#so when he moves to ny all his emotions and thoughts over past mistakes and deaths and lost friends have the chance to topple over him

[oh-lordy-lord-save-me]

random drawings that definitely have no correlation at all

[lycorogue]

“What did you expect me to do?”: In Defense of the Car Scene and Alya

Okay, so I’ve been seeing a lot of salt lately (and I tend to follow blogs that stay positive and relatively salt-free with regards to the fandom) about the car scene towards the end of the Miraculous Ladybug NY special.

Mainly the “stupidity” of the writers having Alya demand that Marinette should have said something to Adrien when the car pulled up.

“Couldn’t you see he was just waiting for you to tell him to stay?”

I’ve seen fans counter “it’s not like it would have changed anything” or “what could she do against his father’s wishes” or “her asking him to stay wouldn’t have stopped Gabriel from demanding he come along” and other such arguments.

And, yes, as viewers and as adults (I believe most, if not all, of the blogs I follow are run by adults), WE know that those are all true. Gabriel, as Hawk Moth, has just set a dangerous supervillain lose on the city with a way to make NYC even MORE dangerous by turning the superheroes against the city as well. He wants his son the HELL out of there ASAP. Nothing anyone would say could change his mind.

We also know that the only reason Adrien was allowed to go in the first place was because Gabe-y was going to NYC himself and figured it was a convenient way to not have to hide that he’d be even MORE absent from Adrien’s life for a few days. Especially given that Nathalie is clearly bedridden after the events of the S3 finale and so Gabriel can’t even outsource his parenting onto her.

HOWEVER, as the CHARACTERS, none of them know that.

What they DO know is that Marinette is apparently a miracle worker. As far as they are concerned, Marinette is the Mr. Agreste Whisperer. There have been a couple of times that she was able to convince Gabriel to let Adrien do something. If she’s involved, he can go to birthday parties. He can host a Christmas dinner. He can return to school. He can sneak off to a movie. He can do impromptu photo shoots for his friend’s fashion line. He can go on international class trips. Heck, the fashion show that showcased Marinette’s winning derby hat MAGICALLY DREW GABRIEL AGRESTE HIMSELF OUT OF HIS HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS! One of the FEW times he’s left his mansion in a year (at least). 

If Marinette could do all that, despite the odds, despite Gabriel Agreste seemingly being steadfast in his decision, then why can’t she do so again? Why couldn’t she ask Adrien to stay with them, and then try to talk Mr. Agreste into allowing it?

She refused to sit idly by when Adrien said he wouldn’t be able to go on the New York trip. She stormed over to the Agreste mansion and “convinced” Mr. Agreste to let his son come. 

“My father told me everything. The only reason I can enjoy this beautiful sunset is you. I thought it would be impossible, but you believed in it. You're always willing to take a chance on something or someone, even when no one else is.”

...even when no one else is.

Marinette doesn’t give up on anyone or anything!

Until that moment. That moment when Adrien desperately needed someone to fight for him, to prove to him he’s worth fighting for, to validate that people DO value him and want him to stay. The moment when Adrien needed Marinette’s determination and positivity the most, and she failed him. (Not to salt on Marinette. I totally get why she froze. I’m just putting this in the perspective of the characters)

He had told Marinette that “You're always willing to take a chance on something or someone, even when no one else is,” and yet, apparently this is the point where Marinette draws the line. This is when she’s no longer willing to take that chance. HE’S not worthy of that chance anymore, and with everything that just happened between him and Ladybug, he FEELS that to his core.

Alya sees this. Alya can SENSE how much Adrien needed his defender in that moment, and Marinette just threw in the towel on him. Yes, Nino begged Adrien to not go, but it’s been shown multiple times that Nino truly doesn’t have any power over what Adrien can and can’t do. Sure, it may be a small bit of comfort that Nino wanted him to stay, but it wasn’t what Adrien needed in that moment. 

THAT is why Alya was so pissed at Marinette. All those times that the girl did over-the-top stunts to try to get Adrien’s attention. All the times Marinette has gone to bat for Adrien over “silly” things in the past. All the energy Marinette puts into proving Lila is lying. Then the ONE TIME someone clearly needs her to go to bat for them, and she BAILS!? THAT is when Marinette suddenly doesn’t think Adrien’s worth the effort!? Worse comes to worst, if Gabriel shrugs Marinette off and still demands that Adrien comes with, at least then Adrien still knows someone is willing to fight on his behalf, and that’s something.

But this? Not a single word? It snaps Alya. Trying to get over Adrien is one thing, but now Marinette is overcompensating to the extreme where she’s not even being a good FRIEND to him. Nope. This shit is NOT going to fly with her.

So she storms up to her bestie. She yells at her. She has no clue what inner turmoil is going on with Marinette. She knows nothing of Chat Noir. Honestly, at that moment I don’t think she even realizes Ladybug and Chat Noir are in NYC.

True, it’s a dumb move to send Marinette racing after Adrien in the rain when the city is on lockdown and a dangerous supervillain is on the lose. I’m sure Alya beat herself up about that the moment Marinette was out of view and Alya had a moment to calm down.

BUT THE GIRL IS FOURTEEN! SHE’S ALLOWED TO BE LASER FOCUSED AND NOT SEE THE BIG PICTURE WHEN HER EMOTIONS TAKE HOLD. KIDS ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES.

Also, let’s just face the facts. The amount of times Alya puts HERSELF in danger for a scoop, she probably doesn’t even truly grasp the potential consequences. I mean, yeah, she’s cut back on the self-endangerment a lot after becoming Rena Rouge, but still. Besides, NYC is flooded with superheroes, and at this point none of them have been influenced by the supervillian yet. As far as Alya’s concerned, how much danger could Marinette truly get in, right?

Plus, Alya never expressly told Marinette to go full-romcom-trope and chase Adrien down; meet him at the airport to beg him to stay. She just yelled at her best friend to shake her out of whatever teenage BS was going on with her trying to get over Adrien and make a flippin’ decision already (not that Alya was making that easy, but that’s for another post). Marinette simply made that decision on her own and Alya didn’t stop her. Maybe she tried, but Marinette moved too quick. We don’t know. The camera was on Marinette.

That notwithstanding, once Alya sees the news and knows that Marinette is now MIA, she probably has a MAJOR breakdown. We didn’t see it because it wasn’t important to the plot, but I trust that Alya doted heavily on Marinette the second she returned. Apologizing for her outburst and not focusing on if Marinette was okay. This is probably also where that 180 about deciding how Marinette feels about Adrien came from. Alya demanding Marinette figure it out NOW potentially put her in danger, so instead Alya has decided that Marinette SHOULD go at her own pace; there’s always tomorrow. We’ll see if that continues in s4.

Now, would I have written this whole car scene differently to try to avoid all of those narrative pitfalls? Maybe, but I’m also not a professional scriptwriter, so I can’t really critique those who are for their judgement calls. They went for the emotional gut-punch, and they kept the characters in-character. That’s all I can really ask for from them. 

At the end of the day, while it is always nice when shows take on the responsibility to educate their viewers and show them healthier ways to accomplish things, it’s not expressly their job. Their job is to entertain, and that scene WAS entertainment. It’s only with emotional and mental maturity, as well as an analytical and critical eye, does this scene present itself as problematic and therefore no longer enjoyable, despite it being fairly accurate with regards to how teenagers might think. 

Now, I’m not saying we CAN’T criticize the show. By all means, go ahead. I am still reading the salt and internalizing why it’s there so that I can learn and be better with my own writing. However, we should also be aware of how our own views and personal demands on storytellers might jade us to the show. In doing so, we should then be cautious about HOW we criticize the show, because the last thing this fandom needs is more salt.

[glittercndgcld]

( 𝑝𝑒𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑥 𝑚𝑜𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑎 )

    📲 text messages | @xboutlxstnightmuses

monica this is how it goes, mon amie. Engagement is off and i am returning to NY short version long version...he wants to find himself and he left for canada yesterday. good thing is that he gave me a huuuuge amount of money for "emotional support" 🙄 did he actually mean it for  a therapist? Cause i don't need his money. I need him. all this time...i gave up new york for him i need your help to find an apartment and i am talking with people in general about opening the dream business i never got to open BECAUSE I WAS WORKING DOUBLE SHIFTS TO BE WITH HIM

peter  Okay, so passports are pretty expensive, but I can swing it. Then, we go to Canadan and we hire a private investigator, okay? We can track him down and hurt him. We can hurt him real bad. I never liked him - I told you I didn't like him. God, Monica. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve that - no one does. He's an asshole and I always knew you could do so much better than him. Total pos! You gave up a lot for him, and for him to pay you back like that makes me really want to hunt him down. But I'm not really that scary. I know people though, you just give me the word! You know I'll help you out. You can crash with me, even. Until you find a nice apartment. I KNOW AND YOU'RE AMAZING FOR IT For emotional support? You should've punched him in the adam's apple.

monica i always wanted to go to Canada....but now i don't even want to think there is such a place hell i don't want to hear the name Andew never again after 10 years of being together, he breaks up with me  through an email and sends me money to my paypal account i didn't know i had paypal PETER :scream: it is alright....i guess love isn't going to be my thing it is gonna be interesting to hunt him down but...yeah. maybe karma is going to hunt him down. thanks :heart: you are probably the only person that i  can count on

peter Honestly, what a fucking dick, mon - and you know I don't even talk like that, but WOW! I'll never speak that name to you ever again. And yes, that is a promise! THROUGH AN EMAIL?! God, I am hoping you're kidding, but also know that you definitely aren't - what was he thinking??? I swear to god, mon, when he inevitably comes crawling back to you, you better not take him back. He doesn't deserve you and now I think you can agree. If you don't want his money, cancel the paypal account. I mean, you'll be just fine without his 'emotional support'. Just because you wated 10 years on one undeserving pos, doesn't mean they're all undeserving. And I only say that because you deserve love. You know? You just gotta find it. He kept you from doing that the past 10 years. Karma will absolutely hunt him down. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when it does. You can always count on me. I'm glad you know that.

monica Dear Monica, It has been like what? 10 years since I have met you in New York  and it was love at first sight. I can't do this anymore, though. I feel like we are the same. I still love you but it feels like you have been blocking a part of me that i never got to explore. I think I am starting with Canada. The money that we have been saving for our wedding is sent to your paypal account. I will always love you. I am sorry. it is still my money...no idea how to use it though? WHY PAYPAL THOUGH ? another forbidden word: paypal the wound is way to fresh to talk about who is deserving of love and who isn't at the moment he also sent me a text with the emotional support thing do you really think that he is going to return back? just booked tickets. Is  this Thursday okay?

peter WOW he literally broke up with you via email... what a fucking coward! I mean, who even does that?! In that case, he better give it all back to you. It better all be there. Your guess is as good as mine. Got it though - two words you'll never hear leaving my mouth. You are absolutely right. I just want you to know though - this has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. You're literally the best. I do think he'll come crawling back! Why wouldn't he?? You're a catch and he just willingly let you go. He'll realize he's made a mistake at some point and he'll want you back. Yeah, of course! I'll be free for you. If I have class, I'll leave a key for you.

monica apparently my ex fiancè it is all here ; but at the moment i feel like it is cursed. And honestly??? I do not know how to use it, because I already have money saved Maybe i was too oblivious to see it. That he was unhappy. Thanks though:heart: i hope i don't accept him that easily when he does that. I feel so desperate at the moment. I mean...i still love him:sob: thanks :smiling_face_with_3_hearts:you da best

peter I’m so angry! I hope I never see him again or else he might regret it. Save it for whenever you might need it. A savings to the savings account :thinking: you’re moving to NYC - you just might need it. It happens sometimes. Besides, you aren’t a mind reader. If he never communicated that with you, it’s hard to really know. Of course. I mean every word! I hope you don’t either. I understand that and it’s okay, too. You’ll move on eventually, and it’ll feel great, I promise you. Second to you.

monica you're right about the savings account maybe it wasn't. Maybe i ignored all the signs. i mean damn....we were fucking living together...why didn't he say it to my face? Why email? And text? Why in the middle of the night? Was I pressuring him that much? I wish i was a mind reader. I am so sorry for monopolizing the conversation. It has been a long time since we  actually talked and I heard about your news and New York:heart_eyes: but it actually feels bad at the moment. That it will never end. And I will never find love again because love doesn't exist. or i was just thinking i was in love for 10 years. AND I thought that this was it but it was totally fake I sound like a bad chick flick movie aatm but men are :pig: besides you of course :shushing_face::shushing_face::shushing_face: you are :candy::candy::candy::candy::lollipop::lollipop::lollipop:

peter Try not to beat yourself up so much, Mon. It really happens to the best of us. I know, hun. I know. He's an asshole - that's really the only conclusion I can come up with right now. An unappreciative., inconsiderate, stupid asshole that's just made a really stupid mistake. I wish we were both mind readers. That'd have made things so much easier over the years. Hey, don't apologize to me, okay? I'm here for you just like you've been here for me over the years - to listen to all the venting. It's been a little while and I hate the circumstances you've texted me under, but I'm really glad to hear from you. Oh, you ain't missing out on much over here. It will and you will. But you've gotta be open to that sort of thing to find it, you know? Just give yourself time to get through it. Men are :pig: This is part of the reason why I've been single for the past 2 years :upside_down: Ah, I try sometimes.

monica I doubt New York hasn't got anything new to give. We need to plan what we are going to do once I arrive!!! I can't be open at the moment. It doesn't feel like it's worth it. oooh bad luck there? I bet you have charmed a lot of people, though. And they were too shy to let you know!! I mean the older you get, the more gorgeous you become. It's a gift! The sweetness is still there :heart: so anything I should bring from Langley? Anything you missed? ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING( pancakes for example) my mom says she misses you. She's gonna be in charge of the moving-my-stuff-from-Washington-to-New York... I doubt I can carry more than three suitcases with me at this point :hugging::hugging::hugging: but I'm willing to try that

peter Always something new and better out here in these parts. God, I know!! There's so much we could do. I haven't hit the city in quite a while and now I'm looking forward to doing that with you. I found a really good karaoke bar :smiley: I understand. But you know I'm going to try to be that voice in your ear saying not to give up on finding what you not only want, but what you deserve. Not the best of luck. But I mean, in all honesty, since James, I haven't really put myself out there either. The few times the opportunies might've arised, it just didn't feel right. So I don't pursue anything. You flatter me though. I do believe you're just saying that because you're my best friend, but still, thank you :hugging: I don't know, can you fit my parents in your luggage? Lol other than that, definitely pancakes and just you. Other than my parents, I miss you the most. Ah, tell her I said I miss her, too! Does that mean she'll be coming by or is she getting your stuff shipped over? Yeah, I doubt that as well. Especially when one suitcase is about the size of yourself, I imagine :laughing:

monica hmmmm 1) don't drown yourself with work Mr Brice. And 2) yeah, okay...I am all in for going to a karaoke bar...because who knows? I'm actually searching ideas for mine, as well :wink: thank you, little voice in my ear :heart: but it will be hard from now on to trust anyone. Maybe, I should look out myself first and not put things I want to do on the side. Maybe that's what's the lesson here. i say as i finish the 4th packet of paper tissues :/ I'm sorry about that. I am not the right person to just tell you that you will find your one and only. Maybe I can come and we can grow old.... oh....did I mention that I was thinking of getting a stray cat and taking it to the vet so that we can adopt it and all? black and persian. he who must not be named was allergic so my mom would keep it. Maybe we can bring the cat to the mix and start a thing? I speak only the truth :heart: I can ask them to come more often though? aw I miss you too, so much ;* she misses you because I just told her that you'll be searching for a private investigator in Canada and she's on the same boat as you :stuck_out_tongue: was that a comment about my height? or about how big my suitcases can be?

peter 1) is there any other way to work? You know I can't not drown myself in it. I have nothing better to put my focus, time and attention towards. 2) Perfect. Let's do it then. We can hit a few, even, to give you some inspiration. You are so very welcome. I know. And that's truly understandable. I think focusing on yourself is a great idea, actually. Hey, if we aren't married by 40, I propose we just get married ourselves. Maybe by the time i'm 40 - because i'll it the big 4 0 before you do :grimacing: A cat? That's cute. I've thought about getting a pet myself, actually. I'd love a dog, but I think they require way too much attention than I'm able to give right now. But cats, they take care of themselves. Ah, it's such a long trip, I don't know if they're up for it. I'm hoping to make a trip out there this summer. It's been too long since I've seen them. You better! I'm really happy to have you here. It's not the same when I can't go running to you for advice, to vent to or complain to. I miss you a ton. :laughing:  I have no doubt that we're on the same page here. I'd bet she'd have castrated him if she could've. Hm, both?

monica NOW I am even more excited to see you NOW I am even more excited to see you heeere's to inspiration :champagne_glass::champagne_glass::champagne_glass::champagne_glass: meeeh two years later, I will join big team 4 0. It is as scary as the 3 0 and I believe being 30 is muuuuch more awesome than the 20s yeah...i am thinking of names at the moment . She is super beautiful. I always wished i had a cat like that see we already have a family of our own. You & me, the cat and your future dog :man_dancing::dancer::cat::dog: yah and it is surprising because she actually liked Andrew wrong answer but you're cute so I will let it go honestly here's to the new era that we can vent and talk face2face :smiling_face_with_3_hearts::smiling_face_with_3_hearts::smiling_face_with_3_hearts:

peter You mean you had to have karaoke bars thrown into the mix to be more excited to see me???? :champagne: I will always cheers to that - inspiration is a great thing to have! 30 wasn’t that scary for me, actually. 40 though... next comes 50, so that’s a little :grimacing::grimacing::grimacing: But I do agree about your 30s being more awesome than your 20s. Awh, you’ll have to send me a picture sometime! We’re off to a great start! I want a Great Dane though - thoughts? :thinking: VENT AND TALK FACE TO FACE - that’s going to be so awesome! You’re the only piece missing from NYC for it to be like, perfect to me.

monica Well, you're always a sight in karaoke bars-what can I say?!:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: we'll still have our fun both in 40 and 50, no? The problem here with every age is that society expects you to do certain things as you get older. We just have to outgrow society and be more open. I have been following society's norms and I was feeling happy with myself for finding THE ONE for 10 years and what did it get me? Besides, yeah, okay...Andrew is an asshole...but it's society's fault that he was pressured into marrying me. Feelings-aside, still. Other than that, all there is feelings and doing what you love to do. oh my God-why did I get so philosophical? with another packet of paper tissues finished

monica I'm going to try-I have to go through multiple bureaucracy situations for her, but be sure, you'll get to meet first of them all in New York. Mulan....is a good cat name, right? Great Danes :heart: YES I am aaaaall in aw you are the sweetest-I loooove you :candy:

peter It's so much fun! I don't even have to be drunk to get up there :laughing: I'd like to think so! We always have fun, anyways so there's no doubt in my mind. Yeah... I know, Mon. You aren't wrong. Not at all. BUT he could've handled it all so much better than he did. Maybe he was pressured by society or whatever, but god, he owes you more than an email. He really is an asshole. You really did get pretty philosophical :joy:  but you really aren't wrong. Stop telling me that you're crying when I can't hold you, okay? It hurts my heart. fantastic. I'm looking forward to meeting her! Honestly, it's a great cat name Wow, I wasn't expecting you to give in. Great Dances are like... the size of you. You know I loooove you, too :hugging:

monica yeeees. You need voice lessons and you'll probably have a role in the ensemble in ANY show. You should really consider it. I think you're more focused on the email than I am. And I cannot focus on anything. I hope I still have enough tears, when I meet you, cause I miss crying together over boys xD Thaaaaanks :heart: See-she's gonna be the size of her mom Is it okay if I go for a couple of minutes? Do you have time to Skype later? I promise...I'll try not to cry.

peter Oh, god. I highly doubt that, even with voice lessons. But thank you, the thoughts nice :laughing: It was a shit thing to do, Mon. Such a shit thing to do. I miss having boys to cry over! :joy:  I cannot wait to see you, best friend :hugging: Yes! She is. It'll be so cute. Can you imagine our holiday pictures?? Of course! Yes and yes. I'll be free most of the day, so just text me when you're ready for that Skype call!

monica I hope you'll never have boys to cry over, Pete!! OH MY GOD. The holiday pictures!:heart_eyes: Great. Cannot wait ;*

[stoopsbookstore]

"Nothing I can Do"

Warning - Use of the C word said in moment of anger

"So that's it? 6 months for nothing? For you to say you want to break up and no good reason?" Y/N stood next to Kino's bed, the boy holding his head in his hands as the situation in the room grew more tense.

"I'm sorry, Y/N. It's just between my schooling, the radio station and the guys, I never have time and maybe we could be frie-"

"And we discussed that beforehand. We will text every morning and night, and we'll meet up when we can!" Y/N was exasperated, "and you don't think I have a lot on my plate, too? With fucking 6 classes, my job and an internship at the news station?"

Kino bit into his hand, he knew Y/N was right, "I just feel like we should work on oursel-"

"Save it," Y/N grabbed her bag, running out of the door and almost slamming into Wooseok who had opened the entry.

"Kino? What was that?" Wooseok sat next to his older friend, patting his back as tears flowed out of his eyes.

Kino curled up in the tall boy's lap, sobs coming out, "my biggest mistake."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shinwon and Yan An had to drag Kino out of the radio station's rundown studio they let him use for his music. The trio walked to the cafe, Port Town's Caffeine, opting to sit in a booth.

"You need to eat, Kino, Ms. Hyuna said you locked yourself in there and you've been there since yesterday," Yan An sat next to him as Shinwon ordered the drinks and snacks, "Hui told me he found you asleep at your computer the past 2 weeks, that's not good."

Kino kept quiet as Shinwon handed him his iced coffee and a muffin, picking at the wrapper.

"Is this about that bit-"

"I told you, Shinwon. It was all me. My choice, ny regret, my decision," Kino perked up, his eyes void of all emotion, "she's not anywhere in the wrong for this."

Shinwon sat back, bitter as he noticed Y/N walking in with another boy, "holy fucking shit, that slut."

Yan An and Kino turned around, taking notice at the pair, the boy with his hand on Y/N's hip as he guided her to a chair.

"We're not together, bro. If she wants someone else, that's fine, that's what I wanted her to do."

"We can leave if you'd like," Yan An started picking up the wrappers and empty cups, "we don't have to stay. I know it's still fresh."

Kino shook his head, "guys, I'm fine. I mad-"

"Kino?" The guy with Y/N pulled his mask down, walking over to the group as Y/N kept her eyes down, "what's up, man?"

"Hey Vernon, what's been up with you?" Kino offered a seat next to him as Vernon waved Y/N over, the girl bitterly walking over.

"Oh, I've been good," Kino lied through his teeth as Y/N kept her eyes on the table, fiddling with her fingers while Shinwon glared holes into her head.

"Cool!" Vernon turned to Y/N, "Let me introduce yo-"

"We know who she is," Shinwon barked, crushing his cup, "he used to fuck her in our dorm. How is his sloppy sec-"

"Shinwon!" Kino and Y/N yelled at the tall male, his drink covering the table.

"That's low," Yan An scolded Shinwon, "what he meant to say is they were together. I'm guessing Y/N told you?"

"Yeah. She had mentioned she had a class with a Hyunggyu and they dated for a bit, but I didn't think it was him," Vernon felt the sudden awkward tension, looking between Y/N and Kino, "we can go if you'd like."

"Um, no. It's fine, Kino and you seem like you need to catch up, I'll actually go order food," Y/N stood up before being cut off by Kino.

"Actually, if it's okay with you, Vernon, I'd like to talk to Y/N."

"It's up to her, dude," Vernon helped Yan An clean up the now liquid-free, but still sticky table.

Y/N bit her tongue, nodding, following Kino outside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What the fuck did you tell them?! Why did Shinwon try to attack me like that?!"

"Because it's Shinwon, he's impulsive. And I told him that I broke up with you, he took it as I did it because you hurt me, cheated on me, did something to me."

Kino and Y/N stood in the alley next to the cafe, both of their faces red with annoyance, anger, bitterness, regret.

"Have you told him it was you?! Not me! Did you tell him I cried myself to sleep or that Roa had to basically rip me from my bed to go out?" Y/N's words were like knives in Kino's heart, "I'm not saying this to makr you feel guilty! I'm saying this because Shinwon's accusing me of cheating and all this shit, calling me a slut, but it's been hard for both of us and I'm not going to be talked to like that by someone who eats his entire weight in trashy fast food!"

"I've tried telling him! I've told Hui! I've told Yan An, I've told Yuto. I've told my entire group of friends that it was me! It's not my fault that he wants to be an asshole!"

"Well, birds of a feather flock together! I wonder he got the idea of me being a horrible person from! Calling me a slut?! What the hell?!"

"We've been broken up for 2 weeks and you're already on your knees for some fucking other cunt! You're already in bed with Ver-"

"Who said I'm in bed with him?! We're partners in an acting project together and we figured we would take a fucking break before getting back to the scene! At least I'm not the fucking asshole who broke up with someone and couldn't give them a real fucking answer!"

"I broke up with you because I thought you'd be better without me and with someone else! I felt like I wasn't there enough for you to be happy and I didn't want you to feel trapped out of guilt!"

The venom in both of their words raced through their veins, both of them embarrassed by what they just said. The reality hits them both as the tone in the alley went from angry hatred to heartfelt sincerity.

"I've told him it was all my decision, you had nothing to do with it. He's just annoyed at the aftermath."

"Is that Hui texted me saying he found you sleeping in the radio station's record studio at least 4 times last week?" Y/N walked over to Kino, the space between them closing as the two looked at their feet.

Kino's voice wavered in defeat, "maybe."

"Hyunggyu," his real name a gross taste to both parties, "You need to take care of yourself. You need to eat and drink, make sure you're getting some rest."

"Why do you care? You sounded so angry before," Kino looked up to see Y/N holding back tears.

"Because even though it was a shitty breakup, I'm still going to care for you," Y/N grabbed his hands, "we may not be together, but we can still care for each other."

Kino and Y/N looked at each other, both of their cheeks wet with tears that they didn't even notice until now. Kino took his sleeve of his sweater and wiped at Y/N's years. The two sat in comfortable silence, Y/N making the first move to hug.

"Hey, Kino!" Shinwon was at the beginning of the alley, watching the two like a hawk, "we're needed at the radio station."

Kino broke the hug, Y/N with a soft smile on her face as Kino kissed her cheek.

"We can talk more later," Y/N wiped at the last tears falling.

"I'll facetime you when I'm out. Sounds good?"

"Yea," the pair shared one last hug as Vernon and Yan An showed up, Kino and Y/N walking towards them, "take care of yourself."

"You too. Good luck on your project."

"Good luck on your recording."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Happy Thursday, this is Kino's corner and I'm your host, DJ Kino with my friend, Shinwon," Kino talked into the microphone, a melancholy cloud over his head, looking at the sheet of songs he was suggested to play, "I know it's been a long week, a long day and I don't want to bring anyone down."

Kino stared at Shinwon, the older male nodding in approval as Kino took a breath in.

"I don't want to get too depressing, but I want to talk about break-ups, make-ups and regrets. We all go through them at one point in our lives. Sometimes all at once, two at a time or one right after another. Here's my story about a break-up that I regret and still do, but I've come to terms with it."

Kino started tearing up, the pain in his chest dull as he focused on making sure his voice doesn't crack.

"We were together for a good amount of time, 6 months, you know long enough to fall in love, find each other's quirks and fears, learn about each other. I felt like she could find someone better. I wasn't there for her and if we did see each other, it was only for about 5, 10 minutes top between classes. I broke up with her, giving her the reason we were too busy. I didn't want to tell her that it was because I felt like I wasn't enough, I knew she would feel guilty and I guess I'd rather her hate me than her feel guilty about me not being enough."

Kino watched his phone light up with a notifcation.

"I'll admit, I've been one of those exes who would look at their Instagram, snapchat, line, kakaotalk, Facebook, all that shit. She does look happier and I'm glad for her. Yes, we still talk and see each other out, but I don't think there's any chance of us getting back together."

Kino unlocked his phone, a text from Y/N, her classic snarkiness coming through.

'You know I listen to the radio show, right? :P'

"I know there's certain people listening," Kino chuckled as he queued Shinwon to play a song, "I think there are some people who may need to listen to what I'm about to play. As you know, me, my cohort, Shinwon, as well as our friends Hui and Yan An, have a group, we're called Pentagon, we're recruiting more people, at least... we're trying."

Shinwon laughed as he played the intro, "auditions tomorrow at 2! We have 6 spots open!"

"Thanks, Shinnie. This is a song we just did, I hope you'll like it, it means a lot to me. It's called 'Nothing I Can Do'. I hope you all like it."

[noqueenbutthequeeninthenorth]

hey hey i read your response to an anon about what you thought J's little smile (after S' "pretty" comment) could be in response to, and i definitely agree that he underestimated how hurt she was & where that hurt was coming from (i feel like he's constantly preaching trust but he very rarely reciprocates) (minus the obvious e.g. of him trusting the north to her... the least he could've done) (anywAY). so i'm at a point where i believe S has feelings for J, but not necessarily vice versa (1/3)

(2/3).. like to me, the “pretty” comment was her trying to gauge how he felt about D. had he shrugged it off, i don’t think she would’ve asked if he bent the knee for the north or for love, and would’ve trusted that he only had the former’s interests in mind. and his lack of response to that question + his apparent reluctance to defend D in public seems to me proof that maybe he bent the knee for both? but he knows that to admit to any feelings for D (even if he is also protecting the

(3/3).. North) would mean calling into question every decision or action he makes/has made. what i’m trying to say is i believe Sansa does love Jon, that pol!jon is alive&well but i do think i underestimated how much Jon is enthralled by D/ny (and i use the word enthralled b/c i think a lot of J’s attraction to her, and the reason he was acting weirdly in that episode, is down to that heady feeling of being wanted by someone so ridiculously powerful & being a bit in awe of them etc.)

I get what you’re saying, anon, but I think I disagree. If the showrunners knew they were going to be setting up an unrequited version of Jonsa or a strictly political alliance, then it seems wild that they would’ve written and allowed so many scenes where Jon is so clearly intensely emotionally invested in Sansa. They wouldn’t have had so many scenes where Jon loses control when men threaten Sansa, nor would they have so many where Sansa’s opinion of him very clearly means so much to him. We wouldn’t get the soft eyes, the deep sighs, the close-ups on hand touching, the forehead kiss where his eyes flicker to her lips.

Was Jon less demonstrative with Sansa this episode? For sure. But at this point I think he’s trying to keep a tight rein on his feelings. Even so, he can’t help himself: he keeps turning to Sansa for affirmation, he clearly feels hurt that she doesn’t trust and back him up. He shows up at her room and asks with heartbreak on his face whether she has any faith in him at all. If we hadn’t seen the extreme versions of this in previous seasons, then this might all just be sibling tension but imo it’s a somewhat suppressed continuation of the same tension they’ve been feeling since season 6. 

They used the last two seasons (and perhaps especially season 7) to establish Jon’s feelings. Now we’re seeing Sansa’s come to the fore, and perhaps Sansa herself is only just realizing them.

Moreover, with the reunions between Jon and his other siblings, we can see a real contrast between his relationship with Sansa and these other relationships – not a lessening in intensity, but a different atmosphere. Arya and Jon’s one-on-one is outdoors, well-lit, opens with a joke (”How’d you sneak up on me?”/”How’d you survive a knife in the heart?”), and has the awkwardness of an older brother who still sees the girl before him as the little sister he once knew. There’s still a really passionate hug and strong emotions on their faces, but it doesn’t have any weird undercurrents of intensity. Compare to the one-on-one Jon and Sansa scene is private, indoors, candlelit, and underpinned with a kind of desperation on Jon’s part to have Sansa affirm him. They’re both dressed down and move into each other’s physical space, but avoid touch. They stare deeply into each other’s eyes and discuss romantic love.

(Compare also to Jon and Sansa’s initial reunion, which was raw and physical, and even though they had people around them, it’s as if they have completely forgotten everyone else. They lose themselves in each other. The conversation that comes later only emphasizes the fact that they didn’t really know each other as children, that they are learning each other now for the first time.)

Maybe you disagree that Jon’s in love with Sansa, but to me it explains so much about the past two seasons. It explains Kit Harington’s otherwise utterly bizarre choices. It explains why the show spent time showing us again and again and again how much Jon cares for Sansa, how protective he is, the fact that he preferred to die rather than fail her in the Battle of the Bastards.

But even if Jon’s not in love with Sansa, I remain unconvinced of his genuine attraction to or even enthrallment by D/ny. If that were the case, why haven’t we gotten a single actually romantic or sexy scene between the two of them? I don’t think it’s the heady feeling of being wanted – it’s the fact that he feels like he has to do whatever it takes to keep being wanted. Even hop on a dragon in the middle of a crisis and go on a joyride. Yet notice how he still shuts down any attempt from D/ny to get him to lose himself in her or with her. “We could stay here for a thousand years,” she says. His reply? “We’d be pretty old.” This is such a flop it’s embarrassing. It would’ve been so easy to have him say something like, “I wish we could,” or “Maybe not a thousand years, but I can think of how to fill the next hour.” He could’ve looked awed that she wants to spend a thousand years with him. Instead he makes an awkward face and rejects the romantic moment.

Perhaps realizing his mistake, he flirts with D/ny a little after that and kisses her, but even then, he doesn’t lose himself in her. He never forgets that they’re not alone. He’s distracted by the dragons.

Why? Why do this? Why not show us the two of them completely stupidly infatuated or just passionate even? The closest we get is the sex scene in 7.07 but (as many have noted) it’s so undercut by the intrusion of half a dozen other people into the scene as well as the reminder of Jon and D/ny’s blood relation and rivalry, that it’s clear that they cannot become their own small bubble of passion, even for a moment.

I do think it’s possible Jon has been fooled by D/ny inasmuch as I don’t think he realized until he found out about the Tarlys just how much of a tyrant she is – from his perspective, she’s a spoiled, entitled brat, one who likes to throw out threats, and she’s shown no sign of being a competent ruler, but as far as I know he might be unaware of her actually hurting people in such a clearly tyrannical way. Maybe he didn’t want to know. But now he can’t deny it. And now he’s not just wary of her – he’s frightened.

And his reluctance to answer the question of why he bent the knee is because of his reluctance to let anyone in on his secret, because he’s trying to be a lone wolf and manage D/ny on his own. Whatever answer he gives, he’s screwed. If he says the North, then Sansa knows he doesn’t love D/ny and given Sansa’s refusal to bend to D/ny’s will, maybe he fears that she’ll even tell D/ny or let it slip. If he says for love, then he’s completely broken Sansa’s trust in him. So he doesn’t know what to say.

I could be wrong about all of this. Maybe Jon is a dumbass who’s flattered by a sexy, powerful woman being into him, but this is the Jon who resisted Melisandre, this is the Jon who constantly doubts his own worthiness and honor, this is the Jon who slept with Ygritte only to prove that he was loyal to her, even if he loved her too. If Jon has fallen for D/ny – whether he’s in love with her or just enthralled – then I’m not sure what he’s learned over the past seven seasons. If he has, then he’s still the boy and the not the man, and everything from Ygritte and the wildlings to Stannis and Mance to his murder to the retaking of Winterfell, all taught him nothing.

In that case, his character is irredeemable and I’m not sure why we spent eight seasons or five books caring about him.

Thanks for the ask, anon! Sorry this got so long!

[trauma-13]

Recently, a woman I respect and think very highly of told her story of domestic violence when she was around my age. I've been very quiet about my own struggle with domestic violence from a past relationship. However, I think in light of her own bravery, it's time I tell my own story. Fair warning, long post and domestic violence trigger warning.

It was 2014 when I got into a relationship with my ex. We had met online, like so many relationships do now a days. Everything seemed great, he seemed like a wonderful guy. Treated me well, gave me attention, promised me all the silly things boys always promise.

Looking back, there were red flags from the start that I just never saw at the time. Everything is great through rose colored glasses, you know.

He lived 3ish hours away from where I live. So after about 6ish months into our relationship, he chose to move to the city I lived in. He was supposed to only stay with my roommates and I for a short time until he got his own place. However, he moved in fully after about a month of looking for apartments of his own.

I'm not going to go full into detail about all of the red flags leading up to the blow up. However, I will tell you, there were so many signs of abuse. Emotional and physical that I ignored. He had pushed me on multiple occasions, pinned me against the kitchen counter and yelled in my face, would physically abuse my dogs when I wasn't home, would constantly tell me I wasn't good enough and that I was lucky to have him.

Fast forward to June of 2017, I decided (with the help of two my very, very close friends) that I needed a vacation. I flew to New York and spent about 4 days in upstate with them. While I was there, I received so much love and support from them and other people I had just met. I was also witnessing what a normal, adult, functional relationship was. All while I was in NY, my ex was constantly calling and texting me accusing me of cheating on him. He was making threats towards myself, my two best friends I was with, and other friends of mine as well as my dogs. It was that trip that I decided when I got back to Arizona, I was leaving him. I had even contacted my mom and let her know I needed her help with my dogs, because I knew he would hurt them, in order to hurt me. For the remainder of the trip, I chose to play along and reassure him that I wanted to be with him, in order to protect my dogs while I was in New York. I had my mind made up, I just needed money in order to get away from him.

When I got home he was cold, and dark towards me. He wouldn't talk to me, at all beyond yelling at me and accusing me of cheating. I was terrified to be at home, I was terrified to leave because my dogs would be alone with him. I lived in fear because of him.

Shortly after I got home from NY, my best friend and I went to look at apartments so I had a plan lined up for when I left. My plan was for him to go to work, I would pack up my stuff, and leave him. I didn't see any other way out, without risking my life and my dogs.

The day her and I were looking at apartments, he called me, hysterical, yelling, and threatening again. He had logged into my computer and onto Tumblr and saw messages between another friend and I about my plans to leave him. I've never in my life driven so fast, and dangerously to get home to my dogs and protect them.

When I got home, he was pacing, screaming at me, and holding a knife. He had the dogs harnesses on, and kept telling me to say goodbye to them because it would be the last time I saw them. My best friend was waiting outside, and had called the police and informed them what is going on and that she was afraid he would attack me.

It felt like hours arguing with him, and pleading for him to let me take the dogs and for him to leave. The entire time he was holding the knife and would occasionally stab towards me, although he never made contact. I remember very vividly thinking "okay, if he stabs me, I know what to do. I'm a medical professional and I can save myself," my biggest concern was for my dogs lives, not my own.

After an eternity (or maybe it was just 30 minutes, I don't know) he grabbed my dogs leashes and left through the garage. He had no idea Mesa PD was outside. As soon as he saw PD, he dropped their leashes and lunged at me. Thankfully I was far enough behind him and around the car, he couldn't get to me. Everything after happened in such a blur, I know my best friend grabbed the dogs and put them in her car and that he was then on the ground with tazers and guns aimed at him. He was cuffed, and pinned against the wall by two police officers, while the 3rd officer walked me past him to guarantee my safety. He was yelling the entire time, screaming at me for being a selfish horrible person, that I was making a mistake, and that he would make me regret every thing. I was in hysterics, crying into this poor cop while my best friend got the dogs situated in the car. I don't remember much of my conversation with the officer, except him saying "this is your opportunity to get out, you need to take it,"

I watched them put him in a the squad car, with him yelling at me the entire time, and I was still terrified of him. What if he got out? What if he found me? I chose to stay with my friend because 1. He had no clue where she lived. 2. I knew it was a comfortable place for myself and the dogs until I could get into an apartment.

For months I was terrified, every sudden movement or loud noise around me made me jump and start to panic. I was afraid to go to work because he knew where it was, same with school. I was afraid to go into public places for fear of him being there. Although I had a restraining order against him, that only does so much until police arrive if he was to show up.

A few months after, James came into the picture. We had been friends for years, however that was it. He was one of the first people I confided in over what happened. Still to this day, I've never seen him that angry. He was furious that I had gone through that and had been made to live in fear for so long. He was one of the few people I felt safe around. I made the choice to tell my coworkers what had occurred, that way incase he showed up, I had help. Every night I had an escort to my car by one of the male nurses or techs, if James wasn't working. My tribe of support had continued to grow, and expand, when a few short weeks prior I thought I had no body.

I'm still anxious. I still worry. I still get nervous going into a restaurant, or store that I'll see him. I still have nightmares about him killing my dogs. I've woken up in tears and panic more times than I can count, just to realize he's no where near and that we are safe.

Everything occurred nearly 2 years ago, and I'm still recovering from it. I didn't write this as a sob story, or to get sympathy. I wanted to tell my story, to hopefully help others realize they are not alone. Domestic violence is a very real, and dangerous problem within the United States. So many people are killed prior to being able to leave, or are in fear of leaving because of the unknown of afterwards.

I'm so thankful I was able to get out before something drastic happened to myself or the dogs. I'm so thankful for my amazing tribe of friends and family who stood with me, and had my back when he trashed my name. I'm so thankful for James for showing me what love truly is, and how relationships should be. If anyone who sees this wants to talk about their own experiences or has questions, I am open and willing. Everyone deserves safety, and happiness. Nobody should have to live in fear.

[not-a-statement]

Chasing ghosts. Chapter 3

Sorry friends for overdosing your dashboards with this stuff, but I’m too excited to hold it back anymore. 

This chapter really did kill me while writing. I somehow tried to reflect my own feelings in it as well as to put observation of my friend who has currently lived through a very messy situation.

Anyway, chapter under the cut, critics and suggestions are always appreciated.

Welp, it’s time to go to dead.

New York, NY, October 7-11, 2024

Nights seemed to be the hardest to live through. Not literally - in a physical way - but maybe a little bit in that way too. Just a bit…

Every morning he felt numb. No such things as work, clothes or breakfast were present in his area of interest. And it seemed that those things were long gone for a while then. Only his memories, smells from the past and lingering sensations of light touches that were unlikely to happen again were orbiting him every day from the moment of awakening…

Unlikely to happen again? Light touches? Ding-fucking-Dong, you bloody idiot. Stop thinking of it like you’ve been married for a lifetime and then your wife moved to her gram-gram’s place at the “Fluffy Clouds Acres”...

Yeah, you have other suggestions about how to live on with a giant hole instead of heart?..

He wanted to feel himself a victim. Longed for sympathizers of all kinds queuing up to his bed, big baskets full with fruits in their hands, “Get well soon” cards, soothing phrases on their tongues - that he was every right to feel what he felt, that he deserved her and she made a very big mistake picking that bastard to be her husband…

You know what would be more honest? If somebody brought you some poison instead.

Or at least whiskey…

Would you knock it off already? Where’s your smart part when it comes to distinguishing seeds from chaff? Do you honestly think that all your feelings are of a value? Don’t be ridiculous - your own sister? For real? You actually expected everything to work out?   

Shut up…

It was Monday morning, Dipper had to get prepared to leave for work - he’s finally got a position. Kind of. Same duties, another ton or two plus to his salary - at least it was something, right? At least an excuse not to spend all of his time in this god forsaken flat all day long.

But he was still laying in his sister’s bed, inhaling her scent that somehow managed to stay in the pillow. What a pathetic view it was…

Not as pathetic as his kitchen exterior though. The day prior - as for all other days - there was loads of booze and Dipper was too lazy to bother himself with throwing out the garbage so there was lots of empty bottles laying and standing here and there, empty cigarettes packs, Chinese food boxes - a perfect decorations for a hopeless bachelor’s place.

Sloppily cooked breakfast, coffee as dark as New York’s midnight sky - state’s one. The city itself was living 24 hours so the illumination was enough to make a barrier between nighttime dreamers and traces of light casted by long gone celestial giants billions of human lives away from our sinful rotten asteroid.

Perhaps it was the other way around in New City. Probably the view was breathtaking with all the stars in the sky to count, crispy countryside air to bath in…

Warm and gentle hand of beloved woman to squeeze, cascades of her hazel hair to admire and fiddle with…

Dipper stumbled upon the battalion of empty bottles causing some of them fall clinking resentfully. The sound was enough to make his head ache and cast a grimace of displeasure on his face.

So that’s the plan, huh? Drink until you find a ball of snot instead of your liver?

Pffft...as if

Oh, I get it. Not your problem, right? It’s ten-years-later-Dipper’s problem…

He had to take control over the situation - find a better job, start doing some kind of sport to get fit, maybe find a woman. Anything that will help him get over his misery and make this voice nagging at the back of his mind go…

That’s a great plan - so many details. Hey, why don’t you get a job in NASA? With your ability to make plans like that we will land on Mars twenty years earlier than estimated.

Or at least by then he had a simpler task to tackle - get dressed and step out of this flat to start a new day that’s unlikely to be any different from the day before. Only task he could possibly do without failing.

As for making detailed plans - that’s an important concept, Dipper had to admit. All this abstract thoughts and ideas about new job and sport - they’re important nevertheless. But if one just postulates such things they’re unable to lead anywhere. Dipper as one who used to be the master of bajillion steps checklists for any occasion - to win Wendy’s heart for example - knew for sure that if he wanted to make any progress he needed to think and plan deeper than that.

What Mabel used to tease him about pretty often was a very useful ability. Staying organized, understanding each step and possible alternative breakpoints and handling possible exceptions. For an average person this way of thinking could play good if they keep it in balance with other aspects of their life. But Dipper was no average person.

He was...Dipper. And that meant that balance was off the table.

Good or bad, Dipper and Mabel complemented each other in so many things that one of them wasn’t whole without the other. And that same balance in Dipper’s vigorous activity of his brain was introduced by his sister, with her emphasis on feelings, emotions, and her own particular angle of view.

But when he found himself alone he started to crumble. His brain was acting like a locomotive rushing at maximum speed risking to go off the rail at any moment. Nerves gone acute and at the same time emotions gone blank.

He tried - God knows he did - to live on his own, to give way to his emotions, tried to find that different point of view, based on feelings, yet to no big avail. Every attempt ended at the start point, all theories were in contradiction with one another and ended up crumbled.

The only thing that helped in letting all go was alcohol.

Only having drunk a glass or two of bourbon he used to start looking at all what was happening differently. After half of bottle he used to start feeling.

He was feeling pure pain caused by disappearance of his most beloved person, his second half from his life. Of the girl, who somehow managed to make him falling for her so hard casting thousands of butterflies in his stomach, sending shivers down his spine when she laughed and making him completely numb when she cried. Mabel Pines, that one and only girl in the world for whom he was ready to jump off the cliff on a gigantic robot with nothing but his bare hands, for whom he was ready to endure any level of his own pain just to keep her safe and protect her. He’s never loved anybody as much as he loved her. And never will.

He was feeling anger. What did this smug douchebag know about Mabel? Was it him who lived with her for the whole life? What he can possibly give her? I don’t remember him breaking through Bill’s traps to set her free from that bubble prison. Not to say he wasn’t one who crawled through SWAT squad to clear Stan’s name. Heck, I bet he couldn’t even handle gnomes - probably would shit himself and bail with his tail tucked. And is he ready to cover her with his body in case something threatening her? Is he capable of doing anything that slick faggot from Wall Street?! Who is he to separate us?!

He was feeling fear. Mabel is alone out there. Where will you be when she needs you, huh? You saw what world could have in store twelve years ago. Do you think anything changed? Do you think that Bill won’t return? Or even if he won’t who said that he’s the only one? You’ve been thinking about it for quite a while, haven’t you?

On Tuesday that fear dimmed his eyes to almost unbearable level. What’s the matter? Why your hand with a lighter clenched in it shakes so hard?

Shut up…

On Wednesday he took an illness day off. He was feeling rather bad physically but that wasn’t the matter - he was just really scared to leave his flat. For the whole day he kept wandering within it - from his sister’s bedroom to the kitchen and back - rushing constantly to his computer typing request after request or scribbling some incomprehensible gibberish in his journal - the same that Mabel gave him as a birthday present. Yet another bottle was opened not long after lunch time, because he couldn’t bear that day staying sober.

The next day - on Thursday - in the early morning he woke up at pretty much the same spot he ended falling the night prior - behind the sofa in the living room. His face felt swelling, knees and elbows were harshly scratched at various places - perhaps he would find some furniture items at same poor condition. His journal was lying on the sofa, its first dozen pages or so covered with all kind of theory snippets or logical fact chains - anything he could come up with in order to keep his brain working consistently and not having it exploded. Some of his notes made no sense at all, others reeked with insanity. He had to keep working, had to grasp that tiny bits of his mind floating on the surface of the blindingly dark ocean consisting of repelling visions, predator’s muzzles and never ending sound of some woman crying.

Also there was one more thing swirling through that ocean - a phrase carelessly spoken by Zach on Saturday.

On Friday night the week before Mabel was bombarding her brother’s phone with invitations for him to come over to Turner’s and have a dinner together. He missed her beloved brother and probably was acknowledging the fact that in such conditions a modest family dinner was the only option for them to spend some quality time together instead of nights full of movie marathons and pizza. It’s what people do, don’t they? When they become adults…

But if Mabel was feeling a bit melancholic because of that blunt bogus of an activity, it came to no comparison with what Dipper might’ve felt that exact second he appeared at Zach’s door. He either would leave within an hour tops or get drunk as swine. So it was better not to come at all to prevent such bad consequences.

But having to turn his sister down over a phone for yet another time wasn’t any less painful. Hearing her voice changing from cheerful one to upset, because of whatever excuse he could come up with - working late, having an extra task, needing to stay up until late night home because of an important article he had to finish. Or hearing her playful teasings about him having a secret date with ladies and reminders to leave a tie on the knob which would make him laugh uncontrollably adding more more pain. He couldn’t stand it. That’s why he decided to take a decisive action.

He turned off his cell phone. And spent a long time sitting on a bench near to Brooklyn bridge with a bottle of whiskey in a paper bag, staring at his device’s black lifless screen as if trying to soak its void up.

Void and darkness. What are they? The absence of life, light, benignancy. Absence of everything - only vast and pure nothingness. Why can’t I adapt it? To feel nothing, to throw this piece of plastic into the river, to come home today, grab my bag and jump on the first flight to Oregon. Cut all ties with Mabel, simply disappear from her horizon. Wouldn’t that be better?

It sure would’ve been easier.

But the only response the phone’s screen could give the reflection of the autumn afternoon sky with glimpses of upcoming dusk rather than comply with Dipper’s inner desires. So only thing he was left with was whiskey again.

Its taste was already a rock solid number one in his rating of favorite tastes. In mixture with tobacco smoke. Nevertheless that blend taken in serious doses were casting an instant portal to the morning after.

And what it had in store were regrets and sorrowful thoughts about what he’d done and what a jackass of a brother he was. So the phone was turned on, Mabel’s number typed his thumb hovering over the green button was given an order to hold it back no more.

There was a beep. And then another. And another.

After 6 beeps Dipper started having second thoughts about how 9 pm on Saturday might’ve been not the best time for late apologies but then his phone slightly buzzed and he heard someone’s deep morning breathing on the other end.

“Hi, Mabes, I...um...” he started timidly trying to soften his hoarse hang over voice “About yesterday...I’m really sorry I couldn’t call you back...my battery died and I had to stay late so I walked home and hit the hay the moment I entered...”

He let out a clumsy chuckle scratching the back of his head.  

Telling lies, are we?

Shut up.

“So...yeah...I’m sorry I couldn’t make it yesterday to your place...um...maybe will try the next Friday? Mabes?”

He heard a male voice giggling through the receiver that sent cold wave to his abdomen.

“Oh, sorry, man. Didn’t want to interrupt your monologue.”

Zach. That bastard…

“Oh...hey, Zach...” he wasn’t ready to stumble upon Zach in such condition. “Um...would you mind passing phone to Mabel?”

“I wish, bro, i wish” Dipper clenched his fist hard enough to make his knuckles go white “But Mrs. Turner is still watching whatever bright and pleasant dream she’s watching”

Was that scoffing? Mrs Turner? As if he won her and now showing it off. Fuck, as if he thinks he took my wife…

Wouldn’t be much of a fallacy, huh?

I told you to shut up.

He needed to somehow play it cool. Put aside his own twisted feelings and think of what’s better for Mabel - if she found out about his hostility towards her husband and linked it with his constant denials to come for dinner that would be really bad.

“Okay, ahem...” he cleared his throat before continuing “Can you maybe ask her to call me back when she’s awake then?”

“No problem at all. But, you know, I can tell her myself...”

“No no no, better if I tell her what I wanted to tell, thanks. Um...okay, b..”

“Oh, how things are going on your side, Mason? Haven’t heard from you for ages.”

Oh, son of a...why by name?

“Good, good. Yeah, so...”

“Heard you’ve got promoted. Got a position?”

“Well...um...not exactly, but...I’m working on it. Yeah, sorry for early ca...”

“And how’s the money? Do they pay you enough?”

Oh you impudent chuffed fuck.

Tell him.

“Enough for me, thanks. Well, okay I...”

“Look, we have a vacant position at stock exchange. Consultants are paid good and respected, so I thought maybe...”

“I’m not keen on idea of selling people something I don’t personally believe in, thank you.”

Shit, that was bad. Didn’t mean to sound so harshly.

He started it.

Shut up.

He heard Zach laughing on the other end. Damn, even insults are not working for him. He’s got his walls built solid.

“Why so determined? Believe me, after first salary when you start buying yourself some big men toys like cars you won’t say such immature things.”

Yeah, yeah. Teach me how to live my life, bitch.

“Well, if I were you I would think about it, Mason. I’d take it as an honor to help my family member.”

“Yeah, okay, cool. Um...” Come on, say something polite to end this “Have a nice day, Zach.”

“No it is? Okay, whatever you say. You’re a good man but you’re sometimes being silly, Pinetree.”

Dipper’s heart skipped a beat and he felt thunderstruck. All his muscles tightened. Given he was slouching, it seemed that his body’s fulcrum had shifted slightly above the rib cage.

“What did you call me?” asked Dipper his voice hardly above whispering.

“What? Old mocking nickname? Sorry, didn’t mean to...”

“What. Did. You. Call. Me?” repeated Dipper louder.

“Oh, c’mon, man. I’m sorry, for real, I...”

Can it be?..

I can’t see why not

No, that’s impossible. No, no..

Well, he told you she was sleeping, but do you trust him?

Mabel…

“Where is she?”

“Who? Mabel? Man, I told you she is leisuring...”

“Pass her the phone”

“Look, she’s really not ready to talk to anybody right now, you how she is. Man, like for real - I’m sorry if that upsets you, it wasn’t my inten...”

“Shut the fuck up, Zach!!!” Dipper growled, he could feel himself drowning in unimaginable paralyzing horor. “Where is my sister?!”

“Hey! Watch the language, pal!”

“Where is my sister?!”

“Piss off!”

“Where is Mabel?!!” Dipper broke into shouting. His breathing was heavy and ragged, he could feel his blood rushing to his head almost setting tips of his ears on fire. His face also grew unbearably hot.

“You know the address, you mental piece of human garbage!!! Come over and see where it leads you!!!”

His mind was rushing billion miles per hour. The boiler in his locomotive of a brain was about to blow up. Blood was pounding in his ears, he could literally feel his blood vessels filling up with pure adrenaline, he tasted metal in his mouth and there was something more with that taste. It was...was it?..

Wait, what does sulfur taste like?

He wasn’t listening to Zach’s shoutings on the other end of line anymore. He was paralyzed by that unaccountable fear. He couldn’t say anything, he couldn’t move - every tiny little cell of his body wasn’t answering his commands. It was a trap, he knew that. A blurred burning trap with spurts of flame dancing before him, licking his calves sending anguishing sensations to his muscles and to his brain. There were lizard’s eyes with narrow pupils everywhere, he couldn’t see them, but he was feeling watched by them. He could feel their glares cutting him like it was a straight razor, he could feel cold fingers digging through his head, twining around his eyeballs. And there was a voice - a woman was shouting his name. It was familiar but nontheless it was demanding razor to push deeper and deeper! Cutting him in two, then in four, then…

Deeper!

Deeper!

“DIPPER!!!”

In a heartbeat he was back into Mabel’s room in their Brooklyn flat; her was dragged him out of that horrifying vision. He was kneeling before the bed, clenching bedcover with his right hand and his cellphone with his left. He was breathing through gritted teeth loudly and heavily.

What was real out of all that?..

The only thing - her voice. A concerned voice of Mabel still calling his name, in which he could hear that she was on the verge of breaking into tears. She was scared - perhaps he and Zach woke her up with their banter and scared her a lot. And his heavy breathing distorted by the transmitter apparently wasn’t helping at all.

Keep it together, Pines, keep it together! Shake off this nightmare and tell her that you’re safe, that you’re fine.

Are you, though?

Yes! I’m fine, I’m totally fine!

But what about B…

He’s dead!!! He’s long gone!!! Mabel’s safe, she’s not dragged away from me into another dimension! She’s here, she’s actually relatively close.

I need to catch my breath. Okay, one in and one out...here we go…

“Dipper, please! Say something! Say something to me!” he could practically see the first teardrop rolling down her tender rosy cheek. “Dipper, I’m begging you!”

“Mabes, I...” at least the voice is...yep, it’s mine “I...my battery...it died so I had to walk home and...”

“Bro-bro, what are talking about?”

“I was staying late...so s’why I couldn’t...couldn’t come to dinner...yeah...I’m sorry. I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“Please tell me you’re okay, Dipper. Please tell me that.”

“Yeah, I am...Totally, Mabes, totally...”

“Are you sure?”

He gulped nervously listening to his unsteady breathing.

Telling lies again? Way to g…

“Yes, Mabel, everything’s well I swear” he tried to sound as calm as he could “I...s-sorry for waking you up.”

And he ended the call.

Splendid, my man.

Is that so hard to do? I said shut the fuck up. I need a drink.

***

On Friday he finally made it to work. Dressed in a black hoodie covered in stains of various food and sauces, worn out unwashed trousers of same color he was kind of a ghost to everyone else in the editorial office - no one would bother themselves waving him hello or even noticing him. He was sitting at his small desk in the open space surrounded by stacks of papers and office supplies. Obviously he forgot to take his laptop with him as well as his wallet. For some reason only valuable thing he had then was the most inappropriate one - his driver’s license, which was laying on the desk with his cellphone with already cracked screen.

Time was approaching lunch but food wasn’t even in top ten of his priorities. Frankly he could hardly remember when was the last time he actually consumed something apart from alcohol and cigarettes. Was it that morning? Or the morning before? And does a peanut butter and jelly toast count as food?

All that was in the background of his mind at that moment. The main screen of his mind was displaying various footage soaked with anxiety; each minute a bunch of viewers were collectively advising the main character on the white screen to take right turn or left or to head straight. And footages were constantly changing.

For the first time fear and pain started blending. Only one component was left…

“Pines!” a familiar voice called out for him. At least someone noticed his presence.

Paul Hempstead - the chief editor of essays department - was slowly approaching his desk, scanning through a stack of papers in his hands slowly.

“Good to see you again. Caught a bad cold?” he switched his attention from papers to his employee.

“My god” he gasped “What happened to your face?”

“I fell” Dipper said with colorless voice not even raising his eyes to look at editor.

“Right, you fell” as if taking a hint responded Paul “Okay, I won’t ask. I have a job for you. Are you going to lunch? I’ll explain while eating.”

“No, I’m not going” Dipper’s voice still wasn’t displaying any emotions.

Looking bewildered Paul stared at him as if thinking of whether or not he’s likely to ask any other questions about reasons. Dipper stayed motionless looking right before him into the void.

“Yeah, you’re right. Better right here” the editor fished a paper out of stack in his hands and laid it before Dipper. “A letter from a concerned mother. Her son’s getting oppressed by his scholl mates - he’s part of a certain subculture so his mother wants us to make it sound to the society. The letter is for gist, I wanted you to go there and find all the details. I assigned a photographer to them - he will be going on Monday. Your task is for today so we have our fresh essay on Tuesday. It’s in Huntington - you’ll be done in 3 or 4 hours.”

“Okay” followed a similarly lifeless answer.

Hempstead was expecting for something more verbose.

“Ho-o-ka-y” he slowly echoed stretching syllables “There are bus routes but car is easier. Works for you?”

He waved his hand at Dipper’s driving license.

“I don’t have a car”

“Oh. That’s wise, probably - such a big busy city...You can take a shared car. There’re lots of them on every corner. What do you say? Besides that way you’ll clear your evening.”

“I forgot my wallet home.”

Paul started losing hope.

“That’s a misfortune...Look, you can go to accountants and ask them for a prepayment. In fact...” He fished his wallet out of his trousers pocket and laid three 100 dollars bills before Dipper “Here, you’ll return on a payday. Just take your time to prepare, you know - go home, take a nap, change and all...”

Dipper lowered his eyes to look at the money and nodded slightly.

“Thank you Mr Hempstead” and added after second or two: “Can I go now?”

“For sure, Pines, for sure. Just don’t forget - deadline’s on Tuesday”

Not waiting for a response Paul rushed further down the aisle.

Dipper gave that money a look one more time, then grabbed it and his belongings from his desk and headed for exit.

When he was already at the door his phone buzzed. Even not looking at the screen he was already imagining her cute face, how she bit down her bottom lip waiting for him answer and twisting on of her locks.

This time he decided not to make the same mistake twice. He took his phone out of pocket, cleared his throat and tapped the green button.

***

He was standing naked and wet after taking a shower before the mirror in his bathroom examining his reflection. His cheeks started sinking, right cheekbone was bruised after he met wooden floor with it. He stopped caring about his hair long ago, there were scattered spots of messy stubble here and there. His shoulders were hunched even more than he remembered.

For the past two months Dipper got used to an idea that he wouldn’t see anything good in his reflection but every time it was really important to him to examine his appearance carefully. He still harboured some hope that eventually an alarm in his brain would break out he would start working on at least the simplest plan for recovery.

Not to say it wasn’t happening any time.

He was still feeling saturated after eating some fried eggs with bacon as soon as he came home from work. Even 6 hours of sleep he plunged into as soon as he laid down didn’t manage to drain that feeling but regained his somewhat mental and physical forces a bit.

He’s already failed Paul’s task, cause it was 9 in the evening and there’s no point to drive anywhere. That meant that he was in need to find some distraction to prevent his mind from once again spiralling down into anxiety and crimson blur.

Maybe I can use some fresh air. Like go to Central Park or cinema - anything but once again play ghost at the river’s embankment.

A vision appeared before his eyes - that one, that refused to go away for almost two months then. He was with her, hand in hand slowly moving across the park paths, he gently squeezes her hand, then lets it go only to hug her shoulders with it, she smiles, lays her head on his shoulder, their steps become slower, more relaxed…

Dipper downed a full glass of whiskey. The amber liquid started warming his chest, his stomach. It was such a false warmth that if he closed his eyes he could feel it as a light breeze, stuck between tree trunks in the heart of the park. He could feel it as her warm and gentle hands caressing his chest, so tiny and tender compared to sizes of her sweater…

Not exactly registering he downed another glass.

This is insane. You are! You can take her back, you can’t explain her anything! You can’t give her anything but your warmth!

Wouldn’t that be enough? Is there anybody who can give it to her?

No. NO!

No one can do that! No one will protect her but me!

Another glass downed.

Only I know her that much! Only I saw what this unfair world full of violences can do to her!

Another glass.

I fought demon for her! And I won! I saved my Mabel! My sweet, lovely Mabel.

Another.

What if he lives?

Impossible. He perished.

Yeah, but what if he survived?

He started drinking straight from the bottle.

What’s the matter? Are you scared? Oh, you should be. What were you thinking - you’ve jumped from that cliff once and that’s it? So you can sit around, having your time?

Shut up…

He knew there’s a car outside. And he’s got the keys. Also he knows what lies in his bottom drawer covered with kitchen blankets.

No, you shut up and listen. You abandoned her. Left her so that clown now can do whatever he wants. Do you know who he is? Have you spent a spare second studying what kind of man he is?

Shut up.

He tried to walk steadily and failed. A brass knuckles in his right pocket - a gift from Gruncle Stan - and bottle of whiskey in left hand weren’t helping in balancing at all. He got into a shared vehicle. If only he could start the engine…

Bravo! Just perfect, my boy! Guess what - you’ve got fooled! How hilarious is that?

Shut up.

He turned the engine but the impulse died instantly.

Our Big Master Dipper - a threat to all monsters and demons…

Shut up!

Another turn. And one more...Come on!

…a famous mysteries solver got fooled by some pathetic equilateral one-eyed…

SHUT UP!!!

PINETREE!!!

The engine roared coming to life. Dipper accelerated steering the car to the north-west away from the city - to a small countryside place in suburbs called New City.

[thedivinefish]

TGIWednesday and here's to new beginnings!

TGIWednesday News

And many happy returns to you and yours.  This year has GOT to get better, at least that’s the direction I’ll be praying/fishing towards for sure.  So many folks around the New Year make resolutions they’ll never keep.  What are yours?  I would encourage you to make them doable/reasonable goals so your success is more achievable and you don't set yourself up for disappointment.  Like I plan on starting that new diet/exercise routine and getting in better shape. Sometimes saying, "I am going to lose 50 pounds by February 1st" can be daunting/unrealistic and just drop us into despair.  Instead create softer goals like, "I am going to get back into a work out routine."  "I plan on making every effort to eat cleaner, be nicer to others and allow more good fortune to find me!"  You get the idea.  Here’s to a better year of making best efforts to move every aspect of your life forward with grace and ease and we’ll be here to help/contribute to you and yours in every way that we can.

Also, here's a preview of the topic for the upcoming January Live Zoom Event scheduled for Wednesday the 27th. Theme:  Clearing the Way for New Beginnings

Starting fresh new job? Have a new business idea? Moved to a new location? Beginning or searching for a new relationship or ending a relationship? Starting a new diet or exercise routine to improve your health? Entering into a new financial endeavor? What are you struggling with? Is something blocking you? What happened last time that you want to clear the past energy of? What switches do you want to strengthen and turn on/off related to new beginnings? The registration link will be available in the coming weeks, stay tuned!

TGIWednesday Download

~ NEW BEGINNINGS ~ Today I believe, think, know and feel that as long as I am alive I can and will undertake new efforts and beginnings.  I know when, where, how and why to release procrastination and lean forward into production. I am ready, willing and able to make progress daily and see my life expanding and improving in all directions of positive outcomes. I am saying this in all languages and throughout all time lines and so it is.  

From the Fish Box

"Dear Mr. Mack, I've been on this spiritual journey for a year now which started with your methods. Spirit has been teaching me all kinds of things. Started off using a pendulum but no longer need it to communicate. I'm able to talk directly having conversations. Most are yes/no type conversations.  If I doubt myself or my energy is off I use the push/pull method. They have taught me how to recognize different types of spirits. How to help cross over souls. Even how to communicate with them on the other side. All this while I'm a firm believer in the Bible. I've shared with others in my church about my lifelong food allergies being gone and how you helped me but most just seem to not get it. Because of the pushback from what I would call a real miracle. I don't dare talk with anyone in the church about everything else. Mr. Mack, there has been so much change in my life since I decided to try your download healing sessions a year ago that it's too much to list. Like all my mistakes, insights and even a few visions. Talking with angels, spirit guides and lost souls. Outer body experiences, lots of dreams and even learning about my past lives. I've heard disembodied voices, seen shadows and even little lights. I just wanted to write this to tell you how God has used you in my life. The peace & strength in faith this has brought me has been so wonderful. Keep the faith and keep healing!" - J.B.

 Tampa Office Sessions

FRIDAY KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS 

Friday sessions are back to being phone-only for folks that I usually see at Kodawari until further notice. You can book time with me in the shop and schedule online.   3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa ☎️ (813) 999-1874 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

Fish Food 

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack JANUARY 6th "No" is a one-word sentence and today I will be able to say "no" without recourse, regret or explanation. We may not always pronounce words perfectly. It is the feelings and emotions that the words convey that allow us to communicate our deepest thoughts, needs and desires."

Live Radio Show Appearances

2021 UPDATE THE JIMMY MACK HEALING SHOW GOING FORWARD I put in 5 years hosting weekly shows on Blog Talk and nearly another 5 years into my current show and Spirit came to me during a 3AM ending of My Daily Prayer services and whispered...“Enough.” So while we will not return to our weekly show in 2021, we will of course be guest or co-hosting on a variety of other shows on occasion.  So stay tuned to this section of TGIW as variety show line ups where I am a guest on other shows will be posted! 

Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

Nightly prayers include COVID-19. Each night we work on scrambling the frequency for everyone on the prayer list. Your name will be added to a special VIP Prayer list where Jimmy will use his intelligent computer software, src4you which runs 24/7, to delete the negative and increase the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of favorable outcomes for you.  

In addition, throughout the full 30-days, Jimmy will be dialing into your energetic signature each day upon rising and make certain that you are a clear yes, unclear to no and running forward before you start your day. He is doing the heavy lifting for you around 3am NY time while most of you are asleep in order to smooth out your way and increase your most favorable life outcomes.

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively  and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Upon written email request, for each new order we offer a one-time email analysis via the intelligent healing software that Jimmy uses on your behalf.  Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers. *NOTE if the MDP Service was purchased via a special telesummit or radio show offer, prayers will be limited to BUYER ONLY - and will not include family members or pets.

You can run this monthly and stop at any time after the 30 days is up, you will have the opportunity to renew and update your list each month but are under no obligation. I believe you will experience magical transformations and make progress every day! 

Sign Up for 30-Days - $99

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

​For those who aren't familiar,​ below is ​a​ list of the​ 30+​ audio​s in the MyBeliefWorks series.... Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with your immediate friends and family.

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe Bountiful Harvest Creatives Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives Financial Windfall The Gold Coin Healing Body Disorders Healing Mental Stress

Holiday Stress Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Improving Sex Improving Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss Youth & Vitality  

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

TGIFunny

Forward

Pinterest

Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session ​​​ Transformational Healing of Body, Mind​ & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations!​ ​ Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit (*Updated May 2019) Audio MP3 Downloads​ and books​ to improve your life! Get Certified in ​My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for ​Supplements ​ http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2021 All Rights Reserved  

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com  

Stay connected!

  Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

[divinefishingtips]

TGIWednesday and here's to new beginnings!

TGIWednesday News

And many happy returns to you and yours.  This year has GOT to get better, at least that’s the direction I’ll be praying/fishing towards for sure.  So many folks around the New Year make resolutions they’ll never keep.  What are yours?  I would encourage you to make them doable/reasonable goals so your success is more achievable and you don't set yourself up for disappointment.  Like I plan on starting that new diet/exercise routine and getting in better shape. Sometimes saying, "I am going to lose 50 pounds by February 1st" can be daunting/unrealistic and just drop us into despair.  Instead create softer goals like, "I am going to get back into a work out routine."  "I plan on making every effort to eat cleaner, be nicer to others and allow more good fortune to find me!"  You get the idea.  Here’s to a better year of making best efforts to move every aspect of your life forward with grace and ease and we’ll be here to help/contribute to you and yours in every way that we can.

Also, here's a preview of the topic for the upcoming January Live Zoom Event scheduled for Wednesday the 27th. Theme:  Clearing the Way for New Beginnings

Starting fresh new job? Have a new business idea? Moved to a new location? Beginning or searching for a new relationship or ending a relationship? Starting a new diet or exercise routine to improve your health? Entering into a new financial endeavor? What are you struggling with? Is something blocking you? What happened last time that you want to clear the past energy of? What switches do you want to strengthen and turn on/off related to new beginnings? The registration link will be available in the coming weeks, stay tuned!

TGIWednesday Download

~ NEW BEGINNINGS ~ Today I believe, think, know and feel that as long as I am alive I can and will undertake new efforts and beginnings.  I know when, where, how and why to release procrastination and lean forward into production. I am ready, willing and able to make progress daily and see my life expanding and improving in all directions of positive outcomes. I am saying this in all languages and throughout all time lines and so it is.  

From the Fish Box

"Dear Mr. Mack, I've been on this spiritual journey for a year now which started with your methods. Spirit has been teaching me all kinds of things. Started off using a pendulum but no longer need it to communicate. I'm able to talk directly having conversations. Most are yes/no type conversations.  If I doubt myself or my energy is off I use the push/pull method. They have taught me how to recognize different types of spirits. How to help cross over souls. Even how to communicate with them on the other side. All this while I'm a firm believer in the Bible. I've shared with others in my church about my lifelong food allergies being gone and how you helped me but most just seem to not get it. Because of the pushback from what I would call a real miracle. I don't dare talk with anyone in the church about everything else. Mr. Mack, there has been so much change in my life since I decided to try your download healing sessions a year ago that it's too much to list. Like all my mistakes, insights and even a few visions. Talking with angels, spirit guides and lost souls. Outer body experiences, lots of dreams and even learning about my past lives. I've heard disembodied voices, seen shadows and even little lights. I just wanted to write this to tell you how God has used you in my life. The peace & strength in faith this has brought me has been so wonderful. Keep the faith and keep healing!" - J.B.

 Tampa Office Sessions

FRIDAY KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS 

Friday sessions are back to being phone-only for folks that I usually see at Kodawari until further notice. You can book time with me in the shop and schedule online.   3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa ☎️ (813) 999-1874 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

Fish Food 

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack JANUARY 6th "No" is a one-word sentence and today I will be able to say "no" without recourse, regret or explanation. We may not always pronounce words perfectly. It is the feelings and emotions that the words convey that allow us to communicate our deepest thoughts, needs and desires."

Live Radio Show Appearances

2021 UPDATE THE JIMMY MACK HEALING SHOW GOING FORWARD I put in 5 years hosting weekly shows on Blog Talk and nearly another 5 years into my current show and Spirit came to me during a 3AM ending of My Daily Prayer services and whispered...“Enough.” So while we will not return to our weekly show in 2021, we will of course be guest or co-hosting on a variety of other shows on occasion.  So stay tuned to this section of TGIW as variety show line ups where I am a guest on other shows will be posted! 

Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

Nightly prayers include COVID-19. Each night we work on scrambling the frequency for everyone on the prayer list. Your name will be added to a special VIP Prayer list where Jimmy will use his intelligent computer software, src4you which runs 24/7, to delete the negative and increase the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of favorable outcomes for you.  

In addition, throughout the full 30-days, Jimmy will be dialing into your energetic signature each day upon rising and make certain that you are a clear yes, unclear to no and running forward before you start your day. He is doing the heavy lifting for you around 3am NY time while most of you are asleep in order to smooth out your way and increase your most favorable life outcomes.

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively  and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Upon written email request, for each new order we offer a one-time email analysis via the intelligent healing software that Jimmy uses on your behalf.  Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers. *NOTE if the MDP Service was purchased via a special telesummit or radio show offer, prayers will be limited to BUYER ONLY - and will not include family members or pets.

You can run this monthly and stop at any time after the 30 days is up, you will have the opportunity to renew and update your list each month but are under no obligation. I believe you will experience magical transformations and make progress every day! 

Sign Up for 30-Days - $99

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

​For those who aren't familiar,​ below is ​a​ list of the​ 30+​ audio​s in the MyBeliefWorks series.... Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with your immediate friends and family.

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe Bountiful Harvest Creatives Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives Financial Windfall The Gold Coin Healing Body Disorders Healing Mental Stress

Holiday Stress Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Improving Sex Improving Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss Youth & Vitality  

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

TGIFunny

Forward

Pinterest

Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session ​​​ Transformational Healing of Body, Mind​ & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations!​ ​ Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit (*Updated May 2019) Audio MP3 Downloads​ and books​ to improve your life! Get Certified in ​My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for ​Supplements ​ http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2021 All Rights Reserved  

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com  

Stay connected!

  Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

[365dailyaffirmations]

TGIWednesday and here's to new beginnings!

TGIWednesday News

And many happy returns to you and yours.  This year has GOT to get better, at least that’s the direction I’ll be praying/fishing towards for sure.  So many folks around the New Year make resolutions they’ll never keep.  What are yours?  I would encourage you to make them doable/reasonable goals so your success is more achievable and you don't set yourself up for disappointment.  Like I plan on starting that new diet/exercise routine and getting in better shape. Sometimes saying, "I am going to lose 50 pounds by February 1st" can be daunting/unrealistic and just drop us into despair.  Instead create softer goals like, "I am going to get back into a work out routine."  "I plan on making every effort to eat cleaner, be nicer to others and allow more good fortune to find me!"  You get the idea.  Here’s to a better year of making best efforts to move every aspect of your life forward with grace and ease and we’ll be here to help/contribute to you and yours in every way that we can.

Also, here's a preview of the topic for the upcoming January Live Zoom Event scheduled for Wednesday the 27th. Theme:  Clearing the Way for New Beginnings

Starting fresh new job? Have a new business idea? Moved to a new location? Beginning or searching for a new relationship or ending a relationship? Starting a new diet or exercise routine to improve your health? Entering into a new financial endeavor? What are you struggling with? Is something blocking you? What happened last time that you want to clear the past energy of? What switches do you want to strengthen and turn on/off related to new beginnings? The registration link will be available in the coming weeks, stay tuned!

TGIWednesday Download

~ NEW BEGINNINGS ~ Today I believe, think, know and feel that as long as I am alive I can and will undertake new efforts and beginnings.  I know when, where, how and why to release procrastination and lean forward into production. I am ready, willing and able to make progress daily and see my life expanding and improving in all directions of positive outcomes. I am saying this in all languages and throughout all time lines and so it is.  

From the Fish Box

"Dear Mr. Mack, I've been on this spiritual journey for a year now which started with your methods. Spirit has been teaching me all kinds of things. Started off using a pendulum but no longer need it to communicate. I'm able to talk directly having conversations. Most are yes/no type conversations.  If I doubt myself or my energy is off I use the push/pull method. They have taught me how to recognize different types of spirits. How to help cross over souls. Even how to communicate with them on the other side. All this while I'm a firm believer in the Bible. I've shared with others in my church about my lifelong food allergies being gone and how you helped me but most just seem to not get it. Because of the pushback from what I would call a real miracle. I don't dare talk with anyone in the church about everything else. Mr. Mack, there has been so much change in my life since I decided to try your download healing sessions a year ago that it's too much to list. Like all my mistakes, insights and even a few visions. Talking with angels, spirit guides and lost souls. Outer body experiences, lots of dreams and even learning about my past lives. I've heard disembodied voices, seen shadows and even little lights. I just wanted to write this to tell you how God has used you in my life. The peace & strength in faith this has brought me has been so wonderful. Keep the faith and keep healing!" - J.B.

 Tampa Office Sessions

FRIDAY KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS 

Friday sessions are back to being phone-only for folks that I usually see at Kodawari until further notice. You can book time with me in the shop and schedule online.   3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa ☎️ (813) 999-1874 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

Fish Food 

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack JANUARY 6th "No" is a one-word sentence and today I will be able to say "no" without recourse, regret or explanation. We may not always pronounce words perfectly. It is the feelings and emotions that the words convey that allow us to communicate our deepest thoughts, needs and desires."

Live Radio Show Appearances

2021 UPDATE THE JIMMY MACK HEALING SHOW GOING FORWARD I put in 5 years hosting weekly shows on Blog Talk and nearly another 5 years into my current show and Spirit came to me during a 3AM ending of My Daily Prayer services and whispered...“Enough.” So while we will not return to our weekly show in 2021, we will of course be guest or co-hosting on a variety of other shows on occasion.  So stay tuned to this section of TGIW as variety show line ups where I am a guest on other shows will be posted! 

Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

Nightly prayers include COVID-19. Each night we work on scrambling the frequency for everyone on the prayer list. Your name will be added to a special VIP Prayer list where Jimmy will use his intelligent computer software, src4you which runs 24/7, to delete the negative and increase the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of favorable outcomes for you.  

In addition, throughout the full 30-days, Jimmy will be dialing into your energetic signature each day upon rising and make certain that you are a clear yes, unclear to no and running forward before you start your day. He is doing the heavy lifting for you around 3am NY time while most of you are asleep in order to smooth out your way and increase your most favorable life outcomes.

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively  and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Upon written email request, for each new order we offer a one-time email analysis via the intelligent healing software that Jimmy uses on your behalf.  Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers. *NOTE if the MDP Service was purchased via a special telesummit or radio show offer, prayers will be limited to BUYER ONLY - and will not include family members or pets.

You can run this monthly and stop at any time after the 30 days is up, you will have the opportunity to renew and update your list each month but are under no obligation. I believe you will experience magical transformations and make progress every day! 

Sign Up for 30-Days - $99

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

​For those who aren't familiar,​ below is ​a​ list of the​ 30+​ audio​s in the MyBeliefWorks series.... Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with your immediate friends and family.

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe Bountiful Harvest Creatives Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives Financial Windfall The Gold Coin Healing Body Disorders Healing Mental Stress

Holiday Stress Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Improving Sex Improving Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss Youth & Vitality  

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

TGIFunny

Forward

Pinterest

Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session ​​​ Transformational Healing of Body, Mind​ & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations!​ ​ Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit (*Updated May 2019) Audio MP3 Downloads​ and books​ to improve your life! Get Certified in ​My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for ​Supplements ​ http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2021 All Rights Reserved  

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com  

Stay connected!

  Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

[advancedthetapractitioner]

TGIWednesday and here's to new beginnings!

TGIWednesday News

And many happy returns to you and yours.  This year has GOT to get better, at least that’s the direction I’ll be praying/fishing towards for sure.  So many folks around the New Year make resolutions they’ll never keep.  What are yours?  I would encourage you to make them doable/reasonable goals so your success is more achievable and you don't set yourself up for disappointment.  Like I plan on starting that new diet/exercise routine and getting in better shape. Sometimes saying, "I am going to lose 50 pounds by February 1st" can be daunting/unrealistic and just drop us into despair.  Instead create softer goals like, "I am going to get back into a work out routine."  "I plan on making every effort to eat cleaner, be nicer to others and allow more good fortune to find me!"  You get the idea.  Here’s to a better year of making best efforts to move every aspect of your life forward with grace and ease and we’ll be here to help/contribute to you and yours in every way that we can.

Also, here's a preview of the topic for the upcoming January Live Zoom Event scheduled for Wednesday the 27th. Theme:  Clearing the Way for New Beginnings

Starting fresh new job? Have a new business idea? Moved to a new location? Beginning or searching for a new relationship or ending a relationship? Starting a new diet or exercise routine to improve your health? Entering into a new financial endeavor? What are you struggling with? Is something blocking you? What happened last time that you want to clear the past energy of? What switches do you want to strengthen and turn on/off related to new beginnings? The registration link will be available in the coming weeks, stay tuned!

TGIWednesday Download

~ NEW BEGINNINGS ~ Today I believe, think, know and feel that as long as I am alive I can and will undertake new efforts and beginnings.  I know when, where, how and why to release procrastination and lean forward into production. I am ready, willing and able to make progress daily and see my life expanding and improving in all directions of positive outcomes. I am saying this in all languages and throughout all time lines and so it is.  

From the Fish Box

"Dear Mr. Mack, I've been on this spiritual journey for a year now which started with your methods. Spirit has been teaching me all kinds of things. Started off using a pendulum but no longer need it to communicate. I'm able to talk directly having conversations. Most are yes/no type conversations.  If I doubt myself or my energy is off I use the push/pull method. They have taught me how to recognize different types of spirits. How to help cross over souls. Even how to communicate with them on the other side. All this while I'm a firm believer in the Bible. I've shared with others in my church about my lifelong food allergies being gone and how you helped me but most just seem to not get it. Because of the pushback from what I would call a real miracle. I don't dare talk with anyone in the church about everything else. Mr. Mack, there has been so much change in my life since I decided to try your download healing sessions a year ago that it's too much to list. Like all my mistakes, insights and even a few visions. Talking with angels, spirit guides and lost souls. Outer body experiences, lots of dreams and even learning about my past lives. I've heard disembodied voices, seen shadows and even little lights. I just wanted to write this to tell you how God has used you in my life. The peace & strength in faith this has brought me has been so wonderful. Keep the faith and keep healing!" - J.B.

 Tampa Office Sessions

FRIDAY KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS 

Friday sessions are back to being phone-only for folks that I usually see at Kodawari until further notice. You can book time with me in the shop and schedule online.   3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa ☎️ (813) 999-1874 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

Fish Food 

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack JANUARY 6th "No" is a one-word sentence and today I will be able to say "no" without recourse, regret or explanation. We may not always pronounce words perfectly. It is the feelings and emotions that the words convey that allow us to communicate our deepest thoughts, needs and desires."

Live Radio Show Appearances

2021 UPDATE THE JIMMY MACK HEALING SHOW GOING FORWARD I put in 5 years hosting weekly shows on Blog Talk and nearly another 5 years into my current show and Spirit came to me during a 3AM ending of My Daily Prayer services and whispered...“Enough.” So while we will not return to our weekly show in 2021, we will of course be guest or co-hosting on a variety of other shows on occasion.  So stay tuned to this section of TGIW as variety show line ups where I am a guest on other shows will be posted! 

Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

Nightly prayers include COVID-19. Each night we work on scrambling the frequency for everyone on the prayer list. Your name will be added to a special VIP Prayer list where Jimmy will use his intelligent computer software, src4you which runs 24/7, to delete the negative and increase the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of favorable outcomes for you.  

In addition, throughout the full 30-days, Jimmy will be dialing into your energetic signature each day upon rising and make certain that you are a clear yes, unclear to no and running forward before you start your day. He is doing the heavy lifting for you around 3am NY time while most of you are asleep in order to smooth out your way and increase your most favorable life outcomes.

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively  and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Upon written email request, for each new order we offer a one-time email analysis via the intelligent healing software that Jimmy uses on your behalf.  Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers. *NOTE if the MDP Service was purchased via a special telesummit or radio show offer, prayers will be limited to BUYER ONLY - and will not include family members or pets.

You can run this monthly and stop at any time after the 30 days is up, you will have the opportunity to renew and update your list each month but are under no obligation. I believe you will experience magical transformations and make progress every day! 

Sign Up for 30-Days - $99

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

​For those who aren't familiar,​ below is ​a​ list of the​ 30+​ audio​s in the MyBeliefWorks series.... Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with your immediate friends and family.

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe Bountiful Harvest Creatives Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives Financial Windfall The Gold Coin Healing Body Disorders Healing Mental Stress

Holiday Stress Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Improving Sex Improving Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss Youth & Vitality  

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

TGIFunny

Forward

Pinterest

Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session ​​​ Transformational Healing of Body, Mind​ & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations!​ ​ Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit (*Updated May 2019) Audio MP3 Downloads​ and books​ to improve your life! Get Certified in ​My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for ​Supplements ​ http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2021 All Rights Reserved  

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com  

Stay connected!

  Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

[bulletandsophia]

Some Meta (Tinfoil?) Because Episode 4 Had Me All Shook. Spoilers Included, Beware.

Okay, so I’ve few more thoughts about what can happen to the show moving forward. I think I’ve seen enough material from the past four episodes to create this somewhat long assumption on the endgame ship.

First and foremost, I am a fan of a good piece of literature (defined from here on, as I’ve studied in the university, as a piece of text or material from whichever medium or channel) and a well-thought literary criticism. I am keeping an open mind on this one so I hope you do too so we can create a healthy, substantial, and fascinating discourse. To keep it clear, this is mostly show-based analysis. 😊

And so, here we go. Read below the cut.

After seeing episode four that just for some reason blew me away not only on the execution and craftsmanship but even more so on the emotional depth that almost all of the characters in that episode have conveyed. I’ve already written a short recap on this particular episode in a previous post but in summary, I thought the episode gave us all what we wanted and rightfully, in GoT style. It was confusing, terrifying, and most definitely opened to A LOT MORE to interpretation.

The episode is both plot and character(s) driven that for me, it moved so much of the story in all characters’ respective playing field. Just a quick recap of the instances that has inspired me so to think of this meta:

1. Jon and D*ny finally have a semblance of a real conversation that made us see where their priorities still lie. Jon in the North, D*ny of conquering all of Westeros. Emphasis on “still” because this scene can inspire even more shifts in their dynamic. To where? That is the most exciting part.

2. Stark children Sansa, Arya, and Bran are finally all together in Winterfell surrounded by both angels (Brienne/Pod) and demons (Littlefinger) that could potentially put them in a tug-of-war. But ultimately, House Stark is back.

3. Jon and Theon dealing with past issues rekindled in a short but very tension-filled reunion. Might seem random. But I believe, it’s not (initially because of Dadvos’ reaction) but you can see why later on.

4. Tyrion and Jamie having some sort of similar realizations (of fear and disbelief) after witnessing D*ny’s fury and destruction on the battlefield.

With all these impressions and material to work on, a huge question has run rampart after this episode leak. Is the endgame Jonsa or J*nerys? This episode was filled with moments for both ships to shine and sail and I say they are both sailing very well. But again, in consideration of ALL that is happening (cue here LF’s words of wisdom: everything is happening all at the same time), we cannot simply disregard characterization, context, AND the other characters in order to make a ship happen.

First, Jon and D*ny are definitely going somewhere. I cannot entirely say yet that it will be full-on romantic or tragic or chaotic for episode four left this (too deliciously) vague for me. But they are intertwined both in the aspects of claiming the Iron Throne and in defeating the White Walkers. What I love is how blatant this knowledge is that I don’t even have to explain why. For anyone with the right senses, matched with the aforementioned knowledge of their intertwined fates, the simpler and almost only logical thing to do is to place Jon and D side by side as the power couple. It is a good picture. It is an efficient picture. But of course, this is GoT and as I see it, showrunners are putting in as much tension between the two to deny the audience the quick and convenient union of “ice and fire”, creating an even more plausible chemistry a la the usual love-hate relationship trope. But as of now, Jon and D*ny are sure of their intentions and priorities in defeating the Walkers and getting the Iron Throne respectively. It is then in these contrasting goals that their true dilemma lies. At this point, they are not agreeable with each other. While some may argue that there is also a clear attraction, this mere reasoning cannot reconcile their beliefs and allowing it to be is a disservice to both characters. And so, as I can see it, and mentioned in my previous post, something drastic will have to occur to make this partnership believably happen.

With episode four, I can now fully understand those supposed “leaks” comparing J/D with Lyanna and Rhaeger later on. It actually makes sense. And if it does happen, I will be so glad for it. Because for Jon and D to get together, it will have to be some sort of an epic “betrayal” not only for the realm, but to their current disposition and beliefs now. The look Jon had in the cave scene where D mentioned his pride and of sacrificing his people because of it, is a look of a person conflicted. D*ny’s words are challenging Jon’s honor and loyalty to the North/Starks. This creates an internal dilemma for Jon. He does not want to betray his people and yet we also know how he is so desperate for help. So how then can Jon get the queen’s support? This question has opened up tons of interpretation in which I conclude will make J*nerys actually happen—but not without its bitterness. Because first and foremost, I believe, for that ship to happen, both J and D have to sacrifice and shed some parts of who they are now.

For Jon, it will be his biggest gesture and by far, his biggest character shift yet because the possibility of J/D happening first lies in the notion and acts of Jon Snow falling in love with D. Like truly falling in love with her. He has to admire her truthfully, honestly and with a passion despite everything that has happened and despite everything D has already done. This choice that Jon will make will also be despite the North, his beliefs, and despite his siblings. Jon will choose D and evidently, not his honor (cue here Maester Aemon’s words: what is honor compared to a woman’s love, etc.) This then makes the J/D-L/R parallel sensible. This is a version of J/D against the rest of the world, against all the odds.

BUT THEN, we were also bombarded in the past few episodes of how Jon should be smarter than Robb and Eddard—both of whom died because of honor and love. So, another way to read this (and probably the most intriguing) is for Jon to perhaps do the other way around. Jon—loyal to a core to the North and his family—will shed his honor (unlike Ned) and will be unburdened by love (unlike Robb) for ironically, planned and with selfish intent, he has to make D fall in love with him and earn her trust.

Ultimately, as King, this is Jon Snow finally playing the game of thrones.

The only silver lining here is for D to be the one to change, and not Jon. For J/D to make sense, she needs to clear up her issues and questionable judgements on leadership, morality, and power. That is then her big gesture, to fall into Jon’s ideals and principles and of the people he cares for. This will be her paradigm shift from all that she’s worked for and believed in since so many seasons ago; accepting that she is not fit to rule (and not born to rule, once Jon’s identity is finally revealed) and finally shedding off the madness and ruthlessness in her (madness that episode 4 can attest to). She has to see Westeros the way Jon sees it too. She has to be remorseful with her past (and future?) horrific actions (again, once she finds out Jon’s parentage). So, for as long as D’s hunger for the IT won’t recede, J/D is the narrative and the tragedy of Jon losing a core of his self for it, emulating the same mistakes his parents did before him, embodying and solidifying that he is indeed both ice and fire, and starting an unnecessary war, betrayal, and conflict between the kingdoms (and perhaps, even within his siblings)—only this time, it’s much worse, what with the bigger threat of the undead that still looms.

So how does Jonsa play in all of these? Were we all just delusional in seeing those parallels? Were we overanalyzing Jon’s protectiveness? No, I’d beg to differ. I think all these Jonsa hints are even more deliberate as we are also now (assumed) to go canon with the J/D ship. I actually love how these two ships are playing side by side. Because even if small, short, and unseen by the casual viewers, Jonsa hints are scattered all over the episodes since season 6. I’d like to believe that this has a specific and special reason in the narrative. Because while J/D might be the epic, tragic, right-in-your face love story, Jonsa is not. Or I think will it ever be.

I think it’s never supposed to be that anyway because as I see it now, again considering all of the things that is happening, Jonsa is the story that has to creep up with melancholy realization for both Jon, Sansa, and us, the audience, as soon as the dust of war has settled. And if I were to believe that D will find her demise beyond the wall fighting the walkers, then this leaves Jon with only one option: to go home. I still couldn’t fathom him wanting the throne. And before anyone can even raise this, Sansa in this scenario is NOT and NEVER will be a second option. Not when, as I said, she has been creeping up since season 6. She is then, as we’ve seen, already a part of Jon. His reactions in anything that concerns Sansa is a reflex; they now share a quiet natural bond.

As what we have witnessed, listed, and gif-ed (lol!), these Jonsa moments are already too many to be disregarded as simple accidents. I think these moments are planted for posterity and to serve as a reminder for us as soon as the war ends of their certain dynamic building and buried in the middle of all the magic and the spectacle. For all the parallels showrunners have made for Jonsa, Ned/Cat is the most evident. And what else do they perhaps want to make us remember but of that sheer joy, love, and relative peace Ned and Cat had and portrayed in season one?

Jon and Sansa IS Ned and Cat reincarnate. With all these parallels and hints, with Sansa’s competency in ruling, her undying belief in goodness (‘If I’m to be queen, I will make them love me.’), Jon’s stil intact honor, bravery, and love for family, hugely echo Ned/Cat’s ideal courtly, familial life that we have not seen for so long. Jon and Sansa, relieving this scenario again one moment at a time, only affirms that they are or can be, the dream of spring, the two people who can rebuild a home again (vs. J/D’s partnership that saves). And at this point of where we are now in the story, it is literally a wishful thinking. It cannot be realized. Yet.

But, as soon as the WW are defeated and Jon comes home, we can have this. We can finally have this. And no one—any character who had the privilege of witnessing Jon’s protectiveness with anything that concerns Sansa and what with Sansa’s constant talk of Jon—can argue that they did not see this coming. Always, even if just a hunch (LF and Davos’ suspicions), it has always been there. Then on the other hand we, as the audience, both casual and in-depth, have the power to look back on the literature and surprise ourselves with the ingenuity of it all.

It has always been there.

But the best pay-off for this ending is perhaps the fulfillment of Jon and Sansa’s dreams. A loving household they can finally live in. Together. And with the restoration of peace, Jon can also then redeem and revive the honor, the loyalty, and the love he had probably lost along the way in fulfilling his prophecy.

BUT if indeed, it comes to an end where Jon had changed and transformed (to a half-dead, the Night King, D’s husband if she survives, or ultimately shedding the remaining Starkness in him), the bittersweet truth still lies so glaringly. Because we can look back to all these moments and realize that Sansa is Jon’s what could have been. She is his once dream fulfilled before all the chaos, the prophecies, and the truth changed, possessed, and occupied him so. She is the other reality he could have had. As the audience, our power again to revisit each and every episode since the reunion can realize how they could have also worked so, so well; the quiet parallel to the more dramatic, glamorized, and epically soap-opera way J/D has or can happen.

The last three episodes of this season will surely change (or add) more to this thought but at this point, with the promise of bitterness, blood, and eventual spring, this is where I can see the end game going. And so while J/D can become canon, I believe that this does not make Jonsa any less true. Both endgames are a realization and a contrast of the dreams (Jonsa) and the destiny (J*nerys) of the song of ice and fire himself, Jon Snow.

Whew! What do you think? :)

[notarelationship]

Clinging to This Hating Game 3/?

For the @prompt-a-klainefic blog’s 2017 Reverse Bang

Link to the art by @datshitrandom

the prompt:

Kurt and Blaine couldn’t stand each other in high school, maybe one was a jock/cheerleader and the other a nerd/glee clubber. Or they were bitter rivals for competition solos if they were both in glee club. Now they both live in NY and their friends set them up on a blind date, not knowing they went to the same high school.

High School AU, Cheerio!Kurt, Jock!Blaine Rating: Explicit Warnings:  some bullying and homophobic language, teenage sex Word Count: ~5300 (this chapter)

Thanks as always to my superbeta @mshoneysucklepink.

Everything wonky is my fault.

AO3 link Chapter 3

On tumblr: Ch 1, Ch 2

--

Kurt was nervous heading to the party. It was his first party since his ill advised hook-up with Blaine and, while he didn’t have any misconceptions about what sort of hook ups might occur at this party, Blaine was going to be there.

He didn’t blame Blaine for what had happened that night - he couldn’t bring himself to be that unfair, as much as it would have made it easier on himself. Kurt simply didn’t enjoy being faced with his mistake on an almost daily basis.

Because that’s what it had been, he knew that now. He didn’t let himself regret it as much as want to put it out of his mind. Blaine was making that difficult.

Mike’s house was in one of the nicer middle class neighborhoods of Lima, and while it wasn’t ostentatiously large there was a lot of front lawn. He was walking up the wide driveway with Quinn, Santana and Brittany when Puck’s truck pulled up and parked directly in front of the house. Puck and Finn jumped out of the front of the cab; Blaine and Beckham climbed out of the back.

Kurt raised an eyebrow. If Blaine and Beckham were showing up at the party in the back of Puck’s truck then it was hardly a date, at least not by Kurt’s standards. Not that he’d ever been on a date. Or was thinking about if they were on a date.

Still, he worked to ignore the butterflies banging around in his stomach as they stood on the front lawn and watched the boys head up the house

“Are we going in?” Santana asked. “Or are we going to hang out here in the front all night looking gorgeous?”

“We’re always gorgeous, Santana,” Kurt volleyed back. “But yes, let’s go in.”

“S’up,” Puck nodded at Quinn as he caught up with them, the other boys trailing.

“Congratulations boys, that was an impressive win,” Quinn answered, her voice calm.

Kurt tensed just a bit, and he could tell Santana was reacting similarly on the other side of Quinn. Puck had been kryptonite for Quinn during sophomore year and even though they had seemed to have gotten over each other, Kurt knew that Puck possessed enough dangerous charm to mess Quinn up if he wanted.

The boys mumbled their thanks, walking past them into the house. Blaine glanced in Kurt’s direction as they passed, but Beckham was looking at his feet the whole time. Santana sidled up to Kurt once they had gone into the house.

“What is going on there Hummel?” She asked quietly.

Kurt half-shrugged and shook his head once. “I’m not entirely sure.”

Once inside they gathered their drinks and found a corner of the living room already occupied by a few other Cheerios and got to gossiping about the football team, college applications and who was most likely to wind up knocked up before they graduated. There was still a few months, after all.

“You’re not drinking, Kurt?” One of the other girls asked. She’d been on the JV squad since last year but Kurt couldn’t remember her name. She always seemed to be wearing a neckbrace.

“Designated driver,” he said, wiggling his fingers in the air in an approximation of a wave. “Besides, I think I’ll wait to uncover my inner alcoholic when there’s something other than Jagermeister and Schaeffer in cans on offer.”

“It all gets you drunk.” Neckbrace rolled her eyes. Kurt noticed Santana bristle at that. Santana could harass Kurt all day and into the night about his occasionally uptight behavior, but damned if she’d let anyone else give him attitude.

“Yes, well, tonight I’ll pass. I promised Finn I’d drive so he could enjoy the party.” Kurt looked around, sipping his pop. “Has anyone seen him? He wasn’t in the front when I came in.”

“I think that Berry chick dragged him into the basement,” another girl offered. When Kurt made a horrified face she added, “They have a karaoke machine set up down there, I think.”

The music upstairs was loud, so Kurt couldn’t hear anything from the basement, but he excused himself and headed to find Finn. Santana, Brittany and Quinn followed him down the stairs.

When they reached the room where the karaoke was happening Kurt was less surprised to find Rachel standing in front of the machine emoting Stevie Nicks than he was when he realized Blaine was her duet partner. He hated how amazing they sounded.

Kurt stood in the back, frowning at them, wondering idly exactly how much sabotage would be beneath him, and if Santana would help him (he was pretty sure she would).

“Hey.” It was Santana, as if on cue. She nudged his shoulder, nodding across the room, where Beckham was standing, staring daggers at Rachel as she play-acted against Blaine’s Tom Petty. “I always wondered about him, but he never let anything slip.” Kurt huffed. “I guess Blaine’s got more skills than football and singing, huh?”

Kurt turned to her, eyebrows raised. “What do you mean?”

Santana smirked. “Obviously he’s the Twink Whisperer.”

-

Kurt and the girls hung out in the basement for a while, eventually taking their turn on the karaoke machine. Everyone in the room got drunker, except Kurt.

After running through their repertoire of solo choices, Brittany punched in “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls and the four of them got up and bounced around, singing and pulling the other kids in the room into their performance. Kurt ignored the fact that Blaine stayed far away from the group. They collapsed into a heap together on the floor when they were done.

“Nice choice Britt, that was fun.” Santana leaned across Kurt to give her girlfriend a kiss on the cheek.

“I thought for sure Beck would join in,” Kurt said playfully. “I mean it is his namesake.”

Quinn gave him a confused look. “What?”

“Victoria Beckham? That’s obviously where his name comes from.” Kurt looked at the three of them.

“Kurt, sweetheart, I know you’re gay as a three dollar rainbow but he was not named after a Spice Girl.” Santana explained, laughing. “He was named after her husband.”

It was Kurt’s turn to be confused. “Why would someone name their child after an underwear model?”

Quinn laughed. “Oh my god, Kurt, he’s not - ”

“Come on everyone let’s play spin the bottle!” Rachel was standing in the middle of the basement room, an empty wine cooler bottle in one hand and a full one in the other.

After various noises of objection and resignation, a group of willing players moved to the room next door and some other group took over the karaoke machine.

Kurt wanted no part of spin the bottle, especially since Blaine was one of the people coerced into playing, so he found a corner that wasn’t too occupied and sat back to watch the teenage carnage unfold.

It started out more or less fun. But as the game went on and Beckham had to watch Blaine kiss more people that weren't him, Kurt could see the boy get more and more agitated. When Blaine wound up kissing Rachel on the mouth for much too long Kurt thought Beckham was going to tear them apart with his own hands.

When the bottle finally unleashed its magic in Beckham’s direction, he lept across the circle and planted a kiss on Blaine with enough enthusiasm to elicit ooohs and catcalls from the rest of the group.

“Someone wants a piece of your ass Anderson,” Puck crudely observed.

Blaine blew it off. “It’s just the game.” He shrugged and looked flustered. “It’s all right.” Beckham’s face was beet red.

At some point Santana’s spin landed on Brittany, and instead of stopping they just rolled themselves out of the circle and into a corner to continue making out.

When they’d had their fill of each other they joined Kurt on the sofa to watch the game play out, and when they grabbed some shots from a passing tray he indulged along with them.

“Oh my god, that tastes like motor oil.” Kurt gagged as the flavor backed up his throat. “Gross. No wonder I don't drink at these things.”

“You don’t drink at these things because you’ve got one leg in a nursing home, Hummel, don’t kid yourself.”

“Better than having one wrapped around a stripper pole,” Kurt shot back, but there wasn’t (much) heat behind it. The teasing went on for a while, but when the spin the bottle game broke up they all wandered back to the room with the karaoke to find, to everyone’s delight, that someone had plugged in an ipod and karaoke had turned into a dance party.

Couples had paired off, and Kurt saw Beckham tug Blaine into a dark corner, so he danced with the girls for a while. Eventually, Puck pulled Quinn away - eliciting a raised eyebrow from Santana. Kurt excused himself after that, leaving Santana to Brittany’s mercy, and wandered upstairs.

Kurt made a solo loop around the house, wondering how MIke was going to get it cleaned up before his parents came home on Sunday night. He hoped for Mike’s sake they didn’t come home early.

The line for the bathroom on the first floor was long, and rather than take the advice of several hockey players and relieve himself in the hydrangea bush out back Kurt decided to risk going upstairs. He assumed the upstairs was full of classmates in various states of undress (or worse), but he thought if he just focused on getting to the bathroom he wouldn’t be exposed to too many teenage hormones.

Kurt slipped up the stairs, making small talk with his classmates as he passed them. He didn’t have a lot of close friends at the school - and didn’t want them, but he was a Cheerio and by default fit in the class of ‘popular’ students. He was pleased to find that the line for the upstairs bathroom was much shorter, with only two people ahead of him. Kurt was thumbing through his Instagram feed when the door to the bathroom opened and Blaine stumbled out, Beckham tucked up against his back, his hands tight at Blaine’s waist. They both looked drunk and he watched them stagger down the hall in the opposite direction until they tumbled through a half-open door, slamming it behind them. Kurt swore under his breath.

By the time he worked his way back downstairs, Kurt’s heart was banging in his chest, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

It shouldn’t bother him, Beckham and Blaine, there wasn’t any reason for it. He didn’t want either of them - he wasn’t jealous of that.

Kurt rubbed the heels of his hands in his eyes, pressing hard against his eyelids. Kurt had been the only out gay kid he knew for years. Even before he was really aware of what it meant to be gay, other kids - hell, adults, had assumed things about him that he barely understood. And when he when he did want to hide it was almost impossible.

He had Santana now, and Brittany, and they helped him feel at less alone, but Kurt had been going to school with Beckham Lee for years. And while Kurt would never, ever, expect someone to come out before they were ready, or ever, if they didn’t feel comfortable, he was having a hard time reconciling the fact that he could know this boy for years, that this boy could have witnessed the things that Kurt went through (because honestly, Kurt’s humiliation was nothing if not public) and never say a word, but the minute handsome, talented, charming Blaine Anderson shows up he’s ready to expose himself in a room crowded with his drunken classmates without so much as a second thought.

Kurt opened his eyes, gasping. There were other people in the room, but they weren’t paying much attention to him. He was in the kitchen, so he lifted a half empty bottle of something and a plastic cup and walked out into the back yard.

It was late October chilly, but Kurt didn’t care. He found a spot not already occupied by couples making out and sat, pouring what was probably too much alcohol into the cup. He swallowed a few gulps. It tasted like the foul shot from the basement. He drank some more. He wondered how much he’d have to drink before he either threw up or passed out.

-

Kurt didn’t know how he got home, but when he opened his eyes again he was in his own bed, stripped down to a t-shirt and his underwear. His mouth tasted like hot asphalt and he wasn’t sure he could move his head if he wanted to.

“Kurt!” His dad called, followed by three explosions that could have been knocks on his door. Kurt heard himself whimper. “I’m coming in son.”

Burt sat on the bed next to Kurt’s legs, but all Kurt could do was stare at the ceiling and blink.

“So I have to say that I’m a little disappointed in you, Kurt.” Burt set a large bottle of water and two ibuprofen down on the side table. “But not for the reasons I suspect you think.” Kurt wanted to nod, or say yes, or apologize, or die. “For the time being I’m going to hold off on being angry about this until you can speak for yourself.”

Kurt managed a nod to show he understood. “Dad?” He croaked.

“Yes Kurt?”

“When does it stop spinning?”

-

Kurt didn’t really fall back to sleep so much as bury his head under a pillow and lie in his bed for another few hours. After dragging himself into a shower and putting on clean clothes he felt marginally better, so he forced himself to go downstairs and face the wrath of Burt Hummel.

Finn was sitting at the dining room table in front of a plate full of homemade hamburgers, and his dad was helping his step-mother Carole put the rest of dinner on the table. Apparently he had slept the entire day. Kurt sat gingerly next to Finn.

Finn leaned in and whispered. “Dude, you were so drunk.”

“Finn, how did we get home? Tell me I didn’t drive.”

Finn chuckled. “Are you kidding? I had to carry you to the car. Brittany drove us home. Burt took me over to her house earlier to pick up your car.”

Kurt closed his eyes and tried to remember anything from last night. “Was Dad mad?”

“Well, a little, but he kept asking me what happened. He kept saying you didn’t do things like this so something must have happened.” Finn looked nervous for a moment. “He asked if someone could have slipped you something.”

Kurt managed to turn his head enough to look at Finn. “Like what?”

“Like, you know, like a roofie.” Finn looked uncomfortable again. “Do you think someone drugged you?”

Kurt chuckled darkly. “I wish I could blame someone else for this, but no. I did this to myself.”

Burt and Carole joined them before Kurt could go on or ask any more questions. He couldn’t help but wonder if he’d done anything stupid, or if he just passed out on the grass until someone found him. He sincerely hoped it was the latter.

Dinner was quiet, but Kurt felt about seventy five percent better after he’d eaten. He thought he could handle whatever Burt had in store for him.

When Carole drafted Finn to help her clear and clean up, Kurt knew it was time to face the music.

“Come on Kurt, there's a game on.”

Once they were settled in the den with the TV on Burt cleared his throat.

“So, was this about a boy? Because I know I wasn’t always ready for this, but you can talk to me, Kurt. Or Carole, if that’s easier.”

Kurt squirmed until he was lying flat on his back, legs stretched out over the couch. Between the unbearable pain of his first hangover and the accompanying embarrassment, Kurt wasn’t sure if he would ever feel human again.

“Sort of, I guess. But probably not the way you think.”

Burt hummed.

“It seems I'm not the only out gay kid at McKinley anymore.”

“Yeah. Finn told me about the new kid. Impressive game last night.”

Kurt huffed a humorless laugh. Of course his dad knew about Blaine’s football prowess.

“You have something going on with this kid?”

“No. Oh god no Dad.” Kurt flapped his hands in the air. “He’s - annoying.”

Burt laughed. “Finn said he was a bit of a showboat.”

“Yeah he’s just good at everything. He doesn't even have to work for it, I mean he came in and like, everyone loved him Dad. The football team is winning, he's getting all the leads in glee, he's definitely going to get the lead in the musical. It's like suddenly I’ve disappeared. I've worked so hard to be accepted, and to get what I wanted,and now it's all just back to square one.”

“I'm sure it's not as bad as all that Kurt.” Burt rubbed a broad hand over his face. “Your school applications are all in, you’ll get auditions for your programs -”

Kurt sat up, his legs swinging around as he leaned forward. Now that he was talking he just wanted to get it all out.

“It is, it's that bad.” Kurt propped his elbows on his knees, burying his face in his hands. “And NYADA is not a guarantee. Without the musical I have no idea if they’ll even get back to me.”

Blaine’s arrival at McKinley had upset Kurt and his expectations for his senior year, but now - raw from the hangover and alone with his dad, all of the uncertainty he’d been feeling all year came bubbling to the top and he was frustratingly aware of how completely changed everything felt.

Burt started to object, but Kurt cut him off.

“But the worst part, Dad? The worst part is that no one cares that he’s gay. I mean, I should be happy about that, right? I should be happy that everyone has evolved to the point where they just treat him like a person, and who and how he loves someone shouldn’t matter, right?”

Burt sighed, but answered slowly. “Yes, you should. But Kurt - ”

“I mean, no one’s thrown a slushie at him, or tossed him in a dumpster, or even shoved him against a locker. Not that I’ve seen anyway. And there’s this kid, at school -” Kurt stopped and looked at his dad, “I’ve always wondered, you know, if he might be, well, like me -”

“You mean gay?”

Kurt nodded. “But it’s not, I wouldn’t do that to someone - ask them - if they weren’t ready.”

Burt indicated for Kurt to go on.

“But all Blaine had to do was show up, and this kid - he started following him around like a puppy. And last night - well, let’s just say he’s not in the closet any more.” Kurt tried to sound sardonic, but he could hear the cracks in his own voice. His dad chuckled, but there was no humor in it.

“I don’t know if I’m following Kurt. Did you like this boy?”

Kurt shook his head. “No, not like that.” Kurt hugged himself, sitting back against the couch. “But, why not me? It’s not like I could hide from anyone, even when I wanted to. Why couldn’t he have come forward some other time, been my friend?”

For a moment neither of them said anything, then Burt got up from his chair and sat next to Kurt, wrapping him up in one arm.

“Kurt, I am so sorry for the things that you went through, and for not knowing what to do about them sooner. I wish things - no, I wish I had been different.” Kurt tried to object, but Burt shushed him. “No let me finish. As the parent I should have been able to figure it out sooner. No one should have to go through what you went through, and I do believe in my heart - if not my head, that the world is becoming a better and more accepting place. Whether it always wants to or not. But one thing I do know, Kurt, is that you can’t blame yourself for any of those things. You can only be yourself, all of yourself. And I think you are.”

Kurt laughed and willed himself not to cry, but wiped a sleeve across his eyes anyway. “It’s just - it would have been nice to know there was someone else. You know?”

Burt nodded, hugging Kurt tighter. “Yeah, I know son. But I’m proud of you.”

-

Kurt spent the rest of the weekend sleeping and doing his homework, and didn’t think much about what to expect when he got to school on Monday. If he had he might have been more prepared for it.

He met up with the girls in the parking lot, even Quinn - who had little to say about what she’d got up to with Puck at the party, but only smiled coyly at Kurt when he asked.

When they rounded the corner to head to class, they saw a crowd gathered around one of the lockers.

“It’s a little early for drama,” Santana said. “But who am I to question it?”

As they got closer the crowd parted a little, and they could all see, spray painted in huge black letters across a few of the lockers, F-A-G. Kurt choked back a noise that threatened to bubble out of his throat, and he could see various people looking at him as he stared.

“Whose locker is this?” Quinn demanded of the crowd.

Kurt swallowed. “It’s Beckham’s.” The girls all looked at him, but the crowd parted from the other side, and Blaine, Tina and Mike came through.

“Oh my god.” It was Tina. “Where’s Beck? Has anyone seen him?” She looked around at the crowd, and Kurt could see her start to panic. Someone said they thought he was in the office, and Tina took off in that direction, Mike on her heels.

Kurt watched Blaine, who was still staring silently at the defaced locker. After a few long seconds Blaine turned to follow Tina and Mike, brushing past Kurt as he did.

“All we did was make out at a party,” he sobbed out, so quietly Kurt was sure he was the only one who heard.

-

By the time glee club met that afternoon the news was all over the school.

“Beck’s parents pulled him out of McKinley,” Quinn whispered to him once they were sitting. “It seems his parents weren't entirely in the dark about his orientation and they've already petitioned the school board to let them home school him for the few remaining credits he needs to graduate. Turns out they'd been preparing in case something like this happened.”

Santana leaned forward, “Apparently he told his parents about all the shitty things that happened to you freshman year.” Without looking she locked her pinky with Brittany’s. “I guess some people were paying attention after all Kurt,” she said quietly.

Kurt bit his lip, hard, to keep from bursting into tears right there in class.

The class bustled in, and Kurt noticed Blaine looked a little unsteady, but he took his place next to Tina on the risers like he did every class. Mr. Schuester followed them in.

“Alright everyone, I know today has been a difficult one for a lot of people, but we need to get started on a few things. Sectionals is coming up in only a couple of weeks, and we need to cast the musical so we can get started on rehearsals.

“I was thinking we could start auditions for the musical today, so I can post the cast by the end of the week. Anyone without a prominent spot in the musical will be featured in our sectionals performance. How does that sound.”

From the murmured sounds that erupted from the group it sounded like everyone agreed that it would be a more fair opportunity for everyone than they were used to having.

“Mr. Schue,” Rachel interrupted. “I do believe that with my particular level of commitment to performance I could easily handle a major part in the musical as well as my usual place as the lead vocalist for -”

“I’ll stop you right there Rachel. We have more than enough talent for everyone to have a place right now, and I have no doubt that we will get through sectionals, no matter how the class splits its vocal duties. So why don’t you just wait until we get through rehearsals and I make some decisions about the casting before you start to petition me to make changes.” He paused, and the rumbling started up again. “That goes for everyone here.”

Rachel sat back and made a motion to zip her lips, and everyone quieted down.

Mr. Schuester drew their names out of a hat and they all auditioned at random. Kurt paid less attention to the girls as they went on, since he wasn’t in competition for them for roles, but perked up when they boys were performing.

For his own audition he’d chosen “What I Did For Love,” since Mr. Schuester had given up trying to dissuade him from singing songs written for girls early within his first six months in glee club. When Blaine, his eyes red-rimmed and blood-shot, auditioned with “Not While I’m Around” Kurt had to give him props for melodrama while trying not to blame him for what happened to Beckham. It wasn’t easy.

Beckham hadn’t been part of any popular crowds, so the only kids who were still affected by his loss were his close friends (Tina was still upset by the whole situation), so when news that there would be recruiters from some major college football teams coming to watch the team play on Friday pushed the excited uproar about his removal from school faded away. Even the posting of the cast for the musical was really only of interest to those who might get a part.

When the cast notice was posted Friday afternoon during lunch, everyone involved crowded around the board outside the choir room. Blaine, not surprisingly, was cast as the lead, and bashfully accepted congratulations from his friends in the group.

Kurt, also not surprisingly but disappointingly nonetheless, was cast as Mr. MacAfee. Santana as Rosie, Rachel as Kim, and Puck and Finn trading off the role of Conrad Birdie completed the cast. Kurt was relieved to see Mercedes cast as Mrs. MacAfee, since they generally got along and it would make the entire experience somewhat easier to bear. He grabbed her as the crowd broke up to commiserate.

“I am delighted to be your husband for this event, Miss Jones,” he teased. “I have to imagine you’re as disappointed as I am to not have a bigger role.”

Mercedes chuckled. “Well, I had a talk with Mr. Schue earlier in the week. He promised that I would get a lead at Sectionals, and some input into the song selection, so I’m willing to let it slide for now.”

“I wonder if I should go talk to him,” Kurt mused. “Get ahead of the crowd.”

“It couldn’t hurt,” Mercedes said. “But I’ll be doing a solo, so don’t even think about challenging me on that.”

Kurt held up his hands in mock protest. “I would never.”

-

Kurt Hummel was nothing if not determined, despite whatever setbacks might come his way, so if his only opportunity to shine was going to be as the campy comic relief, then he was going to be the campiest, most comic relief that anyone had ever seen.

He was still contemplating the potential things he could do in the role, what he might be able to expand or adapt, when he found himself more or less alone with Blaine Anderson in the locker room after the game that night.

“You should give up the lead in the musical,” Kurt said it to his locker, but there was no one else he could have been speaking to.

Blaine turned from his own locker, looking at Kurt as if he’d grown a second head. “Why on earth would I do that?”

“If you’re getting a football scholarship then I don’t understand why you have to take my arts scholarship too. It’s greedy.”

Blaine rolled his eyes and went back to taking his clothes off. Kurt absolutely did not sneak a sideways glance when Blaine took off his shirt

“I am definitely not getting a football scholarship, Kurt,” he said quietly.

“What are you talking about? All those scouts are here for you? And from what I hear through the grapevine there will be more next week! Why else would they be here if not to offer you a scholarship?” He went back to his locker.

Kurt could see Blaine walk toward him, stopping just a few feet away. “Look at me.”

“What?” Kurt’s skin went hot.

“Look at me, Kurt.”

Kurt did not want to look at Blaine. He knew Blaine was stripped down to his football undergarments, and he also knew what Blaine looked like with his pants (mostly) off. He centered himself, and turned towards Blaine, but let his gaze drift over his shoulder. Blaine was shorter than he was, so it wasn’t hard.

“At me, Kurt.” Kurt did. A sweep from head to toe and back, but he landed on his (so, so amber) eyes.

“I will never get a football scholarship. I am too small to play professional football. Hell, I’m too small to play college football most places. Also? I don’t want to play football. I don’t like it, I’m good at it. There’s a difference between those two things.”

“Oh poor you. So good at everything you do.” Kurt was beyond frustrated, and he couldn’t keep it out of his next question. “So what are you doing here?”

“Well, believe it or not, this strangely typical midwestern high school has apparently developed quite the reputation for the arts and as a breeding ground for talented kids. And my father was not happy with my declaration that I would not be going to school to be a lawyer, and that I planned to pursue performing arts. As a compromise, he agreed to help pay for my education only if I was accepted into a short list of elite programs, and this seemed like the best place for me to be so I could make that happen.”

Kurt scoffed. “What about your fancy prep school?”

Blaine held his hands out, an appeal for belief. “Nope. Academics, yes, and they had a decent glee club there. But it was stuffy and not very challenging and wasn’t going to get me noticed, even as the lead vocalist.” Kurt rolled his eyes, Blaine was insufferable. “Nope, it’s true. When the McKinley athletic department found out I was interested they bent over backwards to get me to come here.” Blaine put his hands on his hips. “They just want to use me to help get some of the other kids scholarships. I’m letting them.”

“It’s not fair.” Kurt shook his head and turned away.

“What’s not fair about it? I’ve worked just as hard as you have.”

Kurt spun and looked at him. “You have no idea what I’ve had to go through to make it out of here alive! What this school was like? The bullying, the threats, the general hatred and disinterest from people who should have been able to help me. And you just waltz in, Mr. Fucking Perfect at everything, and ruin all of it for everyone else. My god, Beckham wasn’t even out, and look what happened to him. Do you even care?”

Blaine took a step closer so fast Kurt flinched, eyes flashing.

“You don’t know me, Kurt. You have no idea what I care about.” Blaine took two steps back, then turned and went back to his locker, grabbing a towel from inside before storming off to the showers.

[sunshineweb]

Thinking in Bets, Lessons from Howard Marks, and Few Insights on D-Mart

Here’s some stuff I am reading, watching, and thinking about this weekend…

Book I’m Reading – Thinking in Bets In this book, Poker champion turned business consultant Annie Duke shares insights on how we can get comfortable with uncertainty and make better decisions as a result. It’s a lively read that presents a useful and novel framework for analyzing decisions when we are faced with less than perfect information: that is, the situation we likely find ourselves in daily. Annie writes –

Life, like poker, is one long game, and there are going to be a lot of losses, even after making the best possible bets. We are going to do better, and be happier, if we start by recognizing that we’ll never be sure of the future. That changes our task from trying to right every time, and impossible job, to navigating our way through the uncertainty by calibrating our beliefs to move toward, little by little, a more accurate and objective representation of the world.

The most charming parts of the book are where the principles presented can be applied in much of my daily life, from those facing me as a father of two kids to better considering possible outcomes when making investment decisions.

It’s a nice, practical book – Thinking in Bets.

Articles I’m Reading The NY Times carries a crisp interview of Howard Marks who talks about how investors are often their own worst enemy. When asked if investors have become smarter in the 50 years Marks has been investing himself, he replies –

They’ve gotten more information. They know more about more asset classes. There are fewer secrets in the world today. On the other hand, I think they are more shortsighted, more short term oriented than they used to be.

And while people now understand more about contrarianism and counterintuitiveness, I don’t think the human race has become less emotional.

On how to succeed in investing, Marks suggests –

Superior investing is taking advantage of the errors of others. In order to get an above-average return in the long run, you have to buy things for less than they’re worth, which is to say that the other people out there have to be selling that thing for less than its worth.

They’re making a mistake and you need to act in a contrarian way to take advantage of that.

Check out his latest book Mastering the Market Cycle, where the legendary investor shows how to identify and, well, master the cycles that govern the markets.

* * * Haste makes waste, writes Morgan Housel in another thoughtful post. This time on how forced growth, accelerated growth, and artificial growth tends to backfire. He cites examples of fishes, companies, venture capitalists, and people in general. He writes –

There is a graveyard of companies whose early success pushed them to grow as fast as they could, right past the point where growth killed them … Each had something going for them, but ruined it by saying, “How can we get more of it ‘faster’.”

He then adds –

Everyone knows the investing duo of Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger. But 40 years ago there was a third member, Rick Guerin. Warren, Charlie, and Rick made investments together. Then Rick kind of disappeared. Turns out he was highly leveraged with margin loans, and during the 1974 recession had to sell his Berkshire Hathaway stock to Warren for less than $40 a share.

* * * CNBC carries a nice interview of Neville Noronha, the CEO of Avenue Supermarts (D-Mart). Among other things, Noronha indicates that D-Mart is not looking aggressively to expand the stores in new states (welcome contrast to the kind of story Morgan has written above about companies chasing rapid growth).

One question centres around the lessons he has learned from the company’s founder RK Damani –

A) Patience: This has been reinforced in all aspects of the business. It’s quite a contradiction to our day to day operations. This business doesn’t tolerate patience in a lot of things. Things have to get done with a lot of swift speed. But in a lot of other things patience is a virtue that is quite powerful.

B) Word is stronger than a contract document is another of his strong dictums. A lot of his past knowledge and experience in the investing business has been imbibed into D-Mart in its formative years. He would always remind us “it takes years and decades to build reputation and very little time and effort to squander it all.” A lot of what we do is based on this principle.

C) Silence if disagreement on a point. This one is the most powerful. In the initial days, when I would make a point that he disagreed on, he would pause and reflect. He would almost never object. Over time I would realise that his active participation in an idea meant his complete agreement while unenthusiastic reverts meant he didn’t agree. But he never prevented us from executing it.

The interview is a nice read in its entirety and contains a lot of insights on the retail industry in general and D-Mart’s business in particular.

* * * Can money buy happiness? Well, as per researchers, money can help you find more happiness so long as you know just what you can and can’t expect from it. But they also suggest that once you get basic human needs met, a lot more money doesn’t make a lot more happiness.

So, while the rich are happier than the poor, the enormous rise in living standards over the past 50 years hasn’t made us happier. Why?

One, we overestimate how much pleasure we’ll get from having more money. Two, more money can also lead to more stress –

The big salary you pull in from your high-paying job may not buy you much in the way of happiness. But it can buy you a spacious house in the suburbs. Trouble is, that also means a long trip to and from work, and study after study confirms what you sense daily: even if you love your job, the little slice of everyday hell you call the commute can wear you down.

Also…you endlessly compare yourself with the family next door. H.L. Mencken once quipped that the happy man is one who earns $100 more than his wife’s sister’s husband. He was right. Happiness scholars have found that how you stand relative to others makes a much bigger difference in your sense of well-being than how much you make in an absolute sense.

* * * Mint carried a nice piece on whether the way we work is killing us. It talks about how the impact of work stress on our well-being, both mental and physical, is immense.

Stanford professor Jeffrey Pfeffer estimates there are 120,000 extra deaths each year directly resulting from harmful management practices in the US, and puts the extra healthcare costs at $190 billion (around ₹14 trillion). Workplaces were the fifth-leading cause of death.

Though these are US numbers, they emphatically apply here too. India stands to lose $4.58 trillion due to stress-related chronic diseases before 2030, as reported by a 2014 World Economic Forum (WEF)/Harvard School of Public Health study. Asked about the Indian context, Prof. Pfeffer says over email, “The health and other consequences are almost certainly the same across cultures, as the etiology of the stress-induced diseases and the psychological impact of work is likely to be identical.”

If you can relate to this grave problem at hand, the first thing is to try to do is not to feel overwhelmed by the toxic situation. Acknowledge it. And then figure out what you’re going to do next to get the happiness and better health you deserve.

Thought I’m Meditating On

…this life we’re living — this world we inhabit — is a scary place. If you peer over the side of a narrow bridge, you can lose your heart to continue. You freeze up. You sit down. So too with life. If we think too much about the journey we have to make, the one that begins with the trauma of birth and ends with the tragedy of death, the one that is so perilous and unpredictable, we’ll never make it.

The important thing is that we are not afraid. That we don’t overthink things. That we don’t give way to fear. Just repeat it to yourself — The world is a narrow bridge and I will not be afraid — and keep going. Like the thousands of generations who have come before you. ~ Daily Stoic

Video I’m Watching Here is one video I have watched often, and each time it leaves me a little inspired. It’s the commencement speech from Admiral William H. McRaven, ninth commander of US Special Operations Command, at the University of Texas at Austin in 2014. The beauty of the speech lies in the fact that it is on point and offers some fantastic life and business lessons. McRaven shares the ten lessons he learned during his 34-years career as a navy SEAL.

Enjoy your weekend (avoid thinking about your stocks), — Vishal

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[newstfionline]

How to Boost Resilience in Midlife

By Tara Parker-Pope, NY Times, July 25, 2017

Much of the scientific research on resilience--our ability to bounce back from adversity--has focused on how to build resilience in children. But what about the grown-ups?

While resilience is an essential skill for healthy childhood development, science shows that adults also can take steps to boost resilience in middle age, which is often the time we need it most. Midlife can bring all kinds of stressors, including divorce, the death of a parent, career setbacks and retirement worries, yet many of us don’t build the coping skills we need to meet these challenges.

The good news is that some of the qualities of middle age--a better ability to regulate emotions, perspective gained from life experiences and concern for future generations--may give older people an advantage over the young when it comes to developing resilience, said Adam Grant, a management and psychology professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania.

“There is a naturally learnable set of behaviors that contribute to resilience,” said Dr. Grant, who, with Sheryl Sandberg, the chief operating officer of Facebook, wrote the book “Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy.” “Those are the behaviors that we gravitate to more and more as we age.”

Scientists who study stress and resilience say it’s important to think of resilience as an emotional muscle that can be strengthened at any time. While it’s useful to build up resilience before a big or small crisis hits, there still are active steps you can take during and after a crisis to speed your emotional recovery.

Last year Dr. Dennis Charney, a resilience researcher and dean of the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York City, was leaving a deli when he was shot by a disgruntled former employee. Dr. Charney spent five days in intensive care and faced a challenging recovery.

“After 25 years of studying resilience, I had to be resilient myself,” said Dr. Charney, co-author of the book “Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges.” “It’s good to be prepared for it, but it’s not too late once you’ve been traumatized to build the capability to move forward in a resilient way.”

Here are some of the ways you can build your resilience in middle age.

* Practice Optimism. Optimism is part genetic, part learned. So if you were born into a family of Eeyores, you can still find your inner Tigger.

Optimism doesn’t mean ignoring the reality of a dire situation. After a job loss, for instance, many people may feel defeated and think, “I’ll never recover from this.” An optimist would acknowledge the challenge in a more hopeful way, saying, “This is going to be difficult, but it’s a chance to rethink my life goals and find work that truly makes me happy.”

While it sounds trivial, thinking positive thoughts and surrounding yourself with positive people really does help. Dr. Steven Southwick, a psychiatry professor at Yale Medical School and Dr. Charney’s co-author, notes that optimism, like pessimism, can be infectious. His advice: “Hang out with optimistic people.”

* Rewrite Your Story. When Dr. Charney was recovering from the shooting, he knew that his life was forever changed, but he reframed the situation, focusing on the opportunity the setback presented. “Once you are a trauma victim it stays with you,” he said. “But I knew I could be a role model. I have thousands of students watching my recovery. This gives me a chance to utilize what I’ve learned.”

Study after study has shown that we can benefit from reframing the personal narrative that shapes our view of the world and ourselves. In expressive writing studies, college students taught to reframe their college struggles as a growth opportunity got better grades and were less likely to drop out. A Harvard study found that people who viewed stress as a way to fuel better performance did better on tests and managed their stress better physiologically than those taught to ignore stress.

“It’s about learning to recognize the explanatory story you tend to use in your life,” Dr. Southwick said. “Observe what you are saying to yourself and question it. It’s not easy. It takes practice.”

* Don’t Personalize It. We have a tendency to blame ourselves for life’s setbacks and to ruminate about what we should have done differently. In the moment, a difficult situation feels as if it will never end. To bolster your resilience, remind yourself that even if you made a mistake, a number of factors most likely contributed to the problem and shift your focus to the next steps you should take.

“Telling yourself that a situation is not personal, pervasive or permanent can be extremely useful,” Dr. Grant said. “There is almost no failure that is totally personal.”

* Remember Your Comebacks. When times are tough, we often remind ourselves that other people--like war refugees or a friend with cancer--have it worse. While that may be true, you will get a bigger resilience boost by reminding yourself of the challenges you personally have overcome.

“It’s easier to relate to your former self than someone in another country,” said Dr. Grant. “Look back and say, ‘I’ve gone through something worse in the past. This is not the most horrible thing I have ever faced or will ever face. I know I can deal with it.’”

Sallie Krawcheck, a former Wall Street executive, said that after a very public firing, she reminded herself how fortunate she still was to have a healthy family and a financial cushion. While she has never studied resilience, she believes early challenges--like being bullied in middle school (“It was brutal,” she said) and going through a painful divorce--helped her bounce back in her career as well. “I just believe in comebacks,” said Ms. Krawcheck, who recently founded Ellevest, an online investment platform for women. “I see these setbacks as part of a journey and not a career-ending failure. There was nothing they could do to me on Wall Street that was as bad as seventh grade.”

* Support Others. Resilience studies show that people are more resilient when they have strong support networks of friends and family to help them cope with a crisis. But you can get an even bigger resilience boost by giving support.

In a 2017 study of psychological resilience among American military veterans, higher levels of gratitude, altruism and a sense of purpose predicted resiliency.

“Any way you can reach out and help other people is a way of moving outside of yourself, and this is an important way to enhance your own strength,” said Dr. Southwick. “Part of resilience is taking responsibility for your life, and for creating a life that you consider meaningful and purposeful. It doesn’t have to be a big mission--it could be your family. As long as what you’re involved in has meaning to you, that can push you through all sorts of adversity.”

* Take Stress Breaks. Times of manageable stress present an opportunity to build your resilience. “You have to change the way you look at stress,” said Jack Groppel, co-founder of the Johnson & Johnson Human Performance Institute, which recently began offering a course on resilience.

The key, Dr. Groppel said, is to recognize that you will never eliminate stress from your life. Instead create regular opportunities for the body to recover from stress--just as you would rest your muscles between weight lifting repetitions. Taking a walk break, spending five minutes to meditate or having lunch with a good friend are ways to give your mind and body a break from stress.

* Go Out of Your Comfort Zone. Resilience doesn’t just come from negative experience. You can build your resilience by putting yourself in challenging situations. Dr. Groppel is planning to climb Mount Kilimanjaro with his son. Take an adventure vacation. Run a triathlon. Share your secret poetry skills with strangers at a poetry slam.

“There is a biology to this,” said Dr. Charney. “Your stress hormone systems will become less responsive to stress so you can handle stress better. Live your life in a way that you get the skills that enable you to handle stress.”