#sometimes i rly just wonder what if im just fucking annoying

[lo-cinno]

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[nomairuins]

i unlocked a new voice earlier btw but i cant do it that much bc it requires me to be nervously laughing and breathing very heavily and it had me gasping for breath for like 30 minutes

[kasaneteto]

obviously been in my posting era for the past few months & ive been thinking about that and what it means for me so some thoughts on that

posting as much as i have been was sparked by having to end my most recent relationship due to the realization that we were codependent & it was making it hard for us to function effectively. finn was always my guy to ramble at but there would always be times that they didnt have anything to say in response so they would just be like “okay” and i would feel so annoying :( they were never annoyed (well not usually i cant say they were NEVER annoyed by me) but my mind always catastrophizes social interactions that leave me feeling self-conscious to mean “oh they hate you”

anyways. for a while i was kind of worried that my codependency habit has graduated from finn -> posting & while im not sure that ISNT the case… i do think the posting has been good for me. ive been journaling for a couple years now but it doesn’t help me in the same way as posting stuff like this. its harder to process thoughts when im just talking to myself vs writing something out thats meant to be for someone else to read. writing with the intent of it being for someone to see helps me process things so much easier, and that doesn’t really work when im writing it in a place nobody can see it. when i was a kid i would post deviantart journals in the same way. of course back then i was a neglected child who was just looking for validation in any form & where i got it most was the internet.

i think its the fact that ive been doing it ever since i was a kid that made me feel like making posts like these were juvenile in nature and something i should move on from. but since making an effort to be more true to myself & not let embarrassment or the fear of being judged get to me, ive found that i have the strong urge to make posts and that it brings me joy when i do! it really has helped me have a clearer understanding of the way i think/feel. plus tumblr rly does kinda feel like a home website. it helps that it hasn’t changed much and a lot of the userbase i was around in its heyday are still here. it feels like a comfortable place to scream into the void where im not worried about who’s potentially seeing this shit. & thats another thing - it has helped me feel less annoying in general!

im so used to feeling like my presence is inherently bothersome and that any self-assertion is going to make people wish i wasn’t there. this feeling extrnds to posting anywhere. but thats so fucking stupid!!!! if people dont like me or are that annoyed by me they dont have to fuckin look!!!!!! just unfollow me idfc!!!!! i feel good about the level of clarity i have in my life rn and posting long rambling introspective shit like this has been doing wonders in helping me keep myself grounded. so i will continue to do so. i will say though i sometimes wonder who all is reading this shit lmao. watch there be someone out there who’s just obsessed with my ass waiting on baited breath for my next post. if thats the case then get well soon bitch….im probably too unhinged for you to handle 💅

[intergalactic-chameleon]

thinking abt gender again bc when am i not

at school -amongst certain peers- i am now understood as being transgender. theyre just kinda like “yea you’re not cis/a woman” and it feels pretty fucking nice. like im finally being given the option to be more authentically me just by virtue of other ppl clueing into how i express myself. and im very into it… like yea, i am transgender. pretty literally. cool

but it’s also a bit strange bc im not super vocal abt specifically identifying as trans or genderqueer. and like, i allow myself to be gendered as a woman if that’s what someone chooses to do. bc i dont rly care nor does it fully feel like im being misgendered. i can be a woman if i need to or want to be. im also cool with my boyfriend calling me his girlfriend. so it kinda feels like i live a double life in some ways.

most ppl immediately identify me as a woman and dont question that decision after doing so, and i work with that. it doesnt make me feel particularly uncomfortable to be addressed as miss or ma’am etc, and i still relate a lot to women/womanhood. and not that being feminine is inherent to being a woman, but i still sometimes miss having long hair and no hair on my face, and also feeling the urge to adorn myself in flowy clothing and pretty jewelry.

and honestly, thats probably because it’s easier for me to feel ‘pretty’ when trying to match that ideal, but also it was a fun creative outlet. putting together a beautiful feminine outfit was really fun! and i have so many items of pretty jewelry and clothing that i still really love and dont want to give away yet. i dont want to pretend like i suddenly am no longer feminine just bc i choose to look more masculine these days.

and look, i can definitely still “femme it up” if i want to, but i think im now going to save that for special occasions. masculine formal wear doesnt rly do anything for me, so i’d much rather wear a pretty necklace and maybe shave my face for a special event instead of trying to find a suit that fits me lol. i digress. i just want to have it all, but it’s difficult to do that. esp since i dont do drag or anything like that lol. (too bad i never got into theater hahaha)

regardless, the most annoying thing abt all of this gender stuff tho is that cis ppl just dont fundamentally understand what im doing lol. my primary care doctor mentioned my mustache at my last physical a few months ago because he was wondering if it bothered me at all… insinuating that if im a Female, i inherently would probably be uncomfortable having facial hair (which NATURALLY grows on me, mind you). ik it can potentially be a sign of a hormonal disorder, and most Women do in fact hate having facial hair, but it’s just like, dude, you dont know me like that. my ratstache and patchy chin hair makes me feel GOOD. no further questions at this time — or ever, please. thanks.

[romantichopelessly]

me: *opens up about feeling incredibly insecure about how people don’t listen to me*

them: *ignores what I’m saying*

me: 🙂

[matoitech]

thjinking sbt that fucking incredible like promare oc fic where the girl that lio got with instead of galo just was either standing there hanging out w aina the whole time and having a way better time w her while galo and lio did everything they did in the movie anyway or she was just somehow involved or standing there w galo and lio  to the point where even IT WAS STILL GALO WHO KISSED LIO? LIKE SHE DIDNT REPLACE GALO EVEN THO THAT WOULDVE MADE FAR MORE SENSE NARRATIVELY SHE JUST LIKE, STOOD THERE FOR EVERYTHING? EVEN FOR THE GAY KISSING? AND EVEN WHEN GALO AND LIO FUCKED OFF IN THE MECH TO SAVE THE DAY LIKE SHE WAS JUST LIKE OH I CANT HELP IM GONNA HANG OUT W AINA U BOYS HAVE FUN. like galo and lio went thru their entire romance and the only difference from the movie was they had a third wheel sometimes and lio got pov lines thrown in abt vaguely thinking galo was annoying and the other girl was so much hotter or something like 1 time so the reader could try to convince themself that lio SHOULD b w this girl, but it was VERY halfhearted like even the author wasnt so sure. even when galo and lio kissed and the way he was touching or holding lio and stuff the girl ocs pov was just focusing on how intimate it was and how it was uncomfortable for her to be there bcuz she felt like she was intruding on someone elses like private romantic moment and she didnt want to be there for it and i was like ?!? i rly seriusly started wondering if the author was going to like pull a PSYCH! I WAS SELF AWARE THIS WHOLE TIME! at the end and just put the girl w aina whle galo and lio got together as in canon but like she still married lio at the end cuz shes a girl and hes a boy can it get any more obvious etc but she wasnt that excited abt it. anyway what a fucking unintentional lgbt experience it was insane. one of the funniest parts was that galo kept trying 2 b nice to her and include her in everything when he was hanging out doing everything w lio and she was kind of vaguely third wheeling and she kept being mean 2 him for no reason bcuz it felt like galo was trying to b like im interested in lio but so is this girl and he seems interested in both of us so maybe we can just both date him :] and then the being chill backfired on him massively when lio was like i know i went thru the entire movie events w u galo but this random girl that was following us around and was not the one to kiss me back to life and punch the planet in a mech w me is the one i love. im sure youll b fine tho. have fun

[frogboyandzombieface]

okay tough guy, you think you can get me every time? bet. 1-30 for the asks <33 >:3

YOOOUUU!!!!! BENNIEEEE 😭😭😭😭💖💘💕💞💘💓💘💞💕💘🥰i love u so much i aDORE you 

1. what song makes you feel better?

hmmm uhh probably lemon demon songs cuz like they are so fun and nonsensical and it sorta startles me into feeling happier JHKFDJKHF like mask of my own face i LOVE IT. or deep swim by windows 96 its a very chill song good to help come down from dissociation or panic attacks

2. what’s your feel-good movie?

coraline all the way LMAO i just love it. or tbh the IT movies cuz i just love the little kids!!!!

3. what’s your favourite candle scent?

IDK i love like nearly all the scents theyre so good but ujhmm uuhhh pears 😳😳i actually do adore french pears, i have a lot of stuff to make candles and every time i make candles i cant resist using french pear as a scent lolol

4. what flower would you like to be given?

as i told u before i Luv bottlebrushes and waratahs like 😳😳omfg but i actually do love lilies too or crane flowers !! they look like birds !! i fucking love crane flowers fhjjhfjkhfg

5. who do you feel most you around?

you <3333 BUT for ppl irl definitely my best friend who ive known since i was a baby and my cousin we’ve been a trio for ages i love em fjhkgjkhg theyre the only friends that ever stuck with me lol. anywWAYS ima stop myself from oversharing lol

6. say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical).

GAH u sneaky little bugger... okay i will try

1. i rly like my eyes hfdjhkfdjkh

2. i actually dont mind my legs that much i like em! 

3. i rly like my eyebrows fjhkgfhjgf

4. uuuhh i like my puzzle skills (like puzzle games and jigsaws etc) 

5. fuck the non physical is so hard uh,MM?? its scaring me that its so hard lol but i like the way im willing to make friends with all different ppl

6. i like my passion for plants and animals ig hfhhg

7. what colour brings you peace?

GREEEN !!!!1 i fucking LO V  E green at the moment like my favs change sometimes for colours but i love green its such a nice calming colour and plants are green so :))))

8. tag someone (or multiple people) who make you feel good.

OHHH i wonder WHO to tag wow this is SO hard i have absolutely no idea who to tag for this................................................  @cinnachee (duh) BUT ALSO !!! @yearning-and-arson @autistic-ace-bee @lifewasawillowtv @zombiewheeler @iinkycat and literally ALL my mutuals and followers ily all <33333

9. what calms you down?

ummm music, podcasts, having a fan running (usually in summer tho) someone telling me a random story for distraction, playing maybe a game of sudoku (i luv sudoku i actually play it a lot) i guess are some things fjkhgkjhg

10. what’s something you’re excited for?

UHH my work is opening up a new store closer to my house that im gonna be working at in april and im excited !! because the new people who own the one im currently working at are FUCKED they keep fucking everyone over with shifts and they are such tightasses we have like mice upstairs and downstairs and water flooding from air conditioners and other shit but im not gonna go on a rant about my work lol.. already annoy the shit out of my friends enough with it HAHA BUT IM excited to get out of this shithole and go to the better one !!! AND OF COURSE SEASON 4 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BYLER !!!!!!!!!!!!! MAY 27TH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

11. what’s your ideal date?

LITERALLY ANYTHING except like a fancy restaurant i dont like that shit... i want fun stuff yknow or just where we CAN have fun yknow? like we could straight up just go to a 7-11 and get a slurpee but as long as we have fun while doing it and get to spend time together then i think its a good date :)) like thats what i think it should be abt like spending quality time wirh ur partner (though i wont say no to like dessert dates like going to get ice cream or crepes etc .... i love the idea of dessert dates :’) ) 

12. how are you?

umm idk i could be better lol. on my period so i feel like shit and i also got my booster shot so i feel doubly shit lol and i havent done a single bit of drawing or writing today its just... ug h. like i really want to but every time i opened it up to try my brain said NO lie down on the couch and just do nothing productive... fucking  khjjkhjkhhjkfghjkfghjk but hopefully ill feel better tmrw 

13. what’s your comfort food?

ASIAN FOOD FJHFGJK like omg rice paper rolls or japanese food or like beef and blackbean noodles... literally God. though a nice good bowl of curry too GOD i love curry but alsO CHOCOLATE AAA esp like a nice choccy cake... BUT ALSO I LOVE FRIED RICE DISHES ??? or PAELLA? is also comfort.. im just as bad as choosing a fav food as u bennie HJKFDSKJHFDKSJ 

14. favourite feel-good show?

stranger thinGSSSS OF COURSE FJKHFJHK i watch it daily.. but also the office is nice too :)) i actually realised recently tho i dont watch tv shows all tHat much?? i watch more movies than shows,, like i can think of maybe 5 tv shows ive ever watched LMAO idk why ive never really watched many tv shows..

15. for every emoji you get, tag someone and describe them in one word.

???? i literally dont understand this.. for every emoji i ‘get?” like every emoji i have in my recent or are ppl sposed to send me emojis ?? or do i choose one for someone? i dont understand this im sorry bennie my brain has never been smaller...

16. compliment the person who sent you this number.

YOU ARE PERFECT AND SPECIAL AND AMAZING IN EVERY FUCKING WAY !!!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH !!!!! I LOVE YOUR MUSIC YOUR WRITING YOUR FACE YOUR GLASSES YOUR HAIR YOUR FASHION SENSE YOUR SMILE YOUR EYES YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR YOUR - i am stopping myself before this becomes an I Love Bennie essay

17. fairy lights or LED lights?

hmmm LED lights i think r my style im Edgier but fairy lights fuck tooooo!!!!

18. do you still love stuffed animals?

YEAH DUH???@?? who DOESNT? stuffed animals are so amazing and cute ands they slap sm... i still have nearly all my stuffed toys from when i was a kid i treasure them

19. most important thing in your life?

ummm i dont really know?? like.. i guess having a good time yknow? like doing what i love and spending quality time with friends and fam when i can but also spending quality time with myself too, and not letting other peoples opinions influence that unless i want it as well.. i guess love is at the core of it lol . and that means all types of love, platonic and familial and self love as well as romantic because they are just as important !! though you dont have to love your blood family if they dont treat you good found families are just as valid !! 

20. what do you want most in the world right now?

to see u 😭😭💞💖💗💝💕💓 KJDHFHJK but also to like. be normal i guess like no mental illness cuz it would mean SO many things in life would be so much easier but ik thats a futile dream so like !! yeah BUT LIKE BENNIE U HAVE NO IDEA HOW BADLY I WANNA MEET U KFHJKFGKH LIKE HOLY SDHIT I GENUINELY LIKE WANNA SAVE UP FOR PLANE TICKIES TO CANADA FHJKGFJLG 

21. if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

umm enjoy life as much as you can i guess .. enjoy your youth even if your childhood was fucked up by that thing , dont let it stop you from being a kid still. and also you are going to become emo . ended on a lighthearted note lol 

22. what would you say to your future self?

idk honestly i just hope shit is going well for you and got to do what you wanted, or at least youre happy lol 

23. favourite piece of clothing?

my chokers !!! i love them !!! but ALSO i have these fishnets with butterfly patterns on one side of the leg and ITS AH FDJKHFDKGJHGKHJD I LOVE IT its so pretty :’) 

24. what’s something you do to de-stress?

420 blaze it 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤪🤪🤪🥴😵🤯😩😧😩😨😨😞😱🤕but also playing this game called unpacking is sos sosososo good i love it , and listening to music in the dark too is nice 

25. what’s the best personal gift someone could give you (playlist, homemade card, etc.)

ANYTHING !!!!!! LITERALLY ANYTHING PPL M A D E FOR ME OR GOT FOR ME WITH ME IN MIND/z??234uiorudsfhjkdfjk LITERALLY FUCKING AMAZING FDJEJGHKKJHJKH HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA like PL E A S !!!!!!! just anything l;ike that and i am MELTING 

26. what movie would you want to live in?

uummm honestly beetlejuice. its so fun you get to haunt ppl when you die and its so fun and whimsical and id probably just start crazy shit and be Chaotic

27. which character would you want to be?

is this one related to the previous question? cuz if so BEETLEJUICE DUH FJGJHK you can do all this weird ass shit and you live in a coffin HELL YEAH 

28. hugs or hand-holding?

UM im not deciding thanks both of them 

29. morning, afternoon or night?

NIGHT BABBYYYY always nighttime im a nocturnal little shit

30. what reminds you of home (doesn’t have to mean house… just things that remind you of the feeling of home)?

you honestly cuz like i wake up to ur msgs a lot or come home from work to em like i look forward to it so much throughout the day <333 BUT also like .. listening to kurtis conner’s podcast too definitely and homemade mugs and stuff you see in shop windows and getting like eggs and bacon etc on toast at a cafe too.. definitely some things that feel like home <3 BUT also the beatles too.. listening to their music just like unlocks some deep part of my soul hjfhjkjhkG ive been missing them lately but i do nOT want to go back to the fandom atm..

[cuntess-carmilla]

i'm not asking you to diagnose me and neither do i want to be annoying, so feel free to ignore this ! but im the nausea anon from a little bit ago and i'm really thinking about the chronic fatigue thing and i'm wondering if my experiences count. like yesterday i went out for 4 hours to a petting farm. i managed to stay up for 3 more hours after arriving home but i feel like every time i go out for an extended amount of time, i get kind of feverish and chilly, and really really tired. and like cognitive issues, i have hard time recalling memories or information and replying to text messages and shit gets rly hard bc its like.. difficult for me to comprehend the text i read, and my replies get very scripted and might be a little bit "off" because theyre like, an appropriate response to a general statement (ie. someone telling me about plans they have), but a little inappropriate or nonsensical to the context? like someone telling they have to modify their routine to accommodate MI issues and me being like "sounds good !" when thats like, tonally inappropriate to be the response. if that makes sense. it varies a bit, yesterday was fairly mild, i accidentally fell asleep and when i woke up i was recovered enough to take my dog out and get myself some food, but other times i get so tired i cant even think and i just spend the rest of the day in bed and need a few days to bounce back. sorry if this is a little rambly but i have a bit of a hard time to consider what the whole "you cant rest away the fatigue" means in practise because i feel like im always tired and have to manage my energy reserves for shit that i gotta prioritize, but then also remaining inactive and resting up sometimes lets me gather enough energy/willpower to do shit i CANNOT skip, like walking my dog. ive got diagnosed depression and ive cried to my therapist bc sometimes i REALLY want to do stuff like spend time with my friends but im just so tired and my brain wont work that i really cant engage with them the way i want to

Babe, that's definitely text book chronic fatigue. Chronic fatigue can be persistent, or it can be on and off. It can be better during some portions of the year and worse in others if our root condition is affected by our environment.

Sometimes we're abnormally recharged even if we're not at 100%, but from personal experience I can tell you that when you're used to 7%, getting a 40% day feels like being at 110%.

The thing about depression is that the reason depressed people waste away is that they have no motivation to do anything. They get no enjoyment, it's not emotionally worth it. There's no point. And that's a real serious problem, never something to be brushed off, or the depressed person's fault or moral failure.

But you CLEARLY have lots of motivation to do more, or else you wouldn't cry to your therapist for being deprived of those things you want to do so badly. It's just that your body physically can't do it no matter how badly you do want it. It's unfair, it feels like you were cheated out of your life by your own body.

In summary, I think, you have chronic fatigue. Maybe you're depressed too on top of that because who the fuck wouldn't be depressed in that situation, but if you are depressed, it'd be because you're chronically fatigued, not the other way around.

[daggery]

Can I ask for Carlos De VIl, for that character ask?

send me a character and i’ll answer with the below!

also for @hersilentlanguage​ <3

first impression: it was something like, good dancer, funny scenes, i could already tell that he’s the character who fandom tends to be all “aww he’s my pure soft cinnamon roll :((” about and i was right. MISCHIEVOUS. and again FUNNY although to be fair the entirety of d1 is hilarious. good aesthetic and color scheme

impression now: like the rest of the rotten four he grew a looooot on me (i’ve probably mentioned this before but the sea three were actually my instantly-fall-in-love characters for descendants so even though i mostly talk abt the core four now i still have a big soft spot for sea3.) back to carlos I LOVE HIM DEARLY he’s caring and blunt and determined and judgmental and soft and smart and uncertain and mean and funny he’s so funny. i love that he’s into stem and i love that he loves dogs and i love that he loves chocolate and think he deserves THE WORLD even though he probably wouldn’t really want it he’d just want to be at home poking at his latest contraption gadget building project he’s working on so instead i will simply think about jay or mal or evie giving him little metal parts or jewelry or handmade clothing or kisses bc i love him and them

favorite moment: to list just a few: the part when he plops down on the lawn and is like come on!! sit down!! sit Dooown. and then immediately goes :I ok now what. WHATEVER was going on in ways to be wicked i’ve said this before but i support everything and anything that wtbw!carlos does. his entire thing there was just. off the charts insane amazing incredible. d1 museum scene “you’re welcome 🙄” and NUMBER ONE FAVORITE MOMENTS are his judgment faces. holy shit.

idea for a story: he builds a booby trap for the gang’s hideout while everybody is out, but he doesn’t tell the others because this is just another one of his many new side projects. cue one of the core four coming home earlier than expected and obliviously walking straight into the partly-finished booby trap and setting it off and probably having a near-death experience, however the trap does not work as expected because carlos had messed up a little. the person who nearly died is like WTF (not because it was a near death experience bc there are plenty of those to go around on the isle, wtf because the hideout is supposed to be a safe spot so this is totally unexpected). carlos is like omfg you almost died that was NOT supposed to happen im sorry and also a omg thanks for walking into the trap!!! that was rly helpful, now i know where there’s a problem in it so i can fix it! and there’s a in-hindsight LMAOOOO did you see the LOOK ON YOUR FACEEEEEE element to it. whats the point of writing a carlos fic where he isnt at least a little mean.. at least a little taste of it

unpopular opinion: carlos is a nerd but he doesn’t follow rules when he doesn’t care for them and the pros of breaking the rules outweighs the cons, meaning he doesn’t do his homework when he thinks it’s stupid and a useless waste of his time because he’ll rather work on his own actually useful projects. *insert [carlos never does his homework in one class because the teacher only assigns busywork but then he turned in his 100% correct extra credit assignment because the teacher had actually made the extra credit difficult and interesting] situation*. also he’s not an all-rounder the way evie is.. he doesn’t have much lasting interest in like. the humanities.

also carlos is equal parts soft and mean! i stand by this! sometimes i feel like interpretations of him lean too much one way or another but he is both! just because his arc is about overcoming his fears doesnt mean he’s not mean himself and just because he’s a vk and not an ak doesn’t mean that he can’t be soft. (also the way he treats chad vs the way he treats jane in scenes that are literally back to back in d2 is objectively hilarious it KILLS me. wonderful stuff)

favorite relationship: rotten four!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY LOVE EACH OTHER!!!!!!

favorite a headcanon: he held his own on the isle. he joined the rotten four for protection but it’s not really something he desperately needed (although maybe somebody could write a scenario where the situation dramatically changed and he needed to find allies suddenly). of course he’s safer with them because safety in numbers and all but i don’t care for interpretations where it’s like he’s so Innocent and Naive where he needs people to protect him. he joined because he wanted to. also he was the third one to join the gang!! in my head for most scenarios it’s mal and jay together first, and evie and carlos as friends, and then jay and carlos get close so carlos joins them, and evie joins last. collects books on the isle. he finds a book and evie finds a book and then they get together and play rock paper scissors and the winner gets to pick which book they want to read first. and then a week later they swap books. sometimes instead of playing rock paper scissors, they have a contest to see who can steal the most shit off mal before she notices or something like that. once jay convinced evie to let him stand in for her because he just wanted another excuse to wrestle with carlos and evie was like aw you’re adorable<3okay and carlos was like no???what a waste of time??i want my fucking book??? but evie's already left and jay's doing the *points two fingers at his own eyes and then points them at carlos and then back and forth and so on because I'm Looking At You* gesture because he knows it annoys carlos. so carlos’s like fucking fine. FINE. (carlos wins.) if carvie find a history book saying dumb things about the vks or something they tear the offending pages out and ball them up and throw them mal’s and jay’s heads for fun.

[orbees]

personal but not necessarily negative :0 also not about anybody ofc! unreality kinda? idk talking about Perceptions... and The Usual. self-image stuff

........

...

.

after therapy (and rly the past 234234 years) ive been thinking about how like... idk like i’d generally say ive learned to read people pretty well. but the very moment i have a personal relationship to the person in question all that goes out the window... mostly because of my Massive Epic Neverending insecurity issues. its kinda like... theres two halves of me, and theres that part that just Dislikes Alyxander, that has been there for as long as i can remember, that tries to twist and distort everything that i see and use it as proof that im unlikable.

 and then theres Me, the Real Alyxander, who, at this point, finds this incredibly fucking annoying because i know its not true in any shape, form, or fashion. and like. i know im likable. this is a fact, that is easily supported by a large amount of evidence. im funny, creative, smart, endearing, cute, passionate, and much much more. i have flaws, sure! hell my massive insecurity issues is one massive major flaw. but the good in me largely outweighs that, and i know this to be true, and i believe it to be true.

and yet. for some reason. the part of my brain that controls my emotional reactions + perceptions is Controlled by the insecurity brain. and this is even after i am fully aware that i am incredibly likable person!!! and its just so frustrating because :( i spend half the time feeling like i cant even trust what my brain is telling me because of how insecurity brain twists and distorts information

its something that i am working on big time, like slowly, surely, i am learning to love myself, and my insecurity brain is slowly, surely, losing control. but in the mean time i just sometimes feel like... i have no way of telling how people actually feel about me. its like this endless tug-o-war in my brain where one half of me is like “no one likes you!!!!” and the other one is like “that is so not true, theres so many people who do, and even if someone doesnt, that doesnt reflect on my worth as a person!!!” which the latter is true, but in tihs back and forth that rages forever in my brain dome, i feel miss out on vital cues that clue me in what others are thinking and feeling... and im left wondering... what is actually the truth???

i havent found a way around this yet, and im hoping it comes to me in time as i keep Working on Myself, but for now, when insecurity brain comes to me w/ some bullshit, ive been in the habit of trying to interpret everything in a manner which is both generous to myself and others. and sometimes that Is wrong, but ill trust the ones i love to correct me (ofc keeping an eye out myself too. its a process!)

ill get there one day, im sure of it

[cloverebi]

alrighty here are my thoughts + opinions on before the dawn. i’m writing this now and scheduling it to post the day it comes out since my copy inexplicably arrived a week early lmao.

-starting out with a negative i feel like it was a major missed opportunity to not confirm explicitly scarlet as gay :/ it’s not a secret rwby has zero mlm rep and i thought FOR SURE that they’d take the opportunity to confirm scarlet as gay here in a mainline entry to the series considering that it’s implied (if not confirmed lol) in the manga which. yknow. not many people read. i was pretty confident they would but. welp. i WILL acknowledge that they did point out that him and nolan (who i rly liked) seem to be ...friends (TO PUT IT MILDLY)  + and if there will be a third book (which it seems there might be) i wouldn’t be surprised if they make them a couple. but after the fg thing i’m not really willing to give them the benefit of the doubt in these scenarios.

(i went back after writing this post and i actually missed scarlet calling nolan a “pretty boy” in his head which is pretty gay but once again im not giving them any credit until it’s as explicit as coco being a lesbian is tbh)

-speaking of missed opportunities. i’m sad sage didn’t get more development :( like yeah he got a few lines which is more than he got in the show but he was really just. there. considering it seemed like team SSSN would get more screentime in this book it’s dissapointing that it seems he’s doomed to be a side character forever.

-this is so small and it’s kinda dumb but i feel like it’s weird how they mention that _SSN was at haven academy while sun was in menagarie? like it’s no surprise that V5 is kinda messy on a lot of fronts but i just wonder why we never saw them there if that was the case... we see neptune at the train station in v6e1 so he (+ presumably his team) was around i guess... idk. feels weird. maybe someone with an encyclopedic knowledge of the rwby timeline can confirm its been that way all along but whatever

nvm! it checks out. forget i said anything.

-THERE REALLY NEEDS TO BE A GLOSSERY OF PEOPLE!! holy shit they name drop a ton of people who were like.. background characters at the vytal tournament never named in the show and it’s just like... i remember some of these people but there should absolutely be some kind of list of who some of these people are... especially the NDGO girls who just. i don’t remember any of their appearances :/ i feel like someone who’s not a very invested fan would be super confused cuz... i am and i STILL was

the first two were what i disliked the most, but i feel like there were positives too

-i liked nolan!! somebody losing their entire team isn’t rly something that’s been explored in rwby (other than kinda with team STRQ) + it’s pretty dark to think that he lost like... his three closest friends in the world. rwby as a whole gets dark sometimes but i think this really stands out you think about it. it reminds me of the scene in after the fall where CFVY fails to save the people from the grimm in the cave (?) because it’s a moment where you gotta just think “wow the world of rwby is super fucked up sometimes”. (it is annoying how they chose the one white character on BRNZ to be the one who survived... like another thing that rwby does not have a lot of is characters of color and... they chose the one white guy on the team to be the only relevant character... -_-)

-i really like how the beacon refugees have a little support group in shade ;-; + i really liked sun’s conflict with them about how their meetings separate them from the native shade students in a bad way. i thought that was a good scene

-i like how sun’s team doesn’t accept his decision to leave them after beacon! i really liked his conflicts with scarlet. i’m glad they made up in the end too. i just wish we saw more of it (especially when sun + neptune hugged... i ship it bitch!!)

-the crown was really interesting... like i was convinced that it was gonna turn out that salem was bertilak + carmine’s employer, and that CFVYSSSN were gonna realize something like “oh shit this is way bigger than we first thought” and then we’d pick up with that when rwby + gang show up in vacuo. i kinda feel a little underwhelmed? not saying they were defeated too easily i just now wonder... what would a third book possibly be? considering it feels like they set up for one w/ bertilak running away to get his revenge on carmine for... using him as an aura battery (that was super fucked up what jax and gill were doing... lmao)

overall i liked it minus its issues! i think after the fall was a little better but i still enjoyed this one. 

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´��real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[potahun]

Sha Hai / Tomb of the Sea watch

Time to vomit final feelings.

Final line-up of the top 10 characters i liked

1. Luo Que and Kan Jian (GOOD kids. GOOD souls. Love them. Flawless. I mean, Luo Que and his ridiculous commitment to aesthetics? Kan Jian and the brainless beef? Kan Jian took over Zhang Fu Guan’s LJM legacy as the simpleton with fighting spirit. He’s basically the definition of a himbo. Also, their respective weapons?? A fishing rod and a slingshot, seriously??? Im counting those two as a unit now. I hope Kan Jian gets to tell more jokes to Luo Que in Sichuan dialect. (Their Chinese cp name is sometimes ‘Brainless x Grumpy’ I believe, and I appreciate that))

2. Yang Hao/Hao Ge (a good bro. Good heart.He was not always treated right and i wish theyd elaborated more on him at the end, but whenever he was there he was a good kid - especially the beginning. Honestly his misgivings about everything were so right and he deserved better)

3. Liang Wan (shes good. Shes smart. Shes shamelessly horny I WISH the scriptwriter had treated her better like fuck it stop making her weak at your convenience. at the end she did stupid things but mostly because the scriptwriters/director used her as a plot device to make the male characters into heroes and I HATED THAT with a passion SHE DESERVED BETTER) Also kind of hated how they made all her motivations be about Zhang Fu Guan because COME ON we get it’s a romance can you please let her be her own character pls pls pls. I have a lot of complaints about how they treated Liang Wan but I liked her a lot as a character

4. Huo Dao Fu (this dude and his contradictions came in after halfway in the show but still left such an IMPRESSION PFFFFT. Mr I only care about myself but then genuinely cares for Yang Hao’s safety and state of mind. Also Mr cant talk without slurring words. Hes a Huo but mingles with the Chen. What a bastard)

6. Black glasses. (initially found the way he talked rly annoying, but eventually grew on me. Lots of amusing character quirks and when hes there the group is immediately funnier and better. The master disciple thing with Su Wan was fun while it lasted)

7. Su Wan. Good kid. Mostly a good kid. “Do you know why i packed a saxophone to the desert? To save you guys!” I can’t believe. Also cant believe thats the same actor as Xue Yang in mdzs i initially got whiplash but got over it

8. Su Nan (i didnt watch the beginning of the show but thought she was badass and i rly felt like she deserved better at the end. Really hated the way they used her too. the way this show treated female characters is shit)

9. Wang Pang Zi (what a likeable dude overall)

10. Fo Ye. I mean, hey honestly they talked about him so fucking often he might as well have been there

--

Lowest bit in the whole series: The whole period with Li Cu, Shen Qiong and the Wang family at the end. God I could not for the life of me find Li Cu likeable so I could not care for his struggles at ALL despite him being the main character, I just literally could not give a fuck (and it’s such a shame because in his first trip down to the Gu Tong Jing, I did find him likeable). Also, did I mention the female characters deserved better? Plus, the whole thing with the Wang Family is just...so anti-climatic. So.....yeah....I had a terrible time at the ‘climax’.

Favourite bit of the whole series: The trip down the tomb-like hole in the Chen’s territory, which was left by Chen Pi, and which involved Chen Pi’s descendant, Zhang Fu Guan, and Luo Que. I mean, first off, my memory is a bit blurry already, I think it was not a tomb, but it was the most tomb-like structure, so the descent there was very much like classic tomb-raiding and very reminiscent of the descents in Lao Jiu Men, where you feel like anything could happen -- as opposed to the Gu Tong Jing which was mysterious at first, but got boring fast, because: i) it’s mostly modern compounds, ii) you’ve quickly done a full tour of the things that can attack there, which are basically snakes and trees. That’s it. Not very riveting. The descent in the Chen territory was really eerie and the little throwbacks to the times of the old nine gates were good fun. Plus, Luo Que was absolutely a baby star throughout. His “You actually don’t need to put in so much effort for me, you’re an employee of Xin Yue Fan Dian” and “Right now, I’m here. So I’m yours” exchange with Zhang Fu Guan absolutely touched my heart. He’s a fashionista with a crush on Zhang Fu Guan the size of a mountain. Bless him.

Overall, I did not find what I was hoping to find in this series, and I got pretty angry at the characters and the writing many times in the series. The plot is also a bit cheesy and far-fetched. The treatment of female characters is absolutely maddening, and that treatment is not as bearable as in period dramas, because this is modern days and you cannot use the era as an excuse. Overall, I would not recommend the watch. But the concept of the Nine Gates is still wonderful, and probably one of the main reasons I stuck until the end. For those who watched Lao Jiu Men, the show does give a lot of Easter eggs and throwbacks, but honestly, if you should choose, I would recommend watching Lao Jiu Men instead. 

[mikkock]

tell me more bout that funky bih named said

o him owo ?? glad u asked, cuz i sure do love that funky bih,

note that he’s one of my older characters, from like back in highschool, so he’s part of the ‘i rly gotta rework that bitch to make him like. great. believable. human’ so treat him with kindness he’s wip

also mind that im being messy in my explainations cause im dumb

So, first of, he’s Saïd Eom, he’s 17, his parents are korean n he got two siblings, and he’s a Mess.

at first glance, he’s bastard (that pic old)

he’s a witty boy, and an Entertainer, you Will have fun and only fun with him (at the expense of your wig, she gon get burned, we into dry jokes at Ur Expense)

he’s very flashy, he loves bright clothes, Expensive Fashion, and looking Hella Cute. His allowance goes into clothes n das it

he’s also in love with music n languages, his Number One Skill is multilingualism and being able to learn a new language in no time. He’s also quite good at singing if he wants to, tho he’s much more of a listener than a singer, he digs hearing more than being the source of sound ya get.

But, when you toss that flamboyant persona aside, he’s acutally a Sad Bitch (sadboishours) 

(that was sasuke on the pic initially fyi)

he’s very self destructive, and the whole “being messy” aint just purposeful chaotic cryptid behaviour. he’s actually a real mess, n he’s Sad tm. Mostly, he feels like he’s a dissapointment upon everyone, and got quite the pent up rage against his parents, which stems from his own fear of being the “failure of the family”. Basically the mindset of “welp i already fucked up i guess, they hate me for sure, i aint the shit to them so fuck it let me be the biggest failure haha :)” 

he’s also got some Issues makin it harder on a like, non negociable scale ya kno, like he’s an old character so i loaded him with drama, bitch got BPD AND is partially blind (to an extent that quite affects his life), so ya kno life is going just swell. idk why young me had to torture his characters with all that sucky shit like can’t ya just have existential dread like the rest of us bitch??

(there are perk tho)

instead of like, exteriorising his struggles n all, he’d rather bottle em up and self destruct. cause fuck positive coping mechanisms we 17 n we dunno how to deal with things too big for us.

he subconsequently feels very lonely, n Craves That Warmth ya kno, that Love, that Having People U Care About And That Care About and For You

speaking of, relationships :

aside from his parents n that whole cold vibe going on, he’s got his siblings, who are very very much younger than him, and absolute gremlins (wonder who they got that from mh prolly not from their big bro being a crytidy bih). He’s got a love/hate relationship with em. They’re annoying, and also embody a part of his fear of having failed everyone (they were born relatively shortly after he started showing first symptoms of mental illness n start of like, him getting examined and all, and also at the same time starting to get worst at school n all that, so in his brain the association made was “so they’re getting a new kid cause i wasnt good enough and they’re starting over with a better one that doesnt suck huh”, ya kno, persuasive irrational fears). But at the same time, he cant help but feels a bit of endearement and respinsability, the parents are often away and working, he’s part caretaker, and they look up to him, he cant help but feel he caaaant be tooooooo rude, he cant hate them tooooo much....they’re annoying but....ya know..... Tho Sometimes they do get a bit “too much” and he’d rather be left alone rather than having to be bothered by two kids. In the end they often end up being partner in crimes, doing dumb shenanigans together (and getting in trouble together, we ride or die) 

(they bout to be scolded n they kno that their korean names gon pop aka shit getting Real)

Also he has a dog and a cat, n they’re his bABIES OK.

He got Pals too

He’s part of the Teens, so naturally he’s chummy with Alice, Jessica n Noah, n is best pal with the latter (cause chaotic energies attract each other, what’s better than one mess if not TWO messes)

he’s also got a special friendship with a bunch of Oldies, he’s childhood friend with Cream and Jackeline, and then got friendly with Ace when they did, and then got super attached, because that dude got big mum energy, he cares after people, so bitch boy Saïd wants some of that and subconsciously just nyooms to his side to get some of that pampering ya know.

he’s also bros with quite the crowd, since he’s naturally outgoing n friendly n shit, notably the fashion students since he digs clothes, specifically Aiko n Chto, though he did surprinsigly manage to tame Prasert into Being Nice With Him, so wild, its basically like they’re besties ya know. but basically he’s friends with nearly everyone, he’s that cryptid that legit knows everybody, wherever they may be. He only dislikes Kai out of solidarity with his bro Cream, and him and Nott dont get along but they’re on Cordial Terms (as in ‘lets just be polite and pretend the other doesnt exist, whatevs man’)

And like idk what more to say cuz im dumb n hungry also but like

if ur interested that his playlist, i gotta clean her a bit but The Vibes ya kno

[ts-2020-olympics]

Episode 7 - “I wonder why you're not liked” - Nicole (& Ben)

Glad I sat out on that one - really didn't know anything Survivor related. Darcy's score of 12 is a huge shame, but gives me incentive to vote him out. He tried, he flopped, that's how it is. If it's me going this round, GGWP. 

Oh yeah! So, Nicole returned to the game.... Grrreat. It was probably the worst outcome I could have, but honestly, I don't want to dwell on it too long. With Nicole and Jacob both back in the game and Juls out of it, my fate looks worse and worse each day, as my list of allies continues to shorten and my list of enemies only gets longer. I feel very scared for the future, and rather trapped as of now, trapped between millions of possibilities, none of which have me doing very well. But hey, hasn't that been how it's been since Day 1 of this game? I started things off on Sonkei, a tribe so quiet I couldn't tell if I was running the show or on the bottom of everything until like 3 tribal councils in. A tribe where every new enemy I made would come back from the arena with a vengeance, and things only got harder. A tribe where I consistently lost challenges despite putting in my all. Then I got to nuMIraitowa, and my time here has been incredibly hectic. A bumpy road, to say the least. It's been a journey of gaining friends and then losing them, knowing people are lying but not knowing why, and just struggling to find the tiniest crack so I can get off the fucking bottom and just... SURVIVE. It's really been tough out here, and you can see the game starting to wear me down. My insanity is starting to come through in the main chats and honestly I've just lost all patience and tolerance that I had at the beginning of the game, the real me is beginning to show through. The one who lashes out, and desperately tugs at every heartstring possible, and says exactly what he's thinking without giving a fuck who's listening or the repercussions it might have down the line. Who makes everything public. I KNOW that these things are not typically good for my game, and yet, I just find myself so inclined to do them. Even though they've never helped me win anything, I can't help but be true to myself. I don't know, I guess I just feel frustrated. I'm at a place in ORGs where I feel so helpless, like I'm the victim of my own personality. I know exactly what's holding me back but I can't seem to just get past it. I guess I just keep hoping that one of these days, I'll play exactly true to myself, 100% me, and people will like that person enough to want to work with him or be happy to reward him a win. But it hasn't happened yet and I don't know if it can happen here anymore. I'm really struggling to push through. But, if there's one thing I'll never do, it's give up. Even when everything feels like it's caving in and I'm ready to just collapse, like I was saying earlier - no matter how much I want to do something, the real me ALWAYS fights back and does what it wants anyway. And the real me can't give up. Deep down in my core I always fight back, I always stand up for myself, sometimes even when I'm wrong. I just can't stand letting things go, and I know it's a character flaw, but hell, it's also a strength, and it's something I'm proud of, in a weird way. I don't want to be the player who gives in, never reveals anything, or plays it safe. I want to play it my way because if I don't, then how can I enjoy a win? How can I be proud of myself for winning if it wasn't ME that won? I have to win it my way, and sure, right now it looks difficult. VERY difficult. Maybe even impossible. But I'm approaching on the Final 16, and maybe, just maybe, a swap is on the horizon. Maybe new things are coming and maybe this entire game is about to reinvent itself for me. I've got allies in Jordan, Eve, Pete... potential allies in Caeleb, Ben, Sammy, Kevin... Maybe I could fix things with Emma. Honestly, who knows what's ahead. I'm very scared, partly, if that wasn't obvious by this big emotional confessional. But I'm also kind of exhilarated, this is exactly what Survivor is supposed to be and I can't wait for the next stage of the game. These are the Olympics, so it's go big or go home. Let's do this.

Hello again, this is Darcy here reporting with more confessing.  So, for starters, I still have yet to find something at the Olympic Village, which is really nothing new at this point of the game.   Now for the fun parts, my tribe lost Immunity, which not really surprising, since that kind of challenge I felt whoever had gold medal won that challenge.   So, we get to enjoy another tribal, where I am hoping for it to be Ben, since Ben is the one I trust the least, due to hearing about Ben wanting to come for me last round if I lost immunity, assuming that was a true tidbit anyways.   I have a feeling this vote could be between Ben and I, but here's to hoping Ben targets someone else and not me woo!   I do have enough trust in my alliance with Beck, Tommy and Karen though that us four should hopefully stick together to just take out the common enemy in Ben.   Then Ben may come back again with a gold medal, but if he does, I mean good for him.

I'm back, babes! Okay, so regarding my last confessional...I guess maybe I went a little too hard on some people. But, I was angry and validly so. Nothing much has changed even though I'm really good at faking forgiveness. About twenty minutes after I dropped in the FOUR AND A HALF HOUR PRESSURE COOKER, Sammy messages me asking to call!

I'm back babes! So as soon as I got back after the FOUR AND A HALF HOUR ENDURANCE, people were all of the sudden really happy to see me -- which was a LOT different than 24 hours prior! I talked to my best ally Kevin first, of course! I really hope at the end of the game Kevin's confessionals aren't like "oh geez and then I had to talk to Nicole, she's so annoying" bc I will be crushed, as a person he is just so nice and I'm so happy we have been given the opportunity to become friends from this game! So I talk to Kevin, then Caeleb and then...whatta know! Sammy! Right to the rescue, he wants to call after 1) voting me out 2) revoting me out. Now, long story short I made significant peace with Sammy through the phone call BUT something did happen that really did not sit well with me. While we were calling he said he DIDN'T want to apologize because we both did things wrong. Hm. Well, Sammy! Okay! I would have had more respect and less wariness of him moving forward if he did apologize but, he didn't. He kind of said like "ok so i know i lied about the advantages I had in this game and gave you nothing to trust me off of, got mad when you didn't trust me, then decided I was going to vote with Eve to get rid of you, revoted to seal your fate and called you out on a tribal call like 'if anyone wants to apologize now would be the time', but i don't think I NEED to apologize because, we were equally wrong.' Someone please explain to ME how exactly it is that we would be equally wrong when everything I did was to protect myself, and everything he did was because he had other people he could trust over me. Now that Juls is gone and he kind of showed his ass, he's now saying hey haha let's work together again though! I haven't decided if I want to do that, AND now I have a lot more options because people saw how kick ass I could be :) Speaking of the comp, it kind of grinds my gears that coming back in the last few messages before I entered again were Emma and Landen actively rooting against me. Landen, I understand. Emma...who even are you? Why do you hate me? lmao. Okay I may still be a little bit mad. Ben also as I'm typing this messaged me "I wonder why you're not liked", which is like hurtful but accurate. Anyway....I'm making at LEAST f15 now (bc my gold medal) so that's very fun, A+ content. I think we are swapping after this THANK GOD bc I have to get AWAY from this tribe. I hope I get to stay with either Jacob or Kevin, and maybe even get swapped with Jordan Pines or Karen so I can feel some semblance of security. I'll make a confessional about it next round bc :) im back :) hehe

anyway so this ugly ass tribe lost again. The only good thing to happen over the last few days is that nicole is back ugh I wasn’t ready to lose on of my allies skdjfkdjfj anyway so juls is gone and it’s down to me tommy Darcy beck caeleb and Ben, 4/6 of us are in an alliance and then there’s cae and Ben sjdjjddnjd obvs Ben is the choice to vote but also like bc it’s so obvious I’m scared that he’ll know and play an idol /: scares me bc I’m not 100% sure who he’d vote and he’s shown that he’s willing to vote for me at any moment so I’m just debating whether I should throw a vote at caeleb just in case to tie it or if I should let one of my alliance members potentially get voted out. Best case scenario if Ben plays an idol is that he votes for beck bc I don’t trust that hoe at all wkendkdndndn but yeah I haven’t had time to really talk to Ben so it’s prob too late to probe into his plans. Ugh I hope this tribal is quick & painless /: 

hello. confessional #472. i've survived another round so that's fun! i feel rly solid about the bonds i have with people right now so i know a tribe swap is incoming but that's for the best bc i'd rather not vote out anyone on yushu rn… so we'll see! 

Really mad I got voted out, feeling pretty betrayed by my tribe rn. 

I wish em didn't have to get voted out, but I'm pretty confident she'll fight tooth and nail to get back into the running..

Tribal just happened and we voted out Ben again in a unanimous vote. It was an easy vote I think either we are swapping into 3 tribes of 5 at Final 15 or 16, but if it's Final 16 the Gold Medal winner will be exiled. If we don't swap I think Ben will win the Gold and Beck the silver medal so we have a good chance of winning immunity incase there's another round before we swap. I'm really just trying to maintain get close to Caeleb because he's probably still skeptical about the whole Juls vote which I'm happy she's out because she's a threat but on the other hand she was so sweet it was sad she had to leave early. At this point I'm trying to maintain good relationships going into a swap and hope I get a good tribe that's strong and will leave me in the majority going into the merge. Also, at this point once Emma or Ben is officially voted out we'll be down to 9 returnees and 7 newbies so I really don't care if some of these returnees start hitting the road and going home. It's gonna come down to who wants to take me to the end and that's who I'm with. 

It's the end of the round, you know what that means? LAST MINUTE JORDAN PINES CONFESSIONAL TIME! It's america's favourite game show where Jordan Pines quickly makes a confessional at the last possible moment to not recieve a strike and tries to make his thoughts sound coherent. Let's Play! Whew this round was awful compared to every round so far in every aspect. First we get a challenge and I'm like... Oh Shit we can win this! and I work my ass of coordinating, doing most of the work for the tribe getting list ready in shit. And guess what it worked, we had the best scores over all and it wasn't very close... until you remember that each member of a tribe getting 20% on a challenge like this is basically a guaranteed win unless you are absolutely garbage. So we lose! Here we are and I have 4 people on my tribe including and I want to go far with all 3. Like I was at a loss. Not to mention the fact that I was having the day from hell where I could only be on for a minute like for the whole day. It ends up being emma and that fucking sucks cause emma is an icon. She has now won the duel and thank god I had some common sense not to blindside her and give her a heads up so that I can repair the relationship. Let's see how she feels about me tonight, but like I stand by it that I quote it here, in an ideal world i would go as close to the end with emma, shes iconic and i trust her a lot. I hope I havent damaged this relationship too badly! LET ME SWAP ALREADY!

I am tired of losing!! we’ve been attending tribal nonstop and it sucks. All these people are amazing. The vote was between Sarah and Em, Jordan was quite busy and didn’t care who left so it came down to my decision unfortunately. I decided em should go because I just don’t have a relation with her like I do with Jordan and Sarah. Luckily she won and is still in the game and got us gold <3 Jordan’s gonna try and do damage control with Em to keep her on our side. We’ve got a few advantages rn  and have been leading these tribals so I hope we stay in a good position. 

[maastrash]

AND MY FRIEND IS ONTO CROWN OF MIDNIGHT

Here is a thread of my friend reacting to Crown of Midnight! Find her Throne of Glass reactions here :)

OMFG DOES SHE REALLY HAVE A QHOLE ASS HEAD IN THE BAG SHES CARRYING

Ugh this fucking asshole of a king I cannot

He really sent her out to go kill her friend

What a dick move

AHHHHQKWJSKANSOQ AHHHHHHH CHAOL IS SO CUTEEEEE

I literally love their relationship omg

They are so cute together

OMFG CELAENA ISNT ACTUALLY KILLING ANY OF THEM SHE IS LETTING THEM ESCAPE AND FAKE THEIR DEATHS WHOLLY FUCK 

Who is this bitch roland I dont trust him

SHOTS FIRED

She just left dorian's annoying ass after some useless dinner

Shes visiting kaltain in her cell rn

By the cauldron I sense a brutal friendship brewing between those girls

I'm so fucking excited for them to take some kings bitches down

Oh jesus fuck kaltain is mad

She reminds me sm of elain omfg

THEY ARE BOTH MAD BROKEN AND TALKING ABOUT SOME OBSCURE SEER SHIT

HAHAHAHAHHS I NEED ARCHER AS MY FUCKING HUSBAND HE IS SO HOT

Archer is gonna fucking die isnt he

Omfg I like him I want him to successfully fake his death

"Honestly, she sometimes wondered if there was something a bit wrong with her for being able to cry so easily." BITCH IF THAT AINT THE FATTEST MOOOOOD

OMFG SHE GOT SLICED WITH POISON THE BITCH IS ABOUT TO DIE NO NO NO NO NO

SOMEOME COME TO HER RESCUE PLZ

BIIIIIITTTCCCCHHHH

CHAOL MY BABY OH MY GOSH

I smell a mating bond bitch.

That harp chic is a fucking badass

SHE BECAME FAMOUS JUST TO GET INVITED TO THE PALACE AND SHOVE MAGIC SONGS IN HIS FACE

She is the definition of petty and I'm all here for it

She also made celaena cry

So um sister shook

HAHEIRNICNEISMWOXUWNOSNWINA MY BABIESSSSSSSSSSS.

MY HEART MY HEART OMFG

Meanwhile there's fucking Dorian moping around being all pitiful omfg get a life you lil bitch

YOOOOO THE PRINCE HAS POWERSSSSSSSS

THE POWERS HAVE AWAKENED. I REPEAT THE POWERS ARE HEREEEEEEE

DOMESTIC CHAOLAENA IS EVERYTHING

IBIBTCRXYVKIYCTXONOJOHT MY HEARTTTTTT

THIS IS SM BETTER THAN DORILAENA

OMFG CHAOL’S A NAUGHTY LIL WHORE AND IM ALL HERE FOR IT BITCH

BUT. I. NEED. THE. SMUTTTTT.

Bro the amount of magical foreshadowing got me fucked up

I cant wait till shit blows up and powers are exposed

IS THIS WHERE THE SEX HAPPENS OMFG OMFG

OMFG SENTIMENTAL CELAENA IS EVERYTHING

Oh bitch It's happening 

YESSSS

Omg "Fleetfoot was with Nehemia for the night"

Bitch they are fucking

Chaoleana is happening tonight bitch

Happy birthday to chaol he gets celaena's pussy as a present

OMFG CELAENA IS A QUEEEEEN SHE DID THAT SHE RLY DID ALL THAT

MY HEART HURTSSSS

SJM IS THE REASON I HAVE UNREALISTIC RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS FML

@ myfutureboyfriend read all of sjm's books and GET SOME FUCKING IDEAS

JEBDISBXIWBOZFHAUS THIS IS EVERYTHING

...no words. I have no words

I. FUCKING. CALLED. IT. CELAENA'S PUSSY AS HIS BDAY PRESENT BITCH

KSNXUWBUZNZOZJAUSBAJ THEY'VE FUCKED IN A BROOM CLOSET

SIS I CANNNNNOTTTTT I LOVE THEM SM