#so the grade boundaries for the real exams could be too

[rainyraisin]

My GCSEs start tomorrow gang wjsihxksjdkd exploding on the spot

I have a performance for PA (which we've BARELY rehearsed btw) and then the lesson after I have a speaking exam for English (that'll be easy though apparently everyone gets distinctions jskxhskfndk)

Then I think Tuesday and Wednesday I'm in art all day doing my final exam so I'm gonna work more on trying to figure out my final piece today

Then from May 9th all the rest of my exams start (I'll probably have another PA exam this Friday though)

Thursday is the only day I'm free JDKSJDKDJ (its also the worst day of school though in terms of lessons so that's just evil/silly)

[doukeshi-kun]

a promise is a promise

daddy's home 😘

🌃-anon here ^^ hooray!!

okay okay phew it's been so long i forgot how to write anon ask but, a comeback is desperately needed to save the day. I'm here to talk about professor!nikolai agenda. your girl started uni and i need to cope.

while collegestudent!nikolai has been eating my brain like crazy, professor!nikolai is as needed. i might hit you up with college student nikolai someday tho cuz my classmates are all weird and i need that daily dose of delusion that someday, i'll meet a student as awesome and as fun as nikolai is in my head

little disclaimer to anyone reading this: dark content ahead. we dont do any of that irl it's just fiction, so if you're sensitive to prof x student shit keep scrolling. i say reader is 20-ish and papi nikolai is pushing 30 😁

random prof!nikolai headcanons ahead 🗣️

prof kolya is definitely one of the cool teachers on campus yk? the type that's loved by all of the students because of how laid back he is and how much he doesn't give a shit yk??? like "prof we didn't study for the test tomorrow can we postpone it?" "we will. i havent put the text either" 💀 that type you know?

BUT simultaneously, he can also be really strict depending on the context yk? while he's chill, he can't tolerate disrespect like, not at all. he jokes around with his students but with limits and boundaries.

clothes-wise i feel like he dresses super well 🤔 as opposed to headcanons I've seen, i dont think he dresses weird or in an eccentric way like canon nikolai is, he wears casual clothes :3 fashionable? yes. but nothing weird. he's tall, broad with really unique features (i imagine nikolai with one of them typical european noses and plump looking lips. this part is totally up to you tho)

prof kolya was a really unproblematic physics professor (yk in canon he has teleportation abilities so uh) that is until y/n took a course with him,

we're met with two cases: y/n is calm and quiet in class, y/n puts herself out there. now let's be for real, teachers love good students so the higher the grades the better the sex more you'll get attention from him (god imagine nikolai praising you😮‍💨)

now if you're quiet- OMG since he gets along well with students i feel like he'll openly joke around with students except for you (if you're quiet) he'll just talk with you in a low voice (btw i imagine classes like, small classes not amphitheaters or any of that) let me elaborate: you're in class yk he's explaining quantum physics or some shit and occasionally interacting with his students. his gaze falls on you once he's standing right in front of your desk and lets a small question slide like "is it ok?" "do you get it?" or flashing you a small smile or so 🤭 he's not mocking you or anything he's being genuine (for once) bc you're openly his favorite

and by that, and as someone who's a favorite for nearly all my professors so far the privileges i get isnt anything like grades or whatever but more like validation? im a good student i dont need their crusty dusty extra credits. one of the privileges i get is for example, during exams, the prof tells me "so, [name], we're scoring an A+ in this test too?" yk and it's genuine so nikolai i that type too.

(i leave anything sexual or suggestive for you to develop bc im really bad and awkward at that)

conclusion: he shamelessly favorites you in front of other students.

though you two would become a thing faster if reader is on the more loud type in his class: always participating, asking questions, joking around maybe.... i feel like when you have a question thats a little long to explain, he'd ask u to come to his office and what happens there is up to your imagination dear bean

will quickly become your number one emotional support throughout college 🥱 imagine not doing well in the exam and you go to his office to talk to him about it and he comforts you by [redacted]

anyways i could go on and ramble forever. i'd love to hear your dirty thoughts on this nikolai au :3 what i wrote is hella long and messy but we're mere disciples beanie, you're the writer here hehe

as usual, have a good/day night!!

I REALLY LOVE YOU SO MUCH *sloppily kissing slop slop*

first of all, yeeee goodluck with college and don't die bcs i almost did 😎👉 and secondly, no let's NOT get nikolai pushing 30s. HE IS 35 ATLEAST IDC HAHAHA im gonna reply to each one headcanon bcs you deserve it girlie 💋✨

yes! he totally gives me the vibe to be laid-back at his work. he's so gonna do something like that lmao. also, despite his laid-back persona and he's always like “ehh~ just answer this easy ass quiz and i'll take it as your assignment mark”, i do think he does his job greatly. there's a time where he needs to get things done and while it doesn't seem like he's doing shit, he actually GETS. SHIT. DONE. that's why he isn't fucking fired 💀

strict prof. nikolai.... ugh *spreads legs*😝 i agree. he does have limit and i feel like he wouldn't scold people or raise his voice but certainly when he's being colder and quieter, oooh you fucked up big time

i do think he wears classic style to go to classes! i'm thinking... dark academia. and yes, he's tall and broad and so big✨ i feel like it also depends on the subject. if prof nikolai is teaching theatre or drama... those kind of things, he will wear something maximalist, if that makes sense? imagine a mad hatter-themed suit but formal. unfortunately, i can't draw for life.

physics professor hmmmm why don't he come here and expand the space of my quantum pussy😏😏

i can imagine raaaaaaa :barkbarkbark: him praising you in front of the whole class because you got quite high marks for physics ahakss😝

HMMMMMMM SOFTY :feral: i can't fucking breathe😩 yes he'd totally be loud to those who are loud with him but if you're quiet and serene, he'll be soft as fuck rrrrrrrrr imagine him noticing you not understanding something and he takes the initiative to come to your desk, teach you with the softest (yet deep) voice ever. NOT MOCKING ME TOO? woah what a green flag 💚

lmfao i can totally relate with you😭 honestly, validation is too pressuring, stressing and overwhelming for me. i hate when teachers are like “so, elie, you can score A for this right?” bih i just barely got the B-grade fym (burnt-out gifted kid be like;). anyway, i'm half-half on this. but i do think if he makes such comments, and he notices you aren't uncomfortable, he wouldn't go put his way to directly say that. maybe he just makes comment that implies he does have certain expectations on you

(i'll develop the sexual things myself *takes off his pants and develop his wood*)

conclusion: he becomes my favourite subject😝❤️

i'm honestly thinking that he prefers it if you are an active student. idk, for me, nikolai (in general) likes challenges and fun. so if you're actively questioning this or that, he'd take interest in you really quick. also, i will invite myself into his office tyvm

definitely get emotional. lmao imagine ranting about other professors with him and he just supports you

well my dirty thought is that he becomes my private tutor. HA HOW BOUT THAT HUHHH but in all honesty, i love the thought of him riling and teasing you instead of yk, playing favourite and get you alone in his office. he likes edging people and he'd surely likes it if you tease him back too ayy papi😝

[idiacide]

First of all bless for making a gender neutral blog! also, i’m not sure if this is too far into oc territory for you, but if it’s fine, maybe some romantic headcanons for the staff with an mc in their like mid 20s or smth (or an adult at least), so instead of being a student they get assigned to them as like a ta or smth? sorry if this is too convoluted 😅

As a genderqueer person it was always kind of frustrating to me to swim through a pretty constant sea of fem!reader, especially when it was headcanons that didn’t particularly need to be gendered. Glad to see other people are responding to it! I’m gonna leave the age vague for basic comfort level (since Trein is 58) but this should fit the basic gist of it. Also I’m sticking with the academic staff for this because I don’t feel I have enough of a grasp on Sam just yet to comfortable write him. Some light nsfw ahead.

Dire Crowley: -You’re his secretary/personal assistant/gofer/sometimes, you swear, therapy dog that he carries around in a little purse

-Crowley keeps you busy constantly with constant campus antics (and, let’s be real, his own unwillingness to fix problems that he often causes). Still, there are decided perks. He never fails to express his gratitude, and he is very vocal about his respect for your own abilities. Pay is nothing to sneeze at either, and free room and board are just the cherry on top

-Despite his tendency to overhype his own benevolence Crowley really is a very generous man, in his way. He’s ready to lend a sympathetic ear when he can, and while he may not always be super helpful he’s always ready to be asked when his services can be of use.

-Getting romantically involved with Dire means getting to see a little more of his serious side. He’s so much of a character around everyone else that you kind of doubt anyone would believe you about what he’s like when you’re alone together. He can be genuinely a very tender and soothing partner, with the faintest bit of edge that keeps things fresh.

-And that edge does come through. He’ll say things occasionally with the strangest hint of prophecy, jokes that aren’t really jokes. There’s the faintest hints of a possessive streak as well. Not so much expressed in terms of jealousy, just....there’s something peculiarly inescapable about him. Like this is a man who would move heaven and earth just to make sure you were where he could see you

-.....Its probably fine : )

-Surprisingly, he’s a bit of a stickler for work/life boundaries. On the clock you’re back to your roles of boss and assistant with very little exchange of affection beyond basic friendliness. There are always fresh flowers on your desk, though, and he’s much less presumptuous of your time than he was initially.

-He gets very weepy if you make the two of you lunches to share. Very dramatic. Don’t mind him he’s a sucker for domesticity.

Divus Crewel: -You’re his teaching assistant, a position that includes inventory on the many ingredients he uses in the potions classroom, grading on exams and take home assignments, helping him with live demonstrations, and giving a few dedicated lessons of your own. As well as taking in his dry cleaning (this line of work is very hard on his clothes even with as careful as he is).

-It should surprise exactly no one that Divus is a very exacting boss. You do the job until its done right, and if you don’t do it right then you do it again and again until you’ve perfected it. 

-Still, he’s also very fair. He makes appropriate note of effort and he doesn’t hold you to any standards he doesn’t also hold himself to. Screwups are punished, but successes are rewarded. He wouldn’t have taken you on for this position if he wasn’t well assured of your competence. He just wants you to demonstrate that potential fully.

-As a partner he fulfills nearly every expectation, albeit with not a lot of warmth. Divus isn’t particularly effusive emotionally. “Warm regard” really is a fitting turn of phrase for how he views you. That doesn’t mean you’re treated coldly, though. Far from it, off the clock he is almost shockingly prone to spoiling you with gifts and dinners and the like.

-He’s a bit controlling as a partner, not aggressively so but he has a tendency to take charge out of habit. He manages your clothes, your schedule, and your meals. If you tell him to step off, he will, he just has a very “I know best’ mentality and likes to take care of things he regards as precious.

-Absolutely no less of a hardass with you during work but there’s a certain playfulness about it, almost like he’s challenging you. He doesn’t mind if you give him a little shit for it back at home, almost encourages it.

-That riding crop is NOT just for show. Enjoy.

-He’s neither advertising nor hiding your relationship from his students, but any smart remarks about it are going to be immediately met with the full force of his cold sarcasm.

-Actually gets kind of a thrill out of workplace affection. Nothing too explicit, he’s not that unprofessional, but you may find him pulling you aside for a quick kiss in the supply closet or letting his hand glide along your waist in passing. Divus takes his job and his reputation very seriously, but he’s never once let it hold him back from enjoying himself.

Mozus Trein: -Being Trein’s teaching assistant is a little bit less varied in terms of tasks but is no less demanding. He assigns a LOT more homework than Crewel, and also expects you to help him keep up with research in order to keep his curriculum as updated as possible.

-He has very strong expectations of your work ethic and is very strict about deadlines. However, unlike Divus’ expectation that you reproduce his own work effortlessly, Trein actually expects a certain amount of back and forth. You’re meant to be reading these materials, not just copying them, and that includes himself.

-The two of you often enjoys some very intense discussion over a cup of tea, Lucius curled in your lap and purring like mad. Mozus’ eyes glitter a little more with each remark, and he looks so relaxed. A far cry from the stern pedagogue you see in the classroom.

-At his age Mozus has sort of lost the desire for any kind of grand romance. High drama and emotions will be all well and good for poetry, but ultimately he’s just looking for someone to take care of, and who can take care of him right back.

-His daughters are old enough to make up their own minds about you, and while he certainly wouldn’t stick around long with anyone who just despised his kids you’re not expected to take on more parental responsibility towards them than you’re comfortable doing. That said, he does get the slightest bit emotional when he sees you being affectionate with them. He’s a proud and loving father, despite his stern reputation, and it warms his heart to see you be a part of their lives like this.

-Being a good catparent to Lucius is NON-OPTIONAL though. You will adore that cat like he deserves or you will simply not be seeing Mozus.

-Mozus is a very attentive partner. He’s very tuned into your needs and fusses constantly over you taking care of yourself. 

-He has a very strict sense of decorum. Chances are very good that once you started dating seriously he summarily dismissed you from the teaching assistant role and sought other help. He still appreciates your help with research, though, and enjoys hearing your feedback.

-His favorite evenings in the world are spent on the sofa, tea in your hands, talking quietly with the cat settled in between you. Perhaps its not exciting or glamorous, but it feels like home to him, and it softens him in ways no one could’ve ever expected.

Ashton Vargas:-You’re his assistant coach, which is pretty much as straightforward as it sounds. You help supervise his classes as well as the sports extracurriculars, as well as help with equipment maintenance.

-As far as bosses go, he’s alright. If you show up and do the job there’s not too much trouble.

-As a person though? Hoo boy.

-Someone had to hold the rivals to lovers stick

-Your relationship with Vargas likely started from an unsurprisingly physical place. Unfortunately for everyone the man is EXACTLY as hot as he thinks he is. He’s also a talented athlete which means that the competitive environment at work gets out of hand.

-Your students have a private betting pool on the two of you. Azul is running a small gambling ring on who starts it, who wins, and who’s the most pissed off by the end of the week.

-As well as how long till you hook up.

-As it turns out only a couple of months. In the locker room after all the students have gone home. The prick makes you clean up the room yourself too.

-Despite the tempestuous start....once you can actually get him to take the relationship seriously there are some unexpected perks to seeing Vargas.

-For as egotistical and demanding as he can often be. he’s just as much in your corner as he is in his own. He will loudly hype you up for anyone listening (and a few people who would rather not).

-He’s VERY needy affection wise, including on the job. Crowley has you in his office so many times for workplace conduct talks.

-Clingy in every sense of the word. Wants you to move in very quickly and is constantly blowing up your phone. Its kind of cute from a guy that burly and brash.

-He gets very excited over things, its one of his more endearing qualities.

[tinted-skies]

the journey to us

Jeno fluff // part 1 of ?? - a friendship blooms

he met you through Jisung

your bestie.

and tbh when he met you, he didn’t think much about it

mmm she’s Jisungie’s friend so she must be nice

but turns out you were not only “nice” but also really sweet, caring and lowkey funny af

the dreamies would quickly find themselves asking Jisung to bring you along

because why not

and tbh when Jisung started asking you to tag along every week you were very surprised

much like Jeno, when you met the boys you didn’t think much about it

not expecting to get along so well with them

but here you were!

their newest and cutest addition to the group

you quickly became really close to Chenle

because duh he’s Jisung’s other bestie

and Renjun!!

you guys totally bonded over art and candles!

but just to be clear

if any of them asked

you would say that you liked every single one of them the same amount

they pretty much treated you like one of the boys

which was great of course

but also had its disadvantages (aka them making crappy jokes and sometimes totally forgetting about boundaries)

*eye roll* istg men

if i were your friend i would never treat you this way

alright moving on

sometimes when their comments went a little bit too far

you got a little bit hurt

but you hid it

retaliating and often managing to get them speechless with your comebacks

which made them think that you didn’t get affected one bit

Y/N ice queen au

one day you all went camping

ewww camping i’m sorry but ew

the boys were making dinner

mainly Jaemin and Haechan

and you were sitting with the others chit-chatting

but then you received a text

saying that you had failed one of your exams

and your mood changed drastically

because you knew that once you got home you would have to face your parents

which would remind you once again that “they were paying your college bills for you to study and not for you to go out with a random group of boys everyday”

BLAHBLAHBLAH

but mainly because you felt disappointed in yourself

you had put your all into this exam

and felt like crying your heart out from how dumb you felt

idk who needs to hear this but YOUR GRADES DO NOT REFLECT YOUR INTELLIGENCE.

you’re so smart queen pls don’t cry

and so, you left

getting in the tent that you were sharing with Jisung

and tbh the guys didn’t even notice you were gone for like 10 minutes

just assuming you went to the toilet or something

are there toilets on camping thingies??? idk but you get what i mean

but when Jeno didn’t see you sitting on your chair snuggling in your blanket HE UNDERSTOOD SOMETHING WAS UP

he asked the others about it, but they just shrugged

however, Jeno couldn’t stay indifferent to your disappearance

it was dark and cold

and you were alone!!

for all he knew you could be lost in the woods

and have been attacked by a bear!

so, he decided to zip up his jacket and go look for you

like the brave man he is

however, his adventure was cut short when he saw light coming from your tent

he could figure your sitting shadow inside of it

and as he got closer, he heard low sniffles

he hesitated

thinking that he should probably give you some space

but tbh there was a big part of him that just wanted to hug you

so that’s what he did

kinda

he peeked inside of your tent

startling you

real smooth Lee Jeno real smooth

and waited for you to give him permission to enter

Jeno consent king

which you obviously granted

he sat in front of you

using your blanket to cover his legs as well

while he got comfortable you dried your tears with your sweater

shit- nicely done Y/N now you’re embarrassing yourself in front of Jeno

you had told yourself to never breakdown in front of any of the boys

but here you were

puffy red eyes

pink cheeks still wet

btw you look really pretty when you cry

Jeno told me this

and Jeno knew he would sound like an asshole, but he just couldn’t help himself thinking

wow... Y/N got feelings...

but in his defence never in a million years would he expect to see you like this

specially since you guys weren’t that close

you found yourself surprisingly at ease now that you were in his presence

telling him about all the pressure that your family and college were putting on you

Jeno listened attentively to everything you said

lots of hums and nods coming from him

showing you that he was fully invested in everything you were sharing

he even found himself relating to some of the things that had been bothering you lately

which only made the need to hug you stRONGER

BUT HE DIDN’T

he held himself back from doing so

but after that night you two definitely grew closer

read part 2 -> here!!

[saboten-princess]

hi hi how are you ?? i was wondering if i could request an jjk matchup please ?? :)

personality wise, i’d say i’m pretty chill and friendly. i do try my best to be kind and considerate to others, even when it means i have to hold back a lot. i like to keep situations light hearted and playful, and i’m not one to pick fights or arguments (however, if i feel like someone’s taking it to far, i won’t hesitate to step in). my friends describe me as someone who’s an “good person you can trust.” and “always laughing or zoning out.” i’m pretty shy, and i can be very awkward when it comes to meeting new people. but once i’m comfortable with you, i’ll open up more. i’m very affectionate to my close friends, and i love to tease them as well. i love to act oblivious or play dumb when it comes to someone flirting with me. but i can forget easily, and can be a bit clumsy, but i would say i’m observant when it comes to having one on one conversations with people. some people would consider me as an “nerd” or “over achiever” because i aim for good grades and i love to learn new things but i don’t think there’s nothing wrong with that !! my mbti is also infj !!

but yeah that’s pretty much it !! thank you sm and i hope you have an great day !! <3

your jjk matchups are: gojo satoru & geto suguru (´,,•ω•,,)♡

gojo: gojo would fall for you because of your easygoing nature and warm personality—he'd be super keen to get to know the 'real you', teasing his way past your initial shyness with a lot of good-natured joking around and over-the-top flirting. gojo would take you on fun surprise dates to places that you've casually mentioned wanting to visit, and you'd be delighted that he remembered small details like that. he'd tease you about how seriously you take your studies but would also be extremely supportive: encouraging you to do your best, bringing you coffee when you're up late studying, and celebrating with you when you receive high grades or pass big exams. he'd be very physically affectionate with you, always wanting to touch you and be close to you. and of course, he'd want to show you off to his friends while making sure that they know how much he respects and adores you.

geto: geto would be initially attracted to you for your empathy and intelligence; he'd respect your boundaries and not push too hard at first because he can tell that you're shy around new people, so he'd take it slow. geto would take you on dates to the bookstore and aquarium, pointing out his favorite aquatic animals and asking you which ones are your favorites (he also 100% is the type to read all of the little information plaques by the exhibits). he's highly supportive of your studies and loves how intelligent and focused you are. your lighthearted nature reminds him not to be too serious, and you're both highly 'in tune' with what the other person is feeling. he makes sure that no matter what, you always know how deeply he cares for you. '

hope you enjoy your matchup, sweet anon, and hope you have a lovely day (￣ε￣＠)

𝔳𝔦𝔰𝔦𝔱 𝔪𝔶 𝔯𝔢𝔮𝔲𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔰 𝔭𝔞𝔤𝔢 𝔱𝔬 𝔯𝔢𝔮𝔲𝔢𝔰𝔱 𝔪𝔞𝔱𝔠𝔥𝔲𝔭𝔰 & 𝔰𝔢𝔩𝔣 𝔦𝔫𝔰𝔢𝔯𝔱𝔰

[prouvaireafterdark]

See Something You Like? - Malex Sex Shop AU Part 1/2

It’s FINALLY here: the Malex Sex Shop AU you’ve all been waiting for! Well, the first half anyway (Part Two will be out soon!)

I dedicate this fic to my friendly neighborhood Thigh Riding Anon™️, who inspired this fic with her galaxy brain prompt, and all of you who have been patiently waiting for me to finish this absolute monster of a smut fic. I hope you enjoy it! 💜😘

Also on AO3!

***

When Michael moved to California to start his PhD in agricultural engineering, he’d grossly underestimated how expensive the move would be. The stipend that came with his teaching assistantship just barely covers the rent on his studio apartment, and finding a roommate off Craigslist that’s desperate enough to live in such close quarters isn’t exactly an option considering how many alien skeletons Michael’s got in his closet. The vegetables he’s planning on growing in his complex’s shared community garden will help, but if he wants to eat any time soon he’s gonna have to find a part time job.

Enter Jackie and Kris, the delightful middle-aged lesbian couple who live next door and share Michael’s enthusiasm for sustainable gardening and the occasional midnight smoke.

They get to talking one night while passing a bong back and forth over the railing that divides their balconies, first about DIY organic fertilizer and then about Michael’s degree. He lets spill in a moment of weakness that his coursework is a breeze, but he’s worried he’ll run out of money before he can finish the program. As embarrassed as he is about the confession, it ends up saving his life.

Turns out, Jackie and Kris own a sex shop named Pandora’s Box around the corner and have been looking for some help running the storefront while they focus on expanding their online business and organizing safe sex workshops for the local queer and BDSM communities. The hours would be flexible around Michael’s schedule and all they really would need him to do is stand behind the register, ring people up, and answer questions about their products with “affability and professionalism.”

It’s maybe not the work he imagined himself doing when he moved to California for grad school, but for $15/hr, Michael really can’t afford to say no. He sits for an official interview the very next day and leaves Jackie’s home office with a new job and a pot brownie wrapped in tin foil, eager to get started on both.

Monday afternoons at Pandora's Box are the best. They’re notoriously slow so Michael gets to work his shift alone, which gives him ample time to grade the assignments he procrastinated on all weekend while he sits behind the counter.

It’s a Monday afternoon, in fact, about a year and a half later, when Michael hears the bell above the door chime softly to announce the arrival of a customer who would change his life forever.

The first thing Michael notices when he lifts his head from the stack of exams on the counter is the black leather jacket that’s stretched across the man’s broad shoulders. When Michael’s eyes flick up to get a look at the man’s face, he’s met with sharp cheekbones, beautifully tan skin, and a pair of trendy but understated sunglasses. He looks a little lost—unsurprising, since Michael’s certain he would have remembered it if he’d ever seen a man that pretty walk into his shop before—but when he realizes Michael’s looking at him, he flips his sunglasses up onto his artfully messy dark hair and smiles.

And oh, what a smile it is—the most beautiful one Michael has ever seen, soft and sweeter that it has any right to be, his full lips capturing Michael’s attention with ease. His heart pounds in his chest as their eyes lock together, and if Michael didn’t know any better, he’d think he’s just fallen in love with a perfect stranger.

Before Michael can do more than shoot him a dazed smile in return, the man disappears down an aisle.

As a general rule, Michael doesn’t talk to customers who don’t approach him for help first. It’s best practice in a store that sells pornography and sex toys—most customers don’t want to be questioned about their kinks, and those that do usually already know what they’re looking for—but the pull he feels toward this man is undeniable. He’s curious about him for reasons he can’t explain, and as his feet carry him off in the direction the man went, Michael decides not to question it.

Michael weaves casually through the aisles until he finds the man staring up at the floor to ceiling wall display of dildos and other anal toys—because of course he does. He sends a prayer to a god he doesn’t believe in that this man isn’t buying something for his girlfriend before he steps in line beside him.

“See something you like?” Michael asks, toning down his customer service voice into something approaching normal human speech.

Up close, he can see the man has a septum piercing, which glints a little in the light. Michael’s seen plenty of people with body jewelry come through this store, but he’s never really thought of it as cute until now.

The man smiles at him, a little shy, but Michael’s not so distracted this time that he misses the way his eyes flick over his body in naked interest, and it leaves him feeling a little hot under the collar.

“I’m not sure yet,” the stranger answers.

Even his voice is nice, Michael notes, deeper than he expects and smooth like honey.

Michael nods in understanding. He gets it—this wall can certainly be intimidating, even for someone who’s been to a sex shop before. He looks the man over again, taking in his charmingly flushed cheeks, and wonders if it’s his first time in a place like this. If maybe he needs a little help after all.

It’s a good thing Michael’s an expert, huh?

He doesn’t want to come at him too strongly, though. Encountering an overbearing sales associate isn’t any more fun than being one, and Michael certainly isn’t looking to push the guy passed his personal boundaries. He may be smitten, but he’s not an asshole.

“Well, if you have any questions about any of our products, my name’s Michael,” he says, flashing him a warm smile.

He’s about to go off in search of a nearby display to straighten up so he can give the man some space, but his voice catches Michael’s attention once more.

“And if I don’t have questions?” the man asks, and when Michael turns to look at him there’s a real smile tugging at his lips this time. “What should I call you then?”

Michael laughs, shaking his head as he shoots back, “Okay, smartass, what should I call you?”

For a single, horrible second after his own words reach his ears, Michael thinks he’s gone too far, but the sudden burst of anxiety in his chest turns out to be for nothing—the man’s grin only grows wider.

“Alex,” he says, and to Michael’s surprise he holds his hand out for him.

Alex’s palm is warm against his when he shakes it, and Michael can’t help but wonder how it would feel anchored in his curls or clutching tight to the skin of his hips.

“So, Alex,” Michael starts, emboldened by the introduction. He finds he likes the way Alex’s name feels in his mouth. “What are you in the market for today?”

Alex flushes a little and it’s so endearing Michael has to bite the inside of his bottom lip to keep from smiling.

“That’s the thing—I don’t really know,” Alex answers honestly. “There’s just so many options.”

“Okay, well, let’s start with an easier question: are you shopping for yourself or a significant other?” he asks, and, yeah, maybe he’s planning on filing the answer to his question away for later. Sue him.

Alex looks at him like maybe he suspects ulterior motives, but Michael shamelessly holds his gaze.

“No boyfriend,” Alex says, the corner of his mouth twitching up. “I’m looking for something for myself.”

“Fantastic,” Michael smiles, before he slips a little deeper into salesman mode. “So, judging by the aisle we’re standing in, I’m gonna take a leap and say that you’re looking for a toy you can use for internal anal stimulation. Is that right?”

“Yeah. Think you can help me out with that?” Alex asks, sliding his hands into his pockets.

“Definitely,” Michael answers with a smirk before he turns to the wall display. “As you can see, we have a pretty wide selection; you name it, we’ve probably either got it in stock or can have it shipped in three to five business days. Is there a particular price point you’re aiming for?”

Alex seems to think about it. “I’m not really looking to spend more than $100, but I could go up to $150 if it’ll change my life.”

“I can work with that,” Michael assures him. “Any other parameters I should keep in mind?”

“I’ve read that jelly toys can be dangerous, so definitely not anything made out of that,” Alex says, and Michael’s glad to hear he’s done his research. Jelly toys are frustratingly popular because they’re so cheap and Michael usually has to put in a little work to talk people out of buying them.

“Oh yeah, fuck that jelly shit,” Michael agrees, and Alex’s startled laugh makes his heart skip. “They’re impossible to sanitize properly and they’re full of toxic chemicals—you wouldn’t believe the horror stories I’ve heard about them since I started working here. If you’re looking for something with a softer texture, medical grade silicone is really the only way to go. Just make sure you stick to water-based lube or else you could ruin your toy.”

Alex nods thoughtfully, like he’s read that too.

“Glass and metal are also good options,” Michael continues. “They obviously feel a lot harder inside you, but they’re easy to clean, you don’t have to be as careful about what lube you use, and they’re naturally waterproof. They’re excellent for temperature play, too, if you’re into that.”

“Never tried it,” Alex confesses.

“It’s not for everyone, but it can be a fun time,” Michael says, recalling the scorching summer afternoon he spent fooling around with an ice cube tray and a girl he met on Tinder. “So, your options are metal, glass, and silicone. Any preference?”

Michael notices Alex’s eye catching on a set of stainless steel plugs, but he answers, “Silicone for now, I think.”

“Good choice,” Michael replies easily. “So, now that we know what material you’re looking for, let’s talk about your ideal experience. What are you looking to get out of your purchase?”

“An orgasm?” Alex answers, his confusion evident.

Michael laughs. “Sorry, I meant—how would you like to get there? What sort of sensation are you looking for?”

Alex looks a little lost at the question, so Michael turns to plan B.

“See, this one, for example,” Michael says, pointing to a familiar black prostate massager, “is great for when you wanna get off fast and hard. It’s not too thick, so you don’t have to spend a ton of time opening yourself up for it, and the curve puts the tip of it right up on your p-spot. It’s also got a bunch of different vibration settings and get this: It’s waterproof.”

Alex hums in interested acknowledgement, though Michael notes that the longer he talks, the more Alex’s attention is fixed on him, not the toy.

Feeling bold, Michael adds, “I’d advise caution if you’ve got thin walls though.”

“Why, does it make a lot of noise?” Alex asks curiously.

A slow grin spreads across Michael’s lips. “No,” he says with a shake of his head. “But you will.”

Michael watches Alex try and fail to suppress a smile, his full bottom lip caught between his teeth.

“You seem pretty sure of that,” Alex says when he releases it. “That from firsthand experience, or are you just a really good salesman?”

Michael laughs, equal parts delighted by Alex’s flirting and embarrassed by the memory his question brings to mind.

“What?” Alex asks, a smile building on his face.

“I probably shouldn’t tell you,” Michael hesitates, his face heating up just thinking about it. “It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“Aw, come on,” Alex goads him. “Don’t be such a tease.”

Michael gasps in mock offense. “I’ve been called a lot of things, but a tease isn’t one of them.”

“That mean you’re gonna tell me what’s got you blushing like that after all?” Alex asks.

“I’m not blushing,” Michael protests, even though he definitely is.

Alex raises an eyebrow at him. It’s stupidly attractive.

With a huff, Michael considers his options. He doesn’t usually give personal anecdotes like this to customers, but there’s just something about Alex that makes Michael want to give him whatever he wants.

“Fuck it, why not?” Michael says to himself.

Alex smiles victoriously and settles in to listen.

“So, about a year ago, I came in to work and found this box sitting on the table in the break room, which was filled with a bunch of different toys from the company that makes that massager. I asked my boss about it and she said the company sent her a bunch of free samples.”

“Does that happen often?” Alex interrupts to ask. “Companies just send you free stuff?”

“Eh, sometimes, if it’s from a new line of toys that a company wants retailers to hype up,” Michael explains. “It helps that my boss Jackie’s wife Kris has a pretty popular blog where she tests and rates toys, so she gets free stuff all the time.”

“Huh,” Alex says. “So I’m guessing you took one after your shift?”

“Oh yeah,” Michael nods. “Tried it out as soon as I got home.”

“How was it?”

“Intense is about the only word that covers it,” Michael answers. “Those vibrations can be really powerful, it was like nothing else I’d ever tried before. Definitely one of my top ten solo orgasms of all time.”

“Not number one?” Alex asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, I came in, like, a minute, so no, not quite,” Michael laughs.

“Is that the embarrassing part?” Alex asks. “That you came so fast?”

“Not quite,” Michael winces, his cheeks flushing. “As I was coming, I screamed so loud that the little old lady whose living room is on the other side of my bedroom called the cops on me. Apparently, she thought I was being murdered.”

“Oh no,” Alex laughs, eyes wide.

“Yeah,” Michael agrees. “Not exactly the happy ending I was after.”

Alex laughs again, but there’s heat behind his eyes too when he asks, a moment later, “Not usually a screamer, I take it?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that,” Michael winks.

“Mm,” Alex hums thoughtfully. He looks Michael right in the eye as he asks, “Well, what if I don’t want to get off that fast? What if I want to make it last?”

Michael tries not to smile as he gets back to business.

“Well, I should mention that this massager does also have softer levels of vibration intensity, which I only discovered after Officer ACAB knocked on my door,” Michael says.

Alex laughs before asking incredulously, “You didn’t read the instructions?”

“Uh, no,” Michael admits. “I’m more of a ‘take things apart and see how they work’ kinda guy, I’ve never been big on reading the directions.”

“Even after your little misadventure?” Alex asks.

“Hey, don’t knock my process. I got a fantastic orgasm out of that ‘misadventure,’” Michael reminds him.

“How could I forget?” Alex asks, shooting Michael a look that really tests his self-restraint.

Michael huffs a laugh and reaches up to scratch the back of his own neck so he doesn’t do something stupid, like push Alex against the fucking dildo display and kiss that look off his face.

“So, anyway,” Michael starts, shifting the topic back toward the task at hand, “you can either learn from my mistakes or you can try something that doesn’t have vibrations at all. We’ve got a great selection of dildos in all shapes and sizes.”

“Do any of them come with a story?” Alex asks cheekily.

Michael snickers in spite of himself. “Maybe,” he says noncommittally. “Let’s see what we’ve got in stock.”

Michael hums as he looks over the display, searching for another recommendation he can make, when his eye catches on a purple dildo with ribbing along the shaft.

“This one’s a good starter dildo,” he says, pointing it out. “It’s a pretty modest size, but the ribbing feels really nice and there’s a suction cup on the bottom if you wanna stick it somewhere and fuck yourself onto it. There’s also a few by the same company that have a hole that you can slide a bullet vibrator into if you wanna get something that can do both.”

“Have you tried them all?” Alex asks.

Michael laughs, looking up at the expansive display of dildos. “Not all of them,” he says, glancing over to Alex as he continues, “but the employee discount here is very generous and, as you already know, sometimes we get free shit. I’ve built up a bit of a collection since I started working here.”

“I see,” Alex replies, the corner of his mouth turning up before he sucks his bottom lip into his mouth. Michael tracks the movement hungrily when Alex releases it a moment later to ask, “Which one’s your favorite?”

“Depends,” Michael shrugs, aiming for nonchalance even though he can feel himself chubbing up in his jeans.

“On?”

“On how full I wanna feel,” Michael answers, and there’s no mistaking the heat that blazes in Alex’s eyes at those words, nor the sudden intake of breath that fills his chest.

If Alex wants him half as much as it looks like he does, Michael doesn’t even care if he gets fired for where this conversation is headed, so long as it ends with Alex’s hands on him.

“See, sometimes all I’m looking for is enough internal stimulation to get the job done,” Michael elaborates, his eyes watching Alex closely. “When I feel like that, I’ll use that prostate massager I showed you earlier on myself.”

Alex’s eyes flick over to the sleek black toy still sitting on the shelf that they’d just discussed.

“And the other times?” Alex asks when he tears his eyes away.

“Other times… other times I really wanna feel it,” Michael purrs, taking a step closer. Alex’s eyes drop right to his mouth, his tongue flicking out to wet his bottom lip, and Michael can’t stop himself from asking, “You ever get like that, Alex? Like you just need something thick and heavy filling you up, so deep you’ll be feeling it for days?”

“Yeah,” Alex rasps.

“You wanna know what I fuck myself with then?” he asks.

Alex nods, eyes still on Michael’s mouth.

Michael gives him a sly grin before he backs up a few steps to find the sample of the eight inch galaxy dildo he treated himself to a few months ago. Alex follows him, as if they’re connected by an invisible string.

“This one,” he says, removing it from the shelf and offering it up for Alex’s inspection.

Alex takes it from him, his eyes passing over it with interest as he tests the give of the silicone with his fingers. Michael wonders if he’s imagining what it would look like inside him. He hopes he is.

“It might not look like much compared to some of the fucking horse cocks we sell here, but it’s thick,” Michael says, his cock hardening further the more he thinks about it, the longer Alex stands there holding it. “Takes me some time to work up to it, but it’s always worth it when I do.”

“Yeah?” Alex asks, eyes fixed where he’s shifting his hold on the dildo to measure it’s thickness with his fingers.

“Yeah,” Michael breathes, watching how Alex wraps his thumb and forefinger in a tight circle around the toy. They only just touch around its girth.

Alex hums to himself, sounding pleased, and Michael’s gut churns with the need to hear that sound again.

“I bet this stretches you out nice, huh,” Alex wonders a moment later, and with the way he stares at Michael then, like he’s trying to picture how he would look stuffed full, his rim taught over the silicone, he just knows Alex isn’t speaking generically.

“Yeah, it does,” Michael agrees quietly, trying not to squirm under the intensity of Alex’s gaze.

“How do you use it?” Alex asks him, stoking the flames inside him further.

“If you play your cards right, you just might find out,” Michael shoots back.

“You’d let me watch?” Alex asks, a smile teasing at his lips, and it’s all Michael can do not to get lost in the idea of riding that toy while Alex watches with his hand around his cock.

“Think I’d let you do more than that,” Michael admits.

Alex full-on grins at that, but before he can open his mouth to reply someone clears their throat behind them.

Michael’s heart seizes in his chest as he whips around to see Jenna Cameron, a regular customer and occasional drinking buddy of his, standing with her thumbs tucked into her police-issue gun belt. Michael can feel his erection flag at the sight of her.

“What’s a girl gotta do to get some service around here, Guerin?” Cameron asks, somehow managing to look annoyed and amused simultaneously. He notices there’s a discreet black plastic bag dangling from her fingers. “I’ve got places to be.”

“Shit, sorry, I didn’t hear anyone else come in,” Michael apologizes, trying and failing to keep a blush off his face.

“I can see that,” she answers with a pointed glance at Alex.

Michael takes an instinctive step away from him and clears his throat.

“I’ve gotta—“ he says to Alex, jerking his thumb behind him.

“Yeah,” Alex nods, eyes on his shoelaces. It makes the pleasure that had been coiling in his belly sour further.

“I’ll be right back,” Michael tells him, soft enough that Cameron won’t overhear.

The smile Alex gives him in return is encouraging enough that Michael’s fairly certain he won’t disappear if he leaves, so he follows Cameron back toward the register, all the while pointedly ignoring the smirk he can feel her directing at the side of his face.

He walks around the other side of the cash wrap and crosses his arms over his chest before he asks her, without an ounce of enthusiasm, “What do you want?”

“Damn, you’re really earning that employee of the month trophy aren’t you, Guerin?” she jokes, tossing the bag on the table. “I bought a harness this weekend, but it was broken when I took it out of the box. Receipt’s in the bag.”

Michael takes the box the leather strap-on harness came in out of the bag along with the receipt.

“Do you want a refund or an exchange?”

“Refund,” she says. “I’m thinking about getting one of those strapless ones instead.”

“You should talk to Kris, she’s got opinions about those,” he says as he starts scanning the receipt.

“Oh?” Cameron asks. “Is she here?”

“Nope,” he says, popping the ‘p’. “You can catch her at the bondage workshop she’s running later though.”

“Perfect,” she replies before leaning forward onto the counter on her elbows. “So are you gonna tell me who the hottie with the nose ring you were talking to is?”

“Why, so you can find out if he’s got any priors?” Michael jokes, not taking his eyes off his task.

“Very funny,” Cameron deadpans. “You fuck him yet?”

“None of your business,” Michael answers.

“So that’s a no, then,” she smirks, and Michael lets out a long-suffering sigh in response.

“Don’t you have places to be? Donuts to eat?” he asks, pushing her return receipt hastily in her direction.

Before Cameron can answer, the front door swings open and in walks a short middle-aged woman with a dark brown pixie cut carrying an iced coffee and a stack of papers.

Michael startles at the sight of her, realizing it must be later in his shift than he’d thought—exactly how long had he stood there talking to Alex?—but he’s never been one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

“Kris!” Michael calls to her. “Perfect timing, Cam’s got some strap-on questions for you.”

“Well, I’ve got some strap-on answers,” Kris answers cheerfully as she walks around them to drop the stack of papers—freshly-printed but yet-to-be-folded safe sex pamphlets, Michael notices—onto the counter next to the second register. “Step into my office, baby girl.”

Cameron shoots Michael a look before she steps to the side to talk to Kris, who’s leaning patiently against the side of the cash wrap.

With Cameron finally out of his hair but Kris close enough to notice him leave, Michael starts planning his escape so he can find Alex again, but it turns out he doesn’t need one. When he looks up after putting Cam’s broken harness in the bin under the counter, he sees the man in question approaching his register with a familiar black box in his hands.

“I was gonna wait for you,” Alex explains as he sets the box on the counter, “but I’m actually supposed to be meeting my brother soon.”

“Shame,” Michael says, wishing they had more time. “I was looking forward to finishing that conversation.”

Alex glances covertly at Kris and Cameron before he leans a hair closer and says, “Don’t know that it was the conversation you were hoping to finish.”

Michael blushes, casting a look at Kris and Cameron to make sure they’re too engrossed in their conversation to notice when he leans in a little further and says, low so only Alex will hear, “What can I say? I’m very committed to customer satisfaction.”

Alex laughs, a bright and happy sound that makes Michael’s heart feel strangely full, before he asks, “You charm all your customers like this?”

“No,” Michael says honestly. “Not even a little bit.”

Alex looks at him for a long minute, trying to spot the lie, and when he finds none he merely shakes his head with an incredulous smile.

“Lucky me,” he says.

Michael winks at him before he turns his attention to the box on the counter, shifting it in his hands until he finds the barcode. He usually never comments on his customers’ purchases, but with this one he simply can’t resist.

“Went with the prostate massager, huh?” Michael asks, as he rings him up.

“What can I say?” Alex answers, a smile creeping onto his face. “You made me curious.”

“Well, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed,” Michael says.

“No,” Alex replies, and the way he looks at him then makes Michael wonder if they’re still talking about the massager. “I don’t think I will.”

Michael smiles at him before he tells him his total. Alex inserts the end of his card in the reader and his receipt prints a brief moment later.

“Can you sign here?” Michael asks, passing Alex the merchant’s copy of his receipt and the green pen he’d been grading with earlier.

“Mhm,” Alex hums, plucking the pen from his fingers and signing his name in a delicate script.

Michael ducks under the counter to find a bag adequately sized for Alex’s purchase before he places the box inside it along with Alex’s copy of the receipt.

“You’re all set,” Michael says, pushing the box in Alex’s direction.

“Thanks,” Alex smiles, holding the merchant copy of the receipt out for Michael to take. “And this is for you.”

Their fingers brush as Michael takes it from him and Michael swears he can feel the tension crackling between them at the simple touch.

“Thanks,” Michael says, mouth a little dry.

Alex glances back to Kris and Cam before he says, “Have a nice day, Michael.”

“You too,” Michael says, his eyes straying pointedly to the black bag in Alex’s hand.

“Oh, I will,” Alex says, one corner of his lips lifting up into a smile before he turns and heads for the door.

Michael can’t help but watch his ass and those broad shoulders as he leaves.

Once Alex is gone, Michael unfolds the receipt Alex left for him. He’s about to slide it into the folder they keep by the register for receipts when he notices the phone number printed neatly beside Alex’s signature. Below, Alex has also written the words: Hit me up if you want to hear my review.

“You strike out?”

Michael startles, looking up to see Cameron leaning on the counter, a lot closer than she was a moment ago. He sees Kris at the far end, folding her papers into pamphlets for her workshop later.

“Not quite,” Michael grins and pockets the receipt.

[fandombitxh-derogatory]

Okay, so this is only my opinion, and I don't mean any hate to people with different opinions. If you have a different opinion and want to tell me it in the replies, that's fine as long as it's respectful.

TW: mentions of stalking and suicide baiting

I, personally, don't like Midoriya (Deku) as a character. I know that he is the main character and the story is told in his perspective, but I just don't like him. This comes from a place where I had a friend who was like Midoriya, and, in that situation, I was Bakugou.

This friend would follow me around constantly and would never accept my declines to hang out unless I said my mom told me no. It got so bad that my mom and I had a code word in order for her to tell this kid no if they asked instead of me. This friend had been really nice, super supportive and always looking out for me. Then, they started asking about my writing, constantly and insistently. They even figured out my email password in order to read the stories that I didn't want anyone to read.

Now the reason I bring all this up is because, eventually, I started reacting agressively. I would ignore them for days on end until they approached me in person, and then I'd call them names and tell them to leave me alone. I'm aware, now, that that wasn't the right way to approach the situation, but at the time I was only in 5th grade. I was 10-11, and I didn't know how to deal with the constant, unwanted attention. Sure, I told my mom, but she just said to ignore them. I told the school too, but they weren't any help either.

This is part of why I dislike Midoriya to the extent that I do. The fandom likes to gloss over the fact that, before middle school as far as we can see, he was constantly following Bakugou. He took notes on his Quirk and asked him invasive questions about how it worked. This probably started before they were 4, from what we can see, so Bakugou probably didn't know how to deal with constant, unwanted attention. Add in the fact that he was cannonically raised agressively, he probably lashed out. Over and over and over, until Midoriya finally left him alone.

Now, you may be thinking, "But what about the first episode? Bakugou approached Midoriya then without any trigger." And this is where I tell you that you're wrong.

In my situation, my savior was Jr. High (7th-8th grade). The kid that had constantly followed me around was going to a different jr. high and high school than I was. It was my escape from the situation, and I was so relieved when I heard about it that I cried (which I don't do often).

For Bakugou, his escape was UA. Midoriya, logically, had no chance of getting in. He had no Quirk, no training, and no real plan. All he had going for him was his analytical skills, and that wasn't going to help him in the practical. When Bakugou heard that Midoriya was going to try for UA, he probably thought that when Midoriya, inevitably, failed the heroics exam, he would go into General Studies. While they would be in different classes, that wouldn't be enough to stop Midoriya from following him and taking notes.

Now, I know that telling someone to kill themselves is horrible, and you should never do it, but I don't think that Bakugou was thinking rationally at all during that conversation. He just saw the threat of Midoriya following him to UA and reacted without thinking about the consequences. I've done that before, and I'm sure you have too.

I know this sounds like I'm trying to excuse bullying, but I'm really not. I'm trying to explain Bakugou's point of view, since we can't see it in the manga/anime due to the fact that it is written in Midoriya's perspective. With Midoriya practically stalking Bakugou from a very young age and Bakugou only knowing how to react to problems agressively, it was the only way that their relationship could have turned out. I am also saying that I relate to Bakugou more in this situation, which is why I don't like Midoriya. Again, this is only my opinion, and I don't mean any hate to anyone who thinks differently.

I don't mean to shift the blame of their dynamic onto Midoriya, but I do think that they both had a part in why it ended up as bad as it was. Many people are still waiting for an apology from Bakugou (which is understandable, though unrealistic seeing as no one in real life apologises for that kind of stuff (again that's just my opinion, no hate to anyone)), but I also want Midoriya to apologize for not respecting Bakugou's boundaries. That's just how I view their relationship, and you are more than welcome to disagree. (I'm also not caught up in the manga, so this dynamic might have changed, but for now this is how I view it.)

I might continue to do opinion pieces if you guys want, but this was just me expressing my opinion on why I don't make a lot of Midoriya stuff or BakuDeku stuff. It's perfectly fine if you like that ship or are a Midoriya stan, they just aren't my cup of tea.

[aspiringhorrorauthor]

hello, PLEASE tell me your aroace analysis of the black parade album, i would like to see it 👀👀

What up guys, I just passed a vet med practice exam and I’m aroace and emo as fuck so let’s do this

 First off, I will preface that I know that this wasn’t quite MCR’s idea of the album, but art is interpretive and I will at every possible opportunity rub my grubby little aroace hands all over that shit. This is also gonna get long so here’s a read more

 Okay so first off, let me just exclude the following songs from this interpretation simply because they are exactly as they appear: The End, Dead!, Welcome to the Black Parade, Sleep, Teenagers and Blood. I can’t find anything to really psychoanalyse in this regarding the aroace experience so much as they are about the emo experience. And also, as a heads up, I feel this may teter more into aromantic interpretation than asexual simply because that’s how I roll, baby.

Let’s start with ‘This Is How I Disappear’, there’s something in here that strikes me as ‘coming to terms with being aroace Very Badly’, that first onset of panic when you realise ‘oh crap, I’m not allo’. I didn’t have the ‘hell yeah no sexual/romantic attraction oh wait there’s a word for that?’ realisation often stated online, I was in a lot of denial, especially when I first started listening to this album.

The lines “And without you is how I disappear/and live my life alone forever now” really strikes this message to me. The gnawing sense of loneliness and isolation when you first realise that you’re not like everyone else, that ‘living a life alone’ is both what you want from life and dread, as an amatonormative society drills into every one of us that love and relationships is what makes us important in life, and without it we will simply disappear. The line hits home the pain of questioning, the horror of when you realise this is who you likely are before you can truly accept it. It’s not a pretty part of being aroace, it wasn’t for me, but it is an important one, and the lines always hit home to me in this era.

Added on to this is a sense of how we’re seen in media. Consider the line “Who walks among the famous living dead”. There’s a real push in amatonormativity that love and romance is what makes us human, what makes us alive, and without it, we’re not human. Therefore, by extension, the aromantic narrator is ‘not alive’ by these standards, nor is their community they’ve yet to find. This is also doubled down by the monster symbolism throughout the song; especially when I was younger, aromantic (and asexual) coded characters in media were always the bad guys, the monsters who could only be stopped by the unstoppable power of love; the narrator is lamenting how this part of themselves seems monstrous, evil to society, when really that isn’t true, and this evolves over the course of the album.

Let’s move on to The Sharpest Lives. This is less aroace specific, but it certainly seems like a downward spiral of the narrator, which carries on from the self-loathing of Disappear. There’s really only 1 line I want to talk about here: “Juliet loves the beat and the lust it commands/Drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands, Romeo”. This is an obvious allusion to Romeo and Juliet, but it turns on its head the usual story of Romeo and Juliet being in love; Juliet doesn’t love Romeo, she just loves the beat, and Romeo is taking it too far. This speaks to another experience, not exclusive to aromantics, but definitely strongly felt in it, when someone misinterprets the relationship or your feelings and tries to push for romance when all you wanted was a good time. I had an awful experience of this myself, so I’m claiming this one for the aroaces.

(As an aside, I got into MCR around the same time we did Romeo and Juliet at school, so imagine little me, not knowing she’s aroace and sick to death of talking about romance at school and hearing this line. To say I lost my shit was an understatement. I ADORE that line.)

Next up is ‘I Don’t Love You’. I’ve talked about this one before on my blog, but this is the song that really gives it away to me that this album is very strongly catered towards aroaces. “But it’s a break up song!” No, it’s not, if you look at it from the correct angle. Also I’ve gone to further lengths with other break up songs so try me bitches (See: Love Drunk by Boys Like Girls being about disregarding amatonormativity rather than breaking up with someone. It’s so damn obvious too)

Here’s the short of it: I Don’t Love You is actually about falling out with a friend because you had entirely different ideas as to what it was you wanted from your relationship. The aro narrator wants it to remain friends; they’re happy with where they are, and doesn’t want it to change. The other ‘person’ in the song is alloromantic, and wants it to become a romantic relationship. The most important line for this is the most important line in the song: “When you go, would you even turn to say, I don’t love you like I did yesterday”. Let’s focus on the word choice here: ‘Like I did yesterday’. When allos talk about love, they talk about the amount; if this was about falling out of love, it would reflect that, that the other person in the song loves them less, not differently. The narrator is lamenting that their friend no longer loves them as a friend; the friend’s view of love has changed, they love them romantically, and less as a friend as a result, and the narrator’s insistence on remaining friends has highlighted this.

What’s more, I don’t think this is the first time the narrator has gone through this. Admittedly, I misheard one of the lines for years and I insist the line is “Another time was just another blow” but I’m not American so we don’t have dollars, and this is about me and my interpretation of the album so we’re in this ride together and I’m driving so lets do this. The song is very pained, you can hear it in Gerard’s voice, and there’s so little about the pain of losing a friend, especially when they wanted romance from you, that this song really speaks to.

What really gets me though is how the narrator is clearly still struggling with being aroace too. Let’s consider the line “Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading”. The narrator clearly isn’t at ease with their identity yet; maybe they wish they could keep their friend, but their placing their boundaries down, even though its costing a friend. These boundaries are important, and its important for our friends to respect them too. And listening to, and singing along to, this song really makes me proud for the narrator in a sort of self-love kind of way when you couldn’t love yourself.

Final matter on this song: the narrator still thinks of them as a friend, which is tearing the narrator apart. Yes, the line “Don’t ever think I’ll make you try to stay” might make you think differently, but I believe that’s the narrator setting their boundaries; they’re not going to become an item just to please their friend and make them stay. Instead lets look at “Better get out while you can”. The narrator sees that their different views on the relationship is incompatible, and suggests they ‘fall out’ before their friend gets too caught up, and the rejection pains them both even more.

Now for House of Wolves. Not a long to say on this one, but I see it as being about media and ace exclusionists. See, the song flips between another character seeing the narrator as an angel and as a sinner simultaneously; just as how the media depicts asexual/aromatic/aroace people as non-human, that our sexuality (or lack thereof) makes us incomplete (the sinner aspect), while exclusionists say that we must be loved by the same media (and by religion too) for being aspec (the angel aspect). The song flip flops between them very rapidly, a state of confusion that felt very poignant for me when I was questioning in the height of the ace discourse.

Okay Mama is just here not for interpretation but because my English teacher once told us to analyse songs for her to mark as revision for exams and she loves long songs and kept making us analyse them so I analysed Mama and handed that in and got an A*. So Mama said AroAce rights that day.

Disenchanted is another strange one, filled with lines that mean more to aroace interpretation than the song itself. It spoke to me most when I was on my year out, having failed to get into uni despite good grades, still struggling with coming to terms with being aromantic, and dealing with severe anxiety. All in all, it was a year of disenchantment. It’s a good song. So what about an aroace interpretation?

The main thing about the song seems to be pretending to be someone you’re not. And really, when talking with family who expect you to be allo, how can you be anything but? I was told in this time that ‘Girls only go to university to find a husband’, which is many levels of wrong, but that thought always sticks in my head with this song. Moreover, I always think of break up songs with the line “You’re just a sad song, with nothing to say”, because they ARE just sad songs with nothing to say; and yet we’re expected to love them, because it’s a universal experience. There’s never been nothing to them.

But really, the line “I spent my high school career spit on and shoved to agree, so I can watch all my heroes sell a car on TV” is what really spoke to me. You spend school years being told that these people are sexy, you’ll want romance one day, and you have to agree or we’ll bully you mercilessly for it. The kids at school knew who was aroace before they knew what aroace meant. And we grow up watching heroes we relate to on TV, the fantastic loners who don’t need a significant other, only for fandom and the shows themselves to pair them up, make them “sell cars on tv” and sell out what made them special to us. And it hurts. And this song reflects that so well. In this song, the narrator is reflecting back on the years lost by hating themselves, slowly coming to terms with being aroace.

And finally, Famous Last Words. This is the real tipping point where the narrator feels comfortable with themselves, and finally confronts the friend from ‘I Don’t Love You’. The song is sung by one person, yes, but it feels like a dialogue between the friend, who still wants to hold a romantic relationship with the narrator, and the narrator who’s finally had enough. The introduction is from the friend, their thoughts on the narrator and how they know that they’re not going to win, but maybe they can make them feel bad for it “But where’s your heart?”, the friend is accusing the narrator of being heartless for being aromantic. But here’s the thing:

The narrator’s accepted who they are. “Well is it hard understanding? I’m incomplete.” The narrator accepts that they’re aroace, that to the friend, they are different, they don’t experience romance. The pain that they felt in the first few songs, of being the living dead and disappearing, makes them feel incomplete still, but they’re finally secure with being aroace enough to declare that, while they aren’t fully there yet, “I am not afraid to walk this world alone.” The narrator knows who they are, and they’re no longer afraid of it. Even when the friend tries to backpedal “Honey if you stay I’ll be forgiving” the narrator knows that the friend isn’t worth the pain anymore “Nothing you can say can stop me going home.”

That’s also why the lines about ‘love’ in this song are so important too. “A love that’s so demanding I can’t speak” “A love that’s so demanding, I get weak”. The narrator is explaining that, for them, romance is demanding; it’s not easy, and it’s not worth it for them, it’ll tire them out. The first quote can also speak of their friendship now; it’s so demanding, the narrator feels that if they stay, they may not be able to speak up for themselves any more. They have to friend break up, for both of their wellbeings.

And finally, the last verses “Awake and unafraid, asleep or dead” is the final attempt at kicking the narrator, harking back to “the famous living dead”. But the narrator refutes it by insisting that they’re not afraid to be alone anymore. And the song ends with the narrator winning, leaving the friend for good, for a better life.

 And that’s the aroace interpretation of Black Parade.

And it’s 2200 words long fuck

[kerice]

Painful Memories...

I came across some old photos. Some of my wedding. I can look at these pictures now with less emotion. There is sadness but I really can’t identify with that person in the photo anymore. Does this mean I have detached myself? I remember being there. Have I healed from the wounds that are still painful to mention? This day, more than 17 years ago, was a start of a major trial in my life. Having the courage to work through the pain of recovery has helped give me the drive and tenacity to overcome financial debt and to succeed in school. 

My academic journey started back in 1996, academic achievement did not come easy to me in high school, but I wanted to get a good job, so a few years after high school I started classes at Seattle Central College, in Seattle Washington. I then had a child at age 25 and I became a single mom. I am always inspired by women who say that without hesitation, trepidation or feeling less than women who have a partner. When my son was about three years old, I transferred to Bellevue College. They had a work study program where I could work at the school daycare (where my son was) and also work on my career goals, while having my son close. Due to the early birth of my second son on Nov. 27th, I was unable to finish my last two weeks of course work in the fall of 2003. As a result, I received a failed grade in my personal enrichment courses of French 201 and Algebra II. However my GPA for my science classes were within the range they needed to be. But, even so, I had to quit my job and dropped out of college since my son was born two weeks before the final exams. 

On the day of the wedding, It was a beautiful, warm day in September 2004, I remember, the kids were dancing and laughing, the lakeside property was gorgeous. I remember my family and friends being around me, it felt like a different life. I don’t like going back in my thoughts. The pain of those memories has become less as time’s gone on. To go from such a happy day celebrating with the person I wanted to live my life with to days later, almost losing my life to this person. This is a story, no one wants to tell. Four days after my wedding, I was a victim of a road rage incident, where I was physically assaulted and (along with my infant son) nearly killed. My husband of four days was charged with reckless endangerment and assault and then arrested. A passerby had seen the incident and called 911. I still can’t believe this happened to me. He never apologized for what he had put us through, we never saw him again except at a distance. I then started therapy for the physical pain that was inflicted on me, the emotional pain would be a much longer process of healing.

When you go through the family court system and testify in front of everyone, what you go through, it is very difficult. After the shock wears off, the shame sets in, it’s hard to talk about. They (the court advocates) encourage you to talk, saying that it saves lives. I felt lost and defeated. I was forced to go through court ordered therapy, which I knew, any invasive findings would be broadcast in court. I had to acknowledge other incidences of abuse that led up to the escalation to the road rage. I was faced with the reality of my own denial of what was happening to me. The excuses I would make to myself. He was just stressed out. Maybe it was a psychotic break? I couldn’t be objective or logical enough to begin to imagine why someone would do such things to a person they profess to love. I didn’t want a stomach ulcer on top of everything else. I was able to get a pro bono attorney for the first trial.  But after my ex-husband went to domestic violence treatment, there was a new trial. This was because, where there is “abusive use of conflict,” the courts don’t allow mediation to settle parenting plans. This put me in financial peril, and I have struggled financially  ever since. 

It’s been many years since the assault and arrest. I was vilified and blamed for what caused our separation to our community and friends. According to his account, it was all an exaggeration, a misunderstanding. I heard him say in court that I was crazy, emotionally unbalanced. Especially during the child custody proceedings. I was so afraid of him and what he would do to me. I couldn’t even comprehend fully what he was doing, who he even was. Was he my enemy now? He blamed me for getting him arrested, even though I had not been the one who called the police, but an anonymous stranger did! I felt alone, scared, traumatized. I hated having to go through the court hearings and hear the venomous words coming from him and his attorney. It made me feel crazy, out of my mind. I had to get away, I saw him everywhere, I was always looking over my shoulder. Sudden movements would make me jump. Flashes of the trauma would enter my mind. While driving my car, when I would see brake lights I would tense up and my heart would skip a beat. How could I even co-parent with this person? My Post Traumatic Stress was keeping me from moving beyond what happened to me, keeping me from moving forward. But I knew I had to somehow keep it together and be strong for my children. 

After the divorce, I was given permission to move out of state. In 2007, my brother, who lived in Northern Kentucky, offered me a job. Because of this, I was able to move out of state with my children. I am so grateful to my brother for his help in this transition. During this time, my father had entered retirement from the military out on the west coast. He and my mother were planning on moving to Cincinnati to help my brother with his business. The timing of the move was good since we would be able to have the support of my family, during this time of healing and transition. Upon my move, my ex was continuing to file motions at the Seattle court house. I had to hire an attorney, from out of state, to represent me and to respond to every motion filed. Within 5 years, he filed 12 motions that were all dismissed for lack of credibility. Even though he was ordered to pay my attorney’s fees, these orders were not enforced, therefore leading me to incur much debt over the years. With the two divorce trials costing $40,000 and the additional $10,000, my finances were in trouble. I had to ask my parents for help with these huge costs. Two years after the divorce, he stopped paying child support and my daycare costs exceeded $6,000. I had to ask my parents for help with the kids, which allowed me to work more hours to pay my debts. I have been used to working two or sometimes three jobs to get a handle on my finances. In 2015 I was able to receive vocational training so I could earn more per hour. 

I am a single parent living in the Cincinnati area for almost 14 years now. After much healing and hard work, I am anxious to continue my academic career goals. I am the proud parent of two well-adjusted young adults and I’ve had much experience juggling work, school and parenting. I also became the caretaker of my grandmother the last year of her life. In which I moved her into my home with my two children. During this time, as I partnered with the hospice care staff, I assisted in many nursing responsibilities. Reflecting back on this now, I feel that nursing is the field I belong in. During my time in Cosmetology school, I took on another caretaking job. I did this while managing my other full-time job. Then in 2018, I enrolled in an accelerated program at the Cincinnati School of Medical Massage. Where we had rigorous course work in A&P and Pathology. I also became a personal care assistant in 2018. I also currently work as a licensed Cosmetologist and LMT, as well as an STNA. 

I am happy to say that my domestic partner and fiancé is supportive of my desire to finish my nursing education. Over time I had developed a tougher exterior, not able to readily identify with my feelings. I was so guarded, out of necessity. An armor of survival. I find it more difficult to make friends, especially deep friendships that take invested time and effort. Letting people in feels too high of a risk at times, as the emotional scars surface. Where I attended massage school, they taught us what it means to be “semi-permeable.” The idea of boundary lines that define your personal space and the space for the client. If you are too closed off, then you won’t be able to tune into anyone else’s needs. This was a wonderful exercise for me in many ways. It’s helped me in my relationship with my children as well. In the past, I’ve heard awful comments directed towards me, anywhere from saying that I am a bad mother, to questions like, why didn’t I just get an abortion. Being on the other end of the parenthood journey, with my kids entering the adult world, I would say it was worth the pain, the struggle. We persevered, we are all tough as nails, I can see it from the work ethic my kids have. Even in the most ideal circumstances, children can still have issues. But seeing the love for me in their eyes is very moving. Watching them run around, playing and laughing is like watching my heart dancing outside of me. I wish that some things had been different for them. But through the struggle, we established a strong bond, which I believe will last for years to come. I don’t know who made this quote but it sums up so much. “A son makes love stronger, days shorter, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten and the future worth living for.” 

This trial has taught me to not be too quick to dismiss the notion that real love does heal our wounds. In my younger years I would have thought of that notion too trite. Having my children with me in my life has given me profound purpose and meaning. As small children, they looked to me as their constant, their calming force. They were my purpose for staying strong, stoic, steady. When they were little and even now, I give them my continued support. Also, it took me years of being single to allow myself to fall in love again. I feel thankful to my family and to my God that I have another chance at a lifetime partnership. So much healing has taken place but the memories in the emotions are still there. The muscle memories within the physical scars, are still there.

I see what those court advocate where talking about, all those years ago. I have come through the pain of a trial that allows me to empathize with the profound pain of others. Sharing my pain can save lives, or at least meeting others at their depths, so they feel less alone. Not that I have the answers, only the experience in the struggle to survive. I believe now, as a nurse (or soon to be) I can come along side someone and show them I understand what it’s like to be in pain. I can better understand where they’re at because of what I’ve been through. Not everyone is ready to hear a story like mine. A lot of times i get the, “ wide eyed, gaping mouth” reaction. But sometimes I meet someone who says, that it was what they needed to hear. It gives them the courage to set out on their own journey of survival. To start fresh, to start over if that’s what is necessary to start the healing process. As a massage therapist I deal with people and their physical pain all the time. I build care plans around strategies to begin the healing process. Many times, the physical pain is locked up with emotional pain underneath. I understand this, as I am there with them, letting them cry through their trauma. It’s a process that I feel privileged using my skills and abilities to aid in the healing.

[hotchley]

hey sumayyah! i saw your sign!! I'm writing the JJ & Emily parts of the really out of the blue and shitty mini-whatever it is 💀 and hopefully I'll figure out how to shorten it or something lmaoo

but i wanted to come here and talk for awhile i guess

it's like, 2am where i am right now and I'm just so drained mentally like idk i can't seem to focus on getting all my work done (school work) and i just submitted a fake corrupted file to pass off as my homework because i haven't been able to finish it (it's not graded or anything it's just 2 biology practice papers for revision for the upcoming exam but they're really long & biology is not my strong subject......)

like I'm 60-70% done on both papers and yeah i feel so bad for doing what i did and i am still planning on finishing those 2 papers (both as legitimate practice/revision & just in case my teachers do check and decide to ask me to resubmit/send them the file through another channel) and idk i obviously can't really talk to any one in school about this so i came here.... sorry for this bout of negativity i just feel so drained inside and it's not even the first time.... I'm on my break right now (mid years break) but my break is ending in roughly 4-5 more days? and I've felt unmotivated and horrible throughout the entire break idk :/ idk if this is just burn out or something else.... I've been planning on finding a therapist/professional to talk to? but 1. i can't exactly do it "openly" because i come from a rather conservative family and mental health issues (& sexuality etc) aren't things we talk about in my family.... and 2. I'm still a full-time student & I'm not sure of what services are available + the costs and all the other concerns? so like idk I'm not even sure where to start :(

and because I've been feeling like cr*p most of the time the last 3 weeks, I've done absolutely nothing & so i have TONS of school assignments piled up (those that were due during the break I've finished (somehow lmao) and submitted, but those that are due AFTER the break when school reopens.... i have completely not touched) & the worst thing is I'm not even entirely sure what's my entire workload.... so i definitely have to start seriously getting my work done from tomorrow (technically today) onwards.... but like i genuinely have a hard time focusing on work and I'm not sure if it's just my issues with procrastination or if i have a genuine illness or something and i don't want to self diagnose so I've been trying to not think about this but lately it's been so hard because i can't even finish my work on time and exams are coming and it's just really affecting me? and it's getting worse? i don't even have anyone i can truly talk to about this irl too and SKDJSKSNS idk 😭😭

i am SO SORRY for all the negativity!!!!! i just felt so alone and really had to vent somewhere i am so sorry, feel free to delete this ask if you're uncomfortable 🥺

i hope you're having a much better day/night and i love you ❤️ your blog (& cm Tumblr) is really giving me hope & keeping me alive, if i can put it that way 🥺♥️♥️ thank you for being you, and thank you for simply existing. I'm sorry things got so depressing all of a sudden lmao I'll be fine (eventually, probably)

- 🌙

I feel like my answer got long, so I put it under the cut :)

YAY!

Also, I did see this when you initially sent it, but I'm working on boundaries and priorities, which is why I didn't answer it then- I just needed a break <3

Look, you're learning during a pandemic that has disrupted everything and caused a lot of pain and stress. One corrupted file does not make you a bad student. You're still going to try.

There were so many days during lockdown where I just... didn't submit any work, and then I would submit it later saying the thing broke- which seemed believable because the thing we used never functioned properly.

And we cannot be happy or perfect all the time. Sometimes we need to share our problems. I have always said you can talk to me, it just may take me a few days depending on my own situation, and I stand by that.

Sometimes breaks just make us more miserable. Sometimes it is just genuinely a phase that you will snap out of. Sometimes it isn't. Either way, you need to let yourself feel this. Don't try and bury it. That'll be worse.

So when it comes to therapists, if you've been thinking of seeing one, go for it. Chances are, it'll help.

I get what you mean. I don't know what it's like where you are, but in England, everyone over 16 has control over the medical stuff. That basically means your parents cannot be told what you're doing, and you can do things without their knowledge. If I wanted to make an appointment, I wouldn't need to tell them I was making it, or what was discussed. Neither can the doctors.

I asked one of my friends (I have consent to share this), and she said that she went through the BetterHelp website, and that it's really helping her. Now I know BetterHelp had some real serious problems, so I would be cautious, but that is one option. Hers is between £50-£60 a session, but there were cheaper options.

You could also go through your school!! My school has what is called a "well-being practitioner" who you can just go and see when you're feeling down, and it all remains confidential UNLESS they think intervention is needed. So you could see if there are any sessions they do, or if there's any help you can get from them :)

I have seen SO, SO many teachers on TikTok recently say two things: ask them for help if you need it, and they will give it, and just do something. I don't know what you're teachers are like, but they're probably stressed and burnt out too. If you need an extension or a break or help, they'll do their best.

And if you can't do everything, then just do one thing. Do your favourite subject, or the easiest thing. I know people say do the hardest thing first because then everything gets easier, but the one time I did that, I started crying and I gave up for a good three days so...

If you've done extensive research, then maybe it is something, and if you think that there is that, then you should try and get tested <3 and it's okay if there really is nothing. Sometimes brains are weird

You don't ever have to apologise for being human <3 Remember how I mentioned crying for twenty minutes to my history teacher? I said the same thing to him: that I feel bad talking about these things because everyone has their own problems. His response was: well yes, but there are so many people that want to help you. And they would tell you if you were being a burden.

You need to trust that. And it's hard. It's painful. It's difficult. But I promise you, telling someone will always be better than bottling it up- and this comes from the person that was pissed for six weeks because I got a phone call home from someone higher up because previously mentioned history teacher told them that I was not doing great

I love you too!!

And sometimes life gets you down! That's okay! Things will get better! Maybe this isn't healthy, but my thing is: things will work out, and things will get better because they need to, and I refuse to believe I am living a life where they won't.

You will be fine! I have every faith in you!!

[thesealfriend]

*puts on Serious Game Dev Hat"

This one might get really rambly so it's going under a read more. Main topics are Games, Crunch and University.

(For folk seeing this who are curious but completely divorced from the games world, because even though it's in the news a lot lately it's hardly the universal topic people think it is, Crunch is the term for when creative studios, in this particular case games studios, overwork their employees by "incentivising" them to work longer hours or produce more content for little to no compensation, usually towards the end of a development cycle when deadlines are looming. I put "incentivising" in quotes because a lot of companies say they don't force workers to crunch, it's voluntary and workers are just so passionate! But actually, taking a stand and enforcing boundaries can often come with consequences within the workplace - workers who stand up to crunch might be first for layoffs or receive bad references from employers when trying to move jobs. It's hardly as "voluntary" as they make it seem.)

Anyway, rambling already! Let's begin...

So I studied game design at uni. This is no surprise to those who know me or note my "game dev hat" tag. I don't work in the industry right now for Reasons™ but I plan to one day.

My across my degree, grades were based on about 70% coursework, 30% exams/class tests. Funnily enough, the best way to learn games is to make games. So out of that coursework, I'd say the fair majority was, if not "make a game", then at least "produce a design document"/"prototype a game"/"create a level". There was a decent amount of essay-based coursework, writing about the psychology of games or theory of play etc, as well as reports on projects, but I'd say at least half of my grade came down to some aspect of actually creating games.

And that was a lot. It's understandable for the kind of course it is, but we often found ourselves working on 2-3 games or levels in 12 weeks. Which, when you vaguely run the numbers and compare the expected output to the time, was about doable. We weren't making AAA masterpieces of course, we were working in groups of 2-4 usually to make a vertical slice prototype (all functionality of a game across a small segment of the content) or a level or two to fit a brief. But!

We were expected to put in 40 hours a week for uni, as though it were a full time job. That explicit expectation means I can try and step around trying to calculate hours in the day and subtract for travel, leisure, eating etc. I'm using the numbers we were given. So that's 40hrs total, over 12 weeks, but that's including all the time we spend

Depending on the semester we had about 12-16hrs of teaching time, sometimes plus up to 4 hours unsupervised lab time to work on class exercises, so let's call that 16 hours overall in uni. That leaves 24 hours per week, to work on usually 3 classes at a time. That's 8 hours, per class, per week. Multiply that by 12 and you get 96 hours. 96 hours in which to complete each class, assuming we spend the exact amount of time we're meant to on uni work.

Now that sounds fine, right? That's two whole Global Game Jams* for each class, and that's not including time one would spend at a jam eating, sleeping or resting. People make pretty impressive stuff at jams, so why not be able to do that over the course of 2 jams comfortably?

(*for the uninitiated, GGJ is an annual event where game developers (including designers, programmers, artists and musicians etc) cram into a room for 48hrs straight, get given a surprise theme and make a game out of it. It's entirely for fun and I love them. Also some jam sites give you free pizza.)

Well, the thing is, I've led you all down a bit of a rabbit hole going purely by the numbers. I've not gotten into the nature of some of the work, and the overall system, which makes a difference. See, unis want to teach us good time management, and they want to actually steer us away from crunch. I've been verbally told many times that Crunch Is Bad And We Shouldn't Let It Happen. So they build in systems like interim reports, and enforced team meetings with minutes taken and then rating your team members' performance, appointments with tutors throughout the year for bigger stuff. These are all meant to ensure that you're working on projects at the "right rate" and keeping up with deadlines. And honestly? For some of the less game-specific coursework (psychology projects, essays on theory of design etc) this works fairly well. Universities have been structuring courses the same way for decades, why change it now?

But the thing is, game development is game development whether you're in the "controlled environment" of a university or the Real World™ of the games industry. Quite frankly put, shit happens. And this goes for all university courses, not just games. You get the usual tech issues ("my computer broke and I'm having to do this work at the library/elsewhere on campus", "my internet is down and I can't collaborate with my group" etc etc) as well as the personal life interruptions, both of which are highly tied to class and that's a whole other essay ramble. You also just get that one person who assigns themself task XYZ then never does it, which you could have managed to do yourself if you'd known they weren't going to do anything, but they assured you they would! These are the things we're warned about, told to give extra time to account for, and if it's really bad most unis have some kind of "oh shit something outside my control happened" form you can fill in for extra consideration, as well as individual tutors offering extensions.

But on top of that you also get the games-specific issues.

You get that one animation that, no matter how much skill and effort you put in, you're not happy with. You get that weird code that won't compile, and nobody on StackOverflow can recreate. You get the creative block. My god, the creative block. And then, you get the last minute changes to the brief or structure, or if you're unlucky enough to be working for a real world client, you get *weekly* changes to the brief or structure. You get the fact that the software you've been given doesn't fit what you've been told to do. You get the natural period of downtime because you've worked on your character model, and you're waiting for another group member to finish an animation and there's bugger all you can do in the lull. Most of these are just, things that happen, and we're expected to work around them because they happen in the real world too.

But in the Real World™, whenever "shit happens", that's when a studio, if it's a good one, can work around the issues. They hire the right people, and the right number of people for each role, knowing the kind of work that's expected, rather than just going "ok we have more programmers than artists this year so the teams will reflect that, good luck". They vet the software to ensure it meets the needs of the employees and their tasks. They have producers to keep on top of the brief, and liase with clients to make sure everyone knows what they're going to be doing ahead of time and throughout. And on top of all that, they remove the time pressure. They set goals, that "we'd like to have XYZ done in 6 weeks, and a beta released in the coming months" but they don't expect the workers to perform miracles.

But universities can't, or won't, do that. At the end of it all, the end of the semester is approaching and you've been putting your best work in all term, but there's 2 weeks to go and so much left to do if you want to submit something you're happy to be graded on. You could ask for an extension, but if everyone who was in that situation did so there just wouldn't be deadlines. You could just push ahead at normal pace, and submit what you have and hope for the best, but then you're risking failing the class and having it all be for nothing. And some people will do either of these things + they'll sacrifice a grade and do a resit in order to give themselves more time to finish another concurrent project, or they'll glean a few days' extension for a very specific issue, but for a lot of folk, you do what feels natural when deadlines loom and you're behind. You crunch.

And much like industry, uni society encourages crunch implicitly, even though it explicitly shames it. The tutor tells you, "last year's students managed this project in the same length of time!" but they don't mention how all of them probably crunched too. They blame your time management, not realising that if 75% of the class are having to work around this then the issue probably isn't with individuals' time management. The students talk among themselves about who got the least sleep over the last two weeks of term, and it's a badge of honour (again, not necessarily game dev-specific, but there's definitely an enhanced culture of it there) and who put in 8hr shifts after uni to crush the bugs.

And we're taught about passion. One of my tutors, who is the most Explicitly Anti-Crunch man I know, was also the first one who told me that "If you aren't working on other stuff in your personal time you can't expect to get a job easily". He didn't say it in a positive way, but he knew it was the case and didn't encourage us to fight it. And sure, if game dev is something you enjoy as a hobby that will stand you in good stead. But if every student or young dev is told they have to go "above and beyond" to succeed, then that shifts the bar for what "above and beyond" means. Exactly the same as companies "incentivising" 60 hour weeks, so that everyone works 60 hours to prove they're passionate, and then 80 hours is above and beyond.

And you know the worst part about all this? From a purely productive standpoint, it works. For every class I got a good grade in, I'd crunched. And sure, I'd have probably just about passed most of them if I hadn't, but crunch in my case (and other folk I've spoken to) isn't the difference between an A and a B in games courses, it's the difference between an A and a D. Because sure, I'd submit 80% of the work, but without that final 20% tying it together that 80% of the work might make up 40-50% of the grade requirements. It's a very all-or-nothing discipline, except you can't physically do "all" because if you satisfy all the grade requirements, you get 80-90% because "there's always something more you could add to make it better". Which is also a whole other rant.

Anyway, my point with all of this is that, despite how it seems, studying game design at uni sets prospective employees up for crunch. The magnitude is lower, but the attitude is there. They know that they've done it before, that if they can just pull through a couple of weeks doing double time, they'll get it out the way. And so far, that has worked for them, because deadlines rarely do move. But in industry, they work their two weeks double time only for the worst of the studios to say "actually we see you working hard but also we're not gonna make it, you've got another month". And then they have to pull that time for another month. And maybe again after that. As a student, that kind of extension happened to me once - my 3D coursework was meant to be due before the Christmas break, and with 2 weeks to go, the lecturer announced we had til the start of the exam period (mid-January). But because we had that extra time, he expected the quality to reflect it. We weren't getting extra time so we could do the same amount of work without crunching - we were getting it so we could do more work. Again, the exact same pattern we see in industry right now.

So what's the solution? Honestly, I don't have one. Reviewing workload for students in creative subjects is a sticking plaster, and removing time pressure from coursework would require an overhaul of the system that I can't see coming any time soon. Acknowledgement of the problem is the best we can do for now. If you or someone you know is in or studying for an industry prone to this kind of behaviour, talk about it. Push the idea that the institution is flawed, and that whatever kind of unhealthy habits people pick up while studying don't have to become their life.

Look after each other. Peace out!

[shockpop]

important changes to canon !

after some heavy consideration ,   i’ve decided that the only family denki has from this point on is his MOM ,  KAMINARI NARIKO .    the rest of canon will be the same in that nariko adopted denki from her older brother at a young age ,   works as a nurse at hosu hospital ,   and is very close to her son . 

the decision to cut out the other 2 family members mostly comes from me thinking long and hard about what’s been shown of denki in canon ,   from manga to anime to the first movie and light novels   ---   and honestly ,   i think that being the child of a single parent reflects in a lot of his characteristics !    

not so much the assumed maturity aspect of it ,    but like ,   the role he plays as someone who evens out his class   /   brings people together   /   instigates social interaction can be interpreted as a way of taking initiative when he sees a job that he thinks needs to be completed ,   i . e .  bringing up the general morale or making sure everyone’s emotional needs are accounted for  (   as we’ve seen from his extreme concern   /   empathy for others and how his strong intuition can’t be quelled until he gets to the bottom of something  ) .    

other examples of some typical single - parent - raised characteristics that denki exemplifies in interactions with his friends  : a.     showing an immediate concern for their well - being  (   worrying about kirishima’s grades during the red riot arc ,   about jirou when she initially rejected the attention given to her about her talent and when she was feeling self - conscious around yaoyorozu’s mom ,   and about bakugou and kirishima when they diverged from the class at the license exams  ) 

b.     feeling the need to validate them ,   at times without cause  (   reassuring shinsou that his efforts to become a hero weren’t being made in vain ,   compliment yaoyorozu on her creative  decision - making abilities  ;  tsuyu for the same reason ,   and praising bakugou for his multiple talents ,   even over something as simple as winning an arcade game  )  

c.     encouraging honesty   /   communication   /   overall togetherness  (   implied offscreen time between him and bakugou shows that bakugou has educated denki on the functionality of his grenades and the fact that his parents forced him to take music classes as a kid ,   which means denki bugged him enough to do so but with the intent of building upon their friendship   /   getting bakugou to open up a little more  ) 

denki is also someone who seems to have no problem involving himself in a lot of decision - making scenarios amongst the class ,   eagerly giving his opinions as he might be used to doing so in a single - parent environment   (   having a say in household issues  ) .    

also ,   in the few times they’ve been paired off into groups for mission training ,   denki is usually the one assuming responsibility for the group’s actions ,   or being the one to at least cook up some sort of plan moving forward    ---    perhaps only neglecting to do so in the most recent event of class a  vs .  class b because he’s realized that his plans tend to not be the most thought out .    still ,   the natural mindset to take on some role of leadership could be derived from being entrusted by the parent to take on difficult tasks   /   be expected to pull his weight from a young age .

his fluidity with his social circles and readiness to hang out at any point could also come from being used to having a lot of time in his schedule due to the absence of the working parent ,   even if his current schedule isn’t actually all that clear  (   he’s not doing his schoolwork  /  studying properly ,   so he could be avoiding it to resume a life of no real responsibilities ,   especially if he feels the need to refamiliarize himself with the lifestyle to feel like he’s still a kid in the current climate of his hero career   ) .    

in the same breath ,   though ,   you could draw two other reasons for that   :   that the reason he struggles so much with laziness   /   a lack of time management to begin with  (   besides just being a common symptom of adhd  )  stems from the absence of one - on - one time with the parent who worked a lot ,   resulting in the lack discipline  ;  there might not have been someone there to encourage him to stay focused and make sure he stays on top of his studies instead of goofing around when he came home after school .

or ,   similar to the first reason in that it’s more of a personal choice ,   consider that denki is a generally well - behaved person .    outside of his exclamations and the occasional bad habits  (   falling asleep in class  ) ,   he follows the rules   /   what’s been asked of him and keeps himself in line ,   almost to a fault .    if raised by a single parent ,   denki might’ve been given a lot of rules to mind when his mom was out ,   or chores to do to ,   again ,   help out around the house and whatnot .    his mom was far from strict ,   but being the only parent puts her in the role of being both the “fun parent” and the “disciplinarian”   ;   denki may have started slacking off on schoolwork ,   the thing she was the least on top of in their daily lives ,   to feel like he had some semblance of control over something from a young age ,   similar to the entire concept of treat yo self or getting a new piercing   /   tattoo when things in your life seem like they’re getting too out of hand  (   which he also ends up doing as an adult ,   coincidentally  ) .

lastly ,   on the less fun side of things ,    denki also exhibits some poor behavior  (   being something of a perv ,   disrespect for personal boundaries ,   mild sexism  )   that could also all stem from not getting in enough of that one - on - one time in the more crucial years of his development to understand why it’s not appropriate .   these behaviors are possibly learned  from other friends in middle school ,  who he’d spent a lot of time with in reiterating the fact that he could have had a very open schedule and tons of freetime to fill with friends if his mom wasn’t around much .    

(  and he’s not beyond saving ,  of course   ;   these are just traits of his that i’d rather someone actually teach him about ,   explaining to him why they’re wrong ,   rather than just ,   like ,   write those traits out completely and let him get away scotch free .  )

OVERALL ,   there’re some other things too that play more off of my personal portrayal of him    ----    like a disregard of gender roles ,   and that kind of thing    ----    but that’s kind of a conversation for another day .    my main point of this whole thing is that ,   while denki not be the most transparent candidate for being raised by a single mother ,   it’s definitely a conclusion that can be drawn upon from all that we know of him thus far !    so i’ll be taking that route and playing his canon out according to all of this from this point on .    

the story will remain that his mom is a single woman who still works a ton at the hospital  (   the canon one where all the kids are usually admitted to ,   in fact !    which could bring up some good plot points  )   and that denki visits her when he can on days off .    they’re still really close ,   but he may feel the need to keep some updates from her that might worry her ,   or things that he’s kind of ashamed of ,  as he’s grown to doubt himself a little more without her being around .

[salem-saint]

hi team! my name’s maddie, and i’m in scotland in the gmt timezone, so i’ll generally be online at different hours to the majority of the group because of it lmao! salem’s full bio is here, but i’ve also put it under the cut for anyone that’s mobile. i’m super excited to start plotting with everyone - i’m dashing out to work pretty soon but i’ll be reading everyone’s bios and sending out some messages either late tonight or first thing tomorrow :) and obv feel free to message me if you have any ideas! my discord is maddie#5000, i’ll add ppl there as it’s generally a faster way to reach me than on tumblr

xxx

Wesley St. Ives was one of the most well-renowned senators from New York State. His reputation was perfect, barring one thing: his son. Salem was born troublesome. As a newborn he screamed relentlessly, and more often than not Wesley would have the nanny take Salem out for long drives at night just so he could get some rest. It quickly developed into less of a relationship between son and parents, and more of an acknowledgement of existence. At mealtimes he was picky and threw tantrums when he didn’t want to eat his vegetables, so the nanny was instructed to take Salem for mealtimes elsewhere. At work functions, Salem would be rude to the people Wesley most needed to impress, embarrassing the family.

They thought they might have some peace when Salem was old enough to be enrolled in kindergarten. Being a senator’s son, he was sent to the finest private kindergarten in New York, only to be turned out months later for causing too much trouble. He constantly disrupted naptime, refused to eat the snacks that were prepared for them, drew frightening things during fingerpainting time, and insulted the teacher as imaginatively as his five year old mind would allow for.

Despairing of their son, the St. Ives’ sent their only child to a less elite school in the quieter suburb of Manhasset. He wasn’t removed from this one, but they still got far more calls home than they would have liked. Salem had learned quickly that his parents both had such busy schedules - when they weren’t working, they were attending social functions necessary to further their careers. The only way he could reliably get their attention, was by acting out. His parents might be furious when they had to sit in the principal’s office listening to his latest misdemeanours, but at least they were there.

As he got older, his anger grew more into apathy. If his parents weren’t going to make the effort, why should he bother? He became withdrawn, rarely acting out in class except to make snarky comments when called upon by the teacher. Making friends was difficult for him, because he was embarrassed to invite people home. His family was ridiculously wealthy, and he didn’t want anyone to see that. He didn’t want anyone to see how his nanny, Armelle, was more of a mother to him than his own biological mother ever had been. He rejected the lifestyle his parents laid out for him, because it had never done him an ounce of good. They bought him expensive designer clothes, and he shrugged them off in favour of beat up bomber jackets and jeans with holes through the knees that he’d bought in thrift stores. He was no longer rebelling to get his parents’ attention, he was simply rejecting what felt like a predetermined life. He didn’t want to follow his father into politics, and that was where the two most often butted heads. He forced Salem to join the debate team at school, where he excelled when he tried - though more often than not he threw the debate by making irreverent jokes.

He was a lonely, angry child, and the first time he really remembers laughing in school was when The Jokester got moved next to him. Salem couldn’t even tell you what joke they made that so tickled him, but he did remember looking up with bright surprise in his eyes, grinning. They were the first person Salem ever invited back to his house - and god, did they laugh about it. Salem, in his punky little leather jacket, was the son of a high flying politician? There was too much material for them to not tease him about it, but somehow he didn’t mind. It didn’t feel like they were laughing at him, as much as with him. He settled with ease into a friendship with them, and the Punching Bag followed shortly after. More often than not, the Punching Bag was the butt of Salem and the Jokester’s humour, and sometimes Salem felt bad about that. But in the end, the whole thing was too cathartic for him to give up. If the Punching Bag ever thought they’d taken things too far, Salem was sure they’d speak up.

Or maybe he just said that to appease his guilt, because it did weigh heavily on him.

It felt like such an unlikely group of friends into which he fell, during the years of his schooling. Some of them were people he would never have looked at twice, but somehow they formed a happy little group. Salem, for his part, was more happy on the outskirts, drawling out sarcastic comments. He liked that it made people laugh. They didn’t think he was a waste of potential like his father did, they thought he was funny. Maybe he’d have spoken up more with the squad, but in many ways he felt almost shy around them. He actually cared what they thought, and he didn’t want to spoil his reputation as a funny guy, the one with the pithy remarks. Of course, he lost himself so much in that image that he often crossed boundaries. He said things that were too mean, things friends shouldn't say to each other. It meant more to him than he would ever say that they forgave him anyway.

The Squad made home life easier to deal with. He saw his parents less and less over the years, sometimes barely even aware of what country they might be in. He was left alone with Armelle for the most part, which suited him fine. She was only fifteen years older than him, an au pair practising her English in the States. It was only supposed to be for a year, but in the end she enjoyed her work, and the many perks the St. Ives supplied to her, enough that she stayed till Salem graduated high school.

To all appearances, Salem was a highly independent young man. But he did rely on his family for one thing: money. And his father had always threatened that if Salem didn’t keep his head on straight, he’d never see a single cent of the trust fund that was saved away for when he turned twenty one. And he hated to admit it, but that money would make a real difference. He just had to play along until his twenty first birthday. What ‘playing along’ meant, was getting good grades at school. It surprised many of his classmates, because Salem rarely participated in class, and always had a scathing attitude towards things, but after school he knew how to knuckle down. His homework was always done, even if he tossed it onto the teacher’s desk with the air of someone that couldn’t be bothered. He stayed up late studying for exams, and sometimes he even stood out. English was his favourite subject - he loved writing, particularly poetry, although his father discouraged it.

When Salem was accepted to study economics at Cornell, he wasn’t going to pretend it was because he’d really worked for it. There was no doubt in his mind that the generous donation made by his father had more to do with his acceptance than any real talent he had. Whatever the reasoning though, he had been accepted, and he was going to study a subject his father chose for him, and he was going to grudgingly carry on doing the bare minimum until he got the money. It wasn’t that he was greedy, he just wasn’t stupid - if someone says they’ll give you a small fortune for playing nice, you’ll learn to toe the line expertly.

Salem was miserable. He hated economics. He hated the other students. He stayed in touch with the squad perhaps more persistently than most would have expected of him. He’d always been teasing to the point of rudeness, raising eyebrows as well as questions of whether he really liked any of them at all. But the truth was, he’d come to depend on them in many ways, and Cornell was sapping the life out of him. He persevered for a year, surviving largely on the texts and emails he got from the members of the squad that kept in touch, and then during the summer vacation before second year he went to visit Armelle in Paris.

She’d flown back once Salem graduated high school; she’d cried, he’d pointedly told her to get a grip. It made her laugh. She’d always been the only family he really cared for, and his parents were happy enough to fork out for plane tickets to get him some culture. The trouble was, he didn’t come back. At nineteen years old, he moved in with Armelle, and sent an email to Cornell telling them that they could eat his entire ass if they thought he was coming back for one more semester at their insufferable university.

At first he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. His father cut him off entirely - no contact, no money, no home to return to. His mother tried in vain to mediate, but Salem and Wesley both preferred it this way. Salem didn’t want their money if it meant following their dreams instead of his own. Paris suited him: the people were generally rude and arrogant, the food was excellent, and the literature, exquisite. He began writing again, after having lost his passion at Cornell. It didn’t exactly pay the bills, so eventually he took up a job in a bakery so that he wouldn’t be such a burden on Armelle. Thanks to her efforts over the last nineteen years, he was more or less fluent in French, so he didn’t struggle. But he did submit his poems to several magazines, and got a few published. It brought in some money here or there.

It felt more like the life he was supposed to be leading. He woke up early, went to the bakery to stock the displays and sell as much as he could, and in the evenings he would sit outside some little cafe sipping red wine and scrawling out poems about life and love and beauty, largely spiked through with a sharp sense of nihilism and cynicism. Salem never quite lost his pessimistic streak. He stuck at it, and eventually published his own little poetry anthology, written dually in French and English, and found a moderate amount of success. Not quite enough to stop working at the bakery, but enough to keep him happy. Over the years, he lost touch with most people. He hasn’t heard from his parents in almost ten years, and barely touches base with any of the squad. He missed them, and their influence was in many of his poems, but he was worlds away. He had new friends in Paris. Now that he’d grown up Armelle was more of an older sister figure to him, and he went out to meals with his colleagues, and fell in and out of love with various people. High school was just a distant memory, until he woke up one morning to a message from The Soul.

Of course it was bad news. You don’t reach out to a friend you’ve not seen in a decade just to say ‘hi’. Despite all the years that passed, he had never forgotten how the Squad had made him feel a part of something when he’d felt like nothing more than an angry loner. He owed it to the Soul to go back and offer some support, so he dipped into his meagre savings and flew back to Manhasset as fast as he could.

In many ways, he’s still the same person they all remember him as. His sense of humour was always cutting, and the sharp French humour has done nothing to appease that. He’s still quiet, happy enough to let other people do the majority of the talking. He’s still more at ease sharing quiet, humorous glances with one person than being in a larger group. But he’s also calmer than they recall, more at peace with himself, and quicker to realise if his comments are taken the wrong way. Salem is a lover, not a fighter, but you’d never guess from the lazy drawl with which he snips at people.

[oldmancopper]

Spring 2019 and Fall 2019 Course Evaluations

No real time for fancy graphics - can’t figure out if I ever posted my Spring 2019 evaluations here, so, here’s a compilation of 2019 Evaluations:

Spring 2019

2001 

-Engaging classes, with lots of back and forth. Excellent Professor.

-When I registered for this class I really thought that it was going to be boring because I can't stand lectures, but I was so wrong. Professor Y_______ created lectures that were extremely interesting and had great value to us as game majors as well as teaching us things about how the industry works as a whole. The assignments were always very relevant to the course and I really feel like I've gotten something out of this class. Not only were the lectures interesting, but they were fun and engaging as well. I really enjoyed this class.

3900 

Professor Y_____ gave great info and advice when he taught the class. But unfortunately, his presentations were far and few in between. Instead, he more so looked over and guided the class from the background. I would love to have seen some more lectures.

3175

- I think a smaller class size would benefit all of the students more (although I know that's not up to you).

-Very nice system of having students choose topics they find important

2175 

-Great professor, class can be hard.

-Really enjoyed the class in total.

- This is honestly one of the best classes I have taken at backer. I feel like I have gained the most out of this class than any other class. W___ is awesome.

- Extremely useful course

• Overall, this is one of the best classes I have taken at B_____r thus far. Professor Y_____ is very knowledgeable in the games industry, and very clearly knows what he is talking about. As with anything, there are a couple of things that could be addressed. Although assignments are graded more quickly than most other classes, there is still the occasional assignment or two that are graded a few weeks later, and it is hard to go back that long ago and redo an assignment like that if need be. The quizzes are handled in a way that is particularly stressful. Although they are a true test of what you have learned, expecting people to get low scores and then curving up afterward turns into a waiting game afterward, which sometimes takes several weeks to figure out what your true score actually is. This brings down your overall grade for a few weeks, and provides an unneeded source of stress.

- This course went well! It's a shame that so much of the class-time was lost to Holidays or snow days. But either way the only thing I wish was included, would be more stories of the professor's personal experience. Experience is "the best teacher" as many says, and hearing the stories of someone with lots of industry-related experience would benefit the class greatly in the future.

3901

Live Studio is the reason I'm still at B____r. There is so much value in what W___ and M____ are providing us students. They preach about data-driven design, proper implementation and usage of analytics, and are happy to share their vast array of experiences as well as contacts. However, it is mostly student driven, with us making games 80% of the time during class. But they are always around to provide guidance and steer us in the correct direction. They will allow us to fail, but only so that we grow, and they make sure we understand why we failed. It is an excellent course, and I am endlessly grateful for what I've learned and the opportunities I have been provided with because of it.

W___ Y_____ is the best professor at B____r College. What he teaches goes far beyond the classroom.

-Live was a blast. I'm honestly sad I cant take it next semester.

-Live studio is an amazing interactive class that is meant for students who are serious about working in a professional environment along side other students who have a good work ethic and are willing to push their boundaries to the limit for the benefit of their future and knowledge for themselves and others. Changing the registration of the class to anything but interviews, portfolios, and references would make the quality of live decrease immensely due to the poor work ethic and lack of ability in certain student groups. Keeping the high standards of live will make sure that the work that comes out of the studio will guarantee finished products and great experiences for the working students and their portfolios for when they graduate and need to get a job in their specialized fields.

-This was an amazing class to be a part of. It really felt like I was in an internship. The atmosphere was professional, but laid back too. The professors were incredible to talk and work with. They gave great advice that has helped me connect with other people in the industry. Live is an incredible course and I look forward to working with them again next semester!

3901L

You guys gotta get better with your lectures. They're highly informative, but you guys tend to go off topic and make the lecture 30 min longer than it needs to be. I love listening to you both talk, but it really eats into our studio time sometimes.

Fall 2019

2175

• 10/10 would have rotisserie chicken at 10:30 am again.

• Despite the issues I had with completing assignments (the subject matter wasn't too difficult it was a variety of issues mainly outside of school) I enjoyed this class greatly. W___ is a great teacher arguably my favorite professor that I've had in my time at this school. I've taken a few of his class just because he makes the subject matter interesting and easy to understand.

• Highly Recommend this class to pretty much everyone in my major, as well as other game design majors. The amount of problem solving and crucial information to how to handle the real world is too good to pass up. I don't believe i've ever had a class that i've wanted more of when the final exams start coming up. Highest recommendation for this class to become mandatory to the game design major

• I hope he enjoys our Christmas present

2175

• Have not learned anything in this course. Most of his "lectures" are flooded with irrelevant anecdotes. The quality of his quizzes and tests are terrible because the answers are completely subjective. Unless you remember and catch everything he says in class, it's impossible to get a perfect score on any of his quizzes or tests because you can't find a majority of his information online. There's simply no possible way to study his material. If the tests and quizzes weren't multiple choice, I can confidently say that all of us would have failed.

• I would have liked there to be more homework assignments throughout the course that reinforce the important concepts that were tested during quizzes and exams.

• All assignments and in class conversations were geared towards game students, felt unengaging as someone who doesn't care as much about making games. We should be allowed to pitch nongame ideas for software for the future.

• Professor is great and knows what he is talking about. Would have him again.

• This is a really good course for students to learn some bits and pieces of the management side of thing in the field of game development.

• A very rewarding course experience. Much was learned from this class and it helped shape my future by helping me realize what I want to pursue in my professional career.

• This class was insanely helpful in figuring out what I would like to do with my career. Turns out, being a producer is not my thing but knowing elements of productions will absolutely help me in my career to better work with producers and project managers.

3901

This class consistently pushes me to be my best. M___ and W__push us to be goal driven individuals, there's no random acts of gamedev in this class. It feels less like a class and more of a serious project, we know what needs to be done, we know how divide up tasks, and we know the definition of done. This is the class I'm so glad I got to take, I've grown so much as a person because of it. It's insane how much I've learned from this. The lectures are so important- we learn about the business and marketing side of games, we understand concepts that most students never get to touch. I'm excited for the next version of live, it can only get better!

• Easily one of my favorite classes. I love being able to work on a professional game. I feel like I work best on small teams, so this class is perfect for me. My team was amazing to work with and we got so much done this semester. I really love getting feedback from them and the professors. The professors were especially helpful in giving me tips for working in the industry. They are just fun in general to speak with. Overall, this is one of my best classes.

[mysticnfantastic]

If requests are still open could you do another scenario with RFA + V, Saeran, and Ray? With an MC who loves cuddles but is too shy to initiate them, so she shyly asks if they can cuddle with her for a while. And I definitely loved both of the previous scenarios you wrote for me, they were both amazing.

Of course! I’m really cuddly, so I feel this on another level! Also, I am really glad you liked the previous ones I wrote for you! It makes me happy to know someone enjoys what I write.

Jumin:

In all honesty, Jumin is quite unused to physical affection, and therefore he, himself would likely have some hesitation should he be the one to initiate cuddles. He is uncertain about how he ought to show his love for you, because what he feels is so immensely passionate and he’s afraid his own passion will be portrayed wrong and it’ll push you away from him.

Because of that, he would probably be too afraid at the beginning of your relationship to actually give you any ‘cuddles’, in fear he’ll do it ‘wrong’. He will still do physical affections, like kissing you and the like, but due to his romantic inexperience, he will likely wait for you to initiate cuddles.

When you finally get the courage to ask him to just cuddle you softly and innocently, he’s so happy internally - he had wanted to do so for a long time, but was unsure if you wanted them so hearing that you do want to cuddle with him would spark joy inside his heart.

He’d be rather hesitant, the first few times, constantly making sure his hold on you isn’t painful too tight, trying to respect all and any of your boundaries.

It’s adorable, really.

He would pick up on your shyness when asking him, and finds it cute, but he’ll try and cuddle you more after that.

Yoosung:

He’s naturally cuddly, so he would be the one to ask/initiate cuddles!

However, he’s been busy trying to study for exams lately, and you were feeling untouched and unloved, and if you were to be honest, you were feeling rather needy.

It was something you weren’t used to doing, asking him to cuddle and hold you, especially since you didn’t want to seem clingy or annoying - he was busy, after all.

But as you sat on his bed as he sat on his desk, head in the books, you couldn’t help but wish he’d close the damn textbook and rest a while, preferably by holding you.

You were proud of him, of course, he had done so well in improving his academic grades, but he was overworking himself and you felt neglected.

So, gathering all the courage you could muster, you stood up and walked over to him, and suddenly hugged him from behind, pleading for him to take a break and cuddle with you.

Yoosung happily agreed, apologising profusely for not giving you enough affection lately.

Zen:

Normally, he was relatively affectionate, but he was busy with his upcoming musical and didn’t have as much time for you as he normally would.

You didn’t mind, and supported him the whole way, but you felt somewhat second to his career, hating the insecurities that caused you.

One night, when he was clearly tired, you felt the urge to tell him how you felt, but then again he seemed so tired and the last thing you wanted was for this to spark and argument..

Nonetheless, you gathered the strength and admitted your insecurities, and practically begged for him to just hold you for a while.

He did so, sleepily holding your body in his on your shared bed, whispering promises of love and adorations, and sweet nothings.

And suddenly, your doubts melted away and you fully knew you were loved

Saeyoung/Seven:

Dating Saeyoung was...difficult.

You loved him, more than anything else.

But dear gods above, it was so hard to be with him at times. He had episodes of distancing himself away from you and trying to continually push you away, deluding himself that he was bad for you.

Currently, you were going through such an episode, and it was rather painful for you, who loved Saeyoung above all else.

Usually, you knew you needed to support him, but also give him his space, but now you were getting rather fed up with constantly being pushed away, so you demanded he let you into his home, and you made a beeline straight into his bedroom, ignoring the empty cans and messy half-eaten packs of Honey Buddha Chips, as Saeyoung refused to look at you.

You were determined, but unsure and anxious what to actually do now that you were here.

Your hard shell fell apart, as your true worry shined through, tears welling up in your eyes as you begged him to stop pushing you away and just hold you already!

Your slight breakdown caused his heart to ache, as he woke up to how he had made you feel, swallowing his pride for once as he placed you into his lap, holding you close to him as you both cried, drowning the other in love.

Jaehee:

Jaehee was an immensely busy woman, and she was very unused to being overly affectionate.

She would occasionally hug and cuddle you, especially after a long day, but it wasn’t as common as you wished it would be.

Due to your past relationships, you were very insecure when it came to affection, your exes had believed you to be far too needy and clingy and as such you were far too afraid to just ask out of fear of being told you were being too annoying.

Though, you also knew Jaehee was different to your exes, and that she likely wouldn’t ever insult you in such a way.

It took you awhile to find the bravery, but you eventually demanded she finally pay some real attention to you!

She found it rather endearing, and if she was to be fully honest, she found it quite sweet too. Happily, Jaehee pulled you close to her.

V:

Jihyun himself was rather shy when it came to physical affections himself, but he would hesitantly initiate cuddles with you, often being the one to ask you if you would like to cuddle with him.

Because of this, you got used to not having to ask him to hold you, as normally he already did so without needing to be asked to.

Though, you lately noticed he was getting rather distant, and you were deeply worried and concerned, knowing that his mental problems may have been starting up once again.

You were no fool - you knew that he would get mental episodes quite often, and you would never blame him - he had been through hell and back with all that Rika had put him through.

And so, you knew that he was surely uncertain of himself, and was doubting his own person. You knew you needed to be there for him, and that was exactly what you were going to do.

When V was out in the garden of your home late at night and you woke up with him no beside you in bed, you followed him out, asking why he wasn’t in bed. You could tell he wasn’t quite himself, and it hurt you to see him suffer.

Softly you begged him to just come to bed and hold you, assuring him he was the best thing that happened to you and that your love for him was immense and endless.

Saeran:

It was only natural for you to crave your lover’s affections.

Especially when he was far too internally awkward to ask for them himself.

He would have his boosts of confidence, of course, but a lot of the time he was unintentionally (or intentionally, if he felt naughty) harsh with his portrayal of his love for you.

You liked all his attention, be it harsh or not but sometimes you just couldn’t help but crave some more...innocent types of love.

It took you quite a while to hype yourself up, but eventually you demanded that he cuddle you, letting all your frustrations out at once, only to be blushing a crimson shade of red at the realisation that you had been so uncharacteristically demanding.

Smirking, Saeran would surely find your behaviour immensely amusing, and would gladly do as you ordered him to, but not before teasing and embarrassing you to death over your outburst.

Ray:

This boy is a literal sunshine incarnate.

Out of all the boys, Ray cuddles and coddles you constantly.

So when he suddenly stops and starts to be more hesitant, you almost notice it immediately.

You were unsure what happened, maybe you did something wrong?

Not wanting to upset this little cinnabon, you would likely need a while to gather the strength to actually confront him on his sudden behaviour change, and that would be when he’d tell you that he felt annoying and clingy towards you, not wanting his passion to push you away.

Relieved that you had done nothing wrong, you laughed; and asked him, albeit shyly, to just shut up and hold you.

[franticatatlantic-blog]

Second Term: Done!

So I have finally reopened my Tumblr after 3+ months of absence. Second term was a lot more time consuming than my first one, socially and academically. From reading my last post about first term, I have definitely come a long way since then. 

I won’t sugar coat it, my second term has been long (so, so long), stressful and exhausting, physically and emotionally. The workload for the IB started to increase in preparation for the hellish third term, with IAs, end of year exams and the EE looming over us. I got even less sleep than in first term, due to a combination of lazy time management leading to late night work (and too much fun with people when I’m awake). The reality of having only a year left started to sink in, along with the fact that we will have to take the real IB. Friendships shifted along with the seasons, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. We got our hearts completely shattered saying good bye to our second years; the realisation that you won’t see some of these people for several years, or perhaps ever again, when you’re used to seeing them everyday, and of how much stuff you never said or did with your second years, is soul destroying. 

However, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

Yes, it has been a long term. But I realised that there’s no other people I’d rather spend that term with. Throughout the term I made so many new relationships with people, through project week (music production!!!) to joining new activities and councils, which made me realise it’s never too late to make new friends and find new friendship groups at UWC. Through all this I grew in confidence, to the point that I did things I never believed I could have done (wrote, recorded and released a song, became a leader for an activity, became a life guard...). I got to know my year group so much better, and over this term we grew into second years, ready to meet the standard set by our predecessors. 

I learnt how to work harder and better, to meet my deadlines and the standard expected of me so I can tackle the hell of third term head on. I started to realise my full potential, and am now more confident in being able to meet it, in and outside of the classroom. My grades improved since first term because of this, and I also learnt that your classmates can be some of your most valuable study resources. (Oh yeah, and I can now function on an impressively small and concerning amount of sleep!)

Basically I grew up this term. I finally worked out how to balance my work and social life, and how to set boundaries with myself, which is a very important life skill. I celebrated birthdays and watched people legally become adults. I complained about university whilst working on revision timetables and budgeting plans. I did some boring adult feeling things. But I’m not even close to finishing growing up. Sure, I’m grown up compared to the start of the year. But in a year I’ll reread this post and probably think “wow I was young and naive”, ‘cause that’s life.

So yeah this is a long, rambling, kind of useless post to try and make up for my absence over the year. This term has been so time consuming, and I know the next one will be even more...

Until the next time; stay frantic!