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thepriceofbeingaroseisloneliness · 4 years ago

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Kaoru&Toshiya Interview BURRN!! October 2020 1/2

'Ochita koto no aru sora' was released as the band's first digital single ever. In the middle of what it seems to be nightmarish situation in which they can’t predict at all what’s lies ahead , what are the hopes and emotions that these 5 people put into this song? Text by You Masuda

Notes before reading: This is the first part of the Kaoru and Toshiya interview done by You Masuda for BURRN!! October 2020 Issue, released on September 4th. This part covers more or less half of the interview. Expect second part to be posted around this weekend. You can read the second part here. You can support and get the magazine at Amazon Japan or CDJapan. Feel free to correct me if you spot any mistake or any confusing parts. Links or credits to this post when the content is reposted or captured in other SNS is appreciated :) -----

At midnight on August 3rd, DIR EN GREY's latest single 'Ochita Koto no aru Sora' was released through digital distribution. Half a day before this, on 2nd afternoon’s, this magazine had the opportunity to talk to Kaoru (guitar) and Toshiya (bassist). Following the 'TOUR 20 SOGAI’ that was scheduled for this spring, the two-night performances 'The Insulated World-The screams of Alienation', which were supposed to be held on July 23 and 24, at Pia Arena MM, a large venue newly established in Yokohama, were also cancelled. However, this latest song with such a meaningful title was delivered as a promised.

Completed by Josh Wilbur as a mixing engineer, this song should be the starting point for a new direction for the band. On the other hand, the flow of their live activities has been cut off. However, even if they are under such a strange situation, I felt objectivity and calmness that differs from resignation in their words. -I think the situation is different so far from the usual single release timing. When it comes to digital-distribution only releases, things like booklets or extra DVDs are no involved in the process. Kaoru: No, it was supposed to be like that, but this is what we are doing right now. Besides, we are making an special package for Pia Arena (a packaged version of the same single that will be sent to ticket purchasers who didn’t want a refund due to the cancellation of the two-night performance at Pia Arena MM). Toshiya: So, in the end, the result is the same thing. Kaoru: It feels like (the idea of) that kind of work (packages) is something that we pursued later so that’s why the talk about if we should do a photoshoot for it or not came out. -I see. This time, the first digital distribution only release was made. It was the result of reassuring the release of new songs at this time, right? Kaoru: That’s right. A digital release is probably the best way to get it on time. Toshiya: In a sense, it's also a new initiative. I always thought the time for us to release something in this this way would come. I couldn't predict when that would happen. But now, at this time and under these circumstances, I feel like a digital release is a very rational thing. On the contrary, if it was not this time, maybe we wouldn’t had known when the right time was to give it a try. -Then, this situation made it happen. In the first place, surely the song ‘Ochita koto no aru sora’ was planned to make its debut at the two-night performance in Yokohama (Pia Arena), After that, you have planned to release it around July, right? As a result, the fact that the performances were cancelled seems to have changed the implications a bit. K: Originally, the flow/world of ‘The Insulated World' was supposed to be finished in those two days, and we were heading to a new path from there, but the lives that were supposed to be the precursor for that, disappeared. So, as a result of that, it feels like the new single will be released while the previous flow is still going on. Of course, just because the tours and live performances that were supposed to be held are gone doesn't mean we can't make new ones, however, but you could say that the way to look at their flow has changed. Well, actually, about those two live shows (PIA ARENA MM), we may try to do them again someday in the future. -But in fact, just because a new flow is about to begin, even if these so-called revenge performances are done in the future, at this point, the things that you wanted to do might have changed. K: Yes. Because I don’t think of them as performances that had a date change. Over time, the songs we want to play will change. We actually talk about that. As expected, I can't say anything about it yet (laughs) -At the same time, the single. I think the way we look at the ‘Ochita koto no aru sora’ will also change. T: It will change naturally. But it can’t be helped, and I don't think it's a bad thing. No matter what kind of work it is, it’s something that gets out of our hands at the moment that we put it out for the world. From that moment, I think it will change depending on the moment that people listen to it and how they feel connected to it. -For the two-night performance in Yokohama, the set list was broadcasted in real time on your official channel of Youtube. The last song of the 2nd day was ’SUSTAIN THE UNTRUTH'. I think that the fans that we were watching it should had listened to it while imagining ‘what kind of atmosphere will have the end of this performance?’. K: I don't think you could imagine what kind of live it was supposed to be even if you tried to (laughs). However, to reveal something at that live…. If we could had done these live, there was no announcement planned after the performance. We had no plans to do a tour beyond that, and there was nothing new to announce at that time. As a result, it only became possible to announce the single properly at that time. -The moment in which the flow from 'The Insulated World' was completed after the two-night performance, the growing curiosity would be “what’s next?”. If nothing is announced, that’s going to make people talk (speculate) about that, right? T: Hahaha. For sure. K: Well, but it was like “but there is nothing! (to announce)’, right? (laughs), But well, we are just about starting the album production. It’s just that we can't announce anything because we haven't decided when we are going to announce it yet. T: But that’s already the greatest implication, right? -For sure. Anyway, the fans have no choice but to use their imagination. Also, a song with such a meaningful title such as ‘Ochita koto no aru sora’…what kind of song it it? Is the kind of song that is ahead of ‘The Insulated World 'and 'The World of Mercy'? Could you say that this song suggests the musical direction you are going to move on? K: Well, we don’t know yet. It's just a song has been completed to be single. It starts from there but who knows what will happen in the future? -In other words, it's better to think of it only as a single song, right? K: Yes. At this point, that’s what it is. -Kaoru, you said in an interview published in 'BURRN! JAPAN VOL 16’done before the completion of this single that I have no choice but to imagine how the music would be from the title. You used the mysterious words “a modern/ a song according to the current times” as way of teasing me. K: I did say such a thing, didn’t I? (laughs) -I had no idea of what that meant, but from the impression of the title, I imagined a slow song that felt dark and heavy. However, when I actually got to listen to it, I found out that it’s not like that at all. It’s a song that doesn’t fit in your common format or a standard song that has gone through a process of changes. Although there are many developments parts and just a few repetitions, it feels like all these the elements are tightly packed in these 3 minutes. Pointing out that it’s a song that debunks the theory I made, I wonder what did you mean with “a song according to the current times/modern”? K: What I wanted to point out when I said that it’s that the high point of the melody(chorus) isn’t the only outstanding thing about the song. Usually there is one high point in the song, usually in the middle of it and a few other highlights during it. That’s what I think that I meant when I say a “modern song” (laughs) -What were your first impressions when you heard the song, Toshiya? T: I don't remember the impression I had when I first heard it. Of course, the song itself has changed a lot since that moment. However, it did change following the flow of DIR EN GREY at the same time in a natural way. I don’t know how to say explain it properly but, I think that it feels like a song that was composed while using limited components very effectively. It’s a very interesting song composed with creativity and originality. -The fact that it’s a song composed with the minimum necessary parts, including the the catchy part makes it interesting and intertwined, isn't it? T: That's right. So, while adding and subtracting parts, it created a good shape for the song. I think that’s very interesting. -In a sense, I feel that it also connectss with "CLEVER SLEAZOID", which is recorded in a new version this time. K: What do you mean? -At that time, that song was also the beginning of a new flow for you, building up the song until a high point. Moreover, there was a compactness in each part that were intertwined in a functional way and finished without needing to repeat parts more than the necessary. That's why I felt there was some intention behind these two songs lined up together in this way. K: Ah, I see. T: But that’s reading too much into it (laughs) K: Actually, before the main song of the single was completed, I've already arranged it, this 'Clever Sleazoid'. “I wish we could live in really safe circumstances. Rules for live might be different, but I definitely want to try it soon” Toshiya -Oh really? What made you decide to re-record this song at this time? K: Somehow, the lyrics…. T: As he (Kyo) wanted to sing them in Japanese... K: Yes. English is mixed this time as well in the lyrics, but at that time the lyrics were all in English. (Note: In the original song, only one line in Japanese was included in the end). He wanted to sing it in Japanese, we thought we should try it. T: This was... I think it was in France. We had already decided to do it during the European tour from January to February. That's why I remember the time when we were rehearsing it in France. K: Yeah, that's right. T: We raised the tempo a little, change the rhythm, and try to match it together. It was like… ‘how does it feel like this? ‘Or like that?’ We were kind of checking the atmosphere that it would create (for the song). - The single "Clever sleazoid" was released in 2005. At that time, even from the American label side, the lyrics were requested to be made in English. That’s something that might had cause Kyo feel disappointed. Also, using the English language did not change the way people accepted you in Europe and the United States. So it might me something that created a feeling of discontent. By the way, this song hasn't been on the set list so much in the last years. K: That was just a coincidence. -It was a little surprising that it wasn't included in the set list for the two-night performance in Yokohama (PIA ARENA). T: Yeah, for sure. K: If we would had put it in this time, you just can’t play the old version. It's just like that. (When the setlist of PIA ARENA was broadcasted in Youtube) -I agree with that. There are many things I would like to ask about the lyrics of this song now that are done in Japanese, and of course, the lyrics of "Ochita koto no aru sora", but this time, Kyo seems that won’t accept interviews about the lyrics. Fans have begun to search for the lyrics of "Ochita koto no aru sora" since the short version of Youtube was released for the first time. The words "August 6th Morning" appear in the lyrics but is the reason of this the continuation of the story that is told in the song “Riyuu” (Song from 'Macabre',released in 2000, the lyrics start with the words "August 5th")or is it pointing out the date when the atomic bomb was dropped in Hiroshima? When the video clip was released, it seemed more natural to interpret it like the latter, because it includes images related to war scenarios. I don’t really want to compare your answers here but, how do you both interpret it? K: Mmm, I think that it’s like something that is restricted, like being trapped in something where you can’t see anything. That kind of feeling. To tell the truth, Kyo told me something like “this is the feeling of it” but, it seems that at some parts, the current situation has also been included. The other day, following the cancellation of the Pia Arena performances, there was a talk event for people who purchased VIP tickets, and this same thing was said there right on the spot. “It’s not unrelated to this situation right now”. -Even if he originally wanted to write about other things, does this mean that this situation has affected it (the lyrics)? K: It seems so. -What do you think of this, Toshiya? T: I don't really try to interpret the lyrics in detail, however, I was wondering if this song was a continuation. I feel the lyrics these days are all connected even if they come from different directions. Also, I basically think of all his lyrics and songs in terms of melody. So, I didn't scrutinize the meaning of the lyrics or anything like that, for me it is like a sound. -Saying so, I can't go asking any further (laughs) In fact, I myself feel that there is a continuation in that sense. I think there should be a connection with "The World of Mercy". What about the title itself, “Ochita koto no aru sora" (“The fallen sky or the sky that has fallen”)? Does this mean that a sky has fallen? Does that mean that you yourself or something has fallen in the past? Initially, I felt it was the first option but now seeing the story, it seems most likely to be the latter. K: I think it could be both things falling, right? But, I think that it’s ok for each person to decide how they do perceived to the lyrics. -I feel like the suffocating feeling as if the sky was falling, overlaps somehow with the current situation. K: Yes. However, when you use “koto no aru”, it means that you have already experienced it. So, in the sense still…. T: I’m not really sure about it. K: I don't feel like the person who wrote the lyrics wants to say "this is it" clearly. In a way, if it were something that wants to be clear, it would be explicit in the lyrics. Rather than that, there is a part in which what is writing is daringly blurry. After all, I don’t think I like explaining the meaning of the words because explaining will weaken the meaning. Isn’t it stronger if everything is in the shape you wrote it? -Yes. I would like to ask Kyo again about this matter sometime after. However, what about the link between the content and the video clip with the lyrics? For example, among those which are known, as "VINUSHKA" (included in "Uroboros" released in 2008) from the video, it is natural that some people interpret is as "This is a song about the atomic bomb, isn't it? However, it is not a materialization of the lyrics, but rather an answer to the song from the director of the video’s side. The video of "Ochita koto no aru Sora" is directed by Keita Kurosaka, who has worked on "Agitated Screams of Maggots" and "Rinkaku"as well. This time, you asked Mr. Kurosaka to do it because…...? K: First of all, the actual question was who could make the clip. So, it started with looking for a director. It was the same as always, this time, after all, it’s hard to come up with new ideas when it comes to select people for doing it. This time, it’s not directed by Kondo (Hiroyuki: the video director who has worked on many of their video clips) because the previous clip has not been completed yet (laughs). If he hasn’t finished that, we can’t ask him for a new one. So, we talked to Mr. Kurosaka, with whom up until now we have worked together with animation stuff but, as there were also people who took pictures and footage, we decided to mix them up. -So that was the reason why you didn't ask Mr. Kondo? The full version of ‘'The World of Mercy' video clip isn’t out yet… K: It's not finished. It hasn't been done yet, it's true. But….aren’t we a little weird? Somehow, normally, we should be angrier. Actually, I was angry but even so, it wasn’t done yet (laughs) -He is a person who thoroughly goes digs in the content. The video will be exceeding the 10 minutes as well as the length of the song. However, until now, the video for 'The World of Mercy' has only being shown to our eyes in its limited version. T: We also have seen only that as well (laughs) K: We haven't seen anything more than that. We've only seen the short one, so with those, we still don't get the big picture of the video. That’s why we haven’t been able to do some exchange of opinions like ‘isn’t it really different?’ -That's too bad.Isn’t it something like (the situation) of La Sagrada Familia? T: Isn’t it? (laughs) After all, it seems it’s hard for Kondo to put everything together, because there are too many feelings or enthusiasm towards DIR EN GREY. I’m acting as his spokesman (laughs). But well, I’d like to ask you to do it faster (laughs) (Next part)

#dir en grey #kaoru #toshiya #burrn!! october 2020 #BURRN!!#You masuda #interview #toshiyatranslations #translation

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toxicpineapple · 4 years ago

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Well, this year is coming to a close!!! Here are my favourite writings from the year 2020 :)

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January:

“A penchant for looking at rocks”, the first ever Amamota fic I wrote (it’s been a long fucking year, haha) and another 5+1 things fic! Buckle down LGBTQ+ community because there are a lot of these, in fact I’m pretty sure I started off last year’s compilation with a 5+1 things fic? Anyway, this one was the five times Kaito helps Rantaro when he’s hurt, plus the one time Rantaro helps Kaito. I love me some good whump and I felt I had to choose this one because it’s one of my favourites just generally speaking.

Content Warnings: Injuries, tending to injuries, asthma attacks.

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February:

“Ibuki Mioda’s Kisses”, which I wrote for day fourteen of Femslash February. Boy, if I thought I wrote a lot in January, just take a moment to peek at February 2020… I was churning out a fic daily for the entire month. I don’t regret it though! I got to write a lot of characters who I haven’t written a lot, and explore a whole lot of prompts, and if I can remove my head from my ass I fully intend on participating in Femslash February again next year. Ibuki Mioda’s Kisses is the piece I wrote for Valentine’s Day, which was my two year anniversary with my boyfriend, so I wanted to write something special commemorating our relationship. No idea how I’m going to top that in 2021, but uh, check out the fic! It’s cute and I like to think it’s clever.

Content Warnings: The Mortifying Ideal Of Discovering Oneself, secondhand embarrassment, bad kisses. (I mean in the sense that texturally they’re just, unpleasant. It’s about asexuality, alright.)

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March:

“Adventure”, which I wrote for day five of Amasai Week, which was the first ship week I hosted and participated in in 2020! This was the longest piece that I wrote, and my favourite, just because I really really love the childhood friends trope, and I liked writing Shuichi and Rantaro as children, adventuring together and just having a fantastic time. Amasai Week actually took place while one of my parrots stayed overnight at the emergency vet after a fight with another one, so it was a pretty stressful time for me, but I’m proud of myself for completing it and looking forward to hosting Amasai Week again in 2020! Stay tuned, we’ve almost got the prompts worked out.

Content Warnings: None.

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April:

“A couple of ghosts”, which is the fic I wrote for Kaito’s birthday! I see we’ve reached the part of 2020 where I met my abuser, which, yaaaaay, but also, I’m still really proud of this fic, despite how much I kind of associate it with him now! It’s the fic where I said, y’know what, no, we can’t have nice things, and gave Kaito a horrible, traumatic reason for his fear of ghosts, as well as two dead parents. It’s Saimota though and there’s a cute hurt/comfort scene at the end so go ahead and check it out if you want.

Content Warnings: Car accidents, minor character death, injuries, PTSD.

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May:

“Are you down to play?”, the fic that I wrote for day four of Saimota Week, wherein Shuichi has a secret and Kaito makes a bet with Kaede to figure it out. Man, if you thought I had bad associations with the fic I chose for April, look at this one, haha. But it’s objectively the best writing piece I uploaded that month, I’m really proud of my characterisation and the scenes in the fic, and hopefully someday I’ll be able to read this piece without thinking about him. :)

Content Warnings: None! This one’s just a fluffy feel good fic.

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June:

“Tamago kake gohan”, the Sonanami canon compliant hurt/comfort fic I wrote for my friend Void’s birthday. I put out a whopping three one shots in June because I’d really hit the swing of my roleplaying and hadn’t adjusted to it well enough to be writing fic at the same time yet, so, yeah. This one’s cute, though! Sonia is sad about Gundham and then Chiaki makes her some food. They’re sapphic.

Content Warnings: Canonical character death.

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July:

“Good night”, the Amasai 5+1 things that I wrote for my friend Neb’s birthday! This is the five times Saihara slept in front of Amami, plus the one time Rantaro slept in front of Shuichi. It’s cute! They’re tender! It features the trope where you sleep in front of a loved one! I love that trope! And it’s Neb’s favourite so I had to go for it, hehe. These two are cute boys and they deserve to be happy.

Content Warnings: Breakdowns, nightmares. (But neither is from the narrator’s perspective.)

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August:

“Making that dream come true”, the royalty AU Kaede and Rantaro become friends fic that I wrote while I briefly hyperfixated back on my royalty AU. I got into another writing groove during this time so I actually have a lot of really good fics up from August (including Mutual Vulnerability… Amamotas I’m sorry to have cucked you like this that fic was so damn good) but this one was my favourite. I love writing in first person, and I love writing platonic relationships, and someday I’m going to write the multichapter that this fic sets up for.

Content Warnings: Arranged marriages, and something else but it’s a secret, shhh.

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September:

“A lot of firsts”, the Harumami fic I wrote for the first day of Amami Week, which is a personal writing challenge that I did this year to celebrate the week leading up to Amami’s birthday. September was a really dry writing month for me, partly because of the roleplay stuff and partly because of personal issues, but I’m still proud of the heteroeroticism (heh) in this one. Maki and Rantaro have chemistry, what can I say.

Content Warnings: Stab injuries (not from Maki to Rantaro, please).

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October:

“October 3rd”, the second fic I wrote for Rantaro’s birthday, and also the Oumami fic that I wrote for day seven of Amami Week. I’m a fan of most of the fics I wrote in October (I wouldn’t gift someone a fic I’m not proud of and most of the fics I wrote, including this one, were gift fics) but this one is my favourite just because of the introspection, and also because of the fact that I got to write Ouma, because he’s always so much fun. I enjoyed writing the two of them going back and forth and have another Oumami fic on the way so stay tuned, haha.

Content Warnings: None.

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November:

“It is what it is”, the fic I wrote for day four of Amamota week, which takes place when Rantaro is an adult, and out at a bar with his friends, where he meets Kaito and goes for a walk outside. It’s a melancholic piece for sure, but I like capturing those vibes with my fics, and I got to write a group interaction which is always one of my favourite things to do. Amamota is my biggest comfort pairing and I’m glad that I got to host Amamota Week this year, because I enjoy those two so much. :) Great chemistry.

Content Warnings: Recreational alcohol use (everyone is drinking legally and tentatively responsibly), general sad vibes idk.

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December:

Okay, honestly, I haven’t posted anything yet this month aside from a vent, and since the vent I posted talks about my eating disorder and it’s not really very good writing anyway, I don’t feel comfortable putting it on this list. I have a multichapter holiday themed Oumami fic on the way that I will hopefully finish before the end of the year, as well as a fic I’m working on for a writing and art trade that I ABSOLUTELY need to get off my ass and work on, so those will hopefully be out by the end of 2020.

But yeah, that aside, that’s the complete list of my favourite fics from 2020. It’s been a long year and I’m glad to have stayed a member of the Danganronpa fandom through it. I really appreciate all the friends I’ve made, and the fun times I’ve had while I’ve been here.

2020 has treated me pretty terribly, haha. I met someone who I really wish I could’ve gone without, and my health has suffered, and I’m hoping to be able to start my recovery properly in 2021. Guess if I have a new year’s resolution, it’s to let go of what he did to me and start trying to get better. So I’m going to work on it! I can’t say that I think 2021 is going to be anybody’s year, but maybe it’s not about what the universe has in store for us so much as it is about what we make of it.

I hope everyone who reads this has a wonderful new year, I love you all dearly, thanks so much for the support and the laughs, and I’ll keep on hanging around and spreading my Amami propaganda.

Someone has to, haha.

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phantom-curve · 4 years ago

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find the strength, find the melody pt. 6

okay so I wasn’t originally going to include the entire scene in Lessa’s office but, once again, my words ran away from me. now you get this beast of a chapter. it’s the longest one yet, coming in at a whopping 4,383 words so think of it as an apology for letting my other fic take over for a sec and also taking like a million years to post this.

I started working on Luke’s POV because I am nothing if not a fan of jumping the gun, and his writing style is so different and living in his head is such an adorable journey of Julie Molina obsession. really excited for you to see some of the stuff that’s been going on for our sweet lil soft boy. also, if you notice the dialogue style changing a little bit in this/future chapters it’s so I can have the same scenes without a ton of repeated dialogue in Luke’s POV.

writer’s block anecdote of the day: I keep flipping Luke and Alex’s name in Luke’s POV because one of the main OCs in my novel is actually named Alex and has been since I started working on this novel a literal decade ago. oh and there is also an OC named Owen. someday I’ll learn to give my characters unique names, but not today!

taglist: @blue-hat-girl, @lwhoscribbles, @bluefyoto94, @5sosmukefan, @moonlightxnder, @leahthewonder, @kat-maybe-not, @lukewearingbeanies, @imastrugglingartist

Once they were close enough to risk running into other students, Julie dropped Luke’s hand. She made a point of ignoring the frown he gave her, using her now free hand to reach up and adjust her hat. Only, her hat wasn’t there. Her hands landed on loose, untamed curls instead and she immediately turned to Luke with a small amount of panic already building in her chest. He gave her a funny look, and then seemed to notice her hair and somehow understood completely. His hands reached up to lower hers. He let his grasp linger for just a moment before letting go, leaving her hands to dangle limply at her sides. Only his gaze held her in place.

“I never really liked that hat. Your hair is too pretty to cover up like that.”

He said it like a fact. The sky is blue, the sun is hot, your hair is too pretty to cover up. Julie felt a swell of emotions rise again, threatening to overwhelm her. But then he was off towards the front of the school throwing a very casual, “You coming?” over his shoulder at her. She raced to catch up, emotions beaten back for the time being.

They joined the surge of bodies filtering through the front doors. Alex and Reggie stood off to the side inside the entryway of the school. It was impossible to miss the tall blonde in his light pink sweatshirt standing next to the shorter boy in leather. Luke didn’t hesitate to weave his way over to them, but Julie hung back. She wasn’t really sure what was going on between them, wasn’t sure if she felt comfortable enough to just tag along behind him. She caught sight of Flynn’s hot pink beanie bouncing in the distance and let out a sigh of relief. She could separate from Luke here, talk to Flynn, get some perspective on this whole situation.

Luke glanced back at her then. She saw the question in his eyes, felt her heart race when he gave a little side nod like he was inviting her to join him. She swallowed and gave him a half-hearted smile before jerking her thumb over her shoulder in Flynn’s direction. He frowned, but she was already turning away. She pretended she didn’t hear him call her name, slipping into the crowd of students, letting it swallow her up so she could disappear from his sight. Eyes locked on Flynn’s back she moved farther away from the Sunset Curve boys. Flynn only jumped a little when Julie snuck up behind her.

“Jesus, Jules! You scared the shit out of me!”

Her best friend’s familiar voice washed over her like a comforting blanket. All at once, Julie was word vomiting the entire night.

“Flynn, oh my God. He had Mom’s song and he saved it for like, a whole year, and then he gave it to me yesterday, and holy shit I forgot how beautiful it is. And you’re not gonna believe this but I played, like I actually played the piano and sang, and it was like homecoming, it was like the biggest rush, like my mom was right there in the studio with me. And then, oh my god, now you’re really not gonna believe this, but oh my god, then Luke freaking Patterson showed up out of nowhere and he uh might have stayed on the pull-out couch, and then he uhm he made me breakfast this morning? And we walked here together?? He was like...doing this thing where his eyes were going all starry and soft and he was saying really sweet things and it was...a lot and I really don’t know what’s going on with that but uhm I’m kinda freaking out. Also, hey good morning, how are you?”

If Flynn’s mouth opened any wider Julie thought she might unhinge her jaw. In a sea of bustling students, it felt like they were in a bubble all their own. She anxiously fiddled with the bracelets on her wrists as she watched the gears turn behind her best friend’s eyes. After a full two minutes of silence, Flynn’s hand flew out to latch onto Julie’s bicep. Without a word she dragged her down the hallway and into an empty practice room. Flynn released her grip, Julie rubbing at her arm, jeez Flynn was strong!, while the other girl closed the door and flipped on the light that indicated the room was in use. She whirled around, her eyes drilling into Julie’s.

“You’re gonna start at the beginning of that whole mess of truth bombs and spill every last detail about exactly what happened with Luke ‘freaking’ Patterson. Right now. Starting with the bit about your mom’s song.”

Julie took a deep breath and slowly walked Flynn through the events of the last few days, from the moment she had run into Luke after her meeting with Ms. Harrison to when she ran away from him this morning as he was calling her name. Distantly, she was aware of the bell ringing, but it was only homeroom anyway. What did that matter when she was having an existential crisis? Flynn’s mouth only hung open a little bit by the time she was finished telling the story again. Julie felt her shoulders slump. What an emotional rollercoaster. Flynn was quiet for a long moment. Then, she smirked at Julie with a knowing look in her eyes.

“Hmph. Looks like my girl’s got a crush, and his name is Luke. I cannot believe you’ve been holding out on me like this!”

She was teasing, her tone light with a little bit of a mocking sing-song quality to it. But Julie could hear the undercurrent of worry running through her words. She had become quite adept at detecting that particular vocal quality in the last year. She sighed.

“Whatever. Can we focus on the more important revelation that I played the piano and sang again?”

Flynn, best friend that she was, gracefully allowed the subject change.

“Jules, that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you! How did you feel? Alive again?”

Julie laughed, the sound feeling easy and light as it left her chest.

“Yeah, actually, that’s exactly how I felt. It was...honestly, it felt magical. It really did feel like my mom was there with me. There was this sense of peace that just felt...”

She shivered, remembering the sensation of ghostly arms around her shoulders.

“I can’t really describe it. But it was like something just clicked, and I realized that the best way to remember my mom and honor her is through music. The music we made together and the music I’ll make in the future. Rose Molina’s musical legacy will live on in me, and that feels pretty special.”

She couldn’t keep the smile from her face or the happiness from her voice. Peace really had been found out in that studio last night. Julie felt more ready than ever to move out of the darkness she’d kept wrapped around her like a shield for the last year.

“That’s beautiful.”

Flynn pulled Julie into her arms, the two girls sharing a long hug. The bell rang, signaling the end of homeroom, before either girl could say anything more. They left the practice room together, splitting up when they reached their respective classroom doors. Julie swallowed thickly as she settled herself in the back of her Calc class. This was one of the classes she shared with Luke, although she had conveniently forgotten that fact until the moment she sat down at her desk. He appeared in the doorway within seconds, giving her no chance to properly prepare herself. His eyes lit up when he saw her, and he started to make a beeline for the desk next to hers before their teacher caught him.

“Patterson! You know the deal.”

Not even Luke’s best pout could win over Ms. May. She simply raised a brow and pointed at the seat he had been assigned at the front of the classroom. Julie let out a small sigh of relief. It was hard not to smile at Luke’s dramatics as he slumped over and slowly shuffled his way to his desk. He dropped into his seat with a loud huff, glancing over his shoulder at Julie with forlorn expression. She rolled her eyes, smothering her smirk behind her hand. The bell rang again, and he turned his attention to the front of the room as Ms. May called the class to order.

He didn’t stop sneaking looks back at her the entire class period though. It made her want to squirm in her seat every time she dared peek at him and caught him watching her in return. He would always give her one of those soft, sweet smiles and then turn back to his work. It was unsettling, especially when she thought of how he hadn’t paid much attention to her in this particular class before today. Although, now that she really thought about it, maybe he had. Julie had basically been living in a fog of grief for the last year. The school could have caught on fire and she probably wouldn’t have noticed it until her clothes were burning.

She was almost grateful when one of the front desk aides appeared in the door to their classroom. Kayla made direct eye contact with her before knocking on the door frame to get Ms. May’s attention.

“Julie Molina is needed in the office.”

A tense silence fell over the classroom. Every single student remembered the last time Julie had been called down to the office in the middle of a class. Even Ms. May’s eyes flickered with pity for a moment before she gave Julie a gentle smile and nod. Julie stood slowly, forcing herself to keep her breath even as she gathered her books and papers into her backpack. 22 pairs of eyes watched her slowly make her way to the front of the room. One pair burned hotter than the others. Julie met Luke’s eyes for the smallest fraction of a second. Just long enough to see the concern rise up in them. Then she was out the door, walking the uncomfortably familiar path to the front office.

“It’s Lessa. And I think your dad.”

Kayla’s quiet voice startled her. She looked to her left, surprised to find the other girl keeping pace with her. Julie had thought she would walk ahead or peel off to deliver other messages. Instead, she got a small but genuine smile.

“Look, I know things are weird because of the Carrie thing, but I just didn’t want you to freak out too much. Frankly, I think Lessa’s kinda a bitch to pull you out of class like that. She’s an idiot if she doesn’t remember...well anyway. It’s something school related, not like a family thing.”

Kayla briefly squeezed her bicep, almost like she wished she could give Julie a hug. Then she was off down a separate hallway, waving the stack of messages in her hand at Julie as a goodbye. Julie watched her go for a second, feeling off balance and surprisingly emotional. Kayla was a Dirty Candy girl. In the battle lines that had been drawn between Julie and Carrie, Kayla’s position was as obvious as Flynn’s. For all intents and purposes, she shouldn’t be looking out for Julie, and yet, she was anyway. Julie wondered how many small protective moments she had missed from her classmates in the last year. Maybe she hadn’t been quite as alone as she had always felt. She took a deep breath and finished the walk to the front office, a little more ready to face what was on the other side.

Knowing it was school related and that her dad had been called down sent a shiver of apprehension down her spine for a different reason. It had to be something about the music program. Not for the first time, Julie regretted keeping it from her dad for this long. She was out of time now. At least she could thank the universe for small favors. If it had been her Tía in this meeting, Julie’s life would be over. Her dad was more understanding. They would be able to get through this. Julie forced herself to square her shoulders and enter the office with more confidence than she felt. Her mom’s words echoed in her mind you can do it. It was all the strength she needed.

At least until the door to Principal Lessa’s office was closing behind her, and she was face-to-face with her heartbroken father.

“Julie. Take a seat, please.”

Lessa’s voice lacked its usual bite. She just sounded tired. Julie felt that down to her bones. She slipped into the seat next to her dad without a word.

“I’m going to get right to the point. Two of us,” her eyes narrowed slightly on Julie who shifted in her seat in response, “knew this meeting was coming. The other one of us has now been informed as to why it was called.”

The weight of her father’s stare was crushing her. Julie didn’t have to look to see the disappointment there. It was rolling off of him in tsunami sized waves. Lessa continued talking despite the uncomfortable tension growing in the air.

“Now. We have several options. As you both know, Los Feliz is at its core an arts academy. We ask that our students participate in at least one of the arts programs. Participate being the key word there. Julie, it’s clear that participation in our music department isn’t something you’re able to do right now. While we were able to offer you a grace period, we have other students applying for the position you aren’t using. It’s only fair to allow them the chance to participate if you won’t.”

Julie was not going to cry. Not here in front of Principal Lessa and her dad, trapped on school grounds where everyone would see her when she left. She bit the inside of her cheek as hard as she could, letting Lessa’s soft but firm voice wash over her without absorbing anything she was saying. She caught bits and pieces: Lessa offering her a spot in the less desirable subset of illustration in the fine arts department with a chance to reapply for the music department the following semester, her dad requesting information about the new program as well as copies of her transcripts in case they decided to move schools, Lessa’s voice softening as she apologized, her dad’s growing even softer as he thanked her for everything the school had done so far. Then the meeting was wrapping up, and her dad was shaking Lessa’s hand, and Julie was focusing on her backpack so she could get the hell out of there. She barely caught the sad smile Lessa gave her as she said, “Good luck, Julie” in that same goodbye tone Ms. Harrison had used on Monday. Julie had never been so desperate for her old hat to hide behind as she was in that moment.

She shuffled along behind her dad. It was obvious the school day was over for Julie. He was quiet as they made their way out of the office and into the empty hallway. Class had been dismissed while they were with Lessa. Julie was thankful there weren’t any other students around to witness her downfall. Her dad almost made it out of the building before rounding on her. Almost.

“I cannot believe you tried to hide this from me! I thought I raised you better than that, mija. You’re lucky your Aunt had a work meeting she couldn’t miss. Why didn’t you come to me?”

It was the overwhelming disappointment in her dad’s tone that did Julie in. She had never been able to stomach letting her parents down. If Ray’s voice was any indication, she may have reached the rock bottom of let downs.

“I’m sorry.”

She was. She truly was. She didn’t know why she had kept it from her dad except that if she had told him then she would have had to admit it was real. She hadn’t wanted to face that reality just yet.

“I just don’t understand, Julie. You still like music, right? Is it the school? We can find a different music program. You don’t have to stay here just because your mom loved it so much.”

Julie opened her mouth to argue that actually that was exactly why she had to stay here, but a different voice cut her off. An annoyingly familiar voice that had her heart racing and her palms sweating.

“Julie!”

She nearly groaned aloud. Never before in her life had Julie wished to disappear as much as she did right now. Just open a hole in the floor and jump right into it. The absolute last thing she needed right now was Lucas freaking Patterson getting in the middle of this dressing down. Hell, she didn’t even want him witnessing it let alone trying to get involved. She clenched her jaw, ignored her dad’s pointedly raised eyebrow, and turned on her heel to meet the teenage boy that suddenly seemed to be haunting her every step.

“Luke. Hi.”

She kept her voice flat, the go away clear in her tone. His steps faltered for a second, but she could tell by the way his shoulders bounced that he wasn’t going to be so easily deterred. She had run away from him this morning and been saved multiple times in Calc. He wasn’t going to let her avoid him anymore. He approached her and her dad with all the cool confidence a 17-year-old boy in a band could muster. Her mouth almost fell open when he bypassed her completely to stick his hand out towards Ray.

“Luke Patterson. You must be Mr. Molina. It’s very nice to meet you, sir.”

His smile was genuine and charming, his lyrical voice all too polite. Julie wanted to scream as she watched her dad fall for it. Could she not have one single embarrassing moment to herself anymore? Was she doomed to play out the moments she came off looking the worst in front of this cute boy for the rest of her life? Her dad’s eyes lit up as he shook Luke’s hand. Julie wished she could bash her head against something.

“Patterson? Mitch and Emily’s boy?”

“Yes, sir.”

Only Julie caught the way his smile tightened and his shoulders raised defensively at the mention of his parents.

“Wow, you’ve grown quite a bit since the last time I saw you! Good people, your parents.”

Julie rolled her eyes at the dad-ness of it all.

“I forgot you were in the music program with Julie...”

She couldn’t help but cringe as her dad’s words trailed off. That statement had been enough to remind him why he was here in the first place. He turned away from Luke to give her another heartbroken look. She hung her head to escape the censure behind his eyes.

“I am. Actually, that’s why I was trying to find Julie! She was late for rehearsal.”

Julie whipped her head up to glare at the boy still bobbing in front of them. He was trying to cover for her not knowing Lessa had blown that opportunity sky high not even 5 minutes ago. It was sweet in a misguided way, but it was also a painful reminder of all the things Luke had that she didn’t.

“He knows I got kicked out. You don’t have to lie for me.”

Her voice was sharp, and she was fully prepared for the kicked puppy look she was sure he would give her, but instead his smile only grew. His bouncing became impossibly springier, like gravity just didn’t apply to him. And then he winked, actually winked, at her.

“Awh, c’mon, Jules!”

His whine was just the right amount of playful, his eyes sparkling with mischief. Her heart did a weird flip in her chest.

“I know it was supposed to be a surprise, but the poor man is clearly suffering! We should let him in on our little secret.”

Julie’s glare intensified as she ignored the way the words our little secret hit the softest part of her heart. What the hell was he playing at? He winked again, something that should be outlawed given the way it made her stomach drop and knees weaken. Then he held up his hands in a half-hearted I give up gesture.

“Okay, okay. You don’t have to tell him about the plan to get you back into the music program if you don’t want to.”

If this were a cartoon, Julie was sure her eyes would have popped out of her skull completely at those words. As it were, she settled on doing everything she could to keep her jaw from dropping. She had absolutely no clue what he was going on about, but he clearly had some sort of agenda. There was a script to this encounter, she just hadn’t been given her lines. She saw her father shift out of the corner of her eye, arms raising to fold across his chest as he took in the scene unfolding between the two teenagers. Luke was still talking, apparently deciding to capitalize on Julie’s stunned silence.

“I just think it would be helpful if he knew about it. Then we wouldn’t have to sneak around so much. I know you wanted to have it be a big reveal, but we can still surprise your aunt!”

Her dad turned to her with a raised brow, confusion and the smallest seeds of hope growing behind his gaze.

“¿Mija?”

Julie wanted to punch a locker and also vomit. What the actual hell was Luke Patterson doing? She had no frame of reference for whatever game he was playing. No way of knowing if it was serious or some sort of prank. She looked away from her dad to meet Luke’s eyes. He gave her a small, pleading smile, silently begging her to trust him. His eyes became impossibly gentle and she saw that same boy from the studio last night and the kitchen this morning peeking out at her. Ultimately, it was that intimate reminder of his softer side that made her cave.

“It’s nothing, Papí. Just some hair-brained scheme Luke came up with.”

She raised her brow in a challenge, communicating with that one twitch that she wanted to see his endgame here. His face lit up like the 4th of July. She was sure if they had been alone he would have let out a victory whoop. He rocked back on his heels, hands in his pockets, biceps flexing in his best cool kid impersonation.

“Don’t sell yourself short, Molina. We’re getting just as much out of this as you are.”

She didn’t have time to snap back that she wasn’t sure she was getting anything out of whatever ‘this’ was before he was plowing ahead.

“See, my band and I lost our fourth member earlier this year, and we have our Junior Showcase coming up, but man, it’s been a serious struggle to find our sound without Bobby, and we really gotta nail this Showcase. It’s like the one where managers scout out who they really wanna pay attention to as a senior, so we gotta be the best.”

Julie saw where he was going with this before he actually got there, but it was too late to stop him. That was what she got for playing along with his stupid game in the first place.

“And see, I finally figured out that what we really need is someone like Julie to elevate us to that level. Your daughter is a freaking wrecking ball of talent, Mr. Molina. It took a lot of begging, but she finally agreed to play with us. There’s no way Lessa won’t put her back in the music program after we play together.”

His grin was a mile wide, pride shining from his pores. He was 100% sure of this plan, she could see it in the way he looked at her. Absolute blind faith in her. It was as flattering as it was terrifying.

“I see.”

Her dad’s voice was shockingly contemplative. Like he was actually considering supporting this crazy idea. He looked at Luke thoughtfully.

“Do Principal Lessa and Ms. Harrison know about this plan?”

Luke’s hand raised for one quick nervous scratch at the back of his neck. He gave her dad his most charming smile.

“Sometimes you’ve gotta go into ambush mode. Swing that wrecking ball of talent and smash some rules, eh?”

If it were any other parent, that line would have probably been the worst possible thing to say. But this was Ray Molina, whose first date with Rose had involved a small amount of breaking and entering as well as a large amount of running from cop cars and stealing kisses while hiding in alleyways. Rose had never met a rule worth following, and it was part of the reason Ray had fallen in love with her in the first place. Luke had sealed the deal without even really trying. Julie was doomed.

“I like it.”

Ray’s smile was almost as large as Luke’s. It was scary how similar they looked right now, enthusiasm shining in their eyes with an intensity that was borderline maniacal. There would be no getting out of this now.

“Why don’t you boys come over to the house after school? You can practice in our studio.”

Julie didn’t even get a chance to open her mouth before Luke was agreeing. She watched him shake her dad’s hand once again, some weird kind of bonding look passing between the two of them. Her dad wrapped a tight arm around her shoulder, and then turned them both towards the front doors again. Julie cast one final look at Luke over her shoulder, heart skipping a beat as he bit his lip and gave her yet another wink.

“See ya later, boss!”

Had her dad not been holding her up, Julie would have melted right into a puddle of mush. Yup, she was totally and completely doomed.

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imagineclaireandjamie · 5 years ago

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Can you please add to the come Hell or Helwater story? I would be eternally grateful. Also do you post any where but here? Like A03 or something?

Come Hell or Helwater - Part Nineteen

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven, Part Twelve, Part Thirteen, Part Fourteen, Part Fifteen, Part Sixteen, Part Seventeen, Part Eighteen

And here’s where you can find it on AO3.

*********************************************

Something was going on. Brianna wasn’t sure what, but there was something strange going on between her mother and Jamie. Whatever it was, they didn’t want her to know about it. Every time she walked into the room, they turned all their attention on her. It was overwhelming and she didn’t like it. She’d rather they told her what was going on. If it didn’t stop soon, if they didn’t say something… she would.

Isobel and Lord and Lady Dunsany had returned a few days after her mother. Brianna’s lessons with Isobel had resumed but neither of them were as interested as they had been. Isobel was excited about her sister’s condition and would be going back and forth between the two houses a great deal in the coming months.

“It’s a comfort to her to have me there,” Isobel explained as she struggled to show Brianna how to do decorative needlework. She was embroidering a cap for her sister’s baby.

Brianna was supposed to be putting a monogram onto a handkerchief for her father, but she couldn’t tell Isobel that the initials were wrong. She just worked quietly on the A and M, figuring someday she could add a J to the beginning and an I and E at the end. It wouldn’t be centered properly in the corner but at least it would properly be his.

“It’s important that she rest and not be upset by anything – it’s bad for the baby,” Isobel explained.

“And when you’re not there, is she upset?” Brianna asked.

“It isn’t polite to gossip about such things,” Isobel replied, more with resignation than an aim to scold Brianna for her question. “But she is certainly more inclined to find things upsetting when there’s no one around who can help her with running the household.”

“And you miss your sister too, I suppose.”

“Of course. We were close when we were younger. Our brother was older and we both looked up to him – Geneva especially. I… I remember his death more than him, really. It brought us closer, I suppose,” Isobel confessed.

“What’s it like?” Brianna asked, suddenly curious. “Having a sister?”

Isobel’s eyes widened with surprise but then she folded her hands into her lap, needle and thread carefully held between the forefinger and thumb of her right hand, the delicate, unfinished cap clutched in her left hand.

“Well… She liked to be in charge when we played, but I didn’t mind. I think she’s always been more fanciful so her games were more enjoyable than anything I ever thought of. There were times when we would quarrel, but I don’t know as I’ve heard of any siblings who don’t disagree from time to time,” Isobel confided with a warm smile. “It was harder for her, being older, I think. She had to do everything first when it came to being about in society when we visited London. She’s also prettier so more has been expected of her in other ways. Her marriage has been a successful one… in some ways more than others. I do think we enjoy one another’s company better now and I am excited to become an aunt,” Isobel said with a grin, her attention returning to the baby’s cap in her hands.

Brianna gave her a polite smile, pondering the relationship Isobel described.

She’d had some friends in Boston, but no one she was particularly close to. Even if she had wanted to have friends over to her house, many of their parents weren’t keen to let their daughters visit the Randall household. Despite the fact that Frank was a respectable professor, Claire not only worked, she had a man’s profession. They didn’t want their children getting ideas. Of course, it could only do Brianna good to see the example set in their own households, so she was always welcome there (but once her mother discovered what was behind their hospitality, she preferred to have Brianna either join Frank at the university or do her homework in her own office at the hospital).

Some of those sort-of friends had siblings, though. Angela’s older sister sometimes let them play with her makeup but she also yelled at them when they accidentally spilled her favorite nail polish on her desk. Barbara’s older brother mostly just ignored them whenever Brianna happened to see him and Barbara didn’t seem to mind too much. Doris had a younger sister who had just been starting school and she complained about how all her old things were being passed down – things Barbara still considered hers.

They’d stayed at Lallybroch for a few days before setting out for Helwater. It hadn’t been much time for Brianna to get to know her cousins (and it had been a little overwhelming because there were so many of them), but maybe she would come to see them like siblings… if they ever got back to Lallybroch.

“And what about you?” Isobel asked Brianna gently. “Do you think you would find the prospect of a younger brother or sister exciting?”

Brianna looked up at Isobel, confused. How had the older girl guessed what she’d been thinking about?

“I… guess,” Brianna replied. “I know I wanted one when I was littler but after a while of wanting one and not getting one, I guess I stopped hoping for one.”

“Mmmhmm…” Isobel nodded, her eyes darting back and forth from her needlework to Brianna, something playful in her gaze and at the edges of her mouth.

“What?”

“Nothing. I suppose… I wished for a younger sister sometimes when Geneva was being unkind to me. I told myself I would only treat my younger sister with kindness. While I may not have gotten a younger sister in the way I’d hoped, the girl I imagined she would be was a lot like you – in behavior more than appearance,” she added with a quiet laugh.

“That’s kind of you to say,” Brianna responded flatly, still confused by Isobel’s behavior. She looked to the clock on the mantel. It was a little earlier than they usually quit for the day but Brianna had had enough of Isobel’s riddles. “I should go back and help Mama,” she said, carefully putting her work away. “She hasn’t been feeling well lately.”

“I heard,” Isobel said, laying her own work aside and rising to follow Brianna to the door. “Send her my best wishes that she’ll soon feel better. Encourage her to rest and take care of her if she’ll let you.”

“I will,” Brianna promised but there was something in the way Isobel said it, in the way that she smiled that left Brianna turning their conversation over and over in her mind as she made her way back to their cottage.

When Brianna arrived, her mother was standing at her work table but she wasn’t working. She had one hand braced on the table, the other at the small of her back rubbing circles into it.

“Are you okay, Mama?” Brianna asked, closing the door quietly behind her.

“I thought you were supposed to be having your sewing lesson with Lady Isobel,” Claire remarked, straightening at the table and reaching for some dried herbs to add to her mortar for grinding.

“I told her I needed to come back early to help you,” she said, moving to a spot on the other side of the table.

“Very well. Here,” Claire slid the mortar across to Brianna and then handed her the pestle. “Grind those and then add them–”

“I know, Mama. I’ve helped you make this balm before,” Brianna assured her with an annoyed laugh.

Claire laughed quietly, moving to prepare the beeswax for melting. She paused at the end of the table, leaning into it again and running a hand over herself, first down her front and then to that spot at the small of her back for a moment. With a small nod to herself, she resumed her task.

Brianna had noticed and again asked, “Are you okay, Mama?” Seeing her mother sigh, seeing her prepare to lie or only tell half the truth, Brianna set the pestle aside with more force than she intended, and asked with more force, “Are you sick? Is that why you and Da have been acting strange?”

“I’m not sick, sweetheart,” Claire assured her. “I’m… I’m going to have a baby. I wasn’t sure for a while and there’s still a lot that can go wrong,” she babbled, “but no, I’m not sick.”

“Oh,” Brianna said, picking the pestle back up and grinding the herbs, simply for something to do with her hands. “Are you… happy about it?”

Claire looked at Brianna for a moment, a smile slowly breaking across her face. “I am. But I’m also terrified. The last time I did this was a looooong time ago.”

Brianna laughed. “I’m not that old.”

“No, but you’re not my little baby anymore either,” Claire lamented.

“You’re still scared even though this time you have me and Da?”

“Last time… I didn’t have much left to lose if things went wrong,” Claire answered, quietly. “This time…”

“You’ll be fine, Mama. Da and I will make sure of it,” Brianna promised.

“That’s exactly what your father keeps saying.”

“Two against one,” Brianna said with a shrug. “You should listen to us.”

Claire chuckled. “I suppose I should.”

“Can I tell Lady Isobel? She’s making a cap for Lady Geneva’s baby. Maybe she can show me how to make one for this baby.”

“That would be nice… And what about you? I know it’s a surprise but, are you happy about it? You won’t be close enough in age to be playmates…”

“I don’t know. It’s strange to think of having a baby here,” she remarked, looking around their small cottage. “But I guess it’s kind of like everything else. It’s strange at first, but then you get used to it and have a hard time imagining any other way. I still miss… I was gonna say ‘home’ but this is home now. Where we were before feels more and more like a dream.”

“Hmmm. It does. Not a bad dream or a good dream… just a little… not real.”

“But I always have you to help me remember it,” Brianna said.

“And I have you,” Claire agreed. “And that is something that will always be just ours.”

Brianna smiled, liking the thought of having something that she alone shared with her mother.

#fangoddes4life #;mod lenny #come hell or helwater au #featuring: bree #featuring: isobel dunsany

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seyaryminamoto · 4 years ago

Note

Hello! Sorry to double up on questions this week. I wanted to say that I (somehow in the last 2 days . . .) read through all of Sokkla Saturday entries (actually, I read most of them twice). I think they're all absolutely fantastic –– remarkably creative with the prompts and well done. Acknowledging your note at the end of the last entry, do you think you ever will flesh out these AUs a bit more (even in other one-shots)? Especially the "arranged marriage" AU (but the others too...)?

xD thanks for the love! Those stories were a lot of fun to create, lighthearted detours on my main endeavor can be lots of fun often.

The truth about most those stories is that they were mostly AUs and ideas I had thought I’d never write and didn’t think I could really work with in the future, due to Gladiator consuming all my existence. I actually started out planning on making small stories for the Saturdays (the first two should be evidence enough, they weren’t even 5K each! xD), but once I hit the third prompt... I just went wild xD

The arranged marriage idea came from pondering which of my many AUs could ever result in Hakoda and Ozai deciding to arrange their children in marriage. Granted there are many ways to make this happen, but then I remembered the idea that was directly opposite to Gladiator, basically, with Aang breaking out of the iceberg earlier rather than later... and it just spiraled into that crazy huge AU that absolutely should be expanded upon xD Whether by developing how this other iteration of Team Avatar worked, or by showing how much the world has changed and how different it is from canon through exploring Sokka and Azula’s relationship... it would be fun, absolutely.

The Space Sword expedition was a story I never finished, a plot I had come up with ages ago, seriously, back in Gladiator’s earliest days, with a friend. That friend no longer writes, but I figured it’d be an interesting idea to take that plot bunny and properly explore it the way we intended to, ages ago. Basically it’s the same storyline we had thought of, but probably resolved far more smoothly than we initially planned.

And well, Azula being captured by the Gaang instead of Azula capturing any Gaang members was another AU from ages ago. In fact...

I can’t find the original post anymore, but about three years ago I drew the very scene of their first kiss from that story. It’s not 100% accurate, I suspect? x’D but I’m sure the scene is recognizable anyway. I won’t lie, I’d really love to figure out what comes next in this one. I stopped where I stopped because it felt right... but there’s quite some story to develop in this particular AU, especially after Azula openly betrayed her nation.

Then the assassination attempt at Ba Sing Se was, ages ago, meant to be a potential lead-up to a story I never finished either :’D originally, they weren’t meant to go as far as they do in the Saturday story, and instead they would have consummated everything later. At this point, it’s safe to say the way it turned out in Matching Heartbeats is a million times better x’D and yeah, it was another idea I was kicking around in my head for years, seems like people too often focus on assassination attempts on Zuko, but there’s other big heads of state who could potentially be victims to such schemes... and frankly, poor, trusting, hopeless Kuei is probably the easiest one to murder for political motives. Still, it’s evident the whole core of that story isn’t the assassination, but rather, Sokka and Azula getting stuck in a very cramped closet. That was the real point of the whole thing x’D

Then Evil Ursa AU... that idea has been living rent-free in my head for ages too x’D it was the first plausible idea I ever had for how Azula could ever be banished the way Zuko was, down to even being kicked out along with Iroh. It’s probably the darkest of all the stories, definitely pretty horrific considering how damn nasty Ursa becomes... I took some probably obvious inspiration from Cersei Lannister in making Ursa as cruel as she was, though of course, Cersei still loved her children in general... whereas Ursa here just loves Zuko and Zuko alone :’D she’s really just an expansion on her canon character in this one, but it was a lot of fun to see how things can turn out if Azula has that strong a reason to fight against her nation and oppose the reigning “Fire Lord”.

The Yakuza AU is probably the odd one in the bunch because it wasn’t plotted ages ago, but instead very recently xD it may seem strange, considering it’s the longest? But yeah, I outright answered an ask about how I imagined these two in that setting and... my brain may have broken a little over the sheer potential of it xD the kicker is that while I’m far from a yakuza expert, I may have looked into them more than most people do? Been writing stories featuring yakuza since... 2009? x’DDDD so I may have jumped a little too quickly at the opportunity to situate Sokka and Azula in this setting, though I still did extra research because damn, the world of yakuza tattoos is pretty intense. This one definitely requires some expansion, the clan war was absolutely only going to get weirder from that point onwards, alliance or no... especially once Ozai found out what was going on with those very strange, weeks-long tattoo sessions xD maybe one day I’ll figure out what comes next here, maybe...

The source of the final story was a friend’s suggestion that maybe someday I could write a Zuko who supports and even pushes Sokkla together, rather than opposing them, seeing as that’s how most of us characterize him in our stories. I didn’t really plot it out until this prompt was selected, but the seed of the idea was in my head since a long time ago and I just decided to let myself go with what might come from it xD

Aaaand that’s where all the more ambitious stories in Matching Heartbeats came from! :D Not that you asked about this directly, but who said I wasn’t the type to ramble? X’D

In any case, I would love to expand some of these AUs some more, especially Arranged Marriage, I melt in your hands, Making a deal and the Yakuza AU, absolutely true. But as I can’t say I ever will have that chance, I did my best to condense the main anecdotes of all of them into those oneshots because I may not have time to develop them some more... but if the opportunity ever arises, I’ll love revisiting these stories, any of them. In future events perhaps? :D I’ll keep everyone posted if I ever do! :) thanks for the support and the interest!

#snorkledink #matching heartbeats #eeeeeeeh #I rambled #oops #:'D #I loved this event so much #more than I imagined I would #so much inspiration #all the responses were really wonderful #I'm thrilled over it even two weeks after it ended #*sobs*#I should just go revisit these whenever Gladiator destroys my sorry ass too badly #yes I should...

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neo-culture-mafia · 4 years ago

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I am profoundly heartbroken. It’s 1:26am and I should be in bed right now, but I won’t be able to close my eyes properly before I get this out of my chest. Admin J is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met in my life, and reading those words directed to her just makes me feel like I failed as a friend, I failed to protect her from this nonsense.

Whoever you are, I want to tell you that even with all of those unnecessary words, my friend doesn't hate you, I don't even need to talk to her to know that she doesn't. Admin J believes in people. She helps people. She comforts people. She shines in her own way. The only reason why I came back to this blog after months away from Tumblr is thanks to her. She encouraged me, she respected my pace, she believed that I could do this (even when writing strong themed stories are not my best skills), she heard me when I was hurting. She welcomed me back with open arms. She was one of the few people who I could count on to talk about my hurting when I felt like no one on this earth would bother to listen to me.

She has all the damn right to take a break after a personal situation happened to someone she loved. And I am here for her. I will always be. Our dear and loved followers are also here for her. You may not have seen it, but many of our followers left sweet messages wishing her well and cheering her up. You'll never bring this girl now. She's a breath of fresh air to this world.

And to your information, not like I owed you an explanation or anything, the reason why I didn't post anything on the last days, was because I'm finishing up a trailer for a new upcoming series that I have been planning for a month, thanks to Admin J who's been the most supportive bean ever, telling me all the time how'll great it will be and how much I can write a whole series on my own. Neo Culture Mafia wouldn't exist if Admin J hadn't started it from the scratches almost two years ago, thinking about every single little detail and putting her heart on every word. And as much as if feels empty and weird for me to do this without her, I will make her proud and I will make sure that the best writing Tumblr I've ever seen in my life keeps on going before she's fully ready to come back. She won't lose her followers.

I only wish you good. I wish you a good life, I wish you safety. I wish you love, true love. I wish you a couple of real friends. I wish you an environment that provides everything you need to get a decent nice life. I wish that you appreciate more the beauty in the small precious things in life. I wish you love yourself as much as we both love you, because believe it, we do love you. And I genuinely hope you're not hurting as much as I imagine you are. Whatever you need, I'm at @/souljaems ready to help if you want to talk or anything. Just don't be unnecessarily rude towards someone I care about. She doesn't deserve it.

To all of our followers, thank you for being so patient with me, and thank you so very much for all of your love and support to Admin J. I can assure you that all of your messages have helped her in a way you can't begin to imagine. We love you. Thank you for everything. I'll work harder to be worthy of all of this love someday.

#admin 💫

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lupinblacktheone · 3 years ago

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What we want, have and need - chapter 7

Notes: This is the seventh chapter of the of the Lawrusso and Sam/Robby long fic that I'm posting on AO3 and on Tumblr. You can read the next chapters on AO3 or the previous chapters on Tumblr (prologue; chapter 1; chapter 2; chapter 3; chapter 4; chapter 5; chapter 6) I hope you enjoy this!

The one where Robby gets a family

Sam isn’t sure if she wants Robby to leave. They had an amazing weekend, during which Daniel spent real quality time with his child. Anyway, she gives Robby a ride after school on Monday.

“Are you ok?”, she asks, even though she can see he’s far from ok.

“Y-yeah. I’m just…”

“What’s bothering you? You can tell me everything.”

“I know that”, he takes a deep breath, reminding himself that the girl by his side has been his best friend ever since they were kids. “I’m not sure he’s home. He didn’t even answer my calls.”

She squeezes his hand, smiling slightly. Her lips move quickly. Although he can’t hear it, Robby knows what she’s saying.

The kid gets out of the car and walks to the front door. Sam watches anxiously as he goes inside and tight-hearted, the driver opens up the passenger door again.

Robby sniffs, rubbing the back of his right hand on his nose.

“Take me home, please”, the boy shrinks on the seat.

And she does.

***

When Daniel comes home after work, he finds two plates and two glasses in the sink. He goes upstairs and sees light coming out from under the guest room door. His knuckles stop on their way to knock on the yellow wood.

“Hey, dad?”, Sam calls with a soft voice from the doorway of her room.

“Yes, baby?”, he turns to the girl and they enter her chamber.

They sit on the bed as they used to do when little Sam wanted to ask for help with something very important or hard to do.

She would like to take a deep breath and relax, like Robby does all the time, but she can’t. Her Cobra Kai instincts are too fast to allow it.

“Robby can stay with us until his father comes back?”

Daniel looks away from his daughter’s puppy eyes. He can’t afford to give in to them. It’s time to be a responsible adult.

“Of course I want to help him, sweetheart, but he’s not a pet for you to keep. He has a family of his own. He has to go back to them”, whoever they may be.

“His family wasn’t there for him.”

She’s telling the truth, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Johnny’s trying to be better. With a little bit of Sam’s help, he’s learning to be a good dad and someday, he’ll be such dad, Sam is sure of that. It’s just that… today, he’s being the world’s worst dad.

“He has nowhere to go tonight.”

Daniel sighs. What else could he do? Kick the kid out of his house? Not in a lifetime.

“Ok, he can stay for as long as he needs”, her eyes shine. “But I’ll try to contact his mother or his father, ok?”

“Thanks!”

Sam goes for a quick hug. Gee, it feels so good to be held by Daniel. It’s has been so long since the last time they hugged.

Daniel kisses her forehead and leaves the room. Before closing her eyes, Sam thinks about the huge problem she’ll have to solve ASAP if she wants things to go on as they planned.

Well, she’ll be able to work it out tomorrow.

***

The kids haven’t wake up yet when Daniel leaves to run around the block and do some quick morning shopping.

He comes back home with lots of bags from the supermarket. Still wearing his PJs, Robby jumps off the couch to help him carry the groceries to the kitchen. His quick fingers can’t avoid opening each one of the bags and checking out what they have inside.

Obviously, Daniel bought his favorite iced tea, Samantha’s favorite sparkling water… and a 6-pack of plaid soda. Sam despises it and Mr. L is “too good” to drink that industrialized filth beverage.

In fact, Robby knows only one person who enjoys drinking normal soda.

“What’s all this, Sensei?”, Robby’s brain doesn’t seem to be working properly right now. He’s sorry for the inconvenience.

“I’m giving these to a refugee”, the smile Daniel’s giving him is a hint of the way this conversation is going through.

“Refugee? Cool. Where are they from?”

“A shitty apartment near Reseda, I think.”

“You mean I can stay here with you?!”

Daniel nods, humming a chorus that Robby doesn’t know. They move around the kitchen, storing all the groceries. Sam comes downstairs, trying to decide if she should feel nervous or happy today.

“Morning, guys!”

“Hey, Sam”, they greet as she takes her place at the counter.

Daniel prepares bananarama pancakes, much to the kids’ delight. Suddenly, Robby says a magic phrase:

“You were a cute baby.”

That’s Daniel’s cue to tell him every single embarrassing story about his daughter. The girl tries to cover her blushing ears and face in her tee, failing miserably. As if it had been planned, Louie calls his cousin before he can get to the part in which Sam tried to flush her feet down the toilet – and she hadn't even read Harry Potter at the time.

Grumbling, Daniel answers the phone and gets immediately pissed. Smiling, Robby approaches Sam to laugh at her red face.

“Don’t worry. I like you even more now that I know you’re so adorable ever since the day you were born.”

“Someday, I’ll get Johnny to tell me all your baby stories. Mark my words.”

“I bet he has a dozen of it and would love to share them with you.”

“Sam?”, Daniel’s head pops out of the doorway. “I’ll have to get Louie at the precinct and solve some things, as always.”

“Ok, dad.”

When Daniel leaves on Sundays to solve Louie’s issues, Sam usually feels upset, because that was her only chance to stay around her dad. Now, she has to bury the fact that she’s overjoyed.

“C’mon!”, she hisses, dragging the boy to the backyard. “You said you’d help me with the training, remember?”

“Of course I do, but how can I be of help with these hands?”

The answer Robby gets is a discreet wink and a thug in his arm. Sam leads him to the pool house without saying a word. The boy is still somewhat afraid she’ll make a punch bag out of him, but all she wants him to do is holding the bag so her punches and kicks will be more precise.

“Your opponents in the tournament won’t stay still, you know?”, Robby speaks as if he was commenting the weather. “You should take it to the next level, then, you’ll be better.”

I know that!, she thinks, pretending her intelligence hasn't just been insulted. I just want to do something with you, dumbass.

“I guess you’re right. How about you help me do some sit-ups?”

And by help me, she means hold my feet. That’s what Robby does, because he promised to help her with whatever she needs, despite the fact that he doesn’t have anything better to do.

After long-lasting hours of training, Robby runs to the shower, claiming to be more tired and sweatier than her. Sam could protest against it. It’s not incorrect to say that she ought to protest, but while the girl opens her mouth, the boy is closing the bathroom door.

“C’mon, Robby!”, she knocks on the door. “Let me go first!”

He opens the door a smidge. There’s a victorious smile on his face and a towel around his waist.

“You live in a huge mansion with what? Seven bathrooms? I’m sure you can take your shower in one of them.”

“I hate you”, she hisses, before turning on her heels.

“Owwwn. I love you too, babey.”

She stomps up to Daniel’s bathroom. Missing her beauty shelf is kinda petty? Maybe, so she locks this feeling down on her chest and just enjoys the hot water on her back.

Sam is walking down the hallway, towel drying her hair when Daniel passes by her.

“Where’s Robby?”

“In the shower”, the bathroom door is pointed by her head.

“How about you and I cook the dinner?”

“Are you inviting me because he isn’t available?”, she makes a funny and ironic face.

“No, no, I just wanna spend some quality time with my second favorite child”, he messes Sam’s hair and leads her to the kitchen. “What do you wanna prepare tonight?”

Sam searches the Internet for Robby’s favorite recipe: stew meat sandwiches. And she assures to prepare a few extra so they can eat it for lunch tomorrow.

“So, what did Louie got into this time?”

“Oh, you know… things that would scandalize your grandma.”

“But we can’t tell her, or she’ll have a heart attack”, Sam chuckles.

***

In Elementary School, English teachers used to have the children write short essays about their weekends. Robby lied in most of the assignments – Sam helped a lot by lending him some of the fun things she had done and creating situations every now and then to “embellish” his compositions.

If he was back in his classroom, facing Mrs. Owen with a purple pencil on his hand – Sam gave him this pencil in his tenth birthday – trying to write about his time with the LaRussos, he wouldn’t have to lie; he wouldn’t even want to lie.

He has plenty of good moments to discuss, his favorite one being Sunday dinner. Not only because the menu is stew meat sandwiches, but also due to what he sees prior to enter the kitchen.

They are talking about that Louie guy. Sensei doesn’t seem happy with the situation; however, Robby can notice they’re having a pleasant time. The boy squats down by the counter and watches as Daniel lectures Sam on how to keep knives sharpen for a longer period. He stretches out to take a look at Sam’s face and recognizes her peaceful and relaxed self (she was a stereotypical eleven-year-old girl, made of smiles and ironic comments, but Robby liked her anyway), but there’s something on her face giving away that she isn’t quite following her dad’s word flow.

“Can you get Robby?”, he says at the end of his speech.

“Oh, sure.”

Robby sneaks out. Hopefully, he’ll get to the living room before she does. Factually, he barely has time to get on the couch and turn on the TV when she steps in and head-points the kitchen.

“Dad is calling.”

***

“We have to talk.”

It feels like a year has gone by since the last time Sam saw Miguel, although she had invited him and a bunch of the others for a training session last Saturday – don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything, they basically just sparred and goofed around in the dojo.

She follows him to the Cobras’ lunch table, noticing Hawk’s empty chair. As Sam sits down, Miguel has a serious glare on his face. Aisha can only guess he’s conducting an imaginary mafia meeting.

“You all are aware that Sensei is gone for four days now”, he takes a pause to stare at his mates. “I suggest we go looking for him.”

“Great idea”, Aisha’s eyes roll. “We don’t even know where to start looking, dumbass.”

“I think it’s worth a shot”, it’s Bert’s turn to speak. “It might be a nice group bonding activity.”

The Cobras debate the issue. Samantha remains quiet, thinking too fast and creating acceptable propositions, but for another matter.

“Whadda you think, Sasmy?”, a girl asks.

“I have better questions for you”, her chin rests on her intertwined knuckles. “Why isn’t Hawk here and why everyone seems to be so okay with this?”

“Well”, Mitch takes a look around the room. “He can’t be here ‘cause he’s there.”

Not everything changed in a three-day time. There’s still an unsaid rule in the cafeteria. You cannot sit with the Cobra Kais, Miyagi-Dos or with the Fists, unless you’re one of them. And there is Hawk: sitting between Tory Nichols and Yasmine Rose, laughing and joking as he used to do with Sam and Miguel. But now, he looks like a real jerk.

“I don’t get it.”

Sam marches up to that table and grips his shoulder, forcing the boy to face her.

“How dare you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“This bullshit of yours. Sensei is gone and you’re here with… them”, her eyes faulter to Kyler’s direction.

“Yeah, he is gone, so what? The man doesn’t even care about his son, then it’s not wrong to assume he doesn’t care about his students either.”

“It’s not his fault”, Kyler smirks. “If I had a kid like that Miyagi-Weirdo, I’d ghost him too.”

"You take that back. Now.”

Sam’s voice is no louder than a whisper, but shivers go down Kyler’s spine just the same. However, he doesn’t feel threatened, he feels encouraged.

“Fight me”, he approaches her. “Bitch.”

Even though he had literally invited Sam to do it, Kyler allows himself to be shocked when her foot hits him on the hips. People go “woooooow!” and pick sides. Kyler goes for her head, getting his opponent to fall over a table. She dodges his next punch and gets up as he cries in pain.

She sweeps him off his feet and kicks his knee. She could finish the fight with a iconic catchphrase, but she decides to go for an advice instead.

“You mess up with a Cobra, expect to get bitten.”

The girl takes a step, but doesn’t take another before saying to Hawk’s face:

“Traitor”, if her parents hadn’t raised her to be so polite, she would spit on him.

The Cobras are so loud that Sam can’t hear Tory’s promise:

“You’re so dead, LaRusso.”

#karate kid #Cobra kai #Johnny lawrence #Daniel LaRusso #lawrusso #Sam LaRusso #Robby Keene #Sam and Robby #Sam/Robby #Robby/Sam #Robby and Sam #writing #mine #fanfic #samrobby

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dmitri-smerdyakov · 5 years ago

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The Fantastic Beasts Franchise and JK Rowling

Alright, so...hi everyone.

I don’t know how many people follow this blog anymore because my main blog of operation is now @alwaysahiccupandastrid - I still try to keep this blog relatively active though, just because it was my original blog, I’ve had it since I was 13, and I have so many memories attached to it.

I’m aware that a lot of the people who follow me, especially since late 2016, do so because a) I was a loud and proud Fantastic Beasts fan, b) I wrote some Newtina and Jakweenie fic, and c)...I don’t know. I literally don’t know why people bother following me anywhere because I don’t feel like I have a lot to say. But, anyway, many people probably follow me due to Fantastic Beasts and my posts/fanfics within the fandom.

Those who follow my active blog will already know my feelings and thoughts, but because of the fact many things about this blog - me, the posts for the last four-ish years, the url itself - are Beasts related, I felt it was necessary to come and write an actual post here instead of just reblogging things and calling it a day. I’ve always been very outspoken online, but I’ve been avoiding a certain topic of conversation on this blog for years now, and I’m finally in a place where we can discuss it.

I am, of course, talking about the hot topic that is JK Rowling.

Back in the days between FBAWTFT and FBTCOG, I was a very outspoken defender of JK Rowling and her decision to defend Johnny Depp’s inclusion in the films. Now, this is something I still stand by to this day, and due to the evidence that has since come out, I’m even more steadfast in the opinion that keeping Depp was a great decision. I am fully in support of him and the way he’s currently battling against his abuser. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about right now. As I was saying, back in the day, I was outspoken about the opinion that “we don’t know the full story” etc., and as a result I received very colourful anon messages. Now, to my knowledge, none of these were about JKR being a TERF/transphone, but I think it’s important to mention that at the time I scoffed at the idea she could be one. I openly admit that I didn’t listen to what other people - including actual trans individuals - were saying about JKR and her transphobia because I frankly didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to admit that the person who wrote something that saved my life could be so hateful and a bad person - that, and at the time I passed it all off as “wokeness out of control”.

It is now 2020. Up until last Saturday night, I was still in support of JK Rowling - I didn’t agree with some of the stuff she had said, but I was trying to be positive and have hope by telling myself that she didn’t mean to be transphobic, that she just didn’t know what she was doing was wrong, even though the evidence clearly showed otherwise (I.e. her liking transphobic / radfem tweets). I said to my followers on my Beasts page that instead of cancelling people outright, we should be attempting to educate them instead, and if they choose not to learn then fine. And, being 100% obvious, I didn’t want to admit it because I frankly already was feeling annoyed at two different Beasts cast members for different reasons: Ezra Miller (for choking a girl) and Dan Fogler (for his tweet about BLM - admittedly that was probably him being well intentioned but not saying it right). So yeah, I didn’t want to cancel another member of the Beasts “family”.

I had JKR’s tweets on notifications, and for the most part over the last few weeks, it was all about the Ickabog. However, on Saturday night I noticed that she had suddenly tweeted something completely different, and I looked at it. Given that I had adamantly defended her and said “freedom of speech” for so long, it’s telling that my first thought upon seeing her tweet was literally “for fuck sake, Jo, why”.

I won’t post her tweets here but to sum that first tweet up, it was her being annoyed over the term “people who menstruate” being used in an article instead of “woman”, and mockingly saying “there used to be a word for that” before pretending she didn’t know the word. She knew that tweeting it would start arguments and anger, and yet she still made the decision to do so. Her follow up tweets frankly dug the hole deeper; she tried to defend herself by saying, to sum it up, “I have a butch lesbian friend who agrees with me” “I just care about women’s rights!” And “IF trans people were marginalised I’d march with you!” (“If”, of course, being the real kicker here because what do you mean IF. They ARE. Every DAY.)

Since then, JKR has written an essay on her website defending herself and her opinions, and yes, I read it. I read it a few times, in fact. At first, I felt my anger simmer and felt I had been too hasty to make anti JKR jokes, that I was wrong...but then I read it again properly and realised that what she had written was a piece that turned herself into the victim, and that despite putting on the appearance of her saying she supports trans people, including the phrases “I support trans people” and “of course trans women are real women”, she still spewed much transphobic vitriol and hate. She cited no sources for any of her proclamations or statements about statistics, implied that trans men transition to escape their “womanhood”, that trans women are men in dresses, that trans women are dangerous to “real” women (aka cis women) and shouldn’t be allowed into women’s changing rooms or toilets. There was also the autism comment, and the implication of autistic girls somehow not being able to make decisions or whatever.

I’m going to get straight to the point: I don’t support JK Rowling or her radical feminism.

As someone who is a proud feminist (libfem?), I can honestly say that never have I felt threatened or like I was being silenced by the inclusion of trans women in feminist spaces or conversation. Never. In my second year at sixth form, I was in charge of the LGBTQ+ club until a new leader with better leadership skills could step in, and - put simply - that year, the club was made almost entirely of first year transgender students. Even though I had called myself a trans ally for years, I realised there was a lot I didn’t know, and I learnt quite a lot from these students. I continue to still learn today. They were some of the nicest and most intelligent people I got the chance to meet, and I can truly say that at no point was I ever worried to be in a room alone with a trans woman, nor was I concerned about which bathroom they went in - bathrooms are bathrooms. Speaking of bathrooms...when I was at uni during a particularly tense rehearsal a few weeks before our final show last year, a guy in our group made me cry and I ran to the women’s bathroom to escape. Not only did the other girls come to comfort me, but you know what? The guy came in and apologised profusely to me. Did any of us girls give a shit about having a guy in our toilet? Absolutely not. It’s a fucking toilet. And, on that note, I was never worried about a trans woman or even a cis man attacking me in the toilets. You know who DID attack me in the toilets regularly? Other cisgender women.

As a feminist, I fully support trans women and am not threatened by the inclusion of trans women in women’s spaces or in women’s rights discussions. While I agree that cis women and trans women inevitably go through different struggles, at the end of the day, we all identify as women and are women. I think that if your feminism is so threatened by the existence of trans women - TERFs, RadFems, JKR, looking at you - then your feminism is flimsy and not feminism at all.

As a woman, I find it highly offensive that JKR and many RadFems focus so much of womanhood and feminism on an involuntary biological function that, frankly, many of us would rather do without. Yeah, I’m talking about periods - no matter how proud I am to be a woman, I still fucking hate periods and would get rid of mine if I could without erasing my chance of having kids someday. I can hear the RadFems accusing me of “internalised woman hatred” for saying I hate my periods, but you know what, they suck and they hurt and fuck them. The fact that JKR (also the the radfem movement) reduced “women” to just people who menstruate and can have children, and vice versa, is incredibly offensive and misogynistic. For a start, trans men menstruate, intersex people can, non binary can etc. Next, not even ALL cis women have periods - women who are menopausal, young women who haven’t started puberty yet (some do start very late), some women don’t have regular cycles, some women have medical problems that affect their cycle, some women are on birth control that can stop their cycles. So the idea of women being defined as “those who menstruate” is offensive not only to trans/intersex/non binary individuals but also to cis ones too.

As I write this, I’m a 22 year old woman who is still learning and changing every day, and one of the things that I’ve found myself thinking about recently - especially since we’re in lockdown and we have nothing BUT time to think - is about myself and my identity as a woman. What prompted this was when I saw Greta Gerwig’s adaptation of Louisa May Alcott’s beloved book, “Little Women”, which I’ve since read, for my birthday back in January, and I left the cinema feeling exalted and powerful with my own identity as a woman. (I’ll be returning to LW in a bit)

After some thinking, I’ve realised some things. For me, my identity as a woman is not just because once a month my uterus decides to shed; I do not identify as a woman just because I have certain physical features. I am not a particularly feminine person either, and I’m what some may call a “tomboy” (a phrase I actually don’t mind but I know a lot of people do for understandable reasons since it’s a phrase designed to differentiate people who don’t conform to society’s expectations etc) because I prefer video games and more geeky stuff to shopping or dressing up or make up.

For me, there is no one way a person has to be or appear in order to identify as a woman. Women are beautiful, complex human beings; we are not defined by our genitalia, by an involuntary biological process. Women are strong, intelligent, and interesting people - no two are the same. For example, some decide to raise families, some choose to pursue a career, some do both - all of these are valid and none are more “feminist” or “womanly” than the others, because it’s our as women. I guarantee that if you lined up every single woman in the world - cis AND trans - no two would be the exact same.

I mentioned “Little Women” earlier, and as I was pondering over what makes me identify as a “woman”, I thought a lot about a certain quote from the 2019 film that has stayed with me since it was first said in the release of the trailer. It’s spoken by Jo March to her mother, and I’ve started to understand what for me makes me a woman.

For me, being a woman is all of this: having minds, hearts, souls, ambition, talent, and being beautiful each in our own ways. Women are capable of love and empathy, capable of desire, capable of the most complex and human feelings and emotions, and coming out the stronger for it.

Sex is one thing; gender identity is another.

I won’t dissect every single thing JKR wrote in her essay, but I will just say this: her comments regarding autistic girls are extremely tone deaf and she does not speak for those with autism. I’m going to be honest and admit something here I haven’t before: I have not been diagnosed with autism or aspergers but I AM currently on the waiting list to see someone who COULD diagnose me. Apparently I show signs of a potential diagnosis, so...we’ll have to see. But I have friends who are autistic, and they’re disgusted by JKR trying to use them to support her TERF arguments. Autistic and other neurodivergent people are absolutely capable of making decisions and are NOT people who need to be babied or have their hands held, to be told who they are. It’s incredibly ableist of JK Rowling frankly.

I would also like to point out... I’ve seen people saying “but she doesn’t hate autistic people, Newt is autistic!!!” - yes, but JKR didn’t write him as autistic. Eddie Redmayne chose to play Newt as autistic - JK Rowling didn’t do shit.

It’s also time that I acknowledge that both Potter and Beasts inevitably hold JKR’s problematic views, and that by denying her ownership of her work, we’re not holding her accountable for the horrible things she’s done. This includes - but is not limited to -:

Anti-Semitic stereotypes in the goblins

Lycanthropy being used as a metaphor for AIDS - an illness that is heavily associated to the gay community, and also there was the panic of the AIDs crisis in the 90s where much misinformation and homophobia was generated and spread because of it.

Adding further to the lycanthropy point, one of the infected individuals - Greyback - is stated to have a sick preference for infecting children. Not only are werewolves tied to harmful gay/AIDs stereotypes, but also to the disgusting and frankly wrong notion that gay people are pedophiles.

The only Asian character is called Cho Chang. Cho Chang. That’s two steps away from outright just calling her “Ching Chong”. It’s not a name an actual Asian person would have.

The Goldstein sisters are probably distantly related to Anthony Goldstein, who JKR confirmed (on Twitter of course) is Jewish, meaning that Tina and Queenie are most likely Jewish too (and Goldstein is a Jewish surname). However, despite the fact that the first FBaWTFT is set DURING Hanukkah in 1926, there’s zero signs of them celebrating or observing it. Maybe that’s more on set design than anything else, but come on - if I, a fanfic writer, can do some research, JK/the crew of a major movie can too!

Adding on from that, gotta love how one of the JEWISH main characters then decides to join the Wizarding world equivalent of Hitler. I already had problems with Queenie’s characterisation in CoG, but that’s the icing on the cake.

POC/Black characters - in both series but since I’m a Beasts blog... Seraphina Picquery, a Black female president serving a term during a MAJOR wizarding world crisis, is severely reduced to have only 3 lines in CoG. Nagini’s only purpose is to be the only friend of Credence, a white man, before he joins Wizard Hitler and abandons her; she’s also an Asian character who we know one day permanently becomes a SNAKE, and who goes on to actually have a piece of Voldemort’s soul inside of her?? And some do see her as his slave, though you could argue that she’s actually the only being that he holds any love or respect for. Leta Lestrange is a half-black woman who is killed/literally sacrifices herself for TWO WHITE MEN, and who’s death was literally confirmed to have been added in last minute.

Also, the whole Lestrange storyline was fucking nasty: white Lestrange Sr imperius-ed a black woman (Yusuf Kama’s mother), raped her, and she then died in childbirth. I’m sorry, what the fuck??

In Harry Potter, Seamus is a terrible stereotype of an Irish person - he likes to blow things up. Look up the IRA and their bombings. Fucking Irish stereotype. As someone with Irish grandparents and who is proud of their Irish heritage, this really pisses me off.

Let’s not forget the whole Native American cultural appropriation. That truly speaks for itself.

So here is where I speak candidly to everyone who follows me and/or sees this post. While Beasts is no longer my No. 1 fandom these days, it and Potter still hold a huge piece of my heart. I have 5 wizarding world tattoos, so much merchandise, and I can safely say that being a fan of both series has shaped me as a person. Both of those series helped me get through the darkest days of my life, including bullying at school, my Nan passing away, and my mental health struggles.

This is why what’s happened has impacted me so much and broken my heart. For me, it feels like it’s tainted now because of Jo and her views. I know that we should separate the art from the artist, but when her views are so clearly woven into the very fabric of the Wizarding world, it’s a huge problem.

Here’s another part of the dilemma - I do not wish for the Beasts films to be cancelled. I’m well aware that the *cough* people who dislike me will say I’m trying to be negative, trying to boycott the series blah blah blah, but that’s truly the last thing I want. I still love the story, the characters, the soundtrack, and I want to know how it ends, if only for my own piece of mind. It’s also important to add that by boycotting Beasts, it’s also harming the hard working thousands of others who worked on the films: the cast, the crew, the extras, the musicians, etc., not to mention the fans who actually are invested in the series and have taken solace in it. It’s not fair for them to all suffer over the actions of one TERF.

This is one of my biggest worries, however: the Fantastic Beasts films do NOT have a good reputation as it is. The second film was boycotted by some due to Depp, and now there’s talk of people boycotting number 3 because of JK Rowling. Lots of people already talk hatred about it, and this will only fire that hatred up even more.

There’s also talk of Eddie Redmayne potentially being kicked from the franchise due to a “leak” that he doesn’t want to work with JKR anymore, but this could be sensationalist news reporting. But if it came down to it, I can honestly say that I would rather continue to have Eddie play Newt than keep JKR as a writer. Eddie has done more for Newt than even JKR has, and if he goes, then that will be the last straw for me within the fandom. That will be when I take a sharp exit out, sell my FB merch and have my tattoos covered.

To add, the Fantastic Beasts scripts are...not great. Or, at least, what we saw on-screen wasn’t. Maybe that’s David Yates being the literal worst (fuck you, Yates, you suck) and cutting all the parts with strong female characters, but I honestly don’t think that JKR can write screenplays well at all. I think she’s clearly better at writing books, and that’s fine - books obviously allow for more time to explore characters and story/plot arcs etc, and film scripts offer way less of those chances. I don’t think screenplays allow her to write what she needs to in order to tell the story she wants to, hence why CoG was kind of a hot mess. So maybe it’s just that she’s not suited for screenplays and should stick to books.

Honestly, I kind of just wish that WB would hire another person to finish writing the Fantastic Beasts movies - obviously they’d have to keep JKR on board to tell them the actual plot, but get someone who can actually write screenplays and not be problematic to write them.

By now I’ve gone on long enough that I’ve forgotten my original intent while writing this, so I’ll try to sum up and end now. In short, I am extremely disappointed in JK Rowling and do not support her or her views any longer.

I don’t know how any of you guys are feeling but I would be interested to hear other people’s thoughts, especially other Fantastic Beasts fans. I want to also add that, as always, my DMs and inbox are always open - if not here, then always at @alwaysahiccupandastrid where I’m more active nowadays.

Finally, you guys don’t need me - a white cis woman - to tell you this but you’re all valid and magical and fuck JK Rowling. Her characters would all be ashamed of her, and the characters we grew up with would not stand for the bigotry and vile hatred she spreads under the guise of ““protecting women””. Several of the amazing actors from Potter and Beasts have spoken out against her and her tweets: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Bonnie Wright, Katie Leung, Chris Rankin, Eddie Redmayne. Some have been...less inspiring (Tom Felton, Evanna Lynch, looking at you two 👀)

I’m sending love to everyone right now. I wish I could say something more useful but I’ve spoken enough - I’ve made my opinion clear. I love you all, please stay safe.

#fantastic beasts and where to find them #fantastic beasts: the crimes of grindelwald #jk rowling #harry potter

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sufferingink · 4 years ago

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Mixed up Miraculous AU Part3: flaws

a lot of my problems with the current show stem from characters not having flaws, or at least flaws that cause long standing issues throughout episodes. Marinette herself is a pretty good example of this to me, because her flaws are treated more like funny quirks that come up very little. Like with her almost kissing a wax statue because it looked like Adrien, haha so... so funny. so because no one asked for it, I’m going to write a full post detailing the flaws of some characters. (note: started writing this before the specials came out. might be irrelevant now)

Marinette Dupain-Cheng (the big one)

So you know how in canon, marinette tripping over something or walking into a wall is a gag that’s in like a grand total of 12 scenes per season? and that’s considered one of her major flaws??? It’s not! But I’m going to dial it up a bit so the contrast between civilian and superhero is incredibly obvious!! This makes her the one that’s the most cautious but also the one that can wave away injuries the easiest.

One of the more fleshed out aspects of her character is that she is always losing arguments. That sounds weird. It’s more like the reason behind why she loses them is fleshed out. Most of the people she argues with are very good at make people believe they gave them evidence when they really just handed them hot air. Marinette knows what they’re saying isn’t true, but is so lost in anger that she doesn’t even provide hot air. It makes her seem like she just expects people to believe her because she’s... Marinette. the goody two shoes(have you seen how much stuff she’s stolen?). the one that never lies (or is at least semi-okay at it). It’s kind of rude to have the belief that everyone should believe you because you’re you, but that’s kind of always how it goes in hidden role games sooooo... maybe she’ll be fine.

BURNOUT!!yay. marinette is constantly signing onto new projects and throughout this hypothetical series you could see it take a toll on her. she becomes irritable and her anxiety goes through the roof. Pumilio jumps from rooftops half asleep. It worries everyone around her. She is near constantly complaining about her workload but has convinced herself that taking even a day to recharge is being lazy

she carries around fabric and buttons everywhere. just kind of does, for some reason. Jumpp doesn’t care so..

something something kissing a wax statue because it looks like your crush isn’t cute it just makes you look creepy.

fuckin’ BAMBOOZLED by automatical doors, apparently.

Adrien Agreste

This kid has SO many trust issues and anxieties. He’s constantly aware that everyone trying to get close to him might just be doing it for fame (that’s why he’s more comfortable as a superhero. not much fame you could get from that). He’s constantly aware of his own appearance because he doesn’t want to upset his father. He worries that someday his friends will realize how much of a disaster he is and just... leave. Of course, he has to hide all of this (”worry wrinkles are bad for business”).

This dude can’t properly sit still to save his life. Not necessarily a flaw and more a character trait I guess? That’s why he looks so sad at homeschool. He wants to socialize, sure, but he also wants to climb a damn tree.

(this is one specific to this au) When the group discover the cat miraculous, Adrien was hesitant to take it. Pollen was one of his friends, and the only one he could really talk to about everything. Not to mention Pollen’s own worries, as most of their holders gave them up to become something different. he still took it, because the reasoning was sound and he had no real reason to deny it. But he never properly activated it. He didn’t want Pollen to feel like they were getting replaced.

He lets people off the hook far too easily. Doesn’t want the anger.

Alya Cesaire

For a reporter, she jumps to conclusions far too quickly. Barest amount of evidence and she will go reveal it to the world without even checking the sources (tip: check your sources. I can’t believe i have to say it). That being said, I do like the idea of her slowly piecing together the heroes’ identities. Like at the end of the first season,she makes a small comment about how much Adrien looks like Abeille and there’s little hints that she may be figuring it all out.

Gets frustrated with her friends easily because she knows they’re hiding something but she can’t tell what. Stupid AND terrible at lying? unacceptable.

kind of sort of really used to justifying invading other people’s privacy. She... really shouldn’t be doing that. stop, please.

Alya can’t ever force herself to do something. If she doesn’t like the work she’s given, she will either choose something adjacent to it, or will just straight up ignore it. Makes her grades suffer and her confidence in herself plummet

Nino Lahiffe

This kid just might be the most stable one here. He doesn’t overwork himself, he finishes his work on time, he’s relatively steady on his feet. but where everyone in his class is famous to some extent, nino just... isn’t. the most impressive thing he’s ever done is win an obviously rigged game show. He jealous, most days. When Marinette hands out free croissants, he’s thinking about how much he would have to pay for just one. When Alya’s complaining about how few people liked her posts, nino’s remembering the day where he finally hit 1k. Everytime Chloe uses her father’s influence for something petty, he remembers listening to his parents sob about not being able to afford their tiny apartment. he keeps it to himself.

He highkey feels like an outsider in his own life. (this might be triggering, I’ll put a funny summary at the end) Like maybe one day, he’ll wake up and everything will be perfectly fine without him. Pavonine will still be there, his friends, his family... none of them would ever even notice if he just sat in bed forever. Duusuu would probably notice and try to cheer him up, which would only make it worse.(hey, did I say the end? I meant right here. summarizing two sentences: Nino may or may not have depression. Duusuu may or may not be accidently making it worse.) Ironically, these days come most often when people notice him the most. Adrien straight up hands him four duct taped lunchables because Nino mentioned ants got into his food. Alya jokingly accuses him of being Pavonine for her blog (”He wears a SUIT, dude,” is really the only evidence he gives for it not being him. this somehow works). SOMEONE filled his locker paper frogs and Shrek Devito strickers (real thing. i have one on my desk). No one’s as surprised as he is when Mme. Bustier agrees to put them on well written papers.

kind of overbearing when it becomes to groups, but doesn’t like being the leader.

has this really terrible cough, hmmm I woNDER WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

Tikki (Kwami)

Gods, no matter how small and cute, work in absolutes. Their moral standing is no different. Tikki has particularly strong moral compass, and pretty much never sways in her belief. if her holder tries to use a lie she deems unnecessary, she will use her hold over them to voice her opinion in a less than savory manner (she’s a god, and she’s basically been in lockdown for one hundred years. She’s allowed to have a bit of a disconnect from what hurts)

Plagg (Kwami)

You know how in the last one I basically said that all Kwamis are all somewhere in the Good alignment? Plagg’s a straight up Chaotic Neutral. He wants his owners (and tikki) to be happy, but he’s only there for that. will happily leave as people stop yelling at him. He doesn’t hurt his holders, but he is very sarcastic.

Pollen (Kwami)

Very loyal, very quickly. they find their group and protect them to their final breath. Their holders tend to be offered better Miraculous and leave Pollen in the dust. They take this very personally, and refuse to work with that holder ever again. These holders have... not great endings, but Pollen refuses to feel guilt.

Duusuu (Kwami)

they basically have no control over their emotions, and tend to increase their holders emotions. More recently, their Miraculous has broken, and infects their host with some sort of strange sickness. They’re so determined to spot any symptoms that they miss their current holder’s worsening mental health.

Jumpp (Kwami)

They have gone so long without everything that they cling to it so tightly that they restrict change. When your holder very much needs a change, there’s tension. They try to force their holder to stay transformed, so they don’t throw away their miraculous.

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dearsubconscious · 4 years ago

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Warning: the following is a story of psychological/emotional/narcissistic abuse that may be hard for some readers.

Finding the right emotions to say

Some context is needed before you continue reading. This is an introduction to my new Tumblr account and an overview of how my story started. I originally wrote this in May of 2019. When I wrote this, I was trying to get out all of my thoughts during a very dark time. I wrote this over the course of weeks of sleepless nights when my mind wouldn’t stop running. It may read a bit disorganized, but I wrote it as a way to explain to the people that matter to me what I had come to realize about myself. Only two people have read it prior to me posting this, neither of which are my family members. I am still not comfortable with any of my family knowing about this and I have never really talked about many of the details of what happened out loud, even to the two people that have read this. Many of my specific memories are not included in this story...some were just too brutal for me to even write out without completely mentally breaking down at the time. I have decided to start telling my story as a way of mental therapy. Even if nobody on here reads this all of the way through, it will help me mentally just to organize my memories and thoughts. I hope that I can also open a discussion on a sensitive and (I believe) very overlooked topic, hard as it may be to talk about. If you have found yourself in a similar situation, I truly hope that have a better present and/or future. I wouldn’t wish this mental torture on anyone. As you will see in posts that follow this one, I will explain how the long term effects of the mental damage have caused persistent problems with my relationships with all people that matter to me, my working life, my financial stability and my overall health. This is a long read, but here it goes:

Please read all of this carefully and in its entirety. Its long and it will be uncomfortable to read, but it’s very important to me. I would prefer that it be read all at once, which may take a little while, so if you don’t have time to soak it all in, please save it for another time.

My mind goes around and around in very vicious circles of emotions. I feel...well...a lot...is all I can describe in simple terms. That just doesn’t cut it, though. I keep telling myself that I’m probably insane. I don’t know if I just don’t want to believe it, if I’m just hurting that bad, if I’m in shock or if there is something deeper than that that I just don’t understand. I’m not sure if I know what to feel or believe anymore because my own mind has been keeping an enormous secret for years...

I know who I used to be and who I want to be and for years I have been upsetting myself on a nearly hourly basis because I can’t figure out why I behave the way that I do in many normal situations. I know what the right thing to do is in almost every case, but I can’t seem to be able to do the right thing most of the time anymore. The most logical explanation, until very recently, was just to blame it on regular stress. It seemed too obvious, yet it has a very empty and incomplete generalization of what I would actually be feeling. I have continued with my habits and behaviors very frustrated with myself every time, which is usually many times daily. I spend a lot of time contemplating why I don’t feel okay even though so many things are going well in my life. It’s like I’ve been living very much in a haze and I don’t believe or understand who I am.

The impulsive eating, nagging need to always be doing something special or interesting, yet always coming up short or simply doing nothing at all (and knowing the whole time that there was always something else that I needed to be doing to be more “responsible”), impulsive buying, and, above all else, the incredibly infuriating mental “freeze” that has seemed to be ever present in everything that I do. Most prominent were the “freezes” in my passions, in tasks that are incredibly important and almost anytime I have to make a decision. Not following through on so many things and seeming apathetic about the task of finishing. I would, again, just tell myself that it’s from stress, but I always knew that this was simply not true. Most people use stress as a motivator to get things done, but not me. I, for some reason, find myself doing the exact opposite. This leaves me very frustrated, empty, and numb.

I stress eat a lot and this, coupled with other bad habits feel impossible to break even though I very much mentally want to. I “freeze” at the moment that I should make a better choice and feel great anxiety when faced with the decision. I usually end up doing nothing at all, or doing the wrong or bad thing, thinking that it’s just easier and thoughtless. I hate myself for it. I really do believe that I can and will get better someday; that I will be much healthier; that I will work out regularly; that I will be productive every day, but instead I fall victim to my own mind almost every time...

Years ago, small physical/mental changes started happening to me that I couldn’t explain; long before the seemingly learned or self-induced behaviors that I just explained.

I was always a night owl, but through most of my childhood and early teenage years I would do it on purpose to do things like watch movies, play video games, etc. As I grew older, however, it started happening without a desire to. I was very alarmed by this at first. I couldn’t sleep even though I tried hard to; even though I was tired and exhausted; and I would fight very hard to change my poor sleep habits. I started to believe that maybe I had caused my own insomnia from staying up late as a kid, but there was a very different...anxious...feeling underneath it.

Through most of my school years I had been an eloquent speaker and writer. I would get compliments on it from teachers, family, family friends and strangers frequently. However, during high school I began to trip on my words at times and I would have to find simpler words to use when speaking and writing. I thought for years that this was attributed to my lack of sleep. Maybe it was. But this started to feel like a chain that didn’t make sense, as it couldn’t be attributed to simple stress, but was undoubtedly connected.

I’ve always been a very...very...patient person. I remember my step mother said years ago that I have an “old soul.” She described me this way as a compliment to my patient, calm, wise and passive demeanor in everything that I do. So when I began experiencing deep anxiety that would violently wake me up in the middle of the night during my few hours of sleep, I was very alarmed. I noticed that my attention span began getting shorter. In more recent years, I began lashing out, breaking my calm and passive personality. I get uncharacteristically angry or upset with little things that never bothered me before and do it visibly for those around me with immediate and harsh behaviors. I despise this more than almost any other behavior that I have. I feel that I’ve lost control when it happens and I immediately regret it. It isn’t who I am...

As time has progressed into full adulthood, I have found even the simplest of tasks incredibly hard to be motivated about. The “freeze” began spreading to things such as picking up something that I dropped on the floor. I would feel very anxious about the task of picking it up but truly frozen from simply picking it up for long periods of time because my brain would just go around in vicious circles of stress. I became a messy person. I was no longer able to prioritize tasks in my mind in a proper manner. It’s incredibly embarrassing when I get caught in a mental freeze as it is, generally, pretty visibly obvious on my face. And, as recent as the last few months I have been struggling much more deeply with words when speaking. I will start to say something and know exactly what I want to say, but it seems as though my brain is working much faster and cluttered than my mouth. I won’t be able to get out a full word or phrase. The words will very literally slur together in my mouth and no matter how hard I try I am unable to say it properly. Even if I try to slow my words way down I can’t get it out. It’s like a mental block between my brain and mouth. It’s mentally very frustrating and painful.

I feel that I have lost the ability to fight most of my impulses, leading me to eat poorly and a lot, spend a lot, laze around in a fog a lot, etc. I know that this deeply frustrates those around me and I hate it when it does. I want to change my habits and impulses, but it mentally just isn’t that easy for me...I’ve needed help with this for years and I just don’t know how to admit it or face it. I also don’t know how anyone would actually help and asking for help feels very weak and stupid...

Under pressure from difficult situations or pressure-driven decisions, I freeze in a way that infuriates those around me and it infuriates even my self very deeply. Sometimes my freeze causes me to make a wrong or bad decision almost unconsciously. This leads me to a dark, swirling set of emotions about my self, especially when I’m called out for my wrongdoing.

I’ve also had a very low self esteem for quite some time that has been ever present in all aspects of my life and overcoming it at times is incredibly difficult. I have become a very shy, easily embarrassed, easily uncomfortable person for things that should excite me or bring joy and I just can’t seem to get passed my self-made walls. And I hide these insecurities as best as I can so that nobody knows that I’m actually in very bad mental distress at any given moment...which has been more often than not for a while...

I’ve had a deep and growing feeling of confusion and despair. I used to be very depressed in middle school and high school that I was sure I had gotten past, but I’m not sure anymore. I knew that I had been through the worst feelings of my life, but it seems to all be coming back to haunt me in a very different way that I never could have imagined. And I’ve been very lost and numb from my confusion over what has been happening to me.

I have spent years trying to justify my actions and behaviors to myself as “stress” or something similar simply because I have had no idea what has been happening to me...

Then something occurred that sparked something sleeping much deeper in my subconscious than any of that...

A little over two months ago a random video came rolling through my Facebook feed about physical abuse in a specific relationship in England. This happened recently and I believe that it said that this was the first case where a female was charged with physical assault for abuse in a relationship against a man in the UK. I haven’t seen or read much about true abuse in relationships, so I watched the whole short video to understand the specifics. It told the story of what happened to the boyfriend and how it went almost unnoticed by everyone even with glaring signs and such seeming-apathy from both the man and the woman about his constant injuries. He would make up stories to everyone including the police and hospitals about his injuries because he feared for his life. One day recently, the police were called to their residence for a yelling-noise complaint made by the neighbors. Upon arriving they found the man bloody on the stairs, and he told them that he tripped and fell and hit his head (because his girlfriend was in the room). They agreed, aided him, but immediately noticed the many other injuries that weren’t as new and they recognized the signs right away from experience. Through some coercing, they managed to pull him outside, away from his girlfriend, and got the real story from him. She had been manipulating, threatening, hitting and cutting him on a daily basis for years since nearly the beginning of their relationship to control him and trap him. The police officer that spotted the signs and made it a point to bring out the truth and knew that he would be more likely to talk about it away from the girlfriend because he was afraid for his life.

I couldn’t comprehend going through such obvious physical trauma and nearly being overlooked. I am thankful that I have never been physically abused. I immediately scrolled on and distracted myself with some video of planes, I’m sure.

But for the next several days I kept thinking about that video and story and I couldn’t get this weird feeling out of my head about it. I couldn’t place it at first but it began to remind me of the overarching confusion and despair that I have been feeling for a long time about my self. It felt very...not at all nostalgic...but familiar... It started to become far more clear from there...

I immediately began researching and reading. Perhaps too much at times...

My mom has been going through abuse for years with my step father in multiple forms and though I have subconsciously, and even quite consciously known that it was occurring, I think I was too afraid to research the specifics of the abuse. The subconscious side of my brain must have been telling me not to because I was too afraid of what I would find for a very different reason...

For over four years I was very brutally psychologically/emotionally abused every minute of every day.

Sxxx (blocked for anonymity) (a name I rarely use, because I have subconsciously wanted to block it out for the rest of my life) did far more than a little bit of manipulation to control me and everything about my life. I know this was probably somewhat apparent to most people around me but the abuse was much deeper and more prevalent than anyone could have ever known or imagined...and more than I noticed or wanted to admit to myself... She did so many things, big and small, blatant and subtle, in public and in private (mostly), that completely destroyed me mentally. I think that I blocked out each incident as best as I could and I became very visibly numb but subconsciously extremely damaged with every passing day.

As this realization began to sink in, after the Facebook story, I went into a state of emotional shock that has had me trapped in a very vicious circle of negative emotions. I began researching deeper into it and reading a lot of articles, news and health journals, Wikipedia pages, news stories, blogs, etc. that drove home the realization. But I wanted to have some sort of immediate validation of this, so I searched for quizzes by mental health organizations that help individuals determine if they are in an abusive relationship. The first quiz had a long series of “yes” or “no” questions. I read every one very carefully and took the quiz as honestly as I could, treating it as though I was still in a relationship with her and reliving the way I was treated, digging up memories that I didn’t even know that I have...and I definitely don’t want to have. When I finally reached the end, it gave a percentage score of the likelihood that I was abused... 98.8%...

The only reason that it wasn’t 100% was because the only question that I answered “no” to was a question pertaining to children and houses, which we obviously never shared.

I took another, shorter test and scored a 92% for very similar circumstances. It’s true that what I experienced wasn’t physical abuse like the story that I read, but it is, basically, absolute that I was psychologically/mentally abused for years and, while it generally doesn’t come with standard PTSD, as the world knows it, like physical abuse does, it can be seen as more serious and have much worse long term effects that tend to go mostly unnoticed, but are extremely detrimental over time...according to the research that I’ve done anyway...and which I am finding that I believe from experience... I found in the research that I have most of the long term symptoms and a lot of my behaviors and tendencies are tied to mental changes that happened during those years...

The emotions and shock came rushing in like nothing I’ve ever felt. It began with a deep upsetness, followed by a deep anger. How could I have let that happen? Why didn’t I realize this years ago? Who am I actually because of this?

The research didn’t help. I started to tell myself that it can’t be true out of pure denial, reinforced by the research. Many articles and pages seemed to have a consensus that males arent typically affected by abuse in a deep way like females and are so overwhelmingly usually the perpetrators of abuse that psychological/mental abuse against males is seen as essentially non-existent. Only four pages that I read of the dozens agreed that abuse can happen equally to any gender, in any relationship and have equal effects. But, in order to read more about symptoms, long term effects and how/why abusers abuse, I had to read articles/stories about male abusers.

I started to feel like I was crazy. Like I wasn’t supposed to feel any feelings about what happened to me. Like I was supposed to pretend that it didn’t happen at all. It feels oddly sexist of me to believe that this happened to me, and also weak of me to believe that I was so brutally abused and mentally scarred because of how so many pages and people made it a male-against-female-only situation. Maybe it is very sexist and weak of me and I need to just bottle it all up as if I never knew what happened (I essentially have been for years anyway)...maybe I am just crazy and remembering things wrong or imagining things... I know that there are many people out there that are abused and are/were in far worse situations than I am...including my own mom. I don’t know... it all just feels so...confusing and intimidating...and too much for me to understand or handle... This feeling is very reinforced by the way I was and always have been treated as a “pushover” by many people for what happened during those years... I know that I wants, but it’s far more complicated than just being a “pushover”...

Maybe not all of the issues that I listed early on in

this...whatever-you-want-to-call-it are related to what happened to me, but the more I am piecing things together, the more I am finding that it was likely the brutal subconscious driving factor in all of it. I’m far too embarrassed by it all to bring it up in person or face it and I feel very foolish and selfish to blame all of my problems on something that happened years ago, but it actually makes a lot of sense...

It’s very frustrating, as well, that every medical page that I read was about actively being in an abusive relationship and their solution to every problem was always to change the way the abuser behaved in the relationship or end the relationship entirely and that should just fix everything... yet they also all agree that there are long term effects, water the relationship has ended, that can last for years or even the rest of a persons lifetime that they just don’t discuss solutions for...

The biggest problem of all is, now knowing all of this about my likely-abuse, I still don’t know how to move forward and progress past all of these issues that I have now. I almost regret knowing more than not because it has made my emotions much stronger and more confusing. I don’t want this to define me or keep ahold of me and everything that I do, but it’s a constant battle against my own brain that I just can’t seem to win...especially as the bad memories start flooding in uncontrollably...

She used to make me believe that all problems were my fault, that I was never good enough, never would be good enough, and that I should give up on everything because I was wasting everyone’s time, energy and life including mine with my “stupid and ridiculous” ideas, hobbies, activities, etc. and I “wasn’t good at any of them anyway.” I was treated as though any decision that I made was a bad one, a wrong one, a stupid one... she would manipulate me into joining things or going to things so that she would look better than me to everyone there and try to make it look as though I didn’t care or that she was the victim...

For the entire four years I had to be in constant contact (usually by text) within every 5 minutes at most to prove that I wasn’t ignoring or “cheating” on her. If I didn’t answer within five minutes I usually received a text that read “bye” to make me feel abandoned, worthless and guilty. It would make me feel as though I had been ruining her life. I would be constantly (usually a dozen times a day or more) having to apologize and explain myself. She would usually continue to ignore my long pleading messages for several hours or even until the next day, then either pretend like nothing ever happened, or say that I owe her. She would always claim that because I didn’t text back that I missed out on something big or important to her and that I must be cheating on her or simply didn’t care about her. No matter how much I would say or very visibly show that I cared she would treat me as though I was still very wrong. I was never once put first in her life. I could handle not ever being first, but to be not only far from first, I was, instead, constantly put down as though I was the bane of her existence. I went very out of my comfort zone and disobeyed rules, teachers, family, etc. to “make it up to her.” This was incredibly beyond my character but she would put me in a very dark and anxious place nearly hourly. She used my extreme patience and sympathy against me by keeping me trapped in a destructive cycle. I would have to leave home when I wasn’t supposed to or miss so many important events with my own friends or family without permission to walk to her house and apologize in person, only to be shunned initially at the door.

She made me join the speech and debate team. I probably could have been good at it too... she made sure that I was part of her group, but that I wouldn’t actually participate in the group. Any part that I had was to be done away from the group with no understanding or explanation of what I was tasked with. I was isolated from everyone and everything happening. When I would have to rejoin the group the day before a debate I would be barated and torn down by her followed by the rest of the group because I did everything wrong. We went to several debates and at one of the very first ones I made a small and simple mistake in the debate against a team from another school that I didn’t know I had made because I was never taught. She got visibly mad immediately, even with the judges and opponents in the room. As soon as that debate was over, she stormed out of the room with no explanation and walked back to the waiting area without saying a word to me. As soon as I arrived (shortly after her), I immediately found her ranting to her friends and our classmates in front of everybody else about how stupid I was and how I ruined the debate for her and our whole school. She cast me in a very bad light and made it sound as though the mistake was so simple that I must be a “complete idiot” to make it. She went on about this for about an hour, even stretching the conversation to neighboring opponent schools seated nearby. And any time I would try to step into the conversation to defend my self she would angrily cast me off to a secluded table away from them and everyone for the rest of the day. She took away my phone and anything else that I had claiming that I didn’t deserve it because of my screw up (something that she did often with phones and other meaningful objects). I tried to hold hands with her and plead with her on the two hour car ride home in the back of her dads car but she would angrily refuse with the silent treatment all the way until I was dropped off. It didn’t matter how many times that I would agree with her that I was “stupid” and “worthless”, she would still treat me as though I was even lower than that.

At every school dance that I attended with her, she would immediately leave my side to go find friends. Every time I would catch up with her she would leave me again to find a different friend for no other reason than just to find them. She would do this to control me, make me feel abandoned and make sure that I was always paying attention to her and nobody else, isolating me from everyone, even in a large crowd of people that I know. And as the night would go on she would begin to tell people that I was ignoring her because I wouldn’t stay right with her (because I couldn’t keep up or I wouldn’t immediately notice that she silently left again) and I must not care about her, even though I would spend the entire time in a mad dash back and forth trying to find her, never having time to stop and talk to anyone that I knew that was trying to talk to me. She or someone would spill something on me by accident but she would just laugh and usually make it worse somehow (spilling more on me, finding people to embarrass me for being a klutz to, etc). If I accidentally spilled something on her or even near her it was a guarantee that she wouldn’t talk to me or pay attention to me for the rest of the night. I was always expected to pay for everything and drop off jackets and pick them up and carry her stuff everywhere, but never received any kind words or gestures, as was true for everything and everywhere we went for the whole four years. I was young and very naive about relationships at first, so while I thought it was strange, I just thought that I was being polite and gentlemanly and showing that I cared, but I was very much told and shown the opposite, which became far more obvious over time. It was simply expected and if I didn’t then she would use it as a reason to prove to others (and to me in our many daily arguments[consisting mostly of her yelling and saying incredibly rude things to me while I would spend a lot of time apologizing]) that I am a rude person who doesn’t show that I care.

One day, we had gone to a movie with her little sister at the movie tavern and, after the movie, we had lots of time to kill before the bus came to take us home so they decided that they wanted to go to kohl’s. We wandered around for a while and eventually ended up in the jewelry department. As usual she was trying to lose me in the store as a “game” much like she would do at dances or...well...anywhere public that we would go, really. The aisles were very small in the jewelry department and I turned a corner too quickly, very seriously trying to keep up with her to avoid the claim that I “left her because I didn’t care” and, in doing so, I accidentally stepped on the back of her heel and “flat-tired” her shoe, so-to-speak. It was minor and I almost didn’t even noticed that I had done it but she immediately yelled “ow” and screamed at me and threw something at me. It left a small red mark on her heel that she showed everyone. She claimed that I abused her and she claimed that to everyone, including her family and mine for years after that. She made me pay for everything that her and her sister had picked out at kohl’s and made me change my plan (to just go home) and instead walk them all the way back to their house (about 2.5 miles) carrying everything. They walked ahead of me about 15 feet the whole way to their house and spent the whole time making fun of me and barating me.

Her and her family tried very hard to make me change religions. They made me watch many documentaries and shows about their religion against my will and they even brought several holy figures and very religious friends to their house for special occasions just to try to convince me that their way was the only right way. They would ask me a lot of derogatory questions to make me feel stupid for not believing or participating. They would make me participate in things that I knew nothing about and didn’t want to do. I respect their religion, as I do everyone’s, and politely tried to abstain but she would get very mad, again claiming that I must not cares out her, then, and make me participate. I attended every special occasion that I could for her and her family. I even spent an entire Christmas Day away from my family and the traditions/plans that we had made so that she could make me watch her and her family open their gifts and partake in their traditions. This would have been okay if I had been seen as welcome, but instead, since I wasn’t part of their religion, I was intentionally isolated the entire day, especially by her. And the gifts that I had bought for her she wasn’t very fond of, so she would trash talk about them and how I could have done better and how I must not care about her at all because the gifts proved that I “didn’t know her at all” even though she would keep them and wear them (jewelry) or display them (souvenirs, stuffed animals, etc). She would pry at my insecurities to make them worse and make me feel like her life was miserable because of me.

Marching band meant the world to me, as did flying and filmmaking. She hated all of these things about me because they were things that she didn’t participate in, didn’t enjoy and were things that would take my attention away from her for a bit. She would constantly say things like “well why don’t you just quit school and break up with me to go be in the marching band, then.” That’s a very light attack compared to many that she had said to me on a daily basis and she meant them in a very serious and derogatory way to make me feel bad for participating in the things that I love. She only attended one marching band event throughout the entirety of high school but she wasn’t actually there to cheer me on. She managed to pull that facade off for my family and friends while she was there, but she slowly started isolating me from the band and all other people as the night went on so that she could keep control of me and my life. At any other time (all other performances and rehearsals throughout high school [including band concerts]) she would get mad immediately if I brought them up in conversation and when I was actively at them because she saw them as optional things that I was participating in because “I cared about them more than her”. She never attended any other event because, even though I would invite her and her family well in advance, I would remind her the week of or week before and she would claim that I never invited her and that it was way too late, she had something else to do during those times or simply wouldn’t attend out of spite. She would make me believe that I hadn’t invited her sooner and that I was crazy and stupid for thinking that I did. She argued with me on a daily basis about how I cared about band and filmmaking more than her even though I began giving up those parts of my life for her and I would break the rules and secretly pull my phone out all of the time to message her to keep “checking in” and keep her relatively calm while in class, at rehearsal, during concerts, etc...though she was always mad anyway. I attended every choir concert and IB event; church and family event that she had and cheered her on whole heartedly...hoping that she would be happy that I was there. Instead I would get ignored, not introduced to people I didn’t know, and constantly made fun of whenever possible...

Her strangle hold on my life may sound like something I could just walk away from at any time, but it was far more complicated than it seemed. Her and her family found ways to subliminally, and very forwardly, threaten me into staying in the relationship on a daily basis, again using my patience, sympathy and insecurities against me and degrading me like I was too naive and stupid too understand how to be in a proper relationship so they needed to teach me. I was, in fact, very naive because I believed them (specifically her) and believed that giving in to their lives, lies and treatment was for the better.

I hated myself and believed that I was a truly bad person in every way. I believed that I owed her and her family the world and my life. When I would tell her that I was in distress, she would just tell me that I should “go kill myself, then.” I subconsciously knew that a lot was wrong but I saw no way out but to try even harder every day, actually making my mental state/scar significantly worse every day...nearly leading me to a very different way out...

She always tried to make me plan dates that I couldn’t afford or wasn’t capable of doing at that age because I always “owed her one” for everything that I do wrong. I planned three dates in a row one time and she didn’t like a single one of them. Quite in the contrary. She told me flat out that she hated them and hated my ideas because they were childish, stupid and she didn’t like participating in the types of things that I had planned. These included a picnic, a nice dinner and movie with frozen yogurt at her favorite place, and an active date to jumpoline. She made me feel like I didn’t care; like a failure; like I didn’t know her at all; like I was stupid. She, of course, told everyone that we knew or met for weeks about how horrible I was at planning.

We had several classes together throughout high school, mainly French. She always made sure that I was aware that she knew French better than me and that my experience didn’t matter. If I tried to correct her when she said or wrote something incorrectly, she would get very angry; tell me, very seriously, to “shut up” and usually ignore me for a while. She would always try to be in a group with me in activities in that class but, just like speech and debate, she would isolate me from the group right away and insult me every time that I got something wrong. This morale destruction happened so frequently, slyly and subliminally that I believed that I was bad at everything and so I began shutting down in every class and activity that I took in high school, participating in activities less and less. I stopped doing homework for fear that I was always wrong and had no understanding, which was constantly reinforced by my poor testing and grades. At the time I truly believed that I was just stupid and couldn’t understand anything in school, not knowing that it was all in my head and I just wasn’t ever fully engaged ever again. I felt very left behind in school. Something that has always pained me very much...

This, of course, all came to a head on homecoming night of senior year. The night started at her house for photos where the attention was, no doubt, completely on her and how she looked. I wore one of my dads nice shirts, and, though it wasn’t the nicest shirt, it was what I had and what we could afford. For years, she had been buying dresses and sending me samples of the colors to force me to match her. She would refuse to help me pick anything out and I couldn’t afford to keep getting new outfits to match every special occasion. This time I had chosen my dads shirt because, even though it wasn’t a perfect match for color, it was a complimentary color. It was a nice shirt but it wasn’t the perfect shirt, which was made clear to me right away. She was immediately mad as soon as she saw me. She was quick to insult my outfit and so was her family. They felt that I looked like trash, that I have no class or style and that I didn’t care about her especially on special occasions. I was constantly reminded about that every time we encountered another person throughout the night, as she insisted to everyone that I didn’t care, which was obvious because I “didn’t try at all to match her and my shirt was awful”... This put me in a bad place from the get go.

We went to my dads house for a nice home cooked meal that I picked out and she, of course, hated. She didn’t eat much of it and very blatantly didn’t finish or clean up or have any gratitude for.

After dinner, my dad had offered to take us to the school for the dance. She didn’t like this idea because she hated my family very blatantly and picked out a few key things that my dad had said in the car on the way to the dance to immediately throw in my face as soon as we got out. My dad can definitely be abrasive, but that night he had actually been incredibly pleasant and kind to her all the way until we dropped her back off at home that night, so there was extremely little for her to be angry about, but she latched onto something and threw it in my face in front of everybody standing in line to get into the dance. She stormed off without me with her ticket to find one of her friends in line. I couldn’t find her so I had to enter the dance alone. As soon as I found her inside, she threw it in my face that I left her alone... the dark place grew so much stronger. She dragged me to do photos with one set of friends, then immediately abandoned me on the dark dance floor to go find different friends for no reason other than to make me chase her. I looked for her for almost a half an hour, but couldn’t find her, so I found some friends at a table in the cafeteria to sit with and calm down. Not even five minutes after that, she shows up and yells at me in front of the friends about not caring, abandoning her, how terrible I look and how I am an all around terrible boyfriend and person. She then found a way to quickly convince our friends to scramble away with her again to go find other friends, leaving me alone at the table...

I didn’t get up and chase her that time...

I sat and stared at my phone for the rest of the night as though I was doing something important as best as I could to cover up the fact that I was in an extremely dire mental state. I was just staring at a blank phone in all actuality. But the plan worked. Nobody talked to me or noticed me for the rest of the night. When she finally came back a long while later, alone, she only came to request that I call my dad to come get us and take us home. I did so, then made one final plea for help to her without being too obvious about my distress so that I wouldn’t leave myself open for an attack for being “stupid” or “weak” about my emotions, but she ignored me, as usual, and sat in silence. We left in silence and dropped her off in silence.

That night, I got home and immediately got into PJs...barely...said goodnight to my dad and step mother, thanking them for all that they did that night and went to bed. I lay my head down and wanted nothing more than for the mental torture of myself (believing that I was a horrible person and I ruined her life and her important night again) to stop and stop for good, so I buried my face in the pillow and pinched my nose as hard as I could, thinking that I could smother myself and it would at least look like somewhat of an accident. Only moments later I passed out...

Fortunately, I had rolled away from the pillow and had managed to breathe again. I didn’t wake up until the next morning, however. I woke up very dazed and confused. I wasn’t sure that what I had done the night before was actually real but it very slowly sank in as I lay in bed for hours, slowly thinking. I was lucky to be alive and, though that was a very stupid and ineffective way of thinking of killing myself, I realized that my thoughts were so clouded that night that I didn’t have time to contemplate a better way. I knew that if this continued that I eventually would, which actually scared me literally almost to death because it’s not who I am. I didn’t understand then why I had decided that I had decided that this was the best course of action that I could possibly take. I thought that I was just generally depressed and that I was overall terrible at life. I didn’t understand what was actually happening at all but I knew that something had to change. I immediately began planning a long, difficult, but desperate plan to leave her. Subconsciously I knew that it was the right thing to do, but I never full understood why I knew it would make things better...maybe that makes me very naive...but that’s just the truth...

When I finally did leave her, it was a very messy situation, but I felt very liberated. I was very foolish and rash in everything I did for a while because I was so mentally damaged from such a long period of abuse. I had no idea that was what was going on, though. I felt better, but not right. I thought that I would feel like I was always supposed to. Like I would be healthy and smarter again. However, I actually felt very hollow and damaged. I didn’t know why and I definitely didn’t realize that the scar was so deeply created... It never went away...and perhaps got much worse over time, in fact, as it’s had time to brew subconsciously without me knowing.

These are only very few of the incidents and daily torments that I was put through. I didn’t realize how much pain it had actually put me in or how much pain it would continue to cause me for years. I never really knew why I wanted to kill myself over something so seemingly small. I guess, in a way, I knew subconsciously all along, but never wanted to pick at the details because it hurt too much as it was...

One of the things that has picked at me the most in recent years is how my mom views me. She believes that my high school struggles and my messiness and my lack of motivation are all learned behaviors from her because of the way she behaved and that my step father had put us both down to, which she believed was her fault for keeping him around. I always knew that this wasn’t true, it wasn’t her fault. The situation with my step father definitely didn’t help, however, I couldn’t help but feel that it wasn’t her fault or even his fault. I never could tell her that I disagreed, though, because I didn’t have an answer for why I am who I am and I have behaved the way that I have or why my high school years went so poorly. But, in these last couple of months I have realized that I actually had all of the negative behaviors and thoughts that I have described before she did and that it isn’t learned from one another at all. I realized that my years of brutal abuse started before hers and she has been going through it too now with my step father, and we just both react to our abuse in a similar way. I feel really guilty for not realizing this sooner and helping her understand and feel better about who I am and how I have turned out; that it’s definitely not her fault. She has taken so much out on herself about my life and it makes me very depressed. But I don’t know how to confront her about this now, because I don’t think that she will believe me or understand; at least not for many years after her relationship with my step father is over.

I am very broken and depressed and angry with myself and upset and...so many other feelings from this shock of realization of my abuse that I can’t help but feel the same put-down feeling that I had while it was happening. It’s like living in a nightmare, but it’s already happened before and it’s just as scary this time around. I am finding that I’m very sensitive to certain words, phrases, actions, etc. that I never know are coming, but they trigger little moments of panic or depression out of nowhere that I try very hard to hide. I never expect them and I know that none of them are intentional or with the same destructive motive at all, so I just usually have to mentally talk my way down, which typically doesn’t take very long if I have something to distract me, thankfully. But hiding it can be tough and I am sorry for all of the times that it does show (which is hopefully never) because it isn’t a baggage that I want anyone to ever see in person or have to put up with. These little triggers have been around for many years now, but I never really understood why. Sometimes they trigger little unpleasant memories, make my heart race, give me a little panic attack, make me suddenly defensive, etc. I like to think that I am pretty good at hiding the moment and just keeping them internal these days, because they are generally small enough moments and easy to hide, but the long term effect of each trigger is usually a depression that may last hours. I’ve been blowing these off as nothing more than unpleasantries that nobody needed to know about. I guess, for years, I just assumed that everybody has similar feelings and moments, which many probably do. It never really occurred to me, though, that having them daily...and multiple times daily...wasn’t a normal thing. I found out in my research that these are actually symptoms of a specific post traumatic illness that is very similar to PTSD and generally called, classified and treated the same way...

This is not who I am, but I know that this is part of my life now and forever and I have to find a way to push on...especially as other parts of life get a bit rough...

I have so many good parts of my life right now that I know I will never get back to my darkest state. With all of the little stresses piling up recently, it can be easy to give in to the depression that has always been there and likely always will be and it isn’t an opportune time to have had this realization...but then again...when would be... I just keep telling myself that I am very fortunate for the here-and-now and that everything is ok and will always be ok. I know it’s true and I just have to let that feeling fight it’s way through the rough...

All of this is a realization and also a confession that I hide a lot of things. I hide that I suffer from constant small headaches from muscle tension and grinding my teeth from stress, the constant aches and pains in my muscles from stress; I hide my constant anxiety and the real depth of my insomnia; I hide my nearly constant dark feeling; I hide my trigger moments; I hide my many health problems that concern me; I hide my very low self esteem. I don’t like hiding these things at all, but I am extremely embarrassed and nervous to ever let them show or discuss them. That’s why I usually shy away from the topics when they are brought up and start reverting to short answers with a dull look on my face... When asked if I’m ok, the answer will always be “yes”, but the reality is almost always “not really” and I actually hate that very much but I’m too afraid to say so because I’m embarrassed, so I hide it. I know that everything is and will be ok anyways, but it’s still very tough...

One of my least favorite parts of this is that every time I have a very good, happy, laughing, excited or enjoyable moment, it is almost always followed by an immediate, deep crash into negative emotions and depression that I have to try extremely hard to hide for the betterment of those around me (so that I don’t ruin the good moments) and out of embarrassment. Sometimes, I will try so hard to hide it and I will become too seemingly positive or excited about stuff that I may go overboard with it and almost seem like I’m awkwardly trying to cover up something which brings out my biggest fear that I will be caught in my insecurity. I try really hard to come across very positive for those around me all of the time, or as often as possible. I always have as I like helping others. I like helping others see a different perspective; I like making others feel like their life matters, I like being seen as a positive, uplifting person when people need it most. I don’t mind being the mediator in tense situations if I know that I can bring the conversation or mood back to a calm and happy one. The horrible truth is that, usually, when I am being positive for others I am actually in one of my mentally darkest moments. I am hiding my pain with my positivity. I don’t like having to hide things this way, but my desire to be positive for others is real at the same time. It’s very complicated to understand this mix of feelings as I don’t understand it myself. I feel that my positivity leads people as far away from my dark insecurity as possible and theirs at the same time. It makes me feel safe from giving into negativity for the world to see and keeps me from being the center of attention in a very negative and embarrassing way. It sounds very selfish when I put it all out this way, but I do actually want those around me to be in a good place and I’m glad that I can help them.

Letting out all of these thoughts is maybe what I need but to also relive what happened to me when I thought that I had blocked most of it out makes it hurt all over again, almost as much as it did in the moment. However, I know that I already learned a lot from that period of my life and I’m still learning a lot, I guess, but it is still hard to get passed it anyway. I know that good things are always coming and this deep pain will hopefully pass. I do fear that I won’t be able to hide what is happening to me forever and showing it is the last thing that I want. I don’t ever want this to interfere with anything good in my life or any time that I get with the people that I love and care about in my life. I truly hate that she still has a strangle hold on every aspect of my life because of the way that she damaged my mind and I hate that it is so difficult to break out of the habits, emotions and behaviors that have such current and long-lasting negative impacts.

I don’t want to feel the deep negative emotions from my trauma all over again, but they are here to stay for a while, and I know that they won’t ever quite go away, but it will lessen with more time...I hope. And this rough patch will be short lived because of all of the real love I receive from everyone around me... and for that I am always grateful...

If you are reading this, then I have decided that sharing this was important to our relationship. I am by no means looking for attention or sympathy. In fact, quite the opposite. I have been very undecided about sharing this at all because l am very embarrassed by it and it makes me feel weak and I have had a deep and unfounded fear that I won’t be understood...it has nothing to do with wanting to keep secrets or worrying specifically about how anyone will take it because I know that, in reality, everyone will be accepting and caring. Those that I am closest to truly love me very much and I know that. I don’t want you to think that it has anything to do with you or our relationship (whatever that may be) that I didn’t share this sooner or haven’t been open with you. I care about you and our relationship and my relationship with everyone close more than anything else in my life, which is why I know I need to share this. It’s just really hard to put all of your insecurities out in the open to anyone...I hope that you understand that... As I’ve been writing this for about two months now (mostly written in two nights with constant editing and adding since) and reading over and over, I’ve been so dazed on it all. Maybe I’m just being very over dramatic about the whole thing, but the emotions from this are very real and very strong. I sit in my car at lunch eating alone, trying to figure out how to be okay with myself so that I can keep going. I’ve spent a lot of my sleepless time working on this, making sure that I say everything that I want to and mentally building up the courage to share it and trying to decide the right time to let this be read... I don’t think that I’m ready to talk about this in person yet, but thank you for taking the time to read it and soak it in with me...it means enough right now...

#abuse #emotions #story #memories #memory #hurt #pain #writing #aesthetic #my story #emotional abuse #psychological abuse #narcissistic abuse #thoughts #long reads #reading

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gwydionae · 4 years ago

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(Keep My) Back to You

A/N: Gosh dang it, I am determined to finish this thing if it kills me, which this chapter almost did. It’s over twice as long as the last two! Action scenes gotta make everything difficult. But yeah, more action, canon divergence, and Sakura in this one, but still a healthy dose of Naruto and Sasuke friendship stuff.

Posted on fanfiction.net >here<. Chapter 1 on tumblr >here<. Chapter 2 on tumblr >here<.

Teaser: Naruto just wants a friend. Sasuke will never allow himself to have one. But heavy burdens carried by small backs feel lighter when the load is shared with others.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Canon divergence. Rated T for mild language and violence.

Chapter 3: Teammates

"Damn it..."

Naruto's muttered curse hung in the small, dark room as he slowly pushed himself up from the floor, eyes straying back to the figure lying in the corner for what must have been the hundredth time that night. The stark white bandages covering nearly every inch of the body glowed in the dim moonlight, contrasting sharply with dark hair and clothes. After seconds that felt like ages, soft, rhythmic sounds and near imperceptible movement told his heart what his head already knew; Sasuke was still breathing. He was fine. He was alive.

Slipping out of his bedroll, Naruto silently stood and tiptoed his way past his sleeping teammates and out of the shared room. He didn't stop until he'd left the stifling closeness of Inari's house behind, allowing the salty air of the Land of Waves to fill his lungs as he slumped onto the dock, dangling his feet above the calm water.

The day's events had left him exhausted and drained, but every time he closed his eyes he could feel the cold of the ice surrounding him, smell the sweat and blood in the air, see the limp body in his arms. He'd never known joy like when he heard Sakura cry out to him, proclaiming Sasuke's return from the dead, but it hadn't made the experience of witnessing someone he cared about die in front of him any less traumatic. But then, it hadn't just been the sudden death of a teammate that had scared him, either. He clutched at his stomach, unable to keep his hand from shaking.

"Stupid fox..."

Ever since learning of the demon housed inside of him, Naruto had done his best to push all thoughts of it aside. It had often been difficult, the insults following him through the village suddenly taking on a whole new meaning, but he himself had never felt any indication that some great, evil entity had been living in his abdomen his entire life. But that day on that bridge, there was no denying its existence. The anger, the pure rage that flowed through him had been heinous and intoxicating, providing him with the destructive power to bring pain and death indiscriminately. And he had accepted it gladly.

There was some comfort in knowing that the Nine Tails hadn't wrestled away full control. He had, after all, retained enough willpower to stop himself as the masked boy's identity was at last revealed, returning him to his senses. But what if the mask had never been broken? What if he had continued to pour his unbridled hatred into a faceless opponent until it wasn't Kakashi's arm impaling the other boy's - Haku's - chest, but Naruto's?

The mere thought sent a shiver down his spine. He had always known, of course, that shinobi, at their core, were trained killers. The arsenal of weapons and techniques at his disposal were there so he could complete any mission, using deadly means if necessary. He should have been prepared for it, the possibility that a life would be taken with his own still-young hands. But upon witnessing such bloodshed in just one day, whether innocent or criminal, he felt his stomach churn at the thought, the idea of the monster living inside of him someday taking away his agency and restraint physically repulsive.

Naruto gulped down several deep breaths. He would have to learn to control it, overpower it. He couldn't allow himself to be so eager to use the fox's power when presented to him, and with more dangerous missions sure to be in his future, the opportunities to do so would surely rise.

Sasuke's cold and lifeless body flashed in his arms. Sakura's tear-stained face. Kakashi's bleeding chest.

"Damn it!"

None of that would have even happened if he hadn't been so weak in the first place. He wouldn't have been caught in an obvious trap, wouldn't have passed out or known the temptations that came with unbridled fury. Wouldn't have watched Sasuke die.

"He's not dead! He's fine!"

But even that wasn't entirely true. "Fine" was a relative term, but most weren't likely to consider having dozens of unnatural holes in their body a state to be thought of as "fine".

The hours following their ordeal on the bridge had been horrifying in their own way. Sasuke could barely stand let alone walk back to Inari's house for proper treatment, and while Naruto's offered shoulder for support may have kept him from collapsing, it was obvious that any pressure put on a needle caused him further pain. And there had been far more needles than it was possible to avoid.

Sasuke's legs were tended to first. He stood, one hand gripping a table while Naruto had hold of the other, a kunai handle wrapped in cloth clenched between his teeth as Kakashi carefully extracted the senbon one by one. Body shaking at the pain and effort to stay upright, Sasuke had grasped his hand so tight his knuckles turned white, muffled grunts of pain only occasionally sneaking past his normally stoic facade. Sakura had been shivering as well, uttering reassurances to both Sasuke and herself as she tried to focus on her task of applying the first aid to the newly opened wounds. It had taken every ounce of effort for Sasuke to not crumple to the floor the second they were done, still shaking as Naruto helped lower him. And that was only his legs.

His shirt had been removed in pieces, allowing for less pull on the senbon and access to the wounds in full. The sight of his small, bare chest, back, neck and arms covered in large needles with thin trails of dried blood leaking from each caused Naruto's breath to hitch in his throat, and Sakura had kept furiously wiping her eyes to keep them dry so she could concentrate properly. The pile of bloody senbon kept growing, achingly slowly but disturbingly large. Sasuke's breath grew more ragged with each extraction, Naruto's hand going numb in his grasp. When Kakashi had finally reached his neck, the kunai had needed to be removed from his mouth as violent coughing fits had begun to dye the fabric red. There was no hiding the agonized gasps and moans after that.

Mere minutes after the last of the bandages had been applied, Sasuke had passed out and was carried to their sleeping quarters by Kakashi. Naruto would never have thought it possible for him to look so young and fragile. Sakura had sat there in a bit of a trance, her gaze remaining on the doorway the rest of their team had left through. A moment passed before she had rather mechanically begun cleaning up the mess, but Inari's mother had stopped her, told her to rest. She would handle it. Said it was the least she could do.

If anyone had noticed that Naruto had managed to come out of the battle completely unscathed despite the many holes in his jacket, they kept it to themselves.

Raising his arm, he pulled back the sleeve to examine his skin. It was clear, unblemished as if he hadn't been in a fight for his very life less than twenty-four hours ago. No puncture wounds, no scratches, not even a bruise marred its surface. A far cry from the state he should have been in. A far cry from the state Sasuke was currently in. He supposed this was another gift of the Nine Tails, another reason to be tempted to unleash its power.

What if they did notice? What if they asked? What if Sasuke asked? Sakura and Kakashi had been distracted by their own life or death matters, but Sasuke, he was there. He had seen him fall unconscious. He had stood in front of his battered and worn out body and taken a blow meant for him because he had been too weak to protect himself. Of all people, Sasuke deserved the truth; he had more than earned that much. But...

"...damn it..."

He was scared. He could take down mob goons, use himself as bait in a deadly trap, and stand up to cold-blooded killers, but the thought of Sasuke, the rival he'd worked so hard to keep a connection with for five years, rejecting him, shunning him, calling him a monster?

"Damn it, damn it, damn it!"

The sudden creak of a footstep signaled that someone was approaching, having managed to sneak up on him while he stewed in his worries. But before he could turn around, Naruto felt a lithe but athletic form slowly lowering, seating itself behind him, and resting its back gingerly against his own with a stifled grunt. In an instant it was as if he was transported to a very different dock, one that lived in his memories as both peaceful companion and stinging rejection.

Which would this be?

"You should be sleeping."

"I slept all day." Sasuke's voice was quiet and raw, but the tone was matter-of-fact, as it usually was.

"Someone bandaged up like a mummy should sleep all day."

Expecting a bit more than the typical non-committal "hn" he received in response, Naruto waited for Sasuke to continue, explain what exactly he was doing there, but seconds turned into minutes with only the sound of light waves to break the silence. He supposed that Sasuke had always preferred peace and quiet, but it wasn't as if he hadn't been getting that back in their room. And coming to sit with Naruto almost assured he wouldn't get it for long.

"...how're you feeling?"

"Fine."

It was Naruto's turn to answer with his own wordless response - an incredulous snort - as he pulled a knee up to his chest and leaned against it, frowning as he stared at the water below. He felt Sasuke shift behind him as well.

"You said so yourself. I'm fine. I'm not dead."

Naruto tensed, unable to stop it despite knowing that Sasuke would likely feel it as well. Inwardly he berated himself on his lack of ability to just simply be quiet thanks to years of conditioning his voice to be as loud and obnoxious as possible. He always seemed to catch someone's attention when he didn't want it. He only hoped he hadn't said anything else out loud that he preferred not be overheard.

"Yeah, well, you coulda been."

"But I'm not."

It was hard to pinpoint what was more infuriating, the words Sasuke was saying or the fact that he was saying them so casually through a raspy, sore throat that had been coughing up blood mere hours ago.

Even so, he couldn't deny the fact that having him there with him, feeling the warmth from his very much alive body, hearing his damaged voice, was doing far more to calm his nerves than sitting and moping alone had done. Naruto didn't exactly have a lot of experience with accepting support from others as it so rarely had been offered, but the comfort another physical human being radiated was greater than he'd ever imagined it'd be.

...was - was that why Sasuke was there?

No, no, no. That was definitely not the reason. But then... maybe? It wasn't impossible, was it? Well, it sure seemed impossible, from Sasuke of all people. But, maybe because it was Sasuke, of all people...

The two weren't friends. They didn't hang out or play together like other kids. Heck, they didn't even train together until they were forced to. And their conversations weren't exactly what others would call cordial, if you could even label their antagonizing as "conversations" in the first place.

But beneath the goading was a strange mutual respect. Over the years an unspoken agreement had seemed to form between them, ever since that day on the dock. Naruto would draw others' attention away from Sasuke, and Sasuke in turn was one of the very few to never bully him. In fact, there had been more than one occasion during which Naruto had suspected Sasuke may have had a hand in decreasing his daily abuse, though he never had been able to prove it.

And after becoming teammates, it felt as if something had changed. Maybe it was due to the fact that they were suddenly forced to actively work together, but Sasuke had seemed... less distant. He was still a brooding loner, of course, but Naruto had noticed him doing things such as offering a hand to pull him to his feet, agreeing to eat lunch with the team, and even once or twice diverting the attention of clients a bit less than thrilled to see a "monster" fulfilling their request onto himself.

Even without any of that, what other possible reason could Sasuke have to drag himself outside and sit purposefully near him only to ignore any attempt at conversation? Because as all of this churned within Naruto's brain, his lone companion sat quietly, seemingly content to simply share a space. If he was about to give him the third degree about what had happened on that bridge, as Naruto had thought he might, he was sure taking his good, sweet time bringing it up.

The longer they sat, the more Naruto felt himself relaxing, the foreign acceptance of comfort turning natural. And the more natural it became, the more he knew how painful it would be if he ever had to give it up.

Naruto looked back down at his unblemished arm. Sasuke was here. He was alive. But it had been due to the compassion of their opponent and nothing else. If he wanted this feeling of comfort to go beyond this singular moment, he couldn't afford to sit idly on a dock cursing the failings of his past.

Nor could he be afraid to use every advantage at his disposal, no matter how volatile.

His fingers curled, clenching into a tight fist.

"I'm gonna get stronger."

There was a shift of movement behind him as his words filled the night air with his resolve, but Sasuke remained silent, listening. Naruto sat straight and looked into the star-filled sky, determination etched into his face.

"I'm gonna train every day until I pass out. I'm gonna keep getting stronger and stronger and stronger so I don't need you to protect me anymore. And even then I'm not gonna stop. Because I swear I'm gonna keep you and Sakura-chan and Kakashi-sensei and all of Konoha safe. I will be the Hokage, and the Hokage has to be strong enough to protect everyone. No matter what."

Lowering his gaze, his voice became thick and heavy as he forced out one final promise.

"I won't just watch you die again."

The stillness of the night gathered around them once again as Naruto's words hung in the air. He had not so long ago made a very similar vow after freezing up at the start of their journey. That one, however, had been sworn out of shame of his own cowardice, watching Sasuke and Sakura risking their lives while he stood by and watched. This one, this one was made with full understanding of what his weakness could lead to and the people that would pay the price for it. The first had been selfish, an inward desire to prove himself, but this new promise was sown for the sake of others, out loud, a witness present to hold him accountable.

His witness slowly got to his feet and, keeping his back to Naruto, broke the silence.

"Catch up to me before thinking about becoming the Hokage."

It wasn't an insult.

It was a challenge.

Naruto grinned.

"Watch me."

Hopping to his feet, he trotted over to where Sasuke had begun slowly limping his way back to Inari's house, pleased to find that his injured teammate didn't protest when he offered himself up as support.

"How'd you even make it out here all by yourself? You can barely walk!" Naruto feigned an exasperated sigh. "You're lucky I'm here to help you get back. You might've fallen straight into the ocean!"

Sasuke did not seem quite so ready to be teased for his predicament.

"You're lucky I don't shove those senbon into you until I figure out why you don't have a scratch on you."

Their walking jolted to a stop as Naruto's fears from earlier suddenly reared to life. He had noticed. Of course he had. There's no way he wouldn't have. There really was no simple way of explaining the mysterious disappearance of over a dozen small holes in his body in a matter of hours, possibly minutes if Sasuke had realized it before they'd even left the unfinished bridge.

But he couldn't tell him the truth. Not yet.

"...can you wait for the answer?"

The question was quiet but firm, and Naruto glanced over to look Sasuke in the eye, refusing to flinch and give away how much weight his response would hold. He returned the gaze, dark eyes searching for something hidden behind the blue, but after only a brief pause, he closed them with a light sigh.

"As long as it doesn't hurt the team, I won't ask."

The tension again eased out of Naruto's shoulders, a smile returning to his face as they resumed their walk back.

"Thanks."

"Hn. Usuratonkachi."

"Jerk."

The decision was made. He would learn to control the Nine Tails, both for his team's sake and his own. Perhaps he would even ask Kakashi about it in the morning. He had never liked secrets, and the sooner he was comfortable sharing one as massive as this the better. Of course, he doubted he would ever truly feel ready for that conversation, but if he had to have it, then the least he could do was make sure he was able to say with confidence that he was, in fact, not a dangerous monster. ____________________________________

"Damn it..."

Sasuke absently reached up to rub at the mark on his neck as he headed back toward the stream he and Naruto had caught fish in earlier. Four days - four days they'd been stuck in this giant, monster-ridden forest, and they hadn't so much as attempted to take a scroll from another team. The attack by that Orochimaru had come before they'd had a chance to strategize, leaving them unconscious and open to an ambush by the Sound which in turn left them so injured they needed several days to recuperate. The exam would be over in less then twenty-six hours, and they didn't even have a solid plan.

His fingers massaged his neck as he pulled out the water bottle in order to refill it. He had gotten better at hiding it, but even now a constant, dull pain emanated from the place he'd been bitten. On several occasions he'd caught Sakura staring at him, a look of worry and guilt on her face before forcing a stiff smile. He couldn't stand that look. It made him feel weak, reminded him of how helpless he'd been when faced with a truly deadly opponent. Naruto, however, remained oblivious to the true nature of his injury, Sakura keeping his secret for now. He was grateful for that. The last thing they needed was for all three of them to be distracted with something they couldn't do anything about. The best he could do was to remain alert at all times, ready to deal with any threat as quickly and efficiently as possible.

A serpentine eye peering out from behind a half melted face flashed before his eyes, Sakura petrified, tears streaming down her cheeks, Naruto hanging unconscious.

"...damn it."

Sasuke plunged the water bottle into the stream in frustration. He had to focus. Keeping himself and his teammates safe had to be the priority. He would need them to pass the exam, of course, but more importantly, passing would in turn give them an added layer of protection. A return to D rank missions filled with gardening and babysitting would only lead to impatience, and the more impatient he became, the more enticing the dangerous burst of power from the mark on his neck would seem. The more enticing a new set of eyes would seem.

He had sworn to defeat Itachi without becoming him. He could not allow failure during some survival test to tempt him into doing otherwise.

Clearing his mind of unsettling thoughts, he concentrated on his surroundings, reaching out with his senses for the smallest sign of a threat. He needed to keep his guard up, especially while on his own, and no sooner had he regained his focus than his muscles tensed in anticipation. There was a well-hidden, unknown chakra not far behind him, announcing a presence he'd been too distracted to notice sooner.

Sloppy, careless.

Turning with lightning speed, Sasuke flung the now full bottle in the direction of his silent observer, quickly reaching for more deadly weapons as a follow up. However it wasn't the ease at which his assailant dodged the projectile that worried him. It was the position his hands had been in before Sasuke had forced him to move. His pointer fingers and thumbs had been touching, leaving a triangular hole that he'd been watching Sasuke through with narrowed, hazel eyes.

The Mind Transfer technique, a staple of the Yamanaka clan. He'd seen Ino use it at the academy. But he didn't know much apart from the fact that the user could enter a target's mind, and this wasn't Ino. Had he reacted a second later, his body would already be in another's control, set to easily secure their Earth scroll for the enemy. Leaving Naruto and Sakura, even for the smallest of moments to clear his thoughts, could have doomed them all.

Sloppy.

Careless.

"Damn it!"

Keeping a close eye on his attacker was essential, unsure of how much time such a technique required to complete. Kunai in hand, Sasuke ran at the other boy - a teenager, slightly older than him, with auburn hair pulled into a ponytail, a tanto being unsheathed from his back - intent on forcing his opponent into close quarters hand-to-hand combat. He only hoped this one couldn't use single-handed seals.

The sound of metal clashing against metal rang out as Sasuke knocked away the incoming blow from the tanto. He quickly sent a fierce kick aimed at the other's head, but it was dodged effortlessly and followed up with a slash to his abdomen with the knife, Sasuke nearly unable to back up in time to avoid the attack. Rushing forward once more to make sure his opponent's hands stayed occupied, the two continued to trade blows, but it didn't take long for Sasuke to realize that while the ninja before him may specialize in intelligence gathering through stealth and cunning, his skill with the tanto was far above that of a normal genin. Each attack, each block, each dodge was made with the accuracy and finesse only rigorous training could provide.

He had always been confident in his taijutsu, but his lack of experience with weapons outside of shuriken or kunai left him at a disadvantage when faced with an expert. Normally his solution would be to create distance, relying on his sure aim and misdirection, but such a tactic would risk freeing up his attacker's hands. The increasing cuts in his shirt and sores on his body from the relentless blows were giving him few other options, however, the latest swipe managing to nick his arm. He ignored the trail of blood, concentrating solely on his opponent's movement in search of an opening.

With a determined parry of a slice aimed at his abdomen, Sasuke pushed enough chakra out from the soles of his feet to propel him swiftly away in a backflip that would have been more graceful had the mark on his neck not sent a stab of pain into his shoulder. Grimacing, he fought to remain focused, hands instantly grabbing for several shuriken from his weapons pouch. With practiced ease, the blades flew through the air, and as predicted, the auburn-haired shinobi dodged the seemingly frontal assault. Sasuke smirked, manipulating the shuriken's path with the attached wire like a skillful puppet master, sending it around a nearby tree with the intent to bind his nimble opponent to it.

A burned face, jaw slack and eyes wide, melted away, turning to mud, leaving merely a scarred tree trunk and loose wire as the same snake-like figure rose from the branch in front of him, baring its fangs, neck elongating as he could only stand there, paralyzed -

A roar of frustration left him as the hesitation from the terrifying memory was just enough to allow his prey to escape his trap, running not at him but toward the surrounding foliage. He was trying to hide, attack from the shadows. Sasuke couldn't allow it.

The Sharingan at last blazed to life in his eyes, his opponent's movements seeming to slow instantly. However no sooner had he reached to grab another kunai then his whole body seized up, sharp pain like lightning shooting out from his neck, tightening his muscles, holding him in place. He could feel the mark burning, the scabbed bite wounds throbbing, but no cry escaped his constricted throat, and his lungs refused to expand. His skin was on fire, every beat of his heart pure torture.

He could smell the putrid breath from the demonic head on the twisting neck, see the saliva hungrily glistening on its sharp teeth -

"A proud Uchiha, paralyzed with fear? Surprising. But it will make my mission that much easier to complete."

His attacker's first words sounded distant, blood pounding in his ears as if demanding to be freed from his fragile body. He gasped for air, silently begging for the pain to stop, for his body to move. But neither did as he wanted. He was frozen in place once again, merely waiting for the final blow, incapable of saving himself, let alone others.

"Sasuke!"

A warm, firm back bumped up against his own, a ringing of struck metal and grunt of annoyance proof that for once, Naruto had arrived just in time. His eyes returned to black, feeling slowly returning to his limbs as air filled his lungs. He leaned into the comforting presence behind him.

"Late as always."

"Hah! Thought maybe you drowned. Shoulda known you'd need me to bail you out!"

Sasuke allowed himself to crumple to the ground as the familiar popping sound of multiple shadow clones appearing from thin air met his ears.

"Sasuke-kun!"

Sakura appeared at his side, looking at him with that same expression full of worry he hated so much. As Naruto left to confront his attacker, she reached out to steady him. He didn't have the strength to push her away.

"Are you alright? I knew it shouldn't have been taking so long! We should have been here sooner! Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine."

Her anxious expression told him that she didn't believe his words.

"It's that mark again, isn't it?"

He didn't answer, shamefully realizing that he'd subconsciously been rubbing at his neck since collapsing. There was some relief as her eyebrows furrowed in consternation at his stubbornness. Any look was preferred to her pity.

"Sasu-"

"Where's Naruto?"

Pushing himself back to his feet with Sakura's help, his eyes fell upon multiple Naruto's engaged with the mysterious shinobi, puffs of smoke dissipating into the air as he expertly cut down clone after clone. It was unsurprising that Naruto's taijutsu abilities were no match, having always been a step behind his own, but the sheer amount of shadow clones had at least done the job of buying enough time for backup. The three of them would be sufficient for their single opponent. What worried him was the idea of two more waiting with a well-timed ambush.

"He can use the Yamanaka clan's Mind Transfer technique." Sasuke lightly pushed away from Sakura as he drew some more shuriken, noting the look of recognition on her face. "His teammates were probably waiting to use that to their advantage before showing themselves. We can't be careless when dealing with him."

The confident smile he got in return was not what he had expected.

"That technique has to be precise," she said, arming herself with a kunai. "If he were to miss his target, his body would be at our mercy for over a minute. It's best used on a stationary target, so as long as all three of us can keep moving, he won't be able to use it."

Sasuke knew that he shouldn't have been surprised. She had always been the only one to consistently beat him when it came to written tests, and on top of that she and Ino had at one point been close friends. And yet her weak points, a distinct lack of physical ability and stamina compared to even the other females in their class, always seemed to overshadow her strengths in his mind. Taking in her newly shortened hair and still healing wounds from when she had watched over both him and Naruto, he nodded back at her, resolving to finally stop underestimating the third member of his team.

"Then let's move."

Hiding the lingering discomfort, Sasuke took off at a run, quickly scaling a nearby tree in order to support Naruto's frontal attack from above. He noticed Sakura hesitate for a fraction of a second, glancing his way before dashing off to flank their opponent from the opposite direction, a look of determination on her face. She was trusting him, believing he'd keep it together despite the somewhat alarming state they'd found him in. He could only do the same for her.

The number of clones had dwindled drastically in the time it had taken Sasuke to regain his composure and use of limbs, but five Narutos were still fighting valiantly as his shuriken began raining down. The assault hadn't been entirely unexpected, their foe dodging both the projectiles and Naruto's punches with relative ease. The late addition of a kunai from the direction the ninja had been heading had their foe backflipping out of the way, using chakra to kick off from a large, gnarled tree as he barreled into one of the remaining clones with his tanto. Seeing his opening, Sasuke grabbed a kunai and jumped, managing to repay his attacker for the nick on his arm with a slice of his own as the ninja attempted to roll out of the way.

"Hey, hey, not leaving so soon, are we?"

Naruto struck their opponent with a forceful kick, a sinister grin spreading across his face, but the unknown shinobi retained his calm demeanor. Too late Sasuke recognized a quick series of hand seals, and in a burst of smoke, the enemy ninja's body was replaced by one of Naruto's who blinked up at his original and Sasuke in surprise.

"Over there! He used Substitution!"

Sasuke bolted before Sakura even had a chance to finish her warning, giving chase to the quickly retreating tanto wielder.

"Stay focused! It might be an ambush, but we can't let him out of our sight!"

The fleeing ninja was fast, and the effort to keep up was making his neck throb. He could hear Naruto and his three remaining clones crashing through the forest behind him, Sakura's much quieter pursuit a bit further back. Gritting his teeth, Sasuke's eyes darted around. With all the noise, there was more to worry about than just one potential team of three, and they didn't have the time nor the energy to waste.

A cry from Naruto, however, forced him to halt in his tracks, whirling his head around right as one of the four crashed into a tree and clutched his arm in pain. The blow had come from a topless male figure wearing a strange mask, a tanto strapped to his back. His skin looked as if patches of it had been dyed an unhealthy purple.

"Ahhh! Wh-what is - "

Sasuke watched as terrified horror washed over the struck Naruto's face, the injured hand he held up shaking violently as it too turned purple before starting to bubble, as if it were being boiled from the inside. A vice seemed to tighten around Sasuke's heart until at last, with a loud pop and hiss, the clone disappeared. The screams of pain, however, continued to echo throughout the forest surrounding them.

"Don't let this guy touch you!"

Ripping his attention away from the now unoccupied space, Sasuke looked up to see the three remaining Narutos all frantically dodging the newcomer's punches.

"That purple stuff is, I dunno, poison or something! Don't let it get on you!"

Unlike the auburn-haired shinobi, this one seemed to prefer weaponless fighting, his strikes powerful but lacking the same finesse. The comparison, however, instantly reminded Sasuke of the dangers of standing still for too long, and praying that Naruto was fast and skilled enough to stay out of their new opponent's reach, he again took to the trees, jumping through the branches as he searched for any sign of the ninja they'd been following.

It didn't take long to find him. Below in a small clearing less than fifty yards from where Naruto and the purple-skinned ninja were fighting were not one but two tanto-wielding figures. The attacker with auburn hair was speaking to another slightly younger male with black hair and pale skin who was dipping an enormous paint brush into ink. A half-finished painting of a tiger adorned a large, unfurled scroll in front of him.

" - no more time. If capture is no longer possible, then - "

Sasuke didn't wait to hear their conversation; the element of surprise was too precious a commodity. Drawing more shuriken, he threw several down at the shinobi and another with wire attached toward a branch opposite him, correctly anticipating the one he had fought earlier to skillfully dodge backwards as Sasuke swung from his hidden perch, aiming for that spot. His foot collided with his opponent's jaw, and he quickly followed it up with a series of punches and kicks, forcing the other to block with no time to draw the tanto on his back. Sasuke's attention, however, was divided, with one eye on the third member of the team at all times. The black-haired boy's lack of concern for his teammate, swiftly returning to his painting instead of defending him, was more disconcerting than if he had joined the fray. He either trusted in his comrade's capabilities, or that tiger was a far greater threat than it appeared. Likely both were true.

Sweat covered his body as each jab, each kick seemed to drain him of a lot more energy than usual. His shoulders felt heavy, a stinging pain shooting into his neck, while his opponent deftly absorbed his blows. This wasn't working. His attacks were wearing himself down faster than they were his enemy, and the painting would be finished soon. He needed to be precise, quick, create an opening.

He needed his Sharingan.

His heart pounded at the thought, remembering what had happened mere minutes earlier when he'd attempted to use it. He desperately wanted to believe that the timing had been a fluke, that his most powerful weapon wasn't locked away behind a wall of suffocating paralysis. Behind that cursed mark. But the feeling of his chest and muscles tightening, the inability to even gasp for air was fresh in his mind, and that made him hesitate, and the more he hesitated, the closer the tiger came to completion.

The fourth leg showed the beast ready to pounce.

Punch, punch, kick, punch, block.

His lungs were constricting; he couldn't breathe.

The tail was added with a graceful flourish.

Kick, dodge, counter, punch, punch.

His veins were on fire, the pain utterly debilitating.

The stripes were added one by one, the tail the last area left -

A loud clink pulled his gaze fully away from his current opponent and toward the painting shinobi where the ink pot now lay tipped over, its black contents spilling out and marring the tiger's snarling jaws. A kunai rested near it, and glancing up, he saw Sakura running to engage the painter.

His moment of distraction cost him. A swift kick to his gut sent Sasuke tumbling to the ground, knocking his head against a thick tree trunk.

"Sasuke-kun!"

Blinking the stars out of his eyes, he quickly wobbled to his feet, doing everything in his power to brace himself for another blow. But no blow came. Instead, the auburn-haired ninja was darting away from him, heading toward -

"Keep them busy. I'll make sure the other one can't interrupt."

- toward Naruto.

"Damn it!"

Sasuke immediately made to follow, fearing it would be impossible for Naruto to survive a concentrated assault from both the tanto expert and poison user, but something caught him around the ankle, causing him to fall back to the hard ground. Turning to look, a strange black and white snake was wrapping its way around his leg, and a quick glance showed several more springing from a small scroll in the painter's hands. His paintings were coming to life, and if snakes six feet long were coming from such a small scroll, he was grateful he never had to lay witness to the tiger.

With a growl of impatience, Sasuke grabbed a kunai from his pouch, but before he could use it, another flew from Sakura's hand, hitting its mark and dispelling the snake instantly.

"Go!" She fended off her own snake before landing another hit on one of the three headed in his direction. "I can take care of this - help Naruto!"

He hesitated only a fraction of a second before nodding his thanks and racing after the fleeing ninja, kunai still in hand. His limbs ached, begging him to stop and rest, but instead he pushed on harder, faster. He had to make it in time. Naruto's life was at stake, and if the painter was anywhere near the level of his teammates, Sakura would be in danger as well. He had to find a way to end this and soon.

The dead bodies of his parents, his clan spurred him forward. He couldn't lose anyone else.

The auburn-haired ninja had vanished into the forest, but at last, up ahead he saw a flash of orange propelling itself from tree to tree, dodging purple projectiles of some sort and firing kunai back in turn.

"Did you seriously just try to hit me with a frog? Ha! Idiot!"

Naruto's obnoxious voice ringing through the forest for once gave Sasuke a slight sense of relief. There was still time. Just a little farther.

But then it clicked. The purple-skinned ninja's attacks weren't as random as they initially seemed. He was driving Naruto, leading him toward a large tree that had snapped in half, a hollow space in the trunk well hidden amongst its dead branches. A single remaining sturdy limb protruded near the shadowed opening, a brief glint of metal the only indication of the danger lying in wait. Heart pounding, Sasuke watched as his teammate leapt toward the branch, oblivious to the trap about to be sprung.

The nightmarish vision that played in his mind ever since that fateful night five years ago - the blood of loved ones coating the blade that struck them down and spattering like fireworks across the ground - was about to no longer be a memory.

"Naruto!"

He wasn't going to make it. Unless his timing was perfect, more spilled blood would be added to his grisly collection. That couldn't happen. No matter the cost.

Forcing chakra out through the soles of his feet, Sasuke launched into the air, Sharingan burning red in his eyes right as the ambusher raised his weapon to strike. Time seemed to slow as upon reaching the branch, Sasuke barged into Naruto, pushing him out of the blade's path, blocked the tanto with his kunai, and struck their attacker in the chin with his palm, sending him falling toward the ground below.

Sasuke could sense the pain coming as if he were a lightning rod in a storm, managing to land safely on the ground right as his muscles seized up for the second time that day. The hand he had braced against the tree was rigid, his body trembling as his lungs once again refused to expand, black dots forming in front of his vision. It felt as if the only way to end the agonizing torture was to give in to it.

"Sasuke!"

Naruto's voice was the last thing he heard before the pain suddenly dulled. It wasn't a slow easing of suffering like last time, however, and some part of him knew that his body had not yet been released from its paralyzed state. Instead it felt as if he had relinquished control, retreated further into his mind to escape the torment.

But someone else was still feeling it.

A silent scream was vibrating around him, the pitch both earsplittingly shrill and impossibly deep. The one suffering in his place wanted to writhe and claw at his throat, but found his limbs frozen and useless. With a last futile gasp for air, the other voice stilled, and darkness swallowed them both.

A stabbing pain in his neck caused his eyes to fly open once more, his lungs gulping the air around him hungrily. He collapsed to his knees, limbs again having gone numb, allowing the trunk of the tree to keep him from falling prone. Body still shaking, he turned his head just enough to see the auburn-haired shinobi lying face down a few feet away. He appeared to be unconscious.

"Watch out!"

The warning from Naruto could merely act as harbinger of what was sure to be his very painful demise. Sasuke didn't need to look up to know the ninja whose body was somehow poisonous to the touch had decided to focus on the easy, downed target, and as much as he begged and pleaded for his legs to move, move, move, his body had not yet recovered enough to obey.

The mark on his neck burned, extending its foul miasma, hissing of his weakness, promising brutal death to those that would dare attempt to cut his life short.

He needed more strength, more power. He had to survive, to live on to complete his goal, to avenge his clan, his family. Double-edged sword it might be, but the curse on his neck could provide him with what he needed.

...just this once.

He could give in just this -

"Sasuke!!"

The forest was suddenly flooded with chakra, deep and ancient. It wasn't like anything Sasuke had ever felt before, its oppressive nature barely controlled, fighting to run wild. A searing heat seemed to boil the very air, and the weight of it pressed him harder against the tree until suddenly it vanished. Manifesting in its place were dozens if not hundreds of Narutos, circling him, creating a protective barrier between him and the promise of death.

"You aren't laying a finger on him, you bastard!"

Sasuke could only stare in shock as one after another the clones threw themselves upon the ninja with purple skin, sacrificing their existence for a single, solid blow each. But as stunning and incredible as the spectacle was, relief, pride and jealousy all churning within him at the gaudy display of will and stamina, a lingering unease clung to his insides.

He had known Naruto for years, paid far more attention to him than anyone knew or he cared to admit. They'd been assigned to the same team, going on missions and training together for months now. He had witnessed Naruto gathering and using chakra countless times.

The chakra that had saved him wasn't Naruto's.

There was no doubt that it had come from Naruto - the plan to simply outlast his enemy with an army of shadow clones could come from no one else. But Naruto's chakra had always been bright, mischievous, and obstinate. There was almost a warmth to it, like rays from the sun. If asked to visualize it, he'd describe it as a neon yellow, a color generally associated with cheerfulness turned up to an insufferable degree. But this chakra had been red, a dark crimson filled with anger, hatred, and torment. The utter wrongness of such heavy energy bringing so many Narutos to life was unsettling; he didn't want to think of what hidden part of the outwardly hyperactive facade such fearsome chakra had come from.

"What the heck was that? You'd think you wanted the guy to poison you or something!"

The words were meant to come across as their typical casual ribbing, but the worry lacing them drew Sasuke's attention out of his thoughts and onto the figure crouched beside him. Naruto - the original, he assumed - wasn't doing a very good job of hiding his concern, wearing a look very similar to the one Sakura had been directing at him the past two days. Sasuke instantly broke eye contact, anger and shame filling him as his legs still refused to support his weight, gripping his neck so tight his fingernails were digging into his skin.

A warm hand settled on his back.

"Hey, you ok? What happened? Why're you - "

"I'm fine."

The words were an obvious lie. All the defiance in the world couldn't mask the fact that his body was still quivering, heart still pounding, lungs still gasping. Couldn't mask the fact that he was weak.

"Sasuke - "

A yell of frustration put them both back on full alert, the number of Narutos having already severely dwindled as their opponent aggressively fought against the onslaught. The damage he was taking from each clone, however, was beginning to add up. Cuts from kunai covered his arms and chest, and his breathing was labored, sweat dripping down his chin. But still he continued, slowly working his way toward his actual targets.

With a grunt of pain and stiffness, Sasuke at last made it to his feet, Naruto quickly reaching down to help support him. Doing everything in his power to keep his hand from shaking, he reached into his pouch to fish out one of his last remaining shuriken.

"Lead him to this tree."

Naruto passed him a confused look until he glanced down and noticed the wire attached to the weapon in his hand. Understanding brightened his face, and with a confident nod, a group of clones clustered in front of them, blocking the view of their approaching foe. As one of the clones assumed Sasuke's crippled form - a sight that further deepened his shame as he saw firsthand how completely helpless he appeared - the two originals slowly backed away from the tree, slinking into nearby shadows to lie in wait for their opening.

It didn't take long for the purple-skinned ninja to barge his way back into view, eyes locking instantly with the fakes that had been left behind. Sasuke raised his arm, and as their opponent's fist connected with their decoys, used every ounce of energy he had left to send the shuriken flying around the trunk, grimacing in pain as he used the wire to guide it until their enemy was pulled flat against the tree, wrapped in place. Naruto reached out to help steady his shaking hands and pull the line taught until the body jerking to free itself finally stilled.

"I see. You have already defeated my companions."

Both boys' heads whirled around to face the indifferent sounding voice. The painter Sakura had been holding off was sitting on the back of a large black and white bird, sweat mixing with the mud and ink staining his pale skin. What few remained of Naruto's clones took position between them, the newcomer barely seeming to notice as he glanced impassively at his fallen teammates. With a hand, he reached back and pulled both a Heaven and an Earth scroll from his pouch.

"These are what you are after, correct? Do you still need one?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed while Naruto blinked in surprise.

"Uh, yeah, we - "

"The Heaven scroll."

They watched the other boy pocket his Earth scroll again while he held out the Heaven scroll toward them, neither his countenance nor posture showing any sign of nerves or resentment.

"I will give it to you if you allow our retreat."

"Sai!"

Sasuke kept as tight a hold as he could on the wire as the captive shinobi began to writhe once again, but the painter had already tossed the scroll at their feet.

"You two are in no condition to continue, and I have very little chakra left myself while this one - " he nodded toward Naruto and his clones, " - seems to have more than enough to spare. Their companion will likely be along shortly as well. We have failed in our objective. The belief that an alternative outcome would be acceptable without proper orders is not an assumption I am willing to make."

Without waiting for confirmation of their agreement, the boy apparently named Sai casually walked over to the ninja with the auburn hair and hoisted him onto the back of the giant bird, Sasuke watching him apprehensively the entire way, preparing for the double cross. However once he and his unconscious companion were appropriately situated, the bird began to flap its wings, hovering just low enough to the ground that its claws could reach out and grip around the arms of their remaining teammate.

"Would you mind loosening his bindings? I don't need the entire tree."

"Oh. Uh, sure. I guess."

Naruto let go of the wire, and lacking the strength to continue holding on alone, Sasuke followed suit, allowing it to fall slack around their captive. He braced himself for an assault, but as promised, once freed, the bird took hold of the disgruntled third team member and lifted them all into the air. With a last glance their way, Sai directed the bird upwards, steadily rising until they cleared the tree tops and were out of sight.

The look of confusion that had taken up residence on Naruto's face finally melted away into a cocky grin.

"Heh, yeah, that's right! Beat it, you bastards! I'll let you off easy this time, but if I so much as - "

"Sasuke-kun! Naruto!"

The sound of his missing teammate's voice was enough to finally lift the weight of anxiety that had settled in his stomach ever since he was first ambushed. Adrenaline fading, he felt his knees buckle from exhaustion, nearly taking both him and Naruto to the ground with his dead weight.

"Hey!"

"Sasuke-kun!"

Sakura hovered beside him as Naruto carefully lowered him to the ground. His legs felt like they were made of jelly, and the mark was still sending arcs of pain through his neck and shoulders. Closing his eyes, he concentrated on his breathing - inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth - trying to bring his heart rate back under control while desperately trying to block out the worry he'd seen etched into their faces.

"Geez, Sasuke, what's wrong with you today? That's the second time you just kinda went all rigid in the middle of a fight. I can't be expected to save your butt all the time, you know!"

The same hint of concern he'd heard woven into Naruto's previous words was back, loosely hidden under a thin layer of bravado. It crawled through Sasuke's ear and down his spine, reminding him that it was there because he was weak, powerless in the face of a tiny, black mark on his neck. He was subconsciously rubbing it again. Both hands were moved to his lap, fingers curling into tight fists.

"I'm fine."

"Sasuke-kun."

He couldn't help glancing up at Sakura at the quiet call of his name. The worry, the pity was expected, but there was also a determination on her face that caused his eyes to linger as she opened her mouth to continue.

"Secrets shouldn't be kept from your teammates."

His gaze hardened, but Sakura refused to look away.

"Secrets? What secrets?"

Naruto didn't need to know. It would only cause him to worry more, and Sasuke was already getting enough of that from Sakura. He didn't need their concern, and there was no one he wanted pity from less than the person whose back he was begrudgingly starting to associate with comfort and stability.

"Nothing."

"Sasu - !"

"I said it's nothing!"

Sakura snapped her mouth shut as if he'd slapped her. Her eyebrows remained furrowed, but with a defeated sigh she eventually turned away, leaving a pit of guilt in his stomach. The uneasy silence that followed felt like it stretched on for hours, the tension palpable.

Only one hand was still in his lap. He was massaging the mark again.

"As long as it doesn't hurt the team, I won't ask."

Naruto's words hung thick in the air as memories of a quiet, painful night in the Land of Waves washed over Sasuke, where two boys sought comfort in the other's presence under a blanket of stars after a terrifyingly brutal day. The mystery surrounding Naruto's miraculously fast healing had as of yet gone unsolved, but in the months that followed, not once had there been any indication that whatever Naruto was hiding was a threat to those around him. Even today, whatever that sinister chakra was, its appearance had very likely saved his life.

It was a truth he couldn't in good conscience keep denying. Naruto's secrets were his own and no one else's. Sasuke's was a burden that belonged to every member of Team Seven, whether they knew it or not. And the longer it took for them to find out, the heavier and more deadly it would become.

Head bowed, Sasuke took a deep breath as he reached for the cowl of his shirt and tugged it aside, arching his neck so the mark would be plainly visible. Naruto cautiously leaned in, eyes widening as they fell upon the three black tomoe.

"What the heck is that? Where'd it come from? And what - are - are those bite marks?"

Quickly shielding it from view once more, Sasuke studied the rocky ground for fear of closing his eyes and seeing the melting face with sharp fangs behind closed eyelids, bile rising in his throat as the answers pushed their way past his lips.

"Orochimaru, he... did something to me. The mark reacts to my chakra somehow, causing pain whenever I use it. The Sharingan especially. Activating it for even a second causes my muscles to seize up."

"Wait, that creepy snake guy did this? But, why?"

It's a gift. Sasuke-kun will come to me seeking power.

"I don't know. It is powerful - it activated once, gave me strength I'd never had before, but - " His eyes darted towards Sakura. " - but I can't control it, and if I try to use it again, it's possible it could take control of my mind."

Naruto cocked an eyebrow and frowned as he crossed his arms.

"When did that happen? And whaddya mean it could 'take control' of your mind? Is he, I mean, can he, like, make you do stuff or something?"

"It happened while you were unconscious two days ago." Sakura answered the question, her green eyes glancing in Sasuke's direction nervously as she continued. "The mark activated somehow, and Sasuke-kun was... he wasn't acting like himself. But as soon as it stopped, he was back to normal."

Her last words were pushed out quickly but forcefully as if to assure herself that the situation was not as alarming as it sounded. Sasuke hoped that it worked on her. It hadn't worked on him, the pain in his neck having returned to a dull throb, constantly beating out a reminder of the mark's existence.

Looking back and forth between the pair of them, Naruto unfolded his arms, rubbing a hand nervously over his stomach. Sasuke didn't like that the frown remained in place. It didn't suit him.

"So... so if you use any chakra at all... you'll either be suddenly paralyzed or start acting super weird?"

The simple and straightforward summary barely seemed to scratch the surface of everything the cursed mark had done - and would continue to do - to him, but such details were best kept to himself. Sakura had been right; Naruto needed to know how it affected the team, but he didn't need to know the full extent of both the physical and mental torture he'd experienced so far. That burden was his alone to bear.

Sasuke sat up straight, met his gaze, and nodded.

"Yeah."

A silence filled the air between them following his answer, allowing the implications of his predicament to fully sink in. Finally, after a deep breath, Naruto abruptly jumped to his feet with a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes, roughly smacking Sasuke's back.

"Well, then it's a good thing I've got plenty of chakra for both of us! We've already got the scrolls we need, so all we have to do is head to the tower - easy!"

Holding in a wince, Sasuke swiped away the offending hand as Naruto held up the Heaven scroll for Sakura to see.

"You got their scroll! That's amazing!" Relief shone in her face before quickly being replaced by a light scowl as she bonked Naruto on the head. "But that still doesn't make it easy! You can't just use Sasuke-kun's Sharingan for him, and there might be more people desperate for a scroll waiting in ambush! We'll have to make sure we stay on alert the entire way there. We can't afford to run into anyone else right now."

Her glance in his direction did not go unnoticed. Heat crawled along his skin, disgust and embarrassment for his current burdensome state thankfully overlooked as Naruto continued to predict their assured victory. Their conversation faded into background noise as thoughts of his vulnerability plagued him, mocking and berating his open display of weakness. The battle hadn't even lasted that long and yet he could barely move, unable to overcome the effects of the mark.

He hadn't been strong enough to handle the situation alone. He'd needed others to save him.

His father would be too ashamed to call him his son if he had still been alive to do so.

"Hey, Sasuke?"

Naruto's voice broke through his thoughts, dragging him back to the present where he noticed that the other boy had again sat down next to him while Sakura seemed to be hunting for salvageable weapons. Turning to face the one addressing him, Sasuke found his blue eyes instead locked on Sakura who was pocketing a stray kunai. Naruto seemed strangely subdued after his loud boasting, his mouth pressed into a thin line, hand again clutching at his stomach.

"When this whole exam is over, can - can we talk? There's something I wanna tell you."

A blink was the only outward sign that the request had taken Sasuke by surprise, hiding his curiosity behind years of experience at keeping himself closed off from others. When he spoke, his voice was even and apathetic.

"Does this have anything to do with the strange chakra you used to make a hundred clones today?"

Naruto's body tensed visibly at the question, and at last he tore his gaze away from Sakura to shoot a nervous grin his direction, anxiously scratching the back of his head.

"Guess that was pretty obvious, huh?" Sasuke's eyes bore into him, and when he refused to offer up a response, Naruto sighed and continued. "It's not - well, it doesn't affect the team or anything, not really, but - but I just - you trusted me with all this Orochimaru stuff. That - it - I mean, it means a lot. To me. And I want you to know that - that I trust you, too."

The frank admission caused conflicting emotions to collide violently within Sasuke's chest. That part of him that would likely forever be that lonely little boy crying over the loss of his entire clan felt lighter, warmer, stronger than it had in years. Despite the belief that such an acknowledgement was unearned, Naruto had offered it up freely anyway. His words had nothing to do with his worth as an Uchiha or a shinobi, but merely his existence as Sasuke. Naruto had somehow always been the one to see that side of him.

But he also knew that there was nothing more treacherous than being trusted by someone so completely. Mere minutes ago he had nearly given in to the temptation of the power Orochimaru's gift provided, despite only having an inkling of the rewards and consequences. Imagine if, under the control of the dark curse placed upon him, he gave in to another temptation, a temptation for powers he knew could match Itachi's. Or if one day he was at such a loss that he didn't even need Orochimaru's influence to convince him to heed his brother's parting words. If today had proven anything, it was how far he had yet to go to reach his goal, and knowing that someone had such trust in a person made them an easy target. It was the last lesson his brother had taught him.

His face, impassive as ever, showed no signs of the war waging within him. Instead he did his best to bury all emotions, all of his doubts and fears in the deepest depths of his soul. He simply couldn't worry about it now. There was too much at stake, too much else that needed to be dealt with in the single remaining day of the test. Shifting his position, Sasuke turned away from Naruto, resting his weight fully against the other boy's back as he closed his eyes, shamefully seeking a comfort he knew he didn't deserve.

"You'll tell me after the exam?"

Naruto's response was instant and resolute. "Yeah."

"Then let me rest so we can hurry up and get out of here."

An annoyed huff met his ears.

"Jerk."

"Usuratonkachi."

As Sasuke sat quietly, Naruto behind him and Sakura close by, he silently cursed his cruel fate, that the only two people capable of making him feel safe were also the two people who never should have so willingly offered him their trust. ____________________________________

A/N: I almost put a "believe it" in here and that thought slightly horrifies me. Also my ff.net account is officially 20 years old! Should I be proud or ashamed? lol

As always, critics and grammar police are appreciated!

#naruto #naruto uzumaki #sasuke uchiha #sakura haruno #team 7 #uzumaki naruto #uchiha sasuke #haruno sakura #team seven #my fanfiction #i sure hope future chapters don't torture me this much lol #only a few are really action based though so maybe i'll be ok XD

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