#so thats what i spent the last 24 hours doing

[muirneach]

'Sulphur' and 'Selenium' by Mary Soon Lee

Sulphur #16 sits atop Selenium #34 in the periodic table. Selenium is rarely found in nature without Sulphur nearby.

for the periodic haiku series by @simmyfrobby

[ennabear]

i beg of you to write more mean abby.. i reread all of ur mean abby works religiously i swear i just love her too much ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

ʕ≧ᴥ≦ʔ NONNIEEEEE STOP THIS JS TOO SWEET!!!! IM BLUSHING IM BLUSHING I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!! sorry this is a lil bit messy, i haven’t really had time to lock in on anything official I HOPE THATS OKAY!!!! here are some thoughts… 18+

i think mean!abby is one of those people who are discreetly rich. she’s not the type of person to go on big fancy vacations, or buy expensive sports cars, or to always have the newest technology. before she met you, she probably spent most of her money on books or expensive brands of tea imported from countries she’s never even heard of. after she met you, though? she’d swipe her card a million times a day to see you smile.

the best way i can describe her personality is like some old cranky grandpa, the scary guy on the block who never smiles but is very confrontational. if you’ve seen her around, you’d know that she’s always wearing a scowl, only leaves her penthouse apartment early to go to the gym, and has beef with most of her neighbors. but if you know know her? she’s a sweetie pie. she loves spontaneous sweet treats, slow dancing to 70’s music, old horror films (mean!abby letterboxd goes CRAZY i just know), and most shockingly, her cats.

and she LOVES those fuckers. it’s so perfect how she can have a companion who’s quiet and small and independent, and two of them? barely any responsibility. they have an automatic feeder, entertain each other, and only bug her about once a day for attention.

as for her job, i could see her having two possibilities. one being an extreme workaholic. maybe an office job or a surgeon or something?? (NOT a nurse because they’re supposed to be good at talking to people…) OR she only really works part time, some freelance job that doesn’t really have any rules. a photographer or a tattoo artist or some sort of small business that she can mostly manage on her own. money has never been an issue for her, coming from a family of doctors. her ass was spoiled rotten as a kid, and after her dad died she inherited all of that money.

she’s the biggest protector in the world. someone was talking shit about you? she’s breaking their nose right now actually. i think the biggest reason she’s “mean” is because she actually just has anxiety. the last time she felt a love this strong, it was for her dad. she can’t afford to lose you like she lost him, so she always has to make sure you’re safe and sound. it’s not like she’s trying to be controlling by texting you every half hour, she just worries that maybe she won’t be able to protect you for once, and it’ll be at the worst possible time.

ok lock in here are some nsfw thoughts :3

you know that trope that’s like “big mean stoic character is actually the subbiest bottomest little puppy in the whole world.” yeah…. if you don’t agree what are you still doing here.

it definitely took her a while to be this vulnerable, but jesus christ is it worth it!!! the way you get to watch her squirm and whimper underneath you, knowing that you’re the only one who can make her feel this way. to give your big protective guard dog girlfriend a night off, to take care of her in return for all that she does for you.

and she lovessss being tied up!!!! something about the intimacy of knowing you’re gonna give her a good time makes her submit to you almost instantly. she has to trust you on this, has sit back and relax and let her brain melt because she physically can’t do anything about it.

when she does dom i imagine she’s a pretty big brat tamer. c’mon, not everyone has the luxury of having a girlfriend like her. if you don’t act grateful she’ll whip you in to shape. literally. she’s not afraid of a good spanking.

also she’s strapped up 24/7 but this is canon in every universe… no matter what she’s doing or where she’s going or who she’s gonna meet, the strap stays ON!!! just in case she may need it….

but she’s the aftercare QUEEN. of course. apart from the basics like food, water, cuddles, etc. she has tonssss of knowledge on proper aftercare. you’d never have to worry about being hurt or getting a uti or feeling unloved because she’s read every forum to exist about aftercare!!! i just know this bitch runs a tumblr kink blog like it’s the military… 🤦

that’s all…. going to eep now……

[crazylittlejester]

Okay, so firstly, the anons are correct in saying you can take your time. I think everyone's floundering a little bit regarding motivation and inspiration right now due to the general quietness. I know I've been having a hard time transitioning from my school schedule to my summer routine, and it's been messing with my ability to write fics.

i think the real issue with me is i got my ass beat by that last month of school because I made the really fantastic decision to speed run a whole college course in like two days (dont do that) and i had 16 essays to write in those two days, and then the week after I wrote a 14 page paper in a little over 24 hours or something and during all of that I was still writing and posting fics (because i am stupid). And then school ended and I had absolutely nothing to do with myself and I felt like I had a bunch of missing assignments so writing fics became the new missing assignments for me, and then the exhaustion hit me like a bus and i crashed for a bit because I genuinely could not live my life like that anymore 😭

and now that I think I’ve genuinely recovered from all that, it being so quiet just feels weird and is killing my motivation, but like I totally get that people are busy and wrapping up THEIR school years and recovering from that, or preparing for events and stuff

im getting a better at writing because i WANT to because its fun to do and not because im treating it like homework assignments that have due dates, and i spent the last week actually going outside and walking around which was good for me mentally i think.

yknow what i think life would be so much easier if i would stop forgetting to take my fuckin adhd meds- but at the end of the day I’m just a little guy 🥺 (and also a bit of a fucking moron but thats besides the point)

anyways its reassuring (i think thats the word im looking for…?) to know im not the only one who’s struggled with writing while transitioning from school to summer schedules

[tgirlswagseraphina]

twenty five

The past two years i've done long blog posts for new years, and funnily enough it feels like i've got less to say this time. Thats what i often say before saying a lot, so, lets just see where it takes me.

On new years you can look back or forward. What happened this year? What will i do next year? Ill start with forward. Well I have a new drawing tablet, a new city, a place in university for the next 5 years, crap, that was just, on a small scale, looking back. Cuz you gotta look back to look forward, or rather, look present. What are my circumstances right now and how will i carry them forward? Right now, I've got those things to carry forward. A new place in the world, and an open path towards making art without my hands tied.

I've also got me. The best version of it. The me on 1/1/24 was a fucking shambles, but by god she didnt show it. Actually I think i was alright, the devestation didnt come til like week 2 of janurary. Either way, I've learned a lot in a luckily mostly controlled environment as to not hugely screw me over. This year was the benefits of learning from suffering, with the suffering being held at arm's (or modem's) length. Like setting off grenades on the other side of the room to build slow immunity to shrapnel. Except getting lightly exploded a bunch doesnt actually make you better at not getting hurt by them. Which to me is precisely why this metaphor works.

Anyway, whats fucked about me right now? I'm an addict and a procrastinator, and between the two it makes my life feel like it has 10 functional minutes per waking hour. A problem that I'll have to brute force. Not looking forward to having to get better (havent i done enough of that this year???) but i'm most definitley looking forward to the part at the end where i AM better.

What have I improved, now? My life is less one note, more social, I've refined my pallete of artistic interests, I've opened up more to the idea of Doing Things Right, to the level where I can keep my "unique perspective" or whatver when making stuff, while not being averse to efficiency. The best analogy I have is that I've been working on a comic for the past 4 years (wow 4 years wtf) and this whole time been limiting myself to a colour pallette of about 40. But recently I've dropped this limit cause I'm confident my stuff stands out enough that I don't need to put on arbitrary limitations that screw up my chance to make stuff readable, detailed, or fun as i want, in the name of making a "cool style".

Back on that first bit about being more social, and less one note: I feel like I live in the world now. Thats probably the biggest change for me. I'm not in some narrow slice of other peoples worlds and regress to the cave when I'm off-hours. I exist. Thats brilliant.

I am a human body. Take care of it (said to myself).

I can do whatever. I can take up stitching. I can take up photography. I can buy a hat or a dildo or a sandwich. I can draw a fucking red circle round my guitar. I am a human body. And you're all just livin' in it.

Last year I wrote a bunch of dates and how long its been since movies n games came out, which is like, one way to think about new years. 2023 is thirty years after mega man x? But I was reminded of how I spent a lot of new years evening categorising family and friend birth dates, their respective doctor who era, and what the latest episode at the time was (i was born three days after david tennant's 'doomsday' for those interested). It made me think: man. this autism brained media consumption and categorisation is easy to shun. But as long as I do it in conjuction with Humaning and Being Alive, its what I should do. Its what my mind likes and my soul calls to. Sometimes i just wanna watch telly, read wikis, and write brain-spreadsheets about it. It can be analytical and avoiding artistic engagement but screw that. I can artistically engage. I do it all the fucking time. Let my brain make a graph of release dates. Its who I am. That was a fun non sequiter tangent. But if you're me (which I am) you'll know it was pretty important to the whole thing.

Also i found out i was a system this year thats sure somethin huh.

All in all i feel really good about this year's blogpost. Now, I'll read the others, reminisse, look forward, then sleep. And leave the reading of this to all of you. Nighty night fellas, ladies, and the ppl who dont giv a fuck. Peace out.

o-<)/

<3

[night-dark-woods]

15, 21, 23, 24!!

THANK U ECHO this got so long oops.

15. that one thing you see in fanart all the time

hmmm not destiny-specific (i dont have any d2 specific gripes i dont think) & i mostly follow cool gay & trans ppl so this is much less of an issue than in the wider fandom (every so often some Main Fandom Art makes its way to me and i do a full double take) but like. i knowww they are almost all the same character model in-game but can we please get some characters who arent super skinny supermodels in here. please.

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

not to sound like an edgelord but. the traveler. if we can acknowledge that the Darkness isnt ontologically Evil, i think we can (PLEASE) acknowledge that the Light isnt inherently good. and im not talking about the superpowers we get, they've (narrative team) made it quite clear that individuals choose to do what they will with based on their own morals. but the traveler is, imo, positioned as a Morally Good Agent Of The Light far more than the witness is Of The Darkness, and i think we need to talk more about the traveler's agenda!!! again, this complexity isnt completely absent from the narrative, but it doesnt feel like those interpretations are... metatextually supported igss? like zavala's frustration with the traveler leaving feels more like a very christian (as someone who was not raised religious) test of faith that zavala (and the canonical YW) have Passed and will be Rewarded.

where's tevis my best friend tevis. we need more characters with that pov. god is real god resurrected you god gave you a second chance at life with no memories of your past and a guardian angel (a "chattering oversoul," to quote toland) to tell you where to go and who deserves to die and raise you every time you fail just to throw you back into the divine crusade. like. lets talk about that a little more!!!

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

this is hard bc i am in general very willing to "yes-and" ANYTHING with a hint of chemistry or a fun dynamic. it may not compell me but if you can point out a narrative similarity btwn characters i will almost always be down. unless its one i hate ("hate" being a strong word. really its just the strongest possible apathy) bc i contain multiudes :thumbsup:.

i can't think of a pairing i started out disliking and then changed my mind about due to fandom unfortunately. the closest would be igss that i hate crow/amanda as its written in the text BUT my perhaps controversial opinion is i think transitioning could fix crow specifically the version of crow i have in my head who did not get uldren's memories back. SotL was so good for the overarching plot of d2 but so so so bad for the type of awoken-enjoyer i am & imo the like... thesis statement of what a guardian is lol!

so unfortunately i dont have an answer for this one (i dont think "i like the pretend version i made up in my head" counts as coming around on a ship lmfao), bc you can pair any two destiny women and ill be like yeah for sure! and i have curated my online space well enough that i rarely see any other kind of ship, and when i do its gay men (o14, uldren/jolyon, someone i follow is cooking something with saladin/drifter which is inspired. i love whatever is happening there) which is like cheering absently for a sports team idc about but support on principle.

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

mara. its always fucking mara. literally spent an hour and a half last night rehashing d1 mara-course in a server with someone who has not read any lore. which is fine! thats a fine way to engage with the game! its a valuable perspective! but use i-statements and accept that you are coming to the table with 10% of the facts about the character.

honorable mention goes to anything about redemption arcs (and savathun specifically)- most recently that fuuucking saint killing sav repeatedly lore tab. and if you (general) cant be assed to care about evil women (skill issue, but whatever), thats also backsliding YEARS on saints characterization and i dont even care about saint!!!

so really the answer is misogyny lmfao.

[secondchoice-ragdoll]

Am I the only one who is a little sad that the moment Trixie was single she didn't take a second look at Katya and immediately went to the ex? She could've given her a chance. And I wonder how K really feels now that she wants kids. I know she doesn't want them herself, but I'm afraid this will change things between them and I really really hope they don't.

ugh okay first of all: im totally w u and i a 100% see ur point. these have crossed my mind too, and i can easily get to a place where these topics make me sad for a while. but genuinely i dont think we should worry too much abt any of it. at the end all i want is for them to be happy, no matter how that looks like🤝

on a further note, we cant be like *actually* sure abt any of what is going on? like yes it seems pretty clear, and it might as well be exactly as we think it is, its all spelled out, isnt it? its really just that we were the ones who spelled it out, and not T, or any other person who is practicipating in the situation. all im saying is that i wouldnt advise anyone to bet on whats going on w T rn (if for nothing else then just out of respect), and im sure eventually we will hear either a confirmation or a fully different story that will clear things up.

specualtion is free tho, and also pretty interesting, so as long as we keep it kinda hush-hush i think its okay that we entertain ourselves w these anecdotes. like im totally in, and i do think *the* ex is now truly an ex, like that much id even dare to place a bet on. the rest is just questionmarks😭😭😭 like i could see this new guy being actually something, or just a rebound-fling, or just a friend(?). and its also possible that he is the old ex, and then i do have even more questions, but the bar is under a frog's ass after the last guy, so im appriciative towards anyone who is slightly better than him, and it would appear to be a true challenge to be worse than him💀 sooo idk i do believe yall that that guy on the pics is really old KY guy, im just not sure if they r friends or fwb or dating or a secret fourth option? doesnt matter as long as T is okay and having fun. (also, i do think she could have spent some time being single IF she is in a relationship again, but hey, anything is better than how we were around a year ago, no? and as long as a guy doesnt treat her like shit im happy for her!!!) ((and yes. i am really sad miss K got looked over again if thats the case. even if i dont think we will ever get to live in a world they r actually legit dating. in another universe for sure. but in this one? too many hangups. these creatures cant even fucking talk abt the fact that they'd like to hang out more tgthr. like..... be fr😭 they r stooooopid, and thats okay. its sad, its tragic, but its okay, and they have a really special relationship regardless of whether they ever go that far or dont. there is always hope, and even if they fall out now, maybe they need it to break and actually confront the fact that they want to hang out? like there r so many ways for things to go. soooo many. i could sit here and spin this wheel on for hours with no end, i promise. i do think it could have happened in like 2020-2023? maybe even beginning of 24. but as things stand now... eeeh i think it wouldnt be such a clean cut, but they do tend to do things the more complicated way, at least thats how it seems to me. the thing is that they r such complex ppl and they have so many motives that i could make literal lists about what their excuses might be (such as work, but now that T says it doesnt matter that much maybe it changes, or such as age, or what-ifs, or fear of ruining what they have, or thinking that maybe they have missed their chance, new/old confidence issues, mental health states? ...these two...). on the other hand, do we really think K got looked over? Ts literal god? im not so sure, but only time will be able to tell wtf has been going on.))

i see ur concern, and yeah change is fucking scary, especially if such comforting things change. but u see, this could be exactly one of their hangups too. things keep changing no matter what, all we can do is hope they both r okay and happy and nice parts of each other's lives.

i understand that T keeps speaking abt wantimg kids, and sure, pop off! but like, i reaaaally doubt she would be actually having kids this year? like i feel like its maybe a new thing for her to think of having kids as an actual possibility she considers for her future, thus she speaks abt it openly since its one of the things she is interested in now! but like, having a kid is not this quick of a process, even a pregnancy takes 9 months😭😭 and also im pretty sure that her life isnt at a place where she could pick up a kid tomorrow and just go on and be her best self as a parent and i feel like she must be aware of that? T and K would both be at least okay parents, thats for sure!! but like, considering Ts past year... yeah i dont think it will be such a quick happening. once, in a few years, sure! even in 2, why not! but not tomorrow. she'd do fine as a single parent, she'd do fine w a partner, it will be fine, just really not as soon as some ppl r concerned it might be😭 let her just get that birdie first, i think that could be a logical and nice next step!

finally, i really dont think K would have such a problem w children? (even if she did, dont u think shed make an exception for T? im pretty sure she'd do almost anything for/with T.) like she absolutely adores her nephew as far as i know, so im certain she wouldnt delete T's contact info if/when she had a kid. im pretty sure T wouldnt block Ks number either just bc she became a parent, she also seems to know how nice K is to kids despite not necessarily getting them (see: her gifting a lot of money to her nephew's, like, 4th bday? but i could argue that thats a great gift, just more long term great😭). and what if T gets that kid and eventually calls K for help (more likely for herself and not the kid, but this is besides the point), and then K does help, and then they spend even more time together with this newfound excuse, and they realise how well they function as a family, and then they can finally move in together and be lesbians and be disgustingly in love and live happily ever after??? what then???? anyways, my point is that even if they r in a tiny bit of a divitation i highly doubt it would be due to T wanting a kid. i think its more that they both were afraid during T's break that if they reached out more they would annoy the other one, bc "omg what if she needed a break from me too???" (like. T needed a break from her god. and K needed a break from the person who tethers her to this earth. sure jan. emotionally they do have some challenges, thats certain!). and maybe they need to drift a bit apart to then get back together and be even closer (if that is scientifically even possible). things arent as linear and easy as we would like them to be, and since our perspective is and outside one, im pretty sure that from their pov it seems or at least feels sooooo much more complicated. while i just sit on the floor and go "just date ffs its not that hard!!4!4 look back footage of ur faces while u look at eachother!!! thats all u need!!44!", and we r both right! it is very complicated but it could also be manageable. (what i think might be more painful here is if T has the kid w a partner, bc that seems pretty, uh, *certain*, or unchangable, final? obvi its not ***that*** drastic, but it is a bigger deal. so yeah, but i stand by my op that none of this will happen in the blink of an eye, we'll see as it unfolds ig and hope for smth real nice)

[sylliisimz]

Ghastly Realization

A nameless crime.

An estranged Phantom lingers in Brindleton Bay and lurked into the liminal halls of Bonehilda's Inherited Mansion, which belongs to her late husband.

After being summoned by sorceress Bibi to Cavalier Cove, the vampire mage - Bonehilda was granted the opportunity to be Flesh and Bone once again! With weekly visits to Bibi, becoming much like a client at the end of the exchange, she'd spent years recapturing her youth with Bibi's assistance.

The mother to three was cleaning off the bar to her spacious estate.

a young soul phases through the insulated walls of the house, approaching Nico Rico from behind, Bonehilda's oldest son whose spirit lingers after being buried on the property after a mishap in a domestic dispute with his ex-wife, Mushi Moo, Bibi's daughter.

[N]: "HEY! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

[D]: ''I'M DANYEHL BITCH! I DONE DID THE KNOCKING BUT I FR FELL THROUGH THE DOOR!"

[N]: "Yeah, I still have issues with that myself.."

[D]: "How long have you been like this"

[N]: "Almost a decade."

Danyehl tells her new acquaintance on the other side of the veil what she remembers in her last moments while living.

Later that evening after finding out bits and pieces of the reality his new neighbor was enduring, he went on a stroll and told Danyehl to make herself at home.

[N]: "Well, well, Mushi."

[M]: "...How did you get here?"

[N]: "Did some deep web shopping and found a relic that allows me to travel through soundwaves rather than the color spectrum."

[M]: ''Then how can I see you?"

[N]: "The frequency at which the relic allows me to tap into is vibrating at such a strong rate, a holographic image is probably projecting itself in your reality."

[A]: "Mom? Who's this?"

[N]: "Are you Alfuh?"

[M]: "Yes, this is Alfuh. Alfuh, please go have a seat, Mr.Rico and I have a lot to discuss."

Alfuh takes a seat, passing the stereo on the way to the couch, hearing the sound from the speakers crackle as he walked passed it.

Meanwhile, Mushi's hospitality kicked in, welcoming in her son's father as a means to keep his identity unknown.

After flashing a look in the direction of the spirit, Mushi ushered him to wrap up the situation, and the man's fatherly instincts sank in.

[N]: "Alf, buddy I need to speak with your mother in private, would you mind champ?"

With a confused look, Alfuh turns to his mother who nods in agreement, and the boy gets up to exit the area, shuffling his feet back to his room as it was too chilly to hang out outside.

[M]: "Is everything okay? Why spend so much to see us now?"

[N]: "A woman was killed in Brindleton Bay, Mushi."

[M]: "Okay? Thats not news."

[N]: "IT IS when the dead woman is falling into my house unannounced!"

[M]: "Awh did the big boy get scared?"

[N]: "It's not about me, Mushi, it's about my family."

[M]: "Oh yeah? Family.. look how that worked out for our family.."

The two sit in silence for a moment, and a memory sparks breaking the quiet surrounding them.

[N]: ''I always just wanted the best for us."

[M]: "That's the problem, Nico.."

[M]: "Like the day you woke up yelling at me for being IRResPonSIbLE. You crave control."

[N]: " YOU were GONE all night, Mushi! Not even Al could issue a search for you because you weren't MIA for more than 24 hours. You came home with that evil look on your face too."

[M] "Well yelling about it didn't do us any good did it?"

[N]: "No.. because now I'm talking to you through a radio wave hologram."

[M]: "Exactly, I'm not the one to blame for this. If we never ven LOOKED at that carbon copy of this house in Strangerville I wouldn't have ever caught this vile condition.."

[N]: ''It was 20k cheaper, Mushi.."

[M]: "Money comes and goes, Nico!"

The next morning, Nico Rico meets with his Son and talks to him as a stranger, an old friend of his mother's, to quell the child's curiosity and keep him safe from resentment.

Alfuh listens and chats with the specture, his gut sinking at the thought of his mom's choices in partners.

[A]: "I know you're dead already and all, but if you hurt my moms feelings, you'll be hiding six feet under from me."

The spitfire smiled, and it allowed Nico to exhale a hearty laugh.

[N]: "Noted."

[stepfordgoth]

In this thread: bitching and whining. Poor me!!!

I am actually so angry about my fucking knee hurting. What do you mean I have a fucking MCL injury. What do you mean the most common cause of this injury is a forceful blow to the lateral (outer) side of the knee???? That didn't even happen to me. I was carrying my laptop up a flight of steps yesterday and my knee just started fucking hurting, sudden sharp pain in the medial collateral ligament (inner side of knee cap) and it hasn't stopped hurting for almost 24 hours now. You're telling me that just HAPPENS? WITH NO PROVOCATION????? And it can take MONTHS to heal up????????

I think I'm especially mad because I was JUST getting my gym confidence back after having my fucked up hip tendon from October to January. I was JUST starting to feel like Im making progress at gym again, and not just there to remediate my hip. And for the first two weeks in February, I was sick as a dog and I didn't get back into the gym until this past week. And now I've got this fucked up knee ligament and I have to start all the fuck over finding what works for me at the gym, AGAIN, because of my stupid shitty lower body joint parts. I'm almost positive I didn't hurt my knee at the gym yesterday either, other than some time on the elliptical (WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE GENTLE ON YOUR JOINTS, THATS THE WHOLE REASON I USE IT FOR CARDIO INSTEAD OF THE TREADMILL THAT I LOVE) I didn't do any lower body work. And my knee didn't start hurting until several hours after the gym too.

This is probably the emotions talking but I'm kinda starting to wonder if the gym is actually helping me at all because it seems like I have spent more time sick and/or injured since starting the gym in August than I ever was before I started. I think I posted about this last night but I turned 30 in November and I think I have maybe had a total of 3-4 (nonconsecutive) weeks since then where I haven't been suffering through an injury or a cold or a fucking flare up of my chronic issues*. And goddammit! I gained a pound in the last month! It's not fucking fair!!!!!! (To be fair, I am still down two pounds from my Heaviest Ever Weight that I saw back in September. But its such slow progress and it's extremely frustrating. In late October I was down almost 10 pounds from that Heaviest Ever and I know winter weight is a Real Thing but come the fuck on!!!!! I'm doing my best! I'm doing all the stuff I should be doing!!!!!) Also I'm aware that since starting birth control my tits have literally, honest to God, gotten a little bit bigger but I strongly hesitate to believe that I gained EIGHT FUCKING POUNDS OF TITTY. That can't be true. They definitely haven't grown that much.

*on this note, I have now been on birth control for over a month in attempt to control my chronic issues and I am very excited to report that it's been AWESOME. knocking on wood, I have had zero problems with my chronic issues since starting birth control. And obviously I just said I've gained a little bit of weight but actually I feel like I'm the skinniest I've looked since probably 2021! I can't believe how much bloat my body was holding all the time for so long. My tummy is flat again (albeit with stretch marks now, from being so bloated all the time for so long 😮‍💨) and my face and arms even look slimmer I think. Thank god for that at least. This is why I'm so hopeful that my recent weight gain is just winter weight and it will melt off easily once spring hits and I'm outside a lot again. That usually what happens for me, or it did when I was in my mid-20s (pre chronic illness) anyway.

Keeping my fingers crossed that once again spring will heal me.

[secretdepressionpost]

so i made it. im home. almost 12 hours watching the kids. over 24 hours awake. i want to scream. gf was helpful for the last two hours. i had them from 6 am to 3 pm on my own.

i saw the eldest off to school on the bus, and saw her come back. she was fine. the eldest boy was okay, aside from not wanting to clean up at the end. the youngest boy was absolutely fine, as he is still a baby. the middle boy though. holy shit. unplugged the tv, ran from me when i needed to change his diaper, hung on the curtains when i kept telling him not to, threw a full package of wipes at the back of the babies head, kept jumping on my fathers chair. just awful. i know hes in his "terrible twos" but holy shit.

my mother was supposed to be home at 3:30. only for her to ignore my texts and then tell me at 4:30 that she took my sister to walmart. she wasnt home by the time my father stepped in the house at 4:57. so i spent an extra hour and a half there. and i have to be back tomorrow, though for my regular 4 hours instead of 11.

i want to vomit. i only have had half a bottle of pop, one and a half small cereal bars, and a chobani yogurt. thats it. its 6 pm now. i dont know what ill do. i cant buy any food until mom gives me my payment tomorrow, i dont even know if ill get the full amount. i feel hopeless. the tank says it is low, so gf needs to get gas tomorrow morning when the paltry $93 paycheck from work gets put in.

[valkwriteshealth]

Monday Post

Happy Monday!

I am tired.

The only successful thing I have done today is clean my fish tank. (Added a load of new plants in which was cool but noticed one of my fish's fins are going white so I'm trying not to panic.) It's quite possible I will have to do some painting later but that hangs on how far my sister gets. We're decorating the kitchen. I've offered to buy take away for us all.

I woke up early today, 7am early for me but its the goal time I'm aiming for in the new year as part of my new routine and I AM STRUGGLING.

The writing isn't coming to me either, I'm in that sludge between ending a project and starting another one. It takes me ages to focus on it, visualise it and commit to a way to tackle it. Especially when its a shitty draft 1 that I have to work with.

My lack of energy could also being down to being that point in the month. Which normallu wrecks everything I have planned, want to do and hold dear.

Been looking at new workouts. About half an hour each morning focussing on different areas: Mon-Fri = Arms Chest Legs Abs Back + 10min on bike warm up. Going to go heavy on arms and light on legs, thinking more yoga-ish type exercises there. I'll go the gym the same as I have been, after work for 1.30 hrs every Wed and Thurs.

I want to measure the widths of my arms, thighs, waist and hips because they are where I have the biggest issues with how I look. Bigger arms, littler legs thats the goal.

The main problem is... energy.

I don't have a lot of it. Caffeine and sugar are good and fun but not for your health. Sleep schedules are also something I struggle with. Sleep procrastination is the enemy. But even when I do get a consistent couple nights of good sleep I still feel exhausted. I drag myself around the gym, I can't write after work. All I'm good for is eating and vegging out watching TV and sometimes I'm too tired to even focus on the plot so I put off watching shows I want to watch but nonsense on youtube.

I no longer know the person who could come home from uni and spend the evening solving her coursework problems. I'd spend hours on that shit.

Maybe I need to develop stronger will power? How do I do that.

Research pending.

In other news, Christmas is in two days. I'm spending it at my cousins. Going to have to send out a lot of happy xmas messages this year. I met a lot of new family members from my dad's side two weeks ago, which was a wild time. But Xmas will be spent with my mum's side. Going to be stuck on a table for most of the night I reckon, unless I get gulliver'd by the minions. I won't be drinking either so I'm going to have to find a mental escape elsewhere, but where?Can't write, can't listen to music. I must socialise. I do like party atmospheres, not going to lie but I don't end up doing much at them.

We'll be visiting the cemetery that morning, and I'll have to call my uncle later that night so I'm going to try and not have a mental breakdown like usual. At least it won't be exacerbated with alcohol. I've spent too much time this year being miserable and not knowing exactly why until some time in september when I figured out it was mostly down to prolonged grief. I still don't know how to deal with it exactly but now that I know what it is, I've been getting better at separating my thoughts from it as so not to spiral any more.

The last couple of months have felt easier. I was really excited to be turning 24 but that has ruined it. I shouldnt use the word ruin but it's how I felt initially, this year has been a learning curve on how to deal with my mental health. Here's hoping for the new year!

I really want to eat something now.

[aeternaluminanoctis]

System update??? I guess?????? Does this count as trauma dumping?

Sometimes you get sick to the point that you wake up choking and clutching your chest in pain nightly and that experience makes you split. And sometimes the new alter spawns in with a pod that instructs them what to do... and sometimes they front for the rest of the night after a coughing fit, thinking they are protecting other androids (they think the system is other androids). And Yknow what??? Sometimes you, the host, don't know about this and think that whole situation was just a weird fever dream about a fandom until 14 hrs later when the pod speaks up and suggests you do something and you realize, hey, you DID infact split another caregiver.

And sometimes that happens before you even get to process your recent new protector. So now you've condemned the whole system to watching cringe nostalgia rpgs to cope.

ANYWAY thats how our last 24 hours have been spent! 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠

[thoughtslikeocean]

September 30, 2024 7:51 AM

I just returned from a 2 week trip to Taiwan. It was amazing for so many different ways. Didn't come here to debrief that trip just yet though. I have other things on my mind, I need to process this morning.

I've been dating this guy pretty consistently for the last month. He's very kind, dates well, checks many of my boxes but something is super off with us physically and I cant quite figure out what it is. It hasn't necessarily worried me... meaning I haven't been giving too much energy into overthinking about it. But now, since we spent these last 24 hours together post my trip, i'm like no. Something is off. Normally, Id call Britt or Ash and hash it out with them but I'm going to try something different this time. I'm going to talk to him about it. He has had multiple conversations with me about how he's soooo affectionate and needs someone to be like that with him. That has not been evident when we hang out lol

My gut feeling is telling me that he wants to be and maybe doesn't know how. But thats not something I want to assume.

What is left up to me to decide is that something I'm willing to guide/teach or is that a requirement off jump for me. I was thinking about it a little bit this morning and I think that would depend on how he sees himself. If he truly considers himself to be affectionate and this is what it is for him, then it'll get annoying real quick being told what you're doing isn't enough. However if he says yeaaa I can be a little awkward but id life to work on that and receive your feedback then that could be a lot easier for me to work with.

He mentioned something at dinner last night that was slightly concerning. We were joking about something and he mentioned that he was "almost 40". I always tell him his rounding are very extreme lol but I asked "How do you feel about that? Are you ready to be 40?" He said no. He feels like he hasn't accomplished anything and isn't ready to say i'm 40 and hasn't "done anything".

So this had me thinking, are you really this hard on yourself? You truly believe that about yourself. You've spent 35 years on this planet and feel like you've done nothing? It made me sad for him. I'd like explore that more. I went a tad bit deeper at dinner and asked well what do you feel like you need to scratch off your list and he mentioned he's not married with kids. So maybe it's not as deep as i'm thinking about it. Maybe like most other men, they aspire to have a family to take care of. It's sort of their biggest accomplishment. They are simple in that way (in a good way).

Men are not women. The way they think is so different. What's important to them is so different. And maybe not the what but the how is vastly different. I'm having a hard time understanding how to navigate that. Sometimes I find that the advice i'm giving to a man comes from a place on how a woman would think about it. And it not always entirely helpful for them to look at it that way. And I often find myself sort of trying to feminize a man's way of thinking without realizing it. So I try to sit back, listen more, less talking, trying hard to understand, I often just don't lol

I like R. I do feel like he's showing so much effort and intention. I can't tell if he's holding back and doesn't understand what he's holding lol

Strange. I've never had to deal with this kind of issue before.

I'm used to navigating lying, playing etc. I've had years of practice with that so its become comfortable even though its not whats desired. Now that you're truly wanting something different fro your life, you have to practice having healthy conversations that help progress your relationship. You don't have any practice with it so its uncharted territory and feels uncomfortable. You can do hard things though :)

[iguanasplit]

hey, its the hottest spring, speudo-summer i might say. i am considering retaking journalling just because i have the hunch it would do wonders to my mind. drawing is too doing wonders to my mind, both simultaneously creating and allowing some information, ideas relief.

i am 24, writing to an old voice, from a website i barely touch but that craddled my dreams when i entered college. and now after eons im here, i do come here sometimes to just talk to you like this, but i do still come sometimes, the same way you pop on my mind sometimes, lighthearted, not always good, but always lovingly. so im here. 4:30pm still working hours but im on lunch break. i work home. extra time i waste because my organizing skills have always been bad and i heard it has a name and im not medicating propperly for it, but then again i never have and ive come this far. so once again, track lost and refound, im here. 24, sitting at home working, drenched in sweat because the weather is awful, but in front of me theres my keyboard, my screen and to my side its the box i set up yesterday, my first and very own CPU. its black, tall and the left side has a pannel that allows me to see the fans spin and the silver of the processors resistance. something i always wanted when i was a child. a real gamer cpu, bought with my own money, and something i wasnt expecting. assembled throught my own hands. i know i shouldnt celebrate departures but in this case i cant help but being way too happy. way too giddy. y' know the way my head just gets stuck on things and wont let go till a big dawn. i hadnt realized how much i was missing, (a pity my brain just wouldnt let go) being entirely obsessed with several groups and such. uh yeah. the posters are there and the albums are too, but i dont burn like i did, desperate to know what did the kpop boys i like this round do today. they seem to be busy, thats good but its as good as i care, i dfidnt realize until i left how in most cases it felt like it didnt quite fit.

now im back on games stuff, its like i should have come here before, you know i knew i would have enjoyed it, their approach, this peoples approach to art is much freer, much more experimental and interesting and i could cry on how well it feels, not just to see things i think about appreciated but finding people who seem to be on that same wavelength. not that i dont appreciate the time, not that i dont love dearly everyone the past around 8 years gave me. i am just simply overjoyed in what i find today. i guess in the end everythings a phase, beginning and end entirely important. how i enter and how i end, what i got in the process its whats really important. i feel youd get it. but more importantly, and the most importantly is that their approach to art reignited mine in a way i hadnt seen in years, that nothing, nothing ever came close to do in the past decade since after you passed. maybe bts came close, but that only solidifies a subject above that has to do with themes and experimentation of art. but back on track. many times last year and in the past few years i was considering jsut leaving art, wanted to rip it off me. wanted off so i wouldnt disappoint myself every single time i tried and tried and failed, knowing i could be normal if i let go something i was never gifted and pretending would just burn me all over. the whole process has been like trying desperately to bury a living thing and hoping it stops coming out. every feet of dirt i just kept disappointing me further, i kept wishing i could take it all lightly. i was so close to dropping it, entirely.and well the regret the regret of seeing how much does everyone around me with real art careers were improving so much while i was crunching code on websites, most time spent trying to tell myself i could make it without drawing, maybe that will ease me out on the paper. but it never did it never came easier, it became harder and harder, and most times i wanted off as if it never existed in first place. not that i didnt love it i simply convinced myself it would be pointless to put on an effort and be disappointed in the end by the lackluster results i end up giving. im sorry, no amount of eroding edges and softening remove how jagged my insides are, and sorry no amount of regret can turn back time and hone the skills for all the time i lost being afraid, thats always been my pitfall. im sorry i only wanted to make you a drawing to explain how much your art ever meant to me and i never got the guts to truly put you in paper. you have always been the most tender of souls and my lacking hand couldnt do justice. but i think im back now. what i mean is that im back to trying this for real, with the intention of breaking, the intention of what i desperately said i did but i never did. im breaking the bones and instead of burying it im ransacking the fucking grave i guess. it all starts the same place it ends. im back where i was in highschool when i decided my young naive self that i wanted to tell stories through art, obsessed with games and animated series, and you were there too, beautiful, so i thought, i should tell you, because i tell you everything.

and so im back where i started, so much time lost but no regrets i guess. sorry not for dropping the pencil but for the many many times i lied about it. you will have my worse because thats after all the most that could be given, stupid, and worrysome, and unable to stop making all the mistakes i didnt make when i was young and too busying trying to make a daughter my parents would be proud instead of whatever i am so theres so much to pick up. i am to be build from scratch, so much to do, so much rough, so much lack of skills, and so you will have me in all the mistakes and loose ends i left, the splinter in the wood from everything i tore apart and never propperly cleaned, but its all of me, and theres so much to clean here before we can propperly start anew. i will take care of it. anyway, i build a computer from scratch like i wished when i was 14 and i still have some tasks to do for work today, but after that im all yours so if youll have me.

[nathank77]

5/18/24

9:25 p.m Edited/Added to

I just got home from the hospital. It was nice seeing her. I spent a couple hours there maybe 3. She was mostly sober cause yea she was on oxy. So we had a regular normal conversation which was really nice. She seemed sober. It was really nice. I could see my mother behind her eyes. Something I don't see ever.

She's thinking about trying to apply for fmla so she can go to rehab. Her idea not mine idk what fmla is lol but paid leave. That's all I know. I made sure to bring it up to her nurse and gave her skyes contact cause of the hours. Bc the case manger could potentially get it approved. She came in the er so drunk. They know the right things to say and now is the time to act..

So hopefully she does that. I won't give my hopes up. Cause I get it she needs to get paid and she also will return to her normal habit if she stays at home. It's sad cause she always thinks about quiting drinking when she's spent a few days away from it at the hospital... like she knows she feels better once she stops withdrawing and is more clear headed but she can't quit at home.. which i mean I do get. There is a reason rehabs exist.

I feel better having seen her. I'll go tomorrow after therapy if she doesn't come home. We could have a really good relationship if she stopped drinking that's the saddest part. I love her so much. I hope they can get it approved and I hope she actually goes. I'll visit her all the time.

But I'll expect her to come home and drink herself to death cause yea. She brought up a time when she was sober cause she was out of work... I low key remember but I think she was still drinking just less so I didn't spend time with her. I was with Katie and thats something I resent about Katie is she made me resent my mother more and stay away from her. It's important to me that my partner takes my mother as she is. I get that if she had kids, she couldn't be around the kids. I get things would be a little different but I expect her to take her as she is. And to talk to her and make eye contact with her. Katie wouldn't even make eye contact with her.

Anyways I'm still stressed about sleep... I'm worried I'll struggle.. but hopefully it was just anxiety about not seeing my mom and all those feelings that came up last night about how she could have died. And the fact that I didn't go to see her...

Idk what to do about Mark. Here are my thoughts:

1) I will respect myself more if I don't go cause he didn't accept me for who I was as a person. And I always put everyone else first and disregard my feelings. This isn't to spite Mark. This is me saying. He didn't mean anything to me and I don't need to see a dead body and people crying and I dont need to say good bye I don't want to talk about the, "good times." My dad looked at mark like he was shit. They didn't talk. Of course it's his brother but I mean why do I have to go for you? When he didn't respect my identity? My entire being? Who I am as a person?

I'm not trying to spite anyone. I feel bad he died. I feel bad for him-how he died. And for his family for my father. For everyone who loved him..but I respect myself too much to pretend he meant anything to me beyond I care that another human being suffered...

But then I will put a wall between me and my father.. bc he doesn't want to understand that for one mental pictures are a thing. Negativity is a thing. I need to be in healthy situations. And only deal with something like death if someone I truly care about is dying...

Beyond that it's my identity. Not the fact that I don't work or idk that I'm fiscally liberal or something.

2) I will likely respect myself equally if I go bc- it's the right thing to do for my father. But only for him. It's not the right thing to do for me.

I always put everyone else first. All the time constantly... and for once I don't want to but I don't want to build a wall between me and my father.

So idk what to do cause it's only the right thing for my father not for me.

That's the thing about the right thing.. the right thing isn't always obvious...

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are same."- The Fray All At Once.

The hardest thing and the right thing are the same in this case, putting myself first but it will effect me and my father's relationship.

So idk. All I know is the right thing for me is to not go. The right thing for my father is to go.

I reference that song for a reason bc of that quote. The fray is one of my favorite bands of all time and that qoute struck me when I was a teenager. And it applies to this.

The song below is really important to me:

"Looking for something I've never seen

Alone and I'm in between

The place that I'm from and the place that I'm in

A city I never been

I found a friend or should I say a foe

Said there's a few things you should know

We don't want you to see we come and we go

Here today, gone tomorrow

We're only taking turns

Holding this world

It's how it's always been

When you're older you will understand

If I say who I know it just goes to show

You need me less than I need you

Take it from me we don't give sympathy

You can trust me trust nobody

But I said you and me we don't have honesty

The things we don't want to speak

I'll try to get out but I never will

Traffic is perfectly still

We're only taking turns

Holding this world

It's how it's always been

When you're older you will understand

And then again maybe you don't

And then again maybe you won't

We're only taking turns

We're only taking turns

Holding this world

It's how it's always been

When you're older you will understand"

[im-faelu]

where'd you go????

hi! if you're reading this you're either a stranger that clicker on my profile with a curiosity to sate, a worried friend or aquaintance or somebody who's stalking me (in which case.. why??) i would like to prefrace this with the fact that i͟ a͟m͟ o͟k͟a͟y͟,͟ s͟a͟f͟e͟,͟ a͟n͟d͟ n͟o͟t͟ d͟e͟a͟d͟ o͟r͟ s͟o͟m͟e͟ s͟h͟i͟t͟!͟

ive decided to take a break from using discord in my day to day life, and as such i'm just..putting it down. cold turkey. i feel right now that i dont really have friends or people to consistently talk to and because of that discords become largely uneccesary for me right now. I decided that i wanted to try and focus on personal projects and self-reflection. throughout the 10 days that 2024 has offered i've been largely by myself. waking up, having little chit-chats with aquaintances and friends and not really actually being around people in a way thats meaningful. Being alone and with my own thoughts and not generally having people around to keep myself grounded, in the late-nights spent gaming i had a moment of weakness. I couldn't shake the thought, "What if i died?". Generally i dont usually feed into these thoughts. but it struck me. "How long would it take for anyone in my world to notice?" And i dont like that. I dont like it at all. Thoughts like this are spurred on by my BPD and make me want to rapidly remove myself as a test to others. and I dont like feeling like that. So, why am i leaving if it seemingly looks like that said spur of the moment bout-of rapid removal? Because i want to feel like i am not inside the box. I dont want to feel like i'm doing this because of that feeling, i want to do this because taking myself from any social setting makes that impossible. I want to spend my time and days not having to worry about others, and as it is i'm not generally using discord already, but i feel like removing myself from the platform for a bit makes things better. While im gone im just going to be working on my own personal projects and taking the steps i need to, to be a better and happier person who isn't neccesarily reliant onothers. i feel largely that i do not like the person that i am. So i will be taking my time and carefully putting together who i am and what i'm all about. I feel i lost this aspect of myself in my last serious relationship with my ex, hayden, and with the subsequent decline of my friendship with my friend ana. They are not the core-root of these issues but i feel like these things have obsfuscated my process of being. and for that i need to put the puzzle pieces back together.

WHEN WILL YOU RETURN?

Honestly? Iunno. I want to come back in a months time. but i just wana focus on stuff i want to do, not worry about anyone else but myself for a bit.

WHERE CAN I FIND YOU??

You can find me on other platforms, and games. If we've met and talk you probably know me from a social media (Twitter) platform or a multiplayer game (FFXIV, Roblox).

HELP I DONT HAVE YOU ON EITHER!

On TUESDAYS and FRIDAYS between 2-7, I will be semi-active, but invisible status on Discord. Any other time, and i will not have the Application open nor actively checking for it. Please leave me a message and i will get back to you within 15m of me reading said-messege. If i feel comfortable enough i will lend you my twitter, as it's my main-platform that i use every day. No minors allowed and i tweet absolutely everything i want. w/ little filter. If you've read this to its entirety, congratulations! im happy you care enough to worry about my wellbeing. If you chose to skim parts and not neccesarily care about alot of the stuff ive said in this, i'm a little dissapointed. Why even bother? If you skipped it all, you dissapoint me immensely. or you're a stranger that doesnt care, either way. jump off a microwave. As my closing words i would like to say that for the duration of 1/10/24, for the next few hours i'll be semi-active handing out my twitter user to those who wish. I will be working on myself and my own projects! Till then travelers...

[kurthorton-moving]

quin loml. i just wanna start by saying happy motherfucking birthday. im saying it now cause ur in nz which means your like time traveling and in the future right now. but please let it be known how much i fucking adore you. you deserve nothing but the best always and forever!!

getting to know you over these last what? years? thats insane! we’ve been mutuals for so long i feel like ive known you forever. talking to you will always make my days so much brighter, more than you realize! getting to know you and getting to create with you. those are hours of my life spent in constant joy! i can’t wait to show everyone what we’ve been working on these last few months! you mean the absolute world to me, please never forget that!

p.s ahhhhhh

I waited until exactly midnight to answer this but i actually love you so much. Talking to you daily has been so so good and i cant believe we didnt start talking sooner cause i truly can not imagine not talking to you as much as i do, its such a massive highlight of my day and its wild how well weve connected and how much we flow. The muses we've made together are so good and im so excited to show them to the world sometime within the next 24 hours. I adore you so so much and im so excited for everything we do together