#so thats what i spent the last 24 hours doing

[muirneach]

'Sulphur' and 'Selenium' by Mary Soon Lee

Sulphur #16 sits atop Selenium #34 in the periodic table. Selenium is rarely found in nature without Sulphur nearby.

for the periodic haiku series by @simmyfrobby

[thedrotter]

not-yet-dead-person

silly comic of a conversation in-game i thought was too funny not to make something proper for instead of a doodle ww

(timelapse + wip images (thus silly process commentary in read more if you like artist commentary :3)

i think the sketch looks silly and goofy and funny so i find it important to share with you the mere presence of the faces i drew on it. i drew it on top of the boxes without staying inside its borders because i find my proportions can get wonky if i draw them cropped in a restricted space. and I feel trapped otherwise and i will draw BAD!!! give me spaceeeee to go wild!!!!

the head circles are there for emotional support

very low res speedpaint because truth is the canvas was much bigger than the space where my comic was placed. i didnt account when exporting my timelapse in 720px that that tiny space would look so pixelated ... but it's able to be percieved, so its okay.

(i will now comment on my process and it is not brief sorry)

usually i would try to clean up my sketches and figure out what goes on top before jumping into linework, but since there are multiple panels and drawings i chose to jump into inking right away for the sake of brevity. i just went in with a brush that uses pen pressure and drew what was needed. i added extra line thickness and contrast in areas around the face because it helps direct your eyes there more easily that way.

according to her equipment rei has a chain belt but i only remembered it existed once I was going to color, and i did not like that discovery... I chose to ignore it to maintain my peace. i already have the color palettes for these characters figured out, and i didnt really want to think about a new element at the moment www I tend to overthink those things a lot so i skipped it

the rest is rather straightforward! not that anything else wasn't, but in here i could turn my brain off and sing. linework and sketching require mumbling so i cannot turn my brain off. just block in the characters with a solid color so i can have a mask (something along those lines,) where the color can stay inside. then just color in !!!

Base colors just had slight cell shading on the skin, and for the hair i airbrush a bit of the skincolor in low opacity near the forehead... I'm not sure what it means, but i can look at the faces easier with it somehow. i like the gentle subtlety it adds even if you cant really tell. it makes things look nice.

background was just me blocking in the color of the wall and floor, shade the wall a bit, then slap a noise and free use wood texture on top. work smarter not harder ! yet it took a bit to make it look stylistically fitting with the characters, and even now i think bottom middle panel looks odd. whatever!!!

for the middle panel i thought itd be funny if the background was a solid silly and colorful one to contrast the next panel's sketchy black one. a contrast to how the word widow is seen. on that note my handwritting is not pointy. i gaslighted my hand into thinking that it was indeed pointy in that moment so i could write "not-yet dead person" in letters that didn't seem cute. my hand did not fall for it but it complied anyway

that's basically it! I'm not sure what else i could say that doesn't feel barebones because it really is that straightforward. if you're curious I used clip studio paint for this. only special brush used was for linework (a brush named Lemon Brush), the rest used were just the default. my computer gets the least credit. it was trying to convince me a 20mb file was going to nuke it all the time and hardly let me save multiple times so i do not appreciate it

[ennabear]

i beg of you to write more mean abby.. i reread all of ur mean abby works religiously i swear i just love her too much ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

ʕ≧ᴥ≦ʔ NONNIEEEEE STOP THIS JS TOO SWEET!!!! IM BLUSHING IM BLUSHING I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!! sorry this is a lil bit messy, i haven’t really had time to lock in on anything official I HOPE THATS OKAY!!!! here are some thoughts… 18+

i think mean!abby is one of those people who are discreetly rich. she’s not the type of person to go on big fancy vacations, or buy expensive sports cars, or to always have the newest technology. before she met you, she probably spent most of her money on books or expensive brands of tea imported from countries she’s never even heard of. after she met you, though? she’d swipe her card a million times a day to see you smile.

the best way i can describe her personality is like some old cranky grandpa, the scary guy on the block who never smiles but is very confrontational. if you’ve seen her around, you’d know that she’s always wearing a scowl, only leaves her penthouse apartment early to go to the gym, and has beef with most of her neighbors. but if you know know her? she’s a sweetie pie. she loves spontaneous sweet treats, slow dancing to 70’s music, old horror films (mean!abby letterboxd goes CRAZY i just know), and most shockingly, her cats.

and she LOVES those fuckers. it’s so perfect how she can have a companion who’s quiet and small and independent, and two of them? barely any responsibility. they have an automatic feeder, entertain each other, and only bug her about once a day for attention.

as for her job, i could see her having two possibilities. one being an extreme workaholic. maybe an office job or a surgeon or something?? (NOT a nurse because they’re supposed to be good at talking to people…) OR she only really works part time, some freelance job that doesn’t really have any rules. a photographer or a tattoo artist or some sort of small business that she can mostly manage on her own. money has never been an issue for her, coming from a family of doctors. her ass was spoiled rotten as a kid, and after her dad died she inherited all of that money.

she’s the biggest protector in the world. someone was talking shit about you? she’s breaking their nose right now actually. i think the biggest reason she’s “mean” is because she actually just has anxiety. the last time she felt a love this strong, it was for her dad. she can’t afford to lose you like she lost him, so she always has to make sure you’re safe and sound. it’s not like she’s trying to be controlling by texting you every half hour, she just worries that maybe she won’t be able to protect you for once, and it’ll be at the worst possible time.

ok lock in here are some nsfw thoughts :3

you know that trope that’s like “big mean stoic character is actually the subbiest bottomest little puppy in the whole world.” yeah…. if you don’t agree what are you still doing here.

it definitely took her a while to be this vulnerable, but jesus christ is it worth it!!! the way you get to watch her squirm and whimper underneath you, knowing that you’re the only one who can make her feel this way. to give your big protective guard dog girlfriend a night off, to take care of her in return for all that she does for you.

and she lovessss being tied up!!!! something about the intimacy of knowing you’re gonna give her a good time makes her submit to you almost instantly. she has to trust you on this, has sit back and relax and let her brain melt because she physically can’t do anything about it.

when she does dom i imagine she’s a pretty big brat tamer. c’mon, not everyone has the luxury of having a girlfriend like her. if you don’t act grateful she’ll whip you in to shape. literally. she’s not afraid of a good spanking.

also she’s strapped up 24/7 but this is canon in every universe… no matter what she’s doing or where she’s going or who she’s gonna meet, the strap stays ON!!! just in case she may need it….

but she’s the aftercare QUEEN. of course. apart from the basics like food, water, cuddles, etc. she has tonssss of knowledge on proper aftercare. you’d never have to worry about being hurt or getting a uti or feeling unloved because she’s read every forum to exist about aftercare!!! i just know this bitch runs a tumblr kink blog like it’s the military… 🤦

that’s all…. going to eep now……

[hezenkoss]

@shadowfells OKAY HERE WE GO

i'm 25 hours in, i'm level 17 with a few perk points not spent cuz i'm hoarding for my specialisation unlock at 20, and the last side content i did was making me fight level 24-25 enemies and a level 36 boss! i did respec once because i realised champion had abilities i really wanted to use so i went a different path in the skill tree and so i've now tried nearly every warrior ability not tied to a specialisation !! i've not changed any of the hotkeys or settings from default and i play with controller ^_^

neutrally i wanna say.. ur companions dont really do much if ur not using their skills manually. they do very little chip damage. they very rarely take aggro. theyre kinda just there as moral support unless ur going out of ur way to use their skills . which i recommend ! they can do intense damage and support u in really interesting ways !!

so some cons for combat... the camera can sometimes hate you but for the most part it should be ok, auto lock on has fucked me a few times but its easy to recover, i am still learning how to properly time perfect blocking especially as a dwarf because sometimes enemies simply miss me because i am small so i'm pretty block to perfect block but nothing is hitting me and its just awkward for both me and the enemy, dodging is quite slow and there seems to be an invisible timer for it so in some bosses that say constantly unleash attacks on you but you just rolled out of the way of the first and u need 0.1 seconds to roll again but the attacks coming out too fast for you to have that time (speaking of, avoid being chilled like the plague. that dodge timer gets LONG), sometimes its just not quite clear what's going on? the game is very flashy and theres soooo much happening that it can get visually overwhelming especially when things are taking longer to die cuz they're out levelling you

ok pros....... the abilities are fun to use, warrior rage took forever to get early on but now i can get loads of rage and i feel like a rage machine so i can use abilities all the time, its copied mass effect in that biotic detonations are here and you can combo it with ur companions just like in mass effect (this game feels quite mass effect 3 and dragon age 2 like we combined those two games) and that can be pretty darn fun, especially my bellara + harding combo because the enemy gets sort of locked in place and that fucks, i love that you can interrupt enemies with staggering attacks like even big bosses they can be charging their massive red attack and if i do a drop kick or a stomp on them it cancels the attack and it can feel sooo good lining up ur ability use like that, potion consuming is fast and every companion has a heal and bellara has an auto heal which ooofff has becoming so helpful to me, the bosses actually feel like thoughtout bosses which is sooo important to me i feel like i'm dancing around a fromsoft boss sometimes especially when they out level me and the boss fight takes over 10 minutes, the opportunity for Cool Moments is everywhere in this combat system it WANTS you to feel like a badass and to have moments where ur like OUUGHHH CLIP THATTT I WISH SOMEONE WAS WATCHING DID U SEE THATTTT and i have definitely had PLENTY of those i feel very cool playing this game, i have a rune now that freezes every enemy around me with a massive radius which FUCKS SO HARD runes are REALLY cool, theres so much BUILD opportunity here like with accessories that do unique shit including new effects when you use ur potion, i got an accessory today that boosts my damage when im at low health and makes it so i can never be max health like OUGHHHH THATS SICK???, i also got an ability for warrior that makes my weapon go on fire when i parry and it makes all my attacks do like cleave damage and its so cool i feel so rewarded for playing well,

hmmm thats all i can think of right now but honestly. the games combat has become so fun to me i am eager to get to more enemies . it definitely improves once u get more abilities and perks and stuff. and once u get used to it which did take me a bit as you know. idk i love it. i want to play BECAUSE i want to go find another boss and kick its butt. .... hmm ok yeah i cant think of anything more to say

[kiki-strike]

hi would you mind tellin me what ed ward was like? i might have to go there at some point and im scared also sorry if im phrasing it wrong and also also if you're more comfy dming or not answering at all thats fine

Hi yes I can!! And you can dm me if you want or send another ask if you have more questions :)

So there’s two kinds of 24-hour ED care, inpatient and residential. Inpatient is usually inside of a hospital, sometimes integrated with the psych ward (hence “ed ward”). This is where people that aren’t medically stable go (think serious heart conditions, people who flat-out refuse to eat, people who need to be in a locked ward to be safe). I haven’t been to inpatient ed, so I can’t say much on that subject. I do know that you typically stay in inpatient much shorter than residential.

I was in residential for four months. Usually ED treatment takes longer than treatment for depression and such and it’s not uncommon for people to go into residential more than once, but it’s pretty rare for residential to last more than six months. It’s expected that you’ll do a step-down plan which means after you leave res you’ll do a PHP and an IOP (PHP is when you live at home but go to programming during the day, usually 40-60hrs a week with all meals there, and IOP is usually half a day 2-3 times a week).

My res was three houses in a neighborhood (not in a row) and we would all go to the biggest house during the day. There was usually 2-3 group therapy sessions and 2-3 classes (DBT skills, nutrition, etc) per day, every day (inc weekends). We spent the rest of our time doing leisure stuff and eating.

Meals took up a HUGE portion of the day because we got half an hour for each meal, and then there was another half hour for supplements, plus 15 minutes for snacks and 15 minutes for snack supplements, so that amounts to… 4.5 hours every day. The way meals worked was each person got their own plate, to their own needs (some people got tiny amounts bc refeeding, some people got huge amounts bc restoration, etc). You got to choose 3 blacklisted foods that they would never give you, other than that if you didn’t like the food you had to suck it up. I chose spicy food, eggplant, and I think peanut butter? Because being vegetarian didn’t count (though I told them I was vegan instead because I was scared of milk😔). If you didn’t finish your food you got supplemented - 1/2 a sup for eating 3/4 but not finishing, one sup for 1/2-3/4, and two supps for eating less than half. Our supps were Kate Farms unless you had other dietary restrictions; I got switched to ensure clear halfway through because I went on a Kate Farms boycott to get it haha, WORTH IT ensure clear I love you. You had to sit at supps table for the whole half hour or until you finished it (it was a socially-acceptable choice to just sit there for half an hour). If you didn’t drink your sup you lost privileges for the next day, but unless you’d been there for a few months you didn’t actually *have* any, so… privileges were going on our daily 10 minute walk, the weekly strip mall field trip, and if you were VERY LUCKY going to the bathroom with the door closed. During meals there were a lot of blacklisted topics because yknow. Bad Time Let’s Be Nice. If you weren’t eating staff would gently encourage you but wouldn’t be mean about it, and the other patients would too. It’s pretty hard to fake eating there, but not impossible, and definitely impossible to do it without other patients seeing (because we all watched each other eat So Closely and we know all our tricks…) and other patients ratting you out is a definite possibility. You weren’t allowed to leave the table during meals but sometimes it happens. If you didn’t eat for two days they sent you to inpatient (they couldn’t actually force you to eat in res, but in IP they can tube you).

In our free time we all got really close. Everybody had a roommate and we slept in real bedrooms with our own bathrooms (which we could only use at night, they were locked during the day). A lot of us crocheted, there was lots of reading and coloring. We were allowed an hour of screen time, including TV, a day but that was taken away if you were Really Bad (think screaming fit not like “didn’t eat fear food”). If you were still in high school you were expected to do that (online) during free time (which was also a ticket to unlimited computer time during free time lolol, same with AA). The people you go to res to become like a weird version of your family, you’re together for months with ONLY each other doing something very emotionally taxing, so like within the first few days boom you now have 15 new best friends. It’s also very insular in that there are trends? Within your res? I started a rock painting trend, and also pestered staff enough that they finally let us garden (this was just me gardening and everyone else reading in the yard). Everybody listened to top 50 pop even if they hated it, because at res you like it (I’m very attached to billboard pop 2021 still), we all watched every Keanu Reeves movie because it’s funny to say that you have (none of us even liked him that much).

At res everything is funny because everything’s so bad? It’s this sort of delirious sheen that takes over everything, like looking at the world through a soap bubble. That said I was also on the maximum dose of seroquil. Everyone’s super supportive, not like the movies. If they didn’t actually want to recover they didn’t say anything about it.

Staff there consisted of three types: the babysitters (I don’t know their real titles), mostly college girls who babysat us and ran the houses, the therapists/psychiatrists who ran groups and did individual therapy, and the nurses. There was a nurse on staff until 11 every night, because we all had hot girl stomach issues and sometimes hot girl heart problems. They took blood once a week and there was a doctor that saw you once a month or if you complained about something long enough. The babysitters were all really nice though some were less pushover-y than others (let you stay on computer longer etc). They said they did room sweeps once a week but I had contraband they never found. They also said we weren’t allowed to touch each other for more than five seconds at a time (I am the reason that rule exists haha) but like… you have a roommate for a reason!! (I’m not even talking about sex I just mean snuggling ;-;)

In terms of visitors you mostly only got your parents or if you were married your spouse, maaaybe somebody’s friends came once? But not common. You’re not allowed alone time with your visitors (like prison!) and anything they give you has to be searched by staff (same as stuff you order online or buy on the strip mall field trips). A lot of rules are very very strict because people with eating disorders are masters at worming their way out of things which sucks but makes sense.

There were some unsavory things that happened to me there that I’d like not to talk about here, just know that when you go, it’s very possible for staff to lie to your parents/caretakers to the point that they don’t believe you. It is very hard to leave once you check yourself in, and if you do leave before they let you, that’s called AMA and your insurance won’t pay for the part of your stay you did already (which for me was $2k a day. For four months). Once you go there you’ve basically handed over your rights indefinitely to the program in exchange for learning how to eat good and not die. Which is better than dying but not amazing either, but that’s the way it is.

Some other unintended side effects:

1. If you were scared of blood draws before you went in you won’t be when you come out.

2. You’ll be able to pee anywhere no more pee shyness. Along those lines we had to describe our shit every morning to the nurse in earshot of everybody? So you won’t be embarrassed about that any more.

3. You might forget to close the bathroom door the first few months you’re home.

4. You’ll become very attached to some foods in res and then when you get out can never eat those foods again. For me that’s biscoff cookie butter.

5. You’ll be WAY less on your phone. You’ll know how to sit and wait instead of going on your phone immediately for entertainment.

All in all I’d say you get more freedom than the locked ward and less freedom than rehab, but stay longer than both of them combined. Fellow patients are awesome, staff is a mostly positive mixed bag, and activities are dismal (eating).

I wish you so much luck in recovery. You can do this! Every meal is a new beginning. I believe in you!

A funny for you for making it this far:

[crazylittlejester]

Okay, so firstly, the anons are correct in saying you can take your time. I think everyone's floundering a little bit regarding motivation and inspiration right now due to the general quietness. I know I've been having a hard time transitioning from my school schedule to my summer routine, and it's been messing with my ability to write fics.

i think the real issue with me is i got my ass beat by that last month of school because I made the really fantastic decision to speed run a whole college course in like two days (dont do that) and i had 16 essays to write in those two days, and then the week after I wrote a 14 page paper in a little over 24 hours or something and during all of that I was still writing and posting fics (because i am stupid). And then school ended and I had absolutely nothing to do with myself and I felt like I had a bunch of missing assignments so writing fics became the new missing assignments for me, and then the exhaustion hit me like a bus and i crashed for a bit because I genuinely could not live my life like that anymore 😭

and now that I think I’ve genuinely recovered from all that, it being so quiet just feels weird and is killing my motivation, but like I totally get that people are busy and wrapping up THEIR school years and recovering from that, or preparing for events and stuff

im getting a better at writing because i WANT to because its fun to do and not because im treating it like homework assignments that have due dates, and i spent the last week actually going outside and walking around which was good for me mentally i think.

yknow what i think life would be so much easier if i would stop forgetting to take my fuckin adhd meds- but at the end of the day I’m just a little guy 🥺 (and also a bit of a fucking moron but thats besides the point)

anyways its reassuring (i think thats the word im looking for…?) to know im not the only one who’s struggled with writing while transitioning from school to summer schedules

[night-dark-woods]

15, 21, 23, 24!!

THANK U ECHO this got so long oops.

15. that one thing you see in fanart all the time

hmmm not destiny-specific (i dont have any d2 specific gripes i dont think) & i mostly follow cool gay & trans ppl so this is much less of an issue than in the wider fandom (every so often some Main Fandom Art makes its way to me and i do a full double take) but like. i knowww they are almost all the same character model in-game but can we please get some characters who arent super skinny supermodels in here. please.

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

not to sound like an edgelord but. the traveler. if we can acknowledge that the Darkness isnt ontologically Evil, i think we can (PLEASE) acknowledge that the Light isnt inherently good. and im not talking about the superpowers we get, they've (narrative team) made it quite clear that individuals choose to do what they will with based on their own morals. but the traveler is, imo, positioned as a Morally Good Agent Of The Light far more than the witness is Of The Darkness, and i think we need to talk more about the traveler's agenda!!! again, this complexity isnt completely absent from the narrative, but it doesnt feel like those interpretations are... metatextually supported igss? like zavala's frustration with the traveler leaving feels more like a very christian (as someone who was not raised religious) test of faith that zavala (and the canonical YW) have Passed and will be Rewarded.

where's tevis my best friend tevis. we need more characters with that pov. god is real god resurrected you god gave you a second chance at life with no memories of your past and a guardian angel (a "chattering oversoul," to quote toland) to tell you where to go and who deserves to die and raise you every time you fail just to throw you back into the divine crusade. like. lets talk about that a little more!!!

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

this is hard bc i am in general very willing to "yes-and" ANYTHING with a hint of chemistry or a fun dynamic. it may not compell me but if you can point out a narrative similarity btwn characters i will almost always be down. unless its one i hate ("hate" being a strong word. really its just the strongest possible apathy) bc i contain multiudes :thumbsup:.

i can't think of a pairing i started out disliking and then changed my mind about due to fandom unfortunately. the closest would be igss that i hate crow/amanda as its written in the text BUT my perhaps controversial opinion is i think transitioning could fix crow specifically the version of crow i have in my head who did not get uldren's memories back. SotL was so good for the overarching plot of d2 but so so so bad for the type of awoken-enjoyer i am & imo the like... thesis statement of what a guardian is lol!

so unfortunately i dont have an answer for this one (i dont think "i like the pretend version i made up in my head" counts as coming around on a ship lmfao), bc you can pair any two destiny women and ill be like yeah for sure! and i have curated my online space well enough that i rarely see any other kind of ship, and when i do its gay men (o14, uldren/jolyon, someone i follow is cooking something with saladin/drifter which is inspired. i love whatever is happening there) which is like cheering absently for a sports team idc about but support on principle.

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

mara. its always fucking mara. literally spent an hour and a half last night rehashing d1 mara-course in a server with someone who has not read any lore. which is fine! thats a fine way to engage with the game! its a valuable perspective! but use i-statements and accept that you are coming to the table with 10% of the facts about the character.

honorable mention goes to anything about redemption arcs (and savathun specifically)- most recently that fuuucking saint killing sav repeatedly lore tab. and if you (general) cant be assed to care about evil women (skill issue, but whatever), thats also backsliding YEARS on saints characterization and i dont even care about saint!!!

so really the answer is misogyny lmfao.

[secondchoice-ragdoll]

Am I the only one who is a little sad that the moment Trixie was single she didn't take a second look at Katya and immediately went to the ex? She could've given her a chance. And I wonder how K really feels now that she wants kids. I know she doesn't want them herself, but I'm afraid this will change things between them and I really really hope they don't.

ugh okay first of all: im totally w u and i a 100% see ur point. these have crossed my mind too, and i can easily get to a place where these topics make me sad for a while. but genuinely i dont think we should worry too much abt any of it. at the end all i want is for them to be happy, no matter how that looks like🤝

on a further note, we cant be like *actually* sure abt any of what is going on? like yes it seems pretty clear, and it might as well be exactly as we think it is, its all spelled out, isnt it? its really just that we were the ones who spelled it out, and not T, or any other person who is practicipating in the situation. all im saying is that i wouldnt advise anyone to bet on whats going on w T rn (if for nothing else then just out of respect), and im sure eventually we will hear either a confirmation or a fully different story that will clear things up.

specualtion is free tho, and also pretty interesting, so as long as we keep it kinda hush-hush i think its okay that we entertain ourselves w these anecdotes. like im totally in, and i do think *the* ex is now truly an ex, like that much id even dare to place a bet on. the rest is just questionmarks😭😭😭 like i could see this new guy being actually something, or just a rebound-fling, or just a friend(?). and its also possible that he is the old ex, and then i do have even more questions, but the bar is under a frog's ass after the last guy, so im appriciative towards anyone who is slightly better than him, and it would appear to be a true challenge to be worse than him💀 sooo idk i do believe yall that that guy on the pics is really old KY guy, im just not sure if they r friends or fwb or dating or a secret fourth option? doesnt matter as long as T is okay and having fun. (also, i do think she could have spent some time being single IF she is in a relationship again, but hey, anything is better than how we were around a year ago, no? and as long as a guy doesnt treat her like shit im happy for her!!!) ((and yes. i am really sad miss K got looked over again if thats the case. even if i dont think we will ever get to live in a world they r actually legit dating. in another universe for sure. but in this one? too many hangups. these creatures cant even fucking talk abt the fact that they'd like to hang out more tgthr. like..... be fr😭 they r stooooopid, and thats okay. its sad, its tragic, but its okay, and they have a really special relationship regardless of whether they ever go that far or dont. there is always hope, and even if they fall out now, maybe they need it to break and actually confront the fact that they want to hang out? like there r so many ways for things to go. soooo many. i could sit here and spin this wheel on for hours with no end, i promise. i do think it could have happened in like 2020-2023? maybe even beginning of 24. but as things stand now... eeeh i think it wouldnt be such a clean cut, but they do tend to do things the more complicated way, at least thats how it seems to me. the thing is that they r such complex ppl and they have so many motives that i could make literal lists about what their excuses might be (such as work, but now that T says it doesnt matter that much maybe it changes, or such as age, or what-ifs, or fear of ruining what they have, or thinking that maybe they have missed their chance, new/old confidence issues, mental health states? ...these two...). on the other hand, do we really think K got looked over? Ts literal god? im not so sure, but only time will be able to tell wtf has been going on.))

i see ur concern, and yeah change is fucking scary, especially if such comforting things change. but u see, this could be exactly one of their hangups too. things keep changing no matter what, all we can do is hope they both r okay and happy and nice parts of each other's lives.

i understand that T keeps speaking abt wantimg kids, and sure, pop off! but like, i reaaaally doubt she would be actually having kids this year? like i feel like its maybe a new thing for her to think of having kids as an actual possibility she considers for her future, thus she speaks abt it openly since its one of the things she is interested in now! but like, having a kid is not this quick of a process, even a pregnancy takes 9 months😭😭 and also im pretty sure that her life isnt at a place where she could pick up a kid tomorrow and just go on and be her best self as a parent and i feel like she must be aware of that? T and K would both be at least okay parents, thats for sure!! but like, considering Ts past year... yeah i dont think it will be such a quick happening. once, in a few years, sure! even in 2, why not! but not tomorrow. she'd do fine as a single parent, she'd do fine w a partner, it will be fine, just really not as soon as some ppl r concerned it might be😭 let her just get that birdie first, i think that could be a logical and nice next step!

finally, i really dont think K would have such a problem w children? (even if she did, dont u think shed make an exception for T? im pretty sure she'd do almost anything for/with T.) like she absolutely adores her nephew as far as i know, so im certain she wouldnt delete T's contact info if/when she had a kid. im pretty sure T wouldnt block Ks number either just bc she became a parent, she also seems to know how nice K is to kids despite not necessarily getting them (see: her gifting a lot of money to her nephew's, like, 4th bday? but i could argue that thats a great gift, just more long term great😭). and what if T gets that kid and eventually calls K for help (more likely for herself and not the kid, but this is besides the point), and then K does help, and then they spend even more time together with this newfound excuse, and they realise how well they function as a family, and then they can finally move in together and be lesbians and be disgustingly in love and live happily ever after??? what then???? anyways, my point is that even if they r in a tiny bit of a divitation i highly doubt it would be due to T wanting a kid. i think its more that they both were afraid during T's break that if they reached out more they would annoy the other one, bc "omg what if she needed a break from me too???" (like. T needed a break from her god. and K needed a break from the person who tethers her to this earth. sure jan. emotionally they do have some challenges, thats certain!). and maybe they need to drift a bit apart to then get back together and be even closer (if that is scientifically even possible). things arent as linear and easy as we would like them to be, and since our perspective is and outside one, im pretty sure that from their pov it seems or at least feels sooooo much more complicated. while i just sit on the floor and go "just date ffs its not that hard!!4!4 look back footage of ur faces while u look at eachother!!! thats all u need!!44!", and we r both right! it is very complicated but it could also be manageable. (what i think might be more painful here is if T has the kid w a partner, bc that seems pretty, uh, *certain*, or unchangable, final? obvi its not ***that*** drastic, but it is a bigger deal. so yeah, but i stand by my op that none of this will happen in the blink of an eye, we'll see as it unfolds ig and hope for smth real nice)

[jerrydevine]

ok movie may rankingsssss its quite frankly soooo fucking long so i put it under a read more :) MWAH

31. moonage daydream 2022 um so when todd haynes basically said that reagan being in power was david bowies fault in velvet goldmine i get what he was saying when i watched the second half of this. it was so annoying listening to bowie talk about how he was like crazyyyy back then now hes normal (annoying and not in a fun way) boo

30. ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous stains 1982. ok this was actually a flop i wanted to like it so bad but i did not. boo

29. the daytrippers 1996. this was such a movie my indie snob cousin loves. it kind of felt like a long ass seinfeld episode. sorry women. the gay reveal was not. fun. it was 90s straight people trying to do a twist :/

28. muppet treasure island 1996 was ok. it was no the great muppet caper ..

27. spontaneous 2020 i did cry because of this movie i thought it was just gonna be a silly heheh good bad movie but i did cry. and they played forth of july sufjan stevens :(

all the movies after here i would rewatch and i liked :) i had a good movie may !!

26. descendants 2 2017 was not as good as descendants 1 or 3 to me now .. but thats ok they literally had chillin like a villain and the letterkenny guy

25. descendants 3 2019. hmmm i wanna keep her by descendants 2 just so theyre not lonely in this list. the plot was like ok mal having to do her morality thing again thats ok. evie was soooooo izzy lightwood and her loser ass march band boyfriend was sooo simon :)

24. murder on the orient express 1974 was better than death on the nile 1978 and there was a character with my name :) but i think i do not care as much about agatha christie mysteries as i thought i would. thats ok :)

23. arrival 2016 is prob one of the first times i knew about the specific field of the protag and it made me so mad because i spent the whole movie like. she would not fucking do that. she would not say that. come on. and of course the u.s. propaganda was like a frontal migraine but i guess it was good

22. the handmaiden 2016. why didnt anyone tell me about. you know. the plot of the movie. great lesbian sex but what the hell wasall that. 

21. donnie darko 2001 was like ok what . fine ok whatever

20. emma 1996 holy shit i watched a lot of 1996 movies this month. ummmmm ewan was there and it was literally emma. what more do you want me to say. it was good ish :P

19. dungeons & dragons: honor among thieves 2023 was so long no movie should be longer than 2 hours but it did feel like playing d&d with my buddies and sophia lillis was there :')

18. i know what you did last summer 1997. its like none of you even care that kevin williamson who wrote this AND scream 1996 is literally a gay ass homosexual man. and my friend.

17. red army 2014. i feel like this should be its own other thing because it was just a movie i would watch at 15 to learn as much about hockey as humanly possible. and not for fun for like mental illness reasons. anyway hockey :)

16. crip camp: a disability revolution 2020 is like red army 2014 like. informative and interesting documentary ! not able to rank it with fiction films i dont think so dont take its spot too seriously.

15. poison 1991. dont worry about it im just studying todd haynes and this movie was not as good as other movies i watched this month but actually its the best movie ever after velvet goldmine. or not its not in my top 3 todd movies of all time but thats ok it still set up many of the things he talks about in his later films esp the connection between the horror section and safe 1995 :)

14. the secret world of arrietty 2010. i didnt watch this until this year bc it was released just after when i would sit down and watch a new little ghibli movie. i wanted to rewatch totoro more than watch new ones.but it WAS the borrowers sooo fun :)

13. monty python and the holy grail 1975. they made lancelot soooooooo ugly which was like a joke in itself to me because lancelot would never look like that. but umm yeah my dad loves this movie and so many little jokes i thought were just family jokes were actually from this movie hehehe

12. the great muppet caper 1981 literally had peter falk in it and they knew they were in a silly movie and they kept saying kermit and fozzie were twins it was so silly and fun :)

11. seven up! 1964. british people getting studied is literally so real and true. i cant wait to continue in the series and see how these kids change.. 

10. some like it hot 1959. I NEED TO WATCH MORE MARILYN MONROE MOVIES ASAP BTW THIS MOVIE ROCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. this is spinal tap 1984. ummm yeah this was good. very good even. and christopher guest from my movies was there doing a horrible accent it was awesome :)

8. dottie gets spanked 1993. okok this is my todd haynes auteur studies and it is such a short film that foreshadows his future work i love you forever and ever my best friend todd haynes :D!!!!!!!!!!

7. videodrome 1983 had crazyyyyyyyyyyyy special effects i enjoyed the blowing up bodies and the tvs trying to kill you and the toronto..

6. big eden 2000 i wish they didnt have that whole plot with his high school bestie that was annoying and not whimsy but everything else and i mean EVERYTHING else was sooooo good and beautiful and i love you movie

5. elvira's haunted hills 2001 YIPPEE ELVIRA!!!!!!! RIFF RAFF WAS THERE!!! she talked like she was still a 2000s california girl but in 1850s europe it was awesome

4. rye lane 2023 was sooooo good and love is real and i need to go to england or i will die . woah that was an anglophile ass sentence but its true.

3. stardust 2007 YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO basically thats it. it was a movie that loves whimsy and the power of love. beth please watch it i mean it you would love it soooooo much 

2. the watermelon woman 1996 i love you lesbians i love you movies i love you movie lesbians. everyone should watch it its soooo good

1. velvet goldmine 1998 my best friend forever of course no one could be better <33

[sylliisimz]

Ghastly Realization

A nameless crime.

An estranged Phantom lingers in Brindleton Bay and lurked into the liminal halls of Bonehilda's Inherited Mansion, which belongs to her late husband.

After being summoned by sorceress Bibi to Cavalier Cove, the vampire mage - Bonehilda was granted the opportunity to be Flesh and Bone once again! With weekly visits to Bibi, becoming much like a client at the end of the exchange, she'd spent years recapturing her youth with Bibi's assistance.

The mother to three was cleaning off the bar to her spacious estate.

a young soul phases through the insulated walls of the house, approaching Nico Rico from behind, Bonehilda's oldest son whose spirit lingers after being buried on the property after a mishap in a domestic dispute with his ex-wife, Mushi Moo, Bibi's daughter.

[N]: "HEY! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

[D]: ''I'M DANYEHL BITCH! I DONE DID THE KNOCKING BUT I FR FELL THROUGH THE DOOR!"

[N]: "Yeah, I still have issues with that myself.."

[D]: "How long have you been like this"

[N]: "Almost a decade."

Danyehl tells her new acquaintance on the other side of the veil what she remembers in her last moments while living.

Later that evening after finding out bits and pieces of the reality his new neighbor was enduring, he went on a stroll and told Danyehl to make herself at home.

[N]: "Well, well, Mushi."

[M]: "...How did you get here?"

[N]: "Did some deep web shopping and found a relic that allows me to travel through soundwaves rather than the color spectrum."

[M]: ''Then how can I see you?"

[N]: "The frequency at which the relic allows me to tap into is vibrating at such a strong rate, a holographic image is probably projecting itself in your reality."

[A]: "Mom? Who's this?"

[N]: "Are you Alfuh?"

[M]: "Yes, this is Alfuh. Alfuh, please go have a seat, Mr.Rico and I have a lot to discuss."

Alfuh takes a seat, passing the stereo on the way to the couch, hearing the sound from the speakers crackle as he walked passed it.

Meanwhile, Mushi's hospitality kicked in, welcoming in her son's father as a means to keep his identity unknown.

After flashing a look in the direction of the spirit, Mushi ushered him to wrap up the situation, and the man's fatherly instincts sank in.

[N]: "Alf, buddy I need to speak with your mother in private, would you mind champ?"

With a confused look, Alfuh turns to his mother who nods in agreement, and the boy gets up to exit the area, shuffling his feet back to his room as it was too chilly to hang out outside.

[M]: "Is everything okay? Why spend so much to see us now?"

[N]: "A woman was killed in Brindleton Bay, Mushi."

[M]: "Okay? Thats not news."

[N]: "IT IS when the dead woman is falling into my house unannounced!"

[M]: "Awh did the big boy get scared?"

[N]: "It's not about me, Mushi, it's about my family."

[M]: "Oh yeah? Family.. look how that worked out for our family.."

The two sit in silence for a moment, and a memory sparks breaking the quiet surrounding them.

[N]: ''I always just wanted the best for us."

[M]: "That's the problem, Nico.."

[M]: "Like the day you woke up yelling at me for being IRResPonSIbLE. You crave control."

[N]: " YOU were GONE all night, Mushi! Not even Al could issue a search for you because you weren't MIA for more than 24 hours. You came home with that evil look on your face too."

[M] "Well yelling about it didn't do us any good did it?"

[N]: "No.. because now I'm talking to you through a radio wave hologram."

[M]: "Exactly, I'm not the one to blame for this. If we never ven LOOKED at that carbon copy of this house in Strangerville I wouldn't have ever caught this vile condition.."

[N]: ''It was 20k cheaper, Mushi.."

[M]: "Money comes and goes, Nico!"

The next morning, Nico Rico meets with his Son and talks to him as a stranger, an old friend of his mother's, to quell the child's curiosity and keep him safe from resentment.

Alfuh listens and chats with the specture, his gut sinking at the thought of his mom's choices in partners.

[A]: "I know you're dead already and all, but if you hurt my moms feelings, you'll be hiding six feet under from me."

The spitfire smiled, and it allowed Nico to exhale a hearty laugh.

[N]: "Noted."

[aeternaluminanoctis]

System update??? I guess?????? Does this count as trauma dumping?

Sometimes you get sick to the point that you wake up choking and clutching your chest in pain nightly and that experience makes you split. And sometimes the new alter spawns in with a pod that instructs them what to do... and sometimes they front for the rest of the night after a coughing fit, thinking they are protecting other androids (they think the system is other androids). And Yknow what??? Sometimes you, the host, don't know about this and think that whole situation was just a weird fever dream about a fandom until 14 hrs later when the pod speaks up and suggests you do something and you realize, hey, you DID infact split another caregiver.

And sometimes that happens before you even get to process your recent new protector. So now you've condemned the whole system to watching cringe nostalgia rpgs to cope.

ANYWAY thats how our last 24 hours have been spent! 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠

[thoughtslikeocean]

September 30, 2024 7:51 AM

I just returned from a 2 week trip to Taiwan. It was amazing for so many different ways. Didn't come here to debrief that trip just yet though. I have other things on my mind, I need to process this morning.

I've been dating this guy pretty consistently for the last month. He's very kind, dates well, checks many of my boxes but something is super off with us physically and I cant quite figure out what it is. It hasn't necessarily worried me... meaning I haven't been giving too much energy into overthinking about it. But now, since we spent these last 24 hours together post my trip, i'm like no. Something is off. Normally, Id call Britt or Ash and hash it out with them but I'm going to try something different this time. I'm going to talk to him about it. He has had multiple conversations with me about how he's soooo affectionate and needs someone to be like that with him. That has not been evident when we hang out lol

My gut feeling is telling me that he wants to be and maybe doesn't know how. But thats not something I want to assume.

What is left up to me to decide is that something I'm willing to guide/teach or is that a requirement off jump for me. I was thinking about it a little bit this morning and I think that would depend on how he sees himself. If he truly considers himself to be affectionate and this is what it is for him, then it'll get annoying real quick being told what you're doing isn't enough. However if he says yeaaa I can be a little awkward but id life to work on that and receive your feedback then that could be a lot easier for me to work with.

He mentioned something at dinner last night that was slightly concerning. We were joking about something and he mentioned that he was "almost 40". I always tell him his rounding are very extreme lol but I asked "How do you feel about that? Are you ready to be 40?" He said no. He feels like he hasn't accomplished anything and isn't ready to say i'm 40 and hasn't "done anything".

So this had me thinking, are you really this hard on yourself? You truly believe that about yourself. You've spent 35 years on this planet and feel like you've done nothing? It made me sad for him. I'd like explore that more. I went a tad bit deeper at dinner and asked well what do you feel like you need to scratch off your list and he mentioned he's not married with kids. So maybe it's not as deep as i'm thinking about it. Maybe like most other men, they aspire to have a family to take care of. It's sort of their biggest accomplishment. They are simple in that way (in a good way).

Men are not women. The way they think is so different. What's important to them is so different. And maybe not the what but the how is vastly different. I'm having a hard time understanding how to navigate that. Sometimes I find that the advice i'm giving to a man comes from a place on how a woman would think about it. And it not always entirely helpful for them to look at it that way. And I often find myself sort of trying to feminize a man's way of thinking without realizing it. So I try to sit back, listen more, less talking, trying hard to understand, I often just don't lol

I like R. I do feel like he's showing so much effort and intention. I can't tell if he's holding back and doesn't understand what he's holding lol

Strange. I've never had to deal with this kind of issue before.

I'm used to navigating lying, playing etc. I've had years of practice with that so its become comfortable even though its not whats desired. Now that you're truly wanting something different fro your life, you have to practice having healthy conversations that help progress your relationship. You don't have any practice with it so its uncharted territory and feels uncomfortable. You can do hard things though :)

[gayspock]

the voicess bwahhhh

my current crazy or whatever. see i thinkabout my life sometimes and the htought of stretching it out before me, and how genuinely its jsut been just me alone for so much ofit. like i thought about trying to think up the actual figure and the acutal percentage.... something something. say ivebeen alive 210k~ hours total give or take.

and then i think about school. apparently around 17k hours total. and i dontknow. really thats just being in the vicinity of other people, but i guessit counts in some roundabout way. usually at least a convo a day if you average out theperiods where i was nearly sociable with the longyears of just fucking spiralling in the toilets at lunch or redacted. and idk. say i spent 10k hours at my last job. probs laess than that at my current job cuz of the wfh availability.

and then i thinkabout the times outsideof that.cuz outside of that what is there. i could probably always just count on my hand the number of times i spent time with people outside of any of that. i know as akid it would barely be ever. and its not like my parentssspent time with me. and i think even being generous it cant get anywhere close to 20% . and of that 20% it isvastly that time spent in school or at work.

i thinkifeel crazy. whenever i see people talking about the casual wayshtey spend time with other people outside of thingslike that i feel like an insaneperson because im never going to understand any ofit i dont think . do you ever feel like you cant any more, likeits long fucking gone. like im never goingto learn it properly. something something. i wish i could be hopeful about it sometimes i dobut i fucking want to be realistic and not have smoek blown up my ass like fuckme realistically . i cant everget it together enough to get out there and, when i do i jsut dont think anyones evergoing to lke me. maybe theres someone in the worldwho would but i dont think i'd ever get to meet them and theyd probably better spend their patience elsewhere. becausei meani wouldnt want to spend time with me either when im so fuckign fucked in the head halfthe time and i cant talk right and i dont reallyhave anything else going on in mylife but fucking endless spiralling out of control that i cant eve rget a hand on and i dont know. people can be like "nobody things like that!" but liek look man. the vast majority of peopledo. its always fucking . suspicious and derision likewhy. why dont you have friends. why. and no imnot fucking good at talking topeople. i feelcrazy . i dont know how to. ive tried mybest but ifeel like i cant get anything right . i dont know whats wrong with me. because its like itsnot tat people hate-hate me like fine judge me but im jsut. i cant fucking find my way withanything . im so nothing or whatever. i cant follow anyones fucking conversatiosnever and it gets so much fucking worse when youre consistently left out of fucking eveyrthing and playing catch up the whole time and it just. i want torelax but i jsut feel like imgoing nuts.

andi get so sour sometiemes seeing people just live life and feeling lke even when i go out and i try to do it i jsut feel rejected at every point idont know. its fuckinghorrible. i feel so wrong all the time and i hate myself and idont want to do it any more and this and that and whatever and allitever is is just youre not trying hard enough or just keep trying or keepgoing and its just. why cnat it just be as easy as it isfor everyone else how can eveyrone else just be connected to things how canyou have friends that know who you are how can youhave family that knows what youre upto how do people exist in theirday to day lives justnot fucking alone 24/7 it feels like the world stops when italkto people sometimes because how many hours how long can you go i spend a day if im generous with people outside of work a day a year? is thatall and it always feelslike a pity gesture from someone who noticed or ive been tagged along with a group idont feel a part of and i wish it wasnt so easy tojsut fall out existence all the time i remember all the timeas a kidi'd loveee to just disappear and nobody would ever realise . and iheear people talk about interpersonal issues allthe time and ifeel so detached and disconnectedbecause none of it feels real any more i dont fucking even feel like its within my grasp like. i dontknow as a kid yes always fucking jealousand sad and trying to imagine the ways i'd slot into peoples livesbut wheres thepush and pull any more i cant even fathom it i dont fucking care . does anyone go nuts . whats it like tobe human or whatever whatsit like you can go out and fucking talk to someone or go out and do anyhting or oyu can go places and spend time with people . i dont have any photos in my house because i dont have any photos with anyone and i dont have any memories i try to go places alone and i tryto talk to people when i do but it just feels so hollow andlike im so desperate man i feel nuts i feel crazy bwahhh

[iguanasplit]

hey, its the hottest spring, speudo-summer i might say. i am considering retaking journalling just because i have the hunch it would do wonders to my mind. drawing is too doing wonders to my mind, both simultaneously creating and allowing some information, ideas relief.

i am 24, writing to an old voice, from a website i barely touch but that craddled my dreams when i entered college. and now after eons im here, i do come here sometimes to just talk to you like this, but i do still come sometimes, the same way you pop on my mind sometimes, lighthearted, not always good, but always lovingly. so im here. 4:30pm still working hours but im on lunch break. i work home. extra time i waste because my organizing skills have always been bad and i heard it has a name and im not medicating propperly for it, but then again i never have and ive come this far. so once again, track lost and refound, im here. 24, sitting at home working, drenched in sweat because the weather is awful, but in front of me theres my keyboard, my screen and to my side its the box i set up yesterday, my first and very own CPU. its black, tall and the left side has a pannel that allows me to see the fans spin and the silver of the processors resistance. something i always wanted when i was a child. a real gamer cpu, bought with my own money, and something i wasnt expecting. assembled throught my own hands. i know i shouldnt celebrate departures but in this case i cant help but being way too happy. way too giddy. y' know the way my head just gets stuck on things and wont let go till a big dawn. i hadnt realized how much i was missing, (a pity my brain just wouldnt let go) being entirely obsessed with several groups and such. uh yeah. the posters are there and the albums are too, but i dont burn like i did, desperate to know what did the kpop boys i like this round do today. they seem to be busy, thats good but its as good as i care, i dfidnt realize until i left how in most cases it felt like it didnt quite fit.

now im back on games stuff, its like i should have come here before, you know i knew i would have enjoyed it, their approach, this peoples approach to art is much freer, much more experimental and interesting and i could cry on how well it feels, not just to see things i think about appreciated but finding people who seem to be on that same wavelength. not that i dont appreciate the time, not that i dont love dearly everyone the past around 8 years gave me. i am just simply overjoyed in what i find today. i guess in the end everythings a phase, beginning and end entirely important. how i enter and how i end, what i got in the process its whats really important. i feel youd get it. but more importantly, and the most importantly is that their approach to art reignited mine in a way i hadnt seen in years, that nothing, nothing ever came close to do in the past decade since after you passed. maybe bts came close, but that only solidifies a subject above that has to do with themes and experimentation of art. but back on track. many times last year and in the past few years i was considering jsut leaving art, wanted to rip it off me. wanted off so i wouldnt disappoint myself every single time i tried and tried and failed, knowing i could be normal if i let go something i was never gifted and pretending would just burn me all over. the whole process has been like trying desperately to bury a living thing and hoping it stops coming out. every feet of dirt i just kept disappointing me further, i kept wishing i could take it all lightly. i was so close to dropping it, entirely.and well the regret the regret of seeing how much does everyone around me with real art careers were improving so much while i was crunching code on websites, most time spent trying to tell myself i could make it without drawing, maybe that will ease me out on the paper. but it never did it never came easier, it became harder and harder, and most times i wanted off as if it never existed in first place. not that i didnt love it i simply convinced myself it would be pointless to put on an effort and be disappointed in the end by the lackluster results i end up giving. im sorry, no amount of eroding edges and softening remove how jagged my insides are, and sorry no amount of regret can turn back time and hone the skills for all the time i lost being afraid, thats always been my pitfall. im sorry i only wanted to make you a drawing to explain how much your art ever meant to me and i never got the guts to truly put you in paper. you have always been the most tender of souls and my lacking hand couldnt do justice. but i think im back now. what i mean is that im back to trying this for real, with the intention of breaking, the intention of what i desperately said i did but i never did. im breaking the bones and instead of burying it im ransacking the fucking grave i guess. it all starts the same place it ends. im back where i was in highschool when i decided my young naive self that i wanted to tell stories through art, obsessed with games and animated series, and you were there too, beautiful, so i thought, i should tell you, because i tell you everything.

and so im back where i started, so much time lost but no regrets i guess. sorry not for dropping the pencil but for the many many times i lied about it. you will have my worse because thats after all the most that could be given, stupid, and worrysome, and unable to stop making all the mistakes i didnt make when i was young and too busying trying to make a daughter my parents would be proud instead of whatever i am so theres so much to pick up. i am to be build from scratch, so much to do, so much rough, so much lack of skills, and so you will have me in all the mistakes and loose ends i left, the splinter in the wood from everything i tore apart and never propperly cleaned, but its all of me, and theres so much to clean here before we can propperly start anew. i will take care of it. anyway, i build a computer from scratch like i wished when i was 14 and i still have some tasks to do for work today, but after that im all yours so if youll have me.

[nathank77]

5/18/24

9:25 p.m Edited/Added to

I just got home from the hospital. It was nice seeing her. I spent a couple hours there maybe 3. She was mostly sober cause yea she was on oxy. So we had a regular normal conversation which was really nice. She seemed sober. It was really nice. I could see my mother behind her eyes. Something I don't see ever.

She's thinking about trying to apply for fmla so she can go to rehab. Her idea not mine idk what fmla is lol but paid leave. That's all I know. I made sure to bring it up to her nurse and gave her skyes contact cause of the hours. Bc the case manger could potentially get it approved. She came in the er so drunk. They know the right things to say and now is the time to act..

So hopefully she does that. I won't give my hopes up. Cause I get it she needs to get paid and she also will return to her normal habit if she stays at home. It's sad cause she always thinks about quiting drinking when she's spent a few days away from it at the hospital... like she knows she feels better once she stops withdrawing and is more clear headed but she can't quit at home.. which i mean I do get. There is a reason rehabs exist.

I feel better having seen her. I'll go tomorrow after therapy if she doesn't come home. We could have a really good relationship if she stopped drinking that's the saddest part. I love her so much. I hope they can get it approved and I hope she actually goes. I'll visit her all the time.

But I'll expect her to come home and drink herself to death cause yea. She brought up a time when she was sober cause she was out of work... I low key remember but I think she was still drinking just less so I didn't spend time with her. I was with Katie and thats something I resent about Katie is she made me resent my mother more and stay away from her. It's important to me that my partner takes my mother as she is. I get that if she had kids, she couldn't be around the kids. I get things would be a little different but I expect her to take her as she is. And to talk to her and make eye contact with her. Katie wouldn't even make eye contact with her.

Anyways I'm still stressed about sleep... I'm worried I'll struggle.. but hopefully it was just anxiety about not seeing my mom and all those feelings that came up last night about how she could have died. And the fact that I didn't go to see her...

Idk what to do about Mark. Here are my thoughts:

1) I will respect myself more if I don't go cause he didn't accept me for who I was as a person. And I always put everyone else first and disregard my feelings. This isn't to spite Mark. This is me saying. He didn't mean anything to me and I don't need to see a dead body and people crying and I dont need to say good bye I don't want to talk about the, "good times." My dad looked at mark like he was shit. They didn't talk. Of course it's his brother but I mean why do I have to go for you? When he didn't respect my identity? My entire being? Who I am as a person?

I'm not trying to spite anyone. I feel bad he died. I feel bad for him-how he died. And for his family for my father. For everyone who loved him..but I respect myself too much to pretend he meant anything to me beyond I care that another human being suffered...

But then I will put a wall between me and my father.. bc he doesn't want to understand that for one mental pictures are a thing. Negativity is a thing. I need to be in healthy situations. And only deal with something like death if someone I truly care about is dying...

Beyond that it's my identity. Not the fact that I don't work or idk that I'm fiscally liberal or something.

2) I will likely respect myself equally if I go bc- it's the right thing to do for my father. But only for him. It's not the right thing to do for me.

I always put everyone else first. All the time constantly... and for once I don't want to but I don't want to build a wall between me and my father.

So idk what to do cause it's only the right thing for my father not for me.

That's the thing about the right thing.. the right thing isn't always obvious...

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are same."- The Fray All At Once.

The hardest thing and the right thing are the same in this case, putting myself first but it will effect me and my father's relationship.

So idk. All I know is the right thing for me is to not go. The right thing for my father is to go.

I reference that song for a reason bc of that quote. The fray is one of my favorite bands of all time and that qoute struck me when I was a teenager. And it applies to this.

The song below is really important to me:

"Looking for something I've never seen

Alone and I'm in between

The place that I'm from and the place that I'm in

A city I never been

I found a friend or should I say a foe

Said there's a few things you should know

We don't want you to see we come and we go

Here today, gone tomorrow

We're only taking turns

Holding this world

It's how it's always been

When you're older you will understand

If I say who I know it just goes to show

You need me less than I need you

Take it from me we don't give sympathy

You can trust me trust nobody

But I said you and me we don't have honesty

The things we don't want to speak

I'll try to get out but I never will

Traffic is perfectly still

We're only taking turns

Holding this world

It's how it's always been

When you're older you will understand

And then again maybe you don't

And then again maybe you won't

We're only taking turns

We're only taking turns

Holding this world

It's how it's always been

When you're older you will understand"

[swimmingenthusiasty]

Start 26th+all27th start 3.29th+all30th

Oh. Just over four days a year. Starting at 9, four times will add about half a day. I guess it's until midnight the next day. So 30th at 00. Or more 30th at 03.00 to get the fifth away from 360. Or it happens five times.

No one around, and you've had too much, and the weather is just an out of place chill. You feel susceptible to the slightest glance. Energy transfer.

Who do you trust? What kind of energy?

Well, if you sleep. You'll wake up at 2,5,8... and your body will feel like it wants to scream. You will regret it. You'll feel like you got hurt. You'll feel so alone, you'll wish you spent time with someone instead. Someone you love. Someone new. You'll feel like something terrible has just been done. You'll feel sorry to yourself. I'm sorry that it happened.

If you stay up, you'll feel influence from the snake. You'll be moved by subtle things. You'll be moved in general. Repositioned. It's important that you respond quickly and move back to a position that you decide you want for this night. If it smells, make it smell good for you. If it's cold, make it feel warm for you. If you rushed suddenly and said you want to leave, be prepared to apologize and return to your seat. The only people who get to stay up this night are the ones who won't be coming back again. People who get to leave. You want to be one of those people.

Do not spend this night asleep. Do not spend this night in a trance, like in front of a movie or in a dance. Don't talk. Should spend this night fucking for ages. But wanting them. The whole time. Don't cum till it's past noon the next day. Don't use props or clothes and don't put anything between you. Let it be tender, gentle, nothing intense. Nothing hard-core.

I don't know what will happen to you otherwise. But it wasn't pretty the last time. I am told that it won't be this time either. Something to wince at if you're a bystander. I'm sorry. It was preventable.

the snake always lies.

the pigs always lie.

The spider always lies.

Your good nature is the only thing that will save you. You're the only one who will help you.

If last season is anything to go by. I'm so sorry. Never have twelve hours meant so much.

Stupid. Is the only way to describe sleeping or being alone on this night.

I hope you can forgive me. I hope you can forgive yourself.

The snake always lies.

The pigs always lie.

The spider always lies.

That doesn't mean do the opposite of their lying. The opposite of a lie is not always the truth. It just means they're lying. They're self-serving, thats the reason, which is fine, everyone is. But always what they speak is a lie.

The snake always lies.

The pigs always lie.

The spider always lies.

Your good nature is the only thing that will save you.

Event starts at 9 or 10pm and goes past twelve hours. Because if you sleep it could be that you are waking up in the opposite hemisphere. So I think it goes 24 hours. 9pm to 9pm. But the main event is 9pm till noon.

How can you know the exact day. I think July first or second will be a special time. Start at night 9pm first of July. The whole second of July can be a great start to a new season if I want it to be. Starting from the evening of the first. The next starts on the night of October third all the way through the fourth. Then the night of Sunday fifth of January right through the sixth. Then something happens over the new year and a fifth day goes.

The next is not the evening of Wednesday 9th.

What do you do in preparation. I think sleep plenty beforehand. Load up on vit d on the night. Don't think of anything. Feel alright with everyone no matter what.

How should you spend the day. The twelve hours after noon, I'll find out in a sec. I think you have to stay up. Till a full 24 has passed. But go out in the sun. Don't make too many choices. Yeah you have to stay up. When you sleep you'll basically upload. And then when you wake up after the second sleep, you'll have a.. presence.

If you loved during the whole night, they'll have nothing else to go off. There'll be no room for them.

If you thought anything or talked alot or wrote anything down, or had doubt about anything, that's the space the presence will occupy.

You should be gentle in living life. No stress no changes to think about.