#sometimes i forget or don't realize i have trauma™

[cinematicnomad]

for shiv and tom, what do you think would need to happen in order for them to work out? like how would shiv be able to allow herself to be vulnerable enough for that to happen?

iiiii genuinely have no idea. despite wanting it v badly, i doubt it's realistic to hope for lol. the unhealthy option, obviously, is that tom does something that allows shiv to feel superior to him again and allows her to feel some semblance of control over their relationship. but even then i'm not sure that would be enough to make her forget how betrayed she felt after he turned on her. to move forward in their relationship she would have to be able to trust tom to not hurt her like that again and i don't know if she can. but she'd have to feel powerful so...i don't know, maybe if logan were to cut tom off, leave him out to dry, maybe if tom came crawling back to shiv on his knees and begged for forgiveness—maybe that would be enough to make her feel like she has some power over him. if it all blows up in his face and she is his only option for a saving grace and she gives it to him because it gives her plausible deniability. like—oh, i'm not letting tom back in my life because i love him and want him and need him, but because i pity him, i feel sorry for him, i'm doing something charitable, he needs me and i can lord this over him. you know? again: incredibly not healthy.

then again, maybe what needs to happen is for shiv to have to be around tom but NOT be with him. you know what i mean? like, to witness him from the outside of their relationship, to examine their dynamic separate from their marriage, to miss him, to ache for him, to yearn for him etc etc. maybe that would be enough to make shiv want him back—if for no other reason than the roy's do not really know how to handle NOT getting what they want. like, maybe it would be enough for shiv to admit to herself that she misses him, because they are not patient people and if she knows she wants something she will figure out a way to get it. like...maybe shiv just needs to be confronted with what life looks like without tom. they've been dancing around each other for months and now they've decided to divorce so they're going to actually be apart for the first time, and maybe (in true cliche fashion) distance will make the heart grow fonder.

maybe shiv just needs to...confront her dad, confront the trauma he raised her in, and realize that tom is A Good Thing��. not because he's the right strategic choice or because he gives her power or anything, but because she loves him. because she wants him. sometimes all forgiveness is, is CHOOSING to forgive someone. sometimes they can't fix how they hurt you no matter how sorry they are and you decide you still want them in your life anyway.

the reason why i'm focusing on shiv is mainly bc. i feel like tom has always been willing to go full 90 to meet her 10. he's always been willing to give up pieces of himself just to keep her in his life. the night before their wedding he gave her an out even though he wanted to marry her. the night OF their wedding he agreed to an open marriage even though he clearly wanted a closed one. he kept silent when she leap-frogged him for the top job in s2, he almost went to prison for her dad, he let her kick him with her "i don't love you", etc etc etc. i don't think his betrayal was enough to, like, fundamentally alter the core of his being. i think if she gave him the opening, he'd take it.

maybe the easiest answer is just. nobody changes. maybe logan dies. maybe he dies and in her grief, in her moment of utter vulnerability, shiv turns to tom for support. i mean, wouldn't it be a kind of...slightly nice, slightly sad, slightly poetic path for them? because it's how their relationship has always worked: in s1 shiv says they got together originally when she was "a mess", when she NEEDED someone—specifically tom, someone she'd never imagined herself with. and then he proposed to her at a similar moment—when logan was in the hospital and they thought he might die and tom just wanted her to have one good, happy memory from that terrible, awful day. like, maybe if logan dies...they just continue on with that pattern. they get back together. because shiv is vulnerable and sad and because she needs tom and because he wants to give her a good thing to focus her energy on instead. would it be healthy? probably not. but sometimes there's comfort in what's familiar.

this is mainly a huge ramble and i don't know if it's even coherent so. hope that was enjoyable to read! lol

[a-really-cool-blog-name]

I already have a couple of ideas for them. (Help me 😢 I can't draw turtles and I don't like writing book style that much, man. 😭)

WARNING I AM PROBABLY CRINGE (I will most likely look at this next year and cringe violently I am very edgy sometimes and trying to get it out.)

Also mentions of violence and killing, you know, typical evil turtle things.

So some main ideas out there

1: The turtles were actually human first they got mutated when they were young. They got into a fight with the foot, oh yeah, the foot still evil in this. It's fighting fire with fire out here. And they trying to kill them with unknown mysterious green glowing liquid™ *COUGH COUGH THE KRANGS DOING COUGH COUGH* and let's just say it didn't... work as intended. (Or maybe it worked exactly as intended 😏 just not what the foot intended *COUGH COUGH THE KRANG COUGH COUGH*)

While they do generally despise the foot for this (they have trauma and issues they have to face every day with the mutation oop sorry you kind of deserve it but not really cause you're still children at this time) they do like how it made them stronger and also allowed them to distance themselves from humanity. Speaking of humanity they absolutely hate humans and often use them as their playthings (AKA hostages, most of them either get experimented on or some variation of torture). (when asked the question of why are they friends with April and Casey if they hate humans so much all of them answered something along the lines of "well they also hate humanity")

2: You know how I mentioned how they got into a "fight" with the foot, yeah, at that point they were like all below the ages of 12 and tried to steal some things from the foot because, oh yeah, did I mention that they are orphans. (Sorry, Splinter it's for their villain origin story) Even though they do have a very sad back story and they are still a very evil. Don't forget that that's important, that's the whole point. (I can't resist angst and hurt/comfort even in my villains because they're also just people, okay? I find the juxtaposition between pure evil fun and "oh, this is kind of like a intense version of a bad future of the other versions of the turtles we know and love")

3: Despite being super mega evil, they don't actually like killing people that often. It's too permanent for them. (Torture you, sure, experiment on you, yeah, but killing you is where they draw the line.) Don't get me wrong they have definitely killed people just mostly...particular people. (R.I.P Hun you deserved it) It's not like they're very careful about not accidentally killing people, They have definitely done that many times, they love explosives. (Donnie especially) It's also not impossible for one of them to just get really angry at a hostage and just...nip the problem in the bud. (They don't particularly like to do that too often, it ends the "fun" too quick.)

4: The main story ideas I have are actually a giant crossover between a bunch of the different versions of the turtles (and the Aprils and Caseys because I like to have fun) (WAIT I JUST NOW REALIZED IF THE CASEYS WERE THERE THEN RISE CASEY WOULD RELATE FUNDAMENTALLY TO THEM AS SHE WAS ONCE IN THAT POSITION OF BEING A VILLAIN HOLD UP I AM COOKING HERE) because you know that joke that they always make in those fanfiction crossovers you know the ones that are like "Are you my evil dimensional counterpart?" I was like hmmmmmmmmmmmm funny joke but what if, reality.

And the counterparts being horrified by their evil versions (Wow, this is definitely not going to help some of them's self-esteem.) like, "Wow, that could have been us.")

However during this crossover they're probably all in their twenties at this point.

Pretend there is a cool transition line here, okay?

Mikey is the oldest and the leader and is just a total chaos being and does not care for anyone's safety (mentally or physically) (Except for his loved ones of course, they are not immune to his pranks however) Prank Master evil little jerk, he is 100% the type to do pranks that only he laughs at and the person he does it to feels horrible. Don't let this fool you he still cares deeply for his brothers. His loved ones our his number one priority even if he does torture them a little.

He's the most fleshed out in my mind mostly because I associate him with the song Jax toy (due to an animatic I saw if that song part of me things he'd have little evil robot toys of himself to control I don't know man) and that one song just titled mayonnaise because I associate that song with Donnie helping him hold the other versions of the turtles captive while their other brothers are making fried chicken in the background it's a weird song but it fits.

Donnie is the second in command (He actually really enjoys Mikey's leadership style because Mikey also indulges in the experimentation with Donnie. Evil brother bonding :D) he comes in guns a blazing literally he loves to use guns, he is a mad scientist, and he kidnaps people for his experimentation. Even though he enjoys Mikey's leadership that doesn't stop him from speaking up and telling Mikey that he can be kind of dumb sometimes especially with his plans and how he deals with hostages.

Raph is violent as all heck but actually really enjoys the chase before the fight. Nothing like chasing down your enemies silently before hitting them with a shuriken in their shoulder, am I right? He has the most scars and very little self-preservation skills. (Unlike Leo he doesn't do it on purpose he just doesn't realize how injured he's getting due to pure adrenaline) He is just as protective of his brothers as any other Raph.

Leo is the youngest this time around but don't be fooled his ego is through the roof. He's the type to on ironically say the line "I am the righteous hand of God and I am the devil that you forgot." He is very cringy but don't tell him that to his face. Slice slice mothertrucker he's still kind of has that stoic-ness to him that a lot of Leos do but it cracks very easily to be a much more jokey "plays with his food" kind of person. Don't let yourself be fooled he's still a self-sacrificial idiot. (Wow, a martyr complex and a God complex they all kind of have a god complex though how does he do it?)

April and Casey are still friends with the turtles (that's right baby they're evil too) and are a couple. I don't really have that many coherent thoughts about them (don't get me wrong I do have a lot of thoughts they're just not understandable and I'm not able to barf them out on to this) except for the fact that April is DONE with Mikey's shenanigans. And Casey Jones try to have a good home life challenge *impossible*. Also them and the turtles consider each other family but none of them are emotionally open enough to admit it.

Pretend This is another cool transition.

I need to remember that writing down my ideas causes me to flesh them out a lot more. Geez, half of that was not figured out before I started writing it down. So, yeah, that's my evil turtle ideas.

Adolescent evil turtles, adolescent evil turtles, adolescent evil turtles, Villains that are half-planned, turtle power!

I keep having original iteration evil turtles thoughts.

But I don't know how to develop an original iteration but I keep having ideas for one. (I keep associating songs with them even though they don't exist yet 😭)

[maypersonne]

You know I had forgotten how parental Leorio and Kurapika are toward Gon. Not just that. It's so much healthier than what I thought it was going to be through my rewatch. Like when they arrive at the cooking part of the exam and they're like well none of us can cook, Gon tells them that he can so they ask what he can do, he respond rice and eggs. Which can't really be considered cuisine and definitely won't satisfy their examiner. But when he tells them he's really good at it. They. Just. Look at him. Really softly. And proud. And tell him they'd love it if he'd make them some???

I was surprised, shocked literally. And my only thought was "my mother wouldn't have."

They didn't belittle him or the things he do and like no matter how impressive or weird they are, and are genuinely proud of him.

[catharsistine]

Okay, so often times in fiction, we see Elder Siblings™ are expected to take over the responsibility of raising they're family when something happens to the parents. Even in real life, it's often times expected. (As the eldest child, I can confirm.) And I don't think it's right that Nesta gets so much hate because she was a character who diverged from the canonical stereotype. People forget she was just 14 and teenage years are a very tumultuous time. She was born in the lap of luxury and I don't blame her for her shock, her inability to do anything. A lot of us would have done the same, we just don't realize it. Just a thought.

Second, everyone deals with trauma differently. Nesta survived To/mas' assault, watched her whole life get torn apart when Tamlint showed up and Feyrug didn't even write to her family because of her—for lack of a better word—ego. She watched both her younger siblings suffer because she did not have the skill set to help them. Then she was thrown into the Cauldron against her will, which does not help her PTSD any further. But what you don't realise is that the guilt feels is enough, that she has enough to deal with without others insulting her and tearing her down at every other step. And then there's an actual war, and her father dies and she has another 101 deaths upon her conscious (the illyrian legion) and you cannot blame her for being very very traumatised. Sometimes guilt can consume a person. Just because they're coping methods are ugly doesn't mean they're automatically horrible. Additionally, Feyrug bought a whole ass house instead of using that money to help the displaced from the war, so I don't think she's in any position to blame Nesta for spending Riceman's money. Nesta had to perform exposure therapy on herself for God's sake.

Also, when she is moved to the House of Wind, Feyrug and Riceman tear down the only source of stability and security in her life and force her to live with a man who she despises, whose advances she is forced to constantly reject. (Cas/sian stalked her, seriously.) Therapy comes in many shapes and forms, but forcing someone into circumstances that work against them every single second is not one of the best forms of therapy. Going down 10,000 steps is a humongous task and it definitely turns the House of Wind into a prison for Nesta.

Lastly, Nesta did not use Am/ren. (That's what I feel.) Am/ren was obviously the only person Nesta trusted from the IC. Often times, when survivors of trauma are unresponsive, they're waiting for someone to reach out to them, to extend a hand that goes beyond giving them space. Instead, Am/ren gave up on Nesta and called her a pathetic waste of space. Not only is that absolutely horrible, it caused Nesta to further spiral into self hate but was also a terrible betrayal of trust.

And these things are just what has happened before ACOSF or within the first 5-6 chapters. I could go on.

I'm not like, trying to provoke u or anything but why do you hate Nesta so much? Like plz. Tell me. (According to me) She doesn't deserve this hate.

A lot of the hate that I *HAD* came from a personal place. I dealt with people like her in real life. I was the younger sister being ignored and being called horrible names and treated like I didnt matter (it was not playful, my siblings legit hated me, but im not typing out my life story rn). I was the quiet one being called a loyal dog. I was the one reaching out my hand and getting bitten every time. I was on the receiving end of the things she did. I was in Amren's position too where I was put in the middle and the person used me to hurt other people. And this wasnt just once..i had multiple Nestas in my life.

The book definitely helped me see her better because we're reading her perspective, and when i saw that she was NOT proud of the things she did..that she DID have regrets, I knew there was hope for her.

She was not this person that a lot of her fans said she was. She's taking responsibility and healing and making amends..im so proud of her and I dont see myself posting anti nesta stuff anymore because I am starting to forgive her.

So if you ask me if she deserveD the hate, she most definitely did. She was not a good person. Does she still deserve hate? Hard to say..its about perspective..im not done with the book yet but i personally cannot say that i still hate her.

This book has mf healing properties.