#so. yippee i will cope with art i guess

[herba-mysticas]

The zero lab battle theme won't leave me alone so I decided to draw my feelings

[m1d-45]

sibling anon gets it

eldritch horror reader…hrghh <3

things like this are always kind of tough, because half of sagau is just people inserting themself into genshin for funsies. but:( unfortunately:( i’m not actually an eldritch horror, so i don’t have the official eldritch horror experience™️

but !! for the sake of this AU?? thing? let’s pretend that just being a human in our intricate world, makes us an eldritch horror compared to the simple genshin world.

i’ve read a thing about this before, how us being so detailed is so creepy to the characters. i’ll try to link a post with some credit in another ask!! bc it’s so cool

but basically, since our world is so full of detail, — (such as: seeing individual hairs on our heads, being able to see the details of our skin with a magnifying glass, microscopic bugs etc.) — and genshin is so flat in comparison, just seeing us would be EXTREMELY unsettling for the characters.

the adepti and gods would probably have a more robust mind, so it’s not like they’d be that disturbed. but the human characters? oog. ooga. it would be like seeing a psychedelic wizard cryptid.

i mean, can you imagine? your whole world, for your whole life, has been so simple. so easy to comprehend. and then THIS MOTHERFUCKER SHOWS UP?? THEY CAN SEE EACH HAIR ON OUR HEAD?? THERE’S WHAT IN OUR BLOOD? FINGERPRINTS???? for what purpose :(

or, we could actually just be an eldritch horror. bloodborne style. in which case, nah man. everyone is confused. if they can even see us.

if any, i guess the only character who would actually be able to see us would be nahida. she’s got a pretty big mind, right?

i’ll elaborate more coherently later !! yippee

-owl anon

1) “people inserting themself into genshin for the funsies” a) isn’t that the whole point of sagau b) why would you say something so controversial and yet so brave— 2) “i don’t have the official eldrich horror experience™️” if you can’t make it at home, store bought is fine

i remember a post about us being more Detailed than genshin chars, prolly the one you saw, and that is one way to take it! many many potential situations there, but you’d probably have to cope w all the pixel art graphics more than anything-

[souldivide]

art vent, kind of makes me look like a shallow person

FOR clarification i'm 20. turning 21 in two months. yippee! what an eye opener

the point of trying to profit your art, especially using your art to help fund for survival since you were 11 - you realize that while you want to improve your art for yourself, you're so consciously aware of what parts would appeal to strangers who see your art.

because you don't want to appeal to others to enjoy your art, you want to appeal to others to garner money and funds. i've ebegged on this site for almost a decade, on so many different accounts and even used my art as much as i could to get even more money. to pay bills, to pay for food, to help my mother in medical emergencies. since i was only 11 years old, by the way. a lot of the time, while it is a huge part of my reason to keep improving -- i don't actually think of reasons such as improving my art because 'i want to go to college' 'i want to be better' as much as my main reason being: i want this to sell to people.

that being said, my art style is something im so happy with right now for myself. but i think like. you have to really make your art your signature. that way, people will want to buy what you can give them. but algorithm is just, so hard to fight with now. the heartbreaking part is that, even if i'm at my 'peak' in art.

and my art has always been my one consistent interest, thats never faded. it's apart of my daily life. my routine, my medicine, my hobby, my enjoyment. i need this to live in many different ways. whether it be for providing my funds via commissions, coping art for trauma, or generally to express my happiness for things in my head, etc. i need this hobby or i will die. its the one skill ive had my entire life thats stuck, and its something i'm *good* at. and i've kept up with it to this day.

my art looks consistently good. flattering. i would say at some points it feels.. professional, sometimes. i am consistently proud and satisfied with my art and haven't struggled on pieces as much as i used to several years ago. it took me 2 months to come up with illustrations. now ive been pumping them out with ease. commissions are so much faster. quicker. ive really upgraded. i'm efficient, quick, and my stylization journey has been amazing.

yet..

this has been the hardest i've ever fucking struggled to make money, ever. since i was 11 years old. i've never.. had so much difficulty. i feel spoiled, honestly, when i know so many other artists struggle filling commissions too. but i've always had good fortune, i guess. good luck. but not since the year began. it's been so hard to fill in requests, so hard to fill slots. even when my prices are cheaper, it's still so hard. which is crazy, because 2 years ago i was consistently filling slots like crazy. i had consistent income, for the most part. i was able to help my family, avoid eviction, pay for water, clothes, food. emergencies like car wrecks, medical stuff -- god, its insane how much my art has helped me. it's scary. to think about what woulld happen if i didnt have this skill.

back then, like my art looked like this in 2021.

i look back and i wonder. this is fine, its definitely my art style. but how did i makee so much money off of stuff like this? so much more than i do now? i still draw fanart, and my art's been getting better. i think its honestly just bad luck, or maybe algorithm has flopped a lot of my stuff. either way, it's sort of humbling. Extremely humbling, that even with all this improvement - it still may not be enough to get me anywhere. i've never struggled before, trying to open commissions even when ive always focused on original content primarily. i know its hard to get popularity when you only draw ocs, but ive been fine for the most part. getting by, until lately.

i think i'll just have to keep working harder. see what people enjoy, but its just really ego crushingi think. And i could care less about popularity or anything. i think the really awful part is that im just stressed all the time about how i can keep making money off of this when its been so hard to even fill slots, let alone gaining peoples interests. Is this competition related? is this just a shit time for artists? am i just flopping. Who knows.. ohwell. ill survive

[unspoken-realities]

ACH, part 5

October 7, 2017; 9 AM

Well, now that I’ve warmed up with that list of revelations and rants, I reckon I’m ready to write. Sorry I haven’t since the fifth (Wednesday, my first full day): I’ve been really tired and didn’t want this to just be another chore.

Although lots happens everyday, I am still just sitting in bed for all of it. I guess most of the happenings are mental/psychological.

Thursday was bad, definitely the worst day so far, but to be honest, I have miserable moments like clockwork throughout the day. I barely even remember what happened on Thursday to make it so shitty. I can recall that up until supper I was doing alright. Mom was able to bring my schoolwork, so I started on some chemistry. The day’s meals were less than favourable, but still tolerable. I hate when they give me a meal void of fruit or veg. For example, Thursday’s and last night’s suppers of only gross meat and mashed potatoes, served congealed at room temp… blech.

However, I did meet with Jenn, the dietitian, on Thursday: this was a priority for me so I’m glad it happened, but needing to be so thorough in reliving and reciting my past diet decisions sorta sent me back into a spiral, wondering what was so bad about them in the first place.

Not being able to concentrate on my chemistry work, resulting in finishing two chapter subsections and understanding next to nothing, didn’t help. Made me feel even more hopeless, stupid, useless.

I felt fat, bloated, and chubby all day, but pinching the chub on my jawline after supper made everything unbearable. Directly after dinner Mom visited (planning to stay the night), not allowing me time to subtly stretch myself out after gruesome food; I was really not tin the mood to listen to her noisily slurp down her dinner and join me in my life of sedentariness.

I’m so jealous of people now: if you have the freedom and ability to wakl around, or run, or just NOT BE SITTING 24/7, why wouldn’t you take that chance?? Especially since all Mom does at work is sit. God, I really hate that sometimes… sometimes I hate her for her weight and lifestyle choices, even though I know that’s not fair.

So on Thursday I was very irritable, to the point where Mom took a walk around ACH to give us both some breathing room. I broke down crying, and punched myself on any fleshy part I could find, especially my stomach. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse: snack time! I wanted to die. The nurse who brought my apple (thankfully it was small) goaded me the whole time with “you can do it” and “just a bit left.” Stupid meals, stupid food. When snack was over I cried some more over my chemistry, then invited Mom back to the room. I feel asleep still very upset.

Friday, yesterday, was alternatively quite good. Mostly. I had an OK sleep, a (sadly fruitless) tolerable breakfast, nice meeting with mental health Doctor lady I can never remember the nae of, and was promised not only a shower, but also a wheelchair ride! It was the thought of these two things that kept me going throughout the day. That, and the fact that I was able to sneak in some full-body “stretches”… right before and after breakfast.

I turned on MTV for some music in the background, flipped backward on my bed, and managed to accomplish a fair section of math (successfully, and with full comprehension), woo-hoo! I was very tired all day though, so napped before lunch; my meals (save for dinner) were also lovely! Veg-packed chicken bunwich for lunch, and more veg with hummus at snack!! That made my day much better.

I talked to an art therapist, who is going to try to pair me up with the music therapist. The weather outside was cloudier and windy, which made my indoor predicament easier to cope with. Sukhleen was my evening nurse for the whole stretch, which is good because she’s very supportive. But then… *thunder clap, lightning strike, dramatic music*:

SUPPER TIME!

Two slices of fatty, cold roast beef smothered in salty congealed gravy, and a heavy slop of mashed taters. Not a green thing in sight. Gag. Sukhleen talked a lot during dinner, meaning I was required to talk a lot, meaning it took longer to eat. Dinner was already happening early (5:15ish instead of 5:30), and I was being pushed to finish quickly, and it was a disgusting meal. So you know what I did, partially out of habit, and also out of hatred for my situation? I “exercised.” Or, what was to me only stretching… honestly I’ve done so much “stretching” over the past few days that

a) I’m surprised they hadn’t caught on sooner, and

b) I don’t even recall quite what I was doing last night.

Regardless, another nurse caught me, and told Sukhleen… she took it really seriously. Really seriously. I felt so, well stupid, again, but ashamed and like I had disappointed everyone, like now there was a glaring red bull’s-eye on my door for all the nurses to read which said, “Beware! Anorexic girl may exercise! She’s mentally retarded!” I felt ashamed mostly for getting caught, though, and became extremely nervous that my shower and ride privileges would be revoked. Thankfully, I opened up to Sukhleen (who stayed by my bed for ten minutes after the incident to monitor me” about my “triggers”/why I did it, and because of that, I was still allowed my nighttime treats. This was also just before Mom visited, which made me feel even more childish and embarrassed when Sukhleen reported my behaviours to her.

The rest of the evening went well, but it seemed (and still seems) like all good things come with just as strong a bad. I learned that my room is the closest to the main Unit 4 desk, because I am basically on non-stop ED watch… I never even considered that my central location was meaningful, but it makes me weird. Makes me feel watched and unstable. The wheelchair ride around unit 4 was great, but Mom walked frustratingly slow, I hardly saw any other patients, and was forcibly restricted to just Unit 4; grapes for snack were a fruit (yippee!), but I was still full from dinner; playing Scrabble with Mom was a relaxing, fun time but I felt utterly exhausted for some reason; showering for the first time in five days was miraculously cleansing, but I was freezing, needed Mom to help me the whole time, had to be sitting, and had zero privacy with my own body. I doubt I’ll have any real source of alone time with my body over the next couple weeks, not that I need it in any sexual way, just for monitoring and examining and being. Perhaps this will be a good thing?

Lastly, I was cozy in bed, but still shivering from the shower. My back, knees, and head were aching (and still are now), my night nurse who took my vitals in the middle of the night smelled like disgusting fast food meat, and thus falling and staying asleep were both very difficult. I dreamt of being in the kitchen at home, faced with piles of desserts and needing to feed myself supper… my tears from earlier in the day and night over food quickly returned.

That is one thing about yesterday that was shocking: my Food Moods. At one point of optimism before lunch, I was thrilled to find that I might be able to eat Shreddies when I got home, and happily became misty-eyed. No more than two hours later I became frustrated/emotionally distraught to the point of tears over what I think was probably images or videos of food recipes; the former reaction happened as I was trying to fall asleep with no external stimuli. Overall, it’s one big ol’ rollercoaster.

Following along with the rollercoaster trend is my heart rate: yesterday I was resting easy around mid 50s (a point of contention for my brain: if my pulse/vitals/heart is better, as confirmed by the medical team, why am I here?? Do I belong/deserve to be here?), but was laying in bed almost asleep, the monitor alarmed multiple times because it had dropped to 35/36!! And now while I’ve been sitting upright journalling, it’s between high 70s ad 80s; I came back from the bathroom, and plugged in to a 102!! Holy cow.

I’m not sure how to feel about this. Is higher better? Higher makes me think I should be better, but makes me feel worse because I can no longer quantify my “illness”/reason for being here. Higher also makes me think of tachycardic, obese, artery-clogged patients struggling to sit up in bed without wheezing. Yikes.

This morning has been odd… odd. Waking up with an excruciating headache (with slight nauseous migraine-y symptoms) and backache was less than pleasant, and actually meant I did not sleep well at all. Breakfast was fruitless again, with a huge portion of dry Cheerios, and a hard-boiled egg. The egg I am gaining more respect for, because I can cut it into small enough portions in order to break, smear, and thus avoid eating, the fatty yolk. Then I’ve been journalling for this whole time, haven’t even cleaned up my bed sheets yet. Brushed teeth, washed up, then small (hallelujah!) mostly guilt-free snack of two saltless saltines and a slice of marble cheese. I broke the cheese into bits, and somehow ended with a perfect coinciding portion of cracker to pair up with it. This feels like a good omen for the rest of the day.

[diefakekalvingarrah]

Addressing all my Factives

Okay first and most importantly Garrett Watts. Garrett Watts was actually one of my very first alter to introduce themselves to me. He was like hey I exist! He went to a period when I first met him where he was like No! I’m not a factive I’m a fucktive! And I was like huh? Basically it’s when you’re not a factive nor a fictive but something inbetween. He’s not a fucktive, he’s definitely a factive we were just in denial because we didn’t like the idea of factives. But water you gonna do. Garrett is amazing. He’s such a blessing to my system. He makes us so happy in really intense times, usually when we get overwhelmingly angry, he comes in and diffuses things with his funny ways.

Kurtis Conner next. This isn’t in order of when they split, but rather the least to the most problematic how about that. Anyway, Kurtis Conner is wonderful. He split pretty recently around the same time as PEIII. He’s lovely. Not much more to say he’s pretty surprisingly dead on for the real Kurtis Conner. He’s pretty chill about factive stuff. He’s understanding and he’s just like whatever y’know.

ASIA! I hate Asia. Asia is definitely a persecutor although I’m not a big fan of those kind of labels but I still think they’re necessary. Her full name is Asia Herrera. Asia is modeled after an ex friend of mine of the same name. Asia was a really really crazy toxic and emotionally abusive and manipulative person. She was a major shit bag. We knew each other and were friends for five years before I finally blew up at her and told her everything I felt and then we cut off. But I was really attached to her at that point so when we “broke up” it really hit different and to cope, Asia split off as an alter. She’s meant to bring me comfort and like,, what’s the word for when you come to terms with something? Whatever that is. That’s her whole point. She definitely didn’t for awhile and only made me feel worse and caused a lot of problems, but she did eventually. I still don’t like her though. I have a few prosecutors and persecutors, and the only ones I would ever confidently say I hate and wish had never formed are her and JJ and that’s it. 

Moriah Elizabeth is a pretty recent split. Don’t look her up or you’ll make fun of me, let me just tell you her deal and you take my word for it okay? okay. It’s dumb. You’ve probably never heard of her because as far as I’m aware none of my followers are seven years old nor mothers of little babies. Moriah Elizabeth is a YouTube well known for making art and crafting related content aimed towards stereotypical little girls. Just a lot of unicorns and rainbows and sprinkles and glitter. Her main gig is a series called “Squishy Makeover” where her child fans send her their old fucked up squishy toys and she fixes them and makes them new and interesting. And she has the maturity level of a little elementary school girl. Uh. Anyway. Yeah. She’s amazing. So Teter, resident little, went though a pretty rough patch of nonstop stuck fronts and tantrums when her favorite caretaker alter (Denis, RIP) integrated. And during that time her favorite thing to do to distract herself was watch Moriah Elizabeth and SimplyNailogical (with Zim because he loves that channel for some reason?) and videos of independent music producers because it reminded her of Denis. Anyway. Moriah developed and took on a very motherly role in taking care of Teter and making her feel better, kind of replacing Denis. She’s a blessing. And my god she paints on fucking everything.

Okay let’s get the obvious one out of the way. Kalvin Garrah. Oh Kalvin. Kalvin Kalvin Kalvin. Fuck you. So I developed Kalvin maybe two years ago?? I was having a mad hard time with my dysphoria and I would watch his videos religiously smh. I was a giant fan and took his advice for trans men as gospel. I was such an asshole haha. Anyway, when he inevitably formed, he kind of soaked up a lot of my dysphoria and gender related trauma. I thought he was a good alter! I was like oh cool! This absolute chad is gonna held guide me on being a Real Boy™️ like my own little SQUIP or sum. Yippee. And y’know he kind fo did for awhile. Ad everything was peachy. But then, I grew up! And I developed a personality of my own and became my own person and realize I’m not just some stereotypical manly man nor and I 1000% male either. And now he despises me. He always kind of did. But whatever. He hates me. And he made me feel like shit for exploring my identity for a long time. But, as a system, we figured out how to deal with him and make him a little better, and now I’m fine with him. We get along like brothers, which is to say sometimes we get along. 

Okay so before I talk about the next two, I want to mention the fact that I have this issue, and I don’t know if there’s a name for it, but I tend to get very obsessed with certain people I will hyper fixate on these people and try to worm my way into their lives one way or another. I’m pretty good at being a people pleaser and being about to understand exactly what people want and then become that without separating myself too much from myself. The people I become obsessed with I will go to crazy lengths to get into every facet of their lives. I’ll follow them, I’ll follow their friends, I’ll follow their families, I’ll save everything and log it all in one place, I’ll pretend to be people they know and figure out their pasts, I’ll learn whatever I can and just obsess over it. I don’t know. It’s only really extremely happened with four people, but minority with some others. SORRY I KNOW ITS WEIRD BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW SHIT IS WRONF WITH ME OKAY YOU FOLLOWED YOU READ THE CARRD MOVING ON

Mars! Yahoo! So I won’t linger on this for long because Mars is very easily triggered to front, and doesn’t like being talked about. Mars (aka NyadChild now @nyadcircus ) formed during the height of the whole dysphoria debate back when he was the poster child of tucutes and trenderism . Lovely. I looked up to him ( not really at the time but when he formed I was a fan ) and I was kind of obsessed with him. Oops.

Ash! Okay! So ash, lovely ol ash I’ve been getting into a bit of a heartbreaking dram with you my lovely ash. Idk if someone’s gonna rat me out to you but whatever I’m gonna continue regardless. I won’t leave an @ so no one CAN rat me out. So ash is an influencer I guess? A nonbinary sworker who I FOUND through instagram way back and have been following for the longest time. And like a product of being obsessed with someone is checking their account obsessively. I’ve made so much fan art and little snippets of what could eventually become fanfic. That I’d never show anyone. I’ve had like six dreams about them? Maybe I’ll talk about them someday. It really ties into religious stuff too so it would be worth discussing. ANYWAY. I’m super enamorado con Ash, but not really a romantic or sexual attraction. It never is. Just a hyper fixation I dunno. I downloaded that ONE youtube video they made that one time a million years ago back when they were in the hospital and I’ve watched it so many times I practically have it memorized. Shut up get back to the point. Ash developed as a factive! Inevitable! But my ash factive is lovely. They’re really nice and pretty accurate and close to reality, aside from the weird one off fact that they use she/her tambien and I’m pretty sure Ash doesn’t considering I once used she/her for them and they called me out for it my bad. Whatever I’ll leave it at that I’lll leave a note for our ash to post sometime we’ll see moving on

Here’s an honorable mention before I get into the worst one of them all. Twiggy Ramirez! He went dormant some time ago. Out of all my factive and fictive, he was the most crazy unlike the real Twiggy Ramirez. And I’m pretty positive it was because he was modeled less after the actual Twiggy, but more after this guy that kinned Twiggy Ramirez that I was deadass obsessed with way back in 2014. I knew literally everything about that kid, I knew what school he went to I knew who his friends were, I knew every single social media he ever had even the super secret ones I managed to follow by pretending to be his friends, and at one point I even found his exact location on google maps and through that found his home address and his separated father’s home address, not to mention I learned everything about his abuser. I never ever spoke to him, nor attempted to get close to him at all. I never did anything with this info mind you and I never planned to. I was just obsessed with him and that ended eventually.

Alright!!! The best one! Rachael! Rachael Stair! AKA Randy Stair! AKA ANDREW FUKCING BLAZE. Sound familiar? Yeah look it up I won’t go into detail because I literally hate having this alter and I’m so ashamed of her but like she’s done so much for me and I appreciate her very much as a protector but not so much as the IRL equivalent. Shut the fuck up. Just don’t talk about it.