#so the fact that repeated for smiling friends with the CPR scene....

[melis-hellis]

ok but what's crazy is that for a couple months before s2e7, i had an idea for an emotional scene in a fic where charlie has to give pim CPR. zach and michael i see y'all!!!!!!!!

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Pooh Bear

Masterlist

Kal has a crush on his new babysitter and after watching her closely Henry has to now all he has to do is ask her out...Simple right?

Warnings: Swearing, Fluff, Slight Angst

Request: That’s so great! I was thinking maybe one where introvert chubby reader looks after Kal on set, when Henry’s filming. She and Kal become great friends, are always together, they cuddle, play, and nap together, etc. Henry might’ve secretly snapped a few pics of them. He’s happy that there’s someone else taking good care of his bestie.  Kal loves Henry but misses the reader when they’re back home. When they return to set, he expects her to be there for Kal but turns out she’s not working out there anymore. They thought her to be redundant and too much of a loner. This affects her because she always feels more happy around animals as she always wanted a dog but never really could afford it. Sorry for the stupidly long request…              

A/N: okay I did switch things up a little but i hope you still like it! And just so people know in england (or at least the south) 'A Salt' is another ways of saying someone is fit...basically saying he is a tasty looking man that you'd lick. And a 'nonce' is another term for idiot. Taglist: @being-worthy​ @two-unbeatable-beaters​ @thatgirly81​ @angelofthorrr @iloveyouyen​ @sofiebstar​ @thefangirlsblog​ @thatdamncutegirl

You smiled as your charge ran around happily with the kong toy pouncing and shaking his head the rubber dome slipped from his mouth and bounced unpredictably across the floor. It was a kong original that was a rubber 'bee hive' shape hollow and stuffed  full of one of those ham and cheese sandwich paste. He seemed to love it as he darted around happily pinning it every now and then trying to fish out the treat. You loved this job! It was incredible you literally got paid to snuggle walk play and snuggle with the sweetest dog you have ever met in your life...His owner wasn't to bad either...well now at least. You sighed crossing your ankles and fanned yourself at the thought of the bears dad...A bear of a man himself, or wolf should you say. Was stunning he was a salt... Definitely a salt. You watched again as Kal frantically chased the kong as it rolled out of his paws. You were the proud baby sitter of Kal Cavill probably the sweetest Akita anyone would ever find. Currently on set watching the pup bounce about trying to paw at the pesky kong flipping and rolling away threw the scatty motions. "Wow Kal-ee-bear that's some shit paw eye coordination baby boy..." you giggled as he snorted still patting at the rubber and moved laying down against your legs stuffing his snout at the wide opening still trying to devour the snack of cheese spread. you tried giving him snack enrichment each day to calm him down before delivering him back to his dad. "Oh I'm sooo sorry your majesty~" you jumped as Henry came up behind you. "And what has his royal highness up to today I wonder?" He crossed his arms across his chest. you flushed flinching and clamming up at him as he stood to the side of you both with a grin. You waved to Kal who was gruffing at the kong growing more irritated when he had to work for his treat. "He er.. Is huffy over the kong....He couldn’t catch it and now he has, he has to work for his cheese" Henry laughed out loud at that plopping down beside you. You flushed, you admit at first things had been rocky between you and Henry. But now he seemed to hover a lot more he wont just come and whisk Kal away at the end of his scenes he'd stay and try to chat...He for some reason wanted to get to know you. You'd been confused unsure what to make of the hunk trying to get to know you. You’d been frightened and withdrawn but he didn’t give up he spent a lot of time just sitting with you talking about his day. He didn't seem to mind you were quiet in fact he seemed to like having someone to listen to him. You sighed wistfully realizing you'd let your shyness let this chance pass you by. You'd had so many chances to talk to him properly to admit your feelings to him but you hadn't your shy personality pulled you back. Today was your final day here sitting with Kal and you were devastated you'd come to have feelings for the big bear...and his owner more then you should have...More than you cared to admit. It was silly but you'd harbored a crush on the man and for a few months and had been debating on how to show but it was hard for someone like you...To introverted for your own good...Not that you'd ever be able to open up much to people. Animals on the other hand were completely different ,you preferred animals to people and you think Henry could tell but he was stubborn ,but then he had been stubborn since day one.

When you'd first met he was worried you didn't have the strength to look after or control such a big dog...Kal was small for an Akita but he was by no means weak, he has had Henry over a few times in the past which is not to be laughed at. You remembered it well the first time he saw you he'd be the first to admit he was a bit of an ass...Well he was a complete asshole to be honest. Your mind wandered to your first ever conversation with the man.

"So did you realize he's an Akita? He needs a lot of exercise and attention...I need someone who can keep up with him and handle him when in a boisterous mood...not someone he can run rings around and overpower" you squinted at him and grunted he seemed put out and very full of himself; something he’d later regret. You'd took a deep breath and smiled trying your best not to snap or cower...His scowl was intimidating. "Yes I do...Look if I can help calm down a scared shire and pull it to a halt, and hold still a bull by its horns for tagging I think I can handle a little Akita" he had grunted at you in disbelief crossing his arms and scoffed at you. "Oh really? You did all that?" You growled at him getting a bee in your bonnet his attitude was getting right up your nose now you didn't want to anger him but at the same time you needed this job it'd pay for your van and get you up and running. "I was training to be a country vet so yes I did all that anything else Mr Cavill? A resume? Certificates I have them with me..I even know canine cpr and how to remove ticks if you wanted to Know that to" he huffed and turned to the others present.

"Fine she will do but one incident and she's not watching him that’s final I don't let just anyone look after him" you smiled confidently but inside you were bricking it hoping you didn't come across as a nasty person you wasn't...You were just in a tricky spot and you needed money...You loved dogs they were going to be your new career so this was a perfect fit for you...No customers or people just you babysitting a big ass fluffy bear. That had been the only time you'd really clapped back at him and you were proud it was rare for you to stand up for yourself.

He'd gotten copies of all your documents you'd shown to prove you were capable...when he said he wouldn't trust just anyone with his four legged son, he meant it and you understood. You'd be the same with you own puppy, as much as you wanted one of your own finances were tight and once your business was open you wouldn't have much time spare for a pup of your own. Some of the others had rolled their eyes when they saw Henry hovering like a mother hen over you and Kal for the first week. They had complained to one another expressing that Kal was just a dog he would be fine. They just didn't understand. But as it turns out you had somehow passed his requirements and he had backed off trusting you to look after his son. You gathered that he checked you out fully and realized you had done all that you said, pulled out of veterinary school deciding the larger animals wasn't for you and were now focusing on grooming. And he had but that wasn't the whole reason he had been spying on you and Kal even when you didn't realize it.

It had started when he came to apologize. You'd never know but he felt like a dick and had come to apologize for his attitude but instead found himself floored watching from a short distance you were cuddling Kal smoothing his fur raking your fingers through it giggling and kissing him every so often pulling clumps of shedding fur out of him. "Oh my! baby boy look at all this? you'll be a stone lighter once all this is out talk about a crash diet....Wish I could drop a few dress sizes just by brushing my hair" that comment had hit Henry's chest with a dull cold thud. You were beautiful why would you say that about yourself? sure you were thicker...but thicker was better in his opinion he loved curves the idea of luscious soft curves filling his palms mad him swoon! He watched as you giggled wrestling Kal to his other side before repeating. He was surprised at how much he liked watching you play with him it was nice seeing Kal so relaxed and coddled. Henry sometimes felt guilty bringing Kal on set he couldn't give him much attention when he was working so that was where dog sitters come in someone o watch him and keep Kal occupied when Henry was working. "You'll feel so much better after this...I will bring my brushes out tomorrow and give you a good tidy up! you must be so hot love..." Henry laughed as the calm didn't last long at the word brush Kal got up excitedly pouncing and licking your face. You giggled loudly as he pushed you back standing over you yipping but you didn't throw him off instead wrapping your arms around him and rolled taking the Akita clean of his feet pinning the large dog to the floor and attacking him with tummy scratches and raspberries. Henry's heart melted it was nice to see someone playing with him properly no holds bar! rough housing with an Akita was no mean feet but you managed. It was then he leaned back watching you a small smile on his lips you took your job seriously and Henry was seeing a different side to you. He had definitely misjudged you he felt even more of an asshole now.

The final hurdle you jumped was when he saw Kal mouthing at your forearm playfully keeping the arm snug between his jaws and pulling trying to tug you back down as you tried to get up. Henry panicked heart stopping for a second as you hissed a little, people can perceive mouthing as biting. Before Henry could even think he moved a few steps forward readying to charge down and explain the behavior and pray you didn't take the incident further. But before he could take another step you had taken care of it and you didn't freak out like others would have in the jaws of a large dog. You simply calmed the situation down nicely and carefully with ear rubs making Kal release you and tilt his head trying to make you rub harder onto the ear. "You got such a big mouth Kal my love! mouthing like that huh? Just one overgrown puppy~" you finished by laughing and settling down onto the ground with him.Then pulled Kal to face you kissing his snout making him go all soppy again. Henry watched dumbstruck as you peeled back his lip and shook your head. "Lets had a look at your nashers...Oh? Whats this Pooh bear? look at those teeth! And they call your daddy a wolf huh? And your not brushing them are you my little fluff ball? hmm? well we will start that tomorrow~ oh yesh we will!...You like the sound of that huh? brush these pearly whites and make your breath smell all fresh! all it'll cost you is more kisses!! yesh it will baby boy! good bear such a good pooh bear!" Henry smoothed back the wig he was wearing heaving a deep sigh relaxing with a chuckle. Yeah that hadn't put you off at all now his dog had a fucking dentist to. Henry took a moment to calm down as he realized you'd known what you were doing. The fear for all dog owners was someone saying they were bit! but in that moment he was reassured you knew a lot more about dogs then your papers said ,you handled it very well. Kal had a habit of mouthing he always had since a puppy, sometimes he even falls asleep with one of Henry's hands in his mouth just holding it sometimes suckling like a tiny pup again...It was rare now but it happened almost using his hand or fingers like a like a toddler with a soother. But when he was excited he would mouth a little harder it was pack behavior but to anyone who didn't know they called it a bite. Kal seemed to like you and you handled him beautifully.

After that Henry had meant to back off but...He couldn't seeing how you'd got Kal wrapped around your little finger had intrigued him...He was a strong believer in dogs having that sixth sense for people they could sniff out the bad ones. Kal had fallen head over paws for you and each morning got in a little tizzy waiting for you to come pick him up prancing at the door as you got closer. Henry loved how much pride you took in looking after kal and how far you went you'd all but adopted the bear. Fuck you were only supposed to walk him and play with him a few hours a day but you groomed him, brushed his fur and teeth daily even clipped his claws and filed them you pampered the dog with massages after his runs new toys and enrichment treats then had long ass naps wrapped around him. You were a nanny, packmate, cook, dentist stylist, nail technician massuse and all round mother to Kal and the bear loved it lapping up the attention and what Henry believed to be genuine love. 

He still watched but now for a different reason he wasn't worried about kal...He watched you, it had only taken him three weeks to become completely besotted with you he wanted to spend as much time with you as he could. He loved everything about you, the way your laugh made kal go crazy and lather you with kisses how you'd roll around with him no qualms about getting dusty and smothered with fur and the way you played and snuggled kal like he was your own pup kissing him and giving him the love he needed. If he was honest he adored the way you'd gone about it. Most dog sitters just sat on their phones with kal on the lead beside them and walked him when once a day. You mothered him and spoiled him rotten. And Henry loved and loathed it...Why were you so comfortable with kal and not him? Sire hed been an ass at the start but you were all past that now...Henry wanted some of you attention now but you withdrew when he was there. It was maddening.

It was a week after he had seen you deal with Kals mouthing that you'd approached him he almost expected the worse thinking you were going to quit saying kal was to much but instead you'd asked if kal was allergic to anything. Henry to be honest was stumped, he'd never though of kal having allergies. He was concerned and began running all the worst scenarios in his head of what you'd noticed or what had happened. But you had shyly calmed him down saying you wanted to get Kal some treats and chews but didn't want to cause any medical issues. Henry can honestly say his heart had swelled at that. Henry in that moment had developed a full blown crush on you. He was floored that you'd take his bears welfare so seriously that you'd asked permission to give him treats. He had stuttered out that you could give him what ever that he didn't have any allergies and you'd grinned wide then began gushing over these strange yak milk chews you wanted to get him and a deer antler? Henry just smiled laughing as you forgot who and where you was getting yourself excited.

"Oh my god this is gonna be fun! I've never been able to get this stuff I don't have a dog but now with kal I can spoil him rotten thank you Henry!" And with that said nearly every day his boy came home with a new toy or treat. Henry found it cute especially when you'd given him a little yellow squeaky teddy, Henry didn't think it would last two mineuts normally kal ripped soft teddies to shreds but this one...For some reason wasn't chewed ever not even the eyes ,sure Kal would bite it on the squeaker normally early in the mornings to wake Henry up but it was a teddy he just carried around with him and slept on. He couldn't sleep with out it tucked under his chin!

As time went on you found yourself having small awkward conversations with Henry he seemed to just want you to open up, to talk to him and get along. You wanted to but it was hard for you he was this huge hot alpha witcher male and you were a small dumpy thing. You didn't want to get attached to him, didn't want your crush to get out of hand when you knew there was no chance...He'd never go for someone like you slowly your thought began getting darker and more upsetting luckily they disappeared when kal nudged you almost knocking you over as you retied your laces he was waiting for you to hurry up it was time for his daily walk/run. You soon found yourself jog running along the trail with kal as he created wanting to go faster you panted and grunted at him waving your arms around as he pulled nearly having you off your feet. "Kal! I can't go faster!!! I'm fat haven't you noticed?! fucking lard asses can't got faster we have like three gears!" he barked at you as if to argue you scoffed. "Yes I know your daddy goes faster but I cant!" again he barked and yipped at you eager to go sprinting "No! absolutely not! I'm not letting you off again...Remember the squirrel? You promised to come back young man! and you lied I nearly had a fucking heart attack!" he yipped again tapping the floor prancing a typical kal tantrum brewing. "Nu uh! you did this if you'd behaved and not ran off like a race horse then you'd be let off and be frolicking in the woods like a pooh bear! But no you were a nonce!" he stamped again and moved capturing the lead in his mouth and pulled starting a game of tug making you swear and quickly hold it with two hands and lean back as he started bouncing back growling playfully. "Kal you little shit stop! no no don't-KAL?!" you growled and dug your heels in pulling back as he growled now wagging his tail at the new game of tug. "Kal Cavill you stop being a little brat this instant! I mean it or no peanut butter!...Yes that got you attention didn't it?....Good boy, right now thanks to you little paddy we are going back now see? You play up and we go home....Just you wait until I tell your daddy how spoiled your acting." he whined and flopped down you dropped your jaw at him scratching your head. "Wait what? kal no stop it-really? your really are a sulky little shit sometimes pooh bear....Kal come on up" you moved pulling the lead but he didn't budge you cried out in frustration. Kal just smiled panting at you making you laugh despite your annoyance. "How can I not move you?! putting my weight in it you should at least budge! I how're you doing this?...." you moved and sat beside him and curled over him trying to pick him up but nope he was not going anywhere. you sighed and sat next to him out of breath. "Kal come on mate! cut me some slack...I'm not fit like your daddy and if you wont listen to your recall then I can't let you off..." you moved a hand digging your fingers int the fur massaging him then leaned down kissing his snout he moved sitting up seeing you were upset. "You know I wish I was...Fitter then maybe he'd look at me or-or I'd have the confidence to talk to him back but..Yeah men like him don't like us plus sizes...Oh don't look at me like that kal there's no hiding the fact I'm a fucking chunk!...No matter how much I like him it'd never happen..." you stood up and kal followed licking at your fingers by your side you smiled patting his head. "Lets get back...And I lied you can have your peanut butter I'm sorry I said you couldn't it was mean...But only if you keep that little crush thing quiet okay? Good boy!, you keep that secret for me bubby" he jumped up happily you had no doubt this dog understood every single word you said to him.

Henry had made it his mission to get one date by the end of filming...If only he wasn't this shy every time he tried you'd flush blinking up at him and he'd freeze forgetting his previous thoughts and just star mind going blank. And like a coward he'd stutter out a thank you for seeing to kal and run off tail between his legs. One time; the seventh time...But he wasn't counting, he came over psyching himself up. 'Just one date just say hey your good with kal and I think your really cute and want to take you out...Or just a basic lets have dinner' he nodded to himself and smiled fisting his hands by his side and took a few deep breaths steeling himself as he made his way to a small shaded area just off set and frowned...What was? was Kal laying on you?....He was! Henry snuck up behind you hearing the bear snort in his sleep and slowly stretch out one front leg across you before sighing loudly and relaxing again. You were laying flat on your back in the grass. from what Henry could tell Kal at one point had been next to you but had rolled over in his sleep tummy flat against your side head laying heavy on your soft tummy one paw stretched out over your waist, his back legs straddling your hip from the side.  Your hand was tucked in his mouth you were both sound asleep. Kal was hugging you and Henry couldn't help feeling a little jealous he wanted to do that...He wanted to hug you...He was being out done by his own dog...Henry smiled and took in the sight. He wanted to see this more often he really needed to ask you out ...He needed to get his ass in gear time was ticking. He moved quickly looking left and right before subtly snapping a few shots you'd be none the wiser to him having a new background on his phone. He quickly tucked his phone away and sat beside you leaning back on his hands and just admired the sight drawing his eyes over your form and flushed a bright red noting your top had rose resting just below your bust... kal had somehow nudged it up, Henry had to chuckle at the thought his pup was really putting the moves on you. If only Henry could be that brave. You moved groaning blinking you were hot...So hot what the fuck? had you fell asleep? Shit. You frowned feeling a weight on your tummy you flexed your fingers they were? What the fuck why are they warm....And wet your stomach was damp to....Eww!? What the hell- your being fucking finger sucked!?! confused you gasped and jolted tipping your head up. Fully alert and blinked a few times looking around then focused looking down and giggled. Kal was dead asleep passed out on your tummy somehow he had sucked your hand into his mouth and was trying to suckle on it like a tiny puppy. You smiled and sighed relieved that it was just a silly pooh bear and not some scary ass fuck tard moving your other hand up to stroke the sleeping pups head giggling when he twitched and snorted like a piggy and kicked a back leg out. "Oh my god that's so cute~" you jumped hearing a deep chuckle beside you and saw Henry sitting watching. Instantly you froze unsure what to do or say flushing and gulping trying to remain calm, sensing your discomfort he smiled kindly then nodded to kal. "Done it since he was a pup...Like a proper baby only ever done it with me before though think you may have become his new favorite human~" you flushed lightly and tried wriggling out from under Kal but stopped when he groaned and clamped down on the fingers in his mouth. You chuckled you were not moving anytime soon bot with out upsetting the bear, you shrugged to Henry who laughed quietly again shaking his head.

"I'm afraid you are now trapped here with me until the bear decides to let go~" you blinked flushing even more as his gaze bore into you. You looked back wanting to at least sit up a bit Henry was quick to intervene and shuffled closer sitting side on crossed legged and slipped the elevated knee below our head you flushed when he cleared his throat and his cheeks became pink.

"I...Err your-Its my dogs fault and I..." you blinked slowly and lowered your head to rest on the knee your. He smirked at you feeling proud f himself being able to pull this off somehow.

"I-I Henry if I get to heavy just say...Don't want to give you a dead leg or something...." he frowned a dark look his eyes going dark making you quiver slightly your insecurity rearing its ugly head a small voice telling you your crushing him. He placed a hand to your shoulder. "Your not heavy Honestly I don't even feel you there...It'd take around six of you before I'd even feel anything!" You flushed brightly but said nothing, he must just be saying that he was polite...To polite to tell you your fat. After a few minuets of silence and Henry berating himself he cleared his throat and motioned to Kal still snoring away, his voice lowering making your insides quiver. "Stolen my own pup I knew you'd be trouble~" you swallowed and smiled shyly up at him shaking your head at him with an impish grin. "N-no...He just likes me I think....He is a good boy you should be really proud of him the best boy I have ever looked after" Henry nodded thanking you then looked down at Kal still happily snoring. "And you the best babysitter he has had~ hands down I'm really impressed...I was wrong I never did apologize for being such an asshole when we met" You were all about loosing your mind trapped here under kal ,who would throw a fit if you moved him. "No no..I understand he is your special boy and a energetic little man I can understand the concern someone large and unfit showing up" he grunted and frowned moving the hair from your face making you squeak.

"Stop that! Your a beautiful full figured woman there's nothing wrong with that!.... and for the record it wasn't that at all that made me worry...Your small and I was afraid Kal would have you over and break a bone or something...Kal has he me over many times in the past....Either way I was wrong my worry is no excuse to be rude and I'm sorry" You flushed as Henry slowly eyed your form as he spoke, his blues glittering with something you'd never seen directed at you before but it was gone before you could decipher it. He watched unblinkingly at you finally you smiled and nodded to him breathing out a quick thank you, he grinned and moved a hand stroking kal patting his side softly. "But as for this boy goes I think he more then likes you...He has taken a shine to you...Think he has a crush~ not that I blame him as I said your a very lovely woman" you blinked smiling wider and somehow going a brighter red managed to slip your hand out of the bears jaws and wiped it on your tshirt using the moment to tug it back down. "You-you don't mean that I'm...Just ...Yeah" Henry frowned at you not liking the tone you used to speak about yourself. He went to argue further but grunted a little annoyed as Kal choose that moment to stir making you look away. You watched thankful for the bear giggling softly as the dog moved up off you stretching and yawning then blinked at his dad as if you say 'what?' you moved and kissed his head softly "Come on sleeping beauty time to go home I'm sure you can nap with your daddy when you get back" Henry chuckled as Kal huffed getting up and standing beside him. Henry wanted to linger, to ask you out to do something but any courage he had was gone the moment he had you laid in his lap...It was like a kid wanting something for so long and once he had it he didn't know what to do with it. He moved standing and held out his hand to help you up you froze  and gulped smiling nervously, as strong as he might be you'd have him over and it'd embarrass you to much. Last thing you wanted your crush to know is just how fucking heavy you were. But the man didn't give you much choice as he snatched your hand dragging you up and you were amazed he didn't even lean back or grunt nothing! just pulled you straight up off the floor like it was nothing and you swooned. Henry kicked himself for days over not correcting you. You were amazing and kind and funny and he'd do anything to go out on a date with you....Apart from over come his own bashfulness that is. he wanted to show you how pretty you were to him how much he'd grown to care for you just from watching you with kal but he chickened out yet again.

You smiled moving forward to Kal already getting tearful snuggling him tightly saying your good bye running your nose through his fur Henry's heart clenched when he saw you getting upset he just wanted to wrap you up in his arms and hug you tell you how he felt but no...It wasn't fair to spring his crush on you on the last day...He should have told you sooner, swept you off your feet taken you out wined and dined you. But he hadn't and now he had to say good bye without even giving it a try, the only constellation was that he'd ask for you back next season. He watched sorrowfully at your tears Kal licked them away and you kissed his snout. "Now you listen to me pooh bear you behave..you hear me you be a good boy for you daddy and stop chewing them claws! you have a lovely set of claws and your going to ruin them and get stinky breath if you carry on!" you quickly stood up and Henry pulled you in for a quick hug. "I-er...I'm...Th-thank you for being so good with him he hasn't been this taken care off well ever I don't think!" you smiled wiping at your eye going red your heart was crumbling as you took your last few moments with him. You’d failed to keep your feelings at bay and now you were going to pay dearly for it. "No-your to kind....You do a brilliant job...I-it was fun good luck with the press tour" the conversation came to a screeching halt as you both debated telling one another but in the end you didn't each to scared. You’d turned and left tears trailing down your face once out of sight you held your head in your hands and had a good old cry. You felt ridiculous miserable and very very sorry for yourself. But whats done is done...Or not done shall we say you left shortly after needing to be at home there was a litre tub of vanilla ice cream calling your name.

It wasn't until Henry got home he let it sink in he wasn't going to see you anymore. He broke down cursing and kicking out in a very uncharacteristic manner 'you were such a fucking coward! you should have told her'....He should have grown a back bone and asked you out but no...He held himself back yet again! over the next months he had stewed regrets piling, he replayed all the times he could of just asked you out, all the times when he had to admit his feelings the list got longer  each day. He missed you Kal missed you...The teddy you bought him was with him each time he slept no matter where Kal would wander off getting the teddy and used it as a pillow.

He'd sometimes just sit in his bed with it blinking at Henry, Kal wanted to know where you were he wanted to see you again. Sometimes he would bring it up to him and drop it nudging the stuffed bear to Henry with a sad look whining pitifully like 'wheres mama?' that is what Henry had ended up calling you...In a short few months you'd more of less become Kal's mother. You dotted on him and he you....It was Henry who fucked up! and boy did he feel guilty seeing Kal so upset he had even tried hiding the teddy a few times wanting his cheerful bear back but no that had been a big mistake Henry had left the room for a few moments and came back to a hell of a mess Kal ripping the place up looking for the toy almost panic. Henry had to give it back and since then hadn't got within three feet of it Kal guarded it with his life. Henry sighed he was angry at himself if he'd opened his mouth then you'd be here visiting at least! He could of tried could of build something with you but no Henry had been a coward. and he would not be making that same mistake again!  luckily filming was starting again next week so he would see you again! he'd been telling Kal that they were going to see you both again it was nice seeing Kal get all excited he had been depressed.

And that was why is was all the more heartbreaking when he got on set and you wasn't there. Henry was pissed, he had been gearing up getting himself ready to see you again but you wasn't here...Everyone he asked said they hadn't seen you then it finally came out that no one was hired for Kal this time. You were a victim of your own success, Kal had been so good last time that it was decided the money could be spent elsewhere. It broke his heart he wanted so desperately to see you to finally ask you out for Kal to cheer up they were both love struck and both heart broken and depressed. After a week Henry had finally stopped pushing to find you resigning himself to the fact he wasn't going to get his second chance and he just hopped Kal would snap out of it...He doubted it though Akitas were revered for their loyalty and intelligence Henry wouldn't forget so the likelihood of Kal forgetting was slim. he sat at the table sighing he was down everyone could tell neither Henry or Kal had the spring in their step they once had.

Everyone knew the change in the two was because you hadn't been there Joey, Anya and Freya were at a loss unsure how to make him feel better that is until Freya asked around the local village. She remembered Henry mentioning that you were saving up to be a dog groomer and she said something in passing about an Akita in need of a good brush in the local shop and bingo! The shop owner smiled and gushed over the new mobile groomers, a local lady who had just set up shop. The woman had rushed to the counter getting a business card and little leaflet. Freya wasn't sure how but she just knew it'd be Henry's bou. She was excited thanking the woman before rushing back to set.

Once on set Freya made her way right through it searching for a down trodden Henry. She was determined to help him out...And keep a secret at the same time, she wanted it to be a surprise. Finally she found him sitting at a covered table picking at his food Kal beside him resting his chin on the bench beside him.

"Henry? I have something that might cheer Kal up~" he looked to Freya with a confused look Joey and Anya frowned to noting the sly grin on her face. Henry placed his fork down wiping his hand and took a small purple business card and matching purple leaflet. He scowled reading it. Mama bears puppy spa?. He frowned looking up at Freya who smiled knowingly.

"I found it in the village shop window...Just trust me phone up, you can email to see? and the prices are reasonable...I think get them to come give Kal a quick once over might cheer him up having a little pamper" Henry sighed looking to the scruffy boy he was shedding again so maybe a wash cut and blow dry would help cheer him up...and stop him from waking up with fur in his mouth.

"Thanks...I think I might mobile one I take it?" Freya smirked nodding to him Henry was just to out of it to even

"Gets raving reviews...A local lady I think but seriously just treat him!" he smiled thanking her again deciding he might as well he had noticed Kal chewing his claws again but hadn't got the nail clippers with him and if they were going to come out here might as well get the works done. So that's what he did asked them to come out the next day as he had it off they booked as a last minuet. And that was where he now found himself sitting by the entrance of set waiting for a big purple mobile dog groomers. He was so engrossed in looking out for the van he didn't notice Freya Anya and Joey gathered a few feet behind him watching. Henry sighed petting Kal and wiping off the shedding fur letting it fall to the floor in tufts.

"God Kal you really do need this huh buddy? must be horrible going from silky daily brushed fur to now just once a week" He smiled rubbing Kal’s back dragging his fingers through the fur.

Henry frowned as suddenly Kal lifted his head sniffing then quicker then Henry could react he sprinted off across the makeshift car park Henry jumped up shouting for him but it was to late Kal was off the dog ignored him running around the corner and down the long track. Henry’s heart clenched and his blood ran cold as Kal disappeared out of sight then he heard it large truck skid to a stop Henry screamed Kal’s name tears already streaming fearing the worst as he rounded the corner  drawing attention as he sprinted as fast as his legs could carry him and almost collapsed in relief he was okay! Kal was okay he wasn't hit. He was pacing tail going ballistic and jumping whining excitedly yipping and barking loud and frantic scratching at the door barking and creating a huge fuss.

The door opened just as Henry skidded to a stop sliding on his knees in the gravel hugging Kal who wasn't interested in the slightest still trying to jump up at the woman? He looked up trying to see just what had made Kal pee with excitement. Henry froze as a familiar woman stood before him and quickly caught a jumping Kal and fell to the floor with him and Henry as Kal frantically tried to bombard her with kisses. She crouched down and held Kals face still forcing him to look her in the eyes. He couldn't believe what he was seeing until he heard her speak.

"YOU! JUST WHAT SO YOU THINK YOU WERE PLAYING AT!?!" your shout meant nothing to the pup as he was lunging at you wanting his kisses whining  beating Henry with his tail stayed behind the bear shaking like a leaf still in shock he petting him he needed to touch him after that scare.

"Henry!? Who was watching him?! I'll fucking kick there ass! fuck I'm so happy I saw him shit... Fuck! heads are gonna roll!" Henry tilted his head looking at you moving a hand to cup your cheek slowly.

"Y/n is-is that really you?" you smiled now calming down nodding to him

"Yeah...Hi Henry...I er-I take it Kal is my client for the day?" Henry nodded still refusing the release kal even though the dog wanted nothing to do with him as far a he was concered his mama was here and he wanted his cuddles.You smiled and stood up dusting yourself off then looked to the truck Kal wriggled out of Henry's grip jumping at you making you laugh ad pet him.

"Hey pooh bear I gotta move the truck first then we can have cuddles okay? Can you go with your daddy for a bit?" Henry stood shaking his head at you.

"No he wont he has missed you something chronic...He has been real depressed" you looked down to the dog and smiled opening the truck door and motioned for hims to climb in.

"Go on then one quick little ride then we can sort you out you little scruff bear...You getting in?" Henry nodded watching wincing as Kal clambered up into the truck then jumped in behind him controlling Kal a little as you drove up and parked off to the side then turned to face the still yipping pup.

"Okay okay bear calm down here you want cuddles?" at your open arms the dog dived at you still wagging his tail how it hadn't snapped off from hitting the hand break you don't know. "So pooh bear is my last minuet appointment? For the whole hog right?" Henry was stumped you...You were different still the same beautiful woman he hadn't stopped thinking about but you were more confident. you were happier and you glowed more if that was possible. Henry was flawed now was his chance...Why wasn't he speaking? why didn't he just say something? you looked at him a little confused. "Are you err...Are you okay Henry?" you asked slightly worried as Kal began to settle now that he had his mama back he placed his heavy head on your shoulder whining quietly in your ear. "I just... He needs a pamper...A professional pamper so... could you?" you smiled quickly nodding then quickly scratched Kals back kissing his cheek making him smile again. "Absolutely! make your boy nice and clean and fluffy and I even have a cute little dicky bow for the sweet boy~ Yesh I do  yesh I do my precious little pooh bear! you wanNa look all snazzy for you daddy? you coming in to? Can give you some pointers then you want have to splash out on it" it was then that something snapped in him and he stared at you licking his lips he began talking before he could even decide what to say. "...But what if I err...what if I wanted to splashout...It..Splashout on you?...And you know have you take care of him again...Have you stick around..." you frowned blinking he wanted you around? you'd assumed he had found someone better to look after the bear when you hadn't been called back. "You want me to stick around and look after Kal again?" he nodded blushing and running a hand through his hair he looked at you and swallowed.Fuck it Henry man up! just tell her!. "No! I...I want you to stick around and look after the both of us....Fuck that sounded clingy...W-What I meant is we both missed you...We have-Kal has been depressed...That fucking teddy! the bear you gave him he has been carrying it whining with it...Looking to me sulking he wanted me to find you again...I was such an ass i got him all excited to see you again and then you wasn't here he-we were both upset...A-and I want to see you...like see you" "You want me to...I don't understand...You don't want me to dogsit? Or you want me to dogsit again?" he sighed he was really ballsing this up. He tilted his head at you and moved to stroke Kals back calming himself down it was now or never Henry don’t let her escape again just Take the bull by the horns your meant to be a fucking witcher! superman and you cant even tell her you like her. he closed his eye and spoke with a low firm voice. "I want you here! I missed you and when I got home I was kicking myself....Y/n I have a- I was super excited to see you again but your not here and I...We need you...You were right Kal has a crush on you! A crush?...He's fucking in love with you and he was depressed without you! Missed you so much" you blinked looking from the dog to Henry "Kal...Loves me?" Henry nodded biting his bottom lip he sighed he could do this...He could do this just ask! just tell you. He smiled sweetly smoothing his hand over his face watching at you glanced at him weary. Then held up a hand then let it fall to his thigh. "Well yes very very much and he missed you terribly.... And he wants to spend time with you again and talk...Get to know you better and got out for walks, coffee ,maybe dinner? and I-I'm fucking this up shit..." you blinked gasping quietly l finally catching up with him you smiled shyly before speaking in a small voice. "Are...Are we still talking about Kal Henry?" you held your breath regretting the words as soon as they left your mouth maybe your hopes were to high? Were you reading to much into this?.   "No were not I..Please would-If you don't mind..And you don't have to! but I...Would you go out with me?...For Kal! He needs a woman around! he needs his Mama-NO NOT LIKE ERR SHIT FUCK!" you flushed blushing deep as Henry panicked covering his face embarrassed muttering trying to dig himself out of the hole he had dug. You giggled at him and smiled really embarrassed and moved to Kal peeking at him. Then spoke in a clear voice halting Henry's waffling. "Kal?~...Ha-have you been telling your daddy on me?~ you know when I told you I had a crush on him it was supposed to be a secret!" Henry snapped his head up to you blinking as if still taking in the information then a huge grin split across his face. "You have a crush on- fuck yes!" he leaned over to you before you could move he pressed Kals head out of the way and captured your lips you gasped making him smirk and quickly dart into your mouth. Henry smiled tilting his head you moaned l softly as he pressed you further back twisting his head suckling and thrusting back and forth trying to coax your tongue from your mouth. Then it was brought to an abrupt end as Kal lifted his head snout bumping into you chin snapping your jaw shut biting Henry's tongue. You quickly opened your mouth as he hissed and grunted jolting back with a laugh as almost immediately Kal gave him a look thag clearly said 'my mama' then began kissing your cheeks himself. Henry rolled his eyes poking out his tongue touching it with the pad of his finger checking for blood he smiled when there was none then spoke in a deep tone almost scolding to the pup snuggling into your neck hiding fro his dad.

"Kal....Son? You know your gonna have to share your Mama with me...I am your dad.."you chuckled leaning back looking to Henry as Kal continued to hide.

"Soo you..er you want to get lunch? Maybe after I sort out Kal?...He should have a nap after a good bath." Henry grinned wide nodding to you he was over the moon. "I'd love that! Maybe get a rerun of that kiss....Minus the jealous bear" you wriggled your eyebrows at him.

"Nah! Don’t have to wait that long! We can kiss when Kals safely leashed in the bath!" Kal suddenly pulled back wide eyed looking back and froth between you both making Henry laugh.

"Oh yes I forgot the bear doesn't like his baths" you giggled at him.

"Oh well you definitely need to be there with me...for moral support" he smiled wickedly before looking to Kal who was suddenly uncomfortable with the looks he was receiving. 

"Kal-e-bear time for a bath~" the dogs ears went down flat against his head as he sensed his parents were indeed going to wrestling him into a bath.

[ambidextrousarcher]

The Beat of a Heart

In honour of Doctor’s Day (barely in time), here’s a short story by my hand. It’s based mostly on real-life experiences, most of the scenes based on things I have seen in clinical postings. I am not sure whether I got the main character’s emotions right, but I did my best, so I guess that counts. 

[Image ID: A stethoscope with blue tubing, silver diaphragm and black earpieces lying on top of a blurred keyboard, a blue pad to the left of the stethoscope, with a piece of blank paper pinned on it. On the bottom left, the words ‘The beat of a heart...’ are written in red England Hand font. End ID]

I’m tagging my usual writer mutuals and putting the actual short story under a cut.

My taglist: @ambitiousandcunning @medhasree @shaonharryandpannisim @chaanv @arjunaparantapa @hindumyththoughts @spockswhore @ashsnipes​ @annlillyjose​ @seekerbrave​ @avakrahn​ @a-confusedmess​ @arachneofthoughts​ @paneerlajwanti​ @vishnupada​ @bookdragonfanish​ @iamnotthat​ @foreveres​ @shellweed​ @will-die-without-chai​.

She coughs a little, ignoring the rasp in her throat, wishing she could reach for her water bottle, but is impeded by the sheer number of people between her and the bottle in question. She reaches for the hand rub instead, the familiar smell of ethanol almost soothing for a moment. She blinks, turning to the older man sitting across her, the familiar questions on her lips.

‘Can you tell me why you’re here?’ she asks, noting down the man’s anxiety, trying to make her voice sound soothing. That is all the prompting he needs to launch into his long-winded story. She stretches a little, noticing the line of people in front of her, and the students hanging on each of her words standing behind her chair.

She smiles, looking behind her at the students, gesturing subtly for one of them to take over. ‘Make sure to examine him properly,’ she instructs. The student she had instructed nods, her eyes wide. ‘Yes, ma’am,’ the younger girl responds, leading the man to a bed. She can see the couple of students who had bothered to attend all clustered together, their discussion hushed.

She suppresses a grin. They’ll learn. She herself had. And indeed, one of the the students comes forward tentatively, stopping her peer who had been taking the man’s history, and begins the examination.

She turns to her work, leaving the students occupied for now. It’s a familiar battleground of questions and answers, having to rush the patients because of the lack of time. ‘Ma’am?’ it’s a young gentleman. ‘Yes, sir?’ ‘I am sorry,’ he says hesitantly, ‘I don’t understand what you said.’ She nods. Clears her throat, looking wistfully at the bottle that still is too far to reach, and too empty besides. Looking at it only diverts her attention to the humidity the fan is doing little for, the sweat trickling down her back.

She shakes her head. Do not divert your attention. Her colleague shoots her an understanding look, as she explains the prescription once again. He nods, with a quiet ‘thank you.’ She nods back at him as he leaves.

‘Ma’am?’ She turns once more. If nothing else, she muses wryly, choosing medicine has definitely taught me to multitask. The students lead the first man back to her, their clinical skills enthusiastic if a touch inexperienced. One of the girls excitedly details the sound of an ejection click. She smiles, lending the younger girl her own stethoscope. The girl listens in with the man’s permission in quiet absorption, the ritual being repeated by each of her friends, all of them clearly awed.

The gentleman looks amused at the furore the click of his valves, amplified by his metallic pacemaker, has elicited. She corrects them when needed, leading to a response of all heads nodding at once.

As the clock strikes 1, the students ask for leave to disperse and the crowd of patients mercifully thins. She tells them to go and come back for a short class in the evening, finally leaving behind the pursuit of her elusive lunch and the all-important water.

Her lunch in front of her, her thirst finally quenched, she ruffles through her iPad for information to make the class slides for tomorrow’s discussion. All too soon the short break is over, the slides still unfinished, and she stands, following her friends out of the Duty Doctors’ Room to go on ward rounds. Her eyes flit to a notification on her News app, of a doctor being beaten by goons. She sighs. There is no use pondering over this. I can only do my best. She knows protests do little good, so she hardens her heart and strides out, sliding her phone in her pocket.

Somewhere in the middle of the rounds, the students following her and the senior doctor like ducklings following mother duck, one of them comes running to her. ‘Ma’am,’ his voice is high with fear. She gives him her immediate attention. ‘There’s a man on that bed…’ the boy points, ‘…17, he’s…he’s not really breathing.’

Oh, no. Her friend steps up, running to the patient, while she looks for his details, adrenaline sharpening her senses.

He is a new patient, there is next to nothing on his chart. She can hear a lady wailing and she winces. No one should see their loved one in such a situation, she thinks, even as she squares her shoulders, moving towards the bed, shaking her head at her friend, who had already started CPR. She gently moves the lady aside, trying to console her, even when there is fear in her own heart that the news she might have to deliver could be irredeemable.

‘Doctor?’ asks the lady querulously, ‘you’ll save him, won’t you?’ She looks down for a moment, before meeting the lady’s gaze. ‘We will do our best,’ she replies quietly, grave as the situation is. The lady nods, tears still pooling in her eyes.

She can hear her friend panting. Quiet and quick, she swaps her place with him, continuing CPR. He shoots her a grateful look. She turns her attention to the patient. Between the three of them, they manage to get the patient breathing, she notes with relief. That relief doesn’t last long, though, as she looks the patient over. The catheter connected to him, filled with orange urine, the gross ascites and icterus. He’s on Rifampicin. TB with hepatic encephalopathy. One glance at her friend tells her that he, too, is thinking the same.

The lady with the patient…his wife by the sound of it, reads the grave news on their faces, facilitated, perhaps, by her intubated husband’s gasps of breath. She sinks into the bars of the hospital bed for support. She is at a loss for a moment, as she always is when confronted by the inevitability of death. She kneels then, her hand on the lady’s shoulder, silently commiserating.

When she stands, she looks at the downcast yet awed students and forces a smile. ‘Well,’ she says, stopping them as they turn away, towards the exit, clearly assuming that class is cancelled for the day. She has no intention of doing that, though. They need to learn that life doesn’t stop for those of us still hale.

At the sound of her voice, they turn as one, looking at her with eyes comparable in size to dinner dishes. ‘I’ll just wash my hands and come back,’ she says firmly. ‘You guys go wait in the Duty Doctors’ Room for your class.’ They keep staring at her for a few moments. ‘Go on,’ she instructs. They obey, darting reverential glances at her, talking in hushed whispers. How could someone literally save a life and just go back to normal like that? She hears one of their voices, quiet, dazzled. Despite knowing the truth, the innocent fascination in the boy’s face makes her smile.

I don’t know! She hears one of his friends reply. I want to be a doctor like that, when I finish my degree, when we really become doctors, the girl says, making her smile wider. The younger girl sounds like a young child deciding the goal of her life.  

She tamps down the giddy joy and the grief simultaneously warring inside her, long since used to contradictory emotions, keeping a straight face as she strides to the washbasin.

When she enters the Duty room for the class, they’re discussing the exposure she could have had. She smiles wryly for a moment. This kind of exposure is a fact of life, she nearly blurts out, deciding not to, enjoying their impressed approval for a moment, before she clears her throat.

They all look abashed. She decides to proceed as if the moment before had not occurred, which was helped by one of them asking about the man she had done the CPR on. She summarises the case, gives them a few topics to read on and sends them home.

Before leaving the hospital proper, she circulates the wards once more. The CPR patient crashes again. This time, though they try long and hard, the lose the man, the beat of his heart forever silenced.

Her senior takes responsibility of the formalities, telling her to leave. Leave she does, casting one last glance back at the shell of the man, helplessness overtaking her for a moment.

She checks in with her colleague manning the night shift if she is free to go, fighting the uncanny feeling of déjà vu that comes with every patient they lose suddenly, the realisation striking anew that life goes on.

It is a leisurely walk back to hostel, the cool air soothing on her sweat-soaked shirt. She is thinking once more of the next day’s presentation, the number of slides still left to finish off.

After a quick wash-up and dinner, she sits with her iPad. It is nearly midnight when she finishes her work, fighting her drooping eyes. She checks in her WhatsApp, shooting a quick goodnight to her parents. The statues of her medico friends are full of calls for justice against the recent violence. Her non-medico friends are, as usual, conspicuously silent on the matter.

Ah, well, she thinks, it’s not like armchair social media posts can actually do much. Besides, this is not an issue that they face. Why judge? They’re probably thinking the same I do.

 She debates posting a status of her own then decides against it, for again, social media can only do so much. The bitter truth can’t be changed.

Her mother’s voice echoes in her head, what mama had said the last time she had shared news of such violence. At least they didn’t kill him. You people get a lot of respect, you know?

She shakes her head, banishing those thoughts. She doesn’t want to have nightmares. Besides, tomorrow, she has to report for ID duty. She needs to be well rested for that. So she thinks of the awestruck students, the young girl’s voice playing in her head. I want to be a doctor like that, she said, when I finish my degree.

She falls asleep with a smile on her face.

When she is leaving for duty the next morning, she loops her stethoscope along the back of her throat, the diaphragm of the steth sitting firmly over her own beating heart. Time for another day at work.

Some terms that might be unknown:

Ejection Click: In some patients with heart problems, there is some backflow of the blood when the heart contracts. This backflow is heard as a ‘click’ sound when a stethoscope is used. This ‘click’ is amplified if the patient has a prosthetic metallic valve, as in case of the old gentleman in the story who is based on a real patient.

Rifampicin: A drug that is part of the four-drug regimen for Tuberculosis (TB). It increases the effect of another drug in the combination, Isoniazid, which is toxic to the liver. India has a huge number of cases of TB, being one of the TB-endemic countries. The orange urine is one of the most noticeable side-effects of using this drug.

Hepatic encephalopathy: Loss of proper brain function due to inability of liver to remove toxins. The patient on whom CPR was administered was in a coma due to this condition. He, too, was based on a real patient.

Ascites: Swelling of the abdomen due to accumulation of fluid in the abdomen.

Icterus: Yellowing of the sclera  (whites of the eyes) and bulbar conjuctiva, a hallmark of jaundice.

The doctor here makes the diagnosis of TB with drug induced hepatic encephalopathy because of the ascites and icterus combined with the rifampicin usage and the coma. It is an unfortunately common condition here. 

I just noticed that I haven't clarified ID Duty. It means Infectious Diseases ward duty. In this case, I meant COVID-19 duty, though it may not always mean that.

[bellamyblake]

And in s7 I think Bellamy was actually the least out of character out them all?? Like that is genuinely my opinion, I do not get that some people - and all characters in the show - said that was not our Bellamy. He only wanted peace for everyone, as always? Do better, stop the violence? He was the one continuing Monty's message. I mean that is why it hurts so much - he clearly was still himself... the other characters, on the other hands, uff, the writing choices for them did not make sense

Although I am working from an angle where we accept transcendence. If I wrote s7, I would have Bellamy realise that the pain is also part of life and they can still do better and make better choices, without transcendence and having to leave humanity behind. I think he knew that so these writing choices, I don't know... I just don't agree with the overall message the show pushes in s7 cause I think it undermines what came before. ,,You don't ease pain, you overdome it." What is your opinion?

I absolutely am of the unpopular opinion that Bellamy’s not OOC in season 7. 

In the brief time we see him he is absolutely himself, even in Etheria, the entire dialogue he has going while Deucette is unconscious is absolutely all Bellamy Blake (though here I have a few remarks in terms of exactly HOW the writing was done but that’s because I pay a lot of attention to who the writers for the episodes are and how long they’ve been on the show-so for example Drew Lindo who also wrote 6x10 and the CPR scene I think writes very IN Bellamy’s voice unlike Sean Crouch who has weird lines here and there not just for Bellamy but for the other characters as well and he wrote that episode and while I think he did a very fine job, like as a writer he defiitely is a good writer and put depth in it, I also think there were other maybe better equipped writers to reproduce Bellamy’s VOICE in the same manner to what and who Bellamy is from the moment we meet in him season one. Sean is a new writer in season 7 so of course maybe though I’m sure he put work in it, he doesn’t reach the depth and the voice of Bellamy whilst Drew for example has been there since season 5 and has a much better understanding of the characters, he has captured them and understood them. Again, I do think Sean did a great job in expressing Bellamy. In fact I think he did much better with him than he had with a few lines for a few other characters that seemed a little out of place.)

So all of that rant aside, yes I mean we see Bellamy in all his Bellamy-ness on Etherea-I love my friends, I fight for my friends and I don’t believe in BS propaganda because when has he ever believed in anything. Like hope comes form himself, always, even when Clarke lacked it, he did not. 

That is of course because of the way he was raised by his mother, we should never forget why he is never hopeless about their survival even when everyone else was-Aurora said I will raise a forbidden child in a horrible post-apocalypctic society with awfully strict rules and that child WILL survive and Bellamy saw it happen, he was gd part of it. So of course he has hope for life.

For Aurora giving up was never a choice. No matter what.

So is it for Bellamy. Mind you even O/ctavia which is very much understandable, gives up on couple of occassions throughout the show. Even as a child we see her say “Sometimes I wish I was never even born” whilst Bellamy tells to Jasper in one of my fave episodes in season 4 DNR upon Jasper saying “You could stay too,you know” to which Bellamy responds “I’m not a quitter.”

He can not kill himself.

So that deviation aside yes he is a beacon of hope for all and he and Clarke had always relied on surviving being made possible by their own hands.

He doesn’t need to believe in something he can perhaps in most cases achieve himself, right?

But then comes the thing.

What is the price of achieving it yourself? What it does to your soul?

that is the question the show asks when we begin and it tries to keep that motto to the end but fails.

Bellamy is tired, of course he is and I like etheria as an episode because it is very psychological (even direction wise and especially hallucination wise, like the director killed it there but that’s for another post). And when Deucette tells him-there’s something hovering around you like a shroud he’s absolutely right. (though it is later twisted by the other characters to justify his death which BS) and Bellamy I believe absolutely knows this. It’s just not something he’s ever acknowledge-that darkness in him that hovers both inside and all around him. It’s there-it’s the guilt of all the mistakes he’s done and the death of all the innocent people he’s killed starting with Mt.Weather and everything onwards.

So of course he wants peace. I think it’s so natural for him to want it. It’s actually want I’ve wanted him to want and crave for himself for so long. Because he’s never had peace. Never, since he was 7 all he’s had is fear and death in his life. I’ve always wanted him to realize that he wants MORE for himself. To live for himself, to want peace for himself. 

Clarke’s had peace, like i’ve discussed in my previous ask, but he’s never had it.

So as maybe difficult as it is to watch for some people I understand why he goes on his knees and starts praying, why he sees the light in the darkness and most importantly I believe his mom plays a really big role here in him choosing to believe Transcedence because her death is his first real sin. 

And on and on we can talk more but no I don’t think he’s ooc. Is the situation as a whole, like the circumstances effed up? Yes, absolutely. The thing is he’s always been left out of big storylines. People ask why he never got the chip in season 3 and that is a very good question. I think this is similar to that-it is in many ways a repeating of this SL so he could’ve absolutely taken the chip there, in the circumstances he was in it was even MORE believable that he would but now it isn’t believable that he choses peace, that he wants transcendence?

I defiitely think he is the only one who continues Monty’s idea of peace. the only one. Clarke says she gets it but she never actually does anything to like..prove it.

And as far as the idea of transcendence as a whole for the show goes I think the answer here is very very simple-Jroth wanted to do something out of the ordinary, something not cliche, something MORE but he failed for me. For him an ending where they all find peace as people (eligius, grounders, skaikru, sanctum population) and live happily ever after, a moment where Clarke looks over all of them and just smiles as she exists her cabin and lives in peace with her daugher is just too-

what...I believe he’d call it fangirlish.

But all he did was repeat a SL we’ve seen our characters battle against. (ALIE) and in fact much better done back then, in fact ALIE’s world is much more believable and alluring than transcendece....so...

[lamalefix]

A whisper of smoke 1/5

[Buddie fic; Heavy Angst; Angst with a Happy Ending; Hurt/Comfort; Emotional Hurt/Comfort; Established Relationship; Major Character Injury; Blood and Injury; I don't know how to English; I Don't Even Know how to tag; I don't even know why; Author.exe has stopped working]

[read this work on ao3]

This really started as a short CPR story inspired by @buckleystrand (here the original post, and i Highly suggest you to go there and find out all the works that Haley's marvelous brain prompted!) but how it escalated quickly in this massive thing? As the tags say, I don't even know. CPR is, you know, the opposite of romantic. Peolpe stop to know how to function, when their loved one is unconscious, not responsive, and everyone is in panic. You push the chest of a person so hard, two inches down - it's massive -, that you can actually broke their ribs and, well... there's a lot of other things but... but urgh the angsty part of it? I'm all in for that!

Remember to perform (i really hope you won’t have to!) CPR only on unconscious, not responding, not breathing people. And please be sure to call for emergency.

“Buck this is an order. You have to move, look for a way out...” Bobby grumbles, peremptory, like a boss now. Even though his eyes show so much concern. “Find the way out, Buck, we are looking for you from outside, okay?”. “There could be, yes. But ... Cap?” he says, tentative over the radio. “It’s all dark and... and... and I think I’m hurt...” he says and hears him just chuckle. “I’m bleeding...” he continues to say and coughs. “But… but it doesn’t hurt”. Shit. Shit. Shit. This isn’t a good sign. Eddie has seen many injuries, even before being a firefighter. And this is not a good sign, if one doesn’t feel pain, it isn’t a good sign. Or, Buck gets trapped in a burning building but... there really is always a way out? No one gets left behind, right?

   It’s a dim, soft light that wakes them up every morning. It leaks in from the curtains that are gently drawn, a thin gap between their edges. Buck doesn’t like complete darkness, and honestly Eddie might even sleep on stones. Especially after weary shifts like theirs.

Then there is that breakfast, usually quick, cereals and milk, because in order to steal a moment alone, two kisses too many, the hands that run along their bodies, in that blessed moment when they still don’t have to wake Christopher up, they then get stuck in the bathroom, hands still intertwined in the hair, or pressing on the flesh, small moans that rise, in the shower, and then they have hurry to dress and look like responsible adults.

And there is the way to school, the songs Buck and Christopher sing out loud. And maybe for a moment, just one, Eddie thought he would get a headache from hearing them sing, the very same song over and over again. And instead it is the best time of his morning. Even better than that little friction between their bodies, before waking Christopher.

Then there are the greetings, the recommendations in front of the school entrance, and that little moment of silence before restarting the car, as they watch Christopher hurry to join his classmates.

Then the way to get to the station, where all the others are waiting for them, and there is Evan who smiles in that incredibly bright and happy way.

.

Eddie repeats it and repeats it in all over again in his head, it’s like his anchoring mechanism. And sometimes he needs it, to repeat their morning routine in its every single fraction.

Eddie is a creature of habit, he likes to follow his patterns, his routines, perhaps due to all those years spent in the army. That’s why his life works so well, because they have habits, routines. Evan has messed them up a little, but in the best possible way. Inserting new little gears that alternate perfectly with those that Eddie had already set up in Christopher’s life. They are all happier, they are all more relaxed, and even when there is a small hitch, a small bump in the road, he just has to reach out to Evan, and he makes everything better.

.

And there are hard days, yes, there are always hardships, and there are times when reaching out and taking his hand isn’t enough, but it has never been like this. It has never been so atrocious.

.

.

.

At the fire academy, they immediately make it clear that the fire emits signals that can help firefighters determine the state of development of the fire and, above all, the changes that can occur.

This ability is essential for determining the appropriate strategy and tactics to be used, before moving to act.

Reading the fire means being able to make decisions based on your knowledge and not on simple guesswork or luck.

But then again, luck is a pivotal part of their work.

During a rescue situation, there is a large amount of information that can be found in a matter of seconds, just in a blink of an eye.

When firefighters are faced with fires in closed places, like homes or rooms, they must take into account certain specific signals, in order to have indications on the conditions and evolution of the situation.

The smoke, its colour, its density, its pulsations, its volume and its positioning and the height of the neutral zone.

Air currents, their speed and direction, those ominous whistles.

The heat, the darkening of the windows and little or no presence of flames, the wrinkling and the formation of bubbles on the colored walls, the sudden increase in heat.

The color, volume and location of the flames.

Among all, the smoke is the first alarm bell, the one that could decree the success of a rescue action, which with its murmurs, with its whisper, allows to make a first assessment of the risks, to decide the dynamics, the actions to follow.

Fires are all very different, if not unique, yet all the same. They all have the same destructive outcome. And they are all equally deadly.

The difference lies in the methods of intervention, in the rapidity of response, in the ability to read the signals and anticipate the fire.

.

.

.

Buck was sitting across from him in the truck. He was reading something, all focused, on his phone, he had started at the station and was continuing on the truck. He usually talks a lot, pumped up with adrenaline before he arrives on the scene, but he was still clearly all sulky and pouting about that little argument that the two of them had. Discussing with him is also fun, Eddie would say, almost indispensable. 

Buck is selfless and stubborn, he is one who throws himself headfirst into situations, without even thinking about the consequences. And this makes him the wonderful person he is, the amazing firefighter he is. But Eddie just wants him to take better care of himself. And maybe he raised his voice and Evan snorted a dull grunt and decided to go and clean his locker, something he often does when he wants to clear his mind. And maybe one could wonder what is in his locker that instantly calms him down after rearranging it. But today he was still pouting, all sullen, on the truck, so he decided to read that something on his phone, maybe his current fixation.

They didn’t have time to clear up, the alarm went off before they could apologize to each other, which made him even more intractable as he slipped in turnout gear over the station garments, and had the usual problem of fastening that stupid clip between pants and suspenders.

Maybe Eddie isn’t even sure if he remembers what he told him; the captain interrupted them before the discussion escalated. But he must have said something stupid. When Eddie is worried, he always says something stupid. And Buck weighs his words more than he should.

He reached out, just before they got on the scene, and Buck returned his grip, as usual. A small smile curving his lips. And then they saw it, that whitish smoke.

When they arrived in what was supposed to be a nice neighborhood, before the economic crisis, the smoke was white. And when the smoke isn’t dark, well, that's not a good sign: it means that pyrolysis products accumulate, and there is an absurd heat inside the scene.

It was pure chaos over there. People in the streets and police all over. While they were pulling on the scene, arrived two more ambulances from station 154. And what was happening over there, for sure, was something gruesome: a house fire doesn’t usually need that amount of firefighters but there were at least 3 kids to rescue. Maybe more.

There was a cop barking orders through gritted teeth before he started updating Bobby about the situation. Four kids, a lighter and an abandoned house. A stunt. A stupid joke. All still inside except one, who had decided to lock them inside the house and run away.

And when his friends didn’t find a way out, he needed to call the 911. 

.

The volume of the smoke allows to determine the magnitude of a fire and with a relative accuracy its location. In certain cases there is no correlation between the two facts, and this can give false information on the location, size and state of development. Smoke can move through ventilation ducts or part of the space and appear in unexpected places. The basic principle is that hot fumes tend to rise vertically, and when they reach horizontal obstacles, they look for new vertical loopholes. The longer the path, the more the fumes cool down, mixing partially with the air they encounter.

Opening the door with the ram made the fire develop and inflate, but it was the only way to get in there. The neutral zone started lowering and the fumes thickening. The air was already so fucking hot.

And they  launched in the rescue. They immediately found two of the three kids on the first floor. They were unconscious and therefore Eddie and Buck left them to the expert hands of paramedics, the rest of the 118 who was trying to tame the flames, still not too high and swollen, that didn’t even crackle that much.

Usually, when an opening is created, hot gases come out of the upper side of said opening and fresh air enters through the lower side. A sudden and complete movement of this air flow towards the interior of the room indicates the imminence of a backdraft. In some cases, this can be followed by a reflux movement, so the backdraft occurs a few moments later.

The smoke seemed to pulsate through the small cracks in the wall, through the half-open and lopsided doors, the fire was feeding itself, and with the front door wide open and the windows broken by the pressure exerted by the heat, the air increased the destructive power and the fire has grown in breadth.

The two of them had to hurry.

The change in the wind was enough to put the elements of combustion in motion and in a blink of an eye that house has become hell.

The air flow has become rapid and turbulent the neutral zone has begun to lower more and more, more and more, the pulsations of smoke and air flow have increased the rhythm in a swirl of flames and soot, burning dust, and they seemed to walk on the edge of a volcano.

As they went up to the second floor, they also found the other boy, unconscious and with his leg stuck in a rough beam in the floor.

They were on the stairs, a few meters from the door, when they weird that strange cry, a sound coming from the basement. Like a cry for help.

The temperature had become even higher, even warmer, the wallpaper, the little that had remained attached to the walls and had survived the wear and tear of time, was swelling.

He looked at Buck. He looked at him as he looked at him many times, such despair in his eyes, while he was shaking his head slowly. “We have to go,” he said, “we have to go, we have to get out of here”. 

They didn’t have time to look for other people, to look for other collateral damage. Or they could become it, they could become the collateral damage.

Yet Eddie would have done it, if they had been reversed, if Buck had the boy passed out in his arms, then Eddie would have gone looking for that person calling out for help. He has taken all those shitty decisions too many times, for the sake of good, to save people and not for an absurd hero complex, certainly not. Because maybe he still doesn’t believe it, but Buck is an ace in his job, maybe he’s better than all of them put together, so fucking smart and zealous. And maybe Eddie is so, so selfish since they got together, that he just wants his own good, he just wants his heart not to break. He has already lost so much, they have already lost so much.

That’s why he didn’t want it to happen, for any of them to become the collateral damage of a couple of junior high students’ joke.

“Go on, take him out,” Buck said, hurrying to the door. “I’m right behind you, one last check. No one gets left behind...”.

“Don’t pull your stunts now, get out!” Eddie grumbled.

And then there was the whistle.

.

.

. 

It happened in the blink of an eye. 

A moment earlier, they were leaving that house, and the next moment Eddie is face down on the concrete, a couple of feet away from the door, or from what is left of it. The thirteen-year-old boy still clasped in his arms, the air being torn out full force of his chest. Something, someone pushed him away.

It happened in a blink of an eye.

And the backdraft must have brought down the roof of the house, the temperature was so high that a flashover exploded in all its arrogance. At some point the fire must have grown so high that the heat released by the various levels of fumes has reached such an intensity to trigger a self-ignition of all combustible materials.

And now that he looks at the lopsided skeleton of what had once been a beautiful house, and sees that part of the roof yielded, taking half of the facade away, Eddie shivers: a moment too much and he would have been stuck there. No way out. No way in.

He can’t even understand what happened, his ears whistling with the noise, the dark and rainy night above him, a fuss of colors, the flashing lights of the fire trucks, the fire still sizzles on the walls, the tiles of what is left of the roof falling like burning embers, while the puffy black smoke now stands out towards the sky.

And it takes more than a moment, it takes more than a moment for Eddie to notice it, to realize that something is so very wrong.

And for a moment, in that confusion, someone needs to point it out to him.

It’s Bobby who points it out, the voice crackling on the radio. “Buck, do you copy?”.

No reply.

And it’s like a punch well placed on the ribs, something that Eddie remembers clearly, from a life before, stupid streetfightings and shitty decisions. It takes his breath away. And it’s certainly not the smoke that has that effect on his breathing rhythm.

Buck.

Buck pushed him out of there.

Buck is still inside. No way in. No way out.

And it’s like looking out of his own body, he doesn’t even notice his body moving to leave the boy in Hen and Chim’s care as he stands up and starts, with his knees trembling in a shock of adrenaline and terror, towards the pile of flames and debris.

Buck was behind him, and now he isn’t there.

“Buck? Buck?” the captain repeats before cutting a glare at Eddie, his eyes dark. “You should let Chim look over you Eddie,” he says a paternalistic tone in his voice.

And Eddie feels it, the emptiness, the silence of the other walkie, that digs in his chest, his heart in his throat waiting for an answer.

Nothing.

He is already out of breath, when a disturbing, gruesome roar comes from the house, the roof that folds again, in a strangely comic and blood-curdling way. While a part of the second-floor yields and crushes down. The plywood that splashes with glass and soot.

And Eddie has to stay calm. He has to keep calm, he has to control himself. Even if his whole body would like to run there, he would like to dig, even with bare hands, between the flames and the debris, he would like to pull away the burning embers of that house, to open a passage, to pull him out.

No way in. No way out.

“Cap” he manages to say, his voice like a whisper as he looks at all that devastation. “Bobby… Bobby, we have to go in there, we have to help him... he’s still in there, someone was there... we heard... he was right behind me...”.

A stunt. It was just a stupid joke, fun for four kids. Damn foolish kids.

And before he loses what’s left of his breath in his lungs, before the panic fogs his eyes, he repeats again and again their morning routine.

Again and again.

Until he hears it, the familiar noise of the radio croaking.

And his raspy voice that comes directly from that hell. “... -by” he can hear on the other end. “Bobby” Evan repeats more forcefully.

The realization that he is alive, the shower of relief that collapses on him, immediately seems acid rain: Buck is alive, yes, but he is in there. Hen and Chim approach them after entrusting the last boy to the other paramedics, the ambulance ready to go to the hospital.

“I’m here Buck,” Bobby says, his eyes locked on Eddie.

“Thank God…” comes again from the walkie. “I thought... I feared...” Evan stammers. “I was afraid it was broken and... luckily...”.

“Buck you have to tell me where you are,” Bobby orders, his tone more like a father’s than a captain’s.

There is a long sigh and then a small series of coughs. “Is Eddie out there? He’s safe, Eddie... is Eddie safe? The kid? They are fine?” he mutters confusedly.

Hen taking a tight breath between her gritted teeth, Chim next to her with wide eyes.

“Yes, I’m out here Buck,” Eddie hurries to answer, the radio in his trembling hands. “I’m here, I’m fine, but you must tell us where you are... we have to come get you”.

“You are fine…” Buck repeats, the vaguely incredulous tone mixed with a satisfaction in a broken sigh. “Ah, thank God” he repeats.

“Evan,” Eddie calls him. “Please tell me where you are, we are coming to get you”.

Buck mumbles something disjointed, something incomprehensible. “... shit” he can only understand. “Basement. I think... the house has come down... shit. I don’t see anything, it’s dark... the neutral zone is... it’s getting down... I...” his words out strangled in his throat.

Eddie cannot move his gaze from the house, his knees still trembling, his hands burning from the desire to run there and help. He’s always been rebellious at heart, but never openly: he’s good at following orders, but he must, absolutely must go to Evan, help him out. As resilient as one may be, even a fighter like him, can’t get out of a collapsed house on his own.

There is another noise, deaf, and it comes even louder from the walkie. What remains of the house folds, menacingly.

“Evan!” Eddie shouts, the desperation that tears his voice apart. And he finds the strength to move his legs. The cortisol that runs in his body, the adrenaline that pumps into every corner of his cells. He has to get him out of there, surely there is something, even a little thing he can do, a road he can open.

“Cap the others... are the others there?” Evan asks slowly, the voice that sounds mixed with something, with sadness, pain.

“Buck you have to try to move, old houses like this one always have an access for the basement, can you see it? Maybe with a little luck... we can find it over here and we’ll catch you halfway and...” Bobby mumbles.

“Cap...” comes raw from the other end of the radio, Buck’s voice tired. “Everything is coming down, here, Bobby.” he clarifies. “It’s not worth it, coming in to save me. It’s not worth it… You have ... you all have a family to go back to... you are too... too important. It’s not... I’m not worth it.” he murmurs.

An impossible rage mounts in Eddie’s throat when he picks up the walkie again. “Don’t say bullshit like this. Tell me where you are. You are alive. As long as you’re alive, we don’t give up, you understand? You have a family too, Evan. Please. Don’t say this kind of things…”. And the thing that hurts the most isn’t only the fact that he said it out loud, that he said that he isn’t worth it, the most painful thing is that Evan believes it.

“Eddie...” he hears him sigh, a strange tone in his voice.

“Buck this is an order. You have to move, look for a way out...” Bobby grumbles, peremptory, like a boss now. Even though his eyes show so much concern. “Find the way out, Buck, we are looking for you from outside, okay?”.

“There could be, yes. But... Cap?” he says, tentative over the radio. “It’s all dark and... and... and I think I’m hurt...” he says and hears him just chuckle. “I’m bleeding...” he continues to say and coughs. “But… but it doesn’t hurt”.

Shit. Shit. Shit. This isn’t a good sign. Eddie has seen many injuries, even before being a firefighter. And this is not a good sign, if one doesn’t feel pain, it isn’t a good sign.

“He’s going into shock,” says Hen. “We have to get him out of there, soon Cap”.

That’s enough. That’s enough. They waited too long for act. They are separated and he has to go and rescue him, he has to help him, he can do it, Eddie has saved a convoy, Eddie managed to get out alive from a hell of water, a hell very similar to what Buck went through with the tsunami, or everything else they had faced, both of them and have always found a way to back to each other, they fought their way back to each other, even before getting together.

“Buck, you have to move. It’s an order,” Bobby repeats. “Do you understand? I’m ordering you, Buck”.

Eddie moves quickly: Evan cannot do it alone, not in there, not if he is injured and sees nothing, and it’s dark. But as long as he is alive, as long as he is alive, they can’t surrender, they can’t give up.

“Don’t screw it up, Eddie” the captain grumbles, standing in front of him. “Eddie, you have a son waiting for you at home, and...” he stops and looks at him, his eyes shiny with unshed tears. And Eddie is about to yell at him that Evan has the very same kid, the very same son waiting for him at home too, but Bobby continues. “We have to have a plan to get in, Eddie and you have to get in with at least other people, because if he’s hurt that bad as it seems, you’ll need help to get him out. If you enter from here, what remains of the house could collapse, we need a secondary access, something that has resisted”.

“What if there isn’t any? Nobody is left behind, Bobby. Buck won’t be left behind…” he replies.

“Cap?” the walkie crackles again and Bobby turns his gaze away from Eddie that moment, his hand still holding his shoulder tight.

“I’m here, Buck.” the captain says softly.

“It’s hell in here.” Evan manages to say, and seems to articulate with difficulty. “Don’t come in. It’s not worth... I try... I try to search, okay? Just… it’s… it’s… what’s the word? Dangerous”.

“Of course, it’s worth it, you’re in there! And danger is our job!” growls Chim. “Buckaroo what are you saying? You start looking, we are looking from here... there is definitely a way to reach you, Buck, do you understand?”.

A strange noise can be heard as he speaks, and then a fatigued puff, and again he has shortness of breath and he coughs, and there is a series of words that Eddie can’t understand, but then... “Three nephews… nieces, I don’t care… I just want three” Evan says. And it seems a disconnected, confused speech. “Chim... three kids. I want... I want... take care of Maddie… tell her it’s not scary. It doesn’t even hurt…” he mumbles and pulls a series of coughs that seem to take away all his energy, all his breath. “It isn’t a good sign that it doesn’t hurt... is it?"

Chim turns his gaze to Eddie, but doesn't say a thing.

Eddie can’t help but take another step, getting Bobby’s hand off his shoulder. “I have to go. I have to... he can’t stay under there... I need to take him home”.

“Chim?” they hear him say and everyone turns to the paramedic.

“I’m here, Buckaroo,” says Chim, his eyes shiny, and then he dries his eyes with his harm.

“Maddie doesn’t want a big wedding… she... something intimate... but... you should definitely invite our parents... they didn’t come when she... when she got married to Doug, but...” Evan mumbles, muffled and pained words. “Chim... you’re the best thing that could have ever happened to Maddie,” he adds. “And you will be a good father... so, three kids”.

“Buck...” Chim continues to say , trying to stop him.

And Eddie and Hen hurry to retrieve their full equipment and look, look for the policeman, the one who barked the orders before, because maybe he knows something about the house, or that boy, that boy who orchestrated this stunt, maybe he knows about another way in.

But then they hear Evan talk again. “If... if you have any doubts or... or hardships... ask... Hen and Karen... Bobby and Athena... Michael...” he says softly, and Eddie can figure out that he is smiling, down there, Evan is smiling. Somehow. “Ask Eddie... we know... wonderful parents and... you... you will be among them... you and Maddie will be...” he stops again and coughs.

They all hear the small dull sob that escapes Chim. “Don’t talk like that, huh? I don’t like, you know... tell me about... what were you reading today, tell me about this... While Cap tries to figure out how to reach you”.

Eddie hears him coughing on the radio, and decides he doesn’t even have time to look for secondary access. He will put on a sling and throw himself into the fire if necessary. He won’t leave Buck down there.

“A… nice article1.” Evan says and inhales deeply, there is a dark, ominous whistle in his breath. “Like... like a team of neuroscientists has discovered… found that... there is a way to communicate... to let comatose patients communicate with their loved ones,” he adds. And there is a strange and background noise, it is as if he is moving something. “I see something, I see...” he mumbles. “I think there is... there is access, or an exit... in this case...” he mutters. “Cap?”.

“I’m here, Buck. Try to reach it. We search from the outside, okay?” says Bobby. “Tell us more about that nice article, keep talking to us, Buck,” he adds, taking the equipment too and going with Eddie and Hen towards the skimpy skeleton of that house.

“What did these neuroscientists do?” Chim asks. “Keep talking to me Buck, we have to hear your voice, okay? And you have to stay awake, because if it doesn’t hurt, it’s a bad sign, you’re right. But if you talk to me, it’s good, trust me”.

Buck groans. “With... with a microphone and MRI... they’ve found that... that if patients think about doing an exercise they can answer the questions and... I... it’s hard to explain...” he mutters and breathes a long sigh, which however is broken by a series of coughs. “The fact is that...” mutters and then they hear him curse, a raw sob escaping his throat.

Eddie, Hen and Bobby move to find that fucking side entrance. It must be near the house, but with a little luck the debris left it free.

And here it is, here it is. Under an entire pile of rubble, they see something glistening. With the torches they identify it as padlock. A secondary entrance, like the entrance of an anti-hurricane refuge.

“Buck here we are, here we are!” Bobby tells him, starting to pull the beams and pipes away. “We are coming to get you”.

But the house growls a dark ominous sound, and folds even more. Eddie starts to pull Hen and Cap back, and a part of him, the selfish one regrets doing just so, while what remains of the facade collapses blocking the secondary entrance.

And now he is no longer able to control himself, now he starts throwing all that stuff away with his hands. Without thinking about the rest of the house that threatens to come down, above his head. Evan has to get out of there, Evan has to go home with him and Christopher, and they have to finish planning their summer holidays, go to the science fair at school, to the end of year play. They still have to try Ben & Jerry’s new ice cream flavours. And they have to do many other things. Better fit the time they have available.

They must have more time.

Bobby is next to him now, pulling the debris away with him. “Buck? Buck do you copy?”.

And it isn’t that long until the radio croaks: “The door... the door is blocked...” they hear Evan say all raspy and tired and a sob escapes his lips. “The door... I... I can’t─”.

“The rest of the 118 is taming the flames, Buckaroo, don’t worry , we’re coming, okay?” Hen murmurs, her voice still vibrant with her unwavering optimism and faith.

“Talk to me, Buck, you were saying... the fact is that?” they hear Chim prompt on the other side of the walkie. “Talk to me, continue, please”.

The house growls again, a deep and hard rumble, which makes Eddie shiver. Bobby pulls Eddie away just in time to prevent that what’s left of the roof from falling on him and serving him an horrible end.

It’s surreal then.

The dust and ash, rise in a whirlwind of wind, as a light spring rain begins to fall. The smoke that stands out again white and glimmering in the starless night.

Eddie freezes. They can no longer see the end of all that pile of rubble. They will need a bulldozer, or at least the others, all the people who can help them get rid of all this.

“Buck?” they hear Chim say in panic, and they see him rush to where they are. He curses under his breath.

“Evan? Evan, answer me!” Eddie shouts into the radio and launches back to the house.

“...smoke... it’s white again and... it’s a lot...” they hear him say, his voice that croaks in the walkie. “And it’s throbbing... so...”.

“A smoke explosion? Are you sure, Buck?” Bobby deduces as he reaches Eddie. “We have to go, we can’t stay here”.

“No! No! He’s down there, if there’s a smoke explosion, if... if there is even a possibility... we... he─will...” he murmurs.

“Eddie” they hear him say. And Eddie’s heart gets tighter in his chest. “Everything is alright. It’s not scary, it’s not that scary, it doesn’t even hurt... it will be a blink, huh? You know how it works... it won’t hurt… I won’t even notice, it’s all good. I’m good. I’m good”.

And Eddie knows, he knows him so much better than himself maybe, he really knows how scared he is. He knows how scary it is being alone, being trapped, no way in, no way out. But Eddie, unlike Evan, was lucky enough to find a way back.

“Ev, mi amor?” he murmurs, his lips on his radio. “You have to fight your way back here. We can't help you, but you are strong, cariño. You are brave, and resilient. You are a warrior, you are going to come back to me.” he adds, and maybe his words aren’t at all comforting for Evan, but he has to know at least that, even if they can’t actually go in there, Eddie has unbreakable faith in him.

Hen hurries to join the others, to bring them closer with the hydrants and hoses, to reduce the destructiveness of the impending explosion, while Bobby is almost as helpless as Eddie, while trying to drag him away. They don’t have an action plan, they have nothing, they can’t dig, not by hand, they wouldn’t do it in time.

Evan groans, a pained sound that scratches from the walkie.

And Eddie has to stay in control, he has to have control over his emotions, because despair would be useless, now. Not now, not yet. Not now that they can still find a way to get him out.

“Buck,” Chim starts to say again.

“The article. Yes…” he murmurs. “It seems that... that when they made the patients’ loved one talk over the microphone and... well...” he stops and takes a choked trembling breath. "Their brains have... like... all lit up like the night of July 4th” and Eddie hears him chuckle his amused laugh softly. “I was reading the interview... of one of the... the... neuroscientists and...” he stops again and inhales another short, trembling sigh. “When the brain all lights up like that means that... it means that you experience the people you love with your whole body... with everything you have of yourself. And the brain lights up like that because… because the brain is what makes us, us... and therefore...” he swallows, and it seems painful.

And Eddie bites a raw, ugly sob, Bobby’s hand tightening his grip on his shoulders, as he pulls him away .

“No! No!” Eddie growls trying to break free from him, but with little success, his strength that fails him, the adrenaline that gradually gives in to confusion and weakness.

“We had to get married, Eds.” he hears Evan say in a such a low voice, a quiet tone. “But I’m sure my brain didn’t need a ring on my finger to… to light up like the night of July 4th”.

Eddie feels his knees turn to butter as they yield under him. “You’re not going away Evan, you’re not going away, now we find a way, you hear me? You understand, Evan?” he manages to say, but his voice it’s like a whisper, broken by sobs, the tears that drop slide bitter on his face, and then he starts up again and launches himself towards the pile of rubble, he must free that fucking door, he must, he must get him out.

But Bobby holds him back, pulls him back and the both of them capitulate to the now muddy ground. And he holds him tightly against himself, and maybe he even says something but Eddie, Eddie genuinely can’t hear anything but Buck’s faint, choked laboured, breath.

And there is a moment of silence and there is only the pouring of the water of the hydrants and the rain. Then there is a dull sound, which comes from the radio and Eddie’s heart grows small while he holds his breath.

A moment later there is a long sigh, which croaks loudly on the walkie. “I don’t wish you all sort of gifts…” they can all hear him mumble, his voice kneaded and tired. “I wish you all, time... there was... there was a poem... by Elli Michler, if I remember correctly... Dir Zugedacht2... my nanny liked it so much... she always repeated it to me on my birthday... I only remember the… the… openin’ lines but…” he says, sniffing. “I wish you all what the poem says. I wish you time. I don’t remember well, I only know that... I only know that... hit home. To have time... to have time is a good thing... for everything you love for those you love... I wish you... time to live.” he adds softly and pulls a small feeble breath while sobbing loudly. “It’s not scary because you are there. And I’ve always been afraid to die alone, I’m always the one who’s left behind. But you are there, and I... you were the best thing that ever happened to me, with all the hitches, the bumps in the road... and anger. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” he slurs biting back a sob.

And Eddie really needs to say something, to say something, he needs to find the right words, comforting him, but mostly he has to say that Evan should never, never apologize. But…

“Take care of yourself… take care of Maddie, and keep an eye on Eddie please...” he adds sniffling. "You should move away now... there’s a lot of white smoke here... and my oxygen tank has started whistling a while ago so… I don’t think it will take long for everything to blow up,” he gulps, and doesn’t wait for any of them to say anything.

And Eddie can’t move, he can’t leave him. He won’t ever leave him. He’s somehow the one who’s left behind. And it’s funny because once he was the one who always left.

“Eddie?” Evan says softly, after a short minute of silence.

And Eddie sees the others turning off the radio, to leave them a moment.

“Evan, don’t... just don’t” he begins to say . “Don’t, please…”.

“Eddie” Evan quips slowly. “Listen to me,huh? You made me so fucking immensely happy. And I hope I made you even half as happy as you’ve made me...” he sighs and hears him making a lot of noise, he seems to be moving something, he seems to be still looking a way to get out. “You know I’d do anything to get back to you, Eddie, to fight my way back… But, let’s face reality. As shitty as it is.” he mumbles. “I may not get out of here and...”.

“Evan please...” Eddie manages to say, trying not to break now.

“Let me tell you, okay? Let me tell you… Let me talk to you a bit more...” he murmurs. “Because If I stop talking I’m positive... I’m sure I won’t have the strength to...” the voice that comes out hoarse from his throat, like a gasp. “I love you, and you are my forever”.

And it  like a statement, strong and clear, and it takes Eddie’s breath away the sole idea that clearly there’s a but, after that incipit. And he grits his teeth and waits, biting back on his tears, the inside of his cheek that hurts between his gritted teeth. 

“But, I don’t have to be yours. I don’t have to be your forever. One day you will move on, you will move on and… you will get through this, and you'll have to do it for Christopher and for yourself... And when you’ll think about me, if you do, I hope your brain lights up at least a little bit, always...” he adds sniffling. “You made me, oh… so very happy.” he repeats. “And, please... tell Christopher I wasn’t afraid, it wasn’t scary. Even if... yeah it’s dark and... and it’s a little scary…” he heaves out a pained sigh. “Maybe in another life you and I will be luckier. But I’m already lucky enough, you know? Because you... you chose me. Because you never left me. I’m sorry to be the one who leaves you.” he murmurs, and inhales again, and it seems to hurt a lot.

“Evan.” he croaks out, his voice choked in his throat. “You have to, you have to fight a little more for me... it will only take a lot more water and... we will get you out, okay? You just have to... you survived a bomb ... a tsunami... an embolism... a…” and he bites back a raw sob. He can’t cry, Evan doesn’t need him crying now, Evan needs a strong version of this broken shell he is now. He can’t cry. Not now. He must be strong, he must be in control, he must do it for Evan. “You just have to grit your teeth a little bit more, okay? Buy us a bit of time...”.

And maybe Evan is answering him when it happens, maybe Evan says something to him, but his voice is swallowed by the roar, by that impossible roar. That loud roar, that sudden bang that rips the sky open. And from the remains of that house a blaze of dust and wind rises, the rain now beats more insistently, and the hydrants splash at full power.

The debris that splash away. And there’s a fuss of people who crouch to avoid being collateral damage too.

.

And Eddie is there.

Without voice to shout.

Without tears to cry.

Without words to scream.

His broken heart that drums in his ears, it’s the only noise he can hear.

His hand and his knees in the mud while adrenaline lives his body altogether and he freezes there.

Broken.

Hollow.

Empty.

He bites the air in front of his nose as he pulls off his helmet. Bobby pulling him back, in a strange and awkward embrace.

And then Eddie no longer hears a thing.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

There is a moment, a very specific time when their rescue actions become body recoveries. Usually they wait, they wait for the flames to be completely tamed, that the area is secured, they wait it all to end.

And that’s what happens, once again. Even today.

Eddie is on the ground, Hen who tried to pull him up not so long ago, when Bobby left him, collapsed next to him and hugged him. And he doesn’t know how long they’ve been there.

And he tries to repeat his routine. The old one.

His and Christopher’s morning routine. He tries, so hard, to remember how it was before, how it was before, without Buck, without Evan twisting it, sweeping his world beneath his feet. His anchoring mechanism, his coping mechanism. Eddie must remain in control, for Christopher, for Christopher and for his own heart, all shattered and broken.

But then he thinks about his son, and he tries to imagine what it will be like tomorrow. How will it be to tell Christopher that, that Evan… that his Bucky won’t ever return home.

And then the world starts moving again, the world starts moving again, or better it never stopped.

Bobby is saying something, orders in mouth. Chim has the phone in his hands and his eyes are devastated by the sole idea of having to call Maddie, heavily pregnant Maddie. And Eddie can’t feel anything except that emptiness. Undying and transcendent. That weighs on him and digs into what’s left of his shattered heart.

And for a moment Eddie imagines him coming out of the rubble like a phoenix. Something epic, something impossible, something heroic. Something that, sure, only Buck could do. 

But it’s all just illusions and, and sad impossible dreams.

However resilient one may be, however strong one may be, none can survive this.

 It’s a moment, but then he hears Hen gasp and shift, forcing him to move too, from where he collapsed against her.

“Eddie, Eddie!” she calls him, her voice vibrant with confused, mixed emotions, or maybe Eddie can’t, just can’t understand what’s filling her voice.

But then he moves his gaze over the house and sees him.

Evan? Evan!

And even before feeling his own body move, he’s already launching himself towards him, towards Evan who struggles out of that pit made of rubble and embers and flames, he drags himself out of there, trudging with his legs shaking.

And Eddie leaps forward and runs, runs at breakneck speed, until he arrives and supports him. His body colliding with Buck’s, who lets out an huffed, pained groan, their turnout coats screeching in that strange embrace. Evan can’t stand for long and his legs give in as he collapses and takes away with all his weight Eddie’s stability.

And Eddie forgot his army training alongside his firefighter training, all protocols swept away all together, he just forgot what you should do in cases like this, he forgot everything. His hands that tremble as they run to the helmet, but Chim and Hen are by him before he can even notice it and hurry to give Evan the help he needs.

They take off his helmet, and gently but steadily fasten a collar around his neck. And he has an open eye and a faint smile on his lips. And he looks for Eddie’s hand, in an uncoordinated movement, and he hurries to take that hand and grips it tight, and heaves out a shaky breath.

And Eddie doesn’t have words in his mouth, or in his head. He forgot how to work, how to function, and that’s okay. He has a very good reason not to know, Evan is alive and nothing else matters.

“Fuck” he can hear Chim say.

“It wa’t th’t bad bef’r" Evan slurs, his voice weak, as he points his open eye on Eddie and smiles more and tightens his faint grip on his hand. “I f’nd a... a niche... ah…” he coughs and blood mounts in his mouth. 

There’re hissing sounds when he breathes in and out. And finally, Eddie has the courage to move his gaze from Evan’s face to see that bright pinkish foaming blood that swells on his turn-out coat. He has a sucking chest wound. Dios.

Meanwhile Evan must have closed his eyes, because Hen hurries to massage his chest with his knuckles “Buckaroo, hey, we’ll take you to the hospital, okay? You have to stay awake, huh? Show us your baby blues, will ya?”.

And Evan barely opens his eyes and coughs painfully, hissing while sucking in air, he has all his teeth stained with blood and the sound of when he inhales is a horrible rattle that croaks deep in his throat. And slowly he closes his eyelids again.

Eddie feels it, that frenzy, he remembers the training, the field doctor who is in him is kicking in, but, but there is a protocol, and the protocol is there for a reason. Evan is his love, his future and with enough luck his forever, and Eddie most definitely can’t take care of him, as much as he would like, he wouldn’t think straight. And so, he only focuses his gaze on Evan, while with the help of his teeth he takes off his glove and rests his free hand on Evan’s face. “Ev, awake. You have to stay awake, for me, okay?”.

And when he manages to his eyes, Eddie is lost in him again. He wouldn’t be able to help him even with all his willpower and all that control that usually governs his life.

And therefore, he isn’t the one who moves, however he knows at first hand what to do in these cases, he really can’t move. Chim is the one who disinfects his hands quickly and put on sterile gloves, and hastens to open his turn-out coat, and removes all the loose clothing covering the wound. There’s something, like a botched bandage, all balled up to cover the wound, soaked with blood. And Eddie looks away again, all that blood, he doesn’t want to see all that blood, not on Evan, not on anyone else, but especially not on Evan. 

And Eddie doesn’t even want to understand what could have caused such an injury, he just wants to look at him, at his stupidly beautiful face even now, all pale and in pain, while the others have to hurry to cover the wound and stabilize him before taking him away.

He sees them moving in the periphery of his visual field, he sees Hen and Chim moving. It is probably Hen who moves quickly to cover the open wound with her hand, trying to put the right pressure, and the small groan that escapes from Buck’s lips gives him this confirmation.

“It’s alright,” Eddie says. “You are with us now, you are with us, everything is fine” he repeats slowly, and doesn’t really care how much his voice trembles or how chocked it may sound.

And Evan swallows painfully and looks at him, and Eddie opens his mouth and perhaps wants to say something, something more. The words of just before they echo in his head. 

It’s as if talking helps him stay alive, it’s like it’s the only thing that keeps him alive.

“Talk to me, mi amor, please” he only manages to say.

“Buckaroo?” Chim demands softly. “You have to exhale, okay? You have to exhale, take all the air out, please”.

And Evan with terrible difficulty manages to throw out all the air he can, coughing bitterly then. 

And Eddie doesn’t look up from his face, he just moves his free hand to cup his chick, to touch with the tip his thumb that adorable birthmark above his eye, which now, now that Evan is so pale and that the night slams on his face, now that the smoke is a faint, distant memory and there are their trucks spinning lights lighten up the night, it is even more evident.

Someone, maybe Bobby, is passing Chim some tape, to fix some medical plastic and gauze on the wound, and make sure that the air doesn’t get in.

And then, before they place him on the stretcher, someone from their team has brought there, they moves Evan on his side and he moans painfully.

“It’s all good, you’re fine, we’ll take you away, now,” murmurs Bobby .

Evan looks at him for a moment, his eyes a little confused and then he lets out a groan hoarser than the others, while he breathlessly draws his breath.

Eddie does nothing but hold his hand, then, as he accompanies him to the ambulance.

And while Hen is rushing at the driving seat, Eddie goes up behind with him: he doesn’t have the courage to leave him alone, even if he is with Chim, who is more than capable to take care of him and is already fixing his heart monitor, and a bag of blood, and a oxygen mask on his face. But Eddie doesn’t have the courage to leave Evan, never.

Bobby climbs in front and orders Hen to really mash his paw down, sirens blaring.

And Eddie closes his eyelids for a moment, and tries to catch up a breath, tries to swallow back the tears that are gathering in the corners of his eyes, and bends to kiss a edge of Evan’s forehead. His hair is flattened and wet with sweat, and reek of soot. He doesn’t even feel how long it will take for the hospital, he doesn’t even notice he is talking to Evan slowly, little comforting nothings in Spanish, something that reminds him of his abuela when he was sick, as a child, and she took care of him.

He cups his cheek, and Evan smiles weakly behind the mask, his eyes bleary and tired. “Luv’ ya” he murmurs.

“You are doing so good, Ev, you are so brave, and strong and...” he manages to say. “I love you too, so much. Hang on, mi amor”.

Evan closes his eyes for a moment, a second too long.

And its because Eddie is so focused on Evan, his eyes fixed on his face, that maybe he notices even before the heart monitor starts to alert with that mechanic whistle, that terrible, frightening sound, even before that Buck starts to gasp for a moment, even before that blood that mounts in his mouth again splashes on the facemask, even before that blood, like pinkish foam, pools under the medical film soaking the gauze that covers the wound.

Eddie turns him over on his Back, so that he has free access to his chest, and moves his head back to avoid the backflow, to help him breath. His chest motionless.

And in a matter of seconds, he places the heel o f his and on the centre of Evan’s chest, and the heel of his other hand on the top of the other lacing his fingers together. He keeps his arms straight and his shoulder directly over his hands. And starts compressing, pushing hard and fast on Evan’s chest. He lets the chest rise completely before pushing down again. And again, And again. And he doesn’t even notice that he repeats like a mantra, out loud Please, please, please, please, please ...

Until Chim moves on him with an AED in hand. And while turning it on he removes all the arranged dressing, attaches the AED pads before saying “Stand clear” and Eddie moves fast enough to let him press the shock button.

And when Evan doesn’t react, his body tense for a mere second, but his heart monitor doesn’t respond, Eddie throws himself on him again, continuing with the compressions.

Again.

Again.

Again.

And perhaps he also feels his ribs give in under his thrusts, under his compressions, but he can’t stop. He can’t stop.

And every time Chim presses the shock button, and Evan doesn’t respond, Eddie’s own heart leaps in his chest.

And Eddie doesn’t have the courage to look up, when those interminable two minutes pass, and Evan gives no signs of response. Because it’s all so dramatically similar to that other time, to that other circumstance. And he doesn’t have the courage, and he’s selfish and just, just wants Evan. He just wants Evan back.

And so he goes on and on, and Chim follows him, and occasionally presses the shock button, and increases the voltage, until they arrive a few miles from the hospital and Eddie looks up. The captain’s voice that echoes far in his ears. “Enough, Eddie, stop”.

Chim reaches out and puts his hands on his. His nose curled while he sniffles and shakes his head. And Eddie can’t connect, he doesn’t even recognize his voice, when that groan runs raw and hard from his throat. And collapses, exhausted, the shoulders that now hurt like hell, on Evan. On Evan who doesn’t breathe.

And maybe he doesn’t say it out loud. Or maybe he screams it. Or maybe he just murmurs it over his chest. Please. Please. Please. Stay with me. Please.

But he can’t hear her words, no sound coming from his chest.

Until there is that whistle in his breath, and that little cough and a dull grunt.

And there is that sigh of relief from Chim. “You gonna give me grey hair, Buckaroo” he hears him say.

And Eddie turns his gaze to Evan and, and, heck. Hot damn. He has his eyes open and the bewildered look.

And it takes an handful of seconds, nothing more, for them to pull in the hospital, the doors of the ambulance open in no time and there are doctors and nurses who are waiting for them out there and they take away Evan from his hands, and  Eddie isn’t able to say anything. 

Chim jumps out of there, updating the doctors and Bobby and Hen surround Eddie, as if it were him the one in needs of support. And perhaps he is, because he is exhausted now, now that his eyes become clouded, and he feels so empty, so hollow, and his colleagues, his family, must help him to stand up.

Or maybe it’s just because he’s all broke, again, now that they’re dragging Evan away, now that he can’t control the situation anymore. And he collapses in the end. There is nothing more to keep in check. Not even his emotions. Not now. He doesn’t have to be strong now. 

Not now. Not now that he has white smoke in his eyes and he feels dizzy altogether. Not now that he isn’t in control. Not now that he can’t watch over him. Not now that Evan is out of his reach.

___

A/N:  *Shields her head with a both her arms* - please don't kill me, at least let me finish all my WIPS! (let me live forever to do so, I'm a procrastinator!)Okay, so, without furhter ado... If you reached the end of this work without wanting to kill me? , you are now my favourite person in the world. Thank you so much for taking your time and use it to you know, read a angsty 9k words chapter, you could have cooked a whole course meal instead, or I don't know, read like 9 1k words stories *laughs nervously* Feel free to leave a comment, a kudo, bookmark, curse me, or whatever! I'm very open to all kinds of things! I hope you enjoyed (???) this first chapter as much as I did (i really did! - and I teared up a lot doing so, proofreading and rereading all over again to cut down something). I hope what you read was clear enough - I really can't English right now *ahahah*, so if you find something that makes your skin crawl, misspellings or mistakes of every sorts please let me know. You'll have to wait a week or so for the next one. Now a couple of marginalia: 1. Here one scientific article about MRI-mediated communication with comatose patients, you may also want to read all the implications about this study - and all the ones that came before and after this, the majority of which are open and you can google it. The implications of this study is really massive: I remember from my days back in university this amazing conference with my neuropsychology professor who talked about this and presented a very similar study, and it gave me literal chills and tears. What Buck says it's a paraphrase of what she said back then. "You experience the people you love with all your body, with all you have, that's why your brain lights up like that, that's why your body reacts like that, that's why you produce all those neurotransmitters and molecoles! Your brain is the thing that makes you, you, and mediates all of your experiences. Love is physiology and chemistry and yet it is so much more, it is unknowable and transcendent", and I think I'll tresure her words as long as I leave. This is the power of our brain. And it's amazing. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk! 2. Here the poem. Stay tuned for more! And please, take care of yourself, drink your water, sleep tight and stay safe at home if you can!

tagging @buckleystrand; @sparksfly-buddie; @chrrlees; @lieselfh and whoever wants to be tagged!

[xxpadfootxx]

🐾Won’t Leave You: Chapter 9 (The Unknown)🐾

Five pro heroes showed up at the scene only minutes after the ambulances had come back with All Might. The fight was pretty much over at that point, but with the help of the heroes, the police were able to apprehend the villain and get him loaded into a special cruiser heading for police custody. Despite the grim tone, the students were quietly celebrating their victory over the villain, congratulating one another and checking to make sure that none of the wounds were too severe.

The only one who was not celebrating was Izuku. At first, he felt the same relieving joy that everyone else felt, his pale face regaining some of its color as the fear drained from him and the adrenaline turned into excitement. He looked up and smiled at his peers who looked back at him with matching expressions. But then Izuku looked to Iida and saw his face agape with shock. Izuku looked behind him to see Ochako laying on the ground a few feet away. Izuku had managed to catch her when they had tumbled from the villain’s grasp but when they had landed, they had been unbalanced so they had both been flung to the ground and separated.

Fear struck Izuku’s heart like a spear and he scrambled to meet her. Her legs were twisted in odd directions from the fall and the bullet wound in her side, which had not been as severe before, was now a lot deeper, blood pooling into the grass and coiling around her splayed hair. Izuku flailed in the grass until his legs finally managed to work properly and propel him towards her. He skidded to her side and used gentle hands to lift her into his lap. He gazed at her face, tears streaming down his face.

“Ochako?” He whispered.

No answer.

“Ochako? Come on, we have to get back to the dorms before Aizawa kicks our asses, we are out just a little bit past curfew, don’t you think?”

Still no answer.

“Come on Ochako!” Izuku cried out. He leaned down and placed his ear against her chest. He waited.

And waited

And waited.

Nothing. There was no gentle rise and fall of her chest, no soft scratch of her breath. Her breath was not faint, it was nonexistent. Izuku’s eyes widened and tears rained down his cheeks. He snapped his head up and howled into the early morning.

“NO, NO, NOT OCHAKO! NO PLEASE DON’T TAKE HER, OH GOD NO!”

The other students were frozen in shock, only Iida able to force his legs to take two steps before he crashed to the ground and landed on his knees in the dewy grass.

Ignoring the stares of his friends, the efforts of the police to load students into the ambulances, and even the stare of his mentor and hero, All Might, Izuku laid Ochako on the grass and began to administer CPR. Plugging her nose, he pressed his lips to hers and forced air into her lungs, lifting his head for a few seconds before repeating the action.

The heroes that had arrived at the scene were stunned for a moment but soon All Might, Best Jeanist, and Gunhead all rushed to Ochako’s side, only Endeavor and Gang Orca remaining behind to help get the ambulances prepared to take students away. The three pro heroes raced to Izuku and Ochako, All Might reaching Izuku first while Gunhead and Best Jeanist leaned down to examine Ochako.

Izuku ignored all of them and placed his hands on her chest, pressing down in quick pumping motions in an effort to get her heart beating again. Luckily for Izuku, Aizawa had given the class a lesson in first aid just a few weeks ago which had included how to properly give CPR to a victim hanging onto life by a thread. With each pump of his hands on her chest, he whispered her name through gritted teeth.

“Ochako… Ochako… Ochako…”

“Come on young Midoriya,” All Might said, his voice cracking despite his efforts to stifle it. “We can’t do anything for her now.” A tear slid down All Might’s cheek as he said the last sentence, his heart was breaking both for the strong heroine in training as well as his broken successor. He leaned down and grasped Izuku’s shoulders, trying to ease him to his feet.

Izuku ripped away from his hero, his face set with fury, guilt, and intense grief as tears streamed down his face in rivers.

“No,” Izuku said with a deadly calm. “I refuse to give up on her,” He gulped and looked up at the students and heroes assembled. “I REFUSE TO LOSE TODAY!”

He remembered the first time he had said those words when he and Ochako had been waiting to enter the practice building for combat training against Bakugo and Iida. He remembered how Ochako had helped him through his anxiety and had fought at his side even though the prospect of fighting two very talented students had seemed frightening. The memory gave him courage; gave him hope.

He leaned down again, abandoning the pumping technique and plugging her nose again, desperately hoping that his training would prevail here, that he would not lose his best friend for life. After repeating this for several seconds, he immediately went back to pumping his hands on her chest. He could feel her ribs pressed up against his calloused hands and he pushed harder, hoping with every press that the thumping of her heart would restart beneath those ribs.

“I am here Ochako, and I am not leaving you,” Izuku said, his voice breaking. “Come back to me.”

He leaned his entire weight into each press, his labored breathing filling the silence as the students watched. The pro heroes did not try to stop Izuku, although all of them knew how to administer CPR, none of them were rescue heroes, and to them, Izuku was doing a rather good job despite the fact that Ochako seemed to be getting colder and colder by the minute.

Suddenly, Izuku just broke down. His sobs and screams echoed throughout the valley, but nobody tried to comfort him. Everyone just allowed him to shout his anger and grief to the world. He pulled Ochako off of the ground and held her to him, his arms wrapped protectively around her as he sobbed into her neck.

“Ochako, I’m s-s-so sorry-y!” Izuku had to pause as more sobs racked his body.

“I failed you, I failed you as a friend, as a hero, and as a guardian.” He sobbed again. “I was supposed to keep you safe, I was supposed to be there for you and I let you get-”

“You did not fail me Deku.”

The voice was so soft that he thought he had imagined it at first, but the words clanged in his mind like a savior bell. He pulled her away from his chest and looked at her face, his eyes searching wildly over her face and her body, surprise coursing through him. He realized that he had been sobbing so hard that he had not felt her breathing restart.

“GET AN AMBULANCE NOW!” Gunhead yelled at the nearest student, his voice filled with relieved urgency. Iida, who had been sobbing on his knees, now shot up like a rocket and bolted in the direction of the other heroes and the police, waving his arms and screaming at them to send help.

“Ochako! Oh my god Ochako, you’re alive!” Izuku sobbed joyfully, holding her to him, one hand cradling her lower back while the other was pressed against her bullet wound to stifle the bleeding. She groaned at the pain his touch to her wound brought but she also leaned into his body, both of her hands finding their way around his neck until she was clinging to him in an embrace just tight enough to show their affection but also light enough that it didn’t bring her too much pain.

All Might and Gunhead were also comforting one another as tears streamed down the faces of the popular heroes and the students assembled were all holding each other with relief as the news of Ochako’s survival spread amongst the classmates. Iida returned only a few seconds later, followed by Endeavor, Gang Orca and three ambulances. The heroes did not speak as they opened up the backs of the trucks and prepared a stretcher.

Meanwhile one of the doctors who had come with the extra ambulances was trying to separate Izuku and Ochako. The doctor was holding onto Izuku’s shoulders and was trying to get him to stand up.

“Come on, you need rest and a checkup young man,” The doctor said as he tugged once more on Izuku’s shoulders. “You are in pretty bad condition yourself.”

“I want to stay with Ochako,” Izuku said, unrelenting.

“But-”

A small explosion popped on the meadow floor and thin black smoke rose into the air in loose curls. The doctor snapped his head in the direction of the explosion to see an angry Bakugo standing in a loose fighting stance, his hands half curled into fists so that sparks could fly from his palms. Everyone froze except for Kirishima who held an arm out in front of his boyfriend.

“Isn’t it obvious that Deku doesn’t want to be separated from his girlfriend? He’s not that injured, trust me I’ve seen him when he’s hurt, he will survive but right now, you are hurting him more by trying to keep him from the person he loves. He just saved her life, can’t you give the damned nerd a fucking break?”

The doctor’s face paled and he released Izuku’s shoulders. He stood up shakily and nodded once to Bakugo and once to Izuku before turning and beckoning for Izuku to follow him to the ambulance. Izuku stood up with Ochako curled in his arms and turned to follow the doctor but paused. He looked to Bakugo with a bright red face and smiled at him before walking towards the ambulance. Bakugo flipped him off in response but after a moment, the corners of his mouth twitched upward ever so slightly.

_________________________________________

Izuku had been dozing on and off for the past three days, his body refusing to fully fall asleep as he slept in the hospital. He had been given a quick checkup but other than that he had not left Ochako’s side, sitting at her bedside day and night. He had been blocked from seeing her as she underwent surgery to remove the bullet and to fix her broken legs but afterward he had been permitted to stay with her. Izuku was used to being in a hospital and so despite his severe need to be with her, he remained polite and accommodating to whatever the doctors and nurses needed of him, therefore earning their trust. The hospital staff began to really like Izuku and would allow him to stay with Ochako even when normal guests would not have normally been able to, they also liked to give him snacks from the vending machine when he looked particularly worn out.

Izuku entered Ochako’s room and sank into a chair by her bedside after taking a break to go to the bathroom and talk to Ochako’s parents about her condition. Her parents had been at the hospital minutes after she had arrived, waiting with Izuku for her surgery to end and waiting in her room for two whole days while she recovered. They had left late in the afternoon the day before to tend to work. Ochako’s family did not have a lot of money, so even despite their daughter’s condition, they had to go home to continue working at their construction business. Izuku’s own mother had also called, who had joined All Might in visiting him to make sure that he was not only physically alright but also mentally stable. His mother had eventually declared him to be alright after hugging and kissing him for two hours and asking him questions to make sure he was okay. He had called her earlier that day to let her know that he was still alright.

Once Izuku was settled into his designated chair by her bedside he looked at Ochako. She looked much better now that she had gotten the care she needed from the hospital but it was still difficult to see her like this, still slightly broken and healing in a hospital bed, covered in wrappings and bandages. His eyes wandered over her pretty face and down to her shoulders where the sheets of the bed covered the rest of her wrapped body. His eyes eventually fell onto her hand which was lying palm up beside where her hips were beneath the covers and wrappings.

Izuku hesitated but took a deep breath and placed his hand in hers. Her hand was so soft and warm. He suddenly craved that warmth, that feeling that she was alive and active and full of energy. He forced himself to sit still as the wave of want washed over him. He shook his head, he was being selfish for even thinking like this. He shoved his feelings for her down as far as he could press them and gave her hand a small squeeze. He had been so focused on trying to shove his feelings down that he didn’t even notice that she was awake until he felt a small squeeze in return. He jolted in his seat, his eyes widening, all of his tiredness was forgotten.

“Hey Deku, am I late for training?” Ochako asked him in a whisper. Izuku’s mouth sat agape as he looked from her teasing smile to his hand in hers and back again.

“You-you're… how are you…?” Izuku could not find the words as tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. He squeezed her hand again.

“You’re awake.” He commented, a few tears trickling down his cheeks as he looked into her eyes. They had a light spark in them again, their chocolatey brown color swirling with emotions, emotions that were not full of pain for the first time in the past couple days.

Izuku placed his other hand on top of the one already holding her hand and looked her full in the face, his happiness making him feel weak as he told himself over and over again that she was okay.

“I’m okay Deku,” Ochako said as she looked into his face and saw the mass of relief there. “It was a close call but I’m okay now.” She smiled at him.

He nodded and closed his eyes for a moment.

“Can you help me sit up a little bit?”

His eyes opened again and he smiled at her.

“Of course.” He leaned down and pressed a button on the control pad beside her bed until she was in more of a sitting position. She turned her body to face him just a little bit and when he sat up he found himself looking right into her face, her face which was now so full of life as it had been before the attack. He cleared his throat as the heat rose in his cheeks and he looked at the ceiling.

“Izuku.”

His eyes snapped to meet hers, the surprise of her using his real name lighting up his face.

“Thank you for saving me.”

“I didn’t save you, I failed you.” Izuku hung his head. “I should have been there for you when we were attacked, I should have been taken, not you, and I should not have let you get so close to-” He gulped, he couldn’t even say the word and he looked down at the ground.

“Death,” Ochako said.

Izuku’s head snapped back up to look at her. Her eyes did have a tinge of fear and sorrow but they were overwhelmed by the look of determination in her eyes.

“You did not fail me.” She said to him, not a hint of anger or distaste in her face as she spoke. “You are the sole reason why I was able to survive that villain for so long, you are the reason why I fought tooth and nail for my life no matter the consequences. We stopped that villain together and there was nothing you could have done differently to change the situation. If you had been captured instead of me, I still would have fought just as hard to get you back.” Ochako leaned forward and placed a hand over her friend’s heart.

“Thank you for saving me.” She repeated.

More tears spilled down Izuku’s cheeks and he nodded at her.

“Thank you for staying with me.” He whispered.

He barely registered what happened, one moment he had been sitting in the chair next to her bed, his best friend comforting him and the next moment, he was being pulled toward his friend, her hand grasping the front of his shirt as she pulled him down to meet her and rose a little in her bed to meet him. Their lips met in a soft kiss between them. He was so surprised that the moment almost went over his head and it was over far quicker than he wished. Soon he was back in his chair, stunned and staring at Ochako with his mouth open and his eyes as wide as moons. Ochako chuckled a little bit, her face bright red.

“Sorry.” She said, her face getting even redder with embarrassment as she wondered whether she had made the right choice.

Izuku looked into her eyes and saw her daring spirit fading away as it succumbed to the fear and embarrassment that was flooding her face. He did not have the words so he just followed her lead and pulled her to him. She grunted in surprise as he pulled them together and kissed her deeper this time. When they pulled away, Izuku stood and moved to the edge of her bed to sit instead. He cupped the back of her head with one hand and held her hand with the other, their foreheads resting on one another as he stared into those gorgeous eyes of hers.

“Don’t be.”

[msjr0119]

Forgive me

Part 1 - Meeting you

A mini series, warning includes swearing, suicide and abuse.

Based on true events but using TRR characters who are owned by Pixelberry.

Such a long chapter it’s been split into two- at the bottom click the link which will continue the rest of this chapter 😊

Tags:

@annekebbphotography @burnsoslow @drakesensworld @ladyangel70 @kingliam2019 @bbrandy2002 @butindeed @bascmve01 @drakewalker04 @pedudley @captain-kingliamsqueen @duchessemersynwalker @insideamirage @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @kozabaji @texaskitten30 @ibldw-main @kimmiedoo5 @nikkis1983 @dangerouseggseagleartisan @gnatbrain @walker7519 @lodberg @cmestrella @hopefulmoonobject @addictedtodrakefanfic @angi15h @liamxs-world @rafasgirl23415 @notoriouscs @yukinagato2012 @dcbbw @qammh-blog

*****

Leo.. I was married to him. We have a son.

Three months ago... Leo took his own life.

His voice stuttered before eventually his brain shut down- it didn’t want to function correctly. Those two sentences kept repeating through his mind on a repetitive loop.

“Li, are you okay?” Liam heard Drake shout, but his eyes didn’t want to open. Liam had lost the colour from his face. It was as if his heart had suddenly stopped beating due to the shock. He swayed for a slight time before falling to the ground that had a sticky residue - most likely due to previous spilt alcohol.

“Liam, I’m so sorry. When is the ambulance arriving?” It’s not a dream, that’s Riley’s voice- that’s a woman’s hand supporting my head. That’s Riley holding me.

“They said they’d be here as soon as possible.” Maxwell panicked, his mouth and eyes were wide and frozen.

“I need to pick Lucas up from my friends apartment. But I can’t leave you all here. This is my fault.”

Lucas. My nephew. I need to see him.

“Go and get your son. You’re all he’s got now.” Drake helped Riley stand up, before taking her place. She scribbled her number down and passed it to Drake, sorrow in her eyes.

No he’s got me. I’m his uncle.

“I’m so sorry.” Riley didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to say, slipping into the staff room she quickly discarded her uniform and clocked out.

“I need to meet my nephew Drake, I need to look after them both.” Liam whispered still semi unconscious.

“Li, we need to sort you out first. The paramedics are on their way.”

Finally fluttering his baby blues open, an adrenaline rush took over. Scrutinising the bar for Riley who dropped a bombshell he would never expect to hear.

“Cancel the ambulance, I’m fine. It’s just the shock.” Drake sat him up slowly, not wanting to let go of him incase he fell backwards causing more of a head injury. That’s something they didn’t need to return to cordonia with prior to the social season beginning.

Riley returned to the scene. Her natural brown hair consisted of perfect curls that cascaded down her back. The waitress uniform wasn’t doing her beauty any justice- she wore a green dress that showed off her natural curves.

“Oh thank god. I thought I killed the crown prince.” She inhaled a deep breath, relieved that he was conscious.

“No you already did that!” Tariq spat. As Riley stood frozen, her lip began to tremble.

******

Riley refused to work any longer today- her shift was shit. Her manager was an arsehole towards her. She didn’t care anymore. She was past caring and didn’t give two damns if he sacked her. She was doing a runner whilst she could. Leo wasn’t expecting her to return for another few hours, and Beth was babysitting. She thought she would surprise him with his favourite take out - Chinese.

Sneaking into the flat, she wanted to make it special for him. As a young Prince he often escaped palace life and went awol for weeks upon end. Riley first met him in a club, she noticed he was shy and was ‘eyeing up’ a man in the bar. Before she knew him properly she encouraged him to make a move. They became friends shortly after this. Leo was the original crown prince of a country called Cordonia. His father had tried forcing him into an arranged marriage. Nobody would approve of that. But for Leo it was different- he had known from a young age that he wasn’t heterosexual. He was in fact the opposite. Riley offered to become his wife so he could live his real life. This secret was unexpectedly exposed and wasn’t approved by his family nor his country- he had been disowned. He felt trapped.

She had assumed he was in the shower, as his house keys were on the table. As she was plating up- she jumped out of her skin as she heard a big thud come from his room. Dropping the food- she ran into room. Opening the door, her eyes widened as Leo’s lifeless body was hanging from the ceiling fan. Scrutinising the room, she saw the open pill bottle on the dressing table- pills scattered over some paper, an empty bottle of whiskey.

“Leo? If this is some prank- you’ve surely scared the shit out of me.... Leo?”

Suddenly her frozen body sprung into action, loosening the rope she laid her friend on the floor and rung 911. She could feel a slight pulse. She began CPR, hoping she wasn’t too late.

“Shit Leo! Wake the fuck up! Please. You are such an idiot. We love you. Come on. Please.”

On arrival, the New York ambulance service pronounced his death at the scene. Standing by the dressing table- she picked up the paper, the last words “I love you both, goodbye. Forgive me.” Falling to the floor, she screwed the paper up- bringing it to her heart, the tears continued to fall off her face.

We love you too Leo. You didn’t need to do this. Did your family love "You" or the smiling mask you put on everyday? It didn’t matter you had us.

******

“Fuck off Tariq! Nobody likes you anyway- so go and fuck your leather shoes!” Drake defended the stranger, providing her with a soft smile. Tariq stormed out of the bar, followed by Maxwell who gave Riley a quick squeeze before leaving. He was undecided at what to do, stay with Liam and Drake or go after the arsehole snob. Drake gestured him to follow Tariq as Maxwell was neither use nor ormant when it came to situations like this.

Drake helped Liam stand up regaining his balance, before escorting him to a seat. Riley brought over a glass of ice cold water, Liam’s gaze fixated on her- baby blues meeting probably for the first time.

“Liam, I know I keep saying it but I really am sorry. I tried to save him. But I couldn’t. I have to go. Drake has my number if you ever need to talk.”

“You are not running away after telling me that my brother died! You are not going anywhere!”

“Li, she needs to get her son. It’s late.” Drake attempted to calm him down- Liam hadn’t shed a tear, and his best friend was concerned.

“Well I’ll go with her then.”

“Bastien is waiting for us at the hotel. You can’t go awol- he will have a heart attack.”

“Bastien’s here?” Riley’s eyes widened, that man was just as bad as Leo’s father.

“Yes why? Was he involved in your sham marriage too?”

“Quite the opposite your highness.” Riley was frustrated with his tone of voice- scowling at him, she loved Leo - they became the best of friends. For people to criticise their relationship who didn’t know the truth was annoying- she did it as a favour for her friend. When she fell pregnant with Lucas, they were both intoxicated. After the sexual interaction, they both laughed once their pleasure had stopped- releasing how odd it felt.

“I’m sorry Riley. He doesn’t mean to be like this. We will leave soon.”

“It’s fine Drake. I’m going to ring Beth. Ask if she can have Lucas overnight. When are you flying back?”

“Tomorrow why?”

“I just wondered if you’d like to meet Lucas before you leave?”

“What’s he like?” Liam curiously asked after he had calmed down a bit.

“Honestly, he’s all Leo. No doubt about who his father is. He’s a pain in the arse like his father too.”

Liam laughed, remembering how much trouble Leo would get in to and not care about it.

“If he turns out like Leo, you’re going to have your hands full.”

“I already do Drake. Ever since he started crawling I have - I keep encouraging him to walk but I know I’ll regret it the minute he does. Here look, my screensaver is of me, Leo, Lucas and Rob- Leo’s partner. Oh and those are Rob’s huskies, Ryder and Scarlett.”

The look of Lucas was uncanny- Riley wasn’t over exaggerating when she said he was Leo’s double.

“Riley, Beth Hughes is ring you.” Liam said as he passed her phone. Excusing herself from the table she answered the FaceTime. The two men felt bad not giving her privacy, but they wanted to listen into the conversation.

Riley don’t ever ask me if I can have him overnight. I love him, I’m happy to have him.

Thanks Beth I owe you big time. Something- well someone has turned up. I need to sort it out. I’ll explain tomorrow. Oh my god! Why is he still awake?

He’s enjoying his time at auntie Beth’s Ri, chill. It’ll be me that will be tired.

Hi baby. Mommy loves you much. Be good for auntie Beth. Beth I’ll ring you in the morning. Love ya.

******

Riley returned to the table, Liam looking into outer space. Not acknowledging anyone, every time he shut his eyes the image of Leo was there.

“So, my friend is having Lucas overnight. So I’m all yours. You want to yell at me. Do it. You want to ask questions. Ask. You want to cry? Cry. I’m all ears. But this place is closing in five minutes. We could go for a walk? The city is awake throughout the night.”

“How about you come back to the hotel we are staying at? It’ll be warmer than roaming the streets. I just want it to be between you and I though Riley. I hope you understand Drake. I need closure.”

“Of course Li. Come on. I’ll keep Bastien distracted for you both.”

*****

Arriving in the suite, Riley finally understood what Leo had given up to follow his heart. The room was elegant, feeling like she didn’t belong here- she wanted to answer Liam’s queries as soon as possible then leave to return to her dingy flat that she could barely afford.

“Do you want a drink?” Liam asked as he shrugged his jacket off, throwing it on to the floor not caring.

Riley knelt down and picked his jacket up, straightening it out as she placed it around the leather chesterfield chair. Liam watched her clean up his mess- amazed at how she sprung into her motherly instinct.

“I’ll have whatever you are having.”

Liam nodded, he believed that she would appreciate wine over scotch- none of the ladies at court drank the ‘strong’ stuff. Handing her a glass of red merlot, she thanked him.

“So. Why did my brother chose you for a fake wife? You’re beautiful, surely the men in this city would want to be in a relationship with you.” Riley blushed, she hadn’t been called beautiful in a while- he’s a Prince, so will be using his charm.

“Because I’m selfless, I allowed my own happiness to be non existent- it’s what friends do for each other. I loved Leo. He was my best friend for a long time. We instantly clicked.” Liam couldn’t understand as to why she would rather care about her friends happiness over her own.

“You deserve to be happy too. My brother always went awol- why didn’t he just move away with Rob. Leave you to live your life. And how did you get pregnant if he... if he...”

“If he was gay? You can say it Liam. It’s a funny story- we were drunk. So drunk. Rob was working away for a month. We both needed to release. He was my wingman that night- I just attracted creeps. If we wasn’t drunk we wouldn’t have done that. Afterwards we just laid in bed laughing at how awkward it was- it felt odd.”

“I can’t believe it. He was always sleeping around with different ladies at court.”

“I’ve heard the stories; Kinky Kiara, obnoxious Olivia, placid Penelope who loves dogs more than anything.” Riley laughed, at how Leo would explain everyone at court.

“Yes, those are words to describe them. I have to marry one of them. There’s also Lady Hana who will be a suitor. She’s from Shanghai. She’s sweet, but I don’t have any attraction to her. To any of them in fact.”

“Don’t you be abdicating too. Don’t want your father to hurt you too.”

“Don’t tempt me, I just wish I could marry for love, not for Cordonias need.”

“I understand. It must be hard for you.”

“It is. I now know how Leo felt. The pressure to please everyone and our country. I just want a bit of freedom. What would you do if you was in our situation?” Riley didn’t know how to respond, Leo asked her the exact question when he confessed his real identity.

“Honestly. I don’t know? It’s getting late Liam. If you haven’t got any more questions I’m going to call a cab.”

“I have questions, I just don’t know how to ask them. Please don’t go yet. Does my father know about Leo?”

“No. I tried to speak to them. But once they knew it was a call from here they refused to talk- allowing a guard to fob me off.”

The day after Leo passed away, Riley was sorting through his belongings with Rob. Both not believing that this was reality- both expecting Leo to walk through the doors explaining it was a nightmare.

“We have to let his family know Riley.”

Rob managed to say whilst wiping his tears away. Riley nodded, and picked up her phone. Shaking as she dialled the number that she found in Leo’s phone.

Hello?

Hello. Is a member of the royal family there? I need to speak to them urgently.

May I ask who is speaking?

My name is Riley Brooks... Riley Rhys. I’m Prince Leo’s wife. I need to talk urgently to someone. Anyone.

Hold on..... Hello, the King and Queen have requested that neither you nor Prince Leo contact them again. King Constantine has informed me to tell you that his son is dead to him. I’m so very sorry. Have a good day.

No wait! Please....

“Rob, they hung up on me. His father doesn’t want to know him.”

“My father is a horrible person. I’m so sorry, you tried to contact us. I’d have come straight away, I’d have helped you with Lucas. I’d have supported you all.”

“No need to apologise Liam, I just wish that they would have heard me out.”

“I do. I know you were only looking out for my brother. I now need to look out for you and my nephew. On paper you’re my sister in law.”

“I’m classed as a widow. I’m not your sister in law anymore.”

“But you’re the mother of my nephew. So you are both going to be important to me. I’m not like my father. I want to be a better king than he is. A better husband, a better father.”

“You will be... don’t put yourself down Liam. You are in an awful predicament. But by the looks of it you have a lot of support. Leo knew he wasn’t ‘king material’ and especially with his secret.”

“I hope you’re right. I hope my kingdom will approve of me. I just wished Leo had opened up to me. I could have saved his life.” Riley sat next to him, placing her arm around him- he nestled into her. Feeling guilt ridden, he finally shed tears that he had been holding in. Riley cupped his cheeks and wiped away his tears, having a sincere look on her face- he was happy that Leo had such a good friend.

“No one could save him. He loved his life with Rob- he was happy. He loved Lucas, and I will always talk about his father to him. He was still the Leo we knew. He loved you.”

“I can’t wait to meet Lucas. I’m so sorry it’s taken nearly a year. Do you think he will like me?”

“You’re his Uncle. Of course he will.”

“I hope so. I never imagined Leo to ever have a child, he was just the ‘playboy prince’ as everyone stereotyped him. Everyone believed that I would have a child before him.”

“In time you will. You never know what will happen at your social season.” Those two words, social season. Liam didn’t want to go through the social season, to put himself through that pain of choosing a lady he didn’t love just to please his country and family for political reasons.

Riley knew it was never going to be easy explaining to someone that their loved one had passed away. But with their titles, it made it so much more difficult. Keeping her sentences simple, only answering questions that he asked, she thought this was the best way to deal with the situation.

“I’m going to go home now, can I use your phone to call a cab? I’ll meet you at noon, at Central Park? Lucas loves feeding the ducks. So bring some bread with you- he went through a stage where he would just throw the whole loaf in.”

“Leo said I used to do that. Apparently I used to spoil the day when I did it. Why don’t you just stay here? It’s 2am. And I don’t know where I am going in Central Park it’s that huge.”

“I haven’t got any spare clothes, sleepwear or a toothbrush, Liam. I’ll text you with directions.”

“Please. I don’t want to be alone. You can wear one of my shirts, I’ll get Bastien to get you a toothbrush. I will take you home to get changed before picking Lucas up. Please Riley. I’ll even sleep on the couch.”

“I’m not having the future king sleep on a couch. I’ll sleep on the couch if it makes you feel better. What would happen if I refuse a future king? Would you throw me in your dungeons?”

“Don’t be so naive, that’s what happens in fairytales. And thank you.”

Riley laughed as Liam went to his closet, attempting to find the least expensive shirt for her to wear to make her not feel awkward. Finding one, he passed it to her- before removing his shirt and changing into pajama bottoms that hung low. Seeing her struggle to undo her zip on her dress, he ambled over to her assisting her. His touch shocked her at first, but her stomach began to flutter. Remembering what Leo said to her- You’d probably fall in love with him too , turning towards him she couldn’t help but admire his toned body. Avoiding his gaze, she walked into the bathroom- closing the door, she sighed. He’s your brother in law- stop these thoughts now Riley.

*******

Liam sat on the couch, he had a fusion of feelings in this moment. Mainly grief and sadness regarding his brother’s tragic death. But also mixed feelings towards his sister in law- the woman who he had only just met. She was beautiful, she was friendly, she seemed caring. She was something different. Holding his head in his hands, he wanted to be close to her. Inhaling the lingering sweet fragrance surrounding her - even though she was in the bathroom, he could still smell her.

Continue here...

[storytimewithcort]

Fresh Start (Part 7)

FRESH START PART 7

Fandom: Marvel, MCU

Basic Summary: Everyone’s favorite ol’ AU where we forget Infinity War ever happened! Loki and Thor are living with the Avengers because why not. Reader is hired to work for Tony and Pepper, and she and her son soon meet Loki. Etc Etc Etc - Part 7, reader starts to miss her daily interactions with Loki, while Loki expresses his feelings with help from Thor

Pairing: Loki x Reader (Single Mom Reader)

Warnings: nothing to report this time around

A/n: I have been been both busy with work and then super sick this past week. So, I have replayed certain conversations and scenes in my head multiple times, but have been able to write in a many days. Sorry for the wait. I do have part 8 partially done.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

--------

The next three weeks flew by and you never had a chance to really talk to Loki about what had happened between the two of you that night you spent in the tower. You had started to the morning after, but you were only halfway through your cup of coffee when Pepper called you with questions about Jonas' typical breakfast routine. That broke the mood for sure, and you didn't know how to bring it back up. Loki seemed more than content to allow the topic subside. He quickly started to ask you instead about your plans for the day.

You wouldn't say it was awkward, it really wasn't or so you thought at first. When you did get a little time to spend with Loki you two were back to how you had been for weeks. You comfortably discussed books, old earth legends, or your four year old's naive yet uniquely philosophical views on everyday life. However, you were starting to think that you were seeing much less of Loki than you were now used to.

At first you didn't have time to take note of it. You were taking a class to get re-certified in CPR and first aid as well as working with Pepper to get Jonas into an unbelievably prestigious preschool program for the upcoming spring session. So you blamed the lack of Loki on your own schedule and didn't think too much of it. You barely had time to think for yourself anyway.

That changed starting two days ago when you felt like your life was winding back down to it's normal amount of crazy. You set both the kids down for a nap and were blessed that Jonas actually wanted to nap since he was starting to grow out of wanting to nap at all. You left the nursery hoping to find Loki in the kitchen area or outside on the balcony per usual, but he wasn't in either spot.

The same happened yesterday. And again when you went looking for him today. You sighed to yourself. Maybe he was avoiding you, or maybe you had been unintentionally avoiding him and he was now bored of you or upset with you. You decided a quick trip upstairs would be okay, you just had to make sure to avoid Tony as he didn't particularly like you leaving the floor with the kids.

As you entered to large common room upstairs you literally ran into the object of your search.

"Oh...Hi" you mumbled as you took a step back, trying to not focus on the hand Loki placed on your arm to help steady you.

"Can I help you with something Y/n?" He asked, looking down at you.

"Well, I just put the kids down for a little bit...Are you busy right now?" As you asked you were certain for a moment his eyes lit up in excitement, but he simply shook his head slowly at you. You notice how he's dressed in a warm jacket and scarf, even holding a pair or gloves in one hand and your stomach sunk.

"I'm afraid I am busy, Thor is taking me to see...something...I honestly wasn't paying attention to what, but he insists." Just then Thor comes around the corner and when you see him dressed for the weather too, you can't help but slump your shoulders a bit. "Rain check?" Loki offers in a more gentle tone.

"Only if that's what you want...I..uh..never mind then." You slipped back into the elevator and hoped you didn't look too disappointed in front of Loki. Just then the brothers entered into the elevator with you and before you could say anything else the doors shut and you forced yourself to stand up straight. Thor was as bubbly as ever and even offered you to join them on their trip, but you obviously had to decline.

As you made your way to step out of the elevator your hand brushed against Loki's unintentionally. His reflexes were astonishingly quick and he grabbed your hand in his before you could walk away. He held you in place for a brief moment making eye contact with you. Rubbing his thumb across your knuckles he repeated, "Rain check, I promise."

You nodded with a little smile and slipped away.

Outside the wind was harsh but it didn't really bother either brother as they made their way through the city. Thor led Loki through streets as if he knew they place as well as Asgard. A fact which Loki couldn't decide was impressive or a bit sad.

"Do we have to walk there through all these people? You're just going to get stopped every few feet by some adoring fan." Loki pouted as a group of teenagers practically tripped over themselves as Thor smiled in their direction.

Thor continued to smile and nod towards each passing onlooker. They were in fact stopped by a few people. To Loki's alleviation, not one of the fans seemed to notice much less recognize him. Once the men were more secluded street. Thor turned to Loki with a look that Loki dreaded. This was Thor's patented I know something face. It always caused Loki a headache.

"So..." Thor started, tone sickly sweet. "Y/n?"

"What about her?" Loki said flatly, the dull ache of annoyance settling in.

"You two seem...close." Thor commented, "Are you two together?"

Raising his eye brows, Loki scoffed, "I'm not talking about this with you."

"And who else would you talk to? I'm your only friend." Thor added, smacking Loki's shoulder lightly.

Loki simply walked a bit faster, putting a little distance between them as he tried not to acknowledge Thor's words. The cold weather suddenly as cold as the most arctic parts of Jotunheim. Or maybe it was just him. After all, there was truth behind Thor's statement, among other reasons. After a few minutes of silence, Loki reluctantly turned his head towards Thor.

"I don't know."

"You don't know if you have any friends or if you're with Y/n?" Thor teased.

Loki glared in Thor's direction, but continued anyway, "I don't know how to categorize my relationship with her."

"That's not hard to figure out. You obviously enjoy spending time with her. And she obviously likes spending time with you." Thor beamed.

"So you're saying I do in fact have another friend." Loki laughed hollowly.

"Loki..."

"Look," Loki sighed, "We have had...moments...of flirtation and romance. However, there will not be anymore in the future. I assure you."

"Does she know that? She seemed excited when she came upstairs specifically to find you today." Thor's voice grew at bit more interested.

Loki took a moment to gather his words correctly, "I think it's best for her if I leave her alone. She's clever, inquisitive, charming, and quite possibly has the kindest heart I've ever known."

"All of that sounds like good reasons to be with someone..."

"All good reasons for a good person to be with her. Not me."

"You're not a ba-" Thor started.

"I am a bad person." Loki cut Thor off with a side glance that emphasized his seriousness. "As honored as I am for your restored faith in me. I'm still viewed as a monster by most of this planet including Y/n's own employer. She has too much going for her to be bogged down by an association with me."

Thor's shoulders slumped a bit, unsure of how to argue Loki's sad point.

"Plus," Loki added, "She has a son, a family. I have a horrible track record with family. I've failed every one in my family at least once." He only paused to raise a finger in Thor's direction, cutting off Thor's words of encouraging disagreement before he could even voice them. "I've even failed you countless times, brother. I like Y/n far too much to hurt her or Jonas in the ways I know I'm capable of."

Thor made a noise of solemn disgruntlement and Loki thought for a fleeting moment that Thor might actually understand what he was feeling for once.

"So..." Thor started quietly, "When do you plan on telling her any of this."

"I've been trying to distance myself from her for a couple weeks now. However whenever I do see her, I forget all about distancing myself. I swear I can't say 'no' to her and I can't keep myself away from her. I hate it." Loki looked down at the ground as he spoke.

"That's because you like her." Thor mused, drawing out the word 'like' longer than necessary.

At the comment a small rock came flying out of nowhere directly at Thor's face, hitting him in the temple. Loki sent another pebble towards Thor, this one hitting him on the side of his left arm.

As Thor looked around the street to find where the rocks came from, Loki let out a small chuckle. "I already told you I like her. Weren't you listening?"

Brushing his arm as if to remove the nonexistent dust the second rock left behind Thor spoke, "I think I understand your concerns. But, you cannot make this decision for her. If you like her and she likes you. She deserves a say in whether or not your relationship moves forward. I say you tell her your concerns and see how she feels. I have a feeling she doesn't see you as a monster at all."

"I did not ask for your advice."

"Ah but you get it! It's my privilege as the older brother to impart my wisdom." Thor boomed, giving Loki another strong pat on the shoulder as Loki rolled his eyes.

After Thor finished showing Loki an museum exhibition on viking history, they finally made it back to the tower in the early evening. It turned out Thor's only interest was the few references on various artifacts to each of them, proving that at least at one time many humans saw both Thor and Loki as godly heroes, not monsters at all. Against his better judgment, all Loki could think about while they wandered around the exhibit was how you'd enjoy seeing it yourself.

As they entered the lobby the elevator was opening to you and Jonas making your way to leave.

"Hi Mr. Snake! Hi Mr. Thor!" Jonas chimed excitedly when he saw them.

"Why hello Master Jonas! How are you this fine evening?" Thor returned in a matching level of excitement.

"Momma says I can have noodles for dinner!" Jonas explained.

"That sounds lovely, I always loved noodles myself. I've got an idea." Thor offered, "How about I get Natasha or Bruce to order us noodles. They understand phones better than I do. Then you both can stay here for dinner. I could even let Jonas play with my helmet." Thor looked at Loki with a huge grin.

You shifted in your shoes, "I don't want to impose. There's a Thai place a block from our apartment, we can just pick something up there. Plus, I'd rather get Jonas home before it's any darker out."

"But Momma! Mr. Thor promised to show me a super hero helmet!" Jonas pleaded, tugging on your shirt sleeve.

"If your worried about traveling too late, Loki would accompany you home make sure you all made it home safely." Thor continued, eyeing Loki excitedly.

You glance between Jonas and Loki for a moment before relenting. "Ok."

"Yeeessssss!" Jonas screamed, running back into the elevator. Once inside he turned back and waved his little hand in his direction, "come on come on."

"You guys heard the boy," you laughed softly. Turning back to the elevator.

Sure enough, Natasha was around when you all reached the common area upstairs. She seemed surprised to see you, but was pleased. After ordering a impressive spread from a local Italian restaurant, you all just had to wait about half an hour. Thor kept his promise and brought out his armor and helmet. Jonas thought it was the coolest thing he's ever seen and proceeded to wear the way to big helmet with glee as he fumbled around the room.

You settled into a spot on a side of one of the couches to watch as Thor played well with Jonas and even somehow convinced Bruce to join in. Once food arrived you all ate as one odd, disjointed family.

By the time Jonas had eaten enough alfredo rotini to rival Thor, you saw the telltale signs of a toddler ready to pass out asleep at any moment. You quickly thanked everyone and started to gather your belongings. Ignoring the puzzled looks from Natasha and Bruce as he got up from the table to follow you, Loki made his way to you across the room.

"I can escort you home." He said as he reached your side.

You turned to face him and instantly blushed at his proximity. This is the closest you had been to him since you were literally in his lap and you couldn't stop your self from thinking about just that. He obviously noticed your blush, because he smirked and raised an eyebrow at you. You shook your head in a way to calm your self and nodded more directly to Loki.

"I'd love that."

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Lovely people: @1v-kayla , @unicorniorosacomefrutillas, @jessiejunebug, @hiddlestonstansworld, @hey-liz-hey, @fortheloveofallthatsholy, @perceptorxbrainstorm, @kinghiddlestonanddixon, @ godhateskyleigh, @illogicalfangirl and hopefully I didn’t miss anyone.

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[speedygal]

McCoy Prime ends up a Medium au

Inspired by Medium and its concept and a episode. This has a read more because of its length. A sort of Spones au. Meant to be a Spones au but then some events  happened and I enjoyed writing it. Enough said. Originally meant to be very Spones au. Decided to write the au post as it is Deforest Kelley’s birthday.

Post five year mission. Jim is driving a sleeping McCoy to Joanna’s house in a hovercar in Georgia.  It is night out. Spock is dealing with another issue regarding Christine Chapel and Nyota Uhura having a lovers quarrel and he somehow is in the dead center of it and his plan involves Vulcan and T’Pring while visiting his mother. Jim can feel Spock’s headache from the two women shouting at each other. He looks at the rearview mirror to see McCoy is in the backseat fast asleep not buckled. He considers how lucky he is to have just married the best man in the galaxy. He tells  Spock through bond that he loves him and Spock replies the same thing. They had been to a medical conference that McCoy was supposedly looking forward to. Suddenly there’s a hover car that comes out of no where and there’s a accident. It strikes the front end of the hover-car McCoy is stirred awake as he is flying. He has a very bad feeling about this in his gut. He feels that he is never going to see Jim again. The rest is a blur. Jim watches McCoy fly past him. And the last thought he sends to his husbands? I am so lucky I had you, with love struck eyes  and a smile. Jim dies without pain. The driver of the other hover car gets out, with a few bruises and scratches, to find the bloody scene. The driver runs away and goes to a local clinic. Spock experiences the sudden death of Jim right as he enters his fathers home. Amanda is taking care of their twin boys, Sterek, George, and  one month old  S’Tamuel with a Sehlat. Sarek calls her out through their bond. Spock is unresponsive once collapsing to the ground. They perform CPR on Spock and get him stable for the healers to attend to him. McCoy’s accident is called in thirteen minutes later by a passer by in the ditch.

When  McCoy awakens, he sees Vulcan who he recognizes from the medical conference. He screams. Because they have a phaser injury all over them. He doesn’t see Jim. He doesn’t feel Jim. The nurses sedate him and tell him that Spock is arriving soon. McCoy feels broken all over. two stinging pain in his mind as though the marriage bond between the three men has broken. The dead Vulcan has vanished. McCoy rests. When he awakens, Scotty, Nyota, Christine, Pavel, and Hikaru are around the bed. Spock isn’t there. They are relieved that he is alive. McCoy feels like he should be dead and Jim should be the one alive. He doesn’t feel lucky.  He feels miserable. He asks when Spock is coming. Nyota explains Spock admitted himself to a Vulcan Ward a few hours ago. McCoy gets pissed off and wants to get the next shuttle to Vulcan to drag is ass out. Scotty and Pavel stop McCoy and tell him when they saw Spock, he was in very rough shape. They reveal  McCoy has been in a coma for three months. McCoy feels his heart break. He inquires about his side of the bond. Why did no one approach him and try to bring him out of the coma via mind meld. They inform him that Spock had. Spock broke himself pulling this stunt to bring him back. McCoy goes silent, then asks, what else is broken? They inform him that Jim, is in fact, dead. The driver who killed him is not dead and the passengers in the drivers car were all ready dead before the accident. There’s a investigation going. McCoy is told a healer was sent to repair his bond and numb it. They talk about Jim, how they have been going, and the funeral that McCoy was not able to attend. How Spock handled it. How the children handled it. McCoy makes it his mission to go to the Kirk cemetery at the Kirk Family Lot.

After his friends leave, McCoy talks to the dead woman. They share condolences to each other. McCoy requests she leave because there is a waterfall that feels like is ready to come out any any minute. He requests that she come later. She introduces herself as T’Pro. She leaves. McCoy cries into his hands of his loss. He spends the next three hours weeping until he can’t cry anymore.  McCoy recomposes himself when a Vulcan healer comes in. He is prepared for the repairs. His personal life is ruined. And he doesn’t feel appropriate to return to being a doctor in space without Jim and Spock. His shields are risen up and the bond is repaired. McCoy gets a lawyer and has his will written. He gives the children to Amanda under guardian ship, his belongings donated to a historical museum regarding the five year mission  upon his passing, his likeness can be used but it must be correct (He got worried someone will make a holoprogram version of himself and be far off so he makes several holovids before leaving to the Enterprise. McCoy makes a lot more regarding situations. How he pronounces words or names. He gives his life into it for the possibility.) McCoy goes home to Georgia. He falls into Joanna’s arms and there’s relief. They talk about family and the children and Jim and about his future. McCoy admits that, “We were a tragedy from the getgo. Three perfect men. I should have known it would not last.” and Joanna tells him.  “You know and you took the risk, dad.” McCoy waits for the children to come running toward him from kindergarten. They tackle him down instead in glee. He hugs them tightly. McCoy encounters T’Pro, again. This time about her murder. McCoy has to go somewhere. He is not sure but T’Pro is sure.

McCoy meets Carol Marcus and her son  David Marcus

McCoy, understandably, is furious that she has come RIGHT NOW AND TELLING HIM THAT HIS HUSBAND HAD A SON AND MADE IT SEEM TO THE BOY THAT JIM LEFT HER WHEN SHE LEFT HIM AND---He can’t take the painful reminder and the painful sting he has. Jim should have known about David Marcus after surviving the incident. McCoy is wishfully thinking by this stage that he had buckled himself in and died in the wreckage. His heart aches too much. McCoy is drawn to the  Reliant where he discovers this is the ship where T’Pro met her maker. He spends twenty-four hours on it. And with some persuasive help from Pavel, gets the one who killed her and put into the brig until their return to Earth. McCoy is pleased to have been useful  (But not as much as having a shrapnel against his neck while Pavel’s commanding officer negotiated). McCoy visits Vulcan to see Spock. He sees the shell of what had been Spock. Shattered, ruined, and utterly destroyed. He sees a sehlat by the man’s side. Which isn’t odd because there are SEHLATS EVERYWHERE HE LOOKS . McCoy keeps his distance from the animal while trying to get across to Spock and telling him what he found himself doing. McCoy feels he lost everything when Spock doesn’t act like there’s a reasonable rational conversation. The sehlat sniffs McCoy and McCoy recoils. McCoy asks a nurse why Spock has a sehlat and they tell him that he doesn’t. McCoy asks about the other sehlats. McCoy learns pets are not allowed. He is seeing dead pets. McCoy looks over to see the sehlat is gone. McCoy tells Spock goodbye. And that he hopes to see him again.  Spock remarks, “You are an odd man, Mr Blue.” McCoy asks, “Why?” “I can see things that are there and you don’t. You sure you don’t have problems up there?” McCoy pauses, carefully thinking how to word that next reply. McCoy finally says, “I see dead people.” Spock takes it without question.  McCoy pats the man’s shoulder,  “There’s hope in you, yet. Mr Spock.” As painful as it is for McCoy.

McCoy goes home, for the last time, as he has decided what to do. McCoy spends the last few months of the year with his family and working at the hospital. McCoy gets administrative leave in 2371. McCoy has been privately going through the grief and has come to accept Jim’s passing but not without seeing ghosts. He has a double life helping the deceased. Joanna has been assigned to a medical colony. McCoy leaves the children with Eleanor. Who adores the children and loves the boys. He hugs and kisses the children. McCoy leaves town.  S’Tamuel and Sterek have known all along what their father is up to. Eleanor takes a nap. Sterek has left a holovid behind. They take their little brother with them after their daddy. The take short cuts, lie, cheat, backstab, trick,and the whole nine yards by acting adorable. Sterek is the stubborn one whose determined on going where daddy goes. They take a mobile transporter that a cadet was in the process of making and has some problems. And chances of death. And they stole it despite being warned. McCoy has taken the necessary steps to make a new life where he is going. It takes a few days to get there but he makes it. And the ship leaves but right behind him is the THREE KIDS GENETICALLY MADE TO BE SPOCK AND JIM’S CHILDREN. The children catch their father’s attention and repeat a phrase Spock said to him years ago, “Together or not at all.” McCoy decides to take the children with him but decides that they must be returned when they  are one week from Pon Farr exactly the time span that they had been gone. The Guardian of  Forever takes them to a different time.

McCoy gets a house in San Francisco and becomes a trial consultant to district attorney who looks like Jim but really isn’t and calls himself  Denny Crane. He used to be  a big time lawyer who won every case for a law firm called Denny, Poole, and Schmit. He has a loving husband named Alan Shore and he is treating for his Alzheimer which no one knows about. McCoy goes up his radar by solving a case in  Tennessee and having someone babysit the kids. In Tennessee McCoy meets a man who look+s a lot like Spock but is not a Vulcan. The man likes McCoy and introduces himself as Harold Grayson. The man follows McCoy, quits his high paying well job as a engineering scientist for Airtech and goes after McCoy once learning where he lives. But he doesn’t have the address. Harold accepts his job at air tech but in SAN FRANCISCO. McCoy is helping Crane with getting the right jury. He has visions of people. There is one prominent vision bothering him throughout the day. The day Jim died. He sees the perpetrators face. He sees the man get fixed and sent on his way. He recognizes the man from his time in the hospital in Georgia. McCoy snaps out of the vision. McCoy has set up his new life, social security, fake background,and birth certificate. McCoy has a system ready for little S’Tamuel. McCoy’s little boys have their ears covered by a beanie in kindergarten. McCoy befriends a group of psychics  and non-psychics who are huge skeptics. He befriends a detective named Hank Son and his husband Peter Connor.  McCoy has a vision of Eleanor waking up to find the children gone. And searching through the house for them. Nikki Understone works as a translator for the medical hospital. Catherine Cine is a nurse at this same hospital. They are both parents for a adoptive little boy from Pakistan who is ten years old.

McCoy’s visions increase in volumes throughout the day. The search for the perpetrator becomes very important and he is apprehended by Pavel Chekov, personally, on his way to Romulus and sent to a prison ship. Pavel visits Spock and tells him that the strange man from earlier has vanished. And so has his three children. Spock has no idea who Pavel is and thinks he is someone else entirely. Pavel goes somewhere private and weeps for his role model’s breakdown. McCoy is shown a flashback where Spock had met the one who caused him pain and misery and forces a mind meld that in part is part of why Spock ended out the way he did. The visions end from his regular universe. McCoy comes across Harold sometime in his new life, again, this time at a crime scene. Hank Son is understandably concerned. Harold  is surprised to hear McCoy's job title and frankly thought he was a relative of the doctor who died last year in a car accident. Doctor Lenny Thomas McCord. McCoy goes throughout the next few days dealing with these visions from the victim that are vague, cryptic, and mostly appear as nightmares about what happened before or after the crime. He feels threatened when a bloody box appears on his doorstep.  Crane tells him it is going to be all right and they have the house guarded. He nearly gets killed by the killer who somehow got onto him when the doctor had gone to where he was at during the time and asked around specific questions with Hank Son by his side. The children are terrified. George,Sterek, and S'Tamuel sleep that night around McCoy on the first night. McCoy dreams of that killer who informs him that he knows what he has and he will stop at nothing to ruin his growing credibility to the detective. McCoy painfully makes the decision not to continue helping Denny on his cases.

McCoy is regretting coming here. He misses Joanna. There is a knock on the door the next morning and it's Harold, soaking wet, asking why he didn't get his damn phone number and let him find out through the local news where he lived and mentions, "That's a terrible way of making a first impression on your domestic life so I brought this." And it's full of  chocolate related items and a card that reads "Do you want to go stare at a aquarium with me?" And he apologizes for appearing this way. And he notices the doctor has been crying.  McCoy smiles back, wary, saying, "If you can accept the kids." And Harold  LOVES children. Loves. loves. Loves to bits. And McCoy mentions it will be chaotic going to the aquarium. They make a date. Harold ends up showing he had something behind his back and it's----McCoy's skin runs cold seeing a doll looking like Spock  in a container along with two other men. McCoy learns that he is fictional. Everything he has done in his past was fictional. McCoy is unable to speak at first but he takes the gifts and the wheelie for George to play with.  He doesn't reply. He is just in a state of shock. Harold is smiling and he gives his phone number, stuttering, and writes it down. He mentions living in a flat and that they can start out as friends if he would like. He wants to take it as slow as McCoy wants. And that he looks forward to meeting him again in the future. McCoy closes the door then slides his back against it hearing his heart beat against his chest. He is not even real and there's a real, living person interested in him who is not fictional.  He goes through his hair. He knows two Spock's. One is real and the other is not. He doesn't know if he can continue this charade. Because how can a fictional person live in real life that he isn't supposed to be? He places the packages on the couch and curls up to bed wishing he never had the accident to begin with. He dreams of Spock curled up on the couch in a meditative position and then the killer comes up and taunts him and antagonizes McCoy in a very degrading way. McCoy wakes up  in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. That morning he goes to Denny Crane and tells him he can't do it anymore. He tells  Denny that he can't foresee the future. All he sees is that stupid killer who terrorized his family. And he can't work for him. Denny gives McCoy a leave of absence and is unwilling to let him give up like that. He contacts a psychic friend of McCoy's , who the man had mentioned after their first case together, and asks if she is dealing with a slight problem. Denny is horrified. He knows he is going to lose this case without McCoy's help. Denny goes home that night and gets comforted by his husband--after Alan's hectic day of funding poor people's case and trying them and listening to the amusing stories--regarding it.

McCoy has a dream of a thirteen year old boy getting abducted near the kindergarten school his boys go to. He doesn't know when or where this is going to occur. He thinks he has a edge over the man but in reality he was showing him of what lead him to this. McCoy is not happy after he discovers this. George has a accident at Kindergarten and McCoy picks him up with his twin then takes them home. McCoy finds the psychics at his house, in the living room, knitting being happy as they cam be. McCoy has to make sure they are still alive to believe it. They tell him to ignore the visions from now on and readapt his life style. They make one major suggestion: be a doctor. He can't destroy a human life with being a doctor. He can't go back to a profession that he could not save his husband in. McCoy opts for finding a different job. Dog sitter. The boys are playing with their toys. S'Tamuel cries so McCoy gets the boy out of his room with his beanie on and has the other psychics, a mix of men and women, calm him down. They arrange for a road trip after the aquarium. Just him and his new found friends. Hank Son calls McCoy asking for his help on a difficult case. McCoy can see the vision of the killer with the new victim taunting him. And McCoy hates it but he has to say no. McCoy begins drinking to prevent himself from seeing the dead people BECAUSE HE CAN'T HELP THEM. HE JUST CAN'T. NOT ANYMORE. Somedays McCoy wishes that he can see his husband again but he knows that is never going to happen. McCoy and his three boys go to the aquarium with S'Tamuel in tow. McCoy has to gently tell Harold that they won't work out. Harold refuses to believe that because they can work things out. McCoy goes to the point of telling him that one of them isn't really born in this continent. Harold grows concerned asking him if he is okay and if he is a immigrant. McCoy nods, because that is the easiest way he can explain. He has a green card. He explains about the lengths his immigrant went to nest him here. McCoy admits that he was born in a Toccoa, Georgia but now this Georgia. He spills out the truth in a way that he could understand.  The man uses logic to explain away what he is saying. McCoy tells him that they have to be friends. Harold grows concerned for the doctor.

McCoy steps aside from Harold. Harold only grows determined to win the man over. The boys leave. Harold follows McCoy across the country showing up at random places. HE'S THERE. ALL RIGHT? He  finds the boys within a heavy crowd while the psychics are treating McCoy to his own vacation. One of the psychics is totally okay with one year old S'Tamuel. Harold treats the kids and they get drunk. Very drunk. Harold learns quickly not to feed the children chocolate. Harold finds their slurring very odd and how drunk like they act. He looks up for reasons why children get drunk. And of course, he comes across Vulcans. The children protest against taking the beanie off because  "daddy will be very angry" and he asks, "why?"  they plainly said that they don't exist. Harold takes the beanie off to reveal their eyebrows and their pointed ears. He deduces that logically, they are Vulcans. And Vulcans are real. They are here so therefore they are real. When the group drops McCoy off to the designated hotel room, Harold is waiting alongside it with the children tucked into bed. Harold tells him that he understands where McCoy is coming from and that he is quite honored to have met the famed man. He also says he will wait for as long as McCoy wants. McCoy feels a sense of loss at what just happened. He doesn't understand what just happened.  Harold also admits that he got himself flat broke and he just ran out of his vacation money to get himself a room. McCoy is still floored. McCoy apparently has plenty of money. Thousands, upon thousands, thousands of dollars from leaving his reality prepared. McCoy questions Harold to know if he moves around the bed. Oh, and if he snores. Harold doesn't know if he snores but he doesn't move in bed. McCoy shares his bed with Harold but the man must sleep under the blankets. Harold agrees to the terms. McCoy falls asleep and Harold wonders what happened to  Spock. S'Tamuel is snoring lightly. All three of the Vulcans are not wearing their beanies and at least all three of them have black hair. McCoy has the nightmare featuring the killer again so Harold strokes the man's shoulder and sings to him lightly changing the direction of the nightmare. McCoy's face relaxes. Harold stays up all night admiring McCoy's face and the children and watches them breath and live and sleep. He watches the twins sleep walk around the room, so he has to tell them go to bed. They respond to him and go to bed. On his feet. Harold is trapped by the boys. They don't want him to leave the following morning. So the bunch of psychics, sleep deprived, take the group to a remote location for camping. And then for karaoke. McCoy finds himself feeling glorified while Harold is making sure the little ones are okay and having fun. Harold has four hours of sleep. The children really like Harold and call him father. That night, the boys sleep in the same tent as the men with S'Tameul. Harold holds McCoy that night. He pulls McCoy close to him as he struggles. When McCoy awakens with a pant. Harold wakes up, and asks him what's wrong. McCoy lets it out. He tells him everything. And then it fits together why he is in a sleep deprived group. He then tells McCoy that it has to end. It can't continue forever.

McCoy falls asleep once more. A sixteen year old girl corners the killer in the very same room the family are in. And the killer realizes she is not supposed to be there. The sixteen year old informs McCoy of a family member around where he and his family are is about to be threatened in an hour and lists an exact illegal thing her killer is doing. The killer is outraged that she is here. Two ghosts can't be in here! The girl says,  "Who says we are asking for help?" The killer is then suddenly aware of other people in the room. Thirteen. All the people that people like McCoy could have helped. They all reflect the manner of their death. The killer screams running out then down the hallway and down the staircase followed by a mass of ghosts. The killer goes outside to the parking lot where the other ghosts say they are going to take him to hell whether he likes it or not.  And that this will end no matter how he kicks and screams. The man  is taken. McCoy awakens and calls the number that the sixteen year old told him to call. McCoy falls asleep shortly afterwards. In the morning there is breaking news of a serial killer having been caught due to a anonymous tip. McCoy feels a lot better. Harold notices the change in McCoy and asks if he had a good night rest. McCoy smiles back at Harold while taking a shower and the curtain is pulled back and informs him that he is better than okay, he is excellent. He can go back to his old job. That is if Denny Crane is still there and hasn't been forced to resign. Harold has a feeling he is still there.

One year later, Harold and McCoy have gotten married. Thanks in part to Harold's sheer determination of reassuring that "Even if you are fictional, you will live as a human and die as a human. You will have mattered in this life. You will always matter to me." Now share the house that McCoy bought as a family.  Harold adores the children to bits and McCoy usually does the cooking in the morning but Harold cooks dinner. Harold has been informed regarding that the children will leave one day and never come back. Ever.  Somewhere in their late thirties. Harold doesn't mind that part. But McCoy worries that the boys will have families by then and vanished without a trace. McCoy makes a contingency plan for that. He plans to inform the three children on a specific date on their eighteenth birthday. They both share the same last name, now, Harold Grayson McCoy and Leonard Horatio McCoy. McCoy wakes up once per night with nightmares and Harold is quite used to it and anticipates it when he can't sleep because the looks on McCoy face are so adorable, priceless, and breath taking. Worth it. McCoy uses his friendship with Catherine to get around the medical loop holes and the whole species ordeal about is children. Sometimes McCoy steals Nikki to translate for him during cases. Hank Son is happy to be working with someone he trusts over some hacks who tried to fill in his shoes. Harold Grayson McCoy snores.

We have a montage of McCoy waking up. There is this one part of the montage where the music fades into the background. He wakes up flailing, landing on the floor with a thump followed by, "Honey, is your victim drowning or were you drowning in your fear of being in something entirely new?" Because sometimes the dreams McCoy has are illogical, supernatural, and don't make sense. They rarely take an airplane to anywhere as a family because of some of his visions. Harold looks for the logic in every dream. McCoy does not plan to tell Harold about Spock and Jim. But you know what? McCoy is lucky that he has Harold and his best friend Denny Crane being a major flirt to anyone not relating to a case. He actually reminds him a lot of a aged James T. Kirk now that he thought of it. McCoy dreams of a old Spock visited by a man strikingly looking like him with a device on his shoulder and holding his hand out, "Doctor McCoy, EMH Mark VII. And I am goin' to get your ass out of your head. Fixin' minds has improved recently in medicine for Vulcans." The old Spock just simply doesn't understand. "That's okay, because I am goin' to do somethin' that the original McCoy will be proud of." The  Vulcan finally takes the man's hand and shakes it as it transitions to Harold taking McCoy by the hand down a unusual zoo without cages and has plastic walls and is large and comfy to the animals followed by the children in beanies and short sleeves. The montage continues showing the happy family growing older, in the kitchen, walking in and out, then of a really aged up Harold and McCoy being part of a shuttle craft visit to Mars. And Harold kissing McCoy's cheek. McCoy talking to thin air, agreeing, "Yes, it's a wonderful view. How lon' you been dead?" He apparently enjoys what he does now that he is retired. McCoy is happy and so is Harold. The final part of the montage ends with young bright eyed McCoy waking up from a dream then going over to jot down onto a padd and taking a phone out, "Did you just dream a murder on our honeymoon?" From the side of the bed. McCoy shakes his head, "You signed up for this marryin' me." Harold tosses a pillow over toward him. And so McCoy tosses it back only to end up falling out of bed right as he dialed the number. And then the scene fades to black.

The End.

Dedicated in honor of Deforest Kelley.