#sometimes I feel like I've come so far with my social anxiety and other times I feel like I've not changed one bit since I finished school

[vaultlink]

The Bocchi the Rock Recap movies were so much fun. The way they reorganized things and how they cut stuff down without losing much, it was worth the watch.

Using the kessoku band songs that weren't apart of live performances as montage music to cut down the cute girls doing cute things to the important moments without completely losing them was perfect.

And how they used segments from the early episodes as flashbacks, love it.

I can't describe the feeling, getting to the end of the second movie, seeing the shot at the end of Bocchi getting ready to leave home with her new guitar and the movie going to a modified version of the post credits walk down the street where she suddenly stops to think and it starts rewinding EVERYTHING all the way back to the first scene in the entire anime that had been skipped completely in the first movie, of elementary Bocchi being lead away by a teacher.

Oh how far she's come.

[the-voice-of-night-vale]

social anxiety can be really funny in retrospect bc it will have you saying shit like 'is it weird to call a doctor's office and schedule an appointment?"with 100% sincerity and panicking about it as if that's not the silliest thing in the world

[maythearo]

I kinda accidentally been away :(

When I take a hiatus you'll see I don't announce it beforehand because it usually just happens instead of being a planned thing, so I apologize if I made people worry about me (again) but I'm doing fine! A plethora of things happened in the time being, and I feel like it's relevant to mention them here for some clarity. (I didn't intend to make this post so long, I'll crop here so it's easier to navigate)

First I feel like I have been falling out of love with art as a whole. My interest in a lot of stuff has been fading away, I haven't been keeping up with twst for one, and since a lot of my inspiration comes from the stuff I'm hyperfixating on I barely have been creating anything. My uni assigments so far were uninspired at best lol it sucks my mood relies so much on art and vice versa. The only times I feel actual joy is when I'm hanging out with my friends every now and then, I'm mostly alone through the rest of the week.

And it's with this habit of going out that I fluctuated towards using less social media. I don't think I ever liked having a presence online, and that's something I've been doing since highschool for no reason that matters to me anymore. Just quitting isn't something I can do because first, I think it's important getting my news from it; and second, I still want to do commissions, and I'm aiming to turn my socials into something more professional in the near future, rather than the life diary that I had a tendency of building them as. Of course there's nothing wrong with making socials a personal thing, it's just not my style, and with my anxiety of being perceived I realized I can only handle so much of it lol

I also had some personal losses, and it feels like a lot of people around me were having a hard time with theirs coincidentally, so that made me kinda sad too. I won't specify much but I think that's worth mentioning.

The tldr is that I'm lost, I don't know how I got here, and I feel like it only gets worse the longer I stand around doing nothing but I prefer to think that sometimes things get worse before they get better, I know they will get better.

I'm writing all of this from the perspective of how I feel at the moment, the conclusions I'm taking with this kinda depressive state of mind, so I imagine things can still change once I begin to feel brighter again, who knows.

Thank you for everyone who left kind messages on my askbox after all this time, idk if I can reply to all individually but I did read them and I appreciate them very much! I hope everyone is doing well too and staying safe.

And on a side note I'm sorry to the people who asked other things related to my art/blog way before I took this break, I wanted to answer them in a fun way but they've gathered too much dust by now and my inspiration is long gone. I think I'll be cleaning up my askbox since the longer I leave it unnatended the more overwhelmed it makes me feel 😥 I messed it up this time I admit, I apologize again to everyone I kept waiting.

I have a few old drawings I haven't shared here yet, maybe I'll post them if I manage to remember it :)

[darkkitty1208]

The past few weeks before I finally returned from my unofficial hiatus, I've lost a lot of my motivation to write and anything to do with being part of the fandom as a whole. I contemplated quitting and never returning again, deleting all my works and socials and any other trace of me anyone could find, but I know that it's just the anxiety talking and my brain playing tricks with me due to IRL stress and that logically, I *do* have a place here in the fandom space. So I held back.

Now that I'm here again -- and have been welcomed very warmly by dear friends -- the urge to create has finally come around again and I want to get back into writing. It's just that, god, I feel very rusty. It's been quite a while and I feel like the words have run away from me after not using them for so long. I look into my mostly-abandoned WIPs and I can't find the right way to continue them.

But despite that, I decided to do a bit of the good ol' self-projecting and started a WIP (instead of finishing my old ones, lol). It's not much, but it's something. I felt compelled to share in hopes it would motivate me to write some more. This is all I've got so far, and it is admittedly very rough, but it's getting there.

~

Here’s the thing: healing isn't linear.

These are words repeated over and over again by those who you wouldn't think ever even had to heal. They're the kind of words that would lose its meaning the more they're said, and have you start wondering if to some people, they ever had any sort of meaning to begin with.

You can never really tell where it starts or where it finishes, or how it happened or if it ever did happen, the same way the flawed five stages of grief could never explain the true act of mourning and the same way your every emotion defies anything your logic could ever tell you.

Sometimes, Stephen finds, some things are just unexplainable like that.

Sometimes, Stephen doesn't think he's capable of healing. Sometimes, especially in nights where every bit of his sanity starts to fall apart and each choking breath would sting as it enters his damned lungs, he thinks he's too far gone to be capable of it at all.

(Sometimes he would sit silently and stare into nothing, thinking about the way nobody would understand that at some point in his life, he wasn't the man he used to be anymore. Sometimes he could feel it, the thing that consumed him, that took away who he was, and the way it would take up every space in his ribcage and burn his insides like acid, the way it would rip apart the space in his chest where his heart used to be. Sometimes he would think about it, and the way that it makes him nothing but an empty shell of a man. Every day that thing would grow inside of him and one day, it might ruin him; as if he isn't already far too broken to begin with.)

But it's here, in the roof of a sentient building he's grown to call his home where various pots are neatly arranged in small shelves, with his trembling fingers digging into rich soil and dirt sticking underneath his fingernails, that he starts to find proof that maybe, he had the capability after all.

It's here that he understands why humans would pick up a trowel and spend so much time getting on their hands and knees to dirty themselves with grimes of dirt.

There's something about the green of the Earth and the smell of her moist dirt in the early mornings, damp from the moon's tears, that soothes a part of him that he couldn't quite identify. There's something comforting about the mindless action of digging and burying and placing and watering. There's something comforting about knowing that his damaged fingers could sprout life even if it all depended on time.

But that's the thing, isn't it? Everything is just a matter of time.

(Sometimes he wishes healing isn't linear, the way he wishes time doesn't march on an ascending line.)

He remembers the same damp smell of moss and the same smudges of dirt on the knees of his trousers back then, the first time he was taught about gardening and farming and sprouting life from seeds.

He had still been a small boy in Nebraska, back then. He had been young, and he had never understood patience the way he does now. He didn't understand that what he planted was something that, if anything, was considered a miracle, and that miracles took time, and that miracles don't last forever. He didn't understand that life and decay is just a matter of time, and that everything including himself would eventually be nothing but rotting flesh and cracked bones, becoming one with the earth and consumed by the maggots and mushrooms.

Because that's the thing: everything is just a matter of time.

The experience had meant nothing to him then, and had taught him nothing much of anything at all, but it means something to him now.

[kiwiwinjindouche]

Just a "quick word" (it isn't) to thank you all.

I really am so thankful to have you because everyone is so chill with all my cringeness - I don't "care about numbers", I'm not a "big account" either, but I've never attempted to be one anyway. When I started posting things here, I didn't know how nor where to start, where this'll lead me, and I never thought so many people would be interested by my silly ideas and the such. I never lied about my favorite dude, and I know he's definitely not a lot appreciated, but that's Tumblr for you, I suppose! (I never thought I'd stumble upon a few other people who ship my rarepair either and everyday I'm so glad for all this). (I remember comments two years ago or so on Instagram where people were like "lmao wtf delete this" and I never really cared about it, because I know this is a controversial ship - and even if sometimes i feel really cringe/like i'm going too far, overall i don't want to stop because it makes me happy and I'm not hurting anyone)

I'm still a bit insecure from time to time, because I'm only 24 and full of stupid and good vibes, there's literally no way for me to be able to truly write the mindset of a 40ish mad inventor, and i tend to make people softer than they are sometimes, so if i do anything wrong with him, that's definitely not on purpose. I'm only delulu about his fate, but you can't come to me like "what about the atrocities! he's not nice!" and well, fork found in kitchen? It doesn't stop me to want him to be more than just that 'evil dude' and I like to see and explore what could have brought him to this (his past probably left some trauma on him and that doesn't help) (not to forgive anything or idk but imagine being hated by everyone around you, as a child that's fucked up)

You're making this 'fandom experience' fantastic and I met amazing people and I'd love to talk more with everyone but I'm so bad at social and PM on Tumblr GJDSJGFKLGDSKGJ I'm really sorry about my lack of social skills and how much i don't see passing time (anxiety? adhd? autism? could explain things, i can easily get overwhelmed by life and i'm very slow, a little french snail) (tbh, I don't have a lot of 'fandom experience', my first one was with Pokemon and I've met some of my dearest friends thanks to it, and a bit of Baldur's Gate 3 but it has to be one of the worst fandom ever lmao, and I followed it on Twitter, so yeah that was a strange experience)

Thank you all once again for existing, best wishes and much love <3

(I was feeling like getting emotional on main, but I've wanted to do this for a week or so. And even if we don't talk a lot, I appreciate every one of you and I support you)

[antheiantics]

Breaking down ENTJ stereotypes to uncover the true face of the type pt.1

1. ENTJ individuals are cold and emotionless

Okay, that's by far the most idiotic stereotype of them all and one I haven't been shy to object to in this blog of mine. That's the main reason why I chose to cover it first.

First things first:

No one is emotionless. We all feel things. ENTJs just choose not to show it that much. We are analytical, observant, and what one might call stoic. It's not like there isn't something that has hurt, bothered, or offended me, I just try and find a way for it not to prevent me from doing my day-to-day tasks. No one likes to have to work or communicate with openly emotional messes. Of course, it's a good thing to express yourself... shutting yourself out or pretending everything's fine is an option but never a solution to the issue, and we ENTJs love solutions. They're practically our drive for anything which kind of explains the fact that we're good at finding and establishing them. Being able to control ourselves in tight situations or around certified stress inducers, as I'm keen on calling humans, is essential to us. Anyone can lose their composure, it's always easier to let go than to keep it down. ENTJs understand that and sometimes even unconsciously strive to achieve it, whilst still being on the job to look presentable and socially active. That's where it becomes tricky - to look like you have it together when you don't, to maintain the appearance of the "fine and successful way of life".

Smiling, actively participating in conversations, sharing ideas and opinions, debating when needed, backing down (reluctantly, if it must be somehow defined), taking charge or navigating others while they lead are all part of the things we make ourselves do, to maintain our image of the always prepared person that's capable, well-organised and a tower of strength. To other people, we might seem proud and conceited at first. Sometimes we appear as robots because we take on situations a lot more different than how it's normally expected. We take in shocks well and are durable. Sometimes we think so much, that we forget to react appropriately because we were busy thinking about the possible outcomes. To put it simply, brainstorming is on 24/7. ENTJs are prone to a lot of overthinking. If there are three possible scenarios of how a certain event might go, we come up with four. That's not to say that we're the only ones capable of doing that, a lot of people are overthinkers too, but the main difference between them and us is that their overthinking is derived from possible past experiences (traumas, toxic relationships, anxiety) and ours is more like a personality trait. I can't recall a moment in my life when I wasn't thinking of possible scenarios for all the different kinds of situations I was in. Sometimes it even became too much. I was too aware and that slowed my reaction time to a negative number because my brain was so ahead of the present moment that it already counted the event for passed, finished achieved, you name it - in other words, over.

Being emotionally strict with ourselves isn't an ally to us either. I've had moments in which I've hardly managed to get a word out because I'm so confused about how I feel that my brain just stops working.

When it comes to feeling spectre ENTJs are as well developed as any other person out there (excluding the issues, varying from person to person). However, if we speak about the full emotional spectre, our operating system starts to glitch. Emotions are not unfeelable but are hard to process and when they are hard to process they become a burden. And what do ENTJs do about burdens? Yep, you guessed it right, we remove it.

That's all there is to it. Emotions are not a burden, but when they do appear as one, we push them away for later so we might navigate smoothly throughout our lives. The coldness that's negatively looked upon, is the fruit of the constant thinking of possible outcomes, statistics, and solutions.

Part 2 will come sooner or later, depending on the interest this blog gets. Hope you enjoyed reading, thank you in advance for appreciating my work.

See you soon.

-Antheia-

[crocheting-cupio]

hiii :] favorite nin songs? i'm curious what others we might share

Hello! :) It's going to be hard not to include everything on The Fragile and Broken, but I will try!

La Mer -> The Great Below -> The Way Out Is Through -> Into The Void. I feel like these four are one continuous work and and they are their strongest together. So I will count them as "one song." Anyway, they impacted me harder than The Downward Spiral (the album) did, which I didn't think was possible. Together, they are one of my favourite works of art of all time. And as someone who went to art school I've seen a lot of incredible art in all kinds of mediums.

Please. I mentioned this in my response to your post but IT KEEPS REPEATING! WILL YOU PLEASE COMPLETE ME?! [Clears throat] I don't know what came over me just then. So basically I wasn't the same man after hearing this for the first time. In my brain, being the writer and composer of Please is one of Trent's highest accomplishments. It's that good to me.

Pilgrimage. I think this one also altered my brain chemistry. It's such a weird track and I can't stop thinking about it. Also the auditory textures are immaculate.

The Becoming. This song is everything to me. Odd time signatures that never feel steady, sounds meant to make you feel very uncomfortable, long verses that never seem to end, extremely deliberate but strange sounding emphasis on syllables, I could go on forever.

Reptile. I don't know how to explain it but this song puts me on a new plane of existence. It feels like an emotional state that is both everything at once and nothing at all. Not to mention it being an incredible work of sound design.

Sin. I wouldn't be reposting the PHM fancam every Monday if I didn't absolutely LOVE this song. It was one of the first NIN songs I heard, and I said to myself "I don't care if the rest of what this guy made is crap, this is one of the best songs I've ever heard."

Ringfinger. A track so underrated sometimes even I forget how good it is. Just generally a really good song that I love, not a lot more to say.

Happiness in Slavery. I love this one because in the intense parts it feels like the song itself is attacking me (positive) but in the quieter moments it feels like a cry for help.

Suck. I really like the balance of intensity, rage, and heavy textures mixed with quiet, sensual, and regretful moments. It's like Closer and The Big Come Down put into a blender.

Only. Immensely catchy with very relatable lyrics, this is one of Trent's best for sure. Actually, it has helped me with social anxiety. If I get really anxious that no one actually likes me, I start singing "I just made (that version of) you UP, to HURT myself" until I convince myself no one actually feels that way about me.

Sunspots. The bass in this one is just incredible, I can almost feel the airwaves vibrate through my body. Combined with Trent's gentle and quiet voice it's a very pleasant sensory experience. Great for decompression after sensory overload.

The Line Begins to Blur. I really, really love the balance of noisiness and texture contrasted with smooth gentle sounds. It's very Fragile-esque but it feels more in control, focused, and significantly less "I'm dead inside." It's truly beautiful in every way.

Discipline. To be honest, Discipline > Head Like a Hole and The Hand That Feeds. Of all the very pop and mainstream songs Trent has made (that I've heard so far), this one is absolutely the strongest for me. It's so undoubtedly Nine Inch Nails, yet fits so perfectly amongst much less alternative/industrial artists. I'm 100% recommending it to anyone who wants to get into NIN. (My Mom also loves this song, it's her favourite NIN song I think.)

1,000,000. This one is kind of amazing to me because it's like every angry depression song Trent made up to that point rolled into one. Like actually just playing them all at the same time, I feel like I'm under psychic attack (positive). It's also... Unfortunately catchy. I have to be careful not to sing it out loud.

Thank you for the ask and for coming to my TED Talk! :)

[kindlyanni]

hi, i hope you're well today.

i watched your sketchbook tour video on yt (from like 2 days ago) and so, i wanted to try to ask for advice, if you want to give it ofcourse, no pressure to.

you see, i love sketces so much, there's just some special beuty about them. i really enjoy seeing artists' sketches, including yours, ofcourse. i love seeing them on tumblr & yt.

also, even though i'm 26, i'm a COMPLETE begginner at drawing. i'm struggeling with the basic boxes-in-correct-perspective things, drawing faceless heads and motionless torsos, and.. yea, that's it. i know practice is the only way to advance in drawing, but i can't bring myself to. i see artists like you filling your sketchbooks with characters you're passionate about and honestly that's all i've ever wanted to be able to do, but i literally don't have the ability to do so.

just to be clear, i'm not asking you how to motivate myself to draw. the thing is, even though people are telling me that maybe it's not meant to be and i should give up, some insane part of me refuses to let this dream go. my question to you, as someone who somehow got there, is: do you think it's doomed? do you think that me struggeling so much with the drawing itself AND the motivation, means i won't be able to do it? do you think if i'm not having fun with it now, than i'll never get to a point where it will?

it might sound dumb, but it's a thing i'm nervous about. and after seeing your sketchbook, filled with so much characters and stories that i could see are so dear to your heart and so fun for you to draw, i'd love to hear (read) youe 2 scents about it, if you're willing to share. again, no pressure to.

thanks in advance, though.

Hi there Anon!

I'mma be frank and honest here: "maybe it's not meant to be and you should give up" is the absolutely stupidest thing someone can say to you. What the hell?? Dear Anon, if you feel even the tiniest bit of "I want to draw" then you should draw. You don't have to be good at drawing to draw, that's what's great about it. Anyone can find something to draw with and something to draw on. And just draw. If the act of drawing scratches some itch for you, then that's all you need. It doesn't mean it has to be fun all the time, though. Sometimes I can't get part of the drawing right, or even the whole drawing! Sometimes I hate what I finished drawing. Sometimes I want to draw but nothing comes out. But the itch is still there, it doesn't go away completely. You say it's your dream, then you should follow it. Everyone starts somewhere, and it's never too late too start. It's never too late. When you're dead it's too late.

If you don't feel the itch for drawing anymore, then you know it's time to move on to other things. And that's okay too, and it's not giving up. And don't let anyone else tell you that you should give up, if it is your passion.

In case you have sketchbook anxiety, don't think a sketchbook has to be one big art piece with each page something instagram worthy. I know it's become a thing where artists share their sketchbooks on social media and it's so Aesthetic™ that it's giving anxiety and pressure for everyone to have a sketchbook that pretty, but it really doesn't have to. You don't have to show it to anyone. Or you don't have to even have a sketchbook. Draw on random paper and put them in a folder. I did that for ages. The ones I use now aren't really sketchbooks either, but sketch pads with spirals. And those work the best for me. I have a few books but I haven't finished any of them.

If stiff figures is your issue, I suggest figure/life drawing as practice. Drawing tutorials about boxes and circles and proportions can only get you so far. Gather images of people in different poses. Dancing is really good for this. Sports too. And the less clothes the better. Draw what you see. Do it in 1 minute, 2 minutes, 5... Focus less on getting details right and more on the flow, the movement of the body. Tracing the image is lower effort and not as beneficial, but it still helps get the idea of how things are shaped and connected etc. And remember you don't have to show these practice drawings to anyone.

I know thanks to social media there's this pressure to show everything you make. But you really don't have to, if it makes you nervous. When I started drawing, we didn't have tumblr, twitter, ig or facebook. I drew a shit ton! I bought so many drawing pads, and no one has seen most of what's in there. I drew for myself. I had a webcomic idea and I drew so much of the characters and what would happen with them in the comic. I've drawn So. Much. And just recently I'm at a point where I can show my entire sketchbook to the entire internet. I wouldn't have done that maybe like 6-8 years ago. And I still skip some pages I don't want to show, for one reason or another. And that's fine.

Gosh, this became a longer reply than I intended. I hope it helps! Find that thing that makes you want to draw. For me it was the story I wanted to make and the characters for it (I started the webcomic but never finished it lmao). For you it can be your OCs, or some other characters, it can be a pet or a band you really like, it can be Nicholas Cage, or flowers, or anything! Find the itch and scratch it real good.

Let me share a drawing of mine from 20 years ago (I was 16):

[luna-loveboop]

Why don’t you have your pronouns in your bio? I want to interact with your account but as a trans person it makes me feels unsafe if an account doesn’t have pronouns listed. (Genuine question, not trying to attack or anything)

Hello hi :D

I generally take a long time to reply (I choose to take a while so I am not rushing my responses), but I want you to feel safe so I will try and respond quickly

***I tried to respond as a private ask but I think I can't, so my response to anon is under the cut. It is way too long, but I don't want to trim it down and keep friend waiting

^^tone indicators for all of my response is positive and genuine- I am curious and sincere

Thank you for sending this- I love that you are brave enough to ask and I hear you. I'm honoured that you like my account and would love for you to interact with it! I want you to feel safe tho, let's figure it out

Could I ask for advice? I am not yet completely understanding of tumblr or how everything works. I'm not certain what a bio is or where to put it.

I have so far avoided posting a pinned post, or having personal information in my blog description (<is that bio?). I have preferred just having posts- I am also not very comfortable reblogging things yet. I'm not certain how to explain why, but that is the form my anxiety has taken in managing my account appearance. Is it ok to leave it as is?

As far as changes I am slow on that as well, and might take a bit- but again I will try to hurry because I never want you to feel unsafe. You are worth any extent of kindness

So if I may ask- what is a blog bio, and where would I be supposed to put my pronouns? I think others have explained a bit on this but sometimes I don't understand immediately. Is this something that will make people feel unsafe? And may I ask why? I understand if this is uncomfortable, but I always want to be honest and genuine, and learn rather than pretending I know everything. I am autistic and often take a long time to understand things socially. Could not having pronouns be seen as a rejection of my trans friends?

I also have believed they/them to be the sort of default- as a sign of respect for my trans people I say they/them if I am uncertain. I want to help people feel validated with they/them, rather than assume and say something that is not who they are

My pronouns are she/her! :D but I am ok with they/them as normal which is another reason I hadn't put them.

I have several friends I plan on asking for advice on this as well, but I would love advice from your perspective. I want to make sure your concerns specifically are cared for since you asked. If you are ok to go off of anon, could you dm me or talk in replies? I want to learn. Or you could send me asks in anon- but I do not want to seem like I’m telling you what to do, or demand you talk openly if it makes you uncomfortable.

Friend :)

If I have accidentally said something very offensive I am so sorry and please help me understand- I have a heart for you even if words get in the way. I hope I am not defensive- learning and growing and changing are the best parts of life

If anything I said came across as rude or blunt I am sorry- I tell you that is not what I mean and I want to be friendly and light. I struggle with language sometimes (sometimes) which is why I normally take long to respond.

...

Hi friend! I think you are very cool and you've made me happy- now I can learn more :D if I was too intense or seemed demanding I am sorry- I got slightly panicked. I want you to feel heard and safe :)))

I feel secure in my gender identity and would not be adverse to being trans. I have spent so much time searching tho- I enjoy bragging about always having skirts with the best pockets.

I know this post is way too long and I repeated myself- I ramble lol but want to help you feel loved quickly

.

Edit: hate to add more, but hi anon! Many of my friends have come to help me understand more. Thank you for asking- I did not know and love to learn. I've added pronouns, and want to always make changes so people can feel safe. You don't have to go off of anon if you don't want, but if there's anything else I can do let me know. You are so so cool :)))

[crystalsamethyst]

I have let myself be extremely vulnerable recently and I don't know if it's something people really care about but I'm going to talk about it.

The fact that I've been sharing the whole picture of who I am across several platforms is something I never thought I'd be able to do. There has been so much embarrassment and shame in my personal life over me writing fanfiction and latching on to series that I could barely even admit it out loud even though it was my entire sense of self. I couldn't talk about what I was writing. I couldn't share it. Even if people were genuinely interested, I'd have a panic attack thinking their perception of me would be altered and I'd lose everything.

Sharing what I write is extremely difficult because on one hand, it's a part of me, but on the other hand, there are things I have to incorporate for the stories that don't represent me at all and I'm terrified of people coming to the wrong conclusions about who I am as a person. Even if the writing is 100% aligned with what I wanted for it, that still doesn't mean it's always who I am or what I like or approve of for real life.

I also never thought of myself as a 'real writer' until I finished my own original book since fanfiction 'doesn't count' (in my irl world).

My username on fanfiction sites is different than the ones I share things about my actual life on and it will probably stay that way. It always felt like such a disconnect but I intended to stay anonymous, post what I wanted to, and not get found by a select few people who seemed to be able to find and shame me wherever I went (still found me on some of the sites but by then they didn't hold power over me at least)

So recently, I've been linking my work which is on AO3 under the same username I use for all sites I've posted fanfics on. I've even put direct links to my AO3 in some of my online profiles. There's a lot of my old work out there that I don't want to be represented by but someone liked it so I'm not going to take them down.

This is a very vulnerable process for me, admitting that I am a person and here is what I like and here is what I write. It might take a while until I'm comfortable sharing everything I wanted to post, but if I eventually do, I really hope people won't come after me for it (super unlikely scenario but, anxiety). I'm not scared of online hate, but I'm terrified of losing the respect and friendships of those I've connected with even if there is nothing even 'socially' wrong with the stories.

I really appreciate the support I've gotten so far. Especially with the TGCF community. I've had to learn a lot on my own since I started posting things like 13 years ago, and I'm still figuring out AO3 and learning new terms. I sometimes feel like a new young fan just now learning how the internet works.

I've been isolated a lot of my life and have several mental health issues plus autism so I'm super knowledgeable in some areas but completely in the dark in others that might seem incredibly obvious and commonly known, and it's the same for fandoms and websites. (I've actually been apparently using Tumblr wrong this whole time too for the like system. I've been using it mostly as bookmarks or read laters. Whoops.)

On a lesser note, I also never imagined I would start drawing again. I actually used to be pretty good at it but again, was shamed and ridiculed for a lot and compared to others so I stopped for a really long time. I'm glad I can share it without being tooooo embarrassed anymore.

It means a lot to me to be so supported, and I would tag a few of you specifically but I don't want you guys to feel called out. But please know that your support and enthusiasm means the world to me and I appreciate and care about you very much. Thank you for helping me feel safe while I'm letting myself be vulnerable.

[changbinsboobs]

Your readings are so interesting ! I have been loving them so much. About Han being more stable than you thought, I agree and it doesn’t really surprise me much. I feel like the fandom sometimes hyperfocuses way too much on his mental health- they make it seem like anxiety (or any other mental issue) is an inherent personality trait of his, which is why a lot of fandom seem to think he’s a mess. Also I feel like a lot of people can’t wrap their heads around the idea that somebody with anxiety could possible enjoy the idol industry- performing, interacting with people, being on stage etc, therefore he must constantly be in distress (which is a lil ableist ngl)

Like, I’m sure he’s still a bit immature, and has some growing up to do, but he’s not walking around with SOS tattooed on his forehead ya know?

Anyway, love your readings. Can’t wait for the dorm dynamics one you mentioned in your other post - I’m so curious what goes on with in Chan and IN

Thank youu💗💗💗 and yeah I've noticed that with other members or other idols too in general. Like they hear something about the idol (in hans case that he has social anxiety) and they project that on any little "weird" behavior that they exhibit (by weird i mean something thats outside of the persona the idol usually portrays). I understand the good intentions of wanting to protect their belived idols but a fan can't really do much protecting if we're being honest. And more often than not (almost always) the fans' interference does more damage than good. Imagine you get an anxiety attack once, because you're swarmed by people. And now the whole world thinks you have an anxiety disorder. Maybe you've never thought of yourself as someone with anxiety, maybe this happens like once every 5 years. But now everyone talks about your anxiety and kind of unintentionally forces that on you. After a while you start identifying with it and might indeed exhibit auch symptoms. And because of that whole thing fans do when they escalate a little situation they've only witnessed a fraction of - i believe lots of idols are afraid to share more deeper stuff with their fans, just because they'll take a small piece of information and immediately infantilize the idol and turn it all into a much bigger thing than it is. This - even if it comes from good intentions - is a harmful behaviour many fans should unlearn because it keeps their beloved idol quite and in fear of sharing whats on their heart with their fans. Thats my thoughts on the matter😅got a bit long tho.

And about han, tbh i forgot he had anxiety before you mentioned it here😅 why i thought he's much more unstable is actually because of his songs and what he often shares in interviews as well as the members about him. He has said several times he feels alienated from the world and has difficulties socializing and fitting in, at the same time he's a very sensitive and creative person and has even some genius like traits - and all this taken into consideration i thought he would be having a much harder time sorting out his thoughts and finding his place in the world. But he seems to be actually doing really fine, which makes me happy cuz i think he's such a charming, sweet guy🥰

And yeah, i think ill be doing that reading the following days sometime. Its def not too far back in my queue:)

[arcadia-of-pluto]

Galaxy Corner; ✨️

Hey guys! I decided since I'm going to try to post things more often, I thought a nice little bio/about section was necessary. So let's get into it! 🩷 And I hope this doesn't disappoint you, if y'all were waiting for an update

Age; it's in my bio, but I thought it would be good to have here too. As of this post, I'm 23.

Behind the Name ☆; I go by Pluto online since I wanted to see if I liked the name enough to use irl. A few years back when I realized I was non-binary, I thought a special "name" was necessary so I chose Pluto since it's, well, special to me. Pluto has always been my favourite planet (I cried when it was declared a dwarf planet) and Pluto has always been my favourite roman god so the name just stuck. I always felt like the name was connected to me and I feel really comfortable using it as such.

Oh! And the word "arcadia" in my username means "a region or scene of simple pleasure and quiet." So I feel like my username translates to "safe place of/for pluto"!

Sexuality & Gender identity; this isn't a necessary thing, per say, but I just wanted to add it. I don't mind any pronouns used toward me, I don't really have a preference either. It is what it is and all of that. When it comes to sexuality, I assume I'm pan? I really only care for personality, but I do have a preference for men or more masculine people.

About Me; I dropped out of college, because I couldn't afford to dorm and I submitted my schedule way too late so I got classes I didn't want or simply couldn't do. I have crippling, social anxiety but once I warm up to someone, I'm 100% a yapper. I can ramble along all day if I'm on a topic I like. I have rosacea, which is a skin condition where the blood vessel in your cheeks are inflamed. It gives off an appearance of constantly blushing or sometimes a bad sunburn depending on the day. It also causes acne breakouts so very fun. I have four tattoos, all small, and I only like two of them. The other two are a bit too basic for my liking. I've dated twice in my life, both horrible experiences. I could say so much about them but that's a topic for another day. I'm left-handed and I used to draw a lot but now I struggle even holding a pencil since it's been so long. And that's...honestly all that's interesting about me! Nothing much else, I'm pretty boring otherwise. My personality really reflects off of the person who I'm talking to so, otherwise, I struggle trying to come up with a mental image of myself. 🩷 well that got too deep-

Experience; I've been rping since I was ten, writing oneshots on wattpad since I was fifteen until I stopped when my 600k views oneshot fic on wattpad got taken down for mature content 😞 so I do apologize if I'm work comes off as dated or a bit childish and short! I've never wrote long form content besides multi chapters of a singular oneshot

Plans for the future; I do have a part time job, but I'm planning on writing more fics and oneshots in the future! I have up to nineteen chapters written so far on ToF (Twist of Fate) and I have been writing down ideas for new oneshots or even shorter series for the future. I'm not sure how long ToF will be but I doubt it'll be more than 100...100 seems like a lot, and Love and Deepspace is still an ongoing game so I can't exactly wrap up the story any time soon. I also plan on posting some original works to here, though most will be isekai-themed since I've been really into those kinds of stories lately. My google docs are filled the the brim with ideas

Upload schedule; Weekends will be when I'm most active when it comes to posting since I work Monday through Friday, but I'll be semi-active throughout the day. I have a little bit of downtime at work, and a lot of downtime before and after work so I'll have time to reply to comments or follow anyone back!

Time Zone; For uploading purposes, I thought it would be good to disclose this. It's not too big of a deal, I feel. My time zone is CST.

Any other Fandom stories; I might get back to my old BTS ideas. I have a few ideas involving them so I might also add them. This is a multi-fandom account after all, but my main focus will be Love and Deepspace.

Currently reading; I get a lot of my inspiration from different animes, manga, and manhwas so you might seem common tropes reflected in my work. A lot of isekai and regression manhwas like "Who made me a princess?", "Actually, I was the real one.", and "Villains are Destined to Die" for example are really good and really got me into liking the isekai genre as a whole.

Side notes; While I do look over my writing, there will probably be some spelling errors or swapped words since my brain tends to skip over words whenever I type so if you notice anything like that, don't be afraid to let me know. If it's a huge mistake, I'll fix it but if it's something simple- like needing an extra comma or something, I'll leave it since it doesn't affect the overall reading quality.

Now, with that all being said, I hope you're excited for the next two or three chapters that I'm going to post this weekend 🩷 Some of my favourite parts are coming up soon!

Also, if I need to add anything else, just let me know! I've never had to talk about myself much, if at all ○o。.

[braindamagedboykisser]

So I'm in therapy for my ADHD and depression/anxiety and my therapist has told me exactly what I see in a lot of posts here, like how happiness is a feeling, not a goal and it's never constant and that if we don't face our fears then we let them control us, but it's never helped me because I already know, but the issue comes when I try and do anything about it. I don't expect everyone to like me or even want everyone to like me, but when there is a near weekly social beatdown because I simply lack the ability to understand social cues, tone of voice or volume control, that leaves me fucked up, and when I try to work on that, it gets to be nearly impossible to ever make any progress, and it never gets better.

Every time someone tells me that I shouldn't expect to be happy all the time and that life just sucks and I need to get used to it it makes me want to put my head through the drywall because I already fucking know that, but clearly it sucks more for me, even if it looks like I'm fine or like I should be happy because the root issue is not material, but psychological, which can't be fixed with a simple "cheer up." The issue has never been me expecting to always be happy, but never being happy. What really makes it suck is that people only see me when I'm having a good time, so maybe in that moment I'm fine, once I'm at home I go into withdrawals from just being normal to the point of suicidal thoughts. I love being with people sometimes and Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgivings and other events like that are almost always a great time *until* the day is done and I lay down at night, because then the good time is over and there's nothing to distract me from the depression which hits hard and all at once right then. What should be me riding the high of having a good time with friends and family is instead me holding myself to my bed to keep myself from either killing myself or finding some substance to dull the pain.

I think what makes the depression so bad is the fact that I don't think I really have anything to be truly depressed about, I'm just depressed because I am. If I had something to actually be this miserable about, at least there's a reason, but I'm just sad about being sad. It just makes me feel like I'm faking it, which only creates a negative spiral of self doubt and self loathing.

So that was all a pretty big downer, and I'll admit that I'm not in a good place, but after all that I feel like I should end on a high note, so here's a few.

I turn 17 in January, which is a checkpoint of sorts for me. On one hand I'm stressed as hell about the fact that I'm almost 17 and about just how much I still have to grow mentally and emotionally in just the next few months because of how early I'm moving out, but on the other hand, holy shit, I'm amazing, I made it, and I get all these opportunities and options. It's a lot and there's a lot of strong and swinging emotions, but as long as I have the friends I have I think I'll make it.

I've also made new friends and cut out cancerous ones, and I've built what I think is a good support group and in general a good friend group.

I got myself out of my high school, which was definitely a toxic and unhealthy environment, and into a dual enrollment program where I do work from home and go to a college class in the evening where I can pretty much just sit in silence. Also since my hyperfixation has been in HVAC, I have been shining in that class.

I know that post went all over the place with little or no cohesion, and if you made it this far you're more dedicated than me, but I honestly needed to put all this out, and doing this has helped in the past.

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

My weekly roundup CW 17

I try to write down my thoughts after watching stuff to create a little weekly ranking in relation to the previous week on my, most of the times, quiet sundays (and because I love lists!). These are just my personal opinions and preferences.

And yes, this may contain spoilers!

→ 1. The Eighth Sense (9+10/10 Final)

Phew. How should I sum up my feelings about it? Korea has a knack for good stories, for me, anyway. And this story is definitely one of my favorites and one of the best I've seen so far. And you can tell it's leaning more towards western television. You can notice the Skam notation and also a bit of the Young Royals setting. But what about the last episodes? I knew there was going to be a happy ending because I was spoilered thanks to MDL, since the movie has already aired in Korea. Nonetheless, for me the journey is the destination, I also like to spoil myself on purpose sometimes. Because while I knew it would end well, I didn't know what the journey would be like. And the way was so beautiful! JaeWon is slowly realizing that his life belongs to him and he won't be better off if he excludes JiHyun from it. He worries so much about not hurting others, about what he thinks is good for others, without looking at what the others might want. He hurts JiHyun much more by avoiding him and excluding him from his life, and he's starting to realize that. And yes, in the end they meet again and this reunion climaxes in such an unbelievably great kiss and a night where both of them can hardly sleep because they can't stop looking at each other and finally enjoying each other's closeness. And JaeWon is completely absorbed in the role of "it's now or never, you only live once and screw everyone else". He's with JiHyun and he doesn't give a shit who knows it all then. And the message of it all: they don't know if they'll make it and stay together, but that doesn't stop them from trying anyway, giving themselves a chance and believing in something positive. It's worth allowing some happiness and love in your life. I am thrilled by this series. The only thing that bothered me a bit was the "reconciliation" with EunJi and TaeHyung.

↑ 2. My Story (3/10)

I was so looking forward to the next episode. Not necessarily because of the good acting of the main couple or their chemistry, but because of Zeke and Fifth! I got a really bad second-couple-syndrome! They're just so cute together, even though I really didn't need the close-ups of their feet! But Fifth was jealous! Ahhhh! And makes no bones about finding men attractive. What's going on with the main couple? I don't know. They briefly didn't interest me after the kissing-after-puking moment…that wasn't romantic that was gross!

Yes, I might be lowkey obsessed with them...

☼ 3. Happy Merry Ending (1+2/8)

Korea is coming up big this year with plots that deal with social anxiety and depression. I'm curious to see how this will be implemented here. In the first episode, we definitely learned that SeungJun has trauma and is medicated in that regard. It seems to be an important, central theme. Especially as a wedding singer who only dares to perform wearing sunglasses because he's afraid of the looks of the audience. And in return, we have JaeHyun who can fit in well with groups and new environments. I love JaeHyun already! He's so obviously hit hard with SeungJun and I love it! He is so direct and wants to spend time with him. Oh love at first sight! Love it!

☼ 4. La Pluie (1/12)

La Pluie surprised me. I didn't think the story would pick me up like that in the first episode. Yes, the concept of going deaf when it rains and only being able to hear your soulmate's voice (even if he's not present but telepathic) takes some getting used to, but I honestly found it quite cute. And yes, love at first sight is also a little favorite of mine. So Tai goes deaf but can hear his soulmate's voice in his head when it rains. However, he has mostly refused to answer him so far because he doesn't believe in soulmates or love. After all, his parents, who were also supposed to be soulmates, divorced each other. That changed his view of love. But his first encounter with the person behind the voice in his head perhaps showed him, what he might miss, if he doesn't reach out already. And as a second couple, we have an enemies-to-lovers story! I am excited!

↓ 5. Our Dining Table (4/10)

Yutaka's brother is just an asshole. But he couldn't help it as a child/teenager, but the parents could have said something. It's so easy to say you're part of the family now and then just ignore when the son bullies the adopted son like that. I want to box him and the parents. And Minoru wants to know so much more about Yutaka. He's so on his way to totally falling in love with Yutaka and his sensitive nature. And he's so sweet and insecure about it. I'm happy if Yutaka can open up to him a little bit.

↓ 6. A Boss And A Babe (9/12)

Yeah, what can I say. Gun is an idiot if he really thinks Cher betrayed him like that. And then he doesn't talk to him right away but gives him the cold shoulder first. Uncool, boss! And the friends realize that Cher was apparently a bit more serious with the boss after all. Even though they're there for him, I'm still pissed about last week. The sleepover was really nice though. Even friendships are not without drama. But it all works out in the end. Gun breaks Cher's Gameboy, but repairs it right away because of his bad conscience. But that's it for the drama, at least between Cher and Gun, right?

↑ 7. The Promise (7/10)

Party, my man! He has really thought, if you can not, Phu, then I'll show you how it's done right! Well, the result was rather so devastating, but I love how Nan reacted! As a person who has witnessed both sides, I think Nan gave the best reaction possible. He showed Party and told him that he is important to him and is and will be his best friend. And Party can now so slowly detach himself from the feeling. It is indeed easier to do such a thing when it is spoken out. Well and Phu��I even understand him. He just has zero hopes, so why jeopardize the friendship? Even though Nan took every opportunity to touch Phu's face in the morning…You can apply sunscreen several times, come on I'll show you. Yeah, right! The two of them have to finally talk to each other. And of course Phu isn't Nan's best friend anymore, because Nan doesn't consider him a friend anyway, he just doesn't quite understand yet what Phu actually is to him. Good episode.

↓ 8. Naked Dining (3/10)

Ohhhh, Futa is jealous! You can tell already very much that the two like each other a bit much. And finally the naked dining was back! And also with the homemade food he made together with Mahori. Yes, this is a rather quiet series as well. I don't know how much drama we can expect, but so far it's a gentle sprinkling. And I'm permanently hungry by the time I'm done with the episodes…

↓ 9. Step By Step (2/12)

Hm. I don't know. I don't like Jeng? And all the colleagues just suck! And then Pat is supposed to leave the only one who is nice to him and who is on the same page with him alone, because there might be gossip? That's bullshit! So I found the second episode not quite as convincing. The friends, on the other hand, except for the slip of his friend, who met professionally with his ex, I still find great!

↓ 10. Our Skyy 2 (3+4/16)

I really wanted to like it. But shit, was it boring! It's a fireworks display of cheesy dialogue…And what kind of ring is that? Am I just too anti-romantic to find that beautiful? I mean, yes, cute, sunflower and star together, but that's too much for a ring…And I have an idea for a new drinking game: A shot every time one of the two says I love you! And finally the cringiest quotes...

"Dao, you're trusting the right person, because I no longe know how to love anyone else. You're the only one I love." "Will you eat breakfast first or eat me first?" "I am all yours, Kluen. Yours and yours only, Kluen." "Once our home is done, our parents will discuss our wedding plans." (Even though Kluen didn't ask and Dao couldn't say yes…)

→ 11. Tin Tem Jai

I took notes: Why did a series like Tin Tem Jai have to include a drug storyline? There was no resolution to the story whatsoever, except that Kana would hit Pao if he took drugs again. Problem solved…Wow! Screw Pao's problems, they'll take care of themselves! Next, I noted: Why does Tin continue to be portrayed as this little boy. That just feels wrong to me. And again, I ask myself the question, how old is Tin supposed to be? And further, you guys can just kiss like that. You don't have to wait until your birthday. The whole kissing contact just doesn't feel good. There's just too much riding on the fact that Park is so much older and more experienced than Tin. I am constantly confused and not feeling good. Luckily next epsiode will be the last one! Finally!

[allamericansbitch]

oh i've had some existential anxiety in my time, i can maybe help other anon!

so different techniques obviously work for different people, but one really big thing that worked for me was keeping a journal and using it. for me, i got really anxious after graduating school and trying to figure out what to do next, so i would make a lot of lists of what i wanted or needed to do and organize all my overwhelming thoughts into categories. being able to look at it on the page made it feel smaller and more manageable and then it enabled me to prioritize and form action plans to achieve smaller goals and work up to tackling some of the bigger worries. my therapist told me to try and focus on living one day at a time and save worrying about the future for when i actually have to do it. that's sooooo hard imo, but i think it is easier to do that when you break things down into smaller pieces or even schedule them out day by day

as far as the state of the world, i actually started limiting my intake of the news to only one day a week (and i blocked out everything about politics on social media so it can't show up without me clicking on it) and i also started shifting away from reading so many short news articles to trying to focus on longer nonfiction works like books that go into more nuanced detail about issues and tend to be less anxiety-inducing than articles designed to get a lot of clicks quickly. unfortunately, there are just a lot of things that are super valid to be stressed out about right now, so for me it's kind of more about knowing my own limits and taking care of myself so that im still able to keep going every day and put forth the energy to help work towards the progress that i want to see

neither of these will get rid of the fear entirely (at least, they don't for me lol), but i think in general finding a way to sit with the anxiety and honor it and recognize that it comes from very real feelings helps to put things in perspective sometimes ❤️ i hope u find a way to enjoy your vacation anon, i've absolutelyyyy been there and it sucks to feel like you are just stuck in your own head when you could be having fun

these are so smart and helpful, thank you so much! i hope anon sees this and i really hope they help!

[javacad0]

Finally explaining my absence

https://www.deviantart.com/jay-javacad0/journal/Finally-explaining-my-absence-1064284972

"+ MORE SOCIALS BELOW

This will probably be the last post I make on DeviantArt so LISTEN UP!

And don't worry, nothing really serious has been going on aside from the typical mental shit we all get sometimes. Either way, I just felt the need to step away for a few months.

As for why... well, for starters, I just couldn't keep up with the pace. Part of why I made a Discord is so I could still interact with some of my followers and mutuals without having to commit to such a rapid schedule and post everything on here all the time (except it's not actually everything, just the best looking things), and that's what encouraged me to finally take that big break I didn't even know I've been craving the whole time.

I'm glad to have DA and have made it as far as I did, but lord it can be draining trying to stay active, especially for someone who just doesn't like to run around constantly working on shit in general.

The more time I spent away, the more I questioned whether staying here was even worth it anymore. And I mean, specifically here.

To make a long story short, I'm actually leaving DeviantArt and moving socials. I'm sure I don't have to explain why.

It's really a shame that I must do this, I have quite the history with this site (eight on-and-off years) and it's where I met some of my closest friends currently, but if DeviantArt wants to reject humanity and become Deviantron 3000, then I'll let it. I'm not necessarily proud or happy for her transition, but I respect her.

And like I said, I have a list of links to all my new accounts at the bottom of this journal. As of now, pretty much all of them are completely empty, but if you want to support me, I encourage you to please follow them! As for this account, I'm not going to deactivate it, I'm just going to leave it as is to serve as a little old archive for all my older Pokemon related work. Which brings me to my next announcement...

As for another decision I've made within my break, which could be good news or bad news depending on how you take it...

I am now fully committed to transitioning "Street Cat" (now Flea Season) from a Pokemon series to an original one. Some of the later images in my gallery may give you an idea of what it will look like, but a lot of changes are being made every day so those designs are already more than outdated.

Reasons include more creative liberty and freedom, an excuse to just restart from the ground up without the pressure of forcing in all these Pokemon elements and PG filters because there are more kids, and uhh... the relief of not just being followed because of a fandom but rather my own general interests.

I hate that I'm coming back here after about three months, only to tell everyone I'm leaving DA and discontinuing my series... sort of, but it's what needs to be told. I'm sorry I've put this journal off for so long, I've been so caught up with real life stuff, and constantly battling exhaustion, anxiety, ADHD, amongst other likely issues in between. So in terms of productivity, I'm basically frozen in place. It certainly hasn't gotten easier, but I want to at least try to pick myself back up before July.

So I will be doing ArtFight this year. By the time it comes around, that account will be showcasing all my current designs and where everyone is at now. I can't promise there will be much to present aside from a rushed lineup, or that I'll participate much in general, but at least it's something.

I've also had thoughts about a more public Discord server, but there's usually a lot of responsibility and general bullshit that comes with maintaining one, so I'll have to think carefully about that.

I don't know how to conclude this aside from saying I appreciate y'all for the support you've all given me on here over the past year and a half, I'm so glad to have made it this far and feel good about what's to come next.

That being said, here's all my current accounts you can expect me to continue my work on, from most to least likely to be active (plus my AF again just in case).

https://artfight.net/~javacad0 https://sheezy.art/javacad0 https://javacad0.tumblr.com/ (main blog and the only thing that isn't currently completely empty) https://str33t-c4t.tumblr.com/ (current series blog, will either be reconstructed or replaced)

(Just... just trust the process. I'll get to posting and makeovers after July.)

It is 4am as I am finishing this journal, but if you're reading this the next day, then uh... have a great rest of your day and I hope to see you again soon.

I will respond to comments here and notes, and may comment some add-on info myself. Otherwise, I'm signing off. Love y'all."