#so that you all might care about Taraka

[whole-wheat-trolls]

Living With Yourself

(Warnings for Intrusive Thoughts. Feel free to message me if I need to tag anything else)

It gets easier.

People just looove to say that, a sentence you’ve been all too prone to hearing from other people and their positions of privilege. The only time its been any comfort is from your own lips, when you remind yourself that whatever you are about to do is for the best. You don’t have the safety net that those others did, but look where it got you, Taraka.

“You left EVERYONE behind? You ABANDONED your friends for THIS?”

It? You? Old You? You haven’t decided what to call it since its return but you haven’t wavered in denying it satisfaction. It thinks you still hate yourself, that it hasn’t gotten easier.

“None of them ever wanted what’s best for me. I like my life here,” you repeat to it. It always goes quiet after that, this little warding mantra has been your best friend these last few days. You’ve been trying direly to not let it lose meaning.

The hot water here doesn’t work well during winter. It’s enough to shower still, if you’re fast, but beyond that it quickly gets unbearable. That bit of solace is lost on you now, a shame but, surely it gets easier.

“Why don’t you boil water and dump it on yourself if you want a hot shower,” the ghost of you talks like a serpent, only when it feels brave enough and has something awful to say.

“I haven’t thought of that, I could get like a foot bath going on the side,” you quickly learned that arguing with yourself is useless. It’s best to let the awful things said glide harmlessly off you, and turn its words against itself.

This doesn’t work for some of the less helpful suggestions, like when it told you to eat glass. You didn’t know how to spin that one nicely, and it made sure to take your silence for complacency. The nagging is incessant but, it will get easier.

When you step out of the shower the room is biting cold, you counter act this with as many complimentary towels as you can justify, wrapping yourself up into the warmest bundle possible. You take the moment to be thankful that this hasn’t been taken from you too.

A hiss starts in your ear, it never rests does it?

You cut in before its had its chance to speak this time.

“Aren’t you tired? We’ve been doing this for days now, and neither of us want to budge. I know you hate yourself. I know you take it out on other people. We used to be the same person, but don’t you see? I’m not worried about the cliques anymore, I’m not worried that I’m not useful enough for them anymore. And... neither are you. You’re just like, well not a figment of imagination but more like a memory. You’re not living in that hell anymore either, so... Aren’t you tired? See the merit in what I’ve made here would you? The dead should have a chance to rest in peace.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

“Why didn’t you leave sooner,” suddenly it accuses you, breaking the silence you began to think was a good sign. “You thought about it for so long, but you didn’t do it. You waited and she died for it, not us, but her. How do you live with yourself?”

“It gets easier,”

[saltywithsarcasm]

This story contains a minor attempting to commit suicide, serious topics of depression and loss of a family member. Please read the tags beforehand.

Nobody can convince me that Aizawa hasn’t had to talk someone down from killing themselves durning his nightly patrol and afterwards it doesn’t set well with him.

The night air is cool and the sounds of the city could be heard faintly below where the girl stood, the wind blew her hair softly as she stares through tears at the busy street below. Choking back a sob, her shoulders shook as she takes a step closer to the edge of the building.

Surely a drop from this height would kill just about anyone, the spot wasn’t popular for it or anything but quite a few people have jumped from where she is standing. The teen wipes the tears from her eyes as all the moments that led her up to this moment replayed in her mind, mother dying in the hospital from be caught up in a villain fight, her absent father neglecting her and the bills because he’s mourning his wife, grades slipping from everything that’s going on and now even her friends were abandoning her too.

She didn’t know what else to do, feeling hopeless and lost, the pain in her chest won’t go away to point she just wants to give up; She has nothing to live for; Just a burden to her family and friends.

She’s never felt so alone, would they even care if she was gone? What would her father say if he woke up the next morning and saw her on the news? Would he even care about his daughter that never paid that much attention to or even was around that much after mom passed away or would he be relieved that he didn’t have to provide for her now?

She clenches her teeth as the stream of tears ran down her face, her head screaming to just take the step forward and be done with it; Would he even miss me?

Her body wracks with tears and the pain inside her chest tightens, going to move forward to end it all.

“Don’t.” She hears, causing her to pause and open her eyes, blinking in confusion and causes more tears to fall. The girls slowly turns to look over her shoulder to see a man dressed all in black with a scarf around his neck and unruly hair. “You don’t want to do this. Slowly step away from the ledge, okay?”

She stares at him for a couple of seconds, wondering how this man even happen to come across her, she didn’t even hear the door to the roof open.

The girl doesn’t move or says a word, just staring at the man who slowly walks over to her like he’s trying to approach a skittish animal.

“Listen, I don’t know what you’re going through but this isn’t the way to deal with it.” He says with a calm voice, holding his hand out to her, wanting her to take it but she doesn’t budge. “Things...might be tough right now but it’s not going to always be this way.”

When she doesn’t respond he slowly comes to a stop a few feet away from her but keeps his hand out towards her.

“What’s your name?” He asks and she is sort of taken aback, for a moment she hesitates but answers with a shaky voice.

“Taraka...Kohei...” Her voice trembles and she holds her hands up against her chest defensively, glancing down towards the street below again, watching people walk by without a single clue in the world.

“Kohei, killing yourself isn’t going to make things better. Your family-“

“My family doesn’t care about me, only family that did, died.” She lashes out in anger, feeling her cheeks flush and her eyes burn with more tears. “Neither do my friends, They’ve all left me alone when I really needed them!”

“If you jump, you’ll die and there’s no taking that back.” He says, trying to reason with her. “There’s people who care about you; Look at me.”

She slowly turns to look at him, shallowing the lump in her aching throat.

“There’s people who can and want to help you, let me help you, alright?” He says, stepping closer but stops when it looks like she’s going to take a step back. “Come over here to me and we can figure this out.”

“I don’t want help, I just want the pain to stop.” She sobs, lips twisting into a frown and shakes her head. “Nobody wants to help me, nobody cares...”

She feels like crying again and her fingers curl up into fists.

“I won’t say I understand the pain you’re feeling right now but I want to help you.” The man says, standing still with his eyes focused on her. “You’re not thinking logically, you’re letting your emotions get the better of you; If you do this, you will regret it.”

“I won’t feel regret if I’m gone.” She says softly, so casually and steps back of the ledge; Everything else after that happened so fast.

One moment she‘s falling through the air, feeling the wind through her hair as tears flew off her face; The next, she was hanging up high with something around her body, preventing her from falling any further. The confused girl blinks at the panicked crowd below, looking up at her as they cried out in horror.

She turns her head to see the same scarf that man had around his neck is what’s keeping her from falling to her death.

The girl goes limp, breaking down and sobbing as the people below called for the police to come to the scene, unaware that the hero above her has a stern but horrified look on his own face.

Yamada looks away from his test papers and turns his head to look towards the front door when he hears Aizawa come in, still taking his shoes off at the door and smiles to greet him when he see the look on his husband’s face., looking sullen with red puffy eyes.

“You’re...home early.” Yamada says, watching the man walk around the couch and gives him a look when the other man takes his papers out of his hands to set them on the floor before laying down on top of him, wrapping his arms around his slender waist and buries his face into the blonde’s stomach. “You alright, Sho?”

“Rough night.” Was all Aizawa says, turning his head towards the back of the couch as Yamada pats the top of his head. A shake in the man’s breathing makes him worried but knows to not press the matter until he’s ready; Something awful must have happened durning patrol tonight to have raddled him this bad.

“You don’t have to talk to me about it right now.” Yamada telling him, rubbing his back and wraps his other arm around his waist. “But I’m right here if you need me.”

“...Thank you, Zashi.” Aizawa says against his shirt, hugging the blonde tightly. The two stay like that for a little bit, holding each other tight as Yamada rubs his back comfortingly.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, available 24 hrs a day. 1-800-273-8255

[buffster]

Ted (BTVS 2.11)

This is part of my ongoing Buffy Project, where I write notes/meta for every episode in an attempt to better understand the characters and themes of the show. You can find the full list here. Gifs are not mine.

Ted stands out as one of the masterfully told high-school-as-horror episodes. If you’re a child of two loving, committed parents you might find this episode boring or just creepy. But if you’re (like me) the child of a single mother who’s brought a Ted-ish home, this was an amazing episode. The experience of dealing with a new potential father-figure personified into a serial killing robot was just…awesome.

Buffy doesn’t exactly meet Ted under the best of circumstances. She walks in on him kissing her mom. Ted instantly bonds with Willow and Xander (offering to give Willow brand new computer software and feeding Xander) while her mom explains she met him when he updated her computers at work. He is charming and says all the right things about caring for Joyce and wanting Buffy to be okay with it. But as the episode continues he darkens.

Willow and Xander don’t miss that Buffy immediately wants to dislike Ted. They mention Sigmund Freud: separation anxiety, the mother being taken away, conflict with the father figure…the last Buffy promptly rejects. Buffy turns out to be right about his being supernatural, but it would have been interesting to see her deal with a man she just didn’t like.

Jenny and Giles make up in this episode. At first Giles goes to check on her and she asks for space, saying he makes her feel bad for not feeling better. But she feels guilty for hurting his feelings and goes to apologize. They are then attacked by vampires. She accidentally shoots Giles with a crossbow and the whole experience seems to shake her out of her trauma. Xander and Cordelia are still making out but she wants it to remain secret.

Angel’s sources (who are Angel’s sources?) say the Order of Taraka’s hit on Buffy is out. So that plot is over for good. Apparently Angel can contact his sources while resting at his place and being cared for by Buffy. Angel tries to get her to see that loneliness is awful and asks if she’d be happy with any man that her mother brought home. Buffy instinctively says “My dad?” but knows that isn’t going to happen. I liked the realistic childishness of that moment. She can’t help but desire the return of her typical nuclear family.

When Ted asks to take Willow, Xander, Buffy, and Joyce out to play miniature golf we see the first signs of his intrusiveness. He comments that Buffy’s grades “should be picking up soon” and intervenes when Joyce tries to allow Buffy to cheat at golf. His controlling nature and intercepting of Buffy and Joyce’s regular patterns is every child-of-a-single-parent’s fear. We don’t want things to change. 

There are also nods to abused children within the episode. Ted asks if Buffy wants him to slap that smart ass mouth of hers in private and then turns on his fake smile for Joyce. When Buffy later tries to tell her mother she isn’t believed. I liked how instantaneously Ted and Joyce became a unit and Buffy went from child/friend to just child. That was my experience when my mother dated seriously. Also, Joyce feels she needs someone a bit tougher to back her up because she’s not making much progress with Buffy’s behavioral problems.

Buffy is creeped out enough (and wants him out of the picture enough) to spy on him at his office. She finds a photo of Joyce where Buffy has been folded out of frame on his desk, confirming her worst fears (that the new man will shove Buffy out of the picture). After Ted mentions the possibility of getting engaged at dinner, Buffy sneaks out to slay and work through her feelings. When she returns Ted is waiting in her bedroom in perhaps the creepiest moment of the episode. He’s gone through her things and tries to blackmail her into keeping quiet so he can have his happiness with Joyce. He says he will have her put in a mental institution for believing she’s the Slayer. When she won’t let him leave, he hits her.

Buffy: I was so hoping you’d do that.

When Buffy gets to beat him up I wanted to cheer. It was a great moment because he wanted to take advantage of her vulnerability and she got to kick ass. Who hasn’t wished they had the power to fight authority when made helpless? When Buffy tries to explain what happened to the police after “killing” Ted, they don’t believe her because she doesn’t have any marks on her. Joyce doesn’t rush to comfort Buffy and sends her to her room. I know she was hurting, but I would have liked to see some selfless parenting here.

I want to talk about Faith/Buffy for a second. We very nearly got to see Buffy go through what Faith does this episode. She’s walking around in a daze, wracked by guilt over killing a human with her slayer powers. She accepts responsibility and says “she had no right to hit him like that”. Faith has trouble doing that, but I think the reason is that Buffy trusts the love of her mother and her friends. Faith doesn’t trust that she will be forgiven and accepted. Cordelia brings up what Faith does in season three and asks if there should be different rules for Buffy because she’s the Slayer. Willow says sure, in a fascist society.

Ted reappears and knocks Buffy out. He then goes downstairs to see Joyce and says “Daddy’s here”. Why was she not instantly creeped out? He goes full-on nightmare boyfriend and yells at Joyce for thinking of Buffy and says he doesn’t take orders from women. Ew. Buffy saves Joyce from being kidnapped and finally kills Ted. Afterwards his story is revealed: he was dying and his wife left him, so he built a robot Ted and kidnapped/killed her. The robot Ted continued to bring similar looking women home and repeated the process. One thing I wasn’t clear on: did original Ted intend to kidnap random women or did the robot just continue to do that on it’s own?

The episode ends with things going back to normal for Joyce and Buffy. They plan a man-free evening watching movies. Willow keeps some of the robot parts from Ted’s place. She is fascinated by the genius even as she’s horrified by the man. When questioned she says she “just wants to learn stuff”. Willow has some trouble with the “just because you can doesn’t mean you should” concept. It would have been cool if Warren somehow got the parts from Willow and that’s how he learned to build robots.

Character Notes:

Buffy Summers: When frustrated with Ted, Buffy seeks out vampires. They are her outlet.

Xander Harris: Despite initially liking Ted, Xander is instantly loyal to Buffy and says they have to prove he’s bad to help Buffy out.

Cordelia Chase: Cordelia has a different perspective that helps the Scoobies out. She notices a rug doesn’t go with the decor and that reveals a trap door in Ted’s house.

Dawn Summers: This was an episode that made me think about Dawn’s place in the new memories. Was Ted nice to her? Was she just as taken with him as the Scoobies? Buffy would have been so protective of Dawn in this scenario.

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

tarak,

lets not beat around the bush, i miss you. like alot.

im not even going to get into what are the things that keep reminding me of th time we had, because thatd be me listing out my every minute of the day. yes, there are times when i remember you not for the good-reasons, but mostly i end up wanting to think of you instead of living in such a denial of ‘im over you’.

i know you must be going through alot, im not trying to compare us here, on who is feeling it more deeply, quality and quantity- how much ever of a utilitarian i claim to be, i want to be stupidly selfish enough to say i feel it hit me very hard. especially when i see people around me claim their relationships to be like the epitome of perfection and love, i just cant help but think of the beautiful masterpiece we could have made together. 

they say ‘chaos brings art’., that, time will tell. until then, ill just sit around and feel things like how its supposed to be.

i hope its not that hard on you.whom am i kidding, how much ever i convince myself that you will get over me, by pouring alot of ‘hate’ like how your friends wanted you to, im still silly enough to hope that you wouldnt be that harsh on me. gosh, this is never going to happen is it? im only going to die in dissapointment of letting things go this far, and getting nothing in return(when i now have the chance) or do i?

i know you, i know the charm, i know how you effect people, and how much ever stupid and goofy you get around me, i know what you are- or atleast i knew. why did we let things go this recklessly? i was immature, but why dint we sort things out then and there. gosh, i just cant look at the word jodhpur without a little guilt., i cannot look at any word starting with a T, and has both R and K. 

do you have any idea how many songs have the word tara, taraka, in them? its like some stupid prank someone is pulling on me. my mom also began to ask me how youre doing, she out of everyone, made an assumption that my mood is practically proportional to my time on my phone and phone calls, which basically is only with you. so she goes like “oh, tarak dint call today” after few days, she began to wonder if things were fine with you, and i burst out angrily, that ‘you should be fine because youre avoiding me’. please be true! anyway, i dont care where this questioning is coming from, but i reasoned out how this equation of my good moods being equated with our calls, was a little irring in the beginning, because i dont think i need some ONE person to keep me happy. it was a troubling thought which i used to hold a grudge on myself for depending on you for what ever greedy reasons. but i began to realise how first, that wasnt the case. i wsnt greedy on this reason, i was just looking for a support and a person to share my happiness with. i was greedy maybe when it came to things like, eventhough i knew it was hard for you, i was still there poking things and making it harder for you. TO THE EXTENT THAT YOU NOW BLOCKED ME. WOW. im not blaming you, maybe you did the right thing. maybe if you dint do that, we could have pulled each others hair out in this menace. but did we really do the right thing if i am feeling this way right now? whats the point tarak?

its 10:10 right now. wow. 

honestly, there are times when i thank myself for this space, because i really enjoy doing things for myself, but by the end of the day, i really hoped that youd call or email, so that i could tell you about all the amazing things i read, watched, discovered and i desperately want to share them with you, but i cant!

i got back to my bubble, my day basically revolves around reading and arranging my library. i still hold heidi close to myself when i sleep every night. i really regret not finishing it for you. but i dont know how much meaning she hold to you anyway. shes my world, she is the first thing i was obsessed with, and i thought she’d bring you similar joy, but now we never know i guess.

ive been doing philosophy for NET, although i havent started in serious mode, illl get there soon. i applied for an internship navdhanya, and have made plans of what to do with life., quite roughly. i even made a bucket list, of things i should try, filled with things that fascinate me. sample, fireflies. i never saw them in real life. and now i feel bad just by that thought. but yeah, i was pretty serious wheni made that list, and i keep adding things into it every now and then. i dont know why i mentioned this now, but i felt like it. ohh, since im updating about life, i should mention how i spoke to dad(basically, a mail) about most of the things i could never say to him, mostly stressing on how now i should be left unbothered. 

since i couldnt give rockstar another chance, sorry boss, the thought of having to go through that actress’ bad acting for three hours was itself torturous., i found the screenplay/script of the movie., and let me tell you how good i felt after reading it. i had better actors in my mind, and i dreamt about it for a couple of nights. it was a rollercoaster. i think screenplays do that to you. its like reading the book instead of watching the movie, but rockstar has to do with the songs, and since i had a clue about them, i can justify now. and i think i understand you better now, but i dont know, my timing of watching the movie is like another satire. not just this one, many more. gosh, i have like an entire saga of things i could use to cry over to. the other day, i cried while reading tagore poetry, although that was a worthy reason, its crazy how i dont know what little thing could be a trigger.

but how much ever i might try to romanticize all of this, tarak, i really think apart from the happy and goofy times we spent, which dont actually matter as much if we look back(except for nostagia purposes) id say we both needed a better versions, and both of us seperately too needed to be honest with what we are.. not just in showing the other person. im talking about myself mostly. and, for what ever we had, id hate to call it, but because of the lack of a better word, lets admit, we were toxic. and i have to say, how much ever you tried to get over your ego and wanted to be a feminist, looking back at minute details of the interactions we had, plus from the ones you talk about to others, i realised how often there were times when you basically preached something and failed to follow. im slightly ashamed to admit this, but i have gone through a phase of man-hating when i realised the things i have seen around,  thats basically when i realised how these could be the things you failed to see, (and prolly reasoned out for good enough reasons) but somewhere deep inside, i know its not so.like i read it in some book, (which bt the way, i should say felt like i was reading line by line about you) because it talks about how men who seem woke, but still choose to do the same thing, although for different reasons(or so they claim) is another result of the system. and i just cringed at this thought. because im sorry, but i felt it multiple times in our stay together. 

tarak, honestly how much ever im loving reading and researching, im afraid im getting very theoretical. now i cannot stop myself from pin pointing mistakes in everything, and am clearly missing out the beauty in things. if i learned one thing, love is for people who want to give up reason. if you are too calculated and stubborn, you can never love. im not saying im getting calculated and all brains-no-heart, but im slanting that way, and im just afraid i might never find redemption because i like this more. id choose this over love. for now. im sure time will prove me different, but let me tell you how much i value reading and art.

i guess we never spoke about this, why did we not? 

you know the whole ‘books are my bestfriends’? this is literally my life summarized. in my entire time at indus, i basically spent most of the time in the library, or in the washroom- where i used to sneak in, to bunk science classes. i had a reading tree also. under which i used to read in the sports period. prajeeth was a science guy, and the labs were right opposite to the library, so he used to keep a check on me, i often got late to catch my evening bus, so he’d make sure i dint. not to forget the music room. that was another room i spent some quality time in. while the library was in the first floor of the new building, the music room was in a circular room, on the terranc. the whole terrace was for music and art. we had a lot of empty open area where we were given assignments in. i love that place. id want to take you there one day, if, you know... 

so as i was saying, i just prefer reading and listening over anything. at this point, it feels like i know nothing apart from these both. i know you wouldnt agree with me being a good listener, but i know me, and i know im good.

well, now about us, i dont know. i really dont. i may say id be happy if you move on, and find yourself a woman, but i dont know if i can say it at this point, when im clearly meaning it. so, i can only hope for you to become a stronger person, collecting yourself from all of the past. and if you’re moving on, good for you., but id like to take my own sweet time with my memories of you,us, and laugh cry cringe all at once slowly. im not sating im attempting to get over you, because somehow that is making me think about you even more, and its actually making me want you for a whole different list of reasons. ill stick to this natural flow, and ill see you when i see you, years from now, or maybe more. somehow in the midst of some really stupid portions, there are some things you set a high limit in, for men to fill in- who might enter my life. so its going to be a big deal if i commit to someone tarak, and id still want to share about it with you, i dont know if that comes out from mere friendship or more, but i dont mind either ways.

i want to say this one last thing, because ive been wanting to say it for a long time, after the phone call.

it might be years later that we meet,and finally talk, when ever it is, how ever long it has been, if you turned out a good man, not just rational and responsible but realist and a romantic., id love for me to fall for you all over again, or maybe fall correctly* this time, until then ill wait.

 i want to wait. 

that’s me. there are surely many more things i want to say, but i will wait, like i said, and its not like youre going to read this, so its fine. ill look forward for what is coming, i hope you are healthy and are fine (at the least). i miss akbar, i hope aunty is not having a hard time seeing you break down anymore, i hope thats not the case, dont cry tarak! did you stop smoking? i was thinking about it on the 26th, i hope youre sticking to your resolution. i miss the smell of it, i sometimes open my specs-case to smell it, and it reminds me alot of you and red rum. its amazing. i miss it all, i miss you guys alot, i miss you babu. take care. 

xo

raaga.