#some of you are literally just 22 and sometimes i feel like there are decades between us when you say stuff

[anotherpapercut]

sometimes I forget a bunch of my mutuals are younger than me AND I'm an 80 year old man and I'm like why are all the other old men posting about people I've never heard of

[sssarrrra]

Dying to stay alive. Why does Fyodor Dostoevsky enjoy being killed on purpose? Bsd analysis

Why Dostoevsky looks so young despite living for centuries? I think it's because he often gets killed. He literally has no time to age.

His skin care routine is being murdered every year or so. Maybe, even more often.

Fyodor CAN age, he isn't immune to it. He isn't immortal. He's ability isn't about eternal youth. He can get gray hair and wrinkles. But he doesn't. Dostoevsky looks almost identical to how he's been when he's met Bram centuries ago (minus a scar and an outfit). So why is it?

Let's assume that the physical "age" Fyodor naturally gains can be transferred to the new body he enters. And the only things that get "erased" are traces of harm left by someone else (bruises, cuts, scars, etc.)

Let's pretend that we know Fyodor's "biological" age. And it's 20. (That's just an assumption for this example!)

It would go like this: Fyodor's biologically 20. He lives until his 22, than gets killed. His "new" body will have the age of 22. Then he lives until he's 26 and dies unnaturally. He's biological age in the new body is gonna be 26.

And so on and so on. It means both his appearance and physic will gradually change. But we see NONE OF THAT. Present Fyodor is almost a twin copy of Fyodor from the past.

It means that Dostoevsky has never lived longer than a couple of years max without dying and respawning into a new body. He probably dies quit often and can't even get old enough because he simply doesn't have time.

Maybe, he has some mark on his calendar: "Need to die every year to keep my body young and relative healthy". And it's a strategy and nothing else. But I feel like there is more to that.

Dostoevsky probably enjoys the thrill of death (or near death) experience for various reasons.

People sometimes describe Dazai as a "suicide-addict", but THIS is a new level of it. These two share a hobby of trying to die often. But Dostoevsky not just tries. He dies. Fyodor's way of getting a rid of his stress is being brutally murdered by someone else. I wounder, if Dazai knew it how it would make him feel? To find out that Fyodor is drawn to death in the same way that he is? We'll find out eventually.

Dostoevsky meticulously got himself killed probably more than 300+ times or so. And, yes, sometimes it was work related incidents due to his plans. But he didn't HAVE to die so often, did he?

It honestly seems, that for Fyodor "dying" is just an extracurricular activity he does to pass the time. Some ppl go their friend's house to play video games. And Fyodor goes to someone's place -> dies there.

Maybe, Dostoy tries to connect with people by "dying" by their hands? When he transfers his mind into a new body, it makes him feel less lonely, somehow?

For example, Fyodor didn't have to break into Bram's castle and chat him up about demons. He didn't have to put his life on a line just to see how Bram would react to his musings about world-politics. He knew he would die, obviously. But he went anyway. Just to "catch a glimpse" of Bram (in his own words). And then, of course to get murdered. Did he hope that Bram would be the one to deliver a final blow? Did Fyodor secretly want to "posses" Bram's body from that long, long time ago?

You know how ppl joked about Fyodor's hobby being captured on purpose? Add "dying" to this list, asap.

He's reasons for overusing his ability to "reincarnate" are probably complicated.

A part of it is a need to escape/ease his guilt. Dostoy wants to feel like a martyr that has a right to commit sin. Maybe, it's his own self-punishment, a form of self-harm. He believes these short or long moments of agony "erase" the harm he does to others or, at least, balance it out.

On the other hand, Fyodor is still a human who wants to belong. But he spent decades in paranoia and isolation that affected him immensely. So now the only "true" connection Dostoevsky can create with someone is when he inserts his consciousness into their body. The flow of new feelings/goals keeps him distracted from himself and his bleak view of the reality. So he does it over and over.

Or is it just a boredom thing? Like living is such a drug he can't help but try to die?

Dostoy is too afraid/guilty to go to heaven right away so he passes time by adding bits of different personalities to himself. He has this semi-free subscription to people's agendas, he only has to die to access them. It keeps him entertained. Like a Netflix but he has to die to watch a "movie" from someone's POV, with their goals/emotions intact still.

Dostoy wants to pick up a new passion/hobby? No problem. He just needs to find someone who likes that particular interest, and than get murdered by that person. Then Fyodor can gain their insights into the topic (possibly).

I wish I could see the way Dostoevsky envisions humanity. It seems like he's both enmeshed with it to the point of losing himself and at the same time he's discarded by humanity and isolated from it.

It's such a mixed-up experience. No wounder Fyodor's mind is so… Bizarre.

[transpersian]

Doc 3 is about PZ's kid

And yes, that means what you think it means. We've been talking. A lot.

From my Twitter thread:

Needed some time to think.

I've been trying too hard to make too many people happy, even with contradictory needs. I've been letting people jerk me back and forth on what they think is right. I've been trying REALLY hard to be nice.

Biding my time. No more.

PZ’s kid is okay.

Back in October, after months of worrying about optics, we decided that it was too important: we had to see if Poppy’s kid was okay. They’d literally ESCAPED, ffs. They’re 23, but still.

And before anyone says anything, I WAS RIGHT. This is the first thing they said to me:

Yes, I understand the delicacy of the situation. Yes, I understand how this looks. But please understand: I’m not just some internet rando who’s in way over her head. I’ve been supporting abuse survivors in deep and intense ways for decades, and I’m damned good at it.

I’d fuck off if they had a negative response. I’d push for them not to be involved in any efforts against their mom. In the end, what ended up being our priority was making sure that The Kid (no real name plz) was okay and knew we were there if they needed help.

Fuck the optics.

I helped them clean up the tracks that led to them, then we started talking. Initially, I insisted on this being strictly for support. They wanted to get involved and I pushed back. Said if they really wanted to, they could send me screenshots, not thinking they’d apply.

Oh boy.

First they sent them to me to illustrate their points, but they insisted that I was free to use any of them. That first batch of 12 was jarring enough.

Then, unprompted, they sent me 70 more.

They want me to tell their story. They want me to show you how PZ lie.

And they’re not in a rush. They want me to be thorough.

So in a move I was barely okay with, they gave me access to their 3200-message Signal chat log so I could figure out where relevant screenshots are and have them take them.

I’m taking my time because they’re hard to read.

My mother left when I was 3. My father remarried 4 years later and she was abusive to me for the following 16 years.

I felt unwelcome in my own home, incapable of doing anything right, constantly eggshelling.

Zena makes my experiences with my stepmom look like Sesame Street.

There are little things you notice when you have texts in DB format.

Like how Poppy said “I love you” to her kid eight times from July ’21 to June ’22.

Only twice from July ’22 to June ’23.

Watching them be believed less and less over Zena, who started blatantly lying.

For the past couple of months, when I’ve been able to, I’ve been studying a way-too-intimate look at the death of a mother’s empathy for her child. I’d chat with them sometimes and give them what support I could. Figure out how to respond to ones like this:

I know I’ll only get one shot at this, so here’s what the doc will consist of:

A more complete intro about the above

Transcripts of when PZ have cited The Kid’s abuse on stream

A tally of claims to track

The screenshots

Examples of the “assignments” they were given

A 3.5-page long, single-spaced list of what they deemed unacceptable treatment, which PZ promptly wrote off as bullshit and complained to their friends about

Screenshots from those friends

Direct rebuttals against PZ’s on-stream claims

Additional context from my conversations with TK

Somehow forgot to mention a major chunk: dozens of screenshots from TK’s personal discord with a few close friends, serving essentially as a diary of their experiences. Purely testimonial on that front, I know, but…

I feel like maybe it's worth seeing what a young adult in their early 20s says to their close friends in private about in what's essentially a group chat.

See, PZ’s 23-year-old kid has POTS, a circulatory disorder that affects your body’s regulatory systems, including respiratory. Things that negatively affect POTS:

Skipping meals

Excessive physical labor

Heat

What if I told you PZ would punish them with food restriction?

What if I told you of at least three separate mentions of TK being worked to collapse or illness? That they ignored TK’s symptoms and scolded them for not just eating better? That they worked TK for 8+ hrs some days?

What if I told you that TK is 5’1” and 80 lbs (unrelated)?

What if I showed you when, on-stream, Poppy accused TK of intentionally crying so intensely that she dissociated? Or of abusing Zena?

Can you imagine being pushed so far by your parents that you're in wailing tears, and they don't stop until it reaches that point? And then they accuse you of manipulation?

If you're like me (and what I'd imagine is many members of The Foundation), you don't have to imagine it.

What if I told you that what PZ called “intentionally faking forgetting instructions” when TK was really just having a hard time?

What if I told you I knew what the mysterious psych test Poppy trotted out as proof on stream actually says? What if I told you that Poppy harassed the kid until they gave it up, even though she’s not legally entitled to any of it? Even though she’s abusing the authority of her license?

Remember how Poppy talked about having to rush to the bank to make changes to her accounts because TK withdrew all of their own trust money? What if I told you I have proof that she was talking to them as early as the next morning and TK was completely cooperating?

I’ve heard a lot of horrific testimonies about the things that Poppy has done, but this… This radicalized me.

And it’s radicalized anyone I’ve shown it to.

TK has asked me to use everything I can from them to expose @ZenaandPoppy for what they are:

Abusive Hypocrites

So ultimately, how does this incredibly personal violation of privacy factor into the big picture? Yes, I know what this is. I know what it looks like.

But these are abusive parents who have been using their platform to use their own victim for pity points. That’s how they win.

What I’ve been trying to prove is abusiveness. PZ are recklessly abusive people who hide behind victimhood (and what they used to disdainfully refer to as “idpol”).

This is extensive proof not just THAT they’re abusive liars, but also HOW.

This is what Zena is like with power.

This is a ways off. Still lots to do. But I just want everyone to finally know why I’m still in this.

I know what Poppy and Zena are. Intimately. Not because I’m a “stalker.” Because I’ve had people come to me about how PZ hurt them. 20+ of them with claims from the past year.

I can’t share all of their claims because they only have so much proof. But I believe victims. And this? This I can prove, extensively.

This is why it’s funny when people accuse me of clout-chasing: I have no online brand to care about, and if I did, this would be insane.

People have asked me what the end goal is.

My goal is COMPLETE deplatforming.

For nobody in this community to trust them with their mental health ever again.

They are justifying their abuse with therapy speak and TEACHING THEIR FANS TO DO THE SAME.

They’re dangerous.

Oh, and Zena! Zena! Yeah, right here. I know you were really sad about being left out of the abuse allegations, but trust me, there will be #noZZerasure on this one. You’re a solid 80% of this one, sweetie! How’s that monkey’s paw working out for you?

And in closing, I’m just going to give myself this one additional… treat.

If you’ve been following for a while, you know this reference.

But this one’s for the abuse mob:

You still don’t take us seriously, do you?

Or rather…

Are you taking me seriously yet?

Because you will. I promise you, you fucking will. Because you’re about to understand that this has never been for me. It’s never been about me.

It’s about making sure you two have as few avenues as possible to prey on this community ever again.

See you in school.

[sirenthatmakesyouwantcake]

these are my thoughts on interview with the vampire episode 5 season 2

I've heard a few things about this episode, I've been really wanting to watch it just havent had had the time yet. I've also heard that they don't actually unpack any of it.which seems pretty on brand for them

(6:10) Sometimes, ii think i have bad handwriting, but then there’s daniel’s, which makes my feel a lot better about my own

(7:52) definitely gay (8:11) definitely

This whole interview is just a who can be the sassiest and most insane old gay guy possible

(9:46) daniel is like that one fall out boy song, he spent an entire decade high and doesn't remember any of it (or that he is gay)

(10:04) i like how they had him standing at the window, it's a nice touch

(12:53) if i just found out that vampires are real, i think i would be pretty fucking afraide too

I've been painting my nails while watching and ended up skipping on of my nails

(13:35) that was perfect, it was so close to quoting the book, it was good enough that i even recognised it before i even looked up the first few pages

(16:03) I like this louis more than the other few, he’s so much more fun and happy instead of seeming like he only sort of wanted to be there.

(17:18) it's no wonder he doesn't remember the first interview, he looks like he could barely stand if he wanted to

(22:55) 70’s armand is millennial grey

(24:21) i think someone is a little jealous (another weirdly spelled word) ((25:19) and the other one is schizophrenia), i also think two someones need to go the marriage therapy

(26:16) well that took quite a turn, and i think its shows their relationship well, how even thought why both had just yelled at each other, armand still saved him right away, and then, though i haven't gotten there yet, i assume that armand made him forget how bad it hurt, (38:22), i take parts of that back, armand basically torched him, they really do need therapy, i'm surprised they didn't end up killing each other in the time between the interviews

(29:23) poor daniel got caught in the middle of their messed up relationship

(30:01) for some reason, i thought the guy in the bag was daniel, and somehow he was revived and turned into a vampire, i clearly didn't think this through much because now that i'm thinking about it again, there in no way that would have worked

Armand is supposed to look 17, he looks 20 or so, i know his actor is somewhere in his 20’s and he did play him well, i don't think they could have done the show the same way if he was played by a younger actor.

(38:22) about time

(45:31) louis is quite a jump scare when the rest of your room is dark and quite

(51:01) once again, not talking about the problems

OTHER

I really like how both daniel’s had similar voices, specifically the gravely (i think that's the right word) parts

Conclusion of this episode: maybe all four of them could use some therapy or atleast to talk to each other and work out their problems (the last part doesn't really apply to lestat, he was not part of the sort of ok guys, not good guys, i don't think any of them really qualify as good guys except daniel, he was just caught up in everything)

This episode really put their relationship through it but i think it may have helped parts of it as well, maybe if armand and louis could actually talk they could have a better relationship that isn't just hanging off a cliff

@certainunkownlove2 was telling me about this post and i think all of you need to read it, he is so wonderful for this

Thank you for reading, now it is time for me to rest (literally speaking, it's late and i'm tired)

other episodes

S2E1 S2E2 S2E3 S2E4 S2E6

[gffa]

HI LUMI 7,8 and 22 for Obi-Wan and Ahsoka If it's not too much? I hope you're well 🫶

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like? Obi-Wan Kenobi - There are actually a lot of things I like that fandom does when it comes to Obi-Wan (so many great time travel fics, so many fics that explore the balance he has between being a troll versus genuinely caring about and helping people, so many fics that explore his love for the Jedi), but I think my favorite thing is that the majority of fandom seems like it went, "Yeah, Anakin Skywalker is the central character of that guy's life." Whatever tone that takes, it's one of my favorite things about Obi-Wan Kenobi as a person, that he chose to dedicate his life to Anakin and no one meant more to him than Anakin, to the point that he couldn't see the truth depths of Anakin's fault lines, that he had to literally see Anakin murdering children to believe it, that even when he let Anakin go, he never was willing to turn his back on Anakin. Even when he knew it would mean his death, he left the choice in Anakin's hands, because that guy was so fundamental to who Obi-Wan Kenobi was. Fandom often explores that through a myriad of ways, whether funny banter when they were younger, heartbreaking fic as Obi-Wan has to try to process all the feelings while on Tatooine, sweet reunion fic when Obi-Wan helps him over to the other side in the Force, or alternate universes where things went better. Anakin is foundational to Obi-Wan's arc as a character and I love that so much of fandom reflects that, in such a myriad of creative ways! Ahsoka Tano - I love that fandom has embraced that Ahsoka is often a disaster, that too often she gets put up on a pedestal of perfection to the point that it erases her actual personality. But when I come into our corner of fandom, we're all shrieking in delight when she does something dumb because it makes us love her more, it highlights that sometimes she makes amazing decisions, that she's a compassionate and wonderful person, but that she can also be hypocritical at times, that she takes decades to get over Anakin's betrayal, that she can have complicated feelings about the Jedi, but that ultimately she loved them and she would have gone home to them, that she is allowed the space to be a complicated, fascinating, interesting character. 8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise? Obi-Wan Kenobi - Answered here. Ahsoka Tano - I dislike it when some in fandom don't actually seem to care about Ahsoka as a character and what she is actually like and just use her as a weapon to bash on the Jedi. Like, I can't and won't stop anyone if they disagree with my interpretation, there's room for us all, but I really dislike it when she's used for what feels like mean-spirited beating on characters that never actually did half of the stuff fandom accuses them of. It's a disservice to her character just as much to cut out her warmer feelings, to use her as a mouthpiece rather than focus on who she is and what she believes. I dislike it when fandom makes her perfect at the expense of other characters, like I am ALL FOR Ahsoka being amazing and incredible, let female characters be amazing and incredible!!!, but if it can only be done by making everyone around her terrible, then I'm not sure that actually says anything about how good she actually is. I also really dislike it when fandom thinks that Ahsoka could have saved Anakin on Mustafar, because the whole point was that Obi-Wan and Padme couldn't do it and they really were trying, the whole point is that Anakin was choosing this, he was choosing to become Vader, and to say that Ahsoka could have saved him at a time when the entire story was that no one could, it breaks her character and the narrative, like let her be amazing on her own terms and in her own way, let her story be her story, rather than subsuming her into Anakin's story! (This is why that episode of Ahsoka worked so well for me, because he became part of her story, rather than the other way around and it worked so well there.)

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like? Obi-Wan Kenobi - I like it when authors can balance that Anakin is the central figure of Obi-Wan's life, but that he is allowed to have his own reactions about what Anakin has done. He's allowed the space to be angry, to need distance for awhile, to need to work through his feelings about Anakin's betrayal of everything they stood for and his friendship with Obi-Wan, that Obi-Wan doesn't need to put aside his own feelings immediately to go support Anakin. Ultimately, Anakin is someone that Obi-Wan will always want to support, but I think he should be given space to sometimes struggle with getting there because, you know, baby murder is a hell of a thing to swallow down without chewing on it first! Ahsoka Tano - I love when fic explores Ahsoka's relationships with other characters WITHOUT the expense of how Anakin is the central figure in her bigger story. I sometimes feel like Anakin is the only person she's ever allowed to interact with, when TCW went out of its way to show her having important relationships with Obi-Wan and Plo and Yoda and Luminara and Asajj and Rex and more. So I love it when fic can explore those other relationships, too, because it makes her connection with Anakin feel so much more interesting, that she has this huge collection of people she's connected with and he still is the one that is most firmly lodged in her heart! Also, my kingdom for more Ahsoka & Mace interaction fic where there's debris between them, but they clearly care about each other and are both deeply good people and are connected through the Force together.

[dodgerkedavra]

I loved your Erised fic and am now dying to know the magical mystery behind Only for October! My ask is: how on earth are you this prolific - and prolifically good? (I have a Google Drive folder metaphorically stuffed with unfinished fics that did not make it to their intended fests)

*trembling constantly with dark shadows under my eyes* I wasn't given a choice.

I'm just kidding, kinda, LOL. I've been thinking about your questions and I want to answer them in a way that will be, like, satisfying to you, but also truthful? It probably comes as no surprise that I find this easier to do in fiction.

Okay. So. In the spirit of just answering. How do I write as much as I write? The literal answer is probably the same as everyone else's. Just, like, sitting down at the computer and doing it. I feel like the question behind this question is usually more along the lines of how did you come to be a person who could write this much?

And the answer—one of the answers?—is that when I was very young, I started writing stories, and people said I was good at it, and so I kept writing stories, and eventually came to understand that this was my One Singular Gift, and so I doubled down on it, tripled down on it, kept writing. If you want to write a lot, you write even more than that.

A decade ago I was very into running and eventually got to the point where I wanted to run a marathon, and a lot of the prevailing wisdom about running a marathon is that you train to 20 miles and hopefully your training carries you to 26.2. Personally, I think this is why a lot of people hit the wall at 20 miles, so during my time of marathons I would train to 22, 24, 25 miles.

It's kind of the same thing with writing. I've trained beyond this for a long time. Because, you know, it was my One True Thing. The way, the truth, the life. I write so much about Drarry for the love of the game, obviously, and also because I don't have anything else to give. I know there's no requirement for me to give anything in exchange for being here, but for Reasons, I have that requirement for myself. I'm under an interdiction, of course. (Heal Thyself by Astolat joke that turned out more real than I thought)

Also, thank you for saying that my writing is good. I appreciate that so much!! I suspect that it's along the lines of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can't imagine that I was actually good at writing when I was six, or even when I was sixteen, or even when I was twenty-six, perhaps not even now, but writing was and remains My Gift. And at some point, I realized the Gift (was it a gift, or was it just something people said? Does it matter now?) couldn't carry me forever. I'd have to take the practice seriously. I'll always have to practice. Everything I post on AO3 is me, practicing.

There's this section in Heal Thyself (I love that fic so much) that I think of often:

"The deep intervention course knocked out more than half of the mediwizards who signed on for it. Most of them weren't prepared to practise spells a dozen times over, finding the precise positioning of wand and body to make the one-millimeter's difference between cure and disaster. But Draco found it almost ecstatically satisfying, flying downhill after a long slog up the mountain. He could almost have coasted, but instead he devoted his time to making his castings perfect, making them beautiful. Where before he would have practiced a spell a dozen times over just to get it right, now he tried a dozen deliberate variations, with spell fields all round him, measuring the minutely changed effects." Heal Thyself, Astolat

This is more than you wanted to know, probably, but I'm trying a dozen deliberate variations. Measuring the minutely changed effects. I can't tell how a piece will sing until people react to it. I can't give it away until it's done. I do find it almost ecstatically satisfying sometimes.

Looking back on this, it seems almost embarrassingly long, but I've written it out now, so! Thank you! For reading my stuff, and I'm glad you loved my fic :)

[50cal-fullauto-astarion]

12, 22, 29, 35, 50 & 69 for the ask game please 💖

KEZ MY DARLING TY 💖💖

12. Do you outline your fics? If yes, how detailed are your outlines? How far do you stray from them?

For my long form fics I do!! I’m currently working on my RivKo mainfic outline (it needs a complete overhaul), and my RToB outline! Happiness will have an outline, and so will the small town horror fic.

I tend to do VERY thorough outlines with pinned moments of symbolism/significance, but I purposefully keep the passages butt ugly and plot-movement dense. That way I can get into writing and just scream through the scenes bc I don’t have to pause and think about laying down tracks for the scene, it’s already there and I don’t have to figure out logic.

I do sometimes tend to stray when I get into it and I feel like a moment needs more fleshing out—for example, in the RivKo long fic there’s a cooking scene between König and arguably the most plot important character outside of him and Rivka, and originally it was supposed to be one third of a chapter. But it became a turning point of the entire plot, so it widened into a whole chapter that’s going to be very long. So I try to stay flexible!!

22. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

My titling process is so random and useless honestly dghhd 😂😂 I generally don’t title until after the fic’s started, but only if the title isn’t what inspires the fic. I try to nail it down early though, bc it doesn’t feel anchored in my head otherwise and for some reason that makes the fic feel like. Less ready to be worked on?? The RivKo mainfic has been renamed four times and currently doesn’t have a title, so it’s sitting backseat while I try to find one that grabs me by the throat. Rising Tides of Blood literally just popped in my head while I was remembering the dream it was based on, and Happiness is a Warm Gun came on shuffle and I went OH YEAH? DGHJF

29. What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

Gsgsh this is actually a really good question bc I’m honestly not sure if I’ve ever sat down and tried to think about it. I like the rhythm of my writing, and how musical it can be, and I also like that I can convey big images or feelings (good bad horrific painful or ecstatic) simply with small words and scenes. It’s taken decades of work, but actually I’m really proud of myself for pouring the energy into my writing and for loving it as much as I do.

35. What’s your favorite fic you’ve posted?

DFHFD as far as CoD goes, I am so CRUSHINGLY pleased with For the Sake of Having You Near. I’m like over the moon with the small details of it, the like complete lack of grandiosity in the dynamic—just the way they’re real people outside of warfare, with lives that are often dull or mundane or unremarkable and small. I want the fic to feel as simultaneously comfortable/stifling as the rectory feels to Price and Prem and I think I’ve been succeeding.

50. How would you describe your writing style?

Big concepts with little words!! Also like. Smth smth an endless grinding mill of processing emotions that society deems ugly? Not sure, it’s been A Day dghd.

69. What are your favorite fics at the moment?

(NICE.)

As far as CoD goes, easily my favorites are anything by the server friends ( @parttimeprophet @alittleposhtoad @dotcie @kastlequill 🥰 ), but outside of the circle I’m very guilty of not reading all that much fic within the fandom 💀💀

GSGHSS ACTUALLY I WENT TO CHECK AND ONE OF MY FAVES UPDATED IM SHITTING GEGSG

EVERYONE GO READ A TASTE OF SAFETY IT FUCKING SLAPS FGHGC

[rueria]

hshm thoughts

things that fuck me up about tmmr (this devolved into just hcs lmao):

1. him dying 22 times to kws somehow. why. what. how did mnkm fail 22 times. like ik he was still a kid but like. 22 times.

2. him not knowing how to swim and just. letting himself drown when he's in water. at least struggle my guy

3. him not stepping on any puddles for 2 years bc he didn't want his shoes to get dirty (biting my fcking fist—)

4. him somehow not looking at any mirror for years to notice his eyes became blue?? i don't remember the reason for this one

5. him getting carried away in his hallucinations, this guy probably got into many accidents as a kid. (or not, since he's got ppl looking after him) (i think i remember apparently mnkm's the one who was always getting into accidents and tmmr would usually look after him)

6. him covering for kws. he wouldn't tell who the kappa was. and even if kws killed mnkm, he'd still cover for him. what. (ever think about how tmmr basically tried to let himself die in front of kws, knowing he'd stop him. ever think about tmmr going to meet that kappa despite the heavy rain and the midnight hour and mnkm's warnings) (in a way, you could say tmmr chose kws over mnkm 22 times) (maybe this is part of why mnkm is so reluctant to just fcking talk with him lmao) (and then their positions are reversed like ten years later...)

7. (maybe kind of a stretch) each route has him 'chaining' someone to him with smth more tangible than simply love. with mnkm, it's his stories. with kws, it's the hashihime. with hnzw, it's hell. with hks, it's his eye. (i don't wanna think about kaoru route sorry)

8. apparently it's bc of the hashihime obscuring his feelings for mnkm(?) but bro. guy just wants friends, man. he's too selfish and egoistic and dense to actually connect with people (which is why he's a perfect fit for the hashihime) until the shopkeeper literally had to force him to face his own flaws. but like. i want him to meet more people that aren't in love with him lol.

9. guy was asked to write about love, writes fcking hardcore smut, like. it's funny but also sad somehow?? brother.

10. if not his writings, then what else could another person love about him?

11. his feelings about his parents' deaths (also grandma's in mnkm's route). specifically how did he feel about his mother? for a decade, he thought "she left" and abandoned him, and it's only mnkm's route that he finds out what rly happened to her. is this why he's so desperate to cling to other ppl so they don't leave him—

12. and re: 4th point: is that why he never looked at his reflections long enough to realize his eyes literally became blue, bc looking at his face reminds him of his mom—

12.5. and knowing him, he probably didn't cry over his mother's disappearance or shown grief over it externally, and imagine how that would've made mnkm feel

12.6. "minakami really is a good friend. he couldn't even lie to his friend and tell him his mother will come back."

12.7. and did he think his mother left bc he did smth wrong? bc she was fed up with him? bc she didn't love him enough to stay?

12.8. "when my mother left, she took the umbrella she gave me, as if to erase any proof that she existed."

12.9. tmmr unconsciously trying to suppress all memories of his mother

13. him just being ridiculously and uncannily good at forgetting things in general.

14. sometimes i think about how unreal his dad's death is (being killed by a bear) and i wonder if there's smth more sinister that his mom and grandma just decided to shield him from

14.5 also the parallel of his dad getting killed by a bear and him getting killed by a kappa...

15. on that note. if you think about it, if the hashihime didn't exist from the beginning, tmmr would have really just died, huh. the only reason he's alive is that mnkm loved him enough to keep trying.

16. does tmmr have schizophrenia? or some form of psychosis? and schizophrenia is highly likely to be hereditary...

17. he hates himself and can't trust anyone who likes/loves him unconditionally... is that why hakase makes him uncomfortable afgsjdk

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

i appreciate your answers. I'm not looking for permission. I just needed to talk about this to someone who isn't my therapist or social worker or doctor. I need to talk to other adults, who've been through shit, who can understand where I'm at, you know? because I'm so alone, and there's no solutions to anything, and i have to make my own decisions. i have to live with these thoughts every day, and sometimes i just really want to talk to someone who can say, yeah, this is hard, and i know what it's like to be in pain, and here's what i think or what I'd do. so thank you. it's kind of you to take the time to talk to me, especially given this family history. I'm sorry if i upset you, and I'm sorry you had to live through all of that. it must be VERY hard.

Oh you're fine. I'm not upset at all. I don't know what it is and I think it is really just my relationship with God and a lot of prayer and some therapy that I am now to an okay point where it will pop up and it will devastate me out of the blue but on a daily basis I'm okay. But it took me a long time to get there. From the time I was 12 until the time I was 25 I was suicidal everyday. So I know exactly how that feels I know what you're going through. And I couldn't tell anyone about it because no one understood and no one knew what was going on at my house. And even if they did no one would care, it was a really small town and my dad knew the police department and and it wasn't my dad that was doing all this s*** it was my stepmother but it was still an absolutely hellacious way of growing up. So around age 22 I woke up and magically I didn't want to kill myself anymore suddenly I was just angry really really angry with the world. I was angry that no one listened to me, I was angry that nobody helped me, and was only angry with myself I was okay with myself I was just angry at everybody else and that's what I kind of called my Nine Inch Nails face because that's what I was listening to at the time. And for decades I really thought that I somehow brought myself out of it until I got therapy. And I will never forget my therapist saying no that was the other part of your pain body coming to life you were no longer in the position of the victim you were in a different position and so that's what your subconscious picked up on. All that Suicidal Tendencies was still there it was just not at the service. So that was this huge Revelation to me because I literally thought that I had somehow cured myself just by surviving and that one day for everyone else they would just pop out of bed and be okay. And that led to like several nervous breakdowns later on. And I totally remember sitting in a car in my early twenties getting drunk with one of my friends and finally telling her about all the abuse that I've been through and her saying if you do not see a therapist now you are going to have a nervous breakdown by the time you're 35. And she was totally right I mean who knew how she got that information as a 20 year old but still she was dead on. So it took me years to get therapy. But when I did get therapy I got EMDR therapy. If you've never tried it I suggest you try it. For me it worked very well but then the lady who is my therapist for 5 years suddenly stop doing therapy and since then I have not been able to find a therapist at all and I live out in the middle of BFE so . . .

So yeah I am always around if you need to talk or anything like that.

I may not be able to give any great advice but I can listen. And I just did a huge poetry dump so if you want to read what mental illness pretty much wrote way before I got any therapy you are welcome to it

[svwolfheart-tfg]

Hello writeblr

I’m

Kind of? doing a writeblr reintroduction

Anyways, what’s up, I go by Sobl, or S.V., what’s a name really, I’m 22 ~and I’m feeling 52~ sorry-

I’m...going to put active effort into writing again...I guess... *glares at myself suspiciously*

The most writing I’ve done for the last like two three years has been Warriors RP and one Skyrim oneshot that I’m never posting because it was just a one-night brainrot kinda deal.

My favorite WIP is unnamed, strictly in the form of non chronically organized notes, been lurking and building and shifting in my brain for almost a decade, and on the back burner

My new WIP I thought of in the past few months, and is pretty unorganized, potentially stupid, BUT, you know what sometimes I plan things too much and it just becomes more planning than doing and honestly I am just really in the mood to get back into writing and have fun with it.

- So. Writeblr stuff. I pretty much exclusively write fantasy, sometimes it bleeds a little into sci fi. I wouldn’t say I write horror but I do like to lean into that lane a little bit if I’m feeling it. Also everything I write is LGBTQ+. Like I’m not even sure I have many specifically straight ocs. Yeah they’re all pretty queer.

Current unnamed WIP which I will tentatively call Friendly Competition 🙃:

Bunch of dweebs in a strangely isolated town (which for some reason no one questions) are suddenly “gifted” with abilities to be candidates for near-godhoodish. Except, oh, wait~ not all of them are allowed to make it! And our poor mains are unwillingly thrown into a no-rules fake it till you make it selection in which the patrons arguably don’t give a crap what happens to their candidates and again there are literally no rules and oops personal relationships can be tricky fickle little things

[animecreator3000]

About the Boueibu iceberg

@delphoxqueen asked me to explain about my list for the iceberg so here it is. I might update this from time to time with links and stuff if I stumble across the original posts. This is all from what I know so feel free to add new info. Also, spoiler warning for RobiHachi and the Boueibu manga and novels. (This is like a masterpost it’s very long)

1. There’s a theory in tumblr about which decade the series is set in, using data like the friday the 13th calendar in s2 ep11. In HK we got a second number for when the next monthly Pretty Boy Contest was happening and using the one from Love it was theorized that around a decade had passed since then, which ended up being true.

2. The stage play had a few original songs and characters exclusive to it so unless you watched the full performance, you probably weren’t able to witness all of them. One of the characters is called “Robato Deniro”, as romanized in the stage play booklet I own.

3. The nurse and the cafeteria staff from the s1 mobile game appear in the background in around the first half of s2 ep3.

4. S2 had an unfinished manga that was only available online and was never released on physical format; it was centered around the defense club and sometimes the conquest club and Beppu brothers. All that’s left from what I know are the scans linked on magicalgirlsandcerulean’s blog.

5. This isn’t that obscure because it’s talked about in the anime, but I’m mentioning it because I think many people dropped it before the ova, where right at the beginning it is revealed that the alien that resucitated Mr. Tawarayama twice was, as described by Io, a “mulberry-colored naked mole rat-looking thing”, and was nicknamed “Moley-san” by Yumoto. At least in the anime, we had never heard before of who this was and it never appeared on screen nor was mentioned again.

6. In HK ep8, Karurusu promises the knights to grant a wish if they show him how earthlings spend summer. Kyoutarou reveals at the end of the episode that he wished that summer lasted one more day so he could spend it doing nothing, which prompts Ichiro to theorize that it’s the 32nd of august, and the next day is the second 1st of september.

7. The stage play was was held from march 10th to 13rd, of which the latter is Ryuu’s birthday. There’s an additional recording of a small celebration with cake focused on Ryuu and Io.

8. Atsushi mentions his older sister in the flashback at the beginning of s1 ep4, but she never appears or is mentioned again.

9. There’s a few posts on tumblr theorizing about what happened to the Hakone parents since Yumoto only says in s2 ep3 that according to Gora, “they are busy with their hot springs tour”. En mentions that it’s a bit suspicious, but it’s all the information we have from the anime. Posts talk about the parents perhaps passing away from an accident or an illness, thus the reason why Gora was so worried about Yumoto’s cold in s1 ep10, but from another post I think it’s implied in the second novel that they actually left their home when Yumoto was still a toddler.

10. It’s no secret that the surnames of the characters are all real onsens in Japan that even the seiyuus have visited, but apparently the Arima onsen has two different kinds of water, “kinsen (gold hot spring)” and “ginsen (silver hot spring)”, with different properties each, and the Kusatsu onsen water also has certain properties, both that were used to build the characters. Additionally, Ryuu’s favorite food are Sato Nishiki cherries, which are grown in the same prefecture, Yamagata, as his onsen, Zaou.

11. The press club lose relevance after s1, with only Kinosaki and Tazawa reappearing briefly in s2 ep2 to interview the Beppu twins after they arrive at the school. Tazawa doesn’t even have lines. Hireashi is mentioned by Zundar in ep11.

12. What the heck

13. Exclusively in the manga we see that Arima met Kinshiro and Atsushi when they were little and they were good friends, but when they met again as adults, Kinshiro seemingly didn’t remember Arima. Atsushi, however, stated that Kinshiro’s talent is remembering people’s faces and names, so Arima wonders if he’s just trying to distance himself from him. He also explains to Akoya that he follows Kinshiro and obeys him because as a child, he was fascinated by his radiant smile. This is never talked about in the anime.

14. Like the previous point, the anime never shows Akoya being bullied, at most just a slight dislike of his full name, but the manga shows that he was made fun of for it and how he actually hates his surname, to the point of introducing himself formally to the president and vicepresident of the student council as “Holy Angel Akoya”.

15, 16, 17, 19. Batonama lives were the livestreams done through the franchise by the defense club seiyuus on youtube and niconico. They’re all on youtube, without any kind of translation.

Love-ko is a girl with a shell bikini drawn on a piece of cardboard that was used as a girlfriend in the Batonama Love! lives, acted by the seiyuus themselves.

RobiHachi has one episode full of official Boueibu artwork and a parody of the series too, a Love-ko doll appears, and Wombat appears as well, named “The Don”. It received an english dub, so for a bit, people were excited that Wombat was going to speak in english too. Also, various mechas appear in both Boueibu and RobiHachi.

18. The director of Fairy Ranmaru (Masakazu Hishida if I’m not wrong) revealed in an interview that he was inspired by Boueibu and aimed to make a show like that.

20, 21. The website super-groupies.com has results for defense and conquest club lingerie sets, dc and VEPPer tote bags, the Beppus’ scarf rings, dc bath sets and the pumps magicalgirlsandcerulean mentioned. I’ve found the s1 Loveracelets and Caerula Adamas’ ring on different sites, the True Loveracelets on TheChara’s twitter and the Happybraces (apparently called “Hapibure”) on broccoli.co.jp but I’m not sure where exactly they were all announced and sold, so I’ll just drop that.

22, 33. Boueibu was originally pretty much a copy of Sailor Moon, I think they were all going to be called “Lackluster Moon” and that stuff and be literally Sailor Moon genderbent. They were all different from color palettes to physical features (except Yumoto’s), and Ryuu was a shota, even smaller than Yumoto. Their names were also very reminiscent of the five Sailor Senshis’. Even if they made it more original, the show is still clearly inspired by Sailor Moon (just look at Caerula Adamas lol) and Pretty Cure. It has also referenced, very blatantly, animes like Doraemon, Detective Conan, Aikatsu and even Vocaloid, when Kyoutarou tries to guess what Karurusu is saying with ““Just Google It, Asshole”?” in ep1.

23. Wombat’s real name and the name of his planet sound like gibberish to the earthlings and ends up being named after the Earth animal, but Zundar, Dadacha, Karurusu and Furanui all have original names. And I think Hireashi means “goldfish”?

24. If you google “zundar technology”, it’s actually a company in Shanghai, China. Aren’t Wombat and Zundar always talking about “advanced alien technology”?

25. Zundar and Dadacha are siblings, so are Karurusu and Furanui, and so are their father King Kamopapa and their uncle minister Wao, but neither are the same species and, except the first two, not even the same color. But they are supposedly related because they share birthmarks or something like that...

26. Everyone who’s in this fandom knows about the pixel blur and voice pitch censor from s1, but I’ve added it anyway because it’s so rare for mahou shoujo and shounen animes to explain why the heroes aren’t recognized when transformed.

27. A good while of s2 ep11 is spent discussing Zundar’s ex-wife and his problems to give child support. Naturally, he gets mad at this.

28. “Money doesn’t betray” (s1 ep6) and “The despair hidden behind your smile that comes from not being understood” (s3 ep11) are sentences that came out of nowhere and implied that the people they were said by (Io) or about (Taiju) respectively had some kind of angst going on but were never explained at all. They’re famous for just that.

29. The Beppu twins’ house in Andromeda shown in flashbacks had strange green circles that apparently are from another anime I don’t know but honestly I didn’t get it very well... It was revealed on a tweet from Takamatsu.

30. Alien language mostly appeared in s2 due to the many flashbacks of Aki and Haru in Andromeda, but in Boueibu s1, it appears on the Zundar Needle before it is shot on the human. It appears a lot through RobiHachi as well, due to being a story about travelling through space. There might be an alphabetical chart somewhere, but I can’t assure it exists, I might even have dreamed it.

31. Hikaru Midorikawa as the melon monster, Kousuke Toriumi as the bishounen monster, Yoshitsugu Matsuoka as the kotatsu and panda monsters and Takuya Eguchi as the remote controller monster in s1 and 2, before going on to voice the main cast in HK. Keisuke Koumoto voiced Hatchi Kita in RobiHachi as well as Akihiko in Boueibu, and the characters look similar.

A new addition is that so far Boueibu is the only anime I’ve seen where children weren’t voiced by female seiyuus, but by actual children. Personally, it’s charming and makes it so much more realistic, specifically since no women appear in the franchise at all either (not counting Protag-chan in the game).

32. Speaking of seiyuus, Can I Destroy The Earth? had a dub shown in ep11/12 (?) that made Gora the villain that wanted Earth to stay the same and not progress, against the monsters that supposedly wanted to bring good things to earthlings. Aki and Haru quickly dismissed this dub as fake. (I made a mistake in the title in the previous post btw)

34. As seen in the glossary in the Boueibu Mook (I think, but might not be the mook), Caerula Adamas’ speeches are based on an old japanese detergent commercial that went “Gold, silver, pearl, gift”.

35. In the manga there’s a short parody of the first chapter of Sailor Moon with “Pretty Boy Guardian Gakuran Akoya”. The conquest club manga was released before the anime, so I remember reading somewhere that a fake website appeared for the Gakuran Akoya manga, before turning into the conquest club manga website in the day of its release.

36. Cgi was used a few times in the anime: s2 ep10 for a short sequence of the defense club on a rollercoaster and the carousel monster, ep11 for a cenital shot of the Battle Lovers singing, and HK ep12 for the Honyalaland soldiers and the Wao mecha.

37. The toothbrush incident in s1 ep7. (It’s definitely well-known but it’s so weird lol)

38. “We hope we can see each other again someday!” Something along those lines was the last text to appear in the last episode of HK, implying a s2. We all know how that went.

[inkribbon796]

What a Beautiful Wedding Ch. 5: For the Dancing and the Dreaming

Summary: Dark and his family try and get out of their little reality bubble.

A/N: I should have had this out yesterday, but someone *glares at Chase* were being difficult.

Title comes from the song “For the Dancing and the Dreaming” from How to Train your Dragon 2.

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

//////~~~~//////~~~~//////~~~~//////

Channel 2

//////~~~~//////~~~~//////~~~~//////

The instant Dark mentally came back to himself he pulled everyone back into the Manor. But he also found that Anti and Henrik were within the same bubble as well and grabbed them as well.

The instant he started explaining things everyone started waking up.

“Who knows how long we’ll be here,” Dark finished.

“At least ve’re avake,”[1] Henrik decided from where he was standing with Chase.

Illinois, who had only been away for the past couple of minutes, was trying to remember where he’d been before this before remembering he’d been at his wedding and flying into an immediate panic.

“Eric!” Illinois realized with horror.

He got up and raced through the front door, he planned on running all the way to the park but the instant his feet were outside the door he was already reaching the chain link fence to Eric’s backyard.

But Illinois was not deterred, he was getting his fiancé back if it was the last thing he did. Illinois practically vaulted himself over the chain link fence.

“Eric, dulcito[2],” Illinois called up outside his window before thinking: “screw it!” and used his lock picks to break in and start creeping towards Eric’s room. He’d save punching this fake Derek until he was sure Eric was safe.

Just because he wasn’t real, and more importantly dead, that didn’t mean he could cause Eric a lot of pain.

Eric was asleep when Illinois walked up to his bed and shook him away.

“Dulcito,[2] we’re going home.”

Eric screamed in surprise, and Illinois held his hands up.

“It’s me, it’s me,” Illinois said, already starting to cry in relief. “We need to get home, we got dragged in and . . . please forgive me.”

Eric flinched before letting out a quiet gasp, “Illy?”

He practically threw himself into Illinois’s arms, starting to sob profusely as Illinois held him.

“I’m so sorry, I should have rescheduled the wedding, it should have been the happiest day of your life,” Illinois apologized.

“I wanna go home,” Eric told him, and went to move before he felt a sharp pain stab through his legs, mostly from stress, mostly from not having his actual good prosthetics all day and having to make do with bad ones.

“Eric?” Illinois asked in distress.

“My legs,” Eric sobbed in pain.

“I got you,” Illinois promised, picking him up in his arms.

Eric clung tightly to Illinois’s shirt, and then coiled up when a pounding came from the other side of the door.

The timid young man let out a terrified whimper.

“Eric what’s going on in there?” Derek yelled, trying to break down the door. “Who’s voice is that? Open this door!”

“Shit,” Illinois hissed, prepared to fight Derek.

“Illinois should start walking, quickly before Derek can enter,” the Host spoke up.

Illinois and Eric startled but out of reflex, Illinois began to start walking. He took two steps and suddenly he wasn’t in Eric’s home, he was running into his own. And the whiplash just about made him go unconscious. If he hadn’t been aware he was in a sitcom from hell, he wouldn’t have felt a thing.

“What was that?” Illinois looked around wildly. They were walking into the living room of the Manor.

“The Host used a screen wipe,” the Host smiled.

“This whole place is a shithole,” Illinois snarled as he rushed to carefully set Eric down on the comfiest-looking couch. “The laugh tracks were already giving me a migraine, thanks for stopping them.”

“The Host was not a fan of them either,” the Host agreed.

The instant he realized they were back in the house, Dark checked them over briefly when they came over and then Illinois set Eric on the couch and the two of them almost immediately fell asleep, wrapped up together. Dark stretched a blanket over them and then walked into the kitchen.

Mostly to collect his thoughts and figure out some kind of plan of attack. If it was just himself, Dark would worm his way out and hunt the Actor down. But he wasn’t alone. There was Lunky and Eric to consider, along with the triplets. All of them had no hope of standing against the Actor on their own. He couldn’t see what was out there, and didn’t want to take his chances.

“How yeh holdin’ up?”[3] Chase asked.

Dark was sitting at the large dinner table, he had a coffee in front of him. He wasn’t sure where or when he’d gotten the coffee from but he had it.

The sooner he was out of here, the better. He didn’t like how easily it was for the anomaly to pull him around.

“I’d think you’d want out as soon as possible,” Dark told him.

“Well nothin’s[4] happened yet,” Chase told him and walked over. “Sides,[5] at this point we should prolly[6] stick together.”

“You can do that perfectly fine in any other room,” Dark told him, trying to sound uncaring but he could still remember waking up with Chase in the morning.

“Yeah, but I was worried about yeh,” Chase told him, not taking a seat yet and just leaning against the table. “Sides,[5] Bim was growlin’[7] at me, so I decided ta[8] give him his space.”

“I’m fine,” Dark told him sharply.

“Kay,”[9] Chase agreed, not wanting to push him. The two of them were quiet for a bit.

“What do you want?” Dark growled.

“I told yeh[10],” Chase started.

“No, you’ve given me some thinly veiled plot,” Dark glared, “but not what you actually want. Is it the triplets? Is it boredom? Everyone wants something.”

“What if I just want you? Have yeh[10] thought about that?” Chase asked.

“Don’t play with me, Brody,” Dark scoffed angrily. “What do you want?”

Something in Chase just snapped, something that was always compelling him to take care of Dark. “I’m not fookin’ jokin’. I actually wanna be with yeh. Yeh frustratin’, self-absorbed piece ‘a shite. If I was gonna lead yeh on, I’d be actin’ like Wilf.”[11]

Dark’s jaws clicked shut and he glared at Chase.

Sighing, Dark tried to tune out the anomaly, which was whispering to him. The most tempting of whispers. To just push everyone else out and the anomaly could give Dark what he wanted. Could give him the power he wanted. Could give him a version of Wilford that would never look away from him. Children who would always need him.

It was so tempting, but Dark knew better. The anomaly couldn’t give him that infinitely. It would falter, it just wanted a living battery to feed off of.

“Dark?” Chase whispered, taking a seat next to the Entity. His tone gentler as his anger was fading.

“I can open a portal to let you through, but I don’t know how long I can keep it open,” Dark told him. “I also don’t know what’s out there. We’ll have to be careful. We need to make sure the weaker spawnlings do not go out first.”

“Sounds good ta[8] me, but heads up, Illinois isn’t goin’[12] anywhere without yah[10],” Chase chuckled. “Kid’s a little needy when it comes ta[8] yah[10].”

“Illinois has Eric now, he doesn’t need me,” Dark corrected. “I was safe in here, he was a child again. Once we go back out I have to prepare his territory, I have all these arrangements to make and—”

“Dark, Dark,” Chase urged. “Listen ta yerself. Yer Illinois’s dad.”[13]

“Wilford is his father,” Dark reinforced.

“Bubbles didn’t raise him, you did,” Chase reminded sharply. “Wilf went off an’[14] did whate’er[15] the hell he wanted. You made sure the kids were safe. Granted he didn’t have a choice sometimes but the point stands.”

“I can’t have children,” Dark said, but it was his blue soul that put the words there. “I’m not allowed near them. Demons don’t feel things like love or joy, they just exist.”

“We both know that’s not true,” Chase told him, desperately trying to get through to him. “Yeh[10] adore those kids. E’eryone[16] in this whole fookin’[17] town knows that.”

Dark went quiet, hanging his head, he didn’t have a firm rebuttal for that. “I . . . I’m not . . .”

“Those kids are yers[18] as much as they are his. Our boys an’[14] Tempus are just as much yers[18] as they are mine,” Chase told him. “Yeh can have ‘em an’ see ‘em just ‘cause yeh want ta. Not because yeh need ta pay fer ‘em.”[19]

Chase mentally froze because that last part had just slipped out, he’d never considered . . . He mentally thought about Memento and Mori and how the two of them would show him knives and things Dark had just given them. Of Illinois and his adventurers and power within the city. Or Bim and how Dark just let him literally eat people. “Dark yeh know yeh don’t have ta buy yer own kids’ attention, right? They fookin’ love yeh.”[20]

Dark made a disbelieving scoff.

“Dark, they compete fer yer attention whene’er yer in the room,”[21] Chase told him. “Why do yeh[10] think Bim an’[14] Illinois are fightin’[22] all the time?”

“Siblings just do that,” Dark dismissed.

Chase looked up, “Oh my how are yeh[10] this fookin’[17] dense? Dark, yer[23] lucky yer[23] cute.”

A slightly darker grey blush briefly spread across Dark’s cheeks, he looked away from Chase for a second.

“If that’s how yeh[10] think siblings are supposed ta[8] act, did Damien an’[14] Celine participated in death matches or somethin’[24]?” Chase commented, trying to lighten the mood.

“Something to that effect,” Dark admitted. “Celine was always the favorite because she was able to perform magic. Their father was very harsh with Damien because he was a null. If he hadn’t died the way he did, he would have surely become a demon.”

“Yer[25] old man was a fooker[26],” Chase told him. “Maybe I should have Host use the anomaly ta[8] brin’[27] him back so I can kick him in the dick.”

“Only if I can kill him for keeping me prisoner in his house for decades,” Dark promised.

Chase smiled, before really looking at Dark. “I was serious early.”

“About which topic?” Dark asked.

“I’m exactly where I want ta[8] be,” Chase promised, finally saying when he’d been trying to remember to tell the Entity for months now. “There’s no one else I want ta[8] be with.”

“You’ll get bored,” Dark told him.

“Yeh[10] managed ta[8] keep stuff interestin’[28] in all the years I’ve known yeh[10],” Chase smiled.

“You’re human,” Dark reminded.

“Depends on who yeh[10] ask these days, don’t think I’ve got many ‘a[29] those years left,” Chase confessed. “Henz an’ Marv prolly don’t either. ‘Sides, if someone does manage ta kill me, I’ll make sure my ghost comes back an’ haunts yeh. I’ll bang some pots an’ shite. Make sure yeh know it’s me.”[30]

Dark’s brow furrowed, he was still looking for something. Then, “You’re with the heroes, if you wanted to be with me, you wouldn’t have turned me down when I asked.”

“That wasn’t me turnin’ yeh down, that was me sayin’ no ta bein’ yer hired gun,”[31] Chase told him in exasperation. “I don’t mind the dates, but I’m not killin’ fer yeh.”[32]

Dark wasn’t looking at him, Chase inched a little closer.

“Here, I’ll use my regular equipment, we can make it look howe’er realistic an’ fancy yeh want, an’ I’m there. But I’m not killin’ on yer order. Defending yeh or the kids is one thing. But becomin’ yer private hitman is off the table.”[33]

“That sounds reasonable,” Dark told him.

Chase just about had the urge to lean in all the way and kiss him. But he felt it was all going too fast. This was still so new. So he didn’t.

Instead, Wil broke the silence.

“Awww,” Wilford suddenly appeared next to them, smiling and wrapping his arms around the two of them. “Look at the two of you.”

“Don’t push yer[25] luck, Bubbles,” Chase snapped at him.

Wilford just hugged them tighter, pressing his face closer to Chase’s until the marksman pushed Wil away and kicked him in the shins, cursing at him as he did so. Dark rolled his eyes as he watched them.

//////~~~~//////~~~~//////~~~~//////

//////~~~~//////~~~~//////~~~~//////

Outside the bubbles, the heroes were busy popping the next one they’d jumped into. Freeing Nate, Mare, Marvin, and Quackity among the other heroes, villains, and civilians they’d pulled free.

Phantom was a bit disoriented and started looking around, trying to find an easy escape.

“I had awesome power, this better be worth it,” Quackity rolled his eyes as he looked around. “Where’s Dream?”

“Still in one of the bubbles,” Punz answered.

Quackity stared at Punz for a little bit before smiling, “Hey Punz, how much would I have to pay you to have us just leave Dream in there?”

“Twice what you pay Purpled,” Punz told him, checking his guns.

“Fuck!” Quackity hissed, kicking some rubble. “Come on, dude!”

Another rumble passed through the area as one of the bubbles began to ripple violently and two tendrils snapped out of it, one shot out like lightning and attached itself to the bubble Dark was in while the other snatched up Phantom and pulled him in.

When the first tendril latched on it dragged Dark away from Chase and Wil and before anyone had any time to think it yanked him in and Dark’s bubble popped. The bubble started rapidly growing in size, and it yanked the smallest bubble into it and consumed it. It stopped swelling when it was twice its former size.

“The fuck was that?” Illinois shouted from where he’d dropped to the ground, looking around wildly. “Was that the Actor?”

“No, the Actor does not have the anomaly,” the Host said as he began inspecting the area with his own aura. “That bubble contains Techno and Phil and with the absence of other stories, the anomaly is desperately trying to keep what it does have. Its hold is weakening. Which means the Host will not be able to keep the Actor at bay for much longer.”

“Do you know who are in the other bubbles?” Ponk asked. “Be really nice to have fucking Skeppy right now.”

“I’m right here,” Marvin shot at him.

“I give you one of these books and Skeppy will kill me,” Ponk told him.

“Hey, wait a second, is that one ‘a[29] the,” Marvin recognized the spell book he had as one of the cursed tomnes he’d been trying to get from the Server for months now.

Ponk held the book to their chest, backing up, “Uh . . .”

Sam shouldered his way in-between, shoving Marvin back as he summoned his trident. “We don’t have time to wait around.”

Ponk just stared up at Sam, leaning into him before they looked back at the Host. “So who’s where? Where’s Skeppy and Bad?”

“That one,” the Host gestured to the bubble higher up, “however it needs to be loosened by another two bubbles before it pops. There are too many powerful demons in there powering it.”

“Okay,” Ponk sighed in frustration.

“Techno, Philza, Big Man, and Ghostbur,” the Host pointed with his aura to the largest bubble that Dark and Phantom had been dragged into.

He continued to the farthest one, “That one has the Actor and all of Silver’s friends.”

“Fucker,” Silver spat, trying to fly towards that bubble at top speed but bounced off. “Give me my friends back!”

“And the last one’s got the Sides in it?” Bing asked from where the Google androids were encircled around him.

“That’s the strongest one,” Nate grumbled in frustration. “Why’s he in that one?”

“Because the entire legate is in there, it is likely it will be one of the last to pop for that reason. On its own it’s indefinitely sustainable.”

“Shit, he’s like a living battery,” Nate hissed.

“I’m going in,” Illinois decided, looking at the bubble Dark was in.

“Stay here with Explosion Boy,” Chase told Illinois, gesturing to Eric.

“My dad’s—” Illinois started to shout.

“Let us handle it, we can’t have all ‘a[29] our magically powerful people in one easy ta[8] capture area, stay with yer[25] fiancé,” Chase told him. “I’ll make sure nothin’[34] happens ta[8] him.”

“If I see there are any problems, I’m going in,” Illinois told him.

“Fine, that’s fine,” Chase told him, then he looked back at Jackie. “Jackie, come on.”

The Host lowered the bubble Dark had been dragged into and then ripped a hole in the bubble long enough for Jackie and Chase to go in.

//////~~~~//////~~~~//////~~~~//////

Channel 6

//////~~~~//////~~~~//////~~~~//////

Jackie and Chase walked in and a wave passed over them as their outfits changed. Snow buffeted them as they stood in thick warming fur coats and wool clothes.

Jackie was still in his mask but their clothes colors had changed to deep purples and dark reds

“Let’s go,” Chase yelled over the snow as they followed the road and hoped it would lead to a town.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Accessibility Translations:

1. At least we’re awake.

2. sweetheart

3. How are you holding up?

4. nothing’s

5. Besides

6. probably

7. growling

8. to

9. Okay

10. you

11. I’m not fucking joking. I actually want to be with you. You frustrating, self-absorbed piece of shit. If I was going to lead you on, I’d be acting like Wilf.

12. going

13. Listen to yourself. You’re Illinois’s dad.

14. and

15. whatever

16. everyone

17. fucking

18. yours

19. You can have them and see them just because you want to. Not because you need to pay for them.

20. Dark, you know that you don’t have to buy your own kids’ attention, right? They fucking love you.

21. Dark, they compete for your attention whenever you’re in the room,

22. fighting

23. you’re

24. something?

25. your

26. fucker

27. bring

28. interesting

29. of

30. Henz and Marv probably don’t either. Besides, if someone does manage to kill me, I’ll make sure my ghost comes back and haunts you. I’ll bang some pots and shit. Make sure you know it’s me.

31. That wasn’t me turning you down, that was me saying no to being your hired gun

32. I don’t mind the dates, but I’m not killing for you.

33. Here, I’ll use my regular equipment, we can make it look however realistic and fancy you want, and I’m there. But I’m not killing on yer order. Defending you or the kids is one thing. But becoming your private hitman is off the table.

34. nothing

[parvuls]

fic: in the space between (1/2)

the astronauts/scifi au literally no one asked for.   a 3k ficlet of eric bittle thriving in places the world thinks he can’t -- in every single universe.

(part 1 | part 2 | read on ao3)

-

    FABER 15 AIR-TO-GROUND TRANSCRIPTIONS

  00 00 00 34 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Just letting you know your trajectory is headed straight into Driucs, Zimmermann. Over.

00 00 00 41 COMMANDER J. ZIMMERMANN

Roger. We copy that, Houston. Changing courses now. 

00 00 00 48 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Get on that. Things aren’t looking good ahead. Over.

00 00 00 55 SECOND PILOT B. KNIGHT

Can’t believe you don’t fucking trust this guy. He’s already tense as shit, Lards, you got nothin’ to worry about. 

00 00 00 57 SECOND PILOT B. KNIGHT

Over.

00 00 01 06 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Keep it clean on the coms, Faber 15. Administration is already on your case. Over.

00 00 01 12 COMMANDER J. ZIMMERMANN

Roger. You’re welcome to come shut him up. Over.

00 00 01 19 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Wish I could, Zimmermann. Change courses, now. Or I’m stealing a ship and coming to beat your ass. 

00 00 01 22 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Off record, Houston. Delete from written transcriptions. 

00 00 01 24 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Just get out of dodge, Faber 15. Over. 

00 00 01 30 COMMANDER J. ZIMMERMANN

Roger. Trajectory adjusted, should be going around Driucs. Over.

00 00 01 36 CAPCOM L. DUAN

(Music: “It’s About Time”)

.

  Driucs is a ball of hot pink mottled with orange from the sandstorms raging on its surface. Shitty thinks that it’s pretty, wants to screencap the ship’s monitors so he can ask Lardo for a painting of it later. Jack thinks that it’s an unnecessary hazard ringed with a dense asteroid belt, and that all he wants to do is bypass it as quickly as possible without colliding with a mass of solid carbon.

“Chillax,” Shitty says to this, kicking his feet up to the control panel. His toes are edging the radar display, and Jack grinds his teeth, shoves them off without bothering to argue about it once again. He’s so tense that he doesn’t even comment on Shitty’s choice of socks; galaxy printed with tiny marijuana leaves, crisse. “Everything will be A-OK. Always fucking is, Jacko.”

Jack wipes his brow with the back of his hand, shifts his hold on the control wheel and tries to focus on getting them through safely. “You know I hate it when you’re being cavalier.”

The door to the flight deck slides open, and someone exclaims, “Oh, what a view!”. Jack doesn’t need to turn his head; Bittle walks up between the two piloting seats, leans right on the center panel to gaze up at Driucs through the big windows. “It’s absolutely gorgeous, ain’t it? We should make a stop there.”

It’s what he always says. Jack specifically asked Holster to keep Bittle in the sleeping quarters until they’re out of the Merudan System because he’s got no patience for this right now. “It runs a hundred and two degrees, Bittle. We can’t make a stop there.”

Bittle talks about everything like they’re driving Route 66 down to Arizona and landing on a foreign planet is just a stop at Wendy’s for a Vanilla Frosty mid-roadtrip. Some days Jack can’t believe NASA ever let him out of the Solar System; other days, he thinks that maybe they did this so he’d never come back.

Bittle either doesn’t notice Jack’s impatient tone or, most likely, chooses to ignore it completely. “A hundred and two degrees is just another hot day in Georgia,” he huffs, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Goodness, it must stop being winter in Canada sometimes, does it not?”

Shitty snorts. His feet are back on the panel again, scratching against each other absently. “I think he means a hundred and two degrees Celsius, brah.”

Bittle pauses, hovers over Jack’s shoulder for a moment. And then says, “Oh. Well, that is rather warm, indeed.”

.

  They picked Bittle up from a tiny space station right by Cleto, where they'd stopped for supplies. The order came from high up in Houston, and was very specific: Bittle was to join them on all ground missions until further notice, and was to lead all communication with nonhum species. They were provided with no background information or justification for expanding Jack’s crew, and Flight Director Hall hung up on Jack when he tried asking.

Bittle, the moment he stepped into the ship through airlock, pulled off his helmet to reveal a head of blonde hair and a radiant smile. His suit had pins of rainbows and bunnies on it next to the American flag, blatantly disobeying uniform regulations. He offered his hand for an enthusiastic handshake despite the bulky EV glove covering it -- without decontaminating first -- and Jack’s first thought was that all of it must be a joke. 

But it wasn’t. It’s been three months since orders came and no further notice was given. Instead, every day since has been filled with ceaseless chatter and pop music playing in the communal area and Bittle’s petulant morning complaints about intergalactic coffee being just not the same.

“You’re not even trying,” Shitty tells Jack nearly every night. He’s made a habit of crawling into Jack’s bunk since their first year on the same crew, gives bullshit excuses about how Jack keeps him warm in the cold, cold outer space. It’d be less troublesome if he at least bothered to put some clothes on to save Jack the uncomfortable conversations with Mission Control Center about workplace relations. “Do not motherfuckin’ lie to my face, Zimmermann -- you are not trying, you didn’t try once, Bittle is a tiny Southern bundle of delight and you’d like the shit out of him if you could get over your sorry ass and try.”

But Jack doesn’t want to try. Jack wants to get to his annual performance review and pass with spotless marks, which may as well not happen if Bittle insists on striking conversation with every nonhum race they encounter during the simplest of missions. Jack didn’t leave Earth to make friends, neither with crewmates nor alien species, and he certainly isn’t looking for friends who put his job at risk.

Shitty won’t stop pestering him about it, though, so Jack takes to pushing him out of the bed and shoving a pillow over his ears. It doesn’t make Shitty stop talking, but Jack is good at pretending to fall back asleep.

.

  Evor is five days’ flight past Dricus. Jack assembles a mission brief in the communal area the night before landing, gathers the boys around the large screens covering the rounded center of the ship. The screens are currently displaying all known information about the people of Evor, who are notoriously unfriendly and are especially inhospitable towards humans. There are reasons, Jack figures, but he never looked too deeply into it; he has no intention of contacting them at all.

“Mission goal is to extract soil samples from the mines on the mountainous side of the planet,” Jack says. The images on the screen behind him switch on voice command, are now a rotating photo of said mines. “It’s mostly unpopulated, so there shouldn’t be any run-ins with the locals. Mission estimated time is three hours on Earth clock.”

Ransom shoves his hand into the bag of chips balanced between Holster and him with a contemplating expression. “Sounds like child’s play. We all going in?”

“Yes,” Jack crosses his arms. He’s no doubt that any of the boys would like to stay behind and get a few extra hours of rest, but he doesn’t like taking unneeded risks. There’s strength in numbers, and he feels safer knowing that they have several eyes watching several backs out there. “Solid landing, no risk to the ship, no reason for anyone to stay here. Get your gear ready tonight.”

“Wait, Jack --” it’s Bittle. Of course it’s Bittle. Jack takes a deep breath and turns to him. He’s sitting in a single seat, legs crossed and hands clasped in his lap. “Listen, I’m not sure it’s such a great idea.” Jack’s scowl must be deeper than usual, because Bittle cringes and hurries to explain, “I mean, no offence to your -- mission planning, or. You’re usually great at that. I just mean, the Evor people don’t like strangers, and they sure as heck won’t like us, and they’re a people of warriors, you know, like, they make their money off lending their fighting skills to other armies --”

“Is there a point to this?” Jack cuts him off. It’s not that he doesn’t think Bittle means well, because he’s not blind: Bittle is made of nothing but good intentions and sunshine demeanor. His tendency to babble on and on simply isn’t welcome during mission briefs. Too time-consuming. 

“Yes,” Bittle insists. He looks unhappy, a tiny furrow wrinkling at his forehead. “Going in with more than two or three men can be seen as a threat, and I just don’t think --”

“It doesn’t matter,” Jack interrupts, “because if all of you will follow orders there’s no reason for us to come across them or stay on the ground for long enough to be perceived as anything but transients. Leaving crewmates behind is a risk that we won’t be taking.”

“But --”

“End of story, Bittle,” Jack says, and it’s louder, meaner than it usually would be. He can see Shitty frowning at him from the corner of his eye, can see Holster glaring into his handful of chips. He gets that they feel overprotective of Bittle, being the smallest and the newest, but if Bittle wants to be part of the crew he’s got to either get with the program or quit. Jack can’t lower his professionalism standards just because Bittle might be offended. “Any more questions?”

There’s silence, so Jack adjourns the brief and turns away. He can hear, muttered from somewhere behind him, “Yeah, what crawled up your ass?”. He chooses to ignore it and focus on turning off the screens, instead of giving it enough thought to start doubting himself.

.

  The worst thing is: Jack can’t figure out how the hell Bittle got there.

“I think he has a degree in like, sociology or something, man,” Holster told him a few weeks after Bittle had come aboard, while they were waiting outside the showers and listening to Bittle’s off-key rendition of a song that’d been in the radio maybe a decade before. “A master’s, I think, definitely no doctorate.”

Holster actually really liked Bittle, right off the bat; they all did, bar Jack, which just made the whole situation even more irritating. But they hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep that night and Bittle’s singing was truly awful, so Holster was probably feeling less kind than usual.

“Shitty’s got four PhDs,” Jack said, banging his head back against the wall, abstractedly thinking that a concussion might make the singing stop. “Ransom’s getting his second one now. While in space. You don’t think it’s fucked that some undereducated humanities kid from nowhere, Georgia is going through the cosmos like he’s on a third grade school trip?”

Because Bittle was terrible at physics, and he paled visibly whenever someone started talking about biomechanics, and Jack had once caught him snoozing while Ransom had been fervently explaining the primary composition of Krer’s atmosphere. The most insulting part of it all, probably, was that NASA used to demand a STEM degree to even qualify for a program, and Bittle barely had a dubious understanding of astronomy, while traveling space.

Of course, the moment the words were out of Jack’s mouth the singing stopped and the bathroom door slid open, Bittle standing behind it. He was wrapped in a towel, beads of water still lingering on his temple, dripping down his cheekbones. His face was red, blotchy, but the hard expression on his face made Jack think that the color wasn’t necessarily from the water temperature. 

“Excuse me,” he said, voice uncharacteristically cold. His shoulder knocked into Jack’s when he passed them, leaving behind a wet patch on Jack’s shirt. Bittle was small, and the door was adequately sized, and there were a good two meters between Holster and Jack, which left the obvious conclusion that it was most definitely on purpose. 

Holster followed his departure with bleary eyes, shifting the bundle of clothes in his hands guiltily. “I think he heard you, bro.”

Jack rubbed at the wet patch with his right hand. “No kidding,” he grunted, and couldn’t really find it in himself to care.

.

  Bittle seems wary from the moment they step foot on the jagged surface of Evor. Holster and Ransom force their way into the space by his sides, bracketing him like two towering bodyguards. They do their best at trying to get him to lighten up while climbing up to the mines; the crew figured out that they all played hockey at some point of high school, so Holster is animatedly explaining the rules of zero-G hockey, all of which he’s made up himself. 

“And sometimes we do full out matches when we meet other ships,” Ransom says, struggling with the unfamiliar gravity force to hoist himself up a big rock. “But a few months ago we were on Islikaru and there was this Russian crew, and this dude, Alexei, oh my god --”

A few small stones tumbling downhill bump into Jack’s boot, drawing his attention away from Ransom’s voice, and he mutes the coms to listen closely for any noises. There’s a rumbling coming from the other side of the mountain. It sounds like -- oncoming thunders, maybe, or a little like --

“Prepare for attack,” Jack turns the coms back on immediately, dives in front of Shitty to block the crew’s path up to the mines. Shitty stumbles, catches himself with one knee and both palms flat on the ground. “Abandon mission, now! Back to the ship!”

A dozen of Evor warriors descend from beyond the peak of the mountain, closing in on them faster than they can run. Jack’s crew doesn’t carry weapons. The Evor warriors are big, look like an odd mix of a gorilla and an elephant that’d be classified as some sort of reptile. Ostie de tabarnak, Jack knows next to nothing about them, and definitely nothing about how to beat them in a fight three-on-one. 

“We’d never make it back on time!” Shitty yells, clambering to his feet and shoving the rest of the boys back down the mountain anyway. He’s right, but Jack has no backup plans and less than no time to come up with any. This was not supposed to happen, there was no reason for this to happen. They’ve been on Evor ten minutes, not even that.

Bittle jumps from between Holster and Ransom, scrambling up to reach Jack. He grabs Jack’s arm, face white and rapid breaths fogging up the visor. His expression is just as terrified as the rest of them, but Jack has never seen him this determined. It makes his feature look sharper, less angelic. “Let me go talk to them! Jack, let me --”

“What?” Jack rips his arm away, tries to shove Bittle back towards the ship as fast as he can. “Bittle, are you insane, they’re coming to attack us --!”

“Because we seem like a threat!” Bittle yells. The volume of his voice catches Jack by surprise, gets him to stop racing down for a moment just long enough to remember that Bittle said the same thing at the previous night’s mission brief. That Bittle must be holding himself back from screaming, I told you so, and now look where we are. “Let me go talk to them, I can explain the situation --”

“No! They’ll attack you before you get a word out --”

“They won’t! I understand their culture, the way they work -- Jack, you just -- you gotta let me try!”

“You’ll die --”

“Oh, Lord, we’re gonna die either way, so what’ve you got to lose, Zimmermann? You gotta trust me to have your back! ”

Jack stops. His breathing is loud in his ears, heart pounding. Shitty, Holster and Ransom are ten meters down the mountain, staring at Bittle and he wide-eyed, waiting for a decision. The Evor people are fast, and they look furious; they’re ninety or maybe a hundred meters away, and closing the gap with every second. Jack swallows, tramps down the panic rising in his throat. 

“Go,” he says finally, voice gravelly. “Go, Bittle.”

Bittle gives him one last wild look, and runs towards imminent death. 

.

  FABER 15 CREW GROUND-TO-GROUND TRANSCRIPTIONS

  00 00 02 04 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Faber 15, Faber 15, this is Houston. Over.

00 00 02 06 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Faber 15, this is Houston. What is going on. Over.

00 00 02 09 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Faber 15, this is Houston. Answer me. Over.

00 00 02 11 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Goddamnit boys, what happened!

00 00 02 14 COMMANDER J. ZIMMERMANN

Houston, this is Faber 15 returning to ship. Over.

00 00 02 17 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Jesus Christ, Jack. Tell me what happened.

00 00 02 21 SECOND PILOT B. KNIGHT

Jesus’ got nothing to do with this, Lardo. This was all Eric R. Bittle.

00 00 02 25 COMMANDER J. ZIMMERMANN

Mission didn’t go as planned. Sending you a full report as soon as we’re back on board. Over.

00 00 02 29 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Roger. Tell me everyone’s okay, Zimmermann. Over.

00 00 02 34 SECOND PILOT B. KNIGHT

Alive and kickin’. Can’t get rid of us that easy. But seriously, tell whoever sent us Bittle that I’m getting them a fruit basket whenever I’m back on Earth. 

00 00 02 38 CAPCOM L. DUAN

Roger. I’ll tell them to expect that. Get that report done ASAP, Zimmermann. And never do this to me again. Over.

00 00 02 42 COMMANDER J. ZIMMERMANN

Roger, Houston. Out.  

.

  The boys all separate into their quarters as soon as they’re back in the ship, their postures slumping and their hair damp with cold sweat. Jack stays behind, twists the airlock chamber shut. It feels like his entire body is heavier than usual, and it isn’t because of the ship’s gravity. 

When he looks up, he finds that Bittle’s still there; there’s an uncomfortable pause when they both hesitate by the passageway. Bittle’s back is turned to Jack, muscles tense beneath the dark fabric of his undershirt, but his head is tilted over his shoulder, searching for Jack’s eyes. His face is closed off, looks as blank as it can get. Jack’s hands clench into fists by his side and it makes the rubber of the gloves creak. He works his jaw as he tries to find the right words to say.

“That was --” he begins, and then swallows with difficulty. Bittle doesn’t turn to fully face him, only lifts his gaze until their eyes lock together. There’s spots of furious red high on his cheeks, his mouth pressed thin. Jack has no idea how to translate this information into any sort of social clue. “You. Euh. That was good, Bittle. Good work.”

Bittle’s mouth parts, his eyebrows knitting together, but his chin drops down so his expression is hidden from Jack’s view before he can try to read into it further. His right hand, leaning on the passage frame and keeping him in the mid-motion of leaving, tightens almost imperceptibly.

“Thanks, Commander,” Bittle says finally. His voice is steady, neutral. He’s still facing away. “Just doing my job.” 

He carries on walking away, then, like his pause in the passageway never occurred at all. The insulating door slides closed behind him, and Jack is left standing in his gear, staring at the white expanses of the walls. He has this sinking feeling that he made a critical misstep has no idea how to undo.

[heymacy]

the club diaries: chapter one ✍🏼

if you didn’t know, i recently got a job as a cocktail waitress at a strip club. a friend from my day job got me an interview there for bartending, but since i’ve only waitressed in the past i’m starting there and then will train along the way.

if you told me a year ago that i’d be working in a strip club part time, i’d have assumed i was hallucinating, so this is an entirely new experience for me and i thought i’d share stories about the job with y’all since i’m sure there will be many.

my first night, i got there early to fill out my tax paperwork and get my uniform. once i was dressed, my friend (we’ll call her E) had me shadow her for the rest of the night, helping her with tables and orders.

before i got this job, i had been to a strip club one time in my entire life. it was almost an entire decade ago, when I was 18, and i went with my boyfriend at the time and our mutual best friend. a stripper named hunter put her face in my boobs and it was definitely a, uh, memorable experience.

i’ve also never been to a club or a bar, in the traditional sense. it was never my scene, i don’t really drink alcohol, and my only friends have always been neurodivergent homebodies like me.

then, all of a sudden, i’m in a corset with my boobs front and center and fake eyelashes to the heavens pouring shots of overpriced Grey Goose vodka for middle-aged men in button-down shirts. culture shock? yeah.

but to be honest? it’s not that different from my other job

let me explain. at our day job, even though we work in different departments, E and i deal with rude people, angry people, sometimes even violent people. we have to think on our feet and problem solve and placate the customer until someone in upper management can slide in and either solve the problem entirely or escort them out of the store. the exact same is true at the club. in fact, i was told by three people during my first shift that if anyone ever does anything that makes me uncomfortable, like touching me without my permission or making lewd comments, it’s 100% okay and encouraged to tell them to fuck off. at my day job, i’m not allowed to do that, so it’s actually nice to know i have that option if things get dicey.

and that’s the thing: things get dicey at both jobs. just the other day, at my day job, a man came in high on coke and meth with a switchblade and tried stealing a tablet from the electronics department by cutting the security tag. when it didn’t work, his high ass came over to my department, slammed the knife down on the table, and demanded to speak with a manager while muttering incoherently under his breath.

the entire world, every single part of it, is deeply and utterly bizarre.

the first night was pretty simple, just shadowing E and helping her with her tables. we spent a lot of time taking orders since it was a busy night, but the computer system was glitching a lot so there was a lot of standing around, waiting for credit cards to process, waiting for the POS system to reboot. i got there around 9:30 and i was there until about 3am. the next night i went in around 10 and worked on my own until about 5:30. at one point i was awake for a grand total of 42 hours and was fully convinced i was losing my mind and becoming irreparably insane. turns out sleep depravation doesn’t agree with me - who knew?

overall, i was surprised by how laid back it was. like yes, it’s crazy in a lot of ways. flashing lights, boobs everywhere, smoke and alcohol and cologne flowing through the room, loud music, people yelling at each other, etc. think, the jersey shore crew on a night out at karma, only with actual strippers.

i’m also surprised by how comfortable i felt in my uniform. i’d never struggled with my weight until i turned 22, and i just recently lost about 45 pounds due to illness, so my body image has been a little wonky as of late. however, i was a musical theatre kid (shut up) and honestly, i wore an outfit just as scandalous when we did a rendition of “hey big spender” from sweet charity (a musical that’s literally about nightclub dancers, by the way). so quite frankly, i’ve been rather comfortable in the skrimpy little outfit, which is surprising even to me.

anyway, so far things are going well. i anticipate drama, and chaos, and there’s already been some, but that’s ultimately the reality of every job ever. at my day job, the drama is insubordination and return policies and angry Karens. at my club job, the drama is “why does a vodka cranberry cost $16?” and “this guy is drunk, call security” and to be honest? it’s less emotionally exhausting to explain overpriced alcohol to a slimy dude in a suit than it is to explain to a Karen why she can’t return the clothes she bought at walmart to our store, because we’re not walmart. 🙄

my next shift is tomorrow night at 11, and i’ll be there until the wee hours of the morning on thursday. thankfully, there won’t be a repeat of this weekend, since i’m completely free from both jobs on thursday and friday.

i’ll be making these posts every once in a while if i have any interesting stories or anecdotes to share, but feel free to ask me questions any time, and i’ll answer them as best as i can!

oh also, my wife is keeping all the cash tips i earn in a shoebox and wasn’t too amused when i referred to it as the “titty money box” lmao

anyway, here’s some photos of my uniform. thank you god or whoever for my boobs, they cause me tremendous back pain but i can hold $120 in cash, a cell phone, three pens, and a stack of napkins in there without being detected. so. pretty neat trick.

macy and her boobs, signing off for now ✨

[hibisha]

Hello, a friend of yours said you might be able to recommend some radiodust fanfics, and it can be anything im not picky

RadioDust fanfics you say? Alright *cracks knuckles* here we go.

1.) The Charismatic Cannibal’s Guide to Self Care

Rating: E

Summary: Alastor chuckled around a hand. Angel would never get over how shark-like he could look. Fangs were the norm here, but Alastor’s had a certain animal quality that fit strangely in a humanoid face. Too big and too many. And right now they were tinged with a hint of red from his choice of drink.

“So what,” he said, “would liven up the place for you, sport?”

You might assume that Angel Dust is the bad influence in every situation. You would be wrong.

The Radio Demon has plans for Hell, and plans for Angel. And they aren't pretty.

Will contain gore/cannibalism/murder and plenty of fun, bad people. Please read the tags and content warning. Plot now, smut to follow.

Personal thoughts: It only one chapter so far but I really like the premise.

2.) Their Arrangement

Rating: E

Summary: Alastor and Angel Dust have come to an agreement after Angel pushes the Radio Demon's buttons a little too far and inadvertently awakens the long forgotten urges buried under decades of bloodlust.

Personal thoughts: One of my literal favorites. Alastor and Angel’s evolving relationship from sex friends to ‘oh shit I have feelings’ *chef’s kiss*.

3.) Absolute Territory

Rating: E

Summary: Angel Dust is an absolute terror for Absolute Territory.

Alastor never knew he had a thing for stockings until Angel decides to flaunt a pair, matched with a pleated skirt and an oversized sweatshirt.

Personal thoughts: Have some good ol’ smut.

4.) Heart Between His Teeth

Rating: E

Summary: So maybe there are better things to life than being drugged and fucked so hard you can't even think for yourself.

Personal thoughts: OMFG. I CAN NOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS FIC.

5.) Angel Dust’s Not So Illustrious Life

Rating: T

Summary: Alastor isn’t sure why he’s become Angel’s primary target, but the more he attempts to dissuade Angel’s advances, the more fervent they seem to become.

And maybe Alastor likes that...maybe...Yet it seems there’s more to Angel than innuendos and a quick romp.

Personal thoughts: I kinda love this fic a lot where Angel and Alastor respect each other’s boundaries.

6.) Caught In His Own Web

Rated:E

Summary: "So when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never. Because the dance with the devil might last you forever."

Redemption is hard when you don't want to do it. Redemption is even harder when a certain Radio Demon keeps enabling your sinful behavior.

Personal thoughts: My favourite trope, bad people being worse together.

7.) I Thought I Knew You 

Rated: M

Summary: Angel Dust can't ruin the hotel's reputation if he can't go outside. Or, at least, that's what Alastor says. Of course, it's all a ploy to torture Alastor's least favorite spider demon, but maybe he doesn't know Angel Dust as well as he thinks he does.

Personal thoughts: I really like this one especially since it feeds into my “Alastor is a dick in all AUs.”

8.) Sex, drugs and radio host

Rating: E

Summary: For some ungodly reason, Alastor decides to keep Angel safe and sound - meaning no sex, prostitution and certainly no drugs. Of course, this wild idea is met with more than a little resistance. But... no one ever cared if Angel was safe. And sometimes, all he would like is a hug. Sex sure is nice, but he is more than willing to explore the possibilities.

The trouble is, it doesn't seem like Alastor is offering anything specific. Keeping things strange and vague is not helping, especially when a new guest catches Alastor's attention.

Personal thoughts: Its cute and theres feelings involved is all I’m saying.

9.) Gentleman's Wager 

Rating: None

Summary: Sick of listening to Angel Dust's crass and vulgar language, Alastor makes a bet with him. If Angel Dust can remain absolutely silent for one whole week, he'll give in and kiss him.

Personal thoughts: *inhales* JVKJGCHJCHJCVJHVJHGCJHCJHCGFD I LOVE THIS SO MUCH PLEASE READ IT.

10.) Triggered 

Rating: None

Summary: Angel Dust had never really thought too much about the static hum surrounding Alastor wherever he went... until now anyway.

Personal thoughts: It's a very good fic about ANgel dealing with PTSD. Def check it out.

11.) Dinner and Drinks 

Rating: None

Summary: Alastor and Angel Dust can barely tolerate each other and Charlie seeks to fix that.

Personal thoughts: Again, a slow development of Angel and Alastor’s relationship.

12.) You Do Something to Me 

Rating: T

Summary: Alastor's radio signals go both ways, and for the past few decades he's tuned into the most beautiful voice. What a surprise to find the source in the Happy Hotel right under his nose.

A relationship that grows through music.

Personal thoughts: AGAIN, PLEASE READ THIS IT IS CUTE HECK AND WILL CLEAR YOUR SKIN. Also, its part 2: No One Knows Anything But Us 

13.) 1932

Rating: M

Summary: The 1930s are the for perfect time to nurture any up-and-coming radio host or serial killer alike. Alastor is no exception.

Set in New Orleans in 1932, Alastor is living his best life. Broadcaster by day and home chef by night, he's learned that Jumbalaya is best served with a side of human liver and a still beating heart. That is until he brings the wrong meal to his table, a member of the Italian mafia, and ends up biting off more than he can chew.

With his latest meal escaping the table and his identity running the risk of being found out, Alastor faces his biggest hunt yet. The streets of New Orleans are his forest and this time, it's his head on the platter.

AKA Alastor screws up and now has to fix his mess in Dixieland while balancing his day job, cannibalistic hunger, and learn how to be a decent human being for once along the way. Should be fun.

Personal thoughts: I absolutely adore this fic. Please give it a shot.

14.) Contracts and Deals Series

Rating: E

Summary: Angel Dust, Hell's number one porn actor.

Alastor, Hell's most renowned overlord.

The two cross paths.

Angel makes a deal with Alastor to get out of his contract with Valentino. One thing leads to another.

Personal thoughts: It’s a good series that eventually gets really fluffy.

15.) Good Management

Rating: M

Summary: Alastor thought he had Angel Dust filed away into his niche box in the Hotel. He was wrong. But he's a good enough manager to fix his responsibilities.

Personal thoughts: Its AngeliaDark. You know it’s good.

16.) Anything for you

Rating: M

Summary: Valentino faces the consequences of hurting someone that Alastor deeply favors

i.e. Val fucking dies

Personal thoughts: Any fic where Val dies is a good fic.

17.) Predator and Prey

Rating: M

Summary: Every couple of years, Angel Dust goes through a change that makes him a lot less tolerable to be around, for many more reasons than one. The staff of the Hotel are about to learn that the hard way, none more so than Alastor.

Personal thoughts: Okay so, slight dubcon, would recommend checking the tags before going into it. Though I love how it tackles on the story of Alastor being a deer which is technically a prey animal and Angel being the predator for once. Absolutely love it.

18.) Good Tidings 

Rating: T

Summary: A Christmas party in Hell isn't the big selling point for the Happy Hotel (For Hazbins), but Charlie feels that the holiday season is just what her friends need to open up to and help one another.

So what better way to do it than with a Secret Santa?

When Angel Dust draws none other than his crush, the Radio Demon, he knows he has one shot to not eff it up.

Personal thoughts: Really fluffy, a good read. Highly recommend it.

19.) Vanilla Bean

Rating: T

Summary: Alastor decides to try his hand at pet names and inadvertently offends Angel Dust. Rated T for swearing and there's suggestive content if you close one eye, tilt your head, and squint.

Personal thoughts: Okay so i loved this one because of how badly these two handle communication.

20.) For Auld Lang Syne, My Dear

Rating: M

Summary: Alastor's solitude is interrupted by Angel Dust who has just escaped a rough client and the two spend the last moments of 2019 together.

Personal thoughts: Love love love this. I just love Angel and Alastor dancing together okay.

21.) I Like It Better When I'm With You 

 Rating: M

Summary: Angel deals with feelings. Alastor deals with feelings. Just a whole lot of pining.

Personal thoughts: Summary says it all.

22.) Technical Difficulties

Rating: M

Summary: The hotel is running relatively well. Relationships between Alastor and the rest of the staff are budding surprisingly smoothly. And then the rainfall starts up, threatening all of it.

Alastor's out of tune.

Personal thoughts: I love how this is written. Slowburn but worth it.

23.) Lurking in the Shadows 

Rated M

Summary: 5 instances where a curious and head-over-heels shadow follows Angel Dust around and 1 time where Angel decides to follow it instead.

Personal thoughts: It’s very cute how Alastor’s shadow pines after Angel.

24.) Crossroads

Rating: M

Summary: A mafioso’s and a murderous radio star’s paths collide in New Orleans in the winter of 1933.

Personal thoughts: OKAY SO I REALLY LOVE THIS BECAUSE HUMAN AUS ARE MY JAM AND THEN ALASTOR AND ANGEL BEING TERRIBLE HUMANS TOGETHER IS EVEN BETTER.

25.) Needle Through a Bug

Rating: E

Summary: Angel wakes up in a hospital after a party. His doctor is very strange, worryingly so. Still, he can't help but be intrigued.

Personal thoughts: Doctor AU. Alastor is insane. I love it because Alastor manages to be as creepy as possible while saving lives.

26.) My Roommate's a Demonic Deer 

 Rating: M

Summary: Don't you hate it when you "accidentally" summon a demon to fix a problem within your home, only to find out that they don't do that, so now you're stuck with a cannibalistic demon that constantly tracks blood onto the floor, brings other unholy beings into your apartment, and makes amazing jambalaya? It's amazing insanity!

Personal thoughts: Lmao I love demon summoning gone wrong so this was really an amazing read. Angel being a true himbo is always the best.

27.) Human Hazbin Roommates AU series

Rating: E, M

Summary: A series of porny RadioDust one-shots depicting modern human AU roommate life.

Notes:

Glimpses into the human lives of insufferable roommates.

(AKA This was supposed to be a practice at writing present tense smut and it devolved into sex and feelings)

Personal thoughts: Dive in for the smut, come out with the feels.

28: Darker Side of Hell series

Rating: E

Summary: Follow Charlie and later Alastor as part of my Story for the Hazbin hotel... It ain't pretty, so enjoy!

Personal thoughts: Not everyone’s cup of tea so i suggest reading the tags but I really love this series a lot. Angel being awkward and in love is the best shit ever. Its an amazing series.

29.) Scorched, Uninhabited, Rejected

Rating: M

Summary: When Hell suddenly loses all working functions, and angels start dropping from their overhead perches to attack the underworlds population, Charlie has no idea what to do before she's suddenly face to face with a Archangel. Though something, clearly, isn't right about the air the angel assures her to keep those who are dear tucked tightly by her side as the disaster struggles to fix itself.

But nothing is as it seems, Overlords' powers are dwindling and even her own is becoming strained as she struggles to protect her beloved hotel and friends from the Exterminators outside.

Personal thoughts: *vibrates* Can’t say much without spoilers so I’m just gonna beg ya all to read this.

30.) The Thin Line

Rating: None

Summary: Studies say it takes fifty hours of interaction before you consider someone a casual friend and two hundred to be a close friend. Alastor and Angel Dust manage to skip right past close friends to something more without either even noticing they've crossed the line.

31.) La Vie En Rose

Rating: G

Summary: Alastor learns that Angel is afraid of thunderstorms, and Angel in turn learns about the Radio Demon.

32.) falling 

Rating: M

Summary: "You're hot as fuck, be my boyfriend."

That was perhaps the worst thing he could've possibly said from that standpoint.

A college setting where Angel gets suddenly awful at flirting when it comes to the face of his crush, a cute library assistant that goes by Alastor.

Personal thoughts: COLLEGE AU COLLEGE AU. 

33.) Old Habits Die Hard

Rating: G

Summary: Angel decides to bring back a little habit of his after having a rough time.

Personal thoughts: Hella soft, please read.

34.) Handwritten 

Rating: None

Summary: Alastor imagines Angel must be lonely in heaven, he writes to keep him company.

 A series of letters addressed to Angel.

Personal thoughts: Hi, do you like crying into your pillow at 2 AM? You do? The look no further, this is the fic for you! Now, with extra heart wrenching feels!

35.) Relapse and Recovery

Rating: T

Summary: Going clean was never going to be easy, but easy was something Angel Dust never expected going into this anyway. At least he has a good support system to help him along the way.

Personal thoughts: I just really like AngeliaDark’s fics okay.

36.) Catalyst

Rating: T

Summary: All couples have their downfalls, and an event that should have been celebrated only drives Alastor and Angel Dust apart.

Personal thoughts: Love love love this. It’s very well written, reads easy and you’ll feel fluffy for days.

37.) Dinner Date: A RadioDust Tale

Rating: E

Summary: Angel Dust finally finds a way to get Alastor to agree to a 'date'. After all, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Sometimes literally.

Personal thoughts: One of my favourite stories about RadioDust.

38.) This One's Dedicated to [static interruption]

Rating: M

Summary: A couple of years since the hotel's opening, the residents have settled down into a fairly tolerable routine. Recently, some of them have begun experiencing peculiar symptoms which become more noticeable as time passes. To his dismay, the Radio Demon finds that he is not immune.

A chance encounter with Angel Dust propels the two demons together as they attempt to answer what's behind the unusual phenomena, while rediscovering all the things they thought dead and buried along the way.

Personal thoughts: Slowburn but definitely worth it. I love the story and how it’s progressing with a certain mystery surrounding the whole plot.

Also slight self plug I guess:

39.) 14 ways to say “I Love You”

Rating: T

Summary: Just a collection of small drabbles I’m writing on based on single word prompts.

Please check it out if you’re a fan of odd AUs.

Wowee, that’s a lot. I’m gonna call it a night and say that’s all for today. I hope you enjoy these! 

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

EVANESCENCE's AMY LEE Reflects On Loss Of Her Two Siblings: 'I Will Always Be Their Sister'

During an appearance on the "Hardcore Humanism" podcast, EVANESCENCE singer Amy Lee reflected on the losses of two of her siblings, sister Bonnie and brother Robby. Bonnie died in 1987 at the age of three from an undisclosed illness, while Robby passed away in 2018 after struggling with severe epilepsy for most of his life.

Speaking about her approach to understanding "darkness" and "light" in her life, Amy told podcast host Michael Friedman Ph.D. (as transcribed by BLABBERMOUTH.NET): "I've been through some stuff in my life. I lost my sister when I was six, and then, in a completely different world, so many years later and in a totally different situation, I lost my brother, just in 2018. It's like when the worst possible thing that you could ever fear comes true. I've seen the moments when that can happen. And I'm not alone in that. To me, going through that, surviving that, being able to continue on and find a way to make your life make sense afterward, that's really what I'm talking about. It's not that I like spooky things and darkness because it's fun to play with danger. It's that the time that I feel the most afraid or alone or whatever in my life is when it's like it didn't happen. It's like the world just went on living like nothing ever went wrong.

"I remember sometimes feeling really weird on beautiful, sunny days when I was a kid, because I felt like it should always be raining when I was grieving my sister," she continued. "It's kind of the same thing. To be able to talk about it, to be able to admit it, to be able to face it and say, 'Okay, it hurts this much, and I'm thinking about this stuff.' To be able to spill my guts is the thing that makes it better, and especially to be able to share it with other people. That's why music started for me in the first place. Processing the biggest wounds and the biggest challenges that I've been through in my life and in my heart, being able to make that into music that I love, and then, in turn, the even greater gift is to be able to see other love that music and have it speak to them on a level where they feel that it's doing something good for them to not feel alone in that moment too is such a blessing — something so healthy and so good. I think it's important to face the darkness, because it's real — it's really there — and if we can't face it, then we're just living a lie and letting that stuff bubble under the surface."

Lee also talked about how what she feared most was not letting go of the pain of loss of her two siblings, but rather forgetting the pain of loss. In this way, Lee felt that letting go of darkness would undermine her ability to feel connected to her authentic self.

"I don't wanna move past [the loss of my sister and brother]," she said. "I will always be their sister. So on a level, I feel like the thing about it is it's not that I'm ever gonna get over it. It's not that I ever want to completely get over it, because I'm never gonna let them go. They're always gonna be with me — really, literally — and part of that is the feeling of pain of losing them because I still love them so much. But the other part of it is laughing at memories and remembering the fun that we have too. I don't wanna just remember the people that I lost by their death. I wanna remember their life. I wanna remember our time.

"One of the hard things, in the aftermath of big losses I've had in my life, is being afraid that I won't remember," she explained. "Like, 'Oh, no. I'm gonna lose all my memories if I don't quickly try to ask my sisters or my dad, 'Remember that one time? What happened again?', and just trying to track things down, because suddenly it's this scavenger hunt for all of our time together that I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna forget. I forget stuff so much; so much has happened in my life. And I think, over time, they do start to kind of come back more.

"In the moment, when it's all fresh, you kind of feel like you can't remember anything, and then things sort of start to open up again after the grief subsides a little bit."

Upon its release, EVANESCENCE's latest album, "The Bitter Truth", charted at No. 4 in the U.K., making it the band's fourth Top Five album in the country. EVANESCENCE's first full-length release of all-new material in a decade, "The Bitter Truth" also debuted as the top-selling rock and alternative album in the U.S., according to Nielsen Music Connect.

Shortly after its arrival on March 26, "The Bitter Truth" rose to the top of the iTunes album charts in 22 countries. Recorded during the pandemic, it confronts the dark realities of the world head-on. Yet its resounding message is one of light, and that pushing through is better than giving up.

A kiss-off to the naysayers and the cheats in the rearview mirror, "Better Without You" explodes with the "metal catharsis" that runs through 'The Bitter Truth'" (Los Angeles Times). The official music video for the track was directed by filmmaker Eric D. Howell ("Ana's Playground", "Voice From The Stone"), who also directed the video for EVANESCENCE's "Use My Voice".

EVANESCENCE's new music was produced by Nick Raskulinecz, who also worked on 2011's self-titled LP.