#some hopeful ending after everything i put y'all through after days 4 5 and 6

[vitaminseetarot]

PAC: Random Messages You May Need 🌈🎆⛅

Sup, y'all. I'm finally back for another pick a card reading. I really apologize if folks have not heard from me over the past month, I meant to get this reading (among other things) out a while ago. I have not been able to touch tarot for the past few weeks. Life has been… topsy turvy, to say the least. Heh heh. [sweating profusely]

I meant to have another game out and to have paid readings available by now--that is still part of the plan. What was meant for June will be in July. So this blog might go from 0 to 100 mph real soon, to move along with plans as intended!

I was loosely inspired by the Baker pride flag from 1978 for this group selection. These piles are pretty nondescript: each one contains a random message that may resonate with you. Pick based on whichever color of the Prism Oracle speaks to you most, and feel free to choose more than one. Take only what resonates.

Pile 1 - Strength (Red) Pile 2 - Happiness (Orange) Pile 3 - Illumination (Yellow) Pile 4 - Movement (Green) Pile 5 - Flow (Turquoise) Pile 6 - Trust (Blue) Pile 7 - Intuition (Violet) Pile 8 - Love (Pink)

Pile 1 - Strength (Red)

10 of Swords, Insight

You've been asked by the universe to put up with a lot, especially recently. You're reaching a finish line of a very long and brutal marathon. There have been too many times where you questioned whether or not to throw in the towel. If you have, you may also have questioned whether or not it was the correct choice. Sometimes, things don't work out, and it's better to move on. It can be difficult to hold everything up when one thing after another seems to fall apart at the seams, but either way you're being reminded of the light at the end of this long and turbulent tunnel.

Collect yourself, pick up what pieces you can. Time has shifted everything, but the essentials still stand. Gather the wisdom you have learned from this ordeal. There is still beauty to be found in the decay, glittering gems in the rough.

Maybe you don't want to get stronger. Healing may feel like a better option than grinding for difficult experience points. Give yourself the rest and repair you need. Let go of only that which is keeping you from starting again, but you don't need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. You've gained so much wisdom and strength, this trial wasn't without gain. Treasure it and begin anew.

Pile 2 - Happiness (Orange)

2 of Swords, Clarity

Whatever answers you seek are coming to you. Or perhaps they've already arrived; open your eyes and see for yourself. You may be wondering which path will satisfy you more. The process of reconciling this could take forever unless you lean on your gut here. This can't be decided based on intellect alone, for you could get stuck mulling it over for days. Imagining all the different possible outcomes could be taxing for your brain, so narrow it down. Eliminate the weakest links and home in on what excites you. It should feel like an "aha, yes!"

If you cannot see the answer right away, go within to the realm of imagination. Feel your way through. Visualize not just with sight but with yearning. Does the light of the sun make you feel hopeful? Does the cool rain make you feel relaxed? Would an art class expand your capacity to imagine many things, or would taking a science class?

The X mark in 2 of Swords is like a railroad crossing sign. Redirect that train of thought into brighter and more positive avenues of expression. Say "what if" as if you can't wait for something to happen. "What if I saw a shooting star tonight? What if my cute neighbor asked me out?" Let the future shine its beacon for you. It will all make sense in due time.

Pile 3 - Illumination (Yellow)

Ace of Cups, Reconciliation

Have you been staying up way too late trying to figure everything out? Please give yourself a brain curfew: no problem solving or saving the day after 10 pm! I'm getting that you may tend to ruminate on the same strong emotions. For some I'm getting that there is a crush here. There's inconsistent text messaging. I know it's easy to get too nervous about their reply, but try to wait until at least the next day to hear back. They may need time to formulate their words right. They may not even see your message straight away. Take it all in stride and sleep on it; if they want to reach out to you, then they eventually will.

For others in this pile, you may be going through a rough patch with another person right now and could be wondering how things will pan out. Give them time to respond, they could still be processing it. Stay on the more positive end of things with the idea that things will work themselves out. I feel like if you can manage this in a relaxed and non hurried way, the knot will untangle easily. The coffee in the Ace of Cups is very hot, so give it a chance to cool.

There is opportunity in your near future to make up for something that went awry due to a miscommunication error. You may get a chance to make up for a test, appointment, or an interview. You will receive grace for any mishaps. Remember that tomorrow won't necessarily be the same as today, so cherish both the good you have now along with the good that soon awaits you.

Pile 4 - Movement (Green)

IX Hermit, Devotion

Looks like things are progressing faster than you even thought they would. You may be blinking your eyes in partial disbelief: could this ball really be rolling? Indeed, thanks to your efforts, goals are being met and results are more evident by the day. You eschewed a lot of distractions to make this work, so give yourself a pat on the back for the level of commitment you put into it. Some of you in this pile may have just graduated, if so then congratulations! But try not to get too comfortable with your laurels, for you have a long road ahead of you in whatever you do next. This one completion is the start of many.

Does that thrill you? If so, wonderful! On the other hand, some of you may be feeling uncertain about continuing. You may be reviewing your options to see if this really is worth pursuing. Something that requires a lot of dedication and focus on it to the exclusion of all else… yeah, I can see how that can get tiring after a long time. There are folks who can get their Master's right after their Bachelor's, or have another child right after the first, but people can also happily move on to what feels more right for them instead.

It's okay to stop and assess your tracks if necessary. Taking time off is not the same as quitting. It's not losing motivation, it's recovering it. This is your passion and your discipline, not anyone else's. If you need to give other parts of your life more room to breathe, then do so with the confidence that your great work will wait for you.

Pile 5 - Flow (Turquoise)

4 of Wands, Hospitality

Have you been stuck with something for a while? There's a strong sense of a blockage that is being eroded away over time. This process can be sped up by allowing the ice to thaw a little more. "Break the ice." You may be wanting to open up and spend more quality time with other people but don't know how. Or you could be faced with meeting new people and being nervous about interacting with them. Even more so if they're roommates. A few people in this pile could be moving or have just moved. This is a chance to ease up and get to know new people.

This blockage could be a result of the past and of anxiety. The sound of a turning doorknob just jumpscared me as I typed the last sentence. You may benefit from learning about social anxiety and how to manage it. It's not an overnight job for you to fix this, though, but to just be aware of it and not allow it to get in the way of positive change in your life.

If you're struggling to figure out how to deal with meeting new people, I would suggest looking up videos or how-tos on social interaction, especially if a certain etiquette is required for an event. Learn about conversation starters and fun things you could do together like hosting a game night. Practice makes perfect, and over time the blockage will melt into the stream.

Pile 6 - Trust (Blue)

3 of Swords, Conversion

You have a very soft and tender outlook on life, which makes it all the more painful when reality doesn't conform to such a compassionate vision. It doesn't always try to respond to vulnerability in appropriate ways. Much of the time, this isn't from natural events as much as it stems from the ways in which people can treat one another cruelly. You've had some toxic people in your life who have put you through the wringer and attempted to squeeze every ounce of kindness they could from you. Making light of this pain to them only resulted in further deflection and antagonism on their part. The only outcome was to salvage whatever you could and pray for the best.

It is not your job to change their closed minded perspectives. They're on their own, here. Do not concern yourself with their messy inner world and lose any more of your energy. Also, do not attempt to regain what energy has been lost through bargaining either, as much as it hurts to press onward without looking back. You will recover, but you have to move on first and prioritize what you deeply care about most (you included).

There will come a time when your heart will be healed so you can see the brighter side of human connection again. All the beauty that your gentle soul is seeking is still there, shrouded by layers of protective petals that will one day bloom again and your life will truly flourish. For now, this is a time to give yourself all the comfort you can.

Pile 7 - Intuition (Violet)

XII Hanged Man, Spring

I get the feeling that you've been waiting quite a while for some good results to come in. This could either be from something that you started back in the spring, or are waiting to see results which may come around springtime. It is a season of flowers, so you may be waiting for this thing to blossom--that is, to be fully presentable to the public in some way. To have something to show for the time you put in. Like "hey, this is what I've been working on, this came from the seeds I planted." It could be growing in a direction unlike what you're used to, leaving you wondering how it could succeed in such unusual and burdensome conditions.

Lean on your inner guidance when it comes to the right timing. I don't believe that you're currently in a space where you need to push so hard for the best results. You can let things move at their own pace. Over tending to anything can end up in just as much trouble as neglect. There's only so much you can do before you have to let the flower do the growing and blooming for itself.

It's not always easy to sit in the place of uncertainty with the idea that doing more will provide more. But sometimes less is more. What you're creating is coming to fruition and may even turn out better than you expected. Trust in both the knowledge you've earned over time from learning lessons, as well as your natural intuition, to help you decide when it's time to take action.

Pile 8 - Love (Pink)

7 of Swords, Gossip

Let your heart lead the way here, not your worries over what others will think. Sure, you may end up with some people talking about you, but opportunities will keep passing by if you wait for everyone else to catch up to you. Leaning too much on everyone else's perspectives will only distort the vision you have for your own life journey. We all have unique journeys to go on, but unconditional kindness remains at the center of the Love card, the one thing that brings us together. Following life from a heart centered place may result in having others glance over and whisper, but that shouldn't distract you.

There is a rather delicate message here about dealing with friendships, colleagues, or possibly even family. You may have a tricky situation between several other people right now who have beef not with you but with each other. They may be coming to you to air their grievances and ask for advice.

If you care about both of these people, then it's best to approach this issue as diplomatically and impartially as possible and avoid feeding into the conflict. What would an enlightened mindset do in this situation? How would you want the other person to behave if they were in your shoes? Come from a place of pure compassion. They may choose to make amends or not, it's up to them. If their butting heads is bringing you down, it's always okay to step back and take a break. You are not responsible for what's going on in their heart, only your own, so protect yours well.

This reading has not been evaluated by the FDA to diagnose, prevent, treat, or cure any disease or infection. Please ask your physician before going online.

2024, @VitaminseeTarot ™

[sardonic-sprite]

I'm Back!

Wow, so Lent is over now, so my tumblr fast is also over and I'm still a little in shock, lol. I had hoped the past six weeks? I don't know, Time is weird, would be more productive but at least I got SOME stuff written/posted. Anyway, I have one more month of school and then fucking FINALS so expect sporadic updates at idiot-o-clock hours of the night, and maybe yell at me to sleep, eat, study, or drink water whenever i do post 😅

I am up to SO EFFING MANY wips rn on so many different fronts you guys have no freaking idea 😭 so here's a status report for EVERYTHING on or going on sardonic_sprite. (Its gonna be a monster post, y'all, bear with me)

in absolutely no particular order:

Wayne4Ham: We have a LONG way to go with this one, so just be patient and I'll slowly but steadily plug on through. Aaron Burr, Sir, should theoretically take me no longer than end of april

Wayne-Crazy: there's like 4 specific requests on it, plus a few 'series' i started, but after those, say 6-7, i'll probably mark as complete and only re-open if someone offers me an idea

Batman Beginners: i'll tell y'all up front, this one will take me forever. i don't even know what all I intend to cover, but know that i'm halfway done with the DITF arc, and it'll probably come out in the next two months

Just A Kid: this was my shits-and-giggles fic that got like 3000 notes in a weekend lmao. it's something i do intend to continue bc its so fun and i enjoy the concepts in it, but i don't have plans to actively write more of it in the immediate future.

Rev Wayne: just gave y'all Jason's fic, so the next probably won't come until late in summer, extrapolating from my few data points. if anyone has ideas for timmy's intro, let me know, i'd love some inspiration

Celeb Batwaynes: reported separate from wayne-crazy for reasons. i think theres like 12 specific requests plus 2 ideas of my own. i may put out a poll for the next one to write, but not until after school's out, because these fics are HUGE time-eaters for me. speaking of, are non-tumblr-users able to vote on polls?

Welcome to Gotham U: this was again, me doing shit bc why not. will probably add more in the style that i first posted, but i doubt i will write any prose for it. if you would like to give it a try, please reach out, i'd love to see what you write!

One Diamond: every time i touch this i make the cliffhanger worse lmao. i finally do have a direction, but execution is gonna have to wait a while.

The Young, Innocent, and Righteous: this is mostly just for me anyway, but i'm just gonna say that i'm waiting until i finish watching miraculous season 5 before i go any further

AS you wish: i have 5 more requests to do and i am so sorry to everyone waiting you do not deserve this lmao. i promise im trying, i love your ideas, it just takes me a really long time to fill in the rest and then actually write it. the next one on my list is particularly hard to pin down and so it's halting the ones behind it to. if not before, then after finals i will sit and bang my head on the keyboard until something good comes out

Light Isn't Fadin': soooooo many people have asked me about this one oof. SOMEDAY, i swear. right now its a huge, nebulous, hulking monster and im sorry it's just not happening yet.

A christmas carol: wait until december. please

Father's Day: june.

A Little Problem: over the summer, i will watch marvel movies until they once again hijack my brain and fuel this to completion. maybe.

easter eggs: how the fuck did i forget this lmao. i'm doing as much as i can in april, but when the month is done, i'm sorry, we'll all be waiting until next lenten season. hopefully it won't come to that.

aaaaand i THINK that's finally it. there's also a bunch of random paragraphs in word and google docs that may appear, not to mention ideas that kidnap me in dark alleys. but i also have like a good half dozen other wips for other places that im trying to attend to, so please be forgiving if it seems like its taking a while to post something as sprite.

as always, i love questions, comments, concerns, even some complaints, so feel free to interact.

See ya when I see ya!

sprite

[vampiresuns]

A Little Closer To The Edge | Asra x Milenko

☽ A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE EDGE ☽

2.1k words. Written for Asra Week 2021, Day 7: Free Day. In which Asra asks Aisha to teach him how to hold a man like thirst holds water. This is set after the events of the game. Milenko is not the apprentice.

You can read the entire Asra and Milenko’s pre-game canon, ‘Like Thirst Holds Water’, here.

As a note, ‘Sasi’ is one of Milenko’s nicknames. It comes from his middle name, Sisay. ‘Sisay’ means good omen in Amhraic.

Thank you @lisa-frank-cave​ my beloved for helping me come up with asratfits. No cws apply. Happy Birthday, Asra 🎂💜

O father, O foreshadow, press into her — as the field shreds itself with cricket cries. Show me how ruin makes a home out of  hip bones. O mother, O minutehand, teach me how to hold a man the way thirst holds water. Let every river envy our mouths. Let every kiss hit the body like a season.

— Ocean Vuong, “A Little Closer To The Edge”

Asra had to excuse himself from his own birthday party, needing a moment alone after realising everyone who mattered to him was there, laughing and sharing beverages and stories of their own, talking about nothing of importance, but sharing a good time nonetheless. 

It was his first birthday after the Devil had been stopped and the end of the world averted, the first birthday he could spend with his parents after a long, long time. There was Selasi and Muriel, free and happy, finding his own footing again; there was Amparo who had kissed his cheek when she wished him a happy birthday, there was Nadia and Portia, old friends recovered and new friends made. There was Anatole, his beloved friend, who had danced with him, spinning him in circles, and now insisted on sharing his chair with Ilya, even though there were chairs to spare. 

And there was Milenko. Beautiful, joyful Milenko with his smile and the freckles on his cheeks, like the night-sky itself had blessed him with kisses. 

When Aisha found him, he immediately began crying, throwing his arms around his mother in search of comfort. All had passed, all was forgiven, and none of them had to be alone again. More importantly, he didn’t have to be alone again.

He thanked his mama for the hug, as Aisha kissed his head and reminded him of the blessing that he was, and the many blessings he deserved. 

“And you will have them, insha’Allah, Habibti,” Aisha said before they joined the dinner party again, asking Asra to lean his head down so she could kiss it again.

It was early dinner, they would later go to the theatre, Amparo had a performance and she was able to snatch good seats for Asra’s birthday, attributing it to her endless charm. When the time approached, some of them left with Amparo who had to be there earlier, while Nana, Ilya and Milenko stayed back to help clean around.

Asra didn’t know what it was, but Milenko looked radiant. His curls bounced when he laughed; a pair of crescent moon pendant earrings, gold pleated with blue topaz tears hanging from the bottom of the moon dangled from his ears. He was wearing black high waisted pants, a textured belt marking his waist. Right now, as he washed dishes with Julian and Salim as they chatted, he had pulled up the sleeves of his white, unbuttoned poet shirt. Milenko mentioned being interfaith, and his father began talking to him about it, Julian happily chiming in.

Asra noticed Milenko still washed the dishes with his hip popped to one side, and his backside sticking out.

When he came in, he had been wearing a navy blue jacket with clean lines and golden buttons that reached the beginning of his hips, too. Being 31 looked good on him, and either Asra had never stopped being in love with Milenko, or he was falling in love all over again. 

The poet changed his weight from one hip to another. Asra was going to go insane. 

“Oh, I think I know that look,” Aisha said, snapping Asra out of it. 

His cheeks went cherry red as he tried to divert the topic. Anatole, leaning against an archway with a mischievous turn in his lips, was about to say something but Asra stopped him before he could. His friend threw his hands up in surrender; Aisha, thankfully, didn’t say anything else but Asra knew his mother would bring it back sooner or later. 

Aisha laughed with Asra’s relieved face. Salim turned to her, and with him, Milenko did too, smiling at Asra once his chestnut eyes found his purple ones. Asra was doomed. 

He was right about Milenko being brought up later, but it was Salim the one who brought him up first.

“He speaks very highly of you,” he said, as he and Aisha wished Asra a good night. 

Asra’s choked up: “He does?!” didn’t go unnoticed. However, he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about Milenko. While Asra had found a new sense of comfort in openly confiding in his parents about most things that went through his mind or his heart, everything was too muddled for him to even know what to say. So he promised he’d tell them more about it when he knew what to tell them, and they let it go for the time being. 

To the chagrin of Asra’s sanity, the world wasn’t done throwing Milenko his way.

Running into Milenko once or twice a month wasn’t odd for Asra, but the more time passed, the more it seemed those chances grew. Asra was now running into him even twice per week, sometimes more. It was so much, he had discovered missing him on the weeks they didn’t run into each other, Asra turning at every possibility, perking up whenever he felt like he saw Milenko around.

On top of that, Aisha and Salim had taken kinship to Anatole’s parents —his father in particular. The three of them shared alchemy as a passion and profession. Anatole’s father, Vlad, still refused to become a palace magician, even if he liked Nadia much more than he ever liked Lucio. Still, he was always happy to stop around to see his son and meet up with his new friends, the three of them, along with Anatole’s mother, going out to dinner together rather often.

Asra knew all the Radošević-Cassano, so he needn’t be reminded Vlad was very close to his Radošević cousins: Violeta and Atanasie — Milenko’s mother and uncle. He choked on his drink when his parents told him they were just having dinner at Violeta’s and Aurora’s place. 

“Milenko asked if you would join us,” Aisha said, tapping her index on her lips. “He seemed a little crestfallen when we said you wouldn’t. Perhaps you should come with us next time.”

The Milenko conversation, or rather, confession, didn’t come out of Asra until some months later. One warm but breezy evening Asra and his parents were having dinner in The Sphinx Coffee-house. Milenko had come down through the backroom, for once not wearing a shirt that made him flash his tits out to half of Vesuvia. What he was wearing was simple, but he looked handsome and elegant: a black, high neck shirt, black pants, and a shawl with embroidered constellations over his shoulder. 

Amador, the Dos Santos sibling who was running the Sphinx that night, greeted him cheerfully, the Alnazars being close enough to hear, but not close enough for Milenko to see them yet.

“Hello, doll-face, how’d your date go?” 

Milenko’s underwhelmed reply made Asra feel like he could breathe again. Both of his parents noticed, just like they noticed the way both of them startled when Milenko noticed their presence. He ended up excusing himself, claiming he was being waited on in the Community Theatre. 

After that Asra couldn’t hold it in much longer. A day or two afterwards, he was basking in the sun with his mother when he sat up, and without any contextualisation he just said: “How do you do it, mama? How do you keep someone you love close, when you think you have lost them but maybe you haven’t?” 

Aisha looked at him, sensing her child was not done talking.

“You’ve been with Dad for so long, how do you do it: how do you make home out of ruins, how do you hold someone like thirst holds water?”

Aisha sat up, taking Asra’s hand in hers. “I didn’t know you were good with poetry, habibti.”

“I’m not,” he sighed.

“But your Milenko is, isn’t he?”

Asra’s smile was sad and lovelorn. “He is, mama, he really is.”

This time, Asra told Aisha everything, and when Salim came back from getting bread at Selasi’s, he patiently listened to Asra too. They both offered the advice that they could, but mostly let Asra say everything he was holding in, reminding him he didn’t have to keep these things to himself anymore, that he could confide in people. 

Once Asra was done talking he felt relieved. The best advice his parents could give him was that he tried. If he was honest about his feelings and communicated them like he had just done, he might realise that not everything was quite as it seemed. Perhaps he could start little by little, trying to spend time with him again. He had come so far, and he was such a wonderful person to know, that the worst thing he could do was not give himself the chance. 

They both said that it was clear Milenko cared about him too, more than Asra noticed. 

“You don’t have to take it from us,” Aisha said, squeezing his hand again. “What would your friends say? What would your Anatole tell you? Or Muriel?”

Asra laughed. “Muriel would either tell me to just do it or roll his eyes at me. Anatole would convince me to be more brave and hopeful than I ever thought it was possible being.”

Salim kissed Asra’s forehead. “Then try, you are very deserving of hope.”

His parents were invited to Aurora’s and Violeta’s in two more days, and they offered Asra to come with them: maybe Milenko would be there, and he would have a chance to at least talk to him, though Asra had insisted he did talk to Milenko, in general at least, so they shouldn’t worry too much. 

Salim hummed. “I didn’t know you had talked all that is capable of being talked to him already.”

“Dad.”

When the day came, Asra dressed as nicely as he could think of, without being obvious. He wanted to look and feel pretty, even if he was trying not to get his hopes up. It was hard not to, however. Hope was contagious. 

Milenko wasn’t around, even if Aurora and Violeta were thrilled to have Asra around for dinner again. They eagerly shared stories about Asra from the past. He tried not to feel disappointed Milenko wasn’t there, or mortified about the stories. He understood they shared them as mothers, subtly encouraging him to make his parents partake in the memories he had once made in their home. 

After dinner, Violeta insisted on showing Asra her garden for old time’s sake, taking his hand as she walked into it, guiding him through the paths of the small space, and the two micro greenhouses she kept there. One housed venomous plants only, her speciality; the other, orchids. 

Violeta turned to Asra. “How are your orchids, darling?” Asra had never told her he grew orchids, and while he wanted to suspect his parents might have told her, the way she spoke reminded him of Milenko. No, Violeta didn’t need to be told to know he did — Milenko got his clairvoyance from her after all.

“I’ve never asked,” Salim said, walking a little behind Asra and Violeta. Aisha was talking to Aurora about her latest restoration commission. “Did you teach Asra to grow orchids?” 

Violeta blinked at him. “I’m afraid not.” 

Asra rubbed the back of his neck, nervous. “If she had, I’m sure they’d grow better. I learnt from books, on my own.” 

“I can give you a couple of tips, my son is a patient man.” 

Aisha caught up with them, Asra wanted the earth to swallow him and spit him far away from there. “How romantic of you, and here I was thinking you were helpless.” 

Aurora snorted. “Don’t worry: he may have a poet’s tongue, but on the inside, Sasi is no better.” 

He didn’t see Milenko at all that night, not that Asra considered the evening unfruitful because he didn’t. He had come out of it with Violeta’s instructions for tending to orchids and he planned to apply them to the best of his capacity. 

* * * * *

Milenko was writing in the little office he had in the periodical he wrote for, though office might have been an over-glorified word for a table that was in the corner, overflowing with papers, next to a window filtering sunlight in. 

He heard his editor tell him he had a visitor, and Milenko, still half entranced by the sound of pouring water from the enchanted vases on his desk, just gave him a half-hearted hum, accompanied by an absent sounding plea to give him just a minute longer. 

Asra stood there for more than a minute, but he didn’t care. There was too much adrenaline in his veins for him to care. Nerves piled up on the mouth of his stomach but he stood his ground, watching as Milenkos curls moved softly as he wrote, his ink stained hands carefully avoiding the places the ink had not yet dried. He had seen him do this so many times, acting like an automaton as the water filtered everything that wasn’t the words and the visions outside of his sphere. 

Milenko finally looked up, mouth agape as Asra licked his lips and gave him a nervous smile, a blush expanding from his cheeks to his ears. 

“Hi,” was Mielnko’s bewildered reply as he looked at Asra, standing in front of his desk, a rainbow shawl with tiny bells on the hem over his shoulders, a raspberry shirt and deep purple palazzo pants, as he held a flower arrangement with no less than seven orchid stems, blooming into multiple flowers each. 

“I grew them myself,” Asra explained, not needing to tell Milenko who they were for.

“They’re— they’re my favourite flower.”

“I know. That’s why I grow them.”

[fanficmemes]

Hey guys!!! Thanks to our lovely anon/blog historian, Soupy, we now have a recorded history!! Blog lore, my beloved. I'll try and start adding in our new things too, but to any newbies out there, come take a look :):):):)

About the lore for this blog, i cannot remember everything, but i can do something about the cursed asks lore and history, since i just scrolled all the posts in the tags!

31 Jan 2021: an anonymous send an ask asking what people actually mean when they tell a ship if "pedophilic". This start a big number of asks about real survivor and how fucked up is fandom water down the word, purity culture, and consequently story time about harassing people in fandom for purity culture.

1 Feb 2021: someone speak about how much fucked up fics helped them. This probably opened the possibility of cursed asks. The same day, someone other send an ask about a terrible person known for harassing people about the sexuality of a character. The person is called "train fucker".

2 Feb 2021: anonymous point the attention on the train fucking thing. The cursed ask tag is created.

In the following hours, always in the cursed ask tag, people discover the fandom was Death Note and the guy was apparently in real attracted to trains and planes. Hell break down, memes are created.

History is made.

One of the characters will later become protagonists of the tag already existed. PKD already was knew since the 22 Jan 2021, when they sent an ask about the color asks and you had the intuition the tags he was probably someone with a piss kink and the tag "chronicles of piss" was created.

Cursed ask history part 2:

At this moment on time,the tags is still not clearly used. One of the First post tagged as such, the 9th Feb, is an anon answering to the ear fucking conversation about micropenis, while all the other posts are not tagged. The day after PKD enter the cursed asks tag, while the others ask still stay out of it. People start sending the stories they read.

12 Feb Hagrid/Hedwig fics are discovered. Owl fucking anon appear. Someone suggest a friendship between them and mlp guy.

Also mlp pony guy is a lore being who did not appear before in the #cursed asks, but already had their history in the simpler ask tag and in the previous cancel scale period, that we could call the ancestor of #cursed ask.

The First post tagged as cancel scale is from the 2nd Jan 2021. It was an anon answering your post of the same day "alright guys scale 1-10 how screwed r u if it ao3 history and bookmarks get released".

This is the gold era of this blog lore. The philanthropist, wound fucking discourse, rpf bdsm and mlp guy (with the first ask behind paywall) appeared during the first month and a half of the year, mixing at the end with the cursed ask tag.

Cursed ask history part 2:

At this moment on time,the tags is still not clearly used. One of the First post tagged as such, the 9th Feb, is an anon answering to the ear fucking conversation about micropenis, while all the other posts are not tagged. The day after PKD enter the cursed asks tag, while the others ask still stay out of it. People start sending the stories they read.

12 Feb Hagrid/Hedwig fics are discovered. Owl fucking anon appear. Someone suggest a friendship between them and mlp guy.

Also mlp pony guy is a lore being who did not appear before in the #cursed asks, but already had their history in the simpler ask tag and in the previous cancel scale period, that we could call the ancestor of #cursed ask.

The First post tagged as cancel scale is from the 2nd Jan 2021. It was an anon answering your post of the same day "alright guys scale 1-10 how screwed r u if it ao3 history and bookmarks get released".

This is the gold era of this blog lore. The philanthropist, wound fucking discourse, rpf bdsm and mlp guy (with the first ask behind paywall) appeared during the first month and a half of the year, mixing at the end with the cursed ask tag.

Cursed ask history part 3:

The philanthropist appeared the same day #the cancel scale started. With their iconic "i am a shameless philanthropist and so my bookmarks are public. I eat dead doves for breakfast. Come on down to the buffet y'all! You want some wound fucking? 8-yr-old omega abortion? I got you fam, watch me scramble these eggs" they left a forever sign in this blog. Still to this days asks are written to know if they are good. They obtained a 12/10 in the cancel scale.

Wound fucking discourse started, also the same day, by CB answering "is that where the wound fucking comes in??" At a ask about vivisection and medical experimentation. Discourse about what classify as a wound and how it works continued trought the day.

Rpf bdsm is thought to have beat the philanthropist with their mix of rape, underage, incest in a foursome, huge age, rpf tentacles and, mostly, someone getting turned into a pickle and his partner fucking himself with it.

This also started a string of asks about people being transformed in object used for sex.

Rpf bdsm would appear again later that day to specify the pickle fic was a rpf.

Cursed ask history part 4 (i think? Already lost the count)

Mlp guy. The one and only. Always in the terrible 2 Jan 2021, they first appeared in the tags of an answer to a marvel ask. #Hey HEY mlp guy #u know who u r #i'm afraid to look at this ask #like yeah we saw some shit tonight but this blows that outta the fuckin WATER #y'all would dead ass have to pay me to post it

Someone noticed the tags and asked about it, and a strong sexual tension between everyone and the unpublished mlp ask started. Someone ended up paying, cause the ask was later published as last post of the day and terrorized every follower of the blog. It was published as screenshot of the ask, and is not even put in the #cancel scale.

MLP guy stayed so in the apex of the cursed asks for some months, till the Pokémon ask by soupy was published the 9th may 2021, taking home a 15/10. MLP guy made a Tumblr profile, @therealmlpguy, in retiliation, and reblogged answering with a new terribly cursed fic. CB have still not voted it, so who have the worst cursed ask is still in question.

The day of #cancel scale the blog fanficmemes lost many followers, but the story was, as we know, not finished.

Cursed ask history part 5

I like to stay an half cryptid of this blog, so i will not tell my blog of origin, but i can tell you I am Soupy. Also i need to know if i am actually considered a cryptic of the blog and if i need to make a lore post about myself XD.

This is starting to get hard cause i cannot reread what i already sent, but the end of the tunnel is near.

We already told about owl fucking anon in the cursed ask tag, but their story is a bit more longer. The cursed ask was actually their big return, and they are probably one of the most proficious lore making, having also a part in the creation of the PKD legend. They should really have their own tag.

How? Well.

The 17 Jan 2021, when the big part of the cancel scale was done and the elders of the lore created, they sent an anon ask about what the cancel scale made them remember. It was a fic, red when they were ten or eleven, about someone fucking an owl while the owl was on their period. Consensual, and apparently the authors were two teen girl who write only character x owl. Their mom proofread. CB answered with their profile picture, edited so that it red "i can't believe it's gotten even worse!" Instead of "i can't believe it's not canon".

This post created, if we want to say, PKD, cause their first ask, that assigned them piss kink, was yes about the color asks (that, in case someone does not remember, was CB asking what colors people assigned to them), but had as explanation "if you keep posting stuff like the owl period whatever". So the owl fucking anon indirectly created, the 22 Jan 2021, PKD.

Owl fucking anon continued their ascension to lore of the blog.

The 12th Feb 2021 sent an ask were they were surprised someone had found Hagrid x Hedwing fics, and than sent anther 9 parts ask about the story of how they red lot of cursed shits thanks to an old tumblr blog that had the links, and how from there they found an author who only published Hagrid x Hedwing, and how that introduced them to FF smut.

(it is also discovered they are only 15, baby, please, i am noone to talk with the shits i red at the time but i hope you are ok).

They are now consacrated in the memory of the blog.

Cursed ask history part 6

Before continuing with the history of the cursed asks, is now time to finally give a small talk about PKD. We know how they originated, but how they become so famous?

Probably is the fact they appeared so many time during the last months. Being it for cancel scale, cursed asks or just normal asks, they continue to give us company with their exploration of piss kink fic. Is true they soundly negate having the kink the first months, but after lot of memes and people speaking about it, the 25 Apr 2021 they finally admitted of having the kink,and discovered it reading an a/b/o Captain America fic.

I would suggest to read all the posts, but they stopped being tagged halfway through, so is half in the specific #chronicles of piss and half in the #cursed ask

Cursed ask history part 7

The big lore is finished, and now only the later history stay.

#cancel scale posts and #cursed asks post lived side by side for some days. The owl fucking one of the 12 Feb was actually the last cursed fic published in the cancel scale post, leaving the tag only for some history reference later.

#cursed asks saw the appearence of every type of cursed possible to thought, with scat and nipple fucking between the different tags. At the start there was no specific day chosen, but later, for CB schedule reasons, Saturday was assigned as cursed ask day, and some week later it was moved to Sunday.

And here we are, today, to see what other cursed things we will bring in this world

Cursed fic History part 8

The cursed fic History have been covered, but i still think is important to talk about some of the before time tags that created the good ecosystem for the creation of #cursed ask.

The most famous is #the lube discussion.

It started the 23 Aug 2020, when CB wrote a post about FF using the word "supple" in smut without the thing being actually supple. In the tag, they added #also #that does Not work as lube.

Some anon asked what was being used as lube, that was answered with "one was peanut butter. I will not discuss the other". This started the bug lube discussion, were everyone talked about what they continingly see used as lube when it cannot be used as lube.

Between the classics soap and blood, we see some more daring one as mud, yogurt, aloe vera, years, milk, hot sauce and the more intersting, cannoli (have no idea if they are talking about the cream you put in cannoli or some american thing i don't know).

Nothing reached cursed material, but it put the first seed for the blog.

[walviemort]

more of you to love, 6

Summary: It had taken Emma by surprise, how much she liked it. She wasn’t about to admit it to anyone, of course, but there had just been something so incredibly irresistible about Killian when he was 8 months pregnant. And, as it turned out, he was quite the fan of her gravid form as well. So with the help of a glamour spell, they both get to live out their fantasies, but without all the trouble of getting pregnant and having a kid.

In this chapter: A silly fight ends with Killian sporting a twin-sized bump. What starts as a punishment ends up as pleasure—for both of them.

1.9k words | Rated M | part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | AO3

A/N: Well, it's only been...a year and a half! Woops! But I have another chapter for y'all--and a couple more soon to come! (hehe, come.) Hope you like it!

It was a dumb fight—one of those instances where both Emma and Killian were in bad moods for some other reason and brought it home. One of those days where everything was setting Emma off and no amount of caffeine could fix it.

They’d gone home for lunch after a rough morning shift at the station, but it had been a crazy few days and were consequently out of cheese. And bread. And all she wanted was a goddamned grilled cheese sandwich. 

And Killian might have snapped at her impatience with the situation. (Okay, maybe they were both hangry.)

Regardless, she was done. She stepped up to him, put her hand against his stomach, let her magic flow for a bit, and then left to head to Granny’s. Alone. 

He could figure out how to deal with the bump she’d given him on his own.

----------------------------------------

Killian barely got a chance to protest before Emma was out the door. She hadn’t even given herself the pleasure of watching his stomach swell under her touch; that was usually her favorite part, but she’d kept her eyes angrily locked on his the entire time, only vaguely aware of the buttons popping off his shirt at the quick and sudden surge in his midsection, until she’d apparently decided enough was enough and hightailed it out of there.

He sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter. He was exhausted and hungry from the long morning they’d had, too, but he should have known better than to try to push her when she was in a similar state. 

His stomach grumbled and he rubbed it, tracing the curve he hadn’t planned on dealing with today. It was well past a full-term bump—probably twin-sized, if he had to guess—and had pushed right through both his top and the fastener on his jeans, which were definitely straining at the additional weight he was suddenly carrying. (There was a reason they usually did this with as few clothes involved as possible.)

At least he was home alone; Hope was still at daycare, and Snow and David knew better than to show up unannounced by this point. So he shuffled off the ruined jeans and let his shirt hang at his sides while he scrounged up some lunch.

However, it was a bit of a chilly day, as evidenced by the gooseflesh covering his now-prominent belly. So he wandered upstairs to try to find something—anything—that might cover him up; surely his trusty sweatpants were easy to access (he didn’t trust his ability to pick anything up off the floor at the moment).

Alas—they were at the bottom of the hamper, mocking him, which he only discovered after making the arduous trek up the stairs. Though, by that point, he’d broken a bit of a sweat, so he cast aside his top as well, and then took a seat on the edge of their bed.

They had a full-length mirror propped against the wall, just across from where he sat. He took the opportunity to take a good long look at himself at the moment. While most would consider it unnatural, he had to say—it was a rather impressive bump, and he looked quite handsome bearing it. 

At least, he knew Emma would find it attractive, and that was the only opinion he really cared about (aside from his own, of course). The things she’d done to him in this state...and the things he’d do to her...just imagining it had him half hard.

And, after a brief moment of experimentation, he found he could still reach around the bump to where his arousal was making its presence known.

Well. If Emma was going to stick him with this, then the least he could do was show her what she was missing—right?

----------------------------------------

Satisfied and sated, Emma left Granny’s to head back to the station. She’d probably shot herself in the foot by sticking Killian with that bump and leaving, but...he’d manage. (And maybe they could have some fun with it later.)

She was settled back into her desk with some paperwork when she took a break to poke around on her phone—and to at least send an “I’m Sorry” text. But she’d no sooner unlocked it when it buzzed; it was Killian.

Actually, it was all of Killian: she’d at first thought he was beating her to the punch on the apology, but it was a picture of him, topless, hook resting on the top of his bump. What a bump, too—she hadn’t really been thinking what size to make it, just that she wanted to inconvenience him. She’d definitely done that, and then some; it took up most of his lap and rested between his spread legs. 

She squirmed a bit in her seat; she always loved seeing him so round with child, even if it wasn’t real. Actually, it was a live photo; she let it play, showing the way he was slowly caressing the full expanse of his so-round belly. God, if he only knew what that did to her.

Another photo quickly followed; this time a mirror selfie, showing off all his curves—as well as the fact that he was only wearing his underwear. (Probably her fault for forcing the transformation when he was fully clothed.) But—oh man. Those boxer briefs left nothing to the imagination—especially not the tent caused by his erection.

That jerk; he knew what he was doing. She should probably put the phone away and get some work done...but she didn’t have enough self restraint.

This being Storybrooke, however, she didn’t dare go too far, and had to settle with some unsatisfying over-the-pants self love—better than nothing, though, until she was able to justify heading home. 

She was staring at her screen, hoping for more, but it was agonizingly quiet on his end after that. Fucking tease. So she went back to work, while starting a mental tally of all the things she wanted to do to him later. 

She’d just dug into finishing a report when her phone buzzed again, making her jump—it probably hadn’t been a great idea to stick it between her legs. Anyways, she looked, only to find another picture—from inside the shower, suds covering his curvaceous form. And just like that, she was keyed up again. 

A moment later, he sent another, this time from the bed again—and this one left nothing to the imagination. She wasn’t even sure how he took it, but it was just a shot of his undercarriage—the bottom of his bump and his perfect cock, which he had in hand and—oh god, it was another live photo; he was stroking it. 

She let the image play over and over, pressing herself harder against the hand that had once again worked its way to her lap, but with each mesmerizing motion, it just brought her closer and closer to the point of no return. 

Fuck it. She was done. 

One wave of her previously occupied hand locked the station, and with another, she was transported to their bedroom, where Killian was waiting in much the same position as in the picture—propped up with his left arm, his right hand under that generous belly. 

“I wondered how long that would take,” he quipped, smirking, then traced the curve of his stomach slowly. 

She didn’t bother to respond; she just poofed away her clothes and pounced, jumping onto the bed and into his lap. Though she didn’t quite account for just how much bump was between them, and ended up slamming into him with enough force to knock him back on the mattress.

“Shit, sorry,” she quickly apologized, but he was just chuckling. 

“I’m just glad you made an enthusiastic return,” he laughed. “Though I’d hoped to remain vaguely upright a little bit longer.”

He propped his upper body up on his elbows, but she knew he couldn’t do much more than that with the current state of his midsection and the way she was straddling his thighs. But she wasn’t going to say she was sorry for that, especially when she knew he wasn’t complaining.

She did her own exploration of his belly, caressing it with her hands; he groaned and let his head fall back at her ministrations. “How can I react in any other way when you’re looking just so delectable?” she murmured, enjoying the way he gasped when her fingers found their way to his sensitive nipples.

Then she traced a line across his stomach, following the path of his treasure trail like a latitude line on the globe that was his belly, smiling as she tickled his popped navel (and his ensuing squirms), continuing down until she had his length in her grip and gave it a long, firm stroke.

She could have easily made him come undone with just her hand, or her mouth, but he had teased her—turnabout was fair play. She pulled until he was close to the edge, and then eased off.

“Swan,” he whined in a breathy voice, but any further complaints were silenced when she sank down onto his cock.

For a moment, she lingered, just enjoying the feel of him inside her and the heat of his belly as she leaned against it with her own upper body. God, it felt divine.

But then he twitched underneath her—all he could do, really—and she took that as her sign to move. Honestly, it wouldn’t take long to get herself off, she knew, especially with the way his stomach brushed against her core as she rose on her knees and then pressed back down. So she moved slow—she wanted to make this last.

When they first started experimenting with this spell, she worried she’d hurt him with the way she pressed her hands against the bump for leverage—it had been something she was always concerned with when he was actually pregnant, so he was usually on top then. But he’d told her a while ago that it wasn’t painful—quite the opposite, really—so she planted her hands on either side of the apex of his belly, each gasp and groan he let out at the pressure only spurring her on.

Despite her attempts to drag it out, she was nearing her climax sooner than expected, and it was obvious that Killian was barely holding on, with his panting breath and the stutter of his hips below her.

“Please tell me you’re close,” he begged.

“Uh-huh,” she assured; “al—most—there!” she gasped as she came, finally finding the release she’d been after since he sent that first picture. Hardly a moment later, he was pulsing underneath her as he reached his own overdue orgasm.

She gladly rode the wave of bliss with him, their own bit of afternoon delight, and was hesitant to get off him despite the need to clean up. Reluctantly, she did, though, and settled alongside him on the mattress. She may have wrapped her legs around one of his, though, pressing her still-aching core against his thigh while her hand couldn’t stay away from the bump.

“Is that what you were expecting when you sent me those pics?” she asked.

“Aye,” he breathed. “Though it did end up a bit better than I’d hoped.” His hand joined with hers on his belly. “Are we done with this now, then?” He was trying to sound casual, she could tell, but she also heard the hesitation in his voice.

“Only if you want to be,” she responded.

“Mm, not quite,” he hummed.

(It stayed on until they finally turned in for the night—several hours later.)

------------------------------------------

thanks y’all!! tagging some: @cocohook38 @ashley-knightingale @jennjenn615 @wyntereyez @superadam54​ @mathiaskejseren​

[stuckylibrary]

Group Ask 181

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Please send us an ask stating which group ask and which person you are replying to. Thank you so much in advance!

agustdynasty said:

Hello you lovely lovely people, I’m looking for a fic that I was in the middle of reading but couldn’t finish because one of those annoying “you have a virus” webpages that it would not let be back out of . It took place during the war and I believe that the commandos knew about stucky’s relationship. There is a scene in a church where an orphan child I believe asks them to put on a performance of Snow White and Bucky and Steve have to kiss since Bucky is Snow White. Thank you so much!

Anon 1 said:

Hi!! I’m trying to find a fic I read a while ago. Steve was an Omega and is set up to live with Alpha Bucky. It’s in a modern setting and they never met each other as kids. And they get really domestic and it’s super cute. Sorry I don’t remember much about the story

emmalostinwonderland and possibleplatypus sent in Season of all things* by Claudia_flies (complete | 26,466 | E) *chose not to warn

Anon 2 said:

Lost an au fic where Bucky was a SHIELD agent but Steve has still been frozen and Steve was lying/had designation problems in a D/S or A/B/O world. Bucky is an alpha and Steve is pretending to be but it makes him struggle a lot and they jerk off in the showers together because that’s normal for alphas/doms but Steve accidentally marks Bucky and it’s a huge insult in their culture so he’s offended and does it back and miscommunications until he figures out Steve is really an omega/sub

erika55wolf said:

Hi! I'm trying to find a post-winter solder fic where Bucky is on the run or homeless and doesn't even remember who he is. He was learning to be a person again and goes by the name Steve for a while because that's the only thing he remembers and feels strongly about. It was quite long, don't remember if multi-chaptered. It's possible Bucky was discovering he was gay and had sex for money, though I might be mixing it with another fic. Hope you can help!!! Thank you for everything you do

princessniitza sent in The Needle and the Killing Done* by spitandvinegar (restricted, oneshot |  7,549 | M) *rape/noncon

Anon 3 said:

Hey y'all! I read a fic a while ago where Steve painted all the avengers as saints or something along those lines and I can't find, I don't know if the author deleted it. Do you know any works like that?

Anon, princessniitza and skarabrae-stone sent in Ain’t No Grave (Can Keep My Body Down)* by spitandvinegar  (restricted, complete | 107,076 | M) *past rape/noncon, heed the tags

cyndagoaway said:

hey! haven’t looked at tumblr in a while and i was so sorry to hear about your last account! i’m looking for a fic so if you could help me out it would be cool. it’s a college au i’m pretty sure, bucky is a prostitute that meets steve at a bar, he’s hooking to pay off his student loans or something. so steve picks him up for the night and the next day when he starts college bucky is in his science class and they’re partners. sorry if it’s kinda vague.

Anon sent in Ain't No Rest Universe  by Kellyscams (series, ongoing | 314,093 | E)

Anon 4 said:

Ok this might be a bit vague but there was a fic I read a while ago where Steve and bucky were friends and then bucky moved away. Then Steve's looking for a flatmate and bucky comes to live with him. I seem to remember Steve had a stepfather that hurt his mum? Maybe guy called victor or smth? Thank you so much!

keepyourelectriceyeonme sent in G.I. Joes and 2AM Diners by OhCaptainMyCaptain (complete | 100,481 | E)

foolhappy said:

I’m looking for a fic I read a long time ago (I think just here on tumblr in a post?) where winter soldier Bucky doesn’t remember Steve but has habits left over from fighting alongside him, like keeping stuff in his pockets on one side, or describing things by shape instead of color because Steve was colorblind. Can you please help me find it again? 😭🙏

telvian said:

So I'm thinking my ask got lost in the move, or tumblr ate it. I'm looking for a fic with Viking bucky who falls in love with steve who is unknowingly the heir to some kind of irish land. He has a sheild birthmark and currently pierce is ruling his land. Bucky finds steve working in a brothel. Natasha is adopted by bucky after she tried to pickpocket him. Bucky is working on Thor's ship. Bucky is one of many sons to a Jarl, I believe this is shown at the start of the story. Thanks in advance!

agentseventyfive said:

Hey there. Thanks so much for all your hard work. Can you help me find a fic please. Bucky is staying in Clint’s apartment. Either injured or in recovery. He’s finding people interactions hard but starts to bond with Clints dog; sleeping on the sofa with the dog lying on him. Steve turns up & I think sleeps beside him on an air mattress on the floor? I’ve looked through the Lucky (Hawkeye) searches but the dog may not have been tagged despite having a big role. Thanks.

Anon 5 said:

Hi! I've been looking for this fic for almost an hour & it's driving me crazy, I was hoping you guys could help. So the details might be a bit off but it was shrunkyclunks. Bucky and Steve meet at a coffee shop where Becca works. It's Dom/sub and Bucky is a history(?) grad student (or some type of student) who ends up writing about captain america/the avengers and he ends up with a grant to open his own museum about the avengers. I think it also has Sharon&Wanda in a background relationship.

Anon 6 said:

hello there! I'm looking for a fic I read a while ago. It's post tws, bucky goes by James I believe but isn't really recovering the way they all hoped. Something magic happens and James somehow erases himself out of existence (?) So that Steve gets the old Bucky back. Somewhere at the end they get James back and Bucky goes back to his own time. I remember there was a scene in which Bucky enters James' old room and it's covered in papers and there's a gun with one bullet near the bed.

princessniitza, noneofusthesame, skarabrae-stone and drjezdzany sent in Memory* by orphan_account (oneshot | 23,934 | T) *chose not to warn

Anon 7 said: (past HTP)

There's a fic I lost where Bucky can't get off on being touched in any "inappropriate" zones because of past htp, and he can only orgasm when Steve touches him in innocent places (like arms, shoulders, etc) and praises him. Do y'all know what I'm talking about? Thanks!

keepyourelectriceyeonme sent in Need to Mean It, Concede It* by hjbaltimore (oneshot | 2,758 | M) *HTP

Anon 8 said:

Hello! I'm looking for this post-tws fic in which bucky moves into a friendly neighborhood before he meets steve again. i remember his neighbours were a lesbian couple and a woman he'd see run past every day. there was also some colourful clothing involved and a dog i think.

Anon sent in A Year in the Life of Sarge’s Person by Angst_BuriTTo, BlueSimplicity (complete | 189,125 | E)

Anon 9 said:

Hello :) I have been trying to find a fic, where the main theme is Bucky's arm and spine being operated on, so to speak, in order for him to recover after WS. I remember Tony putting together the best of the best surgeons from all over the world. I've searched through my bookmarks and my ao3 history but nothing jumps out. I remember something about Steve and Wilson finding Bucky being jumped near a lake i NY, but I'm not sure its the same fic. Can you help? Thank you.

drjezdzany and noneofusthesame sent in Thawed Out* by auburnnothenna (auburn), eretria (complete | 159,341 | E) *heed the tags!

[historyofshipping]

My massive Bellarke is epic and here’s proof from s5-7 rant.

Ok guys I cannot stress enough that I am drunk, this is long, it has strong language, and it’s a trip. I am putting it almost all under a cut because it is 20 f*ing pages on word.

For reference: this was on a discord chat and I am removing all names and a few other things but there will be absolutely no editing. Anything in straight text is me, anything in italics is someone else (there’s several different someone elses so people are separated by line breaks). On my page I think it appears as everything grey is someone else, everything black is me. I’m going to put the beginning on here and rest under the cut. If you’re still going through with this, I suggest some popcorn.

Guys... I'm trying to stay optimistic but I'm really worried that jroth is gonna make bellarke canon in a really disappointing way. Like for me infidelity is a huge no in ships and I hate that becho has gone on so long that there doesn't seem to be a lot of room left in the canon timeline for a becho breakup/end that doesn't ruin the start of Bellarke for me

WAIT I GOT YOU I CAN CALM YOU I THINK BUT FIRST I NEED TO EAT MY BREADSTICKS

Every moment Echo is on the screen I want to claw my eyes out because she's so boring please jroth let it fucking end, but the feminist in me doesn't want her to die or be disrespected just because she's a callous asshole who doesn't deserve him yknow

Eat your breadsticks babe I've been living with my dread for 2 seasons I can hang on a little longer I just wish the entire becho relationship had never happened it's a blight and it's gone on so long adenfkidsngksdgnksdgn

Kate will say it better than I will, but don't lose hope! Becho hasn't really been together on screen for very long. It's only been like a few weeks to a month since the beginning of S5. They've stretched it out over two seasons, but in canon not much time has passed. And most of that time had Bellamy either sacrificing almost 300 lives to save Clarke, poisoning his sister to save Clarke, or fucking off into the wilderness with Josephine to save Clarke. They've just straight up not had enough time for Bellamy to be like, "Hey Echo, I know I said things wouldn't change but that was before my wife was actually alive, so bye." Though  to wishing Becho had just never happened. We got one good angst scene with Clarke seeing them kiss. But otherwise, I could have very much done without their whole relationship.

they gave me 2 dozen breadsticks. i ordered 6

You've been blessed by the breadstick goddess.

oh sorry i was misinformed. i only have 22. apparently one bag only had 4 OK SO BELLARKE BITCHES AM I GOING TO ANNOYINGLY DO THIS IN CAPS SO BUCKLE TF UP

I mean, I love the idea that they only got together in the sixth year on the ring when Bellamy totally lost hope but is that canon? I thought we had a 3 year range

ALL RIGHT

We ignore canon in this channel. lol They've been together for 3 months.

SO LET'S START AT THE BEGINNING OF BECHO ok caps off. i even annoyed myself

I'm so here for this.

https://tenor.com/view/murder-she-wrote-angela-lansbury-jessica-eats-popcorn-interested-gif-4594942

Damn, I was ready for caps.

OK WE'RE BACK TO CAPS

https://giphy.com/gifs/popcorn-go-on-keep-going-Zd1BUb0qs6nwjeMUBu

OK SO WE HAVE BECHO'S FIRST SCENE TOGETHER ANYONE REMEMBER WHAT BELLAMY SAID? ANYONE? THIS REQUIRES AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION

"Hey work with me so I can break everyone out of this mountain"? or something?

OH DAMN I MEANT WHEN THEY WERE CANONICALLY TOGETHER XP

"I'm a goddamn delight who's trying to save your life you ungrateful walnut so maybe don't spit in my face" is what I would have written

LMFAO OJN THE RING WHAT'S THE FIRST THING WE HEAR FROM THEM? THE FIRST IMPORTANT THING? ANYONE?

Unfortunately that scene was physically repulsive for me so I don't remember much except for "nothing will change on the ground and my sister totally didn't mean to murder you"

AHA! THERE YA GO NOTHING WILL CHANGE ON TEH GROUND BECAUSE WHAT IS HE EXPECTING ON THE GROUND? NOTHING TO CHANGE BECAUSE THE ONLY THING THAT COULD CHANGE IS -----

>"I'm a goddamn delight who's trying to save your life you ungrateful walnut so maybe don't spit in my face" is what I would have written I SPIT OUT MY DRINK I CANNOT

ANYONE? YUP

I'm behind. lol

CLARKE

AND THEN WE GOT TO THE GROUND, WHAT HAPPENED?

BEING ALIVE

His sister having more taste in his romantic partners than him?

WHAT WAS THE LITERAL ONE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN THAT WOULD CHANGE BELLAMY'S MIND DING DING DING CLARKE IS ALIVE

10 points to 

AND WHAT DOES OUR BABY BOY DO?

SACRIFICE 300 PEEPS FOR HIS WIFE

Clarke with a gun AND a kid AND a rover AND bedtime storytelling practice like what more could he want that's all the things he loves

A LITTLE AHEAD BUT BANG

BABY BOY FOLLOWS CLARKS DAUGHTER FIRST, LEAVING ECHO IN THE LITERAL DUST (that's what he does before sacrificing lives)

WE WENT FROM "I WILL NOT TOUCH THESE PEOPLE BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO DO BETTER." TO "I WILL SLAUGHTER 283 PEOPLE WITHOUT RAISING AN EYEBROW" BECAUSE RANDOM CHILD SHOWS UP AND SAYS "CLARKE'S IN TROUBLE" RANDOM CHILD WHO HAS JUST KILLED A BUNCH OF HARDENED CRIMINALS

He had the dad mug tho, he had to help her

HE SAW HIMSELF IN HER HE KNEW

OK

HIS SOUL KNEW

SO WE'RE THERE NOW BUT THEN BANG, WE'RE ON THE GROUND AND OH FUCK I FORGOT I HAD A GIRLFRIEND BUT BELLAMY IS LOYAL SO HE SURE AF ISN'T DOING ANYTHING UNTIL HE'S DONE WITH ECHO BUT

He's had 2 seasons!!!!!

CLARKE BASICALLY ACTS LIKE SHE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE SEPARATION THOU SHALT NOT POKE HOLES IN MY SHIT UNTIL I AM DONE

>He's had 2 seasons!!!!! But only like a few weeks in time.

BECAUSE THESE TWO FUCK HEADS CANNOT HAVE A CONVERSATION

Forgive me!

SO WE HAVE A GRAND TOTAL OF FEWER THAN 3 WEEKS THAT THEY'RE ON THE GROUND AND THEN IN THAT TIME WE HAD.... one sec pPLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO REVIEW THE TIMELINE https://historyofbellarke.tumblr.com/post/620425806742749184/season-5-7x03-so-far-timeline FOR SEASON 5 ALL RIGHT SO WE HAVE THEM TOGETHER FOR LESS THAN A WEEK BEFORE BELLAMY'S LIKE (FROM CLARKE'S PERSPECTIVE) "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR KID, I HAVE TO SAVE MY FAMILY" SO THEN WE HAVE THEM SPEND THE NEXT 10 DAYS APART BECAUSE SHE LEFT HIM AFTER SLAPPING HIM AND SHE THOUGHT HE DIED BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING MORONS WHO CAN'T HAVE A CONVERSATION (YOU WILL NOTICE A RECURRING THEME) AND THEN, ECHO HAS LEARNED THAT NOT ONLY HAS CLARKE CARED ABOUT BELLAMY ALL THIS TIME BUT THAT SHE'S ONCE AGAIN READY TO PUT THE FATE OF HUAMNITIY ON THE LINE TO SAVE HIM "GO SAVE HIM. EVEN TAKE MURDER!DAUGHTER WITH YOU" BUT BELLAMY STILL DOESN'T KNOW THIS SO ANYWAY WE HAVE ANGST!BELLAMY GET PARENT TRAPPED BY MURDER!DAUGHTER are y'all still with me? AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED IMMEDIATELY AFTER MURDER!DAUGHTER'S INTERVENTION?

BELLARKE FORGIVENESS ™

YAS NOT ONLY THAT BUT SOFT!BELLARKE RETURNS WITH A VENGEANCE [side note: you can pry this theory from my cold dead hands but there was 100% a canon bellarke scene between forgiveness and 125 year wake up just in case they ended at season 5.]

[I need them to publish that scene when this is all over]

ALL RIGHT SO FUCKING MARPER - WHO SPENT A TOTAL OF LIKE 4 MONTHS WITH CLARKE BUT 6 YEARS WITH THEIR FAMILY- DECIDED TO WAKE UP BELLARKE TO TALK TO AND GIVE GUARDIANSHIP TO AND WHY DID THEY DO THAT?

THEY BEEN KNEW

I'LL ACCEPT IT

OK SO WE GET THIS PROMISING FUTURE TOGETHER ON THIS NEW PLANET RIGHT?

WRONG MURDER POLLEN

OK BUT TECHNICALLY BECHO IS STILL TOGETHER. NO PROBLEM - WE NEED TO FIGURE OUR SHIT OUT AND THEN WE'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO HAVE PEACE AND GET TOGETHER OK SO I'M JUST GOING TO START SAYING "CHORUS" WHEN I MEAN "BECAUSE THESE TWO DUMBASSES CAN'T TALK TO EACH OTHER" IS CHORUS THE RIGHT WORD? OR IS IT REFRAIN? WHATEVER ONE REPEATS - THAT ONE ALL RIGHT SO WE HAVE THEM GOING INTO THE VILLAGE AND EVERY TIME THERE IS DANGER, BELLAMY GOES IMMEDIATELY TO CLARKE WHEN IT'S PEACEFUL, OPE IT'S BACK TO ECHO

(like the husband he is)

I HAVE A WHOLE META ABOUT THAT IF YOU WANT IT BUT SO THEN THE FIRST TIME - LITERALLY THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE MARPER VIDEO - THAT THEY'RE ALONE, IT'S BECAUSE BELLAMY HAS SOUGHT HER OUT AND WHY DID BELLAMY SEEK HER OUT? Y'ALL I'M ONLY AT 6X01. I HAVE SO MUCH AMMUNITION BUT SOMEONE IS WELCOME TO SCREEN SHOT THIS SO THAT THE NEXT TIEM WE HAVE DOUBTS, I DON'T HAVE TO TYPE IT ALL OUT SO WHY DID BELLAMY SEEK HER OUT?

>Y'ALL I'M ONLY AT 6X01. I HAVE SO MUCH AMMUNITION @kate (historyofbellarke) "Give a position show me where the ammunition is" from My Shot just popped into my head lololol

WHY DID BELLAMY LEAVE HIS CANONICAL GIRLFRIEND TO GO SEEK OUT CLARKE?

BECAUSE HE LOVES HER AND ALSO BECAUSE THERE WAS DANGER

OK BUT WHY SPECIFICALLY NOOO WHEN CLARKE WAS IN THE SCHOOL

AND THE LAST TIME SHE WASN'T IN HIS SIGHT SHE ALMOST DIED

OK THAT TOO

Okay I'm lost at this point then.

LOL

Phone a friend.

Bc she sucks and Clarke's the best?

I'LL LET ---- CHIME IN LMFAO I LOVE YOU GUYS KNOW IT'S TO TELL HER THAT HE KNOWS ABOUT THE CALLS

OH THAT SCENE

HE KNOWS THAT SHE CALLED HIM EVERY DAY FOR 2,199 DAYS HE SOUGHT HER OUT, BY HERSELF, TO TELL HER THIS

YES YES

BUT BECAUSE CHORUS

WE'RE BACK THESE FUCK HEADS CAN'T HAVE A CONVERSATION

SHE GOT NERVOUS AND DUCKED OUT BECAUSE IT'S BEEN LESS THAN 3 WEEKS SINCE HE CAME BACK AND SHE'S OVERWHELMED BECAUSE HOLY FUCK WHAT A 3 WEEK PERIOD THAT WAS (REFER BACK TO TIMELINE AS NEEDED) ALL RIGHTY SO THEN AFTER THAT THEY FIND OUT ABOUT THE RED SUN WHICH BY THE WAY IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS BECAUSE HE CALLS OVER ECHO JUST TO PROMPTLY IGNORE HER COMPLETELY [AND BECAUSE IT'S ME, I HAVE A GIFSET FOR THAT] SORRY I GOT DISTRACTED

NO WE'RE HERE FOR THE GIFSET

I'M LOOKING OK IT'S PART OF THIS SO YOU GET A 2 FOR 1 https://historyofbellarke.tumblr.com/post/184827185143/bellarke-danger-vs-becho-safety OK NOW I FORGOT WERE I LEFT OFF OH YEAH IGNORING ECHO ALL RIGHT SO THEN WE HAVE EVERYTHING GO TO SHIT AND OF COURSE, BELLARKE LOCK THEMSELVES TOGETHER AND WE HAVE THE ANGST THE ANGST BUT THEY HAVE EACH OTHER'S KEYS

WHICH IS A MARRIED MOVE IF I EVER HEARD ONE

BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE KEY TO MY HEART, WHEREVER YOU ARE, I'LL KEEP YOU

That's a very comprehensive gifset

IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT SONG THEN I FEEL OLD SO YOU HAVE THEM UNLOCKING EACH OTHER BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY ARE

I might drift in and out of conversation, partner wants attention but I wanna finish reading this asdfgh

AND HE'S LIKE "NAH ECHO, WIFEY AND I GOT THIS. WE GOTTA TAKE CARE OF OUR KIDS." TELL THEM TO WAIT THEIR TURN SO THEY'RE GOING LITERALLY PSYCHOTIC BUT THAT'S COOL. I TRUST THE OTHER ONE ENOUGH TO NOT KILL ME BUT OH WAIT - WHAT IS BELLAMY'S PSYCHOSIS ?

Not needing Clarke anymore...?

YUP WHICH MEAN S

He needed her and knew it at some point

YUP ALSO I FOUND THAT GIFSET THAT I IDD TO THAT SONG https://historyofbellarke.tumblr.com/post/184725894498/this-song-popped-into-my-head-and-i-had-to OK SO SKIPPING AHEAD, HIS BIGGEST SECRET IS THAT HE DOES STILL NEED HER OK EVEN I'M STARTED TO GET BORED SO I'LL GIVE BULLET POINTS FROM HERE ON OUT SO WE HAVE HIM NEEDING HER HIM CALLING HER THE LEADER EVEN THOUGH SHE HASN'T BEEN FOR LIKE 6 YEARS AND WE HAVE HIM PINING OVER HER AT THE DANCE FLOOR AND PICKING A FIGHT WITH ECHO OH YEAH AND WE SEE ALL THE  BECHO CRACKS HERE

This has been a v good rundown, I won't lie.

LOL

ONWARD  I'M BACK ON TRACK

WE HAVE JUXTAPOSED: ECHO NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY WITH REGARDS TO OBUT CLARKE KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT TO SAY EVEN AFTER 6 YEARS

BECAUSE WIFEY

https://historyofbellarke.tumblr.com/post/618426948212965376/historyofbellarke-4-times-someone-knew-the-right

Really you'd think the spy would know what someone wants to hear smh

NAH BECAUSE SHE HAS NO EMOTIONAL EMPATHY. WE'LL GET TO THAT EVENTUALLY

She's also kinda a shit spy. Like when has she ever done actual spying.

Y'ALL I HAVE A GIF FOR EVERYTHING. I'M THE LIZ WARREN OF BELLARKE GIFS GIFSETS AT LEAST

You don't need empathy to fake it, Madison's right she's just such a bad spy :joy:

I'VE GOT NOTHING ON ---- FOR JUST GIFS LOLi

I say this as someone who was 10/10 a spy in a past life at least according to my recurring dreams about it1

OK SO THEN WE ALSO HAVE BELLAMY SIDING WITH CLARKE AT EVERY TURN, OVER ECHO'S EXPLICIT OBJECTIONS AND WE HAVE HER NOTICINGGGGGG WE'RE HERE FOR THIS CONTENT

https://historyofbellarke.tumblr.com/post/185265380768/6x04-bec-scene-follow-up-with-6x05 JUST ONE EXAMPLE

HATE TO SEE IT 

SO WE HAVE BELLAMY CLEARLY SHOWING THAT HE'S HER LEADER - WHETHER HE MEANS TO BE OR NOT - WHICH COMES IN IN 7X01

Total aside but now I want a modern au where Bellamy doesn't know how to break up with Echo so he tries to ghost her while everyone around him is pulling their hair out

OH SHIT ONE SECOND I HAVE TO DO DUOLINGO SO I DON'T LOSE MY STREAK BRB

>Total aside but now I want a modern au where Bellamy doesn't know how to break up with Echo so he tries to ghost her while everyone around him is pulling their hair out ---- I love this, actually. WE SHALL HOLD YOUR SPOT

No one in this goddamn canon knows how to have an actual breakup conversation they only know how to die

CORRECT CHORUS

BECAUSE THESE TWO DUMBASSES CAN'T TALK TO EACH OTHER

Ironically Raven and Finn are the only ones who have had a half-normal breakup.

Will be back, partner is dramatically exclaiming that I don't love him anymore bc I won't go give him a goddamn hug bc the meta's too good

BOOM OK I'M BACK

SIDE NOTE BEFORE WE'RE BACK

GO ON

What language are you learning on Duolingo?

relearning spanish and then german german for work, spanish because i used to be fluent and i'm so bad now xp

This entire convo is a chaotic mess

We are a chaotic mess.

WELCOME TO THE HELLMOUTH, ----

Our ship is a chaotic mess.

It all tracks, honestly.

WE WOULD'VE ALL BEEN SO MUCH BETTER OFF IF JASPER HAD DESTROYED THE CHIP OOK SO MOVING ON NOW I FORGOT WHERE I LEFT OFF OH YEAH LEADER PERF SO OH YEAH I FORGOT TO ADD - 6 & 7 ARE ONE SINGULAR SEASON SO

This convo should totally be convered into a Masterclass session at the end. YES

WE'VE GOT A RUNNING THREAD OF ECHO BEING A FOLLOWER OF BELLAMY AND HER KNOWING IT

6/7 ARE ONE SEASON WE'RE HERE WE'RE LIVING

BUT BACK TO S6 SO WE HAVE BELLAMY BEING THE FIRST TO REALIZE THAT CLARKE WANS'T CLARKE AND WE HAVE THIS BEAUTIFUL MOMENT

I’m here and all of this is glorious

OH YEAH THERE'S ALSO THIS BUT I DIGRESS https://historyofbellarke.tumblr.com/post/618548726524510208/historyofbellarke-5x09-6x04-6x05 THE FIRST ONE HERE - https://historyofbellarke.tumblr.com/post/616075629201408000/just-some-clips-ofabout-bellamy-where-either HE'S WILLING TO RISK EVERYTHING EBCAUSE CLARKE MIGHT BE AT RISK  EVEN THOUGH THEY LITERALLY HAVE NO WHERE ELSE TO GO OH YEAH FUCKING MURPHY - I'LL GET BACK TO HIM ALL RIGHT SO THEN WE HAVE BELLAMY FIGURING IT OUT AND THE HORROR BLOOMING IN HIS SOUL AND THEN WE HAVE HIM LITERALLY WITH A ROOM DESTROYED EVERN THOUGH HE IS CHAINED UP LIKE SERIOUSLY HOW DID HE MANAGE THAT AND THEN TRY TO KILL RUSSELL THE SECOND HE COULD BECAUSE HE HURT CLARKE EVEN THOUGH, AGAIN, THAT'S THE ONLY WAY HE AND HIS PEOPLE COULD SURIVVE BUT WITHOUT CLARKE, HE'S NOT ALIVE. HE ONLY SURVIVES AND HOW DO WE KNOW THIS? BECAUSE HE FUCKING SAYS IT (implicitly)

I just came into this. I have nothing to add I just want to say I’m living for it

:heart:

Agreed, this conversation is giving meaning to my insomnia :joy:

https://historyofbellarke.tumblr.com/post/618973621000585216/just-a-reminder-that-bellamy-canonically-only

WHOLE F*ING THING ON SURVIVING VS LIVING AND THEN ONCE HE DECIDES THEY'RE GOING TO LIVE (AND LET RUSSELL LIVE)  BECAUSE IT'S WHAT CLARKE WOULD'VE WANTED, HE SAYS "WE SURVIVE" LOOKING LIKE THE SADDEST FUCKING PUPPY IN EXISTENCE AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FACT THAT WE HAD A WHOLE DAMN EPISODE OF A 13 EPISODE SEASON DEVOTED TO BELLAMY SUFFERING BECAUSE HIS WIFE DIED AGAIN 3 WEEKS AFTER SHE WAS RESURRECTED SUBTLE, JASON. SUBTLE. OK NOW BACK TO MY BELOVED COCKROACH MURPHY AND BELLAMY ARE ARGUABLY THE TWO CLOSEST NON-ROMANTIC (:upside_down:) PEOPLE ON THE SHIP THE RING RIGHT? OK WE'RE GOING WITH IT ANYWAY

Hmmm yes(I agreee) but also Clarke and Murphy have that understanding that transcends words?

THEY ARE THE CLOSEST ROMANCE WITHSTANDING ON THE SHIP

AND MURPHY, MY BELOVED MURPHY, HAS BEEN THERE FROM "I'LL CHOP HER HAND OFF" TO "OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK CLARKE IS UNCONSCIOUS AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO" TO "YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE HERE SAVING SOMEONE THEY CARE ABOUT"

BECAUSE BELLAMY DOES NOT EVEN KNOW ECHO'S ACTUAL NAME AND THEREFORE THEY ARE NOT CLOSE

LOL SO MURPHY AFTER 6 YEARS IS TRYING TO GET BELLAMY TO DO SOMETHING HE WANTS (WE'RE BACK IN SEASON 5 NOW, SORRY) AND HOW DOES HE DO THAT?

AND INVOLKES MOM'S NAME

BLESSED BE "WELL IF CLARKE WAS HERE" BELLAMY ESPLODES OK SO NOW WE HAVE MURPHY AGAIN WHO KNOWSSSS AND WHAT DOES HE SAY TO JOSIE? ABOUT BELLAMY

If Clarke is dead Bellamy will kill us all HE KNOWS

BAM ALSO, REFER BACK TO PREVIOUS GIFSET, SAME MURPHY "OH YEAH I'LL TRY TO HELP ECHO TOO" BECAUSE MURPHY KNOWSSSS OOK THAT'S ALL FOR MURPHY NOW SO WE HAVE BELLAMY "WE'RE GOING TO SURVIVE BECAUSE I CAN'T LIVE WITHJOUT CLARKE BUT I'M GOING TO ONCE AGAIN HONOR HER FUCKING MEMORY" UNTILLLLLL WHAT HAPPENS

lol @ Murphy having to remind Bell his gf exists hahahah UNTIL HIS SOUL REALIZES CLARKE IS ALIVE

BUT HOW DOES HE REALIZE THAT

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T CONVINCE ME HE KNEW IT WAS MORSE CODE BECAUSE OF EARTH SKILLS NO

HE KNEW IT WAS MORSE CODE BECAUSE HIS SOUL FUCKING KNEW HIS WIFE WAS ALIVE

Yesss

PLATONIC SOULMATE MY ASS JASON

Morse code is life

[okay rant over, continue Kate]

MILLER'S FACE WAS LIKE "YOU FUCKING WHAT MAN?"

(side note- i am getting alive in morse code on my wrist when covid clears) OK SO WE'RE BACK SO WE HAVE JOSIE TAPPING HER FINGERS

Oh I love that I have friend who has that tattoo

YES TAP TAP MILLER GOING WTF BELL GOING ALL GIDDY PUPPY WITH A BONE

WHICH MEANS BELLAMY HAD TO HAVE GONE BACK TO HIS FAMILY AND SAY "OK WE'RE GOING TO RESCUE MY DEAD WIFE. SHE'S ALIVE. IKNOW BECAUSE JOSIE WAS TAPPING HER FINGERS." AND THE FAMILY HAD TO GO "YEAH OK THAT MAKES SENSE."

AND NO ONE QUESTIONED IT BECAUSE THEY BEEN KNEW

Yessss

SO WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO? LIKE IT WAS EVEN A QUESTION. THEY'RE RESCUING CLARKE AND BY THEY'RE I MEAN HE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THEM AT THE MOMENT SO HE'S LIKE "READY OR NOT, I'M RESCUING MY WIFE. BYEEEEE" AND JORDAN'S LIKE "WHAT ABOUT PRIYA?" AND EVERYONE'S LIKE ".... SORRY BRO. CLARKE. YOU WANTED HEART BELLAMY. YOU GOT HIM." SO HE GOES, LEAVING HIS FAMILY BEHIND WITH A BUNCH OF PSYCHOPATHIC MURDERERS WHO KNOW THAT BELLAMY IS GOING TO KILL THEIR DAUGHTER BUT HE'S JUST LIKE... BYE AND HE KNOWS, AND WE KNOW THAT HE KNOWS, BECAUSE JOSIE TAUNTS HIM ABOUT IT THE WHOLE TIME BECAUSE JOSIE IS THE AUDIENCE BASICALLY

JOSIE IS US BUT SLIGHTLY MORE PSYCHOTIC

ALL RIGHT SO SKIPPING AHEAD, SKIPPING AHEAD, YOU HAVE JOSIE'S WHOLE RUN DOWN OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP

TOGETHER

AND HIS VERY LONG PAUSE FOLLOWED BY "I WON'T LET YOU DIE"

EXHAUSTING

INSTEAD OF I FUCKING LOVE YOU BECAUSE CHORUS SO WE GET CLARKE BACK THROUGH SHEER FORCE OF BELLAMY'S WILL

>AND HIS VERY LONG PAUSE FOLLOWED BY "I WON'T LET YOU DIE" @kate (historyofbellarke) "I LOVE YOU, BITCH. I AIN'T EVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU, BITCH."

"I'LL SHAVE THE BEARD" SO WE HAVE CLARKE WHO GAVE UP LIVING BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT BELLAMY GAVE UP (REMEMBER, JOSIE SHOWING HER THE MEMORY OF BELLAMY SAYING WE'LL TAKE THE DEAL) AND THEN CLARKE COMING BACK TO LIFE BECAUSE BELLAMY WOULDN'T GIVE UP AND THEN WE HAVE OCTAVIA, MY BROTHER POISONED ME FOR HIS WIFE AND I STILL RAISED MY NIECE ON STORIES OF EPIC BELLARKE, BLAKE IN THE BACKGROUND BEING ALL OF US

>SO WE HAVE CLARKE WHO GAVE UP LIVING BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT BELLAMY GAVE UP (REMEMBER, JOSIE SHOWING HER THE MEMORY OF BELLAMY SAYING WE'LL TAKE THE DEAL) @kate (historyofbellarke) OMG I HAVE A SPEC ABOUT THIS I HAVE A SPEC ABOUT THIS BUT IMMA WAIT TIL WE'RE DONE TO POP INTO SPEC TO TALK IT OUT OKAY CONTINUE

i'm going to keep going, but have i done a pretty good job of convincing anyone who was wavering? because remember this is all canon.  i have done absolutely no spec-ing at all.

I'm very hype rn. Ngl.

lol

Could flip a tire for Bellarke rn kind of hype

OK SO NOW CLARKE IS ALIVE BUT OH FUCK, THE REST OF THE FAMILY IS IN TROUBLE WE LITERALLY HAD MURPHY, MY BLESSED MURPHY, SHOW UP TO GO "YO. YOUR GIRLFRIEND." AND BELLAMY GO https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/591463308117278720/716493560610029708/tumblr_pv4mkld49N1xsmktho1_500.gif SO OF COURSE, IT'S NOT TIME TO TALK BECAUSE CHORUS

DUMBASSES NO TALKIE

SO WE GET EVERYONE FIXED. A BUNCH OF UNNECESSARY PLOT SHIT HAPPENS. AND THEN BELLAMY LITERALLY PUSHES HIS GIRLFRIEND OUT OF THE WAY TO GO AND DO A DRAMATIC SUNSET REUNION WITH HIS WIFE AND THEN PLOT SHIT PLOT SHIT PLOT SHIT WE'RE IN S7 AM I MISSING S6 STUFF? PROBABLY BUT Y'ALL IT'S LITERALLY BEEN 4 WEEKS IN CANON AT THIS POINT AND I MISSED A LOT OF SHIT. SO Y'KNOW. OUR BABIES ARE TIRED N AND NOW WE'RE ALL GOOD RIGHT? JUST GONNA GO HAVE A QUICK MEETING WITH GABRIEL AND THEN GO BACK TO MY WIFE SO WE CAN TALK OVER SOME TEA THEN BAM, O GETS STABBED AND THEN WE HAVE . 4 EPISODES THAT HAPPEN OVER 2 DAYS BEFORE CLARKE'S LIKE "WELP. I'M THROWING MYSELF HEAD FIRST INTO A WORM HOLE TO GO GET MY HUSBAND AND HIS STUPID GIRLFRIEND." AND YOU HAVE EVERYONE ELSE GOING "I'M SORRY, DID YOU THINK ANYTHING ELSE WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?" AND FOLLOWING AND THE S6/7 WRITERS MOSTLY JUST CHOSE TO IGNORE THAT S4/5 WRITERS GAVE CLARKE A DAUGHTER BECAUSE, WELL, I DON'T BLAME THEM EVEN THOUGH I LOVE MADI SHE'S AN UNNECESSARY COMPLICATION SO HAND WAVING SHE'S FINE SO NOW WE'RE UP TO PRESENT

Fully convinced Madi was there to ensure Clarke didn't go fully insane on Earth and provide motive for that bitch slap scene from S5.

brb spilled beer

Oh, and to parent trip Bell/Clarke.

>brb spilled beer @kate (historyofbellarke) makes sense after the tea you're spilling on this channel

Someone really oughta document this convo for a later date. lol We will need to reference it before end of the season, bet. lol

blesss i do not deserve my partner he told me to go sit down and is cleaning it also i went to finish the last of the unspilled stuff and promptly spilled it down my chest so ALL RIGHT WHERE WERE WE OH YEAH AND BELLAMY FORGAVE HER BECAUSE MADI WAS LIKE "YO YOU'RE A PARENT TOO AND REMMEBER SHE STOOD BY YOU WHEN YOU PUT OCTAVIA ABOVE LITERALLY EVERYTHING" AND BELLAMY WAS LIKE "OH... SHIT." AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE "SHE CALLE DYOU EVERY DAY YOU DUMBFUCK" AND YOU HAVE THE PATENTED "OMG, DOES CLARKE HAVE FEELINGS FO RME TOO???" JAW DROP BUT NOW BACK TO PRESENT

(Now if someone will just fucking tell her that he did the equivalent grant gestureTM of the radio calls except w/ poison)

i didn't even include the fact that he fucking poisoned O, that diyoza referred to her as his girlfriend, etc etc etc OH AND AS TO WHY HBECHO ISN'T GOING TO BE A HTING ANYMORE BESIDES EVERYTHING I'VE SAID

FINN COLLINS THAT'S WHY

BASUCALLY YES

FINN COLLINS EXCEPT AT LEAST CLARKE KNEW HIS REAL NAME

THEY DID A LITERAL EXACT PARALLEL BETWEEN BELLAMY AND ECHO SPFEIHOi4ur YES LIKE IT'S LIKE THE WRITERS FOUND BESTOFBECHO AND WENT "FUCK, ARE WE NOT BEING OBVIOUS ENOUGH? TIME TO CALL IN ZACH MCGOWAN" ( THEY FUCKING GOT ZACH ON A PLANE FROM LA TO VANCOUVER TO JUST SAY "YOU DON'T LOVE HIM" LIKE I DON'T THINK PEOPLE REALIZE HOW INVOLVED OF A PROCESS IT IS TO GET AN ACTOR THERE - ESPECIALLY IN CANADA WHERE YOU HAVE TO BALANCE NON-CANADIAN WITH CANADIAN ACTORS OR YOU CAN'T SHOOT IN CANADA SO THIS AMERICAN HAD TO BE TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT FOR THE WHOLE SEASON FOR A 2 MINUTE APPERANCE BUT THE WRITERS WERE LIKE "YO HUGE NEON SIGN RIGHT HERE" AND THEN SHE CONTINUED ALL SEASON IN THAT VEIN UNTIL 7X05 WHEN SHE BROKEEEEE OVER HIS "DEATH"

BECAUSE HER SOUL DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS ALIVE LIKE BELL DID CLARKE

AND DID THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING BELLAMY DID WHEN HE FOUND OUT CLARKE WAS ALIVE

And also as mentioned, she's a shit spy.

BECAUSE THE WRITERS ARE LIKE "CAN WE MAKE IT MORE OBVIOUS? I'M NOT SURE HOW!" so now we're at present day and here's a bit of crack spec-ing

THANKS FOR THIS LONG ASS META !!

YOU ARE WELCOME once again if i put that amount of effort into my dissertation, i'd be a phd with a published book or 3

This was a joy to read An utter joy This reaffirmed all my beliefs and got rid of all doubts I had

https://tenor.com/view/about-to-ugly-cry-ugly-cry-emotional-sensitive-crying-gif-8033343 i aim to please so now we have that O/B scene so we as the audience know something is off. bellamy was dragged sobbing and unconscious by his captors to suddenly being awake, fine, and killing a bunch of trained soldiers and holding someone hostage with his left hand. so then you have O, noticing something isn't quite right, casually bringing up clarke's name clarke. fucking. griffin. who bellamy had JUST brought back from the dead after learning she was alive and he's just... calm? about O possibly doing something with these psychos that's related to clarke? HE JUST POISONED HIS SISTER LIKE A WEEK AGO TO SAVE CLARKE'S LIFE i cannot stress this enough. bellamy fucking blake would not just go "huh?" when O, his sister that he's barely tolerating, goes "i'll tell you, you psychotic cultists, everything about my sister-in-law" and that's it. that's where i'm at s6 was about bellamy literally pulling clarke back from death s7 will be about clarke literally crossing time and space to get back to bellamy THIS IS AN EPIC FUCKING LOVE STORY AND ANYONE WHO THINKS OTHERWISE IS WRONG AND NOW I'M GOING TO TAKEA . SHOWER BECAUSE I SPILLED BEER ON MYSELF BUT I WILL BE BACK also i didn't think iw as drunk but then i reread that and started crying so it's definitely shower time

[yanderecandystore]

bullies x final girl reader? like, they were recently the only survivor of a killing and they’re being seen as a badass ( rightfully so )? bonus points if the reader seems like ur stereotypical ditzy cheerleader

Honestly, I love this??

Recently I've been getting into Dead by Daylight and Slasher movies, but because I'm just too much of an uncultured swine, I can't get enough courage to open the requests for DBD headcanons.

I wish I could put more fandoms on the masterlist, but because I only follow a couple of niche fandoms (some of those weird ones, ya know?) I'm always a little too worried about saying my headcanons for them. I'm afraid of getting out of character 😂😅

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

Final Girl (yes, I know, really creative, I'm lazy okay?) - [Yandere!Bully Ocs x Survivor!Reader - Headcanon]:

Who would've guessed that someone like you would face such a tragedy so soon? A big event that would change people's perspective and morals due to the traumatic experiences, in a span of a day?

Or better question, who would've guessed that you would face everything in such a calm manner? Talk with your classmates like it was a common Monday afternoon.

Let's recap a bit, it was Friday when it happened, you were going back home and it was already getting dark and everyone was already either getting home after work, or leaving their home to go to work.

Your classes had just ended, but you still needed some work to do inside the gym, organizing some of the stuff that you and your friends used for practice.

You see, it's when the sun is starting to come down and everyone inside the city is being active and getting to one place to another, the exact moment when the city feels lively, that people feel more comfortable to just care about their business.

After all, it's a lot safer when there are a hundred strangers walking around. No one would be crazy to try to pull a move when there are so many witnesses.

But that's the catch, when the sunset ends and the moon starts coming into vision, it's the exact opposite of the calm daylight. It all depends on where you're going and how long does it take for you to get there.

Even if you live near the richest places with those beautiful villas, you still have a chance, even if it's minimum, to get killed in those silent streets. That's why everyone around that area is known to walk fast at night and be straight to the point.

But then again, you weren't going to the rich area of the city, no, you were going home, in a more moderate area.

I say moderate, because although crimes aren't really high around your house, it's not exactly a calm walk until you get home.

It would be worse if none of the students lived close to you. At least there are a couple of people to talk with, even if some of them are strangers or not really close to you.

It would be a shame if someone were to follow this group of people that aren't armed or prepared in any way, shape or form-

Oh no, wait!-

You can't like the whole event wasn't really traumatic, it's just that, your brain had blocked a couple of memories, you still have a hard time believing any of it happened.

In one second, you're in a group of 6, on the other, you're in a group of 5. "Someone must have got lost along the way", that's what the others in the group said, trying to come up with more positive interpretations while ignoring the worrying inside their heads.

" Everything is fine, we'll see Marie on school Monday surely!"

" She probably just went the other way, maybe she lives on another street and we didn't hear her say goodbye, that's all."

It was always like this, someone would ask where she could be, and someone would give them fake hopes that she was alright. But deep down you all knew she wasn't.

Something in the air wasn't right and everyone knew that. Even if y'all didn't really know each other (as some of these students were from other classes), you could still feel the same worries that Marie's classmate was feeling. He was getting worried that his classmate just disappeared out of nowhere.

He only had known her for a week, he told you explaining why he didn't know where she lived as she never told him. He decided that he would go back and see if she got lost or was needing help. And so, your group was considering if they should go after him or wait for them.

Or just continue like nothing happened.

After some minutes standing up and not seeing any sign of the two, you all decided to go home, as waiting any longer in the dark would be really dangerous.

So there was you and three strangers that were trying to break the ice as best as they could, but nothing seemed to change how terrible you were feeling inside, knowing that something could have happened.

You did make them laugh a bit though, you were fun to be around, and maybe y'all could have been friends.

But things didn't work out that way, things just got worse and worse that night. You were 6, then 5, then 4, then 1.

The killer wanted to go one by one, but he didn't think you or any of the other students would fight back. He shouldn't have attacked a group of six to be honest.

You managed to escape his grasp and turn to another direction so he couldn't follow you to your house, you were panicking, but using skills that you gained by being a cheerleader, you managed to reach a police station nearby.

Honestly, who said that cheerleaders are dumb just ate a mouthful of grass.

Of course they took some time to believe you, thinking it was a prank at first, but giving you a second glance it was obvious you were panicking and had run miles to get there.

They didn't find the killer sadly, but at least they found the bodies that were hidden in some of the alleys, a really sloppy killer, probably didn't have a plan B to cover his tracks.

The incident was all over the news, there wasn't a person who hasn't heard of what you've been through, people even want to have interviews with you, for you to tell the full story and experience, but honestly you're just too tired for that.

You wish you could rest a bit before going back to your daily life, since a lot of the things that happened that night are now a blank canvas inside your brain.

You weren't expecting people to treat you with so much respect though, it was… Pretty heartwarming!

People never have given you the benefit of the doubt, but now your classmates act like you're movie badass or something, but you can't understand why, you only did basic parkour skills to reach the station. You don't think it was a big deal at all!

( Although the cameras around those streets shown you making fucking backflips to jump a wall, but moving on-)

Even the twins that acted like mediocre bullies towards you actually show some respect for once. It's…. A really weird change and you don't know how to feel about it!?

But can you blame them? They were sitting in their couch messing around with their phones and out of nowhere the latest news passing on their TV is:

" Five students from Amaryllis Academy have been found dead at seven p.m by Police Officer Marcella Diaz, after a student named [Y/N] [L/N] had appeared at the Police Station claiming that a killer was following them all night-"

Like, can you imagine hearing that your soon to be wife had almost fucking died by some creep following them???! The audacity of some people, honestly.

But seriously, after hearing your name being mentioned in TV, they freaked out! Something terrible could have happened to you and they wouldn't know about it!

If you were dead they wouldn't forgive themselves even if they don't have anything to do with the incident. They wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing that not only did you die and that the creep is lurking around somewhere, they wouldn't be able to tell you that they love you and that they're really sorry that they were assholes, and they will burn the man that dared touch you, and-

You know, some people say that after an extreme experience like this, a person would be reborned in a way. But honestly, you feel like your normal self, it just feels like the world is a lot different now. Maybe your perspective had changed, or maybe you did get reborn.

For someone that used to see the world as a great place, you're starting to see that not everything is perfect, and that things like this happen all the time.

That thought kinda scares you.

Lately, the twins have been really friendly towards you, almost suffocatingly so. They even started to welcome you inside their family's lamborghini so they could take you home.

They don't want you to go through anything like that ever again. You even began to go into their house on the weekends.

These past few weeks have been insane, you almost forgot how to breathe when you saw on the news that the body of the killer of your classmates had been found in a parking lot, burned to death.

You didn't know how to react, it was only two weeks after the incident, and he is found dead almost turning into ashes. It's so disturbing, that if it wasn't for the reassuring hug Alexandra has given you, you would fall flat on the floor.

You….. Are absolutely lost for words.

You guess… Maybe you don't need to be worried about him anymore….

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

[love-bokumono-fics]

in your opinion, which harvest moon or sos games are worth playing and which are not? Are the older titles worth it?

So I have to confess, I have played relatively few HM/SoS games to completion. "Completion" meaning: over a year in-game played, got married, had a kid, and/or completed whatever story there is to be done. I am also of the mind that if something makes me happy, regardless of how old, or objectively "bad" it might be considered, it's worth playing. It makes me happy, it's time well spent.

So if you're looking for an actual critical, and well thought out review of the games, I am not the blog to ask. There are lots of other people out there who have given more thought to the matter than I have.

For the record, the games I have played are: Back to Nature, HM 3 GBC, (More) Friends of Mineral Town, Island of Happiness, Save the Homeland, SoS1, Trio of Towns, SoS Friends of Mineral Town, and I'm working my way through Pioneers of Olive Town.

I've played a little bit of Tale of Two Towns, and A New Beginning, but I didn't get very far in either of those before getting distracted with other things. I enjoyed them while I was playing, but also neither of them captured my attention enough to stay invested long term. Make of that what you will.

I never played any of the titles that were released on Game Cube or Wii, and I basically didn't play anything between 2007 and 2014. Which some people will say is when the best games came out, and I missed out on the best titles, but I never played them so I can't offer an opinion on them. And I haven't played any of the Harvest Moon titles since the split.

So of the ~25 games that we have under the Hm/SoS umbrella, I've played 10, and 4 of them are technically the same game remade on different consoles so let's say 6. Several of the games I played as a literal child, and when I upgraded to the next technology generation, I lost my ability to play them. Others I picked up again as an adult and thoroughly enjoyed my time playing.

As for the "worth" of the game, it really depends on what you, personally, want from your game. I've already given you my definition of "worth". I realize it is not Everyone's definition of "worth". Nonny, I suspect, that since you're asking me in the first place, "it makes me happy" isn't the only reason you want/need to invest time and effort into playing a game. I cannot tell you which games you think will be "worth it."

I think each game has it's own value. It offers something that other's don't. Different characters, different farming mechanics, different stories, and I think each one, in its own way has some value to impart on the players.

My long-time favorite game has been the Mineral Town games, ever since we got BTN in 2000 I fell in love with the premise, the characters, the setting. I bought the gameboy versions when they hit stores, and they are the games I most consistently return to when I want something comfortable.

Compared to recent games though, the Mineral Town ones are Really Basic. And while I love the games for their nostalgia, I know some people will be bored to tears by them of they go from playing the more recent games to that. Even when FoMT hit the switch last sumer I had a bit of whiplash going "oh, there's so little on the calendar, and I only have how many different crops to grow? nothing grows in winter? okay." because I had just come off from playing Trio of Towns.

If you want to be busy and have 100 goals to meet, stick to the newer games. If you just wanna chill and do whatever, try some of the older games if you can.

I think, if you have the time/ability to go back and play the old games, and you want to do it, then by all means, go for it!

A lot of them are only available to play on technology that a lot of people don't have floating around their homes anymore. If they didn't get a next gen port to an easily accessible console, so unless you still have a functioning PS2 or GBA, you're not going to have the chance to play them. Yeah, emulators are out there and they work, but in my experience they're also annoying and buggy, and not an ideal way to play the games. If you have the consoles, but not the games, getting your hands on copies can be very expensive.

You are already prone to play the old games. You're gonna play them regardless of my opinions on them. You're gonna shell out the cash or set up the emulator, or dust off the Wii and pray it still works, and i hope you enjoy your time playing!

These games have been coming out over 20+ years at this point, and while many of them are just remakes/reskins/girl versions, that's still so much time covered in video game technology. And comparing the earliest games to the most recent ones is more of an exercise in frustration and futility. You're never going to find the right answer.

(I also don't know what your personal gauge for 'old' is, Nonny. Because Old for me are games that are 20 years old. Old for you might be games that are 5 years old, which was like... last week from my perspective, so...)

All this to say, I guess I'll give a brief opinion on the games I have played, and y'all can make your decisions as you please from there.

Back to Nature/Mineral Town Games: My OG game. Always holds a dear spot in my heart for nostalgia. Love the town, love the characters, love the music, can do no wrong, a very enjoyable, if basic, farming game. Easy to play for a bit, set down for a while, and pick up and play again without feeling like you've forgotten you were in the middle of something important.

HM GBC 3: Pretty sure I was 10 last time I played it, so grain of salt. I found it more boring than the MT games, the town and maps were smaller, none of the characters had portraits, I didn't really get all of the details to make the farm work. I'm sure if I went back now as an adult I would have a better time, but I have no desire to emulate it. If you want to emulate it, go for it, but be warned that if you play as a girl, the game ends after you get married. Doesn't do that if you play as a boy so...

Save the Homeland: I kept going back to replay this game for years. I thought the premise was fun, and I always wanted to try and get all of the endings, but never did. I would buy it again in a heartbeat if it got remastered. Different from other games tho, in that you only get one year to play and get an ending, and once you do, the game restarts you at Spring 1 and nobody knows who you are again. You get to keep your animals and house upgrades, but there's no dating and marriage.

Island of Happiness: I love the setting and the characters, but god FUCK that weather system. Can't get shit to grow unless you obsessively track if it rains and how sunny it is and it completely ruined the game for me. I tried playing it again a couple years back and couldn't be bothered to keep tracking stuff. I never once unlocked all of the crops or livestock on any of my playthroughs. Did manage to play long enough to get married once.

SoS1: The game that convinced me to go back to buying new stuff after IoH kind of put me off new HM games for the better part of a decade (I had FoMT to replay it was fine). Liked it well enough, thought some of the characters were a bit bland, but still enjoyable enough to get married and have a kid. Unlocking all the vendors is a bitch though, and I still haven't gotten them all. A fine game, but if you're only going to play One 3DS game, I wouldn't suggest this one.

Trio of Towns: This one ties with FoMT as my favorite game! I love everything about it. The Characters, the setting and premise, the music, the depth of events. There's so much to do, there's never a boring day, but that can also feel overwhelming if you're the kind if person who tries to do everything at once. Not as easy to pick up and put down as some of the more basic games, but it's very replayable in my book and I keep coming back to it.

Pioneers of Olive Town: It's a middling game for me. Like SoS1, it's fine, but unlike SoS1, there's very little to do in the game. I completed the "main story" in less than a year without putting in much effort to complete things in a timely manner. The characters and the game had So Much Potential, particularly after 3oT, and all of it fell flat in my expectations. Plus some of the technical issues we all experienced at launch. Now, I'm still playing it, I don't hate the game, and the updates have made things better. But with the story done and all of the characters feeling a bit Flat, I'm biding my time between DLC updates to see if I want to marry any of the special candidates instead of the base game characters. I'll probably keep playing long enough to get married and probably unlock everything on the farm, but beyond that I'm not super invested.

My final verdict is, if you have a 3DS, get Trio of Towns, if you only have a Switch, get Friends of Mineral Town. If you want to put forth the time and effort into acquiring the old games, or emulating them, by all means go for it.

[jlf23tumble]

My 1D-related fic faves of 2019

I've read a TON of great fic this year in all kinds of fandoms, Jeeeeeeeeeesus, there are so many talented writers out there, but I won't list it all here (or even list everything I bookmarked this year). Instead, I'm gonna stick with 1D-related works released in 2019 that pulled me in hard and made me stare at the wall and/or read again and/or scream about with other people, and I'll try to do it in cutesie number order because WHY NOT make it that extra level of arbitrary, lmao. I love fanfic because no matter what fandom I'm dipping in, something new is gonna jump up and kill me (this year in particular, I've subscribed to a lot of "new to me" writers that I LOVE, and I hope you know who you are [do you know who you are, etc.]). Thank you for the free gifts, for your time, for your blood, sweat, and tears! I owe you hugs, coffee, and my undying love, gratitude, and support! I'll put my list under the cut to avoid some v. v. real screen scroll rage--happy new year, y'all!

2 lactation kink fics

(aka the Jaerie category, nobody else is out there writing this even as Harry's tits get bigger and milkier and why am I the only one fully appreciating all of it?????)

I Think You're Already Home, by jaerie, Seeing Louis Tomlinson today, it would be hard to guess that he was ever once a member of the world's most famous boyband. These days he doesn't even the leave his own house. The truth is he can't leave his own house. (a December gift to remember for all of us! a/b/o dynamics, famous Louis, omega Harry--which is practically canon at this point--crippling agoraphobia, lactation-related sexiness, I would read at least ten (10) more chapters of this)

freaks from the internet, by jaerie. Harry sells his breast milk to freaks on the internet. Louis turns out to be one of those freaks. He also happens to be Harry's ex. (I legit can't believe this came out this year, I rec it all the time! it was anon for forever, and I was low-key obsessed because I just wanted mawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr of it, and I got it, thank CHRIST)

3 fics for meeeeeeee

(These works were gifts to me, and I am so truly hashtag blessed to receive!!!)

I Just Wanna Taste It, by @homosociallyyours​. In his mind it's watermelon and sticky strawberry sweet, and he craves the feeling of his own round, firm belly warm under his hands on a summer evening. (Megan loves to kill me with Harry mpreg imaginings, and this one feels like canon to me!)

Powerless (and I Don't Care It's Obvious), by objectlesson/ @alienfuckeronmain​. He should not be getting turned on by Harry’s full-bladder discomfort, his little twitches, his hips-stuttering. And yet. (AND YET!!! I don't even know where to start with how much I love Phoenix, what a treasure her work is in ANY fandom, how shitty this particular fandom has been to her, how much I'm gonna miss harry/louis fic gifts from her in the future, how HOT this pee kink fic is in general, dot dot dot)

Tuxedo Classic Dance Party, by Blake/ @newleafover​. Instead of flying out to meet his touring boyfriend in Madrid, Louis sticks around to be responsible and do things like dance at Lady Gaga night at the gay cowboy club in West Hollywood. (Blake has written at least five fics in various fandoms that I would say are my favorite fics of all time, but they really topped themselves with this one!)

4 fic series

(I feel like there are probably loads more that qualify, but these ones grabbed me in their own particular way)

Not That Gone, by abrighteryellow/ @a-brighter-yellow​. Louis’s 20-year high school reunion takes a turn when a celebrity classmate – who also happens to be Louis’s long unrequited crush – unexpectedly shows up. (this was inspired by Chris Evans, and both parts stand on their own, tbh)

Maybe I Miss You, by 13ways. Louis is on his way back to London after the Hits Live Birmingham concert. Harry is flying to New York for the Met Gala. They connect. (from the very first story in this series, I was HOOKED, canon angst that builds up to something truly wonderful)

There's something I want to try..., by TheMagicWord. Harry wants to try something. Louis's not convinced. Until he is. (the installments are super short, super hot)

One More Time Again, by orphan_account. On the morning of his second sold-out performance at Madison Square Garden, Harry wakes up to find that he's sixteen years old, on The X Factor, and that he has a chance to make things right. (I'm sad that this author orphaned, but I seem to recall her getting a TON of shit, which is unfortunate because this is a great read, and part two is an imagining where Louis goes back instead)

5 fics featuring holidays

(These ones are basically from Christmas and Halloween of this year, so quite recent!!)

once bitten and twice shy, by @pinkcords​. In a rush of bravery only senior year can bring, Harry confesses his feelings in a letter to his neighbor and best friend, Louis, only for the entire school to hear it and laugh him out of their small town in Wisconsin. (the notes on this one blew me away: first-time author, pinch-hitting for a fest, and damn, a knock out)

you've set my soul to dreaming, by we_are_the_same. Thirty-year-old Harry Styles goes to bed single on Christmas Eve, only to wake up on Christmas morning with a husband in his bed and a son down the hall. (I'm not always into this trope, but when it's done well? NICE, and this one did it well)

when half spent was the night, by @juliusschmidt​. I’ve skimmed your website and am interested in hiring you to be my doula. I’m 7 ½ months pregnant and not keen to do this whole labor and birth thing alone. After looking around, I thought you might be a good fit. (girl direction advent fic with pregnant Louis that’s incredibly well done, especially given how short it is, I was so sad to see it end, but the author says something about act II coming??? YES!!!)

Fictober 2019 Collection, by flowercrownfemme/ @lesbianiconharrystyles​. Features lots of monsters and creatures and Harry Styles being a general nightmare as well as a few Girl Direction drabbles and a timestamp for Fool For You and one for Treat Mothman With Kindness. (Chloe's Halloween drabbles, each of which could outrival other stories 4x the length...she's a GIFT)

Cat & Mouse, by jaerie. It's the one day out of the year that Harry doesn't have to hide and can be himself — at least he thought so. Louis is just a little more observant than he anticipated. (I'm not a big hybrid fic fan, BUT GOD THIS STORY IS SO GOOD, it's so short I wanna cry, but so good!!!)

6 a/b/o fics

(I can handle "traditional" a/b/o if it gives me my dose of omega Harry, but I absolutely adore "untraditional" a/b/o, you know, where it actually is NOT about straight dynamics being put on a m/m or f/f couple (excuse me, a/a or o/o)...these ones NAIL IT, as did the entire gaybo ficfest)

violence of my own touch, by 14hrflight/ @silverfoxlouis​. Louis hasn’t said anything, but Harry knows something is wrong. Harry’s rut had ended a few days ago, and Louis had kept him under as best as he could. (whenever I read Chi's alpha/alpha fics, I find myself internally screaming "CHI!!!" god, do they Get It, and I really hope they continue this one!)

Amor Victorious, by HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals​. Louis finds himself following Harry on a journey through Italy, complete with long train rides, greasy food, naked Christs, and too many lingering touches. They're definitely not like other tourists and he definitely doesn't have a crush on his best friend who happens to be an alpha, too. (this one came out during Thanksgiving week, so I held it to savor, and BOY, DID I SAVOR, it's so incredible, the gorgeous writing, the visceral, indescribable feeling of reading it, sighhhhhhh)

do you know me by heart, by HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals​. Harry comes back wearing alphas' scents, a pleased smile and a lace dress. Somehow, Louis still ends up making him come until he cries. (for me personally, 2019 was the year of Nina: getting to know them, catching up on all their writing, falling in love with the way they can kill us all with beautiful angst and the hint and hope of redemption...here's a tissue, you'll need it!!)

the way that you're thrilling me, by @hereforlou​. Alphas were smelly and cocky and mostly arseholes, in Harry’s experience. Or at least they were at school. He didn’t understand how his friends—lovely, soft-skinned, sweet-smelling omegas—could actually want to touch them, or be touched by them. (this is just one of the many, MANY faves I had from the gaybo ficfest, A+ all around)

Constant Debauchery, by Blake/ @newleafover​. Harry is an alpha who loves getting his mouth knotted by other alphas. Louis is happy to serve. Fun smut! But also angst and sexual awakenings. (Blake knows how to sum up their writing, lol, but YEAH, me as at least one of the comments both public and private saying they'd want to read 100k more of this)

how many nights did I crash against the waves, by Blake/ @newleafover​ Louis is going into heat and Harry thinks it's hot. (the SKILL of writing something that's 1.7k, yet builds a complete--and v. v. hot--world)

7 fics with Harry and someone else

(I still have a few I need to read in this category--I'm getting there! But these are some from my fave authors that really had me pondering some walls [heh])

I Want Your Belly, by @glasscushion​. Harry wants Adam to knock him up. Inspired by on-stage thirst, the Instagram Stories Shirt, Watermelon Sugar, and Harry’s persistent baby fever. (Adam/Harry, mpreg kink of the finest order!!)

Rachel, Nevada, by @vondrostes​. Harry has a close sexual encounter of the fourth kind. (Jeff/Harry, Rachel/Harry, and I honestly can't even BEGIN to describe this, holy WOW)

Sea Salt, by @glasscushion​. Nick's drunk, and he can't avoid his feelings forever. Set in 2013 and 2019. (Nick/Harry, rip gryles...the grylers I know had an absolute field day in terms of angst, damn!)

all my lies are safe beside you now, by HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals​. They both know what it was like to love Louis Tomlinson fiercely, irrevocably, ghosts of it on their skin, even if the traces were etched in vastly different ways. (Zayn/Harry, and FOR REAL, this is a huge ouch)

call me anything you like, but my name is, by @wishforwishes​. Some conversations are better left forgotten, some conversations are worth remembering, and some conversations you never get the chance to have. Featuring three mentors, two tea parties, one and a half recording studios, and a reference to Archie comics. (Harry/CHASM, essentially; LISTEN, I am obsessed with this fic, you don't need to read part one to really Get It, but the bits with Zayn, and James/Ben, and all the parts with Harry working through gender? SO GODDAMNED REAL)

Come Out and Play, by @dinosaursmate​. Harry and Louis discover a new kink in their relationship, and it brings all the boys closer than they could have ever imagined. (ot5 orgy, so not really Harry with anyone so much as everyone with everyone, and let's call this one canon)

Like a Rolling Stone, by @vondrostes​. By the end of it, Nick realised his tea had gone cold in his hand. He’d barely taken a single sip in the hour-plus he’d been sat there, unmoving, transfixed by Harry’s songs—haunted by the knowledge of what had inspired them. (Nick/Harry, rip gryles)

8 canon fics

(This was a VERY hard category to narrow down, but yeah, a big push this year from "newer" writers = lots of nuanced fic)

Per Aspera, by @sedfierisentio​. Louis’s throat feels tight, his heart like a hammer in his chest. You know my rot, he thinks, and I know yours. I love you still. (these achingly beautiful time stamps are centered around taste, and if this fic has taught me anything, it's that buying an author a coffee has a ripple effect)

A Nullo Amato, by @sedfierisentio​. Inspired by Harry carrying books around outside LAX, a canon-compliant, Canon AU fic set between 2014 and 2015; mostly, timestamps roped together by a common theme—literature. (this was removed four years ago and reposted, so maybe it's a cheat??? i don't care, it was brand-new to me and a lot of other people, I'm so glad the author shared it again!)

no love like your love, by @dykes4louis​. A collection of tumblr drabbles. (Hima is REALLY burying the lede on this one because each of these is short and SCORCHING, her skill, check out her other works, too!)

Dancing in My Dreams, by @kingsofeverything​. Louis doesn't mean to imply that Harry's too old to dance for him, but Harry takes it that way, and sets out to prove him wrong. (this is one that *could* go in the series pile, but I love it as a standalone...feels like canon to me, regardless!)

Sonic Sounds, by @glasscushion​. "Harry takes a deep breath, suitably embarrassed, “I’m just really...” and he can’t say the obvious. He can’t just say "really wet." Or Harry loves feeling embarrassed. Louis is happy to help. (I'll never look at those One Direction electric toothbrushes quite the same way again)

Bruised Fruit, by @glasscushion. Louis is obsessed with the way Harry smells in the heat of LA. (hey, you know what, me, too, bitch, you ain't special...the way this fic SMELLS, my god, I"m obsessed)

be my once in a lifetime, by HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals. Just like there are only four other people who will ever understand what it’s like growing up in One Direction, there’s only one other person who knows what it’s like to find your soulmate just before you’re thrown into the spotlight and forced to acknowledge that the both of you have too many flaws and vices to make it through fame together. Or: It's all about having sex and being sad. And drunk. (can u believe Nina wrote this before Fine Line???)

in this dress, by cabinbythesea. Louis is so lost in his eyes and his words he feels if a step above heaven exists, it has to be Harry. Loosely inspired by Harry’s dress from the director’s cut of Lights Up. (I sure hope we see even more fic inspired by every bit of this album/every video it produces)

9 fics by Phoenix/ @alienfuckeronmain

(This fandom doesn't deserve her, and I hope everyone's reading her other works because they're all so amazing, she's such an incredibly gifted writer, my fave of faves, my life is so much brighter with her in it...I could rec her all goddamned day, and I do slash will!!! Here are nine she cranked out this year, each one a gem in its own way)

Silver White Winters. In which Louis catches a cloud and pins it down, aka, a Sound of Music AU (the shittiness in the comments underlines why we can't have nice things, but jesus CHRIST, this is so pure and good, and she cranked it out in, like, two hours)

I don't do that dance. Harry is easily the worst ballet dancer in her whole Intro to Ballet class. Except maybe Taylor Swift. (I adore how Phoenix writes girl Harry, but the way she writes Taylor? Unparalleled...nails her perfectly!)

magic, madness, heaven, sin, by @kerasines. It’s the flashing lights painting colors on her eyelids, it’s the drumming bass competing with her heartbeat. It’s the manic energy rippling through the crowd in waves, the deafening, frenzied passion filling the stadium that remind Eleanor that she actually used to like going to concerts. (technically, this one is FOR Phoenix, from Kim, but it takes a pairing that Phoenix is making her very own, so I'm counting it, lol)

Snakes and Stones. If you call a girl a snake enough, sometimes she becomes one. Her legs lengthen and fuse, her pupils shrink to slits. She gets colder and colder, until she has to spread herself on the warm cement beside the pool, soaking in heat, sipping gin and tonics to warm her blood so she does not turn to ice and shatter to bits. (god, I'm blanking on this ship name, but El/Taylor is such an inspired pairing, and I hope that P's drabbles make it over to ao3 in full)

Something good (will come from here). Taylor does not answer, because she is too busy licking her lips and pitching forward, as if Eleanor is the sky, or the sea. (you can practically SMELL this fic, El/Taylor drabble)

I Must Confess (I Still Believe). Harry is the new girl at an all girl Catholic Girl's School, and Louis is the unattainable, dashing senior who changes her forever. (this fic breaks my heart, the entire experience of its production and aftermath will forever be bittersweet, a gorgeous swansong)

Only One at the Finish Line. “I want to be another alpha’s omega,” is what he says, and it comes out like something reckless, something wild. Like he doesn't care anymore if Louis hates him or not, if Louis understands, he just needs to speak his truth aloud to darkness, to the slender pines that surround them like a jury panel. (Phoenix was the gaybo mod, and this was her contribution, and it is PERFECTION PERSONIFIED, fest goals)

The Pink Ghost of Princess Park. The thought of the vibrator does not go away. It’s sitting there collecting dust all through January, and every time Harry and Louis have to leave town for a press event or a show or to record or what have you, they come back home, and it’s still there, the Pink Ghost of Princess Park, the fucking glittery haunting that Harry cannot stop thinking of Louis stuffing up his arse. (a very good year in general for Princess Park clapbacks)

Life Saver. Louis is a sweetheart punk with a theater background and a heart of gold, Harry is an inexperienced nerd who plays by the rules. Classmates, lab partners, and eventually friends, what happens when Louis knows he’s in love, but doesn’t know how tell Harry? (this one came out a year ago tomorrow, and it had a tough birthing process, but it's so good, so hot, my love for virgin Harry gettin’ it on knows no bounds)

10 AU fics

(yes, yes, this could be LOADS longer, but I’m sticking to my theme!)

breathless for an eternity, by cabinbythesea. Harry conquers double duty on SNL and Louis wishes he was Nick Jonas. (dangggg, this came out too late for me to rec it along with my other snl-related fic, but it joins that lofty canon!)

Pretty Baby, by @littlelouishiccups. Louis helps Harry unwind after a busy week. (I was NOT expecting a new chapter in the iconic sugar baby Harry series, but HERE WE ARE)

into another (another) serotonin overflow, by @mercutionotromeo. Sweet first time sex wherein Harry's adorably awkward, Louis is achingly cool, and Harry rides Louis wearing his jersey. (this is one of my all-time fave fics, and I'm not sure what changed in it to get it reposted, but yeah, HERE FOR IT, THANK YOU!!!)

'Sup, by @mediawhorefics. All Louis wants is to finish the play he’s been commissioned to write, but one of the regulars at his local coffee shop keeps distracting him. ft. older larry, pushy gemma, harry being a disaster gay and silver fox louis. (this is so short but so tantalizing, GOD, DO I WANT MORE OF THIS UNIVERSE)

Tan Lines and Some Memories, by twoshipstiedup. Harry Styles is the indie movie darling he’d been avoiding ever since Louis saw his movie at Cannes and harbored an unreasonable grudge against him. A unicorn t-shirt finally brings them together in person. (I honestly thought we'd get more unicorn shirt fic, but this is a wonderful standard-bearer, banter city)

Bitter Tangerine, by purpledaisy/ @daisyharry. Nine months after they break up, a twist of fate brings Harry and Louis back together at Christmas. (so much ouch in this, but wow, do you feel like you're reading fully realized, realistic, growing characters)

We're Driving in Your Fast Car, by @sadaveniren. Harry felt himself light up - both with excitement and the thrill of getting what he wanted. “Really?” “Of course, anything for you." aka Louis and Harry are car thieves about to pull off a million dollar job. (another one I'd love to read more of...how did they get here, where are they going, etc.)

remember you well, by @fondleeds. Harry’s a criminal, Louis’ a cop, and they’re stranded overnight at the Motel 6. (what's with me and my love of heist/caper fics this year?)

Tied Down, by HamPalpert/ @ham-palpert. The most interesting case in Liam and Niall's careers falls directly into their laps, courtesy of an epic fuck-up of one Harry Styles, partner to the almost-infamous drug dealer Louis Tomlinson. The investigation yields an unexpected yet satisfactory outcome for Liam and Niall. For Harry and Louis, however, things are far more complicated. (SEE ABOVE, JESUS, I THINK ABOUT THIS FIC...ALL...THE.......TIME)

Harry Styles Cooks..., by sunsetmog. Louis owns all of Harry Styles’ cookbooks, and he never intends to cook a single thing out of any of them. (yeah, it's a wip, yeah, I flatline every time it updates, what of it, I'm living my best life vicariously through it!!)

[thinkyoureholy]

Soul Eater [6]

[A/n: Aahh I'm posting a day early but I didn't want to leave y'all with nothing for 3 weeks. I'll be going on a short break since my finals start in 2ish weeks and I need to really study for these test to not tank the class. Soul Eater will be back December 15th!]

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Pairing : Jung Yunho / [fem] Reader

Genre : Angst, Violence, Language, Fluff, Smut, Character Death?, Demon! AU

Words : 2.6k

Pt 1. Pt 2. Pt 3. Pt 4. Pt 5. Pt 6. Pt 7. Pt 8. Pt 9.

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

-Yunho’s P.O.V-

I paced in front of her door, my thoughts running at a million miles per second. It had been almost two weeks since the last time I saw her and I was worried sick. I tried to stay away, knowing that she told me not to contact her until she was fully healed but I couldn’t keep my mind off of her. The image of her injured body flashed in my mind every time I closed my eyes but what really had me on edge were the last few words she said to me before leaving to her apartment

“I'd hate to have to see you turn into a demon, you alone are meant for salvation ...not damnation.”

I figured selling my soul to a demon would send me straight to Hell but I didn’t know it would also make me a demon after I died. Truth be told after hearing that I regretted selling my soul in the first place but that regret didn’t last long. It scared me to think about turning into a demon but that fear vanished when I realized...Y/N would be there with me. We’d be able to spend hundreds of years together. But the fact that I'm okay with being a demon if that meant still being able to see her...it was a telltale sign of what I felt towards her.

"Are you going to just pace in front of my door all day or are you going to come in?"

I was snapped out of my thoughts the moment I heard her voice, my mind going blank the moment I saw her face. The claw marks...they were gone...not even so much as a scar was left behind. Without thinking I reached out and cupped her face in my hands, moving her head from side to side as I took a closer look. Again, without much thought I grabbed her arms, pulling up her sleeves to see that the crumbling effect her left arm  had was all but gone, the gash on her right bicep also gone. I looked back up into her eyes, shocked with how quickly she’s healed.

“You know this could also be a form of harassment you know? Touching me without my consent.” She deadpanned, the look in her eyes as guarded as ever.

I quickly took my hands off her, taking a step back, “Sorry...I just...I can’t believe it. I didn’t think you would be able to heal this quickly. I mean in those three days I watched over you...it…” I trailed off, at a loss for words.

She smiled softly, but it wasn’t one that had my heart racing...it was a sad one, my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach.

“I’m not human remember? The wounds were just deep so I was having trouble healing on my own but...I had some help from an old friend.”

“You have friends?” I blurted out without thinking.

Shit...I really gotta stop doing that. Before I knew it she had punched me straight in the chest. It wasn’t particularly hard but there was a small throbbing sensation that still spread out over my chest. I winced as I rubbed over the spot her fist made contact with.

“You’re lucky I didn’t punch through your sternum. And I have friends! Or rather...one friend. He’s annoying but he’s the only other demon I can stand and trust.” She snapped, her voice falling in volume to longer she spoke.

Without another word she then turned on her heel and made her way into her apartment. I half expected her to slam the door in my face like she had done so many times before but she left it wide open, her invitation to come in replaying in my mind. I smiled to myself as I stepped inside her apartment, closing the door behind me and following her to the living room. I couldn’t help but look around, seeing that her place didn’t have much but the necessities. She had a couch, a coffee table, a book shelf stocked full with books, and that’s about it. She didn’t have a tv or any other decorations put up.

“You don’t even have a tv? What do you do in your free time then?” I asked as I sat down on the couch.

“I don’t really have much free time...well until now actually. It’s been awhile since I’ve been directly involved in a deal like this so I have more time to myself than I did before.” She explained, heading into the kitchen.

“You don’t know how to work a tv do you?”

I don’t know what led me to ask that question but I kind of wanted to keep the conversation going. This is one of the first times I’ve gotten to talk to her for so long without her being hostile with me. She seems more relaxed than usual so I thought this could be my chance to finally get to know her and start breaking down the many walls she had surrounded herself with.

“I know how to work a tv...I’m not an idiot.” She retorted with a scoff, turning on her heel to face me, “I might have been raised in an entirely different century but I’ve had to keep up with technology as its come out. Speaking of which you humans just keep coming out with new things every year, I’m surprised you haven’t figured out how to clone yourselves yet. I guess that’s a good thing since you’ll be playing God at that point.”

I watched her intently as she rambled on. I don’t think she realized that she was just saying whatever came to mind. This is the first time she’s ever done this around me, I couldn’t help but let a smile tug at my lips as I listened to her. I’m guessing she’s just comfortable enough around me to ramble on the way she was, this was a good sign. But the smile I had on my face fell the moment I saw her wince ever so slightly, her hand resting over her side...right where her ribs were. That action reminded me of her injuries and why I had come up here in the first place.

“Y/N?”

She hummed, waiting for me to continue, leaning against the counter as she continued to hold onto her side.

"Are you really alright?" I asked, hoping she'd tell me the truth.

"I told you already. I'm as good as new. I just needed that extra push and a little bit of rest and poof, back to indestructible demon once more." She rambled animatedly.

I couldn't help but smile at seeing this, even though I knew she was lying through her teeth. It warmed and broke my heart at the same time to know she was lying for my sake...but she didn't really have to. She then went on to talk about something completely different, rambling once more. As I listened to her talk I was reminded by her words the other day...once again they rang loud in my mind.

"Y'know...to me at least...being a demon doesn't sound like such a bad idea…" I mumbled to myself, or at least I thought I did.

Y/N heard every word, the hint of a smile that had been on her face all but vanished the moment she heard me. A look I had never seen before fell over her eyes. Truth be told I was starting to feel a little bit scared the longer she looked at me like that. Just when I thought she'd just continue to stare at me with that deadly look in her eyes she spoke.

"You--you have no idea what it's like so don't go saying that ever again, am I clear?" She said through her teeth, the look in her eyes intensifying.

"But...it--it doesn't seem all that bad. I mean you get to live for hundreds and hundreds of years, you're basically immortal and-"

She cut me off by slamming her fist on the countertop, the tile covering it shattered into pieces. Her eyes had shifted entirely, her demonic eyes staring straight into my soul.

"It doesn't seem all that bad? Really?" She questioned rhetorically, the look on her face making my whole body tremble in fear, "You have absolutely no idea what they do to you down there the first twenty years. They break you in every which way; emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually, any way they can find to break you they'll do it and do it ten times over. By the end of it you'll be begging for them to just kill you, anything to get the pain to stop. And once your twenty years are up your transformation finally begins. The pain of your body changing is of course nothing compared to the pain you endured for twenty years."

She took calm collective steps towards me, towering over me as I stayed glued to the couch, too frightened to move, "And when they send you up to Earth?" She paused to chuckle dryly, staring down at her clawed hand, "You go on a murder spree. Seeing humans so carefree makes something in you snap. You think to yourself, 'Why do they get to smile? Why do they get to laugh like that? How come they get to be oblivious to the pains of the world? Why? Why me? Why did I have to endure so much, in both my human and demon life, why?' And that's when you kill your first human. And no, oh no it doesn't just end with one. By the time you come to your senses you've killed hundreds, their blood running down your fingers and staining your skin for all of eternity."

She leaned down, resting a hand on the back of the couch behind me, our faces mere inches apart. She stared at me silently for a moment before she sprouted her wings, the appendages hanging over me menacingly. I cowered back into the couch, trying to create some space between the two of us but she wasn't having it. She reached out and grabbed my collar, keeping me in place as she leaned in closer.

"You have no idea what it's like so don't go casually saying shit like that. The way we're made is not something to be taken lightly, especially not by a worthless human who has had everything handed to him his entire life." She spat out, reaching up to forcefully grab my chin with her fingers, "I've been patient with you, I was even willing to risk everything to cancel our deal but now? Now you can forget about it. I'm not about to save a human who takes demons so lightly, I don't care how clean and pure your soul is. If you don't see anything wrong with being a demon then you deserve to burn."

With that she shoved my face away from her, straightening back out. She turned on her heel and gave me her back to me.

"Get out before I hurt you."

I stared at the back of her head, stunned at her words but then I swallowed down the fear that had been bubbling up inside me since the moment this whole conversation started. I stood up from the couch, refusing to collapse even though my legs felt like they would give out any second. I reached out tentatively, placing my hand on her shoulder as gently as I could.

"You're not gonna hurt me. If--if you really wanted to you would have already. Look, I'm sorry about what I said. I know I was wrong now. I...I should have never said anything because you're right, I have no idea what it's like and--and I'm sorry." I paused, feeling a lump in my throat the moment I felt her shoulders start to shake, "But please, don't--don't shut me out. I won't bring it up ever again please just...just let me stay by your side."

She jumped at those words, returning back to normal, her demonic side hiding under the surface once more, "You don't know what you're asking, Yunho. I'm not someone that can-"

"I don't care about any of that! I don't care! I…I can't stand to be pushed away...not anymore...not by you."

-? P.O.V-

"She's really gone soft hasn't she?" I asked, disgusted with what I was watching.

I scoffed as I watched her stare at the ground, almost gagging at the look she had in her eyes. He and I shared a look, a smirk making its way onto his face.

"We should toughen her back up don't you think?" 

The smirk he wore grew into a grin, mischief shining in his eyes. I simply smiled back, a devilish look creeping into my eyes.

"That's the best I idea you've ever had. I think it's time we pay Y/N and her pet a little visit in the human realm."

…...

-Y/N's P.O.V-

I closed the door, leaning my back against it. It took awhile to get Yunho to leave. He kept insisting that he wouldn't move a muscle until he was convinced I was no longer angry with him. After ten minutes of tell him that I wasn't mad he finally left, saying he'd be back tomorrow. I let my eyes close for a moment, sighing heavily as I replayed all the events from the night, a particular sentence I uttered rang louder than the others.

"If you don't see anything wrong with being a demon then you deserve to burn."

Ah...now I've done it. Now how am I supposed to bring up the cancellation of the deal? I basically told him he's on his own and-- I groaned, cutting my thoughts off, rubbing my hands over my face.

"I can't believe just how far you've actually fallen."

That voice! I shifted immediately, getting into a fighting stance but I wasn't quick enough. I struggled against his grip, my internal wound still not completely healed, my movements slowed by them. I clawed at the hand he had around my throat, glaring down at him as he lifted me up high into the air, my feet dangling.

"Ceri," I spat out, the anger in my eyes intensifying the moment I saw him smirk, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?"

His smirk turned into a grin, our surroundings changing in the blink of an eye, "I'm just following orders, I'm sure you don't mind...right? This very important person wanted to see you and I just couldn't find it in me to refuse her."

My ears perked up as he spoke, hearing the sound of footsteps approaching us. It didn't take me very long to figure out who this "her" was. There's only one bitch in hell that has Ceri at her beck and call and has the gall to do something like this. She stepped out of the shadows, her violet colored eyes glowing as the moonlight reflected off of them. I dug my claws into Ceri's wrists the moment my eyes met hers, twisting the bones in his arm seconds later. He let out a cry of pain, letting me go to cradle his arm close to his chest. I landed on my feet, shaking Ceri's blood off my fingers. Rolling my shoulders I felt my wings extend, my rage unmatched about being summoned to a place like this by a cunt like her.

"Pride...you have a lot of fucking guts doing this. I take it you finally want to die today, huh?" I asked with a growl, seeing her eyes waver at the sight of me but she stood her ground.

Fine. If it's a fight she wants it's a fight she's gonna get.

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Tags : @chanyeolol​

[tsghuntsvillealabama]

#stayconnectedHUNTSVILLE

This is our home. And even during these crazy times, living and loving local is even more important than ever! We can still support small businesses and community in Huntsville and our surrounding areas! In order to help everyone with this we have pulled some info about local members and our fair city to do just that!

Take care and be well everyone!

xoxo (but with elbow bumps now), Dawn

Updated: Monday, April 14th - 12:27am

Local Info About Our City of Huntsville

Huntsville City Resource and Information page, remember there are live media briefings weekdays at Noon

Huntsville City Council met on Monday, March 16th and unanimously voted for a state of emergency, The State of Alabama has issued a “Stay at Home” Public Health Order requiring individuals to remain in place at home with exceptions for essential work and certain activities such as buying groceries, going for a run, walking the dog, picking up medicine, visiting a doctor and traveling to and from work (if designated as an essential business or operation). 6 feet of social distance is necessary for all activities.

The order is in effect from 5 p.m. April 4 through 5 p.m. April 30, or extended to further contain the spread of COVID-19 in Huntsville and Madison County.

Downtown Huntsville has a great running list of Downtown Huntsville Restaurants & Retail Stores Expanding Delivery Due To Coronavirus Measures

Huntsville Madison County Chamber also has a good list of local restaurants offering take-out and delivery

WLRH has started a running list of How to Help in the TN Valley

Here is a good list of School and College Closings

Randolph School has a really good centralized information resource page

Efforts for collecting food for kiddos who could go without because of school closures can be found here via Native or Not and Touronimo! 

Huntsville Symphony Orchestra has canceled events through the end of March, more info can be found here.

US Space and Rocket Center will be closed till April 3rd.

Update from Progress Bank: Beginning Monday, March 23, our branch lobbies will be accessed by appointment only by calling 888.513.2288. All normal transactions will occur via our drive thru lanes or via curbside service in the absence of a drive-thru. For Business Banking, Private Banking, Mortgage Services and Financial Services, please contact your banker or advisor directly. If you need to access your safe deposit box, please call 888.513.2288. Electronic services: Access Online Banking here, Access Mobile Banking for Apple and Android devices

Burritt on the Mountain is closed until Friday, April 3rd, following the school system closure.

Lowe Mill Arts and Entertainment also follows Huntsville City Schools protocol and will be closing the mill to the public starting Monday, March 16 and could re-open on April 4th. They encourage and welcome everyone to explore their website online so you can get to know all their local artists and makers!

Direct from Fantasy Playhouse Children’s Theatre:  “All Classes are postponed immediately. We will not have class from March 16, 2020-April 3, 2020. As of now, we will resume class on April 6, 2020. Subject to change based on the CDC and school closures. Spring Break Camp is cancelled and After School Programs are cancelled. If you have questions about camps or classes, please email Candice at EducationDirector@FantasyPlayhouse.com. All other questions please email ExecutiveDirector@FantasyPlayhouse.com. We did not make the decision to close camps and classes lightly and understand the burden that it places on families. We hope you take solace in knowing that this act of social distancing will help our city curb the spread of this terrible illness and keep you and your loved ones safer. Despite the significant challenges this crisis poses, we are a resilient, loving community, and we know that we will get through this together. We speak on behalf of all faculty and staff when we say we look forward to the time when our students can return to their classes and we can gather together as a community once again. Until then, thank you as always for your patience and cooperation.” 

Decatur-Morgan Co. Chamber: Approximately 80 percent of your chamber’s membership is small business. It is everything from restaurants to retail to consulting to technology to real estate to the arts and so much more. They are a vital part of our economy and the personality of our community. In light of public health concerns, many of them will be struggling due to social distancing and limited public engagement. So, how can you help? Take a look at this infographic and transition your commerce to both support business and to protect yourself from risk. What are other ways we can support small business? Together, we can do this!

Mark and Ron of In Bloom are offering curb-side pick up from their Five Points location. And they are also making fantastic use of their downtime and started a new all wedding instagram that is already starting to fill up with gorgeous flowers! Be sure and give them a follow on insta! 

Shop & Learn From Home or Curbside

Consider gift certificates and purchasing future classes for later from local places who have either sanitized and stayed open or bravely closed their doors to help flatten the curve.

Elitaire Boutique has a great website to shop from! If you have sizing questions Kayla suggests calling one of their stylist - and they are even offering curb-side pick up or delivery straight to your door (within a 10 mile radius). They are also offering free shipping for the next two weeks! And now you can book a private shopping appointment with us! This way you and up to two of your best girlfriends can grab your favorite items at a discount in a clean, safe (and fun!) stress-free environment. Call for your appointment: 256.947.0618

Carriage House will porch deliver & pick up at no charge. You can call them at 256.355.4349 & they will put a box of Spring styles together for you. You won’t even have to leave the house!

Personal Couture is starting front porch, contactless drop offs and pick ups for purchases and consignment!

Direct from Vertical House Records: “Ok y'all. Wednesday will be the last day you will be able to access Vertical House Records unless the Mill figures out a way to keep the gates open. So if you wanna stock up before we all go into hiding, swing through on Wednesday. After that, Andy and I will be trying to brainstorm ways to get music to all of you fine folks. Since our 25,000 albums don't have barcodes, it's a bit tough to get our inventory online quickly. Therefore, we will be accepting lists of your "apocalypse albums" and doing the digging for you. If we have it, we can generate an invoice on paypal and once it's been paid, we can deliver or ship it out to yas! We also have gift certificates available should you want to buy one now and save it for when you can come dig yourself! You are welcome to paypal verticalhouse@gmail.com and note "gift certificate" and you will have instant credit with us woo!! We have and always will appreciate you fine Huntsvillians! Thanks so much for your continued support throughout the years. May we all come out of this safe and sound! We love you all! <3″

Jill’s Studio of Dance  - TBD

The Topiary Tree  - TBD

Eat Out, At Home

GrubSouth has a little bit of everything! If you want a huge variety of great local food delivered straight to your door take a peek at their menus - and now you can select a no-contact delivery option where they will leave it at your door!

Domaine South has closed their doors for two weeks as of March 20th.

Church Street Family is still available for carry-out - this includes: Pourhouse and Mazzara’s  Purveyor, Church Street Wine Shoppe

Straight to Ale is available through GrubSouth for our delivery food options, or come pick up a take out order! We’ve got crowlers, growlers, spirits, and food! Open 12-8pm daily.

Sweet City Micros delivers! You can order each week by Thursday for Friday delivery. 

Piper and Leaf  Shop updates as of Monday, March 16: - P&L x Constitution Park curbside, pickup, and delivery. - P&L x Strong Station curbside, pickup, and delivery. - P&L x Pizitz food Hall pickup, and delivery. - P&L x Lowe Mill curbside, pickup, and delivery. And they have amplified sanitation procedures greatly

We discovered this great reference list for local vendors from Lindsey Keane for The Market at MidCity and wanted to be sure all our awesome local supporters knew about it! There are local eggs, veggies, fruit, honey, meats, breads and microgreens from Sweet City Micros all available with a phone call or email! 

Specifically for Ledges Members - Beginning Tuesday, 3/17/2020, The Ledges will offer meals to-go in two formats: Take-Out Meals where Members can order from our dining menus, and our staff will prepare the meals and have them ready for pick up & Pre-Prepared Meals - A daily special will be advertised to the membership. These will be pre-prepared, fully cooked meals the members can then take home and heat with the provided instructions.  

Coronavirus Information and Updates

Centers for Disease Control

World Health Organization

Hudson Alpha Sharable Science

[baronvontribble]

Classic WoW tips and tricks

There's a lot of guides popping up lately about how to make money in classic WoW. How to be good at classic WoW. How to be successful in raids or lategame content. But there's a lot of things that i haven't seen those guides mention. And more often than not, when I watch videos about big Youtubers playing Classic WoW, they're getting a lot of things wrong about how things used to work.

So this is going to be a nice, helpful list that will provide a second opinion on some of the things I've noticed Youtubers getting wrong, whether they're doing it as they play or as they make their own nice, helpful lists. Because Classic WoW matters a lot to me, and I'd like it if y'all went into it being as well-informed as possible so you don't instantly ragequit over something that someone else said was totally a feature.

1. Enough with the advice about two complementary professions on the same character. You know what there were a lot of back in the day? Farming alts. Crafting alts. You wanna min-max? Put Engineering and Enchanting on your main, have an alt that does Tailoring and Alchemy, and then another alt that does Herbalism and Mining. You'll have all the raid potions and enchants you'll need on your main - plus goblin jumper cables - and all the bags you'll ever need on all of them. And after everyone's kitted out, all you have to do is sit back and sell infinite shirts on the auction house until you frustrate everyone else into abandoning the shirt market, thus being able to set your own prices. Capitalism!

2. No, you can't switch gear in combat. Just weapons. Sorry. Yeah, I saw this one in some dude's vid and it really bugged me. So consider this one a general PSA more than anything.

3. Need money for your first mount? I know just the place. So, outside every dungeon in Classic, there were always elite critters just itching to eat you. And they had a tendency to drop more of whatever their less elite cousins dropped, while still spawning at about the same rate that other things might. As such, they were very easy to farm. Now, what do humanoids drop? Well, generally speaking it's mainly cloth and money. But since they're elite, they drop even MORE cloth and money. Pro-tip though, do this on either a warlock or a hunter so you don't spend more on repairs than you end up making. 'Cause yeah. That's a thing. Oh, and speaking of which...

4. REPAIR BILLS SUCK. Listen, Classic is going to be a very different place than modern WoW. It is basically a pre-inflation market. And early on before you've found any dungeon success, you are going to essentially be stuck in a horrific cycle of liquid assets until you manage to either find a rich guild to sponge off of, or dig yourself miraculously out of the hole. You have to pay for EVERYTHING. New skill levels, new patterns, weapon proficiencies, you name it. And you'll want to avoid those early costs associated with death as often as possible. So go ahead and roll that BM hunter farming alt first, and accept that their sad proletariat-level gear will always make them look like a clown vomited on them, because you do NOT want to be a priest main stuck in a debt-hole. Seriously, take it from someone who's been there.

5. Roll Horde, damn it. Okay, so there's actually some fun facts to back this one up. Statistically speaking, pre-Burning Crusade, the Horde had a pretty severe population problem. It was so bad that if you were Alliance and queued for a battleground at the time, you'd end up with a nightmarishly long queue time as you waited for enough Horde players to show up to match you. The Alliance also had flooded markets, horrendous lag in their cities, lame pre-60 mounts, and a black dragon in their throne room because Anduin was like 5 at the time and Varian was off being feral. If you roll Horde, you will not have to deal with these things. You will have cool technicolor undead horses and dire wolves. You will have short queue times and markets that are easy to manipulate. You will have less lag and a leader who's both debatably sensible and not 5 years old. So go Horde. Make the run to Orgrimmar and max out your rep so you can have a pupper. Embrace the short queue times. Who needs to be pretty? Not you. You'll love it, I promise.

6. You need to be okay at listening to instructions. And navigation. Back in the day, they didn't show you on the minimap where your quest was. You had to find the critters or the objects to pick up all by yourself, based on clues given to you by the text. Sometimes along the way you'd find even more quests, giving way to organically chained events and surprising little easter eggs as you went. But all this assumes that you're able to navigate based on things other than a minimap, something you might be a bit rusty with. And that's okay! It's alright to be rusty. This isn't a skill anyone's really had to use lately. Just be aware of it, alright? Don't feel bad if you need to explore a place to get your bearings. On the bright side, a lot of these classic WoW zones are actually really easy to navigate by sight alone because of how distinctive they are. No random mishmash of vivid colors and shapes here; one part of old Azeroth is not going to look like another part of old Azeroth through sheer visual clutter alone. It'll just take some getting used to, that's all. And now for a few short ones, such as...

7. Dismiss your pet before you jump down. You will wipe your entire group if you do not do this.

8. Bubble-hearthing is a thing, but Please Don't. I'm sure you think you're hilarious, but you're almost certainly the only one who thinks that.

9. Remember to keep food around for your pet if you're a hunter. This one's self-explanatory.

10. Don't kill yourself with your own spells. Remember when that was a thing? Yeah, y'all gotta actually be careful on your warlocks now. And you have to actually trade healthstones to people!

11. If you're a mage, you're gonna make bank on portals. Charge for that shit. You earned it if you've leveled high enough to make 'em.

12. Alliance players, buy every kitten you see and throw them on the neutral auction house. You will make bank doing this. If you ignored my earlier "go Horde" statement or just have an Alliance alt to see what the other side's like, then this one's directed at you. Cats on the Horde auction house are worth their weight in gold. You can set the price abusively high and we Horde players will still thank you. Because cats.

And that's the list! Hope it helps. <3

[ananxioussheep]

My Miscarriage Journey

Today: Tuesday, October 1st 

On October 1st, 2019 our journey of parenthood was put on an indefinite pause. What started as a routine check-up for the day became our worst nightmare. The second you find out you're pregnant is the most exciting and terrifying moment. You immediately change everything you are doing to ensure your baby is healthy. For me, unfortunately, our baby was not going to be. When I met my midwives that morning I went in for a Doppler check. My midwife was going to look around to find our baby's heartbeat. We couldn't find it the week before. She told me before she had even started last week not to worry if that happened since the baby could be behind my pubic bone or could still just be too small. When we didn't hear it we scheduled a recheck for next week once the baby grew a little more and I kept my bladder full for the check so that my uterus would hopefully be in a better position to finally meet our baby. Three midwives tried with no success. They told me a number of things could be happening, maybe I'm not as far along as we all thought, maybe my uterus wasn't shaped the way it was supposed and baby is just in a different spot, or maybe I was experiencing what is called a missed miscarriage. I left their center and headed to get an ultrasound. Jacob was at work for the day because we thought I was going to be having an easy check-up and I would be leaving with a video for him so he could meet our baby. When I got to the radiology center and saw what was happening I immediately knew this wasn't good. I spent a long year as a vet tech and have seen lots of ultrasounds. I had lots of pregnant friends and knew what I should see. I have a biology degree and have studied a lot of reproduction. When the tech turned the screen my way I saw my uterus. And I saw where my baby should be and wasn't. She decided she wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound to be sure. If you know what this is then you know this is the last thing you want to be doing as your fighting back tears waiting for the inevitable. We found that although I was past 12 weeks, my baby stopped developing around week 7. My body still thought (and still thinks as I write this) that I was pregnant. I now have to walk around for who knows how many days still being pregnant and waiting to labor this child. Jake and I spent the day sobbing. Wondering what we could have done differently. I spent my time talking with God. Asking him if he had changed his mind about thinking if I was going to be a good mother. We told our family and friends and bosses that we would be missing for a while. That we were not going to be meeting our sweet baby in April. That our dream was ending for now. And that we wanted some time and space to process. Right now it's 6 am. I've fallen asleep for 2 hours. My mind can not shut off. I can't stop thinking about how this fight isn't over and I still have to “have” this baby. I can't stop thinking about the fact that we already announced because things were good. I was really sick for weeks so that must mean we have a healthy baby. My body still thinks I'm pregnant. I spent 4 hours last night having reflux and puking. But I still have not had a bit of spotting. We haven't taken a step toward “having” this baby. Part of me wonders if I just keep going along like I'm pregnant maybe God will perform a miracle. But most of me doesn't want to hold onto any hope because that would hurt more. It's crazy how quickly the best season of your life turns into the worst. 

72 Hours Later: Friday, October 4th 

Take day 3. It's been over 72 hours since we found out we lost this baby. I haven't made any progress in “having” this baby. I am angry. And I'm drinking and I'm almost entirely dependent upon my anxiety medication. My husband who never cries is crying a lot and I don't know how to help. I'm ready to have this child, bury this child, and begin to move on. This is the most challenging, devastating, and world-altering. I have so many doubts? Will I ever be able to be a mother? I want to try now, as soon as possible, but Jake's pain is too much to get there now. Will I ever heal from this? Am I capable of going on? 

6 Days Later: Monday, October 7th

Yesterday I called my midwife sobbing. I just can't wait for my body to do this anymore. I can't keep walking around like everything is fine with my lifeless angel inside me. Help. I'll get the pill on Tuesday. I'm reading the same scriptures over and over and over. Jake finished a 1000 piece puzzle in 8 hours and didn't sleep last night. I hid in the office at work all day because I can't afford to not be there. Worship music non-stop. Jesus as much as possible. And literal devastation. How can you miss something that's still inside you? We decided to name our baby even though we don't know what it is. Our baby deserves a name. Emerson, it means brave and powerful (I just keep referring to her as Emmie because I had so many dreams about it being a girl). Exactly what our angel is. And exactly what we will have to be these next few months. I'm planning a tattoo of rosemary their purple blooms which signify love and remembrance and I've decided our baby is a honeybee. All my dreams and plans during this pregnancy have been around bees. When I looked up their meaning I found that they extract sweetness from life, and represent abundance, brightness, and personal power. Because of our sweet little baby bee our family will learn all of these things this season. And now, we wait to finally do this tomorrow; have this baby. 

Tuesday, October 8th, 11:55 PM

Preparing for a long night ahead as I FINALLY started bleeding. As absolutely devastating as this moment is I'm so relieved to finally let this baby move through my body naturally and I'm it's timing. I was scheduled to pay another $300 tomorrow for another ultrasound for confirmation to get the medication. I am praying to God and have been asking him to let this be the way this happens. So now. At midnight Jacob and I are running to Walmart for freaking incontinence pads for old people. All because we decided we wanted to love each other a little tonight and I guess that's all baby needed. To know Jake and I still love each other. (He will literally hate me for that but guess what most happy marriages have sex lives, it's totally biblical y'all). Part of me feels terrible for celebrating right now and I know it won't feel like this as the pain and bleeding continue but right now, I'm proud of Jake and me for getting through this and so proud of our baby for trying as hard as it could in this short little life. 

Wednesday, October 9th, 10:00 AM

Well, I barely bled at all so to the Dr. we go to get this process rolling for real. Last night I held my tummy and told my baby how proud I am of him or her. It fought so hard for this life. And it's fighting so hard to get to the other side of this life. I'm so ready for us all to be at rest and be ready to heal. Jacob and I are realizing how perfect God's timing is. Although we were pretty annoyed when we didn't get to go on our Labor Day cruise I can now see that God perfectly planned this time away for us. I'm believing it's going to be so healing. And it also helps give me perspective that God knows exactly what he's doing with this little babe. They were just too precious to be earthside. I find a lot of comfort knowing we have a personal angel caring for us from above. 

Wednesday 5:30 PM 

Here we go. Pain. Cramps. Aches. I'm tired already and it hasn't even begun. 

Thursday, October 10th, 1:00 AM

3 pills in. I'm finally losing my mind. I just woke up Jake with my crying because I officially feel like I have lost at the game of life. I currently feel insufficient as a wife, a friend, an employee, and especially as a mom. I'm looking back on this year and honestly, it has been the most miserable and lonely year of my life. And this moment has been by far the hardest. There is no pain that can compare to watching pieces and clumps of cells that should have been your child fall out of you. And having to force your body to do it with pill after pill because after 7 weeks it still won't understand that it's not going to have this baby. I don't recognize myself or my life anymore. For the past 8 weeks we've known about this baby I finally felt purposed again. I was working toward a goal. A life that I saw so much fulfillment in. And all of a sudden it's just gone. Nothing can prepare you for these moments. I'm so deeply pressed for anyone who has ever and will ever do this and I'm trying to imagine how I will dig myself out of this. Here's what I know, one, I will not apologize for doing the things that are best for me and two, I will speak up about this experience as much as possible because this baby deserves a memory and this experience deserves to be de-stigmatized. My head is throbbing, my back is throbbing, the pain is so deep in my abdomen that I am nauseous yet nothing else is happening. I'm just exhausted. Physically, Spiritually, Emotionally. I'm fried. 

Thursday: 8:30 AM 

I was wondering why everyone kept saying you would know when it happened because I really didn't think I would know, but then it happened. Feeling dizzy, nauseous, and a little more empty. I love you little babe. 

Friday, October 11th

Today we took what remained of our little and planted a tree. It’s the first thing I see every day when I walk in the door. 

Sunday, October 13th - Sunday, October 20th

Time for “vacation” In the photos we took and posted are beautiful mountain ranges, conquered fears, crystal clear oceans, and lots of smiles. On the other side of those photos was a lot of time spent mourning and grieving. While I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to have moments like these it does not change how hard these past few days/weeks have been. I'm so proud of the steps Jacob and I took to enjoy this vacation as much as we could. I'm happy to say we have learned so much and are a stronger couple now than we were just weeks ago. But I would be lying if I uploaded all those smiles and didn't share the tears that were behind them each and every day. At the dinner table. On the beach. At the top of a mountain. There's no convenient time to suffer loss. While others might forget, Jacob and I will not. While others might feel it's time to move on, I'm not ready to. While others think we are supposed to smile, we have to cry. Don't mistake this for a pity party, but understand that miscarriage is excruciating on your mind, body, and soul. It's time we start being more honest with ourselves and others with the state of our hearts. I wanted to shed some light on our week. I wish I could say our vacation was all I hoped for and that I experienced so much healing during this time as I wished I was going to, but I didn't. I hope this encourages someone else today to know that it's ok to not be ok for a while and to be a little more honest with themselves and others about the state of their heart. I'm confident God has a plan for this as he works all together for good. 

Monday, October 21st 

I went back to work today and spent the night before sleeping a total of 2 hours and having panic attacks all night long. I spent my lunch break having one of the worst panic attacks I ever had, my breathing was so stifled I almost called 911 I was sure I was going to pass out. I walked away into the back office and cried for over an hour because someone asked me if I had kids… I’m feeling like it’s impossible to live in this world now. This whole process and loss hurts more now than it did when I found out or as I was living the miscarriage itself.  I am literally dragging myself out of bed day to day as a necessity and 3 times my normal dose of meds still aren't doing the job. So I guess the whole gist of this whole story is… It’s ok to not be ok... 

...I struggled with where to end this post because truly the end of this post isn’t the end of this process, but I hope this gives you insight into the brokenness of this process for so many women. I’m happy to answer any and all questions surrounding this devastating situation. Education is power, in all circumstances. 

[snkpolls]

SnK S3E12  Poll Results (Manga Reader Version)

The poll closed with 487 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that this is the results of the manga reader poll. Anime only watchers are suggested not to read if you do not wish to be spoiled about certain events! Anime only viewers, click here to view your poll results!

RATE THE EPISODE 481 Responses

The final episode of the first half of S3 was another banger with positive reactions. Compared to earlier in the season when manga readers seemed more dissatisfied with the adaptation, we are happy to see that the final episodes of the arc turned out to be a much more positive experience!

Considering this episode was essentially just the calm before the storm, I was pleasantly entertained by it. Not the best episode because not a whole lot happened, but still it did what it needed to do.

I was super worried they would change something in this episode but thank Ymir-sama it's okay.

IT WAS AWESOME AND THAT ENDING IS ONE OF THE BEST THING THIS ANIME HAS EVER MADE!

This episode was so good! And funny! And angsty at the end! All the ingredients that make a good AOT episode

Very good, the preview was spooky and the whole episode had humor to lighten the mood, some emotional stuff and High Anxiety Cliffhangers to finish us off. Its gonna be a long 6 months.

HOW WOULD YOU RATE THE FIRST HALF OF SEASON 3 AS A WHOLE? 481 Responses

Overall, the first half of season three was satisfying for manga reading poll takers despite the changes.

All in all, absolutely stunning season. From the bottom of my heart, thank you WIT.

It was a really good episode. It followed manga perfectly. Every ep. of Uprising should has been like that. Too bad it wasn't, that why I rated the whole series pretty lowly. Honestly, I expected something better. But that was fine, not the worst. Yet, I would have changed a lot.

Really good way to end this half of the season. Can't wait to see the next half. It was nice to see a "calm before the storm" episode.

It was a brilliant idea to end the first part of season 3 right there, by doing this we were given proper construction to this arc.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SEASON TAKING A BREAK UNTIL APRIL? 481 Responses

About 37% of respondents are sad to see the anime take a break, but nearly half of voters are fine with the break stating that it’s not too bad of a wait, with some who are even looking forward to the breather for a bit (we’re looking forward to having a good rest as well although we will miss the anime!).

I'm okay with it since it means that we will a get a really well made RtS arc. But they really should've said that the break was going to be this long earlier. Or just called it season 4

Waiting is something we SnK fandom know how to do, unfortunately

As a manga reader it's easy to not be too upset since we'll have plenty of chapters during that time.

It's nice to get a breather before shit hits the fan.

I don’t mind waiting 6 months when I know it means the animation will look a lot nicer as a result

I feel like i would have been less upset if they just told us from the start how its gonna be... I hated the uncertainty

If it means a fantastic second cour then I'm all for it. I mean my life is empty and I wish I were dead, but other than that I've accepted it!

6 months for preparing myself to let Erwin rest in peace

I AM NOT READY FOR RTS THIS IS LITERALLY THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO A HIATUS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WIT

WAIT Studio

Does Annie have some space next to her for the next 6 months?

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SCENES WERE YOUR FAVORITES? 480 Responses

The Survey Corps’ sendoff was the most favorite moment of the episode, followed closely by Eren and Jean’s nostalgic fight. Levi and Erwin’s talk after the meeting made it to third most favorite scene of the episode, followed closely behind by Eren, Armin and Mikasa’s conversation. Everyone losing their minds over meat was another favorite.

Erwin was so perfect, I loved his little laugh, I thought the whole interaction with him and Levi was done so well... god, I'm gonna miss him so much, it actually hurts.

Good breather episode, comedy gold with the dinner scenes, and the send-off was just as fun as it was touching. Also, the extra scene was creepy and great, but I hope anime-only watchers don't spoil themselves trying to find the meaning to it...

I think they did a really good work with the Erwin x Leviv talk, and EMA talk... Since enfatizing Erwin's reasons, and showing Armin's, It became more clear Levi's choice in future

I loved EMA talk... it made me pretty sad because of the events which now are taking place in the manga. That was good to see them together in the anime.

My Eruri shipping heart was in tatters, I tell you. I've been looking forward to the ""I'll break your legs"" scene for ages now, and shit, watching it was a literal punch to the gut. Erwin's beautiful roar of victory on the wall, his final ""SUSUME"" just... I was in awe.

Sasha nomming on Jean’s hand was even funnier animated

The 104th dinner scene was just perfect! It's been so long since we had a scene of such warmhearted camaraderie, it really brought back all my season 1 feels for the babies. Beautifully done.

Overall great Episode, really liked how they foreshadowed Erwins Demise and his conversation with Levi, EMA talk was great too, and the serumbowl scene made for an amazing cliffhanger

DID THE GLITCHED ENDING SCARE YOU? 483 Responses

The abrupt reminder that SNK is a horror anime definitely seemed to work!  The majority of people were scared by the ending at least a little bit, and some were thoroughly terrified.

"Blink and you'll miss it" my a**

Honestly it reminded me of how horrid the show actually is. I forget it's not all cute and funny scenes with a tinge of "yikes" that happened, but instead vice versa

I knew it was coming in the ED but didn't know WHEN and I was just anticipating it like a dark corridor in a horror movie XD

Moreso that scare me, it got under my skin and just stayed in my head the rest of the day.

Scare is not the right word. The option I'm looking for is FUCKING WRECKED

I learned that apparently a lot of you watch shit alone in the dark. But to answer the question, no, not at all.

It thrilled me to see them cleverly setting up the next half of the season this way

Only the Levi's distorted "you guys". The glitched ending was awesome

I saw some screencaps of it prior to watching so I was somewhat prepared but it was way creepier than i thought it would be, it spooked me

It wasn't actually SCARY, but I fucking loved it. So twisted and creepy

rip ears in that ending, it makes for some great youtube reactions though lol

Well, mark me down as scared and horny

SHOULD ZACKLEY’S ART BE REALIZED? 478 Responses

We suppose the real question is, when will Zackley’s “art” stop becoming something we ask about? :P All in all, most of you agree that it should not be seen or talked about. 21% of you are still finding humor in it.

HOW MUCH DID YOU ENJOY THE SEQUENCE OF EREN AND JEAN FIGHTING? 483 Responses

Most of the viewers enjoyed Eren and Jean’s antics with 84% rating the scene with a 4 out of 5 or higher. 

Mikasa letting them fight and not dragging Eren way is the best part! It's such an important character development for her. Also this Episode was full of parallels to their training days. Great episode.

Eren and Jean bringing the Drama™ (as expected of Eren and Jean)

THE SURVEY CORPS HAS NEVER EXPERIENCED A SEND-OFF LIKE THEY DID IN THIS EPISODE - FAVORITE PART OF THIS SCENE? 481 Responses

The surreal experience of getting a positive send-off like this made Erwin’s smile and shout the overwhelming winner here, and for good reason!  A smaller portion of respondents enjoyed Springlestein being themselves and a few called out Levi’s face in the comments:

All of it. Because it will be the first and the last time we'll see it

YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Levi looking at screaming Erwin like "WTF Erwin"

Hange smile

LEVI'S SOFT LOOK

I like the manga version better because Levi's smile was softer there

Levi's expression when Erwin did his triumphant shout.

literally everything about it was perfect

WOULD YOU LET LEVI BREAK YOUR LEGS? 480 Responses

While 58% of respondents cannot understand why anybody would want their legs broken by Levi, a small percentage were even asking for it.

THE EPISODE WENT EXACTLY AS THE ORIGINAL MANGA! 478 Responses

So, the story behind this one is that one of the pollsters posted this “question” on our original document as a joke while another one of us was at work. When the one at work got off, they put the question onto the poll form while the person who created the “question” was not online, not realizing it was meant to be an unpublished joke. This was completely overlooked during the final proofread. It was never actually intended to make it onto the poll but since one of us always tries to rush through things, here we are! In any case, we hope you guys had a good laugh, because we all collectively lost it when we realized the mistake much too late!

wow y'all throwin shade with this Q huh

Yes, it is Erwin's birthday celebration after all

Glad that Erwin and the crowd’s screaming was a ‘dialogue’ and that he screamed again.

Makes sense, given how its purpose is to set up the new arc. Not much need to leave things out for the sake of pacing.

They done it so perfectly! I love that episode and love the hope in the air, my man similing and being happy, I love they see people cheering for them. THAT was earned.

It still modified some moments like Armin thinking of Eren and Mikasa instead of the bullies in the manga. Maybe it's better and more consistent with the following events.

Thanks God! The whole series should has been this way. Compared to the sad 1st episode of Uprising, this one was a true masterpiece.

u people need to get the salt in your blood checked, let others be dissatisfied with something they care about? please and thanks

i don't care if it went exactly as the original manga or with some changes as long as the episode is good

THE CHAPTER SIGNIFIED THE START OF A NEW ARC, BUT THE ANIME USED IT TO END THE FIRST COUR, WAS THIS A BENEFICIAL DECISION? 478 Responses

The majority of folks thought shifting the send-off to the end of the cour to create an uplifting cliffhanger was a good way to end the season.  Several people called attention to how much contrast was felt between such a positive ending and the credits scene.

I think it works great, especially the triumph of the send off and the "oh shit, what's happening" moment in the ED

should have been the first ep of the next arc, with the send off as the cliffhanger

It was a nice, fun send off for the arc. Has the suspense of the scouts going towards the foes. The next episode with the next chapter/s will be perfect for getting back into the series after 6 months

WAIT Studio used it as an effective cliffhanger but from an adaptation perspective it's just like the Wall Titan. Something to keep the audience's attention at the cost of the narrative's flow. If the season was going to be split then rushing the Uprising Arc at breakneck speed resulting in one extra episode was pointless.

The opening of 73 is a perfect opening for the second cour, so I knew from the beginning of the season that ending in this chapter would be their aim. The second half won't struggle for content, and they can either push ahead flashbacks (I expect some of Bert's parts from 96 making it into the adaptation of 77) or content that didn't make it in the first half used to extend other parts (Eren's experiments for Armin realizing how to beat Bert in 81)

I think this will help the second part by being on the way to Shiganshina to start it off.

Heck cliffhangers!

LEVI WASN’T EXPLICITLY SHOWN EAVESDROPPING UNTIL THE END OF EMA’S CONVERSATION, DO YOU THINK THIS DIMINISHED THE FORESHADOWING? 478 Responses

The vast majority of respondents agreed that as long as we saw him listening to them, that’s ultimately all that matters. A small few believe that not showing him listening in on them earlier will diminish the overall impact when he makes his decisions later, however.

I don't think it matters, especially if the anime includes a flashcut to this moment post-decision, which will make its important even more obvious for viewers who may not remember this scene at all.

I'm not sure, I guess it did seem more ambiguous here. They'll flashback to it when serumbowl happens though.

Wouldn’t have spent more time on it. This show is about subtle details. I think its ok.

It still worked, but I would have liked it to have been made clear that he saw Armin's expression when he was talking about the ocean

No, but i think it was nice in the manga to see that at the beginning of the conversation he was standing and ended up on the floor by the end of it. Small detail, but i took it like he didn't mean to listen in the beginning but decided to stay in the end because of what he was hearing?

No, because it was a detail it meant a lot more. Subtle details have greater impact in visualities, manga is a different medium and the scene was used properly for its medium.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT WIT SHOWING *THAT PART* OF THE RTS ARC AS A TEASER? 480 Responses

38% of respondents believe that the teaser was a great way to keep interest in the series high. 20% specifically feel that it will keep the anime only fans invested. About 21% of respondents combined don’t think it was the smartest choice on WIT’s end while almost 10% are just not ready to see that animated at all.

Even though I already know what will happen, my body *isn't* ready for this shit to come, except for the lightning spears

Honestly, I thought it was stupid as fuck and a cheap way to keep hype up for anime-only people. I would've preferred my anime-only friend to go into RTS completely blind.

I think it's great because it lends itself a lot of hype for the next half as well as leaving it very open ended. Especially because they cut out lines about the serum.

I think this teaser shocked more the manga readers than the anime onlines.

It's the worst part of the manga they could spoil. I'm not sure what they intend to do by showing such a controversial moment

It was brilliant. Anime only watchers don't often get the experience of agonizing over certain cliffhangers monthly, but with this flashforward looming in their head, they have a whole season of suffering ahead of them. SUFFER LIKE US, ANIME ONLIES!

I really liked it but I think they could have shown a part of Bert/Reiner/Zeke’s convo since we saw Bert and Reiner at the end of the episode, and it would have anime-onlies wondering who the glasses guy is

I was shocked and hyped at seeing them include this scene, but at the same time I’m sad that anime-onlies were spoiled that at the very least Mikasa, Eren, and Levi will survive until this scene, destroying any tension of them dying

I'm really conflicted; on one hand, I was very surprised in a positive way, cause it was a ballsy and unexpected move. On the other hand, I understand that anime viewers might be sick of spoilers bc of the scene at the beginning of ep1.

It gave me anxiety lol. Please someone save my babies from their horrible destiny

One hell of a cliffhanger and I can't really imagine anything better to show everything going wrong (Colossal nuke is way too obvious, for example), but the people complaining about spoilers do have a point...

WHAT ARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS FOR RTS’S ADAPTATION? 480 Responses

WHAT SEGMENTS OF RTS ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING ANIMATED NEXT COUR? 481 Responses

Over half of respondents feel that the Return to Shiganshina arc will be delivered just as well as Uprising was. 37% of respondents feel it will be much better than Uprising’s adaptation. A small few don’t have much faith in the second half of the four.

FUCK ME UP!! R.I.P. ANIME ONLIES

GIMME THE 2ND COUR NOW!

I don't know if I'm emotionally prepared for this arc

I’m going to have 6 more months to mentally prepare myself for the return to shiganshina arc and I still won’t be ready

from an adaptation perspective it's going to be the same as the previous seasons. WAIT Studio excels at certain aspects of packaging SnK into anime, but as a whole it's a bad, rather than amazing, adaptation.

Is there a "NOPE I am not ready for RtS arc" in the questions?

WHAT SEGMENTS OF RTS ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING ANIMATED NEXT COUR? 481 Responses

The most anticipated segment of the Return to Shiganshina arc is the suicide charge + Levi totally wrecking Zeke. Following closely behind are the basement reveal, the serumbowl, Grisha’s diaries and flashbacks, the ocean and the showdown with the 104th and Reibert. 

Kill me! I cannot believe I have to wait 6 months for RTS. 6 months until I can see Reiner and Bertholdt in action and the FREAKING BASEMENT!!!! I was fine with a 3 months break but 6 is too much ;____; I want to see Grisha's past animated

What everybody is waiting for the RtS Arc: the basement, Reibert fight, Levi soloing the beast titan, the ocean. Me, an intellectual: THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS THUNDER SPEARS (and Grisha's backstory)

can't wait to see historia looking graceful as hell in front of the sunrise while the SC goes off to fuck reibert and zeke up

The only thing I can think about is Zeke.... *screams* ZEKE AND EREN! THE JAEGERBROS! AND THE GRISHA FILES! SO MANY JAEGERS *dies*

I'm definitely looking forward to RTS okay, but I'm dreading it more, honestly. But the one thing I'm looking forward to, and really hoping they'll animate, is Levi taking down those Titans on the way to Zeke. I know the focus is on Erwin's last charge in the manga, and rightly so, but DAMN, I want to see Levi do that -I honestly don't think anyone, even Mikasa, could do what he did there.

I have a fever, and the only prescription is Season 3 Part 2

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

A pretty decent choice for a midseason finale. But most important, a pretty good choice for episode 49. Once we're back in April, the series will be celebrating having made it to 50 episodes. Just 2 years ago, we were wondering if we'd ever get episode 26, and now we're getting to a landmark episode that will be exciting and memorable! Nothing between chapters 70-72 could've worked as such a landmark, in my opinion, but chapters 73-74? Absolutely perfect for it.

And my ship finally got some screen time

But damn wit... I almost got a heart attack because of the glitched ending!! Please, I at least want to survive to see manbun Eren animated

For anime watchers: I enjoyed watching your confusion over that ED. May you all be prepared by April 2019.

My heart is filled with so much Eruri that I may cry. You could literally see how much concern Levi had for Erwin in his eyes.

I love Bertoto and Raina more than myself. Guess, I'll die in April.

I'm an Erwin Lover™ and the show is gonna come back right around my birthday so this was Great and I'm Fine

It was out of character to see Eren fully clothed.

The moment when SC were cheered up and Erwin was so confident and happy and then they left into the sunset gave me goosebumps and almost made me cry :') it was a beautiful, strong, encouraging moment for SC!!

Let me just tell you how fucking HYPED I am for the next season after those previews during the ED. HYPED. And Jesus fuck yes, Armin looked like a charred French fry that got left behind in the oil. THANK JESUS. I was afraid WIT might downplay that, but no, my boy gonna be the CRONCHIEST.

The glitches were great and not too spoiler-y but WIT absolutely ruined it with the Eren/Mikasa/Levi scene. They showed too much.

rip ears in that ending, it makes for some great youtube reactions though lol

Erwin looked fine as fuck

Wit, you better be paying for my doctor visit. My ears were bleeding with your little trick you pulled at the end.

This episode. THIS FUCKING EPISODE. Man what a way to end the cour. REALLY, standing ovation to WIT. That glitch ending was just like that tiny Titan-in-the-wall scene at the end of season 1 that made me go looking for the manga. Absolutely brilliant stuff.

Thanks for these polls.

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 446 Responses

Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming Uprising Arc poll!

[igotshinee21]

Dear Jonghyun,

A year. That's what it's been. I still can't believe it. You have everyone around the world missing you and crying and praying that you're ok. It seems like just yesterday I was 5 sitting in front of the TV in my grandmother's house watching SHINee's debut stage. All I could focus on was you. It took my grandmother having to pull the Korean news channel up on her computer for me to go eat breakfast and get ready for the day.

I couldn't stop watching you. I knew you were singing for your Noona but I. I felt like you were singing for me. You were smiling but looked so focused on the dance that you just radiated 'LOOK AT ME IM THE BLING!' and I just remember asking my grandma who you were and she reads the Hangul going across tbe screen and says 'Kim Jonghyun' and that's when I fell in love.

That whole day I went through Kindergarten class singing Replay and all the kids around me called me names cause they spoke English they didn't understand who you were or how powerful you were. You made a 5 year old have standards for guys that I shouldn't have had.

I went home that day still humming it and went inside. I went on the computer and just searched you and then I saw you. The next few years went by. I fell more in love with you by the day. But after you debuted and became my center the worse took place.

My step dad the person who I was to go to for comfort and feel protected by began to abuse me. Every night I would lay in bed crying and wondering why a now 6 year old had to go through this. I started sobbing and the only thing that calmed me down was you. The smile that your face brought and the twinkle your eyes shown. I laid in bed everynight thinking of you begging you to come get me from the life I was living.

The abuse got worse. I was 7 with depression and having to steal my mom's makeup to cover up bruises. That's when I started having panic attacks and hyperventilating. The one night I couldn't breathe and had to go to the hospital but the doctor asked me if I had a way to calm down and I said yes. Music. And more specifically SHINee, you. He played like 3 of your songs and watched as I went from on the brink of passing out to dancing to replay.

He told me that it was because of you I was breathing and hadn't died of oxygen lack. So I left happy. But the abuse didn't let up. If anything it got worse. He used you guys against me, told me I was getting punished cause you guys saw me as a disappointment. But I knew it was a lie. You guys brought a smile to my face every time I thought of you. But when I turned 10, that's when I turned to you for the late nights in the bathroom. When the only relief was self harm. After a while of sitting there you talked me into putting the blade down and cleaning up and that I could make it cause your voice gave me hope it gave me a safe place. Weeks later I was in the same spot though. Except this time I wanted to end my life. I sat there crying and didn't move. No one was home. But my iPod started playing randomly and the first thing I hear is you. Your voice came through the headphones clear as day. I fell asleep on the bathroom floor feeling like I was gonna be okay because I felt like you weren't gonna let anything happen to me. But of course he had other plans. He took most of my innocence and told me if I told a soul I'd get in so much trouble. So I kept my mouth shut. Now 2014 comes and I'm turning 11. I'm in the 6th grade and it's November. Thanksgiving time. next week and a half is hell for me. my grandma dies and you know who helps me cope??? You.. you let me cry myself to sleep thinking I was gonna be okay.

YOU WERE MY HOPE

YOU WERE MY SAVIOR

YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SAVED ME

But of course let's rewind some of 2014. You became 'Blue Night's radio host and every day it never failed I'd listen. Even though I didnt understand much your voice got me through the everyday life.

Now 2015. By this time I had tried ending my life a total of 4 times. I self harmed more than what I wish I did and I became so wrapped up with my pain and the fear of people seeing me weak I was diagnosed with Smiling depression. The same thing you had. But you held me through all the pain and suffering. My mom leaves my step dad. And actually right now in 2018 shes in the process of divorcing him.

We move down south from New York to Georgia (USA). I was afraid of people making fun of me that I barley listened to kpop. I was so absorbed with not getting put an outcast I almost lost you. But you still were there. The nights I cried. The nights I have like tonight where i just hurt and don't know how to fix it.

2016 rolls around and I lose it! You release you're she is album on my birthday and I felt like the luckiest girl ever. I called my grandma and told her how you wrote she is for me. And yes at the age 13 i swore we were soul mates. I had ever since I was 5 so why stop?

And then 2017... I lost sight of you. I barley kept in touch with what SHINee and you were doing. I knew you stopped hosting. And y'all dropped a Japanese song (GET THE TREASURE IS A BOP! But so is every SHINee song) i was so focused with school and sports I lost sight of you. Then I moved to where I am now. And face more shit. I was sexually harrased the first 3 months I moved here, I stared self harming again and pulled all nigher just so I wouldn't have nightmares. Then December 18th comes. I wake up to my friend blowing up my emails and feed with the news. I was lost deviated shocked numb. I couldnt feel anything. You were my everything. My rock. The reason I kept fighting. And I couldn't help you from the thing you helped me from.

I didn't do anything for the next two weeks. I was of course numb. I did the bareminimun. I barley ate. I didn't sleep. Then I cried non stop in my room. I couldn't let everyone know I was hurting. My family didn't even think there was something wrong with me cause I hid the pain so well. I mean I became so good at looking okay people just assumed I had the best of everything.

January 1st came and I didnt want to do this. I didn't want anymore tomorrows. But as I sat in my room crying over you I heard it. The same thing I heard every time I cried like that. You told me id be okay and that you'd always be there. Then for some reason I couldn't stop wanting to see you. Every SHINee video I watched. Every video of you I watched.

I haven't read your letter or watched the funeral. I refuse. I guess I'm afraid it'll make it like official official that you're gone and that I have no choice but to say goodbye. But I don't wanna say goodbye you became my reason for fighting. The reason I rolled out of bed. The hope that life was gonna get better

I wish I could have helped you. I'm so sorry. I just hope you're okay and happy and not hurting.

You did well bling bling. I'll post more later today. It's just gonna be my favorite moments of you. You and SHINee. Always and forever.

I hope the words I could never say reach you. 'THANK YOU'

(just some people on insta paying tribute)