#sometimes I feel like the only time im ever really happy is when I disappear into a story

[abigailovesz]

EVEN IN THE DARK

summary: a quiet girl battling anxiety and depression, caused by bullying crosses paths with jj maybank - the golden boy with a wild smile and deep wounds no one sees. what begins as a cautious friendship grows into a love that is raw, patient, and life-changing. together, they learn to navigate mental illness, grief, and the scars of their pasts, building a life defined not by perfection, but by presence. through marriage, parenthood, and healing, they choose each other again and again - proving that true love isn’t about saving someone, but standing beside them when the world goes quiet.

inspo: sailor song - gigi perez

warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, mentions of anxiety and depression as well as panic attacks, a miscarriage, mentions of jjs past so abuse, self worth/insecurity, happy ending, and pregnancy.

a/n: im sorry this is so fucking long, but i took me a whole month so hope ya like it i also got part of this idea from a writing project i had done a few years ago & i somehow found it again in my room so its inspired by that ! (a few of the lines are from the paper thats why its so fuckin poetic lmao) basically the life jj deserved ayye

you had always lived in the quieter spaces of life. A soft-spoken girl with sad eyes that held more stories than you could ever say aloud. on the outside, you were just another senior trying to make it through the school year. but inside, every day felt like dragging your feet through wet sand.

anxiety and depression had become a constant hum in your mind. they crept in quietly during childhood after days of getting tormented, made fun of and rooted themselves firmly by the time you turned sixteen. mornings were battles, and nights were battlegrounds. your thoughts raced, heart often pounded without reason, and sometimes you felt like you were drowning in a sea only you could see.

no one really noticed. except for jj maybank.

to everyone else, jj was the golden boy of the outer Banks. Loud, wild, always the center of attention. the sun seemed to shine differently around him - like it couldn’t help but follow his charm. but that charm? It was a mask. one he wore every day and every hour. beneath the jokes and the laughter was a boy who had learned too young how to hide his pain. a boy with his own fears, his own scars.

jj first noticed you in the library. you sat in the farthest corner, headphones on, curled up in a way that said “do not disturb.” But something about your stillness intrigued him. not in a romantic way at first — more like recognition. He saw something familiar in her silence. He saw himself.

you both didn't talk for weeks. just quiet glances, stolen between book stacks and hallways. until one rainy afternoon, your anxiety had reached a boiling point. you'd fled class, overwhelmed and breathless, and locked yourself in the art room. you hadn’t expected anyone else to be there - but jj was.

he didn’t say anything right away. he just sat on the floor a few feet away and picked up a pencil. he started sketching - he surprisingly, was pretty good at it but never showed anyone. Silence filled the room, comfortable and understanding. When your breath slowed, you asked without looking at him, “why are you here?”

jj hesitated, then answered truthfully. “sometimes I come here when I can’t breathe.”

That was the beginning.

you both began to find each other in hidden places. the dock behind the marina at sunset. The rooftop of the old motel. your porch swing on sleepless nights. he didn’t ask your to be happy. you didn’t ask him to be strong. you both just existed - painfully, beautifully, honestly.

one night, under a sky of stars, jj had confessed the words he was always afraid to say, “I feel broken.”

you looked at him with eyes full of quiet understanding. “then we’re two pieces of the same mirror,” you said. “cracked. but still reflecting somethin' real.”

the world didn’t stop hurting. your anxiety didn’t vanish, and his demons didn’t magically disappear. but together, you both built a space where pain didn’t have to be hidden. you aughed in the darkness. cried without shame. found genuine happiness in small things - like late beach walks, or sharing a milkshake without speaking.

jj became your own anchor when the waves got too high. you became his lighthouse when the storms closed in.

love didn’t cure you both. but it gave the two of you strength. It reminded you and him that you weren’t alone - you had eachother. that being vulnerable wasn’t weakness, but bravery. And that sometimes, the most broken hearts are the ones most capable of deep love.

HIGH SCHOOL ENDED with a blur of bittersweet emotions. jj didn’t walk at graduation — not because he didn’t want to, but because he was afraid. afraid of what came next. you, however, sat in the crowd with trembling hands, hearing your name echo across the stadium speakers.

you walked that stage not because you felt strong - but because jj was in the stands, silently cheering you on.

you both stayed in the outer banks for one more summer. long, golden days filled with sunsets. jj worked at the boatyard, fixing things with his hands, while you took photographs of the coastline and wrote in your journal — pieces of poems she never showed anyone but him.

but as summer ended, change rolled in.

you had been accepted into a university a few hours away to study psychology - you wanted to understand your own mind and help others like you. jj, on the other hand, had no clear path. no college plans. just a restless heart and a fear of becoming his father.

you both fought the night before you left.

“I don’t belong in that world, baby” jj said, pacing your tiny bedroom.

“you belong anywhere you choose to be,” you argued, tears threatening. “you’re not broken, jj. you’re scared. like I was. like I still am.”

he didn’t come to you the next morning. but he left a note tucked into your bag.

“I don’t know how to be in the world without you in it but I want to learn how to be worthy of standing next to you in it.”

you both spent the first few months apart aching in different ways. you struggled with new routines, panic attacks in lecture halls, and the isolation of pretending to be okay. jj picked up extra shifts, and started visiting john b more and more.

you both wrote letters. real ones. Ink on paper. because some things felt too special to say out loud. jj’s handwriting was messy, rushed, but his words were always honest.

and you always wrote back.

the next summer, he showed up at your apartment, sunburned and smiling. “there ya are," he let out a long breath. "missed you - everyday baby." you threw your arms around him, eyes shutting in relief.

years passed. slowly, you both grew - not into new people, but into fuller versions of yourselves. both had setbacks. panic attacks, sleepless nights, old fears rising easily. but they never faced them alone again.

eventually, jj applied to a mechanics program in the same city away from outer banks and near your college. he fell in love with working on boats, but also with the quiet way your eyes still lit up when he walked into the room.

you graduated with honors. at your ceremony, you read a speech about healing in imperfect ways. you thanked your professors. your therapist. and one “unexpected person who reminded me I didn’t have to be okay to be loved. I just had to be real.”

jj proposed on that same rooftop you both used to sneak onto back in high school. no audience. no flash. just a small ring, shaky hands, and these words -

“you once told me we were pieces of the same mirror. I think we’ve built something.. new now, y'know?”

And you, smiling through tears, whispered - “yes. always yes.”

YEARS LATER, your house sat at the edge of a coastal town, far enough from the chaos but close enough to the sea that jj could still smell the salt in the morning. the house was small — two bedrooms, sun-drenched windows, and walls lined with your photographs. It wasn’t perfect. but it was theirs.

jj now ran his own repair shop by the docks. he never called himself a business owner - that felt too fancy to him - but he was proud of what he’d built. he still had bad days. the kind where the weight in his chest made it hard to move, where old memories were louder than he’d like. but he knew, he had you.

you both didn’t have children - not yet, maybe not ever. It was something you'd talked about gently, honestly, without pressure. you both had been through too much to rush anything.

love did not have to look like everyone else's.

but then, it happened.

you were ten weeks pregnant. you both hadn’t told many people. just the close circle of jj's second family: john b, Pope, everyone through a phone call. a cautious kind of joy had filled the house since the first test. jj had kissed your belly every night like a quiet promise, and you had finally started to believe you could do this - that your body was safe enough for life.

but that afternoon, something shifted. a dull ache turned into sharp pain. then came the blood.

at first, you panicked. “maybe it’s normal,” you whispered, standing in the bathroom, knuckles white as you gripped the sink. “spotting happens… sometimes.”

jj found you there, pale and trembling, your hands shaking as you tried to google symptoms. he didn’t say anything at first - just knelt and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind.

“we’re goin' to the doctor,” he said, calm. but his grip tightened slightly. “right now.”

you both sat in the sterile ultrasound room, you stared at the ceiling, jj clutching her hand like a lifeline. the silence from the tech stretched longer than it should have. then came the words you'd feared: “I’m so sorry… there’s no heartbeat.”

you didn’t cry right away. just nodded, numb, like someone who’d forgotten how to speak. jj looked stunned - like someone had yanked the air from his lungs - but he kept his eyes on her. Always on her.

When you both got home, you went straight to the bedroom and curled up on your side of the bed, hand resting instinctively where life had once been. “I shouldn’t have gotten attached,” you whispered.

jj sat beside her, silent for a long time. then he said, voice low and trembling, “fuck, I was already in love with someone I never got to meet.”

that’s when the tears came. for both of you.

but you knew you were still loved and okay with jj. you could try again.

IT STARTED WITH a test left on the bathroom counter. you sat on the tile floor, knees tucked to your chest, staring at the result with wide, disbelieving eyes. jj came home from the shop covered in grease, and when he found her there, silent and pale, he knelt beside her.

when you showed him the test, he didn’t speak at first. just layed his head against your shoulder. after a long, quiet breath, he whispered, “we'll be okay, it won't happen again baby.”

pregnancy - again - wasn’t perfect. your anxiety sharpened with each passing month. the questions, the what-ifs, the nights lying awake wondering if you’d be enough, if it would happen again.

When your daughter, lena maybank, was born, you cried harder than you ever had — not just from pain, but from awe. lena had her mother’s deep, thoughtful eyes and her father’s blond curls.

jj held her for the first time with hands that used to shake at the thought of being a father. but as he looked down at the tiny child, something in him stilled. “hello, girly,” he whispered. “you look just like me.”

parenthood didn’t erase your's and jj's mental struggles. In fact, it brought some of them to the surface. sleepless nights triggered jj’s old anger - not at anyone, but at the helplessness he sometimes felt. your depression came like a fog you hadn’t expected, even after all your experience.

but now they had language. and tools. and each other.

one evening, after putting lena to bed, jj and you sat on the porch, hands entwined like they always had been. “I never thought we’d make it here,” he whispered.

you kissed the side of his neck. “I did. because I knew we’d keep showing up. that’s what love is. and now we’re teaching her how to do the same.”

you then rested your head on his shoulder, the sound of the ocean in the distance, lena sleeping peacefully inside.

and jj knew, he would never ever be alone again.

[littlepuddingsworld]

Alien stage?? I've heard of it... seems mid... 🙄😒

(PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ITS SO FIRE I SWEAR)

It is good tho, if you don't wanna write it at the end of the day then oh well. However!! If you do write something, i will literally worship you /j /t /all jokes aside, any works are welcome with open arms, just make sure to take care of yourself and be careful on not accidentally overwhelming yourself <33

-panna cotta

𝔐𝔜 𝔖𝔄𝔙ℑ𝔒𝔘ℜ

you are actually so right about everything just... ugh😔😔😔 im okay!!! boo,,,, <3333 im just trying to make that my new hyperfix and coquette up my new bloggie a little, since i don't know how to do aesthetic right at least cheesie bot with me again</3 they ignored my blogs so long uh-huh so its a lucky sight<3 but like!!! i still can't let go of the idea of Luka. I love Ivan, don't get me wrong, but Luka is such a diva.

♡ unhealthy relationship, childhood traumas, bad socialization, mild harassment (probably?), drabble

just imagine that this is a closed weird-ish (unique) child whom you have known since childhood, constantly carrying with you because this is the only one who did not have clique with anyone, and at first he kind of resists, but over time just lets you, even looking for you on his own when there is such an opportunity, because the schedule of study in the garden is very loaded - singing, learning to comprehend death, philosophical teachings about accepting death, singing, gymnastics, singing, eating, studying, individual programs - but you still look for each other when it's time to walk-

always.

indoors, in a closed society in which everyone has been with each other for several years, with an ever-decreasing number of "unsuccessful students" and without the opportunity to get to know each other properly, everyone clings to each other like oxygen, especially when studying becomes more and more stressful, but you always find each other in the dining room in the classroom, in the garden - soon everyone in the garden knows that you are close, even if LUKA sometimes keeps especially aloof when you are in the garden among the flowers, but you don't mind knowing his personality. you're just glad you have him.

a friend.

in an atmosphere in which a little more and you will go crazy, in an atmosphere of isolation and pressure, when you awkwardly grab each other's sleeves, trying to say that you are friends, not even really knowing how to be friends or communicate, since aliens have never treated you the way you want to be treated, to have a cold, submissive, soft, but such a living and breathing LUKA is like having something soft and delicate on your hands, like red flowers, but if the flower is red, then LUKA... LUKA is like the sun.

it's cold, but sometimes it's warm, even if you know it's unrealistic; it's so soft and gentle, even though you can't reach it with your hand. you can reach LUKA with your hand - he does not even resist, on the contrary, he sits closer to you with his sleeve in his mouth.

so silly.

but yours.

huddle closer, like red flowers, trying not to get warm, not to hide, finally closing our eyes, knowing that even closing our eyes, nothing will disappear - but for the first time you are happy about it, feeling the body next to you, so soft and obedient, breathing. even if LUKA doesn't like running, he prefers hide-and-seek, you agree to sit with him. aliens, you're even ready to hide from the whole world during his favorite game, and you're ready to show up if it means they won't realize that LUKE was hiding with you and won't go check this place again! and you're ready to give him food, and you hate seeing him so mildly vulnerable, like even a badly fallen branch (but you know they never fall!) could kill him. LUKE is soft, so gentle, so delicate that when he doesn't move for a long time, you can't help but be afraid that something has happened to him.

LUKA doesn't mind. on the contrary, he hates it when you leave without him, when you have fun without him, when you are with others without him - but you don't mind - is it strange? he has no one but you... and perhaps two more children - and rather encourage him to cling if he feels good. after all, isn't this normal? Who will teach you what is "normal"? LUKA is older and understands this better - he looks up with his eyes, drooling on his sleeve, and you just gently snuggle closer to him so as not to disturb him. he is so gentle and small, even if he is taller than you - when did he become like this? he was always so little...

you do not notice at what point you are really inseparable. his hand is in your hand, he is hanging on you, you are almost wearing him, his shoulder is in your shoulder, he is on your chest, you are on his chest, lying together under a tree, lying with your head on each other's shoulder, cuddling, cuddling another, putting your head on your head - over time, personal space becomes more less and less, both in quantity and in time. he's got his heartbeat under your fingers, your own beating to the beat. LUKA looks at you with his eyes, and although there are no tears in them, you still kiss him on the forehead. it's so disgusting that you can't do anything. it's so frustrating that he doesn't even fight, and even though you realize that it's impossible for you to fight, not in this atmosphere and society, he's like a rag.

... it's so weird when he keeps snuggling up to you - and you to him so you're probably no better - even as you get older. he already looks different, children's cheeks and fat disappear, exposing chiseled elegant features full of some gentle sadness of a luxurious but little-lived butterfly, mixed with longing for something long lost and forgotten, and... sun. some kind of sunstone. there is less of that gentle, childlike softness in him, more like fresh milk, - and more of that silent severity, even sharpness. his face changes, he stretches out, his gaze is no longer the same, he no longer drools, does not look into the distance with the same face, does not cling to you like a lost chick, does not look like someone abandoned and unable to survive on his own, the name of which is spinning in your head, but you can't tell, when he puts his head on your chest, but now it doesn't feel like that. it's still your LUKA, but not your LUKA, and you don't know how to explain it to him, especially when he's still looking up from the bottom, as if thinking about something, but now it seems so... strange and distant.

you are not uncomfortable with his touch or proximity, but seeing him like this seems unfamiliar. his gaze changes, his body changes, he is silent with a completely different meaning, and you realize that he has been through too much - now you are old enough to understand this - but you still do not know what you can say or do. you can no longer protect him, give him a portion, hide him in your hands, promise to always be together, kiss him on the forehead, hide behind bushes so that no one finds you while you huddle together as if for the last time - none of this will work.

and you get even more disgusted - from yourself, from the situation, from him - when he tells you "don't worry. I will protect you. I guarantee your safety." with a direct eye-to-eye look because you don't want protection - you want time back, hiding in the bushes and wet spots on you or on his sleeve from saliva. you want to lie under the trees again, tell him about your day, draw and laugh.

you don't want that.

... you only get the point when you watch some person die on stage, but LUKA doesn't look affected, scared, or shocked.

he's the best of his kind - you know that yourself, everyone know it - but it all looks funny and ridiculous when you don't just see strangers dying, but you see your LUKA on that stage.

and you are disgusted and ashamed that the only thing you are happy about is that you are not this dead man on stage and that you are not LUKA's opponent. because you know that no one has a chance.

... well, almost no one.

HYUNA has been special since childhood, and if you could not expect such a performance from LUKA, then you expect everything from her.

[foreverisntenough]

Fie’s Unsolicited Soliloquy

[I didn’t edit this so please ignore any errors or anything I didn’t articulate well ]

⸻

I know people likely will won’t read all of this but in any case, first, please know this isn’t a complaint or a cry for attention—just me trying be open and attempt to put words to the quiet weight I’ve been carrying.

(I also know I’ll inevitably get the usual array of messages saying this is more word salad, hate, calling me soft, unappreciative etc etc.. all the things nestled neatly in my inbox I try my best to ignore and not share with you all- but if you feel that way, please just do me a favor and keep moving because I’m in a really bad space atm)

Even so, I don’t know why I’m writing this at all to be even honest. —maybe because silence is starting to feel too loud, or because pretending I’m okay is starting to hurt more than admitting I’m not when I haven’t felt okay in a long, long time. Both on and offline. Maybe it’s also because I know it’s not what people ever want to read from me. But that’s kind of the point. I feel more like a generator than a human.

I want to be very clear—genuinely, wholeheartedly—I’m grateful for anyone who takes the time to read, to engage, to care. To connect with me. I see it. I feel it. And it means more than you probably know. This is not intended to dismiss the joy and love I have for you. And please know this is not accusatory nor a plea for all audiences. Because whether it’s 1 person or 10, i love you all for making me feel less alone. Like I said, this is merely just a rambling for a glance inside my mind and heart.

It’s not new but lately, I feel like an anchor rotting at the bottom of the ocean— not holding anything steady, feeling forgotten until someone wants something from me and reels me back up only to be tossed back in the water. It feels isolating despite the hours I spend trying to find connection. And this is likely my fault.

I try to write. To escape. To share work for people who might enjoy it but I often feel alone as the writer in opposition to a reader. To no one’s fault. I know I can never make everyone happy and that’s okay. But I try really hard to listen to my readers. I feel alone, like I’m a machine pliable to wishes and wants. I try so hard and to show up on my blog for my readers, for anyone . And sometimes I just hope maybe, someone will notice the part of me behind the words, the efforts, the human wanting connection.

I just know how easy it would be to disappear quietly. That thought follows me everywhere—soft, shadowed, familiar. I wonder if anyone would notice if I stopped. It appears in my life online / and offline. Not because people don’t care, but maybe because I’ve been naive, avoidant, accepting I’m just not going enough so I end up upsetting people for not doing what they want and when I do, I get nothing in return. I just almost feel invisible some days

I don’t blame anyone. It’s my work and it likely doesn’t merit the community or response I wish it did. I just don’t know how to be louder than my silence. I post and post, hours and hours of work, polish my words, pretending I’m fine. No one sees the mess behind the screen—the trembling hands, the quiet spiral, the days I forget how to be a person. I don’t want praise. I just want to feel real. Seen. Like I might matter even when I’m not packaging a narrative into something beautiful in the way people want to read like a machine made it.

Im feeling really depressed and discouraged. I feel I’m screaming into a room full of people who don’t hear me. And maybe that’s on me. Maybe I’ve made it too easy to miss. Maybe the work doesn’t merit a response. And that’s fair. It just all feels like I’m pathetic standing in static. That something I write might make someone pause but instead I’m met with an illusion of connection. That I’d matter—like Fie, not for reading in silence, but for the truth I’ve bled into these words.

I try really hard to run this blog—show up with words, to create something that matters. But it’s hard when I feel so I invisible and irrelevant.

Like I could vanish behind the screen and no one would even notice. Because someone else would fill the space It’s strange, the loneliness of being seen by many, but known by none. Like I could disappear behind a post—fade out behind my own words—There’s a particular ache in that, being digitally present but emotionally erased. Some would scroll past the absence like it was just another quiet day.

I remind myself to that It’s not a big deal. It’s only a blog after all. And while that’s true, my hurt is just as true.

I love to write, still, there’s a hollow ache I can’t seem to shake, a quiet question of whether I matter beyond delivering for others. I hope this doesn’t come across as a whiny complaint, rude, or a disregard for those that do support so often. I just feel really alone and it’s starting to take a toll on me.

If you’re reading this, thank you. I’m really trying to still be i’m here.

Please— take care of yourself. Even if it’s ugly. Even if no one notices. Even if you think no one cares. I do. Or maybe I just wish someone would.

[movedtoadifferentspace]

i shifted last night for the first time in 2 years. . .

MOVED TO @kodtheshiftinggodd !

📌 — QUICK RUNDOWN OF MY SHIFTING JOURNEY

umm so i started on shifttok ( unfortunately) back in like november of 2021, i was shifting to naruto. during like 2021-2022 i had experienced a lot of shifts, ranging from weird realities i didn’t plan on going to, only being there for a few moments, not realizing i was there even though i was there for over an hour, and literally shifting while doing dishes. 🧍

sometime in like the summer of 2022 i stopped shifting doing to being in a relationship with this really cringy dude… who like thought i would disappear out of thin air… if i shifted… ( and some shifttok drama that i got brought into, that’s a whole other story if you wanna hear that, the rundown is i got randomly outcasted bc i had BPD and autistic traits ( literally what they said ) ) yeah not my finer moment. anyways, i also just lost a lot of motivation for it. i still hated this reality but i don’t know, shifting just, idk. it took me just a few months ago to realize that the shifttok mean girls who outcasted me, made me feel like i didn’t deserve to shift in some way. ( when i realized that, i realized how fucking stupid that was )

and so i’ve been really reevaluating my journey, spent a lot of time of shiftblr instead of shifttok, even started my own discord to get rid of misinfo!!! which by the way shiftblr has helped me change my mindset SO MUCH! like i’ve been literally a ghost on here but i adore ya’ll so much !!and basically i feel really confident about shifting. i’ve shifted every time i tried, even though it was a very short shift, i have been practicing manifestation, LOA, & meditation and yeah here we are !

🐇 — THE SHIFT ITSELF

so i read something last night on shiftblr, it’ll be linked here, i already was/am in the mindset of “if i try to shift i’m going to fucking shift” like it doesn’t matter to me anymore, i’m doing it. instead of trying every night, i’ve been focused on trying on weekends when i have no responsibilities and such. though throughout this week i have been practicing my meditation/reaching the void state. SO i saw that post and honestly… i wasn’t really like looking to shift, it was a very impromptu thing. i put on a subliminal [ the one i used ] and i went to bed. i was thinking about one my alt realities a better cr though i hate the term better cr where i live in Oregon, and I am a tattoo apprentice, Levi Ackerman from AOT is the one I am apprenticing for. this is really based on me learning how to tattoo and not having to spend time with the AOT cast while also fighting titans and save the world. while that is great, I wanted something chill SO YEAH. I fell asleep to thinking about that… and I shifted. not to that reality but a weird parallel/version of it?

I did this with my first ever shift too. it was almost like a dreamlike reality, but only subtly. soooo I did reality checks.. and it for sure wasn’t a dream. I lived in the apartment above the shop ( which isn’t what i scripted ) and I went down and just went to work with Levi, Hange, and Zeke. I was really on edge though, like “omg i shifted” “i’m literally talking to Levi wtf” like i had no time to process or ground myself so i ended up coming back. but yeah. that’s what happened and i’m determined to get to this ALT reality. ( not in a rushed way, but a ‘i know im going to get there soon’ way )

anyways, that’s my first ever shiftblr post ahhh xxxx

creds to @jolynesmom for their post that i found

ALSO ANY TIPS WILL BE WONDERFUL, i’m literally always looking for things to improve my journey <3 or new things to try at least

happy shifting <3

[slowburningechoes]

hii, i apologise in advance for this being a very long message and do not feel compelled to read it, as it is a lot of writing

I just really want to thank you for posting all of this stuff because as weird as it sounds Robert is kind of the only reason for my happiness these last few months, and i am so so so appreciative... i listen to the selected shorts when i go to sleep LOL so thank you so much for uploading all this stuff

im also so happy for you to meet him, he is so so sweet, as well as you being so sweet when you met him, and as an artist it makes me really happy to see him love your watercolours which were BEAUTIFUL by the way

im 16 and live in the uk, so i was heartbroken when i couldnt come fly to america to see betrayal. but to be honest seeing everyone meet him and seeing how kind he is has cheered me up!! i just really hope hell do another play someday and im worried he wont do another one again or for a while, but at the end of the day i just want him to be happy so ill be pleased no matter what

also, thank you in advance if youre still uploading the audiobooks into mp3s, i love his voice so much!!! i have bridge to terabithia on CD which is the only one i could get in the uk LOL so i am so excited to hear more thank u so much!!!!

i just wanted to share my love for him, and tell you how thankful i am for your posts : )

(ps i dont know how tumblr works so im sorry if ive sent this wrong, or given you loads of notifications for sharing your posts.....)

oh, this just made my entire week!!! thank you for this sweet message.

first off — no need to apologize! I adore reading any drop in my inbox, no matter how brief or long!

secondly — you are so welcome. your expression about RSL being one of the only things to bring you joy lately is not weird at all. it’s honestly very relatable. these past few months have also been difficult for me in numerous ways. there is so comforting about his work, his voice, and his overall presence that is difficult to explain to someone who doesn’t understand — but i definitely do!!!

i am so glad that seeing our interactions from Betrayal brought you some happiness. i’ve said this before but i really tried to bring all the love for him from across the world and give it to him. i wish everyone could’ve been there and gets the opportunity to see/meet him at least once! i felt very honored to have that opportunity, so i tried to communicate just how loved he is around the globe! (i’ll keep my fingers crossed you get to come see him in a show one day — or that he makes his way back over across the pond! you never know!) i hope he’s taking time to rest and spend time with his girls, but doesn’t disappear entirely for too long!

thank you for your kind words about my artwork! they were truly a labor of love. i remember bringing up making them to @ridethecyanide as a bit of a hypothetical, but i am so glad i went through with making them. he is such a genuine soul with such a warm heart, it felt so nice to try to give back some of the happiness he has brought to myself and so many. his reaction and our interaction in general was more than i ever hoped for!!!🥹

i am definitely still planning to convert the physical copies of audiobooks i have to mp3 files to share with you all very soon! i have to get over this last hump with dissertation, but know that they ARE coming!! likely sometime in the summer.

i agree! his voice is so smooth and wonderful, i could listen to him talk and narrate for hours. i love hearing him do different accents and tones within them. my southern heart adores his attempts at country twang, like when he voices the mother in bridge to terabithia! it’s adorable.

thank you again for dropping this in my inbox!!! i am so touched my content has helped spark some joy in your life. i hope more happiness comes your way soon!! and if you still need an RSL fix, there is much more to come on my end, love. <3

[luckybitch1]

since ive been back home i try to get along with my mom but i cant. we just dont get along. when i go out with her i try not to speak or to show any emotion, it just happens naturally. i go out with her to make her happy and to do the right thing i guess knowing that she wont be around forever. i have this perspective that the past is the past i know why we cant have a relationship and i just dont hold it against her anymore because i dont know. i just stopped. i realized one day she is who she is and i really cant control that or that i was born to her and not someone else, somewhere else. it feels surreal sometimes because i tried so hard to run away and erase all of it. to be honest i wanted to erase myself and disappear. i wished i was someone else. i dont know what i wish now.

it will feel so good when i move away again and i hope this time around i truly will find home somewhere else with someone. but for now i dont have a choice. im trying to be responsible and not to hastily act out of fear again. i want to do things responsibly, do things above board and trust my gut even though its going to take longer than if i just got another service job, saved as much as i can, and left to get another service job. you could say im being pragmatic since this way i have options for a while longer and can pursue graduate school again, this time what i actually want to do with what i know now about making a living. again not just out of escapism like last time. my perspective was so different. i wanted to just burn out like a star out of loneliness and despair. now i want a life..

it makes me lonely to be here. ive been so lonely forever, i come from a hostile house full of lonely people, a lonely family, all i ever knew was hate and isolation. its root rot. i miss my little dog and i dont want to lose anything else

when i was going to sleep last night because i wasnt distracting myself on purpose my mind just wandered into my feelings and thats the key i found this month, my loneliness. i see how it weighs me down and makes me sick and crazy. i see how it tortures my father. i see my mothers guilt and denial and i want to turn away

its not supposed to be this serious all the time. the only reason it all feels so awful is because im surrounded by loneliness and have been for far too long. when you find light it touches every corner and the shadows are nothing but depth in the picture

i wish i didnt keep my head bowed. i wish i didnt feel anxious and sad around my mother, i wish i could be above it. but i just dont connect with her and when im around her, i feel so drained and tired, it shows even in my eyes. once it was so simple to just leave and never look back but now i cant ignore the guilt i feel because i pity them both, whether or not they deserve it. my soul is wasting away the longer im here. how do i preserve myself until i can go? and how do i go without feeling death closing in on my life like an unwatched pot boiling over

im trying but its not good enough. im not energetic, im not clever, im not focused. im dragging a burden im too weak to shoulder and all i can think is though i cant face this alone i cant reach out i just dont want to everyone in this whole world is a stranger to me and i dont want to be touched.

its a nice cool day. my dog is in the grass listening to the wind. theres no one in this house but me, him and in another room, my mother

[maevstar]

tw: venting, anxiety

I think all I’m doing now here is vent lol. I’ve kinda been distant from this account, I just lost a bit of the motivation abt shifting (ofc I didn’t gave up or anything, shifting exists) but there’s a lot of things in my personal life that are really getting into me and I’m so tired.

When I created this account I was so invested into it, and to me here was a really safe place to share my things, but in my cr I’ve been so anxious abt things in my life that I became distant from here, and I hate that I did that

I’m so so tired of here, I just wanna disappear sometimes, I’m not suicidal or anything, but I just wanted a break from my life yknow? Like when you get aware of the “void” state, and you are just pure consciousness, I just wanna get pure consciousness and forget abt here

I feel anxious all the time and I feel like I don’t have anyone to count on, school is killing me and I skipped so many classes that I feel the most dumb and stupid person ever, and every time someone asks abt it I hold on the urge to break down.

I really want to get motivated abt shifting but all I do is cry and it’s terrible cause idk why im like this, I think im getting a bit depressed and I don’t know exactly what to do, I’m young and I hate to see people of my age happy and living their lives normally knowing that im far from that rn

I feel so tired that I don’t want to do anything, I don’t feel motivated enough to do anything, and my mom says that I can’t cry cause I’m not the only person on earth who suffers over anxiety, but tbh this doesn’t make it better

I really wanted comfort from my friends but they don’t seem to care, or don’t seem to care enough to be worried or something. It’s not like i wanna worry anyone, but i just wish I had someone who cares abt me the way i care abt the ones i love. I hate when i try to talk to my friend and she changes the topic, I feel like a burden

I think I’m gonna start being more active on this account cause when I was active I was so motivated and even happy, was so nice and I want that back

I think nobody is gonna read this but since it’s my blog I just wanted to share this, making it sorta of a diary (btw I’m probably deleting this when I wake up)

[oncamelliastreet]

depression rant <3

idk sometimes i would like for just one thing in my life to go well. like literally not even my playlist is working right now. 700 songs off of my 1200 song playlist i listen to everyday disappeared so i have to make a new one. and the new one is only showing up on my phone, not my ipad. and i can’t fix it.

and as much as i wish he was, i really don’t think my crush is into me too. i don’t think im likeable. im not pretty enough to attract anyone (girls aren’t even in the picture at school because it’s literally a catholic school in the midwest everybody is homophobic and guys either chose the prettier girls or date someone outside of our school). and even if i was attractive i don’t think my personality is enough. i’m too quiet and anxious at first for anyone to stick around and get to know me. there will always be someone better in comparison. and yk what even if i did manage to find someone who liked me back they would probably leave the second they found out im really not comfortable with having sex any time soon (if ever) at all. i’m just gonna die alone with my dogs while my sisters live their happy lives with their families.

and none of my friends even care about me outside of school. they talk to me when i’m in their classes but outside of school i’m not getting invited anywhere. and when i do get invited somewhere, like to hang out at my “best friends” house for example, her neighbor she’s friends with conveniently is coming over and she couldn’t figure out how to say no so they’re just talking the whole time and i’m just there in the background. or i’ll try to make plans and then they’ll cancel on me 30 minutes before they’re supposed to show up 4 times in a row. because their’s always something better to do.

and my head hurts all of the time and i went to a neurologist for it but i basically have to try a bunch of pills that almost definitely won’t work before i can get to the stuff most likely to be effective because the stuff that will probably help is more expensive and my insurance won’t cover it if i haven’t tried the stuff that won’t work and is cheaper. and i had a headache all day during my family gathering for my moms birthday because i used a shampoo that smelled a little bit and i felt like throwing up from it, and my mom had to wash my hair over the sink like a baby half way through the day because it was so intolerable.

and on top of that i couldn’t even get my mom a good present for her birthday because i dont have a job to be able to afford anything and i couldn’t go shopping with what little money i have because i dont have a drivers liscence and none of my siblings live close to home anymore so i had nobody to take me shopping. so everybody got her a really nice and thoughtful present and i got her fucking flowers because that’s the shitty daughter i am i guess.

and my dog has had a lot of spine issues because she’s a hot dog and they’re really prone to back injuries. and she’s been acting really weird the last week and i’m worried she’s gonna get hurt for like the 7th time. and it feels like nobody but me and my mom take it seriously because my older sisters will pick her up like it’s no problem even though every time she gets picked up a lot she gets hurt some time soon after. and my fucking grandma invited her to jump up on the couch when nobody was paying attention (she absolutely cannot jump on couches for the rest of her life, every time she does she gets SUPER injured) but i couldn’t say anything because she’s an old lady so i was just on the edge of a panic attack the entire day even though i just wanted to yell at her because she completely ignored us EVERY time she comes to visit. literally every time she’s here my dog ends up jumping on a couch and is hurt and crying in her bed unable to move days later. and it seems like im the only one who cares.

and on top of that it’s now one in the morning and i have to be up in 5 hours to take the psat which im gonna fail because im horrible at standardized testing and theyre online now which means i really can’t focus at all and im just a lost cause.

i give up trying atp.

[edible-star-soup]

“how can i feel so much love for everyone around me but its not romantic”

“How can I feel so much for people but every time I think it’s romantic I don’t actually like them and I’m just delusional”

“oh”

“Yours must suck so bad. I can’t even imagine loving and feeling things for people but it never being romantic. I do like people on the infatuation level sometimes but because I analyze them so in depth there’s always something that icks me out. I don’t think I’ve ever really loved someone tho. I’m a firm believer in if you loved them you wouldn’t fall out of love with them. You can move on, but you’ll always love them.”

“we are so different”

“why?”

“just our beliefs and experiences”

“oh”

“maybe you need to stop analyzing things that are only there for you, see what theyre showing, instead of what you think you see”

“No I analyze what they’re showing. Cause when you ignore your instincts that’s when you get hurt.”

“oh”

“i dont go like psycho crazy in depth like learn their every aspect to analyze them. Just like the orange peel theory”

“the what?”

“You ask them if they’ll peel an orange for you, If they say yes, even if with hesitation, it shows that they will put effort in. If they straight up say no or make excuses, it shows they don’t wanna put effort in because that’s your job. Anyways I don’t know how to explain my thinking but like I don’t analyze everything. Like ofc there’s people that are date material I just don’t like them. Cause everyone has mistakes so yknow. It’s not like every little mistake or imperfection matters but”

“ill never get you”

“ill never get me either. Maybe i should just mess around and have fun kissing everybody like you do”

“idk man i guess i just feel like maybe im falling behind, i feel so much for so many people and i want to love them like a lover would and make them feel happy like a lover would, and i feel bad knowing that everyone will always have someone that will make them happier than i do. no matter what i do about it, i cant love them like they want. and its worse because someone will put into words all they want in someone to love and ill be everything they list but i just, cant love them”

“oh”

“no because i feel romance i fall in love with everything around me all the time and i know what its like to want and to love and be loved but its just not a romance like how others perceive it. i have so much feeling for absolutely everything, but its just not what somebody wants to be with, because i cant love them like they want, but i do.”

“I don’t know how to explain how I feel, I like people and there are people that I would date if given a chance but I don’t like them. I don’t desire to be with anyone but I crave romance. I don’t like people very often but on occasion I do, But I don’t wanna do anything about it because I’d rather sit with my feelings than lose that one ray of hope”

“oh my god were different”

“yeah were different”

“i think everytime we talk personally we get more and more different, or just find more differences”

“Like there’s nobody I want romantically but I WANT a love life. And when I do want someone I can’t do anything about it cause the only time I feel human is when I like someone and I don’t like not feeling human. i just float around. like a damn jellyfish. But when I like someone I feel like I exist. So I can’t do anything about it because if and when they say they don’t like me back they’ll disappear and I’ll be inhuman again. i dont know how to explain it better than that. i just want to feel man. Like ofc I occasionally feel real. But most things just don’t feel real at all.”

“i promise theres more humanity in you than just your feelings for others, if that helps”

[tommies-stinky-paws]

ayo source memories rambling

maaaaan i miss my brothers and phil

we got other dsmp and mcyt introjects but we never got anyone else from my specific source, i get so lonely

me and tubbo were really close especially, i miss him the most, techno used to take us out hunting all the time, i was such a shit shot lol but tubs was really good, like it was crazy how fast he caught onto what techno showed him

techno wasnt really around a lot, he always had smth or other to do but he always came home for dinnertime and on sundays, no matter what, he was the best cook outta all of us

phil was alright but he was distant- more like a friend than a dad really, like ik he was my dad but it just didnt feel like it a lot of the time? unless he was having one of his protective moments or was worried over smth

he did a good job of keeping us safe but will was more of a parental figure than phil ever was

will was the one handling the budget n shit like that, making sure me n tubs were home on time, taking us to the doctor if we needed it, getting us to school, keeping the house clean, shit like that, even after he had a kid of his own to look after

he practically raised me and tubbo and phil was js kinda- occasional babysitter when whill was too busy, only enforcing rules will set in place, never setting his own

it was weird until me n tubbo started being allowed to go out more on our own, it was weird to compare our family to what other kids had

i miss my brothers a lot more than i miss phil and i feel kinda bad for that sometimes when im really thinking about them

uh

will used to read to us, me n tubbo, that was one of my favourite memories of him

my favourite memory of techno is hunting with him and his cooking and my favourite memory of will is him reading to us at the end of the day

we didnt uh- have any actual books but will would start stories and let me n tubs decide how they went and write them down every night

he kept them in a chest in his room when wed finished them, i used to go through it and reread them, sometimes i read to tubbo too

that was really fun

i dont really like to think about the fighting, i like those earlier days when we were still a happy whole family

when im feeling bad or having a rough day, sometimes ill just kinda sit and thingk about those memories until it feels like im back there, ill go off on my own and just think about my brothers until it feels like theyre here with me and ill imagine talking to them until im feeling better

tubbo was always a really good listener

i have one friend whos a lot like my tubbo, im so grateful to have her as a friend

we have our techno, though he disappeared recently, we have quinn, our will, we have forrest and cloud, our tubbo and another tommy, we have calypso, our niki, and i feel bad that i miss my family with all them around

i also feel bad for missing my family because we still have the body's family, its js- they dont know me- theyre not the same

its kinda crazy seeing the similarities between my friend and my tubbo actually, i think thats why it was so hard for me to listen when our techno had wanted me to end my friendship with him? because thats the closest thing i have to my brother

maybe its bad to compare real ppl to source memories-

maybe its wrong to miss people who- didnt really exist?

[brilliantfantasticgeronimo]

66.7512 meters episode!!!

i think i broke his heart! oh well!!!! ÑLKÑLK ruby y are u so happy about this all the time skfljdks1 (waiting for the karmic writing where someone breaks *her* heart....). tbh also very doctor-like. they are *so* unhinged

i was looking for some Spin-off foreshadowing in this war between land and sea business but best i've got is that... it will probably be set in wales ksdlfj

nuclear war is hilarious. fiften u are not all right.

That's the most bizarre "circle" ive ever seen. if anything is the orthogonal projection of a geodesic dome.

"A pee around the back"…….. dr pee foreshadowing

AESOP #1: children, when u are doing "off the road tourism", don't disturb sacred sites

susan twist's "thing" is just gonna be: "take revenge from being killed so many times". like she's just red-shirting all over the place (maybe it's gonna be a bit of meta commentary of the high body count of this show? that it's all for our sadistic pleasure but doesn't always have real significance skfldj)

I guess inflation is a recurring theme this season?

liminal spaaaace

"and then there's the blood""w-what blood?" i laughed ngl sksksk

the different color fonts in iplayer are a bit distracting tbh…...

ah yes. welsh racism...

hmmm… runy sitting in the chair... to wait in front of the tardis... "The one who waits?"

Thats' what men do skdksk love me some "Intergalactic fuck boy" subtext being voice and made text

Poor ruby ):

it's about the [metaphor for being stigmatized]!!!

Ohh the doctor was the first to disappear by the curse, maybe?

"even ur real mother didnt want u" Bro this monster is so mean wtf Kate!!!

AGAINST HIM, SOMETIMES!!!!!!!!! Antagonist kate be coming!!!

"well, that's classified"

This timeline might be suspended along ur event???

WE INVENT THE RULES AND MAKE THEM WORK!!! THEMES!! YOU HAVE TO COUNT EVERY GRAIN OF SALT!!! IT'S THE GAME THEME CONNECTING TO THE SUPERSTITION THEME!!!!!!!!

theeeemes

the more unit gets competent the more sinister they become

her going "cheers!" to her personal satan. i love u ruby

FUCK YEAH. ICON. GO KILL THE PRIME.MINISTER

...only guys in ruby's little montage ]: im heartbroken T.T rip the x5 times wlw companions streak dream it seems

"except the bed thing that was u" narrator voice: it wasnt

"Which is what?" KILL THE PM KILL THE PM DO IT ICON

Rtd connected to the universe skskdk oh beautiful synergy

[also literally how Y&Y starts... ]

"No more" feels loaded/intentional here, considering how it's been used before as an Important Phrase is War's arc.

the emo advisor guy intrigues me

Ruby having to solve this whole thing + cold war vibes.... mmm very ace coded

[lol @ soc dem / liberal writers being so scared of "populism" and "the dumbness of crowds". peak soc dem / liberal] [what is a "political allegory story" by a soc dem without the punchline being that "I think The People are really fucking Stupid actually"] [i do enjoy the side point of british politicians being so desperate for relevancy that they fire nuclear missiles for the fun of it. yeah… that tracks]

[lol becoming independent from nato being a bad thing. lol #"fucklybia!!"#signed:thisepisode]

the directing is very fun in this

Ruby get on your feets and make it happen

She's gonna say u forgot to say hi to this lady

ruby's asking to be shot again sksks

Iris u say…........ eyes emoji

[ok but also. lol not to go " ah, peak liberal again!" but lol. this resolution is peak liberal [ie. fundamentally antidemocratic, a few 1% technocrats (obvs, privileged and from the global north) with the answers "know what's best"]. this lad may have been crazy but they voted for him for a reason that "the system" wasnt providing.but in typical soc dem fashion they can't ever fight the fascists on The Real Deal ie. strength of a proposed political project + material gains resulted from those political projects + committing to real system change, so they have to scramble for antidemocratic solutions like [timey wimey prisons] to ""fight facism""" (ie not fighting it at all and by proxy, just making the fucking cockroaches stronger each "election cycle" because they can't fight them in a meaningful, political sense) bc the people are just too stupid!!! and this is why democracy was a mistake!!!!!!! ... sigh rtd. oh well good thing i didn't expect more on this front tbh sdlkjfdsd in that sense the s1-s4 rewatch prepared me well lol]

clara vibes in this ep in a lot of moments (old!ruby, sort of "mausoleum tardis", etc)

"i didnt travel with him long..." "but it felt like a lifetime" became literal…

"Everyone has abandoned me my whole life" T_T

AESOP #2: kids u are never alone <3 u always have ur inner demons :) and the unrelenting spectra of death~

There's always something a bit unsatisfying about self closing paradoxes... kinda like "oh it was all a dream so it didnt matter". but i think in this one it was crunchy enough with other things that i think it was balanced.

Very turn left-y ending! CONCLUSIONS!! people kept saying in the press this episode was gonna be "super scary" tbh i just found it.... profoundly sad sdxkljflkfj ruby's life just *screams* "missing the important bits by focusing on the unimportant" and "obsessing over things that don't matter" and "companion becomes detached from real life to the point they become super unhinged and callous" ("im sorry i couldn't help you marti")

(c+p some stuff i put on a discord): tbh i rolled my eyes at the political stuff but i don't think im even mad about it this time lol (too tired irl to get properly angry at doctor who these days ig)

anyway i dont think the political stuff is what it was really "about". i found this story very moving on what it was (imo) rlly about: ruby's fear and experience of being abandoned and also the general "fear of approaching death"

and obvs a bit of other emotional beats that are more specific to doctor who's long running stories: like the doctor "always does this" ie leaves everyone of his friends behind and there's the lingering tragedy that this will happen, as well, to ruby inevitably, then also both ruby and the doc becoming 'detached' from real life (ruby basically never investing anything in those relationships w/ those guys bc she was 'absorbed' by this mystery /clearly a parallel to her being absorbed by her parental origin) and also how tourists cant watch where they step / the doctor and co arent always respectful to the 'silly traditions' of the places they visit (tbh excellent bc to overcome my "this show has the white man's burden' engraved in its dna" meta... the show is gonna have to keep making story like and like Demons of Punjab for at least 3 more decades lol) (basically tldr i think it fumbled the politics stuff but it was rlly crunchy where it mattered. also, ....... i think this pretty much confirms that ruby isn't her own mother / the person who let herself at the door step in Christmas, right??? like rtd had said was the short story he had concocted years ago, and was the insp for this... but he kinda used up that trick here… so it must be something/someone else, right?) (another thing: ruby going "i used to be able to make it snow" made smth click....... ---> if ruby's whole focus rn seems to be about "the mystery", and this quest seems to be not only something she *needs* but also something that like... means joy and adventure, and traveling with the doctor... when she finds out the Truth,,, that probably means all the whimsy in her life will go away? (so she may come to a point where she Doesn't want to know Actually (which would be very "thirteen regretting throwing away the watch" realness mirror again)

[slayingqueenchal]

Lost. | loak x f!human!reader, platonic!neteyam x f!human!reader

Warnings : slight hint of mutualinsecurities, you can breathe without a mask, mean loak, angst angst angst! AGED UP!!!

Slight summary : basically reader gets insecure, because of tsireya, neteyam comforts you but loak gets jealous and everything just goes wrong (don't worry, happy ending)

You could see it in his eyes. When a girl walks by. Her beautiful hair, big doe eyes, her body shape, and the way she talks.

"What's wrong, kiddo? " Neteyam asks. What's wrong? What's wrong? Everything.

You two sat on the big rock, as neteyam waited for you to reply. "I don't know, net, something just feels off".

"What is it, darling? " The older brother asked you. Suddenly, a burst of tears came out of your eyes. "Oh c'mere, y/n..what is it? " Neteyam hugs you close. "You know how I feel about your brother, and how sometimes he could be.. An asshole, but I just-", " Oh what did he do this time? " Neteyam sighed, drawing circles on your back.

"I feel stupid, for liking him. I'm not even one of you! I'm no na'vi, I'm a human who was lucky enough to be given this ability to breathe your air, I'm different! Your mother doesn't like me, loak hates me, and the only person I'm truly close with is you! ", " My dear, y/n, I can talk to him to be less rude, I can talk to my mother, just dont-dont be so harsh to yourself "

"Loak screamed at me the other day, called me ugly, and other mean words, ". You remembered it vividly.

As the sun sets, you walked to the sully's. Only to find out there's only loak. "Hey, loak, I brought you some food" You put it on the small table.

"thanks" He said, not even looking at you. "Are you okay, loak? " You said, looking at his demeanor. "No" Loak replied. "I'm here if you want to tal-"

"Will you just stop it! Stop all of this 'I'm nice' facade! You know what I don't even know why you're here! You're so--youre such a bitch honestly, all you do is stalk other people and cry when they don't like it, it's ugly you know? It really is fucking weird! And you try so hard to be cute, it's really not working, you're not tsireya! " The boy screamed at you. You immediately cried, running out of the tent. "Wait, y/n, sweet heart, wait! " The boy screamed, but by then you were gone.

"He- he called me a bitch, then have the guts to call me sweetheart afterwards, and I've been thinking of just.. Just leaving this place, you know? " You sobbed, "no you wont, you won't leave this place, we can fix this" Neteyam said.

"I hope"

Unbeknownst to you, loak saw you hugging neteyam. Even though he couldn't hear what you were saying, it was over for him. Neteyam always gets everything he wants.

"Loak? " A fierce voice said. "What do you want from me, neteyam? Had an amusing day with your girlfriend? " Loak scoffed, looking him straight in the eyes.

"I'm not with y/n, but, loak, I know everything. You like the girl, why are you so rude to her? " Getting a reply " Rude? I'm saving her so she won't date a guy like me! ".

"Loak, you're hurting her. The poor girl hates herself now, you called her a bitch" Neteyam walked closer "I wanted to say sorry, but ever since.. That day she just sort of disappeared."

"You're slowly losing her, loak, she has been thinking of going far away from here, and you can fix this, just please try to, be soft to here, alright? You can do it, I just need to guide you a little bit" Neteyam spoke.

"Y/n? Y/n! Here you are! " Loak said, chasing you. "What do you want, lo? " You sassed, walking away. "Y/n, please wait" Loak grabbed your wrist, his strength forcing you to stay.

"Im sorry", " That's it?, you're sorry, okay, Apology accepted " You scoffed. "No, love, I'm truly sorry, I've been mean to you and for what? I'm so sorry, sweetheart just, please, i-. nga yawne lu oer! Y/n I love you! " He said. The boy never sounded this desperate. Ever.

"I appreciate that, and you know, I love you, but you can't just expect me to let you In my heart! Those mean words doesn't just go away! " You talked back. "Please give me a chance, please give us a chance! " He cried.

You considered it. "Loak. If I give us a chance, please don't act like this, like you hate me, please don't", " I won't, love, I won't, please-" But, you cut him off saying "loak, may I kiss you? ".

He stood there, frozen, "yes, of course you can" He said, lowering himself, and yet you still had to tippy-toe yourself.

"I've wanted to do that for a very long time" He said.

And since then, every thing was all good.

[dayurno]

more than a woman is the ultimate kevin day song to me……. im so glad you agree…… i knew you would understand. i was listening to that playlist the other day and realized i HADNT added it yet and it felt like an oversight so i had to fix it immediately. it was very important to me the whole playlist wasn’t sad. i stsrted my kevin playlist in the height of me losing my mind about him last year in july (i read the books for the first time at the end of may!) but it only made me crazier so i held off making the jean one until november LOL. his is def a little more sad but i think a good portion of the songs are hopeful :-) and YEAH jean is soooo hozier to me. i gave myself a limit on how many hozier songs i could add. it will probably be broken eventually

UR PINTEREST BOARD that fic is going to kill me. im so excited every time you share something about it…. the dynamics seem so fun ^-^ also the richard siken tweet in there Took me Out. i own and have read crush by him so many times like it’s such a big part of who i am and relating that to kerejean makes me. sbdjebx. sweating. nauseous. so excited. the vibes are so good, it feels very nostalgic and warm already….. btw your jean playlist hit me over the head and gave me a.Concussion. i wanna get better???!?! under the table???? OOM SHA LA LA? that song changed my brain chemistry like three years ago and im going to associate it with him forever now. your kevjean playlist being so long is so very real too….. i need to sit down and listen to the full nine hours of it.

DBSIDBSID. the kandrew beef is Personal and it’s so funny. i am working on making them get closer it just takes a lot of time bc andrew simply does not like to stick around. he comes to a sort of truce with them at some point, mostly after he and jean have a Talk alone, but he still doesn’t like kevin for a while. there IS side andreil tho…. neil is 26 :3 he comes to visit kevjean in paris for a bit and immediately causes problems. but the problems help them get their shit together so it’s fine! andrew is of course intrigued. most of it happens in the background tho bc they like to disappear together…… but neil actually ends up in foster care and gets adopted by wymack when he’s around 13, which is around the same age andrew is adopted and meets jeremy, so they understand each other still :) they do a lot of sneaking around and do not want their relationship perceived at all vs jeremy knox head of the PDA committee and very happy for his own friend finding love.

the biting…….. jeremy falls somewhere in the middle of the spectrum but he does suffer from the most intense feelings of love anyone has ever felt and will latch on like a dog and not let go sometimes. it really depends on his mood and what they’re doing how hard he bites ^-^ jean almost never complains but kevin always does. as is how they are. and they really both love attacking kevin. sitting there biting at his neck and shoulders and jean in particular likes gnawing on the wrist bone. jeremy is only a few inches shorter than kevin but will not hesitate to push him around….. dreamy sigh. at first he’s very nervous about overstepping Anything around either of them but once he knows that they actually like him he becomes such a menace. it’s his life’s duty to make kevin day, his childhood celebrity crush, a little embarrassed and whiny. both he and jean are soooo happy to tease kevin and kevin complains constantly about being ganged up on. jeremy is actually still IN college too, he turns 23 toward the beginning of the fic (i. hc him as a cancer!) and he and andrew have their fifth year to get through so he’s really just some college kid nibbling on and picking on them and taking over their apartment. trust that jean gets teased too he wouldn’t want anyone left out!

JEANFO….. jean….. my apple strudel….. there is so much i could say about him but it feels hard to do him justice…… he really is so special. he’s a little more healed of course bc he’s 28 and has always had kevin keeping contact with him. kevin got out at 14 so jean was there for 6 years without him and it’s really. it’s not a good time for him. but kevin refuses to lose contact and even sneaks across state lines to see him at 16 when he gets his license (with 14yo neil). jean has always had something to hold onto and live for. so jean is doing okay……. he still struggles and he’s very stubborn so he would rather AVOID things and kevin isn’t the kind of person who’s going to push him to face them (kevin has his own things to avoid) but he gets a good push from jeremy. and he LOVESSSS keremy. it’s one of his greatest joys that the two people he loves most care about each other the way they do. he’s so obsessed with them and so excited to show them off when they get together with friends. he’s really a little bit of a clingy freak :-) ESPECIALLY if he gets drunk. he’s a very needy drunk and if someone doesn’t kiss him (or if he doesn’t get to bite) his whole night is ruined and they certainly can’t have that. he learns quickly he cannot keep up with jeremy Party Boy knox tho. he’s a silly guy <3 sooo bitchy to everyone outside of his boyfriends but tender with them…. they’re trusted with his girlish little heart. i could talk about him for ages but i fear tumblr will cut me off LOL our responses to each other are getting so long like we’re writing letters by candlelight to be sent post-haste…..

HELLO MY LOVE im sorry for the late reply my pc was out of commission and answering asks on mobile is terrible but i am back now as your penpal. I LOVED MORE THAN A WOMAN OFC i understand i think i've had so many kevin day playlists since i first read aftg in 2020 (which feels like such a lifetime ago!), so i try not to keep too much track of them and not to take them or myself too seriously either. in a way all the playlists i've made have been an abstract of my life at the time of making so i want to preserve them that way! which is why my kandrew playlist is 6 hours long. because i am preserving.

THANK YOU FOR LIKING MY PINBOARD i wanted this fic most of all to be an ode to friendship. in kandreil i think theres so much history and tension there that sometimes it's easy to forget that there are other reasons people can stay together, so i wanted to write a kerejean where they felt like they were genuinely friends before it ever started careening into romance!!!! i think it's working. Probably. it's a very joyful and warm fic (or at least i hope it is) and i've been having a lot of fun with dialogue specifically because so much of friendship is just talking! anyway ah i have to stop myself before i spoil anything so just know it's going to be fun. hopefully. and there's a scene where jean calls kevin the first flower of edgar allen (direct rip off from tlt but bear with me)

I LOVE THEM BOTH TEASING KEVIN!!!! is there anything more genuine than teasing your crush together.......... that's the kind of thing i live 4 in relationship dynamics................ ohhh i just know this fic will get me so bad if it ever sees the light of day (heh).... ALSO HE'S STILL IN COLLEGE KEVINNNNNNNNNNN kevin youre letting a man still in college boss you around youve been better and more dignified endings. AND I LOVE DRUNK JEAN THANK YOU especially needy aiyayayaya..... my favorite senseless hc is that jean is a lightweight and he cant keep up with neither jeremy nor kevin nor renee. he's drunk off of one glass while the other three compete to see who can get liver failure first. he has been consistently getting drinked under the table by kevin for years. our beautiful apple strudel....... our little cabbage as the french say. :-)

i hope my candlelight letter reaches YOU post-haste and ofc im sorry for the wait!

[velvetnviolentviolets]

Get To Know The Author

name : Kay

pronouns :  she/her

preference of communication : Honestly I have a huge preference for discord. I don't trust tumblr IM to actually alert me. Ive recently learned tumblr has been eating my asks too. If I don't reply to an ask or DM me PLEAS reach out to me. I will NEVE outright ignore something. If I don't think something is going to work for our muses I will reach out to you. 

most active muse :  Kat is my loudest and most demanding. After that would be Her brother Kass, Feyre, and then our spotty maybe I'm here maybe I'm not - Emmett.  

experience / how many years : Ohhh boy. I've been doing the rp thing off and on since 2010. There was a five year chunk in recent years where I disappeared for a bit but the lovely @sharpayevcns pulled me back in a few months ago and I am so appreciative that she did. <3 

best experience : Discovering the people here that make me feel safe enough to obsess over threads. You guys have absolutely made my return to tumblr. If I were to delete my blog with nothing but my connection with you guys to show for it - Well I would be absolutely fine with that. You guys are amazing and will absolutely be tagged in this. 

rp pet peeves : I keep running into situations where I get heavily invested in plotting something (Drawing, writing head cannons, making playlists, planning cannon events. . .I literrally brushed up on a whole ass language for a plot) Only to have those people completely leave me on read. I am not a pushy partner in the least. I would be more than happy to wait a month for a reply. But I need communication. I need feedback if something doesn't sit right for you. I need reciprocated enthusiasm. You don't have to show It the same way I do but I need some show of enthusiasm otherwise it just feels uncomfortable and I feel annoying and restrained. That's not what I'm here for. I've honestly made the decision to start unfollowing people based on a three strikes basis. No hard feelings. I just don't want to follow anyone who doesn't bring the same energy I do. 

fluff, angst, or smut :ALL OF IT! While I'm becoming more and more selective about who I write smut with I LOVE writing smut ESPECIALLY if its born of post Angst fluff. Actually almost exclusively. There is nothing that gets my muses motor going like post Angst Fluff! 

plots or memes : Augh! Don't make me pick. I love Plotting but sometimes nothing really gets the juices flowing like memes do. I cant tell you how many times a simple meme interaction help set a pivotal point in a plot. ALSO- Memes are usually what help me forego my shy nature. While my muse outwardly gives NONE of the Ducks. . .I do . I give all of the Ducks so memes help  me loosen up. I'm not responsible for the haphazard neuroSpicy creature you meet once the shyness has fallen away. You've been warned.

long or short replies : It depends on my mood and attention span. There is a Adderall shortage right now so I have only been taking my Adderall on work days so Ive had a VERY hard time focusing o replies as of late. When Im on top of my Game I am LONGWINDED AF .Please don't ever feel like you have to match me because there are times where I will write you a novel and we were only supposed to be writing a sentence or two. It just happens and Im sorry.  time to write : Ha! um . . . Well I work Graveyard  Thursday- Saturday from 8PM-9:30ish AM (PST)  On slow nights I do write here and there but for the most part I can be found here pretty sporadically. If I have something going on during my weekend that I have to be a daytime person for then ill be up during the day time. OTHERWISE- Mostly evening and spooky hours . 

are you like your muses : I could draw some parallels with each of them but I dont think I am like any of them. 

tagged by: The Alluring  @wynterlanding ~<3

@grimmusings @sharpayevcns @godccmplex <3

[qumiiiquinnquin]

my view on love is so skewed.

what is love?

i know what it is. only partially though. i only know it from an outside perspective.

people feel deeply for each other , to the point of dating , sometimes to the point of marriage , sometimes to the point of having a kid or multiple children. sometimes , to the point of growing old together , and sometimes resting peacefully with your graves side by side in the cemetery.

sometimes love just doesnt work out though. feelings for each other erode away over time and the gears of love for each other just stop turning , cheating or infidelity may happen , or just a complete breakup or divorce.

im a child of a divorced couple who ended up splitting because my mom cheated on my dad. before my dad had found out what my mom had done , their relationship was dwindling because all i can gather is they weren't feeling very close anymore. my dad says it got to the point that they’d be texting each other from opposite ends of the same couch instead of talking. my mom is remarried since 2015 , and my dad has been struggling to find and keep a relationship. he came very close to proposing again , but they ended up splitting.

i dont know what it feels like when love just doesn't work out. ive seen it though ; both times my dad had to split with someone , it caused him major depression , especially when he had to part from my mom. he had disappeared for a while and my uncle watched us , i can only assume he had left because what the divorce had done to him. he drank more ((not to the point of alcoholism but almost)) and smoked more , and my mom smoked more too. she seems to regret her actions , and stopped smoking about a year prior to getting remarried.

but to be honest , i dont even know what it feels like when love does work out. ive explained times that ive had crushes on people to friends last year , only having crushes exactly three times. my friends said that these were more “squishes” instead of crushes , as i was not comfortable with the idea of ever marrying or dating those who i had crushes on. it wasn't feelings of romance , even if it felt like it. i just liked someone a lot.

ive only confessed once , and it was to my closest friend. it felt like genuine feelings of romance. i wanted to spend the rest of my days with him , and if i may be honest , the idea of him ever finding and dating someone hurts my soul a little.

when i confessed , he said no. i remember i was hurt by that for a bit , and sometimes i feel sad when i recall that our relationship is strictly platonic friends. we say i love you to each other , but with the platonic tone indicator. sometimes , i wish i could say it without the tone indicator and be able to call each other sweet names.

but at the same time , im glad he said no. i dont know how love works. the very idea of dating , marriage , and always being with the same person for the rest of your life makes me uncomfortable , as well as anxious and confused. i do not understand how dating works , at what point marriage is considered , how deeply in love you have to be to want to marry , how you dont get tired of your partner when living with them for the rest of both of your lives , etc. etc. etc.

even lately , when ive been feeling very alone and wishing i had a partner , i dont think id be happy if i did have one because i dont understand or really...feel love.

what is dating?

is it cuddling or other types of physical affection? but what if im not comfortable with being touched? what then?

is it going out? but what qualifies as going out? is it the fancy dinner shown in shows and movies , or is it just basic outings like to a fun store or a walk downtown or the movies?

is it just hanging out next to each other at home or somewhere? but certain things have to qualify as a date right?

what is marriage?

when do you decide you love each other so much to the point of wanting to marry?

what is it like to live the rest of your life with someone else? do you not get tired of their company? do you simply get used to it? do you do anything to have small breaks away from each other? but if you are spending time away from your spouse , does anyone then think the relationship is unhealthy and going downhill?

when do you decide you love each other so much to have a child?

there's so much to love that i dont understand.

not to mention , besides my lack of understanding much about love , the idea of cheating , divorce , or something happening to my partner has partially frightened me out of trying to find someone. additionally , you never know who you will meet. ending up in an abusive or controlling relationship has also kept me at bay from seeking somebody. i already have enough trauma to bear on my shoulders , if im being perfectly honest...i dont want anything added to that...

i feel silly as i type this , because as i said earlier , i have been desiring a partner lately , and confessed to my closest friend a couple years ago and sometimes wish we could be something. three times , ive had people confess to me , only for me to turn them down because i am not comfortable with being in a relationship. i keep going back and forth with myself if i would truly be happy in a relationship , and its even led to me questioning my own identity - i identify as aroace.

the asexual part has held true and will continue to hold true for the rest of my life. but...with my thoughts and feelings on love , especially lately where they seem like they're changing , im not certain i can still identify as aromantic...

it seems to wane. sometimes , i desperately want a partner and feel quite lonely and jealous whenever i see a couple. other times - and most times - i feel happy by myself , and do not feel comfortable ever being in a relationship with someone. i feel quite annoyed whenever my family tells me ill change my mind or i will eventually find somebody.

i want someone to love me , but i never want to be in a relationship with them. does that make sense? i wouldnt mind being loved and loving someone else , but i would want the relationship to remain platonic or simply just friends.

none of this may make sense. i wish i could explain it all better , but i dont exactly know how to describe my feelings on love too well.

it's just my very skewed view on love.

[kodzumie-archived]

im not sure if i even remember the pseudonym i had on this blog, nor if i want, but all i know was that it was on the emoji display of your regular anons wall. that might serve as some sort of identification

though it mightve been the purple pixel alien, i can't be sure

regardless, time moves on; we've all progressed in our lives, we've grown. yet i cannot help but think about you, and what happened to you. you remained one of the most impressionable authors to me thus far; your articulate prose was a contributing factor, yes, but you were just so... kind. and sweet to us. it stuck to me like honey, never of the saccharine likes-- only that which was unbearably hard to wash off my skins surface

i don't know what happened to you, and i wish i knew-- it might be a bit selfish, or intrusive, given how we don't actually know each other, but gods... sometimes, in the back of my mind, i recount all the people ive come to be estranged with and i know your vague visage one of them, one of those i worry for. i hope you're okay. i sorely wish you're okay and well and alive

and i really, really wish that the possibility you're dead is false-- i almost need it to be, you had come to feel like a friend to me; your disappearance happened in early 2021, when covid was still relatively rampant. if what i fear has presumably happened, then you mightve contracted covid and passed. you mightve had your life unfairly reaped by others, too soon. that's what i thought had happened-- it's the only conclusion i have at my disposal, how i not, being honest?

maybe you felt burdened, maybe you ran away because of an external cause. that mightve been better, knowing you're still out there, somewhere, with a chance at happiness

if you're reading this, if you're alive and well (i hope you are. i wish you are), just... hell, i don't even know what i want you to know.

just know i care for you-- undoubtedly so. many people who have come to know you care for you, and i can bet some people on this blog alike i, care for you dearly, and wish the best.

p. s. ive recently discovered my penchant for literature, and i sorely want to ask you for advice on prose. on writing. on everything there is you could provide an answer to. some days i return to your published works and i attempt to mimic your style; is it because i envy you? because i want to be as good as you are?

or because i want to preserve you in some way-- in the thing i use daily? in poetry and art, that which i love the most?

... sometimes i beat myself up for being no where near your level, but how can that be reasonable? i just recently started practicing, and it's clear your work has had years of effort dedicated to honing your craft.

and i think, "they seem around college age. they've so much infront of them; i hope they've successfully chased their aspirations"

and i think, "i can be good. i can grow to be good. it will be okay"

and i think, i want you to be okay. of all things, above all things.

i want you to be okay.

i wish you were here

First and foremost—thank you.

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. Thank you for your concern. And, of course, thank you for your kind words.

I’m truly blessed to have had such kind individuals to support me and my work two years ago. Please know, even in my absence, you’ve (all) been in my thoughts.

So, at the very least, I hope I can provide closure to you, in addition to my apology for leaving you with your worries for so long.

I am alive! Evidently.

Although a lot has happened since I left this blog—my mental decline culminating in an eventual breakdown and hospitalization—I’m better now than I’ve been in, well, ever.

So... Yeah! It’s been a bit of a ride on my end, and I’ve grown a lot since 2021.

The most obvious change being that I’m no longer the angsty fourteen-year-old I was when I used to run this blog—trying to grow up faster than I should’ve.

I still write (because without it, who am I?), and I still am present on Tumblr.

I’ve shifted my interests, I’ve been practicing diversifying my writing style, and it makes me beyond happy to hear you exploring literature as well!

I’m not sure how I can properly convey with words how thrilled I am to hear that I’ve been a source of inspiration for your pursuit of writing, but please do know that—from the bottom of my heart—I’m cheering for you!

Writing is hard.

It’s difficult, and it’s easy to feel like the expectations you set for yourself aren’t being met, and it’s so, so easy to give up.

But know that your words are true.

You can be good, better than good—you can be great.

And I hope, someday, I can be given the chance to read your work!

Truth be told, I struggle reading my older works, seeing as my style’s changed a lot since then. And, sometimes, it’s difficult to read my current writing.

We’re always looking for ways to become the best we can be. But isn’t that what’s so inspiring about creatives?

I remember our conversations!

(If you’re recalling correctly—then I do genuinely remember and hold dear the conversations I’d had with you, 👾 anon! I fondly look back on the drawings you’d send, and vividly recall how in awe of your talents I was).

I care for you. I’ve cared for you. And I will continue to care for you.

It’s a bit funny to think about, actually—how you look back on my writing and emulate it when, truthfully, I’ve always kept your drawings in mind and, too, have tried to emulate your talent in art!

I guess it goes both ways, our appreciation of one another, and it warms my heart to hear it.

Thank you for the fond memories.

Although I don’t plan on creating any new content for this blog, and I’ve passed from my interest in Danganronpa—you’ll forever hold a place in my heart!

I’ve decided against deactivating.

I’m too attached to completely sever the relation I have with this account and the people I’ve met (mutuals and anons alike).

So, if ever at any point you'd like to contact me, feel free!

Regardless of the reason, I’ll always be happy to hear from you. Even if we’re just friendly strangers online and don’t know each other beyond that, perhaps we can come to be close friends.

I’m sorry for vanishing, and I’m sorry for having worried you.

I hope, with every fiber of my being, that you’ve been alive, well, and happy. I hope you’ve been pursuing your passions, and that life has been treating you well.

If nothing else, know that—even in my absence—I’ve kept you in my thoughts.

Thank you for everything.

I hope we can meet again, my dear.