#sometimes i CAN'T enjoy things because my ability to feel joy is locked behind a barrier of my mental illness

[mister13eyond]

talking to a friend about getting back into art and i think the #1 most important piece of art advice i could ever get or give is just "figure out what is FUN to you"

like i think there is sooooo much emphasis on how to build SKILL in art but a lot of it really treats art like a job or like video game grinding, like it's this thankless job that you have to work at in order to reach a Threshold and i know it's not EASY to make yourself have fun but like

imo a solid 70% of the reason i create art is because the Act of Drawing is fun to me. it's fun problem-solving and planning and putting down lines and playing with colors and tools. it's fun to depict little scenes in my head or to create outfits or to find ways to fill the canvas. never forget that creating can be fun. sometimes it's hard and sometimes you have to battle through your own blockades to get there but the ultimate goal should always be to ENJOY it, to find what you enjoy doing and then do it forever. improvement will follow enjoyment.

i think especially with all the debate about ML image generation it's more important than ever to embrace FUN. if you're only focused on the end result it's so easy to get in your own head- to think about what doesn't look good or what skills you don't have yet or to compare yourself to other artists. but photography didn't kill the art of drawing and AI won't either because, simply put, there will always be people who want to do the physical act of making art because it's fun to do! using paints and markers, splashing colors around, doing shitty pen doodles, using the symmetry tool in your art program to do abstract mandalas that are just squiggles formed into patterns. do art like you're 5 and you've been handed markers to pass the time. do art like you're bored in class and you're keeping your brain entertained by drawing stick figure comics in the margins. do art like an absent thing, do art because it satisfies your brain. the goal is not to make something beautiful and perfect, the goal is to make something because your hands need to make and your body needs to make.

[thefriskypanda]

Hiiii I was wondering if you can do a Neon (Valorant) x female reader High School dating headcannons . Also, like how competitive they would be in answering questions in the classes they have together. How supportive they would be towards each other when they are playing sports. I also get the feeling that Neon would definitely be a tease towards the reader no matter the situation, definitely in a school work situation.

If you can't do it that's ok. Have a great day/night luv🫂✨

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHG SHDBFJSFB ALRIGHT LISTEN, I love highschool settings like these dsjghsdhfg<3 it’s so cute and I have so many stories to inspire myself bc I was an absolute dumbass lol (and oooh archons, I hated p.e. with my entire soul)

anyways I hope you also have a great day/night/week/month/year and enjoy these hcs<3<3<3

Alright, I feel like Neon would be both competitive and supportive at the same time

I mean like, she has an internal scoring system and she’s always trying to answer more questions than you, whether it’s on quizzes, open questions during classes or just sharing facts when you’re chatting in the hallways, feeling awesome when you look at her dumbfounded at all the things she knows, because that’s how she knows that she won

But if she perceives that you’re falling behind, or that your score is significantly lower than hers in a particular subject, she’ll get worried and will immediately offer (force) you to study together

It doesn’t matter if neither of you aren’t the smartest in each class, because other people are irrelevant in her mind. You are her girlfriend, after all <3

Also, I 100% believe she’d make you wear bracelets with each other's name on them or those cheesy necklaces with the other’s initial

“T as in Tala?” “No, T as in Troy, duh” And you just stare at her and roll your eyes.

aaaaand yes, i agree that she’d tease you at any chance she gets, I imagine her asking you things during classes when she thinks she doesn’t understand something AND then rub it in your face if she gets a better score after the test

“Wait, didn’t you explain this exact same thing to me the other day? how did you manage to get it wrong lmao”

Yes, she’d say “lmao” out loud.

But then she’d kiss you on the nose and tell you that next time you’ll do better<3

During P.E. she’s simply unstoppable. Even the boys admire her speed and abilities

If anyone dares to make fun of you for not being as good as her in sports, she’ll beat the living hell out of them. ONCE. then, everyone will learn to respect both of you because everyone has different abilities/capacities and it’s absolutely ok to be bad at sports

In the absolutely amazing case that you’re good at sports, then you’ll be the power couple of the entire school

But if you’re not as good, she’ll carry you and make sure you’re having fun and forget about the fact that you’re breathing like you just swam across the pacific ocean without stopping and then climbed the everest mount and then- you get my point

She’ll teach you little tricks about the sports you’re playing

whether it’s basketball, football, volleyball, or just dodgeball, she’ll know how to play, the rules, formations, and she’ll be the best player at it

When it’s time to pick teams, she’ll usually be the captain and you’ll be her first choice as a teammate.

Listen, Neon can sometimes be immature, competitive, cheeky and annoying during other classes, but P.E is her favorite subject and she wants so share her joy with her queen<3

If by any chance you two end up being in separate teams, she’ll be dissapointed, but the feeling will quickly vanish when she realizes that she can let her competitiveness out once again, as, once again, she only cares about you<3

Her team will always win.

But that gives her an excuse to receive a congratulatory kiss from you and for her to give you a “better luck next time” kiss<3

When walking in the hallways, Neon will always make sure that your hands are locked, especially when there’s a lot of people, so she can walk ahead of you and help you navigate towards your next class

Matching socks >>>>>> like, you’ll either be wearing socks with the same designs/colors or she’ll give you her right sock in exchange for your right sock. It won’t matter to her that they’re completely different

OR matching hair ties for p.e., yk like those with balls that came in pairs? you buy 2 pairs of each of them so that both you and Neon always use the same ones, regardless if Neon has her two pigtails or a single ponytail (can you imagine that? omg)

At the end of the day, you’d find yourself walking towards your home, with your cute gf’s hand in yours, sharing a pair of headphones (or airpods, if you like those), feeling the absolute bliss of singing, humming and walking to the rhythm of your favorite songs with your favorite person in the world <3

[curiousconch]

Chase You / Chase Me (Pt. 2)

Part 2: Before I dive right into you

Catch up here: Series Masterlist

Chapter Summary: In the aftermath of their pretend wedding in Las Vegas, Gabe begins to unravel his growing feelings for Alex. But as he attempts to bring his past to light, someone from Alex's previous life casts a shadow on the future.

Book/Pairing: Choices - Laws of Attraction / Gabe Ricci x MC (Alex Keating)

Words: 2.4k+ (sorry 🙈)

Rating/Warnings: Mature (16+) / alcohol consumption, some swears

Disclaimer: Most of the characters as well as some dialogue belong to Pixelberry. I am merely borrowing them.

A little after 1 AM, Las Vegas

Gabe can't help but smirk at the look of mischief in Alex's eyes as they stood by a quiet spot in the middle of Las Vegas. With her in that glittery dress, he somehow can't bring himself to part from her yet.

He knew it wasn't only him who felt that tingling in his fingertips when he brushed her cheeks, her breath smelling strongly of martini. He was very aware that Alex felt the same when she stared back at him, standing at that cramped cheap chapel while an Elvis impersonator stood nearby. The moment she stepped away when he said that it's just all pretend made Gabe's heart ache with regret.

So here they were, standing awkwardly after he shot down her advances again.

But he was sure he didn't want the night to end here.

After calling for a car, he shoved his phone inside the pocket of his slacks and turned to Alex.

"I was serious when I said I wanted a celebratory drink," he glanced apologetically to his side where she stood. "Our hotel bar offers my favorite scotch."

Alex raised her head, smiling. "Knew you had it in you, Gabe."

A car ride and a couple of glasses of Lagavulin later, there they were, lounging on stools at their opulent hotel bar, warm lights and jazz music providing a backdrop on the casual atmosphere.

"And I could not believe the rat thing worked! Who would've known they kept a rat in there as a pet? Like really?" Alex raised her glass to her lips, as Gabe sat on the barstool beside her, cradling his own drink.

"Beginner's luck, I would believe," he chuckled in reply, leaning forward, tie loosened and his coat hanging at the back of his chair.

"I am so offended," Alex gasped as she shoved her hands flat on her chest in mock disbelief. "I'm not only the boring nerd when I was in high school, Gabe. I was that nerd who sang and dance at the drama club!"

Gabe shook his head, his lips pursing. "That makes so much damn sense, Alex." He took another swig of his third shot, fighting for dear life from laughing his heart out. Not wanting to give her that satisfaction, he threw a sarcastic dig at her remark. "That's so believable, seeing you could snatch an Oscar from Meryl Streep herself and the no one wouldn't even bat an eye."

"Ah, law was plan A, sir." she saluted, placing her empty glass on the bar counter. "Acting was a fallback in case it didn't pan out." she giggled.

Gabe grinned as he rolled up his sleeves, beckoning the bartender for another round. "You should have made it your plan A, seeing how you turned out," he teased, bringing up the fun bit they did to retrieve a copy of Lydia Rothswell's marriage certificate. The very same act that almost made Gabe kiss Alex in the middle of The Strip.

"Aww, Gabe, finally found a better lawyer than you? Feeling threatened yet?" Alex leaned in, snickering as their glasses were refilled. "Don't worry, I' ll settle for being a Junior Partner for now," she said as she reclined, before throwing in a playful wink.

"Well someone's head just became bigger," he gave her a smug look.

"Just trying to keep up with all the cockiness in the room," she smiled coyly, watching Gabe's stupefied expression. It was clear then that she scored a slam dunk at the championship of comebacks, laughing at his astonishment.

Gabe finally gave up, joining Alex in her laughter. As their joy receded, he let himself take in the sight of Alex without any inhibitions. What he was beginning to see was the extent of her wit, her ability to keep her cool, and the sharp humor that matched only his.

Under the warm light of the lounge, she brilliantly shone. He couldn't focus at what she was now saying as he danced at the appeal of them becoming more than colleagues. Perhaps he resisted his own feelings long enough that he was past the point of denial. Or simply because he was starting to get drunk.

Though before he can even begin to consider that, he was still sober enough to know that he first needed to tell her the truth.

The truth that sometime long ago, their paths have already crossed. And that he did something very horrible.

Call him cynical, but he wasn't kidding when he admitted he was an all-or-nothing kind of guy. And that meant laying down all his cards on the table. Because for him, Alex was more than the occasional one-night stand. And he can't be certain of how long he could keep himself from his budding feelings, all stakes be damned.

What better time to be honest when there was enough alcohol in his system to prevent all rational thinking? It's now or never, he figured.

"Alex, I -"

"Alessandra? Alessandra Keating?" a deep voice came from behind him, interrupting Gabe. He cocked his head to get a clearer view, as a man with slicked back blonde hair approached from a private booth nearby.

Without hesitation, the tall stranger in the dark suit stepped forward, his striking features Gabe would have easily recognized anywhere. That face was almost in every blockbuster movie in the last five years.

"Julian? What are you doing here?" Alex asked, as abashed as he was. Gabe saw how she clammed up the very second she recognized the man.

"Oh my, it really is you!" the man stopped beside Alex's bar stool, welcoming himself to their company. The way he was looking up and down at her made Gabe's jaw clench so hard, his teeth gritted. But the man's next movement stunned him all the more. In front of him, the man embraced Alex, making Gabe suddenly want to combust. His tumbler could've shattered if he tightened his grip on it a little more.

"Uhm, Julian, hi," Gabe surveyed Alex as she writhed within the man's arms, waiting for any signal from her so he could do something, anything, to make this man go away. But she assured him with one look, shifting a little, making the man who wedged himself between them release her.

"It's been so long! When was the last time I saw you, like, 12, 13 years ago?" the man exclaimed, his annoying smile making Gabe want to slam his fist somewhere. And it wasn't on the bar counter.

Gabe heard Alex scoff, fighting hard to regain her composure. "Yeah, high school," Her icy demeanor took over, one that Gabe only saw in the courtroom. She brushed her dress as she tilted her head to Gabe's direction.

The man turned to Gabe, the surprise evident as he acknowledged Gabe's presence behind him. The two men sized each other up sending an undercurrent of tension between them. Before Gabe could even consider acting out of impulse, Alex cleared her throat to diffuse his temper.

"Julian, this is Gabe. Gabe, this is Julian, my -"

"Ex," Julian interjected, before turning his attention to the lawyer. Apparently, this guy had a habit, Gabe observed. "We were together senior year. Alessandra, my angel, we had the best time together, didn't we? We looked good together, at least after Alex thought to improve her image here. Sadly, we had to break up. Teenage romances, you know?"

The picture couldn't be any clearer; this was the person Alex was speaking about during their dinner back in New York. And hearing the way he talked, no wonder Julian got under her skin. He was a damned manipulative pretentious liar. Gabe could hear the dishonesty between the words, not an ounce of authenticity in sight while the blonde hotshot rambled on.

Alex wasn't showing any sympathy either, her brown eyes staring daggers at him, as he went on about his monologue, emphasizing on how she was his back then. She was clearly infuriated by his attempt to own her, as well as his lack of shame. As Gabe quietly considered her reaction, he deliberated on a strategy to put her out her misery. The moment an idea came to mind, he gave Alex a subtle look asking her to back his play.

Alex nodded, sitting a little straighter. Finding the instant shift in her, Gabe made his move.

"Sweetheart," he slowly raised his voice as he said the endearment, enjoying the contempt from the other guy when he was interrupted. "You never told me Julian Wintour was your ex."

Alex smiled smugly, appearing pleased with the nickname Gabe chose, a clear pun on the whole high school sweetheart trope. "Never crossed my mind, babe. It's such an unimportant detail in my past," she waved her hand dismissively.

"Ah, nonsense," he finished his drink and gestured for the bartender to clean up. "Mr. Wintour's history would have made a good conversation starter." Gabe straightened his vest and stood, collecting his coat. He sauntered towards Alex, circling around the now speechless Julian. He draped his jacket over her shoulders, clearly making a statement before he reached for her hand, wrapping it in his.

"Why? Isn't the shiny nameplate of Senior Partner not good enough?" Alex expertly rode along, locking eyes with her former flame before gazing back at Gabe enticingly. "Forgive him, Julian. My lovely boyfriend here has a bad hobby of underselling himself," she smiled warmly, the irony of her statement eluding her ex. Gabe was about to smirk with her ingenuity, stopping when he felt her arm slowly wrapping around his waist. He barely stifled a groan at the intimacy of her touch.

The other man went beet red at the gesture. For embarrassment or infuriation or both, Gabe didn't fucking care. All he cared about was for Alex to slap this douche's face, metaphorically speaking.

"Anyway, Julian, it's been a pleasure. It's been a long night, and we're about ready to retire at our penthouse suite," steadily, she got up from her seat. The command in her was undeniable, forcing anyone to feel nothing but regret the day they decided Alessandra Keating wasn't good enough for them. Then with a flourish, she turned around as she let Gabe take her away from her past lover's scrutinizing gaze.

Inside the elevator, Gabe caught Alex's exhale of relief, probably thankful that Julian was out of her sight. Gabe still held onto her hand, though Alex didn't seem to notice. As they began their ascent, he waited for her to break the silence, deciding that the questions running in his mind can wait.

"I would have traded my rankings for the look of disbelief in Julian's face," Alex said turning to him, to which Gabe arched his brow.

He smirked devilishly, knowing Alex could take the hint. "I believe I could offer a sight better than that."

She grinned at the innuendo, further lightening up the mood between them. "One day, Gabe, I'll take you up on that," she said, crossing her legs as she leaned on the polished wall behind her. "Though I'm sure you're dying to know... How did I end up dating the Julian Wintour?"

Gabe pondered before answering. "Hmm, actually not the first one that comes to mind, no." He tapped against his temple. "I doubted you would ever bat an eyelash to his direction."

Her eyebrows rose. "Ah, you think so highly of me." She chuckled, shaking her head at his reply. "But yes, he was my ex. And yes, he was the red on my ledger. He was my first love," she admitted. "That ideal, once in a lifetime, true love everyone's talking about? Julian was it, or at least I thought he was." she sighed, glancing at her reflection on the polished metal panel beside her. "But when things started to go downhill for me, he was the first one to walk out," she paused, taking a deep breath. "By cheating on me."

Gabe's body went rigid, clenching his fists so hard until his nails dug unto his palms. What the fucking hell? I know I should have punched that guy's perfect teeth! He decided against airing his vengeful thoughts, staying quiet as he glimpsed at her image on the walls.

"Joey reminded me how Julian made me doubt myself. If I'm really over what he's done to me, if he's still in my head," she continued, rubbing at her nape. Gabe felt her gaze fall on him, which he reciprocated. "But after walking out from him tonight, I am much more certain that I made it out, after all."

Gabe felt her squeeze his hand as she said those words, and his heart somersaulted inside his chest. "So thanks. I needed that little nudge," she said in finality.

He turned to beam at her as he relished the triumph in her words, hoping that it was enough to convey that he was proud of her. And to be part of that discovery about herself, about who she always was in his eyes - someone who was his equal.

When they arrived at her floor, she gently freed her hand from his grasp invoking a sharp exhale from him. She stepped out of the elevator, her gait as undeterred as ever. But then she turned, her soft expression dimmed by the lack of light. "And while we're on the subject of appreciation," she uttered, before dropping one last revelation.

"Thanks for that save you also gave me ten years ago," Alex glanced up at him with half-lidded eyes, her words laced with meaning.

It took him a few moments before he could even comprehend what she was trying to convey. He searched her eyes for some explanation but found none. "What do you mean, Alex?" he said, managing to find his voice.

"I know exactly who you are, Gabriel Ricci."

With that, the doors slowly closed in front of him, her sly smile fading from his sight until he can only see his own reflection. He examined her last sentence, repeating the words over and over in his head. There was only one plausible explanation: she only knew half of the truth. His body sagged against the wall as he shut his eyes, angry at himself.

No Alex, I think you really don't.

Author's Notes: Thank you for your continued reading! As some of you may have already noticed, this part was written purely in Gabe's POV because I wanted to expose his conflicted feelings for Alex. It's probably my own version of revenge, with PB stretching that slow burn as much as they could 🤭 Share your thoughts in the comments, I'd really appreciate it! 💖

Taglist: @adiehardfan @pixelnutrookie @starryjieun @fucking-random1 @sarcastic01lily @spookycolorpeanut @ophrookie @suitfer

@choicesficwriterscreations

It's my first time tagging a couple of folks, so please inform me if I missed including you. Also, want to be added or removed from the tag list? No problem - just let me know 😊.

[starkovsnesta]

Darling, I'm with you (a bellarke one shot)

Hey everyone, this is my first work for @bellarkebingo.

It's set after s6, when Clarke comes back in her body, and it is a little angst(cause, of course, I can't write happy things)

Hope you enjoy it!

Read it on ao3.

***

We fell asleep to escape from the sun

And we woke up to the sound of a storm outside

-I'm with you, Vance joy

It still didn't feel real.

Laying on one of the ship's cabin, Clarke kept staring at the ceiling.

She knew she was exhausted, Josephine had refused to sleep for a long time, but she just couldn't manage to fall asleep.

Sleeping should have been a release, a solace. But to her, it was a cage.

She had been forced to face her fears, her sins, and now that she had seen them all, now that she had acknowledged her deepest demons, ones that she had kept away from her own mind for too long, she was just too tired of monsters.

She knew she would have seen them all again, once she had closed her eyes.

Panic flawed inside her. She touched her chest with one hand, trying to control her breathing.

In with the nose, out with mouth.

It had been her mantra for a long time, now. She knew her friends, or the ones that she could once call friends, thought she was cold and insensitive, always ready to do what others couldn't.

She knew she had grown the ability to keep her emotions aside, to rely just on rationality, and it was everything but easy.

As much as she hated it, Clarke was still a person. She had feelings, emotions, she had fears and hope and dreams, sometimes. She felt.

More than she wanted to.

She tried to deny some emotions to herself. But she just couldn't.

And in that moment, alone on her bed, trying to gain control on her brain, she just felt helpless.

A few tears escaped her eyes.

She had been lonely for most of her life. Even on the Ark, besides her parents, the only person who had loved her and accepted her for who she was, with all of her flaws, was Wells. And she had lost him, twice.

Clarke had always known that the only person she could rely on was herself, but she wasn't able to trust her own mind lately. Or even worse, she was scared of it. What could she do? There was no escape. She couldn't run away, although she wanted to.

Wherever she went, her demons would have followed. It had always been like that. But this time, she was just too tired to fight them.

She thought of Madi.

She had failed her, too.

She had promised to protect her, to give her the life she couldn't have, to make her happy.

But what she actually did was throwing her to war, giving her the responsibilities and fears that a child should never have.

She had ruined her.

Wherever you go, death follows.

Some other tears had fallen from her eyes.

Even though she was back in her own body, Clarke felt lost.

She knew she had chosen to bare all this pain. I bare it, so they don't have to.

But what was the point?

She thought of her friends, of their surprised and relieved faces when she came back.

She thought of Miller, Emori, even Echo, slightly smiling. She thought of Murphy's guilty face, his eyes staring at her with a mixture of challenge and regret.

She thought of Raven's watery eyes, her mouth still spitting out bitter words, but this time the insults had come out trembling.

Clarke would have thought a hint of affection was in them, but she didn't dare to hope.

And then she thought of Bellamy.

He was there was she returned.

The first thing she had seen when she had opened her eyes, when she had realized she could see and hear and touch things again, was his worried face.

His eyes full of insecurity, his mouth trembling with fear.

What was he afraid of? That she was never coming back?

Without even realizing she was doing it, Clarke had touched Bellamy's cheek, just to make sure he was really there.

"Bell" she had whispered helplessly.

His name on her mouth sounded like a cry for help. She was reaching to him, like she was drowning in deep waters.

It was like that little word had given him some sort of impulse, because he inmediately locked her in his arms.

The feeling was so relieving, that Clarke started sobbing. All the fear she had kept away to save herself washed over her, and she couldn't control it anymore.

With every sob, Bellamy's caresses on her hair felt lighter, more delicate than the previous ones.

It had reminded her of six years ago, when he had comforted her right before the end of the world.

This time was different, though, because he was crying too.

She could feel the wetness of his cheeks against the back of her neck.

The only sound she could hear, after her desperate sobs, was her name on Bellamy's mouth.

"Clarke" he had repeated over and over again, each time more consciously than the other, as he was realizing, like her, that she was really there.

She closed her eyes, still trying to gain control, and she thought of Bellamy saying her name, again and again.

She thought of his soft lips against her shoulder, of his hands on her hair.

Right before she fell asleep, she could have sworn she heard the sound of his heartbeat against hers, like he was lying next to her.

***

She woke up gasping, in desperate need for air. She felt her cheeks wet, she must have cried in her sleep. Clarke brought a hand to her neck. Her throat was aching, it burnt like she had been screaming for hours.

She knew what she would have seen in her dreams, there was no way to escape them. The images were so vivid in her head that she wondered if she was still trapped in her mind.

It was hard to understand what was real.

She closed her eyes, trying to gain some control.

She had dreamt of Madi, her body covered in blood and her eyes a storm of rage, strong enough to destroy a planet.

She had seen her with a sword, her grip so stable and her posture so confident that she looked like she was meant to war all along. That last part was probably true, Clarke thought.

She had tried to avoid that, but she had failed.

And her failure had ruined Madi's life. She had lost her innocence, her joy, her curiosity. How could have she done that to her own daughter?

In her dreams, Madi looked right at her, spitting bitter words to her face.

"Wanheda" she had called her. Commander of death.

That word alone was enough to send a chill down her spine. Every time she had heard that word, it was full of disgust, of despise.

But Madi had told it with a toneless voice, like the word didn't scare her.

"I knew you would have come for me." she kept saying.

Clarke had took a step towards her, but Madi still looked so far away from her.

"Madi, I would never hurt you" she had said in her dream.

But her daughter just looked at her, a grin on her face, and told the words she would have never wanted to hear from her.

"Did you expect to protect me from the world, Clarke? Did you really think you could do that?" she laughed bitterly, and Clarke felt like somebody was stabbing her in the chest.

"You could never have given me the life I deserve, Wanheda. I was doomed the moment you found me in the woods."

A few tears escaped Clarke's eyes. She knew it had been just a nightmare, but deep down she thought those words were true.

What had she done?

How could have she expected to love Madi without causing her any harm?

She started sobbing loudly, incapable to control herself. Not that she cared about anyone hearing her, anyway.

The sound of her cry was loud in the silence of the night. With every sob, a small part of her crumbled.

The door of the cabin cracked open.

Instinctively, Clarke started to clean her face from the tears. She stopped when she saw who was standing right in front of her.

In the weak light of the room, Bellamy looked more tired than ever. His face was worryingly pale.

He walked to her slowly, as if scared she would have pushed him away.

She felt her heart tighten up in her chest.

After all those years, he still didn't know how much he mattered to her.

She helplessly watched him sit on the bed beside her, and a small sigh left her mouth.

She smiled tiredly when she said "I'm sorry for the noise. I didn't mean to bother anyone"

Bellamy stared at her, scrutinizing her face as if he was in front of a mystery nobody had ever solved.

He took her hand in his, holding it tight.

"Don't worry, princess." he whispered "you didn't wake anyone. I barely heard you."

A small smile brightened his face.

Relief washed over her. She was happy he was there with her, trying to make her smile.

The burden in her chest slightly lightened.

But it still hurt.

Bellamy must have noticed the resigned look on her face, cause he moved closer to her.

"Clarke" he said, his voice slightly trembling "it was just a dream".

A little laugh escaped her mouth.

"Sometimes, I wish it was all a dream. I wish anything I saw was real." she took a small pause after this last sentence "I wish I wasn't real".

She closed her eyes, her body still aching for sleep. How long had she been asleep? A few hours?

"What time is it?" she weakly asked, her eyes still closed.

"The last time I checked, it was 4 a.m"

Although he had said it with a humorous voice, she could feel worry wash over him.

His eyes were still studying her.

He was probably afraid she could have started crying again. Honestly, she was afraid, too.

Bellamy had already had problems by trying to rescue her. She didn't want to make things worse for him.

"Why were you awake so early? Couldn't sleep?" she tried to change the focus from herself.

"I couldn't." she heard him answer "I had to make sure you were fine"

If the words weren't enough to make her heart lose a beat, his serious tone certainly was.

She opened her eyes, looking at him.

"You mean" she started, not sure what to say "you were behind my door all the time?"

Her surprised tone made him laugh, his cheeks assuming a timid shade of red.

Clarke couldn't help but analyze him.

She had always found him beautiful, like an ancient creature of the earth, some of those mythological figures he seemed to love so much.

She had always been scared to draw him, afraid some of his beauty would have gone away because of her hands.

In that moment, she wished she had her pencils.

"I didn't have anything better to do" he merely answered.

They stayed like that for a while.

Side by side on Clarke's bad, their hands still locked together.

Each of them looking for words to say, but neither of them daring to break the silence that seemed to create a calm atmosphere around them.

"It was Madi" Clarke heard herself say. The words escaping her mouth without her consent.

She didn't have to explain what she meant, because Bellamy already had an aware look on his face.

She took a breath, and started telling him about her nightmare.

Repeating the words she had heard Madi say was painful, but somehow she managed to let everything out without breaking down into an ugly cry.

Maybe it was because of her need to talk with somebody.

Or, maybe, it was Bellamy's firm and steady grip on her hand, that somehow kept her from fading away.

When she finished talking, she just stared blankly in front of her, not expecting an answer.

Bellamy's words came from the distance.

"I'm sorry" he said, his voice breaking on the last word. "I should have been there. For you. For Madi. I'm sorry, I let you down."

A small tear escaped his eyes.

Every word he had spoke were soaked with guilt. Typical Bellamy, Clarke thought, always beating himself for not doing enough for the people he loved.

An electrifying feeling crept through her at the thought she belonged to that category in Bellamy's life.

She smiled at him, even though he wasn't facing her anymore.

She hadn't thought what losing her meant to Bellamy. A part of her hoped he would come rescue her from her personal hell, but she had pushed that hope away in order to save herself. She knew it was unfair to expect him to give up to his friends, his family's safety in order to save her life. He had already lost her once and managed to survive anyway.

But even though she kept repeating those words to herself, she still waited for him to take her away from that place, to save her one more time.

And that little, weak, almost invisible beam of hope was enough to keep her alive.

"Bell" she called for him, like she had done many times before.

She wished she was good with words. She wished she could let her feelings out easily, like he did.

There were just too many things to be told.

After all they had been through, after all the loss and the pain, she thought he deserved to know.

But instead of revealing feelings she had tried to keep away from him, and from herself, for so long, she asked "Will you sleep with me?"

The question lingered in the silence for some minutes.

The surprise in his face made her blush a little. Before she could deny her offer, he nodded, his smile still slightly open.

She laid down on her bed, its softness so comforting she let out a sight without wanting.

She felt exhausted. Her tired eyes were slowly leading her to sleep.

Before going back to the darkness, she saw Bellamy smiling reassuringly at her. His eyes bright in the weak light.

Their bodies separated only by their hands, still locked together.

A warm feeling washed over her, and this time, she felt more brave when she faced her mind.