#sometimes it's the spite that gets u thru it. that sense - fuck u

[inkskinned]

one of the things about having an unstable parent is that it can so easily ruin your future. you want to get out, but getting out takes having agency. it takes the resume and the grades and the stellar community service history.

but you have to choose your battles. you know if you sign up for an after-school activity, it'll be okay for a while, so long as the activity is parent-approved and god-fearing. over time, like all things, it will become an argument (i can't keep carting your ass to these things) or a weapon (talk to me like that again, see if you get to go to practice). sometimes, if you love the thing, it's worth it. but you also know better than to love something: that's how they get you. if you ever actually want something, it will always be the center of their attention. they will never stop threatening you with it. telling you of course i'm a good parent, i came to all of those stupid events.

you learn to balance yourself perfectly. you can either have a social life or you can have hobbies. both of these things will be under constant scrutiny. you spend too much time with her, you should be at home with family is equally paired with you're acting like this because you're addicted to what's on that goddamn screen. you cannot ever actually win, so everything falls within a barter system that you calculate before entering: do you want to learn how to drive? if so, you'll need to give up asking for a new laptop, even though yours died. maybe you can work on a computer at the library. of course, that would mean you'd be allowed to go to the library, which would mean something else has to bleed. nothing ever actually comes free.

and that bitter, horrible irony: you could be literally following their orders and it still isn't pretty. they tell you to get a job; they hate that your job keeps you late and gives you access to actual money. they tell you to do better in school; they say no child of mine needs a tutor. they want you to stop being so morose, don't you know there are people who are really suffering - but they revile the idea you might actually need therapy.

you didn't survive that fall the way other people would. you've seen other people scramble and get their way out, however they could. maybe you were made too-soft: the answer didn't come to you easily. it wasn't quick. it was brutal and nasty. some people even asked you why didn't you just work hard and escape during school? and you felt your head spinning. why didn't you? (they control your financial aid. they control your loan status. they love having that kind of thing). maybe in another life you got diagnosed sooner and got the meds you needed to actually focus and got attention from the right teachers who helped you clear hurdles to get up out of here - but for now? here?

the effort of trying. the effort of not-dying. that kind of effort was absolutely agonizing.

[tellmewhatyouc]

any combo of Law/Cora/Doffy for both/either ship asks

ship ask memes: 1 | 2

gonna throw all this under a cut bc 1. spoilers and 2. people who do not vibe with these can just scroll on by easily

first off yes i ship all combinations oh my god

What made you ship it?

as soon as i knew there was some Fuckery going on between law and mingo, i was ��� because i just. love whump esp law whump and god that dynamic is full of it

doflacora for similar reasons, like. it’s just plain fucked up and i knew i was gonna be into it before i even met roci. regardless of the label on their relationship, their whole dynamic is just So Terrible and Tragic and i am here for it. we love angst in this house

i had a feeling i’d ship coralaw before i even met roci, a couple of my friends were like “UR GONNA LOVE CORALAW” before i’d even read the flashbacks and they were CORRECT

and all three of them started JUST A TAD BIT out of spite bc people being like “this is Bad” or complaining about a ship just makes me curious (tho i actually really genuinely enjoy them aside from the spite and am trying to channel it into positive things instead of just getting upset over people being mean)

What are your favorite things about the ship?

doflaw: the HISTORY they have, it makes for such an interesting and fucky dynamic and i feel like a lot can be done with that

doflacora: just the terrible mess of mingo being this irredeemable villain yet his little brother still believes he can change and still cares about him and then he just fuckign kills him in cold blood and goD

coralaw: LAW GETTING THE HAPPINESS HE DESERVES

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

that they are all good and valid ships and i love them dearly <3

i’m gonna do the rest of the asks for coralaw bc that’s the only one that i could write in a remotely functional or healthy way here we goooo

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

How did they first meet?

oh there’s so many possibilities. i can Definitely fuck w an idea closer to canon where roci met law in the context of the family, maybe they left together and everything actually worked out okay, and once law got older they came to terms with their Feelings.

but i also like modern aus where they meet when law’s already an adult, like maybe roci works somewhere and law keeps coming back or he’s a teacher  or (like i enjoy with every law ship) they meet because roci is injured or smth and law has to do his Doctorly Duties

What was their first impression of each other?

god u know it was not great in canon

i like friends to lovers with them. or like. at least friendly acquaintances to lovers. they get along well (once law gets over,, maybe his initial impression that roci is just a clumsy dumbass) and the other Emotions come later

Did any of their friends or family want them to get together?

gjfkdg mingo is Not happy with the arrangement, though i’ve read a couple fics where the family dynamic is a little nicer and he encourages it and i’m into that too

Who felt romantic feelings first?

law definitely, maybe he didn’t realize what it was at first because he was just a little kid but it makes more sense as he grows up

Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

YES <3 i am so here for the “oh god i’m old enough to be this persons father i Cannot be attracted to them” trope and that has so much potential with this ship (tho their age gap isn’t actually that big??? what is it like 13 years idk roci can still suffer)

If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think?

i feel like law would be very >:( about the concept of soulmates and maybe roci would have a crisis but they’d work it out eventually

What would their lives be like if they had never met?

well uhhhh if u really think about it law would probably be dead and roci might be alive so. hm.

but i do think roci really like,,, Fixed law. like he showed him that there are in fact things worth living for, and even if they didn’t spend a Ton of time together, he still had a huge impact.

GENERAL

Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go?

i feel like law would have to do it bc roci would be too concerned about overstepping boundaries

Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

i don’t think it’s anything Official like they hang out anyway and then one day it just clicks

What was their first kiss like?

law initiating it in the heat of the moment

Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

oh i love the idea of roci being law’s first Everything

What’s their height difference? Age difference?

ROCI’S SO FUCKING TALL but even i a modern au i’d probably put him at like 6′5″ or taller

and i think they’re 13 years apart yeah

What’s their relationship with each other’s families?

sweats next question

Who takes the lead in social situations?

i think roci is def more friendly and extroverted so probably him

Who gets jealous easier?

i feel like both of them are pretty laid back?

Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear?

law,,,he likes to egg him on

LOVE

Who said “I love you” first?

roci for sure

What are their primary love languages?

in most law ships i like the idea that law shows love thru gifts, i think roci is just very affectionate but maybe also does the same

Who uses cheesy pick-up lines?

roci and law HATES IT

How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA?

law isn’t big on pda but sometimes he tolerates it

Who initiates kisses?

roci mostly

Who’s the big and little spoon?

law is the little spoon but sometimes roci is too

What are their favorite things to do together?

fuckin they like to cuddle and watch movies :’)

Who’s better at comforting the other?

roci is better at comforting law naturally

Who’s more protective?

roci,

Do they prefer verbal or physical affection?

law’s more verbal, roci is more physical

What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

heart-shaped hologram gives me A LOT OF FEELINGS

also. for some reason i’m feelin in the best case scenario we’d die at the same time

What kind of nicknames do they call each other?

not rlly a nickname but i like the idea that law is short for lawrence and roci calls him that sometimes and he HATES IT

also cora in itself is a nickname ig

Who remembers the little things?

hmmm i’d say they’re both pretty observant but maybe roci moreso

DOMESTIC LIFE

(taking out questions about marriage/kids bc i do not think so)

Do they have any pets?

i just wanna give everyone a cat

Who worries the most?

law probably, but roci worries about law so it all evens out

Who kills the bugs in the house?

law

How do they celebrate holidays?

mostly quiet celebrations at home

Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?

law,

Who’s the better cook?

law, roci isn’t allowed in the kitchen after one too many burns and fires

Who likes to dance?

ROCI, law does not care for it

[leovand]

ARIZONA U is proud to introduce you to LEONARDO “LEO” VAN DOREN , the twenty-five year old, undergraduate fine arts major in his SENIOR year. most of their peers deem them as someone who is +eccentric , +intelligent & +self-sufficient but i know that some of their professors think they’re more -self-righteous, -precipitous & -self-destructive, maybe that’s why the police are still interviewing them on the reopened cold case. maybe it was because they were also A BAD INFLUENCE for NATALIA LINDERMAN. i mean that is just a little suspicious, but i only really think of scuffed black combat boots, a car that always smells like weed, and meaningless tattoos when i hear their name, not murder. but i could be wrong. — MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL.

boo bitch i’m gin, bout to head out to work but tbh i’ll be around to chat n plot bc whew it’s boring there !!!! anyway down below you’ll find a terrible bio + some wcs so come hmu and we’ll plot some angst or give this a like and i’ll slide in ur dms woo ah

also a tl;dr is right before the wcs and above that is a brief description of his connection to natalia

trigger warnings for drug use/abuse, addiction, and infidelity

background info

leo was born in london to two very wealthy parents, richard and cynthia van doren. richard was something of an inattentive father (particularly when it came to leo) and from early on beginning to distance himself from the family, and while cynthia certainly loved leo, she’d always wanted a daughter, which she got two years later when his little sister victoria ( @toriivd​ ) was born. thus, it was from an extremely young age that leo began to feel like something of a black sheep in the family. richard was, unbeknownst to any of them, already having an affair with a woman in america whom he’d met on several business trips to arizona. all they knew was that he hardly seemed invested in their family anymore, let alone to take an interest in their lives. of course, victoria was a daddy’s girl, and though she often pretended not to see this happening leo knew perfectly well she was lying deliberately to herself. it was something he only pulled out when they fought bitterly, and they both knew it was a low blow when he did. 

this was especially apparent in high school, when leo’s acting out turned to drug use, skipping school, and even trouble with the police a few times. richard was almost never there either to lend fatherly support or to discipline--the only time he was, leo got the tongue-lashing of his life as well as a slap in the face, and if he had to pick a specific event which led him to the realization that he hated his father, it would be that one. 

even as things were looking rockier and rockier with their parents, leo was 12 when his mom got pregnant again. 13 when she had their baby brother, bradley. it was frankly a mess and for the first couple years leo was not at all good about helping. he resented the further attention drawn away from himself and hated his dad more than ever for his seemingly endless supply of bullshit

when he was 15, tori 13, and bradley 2, their parents finally got divorced. he and tori listened in on the final, blow-out fight from the stairs and learned that the reason their father had been taking so many business trips to the states all these years was in fact another woman, and even better, the two kids he had with her. tori had processed this in her own way, and leo had tried to be there for her, but his own self-destructive method of processing it made it difficult to do so. in other ways, however, the whole thing changed the nature of his relationship with his mother, which had always been a little distant. the fact of his father’s betrayal had the effect of inspiring within leo a fierce love and protectiveness over her, and in the rubble of their family the four of them found something much more intimate than they’d had before. 

he graduated high school in spite of all this but spent the following two years doing nothing productive; it was sex drugs rock n roll and rebellion, and through it all giving a huge metaphorical middle finger to his dad, who’d officially moved to arizona to pledge his allegiance to his chosen family. leo and tori eventually came to the morally questionable agreement to tell people that their father had died in a car accident rather than explain the truth, and for leo, it was as much an act of spitting on his father’s memory as it was a tactic to avoid talking about it. 

it was when tori finally graduated high school that they formulated the plan to go to university in arizona, and while they were there to try and find their father. not because leo missed him, of course--it was closure he was after, and only seeing him and his other family would allow him to find it.

a year ago now, leo went back home to england for a month and a half to check himself into rehab, but the only person he told was his mom. it was for an opioid addiction that had gotten out of hand and he did indeed manage to get clean. he’s even managed to stay clean when it comes to the opioids, but he’s started doing coke now and then and dabbling in pills. mostly though it’s just a lot a lot of weed all the time. 

he’s in his senior year of his bfa and has almost no prospects, although that’s mostly due to his screwing them all up by being high and careless about it. a part of him despises the whole idea of school and the work force and having a career and is lowkey self destructing bc he can’t handle the idea of growing up and having to act like an adult

personality

so for the most part, leo is super super chill, doesn’t take anything very seriously, is cracking jokes 24/7 (his sense of humor is so so so dry), almost always high, and if no one stops him will start rambling on about literally anything in his pretentious know it all way that he genuinely doesn’t realize is so wildly pretentious

he’s a fine arts major with a focus in illustration but he also does a lot of sculpting. so he doodles a lot, probably on things he shouldn’t doodle on, and he makes money on the sculptures here and there (which he’s telling himself he can sustain for his entire life lmao)

pansexual, tends to sleep around but genuinely likes being in a relationship. he falls in love rly easily and has little crushes on random people all the time and is prone to infatuations with people who don’t feel the same way. most relationships he’s had have failed bc of his drug problem interfering and/or becoming too much for his partner at the time to deal with

for everything he’s been thru, leo actually has quite an optimistic view of the world and people in general and he just really likes human interaction and being around people. he can come off as wildly eccentric and difficult to keep up with and sometimes makes it seem like he thinks he’s better than everyone and doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks but on the highest of keys he cares so much what everyone thinks and will probably admit that out loud tbh ftyegudhsujka

cares about his mom, sister, and little brother more than anything in the world and feels guilty as HELL about not being there while his brother is growing up

will lose his mind if u call him leonardo

connection to natalia linderman //  natalia was the good girl, and that was certainly part of leo’s motivation to corrupt her—there was something thrilling about being able to effect such change in someone held in such high esteem on campus—but that wasn’t all of it. some part of him had developed feelings, too, and it killed him that she never saw him that way. the drugs and the class-skipping to smoke weed made him feel close to her, even when she was talking about other people. he eventually began to feel guilty for what he saw as poisoning her with his way of life, and he’d been working up the nerve to tell her this until she went missing. he now lives with the fear that whatever she got mixed up in that resulted in her death could be blamed on the drugs, and more specifically, him.

tl;dr // comes from a wealthy british family whose father left when he was 15 in favor of his second family in america; weed smoker, class skipper, pretentious art boy acts like he doesn’t give a fuck but actually gives the most fucks and readily admits it; surprisingly soft but will Fight for his mom and sister; spent two months that nobody knows about in rehab last year for an opioid addiction

wanted connections/plot ideas

this will have to be discussed with me n maia but !! a boy who tori was dating six months ago (for however long before that) who seduced leo and then told him he wanted to be w him instead, and then broke up with tori when leo said no and told her he cheated on her but not with whom fytsugeuhkdij so hmu if u wanna fill that and i’ll give u more deets 👀

the two kids!!! from their dad’s second family!!!! PLEASE!!!

randomly someone he was in rehab with showing up in arizona somehow???? more likely than u think !!

a few exes from arizona + any exes from back home in london would be cute

someone with a s/o whom leo is practically in love with who does not feel the same way back p l e a s e ideally they’d be rly close friends too

stoner buds thanks

gimme some of tori’s exes/suitors for leo to fight OR even softer.....to rly like and root for

a bad influence who encourages his drug use :/

good influences!!!

whew also someone who kind of.....had an idea of what he was doing with natalia and was Big Sus about it and maybe still is !!!?????!

[freckliedan]

ayyee den!! airports, preshow playlist, gtpwtw, and memories :)

hi leo!!! ty for the ask!!!

airports: how many countries have you traveled to?I’ve been to canada a few times-I was born in michigan so we visited ontario sometimes when i was a little kid? i don’t really remember that very well but i do remember driving through british columbia & yukon on our way to alaska bc when we moved here we drove &.. as a seven year old that’s the most boring thing in the entire world fdskjldsk. 

i also was a part of people to people international’s student ambassador program when i was 13? & i was like.. 100% offline then, but i did go on a trip thru england, ireland, scotland and wales for 19 days in the summer of 2009 & in conclusion i think that just being in the same country as dnp when they became facebook friends was enough to turn me into the giant lesbian i am today due to proximity 2 their gay energies. 

preshow playlist: one song that reminds you of dnpthere’s so many oh my god but i haven’t really been able to stop listening to one direction since seeing ii a month ago in la and while 18 is a song that like. fucking makes me cry sometimes bc it also reminds me so completely of me & my gf? amber @freckliephil and i were talking the other day & she told me that ready to run by 1d is the current, 2018 mood for dan and phil bc it really does seem like they might be coming out at some point not long after the tour and i just.. im a mess. i’m also working on making a 2009 playlist n thats fun & also ruining my lifee

gtpwtw: how long have you been a fan of dnpsince.. 2012? i looked it up the other day and i very first watched a video on november 27th that year, which i know bc my now-girlfriend-then-just-becoming-friends-ex-nemesis emailed me dan’s i will go down with this ship video then! which means i joined the fandom less than a month after the vday leak but not directly bc of the leak so.. honestly an incredibly messy time. i was engaged w the fandom on deviantart in 2012 and 2013, it was my main fandom & kind of my introduction to fandom? & then like rejection sensitive dysphoria & life stuff kind of steered me away frm having dnp as my main fandom for like.. a while? but i never stopped being fully demon in my heart, and i made this blog in april & i’m so so so happy that i did. i have another older tumblr that i’ve had since 2013 but having a blog just dedicated to dnp feels so nice & like.. being in the community is overall so good? my year has been so fucking incredible since starting to meet ppl & have friends through dnp? so thanks 2 amber for convincing me to take the plunge n make this blog honestly.

but yeah i’ve been here since 2012, dnp proved to me that love was real after my parents’ divorce, i realized the other day that i saw the first radio show live and i had no idea what to do with that information but my heart is so full of happiness n pride for dnp at how good they’re doing this year, thank u so much for asking me this question i didn’t even realize i had this much to say?

memories: what is your happiest memoryi have a few that are tied? i have a million soft happy memories with my gf, our love is. the exact same kind of love as dan and phil’s like i believe in soulmates bc of them but also me & my gf,,,, but my happiest memories?

one of the best memories would be like, so, for backstory? my girlfriend and i wrote and produced a musical out of spite at our old highschool during her senior year/the year after i graduated, and that includes like, being the teachers of a class full of  other students between the ages of 11-18? and we did the entire thing in about a year entirely on our own, so just? hugging in the lobby after the opening night show ended with the incandescent and impossible sense of we did that and knowing it was just the beginning for us? was incredible. it’s incomparable to anything in the world. 

a 2nd happiest memory is being in portland for a week in may 2017 with my best friend miles, and getting to meet amber @freckliephil & piper @asterlark after about a year of talking online? they’re my soulmates in a friend way and even though i’ve only had the chance to spend time with them in person during 3 periods of time in the last year and a half it feels more right to be where they are than to be in a different state than them it’s like. more calm and natural and relaxing to be in the same space? like, idk, i need to be alone to unwind sometimes but they’re some of the few people in the world i can be alone with and still calm down/recharge.

& a 3rd happiest memory is the 4 days i spent traveling to see ii this summer, i flew to portland & stayed w amber & piper for a night (& got my septum pierced bc i was doing my best to be living my truth to make dnp proud) & then we all flew to LA met a bazillion people from our gc and just? from meeting @plateho at the airport to seeing dnp live and literally full body sobbing when welcome to the black parade played right before the show (bc i knew every single person there including dnp backstage were probably all feeling the same exact overwhelming happiness and excitement please forgive me im a pisces rising We Just Cry) to staying up until literally 4:20am smoking weed & having conversations & just.. living for the moment? i’ve been a better happier more assertive version of myself since that week and i really, really like the new me. so. yeah. 

i’d have to say those 3 are tied pretty dang thoroughly. 

[meirathinks]

Hello, I was wondering if you could do a matchup for me (from characters of any of the 3 pieces of media you've listed - JJK, AOT, CSM- I'm not picky lol) ! I'm 18, INFP, Aquarius, I also think zodiac signs are whack but if my amazing beautiful wonderful pretty handsome (fictional) s/o likes them then so will i. I go by any and all pronouns and no specific gender preference. everyone finds me hot. i find everyone hot.

anyways!! I'm pretty socially awkward, have social anxiety, and stutter or have a bit of trouble with speaking, but i do talk quite a bit. might come off as cold, or a people pleaser, simultaneously for whatever reason. i do have a stubborn set of morals though. things that motivate me are always personal, I'm a very emotionally deep person. i dislike people who are pushy. pretty independent, extremely open minded. kind of fickle? but in a "im so bad at making decisions" way. empathetic. understanding. I take time to open up, usually, because its spicy (I have unresolved trauma), but also have a bit of a "i can fix them" complex. horribly insecure oh my god am i y/n. I'm plain enough to be y/n right. except I'm not white :( pretty dry sense of humor, if I'm really close i attempt to do theatrics (but fail. hopefully it's funny.). i smile a lot for a depressed mf. and they're not fake lol. the kinda person to make a deadpan face when someone says something ridiculous. short (somewhere between 5-5'1) n bony (am I a fish. this is so Weird.) , I'm not exactly competitive but i do hate losing so i usually make sure to try to have the moral high ground whenever possible, and sometimes delude myself into thinking that I do when things arent right so that in my mind i am always winning #alphamale. I'm nice I guess? the "silly homie with an air of profound sadness" typa beat but in a very lowkey social anxiety way. Sense of humor is very bad. neither a good nor a bad person. i value emotions more than logic, but i deal with those emotions logically, if that makes sense. love hugs, want to do a lot of things but LAZY and depressed, honestly if u leave me alone for a few days u WILL find me dead. oblivious af to surroundings. enjoy ur murder charge u fvcking neglecting b!tch. love language is physical touch, words i am not good with them thru speech but if poetry is accepted thats fine too. I'd like someone more outgoing? Because I'm not LOL. i can get kinda angry-blush-fuck-u-i-love-u-too sometimes depending on the other person. THIS GOT LONG IM SO SORRY!!!! also i love your blog, and mostly your name!!!! sending you a lot of love ♡

Hello!!!! Before I begin— I cackled through your entire paragraph why are you so funny😭

You’ve been paired with...

Denji!!

You guys would be the sitcom couple. I’m literally crying thinking about it denji would say something unbelievable stupid and you would just stare back at him like 😐

I also think that denji would be so annoying (in an attempt to annoy you to do things) that you’d just end up doing some things out of spite. 

Oh my gosh the decisions you two would make together would be so so stupid— everyone would look at you guys and think ‘Look at them having fun :)’

You two would balance eachother out! Imagine being on the same team as him during some game night with power and aki. Denji would be so competative and you’ll be trying to win too and Aki’d just stare 😐

Imagine seeing denji for the first time and thinking “yeah, i can fix that.” Thats you. 

[beautifulscreaminglady]

#btw i got out#even though i felt this way#i was undiagnosed and was in a particularly fucked up situation#(it's complicated lol)#i had no money and no way out#no car no license . i still had a curfew at 22 years old#and still. i got out.#you can get out too.#i wasn't allowed to literally do anything after school we were pretty much only allowed 1 hobby#and STILL i got out.#it wasn't bc i was particularly smart or capable or clever. it's that 1. i got lucky & 2.#i knew there had to be The Rest of The World#and I wanted to at least VAGUELY get to the Rest of the World before i gave up trying#sometimes it's the spite that gets u thru it. that sense - fuck u#FUCK YOU ACTUALLY.#im gonna make my own life u stupid bitch. since u seem so convinced i could never REALLY do it.#whenever ppl are like <3 just cut out ur parents <3 im like <3 have u never been poor lol <3#<3 i needed them to sign my loans <3#<3 bestie not every person who is struggling is going to be able to make the grades and hero status to get a free ride.#and guess what baby!! we still deserve to get out and have a good life.

one of the things about having an unstable parent is that it can so easily ruin your future. you want to get out, but getting out takes having agency. it takes the resume and the grades and the stellar community service history.

but you have to choose your battles. you know if you sign up for an after-school activity, it'll be okay for a while, so long as the activity is parent-approved and god-fearing. over time, like all things, it will become an argument (i can't keep carting your ass to these things) or a weapon (talk to me like that again, see if you get to go to practice). sometimes, if you love the thing, it's worth it. but you also know better than to love something: that's how they get you. if you ever actually want something, it will always be the center of their attention. they will never stop threatening you with it. telling you of course i'm a good parent, i came to all of those stupid events.

you learn to balance yourself perfectly. you can either have a social life or you can have hobbies. both of these things will be under constant scrutiny. you spend too much time with her, you should be at home with family is equally paired with you're acting like this because you're addicted to what's on that goddamn screen. you cannot ever actually win, so everything falls within a barter system that you calculate before entering: do you want to learn how to drive? if so, you'll need to give up asking for a new laptop, even though yours died. maybe you can work on a computer at the library. of course, that would mean you'd be allowed to go to the library, which would mean something else has to bleed. nothing ever actually comes free.

and that bitter, horrible irony: you could be literally following their orders and it still isn't pretty. they tell you to get a job; they hate that your job keeps you late and gives you access to actual money. they tell you to do better in school; they say no child of mine needs a tutor. they want you to stop being so morose, don't you know there are people who are really suffering - but they revile the idea you might actually need therapy.

you didn't survive that fall the way other people would. you've seen other people scramble and get their way out, however they could. maybe you were made too-soft: the answer didn't come to you easily. it wasn't quick. it was brutal and nasty. some people even asked you why didn't you just work hard and escape during school? and you felt your head spinning. why didn't you? (they control your financial aid. they control your loan status. they love having that kind of thing). maybe in another life you got diagnosed sooner and got the meds you needed to actually focus and got attention from the right teachers who helped you clear hurdles to get up out of here - but for now? here?

the effort of trying. the effort of not-dying. that kind of effort was absolutely agonizing.

[lunatik28]

Inkskinned own tags: #writeblr

#btw i got out

#even though i felt this way

#i was undiagnosed and was in a particularly fucked up situation

#(it's complicated lol)

#i had no money and no way out

#no car no license . i still had a curfew at 22 years old

#and still. i got out.

#you can get out too.

#i wasn't allowed to literally do anything after school we were pretty much only allowed 1 hobby

#and STILL i got out.

#it wasn't bc i was particularly smart or capable or clever. it's that 1. i got lucky & 2.

#i knew there had to be The Rest of The World

#and I wanted to at least VAGUELY get to the Rest of the World before i gave up trying

#sometimes it's the spite that gets u thru it. that sense - fuck u

#FUCK YOU ACTUALLY.

#im gonna make my own life u stupid bitch. since u seem so convinced i could never REALLY do it.

#whenever ppl are like <3 just cut out ur parents <3 im like <3 have u never been poor lol <3

#<3 i needed them to sign my loans <3

#<3 bestie not every person who is struggling is going to be able to make the grades and hero status to get a free ride.

#and guess what baby!! we still deserve to get out and have a good life.

I did have that hero status. Distracting myself from the pain by working really hard at school and at a job helped me.

And it still took me 8 more years (after 18. after I got out) to cut my father out of my life. And a few more to cut my mother out. And I still feel bad sometimes. I still need therapy.

Even if you achieve hero status and work and find a good partner (I was very lucky! many end up repeating the pattern!) and manage to have your own home etc etc

even then

it’s hard to unlearn all of the shit. It feels like my head is still back there. I have to ask my partner often is he’s angry at me. I’m still scared of SO many things.

I had 30 awful years due to my parents.

But I also feel hopeful for my future. Because it does get better. Not just all at once, but every day, it gets a little bit better. You get a home and a job and therapy and every day one more cell in your body relaxes.

one of the things about having an unstable parent is that it can so easily ruin your future. you want to get out, but getting out takes having agency. it takes the resume and the grades and the stellar community service history.

but you have to choose your battles. you know if you sign up for an after-school activity, it'll be okay for a while, so long as the activity is parent-approved and god-fearing. over time, like all things, it will become an argument (i can't keep carting your ass to these things) or a weapon (talk to me like that again, see if you get to go to practice). sometimes, if you love the thing, it's worth it. but you also know better than to love something: that's how they get you. if you ever actually want something, it will always be the center of their attention. they will never stop threatening you with it. telling you of course i'm a good parent, i came to all of those stupid events.

you learn to balance yourself perfectly. you can either have a social life or you can have hobbies. both of these things will be under constant scrutiny. you spend too much time with her, you should be at home with family is equally paired with you're acting like this because you're addicted to what's on that goddamn screen. you cannot ever actually win, so everything falls within a barter system that you calculate before entering: do you want to learn how to drive? if so, you'll need to give up asking for a new laptop, even though yours died. maybe you can work on a computer at the library. of course, that would mean you'd be allowed to go to the library, which would mean something else has to bleed. nothing ever actually comes free.

and that bitter, horrible irony: you could be literally following their orders and it still isn't pretty. they tell you to get a job; they hate that your job keeps you late and gives you access to actual money. they tell you to do better in school; they say no child of mine needs a tutor. they want you to stop being so morose, don't you know there are people who are really suffering - but they revile the idea you might actually need therapy.

you didn't survive that fall the way other people would. you've seen other people scramble and get their way out, however they could. maybe you were made too-soft: the answer didn't come to you easily. it wasn't quick. it was brutal and nasty. some people even asked you why didn't you just work hard and escape during school? and you felt your head spinning. why didn't you? (they control your financial aid. they control your loan status. they love having that kind of thing). maybe in another life you got diagnosed sooner and got the meds you needed to actually focus and got attention from the right teachers who helped you clear hurdles to get up out of here - but for now? here?

the effort of trying. the effort of not-dying. that kind of effort was absolutely agonizing.