#some people get hallucinations of seeing or hearing people or monsters i get. 90's teen girl bedroom i Fucking Guess

[nexus-nebulae]

dude my brain is so weird rn i turned my light off to sleep and my brain took the complete darkness and went alright well there's no environment here so clearly i must Make One and now every time i close my eyes i see a completely different bedroom

[brianjaeger]

2018 Academy Award Best Picture Nominees Guide For Those Who Haven’t Actually Watched Them

Time sure does fly, and here we are again - it’s time for the Oscars! For 90 years, the Academy Awards have provided us a totally unbiased chance to have Hollywood tell us what art is worthy of our time. Of all the cinematic art created within the last year, we’ll finally be told which art was truly the best art and who the single best people are who participated in that art! As an added bonus, they’ll also tell us which people died since last year who we should give a shit about! (Spoiler alert - it’s not your dumb ass non-actress grandma!)

The return of the Oscars also means that a bunch of movies came out that I was supposed to see - but haven’t! So, without further ado, here is what I THINK this year’s Best Picture nominees are about based on their titles and scant knowledge of the films’ themes - with the bonus of a few comments that you can make at your Oscars parties so everyone thinks you’re a cinematic genius.

Here we go!

The Shape of Water

Guillermo del Toro is back at it again, this time the acclaimed director found an old notebook from 5th grade that said, “Fishman - A fish dude lives in a tank and some lady finds him. *Work on narrative.” In this magical dose of cinematic wonder, we get to see the reason why your mother always warned you not to touch yourself in the ocean. She was right!

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

Because water is a liquid state of matter, it actually takes on the form of whatever container it is placed in...just like blood.

If I ever had a pet fish monster, like the one in this movie, ya know what I'd name him? Gil.

There is a touching scene where Gil the Fish Monster is confused by a fork and that actress I don’t know says, "Dinglehopper." But then laughs at his confusion and says, "Naw, fishface. This shit's a fork," and then they make out.

Darkest Hour

This movie is told from the perspective of a toilet owned by a Midwestern family and takes place about two hours after a large Thanksgiving meal.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

Who knew that Gary could be so convincing as an...old man.

The ending where Churchill realizes that the lights AREN’T actually off and he’s just had his eyes closed for the last hour is a real knee-slapper.

I’m glad that the only time we have to worry about Nazi’s are in these type of movies based on events from nearly 8 decades ago that we’ve all learned from and become a better human race as a result of those lessons.

Dunkirk

It was just another summer for 8-year-old Sam Darlington - that is until Dunkirk came to his doorstep. The touching story of a “stray” dog who has more than just “Bark” to say! How does Sam keep a talking dog silent who has more than a few things on his mind?! A whole town will change this summer! Oh, and it turns out that Dunkirk is all just the violently unstable hallucinations of an addict who turned to drugs after a lifetime of physical and mental abuse. Dunkirk: He’s The Product of Severe Trauma!

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

If you look closely, there is a scene where a young Steve Rogers can be seen in the background pissing his pants.

I was shocked at the end when I realized that every single person lived. I thought that was neat. My mind was blown, and I was sure they had gone too far, when they jumped from a war into a war WITHIN a war.

Phantom Thread

A mysterious, disfigured musical genius living in the subterranean labyrinth beneath the Opera Populaire becomes obsessed with one member of a local sewing circle. His twisted ways of showing affection lead to a musical of yearning and horror for his angel of cross-stitch.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

Daniel Day-Lewis went full method actor for this role. During filming, Day-Lewis absolutely REFUSED to wear any article of clothing that did not contain threads.

This was initially going to be a sequel to 27 Dresses called 28 Dresses: The Phantom Thread.

Paul Thomas Anderson made this movie specifically because he wanted to have a film with the same first two initials as his name.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

One billboard tells the story of an Arby’s off Exit 273. Another says, “Reading this? This could be your ad!” The final is a disturbingly graphic anti-abortion ad that contrasts poorly with the next billboard advertising a Mexican restaurant with big, bold product shots.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

It's rumored that during the Oscars, the REAL three billboards on whom the movie is based will come on stage to receive a standing ovation for the struggle and sacrifice they made which paved the way for generations of billboards to come afterward.

Frances McDormand had to have the large key embedded into her back rewound 6-7 times per day to generate her performance.

If a guy named Bill ever actually visited Ebbing, Missouri, I bet he’d say, “Bill’s bored.” (Cackle and spit wine.)

Get Out

Brian Williams’s daughter brings her African-American boyfriend home, and Brian (played by Bradley Whitford) accidentally mentions that the helicopter that he was in was never under fire. In order to cover up his lie, Williams has his voodoo witch wife cast spells on all black people to keep them from telling the truth - just to be safe.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

This should win. (Believe me. Just say it.)

What am I drinking, you ask? Well, I decided to make a drink that I call the Daniel Kahlúa in order to celebrate the movie.

Keegan-Michael Key is truly thrilled for Jordan Peele’s critical success. Truly.

The Post

Where Karl Malone fucking dominated.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

This is actually a reimagining of the movie Big in which Josh Baskin instead of saying he wants to be big, says that he wants to be editor-in-chief of The Washington Post during the early 1970′s.

This not winning the Best Picture award would be...fake news. Am I right? (Slowly back out of the room.)

In the director’s cut, you see that Spielberg actually originally cast the same actor who played E.T. in the role played by Bradley Whitford - but he started turning sickly and white due to atmospheric conditions and kept asking to go home.

Call Me by Your Name

The story of a young John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt. After catching the eye of an attractive older man, he approaches and introduces himself. The older man’s eyes grow large at hearing the name. His lips curl into an intoxicating smile as he responds, "John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt? That’s...my name too."

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

By Your Name? I thought Call Me was by Carly Rae Jepsen!

24 - 17 = 7.

During filming, Armie Hammer had to call Johnny Depp every morning to say, “Tonto, I don’t know if I can do it!” Then, Johnny Depp had to speak in a racist Native American stereotype and say, “(Sigh.) Fall in love with the teen boy, Kemosabe.”

Lady Bird

Big Bird’s whimsical trip to Thailand takes an erotically confusing turn when he finds himself in the red light district and shares a night with one of the many Thai Lady Birds.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

(Swirl drink.) This is a lovely Saoirse we’re having, isn’t it?

Interesting. A guy named Greta? I’ve never heard that before, but he did a spectacular job.

In French Lick, this is the name of a very popular drag queen.