#so nobody thinks i'm ignoring their messages etc

[bitteryule]

i'll be out of town for about a week for egl adventures so i'll catch up with you all later! ₍⑅ᐢ..ᐢ₎

[asterrx]

Lee Jeno x Male Reader

warnings: idol boyfriend jeno,blowjob,unprotected sex,bathroom sex,roughsex,etc.

The night at the concert, you were in the crowd, like any other person, with your lightstick and a banner to support your boyfriend, Lee Jeno who is performing.

Nobody knows that you're in a relationship with the idol that is on the stage with his members right now, the concert was mind blowing, it went so well, all the members gave their all, but Renjun couldn't be there because he was in a hiatus. And when they performed 'Smoothie' Jeno suddenly took off his shirt, shocking the members and all the people there, his well toned abs and his biceos, his mucles were all so manly, nobody could take their eyes off him.

Even though he's very hot and sexy, you were sonehow feeling sad, and jealousy starts building up deep inside you. You couldn't think straight, everybody, literally everybody at the concert has seen your boyfriend shirtless, you feel like something that has always been yours have been taken away from you. Seeing your boyfriend shirtless on stage having fun while everyone is drooling over him somehow makes you angry.

And after that he act al cute and innocent later at the concert, knowing damn well what he did.

After the concert, Jeno texted you telling you to meet him backstage, but you just ignored his message which confused Jeno, and eventually he calls you on the phone, "Hi babe, I was texting you but you weren't replying, can you please check your message..." he says, you just said yes and checked the message.

Then, you went to the backstage as Jeno asked you to, the members were there, greeting you with warm smiles and you could tell behind their happy faces they were really tired, it was such a long show.

Jeno hugs you from behind and says,"Hi baby boy, I've missed you",he pecks your cheeks, and you just stood stilk, not even reacting. Jeno was a bit confused, he can tell from your face that you were upset. So, he tries to lighten your mood, he asks you about the show, whether you liked it or not and you just ignored him which made Jeno wonder what he did wrong.

At the drive home, you stayed silent while Jeno talked about the show, how good it feels to perform on stage, you just listened without giving him any response.

Wanting to gain your attention, he kissed your lips softly, you just pulled away and told him to focus on the road and keep on driving. He was a bit sad, not knowing what made you upset, "Do you want to get ice cream?" he asked to which you replied,"I'm not in the mood to eat ice-cream", Jeno is now feeling bad.

You finally reached your shared apartment and as soon as you ckosed the door, Jeno pinned you against the wall, "Why are you ignoring me?" he said, "I'm not",you replied, "You were having fun right?" you added, Jeno had no clue,a look of confusion on his face, you rolled your eyes and headed to the bathroom to take a shower.

You entered the shower and took off your clothes, standing completely naked in front of the mirror, now you turned on the shower, the water was warm, it was really relaxing. On the other side of the door, Jeno was pacing back and forth, wanting to apologise, he snuck in tye bathroom and suddenly hugs you from behind, "Baby, please stop ignoring me...I'm sorry", he said, but you rolled your eyes, "Can you please get out, I'm not done yet...you can come back when I'm done", you said.

This time Jeno had enough, he sighed, then he suddenly turned you around to face him, manhandling you and he just started kissing you roughly, the kiss was rough, it was intense. So intense that you could swnse all the frustrations he was facing. "I've had enough", he said, then you mentioned about what he did on stage, then Jeno's eyes widened, "All I did was trying my best, and now you're complaining, it's frustrating...", he said, then he pulled you back in for another kiss.

His clothes are all soaking wet now, he ripped his shirt off, still kisding you, the kiss was driving you insane, all you could think of was how hot he was on stage, with all hos sweat dripping down his body.

Now Jeno finally pulled away, then he pulled his boxers down, revealing his big hard cock which sprung up in an instand, he took your hand and let you stroke it slowly, precum dripping from the tip of his dick, you kneeled down licking his precum clean, his dick was a bit salty and musky since he was sweating so much from the concert.

You are now bobbing you head up and down his big cock, taking it balls deep, Jeno throwing his head back, rolling his eyes back, he felt so good, you look up at him with teary eyes, Jeno looked down at you, the sight was like the hottest thing for him, he always liked to see you face while you suck him off.

After several minutes Jeno pulled back and lifts you up, he bend you down as you held on the sink for support, Jeno then stroked his dick and placed himself on your entrance, he suddenly thrust, balls deep, making you scream, it feels like your hole is gonna tear, even though you had sex with Jeno countless times, you're never able to adjust to his size. Then he started moving, his pace was rough and hard, your moans filled the bathroom, Jeno grunts, your reflection on the mirror as he was fucking you was making him more excited, then he started moving even faster, making you scream in pleasure, Jeno always loved it when you moan. Most of the times, you act all tough but when Jeno's in control, you're just a little hopeless kitty.

Minutes passed and you jave switched to different positions, you felt you orgasm approaching, Jeno xan easily tell from how your breath becomes faster, then he grabbed your cock and placed his thumb on your tip, "Wait for me", he said, you moaned louder, Jeno's thrust are now faster and harder, he was also about to cum, "Cumming", he whispered, just then, he released your cock, you came on the bathroom floof as Jeno buried his seed deep inside your hole.

After that you took a shower together, after care is what Jeno is a about, he is a monster when it comes to sex, but he takes good care of you as if he didn't just toom your ability to walk.

Then you walked out of the bathroom, changed into comfy clothes and then cuddled on the bed. "I'm sorry baby", he said, "I did it just for you", he added, "I was just jealous, that everyone got to see my hot boyfriend shirtless",you replied, Jeno was smiling, your words turned him on again, you can tell from his face. He was now ready for a second round, he's got that stamina of a fucking beast, then you just pretended to be asleep, knowing what wilk happen if you didn't.

[megabuild]

bit of a ramble below! tl:dr; i have insane person problems and realised that this blog isn't healthy for me so won't be coming back until i'm in a better place, i have no intent on deleting it but may password protect it in the coming days for my own peace of mind :P love yall!

the absolute basics on my situation is that i almost certainly have OCD, have been vocal about this likelihood in the past, and while i was aware i was susceptible to obsessions and compulsions irt online interactions and my posts on here i was not actually aware of how debilitating the effect this was having on my life was until i went completely cold turkey and blocked tumblr from all my devices. like genuinely night and day. i have so much more free time when i'm not spending it constantly name searching on every platform available and scrolling through my blog over and over to be sure that i didn't post a slur by accident lol. i'd rather not get into some of the stupider details of shit ive done in the name of perceived moral purity because that's nobody's business but trust me when i say it was like a weight got lifted off my fucking shoulders lol like i was having regular delusions about making a post so bad grian himself would say i should kill myself on stream and believing it was possible 😭 really good disorder guys i love having this

i have a lot to say about the way this community treats each other, both good and bad, but i think i'd rather hold off and make more informed and thought out posts on that when i'm not still reeling from all the bullshit life's been throwing at me. i do love and value this community so much, especially all the mutuals and friends i've made here. i've also been made extremely uncomfortable in the past by the easiness that people slip into very strange relationships not just with CCs but with their fellow bloggers. including me ! and i am a relatively small blogger in the vast scheme of things. this is no hate to anyone who's sent an anon or whatever, many of you are lovely people, but it's also like, well i have been literally stalked on this blog before so i feel i have justification for being a tad uncomfortable . again, a lot to be said on the celebritification of average people and the obsession on making sure one makes "Objectively Correct" choices when doing something as simple as watching a minecraft series and having opinions on it .. but alas, no brain for it right now, and also i would rather not risk the ire of twitter teenager #48 lest i be qrted by thumbnail artists telling me to lighten up and accept the steady decay of all that is good in this sphere in order to make room for more #Content. Sit down and eat your yaoibait you stupid faggot! sorry this is a serious post ignore that part

to any of my beloved oomfies you are free to message and ask for my discord though i am also being a bit difficult to reach over there rn my bad (and i may not get back to you quickly because as soon I post this I am logging straight the fuck back out).. i have made a separate tumblr account from this one which is less social media and more a little archive of images and art i like (and also is not related to mcyt at all, outside of maybe one or two art reblogs if i see something that really catches my eye) so if we've hung out and you don't exclusively post mcyt you might see me around in your notifs but i'd prefer not to be linked back here. any projects, fics, other blogs etc. i have been working on consider on pause for eternity, with the only exclusions being 3rd life miraheze (which i'm currently looking into options for but will certainly never go away! much love still to all our contributors who have worked tirelessly through wild life to update our various spreadsheets and tables) and aoyuer which i'm sort of picking up and taking away and hitting with hammers until it's sufficiently divided from mcyt and i can call it an oc story for real. peep my toyhouse if ye are so inclined and wont tell the adoptbrained callout squads over there that my oc once upon a time was lowkey rpf.

anyway this has already gotten far too long as i'm a chronic yapper and overexplainer but thank you very much for hanging out with me and talking about these stupid ass blocks. i have a handful of posts in the queue i wont be getting rid of and don't doubt i will come back to chat more shit in future but at the end of the day i'm here to have a fun time on the computer and i just was not having that anymore. i was having a scary and fucked up time on the computer, and life is too short to put yourself through that out of some butchered sense of responsibility to the niche follower base you've cultivated. if you also have ocd delete your blog as soon as it hits 1k like actually. if you worked in the askbox mines and are now facing redundancy then go follow my enemy thecoolerliauditore. or dont im not your boss anymore. im too busy homebrewing my 3ds. smooches mwahs !!!!!!!!!

[fairuzfan]

I don’t ask this expecting you have THE answer or that there is one, but I follow a non Palestinian white man on insta (in addition to many Palestinian folks in diaspora and in Palestine) who mostly shares things from Palestinian ppl/sources.

He has several times criticized / shared criticism of charity dinners, music festivals etc raising funds for Gaza with the perspective of, it’s not appropriate to have a dance party or dinner while people are undergoing genocide, but also that in this moment, art isn’t resistance because there needs to be physical resistance, blockades of weapons, etc.

I’ve seen this echoed from some others especially critiquing white folks trying to claim “joy is resistance” right now, which makes sense to me, but i also wonder if it’s reductive to say art or music is not resistance because I feel like it can have a lot of power especially alongside social movements… was wondering if you had thoughts on this or perhaps knew where I could look to learn more.

Please ignore if this is too much, and thank you

I think things like writing and illustration and music feeds into the spirit of revolution and is necessary in that way. You have to energize the masses somehow, and to ensure that your message spreads as far as possible. A good way is to make art, or to sing a song, or write a story.

That's why Wisam Rafeedi wrote his book and different resistance factions make posters and videos — to spread their ideas and garner support among the masses.

It's not as important as putting yourself in immediate physical danger to incapacitate the colonial entity — but I think for Palestinians and other colonized peoples, they do need to make art to really process their thoughts. Of course there's a difference when a Palestinian in Palestine, a Palestinian in the diaspora, a nonPalestinian ally of color, and a NonPalestinian white ally do this. I won't deny that there's a nuance when it comes to this.

But writers who write about Palestinian Liberation historically have been assassinated because of how they participate in liberation actions and also spread ideas of liberation themselves. I don't know which white guy you're talking about but I feel like this is mostly a conversation that should be led by Palestinians if we're talking about Palestine because they understand the nuance of saying statements like "the only resistance is physical." I understand what he's saying to an extent but that does erase a lot of Palestinian resistance the past few decades by making sweeping statements like "art is not resistance" and kind of simplifies the issue at hand.

Charity dinners and galas and that stuff... I don't know what I think about them, I think that people are going to do it either way so my opinion doesn't really matter. Hey, if you're going to raise thousands of dollars for Palestine, I'm not going to stop you at all. I personally think you should try to avoid posting pictures and stuff like that from the gala itself if you're going to host one just out of courtesy.

I guess overall what I'm trying to say, art resistance becomes physical a lot of the time. I think its really reductive to say "art isn't resistance" and also personally insulting considering I have family members and friends who were journalists, creative writers, and artists and killed/targeted for their work.

Here's this article by Fargo Tbahkhi about the role of writing during a genocide that might be a good read. They also mention how Israeli propaganda (calling Palestinians "human animals"/"Amalek" as an example) is specifically a use of culture and writing to energize people to commit genocide. An especially poignant part that I completely agree with, and am trying to get at:

Palestine requires that we abandon this catharsis. Nobody should get out of our work feeling purged, clean. Nobody should live happily during the war. Our readers can feel that way when liberation is the precondition for our work, and not the dream. When it is the place we stand, and not the place we shake ourselves towards. In this way, what the long middle of revolution requires, what Palestine requires, is an approach to writing whose primary purpose is to gather others up with us, to generate within them an energy which their bodies cannot translate into anything but revolutionary movement. This is what Boal modeled for us in his theatrical experiments, which were dedicated to empowering audiences to act, to participate in a creative struggle to envision and embody alternatives. For Boal, theater was not revolution, but it was a rehearsal for the revolution, meant to gather communities together in that rehearsal. Creative work readies us for material work, by offering a space to try out strategies, think through contradictions, remind us of our own agency.  

[oodlyenough]

alright i started trying to write my s2 thoughts and just this one element already got long as hell and it's maybe my hottest take and most #unpopular opinion based on skimming other reactions so. whatever. i'm quarantining it to its own post god help me.

but

Speaking as someone who loved him the most in s1, to be honest I don't think Viktor's story in s2 was particularly good. I feel like they got into the season, realized they were supposed to vaguely tie into League lore, sort of haphazardly gave him some word salad speeches about evolution and emotion, and called it a day. I thought his cult motivations, the influence (or not) of the hexcore, etc were all pretty underwritten.

But in particular I'm bothered by the speech Jayce gives about Viktor "wanting to cure what [he] thought were weaknesses" and the suggestion that Viktor was doing evil blood magic because he was insecure about his disabilities and felt lesser-than because of them. This is just straight up not true in season 1. He does blood magic in 1.2-1.3 because he is DYING. It's like everyone in the show and the fandom forgot he was terminally ill. Conflating the general feel-good "love your body as it is" messaging around disability with *terminal illness* is just ... What.... in the world...?

In season one we saw *other people* treat him as lesser bc he was disabled, while Viktor's introductory speech is "nobody ever believed in [...] a poor cripple from the undercity, [but] I believed in myself". No one in s2 ever acknowledging that he took risks with the hexcore because he didn't want to die at, like, age 30 OR that by the end of s1 he had done the "morally correct" thing of accepting his mortality only for Jayce (and later Singed lol) to ignore that and plug the hexcore into him against his will... Jayce doesn't even own up to that or apologize for his role in things lmao I mean, #classic Jayce, but what is happening here.

If they wanted Viktor to be the average Spiderman villain messing around with science to cure his disabilities and unleashing eldritch horrors in the process, they could've written that in season 1 very easily. And of course it's great that Jayce loves him as he is -- to be honest season 1 never gave me any reason to think otherwise, but it's nice for Viktor to hear it, sure. But they specifically made him terminally ill only to act like that never happened, or like terminal illness is an "imperfection" you can defeat with body positivity and self-love. It's so tonally weird. I've seen a lot of people who were very moved by Jayce's speech about loving him anyway, and I'm happy people found meaning in it, but I was jaw dropped. Viktor was never "broken", yes, but he was fucking dying, and there is a difference.

[birdofmay]

Talking about a discourse that doesn't even exist on Tumblr

On Tumblr, us higher support needs nonverbal/nonspeaking people often had 2 possible scenarios to deal with:

1. People ignore us and our opinion because our writing isn't "proper" English, and they make fun of us or comment on our writing style.

2. People think we're faking because our writing is good.

I couldn't care less about scenario number 2. And luckily I'm not affected by scenario number 1.

But what happens now is that somebody tries to discuss a Twitter discourse that simply doesn't exist here on Tumblr: Nonverbal/nonspeaking people with severe or profound autism and/or severe or profound intellectual disability who use FC to run their blogs.

This isn't happening.

Nobody on here (except maybe 1 person, but even there I'm not sure) has profound autism. Severe yes, there are some. But we don't use FC to run our blogs. Nobody on here (except maybe 1 person) has a profound ID. Severe yeah, maybe. But most people with ID are mild or moderate. And none of them use FC to run their blog.

So what happens now is scenario number 3:

3. People (or rather 1 online troll) think that what we write is facilitated and not our own words.

Especially those of us who have severe autism and/or ID. This is worse than scenario number 1 or 2. Especially because there's no way to disprove it. The better our grammar, the higher the probability that somebody else wrote our posts; at least to this online troll.

So whenever you encounter someone who says that what we write is facilitated and/or written by someone else: Don't believe them. Yes, sometimes people write something for us, but we can always check if we agree with what's been written.

I've heard of the FC problem where caregivers wrote something for the nonverbal/nonspeaking person, and it always was about how great FC was, etc. I think this was on Twitter and on individual blogs somewhere on the internet. But this isn't happening on Tumblr. Nobody with severe autism and/or severe or profound ID uses FC to run their blog on Tumblr.

It's basically "Yelling into the void".

Edit:

Since this post reached people who aren't aware of what was going on lately:

FC is short for Facilitated Communication. It's a method for people who can't speak and struggle greatly with other communication methods, such as writing, signing, or using an AAC device.

There's nothing wrong with people helping someone to run their blog; I, too, sometimes need help to run my blog. There's also nothing wrong with people writing posts or messages for someone. This post was only to inform others that nobody on Tumblr uses FC full time to run their blog. Because this is what this troll believes. She basically complains about something that's not the case.

[not-the-conversation-starter]

What’s your opinion on Berdly from Deltarune?

Do you mean as like, a character or as a person? As a character he's an expertly crafted annoying egotistical teenager with a heart of gold that he's too stupid to realize he isn't actually using it. His pivot to saying stuff like "I'm stupid now" is kind of perfect, massive over compensation is hilarious. Fits right in with him not even realizing he just wants to be friends with Susie and Noelle, immediately assuming any attraction to a woman who plays video games MUST be romantic. Plus even though it's played for laughs in the Dark World, him thinking it's a dream just means he gets to use it as actual character growth without thinking he needs to do the over compensation things.

He is also just really annoying! This positions him perfectly for being the First Kill. The opposite of someone like Toriel or Papyrus, he's someone used to make killing easier. You can "rationalize" that he's sexist, annoying, makes-way-too-many-johns, expendable, etc. Simply ignoring the fact that he's in highschool and you're sentencing someone who's 18 at most to death to become more powerful. And that it's easier because he's annoying. Think about how many memes there would be about killing Alphys being satisfying and/or relaxing if that stopped her messages half-way through Hotland?

It's an interesting thing to think about, and I wonder how involved he'll actually be in later chapters to make his death more/less meaningful? Especially if the neutral route isn't that different from the All Recruits. Could we kill Berdly and the town just, mostly carries on like normal after? Does the festival still happen just, without his dialog? Maybe it's the only way to see a family member NPC looking for him. Or does casting Snowgrave permanently cut us onto this second story line, no matter what we do we can't go back to the Main Route as it were. He's in a very interesting position, like most pivotal characters in the UNDERTALE series.

As a person, I knew and were friends with people even more annoying and egotistical than him. Nobody as stupid (well yes as stupid or even worse, but they weren't egotistical) but he's a comedy character so he gets a pass on that. I was definitely more annoying than him in Highschool LOL. He's clearly just a kid and as shown in the chapter he's capable of growth, though he needs to work on his Johns. Being mad about Wavedashing is kind of like being mad about En passant in chess. As stupid as it is, it makes the game better so it's included in the official rules.

If I knew him in Highschool though I would want to chop his head off with a huge axe medieval style though until the senior year where I would become amicable with him in an attempt to curb his sexism and steer him away from incelitude. Probably happens after playing videos games with other people and he ends up in the group from someone else. Then in post-highschool I would drift away from literally everyone and end up somewhere else entirely due to inheriting my estranged uncles estate and ancient treasure map. I die like a year into the quest because I misread the instructions and died to a scorpion amber pit trap.

(It's a normal pitfall, but then you are crushed to death by thousands of scorpions encased in amber. Many of them are discovered to be extinct species and this advances many fields of medicine by decades in a few short months. Also someone tries to do a Jurassic Park but with scorpions and it goes bankrupt but nobody dies or anything. They're just scorpions, so it just wasn't popular enough. This actually successfully stops someone from attempting an actual Jurassic Park since they saw a similar project already not work.)

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey Cas, Outlet anon here with another vent. I want your advice, but there isn't really a question, just... what you think about the whole thing.

I think this might be religious trauma, but it doesn't really feel like trauma to me. More a couple bad things that happened to me and affected my life significantly (the literal definition of trauma is "...an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, crime, or natural disaster. It can also refer to the lasting emotional response resulting from living through a distressing event, which can include psychological symptoms such as depression, anxiety, flashbacks, and recurring nightmares." But it doesn't Feel significant enough to be trauma.).

Anyway. I was raised christian in a christian household with very christian relatives, and, unfortunately, that comes with heaps and heaps of homophobia (I know some christians are differen't, but those people aren't part of this story). I, on the other hand, am very, very queer, and I look the part (stereotypically, anyway. I have a bunch of piercings, a shaved head, weird outfits, etc etc. The whole nine yards.)

In my last ask, I mentioned 'Al' (my sibling's dad). To add some more icing to the cake of amazing thingsTM (/sarcasm) about him, he's one of the Very Homophobic christians.

Growing up, 'weird' (LGBTQIA+) people never bothered me. I'm not sure why, but it might be because I was bullied (for how I dressed and what shoes I wore, stuff like that, but thinking back now, it probably had something to do with my weight & very obvious autism that nobod every told me about, but that's a different story for a different time.), though I've also never really cared about that sort of thing. Like, it didn't change anything if someone wanted to be called something else or if they liked someone of the same identity. It just... never crossed my mind to care. I guess that's one plus of Al hating and ignoring me; his views never rubbed off.

When I got old enough to understad gender and sexuality and whatnot, some things about me slid right into place. It took a year or so (barely any time at all, compared to other people) for me to get stuff right and figure out which labels did and didn't fit, but when I finally got it right, I was happy & content. Go back a year or so to my *first* label: lesbian. My mother found out because I was young and dumb and didn't know about search history, but she just asked me about it and told me that telling Al wasn't a good idea.

I listened for a couple months and kept my head down; however, this was back when I still desperately wanted a dad and was still trying my best to make Al love me, so telling him about my identity felt important. Well, I did. Needless to say, he wasn't happy and he became more passive agressive (this was after he stopped interacting with me really at all, so he didn't hurt me or do anything physically except restrict my already restricted internet). His negative response is what got me to finally stop trying with him and to just say "fuck it, I don't need a dad".

I was still calling myself a christian, but I'd started to question a lot of stuff that nobody wanted me to question. Fast forward a year and I'd taken up witchcraft and my questions still hadn't been answered. I was told "god loves the real you" and then forced to be someone else. Naturally, that didn't sit right.

I kept going to church to keep up pretenses and keep Al content. At one point, they did a sermon about LGBTQIA+ people, and the end message was "we don't have to accept you to respect you". Which. Just. What a fucking fantastic thing to say to a bunch of queer people, one of which had started thinking of youth group as a safe space with safe people where I could be myself. That was like a slap in the face, and suddenly the people I thought were safe weren't anymore.

I started to really resent Al and became more reclusive at home and more flamboyant at school. Now that I'm typing it out, this sounds pretty insignificant, but this shit hit me deep and hard. I was just a kid who wanted to be wanted. Instead, I was hated for something that wasn't my choice.

I have an uncle (Al's brother, but he's earned the 'Uncle' title in my eyes) who came out as gay then moved to Germany to get away from everyone. It took him like 20 years to talk to his parents again.

I'm happier now, with a collection of deities who are kinder to me, a community that's happy to have me around, and a friend who I can share my religion with. Which, honestly, is more than I could ever ask for.

Anyway. That's all I can think of. I hope your day is magical, I give my regards to you and your wife. Thank you for listening <3

You: I think this might be religious trauma, but it doesn't really feel like trauma to me. More a couple bad things that happened to me and affected my life significantly Also you: But it doesn't Feel significant enough to be trauma.

I mean, I'm not a professional, but...that feels like trauma to me? Something that has to do with religion that negatively affected your life in a significant way?

I think a lot of people don't want to label their trauma as trauma because they've heard other people have "had it worse" and like...just because you weren't send to a conversion therapist doesn't mean what you went through wasn't trauma. (did I say that right? there were a lot of negatives in there).

You're allowed to recognize your experiences as horrible and upsetting and life-altering. It doesn't negate other people's experiences, I promise <3 (and I mean this in a kind way, not a rude way)

You're always allowed to vent to me, and I'm so glad you're happier now. But yeah, it sounds like you went through some awful shit, and I'm giving you tons of hugs.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

im having a crisis and i was just. hoping for some insight!! if this isn't the place to ask feel free to ignore and delete!! thanks

i think i might me aro but i'm not sure. i'm 17 and i haven't felt any romantic atttraction (ever? i can remember ONE time in elementary school but literally.. i barely remember) but oh lord. i want to. i've dated people but not because i was attracted to them and i asked first, but because they asked me and i thought it might work out. i'm not sure if anyone can be... involuntarily aromantic? so i thought i would ask. many thanks.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time, Anon. If you haven't experienced romantic attraction, or possibly did once, but a long time ago, it is possibly you may be aro. Sometimes people do start experiencing romantic attraction in their late teens or very early 20's, but the older you get the more likely it is you're on the aro spectrum.

If by involuntarily aromantic, you mean people who really don't want to be aro, but who's experiences can be described as being on the aromantic spectrum, than yes, that does happen. Some people do have a hard time accepting themselves, especially since we live in a society that pushes the message that romance and romantic love are incredibly important and fulfilling (sometimes the most important and fulfilling) experience someone can have.

That said self acceptance is possible, the first step is rejecting that messaging. It helps that it's not true, while romance and romantic love are an experience that some people find important and fulfilling, it's far from the only one, and it's not one that's been important to everyone. Similar to things like religion, having children, having a passion (for example creating art, helping animals, etc), etc. There are things in life that give people feelings of meaning and fulfillment, but what those things aren't always the same for everyone. Even alloromantic people (that is people who are not aromantic), often find it helpful not to look at romance as the be all and end all since that's just not how it is for everyone, and also it creates a lot of pressure that can lead to unhealthy relationship balances. Romance is a thing some people enjoy and get a lot out of, but it's not the only thing.

The other part is learning to see aromanticism not as something that's about limiting yourself, but instead about giving yourself the freedom to do what's right for you. Aromantic describes how you feel internally, but it doesn't mean you can't do what you want if it's what you actually want and enjoy. For example, if you want to date people romantically, you can still do that. You mentioned you've already tried dating a few times, if you've enjoyed that experience or found those relationships fulfilling, you can keep dating.

On the other side of things, if you didn't enjoy dating, aromantic as a label is there to tell you it's OK to not enjoy dating. There are other types of life partners (Queerplatonic Relationships for example) if having a life partner is important to you. Or maybe you want to focus on other kinds of relationships (it's a myth that only romantic relationships are deep or meaningful, or that nobody values platonic relationships). Or maybe there's something else entirely that's important to you that you'd rather focus your energy on. Sometimes I look at being romance avese (so not just aromantic, but averse to romance on top of it) like not liking chocolate. Some people treat chocolate like it's the best food in the world, better than sex, etc. Some people just don't like the taste, and no matter how much they try and foce themselves to eat it, they'll probably never have that same experience as the people who love it. But there probably is other food they enjoy or other things that give them joy. It's OK to just not like chocolate or to find it just OK.

So even if you're just questioning, and even if you do start experiencing romantic attraction eventually, I would recommend trying to learn these lessons. And trying to see aromanticism as more of a neutral outcome rather than something to be afraid of. Remember too that no matter what you can do what you want, and if you do enjoy romantic relationships, and want to keep doing romantic things you can. If you don't enjoy romance, you will find things and relationships that do matter to you.

Seeking out media with aromantic characters (you can google book and podcast recs for a decent selection), or seeking out aromantic blogs, spaces, etc. can also help you see aromanticism in a more neutral and less scary light as well.

And of course if you have more questions, or want to talk more, this ask box is always open.

All the best, and good luck!

[cmrosens]

Worldbuilding Thoughts 3

Ok so one thing I don't see very much in medieval fantasy settings with a royalty system is the issue of the monarch travelling with a retinue. If you're writing one like GoT and you're into the whole idea of the monarch needing to travel (trust me, if it's medieval, they really do need to do a circuit of their kingdom, even if administration and judicial system has been centralised. If you don't, you can't monitor the nobles on the periphery, and you ... really need to do that).

If this is something you've considered, ignore, if not, I was just thinking about the medieval England situation for the earlier kings (William I to John).

Do you know how many the king travels with?? How many guards how many horsemen, lads to take care of the horses, courtesans, scribes, courtiers who need to stay close, accountants, etc? Now have a look at the size of the castles. They're not that big. You have to scale the castle to the landscape (and really seriously consider how long it takes to build a big one). You've got space for a prestigious guest, and then like. 20 extras. At an absolute push, in some cases. Ok, bigger ones, yeah ram 100 in.

The king's got 200 men. He doesn't scale down to stay at a castle or fortified manor that fits 50max and already has 30 occupants. He just rocks up. People do not want him to, but he does anyway.

What used to happen in Medieval England was - there wasn't ever enough space. Literally none. There was also no system, it was King gets the best guest room, everyone who needs to be immediately close to him crashes on the floor, and if you're not fast enough and a bit further down the pecking order, you're marching into someone's house and saying "I'm staying here tonight" and sleeping downstairs with the goats. There are sources of courtiers bitterly complaining they had to sleep in barns and some "camping" (sleeping rough in the rain) in the forest because there was NO SPACE FOR THEM in the castle/fortified manor or in the surrounding villages because they came late due to their admin duties holding them up. And they don't have a tent. They have to literally sleep outside with their cloaks over them. Did they die of exposure? I mean, sometimes. Did they catch chills and die of those? Sure, yeah. Did it really piss them off? Every time.

(Peasant perspective: So many young* angry men with swords with untreated PTSD from all the war/general life trauma, chips on their shoulders and complexes about being younger sons (the spare not the heir) and desperate to prove themselves in a chivalric context of fighting/shagging prowess but they've been give a lot of admin duties to do, drinking a lot of alcohol every single day. Since being on the road they have had to cut down on the alcohol which hasn't improved their mood. And they're all coming to your village. And you can't feed or house them all.)

Then the king decides to leave.

It takes a good few hours to let everyone know because **nobody knows where anyone is**. You have to prep the supply wagons and the horses. And the king stands up after breakfast and says "I want to leave NOW"

Then he changes his mind.

Now you're leaving tomorrow afternoon.

If you're trying to picture this, with a lot of highly strung horses in an enclosed space being yelled at and dragged into position to cut down time, and people running to comb the villages and the woods for stragglers and leave messages for others coming through later, it's chaos. Absolute chaos.

Now imagine being put in charge of it.

So many plot points to play with there.

*For reference, because I've been watching Robin Hood adaptations lately, Richard 1 "the Lionheart" is depicted as an older man in all the films but he was only 42 when he died (b. 1157, d. 1199). The Third Crusade was 1189, when he was 32. He's played by Sean bloody Connery in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, when he actually was around the same age Richard Armitage was when he played Guy of Gisborne in the BBC Robin Hood series. (For context). Prince John was 33 in 1199 when he became king and only 23 when Richard went off to war. We're often largely talking about an intensely homosocial group of men in their 20s and 30s. ladsladslads

In the 14thC, one of the Earls of the March led his first campaign in the Hundred Years' War at the age of 17. ladsladsladsla-

[creature-wizard]

Hello! If this is something that makes you feel uncomfortable, please feel free to ignore this!

DISCLAIMER: This is nothing against Christians! I have no problem with your religion!

Anyways. So I grew up extremely evangelical Christian and now I’m agnostic, I’ve been doing pretty good with dismantling certain ideologies that I was brought up believing, etc, but there’s one thing that I cannot get rid of and that is “rapture anxiety”.

Basically, the way Christianity was/is taught to me and the people of my church is very fear-based. “Be afraid of the devil and going to hell, but also be afraid of God and what’s going to happen to you if you don’t obey his orders” type shit.

And while I don’t usually even regress back to how I was when I was religious, when the Israel/Palestine conflict escalated this week, a bunch of the people in my community and in my family started spreading a shit ton of messages about how “the rapture is coming” and how “modern Israel is the the Nation of Israel in the Bible and the Palestinians are the Canaanites that God is destroying before the rapture”, etc.

And somehow all of this just took me back to my childhood in which I literally couldn’t sleep because I thought God was coming at any time because “no one knows the day or the hour of his coming” and I was going to go to hell if I wasn’t ready and all that anxiety just kept flooding back. Gosh, just typing this sounds so self centred, I feel like I’m making a literal genocide about me.

Have you ever experienced this? It’s so fucking debilitating, I hate that evangelical Christianity is so fear based. Sorry for venting and writing a whole book in your asks.

Hey anon, you're always entitled to talk about and seek support for your religious trauma from appropriate channels. Have you ever heard of ring theory? Ring theory essentially states that the important thing is to seek comfort from those further away from the crisis, and give support to those closer to it. Since I'm not more affected by this crisis than you, you aren't doing anything wrong here.

I haven't personally experienced rapture anxiety since the rapture wasn't part of my parents' belief system, but I know it's extremely common. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I was, however, brought up with apocalyptic beliefs, and more than once I definitely found myself triggered when the topic - or even adjacent topics - came up. It took years of work to get past that.

If it helps, try to remember that much about this whole situation was actually engineered by Evangelical Christians. They literally want this conflict to happen because they think it'll catalyze the End Times and bring about the Second Coming. I can't imagine that the god who supposedly said that nobody knows the day or the hour of Jesus's second coming would be very amused by people being arrogant enough to think that they can actually set the End Times into motion themselves.

[pro-memoriia]

.

I think I'm still caught up on my last relationship. And it's not even because I still like my ex, I don't, but it's just difficult. I really thought we were okay and then he disappeared without a word. I went for days thinking I did something wrong or that he hated me. And then he came back telling me it was an attempt. I thought we made up after that. We talked all the time. And then it happened again. And again. And then I remember he was alive the other times. He was active on his other socials, he was talking to other people. But then I was spamming his messages in anyway I could, having panic attacks during the night instead of sleeping and during the morning instead of getting ready for work. I pleaded in those texts, begging for at least some reassurance that he was okay, or an explanation if I had done something wrong. But I was ignored. He posted all these things on his TikTok and Instagram, talking about how nobody texted him, nobody cared, nobody listened, etc. And I literally threw up every time I saw those. And then he came back and said he wanted to split. And when I asked him if it was permanent, all I got was "I don't know". I was hung up on him for a month before he finally told me no. But literally I don't think I've been the same since. Every time somebody comes to me with suicidal and self harming thoughts, or really any mental issues in general, I just can't do it. I freak out and cry. I always try my best to string together words, but it's never enough. And every time it happens, every time I can't word something the way I want to, my mind drifts back to my ex. Everyone else was the right person, except for me. I tried so hard and put so much effort in but it wasn't enough and I was hung on a thread for weeks before getting dropped. And I hate how I feel guilty for being angry. Seeing anything he posted about his crushes or anything he loved or the "me and who" shit always made me angry— but then I just felt bad. He was struggling, and I have the audacity to be mad at him for it? To be jealous? I don't know why, but seeing all his posts, how active and happy he was after we broke up really fucked with me. Was he really that miserable with me? Was I a bad girlfriend? What was wrong with me? Was I too mean, too clingy, did I talk too much, was I not doting enough, what was it? Why was he so happy with everyone except me?

[egg-emperor]

Honestly the whole "Eggman is so based, even though he's a villain he's still not that bad because at least he's not a bigot and has standards!" thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I'm gay. Once again a part of it is how it's ignoring or misinterpreting canon/various other official media to do so, and also the message it's giving with that- intentional or not, is kinda discomforting to me.

Him being an oppressive fascist, terrorist, war criminal, and aspiring dictator who has also been abusive and a bit sexist, enslaves people, tries to kill children (and said killing an 8 yr old would be a pleasure), tried to suicide bomb a city, has likely wiped out thousands, etc gets downplayed and excused or even defended along with this claim, as I have seen people actually doing.

But why isn't all that being treated with the same energy for being bad too? How does Eggman have good moral standards if he'll do things like this without remorse? I just don't think he's the best advocate or role model with all of these things in mind. He doesn't target people specifically for what they are either and if you've seen my other rants you know I hate when people joke that he does but that doesn't mean he's a role model either

Sonic is a much more suiting character for the message. He canonically is said to hate oppression and Eggman is the oppressor of the story, that's the root of why he's evil, why his actions and goals are bad, and why Sonic stops him in the games. Just because he would oppress everyone doesn't mean it isn't oppression anymore, just because it's being equally done.

Anyway IDW actually gets it with the one sign Eggman has in his base. He doesn't think anyone deserves any rights whatsoever except for him as the right to be the ruler of the world!

Eggman sees everyone as equally beneath him and thinks nobody deserves rights or benefits except for him. But I don't think that's in a commendable way at all as it's because he's selfish and doesn't care about anyone that isn't himself in any way, in good or bad ways lol. And saying "well at least he's not a bigot" isn't saying much considering everything else he's done.

That isn't the only way you can be a terrible person and I find it uncomfortable how people act like it is when it comes to characters. Especially when some actually try to excuse or justify all the terrible things he really does do in the games that are actually just as bad. I get that it comes from a good well meaning place but all the potential implications irk me, sorry.

If anyone is teaching us anything, we can learn good from Sonic and bad from Eggman. I don't think we're supposed to go all "Eggman did nothing wrong" and try to say his oppressive rule would be cool and good in the ways he does in his Eggman Empire propaganda video to frame it as a good thing and then say "love is mandatory" because he knows it's bad and hated in reality.

Eggman is a villain and I expect him to do terrible things, it's a good thing for him to do stuff we don't agree with as good reason for him to be the enemy. I don't need to approve of all his actions and lack of good morals to find him a lovable and entertaining character and I don't think he needs to be changed so we can. That isn't the point, unlike how it's more suiting for Sonic.

[cipher-zoo]

First off to the birthday anon you own me financial compensation because one gonna be thinking about that forever

And kinda expanding on that maybe when buggy is a bit older its his birthday again and this time they didnt forget and they get a party set up that night. And then buggy doesnt show up. He is gone for hours and they are freaking out. Its well past midnight when buggy shows up scuffed and bruised but okay.

And they are demanding where is was at and why he didnt come to his own birthday party and to that buggy is just dismissively like “oh that was today”

And when the press further about where he was (cuase he wont tell anyone) he is just in general confused he is like “ sorry about the party but like you usually dont care when im usuallyout”

And before his mind can catch up Rayliegh ask “ what do you mean your usually out?”

And the look and buggys face is enough to tell them they once again fucked up and now everyone is trying to remember the last they saw buggy actually on the ship whenever their docked.

Buggy had assumed they knew when he was gone and just never asked either becuase they trusted him or just didnt care, they hadnt left him yet (there had been some close calls). He bother to hear the rest and just heads off to bed

Reggie, my friend! You can't demand financial compensation and then break MY heart in return! What did I do? I'm just the messenger here - well, a very unreliable messenger who adds their own thoughts and takes to other people's messages 🤔 ... but a messenger nonetheless!

All this being said, holy hell, I love this.

I have this Headcanon that, over the years, Buggy turned out to be a far bigger troublemaker than Shanks. At least on one hand, because he had less to lose than Shanks - after all Shanks was the golden boy, and we can't ignore that that must have put a lot of pressure on his shoulders as well - and on the other hand, because Buggy, as we know him, just gets himself into the most miserable situations. [Rayleigh definitely had to have the 'you can't follow strangers, just because they tell you they have treasure in the back of their carriage' conversation with Buggy MULTIPLE times]

Now I'm not just saying this to ramble, but because I think that maybe this is how the situation could have started.

When he was younger, Buggy would every now and again get in trouble for staying away from the ship for too long. I believe in the early days this was by no means on purpose, he was simply set on some goal or another that had him so focused he simply forgot to get back in time (that, or he got in trouble). Which in turn would get him stuck with more chores or maybe being stuck with guard duty for the next island etc.

But over the years, Buggy noticed that he would get in trouble less and less often. And he started to assume that Rayleigh simply realized that he could trust Buggy to stay out longer, since he was getting older and even if he wasn't as strong as Shanks, he could defend himself if necessary.

Only then to realize that the real reason was that nobody even NOTICED that he wasn't there... yeah, that must have hurt.

I don't know if you listen to musicals, but there is this song: "Superboy and the Invisible Girl" from the musical Next to Normal. And I have to say, this whole situation reminds me of that a lot.

Thank you very much for sharing these thoughts with me. Even if it hurts.

[Also, part of me feels like I need to write some happy Roger Pirate head canons, because as I said, I love them so much, and I know I am portraying them in a negative light a lot right now, but that's just one verse of them I could see!]

[americanrecord]

woke up to a notification from you, saw the word hypothetically, clicked on it and it was already gone 🙃, but I support it, I think 💕

yes, hi! sorry this is so late, life is annoying. i popped up over on duffmckagans sometime last week and made a post (i don't even remember what i said), and then deleted it like five minutes later because i'm very conflicted about the whole deal.

i'm gonna use your post as a little life update anyway, because i really do miss tumblr and think i may return to duffmckagans because i've sort of outgrown my need for this blog. i'm very much still writing original content (or, try to, whenever i'm not busy (rare)), but i've sort of left behind the need to share that with other people, mostly just because 1.) nobody cares (real), 2.) it's so slow-moving these days that it just left me with the feeling like i had nothing to do on this blog because i've pretty much completely buried to rest the idea of ever rewriting that fic in an original format and settled another, more personal novel/project i have much more faith in the future publishing of. and because it is so personal and niche and boring, it just doesn't generate discussion or anything else worth posting about at the moment.

however, i do miss having a blog. i miss talking to people, i miss seeing my friends, i miss posting my writing, i miss reblogging silly pictures with silly tags, etc. i'm honestly at my busiest point in my entire life right now because i decided over the summer that i wanted to go to law school so i've been slammed between studying for that, taking the LSAT (law school entrance exam) twice and having a third attempt scheduled for january, tutoring, working almost full-time, some volunteer work, general family chaos (permanent fixture), etc. and if anybody remembers me from my college days, you may remember i was an anomaly in that i had a supremely unusual amount of free time. enough so that i could routinely churn out anywhere from 10k-15k of new words a week. was it good? no, not really, but that's besides the point. i'm not somebody built to do so much at once, so that ever-present stress (which should clear up around late january - ignoring what may come from law school) has sort of pushed me away from all the things i used to love #HAHA!!! for a long time. pretty much everybody i know can attest to the fact i've become a shit replier, i don't even see messages for days and then i forget to reply once i do. it's very annoying and inconveniencing, and i apologize! i can't promise it'll get better quite yet, but that's a bit of explanation there. i used to be somebody who'd be around almost 24/7 and i will get back to that eventually, but ... not yet.

that being said, i've experienced other Life Things that sort of has me crawling back to things that make me happy, if only so i don't become hopelessly lost in responsibilities and pressure and stress. ironically enough, it was sharing my original manuscript with my mother of all people (adding on to if anybody knows the first thing about me or remembers when my life blew up 2 years ago) and getting to bond with her over that after pretty much being no contact for 2 years that had me remembering how important writing is for me, but not even necessarily for my own personal gain. financially, i mean. of course, publishing is a life goal, and everybody told me to pursue law so that i could eventually fund my own writing career (ngl this is what got me), but i loved sharing it. i deleted the fic a little over a year ago as of now, i think? and i feel like i've been floundering not necessarily without It, but without having something to do every week, people to talk to, reactions to read; just generally something to keep me tied to some vague sense of passing time. there was a time in my life where it was either wednesday or it wasn't x6, and some people may say that's a crazy way to live, but it got me through my awful college years with success and a smile on my face, so idrgaf. i do actually really miss the fic. i miss the whole universe, i miss the community (undoubtedly smaller, understandably), and i miss the ease it used to bring because i was just genuinely doing what i loved.

i can't even remember what i said in my other ask reply that addressed this fic, something in response to "fuck that ginger cunt," but i will say that i have revisited the fic. i have a very, very, very complicated relationship with guns n' roses as an entity and, moreover, axl and his entire existence. for obvious reasons. he fucking sucks. legitimately one of the most awful excuses of a man i've ever met (or...been waved to by?) and likely should be buried beneath a jail somewhere. i will happily wield the shovel!! that being said. actually, that's all i have to say on it. everything else is a gray area where they still stand as a band that has gotten me through every day of my life since i was 17 and where axl still stands as so much for me, principally the reason i started writing and still do to this day because nothing else can top that thrill. the fic, honestly speaking, isn't even about the band for me. i could not care less about the band, i don't think i could host a fan page if i tried, beyond reblogging pics and giving my music opinions (while we're on the topic: 1986 sound city sessions reckless life is far superior to the gnr lies version), but i really don't even remember a time where the fic was even about the band rather than some place for me to sketch out a story with roughly-drawn templates of members from my favorite band. i don't think it existed as a band fic since the first half of rocket queen, and i think people could see by the story's direction that it wasn't really about "oooo guns and roses, the most dangerous band in the Wooooorld" so much as it was my two female main characters and the matching set of He's There that were sometimes involved in the adventures. i still have that passion for all of them, i have rewritten the first 23 chapters of rocket queen and that will continue to go up whenever i find a scrap of free time because nothing relaxes me like writing or just gets me to generally calm down and forget the fact i haven't felt at peace in so long 😄

so there is a major question of if i could post it again. and i still don't know. it's tricky. there's a lot of material in there that i don't think people took the time to understand, even worse now that i approach it from a MUCH more mature standpoint (in retrospect, i had no business writing so many of those things at 18, i had no clue what i was talking about or even implying with some of those themes and scenes), and there's a lot of stuff based on or semi-based on real events (trauma) while other real information (how much of a literal threat to humanity these men, particularly axl (but i will never discount any of them) were) is excluded because . . . i don't like torturing women? i could potentially return just as a way to give myself something to do under the guise where i do it with a lot more anonymity, aka not giving people as much of a direct target to verbally/electronically abuse me over fake things, tightening how i respond to things or let people think they have a say in things, and just outright refusing to engage with other matters; let it speak for itself and be ready to pull it again the second people take it too far or clearly can't handle with maturity and respect something that's marked mature, plastered in content warnings, and thoroughly tagged/addressed at every twist and turn, because at the end of the day--because i was barely a concept when all of these events were happening--it's all fictional. "based on" anything or not, it's fake. i have nothing but secondhand, thirdhand, or no-hand information abound. everybody lies, everybody forgets things, and everybody remembers it differently, and that's just that. i always will have creative license to do whatever the fuck i want regardless of what some 'insert member' stan with their panties in a twist thinks. it said so much to me that nobody ever criticized me for writing about a deeply problematic band and just about the fact that i had women characters that made vaguely unlikable decisions.

so, i don't know. i have things to think about. i am vaguely aware of the fact i may be depressed, so i would like to have a reason to smile again while i trudge from day to day doing boring things. i am also aware of the fact that i can't just write this fic and not share it with people. i have loose lips in written form and i really don't know what else to do with it. only so much gratification comes from looking at it myself. i ALSO know i said i was going to leave this behind forever, and also that i probably should, but i am a: liar. i fucking love guns n' roses.

thanks for listening to my ramble. completely understandable if you never send me an ask again. much love 💗

[toyfii]

jst a vent, cw small sui mention, some gender stuff, self image

if I weren't used to being ignored + scared of being ignored, i would be the nicest person ever. lol im scared of saying nice things to ppl bec i think i seem creepy and invasive all the time. thats why they always ignore me, right? theyre probably uncomfortable, i did something wrong i acted too weird im not like this, usually i just stay silent and know my place, why would a disgusting creature like medare talk to them and expect a response?

and then all the little friendships that couldve been beautiful.. they all fall apart and i avoid looking them in the eyes and pretend i dont see them, and i get out of my way to avoid them and avoid walking past them at any costs. even if i literally have to hide and wait, or walk in the opposite direction of where i was.

this happens to all the people i like (including online ppl too) i just stop responding to messages properly, or i pretend I'm not online bc i think that whatever i say is going to make you upset and uncomfortable and creeped out.

i def internalize all the complaints about men that i see online. ik that's probs where the fear of being creepy and invasive comes from. bc i was born with XY chromosomes and have short hair and facial hair and body hair and a wider bofy and broader shoulders and deeper voice and wear the same gross ugly clothes every time i go out and so i must be like them i must be gross and apathetic and objectifying and i must be acting in an invasive way im probably objectifying them im probably making them scared i should kill myself, people say all men should die so why cant i just do that already? obviously nobody needs me and it seems like so many people actually WANT me to disapprar bc im a "man". tbh it scares me so much to call myself that. esp online. bc irl of course everyone says "he" and use my name bc i am clearly a man irl. but online, i dont show myself ofc. so it feels like people online treat me completely differently and it makes me cry bc i know this would never happen irl.

and it also makes me feel creepy bc i dont say that im a man. i dnteven know. i hate calling myself that, idk if its because i am actually nonbinary or if its because i just dont want to be treated like i do irl. i feel fake for not saying that im a man online, because if you were to see me irl all that would come to your mind is.. yeah. lol i dont even tell anyone irl not even ppl who are nb or genderqueer etc. because its obvious im faking bc i dont look ambiguous enough, and i dont act ambiguous enough. im just some man, obviously.

its an exhausting cycle bc the only people i get to talk to now are other boys, even though i dont want to; even though talking to them reinforces the image of me as just another man. like i dont *hate* them ofc its just.. i dont want to talk to them. but i pretend that i do, and i put up facades to act like how they act, talk like they do. bc ik that theyd see me weird otherwise.

and ik that talking to the people i actually like, those people would see me weird bc theyre used to seeing me talking with boys in my fake way. my fake personality looks like my real personality, so my real personality appears fake, too. at least thats what i think. im too scared to go up and talk to any of the nice kids anymore. bc why would they want to talk to one of the boring mean apathetic boys. ig its just life. i cnt change it, im just stuck in this cycle unless i like.. disappear....

ive never talked about these thoughts with anyone else bfore because it just feels so taboo, ive never seen anyone else have similar experiences. so probably the few people who saw my post, read the entire thing, and is reading this now, will think im gross and leave too. ig its life.. you all would find out eventually and leave anyways. im destined to be alone, but its my fault for being gross and cold and uncomfortable.