#so tattooless.. for some reason

[quakgrass]

[image description: a digital painting of sloane “the raven” from the adventure zone from the ankles up on a white background. she is indigenous from the pacific northwest coast with dark brown skin and unnatural glowing blue eyes. she is wearing a large red blanket as a shawl and she is cradling a formlines raven mask in her arms.]

[hazzasgayvodka]

19 * WAITING FOR A GIRL * 19

Impact: Chapter 9

Chapter title song: Waiting For a Girl Like You - Foreigner 

HARRY

I wake up to the light coming through the curtains and squint my eyes against the sun. I look down to see her red hair splayed across my chest, her cheek squished against my chest and her arms wrapped around me. I know that I could lean down and kiss her right now and the thought makes my head feel like exploding. I knew from the minute I saw her that I wanted her but from the minute I kissed her, I needed her. I want to get up and make her breakfast, but I remember my promise to her last night and stay right where I am.

I run my fingers through her hair and she stirs in her sleep, nearly punching me in the face as she stretches and yawns. Her eyes flutter open and land on me, her mouth tugging into a smile.

"Morning." She grins.

"Hello, gorgeous." I smile back at her, tucking her hair behind her ear.

She blushes instantly, her entire face turning red as she hides away from me, burying her pink cheeks in my chest. I laugh and sit up, taking her with me and tossing the blankets off of us.

"Harry!" She whines, already shivering and grasping at the covers.

I pick her up in my arms despite her squealing and she thrashes around as I toss her over my shoulder. She lightly pounds her fists against my bare back, but I carry her all the way to the bathroom before setting her down in front of the counter.

She rolls her eyes at me and grabs her toothbrush as she shoves her feet in her slippers. I start the shower and grab a towel from the closet before grabbing my own toothbrush and joining her in front of the sink. I purposefully nudge my elbow into her as I brush my teeth, making her glare at me. She rinses her mouth out and I lean down, pressing my toothpaste covered lips to her cheek.

"Oh my god!" She shrieks, pulling away and wiping the toothpaste off her cheek hastily.

Her eyes meet mine and I can't help but laugh, spitting the rest of my toothpaste into the sink and rinsing out my own mouth. She's still glaring at me when I stand back up, so I grab her face and press her mouth to mine. She's still glaring at me when I pull away, but her façade finally cracks into a smile despite her punching me in the arm.

"What are the plans today, babe?" I ask, shoving my boxers down my legs and stepping into the shower.

I can feel her judgmental glare through the shower curtain as I soak my hair under the shower head. I peak my head out of the shower to see her shaking her head as she plugs her straightener in and picks my boxers up off the floor.

"Library? I have a psychology exam that I could use some studying for." She says, running the straightener over her hair.

"Oh, don't bother with that shit, your hair looks fine." I groan, rubbing shampoo into my own hair.

She sighs like she always does and gets to washing her face from last nights makeup. I duck back into the shower and rinse my head before grabbing the loofa and washing myself down after sweating my ass off last night in the club. It feels like weeks ago that I was flirting with Lynnette at the bar, not hours.

I shut off the water and grab my towel, rubbing it over my head vigorously before wrapping it around my waist and stepping out onto the rug beside her. She turns to look at me and tries her best to mask her surprise at me being shirtless. I watch as her eyes take in my chest and shoulders and the tattoos covering them. She's always been the worst at blatant staring.

"Eyes are up here, Lawson." I smirk, snapping her from her daze and causing the glaring to continue.

She follows me back into my room, her straightener forgotten as I get dressed into a pair of boxers and sweatpants. She tries to avert her eyes, but I can feel them on me as she twists her hair into a ponytail and I slide my glasses onto the bridge of my nose.

I turn around to meet her eyes and she sucks in a breath, hiding her face as she walks out to the kitchen without so much as a word. I follow her and come face to face with Niall sat on a barstool with a bowl of cereal and cage fighting on the TV. I pass behind her to pour myself a cup of coffee and have to resist from kissing her grinning face when I realize that Niall has no idea what's going on.

"Oh my god, my straightener!" She gasps, dropping the box of fruit loops and rushing past me, "I'm gonna go finish getting ready and then we can go to the library or something."

She kisses my cheek as she wiggles past and shuffles to the bathroom, shutting the door behind herself. I look up from my cup of coffee to see Niall's mouth gaping. He looks between me and the bathroom door and then to my bare chest and I can tell he's more than confused.

"Alright, we've got at least twenty minutes, let me fill you in." I laugh.

JESS

I close the bathroom door behind myself and let out a breath, bringing my hands to my cheeks. My entire face is a thousand degrees when I realize I just kissed Harry right in front of Niall. Something about him walking around shirtless now has my mind in a frenzy. I always wondered why he was so conscious of being shirtless around me and now that I know why, I feel terrible for accusing him of so many other reasons.

Before seeing his chest and back, I never would have guessed that he's as built as he is. His shoulders are broad, and his back has more muscles than I can count. My hand fits perfectly in the space between his shoulder blades and his back is the only tattooless space on his body other than his face and neck. If it were up to me, we would have stayed in bed all day today while I traced the lines of his newfound tattoos. A caged bird on his side, a cross in the center of his chest, and words in Arabic across his ribcage. I want to ask him about them, all of them, I want to know the meaning of each and every sketch of ink on his skin.

I finish straightening my hair just as a knock sounds at the door and his voice calls my name on the other side, dragging me from my thoughts.

"You ready to go?" He asks.

"Yeah," I sigh, shoving the door open to meet his smiling face, "Let me just grab my purse."

He follows me to his room to grab my bag and closes the door behind himself. I turn back around ready to go but he's sitting on his unmade bed.

"Can we...talk about last night?" He asks carefully.

"Maybe," I say, taking a seat next to him, "What about last night?"

"What happened, what did he," He sighs, tearing his eyes away from me to stare at his hands in his lap, "What did he do, dollface?"

My throat wants to close up when I hear the words come from his mouth. Suddenly my mind is hurtling back to last night and all I can picture is Jace's hands around my arms, holding me against the wall. He realizes I've gone back to it and all of a sudden, he's holding me in his arms again.

"I just don't understand how he could, how he could do this." He stutters, his eyes flickering between me and my arms.

"Well he did." I say simply, not allowing myself to sink back into it again.

"What did he-"

"I don't want to talk about it." I say seriously, standing from the bed and hoping that he drops it.

I feel myself sinking again and I can't allow myself to. This morning has been too perfect, I don't want it ruined. Everything is perfect besides the words pouring from his lips and the angry look in his eye.

"I need to know-"

"No, you don't Harry," I huff, pulling away from his reaching hands, "You don't need to know."

"Jess, you're covered in bruises, I just want to make sure-"

"Stop making this about you!" I shout, surprising myself as tears form in the corners of my eyes.

He doesn't know what happened and he doesn't need to. He doesn't need to know that my long time best friend held me down and kissed me and nearly shoved me onto my own bed. I know that he'd go ballistic if he were to know, he knocked Jackson out for just talking about sleeping with me, let alone actually trying to.

I hate the look of pity in his eyes when I finally turn back around to look at him. I don't know what he wants from me. Does he just want me to let him hold me again so he can feel big and bad and protective. He should know by now that that's not how this goes, that's not me.

"What do you want from me? Why do you need to know? Do you want me to cry in your arms again and let you be my savior? My knight in shining armor? You want me to tell you about how he held me down and forced himself on me, so you feel justified in beating him to a pulp last night?" I shout, my anger escalating the longer I look at his sorry face.

"He forced himself on you?" He asks through grit teeth, standing from the bed.

"No Harry, he held me down because I didn't want to watch a movie with him," I groan sarcastically, rolling my eyes, "Yes he forced himself on me! He shoved his hand down my pants and dug his nails into my skin! Is that what you wanted to hear?"

I'm hysterical again. My breath is coming out in heaves as I shove him away from me and tears pour down my cheeks. I can't believe him, why did I think for two seconds that he actually cared about me and it wasn't just his stupid temper that made him do what he did last night. He grabs at me as I push the door open, but I shrug him off and grab my keys off the counter.

"Jess, where are you going?" He calls after me, reaching for my arm.

"Anywhere but here." I huff, shoving him away.

I watch his face fall as I grab my own jacket and throw it over my shoulders. I hate the solemn look on his face, he feels sorry for me. What does he have to be sorry for? It makes me feel disgusting, like I'm broken or something. He's being careful with me as if I'll shatter if he says the wrong thing. I just wish he'd be the same as he was instead of insisting that he know what happened, I wish he'd call me dollface and tease me about my makeup and wearing a jacket.

HARRY

I watch her walk out the door despite wanting to follow her because I know she needs time to cool off. I'm just trying to be a good friend. I want to know what happened, so I can make sure that it never happens again. I hear a door close behind me and turn around to see Niall emerging from the laundry room.

"You are such a dick sometimes, Harry." He says, walking over to the sink to wash up the cereal bowls from breakfast.

"I'm not being a dick, I'm trying to help."

"But if she says she doesn't want to talk about it and you keep talking about it, you're being a jerk," He says seriously, "Think about it, if something like that happened to you would you want someone questioning everything as soon as you wake up the next morning?"

I narrow my eyes at him and lean on my elbows on the counter. He shrugs and turns back to the sink to finish the dishes and suddenly I feel like an idiot. What was I thinking? All I kept reminding myself of last night was to give her space and let her talk about it when she's ready. Why do I want to know anyway? Why do I care? She's mine now, not his, and I won't ever let anything like that happen ever again.

"Fucking hell, Niall, you're right." I huff, standing from the counter and he turns to look at me expectantly.

"I know I am," He laughs, "Now go find her and take her on a drive or something cute and sappy and apologize for being an ass."

I roll my eyes at him despite him being right and run back to my room to grab my jacket. What am I going to do? How am I going to find her? I have no idea where she is. I catch sight of my computer on the chair in the corner as I'm about to walk out of my room and an idea sparks in my mind.

I collapse into the chair with my computer on my lap and open it up to see the music playlist still open. I scan over the titles, all of the classics with a few new age hits thrown in. A huge conglomerate of music for her and I to listen to while we drive or sit parked on the hood of my car in my favorite place. I made the playlist a while ago but never brought myself to burn it onto a disc, until now.

I lean forward and grab a blank CD from the stack on my bookshelf, sliding it into the drive on the side of my computer. It starts burning and I start searching high and low for a CD jacket to keep it in until I can give it to her.

Just as it's finishing up, I call Sam to start my hunt for where she could possibly be. She picks up on what feels like the thousandth ring and her voice sounds like she's shouting from speakerphone.

"What do you want, Harry?"

"Jess, have you seen her?" I ask hopefully, for once feeling delighted in the fact that she sounds mad at me, maybe she talked to Jess this morning.

"Yeah, I just got done having coffee with her, apparently you're being an ass this morning." She says matter-of-factly, and I can hear the smug smile in her voice.

"Yeah, whatever, did she say where she's going? Is she coming back here now?"

"No, she said something about the library, she has an exam or-"

"Revising for her psychology exam, that's right, thanks Sam." I grin, hanging up before she can speak again and darting to the door with the CD gripped tightly in my hand.

"So, what's the grand gesture?" Niall laughs.

"A CD, for the car, I'm gonna take her for a drive and apologize a shit ton." I smile, grabbing my keys and heading for the door.

He smiles as I head out the door and nearly jog to the mustang Louis parked back in the driveway. It's stupid how much I want to see her face after only a few hours. I start the car and check my pockets three times while I'm driving to make sure that the CD is still there.

When the library is finally in view my stomach is turning itself inside out. What if she's still pissed? What if I fuck up and say the wrong thing again? I rehearse my apology in my head over and over and promise myself that I won't just kiss her as soon as I see her.

I get out of the car and walk up to the front doors. I should have gotten her flowers; all girls love flowers. Or chocolate, dammit, I should have gotten her chocolate. I see her across the landscape of the library. She's sat at a wooden table with three textbooks in front of her, one earbud in her ear and a pencil behind her ear. She's so beautiful, reading through the lines in the textbook with her finger, her now straightened hair falling into her face before she tucks it behind her ear.

I'm about to walk right up to her when he appears out of thin air it seems and falls into the seat beside her. What is he doing here? Why would she come here with him? She's laughing and smiling and reading right over his shoulder and it makes me sick.

I back up towards the entrance, I need to get out of here before I make things worse because I can feel my blood boiling and every fiber of my being wants to punch his face in. I can't take my eyes off of her and back straight into a book cart, smacking it into the bookshelf behind me. Her head turns to face the noise and her surprised eyes meet mine. I can tell she wasn't expecting me to be here, this isn't what I do, follow girls to apologize when I fuck up.

"Harry?" She says, standing from the table carefully to gauge my reaction of seeing her with Miles after everything.

"Yeah, it's me." I huff, wishing I could get out of here already.

"What are you doing here?" She asks, not daring to meet my eyes.

"I came to apologize, for being a dick, but it seems my actions were entirely justifiable." I snap, my words coming out without a filter.

"Harry, we're studying for my psychology exam-"

"Yeah, I'm sure, I always study for exams with my ex-girlfriends when me and my current girlfriend get in a fight." I laugh sarcastically.

He steps in now, wrapping an arm around Jess and making me feel sick. He's glaring at me, probably wondering what right I have to come in here and fuck up their day, but he doesn't know the half of it.

"Harry, what are you talking about?" He says, looking between me and Jess.

I turn to look at her and I see her face fall. She won't meet my eyes and I know instantly, he has no idea. I'm waiting for her to give me a pleading look, to beg me not to tell him but she knows me too well, she knows I won't keep this to myself.

"She hasn't told you, has she?" I ask, the words falling past my malicious lips before I can catch them.

He's worried now, glancing between us in confusion. She finally looks up at me and I can see the defeat in her face. I should do it, I should tell him everything because it will hurt them both, two people who have put me through the ringer and ruined my life in different ways. But I can't, my throat won't work, nothing will let me purposefully hurt her no matter how much my jealous heart wants me to.

I can feel myself going on autopilot as I turn back around and face the entrance. The CD jacket is heavy in my pocket all of a sudden, a reminder of everything I want to forget. I pull it out of my pocket as I start to walk away, turning it over in my hands and punishing myself as I finally face them again, staring at her wrapped in his fucking arms.

"Hey, I burned you a CD by the way," I smirk, sending her a wink before tossing it on the ground in front of me and crushing it beneath my foot, "Hope you like it."

JESS

I stare at the white envelope on the ground as he walks away. I can't get the image of his face out of my mind, the way it fell when he realized I hadn't told Miles. I want to tell him, but I don't know if I can. He's done nothing to me, he's been anything but deserving of my actions against him. I don't know how I can look him in the eye and tell him that I kissed Harry, that I love kissing Harry, that every time I've kissed him, I've pulled away wishing his eyes were green and his hair touched his shoulders.

Watching Harry walk away has my stomach in knots. Something about the way he can flip the switch and throw on that stupid smirk and wink at me like it's nothing makes me feel sick. I break away from Miles' arms and grab the envelope, turning it over in my hands and tracing my fingers over his name scribbled in his messy handwriting.

Harry

"Jess, come on-"

"I kissed him." I say, cutting him off.

I look up to meet his eyes, the CD still gripped tightly in my hands. He's surprised, his eyes wide and his mouth unmoving.

"You what?"

"I kissed him," I say again, less confidently this time, "Harry, I kissed Harry."

He brings a hand to his face, holding his head in his hands and I wish I could just stuff it all back in my mouth and pretend none of this happened. I never wanted to hurt him but keeping it from him would end up hurting him even more in the long run. I say I'm sorry a hundred times and reach my arms around him, but he holds me at a distance and shushes my apologies.

"Do you want him? To be with him?" He asks finally, making me look at him instead of my shoes.

"I-I don't know-"

"Well why don't you call me when you figure it out." He sighs, pushing past me and walking towards the exit.

I want to grab him and pull him to me and apologize a thousand times, but I know none of that would make any of this better. I ruined the chance of any of this being better when I gave into those green eyes and kissed him. I watch him walk out the door, smiling at the lady at the front despite the pain he's in. It kills me to see him walking with his shoulders hunched but the worst part of it all is that after everything I still want to go back. I want to drive home and let Harry hold me in his arms and kiss his face and trace the lines of his tattoos.

The sudden buzz of my phone in my pocket startles me and I take it out to see a text from Miles. I brace myself as I open it, nearly holding my breath as I collapse back in front of the wooden table.

I'm alright. I'll see you in class. Now go get him before he terrorizes the entire student body with his short temper.

I laugh to myself, tears falling from my eyes. I can't tell if they're from relief or sadness or grief, but they feel calming on my cheeks as I wipe them away and gather my things. I shove all of my books into my bag and barely bat an eye as I stuff my notes in after them. I keep the CD tucked in my jacket securely and I can't wipe the stupid smile off my face as I imagine running into his arms as soon as I get home.

I nearly run to my car and toss my bag into the passenger seat, speeding out of the parking lot before I've barely gotten my seatbelt on. I know he'll be angry, but I'll explain that I told Miles, that I want him, that I want to kiss his face more than anything in the world and I'll do just that. I'll let him hold me and all will be resolved for another day.

I see the mustang parked in the driveway and my adrenaline goes through the roof. I try to practice what I'll say to him, going over it in my head as I walk in the house through the garage. Instantly my ears are blaring as I'm hit by a wall of music coming from the living room. I round the counter in the kitchen and my eyes land on him, half naked on top of a girl on the couch. Their mouths are super glued together as he rocks over her and I can't move, I'm frozen in place wondering how it's possible to be as terrible as he is. My mind can't comprehend what's happening, my body can't keep up as my stomach twists into a thousand knots and my heart burns in my chest.

I turn away from them, covering my eyes and heaving out a breath I didn't know I was holding. It feels like all of the air has been sucked from my lungs. I'm choking on air as I walk back around the corner, pressing my back to the wall and covering my mouth to keep the hiccupping sobs from echoing through the house. Suddenly there's tears on my cheeks and I'm nearly hyperventilating as I run to his room and close the door behind me, locking the door. As soon as the door closes, the tsunami crashes over me. I can't contain it, the tears, the sobbing, and the wretched feeling of my stomach in my throat.

I hear him shouting, just barely louder than the music. The sobs are coming faster when I hear his voice, when I can no longer pretend that it wasn't him or that it was just a bad dream. The front door slams and I pray to god that he left but I hear his voice again all too soon.

"Jess?" He calls, and I hear his footsteps running to the door.

The doorknob jiggles and I hear his voice on the other side of the door, begging me to open up. As if I owe him anything. What good does he think me letting him in will do, there's nothing he could do that's going to fix this in a quick pinch. He shouts as he bangs his fist against the door, jiggling the doorknob more vigorously this time.

"Jess? Please! Come on dollface!" He shouts, smacking his hand against the door.

His voice tears down what little resolve I had left in me and finally I'm hysterical. My entire face is wet with tears, my eyes are burning from me squeezing them shut. My throat is sore and throbbing from the guttural screams of sobs erupting from it as I picture the scene over and over in my mind. It feels like it's burned behind my eyelids, scorched and branded to remind me of how easily he traded me out for someone else.

Suddenly the doorknob is wiggling again and to my surprise the door swings open. He's standing in front of me, dressed in nothing but gym shorts, breathing heavily as he tosses a ring of keys back into his pocket. I back up to his headboard, getting as far away from him as I can. I tuck my knees into my chest and hide my face from him, I can't let him see that he did this to me.

"Jess, I'm sorry-"

"I'm sorry? That's it? I come home to tell you that I told Miles everything and you're fucking some girl on our couch?" I scream, the words falling from my mouth and I wish I could shove them back in.

His face falls as he takes a step towards me, stopping abruptly. His head falls on his shoulders and he rubs the back of his neck the way he always does when he's stressed. I refuse to let myself feel sorry for him no matter how badly I want to run my fingers through his hair to calm him down. What does he have to be stressed about?

"Our couch?" He says finally, his head just barely picking up enough to meet my eyes.

"Your couch." I say, correcting myself.

His face falls even further. Whatever was the last sliver of hope inside him, it's shattered now. He looks the same as the night I met him, there's no emotion to him. I've gotten too used to seeing him smiling that I forgot he never used to.

"Can we talk about this?"

"What's there to talk about Harry? You got heated and grabbed the first girl you saw and slept with her. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?" I snap at him, the time for crying now over and anger starting to surface.

"I just went to get you and you were with Miles at the library, or did you forget about that dollface?" He barks back, his eyebrows drawing together.

"That is definitely not the same thing and you know it." I huff, standing from the bed to be face to face with him.

"It is the same thing! You went and hung out with your boyfriend after kissing me all night!" He shouts, taking a step closer to me.

"I went and hung out with him because he is my friend, Harry. Not because I wanted to sleep with him on my couch." I sigh, pushing past him to get out of the small expanse of his room.

He grabs my arm, tugging him back to me, "Jess, come on-"

"Don't touch me." I seethe, ripping my hand from his grasp and continuing to his door.

"Baby, I'm sorry." He says, his voice dropping to that low gentle register that makes my face flush.

"No, you don't get to do this," I huff, turning around and pressing my finger into his bare chest with every word, "You don't get to come in here and call me baby and say you're sorry and all is forgiven."

He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off again, "No, don't say anything. No more baby, no more dollface, no more I'm sorry. I need time, to think things through, to make some decisions."

He remains quiet but his face changes. I can't tell if he's worried or taken aback or scared. Is Harry Styles really standing in front of me scared shitless by my careful demeanor? My words come out precise and calculated, through grit teeth and a locked jaw, a tone I've developed from him.

"Okay, I'll leave." He says, searching my eyes for any sort of reaction.

As soon as the words come out of his mouth I wish I could take it all back. I don't want him to go anywhere, I want him to hold me and tell me that it was all a bad dream. Even after everything, I want him right next to me, but I know we need our space to think.

I nod, and he sighs, turning back to the door with his head hung low on his shoulders. I call his name before I can stop myself and he turns around hopefully.

"Where are you going?" I question, and I wish I wouldn't have asked.

I don't want to know where he's going. He's probably going to some bar with other girls to drink and dance with them and forget about me. He'll go move on over the span of tonight and I'll still be here crying over him.

"Somewhere quiet, I'll be back tonight." He says gently, his voice barely a whisper.

He walks back over to me and takes me in his arms and I let him. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding as soon as my arms are around him and my chin is resting on his shoulder. I squeeze my eyes shut so he can't see my tears just as he pulls away and leaves a kiss to the top of my head.

He walks back out the door and closes it behind him, leaving me alone with the silence and my thoughts. I hear the front door close and then the rev of the mustang backing out of the driveway. As soon as he's gone, I'm in a hurricane. My thoughts are muddled, my hands are shaking, and all I can beg for is his strong arms holding me. Every time I close my eyes I see him on the couch with that girl and it feels like a dagger to my stomach, knocking the wind out of me.

I lay back against his mattress and the CD envelope in my jacket digs into my side. I take it out carefully, my hands shaking like a leaf in the wind. I read his name over and over, studying his scribbly handwriting I've grown so fond of. I take the CD out of the jacket to see it a little scratched up and warped on one side. I debate going out to my car to listen to it until I see his laptop sitting in his chair. Before I can stop myself, I'm collapsing into the chair with his computer in my lap and loading the CD into the tray on the side. I press play and put his headphones over my ears, encompassing myself in the music.

The notes make me think of him. They're warm and soft and the beat of the drums thump through to my heart and rattle my bones. I sway to the music, losing myself to it, melting into the singer's voice and allowing the pent-up tears to stream down my face. It's then that I realize, when everything reminds me of him, when after everything I still want him, when I know that no matter how bad things get we can make it work, that I'd rather fight with him than kiss anyone else.

It's during this realization that the door opens and my heart stops in my chest. Sam walks in unannounced, her face already solemn and understanding. She stands above me, looking between me and the computer on my lap. She takes the headphones off my ears and sets them on the side table beside me before doing the same with the computer.

"Come here." She breathes, pulling me up by my hands.

I nearly collapse into her arms. She holds me close and the floodgates burst, raining down my cheeks and onto the back of her shirt. She rubs a hand up and down my back and lets me cry before finally holding me back from her and wiping under my eyes.

"I knew it was bound to happen." She sighs, wiping tears from my face and tucking my hair behind my ear.

"What was bound to happen?" I ask, my voice cracking.

"You two," She smiles weakly, sitting on the edge of his bed, "We all saw it coming."

"You did?"

"It was too different for him; Niall and Louis have been friends with Harry for years, but they've never seen him being friends with a girl before. You're different for him, because he loves you." She explains, nearly making me choke on the air around me.

"Harry doesn't love me." I cut in, taking a breath.

"I can promise you that he at least cares about you," She says, wrapping an arm around me, "It's not every day that he comes bursting into our dorm begging Louis to tell him how to get you back."

I turn to her with a start. Harry did that? No, he didn't, there's no way Harry Styles is begging anyone to help him with anything.

"He didn't."

"He did," She nods, "He's scared shitless Jess, he thinks you're not going to forgive him."

I can tell she's waiting for an answer of whether I will or not but even I'm not sure yet. I shouldn't do so as easily as I want to. As soon as I didn't march right up to Miles and tell him it's over, Harry was grabbing the nearest girl and making out with her on the couch. He's rash and indecisive and hot tempered and he drives me absolutely insane. But he's intelligent and witty and sarcastic and he makes me smile like no one else in the world can. I've only kissed him a handful of times but all of them have felt like flying, like taking off to outer space at a million miles an hour and spinning so much that you can't tell which way is up.

"I don't know if I should." I breathe, looking up from my lap to meet her eyes.

I wonder if she knows what he did, if he cared enough to let her and Louis in on that little detail. I can't imagine that she would be so quick to side with him if she did. Part of me doesn't want to tell her, part of me doesn't want her to talk me out of forgiving him.

"Everything has just been so fast, one minute we were best friends and the next he was kissing me, and everything changed. I don't even know what we are, he's not my boyfriend but we're closer to dating than me and Miles ever were," I think aloud, my mind racing, "I mean we've never even been on a date, we live together for the time being, everything is always so extreme with him."

"You love it." She laughs.

"What?"

"The extreme! The rash decisions and spontaneity, how crazy he is; he's a hot head and an adrenaline junkie and you love it." She grins, shoving me to get her point across.

Her words make me think back to when I first met him. I remember being intrigued despite him staining my favorite dress with a cup of cheap beer. His long hair and crazy number of tattoos and foreign accent; I was glued to him from day one. It was so easy to be myself around him, to throw digs at him and know that instead of taking them personally he would come up with an equally snarky remark to throw back at me. That stupid smirk on his face and his constant smugness grew to be my favorite things about him. He was unapologetically himself and it was addictive.

"You two are so alike."

"And so different." I remind her.

She sighs, knowing that this isn't going to be as easy as she might have previously imagined. I was serious when I said I needed time to think this over.

"He's scared, Jess."

"He should be."

"He's sorry."

"And so am I."

She huffs in frustration and stands from the bed before taking a breath and turning back to me with understanding.

"I know he fucked up, majorly fucked up, but we all do it sometimes. He's new to this, he's never been with a girl like this Jess, he's never been someone's before."

"He's not mine." I lament, shaking my head.

Harry doesn't belong to anyone but himself, he makes it evident. He floats from person to person and builds relationships but they're never substantial.

"He's yours, dollface." She nods, laughing at her own use of his stupid nickname for me.

She eventually helps me off the edge of the bed and drags me with tear stained eyes to the shower and makes me get in. She promises that it'll help, and I allow myself to believe her. She starts the water and it's far too hot when I finally step inside but I welcome it because only moments ago I was shivering. I hear her in the kitchen on the phone with the takeout Chinese place as I wash my hair. I silently thank the universe for her in my life as I rinse the soap from my hair and replace it with conditioner.

I hope to god that scrubbing myself like this will finally rid me of the bruises Jace inflicted on my skin but instead the purple and blue hues only mix with the irritated redness of my skin. I smell like mangos when I climb out of the shower and grab a towel but it's not enough to distract me from the marks on my skin. I drag my dripping feet to his room and refrain from sinking into a pair of his sweatpants and hoodie. Instead, I go through my own suitcase and grab a pair of pajama bottoms and my own sweater.

I pull my hair into a ponytail after deciding I can't be bothered to blow dry it. When I walk out of his room Sam smiles and pats the seat on the couch next to her. There's six boxes of takeout on the coffee table in front of her and the sky outside the windows is black. There's no way I can sit on that couch, just looking at it makes the image of him with her appear in the foreground of my mind.

I grab a box of takeout and retreat to his room. I close the door behind me and debate locking it, I just want to be alone. I turn the lock and collapse back into the chair, dragging his computer onto my lap and placing his headphones back over my ears. I press play and my stomach flutters at the sounds of him, music I can only associate with him, specific songs that he chose to play for me. Before I've even gotten a bite of Chinese, my eyes start to fall closed and I'm sinking into him, reaching for one of the many blankets on his bed and enveloping myself in his scent with tears on my cheeks and his music in my ears.

HARRY

I drive back home in silence with shaking hands. I know what I did was wrong, so beyond wrong, but I couldn't believe the anger bubbling inside of me when I walked into that library and saw her with him. I thought I had her, but I was mistaken. She's not anyone's to keep, how could I have been so stupid? It's almost as if I forgot how different she was from every other woman on Earth.

I forgot nearly all of the things that make her, her. I assumed that she was mine, that she would let me be her protector when she really doesn't need one at all. I forgot about her independence, her fire and her strength, I threw it all out the window in worry and tried to convince her to do something she didn't want to do.

I let it get to me, I let everything get to me. I let jealousy get to me because he has her, he has everything I've ever wanted. I let worry get to me because I know that I can never give her what he can. I let her get to me in all of the best ways, this whole time I thought it was me getting under her skin, but it turns out she was just as successful.

I pull into the driveway and I can barely breathe as I walk inside and call her name. Sam sits up on the couch and scares me half to death as she grabs her bag and makes her way to the door.

"What are you doing here?" I ask her incredulously.

"Helping you."

"I thought you said I was a huge fuckup and to stay away from your best friend?"

"I did," She thinks aloud, mulling it over for a bit, "But I think you two deserve a fair chance and that's anything but what you've been given so far."

"A fair chance?"

"A chance at making whatever this is you two have, work."

She pushes past me to the front door and walks outside, closing it behind her without so much as another glance in my direction. 'Whatever this is you two have'. I laugh as I think it over in my head, the course of our rocky road of a relationship. I've never had a serious girlfriend, but it doesn't take a relationship genius to realize that ours is anything but orthodox.

I walk to my bedroom carefully, readying myself to apologize. I turn the knob and let out a breath when I can open the door, she didn't lock me out. My eyes land on her, sound asleep in the chair beside my bed. My laptop is in her hands and my headphones are over her ears. I walk over to her and glance at the screen on my computer to see her listening to the CD I made her. She kept it? It works?

A weight has been lifted off my chest as I take the headphones off her ears and set the laptop aside on my bed. I readjust her head so she's not leaning on her neck and cover her with another blanket. She's so beautiful, her hair tied up in a ponytail and her face bare. She looks so peaceful as she sleeps, tucked into one of my blankets in my favorite chair. I finally back out of the room just as she stirs in her sleep, snapping her eyes open in shock when they land on me in the doorway.

"Harry?" She yawns.

"Yes, baby?" I ask eagerly, awaiting the worst but hoping for the best.

"Can we talk tomorrow?"

My chest feels tight when the words come from her mouth. I'm an idiot for wishing for anything more but part of me hoped she'd want to lay together tonight and forget about what happened.

"Of course."

"I'll sleep in Louis's room, sorry, I just fell asleep-"

"No, you sleep in my bed, I'll take Louis's room."

She smiles weakly as she stands from the chair and wraps one of the blankets around her shoulders. She walks over to me, her beautiful face saddened. She surprises me as she wraps her arms around me and presses her lips to my cheek before pulling away much too fast.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, dollface."

She tries to smile but I can tell that it's hard. She turns back to my bed and slides under the covers, tucking the blankets around herself. I step outside and close the door behind me, letting my back rest against the wood and bracing myself for a night without her.

I drag my feet to Louis's room and collapse into his full bed. My feet nearly hang off the edge and I'm still fully clothed, but I can feel sleep dragging me down. My mind drifts to the last night that I slept without her and awoke in Ashlyn's dorm from the worst nightmare I'd had in months. It seems that when you've been without them for a few nights, you lose your tolerance. Because of Jess, it's been weeks.

[yesborg9]

Austin, TX

The time had come once again for my wife to have a week off from work in February. We had some trouble deciding where we would go for this vacation; she wanted to go back to Europe or possibly Toronto while I wanted to go somewhere warmer. We ended up polling each other’s top 5 destinations, and only Austin was on both of our lists. She wanted to see the Lyndon B Johnson Presidential Library while I had heard about the craft beer culture there.

The first thing I noticed there was that they take their craft beer very seriously. We arrived Tuesday night and went to a semi-famous burger bar chain called Hopdoddy. They have 9 locations in Texas, one in Denver, two in the Phoenix area, and four in California. I was surprised to only recognize one tap: Oskar Blues Dale’s Pale Ale. The waiter told us that they only had Austin beers on tap, which is a little amazing, but I countered that Oskar Blues is in Colorado. He confirmed that was true, but they contracted out brewing of Dale’s Pale Ale in Austin. I had a Pecan Porter by (512) Brewing Company, a hefeweizen by Live Oak Brewing, a Devil’s Backbone tripel by Real Ale Brewing, and a Thirsty Goat Amber by Thirsty Planet Brewing. All of these choices were excellent, my favorite being the Pecan Porter. I had the local staple pilsner recommended by several people that night called Pearl-Snap at the hotel bar, but I didn’t really like it. I find it odd that often the most popular beer in many cities is overrated. I finished off the night with a London Homesick Ale by Oasis Texas Brewing, making it six different beers by six different Austin breweries.

It was slightly disappointing that we were missing the great weather back home in Wisconsin; Madison broke an all-time February record high. I say slightly because the weather for us in Austin could not have been better. We saw highs in the 80’s and not a cloud in the sky all week. We took advantage of the weather by dining and drinking outside every chance we got. Every venue we visited, including breweries, had an outdoor dining/beergarden area.

Wednesday we had lunch at Torchy’s Tacos, which seemed to be a very popular place at all times of the day. If there are two things I saw the most of in Austin, it was taco bars and food trucks. Another peculiar thing about Austin was the lack of national brand names. When it came to ordering beers or soda, it was rare to see Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Miller Lite, or Budweiser on the menu. At Hopdoddy, if you didn’t want an Austin-brewed tap beer, your only other options were Lone Star (brewed in Fort Worth by Miller), Shiner Bock (about a 90 min drive SE of Austin in Shiner, TX), and Dos Equis (imported from Mexico). At Torchy’s Tacos, the fountain sodas are all from Maine Root, a handcrafted beverage company in Portland, ME that was selected as an exclusive supplier at Austin’s City Limits Music Festival for the last 4 years. I had something called Doppelganger which tasted just like Dr. Pepper.

We took a tour of the state capitol as well as the LBJ Presidential Library. After that, the first brewery I decided to visit was Zilker Brewing Co. They had a lot of hoppy selections as well as two coffee stouts. They also had one very good sour called Rare Candy. We moved on to Lazarus Brewing, which was only two blocks away. There we had some more tacos (I had some hot sauce that was very spicy even for me) and I sampled all of their beers. They had a double IPA I thought was amazing; I’d compare it to Dogfish Head’s 90 Minute.

We ventured back up north of the capitol to the Scholz Garten, which was described as a “historic German biergarten.” We arrived to find it was closed to the public for a private party. We decided to just head back toward the hotel and ate at Home Slice Pizza which served New York style pizza. It didn’t compare to the pizza we had in Brooklyn last month but it wasn’t bad especially after the last barleywine I drank at Lazarus.

On Thursday the high reached the upper 80’s, but the humidity was low and it was breezy so it didn’t feel bad at all. We had lunch at Uncle Billy’s Brew & Que, a brewery that specializes in BBQ meats. I sampled all of their beers, and while I really wasn’t blown away by any of them, some were very interesting. Their Brew Oyster Cult is an oyster stout, which is exactly what it sounds like, but it didn’t taste fishy or anything. They have a Dark Chocolate Russian Imperial Stout that the wife liked, and a pale ale I liked called Clusterf*#%.

We went for a walk around the Umlauf Sculpture Garden. I’m not an artsy person, but I seemed to interpret the sculptures as representing Christianity, family, and sexuality. There were sculptures of angels, families, naked women, naked couples embracing, and Christ on a cross. We continued on our walk, crossing Barton Creek and into the Austin City Limits Music Festival grounds, which was just a large park with sunbathers, dog walkers, and kite-flyers.

That night we were heading to the Rainey Street Historic District for food & fun, when I twisted my ankle walking downtown. We were learning that Austin is not a very pedestrian-friendly city, as many sidewalks were uneven, in very rough shape, or end without warning or a safe place to cross. I was able to hobble along to our destination, Banger’s Sausage House & Beer Garden. Boasting itself as a German-style biergarten, aside from having sausage on the menu there was very little German fare there. They have over 100 taps(!) but only one German import. They also had live country music, which I actually didn’t mind after a few beers. I took advantage of one of the few authentic German items on the menu, Currywurst, and it was good. I sampled several hefeweizens and wits that were very pleasing including (512) Wit, Harpoon UFO Twist (Boston, MA), and Wasatch Apricot Hefeweizen (Park City, UT).

The next day for lunch, my ankle was feeling better so we walked a while to catch a bus to the Austin Beer Garden Brewing Co. I had a five-beer flight and we both had delicious turkey sandwiches. I skipped the hoppiest beers and just stuck with lighter stuff as it was another beautiful day to eat & drink outdoors. I tried two more pints there, then the wife wanted to stop back along South Congress near our hotel to buy a top. It was my intention to visit at least two more breweries our last full day in Austin, so she obliged.

Our next stop was Hops & Grain Brewing. They did not offer samples, so I purchased five half-pours. I tried a very good alt, porter, sour, and German-style lager, but I didn’t care for the hoppy Pale Dog. Several blocks away, we found Blue Owl Brewing, which was the crown jewel of my Austin beer sampling experience for two reasons: 1. They were having a fundraiser for a dog shelter and there were 10 (well behaved) dogs running around the beer garden, 2. All 8 beers they brew are sours. Sour pale ale, cherry stout, raspberry strong ale, imperial oatmeal stout, session wheat, flanders brown, wee heavy, and chocolate/raspberry ale. They’re all as amazing as they sound if you like sour beers.

The weekend crowd in the city started increasing so we decided to avoid it by getting some pizza to-go and just watched Netflix the rest of the night in the hotel (because we’re old) as I finished off my six-pack of Black Thunder schwarzbier by Austin Beerworks.

The last thing I noticed about the beer culture in Austin was the irony that none of the restaurants we visited had domestic beers like Miller or Bud, nor even Corona or Samuel Adams, beers that you would find in just about any restaurant in most of the country. But in the Austin airport the only beers I saw on tap were Miller Lite, Bud Light, Sam Adams, and Stella Artois. We then arrived at O’Hare to find airport bars with Goose Island and Revolution on tap.

My overall thoughts of Austin are mostly positive. The service was excellent every place we visited. Sure, there were a lot of hipsters with man-buns and I don’t think I saw a single tattooless woman, but everyone was very friendly and polite, even on the Metro buses. I felt like an old person at some places because most of the people we saw were millennials. I can only take so much hip & trendy before I just want to go home and watch Star Trek on the couch. We did have a fun time and might go back if only to visit more breweries as I only visited 6 of the more than 30 in the city, which is more than double what is was in 2010. And if you love tacos, you’ll love Austin. My only other negative about the city besides the terrible sidewalks is that the water tastes bad. We noticed this at every venue. I have to wonder how much better the beer would be if they had better water.