#somehow we encapsulated all of tumblr in this post

[harleiquina]

Argentina won't turn into Hell that's what the *actual* fascists want you to believe.

A summary (trust me, I left so many things outside this post in a vain attempt to make it shorter) of what is going on in my country and why "the Far Right" has won.

I've seen many meltdowns on Tumblr about how everyone (especially the Queer community) is terrified, asking others to help them out. And it's painting a view of my country that is quite similar to the lives of those under Real Dictatorships (think North Corea, at least) and that makes my eyes roll because if us argentinos are one thing that is over the top. Go ahead, blame our Italian heritage, we do it all the time.

The first thing that I want to point out to the World is that the concepts of "Left" and "Right" are heavily polluted in my country. They've reached the point of "good" and "bad" without any critical thought behind it. And it was possible thanks to decades of a political party sucking the life and money from us: the Peronismo.

At the very begining:

Remember the "don't cry for me Argentina?" whether you are thinking of the Broadway's Musical or the movie inspired by it you are also thinking of Eva Perón. Pity that reality is a thing and nobody is perfect.

The Gral. Juan Domingo Perón came to be after being part of a military coup (something every single peronista forgets) that helped him to become relevant among the workers which lead him to his victory on the elections. He followed Mussolini's footsteps and allowed many Germans *if you catch my drift* to come and seek refuge in Argentina (before the end of the WW2 the Luna Park Stadium in Buenos Aires-usually used for boxing matches- held the largest N*zi meeting outside Germany with 70.000 supporters). He was also known for going after many women (is pretty much confirmed that one of his mistresses was 15 years old when he was over 40... or maybe 50) many of them were actresses that ended up leaving the country to escape from him and the Peronismo altogether. BUT since he approved a few laws -created and championed by the opposition years before- that helped the workers (8hrs shift, paid vacation, and such) and built a few -heavily- needed things he was The Greatest Guy Ever™️.

And Evita does not stay back. She earned the title "the standar-bearer of the poor" because of her many charities... that weren't real charities either. She would call toy or sewing machines factories and others to pressure them to give up merchandise for her to donate. What's wrong with that? That 1) an honest person would buy those items to donate them and 2) that she would send the AFIP (our IRS) to inspect and elaborate cases against the owners that denied to "help her" even if there wasn't a single pencil out of place. That's called blackmail, kids. And somehow (on the President's salary and her savings?) she had the biggest jewellry collection in Latinamerica and always dressed up with Chanel (yes, she was an actress but other actresses at the time were a hundred times more successful and did not spend THAT much money on their every-day outfits). I read her book and she does say that she wore modest clothes when meeting with her "shirtless" (a endearing? nickname both her and Perón used when talking about their followers) and that she "hated" wearing expensive clothes... and she says a lot of things as well that would scare the hard-core feminists that have a tattoo of her face somewhere in their bodies: Evita wasn't a feminist, 👏🏻read 👏🏻the👏🏻 goddamned👏🏻 book!! 👏🏻

The Peronismo built a movement out of an utopy? oximoron? the promise of finding the perfect balance between Capitalism and Socialism. It created the concept of "Patreon Goverment" (had to adapt it to English, the literal title is "Estado Bienestar" that could be translated to "Wellfare State" but it doesn't really encapsulates the real meaning) and the idea that the Goverment shouldn't just care for the overall of people but for every single individual person, so basically to get the State inside the houses instead of securing the good of the country in general. You might think that is ok-ish but in long term is a TERRIBLE idea.

Creating their voters

I once read the line "The Peronismo breaks your legs and then gives you clutches, so you are eternally greatful to them for the clutches" and whoever said it nailed it.

Perón & Evita always gave stuff to people who pledged loyalty to them in return. In here we have the word "clientelism" for this tactic: you give something and people gives you their vote and still happens to this day. And yes, you've guessed, within the Peronismo.

Now bear in mind that I don't mean that the State can't or shouldn't help people with food or basic clothing/items or even money when needed... but they always do it when their popularity is going down. You could argue that Evita gave sewing machines for those struggling women that needed to find a way to provide for their families but the overall endgame was to gain voters. Even in her book she claims that only "useful"* women should have kids... to end up in Perón's ranks. No other reason.

*Evita divides women in 2 groups: The Useful Woman (typical 1950s woman that takes care of herself, her family and is -kinda- well educated, maybe even went to College) and The Un-Useful woman which was basically a lazy one, this kind of woman shouldn't procreate (according to her) because she adds no value to the loyal soldiers of the General. Oh! How the turntables! But we'll speak about this later.

In addition of conditioning the most vulnerable groups to receive stuff in exchange for a vote (in people's minds if they don't remain In-Office, no-one will ever give them anything again) the education began its ongoing decay.

To give you an idea:

My grandmother in the 1940s saw stuff in 1st grade (aged 6) that my mom, in the late 1970s saw in 3rd grade (aged 8) and that I saw in the early 2000s in 5th grade (aged 10).

Education should always make you aim higher and not below average. It used to be normal for kids at the end of the year to see an few basic concepts they would have to study next year but this practice is long gone... kids start the year re-learning things from last year.

Argentina in 1930 practically had eradicated illiteracy, it held (if my memory doesn't fail) the 2% of illiteracy among citizens and it was the lowest percentage in Latinamerica. Even if you watch movies from 1930-1950 you'll see that they even tossed around some lines in English, Portuguese, Italian and even French... and this were the type of movies that everybody could see and understand (so nothing too high brow) starred by popular idols of the time.

Now our kids can't read or understand a text nor do basic math... bah! I keep saying "kids" as if my own generation is any smarter (I'm 31, btw). I was 20something in College, one of my classmates was 33 at the time and he didn't know what an index was or the purpose of it on a book, the rest of the class (about 30 people between 18 to 25) never noticed that 2 lists of 12 rules in Marketing were the same (but written in sinonyms, obviously) that we had to study for Managment and this people supposedly had a better education than me because I went to Public School my whole life (minus College) and they all went to Private Schools.

In 2022 15% of kids didn't end Highschool and we are getting high numbers on those that abandon Elementary School as well. There is no point for them to study because there have been about 3 or 4 generations that receive everything they need from the Goverment... why would they aspire to be something more? There's no need for that. And that's exactly what peronistas want: people too blinded by their miserable lives (that are good lives according to what they are told) to actually care about anything else.. It is a Capital Sin to try and become your own boss in a business or try and own anything at all like a home. Seriously my neighbours hate my family because we are the legal owners of our house... and they want our house for them because they think they are entitled to it -?!-.

So a mass of uneducated people that lives off gifts was created and this is the same people that votes for them every single time.

Of course, there are others that are not *that* easy to convince and this is where the maquiavelic plan is set to motion. Some people are looking to better their lives and their communities', and since these are large communities they equal to a large amount of votes.

That's how women got their vote. Everybody keeps thanking Evita for the female vote but who always championed for it was one of the most prominent feminists of our history Alicia Moreau de Justo (among many others since circa 1914, of course). The reason why the Law of Female Sufrage was approved in 1946 was because there was a strong opposition to Perón after his first term that could mean in him not being re-elected. So he needed more votes... hmm... I wonder how could he get those numbers? Got it! Make women vote, they most likely will vote for that one that allowed them to do so. Something similar happened around 2010 with Cristina Kirchner allowing 16 year olds (and up) to vote when the law was for those above 18.

Over the last couple of decades many social concerns took the spotlight and were legalized (same-sex marriage, abortion, the equivalent to Social Security, you name it) and they are atributed to the Peronismo/Kircherismo (a new branch born out of the Kirchners -husband and wife that became presidents and ruled for 12 years + their return in 2019 with our current president Alberto Fernández. So 16 years in power-) even if this projects were born on the opposition or independent organizations.

Even the Abortion legalization was a result of Macri (president between 2015-2019) a "Far Right" leader that said: "even if I don't agree with this project, its a conversation that our country needs to have" before allowing the Congress discuss it. What kind of "Alt-Right" leader lets such a divisive project be approved? Or better yet: what kind of "Left" leader like Cristina Kirchner, a woman that was in-office for 8 years, didn't send that project to Congress as soon as she took over because she wasn't *that* convinced about it?

The Peronismo/Kirchnerismo has convinced everyone that they are the Left and that anyone else that stands against them is the Right... the Ultra-right... because being just "The Right" isn't scary enough for some.

Corruption

While people is seemingly happy still living in dirt roads, with kids eating literal garbage and with no access to drinkable water, all the money that should've gone to different infraestructures was just there lying around... crying for someone's embrace... so of course the politicians decided that the money would be safe, warm and cozy in their own pockets.

My country is rich. We can have all kinds of industries because we have all weathers and enviroments: jungle, deserts, sea, mountains, fields, lakes, cities... and yet many of my fellow countrymen are starving, especially the Originary People (Native Americans). But the idea that whoever can invest in anything here is a vulture that doesn't care about their workers as long as money keeps pouring into their pockets was imposed throughout generations now by the Peronistas. (Mind you, I am fully aware that this kind of people does exist but it doesn't mean that every single business owner is like that, especially when speaking of PYMEs -Small and Medium Size Enterprises, in Spanish- that are the most popular model in my country. So basically family businesses)

Just last week Formosa's Governor (one of our poorest provinces), peronista clearly, publicly scolded a poor Wichí woman that sells her crafts online to the world (I wasn't able to find her name or her business' but is part of a program named Womek by the Foundation Gran Chaco that connects and educates people from native communities in how to use internet and build a business in it, among other things). I swear if you could either hear or read his words -it's all in Spanish and I don't feel like translating, sorry- you'll see a clear case of Gaslighting... and this happens everywhere.

The message is clear: How dare you go out to find something better if you have everything you need in here? And all of this while they have the most expensive cars, watches, houses and travel around the globe.

In this final election the phrase "what Rights will Milei take away? We don't have any!" Became almost a motto among people in the lower classes (just the few that are opening their eyes to the life they could have)

This meme sums it up perfectly: "Milei will take everything I built away"

The people is angry

Milei won because people is done with the corruption (the Kirchneristas didn't even counted the money they stole... they weighted it. They knew how many dollars equal 1 kilo -half a pound- can you imagine how insane that is? They moved such large amounts of money that there was no time to count it, so they weighted it), the insecurity and also because people is tired of seeing our country falling apart.

Socially, the large uncultured masses don't do anything else but grow bigger (the whole "Un-useful women" came back to bite Eva in her a$$ because these women are the ones that are feeding the Peronista/Kirchnerista movement today), the other half -the working class- always has to pay for the party.

My grandfather retired at age 65, if I'm not wrong, but one or two years later a law was approved where if a retired person kept working, they would receive a bigger compensation once they finally retired. So he went back to work... and worked until I finished College (he would take the bus with me everyday so I wouldn't do it alone due to the insecurity) at his 83 years old. Once he decided to retire "for real" I went with him to the bank and Social Services so he could arrange his compensation. I was there when he was told "Sorry, grandpa, all the money you've made ended up in the different Social Plans. You won't see a cent" and this happened to all retired people.

All the workers have to pay taxes that do not end in needed improvements (like remodeling schools, hospitals, roads and such) every single Peso we give them ends up in Clientelism or in their own pockets (it is very well known fact in Latinamerica that you are not a real Socialist unless you have a Rolex on your wrist and lots of gold at home). Even if you take a plane to travel you have to pay a 2nd ticket in taxes alone to support both things... so of course people is pissed. Of course we want them Out of Office. And this doesn't make us "Far Right".

Is Milei the argentinian Tr*mp?

I'd say no.

As a Publicist, Milei never quite jelled for me. He's eccentric, sometimes agressive (but not in a way that equals violence or physical threats. If I say Agressive I can also mean Passionate), and... bizzarre just to say something. He's laser focused on our economy and nothing else... his team has some... odd... pieces that I don't like and that's where some level of fear might be born. However, is Milei who'll have the last word and the Opposition (a really big one even if he has some allies in it) will not just give in into his every whim.

After watching interviews and hearing him speak I'm starting to suspect that maybe he is within the autistic spectrum. Of course, I'm not the right person to say so... but the way he moves, how he explains everything in so much detail (but still accessible to anyone in his "University Professor" demeanor, something he proudly brings up every time) and the fact that his older sister is his corner stone and guide that keeps him going and coaches him on how he should behave adds up to my theory.

I do believe that he is honest... at least the part that wants to fix our country. He doesn't sugar-coats what he says, which is awful for us but good at the same time because Macri refused to do so back in 2015 and it costed him greatly.

One thing that I dislike about him is that Economy is his jam and tries to apply it to everything. He doesn't think much from any other point of view, but more like "if I cut this off, I'll have money to use in X". The other day in an interview said something like "Why should I absorb the deficit of the State's TV Channels and Radio when I can use that money to feed the kids?" which is not wrong (and by the way, this is not a Right-wing-nutjob type of speech) but in this case it works... I'm not so sure about every single problem around here. Only time will tell.

Yeah... but he is in line with Tr*mp and Bolsonaro and supports Israel.

To be fair, I do not know if he ever said anything about Biden or Obama, not even about Tr*mp (I'm not his follower, I haven't watched every single interview he's ever given). It is understandable that a country like mine would aspire to be like the USA. I do not know if Milei likes any of the economical decisions that *that* administration executed. But, in my opinion, Tr*mp has a lot more in common with the Kirchners than with Milei... even down to the point of ranting in Twitter (sorry, X) at any time. Tr*mp is a populist and Milei is against Populism.

I've heard Milei saying that he is not homophobic (time will tell), I've seen how he trusts and protects the women in his movement so I wouldn't label him as a misogynist either. His team, however, does have some rotten apples.

Why are they there? I dare to say because he needed people to fill in his list so it was a matter of quantity over quality. He's been in the political arena for 2 years... nothing compared to any other politician in my country, most of them started around 1983 (The Return of Democracy) or started with Perón back in the 1940s. Macri was also an outsider, but still, he started in politics in 2011 when he ran for Mayor of CABA (Autonomous City of Buenos Aires) so even now he's been on the field for 12 years and knows better. Hopefully, with time, Javier Milei will be able to pick and choose who he really wants next to him instead of settling for anyone that offers their help.

About Bolsonaro. Yes, he does have a relationship with him... because both countries faced the same enemy: Populism. People, I think the Bolsonaro is a terrible person... still I can't believe that Lula won again. Wasn't there another option? Why going back with the executioner? You were supposed to escape that fate, mate!

The so-called Socialism in Latinamerica is dirty. It steals from people, overpowers the Sindicates and they use that power to jeopardize a country's economy and even bring down goverments (in Argentina, since Perón's first presidency no other political sign ended its mandate. Macri was the exception because Social Networks allowed movements to show him support and the many attempts to bring him down failed) they dumb-down the people and want to close the doors to the world even though we live in the era of Globalization. No country is an island (figure of speech) that can do things on its own. We need to connect and sell our products outside our borders, that's the way to achieve a estable economy.

So, of course that he will try and connect to those that are fighting the same battle. Does it means that they are besties, doing each other's hair and that he agrees 100% to anything Bolsonaro has ever said? No, it doesn't.

About Israel.

Our history with Israel and the Jewish community reached the major peak of support in 1992 and 1994 when the Israel Embassy and the AMIA (a jewish association) suffered a terrorist attack (a car-bomb in each one) at the hands of Iran.

This was 31 years ago, the names of those involved are very well known but they are not in jail. The District Attorney Alberto Nisman was killed (or killed himself according to the Kirchneristas 🙄) the day before he was going to Court to show how the goverments and especifically Cristina Kirchner's were involved in the cover up that allowed the perpetrators to remain free.

So... we kind of owe Israel justice.

Milei is working into being converted to Judaism and if we add our history with both creed and country, of course he'll be on their side.

In any case, he's denying the 30k disappeared and supports the 1976's Dictatorship

As a side note: all media here covers what the international media says about the Israel conflict with Palestine. So just one side of the story and the brainwash is hard. Hell! I've even tried to explain mom about the reality of what is going on but she oversimplified everything to "If the Left supports them (Palestinians), then it's wrong" (because, as I said, the concepts of Left and Right are very contaminated in here and is really hard to get rid of the Peronista Stench).

Just a small personal note here: I'm not Jewish, clearly (I'm Agnostic) so I don't know anything about territorial history and/or rights on land based on that religion. But I do know that saying "X country shouldn't exist", name it Israel, USA, Argentina... or any country in the world -lets face it all of them are based on wars and extermination, no matter how far back you go in history- doesn't ring well (especially when someone is a Public figure) it is almost an invitation to war or genocide altogether because "that country shouldn't exist". I believe that as long as a country doesn't go back to the times of expeditions to gain land or to show power or stir fake-patriotism because its people is unhappy with a goverment (as Israel, Russia and USA -mostly- do) they should be respected. Let their own people choose their fate, like it happened to Yugoslavia or Czechoslovakia, they decided to split up and create new countries out of it. If they step out of the rules, they of course should be held accountable and there are many ways to do so and trying to erase it ain't one of them (it's usually economical and global punishments. Ask Cuba). Germany didn't stopped existing after WW2, Israel won't stop existing after this... the best next thing will be to educate as many people as you can and pray -if that's your thing- for all it inhabitants to understand and take action on how their future should be and how to make ammends with those they've wronged. End of communication, let us continue.

For those of you that didn't know, Argentina and many other Latinamerican countries suffered Military Coups in the 70s. All of them were part of the Condor Plan elaborated by the USA.

My country suffered many Dictatorships but the one between 1976 and 1983 was the worst of them all.

It all began after Perón's death, when his widow, Isabel, ended up being the President (because she was his vice-president). At the time, the Peronistas had 2 major guerrillas: Montoneros and the Triple A.

Montoneros worked mostly as a terrorist group and the Triple A was more like a Service of Intelligence (allowed to kidnap, torture and even kill those against Perón).

So we had local terrorism and a economical debacle. The perfect Petri Dish for a Military Coup.

In order to "fight" this terrorists, the militars kidnapped, tortured and disappeared many "leaders" BUT once they were being "arrested" their possesions would be taken and if they had a notebook with phone numbers and adresses of friends, classmates (many were university students) or even handy-men all of them would be turned into targets as well and suffered the same fate. Once the Democracy returned, we had the Trial of the Juntas that you can see in the movie Argentina 1985. Many cases landed on the laps of the Distric Attorneys so they decided to stop counting after 8 thousand disappeared otherwise the Trial would never start. So those 8.000 are like the "official" victims. Still the people decided to close the number in 30.000 for those that didn't make it into the final count and those that maybe nobody reported as disappeared. The actual number could be less than 30k, or maybe more... we will never know, but it is not wrong to say that there are 8k victims (that's the confirmed number) or 30k (a simbolic number).

Since our education at school only says "soldiers bad, victims good" a lot of people that didn't lived back then does not know the nuances of why this happened. Trying to bring the true version of History afloat is not denying that it happened but broadening the picture and showing some nasty sides with it.

Once the Militars were losing power they decided to evoke our sense of fake patriotism by starting a war against the UK (mostly England) over the Malvinas Islands (or Fakland Islands), a very old conflict that began in the 1830s. Everybody was on board until news from the front arrived. The Dictators sent literal kids to fight with no equipment to survive the cold, nor food or good weapons (we are talking about using weapons from the WW2 in 1982). Many soldiers died both in the battlefield and their homes because they just couldn't cope with the horrors experienced and took their own lives. We all hate the treatment our veterans had to endure and still go through today because some people is like "they were part of the Dictatorship, they were soldiers and deserved to die because they are fascists" completely ignoring the fact that this kids never wanted to be soldiers, they were drafted to do the Mandatory Military Service just to be sent to war a few months later.

And guess what? Milei's vice-president is the daughter of one of those soldiers. So of course she wants her father and other veterans to be recognized and cherished.

They were kids forced to fight to keep some dusty asses in Rivadavia's Chair. They were not part of the problem, they are also victims.

But once again, our lack of nuance turns everything inside-out.

Milei and Macri are not "The Alt Right" they are Center if anything.

"The Left" is a fascist movement and I will list as much evidence as I can remember about it (in a different post, this one is now far too long).

Yes, some members of Milei's political party are more "Right-Wing" but the party in itself doesn't have any kind of power at this moment (he's got like 8 mayors, no governors and maybe less than 20 legislators and senators in chambers that go above 200 members each) THERE'S NO WAY THAT ANYONE'S RIGHTS WILL BE STOLEN.

● Being against Peronism does not equal to be a "Right wing" supporter.

● Peronism is the real Fascism in here. They hate being out of Office and more than once admitted that they can bring down goverments (5 so far).

● They hate people that thinks differently (or that thinks overall) and use and abuse their own followers nearly forcing them to shed their blood in protests and fights so they can cry later about how they are "The Right's victims".

And one last phrase that I once heard somewhere:

"Dictatorships are dangerous in Latinamerica because they disguise themselves as the Left" so you can't just fight it because then you are the villain.

[wsl-chelsea]

Can some of your australian anons please post the whole interview with Sam somewhere? I just see the part from the tumblr fan page, I can't open the interview from europe somehow. Thank you!

here you go!

Having a relationship at work can be challenging in a lot of ways: work can’t just stay at work, irritations from home come to the office, and then there’s that awkward conversation you need to have with HR. That goes to another level when you play professional sports and are on opposing teams, like Australian soccer captain Sam Kerr and her partner Kristie Mewis, who is a midfielder on the US national soccer team.

Of course, inter team dating is nothing new, especially if you look to international ice hockey teams, where the Canadian and American captains just keep getting married, and the AFLW, from which so many families have sprouted. One concern that people used to have in the past about people on opposing teams dating is that it might make them go easier on each other, but Kerr reckons the opposite is true for her and Mewis.

“When we play each other, we go in harder on each other. It's just so much more fun to go [play] against your friends, and especially her. There was one time in Newcastle we both went in for a dangerous tackle on each other,” Kerr said. “But that's the love of it, right? We can just banter afterwards. To have someone that's going through the same thing is very nice on this journey.”

Surprisingly, another thing Kerr hates is the gym, which isn’t something you’d expect from one of the world’s top athletes. “Oh my god, getting me in the gym is one of life’s hardest challenges. I’m very on-pitch driven.”

Once she’s in the gym, her least favourite exercise is chin ups. “I have a hate/love relationship with chin-ups. I feel like I never get better at them. They’re just the hardest thing in the world. I want to be good at them, but I just can’t, and that’s what drives me crazy about them. They’re just the hardest drill and never get easier.”

One thing you usually hear in the stories about elite athletes is that they were practically born holding a ball and have known they wanted to be the best their whole lives, and never waivered in the face of adversity. One of the things that’s so refreshing about Kerr is that she’s so open about the fact that soccer wasn’t her first love, and it’s not all that she is, which can be inspiring for young women trying to choose their path.

“I was playing football at a high level and I still wasn't sure about what I wanted to do. So, I think my advice is just enjoy the journey. It's okay to have ups and downs. It's okay to not know what your direction is. For young girls now growing up, especially with the stress of social media and all of those things, I think it's just really important to enjoy the process, while always staying true to who you are.”

Her message is that you don’t have to be sure of everything all the time. “What you see of athletes, whether it's the 90 minutes on the field or the social media posts, that's just a glimpse of everyone's life. I always say to people, I'm just a regular person. I have the same issues and problems and life dramas that everyone else has. I have people in my team right now that aren't sure about their journey, and I'm not sure about my journey after football. No one has a clear path in life ever.”

One of Kerr’s favourite hobbies when she’s away from soccer is shopping, mainly for sneakers, bags and clothes. “I just love clothes. I think style is such a cool way to express yourself. At the moment I’m on a shopping ban, because I went a bit crazy in the off season. But I love shopping.”

When we had our chat, she was wearing a bright pink Balenciaga hoodie, which seems to encapsulate her style well. “I think I’m like a relaxed, sporty, tomboy-y, style. Honestly, I don’t have a style, I’ll see things and say ‘I could wear that’, and Kristie will always say to me that I can wear things that no one else could wear, and I kinda like that. I just wear what I wanna wear and I dress for comfort.”

Her other hobby is playing video games like FIFA, a game for which she just made history by becoming the first female global cover star for.

Part of the process of being scanned into the game as a player sounds delightfully weird and has the potential for supreme awkwardness.

“When you know it’s going towards something like FIFA, you just want to be a part of it, and really get into it so the emotions are true to who you are and what you look like. But it can be a little bit awkward. You’re in a room with these people who are watching you do your best scream in this otherwise quiet room, and then make a happy face and an angry face. When you’re putting your head in [the scanner], there are 1000 lights, and most of the girls were there watching too, so it was fun, but not the most comfortable thing to show that many emotions in front of that many people.”

[firelxdykatara]

not gonna lie I would love to hear more about the drama and infighting that went on in The Vampire Diaries fandom if you have the time (and also want to use that time to give your experience with the fandom, which from the snippets you've told sounds Not Fun so I get it if you don't want to lol)

oh god, there was like, SO MUCH, i just

i really feel like tvd is one of those fandoms that is so hard to describe without a lot of ‘you’d have to have been there’, but it really felt like this huge and all-consuming beast for about five years until the show finally imploded and the fandom basically turned on it en masse. (you ever see that post going around that’s like ‘if you ever want to know what true regret feels like, ask someone who once called tvd their favorite show’? still a mood, all these years later. basically the entire fandom thought the show should have just bowed out with whatever shreds of dignity it had left at the end of season 6, and became more of a hatedom than a fandom for the last two seasons. when you have an entire fandom cheering news of your show’s cancellation, i think that’s a sign you done fucked up, julie.)

first and most infamous, of course, are the ship wars. which are pretty much inevitable in any teen-centered drama, and i really think the CW fucking thrives on them, but it was particularly egregious in TVD’s case because not only was the base premise of the show a love triangle, but the two main romantic leads were brothers that the show constantly pit against one another--in pursuit of elena’s affections, but also because it kept up this insistence on the ‘good brother/bad brother’ dichotomy which stopped making sense after about season 2 (by which time we have found out that the good brother was never as good as he appeared, and the bad brother has been growing and isn’t nearly as bad as he pretends to be)--and the question of which brother ‘deserved’ elena (and no, what elena wanted very rarely factored into these discussions, especially in the team stefan camp because they turned on her when what she wanted was no longer The Good Brother, but i’ll get to that in a bit) was hotly contested.

i’m not kidding when i say the shipping wars were vicious. i started watching tvd shortly after it began to air, which was late 2009, and kept up with it fairly sporadically over the years. i didn’t come onto tumblr until 2011/2012, and by then, the fandom was already pretty much a garbagefire. there were anti ship and anti character blogs, any time something bad happened for one ship the rival ship would invade the tags to gloat about it (seasons 3 and 4 were especially rough, and i’m not gonna pretend delena fans weren’t just as bad about tag invasion and shit, but as that was my side of the road i saw a lot more of the stelena shippers being assholes, which soured my opinion on the ship a long time before i started rewatching and realized the red flags were there from the start), confessions blogs were popular also toxic as fuck (so much fighting happened in the notes of those posts, good gods), and this was right around when twitter’s popularity was on the rise and the line between Celebrity and Fan was thinning, so the fandom was absolutely atrocious to much of the tvd cast and crew.

(some of them deserved a lot of the later backlash, but in the early years a lot of it was ‘how dare you write the story in a way i dont like, you terrible fucking person’, and gods don’t get me started on the dobsley vs nian Thing)

i think what really encapsulates my feelings on the tvd fandom as a whole, though, is the way they (to this DAY) treated elena gilbert, which can be summed up in one meme that gained a lot of traction around season 3 if i remember right: that gif of pam from true blood, with the text altered to read “i’m so OVER elena and her precious doppelganger vagina!”

i swear at one time i had over half the active tvd fan accounts on tumblr blocked, because i got to a point where i would no longer tolerate elena hate, and she was (and still is, in what remains of the fandom; you’ll see a lot of ‘elena was one of the worst things about the show’ takes from ex-fans, too) one of the most widely despised characters in the entire fandom. because she -checks smudged writing on hand- was a traumatized teenage girl who -reads off a crumpled notecard- couldn’t always perfectly sort out her own feelings and -squints at the ceiling- sometimes made mistakes or bad decisions. (except a lot of the fandom also insisted that she was a mary sue who had no character traits or flaws or faults and it was like....make up your fucking minds???? is she a calculating conniving bitch whose somehow manipulating these centuries old vampires to tie them around her little finger or is she a boring flat character with no depth and no flaws??? jfc)

there was this massive double standard, too--like, stefan and damon could fuck whoever they wanted and that was fine, but elena was constantly raked over the coals for the crime of developing romantic feelings for the two men who had become constants in her life and whom she cared for deeply, and oh my GOD the slut shaming that happened when elena slept with damon was fucking wild. (and also happened in canon lmfao. like the show had one of elena’s best friends basically call her diseased on screen for falling in love with someone other than stefan. it was gross and ridiculous and the friend in question was also being a giant hypocrite at the time since she was happily flirting with someone who was directly responsible for the deaths of like four of elena’s loved ones and her own boyfriend’s mother but that’s beside the point) but like elena was called a slut and a bitch and a whore for ‘cheating’ on stefan (she hadn’t, and she had in fact broken up with him on screen the episode earlier) and ‘immediately’ jumping into bed with damon, even though none of them said fucking boo when stefan had one night stands or damon had fuckbuddies or whatever.

shit, caroline didn’t get any of this treatment when she started falling for tyler while dating matt! which isn’t to say i think she should have, just that i think it’s fucking ridiculous that elena was absolutely demonized by the fandom for daring to have feelings for two guys at once and eventually acting on them--despite the fact that the entire premise of the show was a love triangle. it’s not a love triangle if both sides don’t eventually get explored, and the crew had been pretty explicit about the fact that delena was going to happen at some point--but when it did, a huge chunk of the fandom absolutely threw a fit.

and a lot of these elena haters were alleged stelena stans, and i say alleged because they hated her so much for not wanting stefan’s dick anymore that it was clear they were really stefan stans and only wanted stelena to be endgame because they wanted stefan to ‘win’ at the end of the day, because ‘he’s the good brother’ so he deserved elena more.

it was all very gross and very misogynistic and very sex shaming (apparently delena was a ‘shallow’ and ‘superficial’ relationship because they had sex after two years of unrequited feelings slowly becoming requited and then pining for ages on both sides, and because they had a lot of on screen chemistry that the show capitalized on for years so of course they did a lot of making out and shit but it’s not like stelena didn’t have its fair share of making out and sex scenes, stefan was just too much of a coward to let elena top i’d apologize for that joke but i’m really not sorry because it’s true), and when i say it was egged on by the crew, that’s because they refused to let the love triangle die back in season 4 when it should have.

they insisted on stringing stelena fans along, dropping little bread crumbs to keep them invested, like dreams of a future where they were married and revealing that stefan was also a doppelganger and he and elena were descended from a pair of star-crossed lovers (a plot that ultimately went nowhere, to no one’s great surprise), and then fucking like. julie plec turned around and threw nina under the bus after she chose not to extend her contract and pretended that stelena might have happened again if she hadn’t left the show, which....i mean frankly i wouldn’t put it past her, but it would have been shitty writing. then again, she thought having a vampire pregnancy where a uterus was magically transplanted from a witch into a vampire that could somehow......carry the babies to term.... made sense and was a good way to accomodate candice’s RL pregnancy rather than like literally ANYTHING else, soooooo. but anyway julie saying that around like, end of s6 sparked off a new wave of nina hate and elena hate and ship wars bc they SEers took it as ‘confirmation’ that stelena was REALLY meant to be endgame and it was all just a hot fucking mess

another thing is that, while tvd was in its prime before the anti/purity culture shit started picking up any real steam, there was still this pervasive attitude throughout the fandom that if you liked Damon, you were A Bad Person. liking damon was apparently grounds for insults and harassment, and apparently he was The Worst Person on the Show even though literally nothing he does on screen is any worse than shit we know stefan has done (and frankly every other vampire too, but i mention stefan specifically because he was always held up--in the show but especially in the fandom--as the Good Brother while damon was the Bad One, and if you liked damon more then that had to mean your morals were dodgy and you clearly couldn’t appreciate what a heroic and saintly figure dear stefan was and....oops, i’m sorry, my salt keeps leaking -cough-).

meanwhile klaus quickly became a fandom darling despite not even really having much of a redemption arc (on tvd anyway, he just became more ‘affably evil’ as the show went on and more inclined to work with the main characters rather than try to kill them; i have no idea what went on over on his show, though), and like i can 100% appreciate liking villains and not caring that they do dodgy villainous shit, even just liking them bc they’re hot and wanting them to kiss a main character bc they have insanely good chemistry (yes i ship klaroline, no i won’t apologize for it, they could have been Really Great), it’s just really the double standard that gets me.

and all of this, incidentally, required ignoring some truly gross shit stefan was responsible for wrt his relationship with elena, that frankly it has always bothered me never really got addressed in the show. i get why elena herself would never be able to actually call him on it, but the fact is that he stalked her for months after he first saw her and thought she was katherine (meanwhile it only took damon .5 seconds to realize she was someone else entirely, but that’s another topic entirely), and then he deliberately inserted himself into her life because, in his words, ‘i have to know her’. he never gave a thought to how his presence in her life might affect her (or rather, he did, and tormented himself about it in his internal monologue, but never let this actually dissuade him from disrupting her life), and elena would wind up blaming herself for every tragedy that befell her friends and loved ones as a result of getting mixed up in vampire bullshit even though none of it was her fault--she literally blamed herself for existing but most of the fandom didn’t give a fuck about that lmfao--and stefan did shit like find out that she was adopted and then withhold this information from her until she got pissed about another secret he was keeping (her resemblence to katherine) and drop it on her to try and distract her from her very reasonable anger, and like... i should stop before this becomes a whole rant about how much i hate stefan fucking salvatore, but the point is, he did a lot of really sketchy shit he never answered for and elena never really took him to task for, and the fandom just kept eating up his insistence that he was the Good Brother and therefore he deserved to have elena, and if she didn’t want him anymore it was because she was a heinous bitch who didn’t deserve him.

uh.....i think i got off track there. and there’s probably a lot of shit i missed, like i think i was incandescent with rage for most of seasons 5 and 6 so i missed a lot of the interfandom shit cause i was too busy being increasingly pissed off at the show itself, but if nothing else this should give you an idea of how much of a goddamn cesspit the fandom was while the show as in its prime. there’s a reason both the show and the fandom have such a lousy reputation lmfao.

[dokoni-mo]

Far Away, Together || Darth Vader x Reader

(A/N: Hello all! This is my first post on tumblr and I am so excited to share my fic with all you lovely people!!! I used to write alot, but haven’t in some time. Since I am renewing my love for star wars, I thought that I would do a little something for my favorite man of all time: Vader!!! A big thanks to Kenna for helping to inspire me to write again (you know who you are :))) ). This is chapter one of a series of about 10 chapters I plan to write. Please enjoy and feel free to ask to be added to the tag list!! also, not my gif)

WARNINGS: mentions of a TIE crash, some cursing

Key: (F/N) = first name  (L/N) = last name

Word Count: ~3600

Edit: Link to Chapter Two: [x]

Life on the Super Star Destroyer was exactly the same as the ship looked on the outside: cold, dull, and gray. Color? What’s that? Life? Never heard of it. 

No one ever really stopped to mingle with one another, even for a brief, courteous “hello!” or “hey, how’s it going?”. These types of action were seen as unnecessary and not impactful to squashing out the rebellion, as well as to eliminating any sign of hope that one day the Empire will just cease to exist, leaving everyone alone. Everything and everyone had a purpose within the Empire. Everyone had their own job, and heaven forbid that you are somehow unable to do that job. Any failure was seen as weakness, and the Empire had no use for weakness amongst its ranks. These were the fundamental truths of working under the Empire.

Being a mechanic wasn’t so bad. You got to do what you loved to do, so what’s so bad about that? Sure, you had very little contact with the outside world (aside from the occasional news briefing or smuggled-in holovid), you had very few acquaintances, and you were always just referred to as last name only, but all of these could be overlooked. You wake up, put on your drab, gray-green uniform, go to work, then go back to your quarters, rinse and repeat every day of every week. A nice little routine for your nice little job on the nice little imperial vessel. 

To say you blended in with the crowd was wrong. Everyone blended in with the crowd, so to say you blended in with the crowd was diagnosing yourself with special-snowflake syndrome. There was no individuality within the Empire. There was only the Empire, the usage of names only a formality or a way to get one’s attention. Despite this, due to human nature, those serving would often try to attempt some sort of individuality. Female officers would have a signature way of pulling back their hair, troopers would talk in different made-up accents, and some even gave themselves tattoos. You, however, found your individuality within your work. 

When fixing something, you would often put  your own spin on how you bring said thing back to its former glory. Fixing a speederbike? Lets rewire the wires so that they make a nice, pretty zig-zag pattern. This will help it steer a bit better, anyway. Fixing a blaster with a faulty trigger? Why not add a new cooling system just to be nice. Fixing a TIE? Oh boy, the possibilities are endless. 

This may be what has allowed you to rise through the ranks so quickly as a mechanic. There was seemingly nothing that you couldn’t inflict your midas touch upon. Plop anything down on your workbench and it's a guarantee that it will be fixed. 

On the other hand, it may just be dumb luck. This is ultimately what you thought. You were just merely doing your job, trying to not cause any trouble for yourself, just like everyone else you worked with. It just so happened to be you that the Empire had noticed. 

It was this attention that landed you this new assignment.The news had come suddenly and almost unexpectedly. Pack your bags, (F/N), you're out of the Endor research station and now on a one-way ticket to the Super Star Destroyer. Of course, there was no one around to pat you on the back when you got the news, and certainly no one to say congratulations. You did that yourself that night by treating yourself to an extra ration. 

If you were anyone else within the Empirical army, you would be over the moon about working on this ship. But, you felt no emotion towards the subject. It was just another job, what’s so special about it?

You quickly learned the answer to that. 

Him. 

He made the entire aura of the ship much tenser than any other research station or star destroyer that you had ever been on. People were not kidding when they said that his entire presence dripped with authority and power. To defy him, was to defy the Empire. To fail him, was to fail the Empire. It also always meant a loss of your life by the point of his saber. 

You remember the first time that you saw him with your own eyes, not just an image from a news briefing or the picture you formed in your head when you heard the stories. You were lined up along with all of your new fellow troopers, officers, and mechanics, your hands firmly by your sides and your chin held up high, your eyes the only part allowed to move. He had been returning from some sort of escapade, and it was time for another customary formal greeting for him.

He was hard to miss when the door to the shuttle had touched the cold, hard ground. Everything about him was massive, intimidating. Dressed head to toe in black, his frame resembling a man but his features that of a droid. Despite the layers upon layers of armor and clothing, you could tell his muscles were nothing to bat an eye at. His shoulderspan looked like it could be twice your own, and his hands look like they could wrap around your waist and crush you in to a million tiny pieces at any second. Hot. 

As he walked past you, you could feel the floor vibrate with menacing trembles as he took each step. His breathing was enrapturing, filling up your ears like it was there to live rent-free. When he finally spoke (a simple “Good, admiral”), you could feel the bass right in the middle of  your chest. His voice was encapsulating, surrounding you with it's deep, authoritative, encompassing demeanor. Even hotter. 

Yes, Darth Vader was quite the interesting character. But, he was not the one, you had decided, to try and become buddy-buddy with. Far too risky. Instead, you would carry on as normal: do your job, and don’t get in anyone’s way. You have done this for years, and a change of scenery with a far more intimidating boss wouldn't change that. 

Except when it did. 

The day (you believed that it was day, at least. It was hard to keep track of time in the middle of space on a giant floating mouse cursor) was as simple as ever. You woke up, ate your breakfast rations, then went straight to work. They had you fixing a few blasters and comms that day. How exciting. 

You almost didn't hear the sound of the sirens when they went off, nor how the room suddenly was flashing red. When you had finally came-to, the sound of a highly distressed officer was over the hangar’s comm system. 

“Everyone clear the bridge now! Lord Vader is coming in hot!”

Coming in hot? You wondered what that had meant. Of course, you knew what that meant, but this was Lord Vader we were talking about. He was the best pilot in the whole Empirical fleet. He never crashed, you had thought. 

Despite your judgement, you put down your tools and started to run along with the other mechanics. They seemed just as confused as you were, awkwardly trying to shuffle out of their stations into somewhere safe. Quietly slipping past the small crowd, you found refuge on the other side of the doorway you were in, finding a place to watch within one of the windows. 

Looking up to the stars that made up the tail-end wall of your workplace, you were almost shocked to see that the officer over the comm wasn’t hallucinating. Lord Vader’s TIE was, indeed, coming in hot. A noticeable plumage of smoke followed in his wake, as well as the occasional burst of sparks and the odd chunk of metal falling off. The noise that TIE made when it passed through the barrier was unholy, making you wince right before you had jumped in your polished boots. Lord Vader’s TIE crashed right on the floor of your workspace, skidding along and spinning not before crashing into several unfinished projects and stopping just before the doorway you had been standing in.  

Oh, maker. He’s dead. 

That was your only thought as the smoke and dust around the TIE settled in the air. The smoke was occasionally illuminated by the sparks coming out of the ship. This was definitely not a pretty scene. That TIE was busted. 

A twinge of some sort of odd emotion rippled through you as you saw the tip of a red stream of light pierced through the metal of the broken TIE. It made a large circle motion before shrinking back inside. Moments later, the circle had been thrown off, flying past the group of mechanics that had begun to shuffle awkwardly back into the hangar to inspect the scene for themselves. You had joined them as the circle was discarded off of the TIE, the wind making a strand of your hair raise. 

He stepped out of the burning pile of metal mess moments later. A small amount of smoke radiated off of his body as his boots collided with the ground. His shoulders were raised, his left fist in a ball as his right held on firmly to his weapon. He offered no one any explanation as he marched his way to the medical bay, an air of contempt and loathing following him. 

They had let you off to lunch early that day. The smoke from the TIE could be toxic, and they needed some time to clear out the hangar before everyone could get back to work. 

You ate your ration in silence as everyone around you murmured their theories and rumors about the incident that had occurred about an hour earlier. There was no need to speculate, in your eyes, and the only people you talked with were out on some other assignment. Silence kept you company, anyhow. 

Your peaceful lunch, however, was eventually rudely interrupted by some rude, old geezer. His uniform adorned many different patches and pins, so you figured he had to be some sort of presiding, know-it-all, experienced officer. The lines in his face only made him look more stern and stuck up than he sounded, his lips pursed as he eyed the datapad he held whilst he stood in front of your lunch table. 

“(L/N), I presume, yes? Our newest mechanic from Endor?” the old man questioned, his dark eyes flicking back and forth between you and your glowing blue picture. 

“Yes, sir. That’s me.” you responded, sitting up to offer some sort of respect to the officer. 

The old man turned off his datapad with that, folding his arms behind his back as he addressed you fully. “Well, Miss (L/N), I do hope that your current assignment holds no sentimental value to you. You are being reassigned with a very important alternative, effective immediately.” 

“Immediately?” you questioned, “I apologize sir, I don’t quite-”

“Your new assignment, Miss (L/N), is to repair Lord Vader’s TIE. I assume you bore witness to his entrance earlier today.” said the old officer, cutting you off. ��Lord Vader’s ship is of utmost importance to the Empire, and we only assign our best to repair it when needed. We have already removed your previous assignment from your station and place Lord Vader’s TIE in its place.” 

Before you could get another word out, the officer turned on his heel to leave, only giving you a side glance over his shoulder as he continued, “You should be pleased, Miss (L/N). You just became one of our finest mechanics.” 

~~~

You only saw a heaping pile of garbage that was vaguely shaped like a TIE Advanced x1 at your station when you returned. The ship was mangled beyond repair. Aside from the gaping hole in the center of the fighter, the wings were gnashed beyond recognition, many of the metal plates lining the surface either gone or melted, the wires that snaked along the inside of the craft were now on the outside, and it still hadn’t stopped smoking completely. 

You couldn't hide your expression as you walked around the TIE. Why the hell would you even try and repair this hunk of shit? you thought to yourself, Just get a new TIE, I’m sure the Empire can afford it. 

You contemplated on going back and finding that old man that gave you the assignment and asking him to repeat it back to you. Whoever wanted this thing repaired was a madman at best. Sighing, you reminded yourself of your virtues. Do your job, don’t get in the way. And, this was your new job. 

You had no idea on where to start. 

~~~

It was long past quitting hours when you heard the doors to the hangar open. 

You were perched on top of the broken down TIE, your jacket long since discarded. You were left only in your boots, pants, tanktop, and goggles as you heard heavy footsteps draw closer to your station. 

You paused briefly from your welding to listen to the footsteps for a brief moment. You pondered for a short time on whether or not to address the person walking towards you, but decided against it. You figured that they were just some trooper or other mechanic sneaking out for a midnight walk or snack. Although you were loyal to the Empire, you were no snitch to your fellow troop. You resumed your welding after your judgement had ended. 

You continued to listen, however, and noticed how the footsteps had ended very close to your station. Listening past the sound of your welding, your heart almost jumped out your throat and hitched a ride to the outer-rim when you noticed an all-too-familiar sound. 

That breathing. 

To make sure that your ears were not playing tricks on you, you stopped your welding and peeked over the top of the TIE. Sure enough, there he was, staring up at you without a word, without even moving one muscle. Your blood ran cold. 

“L-Lord Vader!” You called down as you scurried to put down your tools, pushing your goggles up to rest on your sweat-gleamed forehead. You landed on the ground with a thunk as you slid down the TIE, hurriedly walking over to address the Dark Lord properly. 

Standing so close to him forced you to notice the height and size difference between the two of you. He was tall, so tall that you had to almost crane your neck to look him in the eyes of his mask. His frame dwarfed yours in every way, making you feel so, so small and weak compared to him. As the sith looked down at you, you couldn't help but feel his real eyes behind the mask bare into you, almost as if he were looking right into the fiber of your being. You swallowed thickly but silently, forgetting that you were out of uniform in front of the Emperor's right hand. 

“I-I apologize, my Lord, I did not hear you come in over the sound-” 

“Is it not past active hours for your department, mechanic?” He interjected, interrogating you. You felt your cheeks gain a touch of rouge out of embarrassment. You had barely even noticed that it was so late, that almost all of the lights in the hangar had gone dim. 

“Yes, my Lord, it is. But, I had-”

“You need not explain yourself to me, mechanic. I have come here for a report on the damage to my ship. If you will so generously supply me with that, perhaps I will overlook your discrepancies tonight.” He said to you, his head tilting to the side. The eyes of his helmet never left your frame as he spoke to you. His authority made a shiver run down your spine, your breath hitch. He could kill you at any moment's notice, and you both knew that. 

“Yes. Yes, of course, my Lord.” You responded quietly. It was then you finally dared to let your gaze fall off of the menacing, tall figure before you. Turning on your heel, you looked up at the broken down craft before you, pressing a hand against the cool metal. “Well, my Lord, I will not dare lie to you. This fighter is in real bad shape. Her left wing is almost completely non-existent, her guns are unrecognizable, and her central computer has been totally fried. Her engine received a great amount of damage as well, and it looks like all of her spark igniters and thrusters will need to be replaced. This is all, of course, not to mention the damage to her framework.” 

You had circled around the TIE absentmindedly as you spoke, your hand gliding over the jagged surface of the craft. Vader’s gaze followed your diminutive frame as you paced about. You could feel the eyes of his mask follow you with every footstep. Were it not for the continuous babbling on about damages, you would be shitting a brick right about now. 

“And how do you plan to proceed with these repairs, mechanic?” He asked you, a hint of his temper and curiosity poking through. 

“Well,” you retorted, looking at him once more, right in the face, “In order to proceed with anything, I have to get the central computer back online and running. That way, I will be able to talk to her better, and maybe even run a diagnostic for any damages that I haven’t caught yet. After that will be the repairs to the wing, which I will likely have to build from scratch from other scrapped TIEs. Once that is complete, repairs to the frame will begin, then onto the guns and engine. This may change, however, if I am able to run that diagnostic, my lord.” 

The way you held yourself in front of the sith lord was certainly a pleasant surprise. Lord Vader was used to his subordinates making a vain attempt to make the situation sound better to him so that he would be pleased. You, however, did not shy away from cutting to the chase and telling Vader how it was. He felt a twinge of appreciation bubble deep, deep down inside him. He always did value someone who truly knew their way around a ship or two. 

Vader took a glance at the mess of his TIE Advanced then back to you before he spoke again. You had refused to take your eyes off him again. 

“I understand,” he rumbled out, placing his large hands on their respective sides of his belt, “I presume that these repairs will take a small while.” 

His words were spoken as a statement, but you knew he was asking. 

“Yes, Lord Vader,” you said, nodding in affirmation, “They indeed will, but I will do all in my power to have her running again just like new.” You couldn't help but flash a small, quick smile at the end of your positivity. 

Vader stared down at you for a brief moment before speaking again, the sound of his steady breath winding around you once again. 

“Good,” he finally said, “I expect no less from you, mechanic. I will come here again periodically, and I expect a full report of progress for each of my visitations. Do I make myself clear? Do not fail me.” 

“Of course, my Lord. I will do exactly as you wish” you replied, giving him a firm nod as you stood at attention. Quickly, you relaxed your pose, letting your gaze fall once more and your body to turn to resume your work. 

Vader, however, stood completely still. He was not done with you quite yet. 

“Your name.” Vader said flatly, with a hint of demand. 

This sent a jolt through you. You shot your gaze back to the sith, your hand gently clutching one of your tools, applying just enough strength to keep it from falling. 

“P-pardon, my Lord?” 

“Your name, mechanic. I wish to know your name.”

You licked your bottom lip hurriedly. You prayed that he couldn't notice your cheeks tint pink. 

“It's (L/N), my Lord-”

“I know that, Miss (L/N). I wish to know your full name. Do not make me ask again.” 

You almost burst out laughing. He had to be joking. This was the first time in years that someone had asked you for your first name. You were surprised that you even still remembered it. 

“It’s… It’s (F/N), my Lord. (F/N) (L/N).” 

Another pause from him, along with another long staring contest between the two of you. Was his breathing always this loud?

After an eternity, he spoke once more, “I have full faith in you, Miss (F/N) (L/N). It is not everyday I have the privilege to converse with one of your skill level and courage.”

With that, he was done. He stepped to the right, turned, and walked to the door, leaving without another look or word. You stared at the door for a long moment before looking at the floor, replaying the past events in your head, letting his words plague your mind over and over like a broken record. 

Was that a compliment?

No, of course not, you had convinced a majority of  yourself. 

With a sigh, you climbed back up to the top of the broken TIE, seated on your perch again. You adorned your goggles once more, telling yourself just a little more before you retired for the night. 

Little did you know, this was only the first interesting night of many to come. 

[iiasha-archived]

Here’s another ask game for ya! Assign your moots as seventeen comeback aesthetics (can include solos, OSTs, collabs, Japanese comebacks, etc) and say why you associate them with that aesthetic! Some can overlap too!

ooo okay.. i’m really bad at these kinds of things but i’ll try my best ❤️ i would have loved to do all my mutuals but my brain isn’t strong enough for everyone so i’m so sorry ahead of time if i didn’t get you!! 😭

edit: also i just realized this said COMEBACK aesthetics but i just did svt. well. anything lmao

@s0ftbb as clap: c just gives me such wonderfully colorful and bright vibes (esp with the use of the colored text lmao it always adds such a nice extra flair to all ur posts <3) and also all her creations and videos give me such HAPPY and LET’S HAVE A GOOD TIME vibes u know what i mean 🥺 and also just that splash of insanity that we all love <3 in particular i’m thinking of that montage scene near the end where there’s like confetti flying everywhere and it’s in slow-mo and stuff lmao

@rosevlolets as fallin flower: alexis gives me super soft and refined and of course flowery vibes! i think it also helps that all her tags for the svt members are literally flowers so it always feels like a cherry blossom breeze every time i see her on the dash or in my notifs <3 (oh gosh i hope that wasn’t TOO cheesy lmao) hehe but yeah i always think flowers when it comes to alexis which is perfect for fallin’ flower

@scoupsy as fear + fearless being the sister song: not because dreamy is intimidating or anything LMAO but i think this association immediately came to mind because of her astounding and beautiful graphics, i feel like they match the fear aesthetic super well. there’s like kind of a dark and elegant atmosphere i always associate with her gfx and in turn her but in like that really beautiful way <3 but ALSO fearless comes in bc i find dreamy’s personality super, well, fearless LMAO and just badass. i really love how she doesn’t hesitate to speak up for herself ❤️

@jonghan as (never-ending) aju nice: GO CRAZY GO STUPID GO WILD LOSE YOU’RE FUCKING SHIT AS WE GO WILD EVEN MORE!! i think yza perfectly encapsulates the never-ending aju nice stage as well as all the crazy antics that come along with it especially as of late LMAO. and again i tend to associate people’s content with their i guess. being? lmao but aju nice is equally as colorful and vibrant as her gifs PLUS she’s so prolific (e.g. never-ending but in the best way) like god damn idk how you keep up with it all afjksldjf

@soonhoonsol​ as healing: idk man chey just gives me very... lmao HEALING vibes :D seeing you on the dash and in my notifs fills me with this very feel-good “ahhh it’s chey!!!” and upbeat feeling hehe <3 and you almost always have such nice tags as well that i read them sometimes and i’m like 🥺🥺🥺 my soul = cleansed. but there’s also this sense of like... i hope this is for the long run you know? LMAO by that what i mean is the whole thing of healing is like DON’T stop this healing right basically i hope you continue to bless the dash for a long time whether it be with your creations or simply good vibes <3

@gotseventeens​ as change up: i don’t really have a reason for this other than vibes? LMAO i’m using vibes all over the place but yeah like for some reason the vibe i get from belle reminds me of the bold colors and suave/cool nature of the change up mv hehe ❤️ i think it’s because belle’s vibes also strike me with this air of confidence that is still kind of chill/lowkey about it lmaooo like YEAH you totally got this ;D

@tzhao12 as 2019 TTT (camping ver.) but specifically when they’re talking about their feelings at the end: because what speaks better about everlasting friendships than the friend i’ve been blessed with for what. is it 12 years now. she’s probably not even gonna see this for like 3 months bc unlike me she escaped tumblr. anyways tiff i’d die for you can’t wait for y’all to jumpscare me this thursday <3 i’m gonna cry i’m serious <3

@vernons as any vocal unit song: oona gives me very soft and gentle vibes which is a lot of what i get from most of vocal unit’s songs! if i had to pick exactly one maybe we gonna make it shine but that’s probably just influenced by me having listened to it recently hehe <3 also a lot of the nature aesthetics and makeup looks i see you post on your main blog feel like they fit in as the visual side of the aesthetic the vocal unit songs give me if that makes any sense??? LMAO

@heartgyus as snap shoot, + the creative process behind it: so in my heart rhys is like a leading mingyu stan here so naturally i had to pick something with mingyu’s entire heart and spirit behind it LMAO but in general rhys vibe and aesthetic gives me SUPER happy/fluffy upbeat like “whoo hoo!” vibes??? afdjklajf a little silly a lot of cute and a lot of fun :D  

@haniehae as pinwheel: for some reason when i think of anna i get this sense of a breath of fresh air??? idek why this is another one i can’t really explain hahaha but yeah pinwheel is what immediately came to mind! i think also because when i see a lot of your moodboards pinwheel kind of naturally comes as like the backtrack for a lot of them??? i think it’s something about the instrumentals of the song. anna just overall also gives me very relaxing vibes whenever i see her on the dash hehe <3

@xuseokgyu​ as when they were filming the 2019 gose intro: okay this is really specific but for some reason that’s what came to mind afjkadslj MY REASONING is that belle just gives me the vibes of being like. super enthusiastic and supportive about EVERYTHING whether it be her own work or the work others are doing!!! also lowkey i get parental vibes from her LMAO so it somehow reminds me of when they were in the house and seungkwan was like “OKAY KIDS... GATHER AROUND...” lmao but in general the whole energy of that entire thing where they were like “okay here’s this thing we’re gonna DO IT” but in a enthusiastic/happy way is why i picked this jfaksldf

@17hateblog as seventeen’s humor: kay and i don’t really talk but she consistently has the funniest fucking tags ever known to mankind. it might not specifically be the same as the humor seventeen show us in, say, gose, but the way they both make me die laughing is the same <3 it doesn’t even matter what the post is everything she puts on her blog is an adventure and i am fucking here for it. AND she’s a jun stan so what’s not to love <3

@vixenjun as light a flame: because kaya and her blog literally embody sexiness + junhui in that choreo....... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> everything. i also really feel like her aes kind of fits that dark mysterious too-good-for-you beauty vibe that i also get from light a flame lmao (but underneath that kaya is obviously a sweetheart <3)

@happysmilebtr as hitorijanai: anna is just like. genuinely one of the most supportive and happy vibing people i’ve met on here? lmao and i feel bad bc i basically have now left you on read KJFDLAJDS but all our dms have been so much fun like i love just talking about anything <333 but yeah the way you’re so open and loving and supportive 100% gives me hitorijanai vibes and the message behind it :D

[bluejayblueskies]

Your writing means a lot to me. You are very skilled as a writer. I can tell you put a lot of thought and effort into everything you create, because it’s always so well-crafted, from the concept to the overall storyline and pacing to the smallest details of characterization and description. Your TMA fic captures the tone of the original and digs deeper into the themes it brought up, and your characterization is always so spot-on I can hear the dialogue in their voices. Your work somehow encapsulates everything I love about TMA and then goes beyond it in ways that seem so perfectly fitting it makes me sad we never got that in canon. You are amazing and wonderful and I am so grateful every time you post another story, or a new chapter.

I’m sorry you’ve been feeling down about your writing lately, and worried about how your work will be received.

I know how frustrating it can feel to work hard on something and be proud of it, and then see it not get the recognition it deserves from a wider audience. I have one fic that achieved moderate popularity, and then nothing else I’ve written since has gotten more than a third of that amount of attention. (The story wasn’t much better quality than most of the other fics I’ve written, but it just happened to be a premise more people were interested in and got spread around more on tumblr.)

Still, I don’t think it’s a waste to write something just because you want to see it, or a waste to share it even if the audience it receives ends up being fairly small. Even on some of my less popular fics I’ve gotten comments like “this gave me a lot of feelings” or “thanks for writing a very accurate version of how it feels to be...there (mentally speaking, I mean), this is the best description of that I have found up till now” or “this fic really hit hard for me and it meant a lot, gonna be thinking about this one for a while.”

One fic I was putting out serially in chapters, there were 3 people who would regularly read and comment on every chapter, and 5 people bookmarked it. (Which, yeah, is only a handful of people, but still that handful of people cared deeply about this story, enough to read and comment on each chapter as it came out, and enough to want to read it again when it was finished.) A story that only ends up appealing to a few people might still be really meaningful to those people. As a reader, there are certain fics which really resonated with me and which I’ve found great value in, even though they aren’t as popular as some of the writer’s other work.

I hope your latest piece finds a wider audience than you’re expecting right now, that a lot of people read it and comment on it. But if it doesn’t, I hope you get to hear from the people you touched the most about how much it resonates with them, and that you can appreciate the value of your own work even when it doesn’t get the recognition it deserves.

first of all, this message is making me feel so many happy fuzzy emotions, i don't quite know how to handle all of them or how to put the full extent of my gratitude into words 🥺🥺🥺💕💕💕😭😭😭 i've read through this several times already, and i think i'll probably do so in the future as well because it's just so lovely and is making me very emotional 💛💛💛

second of all, thank you so so much for this 💛 even though i know that fics that reach a small audience can be really meaningful to that audience and that numbers really don't matter, i can still get caught up in placing my success as a writer on... i guess quantity over quality? but getting reminders that certain works resonate with certain people and that just because that number of people isn't a lot it doesn't mean that the fic was a waste is really helpful for me. i'm definitely hopeful that even though the concept for my fic is kind of niche, there will still be people (other than me) who find meaning and enjoyment in it!

thank you again for this, so so much--i appreciate it more than i can articulate 💕

[eirian-houpe]

My question for you this week has to do with prompts. I’ve seen you write prompts for the Monthly Rumbelling, as well as request prompts from your followers on Tumblr. I’m curious: how do you go from a set of pictures or words to having a whole, fleshed-out story? Especially ones with so much depth and mystery like your latest one! Can you describe your process at all?

Oh wow, I love this ask already. So.. yes, thank you for the ask, and um... prompts - wow. Believe it or not I have the hardest time with prompts, even though I love them.

Since you are talking about the latest one as an example, I'll go through the process with that. Generally with the mood boards, I'll stare at the images for a very long time and then complain to my husband that nothing is coming to me and I'm not inspired at all. That's a lie of course, because also usually no sooner than the words have left my lips, than I get something come to me.

It started with the characters for Missing Person. Clearly season 6+ Gold, and clearly Lacey, which, in canon of course don't/can't go together. Also, Gold looks worried. So I put those elements together, along with the tattoo parlor, because it seemed to me as if Lacey is the kinda gal to get a tattoo.

So, now I have characters and a 'setting' of sorts, I went on to try and figure out how to fit two characters together who wouldn't be, and it occurred to me that there is definitely a little bit of Lacey somewhere inside of Belle, and that maybe it's that little bit that made her curious about getting a tattoo.

”You ever thought about getting a tattoo?”

She asked that in one of the 'flashbacks' sending us down a whole rabbit hole, and maybe Belle was giving in to her inner Lacey, but... given that the story opens with the line, "The sex that night had been frantic, almost brutal..." the next question I asked myself was, 'why is Gold worried?' That took me to the picture of the forest from above, and 'why would this worry Gold.'

For the answer to that, I switch to Belle, and the image of the leaves with frost on, and I'm thinking maybe she's out there. Then I ask myself, 'why is she out there?' and that's where the fun /really/ started. I decided she was missing.

How or why Belle would be missing after a night of fantastic sex with her husband is a very good question, and one that became the whole center of the story, and a huge spoiler, so if you don't want to be spoiled, don't read under the cut... suffice to say Belle being missing would cause the worry I saw on Gold's face in the image of him... worrying after her getting a tattoo (of a butterfly) on her inner thigh the evening before.

So now we get to the nitty gritty - SPOILERS FOLLOW so if you don't want to be spoiled, either go read the fic here first, or stop reading this post here until you have.

The title of the fic is Missing Person, but not one to ever be obvious, I decided while writing the second 'flashback' (are they even flashbacks or not - the answer comes later) that it was not Belle that would be the missing person, and that Belle's entire - what turns out not to be a flashback at all, but a prophetic nightmare - leads the reader to find out that the person who is actually missing is Jefferson.

Then, I had to put in all the clues to the fact that /that/ is what's going on.

Only the first paragraph, and the last section are reality.

The italic sections, no matter whose point of view they take, are the prophetic part of the 'vision' Belle is having, and the non-italic parts are the lucid nightmare that encapsulates the vision - the owl that Belle follows being the symbol/signal of dream. I had wanted to get an owl into Gold's conversation with Emma somehow, but it felt too forced, and so I left it out in the end.

“Time, Miss Swan, is a commodity that Belle may not have.” This is the first clue to the missing person... and it really is an obscure one requiring you have a good knowledge of the Mad Hatter's conversations with Alice. There's one in which they discuss time.

The fact of the owl leading Belle close to the town line - since Jefferson's house is way out there - another clue, as is the mismatched size of the gate in the wall of Jefferson's garden. Stuff in Wonderland is weird after all.

Last clue of course, was the Tattooist offering them tea, and ultimately bringing them tea in Jefferson's tea service.

That last paragraph holds clues to where the story might be going (and I say might be because you know how well behaved these characters of our are, right?). This is obviously not the first time Belle has had this particular nightmare, since Gold asks, "again" when Belle wakes up from it, and that Gold knows to turn over Jefferson's hat to look for the bloodstain on the brim shows that she has told him about the dream before 'we' as readers get to see it.

So Jefferson is missing, he told Grace to run, and all that's left as any kind of evidence is his bloodstained hat... (and the music on the piano, because why would I bother to name it otherwise)?

Hopefully that gave some kind of insight into the unique kind of derangement in my mind, right? It didn't just confuse the ever loving heck out of you?

[hd-learns-korean]

Musical Monday’s but it’s actually Tuesday... Christmas Edition! 🎄🎄🎄

Hey all! I hope you’re all doing great and that you’re studying has gone fantastic this week. Yesterday I was supposed to post a Musical Monday lesson but my computer had other ideas. So I pray that today it’ll work! 

Song: Dashing Through The Snow In High Heels

Artist: Orange Caramel ft Nu’est

Genre: POPTASTIC BABY! 

Thoughts on the song: Do you like cheesy Christmas films? Wanna confess your love on a cold winters eve whilst drinking hot cocoa? Wanna watch the first snowfall of the year with that special someone? Well this song encapsulates all of these warm fuzzy feelings and turns it into a really cute Christmas/ Holiday track to listen to. Overall this song is very cute and adorable! Just what we need to kick 2020 in the snowballs! I can’t believe this song was done 8 years ago! very 2012 vibes...all I’m sayin’! 

Please could I just say as mother hen here.. It’s not advisable to run through the snow in high heels as that’s a nasty accident waiting to happen! Walk slowly through the snow in sensible shoes, then change into your heels when you’re on a flat surface. You may not look cute in big snow boots, but your ankles will thank you for the sacrifice! Trust me! 😄 Somehow though I don’t think the song ‘Carefully treading through the snow in tennis rackets for shoes’ really has the same ring to it! 

Disclaimer: I am not taking any credit for the song. All credit should go to the original artists. I just wanted to create a study post for it. I’m still a beginner at learning Korean so if you spot any mistakes or a better way to translate please let me know!  I’ve included the sources of where I have got my information from, as I am still a beginner I don’t want to guess about conjugations so I have used websites that show the correct final forms. 

Right Let’s get this study session started! FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! 

VERBS: 

가다 To go

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 가, 가요, 갑니다

Past tense: 갔어, 갔어요, 갔습니다

Future tense: 갈 거야, 갈 거예요, 갈 겁니다

들리다 to hear

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 들러, 들러요, 들릅니다

Past tense: 들렀어, 들렀어요, 들렀습니다

Future tense: 들를 거야, 들를 거예요, 들를 겁니다

바라다 To want/ to hope/ to wish

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 바라, 바라요, 바랍니다

Past tense: 바랐어, 바랐어요, 바랐습니다

Future tense: 바랄 거야, 바랄 거예요, 바랄 겁니다

울리다 to sound out/ to ring/ peal of a bell/ clang

CONJUGATION:

Present tense:울려, 울려요, 울립니다

Past tense: 울렸어, 울렸어요, 울렸습니다

Future tense: 울릴 거야, 울릴 거예요, 울릴 겁니다

퍼지다 to spread out/ to circulate/ to travel

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 퍼져, 퍼져요, 퍼집니다

Past tense: 퍼졌어, 퍼졌어요, 퍼졌습니다

Future tense: 퍼질 거야, 퍼질 거예요, 퍼질 겁니다

말하다 to say/ to tell/ to speak

CONJUGATION:

Present tense:말해, 말해요, 말합니다

Past tense: 말했어, 말했어요, 말했습니다

Future tense: 말할 거야, 말할 거예요, 말할 겁니다

춥다 to be cold

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 추워, 추워요, 춥습니다

Past tense: 추웠어, 추웠어요, 추웠습니다

Future tense: 추울 거야, 추울 거예요, 추울 겁니다

예쁘다 to be pretty/ to be lovely

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 예뻐, 예뻐요, 예쁩니다

Past tense: 예뻤어, 예뻤어요, 예뻤습니다

Future tense: 예쁠 거야, 예쁠 거예요, 예쁠 겁니다

입다 to wear

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 입어, 입어요, 입습니다

Past tense: 입었어, 입었어요, 입었습니다

Future tense: 입을 거야, 입을 거예요, 입을 겁니다

높다 to be high/ to be tall

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 높아, 높아요, 높압니다

Past tense: 높았어, 높았어요, 높았습니다

Future tense: 높알 거야, 높알 거예요, 높알 겁니다

걷다 To walk

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 걸어; 걷어, 걸어요; 걷어요, 걷습니다

Past tense: 걸었어; 걷었어, 걸었어요; 걷었어요, 걸었습니다; 걷었습니다

Future tense: 걸을 거야; 걷을 거야, 걸을 거예요; 걷을 거예요, 걸을 겁니다; 걷을 겁니다

싶다 To want to

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 싶어, 싶어요, 싶습니다

Past tense: 싶었어, 싶었어요, 싶었습니다

Future tense: 싶을 거야, 싶을 거예요, 싶을 겁니다

희다 white/ fair

(For conjugation check Naver dictionary for full list)

저는 흰  스웨터 입고 있어요. I’m wearing a white sweater.

찾다 to find/ to look for

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 찾아, 찾아요, 찾습니다

Past tense: 찾았어, 찾았어요, 찾았습니다

Future tense: 찾을 거야, 찾을 거예요, 찾을 겁니다

달리다 to run/ to dash/ to gallop

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 달려, 달려요, 달립니다

Past tense: 달렸어, 달렸어요, 달렸습니다

Future tense: 달릴 거야, 달릴 거예요, 달릴 겁니다

상쾌하다 refreshing/ bracing/ crisp

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 상쾌해, 상쾌해요, 상쾌합니다

Past tense: 상쾌했어, 상쾌했어요, 상쾌했습니다

Future tense: 상쾌할 거야, 상쾌할 거예요, 상쾌할 겁니다

되다 to be/ to become

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 돼, 돼요, 됩니다

Past tense: 됐어, 됐어요, 됐습니다

Future tense: ��� 거야, 될 거예요, 될 겁니다

이루다 achieve/ accomplish

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 이뤄, 이뤄요, 이룹니다

Past tense: 이뤘어, 이뤘어요, 이뤘습니다

Future tense: 이룰 거야, 이룰 거예요, 이룰 겁니다

흥겹다 cheerful/ merry

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 흥겨워, 흥겨워요, 흥겹습니다

Past tense: 흥겨웠어, 흥겨웠어요, 흥겨웠습니다

기다리다 wait/ hold on

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 기다려, 기다려요, 기다립니다

Past tense: 기다렸어, 기다렸어요, 기다렸습니다

Future tense: 기다릴 거야, 기다릴 거예요, 기다릴 겁니다

고요하다 still/ quiet/ hushed

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 고요해, 고요해요, 고요합니다

Past tense: 고요했어, 고요했어요, 고요했습니다

숨기다 hide/ conceal

CONJUGATION:

Present tense: 숨겨, 숨겨요, 숨깁니다

Past tense: 숨겼어, 숨겼어요, 숨겼습니다

Future tense: 숨길 거야, 숨길 거예요, 숨길 겁니다

NOUNS & PRONOUNS

겨울 Winter

‘이 년에 포근한 겨울을 것 같아요.’ I think we’ll have a warm/ mild winter this year.

저는 겨울을 제일 좋아하는 계절이예요! My favourite season is winter!

전에 previously

한달전에 미나는 영어를 배우기 시작했다. A month ago Mina started to learn English. (Mine & papago assisted help)

저는 전에 은행에서  일했었다. I used to work at a bank.

만큼 as/ so/ how much/ how many

저는 미나만큼 피자를 많이 안 먹었어요! I didn't eat as much pizza as Mina did!

거기 There/ that

미나 씨 거기 있어요? Mina, are you there?

가슴 chest

그 슬푼 소설은 내가 가슴에 와 닿았어요. The sad novel touched my heart/ The sad story hit home.

종소리 sound of a bell

오늘 today

오늘은 진짜 추워네! It’s really cold today!

어제밤 last night

어제밤에 어디 갔아요? Where did you go last night?

꿈 dream

어젯밤에 무서운 꿈을 꿨어. I had a scary dream last night.

처럼 like/ as if

동화처럼 Like a fairy tale

신 shoes/ footwear

나막신 clogs (Naver)

밤새우다 to stay up all night

밤 night/ night time

어제밤에서 새로 나이트클럽 갔어요. I went to a new nightclub last night.

사이 gap/ space/ relationship

미나 씨의 친구와 내가 사이가 좋지 않아요. Mina's friend and I don't get along well.

그 사람와 내가 사이가 좋아요. He and I get along well.

기분 feelings/ mood

오늘도 기분이 진짜 좋아요! I feel really good today!

무엇보다 most of all/ above all

선물 present/ gift

이거 미나 씨 는 크리스마스  선물이예요. This is a Christmas gift for Mina.

소원 wish/ hope

용기 courage/ nerve

하얀 white

이대로 like this

그 남자가 이대로 좋아요. I like him as he is.

그동안 meanwhile

Phew sorry that was a really long post! I hope you enjoyed listening to the song and studying the lyrics! I can’t believe that 2021 is nearly upon us! The next Musical Monday that I do will be in the New Year! 

Uggh this song is just too cute you guys! 🙈

As always 

Happy studying and stay safe! x 

Notes: Gif not created by me, all credit should go to the original creator. I just searched for it on tumblr! 

Sources: Verbix.com, Naver dictionary, Papago translations, Koreanverb.app, Wiktionary. 

[safflowerseason]

The OC rewatch - 2x09, The Ex-Factor

To the lovely and insightful anon who sent in the ask regarding my take on Ryan and Marissa’s fight in 2x09 -

I answered the post and put half of my response under a “Keep Reading” cut because it basically turned into a mini-essay and I wanted to preserve everyone’s timelines. But because this website has the clunky design of a junkyard car, the formatting got all messed up when I added tags to the ask post (@Tumblr - why can you not tag an ask post directly?!) and moved the cut to just below the original ask, hiding the whole response, at which point I got so frustrated I deleted the whole thing. 

Anyway, Anon, you noted that this fight in 2x09 really encapsulates Ryan and Marissa’s baggage as a couple, and is also one of the few moments in the show they are genuinely open about their issues. As any Veep fans who read this blog know…I adore breaking down a good explosive fight (and I love writing them, too). One of my proudest accomplishments on this website is my close-reading of Dan and Amy’s fight in Ep. 5.03. So I analyzed the hell out of this fight for you, because you’re right—it is a very important fight for Ryan and Marissa. I also included the make-up conversation they have after the argument as well, because it seems to me that the two moments are linked. 

First, a few opening comments. 

Thematically, this episode calls back to Ep. 1.13, The Best Chrismukkah Ever, which is the last time we have really seen Ryan and Marissa confronting this idea that the way she deals with the challenges of her life—drinking and other reckless behavior—bring up very real shit for him, emotionally (even if he is also subconsciously attracted to her because of it). This dimension of their relationship kind of gets swept under the rug for the rest of S1, with the Oliver and Theresa drama. But it’s back on full display here, since Marissa is (theoretically) supposed to have spent most of the first third of S2 on a low-grade bender. Note that Ryan refers to the “Dawn Atwood special” earlier when he’s speaking to a drunk Lindsay. This is a familiar trauma, watching over a drunk woman, and it brings out the worst in him.

I also find this argument noteworthy because it shows Ryan in his worst light, but not necessarily Marissa. Yeah, she knowingly let Lindsay drink too much, which is a pretty passive-aggressive move, but she’s distinctly not Lindsay’s babysitter. And when a drunken Lindsay (somehow) makes her way back to the club, Marissa and Alex start looking after her. It’s Ryan who goes off on Marissa with very little provocation, and it’s clearly more about his own issues than hers. I just think it’s significant that this fight occurs on a night Marissa is pretty well behaved, all things considered. Not to wave away Marissa’s substance abuse issues, which are serious, but this fight at least demonstrates that Ryan’s explosions of violent overprotectiveness would not necessarily be solved if Marissa suddenly stopped drinking tomorrow. Their issues with one another are more complicated than that.

Anyway, so here we are, in the backroom of the The Bait Shop that is mysteriously run by an emancipated minor (Alex Kelly). Lindsay is passed out on the couch; Marissa and Alex are tending to her.

Marissa: I can do that. Ryan: I think you've done enough. Marissa: Oh, ok, so this is the part where you blame it all on me? Ryan: You’re right, it was Lindsay's idea to pound straight vodka and pass out…feel good to see someone else mess up for a change?

Out of all the teenagers on the show, I don’t think we ever see Ryan drink? He clearly views binge drinking as a moral failing. This is understandable given his upbringing, but alcoholism is much more than a question of good vs. bad. (Although just to be clear…I do not think binge drinking is a good thing, especially for teenagers.)

Marissa: It was her idea! And, ok, so it got a little outta control b- Ryan: It always does with you! You spent all last year trying to drag me down with you, and now her? You wanna make a mess outta your own life, fine! You’re doing a pretty good job of it if you ask me.

Ryan uses the word “mess” twice in this sequence of dialogue, which is very telling. Even more than S1, in S2 we’ve seen Ryan truly trying to capitalize on the opportunity his relationship with the Cohens has brought him. The line “drag me down with you” is extra significant. In S1, Ryan was pretty willing to throw himself into Marissa’s life and try to solve all her problems, which he views as Marissa “dragging him down.” (Lol, remember when he blew off his entrance exam for Harvard to help Marissa escape from the hospital?) But this year, Ryan has done the opposite. He’s thrown himself into things not involving Marissa, namely his schoolwork, and he clearly sees his relationship with Lindsay, studious and innocent, as part of that new direction. As a result, Marissa’s “mess” has become even more of a risk to his future.

But at the same time, Ryan is so afraid that Marissa is going to destroy her life in some way, and therefore his life. As you said, Anon, he’s conflicted about her place in his life because of the potential danger of her actions, even as he’s drawn to her beauty and vulnerability otherwise. So, he goes after her in a way that is pretty unjustified in this particular moment.

Alex: No one asked you! Ryan: (aggressively) What did you say?! Seth: Hey, Ryan, let’s…let’s go. Ryan: No, I'm not leaving her here. Alex: I’ll take care of her—you go.

As an episode that begins to set up Marissa’s relationship with Alex, this episode doesn’t do a bad job. Alex, as the one person in Marissa’s life who actually defends her, must come as an incredible relief.

And now we’re in Alex’s apartment, where Ryan has come to apologize.

Ryan: Look, I don't know…I…I guess I was hoping this could be easy...for you and me to stay friends…for you and Lindsay to be friends. Marissa: (skeptical) And have us all live happily ever after? Ryan: (sheepish) Yeah, something like that. Marissa: I know it seems like a million years ago we dated, but it wasn’t. Ryan: I know that. Marissa: And ok, maybe you're over it, maybe it doesn't mean anything to you anymore…maybe it never did...but it meant a lot to me. You meant a lot to me...still do.

I think Barton is actually decent in this scene. She doesn’t overplay Marissa’s confession. She’s very quiet and matter-of-fact, and it makes her words all the more devastating. Meanwhile, the camera cuts to Ryan’s face throughout this line, and Ben Mckenzie makes a series of expressions that make it pretty clear that Ryan has been pretty actively not thinking about his and Marissa’s relationship, because it’s just too much.

Ryan: ...it's not like that I...I don't know what it’s like… And…thinking you and Lindsay should be friends was a bad idea. Marissa: Why? I like her. And if you do the math, she's my step sister, so… Ryan: …I guess. (Mckenzie is unintentionally hilarious with this delivery.) (pause) Marissa: Look, clearly, it's gonna be strange for us for a while. Ryan: Yeah I know, you’re right. (pause, turns for the door) I’m sorry. That's what I came here to say. Marissa: I’m sorry too.

The way BM delivers that last line, genuinely heartfelt, the emphasis on the word “sorry”…it's really Ryan apologizing for his departure at the end of S1 and the manner of his return. He left abruptly, he came back abruptly, they never talked about any of it, and he and Marissa basically stopped speaking after the (contrived) DJ reveal. They never had a chance to clear the air, and it’s not like they broke up because they stopped having feelings for one other...all their joint pain over what happened has just been festering.

So, Anon, that’s my take on this great fight. Thanks so much for sending in the ask!

[soufcakmistress]

Daddy’s Here..

A/N: So in my fumblings and bumblings of this app, I somehow ended up deleting all the text from this post. I’m trying not to scream, but at least I didn’t delete the whole post with your beautiful words and encouragement! Sooooo here we go! My very first piece of fanfic on Tumblr!

Pairing: Erik Stevens x Thick Black Reader

Summary: Y/N is so wound up and needs her release. She can’t wait. Only one person can relieve her.

Pen cap chewn between her teeth, Y/N was restless. Desperate. Longing. It’s just after lunchtime and the work day is going at a snail’s pace. Phone call after phone call, surrounded by mountains of paperwork, how can she focus when all Y/N can think about is him bringing her to her peak over and over again with ease...

Y/N clenches her thick thighs, shivers running through her body, daydreaming of the utter ecstasy that encapsulated her the night before. In a fit of frustration, she unbuttons her blouse and unpins her hair, kinks and curls cascading across her shoulders. In that moment, she knows she can’t hold out any longer.

Cradling her office phone in the crux of her shoulder, tangling the phone cord around her finger, she dials his number, every ring on the phone has her lying in wait. Gratefully, She doesn’t have to wait long, y/n is greeted with a raspy baritone, ready to appeal to her most basic need..

“Hey baby, wassup? You miss daddy already?”

“Daddy, I can’t wait until 5....I need you...”

Erik runs his tongue across his teeth then smirking, “what do you need, baby? Tell Daddy..”

Leaning over her desk, y/n stops herself from salivating on herself and responds breathily, “I need YOU, Daddy....by me, next to me, inside of me....right now...”

“Daddy can’t deny his baby especially when she’s asking me so nicely....I’m on my way. You know how I want you.” he replied smoothly, every word a balm to her aching center.

“Yes Daddy I do....please hurry....” Y/N said, eager to please and have him attend to her every whim.

20 minutes later....

*phone rings*

“Y/N, you have a visitor, should I send him in?” Your assistant Renee questions, eyeing this gorgeous specimen of a man waiting on her boss.

“Yes, at once. Renee, hold my calls and reschedule all of my appointments for the rest of the day. As a matter of fact, you take the rest of the day off.” Y/n told her, slightly flustered at the thought of his presence so close to her.

“He’s on his way. Thanks Boss! You have a good day yourself.”

Renee eyes Erik’s countenance as he passes her desk to Y/N’s office, and she can’t help but to stare. Six feet tall, muscles everywhere, medium brown skin without flaws, deep dimples, white teeth with gold slugs, no wonder Boss lady is sprung.

Erik glides to the door and steps inside and winks at Renee as he turns around and closes the door. “Whew chile!” Renee exclaimed as she gathers her belongings to leave.

Erik stands in front of the closed door, gazing at the sinful sight ahead of him. His baby girl, bent over her desk, with her pencil skirt at her waist and her lace panties at her heels, her slit slippery with her want. He palms his growing erection, feeling the beast shedding his restraints.

“Daddy’s here. And look at you, all that ass in the air. You missed Daddy huh?” cockiness flowing through his words, his knowledge of his power evident. He strolls to the side of the desk, viewing his baby girl with her hands laid flat on her desk and her brown eyes trailing his every step. Plopping down in her huge office chair, y/n’s cunt peeking through slick with her cum, and Erik’s nostrils flare as he breathes deeply to center himself before he absolutely ruins his baby girl.

“Daddy please touch me. Please. Please I can’t wait any longer.” She begs him for a reprieve as her anticipation is at the tipping point.

Rolling his tongue around his mouth, he looks intently at her, admiring how eager she is for his touch. “You’re so fucking beautiful baby girl. Knowing your position...couldn’t even wait til you got home for this dick. You must really love Daddy.”

He quickly stands up and finally places a hand on the small of her back. “Let Daddy show his baby girl how much he loves her..”

Y/N is squirming, shuffling her feet, rubbing her thighs together with her slick, delighted that he’s finally touching her. Erik takes his free hand and slaps her right cheek, rubbing it after to ease the sting. He alternates on both cheeks and she’s dripping. Erik bends down, face to face with her butt as he spreads her open with an uninhibited view of her pussy, y/n gasping at his show of force.

His wide tongue licks her from the top of her clit to her ass repeatedly, reminding him of how good she always tastes. “Mmmm, she ready now”, Erik murmured. He rises to his feet, unzipping his pants, and pulling himself out of his boxers.

Y/N looks back in attempt to get a quick look at that magnificent penis, and Erik grabs y/n by her coils, whispering menacingly in her ear, “You were doing so well baby, stay yo ass where you supposed to be.”

Erik holds the base of his 9 inch wonder and rubs the mushroom tip along her engorged lips and y/n’s jaw goes slack. If he teases her any longer, she’s so sure that she’ll shed a tear.

He lines himself up and intrudes her tight little hole, her walls already gripping him. “Oh fuck!” They say in unison, almost in disbelief at how good it feels. He strokes in and out slowly and surely until he bottoms out and he presses on her cervix.

Y/N is a moaning mess, overjoyed that Daddy came to her rescue to scratch that itch of hers. Erik gets into a rhythm, and Y/N starts to pant like a bitch in heat. “Daddy don’t stop, you feel so good inside me.” A light sheen of sweat covers her face, along with her bottom lip tucked under her teeth.

After the numerous amount of times that they fucked, he still is amazed at how her ass bounces on him like so. “Gotdamn, baby girl. That pussy gripping Daddy. Let me get up in there.” Erik pulls his shirt under his chin as he gazes at himself penetrating her sweet pussy, cream building up. Long strokes are given out, and Y/N feels every single vein along that big ol dick, massaging her insides, bringing her closer and closer to completion.

Erik is riled up now, overtaken by the warmth and wetness of his baby girl’s pussy. Grabbing her waist, bouncing her ass against his pelvis, he has the intent to punish now.

Erik is fucking y/n violently now, all 9inches down to his balls slamming her, showing her how much Daddy wants her to feel good. “Yeahhhhhh, that’s what I’m talking about. Take that dick, balls deep, you can take it baby.” Erik exclaims.

Y/n’s mind goes blank and her body starts to tense as the orgasm of a lifetime is at the cusp as Erik pushes her closer to her mark. “Yes Daddy yes!!!! I’m about to fucking cum!”

Erik grabs her arms and raises her from the desk, his left arm looped through her limbs, right hand gripping her breast. Pounding her with no mercy, he whispers to her, “Daddy loves you so much baby girl, now cum for Daddy. Cum for me baby.”

Y/N can’t hold it a second longer, and her pitch is elevated with how hard she cums on him. Whole body is shaking and she can’t stop trembling as Erik is still ramming her with his pole. His gasps and grunts in her ear are so erotic and she can’t believe that this fine ass nigga with the great dick is all hers. Erik is close and she knows it. “Cum for your baby girl, Daddy. Gimme all that nut, I need it Daddy!”

Erik gives four unrelenting strokes and his hot cum blazes from his magnificent cock and y/n squeezes to get every drop inside of her. He falls forward, his ribbed chest to her back, breathing intensely.

Y/n is laid out on her desk, blouse wrinkled, hair askew, Erik laying on her back, giving butterfly kisses along her spine sighing blissfully. “Thank you Daddy.” She says. “You know Daddy gotchu baby girl,” as he laps his fat tongue in her mouth. “Daddy loves his baby girl..”

They start to redress, both grinning from ear to ear. Picking up her ruined panties, Erik snatches them from Y/N, and deeply inhales her scent, never losing eye contact with her.

“Uh uh, these belong to me. That pussy got a lot to look forward to when she gets home.” He wraps a big arm around her waist and pulls her in, torsos and pelvises touching. “see you later baby girl”, he says as he gives her another passionate kiss and squeezes both cheeks in his massive hands.

Y/N, left in a daze, can’t even reply. She just cheeses and moistens her lips until she sees him exit the door. Sis plops down in her office chair, drained from the workout. “That’s why that nigga is Daddy, gotdamn gotdamn!”

[spnfanficpond]

December Angel Fish Awards

Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words.

The monthly Angel Fish Awards are peer-nominated, meaning ANYONE IN THE POND CAN NOMINATE ANY POND MEMBER’S FIC. While the Pond was founded to support the Guppies, everyone in this community deserves to be showered with love and feedback, and we hope that by opening this up as a Pond wide system, we’ll be able to share the love as far as it can go.

NOTE: WE’VE BEEN HAVING OCCASIONAL PROBLEMS WITH ASKS GOING MISSING. Please use the Submit button when submitting your nominations and make sure you’re signed into Tumblr or your URL won’t show. (If the form asks for your name and email address, then you’re not signed in.) If you like, you can also send a message to Michelle or Mana to check and make sure we got your submission.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE ARE DECEMBER’S ANGEL FISH AWARDS!

Nominated by @princessmisery666​

Gone (oneshot) by @there-must-be-a-lock​

@impala-dreamer​’s end of year quickie challenge was a great one but this on by @there-must-be-a-lock​ stuck with me. So much emotion in under 500 words :) 

Why Can’t There Be A Santa (oneshot) by @risingphoenix761​

This was kinda heart breaking and fluffy and sweet all at the same. I love me some fluff!! 

Who’d Have Thought (oneshot) by @firefly-in-darkness​

Daisy got me all hot and bothered with this one and then unexpectedly pulled my heart out of my chest!! Love a surprise ending and a bit of smut!! 

Nominated by @flamencodiva​

A Series of Firsts (series) by @fictionalabyss​

I love her story a series of firsts! it is amazing to see the ups and downs and the alternate endings.

Wayward Hearts (series) by @foreverwayward​

This has to be my all time series re-write! I think Brittney captures the story so well and is able to weave Riley into the story as if she is actually a part of the show! Brittney does a good job in her storytelling and the romance between Dean and Riley is so innocent and pure! 

Moonstone (series) by @impala-dreamer​

This is one of my favorite stories by Beka! it was one of the first ones and it wasn’t the last I have read of her work. I love the dynamic and the story she wove in. I’m also always a sucker for a hero and protective Dean. 

His Property (series) by @negans-lucille-tblr​

This is an amazing fic! I love the bdsm and the way Dean is set up in this! It is a great and hot story as well as a well woven story of angst and unrequited love in the underlying reading. The twists and turns of this story also have you on the edge of your seat! 

Nominated by @wildfirewinchester​

About A Boy (series) by @percywinchester27​

The series is amazing, and it perfectly encapsulates Dean’s character. It also has enough hints here and there where you always think you know what’s going on (sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t), and then there’s a twist and you get to find out whether or not you were right! The idea is so original and I’ve never read a fic with the same premise. I’m always so excited when I see there’s a new part and I always have to read it right then and there.

Nominated by @sorenmarie87​

Five Minutes (series) by @idabbleincrazy​

This fic started out sweet, moved into angst and somehow rounded out with its ending.  I won’t spoil it for those who want to read it but it was worth it :)

What Hurts The Most (oneshot) by @iflostreturntosteverogers​

Carrie is great with writing angst and this fic, even though it was for a challenge, managed to do that with only 500 words.

Flip (oneshot) by @luci-in-trenchcoats​

It’s no secret that I love A/B/O fics but I think this is the first one that I’ve read that involves body-swapping.   

Nominated by @manawhaat​

Who’d Have Thought (oneshot) by @firefly-in-darkness​

Ok, the smut is lovely. Smut is always lovely, but what earns this a nom is the last fucking line. I was slapped in the face, hard, with the goddamn feelings. And as much as I hate that, I’m also a SLUT for that shit! 

A Different Kind of Therapy (series) by @saxxxology​

JESUS CHRISTO. There are only three chapters out right now but the whole premise behind this is just FASCINATING! I’ve read about different kind of meditative sex therapy, but the way this unfolds is really unique and honestly, I feel like this should be a fucking thing in the real world. It’s definitely worth checking out. 

Nominated by @lovetusk​

I’d like to nominate Special One (oneshot) by @evansrogerskitten​  & The marvelous lands of Sam’s chest (oneshot)  by @focusonspn​ for the simple fact that I am a Sam girl and a total sucker for not only Alpha Sam, but also his chest hair. Yum.

Nominated by @impala-dreamer​

Renegade (oneshot) by @princessmisery666​  

Very nicely done!! The descriptions were lovely and I heard Billie’s voice so clearly!

Bite Me (oneshot) by @maddiepants​

OMGOMGOMG me toooooo!!! This is just perfectly delicious and naughty and… sames. Sames… the TEETH!!!!!

Ghost Rider (oneshot) by @squirrelnotsam​ 

I LOVED THIS SO MUCH! Such a clever idea! Like, of course he would attach himself like that! And he’s still so …DEAN. protective and sassy and Y/N is perfect. I loved this a whole bunch!!

Nominated by @thegirlwhorunswithwinchesters​

Strong leader type having to physically fall down in order for people to see they’re exhausted (oneshot) by @imagineteamfreewill​

I decided to start the new year off right by finding my way back into the world of tumblr spn fics after an unplanned hiatus. And what better way to do so than by spreading the love through these amazing awards? This is the first fic I came across and I immediately fell in love. Anything that emphasizes how amazing and hardworking Sam is - and how he deserves a break and all the love in the world - is something I’ll defend with my life.

Vision of Love (series) by @princessmisery666​

Second fic I wanted to put a spotlight on is this prequel to an amazing series by an amazing author. I remember reading parts of this before I went MIA and I cannot wait to finish the series and find out what happened now that I’m back. For now, I’m reveling in the wonder that is this fluffy prequel.

The marvelous lands of Sam’s chest (oneshot)  by @focusonspn​

If this isn’t a mood, I don’t know what is. It’s hot, it’s sweet, it’s everything I’ll ever need. Yes, it is indeed so good that I felt the urge to rhyme.

Unstoppable (oneshot) by @evansrogerskitten​

Talk about sexual tension. I love the idea of the reader hiding her true nature and the consequences that had. On top of that, the author’s writing is amazing as always.

Christmas Gone Wrong (oneshot) by @peridottea91​

Next up on my mission to spread the love is this fun little domestic oneshot. I love the bickering and the jokes. Also, now I’m craving cookies.

Masterlist by @pink1031​

I was so excited when I saw this author on the new pond members list, meaning I could nominate her. She’s an amazing writer and I couldn’t possibly pick just one fic to nominate, so I went for the entire masterlist instead. Besides a talented writer, she’s also just an absolute gem who works hard and deserves to be recognized for it.

Nominated by @slytherkins

Recompense (oneshot) by @thoughtslikeaminefield

Pretty tasty. Kinda makes me want to piss Dean off. (But that might just be my inner Brat talking.) <3

Nominated by @thelittleredwhocould​/ @samsexualdeancurious​

Old Man (oneshot) @manawhaat 

This fic is a companion/sequel/alternate ending to one of my own fics and I LOVE it. I was so excited when Mana came to me with it. Some good old fashioned Alpha!John/Omega!Reader smut. So, so good.

Lucid Lies (oneshot) by @manawhaat 

Fucking love this fic. So, so good. I’m a sucker for a good djinn-related story cos they’re the perfect vessel for the best angst and this is no exception.

Maybe (oneshot) by @manawhaat 

Read this if you want to cry cos this has ALL the feels. All of them.

A Bed is a Bed (series) by @saxxxology​

I think this one is inspired by a play and Saxxy was texting me when she planned it out. So, so good. Saxxy does a great job setting the scene and unf the smut. *heart eyes*

About a Boy (series) by @percywinchester27​ 

I’m in loooooove with this series. I’ve never been big on young!Winchester fics but the premise of this is so good and the payoff is even better. I can’t wait to find out what happens next.

A stranger in need (oneshot) @percywinchester27​ 

I love the AU in this fic and I’m not gonna tell you what it is cos that would give everything away! This is just so good. Sam is such a sweetheart and I just adore him.

Caught (series) by @thecleverdame​ 

I’m just dying for the next chapter of this fic! The concept pulled me in immediately. There’s only two chapters on Tumblr so far but omg I just. Love it.

This is How (oneshot) by @mrswhozeewhatsis​ 

Angsty angsty angsty angst. Love it. I’m not the biggest Amelia fan but I this peak into Sam’s thought process and feelings at the beginning of s8. So good.

Thank you all for the awesome work and great feedback!

As with the BFAs, these are not actual awards! This system is set up so everyone in the pond has a chance to share the love and promote a fic/author that has grabbed your attention. The more people that participate, and the more everyone remembers to submit their own fics after posting, the better this will be :D

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!

[tonyglowheart]

Wangxian ft. oh my god they were soulmates

aka: I break down my perspective on translating “知己” and why I defend translating it as “confidant”/“true friend” etc. (i.e. it’s NOT bad translation if the subber doesn’t translate it to “soulmate,” because the term used is different, and different terms in CN exist that do directly mean soulmate. But I think the scene CAN be understood as a “they have a soul-deep connection”/confession scene, and should be understood as such. My intention is more: do not attack translators for “bad” translations, especially if you don’t actually understand what the original is)

So first off, “知己” does not, in fact, translate to “soulmate.” I don’t think the concept of the “soul” or “spirit” in traditional Chinese cosmology is treated quite the same it is within western Christian concepts. I think the anglophone term “soulmate” is heavily colored with the concept of predestination, and of a duality (i.e. with Aristophenes’ story about Zeus splitting a being into two, and a soulmate being a joining of this previously singular being whose body/soul is now split in two). This is where I think “soulmate” may not be the most apt translation, as to me with what “soulmate” implies, it rigidizes their relationship into a specific box without considering the depth of context and development built into mdzs/The Untamed. (It’s a fun brightline shorthand tho! and I definitely love the meme-factor of “oh my god they were soulmates,” but I think it shouldn’t be taken as the end-all, be-all translation when taking cultural context into consideration, and it rubs me wrong when I see ppl decrying other translations as somehow being lesser than just the shorthand of “soulmate.” i.e. I like “soulmate” as an English translation too, but I want to see it further contextualized beyond a simplified concept of the word.)

That being said, what 知己 DOES mean, from Pleco and other translation engines, is “confidant,” “bosom friend,” “intimate friend.” The characters translate to “know” and “self/you.” So then, together, this means someone who knows you inside and out, who you can confide anything in, who may already know what you’re going to say to them. From what I’ve read in some forum posts I’ve found discussing how to translate 知己, this term can be used platonically or romantically, but does not quite have the degree that “soulmate” has in English. (the posters don’t really elaborate, but I think what they mean there is the more “you have a predestined match, usually romantic” usage of the concept of “soulmate,” like in a soulmate AU you’d see in fandom)

However, I still defend that scene as a romantic scene, not for the word itself used but for the context in which it came up.

Immediately preceding the line, we have this:

[Now that I think of it, that time really was lonely]

[The few people who believed me all died...]

[Wen Ning... Senior Sister...]

[Luckily...]

[Lan Zhan: There’s still someone who believes you in this world.]

Now I want to point out, right now all of this isn’t spoken out loud to each other. It’s all VO. But they’re clearly having a conversation with each other. Which I think really ties into the 知己 idea, that they know each other so well that they don’t need spoken words to know what each other is thinking. They’re literally finishing each other’s sentences in VO.

I wanted to show the Chinese subs here too along with the fansubs because the original doesn’t just say HAVING, “得” is more like get/gain/earn, so it’s not just that he HAS one soulmate, but that he earned/gained one zhiji (someone who understands him inside and out), is enough. (the “is enough” part also interests me because the characters are 足矣, with the first part meaning “enough, ample sufficient” and the second being a classical literary way of ending sentences, so it’s not just a casual determination of “yeah one is good,” but a meaningful declaration.)

To me, this reminds me of this one post I saw on Tumblr where someone got advice about love from an elderly Latina lady about how love is built, and there was a metaphor of do you think our ancestors discovered the temples as is? They found a site and built them. I think this, to me, better illustrates the power of WangXian as a relationship; they’ve been through So Much but throughout it all, it wasn’t some kind of external predestination that brought them together, but that they brought themselves together and gained/earned this intimate understanding of each other, and their indelible tie is through that.

The other part that gets me is the lines following this:

(jfc Lan Zhan speaks too literarily. I’m on Pleco scrolling through trying to find the classical literary context of things like bls,,, my heritage Chinese can’t deal with this D8) 

But anyway: Lan Zhan goes something like “Nothing else is needed, as long as you have a clear conscience,” which Wei Ying’s VO echoes. And this ofc echoes their wish from the lanterns ;-;

And also, Wuji plays in the background starting from “Luckily..” so A++ for romantic framing.

My conclusion being: I think the scene definitely is romantic, and while they may not be “soulmates,” I think the totality of it sets it up as a very beautiful and poignant scene which sort of lays out the nature of their relationship in a deep and meaningful way that can’t be encapsulated in one word, and also I think indicates intrinsically that their relationship was earned/built and not predestined.

.....And also also: um the guqin rendition of Wuji preceding this part? is so unlike the other renditions we’ve heard, it’s hesitant and not on-beat, and sounds exactly to me like the sound of someone playing while looking for notes & where the notes are on the qin, with some parts going faster bc they’re more familiar and odd gaps between notes that aren’t melodic choices. i.e. istg it HAS to be Wang Yibo playing it right??? if it were dubbed like the others it wouldn’t sound exactly the way that someone learning both the piece and the instrument would sound like playing it??? It’s gotta be, right??? It’s--

edit/addendum: I’ve been wrestling with this idea and toying with it a LOT, and I think, ultimately, given the words that ARE available in English... yeah “soulmate” probably WOULD be a very acceptable understanding of what the scene means. Especially since in the novel, we have 命定之人, “fated person.” HOWEVER, I want to emphasize: it’s not necessarily “bad” translation if the subber doesn’t translate it as soulmate! because the original term DOESN’T mean that, the translation of soulmate in CN is 灵魂伴侣. however, from how the term sounds to me, and from people I’ve chatted with, my impression is this term is more of a literal translation; one person told me they only really see this in subbed films or foreign media.

[saltine-kakyoin]

OH SHIT!!!! my clown ass never saw that u rb'd those ask posts, i was Looking at my notifs to see if u would so i could send u some but SOMEHOW I MISSED IT??? clown hours.... ANyways for the emoji one have 🤗💙💘🍀😇 and 👍 (tried to not do repeats from your ask 2 me cause they all apply anyways but, Regardless) and for the questions post, maybe 5, 11, 12, 17, 20, 23 and 25? ;__;/ ily so much and i hope u have a rlly lovely night!!! and that this coming week is kinder 2 u!!!! 💖💖💖💖

ahhh, it’s no worries!!! idk about you but for me, tumblr has been having the Time of Its LIFE lately wrt notifications and most disconcertingly, unfollowing people! D: so i completely get it, it’s no worries!!! ;w;/ i already know for a Fact i’m going to write so so much, so i’m gonna put this under a readmore >w< ruth 🤝 sarah respectful lesbian moments

edit: so I finished writing it and it’s Insanely Long- just in case you don’t make it to the bottom, thank you mein broth-er!!!! ; O; i hope you have a wonderful night too!! writing all of this out made me reminisce on some really nice times, and I’m having an a1 night! ^^ ilysm! it’ll probably be daytime when you read this, so i hope you have a great day! <3

🤗 given the chance I would gladly hug you

on god!!!! ;___; i think i would frfr dissolve if a got a Ruth-Certified hug, things have been so overwhelming lately

💙 you are my closest friend

the feeling is mutual!! <3 we don’t always get to talk often, but fhdhshg when we do we talk about like All of the Madness in Sarah’s Mind^tm, and you are so patient + tolerant of my incoherent ramblings which is something i don’t think i’ve ever fully experienced? anyhow, after a year (more than a year?) of having these kinds of convos and going through the general madness of life together, I totally agree ;w;

💘 I love you so much

i love you too!!! so so much!!! 💃🕺 i don’t think words will ever be able to express how much i love and appreciate you! 💜💛

🍀 i’m lucky to have met you

i know we talk about this often, but seriously i feel the same way! it’s a little crazy that we met, technically, because Joseph Joestar tm deserved more than to be a cheater... there is something hilarious about this wild friendship rooting from him!! of all jojos!! 🤢 but i’m so grateful that we met, it’s been such a wonderful ride ;w; <3

😇 you’re a sweet cinnamon bun

🥺🥺🥺🥺 bro i- fhdhghdhgh thank you!!! ;o;

👍 you are fun to be around

ahhh, thank you!!! i am glad you feel this way bc whoo boy, i think some other people would look at the madness i tell you about and go 👁️👁️ that’s a no for me, luvs. remember last year when i was losing it tryna prepare for ren faire + i cut my palm on that one glass bottle? bc a- i barely do and b- i feel like that moment encapsulates the nicki minaj roman holiday-ness of my life XD i’m really grateful you’ve stuck around through it all 🤗💕💖

now buckle in bro!!!! the essays are incoming!!!

5. Name a movie that makes you genuinely laugh.

i swear on my life the Mortal Kombat movie from 1995 is a national treasure, it is SUCH a solid movie and has so many funny moments. Robin Shou makes such a 🥺🥺 Liu Kang, and jesus fuck he can be so savage when the script calls for it!! there’s one part where he takes Johnny Cage’s luggage and straight up fucking chucks it into the ocean + then bullies him about it later! honestly the Ballad of Johnny Cage and His Luggage is one of my favorite parts from the movie <3 if you haven’t seen it + you like cheesy, old school movies, i really recommend it!!!

11. Describe the memory of the last time you felt true happiness.

So I can’t remember the last time I did, bc my memory is horrifically terrible + probably getting worse as time goes on?? but i will tell you about one of the more recent times I remember! :D There is one crucial expository note for this memory- my brother-in-law makes THE best chili in the entire world. my brother and I were trying to recreate it because it’s such a simple but delicious + filling meal- I think this was our first time trying to create it? and it was SO chaotic, the tomato sauce and stuff kept popping and burning me and we weren’t 100% certain that we’d gathered the right ratios for the ingredients and it was just. madness lmao. Chance’s chili is one that you leave alone for multiple hours at a time (I think this is the case for all chili but i don’t cook often enough to know ;__;), and we were kinda 👀👀👀 because we weren’t sure it’d turn out right? But it did!!!! I vividly remember when it was finished and we taste-tested it + went oOOH FUCK! it wasn’t quite the same as chance’s but ohhh my god it was so good 🥰🥰🥰 but yeah!! we ate it all up and I think this was around the time I started my playthrough of Esteban for Dragon Age 2? which was one of my favorite playthroughs for the entire franchise... he’s just a simple ig beard model mage ;w; i wanted to show you what he looked like in this post but the formatting went wonky so ig i’ll just post him separately?? it’s 1000% in-character for him to infiltrate my jojo blog 😔

12. Name a song that makes you feel ethereal.

hm...I’d say it’s between Forget About or Feet of Clay! They’re both such light and tenderhearted songs, and when I listen to them I feel like I’m in an apartment kitchen slow-dancing with a love, and it’s so dark except for the slowly rising sun. I don’t know if that feeling could be described as ethereal? but it’s close enough for me

17. What is something you own that is important to you? What makes it so important?

I have a small collection of scripts from the shows I’ve been in, and two of the most important ones are from the plays my high school put on during my sophomore and junior years, The Nit-Wits and The Musical Comedy Murders of 1940, respectively! The Nit-Wits has a ton of sentimental value to me because it was the last show I genuinely acted in, and it was a show we had to pull together in 2 or 3 weeks!! We were originally going to do a murder mystery play for the fall, but none of the cast was feeling it and it just wasn’t going to come to life in time (honestly this speaks volumes for how much we weren’t vibing with it, because all of our shows came together at like.. the final dress rehearsals if not opening night lmao). I vividly remember we took a vote during rehearsals about whether or not to switch the show, and then we did and it was SO fun + chaotic!! My character was one of the only regular characters in the show, but I think everyone else had a lot of fun acting as actors who were hired to be maniacal, and that made acting off of them so fun! I remember there was also a night my friend Adonis almost tore the entire set down because he ran through a door and tripped over a set brace in his haste!! The Nit-Wits is hugely important because it was a really fresh acting experience for me, and again, my last time genuinely on the stage and not behind the scenes!

MCM is important to me because it was the first play I ever stage managed! I’d stage managed our musical the spring prior, but that was a huge undertaking and involved many different people and moving parts. Stage managing a play, at least at my high school, was a calmer and more intimate experience, and one I really enjoyed! Another huge reason I treasure MCM’s script is because it is one of the last shows I had with my friend I told you about- he was a senior. I have little notes and doodles from the cast and crew scattered throughout my book for this show, and I remember being so irritated by this because it meant I was losing space for stage directions, cues, and notes. Now, I’m super grateful to have these scribbles- it’s one of the only things I have left of him. 

On that note, relating to him, MCM is also the show which birthed my most horrific theater horror story!! During one of the performances, I guess he forgot his line?? idk. But he ended up jumping six pages ahead of where the current scene was (I knew this bc I was following along in my book backstage + was frantically trying to figure out where he’d gone), which threw the entire cast, who were all tragically onstage, way off-track. This resulted in the most frightening game of script ping-pong I’ve ever seen: he’d skipped six pages ahead, so Adonis ended up saying a line from two pages after the six-page skip, and somehow someone else went!! oh I have a response to that line! And then said something like 9 pages back! I think the lead actress tried to ground everyone back to the lines they were supposed to be saying, but she ended up just saying a lot of their lines? And one of those lines that was supposed to be said by someone else was supposed to cue a black-out that someone got murdered in, but my lighting techie was SO fucking lost (we were both huddled over the script next to the breaker trying to figure out WHERE the hell we were! i think i had a flashlight in my mouth so I could flip through the book with both hands and thus faster??), so ofc the lights stayed up! I remember getting through this scene being the most painstaking endeavor of my entire life, but thankfully intermission was right after it! We actually extended intermission because the cast needed a hot second to fuckign RESET for Act 2 bc sweet jesus that was so bizarre...Needless to say, after that show we never messed that scene up again + everyone who acted in the show became super anal about knowing their lines as the years went on. The Six Page Skip became a legendary part of our hs theater Canon (like biblical canon ;w; although I don’t think anyone’s talked about it since my class graduated) alongside the times one of our ensemble dudes had to break through the roof of the girl’s dressing room to retrieve the keys to the theater + i got stuck on stage!

20. What’s the sweetest thing someone has done for you?

I really had to wrack my brain to answer this one, as I’m generally not the person people do things for, you know? This answer goes wayyy back, to 8th grade :O but so! there is mild exposition for this- when I started middle school, I lived in North Carolina, but we moved to Florida right before 7th grade bc my grandma is ill. We lived with my uncle while we were looking for a house, so I went to the local middle school bc why wouldn’t I? but in November, we finally found a house + my mom was like....So... are you going to switch schools or...I’d struck up some really solid friendships in this time, so i was like Mom I’d Rather Die OAO. So, we struck up a deal that I’d get to stay at that school on a zone waiver + that she’d drive me to school everyday. Sometime closer to the end of eighth grade she was like, yeah so.. I can’t do this for high school, it’s too much gas- which was valid! I was really sad about it, but I sucked it up.

Anyhow, fast forward to the last day of eighth grade, which was perhaps the saddest day I’d lived up until that point, mostly bc I knew I was probably never going to see all my friends again. My best friend, who I was like hardcore v close to + the person I shared all my wacky AUs and OC’s and headcanons with, was waiting with me for my mom to come pick me up, and then!!! When my mom pulled into the school she suddenly whipped out this lengthy letter she’d written to me about how much she enjoyed my friendship and how grateful she was that we were able to have lunch together (lunch was.. tragically ;__; the only time we really saw each other that year), and that she would never forget me! And she’d drawn me a ton of fanart from all the things I was obsessed with back then!! it was so much so fast, but then my mom was yelling at me to get in the car and I had to go :(

We kept in touch through email freshman year + fake-dated bc a senior was stalking me? ;J; and then we went to Megacon together! but I became really heavily involved in choir and theater after that, and we just kind of drifted apart :( we do follow each other on ig tho! It’s insane to think about her and that letter because on GOD ruth, that was a thinly veiled love letter and I never like... wrote her anything back that was as worthy as what she wrote me. But, she’s doing really well in uni now, so I guess it’s all okay? idk! ; o ;

23. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you think you fit the general characteristics of that sign?

I’m a Cancer!! and also a metal dragon by the Chinese Zodiac, which I’ve always thought was pretty sick! :3 I am 10000% your stereotypical Cancer, super emotional and introspective + often prone to tears ;u; My mom always said that dragons are steadfast and loyal people, and I think this also applies to me, to a fault. I checked around some websites to see what characteristics were often applied to metal dragons specifically, and it seems they are pretty strong-willed, ambitious, and generous? I don’t know if you could call me strong-willed or ambitious, but it’s all good ig.

25. What’s a song that gives off good vibes anytime you listen to it?

Ohh man, I went in on this question for Shannon, but bc I was digging around my library for Jules, I actually found an old fave! This song is from one of my all-time favorite musicals, Once on This Island- it’s The Human Heart! This song is so sweet, and god between the writing for the orchestra + the writing for the ensemble, this song is a straight masterpiece <3 I love love love the line, “Through your love you’ll live forever”, and although I am Hardcore Terrified of getting a tattoo, I really want that line tattooed on my body. if you have time, I recommend giving Once on This Island a listen!! I’ve never heard a show that uses its instruments and singers the way OoTI does (and holy FUCK it is so breathtaking live!!! I got to see it on Broadway and bro.... 🥺🥺 it was transcendental..)

[darthspideys]

My thoughts on Phase 4

I AM SO EXCITED FOR PHASE 4 let me just start with that. Just generally, without knowing much about the movies or trailers or anything I am pumped. It looks so cool and there are going to be so many more heroes in the universe and that makes me so happy. I know some people want more focus on like the characters from previous phases but I love that they're staring out with new stuff because its the end of the infinity saga and they want to showcase that before immediately going into sequels and threequels. 

Before I get into specific series and movies I want to talk about a couple of general things:

Disney + : I don’t like that “phase 4″ also includes the series(s). don’t get me wrong, I love them like series(s) were my favorite announcements of the night but like it’s weird that they're technically counted in the phase. It makes me feel like if you don’t watch the series you're going to be missing a plot point from a movie which would irk because its a lot easier to buy a movie ticket once or twice a year than to pay for a streaming service every month (though I’ll give Disney this 6.99 isn’t a bad price that's only like a dollar more than Hulu with commercials) . 

The logos: Look I know logos aren’t everything but like some of those were... how you say garbage? terrible? a crime? Like some of them were spiderman far from home advertizements bad in terms of graphic design (I’m sure we’re going to see a lot of people using the ‘graphic design is my passion’ meme and it's totally appropriate). Not all of them we’re bad though, like The Eternals one was soo good, I liked how the background was kind of like a starry night, and the Shang Chi one good and the Doctor Strange one was okay. The Hawkeye logo was *chefs kiss* perfect, I love how they took the Fractions Hawkeye logo and updated it a bit because wow yes. The Loki logo was so bad I can’t even look at it, the fan made ones were so much better, loki I’m sorry you deserved better than some clip art that I think makes a word.... and the wandavision one was just werid but then again everything about them is werid so

The casts: MARVEL HAS THE BEST CASTS EVER that’s it im saying it, no I do not take constructive criticism. Say what you will about the movie but like the amount of talent that has been and will be in the mcu is astounding I mean we had RDJ and Chris Evans, who are amazing and Brie Larson (who by the way has a freaking oscar) and now we’re going to have Salma Hayek, Richard Madden, Kumal Nanjani, Natalie Portman is back, MAHERSHA ALI IS BLADE LIKE WOW (I think he has an oscar too correct me if I’m wrong), Awkafina is gonna be in chang chi (I love her sm), and so many others just the amount of talent is astounding. 

The diversity: SO MANY WOMEN. AHHH JAne foster as female thor??? Our first LGBTQ character (confirmed at least) is going to be a bi black woman??? AMazing??? Another headlining black superhero with blade?? 

Moving on to the actual movies and shows. I’m putting a read more because idk if I’m going to talk about every individual announcement but I might so-

My favorite announcement by far had to be the Hawkeye series, because KATE BISHOP BABEY. She is my favorite marvel comics character and soon to be mcu character :) and now she’s going to get the love she deserves and more people will know about her which makes me so happy. Also it’s interesting that they didn’t announce her casting, so I have hope that maybe they will cast someone asian since that’s always been my headcanon for her even though she’s white in the comics. I’m trying not to use a lot of screaming in caps sentences but just know when I think about Kate being on my screen I AM SCREAMING. When I first saw the post about the series I cried because I was so so happy. And fingers crossed this series is taking cues from the fractions hawkeye comics because that really encapsulated Clint’s character in a way the mcu... hasnt (I really hate mcu clint but that’s a story for another time) so I hope that while they introduce Kate they also fix mcu’s clint and make him actually likable.  (if you couldn't tell I really really don’t like MCU clint.) or at the very least not screw up Kate like they did mcu clint. 

Next up THE SAMBUCKY SERIES. (I know it has a real title but like thats long and I can’t spell soildier to save my life sooo yeah I’m gonna call it the sambucky series in tags and stuff). I know not alot of people are talking about this because we already knew that it was happening, so it’s like yeah we already saw that but seeing Mackie and Stan up on stage together just made it feel so real and it made me so excited. And then Mackie was holidng the shield and I was like ahhhhhhhhhh hes freaking captain America!!! I could write a million essays about why its so important that hes cap and why it means to much to me and a lot of people but,,, another post for another time. But anyway these characters and the actors who play them have so much good chemistry that I can’t wait to really see it. One thing I’m not so excited about... the logo. There was a totally different logo when Disney + originally announced it and I liked that one so much better, this one is just... clunky?? idk but it’s not having that big an impact on my life lol its more of an annoyance then anything. 

I feel like now I should mention an actual movie.. 

THE ETERNALS. I’m going to admit I don’t know that much about the characters or the team (which I will soon fix when I do my wiki deep dive to find out everything) but if your judging just by the cast, this movie is going to be great. I mean the amount of talent in this movie is outstanding and I really have high hopes for what it could be. 

Doctor Strange: The multiverse of madness intrigues me more than I thought it would. Like for starters the name is pretty ominous, and the fact that we’re getting an actual confirmation/movie about the multiverse (far from home really let me down in that regard) is really exciting. Also it’s supposed to be the first “scary” mcu movie, I don’t know how scary they can get with a PG-13 rating (which I’m going to guess there going to try to keep because there’s a big chunk of the fanbase that’s young) but that really made me interesting. ALSO WANDA MAXIMOFF IS GOING TO BE IN IT, so that makes me so excited for it because although I’m not the biggest fan of Wanda's character (which I blame J*ss Wh*don for completely and her lack of characterization in the rest of the mcu and the complete nerfing of her powers.... another post for another time.) I’ve always wanted to see her and Steven use magic togther and I’ve seen a few panels where Wanda, Strange and Loki form a little magic squad which I WOULD VERY MUCH LOVE to see put on screen (minus Loki I’m guessing), also maybe this movie will fix a little bit of her characterization? One thing that makes me nervous about this though is the teaser that it “directly connects” to the wandavision series, if I’m not able to get Disney plus and watch the show I don’t want to have missed out on plot points for the movie but I guess we’ll see. 

since I mentioned it already, lets talk WandaVision. The logo as a mentioned earlier is so very bad, but- yeah idk it’s just very bad. Also the name is really werid? like wandavision with no space? It’s like they went to tumblr, found thier ship name and was like ‘that sounds like a great name for a show’ (that is their ship name right?). I was not planning on watching this show at all UNTIL I found out that FREAKING GROWN UP MONICA RAMBEAU is going to be in it. I didn’t think they would ever bring her up again in the mcu so I’m so happy that she is going to be in this show and I hadn’t even heard any rumors about this so it was a really fun suprise. Am I sure that they are only putting her in the show so that people will watch the trainwreck that is wanda and visions relationship? Yes. But will I fall into the trap because of Monica? YES. But I think this show could be good if your willing to get past the obvious weridness of human girl is in love with basically a robot, a human looking robot sure if your being generous and maybe not fully a robot (a synthoid?) but it’s still werird because he's not human.  I’m curious to see what timeline they use for this, because vision is still dead at the end of endgame. I guess they could use the 2 years between civil war and infinity war but that’s just not a lot of time for a complete story (and if this show “directly connects” the doctor strange 2 then that means that movie takes place pre-thanos as well which would be werid) 

That all being said, I am really excited to see Wanda’s character done by someone who isn’t J*ss Wh*don or the R*ssos because they screwed her up so bad and she was such a badass and powerful character in the comics (my personal theory is that all of these men saw that and went ‘a powerful woman? more powerful then men? we can’t have that around here’ like what was done with Carol in endgame). 

BLADE. We don’t know much about this movie and I don’t know much about the character but I AM PUMPED even though we don’t have a release date for it yet. I just think Mahersha Ali is so talented and I love Black lead heros so yeah. 

THOR: LOVE AND THUNDER am I a little sad they didn't use Thor Four: More thor as our queen Gina Linetti suggested? Yes. But I love this title and it’s just crackhead enough to be acceptable. I’m so happy that this movie is being made, because  1) someone has to make up for the first two thor movies somehow, 2) someone has to fix the mess the R*ssos made of thors character and 3) Thor Ragnarok made me actually like thor as a character, so I want to see more of that Thor. ALSO JANE FOSTER AKA NATALIE PORTMAN IS BACK??? AND SHES GONNA BE FREAKING FEMALE THOR YES YES YES (that picture of her holding the hammer? wow. powerful. showstopping. amazing) I can hear all the dudebros screaming about how much they hate it but 1) who cares what they think? and 2) its completely comics accurate which is thier usual lame excuse for misogyny so they can suck it. ALSO VAL IS THE QUEEN OF ASGARD AND TESSA SAYS SHES GONNA FIND HER QUEEN so we’re gonna get REAL CANON BI VAL (aka out first lgbtq mcu character who is also a woman of color which is so amazing and important!!!!) ANYWAYS THOR IS GOING TO BE AMAZING, its the movie I’m most pumped for AND THE LOGO IS AMAZING and thank you takia watiti for coming to save us. 

Black Widow... hmmm... I’m not as excited for this because one it’s not that much of a surprise since we’ve even seen set photos for it and because Scarlett Johanssen, I just don’t like her. I like Nat as a character even though Scarlett has the acting range of a celerity among many other issues but yeah. I’ll still go see the movie because girl power, and the more female led movies are successful the more they’ll make and more it’ll make the stupid dudebros and misogynists in training at my school mad. Also Rachel Wietz is talented and I liked David Harbour in Stranger things (or you know the 5 total episodes I’ve watched) 

Shang Chi looks like it’s gonna be good, and idk what the ten rings is but uhh I like it. And I love that we’re getting the actual modern and hopefully they’ll do a little flashback or callback to iron man 3. ALSO AWKAFINA 

What if? I love what if comics just because it’s a cool concept and it’s nice to see what if but this feels kind of pointless almost??? Idk I just don’t know why its here (also I originally thought this was going to be on hulu so I’m bitter about that). But I’m interested to see what kind of animation style they’ll go with (which honestly is a huge factor in whether or not I’ll watch it), and depending on what stories they do, if I watch it I’ll probably just end up skipping around and only looking at certain ones. 

Spiderman 3, Captain Marvel 2, Black Panther 2: I’m super pumped for all of these!!! I mean especially after that cliffhanger at the end of spidey (which I’m still shook about). I cannot wait to see my girl carol again, and hopefully her movie will explain what’s going on with the “kree sleeper cells” that skrull maria hill talked about in ffh along with what the heck talos and his wife were doing on earth while fury is in space? (also a cute little reuinion scene between fury and carol?) (also also what the heck has carol been doing since captain marvel and before endgame) (also also also plz give me carol rhodey and intoduce jessica drew thanks) okay so maybe I’m asking a lot of this movie but yknow..and I’m always up to see more Okoye because she is iconic and I love her. 

Fantastic 4, Look I know there's been a bajillion fantastic four movies and they were all bad ( I personally liked the one With Micheal B Jordan, Miles Teller and Kate Mara)  but I have faith in marvel studios. I mean they did take a basically unknown hero and turn him into one of the most beloved heroes and launched that single movie into a cash cow 23 movie freaking franchise (I’m talking tony stark and the tony stark cinematic universe by the way)  so I think they can pull off the biggest miracle of all time and make a good fantastic four movie. 

Mutants... I don’t really know what they mean by this? Like do they mean X men? Or a new movie called mutants? Or mutants themselves will be peppered into the mcu? I think that it shoud be one of the last two options. Just because even if the x men don’t show up for another 2-3 years its still kinda soon to just reboot the whole thing? (also I don’t think that Jean Gray should be recasted because Sophie Turner slayed that role despite the writing being terrible), even the fantastic 4 movie the lastest one will be 6-7 years old by the time marvel reboots it so- also the x men have just been so overdone by fox in bad ways that I feel like if theyre going to use mutants which they should they should do a new team and pull out some lesser known characters and or just put mutant heros in the mcu which I would love to see. 

annnnd an hour later.. here we are. If you made it to the end, thank you because I had a lot to say. 

[theway-itwas]

20200317

i write many notes about her. some people journal, and i write little tidbits of what i’m feeling when i’m feeling it, sort of as a log to keep track of what i’m feeling about her. 

it’s been two months, and then some. it still hurts, but it’s more a stinging feeling now. it’s different, not at all how i expected it to feel at this point in time. with everything going on i have felt and pondered many things, gone into the depths of myself and uncovered secrets about myself i never knew existed. it’s fulfilling to see myself reach a potential i didn’t know i could reach. 

i still think she’s going to come back, and i’m almost confident she will. this feeling, this intuitive gut knowing that she will return is hard to shake. it has to account for something, it’s not for nothing. there’s a reason the signs keep popping up, there’s a reason for everything, and i am starting to piece them together and understand exactly what it is i need to do. 

she pulls me back in right when i feel like it’s my time to walk away. like saturday night/sunday morning, when we watched parasite and facetimed until 5 in the morning out of the blue. all saturday i was crying over her, and that very night she messaged me. we had a fun conversation, then talked throughout the night. and then it was back to normal, back to reality. she stopped talking to me again. 

i doubt she understands just how much it meant to me. that night was great, it resurfaced a lot of feelings i’d pushed deep down, and it made me realize yet again that it’s still her. it’s going to be her for a while, and that i am confident that for her it will eventually be me too. it couldn’t mean nothing, it can’t mean nothing. i know in my soul that it meant something to her like it meant to me. 

and with that, i want to explain some of the things in my notes. i kind of just want to write, but didn’t know what to write independently, so i figured i’d go into detail for myself. 

“i remember staring at your eyes and memorizing the color because i didn’t want to forget.” inspired by my main tumblr, and encapsulating how it felt to look into her ‘boba ball’ eyes and never want to see anything else ever again. 

“la citta di smeraldo” the truth untold by bts. it made me think of how i was when we were ~together~, the story reminded me of myself. i hated myself then, i’m getting better now. 

“the nights i’ll grow not to remember, but you, i will never forget.” it’s the truth. the individual nights have started to fade, and soon enough they’ll all be forgotten memories. but her, she will always be a part of me. she will stay in my head forever. 

“i was desperately looking for happy songs to listen to when i realized that the playlist i made for you was filled with them. good news is, i can listen to it without crying. bad news is, every song is still about you.” that one speaks for itself. i wrote that before she unfollowed the playlist, which made it harder to listen to. but it remains true still. every song is about her, even if it hurts to daydream when i listen to them. 

“once i realized that i deserved better, and that i was capable of giving myself everything you could not, i was happier. that’s funny, isn’t it? how i’m happy and i am learning to love myself now that you’re out of the picture. things without you used to be so hard, now they’re getting easier day by day, and you’re just not that special anymore.” this one is funny because it was so incredibly short-lived. that was a great week, but i was trying to deny how i felt. i accept it now, and i allow myself to feel these things for her knowing it is for good reason and it will get better someday. 

“i don’t think you understand how much i need you, were you really just a waste of all those nights? i don’t think the stars aligned so i can’t have you, is the universe really that unkind?” song lyrics i wrote for sydney, but that i altered a bit to fit izzy. they fit so much more in this situation. 

“there’s not a song sad enough.” i revisit this one, mentally, a lot. when i first saw that she was talking to someone else, and that she confessed to them and it went well, this was my immediate reaction. no song was sad enough to match how i felt. i was destroyed. 

“everybody’s blind when the view’s amazing.” stay by post malone. i still love that song, and it’s true. rose colored glasses are a dangerous thing. 

“i don’t follows fighting for a lost cause, feels like even drifting we’re just off course” fomo by eden. the best song off of no future, and it was my simping song for a while. 

“she says i’m no good with my hands but i’d hold up the whole sky for her” 2020 by eden. again, lyrics that somehow explain what i could never. 

“i begged you to tell me to turn around, but all i heard was silence. maybe it was me who should’ve told you to turn around, but maybe neither of us was meant to. so, we continue with our backs to each other as if our paths hadn’t just crossed, as if our lives weren’t changed forever, yet not as if we’d never be the same without each other.” i wrote that one after watching portrait of a lady on fire. like call me by your name, the ending of that movie resonated differently with me, and i took the portrait concept and my own experience with her and mixed them together to write a little paragraph. 

“you could have told me to go to hell and, if that’s what you wanted, i would’ve done it without hesitation.” after rewatching faking it, a similar line that liam said was on my mind for many days. karma told him to go to hell, and he replied “fine, i’ll go to hell if that’s what you want” and it made me really think, that’s exactly how i feel about izzy. 

“distracting myself works for a while but i always end up here.” self explanatory. i was probably more upset than usual when i wrote that. 

“i think things should be easier from now on. thank you for giving me the closure i needed, and i hope the future is bright for both of us--individually and together.” i wrote that after she texted me about the tik tok i made about her and we talked things out. it’s funny because i really thought things would be easier. things got so much harder, and i was visibly upset the few days after that. that night kind of did nothing but make me want her more, especially after she’d said she thinks about me every day and basically said moving on was hard. the fact that she had to move on at all made me rethink everything i ever thought about her because that means it was real, and she forced herself to give it up. 

“it’s times like these when you remember just how temporary everything is.” just me reminiscing on november and december. 

“nothing has felt right since you left.” it’s true. things have felt off, like it wasn’t supposed to happen. 

“being closer to you makes it worse. it’s still you, it will always be you, and for you it will never be me and that is the most frustrating reality that i can’t face.” we were talking quite a bit then, and i wasn’t confident in the thought that she would come back quite yet. 

“i may not be okay yet, but i’m closer than i was yesterday.” every day i get closer to being more okay, but healing is inconsistent, and sometimes things get harder again. 

“right when i think i’ve gotten far enough, you pull me back in again.” she probably texted me asking if i was okay again, as she often does. maybe it was when i asked her if she was okay. sometimes i think it’s just her excuse to talk to me. 

“i just want to relive those days over and over again. i want that feeling again, i want you and i’m desperately trying to show you that but you just don’t care and it’s killing me. everything changed when you left and i’m trying to figure myself out but it hurts having to do that without you. i don’t even know why i’m making such a big deal out of such a short time but i can’t help it and i feel pulled in two directions because i can’t decide whether to let you go or to hold onto hope because both paths seem equally as plausible and both are hurting me more than i can take. i feel weak and defeated. i feel like i have no control and that i have no choice but to sit here and do nothing as things fall apart. thanks to you, i am defeated.” it was true then, less so now. i feel like holding onto hope is way more plausible now, but i did feel defeated. 

“it doesn’t even feel anymore. it’s just nothing, waves of nothingness when i think of you.” i don’t even remember what exactly evoked this response but clearly i was upset. 

“i both don’t want to talk to you and only want to talk to you. it’s a mixture of pushing you away and pulling you in. every time i try to walk, something happens and it feels like i get pulled back. i just want to be free from you, free to be happy without you and be happy for you. please allow me to do that.” little did i know there was trouble in paradise. 

“i’ve never had a choice. everyone else has always chosen for me, you chose for me, i didn’t have a say in it. how is that fair?” i just felt so helpless and defeated. 

“yesterday i was crying over you and trying to forget about you. last night i was on facetime with you until 4:30 in the morning. you did it again, you pulled me back in.” self-explanatory. this time was different though, it cemented many things. 

“maybe you should set me free, maybe i don’t really want you to” this love by camila cabello. pretty much sums up every feeling i’ve had since january 5th. 

that’s it for the notes.

i am trying to forgive. i realized today that the universe, spirit is sending me the sign that i must forgive before i can get what i want. i can’t have her until i forgive her, really truly forgive her for leaving me. they sent me her knowing this was a lesson i had to learn. i can’t have what i want unless i forgive everyone, including myself. i need to forgive the world and love every aspect of it to finally prosper and get an abundance of what i want. i see that now. so, i will work on forgiveness. i will nurture my wounds. 

this will be my physical speaking of it. i am working on myself, doing healthy things and actually going through with it. every day i want to go on long walks, to sit and meditate at that table i found today. i want to be everything i have always wanted to be and i am doing things to help myself achieve that. 

the spirituality and intuition i am tapping into lately feels amazing. i understand the things around me, and i see the beauty in all things. i’ve gotten into tarot, astrology, meditation, manifestation, and all that good stuff lately. it feels good. i like growing into this new person. it feels like a new chapter, in all the best ways. 

rae, as in valkyrae, said it regarding her breakup with michael recently. “just because we aren’t in each other’s chapter nine doesn’t mean we can’t be in each other’s chapter fifteen”.

and with that, i think izzy and i need(ed) this time apart to work on ourselves. i think we both need to forgive, and we both need to grow in order to be perfect for each other. i think there is a deep soul connection, i think she might be my soulmate, and i see now the importance of spending time apart so we can fall back together. 

all is going to work out. everything is going to be okay. i see that now. 

[the-marvel-imagines-blog]

Madness | Chpt. 17

Chapter Title: “Two Sides of the Same Coin”

Pairing: Loki x Original Female Character (Eva)

Word Count: 6,143

Warnings: angst (what’s new?), death???

Name Pronunciations: Hjalmar: “He-all-mar” | Aaldir: “All-deer” | Ephinea: “Eh-fin-ee-uh”

Summary: Bits of truth unfurl when Ezra visits Eva during a vision of the past. Tony asks for help, and Eva is forced to make a difficult decision.

A/N: Only a week between posts! Who am I? I’ve stated previously that I’ve taken creative liberties with these characters, and I’m doing it once again. I have “borrowed” dialogue from Iron Man 3 to use in these chapters just to make them fit in with the sequence of events from the movie. The love that people are giving this fic on tumblr, fanfiction.net, and AO3 is absolutely insane, and it’s only going to pick up more in the coming chapters. Once again, thank you all so, so, so much, and I hope you enjoy this installment <3

Tagged: @teddyboobear @alledeglyfunny @xletmetaste-yoursmilex @itsknife2meetu @mynameisyara @j-j-ehlby-writes @jillilama-blog (anyone who wants to be tagged can message me and ask. It’s not a problem at all)

*Eva’s POV*

I stood in the nearly barren throne room. Odin stood atop the stairs in front of his throne with Frigga standing on the right of the throne and my father on the left. Aaldir’s eyes, I noticed, were filled with unshed tears and a pain that was unparalleled, a pain I’d only ever seen once before, when I returned home after Hjalmar’s death. I felt another presence, but I couldn’t place my finger on it. She wasn’t present in the room, but I felt the same vibration in my soul that I did whenever her black eyes met mine. Death. There was a familiarity that I couldn’t place my finger on, like returning home after a long absence. The smell, the warmth, the little cracks and crevices were all still the same. It was as if you’d never left in the first place. That was what her essence left me with. The visions were becoming more and more vivid, and they were all falling together slowly but surely. Still, I couldn’t trust my own mind anymore. Ezra had proven to be powerful enough to invade my mind, so how could I know he wasn’t planting the visions? How could I know he hadn’t been tampering with my mind from the very beginning?

My eyes trailed over to the man who stood at the base of the steps that led up to the throne. Loki had stood there once, when he was sentenced to live out the rest of his days in the dungeons. I had stood there countless times, trying to argue on behalf of Loki, to somehow dismiss his sentence. I had failed there, too. At the base of the steps stood the same familiar man from my vision of my father, my vision of her. His hair was long and black, and he had piercing green eyes. They were the color of spring. It was Cul. His jaw was clenched tightly as he glared up at Odin, “tell me what it is you summoned me for,” he demanded, his voice rumbling low in his chest. He spoke with the same rough tone as Ezra did.

Odin smirked, “you speak to your king with contempt when I called you here to make peace,” he insisted, his hand clenching one arm of the throne.

Cul’s eyes grew wild with an unchecked rage, which was something I saw in Ezra that day in the courtyard, something I sensed within myself when confronting Ezra in my vision. A chill spread through my bones as he continued to address Odin, “I speak to my brother with contempt because of where you threw me for the last century!” he shouted, anger coloring his face red, “but if your offer of peace isn’t up to my standards, you can expect me to rain down a destruction upon you and your people that Asgard has never seen before. Don’t disappoint me, brother.”

Odin turned his attention to my father and gave a slight nod. Aaldir turned on his heel and made his way out of the throne room, his footsteps the only sound that echoed through the massive hall. As my father walked away, Odin’s redirected his gaze back at Cul, “not long ago, we received a visit from the Realm of Death, a visit from your mistress. She brought with her a child and asked for us to watch over it and raise it to be one of us, but it came to my attention that the child could never be one of us. The blood running through his veins is that of a monster, of a beast-a serpent. It became clear that death and destruction would follow him wherever he went, and I knew that the only way to ensure both his safety and the safety of this realm was to offer him to you in hopes that we could continue in peace,” he explained the situation as my father walked back out into the throne room with the baby from one of my other visions in his arms. They were all starting to fall together. Death brought the children, Aaldir fought to raise them in his cottage, Odin demanded one of them, Aaldir decided which one of them to “sacrifice,” and now, Odin was offering the child to Cul as an act of goodwill. The act would hopefully bring about a peace between them that hadn’t been there prior, even though I didn’t know why the two brothers would have so much hatred for one another.

As Cul stood in the throne room, completely speechless, Frigga narrowed her eyes at Odin, “he’s not a monster!” she argued, her voice calm yet strained at his clear contempt for an infant.

Before Odin could argue with her, Cul let out a deep sigh, “I have a son,” he murmured, still partially in shock. As Cul’s eyes landed on the infant in Aaldir’s arms, Odin motioned for my father to bring the child to the intruder. A sincere smile spread across Cul’s lips, and I saw, for a fleeting moment, purity and light within him. Each of us had our breaking point. The light sometimes gave way to the darkness, and the darkness sometimes gave way to the light. No one was entirely righteous or entirely evil. Cul’s darkness gave way to the light in that moment, and there was something special that came to life in me upon seeing that. His eyes followed the infant as Aaldir carried him down the stairs and over to him.

Once my father stood in front of Cul, his jaw clenched as he looked down at the infant one last time with tears filling his deep brown eyes. The pain in his heart was becoming unbearable, and I could practically hear the echo of it breaking. His dark eyes met Cul’s green ones, “his name...is Ezra,” Aaldir confessed, his voice trembling. My breath caught in my throat. It was impossible. It wasn’t true. I refused to believe my visions anymore. It was a trick. Ezra had already proven that he was in my head, so he could’ve been fabricating all of this. Aaldir continued to speak, “he wakes up as soon as the first rays of light peek over the horizon, but he’s quiet until he knows you’re awake. You’ll know when he’s tired because he’ll curl his toes and tuck his thumb into his fist. He gets fussy at night. The best way to calm him down is by singing to him or talking to him. He especially loved my daughters voice,” he explained, continuing to gaze down at the infant.

“He’s talking about you, you know,” I heard that familiar voice from right behind me.

I whipped around, my eyes taking in Ezra’s strong figure. I narrowed my eyes at him, “get out of my head. You’re planting these visions,” I accused him.

He shook his head, “you can think that all you want, Eva, but you’re wrong. Some of these visions, I’m raising to the surface, yes. Can you honestly tell me that you’ve never had visions like these before, though?” he asked, stepping closer to me, “can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you didn’t feel the connection the moment we met? Can you tell me, truthfully, that you haven’t been trying to figure out how I’m able to visit you?” he asked, his voice far calmer than it had been before. His eyes weren’t filled with the madness. Instead, he looked at me with sadness and...loss.

I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering how he could possibly know so much about me, “Loki and I were able to do this all the time,” I stated, trying to brush off the weight of his words.

“And it’s because you two shared a special connection-a deep, intimate connection that you didn’t share with anyone else. The universe brought you two together, forged your souls out of the same dying star and sent you across the universe to hopefully find your way to each other,” he explained, perfectly encapsulating my connection to my love, “you and I share a connection as well, Eva. You can’t close your mind off to me, and I can’t close mine off to you.”

I made sure to keep the walls around my mind strengthened because I knew the damage that outsiders could do. I didn’t allow anyone safe passage into my thoughts. At one point, though, I did. At one point, Loki was given free reign to journey into my mind, to gaze upon my thoughts, feelings, and memories whenever he wanted. It was our way of sharing every part of ourselves with one another. He gave me access to his mind, and I gave him access to mine. It wasn’t until after his fall from grace that I realized how dangerous our connection was. He used that connection and my openness with him to his advantage, and he tore me apart with it. He made me relive some of my most horrible memories, so there came a point when I forced him out and shut my mind away to everyone.

Until Ezra.

When he arrived on Asgard, I couldn’t deny the way his eyes perfectly mirrored my own, but that couldn’t mean anything. Before I even met him, I had visions of Death, and the questions began to arise. I had never known where I belonged, but Ezra seemed to know all about me. There were too many little details that these visions played into, too many unknown origins that they made clear. I shook my head, “whatever you’re implying, whatever connection you’re suggesting we have...you’re just trying to get in my head. You’re just trying to make me question my allegiances and turn against my home, my people.”

“Our home. Our people. I have the same claim to them as you,” he insisted, his eyes burning with passion, not anger or rage. It was a depth that I hadn’t witnessed from him yet.

“Your father is a false king. He doesn’t belong on the throne, and you don’t belong in Asgard,” I growled, “I’ve fought for my people and would’ve given my life for them. You have fought and taken the lives of the people you claim to be yours. I’ve taken care of my home, and you threatened to destroy it. Nothing is ours. There is no us or we. These are my people, and this is my home...and you aren’t welcome here. You and I have no connection,” I stressed to him, almost as if I was trying to force myself to believe it even more than I was trying to force him to believe it. It felt as if each time I said it, our connection made more sense.

“We’re two sides of the same coin,” he insisted, his voice not even straining the slightest bit as he spoke to me. I studied every inch of his body, trying-hoping-to pick up on a lie. I didn’t find one. He didn’t even seem frustrated by my resistance of something he was proposing to be a simple fact.

I shook my head once more, “you’re a monster!”

He clenched his jaw, and I knew the words had stung him because it was why I said them in the first place. I wanted him to hurt for burdening me with this information, for giving me a small sense of false hope that I would actually find out where I came from, where I belonged. He used one of my greatest weaknesses against me, and I wanted him to hurt for that. His eyes filled with sorrow, “the light sometimes gives way to the darkness, and the darkness sometimes gives way to the light,” he murmured, his words an echo of the ones that I’d thought only a few moments prior. My breath hitched in my throat, and he took my moment of speechlessness to continue speaking, “with time, you’ll understand. When you come back, when you inevitably make the decision to leave with me, I’ll show you who you truly are. You’ll have no choice but to accept it.”

“You’ve threatened the only people I care about, destroyed the security of my home, and killed dozens of my people! If I’m faced with only one choice, and that choice is to be anything like you, I’d choose death!” I snapped, saying some of the harshest words I could think of. It was one of the few instances that I wanted to hurt someone, to make them feel pain, and when Ezra gave a slight bow of his head, the look in his eyes told me that I had succeeded. While a part of me felt a hint of guilt, I tried to justify it by remembering the way he arrived on Asgard. I had to remember that he started this war, that he was my enemy, nothing more, nothing less.

Aaldir spoke once more, and I turned my attention back to the scene that seemed to bleed into the background while Ezra and I confronted one another. Aaldir’s eyes met Cul’s once more, “I took care of him as best I could,” he trembled, his voice and emotions beginning to fail him at the thought of having to give one of “his” children away. Aaldir had always been partial to broken things, and I was the perfect example of that. The baby in his arms was no different.

The firmness in Cul’s features faded. He wasn’t a warrior, a serpent, or a monster in that moment. He was a father, a man with a purpose. Cul’s eyes filled with understanding as he looked my father up and down as if he were committing Aaldir to memory, “should we ever meet on the battlefield, know that your life will be spared for what you’ve done for my son. I owe you an unpayable debt.”

My eyes widened at his words, and I looked back to question Ezra about them. When I turned to find him, though, he was gone. There had been honor in the words of our enemy, of a man who sent his son to Asgard to take the throne from our king. Even some of Asgard’s enemies fought with honor, but I never expected it from him. When I turned back around, the initial vision had fallen away, a new one taking its place. I was back in the courtyard from my previous vision. I looked around frantically, trying to find my father or her. I needed to know what was going on. Asgardian soldiers fought one another once more, the aggressors having fatal wounds and glowing red eyes. Across the battlefield, I saw that raven black hair, hair I brushed and braided every morning, afternoon, and night because he never managed to keep it proper. He was fighting them, his body moving fluidly as he dodged, weaved, and attacked. The mere sight of him awakened those familiar butterflies.

Then, just as he always did, he turned around, his eyes searching the crowd of faces to find mine. It only took a second before our eyes locked, a wave of relief washing over both of us. A smile tugged at my lips as that signature grin took over his. Upon seeing the cuts and scratches on the porcelain skin of his face, a sudden urge overcame me. I needed to hold him, to make sure he was okay, to give him a once over and check for any injuries. We hadn’t fought alongside one another since before we went our separate ways, and seeing his more superficial injuries reminded me of why I hated fighting on the battlefield with him. It terrified me. I became more caught up in his safety than my own, and that was when people got hurt...or killed.

I scrambled over to the mass of warriors fighting amongst each other, my sword at the ready. As soon as I reached the group, I began taking down every single one of them that stood between me and my love. I cut them down without question, aiding my people as well. As soon as I reached a small clearing, Loki broke through his side of the crowd, and our eyes locked with one another’s. His blue eyes matched the color I wore in some form every day. Even after parting from him, I continued to wear that blue. It was a reminder of what I once had, the love I once felt. I grasped Loki’s slender hands in my blood covered ones, “get out of here. Go to the forest and wait by the tree for me,” I commanded, terrified for his safety.

He shook his head, “I’m not going anywhere without you, Eva. Either you come with me, or we both stay here. Regardless, we’re going to be together,” he argued, his voice quivering as the adrenaline pumped through him.

“You could die here,” I reminded him, already feeling drained from the argument. My muscles were sore from fighting my way through the crowd. I didn’t have the energy to argue with him, especially not when the battle was continuing to wage on.

“So could you!” he shouted, searching my eyes to hopefully get me to understand. I knew where he was coming from because I had been there so many times. There were moments when he told me to leave, to run as far away from the fight as I could, and I’d be the one arguing with him. His voice calmed, and he shrugged his shoulders, that charming smirk playing on his lips, “at least we’d die together.”

No matter how lighthearted he tried to be, I refused to be swayed by his words. I could be just as stubborn as him, and I wasn’t willing to budge on this topic. We always told each other that should we die, we wanted to die together, but I always hoped I would take my final breath even a second before his. I couldn’t bear to live in a world without him, but he was strong enough to live in one without me, no matter how much he claimed otherwise. I had lost so much-sacrificed so much-that if I lost him, I’d lose everything. Losing him simply wasn’t an option, so I shook my head, a stray piece of hair falling from behind my ear, “I can’t let you do this. You need to leave,” I dictated, narrowing my eyes at him to let him know that I was serious. He would leave willingly, or I would use every ounce of my power to force him to leave.

Upon seeing my look of determination, he pulled his hands away from my own, cupping my face in those strong, sure hands. He steadied me for what came next. In an instant, his lips were pressed to mine in a kiss that breathed life back into me, a kiss that I’d been without. Even though it was a vision-even though it wasn’t real-I had an ounce of his love once more. Though it was fleeting, I still got to breathe in the sweetness of the air. It was a breath of fresh air after nearly drowning. The kiss was shorter than many we shared, but I would take whatever I could get. When he finally pulled away, his eyes held the same wildness I’d fallen in love with, “I’ve left you enough, Eva. This time, I need to stay,” he insisted, a smile spreading across his lips as if he could feel just how hard my heart was pumping. Loki was the only man to make me so flustered, and it never changed, even after we’d been together for a thousand years. When he finally pulled back, realizing that he succeeded in taking my breath away, in taking away my ability to argue back to him, he raised an amused eyebrow, “so, my queen, are we running, or are we going to stay and-”

His breath hitched in his throat with a sudden gasp as his body seized up. His eyebrows pulled together, and I watched in confusion as his face twisted in shock. His hands that had been cupping my face latched themselves onto my shoulders to find balance. Fear overcame me as I tried to piece together what happened, “Loki?” I asked, one hand grasping his wrist to keep him steady while the other reached up to stroke his cheek.

“Eva?” he murmured, a small trail of blood cascading down the side of his mouth. Before I had the chance to react, a large hand grabbed Loki’s neck and twisted his body around. I watched in horror as Cul pulled the dagger from Loki’s back and buried it deep into the heart of my love with one swift motion. My hand flew to my mouth as a gasp escaped my lips. It all happened faster than I could even process anything. It felt like a weight crashing down on top of me as Loki’s blue eyes met mine.

I shook my head, Cul pulling the dagger from the heart of the man who held mine with gentle hands for so long. Just as his knees began to buckle beneath him, my arms wrapped around him. I lowered him to the ground as gently as possible, falling to my knees at his side. Tears filled my eyes immediately, but I couldn’t cry. The tears refused to fall because I didn’t deserve to feel their relief. I should’ve known that something like this would happen. I should’ve been prepared for anything, and maybe he wouldn’t have been in this situation. If I had planned for every outcome, Cul never would’ve gotten close enough to hurt him. If I handed myself over to Cul, if I went with Ezra like he wanted...maybe this could be avoided. Perhaps Loki’s death was along the road I was already on, so I needed to find a detour.

The beating of my heart ceased just in time for it to be ripped apart as I held the dying body of the love of my life in my arms. My entire body trembled with rage, grief, and an unexplainable loss. I had lost before. I thought I lost Loki once upon a time when he fell from the bifrost. Still, the pain I felt as I held his body in my arms, hoping for a miracle, was indescribable. The pain was enough to shatter worlds, to tear a hole through the universe and let the nothingness seep in. As my heart was torn apart, the ground beneath us began to quake. A power that I’d never felt began to course through my veins like a wildfire, quickly engulfing every inch of me.

The scene before me faded away, but I remained in the darkness, left alone with my thoughts of what the vision could’ve meant. The vibration within me, the one that had been there ever since Loki and I first met as children, was still strong. He wasn’t in pain or in trouble. I’d know the moment it happened. A faint voice in the background began to surface, and I recognized it to be Harley’s right away. My heart began thudding in my chest for no apparent reason. While my fear could’ve played a part in it, when I finally listened to my heart, I knew that it was beating in tandem with Tony’s. He was panicking. Harley’s soft voice cut through the silence, “well, you’re a mechanic, right? You said so,” Harley reminded Tony of the conversation we had when we first arrived at the house.

“Yes, I did,” Tony answered, his voice sounding distant. I couldn’t feel his presence as closely as Harley’s, which meant that he wasn’t in the room with us.

Forcing my eyes open, I took in my surroundings. I was back in the dimly lit shack on the cot Tony and I had spent our nights in together. While it felt strange to not wake up with him by my side, it was nothing compared to the emptiness I felt from the moment Loki left me up until the present day. Waking up in our bed alone left me with an indescribable emptiness, like a black hole had formed within me and swallowed every ounce of who I was. I glanced around the room, feeling weaker than ever, almost as if I was becoming human. Tony was nowhere to be found, but Harley sat at a small table beside Tony’s armor that had taken quite the beating when he crashed down to the ground that night. Harley’s eyes were locked on a computer screen in front of him as he spoke into the phone, “why don’t you just build something?” he asked, slightly calming down Tony’s erratic heartbeat.

“Okay. Thanks, kid,” Tony replied from the other end of the phone, his voice resonating through the shack, “how’s my girl doing?”

“She...” Harley’s voice trailed off as he spun in the chair to look at me. I was guessing that Tony had called to ask him more than once how I was doing, so Harley hadn’t expected much of a change. However, when we locked eyes, his blue ones brightened, “she just woke up,” he reported, a smile crossing over his lips.

“Oh, thank God!” Tony breathed out from the other end of the line. It was like he was finally able to breathe, “am I on speaker?” he asked as it dawned on me the question I hadn’t asked him, the question I desperately needed an answer to. I couldn’t let Ezra’s threats the previous night go unattended to.

As I scrambled out of the cot and hurried over the the phone, Harley nodded his head in response to Tony’s question, but his eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he looked at me, “yeah.”

Upon reaching the desk where he sat, the world caught up to me, and I fell to my knees. If Tony had  been there, he wouldn’t have let me out of the bed so quickly. He would’ve forced me to take it easy, much like he did after my injuries in New York. Where I had once taken care of him as a child, he became my caretaker when I fell ill or when I was wounded, “she got out of the bed too fast, didn’t she?” Tony asked, almost as if he knew that I would.

“Yeah,” Harley answered, crawling down onto the floor next to me, nestling his body against mine and wrapping his arms around the top of my waist, making sure they were nowhere near the wound on my abdomen.

Tony’s voice sounded from the phone again, “are you okay, Eva?”

“Where is she?” I asked, instead of answering his question. I couldn’t think of the dizziness that overcame me. All that I could think of was that Ezra would somehow make good on his promise to find her, to hurt her.

“Who?” he asked, clear confusion in his voice.

My heart began to pound erratically, fear spreading through me like I’d never felt before, “you know who I’m talking about, Tony. Where is she?”

“She’s with Steve,” Tony answered, finally realizing who I was talking about. Ever since we parted, I hadn’t been able to even think of that name, let alone utter it, “when the issue with the Mandarin began, I sent her to stay with him for a while, knowing that she wouldn’t be safe with me until this was over. I made the right choice-the hardest choice. She’s safe with him. He’d protect her with his life, just as he would protect you,” he explained

I shook my head, knowing that it wouldn’t be enough to fend off Ezra. He was powerful. Steve was strong, and he fought with courage. I trusted him with my life at one point, and he trusted me with his. We were close, closer than most, and in any other circumstance, I would have unwavering faith that he could protect her. I wasn’t as confident in his ability to defeat Ezra, though, a man with abilities that rivalled even some of the most powerful entities I had come across in my time. Steve was powerful...worthy. I couldn’t be too careful when it came to her, though. If it was up to me, I’d call upon the entirety of Asgard to protect her against Ezra. It was a danger I needed to make Tony understand, “there needs to be more. You...I need you to get Natasha and Clint there. Call Bruce and...and tell him to stay close,” I panicked, my heart racing.

“Clint and Nat are already close by,” he explained in a calm voice, almost as if he could sense my fear, my worry, “I made sure that everyone was close when I sent her to Steve just in case anyone who wanted to get to me set their sights on her. If anything were to happen, they’re all in close proximity.”

“They’re not close enough!” I snapped, my breath becoming shallow as I panicked. It had been a long time since I felt so human, so utterly normal. I’d always felt a sense of power, but when it came to her, I was a slave to those emotions. I felt my eyes burning with unshed tears as I thought of the threats Ezra made once more, “tell them to stay together for a while,” I begged, feeling my hands beginning to tremble. Harley continued to hold on to me, which offered me some sense of stability, almost as if he was keeping me from losing all control.

“What’s going on?” Tony asked from the other end of the line, becoming more and more nervous with each word. He knew that I had a connection with her, much like I did with him and the rest of the team on Midgard. When it came to her, I knew every little detail about her. My life essence was intertwined with hers for reasons that I had locked away since the moment we parted. I tried to ignore our connection, but it was impossible. I could feel every tear that fell down those fair cheeks, every laugh that emitted from those full lips, every wisp of wind that tousled her unruly hair. Tony knew that I would know if she was in danger, so he knew that I was serious. He sighed, paranoia rising up within him, “listen, I’ll give them a call, but I need more than what you’re giving me if I’m gonna convince them to all cram themselves into Steve’s modest little apartment for the time being. I need you to tell me what’s going on.”

I knew that I didn’t have to explain myself, that Tony wouldn’t even have to explain it to them to get them to cooperate. The Avengers, the ones who promised their lives to protecting and avenging Midgard, showed their unwavering loyalty to me, just as I had shown mine to them. They were an extended part of my family, and they accepted me as one of theirs, making their feelings clear before the last time I left to return to Asgard. We would move mountains for one another, but I knew that Tony just needed to know what was going on with her.

I let out a deep breath, wrapping my arm around Harley, “she’s alive, but she’s in danger. I’m trusting them to protect her should that danger come for her. I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t. All you need to know is that she’s in danger and that I need them to protect her. There are people out there, very bad people, who are willing to do whatever it takes to get me to bend to their will. I thought my secrets were well kept, but I cannot hide her from him,” I explained, being vague for a reason. We didn’t have the time, and I didn’t have the energy to explain Ezra and his father’s desire to overthrow Odin, to bring his rule to an end. All Tony needed to know was that her life was in danger. I needed him to trust me the way I trusted him, “I owe you an unpayable debt already, Tony, a debt I could never repay even if I sacrificed my life for you. I’m asking you to just trust me. Trust that I wouldn’t be asking this of you unless I needed this,” I pleaded.

“When we’re done with this conversation, I’ll call them. You know how much they love you, how much they all love her, so they’d be willing to go to the ends of the Earth for either one of you,” he remarked, reminding me of the profound relationships I had with each of them, “how are you holding up?”

“I’m alive. That has to count for something, right?” I asked, finally managing to stand up. Harley disconnected his arms from around my waist, but he still remained at my side, “where are you?”

“I’m out. I had some work to do,” he answered, being just as vague as I had been with him. I snickered, sensing so much of his father in him. He inherited mostly the good parts of Howard, but his work ethic was astonishing, something that I wished he had inherited less of. There were too many nights where I would sit in his workshop, casting the veil over his eyes, and watch as he worked until he passed out. He was undone by his work at times, and this was no different. This was another time when Tony accepted a responsibility that wasn’t his. He wanted to fix something that someone else had broken, and that’s what made him a hero. He continued, “listen, Eva, I need you to get ready. I’ll be by shortly to pick you up. We’re going on a trip.”

I shook my head, glancing down at the boy by my side, “we can’t leave Harley and Kaia here alone,” I responded, my heart rising up into my throat. I knew that we weren’t just going to be gone for a few hours, and I wasn’t willing to just leave Harley alone again.

“Hey, Harley, do me a favor and turn the phone off speaker and give it to Eva,” Tony instructed, and Harley got to work doing what Tony asked of him. He handed the device to me, and I held it up to my ear. It took only a short second of silence for Tony to speak only to me, “this trip might be one-way.”

I nodded, understanding what he meant, “I might not be in the best condition. Can it wait just one more day?” I asked, the weakness still taking control of me. If I was given the time to regain some of my strength, we stood a better chance at defeating the Mandarin. I didn’t want to take any chances when it came to my ability to protect Tony. I wasn’t afraid to meet my end, but I was deathly afraid of losing him to Death’s cold embrace.

“It’s time sensitive. It can’t wait,” he replied, trying to be as gentle as possible, “besides, the sooner we finish this, the sooner we can focus on keeping her safe,” he added, wanting to give me an incentive to get it done as quickly as possible, “now, you can decide not to go with me, and I’ll understand. You have other people who need you, including Harley and Kaia, but...I need you on this, Eva. I’ve never needed anyone this much before in my life,” he explained, and I knew that he didn’t want to ask this of me, that he wouldn’t have asked me unless he was truly desperate.

I locked eyes with Harley and felt Kaia’s presence within the house. I closed my eyes and saw hers in my mind, as if she was standing directly in front of me. Green. The color of spring. They were filled with tears that twinkled like stars in the night sky. When I opened my eyes, I came to the realization that in order to keep them safe, I needed to help create a safer world for them, which was what Tony was trying to do. The sorrow that would come with leaving Harley and Kaia alone again would be a price I would willingly pay to ensure their safety throughout their lives. I nodded my head, “I’ll be ready when you get here.”

“Thank you,” he replied, his voice tender because he knew what I was sacrificing by agreeing to his plans, “you still have time to spend with them while you wait for me, but...spend it wisely with them.”