ALRIGHT Y'ALL MADE ME DO IT!!!
My unpopular tig/tgg opinions!!
FIRST!
These are MY opinions and i'm allowed to have my own thoughts on certian things, just as you are, okay..? Just wanna..get this out of way, i know everyone is respectful in this fandombut still.
1. this is something that should NOT be an upopular opinion. AVERY IS THE MAIN CHARACTER FOR A REASON. okay? She is a girlboss, and she needs more appretiation, cus literally search up tig on tt rn. Everybody and their cat named Stewie is talking about Grayson and Jameson? WHAT ABOUT MY MG AVERY? And if you see any post about her, it's probably a hate vid about how Avery should've kept the money...SHUT UP. Read what she said carefully..."no one deserves that kind of power.." and then think about it deeply.
2. I DO NOT WANT TIG TO TURN INTO A TV SERIES (or even a movie). i can't name all the reasons 'cus then the the list would be endless. First of all, i know, I JUST KNOW, they'll choose the worst cast ever. And even if they find the most accurate cast for the Hawthorne brother i will still be dissapointed, because the images of them i have in my head...THEY'LL NEVER TOP EM. second of all, they will leave out important moments, just as simple as it sounds, and trust me they will, just like they do with most of the live adaptations of books. Third of all, SHIP WARS!!! I phisically can't with ship war, like I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF EM IN THE PAST WHEN THE BOOKS WERE STILL COMING OUT. And just the thought of Averygrayson shipper saying "yeah Avery and jameson were endgame in the books but they might change it in the movie..." GIVES ME NIGHTMARES. and overall, not everything needs a live adaptation yk? sometimes things just have to stay the way they are.
3. ...this is a bit contrevertial.and i don't want to sound like a hater since i've said this a multiple times before but Rohan's pov was my least favourite in the grandest games. Purely bcs whatever Savannah and Rohan had going on...don't get me wrong, i like Savannah (even tho she did and said some fucked up things) and Rohan, SEPERATLY. But them being together...idk man, they were too..."booktokish" for my liking, yk? and i do love banter and teasing, but they were like basic "i like you but i like winning more" "couple". Not to mention they were so random...like where did they come from? I remember when we first saw Sav and Rohan having the same symbols on their cards i was very excited, i expected a different dynamic between them...PLUS THE WHOLE GAME THEY JUST WANTED TO FUCK๐
4. Hating Alisa Ortega and loving Grayson Hawthorne is CRAZYYY, and i'm saying this bcs they're pretty similar in different ways. And the thing is people are mad at Alisa for "saying mean words to Libby" (she was literally doing her job, you would understand if you were at her place) MEANWHILE GRAYSON LITERALLY THREATENED A HEIRESS! (sayin this as a Gray stan) *sigh* y'all are something else๐คฆ๐ปโโ๏ธ.
5. Ohh...this one is risky...BUT CAN Y'ALL STOP ACTING LIKE JAMESON IS BLAMELESS?? all i see is Grayson slander, AND I UNDERSTAND, he fucked up, but saying "Jameson was so much better than Grayson" is a lie, at least for me. (He was better for Avery tho) he fs made mistakes that fandoms chooses to ignore. Like lets not act like treating Avery like a toy wasn't wrong. Lets not act like him blaming Grayson for everything wasn't wrong. Let's not act like him reminding Grayson of Emily's death wasn't wrong. And i know that later on both him and Grayson had a great character development, but still, i've never seen anyone talk about this.
6. This isn't about tig. But LIKING JLBS WORK AND BEING HER FAN DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE GLAZING HER๐ (talking about an argument i had a while ago...) like is it so hard for your brain to understand that it's called having an opinion. Idc if it's JLB or any other author, okay? Like i've read almost every Jlb's books and i love them, AND i also publicly talk about how much iblove her work, does that mean i'm glazing her? UHM NO WTF๐.
7. LET. PEOPLE. HAVE. PREFRENCE. (I'm talking about ships btw) . Someone prefers LyraGray over Averyjameson, and that's okay. Someone loves Averyjameson the most, and that's also okay, someone likes Libbynash more then Xandermax, AND THAT IS ALSO OKAY.
I'll probably do part 2, i have more to say i'm just really tired rn.
Also it's not proof read so sorry if there are many mistakes.
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When I watched My Pride I always thought Feather was just Nothing's step-brother
Makes sense, son of her step-father, that's her step-brother
But then I watched your review on it and yall kept calling him her cousin and I went???? No that's her step brother
Until I realized, no he IS also her cousin, her mom and his mom are sisters AND I DIDNT KNOW
They did SUCH a bad job with establishing basic character relationships that I didn't know that Powerstrike and Waterhunter were sisters.
HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT THERE AREN'T MANY ADULTS IN THE PRIDE AFTER SHARPTONGUE DIES
Powerstrike and Waterhunter literally never interact it's hard to tell if they even know each other????
Like in IHS you can instantly tell the relationships between Clever, Careful, and Vicious and you can tell they're sisters because omfg they actually talk and interact like they know each other!!!๐ซจ๐ซจ๐ซจ
Like you don't even need to make Waterhunter speak but just let her interact with ANYONE????
She feels like a such an outsider you can hardly tell that Nothing, our main character who she lived with and who grew up with her around, EVEN KNOWS WHO SHE IS
lmao yeah, we've got a lot of comments that are all 'you keep calling Feather her cousin when he's not, he's her little brother: this just proves you didn't watch the show properly and your whole argument is void!' and we're just there snickering because we know...
In some twisted way, nobody knows the ins and outs of this show like we do. We didn't study it for six months without dotting the i's and crossing the t's. We didn't ask for this. We could've become well versed in French or some shit but instead we became experts in My Pride lore. It's a curse. lolol
The only thing I think I messed up was calling Kyoga a 'god' once or twice but, in my absolute defence, she did transform into a literal god at one point so I don't know what the hell else I was supposed to call her. lol
But the weird thing about Waterhunter is that she was actually supposed to have lines and she did have a VA. The lines were just cut for whatever reason. I'm willing to suspect that Tribble probably found the notion of having a voiceless character quite funny but it just made her a big ol' waste of space. A lot of nonsensical things seem to happen just so Tribble could have her weird inside jokes (i.e. Nothing have that weird ass steak thing on her face, Feather randomly disappearing in the middle of the Nothing vs. Fire battle).
A lot of characters could've been combined here. Powerstrike and Waterhunter. Farleap and Feather. Maybe even Silentstalk combined with them two for good measure. There was also no reason for Quickmane and Proudmane to be separate characters either.
But thank you so much, anon. I think another thing that helps is that Cat also designed the three sisters to actually look related too. Powerstrike and Waterhunter not only do not remotely resemble each other but neither of them resemble their mother either. Which is weird because I don't recall Cow of the Wild having this issue. - RJ
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G o d. All gekkos' outertale posting makes me wanna talk more in depth about the characterisation and plot issues in this game and why they bother me...
(readmore bc holy fuck this got long, it's probably like 5k words. It's also pretty much all salt, categorised by character)
Toriel
Why. Why is she like this. Kinda feels like the creator of the game hates her and if they don't, they have a weird way of showing it. She's treated as overdramatic and unjustified in her anger at asgore despite the fact that he DID declare war on humanity and he DID willingly let the people believe he was killing human children to harvest their souls. Even if he didn't do it for real in this game, she has every right to be angry and to not trust him, and it CERTAINLY doesn't make her undeserving to be a mother or whatever. Idk about you, but I don't think wanting kids to stay away from a man yelling about wanting to kill every child that crosses him makes you a bad parent, even if it turns out he didn't really hurt anyone y'know?
They also REALLY zoned in on 'mother' with her in a way that doesn't really make sense here. I could maybe see her feeling guilty for making a snap judgement but how would that call her motherhood into question?
Sans saying isolation messed with her makes no sense too!!!! The outerlands or whatever they called the ruins isn't sealed off in this game, other monsters seem way less intimidated by her in this game than in undertale (she has friends! She knows sans by name and goes to napstablook's shows and even has their phone number!), and we outright get told she takes the taxi to get her groceries... Meaning she headed off to the rest of the outpost and probably does that often enough.
All things considered, Toriel seems fairly well adjusted in outertale, at least by outertale standards. Kinda then makes it feel like everyone's just trying to convince her she's hysterical and that... Sucks.
Also the fact that they added an ending where you stay with her and framed it as a bad ending that doomed everyone is... Really mean? It sucked ass I'm sorry :/
Sans
... Why is he like this. This take on Sans is absolutely infuriating tbh. The only positive I really have here is that his puns are kinda good, I've seen fangames that fuck up this element massively and it was kinda fun to see his interactions in starton.
Okay, back to salt. His whole 'i became a sentry to help humans' thing is trash. He didn't care about that in ut! He didn't care about that at all! The only reason he looks out for frisk is because he made a promise to toriel, and he hates breaking promises. He didn't want to let down his friend.
...Huh. realising this is yet another case of Toriel disrespect somehow. Yet another thing they took from her, that they then just... Handed over to sans instead. :/
His lack of backstory. Look, I get wanting something silly, but they took almost everything that makes sans interesting away. Not hyperfocusing on sans like certain aus do is nice, but it feels like in a lot of situations in this game they overcompensated by a long shot.
No mysterious past/origins. We know he worked with alphys I guess but???? Honestly I have a LOT to rant about for that part so I'll leave it for twinkly's section. And yet despite all this, Sans inexplicably bleeds in tpe when not even undertale has that happen? Make up your mind!
His role in non Asriel chaotic also... Sucks ass. I'm in a pretty awesome corner of the fandom in terms of the people I follow and the takes I see as a result, so if I'm honest, when I saw all those posts about 2024 fanon sans being indifferent to his brother's murder, I kinda just figured they were vaguing about this game. You're telling me that sans of all people just shrugs off you killing everyone and complains a little bit before letting you pass?! He should know alphys already ran off. He should know the only person left to stop you is asgore, and that it's obvious he won't. Part of this could be connected to how frisk is written perhaps, and much like the twinkly situation, I'll have much more to say on that further down.
I understand the creator didn't wanna have a sans fight in their game - however, if that's the case... Maybe come up with a reason for him to NOT show up in the last corridor, then? Have him busy helping with evacuations or something, or already dead like in the first chaotic ending... This was just sloppy.
Papyrus
Honestly he wasn't... Terrible. The phonecalls were fun even if most were cheap references (though they can be fun in fangames sometimes so I'm not mad at this lol). Him being extremely talented at making spaghetti is just one symptom of one of this game's biggest flaws, however. I really don't like how nobody's really allowed to be bad at anything or have any real struggles in this game - especially when spaghetti in undertale is used to demonstrate his relationship with undyne and the similar wavelength they're on when humans aren't involved. She's the one who started teaching him to cook it, it's deeply intertwined with his desire to be a royal guard, and it's something they suck at together. Him just inexplicably being good at it is... Weird, and feels really disconnected from their friendship and her reluctance to let him in the guard yknow?
Also: his boss final phase. Having the dog NOT take his special attack away this time was really funny admittedly but... Idk? Not only is the fight really unfair for pacifist/neutral and those who aren't as good at the game (ut never gets this hard outside of geno), it feels way too on the nose in terms of insisting he's strong and has powerful attacks. Undertale didn't need to overcompensate to get across that papyrus is strong and disciplined and the way you have to infer that in undertale is way cooler. I might just be nitpicking with this point tbh but it's whatever. Letting myself be a hater for once.
And don't get me started on him getting together with Mettaton. It seemed to come out of absolutely nowhere, the idea that they were already friends in this was glossed over really quickly and no time was really put into developing the relationship save for papyrus commenting on finding him attractive every few minutes.
Gotta be honest, I've never been a fan of this ship nor understood its popularity. Papyrus very briefly mentions thinking he's attractive in undertale, but it doesn't really go anywhere and I'm not even sure mettaton knows he exists. It feels like it was just kinda added because it's a popular ship and that's it, not sure it really contributes much to either of their arcs. It was a light-hearted celebrity crush in canon and never really tried to be more.
Oh, oops. Had more to say here than I thought.
Undyne
Not much to say here... I think she was okay, there's nothing super bad with her. I do think the way gerson kinda downplays her/lacks faith in her in the chaotic route kinda sucks and I think choosing to make her non-undying chaotic bossfight harder sure was A Choice, but it's whatever. Undying was weirdly easy in a way that didn't do her much justice. Honestly they didn't do enough with her for me to have a wall of complaints and I can't tell if that's a good thing or not. Her relationship with alphys didn't really amount to much and her lack of understanding of human culture doesn't really hit as hard when she's just talking about random sci-fi things that we have no way of knowing are real or not in this game's idea of the 2600s ourselves, y'know? Her love of anime (that she mistakenly thinks is human history) is pretty absent here except to validate her relationship with alphys in a very shallow way.
The Ghost Family
Hoo boy... Was gonna make this the mettaton section, but I wanted to talk about napstablook at the same time, so I'm just gonna lump them all together.
What. What the hell was this plotline.
It feels like they tried to go for 'smalltime farmer chases passion for stardom after feeling unfulfilled at home' and as I've seen someone else say, 'shy business owner struggles to talk to their cousin outside of work'. This would've been fine tbh, but... There's a lot of things in the execution of this that kinda grossed me out if I'm honest. I don't think they were intentional, but I think it could've been thought through a lot better to avoid some unfortunate implications - or even lean into them in a respectful way.
Firstly, the ghost family intervention was pretty long, awkward, and didn't feel like it really added much - especially when most people playing would already know mettaton's backstory anyway (and his house is still accessible like in undertale!!!!! What was the point?)
Mettaton airing out his family issues on live TV feels very ooc - he keeps that stuff very close to his chest and I doubt he'd like it getting out. Him entertaining any of that out in the open seems... Weird.
Speaking of the intervention, his cousins' treatment of him was horrifying! Part of it seems intentional and it's nice that there's at least one part in the game where characters are allowed to have flaws and do bad things but... There's also elements that feel like you're meant to agree with them? Their insistence that mettaton just come home and everything they did in the past with constantly badgering him to come and help out on the farm were rightfully treated as something that hurt mettaton's feelings and that gave napstablook and the others pause. That's (mostly, we'll come back to it later) fine. He called them out for it and they reflected on it, cool. The way his ghost form was utilised makes me extremely uncomfortable, however.
Napstablook talks about hearing 'the real [mettaton]' in the recording, right to his face, 'the real mettaton' in this scenario alluding to his ghost form. Considering mettaton is a trans allegory, this feels... Kinda gross? In a similar vein, when passing mettaton's quiz barriers, one of the questions is 'what is mettaton's true identity' and you have the option to deadname him (using a name papyrus literally just made up in undertale rather than having any kind of creativity ofc) Alphys' reaction is simply to ask how you know that which... Doesn't feel great. The correct answer is 'mettaton' ofc thankfully, but everything around this particular plot point feels weird. Maybe don't do that w the most prevalent trans allegory character..?
And ofc, they keep insisting he just come home, go back to working on the farm, go back to his family... Idk, gives me vibes of someone abandoning their shitty transphobic family and then insisting they want to see 'the real [deadname] again' and for them to abandon their new life and just go back to the way things were before. Not good.
All of this would still be okay for the most part since the ghost family are painted as being unfair to mettaton... But in true pacifist, he goes back to helping out with the farm anyway and talks about how he thinks he was probably just being dramatic after all, and how 'blooky didn't do anything that bad'
... What?
It takes me right back to Toriel's treatment. Napstablook, Maddie and lurksalot gave no real thought to mettaton's feelings, made it all about them and showed pretty much no support for his transition nor his career! Fuck those guys! It's funny - mettaton is pretty consistently a pompous asshole (affectionate) in undertale but here, I think all his feelings towards his family were COMPLETELY valid. Mettaton outertale didn't do anything wrong.
Lurksalot didn't feel like they contributed much to the story either, save to be yet another character treating mettaton like shit with zero consequences nor narrative judgement. They just made every ghost family event even more drawn out.
And then ofc!!!! Mettaton and Alphys' friendship is so bland in this game! They're two people who kinda know each other and she says some nice things about him in a letter in chaotic but that's about it. Their friendship and the subsequent conflict frisk's arrival brings to it in undertale is the heart of hotland and the core, but here it's just replaced with unnecessary, hard to watch, boring family drama. The two of them have no issues to work out. She doesn't ask too much of him. There's no funny quips and barely any chemistry at all. God forbid either of them have any real flaws.
One last thing: I'm glad maddie gets her mew mew body, it's nice. Wish it was an on-screen moment or something alluded to more though. Some of that time dragging out the family drama could've been used on that instead, y'know? Especially with napstablook getting the mew mew doll... Genuinely thought they were gonna show it to her when they first got hold of it, rather than dragging Frisk into their intervention. She should've gotten to be more mad, too. Kinda a big part of her identity.
Oh, and mettaton's no-asriel chaotic fight was bullshit. It was a nice spamton reference and the first phase was cool, but the second was utter bullshit and dragged out the fight way too long. Attacking him after snapping all the wires should've killed him im sorry. It's even more of a shame bc I genuinely really liked this game's mettaton neo fight - it was fun and creative and felt possible.
Holding myself back from adding any more to this bc I could go on and on, ugh.
Alphys
Alphys. For a game that tries to make her the star of it, it's actually kinda impressive how much they managed to take away from her and just how uninteresting she is in this game.
At the surface level she's awesome, powerful, and the star of the show. In my first playthrough I was actually pretty happy to see her thriving like this! The more routes I played and the more I thought about it though they just kinda... Declawed her. Took away all her flaws. Made her 'perfect' in a way that I don't think works at all.
The amalgamates never happened. None of her experiments went wrong. She never hid away from her mistakes, or lied to anyone (save for keeping Asgore's secret, which she has no negative feelings about), nor did she over engineer any situations to make herself seem cooler. She doesn't argue with Mettaton! She's confident and assertive! She's Asgore's right hand woman and next in line for the throne! And ofc, the badass final boss! What's not to love?
...But none of this is Alphys, is it?
Her anxiety isnt just because of the determination experiments, it's pretty clear she's always been a pretty shy and nervous person. In fact, based on her entries they were one of the things she was more confident in before it all went wrong. People are hard, but she knows science, y'know?
She doesn't get to be flawed or interesting - despite her presence, she's just a generic cool scientist who's suave with the ladies, I guess..?
She isn't particularly dorky, shes overly confident, she has zero issues to work through. Her relationship with undyne is perfect (derogatory) and her infodumping about anime just before the archive feels very forced, like they remembered last minute that she does that and thought it should be included somehow.
Depicting what she'd be like in a scenario where the determination experiments never happened is a fun and interesting idea! But deltarune demonstrates how to do that well, and I think they completely missed the mark. The way she talks, her body language, the way she acts around others in general... These things are universal constants and yet in outertale, she's basically a different person entirely.
Outertale alphys isn't allowed to lie (save to cover for asgore Secretly Being A Good Person), she isn't allowed to miscalculate, she isn't allowed to mis-speak or make mistakes or do anything she'd regret. She feels like an alphys written by someone who hates her in canon and thinks all her flaws make her terrible and unlikable. I doubt this is the case since I don't think a person like that would've given her such prevalence, but that's the level of love and attention I feel was given to her writing here. It makes me sad.
And, of course... The DT experiments and her fight.
... Why did she have vials of determination if all the humans are alive? Did she take it from them? If so, was this before or after they went into stasis? We know she's not been the royal scientist for long in relation to how long humans have been falling, so did ROMAN take the determination? How much of this did she even DO?
Why did she and sans even DO anything with determination? It... Doesn't really make sense.
Speaking of determination, why did she melt at the end of her fight? I'd assume she's injected herself with determination as one of the vials in her lab is mentioned to be partially used, but I'm pretty sure it's also like this on pacifist. Was that overlooked? Are we just meant to assume it's MORE depleted? Does she just have natural determination now because She's So Cool And Badass? This isn't even really a complaint about the fight, more just how poorly that part of her lab is handled lmao
But getting into her fight... Idk, it didn't really feel like her. A lot of it was just random bullshit that was hard for the sake of being hard, that didn't really seem to be tied to her identity very well at all. People complain a lot about the Zenith Martlet fight in undertale yellow but that's done far better than this, imo. It clearly reflects martlet's character, personality and canonical bullet patterns (we see Alphys' in ut tpe!), there's a genuine feeling of progression in the fight and the act you're given to help with the fight feels more effective - you can still damage her on her turn, so taking a turn to heal act doesn't feel like a waste. The Asriel acts though... They just don't last long enough to feel that worth it? Sure they're okay, but in general, you get a lot less time to breathe. Martlet's fight lets you retry from phase 2 if you die. Sans' in undertale gives you as many turns as you need to heal while he's sparing you. Alphys' fight just feels like it's made to feel un-fun and painful throughout in a way that just isn't worth it, and doesn't really feel like it fits her personality either, y'know? The fight was just a slog and like many others, I had zero motivation to finish it legit. I don't think it helps that the undyne and mettaton fights in this route are fairly easy and simple in comparison.
Tldr: they took away everything that makes alphys endearing, fun and interesting. This isn't alphys at all.
Asgore
A huge chunk of this essay accidentally got deleted, including my first attempt at writing this section. In it, I mentioned that the Asgore apologism went way too far.
This time though, I don't think I'd even call it that. Reflecting on it, it feels less like an attempt to defend him and more like a way to hate on and spite Toriel.
Seriously. So much of his character basically just feels like someone going 'fuck you toriel. I'm giving EVERYTHING to asgore.'
It's... Really weird?
Asgore having a way out of killing humans is an interesting concept! Outertale takes place 500 years in the future compared to undertale, so the idea that they have the resources and technology to do that is kinda cool and in theory, exploring this idea sounds really fun. In practice though, it feels like it was mostly done to make Toriel out to be an asshole for no reason and to laugh at her for ever assuming he would've really killed anyone (despite... Y'know. Telling everyone that's what he was doing.)
He just. Completely moved on from Toriel without a second thought seemingly, and doesn't even look that affected by seeing her turn up again - meanwhile SHE'S got crumpled up tea recipes in the trash and all the Sad Divorced Energy - it doesn't really fit either of them! Toriel wasn't really given a reason to miss him like that, and I think even if he DID fully move on, he'd be way happier to see her than that.
All his leading statements on how she must feel in LV1 pacifist sucked ass also, especially with the way she kinda just agreed that yeah, she feels like shit for not trusting that he'd suddenly do a 180 and not hurt anyone (AGAIN. AFTER HE CONTINUED TO LET EVERYONE BELIEVE THIS) and that she must feel unworthy of being a mother. She hadn't even said half of this in front of him yet! He put words in her mouth! That in itself would be fine (social blunders are pretty normal for asgore after all) but it... Wasn't treated like that. It was handled as if this was a sweet and compassionate thing for him to say which... Yikes.
And ofc he gets to adopt frisk, and monster kid, and get to have Asriel live with him! His fatherhood is never called to question in undertale, but ofc Toriel's motherhood has to be here. Hell, despite their divorced status, if you talk to gerson in tpe it's highly implied frisk asks if asgore would start aging again if he became their dad! Idk, all of this part just reeked of Toriel hate and nothing more. Asgore is just yet another character to get sanded down and de-clawed and it sucks. So much of what makes him interesting is his mistakes and flaws and how they impact him, y'know?
Twinkly
I wanna start this by saying I don't think his writing is too bad. It's not amazing by any means but by outertale standards, he's one of the better written characters. That being said, Flowey is my favourite character of all time so I'm still gonna be critical.
So they did save the goat. Save the goat aus really aren't my thing nowadays - I feel like so often people act like he's a separate person to Flowey entirely and act like the alarm clock app dialogue doesn't exist. Asriel didn't end the story as a doomed tragedy fated to fade away! Flowey ended the story as someone who finally got closure on the loss of his best friend, and can finally learn to move on, even if it takes him a while to adjust. I don't think he needs to be a goat again for that.
That being said, I know these kinda aus are a big wish fulfilment thing for a lot of the fandom that aren't even necessarily something people want to be canon as much as they just wanna explore the idea and see him truly happy, so I won't judge that element too harshly. People are allowed to have fun, and I think save the goat can be fine if it respects him as flowey rather than separating them.
I really like that they allow Asriel to be fucked up and an asshole rather than him soft rebooting into some Sweet Perfect Little Prince once he returns to his old form, like so many other save the goat takes. Even in lv0's ending he struggles to bite back insults and mean comments aimed at Monster Kid which is... Admittedly kinda refreshing! There's definitely some flowey (or I guess in this case, twinkly) behaviour that still comes through here and I'm glad. This carried over to chaotic, too. While his characterisation wasn't perfect, this at least felt like twinkly obtaining a few form and continuing to play with the world, rather than your standard Asriel take. I also really liked that he remembers and acknowledges chaotic if done before pacifist, that was neat and adds to his character (as far as this game goes) I think.
However, onto the biggest, glaring issue I have with him.
Why. Why does he exist.
No, seriously.
In its attempt to make the world perfect, a world that blatantly only exists so the creator could make a save the goat ending, mind, there's no reason for the goat to need to be saved at all. Nor for him to exist after dying back when Chara lived with the dreemurrs.
Asgore isn't killing humans, so the souls don't need to be absorbed by anyone. Frisk can just enter the archive and lend their power to destroy the forcefield themselves, so there's no ultimatum like there is in undertale - there's no implied tradeoff of Frisk's life for the freedom of monsters without twinkly's intervention. In undertale, flowey's messing around opened up an ending that would've otherwise been impossible, something that worked for everyone.
Without him existing at all here, frisk could've broken the barrier just fine. All it really added to pacifist was a couple extra boss fights and asgore being dead for two minutes. And him being saved I guess but again, there's no real story justification for him being here EXCEPT to pat yourself on the back for saving him.
Why was he created? In undertale it's pretty clear - they wanted a vessel to hold all the souls in for now during the true lab experiments. He exists because Alphys selected the first flower to ever grow in the garden and injected it with determination that she extracted from the human souls.
... But all the humans are... Alive and well in outertale? They don't need a vessel to contain their souls. They don't need to extract any determination from anyone. Again, why do they HAVE vials of determination? And why did she inject one into a flower?
AND THAT'S THE OTHER BIG THING. It's established she and sans injected a starling flower for... Whatever reason. SO WHY THE HELL IS TWINKLY A CARTOON STAR?!
This point makes absolutely no sense at all. He looks absolutely nothing like a starling flower nor does he behave like a flower at all, which is confusing if that's what he started as. Honestly, I think it would've made more sense to just keep him as Flowey if they were gonna include him at all, and just have his appearance reflect a starling flower instead of a golden flower.
This applies to his fight too. Mechanically I think it's AWESOME, but the visuals are... Just very very boring. A huge part of why his fight in the original is so good it's the bizarre and chaotic nature of it, the horror elements, and the way so much of flowey's trauma in terms of how he was created and the things he finds scary was put on blast for all to see. The combination of mechanical and organic elements, all the plants and insects... Idk, just going 'hmm he's a star. Let's have him go through a star life cycle' is boring, there's no visual appeal.
If his creation is so vague and wishy washy, this would've been a great opportunity to flesh it out more. How was he created? What kinds of technology and machinery did alphys use to put all this together? How did she (or roman????? unclear) get the determination? What does twinkly remember?
That leads me onto a tangentially related topic - his trauma. I... Don't think this was shown very well. He talks a bit about BEING traumatised from the lab, but telling isn't the same as showing and canon flowey is terrible at hiding it, whereas I'd just as easily believe outertale Asriel made it up for sympathy points. He never really projects, he doesn't force anyone else to experience anything like he did, nothing like that. He's just a cocky asshole who likes killing, and who eventually decides to start being nice.
This game constantly seemed to be speedrunning ways to get him from being twinkly to being Asriel as quickly as possible in almost every single route which... Huh???? It's weird. Would've been nice to let him be a star more rather than just Asriel...
(final amendment bc I lost a huge chunk of this essay originally and had to rewrite it, and I'm realising I didn't manage to fit this in this time... How does a single monster soul let him get his Asriel form again? Sure he's still treated as if soulless and it doesn't make him a good person, but if he was 'so tired of being a star', why hadn't he tried doing this sooner? It makes no sense...)
For a game that exists to give him a good ending, it's so ironic how little he needs to exist at all in this world. Just goes to show what it looks like when you go too far with 'fixing' things or removing stuff you seem 'too problematic' for the sake of being wholesome or whatever.
Chara
Speaking of which... Look I'm just gonna say it. This version of Chara sucks so bad.
Chara is one of my favourite characters - they're really interesting, morally grey, and a fascinating way for undertale as a game to interface with us as players.
They're a child who likely saw the worst of humanity, then found themselves in a home with family who genuinely loved them once they fell down and met the monsters. Their intense saviour complex made them feel like the best way to help their family was to sacrifice their own life to get enough souls to break them free (and once they realised they had control, get payback against the humans while they were at it). They could be mean-spirited and a prankster. They valued efficiency HIGHLY. Their favourite number was nine because it's the limit, the absolute, a way to stop hurting and to stop others hurting.
And by doing geno, you can push this fixation on stats further. Max out all your stats. Gain power. Get stronger. Become invincible. Nobody can hurt any more if the world is gone. And ofc, they stand as the final arbiter of consequences for the player. Your punishment for killing everyone and for pushing them into believing it needs to be completed. Chara both IS is and is separate from us in a way that can't really be fully disentangled and it's really, really cool.
Anyway, enough gushing about undertale Chara. What's outertale Chara in comparison?
... Nothing.
They're nothing.
Outertale Chara narrates occasionally. They're a ghost that follows frisk around, but aren't confined to that, and have been actively wandering the underground since their death. They also still have a SOUL for some reason? This part doesn't really make sense at all.
Other than sacrificing themself and maybe wanting to take out a few humans after Asriel absorbs them, they don't do anything that could be considered bad ever. The most devious thing they ever do is snatch Asriel's diary to leave a silly comment in there when they first arrive at the outpost (sans does this with Toriel's phone in undertale tpe for comparison lmao). Despite what Asriel seems to believe, Chara is completely absent from the chaotic route - never getting corrupted, never caring about our stats, never wanting to hurt anyone, never even trying to make us face any consequences. They're just... Not here. For a character so prevalent in the murder based route of undertale this is fucking wild.
They all but vanish if you so much as say something slightly mean to someone, too! It's strange, makes no sense, and just like with sans, it feels like they overcompensated waaaaaaay too much for the people who insist they're evil. On top of that, if you do chaotic before lv0, they don't even remember chaotic happening! They'd may as well have just been a member of the ghost family who likes following Frisk around when they're especially nice. Like Asgore and alphys, they've been sanded down and de-clawed to be 'wholesome' and 'perfect', and it just results in a bland, boring character who loses anything that made them interesting, nuanced and fun.
'Chara wasn't the greatest person'... Why, though? They don't have enough substance in this game for that line to really have as much impact.
Frisk
I'm gonna be honest - I actually ADORED their frisk at first, and I think that's because I started with a neutral run and ended up drawing them a lot. They felt silly and mischievous and interesting, and this continued into chaotic. They seem pretty chill with what's going on but then take that even further by being hilariously affectionate with Asriel and still doing silly things like being up for picking up the electrodampening fluid or drinking directly out of the fountain. They felt like a funny little mini-kris (save for being okay with all the murder ofc).
Then uhhhhhhh... That's when I experienced the second chaotic ending, the one without Asriel, as well as lv0. I feel like they definitely DID try to lean on the Kris angle on purpose in terms of their feelings on being controlled and stuff but it???? Just doesn't work very well? There's no ambiguity to this version of frisk once you've seen all the routes. Just like EVERYONE ELSE, they're just a perfect little angel who would never do anything wrong and anything past lv0 is just the eeeeeevil player influence or whatever. Come on, we have deltarune for that kinda approach to control ๐ญ (though even then, Kris is a layered and interesting character who isn't goodness and innocence personalised, and that's why they're cool)
In undertale, we have no idea what frisk is like as a person. WOULD they spare everyone without our influence? Would they kill? Would they be a scared child lashing out in self defense? Would they run from everything, then give up and let themselves die permanently somewhere? We just don't know! We're not supposed to know! It feels like it went back to the very early fandom interpretation where frisk is Good And Sweet and Innocent while Chara is evil incarnate - except this time they're BOTH the former.
It's a contradiction too! Why in the Asriel chaotic route are they so down to follow him, and pet him, and hug him every chance they get if they don't like all the stuff we're making them so? The player has no influence over Twinkly. Every single thing he did, he chose to do, and yet even if the only time frisk has seen him was him destroying their mercy button and forcing them to kill for him, they seem to love him to pieces and go along with whatever he says happily. What.
I feel like they didn't know what to do with Frisk here at all and it shows.
Other characters
This has been ridiculously long, but to quickly go over non-major characters... They did very few things to make Roman seem interesting, the amount of stuff hes implied to have helped Asgore with just reduces even further any influence or impact alphys had, and (a smaller nitpick)... Why didn't he use times new roman as a font when we DID see him speak in the archive/on the signal stars? It's such a missed opportunity...
Burgerpants was fun... Kinda. Developing him like this feels like something that should've happened DURING the actual game rather than before it though because it made him feel like a whole other person entirely? The poisoned food was very funny though.
Why is Snowy now Stardrake when his dad hasn't changed at all and Crystal looks like any other snowdrake? That was bizarre.
I actually really liked the humans! Establishing them as actual characters was really fun, and I especially like justice. Justice, at least in my opinion, is probably the most interesting character in this whole game tbh - someone who tried to do good but ultimately caused more harm than good, while NOT downplaying it, showing the consequences directly, and showing them work to try to make things better. The way we don't grab their item like the others in the twinkly fight nor go through an area for them in the archive (and just talk to them instead) really adds to their intrigue - what are they like? Who did they know? Is there something they don't want us to see? How are they strong enough to not need us to grab their weapon at all to lend their help? I think it's get funny that the only character I'm fully praising is the clover-adjacent one. Justice outertale they could never make me hate you
(that being said... seeing the way this game is clearly just supposed to be a 'fix' for undertale does sour my thoughts on the humans a little. did they only do this bc they thought them NOT being full characters in ut was bad/a problem with it? ๐ฅด This applies to the additional monster kid story focus too).
Speaking of monster kid... Them being an orphan was clearly just a plot device to give asgore more kids and therefore feel like he won more than Toriel. Monster kid in undertale seems like they probably did have real and loving parents, and they have a sister too!!!! Would've been nice if they'd at least done something with their sister :(
This got... Way longer than I expected, so I'll stop here. But outertale definitely gave me an even bigger appreciation for other ut fangames. My gripes with deltatraveler section 3 feel much smaller in comparison now, if tsus misses the mark on Flowey later down the line they've at least already done most characters so much more justice, and it really puts into perspective all the heart and soul that went into kissy cutie, as well as its genuine love got the source material and characters.
Sorry outertale, you weren't for me. That being said, if anyone disagrees with any of this then that's fine! These are all just my opinions and feelings on it after going through all the routes and talking about it with friends. Media is always gonna resonate with different people in different ways and that's a good thing! If your perspective on any of this is different and if you had way more fun with it, I'm glad you did and I genuinely wish I could've felt the same. I feel like at the very least, making it has probably been a great learning experience for the devs and I really hope they carry on making games and improving their skills. Hope y'all are thriving and having fun regardless ๐
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There'sย more,ย thereย isย alwaysย MOREย onย theย shouldersย ofย aย womanย whoย canย notย makeย aย PROPERย choice.ย Theย oneย whoย knowsย despiteย whatย sheย mayย do,ย theย cardsย willย alwaysย beย theย WORSTย theyย can,ย theย towerย isย herย futureย andย sheย LOOMSย inย anย eternalย stateย ofย everyoneย andย everythingย leavingย her.ย Conversationย canย oftenย bringย thisย backย toย herย MIND.ย
Whatย sheย FAILSย toย seeย isย howย oftenย sheย forgetsย toย HIDEย theseย thingsย withย herย face.ย Wellย versedย sociallyย sheย is,ย sheย forgetsย whatย herย faceย canย EMOTEย clearย sheย isย soย fullย ofย emotionย sheย willย BURSTย .ย Wineย liftedย toย herย lipsย asย heย speaksย beforeย shouldersย SHRUGGED.
ย โNotย allย ofย lifeย isย goodย &ย happy,ย DESPITEย whatย Iย mayย sayย oftenย theย tragediesย ofย lifeย areย whatย TAKEย OVERย myย thoughts.ย Iย apologize,ย thatย soundedโย aย lotย lessย horribleย inย myย head.โ
@sangore sent: " the look on your face says there's more on your mind . "
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do love how this is an asoiaf blog but i did not put either show in my top 10 this is the world we live in
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the brief mention that 1.3 leonard could still be feeling some deep lingering grief over his brothers' deaths still never fails to fascinate me tbh
like, does he think of the standards he must have lost since their passing and feel guilt? or does he see them in every child he abuses??? does he keep his grief to himself or does he find it a useful anecdote to what must be a countless number of families dealing with loss??? does the green dragon know? does he confide in it????? since leonard seems to be aware of what arioch lost to the union, just how aware is/was she in what HE lost???????? did they have a role in each other's loss? is THAT where their beef came from??????? im going to merge into a wall
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Hm /pos
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this week's episode was pretty set on confirming a few of our suspections were true like tianchen impersonating his sister and cheng xiaoshi being in lu guang's body at the end of the last episode. to me the thing i'm most curious about is tianchen's ability. is he actually red eyes? red eyes from last season could use their ability though photos but the tianchen we personally know controlls people through touch. having the ability to control multiple people (or two, specifically) simultaneously, which is something quite interesting. unless he can use his technique in two different ways, which we haven't seen any ability user do so far, this feels really odd and i'm starting to think the siblings having red eyes was simply a detail to throw us off?! maybe this doesn't make sense but you know how cxs has brown eyes but his eyes change colour while using his ability? why wouldn't tianchen's eyes change colour if he was the one possessing other people's bodies? and the way his eyes glow in the final scene with lu-guang... is that to show he's evil or is that a sign he's using his ability? but then how? because he was just talking to lu guang in his own body and lu guang wasn't under his influence, right? i'm very confused about him and his relationship with qian jin
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From hate to loveโฆ or something like that
Aegon II Targaryen x fem!reader
word count:ย 15.7k (sorrrryyyy)
warnings:ย arranged marriage, hate-to-love, mentions of rape, mentions of incest, mentions of suicidal thoughts, drinking alcohol, mommy issues, daddy issues, mentions of sex without love, unprotected sex, oral sex (f receiving), porn with plot (but something cheap, tbh) and I probably forgot something but I think that makes it clear that this shit is not for minors, so MINORS DNI :)
A/N: I started this since the second season premiere started so if you find any canon-like scenes I completely promise it wasn't intentional. I also want to make it clear that you are responsible for what you read and if you don't like something please just let it go, that would be very kind of you!
And this doesn't make me team green at all, I'm a defender of the rightful queen to the deathโฆ it's just that her brother is too sexy to ignore ๐ซฆ
Enjoy!
taglist (who I thought might be interested):ย @barcelonaloverf1life @ilovequeen978
FIRST ACT: HATE
Finding a wife for Prince Aegon II was probably one of the most difficult tasks Alicent Hightower had to face.
The engagement with his sister Helaena had been broken after a more tempting offer for the princess, which would get them a permanent alliance with the Lannister house that they couldnโt refuse. Viserys himself had agreed to accept and the queen consort had no choice but to give her little daughter in marriage to a blonde lord. The problem was that her son was left without a fiancรฉe.
Aemond didn't worry her, after all he was growing up quite quickly and she knew that he was more inclined to become a warrior than to fulfill his marital responsibilities. But Aegon, however, was a lost cause.
It was no secret that Alicent had always felt disappointed in her eldest son. He was careless, lazy, and a hopeless alcoholic, qualities that couldnโt be celebrated at all. Now that her beloved father had returned, the queen didnโt hesitate to consult him on the matter, hoping that the man had a solution for the problem that afflicted her, and together they analyzed what was the best option to unite the king's first-born son. Especially after, years ago, Rhaenyra and Daemon got married and moved to Dragonstone indefinitely.
โIt must be someone we completely trust, someone who cannot dare to hurt us because they know that their blood is linked to ours.โ
The Arryns were loyal to the future queen Rhaenyra and some of the houses south of Vale were too. The Westerlands was the richest section of the Seven Kingdoms and was already secured, so it seemed prudent to the king's hand to go for the next widest section: The Reach. The most formidable options within this area were the Hightower and the Tyrell. Obviously taking the first option would be a waste since the members of that house would support Aegon without complaint due to their kinship, so the decision was made with the direct heir of Highgarden.
King Viserys agreed to the idea without putting up many obstacles, since poppy milk clouded his judgment most of the time and also the affairs of his first son had never interested him much.
The union was sealed as soon as the deal was offered to Lyonel Tyrell, who was extremely happy to be able to assure his family a future with said marriage. It was thus that he gave you, his only daughter, to Prince Aegon II Targaryen.
And the second the boy saw you, he absolutely hated you.
He had come to the idea (very unpleasant, by the way) of marrying his younger sister and now that his mother was forcing him to marry a complete stranger, he couldn't be angrier. In a short time he would turn twenty and it seemed pathetic to him that at that point he would have to offer shows like those before the kingdom. Because the wedding wasnโt simple, of course, but thousands and thousands of guests were present at the banquet that Alicent forced the king to prepare, claiming by saying that he had done the same for Princess Rhaenyra's wedding.
โIt is a pleasure to finally see each other, your grace. They have told me a lot about youโ
You had said those precise words the first time you had met, when his mother organized a walk so that you could 'get to know each other better', although supervised by her own eyes that were behind you, making sure that her son didnโt commit any indecency. But no matter how sweetly you smiled and spoke them, Aegon could sense that you were lying.
There was hatred in your eyes and a clear resentment towards the life from which you were torn, as if it werenโt an honor to have the opportunity to marry the prince of the seven kingdoms. Your hypocritical words represented an insult to the boy and that is why he decided from the first moment that he would hate you deeply.
With your mere existence you would have deprived him of his freedom, his entertainment, his youth. He would be tied to you for future occasions, he would have to take you to all the events, secure your food, your clothes. share the same roof and pretend to be nice to you in the eyes of others. And, besides, he could have thought of a lot of candidates better than you, physically speaking. Your beauty was quite ordinary for his taste, as if he were looking at any painting; cheap and repetitive.
โI regret to admit that I am not so fortunate, Lady Tyrell. But I am happy for the union of our housesโ he lied, in the same way that you had done.
And it was obvious that this didnโt go unnoticed by you, that you had the same critical eye as your recent fiancรฉ but that you sought to maintain composure in the presence of your future mother-in-law.
On the wedding day Aegon had a good time only because he was able to drown himself in monumental quantities of liquor and because he was able to eat as much as he wanted of the exquisite banquet. He didn't even pay a bit of attention to how you looked in the wedding dress that the royal seamstresses had been in charge of making in record time, because when the time came he flattered you superficially and then ignored the matter. The ceremony kiss was the first you shared, and it was so fleeting and awkward that the prince felt disappointed. On the wedding night he was so drunk that he didn't even look at you.
You knew that the unfortunate day would come when you would have to carnally please the young man and the simple thought of being defiled in this way caused you terror and nausea in equal parts.
It was a stranger whom you had married, of whom the only thing you knew was his noble title and name.
In the days following your marriage, unfortunately or fortunately, Aegon didnโt even speak to you. You didn't have to share a room, so it was easier for him to completely ignore you while he went about his ways.
You had to admit that the only good thing about having taken this trip was the beautiful landscapes that King's Landing offered you. Your room had a direct view of Blackwater Bay and you spent several days looking out the window at the beautiful sea. Sometimes you could watch Prince Aemond ride his dragon, and honestly, the size of the beast scared you a little. You hadn't had the chance to observe Aegon in Sunfyre yet but if he was as impressive as Vhagar, then he would be quite a sight.
A week passed, then another and another where you were nothing more than a guest in the palace. You didn't talk to anyone, you ate dinner alone, you barely saw the outside of the castle. Sometimes you went to the Sept, pretending to pray, but really just killing the endless boring hours of the day. You were somewhat lucky if you found Helaena, the most sensible and calm within the royal family, because you had pleasant conversations with her. When you met the queen it was a little more difficult, because she asked you endless questions in which you had to fake the answers. How could you be fulfilling your parenting responsibilities if the capricious prince wouldn't deign to lay a finger on you?
After a month, Alicent seemed to take matters into her own hands and forced her eldest son to take you to sleep in the same room as him. However, Aegon seemed to want to blame you for something you hadn't chosen. He never spoke to you and every time you went to bed, he would stand with his back to you as far away as possible. And as if that werenโt enough, he had explicitly ordered his guards not to allow you to leave the room unless it was in his company. It was his way of punishing you, of getting even for the complaints of his mother and grandfather regarding his lack of interest in marriage.
โMy mother wants us to attend a dinner tonightโ you were so unaccustomed to hearing his voice addressing you that it took you a second to process what he was telling you โI will talk to the maids to bring you a suitable dress.โ
You didn't know what to say. You didn't want to go to that dinner, nor did you want to be with him, or wear one of those tight, annoying dresses. Aegon, noticing your silence, deigned to look at you and in your eyes he could see the aversion you felt for him. It was something difficult to mask and he had seen it on so many faces that it was nothing new.
โAs you wish, prince.โ
A bitter laugh came from your husband's throat.
โDon't be a hypocrite, for God's sake. I know you hate me as much as I hate you. Save appearances for guests, not in the chambers."
You wouldnโt have had the courage to admit out loud what his majesty had said, but you didnโt dare to contradict him either. You had to play the role of a self-sacrificing and suitable wife for the man if you wanted to keep your honor, but above all your head.
You tried, with all your might, to see some quality in Aegon that you liked so that you could treat him in a better way, which always resulted in something useless. Perhaps if he had been nicer to you, you could have known how to forgive his faults, but even that wasnโt granted to you.
The dinner was mostly family-oriented, with the guest of honor being from House Baratheon whose purpose was to discuss some political matters with the king and queen. Due to his health, Viserys didnโt usually leave his room more than necessary, however, that night the occasion warranted it.
โLady Tyrell, how is your stay in King's Landing?โ
The king had a reputation for being gentle with his guests and was the first person to ask you a personal question, so the smile you showed him was genuine.
โVery pleasant, your grace. The servants treat me as well as possible and I must admit that the views from my room are beautiful. Your dragon is impressive, Prince Aemond, by the way.โ
The boy, who wasn't all that expressive, just looked at you for a moment and tilted his head down slightly.
โI'm glad you like it, princess.โ
"And my son? How is our Aegon treating you?โ
That question was more complicated to answer, since it required expressing a lie. Everyone present focused their attention on you, except your husband who had been staring into nothingness for a long time.
โVery well, my king. Heโs a good husband and I am happy to have been able to unite our houses.โ
The aforementioned snorted, incredulous at what you were saying at the table, and took a long drink from his glass of wine.
โAnd I hope very soon you can give us strong and beautiful heirs.โ
Although that was intended as a compliment, you felt the weight of that responsibility pressing down on you again.
โI wish the same. It will be an honor to serve the crown and bear the progeny of a house as formidable as yours."
The queen was pleased with your answer and for a moment felt sorry for you. She knew her son well, so deep down she knew that it wasnโt a gift from the gods to be married to him. The rest of the table looked at you curiously, wondering if you were serious, trying to be ironic, or just trying to play the good girl role.
Aegon, as expected, became intoxicated during dinner and when Queen Alicent announced that she was going to retire to sleep you thought it prudent to do the same. Your husband, however, had other wishes.
โStay here,โ he asked, his voice serious.
When he was drunk he looked you up and down, probably evaluating how worth it would be to decide to strip you naked and fuck you once and for all. Your body in the dress you were wearing looked better with a few drinks on him.
โI think it would be best to retire, my husband. This way you can stay with the men to chat andโฆ drinkโ
โBut I want you to stay here to keep me company,โ he insisted, holding your wrist tightly โOr don't you want to please your prince?โ
It wasnโt a loving request, but one for control. He wanted to have you there only to demonstrate his power over you, without paying attention to you or talking; only as an ornament.
โAegon, enough,โ Alicent interrupted, observing the scene that had begun to unfold. โDaughter, let's go to sleep. โI will accompany youโ
โFine, do whatever you want,โ he spat contemptuously, abruptly releasing the wrist that was holding you. There was hatred in his eyes, but also pride.
The queen said goodbye to everyone present and then offered you her hand to take you away from there. You spent most of the way in silence, walking through the long, wide corridors of the fortress followed only by the faithful footsteps of Ser Criston Cole.
โYou must be patient with himโ he began to say โHe is a particular man and sometimesโฆ difficult, but I know that with your docile character you will be able to deal with his temperament.โ
What did she know about your character? She didn't know you at all.
โSo it shall be, Queen Alicent.โ
โI understand what you are going through, dear. We both come from the same lands to endure the difficult task of accompanying a monarch. But it is our duty to carry it out with all the honor and temper worthy of our homes. Of course, I can trust that as a woman you will be able to help him fulfill another of the most important marital commitments, such as having children, to maintain the lineage and blood. For a virgin like you, Aegon may be rough, but... patience and resilience are among the best virtues. A woman in royalty must endure these things to give the best to the people.โ
You had never wanted to be a princess. And just when you thought the queen was showing you compassion, you realized that she was only looking out for her interests and those of her family.
"Thanks for the advice. I'll keep it in mind"
She smiled and immediately left a kiss on your forehead, which could have been taken as a maternal kiss but which you didn't like at all. The longer you can postpone suffering, the better. If Aegon didn't even want to look at you, it was perfect.
That night, as soon as you touched the mattress and the silk sheets that decorated it, you began to cry until you fell asleep.
SECOND ACT: CONTROL
Time passed again and although the punishment of not leaving your room was not revoked, you found multiple activities with which to entertain yourself in the prince's absence. You filled your mornings and afternoons with reading, writing, knitting and embroidering. The nights were even more boring because most of the time your husband wasn't there either.
Rumors that you hadnโt yet consummated the marriage had spread through the halls of the palace and soon the smallfolk would murmur too. After all, the people couldnโt entertain themselves with anything more than the gossip and the plays that were going on in the poor neighborhoods, making fun of royal affairs.
You no longer even had the energy to deny those accusations and Aegon had given you the perfect opportunity by throwing you out of his room and refusing to leave the four walls of yours: if you didn't leave there, there was no way anyone would question you. And since you didn't have family inside the Keep, you didn't have any visitors either.
One night, however, your husband surprised you by entering your room. It had been days since you two had seen each other and his staggering around the room warned you that he was drunk again. You often wondered how he resisted drinking so much and the long-term effects it would have on his health, but right now your mind could only focus on the fear of what he might want in that state.
โGood night, dear,โ he drawled, sounding as sarcastic as possible.
You were in your nightgown and you were carrying in your hand an old book that you had been reading and that you threw on the nightstand as soon as you saw him approaching you. You didn't have time to say or do anything else when he had already approached you in giant steps to grab you by the back of your neck and start kissing you. He was abrupt, careless, with his mouth smelling of wine and tasting even worse. You wanted to cry from helplessness.
โIt's what everyone wants, isn't it?โ he murmured, separating himself from you, but still holding you by the hair at the back of your neck. โA marriage arranged in a couple of days to form alliances. And that's it, my life was ruined thanks to my father wanting your stupid castle to expand his domain."
The truth is that couldn't be further from the truth. Viserysโs ambition had never been that, as he had been so little involved in the process that he simply didnโt care who his children were or were not married to. Except for Rhaenyra, of course.
Aegon continued:
"I didnโt want this. I didn't want to marry you, or anyone..."
โAnd you think I do?โ you confronted him.
You were tired of the insult, the humiliation and him ignoring you as if you were worthless; even if that was what a husband did. And the most likely thing was that your words would be forgotten due to alcohol or that they would put an end to the wait for your suffering to begin and Aegon decided to take you once and for all.
โYou have nothing to lose, prince,โ you continued. โYou get drunk as much as you want, you run away from your responsibilities and walk everywhere when I have to stay locked up here all day just because you want me to. I have to endure the suspicious looks of everyone because I still don't have an heir in the womb while you go and fuck your whores."
โI'm the prince and I fuck whoever I want, did you hear me?โ he hissed. The grip on your hair had already begun to become painful and a few tears slipped down your cheeks โAnd I stop fucking whoever I want too. I'm not going to please anyone by getting you pregnant. There they will see if they come and force me to put my cock in youโ
โDo you doubt that, your grace?โ you exclaimed bitterly โDoubts that will force us to conceive?โ
โSo that's what you want? Do you want me to do it?โ
โI want to go home. That is what I want. But my father used me as a bargaining chip and that's why I can't do anything."
โI'm sorry it was like that. If I had chosen my wife, I would surely have chosen someone prettier and more educated than you, but I can't do much either."
Once again, the man pushed you until your lips joined his and the same discomfort settled in you. He didn't kiss you with love, but with fury and violence to the point that you had to push him away when he bit you so hard that a trickle of blood began to come out of your lower lip. Aegon was also stained by it and with an acidic smile he ran the tip of his tongue all over his mouth to remove any traces.
Looking at you he didn't look happy, but he didn't look angry either. He just seemed fed up.
Everyone knew, or suspected, that the prince was very capable of taking sexual advantage of any woman. He had done it before with maids and prostitutes and had slept peacefully throughout that time. However, there was something about you that encouraged him not to. He didn't even think it was something about you specifically but about the situation, because he wanted to do the opposite of what he was ordered: if everyone ordered him to take you to have an heir, it automatically became an unpleasant act and at the same time that he refused.
He was hurt, not because of you but because of years and years of abuse and neglect. He didn't really know you at all, he only knew what you represented.
You were just the unlucky one who had married him.
"I hate you. I hate that you are my wife and you are not worthy of me even touching youโ he snapped with disdain. You were still fighting to keep the tears inside your eyes and his vision had also blurred slightly โI wish I had never met you.โ
โThe feeling is mutual, your grace,โ you expressed, your voice breaking. If it was an offense to the crown, you wouldn't even care anymore and if he killed you right there you wouldn't regret it too much either.
Aegon looked at you one last time before staggering back out the door without another word, closing it behind him with a loud gesture and leaving you alone in the room. The reality that you had escaped, once again, from being raped by the man fell on you like a bucket of cold water and your knees weakened until you fell to the floor.
You were hurt, tired, and defeated by the stress of the situation and the fear that had washed over you the entire time. Luckily he was gone, otherwise you didn't know if you would have endured what he had to do to you. It was better to have him busy in a brothel than to have to endure him in your bed.
You wished you could talk to someone and cry on a loved oneโs shoulder, only to realize a second later that that was impossible. Aegon was your new family, now you belonged to the Targaryens and you would have to do as they wished.
Anger completely overwhelmed you to the point where you stood up from your seat and began throwing pieces of glassware all over the room, in a violent outburst at what had just happened and the way you felt. None of the guards outside your door dared to come in to check on you and soon enough you fell back to the ground, exhausted from the effort.
As you cried, perhaps for the umpteenth time since you had been married, you thought about how you would never be able to love Prince Aegon. Not even if you tried.
THIRD ACT: PAIN
After months, the inevitable arrived. The truth was that the first time you felt sorrow and anger, but the following times it became more tolerable. Not because it was better, but because you began to get used to it. Aegon didn't change his attitude towards you one bit. You indeed spent more time together, although that didnโt mean that you got along better or that you had begun to have more sympathy for each other.
The only advantage was that you had started to be friends with some people in the palace. Your sister-in-law, to begin with, as well as some of the maids who were in charge of looking after you, as they turned out to be your only company during those days. Those distractions were more than enough for you, considering the situation you were in, and they kept you sane as time went by.
Almost like a punishment from heaven, it seemed that you werenโt pregnant yet, since your biological processes seemed to continue working to the letter. That meant that, unfortunately, you would have to keep trying; when Aegon was lost enough to forget who you were and you had to stand still as a statue to let him loom over you.
You often liked to imagine what your life would have been like if you had stayed in Highgarden. Nobody knew it yet, but there you had found your first love and although it never went beyond a few kisses, you treasured the memory with particular affection. You had always wanted to marry a sweet man who loved and respected you, who would give you your place as a wife and adore you day and night; someone with whom you could feel protected, cared for, but above all happy. You thought, naively, that that boy you had met and who was nothing more than a commoner could have given you that life, but all those possibilities were nothing more than fantasies in which you tried to lock yourself in to feel less miserable with your unpleasant reality.
One night Helaena had invited you to a modest dinner in her company that you couldn't refuse, since none of your husbands were present and some time with friends could clear your mind. You didn't even know where the prince was, although it was expected that he was spending some time in the town with his friends.
โSometimes I feel sad about our situation,โ said the blonde. You were in the privacy of her chambers, not even with the maids present, so confessions like that were allowed โBut I am happy that you are my friend, something that wouldnโt have been possible otherwise.โ
โI'm glad to talk to you too,โ you smiled sincerely. โYou're the best thing I've found around here.โ
โMy brothers aren't that bad, they're justโฆ well, we've had a hard life. And that's why they behave like that."
โI think there is no justification for being aโฆโ idiot, you wanted to say, but you had to remember that you were in the presence of the princess, โa person who is rude to others. But I guess that happens with royalty, right? They do what they want without consequencesโ
"I guess so. Kings, princes, the heirs, lords, dukesโฆโ
โOkay, I get it,โ you laughed bitterly โIt's probably a masculine quality.โ
You never thought your sister-in-law would have that kind of humor and to be honest, most of the time she was a comic relief for the situations you two were going through. Sometimes her prophecies scared you, especially the way she phrased them, but you wanted to think that her premonitions would never affect you directly.
When you finally got tired of chatting and the food was finished, you decided to return to your room, so you could have a peaceful night's rest. It was raining outside and thunder echoed in the distance, making the atmosphere slightly gloomy, but at the same time cooling every corner of King's landing.
The novelty of your position was no longer important enough to require you to be escorted by guards twenty-four hours a day, so you were able to slowly walk through all the corridors that led to your sanctuary. It was modest but cute, although not on the level of Aegonโs.
A man was guarding the door and you bowed your head to him to let you pass, which he did without any opposition. Once inside you got rid of your shoes and unbuttoned your corset, not caring that the room was almost in darkness; only the moonlight illuminated from the window. You took a few steps forward and squealed when you discovered that there was another person in the room, sitting at the small table with a drink in his hand. You would have started screaming for help if you hadn't noticed that said intruder had silver hair falling like a curtain over his face.
"Your grace?" you asked cautiously.
It isnโt usual for Aegon to drink in your room, as he preferred other places with more interesting company, and when you didnโt receive an answer you approached slowly. You thought that at best he had simply fallen asleep and at worst he would be dead.
At first his long, wavy hair covered your view of his face, but when he noticed your presence he raised his head and then you could see him. His features became clearer as lightning illuminated him from the outside and for a second you were horrified.
His cheek was red and a trickle of blood was dripping from his nose, however, what surprised you the most was seeing his eyes completely swollen.
โFor the seven, Iโฆ I'll go call a maesterโ
โDon't even think about it,โ he exclaimed hoarsely, seeing that you were already rushing towards the door.
Your husband didn't sound like his usual angry tone, but rather he seemed... hurt.
You thought for a second about what the appropriate reaction to the situation was. You couldn't leave the room because, in addition to the guards murmuring, it would be impolite to leave him in that state; also, where would you go? If you ignored him, he would probably take it as an insult and he had already made it clear that he didn't want to see someone who could take care of those injuries.
You hated him, it was true, but you weren't an insensitive monster either.
"Who did this to you?"
Aegon was surprised by how soft, even kind, your question sounded and the intoxication gave him some courage to answer.
โMy mother and my grandfather. Mostly my mother, my grandfather rather dedicated his efforts to reminding me how useless I amโ
You didn't know what to say. You never believed that the queen would be capable of hitting one of her sons like that. You didn't believe it from any mother, actually.
With some trepidation you took one of the chairs and placed it in front of him, expecting him to immediately push you away or ask you to get out of his sight. However, the prince didn't seem to have enough energy to do any of those things.
He had a lost look on his face and tears began to run down his face.
โNothingโฆ nothing I do pleases her. Neither to her, nor to my grandfather. All the time they are pressuring me, demanding me, yelling at me. Apparently Otto still hopes that my father will name me king, but I've never wanted that. They blame me for drinking all the time and how do they expect them not to? My father cares so little about me and my mother hates me. All his life he has hated me. She does it, my brothersโฆ and so do you. My own wife hates me. Everyoneโฆ everyone who knows me does itโ
You were silent for a moment.
There were mixed feelings inside you, because you couldn't forget the mistreatment that the man had given you during those months, nor the way he used you for his pleasure. He was right when he said you hated him. However, there was a compassionate part of you, deep down, that felt sorry for the man's state.
โAnd sometimes I just want to be dead. I just wish all the shit would go away and drowning in alcohol and dying would take away Alicent's problem and allow her to focus her attention on something betterโ
His gaze lifted and he looked at you with crystallized eyes.
โMaybe you should poison me one day. So your suffering would also endโ
โYour highness, I cannot do thatโ
โBut would you like it? Do you hate me enough to wish me dead?โ
โOf course not,โ you said quickly.
"Liar. You lie like everyone else. You want me deadโ
You knew that saying something negative at that moment, in the state he was in, could result in him making some incoherence that you would be blamed for the next morning. So it was best to act cautiously.
โI don't think anyone wants thatโ
โMy mother does. My father, Rhaenyra does it, and so does her stupid new husbandโฆโ
โYour graceโฆโ you interrupted him harshly. Listening to him sink into his self-indulgence was too much to bear โYou better go to sleep, don't you think? Now you're not thinking clearly, you'll feel better in the morning."
But Aegon seemed to be lost in his own thoughts, oblivious to anything you had to say to him.
โI guess I just wish someone wouldn't completely detest my existence, you know?โ
Aegon had done terrible things to you, of course, but seeing him at that moment made you wonder if all of this was the product of poor parenting and psychological abuse that had been perpetuated for twenty long years. You couldn't say your father loved you, not after what he had done, but at least he hadn't constantly hurt you as the man in front of you had. You knew better than anyone that hate had to be healed with empathy and for a brief moment you felt soft for him.
Once Aegon was a small child, without sins, without accumulated hatred, without evil... and apparently that frightened child hadnโt been completely buried, because it was him who cried inconsolably and saw death as a viable alternative to end that suffering. However, there is no redemption without guilt, right? You don't get to heaven without first repenting.
You stayed silent for a long time, listening to him sob, and when you gathered the courage you spoke:
โPrince, can I be honest with you?โ
You had spoken in a low and benevolent voice, while you slid from your chair until you were kneeling in front of him. The boy didn't even want to take advantage of that position for a sexual act, he was simply too tired and drained to think. You placed your hands on his knees and seeing that he nodded, you continued:
โYou say you wish someone wouldn't hate you, but have you ever made an effort to do so? Or have you even wondered why people feel that way about you?โ
โIt's something natural for themโ
โI didn't feel it,โ you said, honestly. You hated the idea of getting married out of obligation, but if he had been different from the beginning maybe your feelings for him would be too โAnd you made me feel it. With your contempt, your humiliations, your punishmentsโฆโ
โIf everyone thinks you're a monster, what's the point of contradicting them?โ
โAnd then you prefer to agree with them?โ
You were probably taking too many liberties with the prince, but you would never have a chance to talk to him like that again. He was vulnerable and therefore less defensive than normal.
โEvery person is responsible for their actions,โ you continued. โYou can't change how the queen or king feels about you, but you can choose to offer something better to others. If itโs your desire that people not hate you, that wonโt happen overnight just because you tell it to. It takes time, effort and above all it requires kindness. If you live regretting the concept that people have of you, without doing anything to change it, then you will live a lifetime of dissatisfaction. If you seriously want someone to feel happy about your existence then pursue that goal, donโt expect it to be granted to you as a divine work.โ
A deeper cry began to well up from the man and you almost thought he would lean down for your hug. Still, he didn't.
โI don't know how to be someone else. I have always been thisโ
โNot always, that's for sure. Water that stagnates rots and becomes a swamp. The one that runs, on the other hand, becomes a river and flows into the ocean.โ
You raised the handkerchief you always carried and, in an act of kindness that was also intended to be an offering of peace, you gently wiped the tears and dried blood from his face. Aegon squirmed as he had never experienced that kind of care.
โYou just have to ask yourself: what do you choose to be?โ
For an endless moment he watched you. His judgment was clouded by drunkenness, but he wondered if he wasn't hallucinating and you were simply the voice of his conscience telling him something he had never wanted to accept.
It was easier to blame others for his mistakes, to justify himself by saying that everything about him was his mother's fault and that if he behaved the way he did it was only a defense mechanism. Aegon had never thought about how his treatment of women was a direct consequence of Alicent's upbringing: if his own mother had hurt him, why wouldn't other women do the same to him? And since he was convinced that they were all going to do it, he preferred to turn them into objects that he could use for his benefit.
He was so drunk and so exhausted from all the crying he had shed that he simply pushed your hand away from his face and stood up from the chair, without saying a word. You, now standing, saw him begin to undress and the first thing you thought was that he would seek to heal his sorrows by having sex with you. However, he only got rid of the essentials and then lay on his stomach on the bed. Without any choice, you took off your clothes for the day, put on a nightgown and also lay down on the mattress to sleep.
You were sure that the next day Aegon wouldnโt remember anything and you weighed the possibility of the whole story repeating itself, in an endless and painful loop for the two of you. And if you were right, it would be a shame if you had to live like this for the rest of your days.
FOURTH ACT: REDEMPTION
โDo you know where Meryna is?โ you asked one of the maids who had come in to change your bedding.
โNo, your graceโ
โI'm starting to get hungry and she still hasn't brought my breakfast,โ you exclaimed sadly.
You had woken up a while ago and had gotten dressed to go for a walk after eating, to see if this would cheer you up a little. It had been a few days since Aegon had opened up in the privacy of your room and after that you had barely seen him, much less spoken to him. You believed that everything was due to a matter of pride or even shame for what you had witnessed and you simply didnโt give it importance, because you knew that eventually he would approach you again. You just had to wait for him to want to do it.
Almost as if by summons, the black-haired girl appeared through the door, looking agitated and embarrassed by the delay. Furthermore, she came empty-handed.
"Princessโฆ"
โDidn't you bring breakfast?โ you asked, still sounding cordial but slightly surprised.
โI'm very sorry, it's just that Prince Aegon asked me to bring the food to the royal dining room. He is waiting for you there, he told me to come and get you.โ
He hadnโt mentioned requiring your presence for any breakfast and, according to you, there were no guests in the palace to accompany. The two women noticed your dismay and Meryna stood waiting for a response.
โDid he tell you why?โ
โNo, your graceโ
"Good. Then tell him I'll be there in a moment."
You only took a few minutes to change your dress, one more suitable for being in the presence of the prince and in case there was a guest you didn't know about. There were no guards at your door so you were able to walk to the dining room by yourself and were surprised to see that only your husband was at the table. He had an expression that you interpreted as a mix of impatience and nerves.
โOh, you finally arrived. Sit down. You, bring the princess something to drink,โ he ordered a maid. He used to call you that in the presence of guests, but it was rare for him to have that courtesy when alone.
โAre we waiting for someone?โ
"No. I just thought you might want to have breakfast together.โ
You were already sitting next to him, and for a second you watched him with a frown. Had he hit his head somewhere or why was he acting so strange?
โDo you prefer juice or wine, your highness?
"Juice"
โAnd bring her some strawberries,โ Aegon exclaimed.
There was something about the situation that scared you, because you imagined that he wouldn't be treating you so kindly without wanting something in return. But you were already his wife and he did whatever he wanted with you, what more could he want from you?
You looked him up and down, as if searching for some sign, but he looked completely normal. He was wearing one of those full black robes he was used to, with a golden chain with emeralds decorating the hem of his neck and a belt accentuating his figure. The dark circles in his eyes were pronounced, as always, but the look was not that of someone angry; you would even say that he looked somewhat passive, even sleepy.
While you were thinking about all that, you remembered the last conversation you had had with him. You feared that madness had finally exploded in your husband and the food you were about to eat was poisoned, as he had suggested at the time. Perhaps out of courtesy he was waiting for you to take the first bite and, trying to control the trembling in your hands, you took a portion of the cold cuts on your plate to put it in your mouth. Luckily the food didn't taste different and after seeing that the man ate it with the utmost calmness, you assumed that it didn't contain any poison either.
There was freshly baked bread, jam, some cheeses, the aforementioned cold cuts, a variety of fruits, scrambled eggs with fresh herbs and chives, as well as some stuffed buns for dessert. It was a mini banquet and as you ate it you couldn't help but wonder why this show of kindness was due.
Aegon didn't seem to have any intention of talking and you didn't try to force him, not wanting to either. The atmosphere was one of peace and tranquility, one you had not experienced since your wedding day until now, and it was a very different but strangely pleasant feeling.
It was just a couple sharing breakfast time, but for two people who come from such a broken home it felt like a totally new experience.
You continued in silence until most of the things served were finished, leaving only what wasnโt to your palate's liking or that your body was simply no longer able to ingest.
โDo you need anything else, your majesty?โ
โClear this table, we won't eat anymore,โ he said to the maid, nonchalantly pointing to the leftovers you had left. Then he looked at you โSatisfied?โ
"I am. Everything was deliciousโ
โI want us to do the same tomorrow. I will send a maid for you, so get ready soon,โ he said decisively.
Then he got up from his chair, stretched a little, and left the room without saying anything else to you.
You didn't see your husband the rest of the day, but the next morning he kept his promise without fail. Although the breakfast menu was different the routine was the same and again it made you wonder what the reason for it was.
The next day he also requested your presence for breakfast and you concluded that he intended to make it a habit. For the rest of the morning you were supposed to dedicate yourself to your activities, but after a week of following that routine Aegon informed you that he had other plans for you.
โI want you to come with me for a walk.โ
"To the exterior?"
"Yeah. I have training with Ser Criston but I don't wish to attend, so you will be my excuse. I'll tell him that the princess wanted to go for a walk and that I couldn't let her go alone."
He was telling you that lie almost like a childish prank and you would swear he was about to smile.
โHuh, okay. If you want it, we willโ
You were still confused by his actions, because in all the time you had been there it was the first time he treated you decently. You didn't know if he was still drinking in large quantities, but at least when he went to sleep he no longer reeked of liquor in the same way. And all that week he hadn't forced you to have sex with him.
What had motivated the prince to change his way of behaving towards you?
"Do you want to go to the beach? I will order a couple of horses to be saddled for usโ he exclaimed when you had already left the dining room.
You couldn't refuse to go to the bay, because in your entire life you had never seen the ocean and your curiosity was greater than any other feeling. Besides, you loved horses, and being with them might even make you feel better.
Aegon did as he told you and soon enough you were in the stable. He had ordered a beautiful white mare for you, with a silver mane the color of your husband's hair and a formidable build.
You approached to pet the animal, carefully, and tensed completely when you felt another body behind yours. Until that moment you hadn't realized how warm your husband was.
โShe's pretty, right?โ
His voice sounded at your ear level, as he had also reached out to touch Frostfireโs hair.
"She is"
โI guess you know how to ride,โ he muttered under his breath and you let out an offended sigh.
โOf course I do. Highgarden is the heart of the chivalry of the seven kingdomsโ
After saying that you turned your head just a little and met his gaze, indigo eyes with hints of lilac looking at you carefully. You could feel his breath against yours and at that closeness your cheeks had already turned red involuntarily.
He separated from you and then went to choose his horse, a black thoroughbred with beautiful braids, to get on it and ask the guards to open the door for you. You almost managed to sneak away, but Ser Criston stopped the two of you just before you could do so, claiming that he had a scheduled practice with the prince.
โI'm taking my wife to Blackwater, she hasn't had a chance to visit since her arrival.โ
โBut your grace, your fatherโฆโ
โWe will continue with training later, Ser Criston,โ he said firmly.
โWill you go to Blackwater without an escort?โ
โI willโ
"That's impossible"
โDon't worry, I don't want to be accompanied. Just rest for now.โ
โBut you are the prince.โ
"Exactly. I am the prince and I want my orders to be respected."
The boy was a smug son of a bitch when he put his mind to it, just like now. The man had no choice but to obey the words and then the two of you were able to leave. You could get there on foot, but Aegon had felt like riding and had wanted an alternative to quickly escape if something went wrong.
You walked along a path that still belonged to the Red Keep grounds, so there was no great danger of being attacked along the way, and you soon reached the bay. It was even more beautiful up close and as soon as you got off the mare you forgot any courtesy towards your husband, as you rushed towards the shore to watch the waves crash. Your pumps and dress were soaked when the water reached your calves, but it didn't bother you too much because you were happy for the reason.
โHave you never been to the ocean?โ
โI'm afraid not, your grace. There was never any business that required me to be on the coast of The Reach and I have always lived surrounded by hills and forests. I had seen some rivers, butโฆโ
Before you could continue your story you staggered because of a wave and to avoid falling you tried to hold on to whatever was within reach, which turned out to be the man next to you. He supported you from the elbows with his strong arms.
โOh, I'm so sorry.โ
โItโs okay,โ he laughed. For the first time in your presence, he had laughed โBut we should get away from the shore. I wouldn't want to take you back to the castle all soakedโ
You heeded the boy's advice and, still leaning on him, walked towards the sand. The sky was slightly cloudy, so the weather was perfect for walking around without any discomfort.
โI've never visited Highgarden, is it as impressive as rumored?โ he asked, as he began to walk in the opposite direction of the Red Keep.
Although you never believed that the prince would be interested in such things, you began to talk to him about your hometown with particular emotion. You told him about his surroundings, about the castle and you also told in greater detail the gardens that once belonged to you and were full of golden roses, as was the emblem of your house.
You were surprised by how attentive the boy was to everything you had to say to him and for the first time since your arrival, you didn't feel like a stranger in your own skin. Talking about your home was like remembering a part of yourself, as if you were showing him your insides through stories of the beautiful hills where you had ridden so many times.
โEverything sounds wonderful,โ he concluded. The sea breeze had already ruffled both of your hair and he took advantage of this to brush a strand out of your face โSomeday I should go visit itโ
โYes, maybe you would like thatโ you exclaimed smiling. You had come too far and it was time to walk back, towards where you had left Frostfire and Moonshadow tied up โYour grace, may I ask you a question?โ
"Yeah"
You opened your mouth to ask him why he was doing all that and why he had suddenly started showing so much interest in you. You wanted to know the reason for his unexpected kindness and his abstinence from activities that werenโt very pleasant for you. But before you could speak, you took a moment to observe him. His skin looked paler in the light outside and his silver hair waved in the wind, however, what caught your attention the most was the serene expression on his face.
Although you couldn't say that you knew Aegon, the time you had lived together had shown you that his personality was extremely challenging. If you pointed out that he was being nicer to you and questioned him about it, he would most likely revert to his old behavior towards you simply on a whim. So no, you couldn't ask him about anything or you'd ruin the minuscule part of a good relationship you had managed to build.
โI was thinking... Do you think we can one day bring golden roses to the royal gardens? Green and gold are part of your emblem too and that would beautify the place. I could take care of them, if you want.โ
โThat's a good idea,โ he exclaimed happily. You had already turned around to return and you calculated that it must be after noon โI will order them to be brought in as soon as possible, in the hope that the hot weather at King's landing will not ruin themโ
โI hope not,โ you said, although a little less enthusiastic than before.
You had been lost in thought after the appearance of that question that you did not verbalize and suddenly Aegon feared that he had made some mistake. You walked a few meters in silence, until this state was unbearable for his majesty and he stopped you by holding your shoulders. You were about to ask what had happened when he pulled you against his lips, stealing your breath. It was still a rough kiss, but this time less desperate than before. His hands went down to your waist and held you to his body until there wasnโt even a centimeter of distance left, with your belly touching the heat of his stomach.
โStill no signs that you are pregnant?โ
You thought that, perhaps, your answer was in that question and that the only thing the man wanted was to convince you to hurry up the matter of producing an heir.
โI'm sorry to say no. It's very unfortunate."
โWe'll have to keep trying,โ he said, shrugging his shoulders as if he wanted to downplay the matter โMother insists on it.โ
โHas your mother always been like this to you?โ
"What are you talking about?"
โIt's justโฆ she seems to have everything under control all the time.โ
You couldn't be further from the truth and rather than describing it that way Aegon would have said that she was controlling. She wanted to have things under control, but she couldn't and as an example was the eldest prince himself, whom she had never been able to persuade to behave the way he did.
โWell, she is the queen. I guess that's how she must beโ he exclaimed without much encouragement. He was still holding you by the waist and was surprised by how intimate that position was. โBut we better get back, they must be wondering where we areโ
โMaybe they even think I ran away, taking advantage of the fact that you weren't there to watch me,โ you joked.
"Would you do it?"
"Do what?"
โRun awayโ
You looked at the man, incredulous, because it was stupid to think that if you were planning to run away you would just tell him like that. That was the characteristic of it, that it was surprising and hidden.
โWhy would I do, your grace?โ
โMaybe because I'm a bad husband,โ he said quietly. You weren't understanding the game Aegon was playing and it was driving you crazy.
โI wouldn't dare do it. I have nowhere to go and I know I couldn't even get through the doors without your majesty noticing,โ you replied.
The prince didnโt want pragmatic reasons like that, but rather his question was more aimed at whether it was your will to abandon him.
Against all odds a couple of raindrops began to fall and very soon a storm had already brewed over your head. It was useless to run, but you did it anyway and Aegon held your hand to prevent either of you from falling due to a trip. Somewhere along the way you lost one of your pumps and at this you began to laugh and he, infected by your joy, did the same. It amused you greatly to think of the face the queen would make when she saw you enter the castle, with her eldest son soaked from head to toe and your clothing incomplete. But you also laughed from the joy of feeling so alive in that moment. You felt like a girl playing in the rain and despite the coldness of the falling water, you felt a certain warmth traveling from the tips of your fingers to your chest.
Although he was sure that you were an excellent rider, your husband insisted on taking you on his own horse to avoid any accidents and you agreed without complaint. His body sheltered you all the way to the Red Keep and once there, under the roof, he helped you down from the chair with extreme care. You didn't think he was that strong until you felt him grab your waist and place you on the floor effortlessly.
โAsk the maids to prepare a bath for you, or you will catch a cold,โ he said, putting on your back a cloak he had found hanging on one of the walls.
There was the hint of a smile on his face and seeing him behave like this towards you made you feel weird. You almost felt like he was trying to be affectionate with you, even though he wasn't quite succeeding.
โYou should do the same,โ you exclaimed softly.
Motivated by the kind moment you had shared, you reached out to brush away the wet hair that had stuck to his face and he shivered at your touch. It was the first time you touched him that way, out of conviction and with care.
โYour majesty, Lord Hand is looking for you. He says he needs to talk to you urgently."
โMy grandfather,โ he sighed at you, as if wanting to apologize for the words the guard behind you had just said.
He gave the man Moonshadow's reins and then explained that someone had to go get the horse you had left in the bay, so you assumed your presence there was no longer necessary. You were about to leave when he stopped you, grabbing your arm somewhat roughly and looking at you with a feeling that you couldn't decipher.
โI'll go to your room tonight,โ he informed.
You felt a little disappointed by the reality of having to share a bed with him, after so long without having done so, but you were grateful that he was at least warning you.
You nodded your goodbyes and he did the same, forming an unspoken agreement. You thought maybe that was why he had been polite to you, so he could get back under your bed sheets. But there was no point in doing it, he wasn't courting you to win your hand, but you were already his wife and he had made it very clear that he could do with you whatever he wanted.
Still a little confused, you were escorted to your bedroom, where you hoped that a tub with hot water and essences would be enough to appease all those doubts that were growing in you.
FIFTH ACT: LOVE
At some point Aegon would get tired of all this, you were sure. But while that moment arrived, you were thoroughly enjoying all kinds of attention you received from your husband. He kept his promise to bring golden roses for the gardens and although the queen wasnโt very happy, in the end they adorned some of the busiest sections of the place. You took that as an act of good faith, so you thought that maybe the thought of repaying him for some of the decency he was showing you wouldn't kill you.
There wasnโt a single breakfast that you skipped, except when the prince was required for political matters or had to travel. You were too proud to admit that you had begun to genuinely enjoy his company, as you still had some distrust due to how temperamental the man was. It wasn't all sunshine and flowers, as the young man still had some outbursts that made you fear him and reminded you that this was who you were really talking to.
His drinking habits hadnโt changed much, since although he was able to handle it during the first week after that period, it was inevitable that he would go back to his old ways and drink an entire jug of wine in a couple of minutes. With sex it was the same, because he continued to fuck you without signs of care and regularly when he was lost in drink. It amused you to think that perhaps that was the reason why you still didn't carry a child in your womb; that he was too drunk when you tried to be of any use.
However, as your relationship strengthened you could notice slight (you almost swore they were imaginary) changes when having sex. He was no longer as rough towards your body as before and tried to thrust into you a little slower, as if he wanted to lengthen the moment and not just unload into you and sleep like a baby after that. Maybe it was just that the drink made him lethargic, but he had even started seeking your lips in the middle of the act or kissing everything within reach of the skin on your neck. You didn't intend to spend much time analyzing his behavior because for you it already represented a victory that he had stopped hurting you after every time you had sex and, honestly, you didn't want to inquire about it. Once again you thought it was more prudent not to question the prince and simply let him continue behaving that way.
Until one night, things looked different for you.
When you heard your husband open the door, quite late at night, and saw him approach your bed, you knew that the same dynamic of nighttime visits would take place. Aegon, already hard as a rock, would kiss you a few times, undress, order you to undress, and then position on top of you to satisfy himself. Needless to say, under the confidence that being in the dark gave you and your husband's lack of interest, you looked away or concentrated on something else while your martyrdom was carried out. He would finish, lie naked next to you, and then sleep soundly with no memory the next morning of what had happened.
Aegon called your name, just to check that you were awake or otherwise wake you up, and you were surprised to hear that his voice sounded quite normal. He wasn't slurring his words like usual.
"Your grace?" you called back, propping yourself up on your elbows so you could look at him.
He did what was expected and as soon as he was far enough away, he started kissing you. You must have known something was wrong from that first moment, when he grabbed your cheek with his wide hand and offered you the most passionate kiss you had ever had. It is reiterated that Aegon was always somewhat careless in intimacy, but this first contact hadnโt felt as impatient as others, but rather was something more careful and planned.
Only one other man had kissed you like that in your life and although the feeling brewing in your chest must have been pleasant, the truth was that it wasn't. You had endured too much abuse from the white-haired man so your body didn't know how to react otherwise. That's why when he continued kissing you for longer than usual and then laid you down meekly, you couldn't do anything but tense uncomfortably.
You were only in your nightgown so there wasn't much difficulty in sliding the straps to the side, almost exposing your tits. Suddenly Aegon lowered his kisses to your neck, where his stubble scratched your skin. Knowing that he would be busy in that area, you turned your head away to focus your gaze on a tapestry on the wall. However, you got a surprise when you felt the prince move away from you and then a bigger one when he took your face between his fingers, placing his index finger and thumb on each of your cheeks to force you to look at him. At first you thought there was anger in his eyes, but after looking at them for a second more you concluded that the feeling was more like that of someone insulted. And why? you asked yourself. What had you done that had offended the prince?
โWhy are you looking away?โ
His question had a certain aggressive tone, but, at the same time, he sounded hurt. With that you confirmed that he wasnโt drunk or that, if he was, he had drunk just enough to make him feel slightly dizzy. You couldn't tell the way your eyes looked at him, but Aegon interpreted your expression as one of disdain.
Unbeknownst to you, he had his own whirlwind of feelings inside him, one that was driving him crazy and causing him to look you up and down while still holding you. Heโd never been like this on another night, so you were at the mercy of knowing how good or bad that would turn out.
Suddenly he seemed upset, you would even say disgusted, and surprisingly stood up from his position. The cold air hit you where he had been before and you sat on the bed to watch him, completely confused by the way he was behaving.
"What's going onโฆ?"
โYou don't want this,โ he spoke firmly. It was obvious that you didn't want to and you wondered how he had barely realized it. โNot like thatโฆ Iโฆ no. Not this way"
His babbling confused you even more and when you saw him walk away with exaggerated steps until he left through the door, you couldn't help but feel totally amazed.
What was the reason for what your husband had just done?
The feeling of being abandoned was more hopeless than having him fuck you would have been, and for a moment you even felt ashamed. Maybe he didn't like you anymore or he would just go and cure his frustration in the bed of a woman you didn't know.
He had watched you very strangely and the whole scene wasn't like him. You even pinched yourself just to check that it wasn't some strange dream, getting a moan of pain in response to your question. You thought that perhaps you were acting impulsively, but barely a minute later you put on a green robe over your nightgown and headed towards the door, still not knowing exactly what you were going to do.
โWhere are you going, your grace?โ the guard on duty asked, putting his voluptuous body in your way.
โPrince Aegon, do you know where he went?โ
โIn that direction, your majesty. But I'm afraid I must recommend that you return to your room, it is dangerous to walk around the palace at this time."
โBut I wish to see my husband,โ you said firmly.
The man let out a sigh and then slid to the side of the hallway, leaving you a clear path. Even so, when you started walking you felt his footsteps following you because he probably wanted to make sure that something didn't happen to you. You walked for a while, but you knew it was useless when all you found were locked doors that you couldn't knock on and that you couldn't open either. If Aegon was in any of those rooms, you wouldn't know it. Defeated, you returned to your room and, as expected, found it empty again.
The next morning there wasnโt a single word about that event, but it was present in your mind throughout the day. You had already lived with him enough to realize that something was bothering him, however, upon noticing that he was less talkative during your usual breakfast, you decided to give him time.
You were about to leave the table when he stopped you, asking you to take your seat again and looking at you seriously.
โI have to travel for a couple of weeks,โ he informed you. You were surprised to hear that he almost sounded sad โThe king is required on some business and since my father can no longer travel, I will have to do it.โ
โI hope the entire journey is favorable and the visit profitable, your grace,โ you exclaimed cordially. However, your husband didnโt seem pleased with it.
One of his hands slid to hold yours, with a strength that surprised you. There was urgency in his grip, like he needed to hold on to something.
โIs that all you have to say?โ
A couple of wrinkles appeared on your brow, as you clearly weren't understanding what he expected of you. Accompanying him would be reckless and you didn't know if he wanted you to keep him there at King's landing.
During those last months something had changed in the man's face, because those eyes surrounded by purple marks no longer saw you with the same aversion as the first time. And it disheartened Aegon that his attempts to please you were yielding no apparent fruit. He was giving you time, effort, and being kind to you like you had said was necessary, but he still couldn't help but feel that you still considered him a stranger.
He had been patient because he thought that, as time went by, you would begin to seek him out or not shy away from his touch. Aegon cared a lot about the physical, so every time he sneaked into your room he did so with the hope that you would welcome him with open arms and give yourself to him willingly. Countless nights he waited in his own room for you to show up to keep him warm and love him throughout the night. But it never happened and a part of him couldn't blame you either.
However, he was already tired of it. He wanted to make it clear to you that he not only wanted to give, but also receive. But forcing you to do anything would ruin everything; you had to want it.
โHave I said something that offended you, prince?โ
โI just thought you would say you were going to miss meโ
A laugh echoed in your throat at those words and for a second Aegon felt hurt, like you were mocking you. He was going to let go of your hand and walk away, insulted, but you squeezed his hand harder as a sign that you didn't want him to do that.
โI'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh at you. I just didn't think that if I harbored feelings of that kind they would be of interest to your majesty."
โDo you miss me when you don't see me?โ he asked now, allowing himself to be vulnerable in front of you โOr are you glad to have me away?โ
You didn't know what those direct questions were about, because you didn't expect that a man like him would be plagued by uncertainty about knowing the answers.
โNot at all. I will always be willing to be with you whenever you want.โ
โAnd you want to be with me?โ he insisted.
โI think that what I want is not importantโ
โBut I'm trying to make it so. I thought I was making it clear enough,โ
He was angry, but not for the reasons you might think. It frustrated him that he was trying hard to improve and that your eyes continued to see him like that first time. Too many people were already observing him like that and he thought that, perhaps, since you were the most recent to do it, you could also be the first in whom he could manage to modify it.
You, however, were still too confused by his signs. Sometimes his attitude didnโt coincide with the intentions he had, since antipathy was often the only emotion with which he allowed himself to express and feel, accustomed to what he received during all his years of life.
All those months of effort were a direct product of the talk you had had with him, of that moment of weakness in which, instead of ignoring him like everyone else did, you had stayed with him. Aegon was aware that the treatment towards you was sometimes inhumane and he couldnโt explain how despite this you had wiped away his tears with such care, expressing nothing more than an act of integrity. Sometimes he even just imposed things on you to see if he could push you to the limit and he was surprised to see that you endured everything with honor and decency. You were good, something he could never be.
He didn't want to hear anything more and then let go of your hand, feeling rejected again.
"Majestyโฆ"
"It's getting late. I have to go feed Sunfyre so he can endure the trip.โ
โWill you travel by dragon?โ
โHow else would a Targaryen do it?โ expressed obviously.
You were silent for a moment and then he stood up, ready to fulfill his obligations. In the afternoon he had already left, without emotional goodbyes or anything like that.
You had those weeks alone to reflect on everything that had been happening. You firmly believed that a cruel and evil person would always be that way, even if they hid it, because humans canโt change from one day to the next. Still, you had to allow Aegon the courtesy of admitting that he wasn't being a complete jerk lately.
You tried to think of any unpleasant moments with him during that week and although you found a couple, you realized that they had all been because of minor arguments or simply that one of the two of you had woken up in a bad mood. The hatred for the boy had been so ingrained in you that now it was difficult to decipher how much of it was due to things that were really happening and how much of it was a resentment carried from the past, at the beginning of that harmful relationship that existed between you.
He was no longer a mean man to you, he just sometimes had those logical slips for anyone who has never been taught to love. He didn't know how to care for you, how to talk to you, or even how to touch you properly. He had always existed alone and could still be seen reflected in his incessant desire for you to be the one to look for him, in his longing to know that you would miss him during his absence and in wanting you to look forward to his return. He wanted you to pay attention to him. He needed it.
One fine afternoon the vision of Sunfyre finally appeared in the bright blue of the sky, with you watching from the huge window of your room. He looked majestic, flying deftly and confidently with the rider above him grinning from ear to ear. Aegon had once confessed to you that he loved to fly on his dragon and he spoke about it with a devotion that completely touched you.
You thought about going to look for him, grateful that he had returned, but you were afraid that your presence would bother him or, in that case, that there would be murmurs about you. You didn't want to seem like a desperate wife so you thought it would be best to look for him at dinner time and in case he wanted to see you before, you stayed in your room all afternoon.
Once night fell, you put on one of your prettiest dresses and went to the royal dining room hoping to find him there, but it was in vain. Luckily one of the cooks had seen him and he told you that he was in his room, since he had ordered that something to eat and drink be brought there.
Determined, you made your way there and took a moment before entering. You hoped that the time away from King's landing had not hardened your lover's character, because it would be a shame to waste what you had built for some time and have to start over, or not do it at all, which would be even worse. Since there were no guards at the door, you were able to push the wood without any hindrance and then you saw it.
Aegon was sitting near the fireplace, his back to the entrance and leaning against a table that had a jug that you assumed was full (or not so full anymore) of wine. When he heard your footsteps he turned slightly and when he saw you, he kept a serene expression on his face.
โHey,โ he exclaimed quietly.
โThe maids informed me that you were hereโ you explained and he nodded.
You noticed that he no longer wore his black doublet with the Targaryen emblem, he only kept the breeches of the same color and a mint-colored linen shirt that left part of his chest exposed. His white hair had some natural curls that fell delicately over her shoulders.
โYeah. I don't feel like seeing my parents.โ
โI understandโ you assumed that if he hadn't wanted to see you he wouldn't have hesitated to tell you, so you approached him. Undecided whether you should greet him with a kiss or just stay to the side, you placed your hands on his shoulders and leaned a little to look at him โHow was the trip?โ
โIt was good,โ he responded with reluctance. โBut my body feels completely crushedโ
โHm. It showsโ you whispered, amused. The tension in his body was palpable and that's why you began to massage him, pressing hard just where he needed it. Aegon, feeling your skilled hands doing this, let out a satisfied grunt and leaned his head back with his eyes closed.
Doing that wasnโt something you had planned when you went there, it had only happened out of the heat of the moment and the reality that your husband's body was taking its toll on him for the hours he had spent riding his dragon.
With each passing second Aegon's burden felt lighter and lighter, wondering where you had learned those movements and how your hands were strong enough to exert the right pressure.
"Feel better?" you asked kindly and he nodded immediately, eyes still closed.
Suddenly one of your hands slid lower, towards his chest, to caress him. This time your fingers were light as feathers, sending an electrical current up and down the man's spine under your touch. No whore had ever touched him like that, with that force and at the same time so delicately.
But it was clear that you were not a whore. You were his wife.
โCome here,โ he said firmly, reaching out to wrap his hand around your wrist and pulling you directly into his lap.
It was extremely painful to admit that he had missed you. He was physically frustrated because he hadn't dared to take any other woman in your absence. It had been a long time since he had frequented pleasure houses, since his appetite was awakened only by being with you.
What the hell had you done to him?
โThe cook told me that you ordered some food, but I only see wine around here. Have you already eaten anything?โ
โMhmm,โ he said absently. Your legs dangled to the side and one of his hands came up to your face, brushing your loose hair away from it. The other one surrounded you until it planted itself firmly on your belly. โStill no signs of anything?โ
โHonestly, I don't know. The maesters canโt say with certaintyโฆ I am sorryโ
โWhat if you are sterile?โ the mere possibility of it made you nervous and you wondered what your fate would be if that was the case. Aegon didn't look so worried โWhat a disappointment for Alicent.โ
You didn't know how to take that, because on the one hand it could be that your husband was amused by the irony of the matter and on the other hand it was that he would never have wanted to have children with you. For a moment you thought that the tranquility of the environment had been fragmented by this, but it turned out that the man couldn't care less. He was completely focused on your lips, almost as if hypnotized.
โI trust that is not the case, your grace. Justโฆ it was a streak of bad luck.โ
โI guess so,โ he murmured nonchalantly. He was still watching your mouth when you spoke โBut now I donโt care much about that.โ
He carefully grabbed you by the back of your neck and brought you closer to shorten the distance, giving you an eager kiss that took your breath away. The hand that was on your waist pulled you closer to his body, leaving practically no separation between you and him. You could feel the desperation on his lips and in his touch, like he was eager to make you his. And at the same time, he was kissing you like he had never done before: it was sweet, yearning, passionate. You felt like he really wanted you.
He separated from you so you could breathe and, as best he could, he maneuvered to lift your body until he placed you on the table, where it was easier for him to place himself in the space between your legs. You instinctively placed your hands around his neck and wrapped one of your legs around his body.
โI longed for you. These weeksโ you finally confessed. You heard him, and felt him, breathe more erratically at this because your words had fallen on him with the force of an axe.
From there, Aegon acted solely driven by the feeling of knowing that you had wanted to see him as much as he had wanted to see you.
His entire body leaned over you to kiss you, with the same urgency as at the beginning. While he did that he grabbed you by the lower back, pulling you until your body collided with his crotch which, if it wasn't already hard, wouldn't take long.
His kisses were clumsy due to urgency and after a while he moved away from your mouth to descend to your neck. Sometimes he left a kiss or two, at most, but this time he seemed to want to take his time. His tongue ran all over your skin, freshly washed, and he spread caresses without restraint. Every place the dragon's lips touched lit up with fire and his hips grinding against you weren't doing much for the blush on your cheeks. Inevitably you began to sigh from so many stimuli, right at the level of his ear, which only motivated him to continue.
As best he could he pulled the laces on the back of your dress and it didn't take long to get rid of the restraints. He slid one of your sleeves over your shoulder to begin kissing that section, the same way he had done with your neck. An indiscreet moan escaped you as your husband bit into your soft flesh and you could feel him smile against your skin.
โYou're mine, right?โ he sighed brokenly. You had tilted your head back to give him more space and he took the opportunity to lower the entire torso of your dress. โOnly mineโฆโ
With the same devotion he took care of your breasts and you couldn't do anything but continue alternating between sighs and some muffled moans. You could feel how he longed for you, eager to be able to kiss every inch of your skin even if it took him the entire night. Suddenly your body had become a temple, an object worthy of worship. The prince continued to distribute kisses that each time descended towards your belly, until with one hand he violently threw everything that was on the table and you ended up lying completely on it. Then he walked away.
You were about to ask what had happened when he took care of taking off your ballerina flats and throwing them somewhere far away in the room, only to stretch your leg up to the height of his torso to start kissing it. No one, not even him, had ever done that to you, so it was natural for you to be dismayed. His kisses moved quickly up your thigh and once he did that, he dropped to his knees in front of you. The skirt of your dress blocked your view and when you tried to get up something made you scream. Aegon had bitten into the tender flesh of your thighs, quite close to your crotch and with more force than he had hit your shoulder. You could only imagine his face when he carefully licked the mark he had surely left on you, once again making your chest exhale a moan.
What he did next and the sensation it caused, you could never have even imagined. That mouth, which most of the time was used for ironic puns and sloppy kisses, was now taking expert care of all of your pussy. Aegon was devouring you completely, touching just where it was necessary to make you squirm on the table. He wasn't careful at all; it was a touch hungry and extremely dirty.
You wanted to hold on as much as you could to keep yourself attached to reality, but it was difficult with your husband eating you like that. One of his arms wrapped around your leg and placed it over his shoulder, probably to give him better access. You had never moaned like that in his presence and it only made him harder and harder beneath the tight fabric of his breeches.
The pleasure was barely getting to your head when he stopped and a dissatisfied grunt escaped you shamelessly. Aegon laughed unabashedly at this, pleased at the control he had gained over you, and then went up again to kiss you hungrily. You couldn't do anything but welcome his salty lips and you moaned against him as he leaned against your body and you could feel his crotch, not knowing if it was your own wetness or his that was present.
He held you from behind and, without stopping kissing you, carried you until he placed you on the bed. You considered it somewhat unfair that your husband already had you trembling beneath him and still hadn't taken off a single piece of clothing, but your complaints were silenced when he hurriedly pulled his shirt over his head and took off his breeches in record time. In the same way, he pulled your dress towards your legs so that a second later it ended up on the floor, along with everything else.
He knelt down on the mattress and spread your legs roughly, lining himself up with your entrance. He began to rub the tip of his member up and down your already wet center and that did nothing but drive you crazy again.
When a delicate, pleading, ยซpleaseยป escaped your swollen lips, Aegon knew it was more stimulating to have you begging for him than to worry about only satisfying himself.
He played with you for a while longer, smiling from ear to ear at the sight of his delicate, pretty wife vibrating from having him close, until he finally plunged into you. For the first time there was enough wetness in you that the stroke felt satisfying rather than painful and both of you let out a delicious moan.
He set the pace, slow at first, but after a while his movements became more desperate. He wanted to get to the core of you, he wanted to fill you completely so you knew that only he could make you feel that way. When his body began to ache he leaned towards you, resting each of his arms on the side of your head and looking directly at you. You had stopped looking away from him, now you were looking at him with your mouth open with pleasure, your eyes watery and your pupils dilated on your completely flushed cheeks.
โAegon,โ you sobbed pathetically, clouded by everything you were experiencing and proving that it wasn't long before you reached your orgasm.
You had never called him by his name. You always referred to him as ยซyour graceยป, ยซprinceยป or ยซhusbandยป, at best. So hearing his name come out of your lips like that, under those circumstances, was too much for him to bear.
Knowing that he couldn't last much longer, one of his hands moved down to rest his thumb on your clit and once there he began to make erratic circles. You closed your eyes, completely seized by pleasure and a couple more thrusts were enough to make you lose the battle. Hearing your whimpers, combined with the way your walls squeezed him, was enough to make him cum too. With trembling legs you felt the warm liquid filling you and, for the first time, it was comforting.
When Aegon plopped down next to you, you immediately missed his body warmth. Both of you were breathing heavily, trying to catch the breath that the orgasm had taken from you. You could clearly feel your heartbeat bouncing off your bare chest and the stinging sensation coming from your crotch and running through your entire body was something you could get used to. Your hair had stuck to your face from the sweat and not to mention your lips, which you felt were burning from your husband's attention.
Aegon had already had many orgasms in his life so this time he decided to turn his gaze a little to see you enjoying yours. The mere idea that he was responsible for your condition made him completely shake.
โYou look beautiful,โ he blurted out suddenly. You thought he had heard wrong because of the rush, but from the way he was smiling at you, you highly doubted it. โJust like thatโ
โLike what?โ
โFreshly fucked. Well fuckedโ he corrected himself.
A laugh bubbled up from within you and you blushed even more, if that was possible, perhaps from the nerves and elation of what had just happened. The man stood up a little from his seat and leaned down to kiss you, although this time he did it with a calm and affection that you never thought you would see in him. It was just that he couldn't deny it anymore; from that moment on he would become an open book for you, where you could see all his feelings, desires and fears.
โI don't know why you're doing this,โ you suddenly murmured and Aegon pulled away enough to look at you โAnd I don't know why you've been acting like this these past few months. But I like it. I think it's a good time for you to know."
โYou said I could choose who I am,โ he said meekly. One of his hands grabbed your chin and stole another fleeting kiss from you. โI haven't forgotten, every word is present in my head. It's just... sometimes it's hard. And I thought I would have a better chance with you, even with the things I did to you when we got marriedโ
You smiled at him and were happy to know that the change in his behavior was because of the talk you once had with him. If he continued like this, ignoring the demons inside him and trying to be better, then your marriage had a chance to become more than just a condemnation.
Driven by the pleasant feeling growing in your chest you reached out towards him to reward him with a kiss. The man's breath hitched when you pushed him to the side and reversed roles, now you being the one pampering him while he was lying down. There was a playful glint in your husband's eyes as you looked at him.
โDo you know this is the first time you kissed me?โ he exhaled softly.
You couldn't believe that was possible and for a few seconds you tried to remember so you could contradict him. But every time you remembered you realized that it was always him who initiated the contact to which you only responded, so, effectively, it was the first kiss you gave him out of conviction.
Maybe it was an omen that something good was coming.
Still happy with how everything had turned out, you snuggled into his side, your head resting on his chest while he hugged you and threw a sheet over your bodies. You planted a hand on his bare skin and began drumming your fingers, alternating with small circles made with the greatest delicacy.
You were silent for a long time, you even thought that your husband had fallen asleep until you heard him speak again:
โIt's also the first time I'm doing this.โ
โAre you talking about sex, your grace?โ
โNo, I'm talking about cuddling,โ he confessed softly, his hand caressing your back the same way you did with him, โAnd don't call me your majesty anymore. I am Aegon. Or my prince, at any rate. But my is importantโ
With the affection worthy of a wife, you raised your head to place a kiss on his cheek and assured him that from now on you would call him that in the privacy of your chambers.
Suddenly, after another moment of silence, Aegon pulled you close to him as if afraid you were going to suddenly evaporate. Intending to calm his fears, you climbed until you were on top of his body, hiding your head in his neck so that the distance became minimal.
There was silence for another couple of minutes.
โDo you think I can ever be forgiven?โ
Apparently the atmosphere of the moment had managed to soften the boy's heart.
โWe can all be absolved, Aegon.โ
"And you?"
"Me what?"
โDo you think you can ever love me?โ you were quiet for a second, thinking about your response. Then, he added โOr could you at least try? It would be a nice detail for me. No one has ever done it before.โ
Not wanting to ruin the mood with a false word you decided to kiss his neck gently and that was enough of an answer for him. He would have to trust in your goodwill and that he could continue to restrain his impulses to keep this newly discovered gem that was his wife. With some luck you could even be that person he prayed for so much all his life, one with whom he could feel safe.
The slowing of the man's breathing revealed to you that he had already fallen asleep and you discovered that it seemed not so bad to find yourself in that position, sheltered by your lover's arms.
Under that scenario, the idea of eventually loving Prince Aegon Targaryen no longer sounded so far-fetched.
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cold hands - psh (m)
this work contains smut - minors please do not interact
pairing. sunghoon x fem!reader
synopsis. plot plot plot what is a plot when you can just have vibes and a vague narrative direction... if you MUST know you go to your brother's hockey team back-to-uni party accidentally matching one of the members with your cowgirl barbie costume. hopelessly romantic sunghoon sees this as a sign that the two of you are meant to be together, but you're impossible to read and soon the two of you settle on an ambiguous secret friends with benefits relationship. unfortunately, conflict ensues.
genre. strangers to friends to fwb to lovers..?? its not an asahicore fic if it doesnt have fluff angst AND smut, brothers best friend, jock x nerd type vibe, slight miscommunication put your pitchforks away and hear me out pls it works out i promise, reader has ISSUES ๐ loser loverboy sunghoon, its mostly in his pov, i know nothing about ice hockey
word count. 39.5k ๐
a/n. inspired by @moonlighthoon's request for the 1k trope event! sorry it took ages to write but i hope you like it and that i met ur expectations!!!! hope everyone else enjoys it too, this is the longest fic ive ever written and im quite proud of it, pls pls pls let me know what u thought <333 shoutout to @zreamy .. good luck with your studies, thank u for beta reading and making this fic exponentially better as u always do โญ๏ธ credit to @/plutism for the dividers :)
Some men never think of it.
You did. Youโd come along
And say youโd nearly brought me flowers
But something had gone wrong.
The shop was closed. Or you had doubts -
The sort that minds like ours
Dream up incessantly. You thought
I might not want your flowers.
It made me smile and hug you then.
Now I can only smile.
But, look, the flowers you nearly brought
Have lasted all this while.
- Wendy Cope, Flowers
When Sunghoon falls in love, it usually goes as quickly as it came.
Just to name a few:
There had been Ahn Yujin, whose family had moved next to his when he was twelve, and whose dog got on perfectly with his. His crush on the cute girl next door grew with every walk the four of them took but disappeared the second she ditched him to walk home from school with Na Jaemin.ย
A few years later, there had been Bae Sumin, who sat in front of him and always had her hair up in a ponytail he found exceedingly pretty. An appointment at the hairdresser was enough for him to stop liking her, as if his interest in her had been laying in the ten centimeters of hair she had cut off.ย
In his junior year of high school, there had been Kim Yerim, a college student that tutored him in Math and English. She was three years older, but that didnโt deter himโwhat did was the fact that she was dating a college graduate. She showed him a picture once, and the guy had biceps probably twice the size of Sunghoonโs. He thought it was safer to give up on her than to fight such a bulky guy five years his senior.ย
The first time it stuck was during his first year of college. She was his coachโs daughter and he liked the way she would smile at him when she came to watch their practice. Sunghoon didnโt like to think about her, mainly because even after she broke his heart, for a while there, he continued to love her.ย
So, when he first spots you from across the room at the Welcome Back costume party thrown by his hockey team, unintentionally the Cowboy Barbie to his Cowboy Ken, he tries not to read too much into it. Barbie was a hit this summer, itโs an easy and topical costume, of course thereโs a pretty girl wearing the same bright pink cowboy hat he is. It doesnโt mean sheโs the love of his life.
Right?
He knows you from the pictures that littered the walls of Minjeong, Yunjin and Chaewonโs apartment last year, from Instagram posts, both yours and your friendsโ, from your video calls with Jake, who dragged him into the cameraโs view. Say hi to my sister, heโd insist, like Sunghoon was a child who didnโt want to greet his great-great-aunt. Heโd dip in to say hi as requested, ask how you were, and mumble me too like a fool when you said you heard so much about him and were excited to meet him in real life.ย
These are the things Sunghoon knows about you: Jakeโs older sister by a year, currently on a year abroad in Rome, studies something fancy like Classics, which he hadnโt known people still did in the twenty-first century, deep attachment to Stardew Valley in first year, rarely seen with the same man twice, very pretty. Absurdly so. Heโs also weirdly obsessed over the texts youโve sent to the group chat he was added to at the beginning of last yearโscarce, short, elusive. Never more than two sentences, and always long after the conversation was over. But sometimes youโd send photos and videos out of nowhere, of your adventures or of funny things you saw online, and he always hearted them. He even replied to it sometimes (brave hahas or thatโs so cool!s), in hopes that it would make you like him, would make you think, he gets me.ย
The two of you have never formally yet because you left for Italy the year he started university. Heโs been nervous about meeting you since the first time the group told him about you.ย
Now that he is about to, he can hear his heart thumping so loudly in his ears, it drowns out the bass of the music. Heโs glad he gets to see you before having to talk to youโheโs not sure he could take in your presence and form coherent words at the same time. He watches you laugh with your friends, the smile lines that form like dimples around your mouth, the strands of hair you keep tucking behind your ear. Then someone joins your groupโexcept itโs not just someone, itโs Minjeong, her denim jacket so often worn he recognises her from the back, and he realizes the people youโre with have been Chaewon and Yunjin this whole time. The three of them have been banging on about you all year, even more so due to the fact that their replacement flatmate was dreadful, a Spanish girl who only hung out with other Spanish exchange students and looked the girls up and down when they tried to invite her out somewhere.
You turn towards Minjeong, and before he knows it, heโs in your line of sight, and your eyes meet. Confusion, then a flash of recognition goes through your eyes. He had been resting his elbow on a countertop, cider bottle in hand and watching you, he realizes, not unlike a creep, but now he stands up straight and looks around him as if you hadnโt just caught him staring. Before he can find a way out, Jake appears by his side and throws an arm around his shoulders, guiding him into the throng of party-goers and, coincidentally, closer to you.
โDude, youโll never guess what.โ
โWhat?โ Sunghoon says, tone coming out more irritated than he means it to. Heโs just had to give up on making a good first impression on you, and he doesnโt even have the time to think of a way to redeem himself. When he dares to look back at you, your eyes are already on him, a small smile on your lips. You probably hate him already.
โMy sister is dressed just like you. If I didnโt know any better, Iโd think you guys came together or something. Hey, guys!โ Jake calls out, and all of a sudden, itโs not just your eyes on him, itโs everyoneโs. Well, to be fair, theyโre also looking at Jake. But youโre only looking at Sunghoon, and he canโt look away from you either, canโt even manage the politeness to hug everyone in greeting like Jake is doing now. He watches as your eyes rake over his figure, taking him in, assessing him, and he suddenly feels awkward in his costume that matches yours, like heโs somehow overstepped a boundary, like you might think heโs asked around about your costume, found out you were going as Barbie and decided to match you so youโd think the two of you were meant together, like he had two minutes ago, and come to the fairly reasonable decision that he was the weirdest man on Earth. But then you meet his eyes, smile a kind, genuine smile, and his whole body relaxes.ย
โHey, Hoon!โ Chaewon calls, arms open wide. He remembers himself and hugs everyone, even you, and he has to pretend like this is completely fine and normal, like his hands arenโt practically shaking as his arms circle your shoulders in a two-second embrace.ย
You squeeze one of his shoulders, and keeping his countenance is a Herculean task. He feels like those people centuries ago who passed out at the sight of a ladyโs ankle. โItโs so nice to finally meet you,โ you say, peering at him over the rim of your red cup. โIโve heard so much about you.โ
Sunghoon feels the blush growing on his face; he wasnโt expecting so much of your attention so quickly. He takes a swig of his lukewarm cider, hoping if he seems drunk, it might explain his redness. โGood things, I hope,โ he says, aware of the unoriginality but unable to come up with anything better.
โOh, donโt worry, theyโve made you out to be a saint.โ Youโve not once broken eye contact or stopped smilingโit should intimidate him, but instead, it makes Sunghoon feel like youโve known each other for ages and that this isnโt your first conversation at all. He finds himself able to relax into a smile, and manages to meet your eyes for more than three seconds at a time.
โYou donโt believe them?โ
You pause, gaze zeroing in on him even more intensely than previously, smile turning smirk-like. Sunghoonโs heart skips a beat. Okay, maybe heโs not that relaxed. โI donโt know you well enough to make up my mind yet. But weโll be seeing plenty of each other from now on, wonโt we?โ
This is exactly what Sunghoon has been warned about. You at parties, the way you look at guys, the way you talk to them. Sunghoon has been the audience of more than one recreation of such a scene, Yunjin pretending to be you, Chaewon pretending to be your โvictim,โ as the others liked to call them. Because once you had set your eyes on a man, he had little chance of making it out. Jay prides himself as being the only survivor, although he has to admit itโs only because Jake interrupted your conversation, telling him, โI see youโve met my sister.โ And Jay was not the kind of person that got off with their friendsโ siblings, especially since his and Jakeโs friendship was only a week long at that point, and he didnโt want to ruin the atmosphere in their dorm for the rest of the year just because his dick had gotten the best of him. His words. Whenever they were all hanging out together and they called you, one of the girls would inevitably ask if you had โturned any Italian boys into menโ or if you had been โterrorizing the good men of Rome recently.โ You would either roll your eyes or say this was not a conversation to be had in front of your brother.
Sunghoon had been sure they were exaggeratingโit takes two to tango, as they say, and it wasnโt like you ensnared innocent men into your trap. They had to be willing, to want something from you just as much as you wanted something from them. Heโd also gotten them to admit it wasnโt that frequent, that you werenโt looking for a new prey every party, just once in a while when you found someone you liked. (Heโd been very quiet when Jay asked why he was trying so hard to defend you.)
But now that he is on the receiving end of your alluring smiles, he starts to understand how one could fall for you without meaning to. He knows he canโt โ Jake probably wouldnโt take to it kindly, and he didnโt want to spoil the dynamic of his best group of friends at uni โ but he has a feeling that ten minutes of talking to you would be enough to shake his resolve.
โOh, yeah, Iโm sure we will. Jake said you studied a lot, but Iโm sure weโll get to hang out. All of us, I mean,โ he quickly adds, lest you think heโs already asking you to hang out one-on-one. Sunghoon would not be that forward.
โOf course. I have to see if you did a good enough job replacing me for a year.โ Sunghoonโs eyes widen, and before he can blurt out something weirdly laudatory like โI could never replace you, I would never even try, I donโt know you but youโre clearly far superior to me in every aspect and I could never even claim to fill your spot,โ you giggle and tell him itโs just a joke. โIf anything, Iโm happy Jake has managed to make a new friend that he didnโt meet through me, that loser,โ you say, and together, you laugh at Jakeโs loserness, a topic that will never fail to amuse Sunghoon, although heโs not faring much better in that department.ย
โLike, look at him right now,โ you say, jerking your head in Jakeโs general direction, somewhere behind Sunghoonโs shoulderโand thatโs when he realizes that itโs just the two of you standing there, the others gone without him even noticing. Sunghoon turns around, finding the girls, Jay, and a bunch of other people he vaguely recognizes huddled around Jake. They all start chanting his name as he gulps down a giant red cup of beer, then raises the empty cup over his head in victory and crumples it, beaming at the people around him.ย
โWhat is he doing?โ Sunghoon asks, laughing at his friend.
โJay called him over for a beer-off,โ you explain. After a beat, you ask, โYou didnโt notice?โ
The implications are clear in your tone and in your eyes. In the smile playing on your lips, just shy of being a smirk. You didnโt notice because of me, is what youโre really telling Sunghoonโat least, thatโs the impression heโs getting. And youโd be right. He was too busy talking to you and trying his best not to make a fool of himself to notice his friends leaving, too engrossed with you to register the sudden disappearance of four people. Across the room, where people have shifted their attention to yet another hockey player downing a sizable amount of beer, he catches Chaewonโs eyes, and she winks at him. Of courseโleave it to Chaewon, to whom Sunghoon once made the mistake of drunkenly rambling about how pretty you looked in your Instagram posts last year, to give you and Sunghoon some time alone, โto get to know each other properly,โ she would probably say. Although he isnโt sure that small talk over 2000s music counts as getting to know someone. According to the others, she and Yunjin started dating a month into their second year, so Chaewon has proclaimed herself as the goddess of dating and is now always trying to set people up. Sunghoon thinks sheโs just living vicariously through her friends now that she has a Mrs. at home.
Because the filter usually at work between the part of Sunghoonโs brain where sentences are formed and his mouth is apparently on leave today, he says, โI do have a pretty distracting sight in front of me.โ Heโs immediately both mortified and impressed by this sudden bout of confidence, but then you look down and giggle, actually giggle, the sweetest sound heโs ever heard, and only pride remains.ย
โSo, Ken?โ you ask, a cute attempt to change the subject, taking the fabric of the pink bandana around his neck between your fingers. Sunghoon wonders if youโre going to yank him down to your level, and he thinks he wouldnโt have much of a problem with that.ย
He realizes that even though you should technically know each otherโs names, you havenโt actually exchanged them, so in a confused but correcting tone, he says, โUm, Sunghoon.โ He only belatedly realizes that you hadnโt gotten his name wrong, you were just making a comment on his costume, which he had completely forgotten he was wearing in the first place. Just as heโs about to backtrack and salvage what he can of the situation, you burst into laughter, hand leaving his bandana to cover your mouth as he hides his face behind his own hands, laughing along with you despite himself.ย
โI know your name is Sunghoon!โ you exclaim. The gratification of hearing you say his name takes away some of his embarrassment. โIโm Y/N, by the way. Not Barbie.โ
Sunghoon nods. โGood to know.โ
The laughter gradually dies down, but your smile stays the same; wide, bright, a smile that exposes your teeth and turns your eyes into crescents. Sunghoon canโt look away. Heโs awash with nerves, your gaze simultaneously planting his feet to the ground like theyโre full of lead and making him light-headed. His heart is beating so fast, he can barely feel it anymore.ย
The two of you stand there, looking and smiling at each other, like in a clichรฉ movie scene where everyone else at the party seems to fade into the background. He has no idea how much time has passed when you break the silence. โIt really is nice to finally meet you,โ you say, repeating your statement from earlier, as though you mean it more now.ย
โIt is,โ Sunghoon simply replies, because he doesnโt know how else to express the relief of seeing you in the flesh after hearing about you and looking at a digital version of you for a year. The relief, but also the anticipation of what is to come now that he knows he likes you even more now that heโs actually seen you. And improbable as it sounds, you might even feel the same.
Sunghoon can already feel it. The beginning of something.
You nod towards his now empty cup. โWant a refill?โ
Together, you make your way through the crowd of increasingly drunk students until you reach the kitchen, where the countertops overflow with open bottles of liquor of all sorts and paper plates with half-eaten pizza slices on them. He watches your every move as you find a cold bottle of beer in the fridge, a bottle of strawberry syrup in a random cupboard that you had to know was there, and a half-empty discarded bottle of lemonade on the counter. You ask him to tell you about last year, everything you missed out on, and so he does. He knows youโve probably heard it all from the others before, but you still laugh and gasp like itโs the first time youโre hearing about any of it, all the hockey games they won, Jay getting food poisoning from the sketchy pizzeria he kept eating at, Yunjin almost getting into a fistfight with a man twice her size who was flirting with Chaewon.ย
You assemble two drinks and hand him one of them. When he takes a sip, his eyes widen at the refreshing and sweet taste. โGood, right?โ you say. โI discovered it on a trip to France last summer.โ
โThank God for France. I think thatโs the first time Iโve ever enjoyed drinking beer,โ he says.
โThatโs probably because you canโt taste the beer at all.โ
Sunghoon smiles. โProbably, yeah.โ
You turn around, lower back against the counter, and take in the current kitchen population. โWe really werenโt very original with our costumes tonight.โ Sunghoon, who had not taken his eyes off of you this entire time, follows your gaze. He counts five partygoers dressed in some version of Barbie or Ken, and thatโs just the kitchen. He doesnโt blame themโthe fact that so many people came dressed in costumes at all impresses him, especially for a party on the 10th of September and not the 31st of October. The social committee of the hockey team just seems to really love themed and dress-up parties.
He chuckles, then takes a sip of his drink. Itโs really nice. โYeah, but we look the best.โ
Your head whips towards him, eyes glinting with something that makes Sunghoon smile, even though he doesnโt know what youโre thinking. โShould we enter the coupleโs costume contest?โ you ask.
At the mention of couple, his eyes widen, his brain tricking him into thinking youโve asked him out for a second. But when what you actually meant dawns on him, the first thing to come out of his mouth is, โThereโs a coupleโs costume contest?!โ
โMh-hm. The sign-up sheet should be around here.โย
For what feels like the millionth time since heโs started talking to you, his face heats up. โAre non-couples allowed to enter?โ
โWeโre Barbie and Ken. Iโd say thatโs enough of a couple, donโt you think?โย
Right. Because he had been thinking of Sunghoon and Y/N, while you obviously meant Barbie and Ken. In the contest, it doesnโt actually matter whether the contestants are dating in real lifeโit matters that their costumes match. Sunghoon knows that. He just needed a second.
He grins, deep dimples punctuating his cheeks. โOkay, letโs do it.โ
Armed with your drinks, you walk around the kitchen in search of the sign-up sheet. You find it on a wall next to the dining table, which has been turned into a beer pong table for tonightโs festivities, and the sheet is almost filled with names already. Sunghoon can only hope that by midnight, when the contest is set to take place, most participants will have had too much to drink to remember it. You write your names on the list, and Sunghoon likes seeing his name in your handwriting so much he almost wants to take a picture.
โThere you guys are!โ
You both turn around to find Jake stumbling towards you, clearly more intoxicated than when he had left you half-an-hour ago. He rests his arms on your shoulders, forcing Sunghoon down to his height and making you stumble forwards from the sudden added weight. โIโve been looking all over for you- Youโre entering the contest?!โ
For a split second, Sunghoon is scared heโs going to get scolded by Jake for trying to hit on his sister, but surprisingly, itโs you he narrows his eyes at. โY/N, what are you roping my little Hoonie into?โ
Sunghoon groans, face perpetually red at this point. Leave it to Jake to make him seem like a total loser.ย
You frown at your brother. โIโm not roping your little Hoonie into anything.โ Sunghoon wants to bury himself alive. โWe agreed on doing it together. Right?โ you ask, turning towards Sunghoon and batting your eyelashes at him. It makes him feel a bit better.
He turns back to Jake. โRight. Weโre just joining forces to crush the competition.โ
Jake scoffs. โAs if.โ He snatches the pen from your hands and underlines his name as well as Kazuhaโs, the girl he came with tonight, three thick black lines that almost erases the names underneath them. โYou canโt beat the hockey player and cheerleader combo.โ
โThose arenโt even costumes, you guys are a hockey player and a cheerleader,โ you protest.
โSo?โ Jake simply retorts, more attitude in his tone than he would have were he sober.
โSo, that defeats the whole purpose of a costume contest.โ
Jake knocks on your cowboy hat, and you immediately put it back in place, glaring at him. โAs if Barbie was the greatest costume ever. Whatever, letโs just play beer pong so I can defeat you guys twice in one night.โ
โYouโre on, Sim.โ
โYouโre going down, Sim.โ
Sunghoon had just been watching your back-and-forth amusedly when you grab his hand, leading him to the side of the table opposite Jake. His fingers tingle under your touch, but just like that, itโs gone. Heโd rather keep on holding your hand than play this stupid game, but he isnโt opposed to taking Jakeโs ego down a notch, either. The boy can barely stand straight, anyway, so it probably wonโt be a very tough match.
Some guy he doesnโt recognize in a striped black-and-white referee t-shirt fills most cups with beer and a couple on each side with shots of vodkaโheโs so earnest, Sunghoon isnโt sure whether heโs just taking his costume-slash-role very seriously or if he has genuinely been hired to look over the beer pong matches of the night. Some order in the brutish world of college parties, Sunghoon guesses.
Minjeong, Yunjin, Chaewon and Jay appear then, exchanging a quick look at the sight of you and Sunghoon together. The two former join your team, while the two latter join Jakeโs, as well as other people that Sunghoon vaguely recognizes from other parties. But by the simple action of getting behind him, they become his most trusted allies for at least this part of the night.
Youโre a terrible shot, but Sunghoon makes up for it by scoring almost every round. In his defense, he only misses when you come up close to him and whisper in his ear which cup he should go for. Your breath tickles his (oddly sensitive) ears and the combined scents of the strawberry and lemonade on your tongue and your delicate perfume make his head spin. He can barely think straight, so his aim is naturally thrown offโother than that, he makes Jay drink a healthy amount of beer. He almost feels bad for his friend, but heโd arrived late at the party and needed to quickly catch up with everyoneโs level of ebriety anyway.
When the opposite team is down to their last cup, a lightning bolt of luck strikes you, and your ball disappears straight into the vodka-filled cup that Jake now has the honor of downing.ย
Sunghoon gives you no time to celebrate, to gloatingly pump your fists in the air and point a mocking finger at your brother, because as soon as you make the shot, he wraps his arms around your waist and lifts you off the ground. When youโre on your feet again, you spin around to find a proud-looking Sunghoon beaming down at you. You burst into giggles and high-five him, your palms perfectly clapping against each other, and he threads your fingers together. A current of electricity rushes through him, and for a second, he swears itโs just the two of you in this packed room.
The moment is cut short by the loud cheers of the others on your team as they shake your shoulders and raise their hands for you to high-five them too. Minjeong flips the other team off and Yunjin has to go hug Chaewon and reassure her itโs nothing personal. Itโs really quite easy to make college students happyโor devastated.ย
You raise your eyebrows at Jake, whoโs busy glaring at you instead of accepting his defeat and taking his shot. With a begrudging sigh, he tips his head back and drinks the vodka in one gulp, the cheers doubling in volume when his face scrunches at the bitter taste of the liquor.
โDonโt act so proud,โ he scolds you. โSunghoon carried your team.โ
โMaybe, but she made us win in the end,โ Sunghoon retorts, putting an arm around your shoulder.ย
Jake scoffs, frowning at Sunghoonโs hand placement before eye-rolling his gaze away. โWhatever.โ He slides his phone out of his back pocket and smiles as he shows the two of you his screen. โWould you look at the time? The contest is starting soon.โ Then, with an accusatory finger pointed at you, adds, โYou may have won this battle, but Iโm winning the war.โ
He stomps away, presumably to find Kazuha before the contest starts, and itโs your turn to eye-roll at his dramatics. You grab Sunghoonโs hand that hangs off of your shoulders, and together, make your way through the crowd again to the garage, where the contest is taking place. All the alcohol heโs been drinking has definitely started kicking in by now, and he finds himself giggling at nothing with you.
When you reach the threshold, still hand in hand, Sunghoon stops so abruptly behind you that you almost stumble. You look back at him, then follow his gaze towards the garage and the sheer amount of people in there. Worriedly, his eyes take in every single one of the contenders. You let go of his hand and stand in front of him, placing your hands on his shoulders and putting on a determined expression. Youโd almost look like a parent reassuring their kid before their first day of kindergarten if you werenโt so much shorter than him. โDonโt even worry about them, Sunghoon. We look better than anyone here.โ
His eyebrows crease. โThereโs like, three other Barbie-Ken couples here. Some of these costumes are so original. And do you see their makeup? Is that even possible?โ he asks, staring at a couple in scarily realistic cosplay of Simon and Jeanette from Alvin and the Chipmunks, fur and all. He canโt look at them for too long without getting chills.
You shake your head. โAlmost everyone here is either a hockey player or aโฆ hockey-affiliated person. Youโre the beloved and talented defenseman of the team and Iโm the star playerโs sister. Theyโll love us,โ you say with a smile, watching the worry dissipate from his features.
โWeโre like nepo babies,โ he whispers. His lips break into a grin when your eyebrows furrow in confusion. โI donโt know how nepotism works,โ he admits, smiling wider when you burst into laughter. โHow do you know if Iโm talented, anyway? You havenโt seen me play yet.โ
Your eyes rake him up and down appreciatively. โI took a wild guess.โ
Not unlike a cartoon character, Sunghoon audibly gulps. As a hockey player since his most tender age, and dare he say, a pretty good-looking guy, he is used to girls flirting with him, and he is even hit sometimes by the occasional lightning strike of confidence that allows him to flirt back (he still canโt believe he managed to call you โa distracting sightโ without spontaneously combusting). But thereโs something in your eyes, in your smile, in the way you talkโsomething about you that has his breath hitching and his heart racing. He doesnโt know if he wants to run away and hide in a corner or kiss you right then and there.
Heeseung, the captain of the hockey team, announces into a microphone (which Sunghoon wonders where they got the money for) that the contest will start now, so he can neither kiss you nor run away. Instead, he follows you to the side of the room where all the contestants, including Jake and Kazuha, wait for their names to be called out. There are so many participants, it takes way longer than Sunghoon would like for the two of you to step onto the makeshift stage. Judging by the looks on the audienceโs faces, everyone is surprised to see you and Sunghoon togetherโthe hockey community at your university may be big, but everyone knows everyone, and gossip travels fast. No one had seen you and Sunghoon together before, for the obvious reason that you hadnโt even met before tonight. But you could be sure that by tomorrow, as silly as it sounds, word will have gone around that you and Sunghoon had participated in a couple costume contest together.ย
At least, you give them something of substance to talk aboutโas you and Sunghoon pose on stage, wearing your brightest smiles to please the crowd, you stand on your toes and press a kiss to Sunghoonโs cheek. Sunghoonโs eyes burn a hole in the side of your face but you just watch as the audience of drunken 20-somethings goes wild over something as simple as a peck on the cheek. Jake is the only one booing.ย
Sunghoon is still in shock when the next couple is called forward and you have to step off. His cheeks are redder than before and he canโt quite meet your eyes. Apparently, he also goes wild over something as simple as a peck on the cheek. You nudge his shoulder. โSee, I told you theyโd like us.โย
He feels like a fourteen-year-old for it, but Sunghoon canโt stop thinking about your soft lips against his cheek, so much so that he barely says a word as the three judges deliberate. If you notice the sudden change in his behavior, you donโt comment on it, perhaps chalking it up to nerves. Heโs glad for itโhe doesnโt know if he could handle being teased about it, especially from you. Although heโs not sure he wants you to think heโs the kind to stress over a last-minute Halloween costume contest.ย
In the end, you donโt win. He suspects it was a rigged contest all along: the couple in the unimpressive Edward and Bella costume are friends with one of the judges, probably leading to their anticlimactic victory. At least it isnโt Simon and Jeannette who win, or Kazuha and Jake, even less original than the winners. Anyway, Sunghoon couldnโt care any less. With your hand in his as you walk back to the main room in search of your other friends, he feels like the biggest victor of the night. He doesnโt even mind it when his teammates tease him about his costume and how good the two of you look togetherโthe smile you shoot him makes putting up with it worth it. He tries to think straight, but between the alcohol and your proximity, he feels like youโve cast a spell on him.
Jake stumbles into your group, three drinks drunker than when Sunghoon last saw him, enthusiastically reporting that a game of spin the bottle is about to start in one of the rooms upstairs, because what every college party needs is a middle-school game to shake things up. None of the guys seem particularly interested until Jake reveals that the cheerleaders are playing.ย
Sunghoon looks down at you, laughing when he sees your mildly disgusted moue. โDonโt feel like playing?โ
โNot really, no.โ Your eyes linger on his face. โThereโs only one person here I want to kiss, anyway.โ
All capacity for thought leaves Sunghoonโs brain. He just stares back at you blankly, lips slightly agape, willing himself to say something but also terrified that whatever leaves his mouth might make him seem like the biggest loser ever.ย
You couldnโt possibly mean himโbut did you? Was he the person you wanted to kiss?
As these questions resound through his head, your gaze drops to his lips. Thereโs his answer.ย
His heart beating wildly in its cage, Sunghoon decides to do one smart thing tonight and leans in, slowly but surely closing the gap between the two of you. Then a sudden vibration in the back pocket of his jeans zaps through him like lightning and he jumps back, as if startled out of the trance you had put him in. Shame flooding his cheeks, he checks his phone; itโs the stupid alarm he set himself earlier to make sure he doesnโt get home too late. Midnight, Cinderella-style.ย
You scratch the back of your neck as your eyes dart around the room. For the first time tonight, you look embarrassedโSunghoon is in disbelief at how pretty you look even then. โI, um,โ he starts, clears his throat. โI have this thing tomorrow morning, so I canโt stay too longโฆโ he says guiltily.
He doesnโt want to get his hopes up, but he swears that what he sees on your face is disappointment. It makes him want to take it all back, to stay here with you for as long as you want and forget about tomorrow morning.ย
โOh, right,โ you say, nodding. โThatโs fine. What thing?โ
โOh.โ Sunghoon turns an impossibly deeper shade of red, further resembling the strawberry syrup the more he gets himself in these embarrassing situations with you. โJustโฆ choir. I go to choir on Saturday mornings.โ He looks down at his feet like heโs just revealed a secret, shameful part of himself.
You burst into laughter, and Sunghoon is scared for a second that youโre making fun of him, and his feelings are a lot more hurt than they should be by someone he just met. Although, to be fair, you donโt feel like someone he just met.
โThatโs so cool! It must be such a nice change from all the dudes on the hockey team,โ you say, a sweet, curious smile on your lips. Like you mean what you say. Like you might want to know more.
Sunghoon thinks he just fell in love.
He chuckles. โYeah. Definitely a nice change. As much as I love hockey, itโs nice to do something calmer, you know. And I like singing. And the cakes the local grandmas bring.โ
โSo thatโs what itโs all about, really.โ
โYep, you caught me.โ Sunghoon still feels the almost-kiss lingering, a tension between the two of you that has him on edge. He feels like heโs just missed his bus because it left a minute earlier than planned. The opportunity is gone, and he would definitely mess everything up, trying to kiss you now. So instead, he decides to leave. Whatever must happen, will happen, even if itโs not tonight. You have the same friendsโthis is definitely not the last time you will see each other. โWell, I should probably head. I have to be up at eight tomorrow.โ
โOh, wow. The choir grandmas donโt play around.โ
โThey really donโt.โ
โWell, see you around then,โ you say, a clumsy laugh falling from your lips as you wrap your arms around Sunghoonโs neck, bringing him into a tight but short hug. You also smell good, he notes to himself. Of course you do.
โSee you, Y/N.โ Just as heโs about to turn away, you wrap your hand around his wrist.
โWait. Sunghoon?โ Heโs only half-surprised at the immense relief he feels to hear his name on your lips. Like you, too, didnโt want to part with him just yet.
โYeah?โ he says, wishing the hope and anticipation arenโt too obvious on his face.
โWhereโs that choir of yours?โ
--
When Sunghoon arrives at his neighborhoodโs community center, ten minutes before nine a.m., youโre already there. Despite the seven hours of sleep under his belt, he feels like he couldโve done with three more, and the singular cup of instant black coffee he had for breakfast was both atrocious and useless. But your smile has the restorative effect of two Red Bulls and a power nap. You look surprisingly bright, like you either managed to get a very good nightโs sleep or are just the biggest morning person to ever exist.
He hugs you when he reaches you on the sidewalk, tighter than he probably should, but you return it. You smell like fresh soap and sugar. The two of you exchange quick greetings before he leads you inside the center.ย
โI made some cookies as well.โ You point to your tote bag and Sunghoonโs jaw slackens.
โYou had time to bake?โย
โKazuha made me take Jรคgerbombs, so I felt crazy when I got home. I thought it wouldnโt be fair on the old ladies if they did all the work.โ
Sunghoon laughs. โTheyโre going to love you.โ
You follow Sunghoon up two flights of stairs and into a spacious room with a wooden stage. Thereโs a snacks table on one side of the room that is almost fully decked with plates and tupperwares of all sorts, and although their contents remain covered by tin foil or lids, the coffee and hot water pots are free to use. Most of the chairs are stacked on each side of the room but a few have been put in the middle, the grandmas sitting and chatting there waving at Sunghoon as the two of you walk in. There are about fifteen people in the room so far, most of them older ladies, but not only. Thereโs a dad that came with his daughter, a couple of teenagers, and a few other adults. Itโs quite an eclectic mix, and Sunghoon loves it.
Minjeong is here, too, which Sunghoon realizes he forgot to say until he sees the sheer confusion of finding someone you know in an unexpected place on both of your faces. She walks towards you, suspicious eyes darting between you two.
โHey,โ she says only to Sunghoon before turning to you, arms crossed over her chest. โAnd what are you doing here?โ
โHi, Minjeong, so nice to see you too!โ
โI invited Y/N,โ Sunghoon says quickly, although you did technically invite yourself. For some reason, he feels the need to defend you, even though he knows you and Minjeong have been friends for years now, and Minjeong is just always this blunt.
โI didnโt know this was the choir you went to,โ you say to Minjeong.
โOh, this?โ She looks around the room. โItโs only the choir Iโve been going to since I was a kid. Youโd know that if today wasnโt the first day you showed interest in it, ever.โ
โI came to your concerts!โ
One of the old ladies calls Sunghoonโs name from the snack table, and he is glad for the diversion. โRight. Iโll let you guys talk this out.โ A hand on your shoulder, he smiles down at you. โIโm gonna say hi to the ladies over there. Be back in a minute.โ He shoots Minjeong a look as if to say, Be normal.ย
As he approaches the small group, one of them asks very loudly if youโre his girlfriend. They all burst into giggles, blushing and eager-eyed like theyโre sixteen rather than sixty. Sunghoon would be endeared if you didnโt look so alarmed and Minjeong so horrified, both of you looking at him before turning back to each other and getting into a very heated and secretive discussion. He is bombarded with a hundred questions: what your name is, where youโre from, how did the two of you meet, are you together? No? But youโre so pretty! And heโs such a nice boy! He answers all of their queries to the best of his ability while checking that your conversation with Minjeong hasnโt turned physicalโyour arms are now also crossed over your chest, and you look annoyed while she looks like sheโs accusing you of something, but at least, punches arenโt being thrown.ย
Thankfully, itโs only a couple more minutes until the conductor calls for everyone to gather on stage, and a weight is lifted off of Sunghoonโs shoulders once the ladiesโ collective attention is no longer on him. He isnโt sure where they came from, or why theyโve decided to make the choir rehearsal their hang-out spot, but there is always a group of women who sit there and knit while chatting quietly or listening to the songs, and they are sometimes joined by children whose parents are part of the choir but donโt want to sing themselves and apparently have nowhere else to go. Sunghoon had been so excited at the prospect of having you come see him that he hadnโt thought of how boring this might be for you, sitting with sixty-year-olds for two hours, listening to an amateur choir go through scales and sing corny romance balladsโtheyโre rehearsing for a wedding theyโve been hired to sing at. But as the minutes go by, his worry dissipates when the delighted smile on your face hardly falters. He canโt imagine that his choir is that good, but you genuinely look like youโre having a nice time, and it makes Sunghoon stand a little taller, sing a little louder. Your eyes are on him for most of the time, and he blushes every time your gazes meet, but he still canโt keep himself from looking away from the conductor to check on you every few seconds.ย ย ย
Once rehearsal is over, everyone gathers around the refreshments table. When you tell Sunghoon that he looked good out there, he stuffs his mouth with banana bread to stop himself from blurting out something stupid. Your cookies are a hit, and so is everything elseโSunghoon would be more than happy to watch you eat as many baked goods as you possibly can and chat with the grandmas, but he has something to ask you. Without thinking much, he wraps his fingers around your wrist, gently pulling you away from the table and towards him. The question that was at the tip of his tongue fades as soon as you meet his eyes, looking up at him like a deer caught in headlights, cheeks stuffed with brownie. Youโre so cute that words fail him for a second, and when he notices the proximity between the two of you, takes a small, bashful step backwards. You glance at his hand still around your wrist, and he withdraws it like heโs suddenly been burned.ย
A playful smile grows on your lips. โEverything alright?โ
He scratches the back of his head. โYeah, yeah, everythingโs fine. I just, um, well. Thereโs a bus that takes us from right across the street directly to the beach, if youโre, um, if youโre interested. In going. With me. If you want.โ
Your eyebrows cock in surprise, and Sunghoon thinks heโs messed it all up. You shoot Minjeong a quick, worried glance, then seem to think for a second. But when you look back to him, your smile is soft. โThat sounds nice.โ
An hour later, youโre running around together on the beachโor rather, Sunghoon is running around, and after five minutes of watching him with a smile on your face, heโs convinced you to run around with him. Youโve both long discarded your shoes and socks, jeans scrunched up to your mid-calves, grins so wide, your cheeks start to hurt. The wet sand is hard under your feet and the water cold against your skin. Sunghoonโs t-shirt sticks everywhere you sprayed water on him, and he knows putting his shoes on later will be a whole ordeal, but it doesnโt bother him. Even the gray September sky feels brighter because youโre standing with him underneath it.ย
The water-splashing battle quickly has you both out of breath, and Sunghoon is ready to call a truce when you spot something behind him, gasping and running towards it. He turns around to find you picking up a bunch of sandcastle-building toys that mustโve been left behind by some kids. โI havenโt built a sandcastle in such a long time, this is so exciting,โ you say, excitement written all over your face.ย
As much as he loves seeing the glint of childish amusement in your eyes, Sunghoon keeps looking around in case the owners of these toys might appear out of thin air. โI feel like thereโs something immoral about this,โ he says, and you stop stacking sand into one of the toys to look at him with a confused frown. โArenโt we technically stealing from some kids?โ
โSunghoon. If those kids really cared about these plastic toys, they wouldnโt have left them here.โ
โWhat if they come back for them?โ
โThen weโll give them back. Weโre not monsters.โ Thatโs all it takes for Sunghoon to give in. He helps dig trenches around the towers you build, carving out small windows on them and apologizing profusely when he accidentally pokes too hard into one of them, destroying half of it.ย
The second he notices you shivering, Sunghoon is on his feet, unwrapping the scarf around his neck and laying it like a blanket over your shoulders. โIโm going to get us something warm to drink. Iโll be back in a minute!โ he announces before you can even protest, and practically runs to the nearest cafรฉ.ย
He only leaves you and the slightly pathetic-looking sandcastle alone for a minute, quickly coming back with two take-away cups of milky Earl Grey tea and a brownie that he couldnโt help himself from buying. The moan you let out when you bite into it, gooey, sweet chocolate sticking to your teeth, goes straight down Sunghoonโs spine, but he tries not to let his thoughts get too carried away.
โGood, right?โ he asks, laughing when you nod fervently. When you laugh too, itโs a sound so sweet, it rivals the decadence of the brownie. โI sometimes make the trip all the way here just for this.โ
โI thought Iโd be done with sweets after this morning, but this is so good.โ
โBetter than Bertaโs banana bread?โ
โOh, a hundred percent,โ you say, covering your mouth with your hand as you speak. โSorry, Berta. Iโll be thinking about this for the rest of my life.โ
Sunghoon hopes youโll remember him as the boy whoโd introduced you to those brownies, if nothing else.
The two of you are silent for a little bit, but itโs a comfortable silenceโsomething Sunghoon didnโt know was possible with someone heโd just met. This was something he loved about the sea: it allowed for some quiet. The crashing of the waves against the shore, the calls of the seagulls, the dogs barking after themโit all meant he didnโt need to fill the space with needless chatter. He could look out at the peaceful water, you by his side, and just enjoy the moment.
โIโm still so amazed whenever I come to the beach, no matter how many times itโs been.โ Sunghoonโs voice is quiet when he speaks, lower than usual. It sounds a lot more intimate than he means it to be. You turn your head to look at him, silently asking him to go on. Thereโs a small smile playing on his lips, a twinkle in his eyes as he watches the water. โThe town I grew up in is right in the middle of the country, so the sea is like, a five-hour drive. There was a lake nearby, but it was nothing compared to this. It might sound silly, but being from somewhere where everyone knows each other, I never realized just how big the world was until I came here and saw the sea for the first time.โ
โYouโd never been to the sea before coming here?โ you ask, surprise clear in your voice.ย
He shakes his head. โMy hometown isnโt far from the mountains, so itโs a huge tourist spot both in the winter and in the summer, which meant my mom had to work even when my sister and I were out of school and could actually go on holiday. Weโd go visit my grandparents and aunts when we found the time, but that was it.โ He meets your gaze, a smile playing on his lips at the thought of his hometown and his family. โThis is the furthest Iโve ever been from home.โย
The corners of your lips raise into a smile too, matching Sunghoonโs. โAnd how has that been going?โ
He sighs. โItโs okay. I miss my mom and sister like crazy, of course, but they FaceTime me so much that I barely notice it. And anyways, itโs also nice to be on my own. Discover another part of myself, and all that.โ
โFor sure.โย
Thereโs a slight shift in your expression that Sunghoon catches onto, a falter in your smile and a hint of sadness in your eyes. He doesnโt want to force a topic that you donโt want to talk about, so he just gently eggs you on, in case all you need is a small push.
โWhat about you? I think Jake mentioned you guys growing up around here, only an hour or so away.โ
At the mention of your brother, the smile returns to your eyes. You take a deep breath and think for a bit, but eventually, you start talking. Although Sunghoonโs eyes are on you, you keep yours trained on the sea. โYeah, we did. We live just up the coast, so we were always hanging out at the beach. In a way, itโs nice having the sea here as well. Itโs like-I donโt know.โ
โLike having a piece of home even when youโre away?โ
Your gazes meet for just a second, the surprise clear in your eyes, but as quickly as it came, itโs gone, and you turn away from Sunghoon once more. โBasically, yeah.โ A sardonic smile appears on your lips. โAlthough the constant reminder isnโt always appreciated.โย
He tilts his head. When you donโt say anything further, he flicks some sand onto your hand and asks you what you mean by that. He looks at you with curiosity and kindness only, eager to know more about you, to let you know that you can open up to him, that he wonโt judge you, but careful not to overstep any boundaries either. It seems to work.
โIt might sound stupid, but back home, the beach was a place I could go to when it all was a bit too much, you know? Like an escape from everyday life. Where I could forget about all of the pressure on my shoulders.โ Sunghoon hums, and you take another deep breath. โI donโt know if you and Jake talk about this sort of thing, butโฆ our parents are barely nice when we do well, and pretty awful when we donโt reach their expectations. So we were like, constantly having to outdo ourselves just for them to say, โKeep it upโ, or something like that. And if we did something wrong, wellโฆโ
You trail off, but Sunghoon knows what you mean. โYeah, Jake said they barely spoke to him anymore because he decided to play hockey instead of becoming, like, a doctor or something.โ
You smile, but itโs humorless. โYep. They send him money, and he comes home for a bit over Christmas and summer break, but thatโs it. Iโve gone home by myself sometimes and they wonโt even mention him, itโs insane.โ
โHe also doesnโt talk about it a lot.โ
โI know. Iโm always the one to bring it up. I know itโs a sensitive topic for him, obviously, but I still find it amazing how well he deals with it. But meโฆ despite everything, I still need their approval, you know?โ you ask, and Sunghoon nods.
โThat makes sense.โ
You sigh. โI guess. And Iโm obviously not becoming a doctor like them. Not a medical one, at least. It took a year of convincing them that doing the degree Iโm doing was okay. โCause at the end of the day, itโs still me filling in my university applications, and they canโt actually force me to go to medical school, but I still wanted them to be proud of me. Even if I study languages.โ Itโs quiet for a few seconds as you both look out at the waves crashing against the shore. When you start talking again, you look down at the sand, picking it up and letting it filter through your fingers. โSo, yeah. Jake got a scholarship here, and I didnโt wanna be too far from home, so here we are. Weโre so close to home, the sea I went to when I needed a break in high school and the sea I go to now are one and the same. And now it reminds me of my parents rather than making me forget about them.โ
โIโm sorry for bringing you here,โ Sunghoon says. โI didnโt thinkโฆโ
You cut him off with a smile. โItโs okay. Now Iโve created new memories. Nice ones. And you knowโฆ wherever I am, itโll be at the back of my mind. Itโs up to me whether I let it affect my life or not.โ
โLetting go of these things is never easy,โ Sunghoon offers. โYou also canโt blame yourself if it does affect you sometimes.โ
When you look at Sunghoon, your eyes darting back-and-forth between his like theyโre searching for something there, he feels himself tense up slightly. He canโt read you at all, has no idea what youโre thinking even as you smile and say, โYouโre right.โ Even as you silently link your pinky with his, gazing down at your hands with a small smile. He hadnโt realized how cold his hands were until this small touch, so small yet able to spread warmth throughout his entire body. When he speaks, he canโt bring himself to meet your eyesโheโs still so focused on where your hands touch, too aware of the skin of your finger right against his. Such a small, innocent touch. He canโt even begin to understand why it means so much to him.
โFor what itโs worth, I think what youโre doing is super cool,โ he says. โIโve always been so shit at foreign languages, let alone dead languages. And packing your bags and going abroad for a year, not everybody can do that. Becoming a doctor might be hard, but it also takes a specific kind of person to do what you do. And what Jake does. Itโs all valuable.โ
โNow, if you could say that again while I record you to show my parents, please,โ you say, making him laugh.
โItโd be my pleasure.โ
โWhat about you?โ you ask him after a small pause. โI canโt be the only one who trauma-dumps on the first date.โ
Sunghoonโs breath hitches in his throat. He hadnโt even dared entertain the thought that this might be more than a platonic hang-out in case he was crossing a lineโbut youโve just called it a date. With just a few casual words, youโve changed the entire meaning of the hours youโve spent together. He hopes you canโt tell how flustered itโs made him.
โWell, thereโs not much trauma to dump, really. Sorry.โย
You giggle. โDonโt apologize. Thatโs a good thing.โ
Now that youโve just opened up about your parents, Sunghoon is scared that telling you about how good of a childhood he had might come off as insensitiveโbut you smile softly at him, holding his hand face-up in yours, tracing the lines of his palm with the tip of a finger, and he starts talking. โSo, it was just me, my older sister and my mom growing up. My dad died when I was 2.โ
โOh, Iโm sorry.โ
โItโs okay. It is a bit sad that I donโt have any memories of him, but everyone who knew him said he was a great guy. And my momโs had this boyfriend since I was like, 10? Heโs the one who got me to start hockey. So it hasnโt been that bad.โ
โYour mom must be really strong.โ
Sunghoon smiles. โShe is. Sheโs amazing. To raise two kids on your own while grieving and not royally fuck up isโฆ well, amazing. Sheโs always been so supportive of us, no matter what we wanted to do. My sister did well at school, but I wasnโt so good. I never really enjoyed it, but sheโs never made me feel bad about it. She didnโt mind that all I wanted to do was hit a puck around.โย
โAnd youโre pretty good at hitting that puck around, arenโt you?โ
โIโm not so bad,โ Sunghoon says, chuckling along with you. Heโs about to go on, but he is cut off by a raindrop hitting his hand, then another one; before either of you know it, your clothes are soaked through. Sunghoon takes his denim jacket off, using it as a makeshift umbrella for the both of you as you run towards the nearest awning, shaking with giddy laughter until you forget about the chilly rain and the clothes sticking to your skin. When it doesnโt let up for another few minutes, Sunghoon suggests catching the bus back, and you agree.ย
The heating on the bus is set on low, but itโs enough to warm Sunghoon up as soon as he steps onto it. You sit at the back in a corner of your own, multiple rows away from the other people onboard. The two of you are relatively quiet, lost in your own thoughts until Sunghoon, after much internal deliberating, takes one of your hands in his and interlaces your fingers together. You look up at him, but he doesnโt return your gaze, eyes fixed on the window to hide his shy smile and the blush slowly staining his cheeks. To his surprise, you squeeze his hand and rest your head on his shoulder. He freezes for a second, unsure how to react to your reciprocated affection, but he makes himself relax into your touch, and starts brushing his thumb back-and-forth on the back of your hand. The sudden storm has made day turn to night a little earlier today, and with the quiet hum of the bus, he finds himself on the edge of sleep for the whole rideโthe only thing keeping him awake is his booming heart.
The bus is nearing his stop when the buzz of his phone in his back pocket jolts him awake. You lift your head from his shoulder, massaging your neck as you fish your phone out of your own pocket. Sunghoon, more intrigued by you than by whoever has texted him, watches as the brightness of your screen makes you wince. Once youโve read the text, you turn towards him, sleepy eyes and sleepy voice as you ask him whether heโs seen โthis,โ referring to a text from Chaewon. dinner at our flat tonight!!! come whenever. bring drinks.ย
โOh, I forgot she was doing that tonight,โ you say through a yawn.
Sunghoon chuckles. โDo you have enough energy for it?โ
โI always have enough energy for Chaewonโs cooking.โ
You and Sunghoon make a pit-stop at a grocery store to buy two bottles of white wine and the hummus Chaewon likes, then head to your flat. Naturally, questions are asked when you and Sunghoon arrive at the exact same time, but before Sunghoon can explain that you spent the day together, Minjeongโs head pops out of the kitchen door, and she asks whether you ran into each other downstairs. Chaewon is only looking at the both of you, waiting for an answer, so she doesnโt see the very pointed look Minjeong gives you, as if to say Agree with me or else. You quickly glance at Sunghoon then say, โYeah, we just arrived at the same time.โ When theyโve both turned away, you tell him in a hushed tone that youโll ask her about it later.ย
The girls are busy in the small kitchen and Chaewon insists that they donโt need any more help, so you and Sunghoon bring two chairs by the kitchen door and sit as Yunjin catches the four of you up on the most recent drama in her Law cohort. Jay arrives twenty minutes later, but it isnโt another hour before Jake shows up with the excuse that he was taking a nap.
โSomeone would think you donโt sleep at night, with the amount of naps you take,โ you say.
โOh my God, I miss when you werenโt here,โ Jake replies, flicking your forehead before promptly plopping himself down on the couch. โI was so hungover when I woke up. I had to sleep it off,โ he explains as he grabs four cans of beer from his backpack.ย
Chaewon always makes a point to ask how everyoneโs spent their day, but today, she unfortunately starts with Sunghoon, so he doesnโt have any time to come up with anything believable other than the truth, which is exactly what he doesโand when Jay asks, What, to the beach by yourself? under Minjeongโs heavy gaze, he has no choice but to say yes. He isnโt sure why itโs such a big deal that you spent the day with him, or why it needs to be kept a secret, but there must be a reason. Heโll find out later. When itโs your turn, you look straight into Sunghoonโs eyes as you say you spent the day at the library but didnโt get much work done. Everyone ignores Jake when he exclaims Boring! and Chaewon swiftly moves onto Jay.
But you donโt.ย
Your eyes stay on Sunghoon, unflinchingly watching him, expression unreadable, and he finds himself unable to look away, even as he feels his face heat up and his stomach flip. Then you smile, a satisfied smirk like you got what you wanted, and shift your gaze to Jay, whoโs going on and on about the first six episodes of Lost he binge-watched earlier and wondering why nobody had told him about this โmasterpiece of a showโ before. Sunghoon is too busy thinking about the way youโd looked at him and pondering all the reasons for it to listen carefully. He watched Lost when he was fourteen anyway.
All throughout the evening, as the seven of you eat Chaewonโs pasta dish (which she made entirely from scratch, and is probably one of the best things to have ever graced Sunghoonโs taste buds), drink, talk, and afterwards, play card games, every glance between you and Sunghoon feels like a secret conversation that only the two of you are privy to. No one except for Minjeong is aware that you spent the day just the two of you until nowโand even she doesnโt know what it is you did. Within a day of knowing each other, you already share memories that are yours and no one elseโs. Sunghoon is giddy with the knowledge, heart skipping every time your eyes meet, no matter how fleetingly. When youโre all saying goodbye, it takes everything in him not to hug you for an awkwardly long time and to tear himself away from you.ย
He can hardly fall asleep that night.
--
For the entirety of the year you were gone, Sunghoon could only nod and smile while the others bemoaned your absence or commented on how much more fun itโd be if you were here (even Jake, after enough wine spritzers, would admit to missing you). He understood that the group dynamics might feel different to them without you around, but this particular set of people was all he knew, so he never minded it. It reminded him of people telling him how sad it mustโve been growing up without a father, trying to be empathetic, when he didnโt know how he could miss something he never had.ย
But now that youโre here, he gets it. You add something to the group that he canโt quite put his finger on. Itโs in your affectionate gestures towards Chaewon and Yunjin, in your shared sense of humor with Jay (which no one else seems to find funny, save for Sunghoon, sometimes), in your bickering with Minjeong and downright arguing with Jake. Itโs a hackneyed expression, but you do light up a roomโat least in Sunghoonโs opinion, you do. In your presence, everything feels not only more lively, but also more cohesive, like you were the missing piece of a puzzle. Like a historic work of art that has been returned to its rightful owner.ย
Sunghoon just finds himself drawn to you, at times unable to keep his eyes off of you, and the only things keeping him from making a move are his inherent shyness and the eyes of your friends. He doesnโt want to mess up the friendship he has with anyone from the group, least of all Jake, just because he canโt keep it in his pants. He thought of Yunjin and Chaewon, how their relationship had gone smoothly from the beginning and posed no problem to the dynamic of the group, but he had no idea if this was replicable between you and him at all.
If he had to be honest, a big part of him was also just afraid youโd reject him.
Getting a read on you is hard, which doesnโt help. Itโs been three weeks since the gang reunited, since that party where you met. The first semester of his second and your fourth year started a little bit over a week ago; Sunghoon sometimes worries that you think there is some big age gap between you and that you see him as a kid, even though, admittedly, two years is not such a huge difference. In those three weeks, there have been many encounters which could be seen as cases of flirting between the two of youโSunghoon has noticed every single one of them and replayed each an embarrassing amount of times in his head. A hand carefully posited on his shoulder; prolonged eye contact; jokes whispered in his ear at a crowded house party; knees lightly touching at first, then pressed together during movie night. None of it ever fails to make Sunghoonโs heart flutter. You could breathe in his general direction and itโd make his heart beat fast enough to worry a cardiologist, so when you smile at him, itโs a small death every time.
And so he dares hope that his interest isnโt one-sidedโalthough most of the time, he is so stuck between thinking none of it means anything and thinking every single thing you do is a sign that you like him, that he rarely knows what to think. And whenever youโve paid him enough attention to make him believe itโs not all in his head, you do something that proves him wrong. Watching you interact with other people, he realizes that you keep good eye contact with everyone and that youโre just as touchy and playful with all of your friends. At parties, you hit it off with new people and catch up with old friends without so much as a hint of awkwardness. He watches as you talk to other guys, the same smile that has been making him weak for the past three weeks, directed towards them and not him. Sunghoon assumes youโre either really nice to everyone and oblivious to the fact that it could be seen as flirting, or you just flirt with everyone.ย
In that sense, the two of you are complete opposites. Sunghoon, whose entire friend group hangs on the fact that he befriended Jay, who knew Jake, who knew you, Minjeong, Yunjin and Chaewon. Sunghoon who has spoken to maybe half of his hockey team outside of the locker rooms and the occasional party. Sunghoon who, outside of his usual friend group, has managed to make three other friends on his own in the year heโs been at university, because they had been put in a group project and magically hit it off enough to upgrade from classmates to friends.ย
Then thereโs you, who has to stop every thirty seconds at a party to say hi to someone you know. You, who still keeps in touch with the friends you made in a foreign country, even those who spoke broken English. You, who didnโt make Sunghoon feel like his crippling shyness was a problem when you first met.ย
He doesnโt understand how everyone who meets you doesnโt instantly fall in love.ย
Or maybe they do, and heโs just one of many vying for your heart.ย
Tonight is one of the nights where all he can do is watch from afar as you interact with another man that he desperately wishes was him. With your lower back against the kitchen counter, drink in hand as you laugh with that other guy, eyes never leaving his face, it almost looks like someone has copied your time with Sunghoon at the costume party and pasted it onto this post-hockey game party. All youโre missing is a bright pink cowgirl hat and boots to match.
And yet, itโs his team jacket over your shoulders, his name and number on your back. Sunghoon shouldnโt feel nearly as jealous as he does.
So he does what any good friend would do, and blames Jay for reasons completely unwarrantedโeven now, days after receiving his advice, and hours after taking it, Sunghoon still canโt help but regret involving him at all.ย
Initially, Sunghoon hadnโt wanted to tell anyone about his growing feelings for youโheโd thought that if he pushed them away and kept them to himself, theyโd go away on their own. But clearly, they didnโt, seeing as how his stomach always twisted in nervous excitement at the prospect of seeing you and how he could never get through a conversation with you without blushing. So, quicker than heโd like to admit, heโd given in and told Jay about the day youโd spent at the beach and how felt about you now, thinking it was some big shameful secret that would render his friend flabbergasted.ย
That was his first mistake.ย
Jay wasnโt impressed. โYeah, itโs been pretty obvious, dude,โ heโd said through a mouthful of cheeseburger. It was after hockey practice, and they were sitting in the burger joint near the ice rink that had some of the best student deals in town. Jake was going on a Hinge date, and Sunghoon had lured Jay in with the promise of free food (Jay wanted to go home and game, but all Sunghoon needed to do to convince him was to say โIโll pay for itโ).ย
โObvious? How obvious? Does everyone know? Does Jake know?โ Sunghoon asked, growing more agitated by the second.
โJake is possibly the worst room-reader that has ever lived, so no, I donโt think heโs caught on. But the rest of us know. I mean, you look at her like a twelve-year-old with a crush on his English teacher,โ Jay said, unceremoniously cramming fries into his mouth.
Sunghoon ignored the slightly humiliating remark, still preoccupied by the fact that he hadnโt been as discreet as he thought he had. He leant in towards Jay and dropped his voice to a whisper, even though the restaurant was practically empty, save for them and a group of rowdy middle school boys who were definitely not paying attention to them. โDo you thinkโฆ does she know?โ
Jay dropped his fist on the table in sudden annoyance, causing Sunghoon to jump back in his seat. โNow youโre acting like a twelve-year-old.โ Before Sunghoon could defend himself and argue that heโs being completely rational, Jay launches into a surprisingly moving monologue. โItโs fine if you like her, thereโs nothing to be embarrassed of. Everybody feels attraction towards other people, everybody gets crushes, itโs no big deal. Just talk to her. Worst case scenario, she doesnโt feel the same way, and you both move on, because youโre adults.โ
Thereโs nothing worse than a friend being right about something you absolutely donโt want to hear. Sunghoon did feel like he had been carrying a horrible secret around, but Jay was spot-on: crushes are a very common, very human experience. And yet Sunghoon managed to feel like he was the only one who had ever had to go through this torture. โYou say that like itโs easy,โ he said, sulking.
โIt is easy. Youโre making it hard.โ
โSo what, your advice is just to confess to her?โ
Jay rolled his eyes. โSee? Youโre saying confess like itโs some sin you have to repent for. Yeah, just tell her.โ
โJust tell her,โ Sunghoon repeated, looking at his friend like he was crazy. Jay just took another bite of his burger.
โYeah, dude. Itโs not even like youโve known each other for a long time, so thereโs no risk of ruining a friendship, or anything.โ
โBut do you even know if she feels the same way at all?โ
Jay shrugged. โShe hasnโt mentioned anything,โ he said, and Sunghoonโs heart dropped in disappointment. โBut itโs Y/N, sheโll be cool about it. And who knows, she might actually see something in you, for some godforsaken reason.โ
Jay laughed at his own joke, and Sunghoon afforded him a chuckle. They moved on to other topics, but later, as they waited for Jayโs bus to come, he couldnโt help himself. โDo you think Jake will mind? If something happens with Y/N and me?โ
Jay thought for a second. โI think heโd be more upset with her than with you, what with everything that happened with Heeseung... But knowing him, he probably wonโt care as long as you arenโt weird in front of him.โ He puts a hand on Sunghoonโs shoulder and shakes it gently. โDonโt let that stop you from making a move, okay? Youโll cross that bridge when you get to it.โ His bus came then, so Sunghoon couldn't ask for more details about this Heeseung situationโhe knew that there had been something between you and him which hadnโt ended particularly well, but no one ever really talked about it so he didnโt dare bring it up. All he knew was that it had been significant enough for Jay to mention it now, and for Jake to seem bothered every time it was mentioned.
He put all of that out of his head for the time being. In a way, he had just received Jayโs blessing; even if it scared him shitless, he could make a move. Perhaps not something as straightforward as Jay was suggesting, but something, at the very least.ย
The first major hockey game of the season was that coming Friday. Sunghoon had an idea.
The morning of, he shot you a text. He tried to make it sound as nonchalant as he can, so that you wouldnโt know he spent close to an hour deleting, writing and pouring over a singular sentence. Can you meet me in front of the locker rooms 30 mins before the game?ย
That was his second mistake.
You replied twenty minutes later, twenty minutes that Sunghoon spent questioning everything that had led up to this moment.
yn.sim iโll be there!!
You even got there five minutes early. He was waiting for you, all decked out in his hockey uniform, save for the gloves and protective headgear. He was anxiously chewing on gum, heart doing somersaults inside his ribcageโa grin found his lips as soon as you appeared around the corner, the sight of you alleviating his nerves for a second, then doubling them when you came close. โHey,โ he said, voice soft and slightly trembling.
โHey,โ you simply replied, a smile on your face to match his as he took you in his arms. It was a hug that lasted a second longer than it should, but that also ended too early for his liking.
โUm, I only have a second, Coach will be wanting to give one of his pep talks,โ he said when you separated. One quick glance back at the locker room doors behind him, then back at you. The tips of his ears burnt, and he couldnโt stop his eyes from furtively darting between your face and the floor. But heโd come this far, so he couldnโt back out now. He just had to get it over with. โHere,โ he blurted out, holding out the letterman jacket he had been hiding behind his back. You grabbed it, eyeing him with amused suspicion at first, but surprise spreaded over your features as you unfurled the jacket.
โYour team jacket?โย
He couldnโt tell whether you were amazed or horrified. You stared wide-eyed at the jacket, at its dark green sleeves, at the four letters of his last name and the huge number 8 embroidered onto the back. Your surprise faded back into what he thought โ what he hoped โ was excitement as you looked at him. He scratched the back of his neck, feeling his face flush red. โYeah, I just, you knowโฆ Itโs the first big game of the year, and I thought itโd bring me good luck if a pretty girl was wearing my nameโฆโ he explained, repeating the words heโd practiced over and over, voice turning into more and more of a mumble as he spoke. He had planned on speaking with more confidence, but now, the fact that he could speak at all felt like a miracle.
A light giggle spilled out of your mouth. Sunghoon immediately took it for mockery and regretted every decision that had led him here. โSorry, it was a silly idea, you donโt have to wear it if you donโt like it,โ he said, reaching for the jacket. But you were quicker than him, hugging the thick bundle of fabric to your chest as you now beamed at him.
โAre you kidding? I love it,โ you said, shrugging off your jacket and replacing it with his.
First, relief flooded his body, then pride and excitement โ as you spun around and showed the jacket off โ at seeing his name on your back, and his attempt at making a move being successful. At least, he thought it was clear what he meant by giving you his jacket to wear at his gameโhe could only hope you understood. โWellโฆ Iโm glad.โ Your eyes met, and you both chuckled softly, gazes holding each otherโs for a second too long.ย
Two weeks ago, Sunghoon still wouldโve been able to convince himself this was a fluke; that this was just another one of his crushes that a gentle breeze could blow away. Because after all, when Sunghoon fell in love, it usually went as quickly as it came. But at that moment, in front of the locker rooms, his mind solely on you and not the opening game of the season, he realized this was something else entirely. And whatever it was, he hadnโt felt it in a good long while.
He was terrifiedโbut infinitely excited, too.
โOkay, I should probably head back in now,โ he forced himself to say, but made no move to go.
โOkay.โ
He paused. โWill you be cheering me on?โ
Your smile widened. โOf course.โ
He nodded slowly, upper body starting to turn away but feet still firmly planted on the ground. โOkay.โย
Another second passed, and just as he was about to actually walk away, you grabbed his hand. Before he could compute what was happening, you lifted your head and pressed a small kiss to his cheek. His hand was still in yours when you took a step back, and for once, it was you who looked sheepishly at the floor. โFor good luck,โ you explained. He had no time to replyโyou were already walking away, only looking back once to wave and shoo him in the direction of the locker room. He chuckled and nodded, but waited until you were out of sight to head back into the locker room.
Inside the locker room, everyone was too focused on getting their head in the game to notice his giddy smile. Your lips had been warm and soft against his cheeks, a welcome repeat of that time at the costume party, but the quickness of it all had only made him want more. From that very first night heโd met you, the question of how your lips would feel on his had scarcely left his mind. This brought him a step closer to getting an answer, but also made his curiosity grow tenfold.
Thankfully, by the time his coach gathered them around for a last minute pep talk, heโd managed to put the distracting thoughts of you out of his head, at least temporarilyโheโd need to play well, for himself and his team mostly, but impressing you was also a priority.ย
As the captain, Heeseung said a few words. He reminded the team of how important this match was and went over the main strategy points. For the time being, Sunghoon was able to forget about his arguably unfounded resentment against the older boy and whatever it was he had to do with you. This was not the time for jealousy over someone he had no right to feel jealous over.ย
A few minutes later, his members and those of the opposing team poured out onto the rink for warm-up. Sunghoon searched the crowd for your faceโwhen he found it, you were already smiling wide and waving at him. His heart did something funny, but Jay punched his shoulder pad and he remembered what he was there for. He could get lost in the eyes of a pretty girl later, specifically when heโd destroyed the other team and shown her how good of a hockey player he was.
Every now and then as he skirted around the rink and did his stretches, he stole glances at you. They didn't last long, because every single time, youโd already be looking, as if your eyes never strayed from him. Knowing you were watching made him nervous at first, but by the end of warm-up, mainly because he didnโt have much of a choice, heโd turned those nerves into an ever stronger will to do well.
The moment the referee blew the whistle, and for the hour that followed, Sunghoon was locked in on one thing and one thing only: winning. He was only competitive when it came to hockeyโhe didnโt care about dying in an online battle game or losing to Jake at beer pong, but once he was on the rink, he had to win. Pride surged through him and filled every crevice of his aching limbs whenever he or one of his team members scored, and the feeling that came with a victory, with hugging his teammates in celebration or hearing the crowd cheer for them, was like nothing else heโd ever known. The other side of that coin meant that any loss was a tremendous disappointment. Getting beat at an important game could put him in a week-long funk. His sister had once carefully hinted at his self-esteem relying too much on his hockey performance, and although his first reaction had been to dismiss her, he knew she had poked at some truth there. But what could he doโon particularly lonely nights, he truly thought hockey was all he had going for him.ย
To his overthinking nature, becoming so single-minded the second the whistle blows was a relief, a break from the stress of daily life. He didnโt have to worry about his next deadline or about what the guys on the team thought of him or about the inevitable phone call to his mom asking for more money for groceries. It was respite from the thoughts surrounding you that plagued him: how you felt about him, how you might react knowing what he felt for you, how Jake might react. Why Minjeong hadnโt wanted you to say anything that evening, but why Jay had told him to just go for it. Heeseung, whom he had to respect as the captain and an undeniably talented player, but also as someone who had had something to do with you, whether good or bad. All of it had been wildly bustling around Sunghoonโs mind, but once on the rink, all he had to concern himself with was the puck and getting it in the opposing teamโs goal.ย
And Sunghoon did just thatโhe scored the first goal of the game, another one in the second period, then a third during the eleventh hour, breaking the tie between the two teams. He smiled right at you after each one, just to make sure you had seen everything. He couldnโt quite describe how it felt to see you clap and cheer for him, jumping up-and-down, forming a megaphone with your hands around your mouth and yelling, โGo Sunghoon!โ all while you wore his jacket. It was a separate kind of pride and satisfaction from the sort heโd get seeing anyone else cheer him on, for sure.ย
The other team put up a good fight, getting in a few goals of their own and protecting their side well, but in the end, thanks to Sunghoonโs goal, it was his team that won. He took his helmet off and got his hair ruffled by half of his team, then shook hands with the other team, trying to contain his boastful smileโsome ice hockey players flew off the handle very quickly, and starting a fight was the last thing he wanted.
Kids and local fans huddled by the barriers on each side of the playerโs tunnel to get an autograph or a picture. People around here were weirdly attached to their university sport teams, and the athletes on teams that did particularly well โ namely football and rugby โ were sort of local celebrities. Their ice hockey team wasnโt quite at that stage yet, but they were placing better nationally with every year, and so the local interest had grown. More kids had started signing up for lessons, and their parents often brought them to home games. As Sunghoon chatted with men twice his age and took selfies with ten-year-olds, he tried to find you in the crowd, to no avail. Heโd been hoping for a thumbs-up from you for a game well played, or even a hug, but you were nowhere in sight.
It wasnโt until half-an-hour later, after saying bye to all the fans that had waited after the game for them, listening to Heeseung and their coach congratulate them (but also remind them to not take anything for granted), showering and changing, that he got to check his phone.
chaewon we going k-bbq! u guys played well see u later at da party!!!!
Disappointment only had a second to sink to the bottom of his stomach. Heโd barely finished reading the text when he was hoisted up by the shoulders. Two of his senior teammates, Soobin and Beomgyu, marched him towards the exit. โWe are getting you wasted tonight, Park,โ Beomgyu announced, a wide grin on his lips.
โI have a good feeling about this season,โ Soobin added. Sunghoon looked back to find Jay and Jake simply shrugging and laughing at him.
Indeed, the second they got to the dorm where tonightโs party would be taking place, a beer was thrusted in his hand. It was only 7 p.m., still light outside, but that didnโt stop the team nor their friends that had come to the game. They sipped beer like it was water, so much so that two hours later, when the party started to grow, Sunghoon was already quite inebriated. It didnโt help that his cup was never empty for too long, and that he had the reassurance of being in his own dormโit was the closest student building to the ice rink, and so was one of the prime spots for hockey parties. He could get as drunk as he wanted โ or as Beomgyu wanted โ and still get home in less than a minute.ย
He somehow ended up in the corridor, part of a nonsensical conversation about candle-making with two guys he had recognized from one of his Phys Ed classes but could not for the life of him remember the names of. One had shared that candle-making was a big hobby of his, and it had made Sunghoon and the other unknown man lose their mindsโSunghoon had never realized how curious about candle-making he was, but he couldnโt stop asking questions. It sounded great. Maybe heโd have to pick up candle-making, too.ย
Eventually, he headed back to the kitchen for a new drink. For the nth time this evening, he thought of texting you, then immediately thought against it. He wanted to know when youโd get here, but he didnโt want you to know that he wanted to knowโalthough as the night deepened and his intoxication rose, he could remember less and less why that would be such a bad thing. He stepped into the kitchen, and going from the brightly-lit corridor to the dark kitchen with flashing neon lights made him so dizzy that he made a beeline for the couch, needing to sit down for a second.
And that was when he saw you.
Lower back against the counter, talking with a guy heโs never seen in his life. You look like youโre having funโsmiling, laughing, keeping eye contact with that guy. Youโre still wearing his jacket. It should probably reassure himโhis name is literally on you, what does it matter that youโre speaking to someone else? But instead, all he can think is that wearing his jacket must mean nothing to you. What was basically a confession from him seems to have fallen on deaf ears.
His friendsโ words over the past year come back to himโhow much you flirt with people, how it wasnโt a rare occurrence for you to go home with a guy after a party and never speak of him ever again. Was this what was happening here?
He knows itโs unreasonable, but in his drunken state, he takes it as a betrayal. Like he canโt believe you havenโt read his mind, figured out how he felt about you, and decided to give special attention to him and him only. Heโs only able to take it for so longโtwo minutes later, he trudges out of the room, walking right past you but not looking your way.
His new mission is to find his friends, but before heโs done much searching, he hears his name being called out. Of course, he recognizes your voice immediately, but he doesnโt quite believe it until he looks over his shoulder, and there you are, face glowing and smiling wide. Youโve clearly had a few drinks, but he likes to think youโd be just as happy to see him if you were sober. He turns around to face you, watching as you narrow the distance between the two of you. Heโs not in a much better stateโthe simple thought that you had come after him makes him forget any sort of resentment he held against you a second ago. When you reach him, he holds on to one of your arms, as much an effort to stabilize his swaying body as an excuse to touch you.
โHey,โ he simply says. Heโs always at a loss for words around you, so scared heโll say the wrong thing that he ends up barely speaking at all. Heโs only sober enough to know that with all the cheap beer and vodka running through his blood, his odds of making a fool of himself are even bigger.ย
โHey. I was wondering where you were.โย
โYouโre the one who came late.โ
โI know!โ you exclaim. โI wanted to come right away, but Chaewon was hell-bent on getting her Korean barbecue.โ
โShe does get cranky when she hasnโt had pork belly in a while.โ Sunghoon feels like heโs just won the Nobel Prize when you let out a laugh. โWas the food good at least?โ
โIt was amazing. So worth getting here late,โ you joke.
He rolls his eyes playfully. โI see how it is.โ Then, before he can stop himself, he adds, โThen we should go there together next time.โย
Your smile changes, turning from cheerful to surprised, but amusedโalmost mischievous. You take a step forward. Sunghoon gulps; the gap between the two of you was narrow to begin with. โAre you asking me out on a date?โ
Usually, this type of straight-forwardness would have him stuttering, but drunk Sunghoon is a man sober Sunghoon barely recognizes in the morning. โYeah. I am. Is that okay?โ
You nod. โMh-hm.โ
โNice. Okay.โ For a second, you just look at each other. Another thing about drunk Sunghoon: he doesnโt feel like prolonged eye contact will make him spontaneously combust. He actually quite enjoys it. He also stumbles, even when all heโs doing is trying to stand straight. โYouโre still wearing my jacket,โ he eventually says, reaching out to take the end of your sleeve between his fingers.
You stretch out your arms and appraise the team jacket as if you only remembered you had it on. โYeah. Itโs comfy.โ
โIt looks good. You look good.โ
โYouโre not quite sober, are you?โ you ask suddenly.ย
โIs it that obvious?โ When you nod, he giggles, lowering his head in defeat. โThe guys made me drink so much.โ
โYou did score three goals after all. And you looked good doing it.โ
At the praise, he stands up to his full height and places his palms behind his head in a victorious pose. โI did, didnโt I?โ he says, looking off in the distance with a self-assured look that makes you burst into laughter. He drops the confident facade and laughs along with you, until somebody bumps into him and sends him stumbling forwards. If you werenโt standing there to catch him, heโd probably have fallen flat on his face. But even though he doesnโt fall, he feels all the alcohol catching up to him and threatening to come right back out where it came from. You hold him for a second, and just as you ask him if heโs okay, he says, โI think Iโm gonna throw up.โ
You sigh. โOkay. Whereโs your room?โย
Arm under his shoulders, you let Sunghoon lean most of his weight on you as you guide him towards the elevator. Itโs just one floor, but you said you didnโt want to risk the stairs with him. โHey, who was that guy with you in the kitchen? That guy in the striped shirt? You guys seemed real chummy back thereโฆโ he mumbles as you help him out of the elevator. Even on the verge of sickness, Sunghoon is preoccupied by more important things.
โOh, that was Jaemin.โ
โJaemin,โ he echoes, more venom in his voice than needed.
You look at him, taking in his disgruntled expression, and chuckle. โYeah, heโs having some problems with his boyfriend. He asked me for advice.โ
Sunghoon almost freezes in his tracks, but youโre there to keep him walking towards his room. โOh. He has a boyfriend.โ
โYeahโฆโ He can tell you want to tease him about it, but thankfully, you say nothing. Heโs made it clear he had gotten jealous of your gay friendโno need to spell it out in so many words. Once you reach his studio (which heโd stupidly left unlocked), he heads straight for the bathroom, locking himself in, half out of embarrassment, half because he really doesnโt want you to see him throw up. Talk about a turn-off. He leans over the toilet bowl, waiting for the vomit to rise, but nothing comes. He waits, and waits, mind completely empty, head spinning even though heโs sitting very still, when suddenly a knock on the door pulls him out of his stupor.
โSunghoon? Itโs been ten minutes. Everything okay?โ
He doesnโt say anything, just unlocks the door for you. Without realizing, he fell asleep like a bored teenager in math class. โAll right,โ he hears you say.
Heโs surprised youโre able to carry him out of the bathroomโif he was a deadweight before, by now, rigor mortis has practically set in. Despite his small student room, crossing it takes you an entire minute, and when you reach his bed, you all but let him flop on the mattress. He doesnโt mind. As soon as his body hits the bed, he feels quite snug, curling against his blanket. You start to unbutton his shirt, probably just thinking heโs already fallen asleep and wanting to make him more comfortable, but your fingers freeze when he starts giggling. Shoulders shaking with unbridled laughter, he feels as delighted as a five-year-old who just said a naughty word and made all his drunk relatives laugh at the family dinner.ย
โI know I looked really hot tonight, but can we wait until Iโm sober?โ he asks, slurring his words slightly and keeping his eyes shut, despite the shit-eating smirk on his lips. You hit him on the chest but it just makes him laugh more.
โBold of you to assume Iโd still hit when Iโve just had to peel you off your toilet seat.โ He lets you finish helping him out of his button-down.ย
โWouldnโt you?โ he asks. He tries to look at you, but his eyes donโt quite open all the way, and they donโt focus properly, due to a strong mix of alcohol and inappropriate thoughts. Of you, specifically. His body feels suddenly very heavy, his want for you weighing him down into the mattress. The room is dark, your face illuminated only by the light in the bathroom and the glow of the street lights outside. You always look pretty, but your beauty is especially breath-taking right now, Sunghoon thinks. He wants to reach out and touch your face, wants to trace your jawline and know what your skin would feel like against his fingers. He doesnโt realize heโs actually doing it until he hears you inhale shakily.
The expression in your eyes is unreadable, and quickly gone, replaced by an annoyed squint. You grab his wrist gently, setting it back down next to him. โIโm gonna make you some ramen. You need to sober up, and you havenโt had dinner, have you?โ
Sunghoon shakes his head. He feels rejected, and it makes him inordinately sad.
For five minutes, he watches as you rummage around his cupboards for a pack of ramen, fill a pot with water and bring it to a boil. His thoughts float back to your day at the beach, memories that heโs preciously held onto for the past few weeks. You running around on the sand, opening yourself up to him and letting him open himself up to you, holding his hand on the bus. That day, heโd really thought it would be the beginning of something new; but as time passed, he became less and less sure of himself. Heโs scared it mightโve just been a fluke, and that heโd have to destroy the castle heโd built in his head. Heโs seen you almost every day since, but itโs never been the same. And even if your eyes met unexpectedly sometimes, or if you went out of your way to sit next to him during movie nights, he canโt let himself go on with so few signs. Jay was rightโhe had to be clear about his feelings, otherwise this would go on forever. Even if it didnโt feel like it, the Earth would continue spinning on its axis if you didnโt reciprocate.
โIโve missed you.โ
You pause in your movements. โMissed me? But weโve seen each other every day,โ you say after a few seconds, still facing away from him. Your voice is softer than heโs heard it before, almost unsure of itself.
โNo,โ Sunghoon whines, frowning. He can barely keep his eyes openโhe wishes you could read his mind so he wouldnโt have to explain, but alas. โI miss youโthe you from the beach. When it was just me and you. Itโs not the same with the others around.โ
Silence falls over the room again. Sunghoon wonders if youโre just going to ignore what he said, until you take a deep breath, and walk back to his bed. You crouch in front of him and take both of his hands in yours. Electricity flows from where your hands touch to the rest of his body. He suddenly feels a lot more awake.
โItโs just the two of us now,โ you whisper.ย
Sunghoon nods. โI know. Itโs nice.โ
You smile. It might be the alcohol playing tricks on him, but Sunghoon swears thereโs a hint of sadness in your eyes. One of your hands comes up to his hair. You thread your fingers gently through it, pushing it away from his forehead, then bring your hand down to the side of his face, your palm cupping it tenderly. Sunghoon lets himself lean into your warm touch. With his eyes closed, the darkness surrounding him makes this feel like a dreamโhe basks in the moment so as not to let a second of it go to waste.
โDo you wanna do something just us two this week?โ you ask softly. His eyes shoot openโhe needs to be sure this is really happening. He nods again, fervently this time, and it makes you chuckle. โOkay.โ
โJust us two?โย
โJust us two.โ
He relaxes once more. He guides your hand towards his mouth and presses his lips against your palm. Something shifts in your eyesโSunghoon thinks the opportunity to finally kiss you has arisen, but as soon as his gaze drops to your lips, youโre back on your feet. โLetโs eat some ramen, shall we?โ you ask as you head back towards the kitchen. Sunghoon tries his best (and probably fails) to not let his disappointment show.
Thereโs no dining table to speak of, only a low table near Sunghoonโs bed, on which you set down a wooden board and the steaming pot of spicy noodles. You hand him a pair of chopsticks and a spoon, and tell him to eat. Neither of you say much for a while, and Sunghoon grows redder and redder under your watchful gaze. He asks if you want any a few times, but you always turn him down. The silence quickly gets a little too unbearable for him, and heโs got a question burning the tip of his tongue anyway. Nowโs as good a time as ever to ask it.
โSomethingโs been bugging me recently, actuallyโฆโ You wait for him to go on. โSo, at the costume party, right?โ You nod. โYou said there was only one person you wanted to kissโฆ Did you mean me?โ
You tilt your head, looking at him like youโre trying to figure out whether heโs joking or not. โYeah, Sunghoonโฆ I meant you. Who else?โ
Heโs only half-relieved. โSo why wonโt you kiss me now?โ
To his surprise, you smile. โBecause youโre drunk.โ
Confusion fogs Sunghoonโs brain. Is that all youโre worried about? Is his blood alcohol level the only thing stopping you from kissing him? โBut I-Iโm fine. I give you consent to kiss me, Y/N.โ Heโs dead serious, so when you laugh, it only frustrates him further.
โFinish your food, Sunghoon. Weโll see about kissing later.โ
He sighs. Later he could deal with. โFine. But Iโll hold you to it, okay?โ he says, pointing a menacing chopstick at you.
โOkay.โ
But Sunghoon canโt keep quiet for longโten seconds later, heโs remembered another question heโs been dying to ask. He continues drinking his soup in an attempt to appear nonchalant. โSo what happened between you and Heeseung?โ
The question takes you so off-guard, you look like you wouldโve done a spit-take had you been drinking water. โThatโs-you know about that?โ
โWell, not much, thatโs why Iโm asking.โ
You scoff. โWhy do you want to know? Itโs boring.โ
At those words, Sunghoon whips his head up to look at you. โItโs not boring!โ he exclaims, perhaps a tad too vigorously. โAnything that has to do with you is interesting to me.โ
Finally, the corners of your lips rise. Sunghoon hated the ten seconds in which you werenโt smiling. โWell, there isnโt much to say, anyway. We had a thing when we were in second year, I caught feelings and wanted more, and he didnโt. The end.โ
Sunghoon freezes, staring at you with his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth agape. He then sets his cutlery down neatly next to the pot of ramen and clasps his hands together like heโs in a business meeting. โSo youโre telling me that he had the opportunity to make you his girlfriend and he justโฆ didnโt?โ
You shrug. โBasically, yeah.โ
He hits the bedsheets next to him, huffing out in annoyance. โWhat an idiot.โ
โHe sure is,โ you say. You smile to yourself as you grab Sunghoonโs spoon and try some of the broth. He wonders whether anything lies behind that smile. โBut it happened a while ago. Donโt be weird with him on my account. Heโs still your captain.โ
Sunghoon thinks for a second. โCan I side-eye him once in a while? Or not pass him the puck during practice?โ
โSure,โ you reply, laughing. You swiftly move on to other topics as Sunghoon slurps the last of his noodles, asking him about the beginning of the party and just how much his teammates made him drink. Heโs recounting the shot contest they held, which Mark won with an impressive seven shots of tequila in a row โ Sunghoon hopes the boy is okay now โ when your phones buzz at the same time. Minjeongโs name appears on your screen, Jayโs on his, both asking where you are.
โShould we head back now?โ you offer, although Sunghoon, wishfully perhaps, detects a trace of reluctance in your voice. โYou look like youโve sobered up a bit, seeing as youโre able to string more than two sentences together.โ
โI wasnโt that bad!โ
โI shouldโve filmed you.โ
Itโs one a.m. when you head back down, and the party is in full swing. Pop music blasts through someoneโs JBL speaker in the shared kitchen, the hallways are more crowded than the subway at rush hour, just as full of hockey fans celebrating their teamโs win as students who just wanted an excuse to party, and every window is open to alleviate some of the stuffiness. They probably have another hour left before the dorm residents who decided not to join in the festivities call campus police on them.
Sunghoon is relieved to find that Jake is off with other team members, reaching levels of drunkenness that will most definitely be regretted in the morning. Technically, he hasnโt done anything wrongโhe simply let you nurse him back to sobriety after he almost regurgitated his pre-game protein bar and three beers all over your nice shirt. Chaewon and Yunjin are busy making out in a corner, their lack of decorum only increasing when theyโve been drinking, but Jay and Minjeong eye you suspiciously upon seeing the two of you arrive together. You explain what happened so casually that they donโt question it any further.
Chaewon and Yunjin only tear themselves off of each other when a Beyoncรฉ song starts playing, and they drag all four of you to the makeshift dancefloor, which is really just three meters away in the middle of the kitchen. Sunghoon is practically all sobered up by now, but heโs loosened up enough not to feel self-conscious with every step he takes; the fact that you look so happy, dancing with him and laughing at his silly moves, is a considerable bonus. He wonโt drink any more, not wanting to risk embarrassing himself further in front of you, and Jay, as the groupโs self-proclaimed health guru, probably had his last beer around nine p.m., but the girls, each of them with a cup of suspicious transparent liquid in hand, are getting drunker by the minuteโand so is Jake, who has now joined you all on the dancefloor, if his inability to stand straight is anything to go by. Sunghoon assumes youโre also done with alcohol for the night, until you turn to him in the middle of a song no one has heard since 2015 and tell him youโre going to get a drink.
โOkay!โ he simply answers, and for a good thirty seconds, basks in the blissful satisfaction of knowing he was the one you informed of your whereabouts. That is, until he realizes a minute later that it was probably a covert invitation for him to come along, which he totally missed. But when he looks over at the counter where all the drinks are, his heart dropsโHeeseung is standing in front of you, pouring gin and lemonade into your cup. A flurry of emotions course through Sunghoon, emotions he has no idea what to do with, because heโs not sure theyโre entirely warranted. Heโs angry that Heeseung is talking to you, after what he did, confused that youโd let him; but mostly, heโs jealous. But he knows itโs only because he has no guarantee that you like him, and that you wonโt go off with Heeseung, despite having just talked about how you were over him.
Waitโis that really what you said? You told Sunghoon that what happened with Heeseung didnโt bother you anymore, which doesnโt necessarily mean you wouldnโt go back to him, given the chance.ย
Before he can think it over a second time, Sunghoon heads over to where you and Heeseung stand. He places himself right behind you, reaching for a bottle of Coke on your side and pouring himself a drink.
โOh, hey, Hoon,โ his team captain says, clearly surprised to see him there and looking so discontented. Sunghoon canโt remember whether theyโve ever been close enough for Heeseung to call him by his nickname. โHaving fun?โ
โYep,โ he curtly replies, avoiding eye contact with either of you and looking out at the crowd of party-goers instead. He can feel your gaze, heavy on his face, can see the knowing smirk slowly rising on your lips. How was it that you could see right through him so easily?
โToo much dancing made you thirsty?โ you ask, taking a drink from your cup and hiding your smile behind it.
He glares at you, more annoyed that his attempt at subtly sussing out what you and Heeseung were doing together was shut down so quickly than anything else. โYep,โ he repeats.
โYou guys know each other?โ the older boy asks, eyes darting between the two of you.
โJake introduced us,โ Sunghoon quickly answers. To his surprise, this makes Heeseung chuckle.
โJay, Sunghoon, meโฆ Wow, do you meet all your friends through your brother, Y/N?โ he asks jokingly. Immediately, so many alarm bells ring in Sunghoonโs headโthe implication that you and Heeseung are friends, the fact that he put himself and Sunghoon in the same bag, and above all, that teasing, almost flirtatious tone of his.ย
Heโs horrified to find you rolling your eyes playfully and saying, โI have other friends, thanks,โ in a tone far too similar. At that moment, Minjeong starts yelling about how much she loves everyone in this room but particularly โyou guys,โ pointing to Jake, Jay, Minjeong and Chaewon, and โyou guys, too!โ screaming over the music as she points to you and Sunghoon.
โThereโs one of them,โ you say, half-amused, half-exasperated. โWe should probably go check on her. See you around, Heeseung.โ
โRight. See you, Y/N. Sunghoon.โย
Back to no-nickname basis, apparently.
Your groupโs indicator of when itโs time to go home is when Minjeong starts one of her โI-love-my-friends-so-muchโ rantsโif sheโs that drunk, everyone else must be wasted. Indeed, Chaewon and Yunjin are holding onto each other to keep themselves from falling down, and Jake is unable to keep his head up. You, Sunghoon and Jay herd your friends outside and wait for Jakeโs Uber, making sure to get him safely inside and to tip the driver generously for his pains. Jay lives nearby yours and the girlsโ flat, and Sunghoon, ever the gentleman, walks you all home.
โJust โcause you and Jay might need a hand getting these three home,โ he tells you. Yunjin, Chaewon and Minjeong are currently running around on the road, pointing and laughing at random shop names, and Jay is yelling at them to get back on the sidewalk.
โMh-hm.โ
โAnd itโll be good to completely sober up before going to bed.โ
โRight.โ
Thereโs no use putting up a front with youโheโs an open book and youโre an avid reader. You donโt need to say anything to make it clear that you know itโs just an excuse to spend more time with you.
โYou know, I told you not to be weird with Heeseung,โ you say, gently punching him in the arm.
โWas I weird?โ he asks, knowing fully well he hadnโt acted at all like he usually did around his captain.ย
โYou basically only spoke to let Heeseung know weโre friends. You were making yourself all tall and looking mysteriously out into the distance instead of at us.โ
โBut I am tall and mysterious,โ he says, pride coursing through him as it always does when you laugh at one of his jokes.
โYouโre probably the least mysterious person I know, Hoon.โ
Hoon. How much sweeter that name sounds coming from you over anyone else.
โSo you agree that Iโm tall?โ
You roll your eyes, but thereโs a grin on your face. A win is a win. โThatโs just a fact.โ
Sunghoon smiles victoriously. โIโll take a fact. But Iโm sorry if I was acting weirdโฆ I just wanted to make sure he wasnโt bothering you.โ
โHeeseung is always bothering me,โ you say with a sigh. โHe comes up to me like this at every party. Heโs just asking how Iโve been, but itโs like heโs sussing out whether or not heโs still got a chance.โ
โDo you need me to beat him up? Threaten him? Dox him?โ
Even though Sunghoon was only half-joking, you burst out laughing, hard enough for Minjeong to whip around and shout, โWhat are you laughing about?โ as if you had offended her personally. At least Jay is there to make her turn around and focus on walking straight.
โI appreciate the offer, but that wonโt be needed. I just donโt like talking about it, โcause itโs really not that big a deal anymore. It feels like digging up old bones, you know?โ
Sunghoon shrugs. โIโd commit grave robbery with you.โ
โYou-what?โ
โNevermind. We obviously donโt have to talk about it, but Iโm curious.โ
You sigh. โI guess itโd make sense for you to know about this.โ Sunghoon thinks he sees something like panic flash across your features, but itโs so quick and such a rare expression on you that heโs not sure whether he just imagined it. โYou know-just โcause everyone else is aware of it, and everything,โ you quickly explain.
โSure.โ
โI justโฆ Iโm sure Heeseung is a nice guy when it comes to other things, but what the girls and I have concluded is that heโs a bit of an attention whore, you know. When it comes to girls. We fooled around for a while, and he never made it official, even when I made it pretty clear that that was what I wanted. But every time we saw each other after that, heโd flirt with me like nothing had happened. I fell for it at first and flirted back, thinking he had changed his mindโฆ but he really just wanted to make sure I was still into him.โ
โLooking for validation,โ Sunghoon says.
โExactly. And when I realized that, I stopped giving it to him. I was getting tired of him anyway, saying the same thing every time. But now, I entertain him for a couple of minutes before I walk away. I shut him down before he gets a chance to do it to me.โ
โThatโs smart.โ
โI know,โ you say, smiling. โI understand the need for validation, but he wonโt be getting any from me.โ
Jay bravely handles the three drunkards the whole way home, letting you and Sunghoon hang behind and carry on talking. You reach the boyโs apartment first, and yours five minutes later. But when you reach your front door, Minjeong announces she needs to talk to Sunghoon. โPrivately,โ she emphasizes.
You give Sunghoon an amused look and shrug as if to say โSheโs your problem now.โ He doesnโt have time to protest before youโve bid him goodnight and disappeared behind the door, Yunjin and Chaewon in tow, yelling good night at Sunghoon like theyโre not going to see him for months.ย
Minjeong places her palms flat onto Sunghoonโs torso and looks right at himโto the best of her ability, at least, considering sheโs having a hard time focusing her eyes. โSunghoon,โ she says gravely.
โMinjeong?โ
โListen, thereโs something Iโve been wanting to tell you,โ she says, slurring her words. โYou know I love Y/N, sheโs amazingโฆโ
โYeah, she is,โ Sunghoon says firmlyโalready, he can tell where this is going, and he doesnโt like it.
โBut sheโs not the best with relationships.โ
โWhat do you mean?โ
Minjeongโs hands drop by her sides and she exhales deeply. โIโve just never seen her in a committed relationship in the-in the almost four years Iโve known her. She never lets things get serious. Sheโs just so afraid of being hurt, Hoon, and I-โย
A hiccup escapes Minjeongโs lips as tears start pooling in her eyes. Sunghoon has only ever seen Minjeong cry when drunkโeven movies that had him sobbing barely made her eyes water. Even if she isnโt in her right state of mind, he knows it means this must be important to her. He holds her arms and tries to put on the most reassuring tone he can. โBut I wouldnโt hurt her.โ
โNo, I know that. Iโm scared youโd get hurt. I donโt want things to become weird between all of us.โ
Sunghoon shakes his head. โMinjeong, what-that wouldnโt happen.โ
โBut it will!โ she exclaimed. โIf something happens with you and her, and it doesnโt work out the way you want it to, itโll make things awkward-โ
โIf that happens,โ he interrupts, โIโll deal with it. I wonโt make it your guysโ problem. Y/N and I are adults, okay?โ
โYouโre like, nineteenโฆโ
โYeah, whatever. Donโt worry about it, okay? Itโll be fine.โ He takes a step back and opens the door for her to get in.ย
Sheโs only on the first stair when she turns back around. โBut, Hoon-โ she tries, though he cuts her off.
โMinjeong, I promise-โ
โJust donโt rush into anything, okay?โ
โOkay.โ
โAnd donโt say I didnโt warn you.โ
โGo inside.โย
She complies, giving him one last look before climbing the stairs to her apartment. Sunghoon closes the door behind her, a heavy sigh leaving his lips.
--
Sunghoon is on his way home from hockey practice when his phone buzzes with a text from you.
yn are you still up for doing something this week?
He almost throws his phone in the air in celebration, as if it was a graduation cap. His Sunday was spent going back-and-forth between lapidating himself for his drunken stupidity, memories, rough as stones, hitting him in the face every time he thought of what he said and how he acted, and congratulating himself for having finally made his feelings for you somewhat clearer. Hopefully, you now know he isnโt just awkward and silent around new peopleโwell, he is, but itโs worse with you.
She never lets things get serious.
Minjeongโs warnings echo in his head as he types a positive โ although not over-enthusiastic, โcause thatโd be uncool โ answer, but he dismisses them easily. Perhaps he shouldnโt; Sunghoon is, after all, incredibly serious about any and all romantic encounters. The girl at the grocery store who reached for the same red bell pepper as him was the most serious thing to him in the world for a good ten minutes; all of his school crushes were of utmost importance to him, however long they had lasted.
So this? This is capital-s Serious. But therein lies the problem; heโs so serious about you that heโd let you not make it serious. If Minjeong is right, and youโre not planning on taking this nearly as far as he wishes for it to go, he can already tell heโll just let you. Heโll probably be happy you wanted anything to do with him at all.ย
He has ways of reassuring himself, of convincing himself he isnโt a totally lost cause. Because when Sunghoon falls in love โ and he had an inkling this was what this was โ it usually goes as quickly as it came. Whoโs to say this time next week he wonโt have completely moved on? Maybe this date that heโs agreed to will go horribly wrong, youโll be rude to the waiter, youโll spill tomato sauce all over your shirt, and the flame in his heart will be put out. Easy as that.
You decide to meet on Wednesday evening, two days from now. Sunghoon suggests a Japanese restaurant he likes, a place he had gone to with his mom and sister when they had dropped him off at university before his first year, and that he knows is nice enough for a date but wonโt burn a hole through his wallet.
Seeing you at the library the day before is a real thrill. Nobody but you knows of your plansโat least not until he caves in and tells Jay about it, who congratulates him with a roll of his eyes and a pat on the head. All of your eye contact feels loaded with the kind of complicity that comes with sharing a secret. As much as he would love boasting about it to every soul whoโd listen, this secrecy electrifies himโit binds the two of you with something much more real than before. At least, more real than Sunghoonโs imagination and one-sided feelings. He knows that your text wasnโt in any way a confession of your own feelings for him, but itโs a step in the right direction.
In the few hours before your reservation at seven p.m., Sunghoon spends so much time thinking about the date that heโs almost late for it. He thinks about his expectations, then tries to get rid of them; he comes up with ideas of what your expectations might be, remembers Minjeongโs words, dismisses them, remembers them again; he goes through scenarios upon scenarios of everything that might go wrong and everything that might go spectacularly well. He ends up with less than twenty minutes to get ready, but manages to arrive at the restaurant a minute before you.
When he sees you approaching, Sunghoon feels like one of those boys in Disney movies as they watch their girlfriend coming down the stairs in her prom dress. Youโre not wearing an over-the-top poofy purple dress, but the effect is the sameโhis eyes are glued on you with every step you take towards him.
You grab him by the arm and lead him into the restaurant as soon as you reach him. Heโs too busy taking in your appearance to be bothered by it. โDonโt look at me like that,โ you chide as you wait for waiting staff to seat you. Heโd actually think you were mad at him if it wasnโt for the small smile playing on your lips.
โLike what?โ
โLike what youโre doing right now! Youโre staring.โ
Realization slowly dawns on him; your gazes have made him lose his composure too many times for him not to know what being flustered looks like. Heโd be lying if the fact that it was you in this tight spot and not him didnโt heavily stroke his ego.ย
โWhy wouldnโt I? You look beautiful,โ he says, dropping his voice to a whisper so that the approaching waitress canโt hear. Her presence saves you from responding verbally, but as she brings you to your table, you pinch his arm lightly as if to say Be on your best behaviorโalthough Sunghoon would argue this was his best behavior.
You have trouble making up your mind about the foodโyou want to try everything on the menu. Sunghoon tentatively offers to order a bunch of dishes and share them. โItโs what my family always does at the restaurant, just try as much as you want and take the leftovers to go. We never ate out very often because my mom would spend so much money every time,โ he recollects, smiling fondly.
โThat actually sounds like a dream. My parents would never do that. It was always just eat what you got, but Iโm unable to look at someone elseโs food and not want to try it. It honestly should just be common practice to share dishes at the restaurant.โ
Sunghoon thinks he could get down on one knee right then and there. Whenever they went out to eat, the boys would roll his eyes at him when he stole bites of their food. But youโyouโre like him. He knows heโs prone to over-exaggeration, but he canโt help but feel like if you understand each other on this, you must understand each other at a molecular level.
He had expected a level of awkwardness to your date, at least at the beginning โ God knows the moments in which he doesnโt feel like a mumbling fool in front of you are few and far between โ but to his surprise, everything goes smoothly. There is no uncomfortable silence, all his jokes miraculously land, even the lousy ones, and you both laugh and talk and share sushi and pork cutlets like itโs the most natural thing in the world, which perhaps it is. His attempts at flirting are well-received and he only turns violently red twice when you compliment him and smile at him in a particularly pretty way.
Itโs that day at the beach all over again. Always on the same page, you dip in and out of topics with a synergy he has rarely felt before. Sunghoon realizes it must be the presence of others, rather than you yourself, that makes him feel like he canโt act the way he wants to around you, makes him so nervous. Save for the moments where you make his heart flutter like a thousand butterfliesโ wings, he actually feels quite at ease with you, all things considered. Of course, he still tries โ and fails โ to look cool for you, but he knows it comes from a place within himself rather than because you make him feel as though he has to meet a certain standard. Surprisingly, he can be totally himself, and it seems to be enough for you.
He loves his friends. He wouldnโt trade them for the world. But heโs not sure he wonโt have moments where heโll wish nothing more than for them all to go away and leave the two of you be.
You eat until you canโt anymore and are still left with enough food for another full meal. You only let him get the bill once heโs promised that next time will be on you. If it means thereโll be a next time, heโs more than happy with making that promise. The sun has set when you exit the restaurant. Sunghoon shivers as he steps outside, the temperature having gone down by at least four degrees in the last two hours.
You grab his hand; it warms him right up.
Your apartment is a thirty-minute bus ride away, but Sunghoon offers to walk you home. Anything to spend more time with you.
He spends the first few minutes of the walk worrying about his hand, whether itโs too clammy, whether itโs holding yours right, but he eventually relaxes into the touch. When a particularly chilly gust of wind blows, you drop his hand and hold onto his arm instead, inching closer to him for more warmth.ย He only drank lemonade with his meal, but he feels blissfully light-headed.
Silence only arrives when you reach your doorstep. You stand in front of each other, Sunghoon looking down at his feet, you gazing out at the empty street. He knows this is the moment where he is supposed to kiss you. If there was a step-by-step guide on how to date โ there probably is, but Sunghoon hasnโt resorted to such loser-like measures yet โ this would probably be the moment where it would be written to just kiss her, you idiot. But nerves get the best of him.
At least, youโre there to save the day. You direct your gaze towards him, a bashful smile playing on your lips. โSoโฆ are you gonna kiss me now?โ you ask, essentially reading his mind.ย
He reacts immediately. โY-yep. Yes. I am.โ Heart racing, he takes a step towards you as he rests his hands on your waist. Then he changes his mind, and brings one hand up to your cheek. Thereโs an eyelash that has fallen below your eye; he brushes it out of the way with his thumb before leaning in and pressing his lips against yours.
In all of his late-night scenarios and daydreams of kissing you, he had never imagined something as good as this. You find your rhythm within seconds. Itโs slow, almost hesitant, yet so tender, it makes Sunghoonโs heart ache. As your lips move against each other in perfect sync, as your hands find their way around Sunghoonโs neck, he realizes he should have known โ this will not go away as quickly as it came.
Only when you grab a fistful of his hair, making him react viscerally and wrap his arm around your waist to bring you closer to him, does he remember where the two of you are. He leans back, then almost passes out when you chase his lips and press a shorter but just as sweet kiss there. He commits this view to memoryโthe smile on your lips, the glow on your face, the haziness in your eyes.
โDo you wanna come up?โ
โYes,โ he replies immediately, and it makes you laugh. You grab his hand and lead him up the stairs and into your apartment.
โAre the girls in?โ he asks as you lock the front door.
โMinjeong is at karaoke with her school friends, and Yunjin and Chaewon are at a dinner party somewhere.โ
โMinjeong karaokes?โ
โGet enough G&Ts in her and sheโll do anything.โ
You turn on a small lamp in your room and take off your jacket. Sunghoon has been in your apartment before, but never in your roomโat some point, heโll spend an hour observing every photograph and trinket in detail, asking you about every backstory, but right now, heโs got more important things to tend to. His heart beats uncontrollably as you shut the door to your room and walk towards him, eyes gazing deeply into his. The corners of your lips rise when you tug at the bottom of his sweatshirt, a clear indicator that you want it off. He wastes no time in obliging.
The air is buzzing with electricity when your lips find each other again. Youโre both more confident this time around, and so the kiss is deeper, your touches bolder. Everything happens quicklyโone second, youโre standing in the middle of your room; the next, youโre laying on your bed, Sunghoon underneath you.ย
โYou know,โ he says between kisses, โIโd really planned on being a gentleman and not going up to your room after the first dateโฆโ
Your lips move from his lips to his jawline, warm and soft against his skin. Sunghoon closes his eyes and lets out a low hum of approval. โIโm glad you changed your mind,โ you whisper, lips brushing against his neck as you speak. โAnd since weโre onto confessions, I can finally say Iโve been wanting to do this since we met.โ
This information sends his mind reeling. Not once had he been sure of how you felt about him โ he even remembers you saying no to a kiss โ and here you are, saying youโve been wanting to kiss him since the beginning, just like he had.ย
โYouโre me,โ he replies breathlessly.
โHm?โ
โI mean, me too.โ
You pause your kisses to giggle, a sound so soft and intimate it has Sunghoon melting impossibly more. โYouโre me?โ
Unfortunately, he is too preoccupied by you to put a filter between the weird, half-formed thoughts in his brain and the words that leave his mouth. โDonโt question it,โ he says, a smile audible in his voice, before moving his head and catching your lips. If he couldnโt stop himself from saying odd things, he could at least distract you from them.
Sunghoon thinks heโs doing a good job keeping himself together, until you roll your hips against his. Itโs barely anything, but it sends waves of pleasure and anticipation through his body. His grip on your waist tightens, and when you repeat the motion, his hands sneakily find their way down your back and under your dress. Palms splayed against your ass, he brings you down closer to him. The second you moan into the kiss, heโs a goner.ย
After that, it doesnโt take long for clothes to be discarded or for curious fingers to find the otherโs waistbands. Your movements are hasty, messyโthe tension that had built up over weeks of pining for you, after getting close to kissing you twice and thinking about it a hundred times more, it all comes crashing down in this moment, as his teeth sink into the flesh of your neck, as your hands pull at strands of his hair, as your bodies gently bump into each other. If someone asked Sunghoon right now how long heโd known you, heโd say years, not mere weeks. It couldnโt possibly be real that this much desire had accumulated inside of him โ and inside of you, if your broken moans and rapid breathing are anything to go by โ in just over a month.ย
He only slows down when he has you naked and heaving underneath him, reminding himself to savor the moment instead of rushing it. His fingertips graze down your sides until they reach between your thighs, and he marvels at the way his touch makes you shiver. His eyes are so wide with amazement at the sight of you that he probably looks like heโs never seen a woman before, but he canโt help himselfโhe always thought you were beautiful, but this is something else entirely.ย
His first touch is hesitant, a slow upward motion of his thumb between your folds as if quite literally testing the waters. But it has you arching your back and gripping his bicep, meeting his eyes to silently plead for more. Sunghoon takes that as his green light, thumb circling your clit as his lips continue their work on your neck, on your face, everywhere they can reach. He slips a finger inside of you, then a second one, and when he is satisfied with the state heโs gotten you in, all disheveled and gasping for air, he replaces his fingers with his dick, rock-hard just from seeing and hearing you.
He slowly inches forward until heโs bottomed out, letting you adjust around him. โAll good?โ he whispers, lips moving against the shell of your ear.
โNever better,โ you whisper back, smiling. You kiss him, and the tenderness of your lips on his, mixed with the feeling of being inside you, has Sunghoonโs heart constricting inside his chest. He starts rocking his hips back-and-forth into you, the side of his face is pressed up against yours, head light from the little oxygen the two of you share. It all feels oddly intimate for a first time, feels more like the kind of sex two people would have after years of knowing each otherโs bodies. He moves like itโs second nature, thrusts deep and slow, trying to reach those spots that have your hands clawing at his back. He wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him, using his free hand to push the hair that sticks to your face with sweat.
You wrap your legs higher around his hips, the shift in angle letting him go deeper. โFuck, right there,โ you say, voice strangled. Sunghoon doesnโt need to be told twiceโhe picks up his pace, and already within a minute, starts to feel himself reaching his limit. He tries to muffle his groans against your skin, but with the way your hold on him tightens and your moans go higher in pitch, you seem to be just as close as he is. When you do come undone around him, breath hitching in your throat before you release a heavy sigh, he has mere seconds left in him. A few thrusts later, his orgasm finally releases him from the tension that had been twisting his stomach into a knot for the past half-hour. Youโre both spent, but he continues lazily rocking his hips against yours chasing the last remnants of pleasure, wanting to bask in it just a bit longer. He rolls onto his back after sliding out, wrapping his arms around you. You bury your face in the crook of his neck.
His chest rises and falls as his breathing takes its time returning to normal. In a way, heโs almost relieved itโs over, like any longer wouldโve actually taken too much of a toll on him. He likes the comfort he gets from having you in his arms as much as the sex itself. โI didnโt know it could feel this good,โ he says, the words spilling out of his mouth before he can stop them. He needs more than a few minutes to get his head back on straight and start thinking before he speaks again. You chuckle airily, he chuckles too, and within seconds, youโre both laughing for seemingly no reason. The bliss of such an intense orgasm and the lack of oxygen must have gone to your brain, too.
โMe either,โ you say once the laughter dies down. When your lips find his once more, Sunghoon forgets entirely about his exhaustion and feels like he could go for a second round. โShower?โ you ask right when he realizes how sticky and smelly he is.
โYes, please.โ
He canโt keep his hands off of you in the shower, rubbing soap on every square inch of your skin when you could do it perfectly fine yourself, kissing you even when youโve both got foaming cleanser on your faces. The taste of soap in his mouth is worth the giggles he gets out of you.
Sunghoon reaches heaven when you drop to your knees in front of him, water rushing down his back as you take him in your mouth. Heโs eager to return the favor, of course, thumb flicking your clit with a speed and dexterity even he didnโt know he was capable of. If you werenโt already in the shower, youโd have needed another one.
As soon as your bodies hit the mattress, you both drift off to sleep, limbs wrapping around each other as though they had been separated for too long and finally found each other againโnot to let go again.
--
When Sunghoon wakes up, it takes him a few seconds to realize that he hadnโt dreamt up last nightโs events. He reaches a hand out hesitantly, still half-asleep and scared that youโll disappear into thin air at the touch of his fingertips. But noโhe feels your skin, warm and soft, and he knows this is real.
Youโre laying on your side, facing away from him, so he has to strain his neck to peek at your face. You look so peaceful as you sleepโhe doesnโt want to wake you up, but he canโt stop himself from wrapping an arm around your waist and pressing his torso against your back, humming contentedly to himself. He presses a soft, quiet kiss to the top of your head, just because he can.
Outside, clouds part, and a bright ray of sun shines through the window, landing right on your face. Sunghoon watches as you grumble and turn around, burying your face in his chest to avoid the blinding light, but the damage is doneโyouโre awake. He can tell from the drawled-out whine you let out and the way you grab tightly onto his waist, as if it was his fault the sun had decided to shine right on you.ย
He lets you settle in a comfortable position. Stays still as you hike your leg over his legs, then slip it between them instead; as you press your cheek against his chest, then bury your nose in his neck; as you wrap your arm around his waist, then move it to thread your fingers through his hair, until you give up on falling back asleep altogether. โItโs so bright in here,โ you mumble in lieu of a good-morning greeting.
You canโt see him, so Sunghoon smiles and tightens his grip around youโone arm circling your shoulders, the other, your waist. Skin to skin. โWe forgot to close the blinds yesterday.โ
โItโs okay,โ you say, sighing. You press a kiss to the base of his neck, right between his collarbones, then lift your face to look at him. โHow are you feeling?โ
This is what it feels like to wake up next to her, Sunghoon thinks. Heโd thought about it so many times: what you would look like first thing in the morning, what youโd say to him, what itโd feel like when your eyes met. If youโd be a slow sort of morning person, cuddling in bed with him until the very last possible second, or if youโd be up and about as soon as you woke up. If youโd be grumpy. If youโd want coffee. If you liked morning sex.ย
It seems to be a recurring theme that Sunghoonโs imagination never quite lives up to reality. Your sleepy eyes boring into his, struggling to stay open, your fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck; your skin, so warm and so soft, your scent, so intoxicating he can barely think straight.
Youโre better than a dream.
โI feel great. Do you feel great?โ
โI feel amazing, thank you so much for asking,โ you say, burrowing yourself impossibly closer to him.
The two of you stay like this for a while, talking about your plans for the day and begrudging how little you want to go about them. Sunghoon wishes this could go on forever, but then his stomach growls so loudly, his face turns red from embarrassment. He hadnโt even noticed how hungry he was.ย
โYouโre me,โ you say, laughing, and Sunghoon canโt help but join in. โIs it crazy to have last nightโs leftovers for breakfast?โ
What Sunghoon hears is that you want him to stay; that you donโt want to part ways just yet.
โIf by crazy you mean the best idea ever, then yes.โ
โAmazing, because Iโve been thinking about that curry all night.โ
โReally? I was thinking about something else,โ he says, burrowing his face in your neck and leaving warm kisses there.ย
You hum and lean into his touches, leaning into his touches. Chills run down his spine as your nails graze his sides. โThere mightโve been other things occupying my mind, too.โ
And just like that, breakfast is postponed to thirty minutes later.
--
After that night, Sunghoon forgets how to act right.
His mind has never been so singularly taken up by sex in all of his life. It was already preoccupied with you most of the time, but now that it has more material to gnaw on, itโs practically started to eat away at him. It doesnโt help that youโve seen each other every day since, or that at every chance you get, you smile knowingly at him or try to get him to play footsies with you. Of course, he loves every bit of attention that he gets from you, but whenever he feels his heart get carried away, Minjeongโs words come back to him in a panic, and he remembers that he has no idea what it is thatโs happening between you and him. You could be stringing him along, for all he knows, or you could be as into him as he is into you and just letting things happen. Unfortunately, just letting things happen was not something Sunghoon was good atโif things werenโt written black and white, heโd find a way to overthink even the littlest of details. Like how youโd kissed him for a good five minutes before letting him leave your apartment, otherwise known as the least platonic parting to exist, or conversely, like how youโd sometimes take hours to reply to texts.
If he was already a mumbling fool in front of you before, his condition has only worsened now. He tries his best to be normal and not make you or anyone in the group feel weird, but the fact is that you rocked his world and now he canโt look you in the eyes and not remember how it felt when you touched him or the sounds you made or the way you looked. Itโs all playing in a loop in his mind and the only way he knows how to control it is by limiting his interactions with you, which doesnโt even work that well.ย
The first couple days, you seem amused by his shyer-than-usual demeanor, but you quickly grow confused more than anything. Sunghoon wonโt sit next to you, only speaks to you when necessary, doesnโt seek you out outside of a group setting. He tells himself he just needs some more time to be able to be around you casually again, but before that happens, one day at the library, you make a point to ask him if heโll come help you get drinks for everyone from the dispenser machine. He knows itโd be too odd to say no, so he follows you.
He presses the buttons for everyoneโs order (a Sprite for him, Diet Cokes for the girls, a Red Bull for Jake who has a midterm tomorrow and nothing for Jay who only swears by his disgusting herbal infusion) as you lean against the machine, arms crossed over your chest as you stare at him.
He has never felt so awkward in his life.
โSoโฆโ he starts although he has no idea what to sayโhe hopes something will just appear in his mind and that itโll alleviate the tension. However, you seem to have other plans.
โWhat the hell, Sunghoon?โ you say, taking him aback. When he glances at you, you donโt seem angryโjust genuinely confused. โYouโve been avoiding me like the plague.โ
โI havenโt!โ
โSunghoon,โ you say sternly. He gives in right away.
โOkay, Iโm sorry. I just-I didnโt know what to do. After we, you knowโฆโ
โAfter we had sex?โ you say, then burst into laughter when he looks around the room to make sure no oneโs heard. His cheeks heat up.
โYes, after we had sex,โ he whispers.
He pays for the drinks and picks them up. When he looks at you again, your smile has completely died down, and worry has settled into your features. โDo you regret it?โ you ask, voice now as low as his. As if it hurts to say the words too loud.
Panic overcomes him, and he almost drops half of the drinks as he shakes his head. โNo, of course not! Iโm really sorry, Y/N, I never meant to be weird about it, I was just trying to wrap my head around everything, and I justโฆ Well, I just didnโt know what to do. Iโm sorry.โ
You nod, taking his words in. โThatโs fine. I get it. I just wanted to say, you know, it doesnโt have to change anything. We can still be friends and all. Like you said, it shouldnโt make things weird.โ
Sunghoonโs stomach drops. He knows youโre trying to make him feel better, but youโve inadvertently said the exact opposite of what he wanted to hear. He doesnโt want things to stay the same, or for you to stay friends. For him, things canโt go back to normal after that night โ whatever normal means for the two of you โ and he was foolishly hoping that you felt the same.
But clearly, you want to let the whole thing die and pretend like it never happened. And whether itโs a good thing or not, his feelings for you have grown so much, heโll just let you lead him anywhere. Even if that turns out to be nowhere.ย
So he conjures up the most convincing smile he can, hands you half of the drinks to carry, and says, โYeah, sounds good.โ
--
After that conversation, Sunghoon doesnโt think anything else will happen between the two of you. You had sex, you talked it out, and thatโs the end of it. But then, it turns out that both of your last midterms are at the same time, in the same building, so you invite him to celebrate with pork belly and some drinks. Sunghoon is finishing his second beer when he starts to feel like heโs on that date again, laughing for no reason, butterflies in his stomach every time his gaze catches yours. You lean on your hand as you listen to him talk about a stupid memory from his childhood and he thinks heโs never seen anyone as pretty as you.ย
The sun has long set when you say, โYou know, itโs Wednesday today.โ
Heโs not sure what youโre trying to get at. โYeah?โ
โMinjeongโs out at karaoke tonight.โ
With these simple words, all the images of you that Sunghoon had finally managed to banish from his mind come flooding back, and he is not even surprised to find himself half-naked in your bed thirty minutes later. So much for staying friendsโone time is one thing, but Sunghoon knows heโll never be normal again after a second time with you.
Itโs not a long time before he finds himself in your room again. Every item of clothing between the two of you is gradually discarded while you kiss, lips growing more impatient with every inch of bare skin uncovered. He reluctantly lets you go when you suddenly giggle and say that you really need to pee, watching as you grab his t-shirt off the floor and put it on, just in case Minjeong comes home. You wear it like itโs yours, like itโs the most natural thing in the world that youโd be wearing his clothes. An indescribable feeling washes over Sunghoon at the sight, so intense he feels tears welling behind his eyes. Like something heโs been yearning for is finally at the grasp of his fingers; like it might slip away at any moment.ย
His feelings mustโve transpired in the way he was looking at youโwhen you meet his eyes, your expression shifts slightly, and you quickly slip out of your room. He tells himself to reel it in. Get it together, he thinks. Or youโll drive her away.ย
A wave of tiredness hits him in the minute that youโre gone, probably due to all that soju and beer. โIโm back,โ you whisper, but he doesnโt move, only opens his arms wide for you to get back into bed with him. Itโs like a weight is lifted off his heart when he feels you against him again. Youโre back. Your face is fresh, as if youโd splashed it with cold water, but when he slips one of his hands underneath your (his) t-shirt, your skin is still just as warm as before. Far from the fuzzy, tingly feeling he had gotten when youโd woken up together the other morning, now, he feels his desire for you deep in the pit of his stomach. The kind of hunger food couldnโt satisfy. โI missed you,โ he whispers, voice low and gravelly. He reacts immediately when you squirm against him, tightening his grip around your waist and pulling you to him.
โI was gone two minutes.โ
โI mean these past few days. I was starting to think Iโd dreamt you up.โ His hand on your lower back sneaks its way up between your bodies until it finds your breasts, cupping one of them with his palm before taking your nipple between his thumb and index, gently twisting. It pulls a half-gasp, half-moan from your throat, and the sound goes straight to his dick. โBut youโre real, arenโt you?โย
โVery real,โ you reply, a tremor in your voice. Heโs barely touching you, and youโre already having trouble breathing. Sunghoon smiles at the idea of him having as much of a hold on you as you do on him.
โGood,โ he says, voice so low itโs almost a growl. In one quick sweep, he pushes you down so your back is against the mattress, resting his palms on each side of your head.
Heโs inside you within mere minutes. Heโd wanted to hold back a bit, but you whispering Just put it in after thirty seconds of his fingers loosening you up was enough to convince him. His mind is already fuzzy with remnants of alcohol, and his overwhelming desire for you only makes matters worse. He barely has any control over his movements, rushed and sloppy, but as he drives himself deeper into you, your moans increase in volume. He only later realizes how tight his grip on your hips is when he sees two small bruises forming on the skin there.ย
He comes quickly, probably embarrassingly so, but he canโt bring himself to careโheโs got other things on his mind. Heโs not even bothered to discard the condom as he makes his way down your body, lips around your clit before youโve even had the time to register what was happening. You cry out, a sound that Sunghoon works to pry out of you over and over again. Even when your thighs start shaking and you squirm away from him, he doesnโt relent. Heโs just as desperate to make you feel good as he was desperate chasing his own pleasure earlier. He hooks his arms around your thighs, bringing you down to him and ensuring that you canโt get away. One hand still in his hair, the other clutching the bed sheets, youโve turned your face sideways into the pillow so that your moans come out muffled. He is only satisfied when youโve reached your second orgasm.ย
As your breath slowly returns to normal, Sunghoon makes his way back up your body, leaving a trail of kisses in his wake. You clear your throat of its dryness and burst into soft, quiet laughter. โWhatโs funny?โ Sunghoon murmurs, lips against your neck.ย
โNothing,โ you say, still laughing. โThat was just really, really nice.โ
Sunghoon smiles. โIโm glad,โ he says before kissing you, lips moving slowly against yours.
As he lays against you, the top of his head under your chin and your fingernails grazing along his back, a weird feeling overcomes him. Sunghoon is usually a pine-from-afar sort of guy, with at least five instances of hanging out that could or could not be a date before making things any sort of official. The pining has been a constant with all of his crushes. Heโs gotten to the hanging out stage a couple of times, but the officialising has only happened once. Despite its low success rate, itโs a cycle Sunghoon feels comfortable with, and heโd imagined the rest of his romantic encounters would follow that pattern.ย
But this is completely different. Of the three times you guys have met separately from your friend group, already two times have included sex. This isnโt a stage Sunghoon usually reaches before at least a few months and it disorientates him. What does it mean? That you like him so much, you decided to skip all of the steps and jump straight into the thick of it? He is reasonable enough not to delude himself into such a thought. He likes you a lotโthat much he can be sure of. Heโs liked you since the moment he laid eyes on you, even if the reason eludes him. Something in the way you smiled at him, the way you took him in stride as if youโd known him forever. When he thinks back to that party, he canโt believe it started out as the two of you being strangers. Even now, feeling your warm skin against his, it feels like a lie that just two months ago he hadnโt even met you.ย
What he canโt say with total certainty is that you like him the same amount. Or that you like him any amount, really, although in his naivety he doesnโt understand how anyone could be this intimate with another person without liking them at least a little bit. And he doesnโt just mean the sex. He means this. The silently laying in each otherโs arms, the soft kisses, the caresses wherever hands can reach. Eating post-sex snacks together, laughing as you watch the first episode of each otherโs favorite sitcoms (Brooklyn Nine-Nine for him, Pen15, oddly enough, for you). Falling asleep together, cuddling the entire night then waking up and diving right back into each otherโs embrace.ย
After an entire day spent in rumination, Sunghoonโs still not sure what to make of it all.
All he knows is that when he DMs you that night, asking you how your day went, he goes through every emotion between anxiety, self-hatred and indifference in the five minutes that separate his text from your reply. Heโs never been so happy to hear that someone couldnโt concentrate in class because of him.
--
Sunghoon has always been obsessed with the way couples stand together in public.ย
Every time, it takes everything in him not to stare, because he wants to take in every little thing they do. He has that practically everywhere he goes, wanting to stare at people just to see what their deal is, but he is never quite as simultaneously fascinated and envious as when he spots a couple. But he knows staring isnโt the socially appropriate thing to do, so he either steals glances or watches for a little bit then pretends they arenโt there. He canโt help himselfโeven if they arenโt holding hands or obnoxiously making out in public, itโs still visible to anyone with eyes that there is something tying these people together. Itโs in the way they stand near each other, their bodies turned inwardly, as though enveloped by a bubble containing just the two of them and no one else; in the way they look at each other, their eyes never straying from the otherโs face as they talk, intimacy showing itself even in a loud, crowded room. Sunghoon craves to find that proximity, to be able to touch and be touched so softly, every graze of a hand purposeful and unconscious at the same time.
Itโs the first of November already. The Weather app, as it tends to do, has deceived you; so instead of a walk on what was supposed to be a sunny day, you find yourselves in a busy cafรฉ near the University, the air outside too chilly even with your scarves and gloves. Youโre waiting for your order at the end of the counter โ a mocha for him, an oat flat white for you โ when he notices it. Your body is fully facing him, youโre distractedly playing with the hem of his sweatshirt, and youโre not looking at anything but him as you rant about that annoying classmate of yours that goes by a self-made nickname and always talks over the tutor. In this light, the two of you are like the couples heโs always longed to beโthe simple thought makes him want to cry. As more and more often is the case these days, you have no idea what youโre doing to him.
Itโs been around two months since you first met and in that time, although Sunghoon is lucky not to have enough fingers to count the number of times you have seen each other one-on-one, not much has happened. Minjeong, who had understood what was going on the first time she saw the two of you eating leftovers from the Japanese restaurant on the couch at 10 a.m., has grown accustomed to his presence in the apartment and even sometimes sits down to watch a movie with the two of youโa movie that Chaewon would usually have forced you to watch in the living room instead of the privacy of your bedroom, so that everyone could join. Sunghoon is just glad Minjeong has stopped silently scolding him with her eyes every time he comes out of your room. She never mentions that night when she essentially warned him against you after the party.ย
Jake seems to be the only oblivious one in your group. Yunjin and Chaewon have eyes like hawks and horrifyingly vivid imaginations when they put their heads together, so they were probably already making plans for your wedding and fighting for the title of godmother when you and Sunghoon met at the beginning-of-semester party. They cornered him once at a party and forced him to spill the beans and spare no detail, because you apparently were โdenying everything, but we know thereโs something going on.โ Jay is still Sunghoonโs go-to person when he needs advice concerning you, although the older boy doesnโt understand why it has to be so complicated and always tells him to โjust tell her how you feel,โ which Sunghoon will not do unless there is a gun to his head. But Jake just seems happy to see his friend and his sister get along this wellโno matter how many times you wear his jacket at their games or disappear at the same time at the end of parties, he doesnโt grow suspicious. If he does, he doesnโt mention it to Sunghoon, at least.
Between the two of you, not a word is spoken about the nature of your relationship, which remains unbearingly undefined. For a while, he weakly convinces himself that he doesnโt need to have that conversation with you. Heโs young, heโs free, he should be able to enjoy casual sex without putting a label on it. The main problem, though, was that the sex could not be further from casual, at the very least not to Sunghoon.
He has never known anything quite like it. In mere weeks, youโve both mastered the art of pleasuring each other. He understands your body like itโs his, knows what each of the sounds and expressions you make means. He knows where to touch you to have a kiss go from light-hearted to dizzyingly intense, how to move his mouth to have you arching your back and holding onto him for dear life. And youโhe thinks your skin must be laced with cocaine, the way he can never get enough of it.ย
But itโs always the moments afterwards that get him in his head. To him, casual sex means getting dressed the minute itโs over and going off to do other things, which is the absolute opposite of what you do. Whether itโs falling asleep together or spending Sundays in bed, you always stay together afterwards, curled up in each otherโs arms as you talk away the hours, conversations interspersed with slow, lazy kisses. Heโll say things like, โYouโre so pretty,โ or โWhy do you smell so good?โ because heโs so smitten with you that he can never stop himself from uttering every compliment that flashes through his brain, but the things he really wants to say are harder to speak out loud. Even just a What are we?โthree simple words that he canโt bring himself to ask, too scared itโll ruin everything.ย
Arguably worse is that sex isnโt even a requirement for when you and Sunghoon see each other. He goes on walks with you whenever youโve spent too much time in the library and need some fresh air. You go shopping with him when his department throws a fundraiser and he needs a formal outfit. He cooks you your favorite meal when your period is particularly nasty. You sneak into the ice rink after his practice and let him โteachโ you how to skate, even though you already learned how with Jake when you were kids. Even mundane moments become fun when spent with you, and you share so many hobbies and interests that you never run out of things to do or talk about.
And yet, it feels like one step forward, two steps back with youโif you let him close one night, youโll run away the next. A week will pass without you seeing each other outside of the library or group hang-outs, and if Sunghoon asks you out, youโll say no, usually blaming the amount of work you have. He gets itโdue to the nature of your degree and your being a fourth-year student, your workload is much heavier than his, with essays, translations and oral presentations due every other week. And thatโs not even including midterms and finals. But still, he doesnโt see why you would need to stay at the library for ten hours straight for days on end. Heโd start worrying about your health if you didnโt at least relax on weekends.ย
So while Sunghoon wants nothing more than to go all in with you, he senses you holding back. He notices you avoiding eye contact during particularly intimate moments, and when you look at him perhaps too fondly for your liking, you quickly catch yourself and resume your neutral, sometimes almost cold expression. When he tries to broach more personal, sensitive topics, you always find a way to change the subject or turn the conversation towards him before you get too deep.ย
As time passes, and especially as exam season nears, he can tell thereโs something that youโre not telling him about. His suspicions are confirmed when you come back from a weekend at your parentsโ house. Heโs also been away for an out-of-town hockey game, and because he hasnโt had much time to text you (and because their team won, so he wants to show off a little), heโs particularly looking forward to seeing you again that Monday. Itโs only been three days since youโve last seen each other, but he misses you like crazy.ย
But the minute youโre back, you bury yourself in work like never before, often waking up at ungodly hours and staying at the library until midnight. More than once, he stays behind with you, long after the others have gone, reminding you gently every hour that it might be time to go home and get some rest. The moments you actually agree are few and far between, and although he sticks it out at first, sleeping with his head on the table until you tell him youโre ready to go, your stubbornness soon starts frustrating him, and he ends up leaving when he gets too tired. He knows this is important to you, but he doesnโt understand why you have to go to these lengthsโyouโd still easily be one of the best students in your class without all this exertion. And despite his many attempts, you wonโt tell him whatโs wrong, wonโt even admit that something is wrongโyou keep repeating that โitโs just what exam season is like.โ
When he asks your friends about it, they seem just as confused as he is. One evening when you have plans to order some food and watch a movie at your apartment, he shows up at the agreed time, but youโre nowhere to be found. Thankfully, the girls are there to let him up and not leave him standing outside in the rain. You donโt pick up when he calls you and call him back a minute later, apologizing profusely but still saying that thereโs something you really need to finish first. If it was only a one-time thing, it wouldnโt make him as angry as it doesโbut this has been going on for almost two weeks now, and Sunghoon is close to boiling point.ย
The fact that itโs been months since your date at the Japanese restaurant, and the only thing that youโve said about what was happening between you and Sunghoon โdidnโt have to change anything.โ The fact that youโre essentially each otherโs boyfriend and girlfriend without the label or the reassurance that comes with it. The fact that thereโs something clearly bothering you but that you wonโt tell him about it. The fact that this something is effectively coming between the two of you. Sunghoon was originally more worried about you than anythingโnow that studying has taken obvious precedence over him in your list of priorities, heโd be lying if he said his ego wasnโt wounded. He isnโt asking to be the number one most important thing in your life, and he knew before even meeting you that high academic performance meant a lot to you, but he likes to think he deserves at least a little bit of your time and attention.ย
Except, does he really? Itโs not like youโre actually dating.
Thereโs a pang in his heart as he remembers this fact that he should never have forgotten in the first place. It hurtsโand so perhaps, heโs less patient than he ought to be.
โWhatever, Y/N. Donโt worry about it, just let me know when you have time for something other than getting As.โ
He hangs up and meets your flatmatesโ worried eyes.ย
โShe still at the library?โ Chaewon asks, tone delicate as if trying not to scare off a wounded animal. Sunghoon nods, a deep sigh escaping his mouth.ย
โShe always studies a lot,โ Minjeong starts, โbut this is something else.โ
โHave you guys tried saying something?โ
The girls nod. โEven Jake has talked to her, but she wonโt listen. And he usually always gets to her,โ Minjeong says.ย
He goes home soon afterwards and spends the rest of his evening in rumination, torn between his worry and his anger towards youโemotions which only increase as more days pass, and he sees less and less of you. Your behavior was already concerning while preparing for your exams and final assignments, it gets even worse when exams actually do start. He doesnโt hear from you for an entire week, and the one time you miraculously agree to a short group hang-out in the form of getting coffee, youโre only half there, physically present but mind far, far away. You barely react when the guys tell you about their victory at the latest hockey gameโwhich you didnโt attend, as well as any other game recently.ย
No matter how much he tries to put it out of his mind, to focus on his own exams and hockey games, you stay at the forefront of his thoughts. The hockey team is away for another out-of-town game when he decides to broach the subject with Jake, with whom heโs sharing a room. The entire semester, heโs been careful not to raise Jakeโs suspicions about the two of you, both out of consideration for you, whoโd mentioned you didnโt want your brother to know what was going on, and for himself, who would also rather Jake not know, at least not until your relationship became official. Which it never did. But now that all he gets from you is radio silence at a time when youโd usually be an hour into a FaceTime call, he canโt help himself.
Jake is just coming out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel, when Sunghoon takes his shot in the dark. โHave you heard from Y/N recently?โ he asks as nonchalantly as he can, pretending to not be avidly waiting for his friendโs reaction by keeping his eyes on his phone.
โY/N?โ Jake echoes. โNo, not really. Why?โ
โJust โcause I havenโt seen her around much. Iโm wondering if everythingโs okay.โ
โYou mean her staying at the library all day?โ Sunghoon nods; Jake sighs. โYeah, sheโll snap out of it soon enough. She gets somewhat like this every time exams come around, but even I have to admit itโs pretty tough this time around. The last time I saw her like this was way back in high school, and thatโs because our parents were watching right over her shoulder. Itโs been better in university thanks to the distance.โ
โSo this has to do with your parents?โ
โOh, one hundred percent. Sheโs always wanted to do well at school, but she only gets this obsessive when our parents are involved.โ
โI guess this did start after that weekend when she went homeโฆโ Sunghoon muses absent-mindedly. It couldโve passed off as an off-hand remark, but Jake pauses in his movements and looks at him warily.
โYeah, she didโฆ You noticed that, huh?โ
Sunghoon pauses. This whole time, he was sure Jake was oblivious to anything happening between you and himโbut he might have underestimated his friend. Like brother, like sister; he can hardly read either of you when he really needs to. Jake might genuinely be surprised that Sunghoon remembered your whereabouts that weekend, or heโs onto him. โI guess I did,โ he finally says, going for as noncommittal an answer as he can.
Jake says nothing for a bit, and Sunghoon thinks heโs managed to get through the conversation without raising too much suspicionโuntil a minute later, when Jake speaks again. โDo youโฆ like Y/N?โ
Sunghoon freezes, snapping his head towards Jake, whoโs lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. His first instinct is to deny, but thereโs no point pretending anymore. Itโs one thing keeping it from Jakeโlying to him about it is something else entirely. Itโs an uncomfortable conversation, but it must be had. โYeah, I do,โ Sunghoon replies, guilt clear in his voice, more because heโs only now admitting it to Jake than because of his feelings themselves.
A shaky breath comes out of Jakeโs mouth, as if this was the exact answer he had dreaded. โRight, okay. Since when?โ
โSince I met her, basically.โ
Jakeโs head whips towards Sunghoon, and their gazes meet awkwardly. โSince that party in September?โ he asks, shock written all over his face. Sunghoon nods, and to his surprise, Jake bursts out laughing. โDonโt tell me itโs because you accidentally matched costumes?โ
Sunghoon looks away, frowning. โThat mightโve helped things along,โ he mumbles, embarrassment washing over him as Jakeโs laughter intensifies. At least he was taking it wellโa bit too well, perhaps.
โYouโre so predictable, man,โ Jake says when heโs calmed down, wiping a tear from his eye.ย
โHow did you know, anyway?โ
โYouโve been pretty obvious with it recently,โ Jake replies after a few seconds. โI could tell you were a bit shy around her at first, and when it got better I just thought youโd become friends or something. But when she showed up with your jacket at every game and you never left her side at parties, I assumed something else was going on. Youโve always been staying behind at the library these days, and I know you donโt have that much work.โ
Sunghoon chuckles. โI guess I havenโt been trying hard to hide it lately.โ
โYeah, why would you hide it in the first place? You couldโve just told me.โ
โI didnโt want to make things weird.โ
Jake frowns. โIt wouldnโt have been weird. If anything, hiding it makes it weirder.โ
โI just thought, if one of my friends had a crush on my sister, Iโd probably rather they hid it. Like, I donโt need to know about that,โ Sunghoon says, and it makes Jake laugh.
โDude, Y/N and I are only a year apart. Do you know how many guys have come up to me asking me for her number or advice on how to ask her out? Itโs been, like, one every few months since middle school. Guys here especially have no shame telling me how hot they find her.โ
Sunghoon makes a face. He doesnโt disagree, but heโd never go out of his way to tell your brother how exquisite you looked in certain outfits. โThatโs gross.โ
โYeah, it is. But youโre my friend, not some greasy rando, so I trust you. If anything, Iโd probably have to tell her to be nice to you, and not the other way around.โ
โYeah, you could say that again,โ Sunghoon grumbles, then realizes his mistake immediately, eyes widening.
โWhat do you mean?โ Jake asks, sounding genuine at first, but when Sunghoon stays quiet for a couple seconds, debating whether he should just lay the truth bare, Jake sits up on the bed and repeats his question, his tone much warier this time around. Sunghoon glances at him then looks away guiltily.
โWell, to be completely honestโฆ Weโve sort of been seeing each other, kind of. But itโs complicated.โ
Jake flops back down on his mattress with a grunt. โWho else knows?โ he asks, rubbing at his eyes with his hands as if suddenly very exhausted.
โEveryoneโฆโ
โEveryone?!โ
โWell, Jay, Minjeong, Yunjin and Chaewon.โ
โSo everyone.โ
โBasically, yeah.โ
โGreat.โ Jake sighs. โSince when?โ
โSince October,โ Sunghoon mumbles, feeling guiltier than ever. Heโs belatedly realizing that it wouldโve been much easier to have everything out in the open from the get-go, both with you and with Jake; now heโs both stuck in situationship limbo and has to face the consequences of keeping something this important from one of his closest friends. โAre you upset?โ Sunghoon asks, feeling a bit like a ten-year-old.
โKinda, yeah, but more at her than at you. Iโve told her not to go after anyone from the hockey team.โ
โโCause of Heeseung?โ
โYeah. God, that was messy. He gave her mixed signals for so long, I could barely talk to him without thinking of her crying for so long. And now heโs the one who canโt quite look me in the eye,โ Jake says, shaking his head at the mere thought of his captain.
โWas it that bad? She made it seem like it wasnโt that big of a deal.โ
Jake raises his eyebrows. โReally? It upset her for a while though,โ he says, then turns his head to look at the ceiling again. โI guess thatโs not so surprising of her. She sometimes likes pretending she doesnโt have any emotions, even though Iโm pretty sure she has more than most people.โ
โHuh.โ That would explain some things, Sunghoon muses. Emotions are not a topic that comes up very often with you, and every time heโs gotten an inkling of them, you seem to shut it all down immediately.
โBut you know, Iโm more surprised than anything. Aboutโฆ about it all, really. Not just that youโre only telling me now, but that itโs lasted this long. She must really like you.โ
โYou think?โ Sunghoon says, his face brightening with hope, the words slipping from him before he can stop them once again. He shrinks when Jake laughs at him.
โLook at you. Down bad, huh?โ
โShut up.โ
โBut yeah, dude. Iโve told you about this. Iโve never seen her in a relationship, ever. Says she doesnโt have the time,โ Jake says, air-quoting you. โIโve only had the displeasure of seeing her go home with one-night-stands. You know that since she started college, sheโs had a rule that sheโd only see someone three times and that was it?โ
โSeriously?โ
โYeah, so she wouldnโt catch feelings. Iโm telling you, sheโs crazy. So you must be special.โ
Sunghoon canโt stop the smile from spreading on his lipsโspecial. But it doesnโt make him feel that much better, either. โItโs not like weโre actually dating, so Iโm not sure how special I can beโฆโ
Jakeโs head turns to look at Sunghoon again, but the younger boy keeps his eyes trained on the ceiling fan above him. โWhatโs happening between you guys?โ
A blush creeps on Sunghoonโs cheeks. โIs this something you really want to talk about?โ
โWell, spare me the gruesome details, please,โ Jake says, chuckling, โbut yeah, I would like to know whatโs going on with my best friend and my sister.โ
โIโm your best friend?โ Sunghoon says, grinning as he meets Jakeโs gaze, who rolls his eyes.
โDonโt change the subject.โ
โFine.โ He sighs. โWell, I didnโt think it would happen more than once-โ
โWhat would happen more than once?โ
Sunghoon pauses. โWell, you knowโฆโ Jake gives him a look as if to say, Well, no, I donโt know, so Sunghoon is forced to go on: โSleeping together.โ
โYou guys slept together?!โ Jake exclaims, sitting up on his bed once again.
โYeah, what did you think?โ
โI donโt know, just that you were going on dates, hanging out one-on-one, or whateverโฆโ
โWell, we were.โ
โUgh, whatever,โ Jake says, waving his hand in front of his face like swatting a fly away. โSo, not just once, then?โ
โNo. And I thought itโd be a one-time thing, โcause a few days afterwards she said something about it not having to change our friendshipโฆโ
โDamn.โ
โYeah. But then it did. Happen again, I mean. And itโs been happening frequently since. But weโre notโฆ dating dating. We havenโt had that conversation.โ
Jake frowns. โWhy not?โ
Sunghoon releases a shaky breath. Why not, indeed. โโCause she hasnโt mentioned it. And Iโm too scared to do it.โ
โWhat are you scared of?โ
โThe typical stuff. What we have nowโฆ itโs not what I want, but itโs managed to not disrupt the group, you know. Iโm scared that if I tell her how I feel, itโll make things awkward between the two of us, and between all of us by extension.โ
โWell, it might,โ Jake says after thinking for a few seconds. โI wish I could tell you with certainty that sheโll like you back, but I honestly canโt. As obvious as you were towards her, she was not giving anything away.โ Sunghoon chuckles, more out of self-deprecation than anything. This was not the pep talk he had hoped for. โBut, I can tell you that she wonโt be the type to make things awkward. You have nothing to risk by telling her, because in the long run, youโll be better off that way. I know you, Sunghoon. Youโll be miserable if you canโt be fully yourself with someone.โ
Decidedly, Sunghoonโs friends had a way of telling him the exact opposite of the things he wanted to hear while being completely right. He wishes things with you could stay the same โ minus the overworking yourself and ignoring him in the process โ and that he wouldnโt have to do anything that might make them change. But just as Jake said, heโd also reach a point where he couldnโt take it anymoreโa point he was already inching closer and closer to with every passing day. He likes you enough to let you not define the relationship, but he likes you too much to let it go on. He likes you too much to not be able to tell you, and show you, and remind you of it every day. He hated having to hold back, and he hated feeling you holding back. He wanted to give you his all and he wanted all of you, too, not just bite-sized portions of you.
โYouโre right,โ he finally says. โI havenโt been able to talk to her lately, but Iโll have to tell her soon enough. When her exams are over, I guess.โ
Jake sighs. โYeah. I donโt know if thereโs any getting through to her right now.โ
โSheโs blown me off so many times! I donโt know what sheโs doing, spending so many hours in that library. Iโd go insane.โ
โSheโs a perfectionist,โ Jake says, shaking his head. โIโve talked to her about it. When it comes to school, she needs everything to be as flawless as can be. She spends hours re-reading and editing her work. Itโs not good.โ
โNot really, no.โ
โBut sheโs only got a week left. Iโll try to convince her not to go home for too long, and itโll be better after the holidays. Then weโll make sure thereโs not a repeat of this next exam season.โ
He thinks of Christmas break and of not seeing you for two weeks; of next semester and going through all of this with you a second time. The uncertainty, the fooling around behind your friendsโ backs โ although that might not be needed now that Jake is in on it too โ Sunghoonโs not sure if he can go through it all again. โYeah, we will.โ
--
They lose their game the following day. They had an amazing run, either winning or tying every game so far; this loss is not enough to make them drop significantly in the rankings, but itโs enough to demoralize Sunghoon. It couldnโt have come at a worse timeโbetween you and this failed game, his self-esteem is taking a real hit.
He dared hope for some comfort from you once he was back, but in vain. He doesnโt know why he imagined your attitude mightโve changed overnight, and when he texts you asking to hang out, the same old sorry I canโt atm fills his phone screen. And just like that, as strong as his feelings for you have been all this time, so is his resentmentโunwarranted, perhaps, but he thinks he deserves better than this, and heโs both angry at you for not giving him anything and at himself for letting it happen.
Now, heโs the one who spends hours working himself to the bone in the ice rink, whoโs clearly preoccupied with other things when everyone gets together, and who doesnโt even show up to the party the whole group goes to when youโre all done with exams. The last game before winter break is in two days, and he doesnโt want to waste a day nursing a hangover when he could be practicing.
That night, he thinks everyone is out at some random club downtown, so he does a double-take when itโs past eleven p.m. and you show up at the rink. Heโs skating laps, practicing his speed and his goal-shooting, only noticing you when youโre standing in the middle of the rink. He almost skates right into you.
โY/N?โ he asks, not completely sure youโre not just a figment of his imagination. Heโs so exhausted, he wouldnโt be surprised if he were dreaming you up.
โJay texted me.โ
โOh. Why?โ Heโs out of breath, and the words come out blunter than he intends them to.
โBecause itโs almost midnight and youโre still here,โ you reply, crossing your arms over your chest. Thereโs a hint of a smile on your lips, but your eyebrows are furrowed in what looks like worry. Itโs the first time Sunghoonโs seeing you concerned over something other than an assignment.ย
He shrugs and resumes his laps, slower this time, forcing you to keep turning on your feet. โIโm practicing. Thereโs a big game coming up.โ
โWhich is exactly why you should be resting, like everyone else on your team right now.โ
He resists rolling his eyes. โWhy would I rest when I could be getting better?โ
โBecause you need rest as much as you need practice. You wonโt be any use on the rink if youโre too tired to play properly.โ
โAnd I wonโt be any use if I canโt shoot properly, either.โ
โSunghoon, you need a break. Youโre clearly exhausted-Will you stop it?โ you suddenly snap. โIโm trying to talk to you, and Iโm getting dizzy.โย
Your small outburst only has him growing more agitated, and even though he does stop, itโs more so you can see the annoyance on his face than anything. โYou know, this is a bit rich coming from you, Y/N.โ He knows this is not the right time to bring this upโif he has grievances against you, he shouldnโt be bringing them up when heโs already frustrated. Heโs well aware of this, but he canโt help himself.
You scoff. โExcuse me?โ
โYouโre the one who spends twelve hours a day in the library during exams and does not budge even if I tell you you should go home.โ
โThatโs different-โ
โHow is it any different?โ he interrupts, voice rising. โYou donโt listen to me when you overwork yourself. I donโt see why I should.โ
โSo you realize that youโre overworking yourself?โ
โOf course I do! But I have to.โ
โNo, you donโt-โ
โY/N, please. I have to win as much as you have to get the top grades. Is it actually necessary? No, but you know how shit it feels not to.โ
โAnd itโs exactly because I know that feeling that Iโm telling you to stop. Youโre just feeding into it.โ
โSo are you, staying until 2 a.m. in the library. Youโve never once gone home when I asked you to.โ
โAgain, thatโs different-โ
โHow?! How is it different? Please enlighten me, โcause theyโre the exact same thing to me.โ
You sigh. A sudden sadness appears on your face. Sunghoon is torn between wanting to see this to its end and taking everything heโs said back. But he keeps quiet, and your eyes, when they meet his again, harden. โAre you really gonna make me say it?โ
โYes.โ
As if you couldnโt say your next words while looking at him, you tear your gaze away from his face. โBecause Iโm actually concerned about you, here. The only reason you want me to stop and go home is so we can fuck.โ
Sunghoon is so astounded that all words fail himโhe stares at you, mouth wide open like you just shot him. After a few seconds, all heโs able to come up with is an incredulous, โWhat?โ His voice is a mere whisper.ย
โYou heard me,โ you say coldly.
He closes his mouth and swallows. โSoโฆ youโre the one whoโs worried, and Iโm only after sex?โ
You glance at him. โYeah.โ
A chuckle escapes Sunghoonโs throat, then another, until laughter spills out of him uncontrollably. He feels like the world is upside down. How could you have lived the same thing and come out of it with such different perspectives? Your account of his intentions with you is so ridiculous and unfathomable to him that he canโt do anything but laugh.
You seem taken aback at first, but your surprise quickly turns into annoyance. โSomething funny?โ
โHilarious, actually,โ he says, holding his stomach. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. All he finds at the end of his amusement is anger, bright red and hot. Itโs not an emotion he feels often, its rarity only serving as an intensifierโhe starts making his way out of the rink before it can explode and hit you in its wake. โWell, thatโs convinced me to call it a day. So you got what you came for, I guess.โ
His fingers tremble as he undoes the laces on his skates and puts his sneakers on again. You stand by the door of the rink, holding onto the frame as you look at him, that same sad look still on your face. โHoon,โ you say, voice weak. What would usually have him melting only has his anger flare harder.
โDonโt. For the first time ever, I actually really donโt want to talk to you right now.โ He stands up, gives you one last harsh look, and turns away. He only halts right before exiting the bleacher area, and after a couple seconds of thinking, turns back around. โOh, but donโt worry, Iโll let you know when I want to fuck again. Since thatโs all this is, clearly.โ
--
It seemed to you no one thought you were good enough for Sunghoon.
Only Yunjin and Chaewon seemed excited at the prospect of the two of you getting together, or at least getting to know each other, but they were also the type to coo at dogs in the street and tear up at the sight of old people holding hands; Minjeong was apprehensive from the start, and made it clear; Jay was indifferent; Jake was oblivious for a while. Sunghoon wasโฆ
What was Sunghoon?
Someone who had come out of nowhere, shaken up your routine and messed with your head. Thatโs what Sunghoon was. He didnโt seem apologetic in the slightest.
Maybe it was your fault for not opening up to the people closest to you and letting them think you were some kind of no-strings-attached one-night-stands-only emotionless maneater who had been single for as long as they had known her, who would be seen with someone new every few months, and never for long, who, as far as the eye could tell, only used men for sex. Maybe it was their fault for never trying to dig deeper.
No, okay, it was definitely your fault.
Based on your conversations with your friends, they thought Heeseung had broken your heart, and you had never bounced back properly. Heโd hurt you so much, you couldnโt fathom a real relationship anymoreโyou could only be with someone casually. Which wasnโt so far from the truth, but what Heeseung had done was much worse than just breaking your heart. Heโd confirmed what you already knew of yourself: you want too much. You want what you canโt have, what you donโt deserve.
From the moment you met Park Sunghoon, you knew you didnโt deserve someone like him. Minjeong seemed to agree, and when she saw you and him together at choir that Saturday in September, three months ago already, she made sure you knew her thoughts on the matter.
โThis is soโฆ unlike you,โ was the first thing sheโd said after she pulled you aside.ย
โWhat is?โ
โThis,โ she repeated, waving her arms around. โBeing here. Coming with him.โ She pointed at Sunghoon, whose hair was being ruffled by one grandma and his cheek pulled by another. He kept glancing back worriedly at youโyou liked him so much already. โSee? Youโre smiling at him,โ she said, making you realize a sappy smile had started growing on your lips at the sight of him. Your face dropped and you scoffed at the disgust in her voice.
โYeah, some of us like to smile. You wouldnโt understand.โ
โY/N, you know what Iโm trying to say.โ
โI donโt think I do, actually.โ
She sighed. โYou donโt do this. You donโt meet a guy and show up to his choir practice the next morning. Whatโs happening?โ
You crossed your arms over your chest. Had you known your presence would be questioned like that, you mightโve thought twice about coming. โCanโt a girl enjoy a choir without getting interrogated these days?โ
โYouโre avoiding my question! Listen, Y/N. Sunghoon is not the kind of guy you usually go for. Heโs-Stop. Donโt smile at me like that.โ
โIf you like Sunghoon, you can just tell me. You know I wouldnโt stoop so low as to go after a guy my best friend likes.โ
โSo you are going after him?โ
โSo you do like him?โ
Minjeong shook her head violently and put her hands on your shoulders, staring into your brain as if trying to make you see some sense. Calmly, she said, โNo, I donโt. Sunghoonโs nice, but he is so far from my type. Heโs tooโฆ nice.โ
โYou mean he doesnโt wear leather jackets or ride a motorcycle?โ
โThat was once. But no, he doesnโt do that. And what Iโm trying to tell you is that heโs not your type either.โ
โAnd how have you gathered that?โ
โBecause so far, youโve only wisely chosen guys who are as detached and emotionally stunted as you.โ
โIโm not-โ
โBut heโs not like that, Y/N. Heโs the bring-home-to-your-parents-for-Christmas type. Not the hump-and-dump type.โ
โIโm starting to get offended by this conversation.โ
โAll Iโm saying is, donโt go breaking his heart. Or yours, for that matter. It pains me to say but I care about both of you very much and I donโt see this going anywhere good.โ
You shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. Was her opinion of your romantic tendencies โ or lack thereof โ that bad that she couldnโt even recommend you to her friend? You felt like a chastised child whose mom told you you couldnโt get the toy you wanted. Despite being well aware that you werenโt the most committed when it came to relationships, you still felt like she was going overboard. Just because nothing had stuck so far didnโt mean it wouldnโt nowโshe was acting like you went around playing with peopleโs feelings for fun.
โJesus, this is my second time seeing him. I just wanna see what his deal is. Iโm not breaking anyoneโs heart, okay?โย
The choir conductor had called out for everyone to gather on stage then, and that was the end of that conversation. You still remember how funny of a thing it was, seeing Sunghoon in his nice shirt and trousers, his hair falling into his eyes, singing diligently with the choir, when just the night before he had been playing beer pong dressed as Cowboy Ken. In this new light, you understood why Minjeong was so adamant about him not being your usual type, and why the grandmas were fussing over him. You hadnโt known what had pushed you to invite yourself to this rehearsal, and even then as you sat there, you werenโt sure what you were doing or why you couldnโt stop smiling as you watched Sunghoon sing.ย
Time made things clearer, starting with that afternoon at the beach. The salt in the air that day had clouded your thoughts, covered them with a thin layer so that your usual reluctance to share anything remotely personal had dimmed. Or maybe it had had nothing to do with the air and everything to do with the boy sitting next to you on the sand, the way words came tumbling out of your mouth before you could think about them and were only met with understanding and empathy on his part. For once, you didnโt feel the need to guard yourself, to adapt your words and actions to the person in front of you. It was something you didnโt know was possible with a near strangerโperhaps because Sunghoon felt nothing like one.
He made you feel things you hadnโt felt in a long time; things you had been craving to feel, needed almost as much as oxygen. Being with him felt like breathing again. But you had been underwater so long, being on land again felt foreign, scary, and you couldnโt help but dive back into safe waters, coming up for air once in a while.
Whether he had intended to or not, Sunghoon had started to scratch at your surface, until heโd burrowed a small holeโshallow, but enough for cracks to appear, cracks you were quick to put back together as best as you could.
So when his gaze was too tender, his touches too gentle, you bristled. You went away, because you were afraid of what might happen if you stayed. The more you wanted to give him, the less you gave him anything at all. Your own desire overwhelmed you. His letterman jacket was warm around your shoulders, you proudly walked around with the four letters of his last name on your back, but you couldnโt get out of your mind how cold it would be if it was one day ripped away from you.ย
You thought of Heeseung, how disillusioned you had been when you thought you had finally met someone who would love you the way you had always yearned to be, only for him to toss you away when you started asking for too much. You thought of your friends in middle school, how it seemed that no friendship could be more wonderful until you overheard them talking about you at a sleepover, about how clingy you were. You thought of your parents, how they had only bestowed kind words upon you when you performed well in your role of perfect daughter, of academically gifted child. How they hadnโt even glanced at any of the drawings youโd done of the four of you, mother, father, son and daughter holding hands with a bright yellow sun in the corner of the sky. How they had pushed you away from their bed when you seeked some comfort after a terrible nightmare. How they had never bothered to hide their disappointment when you came home from school with anything less than an A. How they had shunned your brother for not going down the path they had envisioned for him, how hard you had to fight to make them accept yours was not a worthless one.
Even your best friend seemed to think you were unable to receive affection of the likes of Sunghoonโsโbut what you were afraid of was that he wouldnโt handle the amount of affection you knew you were able to give. In a way, that was what had drawn you to Sunghoon in the first placeโfrom the moment youโd met him, you had been able to tell there was something of you in him. It seemed to you he had a heart that was overflowing with love, love to give, love to spare on whoever would have it. In his words, you were him. Nevertheless, your fear of getting hurt overrode your desire to feel Sunghoonโs love, and you didnโt know whether you would be able to revert to your nature after having spent so much time perfecting your new facade.
You knew what it was like to be cold. And so you prematurely braced yourself for it by pushing away Sunghoonโs warmth. If it was going to happen at some point, like Minjeong had hinted it would, might as well get used to it, right?
Except the cold never came. Sunghoon kept on burning relentlessly, no matter how much wood you fed his fire withโyou could cling to him for nights on end or ignore his texts for days, without fail, heโd welcome you with his usual, unwavering warmth. He allowed you to bask in it, to momentarily let down your defenses. But something always happened to make you raise them back upโMinjeong would eye the two of you suspiciously, Heeseung would post on Instagram (Is one of the girls on slide five his new fling? Are they serious and it wasnโt that he wasnโt ready for a relationship, itโs that he didnโt want one with me?), or your mom would text you to ask you whether everything was okay.
Yet increasingly, you suspected there was something behind Sunghoonโs warmth, something you had missed, something that was tricking you. He looked at you like you had hung the stars in the night sky, yes; in public, a knowing look from you was enough to have his face turn bright red, and in private, one simple touch had his chest heaving, yes; he expressed disappointment every time you turned him down for a hang-out. Your attachment to him grew, and it became harder to put what the two of you had into words.
It wasnโt just sexโit couldnโt be. It ran deeper than that. You knew what relationships that consisted of just sex were like, and this wasnโt that, it was too good, too intimate to be just that. But you werenโt a couple, that much was clear. Only four other people were aware something was even going on, your brother not included, and you acted as regular friends in front of everyone. Jake had insisted you didnโt fool around with another member of his hockey team because his relationship with Heeseung had already deteriorated enough, he didnโt need to be on weird terms with anyone else on your behalf, so you were not keen on letting him know about what you got up to with Sunghoon. Anyway, even if everyone on earth was in on your shenanigans, you and Sunghoon hadnโt convened on what it all meant. Who knew what was going on in his head? You were no stranger to how deceitful men could be when they were after certain bodily pleasures. Unless Sunghoon said it in so many words, multiple times, you would not be a hundred percent sure he wasnโt only looking to get laid, or wanted someone to act like his girlfriend without the label and the obligations that came with it.
Because you basically were acting like his girlfriend, and he like your boyfriend. You always went to each other. Always, only each other. Whether he needed a second opinion on an outfit, you needed a rant session about your dissertation, either of you a really good orgasm, it was each other you went to.
You waited for him to initiate a conversation about the status of your relationship like one waits for church bells to ring at the turn of the hourโyou knew it was coming, but the sound might be too much to bear. And the longer you had to wait, the more you dreaded it. Because how would you react when the time came? You didnโt trust yourself not to run away; neither did Minjeong.
The cold hadnโt come yet. You couldnโt let yourself feel the warmth unreservedly. It was all unpleasantly lukewarm.
Then you went home for a weekend.
It was a good friend from schoolโs birthday, and despite having spent a lot of time with Sunghoon at the expense of studying, you had done well this semester and thought you deserved a break. After having been away for so long, you had started to underestimate the power of your need for your parentsโ approval over you. One small instance that your brother and many other people wouldโve brushed off easily was enough to set you offโthat same cold look of disappointment when you decided to be honest and told them one of your courses was deadly boring all while being unnecessarily complicated and you had received a low B-grade in it. They barely spoke to you for the rest of the evening.
Exams were a mere few weeks away when you got back. You buried yourself in work, forgot everything and everyone else, even Sunghoon, even yourself.
The cold hadnโt come yet, so you sought it out for yourself.
At the same time, you hadnโt indulged in enough introspection to realize how frustrated you had been at Sunghoon for not trying to create defined boundaries around your relationship. You were unable to do it yourself, you unrealistically wanted him to do the work for the both of you, you got upset when he didnโt. What you were able to do was make up reasons why he wasnโt giving you the what are we talkโhe doesnโt like you that much, he just wants sex, heโs settling for you until he finds the next best thing, the real thing. This wasnโt leading anywhere, so you cut it off before he could.
You set foot in the library at seven thirty a.m. on a Monday and every following day of that week, then the next, then the next. He managed to pull you out every now and thenโyou werenโt that strong against his big pleading eyes, his soft messy hair, his warm hands that entirely covered yours.ย
Oftentimes, you were too tired at the end of a long library day to have sex. Sunghoon never held it against youโhe seemed more than happy to cook you dinner, let you fall asleep halfway during a movie you had chosen, and cuddle all night long. But your body burned with resentment at his mere presence in your bed, in your home, in your text messages. Who was he to stop you from studying, from achieving your goals, to distract you from that top grade just so he could get off? Even your friends and brother werenโt trying so hard to make you take breaks. The worry that furrowed his eyebrows, which you used to want to see fade away with a caress of your thumb, now infuriated you to no end, it seemed โ to you โ put-on. He kissed your neck and you wanted to push him away instead of melt into him like you had before.
It was his turn to leave for a weekend for an out-of-town hockey game, and you convinced yourself his absence came as a relief. But on the Sunday evening they got back, as you came out of the library, you spotted your brother waiting right outside of the building.
โWhy is it so hard to reach you?โ he said when he saw you in lieu of a greeting. โWhatโs the point of having a phone if you donโt even use it? I called you, like, five times.โ
โIt was on airplane mode.โ
He rolled his eyes so hard, you could almost hear them moving beneath their lids. โWhat have you done to Sunghoon?โ
You stopped dead in your tracks. โSunghoon? What about him?โ you asked, chest constricting at the mere thought of him and at the implication that something had happened to him, even if you were the cause. He hadnโt said it in so many words, but it was clear the truth had been revealed to Jake, and for some reason, it didnโt surprise you. You knew they roomed together and assumed Sunghoon mustโve told him. You tried your best to take it in stride.
โI thought we said the hockey team was off-limits after Heeseung,โ he said sternly. โAlso, Sunghoon, of all people?โ he adds before you can say anything. โThatโs like, my bro. And heโs the nicest guy ever. Not the perfect pick for one of your victims, I must say-โ
โOh, please, heโs not a victim. Heโs a consenting adult.โ
โThen why is he so upset over you spending more time studying than with him?โ
โThatโs the male ego for you, Jakey.โ
Your brother sighed deeply. โHeโs really hurt, Y/N. If you were going to reject him, you couldโve done it nicely.โ
You frowned. โWho said anything about rejecting him?โ
โYouโve shut him out. Youโve shut all of us out.โ Jake was staring at you, trying to get you to look at him, but you kept your gaze on the ground and kicked non-existent pebbles around, hands hiding in your coat pockets. โYou might not have meant it as one, but he took it as a rejection.โ
You scoff. โThere was nothing to reject. Itโs not like weโre actually together.โ
โYeah, thanks for telling me anything was going on, by the way.โ
โIt wasnโt any of your business.โ
โIt is, โcause it concerns my sister and my best friend.โ
โHeโs your best friend?โ you echo, a teasing smile on your lips. He rolls his eyes again.
โGod, maybe you guys arenโt so bad together after all. But Y/NโIโm serious. You need to do something.โ
โWhy canโt he?โ
โBecause youโre the one whoโs been fucking around.โ
Ouch. โYouโve known about this whole thing for what, two days, and youโre already blaming me for the fact that itโs not going perfectly? How little do you think of me?โ
โI donโt think little of you, Y/N, I just know you have a track record of not being serious about relationships.โ
Your body tensed up. Maybe it had been a particularly long day. Maybe it had been a long time coming. Tears well up in your eyesโa sight youโve not let your brother see in many, many years.
โYou know what, fuck this, Jake. Iโm stressed enough as it is. Iโve done my best with what I have, and you donโt get to pin this on me. As if I was the only person in that relationship. If Sunghoon has a problem, he can take it up with me directly.โ
You walked away. Jake called after you once, and when you didnโt come back, caught up with you. โIโm sorry, Y/N. I donโt wanna upset you. I just-I hate seeing him hurt, you know? And you too.โ
โIโm glad my feelings are of some importance to you.โ
โOf course they are,โ Jake said, too concerned to detect the sarcasm in your words. โAnd youโre right, Iโve only heard Sunghoonโs side of the story. But it really sounded like-โ
โListen, Jakey, I really donโt wanna do this right now. Letโs talk about it when exams are over. I canโt have anything else taking up mental space. I mixed up my Greek third declension endings earlier.โ
โGod forbid.โ
After some arguing, Jake let you off the hookโโJust for now,โ he said. Youโd get him to recount his and Sunghoonโs conversation in excruciating detail later.
You come out of an evening of contemplation resenting Sunghoon for bitching about you to your brother, of all people. As if he had been begging on his hands and knees for your devotion, as if you had been cool-headed and detached and not thinking heโll ask me to be his girlfriend any second now every time you spent time together. You told yourself you were well and truly done with him for the time being. If there was anything to salvage, that was future youโs problem.
But late on Thursday evening, Jay sent you a voice message, something he only did when he was gravely drunk, shouting over loud chatter and rap music that Sunghoon hadnโt shown up to a party and was apparently still practicing. Youโd caught wind of their loss at the game, and even though your heart had swollen with concern for Sunghoon, very well aware of how important winning was to him, youโd managed to squash it down. You had bigger fish to fry, namely, an Italian written exam that made up 75% of your overall grade for that course. But after ten minutes of re-reading the same three lines of an article from Republicca, you couldnโt get the image of Sunghoon skirting endlessly around the ice rink and potentially hurting himself out of your head. You told yourself you only had this one exam left and plenty of time to revise for it, packed up your things and headed for the rink.
It was past eleven p.m. when you got there. The rest is history.ย
Your grievances came out in an ugly way, but Sunghoonโs refusal to listen to you got the best of your nerves, and although you really did feel that your worry was more genuine than his, you didnโt truly believe that all he wanted from you was sexโat least, you hoped it wasnโt. It was the first time you ever saw any sort of negative emotion on Sunghoonโs handsome features, be it anger, sadness or pain. It tugged at your heartstrings, made you want to wrap him in your arms and get him away from whatever it was that tugged his eyebrows into a frownโeven if that was you.
Now, as if the water has inched up your ankles and frozen over, your feet stay planted on the ice for a while after heโs stormed off. You donโt even realize youโre crying until a hot, salty teardrop falls on your lips.
Your feet regain control of themselves, and they seem to move of their own accord as they guide you right in front of Sunghoonโs dorm room. Youโre barely conscious as your knuckles rasp against the door, and the tears that had fallen back behind your eyes spill out once more as soon as your eyes meet his. Heโs just come out of the shower, a white towel wrapped around his hips, another one that he uses to dry his hair. His movements stop when he realizes whoโs standing at his door, mouth falling slightly agape, chest visibly rising and falling. Heโs so beautiful, you feel your heart breaking all over again.
Sobs pour uncharacteristically out of you, so much so that you have to hide your face behind your eyes. He ushers you in, holds you tight as everything flows out, the stress, the resentment, the loneliness, the longing. How could he be so close yet so far away this whole time? Did he want those miles of distance between you, or had you forced them upon him?
Sunghoon smoothes your hair down and shushes you, telling you itโs okay and that heโs here, voice strangled as if heโs on the verge of crying, too. A part of you still feels angry towards him, but the bigger part of you knows only he can give you the comfort you need.
โI missed you,โ you say when youโve calmed down partly. You only realize how true those words are once youโve spoken them. Youโve missed waking up next to him, watching trashy reality TV together, taking coffee breaks that lasted too long in-between study sessions. Youโve missed the scent of his hair, the scent of his skin, youโve missed watching the way his back muscles shift at the slightest of movements, feeling the weight of his head as he lay on your chest. All for a bunch of As you wouldโve gotten without exerting yourself so much anyway.
โI missed you too, baby. Where did you go?โ Just like that, you break down again, and he dissolves into apologies. โYouโre here now, itโs all that matters,โ he whispers against your hair.
โYou didnโt see them, Hoon. You didnโt see the way they looked at me,โ you say, struggling to speak, unsure youโre even making any sense but unable to stop. โI got As in everything, I worked so hard. Just one B, one week where I had four things due at the same time. Their faces, Hoon, like they were thinking, what was the point of letting me do this degree if I wasnโt even going to excel in it?โ
โBut you do excel in it, Y/N. Youโre amazing at what you do. And even if you werenโt, you love it, and thatโs what matters the most.โ
โNot to them, it doesnโt.โ
โThen forget them.โ
โI canโt, Hoon,โ you say, voice trembling. โI just canโt. I need them to be proud of me.โ
โIsnโt it enough to be proud of yourself?โ
โI wish it was.โ
โDoes it help if I tell you how proud I am of you and of how hard youโve worked?โ
He doesnโt see it, your face is still hidden in the crook of his shoulder, but a small smile makes its way to your lips. โA bit.โ
โThen Iโll tell you everyday until you donโt need their approval anymore. They donโt deserve you, Y/N. They donโt even see what an amazing, beautiful, smart daughter they have. Or her sort-of-okay brother.โ You laugh, and so does he. Sunghoonโs words and soothing touch against your back already alleviate the weight on your heart. โBut I see it.โ
You lift your head to look at Sunghoon. His eyes are glassy. โYou see how amazing, beautiful and smart Jake is?โ
He laughs again as he tucks a stray strand of hair behind your ear. โYeah, exactly.โ The way he looks at you makes you wish you could go back to the day you met him and right all of your wrongs. No more hiding or running away. You only want to stay under that gaze of his. But sadness soon replaces the joy in his eyes. โYou mean so much more to me than you give yourself credit for, Y/N. This has never been just about sex for me. Not even for a second.โ
โNo?โ
โNo.โ
โThen what has it been about?โย
He frowns like a student in an advanced math class whoโs just been asked what three plus three isโisnโt it obvious?
โI love you.โ
Your eyes dart between his as if searching for any trace of deceit there. Of course, you donโt find anyโbecause there hasnโt been any since the start. Youโd let your own fears invent things that werenโt there. Your lips tremble and you find yourself bawling on his shoulder once more, your tears like a well that digs deeper and deeper so as to never run out of water.
โI hope these are good tears,โ Sunghoon says light-heartedly, but you can detect the nervousness behind his words. You nod your head vigorously, willing yourself to say something back, but your tears overflow, make your breath hitch.
โWhy didnโt you say anything earlier?โ you manage in between sobs.
โI didnโt think it was the kind of thing you wanted to hear,โ he explains.
โI was waiting for you to say something.โ
โI didnโt know. I thought I was being obvious enough.โ
โYou probably were. I was the one who couldnโt see it,โ you admit.
โI thought you didnโt want me like that.โ
โI thought you didnโt want me like that.โ
Sunghoon chuckles, a sound of relief. โIโve wanted you like that since the start.โ
โI think I have too.โ
โYou think?โ
You lift your head again and when your eyes meet Sunghoonโs, it feels like coming out of your hiding place hours after the round of hide-and-seek was over. He hadnโt forgotten to come and find you. He was waiting for you to reveal yourself.
Which goes against the rules of hide-and-seek, but you donโt blame him.
You smile; he smiles, deep dimples carving crescents into his cheeks. โI love you, too.โ
You hadnโt realized how cold your hands were until Sunghoon found them.
--
Everything after that was a blurry mess of tangled limbs, warm kisses, happy tears and relieved laughter.
Your touch had always been intoxicating, but Sunghoon was particularly sensitive to it that night. The mix of not having felt you close in weeks and the heightened emotions driven by your confessions made his skin tingle everywhere it came in contact with yours. Heโd never slept so little without regretting it in the morning.
It goes without saying that most of the night was not spent talking, but you still had things you needed to discuss. The two of you laid out all of your fears, and Sunghoon was immensely relieved to finally get a glimpse into that mind of yours. He made you promise to always tell him what was going on, and he promised you youโd never be too much for him. Always just right.
Now, he gets to wait outside of your exam hall with your favorite flowers in hand, to put his arm around your shoulders during movie nights instead of holding your hand beneath the blanket, to kiss you over the barrier at the end of a hockey game he won. Heeseungโs narrowed eyes at the sight of the two of you is an added bonus.
You text him that youโll hang around the locker rooms after the game so that you can head to the party together. The end of December is nearing and you canโt wait for the new year, for twelve whole months of not hiding your feelings for Sunghoon from anyone, not even from yourself, least of all from him. At least, thatโs what you told him in a sappy, drunken voice message at two a.m. the previous night when the girls made you drink a bottle of prosecco to yourselfโtheir way of congratulating you for an arduous but successful exam period.
He steps out of the locker rooms with Jake and Jay. Youโve never looked quite as pretty, face lighting up as you spot the three of them, his jersey on your shoulders. Youโd worn it during your last examโโI thought it might bring me luck to wear a pretty boyโs name on my back,โ youโd told him, to which heโd replied that it was good practice for when you actually took his last name. Youโd looked away, fighting a smile.
Now your smile is full-blown as you look at him, but the downside of being an official couple is that Jake has now more material to tease the both of you with.
โOh my God, you waited for me, what a sweet sister I have been blessed with!โ he exclaims, arms outstretched as he barrels towards you.
โFuck off, Sim,โ you say but accept his hug nonetheless. โNice game.โ
โI know.โ He pulls away and ruffles your hair. Jay nods at you like youโre someone he shared a class with back in second year and not his friend of almost three years.
As if on cue, just as Sunghoon reaches you and envelops you in a hug, Jake turns around and yells loud enough for all the players spilling out of the locker rooms, โAnd donโt forget to wear protection! Iโm not ready to be an uncle yet.โ
โThatโs disgusting, Jakey,โ you yell back, and he smiles proudly. Sunghoon had never thought the day would come where youโd initiate a kiss in a room full of peopleโheโs on cloud nine when you take his head in your hands and press your lips to his, murmuring praises about how well he played.
โIt was all for you, baby,โ he says, trying to appear cool even though a blush is creeping up his ears.ย
โNot for the recruiter of the national team?โ you asked with a smirk.
He smiles, shrugging. โMaybe a bit for him too. Youโre the one I want to impress.โ
โConsider me impressed.โ You stand on your tiptoes to kiss him a second time.
You head towards your friends, hands warm against each other.
--
In classic mysterious Jay fashion, he organizes a New Yearโs Eve party that he canโt attend himself.
Heโs on holiday in some exotic country halfway across the world with his family, but heโs offered up their house for a celebration and tasked Jake with making sure no one trashes anything.
The party started three hours ago, and youโre sure itโs in full swing by nowโyouโre sure everyone is having a jolly old time, getting drunk enough to welcome the new year with a hangover, searching the crowds of people for the person theyโll want to kiss at midnight. Youโre sure that people are having so much fun that whoever notices your and Sunghoonโs absence might think youโre missing out.
And maybe you areโbut thereโs nowhere youโd rather be than where you are now, straddling your boyfriendโs lap in the backseat of his car. Heโs a little bit tipsy, youโre a little bit tipsy, itโs obvious in the way you kiss each other, messy, impatient, interspersed with giggles and with perhaps too much tongue. Your hands are not much more polite, harshly grabbing at his hair just the way you know he likes it, and neither are his, having snuck their way underneath your black satin dress long ago already.
When Sunghoon pulled you away from the party, youโd appropriately exclaimed, โBut the party?โ, to which he replied, โFuck the party.โ It wasnโt like him to curse, or to have anything but a bashful smile on his lips, like a guilty dog whoโd been caught doing something it knew it shouldnโt, even though he was just standing there, so when you see his stoney expression, you think something serious mustโve happened.
The something serious turned out to be โthat guy who was touching your shoulder.โ
Clearly, itโd take Sunghoon a little bit more time to be entirely secure in your relationship. In the meantime, you didnโt mind letting him fuck his jealousy away.
Although heโd been the one to whisk you away, youโre the one who finds yourself begging for him to speed things up. Your flimsy thong does absolutely nothing, so youโre basically grinding yourself bare against his clothed erectionโand itโs not like the fabric of his suit trousers is very thick, either. A girl can only put up with so much dry humping before having her boyfriendโs dick inside of her goes from being a want to a need.
โNeed you, Hoon,โ you coo against the shell of his ear. A few words usually do the trick, but Sunghoon has other plans tonight.
โWhat do you need, baby?โ
โYou.โ
โIโm right here,โ he says, punctuating his words with a squeeze of your ass.
โYou know what I mean,โ you say, practically whining.
โIโm not sure I do, actually.โ
You pull away and, looking at him directly, say, โGod, Sunghoon. I want you to fuck me.โ His shit-eating grin simultaneously makes you roll your eyes and goes straight to your core.
โThat I can do.โ
He keeps one hand on your ass as he loosens his tie first, then undoes his belt and trouser buttons. His slacks and underwear pool around his ankles, and all he needs to do is hike your dress up around your hips and push your thong to the side. You wrap a hand around his dick, but your mind is too hazy to do much with itโheโs started rubbing circles on your clit with his thumb, the pressure and speed as perfect as it always is. You let your forehead fall against his shoulders and moan unabashedly, thankful he decided to park the car far enough away from the house.
โYou like it when I touch you like this, baby?โ
โI love it, Hoon.โ
He hums his approval. โYouโre so perfect. So perfect and so wet for me, isnโt that right?โ
You start to say โyes,โ but you interrupt yourself with a gasp. You hold onto Sunghoonโs arm, feel his muscles move under your palm as he slips two fingers inside of you without warning. โPlease,โ you choke out, a tight knot already forming in your stomach.
โPlease what?โ
โNeed you. Need your dick, baby.โ
He smiles as if endeared, but his words couldnโt be more different. โMaybe you shouldโve thought of that before going off with some random guy the one minute I was somewhere else.โ
โHeโs just-fuck, Hoon, heโs just a mutual friend of Jay and I. Fuck, right there, baby.โ Forming coherent sentences when Sunghoonโs fingers flick against that perfect spot deep inside you again and again is no easy task, but you need to defend yourself.
โRight there?โ he echoes, voice a whisper against your ear. When you nod, eyes shut tight, he slips his fingers out. You look at him, betrayed. โThatโs too bad. Why donโt you ask him to touch you right there, hm?โ
You donโt know how much of his jealousy is put-on to get you to beg and how much of it is real. You make a mental note to have a conversation with him about this laterโright now, you donโt mind playing along if it means your boyfriend will deign to fuck you. You know he wants to, heโs just making you work harder.
You move your hand up and down along his dick, brush his reddening tip with your palm every now and then. โHe couldnโt touch me like you, Hoon.โ You lean in and trail kisses along his neck, his jawline, his ears. โCanโt fuck me like you, either.โ
With exams, hockey matches and any other responsibilities out of the way for winter break, the two of you had had an obscene amount of sex in the past couple of weeks. Youโd done other things, of course, namely having much-needed conversations with each other, your friends, your families. Sunghoonโs mother was overjoyed at the news, glad her โduckling had finally met someoneโ โ her words โ and his sister kept stealing his phone from him to talk to you when you were on FaceTime. You and Jake had gone home for two days for Christmas, and although Jake had needed to pep talk you into it for over an hour, you managed to tell them that you wouldnโt stand for being belittled for your life choices anymore.
But in-between these conversations, you couldnโt keep your hands off of each other. Youโve grown more comfortable with each passing day, both of you bolder in vocalizing what you want and how you feel. And so, you quickly found out that your Sunghoon, your shy, sweet Sunghoon, got off like nothing else on salacious words. In line with his possessiveness, he loved hearing about how he and only he could do these things to you; in line with your need for validation, you could practically come from hearing his praises alone.
โThatโs right, baby.โ Like the gentleman he is, he fishes out the condom wrapper he had gotten ready from his trouser pocket, tears it open with his mouth and rolls the condom on with one hand, his other one still preoccupied with you. โCome here, my love,โ he whispers, his sweet tone worlds away from his previous teasing, almost cocky one. He grabs your hips, guides you closer to him and lines your entrance with the tip of his dick. He lets you go at your own pace, rubs your thighs soothingly as you sink down onto him slowly and adjust to his size. You throw your head back, mind hazy with pleasure as you move your hips back-and-forth against him.
โYou feel so good, baby. Youโre doing so well for me.โ His words make you pick up your pace, and you wrap your arms around his neck, fingers grabbing at his hair and sides of your faces pressed against each other as you start lifting your hips and sinking back down. Sunghoonโs hands hold your ass tightly, guiding you up and down. Itโs hot in the car; sweat runs down your hairline and your back, air is running low, the windows are fogging up, but it only adds to the dizzying bliss growing in you. Even the seatbelt receiver digging into your knee doesnโt bother you.
โFeels so good, Hoon,โ you moan.
โI know, baby.โ
Your hours of studying everyday means your thighs arenโt the strongestโgood thing for you that your boyfriend has enough stamina and strength for the both of you. As soon as he feels you tiring, your rhythm becoming slower and more irregular, he picks up your slack. One hand on your back, one arm around your waist, he presses you close to him, his hold on you so tight you can barely move. He bucks his hips harshly into yours, faster and faster, making you cry out with every brush of his tip against that spot deep inside of you. Your whole body shakes with pleasure as your moans grow higher and louder, until the tension in your stomach hits its apex and unravels. A gasp leaves your throat as you come around him, but heโs unrelenting, the overstimulation quickly making tears form in your eyes. Strings of curses and praises of how perfect you are spill out of Sunghoonโs mouth disorderly as he reaches his own end.
Together, you take your time catching your breath, his fingers roaming your back while you trail soft kisses all over his face and neck. โMy pretty baby,โ he whispers, and it makes your heart swell with so much affection for him that you press your lips to his, shutting him up in case he says something that actually has you exploding.
You wish you could spend some more time just the two of you before returning to the party, but when you check your phone, itโs already five minutes to midnightโhe puts his clothes back on as you fix your hair in a rush, Sunghoon helping you wipe away traces of mascara under your eyes, and together, run back to the living room where everyone has gathered. You find Minjeong, Yunjin, Chaewon and Jake, who has Jay on FaceTime. Itโs only five p.m. where he is.
Everyone counts down from ten together. The first thing you do in the new year is kiss Park Sunghoonโand youโll make sure itโs the last thing you do, too.
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wish i never
pairing: Jaehyun x (f) reader
genre/warnings: smut, angst, debatable morals, unprotected sex, brotherโs worst enemy, forbidden love, markโs dad is a cop for the sake of plot, mentions of drugs and drug-related death
summary: Your brother, Johnny, hates Jaehyun and has never told you why. Although you intend on leaving it alone, unforeseen events thrust you into a forbidden love affair with Jaehyun. In between hookups and stolen kisses, you have to bury your feelings for Jaehyun around your overprotective older brother.
word count: 27.2k (listenโฆ i donโt know anymore okay)
a/n: this one lowkey kinda hit different for me cause iโve had a forbidden love and it broke me. you can kinda tell by how long this is lol ya girl went all OUT. as always, feedback is appreciated!
โAbsolutely not.โ
โDude, come on,โ Mark whined.ย
โHell the fuck no,โ Yuta barked firmly, crossing his arms. โThe last time we gave you shrooms, you texted Johnny to ask him where your phone was.โ
โAnd?โ
โYou texted him from your own phone,โ Yuta deadpanned.ย
You snickered. Your best friend and drugs were an infamously egregious combination. Mark Lee sober was already full of shit, but Mark Lee high on whatever substance he could get his hands on? Indescribably bad. You couldnโt think of a word to even explain it.
Mark gestured over to you. โBut you gave her drugs.โ
Yuta grimaced. โFirst of all, donโt say that too loud. Johnny will kill me. Second of all, she can actually handle her shit and what can I say? She's a loyal customer.โ
You added, โPlus Iโm not doing fucking shrooms. Yuta just deals me weed. If Johnny ever found out I was doing anything else, he would have a fit.โ
Mark huffed something under his breath about how shrooms were the softest of soft drugs there were, not that it wouldโve helped his case.ย
Your lips curled into a grin as you joked, โWhy donโt you just chug Jenoโs notorious punch and call it a night? Thatโs what Iโm gonna do.โย
โIโve actually got plans with a chick whoโs been dying to chug my notorious punch. Iโll be back later. Save me a drink, dude,โ Mark said, grinning from ear to ear at a text message on his screen. Probably from the aforementioned chick that was begging to blow him, or so he said.ย
You pretended to wince, but gave him a high five in celebration. โAye, aye, captain,โ you chirped, saluting him.ย
After Mark made a break for the stairs, you abandoned Yuta to make a beeline for the drink bar. There was no such thing as a party with some of your boys without drugs and alcohol. Your brother was an overprotective nuisance, but even he knew it was impossible to keep you away from your shots and the occasional marijuana.
Plus it would've been hypocritical as all hell, so he let it slide. Not that you wanted to press your luck with something harder. On some nights you were a little drunk and a little high, and it brought out the worst in you. You were certain all of Johnny's friends kept blackmail worthy videos of you doing the unspeakable and you were content with never knowing what all those fuckers had on you. The embarrassment would be enough to kill.
You clocked one girl dry-heaving in the corner on the way and it was all the discouragement required to make you reach for a can of beer instead. To your surprise, it seemed like somebody had a similar plan, their hand coincidentally dropping on the same one.ย
"Oh, I'm sorry. You can have itโฆ," you trailed, glancing up to make eye contact with nobody less than the devil incarnate.
Ricky looked surprised to see you, though you werenโt sure why. If Jeno was throwing a party, you were bound to be in attendance. โWhat up, baby? Long time no see.โ
โRicky, you lost the right to call me that the second I caught you with your pants to your ankles in a closet with what's-her-face.โ
More importantly, you were frankly surprised to see him there. Your stupid ex was many things, none good, and his audacity? It was out of control. Part of you wanted to commend him, because it took guts to show his face around your side of town after you yanked his trousers down in front of everyone and their mother.ย
And yet he took that retort in stride. โBaby, how many times do I have to tell you that Iโm sorry? It was a mistake and Iโll never make it again.โ
โYouโre absolutely right,โ you replied, bobbing your head in agreement. โYouโre a sorry motherfucker and youโll never make it again, because weโre done for good.โ
But Ricky just couldnโt take the hint that you were so fucking over anything that had to do with him and crept closer, continuing darkly, โDonโt you know youโre nothing without me? Nothing!โ
Having surrounded yourself with enough drunk and high people countless times, it was obvious that Ricky was under the influence, which made him extremely capricious. He looked a grand total of two seconds away from reaching out and seizing you by your arm.ย
Your eyes darted across the room for anybody you knew, but it was difficult when dancing bodies obscured them from your field of view. Yuta had probably wandered to snag more drug deals, Mark was getting his dick wet, and Johnny and Taeyong were nowhere to be found.ย
You were about to resign yourself to the fact that you were positively out of luck until you heard a deep baritone ask from beside you, โDo we have a problem over here?โ
It took all of two seconds to recognize its owner. Jeong Jaehyun, sang the little chorus in your head. Your brotherโs worst enemy. The beef seemed more than a little one-sided, but you didnโt ask questions. For whatever reason, the mere mention of Jaehyunโs name made your brother tense.ย
It was clear that Ricky was sizing Jaehyun up and he snapped with potent venom, โWho the fuck are you?โ
โThe hostโs cousin,โ Jaehyun said, looking tall and foreboding, as if he was daring somebody to challenge him. โAnd you are?โ
โThe love of her life.โ
You didnโt know how he could confidently lie like that, though you wouldnโt be surprised if he wholeheartedly believed it, which was downright terrifying. You learned the hard way that this boy was as self-centered as they came.ย
Jaehyun took one look at you, and the glaringly obvious discomfort on your face, and replied, "Yeah, I don't think she wants to be around you. If I were you, I'd get the fuck out of here and never come back."
Ricky chuckled. "And if I don't?"
Jaehyun shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "Fuck around and find out," was all he said. His lips were drawn into a line and his gaze was fixed to your ex's idiotic face with a lethal stare. Not to mention Jaehyun had a couple of inches on him, which made you resist a satisfied little grin.
Obviously, Ricky wanted to stay and claim you as his pretty property, but even the lack of inhibitions didnโt hinder his judgment at that moment. Like any wise person would, he made a beeline for the closest exit. It was common sense that Jeno and his associates were not to be fucked with.ย
Your shoulders relaxed when Ricky was gone. If anything, he had gotten off easy. He was lucky that you had no clue where Johnny was. You were positive he wouldโve knocked the sense out of him, if he had any, which was debatable.ย
โInsufferable prick,โ you grumbled under your breath. Then, you glanced up to Jaehyun, who, to your surprise, was already looking at you. โThanks, Jaehyun. I donโt know what he wouldโve done if you werenโt here.โ
Jaehyun still looked a little pissed, but your words seemed to make him soften. โYou donโt have to thank me for that. Itโs basic human decency.โ
โAnd some people donโt even have that,โ you replied, intending for it to be a joke, but it came out a little more melancholy.ย
If Jaehyun noticed, he said nothing about it.
Before he could even if he wanted to, something stitched your brows together and you mentioned, โHey, I didnโt know Jeno was your cousin.โ
โMe, neither.โ
It took a second for that to settle in, but once you finally understood, amusement broke the confusion tensing your face and your lips parted in laughter. Jaehyun joined you. His bold-faced little white lie saved your ass, but ironically, that wasnโt what you were focused on.ย
It was those deep, adorable dimples on both of his cheeks that somehow made him even more handsome.ย
Instantly, something in you chided, Bitch, donโt check him out. Heโs your brotherโs worst enemy. Youโre out of your goddamn mind if you think youโre getting laid tonight just because heโs playing nice.
โI should go,โ you said after a minute, finally grabbing a beer. โThanks again. I really appreciate it.โ
You escaped before Jaehyun could tell you not to thank him. His eyes were fixed to your back, following you until you were obscured completely by partygoers. He knew you were Johnnyโs sister, but damn, you were kinda cute.ย
At least for now, Jaehyun wouldnโt play with fire. Johnny almost kicked his ass one time and he wasnโt exactly keen on getting his ass handed to him.ย
You were half tempted to stop by Jenoโs room to check if any of the guys were passing a blunt around in there, but the last time your curiosity got the better of you, you accidentally walked in on Jeno shirtless with some half-naked girl. Not a sight you wanted to relive, so you kept downstairs.ย
Your eyes scanned the living room for any familiar faces, but it was difficult to tell if anybody was there. There was a gigantic crowd dancing to Kiss Me Thru The Phone and you chuckled at a certain memory of Mark drunk-singing along to the lyrics.ย
โThere you are,โ came a familiar voice beside you. Your gaze flitted to Johnny, whose face was stitched with concern. โTaeyong told me that he saw you with Jaehyun. You good?โ
โIโm fine,โ you hollered over the music. โJust heartbroken that Mark abandoned me to get laid.โ
Any other time, Johnny wouldโve laughed, but his lips were pressed into a solid line. โHave you had anything?โ
You rolled your eyes and exhaled a breath. โJust the beer in my hand, Johnny.โ
He studied your face, as if he was attempting to figure out whether or not you were telling the truth, but ultimately decided to believe you. โListen, I just wanna look out for you. Youโre my little sister. If anything were to happen to you...โ
โMom and Dad would kill you and dump your body in the woods for bears to find. Yes, I know,โ you groaned exasperatedly, cutting him off. โI get it, Johnny. But I need you to get that Iโm not a little girl anymore.โ
โIf you were a little girl, you wouldnโt be here and we wouldnโt give you weed.โ
That comment wasnโt even worth a roll of your eyes. You took a sip of beer and ignored it.ย
โWhy were you around Jaehyun anyways?โ Johnny asked. It was obviously the question he was itching to ask. Probably wanted to make sure Jaehyun wasnโt making any advances.ย
The memory of your bastard ex getting uncomfortably close to you after reaching for a drink he clearly didnโt need, raising his voice at you in a way no woman should ever accept, made you shudder. โRicky decided to try and win me back. If you can even call it that.โ
Johnny immediately perked up in anger. โWhat?โ
โRelax. Jaehyun already took care of him. Thatโs why he was there. Nothing more, nothing less.โ
โI swear to god, Iโm gonna kill that son of a bitch,โ Johnny hissed, looking a total of five seconds away from giving someone a piece of his mind.ย
โRicky, or Jaehyun?โ
โDoes it matter?โ
You shrugged. Your lips parted to ask why he hated Jaehyun in the first place, but you cut yourself off. There was a reason why you didnโt ask him months ago. Johnny mightโve been overprotective, but that was because he was your brother and he loved you. When he was ready, he would tell you.ย
The night dragged on. This one was a little more boring than usual, but that couldโve been chalked up to you still being shaken up about your encounter with your ex. You almost considered what wouldโve happened had Jaehyun not been around to intervene, but your mind dared not wander there.ย
Part of you wanted to know where he was camping out at. Surely, he had to be around here somewhere, but you werenโt going to look. Especially not with Johnny on high alert. He was being extra careful, wanting to be there in case your ex was crazy enough to return.
You listed what you knew about Jeong Jaehyun. For one, he was fine as hell. That was undeniable. Secondly, he was lowkey, which was why you essentially knew nothing about him other than the fact that he was drop-dead gorgeous.ย
Sure, he made an appearance at these parties every now and then, but most of the time he kept to a tight-knit circle of friends and if they werenโt there, there was no way in hell he was coming. Sometimes his roommatesโ threw parties at their house, but he rarely went downstairs, preferring to linger in his room doing fuck knows what.ย
You honestly couldnโt blame him. People sucked. Most of them, anyways.ย
Only one day later, you were gripping an overlook, peering down at little critters splashing in the lake from the bridge above. For a long time, there was nobody there to join you other than your little nonhuman friends. You liked coming here every now and then to clear your head. It was your safe place, your happy place.ย
The sky was cloudy but there was only a nine percent chance of rain this afternoon, thus you werenโt too worried. You needed to go somewhere. Home was too isolating, but everywhere else was too open.ย
You could be happy here. There were no entitled assholes or overprotective brothers around to get on your nerves every five seconds. It was only you and the gifts of nature.ย
And somebody else.ย
โI thought that was you,โ said somebody from your side.ย
Imagine your shock when you turned and saw Jeong Jaehyun jogging towards you. In the fucking flesh.ย
It was harder not to check him out this time. The man was practically drenched head to toe in sweat, his very exposed skin glistening with moisture. The shirt he was wearing hugged his chest and it was all you could do not to salivate.ย
Rather than continue to rake your eyes up his frame, you asked playfully, โAre you stalking me, Jeong Jaehyun?โ
Jaehyunโs eyes twinkled with mirth. God, how come you never noticed how pretty and brown they were? โActually, Iโm surprised. I was cutting through here instead of my usual jog route. The weather looked pretty bad.โ
You snickered, crossing your arms. โYou didnโt check the forecast before you left the house? Itโs not gonna rain. Probably.โ
Jaehyun furrowed a brow. โProbably?โ
โThat guy on the news is an infamous liar,โ you grumbled under your breath.ย
Jaehyun chuckled. He wiped the sweat from his forehead, coming closer to the railing where you were, but kept a safe distance between your bodies lest he made you uncomfortable. โI told you why Iโm here. What about you?โ
Your nose got an instant waft of Jaehyunโs scent and it was godly, which was shocking considering he was literally sweating everywhere. โOh, you know. I come here from time to time to think, or to not think. Depending on what the situation calls for.โ
โReally?โ
You bobbed your head. โYeah. Why?โ
Jaehyun shook his head. โNothing,โ was what he said, but in reality, he was thinking about how he passed this bridge nearly every goddamn day and never knew if he took a detour, heโd potentially cross paths with a pretty little thing like you.ย
You lifted a brow, but didnโt press.ย
โAre youโฆ okay?โ Jaehyun reluctantly asked.ย
You bobbed your head. โYup, Iโm alright. Itโs just that Ricky approaching me has Johnny on edge, so now whenever I go out he and his friends are watching me like a bunch of hawks.โย
Jaehyun winced. โDamn. That must suck.โ
โI get heโs doing it from a place of love, but fuck, sometimes I just wanna be left the hell alone, you know?โ
Jaehyun nodded. God, did he know. And not only because he was an overwhelmingly introverted dude. โYeah, I know exactly what you mean.โ
That caught your attention. โYou do?โ
Jaehyun scratched the back of his head. โI mean, I donโt have an overprotective brother, but I do have an overprotective mother. Itโs sweet and all, but do you know what it makes you look like when youโre on a date with a girl and your mom wonโt stop calling you?โ
Your lips couldnโt help but curl into a grin. โAw, youโre a Mommaโs boy.โ
โThis is exactly what I mean,โ Jaehyun groaned.ย
โNo, itโsโฆ cute,โ you said, but it was impossible to control the giggles falling from your lips. โMost of the guys I know like that are sweethearts. Johnny, Mark. Maybe you.โ
Jaehyun found that amusing. โYou think Iโm a sweetheart?โ
You shrugged your shoulders. โMaybe. I donโt know you well enough to decide, but seemingly, sure.โ
โDo you want to?โ
โDo I want to what?โ
โKnow me better,โ Jaehyun said, tentative. Almost as if he wasnโt sure what he wanted.
That was the million dollar question. On the one hand, Jaehyun was cute and it most likely wouldnโt hurt to spend a little time together, but on the other, there was the Johnny thing. You groaned. โGod, Johnny would have a heart attack if he knew I was with you right now. Maybe even an aneurysm.โ
Jaehyun snickered with mischief. โWho said that he has to know?โ
That response downright shocked you. You werenโt expecting it from somebody like him, though then again, you knew virtually nothing about this boy and it only made you want to sate your curiosity. โOoh. Youโre trouble, Jeong Jaehyun.โ
Jaehyun took that in stride. โIโm guessing you like that.โ
Taking a step closer, you started to close the gap between you that Jaehyun had created for your sake. โHm, you know what they say.โ
โI donโt think I do.โย
โItโs always the quiet ones that deal the most damage,โ you whispered sultrily, glancing into his gentle brown eyes.ย
Jaehyunโs eyes flickered. That caught him off-guard.
Then, you backed away and waved him goodbye. โIโve gotta go. Later, Dimples.โ
Dimples? That was new. Jaehyun was pleasantly surprised by the nickname and he was so stunned that it distracted him from his train of thoughts.ย
It was only when you were long gone that he realized that you never answered his question.ย
You needed time to think, to decide if Jaehyun was worth potentially losing your brotherโs trust. You didnโt know why he hated him, but his less than enthusiastic reactions to him said more than enough. Jaehyun was cute, but you could easily find another cute guy whose bones your brother didnโt mention crushing.
But damn, you were curious. And curiosity killed the cat. You knew one thing, though. You were starting to like Jeong Jaehyun.ย
You shook your head, ashamed of yourself. This is really whatโs itโs come to, huh?
Jaehyun thought about that exchange on the bridge every now and then for the next couple of days and chastised himself for even making moves on you of all people. Sheโs his baby sister, you asshole. Sheโs off-limits.ย
Not that it would really stop him, if you let him have you.ย
It wasnโt like Johnny had to know. Jaehyun could keep a secret and he assumed that you had a handful of your own. People with strict upbringings tended to have a lot of practice with being sneaky and your situation was close enough.ย
He sat on his bed and heaved a breath, playing with a lighter.ย
Meanwhile, you were with your boys, listening to them chatter about disgusting boy things but lowkey too curious to abandon your spot on the sofa that was too comfortable for its own good. Nobody liked sleeping on sofas, but you swore you wouldnโt mind on this one. Plus sometimes youโd gotten drunk here enough where you almost dozed off.ย
You made a gagging noise when Mark started to talk about his nth blowjob of the week. You werenโt counting, but he definitely was.ย
โYour dick probably has so much chlamydia that itโll mutate into a different variant like Covid,โ Haechan teased.ย
You grimaced, but you definitely agreed.ย
โYouโre one to talk,โ Mark snapped.ย
Haechan nodded, grinning proudly. โOf course, I am. I always wear condoms and get tested regularly. Iโm clean as a whistle.โ
You shook your head in amusement. โIโve never understood the saying โclean as a whistle.โ Like arenโt whistles actually contaminated from being in someoneโs mouth? Now, when you combine that logic with your dickโฆโ
Jeno burst into laughter. Yuta obviously found it funny from the smile on his face and Mark would never miss a chance to laugh at his friendโs expense.ย
Haechan dramatically rolled his eyes. โAnd what about you, little miss? How often do you get laid?โ
โDefinitely not as often as you guys,โ you replied, coming to a stand. Not that you wanted to kiss the sofa goodbye. โIโll be right back. Iโve gotta tinkle.โ
Markโs nose wrinkled. โYou didnโt think that was too much information?โ
You almost threw the remote at your best friend, but spared him. There was no way this dude was talking about too much information when he was literally giving you all a play-by-play of his sex life.ย
โIf it burns when you pee, Mark gave you the airborne strand of chlamydia,โ Yuta joked dryly.ย
You left too quickly to see Mark attempt to murder Yuta and it was a shame that you had to miss it. There was no doubt that Haechan would exaggerate the moment to make you regret not being there, but right now, you were concentrated on finding the bathroom.ย
And of course, it was when you finally made it upstairs through the groups of bodies that you realized you didnโt know where it was.ย
You groaned, cursing yourself for being so forgetful. Youโd only been here a couple of times and never long enough to use the fucking bathroom, apparently. And you really couldnโt fucking hold it.ย
You glanced around the set of doors upstairs, incapable of keeping still. Thank god nobody was here except for you. If I was a bathroom, which door would I be behind?
You set eyes on a random door and said, โFuck it.โ You marched right up to it and knocked none too gently, seeping with impatience.ย
To your surprise, it was Jaehyun that opened the door, a pair of headphones slung around his neck. And behind him was a bed, not a toilet.ย
Jaehyunโs eyes flickered with shock and he said your name. โWhat are you doing here?โ
โOh, um, I was kinda looking for the bathroom. Iโm guessing this isnโt it,โ you said with a little humor, which was remarkable, all things considered. โWhat are you doing here?โ
โI live here, baby.โ
โOh.โ You knew that, so the fact that it slipped your mind meant that you definitely werenโt yourself when you had to pee.ย
Jaehyun had the audacity to laugh. He opened his door a little wider. โYou can use mine. Itโs that door over there.โ
โThank you,โ you said in relief, immediately darting for the bathroom.ย
You were even more relieved by the time you washed your hands and walked back into his bedroom, no longer fighting to keep still. Jaehyun was sitting on his bed where his headphones were now cast aside. God, how loud did you have to be knocking for him to hear you over those?
โYou sure were in a hurry,โ Jaehyun teased.ย
You rolled your eyes, but a little laugh fell from your lips. You wholeheartedly blamed Jeno and his damn poisonous drinks. Sighing in relief, you glanced around Jaehyunโs room. For a boy, he was exceptionally tidy. He had vinyls organized on a shelf. โNo girls in here, I see.โ
Jaehyun didnโt know whether to be offended by that or not. โWhat do you think I am, a pimp?โ
You snickered. โNah. Iโm just traumatized. Sue me.โ
Jaehyun knew better than to ask questions that he didnโt want to know the answers to, so he left it alone. โYou never answered my question the other day.โ
โWhat question?โ you asked. Obviously, you were playing dumb. You needed every second to think about what your response would be, although youโd had the past forty-eight hours and then some to contemplate.ย
Your damn brother was the only thing that stood between you and Jaehyun.ย
Johnny wasnโt around this time for obvious reasons. There was no way in hell that heโd step foot in the house of his mortal enemy. He didnโt want you to be there either, but you assured him that youโd steer clear of all things Jeong Jaehyun.ย
And it wasnโt as if you had deliberately lied. It (kind of) wasnโt your fault that you didnโt know where the bathroom was.ย
โIf you wanted to get to know me better.โ
You stepped over to his bed, sitting beside him and sighing. โJaehyun, you know my brother wonโt approve.โ
โI guess thatโs a โnoโ then,โ Jaehyun muttered.ย
Your eyes glanced at his handsome face, then his beautiful, twinkling brown eyes, and finally his soft pink lips. And when they flitted so low, there was no looking back. You leaned in and pressed your lips to Jaehyunโs, waiting for him to kiss back, and when he did without hesitation your heart soared.ย
His hands flew to your back, eyes fluttering closed. God, he tasted as good as he smelled, and it was more than a little arousing. You made him fall against his mattress, straddling his hips and kissing him even deeper.
The change was welcome. His heart was racing just from locking lips with you and it took him to the sky. He grabbed a hold of your hips, which fit snugly in his palms, and listened to the soft sighs that slipped from your mouth in between the kisses.ย
Mark was probably downstairs wondering, Damn, bitch, how long does it take to piss?
You pulled back when a certain groan of his turned you on a little too much to be safe. Jaehyun was secretly disappointed, but he didnโt complain, taking time to catch his breath. โIs that a maybe?โ
You giggled and shook your head. โItโs a yes.โ
Jaehyun sat up and grinned. He knew what he was getting himself into, but he didnโt care. There was something about you that made him defy gravity.ย
Still straddling his hips, you threaded your fingers through his hair and leaned in to whisper into his ears, โWeโre playing with fire.โ
โIronically, I thought the same thing,โ Jaehyun deadpanned.ย
You chuckled. Well, if you didnโt care, and he didnโt care, nothing more needed to be said. You were really doing this.ย
Jaehyun realized that he already really liked holding you. You were warm and soft to the touch, and you fit perfectly in his arms. โHave you been drinking?โ
โNope.โ
โDid you do any drugs?โ
โNot even a little,โ you said, raising a brow at the question. Much to your chagrin, it reminded you of your brotherโs incessant worry. โWhy?โ
Jaehyun said without hesitation, โBecause Iโve got weed.โ
That was exciting. No wonder Jaehyun never came downstairs during his roommatesโ parties. The real party was in his bedroom. โGeez, Dimples. What are you waiting for?โ
Jaehyun laughed at your enthusiasm and grabbed his lighter off his nightstand. You were flattered when he let you roll and even more when he praised your technique, which took years to develop. Thank god for your experienced friends.ย
The high had you hyper aware of everything. Jaehyunโs whole room smelled like him, to no surprise. As he said, he lived there, fuckโs sake. But it was pleasant and you were honestly forgetting that you even promised to return downstairs.
The guilt and pressure of keeping secrets from Johnny was heavy on your back a few moments ago, but after the marijuana settled in, you relaxed into Jaehyunโs side. He didnโt seem to mind. Maybe it was the tree getting to his brain, but his hands got a little bolder, too.ย
And it also only enhanced your curiosity. โDo you do this often, Jaehyun?โ
โYou mean invite girls into my room to talk and smoke?โ
โYeah.โ
Jaehyun took a drag and exhaled into the thick air of his room. โEh, not really. Iโve had girls in my room before, obviously, but it never really lasts.โ
You werenโt surprised. Any girl could see that Jaehyun was handsome as all fucking hell and you didnโt expect him to be a total sexless loser. Matter of fact, if he told you that he was a virgin, you doubted that youโd even believe it.ย
โMaybe you havenโt met the right girl then,โ you suggested coyly.ย
Jaehyun chuckled. โMaybe.โ
It was way too soon to ask if he thought you were the right girl, so instead you settled for asking where his interests lay. โWhat exactly are you looking for?โ
Jaehyun knew the answer to that question in perfect detail because heโd thought about it countless times, being his typical hopeless romantic self. This was a boy that dreamed of finding his miss right before he went to bed. He was a simple guy. He wanted picket fences and kids. Perhaps a puppy.ย
But maybe it wasnโt all too simple. Jaehyun wasnโt searching for a housewife. He wanted someone to go to random old shops with and look at vintage items together. He wanted someone that didnโt draw a lot of attention, but liked to go outside and explore. Money be damned. Thanks to his mother, he had ample cash, but no one to spend it on.ย
Jaehyun hummed, pretending to think about his answer. โGuess.โ
You threw him a look. โAre you serious?โ
Jaehyun bobbed his head eagerly, lips curling into a mischievous little grin. โIโll tell you, but I want you to guess first.โย
You sighed and glanced around his bedroom for clues, and fortunately enough, there were plenty. โVinyls from the nineties. Youโre an old soul and you want someone who fits your vibe. You smell like expensive cologne, so maybe you want someone to wine and dine, but you definitely want to be comfortable.โ
Jaehyun said nothing, but you could tell that he was listening.ย
You looked at the pictures of him and an older woman framed on his nightstand and continued, โYou want the type of girl you can take home to your mother. And your mother wants the absolute best for her son, so she raised you to have high standards.โ
โYouโre good at this,โ Jaehyun muttered.ย
โIโm nowhere close to being finished,โ you said, grinning from ear to ear. โJudging from the souvenirs on your shelf, you like going to different places, so you want someone curious and adventurous in nature. Appreciative and respectful of different peoples' cultures.โ
Jaehyun was only smiling at this point. It was kind of funny and spooky being read like this.ย
โYouโve searched for love and havenโt found something that feels right, so now you keep girls around for a good time, not a long one. And you love a damsel in distress, I think,โ you said, concluding your investigation.ย
โWow,โ was all Jaehyun said.ย
Though you already knew the answer, you pressed your lips into a smile and asked, โAm I warm?โ
โYouโre on fire,โ he replied, wondering how in the hell you got all that just from looking at his bedroom. โBut how did you know?โ
โThat you love a damsel in distress?โ
โThat Iโve looked for love and gave up on it.โ
You almost rolled your eyes. You couldnโt believe he was seriously asking that question. โNo offense, but you scream hopeless romantic. Plus youโre hot. You know your worth and what you want and I doubt itโs meaningless sex.โ
Jaehyun had this melancholy look on his face for the briefest of seconds, but it disappeared so quickly you couldโve imagined it being there.ย
โI donโt think you gave up, I think you took a little pause. You know sheโs out there, and when the timeโs right, youโll know.โ Then, you abandoned the sadness and quipped, โBut youโre also a guy, and guys want sex.โ
Jaehyun chuckled, but you had somehow penetrated his mind. You had part of him figured out and he didnโt know what to do with that. It was too soon to get too deep.ย
You exhaled contentedly, but the marijuana had you thinking. You couldโve been wrong about Jaehyun. You had definitely been wrong before.ย
There was this tension in the room now that neither of you were equipped to handle. As standard when he was fooling around with a girl, there was a piece of him that wondered if it could be the real thing this time, but he didnโt want to get ahead of himself.ย
It wouldnโt have been the first time.ย
Jaehyun gave you back the blunt. โWhat about you - what are you looking for?โ
โWho said I was looking?โ you asked with obvious amusement.ย
That shattered Jaehyunโs former thoughts of possibly wifing you up one day. Of course you didnโt intend on dating the dude your brother hated. It wouldโve been a very unconventional relationship. You could keep him around for fun, but it would have to end sooner or later.ย
So Jaehyun contentedly resigned himself to the fact that you would pass, just like all the other girls he brought up to his room, and decided he was fine with that. Maybe he had high standards, but youโd forgotten to mention the part that they came with moderate hopes and low expectations.
That way getting hurt was borderline impossible.ย
Then, Jaehyun started to grin like an idiot and reminded, โYou said that you think Iโm hot.โ
โI literally said that ten hundred hours ago,โ you groaned, exhaling a puff of smoke into the air.ย
You cried out in shock when he grabbed your hips and pulled you back onto him again, but instinctively leaned into his shoulder. Jaehyun was (usually) humble, but anyone who thought he didnโt know he was hot was a fool. โAm I hot enough to kiss?โ
Your lips tugged into a smile, and rather than directly answer his question, you went in for a kiss, holding the blunt away from his face so that he wouldnโt get burned. Jaehyun effortlessly matched your rhythm and it was dumbfounding how he could be so excellent of a kisser.ย
You spent the better half of the night passing a blunt back and forth with Jaehyun, kissing and talking in between (featuring some inappropriate touches). Jaehyun was so fucking easy to talk to, the topics were boundless. Neither of you opened up much outside of your relationship goals and lack thereof, but you still got to know each other a little better.ย
Jaehyun loved music from r&b to jazz to soul, though you couldโve guessed how passionate he was after one look at his vinyl collection. He was flirty sometimes, but soft-spoken and very gentleman-like and he never once proposed for the two of you to have sex. Plus he was a bit of a goofball.ย
To say nothing of the fact that he could play the guitar. You didnโt know why, but that somehow made him even more delightful.ย
It was pleasant to be in the presence of a guy that was simultaneously attractive and respectful.
Because it was far too late for you to drive yourself home when you finally started to get sleepy, he let you steal his bed and slept in the room of one of his roommateโs that was never home, according to Jaehyun.ย
Jungkook was what he said his name was. Apparently he basically lived full-time in his girlfriendโs apartment and Jaehyun didnโt know why he still paid rent, but he didnโt complain. It was going to be a sad day for his bank account when Jungkook finally moved out.ย
And that left Yugyeom. He was the one that threw all of the parties. You asked Jaehyun last night why he rarely came downstairs during those parties and his response was, โI donโt like the attention.โ
Morning had come loudly as ever. Birds chirped outside, singing sweetly. You stretched your arms above your head and yawned, unable to ignore the dark curtains that effectively kept the sunlight out.ย
The first thing you did was let a little light in. And the second thing was remember how you spent last night, memories of marijuana and laughter, and flirtatious behavior hitting you all at once. It seemed that Jeong Jaehyun was a promise of fun.ย
Grabbing your phone, you headed down the stairs and breathed a little in relief when you saw Jaehyun already awake, waiting by the toaster. โGood morning, Dimples.โ
Jaehyun turned when he heard your voice and the smile that spread across his lips was instantaneous. โGood morning, beautiful. How did you sleep?โ
โI shouldโve known that your bed would be as cool and collected as you are,โ you quipped, rubbing your arms. It was colder without Jaehyunโs blankets to help strengthen the temperature.ย
Jaehyun shook with mirth and it was a sight you wanted to see more often.ย
โI couldโve slept on the sofa,โ you said without complaint. โThe party was over by the time we called it a night and itโs the most comfortable sofa Iโve ever put my butt on.โ
โIt goes against everything I believe in to let you sleep on a couch when thereโs a perfectly functional bed upstairs.โ
โAw, what a gentleman,โ you replied, coming to stand at his side. โI drew the curtains in your room open, by the way. I donโt know how you live like a damn vampire.โ
โWhatโs wrong with living like a vampire? Vampires are cool.โ
โI donโt think Vampires need Vitamin D. Humans do,โ you retorted, arms crossed.ย
Jaehyunโs lips curved into a stupid little smile that reeked of mischief and you instantly knew where his thoughts were before he even said anything.ย
You rolled your eyes at his silliness and told him, โWhatever youโre about to say - donโt.โ
Bagels popped out of the toaster and the sight of food made Jaehyun forget about his previous shenanigans. He set both bagels on individual plates that already had food and said, โI made you something. Itโs not much because Iโve gotta go soon, but I didnโt want you to be hungry.โ
โThank you,โ you said with gratitude, accepting the plate he handed to you. Plate in hand, you went to sit at the table, watching Jaehyun bring cups over.ย
โYouโre welcome,โ Jaehyun told you gently. โNext time Iโll make you a real full-course meal as a treat.โ
You gawked. โYou can cook?โ
โA little bit, yeah. Why?โ
โYou just got so much hotter,โ you breathed.
Jaehyun grinned.ย
The time you spent together that morning was a duplicate of the night before except there were only the lingering overnight highs instead of the fresh ones. You were sad that you had to leave, but Jaehyun had to work and you needed to go home.ย
Sitting in your car, you checked your phone for the first time in hours. There had to be a thousand missed calls and unanswered messages from your friends and Johnny. Though it wasnโt unusual for your phone to be on Do Not Disturb, it was definitely strange to not at least tell your loved ones that you were very much still alive.ย
You were just so hooked on Jaehyun that it completely slipped your mind to check your phone. There wasnโt a dull moment upstairs in his bedroom and even when it was silent you were comforted by the sound of a vinyl playing quietly on his record player, which you were stunned that he even had.ย
You texted your friends to let them know that you were on the way home and called Johnny to get his usual tantrum out of the way before you got there, but it was safe to say that you werenโt expecting to come back to Johnny and Mark waiting for you in the kitchen like two unhappy parents.ย
You reached into the cabinet to grab a glass and deadpanned, โUh oh. Am I in trouble?โ
Mark snickered and he looked like mischief. โVery much so.โ
Your gaze flitted towards Johnny, who was clearly the more disgruntled of the two, and asked, โWhy are you looking at me like that?โ
โYou look like you had a long night.โ
โThatโs probably because I did.โ
โDid you hook up with anyone?โ
You grimaced. โGross, Johnny. Do I ask you who and what you do with your dick?โ
Johnny gave you a look that told you he was serious.ย
โNo, I didnโt hook up,โ you replied, filling your glass with water and hoping to find a way out of this situation so that you could shower and brush your teeth.ย
Johnnyโs lips were tugged into a frown. This older brother responsibility was far from easy when his little sister made it even harder to check up on her. โI worry about you. Is that a crime?โย
You exhaled a long breath. โYouโre right. I should have at least let you know that I was okay and I didnโt, and Iโm sorry. I just gotโฆ distracted.โ
That got Markโs attention and he butted in dramatically, โWhere did you go last night? I was this close to filing a police report, but it hadnโt been twenty-four hours.โ
Typical cop father response. That was half the reason why nobody wanted to deal him drugs. Thank goodness he had you to vouch for him. โAnd what would you do if I was off with a serial killer instead of some hot guy?โ
โI wouldnโt be too worried. Youโre annoying. They would return you on the front doorstep with a note that said โcome get your bitch back.โโ
You were tempted to roll your eyes, but you noticed Johnny laugh a little and it honestly made you feel somewhat better. He had been painfully uptight lately and you just wanted him to chill for once.ย
โIโm gonna go take a shower and brush my teeth,โ you announced, discarding your glass in the sink and heading for the stairs.ย
Of course, Mark had more insults on deck and didnโt hesitate to ask, โYouโre gonna need more than that for all the cum you had to have gargled last night.โ
โFor the last time, I did not hook up,โ you huffed in exasperation, marching up the stairs. โAnd get the hell out of my house - you donโt even live here!โ
You could hear Mark laughing from the overlook.ย
A lot of time was spent counting down the hours until you could see Jeong Jaehyun again. You learned that he was not the type of guy to sit around waiting by his phone. This was a busy man with business to take care of and he didnโt have a lot of spare time.ย
You didnโt mind, because he spent it talking to you, which was definitely an indicator that he was starting to really like you. With so few hours in a week, let alone a day, it was hard to believe he let just anyone consume the little downtime that remained.ย
Jaehyun let you crash some nights at his place when your brother was being a massive thorn in your side. It wasnโt a crime, but it was easy to get away with, all things considered. Yugyeom never bothered either of you and Jungkook was rarely there, so you spent most of the time talking incessantly and getting high.ย
Maybe some kisses were shared in between, but nothing more. Jaehyun was content with just getting to know you for now. His usual invitees consisted of one-night stands and girls he hung out with for a couple of weeks, but you were different. You made him think, high or not, and it was rare a girl penetrated his mind so deeply.
And so quickly. It had only been a month, maybe a little longer. He was still afraid of being completely open with you, but the way the two of you touched each other was starting to get riskier and riskier.ย
Kisses lasted longer. More than once, he caught himself going after your clothes, but he didnโt want to seem like an animal. You did seem a little eager too, kissing the breath out of him and getting more and more flirtatious, but Jaehyun hated having to guess.ย
He wanted you to tell him what you wanted in no uncertain terms. No room for uncertainty.ย
Yugyeom knocked on Jaehyunโs bedroom door, which was already cracked ajar, and asked, โHey, is she coming over tonight?โ
โYes, so please be on your best behavior. No bullshit,โ Jaehyun replied, getting a whiff of the trouble that was Yugyeom and wrinkling his nose.ย
โHave you guysโฆ you know?โ
โThatโs a personal question.โ
โSo you havenโt.โ Yugyeom pressed, โMan, when are you gonna tell her youโve got the hots for her? You know what, Iโll clear the house and leave a bottle of wine out. Light one of your expensive candles. Girls like that shit.โ
Like hell Jaehyun needed advice on how to set the mood, from Yugyeom much less. Plus he was none too pleased at being interrupted, especially because now he was thinking about having sex with you and it was doing things to him down there. โI think I know what girls like.โ
โThen whatโs the problem? And donโt tell me that you havenโt thought about it. Weโre both dudes, man. Thatโs bullshit.โ
โThere isnโt one,โ Jaehyun replied to his roommate honestly. Of course, he had thought about having sex with you. He mightโve been respectful, but like Yugyeom said, he was still a dude. Hell, the words had come out of your own mouth.ย
Yugyeom prodded, โThen?โ
โI just donโt wanna rush into it.โ
Now that Yugyeom could buy. Jaehyun was sentimental like that. When he really liked a girl, evaluating her worth took priority over getting laid. Jaehyun had this wall of ice put up that even Yugyeom had to steadily break through. Ironically, sometimes it felt like he was still on the outside.ย
But he put two and two together. If Jaehyun liked you - as in really, really liked you - then that made shit even more complicated. It was no secret that Johnny had it out for Jaehyun and he obviously came to the same conclusion that Jaehyun had; shit getting serious with you was dangerous.ย
So Yugyeom left it alone.ย
Like clockwork, you were pulling into Jaehyunโs driveway only a few hours later. You discerned that the lot was empty save for your car and Jaehyunโs which more than likely implied that the two of you would be completely alone in the house together.ย
Slipping the spare key from under the mat, you unlocked the door and sang after locking it behind yourself, โDarling, Iโm home!โ
โIโm upstairs,โ Jaehyun called out from the second floor, his room door obviously open for once. The benefits of having the house to himself.ย
You didnโt hesitate to make your way upstairs, not failing to clock the bottle of expensive wine on the counter when you passed by the kitchen, but you thought little of it when you came through the hallway and slipped into Jaehyunโs comfortable bedroom. โHey, Dimples,โ you greeted.ย
Jaehyun smiled at you and waved. His room was dimly lit. The overhead lights were turned off, but the candles on his nightstand were ablaze and there was an old school classic going on in the background.ย
The second you came in, Jaehyun set his book aside, giving you his undivided attention. โCome here.โ
You wasted no time doing as told, advancing towards the bed and giggling when he snatched you into his open arms for a handful of kisses. Your whole body was soothed from his slightest of touches, at ease in his arms. Jaehyun had quickly become your second safe place.ย
God, you had been waiting for this moment all week. Johnny wasnโt on your ass any more than usual, but it got lonely in that house and it was even worse when you found yourself only craving Jaehyunโs company. There was something happening to you and you couldnโt tell if you liked it or not.ย
Jaehyun drew back after a minute, taking a moment to breathe and brush a loose strand of hair behind your ears. โThings okay at home?โ
โNew topic,โ you groaned.ย
Jaehyun winced. That couldnโt have been too good.ย
โYou smell good,โ you purred, breathing in his scent.ย
โYou always say that.โ
โBecause you always smell good.โย
โI just got out of the shower.โ
โWithout me?โ
โYou sound like a guy,โ Jaehyun said in disapproval.ย
You snickered. You had definitely gotten that comment from a boy before.
Jaehyunโs eyes were fixed to your face, taking in how beautiful you were. Damn, it was like every time he saw you, you looked even more breathtaking.ย
You couldnโt help but stare back. Jaehyunโs visuals were out of this damn universe and it was borderline maddening he could be this fucking fine. But deeper than that, sometimes you couldnโt help but stare into his dark eyes and wonder what all he was hiding back there.ย
It was plain as day that Jaehyun wasnโt the type to wear his heart on his sleeve, especially not when his romantic feelings were involved. In the time that youโd spent together, you had gotten to learn some things about him, but there was plenty that he filtered out as a defense mechanism.ย
When you wanted to get closer, Jaehyun shut down, which was totally ironic, because he was the one that asked if you wanted to get to know him. Now you had to fight for it?
Maybe he meant get to know his body and you were oblivious - and you wouldnโt have minded one bit - but if that was the case, you shouldโve already had sex and been out of the picture. Yet he was keeping you twice as long as most girls lasted and for no apparent reason.
Sex made things more complicated. If you had sex with Jaehyun right now, and it was good, there was absolutely no telling how that would shift the trajectory of your entire life. But the way he was looking at you right now tempted you to risk it all.ย
Your lips found Jaehyunโs again, but the kiss was different this time. It was needier, desperate. It sent heat stretching through every bone in your body and straight between your thighs, and you felt like you were levitating. Your body scorched with desire, hands running down his chest.ย
Jaehyun kept up with your reckless kissing very well, but he couldnโt ignore the nature of it and it made him ask himself questions. You were kissing him like you wanted him. Tired of wondering, he pulled back and asked forthrightly, โDo you want to have sex with me?โย
โIsnโt it obvious?โ you countered, quickly seizing the opportunity to return your lips to his.
All of this beating around the bush was getting on his nerves and Jaehyun took matters into his own hands. Literally. You gasped when he pushed you onto your back, pinning you onto his bed, and locked your wrists above your head. โI want to hear you say it.โ
Now that was sexy as hell and your thighs involuntarily pressed together. โI want to have sex with you.โ
That was all Jaehyun needed to hear. He was quick to catch your lip in between his teeth and seal your lips in another heated kiss, taking in your every trembling exhale. You moaned into his mouth, a little too enamored with how good it felt beneath him.ย
His hands released your wrists in favor of your waist, testing the waters. You were reactive to Jaehyunโs touches, hyper aware of his hands steadily falling lower, but not daring to touch you too intimately yet. Like he was waiting for something to happen.ย
Jaehyunโs eyes sank to your empty neck and something deep in the pit of his gut was set on fire. โAre marks okay?โ
Making quick work of his shirt and tossing it over his shoulders, you nodded your head. โYeah. Johnny will notice, but heโll never assume theyโre from you.โย
It took absolutely nothing else for Jaehyun to connect his lips to your throat hungrily, leaving mark after mark on your skin in an effort to stake his claim to you. And all it did was turn you on further. There was a thudding between your legs, arousal spilling over.ย
Little soft sighs and curses slipped from your lips and you could feel the bedroom get hotter and hotter. It wasnโt as if you and Jaehyun had agreed to be exclusive, but you hadnโt been with anyone else in the time that the two of you had been hanging out, meaning it had been over a month since youโd last had sex.ย
And it fucking showed. You were aching for more, on top of your natural desire for Jaehyun. If you didnโt fuck his brains out right now you were going to self-destruct.
โJaehyun, fuck me,โ you groaned impatiently.ย
Instead, he grinned, too fond of the neediness in your voice and on your pretty face. Jaehyun looked you plain in the eye and said, โI want you to beg.โ
You were too gone to roll your eyes, but not too out of it to retort, โMake me.โ
โIโm gonna make you beg, alright,โ Jaehyun said without question. He made a move for your shorts and tugged them off your ankles, repeating the gesture with your panties.ย
The only thing that kept you from being totally naked was your top but Jaehyun didnโt look too concerned with getting rid of it yet. Instead, he focused his undivided attention between your legs, entranced by your glistening core and his mouth going dry with the desire to have a taste.ย
You watched the enthrallment on his face with satisfaction. Funny how his ability to conceal his emotions went out the window when pussy was involved. His eyes were dark as ever and Jaehyunโs voice somehow got deeper when he asked, โWill you let me taste you?โย
โFuck,โ you mumbled, sensing that he was about to wreck the living hell out of you. โUh, yeah. Yes.โ
No room for uncertainty. Now that he had your consent, Jaehyun gathered your legs in his hands, tossed them over his broad shoulders, and went to town. You gasped aloud at the first pass of his tongue at your clit and it couldnโt have been further from tentative.ย
Of course this man went straight for your sensitive bundle of nerves instead of your slick folds, he knew better. Given how exciting the thought of Jaehyun dicking you down had been, you were already throbbing, but now you were tense and unstill.
There was something about the feeling of his lips sucking and licking at your cunt that made you squirm and cry out in an overwhelming bolt of pleasure. Jaehyun clamped his big hands onto your thighs to keep you pliant, holding them right where he wanted them, and kept eating you out.ย
It made zero sense how hot you found every little thing that he did.ย
โJesus, fuck,โ was basically all that you could say. With how vigorously Jaehyun was sucking at your bundle of nerves, it was getting borderline impossible to think.ย
Jaehyun sure didnโt seem timid. Matter of fact, the way he refused to shy away from in between your pair of legs, doing everything in his power to keep them separated at both sides of his head, said loud and clear that he was a man on a mission to make you unravel.ย
Not to mention that he was doing a damn good job. Your ears were hardly even working, the whole world fading to static, the only audible sound being the incessant throb of your pulse quickening by the minute.ย
The sheer opposite was true for Jaehyun. His ears were on full alert and he could hear everything from the increasing volume and speed of your breaths plus your soft moans to the gentle rustling of the trees' leaves outside his open window.ย
Jaehyun peered up at you, noticed the euphoria tensing your beautiful features, and his lips broke into a wide grin. โHow are you doing up there?โ
No words would come. It took twice as long to even process the ones that left his mouth. Your eyes were drooping and misty, damp with moisture, and all that escaped you was a befuddled, โFuck.โ
Jaehyun snickered. That was answer enough. โIt sounds to me like youโre having a fun time,โ he started. โDo you want to cum?โ
You obviously heard that and hissed, โDonโt ask stupid questions.โย
โIf you want to cum, then beg me for it,โ Jaehyun growled darkly. You appreciated the brief lull of peace, but of fucking course, it was that moment Jaehyun chose to press a long pair of fingers into your dripping pussy.
Your back arched and your soft cries filled the air. It felt like somebody had given Jaehyun the blueprints to your body with how he excelled at satisfying you in ways literally nobody had previously.ย
The answer was obvious. Jaehyun wanted you to beg? Fuck it. You would beg.ย
โPlease,โ you said, your voice raising a few pitches. โOh, god. Please make me cum, Jaehyun.โ
Jaehyun didnโt make a sound but you could feel his mouth on your cunt again and knew that he was about to take you there.ย ย
And then it came. The mind-numbing orgasm engulfed you in its fury and you were scarred with burns from head to toe, most of it pivoting towards your core.ย
Your hands desperately grasped locks of Jaehyunโs soft fluffy hair in an attempt to anchor yourself and you didnโt release him from your clutches until every tremble faded. Jaehyun got so aroused watching you shudder with release that he swore his own mind went blank.ย
It took a good minute and a half at the least for your mind to start to clear itself and you sighed pleasantly as the wrath of your orgasm slowly began to die out. You peered down at Jaehyun, blinking a couple of times, and slackened your grip when you realized how tightly your hands were latched to him.
Jaehyun didnโt seem to mind, contentedly watching you try to gather your bearings. โAre you back to earth?โ
โBarely,โ you rasped, still unable to feel your thighs.ย
โDo you want to stop?โ
You gawked. โAre you kidding? I still wanna fuck you. If you still wanna fuck me.โ
โI still want to fuck you,โ Jaehyun said, pulling you in for another hot but reassuring kiss. It was hard to breathe, but so worth it. You slipped your tongue into his mouth and tasted yourself on his.ย
Kissing you made Jaehyun feel like he was ascending, but right now it also made his dick ascend and his patience was steadily dissipating into thin air. You could feel his hard-on against your naked thigh and it sent shock waves to your brain.ย
I think thatโs the best head Iโve ever had, you admitted to yourself, but not aloud. Your dating history wasnโt top secret but you spoke little of it to Jaehyun. Did it matter that all of your exes were scumbags and rarely bothered to get you off?
Except for one. The sex was good, but it wasnโt a fair trade-off for your heart. No man nor his cock was worth your sanity and you told that to yourself every time you engaged with one.ย
Plus you just got this weird feeling where nothing or nobody else mattered when you and Jaehyun were alone together. You didnโt think of the various roots of the stresses in your life and calmness was finally an option.ย
You didnโt want to ruin that, so you didnโt get too deep.ย
But you were hoping Jaehyun was packing enough to be deep inside of you. Fuck that, you had felt it against your thigh. You knew that he was and it was exciting.ย
Your voice was weighed down by the thickness of your breaths. โDo you have condoms?โ
โAlways,โ Jaehyun replied, pulling a drawer open on his nightstand to retrieve one.
That was a relief. You had never done it raw before and though you liked Jaehyun, you werenโt sure where his dick had been and what all it had seen. Youโd rather be safe.
Jaehyun gently pushed you back onto the mattress and crawled over you, drawing the condom between his teeth while he tossed your shirt and bra halfway across his bedroom, then whispered, โTell me how you want it.โ
โHard and deep. Deep and hard,โ you confessed sultrily, looking him dead in the eye.ย
Jaehyun smirked. โThat can be arranged.โ
You watched Jaehyun shuffle out of his pants and put the condom on, but the bulk of your attention was set on that thick, girthy cock. Your mouth was watering. Maybe some other time you could suck him off, but right now getting it between your thighs was all you wanted.ย
It didnโt seem as if he glanced up, but Jaehyun said, โYouโre staring.โ
โSorry.โ
โNo, youโre not,โ Jaehyun said.ย
You giggled. โNo, Iโm not.โ
The sound faded when you spread your legs apart invitingly and he penetrated you at an excruciatingly slow pace, sinking deeper inch by fucking inch.ย
You and Jaehyun made a sound in harmony when he finally filled you to the hilt, grasping your waist and using it as anchor like he was at risk of going dangerously deep if he made one wrong move and never returning to the surface.ย
Good thing it was only the two of you. You, keeping quiet when he was this good with his hands and presumably even better with his thick cock? There was no way in hell.ย
โOh my godโฆ,โ you whispered, obsessed with the sensation of being filled.ย
Whatever you were thinking right now, Jaehyun wholeheartedly agreed. You made his brain grind to a halt and stutter. โDoes that feel okay?โ
โMore than okay,โ you told him, because it was the truth. Somehow the pleasure was only spiking. The ecstasy continued to build.ย
You looked so beautiful beneath the golden-yellow hue of his lamplight and Jaehyun knew he would be fantasizing about how your face tensed with pleasure for weeks, if not months.
Jaehyun especially liked the way you were tightening around his cock, gripping it for dear life as if letting go simply wasnโt an option. You wound your legs around his hips and helped draw him into yours in spite of knowing it could ruin you, a telltale sign that your desire for more outweighed any rational thinking.ย
It just felt so good that it had to be illegal and though you knew that it wasnโt, it was damn near close.ย
There was still music playing from the vinyl player in the background that soothed any and all nerves that you couldโve ever had. You took a moment and inhaled deeply, breathing in the musk of Jaehyun and the scent of the candles.ย
Your eyes fluttered closed. It was ironic that you were on a raging high even though you hadnโt even gotten around to having your usual fill of marijuana. In legal terms, you were far from inebriated. But according to yourself? You were fiending for Jaehyun and found him lethally intoxicating.ย
His weight on top of you. His deep, guttural grunts in your ear between his jagged breaths. His perfect thrusts and the way he stroked you exactly how you wanted, all the while reaping his pleasure from your body.ย
It was fucking mind-blowing.ย
Jaehyun had a similar thought and it tore a noise out of him. His intentions in inviting you over tonight werenโt to have sex, in spite of his roommateโs attempts at getting him to get laid when he was only trying to break you in, but it was an unregrettable decision.ย
โYou take it so good, baby,โ Jaehyun said tenderly, but it barely scratched the tip of the iceberg of praises he had in storage especially for you.ย
Fuck, you wanted to hate how easy it was for him to kindle these rash flames inside of you, but your attraction to Jaehyun became undeniable the second you initiated the first rendezvous.ย
You were peering into Jaehyunโs soul, searching his whole face without knowing what you were looking for, and saw the euphoria fluttering his eyes closed and spreading his lips apart just enough for those heavenly sounds to slip through.ย
You guessed you found it then, because the tightening in the pit of your gut was at an all-time high and it wasnโt skipping out on the extremes.ย
Combing your hands through his hair, you whimpered, โIโm so close.โ
Jaehyun accelerated his pace, wanting to take you to the ends of the earth and back. You noticed, because you could feel his hard dick slapping against your hips with a purpose, and you swore to god your eyes rolled somewhere black.ย
The end was creeping up on you from behind. You could feel it. Jaehyun could feel it himself, the telltale twitch of his cock indicating that he was pushing his limits.ย
โI want you to cum,โ Jaehyun growled in no uncertain terms, his tone dominant. โNice and hard. Can you do that for me, baby?โ
โYes,โ you choked out.ย
If you were being frank, he didnโt even have to ask. It was impossible to hide the evidence of your impending orgasm, the heightened tremors in your voice and the shakiness in your body were more than enough proof.ย
All you could think about was how restlessly you were going after this orgasm and how terribly you needed it like it would fix every little thing going wrong in your life.
Your hands slipped from Jaehyunโs hair to his shoulders to finally his back, raking your nails down the flesh in a set of ministrations that were bound to leave red lines, and you rasped breathlessly, โFinish me.โ
The hoarseness of your voice alone couldโve broken Jaehyun but he hung on for your sake, fingertips flitting to your sensitive, swollen clit again because he knew he wouldnโt last very much longer.ย
You were even more restless than before and it wasnโt long until Jaehyun granted your wish, your lips parting in a scream and your vision going totally black. Your toes curled into tight bends as you grinded your hips into Jaehyun, milking your release for every damn dime.
Jaehyun could feel you clenching rapidly and repeatedly around his cock and merely seconds after that it was game over. He came with the deepest, sexiest groan you had ever heard before in your life, hips stuttering as his cum filled the condom, and all you could think about was how this could not be a one-time thing.ย
The next few minutes were a blur. You only recalled Jaehyun peeling off you to dispose of the condom, the layers of sweat on your naked bodies keeping you connected, and returning to your side briefly.ย
Jaehyun scanned you for any signs of obvious discomfort. โAre you okay?โ
Your mouth was hanging open, aggressive pants falling from your lips, but Jaehyunโs attention was no longer focused on your heaving chest - it was on you. โNo, more like incredible.โ
That had Jaehyun in the first half, but he snickered in amusement and relief when you wrapped up your sentence. โDo you wanna shower with me?โ
โThatโs kinda intimate,โ you said, as if that was actually going to stop you. โHell yeah, I do.โ
Jaehyun rolled his eyes, but there was a smile plain as day on his face. You cried out in surprise when he hauled you into his burly arms, hooking one of them under your knees, and carried you into his bathroom.ย
Your own individual toothbrush was in there on the sink counter squarely beside Jaehyunโs. It was only right that he let you keep one there, given how many late Friday nights you spent at his house instead of your own.ย
Plus some of your clothes were there, tucked into his drawers, but when you returned to his bedroom, you donned one of his shirts that was unsurprisingly oversized on you.ย
You sat on Jaehyunโs bed, memories of what youโd just done on his sheets still fresh, and watched him rifling through his vinyl catalog, but because he was shirtless you quickly got distracted by the view you had of his back.ย
At least until he turned around after setting the vinyl on his record player, apparently oblivious, and coming to sit at your side.ย
There was mischief on your face and you were struggling to stifle a giggle. It was obvious, and Jaehyun furrowed his brows. โWhy are you looking at me like that?โ
โOh, nothing.โ
Jaehyun didnโt believe you at all, but he didnโt press.ย
You sighed contentedly, leaning into his naked chest. The little voice in your brain was thinking about how he smelled so clean and fresh, and good. Well, duh, she snapped. If you somehow werenโt paying attention, he just got out of the shower.ย
But you were definitely paying attention, maybe a little more than you shouldโve. It wasnโt your fault he looked like the leading role of every romance book ever. This was a man out of every little girlsโ childhood dreams and, more importantly, every grown womanโs wet ones.ย
As Jaehyun held you in his arms, you couldnโt help but think, spotting little items in his room that screamed, I come from money. โJaehyun, is it okay if I ask you a question?โ
Jaehyun hummed. You figured he mightโve been close to dozing off, but in reality, he was just captivated by the smell of your hair and hoping it lingered on his pillows.ย
โYouโre pretty well-off, but you live with two other guys. Youโre technically always alone, but you donโt live alone. Why?โ
Now that wasnโt what Jaehyun was expecting you to ask him, but you were full of surprises. He took a moment to ponder his answer, finding himself reflecting. โItโs because of how I grew up, I guess. I was the only child, so it was just me and my parents in the house. I guess I kind of wanted to know what it's like to have brothers.โ
You made a noise of content. โYouโre close then.โ
โYup.โย
You could feel Jaehyun playing with your hair and it made you smile gently.
โWhat about you and your friends?โ
โWhat about them?โ
โWhatโs the relationship like? Have you fucked Mark?โ
You were taken aback, though rather than be affronted, the ridiculousness of that question made you laugh. โNo way. I prefer my vagina itch-free,โ you quipped.ย
Jaehyun chuckled. It was a shock that that kid got around town the way he did, but that was why Jaehyun had to respect the hustle.ย
Then, out of nowhere, you got a little sober. โOn a serious note, Mark is my bestie and heโs what I imagine having a little brother is like. Johnny really likes him too, so sometimes Iโll walk in on them hanging out without me.โ
You didnโt notice the way Jaehyunโs head bobbed along, but he was listening. It was believable. Mark was a social butterfly and impossible to dislike, no matter how irritating.ย
And he was only irritating to some. Those who didnโt find him to be a thorn in their side probably wanted him a number of inches deep in their guts.ย
You continued, โYuta is more Johnnyโs friend than he is mine, but heโs laidback. Haechan is a little shit but heโs funny as fuck. And you know Jeno is chaotic as ever.โ
You were fond of your circles of friends. Most folks assumed it mustโve been suffocating to be the only girl amongst a group of insufferable horny dudes, but it wasnโt half bad. Jeno had tried to get into your pants before, but when you turned him down he took the rejection coolly.ย
Mark, like you said, was like a sibling to you and that went both ways. When somebody suggested the two of you hook up, his knee-jerk reaction was to hiss, โEw!โ
Haechan was a slut like all of them but he knew better than to slut himself out to you and Yuta, though you already couldnโt have been further from his type, was one of your older brotherโs closest friends. According to Yuta himself, the thought of being in a relationship with you was hilarious.ย
Never mind the fact that he admitted heโd actually do it, but strictly for fun. Pissing off Johnny was his full-time job and dating his younger sister? It wouldโve been the easiest way.ย
You and Jaehyun chatted until you couldnโt ignore each otherโs incessant yawns and made the mutual agreement to crawl under the sheets together. A rare Jungkook appearance one weekend forced you into bed with each other and ever since that was how youโd slept.ย
Side by side, skin to skin.ย
The sun was brighter than ever when you woke up some hours later. You noticed that the curtains were open. And they had been since you likened Jaehyun to a vampire.
Speaking of Jaehyun, he was still sleeping like a rock beside you, completely still other than the gentle heave of his chest as he snored quietly. You crawled gingerly out of bed so as not to disturb his rest, the sight of him still asleep when you stood making you sigh out in relief.ย
After a quick wash-up in the bathroom, you headed downstairs for a snack. Your stomach was rumbling and you realized that you hadnโt eaten since you left home.ย
What you didnโt expect was to see Yugyeom half-naked in the kitchen though.ย
You werenโt sure why. It was his house and if he wanted to walk around like he just went skinny dipping, then he had that right. Fortunately, he was wearing sweatpants, so you were spared from that unsightly picture.ย
Yugyeom heard your footsteps and turned. โOh, hey. Sleep good?โ
โI only slept for a few hours,โ you confessed, though you felt like you were quite well-rested. โBut yeah, I slept pretty good.โ
Yugyeom chuckled. โI bet.โ
You said nothing else. Yugyeom wasnโt a total stranger, even before you started crashing at his house, but you werenโt close by any means.ย
โI didnโt think youโd be here,โ you said after a pause, straddling a barstool.ย
โI mean, I do live here. Who do you think pays most of the bills?โ
โJaehyun,โ you chirped.ย
โOkay, thatโs fair. Who do you think pays the second most of the bills?โ
โYou and Jungkook, but it wasnโt always that way.โ
Yugyeom threw in the towel, realizing Jaehyun had most definitely had this discussion with you at some point. Then, he started to laugh. Jaehyun was discussing their finances with you? There was no way in living hell.ย
Iโll be damned. Yugyeomed sighed in amusement. โYou know, youโre the first girl Iโve seen last this long with Jaehyun.โ
โOh?โ
โIโm not saying heโs a player, but I thought Iโd stop seeing you around here, like, two weeks ago. For a girl to survive a month with him, she has to really crank up his brain. And Jaehyun isnโt easily impressed,โ Yugyeom said.ย
It was obvious what he was implying and you knew exactly where this was heading. โIโm sure, but Jaehyun and I are just vibing.โ
โI didnโt say that you werenโt.โ
โYes, but you think that we arenโt,โ you replied, rubbing your arms. It was always cold the mornings after.ย
Yugyeom laughed. โNo, I donโt. Not right now. I didn't even crack Jaehyun that soon. All Iโm saying is Jaehyun is a real gem and I think that you have a solid chance.โ
โAnd you want me to take it?โ
Yugyeom was strategically bouncing around, going from subtly planting ideas in your head to making them seem as if they were your own. โWhatever you do with that information is out of my hands and none of my business.โ
Your lips parted to speak, but you were fortunately saved by the bell. Footsteps were heard from the hall and Jaehyun emerged from around the corner, voice deep from sleep, โWhat are you two talking about?โ
Yugyeom lied without hesitation, โHow handsome you are, of course.โ
Jaehyun didnโt believe it for a second, but he stole the barstool beside you and gently nudged your elbow. โYou think Iโm handsome?โ
โOh, the handsomest,โ you deadpanned, but rested your head onto his shoulder.ย
Jaehyun let you. At least for a little while, but then he pulled you into his chest and mumbled groggily, โYou left me.โ
โIโm sorry,โ you whispered, your hands tangled into his dark hair. โIโll stay next time.โ
โGood.โ
Yugyeom was peering into the fridge, shaking his head, wondering if he was the only one that saw your fate.ย
The whole weekend was spent in Jaehyunโs arms, restless. If you werenโt getting high on marijuana and chatting about whatever came to mind, you were dancing to one of his vinyls. If you werenโt kissing each other breathless, you were fucking each other senseless.ย
It was two days of whimsical fun, ignoring the world and its insignificant little woes. In many ways, Jaehyun was like your oasis.
You were starting to hate Mondays. They were the days where you realized that nothing was forever, every time without fail. The days you had to finally face the world after a weekend of neglecting its existence.ย
Plus you didnโt get a lot of Jaehyun during the other five days of the week, and though you understood your conflicting schedules, it was getting less and less easy to cope.ย
Finals week thankfully gave you less time to think about whatever the hell was blossoming between you and Jaehyun. You didnโt want to think about it, because you were well aware that it wouldnโt last. As perfectly as Jaehyun molded into you, there was no piece of him that fit the bigger picture.ย
But of course, you were pacing down your schoolโs courtyard with a bag slung over your shoulder when you noticed Markโs footsteps catching up to you. โWanna tell me why Johnny asked me if youโve been going out with somebody lately?โ he asked.
You pretended to be oblivious, keeping your head straight and your steps quick. โWhy would he ask you that?โ
โBecause Iโm your best friend and you tell me everything, or so I thought,โ Mark hissed.
You groaned, weighing your options. You could keep this private love affair to yourself and let the guilt and pressure split you down the middle, or you could confide in your best friend and hope it took the edge off.ย
Pulling Mark behind a tree and scanning your surroundings for unwanted bystanders, you exhaled roughly and said, โDonโt freak out, but I may or may not be sleeping with Jeong Jaehyun on the weekends.โ
Mark was understandably dumbfounded by that information and screeched aloud, โWhat the fuck, dude?โ
โI just said donโt freak out!โ
Mark shook his head, the total opposite of cool and collected. There was no way in hell he wasnโt going to freak out. โAre you kidding? Johnny literally wants to kill him.โ
โGod, I know,โ you bemoaned, pressing a palm to your forehead. This whole situation combined with the stress of finals was giving you a splitting headache.ย
The shock was still evident on Markโs face, but he seemed to be cooling off. โShit, dude. This is crazy. Is the sex at least good?โ
Your mind was fluttering with memories and it was hard to resist a smile. Getting laid right now would probably fix you. โJeong Jaehyun may be a scoundrel for whatever reason, but I can reassure you he is not lacking in the sex department.โ
Or any department. It was strange that in the weeks the two of you had spent bonding and the like, you had yet to identify a single red flag of Jaehyunโs. Apparently, the weirdest thing about this boy was the amount of pictures he kept of his toes.ย
โOh my god,โ Mark gasped.ย
โWhat?โ
โThat night you went upstairs to pee and didnโt come back,โ Mark started, finally connecting the dots and displeased he hadnโt seen the hints earlier. โYou were off screwing Jaehyun, werenโt you?โ
โActually, no. I was with him, yes, but we werenโt hooking up then.โ
Mark was baffled to very fucking his core. That had to be half a decade ago. This whole time, you were spending your spare time on Jaehyun and nobody knew?
Gripping Mark by the shoulders, you stared into his eyes and said sternly, โListen. You canโt tell Johnny.โ
Your best friend made a face of disapproval, but nodded his head. โAlright. Fine.โ
โIโm serious. You have to promise.โ
Mark groaned, โDude, Iโm not gonna tell Johnny that youโre fucking Jaehyun. No matter how bizarre and borderline batshit insane that is to say aloud. I promise your secret is safe with me.โ
You released his shoulders and a shaky breath, relenting. โOkay.โ
โBut that doesnโt mean that I approve.โ
โUnderstandable. I can live with that.โ
โI donโt see how,โ Mark grumbled under his breath.ย
You frowned.ย
Months flew by. Christmas and News Year were a blur, two events you and Jaehyun spent at separate locations. Your parents were rarely home, but the winter holidays were a period of time that they always made sure to be around for. And Jaehyun paid his family a visit that week.ย
But then it was February, and the national holiday that was Jaehyunโs birthday came of nowhere.ย
โNo way you were born on Valentineโs day,โ you remembered telling him a few months back after asking him about his birthday. Jaehyun had groaned, more than accustomed to how this conversation played out. This was far from his first rodeo.ย
Though it was rare that a girl made it to actually celebrate his birthday with him.ย
Idiotically, you found yourself scorching with nerves that afternoon, overwhelmingly anxious. Your whole body was tense and you paced around your room antsily for hours until it was time to get in your car and head out to Jaehyunโs house.ย
You had gotten him a gift and you werenโt sure whether he would like it or not. Then again, you had spent weeks planning what you would give him based on every second of every little conversation youโd shared and you were half confident, half uncertain.ย
Jungkook opened the door to leave at the same moment you were preparing yourself to go inside, most likely heading to his girlfriendโs place after spending the morning celebrating his friendโs birthday, and held the door open for you. โUh, do you need a minute?โ
โNo. Thank you,โ you replied bashfully, catching the door and finally turning inside.ย
You took one more deep breath and paced upstairs while gripping the box in your hands so tightly it mightโve broken.ย
Jaehyun was sitting on his bed, his guitar in his hands instead of standing upright in the corner of his bedroom as typical, and glanced up when he heard your footsteps. โHi.โ
โHi, birthday boy,โ you greeted.ย
Jaehyun was smiling. You had already wished him a happy birthday at midnight on the dot which was a sweet gesture in itself.ย
โI, uh, got you something,โ you said, mentally cursing yourself for sounding so nervous.ย
โI can see that.โ Jaehyun set his guitar aside. There was curiosity in his stare, but he whispered, โYou didnโt have to.โ
โBut I wanted to. Youโre myโฆ friend,โ you told him awkwardly, handing over the gift before it made you say something stupid. โI didnโt know what to get a guy who has literally everything he wants, but I tried.โ
Jaehyun accepted the gift box graciously, peeling off the wrap, and said, โWhatever you got me is more than enough, baby.โ
You sure hoped so. You didnโt spend the past few weeks stressing over this very moment for nothing. You wanted to give him something thoughtful and memorable.ย
Anticipation made your heart sound like thunder. You fidgeted, twiddling your thumbs as Jaehyun slowly opened the box, retrieving a guitar strap alongside a couple of other items. The awe that tensed Jaehyunโs features was authentic and your heart was taut with giddiness when his lips tugged into a beaming smile.ย
A few words scribbled onto the guitar strap caught Jaehyunโs attention and he unhesitatingly pulled them closer to his face to get a better look. It was like a little note, but words only you would say. Play me till the end.ย
โWow,โ Jaehyun whispered, feeling a thumping inside of his ribcage. โYouโฆ I literally mentioned that I wanted one of these in passing.โ
โWhen you talk, I listen.โ
Jaehyunโs eyes met yours. โThank you.โ
โYouโre welcome,โ you murmured, straddling his lap and tossing your arms around his neck. โHappy birthday, baby.โ
Jaehyun set his hands at your hips and kissed you restlessly, restraint taking the backseat as he absorbed every bit of your warmth and used it to fuel his fire. Your lips took him to the other side but your hands kept him grounded.ย
Things felt different now. Kissing Jaehyun had never not been spellbinding, but right now? The feeling in your chest was indescribably hot.ย
But it was dangerous and terrifying. It defied everything you told yourself to be true, and every principle you had laid out. This was deeper than building a relationship with the enemy. It was the intimacy that accompanied trusting another guy with your heart, and fighting the unshakable doubts.ย
You had built something of a friendship with Jaehyun. Friends that occasionally kissed and felt each other up and had hooked up more than once.ย
But what if you wanted more? What if you were really two star-crossed lovers that couldnโt have each other? What if?
Jaehyun wondered if your feelings had gotten as tense as his were. Months ago, he was telling himself not to get too close to you because of who your brother was and your clear lack of romantic intentions, but no amount of walls he put up couldโve prevented his feelings from getting this deep.ย
You wouldnโt tell him even if they had. What good would it have done for him to know that you loved him, but you couldnโt have him?ย
When Jaehyun pulled back, he stared into your eyes, not at your lips. โLetโs go make hot cocoa,โ he said after a pause.
You blinked in surprise, but Jaehyun was already tugging you along before you could even think.ย
The time in the kitchen together was a beautiful mess. You liked randomly bursting out into song and Jaehyun liked dancing, which ultimately turned into him tenderly cradling you there in his arms and mumbling into your ear, the hot cocoa all but forgotten.ย
You especially liked the toasty smell of a hot, creamy mug of hot chocolate. It was very Jaehyun-like. The winter seasons in general were reminiscent of his personality, not because he was cold (like some people assumed), but the sheer opposite.ย
Jaehyun was the warmest guy that you had ever met, in a way. Anyone who said otherwise didnโt have the privilege of knowing him, but you? You liked to think that you had him all figured out.
Maybe there was a chance you did to an extent. Getting to know him over the course of these long months had definitely shifted your previous perspective. Jaehyun kept to himself because he was afraid of his vulnerability being used as a weapon, but when you broke those stubborn barriers, you saw that Jaehyun was just a guy that wanted a home.ย
He had one, metaphorically speaking, but no one to share it between. That was why you used to think he was shy, and why others thought he was cold. Jaehyun wanted to protect the home heโd built for himself and was reluctant to let others in, because he wanted it to be sturdy for the ones he would let stay.ย ย
A hopeless romantic to his core.ย
After making sure the kitchen was tidy, Jaehyun led you away to the infamous white couch that stretched along his living room wall. Your favorite spot in the whole house. Aside from his bedroom, of course.
Jaehyun, on the other hand, couldnโt decide. Half of it was littered in a slew of memories of you and his whole bedroom smelled more like you than it did himself now. Picking a favorite would be an impossible choice.ย
There was a lull of silence as the two of you sipped from your mugs, but it wasnโt an issue. The silence was always comfortable with Jaehyun, as well as literally everything else about him.ย
Though you didnโt notice, the weird thing now was that Jaehyun was less secure. He didnโt make it obvious, but he was remarkably nervous. Jaehyun tried to cloak his nerves when he said, โI kind of got you something, too.โ
Your eyes went wide with shock. โYou got me somethingโฆ for your birthday?โ
โI mean, yeah. Itโs also Valentineโs day and youโreโฆ important to me,โ Jaehyun confessed softly, a tiny smile breaking out onto his lips.ย
โI am?โ
โYou are,โ he whispered, hurriedly reaching into his pockets for something. Imagine your surprise when he dropped a USB drive into the palm of your hand. โStick it into your computer when you get home.โ
You nodded obediently, sitting it on the coffee table so that it wouldnโt be crushed in your jeans, but your innate curiosity was never satisfied and you asked, โWhatโs on it?โ
โA surprise,โ was all Jaehhyun said.ย
You hummed. If Jaehyun didnโt want to tell you, you knew it would be pointless to press.ย
But you would be lying if you said that it wasnโt killing you.ย
Jaehyun knew that. He knew you were a curious individual, because he was drawn to your insatiable need to know. But he didnโt want to be there to see your reaction. Just looking at you made his chest taut and rejectionโs brutal fangs still ripped him to shreds.ย
At least you couldnโt tell by looking at him. Jaehyun had made sure of that. โTalk to me,โ he said, squeezing your hand.ย
You smiled, because his hands were warm from the hot cocoa. โAbout what?โ
โTell me more about yourself. Itโs been months, but I feel like thereโs still more to know about you. Talk to me about what you love. Your hopes and dreams.โ
A little sigh left you. โWhere do I even begin?โ That was what you said, but youโd already continued without affording yourself any time to pause. โI want to be an orthopedic surgeon. Iโm obsessed with anatomy and how our bodies function. Thatโs why Iโve been busting my ass for grad school.โ
That much was obvious. Anybody that saw you on the party scene mightโve assumed you were merely another hopeless college student who only knew hooking up and getting shit-faced drunk, but Jaehyunโs first time seeing you was in the back of a library with a laptop and a heap of textbooks.ย
You were a hard-worker and no hangover stood a chance between you and your goals. But you were also just a normal girl who wanted to let loose sometimes. It was the perfect balance.ย
Jaehyun was a keen listener. โThat sounds tough.โ
You fought a groan. โGod, yes. But itโs so worth it. Itโs my senior year and Iโve been waiting my whole life for med school.โ
โYouโve wanted to be a surgeon for that long?โ
โIโve always known who I wanted to be,โ you exhaled contentedly. And for that you were endlessly grateful. โWhat about you?โ
Jaehyun shook his head. โNo. Not always. First, I guess I had to leave home and do the whole โfinding yourselfโ thing.โ
โThereโs nothing wrong with that. Itโs rare that people are born with an innate sense of who they are. We deserve to live life through trial and error. Thatโs freedom,โ you said.
Jaehyun wholeheartedly agreed. Leaving home to explore his identity mightโve been the toughest decision he ever made, but also the best one. โWhat about love?โ
โWhat about it?โ
โDid you ever dream of that, too?โ
You shouldโve figured he would go there. It was the essential question. The world of trauma beyond your control. โI used to,โ you admitted, somber. โI just havenโt had a ton of faith in it lately. Thatโs what happens when you grow up, I think. You realize lifeโs not like the movies.โ
Funny how I call you a hopeless romantic when hopeless romantics are anything but hopeless. In spite of the pain and the betrayal, they refuse to accept that they might die alone one day. If anything, Iโm the hopeless one. Iโve fallen in love with the one boy I could never make mine.ย
Jaehyun frowned for a split second, but recovered quickly. โYeah, I know.โ
You wondered who had hurt him, but chose not to ask. If he wanted to tell you, then he already wouldโve.ย
โYou didnโt ask me,โ Jaehyun started.ย
You glanced up at him.ย
โAbout my pain,โ he continued shortly. โAbout her.โ
โI didnโt think you were ready.โ
โDo you want to know?โ
โI mean, yeah. Of course, I want to know who hurt you and how that made you who you are. I want to understand you. But only as much as you want me to,โ you told him. The truth was that as curious as you were, you were afraid of overstepping. The same way that Jaehyun was terrified of oversharing.ย
He replied with total certainty, โI want you to know.โ
You swallowed, feeling a lump form in your throat and unsure why. It was his deep, dark secrets being revealed, not yours. Plus you were positive there wasnโt a single person in the county who didnโt know your history with your one and only ex. โOkay. Take your time.โ
Jaehyun heaved a shaky breath, preparing himself to share something that heโd never specifically told anyone. โBack home in Seoul, I dated a girl. I was naive and I thought she was the one. But she wasnโt. She only wanted a guy handsome enough to impress her parents.โ
You maintained eye contact to let Jaehyun know you were listening.ย
Jaehyun continued, โI guess we had different desires in life. She wanted a boy to show off and I wanted a girl who was my best friend at the foundation. We only talked about surface things. I couldnโt be myself around her.โ
You nodded. That sounded like the Jaehyun you knew.ย
โThen, I found out she was cheating on me,โ Jaehyun added calmly, but he still recalled the trembles of anger that wrecked through his body. โAnd I left her then and there. I dipped. I mightโve been a naive idiot, but I knew my worth. She was my first and my last.โ
You were shocked. That you shared the same pain - an unfaithful partner - and that Jaehyun hadnโt had nearly as many other partners as you thought he wouldโve. โYouโve only dated once?โ
โFor me, once was enough to figure out what I wanted in a relationship, and it wasnโt a girl who I could barely trust or be myself with,โ Jaehyun said. โI talked to other girls, but like I said before, nothing lasted, and Iโve obviously hooked up.โ
Ironically, Iโve been hurt more by girls I never had than a girl that was supposed to belong to me.ย
โI harbored resentment for a long time, but what lasted longer was the leftover fear of trusting someone again. I only let people see what I want them to see. And because of that, Iโm a little lonely sometimes, but itโs okay.โ
โDoes it get sad?โ you asked quietly.ย
Jaehyun shrugged his shoulders. โMaybe, but itโs better than being heartbroken. Anyways, Iโve gotten better about inviting people into my life and having good judgment. Time makes it easier.โ
You make it easier, was what he meant, but Jaehyun wasnโt that bold yet. He might have been the one to approach you and attempt to initiate this private affair, but you sticking around was the last thing he expected. And that opened the door for the possibility that relationships didnโt have expiration dates.ย
Reading between the lines, you were hoping that somewhere along them he wasnโt hinting about a potential future with you. Jaehyunโs head was in the clouds, but you were grounded below the surface. Because you had already resigned yourself to the fact that you didnโt have a future together.
But of course, that never stopped you from letting him undress you.ย
You were hyper aware of Jaehyunโs eyes staring into yours and it was beginning to unnerve you a little. โIs there hot cocoa on my face?โ
Jaehyun shook his head with a cute laugh and finally leaned into you for a kiss, obviously done speaking and prepared to show. You let him take you down onto the couch, laid defenseless beneath him, on the edge of surrender.ย
You giggled into his lips, pleased at how silly it was that he tasted like the hot drink youโd shared. Your hands were wound through his hair and tugging him closer to you, wanting to be inseparable. You wouldnโt be sated till his soul was tied to yours.ย
When it came to your body, you were more than inclined to let Jaehyun dominate you. But your heart was more than you had bargained for.ย
Jaehyun yanked at the waistband of your sweatpants and you swore you could sense your heart swelling with the exhilaration of getting laid by the only guy you wanted. You raised your hips, letting him take them and your underwear from underneath you.ย
You gasped loudly when his fingers ghosted along the insides of your thighs and unhurriedly traveled to your core, which was throbbing at the barest of touches. Jaehyun made you ache. Your body neglected every thought that didnโt concern him when it longed for him to use it until you were sore.ย
Jaehyun sucked a slick pair of fingers into his mouth fleetingly before inserting them inside your pussy, making you verbally respond to the contact with a soft whimper, and stole the sound right from your lips with a hot wet kiss. You only tightened around his digits when he pressed his lips to you and it made his head spin quicker than ever.ย
You pulled back and panted, โSo, you wonโt let me sleep on the couch, but youโll fuck me on it?โ
โItโs seen worse days,โ Jaehyun said, muting the sound of his own chuckle when he pressed his mouth to your neck.ย
You were torn between a laugh and a moan and the final sound was a breathy whimper of Jaehyunโs name. His mouth felt too good on your neck and you couldnโt forget his hands between your parted legs. Gentleman in the streets, but a beast in the sheets.ย
Jaehyun was touching you impatiently. Your exhales were loud and jagged when he pulled back from your stained throat, and Jaehyun couldnโt help but imagine the noises you would make when he was finally seated deeply inside of your pussy that was clenching around his long slender digits.ย
Deciding you were wet enough to take his cock, Jaehyun recouped his hand from between your thighs and asked, โYou ready for me, baby?โ
โMore than,โ you whispered, disgruntled with the emptiness but consoled by the knowledge that you would be full of him momentarily.ย
Jaehyun stepped out of his clothes without hesitation and got a hold of your naked legs, dragging you toward him and leaving no room for empty space. The two of you locked eyes when he finally started to penetrate you and he looked at you with need. But you glanced away. You couldnโt stare into his soul as he captured yours. You couldnโt do it.ย
You moaned when he pushed the head of his cock through your entrance and again when it went as deeply as it could enter. The stretch was so mad, but so good. You never knew how closely the pain could be interlocked to pleasure before Jaehyun took you for a spin on his big cock.
Jaehyun pulled out with a disgruntled groan, stealing the pleasure before you could really soak in the sensation.ย
You winced your eyes open and asked confusedly, โWhy did you do that?โ
โI forgot a condom,โ Jaehyun admitted bashfully, a timid little glint in his stare.ย
โGee, you sure chose a fantastic time to remember,โ you deadpanned.ย
Jaehyun looked like he was a little ashamed and it amused the hell out of you. In the heat of your vice-like cunt, heโd lost track of all thoughts other than getting his cock inside.ย
You gawked when he stood and you caught an eyeful of his cute butt when he turned for the stairs. โWhere are you going?โ
Like it was the most obvious thing in the whole world, Jaehyun replied nonchalantly, โTo get a condom.โ
โSit your cute ass down,โ you told him a bit too assertively. โYou can have me raw.โย
Jaehyun looked like his brain short-circuited. โFor real?โ
You nodded. โYes, for real, you dummy. Just pull out.โ
Jaehyun combed his fingers through his hair and groaned, โThatโs one hell of a responsibility, woman.โ
You purred teasingly, โAre you scared you wonโt be able to do it, or are you scared that youโll bust too fast?โ
Jaehyunโs eyes fell to your gorgeous, spread legs, thickly swallowing the lump in his throat at the mouth-watering sight of you laid bare and exposed as you waited for him to take you. Fuck. Maybe both.
You snickered to yourself. Unbeknownst to Jaehyun, you were on birth control. And you had no intention of telling him right now. You wanted to gauge his restraint.ย
Jaehyun didnโt reply, but he did return to the couch to slip between your folds again, and that was even better. Your pussy throbbed tirelessly, missing the way his thick cock stretched you out, and it drew deep grunts from the very back edge of Jaehyunโs throat.ย
You could feel every inch of him pressed deep inside your pulsing walls, flush against you. All of him. There was literally nothing to separate the two of you, exactly as you had wanted, only the heat and tightness of your cunt suffocating his cock relentlessly.ย
Jaehyun loved how you took him like a fucking champ. You sucked his cock back in like you needed it, like you needed him just as badly as he needed you. Your eyes winced closed and your lips parted as you sang his name in a shrill whimper.ย
You were rapt with ecstasy at his long, deep thrusts that took you to the moon. The pain and guilty thoughts disappeared into his slow yet steady rhythm, as if Jaehyun wanted to make sure you could feel every bit of himself that he had to offer.ย
Like he was making love to you.
โYouโre so beautiful. Iโm in love with your body,โ Jaehyun whispered gently into your ear, hooked on you.
You moaned, oblivious to the fact that he really meant he was in love with you. When your naked bodies were bursting with heat and satisfaction, meeting each other in a wet collision, all else ceased to matter.ย
Jaehyun kissed you again. You swore he stole the pulse right from your chest in that very moment, your heart open to him. His hands were everywhere, tenderly cupping your breasts and thumbing your stiff nipples. This was pleasure. This was elysian. This was all yours.
You were breathless when the two of you separated and the minutes of your lips tangled together felt like mere seconds. God, Jaehyun made you insatiable. As you did to him. The two of you couldnโt get enough, not of the sex and not of each other. It was lethally dangerous to want something as badly as you both wanted one another.ย
But you knew that when you laid eyes on him, when you indulged him. You knew that he was endless trouble and yet you crept into his arms anyway like a moth to the flame.ย
โGod, fuck,โ you rasped, throat hoarse from how you were screeching his name. โYou make me feel so good.โ
Jaehyun was so gentle and affectionate with you, tickling kisses down every bit of your soft skin his lips could access. It was times like these, when he completed you perfectly, where you welcomed the thought that you were made for each other. And only for each other.ย
Your mouth was dry, open with every halfway cry of Jaehyunโs name that you could manage. Your skin was damp and sticky with moisture, a thin layer of sweat keeping his skin adhering to yours. Of course, there was a similar glistening sheen dripping down Jaehyun, beading at his forehead and neck.ย
It made you lick your chapped lips. This man was abundantly mouth-watering. You wanted to give him anything he wanted and in this sex-induced haze, you knew that you would have.ย
Jaehyun noticed your eyes fixated on literally anywhere but his face and it made him chuckle smugly. He craned his head downwards to nibble beneath your ear and groan praises about how perfect and tight you were around his cock.ย
You tangled your hands in his hair again, desperate to ground yourself, before sitting them at his handsome broad shoulders. He had no business being this good at touching and fucking you. You were downright ashamed of the noises that left your lips but made no attempts to block the pleasure causing them to slip into the dense air.ย
โLike that. Fuck, Iโm gonna cum, Jay,โ you whimpered, squeezing his shoulders.ย
The thought of you releasing around his bare cock made a shudder shoot through Jaehyun and he almost couldnโt take it. You sensed his pace getting a little rougher, as if he was out to get you. Out to finish you. โLook at me,โ he growled.ย
You did. You didnโt have any other options. Not when it was him bleeding you dry, making your body dependent on his touches.
Looking into his dark eyes, everything stopped. The whole world was set on pause. You almost couldnโt breathe. This was how it felt to fall with no anchor.
โI want you to cum on my cock,โ Jaehyun said lowly, rutting into you at a dangerous pace.ย
You nodded. You were completely submissive to his desires.
There was a throbbing pressure in your gut that only got harsher with every wet smack of Jaehyunโs hips into yours. You wound your legs around his waist and pulled him into you, wanting to fuse together your limbs.ย
Your body felt as if it were on fire. The sweat cooling down your neck, the lack of oxygen in the air. The breaths Jaehyun snatched plain from your lips. It was more than enough to take you out.ย
Jaehyun watched as your orgasm finally seized you in its open arms, taking you by surprise. Your abs tensed viciously and you arched into Jaehyun with pleasure, sensing your eyes roll to the very back of your head and your toes curl into taut knots.ย
You were still sensitive from your climax but Jaehyunโs pace was absolutely unforgiving, rutting into you mercilessly through your release. The tightness of your pussy drew a thick groan out of his mouth, but he still wasnโt done with you yet. And you were very keen on letting him use your body until he finished.ย
Jaehyun relented when you finally started to calm down after coming undone, kissing your cheeks and the corner of your lips as you went almost entirely slack. The only motion in you was the aggressive heave of your chest as you panted for breath.ย
You let Jaehyun thrust in and out of you, fighting the overstimulation for his sake. You were content to feel him brushing against your slick walls and hear those breathy grunts.ย
Smoothing your hands up and down his burly arms, you whispered, โJay, baby, keep going. I donโt care how long it takes. Fuck me until youโre done.โ
Jaehyun bit his lip to veil a pathetic moan at those words. After he took care of your needs, you were letting him ply you for his own pleasure. You were his vice, his ruining. Your fingers grazed across his back, gathering the droplets of moisture that were beading at the surface.ย
You could feel how hot his skin was, burning up in the heat of you.ย
Abruptly, Jaehyun pulled out of you and tore you upright, holding his desperate cock in the palm of his hand as he groaned, โGet on your knees.โย
You obeyed without hesitation, meek. Crawling onto the carpet floor, you took him in your palms and stroked his thick girthy cock gingerly, careful not to be too rough. He was victimless in your warm hands, needy and at your mercy, leaving you with total control.ย
Then it was game over for Jaehyun when you finally took him between your soft lips, gently easing him to the back of your throat. God, it was a struggle to fit his big cock completely into your mouth, but you somehow managed. You kept your cheeks hollowed, opening them for him to thrust.ย
โFuck,โ Jaehyun moaned, head thrown back and eyes winced closed. You knew exactly what needed to be done to finish him off.ย
You liked playing with his cock, obviously, but you loved having it in your mouth way more. There was nothing like driving Jaehyun to the cusp of insanity, teasing him with your tongue and hot mouth, plucking those beautiful sounds out of his lips. He lost himself whenever he was inside your throat.ย
Jaehyun was in total bliss. Your mouth was no less impressive than your sheathlike cunt for all he knew, your lips wrapping around his stiff cock feverishly without a doubt in your mind that you could make him lose his own, and he almost didnโt want to orgasm yet. He only knew you, and what you did to him. And he was too greedy to want it to end.ย
You had this boy all to yourself, wrapped tightly around your fingers with nowhere to hide. And you didnโt have the slightest clue what to do with him, or yourself.ย
Aside from pleasuring each other in bed, or on the couch in this case. You were exceptionally gifted at getting him off.
Jaehyun could feel himself approaching the threshold of release and he did everything in his power to fight it off, to keep it at bay, but it was basically useless. He couldnโt even help but fuck your mouth. You were working him too good and he was coming whether he liked it or not.ย
You were impressed that he had even lasted this long. Normally, when you let a guy hit it raw, they could barely resist emptying their load into you at the peak of climax.ย
Jaehyun ultimately couldnโt control himself anymore and his jaw slacked with a deep, lethal groan as his hips came to a total standstill, painting the back of your throat with a streak of cum. Fuck, it was the sexiest noise youโd ever heard, and it aroused a throbbing between your legs.ย
You managed to gulp him down and it was the hottest thing Jaehyun had ever seen watching you swallow his cum like that. He pulled back, a misty gleam in his dark soulless eyes as he collapsed onto the couch, breathless. There was a layer of dew at your lashes and you dabbed at your eyes to wipe them clear.ย
Jaehyun looked like heโd just had the ground ripped from underneath him. โYou just blew my mind,โ he said through jagged breaths.ย
You didnโt miss a beat. โI just blew you.โ
Jaehyun laughed, shaking the hair out of his face.ย
After both of you found your clothes and redressed yourselves, you decided to mention slyly, โBy the way, Iโm on birth control.โ
Jaehyunโs mouth gaped open. โAre you serious? I was scared you might get pregnant.โ
โThat didnโt stop you from fucking me though, now did it?โ you replied, crossing your arms.ย
โI wasnโt that scared.โ
You snickered. This idiot was a man you wanted to protect with your life, but you knew that you lacked the arsenal. โBesides, at least our baby wouldโve had the worldโs finest father.โ
โAnd the worldโs finest mother. They wouldโve been beautiful,โ Jaehyun flirted.ย
Your cheeks flushed with heat at the compliment and his obvious flirtatious behavior. โI meant that you wouldโve been a good dad, but sure. That works too.โ
Jaehyunโs eyes flickered in shock. โWhy do you think that?โ
You shrugged, not thinking too hard about it. You didnโt need to when the answer was right at the tip of your tongue. โBecause love itself is your passion. Youโre selfless, patient. Protective. And you fight for what you love.โ
Jaehyun said nothing. He was mulling over your confession, suspiciously quiet the whole time, but you were so tired that you hardly noticed. Your body was spent and you wanted to go upstairs and climb into his bed.ย
You stretched your arms over your head and stood to collect the cocoa-stained dishes in your arms. Jaehyun blinked at the action, and wouldโve stopped you to do it himself, but you were already halfway to the kitchen by the time he noticed.ย
Jaehyun walked over and pressed himself behind you, draping his arms around your hips and resting his chin on your shoulder. You giggled, enamored with how it felt to be skin-to-skin with him, and when you finished with the two mugs, he reached over your head to set them down in the cabinets.ย
You dragged Jaehyun upstairs by his arm to his own bedroom and slipped beneath his silk sheets, but invited him to drape himself above you and rest his head on your chest like you were his fluffy pillow and he was the thick, cozy blankets.ย
It was comfortable that way. You liked Jaehyunโs weight on you, so close to you, crushed beneath the pressure. His arms would tangle around you and leave you little room to escape. But you wouldnโt want to leave.ย
That was how you woke up sometimes. You used to be afraid that youโd accidentally rouse him and disturb his beauty slumber, but Jaehyun always slept like a ton of bricks. This boy could probably sleep through a hurricane and wake up wondering what happened to his roof.ย
You sighed, whisking your fingers through his dark hair and staring at his face. You expected his eyes to be closed when you looked at him, but they were watching you. The ache in your chest was unignorable, unbearable.ย
Those long nights and shorter mornings with Jaehyun were all you had, but you wanted something of permanence and you were finally admitting it to yourself. You knew these moments couldnโt last forever and didnโt attempt to deny it, but you were hoping and wishing.ย
Smoothing your thumb down Jaehyunโs cheek, you felt a piece of your heart crumble. I canโt have you and I donโt even know why.ย
โJay?โ you whispered.ย
โHm?โ
You hesitated, brimming with reluctance. A few months ago, you wouldโve thought it wasnโt your place to ask, but dammit Johnny was your brother and Jaehyunโฆ meant something to you. This was officially your business. โWhy does my brother hate you?โ you asked.ย
Jaehyun sat up abruptly, surprised. You matched the shock in his eyes, startled by his sudden movements. โYou donโt know?โ
You shook your head. โNo. Johnny never told me. I assumed he would when he was ready, but itโs killing me and I need to know.โ Because I canโt make sense of why we canโt be together, but ironically, it makes it easier to justify being here with you right now.
Jaehyun ran his fingers through his hair, looking particularly perturbed. No wonder it was so easy for you to climb into bed with him. Night after night, weekend after weekend.ย
You were almost afraid to ask, โIs this going to change my perspective on you?โ
โIt shouldnโt if you believe me,โ Jaehyun said, but the truth was that he wasnโt too confident that youโd take his side.ย
You peered up at him expectantly, resting your hand on his back while he sat beside you. You were partly terrified to know the truth, watching him nervously, but god, you were exhausted of being kept in the dark.ย
Jaehyun exhaled deeply. He didnโt want to lose you, not before he truly had you, but he knew what he was, and more importantly, he knew what he wasnโt. โYou knew Mike, right?โ
You bobbed your head, lips parting in surprise at the mention of Johnnyโs friend, but let him continue.ย
Jaehyun explained, โIโm sure you know, but he was addicted to drugs and it was fucking up his whole life. I tried to help him get clean before he fucked around and killed himself. And he was, I think. Thatโs what he said.โ
You recognized this story. Johnny had said something similar, but it was about his own efforts. You somehow never realized that Jaehyun and Mike were friends. โBut?โ
โBut then he wasnโt clean anymore,โ Jaehyun said in the tiniest voice ever. โLast year, at one of Xiaojunโs parties. It came out of nowhere. He overdosed on fent and coke.โ
You knew that too. And you hated that Mike was gone so soon, taken by a poison he couldnโt stop once heโd gotten his hands on it. It was heartbreaking.ย
โThen some people started to say that I did it, that I gave him the drugs. And I was at the party only a room away when he ODโd, but I swear to god it wasnโt me. But they ran with it anyway.โ
You frowned, pausing your handsโ consolations at his back in shock. It was starting to add up now, why Johnny hated Jaehyun. Because he thought he was complicit in the death of one of his closest friends.ย
That was when he started to become a tad too overprotective of you and it didnโt take a genius to piece together why, but you never knew it was the reason he loathed Jaehyun and didnโt want you anywhere near him. There were so many nights where you went to parties at Jaehyunโs house and Johnny would ask if youโd done any drugs.ย
Because of Jaehyun.ย
โGod, to this day, I want to punch the bastard that gave Mike that stuff. And if I knew who he was, Iโd kick his ass. So, I can understand why Johnny wants to kick mine. But it wasnโt me,โ Jaehyun said, sounding broken.ย
You blinked, taking it all in silently. You were at a crossroads.ย
Though he was hesitant, Jaehyun glanced into your eyes, unsure of what your silence meant. It was killing him. โPlease tell me you believe me.โ
โI believe you,โ you said, because you did. You had no reason to doubt Jaehyun. Plus you hadnโt known him to press his luck with anything other than weed in the time that youโd known each other.ย
โThank god,โ Jaehyun sighed in relief. โDoes this change things between us?โ
You shook your head. โNo. I thought you were a good guy before and I still think youโre a good guy now. Nothing is new.โ
โThank you.โ
โFor what?โ
Jaehyun rested his head on your shoulder and mumbled with obvious melancholy, โTrusting me.โ
You laced your fingers through Jaehyunโs, squeezing his hand. โIโll always trust you.โ
That warmed Jaehyunโs heart and he sat there wondering what he had done to deserve you. It felt like there was a burden lifted from his shoulders.ย
The day went on, bleeding into night. You expected Jaehyun to want to go somewhere to celebrate his birthday, but he reassured you that he was more than content to spend it indoors with you.
Still, it made you a little sad and you tried your best to cloak your gloomy emotions with your affections. You didnโt want Jaehyun to know, but you were thinking about how nice it wouldโve been to do something as simple as go out together.ย
Reasonably, you were shocked when Jaehyun said, โI want to try out this Japanese restaurant with you next weekend.โ
You blinked. โYou want to go outโฆ with me?โ you asked, making sure you werenโt mistaken.ย
Jaehyun nodded, enthusiastic. โIs that a bad idea?โ
โWhat if we get caught together?โ
Jaehyun shrugged. โThatโs a risk Iโm willing to take.โ
โOf course it is. You donโt have anything to lose,โ you said, but your tone was humorous.
Jaehyun replied without hesitation, โI have you to lose.โ
You were sold. Those five words were all you needed to hear.
There was a ginormous beaming smile on your face when you both finally decided to call it a night and you fell asleep with a certain soreness in your cheeks.ย
Jaehyun stayed up a little later than you had. Not on purpose, but it was impossible to rest his eyes when he was distracted by your sleep patterns. Your soft snores and the way your hand curled over his stomach.ย
It was the sheer opposite of annoying. It was intoxicating.ย
He was the one clinging to you when you roused from bed after sunrise. You felt bad for slipping away like a thief in the night, but in your defense, it was daytime and you had to be in your professorโs classroom for attendance.ย
After washing up and tossing on a spare outfit you had in Jaehyunโs room for events like these, you scribbled an apologetic note that he would surely find on his nightstand and quietly crept downstairs with a sadness weighing on you now that you had to leave.ย
And surely enough, Jaehyun woke up to the note and smiled like a dumbass when he rubbed his eyes and read it to himself.ย
Good morning, sleeping handsome. Iโm gonna miss you today, but I have an early afternoon class that I have to pass to graduate. You sleep like deadweight, by the way. I had to fight out of your arms and you didnโt notice. See you next weekend. Call me.ย
Jaehyun crawled out of bed and headed to the bathroom for a shower, but he could tell that youโd obviously already taken one with a single simple glance, and he was wishing you had invited him to join you.ย
Now he sounded like a guy. Which was fair, because he was one.ย
You raced home after class ended. Though you had more than enough exams that it wouldโve been a good idea to study for, the main thing on your mind was plugging in the flash drive Jaehyun had gifted you, because you still were dying to know what was on it.ย
It was safe to say that a song was the last thing you were expecting.ย
You froze on your bed, unsure of how to feel. Everything hit you hard. The wistful yet romantic lyrics, the softness of his voice. Jaehyun was pouring his heart out to you, opening up to you about his feelings the best way he knew how.ย
There was a ripple of emotions bursting through you. The lyrics were a little too sentimental for you to attempt to convince yourself that this wasnโt Jaehyunโs idea of a love confession. Maybe youโd known all along, but you didnโt want to accept it, because you knew that it wasnโt written in the stars.ย
Now you had no choice.ย
You sat there and cried. God, it was a beautiful song and that only made the tears drip even harder. You were bemused and overwhelmed. Bemused that he had obviously taken a lot of time out of his busy life to sit there and record a song for you, and overwhelmed by everything else.ย
Jaehyun loves me. Jaehyun really loves me, you thought, admitting it to yourself. And it scared you to death, because you loved him too.ย
Then the day came for you to hang out at the restaurant. It was the first time you and Jaehyun actually spent time together outside of his house. The meetup on the bridge and the incident at Jenoโs house didnโt count. Those were merely instances youโd happened to cross paths.ย
When Jaehyun came up behind you in a back hug while you were waiting for him (you were embarrassingly early), you didnโt jolt or startle, relaxing into his touch without sparing him a glance first. Nobody else would be wearing his sexy ass cologne.ย
You didnโt mention the song or acknowledge the obvious romantic tension between you at all, much to Jaehyunโs disappointment. But he knew you definitely took the flash drive back home. It wasnโt on the coffee table when he went downstairs, meaning you had grabbed it on your way out.ย ย ย
He couldnโt help but wonder if you had listened to it and vividly pictured your reaction, but Jaehyun knew it would be pointless obsessing over the thought if he wasnโt going to ask.ย
The truth was that you were conflicted. Your heart wanted Jaehyun, but you were rational and knew it was ridiculous. There was no point in setting yourselves up for more useless heartbreak.ย
But you had fun with Jaehyun in that restaurant. You didnโt want to admit it, but it was the closest thing to a date you would ever have with him. You talked and held hands underneath the table like the pair of lovers you hoped you were in another life.ย
Your insatiable lovesick heart was aching for more. And the worst part was that Jaehyun was oftentimes right there in your arms but had never felt further.ย
It wasnโt until you were unfortunately back home and walking through the front door that you read aloud the text youโd received from Johnny. We need to talk. Iโll be home in an hour. โWell, that cannot be good,โ you mumbled to yourself.ย
โIt isnโt.โ
You jolted in alarm. You didnโt know Johnny was home, though it had most definitely been well over an hour. Jaehyun was too interesting for you to even think about touching your phone once.ย
Given the familiar less than content glare on Johnnyโs face, you fought a groan, wondering what you couldโve possibly done now when youโd been on your best behavior lately. You lilted in the usual tone you used when you wanted to get out of trouble, โHi, my handsome big brother that I love dearly.โ
Johnny, obviously not in the mood, snapped, โTaeyong saw you with Jaehyun today. You wanna explain that to me?โ
That was the last thing you expected him to say and the shock was plain on your face. โWhat?โ
Johnny shook his head, unsurprised that you were acting clueless, and though he was furious he tried not to raise his voice. โDonโt play dumb. Are you dating him - fucking him?โ
โIโm not dating him, weโre justโฆ,โ you trailed in frustration, realizing that youโd been caught. โShit, yeah. Iโve fucked him and weโre hanging out.โ
Johnny blew out a long, exasperated sigh. โI canโt believe this. God, my own sister.โ
Tears threatened. At this point, you were desperate. Your whole world was crashing down without warning. You wished you wouldโve at least seen the text and braced yourself. โJohnny, please. If you gave him a chance, I think you two would really like each other!โ
โI could never like him,โ Johnny replied viciously, face tensing in fury as if the suggestion was an affront to his entire existence.ย ย
You approached Johnny, somehow mustering the courage to come near him. โPlease listen to me, alright? He didnโt do it, Johnny. It wasnโt him!โ
Johnny gawked. He couldnโt believe you were defending Jaehyun and took a gigantic step back, wanting to be nowhere near you. He hissed, โOf course thatโs what the bastard told you. Did he give you proof?โ
Frantic, you shook your head, and it came to you that you only had trust to back Jaehyunโs claims. โNo, but...โ
Johnny grabbed his keys and interjected, โStop. Just stop. I donโt even want to see your face right now.โ
Your lips were agape when Johnny stormed towards the garage, full of purebred rage and disappointment.ย
After a few minutes, the shock started to dull away and you temporarily regained the ability to function, racing upstairs to your bedroom to be inert. You hated the brutal sting splitting you in half. While your thoughts were on pause and you were consumed by emptiness, it was the one thing keeping you from dissociating.ย
Sitting there on your bed, knees pressed to your chest and your arms curled around yourself, you couldnโt even cry. It would come, but right now you were trying to process the pain. And in the meantime, you realized what needed to be done.
Two long days later, you were meeting Jaehyun at the bridge one final time. It took nearly forty-eight hours of gathering the courage to pick up your phone, but you had to let him know it was over. That this was goodbye.ย
You ran your fingers across the wooden overlook, taking in nature, but even the peaceful noise of your surroundings failed to soothe your heartbreak.ย
The sound of tentative footsteps barely drew you from your own head, and you didnโt want to face your visitor. You knew it was Jaehyun. For more reasons than one.ย
Though you couldnโt see, Jaehyun had his hands in his pockets. โAm I late?โ
โNo, youโre perfectly on time. I got here early. I needed time to think,โ you replied with a fleeting glance at your watch.ย
Jaehyun watched you with unease, a perturbed thud in his heart making it challenging to breathe. This was bad, he knew, and for whatever reason, that fear that he was doomed was unshakable. โWhat happened?โ
โJohnny knows,โ you began, finally whipping around. It was the least you could do, knowing you had to break his heart. โTaeyong saw us together. He snitched. Now Johnny wants nothing to do with me.โ
Jaehyunโs heart sank. No wonder you hadnโt texted or called him in two days. Aside from inviting him here, that is. โWhat now?โ
โI canโt see you anymore. Johnny already hates me now. If I keep seeing you behind his back, I wonโt have a brother anymore. I canโt live with that guilt. Thatโs why Iโve been running from it for months,โ you said quietly.ย
Jaehyun stiffened, like a boulder. โWeโre giving up? Thatโs insane! Donโt let him stop us from being together.โ
You recoiled, surprised. โAre you asking me to choose you over my brother?โ
โNo, of course not,โ Jaehyun sighed, combing his hands through his hands as he searched for the right words.ย
You desperately wanted to reach out to him, to touch him, but you couldnโt bring yourself to move. โYou should be with someone who can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Someone you can hold and kiss outside without any worries. I canโt give you that, Jaehyun.โ
Jaehyun shook his head. โNone of that matters to me. I want to be with you. I donโt care what compromises I have to make.โ
โWell, I do,โ you whispered sullenly, reminding yourself of everything you had to lose. โIt was never going to work. You had to know this. We arenโt Shakespeare characters. Hell, even they donโt get to be happy!โ
Jaehyunโs chest was taut with pain. It was usually him that had to tell people the brutal reality of unfortunate situations. And this was how it felt to be on the other side?
Fighting the oncoming threat of tears, you continued, โIโve enjoyed these past months with you and weโve made special, unforgettable memories together. But enough is enough. We were gonna have to face the truth one day, and that day is today. It was inevitable. I hope that somehow we can still be friends.โ
Jaehyun spat, โI donโt want to be just friends. I canโt be just friends with you. Why donโt you understand that?โ
Oh, you did. You really, really did. This was hurting you in ways unimaginable and nothing couldโve prepared you for the moment where you had to set Jaehyun free.ย
Not even knowing this day would come.ย
โI love you,โ Jaehyun confessed for the first time, taking some steps closer to you. The gleam in his eyes killed you.ย
Those words were like ice in your veins. Your heart stopped beating. For half a minute, the whole world ceased. You shook your head, sensing a vicious pain returning to you. โYou canโt love me.โ
Jaehyun switched on a dime and hissed, โYou canโt tell me how to feel.โ
Denial still crept through your blood. Apparently, it was one of your many talents. Jaehyunโs too. โYouโre in love with the idea of me. You just want somebody to love again and maybe I made you realize that, but you donโt love me.โ
Jaehyun was trembling. You were trying to diagnose him and he wouldnโt stand for it. โSaying that doesnโt make it true.โ
You were defiant. You needed it to be true. There had to be some way to get him to let you go and move on. You didnโt want to resort to cruel methods, but you would if you were rendered optionless.ย
Jaehyun continued, โYou did make me realize that I wanted love again. But I also realized that I could have it all in you.โ
Finally pushed past your limits, you shattered and screamed, โGoddammit, Jaehyun - you canโt have me!โ
You turned away, hoping he would let you leave. You didnโt want things to end on even worse terms than they already were.ย
But you shouldโve known Jaehyun would be relentless. He was a fighter. You were what he wanted, what he loved, and heโd damned if he surrendered without a fight. โSo, thatโs it? Youโre just going to walk away?โย
You rooted in place and exhaled loudly, bristling with frustration. โThe fuck do you want me to do, Jay? Itโs out of my hands.โ
โTalk to Johnny - you know that I didnโt do anything!โ
โNo, I donโt know anything,โ you grumbled, crossing your arms tightly.ย
That stunned Jaehyun. You didnโt trust him anymore?
Jaehyun laughed, but it was humorless. Needless to say, he was pissed. โWow. You gave up the fight before it started, before it was over. You never gave us a chance.โ
You walked away. You didnโt have the strength.ย
Jaehyun kept prodding. You were unbelievable and he couldnโt stand you right now. โI bet this isnโt just about Johnny. I bet him being your brother is just a cop-out so that you donโt have to trust another guy again.โ
Now that stung deep. He was hitting you where it hurt, making sure you understood how badly you had wounded him, and you realized there was a chance he was right and you hadnโt even considered it. You whipped around, snapping, โFuck you. I wish I never met you.โ
Jaehyun watched you disappear behind the thick branches, simmering where he stood. God, he resented the fuck out of you right now. You were accepting defeat, throwing in the towel, and he hated you because of it.ย
The seemingly endless months of ignorant bliss were washed down the drain all because you didnโt want to be a little more optimistic. You couldโve had it all together, had you not resigned yourself to being unhappy. You were so hell-bent on being realistic that you closed the door on other possibilities.ย
Almost the second you burst through the front door, your tears fell after what felt like an eternity of fighting them back. Johnny and your parents turned to face you with alarm when you paraded through the living room, but you ignored your motherโs questions and made a beeline for your bed.ย
Johnny didnโt ask. He already knew, and he was only somewhat satisfied that you had done what shouldโve never needed to happen in the first place.ย
The days of the week started to bleed into each other. You didnโt talk to Jaehyun for obvious reasons. Johnny, the man whose shoulders you thought would always be there for you to lean on, was ironically giving you the cold shoulder. Andย Mark wouldnโt understand even if you explained, though you knew he was available.ย
Never had you felt so alone. You had no one to escape to. No one who could comprehend or justify the moral dilemma you forced yourself into. Iโve truly outdone myself. Iโve betrayed my brother, baffled my best friend, and lost my lover back to back. That has to be a world record.ย
Seven days marked the longest time you had gone without speaking with Jaehyun since the onset of this private love affair. He didnโt call or text you either, which was understandable. Plus it was what you wanted, or at least that was what you used to think.ย
You werenโt sure anymore. Cutting him off was the whole purpose of meeting him, but why did it make you feel so isolated?
It wasnโt that long ago that you did it because you thought it was the right choice, or maybe because you thought it would make things better. But it hadnโt. Now that you had effectively shielded yourself from the universe, you were less free and more lonely.ย
And time continued to fly by, days of leaving the house only to attend class and coming back to your room only to collapse into sorrow.ย
Johnny felt bad. At night, there were a couple of times where he hovered near your door and heard you sobbing, but he was too petty and spiteful to knock or check up on you. You had stung him too.ย
The difference was that when Mike died, you did everything in your power to console Johnny. You gave him the space he needed, of course, but you opened the door for him to talk to you if he wanted and lent him a shoulder to cry on. You bought all his favorite snacks and encouraged him to go outside, even if it was just the backyard.ย
Now, you were suffering your own loss, one of many but in a different manner. It wasnโt like you were a bereaved wife, but the agony wasnโt any less excruciating.ย
Mark came over whenever he had the extra time to spare every week to check up on you, reminding you that you werenโt as alone as you thought you were, but you still didnโt want to confide in him about your emotions. You were afraid he would unintentionally make you feel more stupid.ย
You were a little verklempt. Maybe more than. They said time was the healer of all wounds, but with every week spent without Jaehyunโs familiar musk in the air and dreamy voice in your ear, you felt less and less whole.ย ย ย
What could you have done to keep him close to you, even if it was just for a little while longer? Maybe if you hadnโt ended on such cold, distant terms, moving on would be easier and you would be happier. You couldโve contentedly looked back on the memories of your last time together knowing you had done everything in your control to make it better.ย
But you were worried that that was false. You were worried that Jaehyun was right and this ending was premature.ย
It doesnโt matter, premature or not. It was going to end either way. Thereโs no point in delaying the inevitable, you reassured yourself in what you once believed was aggressively honest consolation, but you were starting to question how you could be so certain.ย
You told yourself that with the burden of your immoral secrets weighing you down, you and Jaehyun couldโve never been a pair. You knew it wouldnโt last forever. Youโd always known. You didnโt expect things to make it this far, but dammit you didnโt expect to have your fun cut short so soon either.ย
It wasnโt fair.ย
Sometimes you dreamt of what it would be like to hold Jaehyun in your arms without worries, without stolen touches and kisses when nobody was paying attention.ย
You sat in the nook at your window, curled up into yourself, thinking only about Jaehyun. If it wasnโt for the stupid secret that unraveled far too damn quickly, maybe none of this wouldโve ever happened. Maybe I would have you, with nothing to lose. Nothing to fear.
Fuck, you shouldโve been happy. Given how unlucky in love you were, you doubted that you were intended to ever be happy. You hadnโt smiled in an eternity. But Jaehyun made you feel your peak of happiness, as if you had never been more euphoric with anybody else.ย
More than once, you had been in love, but never like how you were in love with Jaehyun. Why did things have to become so complicated for the both of us? Why did reality hit like a fucking freight train?
If only you never fell for Jaehyun, never even gave him the time of day, then you wouldnโt be hurting. Your heart was being tortured.ย
It took another day of stumbling into the kitchen with dark eye bags after yet another sleepless night of sobbing into your pillows, and Johnny ignoring your existence altogether while he poured himself a mug of coffee, but it finally occurred to you that you couldnโt relive this agonizing cycle over and over.ย
You were sick of the pain and the dread. The insufferably cold distance when his bedroom was right down the hall from yours. You were sick of sniveling until you had no more tears left to weep, until you felt totally empty.ย
Something had to give.ย
To your surprise, and luck, Mark called you a few minutes after you strolled back into your room wordlessly, devising a plan you loathed yourself for not thinking of earlier. โHey, bestie. Talk to me,โ he said. โHow you feeling?โ
โLike judgment day came early for me, I guess,โ you mumbled into the phone, collapsing onto your sheets.ย
Mark sighed roughly. โDamn. I was hoping you would feel a little better this week. Johnny said youโre the worldโs biggest hermit and itโs kinda depressing.โ
That shocked you to your core, but you tried to play it off. โOh, Johnnyโs been talking about me?โ
โWell, yeah. Iโve obviously been checking up on the both of you on the regular, and neither of you really wanna open up to me, but Johnny has less of an issue talking about you. Man, he still cares. Heโs your brother.โ
Your heart was sore. You wished he would tell you that himself. In your own home, to your own brother, you felt like a stranger.ย
Tears burned your eyes, but you fought them and lilted playfully, โOh, my beloved bestieโฆโ
Mark knew that tone and interjected, โFuck.โ
You fought a tiny laugh and continued, โWould you mind doing your best friend a teeny tiny little favor?โ
The suggestion alone sounded like bad news and Mark was questioning what he was about to get himself into, because no matter what came out his mouth first, you were his best friend. Of course, he was going to tell you โyes.โ
Mark huffed, โJesus. Ease up on the mischief. Johnny still wants to beat my ass too, you know? He asked me if I knew you were boning Jaehyun and of course I couldnโt lie. Iโm a man of God.โ
Because you didnโt feel like disputing that statement, you ignored his speech entirely and asked knowingly, โYour dadโs a cop, isnโt he?โ
โI donโt like where this is going.โ
Your voice was maybe a little hopeful. โIs there a way that he can look into the investigation of Mikeโs overdose?โ
Mark knew exactly why you were asking and even he was ashamed he hadnโt thought of the little plan. There was a brief pause before he said, โIโll call you back.โ And then he hung up.ย
You were a little tense sitting there on your bed waiting around for a phone call. Not because you were worried about Mark not doing it, which would be ridiculous because you both wanted what was best for Johnny. It was because you were scared of not having a solution.
Deciding it would be useless to sit around antsily, you took a well-deserved nap after a restless twenty-four hours of no sleep. It would only do you good. Even if Mark didnโt have the answers you wanted, your grades would thank you.
Sleep came easy. Though they werenโt Jaehyunโs, it was nice and peaceful bunched beneath your blankets. You flipped your pillow over to the side that wasnโt stained with tears and let darkness take the wheel.ย
Johnny peeked inside your room after an hour or two, wanting to talk to you, but when he saw you comfortably snoozing in your bed and obliviously clinging onto a spare pillow for dear life, he backed away and shut the door. He knew you needed the rest.ย
You jolted awake when your phone started to ring vehemently beside your head, cursing yourself for not turning on Do Not Disturb before immediately remembering why you didnโt, and quickly lifting the phone to answer gruffly, โHello?โ
โGood news,โ Mark started, sounding suspiciously chipper. โI had my dad pull some strings. And youโre gonna wanna hear this.โ
Sitting up, you exclaimed in an impatient whisper, โWell?โ
โJeong Jaehyun is not a suspect, for one. There were witnesses that confirmed him giving Mike his fix was impossible. But for two, the case reopened a few months ago and theyโre literally about to bust the guy that did it. Theyโre waiting on a warrant. Youโve got great timing,โ Mark said.ย
You rubbed your eyes in disbelief. โWhat the hell?โ
โIsnโt this good news?โ
โYeah, it is,โ you whispered, too shocked to know how to feel. You didnโt think the stupid plan would really work. โThank you, Mark.โ
Mark was quick to reassure you, โYou donโt need to thank me. Youโre my best friend and Johnny is like my brother-in-law in some weird way. See, that sounds weird. Anyways, when do you plan on telling him?โ
You laughed at his rambling, but hummed when you thought about his question. โUh, would today be a bad time?โ
โThe sooner the better.โ
You sighed in relief. Then, you donned the loveliest tone you could muster, and asked sweetly, โWill you come with me please? I think your presence will really help.โ
Mark retorted, โShould I bring the entire police force too?โ
You rolled your eyes and begged, โCome on, Mark. Youโre my bestie and I need you. Heโs more mad with me than he is with you and plus you have the benefit of a credible father.โ
โI was already on my way,โ Mark chirped, jiggling his keys loudly before hanging up.ย
You giggled. What would you do without that boy? He was your ride or die.ย
Fifteen minutes later, Mark was pulling into your driveway and hopping out of the car. You let him in, locking the door behind your best friend and embracing him in the biggest hug of his life. You needed the comfort to wean off your nerves.ย
The last thing you expected was for Johnny to come trudging down the stairs within the very next minute.ย
You released Mark, turning to your brother, and you and Johnny said in unison, โHey, I really need to talk to you.โ
Johnny blinked in surprise. It almost seemed like he was mirroring you. Mark snickered to himself, mumbling something about you two obviously being related, but Johnny was chill and said, โYou can go first.โ
You heaved a breath. It was a shock that Johnny deliberately chose to speak to you for the first time, presumably without the intervening influence of your parentsโ rebuttal on your behalf. โI donโt know how to say this, but first I wanted to tell you that Iโm really sorry for sneaking around with Jaehyun behind your back. It was a really shitty thing for me to do.โ
Johnny nodded along, listening.ย
โBut I fell in love with him,โ you said without hesitation. โAnd Iโm not going to ask you to accept us or anything. Thatโs your choice. But I thought there was something you should know thatโs bigger than Jaehyun and I.โ
Johnny looked tense, but he encouraged you to go on. โOkay.โ
It felt like the whole world was watching you with Johnnyโs eyes carefully set on your face, but you didnโt let it stop you from continuing, โIt really wasnโt him that gave Mike his supply, and yes we have proof. Markโs dad not only confirmed it wasnโt him, but theyโre working on getting him into custody.โ
Mark nodded, standing right behind you. Like he was vouching for you the same way youโd vouched for him all these years. โItโs true, Johnny. It wasnโt Jaehyun. It was some random shady dealer that preys on addicts at these parties. He has a track record.โ
Johnnyโs eyes flickered. โIt really wasnโt Jaehyun?โ
Mark shook his head. โHeโs innocent, dude.โ
Johnny fell silent for a long time. You could see him stiffening, penitent. โI donโt know what to say,โ he whispered. โI feel like shit now.โ
You snorted. โDonโt do that to yourself. Please. Iโve felt like shit enough these past few weeks for the both of us.โ
โAbout that,โ Johnny began, getting whiplash. The look on his face was gentle, remorseful, and he hated himself for being anything else to his sister. To the last person that deserved his misplaced frustration. โI wanted to tell you that Iโm sorry for freezing you out.โ
โJohnnyโฆ,โ you trailed.ย
Johnny shook his head. He needed you to let him say this. โI know youโve had a rough few weeks, and though I havenโt exactly been pleased with you, youโre still my sister. The least I couldโve done was ask you โhow are you doing?โ but I couldnโt even be bothered.โ
You sighed loudly. That was true. And youโd be lying if you said it didnโt rub salt in the wounds.ย
โI havenโt done a good job at showing it, but I care for you. Youโre my only sibling and letโs be honest, I donโt think Iโll be getting another one,โ Johnny said lightheartedly.ย
You snickered. Damn right. You knew your parents would vehemently agree if they were here. They couldnโt be happier that all of their kids were adults. Well, maybe if you moved out.ย
Johnny breathed in some air. A lot of mistakes had obviously been made on both parts and he was ready to put it all behind him. โI guess what Iโm trying to say is that I forgot to do what was more important. Be your brother. And Iโll apologize for the rest of my life until you forgive me.โ
โNo need. I forgive you right now,โ you whispered, simpering.ย
Johnny stood there like a dumbass, hesitant. He didnโt feel like he deserved your forgiveness and would be spending the next weeks repairing his relationship with you, doing whatever it took.ย
You took the lead, starting reluctantly, โListen. I know Mikeโs passing has been hard on you, Johnny. Thatโs why you want to protect me and everything else you love in your life, but Iโm an adult. You need to let me take care of me.โย
A cloud of melancholy hung over Johnny and it wouldnโt leave. The grief was still fresh, as if Mike had died yesterday.ย
You stepped forward, placing a hand on Johnnyโs shoulder. โAnd youโre my big brother. Iโll obviously still give you a call when Iโm going through a rough time. But you have to respect that Iโm my own person.โ
Johnny nodded. โYeah, I know. Iโm sorry about all that too. Iโll be better.โ
โI will too,โ you said, because the truth was that it was time the two of you started making efforts.ย
Johnny grabbed you in his arms and pulled you into a gigantic bear hug. You wrapped your arms around him, pulling him close, and breathed easier in relief as weeks worth of wounds vanished.ย
Wincing your eyes closed, you let yourself be content in your brotherโs loving embrace for the first time in a while. You needed this.ย
You could barely feel yourself breathe when Johnny started to hug you so tightly you thought he might accidentally squeeze the life out of you. โAlright, chill, Johnny. I think I might die,โ you wheezed.
Johnny released you with a chuckle. You gasped for breath, shaking your head. Though the bone-crushing hug was appreciated nonetheless.ย
Mark was content to be in the background and cheered in awe, โIโm so proud of you guys. You overcame your differences and reunited like real siblings. I knew it would happen eventually, but dude, this is refreshing to see.โ
You nodded in agreement. One less broken relationship. But you had another one to salvage before it was too late.ย
Then, Mark remembered Johnny was none too thrilled that he was complicit in you getting away with your sneaky little secret and asked, โYo, Johnny, are we good?โ
โNo.โ
Mark gawked.ย
โIโm kidding,โ Johnny said with a teasing lilt. โWeโre good, man.โ
Mark exhaled in relief. โThank god.โ
You smiled to yourself. You were happy, but you couldnโt shake the feeling that something was missing from your life.ย
Johnny clamped a hand onto your shoulder and said, โGo get him.โ
You gasped, but you didnโt question how he knew. He just did. It was a sibling thing. โYou mean it?โ
โYes. You said it yourself. You love him, and I have no reason to come between that anymore. You deserve to be happy after dating asshole after asshole,โ Johnny told you (sort of) kindly.ย
You snickered, and grabbed your keys from your pockets. โPray for me. Heโs not gonna be thrilled.โ
Johnny shook his head, disagreeing. โYeah, he will. Tell him that Iโm very sorry, but the threat to kick his ass still stands if he fucks with you.โ
โIโll be sure to let him know,โ you deadpanned, heading for the door.ย
The drive to Jaehyunโs house was inexplicably anxious. You could still think, but every thought went by at the speed of a thousand miles per second. And it didnโt help that you were overthinking the entire situation, dreading the endless amount of โwhat ifs.โ
For fuckโs sake, you didnโt even know if he would be there. You were showing up unannounced, uninvited. What if he had already found another woman to keep him company in your forgettable absence?
Then, you were at his front doorstep. And you had no time to vividly imagine every possible scenario, because Jungkook answered your knocks and you could only barely see inside.ย
You politely greeted him in a small voice and asked, โCan I come inside?โ
Jungkookโs eyes narrowed and he didnโt waste any time in snapping, โWhy should I let you in after you broke my friendโs heart?โ
โBecause Iโm sorry and I want to set things right with him,โ you said, matching his lack of hesitation.ย
Yugyeom hurried over and took the lead, widening the door for you to enter and whining dramatically, โOh, god. Please come in. Fix him. Do your womanly magic and bring him back to life. Iโm sick of his brooding ass.โ
You wanted to laugh, but you hated the thought of causing Jaehyun all this suffering. If it was anything like the kind youโd been through lately, you knew he was in a tough spot.ย
Thanking Yugyeom, you made a beeline for the stairs, rushing up them like Jaehyun would somehow know it was you approaching them and slip away before you could get the chance to apologize.ย
You knocked on Jaehyunโs door, but you guessed he really wasnโt expecting you to come over, because he shouted exasperatedly, โJesus, Yugyeom. Fuck off.โ
โItโs not Yugyeom,โ you called back. โItโs me.โ
All you could hear was silence. Then there was a shuffle, and a few moments later the door clicked unlocked and Jaehyun was standing before you in all his glory. โWhat are you doing here?โ
โI walked to talk,โ you replied timidly, struggling to maintain eye contact.ย
Irritated, Jaehyun huffed, โWe already had a conversation.โ Though the truth was that he was glad you were here, standing in front of him again. He was borderline miserable without you in his life.ย
The reminder of your final exchange with Jaehyun made you wince in shame. โI know, but I wanted to apologize. Wonโt you at least hear me out?โ
Jaehyun turned to return to his bed, reminding sharply, โYouโre the one that walked away. I was willing to at least try to make us work, but you didnโt even want to do that.โ
โBecause I thought it would be useless,โ you admitted, giving chase and shutting the door behind yourself. โBut I donโt anymore. You were right. I shouldโve fought for us and I regret not doing it earlier.โ
Jaehyun mightโve acted like he wasnโt listening, being totally dismissive, but he definitely noticed your specific use of language. โYou said โearlier.โ What do you mean?โ
You had a beaming smile on your face as you admitted, โI mean, I talked to Johnny about us. I managed to get him to listen to me and proved your innocence. Thank god Markโs father is a cop.โ
Jaehyun softened. โYou did all that? Why?โ
โBecause youโre worth fighting for,โ you whispered tenderly, looking at Jaehyun like he was your entire universe.ย
Jaehyun was so close to accepting that he would never have anyone look at him that way again. After a heartbreak, the feeling of being unlovable always loomed over his head and you were no different. But dammit if he wasnโt tired of the doubts.ย
Tentatively, you came towards Jaehyun completely, sitting beside him on his mattress that you missed almost as much as you missed him. โI didnโt mean it, when I said I wish I never met you.โ
Jaehyun almost laughed. That was the least hurtful thing to leave your lips. โI know. You were upset. And you had every right to be.โ
You frowned, suspicious of how calm he was. You half expected him to lash out. โStop being understanding.โย
โIf youโre expecting me to be angry, I canโt do anything for you. Iโve already spent the past few weeks in that stage of grief.โ
You blinked. It was as if he could read your mind. โWhere are you at now?โ
Jaehyun was totally indifferent when he told you, โBargaining.โ
โFunny. Me too,โ you sighed. If only you had been more open-minded, you could have spared you and Jaehyun all this worthless misery.ย
You noticed that Jaehyun said nothing, but he looked a little in his head. And he was somewhere up there, scolding himself for letting him be a fool for you, then thinking, I couldnโt resist loving you. Sue me.ย
The emotion was finally surfacing on his face. You could see all of it now. The distress and the love and the heartache. You smirked, thinking to yourself, Heโs my little damsel now.ย
The grin on your lips was fleeting and it disappeared by the time you grabbed Jaehyunโs hands in yours and he peered down at you in surprise. โIโm sorry,โ you told him softly. โI thought you were crazy and hopeless for thinking we could be together. Now, I see that you didnโt want to quit until youโd exhausted your resources. And I forced your hand. Iโm sorry.โ
Jaehyun squeezed your hand. โItโs okay. I understand where you were coming from. You were trying to make things as painless as possible because you genuinely thought we didnโt stand a chance against fate.โ
โAnd somehow I made shit ten times more painful,โ you murmured, ashamed.ย
โLike I said, I understand where you were coming from,โ Jaehyun said, being gentler than he shouldโve.ย
You shook your head. That meant nothing. โBut do you forgive me?โ
Jaehyun gazed into your pained eyes. It still broke him, but he was starting to lick the wound clean. Things were changing. โYes. I forgive you, baby.โ
Your heart softened at the pet name. You never expected to fall for Jaehyun. Not Jaehyun or his precious smile and adorable face. Not the little things heโd say that made you feel as if you would burst with love.ย
But you did fall for him, and all those little things that made him himself. And you didnโt want to be without them ever again.ย
โIโm tired of loving each other behind closed doors. I want to be seen with you. I want to go to museums and look at really abstract paintings that youโll tell me are meaningful for whatever reason. I want to explore the city with you and visit shops Iโd never think to go to otherwise.โ
Jaehyun was sporting a beaming smile. โYou said you love me.โ
โI havenโt said it before?โ
Jaehyun huffed, โNo. Not even once.โ
You held his face, cradling it just shy of yours, and confessed, โThen, I love you. I love you. I love you so much, Jaehyun. I donโt know what to do without you.โ
โI love you too,โ Jaehyun said, leaning in to mumble the tiny confession into your neck, and reminded of how desperately he craved the warmth of your skin.ย
You were grinning so hard your cheeks were hurting.ย
โDonโt leave me ever again. Donโt ever let me go. Never,โ Jaehyun instructed you sharply, and although it was partly muffled, you heard him loud and clear.
โI wonโt,โ you told him, kissing his forehead. โIf you play me that song you made me on your guitar.โ
Jaehyun blinked up at you in surprise. โYou liked it?โ
โI think Iโve cried to it, like, a million times,โ you admitted unabashedly.ย
Jaehyunโs jaw went slack for only a split second, then he quickly recovered and leapt up to grab his guitar from its resting position in the corner of his room.ย
A smile danced onto your lips as he held the guitar, strumming to the beautiful song heโd written with only his insurmountable adoration for you in mind, and the pining nature of the lyrics made you realize that the yearning was over. You were Jaehyunโs. And Jaehyun was yours.ย
Losing Jaehyun, one of the few people you loved depthlessly, was like losing the last person you had. You didnโt know how to be without him. And you didnโt have to learn, because you never would be without him again.ย
You watched him attentively, beaming from ear to ear, taking in his beautiful smile and soft voice, and familiar heady cologne. And you thought to yourself, Thereโs nothing to dislike about this guy.ย
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Tyler Owens x Reader: Chase Your Fears
Prompt: You and your younger brother are roadtripping across the US when you encounter a tornado. Luckily, the tornado wrangler himself shows up to help.
Word count: 11k
Warnings: tornado mention
A/N: Had this cute little idea and suddenly it turned into an 11k monster fic... anyway, i will be obsessed with tyler owens & twisters for the foreseeable future, so please send recs if you want!
โWhat is that?โย
You leaned forward in your seat and peered out the rearview mirror warily. But even with a better view, you still had no idea what you were looking at.ย
โSeriously,โ your little brother gawked from the front seat, body twisted so that he could turn around and see. โWhat is that?โ
โI donโt know,โ you admitted, knuckles turning white as you tightened your grip on the steering wheel. You kept your eyes trained on the dark clouds swirling behind you. Thankfully, all the roads out here in Oklahoma were so long and straightโ otherwise, you probably would have crashed your car.ย
โIs that a tornado?โย
โNoโโ you began. But even as the words left your mouth, you realized that you actually had no clue. โWell, maybeโโ
As soon as you spoke, both of your phones went offโ an alert warning you of severe weather in the area.ย
โItโs a tornado,โ your brother exhaled, as he read the alert off his lockscreen. โNo wonder the roads were so quiet todayโย weโre the only idiots dumb enough to be driving through a tornado!โ
โWeโre not driving through a tornado, technically weโre driving in front of oneโฆ Besides, arenโt tornadoes thinner? Like a funnel?โ you said, trying desperately to lighten the mood. You thought if you stayed calm, maybe it would keep your brother calm.ย ย
โDonโt fat shame the tornado! What do we do?!โ
โI donโt know,โ you admitted, mouth growing increasingly dry.ย
โWe should call Momโโย
โNo, we definitely should not.โ
โWhy not?โ you could hear the panic creeping up in his voice.ย
โBecause,โ you said calmly. โMomโs in New Hampshireโ probably crocheting a blanket as we speak. What is she going to do to help us?โ
Your brother opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again like he was realizing you were right.ย
โCalling her is only going to make her panic halfway across the country.โ
โWe should call Dad thenโโ
โAnd whatโs dad going to do from Texas?โ you challenged.ย
โMaybe heโll know what to doโ he said they have tornadoes where he lives.โ
You frowned. โItโs behind usโ we just need to keep driving and keep it behind us.โ
โOkay,โ your brother said uneasily. When you glanced his way, you saw his hands positioned in his lap, trembling. Instantly, you felt your chest ache. Your parents had the two of you nearly fifteen years apart. And as his big sister, in charge of escorting him across the country so that you could both stay with your dad for the summer, you felt like it was your responsibility to keep him safe.ย
โI shouldโve just flown,โ he whimpered. โWhat was I thinking, doing a road trip through the midwest during tornado season?โ
โHey,โ you said, reaching over to grab one of his hands. You had been the one to suggest the two of you drive to Texas together. A few weeks earlier, you had finally quit the job that had made you miserable for the last two years. It had been a long time coming, but with nothing else lined up, youโd been terrified to officially make the jump.ย
You hated being afraid. Maybe it was stubbornness, maybe it was stupidityโ but something inside of you was driven to face your fears. If youโre afraid, do it, you always told yourself.ย ย
So that was how you found yourself jobless at nearly twenty-eight. Currently, you were going through a transitional period that your mom liked to call your quarter-life crisis. Youโd wanted a distractionโ something fun to make you feel adventurous and brave and alive again. Initially, heโd been skeptical of the idea. While the two of you were close, he was cautious about spending the two weeks youโd planned out in a car together. But once you told him about your plansโ stopping in New York and detouring to Nashville, he was sold.ย
Hearing the fact that he regretted his decision made a pool of guilt spread through your insides.ย
โYou were thinking about how awesome it was going to be to spend two whole weeks with your sister on a road trip. I promise Iโm not going to let anything happen to youโ Weโre okay.โ
He nodded slowly, although the look of terror on his face told you he didnโt entirely believe you.ย
โDid you know they call this area Tornado Alley?โ he asked, speech rapid. โCold air from the Rockies meets damp air from the Gulf of Mexico. Itโs likeโฆ the perfect recipe for tornadoes.โ
You sighed. In the past, you probably would have questioned why your New England-raised brother knew anything about tornadoes. But youโd since learned that his brain quite literally never forgot any shred of knowledge. The kid remembered everything.ย
โDid you know that thirty percent of the countryโs total number of tornadoes is in Tornado Alley? Or at least they have been since the fiftiesโโ
While your fight or flight response was generally more geared towards running, his was fact-spewing.ย
You gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, trying not to give away the fact that the tornado in your rearview mirror was seemingly getting closer with every glance you took.ย
As you pressed your foot harder against the gas, you smiled towards him. โTell me more. How do tornadoes form?โ
โWellโฆโ he began, and then he started talking rapidly about air pressure and moisture and wind speeds and other things you really didnโt understand. Truthfully, you tuned it outโ your only focus on getting the two of you somewhere safe.ย
Your method for calming him down workedโ at least until the winds increased. Then a giant chunk of debris came flying at your car, forcing you to swerve quickly.ย
โWhat was that?โ he yelled, all panic that had previously faded from his voice returned in an instant.ย
โI donโt knowโโ
โOh my God, itโs closerโ itโs right behind us!โย
โI know,โ you said, your own voice raising. Your foot was practically touching the floor, but your car wouldnโt go any faster.ย
Another piece of debrisโ this time you recognized it as a piece of a fence, slammed into the side of your car.ย
โShit!โ your brother screamed. โShit!โ
โWeโre okayโโ you tried to assure him. โListen to me, weโre okayโ But I think I need to pull the car over.โ
โWhat?!โ he practically screamed.ย
โI knowโ I know itโs scary, but I donโt think youโre supposed to be in a car if a tornado gets too close.โ
โHow do you know that?!โ
You furrowed your brow. โI think I heard it on the Discovery channel or somethingโโ
โDiscovery channel?!โย
By now he was frantic, and you knew that you had to stay calmโ no matter how panicked you were. But your brother also required plans and he required explanationsโ so you tried to give them to him.ย
โListen to me, I am going to stop the car, and we are going to get out, leave our stuff and run, okay?โย
โRun where?โย
โUh,โ you stammered. Truthfully, you hadnโt gotten that far yet. You looked around, realizing that your options were incredibly limited. There was an old barn to your leftโ and while the shelter enticed you, it didnโt look entirely sturdy. Further down there was an actual farm houseโ maybe they had a storm shelter or a basement. But you had no idea if youโd make it that far.ย
Suddenly, an entire goddamn tree flew by your car, taking the side mirror with it.ย
โThe farmhouseโโ you said. The barn would never stand.ย ย
โCan we make it?โ your brother asked.ย
You nodded. โWeโll make it.โย
With that, you slammed on your breaks, causing your car to come to a sudden stop.ย
To your relief, your brother followed your instructions. He launched himself out of the car and hurried around the hood to you. You quickly grabbed his hand before turning to start towards the barn.ย
But before you could even move more than a few steps, a pair of headlights seemingly came out of nowhere to your right. A red truck screeched to a halt just as a man, clouded by the fog, stuck his head out and shouted, โGet in!โย
โWhat?โ you screamed over the wind.ย
He motioned with his thumb towards his truck. โGet. In!โ he emphasized. โNow!โ
Before you could hesitate or question anything, instincts kicked in. You shoved your little brother towards the man and his truck. The man had already hopped out and was opening the back door. Once you reached him, he grabbed your brother first. With ease, he lifted him into the truck.ย
โBuckle upโโ he instructed. โSee that harness strap? Put that onโโ Next he turned to you, โI got gear in the seat back here, itโll take too long to moveโ youโll have to go up front.โ
You nodded before hurrying to the passenger side of his truck. Without hesitating, you hoisted open the doorโ a task that proved to be increasingly challenging based on the wind speeds. It was like the door was suctioned to the body. You gave it a few good pulls, using all your strength, but it wouldnโt open.ย
You glanced at your brother through the back window and saw his eyes grow wide. He screamed your name before banging on the windowโ reaching for you.ย
โItโs okay!โ you cried. โIโm okay!โ Although you werenโt sure how true that would be a few moments from now.ย
โShit,โ you said to yourself, jostling the handle. โShit, shit, shitโโ
โItโs okay,โ you heard a voice call. The man had turned the corner of the truck bed and was reaching for the door. With one strong pull, he hoisted it open. โThere we go, letโs get ya insideโโย
You reached up, grabbing the handle on the door while stepping up. You felt a hand on your back give you a gentle nudge as you hoisted yourself the rest of the way inside. Once you were positioned in the seat with the door closed, you watched through the windshield as the man jogged lightly around his car with ease and climbed into the driverโs seat.ย
โHarnessโโ the man said, pointing towards the straps behind you before slamming his door shut.ย
Quickly, you shrugged them over your shoulders and fastened the buckle.ย
โI canโtโโ you heard your brother say from behind you. When you turned in your seat, you saw that he still wasnโt buckledโ his straps were tangled.ย
You moved your hands to your own straps to undo them, but were stopped by the man. โI got him, you stay buckled,โ he said before turning to extend his torso into the backseat. โHere we go, buddy,โ he said gently. You marveled how, even with a tornado barreling towards you all, the man could remain so gentle and calm. The way he talked to your brother wasโฆ well, you couldn't quite find the words for what it was, but you appreciated it. You made a mental note to thank the man for it if you made it out of this alive.ย
โI canโt do itโโ you could hear the panic in your brotherโs voice.ย
โItโs okay,โ the man said. โI got you. Iโm gonna help. Everythingโs okay.โย
โThe tornado is right there!โ he screamed, fear and anguish building in your brotherโs throat.ย
โTry to stay calm,โ you said. โWeโre okayโโ
โWeโre NOT okay!โย
โIt looks closer than it is,โ the man soothed. โLook at my faceโ do I look scared? So thereโs no need for you to be scaredโ I got you, see? Harness is done. Youโre all strapped in. Nothinโs gonna get ya.โ
Swiftly, the man spun back in his seat, did up his own harness in a few seconds, and then pressed a giant, red button on a stick shift near the center console of his truck. You heard a loud soundโ like gears shifting, above the whipping winds outside. And then he leaned back in his seat, checking on the storm in the rearview mirror.ย
โAre you going to drive?โ you asked him, turning to get a look at him for the first time. He had a baseball cap resting backwards on his head and a button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He was handsome, you realized.ย
The muscles of his forearms flexed as he reached for the wheel. But instead of driving anywhere, he shook his head.ย ย
โWhat?โ you gasped. โItโs coming right for usโโ
โI knowโ we canโt outrun it,โ he explained. โSo we just have to let it pass. Hang on, weโll be okay.โ
โI thought a vehicle was one of the worst places to be in a tornadoโโย
โIt is,โ he replied simply, only making your panic increase. โBut weโll be alright. Trust me.โย
You were about to argue, but before you knew it, he shouted, โHang on!โ โ Just as the cloud funnel consumed you.ย
The next seconds or minutes or hours passed in a terrifying blur. With your eyes squeezed shut and hands held over your ears, you still heard everything. You heard winds whipping against the truck, causing it to rock back and forth. You heard your brother scream from the backseat, feeling helpless because there was nothing you could do to help comfort him. You heard the slamming sound of debrisโ trees, fences, and whatever the hell else as it crashed into you and everything around you. You heard the ringing in your earโ like it was all too much to bearโฆ All the while wondering which blow would be the one to kill you.ย
And then suddenly, you heard nothing at all. You remained frozen in place for a moment longer, in case this silence was a fluke. But then slowly, things came back into focus. You lowered your arms and opened your eyes to see the man leaned over in his seat, harness already unbuckled, while he gazed at you.ย
Although laced with concern, his eyes were the prettiest shade of green youโd ever seen. He really was handsomeโ almost shockingly so. And now, he was mouthing somethingโ like he was trying to talk to you.ย
Suddenly, his voice came through the fogโ soft and gentle. โAre you okay?โย ย
You nodded slowly without actually knowing if that was the case. Youโd know if you werenโt, right?ย
โHowโโ you said suddenly, turning to look outside. There was debris everywhereโ tree limbs and branches, leaves and chunks of housing.ย
โNothing hurts? Youโre okay?โ
You turned back towards him and did a quick body scanโ checking in on your body before shaking your head a little more confidently. Then you remembered your brother in the backseat. You turned the best that you could with your harness still on, to glance at him.ย
โAre you okay?โ you asked him.ย
โYeah,โ you heard his shaky voice ring out. You exhaled a breath of relief.ย
Careful not to kick you with his boots, the man maneuvered to the backseat with ease.ย
โHey buddy,โ you heard him say. โYou alright back here?โย
โIโm okay.โ
โGoodโ you did great. Mustโve held on real tight. Can I help ya with the harness now?โย
You started grasping at your own harness. Except, when you moved to adjust the buckles, you realized that your hands were shaking too hard to be of any use. No matter how hard you willed them to steady, they wouldnโt.ย
You continued to try until the man hopped out of the truck and came around to your side. He hoisted open the door and placed his hands on top of yoursโ the sudden warmth sending shock waves through your body, causing your head to shoot up.ย ย
You were met by his intense gaze for a second time, a sea of sage green took your breath away. You swallowedโ realizing how dry your mouth suddenly had become. Although the pair of you were complete strangers, the manโs strong jawline flexed as he gazed at you with what looked like worry.ย
โWeโre okay,โ he assured you. โYouโre alright. Can I help with the harness?โย
You gave him a quick nod before dropping your shaky hand from it. When he was finished, you stripped off your harness straps and turned to hop out of the truck. As soon as you did, you saw his outstretched handโ offering to help. You swallowed the lump in your throat and took it, not trusting yourself or your unsteady legs. As soon as your feet were back on the ground, you released his hand and turned towards your brother.ย
โAre you okay?โ you asked for a second time, a sob prickling the back of your throat. As soon as he nodded yes, you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, tugging him against you. Even at twelve years old, he was almost taller than you.ย
โGod, Iโm so sorryโโ you said.ย
โWhat were you guys doing out here?โ the man suddenly asked. He stood with his hip popped slightly, his hands resting on the waistband of his jeans. โTheyโve been announcing this storm since this morninโ.โ His voice wasnโt accusatory, just generally curious.ย
Keeping your arm around your brotherโs shoulders, you turned to face him. โWeโre not from here,โ you explained. โWe were just driving throughโ we didnโt know it was coming.โ
He nodded. โThey can sneak up on ya sometimes. Where are yโall from?โ
โNew Hampshire,โ you said.ย
The man let out a low whistle. โYouโre a long way from home.โย
โWe were driving my dadโs,โ your brother piped in. โHe lives in Texas.โ
โI shouldโve paid more attention to the weather,โ you admitted, shaking your head. โIt was stupid. But thank youโฆโ your voice trailed off, realizing you didnโt know the manโs name.ย
โTyler,โ he replied, extending his hand for a second time, this time for you to shake.ย
โTyler,โ you repeated. โThank you Tyler, for saving us.โ You quickly introduced yourself before turning and introducing your brother.ย
โHang on. What were you doing out here if theyโd been talking about the storm all morning?โ your brother asked bluntly.ย
Just as you were about to give him a look that said donโt question strangers who save our lives, Tyler smiled, flashing his white teeth. โI was chasinโ her,โ he said, nodding towards the tornado still spinning in the distance.ย
โYou chase tornadoes?โ your brother exclaimed.ย
Tylerโs grin got wider. โSure do. Thatโs why my truck didnโt blow away. I got extra precautions.โ Then, like he could see the eagerness in your brotherโs face, he smirked. โWanna see?โย
Your brother nodded before breaking away from your embrace and racing back towards the truckโ like heโd already forgotten about the tornado that almost killed you both.ย
โThat alright with you?โ Tyler asked.ย
You nodded, head still foggy and body still trembling. โYeah,โ you said. โYeah, thatโs fine.โ
โYou sure youโre okay?โ he asked, eyeing your shaky hands.ย
โOhโ yeah,โ you said. โJust nervesโฆ We donโt get many tornadoes up in New Hampshire, and we sure as hell donโt chase them.โ
โYou did good,โ Tyler told you. โYou stayed calmโ kept him calm.โ
โThanks,โ you said shyly, feeling stupid that this strangerโs compliment actually meant something to you. Then, you motioned with your thumb over your shoulder. โIโm gonna go check out my carโ see how bad it is.โ
With that, you left your brother with Tyler, and turned the corner of the hood of his truck, tracing your steps back to where youโd initially abandoned your car. As soon as you entered the clearing, you wished you hadnโt. There, amongst the piles of debris and chaos, was your SUV laying on its sideโ the front windshield completely smashed, both airbags deployed, and the doors caved in.ย
โShit,โ you muttered, unable to help the tears forming in your eyes. You were grateful for your brotherโs safety, but you knew you couldnโt drive your car like thisโย
You took a few steadying breaths, reminding yourself that completely falling apart wasnโt going to be helpful. And, despite the part of you trying to avoid this, you knew that youโd have to call your parents.
You turned back towards Tylerโs truck and saw him and your brother laying on the groundโ looking at something underneath the bed. Thatโs when you noticed two, gigantic-looking screws secured into the ground. That must have been the button Tyler pushed right before the tornado had engulfed you.ย
Your brother looked content for the time being, so you pulled out your phone and dialed your mom first.ย
She answered after only a couple of rings.ย
โHi honey, how are things going?โ
โHi Mom,โ you said, voice already shaking. โDonโt panic okay? Weโre both alrightโโ
โWhat happened?โ she said urgently, clearly doing the opposite of what youโd requested.ย
You sighedโ might as well just come right out and say it. โWeโre in Oklahoma, and a tornado just hitโ like literally hit us.โ
โWhat?โ she gasped. You could already imagine her sitting up from her recliner, tossing her ball of yarn or whatever she was using to the side.ย
โYeahโ Some guy came and helped us. We were able to wait it outโฆโ you paused, like you still couldnโt entirely believe what had just happened to you. โBut I canโt drive my car.โ
โOh my God,โ she breathed. โAre you sure youโre alright? Whereโs your brother?โ
โWeโre fine, Mom. The guy who helped us is still hereโ heโs showing him stuff in his truck to keep him busy.โ
โWho is this guy?โ
โJust some localโ we got lucky, he knew exactly what to do.โ
You heard her exhale a sharp breath.ย
โMom, I donโt know what to doโ Weโre stranded here.โ
โOh, honey,โ she sighed. โI should have never let you take him in a car. You should have just flown. Gosh, you both couldโve been killed.โ
The pool of guilt grew larger inside your chest.ย
โI knowโโ you said, feeling defeated. Because she was rightโ what the hell were you thinking?
After a moment of silence, she sighed. โIโm so glad youโre alright. Why donโt you call your fatherโ see how far he is? Maybe he can come and pick you up. If he canโt, call me back and weโll figure something out..โ
โOkay,โ you said, voice thick with the tears you were trying not to shed.ย
โI love you,โ she assured you.ย
โLove you, too. Iโll talk to you later.โ
With that, you hung up the phone, just as a few tears splashed down your cheeks.ย
After wiping them away, you glanced back towards Tyler and your brother. Tyler was helping your brother into the truck bed, where he had a bunch of gear strapped down. Your brother had a look of pure excitement plastered on his face as he looked around. You were far enough away so that you couldnโt make out what they were saying, but you could see your brotherโs lips moving rapidly, totally skipping the shy-stage he normally went through when he met new people.ย
Like he could tell you were staring, Tyler looked up and caught your eye. Even from this distance, you saw the way his lips curled into a smile that made something in your stomach flutter. He gave you a quick wave before turning his attention back towards your brother.ย
Realizing your brother was in seemingly good hands, you knew you couldnโt stall calling your dad any longer. So, you pulled up his contact and dialed, preparing to give the same explanation to him as you did your mom.ย
โHey kiddo!โ He answered. โHowโs the road trip going?โ
You were nearly twenty-eight years old, but your dad still answered the phone the same way he did when you were ten.ย
โHey dad,โ you said. To your dismay, no matter how hard you fought it, your voice still cracked.ย
โEverything okay?โ he asked, instantly picking up on the fact that something was wrong.ย
You bit your lip, fighting back tears. When you felt composed enough, you spoke. โNo,โ you admitted. โWeโre in Oklahoma, and we got hit by a tornado while we were drivingโ Weโre both safe, but my car is totaledโ I canโt drive it.โย
โOh my God, what?โ he gasped.ย
โI donโt know what happenedโ it was all so fast. I couldnโt outrun itโ I tried. But there wasnโt anything we could doโ it was moving so quickly andโโ
โOkay, breathe,โ your dad interrupted, his voice calm.ย
You were breathing, werenโt you? Except, when you went to inhale, you realized that no, you were not. You sucked in a breath before letting out a choppy exhale.ย
โGoodโ everythingโs going to be okay. Itโs just a car. They can be replaced. Youโre safe, your brother is safeโ thatโs whatโs important.โย
โWeโre strandedโ in the middle of nowhere.โย
โWell thatโs all of Oklahoma, honey. Do you know what town youโre in?โย
โNo, but I can find out,โ you said shakily. After wiping your wet cheeks the best you could, you made your way back towards the truck.ย
โTyler,โ you said, catching his attention. โWhat town are we in? My dad wants to know.โ
โYouโre talking to Dad?โ your brother piped in. โTell him I said hi.โ
โWeโre near Stillwater,โ Tyler replied.ย
You repeated it back to your dad.ย
โOkay, whoโs there helping you?โ
โUh this guyโโ you said, turning away before Tyler could overhear. โHe saved us.โย
โWell Iโm glad to hear that. Sounds like he was in the right place at the right time. Stillwater is about six hours north of me. How about I put you guys up in a hotel for a night then I come and get you tomorrow and we can figure everything else out?โย
โHotels are a lotโฆ you donโt have to do that.โ
โI know, but itโs going to get dark before too long, and I donโt want to be driving late. I just want you both safe until then. Why donโt you see if that guy who helped you knows a place?โ
โYeah, okay,โ you said, pulling the phone back again. โHey Tyler?โ you turned to see him in the same spotโ still showing your brother various gadgets and gear. โDo you know of any hotels or anything nearby? I canโt drive my carโ and our dad canโt get us until tomorrow.โ
Tyler sucked in a breath of air. โYikes, there ainโt much around here. Unless you want to bunk at the motel off Broadway street. I think itโs up to a 1.8 star review on Yelp, but last I knew they had a cockroach problem.โ
You grimaced. โWhat about buses or anything that we could take to Austin?โ
โYou know,โ Tyler began, eyes flickering into the distance before looking back at you. โI got a big oleโ farm house not too far from here with a couple of extra bedrooms. Why donโt you both just stay the night and your dad can get you from there in the morninโ?โ
You immediately began shaking your head. โNoโโ
But your dadโs voice on the phone caught you off guard. โLet me talk to him.โ
โDadโโ you protested.ย
But he insisted.ย
So, begrudgingly, that was how you found yourself passing your cell phone to Tyler.ย
Tylerโs eyebrow raised gently at the gesture.ย
โHe wants to talk to you,โ you explained.ย
Tyler pointed to himself, as if he was questioning if you meant your brother instead. โMe?โ
You nodded.ย
Tyler reached his arm out skeptically, taking your phone, then pressed it to his ear. โUh, hello?โย
You couldnโt hear your fatherโs voice on the other endโ just mumbling.ย
โYes sirโ No, thatโs not necessary, I was happy to do itโโ There was a brief pause. โYes sir. Cockroaches yeah, you heard that right. I do. Right in town actually. Itโs not a problem, I have the spaceโโ Another pause. โOf course, I can send my contact info, and the address.โ
You shut your eyesโ as if your father was coordinating a sleepover at Tylerโs right now. Itโs not like you werenโt grateful for his offer, but you felt like heโd already helped too much. First he saved your lives, now he offers shelter?
โAlright. Alright, you too. Take care.โ
With that, Tyler passed you your phone back.ย
โGo with him,โ your dad said, as soon as you held it back against your ear.ย ย
โDadโโย
โItโs one night,โ he insisted. โItโs either him or the cockroaches.โ
โฆ
Less than thirty minutes later, Tyler was pulling his truck down a long, dirt driveway. Positioned at the end of it, set back with the setting sun as a backdrop, was an old, white farmhouse with a wrap around porch and blue shutters.ย
โYou live here?โ you asked in awe.ย
Tyler smiled. โBeen in my family for a long time.โ
โItโs beautiful,โ you said, eyes now scanning the amount of land he had. There was a wheat field to the right, and to the left was a sturdy-looking barn with an exterior that matched the house.ย
โTechnically it belongs to my aunt. But sheโs living it up in Tulsa right now, so I stay hereโ maintain the place for her. Itโll be mine one day.โ
โDo you have horses?โ your brother asked from the backseat.ย
Tylerโs grin stretched the length of his face. โSure do. Letโs get you guys cleaned up and fed, then we can see them later.โ
Tyler unloaded the suitcases youโd recovered from your SUV and carried them inside for you, despite your protests. You were quickly learning that Tyler was a gentlemanโ always holding doors and offering his hand to help. Each time he went out of his way to help you, it caused strange feelings to stir up inside of youโ ones that you had no business feeling about a man youโd just met.ย
The interior of the farmhouse was just as beautiful as the outside. Tyler showed you around the first floor, pointing out the kitchen, bathroom, and living room before walking your luggage up the stairs to where the bedrooms and second bathroom were.ย
โBoth rooms have double bedsโ thereโs only a shower, itโs in the bathroom up here. But feel free to use it. Towels and washcloths are in that closet thereโ extra blankets are in the chests at the end of the beds.โ
โThank you,โ you said again, finally taking your luggage from him. โThis isโฆโ you shook your head. โYouโve been really kind, thank you.โ
โMy pleasureโ only the best for my first New Hampshire guests,โ he said cheekily. Then, Tyler clasped his hands together. โAlright, well Iโll leave you guys to it. Come on down whenever youโre ready, Iโll whip up something to eat. Yโall like burgers?โ
Your brotherโs face lit up. โLove them!โย
โSounds great,โ you replied.ย
โCouplaโ burgers cominโ right up then,โ Tyler smirked.
โHeโs so cool,โ your brother muttered before grabbing his bag and heading off to claim a bedroom.ย
Cool was one word for him, you thought.ย
โฆ
You took longer in the shower than expected. Probably because every time you closed your eyes to rinse the shampoo out of your hair, all you could see was that goddamn tornado barreling towards you. Each and every time, it made your entire body lurchโ causing you to snap open your eyes with a sense of urgency.ย
Even though you were just showeringโ it felt like you were outside runningโฆ your breath was choppy and your heart was racing just standing there.ย
You forced yourself to unclench your jaw, worried that your molars were going to crack with how tense you were. Eventually, you gave up and decided to just keep your eyes open while you rinsed your hair out.ย
When you were finished, you threw on a pair of sweats and an old T-shirt from your suitcase before heading downstairs to join your brother and Tyler. You could smell the burgers before you even got to the kitchen, making your mouth water.ย
โThereโs New Hampshire,โ Tyler grinned, seemingly proud of the nickname heโd given you. He was behind the island, setting a steaming pot down on a cooling plate next to a few empty plates stacked on top of each other.ย ย
Your brother sat on a stool at the islandโ his hair still damp from his own shower, nibbling on a piece of plain white bread while he watched Tyler maneuver around the kitchen.ย
โDo you need any help?โ you asked. As soon as you spoke, you could hear the shakiness in your tone. Youโd been trying to ignore how tight your chest still felt, but youโd have to do better at hiding it if you wanted to evade detection.ย
You didnโt miss the way his eyes lingered on you for a moment before Tyler shook his head. โNah, Iโm almost done. I got burgers on the grill, some corn, and leftover pasta salad from my momโ you gotta try it.โย
He handed you and your brother each an empty plate before taking the lid off the corn pot.ย
โIโll go grab the burgers, but help yourself.โ
With that, he was disappearing out the back door.ย
โHowโre you doing?โ you asked your brother once you were alone.ย
โHungry,โ he said as he piled a mound of pasta salad on his plate.ย
You reached over and ran your hands through his hair before shaking his head lightly. โI donโt mean thatโ I mean howโre you doing after everything today? That was a lot.โย
Or at least it had been for youโฆย
Your brother shrugged. โIt was scary, but Iโm okay now. Statistically speaking tornadoes never strike the same place twice. So that oneโs gone for good. And Tyler said the likelihood of another one hitting the area is extremely low.โ
โThatโs right,โ Tyler said, as he reentered the kitchen with a plate stacked full of burgers.ย
You watched him move through the kitchen with ease, pleasantly surprised by the fact that heโd obviously helped to reassure your brother.ย
โYou want one or two burgers?โ Tyler asked him.ย
Your brother held up two fingers with one hand and his plate with the other.ย
โWhat do you say?โ you mumbled, nudging him in the side.ย
โPlease,โ he said, flashing his teeth.
โYou got it,โ Tyler chuckled.ย
With a full plate, your brother headed for the dining room, leaving you and Tyler alone in the kitchen.ย
โHow are you doing?โ Tyler asked as he passed you the plate of burgers.ย
โMe?โ you said, trying your best to sound casual. Apparently you were the only one even remotely freaked out by the fact that a tornado had almost killed all of you today. โOh, Iโm alright. Much better after showeringโ thank you again.โ
โYou gotta stop thanking me, really itโs not a problem. I wouldnโt have offered if it was,โย How are you really doing though?โ
You glanced up, surprised to see Tylerโs concerned gaze fixated on you. Heโd ditched the baseball hat, allowing you to see his sandy brown hair for the first time. It was slightly disheveled, but so soft. The way it was pushed back from his face made it look like Tyler had been running his fingers through itโ a sight you wouldnโt mind seeing.ย
Quickly, you averted your gaze back to your plate. โIโm fine.โ
โReally?โ he challenged you. โBecause itโs okay not to be okay after getting hit by a tornadoโ especially for the first time.โ
It was like he could sense how anxious you really wereโ like one of those emotional support animals. Or maybe you just didnโt have the poker face you thought you did.
โI was just worried for my brother,โ you said, taking a spoonful of pasta salad. โBut it seems like you managed to calm his nerves.โ
โYeah, well, kids are all the same. They just need reassurance. They wanna feel safe.โ
Now was your chance to poke a little deeperโ to shift the conversation off from you, but also to learn something about Tyler. โDo you have kids?โ you asked, trying to make the question sound casual.ย
โNo,โ he answered quickly. โGot a niece and a nephew though. They live in Texas, so I donโt get to see them as much as Iโd like. Do you?โ Tyler asked, glancing over. When he caught your confused expression, he added, โHave kids?โ
โOh, no,โ you said, shaking your head. โGod, no. You saw what happened todayโ I have my brother for less than two weeks and I almost got him killed. Imagine if I had an actual child?โ
โYou didnโt almost get him killed,โ Tyler refuted. โYou had no way of knowing that thing was cominโ.โ
โYou knew it was coming,โ you challenged.ย
Tyler shrugged. โWell thatโs โcause Iโm a professional.โ
โI didnโt know you could be a professional tornado-chaser,โ you said teasingly, finally picking up your plate to head to the table.ย
Tyler followed close behind, choosing a seat across from you and your brother. โI prefer the name tornado wrangler, myself.โ
โTornado wrangler?โ you repeated skeptically.ย
โThatโs right,โ he smirked, a hint of playfulness in his tone.ย
โYouโre such a badass,โ your brother said between bites. He was already halfway done his food. You felt another pang of guiltโ he really was hungry.ย ย
โSo what does a tornado wrangler do exactly?โ you asked.ย
Tyler chewed his food for a moment before answering. โWell, we have a YouTube channel. And we livestream videos of us headinโ into storms. We offer our viewers a close look at the tornadoesโ a view most of them will never see in real life.โ
โWe? You mean thereโs more than just one of you crazy enough to chase those things?โ
Tylerโs face was full-on beaming now, and you could tell just how passionate he really was about all of this. Even if it scared the absolute shit out of youโ you loved to hear him talk about it.ย
โI got a whole teamโ thereโs Boone, heโs my buddy behind the camera, he takes care of the livestream and the editing when we need it. Then I got Lilly, she operates our drone. That helps give us alternative coverage and vantage points when we need it. Dexter and Dani both help with storm trackingโ but Dani also helps fix the gear and stuff when we need it.โ
โWhatโs the scariest tornado youโve ever seen?โ your brother asked, pieces of burger flying out of his mouth while he spoke.ย
โChew your food before talking,โ you said under your breath.ย
โSorry,โ he mumbled.
Tyler let out a soft chuckle, his eyes flickering to yours before turning back to your brother. โI think the scariest tornado Iโve ever seen was when I was about your ageโ My mom and I got caught up in an EF 4 while we were drivinโ. It picked us right upโ dropped us in a field about half a mile away.โ
โEF 4?โ you asked cluelessly.ย
โItโs the Enhanced Fujita Scale,โ your brother replied. โIt measures the tornado's speed and estimated damage.โ
โThatโs right,โ Tyler smiled, like he was proud of your brother for knowing. โThey measure on a scale of 0-5.โ
โWhat was the one that hit us today?โ you asked warily.ย
โToday was an EF1,โ Tyler answered.ย
All the blood drained from your face. โA one?โ you gaped.ย
In the midst of taking a bite of corn, he nodded.ย
โYouโre telling me that thing could have been worse?โ
The corner of Tylerโs lip twitched upwards. โA lot worse,โ he said grimly. โThatโs why it was safe to stay in my truck. We drive her into zeroโs and oneโs all the time, she handles a two pretty good. Even managed a three once.โ
โShit,โ you muttered under your breath.ย
The rest of the evening consisted of your brother bombarding Tyler with questions about his jobโ how many tornadoes had he seen? What was an EF5 like? Had he ever seen a cow fly through the air like in the movies?ย
But you had a hard time listening after a whileโ each additional fact you learned about tornadoes made your skin crawl. Your heart rate had picked up againโ similar to how it was in the shower. It was taking all of your energy to just appear normal while you picked at the remaining food on your plate.ย
Why would anyone willing chase one of those things? What you witnessed today was one of the smallest possible tornadoesโ and it was still terrifying. You couldnโt imagine if youโd been out there faced by something worse.ย
Their conversation eventually became muffled background noise, something that nestled in the back of your mind while you tried to focus on your breath and willed yourself not to shake.
That is, until you feel something boney jab in your side, making everything come back into focus again.ย
โWhat?โ you asked, turning cluelessly towards your brother.ย
โTyler asked if you were done,โ he said, nodding towards your plate.ย
โOhโโ you said, embarrassed. Thatโs when you noticed Tyler was now standing, arm extended like he was reaching for your dish. โYeahโ yeah, Iโm done.โย
He moved to collect your plate for you but you stopped him. โNo, Iโll get theseโ you guys talk.โย
โYou sure?โ he asked warily.ย
โYeah, Iโm sureโ You cook and house us, I can do some dishes.โ
With a brief, unconvincing smile, you quickly gathered as much as you could in your arms and fled into the kitchen for some space.ย
What the hell was wrong with you? It was like you couldnโt catch your breath, no matter how hard you tried.ย
As you scrubbed at the dishes, arms extended under warm water, you tried desperately to get it together. No one had diedโ no one had even gotten hurt. Plus, like Tyler had told your brotherโ the probability of this happening again was incredibly slim. So why couldnโt you stop feeling like that EF1 was consuming you?ย
By the time you were finished with the dishes, your hands were shaking so bad, you could barely set them on the drying rack. So, you snapped off the water and leaned against the counter, gripping the lip of it tightly and taking some deep breaths. Vaguely, you heard your little brotherโs laughter from the other room. You latched onto the sound and tried to let it soothe you.ย
Everyone was okay.ย
Heโs laughingโ heโs having fun. Youโre all okay.ย
After his laughter stills, you hear the sound of chair legs sliding across the floor. โIโm gonna go grab some water, you want any dessert, big guy? I got ice cream.โย
โNo thanks, Iโm full from the burgers.โ
Tyler chuckled. โAlright, be right back.โ
Quickly, you swallowed the lump in your throat and started putting the condiments away, trying to look as normal as possible before Tyler approached.ย
โThanks for doing all of those,โ Tyler said once he got to the kitchen. โYou didnโt have to do that.โ
โOh, itโs the least I could do,โ you said, turning to face him.ย
โMy mom would kill me if she knew I let my guest do the dishes.โ
โMy mom would kill me if she knew I let someone save, cook, and house me without me doing the dishes.โ
Tyler grinned. โFair enough, New Hampshire.โย
โYou keep calling me that,โ you said. โBut I donโt actually live in New Hampshire, you know?โย
Tylerโs eyebrow curled up in an expression that said tell me more.ย
โMy mom and brother live there. I used to live there. But now I have an apartment in Boston, been there since college.โ
โBoston?โ Tyler repeated. โAh, so youโre like a nine-to-five city girl.โ
You frowned. โNot anymore,โ you admitted. โIt was killing me. Especially in the winterโ you go to work before the sunโs up, and youโre out after it sets. I couldnโt do it anymore, so I recently quit.โ
โWhatโre you gonna do now?โ he inquired.ย
You shrugged. โIโm trying to figure that out. Probably move somewhere with less concrete, and hopefully find a job that lets me out before the sun sets.โ
Tyler set his glass of water on the kitchen island. โSo what youโre saying is I canโt call you New Hampshire or Boston?โย
โYou got a problem with just using peopleโs names?โย
Tyler shrugged. โI like nicknames. Shows that someoneโs special to ya.โ
You felt like your feet had been knocked out from underneath you. You cleared your throat before looking away, heat rushing to your cheeks.ย
โYou know, I donโt mean to pry,โ Tyler said, changing the subject. โBut are you sure youโre alright?โย
โIโm fine,โ you said quickly.ย
โI justโ at dinner you seemed a little zoned out.โ
โIโm just tired,โ you lied.ย
Tyler paused, eyes scanning you sincerely. His gaze felt like it could set you on fireโ like every inch of your skin was set ablaze. Ultimately, he decided to back off. โOkay then,โ he said. โIโll finish up here, why donโt you guys get settled for bed? Itโs been a long day.โย
โOkayโ yeah, thatโs a good idea.โ
Pushing off the counter, you brushed past him, pausing only when you got to the doorframe.ย
โTyler?โย
He spun around quickly.ย
โI know you said to stop thanking you but seriouslyโฆ Thank you. For everything.โย
His lips curled upwards in a smile that didnโt reach his eyes the way youโd already learned you liked. He gave a curt nod. โIโm happy to do it, New Hampshire,โ he said, sticking with his original nickname.ย
You made your way upstairs to bed with your little brother and a stupid smile plastered on your face.ย
โฆ
โWe have to move!โ you shouted, hoping your brother could hear you above the wind.ย
But instead of reacting or doing anything at all, he just stood thereโ his back towards you while he stared at the swirling clouds in the distance.ย
โHey!โ you screamed. โWe gotta go!โย
You took a step forwardโ but werenโt any closer to him.ย
Frowning, you took another stepโ then another. But the distance remained the same. Screaming his name, you pleaded with him to turn around. If he didnโt move, you were both going to dieโ the tornado had touched down. It was barrelling right for you. It was sucking roofs off houses, and breaking fences into tiny pieces. Debris flew all around at what seemed like a hundred miles per hourโ shards of glass, pieces of plywood. Something was going to hit youโ or worse, your brother.ย
You were running now, trying desperately to reach him. If you could just get there in time, maybe you could grab his arm and pull him away in time.ย
But it was no useโ you were too slow. And the tornado was so fast. Right before your eyesโ you saw your brother get sucked into the funnelโ his entire frame flying up in the air.ย
You screamedโย
He screamed backโ you heard your name echo through the storm.ย
He was calling for youโ begging for you to save him.ย
You screamed louderโย
Then you heard a voice yell. Except, this voice didnโt match your brothersโit was too deep and less familiar. Your body tensed as you were jostled.ย
With force, your eyes finally snapped open, revealing the vaguely familiar room around you. The moonlight poured through the curtain that you forgot to close and revealed Tylerโs worried-looking face peering over her. His green eyes were blown open and wide, his lips slightly parted as his gaze raked over the length of you.ย
โTylerโโ you croaked.ย
โThere you are,โ he exhaled. โYouโre okay, youโre at my houseโ youโre safe.โ
You opened your mouth, instantly trying to think of a way to brush this whole thing offโ maybe make a joke or something to ease the tension. But instead of finding words, a choppy, uneven huff of air poured out of you. You tried again, but this time all you could do was desperately gaspโ like you couldnโt get enough air in your lungs.ย
โHey, hey, hey,โ Tyler said. You felt the bed dip as he sat down beside you. Without even thinking, you reached out for himโ fingers clasping onto the fabric of his white t-shirt. He placed his hands on top of yours and gave them a gentle, reassuring squeeze.ย
โBaby, youโre okay,โ he said. If you could breathe, you might have melted at the pet name he gave you. Instead, your wild eyes searched his desperately.ย โI got you. Breathe with meโ look.โ Tyler took a couple of deep breaths, exaggerating the act so that youโd copy him. You tried, but ended up just choking harder.ย
โJust do it with me.โย
With an intense amount of concentration, you were finally able to latch onto the sound of Tyler breathing. In, hold, out. In, hold, out.ย
โThere you go,โ he soothed. โYou got it.โ
Youโre not sure how long the two of you stayed like thatโ but eventually, your breathing returned to normal.ย
Thatโs when the embarrassment kicked in. Because how utterly mortifying to be a guest at someoneโs home and to wake them up screaming because of some stupid nightmare.ย
โIโm soโโ
โDonโt even think about apologizing,โ Tyler said gently. โYou got nothing to be sorry for.โ
You opened your mouth to protest, but then realized there was no point. Tyler would just refute whatever you said. So instead, you asked the question that had been burning in your brain since you got to the farm house.ย
โWhy am I so affected by this and no one else is? Whatโs wrong with me?โ
โNothingโs wrong with you,โ Tyler assured you instantly. โIn fact, youโre probably the only normal one in this houseโ most people get freaked out after beinโ near a tornado, much less in the middle of one. I have this weird thing goinโ on where I just feel more alive if my lifeโs in danger, and no offense but I think your brotherโs brain might be wired a little differently than most.โ
You let out a genuine laughโ the first of the night. โHeโs on the spectrum,โ you explained. โYouโre really good with him, you know? Most people just think heโs odd and ignore him. But not youโ you actually talk to him.โย
Tyler smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he did. โHeโs a good kid.โย
You nodded in agreement. โYou know he didnโt even want to come on this road trip with me? He wanted to fly to my dadโsโ but I talked him into it. Iโve felt so lost since quitting my job and I needed a distraction. I used my little brother as a distraction.โ
โWanting to spend time with someone doesnโt mean youโre using them. It seems like heโs having a good time,โ Tyler said. โHe told me all about the Titanic museum you took him to in Nashville.โย
You chuckled. โHe loves disasters. Itโs kind of his thing. Thatโs why he knows so much about tornadoesโโ
โAnd today he got to see oneโ up close. I bet heโll tell that story for the rest of his life.โ
โThe story about how his older sister almost got him killed,โ you said, head hanging with shame.ย
โThe story of how his big sister stayed so incredibly calm, even though she was terrifiedโ just so that she could make sure he was okay. The big sister who kept him safe even though they got caught in a tornado.โย
You glanced up towards Tyler to see him looking at you with what looked like yearning in his expression. You wanted to just lean forward and wrap your arms around his neckโ let him hold you and comfort you and tell you that everything was going to be alright. You couldnโt know for sure but he just looked like he gave the best hugs. Instead though, you tried to come to your senses. You blinked harshly, and glanced down at the blankets pooled in your lap.ย
โI hate being afraid,โ you admitted. โI know itโs normalโ and it keeps us safe. But it makes me feel weak.โ
โI get it,๏ฟฝ๏ฟฝ๏ฟฝ Tyler replied. โThatโs why I started the channel. I was sick of being afraid of โem, so I decided to chase โem instead.โ
โYeah, well maybe Iโll have to tag along with your team on the next one,โ you joked.ย
Tylerโs face lit up. โYou could, you know. We go all the timeโ and itโs tornado season in Oklahoma so we probably wouldn't have to wait that long to find one.โ
He couldnโt possibly be seriousโ but the look on his face told you that he was.ย
โMy dadโs getting us tomorrow,โ you reminded him.ย
All the excitement on Tylerโs face fellโ making something inside of you fall with it. โRight,โ he said, shaking his head. โOf course, yeah.โย
โBut maybe Iโll tune into your channel,โ you offered, hoping to get even a hint of that excitement back. You hated seeing him disappointed.ย
Tyler smiled, โYou better,โ he teased, nudging your leg through the blanket. โHey, I donโt know about you, but Iโm probably not going to get much sleep tonight. You want some tea or somethinโ?โ
You couldnโt help but nodโ it was hard to say no to him.ย
โฆ
You and Tyler ended up talking through most of the night. The more you talked, the more you realized he was someone you could really see yourself falling for. He made you laughโ and not the fake kind you did to avoid hurting someoneโs feelings, either. On several occasions, he had you curled over, shaking with laughter because of something he said. And he was a good listenerโ always asking follow-up questions or inquiring more.ย
Before you knew it, six entire hours had passed and the sun was rising on the east side of the barn, shining golden light through the gaps in the curtains.ย ย
You had found yourself curled up in the living room, back pressed against the arm of the couch and facing Tyler. He shifted in his seat, and, without thinking, you tucked your feet underneath his thigh, causing him to hiss.ย
โYour feet are freezing,โ he gasped playfully, but he didn't pull away.ย ย
You laughed in response, digging them further underneath his legs.ย ย
โI can feel them through my pants,โ he said, laughing with you.ย ย
โItโs morning,โ you observed, unable to believe that you spent an entire night talking to him.ย
He bit his lip and nodded. โTime flies.โ He chuckled lightly before standing up from the couch, leaving your feet feeling cold again, and walking into the adjoined kitchen. You followed him awkwardly, just a step or two behind. You watch as he retrieved two mugs from a tall cabinet and placed them on the countertop.ย ย ย ย
โCoffee?โ he asked, nonchalantly, holding the cup up as an offering.ย ย
You sighed a breath of relief at the thought of coffeeโ especially after only an hour or two of sleep. โYes. Please.โย
Tyler rummaged around the kitchen for a few minutes, putting the coffee on before peering into the fridge. He pulled some items out, placing them gently on the counter behind him. His back was turned towards you for the most part, and you couldnโt help but watch him as he moved. It was a nice view, you thought.ย ย
ย โDo you like eggs?โ Tylerโs words interrupted your staring. โI have some bacon, too.โ
โYouโre making breakfast?โ You asked, your tone sounding sharper than intended through your disbelief. First saving your life, then dinner, then a place to sleep, then comforting you during a nightmare, now breakfastโฆย
Tyler nodded, โIโm a breakfast guy. Unless youโre not hungry,โ he said, backtracking quickly. โI just thoughtโโย
You could sense the panic in his voice, almost as if he was just as nervous as you. You quickly spoke up to reassure him. โNo- I love breakfast. I just wasnโt expecting any, is all.โ
Tyler subtly exhaled a breath of relief. โYeah well, be sure to give me a five star review. Iโm competing with the cockroach motel for business. Scrambled okay?โ he asked, motioning towards the eggs.ย
You nodded before taking a seat at the island.ย
Tyler continued to work with his back to you, arms moving a bit as he scrambled the eggs that were cooking in the pan. When he was finished, he pulled out three plates and portioned some into each. Then he moved to throw the toast and sausage heโd also made on top.ย
Because your brother wasnโt up yet, Tyler set a paper towel over his plate, preserving it for now before traveling to your side of the island and taking a seat right beside you.ย
The two of you ate breakfast, your conversation never faltering. You talked about schoolโ what you studied, who your roommates were. You talked about jobs and familyโ one conversation just naturally progressing to the next.ย
After about half an hour, your brother staggered downstairsโ his hair poking out in all directions informing you that he slept โlike a baby.โ Tyler listened to him talk about his dreamโ something about robots chasing tornadoes. Tyler asked him follow up questions, tooโ like what kind of robots they were and what kind of truck they used to chase the tornadoes.ย
Tyler was kind of beautiful, you found yourself quickly realizing. Not that you hadnโt noticed how attractive he was beforeโ of course you hadโฆ Practically the first moment you laid your eyes on him after your life was in danger. But Tyler smiled this giant smile as he let your brother talk his ear off about stuff you knew he couldnโt possibly care about. But he pretended toโ and his eyes got crinkly and his laugh came straight from his belly.ย
You supposed you could blame your fluttering stomach on the adrenaline still coursing through your system after being attacked by a tornado and then having a panic attack last night. Your skin felt electrified. But you knew that the trauma youโd endured had nothing to do with it. You knew it could only be Tyler that was making you feel this way. And youโd only known the man for about sixteen hours by now, but you couldnโt deny what you already felt for him.ย ย
It felt easy with Tyler. And although you spent the night before pretending you were fineโ you realized that you didnโt have to. He was someone you could just be authentic with.ย
Your dad reached out to you shortly after seven, informing you he was on the road and would be in Stillwater just around noon.ย
You found yourself dreading having to say goodbye to Tyler before the moment even came.ย
In the meantime, he took the time to show your brother the horses, letting him spend as much time with them as he wanted. Then he gave him a full tour of the barnโ chickens and cows alike.ย
You were outside, watching your brother be brave enough to approach one of the horses that Tyler had ensured was friendly when his phone went off beside you.ย ย
Tyler pulled it from his pocket and checked the caller ID before sliding his thumb across the screen.ย
โHey Boone,โ he answered. โNo, I havenโt looked yet. Why? Oh is it? Where?โย
You tried not to eavesdrop, but you really couldnโt help it.ย
โWhat time are they thinking? Yeah, no. Iโm busy until noon. Threeโs perfect. Alrightโ see you then, bye.โ
He slid his phone back in his pocket with ease, his attention falling to you.ย
โAnother tornado?โ you asked, eyebrows raised skeptically.ย
He smirked. โCanโt stop weather, New Hampshire. Inviteโs still there if you wanna tag along.โย
โฆ
Despite how badly you wanted time to stretch on forever, your fatherโs truck rode into the driveway just before after noon.ย
Tyler took all your luggage downstairs and loaded it into the truck while the three of you reunited. You met your dad halfway between his car and the porch, letting him pull you in for a tight hug.ย
โIโm so glad youโre safe,โ he murmured into your hair before reaching for your brother. When he was done embracing you both, he held his hand out towards Tyler.ย
โThank you, son,โ he said genuinely. โFor being there for them.โ
โMy pleasure, sir,โ Tyler replied, shaking his hand firmly.ย
To your surprise, after everything was loaded in the car, your brother ran right up to Tyler and wrapped his arms around his waistโ offering him a hug. Your brother rarely showed affection to those within his familyโ let alone people outside of it. In your eyes, that was further evidence of how special Tyler really was.ย
Tyler hugged him back before ruffling his hair affectionately. โTake care, bud. Thanks for helpinโ me with the horses today. You gonna come back and visit soon?โ
He nodded eagerlyโ to your delight, the pair had exchanged numbers.ย
โAlright cโmon,โ your dad said, ushering your brother to the car and leaving you and Tyler alone.ย
โWhat about you?โ Tyler asked, taking a step closer to you. โAre you gonna come back and visit soon?โย
Your entire insides eruptedโ like molten lava was encasing everything inside of you. You could smell the aftershave heโd splashed on his neck and wanted nothing more than for it to just engulf you entirely. โThat depends,โ you said, standing your ground as he took another step forward.ย
โOn what?โ he asked gently, reaching across the small space between you to tuck a loose strand of your hair behind your ear. It was a simple, yet incredibly intimate action that made your knees feel wobbly.ย
โAre you going to drive me into the middle of a tornado?โ
โI might.โ
You smirked. โWell then, I guess I might come back.โ
โLord help me if you do, New Hampshire.โ
You knew your dad was right behind youโ but you couldnโt help but wish Tyler would kiss you right then and thereโ prove to you that he felt the same things you were feeling. Then maybe you could leave behind your dad and brother and stay a little longer with Tyler. But that was too big of a risk without the confirmation. You looked at him eagerly, willing him to say something.ย
โSo I guess Iโll see ya around,โ he said, making your shoulders fall.ย
It felt so final.ย
โSee ya around,โ you replied, hating to admit how disappointed you actually felt. You offered him one final smile before turning around and jogging back towards your dadโs truck.ย
โฆ
โYouโre an idiot,โ your brother said from the backseat, catching you off guard.ย
โExcuse me?โ you said, turning to face him.ย
โWhy didnโt you stay? I heard Tyler invite you like three times.โ
You frowned. โHe didnโt mean it. He was just being nice.โ
โI donโt think Tyler says things he doesnโt mean,โ he said simply.ย
You heard your dad let out a choked laugh from beside you.ย
โI canโt just stay at Tylerโs houseโโ you said. โThatโs crazy. Weโre going back to Texas.โ
โActually, I already drove six hours today,โ your dad said. โI really donโt want to drive another six, so I was planning on grabbing a hotel. We could just pick you up later,โ he suggested.ย
โOr not,โ your brother piped in.ย
You bit your lipโ and really considered the possibility of taking Tyler up on his offer. But that was crazyโ you barely knew him. What if he didnโt really mean itโ what if he was just trying to be nice?
โI think youโre just afraid,โ your brother said.
โAfraid?โ you said with disbelief. โOf what?โ
โTornadoes, rejection, loveโฆ you name it.โ
God, you hated being afraid.ย
โฆ
Tyler watched as your dadโs truck got smaller as it drove further away. He kicked himself for not trying harder, for not doing more to convince you to stay. He knew he couldnโt force you, and the last thing he wanted to be was too pushy, but damn he wished youโd taken the bait.ย
He couldโve kissed youโ God, he wanted to. But your dadโs gaze was lingering warily and he just couldnโt take the chance. What if you pulled away? What if you were insulted? What if heโd read all these signs totally wrong?
Heโd never felt anything like how he felt around you. And he just knew that the sound of your laugh would hold a spot in his heart forever.ย
But maybe this was how your story was supposed to endโ like a tornado. No matter how badly he wanted it to last forever, eventually they all fizzled out to blue skies.ย
Full of self-pity, Tyler was just about to turn and head back into the house when he saw the brake lights of your dadโs truck turn on. In the distance, he watched as you climbed carefully out of the front seat, hoist open the back door, and haul your luggage out.ย
His heart fluttered at the sight. But when he saw you grab your bag and start jogging back towards him like you had a purpose, he felt like his chest might explode.ย
You wanted to stayโย
With a newfound confidence, Tyler began running towards you, kicking up dirt and rocks as he went.ย
When he reached youโ just past the mailbox in the road, you offered him a small smile.ย
โYou came back,โ he observed.ย
You shrugged your shoulders, slightly out of breath. โI did.โ
โWhy?โ he dared to ask.ย
You paused, like you were really thinking about his question. After a moment, you said, โI think the one thing that scares me more than tornadoes right now is you,โ you admitted to him. โAnd I really hate being afraid.โ
Tyler was pleasantly surprised when you started stepping forward. He matched your efforts and soonโ you were almost chest to chest. He glanced down at you with awe.ย
โSome cocky YouTube star once told me that you should chase your fears,โ you said breathlessly.ย
Tyler couldn't contain the smile that was spreading across his entire face. โHe sounds like a really smart guy, you should introduce meโโ
โWill you shut up and please just kissโโย
Before you could even get the words out, Tyler reacted the way his body wanted him to. Firmly but gently, he cupped your jaw with one hand, the other arm curling around your back.ย
And then, right there on the lone dirt road that always had a way of feeling like home, he kissed you with everything he had.ย
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the cost of a dragon
pairing: addam velaryon x wife!reader
synopsis: addam is covered in cuts and scrapes from falling and running in the forest, and now you must take care of him.
includes: fluff, episode 6 heavy spoilers, probably historically inaccurate w some parts but weโre just gonna Let That Slide, not proofread again oops
wc: 1.3k
a/n: i love him so bad. rn my top 3 tb characters are rhaenyra rhaena and addam. heโs so sweet!! i really hope we get to see a lot more of him in the next few episodes
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Addam is bewildered when he returns to your home, panting, eyes wide and mouth agape. Youโve never seen him like this, but you guess that itโs the dragon laying beside your house thatโs done it.
โWhatโs happened?โ You exclaim when you see the way heโs stumbled in, bleeding from a cut on his cheek.
โโฆThe, the dragon,โ He mumbles, locked hair spilling over his shoulders. Addam walks over to where you stand by the kitchen table, hands gently grasping your forearms, as yours do his, thumbs running over your skin to ground himself. He smells strange, like something otherworldly. Could it have been because of the beast outside your door?
โIt came to me, followed me through the woods by the shore. I think Iโve claimed him. Yes, thatโs what Iโve done. I must go.โ Addam attempts to retract himself from your grip, but to no avail.
The pots and pans inside rattle when the silver creature lay its head on the yard outside, no doubt resting from its flight. โPlease, my love,โ Addam insists. โI need to go and see the queen myself. She is in need of more dragons herself, is she not? If I serve her, perhaps she will allow you and I to live at Dragonstone with her. This is our chance.โ
You shake your head, apron ruffling from the beachโs wind blowing through the window. Addam has always been ambitious, has always wanted the best for you and himself. Heโs fiercely loyal to you, a quality that made you want to marry him in the first place.
โAddam.โ Your hands fly up to cup his cheeks, stopping him from continuing on with his tangent. โYouโre covered in gashes and dirt and sand. At least let me lend you a hand.โ
He softens at that, jaw seeming to unclench. Addamโs brown eyes have always been expressive, and now they seem to look at you as if youโre the sweetest person heโs ever known. โโฆI suppose youโre right,โ He mutters, โbut we must make haste.โ
Finally, you let go of each other. You use one of your hands to intertwine your fingers with his, and the other to grip your skirts as you lead him to your room. Itโs small and modest, mostly swallowed up by the bed you share. โSit,โ You say, almost commandingly, quickly fetching a spare piece of cloth by the tub in the main room and a bowl of water.
Addamโs eyes almost glint at the way you flounce about before him. He spreads his legs so you are able to stand between them, chin tilting up so he can make eye contact with you while you fix him up.
โLet me see.โ
He holds out his right arm, palm up, covered in tiny scratches and sand from his poor attempt to escape from his new dragon. Seasmoke, he remembers. Addam squeezes your right hand lightly while the other cleans him up.
You barely manage to suppress a heavy scoff at the mess in front of you, but you dab gently at it with the towel anyway, soaked with water. โWhat did you do?โ You ask, brows knitting together. โDid you try to run from it?โ
โYes,โ He admits, face scrunching together at the fresh memory. Youโve told him to be careful of the sky-beasts constantly looming over the two of you, and he knows heโll be scolded for trying to escape the damn thing.
You shake your head, mostly to yourself, and Addamโs shoulders deflate. โWell, what would you have done?โ He asks, exasperated. โMy apologies for wanting to come home to you tonight.โ
You pinch his arm. โI only worry for you,โ You say, voice soft. Addam and his brother, Alyn, are the only family youโve left; youโd never known your father, and your sweet mother had died of a fever shortly after your seventeenth nameday. She hadnโt been able to last, to see you wed the man you love so dearly.
โโฆWhat will you say, when you see Queen Rhaenyra? She may think you are coming as a foe, to battle rather than service.โ
Addam hisses as you brush against a particularly deep cut, eyes squeezing shut. โSorry,โ You say, and he only tips your interlaced fingers up to his lips and kisses the back of your hand.
Your husband pauses after he lets your hands back down, considering the weight of whatever his words to the Black Queen will mean. He almost thinks of it as a duty, to you and his brother. To further your ever so small family.
โI suppose the words will come to me when it happens.โ He swallows harshly, eyes averted from yours, darting around like heโs telling himself to fucking think.
Youโve moved onto his other arm, now, and suddenly the odor of him has become unbearable. Itโs nothing like anything youโve smelled before.
Grimacing, you drop the washcloth and cover your nose with your hand, taking a step back. โWhat?โ questions Addam, clearly confused. โWhatโs the matter?โ
โGods, you fucking stink. What is that?โ
Addam laughs. He laughs, tension seeping out of him as he does. โIt must be the dragon,โ He claims, reaching out to grab your waist and pull you back towards him. โDonโt mind it, please.โ
Youโre unable to fight the smile you feel blooming, because despite the fact that your husband reeks of his new dragon sleeping outside your home, and your feet are sore from walking to the markets, only to find nothing, and your nerves are set ablaze thinking of his meeting with Rhaenyra, Addam is here. Heโs here with you, holding you, safe in the comfort of your humble little home.
The feeling is fleeting, only settling in you for a moment, but you tip your head down to press a kiss to his mouth. โYou must be vigilant,โ You plead when you pull away, ignoring the way Addamโs lips seem to chase after yours. โAnd you must return to me. I do not know what I would do if I were to lose you.โ
โI will be. I swear it.โ
You brush away the dried blood on his cheek with the cloth, frowning. โWe should leave, shouldnโt we? Fly to Essos, where we will be safe without the threat of war. That dragon is large enough to saddle three, isnโt it? We can go-โ
A thumb soothingly presses against your lips, silencing you. โโฆIf I can put the thing to use, it will strengthen us. Strengthen whatever I have with my father.โ
Addam had always been desperate to get the same attention from Lord Corlys that Alyn had always seemed to receive after heโd saved the man. Youโd never spoken to the Lord Velaryon yourself before, but it was hard to miss the way heโd stare at you when you visited your husband in the shipyard, almost melancholically.
โI do not care for jewels and gowns and for you to be gilded in glory, Addam,โ You state, pushing his wrist away from your face. โI care for you. Should we not go now? I could find your brother.โ
โNo.โ He shakes his head, standing from the bed, now towering over you. His fingers, callused from his seemingly never-ending work on Lord Corlysโs ship, caress your waist almost reverently.
Almost every inch of your skin heats up when Addam leans down to kiss your chest, right where your heart is. The skin is covered by the sea-blue gown you wear, a white apron tied about your waist, and you shudder at the feel of his lips on such an intimate spot.
He kisses up from your bosom to your mouth again, firm and sweet and longing. Thereโs no guarantee youโll ever see him again, but some strange part of you feels that all will be well. Itโs a naive thought, perhaps, but one you welcome nonetheless.
โI will come back to you,โ He promises, voice rasping. โI love you.โ
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โ ๐ด๐ค๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ช. (๐ฎ๐ข๐บ๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ฉ๐ข๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ๐ท๐ช๐ญ๐ญ๐ฆ) ๐
โคท summary: saudi arabian and australian grands prix happen! y/n starts making vlogs for the races and it reveals more about her and a certain driver's feelings than she hoped, not that she notices. poor oscar's stuck in the middle of it all but he's trying his best!
โโโโโโ เผปโฉโโโพโโบโงเผบ โโโโโโ
liked by f1, landonorris, and 55,007 others
tagged landonorris and oscarpiastri
mclaren saudi arabia, you were beautiful even if the results weren't! ready for what's to come
12,567 comments
user1 admin not using a single nice photo of the drivers ๐ญ
user2 admin be honest is this your revenge era
mclaren well, yes!
user3 HELP MEEEE
user4 the way lando looks at her ๐ญ
user5 this is a place of business
user6 oscar looks petrified ๐
mclaren dw guys we're still training him!
oscarpiastri wtf why would u say it like that, i'm not a dog
mclaren full-time team mascot, part time driver
user7 admin drop the insta your so pretty ๐ญ๐ญ
user8 no literally, content of her WHERE
mclaren ynusername ๐คฒ๐ผ
user9 LETS FUCKING GO
user10 HER DISSING HER OWN TEAM ๐ THEY'RE GONNA FIRE YOU GIRL
mclaren they don't pay me to LIE
user11 CRAZYY
user12 LANDO IS NEVER GETTING A GOOD PIC EVER AGAIN ๐ญ
mclaren what can i say, i am no mans peace ๐ฅฑ
user13 icon
landonorris reporting you to hr
mclaren for what
landonorris idk harrassment or something
mclaren ok keyboard warrior, lets calm down ๐
user14 KEYBOARD WARRIOR HELEPSJSM
user15 i vote admin just takes over and we don't even get driver pictures
user16 real and true
user17 i fear we may have lost the plot
user18 thoughts on today's results
mclaren i'm trying to be positive in general but man
user19 LMAOOOOO
user20 ik the pr department is shaking in their boots after every post notif
mclaren probably! but unfortunately for everyone, i am going to keep doing whatever i want
user21 no more lando beef, mclaren admin?
mclaren i forget but i never forgive. i forgot why we were fighting but i stay hating bitches ๐ฅฑ
landonorris literally WHAT DID I DO
mclaren IDK BUT IK U PISSED ME OFF ๐ซต
oscarpiastri diabolical photo choice
oscarpiastri i look like a little kid on picture day
mclaren so basically your everyday look
oscarpiastri yk what you are making this work environment very hostile
mclaren i can make it more hostile if you want ๐คจ
oscarpiastri nevermind!!!
maxfewtrell most flattering lando picture i've seen in years
mclaren that's saying something isn't it ๐คฉ
user22 i went to haterville and they all knew you admin
mclaren they actually just elected me mayor there!!! ๐ช๐ป
โโโโโโ เผปโฉโโโพโโบโงเผบ โโโโโโ
liked by bsfusername, landonorris, and 17,800 others
ynusername if my admin duties don't kill me, i promise my caffeine addiction will! (:
3,422 comments
user23 be honest, how many coffees have you had today
ynusername 3!
user24 oh that's not that bad
ynusername +5
user24 JESUS CHRSUT
bsfusername at this point i think meth would be healthier
ynusername honestly yeah
ynusername thanks for the suggestion!!
user25 nooo admin don't do meth ur so sexy aha
ynusername that just made me want to do meth more
landonorris so what i'm hearing is buying you an espresso machine would get me in your good graces ๐
user26 oh brother here he goes
ynusername you must be deaf then
landonorris ๐ 2 espresso machines?
ynusername i don't want ur dirty espresso machines ๐
oscarpiastri now what car is that ๐ซต
ynusername SHHHHH
oscarpiastri TRAITOR
bsf2username when your not busy being super sexy on a race track, can we go thrifting and get sweetgreen and overpriced coffee ๐๐ผ๐๐ผ
ynusername this could've been an email, get this out of my comments ๐
ynusername but yeah obviously
user27 admin vlogs when ๐
ynusername SOON!!! very very soon
user28 mother feeding us once again
ynusername brb, adding single mom who works two jobs, loves her kids, and never stops to my resume
danielricciardo coffee recipe where?
ynusername in your dms now โผ๏ธ
danielricciardo is this flirting
ynusername no if i was flirting i would've told you to ask me in person, i'm just being charitable
landonorris can i get the coffee recipe too then ๐คฒ๐ผ
ynusername wdy want next, my mugs? keep on walking charity case
user29 CHARITY CASE IS CRAZYDFHAJ
user30 she's so effortlessly funny and mean i love her
user31 i feel like this is so unprofessional /:
ynusername babe professional where, you are on??? my personal?? account???
user32 maybe she's born with it, maybe it's the fact that she's consumed enough caffeine to tranquelize a horse
user33 oh please the horse would be dead
ynusername call an ambulance, BUT NOT FOR ME โผ๏ธ๐ช๐ป๐ฃ๏ธ
โโโโโโ เผปโฉโโโพโโบโงเผบ โโโโโโ
ynusername posted to story!
(caption: melbourne vlog out now on youtube, go watch!!)
15,221 replies
โโโโโโ เผปโฉโโโพโโบโงเผบ โโโโโโ
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"This thing better be working," could be heard slightly muffled in between vague shuffling sounds. After a second or two of incoherent noise, the camera footage finally came on. Y/N smiled at herself in the camera as the recording light blinked to life, and raised her hand victoriously. She grabbed the smile microphone in front of her and laughed, "It looks like everything is working. Thank God, I wouldn't have known how to fix it otherwise."
"Alright everybody, welcome to the first race weekend vlog hosted by me! Your favorite McLaren admin and social manager. It took me forever to figure out how I wanted to go about this, but now I think I settled on a format that will work," She explained as she walked around the small, clean kitchen that was within frame of the camera. She pulled a glass jar out of her cabinets and left it on the counter before pulling a jug of cold brew and a cartridge of milk out of her fridge.
"It is currently 7:30 A.M on March 29th, and I have a flight to Melbourne in 3 hours. I'm already packed and ready for this weekend, but I wanted to get an introduction filmed and I wanted to take a shower before I left." Y/N paused for a moment as she poured the coffee into her mason jar until she seemed satisfied and began to add some milk. "I am totally exhausted so this is probably cup one of like," she laughed, "I don't know seven probably. And this is a pretty big jar I won't lie."
"The race weekend doesn't technically start until Friday, so I'll be getting there a bit early, but I wanted to film some content before the race weekend gets really hectic, so McLaren is sending me a little bit earlier. I'm excited though! I love the heat, even if I live in London the antithesis of Australian weather," she taste-tested her coffee and hummed in delight.
"God I really never miss with this stuff," she said contently. "Anyway, it's a bit of an early start today, but I'll have plenty of time to sleep on the fight. I mean can you believe that London to Melbourne is a nearly 22 hours," she scoffed. "I vote that we start making all of the races in one place so I don't have to feel jet lag more painful than the force of 1,000 suns every other weekend. Not that I'm complaining," she chuckled awkwardly, "I love my job McLaren please don't fire me."
Abruptly an orange tabby cat came into the frame of the camera, causing Y/N to abruptly grab her glass jar in the hopes of avoiding a mess. She gasped, but laughed as the cat scampered off as quickly as it had come. She shook her head fondly.
"That, ladies and gentleman, was Cali! My cat. She's literally my baby, and I love her more than anything else on this earth. However, she does have an affinity for hitting things off of counters and breaking them. She also hates men and nearly all other animals, so she's basically the world's biggest hazard to society. She's a good girl, I love her." Y/N explained between sips of coffee as she stared wistfully past the the frame of the camera, where it could be assumed Cali had gone.
Abruptly an alarm went off and Y/N threw her head back with a groan.
"That means I have to get in the shower and get ready so I can leave on time," she said, before taking a few more sips of coffee. "I'm going to go do that, and the next time you'll hear my beautiful voice will be at the Melbourne Airport! Cue the travel montage!"
An assortment of clips follow. Y/N is seen dragging her luggage through Heathrow Airport. Y/N is seen ordering another coffee at the airport, finishing the coffee, and ordering another before her flight. Y/N is seen responding to emails from her airplane seat, editing video footage, and responding to instragram and twitter comments. Footage is shown outside the plane window of a cloudy, blue sky and a time lapse is shown as the sky grows beautiful shades of pink and red before becoming a starry-night sky. Y/N is seen cozy in a throw blanket and a travel pillow, presumably asleep with headphones on. Y/N is shown pulling her luggage through the airport once again, with a brand new coffee cup in hand. She smiles, taking a sip before she is seen settled down in a seat in the bustling airport.
"Twenty-two or so hours later and I have finally landed in Melbourne. I'm waiting for my Uber to get here so I can finally be taken to my hotel to drop my stuff off. I have a meeting with the McLaren drivers in two hours, but luckily I slept really well on the plane. I don't know how else I would be able to deal with Lando Norris. I'm going to finish this coffee in order to maximize my tolerance for the next few hours, but I suspect I'll be getting a new coffee before I reach that meeting. My addiction truly knows no bounds," she laughs, trying to ignore the people vaguely shown within frame that are staring at her speaking to a camera.
The camera cuts abruptly and the waiting screen from SpongeBob flashes on the screen, including the narrator's voice reading "2 hours later."
Y/N is shown once again in new clothes, a new coffee cup in hand, and luggage replaced by a small canvas bag. Her comfortable plane clothes have been swapped out for jean shorts and a plain white tank-top. Her hair is clipped back out of her face, and she is adorned with simple gold jewelry and light makeup.
Y/N smiles at the camera as she walks, bustling and talking heard around her, before whispering into the small microphone, "I have arrived at the McLaren garage. It is now time to meet with Lord Lando and workplace mascot Oscar Piastri," the titles slip off her tongue sarcastically and she doesn't bother suppressing an eye-roll.
In the next clip, Oscar and Lando are seen seated on either side of her as they sit in what seems like a board-room. Lando leans over and whispers something that the camera doesn't pick up and Oscar laughs while Y/N grimaces and reaches forward to readjust the camera. When the camera comes back on, Lando and Oscar are seated together on the left of Y/N as she faces on angle toward both them and the camera.
"Don't just sit there and look pretty, say hello to the camera boys," Y/N says and Oscar cackles at the disgruntled look on Lando's face.
"Is that your way of calling me pretty Y/N," Lando chokes out between laughs, and Y/N scoffs with an eye-roll.
"I was actually talking about Oscar, but whatever floats your little papaya boat Norris," Y/N deadpans and Oscar doubles over from the force of his laughter at the pout on Lando's face.
"That's not nice at all, I hope you know that. I think I am sitting here very prettily, thank you very much," Lando says, leaning into the girl next to him to speak into her microphone.
Y/N draws the microphone back, swatting him away, "Yes, yes quite prettily," Y/N mocks in a British accent.
Oscar, still trying to recover, joins in, "Pretty little Lando Norris," and Y/N laughs jovially, reaching across Lando as if the boy weren't there to high-five the Austrialian driver.
"Bullies, the lot of you," Lando mumbles and Y/N brushes off his comment without response before finally facing the camera.
"Anyway, welcome to the first McLaren race weekend vlog. I'm Y/N L/N, the best media manager in the whole god damn world, and this is Lando Norris, the biggest pain in my ass, and Oscar Piastri, the second biggest pain in my ass. How are you feeling about Melbourne boys?" Y/N questions, transitioning smoothly much to the British driver's chagrin.
"Feeling proud to be the second biggest pain in the ass and not the first. Probably the only time i've been glad to get second actually," Oscar comments and Y/N laughs as Lando shakes his head in disappointment.
"But in all seriousness it is good to be home, this is easily my favorite race of the year seeing as it's my home race and i'm looking forward to, hopefully, good results from our team," Oscar supplies and Y/N nods along to his words.
"Yes, Australia, we are in you and we are happy about it," both boys choked out a laugh at the manager's sexual innuendo and Oscar quickly covered his mouth with his hand so as not to react too much. "What about you Lando what are you feeling," Y/N questioned, leaning the small microphone to the boy.
"Feeling like that was a stupid joke. And also like I am going to be getting P1 this weekend. I can feel it in my bones."
"Leave my jokes alone Lando, you're not being paid to be a critic," she scoffed, "and if I recall, you said the same thing in Saudi Arabia not that long ago. What's changed now?"
Lando rolled his eyes, "What's changed is that we're in Australia now and I'm feeling much more confident."
"Well thank god for that," Y/N supplied unhelpfully as Oscar laughed.
"Now, what we really came here for, it's time to film a video for this channel, it's going to be a fan Q and A, I picked the questions. By the time this vlog is up, the QnA should've already been posted. So feel free to stop watching this and to go watch that or whatever," Y/N commented. "After that we're going to film a TikTok challenge," both and Lando and Oscar grimaced, but Y/N ignored their dismay at the idea of fiming yet another TikTok, so cue the montage! Filming time!" Y/N exclaimed and the screen transitioned to a new series of clips.
In the first clip Oscar and Lando were sitting in two chairs while Y/N sat across from them with a set of notecards.
"Lando, this question from user "ln4mania" asks, "Are you and admin actually friends? Or is the online beef real? The people demand answers!" Y/N reads off with a laugh.
"Do you hear that, the people demand answers Lando! Don't keep them waiting!" Oscar and Y/N laugh as Lando shakes his head and tucks his face into his hands.
"There is no beef, guys. Me and admin, or rather me and Y/N are just fine. We hadn't even actually met when that happened," Lando supplied between laughs. Y/N looked at the camera and rolled her eyes with a shake of her head, faux-disagreeing with the boy.
She ignored the simmering pit of disappointment in her stomach. She did in fact have a problem with entitled little Lando Norris who still gave her side-eyed looks and judgmental stares whenever he saw her. If that wasn't humiliating enough, Oscar had clearly noticed it too, which just gave Y/N the feeling that she wasn't being taken seriously at all now that Oscar understood Lando's lack of respect for Y/N. However that didn't matter in the current moment. All that mattered was making this video.
The next clip showed Lando and Oscar sitting at a table with bowls of water in front of them and towels strewn across a chair just within frame of the camera. Y/N stood behind them, hands rested in their hair as she reacted to the prompts being read by someone, an unnamed media intern, off-camera.
"Who is harder to make videos with?" The intern asked and Y/N huffed out a laugh as she let her hands fully grasp Lando's curls and push him into the water quickly. He sputtered, trying to blink the water out of his eyes as Y/N laughed at the wet-puppy dog look he was sporting.
Y/N tried to shake the ridiculous desire to let her hands run through the soft curls underneath her finger tips. Curse Lando and whatever stupidly good, rich-person hair routine he used that made him smell good and look good, and... whatever.
Lando, blinking water out of his eyes, was now undoubtedly certain that being damn-near waterboarded was worth it if it meant that Y/N would laugh like that again. He knew Oscar would harass him again later for being "down-bad" or something along those lines- as he had done every time he caught the man staring-, but as he caught a glimpse of Y/N's bright smile and shaking shoulders, he found he didn't really care.
The next clip showed Oscar, Lando, Y/N, and a laughing media intern as they all dried off- somehow all having become wet through the course of filming. Y/N dried herself off quickly, taking a sip of her newly refilled coffee, not seeing the way that only the camera and Oscar saw Lando stared at her until the driver was nudged back into focus on drying himself off.
A title-card once again came on the screen with white words on a photo collage of Australian grand-prix candids that Y/N had taken, reading "Race montage? More likely than you'd think."
Footage was shown of the free practice sessions. Oscar and Lando getting in and out of their cars. Engineers along the pit wall going over data. The team speaking incoherently, going over the game plan for Sunday's race. Oscar and Lando greeting fans, signing merch, and posing for photos. Y/N smiling and waving at a cheering crowd of people before staring at the camera incredulously with a small caption reading: "Omg she's famous your honor". More clips showed Lando laughing as Oscar tossed grapes and Lando moved to catch them with his mouth. Lando nearly choking as Y/N cackled in the background. Multiple clips showing Y/N with a fresh coffee, and another... and another, as Oscar's face in the background grew with concern. Zak Brown explaining to Y/N the dangers of caffeine overdose, and the need for moderation. Y/N explaining to Zak Brown that without coffee she would simply collapse and die, which the camera showed did nothing to ease her concern. Y/N getting caps signed by the drivers for fans and walking away with intricate friendship bracelets decorating her wrists.
And finally footage of the race. The engineers in the garage. The pit-crew changing tires. The cars racing past as Y/N watched attentively. Footage of the crowd as they cheered when the cars whizzed past. Smiling faces of fans. Y/N's cheers as Oscar and Lando passed. The smiling faces of McLaren employees as Lando and Oscar crossed the checkered flag in P6 and P8 respectively.
Y/N accepting hugs from both drivers, ignoring the burning sensation in her stomach as Lando wrapped his arms around her with a smile and a laugh. Y/N calling Lando smelly and telling him to go wash off if he wants to hug her next time, and him rolling his eyes at her fondly before making a face at the camera. The podium celebration is shown and Y/N smiles as the anthem plays, even though it's not for her own team.
The final clip is shown of Y/N in her hotel room, comfortable in sweats as she sits on the unmade bed.
"Not bad results this week guys! P6 for Lando and P8 for Oscar, which are good points for the team. I'm happy on my end, I think we got some good content filmed, and I am now ready to go to sleep so I can get home to Cali and my own bed quicker. I hope you enjoyed this video, and if you didn't don't tell me because I don't care!" Y/N jokes with a smile.
"Hopefully I will see you all at the next race, if not the race after that! Bye papaya fans, and be sure to follow us on instagram and all of the other social platforms!" Y/N exclaimed, gesturing to the list of the social media handles that appeared on her right hand side.
And with that, the camera cut to black.
โโโโโโ เผปโฉโโโพโโบโงเผบ โโโโโโ
liked by oscarpiastri, maxverstappen1, and 29,145 others
ynusername afraid to report that i fought jetlag and lost ๐ i did sleep for 25 hours straight after melbourne and i had no clue where i was when i woke up! shout out cali for waking me up ๐๐ผ best friend frl
9,547 comments
bsfusername i'm going to try not to be offended by that caption (love you bb cali) but FUCK YOU CAUSE I BOUGHT YOUR ASS BREAKFAST
ynusername my bad! s/o to that bomb ass omlette ๐คฉ
bsfusername never doing shit for you again
user34 that vlog was god tier, how long did that take
ynusername it took 7 hours of editing and years off my life, thanks so much for asking ๐ฅณ
maxverstappen1 thanks again for those podium photos! you have a gift for photography ๐ช๐ป
ynusername don't mention it! ๐๐ผ
ynusername (no seriously, mclaren might behead me)
mclaren beheading is so last year. firing squad. ๐ฃ๏ธ
user35 not y/n threatening herself ๐
oscarpiastri suprised your body didn't naturally wake up for coffee
ynusername it did! just 25 hours later
user36 your poor cat was literally starving for a whole day? youre a horrible owner
ynusername let me introduce you to god's greatest creation: the automatic feeder!!! i'm sure they can mail one to whatever fucking rock you live under!
user37 PERIODDDD
user38 me personally? i'd never log on again
user39 she needs a personal channel ๐๐ผ๐๐ผ i'd subscribe
user40 her cat is so cute ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ gimme that
ynusername ๐ซต STAY BACK HEATHEN, NO ONE TOUCHES CALI AND LIVES
user40 my bad fam ๐ง๐ปโโ๏ธ
user41 i want someone to love me as much as she loves that mean ass cat
landonorris don't you have a job to be doing ๐๐ she slept through a full work day
user42 lando always on her ass and for whattttt
user43 obsessed obsessed obsessed
ynusername i had the day off! but not the guy who was streaming video games coming for me ๐ฅฑ talking bout get a job
user44 lando and y/n beefing on insta again? we're so back
user45 at this point instagram comment beef isn't enough, they need to duel or some shit
user46 the caffeine addiction almost got her guys
ynusername i wish it would, then i wouldn't have to work with lando's annoying ass
landonorris I CAN SEE YOUR COMMENTS???
ynusername THAT'S THE POINT
user47 honestly just give her a gun atp, these men test her too damn much
โโโโโโ เผปโฉโโโพโโบโงเผบ โโโโโโ
user48 NURSE ๐ซต SHE'S RIGHT HERE
user49 no fr, like let's get back to bed grandma
user50 OP, are you concussed?
user51 no actually cause didn't y/n just say she wanted to khs working with him ๐๐
pastryboy81 that sign can't stop me, because i can't read!
user53 OK I ACTUALLY SEE THE VISION
user54 ARE YOUR EYES CLOSED???!1!1
user55 i fear i totally get it ๐
user56 it's giving enemies to lovers, secret relationship type vibe lowkkkk
user57 no deadass like he hugged her reallll tight
user58 she also hugged oscar ๐ญ๐ญ?? and he has a whole gf
user59 the way she shoved him off and told him he reeked not 5 seconds after ๐ delusion is a disease yall
user60 someone call the f1 gossip pages cause ๐
user61 more like someone call the ward cause somethings real off with yall ๐คจ
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โโโโโโ เผปโฉโโโพโโบโงเผบ โโโโโโ
sorry that this update took forever, i had surgery and recovery has been rougher than i expected! hope you enjoy!!
please leave your thoughts in the comments and feel free to drop a request for your fav in my asks <3
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So another interesting thing about Jane Eyre is its take on relationship inequality.
Like, Jane is 18 at the beginning of the story and Rochester is said to be something like 35-38. And it's not casually brushed aside like that was normal back in the day. It wasn't. Concerns about the age gap are raised within the text. But the story emphasizes that Jane feels comfortable accepting Rochester's proposal, despite the age difference, the class difference, and him being her boss, because Jane feels that Rochester regards her as an equal. When they converse, Jane doesn't feel any tension, like she has to impress him or try to read his mind and say whatever he wants to hear. She feels that he respects her and values her thoughts and isn't compelled to use his power against her if she says something to displease him. Around the midpoint of the story, Jane believes that Rochester is going to marry another woman, and resolves to leave because she's heartbroken, believing that because she is poor and plain Rochester can't possibly be as hurt by their parting as she is, and he'll forget her and move on long before she does. But it turns out to be the opposite. After finding out about Bertha, Rochester begs Jane to stay and insists he'll be miserable forever without her, while Jane, still thinking she's too poor and plain to ever attract someone like him again, resists all temptation and leaves him. And she does this specifically because she feels that if she were to compromise her morals and self-respect to be Mr. Rochester's mistress, then he would lose respect for her and the relationship would fall apart. It was only by maintaining her integrity that the relationship could stay in-tact when the reconciled at the end.
St. John Rivers on the other hand, I don't think is given a definite age, but I think he's intended to be a much younger man, probably in his early 20s. He is poor and without relations aside from his sisters or any other connections, just as Jane. Jane finds out they're actually cousins at the same time she learns she's come into a vast fortune that was willed to her rather than the Rivers, but decides to share her fortune equally with them. So she arguably had more social capital, even though she made an effort to put St. John on equal footing with her, because the money was hers by right and she could've presumably cut him off at any time, just as easily as Rochester could've terminated Jane from her job.
And yet, Jane's relationship with St. John is vastly more unequal than her relationship with Rochester. Even though Jane practically worshiped Rochester but only cares for St. John as a brother and is acutely aware of his faults, she still finds herself desperately craving his approval in a way she never did with Rochester. And St. John is willing to exploit that intentionally. He asks her to do things she doesn't want to and make sacrifices for him just because he knows she'll do anything to please him, and that's why he thinks she's the perfect wife for him. Where Rochester tries to explain himself and persuade Jane not to leave him by addressing her concerns, St. John basically tries to command Jane to marry him and refuses to accept her "no" as final. He withholds affection from Jane as a tactic to get her to compromise in order to reconcile with him when he's the one who should be apologizing to her and considering her needs and not just his own. Jane knows that she can't ever be happy with him because he doesn't respect her and his lack of respect only makes her want to seek his approval, which he is all too happy to exploit for his own benefit.
But Jane ultimately stays firm and rejects St. John's proposal of a loveless marriage, just as she rejected Rochester's proposal of an unlawful marriage, because both situations were doomed to fail if she didn't put her own self-respect first.
So this novel from 1847 was really saying that power dynamics aren't pure black and white. Age and class and wealth and status can be a factor in making a relationship unequal, but you can also be equal on pretty much all social axis and still have inequality in a relationship. What's really important is that there's mutual respect.
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