#so most of the book wouldn't really be that memorable if it's 80% ''and then here was another weird thing abt the gunk''

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Hugo Best Novel Rankings

[Off the cuff and subject to change, between 1 and 2 especially]

Some Desperate Glory by Emily Tesh - a mess, the ending kind of fell apart in the rush to be near and uplifting, still probably the best SFF I read in 2023. Kyr a protagonist of all time, and the first 80% of the plot and worldbuilding were near-perfect.

Saint of Bright Doors by Vajra Chandrasekera - I enjoyed this less than Glory, but if you made an argument that it was the better novel on literary merit I couldn't argue back that fiercely. The very rare sort of fantasy that feels modern. I admit I thought the ending of this one was also a bit of a let down compared to what came before, but the journey was entirely worth it. [Major Gap Here]

The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi by Shannon Chakraborty - A really excellent exploration the 12th century Indian Ocean trade with a fun (if broadly drawn) Sinbad pastiche thrown on top to keep the reader's interest. I do wish the mindsets and personalities of the characters had felt a bit less modern, given how committed to verisimilitude every other part of the worldbuilding was - but then that probably wouldn't' have been great for the fun, swashbuckling adventure vibe.

Translation State by Ann Leckie - Perhaps dragged down by the comparisons to the rest of the Radch books? It was a fun, interesting read, but on reflection it seems less than great that by far the funnest and most memorable character was the returning cameo. Also it's enough About gender than I was left kind of annoyed how oddly surface-level everyone but the Radch's systems of it felt.

Witch King by Martha Wells - Literally just finished this, so thoughts not fully gathered yet, but; it was fine? There's a lot there, but I was mostly left annoyed how most of it seems to have been left off-page to make room for action scenes and wardrobe descriptions. Also, it's enough About war, conquest and high politics that the fact that the evil empire's political economy makes no sense really irked me.

No Award

Starter Villain - Didn't read, but I very much didn't really care for the Scalzi I have, and the friends I have who are fans of the guy hated it, so.

Overall just incredibly, amazingly better than last year though.

[weirdtvland]

2. Cadillac Records (2008).

I love this film but it was 80% false. Beyonce portraying Etta James was a good choice. She was on point with Etta's mannerisms. But I wished she would've molded her voice like Etta's. Don't get me wrong Etta was a beautiful singer, one of the best out of the Sixties with raw talent and she murdered tracks like At Last, I Just Want To Make Love To You, & A Sunday Kind Of Love but Beyoncé versions of I'd Rather Go Blind & All I Could Was Cry was memorable. I thought Etta actually sung like that until I heard the original, and I was a tiny bit disappointed. But Etta is THE original, and her tracks will always be iconic! I've read Etta's book, and she never mentioned her relationship with the owner of Chess Records, I'm assuming they made it up so that her real past wouldn't affect the movie. Etta wrote in her book that she dated pimps and thugs for years, even had one pimp beat the hell out of her for months.

Little Walter portrayal by Columbus Short was very accurate, the most in the movie! Little Walter really was a huge drunken, abrasive man, but there's one thing they got wrong, he was more famous than Muddy Waters in his heyday. Muddy didn't want Little Walter to sing on the tracks anymore because it over shined his singing. They loved Little Walter's voice better.

Chuck Berry's portrayal by Mos Def was amazing. He actually looked like him! I would've wanted a separate movie with him playing as Chuck because most of the movie went to Muddy, I wanted to see Chuck's life a little more. Chuck inspired lots of artists: Elvis, The Rolling Stones (mostly Keith), Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles & multiple more.

[ghostoftonantzin]

Books I read this year, 2024

Once again I'm doing a write-up of the books I read last year, a couple weeks into 2025 because I keep getting sidetracked. I read fewer books (34) than 2023 and listened to many fewer audiobooks (5), probably because I was driving less.

Overall it was a pretty good year for books, though I did have a bit of a lull in the summer. I intend to be more intentional with the books I read in 2025 and try and cut through my very long TBR list.

List of books with my short opinions on them below the cut:

False Colours, by Georgette Heyer (1/2) - could not put this one down. Loved the love interest and her no-nonsense attitude.

Rouge, by Mona Awad (1/7) - pretty good, very adaptable for film with some memorable imagery. Prose was fine.

Stiff*, by Mary Roach (1/9) - interesting, enjoyable, last line made me giggle and was especially wonderful the way the narrator read it.

Cotillion, by Georgette Heyer (1/18) - this was the Heyer I've seen most commonly recommended, but with the caveat that I should read other Heyer novels first to better enjoy the subversion. And I did enjoy it! Very cute, maybe my favorite Heyer I've read so far.

Wasteland*, by W. Scott Poole (1/26) - very thought-provoking read(/listen) regarding the history of horror as a genre and the effect of World War I on the psyche of Europeans and their understanding of death.

The Weather in the Streets, by Rosamond Lehmann (1/31) - Sequel to Invitation to the Waltz, which I read in 2023. Last line kicked me in the teeth, in a good way.

Season of the Witch*, by Peter Bebergal (2/19) - fine. I mostly associate this with driving around in miserable gray winter weather.

The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency*, by Alexander McCall Smith (2/29) - again, mostly associated with driving around looking at apartments in the dregs of winter. The narrator is fantastic, but not enough to buoy me out of the aforementioned dregs of winter glum.

The Sadeian Woman and the Ideology of Pornography, by Angela Carter (2/29) - really interesting, and I'm not smart enough to really articulate my thoughts on it in a manner worthy of the text.

Mawdew Czgowchz, by James McCourt (3/6) - some of the densest prose I have ever encountered, but not in a bad way. Wild, operatic plot, which is fitting, as it concerns an opera singer and her obsessive fanbase. I assume opera fans are not this obsessive and influential in real life, but wouldn't it be fun if they were?

Wyrd Sisters, by Terry Pratchett (3/9) - I like Pratchett's work, haven't read a ton of it, enjoyed this thoroughly. Read it using the hoopla app on my phone.

Witches Abroad, by Terry Pratchett (3/16) - basically the same opinion as above.

Fat Boys: A Slim Volume, by Sander L. Gilman (3/26) - read for its section on castrati, but the most memorable parts concerned the public perception of fat baseball players at the peak of the sport's role in American culture.

Transformations, by Anne Sexton (4/15) - I'm afraid I cannot really remember reading this one.

After Leaving Mr. Mackenzie, by Jean Rhys (4/26) - my second Rhys novel, after reading Good Morning, Midnight in 2023. Unfortunately I rushed finishing this one because I needed to return it to the library, which probably affected my opinion, but I did feel it wasn't as good as the former.

By the North Door, by Meg Elizabeth Atkins (5/12) - I picked this one up, along with Cousin Suzanne and another novel, at a library used book sale because I'd never heard of it and it looked like it was from the 70s/80s. The most memorable thing was that I couldn't figure out if it was set in the United States or England, and I still can't remember which it turned out to be.

Cousin Suzanne, by Myrna Bluth (6/16) - one review described this positively as "a satire without teeth", which seems to miss the point of satire. I read most of this one either sitting on a pier of laying in a hammock, which is the proper place to consume it.

Five Days Gone*, by Laura Cumming (6/18) - I got the feeling that there were italic sections and section breaks in the print version of this book that were not properly represented in the audiobook, making it difficult to discern changes implied changes in perspective. However, I found this book's focus on interpreting and describing visual primary sources fascinating, as well as its ability to slowly reveal new facets of what seems to be a cut-and-dry incident to the reader.

84 Charing Cross Road, by Helene Hanff (6/29) - did not realize this was nonfiction when I bought it (at a different used book sale), which made it sweeter and sadder.

Possession, by A.S. Byatt (8/4) - I understand why this was such a massive success at its time; it successfully convinces the reader of the high-stakes of literary academia and weaves together mystery and romance, capturing the page-turning qualities of both. Funny enough, I found it less "literary" in terms of structure and plot than some other books I read this year. I recommended this to my mother, and it may have been her favorite read of the year.

The Eagle of the Ninth, by Rosemary Sutcliff (8/21) - enjoyable children's chapter book. Though I probably enjoyed it more than I would have as a child, having learned more about Roman history since then.

The Harness Room, by L.P. Hartley (8/24) - interesting example of early gay British fiction. I expected it to end tragically, but not that tragically.

Not Quite Dead Enough, by Rex Stout (8/27) - the second Nero Wolfe book I've read. A good mystery, not as memorable as the one I read before.

Ex-Wife, by Ursula Parrott (9/3) - it was fascinating to read this and see how far we've come, and how far we haven't come, with regards to feminism and marriage and divorce. And for all of it's sparkling, fast-paced prose, this book is shot through with melancholy and heartbreak. One of my favorite books of the year. (Also another one I recommended to my mom.)

To Bed with Grand Music, by Marghanita Lanski (9/13) - to be honest, I was compelled to read this one because the title was so fantastic (and because the story sounded compelling, of course). I have not seen Uncut Gems, but I feel like this is the Uncut Gems of mid-century British women writers, in terms of producing anticipatory anxiety of catastrophic downfall throughout the story. That being said, I didn't enjoy it as much as anticipated. Maybe on reread I can relax and appreciate it more.

Big Swiss, by Jen Beagin (9/20) - I didn't realize the narrator was in her forties until partway through, a fact that I found made the narrative more enjoyable. It was good. I enjoyed the details about living in upstate New York.

The Cook, by Harry Kressing (9/21) - very strange, parable-like novel. I enjoyed it, but don't have much to say about it.

The Blue Star, by Robert Ferro (9/28) - saw this in a used bookstore, had never heard of the author, bought it because it looked not-too-recent and gay. I loved its descriptions of gay desire and the way it navigated the pressures of family and societal expectations.

Kairos, by Jenny Erpenbeck (10/19) - this one knocked me on my ass. Do you ever read something and just sit back and watch the author set up their shot and sink it perfectly, the arc of a projectile perfectly hitting its mark? That's what reading this book feels like. It's so ambitious and yet straddles the weight of Germany in the 20th century and classical mythology with ease. So many little turns of phrase that took my breath away. I don't know if this was my favorite book I read this year, but I can say with certainty that it was the best.

Saint Sebastian's Abyss, by Mark Haber (10/27) - fun use of language and centered around two incredibly pretentious academics, two things I (almost) always enjoy in a book.

The Enchanted April, by Elizabeth von Armin (11/15) - heartwarming, lightweight, but well-written. Has that enjoyable ending of everything falling into place without having it feel unearned.

Perfume: the Story of a Murderer, by Patrick Suskind (11/21) - I swear some blogger whose taste I generally trust liked this book, though hell if I'm going to go back and find the post now. I thought it was fine, but honestly struggled to get through it in parts.

Journey into the Mind's Eye, by Lesley Blanch (12/1) - I've been meaning to read this one for years, and finally picked it up at the annual NYRB sale. I'm so glad I read it, though the extensive digressions into Russian history did drag at points, because I'm still turning it over in my mind. It creates an interesting compare/contrast with Kairos in regards to the start/end of the Soviet Union, reality/fiction, both books concerning an affair between an older man and a younger woman... Blanch also does a really good job of describing the feeling of being fascinated by another culture that is not your own.

The Servant, by Robin Maugham (12/7) - not to agree with the introduction, but this did feel almost more like the draft of a book than a book, though I admire how concise it is. The scene where the two main characters are arguing while standing up and sitting down between toasts at a formal dinner made me laugh, though.

The Employees, by Olga Ravn (12/18) - I read it, I enjoyed it alright, I did not have the strong lingering thoughts afterward that it was probably meant to provoke in me.

Divorcing, by Susan Taubes (12/21) - this did drag at the end, but the script-style rendition of the protagonist's imagined divorce trial in the afterlife was a riot and the high point of the book.

The Yiddish Policemen's Union, by Michael Chabon (12/25) - the protagonist of this novel has the same last name as the protagonist of Divorcing, which was an interesting coincidence. The hardboiled style of narration was a bit difficult to get through at first, but it grew on me.

My Death, by Lisa Tuttle (12/26) - read almost entirely in the car. I wish it had included a bit more literary analysis nerdery. I do need to check out more of Tuttle's work.

The Snow Ball, Brigid Brophy (12/31) - sliding in right under the wire. I thought the ending was a little too obviously symbolic and foreshadowed. Delicious, lush prose.

[shadowlineswriting]

Condie

Dystopian literature has been around for a long time. I mean, a really long time. Like three hundred years. It's never been as big as fantasy, which has been around for thousands, but still. Most of the time, if you mention dystopian literature, people know to associate it with Brave New World, or Atlas Shrugged, or The Hunger Games.

When I was in college, Ally Condie published her novel, Matched. It's the first in a dystopian trilogy that takes place in a Society where individualism, for the most part, has been eradicated. Everyone wears the same clothes and does the jobs they're assigned. The main character, Cassia, is about to finish school and begin her career.

As her grandfather nears the end of his life (everyone dies at 80 in the Society, which is a common theme in dystopian fiction), he gives Cassia a secret: two poems, one by Dylan Thomas and one by Alfred, Lord Tennyson. Since no one creates anything new in the Society, Cassia is stunned -- and afraid. Having knowledge of anything before the Society is incredibly dangerous. Still, she can't stop reading the poems.

This book is a young adult novel, so of course it follows a lot of the patterns of YA literature. But I love it because this book feels so much like falling in love with words more than anything else. Cassia and her love interest practice writing (Cassia doesn't know how, because the Society does everything digitally), and they memorize the poems so they can keep the words alive, and it's all so beautiful. Reading this book reminds me, each time, of why I love reading and writing in the first place.

Matched is the first of a trilogy, like I said, but I'm only going to keep the first book. The second two slow down dramatically and the story becomes much more about fighting against the machine, if you will, rather than the love of words and meanings and art. That's okay, and it's still a good story -- I'd recommend it to anyone looking for a clean YA book (Condie is Mormon). That being said, I could read Matched a dozen more times, whereas I wouldn't reread the second or third again. Back on the shelf it goes!

[pwblogarchive]

August 2008

August 4, 2008

i got the front of my car smashed last night

chasing you off my (intellectual)property.

yet i still want to believe as much as you.

or you less than me.

there is a code of words when inputed in the right order that will make sense:

Control Feral Obsessed Blackout,

sadly that is not it. alone.

if i believe does it make it real like a dragon or real like the last 4 years?

Posted by xoat 1:15 AM

August 4, 2008

its obvious right now this is where the party starts with you and me all alone.

the new klosterman book is pretty good. dude is definitely the ultimate geek.

i think he is probably either the most self aware person on the planet and a complete genius or completely oblvious and therefor a complete genius anwyay.

The verb “cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

ive been having crazy dreams. very colorful and memorable.

in the 80s there were quite a few movies made about robots wanting human emotions and babysitting experiences gone bad. both are really funny. where are all those movies now?

Posted by xoat 2:23 AM

August 12, 2008

crazy is just a perspective. (i am sid and nancy)

because we just need a more refined version of mayhem.

these days im always in and out of somnia

there is something pavlovian about all of this.

i know i am not allowed to explain it outloud.

i know i am not allowed to sign it.

but you understand.

i think youre getting it.

loud and clear.

Posted by xoat 1:26 AM

August 13, 2008

“to you (unfinished, off the top of my head)”

It all started with some friends and a van

a kick drum inside my ribs

Preaching electric into a microphone stand

Raise your red plastic cup

And Turn the laughter up

We fell asleep in the grass on the summer fest days

You'd never guess I'm still trying to get my head screwed on straight

All us believers still believe

Everytime we sing "two more weeks"

Someone shoulda thrown us in a cell and swallowed the key

Somebody shoulda told us to leave em be

The only news we tuned in to was the traffic update

Nothing feels as close to home as nightime windows down on 88

Lax to berlin and back

Wake up on the west coast inside a flask

The good books in the drawer next to the bed you pissed in

passports a blur, full of stamps from places I missed you in

They'll tell you everything about last night that you forget

Pack your suitcase, joes in the back smoking a jazz cigarette

They hated me before they ever loved me

I'm not ready for things to change

I miss you missing me in the good old days

Got stuck in the cell of you and me

I guess it still beat solitary

-----Worry worry

Put my head in such a flurry

Freckle freckle

What makes you so special-------

One of these days yr gonna wake up in heaven

Laugh about that night you got four stitches above your eye

when they let the guitars fly

Never trust a band that wouldn't bleed for you

Never believe in anyone who wouldn't drive through the night

(To you)

They never tell you in school you'll feel so alone

Wake me up again when were in the same time zone

The way I'd take a cornfield over a coast

Mulitply me times what you adore most

There were nights between yellow lines

When I confessed to you riding shotgun asleep under purple skies

They say

You get what you get

Well we Got lost in the middle of nowhere And you almost quit

Tonight Come together

Come apart

You can get lonely when u

Only read the charts

Called everybody I knew in this life

Can we get it together just for tonite

I miss old friends and "play it agains"

Please Send my love,

to everyone above

August 23, 2008

i hope

i dont miss you tommorrow.

i love the way this city looks at night.

Posted by xoat 2:45 AM

August 24, 2008

edit:

i meant fuck off and die.

not im sorry.

Posted by xoat 3:34 AM

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

I won't claim to have much knowledge on villains' motivations outside my DC-specific comic book wheelhouse, but I do have some inklings on this! I'm going to go by the Doylist perspective because that's what I know best. Comic book history ahead!

tl;dr The Comics Code Authority is probably the reason, actually!

Just to specify, comics weren't mandated by the Hayes Code! Or anything, really. But they DID have guidelines people wanted them to adhere to! (This wasn't an absolute law so much as suggestions for how to keep them "good clean fun", and some parents wouldn't let their kids read comics that weren't approved. It fostered trust in a publishing company's brand.)

Most comics published in the United States (I'm unsure if this was international?) had something called The Comics Code Authority. Now, there was no ~rule~ that stated a comic series MUST abide by the Comics Code authority guidelines... but it was one of those things people saw and went "Oh! This will be Wholesome for my kids!"

Being Approved^tm by the Comics Code Authority and having that little seal on the corner of your covers was a big selling point! Especially since comic books were under fire for DECADES for the same reason people in the 90's and 00's thought violent video games would turn kids into Satanists. There was a whole book published about comics corrupting children, especially focused on Batman and Robin being creepy. (It was called "Seduction of the Innocent". It was published several decades ago. Before The Killing Joke, before Jason Todd's death, back when Batman and Robin were in simple detective stories with wacky hijinks. Someone thought it was weird for a costumed man to solve mysteries with a costumed kid, and made it the whole industry's problem.)

Anyway, people were Concerned^tm that comics would make their children less intelligent, silly, unrealistic, and immoral. So approval by The Comics Code Authority was a sort of reassuring pat on the parent's shoulder to say "This comic won't corrupt your children!"

But comics COULD still be published if they DIDN'T meet those guidelines! It wasn't illegal. Plenty of them were distributed without that little seal. It was just a lot of societal pressure on publishers and comic shops to stick to the Code Approved issues. I think DC and Marvel had approval on pretty much every issue for DECADES.

I don't have their rules memorized (I don't think I even knew the CCA existed until after it was already defunct), but here's a relevant one from Wikipedia (the CCA criteria changed over time, but Wiki's is from 1954):

Crimes shall never be presented in such a way as to create sympathy for the criminal, to promote distrust of the forces of law and justice, or to inspire others with a desire to imitate criminals.

That right there probably does it!

A couple other ones that might be relevant?

In every instance good shall triumph over evil and the criminal punished for his misdeeds. If crime is depicted it shall be as a sordid and unpleasant activity.

So they were big on the whole "villain is evil and you can't sympathize with him".

It's worth noting that this censorship wasn't entirely 100% black-and-white. I think there were criteria about "you can't draw humans unrealistically", but like. People had wings and proportions were wacky all the time. Beast Boy was green. It was really more to catch Big Egregious Immoral Messages and foster trust for the parents of their target audience.

(And of course, the 80's New Teen Titans nerd in me is geeking out about "Oh, OH, BUT! There were opposing viewpoint sometimes too!" In the Watsonian perspective, 80's!Raven often advocated for having compassion for their enemies, whereas 80's!Starfire expressed confusion over Not Being Allowed to Murderize Them.

It was Comics Code Authority Approved, of course. So she didn't. But they presented those viewpoints. They made sure to present it like "LISTEN TO RAVEN GUYS, STARFIRE'S BEING MEAN". It's worth noting that NTT was known for "pushing the envelope" anyways. It was the 80's and it was DC Comics, so it was a pretty small envelope to push... but I've read interviews where they said the CCA seal was threatened a time or two!

But if my dad is to be believed (a man with 50 years of comic nerddom under his belt), there have Always Been people who Rooted For the Villains Anyways.

I'm running out of steam and I have to wake up early for work tomorrow, but one more quick note: The public opinion of Sympathetic Villains has shifted DRAMATICALLY in recent decades!

Especially with indie publishers getting a better foothold and the CCA having ended its reign in the early part of this very century, a lot more radical views are being published and lauded by the narrative. Comic shops nowadays are a lot more likely to sell indie comics than they used to-- even big-box bookstore chains will sell graphic novels or TPBs by an indie publisher! That wasn't always the case, and I for one am grateful that it is NOW.

I’m curious about the whole “Villain exposes a flaw in the status quo but is defeated anyway” trope. I’m not a comics historian, but I wonder if it can be boiled down to not just the Hayes code, but writers more sympathetic to these ideas than they were allowed to admit?

To bring up an obscure example, I think of how Kangaroo from Spider-Man is introduced as an immigrant being harassed by the police for this reason. Aunt May expresses disapproval at the treatment of immigrants, there’s some clear commentary here. But of course Kangaroo becomes a supervillain and Spidey has to defeat him.

It could just be me, but it feels as if this was writers’ way of getting around the code while airing controversial ideas. So even if the villains are still villains, their grievances are given sympathy to plant the idea in readers’ head that maybe this could’ve been prevented had the status quo not had this structural flaw. Obviously liberalism means neither the villain nor hero can address this directly, so it isn’t always just the censors’ problem, but it is interesting.

But of course; A lot of readers didn’t know the backdrop behind these writing decisions. So while they empathized with these villains, it led to them internalizing the concept of a sympathetic villain who goes against the status quo and is wept for… despite still being stopped anyway. And so this trope ended up repeating itself even outside of the original context.

So a lot of people think this is “nuance” when really it was a restriction of the time. I think of how some people online claim the best villains are the ones who arguably have a better point than the hero, but I always found that dumb because why should I root for the hero? Why is that character considered the villain? It works if you’re doing a story where you’re looking through the eyes of the actual villain but most of the time this isn’t the case. I think people are just being edgelords who don’t realize the history.

And as tragic and beloved as these villains are, as much as we resonate with them and how we also feel villainized by society… At some point, you have to admit that times are changing and so is censorship. And while it had value then, gee maybe we should abandon this trope of the downtrodden villain to instead address this social commentary in a more direct and dare I say effective way. Because we gotta grow out of it.

Clayface is queer-coded and as much as you can empathize with him for it, we can’t continue to settle for stories where the queers are villains and only that. We have the opportunity to move past that and I think we should, especially since this trope is obviously a vessel for propaganda in corporate stories like the MCU. We can appreciate how these stories were born of limitations while acknowledging that the limitations are ultimately still a problem, and that the villain who is an oppressed minority who doesn’t get to accomplish anything because they’re evil has been done enough. We still have those original stories to look back on if we need to, I feel.

[jjmaybanksbaby]

Where It Leads (Rafe Cameron)

Summer IV

Part 07: Crashing Down

series masterlist | previous part

summary: A jarring family emergency forces you to consider the future of your relationship with Rafe Cameron.

a/n: I'm a little bit emotional about this series ending because I've had so much fun writing it! Enjoy the last part and, as always, please come share your reactions with me in my inbox. Okay, that's all from me!

word count: 2.1k words

Rafe Cameron knew how to text. He was somehow witty, charming, and hilarious all in less characters than a single tweet. Texting with most boys was like talking to a brick wall: single-syllable answers, unironic uses of punctuation, asking “What are you wearing?” before even listening to how your day went. Though, to be fair, Rafe had asked that same question a few times, which always earned him a sarcastic answer in return. Well, except for that one time.

You’d been forced to spill the beans about your dreamy summer romance to Alice and Kensie after one of Rafe’s funnier texts almost made you pee yourself laughing at the lunch table.

“Oh, so he’s a stud muffin,” Alice announced, peering over Kenzie’s shoulder at the photo on your phone.

“Please god don’t call anyone a stud muffin ever again Al,” Kenzie replied.

“What? The 80s are like making a comeback.”

“Yeah, not that,” you countered and Alice huffed.

“He’s totally hot though,” Kenzie said, handing the phone back to you. “And I kinda hate you for not telling us about him.”

You looked down at the picture. Rafe was kissing your check while you grinned up at the camera, the golden hour lighting made the whole thing look rather enchanting. It was your favorite picture of you and him.

“Oh shit,” Kenzie said causing you to look up from the phone. “You’re like in love in love with him.”

“What? No,” you protested. Yes, your brain corrected.

Kenzie glanced over at Alice for backup.

“Besides, I wasn’t hiding him. I just didn’t know if there was anything there to...tell,” you finished.

“I wish I had a handsome summer fling with spectacular cheekbones,” Alice sighed.

“Don’t let your boyfriend hear you saying that.” Kenzie chucked a fry off her tray at Alice who dodged it expertly.

“Oh, please. Matty knows I would dump his ass for someone who looks like a young Chuck Bass any day of the week. Gimme your phone. I wanna see the photos again y/n.”

“I seriously don’t know how you and Matthew have been together for two years,” Kenzie replied.

“Are you kidding? They’re practically made for each other,” you added.

“The phone, please,” Alice interjected. “I wanna thirst over your mans while my boyfriend is sucking up to his English teacher so she doesn’t fail him. Of course, I told him he needed to actually read Wuthering Heights and not just sparknotes it. But did he listen? No. I picked a real winner y’all,” she finished, taking the phone from your outstretched hands. “You sure Rafe doesn’t have any brothers? Not even like a half-step brother?”

So yeah, going great. Against the odds of three thousand miles, the whole thing was somehow working. Long-distance friends with benefits? Check. Well, except for those moments when that nagging feeling in your stomach came back and you’d start overthinking everything. His texts would sit, unread in your phone for days or even a whole week, slowly sinking to the bottom of your messages.

Then came the call from the Kildare Country Hospital in the early hours of a foggy April morning. You should have gone to sleep hours ago but were still up, desperately trying to cram Maria’s lines into your brain while also texting Rafe. The Sound of Music opened in three weeks and your director had already chewed you out twice for not being off-book, something about being an upperclassman and the lead, and what kind of an example were you setting for the rest of the program. Big speeches were kind of your director's thing, you learned to just ride them out.

Around 1 a.m. your phone ran with an incoming FaceTime call from Rafe. You pressed the green acccept button, a smile spread across your face as Rafe’s own filled the screen.

“Hey Broadway Star.”

“Hi Rafe.” The dim lighting of his bedroom made his feature especially striking. “What are you still doing up?”

“Can’t sleep. Plus you’re up too so. How’s the memorizing going?”

“Shitty,” you replied, closing your binder with a sigh. “I’m too tired to do anymore of it tonight anyway.”

“You know, I was thinking I could come to Oregon for your opening night?”

“Really?” The possibility of Rafe sitting in the audience made your heart race.

“Yeah, why not? I’ll ask Ward if I can borrow the plane that weekend and I bet Sarah’ll want to come too. I wanna see my girl kill it. I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Rafe. You know my friends think you’re hot.”

“Oh, do they?” Rafe replied, rolling over onto his back in his bed.

“Don’t let it get to your head, Cameron.”

The home phone ran but you ignored it, much more invested in your conversation with Rafe. The second time the hospital left a message. Your Nonna’s heart had given out. The prognosis wasn’t good. She had barely any time left.

Your heart dropped as the words echoed over the speaker of the answering machine.

“Rafe,” you said, cutting him off momentarily. “I gotta go. I’ll call you back later. I gotta-” you ended the call before Rafe even had the chance to respond. You dropped your phone on the kitchen table, dashing up the stairs to your parents’ bedroom. Your father was booking a flight for your mother back to the Outer Banks minutes later.

The end had come so quickly, so unexpectedly. It was almost like that made it harder. There'd been just enough time for your mom and uncle to get to the Outer Banks, sitting on each side of your Nonna as her final breaths passed through her lungs. Now, everyone was there to say goodbye one last time. Uncle Austin and his fiancé. Your mom and dad. Both your siblings. The entire population of Figure Eight.

☼☼☼

Rain drizzled down from the dark, gray clouds looming overhead. It was as if Mother Nature was mourning your Nonna too, hiding the sunshine away.

Three baby ducks followed their mama into the man-made pond at the edge of the cemetery. You watched their tiny feet kick up small waves disturbing the peaceful water and the tears silently slipped down your face.

The cars were waiting to take you back to your Nonna's house for the wake. The same house with the for-sale sign now stuck in the front yard. The for-sale sign with Rose's patronizing grin that you were starting to really hate. Your dad had handled that. Listing the house. He'd handled most of the funeral arrangement's actually because your mother had been too sunken into her grief to make any decision. Sending out the invitations, picking out your Nonna's casket, choosing the flowers. Your mother clung to him during the entire funeral, weeping into his shoulder.

“Y/n?” Rafe's voice called out from behind you and you turned to see him walked toward you. He’d stood at the back of the church with his family during the funeral. You had longed for him to be sitting in the first pew next to you, to have had his hand to hold onto to ground you, but it hardly would have been appropriate. Your Nonna would have sooner risen from the dead than have had a Cameron front row at her funeral.

As soon as he was close enough, Rafe reached for you, pulling your body tight into him. Your head landed on his chest and the sobs came moments later. God, he always smelled the same. He just let you cry, holding you close, smoothing his hand over your hair.

“I know you’re selling your grandma’s house but I was thinking you could stay with me for the summer," he said as your tears began to slow. It was hard to imagine that you wouldn't return to the Outer Banks once school let out. It was the first week of May already and you could feel the tourist-attracting town waking up. But selling the house just made more sense. Your older sister was already living her life in New York, a real adult life. Next summer, you'd be moving out too, headed to college. The house would sit empty for eight months out of the year, your family couldn't keep it and your uncle certainly didn’t want it. Selling it just had to happen.

You stepped back, slipping out of his embrace. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Rafe.”

“Why not?”

“Cause we’re like Romeo and Juliet.”

“I copied Cleo’s notes for that unit," he joked, trying to lighten to damp mood. “Plus I was never a fan of Leo DiCaprio so I didn’t finish the movie either.”

“It means we’re not supposed to be together, you and me. And whenever we try, the universe rips us apart. We hurt each other.”

Rafe shifted awkwardly on his feet, clearly wanting to reach for you again but stopping himself from doing it. “But I can't lose you.”

You reached your hand out, brushing away a strand of hair that had fallen in front of his eyes. “Oh Rafe, don’t you get it? You never really had me.” You stood up onto your tiptoes to kiss him just like you had the first time three years ago. Rafe barely parted his lips, kissing you back gently. Your hand cupped his face, your thump stroking over his cheek. It was a goodbye. Both of you knew it. It was an ending and this was your closure. You pulled away, your hand falling away from his face.

You couldn’t bring yourself to say the actual words. Your eyes fell to the ground. You needed to walk away now. You side-stepped Rafe but he grabbed your waist, turning you back around to face him.

“So that’s it? You’re not even gonna try to fight for us?”

“What even is there to fight for, Rafe? I’ve been fighting for us for the past four years. If we were supposed to be together that car wouldn’t have crashed into ours, I wouldn’t have fallen for Evan when I did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation at my Nonna’s funeral. What? Are we supposed to do long distance for all of college? I hardly know who I am right now. I have no idea who I’ll be in the next four years. Our future selves might not even like each other. I’m not gonna wait around for you Rafe and I would never ask you to do that for me.” You twirled the small, star charm between your fingers, a nervous habit you'd developed over the past year. His eyes dropped down to your neck momentarily and his adam's apple visibly bobbing as he swallowed his next weeks.

“You were it for me, you know. I tried to give a fuck about anyone else but I couldn’t get your gorgeous, stupid face out of my mind. I only wanted you.” Rafe paused gauging your reaction “I was falling in love with you.”

Your eyes wandered over his stoic expression. “The feeling was mutual, Rafe Cameron.”

He dropped your wrist but you both stood, not moving or saying anything. “Do you wanna walk me back to the car?”

“Yeah.” He reached for your hand, interlocking your fingers. Your other hand held onto his bicep so you walked together through the graveyard back to the parking lot.

The moment felt precious and delicate, like the fragile china your Nonna used to collect. You wondered what would happen to all that china.

Rafe placed a chaste kiss on your lips before opening the door of the car.

“I’ll miss you,” you said, the words hanging in the air meaning so much.

“Me too,” Rafe agreed.

You wanted one more kiss, one more passionate declaration of how much this all had meant but that would make leaving Rafe so much more impossible.

You climbed into the car, dropping Rafe’s hand in the process.

“See you around Cameron.” You knew it wouldn’t happen but it felt better than a goodbye.

He smiled back. “Maybe so.”

Perhaps Rafe was right and you’d both end up at a small liberal arts college in California taking the same second-year Econ class with a professor who always smelled like weed. Perhaps the stars would align and two of you would realize the universe wasn’t trying to keep you apart. It was just waiting for the right moment to show you that the love you had for each other was the soulmates, forever and ever kind of love. Perhaps you would get married and Sarah would be your maid of honor, of course. You’d buy back your Nonna’s house to raise your troubling-making kids in. Perhaps, you would find your way back and wake up each day and choose each other again and again.

Or perhaps, he'd always be your right-person-wrong-time. And, in the end, the passing days will steal away your memories of the blue-eyed boy from the Outer Banks.

taglist! @oreoenthusiast13

[sapphicgarlic]

Wow i was looking thru baby witch posts and your stuff looks so cool ! how long have u been doing it? I’m always so inspired when I see people do it I wanna learn more about it. I feel like I maybe missed the coming of age into baby witch moment I don’t know, How old were you when you first started? . Would be great to get any tips :D

hi!!!!

soooooooo i have been practicing and researching witchcraft since the second week of june! and there is no right coming of age to it! you could be 80 years old and you wouldn't be “late”. if you want to do it and feel its right that's all that it takes, that's the right time!

my tip would be to research, start by something small and slowly go building your craft. would recommend you to start by studying, the story of witchcraft, phases of the moon, the differences between paganism, witchcraft and Wicca (this one its the most important one), simple routine rituals that you can easily incorporate right off the bat.

the good news is that you guys from North America have witchcraft book everywhere! Barns and Nobles and any bookstore basically. However if you can purchase one, you can download one (there's free pdfs). Actually even before you by book,would recommend starting with some youtube videos by some witches that are really great and their “baby witch” playlist. HearthWitch is one of my favorites so I would recommend by devouring her content. Theres an intro for everything in her channel: ��divination, elemental magick, sabbaths, moon magick. 

If you have any doubts, please send me an ask! I can recommend even more things but I think those are a great start. Witchcraft is one of those things that you research and learn every day, even I f you are practicing for years. Don't have the “I need to memorize everything in 3 months” type of thought, its a process and every person has its own pace. Dont let anyone pressure you into “the right way” of witchcraft because there is none. Thats one of the things I love the most about witchcraft, is that everything is personalized to you and there is no outter pressure.  Do you and you will be great!

If you want any more tips or recs, send me an ask. I love receiving these!