#sometimes i really do wonder how i'm an engineer w a degree like what are you doing letting me go near heavy machinery

[namchyoon]

called myself a dumbass so loud i startled myself

[josiebelladonna]

so, this is my chart: if you can't see the positions, they are as follows:

sun at 25 aries moon at 17 aquarius mercury at 0 aries venus at 4 aries mars at 24 cancer jupiter at 7 libra saturn at 27 aquarius uranus at 22 capricorn neptune at 21 capricorn pluto at 24 scorpio northern node at 13 sagittarius chiron at 17 leo and i am cancer rising (4 cancer specifically)

everything i've read about planets at 0 degrees says that you are basically that planet and whatever sign it is to a t. and... yeah, i don't have much to add to that. i'm mercurial and aries, meaning i'm androgynous and tomboyish as aries is the quintessential masculine sign. i've never felt fully feminine, and if anything, i always felt weird doing things that are traditionally feminine and i'm not crazy about everyone wanting to be feminine it feels like when you should really be vouching for a nice balance. the right amount of feminine with masculine so you're healthy. aries being a fast sign, i often feel like my mind is going a mile a minute, and you can see this in my fictional writing, too. a lot of fic tends to be flowery and over-the-top in description: not me, it's often very concise and kind of bare sometimes, like i often wonder if there's more i can add to this to give it more substance.

also, i have a masculine instagram handle, badmotorartist, not just as an indicator of where i came from but this was something women were doing for centuries until rather recently: use male names because a female one will get you scrutinized to of great extent (tbh, it’s starting to go the other way: female pen names are becoming more common and taken more seriously. i just feel more comfortable with a more unisex name).

venus in aries: i was a field hockey player, and a baseball player (hell, i still enjoy watching both on tv: i'll watch ice hockey or baseball over football any day, tbh). i also like to go hiking and do archery. i'm a formula 1 fan. i also like watching tennis, the winter olympics, and cycling. i like rock and metal and will to the day i die. i like drawing men, specifically men i'm attracted to. no light, girly colors here, we're all about palettes that are rich, fiery, neon, striking, anything bold and stark (while simultaneously being earthy?)

i'm lowkey ashamed of my venus, though, and i really don't know what's to blame here for that, either.

up in my 10th house with mercury, too: you probably know me for my art and/or my writing. given my midheaven is pisces, i'll be telling you exactly how it is and you'll be the one to put it up for interpretation.

mars in cancer: don't talk about the people i love in a bad way or you'll get it. i may be round and getting rounder as i get older, but i'm strong, though. some days, i feel like working out; other days, i don't feel like doing anything other than reading. oh, my poor stomach.

i've also been told this is a very sensual position to have and- yeah. i buy that completely.

moon in aquarius: i really do feel like an alien at times, like i came from another place other than earth (i mean, the fact i'm the only one in my family with brown eyes should be indicative enough: my dad's eyes are hazel, my mom's are green, and my brother's are blue). one of my finest moments in writing was my sci-fi trilogy now it's dark, as aquarius is into science and science fiction and all things fantastical.

with the moon ruling my chart as well as my mars, you won't get noisy, rough sex or anything vanilla from me, oh, no, no, no.

saturn in aquarius: i think it's this strong uranian point with the two aquarius planets and uranus at an angle in my chart that allows me to think as logistically as i do. i'm an artist but i also have a long history of studying science: i was a mechanical engineering student for a time. i grew up reading about earth science - hell, my best friend and i wanted to be a paleontologist and a geologist respectively when we grew up. my grandpa was a nuclear scientist with a doctorate in mathematics (when i was 7 years old, he and i would sit at the kitchen table together and he'd teach me calculus or how a fission reaction works). my mom's stepdad is a literal rocket scientist: when the challenger exploded, he knew almost immediately what had happened (whereas it took nasa a year to figure it out). my brother is a chemical engineer who specializes in rocketry. my dad's an automotive engineer.

and yet, i'll admit it: i have some screws loose. i didn't suffer from depression and anxiety for as long as i did for no reason. i'm not psychotic like elon musk or andrew tate, two men with a strong uranus, but i do have these impulses to just absolutely shock people just kinda for the lulz. by the way, alex has a strong uranus himself, right next to his sun (at 0 degrees libra, no less! you see him and you think "hello, libra boy!"): i've often found something rather otherworldly about him, otherworldly and hypnotic. that's probably why he resonates with me so much because he and i are both strange, in the way uranus is, and yet we funnel our strangeness into good things like art and music, rather than destroying a social media site (that was admittedly on its way out, imo: twitter was starting to be uncool to me before elon showed up) or being absolutely horrible and misogynistic.

it's also a chore to keep friends, like i really struggle in making them and keeping them. i often feel like no one likes me just from a first glance, like they see me and they go "ew, no way." as i've gotten older (and i'm nearing my saturn return here in the next week or so), i'm learning to pick my friend group more wisely, and this is something i really, really wish tumblr would do more because you can't just trust everyone you call your mutual because in my experience, they very easily could just stab you in the back and shut you out for absolutely no reason, and the excuse they give is often complete bullshit to boot. saturn is in my 9th house, too, so this whole pattern has followed me all through my school days. and yes, i struggled in school, too.

and when i say i struggled in school, i don't mean i was a dropout or i flunked every class (even though i did flunk a couple of classes when in high school and into college). no, i mean there was an inordinate amount of pressure on me to do well, to perform well, to "get grades and everything would fall into place." and obviously, that never happened. i would take higher level classes like calculus or ap english or ap history and i often felt like i didn't belong in those classes - and yet, if i went into the regular classes, i would smoke everyone.

i hear about fucking children taking high classes like that and getting into universities, almost all the time now, and every single time, i just think to myself, "what." like... where did i go wrong? and i hear my parents saying that, too, "where did you go wrong? why wasn't that you?"

and yes, high school did not prepare me for college. like, not at all. when i went to the tech school that i went to for engineering, i was in way over my head. i often felt alone, too, like i couldn't talk to anyone about my struggles in classes because the stereotype of people like engineers and architects being absolutely insufferable is a stereotype for a reason: worse, i would get family telling me "if you need help, just say so" like, gee, thanks, that really comforts me a great deal.

speaking of which...

jupiter in libra: as much as i think like a scientist, i also think like an artist. hell, i am an artist. i haven't had the best luck with it, though (idk if it's from it being retrograde or harshly aspected or what).

i have a tendency to play devil's advocate, as a lot of people on here will tell you.

jupiter is in my 4th: i want a nice place to live. not a big place (i live in a big place right now and it kinda blows, tbh), but a nice living place. a place i can actually call my home, because this wasn't my house when i got here. it became my house once my stepdad passed and my mom is only heir by marriage rather than "next of kin". i.e., we can leave this house and then put it up for sale literally any day we want, we could do it today if we wanted to.

i come from a big family: i have 13 aunts and uncles, 7 nieces and nephews, and a shitload of cousins. my brother married into a huge mormon family and i only know like two of their names lol but holy fuck, is it dysfunctional, though. my dad's a recovering alcoholic with a very unpleasant personality. my brother is a control freak and a little bit misogynist, too. my mom barely talks to her brothers, and her brothers have only just recently started getting along with each other.

i've also read that wherever jupiter is in the chart, it expands whatever part of the body the sign and house it's in. like for example, alex has jupiter in virgo (no clue what his ascendant is, though), and he's got the cutest little belly on him now. eric has jupiter in taurus: all neck. chris had jupiter in taurus, too: a very nice neck and a voice that was too big for the room. i'm very "hippy" and chesty, and i'm also chubby by nature (part of me just wants to let go and be fat).

chiron in leo: i think my lack of success in the art world can also be attributed to this. chiron is like that one thing that bothers you constantly, like no matter how you try to dress it and fix it, it just nags at you, day in and day out. we all have something like this, and more often than not, it's something we don't really talk about much, either. for me, it's creativity. i don't think i'm all that creative, even though i make stuff for a living. this thing is my 2nd house, too. i was hating money before it was trendy. it wasn't that long ago i kept hearing family telling me to "find work" and what i'm going to do about money, rather than letting me enjoy myself and follow my heart, given that's what leo is: it's all about matters of the heart. i have the worst streak when it comes to romance, like if you've read any of my sex journaling, you've watched me bleed, and that's because i simply couldn't hold in chiron's pain anymore. leo is the sign of children: i don't want kids, period. i'm like chelsea handler, i'm literally not in any position or mindset to have kids, like that's a level of mentality that you just need to have. i'm happy to have 7 nieces and nephews, but children of my own? there's no way. there is absolutely no way. i'm turning 30 in april and i live in a world that's plunged into absolute oblivion the last three years: i'd be out of my fucking mind to bring a child into this world and destroy my body in the process. plus, good luck trying to get the perfect spouse, a ~match made in heaven~ for me, too: nevermind the struggles i've had with sexuality, i literally can't imagine someone loving me unconditionally, especially when i grew up feeling like there was something inherently wrong with me.

because of the strong uranian point in my chart, recently, i've started wondering if it's a sign of latent rebellion. like, "love, romance, marriage, children? fuck all that!" at the subconscious level. knowing the intense shame that i feel with my kinks, though, it's hard to say.

i know my desire to gain weight is an act of rebellion. i've read that chiron square pluto is a sign of eating disorders, more so since i have chiron in my 2nd house of the body: i've struggled with anorexia for years, because i grew up bombarded with messages across the board that i'm no good as i am, and that includes my stomach and my appetites. no exaggeration: there's this big part of me that just wants to let go and climb up to 300+ pounds because i already feel more "myself" being over 250. when i was a kid, i remember telling myself that i would be fat in the future and yet i was forced to keep my weight down and also dO wElL iN sChOoL if i wanted to be accepted as i am... and even then, i couldn't do it.

remember when i said alex has sun conjunct uranus in early libra? yeah, my jupiter is literally right there with that conjunction in the synastry chart. every time he sees me on ig live, he smiles, that really big genuine smile as if the sun is shining. it would also explain why i have the hots for him, too, and why i don't ever want to stop feeling this way for him, either (he's also got mars in virgo and venus in scorpio harmoniously aspecting my ascendant, too. figure i'm very attracted to him and i feel like he's way out of my league, too - poor guy's got pluto square venus right now. oh man. i went through that all through high school, is it any wonder that i suffered as much as i did?).

my venus is opposite that conjunction, too: i read about this and it's considered the "bad girl/bad boy" element between two people. it makes me think of rumble by link wray or lolita by lana del rey, there’s something so dangerous about it. all my encounters with him since february 2021 have had this really clandestine feel to it, like he comes back to my comments when no one's looking, or the time he said "i love you and everything you do" to me over ig live after he kicked back a glass of wine, or the time i called him "handsome" and he went, "who, me?" and though i've always made sure that they're not particularly naughty, i have said some things to him over stories that would make anyone blush and feel a tickly sensation in their very cute belly.

pluto in scorpio:

“oh, jos, you've really done it now, you rabid cur!

you are a dinosaur waiting 2 die, a millennial! a 90s kid!

finna aks you a question no cap, have you even been a child before? gen z is great because we said so and you gave them a scathing remark a while back so you can n E V E r take that back!

that's your official opinion! 5EVER! go back 2 ur ravenclaw house, you fecking boomer!"

(full disclosure: i don't consider myself a 90s kid because i was in kindergarten in 1998 and i barely remember 1997/1996. my brother on the other hand, born in 1985, is considered a 90s kid because he grew up and became a teen in that decade, whereas i grew up and became a teen in the 2000s.)

pluto in the 5th: art is in my soul. i have to make things or i will lose it, i will go off on the deep end. i feel like i'm on the brink of insanity most days. some days, more so now than ever actually, i don't feel like getting out of bed because the world is not safe. i suck at romance. i'm not sexy at all, and i'm royally obsessed with this thought, too. my relationship with sexuality is a weird, convoluted one that almost doesn't even make sense, and i'll admit this, too: i want to make peace with it and continually explore it but i also feel like it's all greek to me, like there's no way i can understand it and enjoy it, god forbid. the 5th house cusp in libra: "oh, you pretty things!" and "you gonna eat that?" are two things that coexist in my world.

going back to synastry, alex's scorpio planets (mercury, venus, and neptune to be specific) are all in my 5th house. joey belladonna (another libra boy who's a triple scorpio, not too sure how that happened) has those three + his sun in my 5th as well. alex's capricorn moon (oh, baby) is in my 7th house and joey's moon at 0 leo (surprise, surprise) is conjunct my mars.

i cannot get these two men off my ass. ...not that i'm complaining.

hell, i don't think i've ever met a scorpio i didn't like. helps that we're both martians (more so us aries), but they've all been nice people, though. just like how i never met a libra i didn't like, or a capricorn for that matter. virgo is actually hit and miss now that i think about it: my best friend elizabeth was a virgo, and i have a couple of friends who are virgos who have been friends with me for almost a decade now (we did it, saturn!). but my brother's first wife was a virgo, and she did not like me at all, and ben shepherd of soundgarden is a virgo and it was obviously too much to ask of him to even so much as communicate with me in those long stretches of time when soundgarden weren't touring or doing anything.

northern node in sagittarius: my destiny in life is to keep learning and expanding my horizons. being in the 6th house, i'm doing this every day.

as for uranus and neptune nestled up there in capricorn... i think they're the ones calling the shots around here because uranus rules my moon as well as saturn (saturn also co-rules aquarius), and neptune rules my midheaven, plus my sun is ruled by mars, which is ruled by the moon, which is ruled by uranus and saturn. everything in my chart goes back to those two + saturn. yeah, even that fucking pernicious saturn-pluto square, which is like carrying el capitan on your shoulders lemme tell you, has nothing on the ice giants. here i am, looking at 30, and i have this inexplicable feeling that i'm looking at something huge in the next year or so.

i remember feeling something somewhat similar in 2019, like all throughout the year, i had this feeling something big was about to happen that would change everything, and that that would be the last year where everything would have a sense of fun to it before reality set in. it was like a "make hay while the sun shines" sort of feeling. this thing that i'm feeling right now is not nearly that fatalistic (although i do have plenty of fears): it's more like "the other shoe is about to drop and all the toiling i've done behind the scenes so far is about to pay off big time". everything is about to change dramatically for me on a personal level, and it's not a question of "if" but "when", and also "how".

[drunkjaked]

OMG SAX IM DONE W MY ASSIGNMENTS

AHHH i’ve missed you sm it feels like forever since i’ve talked w you. first off, how are you? how have you been? i hope your well.

it felt so weird and annoying to be stressed on my bday but i felt so blessed from your wishes and five days later im free from school for a whole two weeks!

ugh i hate uni already. but i also kinda like it? it’s weird. maybe bcs one of my degrees (i’m doing a double degree) is creative writing?

i’ve been obsessed w creating writing since i was five yrs old so every class just feels like chilling and free time for me. loving it. my other degree however is IT and…just kill me now, please.

also… i won’t delve into the situation w your anon community that happened a few days ago? i can’t remember lost track of time. but i just wanna let you know that i love you sm sax and i appreciate how you try and make everyone that comes to your blog feel welcome.

yes, i feel insecure as well sometimes. esp bcs i know i’m a great writer but i’m too shy to do anything abt it but then i read over all out little talks and just the feeling of genuineness that i get from you, it warms my heart so thank you.

i might actually open a blog or two in the future for my own writing abt my ults (if i’m bothered and brave enough)

anyway, i was just wondering what course are you doing in uni? kinda curious.

also, i requested to add you as a friend on discord, so if you feel like talking in priv, hmu anytime

ily babes, so glad to have free time now so we can catch up

-🧚‍♀️ anon

HEYYYYY 🧚‍♀️ im so glad to hear from u 🥳 and yes it feels like years but i'm happy to hear that ur assignments r done, how did they go?

im doing alright, i've been hanging out a lot with my irls i think i was out like 5 times this week 😭 which is a lot even for the whole month so i think i'll be spending some time alone for a little while 🤞 social battery def feeling kinda dead and im for sure a little anxious but other than that i'm doing gooooood <3 i hope the same for u!

im sorry to hear that u weren't feeling too good on ur bday but im glad that my message lifted ur spirits even if temporarily ! and omg 2 whole weeks.. u r livin the D R E A M 🧚‍♀️, truly

uni is so 😵‍💫 (derogatory) but im just so glad im gonna finish relatively soon - not feeling so glad about having to write a dissertation next year tho.. i am really happy to hear that you're liking it even if just a bit bc it's so hard to stay motivated when it makes u want to take a fork to the eye ☺️

that's really cool actually and i hope to get to read some of ur writing in the future!! but agh 🧚‍♀️ i'm so jealous of you i wish i was studying writing rboarnoaj im gonna weep but i graduate next summer so i plan to do a postgrad in journalism or something of the sort so i can actually do something with my life that i'll enjoy..

i'm studying architectural technology which is essentially like domestic (mainly) architecture with some civil engineering involved #WomenInStem and it's killing me 😭😭😭 i really loved physics in school so i don't mind doing that but omds the maths is gonna put me in the grave im so bad at maths i can't deal..

tysm for saying so it makes me happy to hear that u feel that way and i hope u know that i love you also <333 i'll always be here for u, so i hope u don't forget that or ever feel alone / like u have nobody

that's so exciting and i hope that if u do, u lmk what ur url is so i can read ur stuff <33

okay yes of course and please remember the same extends to u & feel free to hit me on disc to talk about anything u need, ok??

i love u tooooo and yes me too this catch up has been really nice <3 talk soon, i hope 💌🫀