#sometimes I feel like I've come so far with my social anxiety and other times I feel like I've not changed one bit since I finished school

[vaultlink]

The Bocchi the Rock Recap movies were so much fun. The way they reorganized things and how they cut stuff down without losing much, it was worth the watch.

Using the kessoku band songs that weren't apart of live performances as montage music to cut down the cute girls doing cute things to the important moments without completely losing them was perfect.

And how they used segments from the early episodes as flashbacks, love it.

I can't describe the feeling, getting to the end of the second movie, seeing the shot at the end of Bocchi getting ready to leave home with her new guitar and the movie going to a modified version of the post credits walk down the street where she suddenly stops to think and it starts rewinding EVERYTHING all the way back to the first scene in the entire anime that had been skipped completely in the first movie, of elementary Bocchi being lead away by a teacher.

Oh how far she's come.

[the-voice-of-night-vale]

social anxiety can be really funny in retrospect bc it will have you saying shit like 'is it weird to call a doctor's office and schedule an appointment?"with 100% sincerity and panicking about it as if that's not the silliest thing in the world

[maythearo]

I kinda accidentally been away :(

When I take a hiatus you'll see I don't announce it beforehand because it usually just happens instead of being a planned thing, so I apologize if I made people worry about me (again) but I'm doing fine! A plethora of things happened in the time being, and I feel like it's relevant to mention them here for some clarity. (I didn't intend to make this post so long, I'll crop here so it's easier to navigate)

First I feel like I have been falling out of love with art as a whole. My interest in a lot of stuff has been fading away, I haven't been keeping up with twst for one, and since a lot of my inspiration comes from the stuff I'm hyperfixating on I barely have been creating anything. My uni assigments so far were uninspired at best lol it sucks my mood relies so much on art and vice versa. The only times I feel actual joy is when I'm hanging out with my friends every now and then, I'm mostly alone through the rest of the week.

And it's with this habit of going out that I fluctuated towards using less social media. I don't think I ever liked having a presence online, and that's something I've been doing since highschool for no reason that matters to me anymore. Just quitting isn't something I can do because first, I think it's important getting my news from it; and second, I still want to do commissions, and I'm aiming to turn my socials into something more professional in the near future, rather than the life diary that I had a tendency of building them as. Of course there's nothing wrong with making socials a personal thing, it's just not my style, and with my anxiety of being perceived I realized I can only handle so much of it lol

I also had some personal losses, and it feels like a lot of people around me were having a hard time with theirs coincidentally, so that made me kinda sad too. I won't specify much but I think that's worth mentioning.

The tldr is that I'm lost, I don't know how I got here, and I feel like it only gets worse the longer I stand around doing nothing but I prefer to think that sometimes things get worse before they get better, I know they will get better.

I'm writing all of this from the perspective of how I feel at the moment, the conclusions I'm taking with this kinda depressive state of mind, so I imagine things can still change once I begin to feel brighter again, who knows.

Thank you for everyone who left kind messages on my askbox after all this time, idk if I can reply to all individually but I did read them and I appreciate them very much! I hope everyone is doing well too and staying safe.

And on a side note I'm sorry to the people who asked other things related to my art/blog way before I took this break, I wanted to answer them in a fun way but they've gathered too much dust by now and my inspiration is long gone. I think I'll be cleaning up my askbox since the longer I leave it unnatended the more overwhelmed it makes me feel 😥 I messed it up this time I admit, I apologize again to everyone I kept waiting.

I have a few old drawings I haven't shared here yet, maybe I'll post them if I manage to remember it :)

[darkkitty1208]

The past few weeks before I finally returned from my unofficial hiatus, I've lost a lot of my motivation to write and anything to do with being part of the fandom as a whole. I contemplated quitting and never returning again, deleting all my works and socials and any other trace of me anyone could find, but I know that it's just the anxiety talking and my brain playing tricks with me due to IRL stress and that logically, I *do* have a place here in the fandom space. So I held back.

Now that I'm here again -- and have been welcomed very warmly by dear friends -- the urge to create has finally come around again and I want to get back into writing. It's just that, god, I feel very rusty. It's been quite a while and I feel like the words have run away from me after not using them for so long. I look into my mostly-abandoned WIPs and I can't find the right way to continue them.

But despite that, I decided to do a bit of the good ol' self-projecting and started a WIP (instead of finishing my old ones, lol). It's not much, but it's something. I felt compelled to share in hopes it would motivate me to write some more. This is all I've got so far, and it is admittedly very rough, but it's getting there.

~

Here’s the thing: healing isn't linear.

These are words repeated over and over again by those who you wouldn't think ever even had to heal. They're the kind of words that would lose its meaning the more they're said, and have you start wondering if to some people, they ever had any sort of meaning to begin with.

You can never really tell where it starts or where it finishes, or how it happened or if it ever did happen, the same way the flawed five stages of grief could never explain the true act of mourning and the same way your every emotion defies anything your logic could ever tell you.

Sometimes, Stephen finds, some things are just unexplainable like that.

Sometimes, Stephen doesn't think he's capable of healing. Sometimes, especially in nights where every bit of his sanity starts to fall apart and each choking breath would sting as it enters his damned lungs, he thinks he's too far gone to be capable of it at all.

(Sometimes he would sit silently and stare into nothing, thinking about the way nobody would understand that at some point in his life, he wasn't the man he used to be anymore. Sometimes he could feel it, the thing that consumed him, that took away who he was, and the way it would take up every space in his ribcage and burn his insides like acid, the way it would rip apart the space in his chest where his heart used to be. Sometimes he would think about it, and the way that it makes him nothing but an empty shell of a man. Every day that thing would grow inside of him and one day, it might ruin him; as if he isn't already far too broken to begin with.)

But it's here, in the roof of a sentient building he's grown to call his home where various pots are neatly arranged in small shelves, with his trembling fingers digging into rich soil and dirt sticking underneath his fingernails, that he starts to find proof that maybe, he had the capability after all.

It's here that he understands why humans would pick up a trowel and spend so much time getting on their hands and knees to dirty themselves with grimes of dirt.

There's something about the green of the Earth and the smell of her moist dirt in the early mornings, damp from the moon's tears, that soothes a part of him that he couldn't quite identify. There's something comforting about the mindless action of digging and burying and placing and watering. There's something comforting about knowing that his damaged fingers could sprout life even if it all depended on time.

But that's the thing, isn't it? Everything is just a matter of time.

(Sometimes he wishes healing isn't linear, the way he wishes time doesn't march on an ascending line.)

He remembers the same damp smell of moss and the same smudges of dirt on the knees of his trousers back then, the first time he was taught about gardening and farming and sprouting life from seeds.

He had still been a small boy in Nebraska, back then. He had been young, and he had never understood patience the way he does now. He didn't understand that what he planted was something that, if anything, was considered a miracle, and that miracles took time, and that miracles don't last forever. He didn't understand that life and decay is just a matter of time, and that everything including himself would eventually be nothing but rotting flesh and cracked bones, becoming one with the earth and consumed by the maggots and mushrooms.

Because that's the thing: everything is just a matter of time.

The experience had meant nothing to him then, and had taught him nothing much of anything at all, but it means something to him now.

[kiwiwinjindouche]

Just a "quick word" (it isn't) to thank you all.

I really am so thankful to have you because everyone is so chill with all my cringeness - I don't "care about numbers", I'm not a "big account" either, but I've never attempted to be one anyway. When I started posting things here, I didn't know how nor where to start, where this'll lead me, and I never thought so many people would be interested by my silly ideas and the such. I never lied about my favorite dude, and I know he's definitely not a lot appreciated, but that's Tumblr for you, I suppose! (I never thought I'd stumble upon a few other people who ship my rarepair either and everyday I'm so glad for all this). (I remember comments two years ago or so on Instagram where people were like "lmao wtf delete this" and I never really cared about it, because I know this is a controversial ship - and even if sometimes i feel really cringe/like i'm going too far, overall i don't want to stop because it makes me happy and I'm not hurting anyone)

I'm still a bit insecure from time to time, because I'm only 24 and full of stupid and good vibes, there's literally no way for me to be able to truly write the mindset of a 40ish mad inventor, and i tend to make people softer than they are sometimes, so if i do anything wrong with him, that's definitely not on purpose. I'm only delulu about his fate, but you can't come to me like "what about the atrocities! he's not nice!" and well, fork found in kitchen? It doesn't stop me to want him to be more than just that 'evil dude' and I like to see and explore what could have brought him to this (his past probably left some trauma on him and that doesn't help) (not to forgive anything or idk but imagine being hated by everyone around you, as a child that's fucked up)

You're making this 'fandom experience' fantastic and I met amazing people and I'd love to talk more with everyone but I'm so bad at social and PM on Tumblr GJDSJGFKLGDSKGJ I'm really sorry about my lack of social skills and how much i don't see passing time (anxiety? adhd? autism? could explain things, i can easily get overwhelmed by life and i'm very slow, a little french snail) (tbh, I don't have a lot of 'fandom experience', my first one was with Pokemon and I've met some of my dearest friends thanks to it, and a bit of Baldur's Gate 3 but it has to be one of the worst fandom ever lmao, and I followed it on Twitter, so yeah that was a strange experience)

Thank you all once again for existing, best wishes and much love <3

(I was feeling like getting emotional on main, but I've wanted to do this for a week or so. And even if we don't talk a lot, I appreciate every one of you and I support you)

[kaycode1999]

From Anonymous

Hiya! I've been seeing your match up for awhile and was sooo nervous to ask but i finally got the courage to ask an LMK match up! I'm an adult so l don't want to be matched up with any children and l'd like not to be matched up with wukong please but if your match up are close sorry for the bother I have you have a good day/night

I'm a girl I am straight and I discovered recently that im demi l have ADD anxiety depression I am autistic I have to admit that I'm a very touched starved person and a yearn for romance im a hopeless romantic but I'm genuinely so shy when meeting people but once you get to know me l'm someone you can count on for life my friends says I'm the embodiment of a Disney princess

I also did theater camp everyone summer as a kid so l'm a huge theater kids I ADORE plays musicals are even better!! I draw a lot too and I draw in the anime art style ^^ due to past friendship I have trust issues I've been betrayed by my best friend in the past and I am self conscious due to people putting me aside and completely forgetting about me l'm basically a shadow of some people I feel like sometimes I have a huge fear of the dark but maybe if someone could show me that the dark can also be beautiful would be helpful im someone who one of theire love lanquage is physical touch so l'm very cuddly but I get over stimulated a lot mostly with sounds and when i am out too long to socialize so l need someone would be ok with silence

Like I said I yearn for romance but I'm scard to be hurt again

I looove men with dark hair specifically black I like when it's long too just long enough to make a ponytail I need someone who won't mind me being « dramatic » sometimes cause I can be dramatic at time over little things

I've also noticed im falling for the dark type of men the one who we see as the villain

And someone who will be patient with me because l'm scard to open up about my feelings so someone who will be there to lend me a listening ear

I match you with

Macaque

I think he is also on the demi side. He needs to feel a connection for any romantic relationship or physical affection/intimacy

He also has some depression and anxiety so he understands those problems on a personal level

You both help each other through it

He’s done a few things in the past that he isn’t proud of. That’s to say there are many times where he gets in his head that he doesn’t deserve to have someone at all let alone someone who treats him with such love and caring like you. He won’t believe he deserves it but with your assurance and love those times will be few and far between

Similarly, because he doesn’t believe he deserves it being touchy feely or physically affectionate will be slow going and a struggle but he’ll get there eventually. Honestly, he’s touched starved too so he comes to really enjoy it after being deprived for so long

He understands being shy at first but he’s really happy once you get comfortable around him.

Not that he didn’t think you were adorable before but once he sees you out of your shell is when he really falls in love

You both share a love of theatre

He will get you art supplies and will keep whatever you draw him. Some are framed but the rest he keeps in a book for safe keeping

He feels he’s been betrayed in past and has a lot of trust issues himself, so though it might be a little more difficult to navigate you both understand what the other has been through and build the trust to know the other wouldn’t betray that trust

You both have struggles with self confidence but through building your relationship you both help the other with it

He is a mystic monkey with shadow powers so he definitely wants to show you the dark isn’t so scary

I don’t know if one of his love languages is physical touch necessarily but he comes to enjoy it with you and he would never mind if you’re cuddly

He really doesn’t mind silence, so whatever helps you get not over stimulated

He definitely has dark hair and it looks long enough to be in a pony tail

He doesn’t mind if you’re dramatic. It kind of reminds him of Wukong, which brings up the past which isn’t fun. However, when YOU are he just thinks it’s amusing

You’re both patient and a listening ear for the other

[crocheting-cupio]

hiii :] favorite nin songs? i'm curious what others we might share

Hello! :) It's going to be hard not to include everything on The Fragile and Broken, but I will try!

La Mer -> The Great Below -> The Way Out Is Through -> Into The Void. I feel like these four are one continuous work and and they are their strongest together. So I will count them as "one song." Anyway, they impacted me harder than The Downward Spiral (the album) did, which I didn't think was possible. Together, they are one of my favourite works of art of all time. And as someone who went to art school I've seen a lot of incredible art in all kinds of mediums.

Please. I mentioned this in my response to your post but IT KEEPS REPEATING! WILL YOU PLEASE COMPLETE ME?! [Clears throat] I don't know what came over me just then. So basically I wasn't the same man after hearing this for the first time. In my brain, being the writer and composer of Please is one of Trent's highest accomplishments. It's that good to me.

Pilgrimage. I think this one also altered my brain chemistry. It's such a weird track and I can't stop thinking about it. Also the auditory textures are immaculate.

The Becoming. This song is everything to me. Odd time signatures that never feel steady, sounds meant to make you feel very uncomfortable, long verses that never seem to end, extremely deliberate but strange sounding emphasis on syllables, I could go on forever.

Reptile. I don't know how to explain it but this song puts me on a new plane of existence. It feels like an emotional state that is both everything at once and nothing at all. Not to mention it being an incredible work of sound design.

Sin. I wouldn't be reposting the PHM fancam every Monday if I didn't absolutely LOVE this song. It was one of the first NIN songs I heard, and I said to myself "I don't care if the rest of what this guy made is crap, this is one of the best songs I've ever heard."

Ringfinger. A track so underrated sometimes even I forget how good it is. Just generally a really good song that I love, not a lot more to say.

Happiness in Slavery. I love this one because in the intense parts it feels like the song itself is attacking me (positive) but in the quieter moments it feels like a cry for help.

Suck. I really like the balance of intensity, rage, and heavy textures mixed with quiet, sensual, and regretful moments. It's like Closer and The Big Come Down put into a blender.

Only. Immensely catchy with very relatable lyrics, this is one of Trent's best for sure. Actually, it has helped me with social anxiety. If I get really anxious that no one actually likes me, I start singing "I just made (that version of) you UP, to HURT myself" until I convince myself no one actually feels that way about me.

Sunspots. The bass in this one is just incredible, I can almost feel the airwaves vibrate through my body. Combined with Trent's gentle and quiet voice it's a very pleasant sensory experience. Great for decompression after sensory overload.

The Line Begins to Blur. I really, really love the balance of noisiness and texture contrasted with smooth gentle sounds. It's very Fragile-esque but it feels more in control, focused, and significantly less "I'm dead inside." It's truly beautiful in every way.

Discipline. To be honest, Discipline > Head Like a Hole and The Hand That Feeds. Of all the very pop and mainstream songs Trent has made (that I've heard so far), this one is absolutely the strongest for me. It's so undoubtedly Nine Inch Nails, yet fits so perfectly amongst much less alternative/industrial artists. I'm 100% recommending it to anyone who wants to get into NIN. (My Mom also loves this song, it's her favourite NIN song I think.)

1,000,000. This one is kind of amazing to me because it's like every angry depression song Trent made up to that point rolled into one. Like actually just playing them all at the same time, I feel like I'm under psychic attack (positive). It's also... Unfortunately catchy. I have to be careful not to sing it out loud.

Thank you for the ask and for coming to my TED Talk! :)

[luna-loveboop]

Why don’t you have your pronouns in your bio? I want to interact with your account but as a trans person it makes me feels unsafe if an account doesn’t have pronouns listed. (Genuine question, not trying to attack or anything)

Hello hi :D

I generally take a long time to reply (I choose to take a while so I am not rushing my responses), but I want you to feel safe so I will try and respond quickly

***I tried to respond as a private ask but I think I can't, so my response to anon is under the cut. It is way too long, but I don't want to trim it down and keep friend waiting

^^tone indicators for all of my response is positive and genuine- I am curious and sincere

Thank you for sending this- I love that you are brave enough to ask and I hear you. I'm honoured that you like my account and would love for you to interact with it! I want you to feel safe tho, let's figure it out

Could I ask for advice? I am not yet completely understanding of tumblr or how everything works. I'm not certain what a bio is or where to put it.

I have so far avoided posting a pinned post, or having personal information in my blog description (<is that bio?). I have preferred just having posts- I am also not very comfortable reblogging things yet. I'm not certain how to explain why, but that is the form my anxiety has taken in managing my account appearance. Is it ok to leave it as is?

As far as changes I am slow on that as well, and might take a bit- but again I will try to hurry because I never want you to feel unsafe. You are worth any extent of kindness

So if I may ask- what is a blog bio, and where would I be supposed to put my pronouns? I think others have explained a bit on this but sometimes I don't understand immediately. Is this something that will make people feel unsafe? And may I ask why? I understand if this is uncomfortable, but I always want to be honest and genuine, and learn rather than pretending I know everything. I am autistic and often take a long time to understand things socially. Could not having pronouns be seen as a rejection of my trans friends?

I also have believed they/them to be the sort of default- as a sign of respect for my trans people I say they/them if I am uncertain. I want to help people feel validated with they/them, rather than assume and say something that is not who they are

My pronouns are she/her! :D but I am ok with they/them as normal which is another reason I hadn't put them.

I have several friends I plan on asking for advice on this as well, but I would love advice from your perspective. I want to make sure your concerns specifically are cared for since you asked. If you are ok to go off of anon, could you dm me or talk in replies? I want to learn. Or you could send me asks in anon- but I do not want to seem like I’m telling you what to do, or demand you talk openly if it makes you uncomfortable.

Friend :)

If I have accidentally said something very offensive I am so sorry and please help me understand- I have a heart for you even if words get in the way. I hope I am not defensive- learning and growing and changing are the best parts of life

If anything I said came across as rude or blunt I am sorry- I tell you that is not what I mean and I want to be friendly and light. I struggle with language sometimes (sometimes) which is why I normally take long to respond.

...

Hi friend! I think you are very cool and you've made me happy- now I can learn more :D if I was too intense or seemed demanding I am sorry- I got slightly panicked. I want you to feel heard and safe :)))

I feel secure in my gender identity and would not be adverse to being trans. I have spent so much time searching tho- I enjoy bragging about always having skirts with the best pockets.

I know this post is way too long and I repeated myself- I ramble lol but want to help you feel loved quickly

.

Edit: hate to add more, but hi anon! Many of my friends have come to help me understand more. Thank you for asking- I did not know and love to learn. I've added pronouns, and want to always make changes so people can feel safe. You don't have to go off of anon if you don't want, but if there's anything else I can do let me know. You are so so cool :)))

[crystalsamethyst]

I have let myself be extremely vulnerable recently and I don't know if it's something people really care about but I'm going to talk about it.

The fact that I've been sharing the whole picture of who I am across several platforms is something I never thought I'd be able to do. There has been so much embarrassment and shame in my personal life over me writing fanfiction and latching on to series that I could barely even admit it out loud even though it was my entire sense of self. I couldn't talk about what I was writing. I couldn't share it. Even if people were genuinely interested, I'd have a panic attack thinking their perception of me would be altered and I'd lose everything.

Sharing what I write is extremely difficult because on one hand, it's a part of me, but on the other hand, there are things I have to incorporate for the stories that don't represent me at all and I'm terrified of people coming to the wrong conclusions about who I am as a person. Even if the writing is 100% aligned with what I wanted for it, that still doesn't mean it's always who I am or what I like or approve of for real life.

I also never thought of myself as a 'real writer' until I finished my own original book since fanfiction 'doesn't count' (in my irl world).

My username on fanfiction sites is different than the ones I share things about my actual life on and it will probably stay that way. It always felt like such a disconnect but I intended to stay anonymous, post what I wanted to, and not get found by a select few people who seemed to be able to find and shame me wherever I went (still found me on some of the sites but by then they didn't hold power over me at least)

So recently, I've been linking my work which is on AO3 under the same username I use for all sites I've posted fanfics on. I've even put direct links to my AO3 in some of my online profiles. There's a lot of my old work out there that I don't want to be represented by but someone liked it so I'm not going to take them down.

This is a very vulnerable process for me, admitting that I am a person and here is what I like and here is what I write. It might take a while until I'm comfortable sharing everything I wanted to post, but if I eventually do, I really hope people won't come after me for it (super unlikely scenario but, anxiety). I'm not scared of online hate, but I'm terrified of losing the respect and friendships of those I've connected with even if there is nothing even 'socially' wrong with the stories.

I really appreciate the support I've gotten so far. Especially with the TGCF community. I've had to learn a lot on my own since I started posting things like 13 years ago, and I'm still figuring out AO3 and learning new terms. I sometimes feel like a new young fan just now learning how the internet works.

I've been isolated a lot of my life and have several mental health issues plus autism so I'm super knowledgeable in some areas but completely in the dark in others that might seem incredibly obvious and commonly known, and it's the same for fandoms and websites. (I've actually been apparently using Tumblr wrong this whole time too for the like system. I've been using it mostly as bookmarks or read laters. Whoops.)

On a lesser note, I also never imagined I would start drawing again. I actually used to be pretty good at it but again, was shamed and ridiculed for a lot and compared to others so I stopped for a really long time. I'm glad I can share it without being tooooo embarrassed anymore.

It means a lot to me to be so supported, and I would tag a few of you specifically but I don't want you guys to feel called out. But please know that your support and enthusiasm means the world to me and I appreciate and care about you very much. Thank you for helping me feel safe while I'm letting myself be vulnerable.

[changbinsboobs]

Your readings are so interesting ! I have been loving them so much. About Han being more stable than you thought, I agree and it doesn’t really surprise me much. I feel like the fandom sometimes hyperfocuses way too much on his mental health- they make it seem like anxiety (or any other mental issue) is an inherent personality trait of his, which is why a lot of fandom seem to think he’s a mess. Also I feel like a lot of people can’t wrap their heads around the idea that somebody with anxiety could possible enjoy the idol industry- performing, interacting with people, being on stage etc, therefore he must constantly be in distress (which is a lil ableist ngl)

Like, I’m sure he’s still a bit immature, and has some growing up to do, but he’s not walking around with SOS tattooed on his forehead ya know?

Anyway, love your readings. Can’t wait for the dorm dynamics one you mentioned in your other post - I’m so curious what goes on with in Chan and IN

Thank youu💗💗💗 and yeah I've noticed that with other members or other idols too in general. Like they hear something about the idol (in hans case that he has social anxiety) and they project that on any little "weird" behavior that they exhibit (by weird i mean something thats outside of the persona the idol usually portrays). I understand the good intentions of wanting to protect their belived idols but a fan can't really do much protecting if we're being honest. And more often than not (almost always) the fans' interference does more damage than good. Imagine you get an anxiety attack once, because you're swarmed by people. And now the whole world thinks you have an anxiety disorder. Maybe you've never thought of yourself as someone with anxiety, maybe this happens like once every 5 years. But now everyone talks about your anxiety and kind of unintentionally forces that on you. After a while you start identifying with it and might indeed exhibit auch symptoms. And because of that whole thing fans do when they escalate a little situation they've only witnessed a fraction of - i believe lots of idols are afraid to share more deeper stuff with their fans, just because they'll take a small piece of information and immediately infantilize the idol and turn it all into a much bigger thing than it is. This - even if it comes from good intentions - is a harmful behaviour many fans should unlearn because it keeps their beloved idol quite and in fear of sharing whats on their heart with their fans. Thats my thoughts on the matter😅got a bit long tho.

And about han, tbh i forgot he had anxiety before you mentioned it here😅 why i thought he's much more unstable is actually because of his songs and what he often shares in interviews as well as the members about him. He has said several times he feels alienated from the world and has difficulties socializing and fitting in, at the same time he's a very sensitive and creative person and has even some genius like traits - and all this taken into consideration i thought he would be having a much harder time sorting out his thoughts and finding his place in the world. But he seems to be actually doing really fine, which makes me happy cuz i think he's such a charming, sweet guy🥰

And yeah, i think ill be doing that reading the following days sometime. Its def not too far back in my queue:)

[arcadia-of-pluto]

Galaxy Corner; ✨️

Hey guys! I decided since I'm going to try to post things more often, I thought a nice little bio/about section was necessary. So let's get into it! 🩷 And I hope this doesn't disappoint you, if y'all were waiting for an update

Age; it's in my bio, but I thought it would be good to have here too. As of this post, I'm 23.

Behind the Name ☆; I go by Pluto online since I wanted to see if I liked the name enough to use irl. A few years back when I realized I was non-binary, I thought a special "name" was necessary so I chose Pluto since it's, well, special to me. Pluto has always been my favourite planet (I cried when it was declared a dwarf planet) and Pluto has always been my favourite roman god so the name just stuck. I always felt like the name was connected to me and I feel really comfortable using it as such.

Oh! And the word "arcadia" in my username means "a region or scene of simple pleasure and quiet." So I feel like my username translates to "safe place of/for pluto"!

Sexuality & Gender identity; this isn't a necessary thing, per say, but I just wanted to add it. I don't mind any pronouns used toward me, I don't really have a preference either. It is what it is and all of that. When it comes to sexuality, I assume I'm pan? I really only care for personality, but I do have a preference for men or more masculine people.

About Me; I dropped out of college, because I couldn't afford to dorm and I submitted my schedule way too late so I got classes I didn't want or simply couldn't do. I have crippling, social anxiety but once I warm up to someone, I'm 100% a yapper. I can ramble along all day if I'm on a topic I like. I have rosacea, which is a skin condition where the blood vessel in your cheeks are inflamed. It gives off an appearance of constantly blushing or sometimes a bad sunburn depending on the day. It also causes acne breakouts so very fun. I have four tattoos, all small, and I only like two of them. The other two are a bit too basic for my liking. I've dated twice in my life, both horrible experiences. I could say so much about them but that's a topic for another day. I'm left-handed and I used to draw a lot but now I struggle even holding a pencil since it's been so long. And that's...honestly all that's interesting about me! Nothing much else, I'm pretty boring otherwise. My personality really reflects off of the person who I'm talking to so, otherwise, I struggle trying to come up with a mental image of myself. 🩷 well that got too deep-

Experience; I've been rping since I was ten, writing oneshots on wattpad since I was fifteen until I stopped when my 600k views oneshot fic on wattpad got taken down for mature content 😞 so I do apologize if I'm work comes off as dated or a bit childish and short! I've never wrote long form content besides multi chapters of a singular oneshot

Plans for the future; I do have a part time job, but I'm planning on writing more fics and oneshots in the future! I have up to nineteen chapters written so far on ToF (Twist of Fate) and I have been writing down ideas for new oneshots or even shorter series for the future. I'm not sure how long ToF will be but I doubt it'll be more than 100...100 seems like a lot, and Love and Deepspace is still an ongoing game so I can't exactly wrap up the story any time soon. I also plan on posting some original works to here, though most will be isekai-themed since I've been really into those kinds of stories lately. My google docs are filled the the brim with ideas

Upload schedule; Weekends will be when I'm most active when it comes to posting since I work Monday through Friday, but I'll be semi-active throughout the day. I have a little bit of downtime at work, and a lot of downtime before and after work so I'll have time to reply to comments or follow anyone back!

Time Zone; For uploading purposes, I thought it would be good to disclose this. It's not too big of a deal, I feel. My time zone is CST.

Any other Fandom stories; I might get back to my old BTS ideas. I have a few ideas involving them so I might also add them. This is a multi-fandom account after all, but my main focus will be Love and Deepspace.

Currently reading; I get a lot of my inspiration from different animes, manga, and manhwas so you might seem common tropes reflected in my work. A lot of isekai and regression manhwas like "Who made me a princess?", "Actually, I was the real one.", and "Villains are Destined to Die" for example are really good and really got me into liking the isekai genre as a whole.

Side notes; While I do look over my writing, there will probably be some spelling errors or swapped words since my brain tends to skip over words whenever I type so if you notice anything like that, don't be afraid to let me know. If it's a huge mistake, I'll fix it but if it's something simple- like needing an extra comma or something, I'll leave it since it doesn't affect the overall reading quality.

Now, with that all being said, I hope you're excited for the next two or three chapters that I'm going to post this weekend 🩷 Some of my favourite parts are coming up soon!

Also, if I need to add anything else, just let me know! I've never had to talk about myself much, if at all ○o。.

[braindamagedboykisser]

So I'm in therapy for my ADHD and depression/anxiety and my therapist has told me exactly what I see in a lot of posts here, like how happiness is a feeling, not a goal and it's never constant and that if we don't face our fears then we let them control us, but it's never helped me because I already know, but the issue comes when I try and do anything about it. I don't expect everyone to like me or even want everyone to like me, but when there is a near weekly social beatdown because I simply lack the ability to understand social cues, tone of voice or volume control, that leaves me fucked up, and when I try to work on that, it gets to be nearly impossible to ever make any progress, and it never gets better.

Every time someone tells me that I shouldn't expect to be happy all the time and that life just sucks and I need to get used to it it makes me want to put my head through the drywall because I already fucking know that, but clearly it sucks more for me, even if it looks like I'm fine or like I should be happy because the root issue is not material, but psychological, which can't be fixed with a simple "cheer up." The issue has never been me expecting to always be happy, but never being happy. What really makes it suck is that people only see me when I'm having a good time, so maybe in that moment I'm fine, once I'm at home I go into withdrawals from just being normal to the point of suicidal thoughts. I love being with people sometimes and Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgivings and other events like that are almost always a great time *until* the day is done and I lay down at night, because then the good time is over and there's nothing to distract me from the depression which hits hard and all at once right then. What should be me riding the high of having a good time with friends and family is instead me holding myself to my bed to keep myself from either killing myself or finding some substance to dull the pain.

I think what makes the depression so bad is the fact that I don't think I really have anything to be truly depressed about, I'm just depressed because I am. If I had something to actually be this miserable about, at least there's a reason, but I'm just sad about being sad. It just makes me feel like I'm faking it, which only creates a negative spiral of self doubt and self loathing.

So that was all a pretty big downer, and I'll admit that I'm not in a good place, but after all that I feel like I should end on a high note, so here's a few.

I turn 17 in January, which is a checkpoint of sorts for me. On one hand I'm stressed as hell about the fact that I'm almost 17 and about just how much I still have to grow mentally and emotionally in just the next few months because of how early I'm moving out, but on the other hand, holy shit, I'm amazing, I made it, and I get all these opportunities and options. It's a lot and there's a lot of strong and swinging emotions, but as long as I have the friends I have I think I'll make it.

I've also made new friends and cut out cancerous ones, and I've built what I think is a good support group and in general a good friend group.

I got myself out of my high school, which was definitely a toxic and unhealthy environment, and into a dual enrollment program where I do work from home and go to a college class in the evening where I can pretty much just sit in silence. Also since my hyperfixation has been in HVAC, I have been shining in that class.

I know that post went all over the place with little or no cohesion, and if you made it this far you're more dedicated than me, but I honestly needed to put all this out, and doing this has helped in the past.

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

My weekly roundup CW 17

I try to write down my thoughts after watching stuff to create a little weekly ranking in relation to the previous week on my, most of the times, quiet sundays (and because I love lists!). These are just my personal opinions and preferences.

And yes, this may contain spoilers!

→ 1. The Eighth Sense (9+10/10 Final)

Phew. How should I sum up my feelings about it? Korea has a knack for good stories, for me, anyway. And this story is definitely one of my favorites and one of the best I've seen so far. And you can tell it's leaning more towards western television. You can notice the Skam notation and also a bit of the Young Royals setting. But what about the last episodes? I knew there was going to be a happy ending because I was spoilered thanks to MDL, since the movie has already aired in Korea. Nonetheless, for me the journey is the destination, I also like to spoil myself on purpose sometimes. Because while I knew it would end well, I didn't know what the journey would be like. And the way was so beautiful! JaeWon is slowly realizing that his life belongs to him and he won't be better off if he excludes JiHyun from it. He worries so much about not hurting others, about what he thinks is good for others, without looking at what the others might want. He hurts JiHyun much more by avoiding him and excluding him from his life, and he's starting to realize that. And yes, in the end they meet again and this reunion climaxes in such an unbelievably great kiss and a night where both of them can hardly sleep because they can't stop looking at each other and finally enjoying each other's closeness. And JaeWon is completely absorbed in the role of "it's now or never, you only live once and screw everyone else". He's with JiHyun and he doesn't give a shit who knows it all then. And the message of it all: they don't know if they'll make it and stay together, but that doesn't stop them from trying anyway, giving themselves a chance and believing in something positive. It's worth allowing some happiness and love in your life. I am thrilled by this series. The only thing that bothered me a bit was the "reconciliation" with EunJi and TaeHyung.

↑ 2. My Story (3/10)

I was so looking forward to the next episode. Not necessarily because of the good acting of the main couple or their chemistry, but because of Zeke and Fifth! I got a really bad second-couple-syndrome! They're just so cute together, even though I really didn't need the close-ups of their feet! But Fifth was jealous! Ahhhh! And makes no bones about finding men attractive. What's going on with the main couple? I don't know. They briefly didn't interest me after the kissing-after-puking moment…that wasn't romantic that was gross!

Yes, I might be lowkey obsessed with them...

☼ 3. Happy Merry Ending (1+2/8)

Korea is coming up big this year with plots that deal with social anxiety and depression. I'm curious to see how this will be implemented here. In the first episode, we definitely learned that SeungJun has trauma and is medicated in that regard. It seems to be an important, central theme. Especially as a wedding singer who only dares to perform wearing sunglasses because he's afraid of the looks of the audience. And in return, we have JaeHyun who can fit in well with groups and new environments. I love JaeHyun already! He's so obviously hit hard with SeungJun and I love it! He is so direct and wants to spend time with him. Oh love at first sight! Love it!

☼ 4. La Pluie (1/12)

La Pluie surprised me. I didn't think the story would pick me up like that in the first episode. Yes, the concept of going deaf when it rains and only being able to hear your soulmate's voice (even if he's not present but telepathic) takes some getting used to, but I honestly found it quite cute. And yes, love at first sight is also a little favorite of mine. So Tai goes deaf but can hear his soulmate's voice in his head when it rains. However, he has mostly refused to answer him so far because he doesn't believe in soulmates or love. After all, his parents, who were also supposed to be soulmates, divorced each other. That changed his view of love. But his first encounter with the person behind the voice in his head perhaps showed him, what he might miss, if he doesn't reach out already. And as a second couple, we have an enemies-to-lovers story! I am excited!

↓ 5. Our Dining Table (4/10)

Yutaka's brother is just an asshole. But he couldn't help it as a child/teenager, but the parents could have said something. It's so easy to say you're part of the family now and then just ignore when the son bullies the adopted son like that. I want to box him and the parents. And Minoru wants to know so much more about Yutaka. He's so on his way to totally falling in love with Yutaka and his sensitive nature. And he's so sweet and insecure about it. I'm happy if Yutaka can open up to him a little bit.

↓ 6. A Boss And A Babe (9/12)

Yeah, what can I say. Gun is an idiot if he really thinks Cher betrayed him like that. And then he doesn't talk to him right away but gives him the cold shoulder first. Uncool, boss! And the friends realize that Cher was apparently a bit more serious with the boss after all. Even though they're there for him, I'm still pissed about last week. The sleepover was really nice though. Even friendships are not without drama. But it all works out in the end. Gun breaks Cher's Gameboy, but repairs it right away because of his bad conscience. But that's it for the drama, at least between Cher and Gun, right?

↑ 7. The Promise (7/10)

Party, my man! He has really thought, if you can not, Phu, then I'll show you how it's done right! Well, the result was rather so devastating, but I love how Nan reacted! As a person who has witnessed both sides, I think Nan gave the best reaction possible. He showed Party and told him that he is important to him and is and will be his best friend. And Party can now so slowly detach himself from the feeling. It is indeed easier to do such a thing when it is spoken out. Well and Phu…I even understand him. He just has zero hopes, so why jeopardize the friendship? Even though Nan took every opportunity to touch Phu's face in the morning…You can apply sunscreen several times, come on I'll show you. Yeah, right! The two of them have to finally talk to each other. And of course Phu isn't Nan's best friend anymore, because Nan doesn't consider him a friend anyway, he just doesn't quite understand yet what Phu actually is to him. Good episode.

↓ 8. Naked Dining (3/10)

Ohhhh, Futa is jealous! You can tell already very much that the two like each other a bit much. And finally the naked dining was back! And also with the homemade food he made together with Mahori. Yes, this is a rather quiet series as well. I don't know how much drama we can expect, but so far it's a gentle sprinkling. And I'm permanently hungry by the time I'm done with the episodes…

↓ 9. Step By Step (2/12)

Hm. I don't know. I don't like Jeng? And all the colleagues just suck! And then Pat is supposed to leave the only one who is nice to him and who is on the same page with him alone, because there might be gossip? That's bullshit! So I found the second episode not quite as convincing. The friends, on the other hand, except for the slip of his friend, who met professionally with his ex, I still find great!

↓ 10. Our Skyy 2 (3+4/16)

I really wanted to like it. But shit, was it boring! It's a fireworks display of cheesy dialogue…And what kind of ring is that? Am I just too anti-romantic to find that beautiful? I mean, yes, cute, sunflower and star together, but that's too much for a ring…And I have an idea for a new drinking game: A shot every time one of the two says I love you! And finally the cringiest quotes...

"Dao, you're trusting the right person, because I no longe know how to love anyone else. You're the only one I love." "Will you eat breakfast first or eat me first?" "I am all yours, Kluen. Yours and yours only, Kluen." "Once our home is done, our parents will discuss our wedding plans." (Even though Kluen didn't ask and Dao couldn't say yes…)

→ 11. Tin Tem Jai

I took notes: Why did a series like Tin Tem Jai have to include a drug storyline? There was no resolution to the story whatsoever, except that Kana would hit Pao if he took drugs again. Problem solved…Wow! Screw Pao's problems, they'll take care of themselves! Next, I noted: Why does Tin continue to be portrayed as this little boy. That just feels wrong to me. And again, I ask myself the question, how old is Tin supposed to be? And further, you guys can just kiss like that. You don't have to wait until your birthday. The whole kissing contact just doesn't feel good. There's just too much riding on the fact that Park is so much older and more experienced than Tin. I am constantly confused and not feeling good. Luckily next epsiode will be the last one! Finally!

[thegreatimpersonator]

oh i've had some existential anxiety in my time, i can maybe help other anon!

so different techniques obviously work for different people, but one really big thing that worked for me was keeping a journal and using it. for me, i got really anxious after graduating school and trying to figure out what to do next, so i would make a lot of lists of what i wanted or needed to do and organize all my overwhelming thoughts into categories. being able to look at it on the page made it feel smaller and more manageable and then it enabled me to prioritize and form action plans to achieve smaller goals and work up to tackling some of the bigger worries. my therapist told me to try and focus on living one day at a time and save worrying about the future for when i actually have to do it. that's sooooo hard imo, but i think it is easier to do that when you break things down into smaller pieces or even schedule them out day by day

as far as the state of the world, i actually started limiting my intake of the news to only one day a week (and i blocked out everything about politics on social media so it can't show up without me clicking on it) and i also started shifting away from reading so many short news articles to trying to focus on longer nonfiction works like books that go into more nuanced detail about issues and tend to be less anxiety-inducing than articles designed to get a lot of clicks quickly. unfortunately, there are just a lot of things that are super valid to be stressed out about right now, so for me it's kind of more about knowing my own limits and taking care of myself so that im still able to keep going every day and put forth the energy to help work towards the progress that i want to see

neither of these will get rid of the fear entirely (at least, they don't for me lol), but i think in general finding a way to sit with the anxiety and honor it and recognize that it comes from very real feelings helps to put things in perspective sometimes ❤️ i hope u find a way to enjoy your vacation anon, i've absolutelyyyy been there and it sucks to feel like you are just stuck in your own head when you could be having fun

these are so smart and helpful, thank you so much! i hope anon sees this and i really hope they help!

[javacad0]

Finally explaining my absence

https://www.deviantart.com/jay-javacad0/journal/Finally-explaining-my-absence-1064284972

"+ MORE SOCIALS BELOW

This will probably be the last post I make on DeviantArt so LISTEN UP!

And don't worry, nothing really serious has been going on aside from the typical mental shit we all get sometimes. Either way, I just felt the need to step away for a few months.

As for why... well, for starters, I just couldn't keep up with the pace. Part of why I made a Discord is so I could still interact with some of my followers and mutuals without having to commit to such a rapid schedule and post everything on here all the time (except it's not actually everything, just the best looking things), and that's what encouraged me to finally take that big break I didn't even know I've been craving the whole time.

I'm glad to have DA and have made it as far as I did, but lord it can be draining trying to stay active, especially for someone who just doesn't like to run around constantly working on shit in general.

The more time I spent away, the more I questioned whether staying here was even worth it anymore. And I mean, specifically here.

To make a long story short, I'm actually leaving DeviantArt and moving socials. I'm sure I don't have to explain why.

It's really a shame that I must do this, I have quite the history with this site (eight on-and-off years) and it's where I met some of my closest friends currently, but if DeviantArt wants to reject humanity and become Deviantron 3000, then I'll let it. I'm not necessarily proud or happy for her transition, but I respect her.

And like I said, I have a list of links to all my new accounts at the bottom of this journal. As of now, pretty much all of them are completely empty, but if you want to support me, I encourage you to please follow them! As for this account, I'm not going to deactivate it, I'm just going to leave it as is to serve as a little old archive for all my older Pokemon related work. Which brings me to my next announcement...

As for another decision I've made within my break, which could be good news or bad news depending on how you take it...

I am now fully committed to transitioning "Street Cat" (now Flea Season) from a Pokemon series to an original one. Some of the later images in my gallery may give you an idea of what it will look like, but a lot of changes are being made every day so those designs are already more than outdated.

Reasons include more creative liberty and freedom, an excuse to just restart from the ground up without the pressure of forcing in all these Pokemon elements and PG filters because there are more kids, and uhh... the relief of not just being followed because of a fandom but rather my own general interests.

I hate that I'm coming back here after about three months, only to tell everyone I'm leaving DA and discontinuing my series... sort of, but it's what needs to be told. I'm sorry I've put this journal off for so long, I've been so caught up with real life stuff, and constantly battling exhaustion, anxiety, ADHD, amongst other likely issues in between. So in terms of productivity, I'm basically frozen in place. It certainly hasn't gotten easier, but I want to at least try to pick myself back up before July.

So I will be doing ArtFight this year. By the time it comes around, that account will be showcasing all my current designs and where everyone is at now. I can't promise there will be much to present aside from a rushed lineup, or that I'll participate much in general, but at least it's something.

I've also had thoughts about a more public Discord server, but there's usually a lot of responsibility and general bullshit that comes with maintaining one, so I'll have to think carefully about that.

I don't know how to conclude this aside from saying I appreciate y'all for the support you've all given me on here over the past year and a half, I'm so glad to have made it this far and feel good about what's to come next.

That being said, here's all my current accounts you can expect me to continue my work on, from most to least likely to be active (plus my AF again just in case).

https://artfight.net/~javacad0 https://sheezy.art/javacad0 https://javacad0.tumblr.com/ (main blog and the only thing that isn't currently completely empty) https://str33t-c4t.tumblr.com/ (current series blog, will either be reconstructed or replaced)

(Just... just trust the process. I'll get to posting and makeovers after July.)

It is 4am as I am finishing this journal, but if you're reading this the next day, then uh... have a great rest of your day and I hope to see you again soon.

I will respond to comments here and notes, and may comment some add-on info myself. Otherwise, I'm signing off. Love y'all."

[greatideas-badwriter]

Worth The Risk: Chapter 1

AN: Sometimes, when reading fanfiction, I'll cringe a little when things get overly dramatic. Now that I'm writing my own, though, I'm like, "F*CK IT BRING ON THE EXCITEMENT! Ha!"

(but really, though, I'll try to reign it in and not write a damn telenovela LOL)

Anyway, I hope you enjoy Chapter One and leave lots of reviews/comments because it makes me feel good! *shameless*

Thanks!

The group of people around Sakura suddenly gasped and became quiet as she stood there, a wine glass upside down in her hand. She'd dumped its contents on the head of an unbelievably handsome man with black hair and even blacker eyes, though they were currently burning with the wildfire of rage.

When she did it, every part of her was irritated and offended, severely clouding her judgment. That said, this man had spent the past three hours tormenting the poor woman and in front of all his buddies, no less.

So when the angry fog in Sakura's mind began to clear, she didn't let the man's intimidating demeanor get to her and venomously spat, "I've never met someone so full of himself in my life. Maybe other women put up with this kind of treatment, but I refuse."

The black-haired man unfroze, lifting a brow while obviously struggling not to lose his temper. He snatched her wrist and squeezed it tightly enough that it wasn't possible to pull away, "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

Sakura swallowed her swiftly rising terror, attempting to free herself and failing, "You owe me an apology," she paused, anxiously glancing over to see Ino hurrying toward the manager's office, "…Right now."

Other patrons were beginning to gather around in the crowded Oasis bar, hushed chatter barely being masked by the loud music.

The man stood, towering over the slender woman with an aura of danger. Glaring down his nose at her, he pulled her closer by her arm, leaning in to hold her gaze, "You're going to regret what you just did."

-Five Days Prior/Monday Afternoon-

"You're new here, right? I don't recognize you." A drop-dead-gorgeous blonde woman approached a stunned Sakura Haruno. She came to sit beside her at the furthest back desk in the classroom, "I'm Ino Yamanaka. Let's get along well!"

'Is it really that easy? I haven't said a single word, and this pretty girl wants to be friends,' the awkward girl thought while nodding. "I'm Sakura. It's nice to meet you, and yes, I am new."

Ino grinned, flashing pearly white teeth while offering her phone, "Here, put your number in. Where are you from? I assume you've just moved to Oto since it's the middle of the school year."

Throughout Sakura's entire school career, from elementary to the college she's attended thus far, meeting and befriending new people has been a challenge. In fact, all the friends she left behind in Konoha only put up with her because they wanted to hang around her ex-boyfriend.

'Don't think about him. Give Ino your phone, too, or she'll think you don't want to be friends.'

"Here, put yours in mine, too!"

'God, it's obvious how fake my smile is. Get it together, Girl! If she finds out you're having a mini-panic attack, she'll realize you're a big loser.'

The twenty-one-year-old college student's social anxiety has always been a hindrance, but it's never been this debilitating. Maybe being in a strange new place with no familiar faces put her on edge, or perhaps it's fear that she will see someone she recognizes, someone she left Konoha to get away from.

"I'm from Konoha, originally. This is my first time leaving home, so if you have any pointers for surviving around here, I'd greatly appreciate it," she said while attempting to come off as calm, cool, and collected.

"No way! I was born in Konoha, but my parents moved us here before I was old enough to start school, so I don't remember it. Small world, huh?"

Class began as Sakura handed Ino's phone back, and Ino returned hers, as well. Throughout the two-hour lecture, the two girls learned a little more about one another. To the quieter one's relief, they hit it off quickly. The blonde woman was talkative and social, but she also didn't pressure the Haruno woman into responding more than she already did. It was nice and comfortable, a feeling the Konoha native hadn't experienced in years.

While leaving class, Ino asked, "By the way, you mentioned you're looking for a job. Do you want me to ask my boss if he'll hire you?"

"...Where do you work?" If the job required more than the average amount of small talk or grace, Sakura would be doomed to fail and embarrass her new friend.

"Oh, right! My bad. It's a bar on the east end of town called Oasis. I'm a waitress there. It's super easy. You just have to wear nice clothes and bring drinks to the tables. The pay is great, and you get lots of tips just for being cute, too!"

Though she was hesitant because a bar meant drunk people, drunk men in particular, Sakura nodded, "Sure. You'll text me, then?"

Ino gave her an incredulous look, "Oh, Honey, no. We're going to your place to get dressed, and I'm taking you to work with me tonight. My boss won't be able to say no once he sees you."

That's how Sakura Haruno ended up in a tight mini-skirt and a lowcut shirt, following her equally as scantily clad friend while being trained.

The moment the manager, a tall and bulky middle-aged man named Kakuzu, was introduced, he asked if she'd like a job there. When she pictured someone his age who hired college-aged women based on their appearance, she definitely didn't imagine a stone-faced, quiet man whose glare put a shiver up her spine.

'At least he's not some pervert who'd try to make a move on one of us. Well, I don't think he is, anyway.'

"If you're serving multiple people at once, you can use a tray like this one. I swear it's easier than it looks. Even if you end up dropping a few, it's not the end of the world," Ino spoke in honey-coated words while shooting a pale-skinned, dark-haired young man a wink and handing him a beer.

Sakura nodded with a tense smile, forcing herself to ignore the wandering gazes of the men in the area. Her blonde partner seemed to enjoy the attention. For the remainder of the night, she learned how the floor was divided into sections and worked on memorizing drink names and prices.

At two o'clock, the bar closed, and at two-thirty, Ino drove the woman back to her apartment, "Kakuzu said you'll get paid for tonight, too! Isn't that great? Now we can hang out at work."

The pink-haired one nodded and offered a tired grin, "Thank you for this again, Ino. You're a lifesaver."

Blue eyes winked at her as she got out of the little car and turned to wave goodbye. "Babe, I told you, it's no big deal. Want me to pick you up tomorrow, too? I don't mind carpooling. My dorm's nearby anyway."

After receiving confirmation, Ino pulled away from the curb, leaving Sakura to climb the steps up the side of the house where she was renting the top floor as an apartment. She was relieved she didn't have to go through the front door or the other tenant's home to get to hers.

She went inside, carefully looking out the door's window to ensure no one was secretly watching her before locking and deadbolting it. Once the thick curtain was in place, she turned around.

Her apartment was tiny but still looked bare because she could only bring her clothes, school supplies, and a few photos when leaving. With her saved-up money, she had just enough to buy a new bed and pay the deposit on this place. The landlord had some refurbished furniture delivered, saying it was just sitting in storage anyway, so there was also a nightstand, sofa, and a tiny dining table big enough for the two chairs that went with it.

Food would have to be scarce until she gets her first paycheck. Luckily, the college offers free lunches to all its students, so one meal a day was guaranteed every day except Sunday.

Sighing, Sakura trudged into the bathroom to shower, 'I just want to go to bed, but I don't want to get the sheets all dirty. I've been sweating in a bar for hours.' That's what she thought, but once she was under the hot water, all negative emotions on the act disappeared.

Laying in bed half an hour later, Sakura rested a hand on her stomach and stared at the ceiling while awaiting sleep to take over.

'Living alone in a new place is terrifying, but I prefer this to what's waiting for me back home.'

Rather than let her mind dwell on the nightmare fuel that was the past four years of her life, she forced her thoughts to focus on her new friend and job. 'I hope everything isn't as too good to be true as it feels. I need this to work out.'

If the pinkette loses this job and doesn't manage to find a new one ASAP, she'll be evicted from her apartment for not having rent. It's due in about four weeks. With that concern in mind, she drifted off to sleep.

-The Day "It" Happened-

Sakura felt as close to her true self as she had in years. Ino introduced her to another one of her friends, who also happened to work at Oasis. She was a sarcastic, short-tempered, yet still nice girl named Karin with blood-red hair and pretty dark eyes behind black cat-eye glasses.

Speaking of Oasis, she quickly got the hang of things in the week and a half following her hire date. Regular customers were beginning to recognize and call her by name; it no longer made her nervous to receive and deliver orders, and she'd even come to enjoy speaking to the more respectful patrons.

On this particular night, Saturday, the fourth waitress, a confident and beautiful woman named Guren, a couple of years older than the other three, called in sick. The fifth one, who wasn't scheduled to work, couldn't come in because she didn't have a babysitter for her little brother, who wasn't old enough to enter the bar. That meant Ino, Karin, and Sakura had to pick up the slack by taking turns with tables in Guren's section.

"We have a group coming in, Sakura. It's your turn," Ino chimed in while expertly powerwalking with a tray of beer glasses.

Karin piped up while also whizzing by to order a drink, "Be careful with those ones. They're pretty rowdy. Usually, Guren takes care of them."

'Oh, great. Just what I need. Troublemakers,' Sakura thought while turning to greet the group of customers in question, a smile plastered on her lips. Then, she froze in surprise.

Approaching were five men, each more beautiful than the next. Let's see, there was a quiet-looking one with long dark hair and stress lines under his eyes.

The next was taller and more muscular, with silver hair slicked back and a mischievous grin as he yelled across the bar to a woman who'd called out to him in greeting.

The following two talked to one another and seemed almost unaware that they were even in a bar. One was the shortest of the group with tan skin, red hair, and brown eyes, while the other had almost the exact same hair as Ino as well as eye color. He was so pretty that one might mistake him for a woman if it weren't for his athletic build and lower voice.

The one in the center, leading the group, had black hair, black eyes, and a smirk on his lips. His skin was clear and smooth looking, and it was evident he played some type of sport because attractive yet unimposing muscles were fighting the sleeves of his long-sleeved shirt.

"Um, follow me, and I'll show you guys where to sit," Sakura managed to get out once they were close enough to hear.

A low whistle met her ears, making her tense up, and one of the guys remarked, "Looks like there's some new blood, huh? Hey, Sweetheart, go tell Guren Hidan's here."

The pinkette turned to gesture toward the den of seating large enough to appease their group and more should they have any friends arrive. She forced a smile once more, realizing it was the silver-haired one who'd called himself "Hidan" who'd spoken because he shamelessly checked her out, "Guren isn't here tonight, so you're stuck with me. Sorry!"

While the men took a seat, she nervously interlaced her fingers behind her back, "What can I get you? Anything with Gin in it is fifteen percent off tonight."

They ordered a few bottles of wine, which took Sakura off guard because college-aged men usually go for beer or hard liquor, but it wasn't her job to question them, so she turned to procure their drinks, only to freeze when an unfamiliar voice stopped her.

"What kind of waitress are you? You didn't even tell us your name."

Turning around to apologize, she stammered nervously when the one who appeared to be leading the group smirked confidently, "O-Oh, um, I'm Sakura. Sorry again."

When she left, he didn't stop her this time but called out, "That'd better be a joke, new girl!"

When Sakura arrived at the bar, she pouted while telling the bartender, another intimidating man with dark blue hair and the physique of a bodybuilder named Kisame, "Brevante Merlot. Three bottles, please."

Kisame grinned, "Ah, you poor girl. I know exactly who you're serving. If you need me to come over and whip those idiots into shape, just say the word."

Smiling gratefully, she accepted the expensive alcohol and placed it on a tray to bring to the five men, who'd attracted the attention of a few women who joined them in their area. "I'll be right back with glasses."

"Say, new girl. What's your real name?"

Sakura paused, taking a deep breath before neutralizing her irritated expression and facing the increasingly annoying dark-haired guy, "Sakura is my real name. Now, if you'll excuse me, I-" "What kind of stripper name is that? It's like a redhead calling herself Ginger."

The woman's composure faltered, a deadpan expression meeting her face before she shook her head, smiled, and wordlessly left to retrieve wine glasses.

Thankfully, when she returned, they were all too busy entertaining women or speaking to one another to taunt her, and she successfully slipped away to check on her other tables.

After serving refills, she leaned against the bar with a look of disdain angled toward the noisy group of men, now surrounded by at least a dozen attractive women. 'They're all beauty and no decency. I should've known.'

"So, how's it goin' with the boyband?" Ino asked, giggling while handing Kisame a piece of paper containing detailed drink orders because her friend had jumped in surprise, "I'm lucky enough to have never been assigned their table. Guren says they tip well, at least. Do your best!"

A while later, when Sakura had no choice but to check in on them, the man from before asked, "I've been thinking. Are you actually a stripper? Is that why you lied and gave us that corny name?"

The silver-haired one from before laughed loudly, pulling away from two women he'd been chatting with, "Yeah, dance for us, new girl!"

Heat met the unfortunate woman's cheeks as she did her best to ignore the inappropriate comments, "I'm just here to see if you need any more to drink. Can I get you anything?"

The long-haired man sighed, "Brother, don't-" "What do you like to drink, Pinky? Get me that and join us."

'It's official. I hate this guy. He's a total douchebag!'

For two and a half hours, Sakura endured comments that gradually became more sexual until the dark-haired mine finally crossed the line. He'd managed to fluster her enough that she couldn't turn him down when he asked her to personally pour his drink. The blush had long disappeared because she was only pissed off at this point.

She'd gotten so angry that she even asked them to stop a few times, but naturally, she was ignored.

"New girl, what time do you get off? I'll pick you up."

"I don't need a ride home. Thank you, anyway." There was only a tiny drop of customer service politeness in her response. These guys, particularly the one in the middle, had worn her down to her last nerve, yet he was still talking!

"Come on! Don't be like that! Let's get out of here and go to your place. I wanna see if pink's your natural color."

Hidan drunkenly chuckled, "Bro, that's awful! How can you say that to the poor girl! She's gonna-!" She did it.

Sakura turned to face the big-mouthed man in the center and poured an entire glass of top-shelf wine on his head.

After exchanging words and him rising to stare her down with a tight grip around her wrist, Kakuzu, Kisame, and Ino arrived, the blonde hiding behind Kisame like a scared child. The manager took in the scene, speaking firmly, "Release my employee. I will ensure she's properly reprimanded."

To Sakura's surprise, her wrist was immediately free, and she stepped away from the rude man with a glare still directed his way.

"I apologize for this incident. Please allow me to cover your bill to make up for it. I'll also-" The rest of Kakuzu's professional statement didn't reach the pink-haired woman's ears because Ino grabbed her wrist and pretty much dragged her into the manager's office.

She hissed with wide eyes, looking over her new friend's appearance for injuries, "Are you okay? He didn't hurt you, did he?"

Now that her blood pressure was coming back down, Sakura's wrist tingled where he'd squeezed it so tightly, fear flooding her veins. In the moment, she was too worked up to pay attention to it. She would've fled the moment he tried to touch her if she hadn't been so overwhelmed. She shook her head, swallowing hard and in tears as she tried not to cry. What just happened out there was scarier than she realized.

'I was a huge idiot out there. What if that guy tries to get revenge? What if he follows me home and-!' Her thoughts were cut off by the office door opening, Kakuzu entering and fixing her with a glare, "Do you have any idea the mess you've caused? Those men are significantly more important than other customers, and you attacked one of them."

Sakura stood, Ino stepping out of the office to return to her tables, and attempted to defend herself while not coming off as insubordinate, "But, Sir, all night, they've been taunting me and saying rude things! I asked them to stop multiple times, but they wouldn't."

"If that's true, you should've come to me or Kisame and had us deal with the issue. If you'd done that, I wouldn't have to terminate your employment."

The woman's heart stopped, "...What? You're firing me?"

Kakuzu sighed, sitting heavily at his desk, "If you were more tenured, I wouldn't have to, but you're too new to make a mistake this large. I wish you well in your future endeavors. You may leave now or choose to finish the shift." He gestured to the door with one hand, the other on his temple as though nursing a headache, "Please step out of my office as I have an important phone call to make."

'I can't afford to leave without finishing my shift. I need the money.' She had no choice but to wash her face in the bathroom to hide that she'd been crying and get back to work. Karin took over the rowdy men's table and appeared to handle it much better than her.

That night, after Ino dropped her off, Sakura stayed up late applying to countless jobs, no matter what they were, because she needed to begin working within the next two days if she hoped to earn enough money in time for rent.

As the next two days passed, she followed up on the applications but either got turned down for the job, it didn't pay enough, or they wouldn't work around her school schedule. So, after returning to the apartment with no results on Monday night, she began packing her things.

'It feels terrible to fail so quickly after leaving home. I seriously don't want to go back there, but if I don't, I'll end up starving and on the streets.'

One thing she knew for sure was that it was all that handsome, dark-haired asshole's fault.