#so. your country needs you. to top a trans woman

[cruelsister-moved2]

all the trans women in my notes talking abt their experiences being expected/pressured to top it's actually so frustrating that even other lgbt ppl act this way when it comes down to it im going to scream what are we doing to our beautiful queens-_-

[penisbagelbite]

"Affirmation" & Malgendering

"Fine, I'll 'respect' your gender, but I'll make it absolutely miserable for you. What? You don't like the way I'm 'affirming' your gender? Guess you'll have to stop being a (trans) man then."

I want to put something out there about what I call "malgendering". I see trans men talk about the phenomenon and acknowledge it as a part of antitransmasculinity but not the concept of "malgendering" itself and what it's purpose is, and as trans men and transmasculine people are especially caught in the lose-lose situation between misgendering and malgendering I think it is an important concept to establish. The erasure of transmasculinity, particularly as a unique gender and gendered experience, also serves to keep the transmasculine trapped within this double-bind, positioned between the gender binary of cis patriarchal ideas of womanhood and manhood, where for us there is only misgendering (being abused with the Woman gender) or malgendering (being abused with the Man gender).

I define malgendering as the practice of "validating" someone's gender identity only when it can be used against them and to hurt them, and malgendering almost always involves the enforcement of only the most negative sexist stereotypes available onto the victim with none of the "positives". If misgendering is forcefully pushing you back into your 'proper place' such as by calling you a "girl" or a "her" and showing you that you're really a woman through sexual assault -malgendering is scaring and traumatizing you into it by using your own gender against you. Malgendering is the realization that you don't need to misgender someone to hurt them or to punish them for the way they identity and push them towards the gender they're 'supposed' to be - you can do all that through 'validation'. It's psychological warfare on the sense of self.

This violence and abuse under the guise of "respect" and "identity affirmation" creates plausible deniability of intent and places the blame on the victim for "identifying that way", so much so that even other trans people will defend it and believe it's not maligned (especially because "but being seen as and treated as your gender is what trans rights is all about!" and "errm but its transphobic to not treat u this way?/ur misgendering urself by wanting to not be treated this way :/" with the hidden message being "don't like it? stop being trans"), even when faced with evidence of the (very much intended) effects it has on stalling and outright eliminating transmasculinity (ie. repression, detransition, suicide).

Some examples I can pull off the top of my head:

A transphobe is talking about a pregnant trans man. The whole energy of the Facebook video is 'comedic', and while calling birth the most “feminine” thing someone can do and alluding to how the trans man is really a woman, they still use he/him and call him a “guy” (in air-quotes). Not out of any respect but because the idea of a man being pregnant, calling a pregnant person a "he", and the very existence of the trans man in question, is the whole joke. In doing so, the transphobe has turned the act of using the proper pronouns and gendering him into a source of humiliation and made the experience of being properly gendered a demeaning one. -

The Ukraine military situation where all males aged between 18 and 60 were banned from leaving the country and obliged to serve in the military. Trans women were denied passage out of the country "because they were men", and trans men were similarly denied passage out of the country "because they were men". With the discrepancy between invalidating the gender of trans women and "validating" the gender of trans men, you'd think the motivation behind this would be obvious - that trans people are expendable meat and it's better they die than cis people. It shouldn't of needed to be said that "I'm only affirming your gender because it allows me to put you in a position where you will likely suffer and die and put the blame for it on you" is not 'respect' or 'affirming' at all but somehow this was taken as evidence for the idea of that trans men are more 'respected' and seen as their genders than others (and are thus 'privileged'). -

A common one almost every trans guy deals with at some point is cis people threatening to beat trans men up (and often following through), because "If you're a man and not a woman (anymore) that means I can punch you," using the proximity to masculinity that transmasculine people claim as a justification for violence. Every other week there's a new story in online transmasculine spaces about someone having their ribs broken with "Since/if you want to be a man so bad-" preceding the attack. -

The above is in a similar vein to when accounts of violence done to transmasculine people by cisgender men are brushed off and they're told something along the lines of "welcome to being a man", "that's just what men do to each other", "that's just the way things are with men", etc. along with the insistence that their attack had nothing to do with antitransmasculinity, making it an immutable problem with (cis)men as a whole - creating a sense hopelessness and that this is all they have to look forward to. -

Transmasculine individuals being refused treatment, tests, or insurance for gynecological issues, especially cancer, despite the knowledge that they are transmasculine, because "men don't deal with these problems" and they don't want "men in women's spaces", and if you don't want to be 'treated like a man' and get the care you need (and not die), you're going to have to go ahead and detransition, change that M marker back to an F.

All of this functions to create contention, and eventually a rift, between the individual and their sense of gender identity. Creating an association between being gendered 'correctly' and 'respected' as your gender (and ultimately existing as a transmasculine person) with abuse, violence, helplessness, trauma, fear, isolation... and by making transmasculinity and transmanhood uninhabitable and driving a wedge between the individual and their sense of gender identity you can more easily drag them back to their 'proper' place. Plant seeds of doubt by making being transmasculine an exceedingly unhappy experience. Make them think that everything that's happened is their own fault for choosing to be transmasculine or trying to be a man. That maybe since they're so unhappy this isn't for them. That living as a transmasculine person is just too difficult and they're not cut out for it, that if they "gave up" and were to be women again things would be easier and they would be safer and happier.

This also all serves to maintain cis patriarchal ideas of gender and the gender binary and police the boundaries of manhood, in a way I can't articulate right now.

Through all this, despite being called "men" during malgendering, we are not actually perceived as such. We are always an "other". Acknowledging us as "men" is just another weapon, and why some transmascs flinch at the phrase "trans men are men". Our own genders are used to beat us.

Using a scrap from my .txt journals:

"[...] on the subject of having a core aspect of yourself taken from you and turned into a weapon to beat you with, with the result being that aspect of yourself now becoming a source of trauma and pain so you abandon it and lock it away like an awful secret, that’s exactly what happened with my gender. Being genderless and a(nti)binary is what I’m most comfortable as, a(nti)gender is my ~real gender~, but I have to admit a lot of this is because I have been traumatized out of any gender with binary associations and have consequently come to know gender itself, and the act of gendering, as violence. Gender is but a designation for what exploitation, abuse, and violence can be enacted upon you and the justification there of. When someone asks whether you are "masc" or "femme", behind their back as they face you is a hammer in one hand, and a knife in the other, and what they are actually asking is if they can pummel you or lacerate you. When it comes to the “direction” I’m transitioning in though, it is obviously “masculine” (as much as a negation of "femininity" is always taken as stepping towards "masculinity") and you wouldn’t be entirely wrong to call me “transmasculine”, though I have been scared to death of being acknowledged as such."

My first encounter with malgendering was when I was 13 and had just started to realize I was "ftm" and looking for community online. My first exposure to any affirmation of transmasculinity was someone I came to respect reblogging a post about how Kill All Men includes trans men. This would set the precedent of the next decade of my life of existing while transmasculine. A decade of only hearing the words "trans men" and "transmasc" used negatively and as the butt of jokes that served to reinforce patriarchal ideas of gender. The consistent and relentless denial of transmasculinity as a unique gender and gendered experience, the denial of transmasculine reality especially in regards to misogyny, and continuous abuse and threats of violence, all under the guise of affirming trans men's genders as men (and affirming the gender binary in the process). A decade of having antitransmasculine sentiment fed to me in every way possible.

For me, the experiences of antitransmasculinity and malgendering from non-transmascs has effectively "chased" me out of my transmasculinity and any acknowledgement of it. For years I have hidden my transmasculinity and presumed "AGAB" out of fear, even in queer and supposedly trans-friendly spaces. I have not been able to associate with any “masculine” language in reference to myself without feeling that I am in imminent danger, have made a grave mistake, and suffocating in anticipation of punishment. I have always been scared of posting any of my art that eludes to my transmasculinity. I have always been terrified of being referred to or perceived as “transmasc”, a “trans man”, of being called a "guy" or “dude” or “bro”, of using "he/him" anywhere. All of it. Deep down on some level I do desire it, but it’s been forbidden and only aggravates existing wounds.

And this, in turn, pushed me out of associating with other transmasculine folks out of fear and internalized antitransmasculinity towards other transmasculine people, isolating me from any community or connection with anyone similar to me, exacerbating my loneliness and alienation as a youth to the point where now as an adult my ‘normal’ human social needs – connection, community, relationships, empathy – are completely broken. I don’t feel loneliness anymore, or the desire to connect to anyone, despite in ways being even more alone now than I was then. In a way I believe antitransmasculinity shaped the path of my schizoidism. Isolating and divorcing me from my transmasculinity and the world at large is what I understand to be yet another point of this type of antitransmasculine rhetoric - because when you've destabilized and isolated someone from their whole sense of self and community, they are much easier to control.

[imoanurparentsnames]

"Affirmation" & Malgendering

"Fine, I'll 'respect' your gender, but I'll make it absolutely miserable for you. What? You don't like the way I'm 'affirming' your gender? Guess you'll have to stop being a (trans) man then."

I want to put something out there about what I call "malgendering". I see trans men talk about the phenomenon and acknowledge it as a part of antitransmasculinity but not the concept of "malgendering" itself and what it's purpose is, and as trans men and transmasculine people are especially caught in the lose-lose situation between misgendering and malgendering I think it is an important concept to establish. The erasure of transmasculinity, particularly as a unique gender and gendered experience, also serves to keep the transmasculine trapped within this double-bind, positioned between the gender binary of cis patriarchal ideas of womanhood and manhood, where for us there is only misgendering (being abused with the Woman gender) or malgendering (being abused with the Man gender).

I define malgendering as the practice of "validating" someone's gender identity only when it can be used against them and to hurt them, and malgendering almost always involves the enforcement of only the most negative sexist stereotypes available onto the victim with none of the "positives". If misgendering is forcefully pushing you back into your 'proper place' such as by calling you a "girl" or a "her" and showing you that you're really a woman through sexual assault -malgendering is scaring and traumatizing you into it by using your own gender against you. Malgendering is the realization that you don't need to misgender someone to hurt them or to punish them for the way they identity and push them towards the gender they're 'supposed' to be - you can do all that through 'validation'. It's psychological warfare on the sense of self.

This violence and abuse under the guise of "respect" and "identity affirmation" creates plausible deniability of intent and places the blame on the victim for "identifying that way", so much so that even other trans people will defend it and believe it's not maligned (especially because "but being seen as and treated as your gender is what trans rights is all about!" and "errm but its transphobic to not treat u this way?/ur misgendering urself by wanting to not be treated this way :/" with the hidden message being "don't like it? stop being trans"), even when faced with evidence of the (very much intended) effects it has on stalling and outright eliminating transmasculinity (ie. repression, detransition, suicide).

Some examples I can pull off the top of my head:

A transphobe is talking about a pregnant trans man. The whole energy of the Facebook video is 'comedic', and while calling birth the most “feminine” thing someone can do and alluding to how the trans man is really a woman, they still use he/him and call him a “guy” (in air-quotes). Not out of any respect but because the idea of a man being pregnant, calling a pregnant person a "he", and the very existence of the trans man in question, is the whole joke. In doing so, the transphobe has turned the act of using the proper pronouns and gendering him into a source of humiliation and made the experience of being properly gendered a demeaning one.

The Ukraine military situation where all males aged between 18 and 60 were banned from leaving the country and obliged to serve in the military. Trans women were denied passage out of the country "because they were men", and trans men were similarly denied passage out of the country "because they were men". With the discrepancy between invalidating the gender of trans women and "validating" the gender of trans men, you'd think the motivation behind this would be obvious - that trans people are expendable meat and it's better they die than cis people. It shouldn't of needed to be said that "I'm only affirming your gender because it allows me to put you in a position where you will likely suffer and die and put the blame for it on you" is not 'respect' or 'affirming' at all but somehow this was taken as evidence for the idea of that trans men are more 'respected' and seen as their genders than others (and are thus 'privileged').

A common one almost every trans guy deals with at some point is cis people threatening to beat trans men up (and often following through), because "If you're a man and not a woman (anymore) that means I can punch you," using the proximity to masculinity that transmasculine people claim as a justification for violence. Every other week there's a new story in online transmasculine spaces about someone having their ribs broken with "Since/if you want to be a man so bad-" preceding the attack.

The above is in a similar vein to when accounts of violence done to transmasculine people by cisgender men are brushed off and they're told something along the lines of "welcome to being a man", "that's just what men do to each other", "that's just the way things are with men", etc. along with the insistence that their attack had nothing to do with antitransmasculinity, making it an immutable problem with (cis)men as a whole - creating a sense hopelessness and that this is all they have to look forward to.

Transmasculine individuals being refused treatment, tests, or insurance for gynecological issues, especially cancer, despite the knowledge that they are transmasculine, because "men don't deal with these problems" and they don't want "men in women's spaces", and if you don't want to be 'treated like a man' and get the care you need (and not die), you're going to have to go ahead and detransition, change that M marker back to an F.

All of this functions to create contention, and eventually a rift, between the individual and their sense of gender identity. Creating an association between being gendered 'correctly' and 'respected' as your gender (and ultimately existing as a transmasculine person) with abuse, violence, helplessness, trauma, fear, isolation... and by making transmasculinity and transmanhood uninhabitable and driving a wedge between the individual and their sense of gender identity you can more easily drag them back to their 'proper' place. Plant seeds of doubt by making being transmasculine an exceedingly unhappy experience. Make them think that everything that's happened is their own fault for choosing to be transmasculine or trying to be a man. That maybe since they're so unhappy this isn't for them. That living as a transmasculine person is just too difficult and they're not cut out for it, that if they "gave up" and were to be women again things would be easier and they would be safer and happier.

This also all serves to maintain cis patriarchal ideas of gender and the gender binary and police the boundaries of manhood, in a way I can't articulate right now.

Through all this, despite being called "men" during malgendering, we are not actually perceived as such. We are always an "other". Acknowledging us as "men" is just another weapon, and why some transmascs flinch at the phrase "trans men are men". Our own genders are used to beat us.

Using a scrap from my .txt journals:

"[...] on the subject of having a core aspect of yourself taken from you and turned into a weapon to beat you with, with the result being that aspect of yourself now becoming a source of trauma and pain so you abandon it and lock it away like an awful secret, that’s exactly what happened with my gender.

Being genderless and a(nti)binary is what I’m most comfortable as, a(nti)gender is my ~real gender~, but I have to admit a lot of this is because I have been traumatized out of any gender with binary associations and have consequently come to know gender itself, and the act of gendering, as violence. Gender is but a designation for what exploitation, abuse, and violence can be enacted upon you and the justification there of. When someone asks whether you are "masc" or "femme", behind their back as they face you is a hammer in one hand, and a knife in the other, and what they are actually asking is if they can pummel you or lacerate you. When it comes to the “direction” I’m transitioning in though, it is obviously “masculine” (as much as a negation of "femininity" is always taken as stepping towards "masculinity") and you wouldn’t be entirely wrong to call me “transmasculine”, though I have been scared to death of being acknowledged as such."

My first encounter with malgendering was when I was 13 and had just started to realize I was "ftm" and looking for community online. My first exposure to any affirmation of transmasculinity was someone I came to respect reblogging a post about how Kill All Men includes trans men. This would set the precedent of the next decade of my life of existing while transmasculine. A decade of only hearing the words "trans men" and "transmasc" used negatively and as the butt of jokes that served to reinforce patriarchal ideas of gender. The consistent and relentless denial of transmasculinity as a unique gender and gendered experience, the denial of transmasculine reality especially in regards to misogyny, and continuous abuse and threats of violence, all under the guise of affirming trans men's genders as men (and affirming the gender binary in the process). A decade of having antitransmasculine sentiment fed to me in every way possible.

For me, the experiences of antitransmasculinity and malgendering from non-transmascs has effectively "chased" me out of my transmasculinity and any acknowledgement of it. For years I have hidden my transmasculinity and presumed "AGAB" out of fear, even in queer and supposedly trans-friendly spaces. I have not been able to associate with any “masculine” language in reference to myself without feeling that I am in imminent danger, have made a grave mistake, and suffocating in anticipation of punishment. I have always been scared of posting any of my art that eludes to my transmasculinity. I have always been terrified of being referred to or perceived as “transmasc”, a “trans man”, of being called a "guy" or “dude” or “bro”, of using "he/him" anywhere. All of it. Deep down on some level I do desire it, but it’s been forbidden and only aggravates existing wounds.

And this, in turn, pushed me out of associating with other transmasculine folks out of fear and internalized antitransmasculinity towards other transmasculine people, isolating me from any community or connection with anyone similar to me, exacerbating my loneliness and alienation as a youth to the point where now as an adult my ‘normal’ human social needs – connection, community, relationships, empathy – are completely broken. I don’t feel loneliness anymore, or the desire to connect to anyone, despite in ways being even more alone now than I was then. In a way I believe antitransmasculinity shaped the path of my schizoidism. Isolating and divorcing me from my transmasculinity and the world at large is what I understand to be yet another point of this type of antitransmasculine rhetoric - because when you've destabilized and isolated someone from their whole sense of self and community, they are much easier to control.

[tpquill]

America, what have you done!

I am tonight sitting here (Australia) speechless from what has transpired these last 12 hours or so, what the hell happened?

Why on earth did he get voted back in?

What in the world went wrong?

8 years ago he was elected whether you choose to believe it or not, through nefarious means (Russia influence) at the time people fell for his charisma & charm, but soon realised just like women realise when they fall for the charm and the boyish behaviour, there’s a darker side they don’t reveal until it’s too late. Congratulations America, he revealed it pretty early on once he got his claws into the Resolution Table in the Oval Office.

We (the world) watched in horror as he separated families and deported illegals. He overspent on his billionaire friends and made middle and working class suffer. Had no health care plan, no infrastructure or employment plan. No commerce or education - nothing, zilch. He employed sycophants who bowed and grovelled to do his biding (half of them his own family - nepotism much?) he ran America like one of his bankrupt businesses and almost brought America to the ground. He was responsible for not taking responsibility when a pandemic hit the world and over 1 million died under his watch.

America impeached him twice, investigated him multiple times. Decided then they’d had enough and voted him out. You had four years of peace, of prosperity, of employment health care, higher wages and lowering costs. Your country opened up again and healthcare was restored, you started bouncing back, you’re coming has never been better. Meanwhile he ranted and raged the election was stolen, even though every court hearing and document was thrown out. America had turned a page in history for four years.

What the hell happened?

Joe Biden stood for another term but that wasn’t good enough, the America media had an axe to grind and so did it seemed those who were influential in the media circus and he stood aside for a women he picked as his vice. A woman with an incredible record in prosecution and protection of law. A woman who had fought against cartels and won. A woman of scruples and integrity. Who was willing to stand up to him and hold him accountable. A man who has current,y 34 felony convictions including falsifying business records and inflating assets to hide tax fraud. A man with 6 bankruptcies and multiple accusations of predator and rapist behaviour AND YOU HAVE VOTED HIM BACK IN?

Why?

Was it because you like someone with a need for vengeance? Someone who had made it very clear he intends to run America like Russia? A man who stole your nations top secrets and in some cases sold them off? A man for whatever bizzare reason is allowed to do whatever the hell he likes with no repercussions, because he’s Donald Trump?

This is not the America I remember as a child. This is not the president I saw growing up, who took care of his people, who cared for his country, supported their military and stood up to foreign enemies.

I sit here tonight devastated for all the brave and wonderful women and men, who voted to protect theirs and their daughters basic human, reproductive and civil rights. To the persons of all colours and religions, to the victims of domestic and sexual violence. To the wonderful trans community, to the gay marriages built on love. To all those who have fought both home and abroad in service. To the dreamers who see America as a shiny beacon of light & hope. To those who have crossed many roads in search of protection, in a country who had always welcomed you. I feel all of your sadness and anger at what has transpired.

None of this makes sense, none of this adds up.

Kamala Harris was a future light of hope and peace, of working with both sides for democracy to move America forward - now it seems she will be pulled back into the darkest part of her history. Back to when women had no right to vote, no opinion that was listened to, no voice protecting her own body.

She will be silenced once again.

Immigrants will no longer be welcome.

The church will control what happens in marriages and government decisions.

You will no longer be accepted as a trans or LGBTQ+

If you suffer a medical emergency during pregnancy, you will be forced to endure the consequences of either the child dying inside you, or be forced to give birth at “God’s will” Rape is just a word - a pregnancy from it will be unfortunate but a necessary as your right to choose will not matter anymore.

None of this adds up.

I will not accept that a man who got almost the exact same amount of votes as he did in 2020 can be declared the winner and Kamala only got 60 million, where did the other 20 million go? The votes came in too quickly the declaration called too soon. I’m by no means a conspiracy theorist but the math doesn’t add up?

Bomb threats - is America the Middle East? Interference through social media via Elon Musk and China. Giving away money to people who would vote for Trump. It stinks like rotten fish on a warm summers day here in Oz.

My final take.

If I devoted my entire like in government, in prosecution, in upholding the constitution - I would have questions, I would want answers as to how this happened with no increase in Trumps collective votes from 2020, he didn’t increase, he stayed the same.

President Joe Biden in his last few months of power, should launch an investigation because it’s not a case of well America decided to perform a lobotomy on itself and completely wiped the years between 2016-2020 from her memory and only remember the last 102 days, or something or someone played a hand in some very nefarious and illegal vote tampering.

Madam Vice President - do not concede.

[soulaans]

HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!!

help your black peers and mutuals this month by sparing a lil coin their way!! here's a few organizations, mutual aid and gfms from black people in need. sharing and even donating if you have the means is so heavily appreciated!

if you're black, you are more than welcome to add ur c*shapps, p*ypals, or v*nmos in a reblog! <3

MUTUAL AID.

help Devyn fund for his top surgery

support Sunny's top surgery

aid Matthew in relocating to Minneapolis

support Nama in paying their bills

help Myla pay her rent

help a black disabled woman pay her bills

help brian with rent, groceries and cleaning for his apartment.

aid Alice in fleeing a toxic ans homophobic household

support a black artist

support a black lesbian in paying for appointments

aid quinn with paying for much needed necessities

ORGANIZATIONS.

the okra project brings warm, homecooked meals to black trans people all over the country. they are a donation based group. every donation helps pay black trans chefs to cook a meal for other black transgender people free of charge!!

the black trans travel fund is a mutual aid fund that helps black trans women in NYC and NJ with the financial resources to pay for travel services.

for the gworls raises money to help aid with black trans people's rent and gender affirming surgeries. originally, they could only help those in NYC but impressively are now able to help black trans people nationwide.

this is much shorter than intended but please take time to read and share. again, if you're black, feel free to drop your own dono posts, mobile banking and whatever else. 🤎

[first-witch]

Intro post! (Sorry it's a mess)

DON'T LIKE THIS UNLESS YOU'RE A BOT

Name: Sylvia, or Syl for short.

Pronouns: she/her/hers it/its/it's

Trans woman, lesbian

Kibty (kitty)

Age:17

Country: USA

Horny sideblog @flirt-witch

Things I do on this blog: post art, make original posts, and lots and lots of reblogs.

Things I'm interested in: Japanese, music, video games, trigonometry, making things, horror, sleep, reading.

(こんにちは！日本語を話す人、私の日本語を訂正してください！)

Games I like: elden ring, mirror's edge catalyst, minecraft, ghostrunner 1, mortal shell, and dnd.

Books I like: children of time by Adrian Trechlavoski, uzumaki by Junji Ito, and any book by Brandon Sanderson, but my top choice would be the mistborn trilogy.

Music/artists I like: Porter Robinson, yuyoyuppe, goreshit, utsu-p, and generally most edm, metal, or similar.

I don't do commissions or suggestions.

I make: blender renders, pixel art, digital art, ceramic art, low quality minecraft mods (I have no knowledge of actual code, so I use a block coding interface), and sometimes odd art forms.

I am perpetually tired, but if I start waxing poetic about something existential, that's when you know I'm REALLY tired.

If you follow me, I WILL mass like and reblog your blog for an hour, this is not a threat, it's a promise.

(unless you don't have enough things for me to reblog)

LGBTQIA+, systems, including endos, furries, therians, those with disabilities, neurodivergent people, and any/all groups who might be marginalized or under represented are all welcome here, please teach me more about your community! (assuming you cause no harm to people, otherwise, get out).

DNI list: transphobes/terfs, homophobes, or any type of -phobe. Pedophiles. Those who support hate, discrimination, or genocide.

If you ever need to talk about something, while I'm not a therapist, I will help you through it, regardless of how well I know you.

No soliciting in DMs or asks!

[donnieisaprettyboy]

Sorry if this is an inappropriate question but I'm having some self doubts. How did you know for sure that you were trans? I think I might be but I'm very confused if I'm feeling dysmorphia or dysphoria. Feel free to ignore if this is too personal

There’s nothing wrong with asking questions like this! :) gender is super confusing and sometimes it’s nice to have insight from other people

For the longest time I connected the discomfort with my body with trauma I experienced when I was younger. However, even as I worked through therapy and grew to a point that I am not as affected by my trauma, my discomfort remained.

Everytime I thought about people looking at me and seeing a boy, or even just looking at me and having no clue what my gender is, it made me feel kind of excited? I get heart flutter moments when I think about it.

I feel like I should add that most of my dysphoria is social. There are different kinds of dysphoria, and seeing this image is what made me realize that even though I didn’t struggle with my body too much, I had a strong desire to be seen as non-woman by society (not even necessarily as a man, just as something apart from “woman” if that makes sense).

(I cannot find the original artist for this so if anybody knows who it is please lmk)

When my friends started using he/they pronouns for me it felt really good. Even if I dress more feminine, I’m not binding, or if I’m actively trying to look more feminine, my friends still use he/they pronouns and it feels good!

My university has one of the best LGBTQ+ centers in the country, so I had a really good resource to reach out to and talk to people about. Which, for anybody reading this, you don’t have to be a university student to reach out to queer centers at universities! If you need resources, email them! :)

After quite a long time of experimenting with names, pronouns, styles, lots of research, etc. I came to the conclusion of “I’m just going to do me, whatever that is.” I use any pronouns, I dress however, I present differently depending on how I feel day to day :) people may call it genderfluid (which is fine!) but I’m personally sticking to more vague labels for my own comfort :) transmasc and genderqueer are what I use because it doesn’t feel confining!

I know a lot of this is kinda anecdotal, but I think the gist is there wasn’t one thing I noticed about myself that “confirmed” I’m trans. Also, you define what that means for you! There’s people who use they/them pronouns or different pronouns from those associated with their sex and don’t consider themselves trans! And there’s people who use pronouns that are associated with their sex and consider themselves trans! Technically because I use any pronouns, people can use she/her and that’s fine, but I’m still trans. I want top surgery, and I plan on cutting my hair into a more masculine cut, but I’m unsure about HRT. And after all that, I’m still trans!

I think this got kind of ramble-y but I really hope this all makes sense and helps to some capacity. And I encourage you to explore this and experiment! And if you decide “hey I’m actually not trans” that’s okay! Don’t be afraid to experiment and try things out :)

The trans experience is beautifully unique person to person, and your transness can look very different from someone else’s! :)

[thedreadvampy]

unwarranted Cis Opinion but I'm getting really uncomfortable w people responding to bathroom bills by posting pictures of trans men like DO YOU WANT THEM IN WOMEN'S BATHROOMS

bc like. no they're men. they should be in men's bathrooms unless that feels unsafe. but. it really feels like it's not helpful to lean into the idea that seeing someone presenting masc or being read as a man in a women's bathroom means You're In Danger.

like I know several butch women and NB ppl who are really scared around being on T or getting top surgery bc they're not men and they don't want to be in the men's bathroom, and in that circumstance stuff like growing facial hair or reading more androgynously can be really fucking scary when people are being primed by propaganda to be on edge and hyperreactive to anyone who doesn't look like their idea of a Cis Woman.

and I'm not laying that at the feet of the people saying "hey uhhhh trans men are men and don't belong in women's bathrooms" bc it is not their fault. it's the fault of a concerted effort to make it difficult and dangerous to be trans or substantively gender nonconforming in public.

but at the same time idk I guess it just worries me cause sometimes it feels like "you fools! you are worried about this group of trans people bc you think they're the Lurking Danger of Men In Bathrooms? WRONG! the Men Making You Feel Afraid In Bathrooms are actually THESE trans people!" when in fact neither of those groups using the fucking bathroom is a problem. just piss and mind your business. people need to go where they need to go.

anyway this country is a hot fucking trash fire that somehow accelerates its descent into open fascism more every day so it's all super good and normal. so don't take this too seriously tbh cause it's somewhere near #2535654476457899009765 on the list of priorities for Queer Discourse right now when the fucking human rights commission is actively rescinding protections from trans people. Please ignore my gibberish.

[8fwd]

When Lewis Wins, It’s Like We All Do

I don’t like to dwell on the passage of time, like wondering if anytime I do something if it’ll be ‘The Last’ time. However, as a fatalist, and a profound worrier, it’s a natural point to dwell on, agonize over, and generally fret about nothing but the times gone by, and the times yet to come. Sport, for the most part is one of those things that always feels like it’s separate from that worry, always there to look forward too, that endless opportunity and possibility that it will be different, better, and that your hero; and by extension you will triumph again. 

A lot has happened between Sir Lewis Hamilton’s 103rd and most recent, 104th win. Two long years since the nightmarish results of the 2021 Abu Dhabi Grand Prix, two long years of floundering through the new rules, Mercedes finally falling after eight years as a juggernaut barely facing a challenge for their team’s title. It’s been an odd sight to those of us who have never known a season without at least one win from the man from Stevenage since his stunning debut in 2007, and one that lead me to wonder if I had already seen the last win in that incredible career. 

Not to say I had always been a fan of the man, hell, there were a few years there as a bruised McLaren fan that I hated that he had betrayed us for the greener pastures of the works team, abandoning the Woking team that had rescued his career as child. But, through the early hybrid years, I realized that the McLaren of my Youth, and his, was gone, and needed to be remade anew before any glory could return. And through his years of fighting his childhood friend Nico Rosberg, I felt like we saw a tense, lost Lewis, desperately trying to stake the claim on what he felt like was his. 

But, it was those years post the turmoil of Rosberg that I feel like we got to know the real Lewis, and through his friendship with Sebastian Vettel, I truly felt like the grid had the first real role-models we’ve ever had. And, after their battles faded, and Lewis was left unopposed, he started winning not just for himself, and individual glory, but he started winning for causes, people, and for Us. 

It was that record breaking 2020 season that I will always think about when the day does finally come that Hamilton hangs up the helmet for good. A year of turmoil, uncertainty, and a lot of pain, from a lot of places. 

But, throughout all of it, the bright star of F1 decided to rise above, and use his place as the greatest of our time to demand space in the sport for those that it had been so hostile to for decades. Getting Project 44 off the ground through sheer force of will and star power, and speaking honestly about the racism he faced, all in the midst of the George Floyd uprisings of the summer of 2020 is still awe inspiring. 

And personally, as a trans woman who was living in deep red Texas, seeing Lewis take the progress pride flag to the top step of the podium in almost every country that F1 raced in that would criminalize my existence was important. He didn’t have to do that, and the fact that he did it over and over again, and still continues to wear a rainbow lid just means the world. 

This is a lot of words to say that it just felt natural, correct, good! watching him extend his records even further, and while I have my own deeply held problems with the United Kingdom, seeing him get that record 9th win at his home race, in front of his crowd, his adoring audience, it felt like we were home, it felt like we were back, and F1 will never forget what He Did. Still We Rise. 

[saintjosie]

I'm gonna jump in the discourse lol, I don't pass as a trans woman and I don't think I'll care to. But demilypyro was advocating for living as your best self, she happens to be in a country that funded her transition? But other than that she's like poor too. Idk it feels like everyone's just looking for trouble because she was responding to hate with snark

okay people really don’t get this so i’m gonna tell y’all a story. my story.

i’m a trans woman with a fuckload of privilege. i’m pretty, i’m passing, and i have a platform, but most importantly, i had the privilege of starting my transition when i was financially stable on my own in largely supportive environments. and i recognize these things now but i didn’t always.

i started my transition in may of 2020, during the height of lockdown. and at that time, i was working a cushy corporate salaried desk job with full benefits which included both therapy and gender affirming care. i got on hrt quickly, and because of good genes, because masculine asian features are regarded as feminine in western beauty standards, because i’m really fucking good at makeup, and because i was working from home and there was no where to go, i was able to stop boymoding by october of 2020, about 6 months after i started hrt.

and then around that same time, i had another stroke of luck. i made a tiktok about coming out at work, which i did in the most extra way imaginable, and that tiktok went viral. it got 300k views and overnight i went from having 150 followers on tiktok to several thousand. and a less than a year later, that grew to 100k.

that year was rough as hell. i transitioned during a time where going out into the world to find community was impossible. and i lost my job. and i got divorced. and i cut out my family. and because of all of that, i felt like i was doing better than a lot of other trans people. cause i was facing hardships and still doing incredible.

but even so, i was longing for community that would validate and accept me the way that i was validated and accepted online. and so over the next year, i moved across the country three times, something i was able to do only because i was able to afford it

during that year i finally started to get out and meet queer people as the pandemic slowed down. and as i connected with queer and trans people in varying stages on their own journey, i realized the enormous privilege of being able to transition, afford therapy, afford my meds, afford moving to a place where i could find community. i wasn’t just “better at being trans”, i was just luckier than most.

being able to accept being trans is so dependent on having the support structure around you to process what you are feeling. being able to socially transition is dependent on having the people around you who will accept your identity and being in a place where you are able to do so safely. being able to medically transition is dependent on having the physical health and financial stability to do so.

privilege is something that needs to be constantly dismantled within our community because privilege is the main weapon that is used to oppress us.

the fact that this demily person made a snide sarcastic comment doesn’t change the fact that she sought out a person without a following to shit on someone without a following. the inherent privilege of saying something like, “i’m better at being trans” even if she didn’t mean it seriously, shows that she doesn’t recognize the privilege of being in a place where you can learn to accept yourself.

and on top of all that because she’s a person with a following and a platform, the danger of that kind of thinking compounds and is worth calling out.

i’m not misunderstanding her intentions or the context.

you are misunderstanding privilege.

[ceasarslegion]

Uncle story?

Oh boy!

So the first thing i need to say about my uncle is that he is an idiot. Terminally stupid and also the most self-righteous bastard I've ever met. Truly deadly combo.

I must also start by clarifying that this is not the same openly gay uncle who is a Scottish lord and ran for mayor of a small Saskatchewan town because he was bored and won and then showed up to all the official things in a top hat. That is technically my great uncle and on my dad's side. We must not smear that uncle's name due to confusing him with my mom's brother who is too stupid to realize how stupid he is and thinks the fact that no one can understand what the fuck he's ever talking about is a sign of intelligence.

So my uncle is openly gay. And he lives in the UK as a dual dutch-canadian citizen. He is engaged to an Israeli man (do not discourse on this post. I mention his nationality to highlight something else I will mention. Just some guy who doesn't even live there is not responsible for a certain conflict going on). He also grew up in Dubai but family went back to Canada for a spell around when he entered high school. He works as a travel agent last time I checked, but he can never hold down a job for more than a few months without getting fired so who knows at this point.

You're with me, yes? Gay, immigrant, fiance from another country, grew up in the gulf?

This motherfucker. Said he would vote for Trump if he were american and that brexit was a good idea. And is anti-immigration. And thinks feminism is cancer. And once tried to convince my mom that men across the UK were being arrested for "stare-rape" which is apparently when you just look at a woman in public and she can then claim you raped her with your eyes. And thinks pride is pedophilic. And thinks bisexuality is just people who want to be special and can't pick a side. And the only person he's still on speaking terms with in my immediate family is my grandma who is just as toxic as he is stupid.

My dad once said, word for word, while a few drags into a blunt: "if I ever see [uncle] again, I'm going to beat the shit out of him for what he said about my son." I don't know what exactly happened to get him kicked out of my parents apartment when they cut ties with him during a visit, but I know it was a screaming match over something to do with me. I had long moved out at that point so I wasn't there to see it. And this is coming from the mouth of the same guy from my red bull and snickers post, my dad is not a violent or scary guy and I've never seen him lay a hand on anybody.

My uncle and I used to be really close when I was a kid because he's a very artistic person, and I was too. We were the two creatives in the family. Also as a queer kid who didn't know he was trans yet I was naturally drawn to queer masculine influences. This fell apart pretty quickly when I started like, growing into my own person instead of a carbon copy of the people around me. He was steadily becoming dumber and dumber to me but it really came to a head in 2016

So trump wins the US election. I am still living in Abu Dhabi at this point and I had just graduated high school in June of that year. My boss is American. She is devastated and says she's going home early that day because she needs a few hours to process what's gonna happen now. At my desk I make a Facebook post saying that if any of the americans I knew refused to vote over your own self-righteous bs that I don't want to talk to you again because you clearly cared more about having the moral high ground than sucking it up for the people who trump will go on to hurt. This post is a big hit among my Arab majority peers.

This goes on without incident. 3 months later my uncle comments a big essay on it sucking trumps dick and saying some pseudo-qanon shit about Hillary Clinton. I respond citing actual sources and hit him where it hurts: Mike pence's then-plan to divert AIDS research funding into conversion therapy.

I go back to work (I am at work when the response happens too). About an hour later my phone buzzes on my desk. I open it to an essay twice the size in my messenger DMs from him crytyping about how I've changed and turned into such a whiny SJW, how I'm no longer the same person i was when I was 11 (damn I hope so), how I'm such a bully now (YOU CAME ONTO *MY* POST 3 MONTHS LATER???), and uh, no word of a lie, that he can't be racist because he dated a black man in high school. I. I never mentioned race in the post or my response to him. He brought that up on his own.

I ended up calling him out on it by replying to his public comment with "hey if you're gonna cry about how you're not racist in my inbox for pages and pages on end like that because someone said you were being stupid at least do it in the same place you were flaunting your idiocy, damn."

We didn't talk for a good couple years after that. And then something came up and we talked again for a bit, I don't remember exactly what anymore but we had to interact in person for it. I was willing to be civil, he started by doing the equivalent of crossing his arms and pouting until I said sorry for how mean I was to such a sensitive little muffin on the internet. Very mature guy I'm related to here isn't he. Insane how he's the uncle and I'm the nephew huh

This lasted for a good 2 weeks. Because the pokemon sun and moon leaks happened and I showed him the character models for red and blue and joked that they looked like a newlywed couple on their honeymoon in Hawaii. Pokemon was one of the few things we could still agree on at this point, so i was trying to bridge a gap with a family member with it. Thinking that he would appreciate the joke as a gay man.

He exploded at me. Like full on screaming exploded at me over that. He yelled about how homophobic I was, that i had no right to call myself queer because I hadn't been sexually assaulted or threatened to be murdered (HE HASNT EITHER??? LIKE HE VERY MUCH HASNT 😭😭😭 also you are making a LOT of assumptions about the life of someone you made NO effort to be a part of despite him giving you every olive branch you could possibly grab), that it was insulting to every gay person in the world to say that the best representation we deserved was pokemon (THATS NOT WHAT I SAID??? Also what's wrong with a gay pokemon character 😭 how is that insulting 😭😭) and that I had no idea what it was like to suffer for my identity. He said this while I was living in a place where queer people got executed for being moral degenerates btw.

Something in me snapped that day and I responded with "oh tell me more about how hard your life was in your dubai villa with an in-ground pool and a hired nanny. I'll truly never suffer as much as you have. Tell me more about how you threw the first brick at stonewall."

My parents had to stop themselves from laughing at that response and steered me out before my uncle could explode even more, and I never talked to him again.

[piggywife]

i wanna breed you and have your belly grow soooo big with my babies that you can barely see in front of you. i want you to be so desperate to cum or rub your clitty, then not even be able to reach it. begging me to play with you to satisfy your womanly urges. i agree only if you agree to wear the breast forms and pretty maternity dress that i've already taken the liberty of buying for you❤️. you feel so ashamed and embarrassed, you got top surgery only for me to force you to put on fake tits to satisfy me?? but it feels SO much better to submit to a real man and his desires, than to be respected as a trans man. you LOVE when i grab your fake titties and slap them and suck on them and tell you you're going to be such a good mommy for me soon. what's wrong babygirl, didn't you want to be an ftm? i'm only aiding you in your dream of achieving first time motherhood after all. don't worry sweetheart, i've already scheduled your breast reconstruction surgery for after you've given birth, with the best surgeon in the country. you were just confused honey. this 'dysphoria' you're feeling is actually from not having huge fat hangers weighing you down 24/7. you're going to look so good with fat hanging udders and teats that will grow even larger when i get you pregnant the second time.

It's already so humiliating that I'm pregnant, that I gave into my natural urges and got bred. But here I am, growing bigger and bigger, swelling with life. Eventually my pregnant belly is so huge that I need to rely on you. My girly clit is begging for attention, for any kind of relief, but only you can help me.

I'm so desperate that I immediately agree to wear the maternity dress and breastforms. My face burns with shame, but my pussy and her urges are even stronger and more demanding. The more you play with my fake tits, the hornier I become. It's just silicone, but seeing how you toy with them and suck on them melts my confused little mind.

You're right that I don't need to be respected as a trans man. Serving and submitting to a real man is more rewarding than being trans ever could be. I want to change, I'll be your good girl, the mommy of your babies. And once I can get the surgery to give me huge udders, you would have already succeeded in conditioning me. My dysphoria would shift and I'd feel bad about not having hanging, heavy breasts filled with milk. Months later, I'd be so happy seeing my girly udders drape over my rounded out belly once I'm pregnant with baby number two. I finally look like the fertile, busty woman I was always meant to become. All thanks to you <3

[your-queer-dad]

Hi finch! It's the person talking about binders a lot again. I just need other people to bounce thoughts off of bc I don't know anyone else irl who's trans/transmasc.

For context, I'm afab but not a woman and also not a man. I used to be a girl bc i was raised that way and didn't know there were other options but i haven't grown into a woman. I dont want to grow into a woman. I'm pretty sure I'm agender? At least that sounds more correct than the other labels I've gone by (girl, demigirl, nonbinary). I guess I experience gender similarly to sexual attraction (aka I'm very confused and don't understand how other people know what their gender is or how they experience gender).

That's not the point of this though, it's (once again) the topic of top surgery. I feel like I'd be fine without getting it... like if I'm by myself my chest doesn't bother me. It's there and I don't hate it. I dont think I experience dysphoria, especially not the way other people do. But if I'm out in public I know that other people will notice my chest and read me as a woman and treat me accordingly as a result. THATS what bothers me, I think. I haven't gone swimming in a few years because of it and i kinda miss doing that... But I think if it wasn't seen as a woman thing/a widely sexualized part of the body I'd be fine just keeping my chest. But on the other hand I'm worried about opting to remove it. What if I regret that choice? What if I hate how I look after? I mean, once I have the surgery that's it, that's my body. And I guess I could keep a small bit of breast tissue but that's not the point lol

There's also the other side of the coin. I just looked in the mirror earlier and for a second my brain didn't register my chest and that felt so correct. It felt so right. But I'm still worried about making a decision because it'd be so much easier to just let my chest be the way it is because it doesn't bother me THAT much. And I wonder if a reduction would feel better but my chest is already on the small side (cant tell you the size bc i never bought real bras lol I've only ever worn sports bras) and I don't know if it would help me. Like what if I regret the reduction? Or on the flip side, what if I do it and it's not enough? I don't want to have to go under twice.

Idk, I've just been thinking about this for a few months now and I'm being indecisive about it. The decision will probably be influenced by how easily I could get the surgery (bc from what I've read you need a letter from a therapist and all that stuff here and also the insurances like to pretend that nonbinary people/people who wanto to do something other than the "normal/full transition" dont exist) and if I think it's worth the stress of having to explain those feelings that I dont even quite understand myself yet. I mean, having a surgery (or potentially going on hrt but somehow that is even more daunting than surgery to me) would make me visibly trans and I don't think my country is doing too well in regards to queer safety yet. I don't know if I want to be visibly trans but I know that I dont want to basically "fully transition" and be read as a man. That'd be too far in the other direction. Ideally I just want to confuse people but that sounds like an unsafe situation to be in, especially in my current almost fully cishet social circle...

Man, I wish Shape-shifting powers were real so I could just test things impermanently before actually going through with permanent changes. That'd make this whole thing so much easier.

Idk, I just wanted to be able to tell another trans person about this and maybe get some advice or something. Im so sorry about how long this got. Thank you for reading it! I appreciate your account a lot, it's nice to just read everyone's experiences. Thank you for running the account and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.

Everyone, go hydrate! /nf

- 🌌🌃

Hey kiddo!! I completely understand those worries and my best advice is: if you have any doubts, don't do it. Top surgery is irreversible and it isn't worth it. Wait until you're 1000% sure. I completely understand that's hard and other people's assumptions is so annoying. I wish shape shifting skills were real too!!! That would be so handy.

- dad x

[brunhielda]

Saw a post on here I can’t find again. It was about how every time they try to make a “strong female character” in a medieval or fantasy setting, she “distains woman’s work” and seems to hate sewing, embroidery, weaving, and other female crafts.

Which is dumb. Those crafts were how you avoided men and gossiped with the other women. Not to mention kept people clothed, passed down stories, and are beautiful art in thier own right.

So now I have a story idea (I think a tv show) and my normal journal is missing, so here you go.

A duo of ladies. Maybe sisters, maybe friends. One is known for her embroidery and tapestries. One is known for singing and dancing. The embroidery artist uses that time to gather information and make courtly political plays. The dancer is a skilled assassin and spy. Together they do their best to make sure the court works in the favor of those they care for (maybe they even try to help the peasantry occasionally- depends on your aesthetic).

As they collect more power they collect more ladies into their circle. A midwife (what the assassin doesn’t know about the body, she DOES, and many women owe her their lives). A banker’s daughter (who has been setting aside her monthly income for some very shrewd investments by way of her brother). The beer brewer (who hears street gossip and has means of denying people beer- not to be taken lightly). The wife of the cloth merchant who convinced her husband to sponsor a library. The undercook in the castle kitchens. The grandmotherly nurse who has raised 3 generations of royalty. The old beekeeper on the top of the hill who has seen every change in weather for 50 years and knows the patterns back to her great great grandmother and ALWAYS predicts the harvest. Maybe some young girl who is the fastest runner of all the children in the streets who just runs messages between the court ladies and the city ladies.

Just a collection of women who have used their place to influence things and when their influence bumps up against the group, the ladies take her in to their confidence until this group is quietly running the capitol and low key the country.

We could have the occasional “guest star” who is just a lady they need to solve the problem of the week. What does she need to be convinced to help? What insight does she add to the collective about how things could be done better?

Do we get gay ladies? Spinster aces? A (gasp) trans lady?! (Maybe working as an actress- that would be a good place to hide) Foreigners from other courts with other skin tones and cultural ideas of a woman’s power? Maybe some refugees in town from neighboring countries? (The Mediterranean had lots of interesting and heart breaking movement of people) Who knows? The sky is the freaking limit! Just ladies being ladies. All kinds of ladies. Doing all the things, bringing all the wisdom.

Finally, FINALLY, after like 3 seasons, they gain the one thing they were missing in their collective power- the one thing that the men truly respect and they need to openly exert their power- brute intimidation. A Lady Knight joins the circle.

Over the season she saves every warrior under the King’s command in various ways, mostly because of the help and information she is getting from the other women. Honestly her new guy friends think she might be a bit witchy? She always seems to know what is going to happen, but it’s fine, because she uses it for us. Just the best of bro energy for her story, coupled with her talks and planning with the women’s circle. She now has a very loyal army at her back willing to follow her into any insane plan, because they just assume she can get them out again, and you can bet the women’s circle is ready and willing to USE it.

Absolutely nothing can stop them now.

I have no idea how it ends, but something something about a disaster making them come out in the open to save a lot of people- the split in the men over who backs them, maybe a swift change in power on the throne- the point is something forces their hand and they succeed and openly run things for the betterment of everyone huzzah.

I like happy endings. Sue me.

(If we really need angst, disaster gives one of the older ladies a heart attack in first part of finale, and near the end we get a noble sacrifice by someone else. They built a better world they don’t get to see- cue shot of gravestone at end, grab tissues)

And you know what I want- what I really really want? I want all the male characters- the brothers and fathers and husbands, to each individually realize their woman is manipulating him/ using HIS power to make their lives better. Most of them have the knee jerk reaction of getting angry about it. Couple have to be handled by the assassin before they can spill any secrets of hurt anyone. Some of them keep quiet so as not to be embarrassed and come to a slow, if grudging acceptance of the way things are now. But some, oh please, some need to look around at what their girl has done and realize what a wonder she is and start backing her play. Maybe some do it without telling her- both sweet and problematic. Some outright tell the woman how proud they are and have to be convinced to keep quiet. It would be really funny to have one older husband be told outright, and he just lowers a book (like a newspaper) and raises an eyebrow. “And? Why do you assume I don’t know what goes on in my own house? She seemed to be doing a good job of the thing so I thought best let her get on with it. Terribly independent, but then she doesn’t interfere with my side of things either. I assumed if she wanted help she’d ask. Is that what this is? Does she need help with something or other?” Just clearly knew the whole time and didn’t see a problem with it 😂

But the point is in the woman power show I would like some decent men. I would like them to grapple with the society they live in and what they have been taught versus what they know about their loved one, and I would like them to make the right choice even if it takes time. I would like them to be full people with arcs of their own (just because male writers do it to us, doesn’t mean we have to do it back).

Anyways- the dream fantasy of women supporting women and using their wits and talents to make change, with the occasional good man willing to help out 👍 It could be a fun show.

[befemininenow]

Top posts of the year

Hello fellow followers! As the end of the year is slowly approaching, I want to give a thanks to all your support! We may not all share the same interests, but we all share a similar interest of wishing to connect more with our feminine sides. I want to share my last Throwback Thursday by looking back at something more special outside of my own past: my most popular captions by my followers! It will also be my pinned post until New Year’s Day arrives! Here are the top 5 most liked and shared captions (created by me) from this blog:

5th most popular is this one of Sunny Leone in sexy lingerie. This one was created out of impulse and I was caught by surprise that it caught on more than I would have thought. Then again, someone hot like her would provoke you into cracking your egg if she actually said that.

4th place is this art of someone dressing as a woman. This was my very first caption and decided to use this well known drawing used in captions for several years. From what I was able to find later, it was a commission drawn by a known TG transformation artist. However, this person in the drawing is transgender and she (not “he”) is happy to see herself looking back. The euphoria in her face may explain why she hasn’t worn the wig yet. Crossdressing may help some trans individuals with dysphoria and can even serve as a catalyst in transitioning if they feel the need to feminize (or masculinize if trans male) beyond dressing. I may look into recreating this caption in the future as I related more to this pic after discovering the origin.

3rd place is this caption of some girl in cleavage. I’m just going to leave it at that. I wrote as a way to show how “boymoding” can only work until your feminizing results make it difficult to hide. Boymoding, from what I was able to understand, is when transitioning girls under HRT dress as male, but everyone around them notices they’re turning into a girl. In other words, the people around them see them as a crossdresser instead of a guy now. Yet, boymoders deny their feminizing changes. Once it becomes too obvious, like bigger breasts or softer skin, their only option left is to come out as a trans girl.

2nd is this very hot GIF, and it’s easy to see why it’s so hypnotic. The crop top and leggings hugging her own curves, the way she moves, her long, flowing hair, and her overall looks are persuasive enough to either chase her, become her, or both! The clip was originally from a Vine (remember those?) that was difficult to edit, recrop, and make into what you’re seeing right now. I don’t make GIFs anymore, but maybe I’ll make another one like this one day.

And in 1st place is this one of a woman holding a set of pills. Although they’re actually birth control pills, this pic was used in long-gone caption affirming the user to take hormones. Many trans people are placed in a waiting list to be prescribed gender-affirming hormones, and that’s after an extensive time being in therapy sessions. These waitlists take months, or even years, before being cleared out. Oh, and these trans people are all adults! So it’s no surprise as to see why many would love to get their hands on HRT if handed to them instantly. If you’re in that process, please reach resources such as Planned Parenthood, Plume, or other sources available in your country or region that will help you guide your transition into a girl.

-Conclusion

These top posts say something more than wishing to connect with our feminine sides. Based on this list, it seems many wish to also become a girl for other reasons. I can’t judge what you like as I am responsible for creating these captions. But as someone who is learning more about their trans identity, my captions are slowly drifting away from fantasy and diving more into reality. I will slip in something provocative as a way to tease you. But it most likely won’t fall under the “forced fem” topic, but rather as a way to “crack” your egg. There will be more surprises showing up come next year, or up until this blog lasts. Until then, happy night people!

[terra-feminarum]

When people talk about reversible and permanent effects of transition, they are usually talking about the medical effects. What is your experience around permanence and the social effects of transition?

Interesting question! I'm not sure I'm able to provide an answer that I'd be happy with as I've never thought of this before. I'm glad you asked and I hope other detransitioned women will share their thoughts as well.

One thing that comes to mind is the hiding. I transitioned at time when it wasn't cool to be trans, basically no one knew trans men existed and being stealth was the only way trans people lived, that is, hiding your background as well as you can. I'm sure it's like this for many people even today. So you feel like you have this huge secret you need to protect at all times. I lived such a long time keeping this huge secret, trying to fill a social role I had no clue how to navigate and at the same time I lost my contact to other women. It definitely had an effect on my social life and I still feel very out of place whenever I'm with people I don't know well. Then again, there could be other factors at play, too. But having this long experience of hiding a central part of who you are will leave a scar.

The medical effects can also cause lasting social effects. Being androgynous or looking/sounding like a trans person will affect your social life. It's unsettling to not know whether others think you're a man or a woman. I don't know if it's easier in other countries but speaking a very gender neutral language makes it pretty much impossible to know how others perceive me and then on top of it nowadays younger people tend to walk on eggshells around androgynous people and avoid all gendering. I've deciphered younger people mostly tend to see me as a TIF, some older people understand I'm a woman but some think I'm a man. I guess I'm always seen as some kind of "other", something weird. But then again, if I hadn't taken T I would still be very GNC and obviously SSA and straight women would still probably think of me as being different from them.

I wonder if there's been any positive permanent social effects? While I'm socially anxious and my years as a trans man have to do with it, I think I gained some confidence, too. I got to live without the pressures women have. No one expected me to wear make-up or dress in a feminine way. It's been really easy to continue this after detransition. I feel zero pressure to present myself the way women are expected to, even in professional settings. I do zero compromises about this. It would feel very absurd to perform femininity. Living as a man gave me the experience of other people considering me a "normal person" while I was very GNC. In their eyes I was an average dude. So while I might look like a freak now and I know it, I kind of feel like I'm being the normal one and it's the others who are being weird about it. I think it's better this way than me feeling I'm somehow being inappropriate for being a "masculine" woman.