#some people who are trans still don't transition and that's ok

[bardnuts]

ok I don't know who needs to see this, but there is no way to know if you are "truly" trans. There is no "yes/no" switch. You decide whether or not to transition. you decide the version of yourself you present to the world, you experiment with your identity, you find yourself through exploration. It's a process, and it isn't one with a clear answer

[ventbloglite]

I think we need to sit down and talk about malgendering.

Not misgendering, malgendering.

We all know what misgendering means. Misgendering is when a trans person (or to be honest, even a cis person) has their gender denied to them in some fashion by implying, suggesting or outright stating that their gender is actually Something Else and not the one they identify as.

e.g. A trans woman being told she cannot attend a certain class because it's 'just for women'.

Malgendering is when the trans persons gender is not questioned or denied and may even be affirmed - but only in a context in which it can be used against them in some fashion (to make judgements on them as a person, to exclude them from something, to incite bigotry towards them etc).

e.g. That same trans woman taking her shirt off on a hot day and being arrested for indecent exposure.

This is misgendering;- "You're not a woman, you're a man." This is malgendering;- "Trans women are women, so obviously they exist to serve men."* *obvs it is also transmisogyny and all malgendering is transphobia.

But what you don't want to hear is that malgendering is a form of transphobia mainly used against trans masculine people and nonbinary people.

Most people recognise malgendering when it's;

Using the term 'theyfab' to ridicule an agender person or making jokes about how an agender they/them user looks (to you) to be a completely cis woman.

But you need to look out for how;

Malgendering is treating trans men like their transition has turned them into women-hating predators because of your own predjudices towards men/trans man were always inherently women-hating predators because maleness is what makes you those things not your actual thoughts, words and actions.

Malgendering is not listening to how trans masc people are marginalised 'because men aren't oppressed though' as if that's not ignoring a huge part of their identity (the being trans part) and how that works.

Malgendering is telling trans men 'this is just what it's like to be a man, people treat you like shit and you have to take it or not transition'.

Malgendering is insisting that any trans man who calls any attention to the fact that he is indeed, trans, and has/had female anatomy and faces misogyny due to being raised and still perceived (by transphobes) as a woman is misgendering himself, all other trans men and 'weaponising his AFABness'

All of this is transphobia. All of this is bigotry. This kind of predjudice and bullying doesn't magically become 'OK' once you find the 'right' group to do it to. You either want to end bigotry and transphobia and identity-specific targetted hate or you want to perpetuate it. But you can't call yourself a trans ally, or escape the bigotry allegations whilst malgendering people. And no you're not being sneaky by slipping in your hateful predjudice comments and actions whilst validating their gender.

Malgendering is transphobia.

[kisakis-boyfriend]

Like Ships in the Night…On a Train… (BSD version part 1)

Author's Note: Got horny. Thought about one of my favorite scenarios. Bon appetit 👍 Other installments are already in the works for different series. :3

Pairings: Sigma, Dazai, & Chuuya x male reader (separately)

Warnings: Male!reader, dom/top!reader, sub/bottom!characters, trans Sigma, chikan, grinding, groping, fingering (Sigma), nipple play (Chuuya)

Sigma

Why is this happening to him?! He's read the news headlines about creeps groping people on trains, sure, but he never imagined he'd be on the receiving end of that!

Sigma feels helpless as the mystery man hooks one arm around his waist, locking him in this position like a caged bird. Soon, he feels a touch on his hip, sliding down to his plush thighs as he's groped right here and now — standing in front of the train wall with his hands bracing himself against it.

Panic floods in as the stranger grabs his crotch, rubbing two fingers over his slit — you both realize something in this moment; Sigma realizes that his secret may not be safe anymore, and the dangers that come with that, while you realize that you can touch this guy more discreetly like this.

Your fingers make quick work of his pants, opening them up just enough to reach inside and touch his pussy again. Despite the fact that your victim is shaking, he's already a bit wet before you're even inside. You tease him over his underwear for a second, then dive even deeper and finally touch his bare pussy.

With all of his remaining willpower, Sigma whispers a quiet plea for you to stop, and you can practically hear the tears welling in his eyes. You ignore him, of course, already sinking between his folds and groaning at the wetness oozing out just from that.

A stranger is fingering his cunt on public transit, and no one else seems to notice. Sigma can only pray that you stop before things escalate, or before you realize he's a trans man…maybe his long hair fooled you into thinking he's a girl?

That line of thought is shattered as Sigma presses his thighs together, biting back a squeal as you fingerfuck him so rough that he squirts a little, messing up his clothes as a result. As he cums, you lean closer to his ear and whisper a “Good boy~” before you readjust his clothing for him and disappear, presumably exiting the train.

You left the man as a panting, confused mess in his little corner. Left to wonder who violated him in an almost gentle way, compared to all of the horror stories Sigma read about. His pussy was still wet, and he swears that he didn't enjoy that…but the memory won't stop replaying in his mind as he lay in bed, squeezing his thighs together once again…dripping…aching…moaning…

Dazai

How bold do you have to be to think you could get away with this? Honestly, don't you recognize the man that you're attempting to grope? Do you really think there won't be consequences?

Well, ok, hear him out… You're not being rough right now — if anything, you're actually touching Dazai rather gently. Hands caress his sides, hidden by his large trench coat, sliding across his clothed abdomen almost romantically. The most you've done so far is rub his hips, not even trying to go for anything more private (yet).

What's the harm in letting this go on, seeing just where this will lead? Dazai's pretty strong, not a big muscle man, but strong enough to hold his own when need be. If things escalate too much, or he feels unsafe, he can simply reveal who he is and threaten to call the cops on you. But for now, he'll just let this play out.

You take a step closer, pushing Dazai further against the window, and he seizes the opportunity to reveal your identity in the reflection…except your face is buried in the back of his neck so he can't actually see who you are…

Dazai feels your warm breath tickling his skin, and he can feel you… wait, are you sniffing him? Really? What a creep, smelling some stranger while you're touching him. Jeez.

That's not the only thing Dazai notices though — he also feels what he assumes to be your hard-on poking his ass now that you're hugging his body tightly. You begin to move, and this is when Dazai should stop you…but he can't deny how…nice…this all feels. Especially when you reach forward and grab his hand, clasping his with yours in a strangely soft display–

Seriously, what a depraved, obsessive, sad creep you must be to hold a stranger's hand while you're smelling them and humping them on a public train. That's just not normal, dude.

There's not much more time to question anything, as you grind against Dazai's ass until your movements stutter, then eventually stop altogether. And he can guess by your heavy breathing that you just creamed your pants without ever truly touching your victim.

'How sad. That guy could easily get off by humping another guy on the train — who knows what dirty fantasies were running through his mind to make him cum like that.' Dazai thinks, stroking himself in the shower while he pictures your fat package gliding in between his cheeks again.

Chuuya

Honestly, Chuuya surprised himself when some strange man came up behind him and trapped him in the corner of the train and he didn't say a word of protest. Perhaps the shock was what prevented his usual reactions?

Shocked at how bold you were for grabbing a Port Mafia executive by the hips and forcing his ass to meet the tent in your pants, that is. Do you really think this is going to end well? Are you just so stupid that you have no idea who Chuuya is, and how easy it would be for him to use his special ability to pin you to the floor and knock your teeth out?

You're either stupid or desperate, or maybe both, but Chuuya can't think about that too much when you're already humping him so boldly. Sure, you're somewhat hidden in the corner, but does no one pay attention to the obvious motions?

Not only are you grinding against him so hard that he's forced to his tiptoes, you're untucking his shirt from his pants and sliding your hands underneath like it's totally normal! Quickly finding his nipples and toying with them so roughly that Chuuya has to cover his mouth to remain quiet.

His smaller body jerks with your every thrust, forced to submit to this gross act of depravity or else everyone on the train will find out that Chuuya Nakahara is a public use slut. His reputation would be destroyed!

So, he lets you have your way with him — thrusting your clothed erection against the curve of Chuuya's ass until you cum, grunting right into his ear — and then a familiar chime signals the opening of the train doors, and you exit, leaving the little guy high and dry and completely disheveled as his cock leaks inside of his boxers.

Now, a Port Mafia executive doesn't have any need to use public transport — he could easily use a private car or even a fucking helicopter if he wanted to — but, Chuuya finds himself taking the same train at the same time again tomorrow. This time, he's already standing in that corner, facing the wall to conceal his hard, throbbing cock, and to advertise himself as vulnerable prey.

[charlie-ver]

Hey, you, the trans man reading this - I love you. I know there's posts like this, but I got down a bad rabbit hole last night and I think there's not enough nice posts towards trans men (:

I don't care if you've finished you transition, on won't be ever able to reach the changes you would like. I don't care if you've been on T for years, or just started, or won't be for some years, or can't or don't want to be. I do not care how you dress. I don't care if you want to be pregnant and have children one day. I don't care if you want hysterectomy and don't even want to freeze your eggs (Hell knows I am not freezing anything). I do not care if you want bottom surgery or if you love what you were born with. Because it doesn't matter and doesn't take away from your identity.

Gay trans men? You aren't just confused straight girls. You are valid in your gender AND sexuality. Straight trans men? You aren't a betrayal the moment you are no longer misgendered. You're still welcome in lgbtqia+ spaces. Because you're a part of our community. One does not lose their place the moment they are perceived and cis or cishet.

Cis men have heard it before, but they won't admit it. All this "if you like x you must be a girl" really just feels like repackaged "if you like x you must be gay". Wanna hear a secret?

HOBBIES, JOBS AND FAVORITE THINGS DO NOT HAVE GENDER.

I like botanical gardens. I love plants. I like looking at clothing, room decor, fabric stores sometimes catch my eye. Because I am am artist, and I take inspiration from these and many more things. Plant care and gardening is not a "red flag" for a trans man in my humble and trans opinion, but it's a sign that you have love to give. And that's beautiful. Just like liking these things does not indicate that a man is gay, it does not mean that your internal identity is any different.

Do not let the world put rails on your patch to your own masculinity. And if you have to hide, that's okay. If you can only be yourself online, that's okay. Trans people will always be here. Trans men will always be here. The best thing you can do is to live as safely as you can. I know this can come off as condescending from a European who has nothing to fear personally, except violence for one month in the year, because my way of being trans isn't "obvious", but I try to take it that my safety means I can try to reassure the rest of you, while you can just focus on your own misery and don't have to be strong for anyone but yourself.

If you need a safe place to went, come to my asks. If you don't want me to post them and just read them, that's ok. You can be angry, you can vent, you can cry, do whatever you need, but, obviously, no transphobia or anything (: Special love goes out to trans men who are of the aroace spectrum, because honestly, the aroace discourse never seems to die, it's just dismissed. Reminds me of something. Hm (: I wonder.

Anyhow. Come to me to cry, for a virtual hug, for a distraction, if you'd like. Feel free to ask for art. Want me to draw your trans characters with flags? I can do that, for free, for you. Ask or dm is enough (: Art and listening is the best I can do, but I'll do my best to do it well.

I love you. You deserve to live, you deserve to be happy, and you also are wholly entitled to cry, to complain, to be sad, angry, loud, afraid. You are a human being with emotions, you deserve to feel them. Nobody can tell you what your internal identity, what your gender is. Because nobody else can know that. Only you can.

So let me repeat: It does not matter how you dress, whether you are on T, whether you want surgeries or love your body as is, whether you are skinny, fat, or muscular, what accessories and clothes you wear, how your voice sounds, how you act, how you carry yourself and what you like. The only thing that matters is how you feel. And while we're at it, yes, you may change your mind, but it still doesn't invalidate your identity in the moment. There was a time where I thought I was biromantic, but I dropped that because I wasn't, and nobody gave me shit for it. Because nobody should. Whatever you feel right now? Valid. Do you identify at a trans man but don't use he/him? Valid. Do you identify with more genders? Are you maybe a man only sometimes? Or are you more at the same time? All of that is valid, if you feel like a man in some aspect or on some part, you are one, if that's a label you want. If your gender makes more sense as a man, then yeah, you are one. Nothing else but how you feel matters.

I love you, and again, I'm here for you if you need that. I can only listen and draw a little something for you, but maybe that's enough for some. If it can help a bit, I can do it for you.

Anyone derailing this post will be blocked. I have no patience for derailers.

[seeminglydark]

what's the timeline for caros gender exploration and settling in to their identity? in some of the comics earlier I thought they mentioned wanted to be a boy pre transition, so I'm curious as to how they settled on the enby identity (did they ever play around w he/him pronouns for ex.?) and what that looked like. i absolutely LOVE their design and learning more abt them!!

hello! So first off, Caro mirrors my own gender journey growing up in the mid nineties pretty closely, just translated onto paper and at a younger point in their life and set in mid 2000's, which is why i write them the way I do, and also why i explore different stages of their journey openly. They were created to help me understand and cope with myself <3

Timeline wise, they've always known they didn't feel like a girl, living in a small town with the only queer person they know being a 15 year old gay teenage boy, they didn't have access to resources to know there was more out there, and that gender didn't exist in a binary. Of course sully explains trans to them, but he doesn't know much or totally get it either at that point. They DO experiment with he/him pronouns, because they don't know there's more options out there for them, switching over shortly after leaving home and starting work at the GasCo, so 18-to about 20, and Sully uses 'he' for them in private before that, at 16. Their he/him years are spent emulating the boys they knew and looked up too, sully and his crew mostly, so a lot of oversized clothes, black, punk things, even though that wasnt really them either. It still felt like a costume. They still didn't see themself in the mirror or hear it in peoples voices. They feel out of body, like a ghost.

They start learning more about trans things when they meet Goldie, their 'handler' and manager for their show, once they start gaining traction. I haven't fully written this part so it might change later, but I never actually use Caro's pronouns in the podcast, because I have this image in my head that when Goldie meets them for the first time, she is unsure, and defaults to 'they.' and Caro has their AHA moment. This is closely related to my AHA moment when someone who met me was unsure and defaulted to 'they.' I can't explain the euphoria of finding your moment, but if you have with ANY set of pronouns or descriptor words (for example, both Caro and I prefer masc descriptors ie: handsome), you know what I mean. Personally I burst into tears and probably terrified that poor person. I'm sure Caro did the same ahaha. Sometimes we can't know things until we try them on, sometimes that can take a few tries. Sometimes we find ourselves by complete accident somewhere along the way. And thats ok.

Slightly related: I usually default to 'they' if im talking ABOUT them, though I will use their current pronoun if I'm telling a story. I don't have an issue with people using they/them or he/him with adult Caro or she/they/he for young Caro. Their hairstyle is usually a tell for those following along, long for she, mullet for he, undercut/crop for they <3 but we don't stress about it around here.

heres a post I made actually that breaks down Caro's Gender Journey in a Sears Catalog kind of way <3 https://seeminglydark.tumblr.com/post/760091118673313793

[smiley-positivity-potato]

i have something to say, for all young transmascs or newly transitioning transmascs: just know the "womanhood" you had to endure will be used against you EMOTIONALLY as a trans masc. And not in the way many have spoken about. when you speak up on the abuse, trauma or experiences you went through growing up, people will make excuses of having thought you were just an "emotional teen girl", despite you trying to explain it to them- as an adult trans man. you try to tell them you just wanted help and presently want people to recognize their wrongs. like how they taught you as a child.

but instead they'll make excuses on how they each don't know how to take accountability, for the past or present. they'll say how you seemed like "your mother" at that age, so they thought it was a phase. so now they don't even want to hear or learn how they hurt you. they don't even want to know how to get help or therapy to communicate with you better. AND THEY DONT EVEN WANNA HEAR THEIR OTHER OPTIONS EITHER. they feel like you should just "let it go" when you bring up how it has effected you as a trans man growing up NOW , they dismiss you or blame your behavior on YOU INSTEAD. the reactions of a child, are labelled as an inconvenience, that you should take accountability for when you held no power. they did. so now that they don't, they don't even want to TRY to understand you-

all in all: they will use your past unchosen childhood to label you as an emotional "woman" who is hanging onto the past. when that is not it. it is NOW the accountability of the PRESENT. you want PRESENT ACCOUNTABILITY AND APOLOGIES. YOU WANT ACTUAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND GENUINE EMOTIONAL REFLECTION. and every person in this world deserves that. do not fall for this lack of effort and communication- do not endure it to feel loved as a transmasc. the fact that you are younger AND have tried your best to understand EVERYONE around you all your life is enough. the fact that they won't even try to do it on their own FOR FIVE GENUINE MINUTES, says enough.

saying they don't know how to NOT say awful things to you- is a lack of effort alone. if they can watch you try to get help to understand them for YEARS, they should AT LEAST TRY to find a professional or group or ANYONE to learn how to mend the relationship they damaged or broke with YOU, if they are able. they should NOT use your past or present emotions AGAINST YOU- indirectly defining you as just an "emotional, hormonal, traumatized woman". but they will try. do not let THEM gaslight you or trick you into thinking they can't at least put SOME effort into respecting you as a MAN with FEELINGS FROM THE TRAUMA THEY MAY HAVE DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY CAUSED. they can AND they should put effort into rebuilding what they destroyed. because let me tell you something i've learned:

"If you stepped into a puddle and forgot to wipe your feet before you entered a loved one's house; then the tracks you left are still your's. No matter where you go in the house they will always be yours- and it's up to you to not keep leaving them."

whether they meant to or not, they still left filth on your floors- and we all know who's tracks they are. we all saw it, but the question is: will they return and do it again, with cheeky pride and their head held up high, or will they clean up the floor apologetically, and reflect on every time they left tracks accidentally, or purposely, in your house. will they think about how YOU felt; how they put you into a position of having to speak up for yourself to keep your "house" clean and respected? will they acknowledge all the other times they wouldn't listen or will they dismiss them? as said by ALL my medical professionals, the LGBTQIA community AND my chosen family, you have a RIGHT to cut these people permanently out of your life, and out of your emotional "home".

and if the next time you see them is at their funeral, that's ok. because you have a right as a TRANS MASC HUMAN BEING to put your safety, sanity, well being, respect and emotions FIRST. you have a right to PROTECT yourself from that negativity and pain. do NOT sacrifice yourself to PROVE ANYTHING to ANYONE. do not overexert yourself trying to get them to understand you when all it does is cause you to breakdowns- AND it hurts.

you KNOW who you are. and that is ENOUGH. KNOW IT WILL ALWAYS BE ENOUGH. for you are a transmasc who has EMOTIONS, A PAST AND PRESENT, PAIN AND TRAUMA. You are a VALUED, LOVABLE PERSON AND YOU DESERVE TO FEEL RESPECTED AND SEEN IN THIS WORLD REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANY "LOVED" ONE SAYS- and if your "family/loved" ones have too much pride to acknowledge that- LEAVE.

[so-i-did-this-thing]

What are good questions to ask in job interviews to find out if a place is going to be friendly to your continued transition? I have been on T for about a year and am job hunting right now and I'm worried about reaching a point sometime in the next year where I have no choice but to come out because I don't read as a woman anymore.

Ok, big caveat from me: I was once in your exact position. I had just started T and decided to interview with a small company who assumed I was a woman. (I am guessing they thought I was a butch lesbian - I still had my gender-neutral deadname. I did not assert my pronouns.) When they gave me an offer, I let them know I was transitioning. I still got hired, but was treated as an inconvenience. They did not suggest I immediately switch to male presentation, and I was too scared to suggest it. It started getting hostile when other employees noticed my voice changing. I really wish I had just gone into the interview presenting male and I ended up quitting the job within 8 months because it got too awkward.

So. As for my advice:

I'd start with Glassdoor to read employee reviews. I'd also check the company's social media, plus that of the people in your chain of command to do some vibe checking. People who are transphobic are commonly going to be very vocal about right-wing leanings, and you'll see some signs, even on LinkedIn. Check if they have anti-discrimination statements in any of their hiring material, or stated commitments to diversity and inclusion.

In the interview, ask about what sort of clients they attract and what charities/orgs they support and sponsor. If you feel the vibes are promising, ask if they sponsor local Pride. Ask general culture questions about team building and employee enrichment. Ask what healthcare benefits look like and other employee assistance perks they may have. Fish around for gendered policies that could cause you problems, like dress codes. That said, can you bite the bullet and go ahead and interview in a masc gender presentation? Because honestly, that will be the best gauge of how you are going to be received. (And in my experience, folks are fairly likely to assume a masc presenting person is male.)

I tend to be very careful about outing myself until I'm sure I'm in a supportive culture with HR to back me up -- and this might be something you can't discover until you are hired and working for a while. And even then, I've just been very matter-of-fact about transition stuff, saying things like (when doing my background check) "I have older documentation that doesn't match my current name or gender marker, and I can provide any additional paperwork if needed." When I changed my legal name, I gave my boss a simple communication plan on how I'd tell co-workers and clients. Though at that point, most folks assumed I was a cis man, so it was a very different experience compared to that awful 8-month long job.

I wish I had more advice, but a lot depends on how badly you need a job, how safe you feel, and if you have options like only staying in your next job until passing as a woman becomes a problem. To be bluntly honest -- you *will* lose opportunities in your life due to being trans and it's just something to have to have backup plans for (I lost a ton of music gig work because everyone in the industry is all up in each other's shit). But whatever you do, document everything you can related to you being trans, because you never know when you'll need to raise a discrimination case. :/

[genderqueerdykes]

im feeling so stressed about transitioning under the new regime. i need to get my gender markers/passport/name changed legally but i am not on hrt and do NOT pass at all, so i feel unsafe with the correct docs. i have an appointment for hrt, but thats not for another month. by that time it will be too late to update my docs. ill be visibly trans with my birth gender/name which also makes me feel unsafe. i feel like im being forced to rush my transition or stay in the closet for the rest of my life. i do not have the confidence to be visibly trans as i live in an extremely red part of an extremely red state. i feel miserable and dont know what to do

remind urself its ok to be scared rn. it's very frightening. it's okay to feel unsafe rn. hopefully things don't pan out like that and you have to stay in the closet

we don't know what will happen for sure, n that's the scary part. we don't have control over the future, but we got control of the present and we can do what we can to influence the immediate future.

those laws n bills are still subject to the judicial processes of the house and senate and they can get strangled or killed there. trump isn't special, he thinks he is, but realistically, he still has to contend with them whether or not he wants to . he had to last time, this time will be no different. n u know what? if it is different? n he does put that shit into place asap? well guess what? everyone's calling for "revolution": nows ur chance babes, get started! gather! organize! resist! revolt!

for now what you gotta do is remind urself that it will never be illegal 2 be a trans person on the inside. u being trans, referring to urself as trans, acknowledging that ur trans will never be illegal and yes that IS something you can hold on to for dear life. it's a place to start. they can't take away who you are on the inside. start talking to other trans people and start building plans. look into queer resource centers in your area. look at colleges for these, though you may have some elsewhere. ask ur trans friends where they get their hrt.

going stealth or trying to pass for a cis man and/or woman doesn't mean u are not trans. a lot of trans people have to do this, and if u have to do it for safety, that is completely fine. that says nothing about ur actual gender. it sucks to do, but it doesn't change who u are on the inside, a lot of trans people have 2 do this

i hope things improve for u. i hope you're able to connect with some other queers in ur area and come up with some plans. do whatever u can to make sure that u can get hormones started if that's what u want. like chase it n don't let go. just do it. they can't take the hormone out of ur body. but they also can't magically know ur on hrt. this is just my stance. u can decide not to. but i say NOW is the time to pull the trigger.

get on hrt. do it. now before u literally fuckin can't.

hopefully not much changes if anything at all. i'm not impressed with Dumbass' speeches. he's a lot of hot air. he's about making an impression. but i'm not impressed by the bluff. best of luck. PLEASE remember to stick together right now. when things are stressful in the real world like this, we HAVE to band together. we have to figure out how to sort out THIS situation.

stop fighting with each other n realize that there is literally a way bigger threat n tryin 2 figure out if a stranger has a pussy or a dick. like cmon this shit is on a subatomic level of importance rn, u gotta have some priorities. snap out of it & focus.

[baltears]

"since we are finally talking about pervert posers, can we finally talk about trans posers please. nobody can deal with the people who look exactly the same as before "coming out" and just go by a nickname now. come on. its fine to be cis. it will not make you uncool. its morally neutral."

lets put aside the fact that this is a rephrase of the tried and true "transtrenders" argument that we've already been through a dozen times, because maybe this person hasn't heard of "transtrenders" or "truscum" and is just voicing a thought. i guess this person saw the post about kinks seeming to run on trend cycles and discussion of kink not always feeling earnest because there's so much showmanship involved and basically just projected that logic onto trans people. like, ok, if you're trans, show me the money. show me the surgeries. show me the hormones. show me that your life is materially different from that of a cis person.

lets also put aside that it's a very, very different scale of accusation to ask someone if they're really as into femdom as they say than to ask someone if they're really as attached to their gender identity as they say. i think that stands on its own. in general it's really not appropriate to bring up either one of these questions apropos of nothing in personal conversation, but we're talking about one, so lets talk about the other. you're talking to my mutual about it, which means you might as well be talking to me, so we'll talk about it.

i'm one of these people, a so-called "trans poser." (very funny wording by the way. i will be transposing all the way to my grave.) i look cis, i sound cis. some people (straight people, but still) can't even clock me as queer at all. i have not and probably will not ever medically transition. i "go by a nickname" now, aka i submitted all the relevant documents at the appropriate times, made all the phone calls, went to the courtroom and stood in front of a judge who agreed that i was allowed to change my name.

so if i didn't want to medically transition, why would i do all that? why would i still call myself trans? is there anything wrong with being cis? do i think it would make me uncool or morally lesser? and why don't i want to medically transition? don't i have dysphoria like "all" trans people do?

ill answer the last question first. yes i do have dysphoria, although i don't agree with the postulate that this is something all trans people must have. (imo that idea just comes from simple ignorance of the true depth and breadth of what the trans experience is and can be. if you think this way you need to be hearing from more trans people.) my dysphoria just doesn't look the way a lot of other trans people's dysphoria looks. i'm genderfluid nonbinary, which means that i sometimes feel body dysphoria and i sometimes don't. this means that rather than simply "solving" my dysphoria with medical transition, medically transitioning has to be understood as a series of roughly equal pros and cons – essentially, i can only solve one set of problems by creating a different set of problems.

does that make me less trans? you tell me.

i'll go ahead and say, even though i really shouldn't have to, that i don't think that being cis would make me uncool or morally lesser. actually, one of my favorite things about being trans and having a trans understanding of gender is that i find myself very drawn to and fascinated by all kinds of gender expression, including those of cis people. cis people have a huge variety of ways to express their gender, and just like trans people, no two cis individuals will want to express their gender in precisely the same way. don't you think i would have scoured all those expressions, looking for a way for me to fit in as cis? don't you think i'm aware that there are infinite ways to present yourself a cis woman or man while still being a cis woman or man? don't you think i puzzled as a child, once i unraveled my internalized misogyny, over the fact that i knew i loved girls and women in every way it was possible to love them, that there was nothing at all shameful about being one and that in fact girlhood and womanhood were wonderful ways of being, and yet somehow i still couldn't be one of them? if i don't hate women, if i love women, why wouldn't i want to be one? if i thought i must be cis for most of my life because i didn't know there was another way, why couldn't i just keep on doing that, but be gender-nonconforming or otherwise visibly queer? didn't i try? why don't you tell me if it sounds to you like i tried?

so why did i do all that? why bother telling anyone at all that i'm trans when strangers on the street wouldn't know and my body doesn't look androgynous? why do i now "go by a nickname" (god, a nickname, what a way to talk about the vital trans experience of deciding on a name), not just in the minds and hearts of all my loved ones but also in the records of the state? why have difficult and fraught conversations with my parents about the areas of my identity they aren't interested in understanding? why come out to everybody, not just once as bi but again as something that still barely has any visibility in the public eye, much less any understanding? why feel how i feel? why be what i am? why put up with people calling me a trender and a poser when i could just close my mouth and change my name back and be cis?

i don't know, why don't you tell me?

[eccentricphilosoph]

How can anyone see this and say it’s ok to let people get transition surgery without thorough assessment, mental health care, and therapy over at least a year?

We are told over and over people who don’t transition will kill themselves. yet, what about the people who can’t reverse their surgeries who sincerely thought they were trans when they weren’t who now want to kill themselves? Im now beginning to see one reason why self-ID and self-diagnosis is dangerous. This is why this is an understandably debatable situation.

Unless we make the trans space a cosmetic space instead of a mental health/medical space, there has to be better safekeeping.

Otherwise, if you want no safekeeping then you have to admit it as a cosmetic procedure and not a medical one and take it out of the medical space.

There are many trans people concerned with the lack of safekeeping into transition because then it'll mean less available healthcare necessities for people who actually need the care. Imo, if you don't think gatekeeping is necessary, then I get the feeling you clearly don't need it yourself! Hypocrite.

The system used to be different so this kind of situation wouldn’t happen, but now there’s little to no gatekeeping and severely mentally unstable people who need help are being harmed unnecessarily.

****NO I'm not saying "get rid of trans healthcare" I'm saying, make it safer and help people get through their other mental blocks instead of affirming them only. It's clearly not working for the 1000s of people now regretting or suing because they feel like these men do. ****

I've known 3 DETRANSITIONERS personally who did so not because they have internal transphobia, not because of lack of support, not because of bigotry, but because they're not trans. Guess what? They're not statistics because they didn't tell any surveys or their clinic that they're detransitioning. There are many like them that never go back nor report it. I'm sure there will be many more who will come to the realization their lives permanently changed for the worse (this isn't just a mere "knee surgery" this is literal castration of straight men at worse). Knowing 3 detransitioners in 5 years is a lot... That's at the rate of one per 1.5 years. There are about 20+ people I knew personally at one point or another who transitioned. That's 15% of all the people I knew who detransitioned and I'd be willing to venture at least one more will detransition, leaving us at ~20% of people I've known detransitioning. If detransition is only less than 1%, then what are the odds I'd know 3 people who did since, at most, I should only personally know 1 detransitioner. It's wrong to turn a blind eye and write this post off as "transphobic". Perhaps it's you who are the bigoted one to not listening to reasonable rhetoric. Noting that some people are suffering due to the lack of gatekeeping doesn't somehow negate some people having the opposite thing happen to them.

Citing that there are "statistics" does no good unless you can find me a new study that shows me, for at least a decade, with a substantial amount of people because this is a relatively new phenomenon to make this healthcare known in the mainstream consciousness. Also, as I said, my 3 friends aren't in surveys or the system as "detrans". If anything, they're probably still written down as a transitioner happy with their transition... because how do you know someone isn't happy unless they tell you? Instead of looking at common sense of what I'm saying, I get berated and belittled. You do nothing to help the cause of trans people when you do this. Do you really want people to slip through the cracks as collateral? Do you really, in the name of "inclusivity" want to limit the resources for those who really NEED it? How extremely heartless can you be?

Again, "no safekeeping= cosmetic procedure". "Safekeeping=medical" space. You can't have "no safekeeping=medical space" as there are mentally ill people getting improper treatment, suffering, and then taking away the resources for those who actually medically need it.

[official-megumin]

there is always this discourse about if transfem and transmascs have it worse

And like, I know it's not really quantifiable and measureable to find the objective suckiness of being trans.

But like

Man it's gotta suck to be a trans guy. This is coming from the perspective of a trans girl btw.

I know that not all transmascs care about passing and having a "fully male body", like everyone decides for themselves what they wanna do. But let's see this from the perspective from a trans guy who wants to be as close to a cis perisex man as possible, this guy is also perisex afab, meaning normal development and stuff.

Ok, so for this man to "finish" his transition, he would need like, what? 3 surgeries. All of which are gatekept. He would need top surgery, tit chop as you say.

This is already a lot, and it sucks fucking dick that y'all have to wait for that. But other than that already sucky and gatekept surgery, we also have phalloplastry, which many countries including Denmark, doesn't offer at all because it's more complicated than vaginoplastry.

This is also a hugely impactful surgery, and I assume that for many trans men, it also doesn't really feel good enough because no semen and dick pump. Of course I'm no expert, so don't take what I say as gospel, I might flat out be wrong about many things.

But that still isn't it. By now we have moved past surgeries the average transfem would "need"

Like yes, many trans women end up getting BA and FFS to combat dysphoria on top of bottom surgery, but they aren't "required" in the same way. So let's round it out and say one half of both of those surgeries count, so that means that transfems on average get two gender affirming surgeries. Which means that now, transfem and transmasc surgery counts are the same.

But wait, there's more!

There are also hysterectomies to remove the uterus and ovaries. Which again is very extremely gatekept because "devine femininity"(bleugh)

That's three surgeries to transition "normally" for a transmasc versus the two of a transfem, already there it's more sucky.

Of course this is not taking other typically gendered features into account like hip and shoulder width, which is too variable to really take into account here. Also it is not as widely different between the sexes as some people claim.

But this is just the surgery front.

I can't even begin to imagine how dysphoria inducing dealing with menstruation must be to a trans man.

Like periods suck dick, I know that from personal exprience. It hurts like shit for like a week at a time and there's blood everywhere.

But for trans men you add fucking dysphoria on top of that???? Hellish, the female reproductive system is so invasive and intrusive. For transfems we can just y'know, not touch the thingy and we won't have to worry about a visceral bloody reminder every month that stays even after hrt starts.

Really what I want to say is that yea sure maybe transfems struggle more with sexism and such whilst transitioning, I'd argue even that is not quantifiable and will be hugely variable on how the individual looks(speaking from experience as a trans girl who has not once had transphobia aimed at her in person in public from strangers)

But the physical struggle of transitioning? I think that trans masculine transitions take the cake by far here. Like objectively too.

And all the transmascs out there at all, doesn't matter how dysphoric you are, or how far you wanna take your transition. I respect you so god damn much, and I'm in awe of all of you. You're genuinely incredible

[dragonfire2lm]

Elden Ring Headcanon: Messmer Edition

Spoilers below, these headcanons are based on item descriptions, and thanks to some helpful people in the discord I'm in for clarifying some lore that completely flew over my head.

Ok, so, just as a disclaimer: I do not care who you ship Messmer with, or how you view him, the following headcanon is just my interpretation, that does not mean that everyone should share said interpretation. If you do, awesome! if not, just continue on with your day, the following headcanon has no bearing on your enjoyment of the character, the game, or what you do to express your love of Elden Ring.

Messmer seems very aromantic coded to me. He has friends among the knights that serve him, cared about them to the point he listened to them when they wanted knowledge preserved, and mourned the loss of a friend when two of knights rebelled against him because of Messmer's serpentine nature. He also has a lot of love for his family, with how he was an older brother figure to Radahn and had a brotherly bond with Gaius, not to mention how he's turned himself into a symbol of fear and uses his fire (which he has tried to get rid of multiple times) all on his mother's orders.

Yet he has no interest in romantic relationships (R.I.P Rellana), and I just, think it'd be neat if I headcanon him as aromantic (Note: that does not mean he's also asexual, I am specifically focusing on aromanticism here) based on the fact that he cares a lot about his knights and his family, but had no interest in Rellana in a romantic way.

Plus, its all in good fun, and aromantic rep is sorely lacking in media, so what's stopping me from reading certain characters as being aro-coded? Fandom often interpret characters as gay, bi, trans and so on for their headcanons and fanfics, so what does it matter if I pick a character to write as being aromantic?

This is, after all, a hobby, its for fun, and if you personally don't agree with this, that's ok. Whatever ideas you have, and whatever ideas I have can coexist in the same fandom space.

Now, here's a headcanon that's a lot less...controversial.

Messmer sees via his serpents, his remainnig eye, as seen in his phase two transition, is a glass one, a prosthetic eye. He probably can't see out of it. Granted, there is a lot of blodd on his fingers after removing it, so maybe it is a magical functioning eye or something, but it could go either way. But given that when we enter his boss room for the first time, we see one of his snake friends before we see him, so I feel like that opening cutscene hints at the fact that he uses his snakes to see.

I like Messmer, he's very friend-shaped.

I just think he's neat.

Edit: The lengthy disclaimer at the start of this post is just me covering my bases, I've gotten guilt-tripped and generally felt unwelcome in a couple of other fandoms for simply having an aromantic spectrum headcanon, or you know, being an asexual fan of a game and its characters when most of the player base is clearly not asexual. (A different game, not Elden Ring, the elden ring community has been very accepting, but the Doubt Still Remains because of my previous experiences)

Thank you for reading.

[butchpeace]

is it normal to feel. idk. i guess the best term for it could be survivors guilt??? over what i did and believed when i was trans identified

i had a friend who was a TIM. they were a very nice person and i wish that me, and the GSA group that i was in told them that it was ok to be a shy, feminine male and that there was nothing wrong with him except we now told him he was a girl and now hes completely absorbed in gender ideology and theres no getting him out (and i think he genuinely knows he is not a real woman. he has admitted to being a boy who wants to be a girl and to having AGP. he’s also the only decent TIM i have ever met and has been very supportive of my own desistance so there is probably still hope for him before he ruins his life forever but idk how to start that convo)

i had several friends this year that have all started T. i dont recognize them anymore. i encouraged them. we all did. now theyre completely unrecognizable. one of them changed their pronouns and gender identity THREE TIMES in the course of a few months before going on T. it didnt take her a FULL YEAR of identifying as trans to go on t and just GET hormones. im horrified. but everyone is just telling her how valid she is and how great she looks

my other friend started t at the beginning of this year. theyve completely changed as a person. the light in their eyes is gone. theres nothing left of the person that i knew before but sure buddy tell everyone youre happy when youre obviously fucking miserable. its just your voice deepening and the effects of t that make you look more masculine. i can just see things everyone else cant.

i almost wondered if i was crazy and it was my problem. so i cut them off. i made up something about myself and why i was cutting them off so i didnt have to tell them the truth. i should tell them the truth before its too late but i know i wont. but it was driving me crazy and i couldnt bear to tell them the truth

i want to tell the trans people in my life to wake up before it’s too late. there’s nothing i can do now and theyre all going to destroy themselves. i got myself out but i feel horrible now and theres nothing i can do about it.

but now i just feel like my only solution is to isolate myself from everyone so i dont go mad and i dont hurt anyone. everyone notices this of course and think there is something wrong with me. which there is i guess

everyone tells me its not my problem but i feel like it is my responsibility to warn people before its too late. i was lucky to get out

This is my philosophy regarding my friends who are currently trans identified. Maybe it will help you:

All I can do is gently tell them my story, hope they recognize themselves in it, and be there for them when they need me.

If you're cutting someone, or a group of people, out of your life anyway, you might as well open up to them about what you really think before you do. Worst case scenario you're not friends anymore, but that's already the situation you're in. You already have nothing to lose by talking to them openly.

It's not your obligation, but the truth is it's going to take all of us to fight this and help our sisters come back.

Too many radfems think of trans identified women as lost causes, or bemoan that they're transitioning without actually doing anything to try to help them. If we were all more open and honest about our thoughts and we tried our best to be there for the women in our lives, we would be in a much better situation as a community right now.

I have women I've known for years and who transitioned around when I did, or shortly after. Many of them have expressed that they relate to my story, some have talked about coming off testosterone, some have started identifying differently and some even as women again. Most don't agree with my opinions or radical feminism fully, but the point is that the door is open for them.

On average, I think women are spending less time in transition, and detransitioning sooner, compared to my generation. The tide is turning. These women aren't lost, they just need a little help and sometimes a little time.

It could be good to send them some stories from detransitoners. Maybe youtube videos or just a link to the site Post Trans might be helpful. They need to hear the stories of other women who have transitioned.

Be brave and good luck! 💪

[chaifootsteps]

I heard that you are a trans man and I apologize for asking this head-on because I heard many trans people prefer to not be addressed as trans but I assumed you are ok with it

I was just wondering what it takes to officially call oneself a trans man? What does it take to be considered a trans man? What is the difference between a woman who likes being perceived as a man but still wants to remain a woman, does it count as being trans or is it just a part of some woman experience that has nothing to do with being a man?

just to be clear, I perceive trans men as men. I just known numerous men who were initially born as women, including those who were doing the same thing i do until they transitioned so I learnt i'm not alone in doing this, yet I realize I don't feel the need to fully become a man in my life and I keep wearing the "man weil" while thinking (or trying to convince myself) i'm a woman. I can't become a man because I don't feel like it is who i am but at the same time I can't throw away my weil and I feel comfortable in it. I was asking this becasue maybe as a man you know a lot of things about going through gender identity crisis

That's the thing about being trans...there's no exam you have to take, no registry, no checklist. Anyone can call themselves anything they want, and we can argue until we're all blue in the face whether that's a good thing, but there you have it.

If you don't feel that you're a man, then that settles that, you're not one. Doesn't matter what you look like, sound like...if you're happiest as a woman in a man veil, then that's what you are, and if you ever reach the conclusion that something's changed, then that'll be your call and only your call.

[jenny-in-a-jar]

One week since my Surgery

People liked hearing about my trans journey, so for those interested, here's my first week update to having vaginoplasty (one type of mtf bottom surgery).

Of course, I hope this helps any transfem interested in this surgery. But, I understand that other people will be curious. And that's ok! There's nothing wrong with curiosity. Just be respectful ❤️ which a lot of people been (and I block those who aren't)

No pictures but I will go get a bit graphic with my description so here's your warning before hearing more.

So first off some disclaimers. There's a lot of variety in procedure and treatment when it comes to vaginoplasty. For example, I live pretty close to the hospital I had the surgery at which influenced how early they let me go home. So, my experiences are definitely not universal.

So, I had breast augmentation at the same time. And for me, that was definitely the easiest surgery I've ever gotten. Like pretty painless (with painkillers ofc).

Now, vaginoplasty is definitely the most painful procedure I've had! The best way to describe the pain day one would be like when you've tucked all day but more intense (I know not a lot of people have tucked on this app but it's the best metaphor I could come up with 🤷‍♀️). But as the week went on, the catheter definitely became the most painful part. It felt like my urethra was burning 🔥😬 (I bet a lot more people can understand that feeling lol). Interestingly, it was at its least painful while moving and moving is also good for recovery!

I stayed in the hospital for two nights before they removed the covering and sent me home with a catheter and packing in my vagina. Again, they probably only did it this way because I live 20 minutes away. As the weak went on, it swelled up a lot and brushing spreads from it across my thighs (in honestly a cool pattern!)

When my catheter and packing was removed they gave me a "tour" of my new vagina. I don't remember the names well but here's what I remember. The Major flaps (the main thing you see when you see a vulva) we're still pretty swollen but starting to loosen and get that wrinkly quality. My nurse likes calming them dog ears at this stage and they really did look like dog ears 🥺🐶. I saw my clitoral hood and she said my clitoris is packed behind all of that but I don't need to worry about that for now. She also pointed out the urethral plating which was formally part of the urethra proper but with the inside on the outside now. It's super blue now but in time it'll start developing a mucus to keep my vagina from getting bone dry (will still need lube for dilation and eventually sex). And then the vagina hole itself.

To keep my vagina from healing shut, I'll need to dilate at least 4 times daily for 20 minutes this first week and a while longer and then slowly ramp down as the hole heals up. But, the nurse stressed that there are no hard rules with dilation and I just need to really listen to my body if I want to get the depth and width I want. Which I do want plenty of depth and width bc tbh my partner will be able to fill it 🤭 they key thing they said was to try to be as relaxed as possible while doing so 🪻

They also filled my bladder with sterile water as a "practice run" to make sure I can pee on my own.

I want to say I got a lot of wonderful nurses! All except the one I had when I first got out of surgery, I could tell actually saw me as and treated me like a woman. And they did a great job at welcoming me vagina ownership in a very understanding way without being condensing 💕

Despite the horrible pain, it's been a very euphoric experience 🥰 and I would definitely recommend it for anyone who wants it.

Feel free to ask any questions, I can't promise I'll have the best answers but I'll try my best 🥺

Also feel free to look through #my trans journey tag for more info on my transition if you're curious ✨

[thatfeyboy]

Ok this isn't gonna be taken well but it has to be said; some of y'all are really not ok about how you treat dysphoria, especially in trans men.

I know we've been through a lot as a community. I know people have tried to force the idea you need a certain quality/qualities to define yourself as trans. But you cannot make it so every time a trans masc says they have a form of dysphoria/mentions that most trans mascs have some form of dysphoria, is trying to reawaken the rotting corpse of transmedicalism.

A trans man saying the primary reason they are a man is because they have dysphoria and can only alleviate it and feel happy by being masculine is not a threat. A trans man saying they don't like their chest, genitals, or body is not "medicalizing" the experience of being trans. Sometimes people just inherently do not feel comfortable and it has nothing to do with you, with society, or with women/misogyny.

I shouldn't have to say any of this but I fear the continued rhetoric exclusively leveled at trans mascs is implying rather sinisterly that not liking your form rather than reveling in manhood or gender is a bad thing and means you are an old school truscum.

You cannot treat dysphoria like those who have it are less progressive trans people that should be kept on the DL by the rest of the community to prevent negative perceptions. It's the same thing to do this to those who don't express dysphoria but are still trans. I just feel in defence there is a hyper fixation on trans men who "appreciate the feminine form" and don't transition in the same way and it feels fetish-y and creepy a lot of the time; especially when it comes from people who aren't trans masc themselves.

I feel like a lot of this just comes from the same rhetoric that "destroying the feminine" is a real thing that is a problem in trans men. It's the same kind of thing that makes our own community disgusted by certain forms of transition like bottom surgery.

The world is already going to be awful we cannot be doing this to ourselves.