#solar consumption

[renewableenergyindia]

Harnessing the Sun: A Comprehensive Guide to Solar Systems for Your Home

In a world where sustainability and renewable energy are at the forefront of technological advancements, harnessing the power of the sun has emerged as a promising solution. Solar systems for homes offer a gateway to cleaner, more affordable energy while reducing our carbon footprint. In this comprehensive guide, we delve into the intricacies of solar systems, exploring their benefits, components, installation process, and economic considerations.

Understanding Solar Systems:

At its core, a solar system for home consists of photovoltaic (PV) panels, an inverter, mounting hardware, and a monitoring system. These components work together to convert sunlight into electricity, which can power your home’s appliances, lighting, and other electrical devices. The process begins with sunlight hitting the PV panels, where semiconductor materials such as silicon absorb the photons and generate a flow of electrons, creating an electric current. The inverter then converts this direct current (DC) into alternating current (AC), which is compatible with your home’s electrical system.

Benefits of Solar Systems:

Cost Savings: By generating your own electricity, you can significantly reduce or eliminate your monthly utility bills, providing long-term savings on energy costs.

Environmental Impact: Solar energy is clean and renewable, producing no greenhouse gas emissions or pollutants during operation, thus mitigating climate change and reducing dependence on fossil fuels.

Energy Independence: With a solar system in place, you become less reliant on the grid, providing resilience against power outages and fluctuations in energy prices.

Increased Property Value: Homes equipped with solar systems often have higher resale values and appeal to eco-conscious buyers.

Government Incentives: Many governments offer incentives such as tax credits, rebates, and net metering programs to encourage the adoption of solar energy, further enhancing its affordability.

Components of a Solar System:

PV Panels: These are the heart of the system, comprised of multiple solar cells that convert sunlight into electricity.

Inverter: Converts the DC electricity generated by the panels into AC electricity suitable for household use.

Mounting Hardware: Secures the panels to the roof or ground, ensuring optimal orientation and angle for maximum sunlight exposure.

Monitoring System: Allows homeowners to track the performance of their solar system in real-time, monitoring energy production and identifying any issues promptly.

Installation Process:

Site Assessment: A professional installer evaluates your property to determine its suitability for solar installation, considering factors such as roof orientation, shading, and structural integrity.

Design and Permitting: Based on the site assessment, a customized solar system design is created, taking into account your energy needs and aesthetic preferences. The necessary permits are then obtained from local authorities.

Installation: The PV panels, inverter, and mounting hardware are installed according to the approved design, typically taking a few days to complete.

Connection to the Grid: Once the system is installed, it is connected to the electrical grid through a process called interconnection, allowing for the seamless exchange of electricity between your home and the grid.

Commissioning and Testing: The system undergoes thorough testing and commissioning to ensure it is functioning optimally and safely.

Monitoring and Maintenance: After installation, regular monitoring and maintenance are essential to ensure the continued performance and longevity of the solar system.

Economic Considerations:

While the upfront cost of installing a solar system for your home can be significant, it is essential to consider the long-term financial benefits. Factors to consider include:

Return on Investment (ROI): Calculating the payback period by comparing the upfront cost of the system to the savings on energy bills over its lifespan.

Financing Options: Exploring financing options such as solar loans, leases, or power purchase agreements (PPAs) to make solar more accessible with little to no upfront cost.

Tax Incentives and Rebates: Taking advantage of available incentives such as federal tax credits, state rebates, and utility incentives to reduce the cost of installation.

Net Metering: Leveraging net metering programs to receive credits for excess energy generated by your solar system, further reducing your electricity costs.

Conclusion:

Solar systems for homes represent a transformative solution to the pressing challenges of climate change and energy sustainability. By harnessing the power of the sun, homeowners can enjoy cost savings, environmental benefits, and energy independence. With advancements in technology and supportive government policies, solar energy is becoming increasingly accessible and affordable for households worldwide. Embracing solar power is not just an investment in a brighter future but a commitment to a cleaner, greener planet for generations to come.

[cognitivejustice]

Lined with department stores, malls and flagship stores for global fashion brands, the Huaihai Road has been described as Shanghai’s answer to Fifth Avenue or the Champs Élysées. But at the street’s latest destination venue, most of the clothes are produced by small local brands using materials such as old plastic bottles and used bicycle tubes.

Stretching over 7,000sq m on eight floors in what used to be a bright pink Barbie store, HAI550 opened last month as China’s first sustainable lifestyle mall. Backed by Youngor, a Chinese fashion retailer that owns international brands such as Undefeated and Helly Hanson and holds a stake in Alexander Wang, it is targeting affluent consumers.

“Our customers are normally well educated, they have overseas experience and they love design. They respect original designs,” said Cindy Wang, who runs a shop in the mall selling sustainably produced clothes and shoes.

“All the materials are recycled. The leather is recycled. The denim is recycled from plastic bottles and the sole is made from natural rubber and wine cork.”

[bitcoinversus]

How to Build Your Own Bitcoin Mining Data Center (Bitaxe Edition) + Spread Sheet Included

Embarking on the journey to create my own Bitcoin mining data center has been an exciting endeavor, involving precise planning, careful equipment selection, and a focus on efficiency. Here’s a breakdown of the components I’m using and why each one is essential for achieving a streamlined mining operation. The cornerstone of my setup is the Bitaxe Gamma 601 SOLO Miner. With a hash rate of 1.2…

[techtoio]

The Best Eco-Tech Products for an Energy-Efficient Home

Introduction

The newly developed innovations regarding eco-tech products have become necessary when building an energy-efficient house. Yet such innovation does not only lead to energy consumption reduction but also pulls efforts towards a sustainable future. Well, TechtoIO is forever committed to bringing the latest eco-tech products that make your home smarter, greener, and more performant. Here are the top products to make your house a comfortable and efficient sanctuary.

Now, with the Smart thermostats are one of the game-changers in energy-efficient homes. They learn your habits and optimize the temperature based on your habits and preferences so energy isn’t wasted when you’re not around. Among other smart devices, energy usage reporting with remote control in some popular monitored models include Nest Learning Thermostats and Ecobee SmartThermostat with voice control.

Optimized with significant energy savings, courtesy of smart thermostats, the efficiency of heating and cooling systems can increase. Read to continue link

[justalittlesolarpunk]

It’s solar and wind and tidal and geothermal and hydropower.

It’s plant-based diets and regenerative livestock farming and insect protein and lab-grown meat.

It’s electric cars and reliable public transit and decreasing how far and how often we travel.

It’s growing your own vegetables and community gardens and vertical farms and supporting local producers.

It’s rewilding the countryside and greening cities.

It’s getting people active and improving disabled access.

It’s making your own clothes and buying or swapping sustainable stuff with your neighbours.

It’s the right to repair and reducing consumption in the first place.

It’s greater land rights for the commons and indigenous peoples and creating protected areas.

It’s radical, drastic change and community consensus.

It’s labour rights and less work.

It’s science and arts.

It’s theoretical academic thought and concrete practical action.

It’s signing petitions and campaigning and protesting and civil disobedience.

It’s sailboats and zeppelins.

It’s the speculative and the possible.

It’s raising living standards and curbing consumerism.

It’s global and local.

It’s me and you.

Climate solutions look different for everyone, and we all have something to offer.

[me3dia]

I mean... it's not wrong.

[ii-zi]

Good news is we knocked 639 kWh off our electricity consumption. Which means almost a hundred dollars less than last bimester's bill. Bad news is that it still means we owe over 220 dlls LMAO

[eannpatterson]

Inconvenient data about electricity generation

I like a good infographic and this one showing annual energy flows for a country  is one of my favourites [see ‘Energy blending’ on May 22nd 2013].  Some governments produce them annually.  The image shows the latest one for the UK [2021]. It makes interesting but perhaps depressing reading.  Transportation using fossil fuels accounts for 31% (41.6/134.1 million tonnes oil equivalent) of the UK…

[foursolarhyderabad]

Hybrid solar systems offering greater solar power consumption and storage by leveraging the integration of multiple technologies. Four Solar is a professional EPC company that has undertaken projects totaling to more than 35 MW in India and other countries. We are committed to delivering premier and creative energy solutions. We emphasize on Design and Engineering models while considering the aesthetic appeal. We use a proven financial ROI model.

[electronalytics]

C-Si A-Si CIGS Solar Cell and Module Market Consumption Analysis, Business Overview and Upcoming Trends by 17- 2032

Amorphous silicon, copper indium gallium selenide, and crystalline silicon are three different types of solar cell technologies that are frequently employed in the market. The market for C-Si, A-Si, and CIGS solar cells and modules is described below, along with market trends, demand drivers, and the top 10 market-shaping variables:

Market Overview: Production and use of solar cells and modules based on C-Si, A-Si, and CIGS technologies are included in the solar cell and module market. The most extensively used technology is crystalline silicon (C-Si), but amorphous silicon (A-Si) and CIGS provide special benefits like flexibility, light weight, and greater conversion efficiency in particular applications.

From 2022 to 2030, the market for c-Si a-Si CIGS solar cells and modules is anticipated to increase at a CAGR of 5.3%

Trends:

1. Predominance of C-Si: Due to their established technology, high efficiency, and economies of scale, crystalline silicon solar cells and modules continue to rule the industry.

2. Efficiencies are being improved: To make A-Si and CIGS solar cells more competitive with C-Si technology, ongoing research and development activities are concentrated on enhancing their efficiencies.

3. Flexible and Lightweight Design: The fabrication of flexible and lightweight solar modules is made possible by CIGS and A-Si technologies, which creates new application opportunities in fields including portable electronics, curved surfaces, and building integration.

4. Cost Reductions: Cost reductions for all three technologies are made possible by improvements in manufacturing techniques, material utilisation, and economies of scale. As a result, solar energy is now more widely available.

5. Market segmentation: Various solar cell technologies locate specialised uses in accordance with their unique properties, such as C-Si in utility-scale installations,A-Si in consumer electronics, and CIGS in building-integrated photovoltaics

Demand Factors:

Energy Transition and Climate Goals: The global shift toward renewable energy sources, carbon reduction targets, and climate change mitigation efforts drive the demand for solar cells and modules of all three technologies.

Government Policies and Incentives: Supportive policies, feed-in tariffs, tax credits, and other financial incentives provided by governments encourage the adoption of solar energy and influence the market demand for C-Si, A-Si, and CIGS technologies.

Cost Competitiveness: The cost-effectiveness of solar cells and modules, including installation, maintenance, and long-term performance, is a significant factor driving their demand in the market.

Environmental Considerations: Solar energy's low carbon footprint and environmental friendliness make C-Si, A-Si, and CIGS technologies appealing options for sustainable power generation.

Application-specific Advantages: Each technology offers unique advantages that cater to specific applications, such as C-Si's efficiency for utility-scale projects, A-Si's lightweight nature for consumer electronics, and CIGS' flexibility for building integration.

Key Factors Influencing the Market:

Technological Advancements: Continuous research and development efforts to improve efficiency, durability, and scalability of C-Si, A-Si, and CIGS solar cells and modules drive market growth.

Manufacturing Scale and Cost Reductions: Increasing production scale, process optimizations, and economies of scale result in cost reductions, making solar energy more affordable and competitive.

Government Policies and Support: Favorable policies, subsidies, grants, and regulations supporting renewable energy deployment influence the demand for solar cells and modules of all three technologies.

Competitiveness with Other Technologies: The market competitiveness of C-Si, A-Si, and CIGS solar cells and modules compared to other renewable energy technologies, such as wind power or biomass, affects their adoption rates.

Building Codes and Standards: Compliance with building codes and standards and the ability to integrate solar modules into building materials influence the demand for BIPV applications using A-Si and CIGS technologies.

Material Availability: The availability and cost of materials like silicon, indium, gallium, and selenium impact the manufacturing and pricing of C-Si, A-Si, and CIGS solar cells and modules.

Reliability and Longevity: Ensuring the long-term performance, reliability, and durability of solar cells and modules are critical factors in building trust among end-users and investors.

Supply Chain and Manufacturing Capabilities: The maturity, efficiency, and reliability of the supply chain, including raw material sourcing, manufacturing processes, and distribution networks, impact the market growth of solar technologies.

Market Competition: Competition among manufacturers and suppliers of C-Si, A-Si, and CIGS solar cells and modules influences product quality, innovation, and pricing.

Regional Market Dynamics: Factors such as solar resource availability, government policies, economic conditions, and local energy demand shape the demand and adoption of C-Si, A-Si, and CIGS solar cells and modules in different regions.

These factors collectively shape the C-Si, A-Si, and CIGS solar cell and module market, driving their growth and influencing their level of adoption in various sectors and regions.

By visiting our website or contacting us directly, you can explore the availability of specific reports related to this market. These reports often require a purchase or subscription, but we provide comprehensive and in-depth information that can be valuable for businesses, investors, and individuals interested in this market.

“Remember to look for recent reports to ensure you have the most current and relevant information.”

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Market Segmentations:

Global C-Si A-Si CIGS Solar Cell and Module Market: By Company

• Solar Frontier

• SoloPower

• Stion

• Avancis

• Manz

• DowDuPont

• Siva Power

• Hanergy

• Solibro

• Miasole

• Global Solar

• Flisom

Global C-Si A-Si CIGS Solar Cell and Module Market: By Type

• C-Si Solar Cell Module

• A-Si Thin Film Solar Module

• CIGS Thin Film Solar Module

Global C-Si A-Si CIGS Solar Cell and Module Market: By Application

• Residential

• Commercial

• Ground Station

• Others

Global C-Si A-Si CIGS Solar Cell and Module Market: Regional Analysis

The regional analysis of the global C-Si A-Si CIGS Solar Cell and Module market provides insights into the market's performance across different regions of the world. The analysis is based on recent and future trends and includes market forecast for the prediction period. The countries covered in the regional analysis of the C-Si A-Si CIGS Solar Cell and Module market report are as follows:

North America: The North America region includes the U.S., Canada, and Mexico. The U.S. is the largest market for C-Si A-Si CIGS Solar Cell and Module in this region, followed by Canada and Mexico. The market growth in this region is primarily driven by the presence of key market players and the increasing demand for the product.

Europe: The Europe region includes Germany, France, U.K., Russia, Italy, Spain, Turkey, Netherlands, Switzerland, Belgium, and Rest of Europe. Germany is the largest market for C-Si A-Si CIGS Solar Cell and Module in this region, followed by the U.K. and France. The market growth in this region is driven by the increasing demand for the product in the automotive and aerospace sectors.

Asia-Pacific: The Asia-Pacific region includes Singapore, Malaysia, Australia, Thailand, Indonesia, Philippines, China, Japan, India, South Korea, and Rest of Asia-Pacific. China is the largest market for C-Si A-Si CIGS Solar Cell and Module in this region, followed by Japan and India. The market growth in this region is driven by the increasing adoption of the product in various end-use industries, such as automotive, aerospace, and construction.

Middle East and Africa: The Middle East and Africa region includes Saudi Arabia, U.A.E, South Africa, Egypt, Israel, and Rest of Middle East and Africa. The market growth in this region is driven by the increasing demand for the product in the aerospace and defense sectors.

South America: The South America region includes Argentina, Brazil, and Rest of South America. Brazil is the largest market for C-Si A-Si CIGS Solar Cell and Module in this region, followed by Argentina. The market growth in this region is primarily driven by the increasing demand for the product in the automotive sector.

Visit Report Page for More Details: https://stringentdatalytics.com/reports/c-si-a-si-cigs-solar-cell-and-module-market/10598/

Reasons to Purchase C-Si A-Si CIGS Solar Cell and Module Market Report:

• To obtain insights into industry trends and dynamics, including market size, growth rates, and important factors and difficulties. This study offers insightful information on these topics.

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• To comprehend consumer behaviour: these research studies can offer insightful information about customer behaviour, including preferences, spending patterns, and demographics.

• To assess market opportunities: These research studies can aid companies in assessing market chances, such as prospective new goods or services, fresh markets, and new trends.

• To make well-informed business decisions: These research reports give companies data-driven insights that they may use to plan their strategy, develop new products, and devise marketing and advertising plans.

In general, market research studies offer companies and organisations useful data that can aid in making decisions and maintaining competitiveness in their industry. They can offer a strong basis for decision-making, strategy formulation, and company planning.

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[engineeringdesignresources]

Energy Calculations

Mechanical Systems – Energy Calculations ARCHITECTURAL ENGINEERING PE EXAM SPECIFICATIONS Mastering Building Energy Calculations: A Guide to Efficient Construction In an era of environmental consciousness and rising energy costs, understanding and optimizing building energy calculations is crucial. Whether you’re an architect, engineer, or construction professional, having a firm grasp of energy…

[saferside]

[hoodreader]

𝒮𝒪𝐿𝒜𝑅 𝑅𝐸𝒯𝒰𝑅𝒩

♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི i theorize u can correlate each house to each month of the calendar. first house = first month, second house = second month, etc

♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི the ascendant will be used to read for how u enter the year, ur identity, ur sense of self, ur body, ur mindset, what drives / guides u for the duration of the year. read w chart ruler

♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི read the first, sixth, and eighth houses for health during the year. first house is general health, sixth house is health ailments / diseases / disorders, eighth house is mental illnesses / addictions / etc. . .

♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི twelfth house & saturn is ways we sabotage ourselves during a given year; where patience is a virtue, where + how u will be tested,, also represents endings and losses

♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི mars, uranus, pluto, south node, or neptune in fourth can show moving homes, particularly due to undesired reasons ( homelessness, eviction, etc ) same for afflicted moon especially in relation to the fourth

♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི healthy moon in fourth can also show moving maybe? moon is change / associated with moving

♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི infidelity & relationships. . . south node in fifth, twelfth house venus, seventh house lord in the eighth, pluto in seventh, all point to the end of a relationship. . . in fact, these were the placements i had in a solar return chart the year i got away from my abuser ov<

♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི nodes are operatively karmic - they act out of fate or destiny, and what u fail to ‘ sort out ’ will be sorted by them. so pay attention to the transits in respect to the sr nodes. north node represents insatiability, desire, seeking, materialism, consumption. south node represents detachment, lack of materialism, loss, surrender. transits to the nodes will be illuminative moments for u, same for the eclipses during that year

♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི the sr asc u have relative to ur natal asc says a lot about the trajectory of ur life / selfhood / spirit. like. . . if ur natal asc is opposite ur sr asc, u will naturally have a lot of one-on-one interactions that are significant but also. . . u could literally feel ‘ displaced ’, since the seventh is the house furthest from the first. u could feel pulled in two diff directions, confused, torn, etc. etc, the year’s theme will be about balance and duality. stuff like that

♡ ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི i recommend celibacy if there is a node-venus, venus in twelfth, venus in eighth, venus-saturn, fifth house lord in twelfth or eighth, node-fifth placement

[reasonsforhope]

"A 1-megawatt sand battery that can store up to 100 megawatt hours of thermal energy will be 10 times larger than a prototype already in use.

The new sand battery will eliminate the need for oil-based energy consumption for the entire town of town of Pornainen, Finland.

Sand gets charged with clean electricity and stored for use within a local grid.

Finland is doing sand batteries big. Polar Night Energy already showed off an early commercialized version of a sand battery in Kankaanpää in 2022, but a new sand battery 10 times that size is about to fully rid the town of Pornainen, Finland of its need for oil-based energy.

In cooperation with the local Finnish district heating company Loviisan Lämpö, Polar Night Energy will develop a 1-megawatt sand battery capable of storing up to 100 megawatt hours of thermal energy.

“With the sand battery,” Mikko Paajanen, CEO of Loviisan Lämpö, said in a statement, “we can significantly reduce energy produced by combustion and completely eliminate the use of oil.”

Polar Night Energy introduced the first commercial sand battery in 2022, with local energy utility Vatajankoski. “Its main purpose is to work as a high-power and high-capacity reservoir for excess wind and solar energy,” Markku Ylönen, Polar Nigh Energy’s co-founder and CTO, said in a statement at the time. “The energy is stored as heat, which can be used to heat homes, or to provide hot steam and high temperature process heat to industries that are often fossil-fuel dependent.” ...

Sand—a high-density, low-cost material that the construction industry discards [Note: 6/13/24: Turns out that's not true! See note at the bottom for more info.] —is a solid material that can heat to well above the boiling point of water and can store several times the amount of energy of a water tank. While sand doesn’t store electricity, it stores energy in the form of heat. To mine the heat, cool air blows through pipes, heating up as it passes through the unit. It can then be used to convert water into steam or heat water in an air-to-water heat exchanger. The heat can also be converted back to electricity, albeit with electricity losses, through the use of a turbine.

In Pornainen, Paajanen believes that—just by switching to a sand battery—the town can achieve a nearly 70 percent reduction in emissions from the district heating network and keep about 160 tons of carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere annually. In addition to eliminating the usage of oil, they expect to decrease woodchip combustion by about 60 percent.

The sand battery will arrive ready for use, about 42 feet tall and 49 feet wide. The new project’s thermal storage medium is largely comprised of soapstone, a byproduct of Tulikivi’s production of heat-retaining fireplaces. It should take about 13 months to get the new project online, but once it’s up and running, the Pornainen battery will provide thermal energy storage capacity capable of meeting almost one month of summer heat demand and one week of winter heat demand without recharging.

“We want to enable the growth of renewable energy,” Paajanen said. “The sand battery is designed to participate in all Fingrid’s reserve and balancing power markets. It helps to keep the electricity grid balanced as the share of wind and solar energy in the grid increases.”"

-via Popular Mechanics, March 13, 2024

--

Note: I've been keeping an eye on sand batteries for a while, and this is really exciting to see. We need alternatives to lithium batteries ASAP, due to the grave human rights abuses and environmental damage caused by lithium mining, and sand batteries look like a really good solution for grid-scale energy storage.

--

Note 6/13/24: Unfortunately, turns out there are substantial issues with sand batteries as well, due to sand scarcity. More details from a lovely asker here, sources on sand scarcity being a thing at the links: x, x, x, x, x

[zvaigzdelasas]

Instead of burning fossil fuels to reach the temperatures needed to smelt steel and cook cement, scientists in Switzerland want to use heat from the sun. The proof-of-concept study uses synthetic quartz to trap solar energy at temperatures over 1,000°C (1,832°F), demonstrating the method’s potential role in providing clean energy for carbon-intensive industries. A paper on the research was published on May 15 in the journal Device.[...]

Glass, steel, cement, and ceramics are at the very heart of modern civilization, essential for building everything from car engines to skyscrapers. However, manufacturing these materials demands temperatures over 1,000°C and relies heavily on burning fossil fuels for heat. These industries account for about 25% of global energy consumption. Researchers have explored a clean-energy alternative using solar receivers, which concentrate and build heat with thousands of sun-tracking mirrors. However, this technology has difficulties transferring solar energy efficiently above 1,000°C.

To boost the efficiency of solar receivers, Casati turned to semitransparent materials such as quartz, which can trap sunlight—a phenomenon called the thermal-trap effect. The team crafted a thermal-trapping device by attaching a synthetic quartz rod to an opaque silicon disk as an energy absorber. When they exposed the device to an energy flux equivalent to the light coming from 136 suns, the absorber plate reached 1,050°C (1,922°F), whereas the other end of the quartz rod remained at 600°C (1,112°F).

“Previous research has only managed to demonstrate the thermal-trap effect up to 170°C (338°F),” says Casati. “Our research showed that solar thermal trapping works not just at low temperatures, but well above 1,000°C. This is crucial to show its potential for real-world industrial applications.”

Using a heat transfer model, the team also simulated the quartz’s thermal-trapping efficiency under different conditions. The model showed that thermal trapping achieves the target temperature at lower concentrations with the same performance, or at higher thermal efficiency for equal concentration. For example, a state-of-the-art (unshielded) receiver has an efficiency of 40% at 1,200°C, with a concentration of 500 suns. The receiver shielded with 300 mm of quartz achieves 70% efficiency at the same temperature and concentration. The unshielded receiver requires at least 1,000 suns of concentration for comparable performance.

17 May 24

[stllmnstr]

all the things I never said

pairing: lee heeseung x f reader

genre: childhood friends to lovers

word count: 7.3k

warnings: swearing, alcohol consumption, heeseung is so romantic I want to die a little, a kiss that gets quite heated, this is very much unedited

note: happy (almost) Heeseung day! I hope you enjoy this little romantic take on childhood friends to lovers ♡

⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖

Lee Heeseung has a secret.

It’s scribbled on a forgotten note, tucked away in a bottom drawer, carved with a shaky hand into the aging wood of his childhood treehouse. 

Sometimes, on cloudless nights, he looks up at the stars and tells them what he’s been hiding for so long. In response, the midnight sky twinkles in a way that looks all too much like laughter. 

On afternoons in late autumn, Heeseung whispers the truth to the wind and watches as it’s carried away with an array of dead leaves. 

A million little gestures. A thousand tiny moments that are inconsequential on their own. But when pieced together, string a story so obvious he’s not sure if his heart could ever handle it. 

But he’s not sure what would happen, if he shouted at the top of his lungs instead of confiding the world around him in hushed whispers. 

He’s a firm believer in balance and is terribly afraid that letting words drip from his tongue would only spell disaster.

So for now, he lets Mother Nature serve as his only confidant and hopes that she’ll keep her vows of silence.

There was a time, not all too long ago, when his secret wasn’t, well, a secret. When he used to speak freely and honestly without a fear of the future, without anxiety of repercussions.

But all secrets have their reasons, and all stories have a beginning.

For Heeseung, both begin on a rather ordinary afternoon in early summer nearly twelve years ago. 

…

Heeseung’s right palm is annoyingly sweaty. So much so that the shaky grip on his pencil is in danger of being lost. 

Half of his attention is directed towards the front of the classroom, where his fourth grade teacher reiterates the guidelines for the upcoming solar system project.

The other half is trained directly on the small white note currently clutched between Mina’s fingers. 

Even at nine, Heeseung knows she’s a terrible gossip that can’t be trusted. Just earlier today, she spent all of morning recess hounding poor Jake about his supposed crush on her best friend. She was unrelenting, no matter how fervently Jake denied the accusation or how crimson his cheekbones turned.

Unfortunately for Heeseung, she also sits directly between you and him. A particular stroke of cruelty on Mrs. Kim’s part, in Heeseung’s opinion, but the desk arrangement of his fourth grade classroom is the least for his worries at this point.

He swallows. A bead of sweat forms at the edge of his hairline. Late May has tumbled into his hometown with an unseasonable warmth, but that’s not the reason for his perspiration this afternoon.  

With an audible swallow, he locates the paper in his peripheral vision. 

Still clutched between Mina’s fingers. 

Mrs. Kim has turned her back at least three times since he handed the note off with very clear directions about who to give it to. There’s no reason Mina should still be turning it over between her sticky fingers.

Unless…

No. Heeseung won’t assume the worst. Not when it took him nearly the entire school year to work up the courage. 

With one final repetition of the project due date, Mrs. Kim slides off of her chair at the front of the room and walks to her desk tucked away in the opposite corner.

Heeseung’s heart skips a beat.

It’s the perfect opportunity, a golden window.

He glances at Mina, half terrified, half excited.

This is it. The moment he’s been waiting for. The moment he’s been mustering up courage for over the past six months. 

He’s doing it. It’s happening. It’s really happening.

And then, all at once, his excitement starts to transform. Starts to turn into dread before it morphs into worry. 

“Uh, Mrs. Kim?” It’s Mina’s voice. And Heeseung knew she liked to spread rumors, but he didn’t think that would extend to their teacher. 

Heeseung is panicking, trying to figure out a way to save face, to avoid the detention that is sure to come with the classroom crime of passing notes. 

Mrs. Kim looks up from her desk. Heeseung thinks he might pass out.

But then Mina says, “I don’t think ___ feels too good.”

For a moment, Heeseung basks in the relief of not having his secrets spilled in the middle of silent work time. But then, the words register. Form meaning in his mind. 

The loud screech of metal against linoleum rings out like a gunshot in the otherwise quiet classroom. Heeseung stands up from his seat with a ridiculous speech. It’s a miracle he didn’t know anything off his desk. And he didn’t mean to, not really, but he couldn’t see you around Mina sitting down.

At first glance, her appraisal seems to be correct. You’re pale, terribly so, and shaking slightly where you sit in your seat. 

Heeseung doesn’t realize his mistake until Mrs. Kim turns to look at him with a raised eyebrow and most of the class does the same. 

In the back corner, Jake and Sunghoon share a meaningful glance.

“Uh,” Heeseung stammers, “Sorry.” Red faced, he takes his seat again. This time, he’s more covert as he turns his gaze back to you. 

Mrs. Kim approaches your desk quickly. “Hi, Sweetie,” she greets in that voice she has reserved for scraped knees and other ailments. “Are you feeling okay?”

You shake your head. It’s a minuscule movement that Heeseung tracks intensely. 

Mrs. Kim lays a gentle hand across your forehead. “You’re burning up.” She frowns. “Why don’t you head down to the nurse? I’ll let her know you’re on your way.”

Again, you say nothing. The only response you give is a small nod as you gather the materials sprawled across your desk.

Heeseung watches, a little pathetically, as you place them carefully in your cubby before leaving through the door.

You do turn to look at him, just before you exit. When you find his eyes already trained on you, you give him a small smile.

Heeseung’s heart clenches. Whether in fear or anxiety or the same funny feeling that made him spill his heart in the note, he’s not entirely sure.

And then you’re gone. Heeseung makes a mental note to check in with you later, ride his bike the short distance between your neighborhoods and knock on your front door. Your mother is no stranger to his appearances at this point, after all. He won’t bug you, not if you’re resting. But he’ll check in on you, maybe bring you some tea or soup or flowers or whatever else grown ups always say is supposed to make you feel better when you’re sick. 

He’s so caught up in his sudden afternoon plans that he almost forgets the paper, the note, still sitting between Mina’s fingers. 

Oh well.

He’ll have to try another day, he supposes. It’s not fair to put anything else on your plate when you’re not feeling well.

Heeseung shifts in his seat, turns to ask Mina to just give him the note back. To his horror, she’s already begun to undo his careful folding. The kind of edges only someone who spends long afternoons doing origami with his grandmother could manage. 

“What are you doing?” Heeseung hisses, trying to shout without breaking a whisper.

Mina pays him no mind, swats the air like he’s nothing more than a buzzing fly. 

“Stop,” Heeseung pleads, “That’s not for y–”

But Mina doesn’t care. Much to his horror, she unfolds the note entirely, leaves it tucked discreetly beneath her desk.

Sparing one final glance at Mrs. Kim, she confirms that her attention is elsewhere. And then she reads it.

It’s unmistakable, the way her eyes scan over words that were never meant for her.

Heeseung has half a mind to cause another scene, stand up out of his seat again and snatch the note from her, detention be damned.

But it’s too late. The damage is done.

Mina turns to face him fully, a quizzical look pulling her brow downwards. She stares at him, eyes narrowed, appraising, as if this is the first time she’s seen him. 

And then she folds the note back up, tucks it away underneath her notebook. 

A million awful scenarios flash through Heeseung’s mind. Mina making copies of the note and distributing them to the entire class. Mina taking the note to Mrs. Kim and ratting him out. Mina making sure the entire school is privy to Heeseung’s secret before the day is done.

But in the end, he doesn’t need to worry about any of that. After an agonizing stretch of silent work time where Heeseung gets absolutely nothing done, Mina finds him outside the classroom at the water fountain. 

Heeseung is in the middle of downing a near concerning amount of lukewarm fountain water when she walks up next to him.

Lifting his head, Heeseung wipes the spare drops from his mouth.

“Here,” Mina hands him the note. She tried to fold it back up, but it was clearly done with inexperienced hands. The lines are no longer crisp, the edges no longer sharp. His work has been tainted.

“I…” Heeseung starts. Should he thank her? Beg her not to tell anyone? Plead with her not to tell you? 

Ultimately, he doesn’t need to. Mina cuts him off before he can get another word out.

“Don’t worry. I’m not gonna tell anyone.”

Heeseung will believe it when he sees it, but maybe, just maybe, Mina will actually keep a secret to herself this time. 

Heeseung exhales a sigh of relief, tension draining from his shoulders. The victory is short lived.

“You shouldn’t give that to her, though.”

Heeseung balks, freezing for a moment. “What?”

“That note.” Mina nods towards the item in question, clutched between Heeseung’s white knuckles. “Don’t give it to ___.”

Heeseung’s brow furrows. He can’t decide whether he should be angry or confused. This was never meant to be something for Mina to pass judgment on. If he wanted her two cents, he would have asked. 

Still, he asks, “Why?”

Mina sighs, looks at him like he’s an orphaned panda in the local zoo. “Because she likes Jay, not you. Everyone knows about it. She gave him a Kit Kat on Valentine’s Day when everyone else just got a Hershey Kiss, and everyone knows that Kit Kats are better. Plus, she–”

Heeseung doesn’t hear the rest of it. It’s as if he’s suddenly been submerged in icy water. Frozen in his body as the world around him is muffled to a dull, indecipherable hum. His heart drops to his stomach; the world spins on its axis.

Jay. 

Jay?

Jay?

Heeseung likes Jay. He’s smart and kind and can play the guitar, which Heeseung can’t deny is incredibly cool. Too cool. So, painfully cool, and you must think so too. 

Heeseung wants to cry a little bit. Wants to scream. Wants to eat his feelings and his words and his incomplete confession until there’s nothing left of them and this whole terrible day is nothing but a faded, forgotten memory. 

Instead, he turns away from Mina mid-sentence and takes robotic steps back into the classroom. Slides down into his seat like he’s in a trance. Finished out the school day with his head in the clouds.

You don’t return to class. Heeseung assumes that you went home straight from the nurse’s office. 

And when Mrs. Kim catches him at the door and asks if he’d be willing to bring your backpack to you, all he can do is give a miserable, dejected nod. 

Mrs. Kim has the tact to not say anything, but she does notice. Especially since he’s usually jumping out of his seat at the opportunity to do anything remotely revolving you. 

She watches with a frown as he exits through the classroom door, head hung and shoulders slumped. Your backpack dangling uselessly between his fingers. 

The air outside is warm, uncharacteristically so for late May. But now it’s choking with something too. A humidity that clings to skin and feels foreboding, especially with the way clouds begin to gather overhead. 

Heeseung is halfway to your house when the rain begins. It’s thick, heavy, unforgiving in the way summer showers always are. 

When he dismounts his bike at the edge of your driveway, he’s in such a hurry to get your things to you before they’re soaked through that he doesn't notice the small, white paper that falls out of his pocket with the motion. 

Just as he predicted, your mother greets him at the door. She’s thankful for your school things and mildly horrified at the dripping wet child on her doorstep. She offers him a towel and a ride home in her car, both of which Heeseung declines politely. 

By the time he finishes the ride home, he is well and truly soaked. He’s grateful, at least, for the way rain disguised the singular tear track that stains his left cheek.

And later than night, dry and warm and alone, he lets one more tear fall. Laying against his pillow, it’s warm where it gathers in the corner of his eye, salty as it breaches the barrier of his top lip.

And then he makes a decision. Despair will do him no good, and it’s not like anything has changed, not really. 

It’s you that he values, your presence and your friendship and your smiles. He won’t lose those things, even if you save all your Kit Kats for Jay. Even if he has to banish the butterflies in his stomach and hope they don’t escape. Even if he has to pretend his heart doesn’t hurt a little every time he looks at you. 

But summer is coming soon and his year in fourth grade is nearly done. There are lots of things to look forward to, and you’ll still be just a short bike ride away. Even if your heart suddenly feels unreachable.

When Heeseung falls asleep that night, his sleep is dreamless and undisturbed.

And a handful of neighborhoods away, a small white piece of paper sinks to the bottom of a puddle. Soaked from the rain and worse for wear, the careful writing is nearly unintelligible. 

But if someone wanted to, if they really tried, they just might be able to make out the message. 

Dear ___, it reads.

I think you have the prettiest smile I’ve ever seen. I like the way your hair looks in the sun, and I’m glad we’re in the same class. I couldn’t decide how to tell you, so I think I’ll just write it here. I like you. I think you’re pretty and smart and nice and I like you a lot. Can I buy you ice cream at the shop at the end of your street? We can eat it together. :)

Sinceerly,

Sincerely,

Heeseung

…..

The early afternoon sun glints off the ocean in a way that’s almost blinding. Seated on a faded beach towel that’s more sand than fabric at this point, Heeseung readjusts his sunglasses. They sit on the bridge of his nose and do less to shield his wandering gaze than he thinks. 

He reaches for the tote bag a few feet away from him, hands in search of the extra strength sunscreen his mom packed two bottles of and reminded him no less than fifty times to reapply. Heeseung figures now’s as good a time as any to follow her instructions. He’s half afraid she’ll actually wring his neck if he comes back sunburnt with his first day of eighth grade just around the corner. 

Besides, the current object of his attention is down at the water’s edge. Heeseung thanks his lucky stars you’re too preoccupied with searching for seashells to watch as he slathers a ridiculously high SPF sunscreen all over his face.

Early August has been milder than late July, but the air is still heavy with a heat that’s almost oppressive. He has half a mind to join you in the water for a reprieve from the weather if nothing else. 

Despite himself, Heeseung’s eyes never stray far from you. Disaster of a fourth-grade confession aside, he likes to think he’s done a decent job of keeping his feelings close to his chest. Not that they’ve ever changed much, to be honest. 

He’s old enough now, far enough into the painfully awkward clutches of puberty to put more words to the way his heart always feels a little funny whenever you’re near. 

He has a crush. 

A high school, sweaty palm, awkward conversations at your locker between periods crush. 

But Heeseung is a master of disguise and this is no exception. For the last six years, he’s held up his side of your steady friendship with nothing outside the realm of platonic. 

Even if his gaze always tends to linger a little too long, even if he spends most of every middle school dance standing on the sidelines imaging you asking him to join you, even if he never has quite been able to look at Jay the same way, he’s happy to be your friend. Content in the comfortable routines between the two of you. The easy kind of closeness that comes with growing up with someone. 

For better or for worse, he knows you like the back of his hand. And you know him just as well. Besides the one secret he never can quite bring himself to divulge, that is. 

On a towel a few feet away, Sunghoon glances at Heeseung. Follows his gaze and is less than surprised to find that his lovesick puppy eyes are trained squarely on your shoulders. 

Sunghoon nudges Jake, wordlessly gesturing to Heeseung with a jerk of his chin. Jake follows the movement, traces the same line of sight Sunghoon noticed just moments ago. 

The two boys share a look and then an eye roll. 

It’s been the same old story since their shared days in Mrs. Kim’s fourth grade class, and Sunghoon is growing weary of witnessing this same old song and dance never reach any kind of conclusion. 

Sunghoon clears his throat. Heeseung doesn’t notice. 

A bit louder this time, Sunghoon says, “Hey, Heeseung.”

That finally gets his attention, even if it does take him a comically long time to take his eyes off of you. “Yeah?”

“You could, oh, I don’t know, just talk to her, you know.” 

“What?” Sunghoon can’t tell if his confusion is genuine or if he’s suddenly become a fantastic actor. “Who?”

“Is that a joke? ___. Who else?”

Heeseung’s brow furrows. “___?” He echoes. “I talk to her all the time. I invited her today.”

“Yeah, okay, but I mean really talk to her.”

“I don’t know how you think we communicate, but I did ‘really talk to her’ when I asked if she wanted to come to the beach t–”

Jake sighs. He’s not sure how much more of this he can take. “He’s saying you should tell her that you like her, idiot.” 

“What?” Heeseung splutters. “I don’t… I don’t like ____,” he insists in a way that is not at all convincing. 

“Right,” Sunghoon nods. “And I’m going to pass algebra with an A next semester.”

“We’re friends.” Despite himself, Heeseung glances at you again out of the corner of his eye. His stomach gives a very unfriendly flip, but the two boys next to him don’t need to know that. 

“I don’t get why you’re still so weird about it.” Sunghoon shakes his head. “You’ve literally been obsessed with her since, like, fourth grade.”

“Yeah,” Jake nods. “Remember that day she got sick in class and he nearly knocked his chair over because he stood up so fast—”

“I was worried about my friend,” Heeseung insists, desperate to change the topic. That day is a particularly sore memory for more than one reason. “I would have done the same for either of you.” 

“Uh, no thanks.” Sunghoon shakes his head. 

“I’ll pass too,” Jake agrees. “You can save all that lovesick shit for—” 

“Lovesick?” a voice interrupts. “Who’s lovesick?” 

Three sets of eyes turn to you, two colored in mild humor and one tinged with abject horror. 

Sunghoon reaches over with devious intent in his grin. Patting Heeseung on the shoulder, he responds, “Well, your friend Heeseung here—”

“Heard Jungwon talking about a new girl he met this summer.” Heeseung interjects desperately, pausing only to send his two friends a withering glare. “I guess he’s super into her.”

“Oh, really?” Oblivious to the sighs of frustration Sunghoon and Jake exchange, you slide down in the seat next to Heeseung. “Good for him. Between school and dance and taekwondo, I thought he’d always be too busy to meet someone.” 

Nudging the boy next to you, you add, “Kinda like someone else I know. I’m surprised you had time for the beach today with basketball starting so soon.”

In all honesty, he doesn’t. Heeseung should be at the court near his house right now, practicing layups. At the very least, he should be going for a run or getting some pre-season cardio in. 

But you’ve been mentioning wanting to go on one last trip to the beach before the school year starts for weeks now, and Heeseung has never been good at denying you much. Well, other than access to his real feelings, that is. 

Feigning a nonchalance he doesn’t feel, Heeseung shrugs. “I can take a day off every now and then.” 

“Oh, really?” You arch a brow. Because I heard that a certain someone asked you to the movies last week and you said you were too busy,”

For you. Heeseung should have clarified. I can take a day off for you.  

“What?” Sunghoon pipes up. “Who?”

“No one,” Heeseung grumbles. 

Rolling your eyes, you lean over him, angling your face towards Sunghoon conspiratorially. “Her name rhymes with Schmarina.”

“Dude!” This time, it’s Jake who slaps him on the shoulder. “Karina asked you out and you said no? Are you stupid?”

“No,” Heeseung protests. “She didn’t even ask me out. It wasn’t like that.”

“Mhmm.” Sarcasm drips from your voice. “That’s not what Mina said.”

That absolute gossip. “RIght, because you can always trust what Mina says.”

“Sunoo confirmed it too.”

“He’s just as bad!”

“Okay, okay.” You raise your hands in mock surrender. “I’ll drop it. But if she does ever ask you out, I think you should say yes.”

Heeseung forces his features into neutrality. Tries to conceal the fact that your words feel a little bit like a thousand knives stabbing him right in the heart. Ends up looking a little bit constipated. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” you admonish. “She’s really sweet.”

Heeseung’s sure she is. He just doesn’t care. Karina could be the kindest, nicest, sweetest girl on planet earth and he would still find a reason to let her down gently. But he can’t exactly tell you that, not when it would only lead to more questions that he is not ready to answer. 

Instead, he just shrugs again. A non response. A hopeful end to the conversation. 

Luckily, you take his silence as a sign to divert, even if Jake and Sunghoon are still sitting flabbergasted right next to the two of you. 

“Speaking of basketball,” you redirect the subject. “I heard that East High’s team is supposed to be really strong this year.” They’re your high school’s biggest rival and the primary reason Heeseung spends so much of his free time on the court. They’re also the reason his coach is already giving speeches about the importance of winning this year’s opening game. 

“I figured you might need a little extra luck.”

Sunghoon chokes on a laugh. “C’mon, ____. Cut him some slack. He’s not that bad at basketball.”

“What?” You frown. “No, that’s not what I meant.” Turning back to Heeseung, you clarify. “I promise it’s not. I know you’re, like, insanely good. I just…” You trail off. Heeseung is too busy trying not to explode from the compliment to notice the way your cheeks go slightly pink. “I just saw this when I was down at the water.”

Hastily, you shove your outstretched palm beneath his nose. Encased in your hand is a fully intact, unblemished, perfectly round sand dollar. “It’s supposed to be good luck to find them unbroken,” you explain. “It made me think of you. Uh, I mean, of basketball,” you’re quick to amend. 

“Right,” Heeseung can barely hear you over the thrumming of his heartbeat in his ears. “For basketball.”

“For basketball,” you nod. 

But when his fingers accidentally brush the skin of your palm as he accepts your good luck charm, basketball is the last thing on his mind. 

And when he tucks the sand dollar into the bottom drawer of his dresser for safekeeping later that night, he finally lets the giant, unrestrained smile he’s been holding in all day take over his entire face. 

…..

Heeseung’s head is spinning. 

And maybe it’s the late summer heat or dregs of the too sweet wine cooler that are getting to him. But neither of those have the ability to fuck with him as much of the sight of you in a sundress does. 

A sundress. A real, proper, flowy, honest to god sundress. 

Heeseung doesn’t think he’s ever felt more insane in his life. 

It doesn’t help that this is the first time he’s seen you in months. Going from classmates to students at different universities has been a difficult transition to say the least. But your friendship has weathered a lot, and this is no exception. 

It doesn’t matter that the thoughts Heeseung is having right now are very much not friendly. He’s been dealing with those for the better part of a decade too. 

But it feels different tonight. 

You’re older. He’s older. The two of you have grown and changed and matured and the feelings he harbors have started to feel a little less like a crush. 

And a lot more like something with far more devastating consequences. 

You’ve always been pretty. The prettiest girl in the world in his eyes. 

But tonight, in the fading glow of another late sunset, looking at you is almost painful. 

Heeseung wishes for a lot of things. He wishes it was just the two of you here. Mostly because he can see Sunghoon and Jake making vulgar gestures in the background every time his gaze lingers on you a little too long. And that happens a lot. 

He wishes that he was a better friend. That he could give you the support and undivided attention and platonic love that you deserve. That he wasn’t always keeping it guarded behind his fear of revealing too much. Of ruining the best relationship he’s even built in his nineteen years of life. 

And sometimes, in his weaker moments, he wishes that he could go back to the fourth grade. He would tell Mina to give her opinion to someone that asked for it and give you that letter. He wonders if things would be different. How they would be different. 

In his favorite dreams, you returned his feelings, even back then. The two of you grew up skirting that line the way teenagers do. And then, when you were ready, it turned into something real. Something honest. Something he doesn’t have to hide. 

But in his moments of fear, Mina was right. Your attention was somewhere else and his note becomes nothing but an embarrassing memory. Something the two of you never overcome. Something that prevents you from forming friendship at all. 

That, Heeseung decides, no matter how much he might sometimes wish thing were different, will never be worth the risk. 

So he does what he always does. He keeps his feelings close to his chest and nurses another warm beer along with a wounded heart. 

Across the yard, Heeseung watches you laugh at something Jay says. It’s real laugh, the kind that makes your eyes twinkle and makes his head spin. 

Jay. He can’t help the way his grip tightens against the bottle in his hand. Who even invited him tonight? 

It’s not like anything ever came of Mina’s prediction. As far as he knows, you’ve never so much as given Jay another Kit Kat. But the sight of the two of you together still has an ugly green monster rearing its head. 

Eventually, the evening, as all evenings do, starts to draw to its inevitable end. 

You catch Heeseung’s eye across the yard just as everyone is bidding their farewells. Silently, you jerk your chin, motioning him over. 

Putty in your grip, Heeseung complies with no trace of resistance. 

When he finally reaches you, you don’t offer much of an explanation. Instead, you just motion for him to follow you again. 

“For old time’s sake,” is all you say. 

But it’s not much of a hint. After all, the two of you have memories scattered across this entire city. Tucked in alleys and street corners and shops. Safekept in all of your favorite childhood destinations. Forged in Heeseung’s memory. 

Finally, the two of you reach the edge of a small stretch of forest. A place the two of you used to visit whenever the rest of the world just felt like a little too much to bear. A place where you discovered the small treehouse you lead him to now. 

Wordlessly, you outstretch your hand, encasing his grip in your own. Heeseung has already begun to lose remnants of his boyhood. His features are losing their youthful roundess, are sharpening into a face that unmistakably belongs to a man. 

But with his hand in yours, he feels nine again. Nursing the unsteady heartbeat and sweaty palms that come with a first crush. 

When the two of you finally reach the top of the ladder, you ease your way through the opening first. 

You’ve nearly outgrown this place. The two of you have to hunch slightly to avoid hitting the roof with your heads. 

“Remember coming here that day my cat ran away?” You’re not looking at him, gaze wandering around the space, collecting memories like souvenirs. 

“Mr. Mittens,” Heeseung nods. “How could I forget?” 

“I still think he’s out there somewhere. He couldn’t forgive my dad when he stopped giving him table scraps.” Your tone is light, teasing. 

But the space is small and it leaves no choice but for the two of you to sit close. So close. Too close. Not nearly close enough. 

Still, Heeseung does his best to maintain his composure. “Mm,” he agrees. “I’m sure he’s very happy now. Probably eating leftovers as we speak.”

The conversation drifts into silence. It’s not uncomfortable, but it is charged. Fraught with something Heeseung’s been trying to ignore for the last ten years. 

“Heeseung?” Your voice is small. He feels it as much as he hears it. 

“Yeah?” He doesn’t mean to sound so breathless, but he can’t help it. Not here. Not now.

“I missed you.” 

For a moment, it’s all he can do to stare at you. He missed you too. So much it hurt. But it feels like he’s been missing you for years now. Missing something he’s never allowed himself to ask for. 

“I mean, I knew I would.” You drop your gaze now, toying with the hem of your dress. “And I know we still texted and called a lot, but there were so many times when I just wished you were there with me, you know?”

He does. He does. 

“Yeah,” Heeseung nods, jaw working. He swallows hard. His voice sounds scraped raw. “I felt the exact same.”

You meet his gaze again. Hold it for a moment. And then another. Heeseung watches as your lips part, chest rising and falling with shallow breaths. 

For a second, he thinks you’re about to say something else. But then you shake your head. It’s a tiny movement, barely perceptible. But he sees it. He always does. 

Diverting the subject, you ease some of the tension. “Do you have anything sharp?”

“Sharp?” he echoes. “I don’t think so. Why?”

Instead of explaining, you reach for a rock next to your knee. Holding it up, you grin at him. “This should work.”

Scooting closer to the interior wall of the treehouse, you begin your handiwork. After a couple of minutes, you sit back on your heels, satisfied. 

“What do you think?” You turn over your shoulder to glance at him. 

Heeseung thinks a lot of things. He thinks you’ve never looked more beautiful than you do in this very moment, this exact second. He thinks his heart might actually be beating loud enough for it to be audible. He thinks he’s not going to survive another semester away from you. 

He thinks he might be in love. 

And when his eyes settle on the wall over your shoulder, he knows he is. 

Because there, in the respite of your childhood treehouse, you’ve carved both of your initials into the wood and framed them with a slightly lopsided heart. 

It’s messy. It’s imperfect. It’s his favorite thing he’s ever seen. Well, he amends as his gaze slides back to you, it’s his second favorite, maybe. 

“It’s perfect,” he tells you. 

A handful of minutes later, when you find yourself approaching his doorstep, Heeseung notices the way you suppress a shiver against the slight chill of the gentle night time breeze. For him, it’s the most natural thing in the world to offer you a sweatshirt. Something to keep you warm while he walks you home. 

You’re no stranger to the inside of his bedroom, but Heeseung’s heart still jumps regardless. It’s so intimate, the way you navigate his space like it’s your own. The way you sit down on the edge of his bed without thinking anything of it. 

“Bottom drawer,” Heeseung nods towards his dresser. He rearranged while packing for his dorm. “I have a few sweatshirts in there. You can take any of them.”

Nodding, you stand from his bed, quiet footsteps tracing a path over to the dresser. But when you open the bottom drawer a moment later, it’s not a sweatshirt you hold in your hands. 

“You still have this?” There’s a bit of wonder in your voice. A soft edge that Heeseung would read more into if he wasn’t suddenly panicking. 

It’s the sand dollar, he realizes. The one you gave him all those years ago. A good luck charm. Stupid, how could he be so stupid to forget that he left it in that drawer too? 

It’s not damning evidence of anything, not really. But it’s late and he’s tired and you’re still in that fucking dress. Logic was never going to be anything but a losing game. 

“Of course,” Heeseung admits. “We won every game that season.” 

You know. You were there to watch all of them. 

“Heeseung?” Something in your tone has all of his attention zeroing in on you. Maybe it’s the strange stroke of timidness. Maybe it’s the fact that you’ve always commanded his focus, even when you’re not trying. 

“Yeah?” That breathlessness is back. Heeseung can’t find it in himself to curse it. 

You’re still standing across the room from him. The sand dollar enclosed in your gentle grip. When you finally tear your gaze away from it, it’s to look Heeseung in the eye. 

“Can I…?” You’re unsure. Shy. Heeseung has seen a whole lot of you, but he has no idea what to do with this. 

“Can I try something?” Your teeth are worrying at your bottom lip like the words taste bitter. Like you can’t decide whether you regret them or not. 

Heeseung would give you the world if you asked for it, but he knows better. 

He’ll play his cards the same way he always has. 

“Try what?”

You don’t answer him. Not with words, at least. 

Instead, you begin to trace a steady path towards him. The sand dollar is still in your hand. Heeseung’s heart is still in his throat. The hem of your dress brushes gently against the bare expanse of your thigh, just about your knee. 

You’re standing right in front of him now. There’s less than a foot of emptiness between you. Heeseung has no idea what to do with that liminal space. He can’t decide whether he should close it or widen it until his brain starts to function again. 

“Is this weird?” you whisper. 

It is. It is. 

“No.”

“Okay,” you nod. You avert your gaze, buying time. “Good.”

He watches your chest rise with an unsteady inhale. Fall with a shaky exhale. 

You bend to set the sand dollar down on the floor to the left of you. 

And then your hand is on his shoulder. Gripping lightly, like you need the support. 

Close. You’re so fucking close. 

And with every passing heartbeat, you’re only getting closer. 

Without meaning to, Heeseung is screwing his eyes shut. 

Later, he’ll regret it. Not committing every possible detail to memory. 

But right now, any semblance of logic is lost with the shreds of sanity he’s been dropping at your feet for the past ten years. 

With the sureness of a steady thing, you ruin them all in one fell swoop.

And then your lips are on his. 

It’s a gentle pressure. Light. No expectations, no demands. No promises or secrets or vows. But the hand on his shoulder is gripping harder now. 

And the second Heeseung regains control of his limbs, he mirrors your action. One hand finds the notch at the bottom of your spine and the other pushes hair away from your temple. 

You’re gentle, unsure. You’re afraid you’re crossing a foolish boundary, ruining a friendship you cherish. 

But Heeseung has been warring with every thought that’s crossed his mind for years, and he can’t find it in himself to be patient now. There’s no hesitation when he pulls you closer. No semblance of restraint when he presses his mouth against yours more firmly, when he swallows the shallow gasp you give him and then begs for more. 

Restraint is all he’s ever known but there’s nothing left of it now. 

When he feels your lips part against his own, he takes it as an invitation. An opening. An offering he’s only ever been afforded in his favorite dreams. 

But this is different. It’s better. You’re real. So fucking tangible and his hands can’t decide where to go next. 

They make quick work of tracing your spine, your neck, your collarbone. But he’s greedy and he’s desperate and he wants his hands as full of you as his mind is. 

It’s not long before fingers are slipping under the flimsy strap of your dress, forging a path that he follows with his lips. 

He hears you sigh, feels the whisper of breath against his hair. And then he hears you whimper. 

A long, drawn out plea that sounds all too much like “Heeseung.”

He shudders, all the way down to his toes. And then he’s pulling you backwards, flipping your positioning so that your spine is pressed against the wall of his bedroom. 

One hand rests above your shoulder, the other beside your head. He sets his forehead against your own, eyes still screwed shut. His heartbeat races in time with the shallow breath in his chest. 

“You have to tell me to stop.” His voice is raw, ragged. “You have to tell me to stop before I fucking lose it.”

“What if I want you to?”

He’s dead. He has to be. Caught in a purgatory of his own making, stuck between a heaven and hell perfectly curated for his ruination.  

“We can’t—” You could, and that’s what makes it so impossible. 

But for Heeseung, this is the culmination of a decade of repressed feelings. Of fleeting touches and lingering gazes and first crushes and the realization that he’s been carrying love with him before he knew what to call it. 

He has no idea what this is for you. 

“I have to know what you’re thinking.” It’s barely a whisper. His voice nearly cracks on the last syllable. He doesn’t think he’s ever been more scared in his life. 

Quietly, your hand finds the base of his neck. Your fingertips trace his skin, a soothing rhythm that does little to quiet the war in his mind. But it does tether him to the moment, anchors him in the present. 

You whisper, and he feels your breath against his swollen lips. “I don’t want to scare you.”

“You won’t,” he shakes his head. It’s a lie. He’s terrified. 

“But what if—”

“I’m in love with you.” It was always going to be him that confessed first. It had to be. “I’ve been in love with you since we were nine years old.” It’s like a weight has been lifted off his chest, as if the world around him is a little lighter now. “You won’t scare me.”

You break the contact of your foreheads, and Heeseung misses your touch the second it’s gone. He’s grateful for the hand that still traces gentle circles on the skin of his nape. 

You use the distance you’ve created to look him in the eye. Searching for any trace of dishonesty, you find nothing but a long held secret, a well-guarded truth. 

“You love me?” You don’t even have to ask. You can see it in his eyes. 

“More than you know.”

“Good,” you whisper, an echo from before. “Because I love you.”

When he kisses you this time, it’s softer. Gentler. The urgency in his gut is still there, but it’s been quieted a bit. Replaced with a distinct sort of fondness he does his best to communicate with touch. 

Love. He spells it with every breath that spills against your own. 

Love. He imbes it into every touch against bare skin. 

Love. He whispers it in your ear and shudders when you do the same. 

Because that sand dollar isn’t stuck in his bottom drawer anymore, hidden away from the light. It’s here, in the openness of his childhood bedroom. A truth between the two of you. 

And when he picks it up again later, he sets it on top of the dresser. Where he and you and anyone else that might pass by can see it. 

…..

Lee Heeseung has a secret. 

It’s whispered in practice runs with Jake and Sunghoon, imagined on the nights he pulls you closer to him as he drifts off to sleep, hidden away in a small, nondescript black box in the back of his closet. 

But Heeseung isn’t nine anymore. He’s not fifteen or nineteen.

He’s twenty-six, and he’s learned a thing or two about secrets. 

So this time, he only holds this one for a month, only carries it with him for a handful of weeks before he divulges. 

And when he does finally get you right where he wants you, back in that same too small treehouse, his secret spills easily. 

Even though his voice is shaky, even though his hands tremble with overflowing nerves. 

He can’t drop to one knee, not exactly. And he nearly drops the little black box when he pulls it from his coat pocket. 

But the ring slides onto your left hand without a hint of resistance. And the stone flickers in dying daylight like it was meant just for you. 

This time, he doesn’t hide behind a note or a sand dollar or even a kiss. 

Instead, he looks you in the eye when he tells you loves you. 

He smiles, a hopeful thing, when he asks you to marry him. 

All the things he never said, every word he never told you, are all here, now. 

Every second of torment, every moment of agony suddenly feel brand new. 

But when you tell him yes, your eyes shining with unshed tears that match his own, he thinks that they just might have all been worth it. 

And when you tell him, for the thousandth time, that you love him, he knows that they were. 

⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed! I am still working on sacred monsters, but I wanted to put out something cute for Heeseung's birthday and I had a big chunk of this already sitting in my drafts. I mentioned at the beginning, but this is unedited, so please forgive any little mistakes you saw.

all the love ♡