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cinnikiroll · 3 months ago

Text

being alive isn't a sin / there's no need to apologize

Summary: When Tammy comes out to her mom and it doesn't go well, Hannah is there to comfort her.

Word Count: 1,675 words

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of religious guilt, 'praying for forgiveness' for being lesbian, mentions of being a "sinner" for being lesbian, along with other content of that nature. Read with caution, or don't read at all, if that type of content upsets you.

If you like this fic, please do check out my other fanfics on AO3 under the username cinnikiroll. Here is a link to my profile, where I have fics from other shows for your viewing pleasure!

https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnikiroll

Tammy's hands shook as she picked up her phone.

She had been dreading this call for days, ever since she'd told her mother she needed to talk about something serious. As she opened her contacts, her thumb hovering over the call button, she could already feel the heat of judging eyes on the nape of her neck.

The saying, 'there is no hate like Christian love' remained in the forefront of Tammy's mind as she finally gained enough confidence to hit the call button. Her body was trembling, and she could feel tightness building in her chest.

"Ma? I have something to tell you."

Her voice was small, meek, a far cry from her typical confident tone. She could hear the concern in her mother's voice when she responded.

"I... I'm lesbian, Ma."

The silence on the other end of the call said more than any words could. It seemed to extend into eternity, permeating every corner of Tammy's terrified heart.

She had already considered what to do if her mother judged her for her sexuality, but she had been holding on to a loose sense of hope that maybe, just maybe, the legendarily pious Mrs. Gregorio could be accepting of her daughter's identity and love her despite it.

With every second the silence lasted, Tammy's grip on the rope of hope loosened, until she was adrift in the sea of judgement and pain.

A deep, exasperated sigh could be heard on the other end of the line, pushing Tammy further out to sea. She could no longer see the shoreline, and she felt as if she was drowning in pain. Her own mother, judging her for who she loved... it was hard to accept.

Yet, she knew she needed to. She couldn't pretend that she was something she wasn't, couldn't pretend she was straight, just to please her loved ones. She'd done that for years, but the lack of genuineness she'd felt had dragged her down.

At every admittedly infrequent family meeting or discussion, whether over the phone or in person, she'd had the urge to leap up and proudly proclaim her lesbian identity to the crowd, judgement be damned!

But now that Tammy had actually opened up, revealed that part of herself... it felt as if she had lost more than she had gained.

Had it been a mistake to be honest?

Should she have lived a lie, just for the sake of being close to her family, to those who loved her?

No. She shouldn't have. No matter how painful her mother's judgement was, she had to open up about her identity, had to be genuine.

"You can't be."

Those three words, full of indignation and shock, were all Tammy's mother could utter. The sounds of shifting rosary beads and soft prayers muttered in Italian in the background informed Tammy that not only her mother had heard her confession; a great deal of her family members that were visiting had as well, and they appeared to be frantically trying to pray the gay out of her.

"I am, Ma. I have been for years. I'm sorry, I-"

"You should be ashamed! You're a disgrace to the Gregorio family name! A sinner!"

Tammy was dumbstruck by the vitriol in her mother's words. All vestiges of concern had disappeared, replaced by red hot rage. It had been so long since she'd heard her mother yelling, and memories of her childhood flowed back to her unbidden and undesired.

"Return to God! Pray to him. You're a good Catholic girl, Tamara Gregorio. There's no reason for you to live in sin like this."

With every word that left her mother's mouth, more memories began to return to Tammy, leaving her curled up on her couch crying, unable to respond to any of her mother's- and her other family members'- angrily hurled words of judgement.

"I'm sorry, Ma," she managed to gasp out once her sobs had quieted down a bit.

"But it's who I am. I can't, and I won't, change it. I already have a girlfriend-"

The agonized cry on the other end of the line cut off the rest of the sentence Tammy wanted to say.

The clicking sound that followed of the phone hanging up cut off the rest of the conversation Tammy wanted to continue.

The text that followed shortly after, just six simple words, cut off any remaining hope of connection or familial love Tammy hoped to feel.

"You are not my daughter anymore."

--------------------------------------------------------------

The darkness of the night was deep and quiet as Hannah laid down to rest. Her heart had been troubled and pained the whole day, concerned for Tammy, who she knew had chosen to call her mother and come out to her.

She knew firsthand that religious parents had the possibility to be extremely intolerant of any member of the LGBTQIA+ or any minority community. Thankfully, her Muslim parents had been remarkably kind and loving towards her when she'd come out, but she knew that was the exception to a very painful rule.

Rolling over and rustling her sheets, Hannah noticed the time- 11:30- and then heard a soft knock on her door. It was barely perceptible, but her good hearing allowed her to notice it.

Unaware of who would come to visit her on such a dark and unnaturally cold late night, she swiftly opened the drawer that held her service weapon- which she wasn't supposed to keep at home, but she took no chances as a woman living alone- and went carefully and cautiously to the door.

Making her footsteps as soft as possible, she sidled up to it and yelled in a loud voice to whoever was outside.

"Who's there? I am a trained federal agent; I have a gun and I will use it!"

A familiar voice responded, and Hannah felt her heart aching at the pained tone it held.

"It's Tammy. I... I need you."

As soon as Hannah opened the door, Tammy practically threw herself into the taller woman's arms, pushing both of them down to the hardwood floor with the force of her embrace.

"Oh, eshgham... the call went badly, didn't it? I'm so sorry."

The gentleness in Hannah's tone, the caring way she spoke her often used term of endearment-eshgham, meaning my love in Farsi- just brought more tears to Tammy's eyes. Before long, she was fully sobbing, unable to breathe well.

"I... I'm a sinner. A disappointment to my family..."

Tammy repeated her mother's words tearfully, and Hannah's eyes widened in shock upon hearing those horrible insults spoken.

"No, my dear. You aren't a sinner. Identifying as a lesbian, or as bisexual, or as any member of the LGBTQIA+ community doesn't make you a sinner. Your mother may say that, but those are just words. They aren't the truth."

She pulled her girlfriend closer, determined to comfort her. Seeing the woman she loved so confident that she'd failed her religion and family simply because she chose to love differently to their standards broke her heart. She wanted to cry herself, but she forced herself to be strong, to hold the woman she loved in her arms and say comforting words as if nothing was wrong.

Tammy silently showed Hannah the text her mother had sent her.

You're not my daughter anymore.

"She'll never be my Ma ever again..."

The childlike way she said that, the raw pain in her voice... it tore Hannah right to the core of her being.

As a mother, she could never imagine disowning her child over anything. Naomi was her world, her heart. Granted, she was also only twelve years old, not a grown woman, but a mother always viewed her daughter as their baby, no matter how old they grew.

The bond between a daughter and mother was sacred. It was unfathomable to her that Tammy's mother could forsake that bond over something that seemed so trivial.

Unwittingly, she shed tears over this parting, dampening Tammy's shirt. When Tammy noticed the pain that her girlfriend was suffering due to the agony she herself was suffering, she felt a sudden wave of love drown her heart.

Hannah loved her so much that she was willing to cry over her pain? Even though she might never understand it?

The thought of such deep love brought a smile to Tammy's face, and before soon, all of her sadness was banished.

Who cares if her family judged her under some false premise that being lesbian made her a sinner?

Who cares if her mother never spoke to her again?

She had Hannah, and the force of Hannah's love alone could sustain her.

Hungrily, like a baby seeking milk from its mother, Tammy's lips began to rove over her girlfriend's slender frame, biting gently whenever she found sensitive spots.

Hannah's tears were quickly forgotten, replaced by soft whimpers of pleasure at the touch of her lover's lips against her sensitive skin. She pulled Tammy closer to her, looking into the other woman's eyes with unbridled passion.

"I love you," she murmured, "even if your family does not. You are my guiding star, my anchor in an ocean of sorrow. Never think you are less than simply because you don't conform to typical Roman Catholic standards. Religious standards for women are usually stupid anyway."

Tammy paused in her love biting to laugh loudly at Hannah's comment about religious standards. It was true, they were quite often antiquated and conservative, especially when it came to women.

Hearing the laughter of the woman she loved brought a bright smile to Hannah's face, and before long, both of them were smiling and laughing, their sorrow forgotten, at least for the moment.

When they finally tired and went upstairs to sleep, Tammy clung tightly to the taller woman, not wanting to lose her. Despite the many assurances of endless love that she'd been given, she was still afraid given recent events.

"I'm not leaving you, ghalbam. I promise."

And Hannah kept that promise, clinging tightly to Tammy the whole night.

#ncis new orleans #ncis nola #ncis nola fanfic #reblogging is appreciated #please comment #hannah khoury #khourgorio #tammy gregorio #coming out #angst with a happy ending #hurt comfort #religious guilt #soft hannah #soft tammy #unsupportive family #tammy comes out to her mom

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