#some good old fashion internet catharsis

[oh-men-of-dark-and-dismal-fate]

There are two things in life that will instantly tear a relationship apart. Playing monopoly and working on a commission together.

[sideshow-tornado]

1, 3, 11, 13, 29, 30 ❤️

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

(I) I was interested in performing and acting at a young age, and being lucky enough to have a thriving community theatre in my small town growing up where I got to start performing at 9 years old was such a huge and important influence on my life. (II) I was 13 years old when I first got access to the Internet, which at the time (1995) was a pale shadow of what it is now, but also such an interesting and varied world to get immersed in. I think we Xennials lucked out with being able to mostly come of age with the Internet but were more or less fully grown and mature adults before the saturation of social media/influencer/smart phone culture. (III) I started playing tennis competitively in junior high, I was pretty good. Although I did have a bad habit of being a front runner, if I got out ahead on an opponent I could usually hold them off and win. But I was not so good at coming back after getting down quickly to start a match. I specifically had a singles match early in my Sophomore year of high school where I played well but still lost the first two sets. I felt like maybe I could force a fourth set but I didn't have a great track record and either would mentally or physically crap out in such a match. But I hung in there, won the third set, my coach kept coming back to me and reassuring me that I could do it, teammates would come by and watch and cheer me on, and eventually I did wear down the other guy and won an absolutely brutal 5 set match where we beat each other up for like four hours. I went on to have a really great year and my junior year started having some college interest. While my competitive tennis career didn't last much longer, I still carry the lesson and feeling from overcoming a previously undoable action with me to this day.

3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

I'm gonna single out 3 somewhat lesser known or remembered films from 1999 because that was a great year for film and it's the 25th anniversary for those films: Mumford (a Capra-esque quirky small town romantic comedy with just enough 90s milieu to not feel old fashioned), Bowfinger (starring Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy a silly but hilarious comedy about Hollywood and filmmaking but with such a giant heart that makes it so endearing), Summer of Sam (Spike Lee's way underrated look at NYC in the summer of 1977 during the ongoing Son of Sam killings).

what do you consider to be romance?

I think romance is probably best described as the intersection of intimacy, whimsy, desire, and comfort.

what are you doing right now?

waiting for dinner to be ready and watching "The Challenge" on MTV which I've seen every single episode of and have watched since the very beginning when it was The Real World vs Road Rules Challenge and was just a one off special in the early years. I have never seen an episode of Survivor or The Amazing Race or any number of similar shows, but I'm down with The Challenge forever.

what do you do when you’re sad?

Listen to music. The quickest and strongest way to get some catharsis and hopefully feel better.

what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

Unfortunately I don't think anything is fail proof in that regard, but as I mentioned above music comes the closest.

[miniyrds]

As long as they don’t follow your blog, you could outline it anyways. Venting can be scary but it can also be healthy and provide some catharsis in the midst of all of this. You know, get the metaphorical weight of your chest

I've tried writing this a few times bc my brain is annoying and I keep forgetting things and then over explaining lol

thank u for the excuse to write out my problems on the internet

side note: I tell this humorously now and I know that I could've done things a lot differently, but it still messed me up quite a bit

this can pretty much be broken into several instance so to speak

incident one:

me and my ex-roommate and our two suitemates moved into an on campus apartment in the spring of our 2nd year. I am in my 4th year now. The semester started and we were all really excited to live together with a kitchen. ex-roommate proposed that we alternate cooking for everyone (this only lasted one month). but... ex-roommate’s bf was always over eating our food. this became more of an issue to one of my suite mates but I was fairly annoyed by him being constantly around. anyway, we decide to tell my ex-roommate that we didn’t think he should be over as often etc etc

ex-roommate left for a few hours and came back only to sit us all down and cry about how having her bf over made her feel better bc adjusting to living in an apartment was really hard and there was nowhere else for them to go (he lived in his own room in a different dorm on campus)

we dropped the situation

incident two:

in like February/early march I had gone to bed early while my ex-roommate, her bf, and our suitemates watched a movie until like 2 am. one of my suitemates shouted goodnight and woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep. ex-roommate and bf then decide to spend the night together...intimately...while I am right there.

I send her a message the following Monday bc I debated for so long whether or not to tell her that I heard. I told her that I really didn't want her bf staying the night after I had already gone to bed (basically I just wanted a heads up. I didn’t phrase this well)

I ended up getting really paranoid that she was sneaking him in and I confided in my suite mate about this (bad move)

incident three:

a week after spring break, we are getting back from a late showing of Us. It’s after midnight and we can’t find close parking. My suitemates and I offer to walk with her and she says that her bf is gonna walk her back so she’s okay

I say “oh, is [bf] coming over?” (I swear. that’s it)

wrong thing to say apparently. when we get back into the room she starts tearing into me. I don’t remember everything that was said but it started with “do you hate [bf]” and went to

we all hate your boyfriend. he makes us all feel really uncomfortable and he has for the past two years. we just never said anything

you say a lot of hurtful things. if you even think that you said something mean, apologize no matter how much later it is

you hurt [suitemates] feelings by joking about [something]. do u think she doesnt tell me? we tell each other everything

is [ex boyfriend] abusing you? because it seems like he is *never brings it up again or checks on me* (he was slightly toxic but it wasn't thanks to them that I realized it)

“im shocked im not crying rn. im just so mad” (as im sobbing)

I spent the rest of the semester on eggshells around them. I left every weekend I could but that was difficult because I didn't have a car. my ex never stepped foot in my apartment again (cant say the same about her bf)

my ex broke up with me that summer and that hit me really hard because we were co-dependent on each other in the worst way and he said a lot of mean things. ex-roommate hung out with me one time and claimed she was ‘there for me�� and got me thru my breakup. (that award goes to my mom, thanks)

I didn’t move back in with them in the fall. that honestly changed my life

incident four:

I am now in a much better place but I still feel the need to apologize to my new group of friends when I think I said something wrong. (they constantly assure me that I don’t have to) (I apologized to my current roommate for joking about how she cooks ramen and she was like "nat I do not hate u for ramen”)

I am also constantly prepared for another callout. I know I wasn't perfect and I couldve been better about boundaries. I know what to do now should that ever happen again. I feel bad about how it went down

I was not prepared for ex-roommate to turn on one of our suitemates in a me-style callout

I don’t have the full story from both sides but from what I gathered they were all joking in their normal fashion (”___ is my favorite! no ___ is my favorite!”) when ex-roommate took it to heart. this led to suitemate being excluded the moment they were walking out the door etc etc

needless to say, she moved out

ex-roommate took to social media to say “those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. friendship applications closed forever!” after she blocked my suitemate.

this is when I learned that ex-roommate sees nothing wrong with how she treated me. like 0 empathy. I have 2 sources that believe she doesnt feel any at all

a few nights ago she tweeted about my old suitemate and I sent it to her (like a good friend lol). this is when I learned that ex-roommate was always mad that I hung out with other people

conclusion?

this was kinda cathartic. It was more timeline than venting but I have no more real venting thoughts I realized. I've exhausted them. but I do take smug comfort in the random instances that bothered my ex-roommate. we didn’t work as friends or roommates and im still messed up from everything but at least I have really good new friends now :))

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 121: Rocknaldo

“I don't love that. I don't accept that.”

Ronaldo Fryman has always been annoying.

From his first speaking role in Cat Fingers, and his first starring role in Keep Beach City Weird, this has been obvious. He’s selfish and insensitive, dominating every conversation he’s a part of and refusing to respect viewpoints that differ from his. He works well in small doses, where his grating nature can be properly diluted, so it’s understandable that an entire episode of Ronaldo at peak Ronaldo is not a widely beloved entry in the Steven Universe canon. But even though I can’t stand watching Rocknaldo, I actually, uh, kind of love it.

That’s a hard “uh, kind of” though. It’s tough to separate my emotions about this one, because I respect such an incredible portrayal of toxic fandom, but I hate toxic fandom so much that I don’t enjoy spending time with it, even as parody. This isn’t an episode I’m ever in the mood for, but it’s just so good at what it’s doing that I can’t stay mad at it.

Ronaldo’s propaganda is first played for laughs, with Steven’s bewilderment at what he’s reading (“They’re adding mind-controlling minerals to our water suppl—they hate men?”) and the vaudevillian back and forth of Ronaldo’s Rock People talking points and Steven’s quick and absolute dismissals. Ronaldo’s embarrassment is a bit of a surprise considering he’s never seemed capable of such a sensation, and his willingness to admit he’s wrong seems like a good sign, but oh boy does that attitude not last.

The mindset that led Ronaldo to make his bad faith arguments in pamphlet form (which he calls Ronalphlets because heaven forbid we get the idea that it’s not about him) persists, and it’s so much worse in conversation than as printed media. It’s not enough that he impedes on Steven’s personal space, but he checks off multiple key items on the Pathetic Internet Troll I Find Useless List (or “PITIFUL” if we’re using proper jargon). He’s casually sexist. He negs Steven into accepting his intrusions. He gatekeeps the concept of being a “true” Crystal Gem, which is lousy in a bubble but so much worse in practice because he’s doing it to an actual Crystal Gem. He gaslights by stating his incorrect views as obvious facts, complete with his own lingo, to make Steven question his own validity. And perhaps worst of all, he takes advantage of Steven’s empathetic nature to pretend that a tolerant person must accept abuse.

On the one hand, Ronaldo’s extreme behavior can be chalked up to severe sleep loss; that’s certainly the angle the episode goes for. But on the other, his toxicity begins well before he decides to stop sleeping, and as someone whose record for consecutive waking hours is an inadvisable thirty-six, fatigue will make you cranky, but it won’t make you more conniving. In cartoon world it’s a clean device to up Ronaldo’s awfulness in a way we can walk back from, but ugh he’s still a trashfire. Zach Callison always deserves kudos, and Rocknaldo is no exception, but Zachary Steel wins out here for capturing such a loathsome version of his character.

A key ingredient for Rocknaldo is timing. Steven just had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and this is our first glimpse at how it’s changed him, so what better way to test our all-loving hero than to pit him against a black hole of selfishness? He’s grown a lot since Keep Beach City Weird in a way Ronaldo hasn’t, and while his instinct is still kindness, now there’s a welcome dose of teen moodiness mixed in. 

It takes a while for Steven to realize it’s a grift, but beyond this slowness being a necessity for the conflict of the episode to work, it makes sense for where he’s at this point in the show. Again, kindness is an instinct for this kid, and even when Ronaldo starts getting infuriating, we’ve seen Steven be patient with him before. He’s also got that martyr complex revved up: this isn’t the first or last time he’s been willing to suffer to make someone else comfortable. He knows how much it sucks to be called the wrong name by now, so he’s the only person who consistently calls Ronaldo “Bloodstone.” And considering Rose Quartz wasn’t what he thought, he now feels that he must double his efforts to be his best self to compensate.

Also important is Steven’s willingness to defend his friends from the start, calling the term “Rock People” offensive and defending the Gems’ decision to leave Ronaldo behind on a dangerous mission. He can take Ronaldo’s lousiness all day, but finally snaps when Connie’s worthiness is insulted. It’s sweet that he sticks up for people, but it’s a bummer that he probably would’ve put up with Ronaldo even longer if the only one suffering was himself. Steven would do anything for his friends, but he’s not doing much for Steven.

This is why Ronaldo is the ideal antagonist for an episode coming off Steven’s space adventure. Steven’s selflessness contrasts perfectly with Ronaldo’s selfishness, but instead of a story about selflessness being good and selfishness being bad, we see how selflessness isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Yes, it’s good to care about others, but it’s also important to have boundaries and enough self-respect to defend yourself; this isn’t even the first time we’ve gotten this message, but it bears repeating. There’s are limits to tolerance that trolls will always exploit (“White Nationalists aren’t welcome here? So much for the ‘Tolerant Left!’”), and on a show about empathy we need for Steven (and the audience) to see that empathy doesn’t mean being a doormat.

Steven’s patience fuels the episode, but the wheels are greased by the Amethyst and Pearl’s disdain. It’s a minor part of Rocknaldo, but I’m not sure I could survive how grating Ronaldo is without some backup from the Gems.

Garnet may lead a slow clap at Steven’s rousing speech on the nature of acceptance, but Amethyst is happy to crack jokes at Ronaldo’s self-seriousness, down to that perfect impression near the end of the episode. Meanwhile, Pearl openly hates the guy. We don’t even get Sassy Pearl (perhaps the greatest Pearl of all), she’s just bluntly dismissive as a refreshing antidote to Steven’s hospitality. She doesn’t bother to remember his ridiculous new name because she refuses to humor the notion that he’s a Gem, and it totally works for me; misnaming is played for drama when Steven is concerned, as befits the trans allegory that comes to a head in Change Your Mind, but Ronaldo is a human belittling Steven’s identity by pretending he shares it, so “Bloodstone” isn’t worth getting right to her (it helps that “Fryrocko” is also a delightful thing to call somebody). This jokey take on names works in the moment, but more importantly primes us for a more serious take in our last scene.

The final conversation, after a rare time jump, does salvage Ronaldo somewhat. He apologizes and admits he was acting like a jerk, and remains dedicated to helping the Crystal Gems in his own weird way. But the root of his problem isn’t gonna up and go away, and that root, again, is selfishness. He doesn’t fit in because he would rather the world adjust to meet his whims than take a single step towards self-improvement, so he chooses to see himself as “the ultimate outsider.” I guess it’s nice to find a positive spin on qualities you’re not great at, but it reeks of self-importance in a way that’s true to the character but is still frustrating to watch. Ronaldo is very good at being who he is, but I just don’t have much patience for intentionally annoying characters.

Still, we get that lovely moment of Steven talking about his name; it’s not a big revelation that folks only call him Rose Quartz when they’re mad at him, but verbalizing it shows that he’s aware of the pattern. The issue of his name will pop up more and more, becoming a cornerstone of both the Season 4 and Season 5 finales, so it’s nice to discuss it in a calm moment so we can keep Steven’s opinion in the back of our minds when things get messy. Ronaldo, to his credit, asks permission before sharing this story on his pamphlet, and evokes fellow emotionally-challenged antagonist Zuko in his attempt at solidarity. (Fun fact: in no other way is Ronaldo similar to Zuko.)

Moving from Zuko to Zuke: I don’t know where Rocknaldo’s production lined up on the timeline of the Steven Universe fandom's worst elements harassing Jesse Zuke, but I hope Zuke got some level of catharsis in portraying such “fans” in this pathetic manner. Speaking as a guy with a blog, calling Ronaldo “just a guy with a blog” is perfect putdown for a loser that makes himself feel big by pretending to know how to run a ship better than the captain. Imagine if I spent every post saying how much better of a storyteller I am than this crew. Ugh.

Fandoms can do great things, but man are they pros at doing horrible things. During the week that I wrote this review, a 15-year-old Super Smash Bros player got yelled off the internet for beating an established player in an incredible fashion, because while the community adores a young upstart, they can’t stand when that upstart is a girl. And no, I’m not saying the entire fandom did it, just as the entire Steven Universe fandom didn’t target one of the show’s best boarders (note that this article was written when Zuke still went by Lauren), but there are more than enough Ronaldos in every community, and it’s up to people who comprehend the basic tenets of empathy provided by a show they claim to love to stand up to such bullies.

If you don’t like Rocknaldo, that’s just fine. Because you shouldn’t like how Ronaldo acts in it. Liking something doesn’t give you the right to harass people, so do your part in shutting that nonsense down. 

I’ve never been to this…how do you say…school?

Just give us an episode with Peridot, Yellow Pearl, Peedee, and Ronaldo trapped in a room already.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

I hate watching this episode, but that doesn’t mean I hate the episode. It does its job very well, which is worthy of admiration even if I’m probably never going to watch it again now that this review is done.

Top Twenty

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

Last One Out of Beach City

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Mindful Education

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Earthlings

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Bismuth

Steven’s Dream

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Chille Tid

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Catch and Release

When It Rains

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Alone at Sea

Crack the Whip

Beta

Back to the Moon

Kindergarten Kid

Buddy’s Book

Gem Harvest

Three Gems and a Baby

That Will Be All

The New Crystal Gems

Storm in the Room

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Greg the Babysitter

Gem Hunt

Steven vs. Amethyst

Bubbled

Adventures in Light Distortion

Gem Heist

The Zoo

Rocknaldo

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

Know Your Fusion

Future Boy Zoltron

No Thanks!

     6. Horror Club      5. Fusion Cuisine      4. House Guest      3. Onion Gang      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure

[theholidaytracklist]

50 Tracks 2019

Welcome!! This is your annual installment of 50 Tracks, the musical greeting card to all of my favorite people both near and far.  I hope that you and yours have been enjoying the holiday season, the brightness of the lights in the cold of winter, and the warm comforts of steady tradition. May you carry this joy into the boundless opportunity of the new year!

2019 was similar to its predecessor in that it was short on truly great music but deep in really good music, though I think there was actually more depth in album quality this year than last. As I say every year, music continues to be a mirror for where we are individually and as a world, so it’s no surprise that many of the artists I chose to select here are echoing the dynamics I find myself exploring in the twilight of 2019: feelings of uncertainty, existential dread, hedonistic joy, comic apathy, anger and catharsis, obstacles of love, wavering currents of hope. As I age I recognize more and more the way that music can act as a prism through which my emotional thought is refracted and colored, and I am both unsettled by the distorting impact that may have on my perspective, as well as being in awe of the tidal force that it plays in my understanding of the world around me. I hope at least one of these songs or artists can have that level of impact on you as well. 

As always, the list is limited to one entry per artist. It was frequently challenging to choose one song to represent the impact that many of these cohesive albums had on me this year, so when the featured artist had multiple songs that were among my favorites of the year, those additional songs will be denoted below the main entry in [Brackets].  Click on the bolded song titles to open the accompanying YouTube video. Enjoy!

Honorable Mentions:

Chromatics - Closer To Grey

We’ll start things off with the washed out driving electronics of Portland quartet Chromatics, who dropped a surprise seventh album in October, also titled Closer to Grey.  Always good to set a mood, Johnny Jewel and company deliver another gem here, perfectly scoring my snowed-out back road wanderings this winter.

Clams Casino - Rune 

Now almost 10 years into a career that has already seen a remarkable amount of both commercial and critical high notes, New Jersey producer Clams Casino continues to be central in forming hip hop’s next waves.  Returning with only his second proper studio album, November's Moon Trip Radio was another dive into his ambient side, ripe with both churning anthems like Rune and delicate moments that feel like watching butterflies flutter about in the sun.

[Twilit]

Crumb - Fall Down

Crumb is a wonderful indie-psych quartet of Brooklyn-based musicians who formed while attending Tufts University right in my backyard. The band quickly received some strong buzz with 2017’s Locket, and followed that up with their first full-length project Jinx this June. That record is stocked with fuzzy little tunnels of sound, with Fall Down being my personal favorite.  

JPEGMAFIA - Jesus Forgive Me, I Am A Thot

I've been aware of the artist affectionately known as Peggy for the last couple of years, and while I didn't see last year's Veteran as  the achievement some felt it was, I definitely respect the creativity, individuality, and force of the man as an artist. With the attitude of a punkster, a sample folder of the Gods, and a sound born in the deepest cockles of the internet, one of JPEGMafia’s greatest strengths is just how much he attacks you with his musical vision.  It’s never worked as well as it does here on the whip-tight energy of Jesus Forgive Me I Am A Thot.

Mannequin Pussy - Drunk II

I'm not even going to try to defend this band name, it's one of the worst I've ever come across.  That said, the Philly foursome are proving three albums into their young career that their music can be just as affecting, with lead singer Marisa Dabice delivering a powerhouse turn here with her desperate musings on Drunk II.

Mariah The Scientist - Beetlejuice

I still know very little about Atlanta R&B singer Mariah The Scientist, and the lack of overall noise about the 21 year-old fits with the somewhat strangely elusive feel of Beetlejuice off her August debut Master.  On the one hand her age, the look of this video, and her connection to Tory Lanez paint the picture of an R&B B-level flash.  And yet the measured power in her voice here, the patience of the production (those drums wait until 1:40 to kick in), and the way her jaded lyrics feel decidedly genuine all point towards a much more promising young artist.  

Sir - Mood (ft. Zacari)

A stand out from Inglewoed singer and TDE artist Sir’s latest Chasing Summer, Mood is the well-balanced poolside cocktail for your taste buds. Here the hook comes from label-mate Zacari, who provided a similar garnish for Kendrick on 2017’s Love, and had his own song in contention with Don’t Trip from back in the spring.

Smino - Klink 

It feels like Smino’s hip-hop sensibilities are all very relevant to the collective sound in 2020, which might be part of the reason (writing killer hooks always helps) the St. Louis rapper is as well-connected in the community as he is.  With ties to Dreamville and everyone in the Chicago scene, Smino blends influences like Nelly, Outkast, Ludacris, and Bone Thugs with his own cartoon flow to create something unique on every feature. I’m stoked to see him and 50 Track alums No Name and Saba join up for more music together as Ghetto Sage in 2020.

Spirit Family Reunion - Come Our Way

Spirit Family Reunion gave us another fulfilling entry into their version of the American Songbook this year with August's Ride Free, the Brooklyn band’s third stellar LP of traditional folk/bluegrass/gospel music.  This album saw Nick Panken and friends share a little more of themselves and their view on the state of the world in 2019, with some of that slow entropy leaking into the easy country road malaise of Come Our Way.

Zsela - Noise

Zsela is 24-year old Zsela Thompson, half-sister of actress Tessa Thompson and currently unknown darling of the music/fashion world, releasing hauntingly composed folk ballads and then playing sets on runways, in moody bars, and in quiet churches. Both Noise and Earlier Days made a strong impression on me this year, and if Thompson can approach the heights of current tour mates like Cat Power and Angel Olsen, she’ll be doing just fine.

[Earlier Days]

50.) 03 Greedo & Kenny Beats - Disco Shit (ft. Freddie Gibbs)

03 Greedo hasn't necessarily done much to make me take notice to this point, but as a fan of Kenny Beats (check out his YouTube show The Cave if you haven't) I gave their collaborative album Netflix & Deal a listen, and while this is one of the lone standouts, Greedo might deliver the hook of the year right here. The way his voice hits this beat is butter, and with the bonus of hearing an auto-tuned Gibbs, this one is too good to deny.

49.) Girlpool - What Chaos Is Imaginary

LA duo Girlpool have graced this list a couple of times before, but February's What Chaos Is Imaginary was the first record they've released an album since founding member Avery Tucker's voice became profoundly impacted by hormone therapy. Tucker entered the gender flow in 2017 and has had to cope with the impact that flow has had on his voice, once a huge part of the band’s sonic identity  The title track of that record is proof enough of the band’s resilience, with Harmony Tividad’s voice wielding much of that restorative power.

48.) Rich Brian - Yellow (ft. Bekon)

After being somewhat of a meme throw-in in this area of the list with his song Dat Stick (as Rich Chigga) back in 2016, Brian Emmanuel has steadily become a legitimate artist in hip hop, following up 2018’s solid Amen with The Sailor this July.  Lead single Yellow is a creative revelation for Brian, introducing a wave of psych elements, the prominence of his singing voice in new ways, and a more direct window into his pain.

47.) Sacred Paws - The Conversation

Indie rock duo Sacred Paws won the Scottish Album of the Year Award with their 2017 debut Strike A Match, and returned with more noodly goodness with May’s Run Around The Sun.  The Conversation was just one of a number of tracks on that record with a similar 90s sunshine sensibility that feels so blissfully hopeful and welcome in this era of existentialism in music.

[Almost It] [Brush Your Hair]

46.) Danny Brown - Dirty Laundry

With uknowwhatimsayin, his first record in the shadow of 2016’s Atrocity Exhbition, Danny Brown says his goal was to create a hodge-podge of sounds and ideas, like how when people tack ‘you know what I’m saying?’ to the end of heir sentences they’re usually not saying much.  The record comes off sounding much more New York than Detroit, but Danny keeps his manic energy, hitting his spots with a range of humor, wit, and tenacity over Q-Tip led production.  

[Best Life] [Change Up] [Combat] [Savage Nomad]

45.) Boy Scouts - All Right

Boy Scouts is Oakland singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist Taylor Vick, and her record Free Company made it across my desk relatively late in this process, as her stellar track Get Well Soon graced some other end-of-the-year lists.  But it was the chugging blues and golden refrain of All Right, complete with space confetti synths, that really permeated my being. One of those relatively soft songs you can still head bang to.  

[Get Well Soon]

44.) Brockhampton - Dearly Departed

Ginger was a step forward for the boys of Brockhampton, even if it failed to reach the same dizzying heights of any of the Saturation trilogy.  Still trying to find their footing in the wake of traumatic transition, BH have oscillated between an R&B sound (giving Bearface and Joba more reps and streamlining production) and a gritty oddball sound (more bombastic Romil production with Matt, Meryln, KA, and Dom front and center). Dearly Departed is the emotional centerpiece of Ginger and sees the group confronting the anger and pain that Ameer’s absence has left them with. 

[Sugar] [If You Pray Right]

43.) Oso Leone - Virtual U

Virtual U is a sticky ode to modern distance from Barelona-based band Oso Leone, who broke a 5 year fast with their third record Gallery Love back in March.  Striking a similar tone as modern bedroom bands like Rhye, with influences from the world of jazz, fusion, and 90’s pop, this one ripples with a meditative swagger. 

42.) Pivot Gang - No Vest (ft. Mick Jenkins)

2019 was the year where we finally got a handful of “Crew” records from some of the most vibrant gangs in hip-hop (with Travis’ Jack Boys project only releasing in the days before this was published), and the three big ones all made the list.  First up is Pivot Gang, the west-side Chicago clique who have been putting out diverse independent hip-hop for the past ten years. The group lives on without founding member John Walt, who was memorialized in group leader Saba’s tour de force Prom/King from last year.  Their first studio album You Can’t Sit With Us is littered with standouts, but here’s the Mick Jenkins featured No Vest, where you get to see all three core members turn a verse.

[Bible] [Mortal Kombat] [Hero]

41.) Kanye West - Follow God

It’s a strange time to be a Kanye fan on the eve of 2020. While he’s (thankfully) not following through on his promise to run for president this coming year, Kanye has continued to thrust himself into the social/political consciousness in recent years, and in increasingly destructive ways. I’ve always been a Kanye defender, partly because I understand the bond bond between art and artist to be inherently tumultuous, and because I’ve seen Kanye as an impulsive, narcissistic, and emotional, but ultimately harmless musical savant, who consistently reinvents himself and pushes genre forward. I thought The Life of Pablo was a flawed masterpiece, and furthered the notion of Kanye as a towering artist, both in reality and inside of his head.  His decision to scrap Yandhi and replace it with Jesus is King will become one of the more bizarre ‘what ifs?’ in hip-hop history, and the combination of his pseudo-religiosity and Trumpathy (just made that up) are signs of a man cracking under the weight of his own ‘icon’ obsession.  To Kanye, Trump represents the pinnacle of ego achievement, I don’t think he so much endorses the politics as much as he is blinded by the raw power of Trump’s being. As documented in the Jesus is King videos, Kanye is building a rural kingdom in Wyoming, Kardashian clan fully in tow, his personal brand of middle-age dad paranoia melding with the existential paranoia sitting heavy in the 2019 air.  But even with all of the baggage he brings these days, Kanye can still make remarkable music. Even at 1:45 Follow God is the standout moment from JiK, but if you want an indication of what the record may have sounded like in the Yandhi alternate timeline, and what this man is still capable of, check out the OG version of Selah linked below or revel in the power of Use This Gospel’s solo (whether you prefer Mike Dean or Kenny G).   

[Original Selah] [Use This Gospel]

40.) Gerry Read - It’ll All Be Over (DJ Koze Remix)

This is the second straight year that DJ Koze has made a loop-heavy dance floor smash that begs for repeat plays.  Last year it was his Gladys Knight sampling shake of Pick Up and this year it was his re-work of his label signee Gerry Read’s equally groovy It’ll All Be Over that nustled into a warm place in my subconscious.

39.) Dreamville - Costa Rica 

Here’s the second crew record to make the list, with the exuberant Costa Rica from Dreamville’s third Revenge of the Dreamers compilation.  The last installment of this series was all the way back in 2015 however, and even though label-head J. Cole remains the leader of Dreamville, III is a different monster purely in scale.  With a swollen features list, swollen track list, and a stable of new talent since 2015 that includes J.I.D and Earthgang, III is groundbreaking in its consistency and it’s commercial appeal.  Alongside posse cuts and introspective bangers, Costa Rica is notable in that it jams 9 artists into three and a half minutes and none of them are named J. Cole.   

[Wells Fargo] [Sacrifices]

38.) Joji - Sanctuary

Another memer gone good, Joji made this list for the first time last year with the understated sleeper Test Drive but in 2020 he left twitch subtlety behind for the quiet grandeur of Sanctuary. Appropriately laid over the backdrop of space opera and ruminating on the soul’s solace in love’s intimacy, Sanctuary is a stunning 180 for the man formerly known as Filthy Frank.

37.) Kevin Abstract - Joyride

It’s easy to feel like Brockhampton have been taking their sweet time with their music over the past two years, but the you remember that’s only because they put out three classics in 2017 alone, and then you realize that Kevin Abstact’s Arizona Baby is basically a BH companion record, and they probably scrapped at least two albums worth of music post-Saturation, and you realize the sheer pace these boys are moving at.  I personally felt Arizona Baby was a better record pound-for-pound than Ginger, and I think a lot of that is because Romil’s production really shines through, with the horns and atmosphere of Joyride being a great example. 

[Baby Boy] [Georgia]

36.) Tame Impala - Borderline

I'm not sure whether or not Kevin Parker is feeling the weight of expectation, but the uncertainty in the rollout for his fourth studio album (appropriately titled The Slow Rush and now scheduled for February) has been interesting to watch.  It’s not like an artist of Parker’s caliber to cave under public reception, but it seems like that’s ultimately what happened as he chose to delay the album after playing SNL and initially releasing two singles from the project back in April.  While the lead single Patience did feel a bit uninspired, the salt-breeze pop of companion Borderline has been in rotation ever since.

35.) Earthgang - Proud Of U (ft. Young Thug)

It was hard to pick an Earthgang track largely because it’s always hard to pick a Young Thug track.  I could have just as easily used this as his entry as well (more from him later), but Thugger and Earthgang deserve their own spot this year, with the latter releasing their major label debut with September’s Mirrorland, a refraction of their vibrant funk-rap.  While it may not be the best showcase of the style of Atlanta duo Johnny Venus & Doctur Dot, Proud of U was undeniable this year. More samplings from Mirrorland are linked below, and Venus is featured prominently on Dreamville’s terrific Sacrifices.  

[Bank] [This Side] [Top Down]

34.) Florist - Time is a Dark Feeling

Florist graced the list back in 2017 with the serene reflections of What I Wanted to Hold, a collection of polaroids, winter scenes through cold kitchen windows, dreams of warmth.  They’ve done it again this year with Time is a Dark Feeling, a contemplation of the void out ahead of us, and the way it clings to your bones with a hollow chill.

33.) Freddie Gibbs & Madlib - Crime Pays

5 years after Pinata, the initial studio collaboration of Gary Indiana heavy hitter Freddie Gibbs and legendary producer Madlib, the duo returned for the highly anticipated follow-up Bandana in June.  Freddie has been a favorite of mine the past several years and the flow is extra nice over Madlib production, like on the twinkle-laced ‘making it’ anthem Crime Pays.  Freddie and Danny Brown both share a love of Midwest disco style, and use their videos to play characters, act goofy, and explore their aesthetic.   

[Half Manne Half Cocaine] [Palmolive]

32.) Grace Ives - Mirror

This DIY pop number feels like it just shook itself into existence. It certainly shook itself into my brain this year, and to watch Brooklyn musician Grace Ives perform it, with sudden barks and stops and starts, it feels like it shakes her pretty good too.  

31.) Maxo Kream - Meet Again

With his second studio album Brandon Banks Houston MC Maxo Kream shows off one of the best voice/flow combinations in the game, as well as a growing storytelling ability, both on full display here on Meet Again.  Maxo uses prison correspondence to paint a picture of his life’s traumas: how money, drugs, and the judicial system have systematically destroyed those around him. You’re left almost as amazed at the story as you the skill with which he tells it.  

[Change] [8 Figures]

30.) Daughter Of Swords - Dawnbreaker

Man, the delicacy of this song is so wonderful. Daughter of Swords is the solo venture from former Mountain Man member Alexandra Sauser-Monnig, and the tenderness she crafts both in her finger picking and in the gentle lilt of her voice is so striking that Dawnbreaker is demanding of your attention on every play.  

29.) Young Thug - What’s The Move (ft. Lil Uzi Vert)

I told you that it’s hard to pick just one Thugger song. His best albums (So Much Fun is a good one) sort of flow into each other both in sound and in quality, so that every beat, ad-lib, and vocal cadence hits like a familiar friend, with no one song standing out. You’re not a fan of just one Thugger song, you’re a fan of the whole Thugger experience.   

[Surf] [Light It Up] [Ecstasy] [Circle Of Bosses]

28.) Bedouine - Bird

I was just going on about how the tenderness of Daughter of Swords felt so strikingly apart, but Azniv Korkejian (who records as Bedouine) specializes in those tender songs that grab you by the collar and hold you close.  The Syrian-American singer-songwriter recollects titans like Joni Mitchell and Leonard Cohen, as well as contemporaries like Jessica Pratt and Tobias Jesso Jr., and Bird is an entry equal to those masters.  

27.) ScHoolboy Q - Numb Numb Juice

Even though CrasH Talk was something of a flop for TDE stalwart ScHoolboy Q, he still managed to produce one of the best pure rap songs of the year with dizzying lead single Numb Numb Juice.  Packed with raw attitude along with memorable lines and cadences, it’s a song that feels a lot longer that its two minute run time and has crazy replay value.

26.) Davido - Disturbance

For those like me whose knowledge of world music trends is limited, you should know that Afrobeat (and more specifically Naija-beat from Nigeria) is having a moment right now.  With so much similarity to the more melody-driven hip-hop sound that’s so prevalent stateside, and the role the Toronto cliques have already had in incorporating island sounds to the masses the past few years, it makes sense that modern Afrobeat would have so much crossover appeal.  There’s a lot of artists primed to take advantage of that wave, but most agree that Davido is the current living legend of Afrobeat, and with perfect little songs like Disturbance from A Good Time, it’s easy to see why.  

25.) Angel Olsen - All Mirrors

Perhaps one of the current living legends of alternative music, St. Louis native Angel Olsen first graced this list all the way back in 2014 with the sorrowful May As Well.  Things have changed a lot in the past 5 years, with Olsen eventually evolving to a much more expansive, almost gothically theatrical sound throughout the crest that was her 2019 album All Mirrors.  The title track, along with the soaring Lark, are the best offerings.  

[Lark]

24.) Toro y Moi - Who I Am

Who I Am is off of Toro Y Moi’s terrific electronic/dance record Outer Peace from early January, whose lead single Freelance was one of my favorite songs from 2018, clocking in at #14 on last years’s list.  The rest of the record was equally strong, especially in Chaz’ ability to craft minimalistic chill electronica that still gets stuck in your head.  Most of those more laid back tracks are those below, because Who I Am is another upbeat party song in the same throbbing vein of Freelance.  

[New House] [Baby Drive it Down] [Monte Carlo]

23.) Nilufer Yanya - Melt

I had thought this may be the third time on the list for the low-key London songbird Nilufer Yanya, but in checking the record I’m reminded that she just put out a bunch worthy of inclusion back in 2017 when I first caught wind of her, starting with Golden Cage and culminating with Baby Luv.  Returning this year with March’s Miss Universe Yanya gives us another strong collection to choose from.  I’m partial to the jazz-club sound of Melt, but you can’t go wrong with these other three either.   

[Heat Rises] [Tears] [Safety Net]

22.) Denzel Curry - Ricky

One of the more consistent and unique young voices in hip-hop, Dade county’s Denzel Curry has been on the map for over 6 years despite not being 25 yet.  Starting with 2013′s cloud rap classic Nostalgic 64 (released while Zel was in high school) and graduating to critical emo-rap darling with last year’s Ta13oo, Curry decided to just hit us with some straight bangers in 2019 with Zuu.  

[Carolmart] [Speedboat] [Wish]

21.) FKA Twigs - sad day

The bulk of Magdelene (co-produced by 50 Track alum Nicolas Jaar) may not be the kind of music that I’m dying to listen to again and again, but I can’t deny the artistic plane that FKA Twigs (also an alum with 2014′s Two Weeks) is operating on throughout the record inspired by her tabloid breakup with actor Robert Pattinson. Tracks and videos like Cellophane are a remarkable testament to Twig’s raw emotive power (like bright liquid flowing from a freshly cracked melon), but it was the melodic flutterings and glitchy atmosphere of sad day that got lodged in my brain.

[Cellophane]

20.) (Sandy) Alex G - Gretel

This song, from Philadelphia indie artist Alex G, bounced around a lot throughout the process of this list, from the cutting room floor to the honorable mentions and ultimately all the way up to kicking off the top 20. Gretel might sound somewhat inauspicious at first, but there’s a lot to unpack here, and it benefited from being in rotation since the summer, making it a Maine-house stargazing staple.  With elements of acts like Elliot Smith, Broken Social Scene, and even the late Lil Peep, Giannascoli has carved a beautiful little space between genre.

19.) Frank Ocean - In My Room

Mostly in hibernation since the dual releases of Endless and Blonde back in 2016, Frank Ocean slowly begun sticking his head out of the cave in late 2020 with a trail of singles from a supposed forthcoming third studio album.  Two of the tracks were released across all platforms including the mumbly DHL, and three others (Dear April, Cayendo, Little Demon) that were released as vinyl-exclusive singles.  These four songs range from puzzling to promising, but despite the shipping reference Frank really only delivers on the final cut, the dualistic In My Room. On the first half of Room Frank gives one of his more cohesive and well performed rap verses to date, exploring themes of bravado, ambition, and hate, while the second half blossoms into his familiar melodic coos, both halves hopefully a harbinger of things to come in 2020.

18.) Beast Coast - Coast Clear

The third and final crew record on our list is from the collective known as Beast Coast, long an informal tag for the combination of three prominent Brooklyn groups who finally hybridized for a full-length project Escape From New York in 2019.  Beast Coast is Pro Era (Joey Bada$$, Kirk Knight, CJ Fly, Nyck Caution, Powers Pleasant, etc), Flatbush Zombies (Meechy Darko, Erick Arc Elliott, Zombie Juice), and The Underachievers (AK The Savior, Issa Gold).  All three of those groups have been featured individually on the list before so the hype was definitely real for me, and I was so thankful that Escape turned out so great.  Coast Clear was my personal favorite and served as the encore when I saw these guys in August (which was wild), but check out the video for Left Hand if you need a more formal introduction.  

[Left Hand] [One More Round] [Bones]

17.) Aldous Harding - The Barrel

Aldous Harding hails from Lyttelton NZ, a small town near Christchurch that lies on the same peninsula where I would often take the bus to have a day at the beach. The Barrel, a strange little dance/folk number, only found its way to me as I was combing other year-in-review lists this past month making sure I didn’t miss anything, which always makes for trickiness when ranking them among other songs I’ve been listening to for months. But the uniqueness of this track (magnified by the music video), the seamless way the backing vocals are integrated to the latter half of the song, and the Grateful Dead-esque guitar part combined to give me the sense that this one might endure into 2020 and beyond. 

16.) Daniel Caesar - Cyanide

Toronto’s Daniel Caesar has been one of my personal favorite R&B artists since I heard his track Death & Taxes back in 2015, his neo-soul/gospel sound culminating with 2017′s terrific Freudian. His second album Case Study 01 out this past June drifted away from that gospel influence and introduced more electronic and island sounds, as exhibited on the effervescence of Cyanide.  

[Entropy] [Frontal Lobe Muzik] [Restore The Feeling]

15.) Frankie Cosmos - Rings on a Tree

The evolution of Frankie Cosmos from minute-long journal-entry-style lo-fi bedroom recordings free on Bandcamp to full-band alt princess has been one of my favorite artist trajectories to witness, and she returned with her fourth studio record Close It Quietly this September. Now her fourth appearance on 50 Tracks, Rings on a Tree was featured as a full-band song on that record, but a stripped down piano version that was included on Kline’s Haunted Items EP from March is the version I’m giving you here. A hopeful little yarn about love and death and suicide.  

[Actin’ Weird] [41st]

14.) 2 Chainz - Money in the Way

I can’t tell you that I expected a 2 Chainz song to be in the top 15, especially above artists like Frank, Twigs, Angel, and Denzel.  I mean what is this, 2011? That my friends is the joyous power of Money in the Way: a triumphant, brass heavy victory lap and one of the most fun rap songs you’ll ever hear. I challenge you to not bop your head with a goofy ass smile to this one. 

[NCAA]

13.) SALES - Rainy day Loop (Parent’s House Remix)

SALES may not have put out a record in 2019 (they’re still touring 2018′s forever & ever) but they still managed to get a song on the list, as they released a remix of Rainy Day Loop from that record this past March. Keeping the core melody, but accelerating the pace and swirling in the drum kit, SALES create an entirely new song on the remix, so much so that I didn’t recognize it on first listen. The beat billows and bends through the atmosphere, with lines like ‘watch me fade away’ ‘stuck in a rut’ and ‘watching everything around me come undone’ supplying you with the chillest depressive episode ever.  

12.) Tierra Whack - Only Child

Looking back with hindsight on 2018′s list there were at least three major acts I missed.  The first was the self-titled album by one of my favorite electronic arts Chrome Sparks (see O, My Perfection), the second we’ll get to in a bit.  The third was Philly’s Tierra Whack, who put out one of the most unique, fresh, and ambitious projects I’ve ever heard with 2018′s Whack World, a 15-track album with a run time of less than 16 minutes due to each song being ~1:00 snippets that were deliberately made to sound incomplete but cohesive. She then shot a 16-minute video for the album, which showcases different sounds, flows, characters, and lyrical foci. One of the best things I heard this year by far.  She followed Whack World up with some loosies early this year, including Only Child which was promptly stuck in my head for a month.  This girl is so god damn creative it blows my mind. But as she says on Wasteland, ‘There’s a long line, there’s a wait.’

[Wasteland]

11.) Tyler, the Creator - A Boy is a Gun

Speaking of fascinating trajectories to witness, who would have seen IGOR coming from Tyler back in the early OF days? Taking his patented in-your-face persona, applying it to his newly open queerness, and splashed against a canvas of neo-soul maturity, heavenly samples, and his trusty voice mods, Tyler put out one of the more complete and personally meaningful albums of 2019, like a vicious snake shedding his beautiful skin.  

[Earfquake]

10.) Jai Paul - He

One of the most influential artists of the past ten years that you’ve probably never heard of, Jai Paul was on the precipice of music stardom back in 2012 on the strength of singles BTSTU and Jasmine.  Those two tracks were hugely responsible for breaking the levee of the modern electronic/pop sound further popularized by people like James Blake, whose output over the past decade has itself had wide-spread influence that spans genres.  Jai Paul was readying his full-length debut for 2013 when it got mysteriously leaked online, putting a series of events into motion that resulted in Paul essentially withdrawing from the music industry and eventually starting his own institute/label with his brother in his native UK.  Then, 6 years later and without warning, Paul re-surfaced with an official release of the originally leaked album as well as two new singles, one of which is He, the lovechild of Prince, Michael Jackson, and Bon Iver.

9.) Bon Iver - Hey Ma

Speeaaking of whom, Justin Vernon also returned with only his second record in the past 8 years and his first since 2016′s sterling 22, A Million.  Forever taking the vocal tech advancements he helped create and popularize and pushing them further into the future, I,I twists and contorts those sounds and places them on new sonic landscapes.  Lead single Hey Ma may be the most generally accessible of the album’s songs but it’s also the one that stuck the most.  Check out iMi for a taste of what the rest of the record sounds like.  

[iMi]

8.) Vampire Weekend - 2021

By far the most difficult song selection on the list this year, I would ask that you just view this as the Father of the Bride spot as opposed to just 2021, because as you can see below, I could have basically taken anything from the whole album (in fact, with the exception of #3 we’re basically in best album mode from here on out). A brilliant return from the biggest band in the world with assists from people like Haim, Steve Lacy, and Mark Ronson, FotB is a dizzying and vibrant record with a singular feeling despite its wide diversity of sound.  2021 was the second song I remember hearing from the record (after Harmony Hall) and despite its minimalism compared with the rest of the record, it was the one that took up the largest residence in my brain and also illustrates that half-dread/half-hope feeling that I’ve been trying to communicate throughout the list as a whole.   

[Sympathy] [Flower Moon] [Harmony Hall] [Bambina] [This Life] [Stranger] [Sunflower]

7.) SAINt JHN - Monica Lewinsky (ft. A Boogie wit da Hoodie)

Man, I can’t express how much this album took me by surprise and subsequently dominated my listening cycle for much of late summer.  SAINt JHN, the Guyanese-American former pop songwriter turned star who hit #44 on this list last year with his spacey party anthem I Heard You Got Too Litt Last Night destroyed any idea of one-song wonder with August’s Ghetto Lenny’s Love Songs.  Monica Lewinsky is my personal favorite but this album is crazy deep throughout; different moods, different flows, love songs, bangers, strip club jams, yell-it-out-the-car-window shit, Lenny fucking Kravitz people.  

[High School Reunion] [Who Do you Blame?] [5 Thousand Singles] [All I Want is a Yacht] [Trophies] [Borders] [Wedding Day]

6.) Whitney - Giving Up

Three years after their debut album Light Upon the Lake splashed onto the indie the Chicago’s Whitney returned in August with the equally satisfying Forever Turned Around. This record will forever be imprinted with images of back road New England foliage, oranges and yellows and browns. The build that starts after a moment of silence at 1:45 of Giving Up and continues for the next minute or so is one of my favorite moments in music this year. The way the brass and guitar take turns with that little riff is orgasm in music form, complete with the afterglow.  

[Valleys (My Love)] [Friend of Mine] [Used to be Lonely]

5.) Twin Peaks - Lookout Low

First off I want to complete my earlier thought and say that the final act I missed out on from the 2018 list was a duo named Grapetooth, the side band of Twin Peaks singer/guitarist Clay Frankel. Along with producer Chris Bailoni and inspired by 80′s Japanese New Wave their self-titled record was full of in-your-face tunes like Violent. Clay re-joined his fellow Twin Peaks dudes in 2019 and with Lookout Low they’ve continued to hone a mature sound that owes more to classic rock and bands like the Grateful Dead than their former DIY days would have suggested. This record made me sing along, play more guitar, and man did they put on a killer show when I saw them last month. Sweet noodly goodness.  

[Sunken II] [Better Than Stoned] [Casey’s Groove] [Dance through It] [Ferry Song]

4.) Caroline Polachek - Door

I was a fan of Caroline Polachek’s voice and style via her duo Chairlift, who broke up in 2016 but had great songs like I Belong in Your Arms and Amanaemonesia, so when I heard she was putting out a solo record I was intrigued.  Then I heard Door and it blew my gosh darn sock off.  Then I heard the rest of the album and shucks howdy if it didn’t blow the other sock clean off too. Polachek has such an amazingly etherial voice, and she’s learning to fully wield it it almost Caroline Shaw-like ways on October’s incredible Pang, which like SAINt JHN before her demonstrates so many different beautiful incarnations of her vocal talent.  

[So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings] [Go As A Dream] [Caroline Shut Up] [Look At Me Now] [Ocean of Tears] [Pang] [Hit Me Where it Hurts] [New Normal]

3.) Big Thief - Cattails

Big Thief released two very different albums in 2019 (U.F.O.F. and Two Hands) en route to their most successful and critically acclaimed year as a band.  And while I didn’t connect with either of those projects quite as much as I’ve dug their work in the past, they still managed to re-claim the same #3 slot they occupied on this list two years ago.  In 2017 it was on the back of the stunning Mary, and this year it’s with the equally affecting Cattails, a song that weaves together pain, joy, grief, and freedom and hits me right in the heart.  

[Orange] [Not]

2.) James Blake - Can’t Believe The Way We Flow

I mentioned the influence that James Blake has had on the past decade in music while talking about Jai Paul earlier, and while I‘ve seen and understood that impact for some time, that hasn’t always translated into my enjoyment of his output as a solo artist.  That changed with Assume Form, the fourth record from the London producer which saw him find new channels to explore the use of his voice (both his natural voice and distorted with endless layers of effect) as an instrument atop his skeletal creations.  Can’t Believe The Way We Flow rose to the top of a handful of great tracks from the project, with an Animal Collective-like sound and a refrain that’s probably about love, but could just as easily be about humanity tumbling down the flowing ribbon of time.

[Into The Red] [Don’t Miss It] [I’ll Come Too]

1.) Bibio - Curls

This was the first year in a while where I really had not idea what the #1 song might be until I really started getting into the list this past month. The past several years there’s been a clear leader (Amen Dunes, Brockhampton, Ultralight Beam, Mural), and while Bibio made the list back in 2016, it was with the decidedly electronic Light Up The Sky.  Ribbons, out this past April, was my first exposure to Bibio as a folk artist, and this record perfectly incapsulates what I was talking about in my intro as far as music that acts as a prism to shape my understanding of things.  Ribbons was the lens through which I saw the world this spring, and this album is full of written songs and instrumental tracks that create mood, that create feeling, that can brighten or provoke fear.  Curls is one of those rare songs that acts like a pensieve: gaze into it and feel it cradle you, watch as it paints dream-like pictures from your memories, feel its nostalgia, feel its sadness, feel hope, feel joy, and feel love.

[It’s Your Bones] [The Art of Living] [Before] [Old Graffiti] [Patchouli May] [Watch The Flies] 

[dannywirtheim-blog]

The Great American Eclipse in Review

From my perspective on the High Line: the image of a solar eclipse inside of a homemade camera obscura wows three people. 

I

I called off two days of work to experience The Great American Solar Eclipse. I called off the Sunday before and the day of the eclipse. I had no plans to leave New York City, where only 79% of an eclipse would be visible and during which most everyone I knew would be working. I set those two days aside for my own spiritual healing. Those days would offer a space for myself to experience the phenomena that I had faith would transcend my life and offer a much needed sense of clarity.

Like a lot of people I talk to, I had grown weary from the political debates and fighting that had leaked from the internet into my own thought-monologue as I commuted to and fro the restaurant where I work. I felt that The Great American Eclipse could help me deal with that. I felt that way because, at it’s core, the effect national politics was taking on my mental health was really a guise for a deeper and more personal conflict.

I had begun to feel as though I was a prisoner at that restaurant. The whole point of moving to New York was to become a professional reporter, but the restaurant was sucking me in. I was still searching for freelance stories, but in the past few months I had became transfixed and healed with my work in the restaurant. The work, making coffees and working the counter, had offered me a sense of catharsis that I was having difficulty finding anywhere else. And finding comfort in what I knew would be a dead-end job was unsettling to my dreams and aspirations. So I put my faith in The Great American Eclipse as a way of escape from my self-imposed captivity. I thought that if I could simply witness with my own eyes proof of the revolution of the moon and sun in their co-centric circles around the Earth, that perhaps I would come to some understanding and clarity regarding my own cycle of activity. Things happen like that and The Great American Eclipse felt like a good bet.

Lately, I have been looking for signs in bleak places. Just the other day I was killing a few minutes before my shift began when I noticed a small drawstring bag. I was listening to a podcast on current events, standing on the corner of Howard and Lafayette Street in SoHo when I noticed it lying on the sidewalk. I looked around for anyone attached to the bag, but no one seemed to acknowledge the bag’s existence. It seemed incredible that of all the people who had passed this busy street, no one had noticed the drawstring bag except for me.

It felt that the stars were aligned, that this bag was some type of clue, but it was still a dirty bag lying on the sidewalk. I walked over and kicked it. Whatever was inside was soft. There was writing on the bag, too, although I couldn’t make out what it read. I took one last look to see if anyone was watching and I picked up the bag. As I was undoing the draw strings I caught the text on the bag that read “Diva Cup.” I threw the bag down in disgust, feeling let down and in need of a good hand washing.

Since I took this journey to become a reporter, I have constantly had my feelers out, looking for signs in distressing situations. I usually come up short, but The Great American Solar Eclipse felt much more certain than a small drawstring bag on the sidewalk. And even if the eclipse couldn’t offer a tangible message, there was no way a person could witness something as wondrous as a solar eclipse and not find some metaphor for a feeling within.

II

The Thursday before the Great American Eclipse, I ordered a package of five solar eclipse glasses for pickup at the B&H store in Manhattan. The glasses were only sold in packages of five. I just needed one but reasoned that this was acceptable since people in the eclipse glasses industry only get a few shots at making a profit in their lifetime. I didn’t mind having extra glasses to share, either. So on the eve of the eclipse, I biked to Manhattan to pick up my five-pack of glasses and when I arrived at B&H workers were striking front of the main entrance.

I did not wait to figure out what the protest was about. Keeping my head down, I broke the picket line as an organizer screamed that I should stop. I felt guilty. Typically, I side with the workers by default, but I reasoned that in witnessing The Great American Solar Eclipse I was doing something for the greater good; by obtaining this five-pack of eclipse glasses, I would be helping five individuals to be transcended in this fantastic event. I was certain that somehow, in the long-run, our newfound sense of clarity would help these soon-to-be-laid-off workers.

Inside B&H, I asked a women where I could pick up my order and, without seeing my electronic order form, she asked if I was picking up eclipse glasses. I disliked that, how she had just looked at me and known my motives. I felt naked and afraid as she ushered me to a room with rows of cashiers pulling five-packs of eclipse glasses from bags and handing them to customers. I felt beaten as I picked up my five-pack of glasses, placed them shamefully into my bag so that the protestors wouldn’t see and slipped onto 9th Avenue through a secondary exit where no protestor would notice me.

I fell into the crowd of shoppers and made my way back to the main entrance, pretending to be just then strolling up. I scoffed at the shoppers who had so insensitively broken the picket line for their eclipse glasses and approached a man in a flat-cap who was passing out fliers. The fliers had a Jewish man’s portrait on the front and, lower on the page, a scowling rat that might have come from a Clipart library. The man in the flat cap explained to me that two warehouses were being closed in Brooklyn, and the whole thing was an act of union busting. He said that 300 workers were going to lose their jobs and that they had just unionized two years ago, although the warehouse owner, the Jewish man on the flier, had refused to set up a contract-signing, an act of union busting.

I could only say “oh,” and the man in the flat cap shook his head as if to say “what a shame.” I got back on my bike and left Manhattan with my five-pack of eclipse glasses and a new scene to feel depressed about.

III

One of the greatest questions to which I really don’t care to hear an answer for is “what is on the dark side of the moon?” It is a question that has never bothered or even particularly interested me. During an astronomy class in college, I learned why it is impossible for us to see the dark side of the moon. The science was interesting, but what really struck me about the dark side of the moon was how much people cared and wondered about a side of the moon that was probably just more moon.

Even if the dark side of the moon is not an interest of mine, people have a right to wonder — I can empathize with that. I have simply made a decision to prioritize the things within my range of control. I think it’s best this way, if I focus on understanding what I can do as an individual to help my condition rather than worrying about the dark side of things.

Not too long ago, I was making a walk of shame back to my apartment in Brooklyn and took the L line. I was on the subway, sipping an ice coffee through a straw, when a conversation next to me peaked my interest. Some guy, probably 24 or so, was talking to his girlfriend about a documentary he had seen the night before. It was a documentary that focused on the Illuminati, a group that, according to him, controls pretty much everything from when and how the world ends to what day your trash is picked up. I listened to the guy explain how Hitler possessed two of three religious items needed for total world conquest. Then I listened to him talk about a UFO battle that took place over Antartica. He also talked about white people inventing HIV to decimate the black population.

I was initially fascinated with the guy’s review, but I soon began to view him and his documentary as another very depressing scene. What he was talking about, really, was being so far removed from the levers of power that control his own situation that he had given credence to ideas so ridiculous that even he seemed lost. If he had access to a documentary on the Illuminati, he had access to documentaries on economics, politics and culture that would help him better understand the situation — even if it left him feeling more helpless. Sipping my coffee and watching that guy attempt to recite ancient Latin scripture on the L Train was among the most depressing sights I had seen in some time.

I tried to shake the thought that this sort of giving and giving in to fantastic ideas was indicative to the rise of Donald Trump. To me, Donald Trump is not entirely responsible for the person he has become. To me, Trump was born a blank slate in 1946, Queens and ever since the public, specifically people who give up on figuring out their systems of governance and give into fantasies, has molded him to be what he is now.

It started with his family. Trump didn’t even learn to crawl before his parents began injecting him with ego-steroids. And when his parents heard his bullshit, they took the bullshit, filled it with more ego-steroids and fed it back to him. It was a vicious cycle and it continued until he had enough in his veins that his over-flowing ego spilled onto a billboard. Then his father offered Trump the family company that, in the fashion of which Trump did everything, he turned into another self-promotional billboard. It became a vicious cycle of self adulation and then the tourists came to validate it.

The little old lady’s and farm-town faces stepped into Trump’s casinos poured their modest savings into his 3-dimensional billboards, feeding the ego even more. For them, it became a kind of religion. They would make trips to the casinos and to the hotels and sacrifice their wealth to a man who would never be happy unless he had billions of everything. It was a vicious cycle that no one chose to look at critically and, if they did, were so caught up in the religious fervor that it didn’t matter. And when the casinos became too small for Trump’s ego, he turned to television and his followers followed. They watched him because it was easy. Because he was decisive and held to a strict logic pressed into his brain since he was a baby in Queens: that he was the best no matter what. That was a value and thing people could believe in. And the people, with the infrastructure in place to worship the ego both through pilgrimage and television, always knew that with the time they spent in worship they could pick up books on finance and economics and learn about the flow of money themselves but instead concluded that making Trump a valid thing would be easier. They did that, they chose to go to the casinos and turn away from channels of knowledge that could actually help their situations and in doing so Trump almost did not have a say in the thing. It was almost as if he were acting out a role that the public had created for him. And when Trump’s ego was very real and very large and he finally ran for President, all he needed to convince was a nation that had already validated him and made him a billionaire.

I exited the train and headed home for a shower. I thought about how I would not like to have these types of thoughts any longer, how those thoughts made me feeling heavy, alone and like I never do enough. I thought about how, although I recognized a dark side to nearly everything, that I would prefer to stay on the light side of things.

IV

I considered the day of the eclipse, August 21, 2017, the last official day of my summer. I had spent the last two revolutions around the sun without climax. I graduated from college in 2015 and, since then, had taken some internships, some video editing and writing jobs, but for the most part I had sat at an in-between.

I had brought my bags to New York City looking for what I suppose could be called fame and fortune — and for all the right reasons, too. I had this dream that I would work for the New York Times, but with little working knowledge of the industry, less knowledge of the beat I wanted to cover and no networks with the people I needed to network with, I felt very far from that goal. Perhaps I was not persistent enough. I had knocked on every door, attended parties I was never invited to and talked to people who I was told had no business speaking to me, but something inside told me that it was more important to wait for a right moment rather than every moment. I was waiting for a climax that I had faith would come soon enough.

On the eve of The Great American Eclipse, after I had crossed the picket line to pick up my five-pack of glasses, I stopped at a friend’s rooftop barbecue. The crowd was almost entirely comprised of people who I had never seen before. A number of them were reporters for the New York Times, the institution that I consider a kind of Mecca.

Through some happening, I began talking to a woman with strong, smart eyes who told me about her section at the Times. She was easy to talk to and asked me many questions about myself. She was a little timid and I thought she might be a new writer, one who didn’t know better than to consort with a desperate person like myself. She seemed to enjoy talking to me and when she mentioned that she did not have eclipse glasses, I told her that I had just picked up five.

Later, when I got home, I looked at a photo of the gathering on social media and saw her name tagged in it. I decided that I would read some of her articles and look at her bio, just to get a sense for how she arrived at the Times. In her bio, the girl who I had thought was a new and timid writer was a Pulitzer Prize winner.

Knowing that I could talk to those who I admire with such ease made me feel that my dreams were much closer than I had imagined. I had not displayed an incredible sense of discipline in my work like she had, but I figured that under the dark of a moment of an eclipse, a guy like me could swiftly rise to the top. Anything could happen and that was the kind of existential weight I was putting on the eclipse, that it had the capacity to solve all of most problems, maybe even most of the world’s. And in my fantasy I had completely forgotten that the city was only getting 79% of the eclipse.

I decided that I would enjoy the eclipse with my friend Carlos on the High Line, which is a “linear park” built atop an old above-street train line.

Carlos is one of my best friends in the city and he was feeling pretty down lately. He said he needs to move somewhere else, get a change of scenery. My thought is that Carlos’ change needs to come from within. I told him that he should do the opposite of everything that he’s been doing, that this kind of sudden change will inspire more change. At the moment he’s working in a restaurant and doesn’t know exactly what he wants to do. That’s scary to me. I know what I want to do I just don’t know in exactly what capacity I should do it. Then there’s the getting to where I want to be that I have to worry about. But to not know what one wants to do, to be in the city feeling alone and down; that would be suffocating. So I thought it would be good to watch The Great American Solar Eclipse with Carlos, just to share a moment with a friend who needs a friend.

We brought two slices of pizza, three pairs of eclipse glasses — I had given the other pair to my roommate — and found ourselves an open section of the High Line, out of range of most of the taller buildings.

Shortly after we settled in, a young couple using camera obscuras homemade from cereal boxes and foil showed up. They were using their camera phones to try and capture the shadowy images happening inside their boxes. They seemed like nice, clean people. Then another girl showed up with only a cellphone and a camera filter. She seemed clean too, so I let that girl use the last pair of glasses I had and it felt good that my five-pack of glasses were all being used.

All of us watched the moon hover to about 79%, at which point the air had become cooler and the sky perhaps a shade darker. Although it was nice, there was no climax that we could feel and I was not sensing the clarity I had hoped for. I thought hard about everything. I thought about the moon, the Earth, the worker’s union, the man in the flat cap, Carlos, the other people on the High Line, the woman who dropped her Diva Cup, the Pulitzer Prize winner who was perhaps watching the same eclipse with the glasses I gave her, Donald Trump and the dark side of the moon. I thought about everything as 79% of the sun became invisible.

In my two days off, I did not come to a conclusion regarding my own life. I did note, however, that if The Great American Eclipse is a commercial distraction, it’s a distraction so intimate to the mechanics of the universe that nothing can shake its transformative power. No matter what it brings, an eclipse takes the form of whatever the viewer wills it to be. In the vacuum of light created by moon’s shadow, a person must and will fill it with something. Everyone effects the world, even if it’s tuning into a baby from Queens’ television show or playing out some religious casino ritual.

I stood there on the High Line, looking hard at my 79% of an eclipse, knowing full well that my perspective was small but that the ramifications of what I saw would be immense. I focused on that 79% of darkness and asked myself the only question I could think of, “what’s it going to be?”