#some of these quotes might be worded not verbatim bc this post is from memory im just having a moment

[ilynpilled]

“There are no men like me. There’s only me” is so good bc yeah it is an accidental admission of loneliness that was intended as arrogant posturing, but the way it evolves into so much more. The thing is Cersei is like him, is him, supposedly, but it is a romanticized image. The point is that that is a distorted mirror for both that allows self love that is otherwise impossible. Like for Jaime, that is the illusion of the knight and maiden narrative that is keeping the faint flame (purpose, hope, life force) alive, but it is not real. “Her torch was the only light in the cavern. Her torch was the only light in the world. She turned to go.” And if Jaime is faced with actual Jaime, “his darkness”: Jaime really does not like Jaime. He is repulsed by Jaime. He compares himself to men (there are no men like me oh but there are and I hate them/myself) he draws parallels, consciously and subconsciously. The Smiling Knight, the empty chivalry of his young self in Loras (maybe Brandon as well, do not know his thoughts here we are not in his head), him equating his actions in the gold hand dream to the Mountain’s with Pia (also in ADwD, indirect parallel is made, like his thought process after being asked “Is that why you killed all the Starks?” Repeating Tywin’s dogma goes to him getting flashbacks to the dead children in crimson cloaks. The attempt at addressing the question devolves into “Brienne where are you? Have you found her?”, it goes to “the fear of a knight coming to smash the heads of children against a wall” what he represented to the Stark children in AGoT. Then the village anti-parallel with both Gregor and Tywin. Then the half moon!), he sees his soul in Ilyn, like that is the Lannister executioner, that is his silent ghost (“You were a knight once, Ser. So was I. Let us see what we are now.”) Ilyn is another mirror, (more real than the mirror of Cersei or Arthur Dayne, both are illusions for him anyway) after his confessions especially: “The pockmarks on Ser Ilyn’s face were black holes in the torchlight, as dark as Jaime’s soul.” after the Arya confession or “An ugly smile. An ugly soul” after the drunken confession. Can there even be redemption atp? is something he keeps trying to figure out. “Jaime glanced at his companion. Perhaps there is yet hope for the both of us.” And then in general, all that talk of sin, forgiveness (“Forgive me.” “Your crimes are past forgiving, Kingslayer.” “You’ve harmed others. […] The weak, the innocent...”) , crime, punishment, and simply praying, running, and being sent to the block to pay for your crimes, and punitive justice done by institutions such as the Faith. But he does not care about all that, he never truly did. Jaime and his relationship with institutions was never like that. He is the romantic protagonist. There’s only him, and his ghosts. He is keeping his oath to a dead woman. The ghosts who judge him in the weirwood dream are all dead too. It is only him. His darkness. “No doubt he wished to pray. Jaime wished to fight.” He tries to find Ilyn. He is itching for it. He needs to find Ilyn: the mirror and the executioner. He needs to “live and fight.”

Then the Lancel confrontation. Lancel thought Jaime would come and kill him for his sins. The punitive justice theme is there again. “Pray for me if you like, I’ve forgotten all the words.” He dismisses all of the religious talk. He picks up swords. Not blunted tourney swords, not anymore. Swords. And goes to the executioner/himself, and does his darkest confession in that book. It is really like: Do I want to destroy myself, or let myself destroy me, or neither?? “Kill me if you can.” , “It might please him even more to kill me.” , “He liked to believe that he was getting better, but the improvement was slow and not without cost. Underneath his steel and wool and boiled leather [he] was a tapestry of cuts and scabs and bruises.” There is truly only him. Like he is really repeatedly confronting his own soul. “Down a twisting passageway he went, narrow steps carved from the living rock, down and down. I must go up, he told himself. Up, not down. Why am I going down? Below the earth his doom awaited, he knew with the certainty of dream; something dark and terrible lurked there, something that wanted him. Jaime tried to halt, but their spears prodded him on. If only I had my sword, nothing could harm me.” It is like how George talks of Jaime’s arc: “Things have to happen to cause the characters to question who they are and what their place in the world is and what the meaning of it all is … To go through the dark nights of the soul in times of fear and terror … If you have real characters grappling with real problems, then you have power. Jaime losing a hand, the very thing that he defined himself on, is crucial to where I want go with the character. He questions: "What do you make of yourself once you lost that?" & “I don’t believe in karma […] I do believe in the possibility of redemption.” & “When we forgive them we are essentially forgiving ourselves. Redemption should be possible.”

There is no golden hand in the final AFfC dream. There is only the ugliness of the stump. He thinks he is (negatively), and thinks he wants to be (positively) certain “figures”. The latter is rooted in constructs he is already disillusioned by deep down. “False as fool’s gold.” So many distorted mirrors. But there are no men like Jaime. There is only Jaime and his choices. So where will he go now? How will that emptiness be filled now, once he “stared at the ugliness of the stump?”

“I don't know the answer, but these are questions worth thinking about. I want there to be a possibility of redemption for us, because we all do terrible things. We should be able to be forgiven. Because if there is no possibility of redemption, what's the answer then?”

oh jaime u insane silly little man i love reading what is going on inside your insane head sfm ugh