#sometimes I entertain the idea of organizing my own zine but I have no idea how the physical production side of it would work

[crazymecjc]

feeling very grgrgrgrgrgr tonight I wanna participate in another zine so so badly they’re so fun

[disneydreamlights]

Training Days

FFN | AO3

Summary: "Oh, and by "us," I mean me and Lea. He's really sorry for all the trouble he caused. I told him it's fine, but he won't stop apologizing. I'll admit that I was a little scared of him at first, but I've gotten to know him better. All he wanted was to help his friend. Honestly, it's hard not to like him."

A peek into Kairi's and Lea's days of learning how to use the Keyblade. Written for Step Forward: A Kairi Fanzine

A/N: I would very much like to thank @kairizine​ for letting me work on this project. You guys are absolutely amazing and I couldn’t say how much I enjoyed being a part of this zine. For all my followers who haven’t had a chance to pick up this lovely zine, a second round of pre-orders is dropping on July 5th, so you guys should check that out for sure! Also tumblr fucked my formatting press f to pay respects.

It had been two weeks since Kairi started training with Axel. Or at least, it felt like it had been two weeks. Merlin said that the world they were training in existed outside of time, so it probably wasn’t that long to everybody else. But for her at least, it was valuable time. Time where she could learn how to use her Keyblade properly, and to finally get her chance to fight.

She also had time to interact with the man who had—at one point—kidnapped her. That was something she was still coming to terms with. Axel saved Sora and apologized for what he’d done to her, but it still didn’t make it any easier to be training with him.

“Yo, Kairi.” Speaking of Axel, the redhead showed up once more, looking almost uncomfortable with the idea of having to pull her from her thoughts. If there was some reassurance to all this, at least Axel was just as bad with handling talking to his former victim as she was talking to her kidnapper. “Thought you could use some company. Merlin said you’d just finished learning about how to use Fire, and as the resident fire elemental, I call myself an expert in the subject.” If it weren’t for the fact that his hand was running through his hair, a sign of nerves, Kairi would’ve been sure his discomfort was perceived on her end given the way he didn’t seem bothered.

“I’m fine, Axel, I don’t need teaching from a ‘fire expert’”—she raised fingers, making air quotations at Axel to show she didn’t really buy it—“to learn how to use a Fire spell. Merlin has it all covered.”

“Right.” She noticed the way Axel slightly deflated at her refusal to train with him. When he spoke, his voice sounded more hollow. “Hey, Kairi, just so you know, I really am sorry. About kidnapping you, and all that. I know I’ve said it before but I wanted to say it again.” He left, and Kairi couldn’t help the unpleasant feeling that arose in her heart.

-x-

Another few weeks of training passed, Merlin said it hadn’t even been a day in the real world. Which was fair, it meant Sora and Riku wouldn’t be missing her too long, at least. And it meant another month around Axel, training. She was slowly feeling competent: Merlin had decided that it was time to start training her in using her light as a weapon. It was a sign of progress towards becoming a Keyblade Master.

What was odd was that when she stumbled upon the normally energetic pyromaniac this time, Axel seemed to be a little less upbeat than normal. He’d continued his stream of apologies, expressing how much he regretted what he’d done, but Kairi doubted that’s what had him down. Deciding it was finally time to return his interest in getting to know her, she sat down next to him. “What’s on your mind?”

Axel jumped, having not noticed her approach. “It’s nothing,” he waved her off.

Kairi frowned, looking at Axel skeptically. He raised his hands in defense of her stare. “Okay, so maybe it is something, but it’s not really something you need to worry about. Just that I can’t shake the feeling…” He shook his head, almost as though he couldn’t believe what he was saying.

“Feeling?” Kairi asked. She didn’t really expect him to give him an answer, but she wanted to know. It was obviously something a lot more important than he was letting on. When he didn’t answer after another moment, she smiled. “I didn’t know you had any of those.”

“Ha ha.” Axel gave a sarcastic laugh, but also a small smile at Kairi, grateful for the joke. “Hey, y’know I’m not a Nobody anymore. I can feel, just as much as you can!” It seemed he wasn’t willing to confront what was going on, and she couldn’t blame him for that. It wasn’t like she’d given him any reason to believe she trusted or wanted to help him.

And to be fair, she wasn’t sure that she did trust him. She may not have been mad over it right now, but despite his regret  Axel had still kidnapped her. It seemed like a good idea to not press for now. “Sure you can, just like you couldn’t when you were a Nobody.”

“I couldn’t!”

Kairi laughed at his protest. “You don’t kidnap somebody to see your best friend again if you don’t care about them a little.”

Axel sat there for a moment. “Right, sometimes I forget that even if I couldn’t feel guilt over what I was doing to you, I still felt something.” Maybe it was his way of justifying it: he couldn’t feel. He couldn’t feel bad over what he had done because he couldn’t feel. But he seemed to be feeling the regret of that now. “I know you’re probably tired of hearing it, but I’m sorry, about all of that.”

For the first time, she acknowledged his apology. “I know.”

-x-

Two months of rigorous training. Two months of her only company being Merlin and Axel. Although they still weren’t close friends, things had started getting easier between her and Axel. Kairi found herself talking to him more since she’d found him that day, or at least she was more willing to talk to him. For one, she almost believed his apologies in that he truly did regret his actions.

This time as Axel approached Kairi, he seemed slightly more at ease. “Hey, how’s training been going so far?”

“Hey Axel,” Kairi smiled. She couldn’t believe that she was at least appreciating Axel’s presence for once. “I’m pretty sure soon I’ll be ready to take you down. What about you, think you can take me on?”

“Nah, not like I have years of experience on you. Anyways I wanted to see if you were up for a bit of a break.” He reached into his pocket, pulling out two light blue bars of ice cream. Kairi couldn’t help the way that her eyes lit up as soon as she saw them. “Whenever we finished a mission, Roxas and I would go to the clocktower back in Twilight Town and share these.”

Kairi grabbed the ice cream bar, taking a small bite and wincing as the cold hit her teeth. “I like that tradition.”

“I figured we could resume it, now that we’re training together.” Axel grinned, seemingly relieved that she was willing to enjoy it. “Or at least that’s what Merlin said, starting tomorrow we’ll be training together.”

“I’ll look forward to it. Don’t think I’ll go easy on you either.” Of course, that revelation couldn’t help but make her a little nervous. But Merlin wouldn’t have her fight Axel if he didn’t think she could hold her own against him.

“Wouldn’t dream of anything less.” It seemed Axel was at least willing to go along with it. “Hey, Kairi, I just want you to know-”

“You’re sorry, I know.” Kairi smiled, leaving Axel looking at her in surprise.

“I’ve said it that many times now?”

“I think I got it memorized.”

-x-

After yet another loss to Axel, Kairi and her sparring partner decided to enjoy a treat. There were still quite a few losses in their practice fights, but she did have a couple wins to her name, and that was progress enough for them to be celebrating. He reached into the cooler, handing her an ice cream bar as they sat on the cliffside watching the sunset. Axel told some stories from the Organization to keep her entertained.

“So I mentioned how I got sent on solo missions all the time for the Organization, stuff that needed to be kept...under the radar.” He seemed hesitant to fully explain what that meant, which made Kairi all the more curious about what he was trying to explain. “See, a lot of those had me going to Castle Oblivion—terrible place by the way, more boring to look at than The Castle that Never Was and impossible to navigate, anyways—I was chasing down some chamber for our boss. Not sure what was in it, but what I do know is the Castle did not want us finding it. So this one time I was–”

“Castle Oblivion...” Kairi frowned, causing Axel to pause in his account. Sora had never mentioned the castle in his stories, and Riku had only mentioned it a couple of times in passing, yet the name brought with it a feeling of dread… “That means you know Naminé?”

Axel nodded. “That’s right. I was one of the people who was guarding her while she messed with Sora’s memories.” Before Kairi could say anything more, Axel raised his hand, stopping her. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t one of the ones hurting her! I was actually the one that helped her.”

He...what? Kairi stared at him in confusion. “Right, Sora...probably wouldn’t have been able to tell you. I was the one who let Naminé go.”

Although she couldn’t communicate directly with the blonde to confirm Axel’s story, she felt Naminé faintly in her heart, confirming Axel’s story: “He did. If it weren’t for him, Sora might be lost forever to the Organization’s trap…”

“Really?”

“I think it was because he didn’t want the Organization to win. For my freedom, I owe him, almost as much as I do Sora…”

“Hello, Kairi! You in there?” Axel waved his hand in front of Kairi, pulling her attention away from Naminé’s presence, which had once more gone dormant in her heart.

Kairi smiled. “Just getting a message to pass on. Naminé says thank you.”

Axel looked at her, and his eyebrows slightly raised in surprise. She wasn’t sure if he hadn’t expected Naminé’s thanks, for the two of them to have any form of communication, or for Kairi to pass on the message.“She did? I don’t suppose she left a message for you to accept my apology this time, did she?”

Kairi paused for a moment, as though she were conversing with Naminé once more before smiling. “Nope, nothing on that one.”

Lea laughed at her answer, and it wasn’t long before Kairi found herself laughing too at his reaction.

She was still a long way to forgiving him for what he’d done, but maybe Lea wasn’t so bad.

-x-

It became a tradition to meet up after training to snack on some ice cream and talk about whatever thoughts crossed their minds. Most of the time, conversation flowed between Kairi and Lea easier than she would have ever suspected when their training had first begun, but right now the exchange seemed more one sided than ever. Lea appeared lost in thought, and Kairi’s attempts at getting him to talk about the various details of his life were earning no results.

Normally she would have been content to leave that where it was—Lea wouldn’t have confided in her anyways. But now she could tell there was something bothering him, and she didn’t feel right leaving it alone. “Lea, are you alright?”

“Huh?” He shook his head before giving a laugh, running his hand through his hair as though nervous. “I guess I’m just distracted. I was thinking about an old friend.” She stayed silent, and after a moment Lea continued. “You know Saïx–I’m serious, stop staring at me like I’ve grown a second head or something.”

After another quiet moment, she finally managed to find her voice: “What!?” Lea was friends with Saïx? How could Lea be have been friends with him of all people? Saïx kidnapped her!

...Just like Axel had.

The realization that she’d nearly forgotten that Lea had kidnapped her was sobering, but it did manage to put a damper on some of her surprise at least. “You and Saïx were friends?”

“I know, a big shocker now, but back when we were kids, Isa was my best friend.” Lea seemed quick to play if off. “We used to get into a lot of trouble back in the good old days. Most of it was my idea.” A low chuckle escaped him. It sounded bitter, like Lea still couldn’t believe just how much things changed. “We would sneak into Ansem’s castle so we could get a peak at his experiments, or just to cause some problems.”

“That doesn’t sound like Saïx.” Kairi pointed out. But it made sense. They had both lost their hearts, and the Lea in front of her felt as different from Axel as the Isa he was describing sounded from Saïx.

“Losing your heart changes you.” Lea’s answer was simple, but he had a point. Even if they had hearts, neither he nor Saïx learned that fact until it was already too late.

Kairi nodded. “That’s why you both drifted apart?”

“Part of it.” For once it looked like Lea was getting uncomfortable with the direction they were going in. Isa, it seemed, was a much more touchy subject than Kairi would’ve guessed. “He changed for sure, but there was also the way he treated them. Roxas and–”

“And?”

Lea didn’t respond. He wasn’t sure of who the “and” he was referring to was in the first place.

They ate their ice cream in silence, neither of them sure how to continue for a few minutes before Lea finally spoke. “You know, when I first saw you, you reminded me of somebody. I don’t know who just...somebody important.”

“Naminé, maybe?” It made the most sense, Naminé was her Nobody. Lea knew her. That had to be it. Except he shook his head.

“Nah, not her. I’d know if it was her I was thinking of. I just don’t remember. That’s why I was so quiet that day.” Kairi knew which one he was talking about. The one where they’d had their first real conversation.

The way Lea looked now reminded Kairi a lot of that day. She’d never seen him so muted before, and it was still an uncomfortable look for him now. “Don’t worry, Lea. Once we beat Xehanort, I’ll ask Naminé help you with your memories, and we’ll find whoever they are.” And she would, she didn’t turn her back on her friends so easily.

“Right, thanks.” Lea turned to her, still frowning in thought for a moment.

He grinned shortly after, though Kairi wasn’t sure if it was a realization about who he was forgetting or a joke until moments later when he said, “hey, have you ever thought of dying your hair black.”

“What?”

Lea raised his hands up in defense. “I just can’t shake the image of you with black hair it sounds right.”

“Lea, that’s not funny!”

“Sure it is!” He laughed, and she lightly smacked him for the joke. “Sorry, sorry, alright I’ll let it go...for now.”

“Lea!”

-x-

It didn’t take Kairi long to realize that their time in the training world was coming to a close. Her fighting was as flawless as one could get when kept out of the heat of a real battle, and Lea had stopped trying to throw his Keyblade every ten seconds. To her surprise, he had adjusted to close combat and swordplay remarkably well. Merlin had told Riku would be there with some new equipment in a few days. It all made it feel very real, and very final.

Which was why Lea and Kairi had returned to their cliffside hangout, trading stories and sharing idle conversation. Lea told stories of teaching Roxas about the worlds and his adventures in Radiant Garden, and in return Kairi told stories about her time on the islands. It was the best they could do to keep their mind off the battle that was looming ever closer.

“Sora was so surprised when I told him I couldn’t swim. He tried to teach me but his idea of teaching me meant having me just start flailing my arms in the water,” Kairi laughed as she remembered the story from a couple months after arriving on Destiny Islands. “If it wasn’t for Riku, he might’ve drowned me with how bad his instructions were.”

“You’d think Sora would know how to swim better than that since he lived there. Hard to believe he couldn’t even explain the motions he was making.”

“His heart was in the right place, at least.” Kairi smiled. It was a fond memory of her friends, one she would’ve liked to think on a little longer.

Lea laughed as well, and they fell into an easy silence as Kairi started searching her mind for the next ridiculous story of her adventures with her friends.

“Hey, Kairi.” Lea raised his hand hesitantly, almost as though he were regretting what he was about to say. “I just, ya know, in case everything goes wrong, I just wanted to say sorry again. You know for–”

“I know.” She cut him off before he could ramble further. She’d heard it more than enough times over the course of their time training together. “And I forgive you.”

[archiveacademics]

Histories and the first Spotlight

Earlier this week I looked at what the definition of fanfic is. It’s a topic of endless debate and one I will doubtless return to again and again over the course of this study. But for today I’d like to do a little look back at the history of fanfic and, more broadly, of fandom itself.

“First there was “Star Trek,” the original series, whose viewers—many of them women in stem fields—organized conventions and created self-published journals (a.k.a. fanzines) with fiction about its characters, a small but notorious slice of which included sexy doings between Kirk and Spock. Or: first there were fans of science-fiction novels and magazines who held conventions and traded self-published journals as early as the nineteen-thirties. Or: first there was Sherlock Holmes, whose devotees, hooked by serial publication, pushed for more stories, formed clubs, and wrote their own. Or: first came Virgil’s Aeneid. Or: first, the Janeites. Or: first there was you, and your friends, age ten, making up adventures in which Chewbacca met Addy Walker, and writing them down.”

So opens “The Promise and Potential of Fan Fiction” by Stephanie Burt, which, if you didn’t read it when I linked to it in the last post you really should. The history of fanfic, if we wanted to be really broad, could go all the way to the ancient Greeks writing plays based on The Iliad and The Odyssey which are based on oral stories of a real war that (probably) happened around 1180 BCE. 

But we’re not going to do that, because, as Jill Bearup explains in the first of her “History of Fanfic” vlogs, The Aeneid and Iphigenia at Aulis and Trojan Women were not technically fanfic, but derivative works. As I discussed before, fanfic is about intent*.

To find the true beginnings of fanfic, you need to only go as far back as the eighteenth century.

“...popular authors such as Daniel Defoe started protesting that his work was being "kidnapped" and bowdlerised by amateur writers who reduced the value of his creations with inferior impersonations,” writes Ewan Morrison in an article entitled “In the Beginning, there was fan fiction: from the four gospels to Fifty Shades.”

1913 saw the publication of Old Friends and New Fancies – an Imaginary Sequel to the Novels of Jane Austen by Sybil Brinton, the first piece of published Janeite fanfic. (Janeite, of course, being the name of Jane Austen fans at the time. Much like Swifties or Beliebers today.)

I myself own a book called Mr. Darcy, Vampyre, and though I’ve yet to read it (my shelf is over full, you might say) I’m sure it’s delightful.

From the Janeites of the eighteenth century we move forward to the Sherlock fans of the nineteenth. This genteel group of readers was so dedicated to Sherlock Holmes that they managed to raise him from the dead. Well, they annoyed Sir Arthur Conan Doyle so much he raised Sherlock from the dead. 

From there, the literary club of the Baker Street Irregulars was established in the 1930s and they are still alive and active to this day. Apparently, there’s a lot to discuss, as “Conan Doyle generally wrote the Holmes stories quickly and with a minimal amount of editing, and as a result the canon contains a huge number of mistakes and inconsistencies. It was from these that the practice of "Holmesian speculation" arose, which consists of pointing out discrepancies in the canon and devising (sometimes reasonable, sometimes extremely outlandish) explanations for them.” (Fanlore.org)

From Sherlock and the Irregulars we move to the modern era, and what you could potentially call the birth of modern fandom. That’s right folks, it’s time for some Star Trek.

“The shape of those [early 2000s] fandoms, in turn, was due to those that migrated out of meatspace onto the brand new baby internet, which of course owed their structure to the zine-based fandoms of the ‘70s and ‘80s. All of which can be traced back to – you guessed it – Star Trek.

Star Trek: The Original Series is often looked to as the origin of modern fandom, and many of the networks and communities those fans established continue to influence fan interactions to this day, as does the example they set in using fandom as a means of social awareness and political action.”

In “None of This is New: An Oral History of Fanfiction” Jordan West discusses why you shouldn’t be surprised when you draw the card “Harry Potter erotica” in Cards Against Humanity and gives a quick overview of the history of fanfic. However, West argues that writing such as Shakespeare and The Aeneid count as fanfic which, by this blog’s definition, they don’t.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that everyone has their own ideas of what fanfic is and where it really began. I’m sticking with the Janeites as my point of ignition. 

Now that’s settled (insofar as anything on the internet is every “settled”) let’s move on to this week’s Spotlight. Every week, I plan on putting a platform, a person, or a particular story in the spotlight to show off the practical side of these academic headaches I’m giving myself. (I’ve gone back and forth on the definition of fanfic at least fifteen times since I posted the first blog post, much less when I was writing the damn thing.)

This week’s Spotlight is on two of the earlier homes of fanfic: LiveJournal and Fanfiction.net. 

LiveJournal was created in 1999 by American programmer Brad Fitzpatrick as a mixed blog/social media site.  It was purchased in 2006 by Six Apart and then sold in 2007 to SUP Media, a Russian media company. (Wikipedia.com)

“LiveJournal encourages communal interaction and personal expression by offering a user-friendly interface and a deeply customizable journal. The service's individuality stems from the way highly dedicated users utilize our simple tools, along with the instinct for individual expression, to create new venues for online socializing.

Because of LiveJournal's unique combination of platform and social media, LiveJournal has a unique personality in different parts of the world. In fact every national community in every country is unique in its own way. Where a user in the United States might focus their attention on communities dedicated to topics from the popular to the esoteric, users in the U.K. may tend to rally around entertainment-related issues. In Russia LiveJournal makes up the vast majority of the blogosphere, hosting over 80 of the top 100 Russian blogs. In Singapore LiveJournal revolves around collaboratively purchasing overseas goods. And that's just for starters.” (LiveJournal.com)

Fanfiction.net was created in 1998 by Los Angeles programmer Xing Li. The largest archive of fanfic on the internet, fanfiction.net comes in second in popularity to Archive of our Own**. It has over 12 million users and hosts stories in over 40 languages. Unlike LiveJournal, fanfiction.net is not a social networking site, but a site specifically dedicated to fanfic. Users can choose from a number of categories for their work and they can rate their work as well. The site also hosts forums for fans and writers alike, and registered users can apply to be beta readers. (Wikipedia.com)

I have never had a LiveJournal (I’m honestly not even sure if I’m capitalizing that right), and if I did have a ff.net account I had to have been, like, 12 when it was created and 13 when it was last opened. Still, these are two of the earliest archives of massive amounts of fanfic from hundreds of different fandoms (just check out this list of book fandoms that have stories written about them of ff.net. And that’s just the book category!) 

A history of fanfic is always going to be a little bit messy around the edges, in part because the definition of fanfic is so personal and changeable. All I can hope is that you’ve learned something new today while reading this. If so, I’ll count that as a win.

*And as I haven’t discussed yet, it’s also about copyright and ideas of authorship. Again, this is a topic you’ll have to look forward to.

**AO3 will be the subject of a future spotlight, don’t you worry.