#so we can stop say Usagi is an abuser maybe?

[genericruleroftheflies]

I’m so serious this is such a good dramatic moment.

Dare I say it saves Usagi’s character

(besides him just being funny to me personally)

Like he actually goes through a mini-character arc of experiencing guilt at the thought he might have been forcing Misaki into their relationship the whole time.

I don’t think he ever considered having possibly done that until Sumi brings it up (while also forcibly coming onto Usami…)

Meanwhile Misaki is like “Why isn’t he saying he loves me all the time anymore?! Why isn’t he harassing me?! Did he stop being gay?!?!?” And saying to Usagi like “You said he wanted to lock me up yesterday but now you want me to move out what the hell?!”

Anyway, they do work it out in the end. Misaki asserts that he hasn’t been forced.

Misaki was way more worried Usagi hated him, because he was somehow causing him trouble (with family, with work, in life, or by being him) while Usagi was worried that he was forcing Misaki and therefore hurting him.

And lowkey it’s kinda cute that when Usagi admits that’s the issue that Misaki is like “Is it okay if I assume that’s why you have been being so weird?” because he is glad Usagi doesn’t hate him.

Also to continue my in defense of Usagi train… when Misaki says worrying about having possibly forced him is pointless, Usagi replies it’s not pointless. So, he actually really does place importance on not hurting Misaki or doing anything that would cause him to lose him.

Or at least that’s fully established (and/or recontextualized by this point in the manga)

[queersturbate]

ryōhei arisu is autistic

usually, since im autistic myself, all I would have to say is dude trust me but ive gathered some evidence anyway

major alice in borderland spoilers

1. we can see him have meltdowns in episode 1 and 4. In episode one, the meltdown is brief and stopped pretty quickly, as everything is happening very fast. karube decides to put all the pressure on Arisu to save them. Karube is leaning over Arisu who has back himself up against a wall when he starts to feel overwhelmed, he gets up and thrashes to get out all the baddness~ (similar to stimming)

in episode four when he had just lost karube and chota in a very traumatic way he gets picked up by Usagi and when he wakes up and he works himself up into a very bad meltdown, he keeps repeating that he has to apologize to them and he's repeatedly banging his head on the ground. keep in mind that everyones meltdowns look different- autistic people with abusive family, like arisu, often have small, quick meltdowns so they won't get abused for having an intense meltdown (my meltdowns are 100% unnoticeable)

2. Arisu happy/focus stims in a lot of unnoticeable ways, i think he probably has learned to subdue his stims because of his family, he probably even has tried to stop stimming completely but it's almost impossible to do so. Here's one point where he happy stims (pushes his knees up and rocks, i stim like that so it was cool to see)

3. Arisu exclusively wears comfortable clothing, he wears plain (maybe with a little writing or a simple pattern) t-shirts most of the time he has a thin jacket over, he wears capris pants or shorts. at the end of the season he wears a button up shirt but it looks soft and with a nice texture. He never wears anything with a rough or uncomfortable texture- like jeans- and never wears anything constricting they're always loose fitting

4. his special interest is video games. this doesn't need much of an explanation I mean it's just what it is, he spends every chance he gets playing video games, like when he's walking and no one is answering him so he starts playing a game- he also gets excited when Usagi asks what an online game is- he wants to info dump and is about to but quickly stops as she looks uninterested

5. he also has a tough time in social situations and cannot always read social cues and doesn't know social norms- when he is with karube and chota- people he has known since he was a lot younger- he is much more relaxed and himself. When in a new group of people or around a new person he often goes temporarily nonverbal- shaking his no and nodding yes primarily. Like when he is with Hatter- he rarely responds to him only saying 2 very quick sentences while the rest of it is him staring and shaking his head (there are actually a lot of instances where he does this im not gonna name everyone of them)

and when he goes to talk to the two girls he is very blunt and doesn't read social cues- yelling out "i wasn't trying to hit on you!!" very loudly as they ran away from him- he can also be very blunt about a lot of things and it often gets him berated or the shit beat out of him. He means no harm with this bluntness, seeing nothing wrong with saying these things. Of course- if it's chota or karube, they dont mind his bluntness- like when Chota has a burned leg and they were theorizing the possibility of the universe they were in was VR. arisu says that VR cant make such a bad injury, chuckling to himself, seeing it as a joke he made. No one else laughed. Also a social norm that he doesn't seem to think about- when Usagi gave him her water bottle to drink he immediately offers it to the two strangers theyre with without asking her first (also an example of his hyper empathy which he shows a lot of throughout the season). he also has "odd" reactions to things in general. Compare his reactions to everyones reactions to everything in the season- you'll see what I mean

6. he can also go into hyperfocused mode (a side note: I believe he has a eidetic memory- as you can see in episode one where he is in hyperfocus mode and he remembers the evacuation map perfectly- which I know eidetic memories haven't been proven to be a thing per se but as they study it- it is commonly found in autistic people) which you can see during the games or when someone is telling him important information- for example episode one:

7. this one is short but it stuck out to me a lot- he is extremely touchy with karube and chota. he is always hugging them and reaching out to grab them, stuff like that but he looks extremely uncomfortable when someone else touches him and he doesn't touch anyone unless he absolutely needs to like life or death situations

in conclusion <3 arisu is autistic (and nonbinary) and you cant say he isn't because i literally gave you evidence and im autistic and nonbinary

[koreaweeb]

Marionette - Home (2)

@underc0vercryptid-reads @laraplisetski @omegahighendpro @thooo0t

TW: SWEARING, VIOLENCE, SEXUAL VIOLENCE, SEXUAL CONTENT

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After he was shot down, Chishiya found refuge behind a car while Arisu was hiding behind another just across from him. He really should have made sure that Niragi died back at the hotel. Now, karma was coming back to bite him. 

As he checked his own wound, Chishiya was listening to Niragi rant. He talked about how the three of them present were similar to each other: unable to adapt to society, selfish, no touch with reality yet they desired the real world experience. How sad was his life to be boiled down to a few words?

A battle royale was to ensue between the three, and Chishiya was oddly intrigued. 

Not Arisu, however.

“Stop it, Niragi! What good will come of this?” he shouted. “Stop involving others in your own self-abandonment!”

Arisu’s words struck a chord in Chishiya. 

Self-abandonment...was that what he had been doing this whole time?

All the things he did, he thought it was because he did not care enough but all this time, it was because he was abandoning himself? What exactly was he doing here? 

“I’m just doing what I want to do!” Niragi said. “You two are the same! Whenever you open your mouth, it’s just me! Me! Me! For people like us, it has always been all about ourselves. 

“We continually stare death in its face and survive. We’ve experienced countless deaths, and we feel like we know everything. Does that make us smart? No. We’re just pieces of trash who’ll never grow up. No way it’s for someone else’s sake! The only thing that’s certain for people like us is our worthless ego! We can never change, so the only thing to do is embrace it!”

“You’re right…” Arisu said, his voice just about loud enough for them to hear. “For pieces of trash like us, a shootout amongst ourselves might be perfectly apt. That’s why, right here, we have to change.”

Niragi’s words hit close to home. Everything he did, up until this point, had only been for himself. Chishiya had been selfish from the get go, but somewhere along the way, something changed. Niragi was wrong. They were not similar after all. Because Chishiya met Kurenai. 

She showed him that even in a world of desolation, there was light. In her, he saw the change he wanted to make. Self-preservation, yet at the same time saving as many as she could. That was the type of person Kurenai was, the person he should become for her. For himself. 

Arisu was right. They were pieces of trash, but right here, right now, they should change. 

Refusing to participate in this sick battle royale, Arisu stood up from his hiding spot and put his gun down. Chishiya watched him, though distracted when someone else unexpectedly joined. 

“Usagi…”

“What are you guys doing?” Usagi asked, shocked to see Niragi alive while Chishiya was hurt. 

“It’s you…” Niragi slowly raised his rifle, pointing it at Usagi. “Because of you, this kid will never come to our side. If you disappear, the three of us will return to being the same. I don’t want to be alone anymore!”

Bang! Bang!

Two distinct gunshots went off. 

The first was from Arisu, shooting Niragi down. The second gunshot came from Niragi pulling the trigger. But he did not hit Usagi as intended. He did not hit her, because she was pushed out of the way by Chishiya. 

“Chishiya!”

Rushing over to his side, both Arisu and Usagi were shocked that of all people, he would have stood to protect her. As he collapsed on the ground, however, there was only one thing on his mind. He knew he was done for, this time. His body moved before he could think it through, and he did not know why. Maybe he did. Maybe it was because of what Arisu said before…

“The bleeding is not stopping,” Usagi said, trying to tie a tourniquet around his abdomen. 

“There’s likely internal damage. Without the proper facilities in Borderland, I probably have a few hours left, maybe half a day.”

“Why...Why did you protect me?” Usagi asked. “That’s very unlike you.”

“Maybe I just wanted to be unlike myself,” Chishiya smiled.

They went silent for a moment. 

“You said you wanted to talk before, what was it?” Arisu asked.

“I used to view humans as foolish beings. I despised the sincere ones, and I couldn’t help but berate those who put in all their effort. I couldn’t stop the psychological abuse, I couldn’t get by without hurting someone, I couldn’t help shunning people’s good will and intentions. I was probably jealous...they were things I didn’t have. For what purpose do I live? Whose purpose? To what end? It was like I existed to show just how empty a human can be…”

Was that why he chose Arisu to sacrifice? Because he was jealous of the effort Arisu was willing to put in just to survive. What a sad excuse…

“Arisu…” Chishiya called out, his voice weak as his life was draining. “If you see Kurenai, could you please tell her…Never mind, she knows.”

Moving both Chishiya and Niragi somewhere more comfortable, Arisu and Usagi left to participate in the last game. They had no idea what would happen if they were to clear the game, but they had hopes that it would bring them back to the real world. Then Chishiya and Niragi would have a chance at living. 

Closing his eyes, Chishiya let out a soft sigh. 

What was the last thing he said to Kurenai before they parted? Did he tell her he loved her? Surely she knew he did. He had plenty of regrets, though if he were to die here right now, his biggest regret would be not seeing her. 

His light in the darkness. 

He had no idea how much time had passed, though he had been in and out of consciousness. He had been trying to hold on but it was getting harder by the minute. That was when he felt someone holding his hand, and pressing their ear to his chest. Chishiya smiled. 

It was her. 

“Hey…” he whispered.

“Hey,” she replied. “We meet again.” 

She was crying, and he did not even have the strength to wipe her tears for her. “Sorry I couldn’t keep my promise.” 

“Don’t say that,” she cried. “Please don’t say that...you promised you will stay alive. Don’t be another liar.”

“Kurenai, when we get back to the real world...let’s date.”

With a soft laugh and a smile, Kurenai nodded. “Let’s date.”

He felt at ease just having her with him. Using whatever strength he had left, Chishiya squeezed her hand as hard as he could. She squeezed right back. And for God knew how long, she stayed with him, holding his hand while laying her head on his chest. 

“Congratulations, with the last game cleared, players have now cleared all games.” The long awaited announcement. Arisu did it. “All surviving players, please individually answer the following. From now until forever, you have the right to continue these death matches as a citizen of Borderland in the next games with permanent residency. You now have the choice to accede or abdicate the position. Will you accept it or refuse it?”

“I refuse.”

As soon as they refused, a bright light shined in the sky and everything blacked out.

[devinescribe]

[Hide]

Chishiya × Reader

Warnings: swearing, violence, blood (it's Alice in Borderland, we're you expecting anything different?), abuse (none done by Chishiya towards you), harassment  (again, not done by Chishiya towards you), mentions of past scars (not sh)

"I don't want to hide, please I'm so tired of hiding!"

You had lived a life of pain. You didn't know why. All you knew was your father and mother were cruel. They constantly manipulated your emotions, guilting you for certain things, and punishments that weren't deserved. Because of this, you had grown up to be resilient and learned to not take that treatment from anyone. Although the scars and burns never healed, you used them as cautionary tales. So, when you got dragged into the games, and learned a bit more about the world, you learned a couple things. 1, you can't hide from death. 2, hide the feelings you have for people. 3, try not to get to close to anyone as they could leave you in the blink of an eye.

So, just like you used to hide back then, you hide now.

Eventually, you found a place called the Beach. A safe haven for all players of the game, as long as all rules were followed. You had a formed a sort of relationship with Chishiya. You craved the praise of someone who you thought was better, the soft touches that you never got, and he craved the control he got. He hadn't hurt you. And he wouldn't. You broke your rules for him, seeing maybe it wasn't so bad.

But soon the sweet praises and soft touches turned to cold glances, and silence. You felt broken. You had never been made of glass, but when he stopped talking to you, you shattered. You didn't know if you were even allowed to feel that way, as you and Chishiya had never established what you were. Friends with benefits? You thought he cared. But you assumed he didn't because of his recent treatment.

"No thank you. I'd rather not," you said when a boy came up to you, obviously drunk asking you to go back to his hotel room. "Come on, I can show you a good time~" he slurred, stumbling closer. "No. You're drunk, and you're really not my type," you repeated, taking the shot of tequila in front of you. Suddenly, he grabbed your arm. "Let me go, what  the fuck!" You shouted, trying to get away. No one batted an eye, this being a normal occurrence at the beach. You quickly and harshly kicked him in the stomach. He doubled over, throwing up on the floor. You took your chance and kicked him in the head repeatedly. "Learn some fucking respect, and maybe girls would like you!" You shouted, switching to kicking his stomach. Your got tugged into someone. "Calm down," you heard a voice say from behind you. You knew who it was. "Don't you think you can fucking tell me what to do. Go manipulate some other girl's feelings," you retorted, fighting against him. "I never did such a thing. And calm down," he whispered into your ear, tracing his hands down your arms. "Don't fucking touch me," you spat, breaking free from his grip. You walked out of the hotel bar, making a beeline to your room.

      "Chishiya, stop following me. You're not getting anything, and I only had one shot, so you can't do anything," you said, knowing he followed you. "I just want to talk. And make sure you don't kill anyone," he said. You could hear his smirk, and even though he was behind you, you could see his eyes spark in joy at the thought of annoying you. "Talk about what?" You asked, walking towards your door. He followed as you got to your door. "I can't tell you out here. In private," he said. You sighed, turning to face him. "Fine. You come into my room, tell me what it is, and you leave after we talk," you said sternly, opening the door to your room. He walked in behind you,walking into the room as you closed the door.

   "What do you want to talk about?" You asked, putting on a hoodie and sitting on your bed. "Well... I have a plan. And I thought you'd want to hear it," he said. You sighed, and nodded, telling him to go on.

"And that's the plan so far. And with the newcomer, he can be the perfect pawn for us to play with, my queen," Chishiya ended, grabbing your hands. You pulled them away from him. "That hurt," he said sarcastically. "Good. And don't call me that. You made it perfectly clear you don't love me or want anything to do with me,'' you stated. He looked at you in confusion. "What do you mean? I thought I was making it clear that you intrigued me, and I liked spending time with you? Obviously or else I wouldn't have done all those things with you," he said, getting closer. "Oh yeah, I totally could tell when you stopped any and all interaction with me right after it, and started glaring at me from halfway across the room," you said, anger becoming more apearant in your tone. He mentally made a note of not doing that to you anymore, and to note your trust issues (yes, I'm calling you out) "(Y/N), I didn't... I just remembered the rules I had set for myself. To not fall in love in the games, because I would only end up getting hurt, and to worry for only my own safety. You... you changed that, and I...  I got thrown off by it, ok?" He said, sitting next to you on the bed. It was true. Because after spending so much time with you, he started worrying about you and how your games were going. If you had gotten hurt, or worse died. It scared him to feel that much for another person as he was a pretty apathetic person. "I-if that's true then why didn't you just tell me?" You stuttered, feeling his body heat next to you. You refused to look over to him, feeling the bed shift besides you. "I already told you why... didn't you listen?" He whispered into your ear. You shivered at this, scooting away. "I-i said we would talk and nothing else," you said, trying to change the subject, reminding yourself what you had said more than anything. "Let me... take care of you... And show you how much I love you..." he cooed into your ear. His words were saccharine sweet, dripping like honey into your ear. "B-but then... then you'll leave me alone again," you whispered, scooting to the top of the bed, your shoulder against the headboard. Chishiya listened to you, looking at how you had curled yourself up next to the headboard. "You look so cute like this..." he said, curling up behind you. He wrapped his arms around you, and you flinched when he began tracing your scars. His hands worked up to the hem of your hoodie. You panicked, before remembering you still had your swimsuit on. "You must want something more. You're being to nice," you said, not pulling away or moving. A part of you wanted him to stay. To hold you and make you feel loved. But another part of you wanted him to leave. "I don't want anything. I just want you," he whispered into your ear. He pushed up the sleeves of your hoodie, and began kissing the scars that littered your skin. (I KISSED THE SCARS ON HER SKIN- Ok, I'll stop) He knew you hadn't done them to yourself. He knew what your parents had done, and had found it disgusting. Not the scars they had left, but the love they didn't give, and the actions they took. "You're so beautiful..." he mumbled against your skin. "Chishiya, if you're trying to get me to sleep with you, it's not going to work. If that's all you want then leave," you whispered back. "But I don't want that... Well, I do, but it's not all I want. I want to be with you," he said. You turned over to look at him. "You're serious about this?" You asked. He nodded. "Ok... I'll trust you. And I'll help you and Kuina with the plan," you answered. He smiled, and held you tightly. "Good. Only thing is, no one can know, ok? Just like before. My pretty little sercret," he whispered. You nodded, curling up into him, your face nuzzled into his chest. ((Y/N), you really switching up-) He knew you had bad nightmares about the past, and what the future could be. You had told him all about them. So, he knew you might wake up in the middle of the night.

You had woken up, looking around, finding your bed empty. The tears that had filled your eyes while you slept, had returned, rolling down your face. "I-i knew it... should've known better," you whimpered into the dark, quiet room. You let quiet cries excape your mouth as you held onto the blanket tightly. "(Y/N)?" You heard a voice asked tiredly. "C-chishiya?" You asked, drying your tears. "What's wrong? Did you have a nightmare?" He questioned, getting back in the bed with you. You nodded. "You had... you had left me alone. Again. And no matter where you were, you would ignore me, and then I woke up, and you weren't here andb i-i th-," you tried to explain your dream before crying harder. The feeling of misery and cold you had felt because of the dream was still present. You had become invisible to the person whom you loved most. "I'm not leaving you now, or ever. Ok? Never leaving you alone again."

(The touch starved in me is screaming-)

Time skip

Chishiya had been extremely strict with no one knowing of the relationship. You two would just look like friends. But he most certainly didn't let you hug, hold, or give him affection in front of people. "If we hide it, it's better for us. No one knows. Like... a game of hide and seek. Except no one knows how to seek for us because of how well we hide." His words lingered on your mind. You had felt like a child when he explained it to you in that way. Of course, Kuina was the only person who knew of the relationship. You were tired of hiding.

"Chishiya... I'm tired of hiding," you muttered to him. "(Y/N), just a bit longer. And then you won't be in danger, alright?" He said back.

The plan had been put into motion the day Hatter died. You flinched when Niragi kicked Arisu, and grabbed onto Chishiya's sleeve. He shook you off, giving you a warning tap on your arm. You knew what that meant. 'Don't do that, too many people.' You flinched, hearing Usagi scream for Arisu, it all becoming to much like the memories you had. You closed your eyes, trying to ignore it. You had to work your way down from a panic attack, ignoring the noise, ignoring the scene.

"Chishiya, please can we talk?" You whispered to him as you guys walked back to your room. "Once we're in private," he whispered back. "Oi, Chishiya, where'd you think you're going?" Niragi's voice called from behind you two. "No where. Do you need something?" Chishiya asked. You whined, thinking you were being quiet, when really it was audible to both men. "Yeah, (Y/N). She can come with me for a while, don't you think?" Niragi smirked, watching Chishiya for any shift of emotion. "We were actually going to go talk about something important, so no," Chishiya answered back, leading you away.

Later that night is when chaos ensued. The ten of hearts game. Chishiya had taken both you and Kuina up to the surveillance room. You watched as countless people died. You heard their screams and gun shots, and flinched. You held onto Chishiya tightly, hoping you survived. Soon, Kuina left, going to help someone.

"Chishiya, what do we do?" You asked, watching as he looked through the drawers of the room. "We aren't doing anything. I am going out there, and I'm going to try and burn the witch. You stay put, and hide," he said, looking around. The words you had been hearing your whole life. 'Hide.' You had begun to hate it. "I don't want to hide, please I'm so tired of hiding! I've had to hide my whole life from everything! I even had to hide our relationship, please don't make me hide again!" You yelled at him. He stared at you, before picking you up, and setting you on the desk. "For once in your life, listen to me!" He yelled back, a fear in his tone that was almost undetectable. You flinched at his voice being so loud. "I-im sorry, I didn't mean it like that... Just, stay put. I'll be back for you after I take out the biggest threat to us, which is Niragi. I have a suspicion on who the witch is. I promise I'll be back," Chishiya said, giving you a quick kiss to the forehead. You looked down, before nodding. "But you better come back for me. I won't hide forever you know."

I'm sorry it's so short! And I'm sorry if he's OOC, we are learning ok-

[dershloopmain]

End Of Everything - Chapter 2

‘’Jesus,’’ Casey said, looking down at the broken fence with multiple zombies, all in different states of living, tried to claw their way out of their barbed wire and wooden confines.

‘’Tell me about it. I knew they were dumb but I thought they were supposed to have dope eyesight? Doesn't look like it to me,’’’ Raph scoffed, pulling his own splintering baseball bat out of his bag, poking the arm of the closest trapped zombie.

‘’Won’t Donnie want a sample for his tests? Don't poke em too much what if they come free you ass!”

‘’They won't come free! I dunno I thought he was good for all that.’’

‘’I dunno either but shouldn't we at least ask him? Besides, we need the help,’’ Casey said with a shrug, ‘’and stop poking em Raph!’’

‘’What? You can ask him, but if I show my face in that lair before this is done, Leo will end my life so you’re going,’’ Raph said, pulling back from the undead recipient of his abuse.

‘’Fine, I’ll go alone then.’’

‘’Don’t say it like that you’re making it seem like you're going out into a haunted forest. You just gotta drop down the sewer pipe and walk like 100 feet then you’re at the turnstiles.’’

‘’I know! I also know I am, just as susceptible to Leo’s… whatever we’re calling them.’’

‘’First of all, when did you learn such a big word Jones and second just text him then you big dope,’’ Raph rolled his eyes, turning back to his undead victims, beginning to poke and prod at their bodies.

‘’I said stop fuckin’ poking em dude!’’ Casey said, pushing Raph away from the fence with his foot as he tapped out a text to Donnie, ‘’And it's surprising what hanging with D all day makes you learn.’’

‘’Hey! Rude. They're not gonna hurt anyone they're stuck as anything in there. Besides, I’ve been hanging with Don for years, you won't get smarter in a couple of months. Half his ramblings are gibberish at this point,’’ Raph said, sitting up and continuing to poke the zombie. Casey rolled his eyes, realising he wasn't going to win this.

‘’I dunno. I guess I just actually pay attention to him,’’ Casey said with a glare.

‘’Oh sorry,’’ Raph said with a sarcastic high pitched tone, ‘’What is he your boyfriend now? Why’re you getting so defensive?’’ Casey shot another glare at Raph, ‘’Yikes, touchy subject then. I’ll support you no matter what bro, and if you wanna kiss some time, just let me know,’’ Raph said, standing and pouting his lips while moving towards his friend.

‘’Dude stop it,’’ Casey laughed, pushing Raph back, ‘’No he isn’t either I’m just saying, maybe you’d be less of a bone head if you actually listened to him.’’

‘’Nice to know I’ve still got a chance with you then,’’ Raph said with a smirk, ‘’And who are you calling ‘bonehead’ Casey Jones, you’ve got more skull than cells.’’

‘’Alright alright I get it you’re gay for me, its hard not to be, just don't let Mona hear or she will kill both of us. I’m also just gonna ignore that last part but what I said still stands you’re a bonehead.’’

‘’I show you bone head,’’ Raph said, diving at Casey and tackling him to the ground, locking him in a headlock, ‘’Say I'm not a bonehead and I’ll let you go.’’ He said with a smile.

‘’Never!’’

‘’Well then, I hope you like the taste of dirt and sweat because I ain’t moving until you say it!’’

‘’Children, children, come on stop it,’’ Donnie said, rolling his eyes as he pulled himself out of the sewer. Raph looked up at his brother and smiled, allowing Casey a moment to flip Raph up and off of him. He landed on the dusty, cracked tarmac with a shout of surprise, before huffing and pulling himself and Casey up off of the floor, ‘’Now then. What’s the problem?’’

‘’We need help and Case was wondering if you needed new samples to test,’’ Raph said, pointing at the hole in the fence and multiple zombies clawing at the floor in an attempt to pull themselves free and feast on the 3’s flesh.

‘’Right… I’m guessing Leo said you couldn't have help right? That’s why you texted me?’’

‘’Yup.’’

‘’Thought so,’’ Donnie said softly with a small grimace on his face. A grimace that didn't go unnoticed by Casey and Raph. Nothing was said regarding it but yet… they all understood. A silent yet ever-present cloud hung over them all but not a word was said. Raph cleared his throat.

‘’Right then,’’ He spoke, rubbing his hands together readily, ‘’Let’s get on with it.’’ With that, the moment was over and the cloud disappeared, however not completely. It still loomed over them, threatening to take over their beings at any point. Donnie and Casey nodded, pulling their splintering boe staff and baseball bat out respectively and begun to shift the monsters, pushing them back from a safe distance.

‘’How long have our defences been compromised?’’ Donnie said, straightening up and letting out a deep breath.

‘’Not sure,’’ Raph said, copying his brother, ‘’But they’re really stuck in there so it must’ve been at least a couple of days. Probably longer.’’

‘’Why did Leo only send you two to do this?’’

‘’Your guess is as good as mine. He probably still hates me because of what happened.’’

‘’He can’t be still hung up on that. It’s been 3 months.’’

‘’I know,’’ Raph let out a shaky sigh, lifting his hand and pinching the bridge of his nose, ‘’He's not the only one who lost someone important though. We all lost something but we aren't all tyrannical megalomaniacs.’’

‘’You know how close Usagi and he were though. You can’t be mad at him for missing him.’’

‘’It’s past ‘missing him’. Fuck, I miss Mona too but it’s not my fault it happened I just- I just hate that I can't stop loving him. He's my brother, no matter what he does to me. I nearly died on that supply run, if it weren't for Casey I wouldn't be here but… no matter how mad it makes me I can’t stay mad at him,’’ Raph bit his tongue, his shoulders sinking in defeat, ‘’I’d do anything to get him back.’’

‘’I know Raph. I know,’’ Donnie said softly, moving towards his brother and wrapping his arms around him, rubbing his shell comfortingly. Casey didn’t say a word, he only followed Donnie’s lead and wrapped his own arms around his friend.

‘’Fuck me, man, there's something about the apocalypse that's making us all sappy,’’ Casey laughed, pulling an arm away from Raph and wrapping it around Donnie, who evidently also wasn't taking the entire situation well, but was just a lot worse at talking about it. He could tell from the turtle's physique that it’d taken a toll on him. Initially, while he had always been relatively thin, any muscle mass he had had before was gone, leaving nothing but skin, bone and organs. The eye bags Donnie had always sported seemed deeper and more rooted in weeks of sleepless nights rather than days of late nights and early mornings. His face was sallow and thin, his cheekbones protruding through his skin, almost pushing to escape their green confines. But he never said a word. Not to him. Not to Mikey or Raph. Not even to April. He was a silent sufferer, he wouldn't say a word to anyone but yet everyone knew. One of these days, Casey thought, he was going to have a proper conversation with Donnie. A proper talk. Even back before all this, they hadn’t been insanely close. Always at war over something or other yet something drew Casey to Donnie. He wasn't sure what yet but he’d figure it out. Eventually.

‘’Guys you do realise there's still zombies literal centimetres from us,’’ Donnie said, glazing towards the green-grey decaying hand reaching out for Raph’s ankle.

‘’Oh shit yeah,’’ Raph and Casey said in unison, pulling away and starring down at the writhing mass.

‘’How are we gonna move ‘em then?’’ Raph said, pulling a broken hockey stick out of Casey’s bag and poking the creatures again.

‘’My God Raph you’re like a 6-year-old. Stop. Poking. The. Fucking. Zombies!’’ Casey said angrily, ripping the hockey stick out of his hand and shoving them firmly back into his bag.

‘’Well, by the looks of things,’’ Donnie said, crouching down and levering the creatures up using his staff, ‘’They’ve been impaled by the fence. Pushing them back is just going to lodge them in even more and break the fence even more. We need to create some kind of lever system to lift them up so we can push them off the fence and out of our perimeter,’’ He stood up again, stretching his legs out and giving them a small shake, before looking over at Raph and Casey.

‘’This is why you’re the brain’s and I’m the brawn D,’’ Casey said, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and pushing him down into a headlock.

‘’Cut it out Casey,’’ Donnie said indignantly, squirming in an attempt to get out of Casey’s arms.

‘’Yeah Casey, cut it out. We gotta sort this out before ‘Nardo throws his rattle out his pram,’’ Raph rolled his eyes and Casey grimaced, loosening his grip and allowing Donnie to pull himself free.

Without another word, Donnie pulled a small toolbox out of his bag and placed it on the floor not too far from the creatures writhing in the barbed wire and jagged wood. Opening the box gently, he pulled out a small, clean-looking glass syringe and a neatly folded wet wipe.

‘’Ok,’’ He said finally, ‘’I need you two, and its imperative that you listen and do exactly as I say because I’m your only hope for a cure and if I get turned you’re all doomed so,’’ Donnie pointed at the pile of zombies, ‘’hold them down and away from me. But under no circumstances are you to do ANYTHING that could kill that one. If they die, their sample will be tarnished and it won't be effective,’’ He finished, a stern and serious expression on his face.

‘’Got it, Don,’’ Raph said, walking towards the pile and pushing his foot down onto the head of the creature Donnie had said, ‘’Casey, can you hold the others back while try and sort this one out?’’

‘’I’ll try,’’ He said sheepishly, looking down at the 3 or so other zombies laying at his feet before quickly composing himself and beginning to use his hockey stick to lift them up and pushing them back and away from his friends and home. Stepping over the barbed wire and broken fencing, he jammed his hockey stick back into his bag and pulled the splintering bat out, moving towards the now free pile of freaks.

‘’You want me to kill em, D?’’

‘’Can do,’’ Donnie said flatly, not looking up from his test subject.

‘’Uh- You know what never mind I’ll just kill em,’’ Casey said, swinging his bat in a downward arch, smashing the creatures’ skulls in, killing them all instantaneously. Mushy brain and dark, viscous blood splattered on his sneakers and jeans, coating them in another layer of grit and grime. He had to admit, the idea that these were once living people was disturbing to him. They’d once had lives, jobs, families and friends. They’d been like him once. Alive and free. Would everyone have bashed his skull in if he’d been infected? Or would he have been corralled and used as a test subject for Donnie to find a cure? He hoped the latter but… He wasn’t sure. After what’d happened, he wasn’t sure Leo would’ve been insanely happy with the idea of keeping zombies in the lair, especially not him. Being low on the hierarchy had its perks but not having Leo on his side in regards to anything was not one of them. He sighed, shaking the viscera off of his shoes and bat before stepping back into the borders of their home.

‘’Nearly done Don?’’ Casey said, crouching near him. He glanced over at his

‘’Nearly and… there we go done,’’ Donnie said, wiping the mucus and deep red blood from the small wound he’d just created, smiling at his work.

‘’Why’d you wipe it after. They’re dead their entire body is infected,’’ Raph said, removing his foot from the creatures head and letting Donnie back up before dropping its arms and dashing around to the other side of the fence.

‘’Force of habit,’’ Donnie said quietly, clearly uncomfortable with what was about to happen.

‘’We have to do it, Don, I know you don’t like it but we do,’’ Raph said, walking over to his brother and putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. Donnie looked away, gently placing the syringe into a ziplock back and putting it back into his toolbox.

‘’I know you do I just- I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing them be killed. They used to alive and through no fault of their own, now they’re monsters I- I don't know how much more of this excessive violence and murder I can take,’’ Donnie said, his eyes filling up with tears.

‘’Hey, hey don’t get upset. Crying’s healthy and all but if you start, I’ll start and even Raph might start- hey ow!’’ Casey exclaimed, whipping around and shooting Raph a death glare. Raph snorted, a mischievous smirk plastered on his face. Donnie laughed, wiping away yet another batch of unshed tears.

‘’Sorry it just… gets a little much at times,’’ Donnie shook his head, rubbing his elbow nervously.

‘’Don’t apologise for having emotions you big dummy,’’ Raph said, walking to stand next to Casey, ‘’I gotta say, me and Casey aren’t exactly peachy. I doubt Mikey and April are either. Don’t even get me started on Leo. It’s ok to feel like this Don, just stop bottling it up. That’s where it’s not healthy.’’

‘’I can’t believe for once WE are the one's schooling Donnie,’’ Casey said, crossing his arms and shaking his head jokingly. Raph rolled his eyes, as did Donnie.

‘’Now the sentimental shit’s over, let’s just finish up here and go down, I seriously doubt ‘Nardo is gonna be happy with how long we’ve been,’’ Raph said, trying not to think about what was inevitably to come.

‘’Tell me about it. D, we’ll deal with the creature and you can like, close your eyes and ears if that’ll help, then we’ll get started on the fence,’’ Casey said, trying to add an air of enthusiasm to his voice to bring up the mood, however, even he could tell it wasn’t working.

‘’Sure,’’ Donnie said, walking back to the manhole cover and looking away, covering his ears as Raph and Casey pulled out their respective weapons and began pulling the zombie out of the barbed wire and splintering wood, replacing it out onto the dusty street. Then, Raph stepped towards the thing that was slowly attempting to crawl back towards them and slammed his sai down into its head, cracking its skull and killing it, once and for all. He felt the vibrations up his arm as the metal of his sai clashed with the concrete, causing him to shiver a little, before pulling himself up and shaking the remnants of blood and brain off of his sai.

‘’Ok D, all done,’’ Casey shouted over, turning around to his friend and giving him a reassuring smile, who offered a small, shaky smile in return.

With that, Raph tucked his sai away and stepped over what was leftover of the small portion of the fence.

‘’You got any nails in that thing Donnie?’’ Raph asked, gesturing at the toolbox.

‘’I should have a few, I brought some hammers too, I figured you two wouldn't have remembered to bring any with you,’’ Donnie said, opening the toolbox and pulling out a handful of nails and handing them to Casey, before pulling his backpack around so it hung over one shoulder and rummaging through it for a couple of seconds before pulling out 3 relatively clean hammers and handing one to each of them.

‘’Well then, let's get to it,’’ Raph said, swinging the hammer around and grabbing a couple of nails from Casey’s outstretched hand, before picking up one of the wooden boards and beginning to bash it back into the wooden post that protruded from the tarmac. Casey and Donnie soon followed suit, before finally beginning to carefully pick up the barbed and wrap it around the makeshift fencing.

‘’That wasn’t so bad,’’ Raph said, grinning at their handiwork.

‘’Definitely a lot quicker with you here D,’’ Casey said, smiling at his friend.

‘’No problem Casey. I know how Leo can be, so just text me if you ever need help with anything. He already doesn't like you coming down to my lab. Thinks you’re stopping me from working or something,’’ Donnie said with a sigh.

‘’Well, I’m not gonna stop coming unless you tell me to. I don’t care what he thinks,’’ Casey said defiantly, putting his hands on his hips as if he were some hero.

‘’A real modern-day revolutionary you are Casey Jones,’’ Donnie said, rolling his eyes with a smirk.

‘’Should we head back? It’s getting cold,’’ Raph said, wrapping his arms around himself and rubbing them in an attempt to preserve any sort of body heat he could.

‘’Jesus it is. Must really be September,’’ Casey said, stuffing his hands deep into his hoody pockets.

Donnie nodded, flexing his fingers before pulling them back into a fist multiple times.

With that, the three headed towards the manhole cover and climbed down back into the sewer. It was surprising how much you learned about New York’s bathroom habits after 6 months of the apocalypse. Raph had always assumed that there’d always be greywater down here, no matter how many humans lived up top yet somehow, the sewers had run dry. Remains of final faeces and bathroom breaks lay dried up or non-existent along the floor of the sewer. It was almost impressive yet disturbing. The world really was ending. Or, as Donnie had put it ‘’Humanity's end as the dominant life force on earth’’.

‘’Bite your tongue Raph. If Leo says anything, don’t bite,’’ Donnie whispered as they hopped the turnstiles into the lair. Raph swallowed in a desperate attempt to dampen his dry tongue, failing miserably. He could feel his stomach turn in knots and any food he’d eaten in the last 24 hours was churning in his stomach, threatening to make a reappearance.

‘’Raphael,’’ Leo’s deep voice filled their ears, Raph flinched, ‘’I trust your supply run went well.’’

‘’Yeah. Got more medical supplies. There wasn’t much else we needed though so that was it.’’ ‘’What about our defences. Are they secure now?’’

‘’Yeah. Casey and Donnie helped me patch it back up so it should be fine.’’

‘’Donatello helped? I thought I told you that you and Casey were to do it alone.’’

‘’Yes, I know, I’m sorry but he was already up there to get another sample from the zombies and he had stuff on him to help so…’’ Raph trailed off, his eyes trained on the ground. He refused to look into Leo’s cold, uncaring eyes. If he did, he already knew he couldn't hold himself back.

‘’Hmm. Donatello? Is this what happened?’’

‘’Yes, Leo. I promise you, they didn’t ask me to help them. I asked them if I could come up to get a sample for my studies,’’ Donnie said sheepishly, looking up at Leo, trying his best not to let his fear be shown.

‘’Fine. I’ll believe you. You may all leave now.’’ Leo said plainly, glaring down at Casey and Raph, both of whom were starring at the ground still as they walked away, shoulders hunching slightly.

Leo nearly felt himself crack. He wanted to stop them, tell them he was sorry and wanted everything to go back to normal but… he couldn't. He couldn’t stop hating them for what happened. He couldn’t stop his blood from boiling every time he saw Raph walk past him to leave the lair. Maybe time would heal all wounds, but for now, he was perfectly content blaming and hating his younger brother for what he’d done. Not just because of what he'd lost. It's what all of them had lost. It was how reckless and immature Raph had been and HOW he'd caused it. All of it added up into a pit of rage that had been brewing for years. The number of times he'd been kidnapped or injured because of Raph's idiocy and complacency and arrogance. What had happened had broken him, the small, sane and happy, innocent part of him had snapped. Maybe if Usagi returned that part would be reconnected but… he knew that wouldn’t happen. It couldn’t happen. And it was all Raph’s fault.

[ariestarfairy]

who did it better

It’s the age-old debate, granted I’m a little bit late to the party but my thoughts are not. It’s the Who Did It Better? Sailor Moon Edition! The epic battle of moon versus moon! Now keep in mind no matter what I say it is just an opinion, I don’t expect everyone to agree with it, this is Sailor Moon after all, not science. Disagree but be civil alright? Before I start this I was watching Sailor Moon Classic and reading the Sailor Moon manga roughly side by side. When I say I was reading the manga I mean not the manga that you know as manga but little comic book versions that were done chapter by chapter. I want you to also know that I was watching the Classic dubbed version and the errors in the dubbed version translated to the comics as well so at least it was consistent. When I watched the Classic subtitled version I was also reading a better and truer version of the manga (and it was actually a manga) alongside it. So why bother telling you this? I want you to know that my assessment of Sailor Moon Classic and Sailor Moon Crystal are not coming from a place of 90s nostalgia. That’s what a lot of people tend to argue in these debates, and because Crystal follows the manga for what it’s worth I can’t be accused of having that 90s nostalgia for Classic. So let’s break down the categories. Story Art Music Mythos Character likability Character development Ability/Power Growth Pacing I think I have hit most of the categories that tend to come up in a lot of these debates so let's go through them one by one. In terms of story, Sailor Moon Classic takes this category. The reason why Classic takes it over Crystal has everything to do with the fact that Crystal’s story is little more than a regurgitation of the manga and not a very good one. I’d almost rather read the manga for the extra bits that Crystal leaves out, it might not seem important but those little bits add up when telling the story of Sailor Moon. The first story arc of Crystal was already rough, but it turned into a dumpster fire when they tried to execute the Shitennou romance with the Inner Senshi. Classic told it’s own story and I think the execution overall is much better, Crystal felt like it was all over the place, especially in the first two seasons. The third season was better by miles, but it tripped out of the gate when it should have come sprinting out of the gate making it feel like a weak cash grab. No doubt it is, much like it’s shounen brother Dragon Ball Super. In terms of art Sailor Moon Classic also takes this category. Okay so it is not always consistent and it is not up to present-day standards, but that would be an unfair comparison. Sailor Moon Classic came out in the 90 and Sailor Moon Crystal came out in the 20-teens. They ought to be judged based on the standards for their own time right? If I judged Classic against the manga then yes the manga would win, but this is anime vs anime here and the quality for Crystal was just far below what it should have been, the inconsistency is way more jarring than in Classic, and the CGI transformations were cheap and they took me out of the moment. Even season to season they have a hard time staying consistent with the animation, granted season 3 was again an improvement over one and two, but my understanding is that there will be more changes with season 4 (the movie releases). For the music category, Sailor Moon Classic takes it yet again. The only thing I like about Sailor Moon Crystal as far as the music goes is some of the orchestrated stuff, I think that is better than Classic, but overall none of the songs are memorable, none of the transformation music is memorable, most people immediately think Moonlight Densetsu when they think of Sailor Moon and I can honestly say that there was maybe one song I personally enjoyed from Crystal and that was Eternal Eternity. The rest of the OP and ED songs were just forgettable honestly. In the mythos category, finally Sailor Moon Crystal takes it home for the win with the help of the manga because I did think the mythos in the manga was handled better than in Crystal, but Crystal tried. We actually understand our enemies, we know their history, we know their real motivation. Just looking at the first arc of each story as an example in Crystal we learn that Beryl wasn’t just some evil entity without a cause for the sake of being one like in Classic. We understand why she was so enamored by Endymion, where it wasn’t really clear before. She was a witch from Earth who was in love with Endymion and heart broken when he fell in love with Princess Serenity. We learn that the Shitennou were once loyal to the Prince Endymion, but their minds were poisoned against him. We get to see the darker side of Serenity’s anguish over losing Endymion. And one thing I liked was when they actually went to the moon in order to learn all of this history as opposed to being ejected into a different dimension by Kunzite which was just strange. I also like that we learn that all of the Senshi are princesses in their own right and get their powers from their respective castles and they have their own gowns which are awesome and I hope to one day see in Crystal. So congrats to Crystal and the manga by extension for the mythos.   For character likability, Sailor Moon Crystal also takes this category (Crystal might be catching up). For whatever reason so many characters in Classic had their personalities altered to either extreme levels or shitty levels. Mamoru was a total dick and I can see why so many people dislike him, the Classic version of Mamoru was a real jerk especially in season one where he would make fun of Usagi’s weight and he was just borderline verbally abusive...well maybe not borderline, he was. Mamoru in the manga and in Crystal would never talk to Usagi or anyone that way, he may have teased her, but he was never cruel to her and you could see that he loved her much more in Crystal than you can see it in Classic. Usagi, don’t get me wrong I love Usagi, but it’s almost like she reboots every season, just about. We see her grow in one season and she’s just as immature, childish, and insecure in the next season. She’s far more mature in Crystal, even though she is clumsy and a bit of a crybaby at times, though when she grows she grows. Rei is just a straight up bitch in Classic and Chibi-Usa never stops being annoying, the only seasons I liked Chibi-Usa in were the seasons when she wasn’t there. She’s so much better in Crystal and in the manga, she and Usagi have a stronger bond and they care more for each other, and Chibi-Usa does what she can to cheer Usagi up as well. They are not opposing forces as much as they are in Classic. Michiru and Haruka are also woefully changed from the Crystal and manga version. In Crystal they want to work with and to the same ends as Sailor Moon and the others, Haruka desperately loves her princess and you can see how heartbroken she is when she can’t save her or when she fails her (especially in the manga). In the Classic they treat Sailor Moon and the others like they are in the way like they have to earn their respect, they often have different agendas from the Inner Senshi, and they come off as double agents too. Character development. Sorry, I have to hand this to Sailor Moon Classic, this is what I was dreading with Sailor Moon Crystal and anyone who has read the manga and is being honest with themselves should agree that the characters in Crystal and the manga are very much underdeveloped. Their histories, their personalities, their quirks are watered down and when you think you’ve gotten to know one character half a dozen more characters pop up to push them to the back burner. The Inner Senshi are quickly pushed aside when the Outer Senshi show up and you have even more Senshi show up in later arcs that the only characters you really get to know are Usagi, Mamoru, and Chibi-Usa. The others barely get a moment to shine. Ability and power growth goes to Sailor Moon Crystal. I always felt like the other Senshi were constantly lagging behind Sailor Moon in abilities, power growth, and transformations in Classic whereas they grow when Sailor Moon grows in Crystal so we get to see more abilities, transformations, and powers. Even Mamoru gets to be badass in a way that he wasn’t in Classic with his roses, he gets Tuxedo La Smoking Bomber which is pretty badass looking in spite of the name. Pacing is a tie! The pacing is pretty shitty for both of the shows, we can all agree on this much I think. Sailor Moon Classic was running alongside the manga so it kind of had an excuse, it had to have fillers so the manga could catch up. Still, it was stuffed with fillers, some of them I liked and they were fun, some of them were unnecessary and added nothing. Sailor Moon Crystal blows by really quickly, so fast you feel like you don’t get to know the characters very well, you don’t get a flushed out story, in fact, pacing contributes to the reason why Crystal fails in other categories and it kind of has the manga to thank for it. The Overall Winner is! Sailor Moon Classic!  

[keyofjetwolf]

Jet Wolf Summarizes Act 36

  The manga and I kind of hate each other. This is unfortunate, but still, I’m determined to come out of this with something. Rather than spend energy on a liveblog that’s increasingly negative, I’m reading each manga act (mostly) silently, and then writing up summaries at the end. I won’t pull my punches. There’s going to be criticism and snark about the manga, either wholesale or in details. If that isn’t a thing you feel like reading, please skip this post!

I’m losing the ability to tell at this point if it’s me or the manga or time slowly grinding to a halt, but I swear I’ve been reading this arc for the past six hundred years. This was probably my favourite season of the anime, and the fact that they’re in any way the same story is making my brain melt.

YES LIKE THAT THANK YOU

This whole arc is atrociously dull and refuses to move at any decent pace, like someone spilled a strawberry Fanta on it and now it’s all sticky and gummed up. AND YET THE MANGA STILL SOMEHOW MOVES TOO FAST. I think we need to send the damned thing to NASA, maybe they can unravel the secrets of space/time and we can develop warp technology or something.

Usagi and the Outers are still floating, which they can do sometimes For Reasons, and spying on Mistress Nine. NO WAIT IT’S HOTARU GASP SHOCK HORROR. Also the sky looks like-- Okay, is anyone out there old like me and remembers those stickers way back when that were like SUPER PREMIUM BASSASS SHIT that had oil or something in them, and when you pressed them, they turned colours? The sky’s like that. By the way, describing those stickers brought me more pleasure than literally anything else in this arc. I WAS REALLY INTO STICKERS OKAY

Oh, and then Mugen collapses or something. Everyone’s dead, nobody cares. It’s nothing but rubble and ruins, except for this one fountain, floating out in the middle of nothing, as is of course typical fountain behaviour. Clustered around the fountain? The Inners! Unconscious, of course. OF COURSE. Usagi can’t get near them. She also can’t remember their names. No one is surprised.

“The sea remains uninvolved in this story and so retreats to create new fertile ground elsewhere,” Michiru doesn’t say, but should. Still, the sea’s up to some weird shit, and so’s the ground, and maybe it’s earthquakes or tidal waves, but it takes the government all of two seconds to declare martial law, which sounds about right. With everything about to go to shit (TOO LATE), the Outers stop floating and start doing, by which I mean they unite their powers to create a force field.

Two thoughts on this: First, that it’s unclear what the force field is meant to contain and/or repel, but I’m just going to assume they’re attempting to shield us from the story, and thank their brave if futile efforts. My second thought is that they sure do know a lot of what they can all combine their powers to do together considering Pluto was resurrected like ten minutes ago and they keep telling us they weren’t allowed to see or hear or talk to anyone in the Silver Millennium for reasons that I’m positive weren’t just arbitrary abuses of power and control.

SORRY THERE I GO INSISTING ON LOGIC AND COHERENT THOUGHT-OUT IDEAS AGAIN MY BAD

AT LEAST SOMEONE SAID IT

“Man, my body SUCKS,” Mistress Nine complains, to which Hotaru says “Then fuck off, bitch, damn.” Somehow the fact that she’s 89% Pentium doesn’t seem to factor into anything, which shouldn’t disappoint me and yet still somehow does. Wanting more power to expel Hotaru completely, Mistress Nine goes to her local Circle K for a four-pack of Senshi. WHEN YOU’VE GOT PHARAOH 90-SIZED HUNGER GRAB THE ONLY SNACK THAT SATISFIES.

So the Inners are sucked up into Mistress Nine too, and on seeing them, Hotaru adds protecting them to her to-do list. PLEASE NOTE HOW THE INNERS REMAIN UNCONSCIOUS THROUGHOUT ALL OF THIS. EVEN CHIBI-FUCKING-USA WOKE UP ONCE SHE WAS IN THIS LIMBO DREAMSTATE WHATEVER THE FUCK AND SHE’D LITERALLY BEEN CARRIED ACROSS TOKYO WITH CARDIAC ARREST AND NO BLOOD FLOWING FOR LIKE TWO HOURS. THE INNERS HAVE HAD A BRIEF NAP.

Maybe I can have one next. I’m so tired.

We learn through monologue that all of Hotaru’s actions are being dictated by a progressively less dormant Saturn, which I have to say fucking SUCKS for Hotaru. At least she was finally getting to do some shit, but nope, that gets yanked away from her and given to a Senshi who isn’t even fully awake yet. Nobody is getting served today, folks.

OH EXCEPT MAMORU. YES I’M SERIOUS. JUST WAIT.

Anyway, the Inners wake up, and Usagi pretends to care, and then Hotaru dies I think. Maybe if they just turn her off and turn her back on again, she’ll be fine.

Somehow, for some reason, Mamoru senses this and wakes up with a gasp. I DUNNO PEOPLE DON’T FUCKING ASK ME. Oh no, wait, Hotaru’s not dead, she’s just delivering Chibs’ ginzuishou. Which it seemed she did last issue, but fuck it. Chibs wakes up, and she and Hotaru have a chat. THEN Hotaru dies. I KNEW THERE WAS DEATH IN THERE SOMEWHERE. I think she and Chibs get married first or something though.

Which normally I’d just be “ARE EITHER ONE OF YOU ACTUALLY IN YOUR TEEN YEARS YET”, but look, we all know there’s a horse around the corner, so fuck it, I’m clinging to this. HOTARU AND CHIBS, THE ONLY DESTINED MIRACLE ROMANCE I WILL ACCEPT

Chibs is sad that Hotaru died and stuff, but Mamoru doesn’t have time for that. “Can you fight?” he asks the grief-stricken ten-year old who just awakened from a deep coma brought on by intense physical trauma four minutes ago, and let’s all please take a moment to really think about that sentence. Chibs says that she’ll fight with all she has.

No snark here, complete sincerity, Chibi-Usa is the only character I hold any measurable degree of affection for, and I never thought those words would come out of my mouth but this is what the manga has done to me.

She says she’ll go fight, and Mamoru gets all maudlin

BUT NOT TO A HORSE SO BUCK UP CHAMP IT COULD BE WORSE

Then, because of course he fucking does, Mamoru powers up. I’M NOT JOKING MAMORU FUCKING POWERS UP AND HE HAS DONE NOTHING IN THIS CLIMACTIC FINAL BATTLE BUT STEAL HIS FUTURE DAUGHTER FROM AN ACTUAL HOSPITAL WITH ACTUAL DOCTORS AND SIT THERE BUT HE GETS A GODDAMN POWER UP

THE INNERS DIDN’T EVEN GET CONSCIOUSNESS AND MAMORU GETS A POWER UP I HATE EVERYTHING SO MUCH ALL THE TIME

With Mamoru there, Usagi summons the Grail, and everyone pours their power into it like the two-legged batteries they are. And then CHIBS levels up just because Sailor Moon looks so awesome, I guess, SERIOUSLY FOLKS NOTHING IS MAKING SENSE ANY MORE THIS XP SYSTEM IS FUCKED AND WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK WITH THE DM. Chibs becoming Super Sailor Chibi-Moon triggers the twofer coupon Usagi’s had tucked in her bra, and a SECOND Grail appears! Because we need that I guess! Despite that Chibs has already just powered up! And still this arc isn’t over yet holy shit I’m dying inside!

[edenfalling]

[Fic] “Camouflage the Question” - Sailor Moon

gramarye1971 said: For the 'It was a Decoy / Feint / Distraction' prompt: Sailor Moon, with one of the senshi remembering that Usagi has that Disguise Pen and actually using it for something?

Note: This is about the genesis of a feint rather than its execution, but eh, details. It's set in the Death Buster arc at an indeterminate point between Kaolinite and Eudial's deaths. I'm not entirely sure what version of canon has the most space for this detour, so call that aspect indeterminate as well. *shrug* (1,500 words)

--------------------------------------------- Camouflage the Question ---------------------------------------------

Days without Minako and Makoto in school tended to be quiet, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Usagi could catch up with Naru and Umino more easily when she didn't have to juggle two different sets of in-jokes and assumptions. Also, Ami tended to talk more when it was just the two of them. She still had a low-grade fear of people mocking and ostracizing her, which ebbed when she had time to gather her thoughts without the other senshi jumping into her pauses and redirecting the conversation to their own interests.

Usagi was the first to admit that she had a tendency to take over conversations, but she could listen to Ami explain cutting-edge biological research or the history and chemistry of oil paints for hours, even if most of it flowed in one ear and out the other. Ami had a nice voice, and she was adorable when she got excited about science or art. It was a shame she didn't get more chances to share her enthusiasm.

Today, though, Usagi was fairly sure Ami wanted to talk about senshi business rather than her father's latest art show or an article she'd read in her mother's professional journals -- and specifically wanted to talk when the other senshi weren't around. Ami had spent all of lunch frowning distractedly, in between sending Usagi considering looks, and none of Usagi's conversational prompts had gotten more than a basic response. But whatever her big idea was, Ami hadn't put her thoughts in order before afternoon classes started. Since she refused to pass notes like Minako and Makoto, Usagi had been stuck itching with curiosity until school finally let out.

"Ami-chan! What did you want to ask?" she asked as soon as the school door swung shut behind them, releasing the students of Azabu-Juban from the bondage of education for a few sweet and precious hours.

Ami twitched, then laughed. "Of course you know I have a question. I must have been awfully obvious."

Usagi shrugged, because that was true but she didn't want to make Ami feel bad. "Well, you got me awfully curious! So what is it? Have you thought of something we can do to fight the Death Busters better?"

Ami bit her lip and shifted her bag of juku workbooks in her arms. "Maybe. From a certain perspective. Do you still have that disguise pen?"

Usagi wrinkled her forehead at the seeming change of subject. "I think so? Luna never took it back, but I might have lost it behind my dresser or in the bathroom cupboards. Why?"

Ami tugged Usagi over to sit on the broad rim of a movie memorabilia shop's decorative planter, where they could put their heads close and talk with less chance of being overheard. "I was thinking... the problem we always run into is lack of knowledge. We have to wait for our enemies to get close enough to winning that they reveal their full plans, instead of being able to attack them when they're still weak and disorganized. And when you use the pen, it doesn't just change your outfit, right? You get the knowledge you need to convince other people the disguise is real."

Ami looked sideways and her next words came out very low and fast. "So I thought, what if I borrowed your pen and disguised myself as Kaolinite or Eudial? Under controlled circumstances, without the distraction of a fight, I might be able to learn--"

"Absolutely not," Usagi said. "I never tried to disguise myself as a magical person. What if mixing two magics meant that you turned into a Death Buster for real instead of just pretending? I already lost you all once in this lifetime, and I'm not doing it again."

"That's highly unlikely, and even so, you could purify--"

"No."

Usagi tried not to abuse her position as the princess, but sometimes she was grateful that when she put her foot down, her friends would listen. They might argue about it! Which was good; any ruler who stopped listening to her people had taken a terribly wrong path. But in the end, they trusted her judgment.

And so she watched Ami sigh, and agree, and slide her suggestion into her vast mental folder of discarded ideas.

Still, even if turning into a villain was out of the question, they might be able to use the disguise pen for something else. And didn't Minako have a compact that could also make disguises...? A faint possibility nagged at the edge of Usagi's mind, and she frowned as she tried to wrap her mental hands around it.

A trio of their classmates barged noisily past them into the shop, and the thought slithered away rather than solidifying. But it left another possibility in its wake. "Um," Usagi said.

Ami looked up, curiosity driving disappointment off her face. "Yes?"

"Well, I still say turning into a villain is a bad idea and I won't stand for it. But we could use the disguise pen for other things. It's a problem that I'm the only one who can cleanse the Daimons, right?"

Ami nodded.

"So... what if we used my pen and Mina-chan's compact, and one of you pretended to be me and I pretended to be someone else, so we could catch the next Daimon by surprise?" Usagi punched her right fist into her left palm by way of demonstration. (She thought Makoto might be proud that she'd remembered to keep her thumb on the outside this time.) "Pow, just like that! We might even get Eudial, too."

Ami blinked. "Oh. Yes. That might--"

"And if my pen and Mina-chan's compact really can imitate other people's magic as well as their clothes and some things they know, maybe we could have three of us use the Moon Spiral Heart Attack at the same time! Wouldn't that be amazing, Ami-chan?"

Or even just give Usagi a day off from being a senshi, now and then. She didn't resent the fighting, precisely -- it would be ungrateful to complain about having the power to save the world -- but some days she got so tired.

Ami nodded, but her expression looked awfully like the one she wore when she reviewed Usagi's homework (at least on days when Usagi had been too busy with other things to read the lessons carefully). Drat. No days off, then. And it had been such a nice daydream, too.

"Unfortunately, I doubt the disguise items are powerful enough to make a functional copy of the Spiral Heart Moon Rod," Ami said. "Using them for misdirection sounds like a viable strategy, though. We might even be able to capture Eudial and interrogate her, which would solve our lack of information without any risk of an unpleasant personality overlay accompanying a disguise transformation."

"Mmm. Maybe!" Usagi said. She wasn't sure they could hold Eudial if they caught her, or that the Witch would be interested in talking. And interrogation sounded like a dangerously slippery slope. But they could cross those bridges when they got there, she supposed. In the meantime...

The slithery thought poked its head up above the mental grass again. This time, she managed to pin it down before it could slink off.

"Oh!" Usagi leapt to her feet and grabbed Ami's shoulders in excitement. "Ami-chan, listen, I just had the best idea. It's too dangerous to disguise ourselves as villains, but what if, the next time we run into Eudial, one of us disguised herself as an ordinary woman who looks like Kaolinite, and makes provoking remarks? That might surprise Eudial into letting something slip about their plans or their powers, and the rest of us could use the distraction to sneak up and purify her without a big mess! So you'd get your information, we'd get an easy fight, and if more Death Busters turn up later on, we could just do the whole thing over again each time!"

Ami paused halfway through standing and brushing off her uniform skirt. "I-- think I'd want to run that past Minako first, since she's the one who'd have the best chance of imitating Kaolinite. But yes. That might really work." She smiled.

Usagi beamed in response. "Yay! Now come on -- we deserve a reward for coming up with a great new plan, and what's a better reward than ice cream and games?" She wrapped her hand around Ami's elbow and tugged her friend around a corner, off the route to her juku and toward the Crown Fruits Parlor and game center instead.

"But, my studies--"

"--can wait for a few hours," Usagi said. "If you really need to think about academics, you can explain asymptotes to me because I listened to every word of our lecture this afternoon and I don't think any of them were actually in Japanese. But first, ice cream. It's a beautiful day and we might have just saved the world, again. Let yourself enjoy it!"

Laughing, Ami let herself be diverted.

---------------------------------------------

End of Fic

---------------------------------------------

I have no idea why that fic took so long to write -- it was like my brain just jammed up every time I opened the file -- but it's done, it's cute, and I can move on to other projects. :)

[zemymoon-blog]

Sailor Moon: The Viz Dub - Episode 1

I’m excited for this, you guys. I know I always say how stoked I am to watch the DiC/Cloverway dub because it’s notoriously bad and all, but there’s a part of me that’s hoping the Viz dub is going to be equally bad but for different reasons: I feel like the harder you try to repair something like this and make it not terrible, the unintentionally worse it ends up being. It’s like how Hollywood keeps trying to redeem the DC Universe but they just keep making it worse.

I’ve also never seen a complete dubbed episode of Sailor Moon before. I don’t know if I can handle hearing anyone but Kotono Mitsuishi speak whenever Usagi opens her mouth, so this will be interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind dubbed anime, I just know about this particular show’s reputation when it comes to American adaptations, and I know that it usually involves a lot of people groaning and saying “Just watch the Japanese version”.

Anyway, here we go! “Moonlight Densetsu”, it’s been too long. I haven’t touched the original anime in ages, honestly. I have to say, I kinda missed it!

A voice-over narration is telling me that the name of this episode is “The Crybaby: Usagi’s Beautiful Transformation”, which is not the usual translation of this episode’s title that I’m familiar with, but okay.

From what I remember about the title cards, it’s always Usagi reading the episode title, so I’m going to assume this is Usagi’s dub voice I’m hearing. So she’s not as high-pitched as Kotono Mitsuishi, but then again, who is?

We open on the ever-classic shot of Usagi oversleeping, and immediately we get this gem: “Hi, I’m Usagi Dzoo-kino.”

Excuse me? What the hell did she just say? Usagi Zucchini? Usagi Digiorno? Is Viz retconning Usagi’s name because she eats a lot? I would have gone with Usagi Tortellini personally, but that’s just me.

Ikuko Linguine barks at Usagi to get up and the stereotypical “oh no, I’m late for school!” scene from every anime ever commences, sans toast-in-mouth. Ikuko tells Usagi not to forget her lunch, cueing the dorkiest “thanks, Mom” I’ve ever heard in my life. I’m starting to feel like maybe Viz took the whole “Usagi is clumsy and a dweeb” thing a little too far when voice directing. Isn’t Usagi supposed to be immature but still cute? She’s kinda giving me Kimmie Gibbler vibes here, and not in a good way.

So Usagi books it down the sidewalk and comes across a bunch of shitty kids kicking a cat. Animal abuse aside, why are these kids not in school? Where are their parents?

After chasing them off, Usagi peels a Band-Aid off of the cat’s forehead and somehow it doesn’t rip a bunch of fur off along with it. If this show wasn’t already unrealistic enough, the cat just sits there and lets her peel the Band-Aid off. Usagi chooses to be weirded out by the cat’s crescent moon-shaped mark on its forehead rather than the fact that this is the most passive cat that has ever existed. Seriously, it doesn’t claw her eyes out or anything!

So the cat does a sick backflip and then Usagi runs off to school, loudly wailing and ruining her vocal chords along the way. Her teacher, who also cannot pronounce “Tsukino” correctly, makes Usagi stand outside in the hallway.

I’m going to pause here for a moment so that I can bring up how much I love how stubby Usagi is in the first season. Remember how she looked in Stars? She was like 7 feet tall! Being a Sailor Senshi must provide an excellent source of vitamins and minerals because everyone else gets tall as hell, too. Shit, even Chibi-Usa is WNBA material by the end of SuperS.

Anyway, Usagi stands out in the hallway and her teacher, Haruna, comes out to scold her, and for a brief moment she almost has a Brooklyn accent, which got me super excited because I know Naru in the old dub had a similar accent and I find unnecessary obnoxious accents hilarious and wonderful. Haruna gives Usagi shit for failing a test, which is big talk coming from someone who is leaving their entire class unsupervised so that they can go yell at a 14-year-old for not understanding their schoolwork. Stay in your lane, Haruna.

Naru and Usagi are talking outside when suddenly Umino shows up and HIS VOICE IS SO BAD, YOU GUYS. Like, way worse than I ever could have imagined. It’s really terrible. I can’t even describe it in words. Usagi is so uncomfortable with Umino’s voice that she becomes even more stubby. Naru’s voice is surprisingly bland, which I guess is preferable to “awful”. Maybe it’ll grow on me in time. I hope so, because Naru is the best character in the show (after Usagi’s dad, a.k.a. Yung T$ukino).

Naru brings up Sailor V and Viz had the audacity to replace the classic “SAI - LOR - V” sound bite with what I assume is Sailor V yelling her own name really awkwardly. Did that really need to be dubbed over? It wasn’t even in Japanese.

Speaking of which, why won’t Toei just suck it up and animate Codename: Sailor V already? It’s the perfect story length to be an OVA.

So Usagi pretends not to know who Sailor V is, which I have a hard time accepting because Usagi’s entire life revolves around video games, television, and comic books, and Sailor V is supposedly a hot media franchise in the Sailor Moon universe. There is no way Usagi hasn’t heard of Sailor V before. Even Umino has heard of Sailor V, and Umino doesn’t come across as the type of person who would keep up with media celebrities.

Naru immediately begins sympathizing with some jewel thieves that Sailor V caught because apparently “jewelry is just so beautiful, I can totally understand why someone would want to steal some of it”. Doesn’t your mom own a jewelry store? Don’t you see and handle jewelry basically every day? You’d think someone who is around something all the time would be unfazed by it, and aside from that, wouldn’t someone whose family relies on their jewelry store’s business to survive be a little less sympathetic towards jewel thieves? Whatever Naru.

That high-pitched, early 90′s, “dungeon-level-from-a-SNES-RPG” music is playing to signify the scene switch to the Dark Kingdom, and I’m honestly terrified of what Beryl is going to sound like.

Queen Beryl asks if anyone has found the Silver Crystal yet and I’m relieved to say that her voice is actually pretty decent! On the other hand, the group of monsters responding “No!” is hilarious and awful.

Jadeite shows up and just sounds absolutely aroused at the very thought of being an evil villain. His voice is dripping with uncontrollable lust as he explains that his monster, Morga, is busy collecting human energy, which is a thing evil villains do, because of reasons.

Suddenly the scene changes to Naru’s mother’s jewelry store, which is packed full of people taking advantage of their big sale. I bet I can guess where the human energy is gonna come from!

Enter Usagi and Naru, who are both a little weirded out that Naru’s mom is way too into selling off all this jewelry. Naru’s voice is starting to feel a little too mature for her character in my opinion, though at least she’s actually attempting to voice act, unlike Usagi, who sounds like she is just now reading her script for the first time. You remember in school when you had to read in front of the class and whenever you had to read a character’s dialogue you would put the tiniest bit of effort into sounding like a person emoting, but not too much, and still ultimately sounded like someone who’s just reading text out loud? That’s what Usagi sounds like through this whole episode.

Predictably, Naru’s mom is revealed to the audience as Morga pretty much immediately.

And then she says it. She actually says it. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but these words really come out of her mouth, straight out of a 12-year-old’s fanfic:

“Foolish humans.”

She really says that! And then she mentions a “great ruler”, which I assume is supposed to be Metalia, but the way she says it sounds like she’s in a cult or lives under a dictatorship or something, and it just sounds really awkward.

The jewelry starts sucking all the energy out of the women in the jewelry store, and I have to wonder, if the Dark Kingdom really wanted all this energy from all these people, why wouldn’t they just have Morga give the jewelry away for free? It seems like it’d be more effective, because I’m sure not every visit to this store results in a sale. This leads me to believe that Morga’s actually in it for the financial gain. Morga knows she could just give it all away, but she also knows that she can still make a hefty financial profit from marking down prices due to the larger influx of customers than usual, and with the extra money they’re making from the sale, the Dark Kingdom can start investing in stocks and bonds, and maybe someday they’ll be able to afford to not live in a cave, or at least have some plush carpet put down to brighten up the room, or something.

Naru gets her mom’s attention and suddenly Morga remembers that she should probably stop smirking and saying “foolish humans” in public, and she puts the “normal human woman” act back on. She offers Usagi a big discount on a diamond ring since she’s Naru’s friend, and then Usagi is promptly flattened by a stampede of sale-obsessed shoppers who are continuing to handle and try on expensive jewelry completely unsupervised in a very large store that has no visible security guards, metal detectors, or other employees. See, this is why jewelry stores get robbed in this town! Where’s Sailor V when you need her?

Usagi laments that although she’s pretty spoiled, she’s not that spoiled, and her dad, Big Money Kenji, will never agree to buy her expensive jewelry after the bad grade she got on her test. That’s okay, maybe he’ll buy you an iPad, or a better voice actress. Frustrated, she leaves the store and chucks her balled-up test at a random passerby’s head.

The passerby is understandably annoyed at having garbage pelted at him and calls Usagi “bun-head” in a way that for some reason sounds like he’s implying her head looks like a butt. Well, I mean, it kinda does, from the back. If that wasn’t brutal enough, he un-balls her test and immediately starts making fun of her shitty score and comes dangerously close to blatantly calling her a dumb-ass.

Usagi takes her test back and tells the guy he needs to mind his own business, which, quite frankly, I agree with. What kind of 35-year-old man ridicules a preteen for their test scores? Usagi proceeds to stomp away and says, verbatim, “stupid jerk and his purple pleated pants”, which is the funniest thing I’ve heard all night. She almost sounds offended that he’s wearing purple pleated pants, as if that’s the most problematic aspect of her interaction with him just now.

Usagi looks back at Purple Pleated Pants guy, or PPP, and sees that he’s checking out the jewelry store. I also can’t help but notice that suddenly the entire 50-person crowd that was outside the store 2 minutes ago has vanished. I also can’t help but notice that under any other circumstances, a guy wearing dark sunglasses and scouting a jewelry store in a town that is known for jewelry store robberies would be suspicious, but this guy didn’t smirk and say “foolish humans” to himself while menacing music played in the background, so I guess he can’t be all bad.

Usagi passes Game Center Crown, the local arcade, and notices this poster in the window, which I absolutely love. I wish there was a real-life reproduction of this poster for sale somewhere. I would buy it in a heartbeat. Just look at it! It’s got everything: an anime schoolgirl superhero, random mobsters with laser guns, Space Invaders aliens exploding out of the corner, and a minty green backdrop that just screams “early 90′s bathroom”. I’m a little uncomfortable with the guy inside the arcade, though. Not the guy playing the game, but the guy behind the counter. Who the hell is that?

Seriously, am I the only one creeped out by this dude?! He reminds me of the bartender from The Shining.

After whining about how jealous she is that she doesn’t get to live the high-activity, high-responsibility lifestyle that comes with being a crime fighter, Usagi heads home, but not before she’s spotted by that cat from earlier who apparently has the ability to speak, although not well enough to pronounce “Tsukino” correctly. This cat is relieved to see Usagi, which makes her the only character so far who views Usagi with any emotion besides contempt.

Commercial break!

I wonder if they’ll keep the--no, they dubbed over it. And boy, does it sound awful.

Over at Usagi’s house, which for some reason looks like a Renoir painting (check out Based Kenji’s purple pimpmobile!), Ikuko Frappuccino greets Usagi at the door and asks what grade she got on her test as if she expects anything other than an F. Ikuko seems legitimately surprised and angry that Usagi got a 30, but I mean, surely this can’t be the first time Usagi brought home a low test score. She’s also chronically late for school, forgets her lunch, and easily distracted. Instead of having Usagi tested for potential ADHD, Ikuko makes the rational decision of kicking her middle school-aged daughter out of the house. Usagi cries and bangs on the door to be let back inside, but then Shingo just walks right up to the door and opens it, so the problem isn’t that Ikuko locked the door, the problem is that Usagi is too stupid to use the doorknob and Ikuko knows this. Usagi decides to roundhouse kick the door like a caveman and instantly shatters her kneecap.

And man, Shingo has a shockingly deep voice! His voice is deeper than Jadeite’s, even! And he talks like a TOTALLY COOL DUDE while mocking Usagi and almost sounds like Sonic the Hedgehog while doing it. What the hell kind of 10 year old boy sounds like that?!

Back at the jewelry store, the shoppers continue to have their energy drained away by the jewelry they’re wearing, and...hey, that fat woman was there earlier, too! Damn, lady! You’ve been there all day! Don’t you have other places to be?

Bargain hunters start dropping left and right, and if the spooky purple tint over the store isn’t indication enough that something nefarious is going down, Naru’s mom finally reveals herself to Naru as a monster! Her “evil” laugh is really bad.

Logically, it seems like Sailor V should be around for this sort of thing, but she’s nowhere to be seen. Where is she? She was apparently on the scene recently for that other jewelry store robbery, but today when an actual monster appears, she’s just completely AWOL. Is “actual monster” just where Sailor V draws the line? Honestly, I can’t say I blame her. The monster even has its own Psycho violin screech!

Back at Usagi’s place, Usagi flops around on her bed while talking to herself about how exhausting it is to be bratty and spoiled. I guess the cops finally showed up and made Ikuko Rigatoni bring her pet howler monkey inside. Predictably, Usagi decides against doing her homework and takes a nap instead.

But then the window opens!

I dunno, man...With all these jewelry store heists and robberies going on in this town lately, I’d keep my doors and windows locked at all times.

But as it turns out, the intruder is even worse than a robber. It’s a cat. And it talks.

Usagi seems surprised that “the cat with the bald spot” is in her room, and her voice actress really over-acts while attempting to sound...I dunno...dismayed? Shocked? Upset? Hungry?

The cat is quick to correct Usagi in that it’s not a bald spot, which sounds like something someone with a bald spot would say. She introduces herself as Luna and thanks Usagi for removing the Band-Aid earlier, but Usagi’s not having it and goes back to sleep. Like any spoiled brat, Usagi remains unresponsive until Luna appeases her with material goods. Luna literally backflips into the air and farts out a shiny piece of jewelry, and somehow this is enough to make Usagi suddenly trust this talking cat entirely.

You know who else is very forthcoming with enchanted jewelry? The Dark Kingdom.

Luna tries to explain to Usagi that some bad shit is going down in Tokyo lately, but Usagi just ignores her and admires herself and her new shiny trinket in the mirror. Then Luna calls her a “guardian” and I just...Ugh. “Guardian” is such an awkward translation and I hate it. When did everyone decide to start using it instead of “soldier”? I even would have taken an untranslated “senshi” instead of “guardian”. Maybe I’m just picky. Anyway, Luna explains to Usagi that she needs to find the other “guardians” and also their princess, and Usagi is surprisingly accepting of this new information compared to how accepting she was of a talking cat 30 seconds ago, which was “not very”.

Luna continues to lecture Usagi and then...Wait a minute! There’s a Sailor V book right on Usagi’s dresser!

Look, see? It’s right there! I knew Usagi was full of shit! She’s known about Sailor V this entire time!

Anyway, Luna tells Usagi to say “Moon Prism Power, Make Up”, which she does, triggering the first of many, many, many transformation sequences throughout this show. Sailor Moon immediately freaks out about having transformed, even though she seemed super stoked about it before she did it. What is there to even be upset about? You even got your own theme music, which is more than you can say about any of the other Sailor Senshi this season. Her voice actress rather unconvincingly yells and whines during a scene where her character is meant to sound confused and upset.

Sailor Moon’s Stranger Danger™ hair bun shields start flashing and she can hear Naru crying out for help, and I just realized that she never, ever seems to have this ability ever again for the rest of the show. Were they just one-use-only, or what? Is that why Luna ends up giving her a communicator device later on? Sailor Moon seems strangely calm about the fact that Naru sounds like she’s in grave danger, and Luna tells her that it’s her duty to go save her friend. Wouldn’t it normally be Sailor V’s duty to fight bad guys, or has Luna just given up on Sailor V doing her damn job?

Across town, Naru is actively being strangled by her mom, because we all know best friends like to get competitive, and Naru is trying to one-up Usagi on who has the worse mom.

Except it’s not really her mom, it’s a monster! A monster with incredible business sense!

Morga’s exact words after this are “I’ve locked your mother up in the basement, and after I’m done killing you...I’m gonna kill her too? And then send the both of you! To the world of the dead!” and it’s delivered so poorly I had to pause the video until I could stop laughing.

But just when all seems lost for Naru, Sailor Moon arrives on the scene!

Sailor Moon introduces herself as a “pretty guardian”, showing unwarranted confidence for someone who makes bad grades and has a head that looks like a butt. Morga responds with, “Are those stupid catchphrases supposed to scare me?” which is something I’ve always wanted a monster in this show to say, but the fact that it’s a dubbed-in line and not part of the original dialogue somehow makes it a little less satisfying.

Morga awakens the zombified customers and they all start attacking Sailor Moon, including Big Mama who is still rocking those emerald earrings. Sailor Moon suddenly realizes that being a crime fighter involves fighting, and she starts to panic, knowing that the only thing she’s ever destroyed was an entire cheesecake in one sitting. Then this one lady comes at her with a broken bottle, like it’s a bar fight! Holy shit!

Luna expresses dismay that Sailor Moon isn’t fighting back, but it’s not like you bothered to teach Sailor Moon any of her attacks, so this is partially your fault too, Luna. Sailor Moon starts crying, sorta, though she mostly just sounds tired.

But then out of nowhere, someone throws a rose at the ground like a dart! I guess this is enough to placate the monster, because it stops trying to kill Sailor Moon.

The source of the rose dart introduces himself as Tuxedo Mask and, in the same breath, tells Sailor Moon that crying isn’t going to solve any of her problems. This immediately turns out to be false, because Sailor Moon starts to cry even more and somehow her Stranger Danger™ hair bun shields amplify her bad voice acting into 100% WEAPONIZED WHINING.

Somehow this causes the army of bargain-hunting zombies to faint, and I guess the one-use-only rule applies to this hair bun power as well, because this is the only time I remember it happening.

Luna finally tells Sailor Moon to throw her tiara and say “Moon Tiara Action”, and sounds surprisingly pissed while doing so! Damn, Luna, what’s gotten into you? The animation sequence for Moon Tiara Action starts and...am I crazy, or is the background for this sequence not usually green? Usagi Fettuccine throws her tiara like a hot pizza pie (a joke that is going to come back and bite me when she actually does throw a pizza in Stars) and hits Morga with it, turning her into dust.

Can I just comment on how huge Naru’s mom’s jewelry store is? Naru’s family must be loaded! Jadeite, who I assume is supposed to be hanging out in the Dark Kingdom instead of actually helping Morga, curses the Youma of Wall Street for failing him. To be fair, she was doing a pretty good job of collecting energy (and money!) until Sailor Moon showed up, and this is literally the first time Sailor Moon has ever appeared anywhere, so how could Morga have predicted that would even happen? Morga’s not really to blame here. If you were so worried about her safety and success, why didn’t you send a couple more monsters to act as backup? I blame Jadeite for this one.

Tuxedo Mask congratulates Sailor Moon on a job well done and tells her he won’t forget what happened here tonight in a tone of voice that sounds really creepy. Instead of immediately calling the police, Sailor Moon decides she’s in love with him, and hearts fly out of her eyes. Wait, what’s the appeal here? You could barely see his face, and he didn’t even do anything aside from throw a rose at the ground. He didn’t even participate in fighting the monster. He literally just showed up in his Abraham Lincoln hat, gave some bad advice, and then jumped out a window. Whatever floats your boat, Usagi.

The next day at school, Naru (who suddenly sounds 20 years older) gushes about the cool dream she had last night: a superhero named Sailor Moon showed up and saved her from a monster! Two other nameless girls apparently had the exact same dream, but I have to wonder...If all of these girls were at the jewelry store last night when Sailor Moon fought the monster, wouldn’t they have been passed out by then? Did they somehow retain some level of consciousness while physically comatose? Not gonna lie, that’s pretty horrifying. Naru tries to get Usagi’s attention, but she’s just so incredibly tired! “Nighty night.” Ah, classic Usagi. Roll credits!

I don’t know, you guys. I was hoping this new dub would be really bad, and it was, but aside from a couple moments here and there, it wasn’t bad enough to be funny. It was just kind of boring. Somehow the stilted voice acting of the protagonist and the strangely-casted voices of a couple major characters just made the entire episode feel really plastic and hollow. All of the charm of the original was lost behind a constant need to talk really slowly/loudly or just howl uncontrollably, and half of the characters just sounded like they were reading off of cue cards. I mean, from an objective standpoint, it’s a better dub than the DiC adaptation from the 90′s, but it’s also a lot less entertaining. I think Queen Beryl’s voice was the only one I actually liked immediately.

So, there you have it! That’s Episode 1 of Sailor Moon with the Viz-dubbed English audio enabled. As bland as the first episode was, I still have high expectations for later episodes when the show has more characters. Hopefully the other Sailor Senshi will sound at least half competent and will drown out the sound of Usagi enough that it’ll actually be a watchable dub. Or maybe it’ll just sound even worse, and it’ll be awful enough that I’ll find it funny. Who knows? Either way, here’s hoping Episode 2 has more to talk about.

Until next time, pasta fans.