#so the pastor becomes this guy who in his grief over his child's death makes some bad decisions about 'sinful behavior' and what should be

[wellnoe]

footloose is a fun movie. its two major ideas are: 'dance is fun and an important means of human expression' and 'conservative christianity is a tool of bigots and fascists'

[huntertales]

Part Two: You’re So Damaged, Girl. (99 Problems S05E17)

Episode Summary:  Sam, Dean and the reader are outnumbered by demons, but are saved at the last minute by townspeople who are aware of the apocalypse. They meet a pastor, who introduces them to his daughter Leah, whom he claims is a prophet. When she starts turning the townspeople against each other in the name of the Lord, the Winchester and the reader realize they must kill her. Song Inspiration: “Damaged Girl” by Brett Detar.  (Normally don’t add music, but I feel like this captures the end of this part pretty well...) Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader Word Count: 5,162.

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The very next morning was Dylan's funeral and you protested the idea of setting foot anywhere near the church after what you let happen. But the boys kept insisting that you should pay your respect to his parents after what happened in the woods. It was an accident, they told you. Nobody would have suspected she was hiding underneath the car. While you knew they felt guilty for what happened, after losing so many people to this lifestyle, it got easier—in the sense that your happiness and ability to care for others started to dwindle into nothing. For some reason you had replayed the moment over and over again in your head last night. Along with the little girl you saw yesterday making salt rounds with her parents like it was some great activity for the whole family.

Neither one of them should have been involved in this fight, they were just children. The boys grew up in this lifestyle to fear just about anything that seemed like a threat and take it down before it could hurt anyone else. But you were different. Maybe that's why you were taking this so hard of seeing a town being turned upside down...and kept thinking there was still hope out there to make things right. Because you were too stupid to know anything else.

You gritted your teeth and wanted to stomp your feet like a child the entire ride to the church, but you made it. It was a sunny morning with a clear blue sky, a perfect day for a funeral. You stood outside between the open doors and watched as Dylan's casket was lowered to the table at the front of the church before the pallbearers walked back to their respectable spots. This was your fault, you kept telling yourself. He wouldn't be up there if you just look down at the right time to give them the warning. You could have pushed him away and threw yourself at the demon. You had a get out of death free card now. Lucifer wouldn’t dare hurt his new vessel.

You let out a quiet sigh and turned around in your spot when you heard heels clicking off the pavement. You could feel your face drop into a sympathetic stare when you saw Jane and Rob, Dylan’s grieving parents, heading inside the church with their arms wrapped around one another for support. You felt your heart pound a little faster at the sight of Jane with her tear stained eyes and smudged mascara as she wept for her only son’s sudden death.

“Ma’am, I’m just,” You stared at the woman with the type of expression that you hoped would show the parents of how much your apology meant to them. But you stopped yourself for a split second when you felt the threat of tears to come out. You managed to compose yourself before you could like a complete fool and finished your thought. “I’m very sorry.”

“You know,” Jane stared at you directly in the eye to show you how she felt about you right now. As if her words wouldn’t feel like knives from what she was about to say next. “He was with you. This is your fault.”

Rob whispered his wife's name underneath his breath from how she placed her grief onto you, he ushered her inside and gave you an apologetic look at Jane’s outburst. But the man couldn’t stop himself at the venom seeping into his eyes. You quickly looked away. The three of you did get his child kill, he could only be so pleasant to you. Sam told you that everything would be all right as Dean reach out to rest a hand on your backside in a comforting manner. The three of you headed into church as the memorial was about to begin. As you took a seat in the last row, you couldn't help but think about the way Rob looked at you. He had every right to hate you. But you wondered what he would do if he knew you shared a trait with the enemy in town.

“I wish I knew what to say. But I don’t.” David had the unfortunate honor of speaking in front of the crowd and telling the memory of the young man who sat in the open casket. His face was blocked by a bouquet of flowers that were donated for this unfortunate occasion. He cleared his throat and looked over at the grieving parents to give his condolences. “I’m so sorry, Jane. Rob. There are no words. Dylan...I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know why any of this is happening. I got no easy answers. But what I do know is—”

David tried to transition the speech into something more hopeful for the townspeople as he got ready to speak of a bible passage that might help with the somber mood. But the man found himself cut off mid sentence when he watched as his daughter collapsed to the floor. You heard the crowd automatically break into a murmur of whispers after several gasped in surprise at what happened. You leaned forward in your seat to see what was going on. In the middle of the aisle Leah laid on her backside, she looked like she was shaking as her father dropped to his daughter's side, not seeming all that fazed with the episode she was going through. You furrowed your brow at how it seemed like she was having a epileptic seizure. It was just a moment later before the woman got herself back to normal as her father helped her up into a sitting position. She tried to stand herself up, but David kept her still, saying to take it easy.

“Dad, it’s Dylan.” Leah managed to speak after she regained her stamina back. Her father ushered her that she needed to rest for a few moments longer, thinking her episode was brought on from the stress of the unexpected death. She shook her head and tried to explain the good news she had for everyone from the vision that came to her. “No, listen. Dylan’s coming back.”

You found yourself sitting back down in your seat from what she said. The angels must have felt the faith drop in the town after the unexpected death. All it took was a whisper to Leah’s ear for her to speak about the great things that were about to come if they cooperated. She composed herself and switched places with her father so she was now standing in front of the crowd with her hands neatly folded against her stomach. She gave the couple a reassuring smile from what she was about to say.

“Jane, Rob...it’s going to be okay. You’ll see Dylan again.” Leah told them the good news. It seemed that not all hope was lost as Jane clutched her husband’s hand from what she heard. But there was always a fine line to these kind of things. “When the final day comes, judgement day, he’ll be resurrected, and you’ll be together again. We’ll all be together—with our loved ones. We’ve been chosen. The angels have chosen us. And we will be given paradise on earth. All we have to do is follow the angels’ commandments.”

Nobody questioned with what Leah had told them, she was like their own little God leading them to the slaughter. Everyone nodded their heads in agreement and waited for whatever these angels might want them to do next. And like a good old Catholic town, there was to be a few rules set up to keep things pure and from sin. You and the boys headed out of church when everyone was dismissed, you rolled your eyes from what was going on here. You wanted to be supportive, but this was getting out of control. This didn't make any sense to you of why angels from above would be using a town for their own benefit. Maybe they wanted this demon problem fixed so they called upon a prophet, that's the best excuse your brain was coming up with.

“No drinking no gambling, no premarital sex? Dean, they just basically outlawed ninety percent of your personality.” Sam seemed pretty confused with the harsh set of laws being put down. He tried to make a joke with his brother, thinking the man would have made a remark about how little fun this place was becoming. Dean shrugged his shoulders, not sure what the big deal was all about. “So, uh…you’re cool with it?”

“I’m not cool. I’m not not cool. It’s—Look, man, I’m not a prophet. We’re not locals. It’s not my call.” Dean said. He seemed awfully relaxed with the rules that were set up around the place. You slowly looked away from the man and back to his brother, both of you were confused at his new sudden change of heart. Dean glanced back over at the church, his head buzzing with the words that Leah had said, he decided to indulge in his curious thoughts. “I’ll catch up with you guys later.”

You furrowed your brow in confusion when you watched Dean head over to the church and disappeared from your sight. You weren't sure why he was going in there. Maybe he was in the mood to make a few confessions with this newfound behavior that was nothing like him. Dean would do just about anything to rebel against authority, it was in his nature. But today it seemed like the man would do just about anything if someone asked him to. Your eyes narrowed slightly on the church, whatever he was doing in there, you didn't have a good feeling about this.

+ + +

Sam headed off to the bar, Dean was at Church and Cas wasn't answering his phone. What was a girl to do? You decided to kill some time and do a bit of research to figure out what might be the reason for the sudden surplus of demons surrounding this small town. You gotten so far as an hour into browsing the internet before it got shut off, not too long after that, the cells disconnected you from the outside world. They said it was for safety, you were pissed off. You were hoping to call Bobby for some help to see if he could be a second pair of hands. But it seemed you were on your own for this one. After leaving the boys a note about where you were going to be for the rest of the afternoon, it was off to the library for some good old fashion book research. This was going to take forever. And time wasn’t your friend.

You’ve spent the next few hours by yourself in the back of the library with nobody to disturb you and the several dusty books you pulled off the shelf. You had two books open and a few others pushed off to the side, ready for whenever you got to them. While you were a bit annoyed at the tedious work ahead of you, part of you had missed the way you used to do things back when you would do research for the boys. You did part of your research on the computer and the other part of it stuck in the mythology section of your local library. Today you were in the religious section, trying to figure out the reason why demons were tearing apart this little town in Minnesota. There had to be some sort of explanation to what was going on here. No other town in the state had lit up with this many demons without a supportive reasons.

“Well, aren’t you a busy bee.”

Your attention was caught off guard from the voice that suddenly broke your concentration away from a bible passage you were reading about. You could feel a bit of a smile spread across your lips in politeness to see that it was Leah. She stood at the head of the wooden table you were sitting at, you noticed she wasn't holding any books. "You look better." You complimented her, taking notice of how she didn't look as fatigue as she was back in the church. She gave you a smile and said thank you. Her eyes wouldn’t leave the books, it seemed the preacher’s daughter took notice of all the different version of bibles and book of revelations spread around the place. “Uh, how are you feeling? I guess that angel stuff really takes it out of you.”

“Can’t complain. I know you and the brothers have it much worse.” Leah said, shrugging off her little episode she had back in the church. You nodded your head and gave her a smile before looking back down at the passage you were reading. As you reached for your pen to quickly jot something down, your eyes jumped back to her when she spoke again. "So, what's going on here, Y/N? Looks like you're doing some research."

“Yeah, I wanted to see if I could find a reason to what’s going on here. Most of the things going on lately have been biblical related. Demons don’t just go haywire for the hell of it.” You replied, your tone coming with a bit of humor from what you said next. “Unlike you, I don’t have an angel on my shoulder telling me the future. Must be nice being chosen.”

"Must be hard being half demon. And knowing you're the reason why Lucifer walks free." Leah's words made you look up from your book. Your facial expression dropped into a bit of panic as you looked around the empty part of the library, suddenly fearful that someone might have heard what she said. You quickly looked over at her, your facial expression turning into anger at what she said out into the open. “Don’t worry, Y/N. Your secret is safe with me. I wouldn’t dare say something like that. I know how much you are trying to fight it.  But, if I may say, for someone who is apart of this wonderful journey to paradise, you have very little faith in our Father.”

"I'm not a child of God, Leah. You should know that. And as for faith, I did have it for a while..." You admitted to the woman. You let go of your pen so it would fall to the spine of the open book and placed your hands on the table, your fingers your fingers entwining together as you looked up at her. "But I recently discovered that God doesn't care anymore. So why should I? Why should I sit back and watch two people that I love fight to the death? I hate to break it to you, sister, but you’re not chosen for the greater good. You’re just doing the angels’ dirty work by taking care of these demons. Sam and Dean are the ones who really matter. You and I are gonna be the ones who suffer.”

“That’s not true, Y/N. You need to have faith in the right side. Yes, things are going to get bad. But after we win—and we will—the planet gets handed over to the chosen, and it’s finally peaceful. No monsters, no disease, no death. You’re just...with the people you love.” Leah gave you the grand world of paradise. You scoffed quietly underneath your breath and looked away from her. For someone like you, if Michael won, the world wouldn’t be sunshine and rainbows for someone like you. “There’s hope for you, Y/N. You can be granted paradise, too. It just matters which side you choose. And if I were someone like you, I would choose the right side.”

You found her words haunting and less helpful. She decided the conversation between the both of you was done. You tried shaking off her warning as you glanced back down at your book, wondering if you might find something which was helpful. Out of habit, your eyes dropped to where your pen was pointing and read the passage.

"But there were also false prophets among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the sovereign Lord who bought them—bringing swift destruction on themselves. Many will follow their depraved conduct and will bring the way of truth into disrepute." (2 Peter 2:1-2)

+ + +

You made it back to the motel a little after dark, not sure of what you had read after your little talk with Leah had to do anything. When the end of the world came, the bible said false prophets would mingle with others...to spread the world of Satan. You decided that she was just trying to be helpful, in that overbearing and creepy Christian way of hers. You did have a deal intact with the angels if you somehow got Dean to say yes to Michael. But there was no way you would ever do such a thing. You wanted to make sure the world didn't go in flames and half the population was sent to the pearly gates. You knew there was a way to stop Lucifer, and you hoped it would come to you before it was too late.

Dean and his unusual behavior made you swerve away from your own motel room when you got back and see how he was doing. You were hopeful a little alone time would have done the trick to get him back this normal mindset. Knocking on the motel door, you stepped inside to see that the man was quietly sitting on his bed, lost in his own personal thoughts. He gave you a simple look over before he shut his eyes once more, letting the room fall back into silence. You wandered around, not sure if he really wanted you here, but you decided to break the mood by talking about a few more rules that had come up when you were gone.

“Where’s Sam? It’s almost curfew.” You asked. Dean shrugged his shoulders, mumbling that he wasn’t too sure about where the man had gone almost all afternoon. He shut his eyes and went back to his own thoughts. You looked over at him to see he was sitting upright in bed with his arms crossed over his chest and legs spread out. He looked peaceful, but you found yourself speaking once more again about the more rules being put in place. “You hear they shut down the cell towers?”

“No.” Dean answered as he rubbed his eyes. “That’s uh, news to me.”

“Yeah. No cable, internet. Total cut off from the ‘corruption of the outside world.’” You said as you even put the effort to make air quotes around the words you read off a flyer someone had handed you when walking home. Dean’s response was a shrug, he didn’t even made the effort to give you a verbal response. “Don’t you get it? They’re turning this place into some kind of fundamentalist compound.”

“No, I get it.” Dean said, but he sounded like he was wrong bored with this conversation.

“And all you got for me is a ‘hmm’?” You questioned the man. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I get it, Y/N. I do. I just don’t care.” The oldest Winchester came out with the truth about how he really felt with what was going on here. You furrowed your brow and looked at the man like he’d just grow a second head. Dean swung his legs over the bed and dropped his hand down to his thigh, unsure of what you wanted him to say. “What difference does it make?”

“It makes a hell of a—” Your voice started to rise from his defeated attitude that felt like it was coming out of nowhere. Dean narrowed his eyes slightly on you, like he was already growing bored with his conversation. You walked over to the bed his brother had claimed and sat yourself down next to him, somehow hopeful you could talk some sense into him. “At what point does this become too far for you? Stoning? Poisoned kool-aid? These angels are toying with these people.”

Dean shrugged his shoulders, “Angel world, angel rules, sweetheart.”

"You hated their guts since you first saw them!" You hissed at him. "Now you don’t even care. Since when are you okay with this?"

“Since the angels got the only lifeboats on the Titanic.” Dean said. He proved his point and got himself up from the bed to walk over to the motel and fix himself another cup of coffee. “I mean, who exactly is supposed to come along and save these people? It was supposed to be us. We can’t do that.”

“So, what, you—you want to—you want to just stop fighting, roll over?” You asked him in a dead serious tone. Dean turned around in his spot, and with a simple shrug, it seemed that the man had took the plan into consideration. You found your lips flinching into a grim smirk as you let out a scoff. “Don’t say that.”

“Why not, Y/N?” Dean asked you.

“Because you can’t do this.”

“Actually, I can.”

“No, you can’t. You can’t do this to me.” You told him. You pushed yourself to your feet and looked at the man straight in the eye, wanting him to see how much you needed him to keep holding on. It was you and the Winchesters against the world. He couldn’t let you down after so long of fighting. “I’ve got one thing—one thing keeping me going. And that's you, you idiot. I don't care what they say. We're supposed to be in this together. We're supposed to be—"

"Soulmates? Is that what you're gonna say?" Dean cut you off, finishing your thought. You let out a sigh and rolled your eyes, giving the man a clear answer that it was yes. You and him were meant to be together, but it was all for the wrong reasons. You wanted to defeat the odds, but the man wasn't so hopeful. "This ain’t a fairy tale, sweetheart. Nobody cares about our happy ever after. We were screwed from the start.”

“So are you saying the past two years have been a waste?” You asked him.

“Honestly, I don’t know what to think anymore.” Dean admitted with another shrug. “All I know is that I’m tired of fighting. There’s no way out of this. I’m sorry.”

"Sorry for what? Sorry for being a coward? You think you're the only one white-knuckling it here, Dean?” You asked him. You looked at him straight in the eye when your personality began to change into something that you didn't recognize. With this new persona, you spoke words that you didn't realize would have serious consequences when they fell right from your mouth.  "Poor Dean. His only job is stopping himself from saying one little word. Boo hoo, you. It must suck. Meanwhile, here I am, trying my hardest to not change into the thing we hate the most."

"You know, you keep hounding at me to keep fighting a losing cause. But I gotta say, you’re doing a pretty lousy job here, Y/N. Don't think I haven’t notice what's been going on with you.” Dean was sly with how he spoke. While his tone was warm, his words were icy cold. You froze in your spot and looked at him with a bit of surprise. “The holy water, you avoiding devil traps. I know what’s going on. I’ve been trying for

to figure out what I can do to save you. But I got nothing. There’s no point anymore. We’re all screwed. But there is one way..."

“Don’t.” You warned him. “Don’t you dare say it.”

“Y/N, we don’t got much options left here.” Dean argued with you. “And I’m grabbing the hand for whichever son of a bitch that’s gonna least screw us over.”

You could feel your hands clenching into a tight fist from what he said. You tried your hardest to bite onto your tongue that was like a snake, urging to bite the poisonous venom into him. But you were too late. You hit an all time low from whom you brought up and how you spoke about them with such carelessness.

"You've been screwed up since you stepped back into her life." You said with an eerily quiet voice. Dean raised a brow at you, wondering who you meant by that. "Lisa. You thought her kid was yours and something changed in you. Suddenly she made you want this normal, apple-pie life. And since you couldn't get it, you decided to lie down like a dog. Wasn't too long ago you ripped your little brother apart for wanting that. And look how that turned out."

“Took my chances with you and look how it’s turning out.” Dean snapped back at you.

"You're so much like your mother." You suddenly hissed at the man. "You wanna take the easy way out and screw everyone else over when you're gone.”

“Is that you talking, Y/N? Or is that your demon side acting like a bitch to me?” Dean wondered as he lifted a finger from his coffee cup to point at you. You looked at the man with a surprised expression from the kind of language that he used on you. Even though what you said about his mother, he had every right to go where it hurt. He rolled his eyes and placed his cup down, exchanging it for his jacket as he headed for the door. "I need some air."

You warned him that it was past curfew, but he showed you how much he cared about the rules by slamming the door behind him. You let out a sigh and crossed your arms over your chest. Left alone in the room and your own thoughts, you wrapped your arms tighter around your body from the horrible things that you said that couldn’t be taken back. Out of all the things you could go for, you brought up his mother and threw what she did right in his face like it was a mistake.

+ + +

Fighting as a couple was natural, you say things you don't mean and let the other person to cool off before you apologize. You and Dean had gotten into a thousand different times about the stupidest stuff. But this had to be the worst argument between the both of you yet. Each of you had said things about one another that were the absolute worst. Maybe he was right, you were getting worse. Your mouth was just a little evidence he needed. If only you told him about your plan. That could have sparked some hope back into him. But here you sat alone in your motel room, your only company was a few old dusty books. You let out a sigh and opened up the book, your eyes wandering down to the specific page you opened up to.

Your mind wouldn’t leave the idea that something bad was going on here. Either this town was being abused by angels, or Leah was lying about who she was working for. There was all sorts of passages in bibles and the book of revelations about how the end of times would bring false prophets. But from what you read, they didn’t speak about angels. And it wouldn’t explain all the demon attacks. Unless you might have been looking at this the wrong way. You noticed the passage talked about two beasts. One of them hideous, the other a little lamb leading people to the slaughter. “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves.”

“I got your message.” You nearly jumped out of your skin when you heard a voice appear out of nowhere. You quickly turned around to see who it was as you pressed the book close to your chest. The person standing across the room as he looked into your fridge was Cas. You let out a sigh and rolled your eyes in relief. “It was long, your message. And I find the sound of voice grating.”

"Right. 'Cause you're a smooth talker." You muttered underneath your breath. Rolling your eyes again, you were about to look back down at your book to keep reading, but your eyes wandered back up again when you heard Cas fumbling around. He was moving back and forth, like he couldn't walk. You furrowed your brow when you realized there was something very off about him tonight. "Are you...drunk?"

“No!” Cas said. You raised a brow when he tried to take a step forward, only he lost his footing and nearly fell on his face. The angel managed to catch himself and decided then he should change his answer. “Yes.”

“What the hell happened to you?” You asked him.

“I found a liquor store.” Cas explained. He rested his head against the cold divider that felt good on his pounding headache. You asked him what next. “And I drank it. Why’d you call me?”

“Whoa. There you go, buddy. Easy.” You reached out your arms to help balance the angel as he began walking forward to you with each wobbly step. You gave him a smile as you helped him to a standing position. “Are you okay?”

Cas waved his fingers at you, as if he wanted you to come closer. You gave him a confused look as you leaned over so he could whisper his answer into your ear. But it wasn’t what you would have expected in a million years. “Don’t ask stupid questions.” He said. You backed away and gave him a glare from what he told you. Cas didn’t looked amused as he sat himself down on the bed. “Tell me what you need.”

“There have been these demon attacks, massive, right on the edge of town, and we can’t figure out why they’re—”

“Any sign of angels?” Cas asked, cutting you off.

“Sort of. They’ve been speaking to this prophet.” You explained to him. “This girl, Leah Gideon. But I’ve been doing some reading and—”

“She’s not a prophet.” The angel told you.

“The boys are pretty sure she is.” You said. “She’s got visions, headaches—the whole package.”

“The names of all the prophets—they’re seared into my brain.” Cas answered for your suspicion that was exactly right. “Leah Gideon is not one of them.”

"Thought so. There was just something...off about her. I was doing some research and—"

"She's not a false prophet, either. It’s just one of the very misconceptions your bible has.” Cas said, cutting you off yet again. You threw the book down to the bed and looked at him with a look of annoyance on his face. “But she is a danger to this town.”

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[ringandtherobe-blog]

You Aren’t Alone.....You are Loved

This past year in July I led a mission team to Belize City to work with the local church doing light construction and spending time with the youth of the church/community. Before we left America we were instructed to prepare to lead the worship services at two churches in Belize.  One in Belize City and one in the area we were staying in Burrell Boom. Here is the sermon in which I prepared and preached.

As I read the Bible and reflect upon what God has done a theme that I constantly pick out recently is the relationships in which are formed.  

In the new testament Jesus didn’t focus on creating ministry opportunities to solve some problem but sought out a relationship with each person.  He calls us into a relationship with Him and in turn calls us to form relationships with those we come in contact with.  So as we prepare for 2019 to come I want to focus on creating quality relationships with people this year and I hope each and everyone one of you will join me in that! 

Continue reading the transcript of the audio (above) below!

As I was preparing for this sermon I was stuck.  I had so much I wanted to say but there was no order to what was coming out, but I am thankful and blessed that the Bishop has given us this opportunity to speak on the Scriptures and for the opportunity to worship with you today and to partner with you the Methodist Church of Belize in ministry this week.  

Above all I want to thank God for bringing us here safely and for giving me the words to speak to you today.

My sister is a pastor now in the United Methodist Church in Virginia and as I wrestled with these scriptures I sought advice from her.  I Hoped she would give me some direction or something from one of her many classes to think about, but to my dismay all she told me was to read the scriptures and meditate on them.

This frustrated me greatly cause I had and I still had no clear idea of what to talk about.  As each day came and went and no words were written my stress slowly built up and my frustration grew.  My anxiety grew and it was in that moment that I realized the heart wrenching truth of 2 Corinthians 12 and what I needed to talk about.  

This morning I am going to talk with you about my personal life and who I am as a Christian.  I don’t know if it is the same here in Belize but in America we don’t normally talk about our weaknesses, our failures, or our struggles as Christians in an open forum. Those moments when our struggle is so deep the only person who can help us is God himself.

In fact what I have found is that we try our hardest to hide them from everyone including God. We try to hide our flaws, our imperfections, our struggles for fear that we will be judged by our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

This such isolation of not talking about the issues that we are going through has caused a break within the body of Christ.  

We fight the desire to share our hearts and we fight the yearning for support we desperately need because we fear the reaction of our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.  We hide our sadness, our frustration, the state of our mental health because if anyone truly knew the struggles we have with ourselves then would they even want to be with us?  

Would they even love us or be with us?  How could someone love us when sometimes we can’t even stand to be around ourselves?

Just over four years ago I was in a car accident on a back country road, sorta like the road that goes to Altun Ha, back home in Virginia.  I was driving my family car when I met a lady on my side of the road on the top of a blind hill.  

After the accident my health took a turn and I started having unexplained seizures. During these episodes I could barely speak which has slowly progressed to not being able to speak during them. I am fully aware of what was going around me and it terrifies me.  

The Doctors had no explanation for what was happening to me and said that the only thing that could help me stop having these seizures was to go on seizure medication.  

After being on the seizure medication for 2 years I had a massive seizure that came and went for 4 days.  I was admitted to one of the best hospitals in Virginia and the doctors ran hours of tests and at the end of them all they said that there was nothing wrong with me.  

After wrestling with that news i slowly came to accept that my seizures were my bodies response to poorly dealing with stress in my life.  The doctors and nurses said that I needed to come off of the medication that they originally said would “fix” my problem.  

As I started to come off of my medication the chemical imbalance in my head accompanied by the death of my grandmother put me in a deep depression that to this day I am still recovering from.  

Looking at me you wouldn’t know that I suffer from seizures, depression, crippling anxiety, or the extreme and all to real fear of driving.

For the last two years I have fought with the off and on demons saying that I am not good enough that I have to many “negatives” to be worth anything to God.

Some of you might have those very same thoughts and feelings this morning.  Let me tell you that there is hope.  That there are people who care about you.

When I came off of my medication it was over a year process of adjusting and readjusting to the changes. I was not myself and had to relearn many things about myself.  

I had to learn how to cope with my grief of my grandmothers passing, I had to learn how to deal with my frustrations, and anger.  I had to learn how to function in a world that does not talk about depression or the demons that people battle.

A couple at my church recognized that something was off with me a few months into my medication weaning and approached me.  They asked how I was and as I had grown accustomed to I said, “Oh I’m good how are you guys?”  

They stopped me right there and said “we know you aren’t okay, you are not yourself, how can we help you?”

This moment was a defining  moment in my life and my Christian journey because it was the first time in months that someone recognized that I wasn’t okay and was forcing me to talk to them about the internal battle that I was fighting.

They didn’t care if it wasn’t pretty if it was dark and what many would classify as “unChristian” they cared about me a Child of God and they were there to make sure I won the battle and that Christ had already won it for me.

As Brothers and Sisters in Christ we are to be there for each other in every trial and every tribulation. We are called to support each other in the race that we each run and pray for the other.  How can we be like paul and Boast all the more gladly about our weakness so that Christ’s power may be upon us if we won’t even utter a word of our weaknesses and struggles.  

Some of us in this room struggle with depression and the feelings of being unworthy, or even other illnesses that no one knows about.  Some of us the weakness of pride, not turning the other cheek when something is done against us, not loving our neighbors, and not tending to the widowed or orphaned.

The Weakness in our very human nature that pulls us to the death that Christ himself delivered us from.  In Second Corinthians Paul talks about our weaknesses and how even though we are weak Christ himself makes us strong.

Paul talks about a “Thorn in his side” that he can’t seem to get rid of.  Paul has prayed for God to remove it from him and yet he still has this burden to bare.  Some people say that Paul suffered from all sorts of things from Malaria, Epilepsy, or some kind of other disability that severely hindered his ministry.  The fact is no one really knows what Paul’s “Thorn” was so today we are going to use that to our advantage.

Whatever your thorn may be i want you to think about it now.  You don’t have to say it out loud but I want you to think about.  Is it depression, anxiety, a health struggle that won’t go away.

Now imagine whatever your Thorn or thorns are is the same thing that Paul had.  Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12,

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.”

Lets stop there for a moment.  How many times have you pleaded with the Lord on your knees or laying in your bed for Him to deliver you from the pain and anguish you are suffering?  How many times have you felt that he was not answering? We know that Paul pleaded with the Lord 3 times for Him to take away the burden he was carrying but the Almighty did not remove Paul’s thorn instead he said to Paul,

“ My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  

You know Paul could have just gave up and said that the Lord had forsaken him and just gave up.  Many times on my journey with crippling anxiety and depression I get to the point where I want to give up.

The feelings of being unworthy, unloved, or the heavy presence anxiety making functioning impossible.  When everywhere I look there is gray and pain and when stepping outside the smallest breeze in the air makes me burst into tears because I can’t handle the emotional strain it has placed my body I want to give up, but Paul gives us hope.  

He gives us hope because in Christ when there is nothing that can help us, when the only strength we can have is from the Lord, when He becomes the rock we must stand on that is when we know the strength that that Paul is speaking about. Paul says,

There I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  

Paul says power and I belive it is indeed power that rests upon us when we turn our weaknesses over to God but in the power the Almighty brings us Comfort and love.  Paul goes on to say,

That is why for Christ’s sake , I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

In the midst of my own struggles with Anxiety I have come to find this scripture to be true and to bring a level of comfort and calmness.  Without the help of God I would not be leading teams out of the country much less out of my hometown.

Without God my life would not mean a thing and my life would not be where it is today.  Without the strength that God gives I would not be able to get out of bed every morning.

One of my favorite songs is by a guy named Corey Asbury and it is called Reckless Love.  It is based on the scripture Luke 15 which says

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them.  Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?  

And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home.  Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me;  I have found my lost sheep.’  I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent’”  

I believe this scripture is important for us to talk about in conjunction with 2 Corinthians 12.  In order for us to allow our weaknesses to be exposed we as members of the body must feel as though we are loved.  

Humans crave to be loved.  We crave to be cared for, we crave to know that if when we wander away from the flock that we are wanted back, that people notice.

When our trials, tribulations, thorns in our flesh pull us so hard and we seek refuge outside of the body that someone from the body will look for us.  That someone will notice that we are missing and will leave the rest of the flock to come find us.

When we know and accept that kind of love that is when we can start going to the depth where we can allow our weaknesses to be exposed for the glory of God, but until we have accepted that kind of love then we won’t allow ourselves to be exposed.

The chorus of this song goes like this:

“Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights ‘til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, you give yourself away

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God”

Our God loves you so much that He would come after you because you are that important to him.  He doesn’t care what challenges you are going through what things you think you can’t do because you are His and He has claimed you as His sons and daughters.  Corey Asbury goes on to say….

“There’s no shadow You won’t light up, Mountain you won’t climb up Coming After me.

There’s No wall you won’t kick down, Lie you won’t tear down, Coming after me”

You are God’s prized possession and there is nothing that you can do to lose His love to make Him not care for you and want you in His family.  There is no battle that you are facing that is too mighty or too strong for Him.   Psalm 36 talks about God’s faithfulness, justice, and love that is poured out on His people.  Part of Psalm 36 says,

“Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.  Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep.  O Lord, you preserve both man and beast.  How priceless is your unfailing love!  Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.  They feast on the abundance of your house;  you give them drink from your river of delights.  For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light.  Continue your love to those who know you, your righteousness to the upright in heart.”

My brothers and sisters in Christ the key to allowing our weaknesses to be exposed is knowing our creator.  Knowing His unfailing love for us not just in our minds but in our hearts and souls.  Allowing ourselves to become vulnerable to Him that we seek refuge under the shadow of His wings. But it’s not just knowing Him it’s knowing each other and creating a community where we can pour out hearts without fear of judgement from our fellow believers.  Its allowing ourselves to be consumed by the spirit that breathes life into the world and taking time to notice when something isn’t right in the body and finding out why.  It’s spending time investing in people outside of our immediate families and friends and being the support that we each need.  

My story may seem extreme to some, but like Paul I am only able to speak about this pain and these difficulties because of our Lord.  If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, illness, or if you just need to know that someone is willing to stand with you in the gap to give you support know that me and my team are here this week to listen and learn.  It would be our honor to sit with you and pray for strength, love, comfort, anything that you may need from our Lord.

It’s when we allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable with each other that we can start using our personal testimonies, weaknesses, and struggles as a way to advance the Kingdom of God into the world by sharing His grace, power, love, and truth to those who don’t believe.

[intheworld314-blog]

The Curse The Fall

I have been working over the past several years to purposefully understand how, as a Christian, I am to live in the world, without compromising Biblical truths. I have been working to comprehend how to live as a committed husband, father, son, and brother, while working to make an earning for my family. I have been working to wisely decide what values to live out in myself and what to instill in my family. This blog is a catalog of my journey and my reactions to what is going on in the world today. My opinions are my own. I do not ask that you agree with them, that you share them, or that you like them, only that you consider them.

After listening to the morning news on my drive to work, I was struck by the fact that the role of women has changed dramatically since Original Creation. Not having been at the original creation, I rely on the Biblical account, passed down from generation to generation, as the living, breathing, Word of God, to inform my understanding of what went wrong.

In today's society (the one I have experienced in America), women are pressured to do many things they were never intended to do. One such thing is to have a career that is equal, valued, and moves women "ahead" in life. For example, entire portions of political campaigns are geared toward giving women "equal rights." As though shipping children off to day care so that moms can leave the house they were intended to manage is better than staying at home to raise children and keep a home. Society has gotten behind Satan's lies to continually deceive women into thinking they are not good enough to "merely stay at home." They have been duped by his lies. These consequences of The Fall are detrimental to God's design for humanity.

Furthermore, American society has become jaded to the idea that there are Biblical ideas behind right living. I hear constantly that I don't understand what things are like for people trying to establish intimate relationships in "today's world." When I speak out against the travesty and devastating legacy given us by organizations such as Planned Parenthood, I am labeled and idealist, a bigot, and someone who does not get what life is like in "the real world." As though I am somehow wholly different because I have views that stick close to the Word of God? No. I am in the world, but I am not of the world.

The state of society is not my fault, nor is it the fault of the other parties involved. It is the fault of Satan and that cascade of lies he has handed down through sins for generations. In the Book of Genesis, we are told how Satan deceived Eve, who then deceived Adam, who were all cursed according to their sins.

I will go into the ramifications of this Curse as it pertains to Satan and Adam later, but for this post my focus will be on women. Genesis 3:16 says, "To the woman he said, 'I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.'" (New International Version, NIV) or, "He told the woman, 'I’ll greatly increase the pain of your labor during childbirth. It will be painful for you to bear children, since your trust is turning (or your desire is) toward your husband, and he will dominate you.'” (International Standard Version, ISV).

This Curse presents many problems that impact women: Birth is painful in a way it was never intended to be. I cannot help to posit that death was never intended to be a part of childbirth. Birthing implies living. Through sin, unfortunately, Grief and loss have entered the birthing process. Organizations such as Planned Parenthood ensure there is more than enough grief and loss to go around. They support a view that says that having a child when not exactly planned is an "inconvenience" or "distraction" from a rewarding career. What the hell is wrong with my wife having a meaningful career that has no monetary reward because she is solely dedicated to the raising of our children? And why is it that many people reading this will be more offended by the fact that my strong use of the word "hell" is worse that the atrocities committed by satanically influenced leaders of Planned Parenthood. God already planned parenthood, and we broke it by sinning. The world cannot provide a better plan than the one God intended, can it? We never improved perfection 9i.e. original creation), we jacked it up!

Secondly, women will trust their husbands instead of God. Eve turned to Adam to support her original sin, so why should this stop now? In case my readers have not figured this out, men are a bit ridiculous and self-centered and cannot provide our wives (not more than one wife each, but each man's wife) with what they need. Men are like boats without a rudder. We have no direction unless we fully rely on God. We are flawed in how we lead, but lead we must, our family is counting on us! So we have Eve, turning to her husband, desiring him, and it will not go well.

When women trust men as leaders, and these leaders spend thousands of dollars, for example, building "man caves", going on lewd business trips to Las Vegas (where everything that occurs there stays there- yeah right), or spending more time in the office than in the yard with their children, there are bound to be problems. So, women, understand you cannot escape this part of your curse, regardless of what politicians, doctors, lawyers, or women pastors suggest to the contrary.

Thirdly, there is some distinction between the pain in labor during labor, and it being painful to bear children. It is as though God is explaining that there is more to bearing children than just birth. Because men are supposed to lead, and are rather impotent in this endeavor (apart from God), our depraved leadership will make child-rearing unbearable. It will cause a cascade of problems that makes the need for Planned Parenthood "obvious," and “a right.”

I can picture this conversation Satan has with Eve after being kicked out of The Garden of Eden:

Satan: "So that didn't go to well. God sure is against you. I will console you and make life tolerable. You know Adam will continue to let you down. But not me?!"

Eve: "I want to depend on him, but when I needed him to be firm and guide me back toward right living, he let me down. You're right. What should I do?"

Satan: "I will teach you how to overcome Adam's limitations. You are smarter, braver, and far less valued than he is anyway. Just follow my lead and I will get things turned around. I will teach you how to eliminate the children you find too painful, too inconvenient, or those that remind you too much of their father. I will teach you how to surpass him in everything. Just wait and see."

Eve: "Okay, just show me what to do. It is too painful and I cannot bear it. Please help me overcome the inadequacies of my husband."

Satan (to himself): "I can't let her know that there will be discord or enmity between us. Certainly I cannot let her know that her offspring will be against mine. I must deceive her more so that she cannot even believe I have offspring..."

And so the conversations Satan has with Eve continues over the centuries until we have a situation where hundreds of thousands of women are so emotionally distraught over Hillary Clinton's defeat in 2016 to Donald Trump that they march against him and need “safe spaces” all over the country to grieve. They mistakenly believe that Hillary would have somehow freed women from their chains, the glass ceiling, and all the woes they endure in the United States. They are so deceived they cannot see the cage she would have placed over them.

Hillary Clinton should not lead us because it is not her ideal role. Men are supposed to lead. WE are supposed to lead as men completely dependent upon God for everything. Men cannot lead from a "man cave". We cannot lead from a business office. Men cannot lead from a domineering state of mind and behavior. (Reaction to the utter sinfulness of books and movies like "50 Shades of Grey" or "50 Shades Darker" later). As men we should have said “No!” to Eve and to Satan. Adam failed Eve. Men fail women. I fail my wife. 

God restores. God does not fail because it is not in his nature. His redemption can change the state of marriages and families. This will only be done when we, as men and women begin to stand up to Satan's lies. This will only be done when wives submit to their husband as to the Lord. Christ did not dictate verbatim what the church is to do, rather, he gave them guidelines and equipped them to go forth. Husbands, then, must equip their wife to go forth. They must lift them up and give them support. They must NOT dominate them. Men who are well-equipped leaders will give themselves UP for their wife, just as Christ gave himself up for the church.

To give oneself up for his wife means spending the money you want to spend on a man cave on homeschool supplies. This means going without beer and brats money in order to allow your wife to get some clothes she wants. This means substituting a "guys night out" or "softball league" to watch your children so she can get a break. What the hell is wrong with men these days. Lead like Christ led the Church. Lead so that women don't run to places like Planned Parenthood for support. End the sacrifices to Baal. Lead like you were intended to.