#so yknow the concept of her not remembering causing some of the worst moments of my life

[analyticalangelsheart]

i think one of the saddest realizations a person can come to is the fact that some people never change.

even if they apologize, even if they claim to have improved nothing will ever change.

im not one to believe someone's nature is set in stone but sometimes people cast it in cement of their own making.

[faebriel]

ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

-

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn’t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

[aximili]

X, Q, E

oooo i didn’t think i had any ocs starting with x but i remembered one from ages ago actually..... i had a story called After Life abt a kid trying to redeem his soul after he gets sent to hell, it was a bit all over the place tho and i scrapped it. although recently saw there’s a netflix show of the same name w ricky gervais and still managed to be annoyed

Full Name: Xanthe (if she had a surname it’s gone from my memory omg)

Nicknames, If Any: Xan

Hogwarts House: slytherin

Gender: female

Sexuality: bi

A Song I Associate With Them: hmmmm.... That Man by caro emerald

3 Important Relationships: WELL i only remember 2 other characters she knew, tbh this world was never well-developed

-ransom, he’s her very officious & stuffy angel rival who she ends up having a weird hate-fling with

-there was the main kid whose guardian demon she is (oh yea she’s like a guardian angel but the opposite. encourages u to be bad.) but for the life of me i don’t remember his name lol. once i had developed RanXan as concepts i got distracted by their s*xy little rivalry. yes it’s all terminally het, i was like 14

2 Fears: she’s been (well, not alive, but around) for a long time so she’snot scared of much. she’s a very cocky person and embraces being the bad influence, especially to annoy ransom, bc on the surface she’s like, well this whole heaven/hell divide is bullshit, people aren’t just one thing. but i think deep down she’s afraid of the idea that she really is bad. and afraid of what happens once she fades into irrelevance in hell and stops getting assignments but still has to carry on existing

1 Element of their backstory: i think she was alive way back in Biblical Times - obv she wasn’t called xanthe then but chose her own name. she was a serial liar and said that god was talking to her in order to get things she wanted. but she died young, like everyone did

Q - oo i DO have one Q oc! he’s from adrift, my pirate novel that i will one day finish

Full Name: Queryn Smousk

Nicknames, If Any: idk if anyone calls him a nickname. they mostly just don’t refer to him. 

Hogwarts House: hufflepuff

Gender: male ? hm

Sexuality: gay

A Song I Associate With Them:  bottom of the river by delta rae

3 Important Relationships:

-rictor avis: queryn is a generic sailor on the pirate ship, rictor is the surgeon/carpenter for the crew, he’s a huge tall crow man, and is equally or perhaps more creepy than queryn. they hang around together and give everyone weird vibes. rictor is mute & queryn isn’t, but he says very little out of choice (he doesn’t speak the main language, idk common or whatever, very well) but they like to sit in the crows nest together in silence most hours of the day when theyre not working. everyone even their crewmates thinks they might be up to some weird shit. their dark secret? theyre just a cute couple.... they just like to hang out. they bonded with quiet, intense looks when queryn was first rescued dying in the swamp and brought on board and rictor mended his wounds. it was tender. absolutely nobody else knows theyre a couple even tho they don’t keep it a secret. theyre just chill

-garran korrash: garran is the bosun and is a literal/figurative grizzly old bear, and as well as being queryn’s manager he’s one of the only people who he’s really chill with. garran was the one who insisted they stop n help him out, and queryn’s been grateful ever since. he doesn’t say it bc he hardly says anything, but he shows it in hard work

-sonya perlace: like almost all of her crew, queryn would die for captain sonya. he comes from a pretty harsh society where the strong survive, and even tho he never quite fit in there, he really respects sonya’s strength & leadership.

2 Fears: even tho he’s a pirate his biggest fear is drowning since he nearly drowned before. he has a lot of nightmares about it. he’s also creeped out by elliot. cause what the fuck even IS that?

1 Element of their backstory: p much the only backstory he has is that he was part of this society of amphibian/lizard people in the deep swampy area of the continent that’s cut off from the rest. he was out hunting but got badly gored by a huge aninal (idk what, like a Bigger Lizard.. theres always a bigger lizard) and couldnt make it home. he started sinking into the bog but couldn’t pull himself free, then the area began to flood with torrential rainwater and he cried for help. luckily sonya & garran happened to be trekkin through the jungle and heard him

E - has to be elliot, the little bastard supreme. i played him as a dnd character with an altered backstory but i’ll use the adrift version

Full Name: elliot (no known surname)

Nicknames, If Any: nope

Hogwarts House: slytherin

Gender: male

Sexuality: probably bi? he only a teen though and being surrounded by furries hasn’t had much chance to develop any feelings on the matter

A Song I Associate With Them:  mariner’s revenge song by the decemberists

3 Important Relationships:

lol 2 of the 3 are fully hatred relationships because this young man has iiiiisssuuuuuues

-sonya perlace: he acts the begrudging deckhand who’s resigned himself to his life, but he is 100% devoted to eventually killing her. she killed his mama and he has been waiting for his moment ever since, he’s even had opportunities to leave the crew but has stayed so he can keep close to her. it’s fully like, would have a picture of her with daggers & darts in it, if he had such resources

-niphea perlace: niph is the captain’s daughter, the first mate, and the reason elliot’s still alive - she persuaded sonya not to throw him off the ship along with his mum. he has understandably mixed feelings abt this, and he rarely shows it, but she’s always been an advocate for him and treated him fairly so he does like niph more than anyone, despite himself. also she’s his closest in age on a ship full of adults. he.... tries not to think abt the fact he plans on killing her mother in return cause that’s a bit awkward isnt it

-aidan moss: quartermaster aidan doesn’t like things he doesn’t understand, and he doesn’t understand what elliot is, so he goes out of his way to be awful to him, tending to delegate his own jobs to elliot at every chance he can get & generally insulting him. elliot tolerates it bc he has to. but make no mistake this dude is no2 on the kill list

2 Fears: i don’t think he has a lot of fears because he’s already been through some of the worst things imaginable. i don’t even think he precisely fears drowning/dying at sea, because he’s been focused on the image of how his mother died for so long, & imagining doing the same to sonya, that it kinda no longer affects him?  but he also saw his dad die over a long period from wound infection and i think that must have made a traumatic impression on him, so i imagine he’s probably at least repulsed by decay/rot

1 Element of their backstory: so elliot is the only human character in a world of animals basically... i mean this is major novel spoilers but when tf am i ever gonna finish that.  he comes from a very remote island of remaining humans, descendants of the few who survived nuclear disaster a long time ago. when he was small he and his parents were exiled from the island for breaking its rules (yea, as tends to happen w small isolated communities, things got over the top cult-y) and sent out in a tiny boat to fend for themselves. his dad died slowly while they drifted in the ocean, and he and his mum were near death when they were picked up by sonya’s crew, who were like what the fuck are those??? they kept them in the hold to discuss what to do w them, but elliot’s mum, thalia, tried to break free, attacking niph when she came with food. as punishment sonya made her walk the plank, and that’s where it all went wrong yknow. woops this isn’t 1 element is it. oh well 

[isaacathom]

ok im willing to swap shrek 3 and shrek 4 on the ranking because shrek 3 did have some great moment but i also vividly remember finding the first half boring as fuck and the second half Great. somewhere around the uh.... meeeerlin section??? caves and shit. the school section was...... mixed. the concept was funny and basically everything up until arthur opens his fucking mouth and goes ‘i love you gwen’, yknow. shrek 4 was probably more all over average (as opposed to half below parr and half ABove par) but i like the raw concept more and like. im a slut for alternate timelines and it was genuinely interesting the see how the timeline diverged by shrek not being there for fiona and how she deals with the curse out in the world rather than in her towerrrr and how there are other ogres and how shrek reacts to this fact because apparently im supposed to interpret that shreks existence caused the seeming disappearance of every other ogre (excluding Fiona at night) so like. yknow. hats some good shit. its some good content. its just the lead into it was fucking garbage. like i am not a fan of the babies. i hate the babies. the babies were the worst part of shrek 3, actually, the fucking vomit dream? nightmare inducing.

so the point is for THOSE TWO the ranking is varier. neither compare to 1 and definitely not to 2, which is one of the greatest animated movies ever put to film.fucking hell. shrek 1 is good too, just not as iconic. though it is pretty good. the bonus short was fucking spooky, remember that shit? far out. fucking ghost farquad chasing them through a spooky forest and then falling over some aterfall? fuck