#so then we went on a walk w his flatmate that was VERY VERY drunk but he’s baby so .. expected ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLA then i came home & they

[bibleofficial]

i’m the WORSTTT bc i’ll say ‘i’m on my way’ but that literally just means i’m getting dressed & i’ll leave in a half hour 😭😭

[theasstour]

𝐔𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝𝐥𝐲 𝐄𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝.

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟕.𝟕𝐤 𝐍𝐁: 𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐡𝐨𝐥, 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞, 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞, 𝐟𝐚𝐭𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐛𝐢𝐚

Tuesday, 13 December 2017

Tooley Street was always busy, whether there were a horde of people walking to and from the riverside and underground, or cars driving by at a ridiculous speed. London Bridge station on the other side of the road to where Y/N and the gang sat at Caffé Nero, looked like a small insect in comparison to The Shard that reached like a pillar above the partly cloudy winter sky. The blue painted brick building beside it, The Shipwright Arms pub, was a lively addition to an otherwise very bleak street.

The winter wind by the riverside was horrendous, but Y/N had offered to come with Annalise on her cigarette break, so she had only herself to blame for exposing herself to more of the biting cold than completely necessary. From where the two were sitting, they could just make out Tower Bridge behind them, bare trees rising up along the streets that indicated summer was long gone and winter had arrived.

Y/N had spent a lot of time just sitting outside the last few days. Whether it was on a bench by Regent’s Canal, in the grass at Shoreditch Park, or at a table outside a café with a coffee in hand. She had just been sitting there, staring out at nothing. Thinking. All she had been doing since finding that watch was think.

She had tried to find some kind of logical explanation as to why that watch had the coordinates for her family’s Newport cabin, but there was none. What kind of connection did George have to Newport? To that cabin? Had he just fucked her and left it there because he knew who Y/N’s sister was? And where was George now? She had not seen him since that night in October, was he still around? Or had Y/N just missed him when he had been, and this had all just been a huge coincidence. But Y/N somehow knew, deep down, that this was far from a coincidence and she should not treat it as one.

“You have to come to Monnickendam,” Annalise said, blowing out a puff of white smoke.

Y/N looked away from a man across the street who was arguing passionately with someone on his phone. Shoving the thoughts of the watch that was laid on her desk in her room, out of her head. She had not told anyone about it, this was not something she wanted everyone to know about because she had no idea what it meant. The only person that knew was Harry, and she would like to keep it that way.

“I’ve never been to the Netherlands,” Y/N said.

“Even more of a reason to come.”

Y/N smiled. “Buzzing. I haven’t travelled much in Europe, mostly been to Brazil with my family.”

“When you come to Monnickendam, we have to take the train to, like, Germany or France. Andorra is also so beautiful, I think you’re gonna love it.”

“Make a roadtrip out of it.”

“Exactly.”

Y/N’s smile grew. “Had you been to London before you came here for school?”

Annalise brought the cigarette up to her mouth. “Loads of times.”

“Really?”

“Yes, we went here around Easter in 2012 the first time, and I fell in love. Went here four more times, then to an Open Day last year.”

Y/N nodded. “Was Helmond your first choice then? Did you like it the best?”

“No, Battersea was, but I’m happy I ended up at Helmond.” Annalise breathed out white vapour. “Helmond’s prettier.”

Y/N laughed. “The aesthetic is more important than the uni itself, innit? If you can’t take decent Instagram pictures there, what’s the point of spending the next three years at that place?”

Annalise laughed along with Y/N, taking a last drag. “I rarely use Instagram.”

“I used to. I loved to like document my life, to let all my friends and family know what I was doing at all times. But then I found Snapchat, and it’s just better.”

“You know that if you, like, save a picture or video in the Snapchat app, Snapchat owns it?”

Y/N blinked.

“At least what someone at home told me once.”

“Doesn’t Instagram do the same?” Y/N asked.

“Think so,” Annalise said, walking over to the litter and stumping her cigarette out in the ash tray on top of it. “Ground rule: don’t save anything onto social media. Anyone can save and see your pictures.”

“Basically,” Y/N mumbled, looking over at the man she had watched earlier. He was still arguing with someone over the phone.

“Ready to head back inside?” Annalise asked.

“Yeah.” Y/N got up and the two strolled back over to the Caffé Nero their three other mates were sat in. Thian, Hayden, and Chloe were all sat with their laptops in front of them and books in the centre of the table behind their screens. Chloe was talking animatedly as Y/N and Annalise approached, Hayden busy with something on the laptop in front of them while Thian sat with a book in his hands, looking at Chloe as she spoke. Y/N took off her puffer jacket, hanging it off the back of her chair as she sat down, adjusting her black V-neck jumper and loose denim jeans.

“…the problem isn’t that. The problem is the fact that they never clean up after themselves. That’s the problem,” Chloe said, groaning loudly. “And when I ask in the flat groupchat if anyone wanna be social, no one answers. I swear, all of them hate me.”

“Maybe they’re just busy,” Thian suggested.

“They always say that, but I know two of the boys are in Dave’s room playing something on that PlayStation.” Chloe crossed her arms over her chest. “Should I learn how to play FIFA?”

“You don’t have to impress them,” Y/N said, turning her laptop back on to finish the essay for Critical Reading that was due that Friday.

“No, I know. But if I want to hang out with anyone in my flat, I gotta do something. What games do you play in the PlayStation, Thian?”

Thian stared at Chloe for a second, mouth working before he mumbled, “I didn’t bring one to uni.”

“Alright, then what did you play at home?”

“Call of Duty.”

Chloe scrunched up her nose. “Isn’t that a war game?”

“Yeah.”

“Nah, I’m not into that.” Chloe grimaced, looking at something further away. “I’ve never really played PlayStation. One of the blokes I dated in college gamed a lot, but I couldn’t be asked to sit around and just watch.”

“The three in my flat play GTA,” Y/N said. “At least that’s what Nathan wants to play, Harry and Mason just go along.”

Chloe’s face instantly lit up. “Oh, my word, Y/N. You have to make Harry teach me how to play something on the PlayStation.”

There was a slight pang in Y/N’s chest at the sound of his name leaving Chloe’s lips in that way. Y/N opened, then closed her mouth, then opened it again. “I don’t really hang out with them when they play it. I’ve had so much to do these past months.”

“That’s fine, Nathan can keep us company,” Chloe said, leaning back in her seat. “Make Mason come, too. God-“ She grinned, letting her head fall between her shoulder blades. “-Your flatmates are fit.”

“Harry’s fitter than Mason,” Hayden chimed in.

“No, definitely Mason,” Annalise said.

“I can’t choose. Depends on my mood,” Chloe mused.

Thian kept quiet, staring pointedly at his laptop.

“Can you do it? Make them teach me?” Chloe begged, sticking her bottom lip out at Y/N.

Y/N took a deep breath. “I’ll try.”

Chloe grinned.

“They might be busy, too. Might not get to it till after Christmas break.”

Chloe waved her hand. “That’s fine. I just want to hang out with someone from my flat eventually.”

Y/N glanced down at her laptop again, trying to forget the conversation she had just had with the other three. Chloe continued chattering on about something of no significance, Y/N did not care to listen as she wanted to finish her essay before she had to leave for home coming Saturday. Though her coffee was cold now as she took a sip of it, Y/N still appreciated the taste of caffeine. It woke her up, made her more alert and focused.

Ever since she was seven years old, her papai had made her coffee to drink. He always said “coffee is as vital to a Brazilian’s existence as tea is to a Brit’s” and she had drunk it ever since. She loved the taste of it much more than tea, but seeing as tea was much easier to make, she had come to resort to it here in London. Home in Nottingham, there was always a brew in the making or one ready for whoever felt like having a cup, made with a proper coffee machine that Davi had invested proper money in. He had bought it back in 2001, and it worked just as well as it did back then. Y/N, like her papai, loved the coffee from that old coffee maker more than anything else. She could not wait until she was home with her parents so she could drink proper coffee all the time without going to the nearest coffee shop to do so. The instant coffee Nathan often made smelled and tasted rank, Y/N would have no other coffee than her papai’s and a cup made at a coffee shop.

“I’m gonna go buy a muff,” Hayden said, getting up from their chair. “This essay is doing my head in, I need something to sooth the pain.”

“Oh, could you buy me a scone?” Thian asked, putting his hands together as if he was begging on his knees. “I’ll pay with five stellar knock knock jokes.”

“Make it six.”

“Deal.”

The two shook hands and Hayden grinned as they looked at the other three. “Anything from the trolley, dears?”

Y/N and Annalise chuckled. “No thanks,” Y/N said, Annalise saying the same thing.

“No, I’ll just add to this,” Chloe said, patting at her stomach.

“Add to what?” Hayden asked.

“A belly.” Chloe gripped the little that was protruding from her tight denim jeans. “I’m trying to start working out for bikini season, to remove that extra uni weight, you know?”

Hayden looked absolutely lost, so did Thian, and Annalise looked to not be paying any attention at all. Y/N, however, felt a familiar pang in her chest. It was a small explosion she had felt before, one that would taint the rest of her day. Instinctively, she put her scarf around her chest, letting it fall over her stomach.

Hayden did not comment, instead they just walked up to the till, ready to tell the lady working there their order. The table fell silent, but not for the reason Y/N wanted it to. No, they were all just busy with their essays. Y/N knew that it would be impossible for her to concentrate on the assignment now that the only thing she would be thinking about for the rest of the day was Chloe’s comment. Chancing a look over at her friend, she saw her flicking through a book in her lap, completely unbothered, Annalise was cocking her head to the side as she wrote something on her Mac, while Thian was watching Hayden pay for their food. None of them had batted an eyelash. Which was nothing new, Y/N was used to no one picking up on covered up fatphobic comments.

She knew that Chloe had not said those things with her in mind, that the statement had been about her own body only. But Y/N could not help but feel the comment in her very soul. She could remember her mates from school in Nottingham making comments similar to that one, so hearing it wasn’t alien, but it stung as much as hearing it that first time.

“Here we go,” Hayden said, putting the scone down on Thian’s keyboard.

“Scones are so bloody good,” Thian moaned, taking a huge bite out of his. “If we had to fuck a food, I’d fuck scones.”

The table went quiet, all looking at Thian. He just continued on eating, humming some Alesso and Conor Maynard song that was always playing on the radio.

“Why did you just say that?” Hayden asked.

“Felt like sharing my thoughts with the class.”

Hayden raised their eyebrows before looking at the laptop in front of them. “The class did not need to know.”

Thian shrugged his shoulders and Annalise laughed, Chloe joining in after a little while. Y/N smiled at them, but her thoughts still drifted back to Chloe’s comments just a minute earlier. She spread her scarf out over her stomach, wishing she had worn something that wasn’t so tight fitted.

Friday, 15 December 2017

“Sorry we’re late,” Mason said as him and the rest of the rugby team streamed into the seminar room. Hayden, Y/N, Thian, Chloe, Annalise, Nathan, and Annalise’s two friends were all sat around one table, already having started a round of Uno.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Hayden smiled. “I’ve put Uno decks on the other tables.”

“Cheers.”

Mason and the rest of the team sat down, all chatting amongst themselves and letting go of heavy sighs as they took their seats. It was clear that the last training session for the team this year had not only been cold, but also immensely tiring. They all looked very ready to travel home for Christmas break, and it looked like a few already had.

Y/N felt their struggle with the cold. She herself was wearing a mini linen skater dress in black. The skirt was loose, making it comfortable to hide her belly in – she had not stopped thinking about Chloe’s comment all week, but it would not stop her from looking really fucking good – and the waist was open, baring some of her skin and rib tattoo to everyone. Her skin protruded around the straps that were wrapped around her waist, connecting her skirt from her top, but there was nothing she could do about it, so she just tried to stay out of Chloe’s vision. The plunge neck revealed a very deep cleavage and skin, making it so Y/N had put on two silver necklaces to top of the outfit. The rest of the top had long sleeves and a nice collar, which was why Y/N had bought the dress. It was slutty, but in a modest way.

The rest of the gang around the table had also dressed up, ready to go out after this. They all had their last lecture of the semester today, meaning that their Christmas break had just started, and they wanted to celebrate before everyone travelled to their separate locations the next day. Chloe to Oxford, Thian to Bristol, Hayden to Sheffield, Annalise to Monnickendam, and Y/N back home to Nottingham. It would be weird not to meet up with them, to not go to lectures and stress about assignments for the next month. Then again, Annalise had made a Snapchat and Messenger group to ensure that the gang would talk every single day. And knowing her mates, Y/N was sure they would.

During a break between rounds, Y/N got up from their table after making sure that her polyamide shorts underneath her dress didn’t roll down her stomach. She wore them to prevent chafing, knowing that if she did not wear them underneath her skirt, it would be hard for her to wear anything the next day. She did the zip of her chunky sock boots before making her way over to Mason’s table.

“Alright, Y/N?” Mason said as she came closer, giving her a small smile.

“How’re you lot finding the society?” she asked, looking around the table, meeting Kai’s eyes.

Kai beamed. “Good, it’s nice to spend some time with the whole team off the rugby pitch.”

“You’re dressed up,” Mason pointed out. “What’s the occasion?”

“Uno Society.”

Mason smiled. “Trying to pull some rugby players, are ya?”

“No. No, rugby players.”

Mason only raised his eyebrows as if he didn’t believe her, smile widening.

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re just as unbearable as Harry sometimes.”

“Nah, Harry’s worse than me.”

“Right.” Y/N took a big breath. “Chloe over there, the blonde,” Y/N said, motioning behind her with a nod of her head. Mason’s gaze immediately fell on Chloe. “She’s wondering if you and Harry can teach her how to play the PlayStation.”

Mason blinked, looking over at Kai as the bigger man clapped his hands together before laughing.

“Is that funny?” Y/N asked.

“No, it’s not. I just knew Kai would react like that,” Mason said. “But I’ll do it. After Christmas at some point.”

“Nice, I’ll tell her that, then.”

“Why does she need someone to teach her how to play PlayStation?” Kai asked, and though there was laughter in his voice, Y/N could tell his question was sincere.

“Some blokes in her flat never want to be social, they just stay in this one room playing PlayStation, and she’s kinda left out ‘cause she doesn’t really know how to play.”

“That might not work out,” Kai said, smiling still.

“Worth a shot, either way.”

“Maybe she just wanna spend time with this hunk,” Kai grinned, putting a hand on Mason’s shoulder. “Or the other hunk that’s not here.”

“Speaking of him,” Y/N said, putting a hand on her hip. “Not that I care, but where is he?”

Kai grinned, sitting back in his chair. “You don’t care? Not at all?”

“No, Y/N doesn’t like Harry much,” Mason explained, completely unbothered. “He’s working. The team’s popping by The Stag’s Head later to check on him since it’s his last shift and all that.”

Y/N nodded, suddenly remembering how Harry had told her that a few weeks ago.

“What’s the bellend done to you?” Kai asked.

“Another time, Kai. We’re in the middle of a round,” Mason said. “I’ll find a day that’s good for Chloe to come over.”

“Wicked,” Y/N smiled. “See ya.”

“Later, mate.”

Y/N walked back to her table, sitting down in her seat again. “Sorry,” she said when Hayden gave her a look. “Chloe, Mason said he could teach you how to play PlayStation sometime after Christmas break.”

Chloe squealed. “Really?!”

“Yeah, he’ll text me saying when.”

“Ahh! Buzzing!”

Y/N gave her a smile before the gang went back to playing.

Though she was physically present over the next hour or so, Y/N’s mind travelled back to the flat and the watch on her desk. Besides assignments, Christmas, and what Chloe said on Tuesday, that was all Y/N had spent her time thinking about. She would be in bed, about to go to sleep, then just get out of her bed and look at the watch, study it carefully. Maybe there was another message of sorts on it, maybe she was supposed to do something with it. But other days she did not want to touch that watch. There was something about it, something about how it had just been left in her possession so casually, something about the fact that she had not seen George since that night, that did not sit right with Y/N at all.

Throughout the rest of the night, after the Uno Society, while the gang was sat at a pub, and then dancing at a club later, Y/N could not bring herself to enjoy herself thoroughly. All her energy went back to that watch. She wanted to understand what it meant, why George had it, and what she was supposed to do with the information. Was she even supposed to do anything at all? It only made her want to travel down to Newport even more. She had to now. Her parents might think about getting rid of that cabin, but Y/N had to revisit it one last time before that happened.

Y/N did not drink that night; she was afraid of the conspiracy theories she would form if she did. She had one cocktail at the pub they went to, but could not do more than that, and her mates did not ask questions as to why she was not drinking, something she really appreciated. It was late when she announced she would be going home, and so she called Nathan and made him stay on the line with her as she took the tube back to Haggerston Station. Once she reached Orsman Road, she could hear his snores on the other end, and hung up halfway down the road to the flat. However, in the distance, she saw a stag’s head sign hanging out on a metal pole, protruding from the building opposite her flat building. She suddenly remembered what Mason said, and crossed the road, making her way over to the pub.

A small group of lads made their way out of the pub as Y/N reached it, the last one holding the door for her. She smiled and thanked him before walking inside. Now that she wasn’t affected by alcohol, Y/N was finally able to take in the pub properly without having the slight haze of alcohol taint it. The lights were comfortably dimmed, not too much so you could not read the menu, but just enough so that a person’s facial features would be a tad blurry. The red that ran along the wall behind the dark bar counter was subtle, giving the bar a sense of holding onto the secrets of each person who walked through the front doors, like a Victorian murder mystery. Y/N could see Sweeney Todd’s barber shop trapped in the same colours.

“Excuse me, miss,” a man walking out from behind the counter said, grey hair and broad shoulders. “We’re closed.”

“Oh,” she said, looking around the dark pub. “I… I thought I might find Harry here.”

The man narrowed his eyes a little. “He’s got a new girlfriend? So soon after the other ones?”

Y/N felt herself narrow her eyes back at the man. Girlfriend? Harry’s had girlfriends – plural – since he started working in The Stag’s Head? There was a very strange combination of a lot of different feelings that swarmed around Y/N’s body, suddenly making her feel seasick. She was about to abort her mission, to say she would just catch Harry at home, when there came a voice from the door leading out into the smoking area.

“Y/N,” Harry said, turning the lights off outside and closing the door. It looked as if he could not quite believe his eyes as he saw her standing there, like he had not thought she would ever show up to his work like this. Without seemingly able to help himself, his green eyes fell down to her green dress and her exposed legs. He quickly looked to his other co-worker, clearing his throat as he walked behind the pub counter. Y/N could swear she saw a slight pink hue to his cheekbones.

“I’ll leave if you’re busy.”

“No,” Harry said, the word coming out a little too quickly as if desperation got the better of him. “No. Not busy.”

The grey-haired man raised his eyebrows at Harry. He must have seen something in Harry’s demeanour, because he said, “You’ll be alright to close up on your own?”

Harry smiled. “It’ll be a nice way to end my time at Stag’s Head.”

“Nice,” the man Y/N now suspected was Harry’s boss, said. “Pop by with the keys tomorrow, will ya?”

“Yes, sir.”

The man gave both Harry and Y/N a smile each before he started on his walk up to his office. The pub was suddenly very quiet, not a single sound came from inside, just the distant siren outside and the low buzz of the city. A place that was usually bustling with noise, energy, and anticipation, was now left with the latter. Y/N looked around the place, unsure of what to do with herself now that it was only her and Harry there. Harry watched her, picking up the Cif spray from where it stood under the counter. She felt his gaze on her as she walked along the booths, touching the red velvet cushions, a rush of goosebumps travelling up her spine at the knowledge that she had his full attention.

She turned around, leaning her bum against a table as she took in the liquor behind Harry. He was washing the counter, looking over at Y/N again, eyes falling to her mid-area that was expanded slightly at the pressure the surface behind her was providing. He quickly looked away again, biting his lips together as he focused on the counter in front of him. Y/N could not help a small smile.

“What made you show up to my work, then?” he asked.

“Can’t a friend show up to another friend’s work?”

Harry let out a strangled chuckle. “Alright. That’s very nice of you, but I don’t buy that for a single second.”

Y/N raised her eyebrows. “You don’t?”

“There’s gotta have been another reason as to why.”

“Okay…? What’s that?”

Harry shrugged his shoulder, spraying more Cif onto the counter. “You were bored. You didn’t want to be around your other mates any longer. You wanted to see a delicious man with an irresistible Northern accent clean up a pub since it’s his last shift ever here tonight.”

Y/N let out a laugh, placing her hands on either side of the table beside her. “None of the above.”

“Alright,” Harry said, coming out from behind the pub. “What didn’t I cover?”

“You weren’t at the Uno Society meeting.”

The answer came so effortlessly, as if her subconscious had been holding onto the answer for Y/N until she was strong enough to know the real reason. Her hands instantly gripped the table harder, feeling embarrassed for admitting vulnerability so easily. She blamed how easy it was to talk to him, how he just seemed to throw a lasso around her deepest secrets, her most private desires, and drag them out of her.

Harry looked over at her from where he was cleaning the tables a bit further away in the pub. “Had work. Would’ve been there if I didn’t have to be here.”

She nodded, looking down at her black boots. For some reason, his words warmed something inside her. Hearing someone care about something she cared about made her feel special. Then again, someone she just met on the street could tell her they hated Marmite, something Y/N also did, and she would feel equally as fuzzy inside. Finding small bonds, small preferences, small somethings that connected you to other people, made you feel like you weren’t alone, but it also made you feel special, made you feel seen and understood. It was as if someone opened a door into their soul, and giving you a warm handshake, welcoming you into them and their life.

“The lads had a blast,” Harry said, now closer to Y/N as she had zoned out for a minute and some.

“They did?”

“Yeah, it’s nice to just sit down and relax like that. We don’t really get to do that.”

Y/N watched as Harry hovered by a table, leaning over it to clean it. His black tee shirt stretched over his broad back, his shoulder blades visibly working as he ran the cloth over the table in front of him. The outline of his muscles, the way they were so hard against the soft fabric of the tee shirt, made Y/N’s body feel very hot all of a sudden. He worked so carefully, sliding his hand holding the cloth so slowly over the table, paying it his undivided attention. She adjusted her position against her table, looking away from Harry as he stood back up, his black trousers that had been tight around his buttocks, slacking at the lack of pressure on the material. Get a fucking grip, Y/N screamed at herself in her head, focusing on the wall in front of her. She saw Harry look at her over his shoulder, gaze lingering on her for a few seconds. Y/N suddenly found it very hard to draw a proper breath.

“You’re mad I didn’t show up?” Harry asked.

Y/N was silent, her brain completely blank. “Didn’t show up…?”

She could see his smug smile in her peripheral vision. “Yeah.”

“To what?”

His smile widened and he focused on a table closer to her. “The Uno Society.”

She closed her eyes. Her checking out Harry while he had his back to her had not just made her forget the whole reason why she had showed up to The Stag’s Head in the first place. His body looking the way it did, him caring about the society, him teasing her to get a reaction out of her… Why the fuck did he have that effect on her?

“No,” Y/N said, refusing to look at him still. “I’m not mad.”

“Then why won’t you look at me right now?”

Y/N could feel her hands instinctively grabbing harder onto the table behind her. “No reason.”

“You know,” Harry started, she could hear the smirk in his voice. “You can try all you want, but I still know you.”

She huffed. “You wish.”

“I don’t gotta,” he said, chuckling a little. “Don’t gotta wish when I already do know you. Wish I knew you better, wish you’d just open up to me like you did so easily before, but that’s for a later time.”

That made her look over at Harry, her eyebrows drawn together as she just watched him clean yet another table. He… Did he really think she would one day open up to him again and they would go back to being friends like they used to? Was he really that optimistic? Had he thought about it? About them and their friendship? And what a future with her alongside him at uni would look like? Her eyes landed on his bicep as it flexed, holding his body weight as he leaned against the table again. Her gaze following his arm all the way down to his hand, long slender fingers wrapped around the edge of the table, and the thick veins over the dorsal part of his hand made something in Y/N’s brain short circuit. That along with the casual way he was leaning his hips against the table, staring down at it with his head cocked.

What the fuck, Y/N said to herself again, looking away from him. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck?! How was she supposed to stay neutral, to not find him attractive, to not want to sink right back into old habits when she allowed herself to study him and look at him like that. She had to stop. This was getting out of hand.

“You’re uncharacteristically quiet tonight,” Harry said, working slowly as he cleaned up the table in the booth beside the one she was stood leaning against.

“No, I’ve just got things on my mind.”

“What things?”

Your broad shoulders. Your hands. The way you stick your tongue out of your mouth when you are concentrating. But Y/N said none of those things, as doing so would sentence her to a lifetime of humiliation.

“Insignificant things.”

“When they’re taking up a lot of space in your head and preventing you from being present, they’re not insignificant,” Harry said, sounding a little serious all of a sudden. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, there’s nothing inherently bad on my mind, just… I’ve got a lot of… thoughts,” Y/N said, not knowing how else to explain it without giving something away.

“What thoughts?”

Y/N narrowed her eyes at him. “Thought you did Architectural Studies, didn’t know you also had a degree in being Nosy.”

Harry let out a laugh, coming to stand in front of her with the spray and the cloth in his hands. “I’m very nosy.”

“Glad to hear you’re self-aware.”

“But right now I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Bloody hell, Y/N thought, could he just fucking stop being so nice? So fucking adorable? And fit? It made hating him so much harder than it already was.

“I’m okay.”

He took a step closer. “What’s been on your mind then?”

“Just… life.”

“Has uni exhausted you?”

“Yeah, but it’s not what I’m thinking about.”

Harry took another step closer. Y/N’s palms were suddenly very clammy.

“What’s on your mind?” he asked again, a small smile on his lips as if he was challenging her.

“Maybe you just have to face the fact that I won’t tell you and you can’t figure it out on your own.”

“Nah,” Harry said. “I’ll figure you out.”

Y/N watched as Harry took another step closer, her heart suddenly beating very fast inside her chest.

“I just gotta…” He trailed off, now standing directly in front of her. Tip of his shoes against the tip of hers. Without a warning of sorts, he leaned closer, bending over her until his head hovered beside her own. Chest wavering above hers, touching as she drew in a precipitous breath and he did the same. Their bodies did not brush against one another again, an invisible, burning shield was built to keep them apart the second their upper bodies made contact. As if the universe was telling them that by touching like that, the world would go up in total flames around them.

Harry’s sudden closeness made her breathe in a little too harshly, she was sure he must have heard it but she simply did not care. The reaction her body was having to him being so close was electric, it made all the hairs on her body stand on end. She didn’t know what he was doing that close to her, thinking at first that he must have wanted to whisper something in her ear, to say something to her that would undoubtedly make her glad she was leaning against something solid for support.

But she heard the familiar sound of the Cif spray, and a second later, Harry reached his cloth behind Y/N’s back, cleaning the table. She felt his breath against her neck, triggering something radioactive inside her. The oud aroma of his cologne, with notes of cedar, patchouli, and spicy saffron filled Y/N’s nostrils. In those seconds when Harry hovered above her like that, his warm body inches from hers, breath fanning against her skin, his aroma, and aura mere inches from hers, Y/N was conflicted as to if she wanted time to speed up or slow down some more. She knew that if she stayed like that, with Harry so close to her, for much longer she would go absolutely mad and have an impossible time resisting him if he were to try something like he had done in the living room the week before.

No sooner had she thought that, he pushed off, face lingering just centimetres from hers. “I just need to take a look,” he said, speaking as if he did not mind if the whole world was watching them. He raised his hand, about to touch her chin. For what reason, Y/N did not know, but she didn’t ask any questions. However, he stopped, as if touching her was something he could not do. Y/N was glad he hadn’t, because God knows how her body would have reacted had he tenderly touched her jawline like it looked like he wanted to.

“Take a look?” Y/N mumbled.

“At you.”

A small breath left her lips.

“Maybe the answer to what’s been on your mind is somewhere in your eyes,” he said, eyes suddenly falling to her lips. “Or your lips.” He glanced at her forehead. “Or in the slight lines that appear between your eyebrows when you’re deep in thought.” He looked down at her hands on the table edge. “Or the way you’re gripping the table so tight right now.”

Jesus Christ, she was about to explode. Y/N let go of it immediately, standing up and forcing Harry to take two steps back. His intense glance lingered on her, falling to her lips as she opened her mouth to take a breath.

“It’s getting late,” she said, fingering the hem of her leather jacket as her heart continued to hammer away inside her chest.

“Wait for me, yeah?” Harry walked over to the next table to clean it, doing it way faster than all the other ones. Biting his lip and moving his hand with the cloth over the table as if to make up for time spent on something else, cleaning very slowly and standing too close to her.

“No, I can walk home by myself.”

“I know you’re capable of walking, but I don’t like you being out in the streets all alone late at night.”

Y/N looked over at Harry as he cleaned the last booth, seeing the determination to finish as quickly as possible.

“It’s just across the road,” she said.

“Please just let me walk you across the road, then.” Harry walked behind the bar counter, putting the cleaning supplies away.

“You make me sound like an old lady.”

“Just-“ He appeared from behind the counter. “-Wait.” He then disappeared into the backroom where he only stayed for a few seconds. Y/N would have thought that since he enjoyed working at The Stag’s Head, he would have at least lingered for a few moments to take in the last time he would ever be back there. But instead, he emerged wearing his coat, locking the door behind him, mere seconds later. He turned the lights off, and, walking over to where Y/N was standing, placed a gentle hand to her lower back, guiding her in the direction of the door that she could only barely make out in the dark. Goosebumps instantly ran up Y/N’s back and she inhaled at the pressure of Harry’s hand on her body. He held the door open for her and Y/N stepped outside, watching as Harry locked the front doors to The Stag’s Head for the very last time.

He looked around them after locking the door, checking up and down the three streets that came to a crossroad just outside the pub. Once his eyes finally met Y/N’s again he gave her the smallest smile, then motioned for her to lead the way back to their flat. She wanted to roll her eyes, but she could not find it in herself to do just that in that moment. Though it was just across the road, she very much appreciated Harry’s company back to their flat. Distance was nothing when the roads were dark and the faces of the figures walking past were left blurred by the dim streetlamps.

Harry held the door for Y/N once again, letting her be the first to enter the building. She strolled upstairs, unlocking their front door and watching as Harry gestured for her to walk on inside. The flat was dark, except for the warm yellow lights Nathan had twined around the railing of their terrace and the changing colours of the luminous Christmas tree in the living room. The kitchen was usually left in darkness, as was the rest of the flat, but since their eyes were used to night outside, it wasn’t hard to navigate their way to the stairs. They took their jackets off, and without her leather jacket on, Y/N was very aware of how much of her skin was exposed to Harry. Her dress showed off her legs, arms, and parts of her back to him, and she knew that, if he walked behind her up the stairs, he would get a good look at her bum.

She took her boots off and started up the stairs with her purse in her hand, hearing Harry make his way up them as well. If any man were to walk behind her up the stairs, Harry was one she trusted not to take the mick, to not look up her skirt and make her feel uncomfortable. But… after everything… she still didn’t want him to see her knickers. However, facing her door, she heard Harry walking up the stairs. Taking a deep breath, she turned around to face him once he reached the first floor. What happened next happened so suddenly that Y/N barely managed to wrap her head around it before the moment was gone.

She had just turned around to face Harry when he walked up over to her. Taking a step back at the sudden closeness, she felt herself breathe in sharply as Harry’s face lingered only centimetres from her own again. Though the person standing in front of her was a man, a completely different person, something inside her brain took her back to that night when they were 16. He hadn’t been this close to her since then, had not touched her or looked at her like this since then. His eyes flicked down to her lips, and then to meet hers, wet lips parting as if the anticipation was killing him.

And Y/N had to painfully admit, it was killing her, too. As much as she had tried to fight it, it was impossible to now. She wanted Harry to kiss her. Not tenderly kiss her like you would peck a person you were in love with, or to gently rub his thumb over her cheek as a show of affection, or to hug her tight when they met up for lunch. No, she wanted him to fucking kiss her. She wanted him to grab her face and kiss her hard; desperately, needily. She wanted them to fumble to take each other’s clothes off, and for him to make up for how bad that first time together was. There was absolutely no denying it, Y/N wanted Harry. She really wanted him. All these months, all those moments spent trying to push the thought away, she simply could not anymore. There was a hunger inside her for him, but only in the sexual sense. She could never fall in love with this man, she just wanted to fuck him. And she wanted to fuck him bad.

Her own lips parted, and she looked into his eyes with an expression she hoped he could read, because she needed him to understand. Once again, Harry raised his hand, hovering between them as if he were unsure what to do with it. Fingers twitching, she could see he was conflicted, whether he should touch her cheek as it looked like he wanted to, or if he should stop himself. Y/N let her eyes fall to his hand, to tell him she wanted him to touch her. She wanted to feel him somewhere, anywhere on her. Just looking at him, she could see he wanted the same as her. He wanted to feel her body, to explore it in a completely different way to last time.

Harry’s hand fell out of view, and just as Y/N thought he was going to let it hang limply, uselessly, at his side, she felt something on her waist. A warm pressure, snaking around the black linen of her dress. She waited for him to pull her closer to him, for their torsos to connect, but it never happened.

“Y/N,” Harry whispered, eyes falling to her lips again.

She did not answer, instead just tilted her head so it would be easier for him to kiss her. With her eyelids hanging low over her eyes, her body language not showing any sign of protesting, and with her lips parted, Y/N hoped the message was coming across clearly. Harry leaned in closer, his nose almost touching hers. Her heart was beating so fast and hard it hurt. Her hands were clammy. All her attention focused on Harry and the electricity they created on that spot where his hand rested. He leaned down, lips hovering just over the crook of her neck, making her close her eyes. Breath against the hair of her shoulder, lightning shooting up Y/N’s back. He slowly leaned back out again, nose hovering beside hers. The anticipation was absolutely killing her.

“I…” But he drifted off, eyes falling to her lips again. She could feel his breath on her mouth, could smell his cologne. The tension was making her dizzy, she just wanted him to bloody kiss her already.

She was just about to do it herself when she felt his warm hand drop off her waist. She blinked, and the next second, Harry took a step back. He only looked at her, mouth working as if he was trying to find the right words to say, but there were none. So, as if blinking himself awake from a sort of dream, he took another step back. Suddenly, he opened the door into his room. He stopped in the doorway, looking back at Y/N. Again, he tried to say something that must have died on the tip of his tongue, because again, he did not utter a word. It looked like he physically could not say them out loud. Instead, he closed the door, leaving Y/N standing alone out in the dark hallway.

Y/N’s eyes rested on the door to the bathroom, trying to go over in her head where it had just happened. Had… Had Harry just walked away just now? Had he teased her in the pub, then done almost the same just now, only to walk away? What had gone wrong? Why had he not kissed her? What had made him step away? What had made him stop? Y/N could not answer a single one of the questions, and she doubted Harry would give her any. She closed her eyes, resting her head against her door behind her. This was exactly why she had not wanted to live with Harry, this was why she had not given in to his charms and flirts before. Now, because of what had just happened, because of how awkward that had just been, they were back to square one. Just living under the same roof as him infuriated her. She could not fucking stand Harry Styles.

NEXT UPDATE: Sunday, 4th April, 9PM GMT!

Huge thanks to my AMAZING beta readers! 🏛️ @aileenacoustic 🏛️ @devil-in-bw-the-sheets​​ 🏛️ @sunflowerstache​ 🏛️ @fromyourstrulyh​​ 🏛️

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[infinitestarsintheskye]

For fic title thing: “starry eyes sparking up my darkest nights” if you feel like it 🥰?

Jemma has just been dumped, via text, by her long term boyfriend. She’s been wallowing for days, but her best friend/flatmate Daisy convinces her to get up, get dressed and go out with her, to get drunk and forget the whole thing for just one night. They get to the club, Daisy runs into a few friends, but sticks with Jemma. A guy keeps coming up to them, asking if they want to dance. They keep saying no, he keeps coming back. It’s still fairly early in the evening but Jemma decides she’s had enough, and leaves Daisy with her friends and heads to get a taxi home. She’s aware of the guy following her down the street, and she gets a fright when she hears a loud voice and feels an arm slip into hers.

“There you are sweetheart!!” The voice says

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Are you ready to go??”

Jemma turns and sees a guy she recognises from one of her uni classes. With a quick glance over her shoulder, she sees the guy who was following her has backed off, thanks to the presence of this new guy.

“Thank you.” She whispers furiously.

“No problem.” He replies.

“I was leaving early too. Clubs aren’t really my thing, but I got dragged out by my pal Hunter. Must have left just after you, and saw that guy following you. Thought I should do something, just in case.” He smiled gently.

His eyes were very blue. They seemed to cut through the darkness. From what Jemma remembered, he always sat at the back of the lecture hall, scribbling away. She’d always thought he was handsome. Handsome, if not a bit pasty. And he had a lovely smile. It illuminated his eyes even further.

“You’re in one of my classes aren’t you?” Jemma asked tentatively as they continued to walk towards the taxi rank.

Fitz went a bit pink, thought it was hard to tell in the dark.

“Y-yeah. Professor Vaughn.” He stammered.

Jemma soon found out how intelligent he really was. Beyond intelligent. He was brilliant. They chatted endlessly as they walked, until finally they came to the front of the taxi queue.

“Which way are you going? We could share a taxi?” Jemma offered.

Fitz spluttered and gave an address just two streets away from hers.

“Perfect!” Jemma smiled, pulling open the taxi door.

Fitz just stared blankly at her for a moment, before climbing in after her. They chatted some more on the taxi ride home and Jemma couldn’t believe that they’d never spoken before. They so instantly got on, it was as if it was always meant to be. The taxi driver finally pulled up to Jemma’s flat, and she found herself hesitating.

“Do-do you want to come up??” She spluttered.

If she’d been paying attention, she woukd have seen the taxi drivers eyebrows go up and let out a little snort. Fitz looked as if someone had hit him over the head, struck dumb.

“W-what?!?”

“Y-you could show me that design you were working on. I have paper that would be big enough for you to sketch on??” Jemma offered.

Fitz blinked at her for a moment, before nodding, and fumbling to pay the taxi driver who was now shaking his head and grinning at them.

Fitz never got round to showing Jemma the design. Snogging on her couch was however a much better use of his evening, he would later reflect.

When they both emerged out of Jemma’s bedroom the next morning, looking rather tousled, Jemma wearing Fitz’s shirt, Daisy’s screams could be heard in the next county, demanding the full story at once.

Jemma never did think that leaving a club early would lead to her meeting her future husband, but stranger things have happened.

Send me a title and I will write the story to go with it

[musedblues]

Born To Love You [Part: 1]

summary: When Gwilym ropes you into a lie, the truth becomes painfully obvious. When Joe makes things harder, there's no telling if he even has a clue.

a/n: Welcome to my Joe and Gwil love triangle! I hope you're ready for the wild ride! Below, I'm tagging some lovely friends and mutuals who might be interested in reading and/or spreading the word❗I will not tag anyone in the following chapters unless you ask. As always any and all kinds of feedback are greatly appreciated 💖

w/c: 4k

Part 2

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

"Say 'bye-bye!'" You bounced Olive on your hip, encouraging the almost 15-month-old to practice expanding her very limited vocabulary. You stood facing Gwilym in a sunbeam stained train station, among a sea of comers and goers.

"Oh, no, don't make that face love," Gwilym whined when his daughter whipped her head between you and her father, wearing big sad eyes and the mention of saying goodbye. He reached out to brush away her curls, stoping her from fretting any further.

"Come on, it's just like every other day." You plead, giving Gwilym a similarly pitiful glance, a warning not to blow his parting out of proportion. There was a fifty-fifty chance that Olive might lose it the moment her father disappeared from her line of sight, and you didn't need him to make saying goodbye any harder. The sound of a train whistle cut through the air and a crackly announcement came over the loudspeakers. It was time for Gwilym to go.

"Right, but it's not is it?" Gwilym pouted, reaching for his suitcase and huffing a sigh. He was off to London to go live his dreams, acting in a film organized by real rock and roll royalty. It was the first time he'd spend so long away from his daughter, but did you forget to mention he was living his dream?

"We'll visit you in a month, Gwil! Try and have a little fun, huh?"

///

Back at the loft you shared with your best friend his boyfriend, neither of them were home yet. So it was easy to settle Olive down for a nap. The weight of her father's absence hadn't set in yet, so with the miraculous bit of quiet, you started in on a long list of chores. But it wasn't long before one of your flatmates came to disrupt the silence.

"And, how's the happy couple?" James asked with a teasing smirk as he shut the door, meandering to meet you in the kitchen. You hadn't seen each other in a couple of days since you'd stayed with Gwilym, per his request to spend as much time with Olive as possible before he'd left.

"Gwil and I are not a couple." You reminded in the tone of a breaking news anchor, though this was the billionth time you had to say so.

"Then why, when people ask how long you've been together, do you answer with a date?" James pestered, shifting to help you finish putting away the dishes.

"You know it's not worth explaining to every odd passer-by the strange details of our co-parentship. And when we do have the time, no one believes us anyway."

You and Gwilym had given up the long spiel ages ago. Now, when people asked how long you'd been together, you just estimated how long you'd known each other and gave the years out like the prized answer each old woman in line at the grocery store was anxious to hear. Then you'd go off, together. You always seemed to be together.

It started when Gwilym moved in down the street to the home large enough for its own groundskeeper. You greeted your new neighbor with an invitation to one of James' big weekend parties. Gwilym showed up and chatted with everyone like the oldest friend of all. So, you invited him back to the next get together. And the one after that. And more often than anything, you and he would wind up sharing a laugh on the kitchen floor over a bit of leftover takeaway while the parties raged on in the living room.

When you'd had a rough go of a certain day ahead of one of those regularly scheduled parties, Gwilym managed to make it to your home before you did. In his clutch, a bottle of fancy liquor he'd saved for emergency over the top terrible days.

That was the night you discovered that when you were drunk enough, there was something about Gwilym Lee you couldn't resist. His icy blue eyes filled you with an extra bit of warmth. His usually fond smile turned sultry. He followed you to your room, and a tradition of hooking up after one too many shots was born. It happened enough, in fact, that you decided to give it a go when you weren't plastered. But try as you might, the fire between you and Gwilym proved only to rage when alcohol aided it, so you called the whole thing off.

But... then you missed your period. And Gwil was right down the street. And he was always over anyway. And he was thrilled to bits when you told him how you'd planned to keep the baby- his baby.

"Well, it's been a couple of years now, love. Baby or no baby, he's always one step behind you."

"And we tried, James. Gwil wants the same kind of love I do. And we tried for it. You know that." You defended, getting rather upset only on account of how your attempts to really be together never worked. How as desperately as you tried to force it, you and Gwilym couldn't seem to fall in love. Of course, you were glad he was around, and you were moonstruck by the little girl you'd gotten out of the deal. But damn if you weren't a little lonely at night.

"Alright, alright..." James came away from his playful teasing and shifted with an idea blooming in his gaze. "Let's go out! Like we used to. Come on, I'll get Andy to babysit. You know there's nothing he loves more than your child." James chuckled, coaxing you to have a little fun.

"You, James. He loves you." You dreamed of the day someone looked at you the way James and Andy looked at each other. Witnessing their connection was the only reason you hadn't lost hope that romance existed at all.

"Well, he and I are moving away the first of the year and there's no one I love more than you. So let's go out before we're too far to terrorize the same city."

James got his way. The pair of you waited up for Andy to agree to surprise babysitting duty, and then you went straight to some local dive bar.

Your best friend spent the whole car ride there inflating your ego. With one hand on the wheel, James took his other to curl his long dark fingers around your shoulder that he shook while repeating mantras like "You're so hot no one will care about your baggage" and "You'll find the right guy who isn't put off by your familial facade." and "You will find your love."

You'd always longed to fall in love. The romantical kind of love you'd seen idiots slip into and cry over on the movie screen. But it wasn't at the bar that night. There, James only yammered on about his homemade jewelry and the shop he planned to open next spring in the heart of London. How he'd miss you. The sickening scent of fireball overwhelmed the air and a bunch of lonely looking girls lined the bar top, happy to throw themselves into the arms of the first guy who looked their way.

After lingering at a high table with your best friend and shouting conversation over the 80's music blasting from the jukebox, you called it a night and went home to your darling daughter.

///

Finally, it was September. Gwilym had begged you to bring Olive to London for a month-long visit once he'd settled into the swing of his new job. And you weren't going to pass up the mini-adventure.

Gwilym was a sight for sore eyes, smiling warmly as he greeted you at the train station. Though Olive was too busy sleeping to partake in the reunion. She looked so much like him, even with her matching blue eyes shut to dream.

"You have a beautiful family!" An elder chimed on her shuffle out of the train station, waving a boney hand toward Gwilym as she walked away. You weren't opposed to thanking her because it was true. Just because you weren't really with Gwilym didn't mean anything. You and he had this co-parenting thing down to a science by now, and you were eternally grateful he was around.

The ride to his Airbnb was very short, time enough for you to brag about how easy it was to take so much time off work. Before you knew it, you arrived at the quaint flat with Olive still out cold. You carried her inside behind Gwilym who politely offered to manage your bags.

You pushed past a brilliant blue front door to posh one-room flat with an open floor plan. You could see the kitchen from the living room you'd entered into, and passed by a completely black and white tiled bathroom on your way to the bedroom. There, was a cozy-looking king-sized bed, and you found Gwilym had already set up Olive's travel cot in the corner. You rested her in the raised bed, feeling a twinge of gratitude for Gwil's thinking ahead.  

"Do you think she'll be good to go out, soon? We've been invited to dinner. I'm very excited for you to meet everyone." Gwilym grinned, settling onto the comfortable navy blue sofa where you kicked back, too weary from travel to begin unpacking just yet. You decided if Olive woke up in time, you'd go. Low and behold that's what happened.

Only after she crawled delightedly into her father's lap, clearly surprised to see him in the new strange setting. Everything seemed settled into place, with your family back together. Olive was happy as a lark on the car ride to dinner, Gwilym laughed most of the way there, too.

You were miles away from home, but there wasn't much to be missed among such sweet, familiar company.

When you made it a casual brewery, you slipped into the loo around the corner to give your fussy daughter a change.

Then in what seemed to be a blink of an eye, it was time to meet the castmates Gwilym hadn't stopped talking about since your arrival. At a comfortably large table in the back of the restaurant, two strikingly beautiful faces held the space to themselves.

"I see a baby!" A man with dark curls spoke up in a unique lilt. It was easy to put his name to his face with the way Gwilym had gushed over his castmates on the ride over.

"And you must be Rami."  You nodded his way with a grin, you would have shaken his hand if yours weren't full. There was something magnetic about the fellow, something about his presence that made you feel as if you'd already met.

"It's lovely to meet you, y/n." Rami drew, turning his warm glance from the baby in your arms, to you.

"We've heard so much about the two of you!" The girl at the actor's side spoke up, in a genuine tone. She had to be Lucy. They way Gwilym explained her earlier with words like "sparkling" and "radiant" seemed flirty but you saw now, they were honest descriptors.

You greeted her kindly, saying something about how you'd also heard a lot of good about her and the man she stood just near.

Rami was leaning close to shake Olive's little hand, and to think they said chivalry was dead. Olive took the invitation to lean away from the hold she had on you to place either of her small hands on the sides of Rami's face. He peered at the babe in wonder, as if he might burst into tears.

"She's precious," Lucy spoke up while Rami tousled your daughter's curls.

"Are the others on their way?" Gwilym asked, pulling out a seat for you as your party came away from the greetings.

"Yes! In fact, before they get here..." Lucy spoke up, settling across the table from you as Olive clamored into Gwilym's lap. The charming woman started digging around in her absurdly large tote, pulling a small sparkling gift bag from it, like Mary Poppins might have.

"A welcome gift, for you!" Lucy extended the present with a smile that matched the sparkle coming from the glitter-covered package.

"Oh, my God." You let out a stunned breath of a laugh, hesitantly taking the gift from her clutch. You'd literally just met the girl and she was already a better friend than some you'd known for years.

"My sister is a designer..." Lucy explained as you unveiled a modest faux leather clutch. There were gemstones peppered across the broad stitching that reminded you of opulent fossils.

"This is so incredibly kind, you shouldn't have-" You gazed up to the sunbeam of a girl across from you.

"Actually I picked it out." Rami boasted, leaning over on his elbow with a stretchy grin. Olive took the chance to snatch the glittery gift bag from your loose clutch.

"You've won them both over, it seems." Gwil smiled, raising a brow your way, everyone chuckling in response.

"My best friend makes his own jewelry," You explained, admiring the delicately designed accessory. James would adore the way the gems were stitched onto the fabric. "He'll be jealous of this no doubt." You giggled, catching Lucy's eye as you felt for your phone in your pocket. You were anxious to take a photo and show it off to him, but...

"Oh, I think I left my phone in the loo." You realized, standing as your dinner guests excuses your brief leave. With Olive happy in Gwils lap, you shuffled off to fetch your phone.

Luckily it was tucked away in the corner of the baby changing station where you left it in a haste. You spared an extra beat to check your look in the mirror, feeling a bit overwhelmed by the ultra-pretty company that had made up your dinner table so far.

On your way around the corner to join the party once more, you were too busy pulling up James' contact in your phone to watch where you were going.

You apologized right as you'd run into someone on the other side. The figure reached a hand out to steady the both of you. But as soon as your apology died down, the person you collided with spoke up.

"Holy shit... you're pretty."

The statement wasn't coy, or sultry. It seemed to be stated as though the person had just found something they'd hadn't even known was missing.

As your eyes traveled up a well-dressed figure, you decided the man in question was an actor. You'd come to know many since being acquainted with Gwil. Actors were a breed much like zoo animals, nice to look at but wild and totally unpredictable.

You responded with a nervous laugh.

But when your eye's landed on the mystery man's, something happened. It wasn't phenomenal, or unnerving, but something, somewhere, shifted. His were like smokey quartz, a deep color with a twinge of clarity that reminded you of a fossil. Just like the stones on the clutch you'd been given minutes ago. There was a soft smile on his lips that reached his eyes, and his sculpted face was almost eerily familiar to you. You couldn't help but stare.

You watched his face focus on yours with no sign of any motive besides expressing his interest in you. Somehow, even having just met, you realized there was something more he was trying to say. So with a small nod, you encouraged the words from the tip of his tongue. With a great deal of care, the man said,

"You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die? Well, right when I looked at you, I'm like, pretty sure I just saw my entire future."

Damn, that would have been cheesy if he wasn’t speaking so delicately. Was that a shiver up your spine? Before a decent enough response could escape from your frozen brain, the energy around you shifted dramatically.

All of a sudden, the dark ball cap placed on the stranger's head flew off, and Gwilym's familiar laugh broke your stilled timewarp.

"Look, he's got a perm!" Gwil was clutching the stranger's ball cap in one hand, holding Olive in the other. Your baby was giggling, reaching for the hat Gwilym had stolen with real true laughter.

The man with gemstones for eyes grew a frown and batted Gwilym on the shoulder. His auburn hair was a collection of soft springs, sticking out in all different directions. You were staring again. The stranger snatched his hat back as Gwilym let out a comical sigh.

"I see you've met Joe." Gwilym smiled.

"Joe." You spoke. It took more effort than you'd care to admit to tear your gaze from the beautiful stranger who you realized was meant to join your dinner party all along. He turned his gemstone eyes back to yours and offered a watered-down version of the smile he gave you moments ago.

"This is Y/N." Gwilym held his hand out to you, and normally you would have taken it, and eased next to Gwil. But something about lying to Joe's innocent and remarkably shaped face made your heart lurch. "And this, of course, is Olive." Gwil went on.

Joe's happy expression shined bright as you'd seen it yet, when Gwilym coaxed his daughter to manage a wave. Then he directed his friend back toward the table where the rest of the cast could be found. As you followed close behind Joe, Gwil turned to speak to you.

"She kept trying to eat the glittery gift bag, so we took a trip to throw it away." Gwilym explained, bouncing Olive a little as he told you his story, "Have you got any emergency toys on hand?" He wondered as you moved back to the table.

"Are you kidding?" You chuckled, approaching your spot. Under your seat you retrieved your bag, unveiling Olive's prized possession. A plastic toy bat, with one red eye missing. She never left it out of her grasp for long, and where it even came from you could never quite recall.

That's when the last of the group arrived. Another blonde called Ben. He looked like a fallen angel with messy hair and striking features. You were in intimidating company all around, but somehow, conversation flowed with ease....

"Rami is amazing I can't believe we are lucky enough to work with an absolute legend." Joe burst, falsely bowing to the castmate he raved about.

"A legend, huh?" You wondered, looking to Rami who was already shaking his head.

"No, no. A children's movie franchise, some popular television series, and a handful of B movies do not make me worthy to be here at all." He meant it. You pursed your lips in surprise. He seemed to have a decorated history, and a humble heart all the same.

"Our resident movie star is actually Joseph. Do you know what he was in?" Ben smirked, his clover colored eyes glancing hopefully at you.

"Uh..." You stalled, feeling that same unexplainable shift in the universe as your eyes lock with the man's in the ball cap. You glanced at Joe's gently upturned lips and wondered if his smile was shaped perfectly to cast a spell on you. Thank God Ben mistook your lingering stare on Joe as a sign that you were clueless to his acting history.

"Joe was in the legendary, groundbreaking, tear-jerker that was the very first Jurassic Park."

"And the second!" Rami pointed out.

"Oh my God?" You asked through surprise, suddenly snapping your gaze from Joe's lips to the rest of his face as it turned a dusty shade of pink.

"He's a star." Ben prodded. Rami was casting an overblown lovestruck gaze to Joe, who made some sly remark to his co star too quiet for you to hear.

"I used to love those films growing up." You happily admitted.

"Well, how come your lover has never seen any of them?" Joe gave Gwilym a playful nudge, smiling to the child in his lap even though Olive's focus was on the dirty plastic menu she couldn't quite reach. Before you could explain how you and Gwilym were hardly lovers, and scold him for failing to have seen a classic in the same breath, you were cut off.

"You've never seen Jurassic Park?" Lucy asked Gwilym in shock.

"I was the kid who kept almost dying." Joe smiled, his perfect American teeth flashing your way for the first real-time ever. It was quite a sight indeed.

"Spoilers!" Gwilym whined, swatting at Joe.

"I'm glad to see you made it out alive." You laughed. He was still smiling at you. "I'll have to watch it again very soon, with this nugget of knowledge."

"Yes, she's at the perfect age to learn about the animal kingdom, it's fun for the whole family you know?" Ben spoke, reaching over to poke your daughter's arm. Olive giggled, just as taken by all of her new admirers.

"I think we're off to a good start." You informed. " She's obsessed with birds. That thing is her favorite." You pointed to the plastic bat with wide bony wings between your daughter's hands. She'd lose her cool when the old toy wasn't within reach.

"I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. I love that kid." Ben declared. Gwilym tickled Olive's side, causing her to let out another sweet little giggle. And from then on everyone was glued to conversation about your darling daughter. Gwilym's new castmates seemed more like lifelong friends as they tried to get Olive to say each of their names. She almost got Ben's, and you could practically see his heart melt.

You took Olive back at the end of the night, making your way to the doors of the restaurant as everyone started saying goodbye for the evening. Gwilym was busy listening to Rami do some impression as you parted ways with Lucy, who was quickly on the rise to becoming your new best friend. As you approached the entrance doors however, Joe was blocking your leave. He was stood out of earshot of everyone else, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Hey I'm sorry about earlier- I really didn't mean-" The guy started to apologize as you approached him.

"No! Don't worry about it. I thought it was cute." You admitted a little too quickly, but started to stammer a different response when Joe furrows his brow "Like, funny. But not like I was laughing at you, just- it's okay. Okay?"

You awkwardly smiled, adjusting the hold you had on Olive. You cut him off because you didn't want him to take back what he'd said. No one had ever said anything like it to you. Especially not anyone like Joe.

"Okay." Joe agreed nervously, grinning all the while.

"So... see you tomorrow?" You asked in a hopeful tone- clearing the air and crossing your fingers to see him again.

"Yeah. Of course." Joe nodded, watching as you slowly started to move away from the interaction.

///

On the ride back to the home Gwilym was renting, he was unusually quiet. You thought he'd want to rave about his newfound friends some more, but figured he was probably just exhausted by all the fun.

But even as you shifted topics to chatter about and eventually shuffled into the Airbnb, Gwil was still rather silent. Something was off, and you were worried enough about his unusual disposition to ask what the matter was.

Gwilym nodded as if he'd been caught, and suggested you had a talk after Olive fell asleep for the night.

You tried to stick as close to her normal routine as possible while you put the babe to bed.  Thankfully as your worry mounted over Gwilym's odd demeanor, Olive fell asleep.

You eased into the softly lit living room, admiring the decor until you spotted Gwilym wringing his hands as he paced, waiting for you.

"I fucked up." Gwilym turned to you, somber in expression as you stalled in the entryway.

"I... I panicked and well..." He went on, "Lucy and Ben think we're married."

"Married?"

"Tonight, when we were leaving Lucy asked how long you and I had been married and- and it was a reflex to answer how we usually do when strangers ask how long we've been together. Only I understood after the fact that Lucy was asking something very different."

Gwilym's face contorted into something you'd liken to worry as you stood gaping at him.

"And Ben was there and... they just kept asking these questions. And, well, I dug myself in too deep to take any of it back. I feel so stupid." Gwil fretted, pacing over toward the navy sofa and resting on the arm of it.

While you stood taking in the shocking new info, a more heavy realization settled over your thoughts. You might as well have been married to Gwilym Lee. He was always around, and you always seemed to want him to be.

"Gwil... what the fuck?" You asked, boggled. A little angry, but mostly confused.

"I don't know why I just kept lying. I don't know what to do now, I'm sorry," He hung his head as you went on processing his confession.

You couldn't really blame Gwilym, the two of you had been basically lying to acquaintances for years now. But anyone who took the time to actually ask was always given your long confusing backstory. Actually lying was new. But you just couldn't blame him. So... so what if his new castmates thought you'd vowed to each other till death parted you? They'd fade from one screen to another, like most of all of Gwilym's former castmates had before; coworkers who barely took the time to understand the inner workings of your relationship with Gwilym. Because you were always together. What was the use in trying to explain that away?

"I guess..." You sighed, stepping close to Gwilym as you thought out loud. "We'll just say that... Olive kept trying to take our rings off. If anyone asks why we don't wear any." There wasn't much of a different choice, was there?

"We... we will?" Gwilym lifted his head and peered confusedly up to you.

"Well, it's either that or I explain you lied and embarrass you in front of everyone." You let out a humorless laugh, hating the way your comment made Gwilym cringe.

"And there's no use in that. So, if anyone asks, that's what we'll say." You decided, submitting into the spot fate carved out for you alongside Gwilym.

"Thank you." He nodded meaningfully, daring to shoot you a look that relayed just how much he meant what he said.

"Looks like we'll be sharing a bed to top it all off." You chuckled sleepily, spinning away from the main room.

"Well the couch can-" Gwilym sounded pitiful as you drifted away.

"It's a big bed, Gwil. Come on." You sighed, shuffling toward it.

As you silently unpacked and settled your things into the places they'd remained for three more weeks, you came upon the gift Lucy had greeted you with so selflessly. You admired the clutch and the little gems in the sticking that reminded you of fossils, that in turn reminded you of a certain set of eyes.

When you floated to bed with the simple thought of Joe's gaze locking on yours, your chest filled with feathers.

As you closed your eyes to the long day, a dreadful realization settled the flutter in your stomach.

You'd finally found the man you'd been looking for, but you'd signed up for so much more with another.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

@imtheinvisiblequeen​ @im-an-adult-ish​ @sonic-volcano​ @joemazzmatazz​ @almightygwil​ @inthedayswhenlandswerefew​ @slutforbritdick​ @drivenbybri​

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Any new “Doctor John” type stories, O Great One?

Hi Nonny!

I certainly do! :D Here you are!

DOCTOR / CARETAKER JOHN Pt. 3

See Also:

Doctor / Caretaker John

Doctor / Caretaker John Pt. 2

New World, Old Words by thedeafwriter (G, 641 w., 1 Ch. || Deaf Sherlock, Sherlock Whump, Pining Sherlock, Marriage Proposal, Fluff, Always John) – It was disconcerting to experience. One second, he was laying on the table, breathing in the gas that would make him sleep, the next, he was dragging his eyes open to look around the bright room, trying to wake up.

Promise of Sussex by LittleLongHairedOutlaw (T, 705 w., 1 Ch. || First Person POV Sherlock, Sherlock Whump, Angst, Pining, Ambiguous Ending) – John tries to keep Sherlock conscious after he’s been shot on a case.

Idiot by Anesthesiologist (T, 1,229 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Alternate TGG / Explosion, BAMF John, Sherlock Whump, Inner Monologue, John Saves Sherlock, POV Sherlock) – What the heck happened? He remembered the pool and Moriarty, but then what? Had he been dying?

Angel by MrsNoggin (T, 1,513 w., 1 Ch. || Winglock, Friendship, Chromoesthesia, Drugging) – John is an angel. That can be the only explanation. A response to the challenging request for a realistic wingfic one-shot.

They’re Taking My Wisdom by whitchry9 (K+, 1,939 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Drugging, Dentists, Friendship, Anxious Sherlock, Humour) – Sherlock goes to the dentist. Of course, being Sherlock, things have to be complicated. Oh and drugs. They’re always fun.

Stay by sussexbound (M, 2,067 w., 1 Ch. || Post TAB, Suicidal Ideation Mention, Implied / Referenced Drug Use, Kissing, Love Confessions, Frottage, Coming in Pants) –  “Why? Why did you do it? Hmm…?” He takes a deep breath, waits, lets it out again. “Look at me.” There’s no denying him when he takes this tone. “Why did you kill him? Hmm…? For her? After…” A muscle twitches in the corner of John’s eye, and he clamps his jaw down tightly, swallows and sniffs a little before continuing. “For her? After everything she’s done?” “For you.” Before he can even stop himself. Just like that.

The Rational Machine by Solstice Zero (K, 2,924 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt / Comfort, Malnourishment / Fainting, Doctor / Minder John) – Sherlock passes out. John muses on the reasons why. Containing an absorbing case, two bags of shopping, and a few apples.

Better Late Than Never by sussexbound (NR (T), 3,021 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4 / TFP Doesn’t Exist, Sherlock POV, Love Confessions, Drunk Sherlock / Sober John, John Takes Care of Sherlock, First Kiss, Jealous Sherlock, Emotional Turmoil) – He suddenly wants John Watson out of his bedroom, out of his flat, out of his life, because he has been lying to himself these last few months, he realises. He doesn’t want John here, not with the way things are. He doesn’t want 221b Baker Street to be nothing more than rest stop John returns to on his journeys between women. He doesn’t want to play co-parent if Rosie is going to be snatched away from him and placed in the arms of whatever nameless woman du jour John lands on next. He doesn’t want to keep being so careful, so generous, so, so…

The Oolong Disaster by unicornpoe (T, 4,151 w., 1 Ch. || John’s Beard, Fluff, Humour, Frustrated Sherlock, John Takes Care of Sherlock, Case Fic-ish, Pining Sherlock, First Kiss, Possessive Sherlock) – John has a beard. Sherlock has a panic attack.

Experiment by Gwen’s Blue Box (K+, 4,222 w., 3 Ch. || Non-Con Drugging, Hurt Comfort, Friendship) – Of course John has always known about his flatmate’s irregular sleeping habits, especially when they’re on a case. This time, however, the case is taking longer and longer, and soon John starts to worry. But there’s not much he can do, is there? Because drugging Sherlock isn’t an option. Not yet, maybe, but will it be soon? {{CW: John drugs Sherlock without his consent}}

Welcome Home, John by slashscribe (G, 5,504 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S3, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Awkwardness, Stabbed Sherlock, Protective Sherlock, Panic Attack (Sherlock), Self Esteem Issues, Love Confessions, First Kiss) – When John moves back to 221B, he thinks he’s the broken one, but after a while, it becomes clear that he might not be correct.

He’s Not Paid Enough to Deal with This Shit by janonny (T, 9,828 w., 1 Ch. || Personal Assistant AU || Humour, First Meetings, Snarky John) – One of the first things John did was to write up step-by-step instructions on how to conduct a proper job interview before handing it over to Mycroft for his perusal. There were no kidnapping, deserted car parks or stolen therapy notes anywhere on that list. (Or the one where John returned from the war and ended up working for Mycroft as his personal assistant slash doctor on retainer. Everything was fine, until he was sent to post bail for one Sherlock Holmes.)

And Here We Are by J_Baillier (T, 12,416 w., 2 Ch. || ASiP Fic, Alternating First Person POV, Drama, Friendship, Mild Case Fic, Autism Spectrum Sherlock, Insecure Sherlock, Protective John, Pining, Homophobia, Loneliness, Angst, Humour, Domestics, Morbid Fluff, Kidnapping) – All the little things we never got to see when an army doctor and a consulting detective were adjusting to sharing a flat. And a life.

Shuteye Shenanigans by Ayakae (K+, 13,263 w., 8 Ch. || Post-TRF, Friendship / Epic Bromance, John’s Nightmares, Angsty Fluff, Bed Sharing, Humour, Cuddles, Taking Care of Each Other, Domestics) – John Watson has never slept with Sherlock Holmes. Never ever ever. And never will, thank you very much. Well, there was that one time, but John didn’t count that. It was completely different, just like the second time it happened. And the third. And the fourth. Epic bromance, but it can be read as pre-slash if you wish.

First Response by Arwen Jade Kenobi (T, 13,516 w., 8 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Five and Ones, Whump / Injury) – Five times John had to perform first aid on Sherlock and one time Sherlock had to perform it on John.

Pattern Behaviour by SilentAuror (E, 14,835 w., 1 Ch. || POV First Person Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Introspection, Stroppy Sherlock, Light Humour, Friendship, John Takes Care of Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Wall Kisses, Fluffy Angst, Happy Ending) – Sherlock doesn’t even know why he resents John’s dates so much. Until the day he does know. Slight angst, unrequited feelings (but don’t let that scare you off!)

Software Malfunction by tiger_in_the_flightdeck (E, 16,679 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Android Sherlock, Love Story, Unhappy Ending, Angst, Suicide, Jealousy) – “You think I can’t love you? Just because you’re made with metal, and detailed programming?” The doctor propped himself on his elbow, and looked down at it. “I am nothing but blood and bone, and tissue. Things just managed get mashed together in a manner that made me like this. Just like you were put together to make you how you are. When I kiss you-” he did so, briefly, to prove his point. Then more deeply, and lingering, because he could. “When I touch you, or smile at you, does it make you feel different from when others have done it in the past?”

Turn Left at the Park by Glenmore (NR (E), 37,409 w., 28 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting / ASiP Divergence, Case Fic, Depression, Suicidal Ideation, Loneliness, No Mary, Possessive Sherlock, Fluff & Angst, Nightmares/PTSD, Sherlock Saves John, Sherlock Whump-ish, Doctor John) – So what would have happened if John hadn’t walked through the park and met Stamford?What if, instead, he walked around the park and just went home?

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w., 16 Ch. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because…new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride… prepare for blast off. Part 1 of the SpaceBois go to Space series

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—��Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

Summit Fever by J_Baillier (M, 78,802 w., 18 Ch. || Mountain Climber AU || POV John, Angst, Tragedy, Suicidal Ideation, The Himalayas, Mountain Guide / Doctor John, Mount Climber Sherlock, Loneliness, Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Injured Sherlock / Sherlock Whump, Pining John) – After graduating from medical school, John Watson followed his heart to the Himalayas. Ten years later, he’s a haunted cynic working for his ex-lover’s trekking and mountaineering company. Will leading an expedition to Annapurna I—the most lethal of all the world’s highest mountains—shake John out of his reverie, and who is the mystery client added to the group at the last minute?

The Wedding Garments by cwb (E, 105,390 w., 36 Ch. || Alternate Future AU || Alternate First Meeting, Dating / Arranged Marriages, Romance, First Kiss/Time, Heavy Petting, Cuddles, POV Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn / Falling in Love / Dev. Rel., Nervous/Anxious Sherlock, Jealous/Cranky, Hiking, Vacation Homes / Honeymoon, Sherlock’s Family, Horny John/Sherlock, Patient John, Massages, Hand Jobs, Assassination Plots, Hand Jobs / Oral Sex, Case Fic, Emotional Love Making, Bath Time Fun) – This is the story of a young consulting detective who wants nothing to do with marriage and an army doctor who wants to find true love. It’s 2020 post-Brexit England and the British government is encouraging arranged marriages. Candidates meet through state-run agencies and date in hopes of finding love (and tax benefits). Sherlock doesn’t need or want a spouse, at least not until John Watson shows up. Hesitant to give in to his more carnal urges because of the way they derail his mind, how will Sherlock progress toward the more intimate aspects of a relationship? The answer lies in a very special wedding gift.

[diffident-penman]

sep 24, 2019 - 15:14 \\

“I just want to meet some people,” 他說。

每天至少要煮兩餐，即每天至少要出房門兩次，穿過窄巷走到偌大的廚房。進入前總哄在門沿聽裡面有否動靜，到開門一刻仍祈望燈關著，那我就不必與任何人接觸。每次走在灰白兩色的筆直走廊，拖鞋喀啦喀啦地抗議，難免有���陷囹圄的感覺。

或許我真的在牢房裡。

“I just want to meet some people,” he said.

Two meals per day, which means I have to step out of my room, walk across the narrow hallway to the kitchen twice a day. Before entering the kitchen, I always lay my ears on the door, praying that there is no light, hence no people, inside. Every time I walk through the grey and white hallway in my flip flops, with the emptiness of the sound on my feet, I feel like I am in prison.

Perhaps I am.

[scroll down for english version]

我有四個 flatmate（該有五個但一人行蹤未明）：J、S、N 和 W。J、S 和 N 三人早在我摺在房裏時已先認識，從日本來的 W 則早在兩個月前已到達，要上甚麼英文課程。第一次是在廚房遇到他們，那晚我隨便煮了點雞肉蝴蝶粉（我只懂兩道菜，這是一道。），W 已吃過飯，N 則煮了 Tortilla de Patatas 跟 J 和 S 分，我和 W 都有試一點。（挺像早餐吃的東西，但她說是午餐跟夜晚吃的。）晚飯過後，J 和 S 決定去 Pre-party，邀請我和 W 就跟去了。

那派對是 J 和 S 在前一晚球賽認識的人舉辦的，正式派對之先一大群人到不同的 Club 去飲酒聊天。我和 W 無甚麼 Club 的經驗，僅緊緊跟隨其後。Club 裡 J 和 S 到處聊天搭訕，我和 W 則各點了一杯太貴的酒，坐在一旁看、吹水。S 大概意識到我倆實在太「木獨」，間中過來聊幾句。半小時後又轉了另一個場，那裡更嘈吵，人更多更醉——大概是星期五晚酒買一送一的關係吧。我實在討厭那裡的音樂和氣氛，只獨個站在一角按電話，觀看這般眾生相。再要轉場的時候，我跟 W 說我要回去，不去派對了。他跟我說他也不能投入，草草跟 J 和 S 道別以後便隨我回去。

>> sep 20, 2019 \\

>> 大概我永遠都不會明白 Clubbing。他們在吵耳的音樂下搖動身體，隨便找人搭訕，哄在耳邊說話變得庸俗而必要；昏燈裡他們的面孔如幻燈片般變臉，怎變仍是酒精造成的亢奮。然我尚嚮往四五個人喝酒談天，尚迷戀輕聲碎語——似乎我永遠接觸不了他們的快樂，他們也永遠瞭解不了我的。

再想過來實在不好意思：要 J 和 S 照顧我之餘，又好像使到 W 失去參加派對的機會。我實在不敢再麻煩他們，也不想我奇怪的存在搞亂 J - S - N 本來很好的關係，於是決定終日留在房裡，玩玩電腦、看看 Netflix，反正我也自得其樂。

其後數天不少機會聯誼我也缺席了。W 的 IG story 中看到他們有喝有笑的，我卻因為愧疚（以及免得不付錢喝光他們買來的酒）而不再參與。有時我會想這一切，這個「去又唔係、唔去又唔係」的景況都是自己一手造成，怪不得人。兩天前我住的地方有一個 Pizza & Beer Night，我嘗試到 Common Room 認識一下其他人；最後吃了兩塊 Pizza 一罐啤酒，沒有講一句話就逕自離開了。我不願意插入別人的圈子，也不懂開始對話。離去時遙遠見到 J 和 N 正高興地與其他人聊天。

昨晚，我在煮晚餐時聽到他們正籌備要到哪裏玩。S 說他好想認識更多人。我假裝不以為意，煮好吃過後便回到房間關上房門。然而整晚，這句就在腦內單曲循環地不斷播放。

每晚凌晨窗外仍人聲鼎沸，笑聲在空室中特別刺耳。我記起上年去美國時，H 提醒我其實一直有許多機會，但我都一一讓它們溜走。我想，孤獨並不難受，寂寞亦然；明知有排解寂寞的途徑卻無從得之，那才叫異鄉的夜那麼漫長。

I just want to meet more people.

[English version]

I have four flatmates (there should be five but one has not arrived): J, S, N, and W. J, S, and N have already known one another when I am still preparing my stay; W from Japan has arrived two months before for the English classes. The first time I met them is in the kitchen. I cooked a simple chicken & pasta (one of the two dishes I know how to prepare); W has had his dinner; N cooked tortilla de patatas to share with J and S, where W and I tried some. (The tortilla tastes like something you would eat in the morning but she (N) says it’s for lunch and dinner.) After dinner, J and S decided to go to a pre-party. W and I tagged along.

The party was supposedly hosted by a friend of J and S, whom they knew a day before in a football match. Before the official party started, a large group of people had gone to different clubs to drink and chat. W and I don’t have much experience clubbing, so we were just following wherever they went. W and J soon suited themselves by engaging conversation with strangers and friends, while W and I each ordered an overpriced whiskey, sitting on the side and chitchatting. S probably realised the awkwardness from us two wallflowers and sometimes came to update us. We switched to another club – a noisier and more crowded one – after half an hour. The people were distinctly more drunk as there is a 2-for-1 discount every Friday night. I didn’t enjoy the music and vibe there at all, so I just stand aside and use my phone, while watching everyone’s faces. The next time we switched club I told W I might head back to the dorm instead. He responded that he doesn’t feel like going to, so we said a quick goodbye and off we went.

>> sep 20, 2019 \\

>> Maybe I will never understand clubbing. They rock their bodies in such deafening music. They hit up strangers and unmannerly yelling next to their ears. Their faces change under the faint light, yet, however they change, they are still bland hysteric caused by the alcohol. I still adore having a drink and chatting in a small group; I still adore speaking softly and dearly. It seemed to me I would never understand their happiness, neither would they understand mine.

Then when I thought about it, I felt embarrassed about having J and S take care of me, and causing W to leave the party he intended to go. I dare not to cause anyone any more trouble, nor having an awkward self intervening the relationship between J, S and N. So I determined to stay in my room, playing computer games or watching Netflix. “I enjoyed it anyway,” I told myself.

There were a few opportunities in the next few days but I was absent from them. From the Instagram stories of W, I was sure there were having so much fun, but I couldn’t join them out of guilt (and the fact that I would probably drink all their alcohol without paying a dime). Sometimes, I blamed myself that it was I who caused this dilemma – feeling shit both socialising and not socialising. In Sunday there was a pizza & beer night that I went, hoping to meet someone; I had two pizzas and a beer, then I left alone without talking to anyone. I wish not to participate in a circle that I do not belong, nor do I have the ability to initiate a conversation. I left noticing J and N happily chatting in a circle of people.

Last night, when cooking, I heard them discussing where to spend the night. S said he wanted to meet more people. I pretended to have not listened to that and continued my dinner before I head back into the room. Though, in the long night, I had this sentence looping in my head, repeating again and again.

Every midnight there are always people chatting outside. Their laughter echoes the empty room, becoming more and more irritating as the time goes. I remember the day in the US last year, H reminded me of all the opportunities I had, and of those I had slipped away. I think it is not being alone or loneliness that keep me grieving, but the very awareness of having the ability to escape yet unable to, that makes the night in foreign lands so painstakingly lengthy.

I just want to meet more people.

[waystobcwickcd]

OKAY SO MY LIFE ATM COULD BE A DRAMA COMEDY DISASTER BUT LIKE SUCH A QUEER SHOW IT WOULD GIVE PEOPLE L I F E

I’m gonna explain the sitch bc it’s w i l d, please feel free to ask follow up questions, go under the read more for the w i l d e s t ride.

Okay so January. I was in a kinda relationship. It was kinda bc I refused to make it a thing bc commitment = scary. Then I went on a night out and a guy was messaging me after and while I was drunk and asleep the guy I was seeing read my messages so I ended it bc I didn’t reply to any of them and trust was lost. 

SO I had a ho phase an slept with a few people it could have been a montage. Then I ran in an election to be the LGBQ+ Officer for our Student Union (the T is left out bc we have a separate officer). During this week one of my flatmates came out as bi and thanked me for the confidence and I cried for an hour. After a hectic week I found out I won and was very very drunk (also got some very bad news that night but got more drunk to cope). 

So the week after I found out I can’t cope with loss at all and ended up going on some wild nights. On the Tuesday I went to a flat party and the guy who had been messaging me before had been flirting for a while but bc I’m scared of commitment I dropped it and he started talking to another gal but we still remained friends but that night I was being very flirty and spent most of the night sat on his knee. So that night ended with me going home with his best mate and I’m still not sure how. Like my friend was super chill with it and we’re still really good friends so I’m glad.

But like the sex was great and we did it again in the morning but after that he ignored me and I like attention. I know I like attention. So I had to walk around looking like I had been ravished by a vamp on the neck, and attacked by a werewolf on my back, and he was pretending he didn’t know me. On the Friday we were at karaoke together and he was still ignoring me so I slept with this guy to prove a point and omfg there is such a thing as too big nj. So bc I have a disability my hip had popped, while we were at it and although it doesn’t hurt I pretended it did and used it to escape bc if you have to deal with bad sex you’re not living your life right.

Then I get a date and I’m super happy but then it get cancelled on bc the person was a knob in short who tried it with my friend a week before. So I end up at the house party with the person who cancelled the date, both the guys I slept with last week and the guy I was originally messaging and I realise I like him. We are both bi af and talk about all genders together but then he is such a mess like me and I don’t think it’s going to work.

But I have another date planned with someone else after the craziest night I’ve ever had and I don’t even think I could write it down like wow. 

But yeah queer sitcom about me called Too Many Men bc apparently I sleep with too many men