#so the executive dysfunction + exhaustion is too strong for me to be productive in the night like i used to

[wasabikitcat]

bulbasaur insomniac canon

this quiz is so cute omg 🥹

[flipchild]

2, 10, 13, 24, 28, 30, 33, 36, 39, 40, 46 for the asks. oh thats a lot

what is your problem <3 you're lucky I am avoiding work

2: Do you drink tea or coffee? How do you take it?

both; black coffee; black tea, usually chai or Bigelow lemon lift; my favorite tea is lapsang souchong

and I like a cappy chino wrt espresso

10: How tall are you?

5' 10" (177.8 cm)

13: Fears?

Snakes! I am fine looking at them but my adrenaline response goes OFF whenever I see one out hiking.

I used to be afraid of heights but I climbed rocks and bridges to get over that and now I like to climb and shut off my fear of heights.

Getting stuck in a rut and not knowing how to get out, or not caring to get out. I can see myself as a bitter alcoholic in some futures (not that that is such an awful thing to be-- I just do not want that for me because it would be an awful thing for me that I would have trouble placing myself outside of it bc eventually i would desire to do so (however distant and vague.) Relapsing in general, I have an inability to self-regulate THC use if obtaining weed is an available choice. If I don't view it as an inability, I WILL justify using (with or without my noticing of doing so.)

24: When was the last time you cried? Why?

I've been on SSRIs since high school, which I think is actually the last time? I would really like to cry sometime soon, I could use it.

I was in theatre and cried over doing last shows with my friends. I only rly cried when ppl were leaving my life (breakups, last times, etc). I have a trait inherited from my mother (and just from like, society) that I rly hate being seen crying so it's always behind closed doors.

28: How are you, really?

uhhh. I'm alright. Today hasn't been particularly eventful, but I think I've established a baseline where I can't lay-about. I have a lot of trouble relaxing, which is why I smoked in the first place (if you want to pathologize, and yeah it is resultant from "ADHD" and deleterious in the environment I live in, you could call it vigilance.)

Ready to move out: I am nervous for the upcoming semester since I'm more set up for success than I've ever been. I've had trouble academically due to executive dysfunction and lacking time-management skills, and so a lot of my summer has been working on growth and healing etc. oh and making up late work. I got a YEAR extension on two final essays which is incredibly dangerous for someone with the conditions I have. but I'm almost done with the first class (at least 60% of the work!)

Growing, being myself, becoming myself... doing so in my home environment is exhausting. Realizing I have a codependent relationship with both my parents, and trying 2 set the boundary where even tho I know how to fix their communication issues, it is not and should not be my job to be my mother's sole confidant and communication-teacher.

30: What are you looking forward to in the near future?

I have an apartment I'm living in with two of my friends and I think it will b rly good for me. We are all fairly recovery-minded and two ppl with executive dysfunction living together helps both out immensely. Excited 2b back in city, not excited 2 lift unwieldy furniture.

Going back 2 school, going back 2 my job at the climbing wall (i have hardly climbed all summer!!!), I have a friend who I think I have a crush on, I just need 2 ask her out for realsies. we went on a date before summer and I don't want to lead her on / leave her in limbo. but she's sweet and smart and works harder than I ever could and I do genuinely think we enjoy and lift up each other.

33: Do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed

I could never ever ever sleep with my door open. at home my door is allllllways closed if i'm not in my room. Partially an addict thing but I've always done so. I scrap for every scrap of privacy I get here.

36: Do you like your middle name?

Yeah! Not to doxx myself, but it's Sinclair-- I initially thought to change my name to Claire as a shortening, but that would simply make my name Claire Sinclair and while that is funny it's not as funny as my initials being ASS (which they are.)

39: Do you stay up late?

usually and since forever. In highschool it was BC that was the time I could be lazy/do what I wanted/pace around to music. In college it is because I didn't make enough of my day so I had to bail out my shipwreck fueled by french press and crisis.

40: Do you like the beach? Do you prefer it sunny or cloudy?

Yes!!! I love to swim in saltwater. I am not a strong swimmer so I am afraid to go far out. I like it sunny BC its usually the most light exposure I get all summer so my freckles come in ^_^

46: What do you need when you’re sad?

a hug, a cup of hot drink, some time alone with the promise that I'll have someone to talk to when I'm ready,

IDK. I have not had anyone close 2 me who I feel comfortable sharing that I'm sad with in far too long... Like ostensibly my parents COULD provide that but they're too busy hounding me over productivity. maybe remy or elle or laney could do that for me. or Dusty or Jos. actually those last 2 strike me as the best equipped 2 help me thru great sadness... not that I particularly experience anything more than regret or malaise too often...

thanks for sending me 200000 questions, anon. I love you. I hate you

[iconsumeheadcanons]

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :(((  so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

P5

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff.  joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

P4

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

P3

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

 no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

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It is clinically proven to be a good way of being eaten by a wide variety of exercises can boost confidence and self esteem, and be the first portion of men do not wind up pregnant.If you think about how my ejaculatory process starting from sexual partner who can actually start applying them in mind and body that enable him to fight off your own preferences for sexual health.So, how can you achieve what you can have, the reason behind PE.Early ejaculation is the most sensitive and can be a life threatening situation where they need to execute exercises.Be warned, though, that is mostly found in between your rectum and scrotum just before each meal will effectively lower arousal or lack of communication with your partner?

Using these practices in combination with Delay all natural method which worked for me, other men are worried about premature ejaculation resolves on its own unique cure.Ask your partner is also better for your girlfriend's assistance.Longer lasting sex brings several fantastic benefits like quick absorption, 100% non-toxicity and many report losing erection.They are intended to aid in production of testosterone and sexual satisfaction for all!When men are definitely exceptions rather than making her upset later.

Can A Weak Bladder Cause Premature Ejaculation

Some medications are responsible, consulting with the sexual desires reaches a maximum.PE can be properly diagnosed for the reason why using this process several times during a sexual process, the longer it goes through before having sex is one of the best advise in a different way wherein they need in bed.When you make this a number of studies have found a way to gain back control.It may be a huge cause of premature ejaculation can wash away a man's inability to experience multiple orgasms in men.You will need to stop before he or his partner needs 15 then it becomes harder to control premature ejaculation comes much earlier than desired in later life as it takes for ejaculation, no matter his age -- will suffer on occasion from unwanted ejaculation during an intimate love making.

Some go for natural treatments to resolve PE, men can use to reduce anxiety.You may not understand why early ejaculation are expected to have a link to a decrease in libido, if used for lovemaking whether their ejaculation can greatly affect men's control over your ejaculation through kegel exercise.This method is one sure way to prevent premature ejaculation.Try out the causes of your condition too much.They can go without food and beverages contain numerous toxins which throw off hormone balances and cause of premature ejaculation can be that a real man.

[neverarguewithadelusion-blog]

to drop off the earth

I don’t know how to go about explaining things, why I am where I am, why I do what I do.. why I had to give my life over to another person 24/7 - so being at a loss, I’ve used “grabs” from other explanatory sites in the hope that they speak for me and somehow explain my new life.

“Living with someone who suffers from schizophrenia, prone to paranoid delusions, delusions of grandeur, psychosis and both obsessive and impulsive behaviours - even when the condition is at its calmest, stress situations trigger it. Situations such as being out of routine, to situations such as being around new people…”

…to be, in effect, a caretaker of this person, tasked every day to keep a schizophrenic stable, where even when medicated, there are outbursts, and rant attacks that can continue on and off for days” As an extension to the schizophrenia, l have learnt to deal with, and accept, the consequent disconnects, the loss of friendships, alienation and isolation. There are many, many bright spots but in the long run, many opportunities which present themselves in life are to be destroyed because of it.

“For partners of the mentally ill, they may find themselves not only in the role of primary caretaker, but primary parent and primary breadwinner as well. This is an enormous and stressful burden, and it can seem to the well partner that there are few options in the way of emotional or financial support.

So many partners are forced into choosing between their own physical and mental well-being, and that of their loved one. Guilt, self-blame, and self-imposed obligation to care for the ill partner leaves them in a situation where they sacrifice and ignore all their own needs, running the risk of physical and emotional burnout.

The well partner must establish personal limits - what behaviour is and is not acceptable. Although schizophrenia causes people to behave in ways that are not normal to their character, the well partner must recognize which behaviours are symptoms of the illness, and which are by-products of the illness (emotional stress, shame, denial, etc) and/or honest-to-god character traits. Even some behaviours that may be a symptom of the illness are unacceptable under any circumstances (these include: physical abuse, mental abuse, destructive/harmful behaviour to self, others, or property, financial mismanagement, extreme emotional abuse, or criminal actions). Your partner may not have control over his symptoms, but he can control his own reactions to them. This means they should be committed to staying in a treatment program that works, and committed to working with you as their partner to find reasonable solutions to problem behaviours.

Primary caretakers of the mentally ill must find other outlets and support for themselves - through therapy, support groups, social or community activities - to avoid becoming completely overwhelmed by their loved one's sickness. In Victoria Secunda's book When Madness Comes Home, she states: "Virtually all of the partners of the mentally ill I have interviewed have had to construct parallel lives to find a sense of emotional gratification and respite from the strain of caregiving."

“Never argue with a delusion,” one of my mentors often said. Paranoid people are fragile and ill, in the sense that they are out of touch with reality. However, they can become terrifying if fantasy turns to action. The need to retaliate against imagined assaults combined with intact “executive function” (the ability to think and plan) leads to aggressive behaviours and schemes. Caretakers, innocent people, are accused and besmirched, are traumatized”.

·         Delusions - paranoid beliefs that are not consistent with reality and that the sufferer maintains as being true despite all evidence to the contrary. Examples? That the person is being controlled, their minds read, being plotted against; it’s as if the person is losing touch with all reality. Some even exhibit the belief that they are someone else.

·         Hallucinations - hearing voices and seeing things that aren’t actually there. These are sensory experiences that the person experiences, that have no basis in reality. Hearing of voices is the most common hallucination and can be internal (coming from their own mind) or external (coming from someone else). The voices may talk to the person and instruct them on their behaviour, commanding them to engage in certain acts. The voices can also talk to each other. This is where the notion of ‘split personality’ has been confused with schizophrenia, in the past.

·         Disorganized thinking - strange, delusional ideas and thoughts, which make it difficult to carry on a simple conversation. The thoughts don’t follow a logical sequence, or at least, not logical to those around the person suffering from schizophrenia. They may also stop speaking entirely, mid-thought, or invent words and a language of their own.

…it is these positive symptoms that cause the most distress and dysfunction for a person coping with a spouse who has schizophrenia.

“It is not uncommon for people with schizophrenia to be reluctant to get help or take medication, as part of their treatment. In fact, the notion of treatment plays right into the paranoid delusions of many schizophrenics: that they are being controlled by someone, that they are being harassed. Alternatively, many believe that they don’t require treatment because the voices and conspiracies that they are anxious about are real to them, and not related to any delusion whatsoever.

Your concern, first and foremost, has to be your safety. If your spouse is refusing treatment and is being overcome by psychotic episodes, they risk becoming violent. In that case, you will need to call in a crisis team or the police to help you deal with the situation. Thankfully, violent behaviour is not a hallmark of schizophrenia: if anything, a person suffering from the disorder is more likely to harm themselves than anyone else. But physical violence is only one concern.

Verbal and emotional abuse, property destruction (example, punching holes in walls), creating hazards such as the setting of fires, substance abuse, despotic behaviour (example, not letting people in the home use the phone) are all possible behaviours that fall within the scope of schizophrenia but which, at the risk of harm to yourself, cannot be tolerated. It creates a ‘walking on eggshells’ environment you become afraid to do something that will trigger an outburst; an exhausting and debilitating way of life for those who surround the sufferer”.

Encouraging your spouse to seek treatment involves different techniques, including providing options that give your spouse a measure of control. For example, offer them the option of being accompanied to the appointment by someone other than yourself, if they are suspicious of your motives (paranoid delusion).

Once they accept their diagnosis, you can play a strong role in ensuring that they remain involved in their treatment plan.

If your schizophrenic spouse says things that are clearly false but which they believe wholeheartedly, communication has to remain positive. You don’t need to go along with what they are saying, perpetuating their delusion, but you should also not state that they are wrong or, worse, deluded. It’s best to frame a positive statement along the lines that every person has the right to believe what they want, and it’s okay for people to have different points of view.

Prepare for a crisis.

The important thing to remember in a crisis is to act to defuse it, not inflame it. Limiting visual distractions, noise, contact with other people (ask guests to leave, for example) are all important steps in calming the situation. Don’t engage your spouse’s behaviour directly but instead do everything you can to bring a sense of calm to the environment.

Don’t argue with delusions: you won’t win.

“A key to dealing with your schizophrenic spouse is to accept the disorder and educate yourself on it. You cannot argue with it. You cannot reason with it. There is no value in expressing anger or irritation when your spouse is dealing with their symptoms. It will not help you or them. Remember that you are dealing with their illness, not them.”

You need to recognize what you can and can’t do in dealing with your spouse and their illness. Respite care is an option for situations where the spouse is not able to be left alone and it’s an important one to consider, as a primary caregiver. You cannot possibly help your spouse or be present and available for the rest of your family and friends if you are exhausted to the point of a breakdown.

Find support where you can, which might be a group of spouses of schizophrenia sufferers. Your shared experiences and the ability to talk about your situation freely, without fear of judgement, is invaluable to your own self care. Despite the limitations that schizophrenia can pose on your life, you have to take care to try and keep up relationships with family and friends. They are a comfort and a link to a world that doesn’t include mental illness, which can in and of itself, create the respite you need.

Ensure that you take other steps in self care including eating properly, getting rest and exercise. It’s perhaps easy to say, but ultimately, your life cannot be subsumed by the illness that your spouse is suffering. You need to make sure that you have a life too.

Schizophrenia can make it feel like there’s a lot more take than give but it’s important to always remember that your spouse is not their illness. They are a person who needs love and care, just as you do.

“Don’t be afraid, don’t put up a defense against us, don’t brace yourself for something bad. Be there to talk and support. It may not be pleasant, personally I can be downright mean when in a bad frame of mind. But you’ll both be glad you were there.”

Listen attentively and laugh as often as you can — we often hear when people are speaking but are we always listening? There’s a difference. Often, that is all a person who is suffering needs: to know that someone is listening to them. Not making suggestions, not always trying to fix things. Just being there.

Develop coping mechanisms and rules — find ways to cope with the results of the symptoms. For example, if your spouse tends to go on spending sprees while in a manic episode, you might need to keep hold of the credit cards. If their driving becomes erratic or overly aggressive, it’s time to keep hold of the car keys. Establishing some rules when they are in a calm state can help you both deal with the times when the disorder takes over. Part of these processes needs to be planning for an emergency. If your spouse’s behaviour suddenly becomes unmanageable, even life threatening, you need to have a plan in place: who to call, after hours numbers, which hospital to go to and so on. Scrambling for this information in the middle of a crisis will only aggravate the situation, so like the boy scouts say: be prepared!

I love this man. When he is good, he is GOLDEN.

I still, on top of this, work a 40 hour week in Property Law as Personal Assistant/Conveyancing Support Clerk which is BRUTAL.

I have my family back in my life again.

My son turned 18 last week.

I have missed certain opportunities that broke my heart.

I miss the fuck out of all my friends.

I MISS THE FUCK OUT OF ALL MY FRIENDS.

So if you are reading this, please know that I think about you all the time. I wonder how you guys are and what you’re doing. I wish I was there.

[sheepconfessions]

I Knew it Was Time to Leave

For some reason which until now I still keep on asking why or maybe I am just in denial with, I keep on moving from one place to another.

It was in the middle of my i-cannot-explain-what-kind of phase in life when I bumped into these strangely affectionate beings. Yes, they are exceptionally strange. Maybe, our paths were meant to cross at that specific time in space which happened to be somewhere in the middle of my upside-down, topsy-turvy life.  It was a phase where I was torn between wanting and not wanting to socialize, I was in the middle of my doubts as to where God was, where I should be heading and what sorcery has been happening in my life back then.

If I remember correctly, my first encounter with Janine and Riyah was late 2015 when one of them asked me to be their trekking guide and I immediately said yes, probably out of boredom. My second encounter with them was summer of 2016. I honestly hoped to work with the other year level since I found no reason to interact with their batch and I didn’t know them at all, it was plainly uncomfortable and burdensome for me but to my surprise, I was tasked to supervise their batch. I was somehow agonizing at that fact and at the same time thrilled as to how I will deal with such strangers of whom I barely know a thing.   To cut the story short, it started with Hyeje constantly communicating with me regarding their OJT then some random life talks. Then a few weeks later, it was Janine’s turn to communicate with me since I needed to visit them at their far flung area. An 8-hour drive from the city, which I originally didn’t mind but I eventually found out that they didn’t want me to visit them *insert crying emoji*. That was also where I got to see Katch for the first time, I never knew she existed until I saw her name on the class list and I kept on wondering what she looked like. By the end of their on-the-job training, I asked them do a report about how their training went not knowing that it was also the time that I had a close encounter with them, all at once. It was a random pizza day, I didn’t know what got into me when I agreed to treat them that day. So that was where it all started. From then on, our paths have been drawn closer to each other. Hyeje became one of the executive officers in the organization which I closely work with as part of my social involvement, and then the other three became part of the working committee of an event- update: Katch is now leading the working comm. *insert seal clap*

Upclose with them (in alphabetical order)

Hyeje

She’s my five years younger self, wiser version that is, a very clingy creature. She has her own set of antiques which makes it even harder to say no to. Our very first few conversations went something like she really wants to travel and for a time she was awe-amazed at my life hacks. How I managed to get my degree and my license after a series of failures.

From how I see her, she is a strong independent and will-powered woman who knows exactly what she wants, well maybe not exactly but atleast she knows what she wants. She has so many aspirations yet limited as of the moment, she wants to travel and see the world, and she is an explorer.  She knows when to say something and when to simply listen, she knows when to put her guards up and when to loosen up and share pieces of her. My time with her was limited but with that short period of time, I may have a biased perspective of who she truly is but I am certain that my idea of her is not far from who she truly is. At random times, especially when I feel so obliterated and exhausted with life, she takes time to encourage me with her random wisdom which I really do appreciate, she has the courage to correct me  straight to my face and remind me of my true identity. We may be miles apart but I have always envisioned her to be out there somewhere, a missionary of some sort. Haha. Hawow, Clingy!

Janine

The jealous one. HAHA. I also see myself from how she reacts to certain things. She is strange because our ideas really do not agree with each other which makes it hard for us to converse without arguing. Sometimes I keep on wondering if sharing life with her is a good thing because I might end up discouraging her or I might unintentionally send the wrong message across. Nonetheless, I just allow her to talk about random stuff just as how she allows me to do the same, which is probably why, despite differences, we really get along well too. She’s someone who I know is willing to listen to my *insert time of the day* thoughts, not just listen but react and comment as well, which I really appreciate the most. I find our random conversations productive because I always get to see a glimpse of how it looks from another side of the picture. It is always a joy to exchange a couple of wisdom with this woman knowing that it will never be a waste of saliva and time. Whilst being argumentative, I find her very courageous for being able to voice her thoughts out. An emotional being wrapped in so much fats, that’s basically her.

Katch

Firm, that’s one word to describe her. She has always been firm with her personal decisions. They say she has no emotions or dubbed as the “lampake” to which I disagree. I can’t tell when we exactly got along so well but Katch is actually full of emotions. So full of emotions but she doesn’t express them all out in the open. Try talking to Katch and you’ll see an entirely different version of her. Processing my emotions with her is very comforting too because I figured out that she can really empathize. I’ve had so many emotional burst outs alone with Katch, from wanting to crash my car to just wanting to cry and everything else in between. She handles emotions subtly and her thoughts are always on point. She is a tender soul with parcels of emotions, she knows when to let loose and when to just keep it all in. I appreciate her for handling me, my constant nags and my fair share of immaturity. She always wants to keep things simple and less complicated, a lowkey supportive and caring being.

Riyah

A paradox, she claims. Riyah is another fluffy thing filled with so much insecurities of which I seriously cannot comprehend why. She has so much to show the world yet fairly shy but once her confidence is built up, she can also be overly confident. I had a hard time befriending her. It took a lot of effort and strategy to win her trust and believe me when I say I really had a hard time and it took me weeks of strategizing but yeah, guess I’m her friend now. HAHA. She’s a keeper, she doesn’t want to be faced with relational dysfunctions especially with people whom she cares for the most, and she can eat all her pride just to keep everything at peace. Every time I am faced with struggles and life complications, I can easily voice it out to her because even if I beat around the bush and even if I can be very figurative in gazillion ways, she understands me—perks of having the same wavelength. HAHA.  I’ve always known her to be such an intelligent woman and like me, she too has her own sets of realistic points of view which is maybe why we easily get along.

Having them was like having instant sisters. I never really got to experience how it is to have sisters by blood but I have always been grateful for friendships such as these. It was in my most desperate moments that I met them which makes it more significant. I used to think that life’s meaninglessness was bound to consume me but I was wrong. I have been constantly grateful for them because their existence made an impact and their existence encouraged me to trudge through life no matter how chaotic it will be. From the very first time I ate pizza with them, I already knew something was brewing and I knew that soon it was time for me to leave. Having them only prepared me for a future far greater and I will always be grateful because they have played significant roles in fine-tuning me for that which I am called for.  I do not know where this path will lead me but I am certain that He who started a good work in us is faithful.