#some of the negativity is probably just me pmsing anyways

[johnnythirteenguns]

anyways the other night was pre-pmsing and my app warned me so i was like okay i can logic myself out of these incoming bad moods and i went to bed and started daydreaming about meeting the woman of my dreams and like being charming and getting her number and getting married and then i stopped and was like no it’s gonna have to be her that approaches me because there’s no way id ever be able to get and hold someone’s attention long enough to be a potential sexual and romantic partner but then i was like well no wait there’s actually nothing.... attractive about me because im stupid and annoying so like really she’s gonna have to try hard to convince me that she loves and cares about me since i dont and probably never will believe that anyone is actually comfortable with my being vulnerable and in need of emotional support and care etc it spiraled into the danger zone but like

? thank you app? for warning me about this possibility because i was able to stop and check myself and be like well no thats not fair. there’s just too many people for that to ever be the case, there are people who would be good partners to me. i am physically attractive, im very pretty, i am nice to be around, i will be perfectly palatable to someone (that still sounds negative but like, baby steps). i wouldnt lose anything by asking some lady for her number, and it might lead to a friend or a friend and a girlfriend. things is not all bad and there will be a woman who gets my gender stuff and wants to put babies in me and wants to never live in this country it’ll be fine i’ll be fine

[steamishot]

Changes

~4/21? I think my mindset shifted a lot this past week, especially after staying with Matt and his family for a few days. Admittedly, I used to be very fearful of going outside to public spaces and be extra cautious every time I did take out. For example, my family and I have “outside clothes” and “inside clothes”. I would immediately toss my “outside” clothes into my laundry basket when I arrived home from the market or picking up food, even if I was out for just 5 minutes. My parents were against me doing any uber eats or takeout. They believed home cooked food was the best during this time and refused to eat non-homemade food. My mom left the house less than 2 times this past month. My dad is less fearful - he’s gone out multiple times a week (to buy food and for work) and doesn’t really care, but my mom and I always gave him shit for doing so. I felt like a huge hypocrite going out to see Matt, and was afraid of how my family would react. 

I’m really awkward whenever talking about love or romantic partners with my family - especially after what happened with my last parter. I’m avoidant. So I ended up only telling my mom I was going to leave to see Matt 30 minutes before I actually did pack up to go, which was very bad on my part. She was heartbroken and was super fearful and asked “can you not?”. She later called me during the car ride and told me not to come home for a month. Hearing that made Matt feel guilty, and he called my mom’s idea stupid. We got into a huge argument, with me trying to defend my family. I found out later there was some underlying resentment, where he felt like my family treats him like second-rate, which is probably my fault because I choose not to talk about partners to my family. 

4/25- it’s now been over a week that Matt has been home and I’ve seen his family every single day even on the days that we were staying at the Airbnb. Things have been kinda tense between us (I think he’s being mean to me, he thinks I’m mean to him). I realize that this is due to several issues:

- Quarantine/pandemic stresses: he’s a frontline worker in the epicenter of covid and working at one of the hardest hit hospitals. Even though he doesn’t verbally acknowledge his feelings and pretends he’s ok, he’s definitely more stressed out than usual. During this time, he’s even more sensitive to any criticism I have. He used to take it all (mostly), but he’s been retaliating more often recently. On his end, he feels that his whole life is a sacrifice, and he’s working extremely hard especially during this scary time - why do I have to criticize him during his vacation? I should just let him enjoy himself. 

-Attention: We’re staying with his family during this time, so it’s his time to catch up with everyone. He’s also catching up with his friends online. Because these are the people he rarely talks to (he calls me everyday vs. calling family for like 5 min once a week, and never calling/texting his friends), I have become last on the priority list in attention during his vacation. I keep telling myself it’s fine. However, because I’m also the person he is closest to, I feel like it’s me who puts up with his shit the most. Then I question, why do I have to be so nice to someone who is not very fit as a good partner (due to residency, especially during a time like covid), and on top of that has to be rude to me? I started feeling salty about that. 

- Lack of comfort: not to be ungrateful, but I realize that staying at someone else’s home for an extended period of time is stressful, even more so under quarantine. I’m not carefree at his home, and I feel like I have to be on my best behavior/ “professional” around his parents. I lose structure in my daily life and I always have to depend on someone else. I have a few articles of clothing I’m wearing over and over lol. His dad generously gave us his room (because it’s attached to a restroom). However, we’re sleeping on an old spring mattress that creeks with every movement. We’ve had to have quiet, inhibited sex lol. 

Anyway, I’m PMSing - 6 days before my period. I hate that I tend to PMS during the times that we have to spend together. I know my concerns are legit, but PMS can make it seem worse/more dramatic than what it is. I was watching Insecure season 4 yesterday, and there was a scene that stuck out to me. Issa’s best friend Molly (who has been single for quite some time) started dating a guy that she really likes. A few weeks later, she got upset that he wasn’t opening up to her. Issa asked something along the lines of “do you actually wanna be happy? you keep looking for problems.” Hearing that kinda put things into perspective for me, as I tend to focus on the negatives than see things as a whole.

Let’s focus on positive things:

- Having a partner in healthcare feels like having the fastpass in an amusement park. Going to costco and beating the line. Free stuff/food everyday. His mom is a PT at USC and she’s received free food, free orchids, free tangerines, etc. I stopped feeling guilty about being out for non-essential things (like going out for take out multiple times a day), because my doctor partner deserves it. When I return to my life at home, I’m not going to do this anymore. Also, he had a healthcare worker discount at the north face, and bought a jacket for me, his mom, and himself.

- Running. The men in his family are all into running. His dad is almost mid-60s and runs 5 miles multiple times a week. His teenage brother runs 7-9 miles like everyday. Matt used to run a lot too, and was the top runner in high school. That’s why even though he’s fat now, it’s only his upper body that is actually fat. His lower body still has that runner’s physique. I went out to the trail with them 3 times already. It’s hard because I have allergies in this weather, and also it’s damn hot. But I was able to run 3.5 miles last time. I’ll try for 4 today. 

- Everyday, his parents always ask him what I want to eat. They’re so accommodating, especially his dad. Tea is sacred to his dad, and he never really shared before. No one else in his family was interested in tea either. But because I showed interest and love tea, he’s been asking me multiple times a day - do you want tea? Do you want wine? LOL. He buys breakfast everyday - dimsum, burger king, mcdonalds, chinese breakfast, etc. They always make sure I am fed.

4/30 - after I wrote my last blurb, everything started going uphill. We both became more understanding of each other, and more forgiving. He became more relaxed, I became more relaxed. We were able to have fun again. to highlight the fun times that i had with him and his family:

- the first or second day i was over at his parents house, his dad offered me some tea, but i declined because it was already late and i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to sleep. i asked if we could take some tea leaves to go since were staying at an airbnb at the time. matt says he’s protective of his tea. i think he was a little shocked when i first asked him, because no one in his family is interested in tea, but he gave me like 2 bags initially. his mom was like GIVE HER MORE, GIVE HER 10. SHE IS LIKE FAMILY. i felt a little awkward but i love me some tea. 

- did so. much. takeout in 13 days. the first couple days I was still kinda paranoid about going out, but by the last day it felt like NBD to me. Got to eat poke, sugarfish sushi, nabemono hot pot, pho x3, banh mi, boba everyday, ramen x2 (men oh, ramenhood), burgers x3 (in n out, bunz, the win-dow), sugar cane x2, taro cake, yin ji chang fen, thai, philz, dim sum etc. it was reminiscent of our lifestyle whenever we went on vacation. we were still fatasses during quarantine. 

- played board games with his brother and mom. played poker with the family and his dad. his younger brother and i lost early on cause we suck, but he and his dad continued playing for another hour and a half or so - matt ended up winning. but it was very nice to see them spend time together as spending time playing games like that was never a thing in their family

- i helped his family take some cute family photos (with and without masks on). his mom likes taking family photos and usually gets to do so on family trips, but said they didn’t get any this year because of the quarantine. the boys aren’t big fans of photos either so she took advantage of me being there. i was also part of a few family photos!

- made charcuterie boards for his family. they really enjoyed it. 

- i spent some quality time with his 88 year old grandma. she mostly does her own thing (which is being babysat by an ipad), but one day i made her draw with me by following youtube tutorials - we drew a flower, mickey mouse, a cat, and a monkey together. she asked me to save a video so she can continue doing it and get better. another day, i wanted to have her write/read in english and chinese. his mom found an elementary chinese workbook and she ended up teaching me. the material was very easy and she was like “uh you’re already very good” lol. i then switched the roles and asked her to write in english - she was surprisingly very good and could write quite quickly. as an assignment, i asked her to write a letter to matt. it was precious. it took me back to the days where i would teach english to chinese seniors. i took a pic of them using my instax camera, and she really loved it. 

- watched farewell with his grandma, brother, and mom. we already watched it once before so he was sitting in the back only paying half attention. his brother was immediately into it and got emotional at times. at one point, he had to stand up and go towards the back of the room because the emotions were too much to handle. matt said his brother was tearing up. his mom said that watching their family was very relatable and it reminded her of her own family. i tried watching this film with my mom and grandma, but they didn’t get it and found it boring. it was nice to watch a chinese-american film with a chinese family to get that commentary.

- ran/walked/jogged at the trail a total of 20 miles during my stay there

- did home work outs - yoga, blogilates and peloton HIIT with him, his family and friends. we did echo park steve’s yoga one day too. his mom enjoyed peloton yoga and blogilates and asked me to save the videos for her. 

- in the first few days, his mom kept repeating “life is beautiful”. the first day, we cheered to him still being alive lol. (not funny and his mom was sleepless a few nights due to worrying, but i think it’s gonna be ok)

- news so I can remember: 3 programs in cali reached out to matt during his vacation, asking if he’s still interested in interviewing for a PGY-2 program. loma linda was one of them and would have been an amazing program to be a part of. it was a very hard decision, but he declined. he had already signed a contract with brooklyn, and this would require him to speak to his program director about his interest in switching programs. not a good look if you don’t actually get into the program. 

- his parents (moreso mom) is an avid, adventurous traveler. they had plans to go to africa this year and talked about rescheduling. she included matt and i in the plans to go next year and said “the four of us”. matt brought up norway instead, since that’s more doable. so we settled on going to norway as a family. 

- went with matt’s dad to drop him off at LAX yesterday morning at like 6:30am. he then dropped me at home, and officially met my mom for the first time. they shook hands and he told my mom “connie is so nice”. LOL. 

After coming home yesterday, my mom bombarded me with questions about matt and his family. and then asked about our future and whether we are thinking of marriage. she is against me moving to nyc during this pandemic, and i hate how uncertain everything is right now. she also thinks that i should be engaged before i uproot my life to move over to be with him. i agree to an extent, but i also understand if he is not ready. it is crazy that we have now been long distance longer than being together in person, and with this pandemic, i’m not sure how long that’s gonna continue. i found out that my mom feels ashamed of me going to stay at a boy’s house for that long. a boy i am not engaged/married to. she doesn’t say it but the actions make me seem slutty to traditional people. she hid the information from my brother and SIL - i think because she would be ashamed if the info leaked out to her parents. that is why she keeps pushing the idea of marriage/engagement on me. 

I took yesterday to kinda get used to being back at home, and felt quite sad to detach from my “second family”. In a way, even though it wasn’t always comfortable or easy, I at least felt I wasn’t stagnant. It was like a “bootcamp” to fit in with someone else’s family, their routines, and their daily lives. I’m also happy that I was pushed to run. They eat pretty heavy food, and they all overeat, but they also exercise a lot. My family portions well and eats very clean, but has milder workouts. Sometimes they intentionally skip meals to lose/maintain weight, whereas my family would throw a fit if we didn’t have food at a certain time. Their family is larger (130-190lbs), whereas my family is like (110-150 lbs)? After coming back home and eating my mom’s very clean food, I felt it wasn’t as tasty and I started craving heavier food lol. I think it would be beneficial for me to eat/live like their family for a few months (to gain weight and be stronger), and for matt to eat like my family to lose weight. 

When we were eating takeout ramen one day, his mom mentioned that he never used to eat carbs. When he was at home and had a workout routine, it was just protein and veggies. I realize that without me, he probably wouldn’t be such a fatass lol. He said he would probably be too lazy to go out to eat, especially if he didn’t have a partner. I remembered that before meeting me, his diet would be soylent and protein bars. We’ve come a long way.

Anyway, I’m finally getting back into my routine at home. It’s kinda boring now, but I’ll adjust. I did only the minimum for work these past two weeks, and now UC Path is down for a week, meaning I can’t really do much work. I’m taking a half day tomorrow, using COVID admin pay. My tomato plants grew a lot. My ginger may have sprouted a little, but my strawberries seem like they’re a fail. Finally applied for PUA for my uncle, hope he will be receiving a paycheck soon. Supposed to get my period really soon so I’ve been feeling pretty lazy. I may start running outside on my own. 

I’m worrying less about covid now. I used to freak myself out by reading the news everyday and following the subreddit, but looking at statistics, I feel ok. 

[coffee-gym-sleep-repeat-blog]

10/6/17 Journal

I’m pretty sure I was PMSing, or maybe my optimal amount of sleep is 6 hours and I drank too much caffeine, but I got really stressed this morning. My heart was racing, I was worrying about getting all my work done, and my temper was pretty damn short 😅 I was just a writhing ball of negativity. And I usually don’t have this much energy or have such good digestion so I’m starting to think 6 hours of sleep is optimal for me. Idk, I’ll still try to get 8 but most likely I’ll average 6.

Anyway, my morning class was cancelled this morning, so I went to the gym, came back home, had coffee, showered, then went to the store. I just picked up some grapefruit, coffee, and coffee creamer to try. I didn’t pick up any juices for my liquid fast because I want them to be fresh and I don’t want my parents to be suspicious. I can buy them fresh at work for my breaks if I need them or maybe some kombucha and then drink one at home. I know I said I’d allow myself to eat 1500 on the weekends, but I kinda wanna shoot for less than 500 these next 3 days. Idk why, I just do. I’ll probably fail miserably, but I just wanna see how far I can push myself.

Also I’m meal prepping tomorrow after work and usually I get too tired to measure everything super accurately. But I’m gonna put sticky notes on all my containers that say how much of everything’s in there. That way all I have to do is plug that into MFP and not have to worry about anything. There are somethings I’ll just have to eyeball though.

I’m super tired from my nutrition lab today though I had to make 2 recipes by myself and clean up. I had to stay 30 min after class because it took so long. So I kinda treated myself with a 130cal gingerbread mug cake, it was so good. I’m surprised I’m not more bloated, but I’m not complaining so 😊

Ok, I think that’s long enough, time for bed, good night everyone ✌️

[makingspiritualityreal]

I don’t know if I’ve written about this here already but I might as well do it now.

I have a long history of trying to get a decent looking skin (forget perfect, normal looking is a blessing) because ever since I was 13 I’ve looked more or less hideous from the waist up, my face, back, clevage, sometimes even tits and upper part of my belly were covered in disgusting spots and scars. My skin is not the traditional oily type, it’s actually dry and sensitive under all the zits and that makes it scar a lot in a very visible, ugly way, even more because I’m so pale. It also makes it harder to find any sort of treatment. I could basically write a guide for people with similar problems by now thanks to all the experience that I have. At this degree of seriousness of the problem, no creams, ointments or any sort of external treatment can really help in any way, all you can do is be hygienic, avoid touching your skin and keep your nails short (I haven’t actually had long nails in years because of this). This basically means you have to take some sort of medication because for anything to help it has to work from the inside.

The first solution any doctor offers is antibiotics and they work wonderfully, at least while you take them. The moment you quit taking them, everything comes back twice as strong and I think the bacteria actually gains some sort of resistance in the process. Plus, you have to live with the standard antibiotic side effects - weakness, appetite loss, vulnerable immune system for months or years. I took many different types, the treatment lasted years, probably just fucked up my liver and immune system in the process. Wouldn’t recommend this to anyone. The plus of this one is that I don’t think it did any more permanent damage than that at least.

The second thing the doctors try is hormonal treatment, first they test you for any potential hormonal imbalance (I had none, just very low levels of all typically feminine hormones), then they give you appropriate treatment. This is where the fun with the side effects starts. I don’t know if it’s just my body reacting to any pill based on hormones (I wouldn’t take this form of contraception even if I needed to jfc no) but not only it does absolutely nothing to help with your skin but you suddenly get mood swings as if you’re pmsing non stop, the hardcore way. Also you bloat up and gain weight. The plus is, the moment you quit, it all stops really fast, and I don’t think this one has given me any permanent damage. I definitely learned not to take hormones ever again though.

Sadly, today’s medicine doesn’t know any other relatively safe, acceptable ways of curing acne. Every pill that you take is a derivative of some hormone or antibiotic or it’s some placebo bullshit. And that would be it for the more or less safe part at least.

The ultimate wonder pill that is offered for all possible forms of more serious acne contains a substance called isotretinoin. Now this one actually works, I admit. It has helped me, since my face is more or less smooth now, maybe occasionally something small pops up but this happens to every human on the planet and whatever I have on my cleavage or back is not even 10% of what I used to have, I could basically just burn it in the sun and be totally fine again. Moreover, the effects stay after you stop taking the pills, which is I think singular among all other forms of treatment. But I wouldn’t ever dare to call this pill safe.

It is true that the safety precautions are listed, the list of side effects is huge and you are aware of them in theory when you decide to try this treatment. But you know how the human mind works, a young person who has spent most of their life trying to look decent for once instead of being ashamed to walk in the streets, has tried everything else to help themselves to no avail, will try just about anything in order to finally feel better. These pills, however, don’t make you feel better. They make you LOOK better, but they give you a lesson that even while looking better, you might still feel like shit.

These pills are a form of a non - permanent lobotomy. I’m not kidding. They actually influence and damage your brain activity. The difference is, it is not a surgery so your body will probably regenerate in time, but while regenerating you may also get some of the skin problems back too. This is how it looked for me, my skin was absolutely perfect for ages but then gradually I felt that I started to regenerate from the side effects and some of the acne started to reappear at the same time. It took years for this to happen and it’s still not as bad as it used to be, but it was ugly enough for me to try taking the medication again to try to get rid of any possibility of getting spots for good.

I decided that I’m not trying this again because the price you pay for this treatment is too great. After one day of taking 2 pills (the strongest dosage), you get all the symptoms of side effects back and you just start to pray they wear off fast because the anxiety attack is so bad.

What happens first of all is that you get this impression of something heavy sitting on your head, somewhere in the forehead area, non stop, combined with this impression that your brain is a big ice cream pint and someone has just taken a scoop out of your forehead. It physically literally feels as if someone took a part of your brain out. You are sort of dazed and confused, have issues with memory loss an your general intellectual performance drops. Also, aside from the traditional drying of the lips, you also lose your taste and appetite really hardcore, which is the first step towards lowering your mood. You generally get dry...literally in all areas where you shouldn’t, which is uncomfortable especially for a woman. The worst shit though starts when you lay the pills off and the emotional issues kick in. When I read on the safety notice that these pills may cause depression and suicidal attempts in some “rare cases” I disregarded it and thought it was ridiculous. Sadly, it is actually true and I actually believe it is not such a rare case at all. The problem with this pill is linked to the fact, that people who resort to taking it already have usually very lowered moods because they look shit, so the change in moods and emotional reactions that may appear because of the pill only shouldn’t be noticeable. However, it is more complicated than that. Ironically, while my skin looked much worse, I had more confidence and determination. That’s because the pill paralyses the part of the brain responsible for action and decision making. Weakening this part of the brain literally makes you less assertive. 

Reading all this, you can see that the side effects do more than simply lower your mood temporarily. The side effects mean literally changing your personality, mostly in a negative way, significantly lower your performance and may bring out your negative tendencies and create destructive patterns that you struggle to let go of, even after your body has recovered - like depressive behaviors or passiveness, or the general issue with just gathering your thoughts.

I realise noone will ever notice this post anyway but I have had it in drafts for months and I wanted to finally be done with this rant. I also know how it feels to have skin issues so severe you won’t even care about paying this price. Also who knows, maybe someone else taking these pills felt better than I did. I’m just saying that this should be brought to the attention of anyone who attempts this treatment. This is NOT done! There is no psychiatric/psychological help, you only sign an agreement that you are aware of your own responsibility while taking these meds and you are forced to take contraception because you absolutely can’t conceive while taking these pill at the risk of giving birth to actual mutants. So basically, the doctors give away these meds probably unconscious of what they’re actually doing to patients. This experience has given me a huge dose of skepticism with any doctors, meds (which I avoid at all costs) or their efficiency. Honestly, I would advise anyone to steer clear and try to stay healthy the most natural way possible unless there is some serious scientific progress happening at some point. 

[soovaryit]

Meme by @scariest_bug_ever aka my favourite person on the internet. I’m PMSing HARD, I’ve listened to The Climb by Miley Cyrus at least 20 times today, my boobs hurt and I don’t really want to post this but here I go.  These are my awkward ramblings about sex and dating that I will inevitably regret, part 1/2. (sorry mum and dad). I think I’m right in saying that ‘dating’ (even that word makes me cringe beyond belief) as a 20 something is a messy and mostly underwhelming experience. Dating apps add a new level of confusion to the mind fuck that is trying to find someone you connect, then throw in chronic illness and you have a really, really fun time. It’s important to say that these are just my opinions and general observations as a cis white woman who and I apologise if it’s boring heteronormative whining, it’s just (some of) my own experience. And I’m not generalising on the male population here either, again just stating things that have happened to me and most people I know. That’s the disclaimer over with. But ALSO bear in mind when reading this that I’m totally into text book romance really. And I want to find someone that I can build a life and a home with and pop out a few kids if my dodgy ovaries let me. I’m embarrassed now. But what I’m trying to say is that this isn’t a tragic ‘love doesn’t exist’ post, just honesty about the seemingly pointless and disheartening situations you end up in when trying to find something genuine with someone. I’m gonna start by stating the obvious, that dating apps like Tinder = toxic for the most part. Obviously it’s something I participate in, and me and my housemate Ali equally love and hate swiping through bios that read ‘Hey is good enough for a horse but I’d like something more constructive ladies’ and ‘£100 if you sit on my face right now!!!’ (I have a folder called ‘worst tinder’ if you ever feel like being traumatised). But on a level, it’s fucking depressing and reduces you to some kind of weird left swiping robot with no regard for humans. I know people who (and have myself) actually made genuine and lasting connections through it and that’s lovely, and one of the ways that the internet isn’t completely destroying humanity.   The main problem for me is that we’ve literally been brainwashed into finding THE ONE and the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE in a perfect situation where everything is magical and maybe Ryan Gosling will turn up and row you through a lake of swans or shout at you in the rain or something. Anyway, we sort of flail around expecting to find this probably non-existent person that we have super high expectations of whilst trying to find our focus in life, scrape by on pitiful salaries, plan our future, keep our physical and mental health intact and drink to numb the stress of all these things (if you haven’t gathered yet I’m finding my 20’s stressful guys). Navigating the dating scene when my health and sanity was in ruins wasn’t the best part of my life and I’m sure people were left with less than great impressions of me. I would not recommend doing this to yourself when feeling fragile; despite the part of your brain that cries ‘Put yourself out there!!! You’re young and free!!! Silence your depressing thoughts by drinking excessively with someone you don’t know very well!!!’  From the past few years of dating (ew that word), the thing I’ve noticed the most is how people seem to be desperate to make instant connections. Whether it be sexual, romantic, long term, short term, it seems less about knowing and understanding the people you meet and more about what you do with them or how often they appear in your snapchats or instagram stories. This is bearing in mind that I’ve participated in this strange, toxic world myself and am guilty of things too. Also to be clear I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with dating for sex , which is fun if there is a level of honesty and respect involved (I am sex positive make no mistake). It’s the expectations of dating that matter and the tedious situations that can occur when people aren’t upfront. I’ve noticed a particularly tiring and misleading new game that heterosexual men seem to play which I’ve decided to call ‘the girlfriend experience’ for the purpose of this blog (yeah I know that’s a service offered at brothels but shhh wait). The girlfriend experience is usually wanted by insecure men, desperate for a real connection but terrified of admitting that to themselves. They want a one night stand, or maybe even to see you regularly, and while they’re with you they will unleash a torrent of emotional baggage on you, attempt to exhibit all the traits you want in a partner, do ‘romantic’ things with you … and ignore you when you expect a fraction of attention back. This kind of shit has happened to me and probably everyone I know. Typically, this guy will then go on to sort of ‘lad’ about, assuming women will fall at his feet and returning to you whenever he so pleases. He will never explicitly state that he is just in it for sex, or even that he would like sex with a cup of tea and a nice chat after (which, in every case this that happened with, I would have been down for). He will instead lead you to a confusing point where you see him all the time, but are completely disregarded as a human being outside of sexual situations (and most importantly, in front of his friends). He will discuss feminism with you but show you (and women in general) a huge lack of respect. *side – note, this is similar to the traits of ‘faux feminist man’ and ‘Nice Guy™ ’ but slightly different – they will be explained later.*  I realise this might sound like I’m talking about one experience with one person but honestly, I’ve seen and heard about this scenario a million times. Is this what people call a fuckboy? Probably. Either way, if you are one of these guys: get a grip. State your intentions. Surprisingly, the people you're involved with will probably not break down at the fact you don’t get to be their one and only, and will probably just appreciate your honesty, enjoy seeing you casually or say that they’re looking for something more and say bye. Just be a sensible, emotionally mature human because it’s really boring and no ones gonna pat you on the back for it (and if they do they’re as stupid as you). I am 100% going to do a separate blog on faux feminist man (wears the slogan t-shirts, can name one popular White Feminist and becomes deeply offended when you’re not into him when he made the EFFORT to treat women like HUMANS, like god cut him some slack and show your appreciation through some lacklustre sex at least) and Nice Guy™ (most overused phrases: ‘Not all men are like that’, ‘I’m not like that though’ and my all-time FAVE ‘I’m not a feminist, I’m an equalist.’ A MILLION DICKHEAD POINTS TO YOU THEN MATE) because the world needs to be protected from them. Also Nice Guy™ isn’t really gender specific, it’s more a phenomenon that’s risen out of a combination of privilege and apathy towards anyone different from you. Got a bit carried away with the descriptions really but yeah.   My really embarrassing conclusion is this: The few times in my short life that I’ve genuinely been in love have been with flawed, messy human beings just like me and not a weird shiny social media representation that you briefly fall in love with and are inevitably disappointed by. I have no advice for anyone looking for someone to be with other than cliché, vomit inducing ‘love yourself first’ type bullshit. What I realistically mean is:  - Don’t expect one person to solve all your problems. - Don’t confuse love with having an emotional sponge who will absorb your negativity. - Don’t expect the person you’re with to turn you into a better version of yourself (usually at the expense of their wellbeing). - No one likes facing up to their problems and shortcomings but just do it cos it’s awful but you’ll come out the other side feeling more secure in yourself. - MOST importantly, don’t confuse passion and excitement for manipulation and emotional abuse. Went really serious at the end there but seriously it is easy to do and it’s important to watch out for it. Despite this train wreck of a blog post, these days I feel much more ready to let someone in having spent a few years sorting my own shit out.I look forward to the day I find someone who enjoys Louis Theroux documentaries, getting into bed at 5pm and scrolling through memes as much as I do. Part 2 of this blog will be more focused on the difficulty of maintaining honesty/expectations when dating when you’re also dealing with your own mind and body being against you. HAPPY FRIDAY.

[galacticfire]

.