#somehow the comp het still took me

[therainbowgorilla]

My parents are so lucky I didn't decide to watch Sailor Moon as a kid (it didn't really come on my cable and I didn't care enough to pirate it. Mistake on my part lol), cause, come on, seriously, there's no way I wouldn't stop and have an identity crisis over how I loved the girls

[mistyeyedbi-archive]

Jump Off This Ledge I'm On (pt 2)

Summary: Fresh out of highschool and into college, Zuri sequesters herself in her dorm room with a flag in her hands. One that doesn't feel the same.

Warnings: Subtle mention of comp het and an innuendo made by non other than Bobby Marks

Prompt: Flags for @wayhavensummer

-

There was a hollow ache in her chest. Something pulsing and shuffling inside her ribcage. She was flat on her back, her legs dangling off of the twin bed in her shared dorm room. It was darker than it was before, the only source of light entering from the small windows on either side of the room. Soft pinks and blues filtering through the window and dancing along the poster-covered, white walls from the party happening just outside. Bass ricocheted off the walls and into her ears, and yet it couldn't distract her from her racing mind. 

It had been four years. Four years since she attended her first pride parade and grew confident in her identity. Four years since she was surrounded by joy and acceptance for a week, where nothing existed outside of celebrating herself and those around her. Her smile and her laughter had been more genuine than they had been in years. She was welcomed home with open arms.

She bought a flag that day. Soft, satin material. Shades of red and pink on either side of a white bar, sitting in her hands. It used to be her salvation. A lighthouse in the raging storm of feelings she couldn't sit down in front of her and analyze. She couldn't talk down something that drowned out rational thought, something that had fire in its throat and breathed flames and demanded to be heard. But this flag cooled prickling heat and cut through the grey clouds. 

So much has changed since then. Al moved back to the city. Zuri was in college now and everything about it was new and challenging and she grabbed it by the horns. New didn't scare her.

But the flag felt heavy now, a crushing weight of guilt. It was difficult to raise her arm and wave it through the air when it no longer felt right. When it no longer felt like clarity and comfort. The label that once fit snugly against her body had warped somehow. She never thought it could shrink and enlarge the way it did. That the collar could wrap around her throat and squeeze. That the sleeves could fall past her fingertips and graze the floor, leaving her fumbling to grasp onto something solid and stumbling with every step that she took.

She didn't think there would be more mountain to climb. The journey was supposed to be over, wasn't it?

But how could it be when she could still feel the flutters of attraction towards men? When she could still long for them the way she longs for women? When femininity and masculinity can exist in both and in neither, simultaneously and exclusively, and she could find herself loving any of it in any form? 

She could only allow herself to think that those feelings were forced for so long. The heart doesn't lie, and hers wanted to be with someone who goes weak-kneed at her attention and sends electricity down her spine. She wouldn't lose any sleep if she found that in a man.

And that terrified her.

Some people weren't as nice if you came out twice; some would see her as a living, breathing stereotype. Wayhaven's indifference towards sexuality wouldn't be enough to lift the guilt off of her shoulders.

She wasn't sure how she could go about doing this again. Another big announcement? Simply explaining herself if she found herself on the arm of a man? What if she went to pride in the city again? How was she supposed to see the same faces and let them see her covered in different colours? What would they think?

She frowned and lifted the flag, holding it out in front of her. Her vision blurred as her thumbs caressed the satin. What would Al think?

The door swung open. Zuri jolted, the tears collecting on her eyelids falling before she could stop them, rolling down her cheeks and to her ears as she held the flag tightly to her chest. She froze and dragged her gaze away from the ceiling to the door, letting out a small noise of confusion at who she saw.

Bobby Marks was leaning against the door frame, glancing at the bed on the other side of the room with a grin. It faltered at its vacancy before widening when his eyes landed on her. "Where's that gorgeous roommate of yours?"

She shifted, subtly wiping the tears away on the duvet while answering, "Riley?"

"That's her bed, isn't it?"

"With the amount of times her boyfriend crashes in here, it could be his."

"Boyfriend," he muttered with a frown. She winced, gathering up an apology for crushing whatever hopes he had with her before pausing at the sudden change in demeanor. His brow was raised, lips stretching into a smirk as he glanced at the bed again. "Those two are a couple of edgy rulebreakers, aren't they?"

Her eyes widened. That was an awfully chilly tone directed at someone he seemed to have some interest in. 

"You didn't think to tell on them?"

Zuri shook her head, putting her index and thumb together to make a zipping motion over her lips. He chuckled and stepped into the room, stopping when her gaze snapped to his feet. She barely knew him and it looked like he was gearing up to get cosy, as if she even allowed him in. He just walked in on her crying. God that's terrible, terrible timing-

He held his palms up, his smirk edging towards something more sheepish. "You're Zuri Jackson, right?"

She nodded with an affirmative hum.

"You don't seem as smiley as people say you are. Or talkative," he said with the slightest tilt of his head. "But you're gorgeous and good at keeping secrets, which makes you good in my books."

She hummed again, offering as charming a smile as she could muster at the compliment before turning her head and gazing out the window, her eyes following a group of her classmates strolling past the window.

"I'm heading out there soon, you should join me."

Zuri just barely held back a short laugh as she turned to him. Should.

"I could use the company," he continued, dragging his gaze down her body before returning it to her face, his smirk fading slightly as he lingered on her eyes. "And you look like you could use the distraction."

She laughed, hoping it sounded genuine enough, and sat up, staring at the flag for one last time. "You have no idea."

She looked up and inhaled sharply when she was met with an outstretched hand. She followed the length of his arm before stopping at his face (was that a smolder?), intrigue and amusement curling her features into a lopsided smile and a raised brow.

"I don't remember letting you in."

"I don't remember you protesting," he said, shooting her a charming grin. "And now I'm giving you the honor of being my date to this party."

Zuri laughed, shaking her head and taking his hand before pressing her own to her chest in faux enchantment. "Oh, what an incredible honor. I can hardly believe it. Truly, a sweet, charitable deed."

He smirked, pulling her to her feet and leaning towards her. "The deeds I plan to do with you are nowhere near sweet."

"Ha!" She ripped her hand away before walking past him. "Don't even think about it."

The boy was practically a stranger (a cocky yet weirdly charming stranger), but she'd rather hang out with him at a party than sit in her festering guilt. If she had it her way, she'd return too exhausted to think, pass out and wake up with everything solved. But there was still more mountain to climb, and she wasn't sure when she'd be ready to face it again.

New didn't scare her, but the familiarity of the closet did.

[closetedlesbianopinions]

Hey, I had a question and wondered if you could help me. I've identified as bi for a while but I've been wondering if my attraction to guys/male-aligned people is just compulsory heterosexuality. Because I can relate to a lot of the comphet posts, especially the ones that say things like "you'd hypothetically date a guy who meets Specific Standards". I have such high standards for guys even looks wise and I don't find 99% of guys attractive but I do find 99% of girls attractive. Any advice?

It really is such a hard thing to figure out! My biggest advice at this point would be to just focus on the attraction that you know is real and you know is wanted--the way you feel about other women. Not only is there something really healing about the way it feels to love another woman, to be loved by another woman, but it also gives you a chance to work through your feelings without worrying about it hurting this person you care about. Which is something that happens super often, people beginning to realize they might be lesbians whild dating a man, but deciding on one level or another not to think about it too hard because they're already with this guy and they don't want to hurt them.

Another thing that I think really helps is to think about how you feel about how you feel (I know that sounds so confusing omg!) Like, sometimes it's not possible to meaningfully sort out 'real' authentic attraction from attraction that you feel simply because it's what has been taught to you. And honestly, how meaningful is it in the end? For a lot of us, not very. What difference is there between a lesbian who is pretty certain that their attraction to men is just because of comp het versus a lesbian who's not sure at all but knows they don't -want- to be with men?

A good baby step starting place for this is to think about how y ou feel about being with a woman vs being with a man. Like, long term day to day. For example, when I imagined waking up next to a woman, being annoyed that she forgot to do some random chore, waiting for her to be done in the bathroom so I could brush my teeth, talking about what we should do for dinner... boring mundane every day stuff! it felt perfectly fine. When I thought about the same kinda situation with a man, there was like, this low level dread, almost a feeling of being trapped or imprisoned by this future (and its seeming inevibility at the time!)

(And it still took me like. Four years after I realized that to realize I didn't just hate the idea of long term relationships or getting married! That I just hated the idea of being with a man like that! Clueless lesbian who?)Of course, your individual feelings and experiences might be really different and that's fine too, this is only meant for a 'how to dip your toe in' kind of idea!

Good luck, and please know we love you and value you  no matter what, and no matter how you feel about men, it doens't change how you feel about women or make you any less welcome in the gay girl community! There's a lot of this idea that there's one right way to love women, and that having feelings for men in addition to women is somehow lesser, but there isn't and it isn't! You belong here just as much as anyone else :) z

[bievamohn]

Hi! First of all I wanna say your blog is really cool! But I wanted to ask: I gather you ship Eva and Sana so I was wandering if you'd mind telling me why? I feel like all of tumblr started shipping them overnight and I don't really see them together myself so I'm curious because I feel like if I've missed something. Thanks !! xx

I’d written a long ass thing for this and then accidentally pressed return. I somehow managed to write a really long post anyway, so I’ll put some of it under a cut.Disclaimer: I will be using the word q**er a lot, because it is a word the I personally am comfortable and identify with.

I’m just so in love with the idea of the two of them together, because I think it’s the kind of relationship that no one expected, but is great anyway. There are so many posts that I want to write about these two, but I haven’t yet. There are so many points that are central to why I ship Evana, but I can’t possibly fit them all in this post, so instead this has just become the backstory of my Evana shipping, and I’ll probably make another long ass post tomorrow.

First off, as I said, I’m queer. Plain ole gay. I love girls, and I love wlw ships, however many shows don’t really care about women characters and I am bitter.

But the girls in SKAM, god. As a young scandinavian, it is so refreshing to see an accurate portrayal of someone like me in a mainstream show, and I especially recognised myself in Isak, but that’s not what this post is about.The female characters of SKAM are (or were…) so well written, and while I initially did not actually expect to like the show, I did, because of the characters. Eva seems like what I would call one of Those Girls™ (I hate saying that, but you know, we’re all a little prejudiced), but we’re shown that she’s lonely, that she’s eats ice cream alone in her bed while watching Dr Phil, and that her skirt accidentally gets stuck in her tights. Now enter Noora, who’s kind to Eva, who ID’s as a feminist and I’ll say is definitely queer coded, more specifically coded as a lesbian. Eva get’s all excited about her accepting her friend request on Facebook and basically I’m head over heels for this ship before I even realised it. (rest is under the cut)

Come season 2, I find myself hopeful and then endlessly disappointed. I hated that season. I genuinely thought that Noora was going to be revealed (or whatever you say) as a lesbian, but no. Instead self-proclaimed feminist Noora falls in love with Willhell, after the way he has treated Vilde, the creepy shit he has said to Noora, and after him basically blackmailing Noora into going on a date with him. Excuse me, what?? Noora is a smart girl, and a lesbian I thought. He was terrible and Noora was so lovely and I just couldn’t comprehend it. Anyway, I didn’t let Noora’s sudden infatuation with Mr Terrible take away all my hopes. Bi, pan and ply people exist, @asianbambi recently introduced me to the idea of pan Noora, which I am absolutely not opposed to, or Noora could be experiencing comp het, which is a very real thing for many lesbians. With Eva kissing Vilde and also just being overall Great and Bi™, Nooreva still very much has my heart.This is probably where I should mention, that I didn’t like Sana originally. I thought she was too agressive and dominant, but as we got to know her more as a character during s1 and s2 I started liking her more and more, and at the end of season 2 I definitely liked her enough that she and her yellow hijab and sunshine smile in the last episode had me deceased.

Season 3 came with not a lot of girls, but a great deal of gay and also Sana. I was a bit disappointed by the lack of Eva & Isak friendship, but it is what it is. Season 3 was so so good and important, and I can’t even begin to express my love for it. O Helga Natt had me bawling for like a solid half hour and I’m getting emotional just thinking about it.I’m getting sidetracked, bc this is about Sana. I loved Sana in s3, everything she said was even more iconic than usual, and a thing that really made me love her was the talk she had with Isak about how homosexuality actually plays a natural role in evolution, because it showed us, that while she is an opinionated and independent character, she’s not afraid of admitting that she’s wrong. Throughout the season she’s just overall great and smart and beautiful (sorry i just love her sm) and she becomes my favourite character after Isak (who is mainly my fave because I recognise myself in his struggle with his sexuality and all that).

I was ecstatic when I found out Sana was going to be then season 4 main, and I was excited to see more of the girl group. While I was aware of some of the nasty shit Vilde had said, it just became so clear this season and also her and Magnus kind of make me want to barf (sorry), so let’s be real, Vilde high key cancelled. Evilde had been a minor ship of mine, but it never really took off because Nooreva had my heart and Evak took over my life (whooops). The first episode of season 4 was everything I’d hoped for, but then Julie wouldn’t let Noora and Willhell fucking go. Like it was bad enough with her interrupting Isak and Even in s3, but like it was an intersting way to build tension and I get it. But now? This is Sana’s season, and Sana and Noora weren’t very close before, what is happening?? Until recently, I didn’t really see Sana with anyone, but Yousef happened and boi was I excited about Yousana. They were cute, Yousef seemed to genuinely care for Sana, and I just want the best for her, so I was all aboard.Then episode 5 happens.

Noora? Cancelled. Yousef? Cancelled. Sana? Heartbroken. Me? Likewise. Evers since season 1 I have lowkey headcanoned Eva as bi, especially after the Vilde thing (you can pry bi Eva from my cold dead hands. god i love my url), and since Noora is now fully cancelled (or just don’t exist after s1, idk I suddenly haven’t seen her for 2.5 seasons) my bi daughter is all lonely and w/o a gf. But then @sanaseva saves me with a post about Eva x Sana and I’m like HECK YEAH. Because I love both Eva and Sana, and Sana deserves so much better than Yousef, and to me Eva is better. I’m very disappointed in the party girl Eva is currently being reduced to; basically Julie is making her one of Those Girls™, which is such a shame. But I love both Sana and Eva, and I am all about gal pals, to be honest I just see an opportunity. Sana is a smart sciency gal, can be a bit quiet, but is also fierce as fuck, and I think Eva compliments her nicely with her extrovertedness, her gentleness, her respect and loyalty to her friends, and the maturity we see at the end of season 1.

Also because I Sana was interested in Yousef and I don’t want to discredit that, I see her as bi, and tbh two bi people dating is great, regardless of their gender, because having someone who undestands that part of yourself is such a great feeling and so validating.So in short, Sana and Eva are bi girlfriends and they’re both great separately and together, and I love them..

[thekorcariwilds]

There's this horrible idea that somehow if a character thinks she's into guys at any point she can't be a lesbian and that's a line of thought that is incredibly harmful to, you know, actual real life lesbians who thought they liked men because of compulsive heterosexuality. So anyway yeah Chloe Price is gay and thank you for being passionate about lesbian representation because this shit fucks me up sometimes.

yeah i’m definitely still not entirely over it myself so it’s something that’s really important to me because it’s a big part of why it took me five years after realizing i liked girls to realize that i didn’t like boys. like i id’d as bi for five years and it was because comp het had affected me to the point that i genuinely couldn’t figure out that my attraction to men wasn’t real and that happens constantly. like i’ve met more lesbians who have been with men in the past than who haven’t because this shit seriously screws us up!!!!

and yeah ur welcome!!!!! it’s something that’s really important 2 me and like....... i really dont care if people think im being a bitch or whatever cuz it isn’t just about me like these ideas hurt actual real life lesbians and im not going 2 sit down and be quiet lol