#soleilwrites

[unxr0rdinary]

Aspiring Alcoholic

Pour a glass and drink it down,

keep it going until the room spins around.

My thoughts are quiet, not one sound.

This is what my father taught me.

I drink and drink, so i cant think.

And then suddenly i'll feel fine.

The warm comfort of wine.

In those moments are the only times i understood

my fathers state of mind. If thats how you silence your thoughts...

i learned, thats how ill silence mine.

[soleilsunflowers-blog]

it is okay to love

but don’t FALL in love.

everything that FALLS gets broken.

it’s okay to be open

but don’t let them see what your heart have hidden.

[unxr0rdinary]

There are times where i feel like i’ll never be able to be honest.

To be quite frank i think most of the time i keep my mind confined into something more modest. 

If i were to be honest, you would no longer wish to be here. Neither do i, its true; i fear. If i could disappear, from here, i would.

Id leave me if i could, but its just not possible. I’ll forever walk a path where i remain misunderstood.

Biting my tongue, and grinding my teeth.

My jaw aches at the way i bite down to protect the way your feeling.

Even if the way you treated me has left me reeling. 

But it’s okay, it comes with healing!

A door mat if you will, for the feeling of love, because i crave the thrill.

To be needed, and feel depleted without a thank you.

But if i were honest, rather than modest it would be clear, i fear.

That you never wanted me to be honest, you just wanted me to make you happy.

as promised.

[unxr0rdinary]

I'll always remember.

It was that one night sometime in September.

In the middle of the night, till four or whatever.

We sat together for what felt like forever. I told you i loved you and them came the pressure, realizing that you were my treasure.

[unxr0rdinary]

Sometimes i wanted you to just hug me,

Because i needed it, too. But you turned up the tunes, and i locked myself in my room.

There was nothing i could do that could help you.

[unxr0rdinary]

I have never felt special. Trapped inside this dying vessel, swallowing the pill that i wasn't essential.  I was never extraordinary, not even sub-par.  A convoluted concept, of dreaming hard and the ability to go far. Stuck in a body that i can barely claim as my own, and a brain so sick that its left me completely alone.  Dont pick me, i was never the one. I was too busy mulling over if my hands were strong enough to wield a gun. You’re a liar I tell my mind, as i have had this argument many a times.  To live a long life, and age with grace in spite of any trauma prior. But the space i fill feels wrong, it doesn’t quite have enough room for me. I’m always told i was meant to be happy, but i just simply do not agree. If you meet me, id heavily advise to be precautionary.  Because as you get to know me you will learn just as I did; I am simply, unextraordinary.

[unxr0rdinary]

It's always been a ; you and me.

Then before you know it -- its us, and then we.

The saying goes, as follows. Three's company.

Now its them, and me. Were instead of are.

Left behind, like a ghost in your mind.

Intimate strangers, that i use to know once upon a time.

[unxr0rdinary]

And to which, I cry alone.

Because self soothing is all I’ve ever known.

With every step being an act of violence, and speaking was simply talking back.

I cried.

I cried all the time because I felt so much emotions in such a small body that I just simply couldn’t express how I was feeling, so I cried.

And I cried.

And I continue to cry.

My skin gets dry and needy, parched by any lack thereof. Since so well acquainted like a morning and night routine.

But to them every tear was a weapon, a lie, an act of manipulation.

So as I cried, I was just so evil, to the world.

And now I forget. I cried so much in my tiny frame I simply drown and decayed.

I’ve died and rebuilt many times.

I’ve mourned more versions of me than I knew how to count at the time.

So now I forget.

Like throwing paper into a fire and watching it cease to exist. I must of envied the process.