#someday i will make a compilation of moments like these but not today | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sagamemes · 5 years ago

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critrole sentences starters — 100 quotes from 100 episodes. critrole just posted a list, so here’s about 100 lines of dialogue compiled, edited, and occasionally split into smaller pieces for roleplay purposes. topics and tone shift... wildly. and as usual, alter anything you want to make it fit your muse better. tw: murder, death, self-destructive intent.

❝ welcome to [place]. ❞

❝ is that a natural thing for you guys to just attack each other in moments of stress? ❞

❝ i’ve never travelled with a bunch of people i thought would die in front of me! ❞

❝ yeah. the world does need an asshole. ❞

❝ tell you what. i start sweating real hard, i’ll let you know, okay? ❞

❝ well, my social anxiety is getting the best of me. i’m taking a walk. goodbye. ❞

❝ i think that the bust of a tiny, curly-headed 120-year-old woman needs to slam its way into the torso of that beast. ❞

❝ what do they look like, these buttons? ❞

❝ i don’t normally speak with the dead on a first date, but we’ll think about it. ❞

❝ what if we kill all of them and come back and rob this place? ❞

❝ i’m always ready to make a damn fool of myself. ❞

❝ it’s a collection of crazy tales about this weird fella. ❞

❝ i did my best. every town i went to and every town i left, no matter how they treated me, and a lot of them treated me with deep disrespect… ❞

❝ i left every town better than i found it. ❞

❝ i mean, i don’t want to impose… but i’m bleeding profusely. ❞

❝ what happens if you have a childhood, but it’s like barely a childhood ‘cause it was supposed to be someone else’s childhood, but it was you instead? is that a childhood? ❞

❝ two shit throws in a row. it can’t get any fucking worse. ❞

❝ i am your god. long may i reign. eat my fruit. ❞

❝ code: modern literature! ❞

❝ welcome to the [group]! ❞

❝ you’re very liberal with your parenting. ❞

❝ one thing that i have realized today is that i need to work on my interpersonal skills and friendship making. ❞

❝ try not to cut up my face, okay? ❞

❝ i want to say thank you for the package you sent me. i know that it was really– ❞

❝ you are blue. ❞

❝ an example, it is. ❞

❝ i’m trying to be nice. this is as painful for me as it is for you. just give me five seconds. ❞

❝ i could check my smell bag, but i trust you right now. ❞

❝ case closed. ❞

❝ i think what his holiness is trying to convey is that he will be going on a spiritual journey, and there’s only room on that train for one dude! ❞

❝ look to purchase, [name]! just look! ❞

❝ hello [title/nickname]. this is [name]. please respond. ❞

❝ that sounds like someone whose ass i would like to kick. ❞

❝ sometimes the things that are the most beautiful are the things that can hurt you the most. ❞

❝ it’s actually /[title]/ [last name]. ❞

❝ this one time i saw a bug carrying a piece of bread that was like five times its size and he was carrying upstairs, like up and then he would turn, and then up, and then he would turn. ❞

❝ fluffernutter! ❞

❝ sleep well with your bad decisions. ❞

❝ sometimes boys like it if you are a little bit aloof, a little bit cold to them afterwards, like maybe they did something wrong, and they don’t even know what it was. ❞

❝ well, i would race to the... ‘ apricot ’ and seize it so that she can’t pick that fruit. keep it for ourselves in our fruit basket, and make off and decide if we’re going to make marmalade later or not. ❞

❝ i… wait. ❞

❝ alright, let’s treat this situation with all the seriousness it demands ❞

❝ i’m really really nice, but i don’t always make the best decisions… ❞

❝ what, you don’t want a unicorn pooping on his face? ❞

❝ yes. it’s a chair. it’s a standard chair. ❞

❝ are you in love with me? ...are you secretly in love with me? ❞

❝ i win! ❞

❝ why is just my dick purple? ❞

❝ now, [name] is number two. you are number one. you are in charge. you just… dress to impress, okay? ❞

❝ what happens when a moorbounder enters a feline beauty contest? it’s a cat-tastrophe! ❞

❝ you’re not my type. ❞

❝ i am of the empire. but i am no friend to the empire. ❞

❝ it’s still you though, right? ❞

❝ you don’t get to talk anymore. ❞

❝ it’s a regular fucking turtle. ❞

❝ don’t let the irons be your strength. ❞

❝ you pick and choose your fights. ❞

❝ best not give in to a man i can crush with one hand. ❞

❝ there’s a dick hidden somewhere in there. ❞

❝ back up a little bit. so we met at like a circus. it was a crazy night. but after a while, yada yada– ❞

❝ man, you made vulnerability look so easy. ❞

❝ well, i’ve always learned that the best way to deal with your problems is to run away from them. ❞

❝ and i know that you lost your family, but we can be your new one and we love you very much, [name], no matter what happened. okay? ❞

❝ i guess in a way i’m an orphan maker. ❞

❝ i’m sorry. i was trying to do the thing. ❞

❝ i killed my family, i’’ll throw you under a bridge. ❞

❝ i heard you. ❞

❝ i don’t mean to raise my voice. ❞

❝ this is precisely the sort of attitude i’ve been saying everyone should be having. this is what i’ve been waiting for. this is great. ❞

❝ you need me more than i need you. ❞

❝ you pooping? ❞

❝ the rule is that evil dies. ❞

❝ eventually, someday someone will pray for a miracle, pray for something to save them to whatever gods are nearby, and that prayer will be answered because you’ll show up. ❞

❝ fucking seaweed wraps are the shit! ❞

❝ oh shit, are we a cult? ❞

❝ hey everybody, don’t mean to intrude. obviously, there’s a lot going on here, but we’re going to be sort of walking around for probably the next couple days and there’s some other people wandering through that are… they’re bad business. they’re probably going to do a lot of damage, possibly a fire, who knows? but we’re trying to take care of that. ❞

❝ we’d really appreciate a helping hand and we’ll try our best to stay out of everybody’s way. ❞

❝ if there’s any birds—hey up there. ❞

❝ if you’ve seen anything, we’d love to just get in and out with as little hassle as possible. thanks, that’d be great. ❞

❝ you know, the concept of gravity was first discovered by a wizard known as iz-aak newton. ❞

❝ but i would rather you put your faith in me for something more important than my curiosity. ❞

❝ it’s better to have somebody’s word broken than to have no word at all. ❞

❝ i pick and choose my apologies. ❞

❝ we will trust you if you tell us who the members of the [name] are. ❞

❝ i could be her beacon. ❞

❝ yes, i think we have a job to finish. ❞

❝ can i get a hug? ❞

❝ it’s entirely off-putting how disarmingly charming you are. ❞

❝ i genuinely do not know how to react. take that as a compliment. ❞

❝ finish it, champion. ❞

❝ kill me. ❞

❝ i smell like a crayon. ❞

❝ many fairy tales with an old crone in the woods. ❞

❝ have you ever had a blueberry cupcake? ❞

❝ stop—shut up, [name]! god-fucking-alright. ❞

❝ ignore the fucking undead, okay! ❞

❝ nothing happens for a reason. it’s absolute fucking chaos. ❞

❝ i’m asking you to open your heart to chaos ❞

❝ you were not born with venom in your veins. ❞

❝ please. please help me ❞

❝ we’re being followed by a tiny island. ❞

#rp meme #sentence starters #sentence meme #starters #rp starters #starter meme #* meme.#* sentences.#critrole #* request.

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alpacaparkaseok · 4 years ago

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7 Secrets

OK! This is my first time EVER posting an imagine on Tumblr! So please love me and don’t hate it lol. I'm also not sure how many parts there will be to this, but you can expect probably at least three. Let me know what you like and don’t! Any ideas?

Summary: For the past three years, Beth has struggled and fought against the notion that she has a soulmate. It was only when she met six other girls who were in the same predicament that she finally decided that this was her life. The only real problem? Her soulmate has no idea that she even exists. Much less that soulmates are even a thing. Will she ever get to meet her soulmate, the ever popular and beloved Kim Namjoon of BTS? Does she even want to anymore?

GENRE: Soulmate!au BTS!

WARNINGS: none

Even now, as my feet lead me through the airport here in Seoul, I can’t quite believe that this is actually my life. Even now, three years later, the feeling of disbelief mingled with the thrill and fear of it all lingers.

To anyone here, I simply look like another tourist. Headphones in, not a care in the world except for keeping my backpack on my shoulders and taking one step at a time. I pass a group of girls loitering by the stairs, completely decked out in BTS merch. I smile at them, my action going unnoticed by my mask and hat low on my head. Am I a tourist or celebrity?

Neither. And yet, in some twisted way, both.

To my eternal horror and delight, six of my closest (and weirdest) friends await me at the baggage claim, welcome signs held up high.

All of them are from either here in South Korea or Japan, yet despite our differences we just click.

It’s something that I’m still not used to.

Their loud squeals can be heard bouncing off the walls of the airport the second I come into view, and I thank the heavens above for the mask and hat I’m wearing which shields my bright smile from the rest of the world. They would never let me hear the end of it if they knew just how excited I was to be back.

“You’re back!”

“Finally, you’ve kept us waiting long enough.”

“Wow, look at you. You look like a whole celebrity.”

“Since when did our little B grow up so much?”

I roll my eyes lovingly at them, unable to hold back as we all rush toward each other in a fit of excitement. A year was way too long.

“You’ve made it look like I’m coming back from military service or something.” I joke with my closest friends, laughing as Minsuh pokes my ribs in defense.

“It feels like it, too. You look like you’re coming out of a battle or something.”

I feign offense. “It’s called jet-lag, thank you very much. Wow, some people never change, do they?” I accept a hug from Aera, and only when I set my chin on her shoulder do I notice the two cameras trained on us.

Ah yes. That is one thing that I haven’t missed. Aera silently attaches a mic to my sweatshirt, clipping it on with a conspiratorial wink. She knows just how much I despise our ongoing documentary.

The cameramen are kind enough, shadowing us constantly in an attempt to compile enough content to someday show our soulmates. However I can’t help but feel like it’s a bit hopeless at times. I highly doubt our boys will ever watch the material, they seem busy enough. And we’re not that entertaining.

But who knows? The most famous band in the world tends to surprise me.

“Is it the balloons? It’s all the balloons, isn't’ it.” Kyung-Soon fiddles with the balloons in her hands, the mass floating above her in an attempt to block out any light from above. The sight pulls a giggle out of me, tired as I may be. I waddle over to her, one of the girls easing the backpack off of my shoulders and grunting at the weight.

I wrap her up in a hug, knowing just how much she tends to stress and over think. “The balloons look great. You know me, I just get embarrassed easily. But I love them.”

“I wonder how you would react if it was Namjoon holding the balloons instead of Soon-ah.” My head swivels to my best friend, glaring strongly. Himari only returns the look, her smirk growing. “You get embarrassed so easily, I’m just wondering what that would be like.”

The mention of my soulmate has my cheeks burning, and I offer up a silent prayer of gratitude for the mask I still have on.

The other girls take up the conversation, wondering aloud how I would react if it was my soulmate picking me up from the airport instead of his band member’s soulmates. Himari’s Japanese accent cuts clear through the rabble, making me feel right at home even as I secretly plan to embarrass her later on. Usually a well placed comment about j-hope’s latest concept photos will leave her reeling and red-faced.

The cameras edge closer, and I leap up grabbing my luggage before I can be embarrassed even more.

“Time to go!” I shout, ignoring the snickers from behind me. “Himari, since you’re so keen on helping me today would you mind bringing my backpack?”

“Yeah, got it.”

“Ha, just like you Beth. Way to avoid the conversation.” A less noticeable Japanese accent greets me, and I turn to see Ichika already by my side. I raise my eyebrows at the girl only a year my senior.

“Your Korean sounds great, Ichika!” She smiles at me, her delicate features reminding me of a flower. Ichika looked like a piece of art, which I guess made sense considering that she had a soulmate who would probably recognize that same fact immediately upon meeting her. At least, I’ve heard that Taehyung has an eye for art. Or maybe he just has an artsy personality? I can’t remember. Probably both.

“Thanks,” she replies, giving me a firm high five. “I missed you!” I breathe out a sigh of relief. It’s always been so refreshing how honest Ichika is.

“Missed ya too,” I mumble out, suddenly disoriented in the humid air as we exit the airport. By now we’ve attracted our fair share of strange looks and even a few stragglers, who follow us solely because of our small camera crew.

Once outside, Aera gently herds me in the direction of a couple of black cars. I nod to the managers the BigHit sent us as they open the car door for us and help to put our things away. I can see one eyeing the mess of balloons that Kyung-Soon still clings to, calculating how on earth to fit seven girls and seventy balloons into two small cars. (Ok, maybe not seventy, but it feels like it)

I turn to help Kyung-Soon, but find Minsuh already there. The sweet girl, only six months older than me, is always quick to help. Typically her and Aera are inseparable, but I’m glad to see that Minsuh has slowly been pushing herself to mingle with the others. It’s another thing that makes sense, seeing that Minsuh’s boy is Jungkook and Aera’s is Jimin. As far as I know, those two are pretty close as well.

Minsuh smiles shyly at me, sidling over to give me a quick hug before going back to her work. The cameraman makes sure to catch the sweet action, never one to miss a candid moment.

Was that cute enough for you? I silently ask Bang Si Hyuk. There’s no doubt that these will be reviewed and only the kindest, funniest, and cutest moments will make the cut.

Pity for Namjoon, but that means I will probably only be featured in a little bit of the documentary. Oh well, if he’s curious he can come find me himself. I’m done waiting. Or caring.

“What are you pouting about?”

Himari’s voice drags me out of my stupor, and I shrug my shoulders in response. Her happy demeanor doesn’t falter as she looks into my eyes like she can read them. There’s an underlying seriousness that few get to know, but I’ve been lucky enough to see it several times.

“Just tired,” I bump her hip with mine before we get the ok to all pile into the car. She doesn’t press the matter, but I can count on her slipping it into the conversation again once we’re alone. Once the pressing matter of the cameras watching our every mood is lessened and I feel more comfortable.

Sliding in, I collide with another body that has already taken the far seat. Both Seohyun and I burst into laughter at the sudden collision, her eyes turning into crescent moons.

“Well hello to you too,” she manages to say between giggles. Himari slides in next to me, shaking her head at the both of us. A couple of cameras in the car automatically focus on us, but I pay them no mind.

“I like your sweatshirt,” I say, gesturing to the homage to her soulmate. Sure enough, Yoongi’s new mixtape “D2” cover is printed on her shirt. Funnily enough, out of all of us, Seohyun is one of the most showy when it comes to her soulmate. Constantly buying merch, listening to his music, and gushing about him.

I know she’ll make Yoongi very happy. If she ever gets to meet him.

If any of us ever get to meet them. Or if they’re ever informed of our existence. Not for the first time today, I curse Bang Si Hyuk again in my mind.

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bobasheebaby · 5 years ago

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100 Buffy Prompts

I had a lot of fun compiling this list. I was cracking up more than once and now I want to binge Buffy. If there is a show you want let me know because these seriously help me shut of my brain during this covid hell.

1 “NAME, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it. This is never good.” – Buffy Summers

2 “I just want to be alone and quite in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don’t even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one.” – Buffy Summers

3 "They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train.” – Buffy Summers

4 “I don’t know what’s coming next. But I do know it’s gonna be just like this – hard, painful. But in the end, it’s gonna be us. If we all do our parts, believe it, we’ll be the one’s left standing.” – Buffy Summers

5 “I don’t handle rejection well. Funny, considering all the practice I’ve had, huh?” – Xander Harris

6 "Just because you’re better than us doesn’t mean you can be all superior.” – Xander Harris

7 “I’m leaning towards blind panic myself.” – Rupert Giles

8 “Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you’ll just have to pick it up yourself.” – Rupert Giles

9 "With all the rubbish people keep sticking in my head, it's a wonder that there's room for my brain." – Spike

10 "Oh, I don't know. Looking in the mirror every day and seeing nothing there...it's an overrated pleasure.” – Angel

11 "Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir. Open it's jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have?" – Angel

12 "Anyway, for real now, I'm gonna ask you something, and you gotta promise you'll be honest and not spare my feelings just 'cause I could kill you. You promise?" Faith

13 "You gotta give me something to do. There's no way I'm sleeping. Don't you need anyone dead? Or maimed? I can settle for maimed.” – Faith

14 "You know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me.”- Glorificus

15 “I’m cookie dough. I’m not done baking. I’m not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I’m gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I’m ready. I’m cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m — or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that’s fine. That’ll be then. When I’m done.” — Buffy Summers

16 “Seize the moment, ’cause tomorrow you might be dead.” — Buffy Summers

17 “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live.” — Buffy Summers

18 “No weapons. No friends. No hope. Take all that away and what’s left?” “Me.” — Angelus & Buffy Summers

19 “Don’t you have an elsewhere to be?” – Cordelia Chase

20 “God! What is your childhood trauma?!” – Cordelia Chase

21 “Gee, can you vague that up for me?” – Buffy Summers

22 “I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.” – Xander Harris

23 “I don’t know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of this moment I officially don’t care.” – Xander Harris

24 “You’re really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren’t you?” – Cordelia Chase

25 “I mock you with my monkey pants!” – Oz

26 “Funny how preparing looks an awful lot like sitting on your ass.” – Spike

27 “That’s fairly freaksome.” – Oz

28 “Do you have any tact at all?” – Giles

29 “I’ve known you for two minutes and I can’t stand you.” – Spike

30 “Great. Now I’m gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day.” – Cordelia Chase

31 “You didn’t happen to take a lot of drugs, did you?” – Willow

32 “I’ve seen honest faces…they usually come attached to liars.” – Willow

33 “Can I be blind, too?” – Xander

34 “Gee, I hope I’m not interrupting anything really depressing.” – Riley

35 “And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that’s what you wanted to hear.” – Anya

36 “This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.” – Spike

37 “We’ve got to face it, we’ve changed. Well, not you—you’re still sadistic and self-centered.” – Giles

38 “Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is ask for help when you need it.” – Giles

39 “Did everybody have their Crazy Flakes today?” – Xander

40 “Do you love me?” “What?” “Do you?” “I love you. I don't know if I trust you.” “Maybe you shouldn't do either.” “Maybe I'm the one who should decide!” — Angel & Buffy

41 “Six a.m.!" NAME cried. "I know that's a number on my clock, but I've never actually been awake to personally witness it!” — Xander

42 “Bored now.” — Vampire Willow

43 “We’ll go be heroes.” — Spike

44 “You have a plan?” “I am the plan.” — Giles & Buffy

45 "Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together." — Buffy

46 "I make it through this and the next thing and the next thing, and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready." — Buffy

47 "You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. NAME, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live, for me." — Buffy

48 "Make your choices. Are you ready to be strong?" — Buffy

49 “Weird love’s better than no love.” — Buffy

50 “The who having wha with huh?” — Buffy

51 “Whatever you choose, you’ve got my support. Just think of me as… as your… You know, I’m searching for supportive things and I’m coming up all bras. So, something slightly more manly, think of me as that.” – Xander

52 "A lot of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful." Angel

53 "To forgive is an act of compassion, NAME. It's-it's... it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it." — Giles

54 "In the end, we all are who we are, no matter how much we may appear to have changed." — Giles

55 "I don't have time for vendettas. The mission is what matters." — Buffy

56 "I don't want to protect you from the world. I want to show it to you." — Buffy

57 "Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?" — Buffy

58 "Recognizing power in another does not diminish your own." — Joss Whedon

59 “Out. For. A. Walk… Bitch.” — Spike

60 “You can’t see the stars, love. That’s the ceiling. Also, it’s day.” — Spike

61 “Is everyone here very stoned?” — Spike

62 “I feel safe with you.” [Chokes] “TAKE THAT BACK!” — Dawn & Spike

63 “I love you.” “Oh, my god.” “Hey, no. Look at me. I... love you. You're all I bloody think about... dream about. You're in my gut... my throat... I'm drowning in you, NAME. I'm drowning in you.” — Spike & Buffy

64 “Just... give me something. A crumb, the barest smidgen. Tell me maybe, someday there's a chance” “NAME ... the only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.” “Oh, wha-“ [screams, then shouts] “What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody men/women? What the hell does it take? Why do you bitches torture me?” “Which question do you want me to answer first?” — Spike & Buffy

65 “You can't deny it. There's something between us.” “Loathing. Disgust.” — Spike & Buffy

66 “Could do without the laugh track, NAME.” “But it's so funny. I knew... before you did. I knew you loved the NAME. The pixies in my head whispered it to me.” — Spike & Drusilla

67 “Damn right I’m impure! I’m as impure as the driven yellow snow.” — Spike

68 “I love you.” “No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it.” — Spike & Buffy

69 “This with you, it’s wrong. I know it. I’m not a complete idiot.” — Spike

70 “You always hurt the ones you love, pet.” — Spike

71 "When I say ‘I love you,’ it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are." — Buffy

72 "I’m just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain." — Buffy

73 "I have feelings for you. I do. But it's not love. I could never trust you enough for it to be love." — Buffy

74 "Weird love's better than no love." — Buffy

75 “People don’t fall in love with what’s right in front of them. People want the dream — what they can’t have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.” — Buffy

76 "Trust is for old marrieds, NAME. Great love is wild and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes." “Until there's nothing left. Love like that doesn't last." — Spike & Buffy

77 "This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you...you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after" — Angel

78 "I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop" — Angel

79 "If I may suggest, ‘This time it's personal.’ I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic." —Oz

80 "Well, to the casual observer, it would appear that you're trying to make your friend NAME jealous, or even the score, or something. And...that's on the empty side. See, in my fantasy, when I'm kissing you, you're kissing me. It's okay, I can wait." — Oz

81 "NAME’s our friend...except I don't like him/her.” — Xander

82 "What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex ... Help! Four times five is thirty ... five times six is thirty-two ... Naked girls. Naked women ... Naked NAME ... Oh, stop me!" — Xander

83 "Man, NAME! My whole life just flashed before my eyes. I gotta' get me a life!" — Xander

84 “NAME. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?” “As defending champion, you nervous?” — Cordelia & Buffy

85 "Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass." — Cordelia

86 “Oh please. Like shame is something to be proud of.” — Cordelia

87 “I’m going to give you some advice: get over it.” — Cordelia

88 “Oh, and you’re welcome.” — Cordelia

89 “I’m not a sniveling little cry-NAME. I’m the nastiest guy/girl in PLACE history. I take crap from no one.” — Cordelia

90 “I think it. I say it. It’s my way.” — Cordelia

91 "I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you - for crawling across your face in the middle of the night." — Willow

92 "I don't want danger. Big 'no’ to danger.” — Willow

93 "Let's get this straight. I don't understand it. I don't wanna' understand it. You have gross emotional problems. And things are not okay between us." — Willow

94 "NAME, I got so lost." "I found you. I will always find you." — Tara & Willow

95 "But you like him/her, and when you think about him/her, you get that good down-low tickle, right?" — Faith

96 "You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient." — Faith

97 "Just relax ... and take off your pants." — Faith

98 "I am, you know." “What?" “Yours." — Tara & Willow

99 "I don't have time for bondage fun." - Buffy

100 “It's fine, I don't need to be snuggled.” — Willow

#buffy prompts #buffy quotes #btvs #writing prompts #dialogue prompts #drabble prompts #buffy summers #angel #cordelia chase #rupert giles #xander harris #willow rosenberg #faith #spike #quaratine sucks and making these keeps my mind busy #i live in covid 19 hell

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wujipianover · 5 years ago

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as long as you need it

written for @mdzsnet ‘s 1 year celebration of cql

day 1: favourite character: Wei Wuxian

summary: Again, the word home comes back into his mind. Such a sense of permanence, of settling, the word brings to him. Lotus Pier was a home, Burial Mounds was a home. But they all had the air of something temporary to them. He was a guest at the home. He never really belonged fully. Here, in the jingshi, where just a table way lies scrolls of paper with his messy writing, this feels like belonging. He has put down roots in the Cloud Recesses. Wei Wuxian of a lifetime away would laugh at the thought but he now, he here, has a home.

alternatively titled- a day in the life of wei wuxian

tags: established relationship, post-canon, cooking as healing

read on ao3!

Wei Wuxian wakes up to lips being pressed gently to his own. He’s warm, wrapped up in a cocoon of blankets finer than anything he is used to. But he’s used to this. It sends a thrill up his spine, just letting the fact that this is his life, that he has gotten used to this germinate in his mind. He purrs, cat-like. Wei Wuxian is woken up like this everyday. Sometimes the lips are on his eyelids, on his cheeks, on his chin, on his temple. But he likes it best when he is awoken with a kiss on his lips like today. He lies there like that, feeling warmer than he should in the chilly Gusu winters. His husband, his husband’s face is only a breath away when he opens his face. Lan Wangji is smiling at him. Somewhere he started smiling at Wei Wuxian and has not stopped. Wei Wuxian doesn’t want him to stop, ever.

“Good morning Lan Zhan,” he murmurs. He’s quieter in the mornings. Lan Wangji presses another kiss to his mouth and then busies himself with setting the table for breakfast.

The first time Lan Wangji had kissed him in the morning, he had made a face and had said that his breath was too stinky. Lan Wangji had come close to laughing then. But he had firmly kissed him, lips parting barely enough to have his tongue slip past into Wei Wuxian’s mouth. It had lasted for only ten seconds but it had left him breathing heavily. He hasn’t said anything about morning kisses after that. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth and all that.

Wei Wuxian stretches, joints creaking deliciously. His limbs feel heavy, like dipped in sugar syrup. He’s sore from last night and if he presses his hips with his fingers, there will be the remnant of pain from where Lan Wangji’s hands left bruises. He feels sacred.

His eyes follow Lan Wangji as he pours tea in two cups. He’s seated at his usual place with a spot empty next to him, waiting for Wei Wuxian. He lingers in the bed for a few more moments not ready to leave the warmth of it and his eyes settle on Lan Wangji. Like they always do, like they always did even a lifetime ago. He looks at him while Lan Wangji very carefully serves congee onto two bowls. Wei Wuxian knows Lan Wangji spent half an hour in the kitchen making it for him. And it is such a privilege to be on the receiving end of this affection. He has been eating breakfast made by his beloved for six months now. The privilege has not faded, just settled in his bones.

Finally, he gets off the bed to join his husband at the table. Lan Wangji wordlessly dumps chilli oil in his congee. Wei Wuxian doesn’t really need the spice in the morning but he likes this so much. Likes that Lan Wangji anticipates his needs before him and provides everything to him like the opposite is not even in question.

“Thank you,” he says and Lan Wangji smiles wider.

In return he peels a clementine and puts it in front of Lan Wangji. This little dance, they do this everyday; Have been doing since before they got married, right after the downfall of Jin Guangyao when they were still hesitant around each other, bursting with longing unable to contain it, but unable to express it. The tradition continued on after they got married. It is so simple, Wei Wuxian suspects a lot of married couples do this, but the fact that he, Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Laozu gets to have it, is still surprising. So he cherishes it.

Someday he doesn’t think twice about the sight of Lan Wangji eating breakfast, without the head piece, soft around the edges. And that is such an honour in itself. To have all of this and not let the thoughts stick to your brain. But some days, like today, he wakes up feeling special. The jingshi is quiet, only the clicking of their chopsticks audible. It is a silence that is akin to warmth that blankets you, not suffocating but tucking you and lulling you to sleep. It’s his home, the jingshi. The sandalwood smell that he so strongly associated with Lan Wangji, comes from his black and red robes too. It’s the smell of the incense that they use at home.

Again, the word home comes back into his mind. Such a sense of permanence, of settling, the word brings to him. Lotus Pier was a home, Burial Mounds was a home. But they all had the air of something temporary to them. He was a guest at the home. He never really belonged fully. Here, in the jingshi, where just a table way lies scrolls of paper with his messy writing, this feels like belonging. He has put down roots in the Cloud Recesses. Wei Wuxian of a lifetime away would laugh at the thought but he now, he here, has a home.

They finish breakfast and Wei Wuxian gets up to clear the table. Lan Wangji begins getting ready for the day, putting on the headpiece, putting on even more outer robes, transforming into the Hanguang-jun. Wei Wuxian rattles on about the book he’s writing. Being quiet for too long will only worry his Lan Zhan. And he is actually eager to start working on the new chapter. Talking about everything he has in his mind helps to piece together things better. Lan Wangji is also a very attentive listener and answers all of Wei Wuxian’s questions with his very smart suggestions. Lan Wangji is ready and Wei Wuxian steps to smooth his crinkle-free robes.

And like everyday, Wei Wuxian kisses him in front of the door of the jingshi before he steps out into the world to become the Chief Cultivator.

“Don’t let the fools bore you to death, okay.” Wei Wuxian says petulantly breaking a sect rule. Only one for a morning, that’s impressive. He’s getting boring. “Or I will have to remind all the old farts that the Chief Cultivator is married to the Yilling Laozu. And even though he has become a bit of an academic, he’s still very scary.”

Lan Wangji dilutes all of his speech by giving a flick to his nose. Wei Wuxian gasps, “You-”

“Yes, me.” Lan Wangji is smug now. “Have a good day, Wei Ying. I will see you tonight,”

And Wei Wuxian presses him to the door and kisses him some more because how dare Lan Wangji make him feel so flustered. He should taste some of his own medicine. He ends up feeling more breathless than when he started. It’s a good morning.

His stomach grumbling finally forces him to tear away from the piles of books and messy scrolls. It’s almost noon, he can discern from the way he is hungry now. It’s almost embarrassing how quickly his body adapted to the schedule of GusuLan. It seemed like he was always running previously. Finally at the barest hint of a schedule, his body settled into it. There’s no running now (not permitted in the Cloud Recesses), just very fast walking that makes Lan Qiren’s blood boil.

He gives a cursory glance at all he’s managed to do this morning. He has been distracted today, but the work in front of him looks good. He’s working on a book to compile everything he knows about demonic cultivation into a handy little educational manual. Wei Wuxian had suggested the idea of the book to Lan Wangji over dinner one day. It could barely be called an idea then. All he wanted to do was make sure no one repeated his mistakes. And make cultivation more open-minded, more accessible to those with no golden cores. Talismans and resentful energy, he had reasoned were not just for those on a heretic path, they helped cultivators forced to sheath their spiritual energy too.

The next day he was given access to all of the library at Cloud Recesses, including the Forbidden Section along with a quiet corner to work. Lan Qiren had tried to protest vehemently but Lan Wangji had cited a rule promoting the growth of the mind and furthering education, not very innocently. That had shut up Lan Qiren. Lan Wangji had turned to face Wei Wuxian, so satisfied with himself that Wei Wuxian had to clench his fists so as to not drag him to the jingshi right then.

It’s absurd that he’s in the library all by himself voluntarily. Long ago, a very annoyed Lan Wangji had to supervise him as he begrudgingly poured over books. Now on occasions A-Yuan has to bodily drag Wei Wuxian away from the texts to lunch.

Nobody quite believes that the Yiling Laozu spends a majority of time reading and writing. His name strikes fear and demands respect, it doesn’t make you think of a man sitting on a table checking talismans over and over. Even though that’s what he did at Burial Mounds too. His Demon-Slaughtering Cave was littered with texts full of experiments. It’s a little funny.

Now, he has a clean library and a very eager A-Yuan dragging him to lunch not strictly consisting of turnips. He has access to all the books he wants and more paper than he could ever fill with ink. He likes experimenting, it gives his brain a very simple satisfaction to piece characters together to make something new. But he also likes feeling useful. Knowing that his work could help a struggling kid is all the motivation he needs to trudge through the difficult parts of writing a book on a cultivation path that was unknown and feared years ago.

So he works through the rumble of his stomach until A-Yuan comes in with Lan Jingyi to drag him to the Dining Hall.

They pass a class where Lan Wangji is teaching. Wei Wuxian very animatedly blows a kiss to him. It’s telling how normal this is because none of the students pause and look behind at him when Lan Wangji pauses midway to stare at him.

Jiang Cheng in the Cloud Recesses kitchen is a sight. Wei Wuxian leans on the wall near the fire and watches his brother unpack all the spices he has brought from Yunmeng. It’s very funny how Jiang heng manages to look angry doing that. Their relationship still feels fragile so Wei Wuxian swallows down the laugh threatening to burst. He’s not very successful because Jiang Cheng glowers at him, “What are you laughing about?”

We Wuxian covers his laugh with a cough. “Aah nothing nothing.” He looks at the various spices laid out along with lotus pods. His chest suddenly feels very tight. “Thank you,” he says in a soft voice.

Jiang Cheng visibly softens at that. “What are you thanking me for.” He tries to sound angry but there is no bite to his words. “This lotus pod is not a snack for you. It’s for the soup.”

Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng had not talked after the Guanyin Temple. He had been invited to Wei Wuxian’s wedding through a scroll as a sect leader. He was too scared to assume, didn’t want to impose any brotherly duties to him for the wedding.

Jiang Cheng had arrived in the Cloud Recesses three days later, screaming, “So you think you’re too good for Lotus Pier now. You like the Lan clan so much that you’re just going to forget you’re from the Jiang clan huh. You’re gonna forget your brother too.”

Wei Wuxian had come running out. Jiang Cheng was angry but he also looked hurt. Wei Wuxian could not stop smiling. He hadn’t felt this light even when Lan Zhan had asked him to marry him. He had hugged him and despite all the grumbling Jiang Cheng had hugged him back. If Jiang Cheng wanted to dive headfirst into mending their relationship almost violently, Wei Wuxian would simply follow his lead. There were too many things unspoken between them, too many secrets buried under love and pain. It would be a big job to hold all these secrets now laid bare open. It was a job he was more than willing to take on. He had spent too long feeling like a limb was missing, being reunited with Jiang Cheng was almost enough to cover the pain that Jiang Yanli’s gaping absence left.

Since that day, Wei Wuxian has visited Lotus Pier once every month. It didn’t feel like a home, that was Cloud Recesses, but it did feel like a childhood home. He was so proud of all that Jiang Cheng had achieved, only felt the smallest sadness and guilt that he wasn't there with him for everything. He stayed at his old bedroom there, touched to find that Jiang Cheng had still kept it for him. All his things were in place. Despite all the show of scorn and hatred, Jiang Cheng had believed that Wei Wuxian had been alive, prayed for that. Wei Wuxian doesn’t always burst into tears when he remembers that. But he does sometimes.

And Jiang Cheng visits him at Cloud Recesses every month too. They quickly discovered that Jin Ling liked to accompany Jiang Cheng to Cloud Recesses to shirk off his responsibilities as the sect leader and they were not immune to his silent pleas. So Jiang Cheng in his purple robes is a monthly visitor disrupting the quiet. Wei Wuxian likes it so much. They break enough rules that Lan Qiren stays in his room the entirety of Jiang Cheng’s stay.

They are currently in the kitchen to try to recreate Jiang Yanli’s recipes. It’s another one of their rituals. It hurts too much to think about her. So they do this instead. Add more and more chilli powder, burn spices and try to cut the vegetables in a way that matches hers. It’s also for Jin Ling’s sake. The boy has so many responsibilities on his shoulder already. He deserves to be doted over sometimes. And Wei Wuxian will not rest until he admits that he’s his favourite uncle.

“You’re going to set the spices on fire again!” Jiang Cheng says.

Wei Wuxian sticks his tongue out but lowers the heat. Setting the Lotus Pier kitchen on fire is okay, almost like a distant memory. But he can’t burn down Cloud Recesses. It’ll be too painful.

“Remember when…” Wei Wuxian starts but stops suddenly.

Maybe Jiang Cheng takes pity on him but by some miracle he continues, “When A-jie made this for you the first time? I am sorry about the dogs.” He sounds sheepish. “But Princess was a little thing, she would have not hurt you,” he adds indignantly.

“Aiya I have said sorry about the dogs too many times now. I thought I was the one with the bad memory.”

Jiang Cheng elbows his side and they squabble over the right way to cut the vegetables once again. It’s not the same as healing but it is close. Wei Wuxian takes everything he can get and treasures these moments dearly. He knows that he's not going anywhere. This is his life now. But the more animal part of the brain grasps at everything good and clutches tightly lest this shatters like broken glass.

“Hey! Are you listening to me or not? WEI WUXIAN.”

“Jiang Cheng, screaming is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses.”

“Oh so now you’re a model student. Who knew it would take marrying into the sect to turn you into a somewhat human. Wait, we all knew, with how you used to stare at Lan Wangji all day.”

“Jiang Cheng I’m your shidi, have some respect.”

They dissolve into their usual teasing and it’s so good. The smell from the pot is not the same as Jiang Yanli’s but it’s close. They’re getting close.

He’s supposed to be taking sword training sessions for the baby Lans that have yet to develop their golden cores. But Jiang Cheng and he talked until it was dark and then Jiang Cheng had left for his inn at Caiyi. He refuses to stay at Cloud Recesses- “This place gives me the creeps.” he always says.

Giving sword and archery lessons was not intentional. He used to train with a wooden sword at the same time as the training lessons for the juniors. He could not resist going over to them to try and get some giggles out of the little ones. Children should be laughing and playing. No one stopped him. So he started dropping by their lessons more and more often to not only get them to break their Lan composure but also to add to their lessons.

One day he realized he had actually taken over the poor disciple’s job. They were reluctant to say anything to him and he made their life easier. He was good at teaching, to the smug satisfaction of Lan Wangji and the horror of Lan Qiren. Fighting with Lan Wangji had made him acquainted with the style of the Lan and he added the flair of the Jiang clan while teaching. There were no inherent faults with his teaching methods though they were unconventional. There was technically no rule breaking involved. They made the juniors laugh but also try harder.

Sometimes while training he sees Lan Wangji in the periphery and knows that he’s smiling. Lan Wangji didn’t have the best childhood. There’s no disapproving glare sent a child’s way when they laugh too loudly or joke. Lan Jingyi is a great example of that. There’s encouraging smiles and gentle nods. The children deserve to be treated like children. They deserve to have a carefree upbringing. So Wei Wuxian tries harder to make them laugh and no one stops him.

He misses his students as he makes his way to the jingshi. Mornings make him glow but nights are his favourite.

The jingshi is a warm respite from the cold outside. A disciple has burned a few candles for light and warmth. He starts clearing up the mess on the tables, his mess mostly when A-Yuan slides open the door and enters arms full of dinner.

“A-Yuan!” He still blushes at the name. He’s told him to not call him that with other people present but Wei Wuxian is allowed to say his name in the privacy of the jingshi.

“Wei-qianbei, I have dinner!”

“Thank you! How was meeting Jin Ling today? Is he still grouchy from the last meeting?”

A-Yuan clucks and then blushes profusely, hiding his face while serving the dinner onto three plates. “He’s fine. Better now that you and Sect Leader Jiang are not annoying him. His words, not mine.”

Wei Wuxian laughs. He was never truly A-Yuan’s father at Burial Mounds. Grandma spent the most time with him. He liked to consider him his father but there was a lot of naivety in his thoughts then. Lan Wangji truly is A-Yuan’s father. Right from his posture to the soft way he smiles, he is all of Lan Wangji’s good qualities and more. Friendlier. Lan Xichen has a hand in that, he supposes. But he desperately wants to be his father. He technically is, but there is a lot to that title that he has yet to learn. He didn’t have all the firsts with him, so he tries to make up for lost time now. He wasn’t there for the forehead ribbon ceremony or for his first night hunt but he wants to be here for all that is yet to come. He wishes that it’ll be enough.

The door slides open again and Lan Wangji enters. His face is weary, the meetings must have run long. He has half a mind to send extremely long letters threatening the sect leaders to stop troubling Hanguang-jun.

“Welcome home Lan Zhan!” he says instead adding a brilliant smile.

It must be otherworldly magic because the tiredness slips away from Lan Wangji’s face and is replaced with a smile. Lan Wangji loves hearing Wei Wuxian call the jingshi home. There is a fear that he’ll turn into his father in the name of love so Wei Wuxian greets him like this everyday. Small reminder that this is Wei Wuxian’s home too and he’s not going anywhere.

“Hello Wei Ying, A-Yuan,” he says in the sweetest voice. Wei Wuxian will never tire of it. He goes straight to shed off an outer robe and remove his head piece, becoming Lan Zhan again. A-Yuan talks about his day now that Lan Wangji is here too. He is trying to fit as much story into words as possible before they start eating and he has to be quiet. It’s very amusing to watch.

Lan Wangji settles at the table. “I’m so glad you had fun.” A-Yuan beams. Fun, he’s so glad fun was encouraged for him. Lan Wangji would never let A-Yuan feel as lonely as he did. Wei Wuxian’s glad he’s here with Lan Wangji now.

“How was your day Wei Ying,” he asks sincerely. Because he does everything sincerely.

They start eating and because he has no qualms about talking while eating, he narrates his day. It’s disgustingly domestic. Wei Wuxian adores it. A-Yuan sitting between them, listening intently, his face mirroring Lan Wangji’s. It’s a scene he once imagined at an inn in Yiling once. And now he gets to have it. Everyday. There aren't enough gods to thank for this fortune.

The dinner is done and then A-Yuan is hurrying off. He’s a teenager, embarrassed by his fathers’ presence. Can’t blame him.

And then Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are alone in the jingshi again.

Wei Wuxian scoots closer to Lan Wangji, puts his arms across his neck and gathers him closer to his chest. Lan Wangji goes willingly. “I missed you,” he says. And Lan Wangji, because he’s the nicest person in the world doesn’t say something like ‘You just saw me in the morning.’

He replies, “I missed you too.” and means it. Drops a kiss to Wei Wuxian’s neck, “Let’s go to bed.”

Wei Wuxian hums contentedly. If mornings are tranquil, nights are charged. Maybe that’s why they are his favourites.

Lan Wangji carries him to bed in his arms because he is the best person. Sheds his outer robes while Wei Wuxian mutters, “Lan Zhan, did you have a good day today? You look tired but also really hot. Is anyone troubling you. I’ll beat them up for you you know. Don’t need Chenqing to beat people up. I have very strong arms, not as strong as Hanguang-jun’s though.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. Lan Wangji changes into his sleeping robes. Wei Wuxian’s eyes remain trained on Lan Wangji’s body.

Finally, finally, Lan Wangji comes to lie on top of him. “I really don’t want to talk about those fools now, Wei Ying.” His voice is so low.

Wei Wuxian kisses him. Lan Wangji kisses him back and they dissolve into each other.

Wei Wuxian lies curled around Lan Wangji, an arm thrown over his chest, legs entangled, head resting on the rising chest of his husband while Lan Wangji clings to him too. He kisses his forehead where the ribbon usually lies and settles comfortably. It seems like affection is seeping out of him. He never knew what safe meant till he found himself in Lan Wangji’s arms.Today was a good day. He can’t wait for tomorrow, to see Lan Wangji again. It’ll not be very different from today. Maybe he’ll work with the dizi tomorrow instead of talismans and practice archery with the students tomorrow instead of sword.

He had deluded himself into thinking that a life travelling is the one he craves because he never wanted to face his true desire. A home, surrounded by his loved ones. Maybe he will travel one day, when Lan Wangji is free of his responsibilities. Even then he will have a home in his husband. For now, this routine is what he wants. He falls asleep in the arms of his love.

#mdzsnet #mdzs #the untamed #wangxian #jiang cheng #wei wuxian #lan wangji #lan sizhui #cql #my fic #mo dao zu shi

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saltlamp · 5 years ago

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i was tagged by @florenepugh and @wintersoeldiers (thank you ashlyn and arya 🥰 sorry this is a couple days late) to answer the following 73 questions!

my answers are under the cut !!

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? honestly about a 5, i’m working on taking better care of myself and doing all my assignments but there’s nothing good going on

describe yourself in a hashtag? #burntout

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? nobody

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? one day at a time

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? i’ve never dyed my hair

what’s your wake up ritual? i snooze my alarm until i feel mentally awake, then wash my face and brush my teeth and drink some water, get dressed and make some coffee if i feel like i need it, then get started on whatever i have to do for the day

what’s your go to bed ritual? i wash my face and brush my teeth, then if i really need to sleep i’ll take a melatonin and put lavender into my diffuser

what’s your favorite time of day? midnight

your go to for having a good laugh? john mulaney netflix specials or [fictional characters as] vine compilations

dream country to visit? anywhere in europe, but i really want to go back to peru someday

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? i’m getting a car when i leave for college!!! a new one!!! i still can’t believe it

heels or flats/sneakers? mostly sneakers but sometimes heels make me feel badass. i’m the tallest girl in the room most of the time, so what’s a few more inches?

vintage or new? both

who do you want to write your obituary? leigh bardugo would make me seem a lot cooler than i really am and write my trauma in a beautifully sad way so... i’d love that.

style icon? ashley from bestdressed on youtube!! (wait ashlyn SAME i’ve been subscribed to her for like three years and my style evolves with hers)

what are three things you cannot live without? my journal, my water bottle, and my airpods

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? ...salt? i don’t cook often

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? i can’t cook so gordon ramsey, guy fieri, and my mom. their reactions would be hilarious in different ways

what’s your biggest fear in life? abandonment but i should just learn to expect it at this point !!

window or aisle seat? window

what’s your current tv obsession? i’m between shows at the moment so i’m rewatching she ra

favorite app? minimaList is an app i’ve used since early high school, it’s a to-do list that has a built in pomodoro timer and it’s the best thing in the world.

secret talent? not sleeping for days! that’s a joke i really should work on that... i can also move my ring finger on my right hand in a way that’s hard to describe unless you see it in person.

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? i’ve hiked all sorts of ~dangerous~ places

how would you define yourself in three words? pensive, quiet, loyal

favorite piece of clothing you own? my mom’s high school track hoodie fits me perfectly and i wear it all the time. i’m wearing it now

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a denim jacket or white sneakers

a superpower you would want? weirdly specific but i’d want to read personalities, like myers-briggs types or enneagram, upon meeting a person.

what’s inspiring you in life right now? due dates

best piece of advice you’ve received? make one good friend and everything else will fall into place

best advice you’d give your teenage self? they’re too occupied with themselves to be thinking about you

a book everyone should read? the harry potter series

what would you like to be remembered for? kindness/loyalty

how do you define beauty? outer beauty is somewhat subjective but confidence and intelligence are two universal marks of beauty for me

what do you love most about your body? i really like my legs!

best way to take a rest/decompress? do something familiar, like journaling or taking a shower or washing dishes

favorite place to view art? museums are some of my favorite places on the planet

if your life was a song, what would the title be? no idea. oh wait, that could actually be one

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? i used to play the piano as a kid and i was seen as some kind of prodigy because of my good ear but now i can barely play it, so i’d want to get back into that

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? behind my ear

dolphins or koalas? koalas

what’s your spirit animal? a cat, 100%

best gift you’ve ever received? this is stupid but my brother got me a talking kylo ren thingy for christmas in 2015, not knowing he was further fueling my future obsession with ben solo. to this day it’s one of my favorite useless possessions

best gift you’ve given? honestly anything i give my littlest brother because every time i give him a gift he acts like it’s the best thing he’s ever seen (he’s 11)

what’s your favorite board game? CLUE!!!

what’s your favorite color? lilac, periwinkle, or red

least favorite color? orange

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore makeup

blow-dry or air-dry? air-dry

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? i go through phases, so both!

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? milk. just, think about it. milk. what the heck is that. read it some more. milk. milk. milk.

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? dark

stairs or elevators? stairs

summer or winter? winter!!!

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? chipotle burrito bowl

a dessert you don’t like? creme brulee

a skill you’re working on mastering? i’m working on getting better at drawing

best thing to happen to you today? i got to facetime my grandparents just a few minutes ago! i was so relieved to hear they’re doing well and nobody has covid in their nursing home :)

worst thing to happen to you today? i can’t move because of period cramps :)))))))))))

best compliment you’ve ever received? the most common compliment i get (and honestly my favorite) is that i’m a calming person to be around and very trustworthy

favorite smell? lavender, dirt (especially after rain), espresso grounds

hugs or kisses? hugs hugs hugs

if you made a documentary, would it be about? personality types, or maybe differences between modern cultures, or maybe medieval castles

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? i recently watched an adam driver interview from 2017 and since i’m on my period and it’s sad ben solo hours, i cried

lipstick or lipgloss? lipgloss

sweet or savory? both

girl crush? zendaya and florence pugh

how do you know you’re in love? i’ve never been in romantic love before, but i can tell i love someone when i feel comfortable enough around them to be myself and talk about my problems

a song you can listen to on repeat? there’s one piece of classical music that i could listen to FOREVER and it WILL be playing at my funeral: albinoni’s adagio in G minor (with organ along with the other strings tho)

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? i wouldn’t switch lives with anyone but if i could be something else for a day i’d be a voice actor or maybe a hermit living in the middle of nowhere centuries ago

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? graduating high school and starting university! i’m more nervously excited but still...

tagging: @omensgood @acrookedsaint @afterglowacoustic @sunstarkov if you guys want!

#tagged #about me #long post #thank you!!!

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ghost-chance · 5 years ago

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In honor of Neil Elwood Peart, 9/12/1952 - 1/7/2020

The reports are not a hoax. Neil Peart has died...brain cancer. The music world won't be the same without him. More than that, I owe this man my life...literally, as in, if not for him, I would be dead. In his memory, I’ve decided to share this story.

This story is personal and it’shard to tell, but it’s entirely true. Back when I was an angsty teen dealing with angsty teen problems (and, tbh, a lot of problems most people are lucky to not face until adulthood) Rush’s music was the soundtrack I lived my life to. (Yes, I’m somewhat dating myself here.) As silly as it sounds as an adult, I practically idolized Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, and Neil Peart; I lived my life in accordance to the lessons in their music and their stories and looked up to them as role models of a sort. I exercised to Marathon and By-Tor and the Snow Dog. I read to Rivendell and Tom Sawyer. I powered through homework with YYZ and The Gangster of Boats trilogy, and brooded about bullies to Subdivisions and Scars. At a time in my life when just existing was painful, Rush’s complex, thought-provoking, and sometimes amusing music proved to me that the people in my world weren’t all shallow, cruel, and dull. Teenagers, after all, tend to get stuck in their own little world and forget that life exists beyond that which they experience day-by-day.

A death in the family and a sudden and traumatizing spilled secret was the last straw - the depression I was fighting was only getting worse without support, and every day, certain classmates encouraged me to just end it. Most were malicious - “Everyone hates you, just die already,” was a common one which unfortunately is still spoken generations later. Other culprits were friends just tired of seeing me hurting; they thought a ‘failed’ suicide attempt would make a difference. “Maybe if you got hurt, the bullies would back off,” they suggested. “Maybe you have to take drastic measures before someone will help you!”

Me? I was just tired...I was tired of hurting, of being afraid, and breaking down only to be told that my feelings weren’t valid and I was ‘embarrassing my family.’ Support or lack of it really can make or break a person when they’re falling apart. Now, it makes me cringe to admit that I was ready to give up before I had a chance to really begin; at the time, it felt like the only option. Age certainly brings things into perspective.

One night, at my absolute limit, I was compiling goodbye notes to my friends and simultaneously forming a list of pros and cons for various methods while listening to a ‘new’ borrowed Rush album. I didn’t care whether or not I survived to see if there were improvements in the bullying; I was tired of trying. I was searching my calendar for days to try and searching my health textbook for advice on how to achieve a painless death. That night was the turning point, and that album was Presto.

Even after how many years have passed, I still remember the first time I heard those distinct, somber, skin-tingling bass notes at the beginning of the song. Even after all these years, I remember hearing the first lines and feeling as if they were written just for me, or rather, for someone just like me. Someone understood...someone else knew what I was going through and they were talking about it! I paused in my planning, turned up the volume, and listened...and I thought...and my stomach fell down to my feet when I realized what I was hearing.

“No hero in your tragedy. No daring in your escape. No salute for your surrender, nothing noble in your fate.

Christ! What have you done?!”

“What have you done?!” Not please don’t. Not don’t be ridiculous, you don’t even know hurt yet. Not if that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes. This was a punch in the gut and a horrified demand for answers all in one. It wasn’t a hug, it was a bitch-slap and a demand for answers. Suddenly, and finally, it hit me all at once that what I was planning was permanent and would have repercussions far beyond my tiny world. I suddenly connected how I felt about my grandfather’s suicide with how he might feel about mine if the roles were reversed. I felt sick. What had I almost done?!

It was, as sickening as it sounds, the first time I’d heard someone outright condemn suicide as an option. Times were different then, and most people reacted to discussion of depression and suicide by going silent then awkwardly changing the subject. Those who didn’t ‘change the channel’ begged and pleaded instead. “Please hold on a little longer - just a little longer! It’ll get better, just wait and see!” It never got better, so I eventually stopped listening. Some people, like a certain male relative who-shall-not-be-named, considered suicide to be ‘a matter of choice,’ and ‘not anything to judge as right or wrong.’ His reaction to my grandfather’s suicide was “He lived his life the way he chose; this was his choice, we had nothing to do with it.” This particular relative never tried to dissuade me or offer support when I needed it most. He never once asked “What would your parents think?” He never asked “How do you know things won’t get better if you keep trying?” Instead, he rolled his eyes and walked away, saying “I don’t have time for this shit.” Yes, he’s always been a wonderful role model. We don’t really talk anymore.

I’m not going to say everything changed over night because of a song. I’m not saying no one was ever around to support me, or that no one ever tried to talk me into holding on just a little longer every time I felt like I couldn’t hold on for another second. I won’t say I never stumbled again, or that I never had second thoughts. The Pass didn’t ‘fix’ my depression, nor did it ‘fix’ me - it was, however, the turning point and the slap-in-the-face I needed. The people who wrote the music I lived by condemned suicide, and knowing that, I felt horrified that I ever considered it an option. Again, teenager logic can be a little weird to say the least.

It took time for me to really get my depression under control. Lifestyle changes, counseling, medication, meditation, new friends, and support from my family were some of the most effective methods I found. Every time I felt ready to give up, I played music that reminded me to keep trying. The Pass reminded me giving up is not an option - Emotion Detector reminded me that people can be assholes but it’s worth it to be myself despite the assholes in life - Mission reminded me that what I was dealing with was, in a roundabout way, helping me grow - when I felt like giving up - Bravado encouraged me that everything would work out in the end - The Enemy Within made me angry with myself and reminded me to never give up. There are too many songs that helped me to even begin to name half of them.

Some years later, I was fortunate enough to have a chance to see Rush in concert during one of their final tours. The concert was everything I expected and lots more I never expected, and it’s one of my favorite memories. The stench of marijuana, cigarettes, sweaty bodies, and stale beer filled the stands around me and burned my lungs. The crowd cheered so loudly my ears rang for hours afterward. Someone on our charter bus tripped over a car on the way back from concessions, sprayed beer everywhere, and laughed it off with “At least it’s Rush!” Another woman, drunk beyond reason, yanked her panties off and flung them at the stage, then promptly passed out; at the time, I rather envied her opportunity to fling lingerie at Geddy Lee without being arrested. After the concert, a couple of people had to be bodily dragged back to the bus and laid across the seats because they were black-out drunk. I bought a tee-shirt for enough to feed a college student for a week and left with a migraine that lasted three days. It was, to say the least, a lifetime of stories and jokes all in one night.

Craziness aside, the concert was an event like none I’d ever thought to experience. As the music played and the fans screamed, I stood in the crowd feeling both separate from the world and part of something great all at once. At the end of every song, I thought to myself, “This...this is why I’m still alive. This is what I would have missed out on.” With the beginning of every song, my heart soared, my skin prickled with elation, and I became more and more certain I had no regrets. I was beyond considering suicide an option before then, but that concert was the final bit of evidence; turning around and trying again was, without a doubt, the right decision. I knew I was meant to be more than yet another victim of depression.

Today, I’m alive despite many accidents and disasters which could have easily led to a different result. I still get swamped with intermittent depression, and I still spend somedays wondering why I even bother trying. Depression, unfortunately, is just part of who I am; it’s written into my genetics as deeply as my hair and eye color, and it isn’t going to go away permanently. I’ve made my peace with that. Despite the permanency of that struggle, I have defeated the part of me that previously wanted to give up and ‘go away’ when I'm at my worst. I haven’t considered suicide an option since I was bitch-slapped by The Pass; I refuse to ever consider it an option again, no matter how far I may fall.

There are so many things that had to go right in order for my view to change. If Neil Peart hadn’t joined Rush, “The Pass” wouldn’t have been written. If it had been on any album before Presto, I would have heard it before from my many other albums and grown tired of it. If I hadn’t borrowed the album and chosen to play it just that night at just that moment, I wouldn’t have gotten the musical slap in the face I needed so badly...and, no exaggeration here, I would be dead. Nothing else had been able to change my mind; I honestly suspect nothing else could have changed my mind.

I was a suicidal teenager when I first heard "The Pass," which was a condemnation of the glorification of suicidal teenagers. That song accomplished what nothing else had been able to, and I owe my continued existence to it and its writers. I still get lost in the darkness sometimes, but as the song goes, I've learned to steer by the stars. No matter how hard it can be sometimes, I’d rather walk the razor’s edge than let my depression win.

I'll pour you a dram this evening, Mr. Peart, in memory and appreciation. Thank you for my life; I’ll never forget yours.

#Depression #Neil Peart #Rush #Suicide #uplifting #personal #today in the news #depression isn't the end #...and now I'm going to go cry for a minute.

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alexanderlightweight · 5 years ago

Text

a choiceless hope - pt 1

ao3 link

sequel to the sensibility of cider

tags: established secret relationship, political themes, light angst, romance

Alec was exhausted but he held his head high and continued towards the Institute’s doors, intent on getting to his destination with as little outside distraction as possible.

It had been a harrowing week filled with one demon alert after the other, injured teams and a public argument with Hodge that had then turned into a nightmare of a political situation.

Four months ago Alec would have let Hodge’s behavior go and turned a blind eye to a -what he’d considered at the time- problematic but ultimately harmless attitude. Hell, even two months ago he might have done so. Now, after more than a few months of dating Magnus, he trusted his boyfriend the most out of anyone in the world and listened to his advice when it was offered.

Magnus provided a perspective and outside opinion as both an individual and also as someone in a position of authority that Alec had never tried to understand and wasn’t able to. Magnus’ offered point of view and information had shaken Alec’s world, but he’d needed it.

For the entirety of his life, Alec had been so caught up in following the rules that he’d completely lost sight of being his own person and becoming a leader his people and those whom he protected could depend on. With both his parents and his siblings in Idris he normally would have kept his head down and stuck to the status quo, just relieved to have a break from them. Instead, without even meaning to, Magnus had unintentionally changed his world in the best but most complicated of ways.

Which led to this.

At some point during their conversations, Alec had realized that having a former Circle member -especially one that was on permanent house arrest- teach anything other than sparring and drills was not only a security risk but also a terrible idea. Even if, as no doubt his parents would prefer, he blatantly ignored the fact that Hodge was a completely biased teacher and someone who had been radical enough to join a genocidal movement, there were still other issues.

Enough so, he had managed to compile an entire file of reasons that had nothing to do with morals and ethics, just to make sure that no one among the Clave could contest his findings.

Hodge was an Institutional nightmare on paper, let alone in person.

The man had gone straight from training in Idris to joining the ranks of Valentine’s genocidal little group. He’d never participated in life at an Institute until after his sentencing and the little he did know of the mundane world came from books, research and an assortment of unsanctioned Circle raids. He’d never once participated in or been a part of an actual team, nor had he gone out on hunts whose main purpose was keeping both mundanes and the Shadowworld safe. Overall, he had absolutely no idea what he was doing and the fact that he’d done it for as long as he had, while completely unchecked, was utterly appalling.

As if that weren’t enough -and it was- Alec had gone over backlogs and old reports while conducting his own assessment and realized that while Hodge was a good combat instructor, he was a terrible strategist and had very little understanding of teamwork or how much skill navigating a city like New York took. It was with that in mind that Alec had finally put forward his case and today he’d both received the news and then had to be the bearer of it.

To say that he was looking forward to seeing Magnus was an understatement.

Magnus respected him as a person, as an adult and as a leader. It was probably one of the reasons why Alec was so willing to listen to him.

If they disagreed on something it could get a little rough. Magnus and he both had an immense capability for pettiness, however it was never purposefully painful. The worst thing that had ever happened was Magnus slamming the balcony door in his face and Alec, after staring at it in shock and getting his head on straight, had found himself laughing at the entire situation with Magnus not even two nights later. Alec felt a comforting sense of security, knowing that his boyfriend would never begrudge him affection, even if they were arguing.

Magnus had opinions and he didn’t hesitate to share them but at the same time, while his disappointment was painful enough, Alec knew that it was never intended as a weapon to hurt him.

Magnus pursed his lips at an errant potion and narrowed his eyes threateningly. It was not a complex potion, merely a time consuming one with a few ingredients that were younger than he’d realized, which caused the brewing time to be extended. Considering that Alec was on his way over he was very tempted to just scrap the entire batch and redo it another time. With a groan he shook his head and reminded himself to stay committed to the task. He had not survived for centuries only to lose his patience because the man he loved, who he had yet to confess to, was on his way over. Alec was more than capable of letting himself in and entertaining himself until Magnus was done.

That resolve might have lasted longer if at that very moment the door hadn’t opened and Alec hadn’t called out a hello. The sound of his name being said like a cry of relief made Magnus heart trip over itself and he was about to snap his fingers and vanish the brew when his study door was gently pushed open.

“Hey.”

“Alexander,” Magnus said and Alec came close, leaning over the desk of ingredients to press a kiss to his jaw. “Let me just clean this up.”

Alec caught his raised hand and kissed his fingers, a spark of magic extinguishing against his lips and the trust there that Alec always showed nearly made Magnus swoon.

“I can wait till you’re done. I need to go clean off anyway.” Alec pressed one last kiss to his knuckles and then left with a tired though happy smile and Magnus only just managed to switch his attention back to the potion.

It was a with a renewed sense of urgency that he measured the remaining ingredients and expertly stirred the potion. His mind was hyper vigilant, reminding himself that quicker to finish meant a faster reward and the prize he had waiting was one he very much intended on enjoying. Finally it was done and he bottled it, a little dismayed when he glanced at the clock and realized just how much time had passed.

At the moment with Alec only having the title of Interim Head but having all of the responsibilities of the official position of Head of the Institute, they both had to be careful. Neither had been exactly sure what they were doing or where they were going with their relationship at the start, but things had changed and now Magnus was aware, as was Alec, that they were both in this for the long haul.

It had helped that throughout their relationship, Alec’s family had been away. He’d had time to process and find security not only in his own feelings but in his confidence as a leader and as an individual in a relationship with another person.

It also meant that Alec didn’t sleep over nearly as often as Magnus would have preferred, especially as their relationship was still very much on the down low. While officially Alec had no one to answer to, and when at one point Hodge had tried to demand an answer, he’d shut the man down his lover still practiced caution. Someday soon he hoped that Alexander living with him would become a reality he could cherish but it wasn’t time just yet.

As it was, Magnus had planned to slip in and enjoy the end of Alec’s shower with him. Instead he found his boyfriend submerged in the tub. A surprising but in no way unwelcome sight and he paused at the doorway to admire Alec’s peaceful face and smile at the fact that his lover was submerged in a bath full of very purple liquid.

“Is there room for one more?” He asked and Alec blinked up at him in the dim bathroom light before raising one very salty brow.

“There better be, or you’re not as magical as you claim to be.”

Magnus laughed and snapped his fingers, vanishing his clothing to his closet and Alec moved just enough to let Magnus slip in behind him. The water was still piping hot and Alec settled back against him immediately, turning just enough to press a kiss to his collarbone and then relaxing with a sigh.

“This is better,” he said and he raised a hand and flapped his fingers expectantly until Magnus gave in and happily offered his own fingers to embrace.

“It is a nice way to end a long day.” A few moments passed and Magnus let himself soak up the heat and the weight of Alec against him, “are we talking about your day? Or is that a conversation for tomorrow?”

Alec huffed but his grip remained relaxed and his thumb traced little patterns on back of Magnus’ hand.

“We can talk about it now. I heard back from the Clave.”

Magnus tensed a bit but managed to keep himself mostly calm, not quite trusting his words and instead asking Alec to continue with an inquisitive hum.

Hodge had been a point of contention between them and one of the reasons for their first true argument. Their kiss goodnight that night had tasted bitter and Magnus had clung to Alec in their parting embrace, hoping that he hadn’t pushed too fast and too hard, knowing that Alec was young and new to not only relationships but the reality of their world.

However, Magnus was who he was and not even the love he had for Alec would not cause him to turn a blind eye when he could instead impart knowledge. He’d lived far too long to let his personal attachments and worries stop him from educating someone in a position of power and Alec was in that position just from being angel-blooded.

That Alec had listened to him had filled him with hope and later, after they’d reconciled and sat down to talk, Alec had promised to let Magnus speak first without arguing and when Magnus had finished, he’d asked for some time to think. Magnus had given it, working on potions and keeping himself busy as Alec paced the balcony.

He’d been worried at the time that the indoctrination and radical beliefs of Alec’s childhood were too strong, that perhaps they ran too deep.

Instead Alec had looked sheepish and apologetic when he’d finally come inside, cheeks windburn and nose pink from the cold.

He hadn’t needed time to understand what Magnus was saying, he’d needed time to breathe and pace because what Magnus said had made too much sense and it was shattering his worldview. The life he’d built was made all on the foundation that the law was the law, not only because it was hard but because it was right. Alec had always lived by the law and only ever twisted it -never quite breaking it- his entire life. Magnus knew for a fact that he knew the law, perhaps better than anyone, just so that if he ever needed to, he could use the law to his advantage.

For Alec, finding out that the law he’d based his life so rigorously upon when he was young and adrift was a bit like making a home only to realize that the leveler he’d used was broken. The pieces that he’d so meticulously cut from himself were uneven and nothing fit together.

“The Clave has agreed that the position Hodge currently holds is one that creates a conflict of interest. As such, they have rescinded his ability to access not only the Institutes database but also his authority as anything other than a combat trainer. I received a new intelligence specialist today, Mirai Lakecastle. She’ll take over our mission protocols as well as intelligence gathering. An inquiry will also be started, as to why Hodge had the security clearance he did in the first place. It was approved by the Clave years ago, so that part at least is no longer my problem.”

Magnus waited until Alec finished talking and then let out a shuddering sigh and wrapped an arm around his waist. “I’m so proud of you.”

“You’re the only one who is.” Alec scoffed and Magnus ached, wondering just what was going through his lover’s head. “Jace and Izzy come back from Idris in a couple of weeks, but my parents will be staying there longer due to politics.” Alec continued and he sounded exhausted, “I miss them but I’m not sure how to deal with them.”

“Oh? I thought you were excited to have them return.” Magnus wondered at the sudden change of subject but supposed it was all intrinsically related, as most complicated things were.

“I am, or I was but it’s different now.”

“Because of me?”

“No.” Alec snorted and Magnus tried not to feel too offended, “you’re the easiest part of this whole insanity, Magnus. My siblings they don't… they’ve never cared about the law. And right now, if I’m going to make it through this, I’ll become official head of the institute sooner rather than later.”

“So?”

“While this situation with Hodge is under investigation my Institute is going to be even more under review than usual. Jace and Izzy don’t abide by the rules and me being in charge isn’t going to change that. They’ve never respected it before and they won’t understand why they need to now.”

“Surely they won’t want to jeopardize your position.”

“They won’t see it as that, they’ll think it’s just me being a downer, not letting or wanting them to have any fun.”

“Just because you respect the rules doesn’t mean you’re not any fun.” Magnus said, upset on Alec’s behalf. His boyfriend may be a little taciturn with strangers at times but Alec was always excited and ready for an adventure.

“Magnus, everything is different with you . I’m different, because of you.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Maybe one day I would have said yes but no, it’s not. It’s the best thing in the world. Being different is perfect because it means I have you.”

Magnus was glad that Alec couldn’t see him, couldn’t see the way his glamour dropped and his eyes filled with happy tears and he tightened his hold on Alec.

“I’m glad I have you too, Alexander.”

Lakecastle was not at all what Alec was expecting but she was exactly what he needed. She’d arrived late in the night during prime hunting hours and Alec had been out on one of his firsts hunts in weeks. The demons in question were quick and rather than send a team out to suffer hunting them for hours, he’d added himself to the rotation, knowing it would be easier and quicker with a long range specialist.

She was waiting for him when he got back in what could have felt like an ambush, if Alec had cared for such things. Instead he’d been tired but satisfied. The thrill of a successful hunt still thrumming in his veins as he escorted one of his youngest shadowhunters, who was still two years older than him, to the infirmary. An in field iratze had healed the wound but Alec preferred to have his hunters have a full workup to avoid complications like venom poisoning later on.

“Lightwood, it’s fine.” Darkwater told him once again and Alec rolled his eyes, allowing a nod to the newcomer but not leaving his position as escort.

“Then it will be fine once you’ve had it checked out, officially.”

Alec heard the mutter and was distracted from his observation to turn sternly and stare at Darkwater.

“What was that?” He left no room for excuses and his voice and eyes were hard as he stared the man down.

“Sorry.” Darkwater said without actually sounding apologetic, more sheepish at being caught than anything else. “It’s just, your team never does this.”

Alec opened his mouth to protest and then closed it, taking a breath as he thought through it and remembered the feeling of not having the whole picture.

“That’s somewhat true.” He allowed, “but not entirely accurate. Hodge and Izzy often acted as field medics during briefing, which isn’t one of their official duties. Now, due to a pending investigation and as Hodge is unqualified for that kind of service, he is no longer available. Likewise, my sister is in Idris and while she is an accomplished scientist, she is not medic qualified which means she too will no longer be doing that. That she ever was is an oversight that I’ve already begun to rectify.”

Darkwater frowned but nodded, stripping out of his clothes as the medic came over and Alec watched with a furrow in his brow as they worked. He wondered just how often his example was followed to the detriment of others health and silently made a vow to lead by a more visible example.

“I’ll leave you to it,” he said and then gave a short nod, “you did well tonight.”

“Alexander Lightwood?”

“It’s Lightwood, or Alec.” Alec said and reached out to take the hand offered him, “Mirai Lakecastle?”

“Yes, the Clave informed you of my arrival?”

Alec nodded and motioned for her to follow him, “you made good time.”

“The Clave didn’t feel they could afford to sit on this matter any longer than they already had.” Lakecastle said and Alec nodded his understanding, “however they were impressed by your actions. You clearly run a tight ship here.”

“Not tight enough if security issues like the one Hodge presents are considered the normal.”

Lakecastle gave him a tightlipped but sympathetic smile, “but instead of letting it remain the status quo, you risked poking a nest of ravenors.”

Alec paused in their walk, he’d been automatically leading Lakecastle to his parents office but he realized now it was more unofficially his office, as he used it more than they ever did.

“It came to my attention that having Hodge preside as he had, while not obviously damaging, was not in the best interests of my Institute. Or for the safety of my shadowhunters. I also had concerns about the potential ramifications of having someone who was once an active part of the Circle so closely involved with downworld relations.”

“Is that something you’re interested in, protecting downworlder interests?” There was no censor in Lakecastle’s voice but Alec did note the sudden gleam of interest in her eyes. Even a routine answer could be enough for her to report unfavorably to the Clave but he found himself pausing and gathering his thoughts as they stepped into the office and he gestured to a seat before taking his own.

“Downworlders are a part of the Shadowworld. It’s our duty to not only protect mundanes and the integrity of remaining hidden, but also keep safe those within the Shadowworld. So yes, I consider their protection to be important.”

Lakecastle watched him without comment for a moment before nodding and it was only because Alec was watching her so carefully that he saw how her shoulders relaxed just slightly.

“There were some concerns due to your family history, I’m glad to see that they won’t be a problem.”

“What does my family have to do with anything?” Alec asked with a frown, it was true that Izzy and Jace were hardly discrete in their dalliances among downworlders. But the only thing that might jeopardize his position was their recklessness and his past habit of following Hodge’s example and sweeping it under the rug.

Lakecastle seemed to still but when her eyes met Alec’s she gave nothing away and simply tilted her head, “Nothing.” Was all she said, “After all, you and not your family are in charge.”

“For the moment.” Alec reminded her, “My parents are still the officials Heads of the Institute.”

Lakecastle hummed noncommittally but Alec recognized the look in her eye and did his best to stay quiet. Something was clearly afoot in Idris, which meant that perhaps his parents were being considered for a more political role and his temporary leadership would become permanent. The possibility sent a thrill of excitement through him. Established leaders of a successful Institute held a lot more power than just someone who was the heir to a prestigious lineage.

If he had that, some sort of sway in the Clave, or at least records good enough that they couldn’t be dismissed then no one could truly use Magnus against him, or him against Magnus. Instead of being a weakness for each other, they could easily become strong political allies and the idea of it was intoxicating. Instead of just listening to Magnus and learning of problems, he could use what power he had to start implementing a real change and leave behind a legacy of peace rather than bloodshed and domination.

Magnus woke to a muttered curse and the fumbling of a belt being undone in the dark, he kept his eyes closed and let a smile spread across his face. He’d asked Alec to come by after his patrol and argued with his lover when he’d declined. Alec had been insistent that he’d be done with patrol too late to do anything other than disturb Magnus’ sleep but Magnus had been very firm on the fact that he didn’t care if he was woken up, he’d actually prefer it. He knew that Alec was a strong shadowhunter and a good leader, but he couldn’t stop himself from worrying.

To hear Alec’s quiet curses, his fumbling movement and then to feel his presence as he padded with silent footsteps to the bathroom and then when he was done, back to bed, made Magnus relax. True Alec had woken him up, but before his sleep was restless and now he felt as though the few hours he would catch with Alec in his arms were well worth the disturbance.

Alec slid into bed, fingers brushing Magnus’ arm as he sought him out and Magnus kept his breathing deep and even, not wanting Alec to feel guilty… or for him to feel smug that he’d been right about waking Magnus up. Alec gave a small huff of pleasure and wriggled closer, trying to be considerate and careful. It wasn’t until a moment later that his truly arctic toes pressed against Magnus’ calf that he broke the facade and cursed.

“Alexander, your feet are freezing!”

Alec let out a startled yelp and pushed away from Magnus. Accidentally kicking him in a move that would no doubt leave bruises on Magnus’ shin while propelling himself out of bed. Magnus tried to hold back a laugh but found himself chuckling as he summoned a small silver light to illuminate the room. Alec was blinking up at him from the floor, wearing only boxers and a confused expression and rubbing at a red mark on his chin.

“I guess I woke you up after all,” he said and he sounded so sad about it that Magnus couldn’t help but laugh harder still.

“I was awake the moment you stepped into my room, my oh-so-mighty shadowhunter.” Magnus teased and he propped himself up in bed, holding out a hand and grinning at his boyfriend. “Now come to bed properly so we can warm you before you lose something to frostbite. I refuse to lose my favorite shadowhunter because of a chill.”

Alec gave a sheepish laugh and took his hand, letting himself be pulled up and into bed. Magnus was happy to curl around him, gliding his fingers up and down Alec’s torso a few times, letting himself feel that there were no bandages or obvious wounds on Alec’s body before he settled his hand low on Alec’s belly.

Alec pushed back against him, a happy hum in the deep of his throat and if they both hadn’t been so tired it might have led to something else but for now, it was a content intimacy and Magnus pressed his lips against Alec’s shoulder and let the summoned light fade.

It was overly bright by the time Alec woke up and Magnus, who had gone to bed long before his boyfriend had ever come home, was now going over paperwork. There was a grumble from the bedroom, a sleepy murmur protesting the sun and a noise that Magnus had become used to whenever Alec woke to find himself alone. Summoning a new cup of tea, Magnus made his way to the room, a soft smile breaking out on his face as he entered and found Alec sprawled across the entirety of the bed, head pillowed in the indent Magnus had left.

“Morning darling,” he said and was rewarded with a soft grunt and Alec burying his face further into the mattress. Magnus let his robe fall from his shoulders and dance over to his dresser as he slid into the bed. His thigh brushed Alec’s forehead and his lover nuzzled the bare skin there and pressed a little kiss to it before throwing his arm over Magnus’ waist and sighing contentedly.

“I have breakfast.” Magnus told him, a little bribe to start the morning but Alec shook his head, grip tightening in silent complaint.

Magnus just smiled, time like this was precious and he didn’t mind spending it here with Alec and the dawn of a new day. Once Alec’s family arrived he knew their time might become even more short and precious but ultimately stolen moments.

While Alec did plan on telling his siblings about their relationship, he was going to wait until they’d calm down from their return. According to his lover, the Lightwood siblings tended to return from Idris rather stir crazy, add to that the new changes, well it would be best not to bombard them with everything that was new.

“I’m still worried about Jace and Izzy.” Alec confessed quietly and here, in the quiet of Magnus’ room it didn’t feel like a betrayal. Magnus made a soft noise, an indication that he was listening and Alec reached out to thread their fingers together so he could admire Magnus’ elegant hands and play with the shiny rings there. “I didn’t realize until recently just how much damage Hodge and I were doing. They’ve never faced consequences for their actions and they don’t follow any of the necessary protocols, even though they should. I’ve begun to lead by a strict example but I’m worried that they’ll undermine it, maybe without even trying to.”

“You can’t control or predict their actions and they are adults, adults who should and do know better.”

“But I’m the oldest, it’s my job to protect them.”

“Alexander, you can’t live your entire life under their shadow or living for them. You are your own person and they are theirs, they can’t be children under your wings forever.”

Alec shuddered and turned his face further against Magnus’ hip, gripping his hand tightly.

“My entire life has been about them, to protect them. To be better for them. What am I without that?”

“No matter what path you travel, just a few actions alone are not enough to define you. Protecting your family is a huge part of who you are, but it’s not the only important thing about you. You can love and take care of your siblings without sacrificing your sense of self and your happiness for them.” Magnus told him gently and ran fingers delicately through his hair, “it’s not a crime to want more for yourself, or to build a life that doesn’t have them at the center.”

“I want you.”

“And you have me.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

Magnus snorted, “you don’t get to deserve me, Alexander. You can’t put a price on a person or their affection. No, I know,” he said before Alec could interrupt. “Your parents raised you a certain way and that’s not your fault. You were taught that affection and love were earned as a reward and taken away as a punishment, but that isn’t a universal truth. just an unjust practice.”

“So they come back and I what, just let them fail and punish them for it? When it’s my fault to begin with?”

“It’s not your fault.” Magnus repeated, “From what you’ve told me, your sister and parabatai are intelligent beings, they’ve just been spoiled. If anything, you’re protecting them by teaching them this lesson now. We both know that you won’t always be there for them, not even by your own actions. It’s a fact of the life you live that the Clave could transfer them, or they could request a transfer or they could fall in love or go down an entirely different career path. Pampered nephilim do not succeed anywhere outside of Idris, remember that when you’re dealing with them and you’ll both be fine.”

Alec made a muffled noise of agreement and Magnus wished they were discussing this in a little more formal of a setting so that he could see his lover’s face. Instead, he had to contend with deciphering noises and watching the muscles of Alec’s back contract or relax.

“What scares you the most about all of this? It can’t just be disappointing them,” Magnus asked quietly.

“I love my family. I’ll always love them and I want them safe, but I don’t think they’re my priority anymore.”

“That’s okay.” Magnus promised him, “it doesn’t mean you care for them any less.”

Alec was quiet, not wanting to put the burden of his truth on Magnus. That while he didn’t care for his siblings any less, he did care for Magnus more and in a very different way. It wasn’t a bad thing, he knew that intellectually but in other ways he felt like he’d failed his siblings.

“You’re allowed to put yourself first, Alexander. Anyone who truly cares for you will understand that, I promise.”

Alec bit his lip to hold back a reply and tried to stifle the worry that lingered in his heart. There was a part of him, however small it was, that worried about just how true that statement was. Someday soon he was going to get proof of whether or not his family understand the truth that Magnus imparted so easily, and just how much they actually cared about him.

#shadowhunters #malec fic #malec #magnus bane #alec lightwood #my writing #my fic #fanfic #fanfiction #sh fic #shadowhunters fic

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captainsscarlet · 5 years ago

Text

All of the Stars - Bucky Barnes x reader

A/N: Hey, it’s ya girl. I wrote this in 5 hours over a discord call with @captainscanadian. I love this so much, it’s definitely the one project I’m most proud of. So enjoy and I promise, I’m not a heartless monster!

Summary: Hey look, it’s a rewrite of Endgame.

Warnings: Angst, tears, death mentions, spoilers for Avengers: Endgame.

Words: 3,674

23 days post Thanos

You were in the kitchen, heavy bags under your eyes from the lack of sleep. Every night, you dreamed of Bucky. There was no escaping it, it was something you had to push through. In your dreams, it jumped from laying in bed and waking up remembering he was gone and dreaming that he was in turmoil somewhere with no one to help him. A cup of coffee sat in front of you, being the only thing that kept you awake. Behind you, Steve had arranged a plate of toast, bacon and eggs, trying to coax you into eating something. These days, mostly you laid in bed with your mp3 player, listening to the playlist you had made for Bucky, filled with songs that reminded him of his life before HYDRA and of you as well.

“C’mon, you gotta eat…Buck wouldn’t wanna see you like this.”

It was the argument they used to get you to get up and try to live nowadays. It wasn’t like they were trying to be hurtful or upset you. But in reality, it did. You didn’t want to think about what Bucky would say right now, or that he would be upset because the truth of the matter was that if he was here, you wouldn’t be like this. You wouldn’t be in an ocean of grief.

These days, you leaned on Thor as much as you could. Most people stayed away, but you and Thor spent every sleepless night on the roof, watching the stars and telling memories about the loved ones who had died. And while Thor blamed himself, you reminded him each time that it wasn’t his fault. That Thanos was the one who killed everyone and not the God of Thunder.

You accepted the plate from Steve and began to pick at the food in front of you, managing to choke down some toast. You were pushing the food around your plate when you saw the light of…something. You looked up at Steve and you both ran outside, seeing a glowing figure…was that a woman? She was holding a ship in her hands and you held your breath. A few moments later, Tony Stark stepped out with Nebula and you let go of the breath you’d been holding, seeing him alive. You hung back while he said something to Steve but had to go back inside when he embraced Pepper.

It stung, and a part of you, some hateful and angry part of you, wished he had died instead of Bucky. It wasn’t kind and it was horrible for you to think that you could be so mean, but it was true. You loved Tony, but you would give him up in a second to have James Barnes back in your arms again. You went and sat back at the counter, pushing the coffee and food away from you and staring into space. The fact was you couldn’t change what had already happened.

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You stood next to the new girl, a woman named Carol, as what was left of the Avengers discussed what had happened in the 23 days since that day. She chuckled slightly at Tony’s banter with Rocket but when Tony started getting upset, you stopped at stood up straighter. When he started yelling at Steve, you lost it and walked between them.

“You think you’re the only person who lost someone, Stark? We all lost someone! All of us! We could point the blame at any one of us. Hell, let’s look at you. If you hadn’t driven Bucky out of the states, if you hadn’t started a god damned war, I would have had time. I could have held him every night. But instead, I get memories of a year ago, when he was on the run. When you tried to kill him. Sure, there are some happy ones, but that is the main memory, Tony. We all are to blame.”

You didn’t stick around to hear his reaction. You went straight to your room and cried. You cried for Thor who lost his brother and his entire planet. You cried for Rocket, who lost his friends, the only family he ever had. You cried for every single person on the compound, including yourself. And it didn’t stop until late into the night, when your tears had run dry and you were too exhausted.

5 Years Later

You slammed your hand over the nightstand next to your bed, trying repeatedly to hit snooze but to no avail. Instead, you had to haul yourself up to do so, and by that time, you were already well awake. Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you began your morning routine. Bathroom, clothes, coffee, food, and then off to work. Ever since ‘the snap’ as people were calling it, you’d been working with Steve on his support group. It had helped you through the past 5 years, and even helped you now. You try to keep things light and go with the flow, but somedays, it’s as if all of this happened yesterday and you lay in bed, crying, wrapped up in his clothes and holding the letters he wrote you from Wakanda.

But today was a good day. So you went out the door and walked to the building where the meetings were held. You unlocked the door and set yourself to work. Brewing coffee was saved for last, but you liked to clean before everyone got there. You set up chairs and tried to at least make the room somewhat cheerful. You had put on the stereo to a soft rock station while you worked and then set up your laptop and started answering emails. A lot of grieving people simply emailed instead of coming to meetings, whether they couldn’t leave home or they just wanted to remain anonymous and you and Steve tried to answer as often as you could. It hurt that you couldn’t answer them all, but you liked knowing that you could help soothe some people’s pain. You heard the door open and looked up from your computer, giving a small smile to the blonde man who’d walked in.

“Hey Steve. Just finishing up some emails and then I was gonna head down to the store and get something for meeting tonight. Anything in particular you want?” Your head went back down to typing as Steve walked toward you and put a hand on your back.

“Whatever you pick is fine. How you holding up? Nat said she hasn’t spoken to you since last week after group.”

You knew they worried about her. You lost contact with a lot of people after the snap. Tony cut you off completely, although Pepper emailed you pictures of their daughter. You’d been to New Asgard to visit Thor once or twice, but he told you not to come back. Whether it was because you reminded him of his failure or just because he’d rather be depressed and alone, you didn’t know. But you made sure the Valkyrie kept you in the loop, making sure he was at least alive. Nat and Steve were your only friends now and while you loved them, they could be very overbearing at times.

“I’m doing okay. I uh, I’ve been redoing my apartment. New paint, new rug, all that stuff.” Your fingers moved across the keyboard, your eyes not even looking up from the screen. “I know you guys are scared I’m gonna breakdown but honestly, Rogers, I’m fine. I’m trying to move on.”

Steve looked down at you and gave a soft smile before patting you on the back and going to get chairs to set up. “Can you grab more water and maybe some MnM’s?” You chuckled and gave him a thumbs up before settling back in and finishing up emails.

About an hour later, you headed to the store, music blaring in your ears as you walked, until a song made you stop in your tracks. It was one of the songs that Bucky had heard and insisted on putting on your phone. You remembered the memory so clearly.

You had been laughing and swatting at Bucky, screeching as he pinned you underneath him and began assaulting you with kisses. Bucky had started opening up a bit more and ever since, you had the time of your life. He kissed you more and wasn’t afraid to hold you, it was amazing. Your laptop had been playing some youtube playlist of old music, trying to compile a playlist for Steve of songs he might like to listen to while on the way to different missions. All songs from the 60’s and later. When the song ‘It’s Been a Long, Long Time” by Harry, James and Helen Forrest came on, Bucky stopped and listened before standing and a ghost of a smile was on his face.

“What you thinkin’ about, Bucky?” You focused on his face before it turned to face you and he held out his hands.

“This reminds me of home. Back then, I mean. Sounds like some of the stuff we would have played back then.”

You stood up and took his hands in yours, placing one on your waist before putting your own on his shoulder and swaying gently. When a woman’s voice started to croon over the speaker, you hummed along, feeling Bucky rest his head against your own. And for a moment, you wished that you were in a snow globe. That this moment would never end and just go on forever.

You felt tears rolling down your face and quickly swiped them away. It was the one song that you refused to delete. But you always skipped it when it came on shuffle, simply for the fact it made you cry every single time. You leaned against a nearby wall and just listened, holding back every feeling until the 3 minutes concluded. You had to compose yourself. If anyone at group and especially Steve, saw your tears, they’d know that you’d been lying and that in truth, you hadn’t moved on.

After a brief time of just standing there, you took a deep breath and began again toward the store. You grabbed a case of water, enough MnM’s to feed a small army, or just one super soldier, and a medium sized platter of cookies. You paid and began your way back to the center, this time with no issues. A quick set up and a couple pots of coffee later, people started showing up. You hugged and greeted each person by name and allowed everyone some time to talk before you and Steve brought everyone to the circle and started the meeting.

“Anyone wanna start?” Steve asked, looking around. You waited about a minute before you began to speak.

“I uh…I went to the store and got water today, and our song came on.” You kept a practiced, even tone, not letting your emotion show through. “I think we all try to ignore those little signs that they’re gone…but you can’t. Because it means pretending they never existed…I think we just have to push on.”

Steve turned to you and reached over, taking your hand and squeezing. “You’re right. We gotta move on. The world is in our hands, it was left to us, guys. We gotta do something with it. Otherwise, Thanos should have killed all of us.”

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You and Steve walked into the compound, you threw your bag on the table and walked into where Nat was, sweeping past Steve and heading straight for Nat, wrapping her in a hug. “I heard you were trying to get ahold of me, even though I’m pretty sure I’m old enough to watch out for myself.” You teased, grabbing a piece of Natasha’s PB and J sandwich and taking a bite. The redhead smiled up at you and held your other hand, before you both turned to look at Steve.

“You know, I keep telling everybody that they should move on and grow. Some do, but not us.” You moved your eyes back to Nat and squeezed her hand. You sometimes forgot how much Natasha was hurting, since she rarely showed that part of her to anyone. But she had lost the only family she’d ever known. Laura, the kids, Clint…even though he wasn’t dead, he still wasn’t here and that part was hard on Nat.

“If I move on, who does this?”

“Maybe it doesn’t need to be done.” The look in both of your friend’s eyes were sad and as Nat began to speak, you felt your own eyes water up. You moved to stand behind her and lean down, wrapping your arms around her chest in an attempt to comfort her. Soon after she was finished, you heard a beep on the security camera and your jaw dropped.

“Scott?” The man was speaking about a mile a minute and you knew exactly who he was. You’d met him before the boys went to the airport, and instantly liked him. And as soon as Nat confirmed that he was actually there, you actually had some hope.

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The wave of guilt you felt as you got out of the car weighed on you. Sure, you and Tony had fought before but this time it wasn’t something trivial or unimportant. You had blamed him for Bucky dying and there wasn’t really a way to come back from that. Pepper had forgiven you, understanding your grief and letting you slide. But seeing Morgan and Tony, brought back just how selfish you had been and you hung your head in shame. Instead of talking shop with the boys, you headed inside and chatted with Pepper, even playing a little with Morgan before Pepper sent her out to save Tony from the others.

“Thanks Pepper…for letting us come here. I uh, I’m glad you and Tony got your happy ending.”

Pepper wrapped her arms around you and shook her head. “Stop blaming yourself. It’s been five years, y/n. You need to stop letting this get to you.”

You smiled and pressed a kiss to Pepper’s cheek as you saw them getting up to go. “I’m really happy for you Pepper.” As you walked toward the door, you waved goodbye to Morgan and looked up at Tony. “I’m happy for you too, Tony.” He turned and called your name but you just kept walking, following Steve to the car and climbing in the back beside Scott.

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As you made your way to New Asgard, all the nerves you had pushed away came back. You hadn’t see Thor in years. And where you once were his friend and the person whose shoulder he cried on, you now were scared to face him. What if you reminded him of the bad things and pushed him into a depressive episode? You felt so much guilt for all the people you may have hurt when the Snap was fresh.

When Val looked toward the stack of empty beer kegs, you looked at her and your face dropped. He wasn’t just depressed; he was numbing the pain with alcohol. And while Bruce and Rocket may not understand, you did. You understood just how much Thor felt and what was weighing on his mind and heart.

When you knocked on the door, you didn’t expect an answer. Even so, you let Rocket try and when you ended up in the house, you couldn’t help but look around and want to cry. You knew Thor had to be in a bad place to live like this and it hurt for you to see it, but Steve had said you would do some good to see your old friend again, and you had hesitantly agreed.

When you came face to face with the God of Thunder, you expected a lot of things. Maybe to be thrown out, maybe a kiss on the cheek or even to be ignored. You did not expect to see him shirtless with a beer belly and his long blonde hair knotted and greasy. You tried to smile, truly you did, but it surely came out as more than a grimace and when Thor wrapped his arms around you, you had to hold your breath. But in all the bad, you were just happy to see him again, in any form. And now in his arms, it almost felt like it had 5 years ago, but a lot softer.

When he let you go, and Bruce mentioned Thanos, you saw the reaction. The tears, the wetness in his voice. And the fake strength in his voice as he tried to kick them out nearly broke you. But he came with you, for the beer of course. But as he was buckling himself on the ship, you reached out and took his hand.

“I missed you, Thor.”

His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it was something and at that moment, it was the most important thing in the world. Because he was still the person she saw five years before, whether or not he knew it.

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During the ‘time heist’, you stayed with Pepper and Morgan. You played games near the lake with the smallest Stark and when Pepper jetted off in the suit Tony made for her and Happy appeared instead, you knew it was the end. The question was, had they done what needed doing. God, you hoped so. When Clint had come by, and told you about Nat, it killed you. The scream that came from you, it was loud and guttural. Hadn’t you lost enough already? Had you not been through enough than to lose your best friend?

You laid on the couch with Morgan, watching one of the home videos Tony had made throughout Morgan’s childhood when you heard a commotion outside. You pressed a finger to your lips and you and Happy both went to investigate. When you saw an injured Tony, you ran toward him, as he was supported by Steve and Pepper. “Did we… Did we win?” you asked, out of breath and looking to Steve for an answer. You got a nod and fell to your knees, tears flowing from your eyes as the reality hit. Clint tapped you on the shoulder a moment later and your eyes flew up to meet his.

“By the lake. We’ll patch Tony up but you should go down to the lake.”

You nodded, and began your way there but when you looked up, your breath caught in your throat. There, back facing you, stood James Buchanan Barnes, in all his glory. For 5 years you had prayed that you would hold him again. But this time, it wasn’t a dream. He was real and he was here. You wanted to fall to your knees again and thank god or whoever had made this possible.

But instead, you ran.

Your feet grew wings and you ran toward him with a simple scream of ‘Bucky!’ echoing in the trees. He turned and caught you in his arms as your arms and legs wrapped around him, completely enveloping him in your embrace. His own hands found their place on your body, holding you tight to him and pressing his face into your neck. You couldn’t stop crying, all you could do was hold him. Because he was real, and he was here.

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The table was set. Well, tables. Many laughing and smiling faces seated and there you were in the middle of it, making silly faces at Peter and Morgan from across the table. That was until you heard footsteps and you all stood, clapping as Tony sauntered in.

It had been a couple of months since the battle. A month since Thanos had been gone. Tony had almost lost his life fighting him, almost lost the little life he had for himself here. But he fought and with Bruce working on him, he was a force to be reckoned with.

“Thank you, thank you everyone. Very happy to be back.” Everyone sat back down and you slipped your hand into Bucky’s, leaning against him as you both watched Tony. “I just wanna thank each of you, because, well honestly, if it weren’t for you, we would have lost and all this would be…nothing.” He gestured to everything around him. Dinner continued on, everyone passing things around and telling stories to those who hadn’t been around or just chatting.

You stood up, putting a hand on Bucky’s shoulder and excusing yourself, before going outside and settling yourself on the railing of the porch, looking out onto the lake. It was funny, how these things happened. You were sure that Bucky never imagined Tony as his next door neighbor but from where you sat on your porch, across the lake, you could see Tony’s house, just a short boat ride away.

While Bucky didn’t wanna stop fighting, he wanted a place where his family could be safe. So in the middle of the woods, they built their dream house, complete with your grandmother’s vintage record player sitting in the living room.

You felt a hand touch your shoulder and when you turned, you were shocked to see it was Tony.

“Hey kiddo. Nice place. Not as nice as mine, but you definitely could have done worse.” You chuckled and leaning into the man. Ever since his near death experience, you had talked. Long nights of discussing and thankfully, he forgave her. He understood, what you had said back then, and why you had felt that way. He was just so concerned and grieving and upset that he couldn’t handle any other person’s feelings at that moment.

“Thanks Tony.” You smiled before swinging yourself off the railing and pulling him back inside. “C’mon Iron Man, you got a party to get back to.” You pushed him back inside and leaned against the door frame, watching your family all play and laugh with each other.

A pretty perfect picture. And it was all yours.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #marvel x reader #thor x reader friendship #tony x reader friendship #endgame rewrite

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