#some people dont want to see the offhand mention of it either

[rapidhighway]

awesome long post about sonic and shadow you love finished by mentioning untagged sonadow in the last sentence to piss you off

[justallihere]

Now that I have had some time to calm down. i knew someone was dying but tbh i probably didnt want to think too hard about it. I genuinely thought about who else you could've killed and nobody can give the same pain as Rhi, losing your best friend, your ride or die, someone who left their country and lover, the friend who threatened a king bc he was being an ass to Vi? nobody else can compare

i want to give you a standing ovation, girl you were able to seamlessly switch the tone of SITQ from "things are going to be okay to wow we dont know whats we’re doing and can only prepare for the worst"

Did Liam clock that there’s someone going on with Sloane and Dain? Bc I saw that and it was so funny

Vì letting Cam, Tessa, and Sloane come bc she knew they would sneak away was peak mom energy

Deadass I speed ran through chap 50 bc I knew the last bit was the part where either we find out she lives or dies 💀

Now that I’m chill… for now… seeing Immrick and Mira/drake did soothe some of the pain but I deadass went, I’ll come back to these ppl later, I need to know what happens to my girl Rhi

This seems to be the general consensus now that everyone’s chilled out for a sec! we all knew I’d do it, let’s be serious 💀

No one can compare to Rhi AT ALL and that’s why it had to be her. She’s been the one holding Vi’s hand through everything and supporting her to make the best choices for her. And it fucking sucks but that’s exactly why the venin would take her, because there’s so few people Violet would fight harder to get back or make a mistake for.

The change in tone has been so slow but it’s been building: all those little offhand mentions of Violet’s nightmares and her anxiety and her dread have been culminating to this!

Yes, Liam finally figured it out! Sloane is private and has been the one to keep her and Dain a secret so the fact that she turned to him so publicly was really telling.

lol fair 💀 there’s some more Drake in the next chapter, which I love! He’s been a fun character to bring in. But agreed, Rhi is most important 🫡

[trashcanfills]

Self Aware Genshin Impact AU - Divine Guide who’s already Married Concept Intro

Because I somehow want the genshin cast to suffer in this specific way lmao and also inspired by some other users post but i cant rmb who hvrcecrnmfaetvu

This is a very specific AU for the sagau cult idea, whereby it is kind of the typical genshin player gets isekai’d into Teyvat and has a cult following thanks to their interference as a player, except the player wants to go back home and aren’t that reciprocal of their acolytes’ love and devotion…

…because they already have a spouse back in their og world, and rather be reunited with them than be alone worshipped at a pedestal they believe they dont really deserve.

Cue astonishment and outrage among the acolytes because how is it that their beloved deity is married and no one knows abt it??? (Turns out some characters suspected it due to a few of the player’s offhand comments during gameplay that hinted them being already attached to someone, except they were kinda in denial/not focused on that part…until the Divine Guide descends and later reveals that info. Oof)

Not to mention that these characters cant help but fall in love/obsession with the Divine Guide due to their kind and patient presence. The moment the acolytes know that the Divine Guide has made an appearance in Teyvat, they think that they had a chance to show their devotion to the Guide, and possibly prove their worth to be one of their potential lovers.

Unfortunately, the Divine Guide does not see the acolytes in that way, because they already have a lover that practically seems like their soulmate based on how the Guide wistfully reminisces and gleefully gushes abt their spouse from time to time.

Because of that theres a good amt of jealousy esp from the more devoted and obsessive acolytes. Like they are grateful to you, who is doing their best to remain impartial and equally appreciative of everyone.

Yet the acolytes just see the absolute love and affection you have whenever you mention your lover and they just…cant help but feel envious of your spouse and wish they could be in their place.

Of course, since its only the Divine Guide that came to Teyvat, the acolytes try to subtly push their deity to move on from their lover. Like yes it is such a shame your lover didnt cross over as well, but would you really prefer to keep mourning over what could have been when there is a new world with dedicated followers at your beck and call? What abt these people who want to thank and worship you for the kindness you have done for them? It would be better for you to look up and live in the present than dwell in the past or wishful thinking that amount to nothing, no?

Just to make this all the more spicier, at some point maybe a couple of months or even a year since the arrival of the Divine Guide aka the player in Teyvat, their spouse ends up getting isekai’d in as well.

Once the Guide aka the og player discovers them, they are ecstatic to have their lover with them, and whether the two decide to stay tgt in Teyvat or secretly figure out how to go back home is up to them, but oh boi the acolytes end up getting the shock of their lives (and oh boi the green gazes as they witness the reunion). Imagine the multitude of reactions from cast, esp when you decide to continue on your loving relationship and declare that your lover, now known as the Divine Consort, to be treated with the same respect as you.

Some are envious, and secretly despise your spouse because they feel that the Consort is unworthy of your love and affection. Some are dejected or upset, and are either willing to give them a chance or hesitant to because they are still unsure. Some are willing to worship the spouse along with their beloved deity, and find the Consort really cool in their own right. Some might end up liking the spouse to the point they wonder if both the Divine Guide and the Divine Consort would be open to having other lovers…

[kkysolo]

I realized the reason the cultist, and all the glory I’ve seen you receive regarding that series- rubs me the wrong way, is that: coming from someone who’s survived a cult, it just feels like it somehow glorifies cults. With that being said, some of what you wrote is accurate and I couldn’t even make it past half the second chapter because it’s just, is too much. I think it’s too often people consider cults ‘something of the past’ and don’t consider that there are still many forms of cults today in 2021. It’s a serious thing that leaves people traumatized and scarred. I understand it seems like an interesting or fun or similar topic when considering the first order, but it just rubs me the wrong way that so many people hype about it and love cult Kylo when in reality it’s a horrifying experience many people still go through today.

alright so here’s what i’m gonna do, i’m gonna put this under a read more because the rest of the world doesn’t need to see, nor hear about, my trauma’s unwillingly. 

but what really rubs me the wrong way, is you assuming it’s fine to come into someone’s ask box anonymously and make anyone feel like they have to defend their own trauma or experience to anyone on the internet. you don’t owe me an explanation of your trauma, and i am truly sorry for what you went through. but that does not make it okay for you to assume offhand that someone is writing something for “fun” and not for catharsis from their own traumas. 

cw’s for the following content: domestic abuse mention, entrapment mention, rape mention, the whole nine-yards. 

i am once again going to preface this by letting you know that i am sorry for what you went through. but i do not treat this as a ‘fun’ topic, nor do i treat it as something that doesn’t leave those who endure it as scarred. 

was i in a cult? no. i’ve said several times, though, in the chapter notes for the story, that this is based on my own experience of domestic abuse and severe entrapment. 

my experience is that of being forced to stay inside someone’s tiny apartment for nine months of my life, almost never seeing daylight, and spending most of that time locked in either the bathroom or the bedroom. tied to a radiator, sometimes the bed. i was manipulated and brainwashed into assuming my family and friends hated me, my social media was cut off, and i was isolated from the outside world. i was manipulated into thinking my only place in the world was there, to serve where i was, and nowhere else. and that if he was not there, my life had no purpose. i have navigated my experience with this domestic abuse situation through The Cultist - because it was my way of purging those memories that i find difficult to directly verbalise, in my own way.

the point of the story is not to glamourise the cult, it’s to highlight the issues caused by entrapment - issues i currently, still, face with PTSD - and abuse. TC kylo is not the abuser in this story, which, i can only assume, is why people enjoy him, because he is written as experiencing these symptoms, and these issues, but still is seen as worthy and loveable - something i have directly struggled with, and i channel through writing him. if he can be loved among his traumas, so can i. 

i wanted to write this in a way where i could refrain from making kylo ren the abuser, because i could never stand to see him in the light of my own. my own personal choice. the way it made sense in my mind to write it, was to have both rc and kylo entrapped, as there are parts of me and my experience in both of their characters. 

furthermore: one of my traumas that is often written about in this fandom is violent rape. but i do not go into the askbox’s of those who write it anonymously and assume they do not have their own trauma’s to navigate in their own ways. and even if they didn’t? it’s their content, they can write as they wish. 

i am sorry for what you went through. i dont wish entrapment or manipulation of any kind on anyone, much less that of a cult. but as i said, this is my catharsis journey. 

[ganondoodle]

(your addition is very welcome, you often know much more about general fandom stuff than i do and are pretty good with words!)

i personally wasnt in fandom when botw was new (obsession with it started way later xD) and didnt play it on release either bc i didnt have any money so i dont know what early reactions to zelda was- but i have heard of people being very weird about zelda being what, a little mean to link? like, once? for good reason too? tbh its kind of sad how this zelda is one of ones with most character development (in botw that is, totk zelda barely has a character lmao) when she just doesnt like link (for good reason) from the very start- like it'd be so interesting to have a zelda and link that dont get ever get along tbh

anyway, the fact that a female character cant even be a little mean once without getting hated or labeled as abusive is in itself pretty sexist, like god forbid women are .. people

im still confused as to how anything i or the other person in the og reblog chain said translated to thinking of her as a 'whore' though xD (also since when is my thought bubble the 'general fandom', isnt it exactly the other way around O.o)

i havent played a link between worlds but knew the basics of it- yeah, its really 'interesting' how for hilda its good but when you think of ganondorf like this its annoying and bad, i wonder what the difference is there :)) (no no, dont you see, its da cuuuuuuurse)

it really annoys me how when you ask for even the bare minimum of at least awareness or care in like, big media stuff its now labeled as unreasonable modern 'progressive' demands, its really just their way of dismissing anything they dont want to think about (which is often some form of racism) like our end goal is to have perfectly puritanical(?) paste of nothingness (i certainly didnt have the same view as you, being white and having been a rather sheltered child, but i too thought that he probably wasnt as bad as we were told and wondered why we were just believing everything we were told by the boat (windwaker beign my first zelda game ... set myself up for disappointment from the start huh xD), ganondorf was my favorite character in the entire game and in the end im pretty sure i cried running away from him bc i didnt want to hurt him- which probably stemmed more from the fact i am not neurotypical and hated my questions of "why" being ignored/not explained and villains like him being often 'othered', just like i felt 'other' from everyone else- which is yet another problem point in how villains are often depicted while also 'working as intentend'- but you see, i was an annoying sjw child who cant take a simple fairytale as it is!!!!)

i didnt mention the whole harem thing bc i didnt plan on going on about this stupid comment as much, but yeah, thats another thing (i dont think that person was aware that makes it worse)- as someone who wasnt aware of all the subtle and not so subtle ways of how demonized middle eastern people are and have been for a long time its pretty scary to realize just how normalized it is, even in the little ways (there is no shame in growing and admitting you were living in ignorance for a good portion of your life btw)

i really love when people get worked up about 'wanting hyrule to be SECTRETLY evil' bc ...... they are? not secretely so? the text just justifies it with 'these people are good, so anythign they do is either fine or not important' like its honeslty fascinating how dissmissed it all is, like the shiekah persecution thing is just outright said to you but it doesnt matter? its mentioned just like and offhand comment of no importance, and the yiga are just irredeemable villains or treated as a joke? huh?? like you dont even have to read into it, they just tell and it doesnt matter- do they need zelda to turn to the camera and say "this action my family did was bad" for it to be considered 'bad' ?? do they think we just want the roles reversed? with gan being the unquestioned by the text good guy and hyrule that goes 'harr harr im evil obsessed tm'?? which would be kinda boring again if it wasnt the other way around so many tiems that even that would be refreshing :U

in the end i just wonder why people get so offended when you criticize it, you can still like it? demanding better is a benefit to everyone really? and better doesnt mean more 'pure' or 'non problematic', just like, better written or nuanced characters?? interesting stories?? theres so much interesting stuff you could do (in part bc it IS the way it is) with tloz that it hurts to see it not being capitalized on and people defending it anyway just as much

(anyway, you could talk about everything for so long but i want to do other things as well xD good addition, thank you!)

got this reblog on one of my posts were i talked about being anxious about the future of the zelda series after totk and-

i even went back and unblocked them just to check my own post and check twice what they meant exactly- but i still dont know how they got to these conclusions

i never said i 'want a good uwu ganondorf' (bc that would mean hes aligned with hyrule bc thats how goodness works!!!!11!1!!!), i also dont think of any of the zeldas as 'whores' (seriously, where did that come from?? neither me nor the addition of someone agreeing with me said anything like that??? did they think bc the addition called tloz misogynistic means we think zelda is a whore????? huh???)

its also funny how they say they want zelda to stay a simple fairytale rather than have 'people like me' bc .. one point i talked about in the og post was how the evil arab thing VS good white people media likes to do so much is so normalized here that its simply seen as a simple harmless fairytale trope instead of a big underlying issue in general media and the writers might not even realize it (which is worse) bc the most 'generic' appeal is to people who dont think of it as a problem in the first place, because it is so normalized

(huh, i wonder about what kind of person that part was about .. hmmmm)

(ALSO funny they mention princess hilda as nuanced villain ... like ... wow they are so nuanced about purple haired people!!- like guess why we want a nuanced/less badly/less flat written ganondorf and what he, in particular, has not in common with other villains! its not his hair color! .... or was that point supposed to mean .. look we have one female character that is a villain, its not misogynistic! idk honestly)

(and the classic, "you just call it this/dont like it bc its not what you wanted !!!!!!!2!"1!112!!")

also funny how its 'never gonna be progressive enough' like asking for the franchise to maybe put a little more thought and nuance into their white divine right vs evil desert man simulator instead of making it worse is already asking too much

(i dont know what the last point has to do with anything??)

(also yes totk is racist, like most if not all of the franchise and a alot of other media as well, shocker- you can still like it though, i and plenty of other people are still fans of it, we just wish they did a little more with their stuff and maybe not make the racism problem WORSE)

(also yes the hyrule monarchy is also evil :))) )

(and also not so secretly so either :)) )

[vanilla-vivillon]

Part two of Zoyalai kid as promised

Here’s part one- https://dablackdahlia.tumblr.com/post/650586205772201984/the-black-dahlia

Massive row spoilers

Prince Mycanae Juris Nazyalensky( My Kuh Nay Uh) was turning one years old

It was suprising how quickly he grew up

To Nikolai at least

For Zoya, who adored her son couldn’t wait for him to get older

For one thing while the baby didn’t cry to much at night (whitch was a blessing from the saints)

He couldn’t be Grisha tested

Most ravkans were tested around the age of seven though it varies

Myca was far to young

It was decided when he turned four he would be tested

And so the country was forced to wait four long years

Three more years to go Zoya thought to herself

Myca was an easy baby

That was what his doctors said

He barely if ever cried in the night and was sociable enough

Unlike Genya and David’s son Forrest Kostyk who from all of Zoyas interactions and everything Genya and David mentioned he was a nightmare

Constantly screaming

Hates to eat everything

And now that His teeth were a big enough size he started biting

She had gotten lucky

But Nikolai and her started talking about having more kids

And Zoya found she wanted more aswell

Nikolais pitch however would be far to amusing for her to not listen to

“Come on Zoya only children are the freaks in the playground!” Nikolai said gesturing incredulously

They just gotten Myca put to bed and were having much needed glasses of wine

He needed his rest for his birthday tomorrow

Even though they could’ve had many nannies take care of him that night, neither of them wanted that

Nikolai grew up like that and he wasn’t as close to his mother because of it.

Not to mention the old king was scarce most of his early upbringing

Zoya didn’t want that for Myca either

Of course with all of there duties they had to get some help but they always, always, made sure they put him to bed in the room across from there’s

“Nikolai I’m an only child” zoya retorted

“Touché, but what if something were to happen that Myca couldn’t become king? We would need another option!” Nikolai threw back

Nikolai having another realization

“Plus, it would’ve really helped me growing up to have a good sibling”

This was something Zoya thought about aswell

As a girl she wished for a baby sister

And so did her mother

Sabina had four miscarriages

The last one was the worst

She was safely in the third trimester when it happened

Sabina was distraught for weeks

And when she finally came to, she was different

Harder

Sadder

Meaner

And a couple years later marching Zoya down an aisle

“You know I’m already convinced Nikolai right?” Zoya laughed tired of this charade

Before Myca was born Zoya thought she’d have one

One child

One heir

But she had changed her mind and wanted more

Nikolai showed her a dazzling smile “perfect” he said with a kiss

Zoyas second pregnancy was different

Her morning sickness wasn’t as bad as her first

But a new thing has arrived

cravings

She was consuming unhealthy amounts of Ravkan chocolates

But nonetheless the baby’s due date was July eighth

The date came and passed

But it was nothing to be worried about

There was a lot of moments where they were like “this Is it, the babies coming” then nope

Zoya was 43 weeks pregnant

The baby would be post term

Nikolai would say this is a sign that this child was going to Be late for everything

A difference when Myca was born on the exact due date

But in the middle of the night July twenty second Zoya went into Labor

There second child was Prince Nazariy (Nah-Zuh-ree) Dominik Nazyalensky

He had Brown skin almost darker then Zoya’s and black hair

But it was his eyes that captivated people

He had sectoral heterochromia

His Blue eyes like his Mothers had parts of brown (example below)

They decided on his middle name after Nikolais friend Dominick after some rigorous debate

Zoya wanted to continue with Saint middle names

Nikolai argued Juris was a personal friend

In the end with Nikolais charisma he won

His name Nazariy was actually found in a simple baby book

While Mycanae was in old ravkan and they liked the nickname Myca

They were much more lax with there second son

They eventually decided to have four kids but wanted to wait until Myca would get tested before having there next two children

Time skip three years because your girl can’t detail everything

Myca was four years old and today was the day

He was dressed in his best clothes

What would happen is he would go up in front of the entirety of the Ravkan nobility and other ambassadors and such and would get tested

Zoyas power still couldn’t sense anything in him or Nazariy, but a couple months prior Forrest Kostyk was revealed to be an Alkemi

It seemed that when the grisha first used there ability it activates something and typically Zoya could sense it

Because now Zoya could see Forrest as an Alkemi easily

So while she couldn’t sense anything in her sons that didn’t mean there was nothing there

Zoya and Nikolai had finally gotten most of the details finished and it was them, Nazariy and Myca, and the triumvirate working out some details in the meeting room

Well, Nazariy was pretending he was a squaller by blowing on some paper

And Myca was clearly trying to convince him that wasn’t how it worked

It seemed Myca hadn’t quite grasped his two year old little brother couldn’t care less about what he thought

A fact that would never change over the years

“I don’t understand why we don’t just test him right here right now?” Adrik insisted for the ninth time “less risk”

“And then what if he turns out to be Grisha but presented before the nobility nothing happens? The grisha test only works when they just start out” Tamar responded

“It could still work in front of the nobility” Adrik insisted

“And if all else fails we can just tell him to summon a gust” Tolya added

Tolya was fiercely protective of the boys

It probably started when a couple months ago Myca showed a vague interest in his favorite Poet and the friendship bloomed

“Tolya most summoners can’t summon until days of practice” Leoni interjected “Plus, we’ve made plans on all outcomes and it’s to late to change them now, look on the bright si-”

“Nazariy spit that out!” Zoya interupted

Apparently the little hellhound put one of David’s nails in his mouth

Nazariy, learning his mother wasn’t to be trifled with quickly on, spit it out

Back to the conversation they started on a topic healthy debated

“There’s no way the kid is Grisha!” Adrik started on

“But Adrik he hasn’t gotten sick. And Grisha dont get sick to!” Leoni countered

This back and forth started since Zoya announced her pregnancy

It was a headache really

But when she turned towards the three boys who had come to mean the world to her it was all worth it

Nikolai was with the boys and was apparently taking on Nazariy’s side claiming him blowing on the paper was just as credible as Mommy’s lightning

Myca fought back and claimed any otkaxatsya could do that

It was something happening more often

Myca makes an offhand statement and Nikolai fighting the other side

It was adorable really how Mycas eyes would light up and debate with his father

Plus it would make him think more critically and would make a good king out of him

Not to mention how it really helped Nikolai and him bond

Nikolai and him had some trouble sometimes

Myca doesn’t usually respond to jokes

It seemed after his silly and rambunctious troublemaker of a brother was born he decided he would have to be serious enough for the both of them

Or at least as serious as a four year old could be

But rigourous debate on whether or not green looked good on Nazariy was something they both seemed to enjoy

And as much as Zoya wished she could watch forever it was time

Time to see if her baby boy had certain talents

Myca was scared

He was behind the door waiting to be presented before his mother, father, brother, who would all be seated on the thrones, and of course the rest of the nobility

‘People like you Myca!’ Nikolai would insist ‘there’s nothing to worry about no matter what happens!’

Myca thought he was trying to alleviate the pressure but it wasn’t working

Suddenly his que to come In was called and he walked in

Head held high and posture immaculate he waltzed through the door

The person who was testing him was the Baron of Banewood

An old man who hated nonsense, children, and Prince Nazariy since he was both of those things

He came forward and after some very boring speeches that Myca couldn’t bring himself to listen to until the Baron told him to stick out his hand

Myca complied and the baron produced a very big pin

Guess everyone wanted to be really sure he was Grisha or not

His eyes wandered to his family

Theyre faces looked calculatingly impassive

He knew it was a front

They needed to seem stable for the people

Nazariy who was standing next to the throne was having difficulties standing still

Myca felt bad for him

Half of being royalty is sitting still looking pretty

He trained his eyes back on his parents and saw his father give him a small wink

I got this, I’m prepared for the result, I can do this

As the pin was stabbed into his skin Myca felt it

That calling

That thing begging to come out whenever he saw his Mother doing something grand

Or when he really wanted his brother to leave him alone

And Myca let it overcome him

When he opened his eyes he could see the Baron knocked over and a small breeze

A firm hand clamped his shoulder

“Congratulations Mycanae” Tolya started dragging him away from the scene where the nobility were discussing the scene “Your a Squaller”

Hey so part two of the Zoyalai kid as promised. This was originally gonna be longer but then It became a 230 word monster and i cut it down and will save the rest for part three

35 likes and I’ll make part three

[lunarreaper-ut]

How exactly did killer loose his arm? Was it cuz he got distracted or was it tactic to prevent something even worse?? ;-; how did nightmate take that sight? How did he get the idea to give killer some of his magic to make an artificial arm for him, did he knew it would work? Was it a hard or painful process for any of them?? (God i love the idea of killer getting a shadow arm from nm >w< makes him even cooler! Kyaaaaa~ still a sad thing tho uwu)

Was nightmare ever in the mood/need/curious to ask killer sing somehing (for him~)??

What ships will happen in kingdomverse??

Alsoo... Uhh dont know if thats an OK question but can they get pregnant? I wanna know if babybones are an possibility in the future? qwq

Ah yes... the Incident.

Allow me to explain the unfortunate event in which Killer almost failed at his job.

(This is gonna be heckin, and I mean HECKIN long. We got some worldbuilding ahead!)

How did Killer lose his arm?

This event happened several years after Killer began his duties as Royal Guard. Dream had already told Nightmare he no longer needed a Royal Guard, and Killer already expressed his wish to stay as one. Nightmare and Killer were frequently having their nightly visits, and things were going well.

One night, however, after Killer had returned to his room and the two had settled in for bed, something happened.

Now I haven't mentioned this before, mainly cause your questions have thankfully not uncovered it >w< During Nightmare's reign, there was much despair in the Kingdom. Negativity brings out the worst in people, as we're all aware I'm sure, and it's no wonder that some people would be driven mad by the results of Nightmare's actions.

Some people began to believe that if they worshipped Nightmare, they would be spared from his wrath and from the destruction his crafted creatures wrought. These people formed a cult dedicated to Nightmare, praising his actions and renouncing their loyalty to the Sun King. They called themselves The Corrupted.

Cults are a very hard thing to get rid of, especially if you weren't aware they existed. When Dream returned and cast Nightmare into the Void, the Corrupted hid themselves in the shadows, vowing to return only once their "True King" returns as well.

The issue arose when Nightmare did return from the Void. Nightmare, throughout his reign, was most often seen as his "transformed" self, and it was that self that The Corrupted worshipped, not Nightmare.

The Corrupted believed that they could bring back the "True King", and to do so they needed to remove the "Imposter King". The cult spent time learning the routines of the castle in order to break in to Nightmare's quarters when they were certain no one was around.

They had acquired a drug meant to incapacitate monsters and suppress their magic, and modified it to be several times as strong. Nightmare certainly wasn't at his strongest either, the Kingdom was a naturally positive place when Dream was around.

A few cult assassins threw a smoke bomb filled with the drug into Nightmare's room while he slept, and unfortunately it worked well enough. Nightmare wasn't unconscious, but he didn't have as fine of control over his magic or his own body.

The assassins came into the room, intending to kidnap Nightmare, but it's rather fortunate that Killer is a light sleeper, isn't it? Killer came into the room just as one of the assassins was about to grab Nightmare.

There was quite a few of them, as they'd been prepared for resistance, and though I hate to say it, they were skilled too. They weren't just some guy picked off the street and given a weapon, it was as if they'd been trained for years just for this moment.

It's likely they had been. Killer was having difficulties, but holding his own well enough. He would only really need to hold them off long enough for the guards to get to the room. Well, that's what he thought until he saw another assassin coming towards a practically immobile Nightmare, and he clearly wasn't intending to just kidnap the King.

Killer moved without thinking, and without his armor he was much more vulnerable to attacks... but getting injured wasn't an issue. He had to protect Nightmare at all costs, even if it meant he got hurt. That was the moment he lost his arm.

Killer didn't have time to register the pain, and slew the assassin who dared attempt to harm Nightmare. Killer was outnumbered still, and if he was having difficulties before, it was going to be impossible to hold out now.

He was lucky he didn't have to though, as several Guardsmen burst into the room. Seems they'd finally heard the commotion. The Guardsmen drove out the assassins, only managing to capture two. Killer was tended to, and he refused to leave Nightmare's side until the drug wore off.

How did Nightmare handle it?

Nightmare was half conscious in the moment, and so most of what he saw didn't register properly. It was only when the drug had worn off and he saw Killer by his side, sans one arm (Hehe), that it hit him.

Nightmare was angry first and foremost. He was angry it happened, angry Killer was dumb enough to get hurt, angry he wasn't able to resist the stupid drug, and angry that Killer seemed completely unbothered.

Nightmare didn't react well at all, and he ended up putting Killer on temporary leave. When Killer tried to refuse Nightmare said he was useless with only one arm, and Nightmare didn't need a useless Guard. Killer shut up pretty quickly.

Killer was still allowed to stay at the castle of course, but he was forbidden from coming near Nightmare's office, or taking part in any Guard duties. Nightmare believed that what happened was the stupidest thing Killer could have done, and refused to think otherwise.

It was during Killer's leave that Nightmare did research. He interrogated the cult members, and utilized glamours (Which we all know he's not fond of) in order to leave the castle without issue. Throughout his research, he spoke with the Court Apothecary regularly about Killer's injury. How was he fairing, is he at risk of dusting, is there anything to be done, stuff like that.

The Apothecary had made an offhanded comment that Killer is going to be without his arm for the rest of his life, since skeletons don't regenerate. Not unless he got enough magic to replace the missing arm at least.

He mentioned just getting a prosthetic for Killer, but that went in one ear and out the other, so to speak. Nightmare began to think about the suggestion (even though it was a joke). Nightmare had a large surplus of magic, and he thought about whether or not it was possible to somehow weave his magic with Killer's and form a new limb.

By the time Killer had returned to Nightmare, asking to return to his duties, the King had already figured out a way to properly do the procedure. He of course asked Killer if he would be allowed to do so, that he wasn't certain if it would work and that it certainly wouldn't be pretty.

Killer agreed without issue. The process was indeed a painful one... fusing Nightmare's magic with Killer's was difficult, and it was akin to taking a freezing cold needle and sewing a constantly shifting mass of energy directly to his soul. (Not actually how it worked, it's just how it felt).

The only reason Killer got through the procedure was because of Nightmare's intent. We all know that intent comes through to Monsters when involving magic, and Nightmare's intent made the process a lot less painful. Heal, fix, help, care, all those things came through to Killer.

It helped that Nightmare had a good relationship with Killer. His magic was much more willing to accept Killer's and vice versa. If this had been done between Nightmare and a stranger, it wouldn't have worked.

It took Killer a few days to work the arm properly. It was almost dead weight for a while. After that, it took even longer for him to properly fight with it, and longer still for him to be able to utilize the magic it was made with.

Has Nightmare ever asked Killer to sing for him?

Nope, Nightmare doesn't even know Killer can or that he has a good voice XD Killer has never sung in front of anyone, nor does he care to. It's just not something he does, but I imagine there could be a few scenarios where he gets coerced into it. Singing with friends, soothing a wounded animal (Yes Killer would do that, he likes small animals. They're cute.), that kind of stuff.

Nightmare's never had a reason to think Killer could sing. >w<

What Ships are going to be canon in Kingdomverse?

Well we've already got Cream, Killermare and Afterdeath as being confirmed.

Honestly I've kinda decided to leave the others more open for interpretation! If you want, you can say Errink is gonna happen, Lust could probably be someones s/o, it's all up to interpretation >w<

Theres quite the cast of characters in Kingdomverse?, and there might be more added later (if I can think of them), so honestly I'm sure there's no issue with some other ships coming to life!

Basically theres no other planned canon ships >w<

Can the skellies get preggers?

I don't see why not! Nightmare and Dream being immortals doesn't stop them from having kids, but I would say that if they did it would probably be through a different process than mortals.

I'd say that monsters need to make the conscious, or unconscious decision that they want a child or that they are ready for a child before they can have one.

Nightmare and Dream would probably be a bit difficult to have a child with purely because they have an immense amount of power and magic (even after a bond), so it might be a bit risky even for them to have kids.

(if any of you do make ship kids I want to see them though, I love baby bones >w<)

[newtedison]

my thoughts on the crank palace

i touched about this a bit on twitter (@newtedison_) but i figured i would Try and touch on my points more here (spoilers obv) again, its sort of lengthy

1. im gonna start with talking about the ending because i need to get it out of the way. either i havent read the books in a while and i forgot some canon (which could very well be true, i literally forgot that Bliss was a thing) or this ending makes no sense and is (somehow) setting up for a tdc sequel? so first off, newt was shot in the Head with a Bullet and somehow didnt immediately die? i know that that can happen in real life but it just seems so unlikely that not only would he not die, but he would survive long enough for someone from WCKD to transport him back to their labs and try to revive him. and who the fuck was he talking to? did thomas get newt’s journal at some point and i just dont remember? like i said, either im forgetting stuff or this ending doesnt make sense and is setting up a sequel which...i’ll get to later

2. why was this written? like, what was the point? i understand that this wasnt going to be all sunshine and rainbows but i feel like i was reading torture porn. like, literally all that happens is newt gets tortured (which is described in detail) by WCKD soldiers, has bouts of insane-fueled rage where he KILLS MULTIPLE PEOPLE, and then he dies. ??? what did this contribute to the canon? what was this trying to accomplish? truthfully, i never really wanted a newt-POV...well, anything except for maybe those little nuggets he wrote some time ago. but even if i HAD wanted a newt-POV novella, this is not what i would have wanted. he KNOWS that newt is almost universally the most loved character in this franchise. you can tell because he constantly uses him as a way to get fans in his good graces again. so why on earth would he take that character that so many people love and write a novella where its torture porn and a descent into madness before death? i am not interested in that At All. i’ve read fics (and even written a drabble) where newt is a Crank, and those were more respectful and easier to read than tcp. the parts where newt is having bouts of the Flare were literally exhausting to read; it was described in such vivid and torturous detail that it made me sick reading it. and it didnt help that newt is a character i care a lot about. i didn’t need to know what becoming a Crank felt like. the way it was described in the other books (and even the movies) told me everything i needed to know. the way thomas and everyone found newt at the crank palace in tdc and hes described as obviously not well, but not knowing what exactly happened to him...thats good enough on its own. the mystery of what exactly newt had to endure is part of what gives his journey more emotional depth. not everything needs to be written out and explained. not every gap needs to be filled in. 

3. me saying “the characterization felt off” is going to make some people roll their eyes because ‘duh, sami, the characterization will be off because he’s going insane’ to which i say...exactly. we weren’t really reading a newt-POV novella, were we? even if he isn’t past the Gone in the beginning, hes clearly not the same person we knew him as. the whole novella felt like an uncanny valley situation; i knew i was supposed to be reading about newt, but it felt like i was reading about someone else who looked like him. and that is part of what made this such a disconnect and made me lose interest at parts. not only that, but the world building and lore is inconsistent. newt makes a comment about how it used to rain in the glade, and apparently (as ive been told) that is simply not true. keisha having somehow working cell phone that magically connects her to her family also doesnt make sense. how would they have each others’ numbers? what are the odds that they BOTH found working cell phones in an apocalypse? i get that its a novella but you cant just throw something that crazy in there as a plot convenience. actually work on your plot and world building in a cohesive way, please. and another thing that doesnt make sense...

4. ...is newt finding out that sonya is his sister. if there was anything i would have wanted from a newt-pov novella, it would have been this. him finding out that not only is sonya his sister, but he already knows her post-WCKD. something that would have made this novella actually captivating, contributing something worthwhile to the canon that i would actually want to read, is if newt found out while in the crank palace that sonya was his sister; the Flare would remove that part of the Slice in his brain, and he would realize it was her. then, knowing that he couldnt go past the Gone before seeing her, he would try to find a way to get back to her. he could learn this after thomas and everyone originally see him, so it could match up with the canon. and then, by the time 250 comes along, hes lost all hope of that actually happening, and lashes out to thomas in a fit of rage. the journey of him trying to find his ACTUAL sister would have meant more to me than the story of keisha and dante. trust me, i love a found family trope as much as the next girl. but this series is FULL of the found family trope. it pretty much is the backbone of the franchise. so to see a blood family dynamic would have been a refreshing change of pace that i actually would have been interested in reading. also, the way that newt DOES find out about sonya is...underwhelming. he just randomly says “you remind me of my sister, sonya” to keisha in the WCKD truck. first of all, sonya is not the name you would actually know her by. you would know her by her birth name (which is lizzy? elizabeth?). second, why does he act like he didnt already meet her in the series? when the WCKD doctor tells him sonya is his sister and is alive, hes so surprised. wouldn’t he have known that already? why is there not more emphasis on the fact he already met her? that would have been a really interesting dynamic to explore, and im sad they didnt

5. the pacing and dialogue of tcp is so dragged out. i remember specifically there was a section where newt goes to talk to keisha after she starts abandoning dante, and i swear to god there was a page and a half of text before anything ACTUALLY happened or anyone ACTUALLY said anything. dashner described a launcher at one point as “the energy dependent electric firing projectile device.” that’s SIX words to describe a stun gun. a fucking stun gun! we know what it is! why did you have to use six words??? it just felt like everything was dragged and stretched to the longest it could possibly be and it added to the exhaustion i felt while reading it

6. okay i cant end it without talking about newtmas. its very obvious by now that newtmas is a VERY large part of this fanbase. its clearly the most popular ship and what keeps a lot of people interested in this series. even the marketing team for the MOVIES used newtmas as a advertising tactic (i.e.; using thomas and newt standing face to face as a thumbnail for the trailer, emphasizing newtmas based questions in interviews, even making a fucking facebook memories video for them. yes that last one is real). not only does dashner use newt as a way to lure fans in; he also uses newtmas. the parts that were sprinkled into this were so obvious that it didnt feel authentic. i cant speak for the original trilogy; i dont know the culture around ships back then, and i dont know how much it influenced his writing at the time. but the scenes in those books felt more genuine than tcp. by genuine i mean; he wrote scenes without a relationship in mind, but the chemistry had noticeable subtext that, while unintentional, was largely agreed upon by the larger audience. the parts of newtmas he added into tcp felt artificial and forced, likely as a way for people to take snippets of and use as a free marketing tool for him. one example you might have already seen; “he had already gotten used to his post-thomas, post-WCKD life.” the fact that dashner SPECIFICALLY used the phrase “post-thomas” rather than “post-his friends” or something similar shows that he is using newtmas as a hook on purpose. not only that, but to make newt’s last thoughts as he died “tommy. tommy will understand...” is...wow. first of all, i never wanted to know what newt’s dying thoughts were, but thanks, i guess? and second, when we all initially thought newt died underneath thomas with a gun to his head, i was pretty much inferred that newts last thoughts would probably be about thomas; they would sort of have to be, given the circumstances. so adding that in gives me the same feeling that “i’m coming for you, newt” at the end of the fever code gave me. not as offensive, but written very much on purpose. and the ending is implying that there will somehow be a sequel where thomas gets newt’s journal from...someone. at this point, i can only think that this sequel will retroactively make newtmas canon somehow. now that newt has been confirmed as gay, it could happen. which brings me to my last point...

7. hearing dashner confirm newt is gay was already mind-boggling before. now that i’ve read the crank palace...im angry. im very angry. i think its safe to say that newt is the character that suffers the most in this series. you can argue with me but hes definitely high on the list, if not #1. so; you take this character. you give him a horribly sad arc in the original trilogy, then decide to expand upon it and tell us, your largely QUEER fanbase, exactly how painful and torturous his last days were, in detail. and then you tell us he’s gay. something that is never mentioned in the canon, only in an offhanded reply to a tweet of someone calling you out. on a base level, i can understand why people would be happy. representation (i guess), seeing themselves in the character, having their headcanons be confirmed. great. but what i see is you telling your largely queer fanbase “hey, you see the only confirmed gay character? im going to literally write torture porn about him before killing him off and offer it to you like im providing a service to your community.” how fucked up is that? “hey, kids, if youre gay, you WILL be violently tortured and become violent and a danger to the ones you love. then you will die and your love will never be reciprocated.” what a message! and if he DOES end up retroactively making newtmas “canon” in some weird sequel...i will start foaming at the mouth. THIS is an example of how not all queer representation is good or genuine.

i’ve definitely forgotten some points but this is long enough already. let me know if you agree or if theres anything else you want to add! im interested in what you guys think

(8. I JUST REMEMBERED!!! if WCKD needed to study newt so bad bc sonya is his sister and is immune while he isnt, why did they let him run around the crank palace in the first place??? you cant test his vitals or anything you’re literally just watching him. what is the point????)

[blookmallow]

im starting to realize there’s a bunch of connections going on between tma episodes.. i dont know what it Means yet and dont tell me!!!!! ill get there!! but. hmmm. im going through the transcripts after i listen to them to make sure i didnt miss things/checking the details and i just. Keep Finding More Shit, it’s all connected, i feel like there’s something huge going on behind all these and i Do Not Know what it is yet 

this is. very long and disjointed i went through all the transcripts for every episode ive listened to so far and kept noticing more things 

like Don’t Tell Me if im right or wrong ill find out im just gathering thoughts. setting up my little conspiracy board. red strings everywhere

- firstly theres an obvious running thread going about the cursed jurgen leitner books, gerard keay, the. worms. and jane prentiss 

- carlos vittery in Arachnophobia mentions offhand that his complex had an infestation of “small, silvery worms” which passed right over my head the first time but looking at it again thATS THE FUCKIGN WORMS!!!! and martin found. Probably Jane in the basement of that same complex. so. well, (that also means like Who Knows how many people in that building might have gotten infected) (i also wonder whether the spiders might actually be Good, if the worms are hideous parasites maybe the spiders are showing up to eat them/get rid of them, martin says he likes spiders, the spiders almost definitely killed vittery but he was violently trying to wipe them out so maybe it was a greater good kind of thing) (or they’re just spiders and dont have that level of comprehension and like the nasty silver worms. either way) 

- there’s also a lot of Foretelling Of Death but i dont want to go through and list all of those rn

- in Anglerfish, there was some kind of. shadowy hand thing beckoning people into the darkness. Amy Patel in Across The Street describes seeing a similar shadowy hand thing reaching into Graham’s apartment before his. replacement. both of these are described as “folding” in on themselves/moving in a really unnatural way. smoking was also mentioned in both but i havent really been following that as a symbol very closely. possible link with Fire? i dont know

- Repetition. Graham was obsessively filling hundreds of notebooks with the words “Keep Watching,” mary keay’s skin was completely covered in unreadable script tattoos, the paper found by the garbage men was the Lord’s prayer written in latin over and over again, ivo lensik’s father became completely obsessed with fractals and couldn’t stop drawing them. the unnamed burned man in First Aid repeats an unclear phrase over and over again. gerard keay is also covered in tattoos of eyes in First Aid, which was not mentioned before (though probably wouldn’t have been visible before) 

- Graham was convinced he was being watched/followed by Something, harriet was concerned about being followed after she was attacked by prentiss (which. matches with martin’s experience too, though he was much more fortunate), vittery was followed by The Spider, lensik’s father also believed Something was coming for him (and “all the bones are in his hands” sounds very. leitner), and there was. whatever approaching darkness was coming after robert montauk, as well 

- Graham has a weirdly hypnotic table, the first Leitner book found by dominic swain had oddly vertigo-inducing woodcuttings, gerard keay’s eye painting is similarly hypnotic, lensik finds a box in the old tree with the same hypnotic carvings on it 

- not sure if the Spider Apple has any relation to the Arachnophobia episode, but, there’s that, also 

- swain’s book had an image of the sky, which he described felt like you would “fall into it” if you looked at it for too long, and robert kelly sort of “fell into the sky” in Freefall. laura popham describes a sense of being swallowed up by the earth in Lost Johns’ Cave, as well 

- same theme of becoming “lost” in Lost Johns’ Cave and in Alone, similar concepts of being consumed by the earth 

- i dont think its necessarily related to anything else as far as i know but just wanted to mention also i didn’t process the... extra audio recording in Lost Johns’ Cave correctly, i thought she was saying “help me, help me, please help me” which was unnerving, but didn’t really seem all that critical to add, until looking at the transcripts i realized it was “take her, not me” which was a HUGE punch to the gut when i discovered it lmao. dont ask how i managed to mishear that badly but i am very very bad at auditory processing which is why im reading all these scripts to make sure i didnt process them wrong

- Graham mentions he’s gay, and the man who had the dream about gertrude mentions having broken up with his boyfriend, Graham. jon doesn’t comment on this and it’s not necessarily the same graham, and im not sure what the significance is if it is, but it seems like an odd coincidence if it isn’t. “antonio” doesn’t go into detail about why they broke up, but mentions they had been living together 

- the name Joshua Gillespie stands out to me for some reason, like I’ve heard “gillespie” somewhere before, but I haven’t noticed it coming up again in any of the transcripts unless I just missed it. could just be that my brain decided to Remember that name for no reason though. he’s the guy with the coffin 

- jon mentions this, but Breekon and Hope deliveries were responsible both for the weird coffin and the yellow stole from the incident with father burroughs 

- there’s a major ongoing theme of Fire and Burning, both just in general, and a more specific Fire With No Apparent Source thing continuously happening. the prayer paper in the trash had been burned, timothy hodge burned his apartment after the Worms Incident (and martin mentions noticing one of the worms looked slightly burnt - maybe it survived the fire and returned to jane?), sgt. berry was “distinctively marked” by an incident with a flamethrower, the vampires are supposedly very very vulnerable to fire, raymond fielding’s house burned down and his. ghost? disappears with a burning smell and a burnt spot on the floor, lensik experiences an intense, unbearable heat with no clear cause soon after the encounter with raymond, which father burroughs also experiences in his account. the mysterious coffin in Do Not Open had an unnatural heat to it. gerard keay burns the leitner book and picks up the still-smoldering ashes but isn’t concerned with the heat, and then appears again as one of the burned men in First Aid, having apparently experienced second-degree burns on every inch of his skin, but had completely undamaged clothes. the nurse describes feeling a burning sensation when the chanting starts, but dismisses it as a nervous reaction, then experiences the. boiling drink bottles and the burning hot door handles. she says she could feel a burning heat from gerard’s hand. the burned man’s body immediately self-cremates when gerard kills him. lee rentoul also gives specifically a lighter to angela for her Piecemeal curse, though that might be coincidental. he does burn the first box after he discovers it, though

- the garbage man describes the last Weird Trash as “tied off with a dark green ribbon, arranged in a bow like an old-fashioned Christmas present” - which contained a copper heart, possibly symbolizing alan’s real heart, with the rest of his body never being found. this matches both with robert montauk’s killings and the cursed boxes from angela’s curse- “brown paper and string, like an old-fashioned Christmas present.” there was also the weird thing with raymond’s hand, but im not sure that’s related 

the vampires’ victims bodies also seemed to disappear, not sure that’s related either 

- jon confirms that the pendant julia describes (the one belonging to her mother and also her father’s last victim) is a symbol of the People’s Church of the Divine Host cult. wondering if this is related to what father burroughs experienced. gerard keay is searching for a lost pendant in First Aid, but its design is unclear, and he describes it as brass. unsure if related. the fact that gerard’s tattoos/etc were of eyes, and the other pendant is of a closed eye, while one is made of brass and the other of silver seems like there might be some connection though even if it isn’t the same one. there didn’t seem to be any burning involved with the montauk case, anyway 

then there’s. this entire thing im just gonna paste it here, from sebastian adekoya in the Boneturner’s Tale: 

“Books are amazing, aren’t they? I mean, when you think about what they really are. People don’t give the actuality of language the weight it deserves, I feel. Words are a way of taking your thoughts, the very make-up of yourself, and giving them to another. Putting your thoughts in the mind of someone else. They are not a perfect method, of course, as there’s plenty of scope for mutation and corruption between your mind and that of the listener, but that doesn’t change the essence of what language is.

Spoken aloud, though, the thought dies quickly if not picked up. Simple vibrations that vanish almost as soon as they are created, though if they find a host, then they can lodge there, proliferate, and maybe spread further. Still, it is not a reliable method in terms of a thought’s endurance, as humans are fragile creatures, and rarely last a century.” 

this definitely seems relevant to jurgen leitner (and this is. one of the episodes about a leitner book, so) it definitely seems likely that he’s spreading some kind of.... Belief or Self or Power or Something through his books, possibly even his own consciousness is within them somehow, or at least the consciousness of Something or Someone. the man with all the bones in his hands. taking bones and warping them. bones appearing in the pages but Wrong. might be related to the bag of teeth, too, hundreds of All The Same Tooth

definitely something to the... immortalization of thoughts/memories/Consciousness through written word, especially when we consider the words literally tattooed into mary keay’s skin/the book possibly bound in her skin. i cant put a coherent thought together on this but its definitely... important, i think 

sebastian also for some reason specifically mentions he was holding a copy of Stephen King’s Misery in the confrontation with Jared’s mother, which is a story about an author being forced to write something against his will/words that aren’t really his own, to appease someone else, which. seems like it might be relevant somehow too, maybe. the fact that it was named specifically when it wasn’t apparently relevant to the story seems interesting 

[emmabebe0906]

banned from gay in time

i make this post because ive been left with no other options..

i was fairly active in the discord server a gay in time and i made a few friends, but i dont know their names and i cant go back and check now so this is my only chance to see them again. i was emma/emmabebe, my art blog is @emmabebe0906art , was making a big snatcher plushie.... my discord its Emmabebe#0906 if u ever wanna talk ;;

im sure people will be wondering and asking Why i was banned since i dont usually get into drama, so ill just get ahead and address it under the cut

it was because of this dumb situation ..

in summary wherever the “people-who-like-vanessa blocklist” came from it was actually some secret blocklist that wasnt supposed to be leaked?? nowhere did it say that it was secret and nobody made it clear that it was so i just Mentioned it offhand in this post when i was discussing the “liking a fictional character doesnt make you problematic” stuff. and then suddenly i was booted from all the servers without warning or explanation.

i panicked and asked my friend ren about it, and i found out through them that i was banned for “threatening” to release the blocklist. now both me and ren thought i didnt sound like i was Threatening, so i wanted to talk to them because i really didnt mean it that way. one of the mods finally reached out to me after going back and forth through ren (bless u ren imgonna draw u something when i get the time).

i dont have anything to hide, so this is what we discussed:

https://prnt.sc/rhzg98

https://prnt.sc/rhzgcx

basically, everything they said i was banned for i explained, and when they ran out of reasons it just,, ended up being that they banned me because they just  didnt like me or my wording or something?? i dont know.. i really dont understand it and im upset at how badly they handled the situation.

i probably worded this harshly like i usually do on accident but i dont care after all this nonsense. im really disappointed. i dont even Want to be back in the server anymore when most of the mods just decided im their enemy so. heres this post. if anyone wants to talk about what happened for whatever reason my dms are open either here or discord. or wherever.  whatever .  uhgg

[normal-thoughts-official]

Question.... how might you fit Camille angst into Camboy AU? Or Asmodeous? You dont have to if you dont want to but I love angst

[pulls out fully prepared powerpoint] im glad you asked….

seriously tho, if you think that i don’t want to fit camille angst into this AU, ur an idiot. i always want to fit camille angst. come on anon, youre better than this.

anyway. AHEM.

warning ahead for descriptions of emotional and sexual abuse, transphobia, manipulation

ok so when camille and magnus got together he wasn’t doing cam stuff yet, but i’m thinking he was already considering it? like it’s something he wanted to do and had the means to and thought he could enjoy and make some money out of. i have mixed thoughts about his backstory here, like, maybe he was a college dropout? because he ran away from home because of asmodeus. and he had the support of maia - maybe they even ran away together since she also ran away from home? hmm - and raphael (who had lost his family and had been lowkey taken under magnus’ wing and so he left with him too?) and cat and ragnor whom he possibly met later? and he was in a new city where he didn’t know many people and didn’t have an income source and thus he was even more vulnerable to camille’s abuse. like he still studies the shit he enjoys and actually i have this half-cooked thought about how him, maia, cat and ragnor wanting to develop, like, some sort of substance to help clean the ocean but they don’t want to do it for a company cuz they want it to be easily accessible and not used for profit, so they kind of do it voluntarily together, and- i’m not answering the goddamn question what the fuck shit goddamn you stupid fucking brain youve been WAITING for this question

anyWAY when magnus first met camille he still wasn’t doing cam stuff, he was living with maia and raphael and living off gigs? and still considering going back to college at the time (but he ultimately decided that nah it’s not worth the debt when he is doing just fine being self taught). but he was still in a bad mental space and wasn’t very stable and that made him all the more vulnerable to her bullshit

she was actually the reason he didn’t start doing cam stuff sooner - he had the means and he wanted to, but. well, first of all, camille was a possessive, jealous girlfriend. she would do this thing where she would simultaneously tell him she didn’t find him attractive - from saying that no one else could ever love someone like him to more casual, offhand, even matter-of-fact comments about how of course he needs makeup, or just vague comments like “kissing you is so weird sometimes” that she didn’t expand on and left him to mull over - and think he would cheat on her with, like, anyone and anything, and being extremely possessive.

she wouldn’t let him go out with friends unless she was with him - and when she was with him, she wouldn’t interact with them a lot unless it was to be lowkey nasty and try to get them to pick up a fight. so eventually magnus started not wanting to see his friends anymore because it meant more stress and not a good time. maybe he even moved out to live with camille for a while? or she was just always there and kept telling him that his friends - especially raphael - were trying to pit him against her. 

and if magnus ever complained about it, she would say that this is exactly why she doesn’t trust him - because he keeps insisting on seeing them without her so much. what does he have to hide? and why isn’t her presence enough? if their relationship is not enough for him and he keeps wanting to be with other people without her, does he even want to be with her at all? does he even truly love her? if she’s not enough for him even as a friend, why would she be as a girlfriend? and she doesn’t deserve that humiliation, to be cheated on when she settled for him and gave him her all.

so obviously if he ever started doing cam shit, even if by himself, even if with her knowing, even if it’s not really cheating…. he knew she’d flip. she’d never let him. besides, she was helping him, right? she was rich and had no qualms about paying things for him, even if she was constantly commenting how embarrassing that must be for him. “poor baby, can’t even afford to look after yourself, need your girlfriend to help you so you can eat, huh?”. 

(it was embarrassing. not because she was a girl, but just because he never wanted to be a burden to anyone)

but anyway, if he had her, he wouldn’t really need to do something like this, would he? what would she even say? would she even want to stay with him, when he knew she found sex workers disgusting and laughable?

(there’s a little more to it, too - the comments about his appearance started to get to him. why would anyone want to pay to see magnus’ body, when his own girlfriend didn’t like it? when she needed him to make up for it?)

and well not to go on a tangent (altho it’s not really a tangent because it does apply to this au) but i do have this headcanon that i’ve been wanting to talk about but never had the energy to daouhsdaudas that camille gave him so much shit for being a bottom

like…. “what kind of man are you, who doesn’t even want to be the one to fuck? wouldn’t it be easier to just stay a girl?”. but not just that, either. also just thinking that the idea of a man wanting to be fucked by a woman is pathetic, ridiculous. she would never. and like, that is fine, because it’s not like magnus hates topping or anything, he just prefers bottoming. but he’s topped a lot before - he always wants his partners to enjoy themselves, after all, so it’s no big deal. so, you know, he’d top her, no problem

but with her, it always felt like some kind of test

during sex was the only time she ever praised him, except for when he decided to do what she wanted after they had some sort of disagreement or fight. but it was always full of these little humiliations - and not the good, arousing kind that he was into, no matter how many times camille told him to stop whining because she knew he liked stuff like this - like comments on his body, on his appearance, on his performance. the first time she saw him with a strap-on, she laughed and said he looked fake. “even faker,” she commented, and didn’t elaborate, but then was extremely offended that he would ever think she was talking about his transness, because she would never say something like that, she never had a problem with him being trans. why is he even with her, if he doesn’t trust her enough to know this?

not to mention sometimes she would just- recoil. not want to hug him, or cuddle with him, or any kind of touch really. but when he tried to fuck her, to make her feel good - that she wanted. slowly sex started being the only kind of affection or touch that he got, so he wanted to do good. to make her feel good. so she wouldn’t stop wanting to do that, either. he already knew she cheated on him sometimes - she just needed more. he wasn’t enough. but at least he was good enough to get to be with her in that way, and he really, really didn’t want to lose that

well, eventually it got to a point where he couldn’t do it anymore- just got so depressed and dysphoric and desperate camille pretty much threatened to kick him out if he didn’t stop being such a slack, and he said ok. he’d leave. he was done. he couldn’t be happy like this.

she let him go with a string of venomous words about how she wouldn’t miss him, and how he was nothing without her. and then he went back to maia’s and raphael’s, embarrassed and terrified, with apologies on his lips, as well as the promise that he would leave soon, he wouldn’t burden then for long, he just didn’t have anywhere else to go right now

when they saw him at the door, they hugged him so tight it was like breathing for the first time. it was one of the only times he ever saw raphael cry

“we were scared we wouldn’t see you again,” they said

maia was scared the next time she heard about him, it would be about his funeral. she was almost in that place, once upon a time

they put him in a blanket like he was a traumatized child, and raphael made him the hot chocolate magnus used to make him when he was in need of comfort. and they helped him get back on his feet

it took him a while to consider doing cam stuff again, because- well, first of all, he needed to heal. second of all, he was living with raphael and maia now. and third, he still thought it was a silly idea, that he wouldn’t get any clients, that he wasn’t attractive enough, and he definitely wasn’t good in bed enough for anyone to be interested in watching him. you know

but after some time he started considering it again - it’s way better than retail or living off gigs and the 3 of them are a little more stable now. and then maia introduced him and raphael to meliorn, and him and meliorn talked about it a little bit - meliorn was very open about being a sex worker and didn’t mind helping magnus at all, teaching him a few things to watch out for, how most sites work, and recommended him the one they worked at, which had a trans men category. and his interest grew.

he filmed a few things when maia and raphael were out at work, but was hesitant to upload it. one day he did, and- well. it got him some money, and even a few subscriptions, which he really, really wasn’t expecting

so he started putting up a few more when he could, and eventually with that plus the money he had been saving he managed to save up for his own apartment - it was small and in the same building/neighborhood as before, so he was still close, but now he had more space, you know. it helped him get more comfortable

not that it was a secret, raphael and maia knew about it and didn’t really care, beyond raphael’s usual disgust at all things sexual. but they were supportive. so all was cool

and that’s when cam stuff started being his main source of income, until he dived into promoting it and getting clients deep enough for it to be his only source of income. in a way, it helped him feel a little more attractive and realize that, well, people liked his body. it’s just camille who didn’t

still, camille was one of the main reasons why he didn’t want to do feature videos for a long time - when it was just him, he was in way more control. no one could hurt him. no one could get to him. no one was actually there to know how good he was performing, he just had to look good. but with someone else it might be different. and then he would feel like a fraud, and lose his followers and money. idk if anyone even still remembers the original post but i mentioned in it that when he started talking to alec, he didn’t want to make feature films, they just started talking, became friends, then eventually did a feature video and fell down that rabbit hole. so yeah, that’s why

and then there’s the usual, you know - magnus thinking alec wouldn’t be attracted to him because hes trans, wouldn’t have enjoyed having sex with him. when they finished their first vid he was like “wow alec is such a great actor” but in reality he had just fucking blown alec’s mind with the absolute best sex he’s ever had in his whole life. and alec’s definitely not inexperienced in this au

alec isn’t his first after camille - meliorn is, i also mentioned them having been fuck buddies before he met alec - but it still blows his mind a little bit how sex with alec feels just. good. natural. like he really allowed himself to get lost in pleasure and not have that ever-constant presence in the back of his mind telling him he needed to do better, to do more. and alec was just so respectful to him and never pressured him into anything and just touched him all over without shame and it was so good because with camille she barely touched him, she wanted him to do all the work

not that meliorn wasn’t good or amazing either, but with them it was scratching an itch, and there was still that pressure he put on himself even if meliorn didn’t. but with alec there was just this connection, it worked in a way it hadn’t in a long time. which was shocking, because he definitely, definitely wasn’t expecting something like this from a cis white guy

but then again he wouldn’t have ever agreed to do this with alec if they weren’t already friends and close enough for magnus to know he was nothing if not respectful, caring, and willing to learn

but there’s some point you reach with abuse where being abused just feels natural and like a relationship should be. after a while, the abuser logic gets to you. it starts to make sense. and then you get in another relationship, and that logic doesn’t apply at all, and they don’t even think about doing the kinds of things that the abusers did. and something just clicks. like even if you did understand that what the abuser did wasn’t cool or acceptable or deserved, there’s a sort of understanding it that only comes when you re-experience an actually good relationship again, and remember, after so long on focusing on the bad things, what the good things are like. and alec was definitely that for magnus in all universes, that breath of fresh air, that feeling of wonder at being genuinely cared for and respected, and realizing you won’t settle for less anymore. that’s the feeling of starting to heal, when you get to experience that but you don’t take it as “wow they’re so perfect and different from the others”. they’re just how it’s supposed to, and can be.

and alec just so happens to be almost perfectly compatible with him, both in and outside of sex. and it’s amazing, in a way he hadn’t dared to hope for, or believe in

so yeah. that’s what i think about how the whole asmodeus/camille ordeal affected his story, and his future relationship with both his job and alec, later.

[vapidsims]

@boomchicapopdat  Behold! a bachelor! -

Name: Caster Lang

Age: 28 

Ethnic: Blasian

Personality: Goofball| Exra| Micheivious 

Occupation: Freelancer

Hobby: fishing

Sign: Gemini

If you ask anybody who knows him on a surface level they’ll probably say Caster’s one of the funniest most charming dudes they ever met. That he brightens up the room when he walks in, goofing off with the finger guns and all that, makin the jokes! he’ll make an absolute fool of himself tryna get that old man sitting at the bar to chuckle.

Ask somebody who knows him on a more tertiary level and they’ll say...well, hes a bit off. they dont know what it is though, they couldnt possibly begin to explain whats rubbed them the wrong way. and strangely enough, the time they start feeling like that is the same time Caster goes *poof* out of their social lives.

( long text and mommy/daddy issues under the cut)

Lets get educational here, Who is Caster Lang? Hes certainly not gonna tell you.

 Ask him about personal stuff, you get roundabout answers. want to pry? you may as well be pulling his teeth.

But hes a great guy so no big deal. Right? Right.

Hes a prankster, he loves jokes, he smiles and laughs, A LOT.  Somebody stole his car? he’ll probably just make a self depricating joke about it and keep on rolling on foot.

he dosnt...seem to care.

He was born to an (initially) happy couple, until just a day after his birth, where his mother decided she didnt love her husband any more. she tried to stick the marriage out, but it fell apart after six more years. A nasty divorce proceeded. And as it turned out after all that. Neither parent wanted their kid.

Then he spent a little too long being bounced from relative to relative until he ended up in foster care anyway. And by the time that happened he was too old to be wanted. He got taken in by an old man who really needed company....And a maid. As soon as he was old enough to mind himself and the old guy had died. Caster bounced off to the other side of the country and left everything/everybody back home in the dust.

Hes the local funnydude. sure. hes got charm. yeah. but on the underside, he likes to be at the center of a trainwreck. He moves quietly... Theres a loose thread hanging off of everybody and hes waiting to pull and watch what unravels. just like what happened with his parents. Dan across the street has a little insecurity that he accidently mentions offhand? you can bet Caster filed that away in his memory to use later. Caster meets Dans wife at the store some months from then? they chat about Dan for a bit. Then the neighbors are whispering. And then the town is whispering...

 Its not his fault, the problem was already there, he just...casually made them aware of it...   its a slow burn, it takes time to catch....but man does he love to watch the flames... 

And nobody will ever know it was him.

Cas and Dan across the street will still be friends for a while. But Dan eventually starts to feel the same strange feeling others get after being exposed to him too long. Caster is used to this, hes a walking,talking, self fulfilling prophecy. Hes a curse that just keeps cursing.... hes up in smoke just like that.

Dude goes into everything prepared for and expecting rejection, he makes it so....why join a BC?

He just wants to make people laugh at his funny ass on tv? yes maybe.

Is he there to see if he could actually find somebody who cares about him? always. but he knows not to get his hopes up. he dosent make it easy...

He wants to plant seeds in the background and then watch the absolute sh*tshow  tree that grows out of them? probably.

All of the above? most definitely. 

More details:

hes obviously never seen a therapist. hes an expert at self managing. whats that? thats his third cup of iced cream? whatever he’ll work it off.

Hes happy to please. you want him to get those heavy buckets. yes of course! want him to drive across town to get that gourmet cheesecake for you? sure thing! anything else? you can run him ragged.

Kinda into masochism

He doesnt sleep as much as any human should. Its not unusual for you to get up at 3am and hes just...standing, in the kitchen. he’ll say hes got insomnia. the dark circles under his eyes say so too.

He loves cats, and the cats love him. whenever he goes fishing he’d gladly give the scraps to all his adoring strays. They dont promise him anything and then leave, they just do cat things. 

Hes not a GREAT cook, but hes fished just about any waterbound creature he could get a hook or a net on. and he knows how they like to taste.

tried reaching out to his family a few times while living with the old man and either got short replies or outright “dont talk to me”s

If you’re gonna fite him it better be right there and then cause if you tell him to “meet you in the back of the mountain steak shack a quarter past midnigt on the eve of a full moon” He aint showing up. hes at home watching dr phil.

He does NOT skip leg day. or...overall body day.

greens and blues are his favorite colors.

Eve is a buisnesswoman with great... assets, surrounded by a bunch of dudes sure theyre the one? Oh thats a hotbed of potential. count him in.

Also to sum up the second pic:

[gh0stpkmn]

Yooran AU/scenario where yoosung has a popular gaming channel & streams his gameplay 

(under the read more)

yoosung is #2 in his server soooo... he’s probably well-known among other players?? 

(fuck idk how league of legends and world of warcraft work because ive never played either but. anyways.)

i dunno if its common for people with a really high ranking to be like mini-celebrities in the community but.. for the purposes of this whole shebang, yoosung is really well known 

and very popular especially because he goes out of his way to help out less experienced players even though he’s one of the big guys at the top, you know? very humble and very kind which only makes him stand out more

eventually people suggest that he try streaming on twitch (or “afreeca” which a lot of south korean gamers use i think?) and make a gaming channel. and he’s all for it!!!! 

yoosung’s channel gets popular pretty quickly?? he starts out at a solid point because his LOLOL buddies that he usually plays with and his guild members support his channel/streams a lot and spread the word (when they’re not playing w/ him while he streams ofc)... it doesn’t take long at all for it to rlly take off, and he gains a decently big following!!

he’s already been dating saeran for quite a while when he starts his channel but saeran is very shy so yoosung is careful to respect saeran’s privacy. when saeran is over while yoosung is streaming, he stays out of sight of the facecam and keeps quiet

yoosung’s LOLOL friends know him though bc he talks about his boyfriend every now and then in voice chat w/ them,  but also bc saeran is at his place a lot and they hear him in the background, or hear yoosung talking to him occasionally.

i guess at some point during one of his streams, his buddies casually ask where saeran is and they ask how he’s doing and all that... because he’s never in the streams at all and they haven’t heard from him in a while. 

yoosung’s like  “yeah he’s here! he’s doing alright! just hanging out watching tv.” 

and his fans who don’t know abt saeran are just like. “?????? who is saeran” yoosuung tells them that he’s a friend that hangs out his place a lot and that he’s just sort of shy (2 respect saeran’s privacy and also bc they haven’t decided if they wanna be so publicly out yet??)

and naturally, his viewers are kinda curious and it makes them more curious when yoosung and his friends bring him up briefly but saeran is Never seen or heard in any streams or videos. the boy is a goddamn Mystery to yoosung’s viewers.

tbh saeran probably like.. watches the streams a lot when he’s not at his boyfriend’s house but he uses some random fake name or some shit so no one in the chat can tell he’s there.

eventually like. he gets less shy, more comfortable and he can be heard in the background making a noise or smth. asking yoosung a question. that kind of thing.

the first time it’s an accident and everyone is like “!??! who is that???” and yoosung tells them and they get So Excited and respond with “!!! THERE HE IS!!!! the elusive saeran!!” yoosung and his friends just laugh bc its funny n cute?

but ye he steadily makes more casual background appearances and it pretty much becomes one big meme with yoosung’s friends and viewers. they say stuff like 

“new cryptid discovered”

and “he’s a legend.... a myth... no one has ever seen his face”  

(shitty harry potter quote) “it’s like trying to catch smoke... like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands.”

“some say he can wipe your memories so you forget that you ever met him”

its. so good... Every Time they hear the fridge closing or a voice in the background or they catch a lil flash of red hair behind yoosung on the face cam, the chat Explodes like “THERE HE IS!!! there he is! he really does exist!!”

they both find it rlly hilarious omg. saeran says it’s stupid and dumb at first but he obviously loves it... he laughs out loud a few times watching what people are saying abt him while he’s at yoosung’s and ppl hear it and are like “!!!! what is he laughing at??” 

yoosung: “ oh haha he’s lookin at the chat right now”

the chat: “omg he sees us!!!!” 

“saeran! reply if you’re real! we need proof!!!”

“there he is. the absolute madman”

“hi, saeran!” 

“you should sit by yoosung so we can see you!!” 

“saeran!! hello!! have you eaten?”

its so sweET and cute!! and i feel like maybe around this time as stuff like this continues happening.. a lot of viewers kinda assume or are starting to suspect that they’re dating? idk. 

maybe yoosung doesn’t outright say anything or confirm their relationship but there are a lot of clear signs like...yoosung moves away from his mic t talk to saeran more often (stuff like asking him what he wants for dinner, laughing abt some offhand comment he made)... the fact that saeran is at yoosung’s so often, too. it’s obvious that they’re very comfortable with each other and they seem close

and a biggest indicator is probably the way yoosung talks abt saeran when the chat notices he’s there in the bg? like:

“Aw, you guys, you’re making him embarrassed.”  or  “...Huh? Oh, don’t worry! He’s not replying because he’s really shy.”  or   “Haha, I think I can see him blushing!” 

this probably goes on for a pretty long time? a few months. gradually saeran appears more, comes over to comment on the game or how yoosung is playing, maybe cheer him on a little? while mostly staying out of sight... tho sometimes when he feels less anxious he’ll be directly behind or beside yoosung in the facecam feed. 

his viewers think he’s super cute when they see his face for the first time, and they say so in the chat. yoosung agrees w them like 

“Yeah. He really is, isn’t he?” 

and the chat Explodes again bc

that’s probably the first official confirmation in a stream that they’re in a relationship. saeran is embarrassed and flustered and annoyed but also kind of happy and he says “Shut the fuck up.” and covers his face w his hands and he’s Bright red but also smiling just a teeeny tiny bit behind his hands.

yoosung’s LOLOL friends are so relieved that they don’t have to keep it a secret anymore and they start teasing yoosung in streams almost as much they do when they’re just playin together casually

after that, ppl start suggesting/requesting that saeran and yoosung play games together on the stream!!!

 and at first theyre a lil hesitant for a few reasons? like, saeran still has a lot of issues and gets vvvvvery Anxious so it might be a bit stressful for him. and also that content would be so different than yoosung’s usual stuff.  

(also even tho they’re never that affectionate in streams bc saeran is iffy about pda, theyyyy... still worry a little about people bein’ dickbags bc its a mlm relationship and the internet can be a mean place... idk i also dont know how widely accepted same-gender couples are in south korea?? but ye) 

BUT a lot of ppl seem to want it!! 

so when saeran gains enough confidence, they do it!! they maybe make a separate channel for streaming that stuff. they just post recorded videos on his regular channel tho under a specific title and it’s its own little series.

and it turns out it’s almost as popular as his other content and does rlly well! 

occasionally they play LOLOL casually together but saeran isn’t rlly into it as much as yoosung is so mostly they play a bunch of different multiplayer games. they also play a lot single-player ones that are very story-driven or just. interesting in general.

a couple times they play horror games and those ones are really popular bc yoosung gets So Scared. he Hates horror games he’s so jumpy at everything and screams so loud. 

meanwhile saeran barely reacts. he might occasionally get surprised by a jump scare on his more anxious days but most of the time he’s like....... so.. calm. so unfazed by everything that viewers are like “what the fuck dude” “how is he so chill right now”

however... even tho the horror game streams/videos are rlly popular, they don’t do them that often bc yoosung gets legitimately scared often to a point where he doesn’t enjoy them lol ... its ok tho bc saeran snuggles him afterwords but. YyYYyeeah. yeah.

saeran and yoosung have a lot of fun and their viewers love them and it’s a very good fun pure thing n everyone is happy. 

the end

( really Unlikely but cute bonus for a few years later:  yoosung fucks up on the stream talkin w his buddies and accidentally mentions smth abt proposing to saeran before he actually does it and bc he’s streaming to a fuckton of ppl, it gets around so fast and saeran finds out right away. yoosung is so embarrassed and frustrated that he ruined the surprise )

.

god pleas e... talk to me about yooran. i need people to talk to about this ship so i can stop posting long things like this like a loser lol

[angry-pan-ace]

Intense Pedophilia and Grooming Trigger warning

but, I never really see myself as a "victim" of grooming or pedophilia but there's many times like tonight where I remember that I... really was. by many people actually. theI had a friend trying to get me into giantess and feet fetish stuff when I was as young as 14/15. I literally have art of it on here still. I remember them calling me mature for my age. We talked about sexual stuff all the time and even eventually had a sex rp. I even showed nudes and stuff as well to them. I can't remember how old I was but I don't think I was a minor at the time. Now I don't even want to talk to anymore despite him being what I had considered a good friend. I get a weird feeling whenever I think about him. I remember him pushing me to vore either his muse or someone elses and promised me a commission if I did it. OF course I wanted a commission so I did. I remember a lot of pushyness and red flags I just kinda ignored or didn't see when I was younger. another one of his friends was someone I talked to often that also did sexual stuff with me. Wouldn't tell me off or anything and would instigate it. I can barely remember what but I remembered I talked about sexual stuff with him and a particular "Younger people can have fantasies about older people and I"m not gonna stop that" sort of thing. There was another guy in his 30s that actually helped me figure out I was bi by pretending to be a girl and initiating rp with my female muse. That was also around when I was 15 ish and continued way longer than it should have. It stepped up from muses to wanting to have sex rps as just him and I. He made comments about how my parents had the same age gap. We stopped talking many times and he'd come back with some "id rather be friends without sexual rps than not be friends" but ultimately he eventually went away and bitched me out because I kept not wanting to have sex rps with him but would talk about sexual things on my NSFW blog about myself. Not in a sexual way, mind you. Just talking about my experiences. If I remember correctly this was either right before or around the time I was 18. I also had another friend that I was really attached to. Our main ocs were together for years, had kids, and I had known them since around the same age. We did nsfw rps and stuff too despite an age gap. We talked about pretty much everything. Things I don't even think I'll ever bring up again. They talked about incest stuff a lot. Felt the same way that I did in the sense of it being fake and harmless. They did a lot of things that made me uncomfortable but the tipping point was when he kept making offhand scenario/jokes that their ponysona that I shipped my ponysona with was a "Philly fiddler." AKA pedo. Situations with minor canon chars and his char. when I brought it up when I ended up ghosting them, they mentioned It was a phase, and I'll respect that from them because I also had uncomfortable "phases" that I've mentioned,. but it still made me uncomfortable as shit and I should've talked about it when it was happening. He also had a lot of political ideals I disagreed with but obviously that's a bit of a tangent and not an accusation. I remember seeing something relatively recently when I started missing him and checked his blog out, about that kid that was forced to dance for older men, and there was some snarky comment about "But it's okay for Tumblr because it's gay." and like. I don't even want to go into how wrong and homophobic that is but yeah. They said shit like that a lot despite trying to claim to be lgbtq+ positive. Despite all that I've yet to find a friend like them even after nearly 4 years of not talking with them anymore. Someone I trust and confided in everything with and talked with on a nearly daily basis. I miss the interaction still but my social presence get worse and worse on here as time goes by, and I don't think I ever will find someone I'll connect with like that again and it sucks knowing that they'll be it. I also around this time (and longer than I'd like to talk about) I used to be into horrible shit. I remember drawing incest porn of two of my characters. I used to have a noncon fetish and had a few drawings with that I've since deleted. Things that I defended when I was younger for the same reasons I still see today. "It's fiction. Its not reality." "I'm not actually into noncon/incest IRL and hate it, and know the difference between it and fiction." "Fantasizing isn't the same as actually doing it." I'm sure you've heard it all. Not really questioning or wondering why I thought it was acceptable in the form of fiction when I hated it in reality. Not thinking or understanding how this could hurt people, rather they were victims or NOT. All this, it hurts because I know I instigated a fair amount of these things, being painfully cringy and downright bold and even pushy about how horny I was as a developing kid, and because of that feel responsible for it. But, god damn I was just a fucking kid. Going through feelings and physical changes and shit I didn't even understand, and was nothing but taken advantage of by these people. While part of me feels guilt and shame for my actions, the other part of me remembers that these were fucking adult men leagues older than I was (with the exception of one who was only a few years older than me) that should've known better. It feels humiliating even thinking and talking about the things that happened, yet I can't even fucking imagine talking or dealing with a 15 year old like they did with me. It puts a knot in my stomach. and while I have that I also have instances of people the same age acting 100 percent responsibly with me that I still consider my friends to this day. It's just so fucking awful what happened. The internet can have such amazing things on it but also so much fucking trash and garbage. If any other kid my age came up to me and told me what I've said now, I'd hurt me so much. I'd feel so much anger towards the people who hurt them and I'd look at them like fucking scum. Yet I don't with them. Yet I don't even consider myself a victim. And tonight it makes me wonder how many others experienced a similar or even the same thing that feel the same way. Who feel "Lucky" because they were never actually physically assaulted like I feel. Who feel like it was just a part of them growing up as a woman like I did. Or that feel completely differently than I do and actually hurt but have no outlet to talk about it. and I remember my family trying to stop it. My dad was livid when he found out I was talking with adults online. My sister suspected some of the stuff I was doing but I played it off because I was a stupid kid. They could've helped me if I had just let them. If you're a minor that happened to stumble here, don't trust a single adult that's willing to be sexual with you. Or calls you mature. or approaches you with anything sexual. Don't do it. Even if they seem like a decent person, they aren't. It's not different between you and them.. It's not harmless. It may not even seem wrong to you at the time, but I can tell you it's wrong. It's awful. If you're an adult and a minor approaches you sexually. Ignore it. Tell them off. Do not interact with them even if you think they're "Mature" enough. Dont' be fucking gross and misuse your power over them. You should know better period. You have no rhyme or reason to act this way and have no excuse. You know better. and I don't wonder if this is why I have so many problems with my sexuality, or asexuality rather. Sometimes I even wonder if it's why I'm asexual. Every time I tried to express it when I was younger was either in a completely unsafe environment or it failed miserably. I was fat and "ugly" and the weird kid, no one but the town horndog wanted to fuck me and that went fucking horrible. Plus, sex ed is a fucking joke around here. absolutely nothing about boundaries or making sure your partner is comfortable or anything actually useful was covered, things I frankly feel I need more of than the average person. Rather I think I'm a victim or not, Rather I think about these things or not, They've affected me for the rest of my life on how I handle and do certain things.   This shit isn't okay. It never will be okay, and I will never support it no matter how many people wanna call me an """Anti""" or what the fuck ever, and I get sick to my stomach thinking that I know people who do. Not from a "Fandom" standpoint either. It's something I've felt for years before the stupid "Anti" and "Anti-anti" terms came to be. This shit harms kids rather you think it does or not. Fiction impacts. It's important as hell, especially fandom based writings and fictions. If you don't approach these subjects with tact, and end up normalizing it/defending it, it hurts people. It gets so frustrating to see the same people that talk about how much fanfics and fandom artist drawings have impacted their lives, how beautiful they are to them, but also have the audacity to say that "Fiction isn't real, it's not hurting anyone." or "it's just fiction writing don't like it don't read" when talking about harmful shit like Incest, abuse romanticizing, pedophilia, ect.