#so the fact that ive pumped out these three things that im actually happy with

[kingarmorking]

writing is so goddamn hard

trying to put your thoughts into words in how you want the story to go? trying to get the motivation to actually write? constant rewrites and feeling like you could do better? write something in a more pleasing way?

its hard! its so hard and tiring! but FUCK when you get into the groove of it and you just watch as the words appear from your fingertips and you just Keep Going. doesnt have to be something long! a short one shot, dialogue only shorts, anything!

it feels so fucking good

[dwaekkicidal]

💕Positivity prime time! Share five things you love about yourself, four things you're excited about, OR three people you care deeply about and why. Pass this along to someone else who makes you smile💕

hehehehehehehe ily

ill do 4 things im excited about :3

this stupid fucking class im in to be over 😭ive genuinely never hated a class more than i do this one, and i LIKE school. im a fucking geek 😐 i love learning all the time and im actually super excited to get my masters once im done with this degree

Overwatch x World of Warcraft collab coming out today!!! I'm so excited :'))) WoW is a really important part of my childhood despite the fact that i dont play it anymore, but considering Blizzard is doing a like self-collab to put a little bit more of WoW into Overwatch makes me so happy

getting back into writing! (also specifically Kinktober)! this ones kinda self explanatory lol, but im (hoping) to write enough to be able to participate in kinktober this year (which is why i havent posted my "masterlist" for it yet; im not sure if i will be able to write enough for it) but theres always so much content getting put out around this time for every fandom im in, so im gonna be getting fed real good lol

a possible part two of the collab with bboki :33 we havent even discussed doing the other 4 yet, but im kinda hyped to write more hybrid stuff.. i had fun with the ones we did lol

small yap about 1 & 3

this class im in has been absolutely kicking my ass (and i honestly might flunk it because its almost over and im not doing great :/) but i cant fucking wait for it to be over so i can go back to being horny all the time and pumping out posts (AND reopening requests at some point :((()

[custom-emojis]

trees-the-bees said: Hey! I sent an ask a little bit ago, but had no idea you were getting surgery! I'm so sorry I didn't see that! But the fact that you did is amazing!!! And when I'm old enough, I'm going to go through with it myself, what is the experience like if you don't mind me asking?

okay this ask was lost in The Great Inbox Nuking of 2020 but I really did mean to answer it and im finally going to, It’s just been. Hectic. for me. Anyways, I got top surgery through trans care/three bridges in BC, they hooked me up with doing most of the work of finding a dr etc. 

BEFORE I CONTINUE, KEEP IN MIND: I am not a Doctor! This is my personal experience, and experiences may vary! 

I waited for two and a half years. Almost 3 years, before getting a referral for Dr.Mckee in Burnaby BC (I’m fine with saying what Dr I went too, even if it reveals around where I live. I’m an adult)

He was alright to work with but i felt very rushed and nervous with him. but to walk to you through it, you’ll get to go to an appointment where he’ll take a look at your chest, maybe do some measurements, but mostly just talk. You’ll talk about what you want, what you want your scar shape to be (sometimes you get a choice in that!) if you want nipple grafts, and pros and cons of each thing, etc. 

At least in my case my Dr discouraged nipple grafts since they’re very sensitive and delicate, but I elected to get them and am happy with them :D 

You’ll also need to discuss quitting smoking if that’s something you do, Weed is okay if that’s something you do. Vaping is not allowed, no nic juice is. 

So basically, if you use anything with nicotine you’ll HAVE to quit before surgery. Go with what your dr tells you, but I quit about two-three weeks before surgery cold turkey. I smoked a lot of weed during it to help cope and that was totally fine as long as you’re not high the day of or the day before surgery. When it was time to go in, surgery was extremely early. I got up around 5am for surgery lol. Had to be at the hospital for 7am and you cant eat or drink anything (not even water). You do a LOT of waiting and eventually they ask you to change into your gown. The doctor will come and talk with you, draw some marks on your chest, and they’ll do basic tests like a urine test (they did for me to test I had no nicotine in my system, as I was a smoker), and blood pressure, etc. 

Then there’s more waiting. Seriously. A lot of waiting. Eventually they’ll give you some pills to take. These are antinauseants and pain killers from what I was told. Then they do the IV. God I was terrified for the IV and the doctor (not my surgeon) sucked at it. It hurt like a bitch. So heres my advice if you’re scared of needles like I am! 

Ask to wait for the anesthesiologist. 

After the Dr failed I was bawling my eyes out and panicking and asked to wait for the anesthesiologist since he knows what he’s doing, and asked him for some numbing cream. sure enough, he got me some numbing cream and when it was time for me to get the IV he used a small needle and I didn’t feel a thing! It was fantastic. The nurses were great and very comforting and the when you get the anestetics you mostly feel nothing? Like, for me it burned my hand a bit bc I had the smaller needle, but it got me to sleep! 

If you wanna know what it feels like to go under, i unfortunately cant tell you much. I was just out like a light. They thankfully didn’t do the countdown for me, that’d of made me panic. I was just asleep, then suddenly awake. I personally had a really bad panic attack when I woke up from surgery but once I calmed down from that I was actually pretty good. I didn’t feel high or doped up. Eventually I was given more pain medication, you gotta wait around for a while to fully come out of all the drugs you were pumped full of, then you gotta get a ride home (you cant take public transit, you need a ride). 

Then it’s immense amounts of sleep, pain killers, and bed rest for a week! 

That week is the hardest. You can barely move, you gotta wear a tight, uncomfortable, medical binder the entire time and you gotta sleep on your back. 

but once that weeks over with, you can start to slowly get back to your usual routine and you’re considered more or less good by a month post op! 

The doctor might want another appointment at the month mark to see how things look and give you final advice, but otherwise you’re basically good! 

If you wanna know anything else, feel free to ask any questions but hopefully this gives a walk through of the process and what it was like! 

[shattered-catalyst]

Three times.

I wanted to try something a little different here. I wanted to try writing first person perspective!! Wow I havent done this in YEARS.

Summary: Taking place between the meeting Rictor thread and the camping thread. Addressing some development that took place behind the scenes as it were. Rictor AU so not same Rictor but a Rictor because the ideas were cute. Like come on gimmie some happy Rictor any day I will fight for happy Rictor.

Excerpt:

I tried to tell him they were not actually apples. Apples come whole and not in bags with water in them and demonic boxes with eyes. I explain it must be a contraption of Lord Mojo’s doing. Rictor’s face turns sour. I may have ruined the food for him.

I was most certainly not prepared for this at all. My telling Rictor about the diner was my way of showing I was somewhat receptive to him entering my world. But now here he was, walking towards my usual booth in that ridiculous brown jacket. His motorbike (which i want) is parked outside, glinting in the sun. Doing a small greeting he sits down a crossed from me like this is no big deal. Nothing different from his regular Tuesday.

“Coffee. Thats all thanks.” Rictor orders with the kind of casual attitude I wonder if I could ever replicate. Where ever this man goes he looks completely natural. It is irritating. It is like NOTHING touches him. Like he IS the very earth itself.Always connected. “Crossword?”

I nod, turning it so he can see it right side up. “Yes.”

He seems slightly,off by the shortness of my comment.  Ive heard I need to start elaborating more when I talk. 

“You uh do those a lot?”

“Yes”

“Ah.” Thank goodness Stacey is back with the coffee, she and Rictor make small talk about the weather before she rushes off to chat with a regular. We sit in silence, Rictor stirring his coffee. Looking much too curious about the types of sugar on the table. I glance up only once to see if he is still there; he is.

“Rosewell crash victim,supposedly. Five letters.” Im chewing my pencil again and I do not care.

He looks confused for a few seconds, before looking down at the crossword. “Alien.”

“Spell it.”

“A-l-i-e-n.” He takes a sip of coffee. Silence passes and I nod to him. It fits.

I take a sip from mine, holding the pencil to paper. “Done by itself. Machine. Starts with M-E-C.”

“Mechanical. M-e-c-h-a-n-i-c-a-l.”

“When you receive money: four letters ends with D.”

“My favorite. “He takes a sip and then gives me a funny look when I express my confusion that that wouldn’t fit the spaces provided. “Try paid. P-a-i-d.”

 We spend a good hour like that. I am surprise he stayed, once the puzzle is finished I fold it. Placing it in my pocket to copy the words down later. 

I stand, he looks at me but I do not make eye contact. Do not want him to see my eyes as I leave. “8 am.”

“What?” Hes halfway after me out the door, holding it open. 

“I come at 8 am. Everyday.”

As I turn to leave I see him smile.

“Rictor, I have eaten two of these happy meals and I do not feel any happier. I believe you have been mislead.” I am concerned now. He is trying very hard for something I am uncertain of. This is the second time I have seen him. His brown wavy hair still new to me. Still fluffy and soft enough that I make sure to have some odd excuse to touch it. I hope he doesnt mind.

Now we are sitting in a fast food place, complete with garish colors and screaming children. It is very, new. He was uncertain.

“Yeah, well the drive thru is packed.” Taking a sip of soda he pokes at the bag of what should be apple slices, but I somehow doubt they are. “Eat.”

I tried to tell him they were not actually apples. Apples come whole and not in bags with water in them and demonic boxes with eyes. I explain it must be a contraption of Lord Mojo’s doing. Rictor’s face turns sour. I may have ruined the food for him.

We come to a bargain he will eat half the not-actually-apples if I eat the other half.

Rictor has taken me to a movie, said it would be good for learning. I insist we sit in the very back so we cannot be ambushed. He seems to find this amusing. The theater was fascinating and the action sequences done quite well, for earthlings. I enjoyed how immersive the experience was and barely touched my popped corn. Rictor did not seem to mind as he ate my cup as well as his own. He seemed quite pleased.

“I only feel the death of the main warrior was a waste of his potential.”

He glances at me as we leave, stopping before we get out of the theater’s gloomy corridor. “You know, they didn’t actually die right? In the movie they died but in real life that dudes still around.”

The explanation baffles me slightly. “Of course, this has been explained to me already. Although the concept is new, I sort of enjoy it. Seeing the same person try on different roles is quite applicable.” At least to his current situation it was. Before he would think it was cowardly to not know your role. Now he questioned everything.

“Just checking.” Rictor seems relieved and puts his sun glasses on, pushing open the heavy doors. Light consumes us. For a moment my breath catches, pupils contracting sharply. I am no longer with Rictor in New York. I am not where I should be. Instantly my chest is heaving and I am stepping backwards. Earth shaking beneath my feet.

 Somehow I end up a few feet from the door, catching my breath in an alcove with fountains for water. I realize after a few heartbeats Rictor has been calling me. But his voice is so far away, I barely hear him over the roar of the crowd. I am not certain what is happening, but I am more than certain that the arena is on the other side of those doors. The long narrow hallway had been unsettling before but now it was sinister and familiar.

The earth is speaking to me in whispers, pointing me where to go. But before I can follow he is there. Rictor reaches to touch me and I feel myself freeze. But he does not strike me, he leans against the wall beside me, his eyes look hurt. I have hurt him.

I dont know how long we stood there, but the earth was still again and I allowed myself to step out to stand by his side. Swallowing a hard lump in my throat I gently joustle his shoulder with my own. Leaving it there to show I was alright with contact now. He seems relieved, but I still feel ashamed of hurting his feelings. It clouds my uemeur.

His gaze goes from me and back to the door. “C’mon.” Wrapping an arm around my shoulder he begins walking us to the door. I resist, stopping him just short of the exit.

“Rictor, I.” I pause unsure how to explain what I need to. The hand on my shoulder tightens and he squeezes me closer. I feel connected again. Solidly grounded to the Earth.

Sighing he looks at the door and then at a group of people watching us. “What the fuck are you looking at buddy? Yeah thats what I thought mind your own damn business!” He turns back to me nose still wrinkled “listen, I dont know whats going on between you and this door.” Unspoken words were: tell me whats wrong.

I look away feeling ashamed, but he wants me to try so I do my best. I will always do my best for him. “The light. It is like entering the arena.” His lips tighten a bit, I am unsure if I hurt him again. But I hope I haven’t.

He holds me a bit closer and pumps his fist. “Then we will enter the arena together. I bet we can knock down some walls. Squish Mojo flat. What do you say?” He sounds so genuine, so positive, so....Odd. I am fairly certain he is forcing peppy bravado. It is, slightly endearing.

Raising a brow at him I frown. “Rictor what is wrong with you.”

“Hahah what ISNT wrong with me.” He rubs my shoulder, other hand firmly on the push bar. “Just close your eyes, and Ill tell you when you can open them.”

I feel that it may be needed to explain to Rictor that I am not an idiot. Although the mere fact I have to do so is irritating. He is standing in front of the diner with me, leaning against his truck. Some beat up thing, I suppose it is in good enough shape that it is reliable. The back is over flowing with things pinned down by a tarp. It makes me uneasy. But Rictor’s neutral smile and relaxed appearance settled the suspicion. 

Abruptly he opens the driver door and clicks a button. “Right, look in my car, this bag broke.” He holds up a bag of starbursts. Economy sized. Tropical fruit variety. I feel my eyes grow wider. 

“I think some went under the seats, y’know? My hands are too big to get under there.”

“Very well.” I get in and began collecting them for him, obviously he did not want them melting in his car. It was very warm out and I noticed that they melted into sticky pools at a certain temperature. 

Rictor gets in, starts the car and stares at me a moment. Fingers tapping the wheel hes looking a bit, thoughtful. Maybe even pensive. Thats a word right? “Make sure you get them all.” He shuts the door and the car pulls out.

 I am totally aware he is distracting me. But there are many candies here and they are going to ruin his carpet. Then he would be disappointed. Why I care I have no idea. But I do. Somehow. I think I will try and accept this feeling and work with it.

“Keep looking.” His voice is lighter, I glance up and see he is staring at the road in front of us. The smile isn’t on his face, but its in his voice I can hear it. I wish I could see his eyes to know for sure....

[survivor-hosts]

Ep. #1: “Back Into the Groove of Things” - Scott

The cast was announced and both tribes started calls in their tribe chats.  Some early alliances started based on past relationships.  The first twist was that the tribes had to elect a Tribe Captain.  Regan took charge on Naicha demanding she be captain.  On Jinsei, they strategized about it for hours with Lydia using Sam and Scott to help make her Tribe Captain.  The first challenge was Winterbells and MJ lead Naicha to a hefty win.  After losing, The Alliance of Sam, Scott, and Lydia (The Three Muskequeers) tried to decide whether to vote out Austin or Catherine.  They decided to go with Cat due to her poor challenge performance and her connections on the other tribe. Connah figured it was him who was going home and ultimately self voted.

Tbh I’m really bored so I’m gonna make a pre-game confessional before the game starts. I really am excited to be back and playing my official last season of Tumblr Survivor (and ORG) ever. I want more than anything for this season to end on a good note, so I plan on giving it my all and hoping for the best. I think the timing for me to come back is especially perfect, mainly because in the past my personal life was mixing in with the ORGs and it got to the point where I had a big mental breakdown in front of the family dinner table. That’s why I took a break; I just had so much going on personally that I had to stop using ORGs as an escape from my problems and actually face them. It’s been about a year and a half since I was involved with ORGS and I’m really happy with the person that I am today and to say that I resolved most of my personal dilemmas that I had. There’s been so many seasons that I was considered for since Ancient Greece, but honestly the timing in my personal life didn’t work out and I would drop out in order to take care of myself (Easter Island, Sri Lanka, Generations [not 100% sure about this one], India, and Solomon Islands). This time the only conflict I may have is that I work night shift some nights, but lately I’ve been scheduled on day shifts so hopefully it stays like that so it doesn’t interfere with challenges and the game itself. But honestly I think I can work around it game wise plus many people talk during the day and late at night so it can benefit me. This season is actually really scary for me going into it mainly because I don’t know who to really expect. It’s an all-host season, so obviously it’s going to be all retuning players but I really haven’t been involved with this community in a long time. I could see a lot of familiar faces, or I could see a lot of newbies from the seasons I didn’t follow. I think I’m honestly going to be such a huge target coming back into the game. I say this mainly because lately I’ve noticed there’s a trend where guys who disappear for a long time and come back will end up winning (Jake B, Simon, Tommy, Stoner, and  Mitchell to name a few). So to be coming back after two years could put me in danger and others may see me as a threat, which is why I need to be extremely cautious. Plus I personally have a huge reputation that I refuse to destroy. Every time I’ve played I’ve never been pre-merge/pre-jury, and I don’t want to know what that feels like. Plus I haven’t played Tumblr Survivor in 2 years, and I know a lot has changed when it comes to the game format. Hopefully I can adapt to it quickly and be conscious the entire time. I’ve only spoken to like maybe 6 people from the community after Malaysia ended. I don’t really have anyone to possibly pregame an alliance with. The only reason why I applied is because Regan convinced me to and I spoke to Trevor about it to make sure it was legit. I know she applied, but if she’s cast I don’t think it would be in my best interest to keep her around (I’m sorry Regan I love you). I just feel like everyone would know how close we are and it would put a huge target on my back, or make it bigger along with everything else. I haven’t spoken to her about possibly being on this season, and I plan on keeping it that way. But other than her, I don’t know anyone who could possibly be on this season which could be a good thing or a bad thing for me. Good thing is that I’m a single person and if there’s a big group/pre-game then I can be a part of a group to go against the pre-game. However, if people are like “let’s go with the pre-game group over the individuals” than I could be screwed early on in the game and possibly be the first boot. Honestly my biggest fear is just being pre-merge and doing worse than ever in my Tumblr survivor career. Idk, maybe things can all work out for the best for me, I’m remaining optimistic about all of this and I really can’t wait to get back into the groove of things.

i literally wrote the saltiest jury speech ever towards lydia when we were in riau together and now she is on my tribe fjdkafjdskalfjkldjafdfs. we got along well enough in riau and in hindsight i definitely was way too salty towards her but hopefully no bad blood carries over from riau into this game.

Can't wait to be first boot

[2017-06-07 8:34:48 PM] Jessy: first impression? josh icon [2017-06-07 8:34:56 PM] Jessy: i feel like he's the only person getting invested in my convo. [2017-06-07 8:34:57 PM] Jessy: SKLJSLSJK [2017-06-07 8:35:17 PM] Trevor [Host of Hosts]: Am I gonna have to copy all this into a confessional or will you write one later :p [2017-06-07 8:35:23 PM] Jessy: i'll write one later [2017-06-07 8:36:04 PM] Trevor [Host of Hosts]: Thank you !

HI Trevor. It's your fave mom, Sam McCanada. Look at my son doing his momma proud 

i am god awful at winterbells.  i am god awful at every single flash game. this will be fun. the first night is always weird because i keep having tons of tiny conversations and they're all just small talk. everyone knows that these conversations are just small talk at the beginning of the game and yet we have these conversations anyway, fully well knowing that they mean almost nothing at this point. i feel like ive been out of the tumblr survivor community for so long that i am so disconnected from everyone here, and that immediately makes me feel like im in trouble. they all know each other so well, and while i know almost everyone here on a very basic level, i'm not particularly close with anyone here. ive played with a few people here before. in riau i essentially yelled at lydia in my jury speech and then proceeded to not vote for her in FTC. the one and only time i played with andrew, i voted him out. i'd like to think that feelings from previous games dont carry over, but i know that they do for some people. i don't know. i dont feel safe. 

why is connor so impulsive? i love the kid but 5 minutes into the game i'm already in an alliance with him and drew when drew and i haven't even talked yet sjhfsdkjfa. More detailed confessional later~

[2017-06-07 9:11:49 PM] Jessy: NO ONE IS talking to me. [2017-06-07 9:11:52 PM] Jessy: Can't wait to be on the bottom [2017-06-07 9:43:24 PM] Jessy: i like josh.. [2017-06-07 9:43:30 PM] Jessy: regan rlly tried me.. [2017-06-07 9:43:35 PM] Jessy: mj is a snake... [2017-06-07 9:43:38 PM] Jessy: matt is a snake... [2017-06-07 9:43:52 PM] Jessy: connor seems like a person who's gna be in a good position... [2017-06-07 9:44:08 PM] Jessy: allison and i idk her yet that well [2017-06-07 9:44:18 PM] Jessy: drew idk her yet that well [2017-06-07 9:44:18 PM] Jessy: KLSSJKL [2017-06-07 9:44:20 PM] Jessy: *him. [2017-06-07 9:44:31 PM] Trevor [Host of Hosts]: Lol [2017-06-08 1:26:44 PM] Jessy: i just wanna make an alliance that can watch shit on rabbit and have a fun time. [2017-06-08 2:35:32 PM] Jessy: regan wants a girls alliance [2017-06-08 2:35:34 PM] Jessy: BKLMSLKMFSDKLM [2017-06-08 2:38:45 PM] Jessy: its a concept yeah. [2017-06-08 2:57:07 PM] Jessy: im just tryna be utr. [2017-06-08 2:57:14 PM] Jessy: wide the waves. [2017-06-08 2:57:23 PM] Jessy: find my crew and watch tv shows on rabbit. [2017-06-08 2:57:48 PM] Jessy: mi opciones es no grande :/

Hey I'm back who wants to see me get 12th again??????? Or worse. BUT YEAH. I'M FUCKING BACK IN A MAIN SEASON YA'LL. Third times the charm I guess, but honestly I'm so scared. Pumped, but scared. This is - like I said - third time playing, and my first 2 times I got 12th. So fuck me in the ass amirite? Like, if I get 12th or worse I'll probably casually go into a major depressive episode for a little bit. So I have a LOT riding on these first impressions. First impressions are everything, and I don't really know these people very well? So it is VITAL to me if I even want to have a game in this mess to have a good social game right off the bat. And everyone seems cool at the moment? I'm just nervous about preexisting relationships and all that jazz and mumbo jumbo. I mean, I am the newest person on the tribe I think in terms of how long I've been here? In fact, I think only person younger to the community in this game than me is Connor Wubbenndjfm on the other tribe. Preexisting relationships are just scary. Like, I was on the call tonight with a few of the people. And they were all nice! But I kinda felt like a high schooler volunteering at an old person's home. ASDFGHJK I'm SORRY OKAY it's just that literally everyone was sharing war stories of like 2 plus years ago and I've been here for a year and a half so. Not a lot I could have contributed! But like I said, everyone seems cool. For not at least. And that's what I like. Keep the discourse at a minimum for the time being please! But yeah I guess if I had to give a quick opinion on everyone just from tonight: Scott: Super cool! Very easy to talk to. Bonded over our love for Isaac McDicksucc. I'm hoping he's not just doing some "be this social to everyone thing" and actually found a better-than-average connection with me because if so, I would like to work with him. David Robb: Person I actually know! Hosted me in TAR and shit and I've voted him out of a side. But I'm hoping we can work together? At least for now. I know I'm gonna sound hypocritical, but I feel like this is the only preexisting relationship I might need. I probably know the least amount of people here so gimme a break okay? Bitches... Sam McCanada: Cool girl! Remembered watching her host Transylvania. Know she's done super good and has slayed in CYS which is super threatening because I've heard that's a hard as ORG. If she tries to be the controlling type then it'd be best to be with her as opposed to against her - at least for premerge. Connah: He seems chill. He was on the call but didn't talk much and we kinda talked RRN. I know he's close to Lydia and MJ so I gotta watch out for that. If we go to tribal first I would go for him or Lydia only if someone voiced wanting to break up potential alliances first. Other than that I wanna keep my head down. Lydia: Same alliance type deal word vomit thing I just said above. But she seemed nice even though I only talked to her for a little. I'll try talking to her more tomorrow to feel things out. Austin: GOOD. BYE. I do NOT want to play with Austin Trevino. No sir. Goodbye Spongebob goodbye goodbye. Like he's a damn mess to play with and to watch play. He quit a side premerge the second things weren't going his way. And I know he's gonna try kissing my ass and kiss up to everyone and think he has this AMAZING social game. Like... no... sweety... no. But ya know what? Seemingly easy first boot cannon fodder. If need be. Catherine: Yay! Honestly love Cat. She won my first ever ORG (a side) a year and a half ago and I got 6/24 there so I spent a lot of time with her there. But then she kinda died? But now she's back! Out of herself, Austin, and Lydia - she didn't have an excuse for not being around. Idk how social she'll be but I wanna at least have her for myself. Okay whew. Other than all this nonsensical shit I just typed above, there's the other tribe which I can go more in depth about a little later once I sleep and process everything. Drew? Love him but farewell. Regan? Other tribe's Austin. Matt fucking Summers? I gtg suddenly. MJ? Could kill me but I wanna kill him first. Allison? My mom and one of my best friends but tbh this isn't Pacific Islands and I'll vote her out if I have to. Etc. Etc. There was Conner Wubben who's cool but I don't really know. 2 others I can't remember right now asdfghj oops. Oh we also have a challenge and I suck at desktop Winterbells so there's that too. If we coulda used the mobile app well :~) that woulda been fun. But Trevor apparently hates fun and friendship. Oh yeah and fuck this twist. It's 2:30 am and I'm tired and I'll talk more in a video confessional tomorrow so gnight and wish my flop ass luck because I'll need a little if I wanna get past that 12th placement hehe. *Takes a shot or 4*

I'm back for my 3rd go, and I feel as though I have a lot to prove not only to myself but to the community as well. It's been well over a year since I last played Tumblr Survivor, and I do think I've grown a lot as a game player. Coming into this season, I felt flattered by the shape and size this cast has been brought about. I'm standing here with castaways from All-Stars, multiple winners, and well-known players all in the same season. To me, this is both a curse and a blessing. A blessing because I'm the unknown of this season. The wildcard if that. I'm here coming off a mess that I played in Bhutan, and a lackluster performance in R&R. Not many people know my gameplay or how I evolved into what has become my playstyle. A lot of these players are "Old School" (characterized by the grouping from Generations), and I'm not well known inside the community. The curse for me this season comes with the realization of outside bonds formed from the casts' older seasons. These people know each other. They know how they play, and in order for me to win with the likes of Summers and MJ playing then I'm going to need to play to the absolute best of my ability. I need to play a game that is true to myself that can only represent why I, Austin Trevino, am the best possible outcome for a winner this season. Something I know I'm weak on is my social gameplay. For me, this season, I need to overhaul my playstyle to focus my strategic game SOLEY on my social gameplay. Play smart, not hard. I need to realize that I'm in this for 39 days, and not just round by round. My physical gameplay is lackluster at that, so I need to be able to make up for it by spreading awareness to my tribemates as to why I am an ideal candidate in benefiting their game. In doing so, I've already worked to the best of my ability to find 1 thing I can use as a reminder that I'm not some "nobody" they've never met before. So far I've reached out to the entire tribe and connected with each of them on the following: Andrew - We played Comoros together. I've also been talking to him about some Solomon reps for Cutthroat, but he is someone I genuinely like. I need to go deeper in getting to know HIM as a person, but I do believe he is someone I would like to work with in the future. Him and I are both pre-merge flops, so I do think we can see eye-to-eye in allowing ourselves that window of opportunity to take over. Scott - Scott is nice, supportive, and relatable. He is someone that is coming back into these ORGs for the first time in a long while, and I do think I can relate to him in the fact that this is something we haven't done in a while. He's going back to school to major in psychology because he wants to become a school psychologist. I've taken AP Psych in high school (LOL), so I do see myself working a friendship over with him through various small talks which could transform into something larger. Lydia - Lydia doesn't remember this all too well, but we played Storybook: Neverland together. She knows how willing I was to give my game for her and be loyal, so I do think she is someone that would gladly look to keep me. I reminded her of all this when I brought up voting out Jordan Pines on Jordan Pines Day. She's smart, and no one can deny that. Her placements are BY FAR the best average placements in this entire cast. It's threatening to see her on this season, but it's comforting to know that I can bring up a fond moment from a past game in order to share my expression of loyalty towards a person. David - David and the entire cast of BBHell2 hated my gameplay. That was 2 years ago, however. David knows and called me out on my horrific social gameplay in jury, so I need to prove to David that my social gameplay isn't an issue anymore. To start, I brought up some things about David's job as a cashier and found a way to relate to his job with mine (I'm a cashier as well). I think it really shows a lot when, after 2 years, you can remember something about someone even when they criticized your social gameplay. (See, I do listen to people >.>). I like David. Connah - Literally he was my host for R&R, so I immediately had something to open up with. I didn't last long in R&R, so the window of opportunity is wide open when it comes to establishing something. Cat - OK LITERALLY I LOVE HER, JOSH, AND CONNOR (who are all in this game and I need to immediately make a mental note that they're a trio in my books), BECAUSE THEY ALL HOSTED ME IN PERU AND THAT SEASON SUCKED BUT THEY WERE LIT. Cat hasn't been around all that much for me to talk to (or maybe I'm being ignored?), but I do hope to connect with her again by bringing up Peru and some friends we do have in common. Sam - Sam I've probably spoken to the most. She's "fresh" off of an Okinawa victory, and I do see myself trusting her. I voted for her as tribe captain and I would definitely like to see her place some level of trust in me. I just find it easier to talk to her over most others. I like Sam. This season I need to prove to myself that I can outlast the 3rd tribal council. Both seasons I've played have seen me voted out then. I can't OVERPLAY. Building relationships is what matters most here. As for the twist(s) of the season, I do think it's bittersweet. Trevor has turned this into a hunger games for Hosts. We created our own Weapons of Murder. I don't see this turning into a Redemption Island season with a cast of 16, so I do think this season is going to be idol heavy in terms of the various idols. Most of these hosts have held their unique idol twists, so when idol searching does come about, I need to be on the lookout for anything and everything imaginable.

im in a super weird position here because im super close with connor and josh on the other tribe. the thing that makes it an awkward position is that EVERYONE knows how close we are. we started our own survivor platform together and we're currently on the hosting chart for another main season. connor, josh, and i literally hosted austin in a season together. i definitely know that i'm a target because of this. the votes for tribe captain are due in 15 minutes and no one has talked to me about it. im just going to vote for some random person and hope that its with the majority, however i (ONCE AGAIN) dont feel safe.

i'm trying to stay on the down low but i don't know if that's helping me or hurting me. on the one hand, it helps because it keeps me out of the spotlight a bit. but on the other, it might hurt because i might not be bonding with people as much as i could be. fjdksaljfdsaklj i dont know what's happening

i love jake gyllenhaal

So, things are going kind of well, I think. First off, Josh and I are together, which is great, but Cat is alone on blue. Frankly, out of the three of us, Cat being alone was worse case scenario. I knew if I was alone that I would have been able to finagle my way into things and build relationships because the game I play is very social. Cat says that talking to people is a chore. So.... rip cat? I know Drew and Josh very well going into this game, MJ fairly well as he hosted me in RnR and Palawan, and Regan was technically in RnR with me and we played a storybook season together. Im also fairly good friends with Matt, so I definitly think there is room for me to pull some strings and get some control over this mess before it turns around too quick and gets me. Regan being tribe leader is good for me I think. She's very easily influenced, or she has been in the past, and I think she will be good for my game as long as she doesn't pull a Regan and do something crazy. And lets be real, we all know she will. Drew, Josh, and I do have an alliance, although there has been little to no talk in that chat. Rip. Also, Drew probably knows that if it were a f2 and it came down to the three of us, Josh and I would choose each other, so I need to do some work there to make him feel more comfortable in that three than he is now. I love Allison. Day 1 there was a tribe call and it ended up just being the two of us, and we watched a performance of Hamilton we did for show choir, and she is SO fun. I like her A LOT. Jessy? I like because she likes my dog. That's really all I have to say about her right now, yikes.

Me, looking at the wiki for the first time since premiere night: who the FUCK is Jessy???????

Well I’m really bored right now waiting for a call to happen so I better start one of these. I’m really happy to be back here and I like the tribe. Sam and I spoke on the first minute of the game and reconnected due to previous relationship. I like her and definitely want to work far. I don’t think it’s in my best interest to go all the way with her but I think it’s a smart idea to keep her around for the current moment. She wanted to make an alliance between Lydia and us and I was okay because I find Lydia to be quite comical. We spoke on who could possibly be the tribe captain and Lydia agreed she would. I think working with Sam and Lydia short term is ideal mainly because they both have gone far in multiple seasons and know how to do it, so sticking with them can benefit me significantly. I consider them to be my #1 alliance for now just because I usually respect the first alliance I ever make. I also have a good relationship with Andrew. The two of us talked and agreed we would work together. I want him to do well in this game just because he’s never made merge (and I think hes really cute rip) and I think he would be someone to benefit me as an easy #1 ally. I’m not sure what long term plans are but all I know is I want him around and I will riot to whomever to ensure he stays. David I like as well. We both spoke and agreed we don’t want the other to be the first boot. Sam and Lydia seem to really like him so we know he can be the easy #4 to our alliance. The only people I’m not really aligned with so far are Austin, Catherine, and Connor, and ideally I want one of the three to be the first boot when we lose because MJ is too good at winterbells for us to possibly win. Austin kinda annoys me so far just because he reaches out to me every single day. And like I know hes been doing the same to others just by communicating with them and I find that to be messy. Like its one thing to talk to people once in a while, but to do so every day like that is a bit sketchy. And like he hasn’t even talked game with me, it’s all just personal talk. Which is nice, but I don’t want to be the first to talk game with everyone because it makes me a threat. Catherine I only spoke to once because I messaged her. We talked about her flopping in Galapagos. I know she has a relationship with Josh so she could be an easy boot, but at the same time that connection could help long term. As for Connor, I personally think he shouldn’t be here.  He’s going through a lot personally losing someone close to him and I think he should take time off to grieve and stuff. But I can’t make that decision for him. Other than that, he hasn’t reached out to me so idk how to feel about him. A plus to aligning with Sam and Lydia so early on is that Lydia gave me the idol map for being the captain. I felt obligated to share it with them because I couldn’t lie and be like “Oh Lydia gave me this” early on. So now we’re all hunting for the idol. During this idol hunt I found the Amulet of Abduction. I plan on keeping this for the swap, that way if im in the minority I can get an alliance member over to my side and either screw their game over or regain majority on my tribe. But the Amulet stays to myself for now. And because we lost immunity, I gotta discuss the vote. So far I am loyal to Lydia and Sam, and I can get Andrew to do whatever Lydia, Sam, and I want to do. And they like David so I’m sure I can convince them to vote out one of the three ppl I haven’t spoken to. But yeah, I’ll update this later tonight cause I can’t flop playing for my first time in two years. It’s game on bitches, and I’m ready to play.

literally no one talks in this game and im so annoyed cause we lost the challenge and these people are acting like nothing even happened... oh well, hopefully i dont become the first boot cause my paranoia is getting me. like its really odd that no one is talking. in Ancient Greece no one really spoke to me, and i found out i was in the minority after that season ended. The only reason why i got far was because we ended up not losing challenges until swap and we just lost our first challenge so i hope it isnt me. i can't varner my ass out of this game cause its been 2 years and i just wanna play but no one wants to play which sucks!!!

So I'm gay and this tribe is a bunch of mutes. Basically I was on a call with Scott that ended up being 2 and a half hours? And now we're supposedly closest allies. Which is fun! Scott is really cool and I really AM hoping I'm his closest ally and he's not just pulling generic social game bullshit. But we also talked about the vote and he said Austin's name first. Not me! So I really want Austin to go home because he's a shady fuck. Like... Okay so he keeps talking about all of this shit that comes off as so fake. He says we have to break our curses and I'm like what's this "we" you heterosexual potato. Like he ain't good at these games and if he stays over me? I riot the streets. So yeah I talked to Sam a bit too and she - like Scott - told me I'm the person she's talking to the most. Which! Might be a lie. But ya know what I'll run with it. I'm also making a point to talk to Cat on the side because I love Cat and if she's not being super social then I wanna make a point to talk to her. My talks with David and Lydia are kinda spotty, and then I don't talk to Connor much. But he is going through some personal things right now and I hope he's okay so I'll obviously let him deal with that. Personal things prioritize these games for sure. TL;DR - I want to kick Austin's ass back to str8 lakes where it belongs. Just as long as I'm not the person bringing up his name first :~)

[2017-06-08 6:37:55 PM] Trevor [Host of Hosts]: What is happening [2017-06-08 6:38:04 PM] Jessy: LITERALLY NOTHING WHICH IS WHY I'M SHOOK!! [2017-06-08 6:38:21 PM] Jessy: matt and i had a convo and he told me about regan giving him the advantage [2017-06-08 6:38:25 PM] Jessy: and i lied and acted like she didnt give it to me either [2017-06-08 6:38:32 PM] Jessy: and now im scared regan told him i got it too [2017-06-08 6:38:37 PM] Jessy: [6:02:22 PM] Jessy: hi [6:02:25 PM] Jessy: matt told me that [6:02:35 PM] Jessy: you gave him an advantage LKJBLKMASDLFKM and he shared the clue with me [6:02:41 PM] Jessy: i dont think he told anyone else tho so its not a big deal but [6:02:51 PM] Jessy: i want him to propose a f3 to u tonight w us [6:31:05 PM] Regan: Omg [6:31:10 PM] Regan: He said he guessed r [6:31:12 PM] Regan: And got it wrong [6:31:31 PM] Jessy: same [6:31:32 PM] Jessy: KLJSJKLS [6:31:45 PM] Jessy: can we pls f3 tbh [6:32:36 PM] Jessy: he doesnt know that i got the clues too right [6:32:36 PM] Jessy: SKLJSJKL [2017-06-08 6:38:59 PM] Jessy: i saw her go away and online within a min [2017-06-08 6:39:01 PM] Jessy: SO LIKE IM SHOOK SIS REPLY! [2017-06-08 6:39:15 PM] Trevor [Host of Hosts]: I love receipts [2017-06-08 6:39:39 PM] Jessy: if nothing is actually happening this is proof of my paranoia [2017-06-08 6:39:40 PM] Jessy: LSKJKLSJ

they're gonna vote me out first and it's so extremely obvious. how are these people considered all stars of the game when they make it so ridiculously obvious who they're voting for???

[2017-06-10 1:55:26 AM] Jessy: btw mj will be first boot on this tribe [2017-06-10 1:55:27 AM] Jessy: know tht [2017-06-10 1:55:52 AM] Jessy: im not letting mj connor josh catherine go far. [2017-06-10 1:56:23 AM] Jessy: oh nd lydia [2017-06-10 2:34:50 AM] Jessy: r u gna make an edgic [2017-06-10 2:35:56 AM] Trevor [Host of Hosts]: I am, yes [2017-06-10 2:38:14 AM] Jessy: when im ottn>

Ok, so I think I proved my social game to be effective. This tribe is VERY quiet. No one is talking, and if they are it's very forced. Lydia kind of baited me into giving a name, but with that came no repercussions. Honestly, me name dropping Cat has spiraled into a FAST frenzy of game talk. It seems like Lydia spread it quick, so I do know now that she's taking full advantage of the trust our tribe has in her. David pointed out that he heard a Connah name drop, but I haven't heard that? I don't know if Lydia gave him that name or if someone else did, but I do enjoy knowing that there are 2 people my tribe sees as disposable over me. It's kind of nice not having to work my ass off to keep my name out of others' mouths. The social game isn't all that bad.

Fuck MJ and winterbells

So update after the first late night fiasco Lydia, Sam, and I agreed on Catherine as a target. I was okay with this just because she really hasn't approached me (or anyone) and hasn't made an effort to really want to play this game. We only spoke once (I reached out to her) and all we spoke about was how she flopped at Galapagos. Oh well, hopefully she actually goes tonight. As for how this game is going, I think I am in a good position. I think one thing I need to watch out for is how close David and Sam are. I need to keep Andrew close to me, and I think he is going to be a huge help to me. So far he's been trusting in informing me on whats going on. I am worried since Sam and Lydia contemplated sending him home first. Now as awful as this may sound, I think its best for my game to keep Austin close to me too. Even though I see him doing lots of damage since hes kinda on the outs, keeping him close to me and making him think he controls me is ideal for me. Just as long as he doesn't catch on to this all should be good... right? I'm definitely not as worried about the vote, however I think I need to try and get a sub-group going with people that aren't Sam and Lydia so that way if they become a sinking ship I have other lifeboats getting me out of heavy waters. I want to solidify something with David and Andrew, but part of me worries he will tell Sam and she'll think I'm trying to go against (plz say this in her Canadian accent) her. I think I can do well this season, just gotta hope someone's dumb twist doesn't screw me over

I'm stress eating Dairy Queen and I guess the vote is Cat idk why it wasn't Austin but whatever I just don't want it to be me thank you and goodnight

Catherine and Connor never spoke to me about the vote and the vibe at camp is really sketchy so if i leave tonght rip me... but i had a good time and it was fun. Hopefully this isn't my last confessional

[2017-06-10 6:17:56 PM] Jessy: dw im gna send the most iconic conf ever! [2017-06-10 9:11:40 PM] Jessy: oh fuck i need to write it [2017-06-10 9:11:40 PM] Jessy: KLBVKLMSADFMKLDS [2017-06-10 9:11:52 PM] Jessy: if i submit it and someone already left can it still be counted for ep 1 [2017-06-10 9:16:34 PM] Trevor [Host of Hosts]: Submit it quick :|