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incendir · 8 years

Text

stop just a minute (we’ve got so much time)

from/to: icn/jfk

depart: 16:00

flight: kal81

the day sungjong leaves for new york is a big affair. howon rides in the sunggyu’s car with woohyun, myungsoo, and dongwoo. sungjong and sungyeol are in the car in front of them along with their parents, sungjong and sungyeol’s maternal grandmother, and all of sungjong’s luggage. even though sungjong and sungyeol’s grandmother and mother are barely holding back tears and won’t let sungjong out of their arms even as he laughs and continuously repeats that phones exist for a reason, the general atmosphere isn’t a sad one.

sungjong is right, after all - there are phones and computers and they’ll all be able to hear his voice and see his face as many times as they want and need to. he’ll be back between semesters for a month at a time, and for the summer for an entire three months.

after he checks in, they all walk him to the security gate to say their final goodbyes. howon stands back, almost to the side, and watches as everyone else hugs and kisses him - the youngest out of all of them, the last one they watched walk across that familiar platform in their high school to receive his diploma just a few months ago.

his carry-on is just a backpack - not the one he used for school, but a new one that sungyeol had bought for him when sungjong first received the acceptance letter to this program. he’s almost an entire head taller than howon now, even though when they just met, he’d only had a few centimeters on him. sungjong has also begun to lose his cheeks, the baby fat clinging to his jaw almost completely gone, and howon tries to ignore the pang in his chest when he thinks about how he won’t see sungjong finish growing up - he won’t be there.

he uses the time it takes for sungjong’s parents, grandmother, and the others to be completely satisfied in how much they’ve mussed his hair and nearly suffocated him to swallow down the rest of those feelings. this is going to be quite possibly a life-changing experience for sungjong, and he’s worked sleepless night upon sleepless night for this, and howon wants him to take the world by storm like he inevitably always would.

“this is a special occasion so don’t think i’ll let you touch him ever again,” sungyeol says, shoving howon forward by the back of his head. howon grins back at his friend, as he feels sungjong tugging him in by the arm.

he lets sungjong wrap his long arms around howon’s neck, face buried against the side of howon’s hair. howon pulls his own arms tight around sungjong’s waist and breathes in the scent he won’t smell again until december. “don’t eat too much shake shack,” howon says into sungjong’s neck. he feels the younger boy shake with laughter against him. “you won’t grow taller forever.”

“i’ll smuggle some back for you, hyung,” comes the reply as sungjong pulls away and smiles at him, eyes just a little wetter than they should be.

howon smiles back and pushes him with both of his hands on the omega’s back. “hurry up,” he says, as much of a laugh in his voice as he can inject without feeling his own eyes get too warm.

once sungjong is out of sight, howon feels woohyun’s hand squeeze his shoulder and sungyeol’s hand firm on his back. howon puts his hands in his pockets and turns to face them. myungsoo isn’t crying as hard as sungjong’s mother and grandmother are, but it’s a close call. “wanna get drunk?” woohyun slings an arm around howon’s neck.

howon glances at him with a half-smile. “you bet.”

03:18 d-4: hyung did u want the white one and sunggyu-hyung the red one 03:18 d-4: or is it the other way around 03:19 d-4: or did woohyun-hyung want the red one 03:21 ya lee howon: they r all for me 03:21 ya lee howon: only me 03:23 d-4: lol hyung srsly 03:24 ya lee howon: ur bringing both back either way 03:24 ya lee howon: we can fight for who gets which 03:25 d-4: hyungs battling to the death for hats 03:25 d-4: im down 03:25 d-4: pls provide popcorn 03:26 ya lee howon: no 03:27 d-4: no popcorn? :( 03:28 ya lee howon: hyungs battling for whatevers left 03:28 ya lee howon: i get first picks 03:28 ya lee howon: bc u love me most 03:28 ya lee howon: :) 03:29 d-4: i love whoever pays me back first 03:30 ya lee howon: u kno i’ll pay u back first and best :)) 03:32 d-4: lmao 03:33 d-4: ok fine 03:33 d-4: but only bc u drive a hard bargain 03:33 d-4: go to sleep 03:34 d-4: u have class in like 4 hrs 03:34 d-4: hyung omg 03:36 ya lee howon: miss u 03:37 d-4: SLEEP :( NOW 03:37 d-4: OR IM GIVING ALL THE HATS TO SUNGGYU-HYUNG 03:43 ya lee howon: the things i do for supreme 03:44 d-4: don’t let the sungyeol-hyung bugs bite 04:51 d-4: i miss u too

from/to: lhr/icn

depart: 9:30

flight: kl 856

there isn’t usually much traffic once howon gets out of the city itself onto the larger roads that lead him from seoul to incheon, but at around four in the morning, even the bit of traffic he usually encounters coming out of seoul is hardly there. it takes less than an hour today to get to the airport, and by the time he does, the first few barest rays of dawn are starting to peek through into the sky. he hadn’t slept at all tonight, afraid that he’d miss his alarm if he did.

he had work to get done anyway, and just started on whatever he needed to get through for next week once he had finished that in order to keep himself awake until it was time to leave.

the airport is as empty as the roads, the red-eye flights just beginning to land and most coming in on those planes are businessmen with chauffeurs from agencies and hotels waiting for them, holding placards with last names on them. howon goes to the board of arrivals, looking to make sure that sungjong’s flight was still due to land on time and to see which gate he needed to wait at.

even there, howon is fairly sure that he’s the only person who isn’t in a suit with a name-board. he takes his phone from the back pocket of his jeans. there aren’t any new messages he can look through because no one is awake at this hour, obviously. the last messages he received were from sungjong just before he’d gotten on the flight, nearly twelve hours ago. howon had sent him back suggestions for where sungjong wanted to eat once he returned, since more often than not, sungjong is hungrier for korean food than he is for sleep whenever he arrives.

sungjong had gotten on the plane and turned off his phone before he could read those messages, but now, when howon checks the chat, they’ve been read, which means sungjong’s flight really is on time, and he’s landed already - most probably reading the messages while waiting for his bags or during immigration.

people begin coming out of the gate about an hour after the arrival time that had been listed on the board. howon tucks his phone back into his jeans, hands in the pockets of his jacket as he bounces up and down on the heels of his feet, waiting.

the first time sungjong came home - from new york, after his two years abroad - they had all come to pick him up along with sungjong’s parents in the same way that they’d sent him off. it was like that when sungjong had gone off again two years later and when he returned a few weeks later. after three, four, five times, once it became sungjong’s steady career, and he began living with howon, it was either just howon or sometimes howon and sungyeol, or one of the others whenever howon just couldn’t make it himself.

sungjong insisted for a time that it was ridiculous and he could take himself to and from the airport by taxi, but howon thinks that’s more ridiculous and said exactly that to sungjong’s exasperated smile.

for the most part, howon knows sungjong understands now that howon does this almost as much for himself as he does for sungjong. from time to time, however, like yesterday, sungjong still tries to get howon to let sungjong take a cab. i’m going to land at five in the morning and you had meetings all week, hyung, sungjong had said, as howon watched him pack through his laptop screen.

you know we just eat and fuck around at those, howon had joked, grinning, and curling his fingers against the cotton of his joggers beneath the table - far from what the camera of his laptop could capture, where sungjong couldn’t see. he’d watched sungjong roll his eyes and smile back, not pushing further because even when sungjong had once told howon point-blank that sungjong was going to walk straight past howon and take a taxi even if he was there, howon had still come anyway, dragged a laughing sungjong to his car, and demanded that sungjong pay a fare since, after all, sungjong wanted to take a taxi so badly.

yesterday, howon had watched sungjong sitting on his suitcase, stomping on his suitcase, lying stomach down on his suitcase in an attempt to get it to shut, and he’d laughed and told sungjong that the omega was far too light to make even the slightest difference in getting it to shut - as well as asking him if he was trying to sneak in an entire year’s supply of fish and chips. he’d watched sungjong, and tried not to think about how, if he was there, he’d have jumped next to sungjong on top of the suitcase and they would’ve pressed it down together, each of them clicking the fastening closest to their hands.

he’d watched sungjong climb into bed holding the laptop and couldn’t help himself from imagining himself lying there beside him, one arm thrown over his stomach and the other pulling the blanket over both of them. he’d watched sungjong fall asleep through the screen of his laptop, and his finger hovered over his mouse pad for far too long before he brought himself to end the call.

“hyung!”

he hears him before he sees him.

there are more people than he expected now pouring out of the automatic double doors, and it takes him a moment before he sees the long, thin arm waving at him and the familiar suitcases piled on the luggage cart. he’s running in through the crowd before he knows it, around the cart and then his arms are around a small, warm waist and his face is pressed into a soft neck and he’s inhaling the scent of home.

18:13 overrated tokyo banana: flight got delayed 18:13 overrated tokyo banana: 4hr delay 18:16 bring me tokyo banana: shit 18:17 overrated tokyo banana: they said there might be more delays 18:17 overrated tokyo banana: bc it’s snowing so bad 18:18 overrated tokyo banana: hyung i think u shouldn’t come 18:18 overrated tokyo banana: i’ll just take a cab 18:18 overrated tokyo banana: if we even take off today 18:20 bring me tokyo banana: it’s fine 18:21 bring me tokyo banana: i’ll catch dinner 18:21 bring me tokyo banana: keep me updated 18:22 bring me tokyo banana: it’s snowing p badly here 2 20:01 overrated tokyo banana: idk if u alr saw but we r snowed in 20:02 bring me tokyo banana: i saw yeah 20:02 bring me tokyo banana: did they say when the next plane can leave? 20:03 overrated tokyo banana: no…. 20:03 overrated tokyo banana: they said they r moving us out 20:03 overrated tokyo banana: theres a hotel next to the airport i think they r gonna shuttle us there 20:07 bring me tokyo banana: call me when u get there or if anything else happens

sungjong doesn’t come home until new year’s.

howon had planned to take him out that night, christmas eve night, that sungjong should have landed had the snowstorm not escalated into the worst blizzard that both seoul and tokyo had seen in a fair decade. he’d planned to take sungjong to the christmas festival that they used to go to together when sungjong was in university, and then to see the display of christmas trees that had been put up near the square of shops beside their apartment complex.

sungyeol and myungsoo had also thrown a christmas party, expecting sungjong to have been home by then, and while they all still laughed and talked and drank until it wasn’t even christmas anymore, howon knows he isn’t the only one that felt the empty space - that they were all missing the person they were supposed to tease mercilessly and lovingly.

sungjong had video-called howon from the hotel room the airport had put him in later that night, the night he was supposed to come home. i had to wash my boxers in the sink and dry them on a chair, he’d said to howon’s unsympathetic guffawing. no stores are open so i couldn’t even buy new underwear, hyung, stop laughing.

that night howon listened to a good, solid two hours of sungjong ranting about the inadequacies of the airport staff and the various people who he’d watched make scenes in the middle of the airport and also the hotel lobby - from entertaining and dramatic to full-blown annoying and inconsiderate to the fact that everyone is stuck because of the snow and everyone had places to be.

maybe i should’ve just hopped on my suitcase and rowed my way back - it’s not that far, right? sungjong joked wearily, leaning back on the pillows and pulling his laptop closer to himself on the bed.

this is why you almost failed physics if it weren’t for me, howon teased, and sungjong smiled.

i almost failed physics even with you, hyung.

howon didn’t remember who had fallen asleep first that night. he just remembered waking up to his laptop having hibernated on its own, and a slew of messages in all of the chats he was in - from his group chat with woohyun and sungyeol, telling him to remember to bring quality alcohol or he’s not allowed in the house, to myungsoo reminding him to bring enough alcohol for the two of them once everyone else has passed out, to sunggyu threatening him not to give sunggyu presents for his unborn children because there’s been enough of that and to bring sunggyu something, to dongwoo pleading for him to bring food because no one else will remember to.

he opened all of the messages but replied to none of them yet.

before he went back to sort anything else out, he opened the messages he had saved for last.

08:22 i hate snow: merry christmas hyung!! !!!!!! 08:38 i hate snow: Image sent. 08:38 i hate snow: Image sent. 08:38 i hate snow: Image sent. 08:40 i hate snow: have fun getting trashed 08:41 i hate snow: beat myungsoo-hyung this time

they were photos of sungjong out in the snow, despite what he had changed his name in the chat to while howon was asleep. howon still has those photos saved to his phone, unable to stop flipping back and forth through them as he waits now at the gate for sungjong to arrive finally - six days later than he was supposed to be home, but howon would rather wait as long as it took if that meant sungjong would be flown over in safer weather.

howon assumes sungjong had taken these photos somewhere near the hotel - possibly just even in the parking lot or on the sidewalk, even though it really was snowing so hard, howon could barely make out sungjong’s face through the snowflakes and wind blowing his scarf around his face. it had snowed straight through the next three days before the storm finally stopped, and then it took another three days before conditions were safe enough and the weather wasn’t too dangerous for the engines.

sungjong had told howon yesterday that he was going to be on the first flight out the following day, and howon had only barely been able to sleep.

he’s done this so many times now - he’s fairly sure a good portion of the airport staff around all shifts know him - the people who work the bakeries and cafes around the perimeter of the arrival gates definitely know him, but for some reason, his heart still pounds loudly in his chest whenever he’s waiting for sungjong.

he’ll never say it’s easy because it isn’t. none of this is ever easy, and all of it has been so romanticised, but there is nothing fun or romantic or sweet about having lived together with sungjong for so many years now - the omega’s name is on the lease along with howon’s - but it hardly feels like they’ve shared a home at all. absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder is a load of bullshit because all sungjong’s absence does is make howon miss him so much, there are times he’ll just be gazing into sungjong’s eyes through the screen of his laptop or phone, and the realization of the situation will hit him with crippling pain - that sungjong is miles upon miles away and howon isn’t looking into his eyes - just an image inside a machine.

there have been so many people who have no idea what it’s like giving howon advice - whether it’s from his colleagues, to friends of friends who hear about his and sungjong’s situation from the others, to his brothers, to even his relatives. some of them have told him it’ll get easier, some of them have told him that long-distance strengthens relationships.

he doesn’t think it’ll ever get easier, and he doesn’t think he’s in any place to judge how strong or weak he and sungjong are together.

all he knows is that no matter how hard it gets -

“good news or bad news first,” sungjong breathes against howon’s shoulder, seconds after the omega has thrown himself straight into howon, backpack half off his shoulders and suitcase crashed to the floor at their feet.

howon clenches his eyes shut and holds sungjong so tightly that he’s pretty sure the straps of sungjong’s backpack will leave indents in howon’s arms even through the sleeves of the alpha’s thick coat. “my tokyo bananas got squished?”

“okay - that was the bad news,” sungjong’s voice is more muffled now because both he and howon are hugging each other so closely, howon doesn’t think he could breathe even if he tried. “the good news is - “

“you’re home?” howon asks, and lets sungjong pull away slightly - just enough so he can look up into the younger man’s face.

sungjong presses his smile against howon’s mouth briefly - too, too briefly. “that, too,” the omega says, “but also, sunggyu-hyung’s box wasn’t squished so we can just give him the squished ones.”

when howon surges forward to kiss sungjong back this time, sungjong’s beanie flies off his head.

from/to: icn/cdg

depart: 22:00

flight: tk 89

“you know,” sungyeol says, as he walks howon down to the security checkpoint, “i should technically be ripping your boarding pass in half right about now.”

howon grins. “you know, he’s going to come home in a week so regardless, in about a week’s time, you’re going to be seeing that ring on his finger and - regardless - soon we’re gonna be a real fami - “

“literally, you disgust me,” sungyeol cuts him off. “i should have killed you and fed your remains to my cats while i had the chance, but now my parents are expecting sungjong to come back engaged and he can’t be engaged to a box of organs.”

even though there are still quite a fair few people in the airport at this time of night, not yet so late that the flow of flights has slowed, it’s quieter than the usual hustle and bustle during peak time a few hours ago in the evening and late afternoon. the workers at the cafe howon always gets coffee from, sometimes with sungjong and sometimes for sungjong, while he’s waiting actually stared at him for a good few seconds upon seeing his suitcase as he and sungyeol grabbed a quick bite before going to check howon in.

he has a long wait until his flight actually leaves because it’s an international flight and he had to arrive two hours beforehand to get his boarding pass, so he plans to eat more once he’s inside and there are more actual restaurants. he’ll eat his fill at the airport and then opt out of eating on the plane. he plans to attempt to sleep as much as he can to minimize his jet lag once he arrives, although he has a feeling that no matter how exhausted he is when he gets there, he won’t be able to feel any of the tiredness.

howon pauses when they arrive at the passageway that leads into security. he turns to face sungyeol, and his best friend is looking back at him with some combination of exasperation, pride, and affection. “wish me luck,” howon says.

sungyeol snorts, yanking him forward into a hug and thumping his back fiercely. “you don’t need it, you cradlerobber.”

09:13 hoguma: r u up 09:18 jjongah: yeah 09:18 jjongah: we have today off 09:18 jjongah: skype? 09:20 hoguma: can u get the door first 09:20 jjongah: what 09:21 hoguma: get the door

when sungjong opens the door, he yells so loudly that howon has to push him into the room and close the door behind them before kissing him silent so that they don’t startle the entire floor. sungjong stares, open-mouthed at howon, nearly stuttering when he asks faintly what howon is doing here - in paris - when he had told sungjong just two days ago that he would be in jeju for a conference.

sungjong is still in thin, gray joggers and a black t-shirt. his hair is wet and messy, and howon is fairly sure that he’d just woken up an hour before howon had messaged him. howon himself had arrived near the middle of the night, getting to the airport hotel sometime early in the morning, showering, and eating quickly before driving into the city. he’d only slept on the plane, over twelve hours ago now, but he’s never felt more awake in his life.

howon answers without words what he flew out of the country for - he answers with a broad grin as he lowers himself onto one knee in front of the person he’s loved for the past ten years of his life and that he’ll love for hundreds more. he opens the box he’d brought all the way from their home, thousands of miles away, and he says, “i promise to follow you wherever you go, if you promise to always come home to me.”

something between a gasp and a sob slips past sungjong’s lips before he presses the back of his hand over his mouth, eyebrows furrowing like he’s determined not to cry even though that’s a fairly lost cause, in howon’s opinion, judging by the way the younger man’s eyes are already brimming. “will you marry me, lee sungjong?”

howon barely gets the entire name out before he’s being kissed within an inch of his life. the ring nearly goes flying out of howon’s hand from the force that sungjong throws himself forward with. howon lands flat on his back on the floor, toppling over with sungjong on top of him, dampness forming against the collar of howon’s shirt.

“yes,” sungjong whispers, leaning back and smiling, swiping at the wetness on his face with the back of his hand. howon catches the tears with his thumb. “yes,” sungjong repeats, louder, voice slightly hoarse before he dips in and covers howon’s mouth with his own.

#kktau #fic #hojong #i should have #never done this #why did i do this

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rhodopsins · 8 years

Text

only you (can melt me down)

howon/sungjong ; 4.0k

xii.

howon hates the shelter. he doesn’t remember what it’s like to be loved and to be wanted, what it’s like not to be woken up by the sharp rapping of his handler’s knuckles against the door. the shelter is a miserable place. none of the trainers and handlers there want to be there, and howon knows that whatever money they get from the government goes into their own pockets.

howon wakes up that morning as the sun rises. if he’s late, they’ll take away his food for breakfast and he’ll have to go hungry until dinner. he’d tried to make a case for himself, but the handlers had laughed in his face and asked him if he thought he was special. “you think you’re the only one who’s gone through that?” a woman he’d once thought was pretty had said, scoffing down at him. “go ask any of the other kids here what happened to them. you’ll see.”

he doesn’t talk to the other pets there, not even during the communal meals. there’s something lifeless about all of their gazes that makes him think that the woman’s comments really had merit to them, that makes him think that maybe what they’ve gone through is worse than what he’s been through. he’s tried to distance himself from it personally, tried to build up a personality as a wall around himself to prevent prying eyes from finding out too much about him, but it’s written in his file for anyone who wants to know to see.

howon stares at the ceiling, wondering when the breakfast call is going to be. they have thirty minutes in the morning for breakfast, thirty minutes at noon for lunch, thirty minutes in the evening for dinner, and then they’re done for the day. they’re allowed a shower once every other day, but other than that, there’s not much to do in his room other than to stare at the wall. rinse, wash, and repeat.

howon startles when there’s a loud banging on his door, different from the usual tap-tap-tap that he’s become accustomed to over time, and he scrambles to sit up when the director of the shelter, a man he’s only seen once in his life when he was brought in for the first time, opens the door. “get up, kid,” he barks. “someone wants you.”

he doesn’t have any personal belongings. the only thing he has with him is the shabby leather collar around his neck that the shelter had provided for him. when they’d brought him into the shelter just under three months ago, they’d asked him if he’d wanted to keep the collar around his neck. he’d almost laughed in their faces. the thought of keeping something that those people had put on him still makes his stomach turn over, but he’s used to it now and just clenches his teeth until he feels normal again.

the people who’ve bought him are a couple, and when he looks upwards into their eyes, the uncomfortable sensations in his stomach relax. he sees nothing in their gazes but warmth and openness. it’s different from the first time he’d been bought, when he’d felt a prickle of fear run down his spine when he’d looked at them. because he had been a ten year old at the time, and he had wondered what so many adults had wanted to do with him, and then he hadn’t had to think about it anymore.

“your name is howon, right?” the woman asks, letting go of the man beside her and bending down to be eye level with him. he nods, and she smiles. “do you want to come home with us?”

howon doesn’t have a choice. he doesn’t know if these people are genuine, if they’re kind, or if they’ll treat him as badly as the last people did. but he doesn’t have a choice, and anywhere would be better than the shelter, so he nods. he doesn’t see the shelter again.

xv.

sungjong is at school for most of the day. howon’s used to it by now, so for the ten hours from eight in the morning until six in the evening that sungjong’s not there, he wanders around the house. there isn’t a lot to do since the games he likes to play are more fun when he plays with sungjong. he could dance, he knows, but he prefers to dance when no one is home at all. so he goes downstairs to where sungjong’s mother is preparing dinner for the night.

he watches her mix together some seasonings for a few minutes before she notices him standing there, and she waves him over with the smile he’s learned to associate with warm meals and even warmer hearts. she passes him a bowl of carrots and a knife. “could you dice these for me, howon?”

he takes the carrots and the knife from her. “of course, mis— eomeoni.” he gives her a smile, and she returns it before going back to marinating the meat for tonight.

it’s only been three years that he’s been here, but she’d told him, very early on, that she hadn’t wanted to be called mistress and that her husband hadn’t wanted to be called master. after all, she’d explained, they had bought him to be a friend for sungjong, and they hadn’t felt comfortable at all with him referring to them like that. they had also told him that he wouldn’t have to call sungjong by anything other than his name if he didn’t want to. but he feels more conscientious of that than anything else, since sungjong is technically his master, so he’s refrained from calling sungjong by name. he’d blinked at her, not understanding what she had meant, until she had clarified and said that just calling her his mother would be fine.

howon knows that pets aren’t supposed to have mothers. he doesn’t even remember his own. in his childhood, he’d concocted up an image of someone who might’ve been his mother, once upon a time. she had been beautiful and kind, and she would sing to him in his dreams, and when he woke up in the mornings, she would be gone. he doesn’t think about childish things like that anymore, though.

he knows that it’s even worse for pets to call their owners anything but master and mistress, that if he’d even considered calling his previous owners with anything but the utmost respect, he would’ve been beaten so badly he wouldn’t have been able to walk the next day. he had wanted to die back then, had wondered what use there was in living a life that held nothing but pain and hurt for him, had prayed desperately every day that it would all end.

he’s glad that he’s here now, though. when he looks over at sungjong’s mother, he notices the wrinkles at the corners of her eyes that hadn’t been there years ago. he’s fifteen now, and he’s taller than she is now. he remembers how she’d had to bend down that time in the shelter years ago, but now, he can see the top of her head. as if she’s reading his thoughts, she looks over at him and says, “thank you for taking care of sungjong for so long. he’s rowdy, isn’t he?”

howon doesn’t know how to answer. if he’d been with anyone else, if he’d had any other owner, he’d have lowered his eyes and said, “no, mistress, not at all.” but he’s with sungjong and his family now, and so he grins at her with his teeth showing and he says, “he is, i don’t know how such a kid is related to someone as dignified as you are, eomeoni.”

she laughs, a loud and clear sound, and pats him on the shoulder after taking her gloves off. “you’ve grown up well, howon. you really have.” her hand lingers on his arm, and he knows that she feels where he’s been trying to bulk up by just doing push-ups and sit-ups. “howon,” she starts. “there’s an unused weight room in the house. that door at the end of the hallway by the laundry room? the previous owners of this place had it, but you can probably tell that sungjong and sungyu don’t use it. you’re free to, if you’d like.”

he stares at her, gratitude blossoming through his body. he doesn’t remember the last time anyone had done anything for him without expecting something in return. “i—” he chokes out. “i don’t know what to say.”

“you don’t have to say anything,” she says, and her eyes are honey-sweet and warm, and he knows from the sincerity in her voice that she means it without any reservations at all. “you’re family now.”

later, sungjong will get home and stand next to howon and his mother until she shoos them both away, and howon will let sungjong tell him about what happened that day at school and sungjong will listen as howon tells him what he’d done with his mother just before. they’ll play some games, and sungjong will read with howon for a bit before they go to bed, howon in the room next to sungjong’s bedroom. sungjong will lie in his own bed for a few minutes, just long enough for his parents to peek in to make sure that he’s sleeping, before he’ll dash over to howon’s room and curl up next to him. they’ll fall asleep like that until the morning comes, and the day will repeat again.

but for now—

family, howon thinks with a smile as he goes back to cutting the carrots. he likes the sound of that.

xviii.

howon isn’t stupid. he knows that sungjong watches him. he doesn’t kid himself into thinking that sungjong comes into the weight room with a book for no reason. sungjong’s parents have been more than generous to him, and every time he says that he doesn’t need any more equipment, that the old ones are good enough for him, he finds a newer model of the same thing there the next day. “i think my parents like you more than they like me,” sungjong jokes once, poking howon in the thigh to let him know that he’s just kidding.

howon doesn’t think sungjong is kidding now, not when he can feel the weight of sungjong’s eyes on him as clearly as a touch on his skin. he’s been doing this for weeks now. whenever sungjong doesn’t have anything to do, and even when he does have things to do, he brings his books and his papers to read for school and he sits, quiet and unmoving, on the ground next to the wall. howon doesn’t talk to him when he’s working out. it would ruin his concentration, but more than that, he knows that if he even considers the thought that sungjong is right there in the room with him, he’ll start thinking about things he really shouldn’t be thinking about.

he doesn’t sleep with sungjong anymore. he’d had to kick sungjong out after sungjong had started growing into his features, after sungjong’s eyes had sharpened and his lips had started to fill out. it had started to get too uncomfortable sleeping with sungjong when sungjong always threw a leg around howon’s hips and wrapped his arms around howon’s torso, when howon always woke up with sungjong’s breath against his neck and sungjong’s hair tickling his face. he knows that as a pet, he’s not supposed to, but at this point, he doesn’t think that anything will happen to him if he disobeys just this one rule. but he can’t bring himself to do anything, so he just lies awake and thinks of too-small rooms and too-large hands on him, and before he knows it, he doesn’t feel as uncomfortable anymore.

sungjong always leaves around an hour after he comes into the room. every time, the slam of the door is louder than howon expects, and today, it’s no different. once he finishes his last rep, howon looks over at where sungjong had been sitting, and for the first time, he notices that there’s a water bottle there. howon pauses before bending down to pick it up. he thinks at first that sungjong might’ve left it behind, but there’s a note written on the label of the bottle in marker.

pets like him don’t learn to read. sungjong teaches him every day. they’d started out with learning to read words first, but now, they’ve moved on to reading books every day after sungjong gets home. he was never one of those expensive pets, those that he knows are delicate and bend at their master’s slightest whim. he supposes that pets like that don’t ever go through a single day of hardship, not when their lives are filled with simply pleasing their masters. he shakes his head. he has to concentrate.

remember to eat! don’t exhaust yourself! talk to me if you need to! sungjong’s drawn a frowny face at the end of the message, and howon suddenly feels a twinge of guilt. he hasn’t talked to sungjong in a while. he knows that sungjong must think that it’s his fault, but it isn’t. it’s howon’s own fault that he can’t control himself when he’s around sungjong. he’ll talk to sungjong tonight, if sungjong has time. he forces those thoughts out of his head for now. just three more reps, and he’ll be done.

sungjong is in bed when howon drops by his room that night. he’s finished helping sungjong’s mother wash the dishes, and although she tells him that she doesn’t need his help, he knows that she’s grateful. sungjong is busy studying for school, and sungyu is studying to get into high school, and howon knows that she doesn’t want to interrupt either of their routines. “take this upstairs for sungjong when you go, okay?” she says, handing him a bowl of oranges, and he does.

“what’s that?” sungjong asks, sitting upright in bed once howon pushes the door open even more. he has his laptop in front of him, and howon thinks that he might be working on an assignment. but sungjong closes his laptop right away, and his eyes fix immediately on the bowl in howon’s hands. “is that for me?”

“it’s from your mother,” howon says, stepping into the room and closing the door behind him. he steps closer to the bed, and sungjong makes room for him, scooting over to the side. howon hesitates before getting on. “won’t this stain the sheets? master?”

“not if we’re careful,” sungjong says, his lips curling at the edges in a way that makes howon’s heart leap. he pats the space next to him. “come here, howon, i haven’t seen your face in years.”

they sit in silence just eating, and howon realizes that he’s missed this. he’s missed the way sungjong looks at him whenever he talks to him, the way sungjong leans into him to see him better. he’s doing well in school, sungjong says. he’s in his first year of high school right now, and howon would be more worried if he didn’t already know how good sungjong is at making friends. “i have one now,” sungjong says almost shyly, looking down at the blanket before looking back up at howon. his eyes are big underneath his lashes. “his name is myungsoo. he’s nice. i think you two would be good friends.”

pets don’t have friends. pets can only have masters. but somehow, howon feels something that he can’t quite put a name to yet pulling at his heartstrings, and if he were someone like sungjong and not a pet, he’d say that it was jealousy. but he stares down at his hands and says, stiffly, “i think so, too,” before he takes the empty bowl and slips out of bed. he tries to calm the beating of his heart before he goes downstairs to put the bowl in with the dirty dishes, and he pretends that he hadn’t seen the way sungjong’s face had looked when he’d closed the door.

xxv.

howon knows, as soon as the door of their apartment opens with an almost violent ferocity in the middle of the day, five hours before sungjong gets off of work, that sungjong knows. sungjong had moved out as soon as he’d started university, and he’d taken howon with him. howon looks down at the weights in his hands, and he waits for sungjong to open the door of their bedroom, waits for the confrontation that he knows is going to happen.

sungjong appears then, strangely beautiful in his anger, and howon notices with an almost detached air that he’s still in his work clothes. he must’ve run here from the prosecutor’s office, then. he wonders how sungjong had found out. maybe he’s seen the video. maybe he won’t want howon anymore.

“why didn’t you tell me?” sungjong chokes out when he sees howon sitting there on the ground by the bed. he sinks to his knees in front of howon, burying his face into his hands, and howon realizes that he’s crying. there are tears streaking down sungjong’s cheeks, and howon thinks that sungjong shouldn’t waste his tears on him. he leans forward, his hands fisting into howon’s tank top. “why didn’t you tell me?”

howon looks at the wall behind sungjong. he looks anywhere but down at sungjong’s face, because he knows that if he sees sungjong’s eyes, he’ll lose all of the resolve he’s spent the past thirteen years he’s been building up. “are you disgusted, master?” he asks instead, and sungjong’s head jerks upwards.

“no, never,” sungjong whispers. “why would you say something like that? i want to kill them, howon, not you—never you. it’s not your fault those sick fucks got their hands on you.”

it’s howon’s turn to stare at sungjong. sungjong is almost always mild, preferring to talk things out before resorting to yelling, and this is the first time he’s seen sungjong like this in nearly thirteen years. but there’s one thing he wants to know and doesn’t want to know at the same time, and he decides to ask. “master, how did you find out? about it?”

sungjong moves closer to howon, and he hadn’t known how reassuring a touch could be before the moment sungjong puts his hands gingerly on howon’s face. sungjong’s gaze drops, and howon knows that he’s thinking when he’s quiet for a long time. “my friend. he found it in the files that were recovered from— you remember that trial, right? the one i told you about? and they didn’t know who it was, but i saw— i saw that birthmark on your thigh. and i knew it was you. i’m sorry.”

that means people have seen it. howon’s face burns with shame before sungjong squeezes howon’s face again. “howon, no, don’t be like that. it’s not your fault, it wasn’t your fault that happened to you.” sungjong’s voice is getting higher and higher, and howon keeps staring at him. of all of the scenarios he’d expected every time he’d lie awake at night after a nightmare imagining, acceptance hadn’t been one of them.

then a thought seems to cross sungjong’s mind, and he lets go of howon almost violently. he claps his hands over his mouth, and his eyes are suddenly wide and round when they fix on howon’s. “howon,” he says, and his voice is barely even a whisper now. “did i force you?”

howon knows what he’s thinking about, when sungjong had asked to kiss howon after a lifetime of howon gently refusing. sungjong had leaned in close, so close that howon could see the mole on his nose, and when howon had breathed out a soft “yes,” sungjong had leaned in to close the distance between them. the first time sungjong had slipped his hand underneath howon’s shorts after they’d kissed in sungjong’s bed for what had felt like an hour, howon had frozen and grabbed sungjong’s wrist. he hadn’t known before then, that being touched could ever feel good, that being touched could ever feel anything but immensely painful.

then sungjong had pulled back and told howon to look at him, to keep looking at him, and that sungjong would take care of howon’s problem for him. he had nearly fallen off of the bed at the feeling of sungjong’s hands on him, so soft but yet firm at the same time, and when he’d come, the world had exploded in front of him. he’d laid there in the aftershocks of it all, his thighs trembling and his entire body covered in sweat, and he’d looked over at where sungjong was looking at him and sungjong had asked, a hint of worry in his face, “was that good?”

he’s learned since then. he’s learned what makes sungjong run his nails down howon’s back so that there’ll be red marks over his shoulders and back the next day, what makes sungjong tighten his legs around howon’s waist to draw him in closer, what makes sungjong bury his hands into howon’s hair and tug at it. he’s spent the last few years mapping out each one of sungjong’s expressions and reactions, and he considers it a win on his part whenever sungjong can’t speak afterwards, whenever sungjong can only pull howon back down to him to turn in for the night.

howon doesn’t think that sungjong could ever want something howon doesn’t want, and he knows the shock must show on his face because sungjong’s face crumples. “i’m so sorry,” sungjong murmurs. “i didn’t think— i was being selfish— i’m so sorry, howon, i made your life even worse.”

“master, no,” howon says quickly, pulling sungjong back to him. “it’s all in the past now. they can’t hurt me anymore, not when i’m with you.” he smiles at sungjong, hoping that he’ll understand that being taken from that shelter was what turned his life around so many years ago. he wouldn’t have understood how beautiful life could’ve been, how much joy he could’ve felt just from one person, without that. “you’ve made my life even better, please don’t say things about yourself like that.”

sungjong doesn’t look convinced, and howon leans in so he can kiss sungjong over his eyelids, on the mole on his nose, on his cheeks, at the corner of his lips. sungjong’s cheeks are wet, and howon reaches up to brush it away with his thumb. his fingers linger over sungjong’s cheeks. “you should’ve told me,” sungjong mutters, a little petulantly now, and howon grins at the tone of his voice.

“i didn’t want you to give me back to the shelter,” howon says, and sungjong drops his head against howon’s chest. his suit is going to be wrinkled later, howon knows, and he’s going to blame howon for it, and he’s going to tell howon to iron it for him again, and sungjong will end up doing it all himself as always.

“i would never give you back to the shelter,” sungjong says, muffled against howon’s tank top, and howon laughs, the low and rumbling laugh that sungjong calls his old man laugh. “idiot.”

that, of course, leads to howon pushing sungjong down onto the ground, and he watches the way sungjong’s hair fans out around his face. “i was scared,” sungjong whispers, reaching upwards to tangle in howon’s hair again. “because you were so small.”

howon swallows. “i know. but it’s over now. and you’re here.” he brushes his thumb over sungjong’s cheekbones, and sungjong leans into the touch, closing his eyes before taking howon’s hand and kissing his palm lightly.

“i’ll always be here for you,” sungjong says, looking at howon from the corner of his eyes. “idiot.”

that’s right, howon thinks, as sungjong tugs him downwards, sungjong has always been there for him, always has and always will be, and he wonders just how he could’ve forgotten.

#petau #hojong

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v-le · 7 years

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Kmusic: My Decade-Long Journey with Kpop

Foreword: I had been working on this post for a few weeks now, in between university and everything else. In the middle of its composition, Kim Jonghyun of SHINee passed away and shocked the world. I, too, was appalled, and I don’t think I will ever properly recover from his death. I want to dedicate this post to him. This story is about how kpop has grown with me in life. This story defines everything I have ever thought or felt about kpop and that now, very much includes Jonghyun’s passing. 수고했어, 종현아.

Book 1

I can’t really recall it, but the very first kpop song I’ve ever listened to was either “Nobody” by Wonder Girls, “Genie” by SNSD, or “Gee” by SNSD. I was about seven years old around then. My cousin had shown my sister these songs and she, too, quickly got swept into the music. For the first years of this exposure, I had heard a myriad of songs ranging from Super Junior’s “Sorry Sorry”, SHINee’s “Replay” & “Ring Ding Dong” & “Lucifer”, Taeyang’s “Wedding Dress”, Big Bang’s “Gara Gara Go”, Infinite’s “BTD” & “She’s Back”, 2NE1’s “Fire” and many many manyyyy more. These songs would waft out of my sister’s speakers whenever I was using my computer next to her’s in the computer room. And during those first years, I flat out hated these songs. I didn’t understand anything they were saying. They sounded obnoxious. And these boys that my sister was obsessed with weren’t even that good looking. I can recall that she was specifically infatuated with Donghae of SJ during that time. I can also recall going as far as to mock some of these songs, especially “She’s Back” by repeating “cheese pack” in an annoying tone back to her. Despite my detest for kpop during these several years, I unknowingly picked up a lot of knowledge on it. I could name many groups and recognize many of their songs, all from the fact that my sister played so much of it and I had seen her computer screen many times. Nonetheless, I complained to my mom, that I didn’t understand why she listened to that stuff when she couldn’t even understand it. My mom had told me that it was totally fine, it’s simply about the beat of the music, and that you didn’t have to understand it to like it. I remember feeling a little upset because she defended my sister. All in all, during these years of premature kpop exposure, I was petty, unrelenting, and simply immature. I didn’t like kpop.

Book 2

I remember for some reason, reasons unknown, one day when I was at my friend’s house in 5th grade, I decided to show my friends “Ring Ding Dong” for fun. I remember a few days before that, I had watched the “Wedding Dress” MV for the first time on my own and I cried, too. During these next months, my pettiness towards kpop began to dampen and I started to get pretty good at recognizing groups and songs, and maybe even some faces. The only issue was that I tried immensely hard, as if my life depended on it, to not let my sister see what I was up to. I knew that I would receive massive backlash from her, for being such a hypocrite. So throughout 5th grade and a little bit of 6th, I started to dip my toes in a little, into the infinitely large pool that is kpop. I slowly and secretly, grew minuscule fondness for some songs, but not enough to want to add them to my music library. I kinda liked kpop.

Book 3

In the early days of middle school, a really good friend of mine loved Super Junior to death. Another friend of mine listened to some kpop, but only a little bit here and there. One day they showed me a song from LEDApple and I can officially say that they were the first group I completely fell for. LEDApple had such a different, dynamic and unique vibe to them, that I almost felt like I had triumphed over my sister. I had found and enjoyed a group that she probably did not know at all, and their music was actually really really really good. Personal favorites include “Time’s Up” and “Someone Met By Chance”. Much later, they released “Sadness” and I was even happier with that song. I quickly learned the names of all the members and I considered them my favorite group of all time. LEDApple was my introduction into this “fangirling” gig that kpoppers lowkey highkey have to keep up with. With LEDApple, I learned:

How to memorize members

That MV meant “music video”

How to watch every single video of them that existed on youtube (although for them, it was minimal because they were so unknown)

That subbers were a thing, and for specific groups, too

How to watch variety shows of them

How to memorize birthdays

That Koreans have a different age system than internationally

That they wear excessive makeup

And much, much, much more

I would consider LEDApple to be my “first” for everything. I really did cherish them as a group, along with their music, and I slowly learned the do’s and dont’s of kpop during this phase. More than LEDApple though, I quickly became even more aware of more groups and songs, and I started to favor some more than others too. I liked kpop.

Book 4

My love for LEDApple started to dwindle as I discovered and started to really like more groups like MBLAQ, Big Bang, SHINee, SNSD, B.A.P, B1A4 and especially Infinite. I completely fell for Infinite as I listened to songs like “Paradise”, “Be Mine”, and “Can U Smile”. And yes, as I listened to more of their discography, I recognized some songs as the ones my sister had played in the past as well. Then, they released the Chaser and it was game set from there. I remember searching up Infinite’s profiles, comparing the images with their MVs and matching their names with their faces. I remember when I first saw Woohyun in Be Mine, I thought that he looked like Harry Shum Jr. AHAH how wrong I was…. I also remember struggling a little bit because the profile pictures I used were from their debut, with their slicked back hair and white button shirts and suspenders :’). Soon enough, I became very familiar with everything Infinite-related and I eventually claimed them to be my favorite group of all time (and to this day, they have remained as so). I really liked kpop.

Book 5

This book becomes a little hard to explain, simply because I feel like my emotions seemed to be mundane externally, but inside, I know that they were deep with a sort of affection that words can never fully explain. My love for Infinite was immense, driven, and completely pure. I did not have a favorite member, because no really, I just couldn’t choose one. All their songs were absolutely amazing; Infinite taught me how to fall in love with even the non-title track songs. Their entire discography is the only discography of any artists that I know like the back of my hand. Their choreography was always on point; they prided in being 99.9% synchronized with knife-like moves. I really, truly thought that they were all handsome in their own, unique way. Their personalities were genuine and interactions were always hilarious and the brotherhood between the boys ran as deep as blood. Their early days were the brightest ones that I can recall, and I am so grateful to have watched them develop since. They were extremely relevant within the industry, and “The Chaser” lifted them to even newer heights. I clearly remember their 2nd anniversary as well. I remember thinking to myself, that they were “SO YOUNG!!”, with Sungjong being just 18 years old at that time (which is exactly how old I am now, YIKES). Awaiting a comeback after The Chaser era was definitely an eventful one because I was so expectant and excited and it was the first (of many) that I experienced as a full-fledged fan. It took them nearly a year, but they eventually returned with “Man in Love”, and then “Destiny” immediately afterwards, and then on November 11th, 2013, I had the miraculous blessing to see them live in concert. It was my first concert ever and it was during their first world tour, as mere 3-year idols. 2013 was a year of big feats for Infinite and it all really was just a blessing. A mere five months later, I would again, see them, at the LA Kpop Festival on April 12th, 2014. Boy, was it a time to be alive as an Inspirit. During these few years, everything I did, in my life, really did revolve around them. My school projects, artwork, everything, had to relate to Infinite somehow. I made poems about them, I had collected a total of 24 posters of them on my wall, and I had also racked up physical copies of their albums, my first one being Infinitize on July 29th of 2012. When they posted fan events like the Infinite Love Letter Contest, and when the members used Google+ and when every little thing happened, I was there, and I was supporting them endlessly. As I transitioned into high school, Infinite released more and more things, and my love for them never dwindled, even for a second. When I went through rough times, in all the ways imaginable, Infinite was always there. In the beginning, I had made folders for photos of each member, otps, and the complete group on my computer. I even named the OT7 pictures folder “What I Live For ~”. My passwords all had to do with Infinite. I named all my devices like my computer and such “IFNT7”. The phrase “My love is Infinite” was my favorite of all time. Just the sight of some colors translated into Infinite to me. Every. Little. Thing. My heart belonged to Infinite more than ever. I loved and cherished them, and still do (but maybe not as blatantly), with a burning passion. And not just them, but I really did like other groups like ZE:A and T-ARA to name a few, during these times, but Infinite truly meant the world to me. I loved kpop, especially Infinite.

Book 6

During those fangirl days, I was not completely blinded by love to a point where I was oblivious to the future; rather, I was apprehensive in a way in which I knew that when I got “older”, I “wouldn’t love them as much”. I didn’t doubt that I wouldn’t stop listening to kpop, but I knew that i couldn’t be a diehard fangirl forever. And so, around 2015 ish is when school started to kick my butt, and i really did completely disconnect. Disclaimer though: I was still endlessly thankful for and in love with Infinite. I was so proud of them no matter what, and I supported them from the sidelines with a burning heart. In fact, despite the fact that the amount of attention I dedicated to them decreased, my love for them grew nonetheless. I was so so so thankful that they were just alive, whole, and still doing music. Together. However, I was physically and mentally incapable of keeping up to date with everything, not only Infinite-related, but kpop-related, during that time. I had realized that this was probably time to prioritize things in my life, and not feel so obliged to the whole kpop thing anymore. And so, with Infinite, I tried my best, but of course I did not try hard enough. I did enough to keep up with kpop releases and such, but that was about it. I had no time for shows and small activities and interviews, and all the things that I was an expert on in the past. I no longer had time to check thru all the infinite tumblr blogs I had bookmarked. Instead, I began to turn to the simpler things, as in the music. I realized that if there was one thing that was worthy of putting effort into, it was the music. I began to only care about the music that the kpop industry was churning out. And let me just say, that during this time was probably the beginning of the death of 2nd generation kpop as well. I started to dislike the style of music that Kpop was turning towards, and I noticed how saturated it was with random groups that couldn’t even leave a mark. I also noticed its immense rise in overall popularity: Kpop was becoming more and more mainstream at a rapid rate, and I was having none of it. Instead, I began to venture into k-indie, acoustic, soul, and simply put, healing songs. I turned to artists like Eddy Kim, Davichi, Baek Jiyoung, Kim Feel, Echae En Route, Roy Kim (one my truest loves), Ggotjam Project, Clazziquai Project, Urban Zakapa, Kassy, Fromm, and many, many, many more. I have had the blessing to watch these almost-nobody artists grow, release more music, gain a tad bit more recognition, and simply become even more amazing than they already were back when I discovered them at their early stages. (Sam Kim would debut later, in 2016, and blow me away as well. In fact, all the Antenna Angels). The music from these artists, kept me alive in a similar, yet different way, than Infinite had in years past. I didn’t need to know their faces or ages or personalities or honestly, anything, about them, to feel instantaneously better. These artists and their songs were healing, in a way where the only thing that truly mattered, was their voice.

A quick story about Kim Feel, who has come to be my all time favorite artist whom I would die for: I came across a song from Younha called 없어, and it blew me away. It was gorgeous. A hip hop duo, named Elupant featured in this song and I simply became aware of their name through this track. A few months later, Elupant would release the single Crater featuring. Kim Feel. I gave the song a chance because I vaguely knew of them, and I was once again, blown away. I did not know who this vocalist, Kim Feel, was, but I knew that he was indescribably amazing at singing, and something about his voice was just so different. For months, I wouldn’t even know what Kim Feel looked like. I barely knew that he was a singer because I had only seen his name from that one song, and his WIkipedia page didn’t even exist at that time. Then, in mid-June of 2015, I saw somewhere on Facebook that Kim Feel was releasing his first mini album, and that’s when I finally got some decent exposure to him. I finally saw what he looked like, how he placed second on SSK5, and how he had released several singles here and there in the past. His mini album, Feel Free, was everything I didn’t know I wanted, and I loved it to death. Later, he would go on to perform on Immortal Songs 2 and literally make me cry ugly tears from just one performance. Kim Feel is an artist that I got to know and fall in love solely through his voice and music and nothing else. That is the true beauty about singer-songwriters. He is an absolutely amazing artist and has come to be my most cherished one. Unfortunately, he is currently serving in the army right now, but my soul will always belong to Kim Feel and his music.

I didn’t really like kpop anymore.

Book 7

I want this part of my story to simply be about my current thoughts on kpop, in this moment in time, over a decade after first being exposed to this entire culture. In this book, I will pick apart the sort of darker sides in the Korean pop music industry, which are easily overlooked amidst the fervor of fans and idols and flashing lights. This is a perspective that I have come to hone throughout years of observance and trials and growth, and simply maturing into an adult alongside the ever-changing industry itself. My view of kpop has come to change in a way in which I no longer support several aspects of it. There are simply things that go on within the industry that I want nothing to deal with. Things that I have may have enjoyed in the past are now things that I do not need in my life any longer. Please remember that kpop goes beyond music and idols. It is a lifestyle. For many people, it is a way of living about their daily lives: listening to their favorite group’s music, watching countless videos and shows of them, keeping up with their daily whereabouts and activities, knowing their birthdays and family members and personal details, and simply associating themselves with their favorite group in any way possible, as much as possible. For many kpop fans, it goes beyond liking a group’s music: it is liking their looks, personalities, habits, style, affiliations, it is liking everything. It is true that this isn’t the case for nearly every fan in kpop, but I think it is safe to say that it is a common practice amongst many kpop fans. People come to live for these groups, but of course, there is nothing wrong with that. No one knows how to breathe and wake up every day and live for a kpop group better than I do. But I want to make one very important point clear: Kpop is a market and everything is a concept. Now, let me elaborate a little bit more.

1) It is a factory.

I do not recall it being this bad in the past, but nowadays, I can say for sure that groups are debuting left and right, nonstop, almost every week, or even every day. It’s just too much. Too saturated. Talent is exploited.

2) Most of these kids lack talent.

I know that every single new rookie isn’t completely talent-less, but in such a relentless industry, and especially nowadays with the sheer amount of people trying to break through, all these girls and boys look the exact same to me. Long ago, I gave up on getting into and keeping track of rookies. I decided that they I preferred my golden groups, the ones that defined that my own kpop era, and that they were the only ones I really had time for anyway. I am not saying this applies to all of them, because of course there are always exceptions. Take the latest show, The UNIT, for example. These people are supposed to be already debuted idols, looking for another shot at fame. Yet, the most jarring thing I noticed, especially with the females, is that they can’t even sing. Is that not a basic? These girls were out there on stage belting flat notes left and right and it was atrocious. It blew my mind, because even on P101, trainees who haven’t even had “experience” like those idols had, could sing significantly better. I don’t remember when the standard to become an idol dropped so low, but it is outright disappointing to me. For me personally, a nice face or some cool dance moves or a wholesome personality is not going to make you worthy of being an idol. You have to be a performer. And if you can’t even accomplish the basics, as in pull off the right notes, then why even try?

3) There is a lack of self-expression.

This is something that could be argued from several angles, and I am glad to agree that the stereotype has been changing more and more these days, towards a better direction. But if we are to speak straight from the debut days of Boyfriend or Infinite, or even SNSD for example, then the story is a little bit less complicated. It is simple: many of these groups are forced to do things that they do not necessarily want to or choose to do. Although it varies, almost every aspect of these people’s lives is controlled by their companies. The songs they sing, the dances that they dance to, the clothes they wear, the places they go to, the food they eat, the people they have to meet, and sometimes, even the things they say. These are very frequently not 100% under the artists’ complete control. And that is simply… pretty hard to grasp, but certainly true in most situations. Hence the “everything is a concept”. Because it really is. Many of the things that these artists do are a part of a concept that they must pull off, an image that they must present to the public, whether that is their true self or not, little do we ever know. Hoya’s talk about his departure from Infinite and Woollim does a really good job of exposing this sort of culture that goes on behind the scenes. Of course, nowadays at least, many artists are receiving more musical freedom and even the opportunity to partake in the very creation and composition of their own music.

4) Kpop idols are HUMAN.

This is one that I want to emphasize as if my life depends on it. Time and time again, I think the fact that kpop idols are human is something that people seem to completely disregard. I have never seen a fanbase as cruel and scrutinizing as the kpop fanbase. It almost downright scares me. Sasaeng fans are a reality that I wish did not exist, because they are just so rude, inconsiderate, and intense. Those manic, excessive fans really make me fear for idols’ wellbeing. Furthermore, there are so, so, soooo many incidents in which a Korean artist would do this or do that or say this or that and the situation is completely, totally, blown out of proportion. I have read articles about complaints that made absolutely no sense. I want to make this clear: Nobody's perfect, and neither are kpop stars. They will make mistakes, more than once if anything. But how, in the world, in any universe, does that give people permission to write hate comments at them? To bash on every little thing about them? To write petitions for them to leave their respective groups completely? Why do people think that is okay? Why do people not understand that, just like you and me, and anyone else, kpop stars have feelings. Is that so hard to believe? That no matter how small of a word or phrase you use to hurt them, you are instilling hate regardless. And that is not okay. It is never okay. Because they are human. The world, fans, no one, will never really know what is going on in an idol’s life. I do not want to make this part solely about Kim Jonghyun, but I think it is only right to mention him here. It was stated time and time again that Jonghyun was suffering from severe depression, to an extent where he took his own life. And the entire kpop world fell into complete shambles since then. Does this make it more transparent for everyone? That hate comments, that inner feelings and emotions, that all of these things are very real aspects of idols’ lives. It is so extremely hard, for me personally, to watch these idols become decreased to shoddy titles and names over the smallest of incidents. The hate needs to stop. Kpop idols are humans. Please.

5) The exhaustive work schedules.

This basically stems from the whole humanizing kpop idols thing. But I absolutely despise of the fact that is it common for idols to faint on stage, become hospitalized for over-exhaustion, or take breaks to recover. I have one simple question: Why do we have to work them until they reach that point? Are their bodies and capabilities expendable objects or something? Why is it okay? Why is it common for crying out loud? These people are literally worked to their limit, for several weeks on end. Once again, I’d like to point out that they are not invincible gods with undying strength. They are humans. There just has to be something done about the ridiculous work schedules that these people have to deal with. It just is not okay.

6) Companies are milking fans for their money.

This one is a big statement. It is not necessarily completely true for every single company, but it is definitely not wrong in any way at all. Think about why a company would start up a group in the first place. To give these hard working people a chance in the limelight out of generosity because they totally deserve it? No, of course not lol. There is a win-win situation within a lot of these groups, or at least the more successful ones. They earn lots and lots of money, a large portion of which goes straight to company, while also becoming famous and etc etc everything else they’ve always wanted. But companies are playing a game at the same time, marketing these groups to any extent possible. Ever wonder why groups frequently venture into the Japanese market? Ever wonder why groups have to release 4952548 different versions of one simple album (which is totally a newer-generation-of-kpop trend. groups in the past never did this)? Ever wonder why Lee Soo Man purposely created a multicultural group when it probably would’ve been much easier to just make a purely Korean one? Everything in the kpop industry, and I mean everything comes down to money. That is the reality of it. It is a market.

6) The music no longer sounds like kpop to me.

With the massive rise to global stardom that a lot of current day groups have acquired has come the musical shift into which, in my opinion, the overall sound of kpop is very much more westernized. Many groups are following the trend of releasing music that is edm, trap, tropical house, dupstep, etc -oriented. And for me, I’m not digging it. I fell in love with kpop because of sounds like Big Bang’s and Infinite’s older music. But now, the music is so completely different. A lot of these songs honestly just sound like something I would hear playing on the American radio. Which may just be the goal anyway. But for me, if kpop just sounds like everything else now, why would I listen to it? I originally liked it because it was different, and didn’t sound like everything else I was already hearing. But now it just does. Sigh.

7) There has been a complete generation shift.

This is something that I talk about extensively to my friends and peers. I’d like to say that it is something that I am very passionate about. There isn’t a day in which a part of me isn’t internally mourning about the death of my kpop generation. I think the generational shift becomes more and more apparent as time goes by: look at the groups that were active 5 years ago, and compare them to now. Are any of them even the same? Probably not. And that sort of reality pains me a lot. I understand that it’s simply about growth, getting over it, and moving on. But I’ll always reminisce from time to time. Here are the groups that defined my generation of kpop, and what happened to them:

Big Bang: indefinite hiatus (TOP is in the army, w/ the others well on their way)

SHINee: active (this one breaks my heart even more because not only did I constantly commend SHINee for staying whole and active, despite their apparent downfall in popularity and relevance, I was just always thankful for their undying perseverance as an older generation group. The loss of Jonghyun completely broke my heart because it was a reality I never wanted to believe in. I’m still in shock and it really does hurt to think how SHINee’s name will now forever go down in tragedy rather than legendary)

SNSD: indefinite hiatus (this one is a little hazy. It has been stated that the name of SNSD lives on, despite the members being in different companies. A sliver of hope remains for them)

2NE1: disbanded (first they lost Minzy, and then they completely fell apart)

LEDApple: disbanded (or at least i think so?? The members moved around all over the place and I’m pretty sure no one is left)

2PM: indefinite hiatus (Taec is in the army, while the others are doing their own thang for now. I have faith that they’ll return as 6 one day, though. Fight on, 2PM <3)

B1A4: active (i got to see them in feb, too, bless up)

ZE:A: indefinite hiatus (all the members are in separate companies. Minwoo & Taeheon returned from the army already while Kwanghee, Heechul, and Siwan are currently serving. The rest have been doing their own things as well. In fact, Kevin resides in Australia now. They have stated several times that despite being in different places and companies, the group has not officially disbanded yet. It warms my heart to think that there is still hope for them.)

U-KISS: active (they lost Kevin and AJ and Dongho in the year past and I know they’re still managing to stay alive with the addition of Jun as well)

Teen Top: hiatus (L.Joe was caught up in some messy legal stuff with his company and seemed to have left the industry as a whole in a rather ugly way… it definitely hurt to watch this pan out in the way that it did… nonetheless, Teen Top is basically still irrelevant anyway, despite the multiple comebacks they’ve had in years past.)

4Minute: disbanded (;__;)

Super Junior: active (this is such a blessing, honestly, to have Super Junior alive and active, despite alllllll the shit they’ve been through these past years. I know they’re definitely on the older side, but these guys are absolute legends and it makes me so happy to see them still together, even if just partially)

f(x): indefinite hiatus (their last release was in 2015 which means it’s almost been 3 freaking years since we last saw them active as 4, after Sulli’s departure. Wow… I really do hope to see them soon)

Apink: active (but barely relevant…They were also once 7, until Yookyung left in 2012, I believe.)

Girls Day: active (but not as relevant as they were before, either. Their recent, occasional releases have been decent, but not good enough to be big. They also technically lost a member before, too.)

BEAST: active as Highlight (They lost Hyunseung, and then they all left Cube. Miraculously, these boys kept themselves afloat and even established their own label together, as five. I am honestly so happy for what they have accomplished and even though it sucks that we’ll never hear the name BEAST in same way or affiliation anymore, these five guys are still going strong. I think they proved to me that they really do enjoy being idols, which is kinda rare considering how long they’ve been active in the industry)

VIXX: active (and probably one of the most relevant idols out of this list)

Miss A: disbanded (it was unclear for a while, but also pretty obvious because each member went their separate way. But JYP recently declared their disbandment official)

Sistar: disbanded (they were active for exactly 7 years, debuting and disbanding on the same exact day. This one definitely hurt)

BAP: active (they took a long hiatus somewhere in between, but it was well-deserved considering how ridiculously active they were back then. They still come back quite often nowadays, but it is unfortunately safe to say that they no longer leave the same impact as they did years before)

KARA: disbanded (despite adding Youngji after Nicole and Jiyoung left, they couldn’t last long enough. this one also hurt because of how spot-on their music always was for me.)

MBLAQ: indefinite hiatus (the name itself still lives on, and they never officially declared disbandment. but MBLAQ is probably one of the only groups that will go down in pure tragedy in my heart because I really did, truly, love them to death at one point. The departure of Lee Joon and Thunder threw this group into shambles and they barely managed to come back once as a trio, until their company disintegrated before our eyes and screwed them over even more. These boys used to be top of the top, dominating the industry in every way possible, musically and in variety shows, too. But lately, in fact, not even that recently, G.O. had taken to his personal social media to reveal the mistreatment and basically the complete shit they had to go through as idols. He was utterly traumatized by his experiences in the industry, to a point where he never wanted to sing again. But he talked about how the other 2 members gave him strength, as well as the few fans that were left to support him. MBLAQ literally dissolved into ashes right before my eyes, yet no one, and I mean no one, has been talking about this. They honestly just went through so much and have lost a lot as well. It hurt so bad to watch such an amazing group fall apart so fast, without even making a sound. Fuck the industry.)

Wonder Girls: disbanded (these legendary girls first faced the departure of Sun, and then Sohee. Sunmi was added into the mix after a very long hiatus, but they lasted for about 2 years until they officially disbanded)

T-Ara: indefinite hiatus (this group has faced a ferocious path of ups and downs. First with Hwayoung, and her departure, then with Areum and her departure as well, and then the very sudden departure of Soyeon and Boram. The four remaining members have decided to not renew their contracts with their current agency, but it is unclear if T-Ara still really exists at all at this point.)

Block B: active (and thankfully pretty relevant, I think)

Boyfriend: hiatus (Donghyun is on the Unit right now. I know they haven’t been super active in the past years, but when they tried, it was lackluster. They’ve definitely lost a lot of the momentum they once had years ago :( )

After School: indefinite hiatus (so many members have “graduated” in the past years, that only five are left now. I honestly can’t recall the last time they released music, but I can tell it’s been a very long time…)

CN Blue: active (but unfortunately very irrelevant anyway. They celebrated their 8th anniversary recently though! Congrats (: )

Rainbow: disbanded (so so so sad…)

Infinite: active (bless the heavens. Hoya’s departure shattered my world and I was admittedly a sobbing mess for several days on end. But their impending comeback is going to warm my heart and ears, I just know it. It’s been a good one whole year and a third since I last saw them come back. I have definitely missed their once steadfast presence. Welcome back, my loves <3 )

Welp, that was quite refreshing, to take a quick peek at the histories of these groups that once defined my middle school years. It definitely hurts to count how many times I had to write “disbanded” or “indefinite hiatus” because of how unclear and shaky a lot of these groups’ futures look. It has been pretty obvious for a while, that with the progressive crumbling of this once sturdy, strong, and seemingly invincible gang of groups, a new era of groups has been ushered in to take center stage and render the rest of the once-legends weak and irrelevant. Groups that used to make headlines on the daily basis and smash charts consistently are now barely hanging onto existence in the industry. It is quite painful to watch. There are many times where I just want to go back to those days where the names and faces and songs that were “mainstream” were the ones that I could actually recognize and enjoy. Now, it is quite the opposite. Adieu, my generation of kpop.

I just really don’t like kpop anymore. (but I still like Korean music! :) )

#kmusic #kpop #korean pop music #the untold story #this took a really time tbh #but it has been on my mind a lot #maybe this is like my final farewell to my once beloved kpop days aha #it will always hold a special place in my heart #but ive just kinda moved on from that phase #it's just not the same #but at least infinite is coming back!!#(:

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adventk-blog · 7 years

Photo

— ARE YOU WHO YOU WANT TO BE,

introducing LEE SUNGJONG, a MUTANT, — and currently a believer of NEUTRALITY. age ( twenty-four ) and gifted with the ability of ABILTY OR TALENT, they are currently working as a “FINDER”.

WE ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN STORIES,

The division of his life into night and day is like a chasm – half of his life he is staggering nearly blind while the other half is a waiting game for the dark-half to slowly consume his days. The condition he suffers is called nyctalopia or night-blindness, and it is merely a foretaste for what his life will become. Slowly but gradually his eyes will cease to see the light. They cease to see at all.

His ability to pinpoint a location of any item or person is a counterbalance, but he sees it more as a bad pun of the joke his existence seems to be, one that he can begin to contemplate when he feels bitter enough and brave enough to acknowledge it. Most of the times, he rather not to think of it at all. Usually, he staggers away from the notion of being (eventually) blind. Even if, come nighttime, objects disappear in dark haze. He prefers people think him drunk than blind and helpless.

He fails in taking his meds, he misses his appointments with doctors and his shrink. For now, it is much easier to ignore his illness. Just as he ignores what he may be. Mutant is a foreign sounding name that circles the news far too much lately with an undertone of fear and/or loathing. He, however, does not consider himself one of those unfortunates. Many mutants hid for centuries under the vast umbrella of having psychic abilities. He falls into this category, unintentionally, mainly because he wants to believe it. He is, as he states, “just” a “psychic”.

The term is less unwelcome than “mutant” in his home, yet it still makes his parents purse their lips with stern religious displeasure. Of which he couldn’t care less. Their slip into bigotry and religious zealotism was gradual and hard to comprehend by Sungjong - polite and happy child with a knack for reading and thinking. By his teenage years, they were at odds so much he had to leave his house. The righteous edge of his mother’s beliefs was blunted when his condition was discovered - it happened to be hereditary, yet none of his immediate family seemed to have it. Confrontation with her turned ugly, and then silence fell between them and a gap neither tried to breach.

His father doesn’t know he hasn’t got a son. His mother turns to hysterics and denial and Sungjong can feel the smile he presents to the world freezing on his face, while inside fear and confusion rattle the cage he created. He lives one day at a time and keeps repeating the lies. “I am not a mutant. All of that it is nothing. Not important. Not at all.”

THERE IS FLESH AND BLOOD BEHIND THESE TALES,

There is something disconcerting in the way he keeps smiling while his life is spiralling out of control. He has more problems than he cares to count and his illness and lack of plans for future seems to finally catch up with him. The condition of his eyes is getting worse. He keeps smiling and there is strength in that too, but soon it won’t be enough. He did not accept it yet but he can feel it - the approaching darkness. The mutants started to run amok and whispers about his abilities put him more than once in their lot. Despite his adamant protests. Purposefully ignoring danger is not a wise thing to do, especially now.

He keeps saying “I’m fine” and he half-believes it himself. It is fooling others that is getting harder. Whereas only a few know about his eyes’ condition his knack for falling and getting bruises had started some weird rumours. Many know about his abilities and it works as much to his advantage as it works against him. Making light jokes about his bruises and laughing off snide comments, ignoring subjects and questions asked is his way of dealing with (avoiding) things.

When was the last time he was angry? When was the last time he was happy? He is too busy patching up the holes in his story he keeps repeating every day to notice how unhappy he is and to see the danger lurking in the plain view. Mutant…

AND EVEN MONSTERS CAN LEARN TO WEEP.

Sensory Tracking - an ability that allows him to track and pinpoint the location of an object or a person as long as the subject of his search can be perceived by him as a unique, one of its kind. Therefore, at the current level of his power, to create a sense of singularity and individuality he needs a focus - a focal point his mind can grasp and build with its help a picture of the individual, one of a kind object. - therefore the focus needs to be as individualized as it is possible. A picture, name and personal possession work fine for finding a human. Searching for an item is much more tricky (as items tend to be more often an effect of a mass production) and Sungjong has to make sure to build in his mind a very accurate picture of the searched item to perceive it as one of the kind - a truely unique thing - to find it.

If the searched object is close by, the most basic and natural way of using his ability is to follow a pull he feels with his entire being. This pull is creating a sense of direction he moves along with - it is a straightline between him and the searched item. It can be only used to find items in his vicinity - the limitation being a circle of ca 10 km diameter with him at the center.

For a remote search, when the searched object is further away he can use a map or a picture of a place as a proxy of him actually being there, but in such cases, he cannot pinpoint an exact location, just a general area. Remote searching can be used only in finding humans and/or animals.

He can (and sometimes does) use a prop - a pendulum or dowsing rods (the former while pinpointing a location on the map in a remote sensing sessions, the latter if he is searching something underground).

APPLICATIONS :

Somatosensory imprint - (an ability he does not have a full control over yet) a prior physical contact with another person or an animal allows him to find them without a need of a focus.

Remote viewing - an ability to see the place where the searched object is, while not being physically present there. A rare occurrence - so far, it happened only when the viewing concerned human, someone he knew and liked.

LIMITATIONS : - It is much easier for him to find living specimens (humans or animals) then items. It all comes down to the fact that each person or animal is highly individualised objects, which makes focusing on them much easier. Any item is repeatable, usually an effect of mass production, thus posing a challenge of singling out the one he is looking for.

- His abilities can mislead him, especially when his focus is off due to misinformation or if the target is not pictured clearly in his mind. The state of the object or the person can also influence his finding (for example destroying an object will make finding it impossible).

- The spatial limitation - for searching of a nearby item - his abilities are limited to a circle with him at the centre - the circle has diameter of ca 10 km.

- He is not able to find a human or an animal if they are already dead.

- Psychic abilities of cloaking or blocking will render his powers useless.

- Remote searching and finding items or people is possible, but he can only detect a general area where the object can be found. It works only for humans or animals.

- In remote searching, he has to have at least a general notion of an area where the object can be to conduct a search.

- In a case of remote viewing, as rare as it is, the visions are just disjointed blurs and snapshots, which is hardly helpful to pinpoint a location, especially if he never actually has been in the place he is seeing before.

THREAT LEVEL ONE. 00+ BRWN, 03+ RSLNC, 03+ INTLCT, 04+ WLLPWR, 00+ FGHTNG, 02+ SPD

#avt: follow #krp #kpop rp #lee sungjong #tw: medication #tw: hospital mention #tw: illness mention #tw: isolation #tw: neglect

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