#so much of the music is in our musical venacular! what makes something feel like a superhero? feel western? feel patriotic? this man

[stargazing-zani]

American bitches be like: I cannot possibly have pride in my country, what even is USA culture

One Aaron Copland song later: ok so

(It’s me I’m bitches)

[thrufiyah]

Midnight Sept 28 2021 12:30am

Midnight thoughts

Finally got babygirl to go to sleep hopefully she’ll stay asleep. Homeboy over here dont even know I got up or that I’m sitting up typing rn ha smh. Anyway... honestly... lately been feeling lonely but with support if that makes sense...

Lots of paperwork here to fill out reg benefits, insurance, etc but it’s working out gradually. might be able to get a cabin soon for my own lil fam so we’ll see how that works out and we plan to move next year so we’ll see how that works out too... 

kinda leaning towards going our own way bc its a lotta hands involved and the left doesn’t always know what the right is doing or diff views on everything kinda confusing rn but itll work out

def an adjustment period. but just kinda feel lonely bc not rly anyone to talk to about honest thoughts? honestly? sometimes doubting... but excited in planning? now that were officially getting our own room to fill up w our own stuff is kinda sorta cool but not sure how it will go when the weather is bad

just gonna just keep typing as i go until i get rudely interrupted. lol

kinda bummed that i won’t be able to do this once lo arrives bc thatll be two bebes to constantly watch and never have time for myself

i always told myself not to have kids until i was financially stable and i broke the one promise to myself...... the one thing i didn’t want for my life..... but GOD you make a way when there’s no way

what else... worried about bebe growing if she’s ok normal all parts eating enough growing enough just idk.. always gonna be wondering... 

ill even be wondering when both kids grow up and things will come up like disabilities along the way and that scares me. not in the fact that i can’t handle it but how their life will be as they grow up

just hoping they have everything that they need and grow up happy and feel loved all the time and able to express themselves....

my patience does run thin these days but maybe its my hormones? but again maybe not lol haha

wow everytime i come back here i feel different and im always at a different stage in my life. 

missing my family in the way of how they remind me of who i am and where i came from they say ive grown up and that im independent but idk how much of that is really true

what else... dont rly talk to anyone much either... if anything it’s hb’s mom and then hb and even that isn’t much

daylight savings time is diff - sun didn’t go down until 7pm-8pm and it felt different. finally found my favorite grocery store that gives me a little piece of home and got to see a new side of town with the shops near the mall.. that was exciting lol

it’s really such a trip how much of a stop life is at the moment rn but i guess its a way to tell me we got to slow down hashtag cashaley haha

teddyswims and allenstone were dope on that yt video though lol

i oughta listen to more music to mellow out! haha. DEF need my own headphones or earpods... which HB didn’t give away my freakin mpower flames... lol. but headphones be hurting my ears but also i be needing them sometimes to chill or watch a movie

idk what the future holds but im holding on jesus lol im holding on....

hmm what else. lately ive been WAY TOO addicted to chocolate... and hmm what else... i need a journal just for notes like shopping lists, to do lists... etc.

glad im back in the tumblr and pinterest world lol. but pinterest to me seem like fleeting dreams and a whole lotta money mama does NOT have haha

hoping my work visa comes in soon so that i can apply for the residency one in december as soon as baby is born lol. 

i can’t believe i dont remember if i bled a lot or not after giving birth last year... but last year was such a year of turmoil trials and tribulations... so to me i get it.. but yeah anyway

it’s weird... i feelike im here and not here.. maybe bc of lockdown and now in level 3 but a lot of empty dreams happening! but goals are def being met and worked on and completed so i can’t complain about that

i get worried everyday if bebe in there is still kicking so many horrifying and sad stories around the world its just no way to protect your kids idek

as far as self care... i was kind of doing it but at least im cleaning more and helping around the house more? i just hope im not slacking where it’s most important

what else.... hm.... what else is on my mind tonight. body be SORE LIKE A MF. from having to be a 25/8 366 day arm pillow, having huge ass legs to lay on my side, damn i miss my side lmao, to having to share a freakin blanket lmao.

idk just a lot going on and not rly any outlet to do. this mf still aint notice im sitting here lol anyway

what else is on my mind.... for some reason i really wanna find more haircare stuff lol. i need pa’us lol and rubberbands, scrunchies, bins, what else... idek but i need it alll please and thank you lol

babygirl is kod rn so cute but baby just dont move sleep peacefully by yourself for now haha

anyway we’ll find out this week if we’re gonna move to the next chapter and hopefully nana approves of our new plan idek

what else... i swear i clean up and two seconds later its a mess again in here

trying not to be too paranoid about stuff in here but it gets to me when they all start to puss ugh yuck fkn gross man but well get by maybe the nzbugs aint used to american fat skin haha

fitness is something im def looking forward to out here... kinda need to go for walks more often whether its just down the street or the small park nearby which here is called the bush lol

dont even get me startttttted on vocabulary... lets see what ive learned so far here...

bush / wop wops - foresty tree area, gumboots - rainboots, jumper - jacket or longsleeve? dairy/superette - small convenience store not connected to a gas station, what else... rubbish - trash... idek cant think of anything else... oh chocolate is specifically chocolate and lollies are gummies and others i guess... newspaper rolling for all food leftover or compost i guess... idk thats all i can think of for now

what else..... that was GROSS bruh. haha tay said don’t lose your venacular... lol. maybe if i keep listening to throwbacks that remind me of home...

ok i feel better i guess now that i wrote down some thoughts gonna try to put these clothes away and then get some rest for tomorrow

kbye!