#something about slow dancing makes my heart ache it’s one of my favorite concepts ever

[moonpatroclus]

“𝐈𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬, 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐦𝐧 𝐦𝐨𝐨𝐧𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬… 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲”

When I saw the “slice of life” prompt for @azrisweek , my immediate thought was some quiet, intimate slow dancing. In my mind, I imagine this isn’t after a big fancy ball or party, it’s just a random evening- nothing special about it other than the fact they get to spend it together.

Thank you, thank you a million times to the wonderful b_astora for working on this piece for me. She was so kind to squeeze me into her schedule, and I’m so happy with the way she brought this idea to life💗

Please do not repost

[falsegoodnight]

these are the fics I read or reread and enjoyed this month! like last time, i’m separating it into different sections: main list, podfics, wips, and non-1d. rereads will be included in the main list and marked with *.

*note: this list encompasses the fics i’ve read from the 1st to the 25th and any fics read after will be included in next month’s fic rec list because otherwise this is going to be obnoxiously long. 

—

main list ~

✰ black cherries and chocolate by @harryanthus​ | NR | 666 (intense and jarring in the best way. this leaves you with that heart-racing feeling and panic crawling up your throat)

There is something or well, someone in the walls.

✰ keep secrets just to keep you by @hadestyles​ | T | 1k (loved this so much!! and need 1000000 more royalty abos from rori immediately)

“With the elements as my witness, I take you to be my husband. My heartbeat begins with you and ends with you, Louis Tomlinson.” Louis sinks to his knees as well, salty tears mixing with the pure rainwater. “And I take you as mine. My heart beats for you and with you.”

✰ bitter coffee and sweet love by @dontfuckwithmyotp​ | G | 1k (so cute and sweet!! proud of you ari for getting your first fic out and excited to see what you do next!)

“Hello! Welcome to The Busy Bean! Are you new?” Louis blinked in surprise at the voice and looked around to find the source. “Behind you,” The person tapped his shoulder once and he whirled around at the unexpected touch.

“Hey! Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to interrupt a person—” His rant stopped when he finally faced them. It was a guy—Harry Styles, according to his small black name tag. His eyes widened in embarrassment.

✰ turn your mic off, baby by @vogueharrystan​ | E | 2k (i love when lilli writes harry’s pov. this was so hot!)

Louis walks around the house naked all day and ignores Harry to play video games instead. Harry gets tired of it.

✰ This Could Be Love by mulletharry | G | 2k (such a cute and perfect little valentine’s day fic! put the biggest smile on my face <3)

Harry and Louis have been together for four months. They spend their first Valentine’s Day together.

✰ you appear as my soul by @hadestyles​​ | T | 2k (so gorgeous and raw)

He aches — not as much as Louis, he could never imagine all that he bears quietly — and as cruel as it sounds, it keeps reminding him of how fragile they are.

✰ the energy from your body by sweetielouis | E | 3k (hilarious, hot, and cute!)

Harry and his friends have a popular podcast, for the Valentines Day special they get a bit drunk and talk a bit too comfortably about their friends arses.

It's a good thing Louis doesn't mind it all that much. 

✰ look how i remember by @harryanthus​ | M | 4k (this left me speechless and aching)

He hates it, he wants to scream and tell Harry as much. Kiss me like you mean it. Kiss me as if we are in love. Kiss me like you will never do it again. Kiss me with so much hatred that it turns back to love.

✰ Things Unsaid by @londonfoginacup​ | G | 5k (so so cute and funny!!)

"That chunky oversized sweater is like a clown outfit made for winter."

It feels like time slows down.

Those words echo in his mind, familiar. Why are they familiar? The— the sweater he saw last week. The one with all the knit squares.

The train slows to a stop and Louis just— he doesn’t move. He feels frozen in place as people surge around him. Suddenly everyone is moving too fast and then just as suddenly the car is near empty, taking off again.

The man is gone.

His soulmate is gone.

✰ reckless serenade by @thepolourryexpress​ | E | 4k (adorable and funny and amazing!)

Harry's Google search history may or may not look like 'my girlfriend doesn't know we're dating.'

✰ dancing in the moonlight by @outropeace​ | E | 5k (need 100k more of this immediately, thanks. so wonderful)

Louis’ fuck buddy gets a date for Valentine’s day and he discovers that denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.

✰ The truth is, the stars are falling by larrysbeanies | E | 5k (hot!!! walking-in trope that i love so much)

Harry knows Louis is gay. Hell, he came out to Harry exactly two months ago (when the dreadful dry spell started) because it was becoming increasingly hard to hide the fact that his one night stands were men. And, you know, they’re best friends so there aren’t supposed to be secrets and all that.

Thing is, Louis told Harry he’s gay ergo, Harry is aware that Louis likes men. Why the fuck did he act so normal while fingering him three days ago, then? Is this something straight guys do to their gay best friends in Harry’s world?

Louis would really like to know.

✰ to be used and to be in love by @thelesserneptune​ | E | 5k (blessed that this is a series. really hot and cute!)

Louis doesn't know why his filthy best friend turned into a vanilla boyfriend and thinks of the perfect birthday present to solve that problem.

✰ on the borderline by @princelouisau​ | E | 8k (the way danielle writes... poetry. this broke me down and then stitched me back up <3)

Louis makes his choice.

✰ One Step Closer by agrinwithouthiscat | G | 12k (reading asexual hl fics is instant comfort and this was lovely)

The one fake relationship AU where they don't end up together.

✰ i glow pink in the night by @raspberryoatss​ | E | 12k (hybrid louis perfection, beautiful writing, characters, and story as always!)

Harry reads a lot of articles about hybrids and Louis is determined to prove them wrong.

✰ The Thinker of Tender Thoughts by @speakingwithink | G | 13k (asexual hl again! this one made me cry) 

Louis sits on his hands to stop them from shaking as he adds, ‘and I’m ace.’ If only he had glitter, he thinks. Coming out deserves a bit of sparkle.

✰ Kiss Me Once, Kiss Me Twice by @harriblou​ | M | 13k (enemies with benefits to lovers goodness! so hot and entertaining)

“You’re a fucking brat, you know that,” Harry muttered through clenched teeth, bones already burning with the pure desire and hatred mixing in his body. It was an intoxicating rush of adrenaline and something else that probably came with fucking Louis Tomlinson. He squeezed his neck just a little tighter. “I can’t stand it.”

Their lips were brushing against each other, just moving with the ragged movements of their mouths and harsh breathing.

“You’re a lying piece of shit dickhead,” Louis muttered right back. That was all he did, challenge and nag. He loved to have the last word and Harry let him because he used all his energy to fuck him mindless.

✰ hold onto your stars by vashtaneradas | NR | 16k (this writer’s atmosphere/prose draws me in every time. such a lovely story)

Harry's in the army, Louis' back home, and ninety days is a lifetime.

✰ The Future is Now by @jacaranda-bloom​ | E | 16k (love fics in this five times format and this one was so unique and cool!! and the friends to lovers aspect = chef’s kiss)

Five times Louis follows the fortunes to seek out his true love, and the one time he realises that what he's been searching for might've been right in front of him the whole time.

✰ Visceral Heat & Carnal Highs by @theisolatedlily​ | E | 18k (the prose in this... gorgeous. so fucking good and addicting. delighted that there’s going to be a sequel and excited for whatever lily does next!)

Louis is a demon at a house party prowling for a meal, indulging in horrendous sins to satisfy his hunger. Harry is the talk of the night, beckoning all eyes on him and the reason why Louis’s plan goes awry.

✰ deFENCEless by @solvetheminourdreams​ | T | 27k (this was so cute and so funny and i had the biggest smile on my face the entire time. not surprised since stef always evokes that in me with her writing)

When Louis butts heads with his new neighbor who loves to garden a little too much, all he can do to protect his yard (and heart), is keep on building up his fence(s).

✰ darling, you give love a bad name by snowcaplou | M | 29k (been waiting for this one since summer and i wasn’t disappointed! so wonderful and real!)

Louis’ has been best friends with Gemma all his life in this stupid little town he’s grown to hate. What happens when, after one night together with his best friend’s brother, he falls pregnant? Surrounded by small minds and conservative cultures, Louis has to deal with parents that demand they do the “right” thing. Get married before anybody finds out.

✰ The Haunting of Louis Tomlinson* by @helloamhere​ | T | 31k (will never not be an all-time favorite. louis’ character is my absolute favorite - gothic heroine indeed - and harry is the best dramatic gay ghost ever <3)

Louis is a plucky Gothic Heroine, Harry is a Mournful Spirit, and Big Country Houses are full of mystery and suspense, as Big Country Houses ever are!

✰ begged and borrowed time by @bottomlwt​ | M | 40k (this concept was so unique and so cool!! loved the medieval setting and the time travel and how everything fit together in the end!!)

“It wasn’t until 1568 that it became time for Prince Harry to find a queen and prepare to rule. However, the day he was set to choose his bride-to-be, he mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen again despite the multiple search parties that went on through the years. To this day, historians still do not know what happened with the infamous Prince Styles case..."

✰ Lidocaine and Palm Trees.* by @daddyharrie​ | E | 45k (definition of ris comfort read - on nth reread and still love it wholly. makes me miss la which is an astonishing feat in itself) 

Heat, fake tans and lots of traffic.

Harry never expected to earn his living this way when he moved to LA.

Louis didn't think he could ever be the same after his divorce.

A lighthearted story about two guys trying to find themselves in the vibrant, sprawling city of Los Angeles, with a side of technical porn industry stuff.

✰ haunted by the ghost of you* by @missandrogyny​ | E | 49k (perhaps my favorite fic of all time? the humor, the characters, the angst?!?! all the britney spears!! and pink ouija boards and wikihow!!)

He’s tall—that’s the first thing that registers in Louis’ head when he spots him, standing with his hands behind his back. Tall, with curly hair, staring at them with the widest, greenest eyes Louis has ever seen. And wait, are those dimples? Louis didn’t know ghosts could have dimples.

Because he’s definitely a ghost, this boy. At first glance he looks normal, standing there pigeon-toed in a band shirt (The Ramones, Louis can’t help but note incredulously), dark jeans, and some boots, with rings on both hands, and tattoos littering his left arm—a sleeve made of anchors and names and roses and other completely unrelated things. But he’s also a little bit translucent; if Louis focuses, he can see the outline of the furniture, the design of the wallpaper through him.

“Hi,” the boy—the ghost—says to Louis. His face shifts; somehow his dimples dig deeper into his cheeks. His eyes flit from Louis, to Niall, to Liam, and finally to Zayn, and his face goes from shocked to elated. “I’m Harry.”

At in that exact moment, standing between three of his best friends and staring at a (quite handsome) ghost, Louis can only think one thing.

Nick Grimshaw was right.

✰ like real people do by @eeveelou​ | E | 64k (this was... so amazing. the characters were so wonderfully written and so was the journey of healing and growth that louis undertakes over the story :’) loved the contrast between l and h’s lives and how they fit into each other still so perfectly)

Jessica Jones AU in which the dead stay where they belong, featuring Zayn as the high-powered lawyer with a hopeless crush on his assistant Liam, Niall as the constantly stoned but strangely insightful neighbor, Harry as Manhattan’s media darling, and Louis as the never-was hero who’s just trying to pick up the pieces.

✰ Black With Autumn Rain by whimsicule | T | 93k (i actually can’t remember if i’ve read this before??? either way - it was wonderful! loved the setting and atmosphere and the supernatural elements! i was so intrigued from the first sentence onwards)

Harry is a journalist, Louis has lots of secrets and the moors aren’t exactly the ideal place to rekindle a lost romance.

podfics ~

✰ tall stories on the page by @soldouthaz​ & read by @softlouislove​ | T (hannah’s voice is so lovely and perfect for reading aloud - and ofc the fic itself is amazing)

Harry's tired of being interviewed by people that only care about the same pointless gossip. Louis is a nice change of pace. 

wips ~

✰ Truth Behind Golden Eyes by @lwtisloved​ | E | 60k | 6/16 (just caught up fully today but i’m really enjoying everything! this is everything i’ve ever wanted in a fantasy fic)

Louis is a royal servant born with magic in a kingdom where his sole existence is outlawed with a war he has no idea he has a part in upon him. Harry is the prince on whom the burden of mending a broken kingdom falls upon and he might be willing to risk it all for a simple servant if only he admitted it to himself.

✰ ‘cause all our tomorrows lead the way by @loubellies​ | E | 39k | 3/10 (having a blast reading this one!! i’ve never seen the bachelor in my life but in fic-format, it’s so fun!)

So maybe Louis’ in over his head.

He had signed up for the Bachelor on a whim after his second bottle of wine and well, here he is. He’s just been announced as the twenty-sixth Bachelor and his ass is sweating. Like, literally sweating. He’s positive that if he was to turn around, the entirety of Bachelor Nation would get a nice peek of his ass sweat.

✰ The Night Still Whispers Sins of Old by @toomanydreamers​ | E | 6k | 2/? (loving this so much, as expected. can’t wait to see how everything unfolds)

Two and a half years have passed since the fateful day when Louis and Harry were crowned Triwizard champions. Confronted with misunderstandings, wounded pride and heartache, Louis stumbled away from the possibility of a future relationship with Harry. Instead, he buried himself into relentless work as a junior Auror and refused to let himself be vulnerable with another person. Circumstances change that force Louis to confront his feelings - and Harry. Stolen glances, picnics at sunrise, thrilling adventures, original spellwork, midnight feasts, soft lips and cautious second chances culminate in an unforgettable mission - but will it be enough to mend their relationship?

non-1d ~

✰ like a bullet needs a gun by @millsxwriting​ | T | 21k | wilds au (despite me having no context, mills still got me to fall in love with toni and shelby. this was so cute and lovely!!)

Toni doesn’t expect to fall for anyone in her senior year. Least of all for Shelby Goodkind, the new girl that arrived in town just before the end of summer. In fact, Toni can’t even look at her for longer than two seconds, or listen to more than three sentences coming out of her mouth without wanting to accidentally push her off a cliff. 

Cue a group project and endless bickering, and suddenly Toni finds herself with an unbearable crush.

If you read any of these beautiful works of art, remember to leave kudos and comment to show your appreciation!

*if i made any errors, please let me know :)

enjoy!

[emawinslow]

nobody asked and nobody cares, but here are my top 15 skam songs. well, maybe not necessarily skam songs, but songs i first heard in skam or a remake

Rebel Rebel by David Bowie (wtfock) - okay, this song is fantastic. everything about it just makes me want to get up and run around and those are my personal favorite kind of songs. i never really heard any david bowie before wtfock so i have sander to thank for this

Dick in the Air by Peaches (skam) - this is what i consider to be the most iconic skam song of all time. the pure power this song has. it’s unmatched. it just makes me want to go kick some ass and i love that. not to attack another song but i’d love to watch wildfire go this hard

Fuck the Pain Away by Peaches (skam nl) - not only does this song slap but it is the first song i ever listened to while driving alone, so it has sentimental value. it’s peaches, so it has similar energy to dick in the air, but if you ask me this one is more singable and more energetic. and this scene was beautiful

Goldrushed by The Royal Concept (skam italia) - to me, this song has big summer vibes. it also just feels like happiness and having fun with your friends. maybe that’s on account of the scene its playing over but that doesn’t change the gleeful and almost nostalgic feelings this song gives me

Girls Love Shoes by Benji Hughes (skam) - one day back in june i couldn’t stop thinking of this song. i listened to it like five times and that day was also a really good day so it would make sense i have a positive association with it. a 10/10 song to slow walk to

Clean Eyes by SYML (druck) - this song (as well as du bist anders) is from my favorite clip across all the remakes. it just has the best energy. it’s the type of song that you could scream at the top of your lungs with your best friends. i physically cannot be unhappy when i listen to it. i listened to this song on a bike ride around my local outdoor middle school campus and i have never been happier. i was incapable of going slow, i just had to speed around and smile. i was the human form of elation

The Fall by The Bug and Copeland (wtfock) - this isn’t the type of music i listen to, but i remember thinking it was unlike anything i’d really heard so i fell in love with it. also that scene is just cool lol

Head Over Heels by Tears For Fears (skam) - not only is this song iconic, i also love it. another great song to ride around an empty middle chool campus while listening to it, but slower this time. it really wanna makes me fall in love

Du bist anders by AnnenMayKantereit (druck) - the beginning of this song just sounds so nice and kind of calming then the song gets more intense but i love it. and i don’t understand a single word but that doesn’t matter because i will sing it, even if it sounds like nonsense

Pink + White by Frank Ocean (skam austin) - i didn’t even register that i liked this song the first time after i heard it in the show, but i heard the beginning of it while i threw some music on in the background and i immediately was like “song cool song where from” and i was hooked

Get Outta My Face by Pussycat and The Dirty Johnsons (skam austin) - this is pretty much my music taste exactly. i heard the first couple of seconds of this song then i literally watched the credits of the episode just to hear the rest of this song. the power, the energy *chef’s kiss*

Life on Mars? by David Bowie (wtfock) - this is the type of song that i will cry/sing the lyrics to whenever i hear it, whether i was sad in the first place or not. very few songs have that affect on me so i’m mostly just impressed, though it is a pretty good song

Hold Your Horses by N U I T (skam france) - i have no idea why i like this song. no clue. i watched the season 5 trailer and i was like “YES” when this song came on and i just loved it right off the bat. i can’t describe the vibes it gives off. everything about this song is a mystery to me

Untold by RY X (druck) - the final song in the freitag 16:07 series. my heart aches when i listen to this song and it makes me want to kiss the love of my life in an empty pool. it feels like time is running out but i don’t care or some other fake deep shit. i just like this song, okay?

Life Like This by AK (wtfock) - i have no way to describe this song other than saying it slapped. i love high energy songs and this one delivers on that. i really can’t explain why i like this song so much because it’s unlike what i usually listen to but it just hypes me the fuck up. every time i listen to it, i try to sing it but i don’t know the words lol

okay now time for the honorable mentions aka songs i knew before i heard them in skam but they just happened to be in it (in no particular order)

The Boys Are Back in Town by Thin Lizzy (skam nl) - this is legitimately one of my favorite songs of all time. no exaggeration. I know every word and it was basically the only song i listened to last summer. the second i started hearing it play i gasped, actually gasped. then i started dancing. it slaps, the end

Talk Show Host by Radiohead (skam) - i watched romeo + juliet in class and when this song came on i was like “yes i love it sign me up for a dreamy sunset walk” it’s groovy adjacent i don’t know how to explain it but it’s just a rad song

Winner Takes It All by ABBA (skam nl) - okay,,, lowkey,,, i liked the version that the “god awful cover band” did of this song but maybe that’s just me. I can’t explain why i like this song moving on

Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap (skam nl) - i have an emotional attachment to this song because of something i will not explain. i don’t even like the song that much but i definitely know it. also good for isa being all emo

Gosh by Jamie XX (skam italia, druck) - i also have an emotional attachment to this song. it was in my favorite tv show of all time (limitless) and when i heard it i got waaay to excited about it

okay, that is all. thank you if you made it this far. this was just me ranting for 1183 words

[dilucsrevenge]

this is me trying

fandom: mystic messenger pairing: zen / jaehee / unnamed main character warnings: light talk about depression. wc: 1,084

"...they told me all of my cages were mental, so i got wasted like all my potential...”

for the longest time, happiness had become a foreign concept in your mind. it was a vague passing feeling, coming and going like the tides of the ocean. most of the time, you were only able to feel the warmth of waves at the tips of your toes and fingers, slowly retreating to fill the spaces with the everlasting coldness you were familiar with. that was until you met zen and jaehee. you were drawn to them just like you were drawn to the warmth of the ocean. being in their presence brought you something so familiar yet so new to you that you practically craved it like it was your lifeline.

and you knew you were the same for them. you were their lifeline while they didn't realize they were yours in return.

--

"what's on your mind?" jaehee's voice rang through your ears suddenly, her fingers running through your hair that was sprawled out across her lap.

you quickly became aware of your surroundings after you had gotten lost in thought, zen leaning against the headboard of your bed, fingers dancing across his phone screen as he answered emails from various producers. jaehee was sat next to him, her head resting on his shoulder as your head laid in her lap.

if you had been honest with jaehee, you would have said that there was a lot on your mind. you were struggling, to say the least. it was just one of those days and the reoccurring thought your brain decided to play like clockwork was the idea that zen and jaehee were better off without you. they were better off without the person who accidentally left the coffee pot with too little coffee in it, without the person who sometimes forgot to hang up their towels in the bathroom. they were better off without you in a sense that all your traces were wiped from their memory. the last christmas you spent together where you had kissed the tip of jaehee's nose to remove the trace of whipped cream after a mug of hot chocolate. the valentine's day where zen surprised the both of you with the recreation of your favorite scene from one of his plays. all those memories gone if you just weren't there. and it sounded simple to you, it sounded like a better option than needing a full day with zen and jaehee in bed pampering you in affection and reassurance when you shouldn't be there in the first place.

but you weren't honest, you couldn't be honest.

"just a lot of thoughts on my mind." you mumbled out as your eyes slowly shut in an attempt to drift off to sleep.

you felt jaehee shifting under you, her delicate fingers moving from your hair to your shoulders to sit you up on the shared bed. when you opened your eyes with a small groan, you met the gaze of zen and jaehee.

"you are aware that we are here for you, right?" jaehee's voice was soft, zen locked his phone and placed it on the bedside table so his attention was fully on you. his fingers danced against the skin of your cheek, wiping away a few tears you hadn't realized escaped your eyes.

"you were there for us through our hardest times, let us do the same for you." zen's voice was softer than you were used to, you could hear his heart breaking just from the sight of the tears against your skin.

and without any warning, the tears and words came pouring out like a tidal wave breaking glass. you were stumbling over your words, clumsy with your tongue as you tried to match your speech with the speed of your thoughts. you were being pulled in too many directions, the strings holding you together were finally collapsing and you could feel every heartbreak and hurt you've gone through covering the room with a thick cloud of gloom.

you had never been honest with the two before, not this honest. you had told them bits and pieces, saving them from the darkness that lingered in the corners of your minds in a selfish attempt to keep them close to you.

every joint and muscle in your body ached but felt so relieved getting the weight of your troubles off your mind and shoulders. strands of your hair were tucked behind your ear by a warm touch you instinctively knew was jaehee. her touch was softer and more delicate, the tips of her fingers calloused from years of sorting through files when she worked for jumin. zen's touch was colder and softer, his hands untouched by the office work with his manicured nails and flawless skin.

the silence between the three of you had your heart racing. this was it, this was the time they were finally going to leave you to be better off. how could they surround themselves with someone that constantly brought so much darkness along with them? how could they surround themselves with someone that couldn't bring them sunshine on a cloudy day. this was their chance to run and leave you as an empty hollow shell of a human being.

but they didn't.

instead, you felt the warm embrace of their arms around you, pulling you closer to them. close enough that your heartbeat slowed to sync with their own. jaehee was pressing kisses to your forehead, each one slowly overwhelming the thoughts bouncing in your mind and pushing them to the side. zen was softly singing under his breath into your ear, stopping only when he needed to pull you closer to his chest.

"sweetie, you are the light to our dark. you are the sunshine to our flower." zen trailed gentle and loving kisses from your jawline to your cheek, stopping when he could pull away and make sure he was watching you closely. "without you, there would be no us. without you, there would be no stars in our galaxies."

with every word of zen's that passed his lips and made its way into your heart, you felt the looming darkness over your head retreating into the horizon. even if it may be temporary, you knew zen and jaehee would be there the next time. and you would be there for them too. that's the thing with these ever changing cloudy days, they come and go like the tides of the ocean, and the most you can say is that with sticking around, this is you trying.

[hermionegranger56]

ok lads its time for my breakdown of folklore, something absolutely no one is asking for but here we are!! this album. thIs ALBUMMMM. dear GOD. the intersection of my two favorite things, taylor swift and indie folk???? i feel like i’m dreaming. when she announced the surprise drop i literally burst into tears and evidently for good reason lol.

anywho here’s the thing. Red has been my all time favorite album for 8 years now. it holds such an important place in my life and i never thought anything she did could come close (though Lover almost did). but this. THIS IS BETTER THAN RED

the lyrical genius is unmatched here. taylor isn’t just writing songs here, this is POETRY. every song is nuanced, intricate, devastatingly beautiful, with words that’ll haunt me for a long time. and the fact that it’s stories, literal folklore, no longer just about her own life is incredibly creative and is executed so well for someone who has interwoven her life into her entire body of music thus far. folklore blends facts with fiction so seamlessly and is a true exhibition of taylor’s power as a songwriter.

and the vibessss!! from haunting heartbreak songs, to ethereal lost-in-the-woods vibes, to a comforting return to her old self, this album has everything. taylor is without a doubt one of the most versatile artists of our generation, having success and skill in multiple genres and folklore only solidifies this fact.

ALL RIGHT KIDS LETS JUMP IN

the 1: hell yeah explicit tswift give it to me lol you ARE on some new shit!! ok when i first listened to this i hadn’t read her statement about the other perspectives and i was about to RIOT about her and joe breaking up (like they could ever lol). this is such a catchy beat, such a casual?? look at such a painful feeling? a really good start to this album. the part where she goes another day waking up aLONE killlllllls me wow

fave lines: “in my defense i have none/for never leaving well enough alone”

cardigan: (don’t get me started on the mv it’s gorgeous) YES THE TEENAGE LOVE TRIANGLE suchhh a good concept!! the melody of this song is unreal, the chorus makes me want to scream it’s so beautiful, the i-i-i is SOMETHING ELSE. it’s crazy how just the melody makes betty’s pain so palpable, but so enchanting at the same time. it’s bittersweet and cinematic and i’m in love. PETER LOSING WENDY GOD. easily top 5 song here

fave lines: “when you are young they assume you know nothing”, “cause i knew you/ heartbeat on the high line/ once in 20 lifetimes i” “you drew stars around my scars/but now i’m bleeding”

the last great american dynasty: watch hill!!! her watch hill house!! i live near there!! oh i think this song is so clever and i love how it ties into mad woman as well as harkens back to starlight. i LOVE the way she ties her self in, “and then it was bought by me” like ughhh her mind? and its catchy AF

fave lines: “i had a marvelous time ruining everything”

exile: YOU KNOW HOW TO DO AN INDIE ALBUM??? BRING BON IVER INTO THIS SHIT!! wowww this song is haunting and is definitely the “i’m you but stronger” version of The Last Time. the overlap of both of them singing and their parallel lines are flawless. i could play this on repeat for hours and contemplate my whole existence

fave lines: “you never gave a warning sign/i gave so many signs”

my tears ricochet: ok somehow a track 5 with tears in the title is not the saddest song here but DAMN is it good. I love the visual of someone watching over their funeral and reacting. the music is stunningggg here. ALSO i am pretty convinced this is about the whole scott/scooter drama, like the lyrics fit so well? and she said it was the first song she wrote so the timeline kinda fits?? geniusss

fave lines: “I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace”, “and if i’m dead to you/why are you at the wake?”

mirrorball: ohhhh this one is so pretty!! it just makes me want to dance around the kitchen with the person i love??? its comforting, ethereal, happyyy ugh i love it. I also think it could be about her relationship with her fans? like her music shows us different sides of ourselves idk? or just absorbing into a relationship?

fave lines: “on my tallest tiptoes/shining just for you”

seven: i’m gonna call this now: this is going to be the most underrated song on this album. it is STUNNING. POETIC. HEARTBREAKING. the music is so hauntingly nostalgic. and the lyrics, holy absolute shit. they’re a delicate testament to childhood, memory, and innocent love. it’s gut wrenching and i love it so so much

fave lines: “i’ve been meaning to tell you/i think your house is haunted/your dad is always mad/and that must be why”, “and just like folk song/our love will be passed on”, “before i learned civility/ i used to scream ferociously” ALL OF IT

august: and now we get the girl james cheated with’s perspective, which i think is great. its sunny, wistful and sad underneath all that beautiful production. when she slides from the chorus to the “back when we we’re changing for the better” and hits that “mineeee to lose” GOD, it just fills your chest. i feel like even if you never have, this makes anyone feel like they know exactly what a summer fling feels like. one of my faves

fave lines: “august slipped away/like a bottle of wine”, “cancel my plans just in case you call/ and say meet me behind the mall”

this is me trying: the slow pacing of this melody serves to show these EXQUISITE lyrics here. this is so intimate and personal and i feel like everyone can relate to this feeling of just trying to hold on and put on a brave face?

fave lines: “they told me all of my cages were mental/ so i got wasted like all my potential”

illicit affairs: ok all you need to know about this one is a) I’m obsessed b) this is the closest she has come to creating a bridge that makes me feel like the All Too Well bridge has, like scream sobbing in the car type vibe??? its unreal. and this song makes me feel that shitty feeling of: “this was supposed to be casual but oops its very much not” hmmm maybe that’s where the scream sobbing comes from hahah

fave lines: “don’t call me kid/don’t call me baby/look at this godforsaken mess that you made me/you showed me colors you know i can’t see with anyone else”

invisible string: this. THIS is probably her most stunning love song. like. i thought it was Lover. i was wrong. this one is confidently from Taylor’s perspective, about Joe and dear lord i want a love like theirs. and shit does this song put the folk in folklore, the music is so simple and gorgeous and harkens back to her country roots without losing this new sound she has. and the first few notes remind me of Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens so instantly im sold. this and betty are tied for my number 1, it’s just too beautiful

fave lines: “time curious time/give me no compasses/give me no signs” “isn’t it just so pretty to think/all along there was some invisible string/tying you to me”, “cold was steel of the axe that i had to grind/for the boys who broke my heart/now i buy their babies presents”, “hell was the journey/but it brought me heaven”

mad woman: FUCK YOU FOREVERRRRRR!!! yes taylor said fuckkkk ugh i LOVE this vibe, the revenge of the mad woman that the town cast out is so eerie and powerful, i’m obsessed. it ties back into the maddest woman of TLGAD and it feels like a spiritual sequel to The Man, the same feminist thread weaving through it. the lyrics are razor sharp and biting, i love it

fave lines: “and you poke that bear/till the claws come out/ and you find something/ to wrap your noose around”, “it’s obvious wanting me dead has really brought you two together”

epiphany: so uhhh THIS is the saddest song on folklore. fight me. the seamless comparison between wartime and the pandemic and waiting for some epiphany that could make sense of all the horrors surrounding the both. idk man, as someone who’s been a covid nurse since March, i just….this one HURTS. similar to Soon You’ll Get Better tbh

fave lines: “hold your hand through plastic now/doc i think she’s crashing out/and somethings you just can’t speak about”

betty: OH I LOVE IT WITH MY WHOLE HEART! this is such a TRIUMPHANT return to old taylor, it is so joyful but sad at the same time?? the harmonica?? the last part of the love triangle?? it sounds like Taylor Swift and Fearless all grown up and it makes me ache for back then, but love where we are right now. tbh the first time i heard this i sobbed through the whole thing just out of pure nostalgia. she’s back but at the same time she never left. this feels like a love song to original fans and it. is. incredible. my favoriteeee goddd

fave lines: THE WHOLE CHORUS BABYYYYY

peace: it’s gorgeous, especially the guitarrr ugh. this feels like delicate’s quiet older sister. i think it’s definitely about joe and how taylor, despite loving him, still has these insecurities and fears about what a relationship with someone in her position could be like? like there will be struggles, but he’s her family and she “would die for you in secret”. stunning

fave lines: “i’m a fire and i’ll keep your brittle heart warm”, “the devils in the detail/but you’ve got a friend in me”, “give you my wild/give you a child”

hoax: i’m surprised she ended it on a sad one (but we still have the lakes!!) but this song is hauntingly beautiful WOW. every line of this absolutely floors me. i think this one will also be largely underrated, but it is pure poetry and deserves so so much hype

fave lines: “stood on the cliffside/screaming give me a reason/your faithless love’s the only hoax i believe in”, “it still hurts underneath my scars/from when they pulled me apart/but what you did was just as dark” “my kingdom come undone/ my broken drum/ you have beaten my heart”

ANYWHO TAYLOR HAS PRODUCED HER BEST WORK TO DATE AND IM READY FOR SAD GIRL AUTUMN

[forgiven-whimsy]

The Red Violin

FFXIV write 2020 prompt 2: Sway

Shiloh’s song  Shiloh and Emet’s duet (note the spotify version has a longer piano opening.) 

Anyways, touches of Lominsan/Vylbrand headcanons (they’re the ff Newfoundland, imo)  Aumortine music and art headcanons, and Garlean headcanons. Imagery leaning heavily on 5.3 revelations, while I don’t use express spoilers, reader beware. 

Set After Rak’Tika, but before Ahm Areng. 

Rated T - Angst

Wol x Emet-Selch

(Why yes the Red Violin is one of my all time favorite movies, why do you ask?) 

~

“I am a patron of the arts, always have been, the best your kind has to offer is found in the arts, incomplete as it is, there’s a certain charm to be found in it.” Emet-Selch sipped from his wine glass, swiping his gloved finger over the bars surface then wrinkling his nose. 

“What do you mean incomplete? Art is by its very nature subjective, therefore art’s completeness is defined by the artist, not the audience.” Shiloh replied, not particularly keen on hearing about all the ways she was inferior, but curious about how his timeless people made music, or art, the idea of Asciens being artists was a foreign concept, yet getting to know Emet-Selch, not entirely far-fetched. Solus Zos Galvus was historically a patron of the arts, she’d been aboard the Prima Vista and seen the reach of his patronage.

“It would be easier to show you.” And with a snap of his fingers the Crystarium vanished and he transported them to an entirely different environ. They were in a theatre, great gold trimmed red curtains, on stage a spotlight centered on a sleek black grand piano, surrounding it was all manner of string instruments, violin, cello, lute, harp, and even others she couldn’t name, Shiloh itched to touch them, to try them and see what sound they might make. The stage jutted out in a half moon, far more open than anything she’d ever seen, the audience seating surrounded the stage allowing a certain intimacy between artist and audience. Above, there was a massive chandelier whose teardrop crystals twinkled in the soft theatre lighting, the balconies climbed three stories, each gilded and carved with vines and flowers, painted in reds and golds, opulent. Stage left there was one particular balcony that caught her eye, the carvings more elaborate and draped in finery. 

“This is the Great Arena Theatrum in Garlemald,” Shiloh near gasped out, before rounding on Emet-Selch, “you brought me to Garlemald?” She had just let him, an Ascien, teleport her to the heart of enemy territory, and she wasn’t sure whether to be annoyed, furious or ashamed at being taken so easily. The musician in her near fainted with joy. Regardless of Garlean politics, every musician, actor, and dancer worth their salt has dreamt of performing on the Theatrums stage, Shiloh was no exception. While she was the daughter of a Doman refugee, she had been raised in Vylbrand, and the island's lifeblood was music. A house wasn’t a home without a piano, and a fiddle, and she’d been taught both as a child. She could recall playing her fiddle standing on the kitchen table imagining herself on this very stage. 

“Calm down hero, we are in an approximation of my own making, hidden away from prying eyes here in Norvrant, my fool grandson let the Theatrum fall into disrepair.” He sniffed derisively, “when I have proven my point to you I shall return you to the Crystarium without a hair out of place. It wounds me that you still don’t trust me.” He gave her a smile that did not inspire trust. 

He walked her into the spotlight, his gloved hands touching her lightly at the elbow, the twinkling light from the chandelier painted stars onto the raised top of the grand piano exposing the finely curved wood and strings within. Sitting on the piano bench was a violin case, Emet-Selch presented it to her with a flourish. Shiloh sat and opened the case to reveal the most exquisite violin she’d ever beheld. The spruce top had been stained a deep red with a bow to match, she delicately ran her fingers over the curving wood, the strings, the bow. Shiloh made a noise in her throat as she lifted the rare treasure into her arms, that prompted a chuckle from her Ascien companion. “A peace offering, the only condition is to play me something that stirs your soul, something original if it please.” He lifted her chin forcing her gaze from the violin to him, “move me, and I shall show you what your music once was.” 

“No pressure,” Shiloh held his gaze, seeing a spark of something she couldn’t describe in his golden eyes. “It’s been years since I’ve played, anything.” The weight of his expectation was heavy. He only smiled. 

“I have faith in you, dear hero.” Emet-Selch snapped his fingers and he disappeared into a black portal, she heard it re-open stage left, and there he sat, every inch an emperor in his gilded private balcony. “Take whatever time you need to warm up.” he called from his lavish chair, glass of wine in hand. With that, the theatre lights dimmed, the instruments, all save the grand piano, vanished, the spotlight remained on her. 

Shiloh felt like a mouse being toyed with by a cat. Squaring her shoulders she set the violin to her chin and prayed to all the Twelve and Kami, The Light and Dark both, that the bow would glide across the strings without screaming. The last time she’d picked up a violin was at Haurchefant’s funeral, at the behest of Lord Edmont, nearly two years past. A lance of grief sliced through her.  She could refuse, she could tell him to bring her back to the Crystarium, but then, she’d never know what Ascien music sounded like. It was the memory of Haurchefant, the two of them sitting shoulder to shoulder playing a silly duet on his childhood piano in the Fortempt music room that steeled her spine.

She started with a slow scale, each note sung and not screamed, to her considerable relief. Shiloh exhaled, it wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t terrible, her fingers remembered the strings. She warmed up with scales, old childhood lullabies, folk songs played around the kitchen table. Finally she played an Ishgardian waltz, the sheet music a gift from her departed friend. She felt herself smiling, eyes shut, tail swaying in time with the tempo. Her mind filling in the missing instruments as the red violin sang with a full and mournful voice. So focused on practicing and remembering, Shiloh didn’t hear Emet-Selch’s portal behind her. 

“All very lovely, my dear, I’m sure Master Jevant Dufet would be pleased with such an able rendering of the Midnight Waltz, and without sheet music, most impressive.” 

Shiloh startled, spinning around to face him.

Emet-Selch tutted her while he approached, he placed gentle hands at her waist, spinning her back into the spotlight. He was in her space and she could feel his warmth, smell his scent. “I didn’t ask you to stop.” His long arms reached around lifting the violin back to her collar bone, he tilted her head just so before tracing a gloved finger along her jaw and arched neck. “I want to hear the song that resides in your soul.” His breath ghosted along her cheek, the timber of his voice resonating along her horn, and she felt her skin pebble. “Will you play it for me?” 

“I don’t know, I don’t have any original composi-” 

“Stop thinking, close your eyes, listen, and play.” His voice was patient, while he lifted her bow arm to the right position. 

Shiloh inhaled, and did as she was bid, listening, for what, she didn’t know. She felt the quick beat of a Thanvarian flamenco fluttering in her chest and slowly bow met strings, and the song that flew out was urgent, her bowing quick and precise borrowing heavily of the Thanvarian style, but so too was there a distinctly Ul’dhan quality, in her mind's eye she felt as a bird flying over the dunes, weaving over the rising heat. 

Emet-Selch’s touch was soft, gone was the silk of his glove, replaced by warm skin, his snap fit within her song and suddenly the guitar, the percussion, the accompanying strings, the piano, the light horns, the full voice of her song burst forth, the violin threading through each section. “Open your eyes.” he whispered against her horn, and she did. 

Gone was the theatre, they were bathed in the colours of the sunset, and above them flew a phoenix, dipping and diving along all the lands she’s seen, and saved, and loved. “Don’t stop.” he whispered, setting a hand on her hip and squeezing. She gasped at the sight, at the raw beauty. And she played with a bursting heart, tears slipping from unblinking eyes unwilling to look away from the dancing phoenix. She increased the tempo, bowing more quickly, the notes tumbling along the winds of the star, knowing that it would end if she stopped, and she didn’t want it to stop. She let the fire in her soul burn as brightly as she could, uncaring of the ach in her fingers, knowing only that the creature above was born of her music, and so she played for it’s pleasure, and it soared, the violin it’s voice and heart. Until in a burst of flame it was consumed, and the song ended. 

She swayed on her feet, consumed by emotion, bittersweet tears running down her face. She leaned against Emet-Selch who remained behind her, his hand at her throat, and hip moving gently, caressing. Overwhelmed she exhaled a shuddering breath. 

“Do you understand now, what was lost?” He asked quietly, voice heavy with the same emotion she was feeling.

“How did you?”

“I assure you my dear I did nothing but lend you a sliver of my power, the song, the image, everything, was born of your heart, your soul. And so it was that all art was created in a similar fashion. The full intent of the piece complete.” 

Shiloh spun in his arms, still clutching bow and violin, she was met with a half quirked smile and a softness in his eyes she’d not thought possible. He tenderly brushed the tears from her cheeks, “yours was always a beautiful song, so full of passion.” 

Shiloh’s head was swimming, she wanted to keep playing, she had so many questions, and yet she found herself drowning in the liquid gold of his eyes, the same pale gold as her own. She licked her lips, and leaned against the palm of his hand where he held her cheek. 

“Play with me?” she asked breathless, “before we go, play with me, a duet.” He closed his eyes, his expression pained, “please, Emet.”

“How can I turn down so earnest a plea?” he gave her a rueful smile, “but, first.” He pressed his forehead to her own, and she felt something, cool, and comforting wash over her, where her song, her aether, she belatedly realized, was like the sun, Emet-Selch’s aether, his soul was as the moon. Her own aether responded, curious and warm, until their essence mingled, until there was no ending nor beginning between them. “There, that should serve.” 

Shiloh both did and didn’t understand what he’d done, he stepped back going to the grand piano. His presence remained, slowly curling around her, lazy and familiar. “As before, listen, and play.” 

Shiloh lifted the violin, and tilted her head, giddy with anticipation, moving to be in sight of him and waited. 

Emet began the song, quiet notes on the piano, Shiloh did not close her eyes this time. With each passing note the theatre fell away replaced by blackest night until a city made of stardust rose around them. He met her eyes and nodded and she knew her part had come and she joined her song to his, she knew the notes, a song from a past she couldn’t place, suddenly the starlit city filled with people wraithlike and sparkling. But it was two individuals that caught her eye. Emet-Selch changed the tempo to a style she’d never heard before, yet it was familiar, she adjusted her tempo to match. The two wraiths danced, spinning through the grand city, there was joy in their movements. Unadulterated love between them. One lifted the other, and she could swear the one who was lifted laughed, when placed down they ran from the first, a game. The first chased, sometimes catching them in a kiss, sometimes missing, until the other rounded back to jump into the firsts arms. Shiloh’s heart ached, the song and starlit players a half remembered memory. The song changed again, mournful, the city fell away, one of the wraiths, the one who played, faded, leaving only one, until it also faded, and the song ended. 

She felt the pain thrumming from Emet’s aether still entwined with her own, his head bowed over the piano. Shiloh set the violin back in its case and went to him, wrapping her arms around his back, anything to ease the overwhelming sadness. His hand grasped at her arm, and she felt a shudder from him. 

“I’m here.” She whispered against his ear, soft hair tickling her nose. 

He shook his head. 

“I’m here.” She repeated, not understanding all, but knowing what she witnessed in their shared song had been a glimpse of their story.

He twisted in her arms, anguish on his face, “you left.” his voice a harsh whisper fraught with emotion. 

She had no answer for him, nothing to ease the pain, she didn’t understand, didn’t remember, whatever her soul had been to him, was gone, but it’s echo knew him, called to him, and she kissed his angry mouth, a despairing sound whimpered from Emet’s throat. He grabbed her and kissed her again, and again, hungry, lost, full of longing. Their twined aether created a feedback loop consuming them. His hands were everywhere, and Shiloh arched into him. In a moment he had her against the piano, discordant notes interrupting their growing passion. It was enough to stop them, and for a half beat they stared at each other panting. Emet-Selch was the first to move, tearing his aether from hers, and she winced, the withdrawal a physical pain. He snapped his fingers, returning Shiloh to the Crystarium, as promised, without so much as a word.

She made her way back to her room in the Pendants, still processing everything she’d learned, and seen, and felt. Every so often touching her kiss swollen lips. She slid into her room meeting no one she knew along the way, no one to question the high blush on her cheek and chest, or the dazed look in her eyes. Distracted as she was it took a minute for her to notice the violin case sitting on her kitchen table. She knew before opening it what she’d find within, a promise, a memory, her red violin. 

[spookyblackwidow]

Fanfic request: Natasha's having nightmares and is getting super sleep deprived and it's kind of making her sick, and Clint notices and confronts her about it?

Author’s note: Nightmares are literally one of my favorite things to write about?? BLESS YOU. This is way longer than anticipated, but I hope you enjoy!

Weakness

2552 words

Natasha jolted awake, sweat beading on her forehead, a gun clutched in her hand, trained on an imaginary threat. The fear faded, slowly, as she became aware of her familiar surroundings, the antique furniture of the bedroom in her primary safe house just outside New York City. She shook off the dream and forced her ragged breathing to slow, an attempt to counteract her racing heart. It was just past 2 a.m., and, although she hadn’t been asleep long, she had enough experience to know she’d be awake for quite a while.

The glow of streetlights seeped through the blinds, softly illuminating strips of laminate beneath her feet. She made her way to the kitchen, resisting the innate urge to flip on lights and ensure her safety, certain enough of her movements and the reality that the danger she’d just emerged from would remain firmly in her mind, unable to creep out into existence. Realism and denial were programmed into her, a staunch refusal to take things at face value ingrained over years of reprogramming, the aliases and brainwashing that never seemed to end, no light at the end of a labyrinth. Tunnels were too linear, too neat, too easy to navigate. Her life had been a messy nightmare she couldn’t quite shake, no matter how much time had passed since she’d defected, since she’d last been unmade.

The kettle whistled, an agonizingly sharp whine burrowing its way into her exhausted brain. She swore under her breath and turned off the burner, annoyed she’d gotten so wrapped up inside her thoughts she’d lost awareness of her surroundings. Something wound through her legs, further startling her, the black shadow begging for attention, acknowledgement, anything.

“Fucking hell, Liho,” Natasha grumbled into her steaming mug of tea, her perpetually icy fingers clutching the ceramic, greedily absorbing its warmth. Carefully stepping around the way-too-fucking-alert cat, she settled into an oversized chair and clicked on a lamp, the pale light fighting against the encroaching darkness an all too familiar sight.

She picked up a book, its spine cracked, the edges worn and faded, a relic from a previous life, from back when she could dissociate enough to get lost in a story. It was one of the few things she’d carried with her into the Red Room, always safely stashed away under a mattress, stuffed in a threadbare pillowcase, buried within a carefully carved hole in the wall. She wasn’t quite sure how she’d managed to hold onto it through all the identities she’d been given, and whatever original meaning it had held was gone, but she liked the idea of having a tangible reminder of the innocent girl she’d once been. She’d tried night after night for years, but she couldn’t bring herself to read it, opting instead to study the dog-eared corners, the inked drawings scattered throughout, mostly doodles scribbled by unknown hands, each an everlasting mark of the book’s history.

Natasha paged through it, seeing but not comprehending the Cyrillic characters of her native tongue. This had become her nightly ritual, a way to detach from whatever horrible vision had awoken her, actions that would hopefully calm her enough to be able to sleep again, although it was never for long. How many years had she been sleeping so fitfully? Her whole life? Or maybe just the last several identities? She’d lost too much time, too much trust in reality to ever be sure. She closed her eyes, but she knew there’d be no more rest before sunrise.

Morning crept in, sunlight inching its way in through the windows, a warm hue that she might’ve derived pleasure from if this hadn’t been the eighteenth morning in a row she’d sat in the same chair, agonizingly awake, witnessing the same dreadful reminder that she’d soon be expected to do things. As it was nearing six, she figured she had just enough time to shower, get dressed, and wash her mug before the first message from Nick would arrive; after so many years working together, he was aware that she was typically an early riser, a fact he took full advantage of. Sure enough, she was placing the mug back in the cupboard when she got the call to come in.

She considered making breakfast, but her stomach turned, the mere idea of eating seemed revolting. The dull ache behind her eyes reminded her that skipping another meal was definitely not what she should be doing, but the food aversion won out, a side effect she’d mentally catalogued and shoved aside long ago.

Her debriefing was short—a routine tracking job, a potential hit, more busy work than anything. Nick handed her a new identity to become familiar with in the event she was cornered, along with one for Clint; it was officially a Strike Team: Delta mission, not that she needed the help, although she would be grateful for the company. As always, they’d improvise, no overly complex maneuvers, no extraction plan. All she needed now was her dumbass best friend to show up on time.

Nick left her to wait in his office, which, under normal circumstances wouldn’t bother her, but the leather chair and wide windows felt too much like home in the most literal sense, and she was getting restless. She stood—too quickly, she soon realized—and paced, her empty stomach complaining, small bursts of light dancing in her peripherals. She blinked away the spots, certain they’d been gold, although they’d simply been white earlier, as they should be. No, they shouldn’t be there at all.

Clint entered as she returned to her seat, physically drained, her head fuzzy and aching. His smile was exuberant, but his eyes flickered with concern, a quick once-over confirming that something was very much not okay with Nat. He shot her a knowing look before pasting the smile back on for Nick’s benefit; Clint acted like an idiot most of the time, but he knew better than to let anyone else worry about his best friend.

Natasha let her eyes track the birds flitting past the windows, slightly iridescent rock pigeons swooping about, bouncing across various ledges and sills, their feathers ruffling in the breeze. She was only faintly aware of Nick droning on in the background, her mind miles away, drifting somewhere among the birds. Clouds of smoke billowed up outside, the thick grey choking out parts of the city, flooding her vision until she could see nothing else. Her muscles tensed, heart rate steadily increasing, the flood of cortisol effectively convincing her this was how it all ended. She closed her eyes, anticipating a flash of heat, pain, and then nothing.

“Nat?” Clint placed a hand on hers, the rough pad of his thumb gently rubbing circles across her white knuckles, a familiar and instinctive action they rarely let others witness. She could hear the strain in his voice, thinly disguised as annoyance, nearly every part of their lives some sort of act, a far cry from who they were together, who they wanted to be. Having felt no other change, her body still intact, she slowly opened her eyes, blinking away the previous fogginess, restoring her sight to normal.

“Sorry, I got a little lost in thought there.” She smiled weakly, just enough to shake off concern, but not too much to raise suspicion. “Where were we?”

“Reviewing your identities. I shouldn’t have to remind you that being well-versed in your backstory could make the difference between life and death,” Nick said.

She struggled to focus through the rest of the meeting, her mind straying to the horrors that had been keeping her up at night, the visions that she knew would never truly leave her, rather mutating into increasingly unsettling versions of themselves, morphing with other memories and fears. The red in her ledge had merged with her vivid imagination, creating monstrosities she didn’t care to reveal to anyone, as letting them out of her mind, giving voice to the atrocities, would only spread the nightmare, infecting her most trusted friends with the concepts, irreparably contaminating their thoughts and dreams. She knew he would ask, as he always had in times like these, but she wouldn’t share, couldn’t willingly harm him. The secrecy would hurt him enough, he didn’t need to allow her worst fears to become his own.

He waited for the elevator doors to close before confronting her, one hand wrapped firmly around her bicep, the other pivoting her shoulder so she’d face him. Normally she’d fight back, at the very least pry his fingers off her arm, but fighting this seemed pointless. Instead, she fought the resurfacing image from the night before, the pain of Clint following through on Loki’s promise. They stood in silence a few moments as he studied her.

“You’re not sleeping, are you.” It was not a question but a final conclusion, spot-on, as always.

“Not for lack of trying.” She shrugged as much as she was able to in his grasp, which had let up only slightly.

“Nightmares again?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Not really. My bad dreams aren’t really your concern.”

“Of course they are! Do you think I like seeing you like this? My best friend, sick, practically a zombie!” He finally released her arm to run his fingers through his hair in exasperation.

“For fuck’s sake, I’m not a zombie, I’m just tired,” she scowled.

“Jesus Christ, Nat.” He watched her thin fingers tap restlessly against her thigh, a telling tic she was too weak to suppress. “Have you even eaten today?”

“Not hungry.”

“Bullshit. We’re getting food in you.” Clint pushed the button for the main floor, and they descended in tense silence. She closed her eyes again, ignoring the spots in her vision, focusing solely on keeping her breathing steady as another nightmare returned to rear its head. Memories of who she used to be, the torment she suffered at the hands of her superiors, the unspeakable crimes she’d committed. Mangled screams, her hands red and bloodied, endless lists of her victims, the names half-remembered at best.

He shoved her through the lobby, down the street, and in the closest door advertising food. It was a cheap pizza joint, one he frequented after missions, usually while intoxicated, but it was the quickest option at the moment. She opened her mouth to protest, to argue that her standard of living was above eating at dollar by-the-slice pizza places that were a far cry from anything resembling a restaurant, but was immediately met with a stern glare.

“Eat.” Clint shoved a paper plate into her hands, a greasy slice of pizza covering most of it. She grimaced and took a small bite, fully aware he wouldn’t let her leave until he’d decided she’d eaten enough. It had been a few months since they’d last gone through this routine, but his food choices had not improved.

“You couldn’t have taken me some place a little nicer? I though you knew how to show a girl a good time.”

“I’ll buy you a proper meal when you learn how to feed yourself. You know, most people gorge on junk food when they’re sleep deprived.”

“I’m much more familiar with fasting.” She set her crust down on the plate, unable to force herself to finish it. “Besides, caffeine is a wonderful appetite suppressant.”

“It’s also a stimulant that can prevent you from sleeping.”

“That’s not about the caffeine, and you know it,” she snapped.

“Then tell me about it! And don’t give me some bullshit about protecting me, I’m not falling for it. You need to work through what’s keeping you awake before it kills you.”

“What part of my hellish life isn’t coming back to haunt me?” she scoffed. “My past, present, potential future. It’s all fucked, Clint, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“You wanna bet?” He smiled, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Clinton Francis Barton, what the hell are you planning now?”

…

Later that night, Natasha sat staring at her book, gently stroking a very happy Liho who was curled up in her lap, anxiously waiting for Clint to arrive. He’d refused to tell her anything—claimed it was better if she didn’t know—and now he was late, despite the fact that he had set the time. The clock in her kitchen seemed louder than usual, the incessant ticking of the second hand stabbing at her aching head. She was moments away from breaking it when the doorbell rang. Clint was smiling, a duffle bag slung over his shoulder.

“What’s in the bag?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Clint.”

“My stuff. I’m spending the night.”

“Like hell you are!” She started to close the door, but he braced himself against the doorframe and caught the edge.

“Hear me out, Nat. Please. You owe it to yourself to try.”

“Why on earth would you think this is a good idea?” Natasha crossed her arms, but she stepped back, allowing him into her safe house.

“You trust me—don’t even try to argue with me on that. Your unconscious mind is playing off your deepest fears, and you have no method of self-assurance that you’re not who you used to be. But if we trust each other enough to be openly vulnerable, how could you still be that girl? There’s also the added bonus of having an actual Avenger to protect you.”

“I hate you,” she laughed softly and smacked his arm, “but you have a point. One night, that’s it. And you’re sleeping on the floor.”

…

“Nat, please, I know you’re in there somewhere.” Clint was lying at her feet, bloodied, bruised, a blade pressed to the soft flesh beneath his jaw, the knife clutched in her hand. She scanned the room, taking in the lifeless forms of Steve, Sam, Nick. This was her body, but it was full of someone else’s idea of who she should be, the brainwashed identity pulled from the depths of her mind.

“Fallaces sunt rerum species,” she hissed. With an expert flick of her wrist, she severed his jugular and watched him bleed out.

“Nat? Nat!”

She woke in a cold sweat to find Clint, alive and well, shaking her shoulders. It was dark, but the panic was clear in the shadowed lines of his face, and, after a moment, she realized she’d been crying.

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s over.” He laid down next to her and gently wiped her tears, his voice low and soothing.

“I—I killed you,” she whispered.

“Then I guess I’m the zombie now.” He grinned and instinctively flinched, expecting her to hit him.

“You’re an idiot.” Despite her best efforts, she smiled back and hoped he wouldn’t see. She cared far too much for this particular idiot, but letting that show was dangerous, a weakness she’d been trained not to let slip. But moments like these, when they were alone, allowed to be themselves, were treasured memories, the things she longed to dream about instead.

Natasha would never admit it, but Clint’s presence was comforting, so she let him stay in her bed. Curled up in his arms, her head resting on his chest, she let the steady rhythm of his heart lull her into the best sleep she’d had in weeks.

[beyond-the-mirror]

Remember that concept I made about V as the Phantom of the Opera?

So I decided to start on it because the idea was literally consuming me and I wouldn’t rest until I tried. This is a small introduction to the story so I hope you all like it.

As for my other fic Nocturnal Encounters, don’t worry! The next chapter is almost ready, just finishing the final part and polishing it (I know it’s taking me some time but english is not my native language so please be patient 😰)

Tagging @thedyingmoon and @minteyeddemon because they looked very excited for this thing, thanks for your support lovelies!

---

Prologue:  Meeting you

Another beautiful morning blessed the streets of Fortuna, the city bustling with activity and radiance. Along one of the main streets your little form ran, a bag of freshly baked bread on your arms. Your father had sent you to the bakery a while ago, and since you had been a very good child by helping him with the family music store, he even gave you some extra coins for you to buy your favorite chocolate filled pastry, and not just one but two of them!

Soon enough your running slowed down to a walk as you reached Fortuna’s Opera House, a magnificent building that stood proud and pristine among others. The rococo architecture never ceased to amaze you, the ornaments and decorations in the walls and statues carved in the purest gold you had ever seen in your life. You considered yourself lucky that your house was just a couple of streets away from the opera, every time you passed it you would always observe the building in complete awe and wonder.

Oh how you dreamed of performing there, music was your true calling after all. Maybe you could perform as a ballet dancer, you remembered how your instructor at the ballet academy would often praise your talent and skills, though what you really wanted to become was a singer. There was a bit of a problem though, as confident as you were with your dancing, the same couldn’t be said about your singing skills. The only ones who had ever heard you sing were your parents, and although they would always tell you that your voice was truly gifted and stunning, you definitely felt insecure about it.

Cutting your daydream short, you once again started walking towards your house, you didn’t want your parents worrying about you taking too long. However, as you passed the alley next to the opera house an abrupt noise startled you. Turning around towards the noise, you caught sight of a child running behind some wooden boxes, a fallen barrel near them being the source of it. You definitely didn’t expect seeing a child in such a dark alley, they must be lost or something like that you figured.

Carefully approaching the crates, you called out for the kid “Hello? Are you alright?”

After a few moments, a small head peaked from behind, but as soon as they noticed you looking at them, they immediately hid once again.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you. You can come out.” You called out as softly as possible, the kid was probably feeling scared or maybe they were just very timid.

Slowly but surely, the child eventually came out their hiding place. It was a boy, probably a couple of years older than you since he was very tall, his short black hair fell in graceful waves just above his chin, making a beautiful contrast with his milky white skin. A worn and battered shirt that looked too large for him covered most of his frail body, his trousers were torn at the ankles and his feet were barely covered by an old pair of sandals.

You made eye contact for a while before his gaze lowered towards the floor.

“Are you ok?”

You asked worryingly. The boy simply nodded silently.

“Are you lost?”

This time he shook his head.

“Oh. Then, where do you live?”

Without muttering a single word, he pointed towards the opposite wall of the alley. Following his finger, you noticed what looked like trapdoor, it was slightly open, revealing a set of stairs that lead to some sort of basement.

You were staring at the trapdoor in curiosity when a small rumble surprised you. Once you turned towards the boy, he was looking directly at the bread you were carrying while holding his tummy in slight embarrassment.

“Oh! Are you hungry?” Once the boy nodded confirming your suspicion, you immediately rummaged in the bag before pulling out what you were looking for. “Here! I want you to have this.”

You handed him one of the pastries you had bought for yourself, you figured that the child needed it more than you considering how thin he looked.

“This one’s filled with chocolate. They are freshly out of the oven and they are absolutely delicious! Try it.”

The child looked at the pastry and then at you. For the first time, he spoke “T-thanks… but… what about you?”

You felt your heart ache, this poor boy looked like he was starving and yet he still worried about you. You assured him that it was nothing and then pulled the other pastry from the paper bag.

“How about we eat together? If it’s okay with you that is.”

The boy nodded, an adorable blush tainting his cheeks and a slight smile appearing on his lips.

You both sat next to each other on top of the crates, eating your pastries in comfortable silence.

It was then that you realized something “Ah! How rude of me! I forgot to introduce myself!” Your mother would always lecture you about the importance of manners, of course sometimes your easily distracted self would often forget about them. After clearing your throat, you extended your free hand towards the boy. “My name is (Y/N), may I know yours too?”

He started at your hand for a moment before hesitantly raising his, taking your hand gently between his fingers. “… V”

“Vee?” You dragged a bit too much on the word “Like the letter? You have a very curious name but I like it! It sounds mysterious and pretty…”

The boy let out a soft chuckle, it sounded so authentic and adorable, and with that pink blush adorning his cheeks you couldn’t help but let out a small giggle too, glad that you managed to make him happy.

Now that you were looking at him more attentively, you noticed how pretty his eyes were. They were a deep but vibrant shade of green, like a precious gemstone or a forest full of life. His eyes were also a bit droopy, giving them an air of gentleness and calm you had never seen before. Such eyes you shall remember forever, there was no way you could ever forget about them.

You continued eating and simply enjoying each other’s presence, time seemed to have ceased existing for you both.

Every other day you would go to the alley to visit V, the two of you becoming close friends after that encounter. Sometimes you brought something for him to keep, like a warm blanket for the cold nights, some toys, and of course, your favorite pastries. Though he wasn’t very talkative, you were surprised to learn he was a quite polite speaker. His vocabulary and knowledge amazed you, it was as if he was being raised and educated by a noble family of the highest Rank. One day during one of your visits, he showed you his most treasured possessions, a book of poetry and a long, gorgeously crafted silver cane.

When V handed you his book you were fascinated by its contents. It was an anthology of William Blake’s prose, each poem beautifully illustrated. V told you that a kind woman who took care of him gifted it to him, and since that moment he promised to always keep it close to himself. However when you asked about the cane, V simply fell silent, that gentle smile of his transforming into an expression of sadness. Not wanting to press further, you tried to cheer him up instead by offering to read some poems together. V’s face once again lit up.

On another of your visits, you swore you saw something strange on him. You were both eating your chocolate filled pastries together when one of the long sleeves of V’s large dress shirt fell along his arm, revealing a small portion of his wrist and forearm. For a few instants, you managed to see a couple of black lines that flowed and swirled on his pale skin, like rivers of ink that moved freely on a clear canvas. As soon as V noticed, he instantly pulled his sleeve, covering the marks on his arm.

You wanted to ask him about it, but before you could mutter a sound, V turned away from you, curling over himself. Worry and concern took over you, making you get on your feet and kneeled in front of him. One of your hands took hold of his face with utmost care and cooing to him, he was visibly altered but your soft touch calmed him down a bit.

“Shhh V, it’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. “ His breathing eventually slowed down to a normal pace. Though you had curiosity to know what the lines on his skin meant, you respected his silence about it, you didn’t want to overwhelm him again.

He suddenly reached towards you and pulled you into a tight hug.

“Thank you (Y/N)… your kindness is infinite like the universe… you have been a wonderful friend.”

You hugged him back, his words making your heart flutter.

One day, you couldn’t find V in the alley any longer.

You kept returning hoping to find him again, sometimes you would leave something for him next to the trapdoor, but he wouldn’t come out.

You started to miss him deeply, oh how you worried about your dearest friend. When you met him he looked so lonely and shy, a deep longing lingering in his pretty eyes. You were glad when he started to slowly open his heart to you, and when you shared with him your dreams of becoming a dancer or a singer, he encouraged you to keep pursuing your career no matter what happened.

When your parents told you that you were moving out, your heart broke. Although you wouldn’t really leave the city, your new house was located a little far from the opera house, meaning that you wouldn’t have a chance to visit the alley and check if V was still there. That night you cried your heart out, wishing to see him just once before leaving. If only you could see those bright eyes again, and that adorable smile.

You arrived at the alley the day before your family moved out. V wasn’t there either, making you feel sad as you hoped you could see him one last time. Fearing this would happen, you had written a short note explaining why you wouldn’t visit for an indefinite time and how you will deeply miss him. Carefully you placed the note next to the slightly ajar door, as well as a red rose and a bag containing a few chocolate pastries, the ones that became your favorites for you both, before leaving with a terrible sadness in your heart.

You hoped that one day you both will be reunited, in the meantime you committed to memory the sight of his adorable smile as well as those precious eyes of his.

You would never forget those eyes.

[meenasmoon]

Can you do a Tarzan-themed Sing AU story? Where Meena is visiting the jungles of Africa for a class-trip for the Summer, and falls in love with an ape wearing a Jaguar-skin patterned loincloth named Johnny who has been raised in the jungle by the feral animals who lived their since infancy? (The song being "Nature Boy" by AURORA)

This is a little prologue to get a feel for the concept though you should know that I am quite intrigued anon. Well done on the prompt. I appreciate the song suggestion as well. It helped bring this to life however I used the Nat King Cole original:

To Love and Be Loved

“Are you sure about this honey?” Leslie Jones asked for what felt like the millionth time, her hands gripping the steering wheel tightly and her ears were pulled in close to her head. She looked over at her daughter who was hugging her backpack and looking out the window nervously. Meena was silent for a minute as she stared out the window at the small charter plane. Her various classmates were gathered around their teacher as airline employees loaded suitcases into the the luggage compartment of the small plane.

“Yeah mom.” She whispered, her voice laced with uncertainty but her words contradicted with her worried blue eyes. Leslie opened her mouth to try to convince her daughter to stay but before she could say anything Meena was practically leaping over the console to hug her mother. Leslie’s worried gaze melted into an affectionate smile. She gently patted her daughters back and after a few minutes Meena released her from her death grip.

“Let’s go baby. You’re gonna miss your flight.” Leslie winked at Meena who gave her a nervous smile, her ears remaining tucked close to her head as she took a deep breath and got out of the car. Leslie followed Menna around to the back of the car where she was hefting a heavy duffel bag onto her shoulder. Once the bag was in place Leslie gripped her daughters hand and led her over to where the school group was now boarding the plane.

When the hyena holding a clipboard saw Meena she gave her a big smile and checked off her name on the list before turning to console a worried mother.

Leslie tightened her grip on Meena’s hand as she started to go up the stairs. Meena looked back in confusion but her face softened when she saw the tears in her mother’s eyes. She immediately stepped down and pulled her mother into a another tight hug, her eyes misting up slightly with emotion.

“I love you mama.” She whispered and Leslie choked back a sob. Slowly she released Meena and cupped her face in her hands.

“I love you too baby girl. Be safe. Call me when you get there.” She fretted, fiddling with Meena’s jacket and straightening her clothes. Meena laughed and gently pushed away her mother’s hands.

“I’ll be fine mama. No need to worry.” She kissed her mom on the cheek and then ran up the stairs onto the plane. She found her seat in the large mammal section near the middle of the small plane and looked out the window. She found her mom scanning the windows and waved until she got her attention.

Leslie watched as her daughter waved from the window and frantically fought the sinking feeling that rested like a boulder in her stomach. Instead she pasted on a fake smile and watched the metal beast take her only child, her precious girl, far away.

Meena looked out the window of the plane, her headphones feeding her a constant stream of her favorite music. She could see miles of deep blue ocean inching past and she couldn’t stand to tear her gaze away. It was such a mesmerizing myriad of blues that she couldn’t help but feel like there was magic down there somewhere.

As the flight dragged on Meena found her eyelids growing heavy with sleep. She fought it as long as she could but the soothing voice of Bat King Cole lulled her to sleep with a haunting but soothing melody.

There was a boyA very strange enchanted boyThey say he wandered very far, very farOver land and seaA little shy and sad of eyeBut very wise was he

Her dreams were a whirlwind of fanciful blues mixed wit lush greens and the song invaded her dreams as it painted a blurry picture. A dark figure taking her hand and leading her away from the blue and into the green. Suddenly the green was all around but everytime she tried to focus on the scene new colors would distract her fickle mind. She was in a wonderland of new experiences and her guide, there was something special about her guide. She tried to focus on him and suddenly her brain was distracted by a barrage of scents, sounds and feelings.

She felt the kiss of raindrops, the whisper of soft fur carressing her smooth skin. At the same time she heard what could only be described as the sounds of…life. Primitive bird calls, rushing water, dancing wind, rustling foliage. It overwhelmed her until she was floating in a blur of sensory overload.

And just as suddenly she was jerked out of her blissful sleep.

She awoke to absolute chaos. The plane was shaking violently and around her she could hear the faint screams of her classmates. Meena’s gaze darted to the window but all she could see was the darkness of angry storm clouds as they suffocated the plane. Suddenly, with a groan of metal and the sputtering of an engine the plane took a sharp dip.

Meena gripped the arms rests of her seat so hard that she could feel the plastic give slightly. Her heart was pounding in her throat and her lungs were frantically trying to keep up with her panicked pace. She was a wreck but all she could focus on was that damned window. She could only pray for the darkness to give way to the beautiful blue that had calmed her so, but t was to no avail.

Suddenly she was thankful that she had been too nervous to eat as the plane took another significant dip and her stomach flip flopped painfully in response.

And then one dayA magic day he passed my way

Suddenly the darkness was broken and she was surrounded by green and a grand cacophony as the mysterious green tore apart the metal invader. Winds were wrenched off and just as quickly as she fell from the sky the plane was being destroyed.

Meena could only watch as the walls were ripped from around her and her seatbelt held fast as her entire seat was yanked from the body of the plane and thrown into the green.

Meena screamed as she tumbled helplessly, the fabric of the seatbelt digging into her tough hide as she crashed through this branches. She closed her eyes and tried not to panic as her descent slowed and she gradually became stuck in the tangled limbs of her leafy savior.

Once she realized that she had stopped the roaring in Meena’s ears began to fade and her vision swam as she was drenched by rain and an almost constant stream of frantic tears. She looked around, her sobs echoing solemnly in the peaceful quiet that the rain brought to the jungle. She couldn’t see anything more than a foot in front of her and the darkness began to join the silence in suffocating her.

And while we spoke of many things:Fools and kingsThis he said to me

She begged herself to say something, do something, anything that would alleviate her overflowing terror. Her body refused to respond for a moment and she became painfully aware of a ringing ache on her head. Her forehead was covered in thick warm liquid and her limited vision was starting to swim dangerously.

“Hello?” She croaked out in a hoarse voice filled with pain, terror, and loneliness. There was no response.

So she tried again, this time louder and with increasing fervor, “Hello!”

Once again she was ignored and her sobs began to take over her voice, making it soft and broken under the musical pattering of rain. She was almost drowned out but a sudden strength gave her the ability to cry out once more despite her fading consciousness and hope.

“Hello?” She cried out and collapsed back into her seat, her body aching and darkness overtaking her. This time, however, the jungle decided to answer her call.

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learnIs just to love and be loved in return”

She felt an eerily familiar soft but strong hand unbuckle her and lift her into a warm embrace. She could faintly see a flash of cheeta print cloth and midnight hair but her vision decided to fail her in that moment. But her ears stayed open long enough to hear a warm, curious voice imitate her call.

“Hello.”

[dermaisminor]

What is identity really? It’s some vague mix of hobbies, beleifs, who I love, how I love, and what I do. It’s what time I wake up, how much sleep I get and the scariest endvor I could make. It’s the oldest dream I can remember, and the smells that I can recall so easily. Identity is vague and tasteless but it’s something you yearn for deeply.

It’s the thousands of pages of books I have devoured, and the thousands of pages I have penned. It’s the oldest, longest held dream I’ve ever had it’s the reason I cried myself to sleep in highschool, it’s how I walked into a church and so easily absorbed what I heard.

Identity is the blurry lines I’ve drawn through the world conecting little dots of bright light that stand out only to me in the darkness, drawing constellations in my soul, designs that one must squint at too hard with one eye to see the whole picture. It’s my first love, it’s the man I chose to marry. It’s the people I gave parts of my heart to and revived an abundance back from.

It’s the thoughts I think staring at the black and white pebbly grain of the sidewalk, the thoughts I always think, that hang there like a memorized story, published years ago and known so much better than the burn of exertion in my lungs. The private stories about the world only I remember, inside jokes with myself.

It’s the friendships that ended for my faults and the wrong ideas I held like candles to my path, lighting my perceptions, and the friendships I recall and wish to show them look how I’ve changed, though it’s all in vain. It’s the friends I remember in dreams that make my heart ache from the loss, and the friends I never think about, who’s leavings in my life are nothing more than breath upon my cheek.

It’s the thoughts I think when I cannot sleep and the position that puts me asleep the fastest. It’s the movies I’ll never watch just as much as it is the movies I’ve seen, and especially the ones that rocked my core and leave my mind aching to change the world.

It’s the ache to influence people, and the knowledge that to most I am invisible. It’s the group I watch on the fringes of acceptance, and the distance created with every breath. It’s my inflexibility and flexibility. It’s the way I have been influenced and who I’ve allowed to influence me.

It’s the taste of the chapstick I prefer, my favorite food, my favorite drink, my favorite icecream flavor, and every other preference one could have. It’s which foods I like combined and which ones I’ll never consider. Identity is the meals I grew up eating and the ones I’ll pass down to my children.

It’s the taste in my mouth and soul that my favorite music leaves behind.the wanderlust that haunts my heart and the prose that dances with the wind onto pages that may never be seen again.

It’s the words that come to mind when I should be falling asleep. The words that won’t let me sleep. The words I know will dissapear if i don’t write them down. It’s the words I’ve written that I can hold in my hand and marvel at. And it’s the words I thought and lost and morn for into the void.

It’s the crispness of my annoyance, the hunger in my core. It’s the fire of my anger and the coolness of indifference. It’s the unfavomableness of my love, and the breath I can not breath when I look at my children.

It’s the loss of ghosting by the firsts of my eldest, tiny things stolen by mental illness, it’s the pills that let me be his mother. It’s the daughter I hold to my breast and cherish so much more in the moment. It’s the stark difference between the memory of my first borns first months and that of my second born. The wounds of theft depression has wreaked upon my life. It’s the bottomless pit of loss I feel looking in their eyes, what life would be without them, and the things I can’t remember forever, like the sweet scent of newness their heads and hands carry that first week. The joy of accomplishment and their look for approval. First steps, first words, first bites… their slow awakening into the world.

My identity lies in my mental illness and the pills I take. it lies in the breaths I take. It’s the side effects. dehydration weight loss, energy, insomnia, hunger. It’s the missing peice of my medical cocktail, and the clean breaths I take on the Good Days ™. It’s the coil I’m wound on when my anxiety holds me, most days, barring me from essentials like working and speaking and friendships and feeding my child in public. It’s the nails I’ve long forgotten how to bite, in return for the wounds I wreak across my skin. The sores that won’t fade the open wounds that simply exist. And hole I bite into my cheek when watching a movie in the theatre. It’s the Bad Days ™. Where getting out of bed nearly doesn’t happen, where sitting on the couch is the most I can manage, just to watch my child grow, and ache for what I’m missing. It’s the dishes that remain unwashed and laundry that was folded and forgotten. The clothes in the wash that find the dryer several days later. It’s the darkness I keep myself in when depression wraps its strong arms around me. It’s the anger that brews in my bones that I try to rationalize away, but yet can not shake.

It’s the life raft I find through technology, to rescue me from social distress, late night bordum, and lost thoughts. It’s the constant reminder that the world is a hateful place, and a reminder of the good and pure things I find. It’s the hundreds of people on my friends list and the five who would notice my absence. It’s the people who have taken me off their friends list who I remember between thoughts. It’s the communities built that tumble away with age and the friendships and stories that linger on those pages, ideas implanted in those groups that stay with you for years to come. It’s the mask you wear in every instance changing with every person you speak to.

Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of moments. Silent and loud, slow and fast, memorable and unmemorable. Sad and happy, painful and joyful. Things that happened last year and the year before that I may never remember. The impact that that hurricane of ideas and beliefs and concepts leaves on my person, the flooding of realization and the damage felt when recognizing my flaws.

It’s the question I still ask knowing all of this. The words that burn through the marvelous painting of life, charring through and weakening my bones. A question that despite this long detailed but vauge answer I still have no clue. The question I ask in the dead of night, Who am I?

[ecotone99]

[RO] My favorite love story of all time

I want to talk about my favorite love story of all time. It has a happy ending, probably.

Pushing Daisies is the best televised love story of all time. When I was a kid, people talked about Ross and Rachel from Friends, when I was a teenager and into adulthood it was always Jim and Pam from The Office. But Pushing Daisies did it all better. It was so perfectly bitter sweet, it's bitterness only serves to amplify and enhance it's sweetness. It's sweetness opened your heart up to feel and then that bitterness sank in to ache and throb. But it was a good ache, an ache you almost don’t want to let go of.

So, if you haven't seen it, Pushing Daisies is a high-concept, crime-procedural, fairy tale, dramedy (pick a lane, right?). It is about a pie-maker that brings the dead back to life, the girl he loves that he brought back to life, and their detective friend that uses their talents to solve crimes. And it is amazing. It may not sound like it, but it absolutely is in a way that I will never be able to adequately describe.

It wasn't on for long, it was unjustly cancelled due to delays brought on from the 2008 writers strike (and maybe it didn't necessarily have the “high viewership” that a network wants to see). But I started watching it at 16. It didn't resonate with me at the time quiet as hard as it would later. I don't think I was ready to get it yet. I enjoyed it but it didn't imprint on me yet. About a year after the show was cancelled, I found the series on DVD at Walmart for incredibly cheap. I watched the series and was instantly reminded of how great it was. This was 2010, I was 19 years old, and I had just watched the greatest, saddest, happiest love story of my whole life.

So around the same time as all of this, I guess it started when I was 14-17, I was talking to this amazing girl. We joked that because I was Filipino and she was Japanese that our babies would be Jalapeños (teenagers in love are kind of obnoxious). I was writing these dumb short stories about us as the main characters in a video game that we loved (she always made accompanying art), we did dumb things that teenagers in love do, right?

But she lived in Kentucky and I lived several hundred miles away, not in Kentucky. After a few months, relief came in the form of an uncle that took a job in her state. I visited my uncle in Kentucky sometimes and so I got to see her, got to meet her, got to hang out with her. She was the first girl I hugged (nice, right?) and the first girl I held hands with. When you’re in a ridiculously Christian-conservative homeschooled household those are pretty big landmarks. I fantasized about what we would do when we weren't kids. When we were older, smarter, more stable adults.

But then she got a real boyfriend, which was... yeah, it hurt a little. The stupid teenage me saw all of those fantasies suddenly go up in flames but I really cared about her. So I kept talking to her anyway, it didn't matter, I was just a kid anyway, I told myself, it wasn't like we could do anything right now anyway. We were 250 miles away from each other.

She started complaining to me about her boyfriend all the time and stopped writing stories about us as the heroes of some made up fairy tale land. It felt kind of good when she would tell me that she wished I could be her boyfriend, so everything was still good, I thought. I could do this, I could handle this.

That show, Pushing Daisies, ties in right now. Not directly, but it would. I was about 16 now, and watching it, and I saw a lot of myself in the show so I kept watching it. The pie-maker that could bring people back to life by touching them? He had to touch them again to kill them or else someone else random would die. They got one minute for free, to be back alive, but anything after that cost the life of one random other person. So the girl that he loved that he brought back to life? He could never touch her or she would die. They loved each other but it was complicated.

I felt like that though. I loved this girl that I was never going to touch. (That's a lie, she was the first girl I held hands with.) But we were so far away that I felt like that.

But it didn't last forever because she told me that her boyfriend took her to one of those highschool dances? Her first prom, I think. And then afterwards she had sex for the first time. No big deal, everyone has sex, I didn't see why she was telling me but I still listened, it got more complicated. They didn't use protection and so she was pregnant. I guess that the only way he would stay with her was if she stopped talking to me (they talked about me a lot, I guess, or at least she made it sound that way). So she told me that she was going to stop talking to me for at least a little while. Hang in there though, reader, the ending is a good one, I think.

Turns out it was even shorter than we both expected because he ended up breaking up with her anyway. So yeah, she started talking to me again but she was afraid now. Afraid of being a parent, afraid of letting her parents down, afraid of so much, really. She didn’t need to be though, she was always ridiculously smart. She was already on track to graduate highschool early so she started dual-enrolling in college courses, she ended up getting her degree before I even had the chance to drop out of college.

I don’t know a ton really, after her son was born she slowly stopped talking to me. It made sense, she had to grow up really fast and I was still (and still kind of am) very much a stupid kid that didn’t want to grow up at all. Our lives were radically different and she didn’t have fun raising her kid and talking to some other kid. So I get that. I still had a lot of unresolved feelings but I got it.

About 4 years later, when I was 22 and working a job I hated but in a relationship I kind of liked, she sent me a message on facebook messenger. She told me about how her son was doing, about her current boyfriend that she was really unhappy with and some other stuff. I really wanted to listen and I wanted to be there for her. I definitely still had strong feelings about her because I’m too emotionally stunted to ever let something go. But I was just starting a new relationship, so I think I was probably dismissive, and probably petty too because I’m sure I resented that she stopped talking to me on some level. So she kind of just stopped talking to me again.

A couple of years later, I looked her up, I just googled her name and it pulled up this blog she was writing and some youtube videos she had uploaded and it made my heart kind of hurt but I didn’t do anything about it… Until I did. I sent her an email one night while I was feeling depressed, which was dumb, but I didn’t make my self sound depressed. I let myself feel neurotic because reaching out to a girl your were in love with ten years ago felt neurotic, but she always laughed at that sort of thing before.

She responded.

We talked for about a month, I told her how I had really felt about her, she told me that she was married now. And we kept talking. And it was amazing. But it was also over, right? How could it not be definitively done now? Could I move on now?

I'm asking because I really don't know.

What I do know is this, I loved this TV show about a guy who could never really be with the person he loved. Also, I was a guy who could never really be with this person that he loved. It just felt like an interesting symmetry to all happen at the same time.

The thing is though, there is no real lesson here, I think. I don’t feel like I learned anything. Maybe just that you need to go through some weird, difficult chapters of life to grow as a person? I like that lesson I guess. But it feels like an easy, sort of vague, lesson which cheapens the experience a little. Maybe that’s the lesson: don’t put too much value on your own shit. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m smart enough to really figure this one out.

I do fantasize about us meeting up again, when we’re old, old enough to slow down for each other... And it seems like that will never happen, but it helps to think about it anyway sometimes. It could happen. Because this story has a happy ending, you know, probably?

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