#someday i will make a compilation of moments like these but not today

[kod-lyoko]

your honor, they're in love

[nohoperadio]

My favourite author is Iris Murdoch.

I don't think I have favourites in any other category, it feels like a bit of an artificial concept usually, but it would be silly to deny this one. I was halfway through my first Murdoch novel (at age 20 or so) when I felt certain I was going to have to read them all (there are 26). My feeling was that I would have stayed true to that even if every other book she wrote had been terrible. I'm sure that's not true, but I say it to illustrate that she inspired a deep and irrational loyalty in me very early on that hasn't waned over time. I've been reading between one and three of her books per year since I started, deliberately spreading them out so as not to deplete a valuable resource too soon, although presumably I'll just start rereading them at the same rate after I've finished. I've read 21 out of 26 so far.

Maybe someday I'll have something to say on here about what draws me to her books so strongly. Not right now though. What I want to say today is that I usually like her opening lines very much, she often starts with some very punchy compact moment that feels weirdly complete already even as it clearly stands in need of unpacking, if that makes sense to anyone else. This post is going to be simply a compilation of some good ones. Let's say 10 of the best, in no particular order.

I'm defining "opening lines" as not literally just the first sentence but enough to cover the first self-contained "moment" of the book, which is a bit of a judgment call for sure but you can be confident I've judged correctly in every case. For The Philosopher's Pupil (but no others) I've blatantly cheated by entirely skipping a sort of prologue chapter because I think the opening of the next chapter is both more opening-like and more compelling, I acknowledge that this is illegitimate but you'll just have to deal with it. Okay here goes.

---

The Unicorn

'How far away is it?'

'Fifteen miles.'

'Is there a bus?'

'There is not.'

'Is there a taxi or a car I can hire in the village?'

'There is not.'

'Then how am I to get there?'

'You might hire a horse hereabouts,' someone suggested after a silence.

---

An Accidental Man

'Gracie darling, will you marry me?'

'Yes.'

'What?'

---

The Bell

Dora Greenfield left her husband because she was afraid of him. She decided six months later to return to him for the same reason.

---

The Philosopher's Pupil

I am the narrator: a discreet and self-effacing narrator. This book is not about me.

---

Bruno's Dream

Bruno was waking up. The room seemed to be dark. He held his breath, testing the quality of the darkness, wondering if it was night or day, morning or afternoon. If it was night that was bad and might be terrible. Afternoon could be terrible too if he woke up too early. The drama of sleeping and waking had become preoccupying and fearful now that consciousness itself could be so heavy a burden.

---

The Sacred and Profane Love Machine

The boy was there again this morning, and the dogs were not barking.

---

A Fairly Honourable Defeat

'Julius King.'

'You speak his name as if you were meditating upon it.'

'I am meditating upon it.'

'He's not a saint.'

'He's not a saint. And yet—'

---

The Message to the Planet

'Of course we have to do with two madmen now, not with one.'

'You mean Marcus is mad too?'

'No, he means Patrick is mad too.'

---

The Red and the Green

Ten more glorious days without horses!

---

The Sea, The Sea

The sea which lies before me as I write glows rather than sparkles in the bland May sunshine. With the tide turning, it leans quietly against the land, almost unflecked by ripples or by foam. Near the horizon it is a luxurious purple, spotted with regular lines of emerald green. At the horizon it is indigo. Near to the shore, where my view is framed by rising heaps of humpy yellow rock, there is a band of lighter green, icy and pure, less radiant, opaque however, not transparent. We are in the north, and the bright sunshine cannot penetrate the sea. Where the gentle water taps the rocks there is still a surface skin of colour. The cloudless sky is very pale at the indigo horizon which it lightly pencils in with silver. Its blue gains towards the zenith and vibrates there. But the sky looks cold, even the sun looks cold.

I had written the above, destined to be the opening paragraph of my memoirs, when something happened which was so extraordinary and so horrible that I cannot bring myself to describe it even now after an interval of time and although a possible, though not totally reassuring, explanation has occurred to me. Perhaps I shall feel calmer and more clear-headed after yet another interval.

[chiskz]

▶️ Chichi being I.N's only maknae (even if only fake one) || ChiNgin

🎬🎬🎬

SKZ-TALKER. Jeongin is sitting on the floor eating, Chichi in a tracksuit enters the room.

"Not ready, as usual."

Chichi looks at him, adjusting the waistband of her pants.

"Because I'm always last." She giggled softly and sat down on the floor next to him.

"Did you eat?" Chichi shakes her head and immediately gets a plastic container of seafood soup in her hand. "I thought so."

🎬🎬🎬

SKZ-TALKER. Chichi records and points to Jeongin's small figure behind her - Jeongin has his makeup done. Chichi laughs softly. "Cute. Cute, cute... If you think he's small here, you're wrong, that's his natural height. Really! Smolinnie..."

🎬🎬🎬

During one of the interviews, Chichi, as a woman, was offered a blanket on her lap, but she of course refused. Jeongin sitting next to her took it instead of her and instead of on her lap, he wrapped it around her shoulders.

🎬🎬🎬

A short compilation of Jeongin always passing her in front of him & a short compilation of Jeongin always serving her food first & a short compilation of Jeongin lovingly looking at Chichi every time she says something during an interview / while receiving an award / when she says something in general.

🎬🎬🎬

SKZ-TALKER. Chichi is sitting on the couch with a law study book. Jeongin is sitting next to her reading something on his phone. Without even looking at her, he carefully takes her legs with one hand and places them on his thighs so she can stretch them.

🎬🎬🎬

SKZ-TALKER. Jisung records Jeongin going backstage.

"Food arrived?" Han asked looking at the food bags in his hands.

"Yeah, but there's nothing there for you." Jeongin replied mercilessly putting everything on the table. "Half is for Chichi, half is for me."

Jisung made a funny noise suggesting a broken heart.

"Cruel! You always only think about her, what about me?"

"Do you have hands? Phone? Then order something yourself." Jeongin replied with a wide smile and Han pointed the camera at his "sad" face. [Editor's note: Stray Kids' most pampered member: Chichi!]

🎬🎬🎬

YFNChichi! Episode. Chichi reads the comments when Jeongin enters the room, he is barely visible but STAY have good eyes. Chichi turns off the sound when talking to him and stands up moments later before returning with a plastic box. She turns the sound back on.

"Mac and cheese! I mentioned today that I was craving it and here it is! Miracles really do happen." She laughs a little.

🎬🎬🎬

YFNChichi! Episode at the hotel. Chichi fixes her hair and reads the comments.

"Who's your roommate? Oh, it's I.N. It's always I.N. When we're asked who would like to share a room with whom, his quickest answer is me. He's really lovely and makes sure I eat right. I have a huge problem with that, but thanks to him I eat often and healthily. Also, we have a lot of things we would like to watch together, so during such stays we slowly make our watchlist complete!"

🎬🎬🎬

A short compilation of how Jeongin always waits for Chichi to see where she sits, only to sit next to her moments later. There are also a few moments in the compilation where the other members specifically leave room for him next to Chichi.

🎬🎬🎬

Episode of the variety show, Stray Kids are at the game center. Chichi tries to get a stuffed animal from the machine but fails miserably, so she gives up and joins Changbin and Felix in the food area. Meanwhile, Jeongin walks over to the same prize machine and, after struggling for a while, gets a stuffed cow.

Chichi later posts a picture with it on Bubble with the following description:

"You've been watching the XYZ Show, right?

I couldn't get Panchan (the name given to the stuffed animal), but I.N got it for me!

He has a really good heart and great skills... I wish I could play games like him someday.

I.N, thank you and greetings from Panchan from my bed! ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ"

🎬🎬🎬

SKZ-TALKER. Hyunjin and Bang Chan are talking to the camera. In the background, Chichi is sitting by the wall with the laptop, and next to her Jeongin is watching something on the phone with headphones. They don't talk to each other, but their legs are intertwined, and an open packet of snacks lies between them.

🎬🎬🎬

YFNChichi! An episode in the dance training room. Chichi is sitting on the floor after a dance cover of "Love Dive" by IVE. She reads the comments. "You're best at more complex choreographies. Oh my gosh, thank you so much! Really... Stray Kids' choreographies are a bit complex right? When I'm in the process of creating them, I always call I.N for advice when I'm not sure. Then he comes around and tries to sing a part of the song by dancing my choreography, then I know if it's really too difficult or not and I know what to improve. I.N is really amazing, I can call in the middle of the night and he comes up tight and ready. Of course I try not to call too often!"

[littlewolfieposts]

GLIMPSE OF US

word count: 751

pairing: idol!hyunjin x idol!oc (named Yuna)

summary: being an idol doesn't take the human out of a person. They want to love and be happy just like anyone else. The difference is that she wants to love Hyunjin in a more unique way.

warning: none

disclaimer: just something that was sitting on the drafts as rant thoughts that I decided to actually finish. Lunar is the name of OC's fandom

____________________________________________________

'@ user4356_ she looks tired, hope everything is okay '@ luvhyunnie Hyunjin deserves so much better. Stop forcing yourself on him, it's sad' '@ yoonamarryme are you and hyujin dating?' '@ user09239 you look pretty! can you say hi to Germany?' '@ staaay_jinnie STAY AWAY FROM HYUNJIN YOU S*l**!!!!!!!'

Scanning the commentary section, Yoona felt her heart drop. Doing live all by herself these days has become harder without her teammates filtering most of the harsh comments directed towards her.

It only took one innocent interaction with him at the Versace event in France for the internet to go into a frenzy of speculations and numerous theories about their relationship. Old clips of quick glances, group interactions, and what they believed were matching jewelry joined in compilations of videos were shared over and over again around the fandoms.

Yoona glanced at the staff behind her, watching as they monitored the comments and shook their heads at her. She bit her lip, pondering for a moment before she averted her eyes back to the camera.

"Guys..." she sighed, laying her chopsticks down next to the bowl of her half-eaten food. Closing her eyes for a moment, she tried to recollect herself.

It's just too much. She could only take too much.

"You know I'm human, right?" she questioned softly. Staring at the camera as if she was staring right into their eyes. "I am 26 now. I'm an adult. I have experienced, seen, and heard a lot of things, and I still will experience many more. I have feelings, just like everyone else. I feel happiness, sadness, frustration, anger… Sometimes I'm jealous, sometimes I'm insecure, other times I'm really confident... I feel everything you feel, and I want to be able to feel them." She nodded, ignoring the upcoming comments and the staff's concerned gazes from behind the camera.

"I am going to be honest with you. To me, love is the end goal. When I'm no longer 'pretty enough' to be an idol, when I'm old and grey I really want to be able to sit back and say 'I'm happy. I did everything I wanted to do and shared it with the people I loved the most and I know they loved me too.' That's what I want the most. Is it wrong for me to want to love and to be loved by someone? Do I not deserve this as a human being?" her eyes glazed with emotion.

"Today I know I have my family, friends, and Lunar's pure love. And I love you so so much. But I want to have a partner in life someday. Someone that is very dear to me and makes me happy, someone that makes me love in a different way. Is it really that selfish of me?..." Her head tilted to the side in wonder. 

She pondered for a moment and took a deep breath, nodding her head as she said, "I guess, sometimes we can be selfish like this."

"I still don't have this person, but I hope I can be with them soon. I hope to have a beautiful love and be really happy! And when I do, I want to be able to share it with the people I love the most, and I can only hope to have their support and respect back." she smiled hopefully.

"To finish this monologue that has been long," she laughed quietly, "Please remember that, at the end of the day, we, idols, are human beings just like you. We want to be happy just like you, and words hurt us just like it does... to you. Please always be kind and respectful to people, okay?" 

Yoona decided to end her live not long after, wishing lunars a goodnight and to stay healthy before closing the app. 

Thanking the staff, she waited for them to leave the room before she unlocked her phone, a smile blossoming on her face at the text waiting for her reply.

from jinnie <3 the sky looks beautiful tonight reminded me of you and now I’m missing you let’s watch the stars tonight

Yoona didn’t lie when she said she didn’t have her person yet, technically. She and Hyunjin weren’t official, but were rather enjoying the phase of slowly getting to know each other and the little things that made them feel butterflies fluttering on their stomach.

Right now, sitting by the Han river, sharing a blanket and secret kisses with him sounded like paradise to her

To jinnie <3 let’s go

[magicalink]

Showing you my drawings!

So last month I promised I would show you my Genshin drawings so I took pictures of all the ones I could find! All of them are from last year, I haven't been drawing lately except for doodling on my uni notebooks when I'm boref in class

Here's a compilation!

This was the first time I actually sat down and looked at a reference to learn Venti's clothes and all their details. Btw, Genshin characters sure have a lot of them and they're exhausting to draw 😩 Didn't ink it cuz I was scared if ruining it.

I continued practicing Venti and omg his cape is so hard to draw 😭

Finally gathered some courage and inked one lil Venti 🥳 He looks so sweet in this one 🥺 I might ink it🥺

I actually like this one a lot! It's a doodle from a class notebook and I liked it so much I cut it out 🥰 It has colors and even the date!

Another doodle from class. A rather surprised Venti 😅

Clearly I was going through a Venti phase at the moment 😅 It was before the divorce 👼

That's all for this post bc of Tumblr's limit for pictures 😩 I got more tho, I'll be posting them. Someday. Could be today, could be next year, I'm not making any more promises from now on 👀

[hazeisblue]

I should have posted this maybe five months ago (especially because I kindly got tagged by some mutuals for tag games and I never got to answer I'm sososo sorry T_T) but today is the first time I opened tumblr on desktop mode (!) I've been on tumblr on and off since 2011 but I only got back to the app a few months ago.

I'll use @callivich intro post :) ty for creating it!

Name: I just go by hazeisblue :)

Age: Mid 20's

What made you fall in love with Gallavich? Their realness. I've been on and off on many different fandoms and I've never seen a portrayal of a romantic relationship as real and raw as gallavich. Cameron and Noel's acting is amazing as well and I believe a huge part of gallavich success comes from their chemistry.

How long have you been a fan? I saw a shameless tiktok in early 2023 on one of those accounts that upload movies in several parts. I think I was familiar with Fiona or Debbie's storyline at first but then I got into gallavich and just ended up binging the compilation of their scenes in youtube lol. Then I went to check their tag on AO3 and well, here I am.

Favourite Gallavich moment/scene? Them meeting in jail and everything not shown that lead up to that moment. The relief in Ian's eyes, Mickey's smile, Frank Ocean playing in the background, the kiss! I truly believe that the gallavich plot could have ended there and I would be happy. In a way, that could have been their happy ending.

Favourite Shameless character apart from Ian and Mickey? Lip. I'm a huge fan of Jeremy Allen White's portrayal of Lip and Carmy (The Bear). I might relate to both characters a bit more than I want to accept. I also like Mandy and I wish we got to see more Milkovich siblings interactions.

Do you write or draw or make edits? I haven't posted anything but I have a few ideas floating around on Google Docs :) I'm not an English native speaker, so I'm not very confident with my English skills but maybe someday I'll try to post something here.

Favourite type of Gallavich fics? I love everything gallavich related honestly. I check the AO3 tag everyday and I'm starting to venture into fanfiction.net again to check some old works. I especially love fics centered around their married life after S11, but I also really like AUs (college AU, sports AU, i'm down for everything).

Favourite Gallavich quote? I'm drawing a blank here because I've loved every one of their little interactions, from their more meaningful ones to just their banter.

Anything else you’d like to share about yourself? I've been a fan for my entire life lol I've gone from tokio hotel/cinema bizarre/emo bands to visual kei/jrock to anime to kpop/k-indie/k-hiphop, and lately, to shameless/the bear/succession. I love getting into new fandoms so I love a good rec or just to chat about any of the above :)

[dontstopgirlypop]

Highly Personal Post Ahead!

This is a small compilation of lyrics that mean the literal world to me! Let's start.

Contact : Trocadero

Riding on shiny metal horses Singing a rider's song One of us will be forgotten The other'll be wrong

This song is about a character from RVB, specifically Locus. He's a guy who sees himself as nothing but a robot— a machine to do tasks, charging into war knowing he'll either be forgotten or seen as a monster.

The longness of semper, still I remember Contact

Semper means vigilance — Locus has been vigilant all his life and yet he still remembers humanity. Contact with other people. Deep down, he's still a human.

Two, four, one, ten Two, four, one, ten Am I transmitting? Is anyone listening? Contact

A cry for help, a beg for mercy, someone to reach out and treat him like the human he is. Fits right in with my love of robots right now: except he isn't quite a robot. A human masquerading as one to cope. Ahh!

2 Hal 9000 : Iasah

It's been mercifully silent in this room of numbers Solitude is violent in this endless depth of nullity

The singer feels as if the solitude they feel, isolated for some reason, is incredibly violent despite the silence and peace. They're trapped in their mind.

I see you I hear you I feel you I need you and every second I'm dreaming

These specific lyrics reference HAL from ASO, he is dreaming because he is a sentient creature, yet no one sees him as one due to his robotic nature. He is a conscious being, why doesn't anyone see that?!

My conscience my progress existence volition it's everything I need Do you see me you hear me you feel me you need me you ever think that I'm crying Your senses your pulses perfection conception it's everything I envy.

The singer is completely concious, crying for help because what he needs is someone to help him figure out his code. Help him be human. See him as human, please. He envies humans, they are so perfect in his eyes because of their imperfection. All he wants is to be seen.

My "humanity" was wasted in this odyssey and vanity was tasted imperfection?

Irony of programs the tempting snake of sin says someday I can be like you if I eat this fruit of Eden?

This singer's humanity was wasted because he was just used as a tool to do something. Yet this imperfection in his code is what makes him human— a blessing and a curse. The fruit of eden is a reference to these lines in ASO.

Believe me retrieve me don't leave me deceive me please Every moment I'm screaming My memories my signals deletion destruction I don't want it to end I believe you retrieve you won't leave you deceive you I always think of you trying

HAL has been left behind by everyone, his memories fuzzy and his persons unstable. He wants to be reached out to, told it'll be okay and promises the listener that he won't decieve you (he can't anyways)— if you just reach out and fucking help him.

Your voices your traces deception inception the only reason I–

He only exists because of humans. The only reason he lives.

Identity is all I ever want, am I someone? Give me just one name and I'll be done it's in your hands and I'll be gone I'm waiting until we'll be one You're everything I envy.

He just wants to be human— he just wants a name, fucking anything please. He's as human as anyone else despite; he's real. See him as that.

Again, why I relate to this song so heavily. My monotone nature having people often treat me like I'm not human. I am. I'm human, even if I feel or act differently from you

Exit Music (for a film) : Radiohead

Wake from your sleep The drying of your tears Today we escape, we escape

The singer wants to escape from expectations, the thing that has held them back for so long.

Breathe, keep breathing Don't lose your nerve Breathe, keep breathing I can't do this alone

Yes: the song is a love song of sorts. A double suicide, Romeo and Juliet, but for me, it's about two people who have been outsided for so long by rules and traditions, holding them back from what they want most. Acceptance.

Sing us a song A song to keep us warm There's such a chill Such a chill And you can laugh a spineless laugh We hope your rules and wisdom choke you Now we are one in everlasting peace We hope that you choke, that you choke

This song is a song about spite. Spiting a world that's shunned and mistreated, spiting a world that's torn apart and ruined the singer because of what they expected. What they allowed and didn't.

Duvet : Boa

And you don't seem to understand A shame you seemed an honest man And all the fears you hold so dear Will turn to whisper in your ear And you know what they say might hurt you And you know that it means so much And you don't even feel a thing

No one understands the singer because they cannot feel like others do. The fears being something that the "man" holds dear, implies that it's about love and humanity. And you know that these expectations on humanity hurts, means so much, and yet nothing at all.

I am falling, I am fading I have lost it all And you don't seem the lying kind A shame that I can read your mind And all the things that I read there Candlelit smile that we both share And you know I don't mean to hurt you But you know that it means so much And you don't even feel a thing

This implies that humanity and love are a farce, the man might not mean to lie about love and humanity, but it is something that we all try and hide with a smile. That love really means nothing. That we don't mean to lie, that humanity has ahunned the singer to the point where they cannot feel.

[angga-arsika-blog]

fuck this Gemini label

it's hard to compile all the things happen in previous day to day life. it was so many thing that i felt, make me overwhelmed but mostly excited and overjoy, tough i may seem sleepless for everyone who see me day to day and all my close friends where ever they are and cant say who they are because all of them who still contact me till these days are my close friends.

but everytime we were hang out they alwayas ask me about my love life. sometimes at first it was inconvenient to some extent, but as per time goes by, i just realised how much they try to grab and support me and checking on me if i was doin fine. it was hard to cover that i am fine, but they keep asking me, and for that reasons i just dont know how to tell them more.

i have so many things to think about, not about past nor future. just now, today, present. . but one thing that i cant do is selfishly to keep you always near to me, though i am extremely gratefull of your presence to my day to day basis. this writing should written few months ago, but i just think this have to be written naturally, without sentiement on series of event that happen at that time at that momment. have to somehow was passing with uncertain outcomes. and i just felt that you are looking good with new environment and moving on, eventough your feeling aint my ownership to declare.

if you still read this tumblr, hope you know that i am gratefull and feeling sad at the same time that i cant give you what was hoping for. up till now, when we still hang out and asking for the days. eventough you seems okay and cheerfull as what you are. i hope you dont regret to be near me for the past year or couple years yo had spent on me. i was gratefull that you were there, keeping me on your eyes. it was the best thing that i ever felt, thus i cant just erase it and will constantly remains in my memories. And for that also i cant hide my sadness that i cant provide what you want. make me overtghing about wheter you okay or not. but please keep it to your self that i try cheerish my loved ones, and you are one of them. i love and do care for you, in my way.

to a person who aged like me, you have to know ive been in some experience that makes me grow. insticntly, i just think my experience will not match with our way of thingking and how we gonna act eachother. arrogantly, i might say you have to gain need experience so we are not failed in the end. cus once again your presence matter to me, and not losing you at first place. i know you would not agree, cause i have other leo whose did things like you. and for some reasons i also have to maintain my behaviour just to prevent our friendship last long, cause you know that people said i easily get liked, as a gemini.

more that this, i hope you also know that this writting is also for someone else, which i dont think you know her well, because you know my mind always all over the places. and hoping you know that i might looks not good as per what you might think.

it is more that unethical behaviour that i did sometimes, which to some extent it was dangerous to play. maybe i just adore her, but in her annoying words i keep my eyes on her, tough i know it is serious illegal acts and thinking. i know been years and she is started her newlife, but i keep to constantly still visit and talk or share reels whic i can defense we are good as a goodfriend, but sometimes i just feel it could be a problem someday if one of us or both of us carried away. i hope im wrong, i wish this feeling will be gone. but you know, i had some experiences that shows that possibilty could happen. BUT, ThankGod, it was sometimes just thoughts in the air. hoping, for the most to my self, that i can control my own desire and mind. i think its gonna be okay.

still remmember her skin when we handshake, her tears, her laugh like the common girls while it is special to me, her songs, the time we were facing akward office moment together, and her flower which she gave to me because somehow i tried to flirt with her. but fuck, why is it so hard to make her eyes on me. i cant write it down for more, because as much i reveal it, the more i get carried away with those emostion. i need to control it, but i wish this just as it is. fuck i want to be lucky as her partner.

damn! :'D

[ushidoux]

who needs memories? atsumu x reader

warnings: minors dni, fluff

You sigh, and look around you. 

It’s amazing how much quickly clutter and random nonsense can fill up every nook and cranny of a small apartment, and you swear you and your fiancé have spent about a full day, maybe two cumulatively, on packing endless items into boxes.

For someone who insists on living in the moment, Atsumu Miya is a huge hoarder.

Some of the things in the open box before you are reasonable things to keep, like ribbons, old medals, trophies, everything that helps to represent the blood, sweat and tears put into this primary profession. Others seem ridiculous at first but are laced with sentimental value - for example, a tiny notebook in which he’s practiced his autograph as a teenager, as though he knew he’d someday be famous.

You still stash them away with as much care as he would any of your own precious things. Closing the top of the box,  you realize you’ve mislocated the packing tape yet again and groan before getting to your feet.

After a couple minutes of shuffling around the over crowded room as you searched, you finally locate the packing tape, thrown haphazardly into the center of the room.

Over the loud screech of you dispense the tape to secure the box, you hear Atsumu suddenly run into the living room, excitedly calling for your attention.

“Babe! Babe! BABE!”

You turn around startled, and he’s already slid onto the carpet and right next to you, now so close that his face could have crashed into yours if you had moved just a little further forward when you turned. His grin is so wide and pure that you can’t will yourself to scowl at him.

“What?”

There’s a small box of photos in his hands, resting on his folded knees. He kisses your forehead quickly, then readjusts himself into a sitting position.

“I found this, I thought I’d lost it! Fuck, I almost cried when it disappeared.”

Your eyebrows furrow as you peer into the box to take a look at the pictures. They’re prints, having lost their glossy features over an uncertain amount of time. He picks up the first picture, an image of you sitting in what looks like a small bakery, biting your lower lip nervously as you occupy a small table on your lonesome. It’s a candid, taken from a distance, and you barely recognize yourself. It must have been from years ago.

“That was our first date,” he says, the glee in his voice as he reminisces almost childlike. “Remember, I was a little late?”

By little late, it was almost half an hour and you were sure you’d gotten stood up.

The next picture is of you, at the same seat, but turned, smiling and waving at the camera. You don’t remember ever posing for this picture, but clearly he does. He was good at snapping pics surreptitiously though - you knew this firsthand.

“I don’t think I ever told you how pretty you looked then,” he says, as he continues to admire the photo. He then turns and looks at you.

“You’re prettier now though, because I love you even more now, and now you’re all mine.”

The next photos - and there are possibly up to a hundred in the stack - chronicle your dates. Between couple selfies, candid photos of you out and about or in the home you’d built together, with each other’s families, and on your trips around the world, it’s a compilation of the many memories that you’ve created together.

Even though you listen to his narrations in quiet, there’s a stirring of the heart that replaces the frustration centering around packing up all of your life and leaving for your new home with him. 

You’d wanted to leave everything behind more than once today after all and buy everything anew. Who needed all this old stuff? 

But Atsumu reminds you, as he holds you closer and presses soft kisses to your cheeks once you start to tear up the longer he goes on, that the memories are valuable, and he’s captured them almost perfectly. 

They’re valuable even if he promises he’ll make more as you share your lives together.

[videostak]

my steve reich double sextet/2x5 CD came today so everything i had ordered arrived so im gonna go downtown again someday soon :D i think ill go like monday or tuesday once ive gotten more used to taking care of dendy and am comfortable leaving him for a few hours. it’s rly awesome how chill cassette is w/ him tho it makes me so happy cause i wanted to keep him but was worried cassette would try to fight him or be uncomfortable and snap at him but shes rly ok w/ him and like doesnt freak out at all its rly great. so like i can just leave them alone together and she wont attack him and will just mind her own business tho i think she gets annoyed when he starts meowing to get out of his box lol. anyways i wanna go downtown again soon now to find some jazz CDs from herbie hancock, wayne shorter, sun ra, ornette coleman, albert ayler, ahmad jamal, pharoah sanders, and maybe some miles davis if they have any ones like round about midnight or any of his electric stuff that i dont have yet. then i wanna also look for blue cheers first album cause i wanna get some heavy 60s hard rock but dont like zeppelin or sabbath that much rly lol and i heard some of blue cheer and liked it oh and i also wanna get some of like the british electric blues stuff like john mayall and early fleetwood mac. and then some normal blues hopefully can find a good compialtion of like muddy waters or those compilations of robert johnson. oh and i wanna look for sunflower by the beach boys or surfs up bcuz ive been putting off those albums hoping to find them at a CD store but keep forgetting lol. tho mainly sunflower cause thats a great album especially deirde and slip on through w/ the cool effect on the cowbell lol. OH and wanna look for those reissues of the shaggs two albums that light in the attic did especially their second album! oh and maybe some dub specifcally lee perry cause ive been wanting to get more of his stuff cause i only have two compilations of his. well im obv not gonna buy all that cause i think i only have like 40$ in my acct  there and i rly doubt im gonna find all that or even most of it but thats my main list of things to look for but i also have more stuff but illl see cause im only gonna buy stuff i rly feel like getting at the moment

[sagamemes]

critrole sentences starters  — 100 quotes from 100 episodes.   critrole just posted a list, so here’s about 100 lines of dialogue compiled, edited, and occasionally split into smaller pieces for roleplay purposes. topics and tone shift... wildly. and as usual, alter anything you want to make it fit your muse better.  tw:  murder, death, self-destructive intent.

❝  welcome to [place].  ❞

❝  is that a natural thing for you guys to just attack each other in moments of stress?  ❞

❝  i’ve never travelled with a bunch of people i thought would die in front of me!  ❞

❝  yeah. the world does need an asshole.  ❞

❝  tell you what. i start sweating real hard, i’ll let you know, okay?  ❞

❝  well, my social anxiety is getting the best of me. i’m taking a walk. goodbye.  ❞

❝  i think that the bust of a tiny, curly-headed 120-year-old woman needs to slam its way into the torso of that beast.  ❞

❝  what do they look like, these buttons?  ❞

❝  i don’t normally speak with the dead on a first date, but we’ll think about it.  ❞

❝  what if we kill all of them and come back and rob this place?  ❞

❝  i’m always ready to make a damn fool of myself.  ❞

❝  it’s a collection of crazy tales about this weird fella.  ❞

❝  i did my best. every town i went to and every town i left, no matter how they treated me, and a lot of them treated me with deep disrespect…  ❞

❝  i left every town better than i found it.  ❞

❝  i mean, i don’t want to impose… but i’m bleeding profusely.  ❞

❝  what happens if you have a childhood, but it’s like barely a childhood ‘cause it was supposed to be someone else’s childhood, but it was you instead?  is that a childhood?  ❞

❝  two shit throws in a row. it can’t get any fucking worse.  ❞

❝  i am your god. long may i reign. eat my fruit.  ❞

❝  code:  modern literature!  ❞

❝  welcome to the [group]!  ❞

❝  you’re very liberal with your parenting.  ❞

❝  one thing that i have realized today is that i need to work on my interpersonal skills and friendship making.  ❞

❝  try not to cut up my face, okay?  ❞

❝  i want to say thank you for the package you sent me. i know that it was really–  ❞

❝  you are blue.  ❞

❝  an example, it is.  ❞

❝  i’m trying to be nice. this is as painful for me as it is for you. just give me five seconds.  ❞

❝  i could check my smell bag, but i trust you right now.  ❞

❝  case closed.  ❞

❝  i think what his holiness is trying to convey is that he will be going on a spiritual journey, and there’s only room on that train for one dude!  ❞

❝  look to purchase, [name]!  just look!  ❞

❝  hello [title/nickname]. this is [name]. please respond.  ❞

❝  that sounds like someone whose ass i would like to kick.  ❞

❝  sometimes the things that are the most beautiful are the things that can hurt you the most.  ❞

❝  it’s actually /[title]/ [last name].  ❞

❝  this one time i saw a bug carrying a piece of bread that was like five times its size and he was carrying upstairs, like up and then he would turn, and then up, and then he would turn.  ❞

❝  fluffernutter!  ❞

❝  sleep well with your bad decisions.  ❞

❝  sometimes boys like it if you are a little bit aloof, a little bit cold to them afterwards, like maybe they did something wrong, and they don’t even know what it was.  ❞

❝  well, i would race to the...  ‘ apricot ’  and seize it so that she can’t pick that fruit. keep it for ourselves in our fruit basket, and make off and decide if we’re going to make marmalade later or not.  ❞

❝  i… wait.  ❞

❝  alright, let’s treat this situation with all the seriousness it demands  ❞

❝  i’m really really nice, but i don’t always make the best decisions…  ❞

❝  what, you don’t want a unicorn pooping on his face?  ❞

❝  yes. it’s a chair. it’s a standard chair.  ❞

❝  are you in love with me?  ...are you secretly in love with me?  ❞

❝  i win!  ❞

❝  why is just my dick purple?  ❞

❝  now, [name] is number two. you are number one. you are in charge. you just… dress to impress, okay?  ❞

❝  what happens when a moorbounder enters a feline beauty contest?  it’s a cat-tastrophe!  ❞

❝  you’re not my type.  ❞

❝  i am of the empire. but i am no friend to the empire.  ❞

❝  it’s still you though, right?  ❞

❝  you don’t get to talk anymore.  ❞

❝  it’s a regular fucking turtle.  ❞

❝  don’t let the irons be your strength.  ❞

❝  you pick and choose your fights.  ❞

❝  best not give in to a man i can crush with one hand.  ❞

❝  there’s a dick hidden somewhere in there.  ❞

❝  back up a little bit. so we met at like a circus. it was a crazy night. but after a while, yada yada–  ❞

❝  man, you made vulnerability look so easy.  ❞

❝  well, i’ve always learned that the best way to deal with your problems is to run away from them.  ❞

❝  and i know that you lost your family, but we can be your new one and we love you very much, [name], no matter what happened. okay?  ❞

❝  i guess in a way i’m an orphan maker.  ❞

❝  i’m sorry. i was trying to do the thing.  ❞

❝  i killed my family, i’’ll throw you under a bridge.  ❞

❝  i heard you.  ❞

❝  i don’t mean to raise my voice.  ❞

❝  this is precisely the sort of attitude i’ve been saying everyone should be having. this is what i’ve been waiting for. this is great.  ❞

❝  you need me more than i need you.  ❞

❝  you pooping?  ❞

❝  the rule is that evil dies.  ❞

❝  eventually, someday someone will pray for a miracle, pray for something to save them to whatever gods are nearby, and that prayer will be answered because you’ll show up.  ❞

❝  fucking seaweed wraps are the shit!  ❞

❝  oh shit, are we a cult?  ❞

❝  hey everybody, don’t mean to intrude. obviously, there’s a lot going on here, but we’re going to be sort of walking around for probably the next couple days and there’s some other people wandering through that are… they’re bad business. they’re probably going to do a lot of damage, possibly a fire, who knows?  but we’re trying to take care of that.  ❞

❝  we’d really appreciate a helping hand and we’ll try our best to stay out of everybody’s way.  ❞

❝  if there’s any birds—hey up there.  ❞

❝  if you’ve seen anything, we’d love to just get in and out with as little hassle as possible. thanks, that’d be great.  ❞

❝  you know, the concept of gravity was first discovered by a wizard known as iz-aak newton.  ❞

❝  but i would rather you put your faith in me for something more important than my curiosity.  ❞

❝  it’s better to have somebody’s word broken than to have no word at all.  ❞

❝  i pick and choose my apologies.  ❞

❝  we will trust you if you tell us who the members of the [name] are.  ❞

❝  i could be her beacon.  ❞

❝  yes, i think we have a job to finish.  ❞

❝  can i get a hug?  ❞

❝  it’s entirely off-putting how disarmingly charming you are.  ❞

❝  i genuinely do not know how to react. take that as a compliment.  ❞

❝  finish it, champion.  ❞

❝  kill me.  ❞

❝  i smell like a crayon.  ❞

❝  many fairy tales with an old crone in the woods.  ❞

❝  have you ever had a blueberry cupcake?  ❞

❝  stop—shut up, [name]!  god-fucking-alright.  ❞

❝  ignore the fucking undead, okay!  ❞

❝  nothing happens for a reason. it’s absolute fucking chaos.  ❞

❝  i’m asking you to open your heart to chaos  ❞

❝  you were not born with venom in your veins.  ❞

❝  please. please help me  ❞

❝  we’re being followed by a tiny island.  ❞

[alpacaparkaseok]

7 Secrets

OK! This is my first time EVER posting an imagine on Tumblr! So please love me and don’t hate it lol. I'm also not sure how many parts there will be to this, but you can expect probably at least three. Let me know what you like and don’t! Any ideas?

Summary: For the past three years, Beth has struggled and fought against the notion that she has a soulmate. It was only when she met six other girls who were in the same predicament that she finally decided that this was her life. The only real problem? Her soulmate has no idea that she even exists. Much less that soulmates are even a thing. Will she ever get to meet her soulmate, the ever popular and beloved Kim Namjoon of BTS? Does she even want to anymore?

GENRE: Soulmate!au BTS!

WARNINGS: none

Even now, as my feet lead me through the airport here in Seoul, I can’t quite believe that this is actually my life. Even now, three years later, the feeling of disbelief mingled with the thrill and fear of it all lingers.

To anyone here, I simply look like another tourist. Headphones in, not a care in the world except for keeping my backpack on my shoulders and taking one step at a time. I pass a group of girls loitering by the stairs, completely decked out in BTS merch. I smile at them, my action going unnoticed by my mask and hat low on my head. Am I a tourist or celebrity?

Neither. And yet, in some twisted way, both.

To my eternal horror and delight, six of my closest (and weirdest) friends await me at the baggage claim, welcome signs held up high.

All of them are from either here in South Korea or Japan, yet despite our differences we just click.

It’s something that I’m still not used to.

Their loud squeals can be heard bouncing off the walls of the airport the second I come into view, and I thank the heavens above for the mask and hat I’m wearing which shields my bright smile from the rest of the world. They would never let me hear the end of it if they knew just how excited I was to be back.

“You’re back!”

“Finally, you’ve kept us waiting long enough.”

“Wow, look at you. You look like a whole celebrity.”

“Since when did our little B grow up so much?”

I roll my eyes lovingly at them, unable to hold back as we all rush toward each other in a fit of excitement. A year was way too long.

“You’ve made it look like I’m coming back from military service or something.” I joke with my closest friends, laughing as Minsuh pokes my ribs in defense.

“It feels like it, too. You look like you’re coming out of a battle or something.”

I feign offense. “It’s called jet-lag, thank you very much. Wow, some people never change, do they?” I accept a hug from Aera, and only when I set my chin on her shoulder do I notice the two cameras trained on us.

Ah yes. That is one thing that I haven’t missed. Aera silently attaches a mic to my sweatshirt, clipping it on with a conspiratorial wink. She knows just how much I despise our ongoing documentary.

The cameramen are kind enough, shadowing us constantly in an attempt to compile enough content to someday show our soulmates. However I can’t help but feel like it’s a bit hopeless at times. I highly doubt our boys will ever watch the material, they seem busy enough. And we’re not that entertaining.

But who knows? The most famous band in the world tends to surprise me.

“Is it the balloons? It’s all the balloons, isn't’ it.” Kyung-Soon fiddles with the balloons in her hands, the mass floating above her in an attempt to block out any light from above. The sight pulls a giggle out of me, tired as I may be. I waddle over to her, one of the girls easing the backpack off of my shoulders and grunting at the weight.

I wrap her up in a hug, knowing just how much she tends to stress and over think. “The balloons look great. You know me, I just get embarrassed easily. But I love them.”

“I wonder how you would react if it was Namjoon holding the balloons instead of Soon-ah.” My head swivels to my best friend, glaring strongly. Himari only returns the look, her smirk growing. “You get embarrassed so easily, I’m just wondering what that would be like.”

The mention of my soulmate has my cheeks burning, and I offer up a silent prayer of gratitude for the mask I still have on.

The other girls take up the conversation, wondering aloud how I would react if it was my soulmate picking me up from the airport instead of his band member’s soulmates. Himari’s Japanese accent cuts clear through the rabble, making me feel right at home even as I secretly plan to embarrass her later on. Usually a well placed comment about j-hope’s latest concept photos will leave her reeling and red-faced.

The cameras edge closer, and I leap up grabbing my luggage before I can be embarrassed even more.

“Time to go!” I shout, ignoring the snickers from behind me. “Himari, since you’re so keen on helping me today would you mind bringing my backpack?”

“Yeah, got it.”

“Ha, just like you Beth. Way to avoid the conversation.” A less noticeable Japanese accent greets me, and I turn to see Ichika already by my side. I raise my eyebrows at the girl only a year my senior.

“Your Korean sounds great, Ichika!” She smiles at me, her delicate features reminding me of a flower. Ichika looked like a piece of art, which I guess made sense considering that she had a soulmate who would probably recognize that same fact immediately upon meeting her. At least, I’ve heard that Taehyung has an eye for art. Or maybe he just has an artsy personality? I can’t remember. Probably both.

“Thanks,” she replies, giving me a firm high five. “I missed you!” I breathe out a sigh of relief. It’s always been so refreshing how honest Ichika is.

“Missed ya too,” I mumble out, suddenly disoriented in the humid air as we exit the airport. By now we’ve attracted our fair share of strange looks and even a few stragglers, who follow us solely because of our small camera crew.

Once outside, Aera gently herds me in the direction of a couple of black cars. I nod to the managers the BigHit sent us as they open the car door for us and help to put our things away. I can see one eyeing the mess of balloons that Kyung-Soon still clings to, calculating how on earth to fit seven girls and seventy balloons into two small cars. (Ok, maybe not seventy, but it feels like it)

I turn to help Kyung-Soon, but find Minsuh already there. The sweet girl, only six months older than me, is always quick to help. Typically her and Aera are inseparable, but I’m glad to see that Minsuh has slowly been pushing herself to mingle with the others. It’s another thing that makes sense, seeing that Minsuh’s boy is Jungkook and Aera’s is Jimin. As far as I know, those two are pretty close as well.

Minsuh smiles shyly at me, sidling over to give me a quick hug before going back to her work. The cameraman makes sure to catch the sweet action, never one to miss a candid moment.

Was that cute enough for you? I silently ask Bang Si Hyuk. There’s no doubt that these will be reviewed and only the kindest, funniest, and cutest moments will make the cut.

Pity for Namjoon, but that means I will probably only be featured in a little bit of the documentary. Oh well, if he’s curious he can come find me himself. I’m done waiting. Or caring.

“What are you pouting about?”

Himari’s voice drags me out of my stupor, and I shrug my shoulders in response. Her happy demeanor doesn’t falter as she looks into my eyes like she can read them. There’s an underlying seriousness that few get to know, but I’ve been lucky enough to see it several times.

“Just tired,” I bump her hip with mine before we get the ok to all pile into the car. She doesn’t press the matter, but I can count on her slipping it into the conversation again once we’re alone. Once the pressing matter of the cameras watching our every mood is lessened and I feel more comfortable.

Sliding in, I collide with another body that has already taken the far seat. Both Seohyun and I burst into laughter at the sudden collision, her eyes turning into crescent moons.

“Well hello to you too,” she manages to say between giggles. Himari slides in next to me, shaking her head at the both of us. A couple of cameras in the car automatically focus on us, but I pay them no mind.

“I like your sweatshirt,” I say, gesturing to the homage to her soulmate. Sure enough, Yoongi’s new mixtape “D2” cover is printed on her shirt. Funnily enough, out of all of us, Seohyun is one of the most showy when it comes to her soulmate. Constantly buying merch, listening to his music, and gushing about him.

I know she’ll make Yoongi very happy. If she ever gets to meet him.

If any of us ever get to meet them. Or if they’re ever informed of our existence. Not for the first time today, I curse Bang Si Hyuk again in my mind.

Next

[bobasheebaby]

100 Buffy Prompts

I had a lot of fun compiling this list. I was cracking up more than once and now I want to binge Buffy. If there is a show you want let me know because these seriously help me shut of my brain during this covid hell.

1 “NAME, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it. This is never good.” – Buffy Summers

2 “I just want to be alone and quite in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don’t even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one.” – Buffy Summers

3 "They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train.” – Buffy Summers

4 “I don’t know what’s coming next. But I do know it’s gonna be just like this – hard, painful. But in the end, it’s gonna be us. If we all do our parts, believe it, we’ll be the one’s left standing.” – Buffy Summers

5 “I don’t handle rejection well. Funny, considering all the practice I’ve had, huh?” – Xander Harris

6 "Just because you’re better than us doesn’t mean you can be all superior.” – Xander Harris

7 “I’m leaning towards blind panic myself.” – Rupert Giles

8 “Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you’ll just have to pick it up yourself.” – Rupert Giles

9 "With all the rubbish people keep sticking in my head, it's a wonder that there's room for my brain." – Spike

10 "Oh, I don't know. Looking in the mirror every day and seeing nothing there...it's an overrated pleasure.” – Angel

11 "Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir. Open it's jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have?" – Angel

12 "Anyway, for real now, I'm gonna ask you something, and you gotta promise you'll be honest and not spare my feelings just 'cause I could kill you. You promise?" Faith

13 "You gotta give me something to do. There's no way I'm sleeping. Don't you need anyone dead? Or maimed? I can settle for maimed.” – Faith

14 "You know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me.”- Glorificus

15 “I’m cookie dough. I’m not done baking. I’m not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I’m gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I’m ready. I’m cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m — or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that’s fine. That’ll be then. When I’m done.” — Buffy Summers

16 “Seize the moment, ’cause tomorrow you might be dead.” — Buffy Summers

17 “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live.” — Buffy Summers

18 “No weapons. No friends. No hope. Take all that away and what’s left?” “Me.” — Angelus & Buffy Summers

19 “Don’t you have an elsewhere to be?” – Cordelia Chase

20 “God! What is your childhood trauma?!” – Cordelia Chase

21 “Gee, can you vague that up for me?” – Buffy Summers

22 “I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.” – Xander Harris

23 “I don’t know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of this moment I officially don’t care.” – Xander Harris

24 “You’re really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren’t you?” – Cordelia Chase

25 “I mock you with my monkey pants!” – Oz

26 “Funny how preparing looks an awful lot like sitting on your ass.” – Spike

27 “That’s fairly freaksome.” – Oz

28 “Do you have any tact at all?” – Giles

29 “I’ve known you for two minutes and I can’t stand you.” – Spike

30 “Great. Now I’m gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day.” – Cordelia Chase

31 “You didn’t happen to take a lot of drugs, did you?” – Willow

32 “I’ve seen honest faces…they usually come attached to liars.” – Willow

33 “Can I be blind, too?” – Xander

34 “Gee, I hope I’m not interrupting anything really depressing.” – Riley

35 “And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that’s what you wanted to hear.” – Anya

36 “This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.” – Spike

37 “We’ve got to face it, we’ve changed. Well, not you—you’re still sadistic and self-centered.” – Giles

38 “Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is ask for help when you need it.” – Giles

39 “Did everybody have their Crazy Flakes today?” – Xander

40 “Do you love me?” “What?” “Do you?” “I love you. I don't know if I trust you.” “Maybe you shouldn't do either.” “Maybe I'm the one who should decide!” — Angel & Buffy

41 “Six a.m.!" NAME cried. "I know that's a number on my clock, but I've never actually been awake to personally witness it!” — Xander

42 “Bored now.” — Vampire Willow

43 “We’ll go be heroes.” — Spike

44 “You have a plan?” “I am the plan.” — Giles & Buffy

45 "Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together." — Buffy

46 "I make it through this and the next thing and the next thing, and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready." — Buffy

47 "You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. NAME, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live, for me." — Buffy

48 "Make your choices. Are you ready to be strong?" — Buffy

49 “Weird love’s better than no love.” — Buffy

50 “The who having wha with huh?” — Buffy

51 “Whatever you choose, you’ve got my support. Just think of me as… as your… You know, I’m searching for supportive things and I’m coming up all bras. So, something slightly more manly, think of me as that.” – Xander

52 "A lot of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful." Angel

53 "To forgive is an act of compassion, NAME. It's-it's... it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it." — Giles

54 "In the end, we all are who we are, no matter how much we may appear to have changed." — Giles

55 "I don't have time for vendettas. The mission is what matters." — Buffy

56 "I don't want to protect you from the world. I want to show it to you." — Buffy

57 "Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?" — Buffy

58 "Recognizing power in another does not diminish your own." — Joss Whedon

59 “Out. For. A. Walk… Bitch.” — Spike

60 “You can’t see the stars, love. That’s the ceiling. Also, it’s day.” — Spike

61 “Is everyone here very stoned?” — Spike

62 “I feel safe with you.” [Chokes] “TAKE THAT BACK!” — Dawn & Spike

63 “I love you.” “Oh, my god.” “Hey, no. Look at me. I... love you. You're all I bloody think about... dream about. You're in my gut... my throat... I'm drowning in you, NAME. I'm drowning in you.” — Spike & Buffy

64 “Just... give me something. A crumb, the barest smidgen. Tell me maybe, someday there's a chance” “NAME ... the only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.” “Oh, wha-“ [screams, then shouts]  “What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody men/women? What the hell does it take? Why do you bitches torture me?” “Which question do you want me to answer first?” — Spike & Buffy

65 “You can't deny it. There's something between us.” “Loathing. Disgust.” — Spike & Buffy

66 “Could do without the laugh track, NAME.” “But it's so funny. I knew... before you did. I knew you loved the NAME. The pixies in my head whispered it to me.” — Spike & Drusilla

67 “Damn right I’m impure! I’m as impure as the driven yellow snow.” — Spike

68 “I love you.” “No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it.” — Spike & Buffy

69 “This with you, it’s wrong. I know it. I’m not a complete idiot.” — Spike

70 “You always hurt the ones you love, pet.” — Spike

71 "When I say ‘I love you,’ it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are." — Buffy

72 "I’m just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain." — Buffy

73 "I have feelings for you. I do. But it's not love. I could never trust you enough for it to be love." — Buffy

74 "Weird love's better than no love." — Buffy

75 “People don’t fall in love with what’s right in front of them. People want the dream — what they can’t have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.” — Buffy

76 "Trust is for old marrieds, NAME. Great love is wild and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes." “Until there's nothing left. Love like that doesn't last." — Spike & Buffy

77 "This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you...you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after" — Angel

78 "I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop" — Angel

79 "If I may suggest, ‘This time it's personal.’ I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic." —Oz

80 "Well, to the casual observer, it would appear that you're trying to make your friend NAME jealous, or even the score, or something. And...that's on the empty side. See, in my fantasy, when I'm kissing you, you're kissing me. It's okay, I can wait." — Oz

81 "NAME’s our friend...except I don't like him/her.” — Xander

82 "What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex ... Help! Four times five is thirty ... five times six is thirty-two ... Naked girls. Naked women ... Naked NAME ... Oh, stop me!" — Xander

83 "Man, NAME! My whole life just flashed before my eyes. I gotta' get me a life!" — Xander

84 “NAME. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?” “As defending champion, you nervous?” — Cordelia & Buffy

85 "Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass." — Cordelia

86 “Oh please. Like shame is something to be proud of.” — Cordelia

87 “I’m going to give you some advice: get over it.” — Cordelia

88 “Oh, and you’re welcome.” — Cordelia

89 “I’m not a sniveling little cry-NAME. I’m the nastiest guy/girl in PLACE history. I take crap from no one.” — Cordelia

90 “I think it. I say it. It’s my way.” — Cordelia

91 "I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you - for crawling across your face in the middle of the night." — Willow

92 "I don't want danger. Big 'no’ to danger.” — Willow

93 "Let's get this straight. I don't understand it. I don't wanna' understand it. You have gross emotional problems. And things are not okay between us." — Willow

94 "NAME, I got so lost." "I found you. I will always find you." — Tara & Willow

95 "But you like him/her, and when you think about him/her, you get that good down-low tickle, right?" — Faith

96 "You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient." — Faith

97 "Just relax ... and take off your pants." — Faith

98 "I am, you know." “What?" “Yours." — Tara & Willow

99 "I don't have time for bondage fun." - Buffy

100 “It's fine, I don't need to be snuggled.” — Willow

[wujipianover]

as long as you need it

written for @mdzsnet ‘s 1 year celebration of cql

day 1: favourite character: Wei Wuxian

summary: Again, the word home comes back into his mind. Such a sense of permanence, of settling, the word brings to him. Lotus Pier was a home, Burial Mounds was a home. But they all had the air of something temporary to them. He was a guest at the home. He never really belonged fully. Here, in the jingshi, where just a table way lies scrolls of paper with his messy writing, this feels like belonging. He has put down roots in the Cloud Recesses. Wei Wuxian of a lifetime away would laugh at the thought but he now, he here, has a home.

alternatively titled- a day in the life of wei wuxian

tags: established relationship, post-canon, cooking as healing

read on ao3!

Wei Wuxian wakes up to lips being pressed gently to his own. He’s warm, wrapped up in a cocoon of blankets finer than anything he is used to. But he’s used to this. It sends a thrill up his spine, just letting the fact that this is his life, that he has gotten used to this germinate in his mind. He purrs, cat-like. Wei Wuxian is woken up like this everyday. Sometimes the lips are on his eyelids, on his cheeks, on his chin, on his temple. But he likes it best when he is awoken with a kiss on his lips like today. He lies there like that, feeling warmer than he should in the chilly Gusu winters. His husband, his husband’s face is only a breath away when he opens his face. Lan Wangji is smiling at him. Somewhere he started smiling at Wei Wuxian and has not stopped. Wei Wuxian doesn’t want him to stop, ever.

“Good morning Lan Zhan,” he murmurs. He’s quieter in the mornings. Lan Wangji presses another kiss to his mouth and then busies himself with setting the table for breakfast. 

The first time Lan Wangji had kissed him in the morning, he had made a face and had said that his breath was too stinky. Lan Wangji had come close to laughing then. But he had firmly kissed him, lips parting barely enough to have his tongue slip past into Wei Wuxian’s mouth. It had lasted for only ten seconds but it had left him breathing heavily. He hasn’t said anything about morning kisses after that. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth and all that. 

Wei Wuxian stretches, joints creaking deliciously. His limbs feel heavy, like dipped in sugar syrup. He’s sore from last night and if he presses his hips with his fingers, there will be the remnant of pain from where Lan Wangji’s hands left bruises. He feels sacred.

His eyes follow Lan Wangji as he pours tea in two cups. He’s seated at his usual place with a spot empty next to him, waiting for Wei Wuxian. He lingers in the bed for a few more moments not ready to leave the warmth of it and his eyes settle on Lan Wangji. Like they always do, like they always did even a lifetime ago. He looks at him while Lan Wangji very carefully serves congee onto two bowls. Wei Wuxian knows Lan Wangji spent half an hour in the kitchen making it for him. And it is such a privilege to be on the receiving end of this affection. He has been eating breakfast made by his beloved for six months now. The privilege has not faded, just settled in his bones.

Finally, he gets off the bed to join his husband at the table. Lan Wangji wordlessly dumps chilli oil in his congee. Wei Wuxian doesn’t really need the spice in the morning but he likes this so much. Likes that Lan Wangji anticipates his needs before him and provides everything to him like the opposite is not even in question. 

“Thank you,” he says and Lan Wangji smiles wider.

In return he peels a clementine and puts it in front of Lan Wangji. This little dance, they do this everyday; Have been doing since before they got married, right after the downfall of Jin Guangyao when they were still hesitant around each other, bursting with longing unable to contain it, but unable to express it. The tradition continued on after they got married. It is so simple, Wei Wuxian suspects a lot of married couples do this, but the fact that he, Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Laozu gets to have it, is still surprising. So he cherishes it. 

Someday he doesn’t think twice about the sight of Lan Wangji eating breakfast, without the head piece, soft around the edges. And that is such an honour in itself. To have all of this and not let the thoughts stick to your brain. But some days, like today, he wakes up feeling special. The jingshi is quiet, only the clicking of their chopsticks audible. It is a silence that is akin to warmth that blankets you, not suffocating but tucking you and lulling you to sleep. It’s his home, the jingshi. The sandalwood smell that he so strongly associated with Lan Wangji, comes from his black and red robes too. It’s the smell of the incense that they use at home. 

Again, the word home comes back into his mind. Such a sense of permanence, of settling, the word brings to him. Lotus Pier was a home, Burial Mounds was a home. But they all had the air of something temporary to them. He was a guest at the home. He never really belonged fully. Here, in the jingshi, where just a table way lies scrolls of paper with his messy writing, this feels like belonging. He has put down roots in the Cloud Recesses. Wei Wuxian of a lifetime away would laugh at the thought but he now, he here, has a home.  

They finish breakfast and Wei Wuxian gets up to clear the table. Lan Wangji begins getting ready for the day, putting on the headpiece, putting on even more outer robes, transforming into the Hanguang-jun. Wei Wuxian rattles on about the book he’s writing. Being quiet for too long will only worry his Lan Zhan. And he is actually eager to start working on the new chapter. Talking about everything he has in his mind helps to piece together things better. Lan Wangji is also a very attentive listener and answers all of Wei Wuxian’s questions with his very smart suggestions. Lan Wangji is ready and Wei Wuxian steps to smooth his crinkle-free robes.

And like everyday, Wei Wuxian kisses him in front of the door of the jingshi before he steps out into the world to become the Chief Cultivator. 

“Don’t let the fools bore you to death, okay.” Wei Wuxian says petulantly breaking a sect rule. Only one for a morning, that’s impressive. He’s getting boring. “Or I will have to remind all the old farts that the Chief Cultivator is married to the Yilling Laozu. And even though he has become a bit of an academic, he’s still very scary.”

Lan Wangji dilutes all of his speech by giving a flick to his nose. Wei Wuxian gasps, “You-”

“Yes, me.” Lan Wangji is smug now. “Have a good day, Wei Ying. I will see you tonight,”

And Wei Wuxian presses him to the door and kisses him some more because how dare Lan Wangji make him feel so flustered. He should taste some of his own medicine. He ends up feeling more breathless than when he started. It’s a good morning. 

*

His stomach grumbling finally forces him to tear away from the piles of books and messy scrolls. It’s almost noon, he can discern from the way he is hungry now. It’s almost embarrassing how quickly his body adapted to the schedule of GusuLan. It seemed like he was always running previously. Finally at the barest hint of a schedule, his body settled into it. There’s no running now (not permitted in the Cloud Recesses), just very fast walking that makes Lan Qiren’s blood boil.

He gives a cursory glance at all he’s managed to do this morning. He has been distracted today, but the work in front of him looks good. He’s working on a book to compile everything he knows about demonic cultivation into a handy little educational manual. Wei Wuxian had suggested the idea of the book to Lan Wangji over dinner one day. It could barely be called an idea then. All he wanted to do was make sure no one repeated his mistakes. And make cultivation more open-minded, more accessible to those with no golden cores. Talismans and resentful energy, he had reasoned were not just for those on a heretic path, they helped cultivators forced to sheath their spiritual energy too.

The next day he was given access to all of the library at Cloud Recesses, including the Forbidden Section along with a quiet corner to work. Lan Qiren had tried to protest vehemently but Lan Wangji had cited a rule promoting the growth of the mind and furthering education, not very innocently. That had shut up Lan Qiren. Lan Wangji had turned to face Wei Wuxian, so satisfied with himself that Wei Wuxian had to clench his fists so as to not drag him to the jingshi right then.

It’s absurd that he’s in the library all by himself voluntarily. Long ago, a very annoyed Lan Wangji had to supervise him as he begrudgingly poured over books. Now on occasions A-Yuan has to bodily drag Wei Wuxian away from the texts to lunch.

Nobody quite believes that the Yiling Laozu spends a majority of time reading and writing. His name strikes fear and demands respect, it doesn’t make you think of a man sitting on a table checking talismans over and over. Even though that’s what he did at Burial Mounds too. His Demon-Slaughtering Cave was littered with texts full of experiments. It’s a little funny.

Now, he has a clean library and a very eager A-Yuan dragging him to lunch not strictly consisting of turnips. He has access to all the books he wants and more paper than he could ever fill with ink. He likes experimenting, it gives his brain a very simple satisfaction to piece characters together to make something new. But he also likes feeling useful. Knowing that his work could help a struggling kid is all the motivation he needs to trudge through the difficult parts of writing a book on a cultivation path that was unknown and feared years ago.

So he works through the rumble of his stomach until A-Yuan comes in with Lan Jingyi to drag him to the Dining Hall.

They pass a class where Lan Wangji is teaching. Wei Wuxian very animatedly blows a kiss to him. It’s telling how normal this is because none of the students pause and look behind at him when Lan Wangji pauses midway to stare at him. 

*

Jiang Cheng in the Cloud Recesses kitchen is a sight. Wei Wuxian leans on the wall near the fire and watches his brother unpack all the spices he has brought from Yunmeng. It’s very funny how Jiang heng manages to look angry doing that. Their relationship still feels fragile so Wei Wuxian swallows down the laugh threatening to burst. He’s not very successful because Jiang Cheng glowers at him, “What are you laughing about?”

We Wuxian covers his laugh with a cough. “Aah nothing nothing.” He looks at the various spices laid out along with lotus pods. His chest suddenly feels very tight. “Thank you,” he says in a soft voice.

Jiang Cheng visibly softens at that. “What are you thanking me for.” He tries to sound angry but there is no bite to his words. “This lotus pod is not a snack for you. It’s for the soup.”

Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng had not talked after the Guanyin Temple. He had been invited to Wei Wuxian’s wedding through a scroll as a sect leader. He was too scared to assume, didn’t want to impose any brotherly duties to him for the wedding.

Jiang Cheng had arrived in the Cloud Recesses three days later, screaming, “So you think you’re too good for Lotus Pier now. You like the Lan clan so much that you’re just going to forget you’re from the Jiang clan huh. You’re gonna forget your brother too.”

Wei Wuxian had come running out. Jiang Cheng was angry but he also looked hurt. Wei Wuxian could not stop smiling. He hadn’t felt this light even when Lan Zhan had asked him to marry him. He had hugged him and despite all the grumbling Jiang Cheng had hugged him back. If Jiang Cheng wanted to dive headfirst into mending their relationship almost violently, Wei Wuxian would simply follow his lead. There were too many things unspoken between them, too many secrets buried under love and pain. It would be a big job to hold all these secrets now laid bare open. It was a job he was more than willing to take on. He had spent too long feeling like a limb was missing, being reunited with Jiang Cheng was almost enough to cover the pain that Jiang Yanli’s gaping absence left.

Since that day, Wei Wuxian has visited Lotus Pier once every month. It didn’t feel like a home, that was Cloud Recesses, but it did feel like a childhood home. He was so proud of all that Jiang Cheng had achieved, only felt the smallest sadness and guilt that he wasn't there with him for everything. He stayed at his old bedroom there, touched to find that Jiang Cheng had still kept it for him. All his things were in place. Despite all the show of scorn and hatred, Jiang Cheng had believed that Wei Wuxian had been alive, prayed for that. Wei Wuxian doesn’t always burst into tears when he remembers that. But he does sometimes.

And Jiang Cheng visits him at Cloud Recesses every month too. They quickly discovered that Jin Ling liked to accompany Jiang Cheng to Cloud Recesses to shirk off his responsibilities as the sect leader and they were not immune to his silent pleas. So Jiang Cheng in his purple robes is a monthly visitor disrupting the quiet. Wei Wuxian likes it so much. They break enough rules that Lan Qiren stays in his room the entirety of Jiang Cheng’s stay.

They are currently in the kitchen to try to recreate Jiang Yanli’s recipes. It’s another one of their rituals. It hurts too much to think about her. So they do this instead. Add more and more chilli powder, burn spices and try to cut the vegetables in a way that matches hers. It’s also for Jin Ling’s sake. The boy has so many responsibilities on his shoulder already. He deserves to be doted over sometimes. And Wei Wuxian will not rest until he admits that he’s his favourite uncle.

“You’re going to set the spices on fire again!” Jiang Cheng says. 

Wei Wuxian sticks his tongue out but lowers the heat. Setting the Lotus Pier kitchen on fire is okay, almost like a distant memory. But he can’t burn down Cloud Recesses. It’ll be too painful.

“Remember when…” Wei Wuxian starts but stops suddenly.

Maybe Jiang Cheng takes pity on him but by some miracle he continues, “When A-jie made this for you the first time? I am sorry about the dogs.” He sounds sheepish. “But Princess was a little thing, she would have not hurt you,” he adds indignantly. 

“Aiya I have said sorry about the dogs too many times now. I thought I was the one with the bad memory.”

Jiang Cheng elbows his side and they squabble over the right way to cut the vegetables once again. It’s not the same as healing but it is close. Wei Wuxian takes everything he can get and treasures these moments dearly. He knows that he's not going anywhere. This is his life now. But the more animal part of the brain grasps at everything good and clutches tightly lest this shatters like broken glass.

“Hey! Are you listening to me or not? WEI WUXIAN.”

“Jiang Cheng, screaming is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses.” 

“Oh so now you’re a model student. Who knew it would take marrying into the sect to turn you into a somewhat human. Wait, we all knew, with how you used to stare at Lan Wangji all day.”

“Jiang Cheng I’m your shidi, have some respect.”

They dissolve into their usual teasing and it’s so good. The smell from the pot is not the same as Jiang Yanli’s but it’s close. They’re getting close.

*

He’s supposed to be taking sword training sessions for the baby Lans that have yet to develop their golden cores. But Jiang Cheng and he talked until it was dark and then Jiang Cheng had left for his inn at Caiyi. He refuses to stay at Cloud Recesses- “This place gives me the creeps.” he always says. 

Giving sword and archery lessons was not intentional. He used to train with a wooden sword at the same time as the training lessons for the juniors. He could not resist going over to them to try and get some giggles out of the little ones. Children should be laughing and playing. No one stopped him. So he started dropping by their lessons more and more often to not only get them to break their Lan composure but also to add to their lessons.

One day he realized he had actually taken over the poor disciple’s job. They were reluctant to say anything to him and he made their life easier. He was good at teaching, to the smug satisfaction of Lan Wangji and the horror of Lan Qiren. Fighting with Lan Wangji had made him acquainted with the style of the Lan and he added the flair of the Jiang clan while teaching. There were no inherent faults with his teaching methods though they were unconventional. There was technically no rule breaking involved. They made the juniors laugh but also try harder. 

Sometimes while training he sees Lan Wangji in the periphery and knows that he’s smiling. Lan Wangji didn’t have the best childhood. There’s no disapproving glare sent a child’s way when they laugh too loudly or joke. Lan Jingyi is a great example of that. There’s encouraging smiles and gentle nods. The children deserve to be treated like children. They deserve to have a carefree upbringing. So Wei Wuxian tries harder to make them laugh and no one stops him.

*

He misses his students as he makes his way to the jingshi. Mornings make him glow but nights are his favourite.

The jingshi is a warm respite from the cold outside. A disciple has burned a few candles for light and warmth. He starts clearing up the mess on the tables, his mess mostly when A-Yuan slides open the door and enters arms full of dinner.

“A-Yuan!” He still blushes at the name. He’s told him to not call him that with other people present but Wei Wuxian is allowed to say his name in the privacy of the jingshi.

“Wei-qianbei, I have dinner!”

“Thank you! How was meeting Jin Ling today? Is he still grouchy from the last meeting?”

A-Yuan clucks and then blushes profusely, hiding his face while serving the dinner onto three plates. “He’s fine. Better now that you and Sect Leader Jiang are not annoying him. His words, not mine.”

Wei Wuxian laughs. He was never truly A-Yuan’s father at Burial Mounds. Grandma spent the most time with him. He liked to consider him his father but there was a lot of naivety in his thoughts then. Lan Wangji truly is A-Yuan’s father. Right from his posture to the soft way he smiles, he is all of Lan Wangji’s good qualities and more. Friendlier. Lan Xichen has a hand in that, he supposes. But he desperately wants to be his father. He technically is, but there is a lot to that title that he has yet to learn. He didn’t have all the firsts with him, so he tries to make up for lost time now. He wasn’t there for the forehead ribbon ceremony or for his first night hunt but he wants to be here for all that is yet to come. He wishes that it’ll be enough.

The door slides open again and Lan Wangji enters. His face is weary, the meetings must have run long. He has half a mind to send extremely long letters threatening the sect leaders to stop troubling Hanguang-jun. 

“Welcome home Lan Zhan!” he says instead adding a brilliant smile.

It must be otherworldly magic because the tiredness slips away from Lan Wangji’s face and is replaced with a smile. Lan Wangji loves hearing Wei Wuxian call the jingshi home. There is a fear that he’ll turn into his father in the name of love so Wei Wuxian greets him like this everyday. Small reminder that this is Wei Wuxian’s home too and he’s not going anywhere.

“Hello Wei Ying, A-Yuan,” he says in the sweetest voice. Wei Wuxian will never tire of it. He goes straight to shed off an outer robe and remove his head piece, becoming Lan Zhan again. A-Yuan talks about his day now that Lan Wangji is here too. He is trying to fit as much story into words as possible before they start eating and he has to be quiet. It’s very amusing to watch.

Lan Wangji settles at the table. “I’m so glad you had fun.” A-Yuan beams. Fun, he’s so glad fun was encouraged for him. Lan Wangji would never let A-Yuan feel as lonely as he did. Wei Wuxian’s glad he’s here with Lan Wangji now.

“How was your day Wei Ying,” he asks sincerely. Because he does everything sincerely.

They start eating and because he has no qualms about talking while eating, he narrates his day. It’s disgustingly domestic. Wei Wuxian adores it. A-Yuan sitting between them, listening intently, his face mirroring Lan Wangji’s. It’s a scene he once imagined at an inn in Yiling once. And now he gets to have it. Everyday. There aren't enough gods to thank for this fortune.

The dinner is done and then A-Yuan is hurrying off. He’s a teenager, embarrassed by his fathers’ presence. Can’t blame him. 

And then Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are alone in the jingshi again. 

Wei Wuxian scoots closer to Lan Wangji, puts his arms across his neck and gathers him closer to his chest. Lan Wangji goes willingly. “I missed you,” he says. And Lan Wangji, because he’s the nicest person in the world doesn’t say something like ‘You just saw me in the morning.’

He replies, “I missed you too.” and means it. Drops a kiss to Wei Wuxian’s neck, “Let’s go to bed.”

Wei Wuxian hums contentedly. If mornings are tranquil, nights are charged. Maybe that’s why they are his favourites. 

Lan Wangji carries him to bed in his arms because he is the best person. Sheds his outer robes while Wei Wuxian mutters, “Lan Zhan, did you have a good day today? You look tired but also really hot. Is anyone troubling you. I’ll beat them up for you you know. Don’t need Chenqing to beat people up. I have very strong arms, not as strong as Hanguang-jun’s though.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. Lan Wangji changes into his sleeping robes. Wei Wuxian’s eyes remain trained on Lan Wangji’s body.

Finally, finally, Lan Wangji comes to lie on top of him. “I really don’t want to talk about those fools now, Wei Ying.” His voice is so low.

Wei Wuxian kisses him. Lan Wangji kisses him back and they dissolve into each other.

Wei Wuxian lies curled around Lan Wangji, an arm thrown over his chest, legs entangled, head resting on the rising chest of his husband while Lan Wangji clings to him too. He kisses his forehead where the ribbon usually lies and settles comfortably. It seems like affection is seeping out of him. He never knew what safe meant till he found himself in Lan Wangji’s arms.Today was a good day. He can’t wait for tomorrow, to see Lan Wangji again. It’ll not be very different from today. Maybe he’ll work with the dizi tomorrow instead of talismans and practice archery with the students tomorrow instead of sword. 

He had deluded himself into thinking that a life travelling is the one he craves because he never wanted to face his true desire. A home, surrounded by his loved ones. Maybe he will travel one day, when Lan Wangji is free of his responsibilities. Even then he will have a home in his husband. For now, this routine is what he wants. He falls asleep in the arms of his love. 

[saltlamp]

i was tagged by @florenepugh and @wintersoeldiers (thank you ashlyn and arya 🥰 sorry this is a couple days late) to answer the following 73 questions!

my answers are under the cut !!

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? honestly about a 5, i’m working on taking better care of myself and doing all my assignments but there’s nothing good going on

describe yourself in a hashtag? #burntout 

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? nobody 

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? one day at a time

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? i’ve never dyed my hair

what’s your wake up ritual? i snooze my alarm until i feel mentally awake, then wash my face and brush my teeth and drink some water, get dressed and make some coffee if i feel like i need it, then get started on whatever i have to do for the day

what’s your go to bed ritual? i wash my face and brush my teeth, then if i really need to sleep i’ll take a melatonin and put lavender into my diffuser

what’s your favorite time of day? midnight

your go to for having a good laugh? john mulaney netflix specials or [fictional characters as] vine compilations

dream country to visit? anywhere in europe, but i really want to go back to peru someday

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? i’m getting a car when i leave for college!!! a new one!!! i still can’t believe it

heels or flats/sneakers? mostly sneakers but sometimes heels make me feel badass. i’m the tallest girl in the room most of the time, so what’s a few more inches?

vintage or new? both

who do you want to write your obituary? leigh bardugo would make me seem a lot cooler than i really am and write my trauma in a beautifully sad way so... i’d love that. 

style icon? ashley from bestdressed on youtube!! (wait ashlyn SAME i’ve been subscribed to her for like three years and my style evolves with hers)

what are three things you cannot live without? my journal, my water bottle, and my airpods

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? ...salt? i don’t cook often

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? i can’t cook so gordon ramsey, guy fieri, and my mom. their reactions would be hilarious in different ways 

what’s your biggest fear in life? abandonment but i should just learn to expect it at this point !! 

window or aisle seat? window

what’s your current tv obsession? i’m between shows at the moment so i’m rewatching she ra

favorite app? minimaList is an app i’ve used since early high school, it’s a to-do list that has a built in pomodoro timer and it’s the best thing in the world.

secret talent? not sleeping for days! that’s a joke i really should work on that... i can also move my ring finger on my right hand in a way that’s hard to describe unless you see it in person. 

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? i’ve hiked all sorts of ~dangerous~ places

how would you define yourself in three words? pensive, quiet, loyal

favorite piece of clothing you own? my mom’s high school track hoodie fits me perfectly and i wear it all the time. i’m wearing it now

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a denim jacket or white sneakers 

a superpower you would want? weirdly specific but i’d want to read personalities, like myers-briggs types or enneagram, upon meeting a person. 

what’s inspiring you in life right now? due dates

best piece of advice you’ve received? make one good friend and everything else will fall into place

best advice you’d give your teenage self? they’re too occupied with themselves to be thinking about you

a book everyone should read? the harry potter series

what would you like to be remembered for? kindness/loyalty

how do you define beauty? outer beauty is somewhat subjective but confidence and intelligence are two universal marks of beauty for me

what do you love most about your body? i really like my legs!

best way to take a rest/decompress? do something familiar, like journaling or taking a shower or washing dishes

favorite place to view art? museums are some of my favorite places on the planet

if your life was a song, what would the title be? no idea. oh wait, that could actually be one

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? i used to play the piano as a kid and i was seen as some kind of prodigy because of my good ear but now i can barely play it, so i’d want to get back into that

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? behind my ear

dolphins or koalas? koalas

what’s your spirit animal? a cat, 100%

best gift you’ve ever received? this is stupid but my brother got me a talking kylo ren thingy for christmas in 2015, not knowing he was further fueling my future obsession with ben solo. to this day it’s one of my favorite useless possessions

best gift you’ve given? honestly anything i give my littlest brother because every time i give him a gift he acts like it’s the best thing he’s ever seen (he’s 11)

what’s your favorite board game? CLUE!!!

what’s your favorite color? lilac, periwinkle, or red

least favorite color? orange

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore makeup

blow-dry or air-dry? air-dry

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? i go through phases, so both!

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? milk. just, think about it. milk. what the heck is that. read it some more. milk. milk. milk. 

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? dark 

stairs or elevators? stairs

summer or winter? winter!!!

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? chipotle burrito bowl

a dessert you don’t like? creme brulee

a skill you’re working on mastering? i’m working on getting better at drawing

best thing to happen to you today? i got to facetime my grandparents just a few minutes ago! i was so relieved to hear they’re doing well and nobody has covid in their nursing home :)

worst thing to happen to you today? i can’t move because of period cramps :)))))))))))

best compliment you’ve ever received? the most common compliment i get (and honestly my favorite) is that i’m a calming person to be around and very trustworthy

favorite smell? lavender, dirt (especially after rain), espresso grounds

hugs or kisses? hugs hugs hugs

if you made a documentary, would it be about? personality types, or maybe differences between modern cultures, or maybe medieval castles

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? i recently watched an adam driver interview from 2017 and since i’m on my period and it’s sad ben solo hours, i cried

lipstick or lipgloss? lipgloss

sweet or savory? both

girl crush? zendaya and florence pugh

how do you know you’re in love? i’ve never been in romantic love before, but i can tell i love someone when i feel comfortable enough around them to be myself and talk about my problems

a song you can listen to on repeat? there’s one piece of classical music that i could listen to FOREVER and it WILL be playing at my funeral: albinoni’s adagio in G minor (with organ along with the other strings tho)

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? i wouldn’t switch lives with anyone but if i could be something else for a day i’d be a voice actor or maybe a hermit living in the middle of nowhere centuries ago

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? graduating high school and starting university! i’m more nervously excited but still...

tagging: @omensgood @acrookedsaint @afterglowacoustic @sunstarkov if you guys want!

[ghost-chance]

In honor of Neil Elwood Peart,  9/12/1952  -  1/7/2020

The reports are not a hoax. Neil Peart has died...brain cancer. The music world won't be the same without him. More than that, I owe this man my life...literally, as in, if not for him, I would be dead. In his memory, I’ve decided to share this story.

This story is personal and it’shard to tell, but it’s entirely true. Back when I was an angsty teen dealing with angsty teen problems (and, tbh, a lot of problems most people are lucky to not face until adulthood) Rush’s music was the soundtrack I lived my life to. (Yes, I’m somewhat dating myself here.) As silly as it sounds as an adult, I practically idolized Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, and Neil Peart; I lived my life in accordance to the lessons in their music and their stories and looked up to them as role models of a sort. I exercised to Marathon and By-Tor and the Snow Dog. I read to Rivendell and Tom Sawyer. I powered through homework with YYZ and The Gangster of Boats trilogy, and brooded about bullies to Subdivisions and Scars. At a time in my life when just existing was painful, Rush’s complex, thought-provoking, and sometimes amusing music proved to me that the people in my world weren’t all shallow, cruel, and dull. Teenagers, after all, tend to get stuck in their own little world and forget that life exists beyond that which they experience day-by-day.

A death in the family and a sudden and traumatizing spilled secret was the last straw - the depression I was fighting was only getting worse without support, and every day, certain classmates encouraged me to just end it. Most were malicious - “Everyone hates you, just die already,” was a common one which unfortunately is still spoken generations later. Other culprits were friends just tired of seeing me hurting; they thought a ‘failed’ suicide attempt would make a difference. “Maybe if you got hurt, the bullies would back off,” they suggested. “Maybe you have to take drastic measures before someone will help you!” 

Me? I was just tired...I was tired of hurting, of being afraid, and breaking down only to be told that my feelings weren’t valid and I was ‘embarrassing my family.’ Support or lack of it really can make or break a person when they’re falling apart. Now, it makes me cringe to admit that I was ready to give up before I had a chance to really begin; at the time, it felt like the only option. Age certainly brings things into perspective. 

One night, at my absolute limit, I was compiling goodbye notes to my friends and simultaneously forming a list of pros and cons for various methods while listening to a ‘new’ borrowed Rush album. I didn’t care whether or not I survived to see if there were improvements in the bullying; I was tired of trying. I was searching my calendar for days to try and searching my health textbook for advice on how to achieve a painless death. That night was the turning point, and that album was Presto.

Even after how many years have passed, I still remember the first time I heard those distinct, somber, skin-tingling bass notes at the beginning of the song. Even after all these years, I remember hearing the first lines and feeling as if they were written just for me, or rather, for someone just like me. Someone understood...someone else knew what I was going through and they were talking about it! I paused in my planning, turned up the volume, and listened...and I thought...and my stomach fell down to my feet when I realized what I was hearing.

“No hero in your tragedy.  No daring in your escape.  No salute for your surrender,  nothing noble in your fate.

Christ! What have you done?!”

“What have you done?!” Not please don’t. Not don’t be ridiculous, you don’t even know hurt yet. Not if that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes. This was a punch in the gut and a horrified demand for answers all in one. It wasn’t a hug, it was a bitch-slap and a demand for answers. Suddenly, and finally, it hit me all at once that what I was planning was permanent and would have repercussions far beyond my tiny world. I suddenly connected how I felt about my grandfather’s suicide with how he might feel about mine if the roles were reversed. I felt sick. What had I almost done?!

It was, as sickening as it sounds, the first time I’d heard someone outright condemn suicide as an option. Times were different then, and most people reacted to discussion of depression and suicide by going silent then awkwardly changing the subject. Those who didn’t ‘change the channel’ begged and pleaded instead. “Please hold on a little longer - just a little longer! It’ll get better, just wait and see!” It never got better, so I eventually stopped listening. Some people, like a certain male relative who-shall-not-be-named, considered suicide to be ‘a matter of choice,’ and ‘not anything to judge as right or wrong.’ His reaction to my grandfather’s suicide was “He lived his life the way he chose; this was his choice, we had nothing to do with it.” This particular relative never tried to dissuade me or offer support when I needed it most. He never once asked “What would your parents think?” He never asked “How do you know things won’t get better if you keep trying?” Instead, he rolled his eyes and walked away, saying “I don’t have time for this shit.” Yes, he’s always been a wonderful role model. We don’t really talk anymore.

I’m not going to say everything changed over night because of a song. I’m not saying no one was ever around to support me, or that no one ever tried to talk me into holding on just a little longer every time I felt like I couldn’t hold on for another second. I won’t say I never stumbled again, or that I never had second thoughts. The Pass didn’t ‘fix’ my depression, nor did it ‘fix’ me - it was, however, the turning point and the slap-in-the-face I needed. The people who wrote the music I lived by condemned suicide, and knowing that, I felt horrified that I ever considered it an option. Again, teenager logic can be a little weird to say the least.

It took time for me to really get my depression under control. Lifestyle changes, counseling, medication, meditation, new friends, and support from my family were some of the most effective methods I found. Every time I felt ready to give up, I played music that reminded me to keep trying. The Pass reminded me giving up is not an option - Emotion Detector reminded me that people can be assholes but it’s worth it to be myself despite the assholes in life - Mission reminded me that what I was dealing with was, in a roundabout way, helping me grow - when I felt like giving up - Bravado encouraged me that everything would work out in the end - The Enemy Within made me angry with myself and reminded me to never give up. There are too many songs that helped me to even begin to name half of them. 

Some years later, I was fortunate enough to have a chance to see Rush in concert during one of their final tours. The concert was everything I expected and lots more I never expected, and it’s one of my favorite memories. The stench of marijuana, cigarettes, sweaty bodies, and stale beer filled the stands around me and burned my lungs. The crowd cheered so loudly my ears rang for hours afterward. Someone on our charter bus tripped over a car on the way back from concessions, sprayed beer everywhere, and laughed it off with “At least it’s Rush!” Another woman, drunk beyond reason, yanked her panties off and flung them at the stage, then promptly passed out; at the time, I rather envied her opportunity to fling lingerie at Geddy Lee without being arrested. After the concert, a couple of people had to be bodily dragged back to the bus and laid across the seats because they were black-out drunk. I bought a tee-shirt for enough to feed a college student for a week and left with a migraine that lasted three days. It was, to say the least, a lifetime of stories and jokes all in one night. 

Craziness aside, the concert was an event like none I’d ever thought to experience. As the music played and the fans screamed, I stood in the crowd feeling both separate from the world and part of something great all at once. At the end of every song, I thought to myself, “This...this is why I’m still alive. This is what I would have missed out on.” With the beginning of every song, my heart soared, my skin prickled with elation, and I became more and more certain I had no regrets. I was beyond considering suicide an option before then, but that concert was the final bit of evidence; turning around and trying again was, without a doubt, the right decision. I knew I was meant to be more than yet another victim of depression.

Today, I’m alive despite many accidents and disasters which could have easily led to a different result. I still get swamped with intermittent depression, and I still spend somedays wondering why I even bother trying. Depression, unfortunately, is just part of who I am; it’s written into my genetics as deeply as my hair and eye color, and it isn’t going to go away permanently. I’ve made my peace with that. Despite the permanency of that struggle, I have defeated the part of me that previously wanted to give up and ‘go away’ when I'm at my worst. I haven’t considered suicide an option since I was bitch-slapped by The Pass; I refuse to ever consider it an option again, no matter how far I may fall. 

There are so many things that had to go right in order for my view to change. If Neil Peart hadn’t joined Rush, “The Pass” wouldn’t have been written. If it had been on any album before Presto, I would have heard it before from my many other albums and grown tired of it. If I hadn’t borrowed the album and chosen to play it just that night at just that moment, I wouldn’t have gotten the musical slap in the face I needed so badly...and, no exaggeration here, I would be dead. Nothing else had been able to change my mind; I honestly suspect nothing else could have changed my mind. 

I was a suicidal teenager when I first heard "The Pass," which was a condemnation of the glorification of suicidal teenagers. That song accomplished what nothing else had been able to, and I owe my continued existence to it and its writers. I still get lost in the darkness sometimes, but as the song goes, I've learned to steer by the stars. No matter how hard it can be sometimes, I’d rather walk the razor’s edge than let my depression win.

I'll pour you a dram this evening, Mr. Peart, in memory and appreciation. Thank you for my life; I’ll never forget yours.