#im gonna make my own life u stupid bitch. since u seem so convinced i could never REALLY do it.

[inkskinned]

one of the things about having an unstable parent is that it can so easily ruin your future. you want to get out, but getting out takes having agency. it takes the resume and the grades and the stellar community service history.

but you have to choose your battles. you know if you sign up for an after-school activity, it'll be okay for a while, so long as the activity is parent-approved and god-fearing. over time, like all things, it will become an argument (i can't keep carting your ass to these things) or a weapon (talk to me like that again, see if you get to go to practice). sometimes, if you love the thing, it's worth it. but you also know better than to love something: that's how they get you. if you ever actually want something, it will always be the center of their attention. they will never stop threatening you with it. telling you of course i'm a good parent, i came to all of those stupid events.

you learn to balance yourself perfectly. you can either have a social life or you can have hobbies. both of these things will be under constant scrutiny. you spend too much time with her, you should be at home with family is equally paired with you're acting like this because you're addicted to what's on that goddamn screen. you cannot ever actually win, so everything falls within a barter system that you calculate before entering: do you want to learn how to drive? if so, you'll need to give up asking for a new laptop, even though yours died. maybe you can work on a computer at the library. of course, that would mean you'd be allowed to go to the library, which would mean something else has to bleed. nothing ever actually comes free.

and that bitter, horrible irony: you could be literally following their orders and it still isn't pretty. they tell you to get a job; they hate that your job keeps you late and gives you access to actual money. they tell you to do better in school; they say no child of mine needs a tutor. they want you to stop being so morose, don't you know there are people who are really suffering - but they revile the idea you might actually need therapy.

you didn't survive that fall the way other people would. you've seen other people scramble and get their way out, however they could. maybe you were made too-soft: the answer didn't come to you easily. it wasn't quick. it was brutal and nasty. some people even asked you why didn't you just work hard and escape during school? and you felt your head spinning. why didn't you? (they control your financial aid. they control your loan status. they love having that kind of thing). maybe in another life you got diagnosed sooner and got the meds you needed to actually focus and got attention from the right teachers who helped you clear hurdles to get up out of here - but for now? here?

the effort of trying. the effort of not-dying. that kind of effort was absolutely agonizing.

[otgwbgyu]

kay so basically this is what sarah’s mom said onfacebook regarding me and my friends. yep.

like okay subtweeting us on a social media platform where we won’t even know abt it and continuing to shame r parents when it’s obvious UR the one who needs shaming! 😹😹 leave the gossiping in highschool no one gives a SHITTT

one scroll through my account and it is clear that i am NOTTT the problem lady (nor r any of my friends but proof for that will come later!)

my only issue with sarah was not only her inability to take a joke and philosophical/analytical nature but the fact she saw me as competition in academics and style

she constantly demeaned my own abilities to make hers seem better and would make a point to brag abt her study skills and allat to me personally

and it wasn’t only in academics IT WAS THROUGH STYLE. THROUGH STYLE

tell me why this year she decides to pink everything up, put cute stickers on everything, and all of a sudden CLAIM mymelody as her own??? like EXCUSE ME????

ngl take inspo off me im flattered or wtv but jesus christ it was like looking in a mirror sometimes

it’s a shame she couldn’t copy my personality idk if it’d make it any better completely that’s up for others to decide but definitely would’ve made it better in certain areas!!!

like pink is MY thing my melody is MY thing u can develop ur style however u want but don’t go around trying to impersonate me and take shticks away from me that have been mine for YEARS

you’ll never be a young child year old with a pink and purple bedroom obsessed with girly things with a tomboy mom and sister who thinks she’s a tomboy and a dad who is a man struggling to express her girliness bc no one in the family has or wants experience in that

i’m girly i like makeup i like pink i like my melody but i like them in a way you’ll never understand

idc if i’m being petty or gatekeeping or being a bitch i finally find comfort in expressing my style only for u to pick it up and make a cheap copy off of it and try to dethrone me like NOOO BITCH i’m not even gonna offer to share

like thx for taking inspo ill gladly have that happen but when u try to claim it as ur own and put yourself in a position that it makes it look like i either copied YOU or im not as girly as u then that’s when the issues arises

and oh my god she was SO fucking condescending like sooo condescending

she always bragged abt her studious habits and acted like a fucking teachers pet know it all

mrs engle was passive towards u BC SHE DGAFFF. NO ONE DOES. WAKE UP. IM SICK OF HOES LIKE U IM SO DONEEE

am i obsessively stupids? hell yeah. but for the same reasons as sarah? hell NO

it’s obvious she behaves that way to give herself a sense of superiority and through that she gains confidence and motivation in striving to do better than everyone else instead of wanting to succeed for her own good

she speaks with a fancy and advanced vocabulary to sound smart and intimating especially in discussions (particularly ones that started out as light-hearted that she turned srs)

i get studious and form strict study habits because i have extreme anxiety over my future and crave academic validation from adults and people who will be defending my future and even myself. i strive to succeed for myself since i want to get through life smoothly and have a way to support myself while also pursuing something i love (meteorology!!)

i speak in an advanced vocabulary bc that’s how i’ve always been. i have a mom who went to college and works in a field that requires her to be word-savvy and that reflects into her daily life therefore impacting me since i grew up attached to her hip basically. i talk like this bc of the way i was raised and out of habit, not to make others feel dumb or intimidated. and at least im actually self aware and still try to tone it down to not appear that way

she was rlly so convinced she was morally superior than everyone but no ur the opposite

and her constant talk abt calories and nutrition always irked me and made me feel sooo uncomfortable and i think why is very obvious by ONE small peek at this account ☺️☺️ like i get wanting to pursue.a healthy lifestyle good for u man i’m proud of u and ur weight loss journey but it seemed like it made her feel superior to everyone and she just HAD to voice it. like openly saying “that has too many calories” and counting calories out LOUD to ppl who r eating the same exact food? evil shit. like idc what ur intentions r bc nobody would do that unless they’re trying to seem healthier and make others feel guilty. the evilest shit u can do is make ppl feel insecure abt their body/intake when it’s obvious u needed that ur entire life

and she’d always make me feel bad abt mine? like it’s obvious i’m not the skinniest but im not FAT…. like girl believe it or not im 102 lbs😭 (my weight fluctuates from 100-105 lbs regularly it’s SO strange) idc if i don’t look like it i just have unfortunate fat distribution THAT U WENT OUT OF UR WAY TO MAKE FUN OF DESPITE KNOING I WAS ISNECURE

u pinched my cheeks chin and upper arms KNOWING. KNOWING I WAS ISNECURE ABT THOSE!!! i’ve literally cried over that shit and u still have the audacity to do all that. insecure ass bitch projecting ur own insecurities onto me and making ME feel like shit

ur just mad ur bmi’s in a different TIMELINE than mine even tho im not super skinny

and she even made fun of my workout gear…. 😭 calling it weak ash. girl ik ur lifting 10lb bags of rice 10x before u devour the entire things and call it a day bc those biceps r SHITTT

like this is u but w fat okay pipe down

plus i only work out for health reasons bc MY ENTIRE LOWER BODY IS FUCKED UP!!! i’m gonna have chronic knee hip and ankle pain for the rest of my life unless i keep them strengthened!! and i even have an issue that’s impossible to fix that i’ll have to work around!! so stfu u don’t know shit abt my life. although maybe i dabble in weight loss workout a bit but it doesn’t take a lot and extreme equipment unlike u

and the fact she totally blew us off freshman year?? 😭😭 like girl do NOTTT try u tried it once in middle school bc u refused to believe ur bsf was toxic and victimized him and yourself and painted us as evil toxic villains but when u were all alone DESPITE us still reaching and including u especially when u we’re going thru shit BC WE (at least i did) GENUINELY LIKED U u ran crying back to us bc u had no friends and still needed company 🥰🥰 and ykw i WANT to let u off on this bc i don’t think ppl r required to stay friends with ppl for the rest of their lives but it’s the fact u left with NO communication and tried to COMPLEYELY ignore all of us?!?! like during orientation when u were the only person i knew in r group ofc id try to stick by u but u just blew me off?? and then i saw u talking to katelyn and others later??? like hello?????? and the fact katelyn and i r now closer than you’ve ever been LMAOO sucks to suck fuckass loser AND WE’RE NOT EVEN THAT CLOSE WE JUST FRIENDLY but wahh wahh u realized h can’t make new friends bc ur so unlikeable like clockwork u came running back to the only ppl who put up w ur shit and look where it got u. history alwaysss repeats itself huh. and the fact she randomly inserted herself back. no explanation, no apology, just acted like everything was gucci and cool LIKE???? mf u ignored us for monthsss and all of a sudden ur trying to act like ur part of the team…. make it make sense juseyo

and back to the bungee situation…. not her trying to tell me how to feel abt bungee LMAOOO

THAT MF MADE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF SLASH SRS SLASH GEN I DO NOOOOT GAF ABT HOW HE WOULD FEEL IF HE HEARD ALK THE SHIT WE SAID BEHIND HIS BACK 😭😭😭

he made me and so many others feel miserable for yearsss he can take a couple of comments and teasing he’ll never hear dw abt him 😭 and when she’d play along w the fat jokes like ouh throwing stones in glass houses i see

it’s just so fucking astounding that she rlly thought she could tell me to consider the feelings of a sick bully who never once had the compassion to feel abt mine even tho we were friends for 2 years. baffling. like y r u defending someone we dropped AGES AGOOO over ME. SOMEONE WHO HAS SHOWED U NOTHING BUT KINDNESS AND RESPECT. SOMEONE WHO IS STILL A GREAT FRIEND WHO TOLERATES UR BULLSHIT.

ugh and not her arrogance. this kinda goes hand in hand w her condescending attitude. but like she used to be so meek and shy and like that made me sad i wanted to see her express herself i wanted to see her be more comfortable but it seems like she did gain some confidence but took it too far. u give them an inch they’ll go a mile ig

i even wrote a poem for my summer reading abt her LMAOOO i compared her to icarus bc she rlly did fly too close to the sun w all that huh 😓😓

and the fact she was actively pushing me away and honestly did not gaf abt me for the last couple of months we were friends lmao

she came running to me to find peace as if r dm’s weren’t a barren wasteland bc she didn’t bother to respond to my texts or continue conversations yet would jump to respond to ANY notification from the gc as long as it wasn’t me (and weirdly rissa. idk why sarah didn’t like her either ill have to think abt that. maybe she saw her as a threat somehow bc rissa is basically the one who woke everybody up😭)

but yeah i made an entry/post abt a specific event where i responded to something and she was soo unenthusiastic but when i think ava responded she was sooo excited and joyous and full of glee and whimsy i just had to laugh bc at least don’t make it look obvious lmfaoo

and the fact she brushed off the anniversary art 🫠 like ok not only is it art that takes a LONG time to do and was quite literally a GIFT for u but i created that thing while actively hating ur guts u should be grateful it’s at least decent bc i could’ve just straight up have not done it 😊 and i was close to! if only i knew ur ungrateful ass wouldn’t be phase one single bit. bc of that every piece of poetry you’ve written is trash and mediocre at best and u should give that dream up and live ur life working in a cubicle from 9-5 calling random ppl to sell a product while barely making enough to support yourself

it’s like she knew i still liked her bc i was the only one who actively reached out to her when she tried to separate herself both times and was there for me when she was in the psych ward and stuff but once she realized she successfully got back in she didn’t need to use me as a link and could live on her own. she’s like a nasty parasite who took advantage of my kindness and pity and when she didn’t need it anymore she pushed me away to get closer to others who were more “cool” and ppl she knew she wasn’t that close with

basically: she hated my guts and saw me as competition for whatever reason, and i hated her as well! making it mutual! this friendship was destined to fail the minute her ego skyrocketed and idk if it’s salvageable at all. everytime i see her i still get so angry and feel all the emotions i did any time she made a snarky remark or tried to pull some of her typical shit

in conclusion FUCK SARAH!!! FUCK ALL THAT!!!!

fuq all dat “silent treatment” and “lack of communication

[emikvs]

﹤𝙽𝙰𝙽𝙰 𝙺𝙾𝙼𝙰𝚃𝚂𝚄, 𝚂𝙷𝙴 / 𝙷𝙴𝚁, 𝙲𝙸𝚂 𝙵𝙴𝙼𝙰𝙻𝙴﹥; * - hello EMIKO " EMI " SATO. long time no see. i know a lot about you. like how you're TWENTY ONE, how you're a CLASSICS major,  and in fact.. how you LIE AND TELL EVERYONE YOU STUDIED ABROAD FOR A YEAR WHEN YOU WERE ACTUALLY IN REHAB. would be a shame if it got out, wouldn't it ? so let's play a game. 𝚃𝚁𝚄𝚃𝙷 𝙾𝚁 𝙳𝙰𝚁𝙴 ?

*itzy vc* hey hey hey ! SDBJWBDJW what’s up......its xan aha ... this is gonna be the biggest mess ever ...just winging it as i go. and u know what ? thats on on brand babey ! lets get it ...TW: drug use/mention, accidents/hospitalization ( just in case)

backstory

virginia born and raised babey ! she’s the youngest of five siblings and ...it shows. SJDBJWBDJW growing up would have been pretty chaotic had it not been for the fact that her dad was a pretty well-respected police officer in their town ! him & her mom were high school sweethearts which made no damn sense to emiko considering they’re still happily married...the concept just seems fake to her </3

while her parents had a lot of  mushy love for each other, when it came to their kids they opted to take a more emotionally distanced kind of parenting style bc they didnt wanna like spoil their kids or anything but.....it wasnt exactly the best plan ! emi and all her siblings just learned to be very good liars JDSBWBDJW as kids with strict parents do

being the youngest emi took a while to get into her rebellious phase. for a while she’d just watch her older siblings sneak out and party and do walks of shame and all that jazz...and while she was always down to help them get out of trouble none of them ever really trusted her ? since she was the baby they figured she’d be the most likely to snitch which just made her really ///: bc she wanted to be included so bad

flash forward to senior year of high school and finally emi’s like . okay fuck this it’s MY turn ! her dad had recently decided to get into politics with some encouragement from the police chief so he was busy with his career and her mom was busy helping him. it was the perfect time to do what she wanted since it was less likely she’d get caught

so she goes to this graduation party.....and it’s BAD like she gets fucked up & carried away so she calls her oldest sister ( who had come back into town for emi’s graduation ) to come pick her up & on the way to get emi from this house party, her sister ends up getting into an accident 

she didn’t die though JSBJDSBBWJDBWJDBJWDW just broke some stuff and ended up needing surgery ): and emi obviously got busted that night by her parents which ... wasnt pretty at all especially bc they low key blamed her for her sister’s accident which just made emi feel like pure shit babey ! 

visiting her sister in the hospital is what kinda sparked her fear of hospitals ! bc emi was like super guilty and paranoid that maybe her sister was gonna die or her surgery would go wrong and she’d essentially be at fault...it was just a lot of anxiety that turned into a genuine phobia of hospitals after that

but her sister made it she was okay and her dad used all the buzz and tragedy around his family to kinda boost his political career....which was ugly. her sister had been prescribed some pretty heavy pain killers for the pain & thats where things got.....messy

emi isnt sure when exactly it started but between the guilt she was harboring over her sister’s accident, the stress from her parents as her dad got further and further into virginia politics as well as college anxiety since she was about to start at the universoty of virginia.....she stole some oxy and thats what started what would be a very messy and tumultuous addiction  

as soon as she started college, emi felt as if some of the weight had been lifted. she was living away from her family for the first time and dorming so she promised herself she’d take these four years to grow and figure out who she is......except that didnt exactly happen. instead of exploring herself in a healthy way, emi was using drugs as a sort of escapism from her “old” self. she’s extremely smart and she loves her major, but her professors would often comment her papers had the energy of a “rambling and troubled mind”. by the time she was about to finish her sophomore year she was getting so high people would find her literally passed out in the dining hall. but no one was that worried bc for a good two years, she was a pretty high functioning addict. 

cue the summer after sophomore year when emi overdoses at a party. she woke up in a private hospital room with only her father sitting on the couch, the look on his face something she’ll never forget. while him and her mother knew exactly what happened to emi, they hadn’t told any of her siblings. or anyone at all, for that matter. instead her dad had informed the university emi would be taking a year off to privately study abroad and told emi that’s what she was going to tell people bc he’d just decided to run for mayor ! he essentially guilt-tripped her into thinking telling people the truth would be a selfish act, and one that would basically ruin the family reputation and make everyone really miserable JSDWDBWBDJW he also tells her she’s gonna be shipped off to rehab ! 

so she goes to rehab for a good seven months. everyone at school thinks she’s studying abroad in italy, and emi is literally just counting the days til she can go back home to her dorm bc she’s lonely !!! in rehab !!! and she gets that she should take it seriously but shes just so mad at her dad and herself and the world too ig ... just some good old fashioned angst ! but she finishes rehab and her dad got elected as mayor of her hometown in virginia and shes like good for u can i go back to school please JSBDWJDBJW and he says yes

so she’s back ! ready for the universe to give her a break.....ahaha.....

personality + tidbits

so emi......my baby......she’s a strange one. she’s that bitch that’s super nerdy but in the weirdest way like the stuff she’s into is so specific and just....generally stuff literally no one else would care about but to emi it’s like holy shit this is the coolest thing in the world JSBDJWBDJWBJD she knows a little about a lot so she has the tendency to come across as pretentious if you don’t know her outside of class when in reality she’s just read one too many random facts. also weird in the sense that she’s a STRONG believer in the paranormal and in aliens and in witchcraft and stuff like that as well as believing in things that seem “logical”. it can be confusing to people who view that stuff as silly that someone so smart would be into it. 

speaking of smart.....she’s a polygot which basically means she can speak a bunch of languages ! she’s self-taught, and since she’s a classics major some of her favorites to study include greek and latin ( dead language who ? ). she’s pretty chill about it though and if you wanted to learn she’d be the type that’s 100% down to teach you. she always learns the curse words first just you know....for the fun of it ! she probably has very specific “pet names” for everyone in the friend group in random languages 

anyway she’s also stupid. ASDJWBDWBJDBWJDWJD i mean like in the way that she makes the most .... impulsive decisions that usually have negative consequences. she’s the type to convince herself she knows exactly what she’s then come up with the worst plan you have ever heard in your life. an example of a dumb decision emi has made ? your girl ate a pot brownie the day after she got back in her dorm after rehab bc she convinced herself it was a good way to de-stress. some other dumb decisions include various drunk tattoos ( which thankfully haven’t been too bad save for the words eat me tattooed in small font on her ass ). also owns a stick & poke gun so she’s for sure tried to tattoo friends while intoxicated despite.....not being a tattoo artist ... she’s not even an art student .... SJBDJWBDJW....but she’s very very good at convincing people to join in on her dumb antics so be weary

big on photography !!! she loves taking pictures. always that one friend who reminds you to document the moment and you get annoyed but then when you want to post a picture on insta you’re thankful she was there <3 she has the energy of like .... the dad friend when you need support JSDBWBDJWBDJW she tries to be caring but it just turns into like ... emi high off her ass putting her hand on your shoulder and being like “you know fuck it man you’re amazing” not that good at the emotional stuff like she really wants to be but she legit doesn’t know how.......kinda accidentally turned into an emo kid bc she channels her feelings though some kick ass playlists and the notes app in her iphone instead of talking to people JSBDJWBJDBWJDBJ 

she’s high key struggling but she’s the type to be like no its fine this is fine life is a ride babey better hold on ! tries to keep things flirty and fresh 99% of the time but then you’ll witness the rare emi breakdown which.....involves a whole lot of tweets that will all be deleted within 24 hours and emi will in fact deny they ever existed

really a laid-back girl but the chaotic energy is there folks......she can also very easily get into her youngest child complex if she’s upset which just involves emi being a pain in the ass and everyone having to deal with it JSBDWBDJWBDJWBDJW  she likes to make it hard to say no to her.....not exactly manipulative but sometimes she can get close /: not listed in her fears but she is in fact scared of genuine love and affection ! it’s like she craves it so much she’s terrified abt what will happen if she ever gets it.......so she makes sure she’s never in danger of that by never getting into anything serious.....but then at night shes like damn . kinda want a freak to hold my hand rn and tell me they love me ... JSDBWBDJWBDJWBJDWJDW it’s all fun and games.............

ok thats it im done rambling.................this is so long..............and for what !!!!! i made her more of a clown than i intended but thats okay (: JSDBJWBDWJDBWJ emi might hate clowns but im embracing them ! 

[bigbrothermonopoly]

EPISODE 2:

HOH: KRISTINE

EVICTED: NICKY (WALKED)

JESS:

Kristine being in power scares me shitless. I know I haven't exactly been the MOST social person in this game and I've been very UTR the last couple of days/ non existent but I always felt like I was good with Kristine. I don't know? I thought we talked a good bit at least in comparison to others.... but then after she won I called her the HBIC and homegirl told me she loved my ass kissing. That HOHITIS is real with this one ladies. I offered up my services as a potential person to work with moving forward and she ignored my offer. She literally swerved me. Straight up IGNORED me and focused on what I said about not being social. So there is a good chance I'm going up and if I don't go up it isn't because Kristine doesn't want it.. it'll probably be because others don't want it. At least I hope? I'm trying NOT to go into crisis mode on the second HOH but... old habits die hard? I think that's the quote? I think if I had to write a "trust list" for this game.. honestly.. I'm feeling really good about Kori. I THINK we could go far together and we'd balance out each other well. Obviously he's a good player and I'm going to need that on my side moving forward. Eve is obviously my #1 right now but it'd be naive on me not to believe that others aren't saying the same about her. I really like Andrew but we don't talk game? But I guess I can improve on that? Those are the 3 people I'm vibing with right now. 

KORI:

Ok so at this point I'm not entirely sure if I made a DR entry earlier or not, I planned on making a video but at this point it'd just get too long. Rehder going unanimously is STILL a meme to me but here we are. Kristine winning HoH was honestly alright for me because I feel like she and I have a reasonably good relationship. Though I'm not sure it could ever be something long term because she's likely working with people I have no desire to work with. (Dem, Chris, Brien, those guys.) Emma and I had a serious talk about long term what we wanna do about Eve since we seem pretty in agreement that the current dynamic is Jess and Mackenzie are Eve's Top 2 Bitches, and we're like probably the Bottom 2 Bitches. Personally I think the best time for Eve to go is like F7ish but obviously we need more time for things to progress to see where we sit. I think longterm the Mandela Monocles are a better alliance for me since I think I could sit next to Austin OR Silence and win. I just can't sit next to Gwen who I really think just has a better personality than me. With Kristine nominating Madison it... isn't really ideal for me, but Madison is also pretty isolated at this point. While we have that Mitten Connection, if she is lacking any connection with others in this game I can't go dragging my feet for her... That being said, I think eliminating Nicky this round, would not be like... the WORST thing ever. It'd just be a question of convincing Gwen that it's a good idea. Though the harder thing would be convincing others that keeping Madison is a good idea. While I like her, I'm not sure it's in my best interest to leave tracks trying to keep her in the game. Obviously it's gonna depend on how Veto goes, if noms stay the same I might push a little for a Nicky boot and see what happens, but if it's not gonna happen I'll just cut my losses. (Though with Nicky doing his thing he seems likely to dig his own grave.)

AUSTIN:

I am feeling very comfortable this week. I’m in the power trap alliance with Chris, Kristine, Dem, and Emma. I’m also in the Mandela Monocles alliance with Gwen, Silence, and Kori. Kristine is currently HoH so I don’t think she will put me on the block. I have suspicions that Emma is working with Eve because when we were playing the HoH competition, Emma refused to take Eve out. I’m just glad that one of my alliances is in power.

KRISTINE:

Love the alliance. So happy I won HOH and got to be in power. The veto comp didn’t go as well as planned tbh. I’m sooo upset that I didn’t do as well as I wanted I was up at 200 something and then lost it all over a very stupid roll. But it’s fine whether I win this or not I know I’ll get my way. Nicky is going home, let’s just hope he doesn’t win HOH. Don’t ever argue with the HOH when you’re the one on the block LOL!!!

NICKY:

CAN I LIVE? Can i fucking live? there are 16 other people in this and yet i got nommed for a stupid reason yet again. 

WILLIAM:

I'm so glad I escaped this week without being nominated!!! I feel so much better this week than last week! At the end of last week I thought for sure I was gonna leave pre-jury but now I feel like I've made so many real connections and I feel like I am in a great spot with many people

ANDREW:

episode 2 This could be super naive of me to say and a little cocky and i know it 100% IS but i feel like almost everyone in this game loves me besides nicky, i think im just playing a really good social game im scared of eve for some reason i feel like she is the only person possibly playing a better game than me. just get those competitive af vibes from her, i will not go after her unless she comes for me doe. shes super cute tho love her vibes, and I think me and Jess formed and alliance just now As of now Austin Jess and Chris are my top 3 in that order Update: I love Eve, we had an emotional heart to heart about STUFF, ill never forget it and i appreciate her for it so much, even if we don't end up being on the same side in this game together, the bitch is dope. I fucking love these noms dude, my 2 least favorite people sittingpretty on the block and i had nothing to do with it. HORNY cuz they wont even be coming for me. I hope nicky fucking bombs veto. "i cant talk to all 16 of u at once" ya....nobody fuckin asked you too but kristines point is sometimes a simple HELLO can save u from being nominated But regardless im proud of her and her tatse. * has one mixed drink and suddenly wants to fight nicky for no reason * oops i apologized to him and i didn’t even read anything from last night after what i said bc embarrassment. idc if he accept my apology, just wanted to throw it out there so i don’t look like a total douche

CHRIS:

Well week Number two and I’m in two separate alliances, have House majority, close with a few women, beyond the game have final choose with multiple people, should not be on the block for a long time, while slowly running this game behind the scenes with Myself. This backseat life is the best life

GWEN:

Hiiii. So looks like Nicky is going home tonight. He kind of dug his own grave. He was such a party pooper during our house game on Friday. Sooo. Yeah. I’m closest with Kori and Chris - getting closer to Chris for sure. What is it with me and Chris’s in ORGs? I need to get back to work. That is all for now :)

MACKENZIE:

i really gotta uhhhhh try harder bc i feel on the lowest end of the Entire Totem Pole. i feel like if i won smthn that would change but i’m a flop so

DEM:

I actually would have kept Nicky if he had the numbers. I wish he didn't quit. I think he messed up by throwing names around, because some people actually wanted to keep him...

EMMA:

if u cant handle the heat nicky why did u sign up.. quitting is worst then getting evicted.

TAWNI:

Ok since I was out of it last round time for my cast assessment now. Since this was due prior to Nicky quitting I’ll include him Nicky - I forgot he existed week one. Actually sad he quit and was gonna leave cause he was entertaining arguing with Kristine Gwen - I love Gwen. She allows me to not be the official grandma of the game. She is very sociable which is scary. But I think I can trust her. Austin - automatically meh about him cause of his name. Pretty forgettable honestly. Mackenzie - nice gal. Nothing negative to say. Haven’t talked much. Jess - the person I’m most terrified of. When I realized she is THE boojess like fuck me. I’m scared. I feel like as long as I don’t get on her bad side I’m good. William - seems like a good kid. Kristine - I’m v intimidated by her. She won hoh and veto and seems like a very smart player. She makes me nervous. Silence - who???? Brien- ok this kid. I’m doing what I can to get him to trust me. I know he is a loyal person. But am I the person he is loyal to? Or is it someone else? How do I make sure I am that person? Dem - nothing really to say MADISON - I love her sooooooooo much. She’s like the light of my life honestly and if I find out something different I’m gonna cry. Like I feel like a betrayal from her will hurt the most in this game. Andrew - okay first off......damn. I’m aware of his sexual orientation but boy sent me a photo so I could see his tattoos and DAMN!!! I need me a straight one of him. But he is a fun character I like him. Chris - I think I freaked him out when I sent him a long message about how I’m scared of cops. But I didn’t go up week one so that happened. I’m hoping I can work my way into his good graces later. Emma - seems like a sweet gal. I enjoy her. Kori - nothing to say sorry

[treveesamoe-blog]

august 20th 2018

i got back from hawaii this morning. alot has happeneed since my last entry  and a lot is soon to be happened. in two days exactly because thats when i move into my apartment and start my sophomore year at lmu. i honestly cant remember what it was like to be in college or go to school. i always say and think this but i feel so different now. i feel like im just in the passenger seat of life letting it take me wherever it feels. i feel like there isnt control and ive given up trying to harnass it the way i envision it. im tired. im bleh. i dont allow myself to be sad or mad or happy or anything. id say most of my present is dedicated to anxiety. for a month now on and off ive had this awful wobbly like im on a boat feeling. imm convinced it has something to do with my inner ear. but i also just think its a perfect storm too. i have too much sodium in my diet (my world famous top ramen really did that), i dont eat enough protein or enough in general, im detoxing my body from 2 years of weed abuse plus adderall plus nicotine plus coke. and i was surfing in rough waves and driving to high elevations and back down to sea level and then back up and then down and then through curvy roads on the road to hana. and i start school in a few days and im nervous about what its gonna be this year. at the same time im kinda just like well summer is gonna end and its all gonna be over soon no matter my feelings so why not just let this wave take me wherever. im not sure if this is a healthy mindset. i just wanna live in the present. like in SKAM when isak says “life is now”. life is in this moment that im writing this entry. life is in the now. and im determined to keep myself in the now not floating to the darkest or most nostalgic parts of my past or the fears or expecations of my future. im just gonna enjoy what is around me now. whenever now is. thats my goal.

i picked up my “HEAT” bomber jacket from grandma today and we ended up looking through her moms and grandma’s memory boxes. hard to put into words how meaningful that was. family really is everything. i love my grandma and ive realized she deserves to be protected from my demons, even if i dont always see them that way. see look im actually honest in these entries lol. i have such a rough choice ahead of me telling her and my dad. i just want to enjoy how it is now before i taint it with who i was born to love. i choose my grandma over unhealthy worldy desires. i want to make her proud. and that means not settling, but finding my guy. someone im proud of and that lifts me up. hes out there and i know hes fun and cute and happy and i know hes waiting for me too. i trust the universe will bring me to him when the time is right and the stars align haha. for now im just gonna focus on my health and school. love can come find me. and i know it will not when im waiting for my life to begin but when im running with it. 

in other universe news, i prayed that the universe would put a boy in my life and it HAPPENED lmaoo. honestly doesnt even seem real that it happened but it really did. so this guy chris that i met on tinder (lol i know tinder gross stupid dum whatever but hey, it put him on my radar and im not complaining). anyways he was at the same resort town as me in maui this past week with all his friends! how crazy is that! hes the one guy thats been on my mind for a while now and we both end up in hawaii right next to eachother at the same time?? thats freaky universe stuff right there idc. hes going to lmu next year which im excited about but not too excited lol we know what happened with instagram matt last year when i got too hyped. so im just keeping this one as a friend.he even called it a “perfect start to a magical friendship” lmaooo. ok but the tea is that ive been saying to katherine that i wanna be friends with him at lmu. so at least were on the same page about (even though he beat me to it the little bitch haha). it was fun though hanging out with him. i mean it took me getting caught sneaking out and getting yelled at and having my sister and my mom guard the door at night and curfews but hey i got to spend a few hours with him and it was so easy. hes cute too. not that great of a nose but i actually dont even care. great eyes. and hes funny. i just feel like its always awkward with guys like occidental matt where i can barely stand the awkward tension between us. occidental matt is perfect for me looks wise but when i take that away im annoyed by him haha. he isnt funny (or at least my kind of funny.. which by the way is hilarious like if u dont think im funny then ur stupid sorry) and hes boooorriiingggg. and possesive. and moody. blah blah blah i dont need that in my life. i want someone im excited to see. it sucks though cuz im really just not talking to anyone rn. i realized that i just go from one “online boyfriend” to the next because im nervous to not be talking to someone. but thats so weakkk like thats not how i need to live. im choosing to live my own life and love my own self and take care of my self before searching the fake internent for my soul mate. this years about me. about what i can do without drugs and in good health. im determined, and im ready. hahaha okdramatic im always ending these like this. OH WAIT. scatterbrain alert bitch i didnt even finish what happened with chris and his friends. ok so i met him in the lobby and we hugged. we immediatly started talking wiht no awkwardness. he did stumble on his words though at first. i thought it was cute. then we went upand i said hi to his friends and we made cookies with the oreos in the middle and listened to mama mia (gayyyy) and took fireball shots and i drank BEER LOL. then we took the beers on the beach and i bummed a cigarrete off of some rich drunk white ladies. chris said i was smooth. i felt powerful with him,like my full smooth self. likei was light on my feet or something. then we sat at a bench and the softest orange cat walked over to me from far away and let me pet her. ok dont laugh but i really think that was the universe that sent that cat to remind me thats what brought me to that moment. it was like a hello. i just got the chills thinking about that haha im so dramaticcc. then this blonde drunk girl came up to us and we immediatly connected on a spiritual level. she gave me her purple and white lei and she talked about how she couldnt handle her family anymore,but she loves them. then my mom had to pick me up and i said bye to everyone. i guess she smoked chris and his friends out later that night which is so chill haha if only i still smoked weed. i cant beleive that was my life for more than a year. so weird. stoner trevor what a phaseee.

well thats all i got tonight. this was such a scatterbrained shit post but now at least i dont have to worry about forgetting any of this. goodnight future trevor.

[survivorarabia]

EPISODE 11 “I’m Royally Fucked” - Issy

Issy

Well the 'awogkgogkaka' is not an issue anymore, so that's good Fuck me though, I honestly don't know what to do from here

Ruthie

What is our tribe right now besides freaking HILARIOUS.  Bahah.  Okay,  so Aren left, which is good for my game, I love Aren, but there was NO way I was getting to Final 3 with him, Emmott and Issy.  Since he's left Emmott has been blowing up my messages, pissed but trying to keep his cool and I just find it so hilarious, I can't even.  First there was this, which I of course shared with The Family alliance.   [11/25/16, 9:18:34 PM] emmott young: duuuuuuude [11/25/16, 9:18:43 PM] Ruthie ❤: Sorryyyy :( :( :( [11/25/16, 9:18:59 PM] emmott young: DUUUUUUDE [11/25/16, 9:19:18 PM] Ruthie ❤: SORRYYYY :( [11/25/16, 9:23:09 PM] emmott young: at least it wasnt me! BAHAHAHAH. And then, there is this gem; [11/25/16, 9:29:26 PM] emmott young: its just, the one vote i didnt try lead myself i get foooooooked ahahahah!! [11/25/16, 9:29:29 PM] emmott young: its fun tho [11/25/16, 9:29:42 PM] emmott young: it better not be me then issy tho coz we flipped this entire game for yall TWICE Like, okay, if I'm remembering correctly it was YOU that wanted Shay out, Emmott.  So you came to Alex and I and we went along with it because we SURE didn't want to be the ones to leave.  The second time, I don't even know, was it the Jay vote?  Who knows, who even cares but this is Survivor and it is every person for themselves although I am DEFINITELY looking out for Alex and Nicole and even Lena and Richie.   All this and I'm still talking to Emmott and trying to give him a pep talk and just still, this is the kind of response I get out of him; [11/25/16, 9:36:09 PM] Ruthie ❤: I have noooo idea, try to win individual immunity though. <3 [11/25/16, 9:37:29 PM] emmott young: i dont do immunity ahahahah [11/25/16, 9:37:53 PM] emmott young: fuck it im givin up! i tried playing this game hard for the people who flipped on me, but life aint fair SORRY EMMOTT, I have my own game to play I'm not going to hang around and be your personal cheerleader for the comp. Also, let me rewind for a minute, can we talk about this that was in the tribe chat? [11/25/16, 9:17:57 PM] emmott young: WOAH WHAT HAPPENED [11/25/16, 9:19:19 PM] emmott young: that was psycho what omg [11/25/16, 9:19:37 PM] emmott young: congrats alex and ruthie <3 [11/25/16, 9:19:56 PM] emmott young: the rest of yall.........yeah [11/25/16, 9:20:12 PM] Ruthie ❤: Why am I getting congratulated, I’ve won nothing, rip (u) [11/25/16, 9:20:48 PM] emmott young: ya gonna win! Like, HOW am I going to win?  Why does he group me up there with Alex, not that I mind all because obviously Alex is my Survivor soulmate but WHY.  Is it because we were on the same tribe as him for awhile or am I missing something?  Either way, way to make friends and keep yourself around longer Emmott!  Calling us out like that, yay!  And apparently Richie is salty about people always putting Alex and I as the brains for everything because:   [11/25/16, 9:19:58 PM] Lena McKenzie: I'm amazed at this!! But why is Emmott congratulationg you guys [11/25/16, 9:20:13 PM] Lena McKenzie: Like Alex I understand because he almost got voted out but lol? [11/25/16, 9:20:16 PM] Richie: bc me and you are their puppets and we're handing them the game [11/25/16, 9:20:20 PM] Richie: DUH LENA This backs up the reason that he is going to have to go sooner or later, because when we get to the end he is going to come up with this epic speech and end up winning it over Alex and I.  And don't get me wrong, I would LOVE Richie to win, if Emmott and Issy go next I'll be happy with ANYONE that wins but still, awkward much? Also, to end this on a happy note, can we talk about how much I love Nicole again?  She is my absolute queen lol, I love her so much.   [11/25/16, 9:21:05 PM] nicole gilmore: People are getting mad like I'm actually ever filled in on anything and like my fat ass wasn't eating thanksgiving leftovers all day????? [11/25/16, 9:21:07 PM] nicole gilmore: Okay [11/25/16, 9:21:25 PM] nicole gilmore: Sorry Alex didn't leave way to be transparent Well, until... later, I suppose! <3 

Issy

I've been thinking about this game and I thought I might as well summarise it with a list of mistakes I've made so far, in order of shittiness 1) Making an alliance with my favourite dumb cunts literally-a-12-yo Aren and the totally unpredictable, emotional Emot 2) Allowing those fuckers to vote out Jay 3) Trusting Aren to be able to sort shit out for that last vote 4) Being stupid enough to convince myself (& Emmott) that blindsiding Shay was a great idea 5) Finding the solution to Pandora's box & sending it to literally everyone but ny host chat (and then 3 minutes later, because I decided I needed to fucking check again, someone else got in first) 6) Not taking out Alex or Ruthie when we had the chance 7) Not doing more to save Ci'ere & leaving it to the last minute 8) Not working my arse off to find an idol which would be real fucking useful right about now 9) Inviting Alex into that alliance at the beginning 10) Signing up to play in the first place and not turning down the last minute offer to be in this godforsaken season

Ruthie

At this point in the game I really need to start winning things or I will be viewed as a MEGA floater and I just don't want that to happen.  Tonight's comp is basically luck related though so... yeah, we'll see.  

If Emmott or Issy DID win tonight, I wouldn't be in danger, who ever didn't get immunity out of the two of them would be the one to go home.  I would love for one of them to win, especially Emmott because I love his passion so much, and he makes me laugh.  But I still want The Family to remain solid and that might cause other things to happen. :/ Speaking of The Family though...

Last thing I wanted to cover before finding out the results for tonight... THE JURY!  And seriously, I am sorry for all the noise, I'm not sure what possessed me to make video confessionals in the Cosco parking lot with my little sister and my 2 year old nephew in the car.  

Right now I just feel like they all hate me, I'm not sure if they hate myself or Alex more at this point but whatever happens I still want to go to the end with him! 

Emmott

blind week is a joke coz me and issy are fucked and no one is gonna wanna make moves when they dont know what the fuck is going on

note that

now that im on the bottom im just trying to be OTT shady and lowkey mean so people keep me, even over issy or anyone? because taking someone with a bad attitude further into the game is good for them, so im just trying to seem like a mean person

Alex

Aren's blindside went perfectly, and the fact that he actually had people writing my name down means that it was even justified!  Fantastic!  Nicole's random vote for Issy is weird and mildly concerning, but not too much so. The hosts have asked me to rank the players, so I am going to rank them in order of How Likely I Am To Give My Jury Vote To This Person. 6 – Emmot: This paranoid, flip-floppy motherfuck right here.  Fuck you, dude.  Pick a side.  Don't try and play both.  I can't see a world where I vote for you. 5 – Nicole: Don't get me wrong, being able to mostly count on your vote is great.  But at the end of the day, we haven't talked game.  You've been Ruthie's appendage and that's it. 4 – Lena: If our Family has a weak link, strategically speaking, it's Lena.  I love her, but she's mostly just a vote at this point – a vote who holds an Idol, maybe.  Definitely the fourth wheel, definitely not getting my vote unless I have to. 3 – Issy: I respect her iron will to eliminate me.  I don't respect her complete lack of ability to make it happen, or lack of flexibility.  Survivor is a game of adaptation, and she's banging her head against the brick wall. Richie and Ruthie are obviously the top two, and my vote between them really would depend on how I went out of the game, and how they got themselves to the end.  It would be a tough choice between the for me, and I can't make that call now. Before I get to talking about blind week, I once again want to wax philosophical about the game.  Specifically, I'm sure that a lot of people will be looking at my play in retrospect and saying “dude, what the fuck?”  Because from a purely strategic standpoint, my insistence on keeping the Family intact and, specifically, keeping both Richie and Ruthie in, is strategic suicide.  I'm aware of this. I've said before that I take these games really seriously, and I play with everything I've got.  I genuinely, regardless of what happens, like the people I'm aligned with.  And I want to see them do well, even at my own expense.  So I have a tough choice ahead of me, now, at this moment. Strategically, I should start looking to cut Richie and/or Ruthie soon here, because they kick my ass at the end.  But I don't know if I have a cold enough heart to do it, is the thing.  What I have to settle within myself is: how far will I go to win?  Will I cut them down to do it?  Because I could, I really could.  But will I feel good about it later?  And if I lose even after doing so, will I regret it?  Probably. Also, FUCK BLIND WEEK That's all, just fuck this shit.

Emmott

NICOLE HAS A NERVE

Ruthie

Funny I should send in a post about how solid The Family is then do what I did last night.  I am such an unloyal snakey bitch and I really hate myself this week.  I hate myself a lot.  I remember asking the other day in The Family alliance if our alliance was seen more as 'Heroes' or 'Villains' and I really HOPE I'm not seen as a villain after tonight, although if I am, I hope to be lovingly greeted by the dark side.  Can I get some cupcakes with black and red sprinkles, please? So, the new Takeover was posted and just FUCK.  Literally anyone could be going home this week and in short I panicked.  I suggested to Alex that I talk to Issy and Emmott about bringing back our old chat and talking them into voting Richie out.  I suggested that one of us could vote with them and the other vote with Lena, Richie and Nicole. He was of course down but hesitant and kind of sat back a bit with it, and I really don't blame him.   This is SUCH a bitch move on my part and I'm feeling awful already but I WANT ALEX AND I TO GET TO THE END.  I WANT HIM TO STAY SAFE.   Anyway, we talked this morning and for now I think that The Family and Nicole are going to vote together and that Emmott/Issy are going to vote for Richie, thinking that we are too.  At this rate I'm not going to have any jury votes, RIP ME.  

Alex

Blind Week is so ugly. This is so simple, guys.  Each person has a 1/7 shot at having Immunity, the odds are in our favor if we just pile onto one person. But no, Ruthie has to PANIC and go to Issy and Emmott to get them to vote Richie instead of me, just in case. First of all, that's not gonna work.  They're not buying it. Second of all, they're not buying it. THIRD of all, they are IMMEDIATELY going to run to Richie and tell him what you're doing because that is literally their only course of action!  What the shit!  Their best play is to break us up and you've just created the bullets, loaded the gun and handed it to them!  The fuck do you expect them to do, NOT shoot it? Christ. I am trying to keep things under control, and part of my method is making sure nobody notices that should there be a tie, we go to rocks.  Because let's be real, I'm the most likely to end up in a tie, and then I'd be safe. And if this fails, and I go home for it?  Fine.  Guess who has the moral high ground, kids?! But if I don't go home, my Legacy Advantage will let me see all...and that's useful info.

Issy

Fuck me, this game is just one twist after another! A blind round? I'm already stumbling around lost and confused, there was no need for this & 'there will be no questions this round' What are you doing hosts? I know I talked shit about your weird-ass irrelevant questions but you can't just keep taking them from us like this! Questions are the highlight of my week! Seriously! I'm gonna get voted out next tribal and you aren't even letting me write a passive aggressive tribal answer! 'Aren't' like all I can see is the 'Aren' can we talk about Aren for a second? issy, 11:25 am he was strategic? he had a great social game? i must have missed that completely wow Ruthie ❤, 11:25 am WAIT, so your fight was for real? I keep accidentally throwing him under the bus, I'm just pissed off because being voted out is 102% his own bloody fault. Fawz could have still had a god damn majority if someone didn't think it was a great idea to tell Mr. Paranoid that Jay was out to get him & at this point I'm totally convinced Richie/Ruthie/Alex/Lena are gonna be the final four and I'm going to be a real fucking bitter juror. Anyway, I'm considering my options right now and it's looking like I'm going to have to whore myself out and try and get someone, anyone, to vote with me. I'll vote for Emmott if I think it's gonna keep me in another round but honestly if they want me gone, I'm gone, and that's a real shitty situation to be in. Nicole and Lena seem like the obvious targets because from what I can see, they're on the outs of the group, but I think I'm royally fucked anyway and I've been busy just praying that I somehow nailed that immunity challenge...

Richie

so...... this takeover is ugly..... i was going to try and take out nicole this week but with the uncertainty of not knowing who won immunity and blah blah blah its just not smart so its either issy or emmott tonight... and ive been lying hard core to emmott bc the votes not being revealed so im like being a real fake binch????? theres been so much messiness happening, ruthie threw me under the bus which wasnt fun to find out even if it wasnt necessarily true??? altho it could be true and i could be leaving tonight that would be wild???? also nicole gave me tea which made me trust her again which was nice so im happy i didnt try to vote her out this round i was just being paranoid about her relationship with ruthie which is still concerning but i feel better now as long as theyre telling the truth of course..... honestly idk wtf is going to happen bc with the immunity being a guessing game and not knowing who could have won ANYONE can be going home tonight especially with the no revote straight to rocks... like this is the ugliest round bc theres so little control over whats going to happen and i hate it i really hate it.... i just voted for issy but i would have rather voted for emmott bc ive had a better game history with issy (kinda?) so i would have prefferred to keep her around to try and make a move with later like there was tea she had an idol so she may play it tonight and i was lowkey hoping she would maybe play it at 5 and idol alex  but idk i wanted to vote emmott bc of the fear of her having the idol is strong....... and i havent talked to her..... i should talk to her...... make her feel safer so she doesnt play her hypothetical idol but lbr if you didnt know who had immunity and you heard your name going around youd play that mf idol no matter what..... thats why im scared to vote her UGH this is ugly its literally like picking a target and throwing a dart at it with your eyes closed and i hate it and i hate you goodbye !!!!!!1!!!

[beautifulscreaminglady]

#btw i got out#even though i felt this way#i was undiagnosed and was in a particularly fucked up situation#(it's complicated lol)#i had no money and no way out#no car no license . i still had a curfew at 22 years old#and still. i got out.#you can get out too.#i wasn't allowed to literally do anything after school we were pretty much only allowed 1 hobby#and STILL i got out.#it wasn't bc i was particularly smart or capable or clever. it's that 1. i got lucky & 2.#i knew there had to be The Rest of The World#and I wanted to at least VAGUELY get to the Rest of the World before i gave up trying#sometimes it's the spite that gets u thru it. that sense - fuck u#FUCK YOU ACTUALLY.#im gonna make my own life u stupid bitch. since u seem so convinced i could never REALLY do it.#whenever ppl are like <3 just cut out ur parents <3 im like <3 have u never been poor lol <3#<3 i needed them to sign my loans <3#<3 bestie not every person who is struggling is going to be able to make the grades and hero status to get a free ride.#and guess what baby!! we still deserve to get out and have a good life.

one of the things about having an unstable parent is that it can so easily ruin your future. you want to get out, but getting out takes having agency. it takes the resume and the grades and the stellar community service history.

but you have to choose your battles. you know if you sign up for an after-school activity, it'll be okay for a while, so long as the activity is parent-approved and god-fearing. over time, like all things, it will become an argument (i can't keep carting your ass to these things) or a weapon (talk to me like that again, see if you get to go to practice). sometimes, if you love the thing, it's worth it. but you also know better than to love something: that's how they get you. if you ever actually want something, it will always be the center of their attention. they will never stop threatening you with it. telling you of course i'm a good parent, i came to all of those stupid events.

you learn to balance yourself perfectly. you can either have a social life or you can have hobbies. both of these things will be under constant scrutiny. you spend too much time with her, you should be at home with family is equally paired with you're acting like this because you're addicted to what's on that goddamn screen. you cannot ever actually win, so everything falls within a barter system that you calculate before entering: do you want to learn how to drive? if so, you'll need to give up asking for a new laptop, even though yours died. maybe you can work on a computer at the library. of course, that would mean you'd be allowed to go to the library, which would mean something else has to bleed. nothing ever actually comes free.

and that bitter, horrible irony: you could be literally following their orders and it still isn't pretty. they tell you to get a job; they hate that your job keeps you late and gives you access to actual money. they tell you to do better in school; they say no child of mine needs a tutor. they want you to stop being so morose, don't you know there are people who are really suffering - but they revile the idea you might actually need therapy.

you didn't survive that fall the way other people would. you've seen other people scramble and get their way out, however they could. maybe you were made too-soft: the answer didn't come to you easily. it wasn't quick. it was brutal and nasty. some people even asked you why didn't you just work hard and escape during school? and you felt your head spinning. why didn't you? (they control your financial aid. they control your loan status. they love having that kind of thing). maybe in another life you got diagnosed sooner and got the meds you needed to actually focus and got attention from the right teachers who helped you clear hurdles to get up out of here - but for now? here?

the effort of trying. the effort of not-dying. that kind of effort was absolutely agonizing.

[lunatik28]

Inkskinned own tags: #writeblr

#btw i got out

#even though i felt this way

#i was undiagnosed and was in a particularly fucked up situation

#(it's complicated lol)

#i had no money and no way out

#no car no license . i still had a curfew at 22 years old

#and still. i got out.

#you can get out too.

#i wasn't allowed to literally do anything after school we were pretty much only allowed 1 hobby

#and STILL i got out.

#it wasn't bc i was particularly smart or capable or clever. it's that 1. i got lucky & 2.

#i knew there had to be The Rest of The World

#and I wanted to at least VAGUELY get to the Rest of the World before i gave up trying

#sometimes it's the spite that gets u thru it. that sense - fuck u

#FUCK YOU ACTUALLY.

#im gonna make my own life u stupid bitch. since u seem so convinced i could never REALLY do it.

#whenever ppl are like <3 just cut out ur parents <3 im like <3 have u never been poor lol <3

#<3 i needed them to sign my loans <3

#<3 bestie not every person who is struggling is going to be able to make the grades and hero status to get a free ride.

#and guess what baby!! we still deserve to get out and have a good life.

I did have that hero status. Distracting myself from the pain by working really hard at school and at a job helped me.

And it still took me 8 more years (after 18. after I got out) to cut my father out of my life. And a few more to cut my mother out. And I still feel bad sometimes. I still need therapy.

Even if you achieve hero status and work and find a good partner (I was very lucky! many end up repeating the pattern!) and manage to have your own home etc etc

even then

it’s hard to unlearn all of the shit. It feels like my head is still back there. I have to ask my partner often is he’s angry at me. I’m still scared of SO many things.

I had 30 awful years due to my parents.

But I also feel hopeful for my future. Because it does get better. Not just all at once, but every day, it gets a little bit better. You get a home and a job and therapy and every day one more cell in your body relaxes.

one of the things about having an unstable parent is that it can so easily ruin your future. you want to get out, but getting out takes having agency. it takes the resume and the grades and the stellar community service history.

but you have to choose your battles. you know if you sign up for an after-school activity, it'll be okay for a while, so long as the activity is parent-approved and god-fearing. over time, like all things, it will become an argument (i can't keep carting your ass to these things) or a weapon (talk to me like that again, see if you get to go to practice). sometimes, if you love the thing, it's worth it. but you also know better than to love something: that's how they get you. if you ever actually want something, it will always be the center of their attention. they will never stop threatening you with it. telling you of course i'm a good parent, i came to all of those stupid events.

you learn to balance yourself perfectly. you can either have a social life or you can have hobbies. both of these things will be under constant scrutiny. you spend too much time with her, you should be at home with family is equally paired with you're acting like this because you're addicted to what's on that goddamn screen. you cannot ever actually win, so everything falls within a barter system that you calculate before entering: do you want to learn how to drive? if so, you'll need to give up asking for a new laptop, even though yours died. maybe you can work on a computer at the library. of course, that would mean you'd be allowed to go to the library, which would mean something else has to bleed. nothing ever actually comes free.

and that bitter, horrible irony: you could be literally following their orders and it still isn't pretty. they tell you to get a job; they hate that your job keeps you late and gives you access to actual money. they tell you to do better in school; they say no child of mine needs a tutor. they want you to stop being so morose, don't you know there are people who are really suffering - but they revile the idea you might actually need therapy.

you didn't survive that fall the way other people would. you've seen other people scramble and get their way out, however they could. maybe you were made too-soft: the answer didn't come to you easily. it wasn't quick. it was brutal and nasty. some people even asked you why didn't you just work hard and escape during school? and you felt your head spinning. why didn't you? (they control your financial aid. they control your loan status. they love having that kind of thing). maybe in another life you got diagnosed sooner and got the meds you needed to actually focus and got attention from the right teachers who helped you clear hurdles to get up out of here - but for now? here?

the effort of trying. the effort of not-dying. that kind of effort was absolutely agonizing.