#sometimes the only way to get certain vibes out of your system is to take a hot minute away from your usual shenanigans

[anxiousapplepie]

I know the only thing I've posted up til this point is IO fanart, but that's because IO is the current ADHD hyperfixation and little else is giving me the same dolphins and joy atm. Except for that short burst where I drew a bunch of spiders. This was one of them.

[krypticcafe]

May I request call of duty boys with an autistic s/o? As an autistic person I think they’d all be very helpful with their partner and their needs. Their partner is having a bit of a rough day and they’ve gone nonverbal and just need the comfort of a safe person so they can unmask. (I totally hc Ghost as autistic so maybe he and his partner just vibe in silence together)

COD:MW boys w/an autistic partner

rating: general

character(s): GN!Reader, John Price, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, Simon "Ghost" Riley, John "Soap" MacTavish, Gary "Roach" Sanderson, Alejandro Vargas, Rodolfo Parra, König, Kim "Horangi" Hong-jin, Hound

word count: ~5.2k

warning(s): possible inaccuracies, mentions of autism symptoms, mentions of masking, lotsa comfort 'n fluff

a/n: as per usual, feel free to tell me if I've misrepresented or misinformed. I'm undiagnosed, but extremely certain that I'm ND so I've included experiences I found that I share with autism symptoms :] On the other hand, idgaf about realistic military limits on medical issues and medication, this is literally fanfiction and not that deep.

beta reader: ChordataUtopia on ao3

Price

I'd like to think with his time in the military, he's probably had acquaintances, friends, or subordinates who are on the spectrum, so at the very least, he knows what to expect and has a few mental notes on it.

So it's not a problem for him when he sees it on your file.

It's when you become a thing that he actually starts researching about it, and really in-depth, the same way he would when doing background checks.

He's a pretty fast talker, so you have trouble keeping up with all the info he throws at you sometimes. At first, he thought you weren't paying attention, but then he realized you just had issues trying to process so much at once, which is vastly different when compared to how he can take in a bunch at a time. He's learned to be more concise, and surprisingly, it's helped some of the others on the team, too.

One of the perks of dating a captain is getting to know the plans and schedules ahead of everyone and being one of the first to know about any last-minute alterations.

Whenever you're starting to feel overstimulated on base, Price has an eye out for you and calls you to his office. It's a subtle and easy way for him to take you out of a situation and pull you somewhere safe. After all, no one bothers to question the captain's orders.

Although the military doesn't really have quiet rooms, the two of you found that his office is the only place aside from your shared quarters where you can feel safe and sound. Everyone respects Price's office space, so it's always nice and tranquil there. He's used to this one-on-one time so he keeps your favorite drink in a mini-fridge, something for you to fidget with quietly, and an extra comfy chair for you, along with medication if you need any.

Turns out, the voice of a captain is also helpful for keeping you grounded. It isn't aggressive, it isn't demanding, it's firm. He helps keep you in the moment when you feel your mind drift from your body, whether in private or on a mission. He's also direct and doesn't beat around the bush, so misunderstandings are rare.

If you take medication, it used to be difficult for you to get it restocked. Healthcare system and all its perks. But now, after dating John, strangely enough, it seems you get it on time almost always and hand-delivered by him. Hm.

His favorite thing to do is to listen to your rambles while he does his paperwork. You're worried you're bothering him, but he just responds with, "Not at all, love. I wouldn't trade this moment for the world," and tells you to continue discussing whatever you are particularly interested or fascinated about.

John doesn't tell you, but he sometimes wishes he had more paperwork just to spend more time with you in the office.

Gaz

Probably has had neurodivergent friends or family, and doesn't know a lot about the matter, but he's open-minded from the start.

He's a quick learner, too. Not just in combat but with your relationship. He notices your little habits, what makes you tick, and what keeps you in the zone.

And thank whatever being above that you were blessed with such a patient man. If you're having difficulties wrapping your head around a concept or directions, he'll explain it in a way you can understand. Sometimes, people talk too fast, too quietly, or too vague. Gaz finds that there's no shame in it.

One of the things he notices is that sometimes you mimic how he talks, like certain phrases or words. Especially if you're non-UK. Some of your repeated phrases are "oh my days", "cheers", or "takin' the piss". Fluent accent and all. He doesn't find it insulting or strange, he thinks it's actually pretty cute and doesn't poke fun at you for it.

Usually, he's not a fan of when people get too chatty with him, but it's you. He can't find himself getting irritated when you're talking so passionately about your special interest, latest hyper fixation, or whatever got to you because he knows you're being your genuine self and not talking out of your ass.

Your eyes light up, you're no longer using the tone of a soldier with all its formalities, yet you articulate the more and more you converse with him. Your hands even start to fidget and flap when you get deep in discussion.

"Keep going, love. I'm listening." He smiles at you from the corner of his eye, reorganizing his locker. It's meaningful to him, being the one person you trust to listen and engage when you need a break from masking.

He's got an eye for when you're having an out-of-body experience, helping you keep your head in missions without belittling you for feeling elsewhere.

Overstimulated or overwhelmed? Don't worry, he's got you. Kyle has his headphones on him a lot of the time whenever he can. When he sees your eyes looking in the distance or darting around while you feel your skin itch and your mind's a blur, he pops them on you and turns up a playlist he's made with your favorites.

In other cases, he's either scouting a spot for you to retreat to or verbally guiding you until you can unwind.

Sometimes when he can't immediately stick to your side or assist you, he'll take his cap and put it on you with a gentle smile. It's his way of saying that he notices you and to hang on just a bit, he'll be right there as soon as he's done, love.

Ghost

Autistic Ghost truther right here!!

I like to think Ghost always suspected he wasn't neurotypical, and would eventually get diagnosed. But ever since meeting you, it's only sped up his realization. Especially when he saw the difference between whether you're masking or not. It really hit him like a barrel of trucks that day.

He came to you first about it, trying to play it off as curiosity and just wanting to be more informed, but even if you aren't well-versed with body language or small cues, you could just tell that the gears were starting to turn in his head.

While you knew numerous factors led to your blossoming relationship, you like to think the trust you two built after you helped him come to terms with his autism kickstarted it all.

You quickly realized how much of it has gone unnoticed, how eerily good he was at masking himself. He claimed he was more comfortable with the 141 and that outside of that, he was just fulfilling his role as lieutenan- oh my god, you're right.

He gets ticked off when there's a change in plans if a last-minute decision is made but he bites his tongue about it, despises it when people aren't straightforward, prefers bluntness, sits in the far and darker corners of the mess hall where it's calmer, or just avoids it altogether and eats in his room, doesn't understand when people think he's being rude or mean, the list goes on.

There is... a lot to uncover.

But it's all worth it for the little things.

Like when you two created a subtle way to tell each other "I love you" when the words won't come out, three little taps on the inside of the wrist.

Or when you both need to unwind after a particularly triggering mission and you just can't articulate yourselves. No one else notices it and passes it off as you two just being quieter than you usually are, but the two of you catch onto each other like wildfire.

You'll retreat into your quarters and sit on the bed, back-to-back in the dark, where Simon can pull off the mask to just breathe and you can just feel. A comfortable silence lingers in the air while your hearts sync until one of you breaks the silence.

"Absolute trainwreck that one was, huh?" One of you dryly chuckles.

And the other mutters back, "You can say that again."

There's this one particular memory he has of when you surprised him with a gift one day. He wasn't much of a taker than a giver, but seeing how giddy you were, he couldn't decline.

Opening it, he was surprised with a custom butterfly knife, an obsidian-black handle with silver engravings of skulls, thorns, and roses, along with his initials on the blade. You remembered his interest in knives and how he tended to mess with them as a stim, so you bought him a knife he could flip around smoothly and quietly while still keeping up appearances.

With the way he looked at it, someone would've assumed you just proposed to him with a diamond ring or something.

You expected him to put it in his collection, but he uses it a lot in his spare time.

He keeps it in top condition and never leaves it unless he has to.

Soap

He's heard of it, met people with it, though he doesn't quite understand it yet. Johnny's tried to look into it but finds most sources sound contradicting to each other or just don't make sense compared to the experiences you describe and the ones that others have.

You tell him it's fine, you appreciate the effort, and it's okay if he occasionally asks questions when appropriate.

If there's one thing about him, it's that he's quick and creative when it comes to accommodating you. He carries extra earplugs with him on missions and comes up with signals for you to use when you have trouble expressing, so it's easier for him to figure out what you need (turns out he's a visual learner, too).

He makes it ridiculously easy to unmask, too, always so happy to see you, to listen, to talk—he just loves you so much. Something about his energy and how he can slowly and gently open you up like a treasured, well-kept, and well-loved book with just that sweet tone of his.

Sometimes when you're stuck in your head, he pretends he's performing surgery to remove your brain or something, making little silly little noises and tracing your forehead like he's cutting it, a little pop! and he's all "Now you cannae think 'bout anythin'", and it's so stupid but works.

You find the best thing he can do is just hold you. He's got this firm hold that makes you feel like you're wrapped in a warm blanket and a strong heartbeat that reverberates through you. You'd tend to count the beats in your head and just allow yourself to be absorbed in his embrace.

It's all just a few of the numerous things he's done to improve your relationship.

But you have to be real with him for a moment.

You guys know that one tiktok audio? The one that's like:

"I ain't sure what HD is but the doctor said I got 80 of them bitches! WOOO—"

Yeah, Johnny, don't think we haven't noticed.

One day, he lightheartedly jokes that he relates to some of what you go through and that maybe he's autistic, too.

"Well... you're not too far off."

"Haha, what?"

So turns out the MacTavish family has a whole history of ADHD and ADD. His family's always had an inkling, but Soap's natural personality just really blurred the lines.

To be honest, it was so obvious. The way the two of you would parrot each other and your teammates, how he banged his fists on tables whenever he got really excited or antsy, couldn't stand still when he'd constantly be shifting his weight between his feet, popped his lips to break silence, all the impulses that get him in trouble a lot of the time, random bouts of eery calmness, his hyperfocus when working on a new project, the time you caught him unconsciously imitating the sound of the heart monitor after he nearly blew himself up in an accident, you get the idea.

Soap's love language, from physical affection and words of affirmation, is gift-giving! The moment he sees something that reminds him of you, what you like, or something you've been talking about a lot lately, he gets so excited to see your reaction when he surprises you with it and is practically bouncing with anticipation.

Definitely made you cute little cue cards with silly doodles, and even some with Scottish slang. He was especially proud of these.

Roach

He gets you. He really, really, really gets you.

Roach, are you perhaps neurodivergent?

You wouldn't be surprised. You figured he was ever since he explained how he wasn't Deaf or completely mute. He just said he felt nonverbal a lot of the time, selectively mute. That was something that really clicked with you.

In fact, you found he was the easiest to talk to about it. He didn't have many questions other than asking what made you uncomfortable and if you wanted him to teach you some ASL.

You said yes, of course.

Before you were a couple, you were best friends. Practically inseparable with energies complimenting each other. No one was surprised when you guys became public, much to your own surprise.

Learning ASL has been one of the most helpful things Roach has done for your guys' relationship; you don't feel as isolated in your nonverbal state. It also helps clear up misunderstandings with the rest of the team sometimes when one of you can communicate on the other's part. You still struggle with some expressions periodically, but you're pretty fluent!

There is so much open communication in your relationship, it's just a fresh breath of air, holy shit. But the negative part to that is when there is a misunderstanding, it can get a little messy, not horrible, but just kind of overwhelming for the both of you where you need to take a breather and just tune out in your heads for a bit before you can approach each other again.

Overstimulation comes more easily to you than it does to Roach, so you often find yourself either going to him or him leading you somewhere more private where you can quietly wind down.

On a more positive note, you guys have the most energetic of conversations. You'll both be spewing out hyperfixes, random thoughts, and interests, some of Roach's being random facts about zoology or history facts (his favorite are the world wars, unsurprisingly).

"The Egyptians believed that the most significant thing you could do with your life was die."

"Sick."

You two jump from subject to subject, then return to one only to forget what you were supposed to talk about, then move on to something else before remembering what was supposed to be said, and then dropping the conversation altogether like nothing happened.

The entirety of Task Force 141 and SpecGru has given up on trying to interrupt these moments for any reason besides work, it's been proven fruitless. You guys are simply too far in the deep end, there is no saving from hyperfix hell.

Gary's also like a crow, he memorized your interests and whenever he sees something related to that, like a trinket when he's out and about, he'll buy it for you. You two do this to the point where it's kinda getting cluttered in your quarters...

Alejandro

Yeah, I'm afraid he's a little undereducated about it, growing up in an environment with a stigma over mental health issues type of deal.

Don't worry, he's not bigoted by any means, just confused about what it's exactly about because of how much misinformation is out there. I think there was a time when he might've believed in some stereotypes and acted rudely about it, except that was when he was really young and dumb.

When he told you this, it broke your heart, but for a different reason. You told him it wasn't his fault, he was raised in an environment that provided little awareness on the issue, that's just how many people are raised. As much as you hate to admit it, that's just how the majority of the world is. What matters is that he acknowledged he was wrong, and that he was just a kid.

"You're too kind, mi sol," He murmurs, pressing a kiss on your knuckles.

"And you're too hard on yourself, love." You respond, cradling the side of his face with a smile.

Unintentionally or not, meeting you led him to realize he might have his own difficulties with his mental health. After all, being colonel would take a toll on anyone, and after the events involving the Shadows? He needs a break above anyone else in the Vaqueros.

Much like Price, he's learned to create as much of a supportive environment for you and the rest of his soldiers with a general no-tolerance policy on ableist bullshit.

Sometimes, it can be a little challenging for him to reach out to you or vice versa, largely because of his busy schedule and job as commander. He can't indulge you as much as he wishes. Patience was something the two of you had to learn and overcome in your relationship.

But if you really need him, or if you're having a difficult time while he's preoccupied, you give him a few taps on the shoulder, and he gives you a nod mid-conversation with a subordinate. At the end of the day, he comes and finds you, and asks you a few questions you can answer with a simple nod or shake of your head. You trace a heart into his palm, a straightforward reminder, and he smiles and kisses your forehead.

It takes a while, but he carefully unravels you with gentle comfort, just holding you, and taking your time. He's not the most patient man, but for you, he certainly tries. When you finally start returning to yourself, no longer the soldier or the "different one". Just you. He greets you with a kiss and listens to whatever you say for the rest of the night.

It's worth the wait, so long as you're in his arms.

Rodolfo

Rudy has a similar situation to Alejandro. The only difference is that it never quite sat right with him as a kid. Ultimately, it led him to educate himself and seek out actual resources.

He could never understand the stigma, too naive as a child only to find out the truth when he was older. Somehow, it hurt him too, maybe because of how he shared some qualities.

He figured he wasn't autistic, but he knew he wasn't neurotypical either, tiny impulses here and there constantly proving him right, ways that he didn't connect with other people. Meeting you had only confirmed it for himself.

At first, he never noticed it, you were usually masking in front of them all anyway. But when he started to spend more time with you in between missions and get to know the real you, he started to see how vastly different you were when he first met you.

The comment slips out and he apologizes, but you laugh it off as his friend and closest confidant. It's hard to really put it into words, but he understands, he always does. You learn that early on in your relationship.

Instead of words, he uses gestures to console you. Acts of service is his kind of love language. Helping you with your work, doing all the chores you couldn't bring yourself to do that day, the simple things. Mugs of warm drinks, a little mazapán or gansito, a treat to quell your mind a little. A small nostalgic snack break always helps him in hard times between all the work, so he hopes you enjoy them, too. Expect him to join you whenever he's feeling a little out of it.

You worry that it feels like an excuse to hog him to yourself when it isn't. He's always willing—even if it was a ploy, he wouldn't mind it all that much. Seeing you ease up makes him come out of his shell, too. It's something good for both of you.

"Need a refill, cariño?"

You shake your head, "No, just... stay? Please?"

"Of course." He beams in a way that has your heart nearly skipping a beat despite how long you've been together. Maybe you should marry him on the spot.

There are moments when he holds you that you hear him humming his favorite songs. You tell him he has a wonderful voice, but he bashfully denies it. However, it doesn't stop him from humming, not when it helps bring you back down to earth or get a compliment out of you after some silence.

König

Doesn't exactly know what it is, thought it was like a bad trait or something because someone called him autistic once as a kid, but in a derogatory way. Made you go 'yikes' and explain the whole thing. He apologized for his initial shock when you told him you were autistic and felt disgusted when he realized why he was called that back then.

He's quick to pick up on your cues, mood differences, or how you process things. After all, he gave himself a trained eye from all that sniper training.

The first time you were nonverbal around him, he was slightly worried. It was after an arduous mission that had you completely knackered, mentally and physically. He thought you were in a state of shock or something, and he was about to call a medic before you dragged him away and had to physically force him not to. Later, you had to explain to him what happened again, but he was still a little concerned for your wellbeing.

You're well aware and so is he that he probably has ADHD and social anxiety, but to be honest, you wouldn't actually doubt the idea that he could be autistic either.

You both noticed it when you were ranting about how annoying some of your habits were, whether it be an inability to properly express emotions, an inability to understand social cues, the need to mask around others, or how much certain sensations bothered you when they shouldn't because it's so stupid that they do. He'd often respond with, "Oh, I do that too!" or "Yeah, I have that sometimes." At first, you thought he related to some of the lighter symptoms shared with people in general, but then it came to a point where he related a bit too much that you had to let yourself think about whether your boyfriend just happened to have the double whammy of ADHD and autism.

Chances were likely.

One thing that surprised König when you two discussed how he could help comfort you is lying on top of you.

"But Schatz, I'm too big, I would crush you, like a weight or something."

"Oh sweetheart... that's the point."

Genuinely, he's a wonderful makeshift weighted blanket with the great addition of being your boyfriend. It's the perfect distraction for your mind to focus on something and someone else—the weight of his body weight distributed on yours, your breathing synced with his, his heartbeat against your chest, and just having someone to hold.

Loves it when you start parroting and picking up some of his phrases, especially the German ones. He'll ignore the pronunciations if they're bad, but he's just gleaming with pride when he sees you taking out an enemy and spitting German curses at them the same way he does. Practically makes goo-goo eyes on the battlefield.

Horangi

Same thing about being brought up in an environment that isn't the most informed nor supportive about neurodivergence. He's not the proudest of his younger self, and he knows he's made some mean remarks about it as a dumb kid, but he's long since moved on. Getting out into the world has taught him to grow more tolerant and understanding, but he's still ashamed of the ignorant stuff he did.

He worries that you'll hate him for it, despite it being ages ago. He's used to being reminded of his mistakes and failures, such as his gambling addiction and delinquency.

What he struggles with most is trying to find a way to comfort you or help you unwind. He's not great with words since he's worried about screwing something up, so the most he can do is pull you somewhere the two of you can be alone and give you space.

But that doesn't mean he doesn't try. He tries several things, like keeping your favorite snacks on hand, doodling on your skin with his markers to distract you, getting some music playing, earplugs on hand, and stuff that he knows he can't royally fuck up.

You propose that he creates some cute cue cards for you so that it helps him figure out your needs, and you don't miss how he tries to hide his eagerness. He presents you with the cards all connected on a metal ring, red, blue, and black doodles with words in both English and Korean, acting like he just did it on a whim when the amount of care and love put into it is obvious.

One of the cards only has a single phrase on it in Korean, and you already knew it. You still asked.

"Hong-jin, what does this say?"

"Ah- uh... 사랑해요 (saranghaeyo)."

"Mind telling me?"

"... good job?"

"Uh-huh... so why are there so many hearts?"

"Because you think I did a really good job..?"

Again, he's not great with words. That includes letting you know that he wants to be told "I love you" more.

Lightheartedly calls you a nerd once when you ramble about your hyperfixations or special interest, only for you to fire back with a comment about his K-pop collection of albums, signatures, fancams, photocards, lightsticks...

"That's not the sam- no... dammit, no."

Face the music, Horangi. Your special interest is K-pop and each new album is just another hyperfix. You're just as much of a nerd.

Hound

Autism? Okay, but the fuck does that have to do with you blasting the enemy with an RPG right now?

Honestly, he thought you just had some strange quirks and issues. Maybe you were like him. He figured he was just "broken" in some way, that they were "weaknesses" of his. The more he spent time with you, the more he questioned why he is the way he is.

Yet he doesn't judge you because he most likely knows how it feels to be in that position, and he wants to be the support he doesn't have but wishes he had.

Actually, that's the real glue of your relationship—how easily Hound adapts to your structures and needs without question. If it conflicts with theirs, they won't hesitate to directly address it and work it out with you. You return the same energy and reassure him he's not alone in feeling this way. Hell, you make him feel normal for once.

Both of you have issues verbalizing, so you'll be tracing hearts, question marks, checks, and x's on each others' palms. They even teach you Morse code to tap little phrases. You never need to worry about miscommunication if you're direct with them. They're always direct with you, and they hate when people aren't specific.

Hound's not much of a talker, but they're definitely a listener, and they could honestly listen to you talk for days. If someone dares to interrupt you or criticize you for talking too much because he "seems like he's not interested" and you're "taking up his time", he shoots them a glare to fuck off.

Most likely, your interests will become his interests, too.

You notice they mask almost constantly but act much more natural, tender, and less structured when they're around you, showing a side of themselves with a variety of emotions no one else would ever see either. More human, and less war dog.

You both like to be alone, but alone together. Hound used to ask you to leave him alone whenever he needed to self-isolate but started to let you stick around when they needed a moment. The two of you are much more physically affectionate and even more talkative, and you both value the trust you grant each other to show the more vulnerable side of yourselves. You guys are woven like thread; the moment one unravels, so does the other.

Sometimes, all it takes is a weak smile from you or his hands interlocking with yours to find the calm in the storm.

a/n 2: I'm back, teehee :3

[makapatag]

thinking about world-first design

My last three games were more or less centered on the character, and consequently the player. I think this is a completely valid way of playing, but having done three kinds of games that had this, I wanted to branch out into a world-first style of design.

World-first design are the ones I associate with the stylings of mostly OSR: where the gameworld and the modules and the adventures and the equipment, the counting of ammo, of resources, are all more important than creating a character in such a way to fulfill a particular fantasy or character concept.

I call this world-first rather than character-first because it puts into primacy the very world and fiction that the players must interact with rather than the player characters being only focus of such games. In the same way that character-first design (WotC D&D, Exalted, Lancer) doesn't inherently preclude an overwhelming focus on a world's lore and vibe, world-first design doesn't inherently preclude a focus on character building or a certain primacy of the player characters over NPCs. In World-First design, to be someone of note is to have played the game and interacted with the world long enough. However, a caveat of this world-first design is that it's very easy to die, to be extinguished (it is important, in a way, in World-First design to showcase the strength of the world and how it doesn't bend to the whims of a player).

The difference of course, is how the mechanics are mostly written and presented. In World-First design, there's not much use for metacurrencies that imply that the PCs are inherently different or privileged over other player characters. World-First PCs gain privilege from things within the gameworld. While diegesis is of value, it is not the be all end all, as long as the game focuses on mechanics of the world rather than of the player. Frex: ROMANCE OF THE LOTUS THRONE has a (very rare, D&D 4e Action Point-esque) reroll system known as DETERMINATION. However Determination is a very real thing in the game, and can be gained from succeeding in particular tasks, or interacting with community and finding some form of purpose. Its sublimated form of willpower. Its also a bit of an Undertale reference. The difference then is that Determination is not meta-currency: it's in-world currency. There's no Determination stat in the character sheet: it instead fills up an inventory slot. It's a mechanic of the world and not of the player. It's simulationism without the tax forms (rules-lite, fiction-first simulationism is a topic for another post).

When I play or run RPGs, my personal preference has always been that of immersionism. The deeper you sink into a world's physics, a world's customs, the more the Other becomes the Self is a point of great joy for me: whether that be the chilling borderlands of SYMBAROUM, the intricate Underworld of VAMPIRE, the ineffable Space Opera of FADING SUNS, or the crimson-gold otherworld of ARTESIA. World-First can be a genre emulation philosophy (frex, if your world is meant to emulate a genre, a la Exalted's Creation) but I believe that Genre Emulation is not the be-all end-all of Role-Playing Games, as some would think it to be. Mechanics aren't automatically good just because it hearkens to a particular genre, a la PbtA. I think mechanics are good when they accomplish the Design Goal of the game. And sometimes Design Goals are to simulate or fabricate an otherworld and transport you there. I think that goal is one of the more difficult ones to truly achieve, so any that attempt it to this day I hold in respect, even if they end up being rules-heavy simulation-esque attempts. I believe that World-First games are like, the immersive sims of TTRPGs (in the sense that they take some getting used to but create for some of the best emergent gameplay moments, as well as potent immersion of a world).

In ROMANCE OF THE LOTUS THRONE, I’ve managed to do a bit of a mixing. Inspired by the likes of Dark Souls and Elden Ring, where the world is important, but its the character builds that make or break a game, I’ve made the characters dependent on the world. This means you more or less start a game with a blank slate of a character, or someone with the bare minimum of detail. Then, as you play, you learn and gain abilities from milieu of the world, gaining items and powers and magicks from playing the game, rather than from a Class Table. In a way, this is also an inherent forcing of diegesis in the game, and diegesis is one of my favorite concepts in all game design, across all mediums.

This does (somewhat) assume that the characters you’re playing are either amnesiac, young, or people that have not really accrued anything over the years. This is just as well: I believe that you can gain world-changing skills and capabilities even at 60 or 70 or beyond. However, if you want to build a character already seasoned, that’s easy enough to do: simply give them a number of starting equipment and Arts.

All of this lends itself to the ROMANCE's Buddhist bent, especially concerning the ideal of Anatta or Non-Self. Metaphysically, there is no self, all individuation arises from a nigh infinite set of other factors that eventually form the character. This enlightenment is inevitable for PCs that live long enough in Romance: a character eventually becomes a master of anything, removing the individuation of specialization as they inch their Cultivation closer to Awakening. To gnosis. To bodhi.

At the end of it, world-first design kind of asks the players to interact with the game not from their own biases but on the game's own terms. For the longest time this has been a no problem: the biggest world-first games are OSR after all, and they carry the baggage of D&D. However, for games that need and deserve worlds to be taken on their foundation and not the player's, both a World First design approach as well as a World First player mentality could provide a different, maybe even enriching experience that most character-first games would not deliver in the same way (character first games deliver a different, honestly more marketable niche in the realms of OC gaming and Power Fantasy).

[olderthannetfic]

Let me start by saying I love femslash and have a few favorite F/F ships myself, and *most* femslash fans are not who I'm talking about with this.

But there really is a certain contingent (not all, not even the majority) of femslash shippers who feel personally victimized when M/M ships have the audacity to exist. Sometimes they'll get mad at authors for only mentioning a female pairing as a background reference (and tagging "background [ship]" as appropriate or clarifying in the description that it's a minor appearance, I know it's annoying to see it clogging the main tags, but I have literally seen people effectively complain that the author hasn't written an entire fic of their favorite pairing when they have done their due diligence to properly label their work) when it's like... dude, do you not want me to put them in there at all? I could just omit them entirely if you want, although the story would probably lose something for it. because no matter what, I'm gonna keep writing my favorite M/M pairing, and I might give background shoutouts to other pairings I also hc even if I don't really have a complete story idea just for them.

it's like these people think writing is just a product that can/should be churned out to meet some kind of market need (for free! on a fanfic archive!) and not just an idea that strikes someone that they choose to write about for the joy of it alone. My brain worms just didn't tell me to write femslash, idk what to tell you. If you have a story you need to read, the best way to make that happen is to write it. Sorry if you feel like that's too hard and you need other people to do it or something, but all it takes is practice, and it's not my job to write your stories for you - do it yourself. M/M authors didn't choose for femslash to be underrepresented. We didn't do that. We didn't create systemic lesbophobia, and honestly, I think straight up having lesbian relationships in our stories is the least complicit we could possibly be without directly writing lesbian-centric fic. We're literally just vibing. Us (e.g. gay/mlm authors such as myself) telling our own stories is not hurting anyone even if those stories are well-represented already.

TL;DR representation discourse is kind of stupid when it involves shitting on other marginalized communities for not being you.

--

[guujikaroko]

It's Star Rail x Fate collab time (well, not really, it's gonna be next year) and apparently our beloved Faker has been summoned over by standard Heroic Spirit summoning? If it really turns out to be an actual storyline within the game, it would be nice if I could clear some doubts of Star Rail fans. So I'm explaining about how Servants work here and speculating a little about the plot!

So, the Nasuverse (the world where Fate and other works by Kinoko Nasu take place) is essentially a world where magic exists. To summarize how magic works in the Nasuverse, I'd put it this way: it's a force shaped by belief.

(P.S: you'll probably see the term "Magecraft" thrown around a lot instead of "Magic". That's because Magecraft is the name of Fate's main "power system", while Magic is a different thing.)

Human belief is a very powerful thing in Fate. So powerful, in fact, that humanity itself has a collective consciousness named Alaya, which operates with the objective of "perpetuating humanity", so to speak.

Alaya responds to humanity's beliefs. When someone gains notoriety, humanity believes in them, and when their life ends, they turn into a Heroic Spirit and get engraved into something called the Throne of Heroes, a sort of database of famous figures. Those figures can be summoned by Alaya to fight for humanity in times of need and they can be historical figures, legendary heroes or even literary characters. They don't even need to be fully human in the first place.

Here is the interesting thing: Heroic Spirits can also be summoned by mages through a ritual and become something like their familiar. A mage that summons a Heroic Spirit is called a Master and their summoned Heroic Spirit is called a Servant.

The summoning process can be random (like a gacha, lmao), but you can use an object as a catalyst to summon a Heroic Spirit of your choice. The more specific to a certain figure your catalyst is, the greater the chances of summoning that figure (for example, a piece of the Round Table can summon one of its knights, and a weapon or accessory belonging to one specific knight will summon that very same knight).

Now, you might be asking what is the motive behind summoning a Heroic Spirit? There are many, from personal gain to amassing forces to save the world, but the most famous use of a Servant would be participating in the Holy Grail War.

A Holy Grail in Fate is a massive core of magical energy that can have multiple uses. It also can grant wishes, but it's so double-edged that it lost that specific value over the years, lmao. Sometimes, mages will gather in a region and organize this large-scale ritual called the Holy Grail War, where seven or so Masters each summon their own Servants to battle it out for the right to make a wish to the Holy Grail. There are variations of this model and this shit almost never goes the way anyone wants to.

[P.S: Heroic Spirits are separated by Classes on the Throne of Heroes. Originally, there were only seven (Saber, Lancer, Archer, Rider, Caster, Assassin, Berserker), but a lot more were added later. Conceptually, a Heroic Spirit is put into the Class that better represents their legend. In the game Fate/Grand Order, Classes are a Pokémon Type kind of mechanic.]

With all of that out of the way, I'd like to speculate on what is going to happen in this collab.

It seems that a Heroic Spirit has been summoned by a Nameless of the Astral Express. The description (tan, uses two swords) and the voice at the end belong to the one I'm going to call Archer (because I don't want to expose his identity shenanigans right now).

Now, let's answer the questions this left, starting by the "who". I'm betting the Master is the Trailblazer on pure vibes alone. The "how" is the tricky one: how the hell did the Trailblazer successfully perform a Servant summoning ritual, seemingly unaware at that?

Remember, Heroic Spirits can exist in this world because of human belief. And, as it may, Fate/Grand Order does have a story chapter in a world where Heroic Spirits couldn't be summoned because of a lack of belief from the population. It got resolved once people witnessed one Heroic Spirit perform an unbelievable act and began wishing for more heroes to appear. With that in mind, I wonder if they're going to work this sort of trigger into the story in Star Rail too.

Now, the more pressing matter is the "why", but that's actually easy to answer. The collab is with Fate/Stay Night, the visual novel that kickstarted it all, and the setting is a standard Holy Grail War. Which means: a Holy Grail War is happening in Star Rail and the Trailblazer might be one of the seven Masters selected to the ritual, which then led to Archer's summoning.

Yes, that might mean that other six Star Rail characters were selected to be the Masters of other six Stay Night Servants. Either that or the collab will also introduce the Stay Night Masters as well. There's also a Holy Grail on the loose somewhere, which is... Creepy as fuck? Someone get that thing dealt with, please?

[actualbird]

The cafe event has gotten me into a polynxx mood lately... Just them getting along together, them praising Vyn for his desserts, Marius who keeps asking for Artem's meals, Vyn & Luke making their dishes match eachother like dear god and them just making sure that Rosa is alright while she's walking all over the place as a waitress!!! Your honor, this is my silly polyamorous investigation group!!!

I'm just finding sm comfort in thinking about them right now spending lots of time together and I can't help but get a stupidly big grin on my face.

Bc they're together a lot (not only in the event but as a team in general) I wonder whether they start noticing eachother's weird or silly little habits (i.e. pretending that they're interrogating and waterboarding someone while pushing dirty dishes down into some soapy water). Or even nice little things they do for eachother (i.e. something like peeling an orange for someone while they're on break).

hi hi creckar!!! and gosh mood about this whole event, im enjoying it so much and it's definitely giving me polyam nxx vibes too hHHHHHHHHH. the entire intro scene was so lighthearted entertaining but also so sweet (im never getting over marius calling the others his friends, THEYRE FRIENDS, YOUR HONOR!!!!) and that bit with artem openly praising vyn's cooking and vyn responding by laughing oh my gosh my heart fluttered, THESE PEOPLE ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY I LOVE THEM AND THEY ALL LOVE EACH OTHER AND //puts on shipping goggles, ARE ALSO IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER

speaking of being in love with stuff, im in love with ur hc in this ask. they so totally would notice each other's habits because 1) aforementioned THEY CARE ABT EACH OTHER SO MUCH and 2) theyre all just naturally very perceptive people, in regards to how much they can realize and note about others.

little things like how mc writes down orders in a certain manner on her notepad, or how luke hums to himself when hes making drinks, or how artem gets this focused glint in his eyes whenever hes in the zone cooking, or how vyn uses his lunch break to take a nap first and foremost before having a munch, or the irony of marius loving ice cream but being very susceptible to brainfreezes. all these little details compound and are noticed, but in a very casual way. it's like getting to know more about each other without even having to speak or talk. im sure once this cafe thing is over, they both know more than they realize about the other team members

i also like to think that some habits get Adopted. like yknow how when people are close, they adopt some habits or quirks of the ones theyre close with? yeah now everybodys little quirks are The NXX Team's Collective Quirks. our quirks now. so sometimes you'll find vyn humming when hes working, or artem trying out mc's notetaking system. sadly, nobody can take the burden of marius' brainfreezes for him though

all in all, im super loving this event, it's so cozy and cute and fun!!! now if only luke's SR card would reveal itself to me early, thatd really make this event perfect.....LHSVFLSD

[seijorhi]

I absolutely love how well you characterize Oikawa because before I read your fics, I saw Oikawa as an ambitious playboy who wouldn’t want to settle down or would have commitment issues outside of volleyball. Could you expand on your inspiration for how you drew those different qualities so well out of his canon character?

(You’re so fucking talented and phenomenal, I hope you know that💗💗💗💗💗💗💗)

so my philosophy towards writing any of my oikawa's is simple: hit it til it breaks.

oikawa, once he sets his mind on something, is relentless. he's gonna give everything to get what he wants, and in a yandere setting, that just so happens to be the reader.

now if we're talking commitment issues, as far as yandere fics go it's sort of a moot point. the character is obsessed with the reader, therefore the idea of settling down/commitment because sort of null. of course they're going to want the reader around at all times, away from everyone else, tucked away safe and sound <33

having said that, i know that that's sometimes how oikawa is portrayed in fanon, because he is charming and yes he does have lots of fangirls (and fanboys i'm sure) but... where is the canon evidence??

there is exactly one mention of oikawa having a love life in haikyuu – takeru tells kageyama that oikawa got all sad because his girlfriend dumped him, which to me doesn't give playboy vibes. it gives obsessed with volleyball to the point you forget you have a gf vibes (but you're still bummed out about it).

yes he does have fangirls, but he's not trying to hit on them like we see with say terushima, or even yahaba with yachi or the summer camp guys with kiyoko. he's charming and nice to them, maybe a little flirty but it's pretty harmless.

now in high school, i'd say yeah, volleyball is number one, the only thing on oikawa's mind. however similar to hinata, oikawa's got his own path to figuring out that pushing things to the absolute limit all the time can be hugely detrimental. plus, outside of a dark fic setting, i happen to like the idea of oikawa realising the benefits of having a support system via a partner, coming home and having that comfort/whatever. that same determination still applies, but it's a much healthier, more balanced approach.

as for a yandere oikawa (assuming we're going with a canon setting of him as a pro volleyball player) you dial back the healthy balance and push more of that, 'i want both and i'm going to have both, no matter what stands in the way' mentality. he can dominate at volleyball and work his way to be the very best, and he can and will have the reader to himself as well.

now if we're talking settling down to have a family, it's not something i blindly paint across every single one of my oikawa fics. certain iterations, like say in scion, the usual suspects or even heedless heartless, while not necessarily averse to the idea, aren't racing to knock the reader up any time soon. wife her up, sure, in a heartbeat, but that's more to tie her legally to them, because it strokes their pride and their ego, solidifies that bond.

pregnancies, and subsequently children, do also have that affect, but i think there's a lot to be said for the selfishness too, and wanting to have the reader alllll to themselves before they have to share her with a kid. as was the case with the drabble i wrote, that oikawa wasn't above using said children to manipulate the reader either. it ain't always a wholesome thing haha.

we know oikawa has a big sister, and that he's involved in taking care of takeru – or at the very least involved with babysitting/occasionally minding him. clearly oikawa cares about takeru, to me it's not so much of a leap to think that a) family matters to him and b) he'd one day see himself having kids.

my approach to writing dark takes on canonically good guys – in haikyuu's case at least, is always to take what we're given in canon and twist it to the extreme. oikawa's determined, talented, charming, a little obsessive, he's got a bit of a vindictive mean streak and he's got a bit of a complex. when i write him, i take all of those traits, dial them to eleven and then make the decision exactly how fucked up and cruel i wanna make him this time hgjfkdlknvjfkd

[seiwas]

I want to start writing but I feel like I struggle with getting to know characters personalities like other writers do. Do you have any advice?

hi nonie! 🥺 i feel so flattered and touched that you’ve even considered to ask me this omg 😭

i personally believe that the joy of writing/reading fic is the different versions/sides of characters we get from different writers 🥺 there’s the worry of them feeling ‘ooc’, but i honestly think it’s perfectly fine sometimes 🥹 because we can’t align with everyone all the time!! what ultimately matters is that you’re happy with the way you’ve written a character!

if you’re asking about the process i usually undergo when understanding a character, i can’t say i’m the most reliable/qualified to answer this, but here are the things i do that usually help me:

for speech patterns, dialogues, expressions, & movements: watch clips of them and observe how they respond to things, their general disposition, tone, mood, etc. (i do this a lot!!)

for belief systems, motivations: look at the major decisions they’ve made, what they’re fighting for, what their goal is—and ask why

for more information/additional support: check for any background story/lore they might have & do research!

for a feel of how they’re written: read some fic on them! i do this sometimes when i want to catch their general vibe, but it’s best to be careful when doing this!! i think reading too much on a character while writing them can heavily influence your own unique take on them (sometimes when i’m writing a character, i go on a reading ban for their fics specifically, just to make sure i’m not directly influenced by anyone or anything)

for exercises: character sheets & envisioning them in different au’s. there are some ship/character analysis sheets that i’ve seen float around! they usually ask a bunch of questions abt the character and can help you think about how your character would react in certain situations etc. another great example is to envision your character in another au—strip them down to just their personality and think: in a college au, what would they be like? in an office au, what would they be doing?

for aesthetics: moodboards & music—while these help me more when coming up w storylines, i think it can help too!

honestly though, i still very much struggle with characterisation 😭 i’ve found that some characters come easier to me than others—writing gojo makes me want to tear my hair out all the time 😭; megumi is all smiles and fuzzy feelings; bakugo absolutely terrifies me 🥹

so in a way, i think the struggle is normal 🥹 the only way you’ll really get the hang of it is to keep doing it!!!

i believe in you 🫶🏻 i hope i answered your question omg 😭

[lilyblackdrawside]

Recently, I picked up the game Dream Tactics. It's a Tactics RPG - think something like Super Robot Wars, Devil Survivor or Fire Emblem - that doesn't run the typical chapter/mission structure. Instead you freely move around the world and encounter preset fights. You can usually see them from a bit away, so you can turn around and check other areas first or take them on.

Long post with some information and opinions on the game (and genre) underneath.

It's a pretty cute game with the only caveat being that it doesn't have battle scenes. Those are always a strong point of the genre, but here it's just minimal animations. It works and looks good too and after a while I'll skip the animations or turn them off entirely, but would be nice to have.

This is what your party looks like when traveling.

In the prologue level you start with two characters and are quickly joined by a third.

These are from left to right Neru, who is your protagonist, Luna, one of her guardians and a tanky melee type with some support and Sophie, her other guardian and a tactical cavalry unit.

Neru is a mixed offensive/supportive mage who spreads the Tired status on both enemies and allies (a debuff that reduces certain stats) to enhance her damaging or healing spells. She's surprisingly a bit tricky to use, because you only want Tired on your allies during certain moments and can ruin your own damage by removing it from enemies at an inopportune moment, but once you're over these small hurdles she's very competent. Quite frail, as is the norm with these types, but with her good range and healing she won't cause too much trouble.

Luna is - as mentioned - someone who could be likened to a classic Paladin or Cleric. She hits enemies in melee range and most of her attacks build "Carrot" stacks on herself, which greatly raise her Luck stat, which governs crit rate. Some of her attacks gain special effects when striking critically and she needs to to deal decent damage. Crits double an attack's damage before the target's defense is factored in, so you're getting a lot out of it. She's quite tanky on the physical side, but tends to fold quickly when magic is involved, which is - once again - fairly typical.

Sophie is cavalry, but luckily she doesn't use a horse or I'd have had to make the painful decision to bench her. I can't stand horses. Get more creative. No, she rides a slime and it makes cute slime noises when she moves around. Her deal is that with her lance pretty much all of her attacks have 2 range and she has good area damage as well. She has a two-stance system where all of her attacks gain an effect when in one stance and will shift her into the other one, which is pretty fun to use. Her most outstanding move is Retreat, which pulls her back to the position she started the turn on and heals her for a small amount. I immediately gave her an item that gives her more movement range and later found an even better (and more entertaining) one. The first one gave her +2 move for the first 4 turns of a fight (default movement range is 5 on everyone so far), the new one gives her a permanent +2 but she can only move an even amount of tiles and I added another item for another +1 so she's at an even 8. I also gave her an item that lets her pass through enemies (and enemies through her but that's okay), so now I can just send her way into the backline to let her stab squishies and it's super fun. Sophie is easily my favourite unit so far.

The overall vibes of the game are more lighthearted from what I've been seeing. TRPGs tend to be kinda gloom and doom in their stories and will only provide levity in the moment sometimes, so this is a nice change of pace.

Another thing that I really like about this game is how it handles EXP. You don't get any for killing enemies, it all gets distributed at the end of a battle and everyone gets the same amount, so I never have to worry about a unit who didn't get to directly contribute in a way that would traditionally give high EXP. Like, Sophie is a pick class the way I use her. She goes in, assassinates a key threat and zips back out. On the other hand Neru has major area damage, so with some setup she can kill several enemies in one turn. I did say that Sophie has some good area damage, but it's more incidental and tends to soften enemies up. I don't want to have to worry about who to give what kills to, basically. It's nice. It also doesn't do Fire Emblem stat growths, which (aside from the horses) are my biggest gripe with that series. I know that on average your units will end up fine and that you can just clear the games 0% growths anyway, but it just doesn't feel good when your requisite edgy samurai misses his 45% strength growth for the fourth time in a row. Dream Tactics has Growth Rates on everyone, but they're not chance based, they just "fill an invisible stat level-up bar" which raises their stats whenever it ticks over 100%. It's like in FE- Engage Maddening Mode, where your growths are also fixed like this.

For people who like the genre, it should be a good pick.

[tigger8900]

The Sun and the Void, by Gabriela Romero Lacruz

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Ches, the god of the sun, and Rahmagut, the god of the void, have been absent from the world ever since Ches defeated Rahmagut and sealed him away. But every so many years the celestial phenomenon known as Rahmagut's Claw crosses the night sky, heralding the opportunity to seek the god's favor to satisfy one wish. Such a time is upon the land. Reina, born powerless, seeks strength through her grandmother, a powerful sorceress, but instead winds up indebted to her. At the same time, Eva wants nothing more than to rise to her full potential, but with her family suppressing her true nature she decides to take her life into her own hands. As the stories of these two young women converge upon Rahmagut's tomb, dueling ambitions will determine whether the world continues on in relative peace or if the land will be thrust into chaos.

The world building in this novel is fantastic. It's a fantasy world based on Venezuelan history and folklore, with a magic system centered around using real-world metals as reagents. There were indigenous people who lived in the land before human colonizers arrived, as well as a revolution that brings to mind the rebuffing of certain real-world colonial empires. This is the first book of a series, and honestly it's mostly set-up. But the set-up is so interesting that I didn't even care. I can't say enough how much I love the magic system. It's exactly the right balance of simple and complex.

The dual-PoV was done very well. I found the two voices to be distinct, and the characters were believable. Sometimes they did foolish things — very foolish things — but those mistakes seemed natural. The supporting characters were also excellent(Maior was my favorite, by the end). I'm not sure what I think about Javier. I feel like I know where the author is taking his arc, and I think it's going to annoy me. I'd say he's honestly the biggest weakness of the entire book for me, because he leans on tropes — the sick boy, the jerk, the master manipulator — that I'm not a huge fan of, and yet he's so central. Fortunately he's not the only relationship present, so that softens the annoyance a bit, and the fact that Maior exists almost cancels his unpleasantness out.

The author is also an illustrator and has drawn her five primary characters. They appear in the book, some at the start of part 1 and some at part 2, and can also be viewed on her website. If you're a visual reader like me, I recommend checking all five portraits before you start reading so your brain performance of the book doesn't do any odd recasting. There is sapphic rep here, though in this first book at least it's predominantly incessant longing with some small payoff near the very end. The author claims that the next book will be spicier, so I imagine it will get more development later.

The book has frequent action sequences, mixing physical combat with spellcasting. This is going to be a weird comparison, because the settings and plots are nothing alike — not to mention I trust this author more than I trust Cassandra Clare — but whenever the characters were fighting I kept getting Shadowhunters vibes. In a good way. Don't @ me, I said it was weird.

[sapphire-mage]

So You Want to Get Into Middle Era Final Fantasy? (A Guide to Final Fantasy I-VI for Those Who Want To Check Them Out)

Some months ago, I posted a bit of an excerpt about Final Fantasy 1-6 (Oh look, here it is!), as they were coming out in Spring 2023. I kind of hinted towards the end that I’d be down to discuss the later games as well, and I suppose now would be a great chance. As someone who as played all the numbers except 11 (which is not listed), I feel it would help to go to bat on this conversation.

This is a dialogue about ‘which of these games should be you’re first FF’ and/or ‘whether or not you should give the game a go’. I won’t be bashing any of them, but instead, making a case for each of them as a way to draw points as to whether or not you would be interested in them. I may state my opinion on some of them, but overall, I have love for each of them. Let’s begin, shall we?

GENERAL TIPS AND INFO:

-Take note that MOST of these games are turn based combat RPGS, in varying degrees. With certain games, the genre does shift in a certain direction, but they still fit the RPG niche.

-FF7-9 have more ‘active mode’ style turn based RPGs, while FF10 has a more ‘wait’ style, giving you A LOT more time to breathe. FF12 functions more as a single players MMORPG with two AI bots helping you, and FF13 is more of a fast paced turn based style with two AI partners. There’s also.... you’ll see.

-If by some chance, Final Fantasy isn't vibing with you: By all means quit. Maybe pick up one with a story that interests you more. Maybe turn based combat isn't your thing. Maybe you want a better leveling system. Maybe you would rather do more modern adaptations. It varies, but don't be afraid to step away. If it's not your thing, it is not your thing. That's okay.

-When it comes to any of these games: Wait until they are on sale. Square tends to put their games on sale pretty often, and pretty often, those sales are a steal. So keep that in mind!

OKAY! Let’s begin!

Final Fantasy VII

To be clear, I am not talking about the remake. This is OG VII.

Gameplay-wise, VII takes a lot of notes from VI. Individually, characters have unique weapons and limit breaks, but you can equip materia that grant magic, skills, and stat boosts. THAT is where the strategy lies. Using what materia slots your character has, you can strengthen your materia while also making the right load out for upcoming battles.

The story is excellent on it's own. Without going into sequels or prequels, FFVII is actually one of the easiest to understand storylines of the bunch. Everything is pretty straightforward, and anything that isn't explained is left in mystery for mystery's sake (unless you go to prequels and sequels). Best of all: The character development is spread out neatly. Each character gets a lot of time to evolve as a character and improve, which is nice.

The music's fame precedes itself, though it has some that I'm not a fan of (namely 'Under the Rotten Pizza'). But if there is any real problem with FFVII, it's the graphics. Those polygons... have not aged well. I can look past it, but it may be a struggle for some. Especially in certain areas where it gets hard to SEE where to go.

But... It was my first Final Fantasy, and I think it's a superb 'first Final Fantasy' for ANYONE!

General Tip: VII isn't too difficult, as far as the series goes, so I don't have many tips. ...Save for two. First off, KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN EVERYWHERE FOR ITEMS! Especially materia! You can sometimes find materia just lying around, and that one chance to get it might to your only chance for a LONG TIME! So, keep your eyes open for green, blue, red, or purple orbs lying around!

And the second tip... At some point in the game, you'll end up going into some place called the 'Temple of the Ancients'.

When you think you're getting close to the end of that area, you should remove Aerith's/Aeris' accessory, give her a weak armor, and a somewhat weak weapon. It'll help you in a later battle.

You don't have to worry about materia, though. She can keep using whatever materia you want.

Final Fantasy Tactics

WAIT A MINUTE! Tactics?!? T doesn't come after 7!

You see, Final Fantasy Tactics holds such a big place in people's hearts, that many consider it as part of the numerical series despite being a spin-off. I AM ONE SUCH PEOPLE! TACTICS RULES!

First off, the gameplay is completely different. If you've ever played or seen Tactics Ogre, Triangle Strategy, or any '_____ Tactics' game, you should know that THAT is the gameplay styling. It can also be compared to Fire Emblem, but it's a much more different beast in a certain regard. Imagine chess, but with RPG numbers and equipment.

But to make it even better: It has a job system like Final Fantasy V. You can change the class of your characters and keep some of the things they learned from those classes. You can have a Ninja that steals like a thief, a Chemist that can dance, a Black Mage with any other magic, etc. THERE'S EVEN A CLASS THAT LET'S YOU USE MATHEMATICS TO FIGHT! AND IT'S OP IN THE RIGHT HANDS!

Storywise, this is one of the richest, yet most tragic stories in the series. It's not a story that will make your cry, per se, but it is a story that will speak of the struggles of the world. While many characters are lovable (especially the main character, Ramza), the story is very heavy and deals with heavy political themes and questions of morality. How the corruption of greed and power ruins innocent lives. That said, it does all of this quite well, and it makes for an excellent story.

This isn't a good 'first Final Fantasy' as it is a spin off that plays completely different from the rest of the series, but it is an AWESOME game that you should play if the sound of this game tickles your fancy. No requirement to play any other number in the series, either.

THAT SAID, I WOULD RECOMMEND WAITING A BIT, BECAUSE THE LIKELY HOOD OF A TACTICS REMASTER IS QUITE POSSIBLE AT THIS POINT! Especially after the success of Triangle Strategy and Tactics Ogre's remaster. But if you can't wait, be sure to play the 'War of the Lions' port, and not the OG PS1 version. The original had some bugs and poor translation.

General Tips: This game DOES have permadeath for all characters, so don't let that timer go past zero when your party members are KO'd. However, if you win the battle before their timers end, they'll be alive again after the fight.

Also: Ramza's 'Squire' class functions differently than the 'Squire' class does for most non-major playable characters. Keep an eye on it, as the class has some secrets that can benefit you later on. But of course, you can do as you please with Ramza's class and fighting style.

I'm so sorry, VIII fans, but from this bundle, this is my least favorite. But I'm still coming from a place of love and understanding.

VIII is quite different in gameplay compared to most of the previous ones. It works somewhat like 7 in that characters have unique weapons and limit breaks, but then the magic system makes things... interesting. You can equip summons still, but now, you have to 'draw magic' out from enemies and random locations. You can't equip and cast 'Fire' unless you draw individual 'Fire' spells out from your enemies to cast it for yourself. It makes a lot more sense in context.

One of the unique things you can do with your magic is augment your magic to your stats to boost them. You can also equip magic to your weapons to change them. Equipping 'Fire' to your weapons or armor could grant you Fire Elemental Attack or Immunity respectively. Same goes for Status Effects like Poison or Sleep. That aspect is really neat and creative for boss strats.

Since the gameplay is so different, it's hard to recommend as a 'first Final Fantasy', but it is not a bad follow up one.

The story is a bit strange and all-over-the-place at times, but the central focus is on a cute romance between a grumpy teenage boy and a hopeful teenage girl. She drives him a bit crazy, which gets cute and fun. There's also a neat flashback story involving a super awesome character named Laguna, but that's for you to figure out.

If this game has one massive selling point, it's the music. One of the best OSTs in the series. Battle themes, overworld themes, town themes, dungeons themes. STELLAR all around.

General Tips: Some might suggest drawing as much magic as you can until you hit max at the start. ...That is insanely boring and kind of torture. Go at your own pace. Draw when you can and have fun with it. There will be other methods to draw magic later in the game, too.

Also: Be careful over-leveling yourself. This game has a leveling system that levels boss battles along with you, so if you decide to max level, be ready for a difficult final boss.

Talking about this game is going to be difficult, because... this game kind of means so much to me, that speaking ill of it kind of hurts. But I have to speak the truth about certain things. I need to emphasize that this game has my favorite story in the entire series. Ever. Just... My god... It's so good. Maybe not perfect, but it's everything to me.

First, let's talk gameplay. Characters function like FFIV, where characters have predetermined classes and roles, but with IX, they learn new magic, abilities, and skills by equipping specific weapons, armor, or accessories. Even if the weapon or gear sucks, you need to master the spell/skill before moving on to better gear.

Also, worth mentioning: Recent ports have some 'aspect ratio' issues that mess with certain scenes. And sometimes, the game can crash after you beat the final boss. ...Yeah. I don't know why Square did a 'bleh' job with the port. Consider a PS1 version if possible, or be ready to watch the ending on YouTube when you get there.

But... This game's story... Holy moly... There has not been a video game, let alone a Final Fantasy, that has made me cry THIS MUCH! Endwalker came close!

Mind you: This is also, easily, the funniest Final Fantasy. The characters are very cartoonish, and this leads to many antics and running gags.

But the moral of this story... Without spoiling much, Final Fantasy IX talks about the value of life. AND MY GOD, DOES IT RIP YOUR HEART OUT BUT THEN ALSO MEND YOUR HEART WITH LOVE AND KISSES! And as sad as it sounds, it's a sadness that gives you hope, and sometimes, changes you as a person.

If it weren't for technical issues, this would be my favorite FF. There have been rumors of either a remake or a TV adaptation. Keep an eye out for that, and hopefully, they won't pull their punches on some of the heart wrenching moments of the game.

But if you want to experience the story now... It's ready for you to take on. Be ready to laugh, but be ready with some tissues.

General Tips: Make use of what each character can offer! If a certain character isn't living up to their potential, but you HAVE to use them, don't be afraid to have them be an item healer.

Garnet has more powerful attack summons, while Eiko has more support driven summons. Zidane and Freya are secretly two of the most busted characters, but they require a lot of grinding to get them there. Vivi is low tier, but if I can beat final bosses and super bosses with Vivi on my team, you can do anything. And again, don't underestimate Blue Magic. EVER!

(EDIT: I made the fatal error to go watch a certain scene reaction to FFIX after proof reading this, and my nose is clogged from how much I was crying. Again.)

I've heard many people point out that Final Fantasy X is the best 'First Final Fantasy'. It has voice acting. It has solid graphics. It's on every console. The story is easy to grasp (at least, the main two characters are). I'd agree, but I'd also say that that is still up to the eye of the beholder. Someone DYING to meet Sephiroth or having a preference for 2D games will point elsewhere in the end. But yes, FFX is a very safe bet.

From a gameplay standpoint, X SEEMS very forgiving, as it has a built in 'Wait Mode'. It could be one of your character's turn to attack, and you can take AS LONG AS YOU WANT! But it has some rough boss fights. Only bad part is leveling. It involves what is basically a 'giant board game where all characters start on different places, each space being a stat/ability'. IT'S HUGE! It leads to a lot of freedom, which is good, but it is extremely time consuming.

Story is... complicated. The lore and pace of the plot gets a little wonky and hand wavey. Like, "Oh! We need to move the plot to _____, so... RANDOM BULLSHIT!" But... that's not to say the story has no appeal!

The appeal of the story is the relationship between it's main characters, Tidus and Yuna. And not just in a romantic way. Yuna is quite honestly one of the most nuanced characters in Final Fantasy. She's absolutely fascinating, especially for people who have complicated religious history or family. And how Tidus and Yuna connect and lead each other to change is done so well.

And the music! Some of it has a strange bounce to it, but many other tracks are so incredibly beautiful.

General Tip: As mentioned above, the Endgame side quests can be really annoying. Be ready to brace yourself for some tedious or difficult tasks. ...Unless you have no interest in doing them, in which case, carry on with your playthrough.

Oh, and there is a segment where you get the chance to teach Tidus the 'Jecht Shot'. Try your best to get it right the first time. It'll take place after you meet Yuna and get on a boat.

Final Fantasy XII

XII is one of the biggest oddmans out. From this point on, 'turn based combat' is technically over. We're now dealing with more complicated gameplay styles.

Gameplay functions in what I can best describe as an 'auto battle programmer'. On one hand, you can tell your characters what to do, but on the other, you can 'program' them to attack using 'gambits'. For example, 'If Ally HP < 30, use Cure' or 'If Enemy has lowest Health, Attack'. Characters will function and respond to these set ups instantly, and even follow priorities depending on how important you consider each gambit to be for each character.

It's very different from the rest of the series, and it was controversial at the time. That said, I really enjoyed it. Definitely fed the former computer programmer in me.

Story is VERY different from most Final Fantasys. While character arcs and development exists, they do not take the forefront. XII, much like Tactics (which takes place in the same world), focuses more on political drama and revolution. That said, the characters are still fairly fun and interesting, so you're not entering a world of lifeless characters.

Music would probably be my biggest issue. I don't dislike Hitoshi's work. Obviously, I liked Tactic's OST, but XII doesn't have many tracks that stick with me. Still, it sounds better than the Tactics Advance games.

Should go without saying, but this one isn't a great 'First Final Fantasy'. I would recommend it to people who really enjoy computer programming or logic statements, though.

General Tips: This game does not have 'dropped gil/money' like most Final Fantasy games do. Unless your opponent is human, they don't drop money. Instead, monsters will drop spoils such as fur, bones, teeth, etc. THOSE can be sold for money.

Unfortunately, there is also an issue where there are certain items that you shouldn't sell, or else you will cheat yourself out of certain future prizes. You may want to look into that online.

The most controversial game on this line up. I lived through quite a fandom war over this game. Where I lie on that debate can be summarized in three statements. 1. I'm not going to deep into that, as I'm here to speak hope into the ether for this game. 2. The 'Hallway Simulator' criticism is a bit absurd, when MANY games do that. 3. Final Fantasy XIII needs friends and deserves friends, and that's what I want to fight for here.

XIII's gameplay is a step back to being somewhat turn based, but it is a lot more automated. You can only control one character, but you can change the 'classes' of your entire party mid-battle. You'll alternate to deal damage, heal, buff, debuff, and set up the right combo to break your enemy's defenses.

Biggest drawback is that if that character your controlling dies, it's Game Over. BUT the game works in a 'Would you like to retry the battle?' way, so retrying is no big deal.

The story... I'm not gonna lie, I am still SO CONFUSED by the general lore and explanation of what certain things are, but... I GET THE CHARACTERS! While some may say that it's a bit 'anime', the characters go through some great character arcs.

Lightning is controversial for... dumb reasons. Sorry, I like my 'big sister' protagonists, and she's no exception. Lightning is cool as hell. And Vanille is a very off-character whose voice acting and behavior will have you scratching your head... until you figure out what's going on with her.

And finally, the music. I don't know many games Masashi has led on his own, but OH MY GOD, I love the music of this game. Absolutely gorgeous! And the fact that the above song is the BASIC BATTLE THEME is crazy!

General Tips: A large portion of the game is pretty straight forward, though chest are scattered around. You may get the creeping feeling of "Oh god, am I missing side quests as I go through here?"

NOPE! The game will open up at a certain point, and it will be EXTREMELY obvious when it does. Then, and only then, do side quests show up. But it won't be for a while.

--

--

--

--

Alright, that about wraps it up. I'm not really planning to cover XI, XIV, or XV. Still haven't played XI, XIV is an entirely different beast, and XV is something I'm still processing. If I did anything beyond here, it would probably be spin-offs? I didn't mention X-2 or XIII's sequels (I haven't played the latter, maybe I should get on that), but maybe there I will.

Ranking the games from 'best Final Fantasy to start with'. Mind you, this isn't a ranking of 'Which games are best'.

Final Fantasy VII

Final Fantasy X

Final Fantasy IX

Final Fantasy VIII

Final Fantasy XIII

Final Fantasy XII

I'm a bit biased. VII was MY first! And I didn't rank Tactics because I feel like people searching for Tactics games will gravitate to Tactics on their own. Or at least, everyone should play/try FFT regardless of FF relationship.

Honestly, I feel like these six (or seven) are very much up to factor of 'Which one interests you the most?' And that drive will guide you more than anything. If you're just DYING to meet Cloud and Sephiroth, then you know the answer. If anything I mentioned got you interested, maybe that's the one to go for.

Even if I recommended AGAINST playing one of them first, do it if you want to. Honestly, everyone has something to gain from each of these. I truly don't believe any of these are 'bad'.

[notmuchtoconceal]

bro, i really wanna talk about ian and mickey from shameless cause it's one of the only long-term onscreen romances which has ever felt viscerally real to me, tho also -- i have mixed feelings about shameless generally, for it's an americanization of a foreign property which hooked me for its direct proximity to and immersion in my local culture, though also -- that direct proximity highlights certain unrealities of the broadcast medium more generally, namely that like -- bro, these neighborhoods. these areas. they're not this fuckin white.

the southside of chicago has not been this white since my parents were kids. bro, i had to listen to my mother bitch on long car rides about how polish and irish the neighborhood used to be when she was a kid, before you know ... the mexicans moved in. meanwhile, my father is half-mexican. it's just his mother was as covert narc assimilationist bruja who ate his soul so he had to soak up all the racial inferiority installs in lieu of developing a personality. yeah, man. be a trumper. build the wall. that your own people work harder and cheaper than you is the problem, not the extant system of financial exploitation pressured you to be a work-drone over withstanding the battery of persuing an education.

bro, when you fucking live in these places and see how people are, and you're sitting there watching this enticing fantasy, it's like -- you're thinking about these white actors from some other place coming in, with a production crew, and you wonder if the crew is local, how much is out of sight, how is this exchange of labor taking place, blah blah.

like, there's one black character on the show. there's one black character, and sometimes you'll see black extras in the background, but they're not extras. they're the people who live in these neighborhoods, sitting on their porches, watching the show being filmed -- being included in the shot and not making too much of a fuss.

she's real good, don't get me wrong.

their next-door neighbor, she's great. i haven't watched the show in years, and I don't remember their names. i love her boyfriend, too. her boyfriend, he's perfect. i don't know where he's from, but he captures the same vibe as my childhood best friend and their dynamic is great. total southside vibes. it's real, like ian and mickey's relationship is real and it buoys you through what appears as a demographic anachronism.

so, yeah, the show is extra weird cause it hits so close.

like, it's deffo true that racial injustice is being more frequently insincerely weaponized to score purity points in a pick-me economy of abandoned children playing penance for the cameras to use your ego to distract you from the multiple concurrent genocides taking place rn, but like...

sometimes you're just trying to watch entertainment and how weird and fake it is is distracting in a way no good-faith suspension of disbelief can overcome cause it's baked into the economic realities of the production itself. you can see how it's trying to do good despite its limitations, but it can feel like an excuse in-defense of their complicity with the systems they're in and it would be complicity itself not to say so aloud.

like, when you live with people and see how the collective fantasy of white supremacy chops and dices their minds on the block, jiggling them into bits in a salad to be rearranged, oh my God bro.

i'm fuckin remembering when i was a teen and how all the cute lil brown boys and girls would attach themselves to me cause my gigantic towering pale tree body functioned like an apotropaic charm against the police, which they regarded not as protectors of their property rights, but state-controlled gangs who sometimes countered, sometimes collaborated with -- the local criminal gangs. it was as though i was a fanciful wizened oak or a maypole and the police were not guardians, but hostile elemental forces which at times were the lesser of two evils.

i don't think a white person can talk about white supremacy without it somehow being either a humblebrag or insincere fawning.

i think to frame this discussion as being about "white supremacy" is tricking you into thinking about the thing you wanna get away from.

don't know what this might reveal about differences in worldview.

remember other people are real humans with real feelings.

thank you.

[gravitywonagain]

Beating Like a Hammer; Part 3

continuing this story about wlw wangxian hate-sex :) [part 2]

tags: genderswapped characters, enemies to lovers, slow burn, dapper butch!lwj, vaguely femme!wwx, gratuitous mentions of woodworking and rugby minutiae, “dyke” but never as a slur, queer fam movie night, public sexual activity (it's not sex, but it's definitely horny)

more tags to come later (including but not limited to: pop culture references as flirting, trucks with sword names, bad bdsm etiquette, and better bdsm etiquette)

[E (eventually), 8k, 3/9, WLW Wangxian]

iii.

—

[she won’t get out of your seat on movie night so you spend the whole movie in her lap to prove a point.  she strums her fingers on your thigh and you wiggle into her crotch and cross your arms.  she laughs and it’s soft against your neck.  asshole.]

—

Movie night is a monthly thing that Nie Huaisang’s sister insists on hosting. It started as a way, Wei Ying is fairly certain, for Nie Mingjue to check in on her younger sibling and make sure they weren’t starving or getting into drugs or generally falling down a well. It has become a kind of community night that includes anywhere from three to twelve people, depending on the week. 

Wei Ying, as Nie Huaisang’s roommate, is not allowed to skip it. 

It’s not usually a hardship. Nie Mingjue has a truly massive TV -- it takes up almost an entire wall in her living room. Her sound system has better acoustics than most movie theaters. The food is usually good, the beer is plenty (and local!), and Wei Ying has figured out the best seat in the house, sinking into the soft, velvety corner of the couch next to the loveseat where she never catches a glare and the sound is loud enough that she can lose herself in the experience. 

(Hearing loss is a non-negligible risk in her career. Especially when she only uses headphones as protection, and not even the good ones. Yes, she can still hear her mother’s disappointment from beyond the grave, thank you for asking.)

The movies and films they watch are varied enough that it’s never boring, though occasionally they get a bit weird. Nie Huaisang went through a Lars von Trier phase some years ago that was… well. Wei Ying still has weird dreams about Charlotte Gainsbourg and Kirsten Dunst sometimes. Lately the group has decided to revisit the kung fu classics of the seventies and eighties. Not all of them have aged particularly well. Many in the group have trained in some form of wushu or wing chun. Heckling is not so much welcome as it is the goal. 

So, it’s a great time. A night a month where Wei Ying gets to hang out with friends and chosen family and just relax. Except--

Except. 

Nie Mingjue is only nominally not married to Lan Huan, and Lan Zhan is Lan Huan’s sister, which means that, even though Lan Zhan now has her own place, she still comes to movie night. 

It’s a little difficult to tell why, exactly, Lan Zhan comes to movie night. She never engages with the running commentary, positive or negative. Most of the time she looks mad that they’re all talking during the film at all. (She’s never said anything, but the vibe is there.) She just… watches. Silently. Radiating a vague sense of disapproval. 

Wei Ying is half-convinced Lan Zhan’s not even there for the movies, because sometimes she catches Lan Zhan’s eyes focused on her, glaring or something, even when she’s not talking. 

And they do continue their… antagonism. Wei Ying snipes, Lan Zhan is aloof. It’s still strangely off-kilter, in that place that hasn’t decided whether it's hot or hostile. But it’s growing, changing. 

They’re, maybe grudgingly, learning each other the more they interact. Wei Ying is building a catalog of every twitch of Lan Zhan’s face, noting every reaction and assigning it context and probable cause. Lan Zhan seems to know exactly which of Wei Ying’s buttons to push and when to push them to greatest effect, even if she pushes them harder than Wei Ying likes. (If Wei Ying is starting, maybe, to like it that hard… no she isn’t.) 

Like today. 

When Wei Ying and Nie Huaisang show up to Nie Mingjue’s house -- not that late -- Lan Zhan is already there, fizzy water in hand, waiting for Da-jie to queue up the film, and sitting in Wei Ying’s seat. 

She looks perfectly composed. No hint of mischief on her face -- well, maybe that new tilt to her left eyebrow? But not the lip-twitch of a wry smirk she usually uses to taunt Wei Ying. She is, as always, immaculately well dressed. Today it’s light-wash jeans and a short-sleeved blue and white patterned button-down with the sleeves cuffed tight around her (spectacular) biceps -- fuck. 

Huaisang snorts when they walk in and see her there. Wei Ying stops in her tracks and Huaisang continues past her with a gentle pat on her shoulder and a smile made of one part sympathy and two parts amusement. Wei Ying doesn’t appreciate the latter. 

Because the thing is--

The thing is: Lan Zhan knows it’s Wei Ying’s seat. Wei Ying knows Lan Zhan knows it’s Wei Ying’s seat because this is the fourth movie night since Lan Zhan started coming and Wei Ying has sat in that seat every single time. That’s a pattern. Obvious. Clear as a fucking name plate. 

Which means Lan Zhan is doing this on purpose. She’s sitting there, in Wei Ying’s fucking seat, on purpose. 

Wei Ying was raised with Good Manners™ by her mother and then Yu-ayi so instead of throwing the tantrum she very much feels rising on her chest, she turns on her heel and diverts into the kitchen. 

There’s nobody in the kitchen. In the kitchen she can Think and Process and figure out what she’s going to do without anybody looking at her like she’s as insane as she feels right now. 

She roots around in the cabinet until she finds an oversized coffee mug which she fills to the fucking brim with red wine. The first gulp goes down like acid, but then the alcohol begins to buzz softly in her veins and it’s better. Her fingers twitch tight into fists on both hands. The stoneware mug (probably handcrafted, probably local -- Da-jie is full of hashtag-life-goals like that) does not deserve to bear the burden of Wei Ying’s distress, so she sets it down gently with a little tap as she leans her head down onto the cold acrylic of the island countertop. 

She’s being ridiculous. She knows. 

Really. This should not be getting her worked up like this. This is a very stupid thing to be upset about. To be this upset about. But-- 

But. 

It’s Lan Zhan. 

Lan Zhan is definitely doing this on purpose which means she definitely has a purpose. Wei Ying can only defeat that purpose if she knows what it is. But she has no idea what Lan Zhan could possibly want out of this… theft? (It feels a little ridiculous to think of it as “theft.” It’s just a seat in her roommate’s sister’s house that Wei Ying occupies only once every few weeks. And yet…)

Wine sloshes dangerously close to the rim of her mug as she spins it idly (frantically) with her fingertips and her mind works through Lan Zhan’s possible motives. 

Does she want to edge Wei Ying out of the room? Does she want to assert some kind of dominance by proving that Wei Ying doesn’t matter to her? Does she want… Does she want Wei Ying to be freaking out about this right now? Because Wei Ying is so freaking out about this right now. And if that’s what Lan Zhan is hoping for… 

Wei Ying grabs her wine mug off the countertop. 

She opens the fridge and grabs a can of loquat-flavored fizzy water, too. She can be polite.

Nie Mingjue stomps into the kitchen as Wei Ying closes the refrigerator door and Wei Ying marvels at the possibilities that exist when you don’t have to worry about downstairs neighbors (or upstairs neighbors, or wall-sharing neighbors -- wow, houses are cool). 

“Wei Ying, sit the fuck down already. Are you twelve?”

“Da-jie!” She doesn’t mean to sound petulant, but the pitch of her voice does lend credence to Nie Mingjue’s age question. 

Nie Mingjue is unfazed. She’s put up with Wei Ying’s shit for too many years. Which is a damn shame, because when they first met, Da-jie would give into Wei Ying’s whining so easily it was amazing. But alas, no longer. 

“So sit somewhere else,” she says, “or sit on her lap, I don’t give a fuck. I want to start the damn movie.”

Heat rushes to Wei Ying’s cheeks. She’s not sure if it’s the suggestion or the scolding, but the suggestion is… something. Probably not actually a suggestion. Probably just Nie Mingjue being frustrated. But. 

“Fine.”

With her mug and the unopened can in her hands she follows Nie Mingjue out to the living room. 

There aren’t any other good seats, Wei Ying will tell herself later. Da-jie drops into her own usual spot next to Huan-jie, arms spreading wide to take over a solid half of the long couch. Huaisang is in their recliner, Mo Xuanyu on the floor and leaning against their shins. Wen Ning has his legs stretched out on the short couch, knees over Song Lan’s lap and feet in Xiao Xingchen’s. Wen Qing and Qin Su are curled up together on the loveseat. And Mianmian and Lan Zhan are taking up the rest of the big couch. With Lan Zhan in Wei Ying’s fucking seat. 

Which means. That. Wei Ying can either crush herself into the corner of the loveseat -- she could probably fit there with Wen Qing and Qin Su if she tried; none of the three of them take up too much space. Or she can sit on the floor. Or. 

Wei Ying likes her seat, is the thing. (It’s the angles, she rationalizes to absolutely nobody.) And she’s not sitting at Lan Zhan’s fucking feet, so… So. 

She grabs two coasters from the basket to set the drinks on -- she’s already refinished this coffee table twice and she’d rather not add to the watermarks she’ll eventually have to sand out again later -- and then plops herself down directly in Lan Zhan’s lap. 

Lan Zhan makes a tiny oof sound, like her breath was forced from her lungs, but she doesn’t resist. She, in fact, wraps an arm around Wei Ying’s waist and resettles them both into the seat with one easy, fluid motion that belies altogether far too much core strength. (And far too little shock or outrage.) 

It’s… annoyingly comfortable. 

Nie Huiasang snorts into their beer, Lan Huan makes a choking sound that is quickly muffled, and Nie Mingjue clears her throat. 

The movie starts almost immediately. 

Wei Ying leans her weight back against Lan Zhan’s chest, angling herself so she’s not blocking the screen -- she’s not unreasonable -- and tucking a foot behind Lan Zhan’s ankle to keep herself steady. 

She’s grateful for the darkness of late evening and thick curtains as she feels her cheeks get even warmer. (In the corner of her eye, she thinks she can see Mianmian looking very pointedly at the TV, but it’s hard to tell because Wei Ying is unwilling to look more directly and risk drawing attention.)

It’s oppressively hot outside -- late June, deep summer in the Sonoran Desert before the monsoons come to cool it down. Wei Ying is wearing leggings only because Mingjue-jie has an A/C that works and she likes to keep her house at a crisp 62 degrees Fahrenheit. Wei Ying assumes that’s also why Lan Zhan is capable of wearing jeans in this weather. Now, two layers of fabric separate skin from skin and the summer heat begins to creep back into Wei Ying’s chest despite Nie Mingjue’s very functional temperature control. 

She reaches for her mug and sips at her wine without tasting it. 

On the screen, Jet Li is stripped naked surrounded by dozens of men in black armor (ah, they’ve made it to the early aughts), and is led into the hall of the Qin king. 

Wei Ying tries to follow the story. Watches as Jet Li and Chen Daoming begin their high-contrast, highly-saturated verbal sparring match. She’s seen the film before, so it’s both easier and more difficult than if the story was brand new. Easier in that she already vaguely knows what’s going on. Harder in that she realizes she’s missed opportunities to comment only well after they’ve passed, which only serves to make her frustrated with herself. 

Lan Zhan shifts them again. It’s fine. No problems. Another too-easy flex of abs and biceps that makes Wei Ying feel hot all over. Whatever. 

But then Lan Zhan just… leaves her hand on Wei Ying’s thigh. Like it belongs there. Like it’s not searing through the stretched-thin cotton of Wei Ying’s yoga pants. Lan Zhan’s fingers are long. Wei Ying isn’t exactly small, her legs are built from Wing Chun and the years of soccer she played as a teenager. And yet. And yet while Lan Zhan’s palm rests (chastely) on the top of Wei Ying’s quadricep, her fingers wrap (obscenely) around the muscle to brand her fingerprints into the sensitive skin of Wei Ying’s inner thigh. 

Wei Ying does her best not to flinch or tense with the feeling. She thinks she manages it. Mostly. 

She, maybe, managed it less than she thought because a few minutes later when Donny Yen falls to Jet Li she notices that she’s much more relaxed. Internally she shakes it off and just hopes Lan Zhan didn’t notice. 

Lan Zhan definitely noticed. Wei Ying knows she did because as soon as Wei Ying is relaxed enough, Lan Zhan’s palm gets heavier, her fingers spread wider, and then she-- And then-- 

It’s slow. Subtle. A gentle back and forth, fingertips brushing up and down the soft inseam of Wei Ying’s leggings. 

Electricity follows the motion, crackling beneath her skin until she swears she can feel the goosebumps rising in Lan Zhan’s wake. Even the smooth twist of Lan Zhan’s wrist, the shifting of the heel of her palm where it presses against Wei Ying’s leg, even that is distracting. The sensation rides the branches of Wei Ying’s nerves down to her toes and back up to her pussy. 

It’s torturous. Fucking overwhelming. How--?

Wei Ying cannot pay attention to the movie while Lan Zhan is doing that. She cannot, in fact, pay attention to anything other than her own breath, her own heartbeat. They’re both quicker and shallower than they should be. But Wei Ying meditated regularly as a teenager, she should be able to get her shit back under control. 

She cannot get her shit back under control. 

She tries counting out her breaths, but then she ends up gasping for air and there’s only so many times she can hide that under a laugh or a cough. So she tries focusing on her heartbeat instead. Calming her mind, slowing herself down. 

It starts to work. Wei Ying finds that her breath is slowing, too. Becoming steadier. 

Lan Zhan huffs something like a laugh against her neck again and Wei Ying realizes her breath is slower because it’s following the slower strokes of Lan Zhan’s fingers on Wei Ying’s thigh. 

She’s not in control of herself at all. 

Heat rises in her cheeks, in her chest. She refuses to recognize it anywhere else. This is already mortifying enough, thanks. 

The control Lan Zhan has over her is… the worst. Obviously. It’s-- It’s terrible. 

She needs… she needs to get even. 

This whole night has felt like Wei Ying is one play behind Lan Zhan. Like she’s constantly catching up. Maybe she’s still catching up, but maybe she can do something about it. 

She leans forward to set her mug back down on the coffee table and Lan Zhan’s fingers clench around Wei Ying’s thigh. 

It’s not an admonishment. Not a retaliation. No. It’s too wild for that, too immediate. It’s a reaction. Involuntary, too, if the subsequent tremble is anything to go by. 

Wei Ying smiles. 

She readjusts herself in Lan Zhan’s lap. Nothing much. Just a short little wiggle of her hips, a purposeful grind into Lan Zhan’s crotch. 

The tiny breath that escapes Lan Zhan is quite possibly the sweetest sound Wei Ying has ever heard. 

And then it’s on. 

Over the course of the next hour, the movie plays and Wei Ying barely notices the shift in color schemes. It takes all of her attention to keep the game subtle, unnoticeable to the others in the room. Luckily the big couch is long enough that there is actually some room between them and Mianmian. (Mianmian is definitely watching the film with non-zero levels of determination which Wei Ying notes, but she’s too distracted to be much more than passively grateful.) The darkness and the surround sound are also on her side, but where Lan Zhan only really has to control her own reactions, Wei Ying has to consider each and every time she wants to fight back with a roll of her hips. Hip rolling is not nearly as easy to hide as (distressingly arousing) finger strokes.

But fight back she does. 

Every rushed inhale, every uncontrolled hand twitch, curls the corners of Wei Ying’s lips with smug satisfaction. Lan Zhan’s retaliations inch her fingertips higher and higher up Wei Ying’s inner thigh until her thumb is nearly brushing the hem of Wei Ying’s shirt. The competition of it, the game, drives the tension higher, the pleasure deeper. Wei Ying only manages to keep herself from moaning out loud by focusing on Lan Zhan -- Lan Zhan’s every motion and sound as the ripples of each are passed between their skin. 

Lan Zhan’s heart beats against Wei Ying’s spine, her breath ghosts across Wei Ying’s neck and shoulders. The world fades away until only the two of them exist in it. 

Occasionally the film will filter back into Wei Ying’s awareness. Da-jie will scoff a choice in the choreography, or Huaisang will comment on color theory and aesthetic facism. Wei Ying will be reminded that they are actually in the company of friends, and that they are, ostensibly, all here to watch a movie together. She will also remember that usually it’s her own voice making up the bulk of the commentary, and immediately lose that thought to another indecently placed strum of Lan Zhan’s fingers. 

Time passes both absurdly quickly and obscenely slowly. The film jumps forward and then stops, pausing for Lan Zhan to drive Wei Ying gradually toward insanity. Wei Ying is uncomfortably wet, but she can also feel how warm Lan Zhan’s body has become behind and beneath her. There is an intensity to each breath that ghosts along the back of Wei Ying’s neck, scattering up into the short hair of her undercut -- not labored, but… intense. Fevered. Hot. 

And then it’s over. 

The credits roll. People begin to stir. Mianmian is off the couch faster than anyone else can get their feet under them, expressing an urgent need to use the restroom. 

Wei Ying slides off Lan Zhan’s lap and into Mianmian’s vacated seat. The couch is so much colder than Lan Zhan’s lap had been, which is… good. Probably. Definitely. Wei Ying desperately needs to cool off. And she could use a moment to… reign herself in before standing. And maybe somehow trick Huaisang into bringing her her flannel to tie around her waist. Or something. 

Almost as soon as Wei Ying has moved, Lan Zhan is up and following Mianmian down the hall to the bathroom. 

It makes something strange twist in Wei Ying’s gut. She’s not sure why. (And she will not be examining it right now, thank you.) It leaves her sitting alone on the couch, tucking her toes up under her own thighs in a very loose lotus pose. 

She feels Mingjue-jie’s A/C hit her skin, goosebumps rising on her arms. 

Nie Huaisang flops down next to her and, far too loudly, says, “Wow, Wei Ying! I think that’s the quietest you’ve ever been during a movie.” They grin wide like the traitor they are as the focus of the room shifts to Wei Ying. 

Qin Su snickers into Wen Qing’s shoulder and adds, “Looks like Lan Zhan finally figured out how to shut you up.” 

Blood rushes to Wei Ying’s cheeks. 

She has no defense to offer them, though. She was uncharacteristically quiet, and it was Lan Zhan’s fault. But she’s not exactly going to say that out loud if she can help it. 

Her body is still buzzing with arousal, unsated and confusing. Humiliation feels sickly sweet in her throat. But not, necessarily, in a bad way. Definitely in a way she’d rather not share with her friends. Especially while it’s still happening. 

“I mean,” she says, tongue thick in her mouth, “maybe I just wanted to watch the movie, for once.” It falls flat and she knows it, but she’s not sure she can do anything about it right now. She just wants to leave. Immediately, if possible. “Whatever,” she says. “Sangsang, my head hurts. Can we go home?”

Huaisang gives her a look. A knowing look. But nods and -- with no small amount of amusement in their eyes -- hands Wei Ying her flannel shirt. Because they really are a good roommate. And also they see way too much. 

Wei Ying takes the shirt gratefully, and lets Huaisang shuffle her out of the house before Lan Zhan can return. 

“You good?” they ask, once they’re in the car. 

“Yeah!” says Wei Ying. “Just a headache.”

Neither of them believe her.

[will-you-pick-me]

with my yn unfortunately they're all getting a pet/partner, one with sharp teeth, that regrow constantly (shark teeth, specifically, im so sorry (no im not)) but oohh!! such good choices, Jessica reminds me of this lil video i watched where someone dressed up as the rat maiden for ren faire, that has her vibes if she's not working at the faire and i stand by this !!!! snake 4 ulrich is so fitting.....i can see him just going to stare at a giant python of sorts when he gets a break and just going watching the lil guy munchin Now, what horrible sensory feels do they all dislike? Be it fabrics, textures, noises, certain lights, etc, etc?

Ohhh I adore an inhuman Y/N! I hope I get to see your character sheet soon, it sounds so interesting and I'd love to meet it! (I am assuming your character also uses it/it's pronouns like you but if not please correct me!)

Really the only one who has sensory issues outside of neurotypical norms (wet socks, nails on chalkboard, etc) is Jack. I will say right now that he is fully intended to be coded for autism, HOWEVER I do not have an official diagnosis for myself, and neither do most of my autistic friends, as the USA healthcare system is a twisted evil sonofabitch and uses diagnoses as an excuse to discriminate and take away rights. I can only write things from my own experiences and what my friends have confided in me about it, so Jack IS NOT MEANT as a catch-all representation, and autism is a varied and nuanced disorder that no two individuals will ever experience the exact same way.

That out of the way, Jack hates those wool blankets that have the silk trim on them, that most people say are perfectly fine, but to him it's scratchy and irritating and the contrast between the wool and the silk trim only makes it more noticeable and hellish. TV static/electrical hums are also sometimes an issue, depending on whether or not he's already overstimulated, as that high-pitched whine is much more clear to dog ears than it is human ears. Some perfumes and colognes also bother him, because it's just a burning cloud of chemicals up his nose instead of whatever it's supposed to smell like.

[rouxnitreblogs]

i usually only usually only use this fore reblogs but i guess it can be for my system only gonna answer what we want to

❤️ - what type of CDD do you have? ✧𓆪˖° OSDD

🧡 - are you medically recognised/diagnosed? if not, do you plan to? (no judgement either way!)

✧𓆪˖° Yep :)

💛 - if you are comfortable sharing, what is your headcount? do you keep track of it? ✧𓆪˖° We're median polyfragmented, so recognition is difficult. We try to keep best we can, and more formed alters keep track! (30~ more formed alters)

💚 - do you have a high or low split tolerance? ✧𓆪˖° It's difficult to determine between a new alter or other symptoms! or intense mood. BPD and DPDR really don't help with that.

💙 - do you switch frequently or do you go longer periods between switching? ✧𓆪˖°

I'd say we switch pretty frequently, but 50~% don't recognize the shift (or that their separate).

💜 - does your system have introjects of any kind?

✧𓆪˖° Yes, but we're really skittish of talking about them because of a previous interaction with someone :(

🩷 - do you have any subsystems? ✧𓆪˖° Yep!

II: alters

🎥 - who are your frequent fronters? ✧𓆪˖° We're in a rough patch rn, so it's different than usual - usually : Ghost, Lumibelle, Voss, the Conglomerate* - currently : Jasper, Zephyr, Lumibelle, unideintiefied/forming alter (The Conglomerate is a collection of fragments, pieces of consciousn ess, and otherwise. Difficult to explain. Imagine if you were Zygarde. But all the Zygarde cells are fragments and partials. And an unformed nameless shapeless cluster of cells fill the consciousness as a unified glob alongside the other alters. Honestly I think it's a 30/70 alter to conglomerate ratio. Lotta amnesia.)

📼 - do you have any non-human alters? if yes, which species are the majority of them? ✧𓆪˖° Yep! There's no real majority. Notably we have a ghost, cat, biblical angel figure, demon, funky little bubble baymax melusine mix, etc.

🎞️ - do the alters in your system use more medical coined roles or more community coined roles? or both/neither? do you find them useful? ✧𓆪˖° We use a mix, but a lot of alters struggle to personally identify. It helps when a manager/caretaker is able to help them recognize what's happening to them and giving them a sense of direction.

📽️ - are the alters in your system more distinct or less distinct from each other? ✧𓆪˖° There's some that are more formed, but we all are a part of *Roux*, hence the name Rouxnit

📺 - do you make/buy gifts to other alters in the systems? ✧𓆪˖° Some of us have done gift art for each other! Or an object, fidget, or other that caters to one or the other

🎙️ - does the taste in music vary a lot between different alters? ✧𓆪˖° It's more like subgenres of all the stuff we usually listen to. Music is a really powerful tool to us, and can induce switches at times (not always bad!). Generally the music has a certain vibe that we can distinguish.

📻 - does your system have any type of in system relationships? ✧𓆪˖° Not that we really know? Usually when we're not like. *Fronting* fronting it's almost like being frozen in time. Just not being. So not a lot of communication that's clear.

III: switching

☀️ - how much amnesia do you experience? ✧𓆪˖° SO MUCH. Our gatekeeper has a *very* tight grip on us. It's been a real hurdle for us in therapy to accept it at times.

🌙 - do you experience black out amnesia? ✧𓆪˖° Sometimes. It's usually in extreme distress or extreme instability/mental volatility. Real scary shit.

⚡️ - what does switching feel like for you? does it vary between alters? ✧𓆪˖° We try to explain it like powering off, with nothing in the flesh mech (fun term for the Body). Like a blackout in a theater and *someone* needs to get on stage to get the lights on. It's usually fuzzy, and sometimes we can feel our grip on the consciousness slipping away as we switch.

☄️ - do you experience quick switches or does it take longer to switch usually? ✧𓆪˖° We switch *very* quickly, partially in cause by our hypervigilance we thinks. Need to think on your feet. Sometimes we get stuck pilotless though and we can't get anyone to stick in front. Not counting full dissociation here

🌈 - do you get frontstuck often? what do you do to try to get ‘un-stuck’? ✧𓆪˖° It's really situation based. Some of our frequent fronters get really tired or frustrated when frontstruck. Usually we get more pilotless stuck.

☁️ - do you ever not notice you’ve switched, and suddenly realise that ‘you haven’t been you’ for a while? ✧𓆪˖° Oh *100%*. Median system go brr.

💦 - can you switch ‘on command’ or is that something that is hard for your system? does it depend on the alter? ✧𓆪˖° It's really hard for us to be honest. It's like trying to coax someone to hold to the full consciousness cause nobody wants this hot mess rn HA

IV: headspace

🌱 - do you have a headspace? if yes, describe it! if no, do you want one? ✧𓆪˖° We've been trying to work on something, but varying levels of aphantasia has made it really difficult. It's hard for us to imagine *ourself* in a situation or daydream or mental place.

🌿 - how easily accessed is your headspace? ✧𓆪˖° Prettty tricky at times. Usually we have to medicate🍃 and meditate to get there.

☘️ - is there a place in your headspace where dormant alters go? ✧𓆪˖° Not really. Their room or location usually stays empty, barren, or dusty tho.

🌳 - do alters have their own rooms/areas in your headspace? ✧𓆪˖° Yes actually! Some are in a house the old host created before going dormant, and others have less connected spaces, like the bleachers.

🌵 - is your headspace big, or smaller? is it complex/less complex? ✧𓆪˖° The best I can explain is it's like places appearing in Coraline where the ground's all white and blocky and cubism-esque and you just keep walking through white until you get there. Even Terminal's influence can be seen like the weird circuit tree/pattern on the ceiling!

🍃 - do you have specific alters that cannot access headspace at all? ✧𓆪˖° Usually accessing headspace we "disconnect" from the Body, and it can make inner communication more fluid. Some can't manually take of The Headset themself though.

🪴 - did you have to build your headspace over time, or was it just there? ✧𓆪˖° Building over time. We've been trying to work on our internal visualization and trying to revitalize the ability to daydream at *all* or think outside the real and external concepts.

V: general

🍭 - how did you pick your system name? ✧𓆪˖° It honestly started as a joke. Since my name rhymes with a lot, I always end up with funny nicknames online mashing it with other words. We called ourself Rouxnit one day and it just seemed to stick since.

🍪 - do you have a collective name/identity/orientation? if yes, how did your system make those decisions? ✧𓆪˖° We have the Body's identity/persona. We actually call it the Rouxsona (hehe)! It's a collection of all of our identities as a whole for the most part!

🍬 - what’s the funniest thing another alter has said to you? (internally or externally communicated) ✧𓆪˖° “Those look like nipples…. Or necrosis…… more like necrosis” (about a dipped fruit thing). We were mixed con at the time methinks.

🍫 - how does your system handle in system disagreements in general? ✧𓆪˖° Externally we are like. The fucking Switzerland of a person. Neutrality influences our actions all the time. Internally, we try to treat ourself with the high civility, but the intimacy and care of someone more close.

🧁 - is there anyone specific in your system you don’t get along with? ✧𓆪˖° Yes. Two I can think to boot.

🍰 - are you ‘out’ as a system to anyone? (online friends/partners etc. count!) ✧𓆪˖° My partner, best friend, parents (more my mom), and a few online friends! I'm not super obvious, but I'm not really trying to hide it either

🍦 - how good is your communication with the rest of the system? does it vary much between different alters? ✧𓆪˖° HAHAHAHa mannnnn. so bad

🍡 - are different alters part of different subcultures? which ones? (we are!) ✧𓆪˖° How we identify with different subcultures and identitify labels can really shift, but generally we default to the Rouxsona default unless we have strong influence when we front ftmp

wow i am so not gonna remember doing this.

may change over time! who knows, maybe i'll do it again in the future

system ask game for traumagenic systems!

reposted due to us deleting our previous sysblog <3

remember that you are free to decline any question if it feels too invasive, this is for fun and you are not forced to answer anything 🤍

I: basics

❤️ - what type of CDD do you have?

🧡 - are you medically recognised/diagnosed? if not, do you plan to? (no judgement either way!)

💛 - if you are comfortable sharing, what is your headcount? do you keep track of it?

💚 - do you have a high or low split tolerance?

💙 - do you switch frequently or do you go longer periods between switching?

💜 - does your system have introjects of any kind?

🩷 - do you have any subsystems?

II: alters

🎥 - who are your frequent fronters?

📼 - do you have any non-human alters? if yes, which species are the majority of them?

🎞️ - do the alters in your system use more medical coined roles or more community coined roles? or both/neither? do you find them useful?

📽️ - are the alters in your system more distinct or less distinct from each other?

📺 - do you make/buy gifts to other alters in the systems?

🎙️ - does the taste in music vary a lot between different alters?

📻 - does your system have any type of in system relationships? (familial, romantic, platonic etc.)

III: switching

☀️ - how much amnesia do you experience?

🌙 - do you experience black out amnesia?

⚡️ - what does switching feel like for you? does it vary between alters?

☄️ - do you experience quick switches or does it take longer to switch usually?

🌈 - do you get frontstuck often? what do you do to try to get ‘un-stuck’?

☁️ - do you ever not notice you’ve switched, and suddenly realise that ‘you haven’t been you’ for a while?

💦 - can you switch ‘on command’ or is that something that is hard for your system? does it depend on the alter?

IV: headspace

🌱 - do you have a headspace? if yes, describe it! if no, do you want one?

🌿 - how easily accessed is your headspace?

☘️ - is there a place in your headspace where dormant alters go?

🌳 - do alters have their own rooms/areas in your headspace?

🌵 - is your headspace big, or smaller? is it complex/less complex?

🍃 - do you have specific alters that cannot access headspace at all?

🪴 - did you have to build your headspace over time, or was it just there?

V: general

🍭 - how did you pick your system name?

🍪 - do you have a collective name/identity/orientation? if yes, how did your system make those decisions?

🍬 - what’s the funniest thing another alter has said to you? (internally or externally communicated)

🍫 - how does your system handle in system disagreements in general?

🧁 - is there anyone specific in your system you don’t get along with?

🍰 - are you ‘out’ as a system to anyone? (online friends/partners etc. count!)

🍦 - how good is your communication with the rest of the system? does it vary much between different alters?

🍡 - are different alters part of different subcultures? which ones? (we are!)

[orphic-exe-archived]

(SRRY THIS IS A LOT LONGER THAN I EXPECTED IT TO BE WHEN WRITING. TAKE UR TIME ) (Taking “ask as many questions as you like” and running with it /silly) same anon from before again again. idk kind of rant incoming bcuz i don’t much much of anywhere else to! im sort of questioning being plural but with a big question mark there bcuz it could honestly just be my gender changing too much and the identity crisis 💔 and i feel like for every symptom i have there’s at least 2 more i dont. my gender fluctuates enough already but sometimes specific genders or pronouns seem to come with certain name preferences and moods (to which I’ve always referred to as different “vibes” because that’s the only way i figured to describe things). but each of these sort of “vibes” have started to actually feel like different ppl and ive started to mess around with acknowledging them separately and it does feel nice. im also realizing that even though i don’t hear any distinct voices or anything in my mind, when i think to myself it’s more of actual back and forth conversation than is normal from what ive asked some friends? i never have amnesia at all (other than the usual forgetfulness i have which is very minor) but sometimes ill do things that don’t feel like. myself? like ill forget I drew/posted/wrote something for a bit but when I see it again i remember. and I know i did it, I was there, doing it, even though i feel like it wasn’t me. and not like im not in control of my body when I do it either cuz I very much remember doing it i just dont see why or what my thought process was. i have a whiteboard in my room where I’ve started making doodles of whatever feels like “myself” at any certain time and they’re all kind of similar but still feel like distinct. ppl. and again i physically remember drawing the other ones but it’s still weird. but most of this is just me I guess, because I don’t think i ever act particularly different online or irl around other ppl, it’s always just things i observe when im alone. i also know i have problems with symptoms of things I think I might have only appearing after I overthink it but maybeeeeeee it’s just im noticing it more? probably not. oh also before I forget I’ve also never actually dissociated or anything (at least to my understanding of an out of body experience type of thing. (Well actually I did once and remember it very clearly but that was several years ago when I hadn’t slept for much longer than usual)). its just normal zoning out for me i guess. anyways idk where i was rlly going with this and ik everyone’s experiences r different and obviously strangers on the internet can’t diagnose me with anything but I just wanted to say something ^-^ thank u for reading if u did lol

hey man! i can get that it’s stressful to figure all this out. if it helps, our experiences are pretty similar! our syscovery started with name preferences, feeling really different, and pronoun/gender identity preferences fluctuating. it sounds to me like you could very well be plural!

like you said, i can’t diagnose you with anything. however, there are some ways to try and log your headmates/alters/parts (whatever you’d prefer them called)! for example, the website simplyplural (we don’t use but many systems do) or the pluralkit bot on discord (if you use discord!) these softwares can do things like track your switches, log your headmates with names, pronouns, and descriptions, and more.

there’s no harm in giving those helpful resources a try, especially if you’re seriously considering this possibility. if you have a therapist/some form of professional help, it would be really good to bring these feelings up with them as well.

for now, keep doing what you’re already doing, possibly dabble in simplyplural or pluralkit (or another resource i didn’t list — any notes app could work as well)

i’m gonna start calling you “system questioning anon” in case you have any more questions to send me, as long as you don’t mind!

i also have to apologize— all three of these asks were answered by three different headmates (kumo, oliver, and myself (olly) in chronological order.)