#somebody needed to write those old men falling in love with eachother and learning how to love & trust someone steadily over time | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

goldenswan · 5 years ago

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Diary #2

Sunny morning and enjoyable coffee. Today was quite relaxing. No calls to ring, no big news to be rushed to me, no person in need of training. I've received some new gifts too. The one i am the most grateful is a beautiful set of oil colors. I've played with them during the day working on beautiful sunrise. Such a productive day made have such a good mood that i started preparing for the job a bit earlier this time. The dress for tonight was a long, close-fitting, backless dress made of with a deep blue velvet. Today i hade chosen a diamond necklace as my main accessory.

The bar opened like any other evening. People came and go. Jungwoo sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers, again, which only meant today is friday. I wish i've could more but i can't apreciate men like him. His effort is something to be admired. But until he will be able to be more upfront with his desire for me it won't work. Come here, show yourself in front of me if you truly want me to see you as a man, do not just hide behind small gifts, like any man i've just worked with. I wish for the time you will actually be able to do it, maybe you might be able to change my heart but curently you're just one of my admirers, nothing more, nothing less.

Anyway, the day still went its own way.

From the people i chitchat with to the ones i've eavesdropped from what i learnt it seems that the new drug which showed up on the blackmarket is actually more dangerous than it looked at the first sight. It spreads like a virus, and big dossages makes people lose sense of themselves for bigger amounts of time, some actually don't recall but there have been some acts of violence because of them. The addiction grows bigger too after each usage. We need a deeper investigation. Our bussinesses might suffer but also win from it, if we play it right. We might need to get the cooking recipe from the source itself. We will need a plan.

The night passed easily this time. No callamities this time. But even if they would have appeared I have a small protector this time. It's actually a cute feeling to have someone here, but still, not healthy at all for him. He doesn't even consume alcohol but he stayed and watched me for the whole night. I do understand the loneliness he has, i had it too. Living in an orphanage will always be harsh on a young mind. I let him sleep at my place from time to time, when he wants to talk, having my couch free, but still, he has his dorm room and friends of his age now. It was cute in the past but he shouldn't always just come to me. I don't want to break him. I feel flattered by him but still that's not how he should live. He's at the age where he should hang out more with his teammates, train with them and prepare for anything that might appear, maybe it's my fault for babying him too much when he first joined. Sorry Jisung, I need to be more cold and push you for a bit. It will hurt but it has to be done, towards many people around me, i can let only one person to rely on me, even with him i have doubts. But... how many times have i already wrote this but didn't actually put it into action. I've became too soft. I wonder, how much my past self would laugh seeing me like this. I can already hear the inflexions in her voice while calling me weak. In my voice, i am still her and she is me, i need to stop from putting boundaries to myself. But... It's still sad.

In the past I proclaimed myself as a man-eater, a cold woman who would stomp on any men that would show in my way, trying to lead me, fools that have been played. Now i desire more and more to belong in the heart of somebody, to truly be loved and love him too. Who is the fool now? Maybe i played myself or maybe this was always in my heart but only now i finnaly see it and admit it.

After all, look at you, the one who in the past woudn't even give a second chance of a man to talk to her now just as easily prepares the glass of wiskey to a man even before he reaches the club, even when you know it well he might not show up, again, just to jug it yourself when you have to close.

Open relationships are strange, i loved them in the past. They were the part that build my freedom mentality, but now i feel getting myself tangled with feellings that would only boast somebody's greed and ego. Getting all the attention i want, no need to actually give it back without a price or having any responsibility on anyone's feellings, flirting easily, getting any gift i wish just by pointing to it, thrill to step on a man heart, crushing him, only to give him a drop of hope after it, feeding the hungry eyes with my love but only by my rules, having a new expensive dress each night, i was living for these in the past. Now? I'm not sure anymore if this lifestyle.

Maybe i got old or got out of shape that i don't enjoy it as before, the wiskey glasses seems too get more sweeter too each time i drink another one of his, or maybe it's cause i use his glass, a small indirect kiss. How funny, only a teen would feel so naive at heart to dream like that, but this is my first time actually experiencing, ironic. Each piece of ice melts one day, maybe yours too will happen at the right time with the right person.

Ah, the right time, when I close my eyes and just let the memomries play again and again in my head. Him coming to the bar. The hard day being seen in his tired eyes, making me want to hug him and take all that heaviness away. His hand going up to loose his tie while he takes the glass that was already waiting him with the other free hand. A small smirk taking shape on his face because of me reading his mind.

I liked that. Just to stare at him while the low soothing music plays in the background. The dim lights kinda painting his features, sculpting his face and becoming a breathtaking piece of art to my eyes. Everything dragging me closer to him, being tempted by his tainting eyes and small sparkles within them, just like losing track of the time by simply staring at the night sky, dark, silent, mysterious. I always wondered what new sercrets took place again in his heart. Making his eyes getting darker and darker each time i see him. I fear that light that keeps fading might really dissapear some day, or worse, i will just let myself be eaten by it, his own darkness, together with him, getting myself covered in his own black. Romantic but tragic too. Tempting myself to just forget and lose myself in him. I can still picture it right. My attention would fall easily on his hands. Taking his coat off, raising his shirt sleeves up. Seeing his beautiful neck and adam's apple dance each time he would take a gulp from the wiskey. A small sound leaving his beautifull lips, together with a deep breath exhaled, relieving any tension from his body. His eyes locking on mine while his hand is traveling easily through his hair. I take my time, letting myself be mesmerized by each part. Soon my eyes travel again to his hands, each small detail that is elegantly decorating them, each vein pulsating from his blood rushing, how many stories can he write on me with those.

My own hands wish they would be his while i caress myself, letting my imagination run wild. Traveling and hugging each side of my body. Wishing to melt again in his touch. Feeling a rougher grasp but also gentlier feather like glide. Hearing his growls playing sweetly in my ears while i feel each part of him tensing stronger and stronger, his chest rising and lowering in the same rythm with mine, never allowing to catch my breath, selfishly drowing each of my moan i wish to let out with his mouth. The highs and lows i fell fought until we got closer and closer, relivieng with eachother climax and getting deeper into our desire with each new session. Open towards each raw fantasy we had. Embracing each shade of color we would have had it hidden. I might have learned how to work my body the best way but it's been too long not to crave for his way of loving me. His kisses and moans, the passion and hunger that he is able to pour into me, making me forget about any other woman that shared his bed in his travels. Making me forget about any man that took out a bit of my loneliness while he was away. I crave you, i need to see you showing up late at night, to enjoy eachother's silence while we get through our work and simply sharing in each other eyes the desire that only this walls will know it after i close. To scream your name and hear you calling mine. Doyoung, i swear i hate myself for it, but after so long away, i cannot lie, i do miss you.

All of this, because of her. She changed a bit of me, she made me see the beauty of such love, whishing to have it my own, to feel through my whole, she changed all of us, and her accident even more after it. I still have sour taste in my mouth looking back at it.

The only thing i could actually do was to show my support, which i am faithfully still doing it for you, my beloved brother. Even though i know you've strayed away from the man you wanted to be. I know you are aware of it. I know you won't allow me or anyone to get you out of this hell. You only wish to be watched. You wish for everyone to see and experience the purifying fire you want to unleash. Taeyong, you might have supporters on this dream, but, why i feel this is only a mission fueled by the guilt and resentment, a guilt you should actually share it with us, so we can all grieve fully, so you can heal. Cause while i look to the story that you plan i only see an ugly ending. I know i should let you do it, but you leaving me, is a selfish thought that i would never want to happen. I will support you, but i will also be sure somebody will stop you. You need a wake up call. Has the promise you made for your grandfather been forgotten.

I need to go back to church, i can only pray for you. Pray for you that for each night you visit my place and let out all your cries of guilt and desperation burried deep indside it will be enough to just be with you. Going together through this, trying to lift a bit of your heavy cross, even if it will mean making mine push me harder to ground.

I need time, time to find the right solution to make you keep going until a new light will show at your end of tunnel. Please don't leave me so soon my dear brother. I love you too much to see you turning away. Hope my own cry will be heard one time by somebody and hope you will truly understand that what i will do, it will be for your own good. Until then, i will need to keep working and become stronger, for the two of us. I will bring it back that life, we will be like the old times, when we were together, playing family. I will keep you strong. This time i won't allow myself to be weak, to anyone, not even to the ones i love.

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