#something something wealth literally being the thing that ends up ruining his most precious and ambitious project

[tsisisail]

Anyway thinking about how Eugene has literal gilded chains resting on his shoulders… I dunno. Someone do the symbolism for me.

[mayora97]

That's interesting! I'm not saying you're wrong, but I don't see it that way.

So, from what I understood: the answer in your opinion is because Sirius is troubled and Snape is the acceptable punching bag that James picked out.

But hear me out!

The incentive to attack Snape in SWM is not anger or stress but simply boredom. There was no agitation or trigger on his part, and he even said that he wished it was a full moon because that would be entertaining to him. It wasn't about James or Snape or even his family.

At that time, to be fair to Sirius, everyone is studying for their NEWTS, he finished early into taking the test and had to sit in that room with no stimulation until the time was up- the guy is bored. He's understimulated. That's on the school for not picking up on that and giving him more challenging material.

I truly don't think in that moment it was any deeper than that. The guy is a genius, and he's being stifled.

I also disagree that Sirius is anti elitist and treading carefully with James. Especially the latter.

I'm sorry, I love these characters down, but come on. Their detention records are crazy work. These guys were hexing people, illegal hexes might I add, lower class men might I add, in the halls at random. They took Moony out for nightly strolls unfailingly every month, despite multiple close calls of a student stumbling into them. What morals?? Sirius used an unconsious and unconsenting Lupin to 'scare' Snape with zero safety measures in place, which James had to find out in the last minute, and he was forgiven far too easily from how unseriously he takes it over a decade later. He tells James to pipe it down when he's just minding his business, and he actually just quietly does it.

As for anti-elitist and being embarrassed about his socioeconomic station... yes and no. Hard yes for blood-purism, canonically, his family's fanaticism drove him up the wall. Tentative no for being born into wealth.

Not only does he have no problem accepting and spending his family's money, he targets people who are 'beneath him' and abuses his parent's affluence and inheritance to the fullest.

Peter, who is treated disrespectfully and can't fight back because hanging out with the marauders is already a privilege

Remus, who's painful transformations are used as a form of entertainment and a tool to scare someone off, and truly cannot afford to be on the marauders bad side, and is forced to swallow his discomfort at times like SWM

Kreacher, who is literally indentured to him and gets insulted, pushed around and has his precious things forcibly taken away from him

Even Harry gets guilted for 'not being like his father' when he doesn't want to do something 'fun' needlessly risky. It's plainly a manipulative and mean thing to say to a child and an orphan.

Snape...

Snape who is targeted, insulted and nearly killed.

“Snape?” said Black harshly, taking his eyes off Scabbers for the first time in minutes and looking up at Lupin. “What’s Snape got to do with it?”

... before his very eyes is the traitor that has ruined and ended lives most precious to him, and the mere mention of Snape's name is enough to sweep his attention away from Peter. He did not hate Snape on James's behalf, stop it. T_T

What I do believe is that Snape is unkempt, poor, unlikable, and then had the audacity to peacock with the deatheater crowd and be a nuisance to the marauders. Snape was punching above his station. I believe the motivation to target Snape is a combination of this, his explosive (entertaining) reactions, and the knowledge that no one will stand up for him or protect him.

I believe it was arrogance and entitlement to put it quite plainly. He knows he's intelligent. He knows he's popular, handsome, rich, etc. And he feels entitled to pick on others to a certain degree if it's entertaining in the moment.

Sirius's trauma is absolutely valid. 'Hurt people hurt people,' is very true. He hasn't made excuses for himself or denied any of his wrongdoings. He's very insightful and self-reflective. But I also think he has deliberately, confidently, and carelessly hurt people when that suits him.

hi! i saw in one of your posts you wrote about how Sirius Black had no reason to bully Snape and i thought about it…..i mean doesn't his hatred seem too personal? we have Lupin who has no contact with Snape after book 3 but Sirius goes crazy when Snape is around and they are alone so he can attack him (kitchen scene in book 5). and he knows so much about him: who he hung out with at school, his relationship with Lucius; at the same time he doesn't know about the mark, about how Severus was the one who brought the prophecy to voldemort that led to Lily and James death. and yes he is stuck at age 21 but even then they graduated school and as he says they never heard of Snape in those years. It seems a bit odd: don't bullies usually try to downplay their role in what they did to the victim, or even try to make it look like nothing happened? And he and Remus try to do that with Harry, but at the same time he seems incredibly proud and pleased with himself when he talks about the prank. One moment confused me when I was reading book 3: when Sirius has Peter at gunpoint with his wand, he is extremely focused on him. He doesn't take his eyes off him, because it was for this moment, the act of revenge, that he escaped from prison. As far as I remember, Harry describes it as "nothing could distract him at that moment" or something like that. But as soon as Remus even mentions Snape, Sirius' attention suddenly switches: he turns away from Peter and asks about him again. Or when he watches Snape during the OWL exams??? Especially when Rowling describes his reaction after the exam, when he sees him under the tree, as the reaction of a dog to a rabbit. He seems so obsessed and like something happened between them that really got to him. Or he's just as intolerant of half-bloods as his family. I completely agree with you that Sirius bullied Snape simply because James did it and he found it funny. But his hatred seems excessive, he has no reason to hate Snape so much. James has his excuse about Lily, but Sirius has none of that. But he still tries to kill him and it doesn't really matter hides, lol. I've read an opinion that he hates him because of his unrequited feelings for James, where Severus is the reason James even noticed Lily, which I don't really agree with, to be honest. Sorry, it got too long, ahaha. What I want to ask is: do you have any thoughts on this?

Well, the explanation for his relationships at school is quite simple because Sirius doesn’t leave home until he’s 16. Considering that his brother goes to Slytherin and that Narcissa is his cousin, it’s not strange to deduce that Snape’s name, along with other Slytherin students, probably came up at some family dinner/lunch/meeting. Like, talking about who in Regulus and Sirius’ year might have ‘potential,’ for example. It seems coherent to me that, considering Sirius’ environment until he leaves to live with the Potters, he’d be aware of certain things.

Leaving that aside, let’s talk about Sirius Black, because I think in recent years the Marauders fandom has ruined this character, and he’s actually a character with a lot of depth. Or at least more than many others in the saga.

(This is gonna ne so fucking long lol)

Sirius is a posh kid. He’s a posh kid who is embarrassed about being posh and feels guilty about it. He’s the typical rich kid from a conservative family who’s had issues with his mom (in this case) and his way of getting back at everything he felt was missing from his childhood is to vehemently oppose everything he thinks she represents. And the funniest part is that (as is often the case) his problem with his mom is that they both have a terrible character, which is why they clash. Because Sirius has the kind of terrible character that is incompatible with anyone else who has the same terrible character. But despite everything, he’s still a posh kid. Because he comes from an aristocratic family and was raised with those values of superiority. Because he’s never had to fend for himself (he leaves home but goes to another rich family, the Potters, and on top of that, his uncle Alphard leaves him his entire inheritance, so he has plenty of money) and he has always enjoyed the privilege of his surname, his blood status, and the fact that he’s (according to Rowling) super handsome. In other words, Sirius belongs to the ruling class and behaves with the same arrogance, entitlement, and lack of empathy that is typical of that class. No matter how much he tries to deny it and distance himself from it, he can only do so on a superficial level (Muggle posters, being a Gryffindor, enchanting a Muggle motorcycle) because when it comes down to it, he has no idea how to deconstruct himself, nor is he interested in giving up or losing his privileges, because he’s quite comfortable with them. He’s like the typical aristocratic kid from an Opus Dei family who thinks he’s better than everyone around him because he votes for the left and has been to four protests, but at the end of the day, he still lives a bourgeois life and doesn’t understand the root of social problems.

That said, let’s move on to James.

I think James was everything Sirius wanted to be. No, not be, I think James had everything Sirius wanted to have: loving parents, a family that wasn’t involved in a cult, a pleasant environment that allowed him to do whatever he wanted instead of being constrained by traditions and social norms, liberal and progressive ideals… James had the life Sirius had always wanted, but with one key detail: he was also rich and from an old, prestigious family. This is super important because when Sirius chooses his rebellion partner, he doesn’t pick some random Muggle-born, or a half-blood, or someone from the middle or lower class. Sirius chooses as his best friend someone who embodies everything he wants to be/have, but who at the same time belongs to his same social stratum, both economically and in blood status. Sirius chooses a future Gryffindor rebel with very different ideas from his family, but ironically he chooses like anyone from his family would: someone with money, status, and power. And I find this super amusing because it’s so coherent with his character. I mean, if Sirius were a real person, he would’ve done the same thing because guys like him are like that: the kings of cognitive dissonance and double standards.

Sirius always wanted James’ validation, or at least that’s how I see it. I think for him, feeling that James approved of what he did was a way to legitimize himself as someone different from his family. James represented the “progressive” social elite that Sirius aspired to by rejecting the traditional values imposed on him. So, unconsciously, he understood that if he did everything James wanted, and I’ll go further, everything he thought James would like, then he would distance himself from that Black image and gain validation as something entirely opposite. The problem is that Sirius, unlike James, was raised in an environment where ethical and moral values were very different, and where it was clearly established that certain people were “the other,” an “other” sociologically understood as the idea that some humans are inherently less than others. And although Sirius consciously rejected this idea, unconsciously he had been raised with it. Therefore, consciously, he didn’t reject people based on their blood status because he could identify that as something his family would do, and family = bad. But unconsciously, he was conditioned to see other people as non-people, and this is where Severus comes into play.

James dislikes Severus because he sees him as an obstacle/threat/nuisance in his crush on Lily. By default, and because of that constant need for validation from James, Sirius also focuses on him as a hostile element. And if he’s hostile to James, who in a way is his moral compass, then that guy must be trash because, of course, it’s obvious. But not only that, this guy is also a half-blood and poor, so poor he wears old clothes. And on top of that, he’s ugly. And not very masculine. So he has all the elements for Sirius, the aristocrat raised in luxury under the premise that he’s better than others because of his origins, to see him as “the other” and exercise all his power and privilege to oppress him without remorse, because for him, it’s justified. Justified unconsciously by the education he received, and consciously because if James hates him, there must be a good reason to hate him, so everything is justified. If we add to that the fact that Severus desires everything Sirius has always tried to reject: more social status, more recognition, power, belonging to Slytherin, rubbing shoulders with important wizards, forgetting the Muggle world he grew up in… well, we have a molotov cocktail for him to make Severus’ life unbearable. And Severus is an easy target for someone like school-age Sirius Black: he has no friends, no surname, no parents to protect him, and no stable socio-economic situation. Sirius can project all his frustrations onto him without any consequences. He can completely dehumanize him and stop seeing him as a person. He can behave like a Black.

I think the Prank is a good example to see the difference in upbringing between Sirius and James. Both are bullies, both are abusers, both have zero remorse when it comes to using their status and power to make life impossible for those they believe deserve it. But James was raised in an environment where he knows that actions have consequences, that you can’t cross “certain lines,” such as murder, for example. Sirius was taught the opposite—he was raised to think that the life of “the other” holds no value, and that is something that in his story with Severus goes too far. James understands that death is something serious and can bring terrible consequences, while Sirius does not. For the Black family, death is nothing if there is a reason for the person to die, and Sirius has his own reasons for playing with Severus’ life the way Bellatrix would play with the life of any Muggle-born.

(This is something I really like as well—the way Sirius and Bellatrix are fundamentally alike, and how little that’s discussed. But I’ll leave that for another time, otherwise I won’t finish.)

I don’t think it’s a matter of Sirius being obsessed with Snape, but rather that, for all the reasons I’ve explained, he uses Severus as a catalyst for his repressed anger and that sadism he inherited from his family. He can’t channel it toward anyone else because that would lead to absolute rejection from James. Since James hates and despises Severus, he’s never going to question Sirius for channeling all his pent-up rage on him, so it’s a free pass. If he had reached that level of sadism with someone who didn’t provoke the same level of animosity in James as Severus did, he would have risked confronting his biggest fear: that James would see him as a Black, not as Sirius. Losing his validation as the black sheep to become just another one of them. So he focuses on Severus because it’s a safe bet.

Moving on to their relationship during the book canon…

We don’t really see a proper confrontation until the fifth book. I mean, in the third, it shows that Sirius still sees Severus as “other” by dragging him along while unconsciously banging his head. In the fourth, there’s that scene where Dumbledore forces them to shake hands, and it’s clear they still hate each other. But it’s not until the fifth book that we get a real confrontation, where Sirius loses his temper. I think this has a lot to do with (drumroll) once again that cognitive dissonance between what Sirius always wanted to be and what he actually is, especially given the role he plays on the chessboard at that point in the story.

Sirius did everything he could to distance himself from his family, and the climax of that was joining the Order of the Phoenix and actively fighting against that same family, several members of whom were “soldiers” for the opposite side. Sirius is finally achieving what he wants—to be a hero. To stop being part of the elite dark villains and instead be part of the heroic elite. The noble of high birth who fights valiantly for the good of the realm, just as James was destined to be. It’s the climax, the absolute fulfillment of his adolescent desire. But then he’s thrown into Azkaban, and when he gets out, he finds that the poor, weird kid addicted to dark arts, who sucked up to future dark wizards, who hung out with purists and even joined the “bad side”—the side of Sirius’ family, the villains—is now the most important member of the Order. He’s none other than Dumbledore’s right hand. He’s a double agent risking his neck every day and has more responsibility than anyone else. That kid Sirius called Snivellus for being a crybaby has more guts and more endurance than most people. The one who always wanted to be part of the elite Sirius hated is now the one playing them all, making them look like idiots. The one who looked frail and effeminate turns out to be more “manly.” And that hurts. That hurts a lot. You go to prison, and when you get out, the person you didn’t even consider a person not only ranks above you, but is playing in a league you can’t aspire to. And the best part is, Sirius can’t fully accept it because he’s still Sirius—a classist, privileged aristocrat incapable of accepting that (as is only logical) the poor working-class kid turned out to be far more useful than him in both politics and war.

To me, it’s poetic justice.

[poptod]

Hi! Can I have an enemies to lovers fic between Ahkmenrah and a Nubian Queen, where their territories are at war with each other (as in a war is literally taking place) 😇😇

notes: man, ive been integrating nubia/kush into my ancient egyptian stories for How long now and i havent thought of doing this? damn. anyway i sort of changed the prompt a little cause i didnt want to get too much into the politics between ancient egypt and nubia cause holy fuck was that a hyperobsession of mine for a bit WC: 1.8k

+

This was... unconventional, to put it lightly. You and a Pharaoh inherited a war from your parents – a longlasting conflict between Nubia and Egypt, and having it end up this way was something no one could have prepared for.

You had directed armies yourself; put yourself in battle, ridden hordes of bulls through encampments and foreign soldiers. It was a purposeful tactic to incite fear in those who opposed you, a lesson in the dramatics handed down to you by your father. He always had an eye for showmanship.

Ahkmenrah conducted undercover operations and covert raids and, at times, led his armies into battle. He was renowned for his work with swords and daggers, often using fire to get his way. By lighting your cities aflame, he weakened the power of Nubia, and destroyed precious resources and lives.

Both of you had earned your share of scars, up and down your arms, puncturing your chest and slashing your skin. You personally fought one another on several occasions – the month-long conflict in Semna, the burning of Buhen, the advance on Aswan. Your officers attested to your hatred of the man, and the people of Egypt were well in the know of the Pharaonic family's distaste for Nubians.

"That bastard cut two of my fingers off," you often recounted, and often (and coincidentally) on the same days the Pharaoh would say, "that little shit ruined my perfect skin."

What he meant by this remained, for a good while, unknown to those who heard it. His officers and advisors had asked him several times, but he never gave a straight answer. He kept it a nice secret till it was inevitably discovered to be long, numerous scars ranging all up his back. From his shoulder blades to the small of his back, scars had ruined the once smooth skin, a gift from you to him.

How you gave him these scars was also unknown, and continued to be so forever. He never answered how it happened and you never spoke about it.

However, the answer became clear, though not officially confirmed.

You looked off the side of the bed, listless eyes drifting between the different paintings lining the bedroom's walls. Unlike the grandeur of the court room and dining room, the images were not of the Pharaoh, instead displaying the wealth of a happy garden. It was art you had somehow come to miss in your time away from Egypt.

Kisses landed on the back of your neck before hands travelled to your waist, squeezing the supple skin as the kisses grew lower. You attempted to shake the touch off but he was persistent.

"No," you said, squirming in place but not bothering to leave your spot on the bed. "I came here to settle my debt and I should return to that."

"Lie here with me and your debt is settled," he murmured, lips moving against your skin as he spoke.

"That is not even close to –"

"Shhh," he said softly, and his movements continued without pause, searching the body he had gotten to know uncomfortably well.

Unbeknownst to the populace and to many of your officials, the two of you exchanged letters. Nothing of fantastic importance nor hatred, but instead a communication between two people who had no one else to relate to besides each other. Where else would you find a King or Queen embroiled in conflict?

So you related to one another, and the information you relayed in your letters was always thrice-checked, a tactic to keep Ahkmenrah from using anything against you. He did the same with his own letters, which you expected him to.

Your worst enemy and closest friend continued to kiss you as you lay in his bed, his hand wandering lower till he tugged at the hem of your skirt.

"I'm going to kill you one of these days," you said as you rolled over, facing him head-on. As usual, your words were curt, to the point, and spoken in a nearly monotone voice with complete seriousness. As usual, his eyes were glittering with the excitement you often sparked in him, the most bittersweet of smiles always tainting his lips.

"You've tried six times and you've been unsuccessful thus far," he said in a teasing manner, his grin spreading.

"Well then," you said as he moved to hold himself above you, one hand planted on either side of your head as he sat between your legs, "one more try won't hurt."

"Please don't try to kill me while I'm having sex with you," he groaned.

"I don't want undead dick in me, so I thought I'd do it before or after," you said, something he apparently found amusement in.

"If you weren't the one that destroyed my alliance with Punt, I would marry you so hard," he admitted before diving in to kiss you, aligning perfectly with your lips. You tried two times to reply, but you were entirely muted, and eventually you gave in.

You hated him from the moment you met him. Was that still true, though? Did you still hate him, the man who had taken so much from you, gifting it back in the form of a physical love. His actions in the throes of passion did not suffice as an apology, so you assumed yes––you still hated him.

After all was said and done, you didn't dare to linger. Being absent more than a day from your country never boded well, though the journey back would take up the rest of the day, as the sun had risen a short time ago. You dressed yourself and bid a hasty good-bye to the Pharaoh, who asked you to stay longer.

"If I stay any longer I'm going to suffocate you," you said as you adjusted your belt.

"Have you ever stopped to think maybe I want that?" He asked, and in pure confusion you turned to him, your expression contorted. He explained further, "I've heard choking can be very good during sex."

"Shut the fuck up," you sighed, rolling your eyes as you turned back to your reflection. He just chuckled, flopping back down on the bed.

You paused for a moment––stopped dressing yourself, and instead unwillingly turned your attention to Ahkmenrah's reflection in the mirror, his curls a mess as he stared up at the ceiling. The slow rise and fall of his chest did not match the heavy blush on his cheeks. As he turned to lay on his side, you caught sight of his back, and the numerous scratch marks lining up and down it.

"Do they hurt?" You asked softly, and though you didn't realize it at the time, they were the first soft-spoken words you had shared with him.

"Do what hurt?" He asked in return, rolling back over to face you with a curious smile.

"Those marks on your back," you said, though you didn't turn to face him, instead locking eyes with him in the mirror. "I never mean to give you them."

"You don't?" He asked, quirking one of his brows. "I've always thought of them as a memento. I mean they hurt, but... most things you do hurt me."

For as right as he was, you couldn't help but feel a twinge of embarrassment for your actions. You had done many things to him and around him, and by both of your accounts, none of the things you'd done had helped him in any way. Except the sex, but neither of you thought of that as your own actions. But he was handsome, and he was kind to his people. Despite the mutual hatred between you he always ensured you were alright with what he was doing in bed. It was two different versions of yourselves––the battlefield, and the home. He was a perfect lover and a ruthless King, and you never bothered to be anything but a spiteful ruler on and off the battlefield.

"Put some lavender oil on it," you said, fixing your collar. "It helps get rid of scars.

"We don't have any lavender oil ever since you cut off our trade network," he said flatly.

"Oh," you paused, "right."

You took one more moment to watch him through his reflection before you took a deep breath.

"I have to leave now. Try not to get into any trouble, or start any, before I get home," you said.

"When will I see you next?" He asked, his cheek squished into the mattress.

"Probably when you wake up at midnight with a knife above your head."

He laughed, but before he could properly respond, you left out the door with your veil concealing your identity. So instead he sighed, turning back to the ceiling as the image of you imprinted itself behind his eyelids. He would miss you no matter how hard he tried not to, and he knew this because every time you left him in his bedroom, emptiness replaced the warmth in his chest. Your warmth.

The moment he passed the threshold of his room, however, he fell back into his natural state––the one he held around his palace officials and citizens. The man who burnt down cities. Very rarely did he ever let this facade fall, and in the following weeks he kept up with it, only breaking it for a split second on a humid evening.

Mail had come into his study, full of letters, plans, and maps all addressed to him. Usually he went through them with his advisors and vizier, but tonight was a holy night, and many of them had asked for the day off, which he of course granted.

The last piece of mail wasn't a scroll or a letter, but instead a small package with a note inside. He frowned as he tore open the sealing, curious to see its' contents. Out fell a sturdy glass bottle, followed by a slip of paper, and the bud of a dried flower.

Get a pretty girl and have her use this on you.

Signed, your friend

He twisted the cork off the bottle. The scent inside was strong enough to reach him without him having to bring it to his nose, and instantly he recognized the source.

Lavender.

He grinned, a grin that only grew larger as he thought of what to say in return. In a flash he grabbed his own papyrus and pen, scribbling down a neat response.

Use it on me yourself, coward.

Signed, your love.

A week later the mail came into your home, and for a good while you sorted through it, though what first caught your attention was the insignia Ahkmenrah planted on each of his covert letters. A lotus. You set that aside––it was not as important as other matters, and it could wait until a little later.

When you did open it, however, you went into such a fluster that a blush coated your face for a good three days.

[hispaniae]

sing   me   o   Muse   :::   teodósio    francesco   de  borja

————— hello, henry here with teodósio francesco de borja, aka the society’s                    hopeful homer & resident asshole extraordinaire who will look down on you for                    literally any reason he can grasp bc he’s got both superiority and inferiority                    complexes! lms to plot or hit me up on my discord handle given below.

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intro.

( jorge lópez, cisgender male, he/him ) — a member of the [ DE BORJA ] family seeks entry to the society ! [ TEODÓSIO FRANCESCO ] is a [ 27 ] year old [ CLASSICIST ] who hails from [ TOLEDO, SPAIN ] , who call them [ THE HOMERIC ] . although their peers know them for being [ PRODIGIOUS ] and [ ACCOMPLISHED ] , their reputation for being [ OBSESSIVE ] and [ MORBID ] might prove intimidating for new initiates. while the [ DE BORJA ] family is known for [ SPANISH NOBILITY ] , the society’s own [ HOMER ] is better remembered by [ A CHILDHOOD SPENT IN LONELY HALLWAYS, THE FEEL OF FLIPPING THROUGH CENTURIES-OLD MANUSCRIPTS, AND THE LEISURE OF NEVER HAVING TO WORK FOR ANYTHING BECAUSE EVERYTHING WAS HANDED DOWN TO YOU  ] . initial reports say their goal of  [  HANDING POWER BACK TO THE NOBILITY  ]  would be their first priority after being inducted, although who’s to say that won’t change ?

summary.

this is a story rehashed over and over: man forges meaning out of blood and sweat and tears, cast out of an iron-willed determination and the idea that there is something more to this tepid life. he gets born with sainted lineage, a name stolen from genealogy books, and the practices of centuries-old tradition. his existence is rooted more in the past than the present or the future; he will always be tied to a script he did not write.

his formation is archaic and quaint, remnants of a practice that is several decades overdue; though perhaps it is out of coddling him more than tradition that the duke and duchess of escalona and frías make him stay home. he is the only child of his parents’ union—and, considering the matter of his birth, he is destined to remain that way forevermore. he is precious, holy, a gift, and a blessing. teodósio will always be sewn with the expectation of holiness on his head and miracles on his hands.

there are the tutors, ones tailored to the skills and aspects that will be more fitting to his stature: there is ancient greek and latin; there is the study of classical civilisations and etiquette; there is lines and lines of names on a genealogical record and the studying of coat of arms. he ends up knowing more about which fork to use on a social gathering than how to it feels to play on a park. teodósio never learns this lack, stuck as he is with ancient manuscripts begging to be translated.

as if to further his own aura of mystique, he gets sent into a benedictine abbey to get his secondary education, being brought up under the auspices of the supreme wealth and power of the church. it is an old nobles’ retreat: he breaks bread with the heirs to the lineage of the former dukedom of bavaria, the deposed portuguese monarchy, and whatever remnants of austria-hungary there is left. they are a crumbling dominion, their class dwindling out, and he sees firsthand their endangerment and their decline.

teodósio realises, perhaps for the first time, that there is no room in the world for people of his like anymore. perhaps there never really was. from the moment of his birth to the present moment, he gets told he is special—but what’s so special about being heir to a decaying lineage, a diminishing power, a status that means nothing anymore? what is special about so much ruin and rot?

there is a hunger in him that starts to swell, threatening to eat him, if not the world, alive—or perhaps it is less hunger and more of a void. he is so empty, he feels like a raw wound, sore and bleeding and left open. what’s the matter with me? he often thinks. what’s wrong with me? he pretends not to. he doesn’t realise that he’s been so long taught to fulfil an image that he was never taught to be human—and yet, like everyone else, he is.

drugs cw — he fills it with everything he can imagine: there is an obsession in him for some kind of experience, some kind of breakthrough. he’s searching for a revelation but he could find nothing—not in religion, not in accomplishment, not in wine, not in drugs, nothing at all. 

there is a certain hint of melancholy to his being now. there is nothing that the world can offer him save for what he makes of it—and yet, what can he forge with his own self? what can he have that hasn’t been freely offered up to him? he is a simulacra of a person, so far away from being real it almost hurts; and yet—and yet—perhaps this is what personhood always feels like.

tl;dr: literally his whole life is this passage from the secret history: “Nothing,” he said. “Except that my life, for the most part, has been very stale and colorless. Dead, I mean. The world has always been an empty place to me. I was incapable of enjoying even the simplest things. I felt dead in everything I did.” and this quote from fleabag: [crying]  You know, either everyone feels like this a little bit, or they're just not talking about it, or I am completely fucking alone. Which really isn't fucking funny.

simple connections.

warning for: drug mention

european nobility & other global upper crust

socialite friends / party friends 

fellow academics & scholars

thrill-seekers / tripsitters / fellow junkies

drug dealers / drug connections

antiquarian dealers / rare books collectors

college social circle ( oxford / leuven )

wanderlust buddies / travel buddies

people he probably did a bacchanal with once

if someone actually makes a muse of theirs attend ettal abbey at around the same time as he did, i will love you forever

[sleepynegress]

Now that I’ve let it marinate, here are my THOROUGH thoughts on Black Panther...

Cut because extensive spoilers...

First, it was a great film.  Great in terms of being a big budget “blockbuster” fun movie and great in weight. Budget and weight are areas previous black superhero entries have lacked and why this one resonates so much now.

Now, I’m gonna break down the contents that stood out to me... 

We open with a beautifully done and narratively resonant breakdown of the history of Wakanda.  Basically, the civilizational advantage of inherited wealth (<- coming back to this), via space metal, times multi-trillions.  They watch the world fight, violate, and destroy --ESPECIALLY to people on the same continent on which they exist-- and choose, smartly, to remain hidden.... Or who knows??  Maybe they would have defeated the guns of old and stopped the colonizers before they did real damage... Which is a what if?... 

...That Killmonger symbolizes.  He is the dream deferred, the one that exploded. He is the gaping wound of the enslaved that Wakanda did not even try to save. He is post-African black pain/rage at that scattered people that reaches for a home that was snatched from them generations ago...  The ones taken from home without choice, with potential squandered by lesser people. Which is why he is the most sympathetic villain I’ve ever seen. Grounding him in Oakland, even to the point where even his vision took him back to that project (with the ancestral sky of Wakanda outside his window, honestly I cried).  #killmongerwasntwrong

As for the Wakandan feminine... This movie was honestly, the most thoughtful mainstream rendering of black womanhood in the hands of a black man, I have seen on screen... I argue Daughters of the Dust is still the tops for me, but this mainstream big budget comicbook film(!)  reminded me of it with certain elements...

Nakia is the “we knew and we told you but men stay not listening”, black woman from the future, ahead of even T’Challa until the movie’s plot resolves and catches up to her vision.  Killmonger wasn’t wrong, but Nakia was right. The hashtag should be #NakiaWasRight. As usual, black women know and tell with a precision first, but rarely get the credit. Killmonger wasn’t wrong but toxic masculinity, courtesy of Western values and abandonment, corrupted his vision for himself and black and other oppressed peoples.

Okoye is the strength of black womanhood, -not the gross stereotypical SBW garbage that too many white people think is a compliment, but is really their trite way of saying “Pain must not affect them the same way!”  No, she is disciplined, capable, beautiful, and beloved.  As an aside, I just know Alek Wek screamed when she threw her wig in that one scene. That act reminded me so much of Wek doing similar at that runway show (which was iconic!) and pretty much made the same statement (that wig was totally raggedy and ugly on purpose).

Shuri is black potential unhindered and allowed to thrive. All because the expectations and opportunity in Wakanda are limitless... She is as important a cultural touchstone in terms of influencing young black girls to take up STEM fields as the film Hidden Figures is. She is black girl joy and magic rolled into one.  Mischievous, loving, sweet, kind, curious.  Letitia’s performance was brilliant because she played the girlhood we are so often denied so well, it was undeniable even by the usual suspects who would... That said, I can see people treating her too preciously in a direction could also go the way of dehumanization.  She’s not a mascot, child, baby, or spirit animal. She’s an intelligent teenager, a genius.  She’s not your token prop for proving how much you can adore “one special” black female character. I can already see the overly-precious and precocious cameos in white slash fic where she drops off a “tech thing”, is hugged, has her hair ruffled amiably, sasses cutely, and then disappears... WHITE PEOPLE, DON’T DO THIS.

Queen Ramonda, the female elders tending to blossoms, the elderly woman at council all represented a kind of feminine energy that is something we black folks (of course) had first, but is universal... The women who know the rituals, the medicines, the crafts, traditions, passed down among them.  Just about every culture on Earth has this... A gathering of cooperative women who heal and guard traditions

T’Challa The Black Panther represents healthy/regal uncorrupted masculinity.  Again, courtesy of the privileges of being Wakandian royalty, just like his sister.  Steady, protective of his family, responsible,  confident, and vulnerable. Heavy in burden, but projecting lightness and ease of wisdom to all alongside his tread, Shuri’s invention of sneakers was perfectly perfect for him.  

M’Baku could have gone wrong easily, with his size and comic origins (“Man-Ape”) but no, he was strong in both mind and body, and most importantly human, (this is where white filmmakers would have ruined him and made him a lovable lout).  A vegetarian who challenged, lost, teased, and made wise choices for his people.. A people that represented that proud underclass, even on the boundaries of supposedly enlightened Wakanda.

The TECH...  OMG...The tech, the beads, the transportation, the organic design and flow and interconnectedness of it.  The flying ships shaped like lifeforms already designed for flight.  The energy bolts, shock absorbers and redistributors...  If I remember my physics, energy expelled does not disappear. It HAS to be expended in some way. Shuri’s inventions all had that in common, effectively harvesting and using energy. 

Now, I’m getting back to that inherited wealth, that I feel is one of the biggest messages taken away from this film:  There is no such thing as benevolent privilege.  ...Even if that .00000001% status literally dropped out of the sky, (which we know, did not happen that way for the actual privileged among us).  Wakandians never exploited people, never actively subjugated, nor committed genocide and yet, their hands were still red... They were the passive bystanders, who knew what wrong was, but did nothing. This was T’Chaka leaving his nephew in that project, Erik glimpsing that ship fly away...

And yet, that kind if purposeful greedy, manic, snatched-away at the cost of stomping on “the other” kind of privilege WAS ALSO represented in this film via Claue.  ...His racist taunts, his jealousy, his repugnant personality.  He was the embodiment of the evil of whiteness. Brilliant performance by Serkis on that.

Freeman was an exposition machine for entry into the (white) Marvel world.  He had to guided and instructed to obvious places (a nod to what black actors typical endure in white narratives). I found it fascinating reading one fan lament that the importance of Captain America’s shield was taken away because it wasn’t just his, wasn’t rare, but Wakandians had a bounty all this time.  It was no longer this white hero’s “special thing”.   They were sad about that, but not that it had been stolen and sold on the black market to become his shield in the first place.  ...Freeman’s character represented white fans awaking to their own casual racism and disregard of the black other. In this case, it helped these advanced people hide.  Sometimes, you don’t disabuse people of their low expectations.

As for random bits? Loved the thoughtful costuming and set design. NEVER has a black film set in “fantasy/scifi” had the money and work and black perspective this film has.  LORDT Jordan got a juicy ASS! (I’m sorry, but I’m human yall), M’Baku is tall-thicc-hotness personified, Bassett is an immortal goddess, Lupita is a dainty doll made of empathy, The Dora Miljae is the power of black cooperative womanhood... Also shout-out to the elderly member of council with the Namibian influenced hairstyle.

The ancestral plane, yall... Note that it was twilight when T’Challa first visited, but brightly lit during his second visit.

“Bury me in the ocean with my ancestors who jumped from ships.”  T’Challa taking Erik up to see the Wakandian sunset...

 “...Hey auntie.”  also, Jordan brilliantly played Erik as full of posturing as a mask for deep-seeded pain... Just jeez.  

BATTLE RHINOS!!! where Nakia ended up after that car was destroyed, Okoye paddle-sailing on the damn road with a spear, Just THE WOMEN being the MVP’s in every way in this damn movie. Listen, I loved Wonder Woman? but it did not do cooperative womanhood nearly as well...NOT EVEN CLOSE... I’m probably gonna add more to this post... I’m still dazzled and gobsmacked a day later.

THAT SAID, my only quibbles are that you CAN TELL that this movie’s original cut was 6 hours long (editing felt a bit off at places) and the way fight scenes were filmed, weren’t filmed-and-cut as well as Winter Soldier.  

But that’s it.  These are my scattered thoughts.

ONE MORE THOUGHT!!! Could be that Killmonger did the Wakandians favor burning all those flowers, IF Thanos is going to Wakanda for the reason I think he is, in Infinity Wars... That might make it harder for him to locate.

Gotta link this, because totally neglected  W’Kabi. I should add that I’ve only seen it once. But I hope to see it again.

[servaelynrillek-blog]

❣ - Fabius, Decima, ADAM for all three!

Vaelyn:Fabius: ☰  I amstill trying to figure you out. I’m not sure if I can trust you.There was a time when it may have been possible for Vaelyn to trust, or possibly even becomes friends with Fabius, but that time has long passed. With Fabius’ regained loyalty to the Garleans, and specifically the Vth legion, Vaelyn can only be of a cautious state of mind around him. Fabius is such the opposite of Vaelyn, flamboyant where Vaelyn is too serious, yet once upon a time the Garlean managed to make him laugh and have fun(all the drinking helped), which isn’t easy to coax out of the oft-times dour and harsh Ishgardian man. Decima: 💔💔  I’m pretty sure you want to hurt me,and I intend to protect myself.Though his experiences with Decima were few and far between, he can’t resolve that her intentions are good as claimed, nor that she believes that herself. Perhaps in some twisted way Decima does believe she’s doing good for all of Eorzea, by striving to bring them under Garlean rule, but Vaelyn cannot abide by her methods. Not to mention her often overtly-sexual nature just grates on the priest’s nerves. If he had a more open sense of humour he might have hunt a ‘Do not touch’ sign around his neck when he was around her.ADAM: 💔💔💔  The firstchance I get, I’m killing you before you kill me.ADAM may have garnered a modicum of admiration for his scientific ambitions, however it was accompanied by a wealth of loathing and disgust hidden behind the well manicured mask of neutrality that Vaelyn wears quite frequently. There are some means and methods that Vaelyn accepts as a requirement of progression, however ADAM went too far, as he is wont to believe of most, if not all Garleans. Not to mention ADAM’s distasteful, to Vaelyn, cowboy aesthetic. No way, no how was Vaelyn going to wear that get-up. That alone was enough to warrant thoughts of murdering ADAM. Yoxoh’sae:Fabius: ❤❤  I could let my guard down and fall asleep in your presence and feel safe.With too much history between them, and the young Miqo’te’s penchant for trusting too much, Yoxoh’sae still can’t bring himself to believe that Fabius is a bad person. He very much misses the flamboyant, carefree person that Fabius used to be, however, and wishes that the Garlean could pull away from all the stress(or so Sae believes to be the cause), and go back to being fun, and bright with a joie de vivre that went far and beyond anyone else he’s ever met. Decima: 💔  Something’s just not right. I’m afraid of you.Suffice it to say, Yoxoh’sae doesn’t like Decima at all, not to mention what Ulf’s said to him about her. Their one meeting was quite enough for him, and he’d rather turn around and walk the other way if he happened to spot her in the crowd, rather than get himself caught up in her grasp literally and figuratively speaking. ADAM: ??????As Yoxoh’sae has never met ADAM, he has no opinions on the man. No doubt though, ADAM would terrify him and Sae would make every effort to get out of the man’s presence. Spurius:Fabius: ❤  I think Itrust you, but I am still cautious around you.They may be brothers, but Fabius never seems to be happy around Spurius and in a way that the little psion can’t quite figure out. Surely if he pried telepathically he would figure out all of Fabius’ feelings, or at least glean most of them even if he didn’t fully understand the adult’s motivations. In the end, Spurius is pretty sure his brother would push him down some stairs at the first chance he got, if he could get away with it. Oddly, he thinks that might be kind of fun. Decima: ❤❤  I could let my guard down and fall asleep in your presence and feel safe.While not exactly eager to please, and too focused on wanting to play pranks, play with cool animals(and accidentally kill them, except for EVE), and eat sweets that have nutritional suppliments hidden in them unbeknownst to him, Spurius just wants mother to love him and he’s perplexed why she always seems so distant and that he seems to have a deleterious effect upon her. Why doesn’t mother trust him? He would wonder that if he wasn’t too busy trying to force Aetius to eat chocolate, or attempting to ruin Aetius’ relationships because it seems a fun thing to do. Still, he generally listens to what mother wants, even if he doesn’t always do it to the best of his ability.ADAM: ❤❤❤  I trust you withmy life. I know you would never hurt me.Spurius loves and admires his dad more than anyone in the whole entire world. So much so, that anything ADAM does to him, or makes him do is seen as some twisted form of affection, even if it might horrify the others. Spurius is very much a product of his dad’s design, and in some regards follows in his footsteps simply by existing. Spurius would like nothing more than to be just like his dad one day, even though it’s much more likely that Spurius’ future is to continue on as a special forces soldier, just as he is now, despite being a child. Every moment Spurius spends with his dad brings him a profound sort of happiness, and he might even feel a sliver of remorse when he does things that gets him a scolding from ADAM. It’s difficult to say behind the mask, and the seemingly limited range of emotions that the disturbed little boy possesses. However, even though it’s seen as a ‘prank’, Spurius steals medical and lab kits from ADAM’s labs to try and emulate his father in the way that children tend to do, and he loves taking care of EVE not only because he simply adores the massive serpent, but because she’s very precious to his father and he wants to make sure that EVE gets the best of care, even if he doesn’t entirely know how to give it.

BONUS ROUND!!!!

Summer:

“Allah you Garlean fucks’re gonna die a real gruesome death, y’hear? I’m gonna hunt down every last one ah you an’ beat ya until yer bleedin’ and broken. Don’t think that’s the end though, because i’ll enjoy every gods be damned moment I spend breaking every single bone in yer bodies, before I set ya out to hang for the birds and the beasts to eat away at yah while yah bleed out. But ya know, I think it’d be even more deservin if’n ah didn’t let ya die for as long as possible. Hire me some real skilled healer ta keep you fucks alive, well and suffering for days, or if’n i’m lucky, weeks on end before yer finally allowed t’rest.”@el-v-i-s

[tayegi]

I feel like all those misogyny anons are young girls or if not they shouldn't even blame everything on the OC????? Literally. All. Of. Them. Are. Doing . The. Same. Thing. It's a whole messy relationship. Don't blame one character when the others are doing the exact same shit!!!!

All the beautiful messages I received are under the cut ^^

But I just really REALLY wanted to thank everyone for sending me such wonderful asks. Right when I was about to lose faith in humanity, you guys came out of nowhere to restore my faith. I really REALLY appreciate it. I was srsly even considering deleting Equilibrium because I refuse to let this disgusting misogyny spread, but now I realize those misogynists are thankfully just the vocal minority. 

I really REALLY appreciate this, guys. You always know what to say to make me feel better when I’m at the cusp of giving up. I LOVE YOU

Anonymous said:BRUUHHHH shit just got real in equilibrium. Seeing the development of the story, I knew it was gonna come crashing down soon but damn. This story is so interesting and I really enjoy reading stories with very flawed characters. JK was really pissing me off like he's so damn controlling and it's amazing how people don't see equal fault in all three of them and point fingers at the girl???? Like wtf what story are y'all reading cause last time I checked they were all using each other lmao

Anonymous said:wtf??? how is oc manipulative and a bitch??? can't they that jk is the bitch here?? like he's so selfish and conniving and omg I'm just so angry after that update. not at you because damn girl you can write but like ahhh why wont he just let her touch jm like I just wanna Hug her tbh. I hope she finds the right man. u go girl!!Anonymous said:Omg I come back to this nonsense? I hope you don't let this affect you too much. I don't get why women are always blamed. If anything as I was reading I felt bad for the OC the most honestly. Shes insecure because she got bullied when she was younger and then this angel Jimin comes and he's nice to her and she gets attached. Jungkook takes advantage of the situation so it works out in his favor. For 6 months he was the only one who knew what was really going on.

Anonymous said:Wow I was so surprised to see that people were angry with the OC She is so pitiful and desperate Plus Jungkook's actions are so sick he knows she doesn't love him but he knows she won't leave him because of Jimin so even in this situation he is still using Jimin to manipulate the OC They are all so fucked up

Anonymous said:Really hope all the shitty misogyny doesn't put you off after how hard you've worked! please remember theres shitloads of us who really do appreciate your work and as much as people don't openly voice it, we're still all here in the background, internally voicing our opposition to the minority that obviously don't see the wealth in your work x so fuck them and do your shit because you want to! it's annoying that some aren't understanding it in the way they should but just know the rest of us dox

Anonymous said:I think the problem is not that the OC is women. The problem is that the readers are narrow-minded fans that blindly favor there idols.. U kno, when the bias also clearly did smth wrong but they only blame the other side... Tsk tsk. But the thing that I'm worried is that the story probably won't have an happy ending :c I know it's not ok but I want to OC has a new start with Jungkook (I am sorry Jimin!) or she would be sick of this relationship& too hurt& move out and be a roommate with Tae

Anonymous said:Hey, please don't regret the story cause of some of these mysogynistic idiots. I mean ofc if it makes you uncomfortable to write it then do whats best for you. But i love this story because of the complex nature of this messed up relationship, and your amazing writing. I love how you present selfishness in all three of them. The good and bad in them. You write in shades of grey instead of black and white and its truly amazing. Anyway i hope i didnt say something wrong i just love your work.

Anonymous said:Thank you for standing up in what you believe in. It's one thing for males to be misogynists (which is still HORRIBLY WRONG, fuck them) but for females to behave like one too? It's just disappointing. Us women get enough shit everyday as it is. We should be empowering each other instead of looking at each other as threats BLEEGH! Anyway I loved the latest chapter of equilibrium and pretty much everything you've written.... 🤗

aloneandlovingit said:I appreciate you so much for always calling out these misogynistic people for their shit. Whenever something goes wrong in a relationship it's always the woman who is blamed and the man is made to be a victim even if they're both in the wrong. The worst part is that these anons are probably young girls who were brought up to think this way and this just perpetuates the culture of women being against women and it needs to stop! Anyway I loved the new chapter as always and I love you 😘

Anonymous said:Why and how are people talking shit about the oc???? Wtf.. Equilibrium's so well thought and well structured, people in love do stupid shit, get over it. Jk is being fucking selfish and emotionally using them both, and if people wanna blame someone, blame the right guy. I really rope that the oc get out of this mess, cause girl u don't deserve all this bull shit. and fuck all this misogynist people +

Anonymous said:I'm so shook. I'm leaving this ask to let you know that the majority of the female population all over the world is still NOT on the mysogynous side! Girls, read carefully before you speak! Lu has written everything not only beautifully/intriguingly but also in a crystal clear manner (come on, you don't actually need to interpret things, make a list of who's done what and you'll see that each character is just as manipulative and opportunistic as the other)! Cheers Lu, this is a masterpiece.

Anonymous said:I can't believe people are saying the OC is a bitch?? what about jungkook who proposed this relationship for "fun" and had motives??? and jimin who only likes jungkook and shuts the OC out??? i've been wanting to rip jimin's throat out since he entered the fic

Anonymous said:I could be missing something, but I don't understand the outrage towards the OC when she is just desperate to hold on to the first person who treated her like a real person. That is why I think she is 'attached' to Jimin. The same goes for Jungkook being 'in love' with the OC since she is the first person to ask him a 'meaningful' question that wasn't superficial (coffee shop convo). My heart hurts for the OC because she has to fight so hard for Jimin's attention when she deserves better.

Anonymous said:I seriously can't see how these people are so blind. It was obvious that they were all using each other before and in the latest update Jungkook basically said he never cared about Jimin. How did they miss that? And Jimin rejected the OC until Jungkook proposed they all date. Wow. P.S. I had a feeling Jungkook would be the first one to break. Love your writing and don't let these people ruin Equilibrium for you.

Anonymous said:I almost feel bad for the anons who feel the need to antagonize the OC so much... But it actually fucking hurts. To think that every time that both men and women are in the wrong the woman is the one punished 110% of the time... Ugh I'm so sorry that this had to open our eyes to all the brainwashed idiots out there still perpetuating such hard-lined misogyny. But keep in mind that there are still lots of people who don't stand for this shit and never will, stay strong and love you!!!! 💖💖💖

Anonymous said:Equilibrium is one of my favs and it so upsetting to see people turn the story into something else because they are too blind to see their precious oppas do anything wrong.

Anonymous said:Are people serious? Its so obvious that jungkook and jimin are doing the exact same thing as the oc. Jungkook is only in the relationship for the oc. Jimin is only in it for jungkook. How can you blame the oc for being manipulative but not fault them

Anonymous said:but notice how no one is going "aw poor jimin jungkook tried to abandon him thank god the oc is caring and didn't run away with him" 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 ppl are unbelievable. I'm so sorry this is the reaction ch 10 is receiving lu. pls don't let it discourage you. use your voice and the fact that a lot of ppl read the fic to EDUCATE AND TEACH YOUNG WOMEN. stopping now won't accomplish anything. I think you have enough influence with your writing to get something across to these young women and help them

Anonymous said:I want to tell you that equilibrium is honestly so beautiful & your writing is really amazing. I've only recently discovered you but I am upset I didn't find you before! As for the main character & the boys: HELLO THEY ALL PLAYED EACH OTHER FOR THEIR OWN REASONS!!!! Like why is everyone mad at the OC when each character was in the relationship just to be with the one they liked? Anyways the last part with Jungkook & the OC in the hallway is so nicely written! I hope you have a nice day! 💙😄

Anonymous said:I can't believe the amount of ppl mad at the oc rn when jungkook was literally doing the same thing??? so was jimin???? they were ALL playing each other, dont ppl understand that?! that's the whole point of this fic, y/n is in love with jimin, jimin is in love with jungkook, jungkook is in love with y/n. It's all just one big love triangle and they're all lying to each other by being in this relationship. I'm sorry ppl aren't getting that, but pls don't let that discourage you from writing it :(

Anonymous said:*reads the asks saying rude things about the Equilibrium OC* :/ *sighs* Why are people only focusing on the OC??? Jungkook is just as bad, and really no one wants to be with everyone in that relationship. :/ The OC wants Jimin, Jimin wants Jungkook, Jungkook wants to OC. Putting all the blame on the OC is just stupid. :/ I'm sorry you're having to deal with those anons. I wasn't around for what you were saying about In Bloom, but I can see how similar stuff to this would put you off of it. :/

Anonymous said:reads other anon messages - sighs - guys... look below the surface before you immediately judge the narrator. JK doesn't deserve sympathy--he's using Jimin to get to Y/N, Jimin is using Y/N to get to JK, and Y/N is using JK to get to Jimin. No one's innocent of this. In addition, the way he just roped Y/N into giving him exclusivity wasn't exactly fair or unproblematic... So they're all guilty, and the drama's so gooooodddd

Anonymous said:Thank you for the update. I haven't read it yet but in really excited about it!!! I'm really sorry about all of these random rude misogynist ppl who just came out of the blue tho.

[katsjoyful]

We may recognize that we don't have the Joy of our Salvation as we ought to, while we are unaware of where we were robbed. The Rich Young Ruler in The Gospel of Mark 10, is forever NAMELESS. Unlike Peter, Paul and John, he had no NAME recorded in The Eternal Gospel. Exactly like Jesus' Warnings to many ~ "Depart from Me you workers of iniquity, for I have never KNOWN you," the wealthy young ruler too, WENT AWAY! God CAN & DOES entrust some of His servants with monetary wealth. What's that distinction? "Then Jesus beholding him loved him,...." ~Mark 10:21 Many believe that "claiming" a promise of God, through verbal-repetition of a precept, guarantees some end-result. There was a rich young ruler that came to Christ in great zeal. He even ran unto Jesus, and publicly knelt before Him. He exclaimed in earnestness a ferverent desire, in asking "what shall I do to inherit eternal life? He declared that he had observed all of the outward commandments. Then Jesus "beholding him," looked deeply through his soul and manner of living. Jesus beheld his zeal and knew his due diligence. Jesus welled up with compassion and felt deep love for this young person. The Word is full with many Scriptures that declare that if we keep His Words- His Commandments, THEN we in actuality do love God. Here, Jesus beheld the Love of the Father for this man. He felt deep love & understood as to why this young man had been chosen to meet Christ on the way. Such genuine favor came not by profession, but by sincerity of heart, exhibited in his actions. Here we see the love and favor and also a great breech as well. Although the man had outward zeal AND lived his beliefs AND had found favor in the sight of God; he missed the mark and turned back from God! Jesus beholding him, looking through him, knew that the WORLD had a great hold on him and that he held tight to his world's comforts. That WORLD-HOLD strangles the LIFE of God out of MANY of His precious children! That WORLD-hold can be a religion, a movement, or ANYTHING that substitutes the Holy Spirit's Voice of Conviction! Jesus Spoke that he lacked ONE thing! Jesus Spoke for him to depart his materialistic mindset, and to forsake it for eternal reality! The man literally grieved! He was overcome with sadness and turned back away from God! In this testimony, money had been his god! Jesus today beholds MANY, many who exhaustively spend their time in ferverency in occupying themselves in godly service. Some have titles in the church, even that of apostles and bishops. MANY have a god of desiring a companion in the flesh with such desire that it has become their god! MANY desire a name for themselves, and have become their own god. While the rich young ruler HELD to mammon he literally DESPISED Christ in the Actuality of how He truly is!!!! This young man was RUINED! What he mostly LOVED temporarily, would be his eternal shame for all time, for all eternity!! IT IS WHAT OUR CONFIDENCE IS IN, THAT POSSESSES US! Many people today- claim "No Master's! No Rulers!"- while they bow to Master's of their own makings!! The prosperity of fools destroys them! Such "prosperity" can be socialization, ego, and infinite other things of this life! BUT THE ONE WHO ENDURES TO THE END SHALL BE SAVED! ~~ Mark 10:17-27 "THEN come, follow Me." "That we might be made the righteousness of God in Him."- 2 Corinthians 5:21 It's relinquishing all pretense of being anything, and all claim to being worthy of God's consideration! It cannot be a foundation of a pet-doctrine or belief, {EXACTLY LIKE THE RICH YOUNG RULER}-- We CANNOT claim that our spirituality is our righteousness! God seeks that we understand what His Conviction of sin REALLY is by His Holy Spirit! When real Conviction of sin by The Holy Spirit comes, He gives us an understanding of the depths of our personality that we are otherwise not conscious of. He reveals who we really are in God Sight- so that He can bring in the revelation that God will fill us with His own Nature! The Holy Spirit discerns where our treasures REALLY are, by what we esteem in our trust, and how JESUS must become that Devoted-Love Himself. Absence of JOY is often where we are desperately wise in our own conceits. It's always the sin of PRIDE behind ALL errors of beliefs! It's the conceit that we continually self-justify that Jesus didn't mean what He said, spiritualizing HIS meaning into the thin air! "Go your ways; I send you forth as lambs among wolves." Luke 10:3 That wolf-spirit remains in MANY of God's children. "Wolves"- religious and controlling spirits! {On the way to driving to school this morning, Luke asked why someone is "SO CONTROLLING?" I shared that the Bible reveals that wherever a person is submitted to a religious-spirit, rather than to The Holy Spirit Himself, that those people will be CONTROLLING exactly like the spirits that control them!} MANY who began like lambs, are morphing into wolves! We live amidst a treacherous time of GREAT OFFENSES! MANY who began well, are WALKING AWAY exactly like the rich young ruler! It's all the SAME THING. The only Way to receive of Christ and partake of His JOY and His Promises, is to obey His Words to become a living-sacrifice, where His Spirit can cleanse us daily and burn out of us all self-propensities! MANY retort backwards in looking back to family members and the ways of posterity. So often NOSTALGIA is from the devil! Jesus offers us POWER to BECOME the sons of God specifically in the realization that we are NOT born of flesh, we are NOT born by bloods, we ARE BORN OF GOD! GOD ALONE MUST BE ALL THAT WE IDENTIFY WITH, IF WE ARE GOING TO GO ON WITH HIS HOLY SPIRIT‼️ It is THE LAMB OF GOD Who takes away and forgives our sins of this world! Only as He alone rules in us and over us, we are sheep of His fold! The rich young ruler had a passion as a perfectionist. He wanted to be like Jesus! The EXTERNALISM and outward observations of a person are NOT our reality of Salvation! Jesus Christ puts absolute ANNIHILATION of my right to myself and true-IDENTIFICATION WITH HIMSELF IN RELATIONSHIP! To truly COME TO HIM, means we will "hate" all of our own lives and propensities in the reality of LOVING CHRIST FOREMOST and ABOVE ALL! It is ALL about unconditional IDENTIFICATION WITH JESUS CHRIST and LIVING HIS LIFE NOW! That abandonment unto Jesus Christ, is where we truly meet His Holy Spirit! It's where His Kingdom Comes to be alive to us in "Joy! Peace! Power! Righteousness!" Jesus can, and He will, walk us through our "impossible" stumbling-blocks, but He MUST have this whole HEART-ALLEGIANCE where He can BEGIN within us!! A DIFFERENT nature will control our lives, that does not produce any JOY from Heaven, until we deal with relinquishing our SELF to God in deliberate surrender of ALL that doesn't IDENTIFY with Jesus Christ! Most often, what we identify with LOOKS spiritual or religious! That's Satan's game! The Destroyer will ever TEMPT us to be held to somethings that SEEM pious and that APPEAR to be godly, but that DENY HIS SANCTIFYING POWER! It is ever some of His own, who become "wolves!" We are only sheep of His fold who partake in His Joy and in His Promises when His-Nature to LOVE abides within us by His Way. Those who do believe in the Words that proceed from God's Mouth, are most tempted not to do wrong things, but rather to abandon and to lose What God has put into us by regeneration / rebirth! {The Words of Christ!}. The devil would seek to make each of us to be of no value to God or to His Kingdom! We MUST understand that the devil attacks us in the same way that he attacked our Lord!-- We witness in Matthew 4 those attacks against every area of His precious life. They were ALL the temptation- TO DO GOD'S WILL, BUT IN OUR OWN WAY‼️ Being KNOWN and Beloved of Heaven ~ is in revering and keeping Christ' Words. ""For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? Matthew 16:26💞