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lordymaru · 4 years ago

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I'm about to refute this entire essay with the simple explanation being:

The only interaction we've seen of these two is when she's a freaking 8 year old. Your self insert shows no boundaries.

And this is probably the last time I'll make a post about the stupidity behind the way the pair is viewed:

Note: I know there's people out there with a brain who ship these two in a more conventional way. In the end you do you, ship whatever you want, no one can prevent you from doing that, just don't be gross about it.

One of the parts being the Significance of their first encounter:

She’s a poor peasant girl who’s suffered immense trauma, suffering, and loneliness. Her initiative to help Sesshomaru came from her generosity

Exactly, she's alone for her family had been killed before her eyes, the villagers treat her like garbage. When she meets Sess he's wounded and simply in a bad state, both mentally and physically. Both of them are, the difference being he's a demon, a powerful one and for him to have ended in such a bad shape only stabbed at his pride- Rin on the other hand is a child, a human tiny child who is vulnerable and to him she poses no threat. Both of them are weak then.

At this point, it’s observable that despite knowing her story, her scars, and her difficulties, humans do not even empathize, let alone sympathize with Rin. It is the feudal era, after all. She’s a young, disabled orphan and the villagers only see her for what she lacks: a voice, a family, and a place of belonging.

Again with your feudal era shit. I can assure you the world is just as ugly today as it was before you and I existed. Next.

When he asks about her bruises, this is the first time anyone had ever afforded her a second glance.

This was a huge step forward for Sess, a huuuuuuge one for he showed interest in another living creature, not just any creature but a human. And for her it was probably like Christmas, for no one had showed her any mercy or interest. Ok you get a point. But oh, boy, how I'm about to spit on the next one:

The audience can see Sesshomaru calculate her body language, recognizing that she is mute. Instead of pressing her further or ignoring her outright, he attempts to comfort her (in his own way), making her feel that it is okay if she chooses not to answer him; that her desire to reply to him should only be a desire, not an obligation. I think, on one hand, that was the first moment of something that would resemble compassion that Sesshomaru had ever administered, trying to put himself in her shoes — if someone had asked him to do something that required, for example, his left arm, he probably would have appreciated them saying “you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to” so to provide him agency for something that he actually cannot do. And the same goes for Rin. He recognizes her disability, maybe even resonates with it and decides to empower her with a choice. Choice is important when it comes to the Sesshomaru/Rin dynamic and it’s a word that will come up often.

Ok why are you comparing the loss of his arm to her not being able to talk? Not all disabilities are the same, you moron. Or am I dumb for thinking this way? If so, feel free to call me out on my lack of common sense kr whatever you wanna call it. Sess physically couldn't do shit with his left arm because well- it was gone! That's a physical disability. Rin had "lost" her voice after what she witnessed and so she wouldn't speak anymore. Have you heard of Psychogenic Dysphonia? If not, you can click here and give it a reading or do your own research. The more you know: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0892199703000158

So you say he "empowers her with a choice" that is "important when it comes to the Sesshomaru/Rin dynamic" let me get this straight, a choice because why? She's a child? A female? Because you said so yourself, it's the Feudal Era after all and therefore women had no choice in life, no voice, no agency, no nothing. So he was being magnanimous then? You know... This is where you start edging into the gr00ming territory. Can't you see? No? Alright, moving on.

BRUH WHAT THE FUCK?! Are you fucking good? See how you self insert? Bye. Next

The next time Sesshomaru sees Rin, it is suggested that he actively sought her, whether it be by curiosity or concern for well-being

He did... It is not suggested, he actually did asdfhkl. For both curiosity and he probably was worried. He also states he wants to test out his sword, what a perfect chance to do so for Rin is pretty much dead and that's the only way to make his sword work. So she was both being a guinea pig and an itch he wasn't quite sure how to scratch. Next.

Silence Rin.

Rin screams endlessly, annoying Sesshomaru. Firstly, this is the first time we hear him call her by her name. Secondly, Sesshomaru is visibly annoyed by her noises, however, he does not tell her to “shut up” as he normally would with Jaken or even InuYasha. He simply says “enough of that Rin, stop it.” (In Japanese he says, “Silence, Rin. You make too much noise.��) Even analyzing the Japanese dialogue, it is evidently softer than Sesshomaru’s usual ‘kisama’ (貴樣) manner of speech that we see depicted usually. This is the first time he’s had a companion who is not a demon, someone with compassion, and who has had his general best interests at heart with no expectations in return. His softer tone is a logical deduction to make.

Ok... "someone with compassion, and who has had his general best interests at heart with no expectations in return." Bruh... As if he would even consider meeting someone's expectations. Are you sure you're talking about Sess? Another thing is, he always speaks in a calm tone, he rarely yells or loses his composure- he had no reason to be rude to her either, you're excusing his regular behavior simply because she ain't Jaken. Anything else?

Rin doesn't change Sesshomaru overnight, it's a gradual and long process

Well duh!!! Just like you don't lose the pounds you gained from eating in one sit 12 donuts a week ago. Stating the obvious and for what? What's exactly your mf point?

The silence part is important, idk how to tell you there is a power imbalance in their relationship from the moment he tells her to be quiet. He didn't say please, he didn't ask her to, he told her to be quiet. Like a parent would, if I could count the times my mom told me to shush.... That's your first indicator he is not her friend, he is not her equal.

Letting you Be Yourself: The Panther Demon Arc

the first frame the audience sees in the anime sets the scene, painting the Sessshomaru entourage in a serene manner, indicating a level of comfort between group members (episode 75). This is vastly different from our last depiction of Sesshomaru and Rin’s relationship. In episode 44, he was unable to withstand her (albeit annoying) childish antics. But here, it’s observable that Sesshomaru can accept her and her package of unconventional fun. Not only does he tolerate and even more so, accept Rin, but he accepts her influence on his vassal, Jaken and allows them to be free around him.

Is called developing patience. I can assure you that when you're a parent or an older bro/sis and your kid/younger sibling is noisy af you either learn to tolerate that or get used to it for kids are kids abd you have to let them be kids. Next.

She's a child, she's not stupid.

The Abducted Rin: Calling her Name

The respect that Sesshomaru shows Rin is insurmountable. However, the InuYasha franchise is clever to portray the subtlety of Sesshomaru’s respect for her. KV on Twitter points out how highly he regards his companion and never relegates her to anything less than the value that she as a person embodies (@KVndie via Twitter). He consistently humanizes her.

He only sees how important she is to him after her ass dies a second time. What do you mean? He respects her enough to not coddle her, she is independent and taught her to be self sufficient from the very start. That's respect. He consistently humanizes her because... She ... Is ... Human! OMG WHAT A SHOCKER!

As Naraku remarks on his hostage to Sesshomaru, "Naturally, the girl you're looking for is not here…,” he continues, “the girl is in custody outside of the castle..." Naraku never makes an attempt to give her personhood, leaving her unnamed, disposable, and relegating her to a mere "girl." But Sesshomaru doesn’t take any of this. He is a cold-hearted Daiyokai, yet he still makes an effort and upholds his principle to refer to her as Rin — not a replaceable “girl.”

Naraku is a mf genius. It didn't quite click until now he wanted to see if she was important or not to him and to what extent. For he planned his moves that way, making people turn against one another. While he wouldn't have made Rin turn against Sess he set everything up so he would end up wanting to kill Kohaku and in doing so, Inugang would have engaged against Sess.

Sesshomaru’s insistence on using Rin’s name isn’t only highlighted in this isolated incident though. It pays off. It is an ongoing theme in their dynamic throughout the series.

That's her name ... How you want him to call her? Baby?

I could go on and on but... This is a fucking essay. And then I stumble against more bullcrap:

The second point I want to highlight here is Sesshomaru’s reaction to Rin’s fall and her risky expedition. At this point, it’s unquestionable that Rin has a special place in his heart.

Of course she has a special spot in his heart. I won't deny that. What worries me is how you're trying to justify the way she's important to him since she was a child. As if his way of seeing her had changed.

I'm gonna disagree by agreeing with you in a few pointers. Kagome and Kikyo were rivals, they both romantically love the same guy. Kagome being the only one who could save Kikyo chooses to help her, knowing damn well Inuyasha would have suffered if Kikyo had died- further more, if it was in Kagome's hands to do something about it.

Rin on the other hand, I will applaud to her how she grew past her fear of Kagura after being kidnapped by her, she saw her body in the river and said fuck it and did her best to try to pull her from the water. I loved how stubborn and brave she was, even tho Sess had to pull everyone out of the water- she deserves a gold star. You go baby girl!!!

Rin later makes a cheeky comment, noting Kagura’s romantic interest in Sesshomaru. Jaken brushes this off as childish naivety. But for the spectator, this establishes two things: (1) That Rin does not see Kagura as a rival for Lord Sesshomaru’s attention, let alone affection; and (2) that Rin is still a child. Rin is certainly a child, with a youthful and fresh outlook on life that brings out the best in people. But even as a child, her relationship with Sesshomaru is incredibly healthy, clear, and surprisingly communicative.

Why would she? She's not a spoiled brat

Nah? I thought her double D indicated otherwise. OF COURSE SHE'S A MF CHILD.

Why do you keep mentioning is healthy? Do you need reassurance of it? Communicative in what way? Cuz if you wanna talk about communication let's talk about how he didn't even acknowledge her ass when she gave birth. He didn't even say her name, didn't even look at her. Tell me now how they are communicative and healthy?

I could go on, I really but all I'm getting from this load of bullshit I'm forcing myself to read is how you do in fact need to reassure yourself thr ship is god tier and is... How you said it was? Ah, healthy.

Anyways, thanks for reading and if you see any typo ... My apologies, I tried. Also if you have any input or I was out of line in some way, my apologies once more.

#anti sessrin #antisessrin #anti-sessrin

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bbq-hawks-wings · 4 years ago

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The narrative is not saying Hawks should feel guilty for his parents not wanting a relationship with him.

A concern that started back in 299 but really came to light in 303 is that the story may be trying to infer Hawks should feel bad for not pursuing a relationship with his parents. I completely understand where this concern comes from, but I also don't think that's what's happening here; and once again, I have the perfect disaster that is the Todoroki family to help me explain it.

Horikoshi's writing has been praised for the Todoroki plotline in particular for its portrayals of abuse, neglect, trauma, and broken family dynamics - and in particular how each member of the family has a different response to the traumatic events in their history. May I posit the idea that Hawks and his family is just an extension of that same concept?

While the Todoroki Family is able on some level to put itself back together, even if not completely, and move on in a positive direction. The Takami family is one that didn't mend, didn't heal, will never come back together.

Where Enji, even if decades later, is able to face what his self-centered behavior has done to his family; Thief Takami met the end of his relevance to the story as he tried to run away for good.

Rei owns her responsibility for the nightmare of the household and the scars she inflicted on her children without hesitation - giving validation to the feelings of her children and credit to them for being the ones who allow her to remain in their lives; Tomie was never able to own up to her actions and how she abandoned her son - even refusing to look him in the eye and literally ran away rather than face anything he might have to say about the way she treated him and how she was absent.

Each of the Todoroki children get to choose their response to a parent who's repentant of their behavior and allows them to be in control of the relationship moving forward - Dabi seeks to hurt them back, Fuyumi seeks to forgive and forget, Natsuo wants nothing to do with his father and put the past behind him, and Shouto won't let his father forget what he's done but will let him start over and prove himself with time. Hawks doesn't get parents that want a relationship with him, and he just has to accept that he won't ever get that healthy family dynamic from them, even if he wanted it, and move on with his life.

Natsuo is the important linchpin in this reasoning for me, because if there's one person who is single-handedly proving Endeavor's redemption is about atonement and not forgiveness - it's Natsuo.

Not every panel and stylistic imagery choice in the manga is meant to be taken as objective reality. We saw this in the confrontation between Hawks and Twice. The scary, shadowy way that Hawks was drawn was not objective reality but the way Twice was seeing him.

Some imagery and themes surrounding Natuso and Endeavor have been consistent, no matter who's perspective we're seeing.

In order, these depictions of Endeavor's abuse are from Rei's perspective, the entire Family's perspective, and finally his own as he recounts what he did. Absolutely nothing about what he did is meant to be taken as subjective. Horikoshi will not let us get away with thinking what he did was anything less that the horror that is was.

Which is why as everyone recounts their memories in that hospital room in chapter 302, Natsuo's is the only one not accompanied by supplemental imagery when even Fuyumi has some in her panel. Natsuo's statement doesn't need expounding; he's just right.

And his feelings have been acknowledged and validated in being that the only reason Natsuo even comes to these family meetings is to support his family. His father is the bad guy - the villain - in his story, but he's willing to acknowledge that he isn't the bad guy in everyone's story. For this he's praised as being selfless and kind - not to Endeavor, but to his loved ones. This happens not once:

But twice! Natsuo is acknowledged in the narrative as having major objections to having anything to do with his old man, but is also acknowledged that in choosing enduring it even in the face of the anger and distress it causes him makes him selfless and caring of his his loved ones who have chosen to stand by Endeavor - and even in this second instance it's acknowledged that he's supporting his dad only because people need the Hero Endeavor and his family behind him.

While the issue was still just their family, Natsuo's boundaries were respected by Endeavor, the rest of the family, and ultimately the narrative; and these boundaries will once again be reinforced when the situation blows over.

So riddle me this: if Natsuo is allowed to hate and abandon his father who is repentant and does want a relationship with him, I don't understand how the same story is turning around and condemning Hawks for simply letting them go when he acknowledges he didn't even get the same opportunity?

I really think the order of his thoughts matter.

"I didn't get to confront my parents. They're gone."

"So I left them there behind me and moved on."

More than likely Hawks has some choice words for his genetic donors if he got the chance considering he praises Shouto for taking steps that are tremendously difficult for a child in those circumstances to do - especially towards his father who Hawks now knows is guilty of some major sins of which his family has zero obligation to forgive. He recognizes that Shouto's parents placed the power to redeem or destroy their relationships with him into his hands, and instead of cutting them off as was his right, he reached back out and met them halfway.

Yeah, man, that makes you a pretty cool dude.

In conclusion: I think Hawks is just another example of how this kind of family dynamic could go wrong and how sometimes the child just has accept what they can't control and move on, even if he wishes he could get closure. We can't always get that, and so in another way he's painted as being strong for doing that emotional heavy lifting alone without the promise of closure and not let it consume his life.

#she speaks #let's talk Hawks #bnha meta

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addictedtostorytelling · 3 years ago

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Do you think there are (or could have been) parallels between Brass&Ellie and Ecklie&Morgan in terms of their father-daughter relationships, personalities, and character developments?

hi, anon!

admittedly, i haven't spent a lot of time with the later seasons, so my thoughts on this topic are scattered and not especially nuanced.

suffice it to say, i think that the show itself sets up brass & ellie and ecklie & morgan to serve as a kind of "worst case scenario" vs. "best case scenario" dichotomy of strained father-daughter relationships, particularly during the mini-arc of episodes 13x22 "skin in the game" and 14x01 "the devil and db russell."

while both relationships start out within the realm of your typical (albeit regrettable) "dad worked too much/cheated on mom while daughter was a kid, and now as an adult, daughter hates him" dynamics, they don't have anywhere near the same outcomes, largely because, in ellie's case, she turns out to be a remorseless killer with no interest in reconciliation with her father, whom she blames for ruining her life, while in morgan's, she is a generally moral and reasonable person who eventually comes to recognize that, while flawed, her father does ultimately still love her, leaving room for them to develop an amicable relationship.

whereas ellie's relationship with her father is basically shown to be unsalvageable by the time the oliver tate arc takes place—she has become so violent and dangerous that there is no hope that she could ever be a functional member of society, much less that she and brass could have a healthy familial bond—morgan's relationship with ecklie is shown to be largely mended, as although they had been awkward around each other back when morgan first moved to vegas in s12, by now they've been through enough trauma together (see episodes 12x05 "csi down" and 12x22 "homecoming") and also worked together enough at the lab to have developed genuine care for each other and a loving rapport.

while brass still loves ellie, even despite all of the ways she has hurt him and others, he also knows that she is essentially irredeemable by this point, having crossed the line from petty crimes (like drug running and prostitution) into ruthless torture and cold-blooded murder; in the end, when confronted by her after she kills nancy, he's so heartbroken that all he wants is for her to kill him, as well. when she is finally taken into custody, it's a relief to him—the best outcome he could hope for, given what she's become.

though he has long considered himself a failed father, now he knows for certain: there is no hope that anything will ever improve with ellie; she's too far gone for him to ever potentially reach. the failure is permanent.

on the flip side, the experience of morgan's abduction and near-murder at ellie's hands only draws her and ecklie closer together. while of course there's no making up for the ways that ecklie failed morgan when she was younger or recapturing all of the the time that they missed out on together between morgan's teenage years and when she moved back to vegas, they both seem committed to finding a way to move forward and forge a new relationship now that morgan is an adult.

in subsequent seasons, they're depicted as having a generally positive relationship—perhaps not the same one that they might have had had ecklie played a more active role in raising morgan after he and her mother divorced but one that is based in mutual care and support nonetheless.

in terms of where the difference lies between the bad outcome for brass & ellie and the good one for ecklie & morgan, it seems to come down not to the fathers but the daughters.

though brass tried his damnedest, particularly in the early seasons of the show, to patch things up with ellie and be there for her in a way he hadn't been when she was a child, she never truly accepted his overtures and always ultimately seemed to consider his gestures empty*—hence why she went through all of the trouble to engineer a life-or-death scenario where he would essentially have to "prove his love for her" in an unquestionable way come s14.

* of course, no adult is obligated to forgive their parent for abusing, neglecting, or otherwise mistreating them when they were a child, even if their parent genuinely tries to make amends, so ellie would have been well within her rights to say, "you know what, dad? what you're trying to do here is too little, too late. go to hell!" (which is pretty much what she does in the early seasons of the show.) it's just that, eventually, she crosses the line from "withholding forgiveness" into "perpetrating violence," which, obviously, is not okay.

that he does ultimately fail ellie's test is really extraneous to what she had already decided about him, which is that she was never going to forgive him for how he had let her down in childhood, regardless of his comportment at present; even had he "chosen her over morgan," i honestly think ellie still would have hated him. at that point, there was never any way that he could have won her over. their relationship had already passed the point of no return.

conversely, though as a teenager morgan had doubted ecklie's love for her after he had not fought for custody of her during his divorce from her mother, as an adult she eventually came to see that he had always loved her (albeit in an awkward, fumbling way). knowing that he hadn't been as uncaring toward her as she originally assumed, she decided to give him another chance to be part of her life.

why ellie was unable to recognize brass's love but morgan was able to recognize ecklie's is difficult to say.

ngl, during the earlier seasons of the show, i think ellie was originally written to follow a less extreme trajectory than the one she ultimately was made to follow in the show's later seasons—not in the sense that she probably would have ever enjoyed a loving father-daughter relationship with brass but in the sense that she would have simply remained his estranged and lawless "problem child" rather than becoming an actual killer who was actively trying to cause him as much pain and suffering as possible.

i'm not sure why the production team changed tacks with her except, you know, because that's the typical kind of melodramatic writing choice they always went for in the later seasons. 🙄

in any case, it seems that somewhere along the line they decided that ellie was incurably evil (as opposed to just "wild") and that she was always destined to end up a killer regardless of how she was parented. that she murdered her mother, who had been a more attentive parent to her than brass ever was, speaks to the fact that there was probably nothing brass ever could have said or done to alter her path, no matter how hard he tried.

meanwhile, morgan, who is a person capable of more nuanced thinking and behavior, was able to change the way she perceived her dad over time; in coming to work under him at the lab, she learned to see him in a new light. her understanding of him evolved past the point it had been at when she was a teenager—and particularly as he had changed and become a better person/father in the meanwhile.

anyway, that's about the extent of my thoughts on this subject, except to say that my heart has always broken for brass where ellie is concerned.

i just rewatched episode 02x10 "ellie" the other day, and the way he's full-on crying at the end when she rejects him is absolutely gutting.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

#answered #anon #asks: csi #**#my meta #meta: csi #meta: brass #meta: ecklie #jim brass #conrad ecklie #ellie brass #morgan brody #let's talk shop #13x22 #14x01 #later seasons #csiverse

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queerofthedagger · 4 years ago

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hello! i noticed you have prompts open, and i love your writing! no pressure ofc but do you think you could write james and sirius rescuing regulus? maybe getting him out of grimmauld, or maybe when they're all older, getting him away from the death eaters?? james and sirius CAN be in a relationship, or they could be just uselessly giving each other heart eyes until reggie does something to facilitate their boyfriendhood?? i don't know, the ball is in your court, now :')

Hey nonnie, thank you so much for the prompt! ❤️ It really took me a while, but on the bright side, it also got quite long (most of it is under the cut.) I hope it’s more or less what you were aiming for - it got angst-y, but there’s a happy ending.

The first part of this was also written for a writing exercise on discord, “Have your character write a letter to their younger self.” All of the fic was heavily inspired by this video, and by the song used in it, which also provided me with the title.

or maybe you were the ocean (when I was just a stone)

Teen and Up || Graphic Depictions of Violence || 5,7k words || AO3

Pairings: Sirius Black/James Potter; Sirius Black & Regulus Black

Tags: Regulus Black Lives; Fix It; Established Relationship; Angst with a Happy Ending

Summary: There are only two ways this can end, and James refuses both of them. Refuses to accept that they will die here, like this, joining the hundreds of dead bodies in their eternal grave; refuses to be the one who has to drag Sirius out of here, to tell him that he’s failed in the last second. To watch him shatter underneath the weight of his grief. --- Kreacher does not like Master Regulus' plan. Kreacher has his orders about them, but they don't include a piece of parchment, meant to join Regulus the following day. Kreacher thinks there's only one person able to help, loath as he is to admit it.

Kreacher's right.

Dear “younger self,”

I would never write this if I wasn’t going to die tomorrow, but there is a strange urge to acknowledge everything in a place outside my own head, and this seems the easiest way. At least it is a dying wish easily fulfilled.

That is a horrible way to start a letter. I suppose it is of no consequence though, seeing that these words will disappear with me.

If I could give you only one piece of advice, it would be this; listen to Sirius. Listen to Sirius and go with him when he leaves – do anything, anything at all to get away from this house that has never been a home to either of you.

I know what you’re thinking; he abandoned you first. He is the one who replaced you. He made everything so much harder on himself with his stubbornness, his constant need to be contrary; by always stepping into the line of mother’s fury.

But he is also right, about so many things.

Most importantly though, he is right about this – no matter what you do, it will never be enough to make them proud. Not getting sorted into Slytherin, not upholding traditions and echoing their beliefs and, most of all, not joining the Dark Lord. Nothing will ever be enough.

You will only burn yourself up by trying; you will do everything that is expected of you and more, and it won’t be enough. You will do unspeakable things that leave you shaking for days on end, will wake you up every night with screams lodged behind your teeth and fear buried in your bones.

Will leave you aged decades within a year, and still mother will only stare at you blankly and ask where Sirius is.

You won’t know either, but you’ll wish you did. You will wish that you could find him, warn him, beg him for help. But not only will you have aged decades, you will have drifted away so far that there’s no way to go back anymore.

Not a point in trying either.

You may think that I’m dramatizing in typical Black manner, but to be honest, it’s still so much worse than it sounds.

Tomorrow, I will die in a cave, and nobody will know. Tomorrow, I will die in a cave, and all I’ll be remembered as is a spineless coward who has been wrong all along.

At least I won’t have to deal with Sirius’ ‘I told you so.’

I’d take a hundred of those if only to see that grin one more time.

There always is a choice, and there always are consequences. Sometimes, they just come for you as an army of Inferi and the Drink of Despair.

- Regulus

* * *

Regulus doesn't know that Kreacher slips the letter out of his pocket later that night; doesn’t know that his always loyal elf is still searching for his least favourite family member when Regulus leaves for the last time, in the early hours of dawn.

Anything, anything at all to save Master Regulus.

* * *

James hears the crashes and the shouting already on the staircase, Sirius’ voice unmistakable. He breaks into a run, taking the steps two, three at a time, wand drawn and ready to fight whoever has found them.

An old, wrinkled house-elf is not what he expects to find sneering up at Sirius, and it effectively stops him in his tracks. Sirius doesn’t seem to notice him though, glaring down at the creature with so much hatred written over his face that James doesn’t dare let his guard down just yet.

“I’m not going to promise you anything without knowing what you want from me,” Sirius just spits, contempt dripping from his every word. His hands are shaking at his sides though, muscle in his jaw jumping, and James knows that this isn’t a usual threat.

Knows that there’s something personal in this because Sirius’ anger only ever burns bright and hot like this when he’s terrified; when there’s something on the line beyond his own life.

Sirius only ever loses control when it comes to his loved ones, and just like that, James knows whose elf this is; knows with startling certainty spreading through his lungs that this has the potential to break Sirius, and inevitably himself.

Neither of them has noticed him yet, or at least not considered him noteworthy enough to avert their glares from each other, and James takes a second to take in the details.

The living room looks wrecked, books and papers littering the floor and the coffee table lying overturned. Sirius has a cut on his cheek, slowly oozing blood while the elf appears to be unharmed. It’s clenching a crumpled piece of parchment in one gnarled fist though, and underneath the disdain spilling from its eyes, James can make out a deep wariness.

“Sirius,” he says, taking a few steps into the room without lowering his wand. “I don’t think he’d be here if it wasn’t important.”

Because there’s only one reason James can come up with for the elf of the Blacks to appear in their home; only one reason, and he knows that Sirius knows it too, sees it in the thin line of his lips and the tightness of his shoulders.

“It could still be a trick,” Sirius presses out, not taking his eyes off the elf, and there’s a plea ringing in his words, desperation for it to not be what they both fear it is.

“Kreacher would not expose himself to the presence of filthy blood-traitors for – “

“Shut up!” Sirius snaps, eyes flashing, and James quickly wraps his fingers around his wrist. Looks at him and silently says, not now, not yet, it’s not worth it.

“What are the terms?” he asks out loud, glancing at the elf whose face twists as if contemplating if James is even worth answering to.

He seems to decide that it’ll have higher chances than with Sirius, though he turns his nose up when he speaks. “Kreacher has a message that was not intended to reach the – you. Kreacher will deliver it still, if the blood-traitor son promises to help.”

And yeah, that would be a problem, James thinks. Looks at Sirius and sees the conflict there, twitching fingers and working jaw, and thinks to hell with it.

“You were not ordered to not deliver it either, then?” he asks, because he might be reckless, but he’s not stupid; might be willing to risk everything and anything for Sirius every second of the day, but never once Sirius himself.

The elf’s sneer slips by a fraction. “Kreacher received no orders at all about the letter. Kreacher does want to add that time is an issue. He will be needing help soon.”

Sirius still doesn’t look convinced, but James knows what will happen if they refuse; knows that Sirius will run himself in circles, will drive himself mad with not knowing. Knows that it might be the deciding push to finally plunge them off the precipice this war has them balancing on.

Thinks that if it’s as bad as he thinks it is, refusing might end up being worse than whatever potential trap they’re about to walk into.

His grip on Sirius’ wrist tightens, but he doesn’t glance away from the elf when he says, “We accept. Give us the letter, and we’ll help.”

Sirius makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat but he’s also already gripping for the parchment, nearly tearing it in his haste.

James is barely able to take in the words with the way Sirius is shaking beside him, and still, all he can think is that it’s so, so much worse than he could’ve ever anticipated.

“Where,” Sirius finally chokes out, his face pale and haunted, and he’s swaying on his feet, knuckles white around his wand. “Where,” he repeats, voice breaking over the shout.

James does the only thing he can do; takes Sirius’ face between his hands and digs his fingers into his skin. Presses their foreheads together and says, “No, not like this.” Holds on even as Sirius struggles, eyes wild and caught so firmly between anger and desperation that it makes James’ heart ache. “You’ll kill us both like this,” he says, shaking him for good measure. Says, “Breathe,” again and again until Sirius finally starts listening, or at least accepting that it’s the only way James will let him out of this flat anytime soon.

“Better,” he finally allows, but he only lets his hand drop to Sirius’ wrist once more as he turns back to the elf.

There’s disdain again, but also poorly hidden relief, and James could honestly not care less about what a house-elf thinks of them right now.

“When is he planning to go?” Sirius asks, and his voice is still strained, full of fear buried underneath fury, but at least he’s thinking again.

Of course, it all flies out of the window when Kreacher answers, “He left an hour ago. Kreacher can take you to the entrance of the cave but not further.”

James doesn’t protest when Sirius snarls, “Take us,” doesn’t think that Kreacher would be willing to give them more information even if he’d get Sirius to listen for another second.

The words Inferi and Drink of Despair are still echoing through his head, and they’re mixing with the guilt that is already radiating off of Sirius in waves, mixing with it’s my fault, and I should’ve tried harder, and if he dies, it’s because of me, that he knows are running rampage in Sirius’ own head.

As they’re pulled into the Apparation, James silently lists defences against Inferi and poison, hoping that they’re the only things he will have to fight tonight.

The sounds hit him first; desperate, guttural sobs that seem to echo, magnified and thrown around between what turn out to be the smooth, dark walls of a large cave. There are pleas in between, broken off words and swallowed fractures, though through the seconds it takes them to orientate themselves, two words are repeated over and over.

Sirius, please.

The words twist themselves underneath James’ ribs, race down his spine, and still he is glad for them. They freeze Sirius in place just long enough for James to reach out and hold him back from storming straight into the water stretching out between them and the small island Regulus seems to be kneeling on.

A green glow coming from a basin spends just enough eerie light to illuminate Regulus’ trembling figure, curled in on himself and pleading, crying, screaming himself hoarse.

It’s only Kreacher’s voice that prevents James from having to outright fight Sirius to keep him where he is.

“There’s a boat,” he says. “It will only take one of you.”

“Can’t you take us?” James asks before Sirius can, one arm still tightly wrapped around his chest as his own stomach sinks, panic clawing its way slowly up his throat.

Kreacher’s jaw sets and he shakes his head. “The wards would be tripped, and Master Regulus forbade me from doing anything to alert him.”

There’s no way, no way in hell that James will let Sirius go alone, or leave him behind, and he spares a thought to curse whoever set up this nightmare of a setting. He has some suspicions but no time to really bother with them, Sirius already struggling again, glaring and spitting and snarling at James as if he’s seriously contemplating to hex him within the next few seconds.

He needs an answer, a solution, anything, but there’s nothing, and then there’s movement from the small island, the sudden sound of waves drawing their attention.

It shouldn’t be loud enough, shouldn’t drown out Regulus’ cries and Sirius’ curses, but still they both stop moving, eyes forcibly dragged to witness Regulus bowing low over the edge of the lake.

Grey hands are breaking the surface of the water, followed by heads and bodies, so many of them that they appear to be moving as one. The green light reflects on the dead skin, catching on empty eyes and white teeth, and James has to clench his jaw against the bile rising in his throat.

“Take us,” Sirius says, and his voice is cold all of a sudden, tightly controlled fury pressed into two words as he stares at Kreacher.

“Kreacher cannot – “

“Take. Us,” Sirius repeats, drawing himself up. “I command you to take us, or I swear by all that I hold dear, my mother will look like a bloody joke when I’m done with you.”

Kreacher’s still hesitating, visibly struggling with himself in a way that would give James a pause in different circumstances, but they’re losing time they can’t afford.

Regulus’ screams have turned hoarse, barely audible over the other noises filling up the cavern now, and it’s impossible to spot him any longer in between the throng of Inferi.

“You want him to survive as well, don’t you?” James tries, and there’s terror ringing through his words.

Finally, Kreacher nods, and they don’t get another second to prepare themselves for the lurch of Apparation; to question just who they’re alerting by tripping the wards.

Sirius twists out of his grip the second they have solid ground under their feet again, wand slashing through the air in ferocious precision. Still, for every cutting curse that hits its target, three more seem to appear, and the whole bulk of them is already moving back into the murky water.

“Fire,” James snaps, unceremoniously digging his elbow into Sirius’ side when he doesn’t seem to hear him. “Fire, but not directly at them, come on.”

An incantation rolls off Sirius’ tongue that James has only ever read about and his blood runs cold. His own movement slows and stops as he watches white-hot flames burst forward, rushing over the surface of the lake surrounding them, forming indistinct shapes.

“Sirius,” he tries, grabbing his arm. “Sirius,” he shouts, shaking him, but to no avail. There are no Inferi left in the vicinity of the island. No other bodies either but for Kreacher cowering by the basin, and James knows, knows that Sirius has noticed too. That he’ll burn the whole cave down, no matter how little it will serve an actual purpose, and himself with it if James lets him.

The light of the flames is breaking on Sirius’ face, all hard lines and pain etched into every crease as his eyes seem to burn, grey blazing just as bright.

There are only two ways this can end, and James refuses both of them. Refuses to accept that they will die here, like this, joining the hundreds of dead bodies in their eternal grave; refuses to be the one who has to drag Sirius out of here, to tell him that he’s failed in the last second. To watch him shatter underneath the weight of his grief.

It’s not a plan. It’s not even something he expects to work or to not go horribly wrong, but it’s the only thing he can think off beyond forcing Sirius to give up for his sake.

The Summoning Spell shouldn’t work on people, and the seconds after he casts tick by so very slowly. The heat keeps scorching his skin, licking at his hands and his face and supplying a painfully tangible warning of Sirius’ suffering.

Then there’s a ripple in the water close to them, a body hurling out of it and barrelling into James with a force that knocks him off his feet. Sharp stones are digging into his back, his head is thundering with the strength of the impact but he’s laughing, laughing and crying and only just making sure that it’s Regulus lying on top of him, unconscious but with breath brushing against James’ neck.

Somehow, he manages to climb back to his feet, pulling Regulus up as he goes. Manages to stumble through the thick smoke that’s curling through the air, through his lungs, threatening to choke them all before they can burn or drown.

A distant, hysterical corner of his mind that he tries to ignore as best as he can helpfully points out that it at least keeps out whoever created this cavern from hell, and he wants to laugh again.

Finally, he reaches Sirius, standing rigid at the very edge of the water with tears streaming down his face but wand still raised, staring straight into the flames. James wraps his free hand around his neck, pressing his nails into his skin and shaking him until Sirius finally turns his head to look at him.

It takes several seconds until the haze leaves Sirius’ eyes and they widen, realization bleeding into them, swiftly followed by guilt. James wants to feel relief, wants to reassure him that there’s nothing to be guilty about; wants to shove Regulus at him and shout, see, everything will be fine, you idiot. As if I’d ever let you down.

He’s not sure yet that he believes it himself though and does none of those things. Does only tighten his grip on both brothers and shouts for Kreacher, the words scraping against his raw throat, and he nearly slumps in relief when the elf appears next to them with wide, terrified eyes.

“Take us to our flat,” he orders, praying and begging silently that he will listen. The fire is breaking through the barrier Sirius must’ve kept up, heat already singing their clothes, and he thinks he can hear a shriek of rage even over the roaring of the flames.

The sight of Regulus must’ve convinced Kreacher because he doesn’t waste a second to grab the limp hand, and then the world is twisting, lurching, and the last thing James sees is white and red and yellow, and a person materializing out of black smoke in the spot they’re just leaving behind.

Regulus’ weight drags James down as soon as they land, and he pulls Sirius with him. The quiet and cold of their living room is like a punch, adrenaline snatched away with the sudden absence of heat.

For long moments, he’s unable to move, to do anything but breathe. Unable to comprehend that they made it out, all three of them still alive and here, maybe not unharmed but not on the bottom of a lake full of Inferi either.

“Is he - ?” Sirius breaks the silence, and when James turns his head to look at him, his eyes are clenched shut, hands still trembling where they press against the floor, and lips white with the force his teeth are biting into them.

“He’s breathing,” he answers quietly because he has no idea if Regulus is fine, will be fine again, and he can’t lie to Sirius, never could, not even about something like this.

Sirius gives a jerky nod, still not opening his eyes but reaching out a hand to wrap around James’ own so tightly that he can feel his bones shift. “I could’ve killed you. I could’ve killed you and you didn’t stop me.”

It’s not an accusation, not even a reprimand. It’s only horror, and guilt, and James wants to erase the previous hours from all of their minds. Wants to take all three of them far away from a family that pitches brothers against each other, from a war that’s eating away at all of them, and from whatever it is that led Regulus to the cave and his near self-sacrifice in the first place.

Wants to take them far away and forget about the terror that’s still woven tightly around his ribs, pressing into his lungs and choking up his throat with a grip so crushing, he’s not sure if it’ll ever leave again.

“As if I’d let you,” he finally chokes out, squeezing Sirius’ hand in return and pulling them both into a sitting position.

It falls flat and they both know it, but Sirius merely gives another nod and scrambles until he’s kneeling at Regulus’ side, hands shaking as they hover helplessly over his still body.

James wants to take them far away from here, or scream and rage until the memories don’t feel so achingly raw anymore, and does none of it. Instead, he pulls himself together with more effort than it’s ever taken him and knocks his head softly against Sirius’ in wordless reassurance.

Taking a deep breath, he starts pulling away Regulus’ torn robes. “Kreacher, could you get me the potions from the bathroom?” he asks when he finds deep gashes underneath the fabric, littering his arms and chest, bleeding into their faded blue carpet.

The elf disappears, the crack of his Apparition startling Sirius out of his shock. The following minutes pass in silence, both of them working on closing the wounds, dispelling the water from Regulus’ lungs, and checking for invisible injuries.

After Kreacher reappears with the potions, he watches them closely but otherwise stays silent and keeps his distance, hands wrung tight into the hem of the pillowcase he’s wearing.

“That’s it,” James finally says, sitting back on his haunches and rubbing a hand over his face in exhaustion. “Some of it will scar, but he should wake up soon.”

At least he hopes so; neither of them is a Healer even if they’d inevitably picked up the basics since leaving Hogwarts. He doesn’t want to consider what would happen if he doesn’t.

Sirius doesn’t answer, merely sits back to lean against the back of the couch and carefully moving Regulus until his head is resting in Sirius’ lap.

For long moments, James only watches the slow movements of Sirius’ hand carding through Regulus’ hair, the way his eyes keep roaming over his body as if expecting new injuries to appear. Watches how two of his fingers stay pressed against Regulus’ pulse point at his throat, hand twitching every other second.

Eventually though, James forces himself back to his feet, legs trembling underneath him as he makes his way into the kitchen. His throat is parched, his eyes are still burning from the smoke, and he knows that Sirius must be in a similar state; knows that he won’t get up and take care of himself until Regulus opens his eyes because it’s what he’d do if it was James lying there.

It’s what James would do if the roles were reversed, and that’s a scenario he shoves away as best as he can whenever the thought so much as tries to form.

When he steps back into the room with two glasses of water and PepperUp Potion, Sirius is still in the same position, but he’s talking quietly, words barely audible. “Come on, lionheart, you have to wake up. I owe you several I told you so’s, remember?” he’s just saying, voice rough and still so, so heavy with regrets.

“Sir-us?”

James freezes where he’s just sitting down next to them, nearly forgetting to keep up the levitation spell, and watches with fear and relief warring in his chest as Regulus’ eyelids flutter, eyes slowly blinking open to reveal a grey several shades darker than Sirius’.

“You idiot,” is the first thing Sirius chokes out, his grip on Regulus’ shoulder visibly tightening, and in spite of everything, James smiles faintly. “You complete, utter idiot, how could you?”

Regulus’ eyes widen, his body going rigid while his hands curl into fists at his sides. “What – where – “

“You nearly died,” Sirius spits before James can even think about answering, and he winces at the note of anger creeping back into Sirius’ tone. “What were you thinking? If Kreacher hadn’t – “

“Kreacher came to you?” Regulus interrupts, surprisingly alert all of a sudden as he sits up, and James wonders if it’s only adrenaline that’s fuelling him. He twists so he can keep looking at them, pushing himself onto his knees, and his eyes flicker between them as fear and disbelief chase each other over his expression. “I – you – you got me out of the cave?”

Before Sirius can answer, James reaches out to squeeze his knee.

Sirius swallows, eyes closing briefly, but his voice is much calmer when he says, “Yes, though if it wasn’t for James, I doubt – we only arrived when you – when the Inferi attacked you.”

Regulus’ expression doesn’t change, confusion and wariness still shining in his eyes. “But how – I forbade Kreacher from telling anyone and anyway, why? Why would you – “

Care is what he doesn’t say, what he doesn’t have to say if the flinch from Sirius is anything to go by.

James watches out of the corner of his eye as Sirius’ jaw clenches and unclenches, fingers tapping a restless rhythm against his legs, and he eventually draws his shoulders back.

“Because you’re my brother. And I – even though I never regretted leaving Grimmauld’s, I regretted leaving you behind. That we grew apart so badly and I – that you thought you couldn’t come to me with whatever insane thing you were attempting tonight. Because the thought of you dying – I couldn’t – I’d never let that happen,” Sirius finally says, his voice quiet but gaze boring into Regulus’.

Regulus stares with wide eyes, a frown etched between his brows as if he isn’t quite sure that any of this is real. “But you’re – I’m everything you hate,” he finally spits, face twisting into a snarl while his hands tremble at his sides. “I joined the Dark Lord! I did things so horrible, you wouldn’t – “ he chokes off, turning his head away.

James thinks it’s startling how similar the two of them are, after all, despite everything. He’s itching to make this easier for both of them, but all he can do is press his leg against Sirius’ and hope that it’ll be enough to get through this.

“And you realised what a shit-choice that was,” Sirius shoots back, and for the briefest of seconds, his lips twitch into a smile. “I told you so, by the way.”

Regulus’ head whips back around, and James wants to bury his face in his hands.

“The letter,” Regulus whispers, his whole posture slumping. “Of course. I should’ve – “

“If you finish that sentence, I’ll kill you myself,” Sirius growls, then shakes his head and huffs. “I just – are you really so keen to die that you wouldn’t even consider asking me for help?”

There’s desperation bleeding through his words now, and Regulus must’ve heard it too because his head snaps up, his hand twitching as if he wants to reach out.

“It’s not – no,” he presses out, running a hand over his face. “But I – not only didn’t I expect you to believe me, it’s also dangerous. More dangerous than this war already is, and you have a traitor in your precious Order and I couldn’t – he’ll hunt me down anyway.“

“You betrayed Voldemort,” James says before Sirius can, the final pieces clicking into place, and it reminds him of the flash of white skin materialising just as they’d left the cave behind.

Regulus flinches at the name and seems to hesitate. Eventually, he nods, resolve hardening his features. “He’s mad, completely, utterly mental. I just – I couldn’t do it anymore and when Kreacher – when I found out something important, something that could help bring him down, I – “ he pauses, biting his lips. Takes a deep breath and closes his eyes before looking back at Sirius. “I thought I could at least do one good thing. What does it matter if I die in a raid, in a cave, or because he decides to kill me?”

“Because I couldn’t bear to lose you!” Sirius snaps. “Because it was already bad enough to lose you once, and I won’t let Voldemort, or anyone else for that matter, lay a fucking hand on you, alright? And you’ll better get used to that, you complete idiot, because I won’t make the same mistake twice.”

There’s a beat of silence in which the words seem to ring through the room, and then a dry sob wrenches itself out of Regulus’ throat, his hand flying up to press against his mouth.

Sirius instantly moves forward, wrapping his arms around Regulus and burying his head in the crook of his neck, his own shoulders shaking. It takes only a second until Regulus’ arms come up, his hands clenching in the fabric of Sirius’ hoodie as if holding on for dear life.

James watches, something loosening in his chest, and when he looks at Kreacher for the first time since Regulus woke up, there’s barely any disdain left on his old face.

The two of them stay in their embrace for a long time, murmuring to each other so quietly that James can’t make out the words.

As much as he wants to give them their time, to leave them to make up for all those lost years, there’s still a memory at the forefront of his mind that is impossible to ignore. He doesn’t want to think about it, wants to think about nothing but all three of them being alive and well, but if he truly wants to keep it that way, they still have more important things to worry about first.

Clearing his throat and flashing them a strained, apologetic smile, he waits until he has both of their attention. “I’m not sure that we weren’t seen just before we disappeared.”

All the blood drains from Regulus’ face and he flinches back as if he’s been slapped. His hand finds Sirius’ arm, fingers twisting into his sleeve, and James’ heart aches at having to do this at all.

Sirius’ features only harden, jaw setting and lips pressing into a thin line.

James knows what he’s going to say and shakes his head. “We have to leave,” he says, raising his hand to stall Sirius’ protest. “We could go into hiding, but Regulus is right. We have a traitor in the Order, and whatever it is Regulus attempted to do tonight, you and I both know that it was too well-guarded to draw anything but Voldemort’s utmost attention.”

“A Horcrux,” Regulus says quietly, turning his head to send Sirius a look full of meaning that’s lost on James. “Did you take a locket, by any chance?”

“A Horcrux,” Sirius echoes, his voice suddenly hoarse again, and he slowly shakes his head. “We didn’t but I – well I guess it got probably caught up in the Fiendfyre.”

“You – “ Regulus starts, then cuts himself off and shakes his head. “Never mind. James is right though, we can’t stay here. We have to – I need to, I’m – “ he stammers, hands starting to shake and fear filling his eyes.

Sirius’ eyes meet James’, and he finds the same resolve that he’s feeling mirrored back at him, a silent, old promise between the two of them that now includes a third one.

“My parents had a house in the middle of nowhere in Iceland,” he says, a plan starting to take shape in his mind. “We’ve never been there but I know the coordinates to create a Portkey, and that there are a few elves who’ve taken care of it over the years.”

“I should be able to ward it and make it unplottable,” Sirius picks up, already getting to his feet and dragging Regulus with him. “We’ll contact Dumbledore, get a message to him with the information we have and that we’re leaving, nothing more.”

“What about mother?” Regulus asks, the panic receding even though there’s still uncertainty in his eyes. “I know you don’t care but if he saw me, if I disappear…”

Sirius sighs, closing his eyes briefly, but he nods. “Send Kreacher back, order him to not tell anyone but report to her that he hasn’t seen you in days. Voldemort won’t outright kill her if she doesn’t know what’s going on, the support of the family is too important for him.”

There’s a beat of silence as Regulus and Sirius stare at each other, but eventually, Regulus nods, exhaling a sigh. “I hope you’re right.”

Summoning parchment, James hands it to him. “Write down everything you know about – whatever it is you were talking about; I’ll call one of the Potter elves to deliver it later. We’re going to pack a few things, I think Sirius has some clothes that should fit you.”

Regulus nods, fiddling with the quill, and James decides to leave him to it. Just as he and Sirius are about to leave the room, Regulus calls, “Wait!”

Turning back around, James watches him, hoping that there won’t be another argument coming; it’s all a mess already, all of them running on their last reserves of strength, and they can’t afford to lose any more time.

“Thank you,” Regulus says, the words quiet but sincere.

James smiles, but it’s Sirius who answers. “Always.”

As soon as the door to their bedroom closes behind them, Sirius twists, pushing James against the wood and crashing their mouths together.

His own hands come up on instinct, wrapping around Sirius’ waist, and he keeps his eyes closed even as Sirius pulls back to lean their foreheads together.

“We’d all be dead without you,” Sirius chokes out, voice breaking over the words, and his fingers press against James’ jaw so harshly that it’s bordering on painful. “We’d be all dead, and now we have to leave everything behind. Are you – I won’t force you to come with us.”

James huffs a laugh, wet and nearly hysterical. “Merlin, sometimes you’re such an idiot,” he presses out, his own throat closing up. “I’d go anywhere with you, anywhere at all. You should know that by now. And we’ll be safe. At least, we’ll finally be safe.”

The last words linger in his mind, circling as they haphazardly throw clothes and trinkets into bags, packing up only what they’ll need most. Linger as they send off the letter to Dumbledore and create a Portkey out of the mug that Lily gave them as a house-warming gift. As the three of them grab it tightly and are whisked away.

Circle through his mind still, as they set foot into the small cottage at the foot of a mountain, waves crashing in the distance, dark wood cracked with age but warm and cosy and safe.

They’ll be safe.

#prongsfoot #regulus black #sirius black #james potter #regulus black lives #my fic #answered prompt #i'm always happy to get them!#mona's writing

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ramblings-of-a-mad-cat · 4 years ago

Note

I don't want Percy to be MC's friend. He's a complete jerk who only cares about himself more than his friends, parents and siblings but at least, he learned his mistake in the last Harry Potter movie. Watch the video called "The Entire Life of Percy Weasley (Harry Potter Explained)"

I can’t say that I agree, anon, though I can understand finding Percy obnoxious, especially in this game. His personality can definitely rub people the wrong way. However, having just watched the video, I have to say that I think it’s very one-sided. I’ll try and go through everything that it talks about - under the cut because I have no filter.

Fred and George

To say that he didn’t like his brothers Fred and George, and that he wanted to control them, isn’t really accurate and it doesn’t acknowledge that whenever Fred and George were mentioned in conjunction with Percy, they were usually bullying him. Vandalizing his Head Boy badge, even though he was proud of having gotten the position and it meant a lot to him. Or the time that they literally sent him dragon dung. Or the time that they tried to leave him for dead in a Pyramid tomb. And it was played for laughs. I’m not condemning Fred and George because they were the human embodiment of the chaos alignment, so it makes sense that they would butt heads with Percy. Brothers pick on each other, I know it happens. But it’s not fair to act like Percy feeling distant from his other siblings was his own fault. Fred and George were really popular with the Weasleys and other kids. Percy, by comparison, was just tolerated. Even though he was the model student and the one who followed rules, and the twins were constantly causing trouble. Why should Percy be ashamed of doing what he’s supposed to do? Why shouldn’t he want attention and validation from his family? Maybe the reason he talked constantly about his accomplishments was because he wanted to be appreciated.

The other Weasleys

Most of the moments where he doesn’t get along with his family in the early books are not moments that Percy himself initiates. It’s primarily Ron, Ginny, or the Twins picking on him. He didn’t even feel like he could tell his family he was dating someone because he guessed (correctly) that they would bully him for it. Speaking of that, Ginny promised she would keep Percy’s secret, and then turned around and told basically everyone.

Despite all this, Percy very clearly cared about his family, well before Deathly Hallows. Like the time he boasted about Ron helping to win the House Cup. The time he tried to comfort Ginny, believing she was upset about Ron. The time he scolded Ron over this and warned him to stop going near the site of the Basilisk attacks because of how it would look. Or the time he watched out for Harry because Mrs. Weasley asked him to, “like an extremely pompous guard dog” as the video says. (Like I said, very one-sided.) Or the time that he refused to let go of Ron after Ron was used as a hostage in the Second Task. The video also attributes the end of Percy’s relationship with Penelope to him working too much in GOF...but there’s literally nothing in the books that ever suggests that.

The Triwizard Tournament

Like Bill, Percy is show constantly shown to be a good leader. He was named Prefect and Head Boy and he utterly embraced the positions. But the video mostly focuses on how proud he was of having gotten these positions and now enough on how he got them...because he earned them. In the same breath as talking about how he would apparate in the house every morning just to prove he could the video also talks about how Crouch barely gave Percy the time of day. Couldn’t be bothered to remember his name and just gave him pointless tasks. Despite how excited Percy was and how eagerly he would talk about all this to the rest of his family, who found it boring and avoided the topic. Percy is all alone in GOF. Even more so than he has been before. It’s really no wonder that he poured himself into his work and looked to the Ministry for support and validation, because he wasn’t getting any at home. He was just being belittled and humiliated at every turn. Of course, once Crouch was imperius’d, Percy thought he was finally getting recognition, but he was just being used. He was being set up as the fall guy. Even the villains are indirectly dismissive of this character!

Because Crouch was out of commission, Percy was having to deal with all his work. So to say that he valued laws and rules over his own family is not only cruel, it’s completely wrong. Percy is resentful of them because to him, it feels like their actions are creating more stress for him at work and ruining that environment for him too. Ruining his dreams. The Ministry (and the video) blames Percy for not figuring out that something was off about Crouch, but it was still the same hand-writing, so why would Percy question it?

The Estrangement

His supposed reprieve came when Fudge hired him as a Personal Assistant. Percy was excited and came home, hoping his Dad would be proud of him. But like always, Percy was disappointed. Arthur was right in his suspicions about why Fudge hired Percy, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Percy heard “You aren’t good enough to have gotten this job.” He heard Arthur refuse to believe that he might have actually earned this. That he was succeeding. “No Percy, this job isn’t real. The one person who’s actually valued you in recent memory is just manipulating you and it’s totally our fault for siding with Dumbledore, but I won’t admit to that.” That’s how it felt. And yeah, it was one time too many. The Weasleys have never conveyed to Percy that they appreciate him or want him around, so why should he want to stick around? Why didn’t anyone step in sooner, or come to his defense when he was taking the fall for Crouch? Why is it only when their agenda is threatened that they say something? And Percy is the selfish one? Why should he believe Voldemort has returned? I agree that what he said to Arthur about Arthur’s reputation and their family was horrible...but I think Percy-Antis view this as totally without cause. And the cause is clear.

I take issue with how the video describes Percy slamming the door in Molly’s face “without even giving her a chance.” Because that scene was never depicted. We don’t know what happened or what was said. We don’t know how long the conversation may have lasted. But y’know, if I was Percy, I don’t think I’d even answer the door. He’s made his choice - cut ties with his family. To Molly’s credit, she was one of the only Weasleys who praised his accomplishments...but neither she nor Arthur ever did anything about the constant, constant bullying. That might be pretty hard to forgive, and Percy never receives any apology for it. He’s the only one who apologies in the end.

The letter that Percy sends Ron seems pretty terrible until you look at it from from the perspective that he’s genuinely trying to protect his little brother. Which he has always done in his own way. It’s an olive branch. Look, the word on the street is that Harry Potter is constantly lying and potentially dangerous. Percy might very well have made the judgment call that his family was blinded by their loyalty to him. It’s not like Percy and Harry were ever close. Think about it. After befriending Harry, Ron consistently got involved in dangerous adventures like confronting acromantulas, dementors, devil’s snare, the list goes on. It’s not unreasonable at all that Percy might want Harry to stay away from Ron. I’ll agree that giving Umbridge an endorsement is jaw-dropping...but we don’t see them interact. Umbridge might have put on a completely different face around Percy. Or he might have simply trusted Fudge and repeated his words. We just don’t know.

Fudge’s Departure

Dumbledore said that it’s harder to forgive someone for being right, then it is for being wrong. I’m not going to go off on a Dumbledore-bashing tirade right now, because that’s hardly the point - but while that is very wise advice in general...it completely misses the real point of why Percy left. It doesn’t matter if Dumbledore was right and Fudge was wrong. (Though Percy no doubt felt horrible and humiliated yet again when he realized that.) What matters is that Percy’s family pushed him away and made him feel so isolated that Fudge valuing him was the only good thing going on in his life. Percy leaving doesn’t make him an asshole. But it does say a lot, not about him, that he decided Fudge’s approval and his job at the Ministry were worth moving out and cutting off all contact with his family. Dumbledore's assessment of Percy’s feelings once again ignores any responsibility that his family has in why he left in the first place.I genuinely do love the Weasleys to no end (just look at my URL) but their relationship to Percy was toxic.

Scrimgeour, like Fudge, used Percy to get to the Weasleys, and forced him to pretend that he wanted to see them when he didn’t. Try to imagine being in that position, especially when Molly was the only one who even acted happy to see him. Fred, George and Ginny threw food at him. Literally why would Percy ever want to see them again if this was the welcome that he got? It was already painful for him and they did not make it any easier. Sure, I know that it was probably painful for them too, but they were once again not even considering Percy’s feelings, just their own.

The Battle of Hogwarts

I’ve already talked about how Percy apologies for everything, and the other Weasleys apologize for nothing. Not gonna lie, this is realistic to an uncomfortable level. Family members who have been mistreated wind up being the ones to apologize because they miss their family, even though they often aren’t completely to blame. But this is probably never going to be addressed because immediately after the reconciliation, Fred died. Just imagine how much undeserved guilt Percy felt about that. And then look to the epilogue where there’s one final humorous moment about Harry seeing Percy at King’s Cross and making a mental note to avoid him. Literally nothing has changed. Percy is still the joke of the family. He’s just accepted it because without them, he’s alone. He’s learned to see himself as the problem, and not them.

...I am such a nerd. But I hope you can see where I’m coming from as well. Again, I love The Weasleys. I adore Fred and George. But Percy is not, and was never a bad guy. In some ways, he’s my favorite Weasley. I do love his character arc. But...I just...I wish there had been some apology from the twins as well.

#Percy Weasley #Percy Weasley Defense Squad #Harry Potter #Weasley Twins

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lamujerarana · 7 years ago

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people have been calling the ff dated for ages but I still don't understand it - I get that the dynamic is based off sixties sitcoms but I don't see why a story about family is perceived to be too old fashioned to resonate now - why do you think the ff lost their popularity?

I’ve written already on why I think the FF are still relevant and more important today than ever.

But as to why people consider them outdated, well, I think it’s a combination of two main things:

First, perceptions of the FF, among the general public but especially in comics fandom, are stuck in the past or very simplified. I think people see the bright uniforms and the family dynamic and assume that the FF are a happy, functional family who lead overly privileged lives, have no real problems, and always have goofy, ridiculous adventures. They think the FF’s lives are unrealistically bright and wholesome and happy, like something out of a Disney cartoon, which isn’t really in vogue at the moment. It’s similar to why people think Superman is no longer relevant (they are wrong on both counts).

Of course, they don’t realize that the FF’s lives aren’t like that in actual comics canon (this is why actually reading comics and not relying on fandom interpretations is important). Honestly, they never have been. They love each other, but they are not perfect people with perfect lives. That has literally always been the point of the FF. They’re more realistic and natural and flawed as people than the heroes who came before them (and, I’d argue, plenty who came after them). They bicker amongst themselves frequently. They have very real problems. As Waid wrote in FF V3 #60, the FF as a family is more Addams than Cleaver (or Kennedy). But the thing is, together they – and their love for each other – are perfect, and they can get through anything as a family. So, yes, there’s a hopeful message at the heart of FF comics, but that doesn’t mean their lives are storybook perfect. More like beset by tragedy, despair, and disillusionment, but that’s what makes the fact that they do overcome in the end so important. They’re the ones who never give up, no matter how bad everything gets, and things do get very, very bad for them. Literally, that is where Peter Parker and so many other heroes learned that “never give up!” phrase from.

I mean, for fuck’s sake, just to list SOME of the things they’ve been through:

Cut for length.

Johnny and Sue watched their father get murdered in front of them way back in 1964, when Johnny can’t have been more than 17. Johnny nearly died stopping a nuclear bomb from destroying a small town at 16, the same year he was one misfired bullet away from being shot to death. He is a rape survivor. He was trapped for two years in a Negative Zone prison where he was violently murdered and brought back to life, over and over, hundreds and hundreds of times. He’s been experimented on repeatedly, including by a future version of his own sister. He was beaten, during Civil War I, into a coma by the same civilians he’d repeatedly risked his life defending since he was literally a child. Ben’s superpowers are a thinly-veiled metaphor for full-body disfiguration, which he struggles to cope with daily (in Mythos: Fantastic Four he actually suffered full-body burns in the accident, which later turned into the rocky skin). Ben’s brother, father, and mother all died before he hit 18. Reed suffers from chronic anxiety because of his superpowers and the effort it takes him to retain a human shape. For several months, half of his face was badly scarred by Doom, and he believed there was no cure (it took divine intervention to fix it). Sue had her mind invaded, violated, and warped by the Psycho Man. She also witnessed her future self’s murder at the hands of Doom and held her own funeral. Reed and Sue’s kids have been possessed, thrown into hell, kidnapped, and forcibly taken away by court order. The FF lose everything periodically. Every member of the FF at one point or another has been either actually dead or presumed dead, and, yes, the others grieved. Are grieving, in Ben and Johnny’s case, over the loss of their entire family. Their origin story is 100% a horror story, where they are all turned into monsters against their will by a horrible accident they are lucky to have survived at all, and it was experienced by every member of the FF as deeply traumatizing. People never understand that the FF’s celebrity is a carefully constructed shield to protect the FF from discrimination and ostracization, or that it’s only partially successful. They have been called freaks, refused housing, subjected to bigoted mob violence because they are metahumans (and Franklin is a mutant), had people refuse to associate with them, been taken in the dead of night to military prisons and studied, where they witnessed another inmate being called a freak and executed…and that barely scratches the surface of what the FF have been through.

So, again, their lives are not always – in fact, rarely ever – like something out of a storybook. The point is that they overcome difficulties and tragedy as a family, not that they never face any the way people bafflingly seem to assume. This misconception of what the FF are like very much contributes to the hatred of the most recent FF movie as “too grim and dark,” when it is actually not too far off from the comics. Most of that film’s plot was taken from Ultimate Fantastic Four, and the scenes from the military prison are, frankly, watered down, less horrifying versions of Fantastic Four: First Family and 1610/616 canon in general. The FF in the comics are fascinating. They are all complex characters with complex problems. They can at times be delightful, hopeful, and happy, but there’s an undercurrent of tragedy and horror to their story that never goes away. They took a terrible, tragic accident and made the best of it, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t tragic.

Which leads me to my second point: fandom characterizations of individual members of the FF also tend to be outdated, simplistic, and so much duller than actual canon. For the most part, they are inaccurate, pure and simple. I partially blame the 2005/7 films for misconceptions about Johnny (who is NOTHING like that in the comics) and maybe Sue, partially the tendency fandom has to whip out 30-50yo, out-of-context panels to verify their outdated characterizations, and partially the mischaracterization of the FF when they guest star in other comics (Reed gets the worst of this by far – I still get angry about what Civil War, Mighty Avengers, and New Avengers: Illuminati did to his character. It was just petty and unnecessary and OOC – I suspect the writers were intentionally making him look bad to prop up their Avenger faves, which is gross and has done a lot of damage to fan perceptions of the FF).

So, for the record, Reed is not an arrogant, selfish jackass who loves science more than his family. That is the exact opposite of who he is. It was a literal plot point during Hickman’s run, that he has to listen to his heart just as much as his mind. Reed’s entire life revolves around his family. Everything he says or does is for them. And, for the record, he’s actually shown in canon being 100% involved in his wife and kids’ lives. Family picnics, family dinners, family movie nights, date nights, romantic island getaways, reading his kids bedtime stories, putting them to bed, nightly feedings, ball games, vacationing with the family at his California summer house – for fuck’s sake, he homeschools his kids. I have a VERY hard time buying that he neglects his kids when he’s sitting in a classroom with them several hours a day, five days a week. He’s also driven by his desire to make the world a better place – i.e., he feels a great deal of sympathy for the people around him and a moral responsibility to care for their well-being. And he is not boring! He’s an explorer! He’s Mr. Adventure! He’s half Indiana Jones, half Einstein. The FF’s lives are never boring when he’s around, and they all love him for it and love the life fantastic he makes possible for them all. And Reed works hard to give them that life because he feels so deeply guilty for the space flight accident that gave them their powers, which he believes robbed them all of a chance for a normal life. (No one else holds him responsible, but that’s Reed’s thing. Taking responsibility for everyone and everything around him.)

And, I can’t believe I actually have to say this because it is one of the most ridiculous arguments fandom has ever concocted, but Reed does not now nor has he ever abused his wife and children. Even in the 1970s, he broke through some serious mind control because the thought of physically harming Sue was so repulsive to him. He would literally die for her. The panels that typically get bandied around as indicative of his abusiveness are part of a badly-written plot that necessitated Reed act like a jerk for a few moments to save his wife’s life. Is it a terrible plot? Sure. Does it mean Reed is abusive? FUCK NO. It actually means the opposite – that is framed as very unlike him in the actual comic. So. Was he sexist/dismissive of Sue at times in the beginning? Sure, but pretty much every other male superhero who has been around more than maybe two decades was the same way about women. Let’s not kid ourselves – many male heroes still are condescending to women. So if we’re dismissing Reed because of period-typical sexism from 50-30 years ago, we’ve got to hold every male superhero who’s been around, oh, more than two decades accountable the same way. What matters is that Reed’s characterization has shifted since 1961 and he’s rarely – if ever – depicted as sexist these days and consistently hasn’t been since the late 1990s, which is more than I can say about certain popular, beloved male “heroes” who regularly get taken up as feminists by fandom, despite their lengthy history of violent, abusive behavior towards women, behavior that has never been addressed and they’ve never been held accountable for (is it sad that I am thinking of two separate “heroes” when I say this? Reading the comics is important, kids, because it keeps you from doing things like that). Mostly I think we need to differentiate between period-typical sexism – which we can assume would no longer occur in a modern-day context when a sliding timescale is taken into account (i.e., a character expresses a sexist belief because it is seen as normal in the time period in which the comic was written, but once it’s updated to a modern-day context, they would no longer do so) – and virulent misogyny, which is a set character trait that does not change even if you move the story forward into modern times. Reed is the former, not the latter (he was actually, if you can believe this, considered “hen-pecked” in the 1960s). As a point of comparison, Reed nowadays is consistently depicted treating his wife as his equal if not better, while Namor’s toxic, condescending, misogynistic treatment of Sue remains very much unchanged (despite the disturbing tendency of some writers to romanticize Namor’s unhealthy obsession with Sue). So. Reed’s sexism in the 1960s was period-typical, Namor’s was and is due to his own misogyny. One changes, the other does not. And also? Reed’s wife is one of the most powerful women in the Marvel Universe, and she’s smart as hell. She doesn’t let him get away with anything, even on those very rare occasions when he tries, believe me. If he keeps a secret out of a misguided desire to “protect” her, he knows it’s only a matter of time before she figures it out, and she always, always does, sooner rather than later. (It’s hard to keep secrets from someone who can turn invisible.) But most of all, Reed and Sue are equals and partners, in every sense of the word. They are one hell of a power couple, emphasis on the “power.”

Sue isn’t a weak, passive, neglected housewife who dotes on Reed’s every word. Please stop with that. She’s a ridiculously powerful badass superhero, the COO of Fantastic Four, Inc., a dedicated philanthropist, an intrepid explorer, a part-time SHIELD agent, a skilled diplomat, the Queen of Old Atlantis, and a woman who can defeat the Avengers singlehandedly, terrify seasoned supervillains into fainting from sheer terror, and easily outsmart men who are trying to outmaneuver her politically. And she’s a very happily married woman, thank you very much, who adores her husband and considers herself his equal, and he feels the same way. He has, in fact, called her the true leader and most powerful member of the FF, and she describes him as a man who “oozes integrity” and calls her love for him “the lodestone of my being.” He’s grateful that she loves him, and says he loves her more than anything. She loves Reed and she loves that her life with him is always interesting, one adventure after another. Let me explain something that sums up Reed and Sue’s modern-day dynamic to you: bad guy does something to piss Sue off (like threatening/harming a family member), Reed makes sure other good guys keep out of the way so she can personally kick bad guy’s ass, doesn’t even question whether his wife can handle it because he knows she can, enjoys watching Sue kick the shit out of said bad guy because she’s such a badass and he’s so proud of her. This happens more than once. Reed gets captured, body swapped, mind controlled, etc.? “Not worried. I know Sue will save me, even if she has no reason to think I’m in trouble. She’ll figure it out and save me because she’s so smart and wonderful.” Sue needs to do something well-nigh impossible? “She can do it. I believe in her.” He trusts her implicitly. So. Reed is sweet and gentle as a lamb, and Sue is as fierce as a lioness. Personally, I have to say, sweet, absent-minded, unassuming scientist/husband and scary, badass, overly capable, powerful COO/queen/wife is exactly the sort of ship I love. So, hey, guys? Maybe don’t assume their marriage has the same dynamic it had 50 years ago. Because it doesn’t, and I think if you stopped to think about it for ten seconds, you would know that a sexist dynamic like that wouldn’t have survived this long.

Johnny’s not a conceited playboy/frat boy or a jock. I assure you he has never been in a frat in his life – he dropped out of college to be with his serious girlfriend – who he nearly married – not long after enrolling (…at like 19, he was already trying to get married…he just wants a family). He’s very noble, compassionate, gentle, heroic, loathes violence, and cares deeply about the greater good/helping other people. He’s very paranoid about potentially losing control and harming other people with his powers because he would literally rather die than let that happen. He’s VERY responsible and always in control when it comes to his powers, because if he’s not people die. He doesn’t like sports very much – he’s a geek who canonically loves video games, Star Wars, The Matrix, Quantum Leap, Sliders, and Buffy. He loves fashion and cars and Broadway and cooking and babies and his family and his hair. He has very low self-esteem – mostly he thinks he’s worthless without his powers and that people only like him for his looks (which is why he’s so fixated on them, btw). He wants desperately to find true love, get married, and have kids of his own, but he never manages to do it, which always negatively affects his self-esteem. He’s only ever broken up with someone ONCE in his whole life (Lyja, for excellent reasons) – his partners, on the other hand, dump him, over and over, in the most traumatizing, dismissive ways possible. He is bipolar (he’s called himself manic-depressive in 1970s FF canon, an older term for bipolar), and suffers from chronic depression. He’s also word-of-god canon queer, and his character has a pretty lengthy history of queer-coding. So, you know, maybe stop assuming he’s a straight dudebro jock when he’s very much not in the comics.

Ben, as I’ve mentioned, isn’t a happy-go-lucky guy who is just a collection of antiquated quips – he struggles constantly with his superpower/disability and the depression it causes. It took YEARS for him to work up the courage to go out in public (when not superheroing) without hiding behind a trench coat/hat combo. He thought of himself as hideous and monstrous and would frequently have angry outbursts when people reacted to him with horror or disgust. It was only his family’s unconditional love and loyalty as well as Alicia’s capacity to see the good man within that helped him, after a very long time, to accept himself. His story is one of struggling with disability and learning to love yourself again. It’s hard for him! It’s incredibly hard and he still backslides some days. Also, he’s Jewish! Why doesn’t anyone ever know that he is canonically a Jewish war hero who originally fought in WWII? He’s a fascinating, important character and I think he could resonate strongly with modern audiences.

Basically, fandom is very, very wrong about all of them. Everything about the FF that fandom thinks is “outdated” or “boring” or “unlikable” is either an invention of fandom or something it cannot move past even though canon (largely, with very few exceptions) did long ago, and thus it does not coincide with actual, modern-day canon.

Fantastic Four comics are not stuck in the 1960s. Fandom is.

#androidavenger #fantastic four #reed richards #ben grimm #susan storm #johnny storm #brief rape mention #i didn't add links for everything #but if you want to know where in canon #im getting something from #let me know #ive got the panels #fandom problems

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adventurousrecovery · 7 years ago

Conversation

You Wish

I was beaten and I let him. By the end of our relationship I was being called names, accused of doing things I hadn't done, constantly put down, and anything I did was never good enough. Our relationship ended and I had no idea who I was. I fell apart only to put myself back together. Five years later my ex contacts me via my artist page. I had recently changed the name on my personal page, making it difficult for clients and weirdos to find me. I am glad I did so. I finally enter into a relationship after 5 years and shortly after am contacted by my ex, who is now married with a kid.

(December 11, 2017)

Ex: Hey, Caitlin! How are you!?

Me: I am doing well. It's been a tough year with changes and losses, but has drastically taken a turn.

(December 12, 2017)

Ex: I'm sorry to hear you've been through some stuff, but I'm thankful things seem to be getting better! Listen...I was going through some stuff and stumbled upon your old gameboy. I thought you might appreciate getting it back.

*sends picture of the gameboy*

Me: Yes!

Ex: Awesome! Well I'm not sure what your schedule is like these days, but just let me know and we'll figured something out.

Me: I live in Terre Haute, but occasionally come south for the weekends and appointments. I will be down south this weekend, but not sure if I will make it to Eville on Sunday. I have numerous things in Evansville Monday and plan on attending AOC.

Ex: Ok that's fine. Just send me a message when you're in town and we'll work something out!

Me: Sounds good!

Me: Did you happen to find any cartridges that went with it?

Ex: Pokemon Special Pikachu is in it. If there were any other cartridges you had that are missing I'm more than happy to replace them. The kids used them...so there's no tellin where they may be at this point!

Me: Naw, that's fine.

( I only wanted my Pokemon cartridge because I was obsessed with it as a child and the most important of the few I had. I never contacted him. My weekend was so overwhelming with the introduction of my dog to my family while being reminded as to why I limit visits. I was so upset and anxious by being home that I thought it best to return to Terre Haute. I did not inform him. I didn't have to. I owed him nothing. I spent the week reflecting on how far I had come since he had broken up with me. I needed to remind myself of the person I had become.)

(December 23, 2017)

Me: I will be in Eville this evening. Is there a time that works for you?

Ex: Shouldn't matter too much. I have a house over by UE off walnut. Where will you be?

(Why mention the location of your house? Attempted bragging? Did he expect me to stop by, alone? Pffft....please.)

Me: I will be at AOC. I may also be somewhere before or after that depending on my sister and her choice place of meeting for Christmas exchange.

Ex: Ok just let me know when you're in town and we'll figure it out.

(His grammar and punctuation became sloppy compared to when he first messaged me. I did not respond, but 3 hours later he felt a need attempt to gain control.)

Ex: I'll just plan on meeting you over at AOC if that's ok

Me: Sure, before or after? The parking lot is jank because it is under construction so parking is on the side streets.

Ex: Probably before. What time will you be there?

Me: Hahaha no clue because I am currently making Christmas treats and it is not going well.

(The treat making not going well was true. However, I did know what time I would arrive, 6:30 when it started at 7:00. I needed time to compose and center myself.)

Ex: Lol it's all good. Whatever works for you is cool with me.

Me: I will try to be there 15 min early, but it is in the big building not the small.

Ex: Ok when does it start? 7?

Me: Yes

Ex: Cool

(3 hours later)

Me: I'm here. The entrance that faces Lincoln is open with the flag pole

Ex: What are you driving?

(Why did that matter? I kept my description minimal. The lack of lighting and parking on the side streets would make it difficult for him to locate my car.)

Me: My Pontiac, but I'm inside.

(I wanted it to be clear that I was not stepping outside. If he wanted to meet he had to put forth effort. I had contacted other members and informed them of his history and that we were meeting. They were there for safety. He arrived 10 minutes before the meeting. He brought his son and wife. Members acknowledged his arrival, greeting him with hugs though he hadn't been to a meeting there since we dated. I know because I was terrified I would see him there after we broke up. He avoided eye contact. In fact, he handed me my gameboy while having a conversation with someone else, not even looking in my direction. I thanked him. His family left. I expected more, but was happy it was over. I thought maybe he had changed was going to make an amends considering it is a 12 Step program. Nope. During the meeting, he further messages me and it took a completely different direction of weird while confirming his narcissistic personality.)

Ex: Hey listen...I wanted to stay and talk with you a bit, but you seemed upset. I didn't want to ruin your night or anything. Since I had the family with me I didn't think it would be best to stick around...especially if you feel any animosity toward me. I just wanted to give you your gameboy. Thought it might make you happy to have it back after all these years. If you're upset with me about something please let me know so I can do my best to fix it. Praying for you...and I sincerely hope you have a wonderful Christmas, Caitlin.

(He assumed I was upset, creating a situation that doesn't exist so he might wiggle his way into my life and feel better about himself. My happiness is not nor was it ever dependent on the return of my Gameboy. Therefore, there is nothing to fix. I mended myself.)

(Minutes later)

Ex: Can I call you or you call me when you leave there? I don't want there to be any unresolved issues anymore. I can feel there are. *gives me his number*

(That's a fuck no. I will not provide a means of further harassment.)

(2 hours later)

Ex: It's been 5 years. That's a long time to hold onto something. I can't make it better if you don't let me. I'm here when you're ready to talk.

(He thought about it for hours. What makes him think he has the power to "make it better"? It is clear that it is bothering him more than it has me. I was given 5 years of being single to rebuild my life and become the woman that I am. I am aware of his manipulative, sneaky, and narcissistic games. I have the advantage. I worked through the emotions surrounding our relationship. He jumped into another relationship before ours was over, distracting himself from whatever core issue is now currently eating at him.)

(December 24, 2017)

I received a message from my ex's wife via my artist page and personal page.

Wife: Good morning Caitlin. I hope this message finds you well. I read your blog and am saddened by the picture you've painted of (insert Ex's name here). He is a excellent father and husband, nothing like what you have depicted. (Insert ex's name here) has never spoken badly of you and only said that he ended the relationship between you and him because he didn't see a future with you and didn't want to lead you on. This was before I met him and I understand people make mistakes. But he is not the monster you make him sound like. The time you had with him was a fraction of the years we have been together. I have been in a relationship with him since August 2013 and while he has flaws like everyone, he has grown into a wonderful, god-fearing, hardworking man. You do not know who he is. While you were in his life for a season, you cannot possible know who he is now. I'm not saying that he didn't do anything to hurt you. What I am saying is he is not the same person he was when he first started recovery. We recently moved into our first home and while we were moving one of the kids found your gameboy. The only intentions Abe had were to do a kind deed in the spirit of Christmas. In no way was he trying to be malicious or cause you pain. (Insert ex's name here) is a changed man from what you knew. I urge you as a sister in Christ to forgive as Christ forgave us. He has moved on and is happy and that's all he wishes for you. I pray you find happiness and wish you all the best. Merry Christmas.

(While viewing this message I accidentally highlighted the conversation, emojis popped up while I attempted to scroll and hit the thumbs down. I did not know how to take back, but I assume it did not go over well for I received another message.)

Wife: Obviously you aren't at a point in your life where we can handle things like mature adults. I'm sorry to have wasted your time and mine. Either way, I hope you have a good Christmas.

Me: Due to the holiday I had the intention of waiting to respond, but because I am not technologically savvy, I accidentally hit a thumbs down and it was misinterpreted. I have and had every intention of responding, but due to the holidays I request that out of respect and consideration for all involved, we each take time to spend time with our families. Merry Christmas!

(First of all, why am I of any concern to his wife? Second, why is my blog of any interest? Third, for one to assume I have not healed or endured such a painful process is quite judgemental. Determining my happiness based on your life aspirations and experiences judgemental and close-minded. Healing, happiness, and truth are dependent upon the perspective of the individual to whom it matters most, myself. Lastly, my words are not untrue because they come from a different perspective. All that I have written is based on my personal perspective and experience in the time I spent with him. I would like to think he is a changed man and I hope to God he is, but the abuse happened. He did not lay a hand on me, but physical touch is not required to meet the criteria for abuse. I continue to see him as the person he once was for I never saw who he became. Why would I? Our relationship ended and there was no reason to reconvene and share stories. Abuse is a form of trauma and it took its toll on my mentality and I admit I am still affected by those past experiences. For example, I was driven by fear, paranoia, and convinced everything had an ulterior motive and that returned in my writing of this post. It doesn't mean it is wrong. I was shown what was not to be tolerated in a relationship and for that I am thankful for I have refused to settle for less than what I deserve. I did not deserve him. I deserved much better.

I spoke to my sponsor, as one does when such an issue might arise in recovery, and saw my part. I should clarify this posting is not a form of retaliation or intended to do harm, but is a personal perspective of true events. I know what I want and how I would like this to be "fixed" assuming that it can be or needs to. However, my request to my ex is recovery based without the influence of others and should be left at that. That request cannot be guaranteed and for me to take action in an attempt to force things to be "fixed" is handing my problems to God only to snatch them back again. I pray for God's will and his timing, that should the opportunity arise I be given the words to speak that others may hear to reach resolution.

#recovery #addict #addiction #drug addict #drug addiction #drug abuse #cutting #cutter #self harm #self injury #mental health #abuse #domestic violence #dating abuse #dating violence #abusive relationship #ex

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