#so might touch it up and then i'll do a new all the docs post :)

[atarial]

14th doc portrait done! now i've done all the docs

pretty happy with this one :D

[purinfelix]

doctor's orders ₊˚⊹♡ - franco colapinto

summary: as if your hospital placement hasn't been stressful enough, you're thrown a new challenge - an injured biker, and his big mouth w/c: 1.7k words

a/n: u ever see a man so beautiful that you just want to patch up all his injuries and kiss him on the forehead and tell him it'll all be okay? ( ALSO LOOK I WAS PLANNING ON POSTING THIS BEFORE I FOUND OUT ABT ALL THE DRAMA BUT ITS TOO LATE NOW SO HERE WE ARE ENJOY THIS ANYWAYS SDJFKS)

"Sorry, but am I in the right place?"

If it weren't for his half-torn jacket and pleading eyes, you might've punched him in the face out of frustration right there and then. You just didn't have time for this, not now, when the emergency room was as full as ever and you were rushing back and forth making sure everything was under wraps. You weren't sure why - you were only a nursing student after all, but your advisor had said something about "real world experience" before slinking away for his lunch break, over an hour ago. Leaving you here to deal with this chaos. And now, a very good-looking man with some very bad-looking injuries.

"Yeah, please just have a seat and fill out this form, I'll be with you in a minute sir," you rattle off your pre-practised phrases hurriedly, shoving a clipboard into his arms and pacing off somewhere else. Behind you, you hear the shuffling of his boots as he returns to his chair in the waiting room, the one next to him occupied by his helmet.

It's a while before you talk to him again, at least half an hour, but the way he talks to you definitely doesn't reflect the time he's been waiting - or the amount of pain you're assuming he's in.

“Hello,” you pause, scanning the form he’s filled out with his details for a name, “Franco.”

“Hello Doc,” he smiles at you atop the hospital bed you’ve got him sitting on. 

“Biking injury?” 

“Yes ma’am,” he gestures to his helmet and scuffed racing jacket that are piled on the stool in the corner. 

“How bad?” 

“Not that bad, you should see the other guy,” he jokes, and even though it’s corny you offer an amused smile. 

“Right, okay then Franco, I’m going to have you take off your shirt.” When you look up from your clipboard, he’s posed comedically with his hands over his chest, donning a shocked expression.

“Woah, so forward doctor! At least take me out to dinner first.” 

“I need to see your injuries,” you sigh, and he only offers you a sly smile as he hops off the bed to do as you say.  

As a nursing student, you’d definitely seen your fair share of gross things - one only needed to look back to you lesson on pressure injuries to see that. But nothing could’ve prepared you for the gory mess that revealed itself as he peeled off his shirt, which was already caked with dried blood. 

“Holy-“ you start, before stopping yourself in the name of professionalism - but it’s too late and he whips his head around with a concerned look.

“What? Bad?” 

“Some would say so,” you try to steady your voice and sound as convincing as possible, already setting aside your clipboard to gather the things you need. You’re not sue if you should be doing this, or whether you even have the qualifications to - but you’re pretty sure waiting any longer might put him in danger. 

You pat the top of the bed to signal for him to sit on it again. “I need you to stay still for me, okay?” you say in the softest, most comforting tone you can manage. 

He nods and does as you say, and for the first time in the somewhat short period you’ve known him, his mask of confidence slips - revealing a slight vulnerability, and even a hint of fear. 

“It’s going to be okay, I’ll be quick,” you continue to reassure him, and he nods again. “This is going to sting a little though,” you warn as you reach into your side tray for a cotton pad soaked in iodine. Touching it gently to the smallest of his cuts, he lets out a hiss of pain, his back straightening up as he jerks away. 

“Sorry,” you mumble, though you continue to dab at his wounds. “Do you want to tell me how this happened?” You’re hoping the conversation will at least distract him as you work, or at the very least give you some information to fill his file with. But he only shakes his head reluctantly. 

“Aright then, what should we talk about?” 

There’s a beat of silence before he responds. “You?”

“Well, who’s the forward one now,” you joke, though the weak laugh he lets out tells you he’s far from kidding. If he were any other patient, in any other situation, you’d be prepared to refuse this request as per hospital guidelines. But from the shaky tone in his voice and the sight of his injuries, you can tell just how much he needs this - and so you oblige. 

“What do you want to know?” 

“Let’s start with,” he pauses to let out a pained groan as you continue cleaning his wounds, “your name?” 

With one hand holding the cotton ball to his back, you lift the other to tug the lanyard holding your student ID off your neck and into his line of sight. 

“Nice photo,” he laughs as he takes it, pointing out your less-than-flattering headshot. 

“Don’t,” you threaten, though you feel comforted at the sound of his laughter, a more genuine one this time. 

“It doesn’t do you justice, you’re a lot better looking in real life.” 

“Alright, remind me to check you for a concussion later as well.” 

“No, I’m being serious!” 

“Just be quiet will you,” you huff, and he does as you say - giving you time to toss away the soaked-through cotton balls and reach for your bandages. 

“Student?” he pipes up again, eyes scanning your card. 

“Yeah, I’m here on placement.” 

“So you’re not a nurse?” 

“Not yet.” 

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but shouldn’t an actual doctor be doing this? Or at least, I don’t know, watching you?” 

“It’s been really busy this afternoon so my supervisor is,” you pause, trying your best to come up with a sensible excuse, “helping other patients. 

“Right,” he hums. 

“Why, am I not doing good enough?” 

“No I  didn’t say that!” You let out a laugh at his defensive tone, and the way he whips around to look at you apologetically with round eyes. 

“I’m kidding, though if you would feel more comfortable I can get you an older doctor.” 

“No, definitely not! I like you,” he blurts out, and it’s clear he hasn’t thought his words completely through by the way he continues to ramble a second after. “I mean, you know, an older doctor would probably like give me a lecture on road safety or something,” he follows up. As he turns around you can see the slight red tinge at the tips of his ears, causing you to let out an amused hum in agreeable as you finish patching him up. 

“Wait since you’re not a proper nurse yet,” he pipes up again a sly expression on his face, “do you still have to follow all the rules and things like that?” 

“Well, yes, I’m basically working here,” you reply, a little concerned. 

“So does that mean it’d be unprofessional for you to give me your number, you know since I’m your patient and everything?” 

This is the first thing he’s said that’s managed to actually catch you off guard, and even years of medical school isn’t enough to help you come up with an answer. “Wh- well, anyways I’ve done the best I can but you have gotten knocked up pretty bad,” you say, opting to switch the topic, “so I’d probably recommend staying overnight just so we can keep an eye on you.” 

You turn to pack up the equipment you haven’t used and grab his clipboard to make a couple notes. Behind you though, he lets out a pained groan - piquing your interest. 

“Don’t worry, it’ll just be for one or two nights and we’ll try our best to make it as comfortable as possible.” 

“I know doc, it’s just that-“ he starts, turning around to face you. 

“Why, got a girlfriend to get home to?” 

He lets out an amused scoff, “as if, I just have other things to get to.” 

“Right, well,” you clear your throat, a little embarrassed at having made a wrong assumption, “we physically cannot let you go, not in this state - consider it doctor’s orders.” 

He sighs again, though his tone is less annoyed now, and slightly more nervous. “I’ve just,” he pauses, searching for the right words, “I don’t know, hospitals kind of creep me out.” 

You spin around, a newfound tenderness in your expression as you look at him, “Oh, I see.” 

“I know it’s embarrassing, you know, since I’m a biker or whatever but-“ 

You take a couple steps closer to him, eyes scanning over his bare chest and up to his right collarbone which dons a thick scar which you can tell is from a surgery a long time ago. You gesture to it with a gloved hand, “That got anything to do with it?” 

His expression turns a little shy as his hand comes up to feel at what you’re taking about, “partially.” 

“Don’t worry, they used to freak me out too but, I-, we, will make sure it’s as comfortable for you as possible.”  He still looks a little reluctant but slips his shirt back on and heads to grab his things. The two of you walk out of the emergency room and out into the hallway. The hospital seems to have quietened down a little, the chaos from earlier being replaced by a sort of serene quiet as patients and doctors shuffle around. The two of you make your way up to the inpatient unit, where you manage to find Franco his own room for the night. 

“Plus, this way we’ll have plenty of time for you to fill me in on the details of how you ended up like this, and maybe how you got that lovely scar if I’m lucky enough.” You say as you gesture for him to go inside the room that’ll house him for the next day or so. 

“And if I’m lucky enough, maybe time to talk you into giving me your number,” he laughs as he sits down on the bed. 

You shake your head as you let out a soft laugh, already walking out of the room, “Goodnight Franco.” 

“See you tomorrow, Doc.” 

taglist: (reply/send me an ask if you'd like to be added!)

@spreadyourwings-my-smiling-angel @alelo23 @scill-a @multifan-idk @presleycaudle

[no-nameno-face]

Taken Care Of Audio (read story first)

TAKEN CARE OF (WITH AUDIO)

Pairing: Reader x Ellie Williams

Summary: NSFW, 18+ ONLY, minors do not interact. You will be blocked. Ellies had a long, hard day on patrol, and after stitching her up she requests some TLC. 

Warnings: Smut heavy, sub!reader, dom!ellie, face riding (E!receiving), oral (E!receiving), masturbation (R!), cum eating (kinda)? Praise kink, minor blood kink, pain kink, stitches, boob play (E!receiving), first time smut writing, did not proof read (but probably should have...)

Author's Notes: Soooo I've never written smut before, lmfao. I made the audio first, for my thirsty Ellie girls on tiktok but this audio got a bit… out of hand (wayyy too graphic) so I didn't want to post it on there. I had a whole scenario in mind with the audio so I figured I might as well write it down and share it here. I am also very obsessed with Ellie receiving so I subconsciously brought that to life while editing the audio. I know it's not great, but it was very fun to make and write soo.. Please be nice to me, I'm sensitive. Lol. (I put in the story when the audio clip applies, the story starts with context) I’d like to improve my writing cause this was a good time so any advice would be appreciated!!

I hear the door downstairs creak open and shut, a bit louder than normal. I can track the footsteps marching to the stairs and I listen with a small smile as the thuds make their way up. I hear soft profanities getting closer. Ellie is home. 

Sitting on our bed I turn my head right in time to see the door open, grinning at her as she walks in. She has that crease in her brow that I recognize as her tell-tell sign that she had a shit day. She shoots me a sly glance before looking away to take her flannel off leaving her in a white tank, dirty and disheveled she pulls it over her head. 

My eyes trace down her back, scarred and bruised. Muscular, and toned. Heart flutters, and a familiar heat builds. It's crazy how after all these years just seeing her still triggers these primal feelings. She just does something to me. She always has. My eyes stop wondering when I see a deep fresh cut following the curve of her hip. 

“Shit els? What happened” I get up and pace towards her keeping my eyes on the wound. 

She bends over pulling her shoes off, losing her balance a bit and mumbling a frustrated “fuck” under her breath. Now behind her, I prod at the gash and she swears again. I can feel her flinch. 

“I'll go get the stitches, sit down.” I say pulling her to the bed. She hits the bed with a thud and leans her elbows onto her knees.Shaking her head “it's not that bad babe, im fine.” She looks up at me and gives a half-hearted smile.

“I know you're fine,” I say, giving her a gentle look “I just don't want it to get infected, okay?” 

“Anything you say doc” she says with a smirk before turning to address the cut herself. She touches it lightly and winces when her fingers make contact. I head to the bathroom across the hall from our room and grab the small white kit from the medicine cabinet, and make my way back to our room. She's still sitting at the end of the bed, now rolling her neck side to side. 

I plop on the bed behind her, “okay, are you gonna tell me what happened now?” trying to distract her as I begin stitching the gash closed. Her back flexes and I hear her sharp intake of breath. Heart flutters. 

“Fucking stalkers. I hate those things” she says, shaking her head and looking up to the ceiling. “I was on patrol,”

“With Jesse right?”

“Don't remind me,” she says with a scoff that is cut off by another huff as I add a new stitch. Damn. Every breath in sync with the sutures releases a morbid butterfly into the pit of my stomach.  “Yeah, I was on patrol with jesse. We were checking out that one restaurant by the lodge, and I found an entrance to the attic. That place has been cleared out for like forever, so I went up on my own and got jumped by a stalker.” she shrugged her shoulders. “Fucking thing nailed me into an old piece of plywood. Piece of shit.” I tie her last stitch off, and give her a gentle pat to tell her she was finished. I got up and made my way to the bathroom to put the kit back.

I turned in the doorway on my way out, “Maybe you should’ve been more careful.” She swings her head at me with squinted eyes. I shrug and turn, heading to the bathroom “just saying!” 

“Fuck off” she calls back, I lightly laugh.

Back in the bedroom, she's lying on her stomach, head resting on her hands. “And then of course Jesse had to give me a fucking lecture about not going anywhere on my own, team communication! All that bullshit.” She turns onto her side propping herself up with one arm, “I’m just so fucking over it.” she looked absolutely exasperated. Oh how I love her dramatics. I sit facing her and her free hand falls to my hip. She looks at her hand, then up to me. Those green eyes, familiar and warm. Home. I smile at her. 

“That sucks. I'm sorry. I mean Jesse should know by now, there's no getting through that thick skull of yours. What's a lecture gonna do?” I smirk at her.

“Ouch.” she sneers at me, one brow up. She lets out a quiet laugh, and looks back down to her hand on my waist. “Thanks for stitching me up babe.”

“You know I don't mind.” I say casually. She smiles, an inside joke painting a picture on the walls of her thoughts. 

“So weird that you're into that.” she chuckles

“I'm not into that.. I just..” her eyes darted to mine. My heart pounded in my ears. She's right, but it was just so blunt. “There's just something about a strong woman who needs my help.” I say fawning innocent eyes, partially joking, but subconsciously egging her on. She sees right through me.  

She raises her eyebrows, taking her hand from my hip and pushing herself up so she's sitting opposite of me. She smiles, “so stupid.” her eyes drift down to my lips, then back to me. I feel red flush my cheeks. Her gaze darkens slightly, noticing. She tilts her head looking at me. “I mean it's okay that you are, i'm not kink shaming” Her hand meets my thigh, electric, and she gives me a sideways smile. I gape at her, trying to make light of the tension building between us.

“So you like taking care of strong women? Yeah?” she says quietly with a smile in her voice as her eyes trace down my body to her hand. Her thumb started circling the sensitive skin of my inner thigh. “Funny, you're normally the one that begs to be'' she looks up at me teasingly “taken care of.” Fuck. I feel heat pool in my belly. My knees squeeze together by their own volition. She feels it and her teasing gaze turns to something else as her eyes shift to them. She bites her lip subtly. This woman. 

Her hand moves to the button of her pants, “well i did have a hard day,” she undoes it and glances at me with an evil smile. “And since you enjoy taking care of strong women” she pulled on her zipper. “Mind doing me a favor?”

Jesus Christ.

“What do you have in mind?” I say, wide eyed. I try to sound cool but my voice comes out hungry. Starved. I watch the switch flip in Ellie's eyes at my words. 

“Take your shirt off.” she demanded with raised brows, and before I could think I was pulling her baggy shirt I was lounging in over my head. I'm left sitting there topless, with nothing but my black underwear on. She rolled famished eyes over my bare skin for what seemed like an eternity. Her eyes settled back on mine. I fidgeted my hands in my lap, feeling suddenly too vulnerable. She leans in slowly without breaking eye contact and my breath catches. Inches from me she whispers “Take off my pants.” 

Immediately I am in her service, at her beck and call. She knows all she has to do is ask. I'll do anything for her. She leans back onto her hands and lifts her hips slightly as I peel her jeans down the soft, yet lean, curves of her hips. Down her thighs, over her knees, and then calves, my eyes tracing every line of her legs. I toss them on the floor, and look back up to her awaiting further instruction. Her eyes are smiling with a dark inflection. 

“Lay down.” I looked at her confused, thinking I was the one taking care of her. Her tone was not a question however, so I obliged. I centered myself on the bed and pulled the nearest pillow under my head, keeping my eyes on her as she stood up and took her white boxers off. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of her. Pretty, untamed. My knees squeeze, I don't try to hide it. She looks at them, and scans back up to my eyes. She stares into me as she walks around the bed to my side. I bite at my nail anxiously. 

“I want you to take care of me, make me feel good m’kay? Can you do that for me?” she asks with a small smile. I nod.

She looks over me once again (START OF AUDIO) “fuck, you look so pretty.” She climbs onto the bed, looking at me like prey to a predator. “Be a good girl for me” she whispers, as she swings one of her legs over my head. Shit, I get it now. Her pussy meets my lips and she lets out a soft “fuck” at my eager mouth. My arms wrap around her thighs, hands gripping soft flesh. She starts to move, pleasuring herself on my tongue. She moans softly, “needed this” she says desperately as her eyes drift close and her head drifts to the ceiling. Her taste envelopes me, her wetness growing by the second with the addition of my saliva wetting her folds. 

“Okay,” she moans, picking up her pace, grinding against my face. She looks down at me, before her eyes dart shut “There!”  I feel her body pulse at the peak of her thrusts and I know she's found her spot. Her bud flicking roughly over my tongue. “Oh shit.. There. There we go” she continues at her pace for a moment. Her pulsing getting stronger. Her eyes snap open and peer at me “Jesus, you feel so good.” she says as her head rolls back and her eyes closed again. She continues her rhythm as I pull my arm from under her leg and skim my hand up her body “okay” she says lost in the sensation. My palm cups her right breast and I squeeze impatiently, then rub a loving thumb over her nipple, circling it. “Damn… yeah” she sighs then her hand meets mine and squeezes the sensitive flesh with me “Baby just like that.” she bites her lip with a whispered “fuck” as she rides my face. 

Her moans and the graphic sound of her wetness fill the room. I reach my other hand down into my underwear and begin circling my own clit firmly, unable to avoid the tension building within my own body. “Fuck me.” she whines into the air, before looking down to me with adoring eyes, “that's my good girl.” her eyes tighten, “lets go” she whispers as she begins to grind harder and faster into my mouth. “Come on.” My hand on my core meets her pace. “Good. There. Okay. There we go” I love how she talks mindlessly when we fuck. Her voice is enough to bring me closer to my own apex. I begin moaning beneath her, unable to contain my own pleasure. She looks down at me “shhhh shh shh shh” she hushes as she pulls my hand from my aching clit before I can reach my undoing. I whimper in disappointment as she pulls my arm from beneath her leg and takes my other one from her chest before pinning them above my head in her strong hands, deepening her weight into my face. “Shut up” she corrects. 

Her rhythm continues and I can tell the new pressure she's added is building her quickly. “God damn.” she says as her eyes squeeze shut. “Okay” That same wrinkle between her eyes deepens again, this time out of pleasure. She rides harder pushing the back of my head further into the pillow. Her moans grow louder, more animalistic. her hands on my wrists tighten to the point that I am sure that there will be a mark. “Holy fuck” she gasps. She pushes hard against me and I can feel the pulse intensify, her sounds grow and grow until suddenly her hands let go of my wrists and bury deep into my hair, pushing me even further into her just at the right time when her head falls back in quiet breathy moans, she rides out her high on my mouth. Her legs shaking and clit pounding as I suck against it,  encouraging her. Tasting her. Worshiping her. She lets out a whimpering breath at the end of her climax and looks down at me beneath her. “Oh my god babe.” She slowly lifts off of my face and I see her flinch slightly at the air touching her sensitivity. She takes a breath before looking at me with a lazy smile.

 “All right. Your turn.”

[circeyoru]

Hi love your work I was wondering if you’re only doing solo leveling or are u still doing haznos hotel thxxxxx

Hello to you too! Thanks for your support~~

Yeah, I'm only doing Solo Leveling at the moment and only accepting request from that side too.

My writing hype for Hazbin Hotel (Alastor) is down in the drain, it was like that when Season 1 was not up yet after I discovered the amazing pilot. I've just been writing without posting cause I'm insecure that way~ So I suspect it'll stay like that until Season 2 or something.

I did get some sweet request for Alastor though (didn't delete them or anything but there're in my inbox just in case I got ideas for them) - Multiverse Alastor with yandere touch x reader (focusing on Angel!Alastor) - Another yandere Alastor with devoted reader - Continuation for Malleus!reader & others...

As I said, Hazbin stuff, request or continuation can't be promised cause I write on the fly and based on my obsession with whatever fandom I'm currently in. Now, apart from Solo, I'm lurking in a few others, so I'm on and off with Solo as well.

Good news is... Holiday is coming up and I'll be free to complete my Solo requests (there's a lot I'm working on, might need to make some doc to compile them together so I can monitor the progress...). Bad news is Hazbin Hotel readers, you gotta make do with what you got at the moment. Haha

Oh but, if any other writer wanna see the request in detail, you can ask or dm me! Some are very detailed, and some not. You guys could take the request and add your own spin to it!! I don't mind at all!!!

My Works: MASTERLIST

[ilovedthestars]

ao3 wrapped game

2, 12, 27

(ao3 wrapped ask game)

2. How many works did you publish this year?

I didn't know the answer to this when i reblogged this ask game. I knew it wouldn't be a lot. Turns out the answer is 2. My gift exchange fic from last year, posted in January, and an update to Old Unit, Young Unit, posted in April.

That really brings into focus how little fic writing i did this year 😅

12. How many WIPs do you have in your docs for next year?

Oh, you are a new enough friend that you haven't heard about my enormous pile of wips. One sec, let me go count.

Number of folders in my massive mbd fic scrivener document that i haven't marked as either posted or abandoned: 28

Now, calling all of those WIPs would definitely be a stretch at this point. A lot of them I haven't touched in at least a year and probably will never finish. But I do have a HUGE amount of unpublished fic lol

In terms of WIPs I might actually put on AO3 in the next year...I have a lot of OC stuff with Yuma & Crowbar and with Niri / OldUnit / the rest of the Polaris squad that I'd really like to get out into the world!

27. What do you listen to while writing?

All sorts of stuff! Depends a little bit on my mood/the mood of what i'm writing, but also on, like, the state my brain is in that day. Sometimes I need something very simple and not distracting, so I'll put on something instrumental (I'll go for Lindsey Stirling if i still want upbeat energy without words). Other times I need music with words because it's just enough stimulation to fill up the rest of my brain so I can focus on writing and not wander off into other thoughts. Often I'll just have one single song on repeat, and I stop hearing it after a while.

[dark--whisperings]

🦋Making of Monday!!! 🦋

The fantastic @palfriendpatine66 had this lovely idea (see this post), and I was eager to jump on board! Sometimes, I feel a bit... self-conscious about my writing process, because it can be a bit chaotic. You know... the whole imposter thing; I'm not a real writer because my process isn't nice and tidy and clean. Sound familiar to anyone?!

Lets change that!

I just started a new WIP (Escort/Never a Jedi AU anyone 👀), so I'll share what the process of starting a new WIP for me usually looks like!

---

Typically, when I have an idea for a new fic I'd like to write, I'll throw the prompt into the title for a new Google Doc, adding any ideas to the document itself, and save it in my "in progress folder". I may or may not be ready to start working on it, but I'll have my ideas jotted down for if and when I'm ready to give it a shot.

When I'm ready to start writing, I'll usually just have at it. Might not start from the beginning of the fic, but start writing from a point where I've had inspiration. I might not even end up keeping this piece, but it serves as a little... warm up for the specific fic, if you will.

This allows me to get a feel for the prompt, and to start generating ideas to fill in the fic, outside of the initial point of inspiration. At this point, I'll usually stop writing, and generate an outline. And when I say outline... it's nothing special. Just a point-form list of the things I want to hit while writing, in the order I want to hit them. This allows me to see where I've got gaps, and to make sure I touch on all the things that I want to. It also helps me see places where I might have too much clutter—in this case, I'll decide what I want to keep, and throw the other ideas into a document for future works. As I work on the piece, I'll remove bullet points as I hit them (or as I decide they are unnecessary).

At this point... there's no rhyme or reason for my process. I just riff on my ideas. When I write, I'm not going for a style or rhythm. I'm just trying to get the words on the page. It's messy, not grammatically correct, and often bulky, but it doesn't matter. I actually really like sprinting for this reason... when challenged with a clock, I'm less focused on making things "perfect", and more focused on just having fun with the prompt.

I do have a process I go through with editing too, but I thought I'd save that for next week!

---

Excited to see who else participates in these posts. Tag me if you do! Curious as to everyone else's approach to their writing.

Happy Monday Friends! 💖✨💖✨

[artiststarme]

What If Steve Were To Leave Hawkins? Part 18

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17

Well, I don't really like this one but I want to get something out today! Only two more parts, it's bittersweet in a way. I did not think that the first fic I ever wrote would have so many parts or be over 70 pages on a google doc.

I'm already working on a few new fics though I don't know if I'll end up posting them. One is a Steve superpower fic and the other is an angsty one with Steve and Eddie leaving together. Would anyone be interested in reading those?

~*~*~*~

Steve was feeling good. While he had initially been nervous to see his family again after being ignored and leaving town, he recognized that he may have judged the situation too harshly. The entire Party, besides Erica who was still at summer camp, was sitting at one of the picnic tables set up in the Byers’ backyard. They were all laughing and catching up until Hopper cleared his throat and brought up the dreaded topic. 

“So, I know we’re all having a good time here but I think we should talk about what happened,” he said, immediately bringing everyone’s attention to Steve.

Steve chuckled nervously, “Um, I don’t think we do. Everything’s fine, we’ve all moved on.”

Steve didn’t need anyone else pointing out his flaws. He’s already been made aware that he misunderstood the situation and acted too hastily, he really didn’t want to talk about it again. And if there was one thing he hated above all else, it was seeing people become sad when they were supposed to be happy. He saw the kid’s smiles starting to fade at Hopper’s words and he desperately wanted to keep them there. “Besides, I’m back right now! Let’s focus on that. Where’s the ice cream?”

Hopper glared harder at his pseudo-son and gruffly muttered, “we are talking about it. You left without telling anyone, had us looking for you for months thinking we might find a body, and then you show up acting like nothing happened!”

He turned his angered gaze to Eddie sitting next to Steve, “And don’t think you’re off the hook either, Munson. You were talking to him for weeks without telling any of us. Then you disappeared too. I had to deal with Wheeler trying to push me into charging Steve with kidnapping.”

At that, both Steve and Eddie nearly gave themselves whiplash turning to look at Mike. “What the hell, bro?” Eddie was surprised and somewhat touched at his concern. 

Meanwhile, Steve felt the opposite. He was offended, he’d known this kid for years and he still hated him despite everything he’d done. The fucker was permanently on his shit list now. “What the fuck, Wheeler? You little shit!” 

Hopper cleared his throat once again to drag their offended expressions away from the scowling teen. “Language! You both should know better than to disappear without telling anyone, especially with what we all have gone through. So what happened?”

Steve looked at Eddie. Eddie looked at Steve. Everyone else looked at them looking at each other. Steve sighed and tried to explain in a way that wouldn’t expose his vulnerability. “I didn’t think anyone would care if I left. My dad kicked me out and I didn’t have anywhere else to go. None of you had talked to me in weeks at that point so I just started driving. I ended up in Chicago and now I really like it there.”

Everyone around the table looked slightly horrified. They had all played a part in his departure, they knew. But they didn’t consider how distant and unreachable they had made themselves. 

“Kid, why didn’t you come here? Joyce and I told you that you could stay here whenever you needed to. Why didn’t you come to us?” Hopper asked, his gruff voice strained and congested. 

Steve just shook his head, his fingers twisting Eddie’s in search of comfort. “I didn’t want to bother you guys. You already have three kids, I didn’t want you to have to take me in because of pity.”

“So instead you went off on your own like a dumbass?” Max said. 

He glanced at her, “I’ve been alone my entire life so yeah, it wasn’t that bad. I found a job and an apartment. I’m happy now.”

“Why didn’t you reach out to anyone, Steve? We were really worried about you,” Joyce added. 

“Everyone seemed to be going about their normal lives when I called. I didn’t think you guys really noticed that I was gone and I didn’t want to bother you. I really don’t want to talk about it,” Steve said, frowning and making moves to make himself appear smaller. 

Eddie, sensing his boyfriend’s inner turmoil, placed a comforting hand on his knee, an action hidden from view of the others at the table. Steve shot him a manically desperate but appreciative close-lipped smile. His eyes begged Eddie to do something to draw the attention away from him. 

And Eddie would always do what he could to help his boyfriend. Without hesitation, he blurted, “Steve and I are dating!”

With that, Steve’s self-inflicted disappearance was forgotten. The reactions ranging throughout the group were extreme. Hopper had the most dramatic spit take of his life and spit his iced tea all over El and Mike that sat opposite him at the table. El looked confused at the situation before leveling her father with a glare for drenching her new shirt in iced tea and spit. Mike was glowering at Steve looking absolutely disgusted. Will and Joyce had small, surprised smiles on their faces. Nancy and Johnathan’s jaws dropped in surprise, staring at the two in the utmost shock. Lucas and Dustin similarly looked shocked like they had expected anything else. Max was blankly looking at them like she already knew. Robin was looking at Steve nervously, anxiously awaiting his reaction. And Steve? He was looking at Eddie in horrified shock. So that wasn’t the distraction that he was gunning for then. 

Mike, unsurprisingly, collected his wits most quickly. “Are you fucking kidding me?! First my sister and now my Dungeon Master? Do you have no fucking shame, Steve?”

His indignation brought Steve out of his shock quickly, defensiveness overtaking his initial horror. “Okay, watch your fucking mouth, Wheeler. This has literally nothing to do with you. Nothing! I don’t know why you’re always so invested in my love life but it’s weird, dude. Stop.”

Mike sputtered and seemingly could not find anything justifiable to say in response. Robin jumped in then, face still aflame in a heavy blush. She said, “Well I support you and I am happy that you are happy! Right, guys?”

She turned to the others that were still recovering from their shock. They all nodded except for Hopper. His blank expression made Steve anxious, even more so when he got up from his seat and moved towards him. 

“Hop, I just… I’m sorry… I just-”

He was silenced when Hopper pulled him into a bear hug. “I’ll always support you kid, even when you’re interested in the likes of Munson here. I might not understand it but I accept it.”

Steve hugged him back with tears in eyes, “Thanks, Hop.”

They both pulled away after another moment and Hopper went back to his seat next to Joyce. The whole table was up in arms debating on whether they had seen this coming (Max, Lucas, and Will said they had; Dustin, Mike, and El definitely did not). Steve just smiled at the chaos that was his family and pulled a blushing Eddie up by the shirt collar before tugging him close. Steve looked into Eddie’s eyes and whispered against his lips, “you’re such a dipshit.”

Eddie smiles and runs his tongue along his lower lip, “yeah, but I’m your dipshit.”

Steve barked a laugh in response before giving him the grossest, messiest kiss he could manage. Even with the disgusted outcries from the Party and the berries being thrown at them courtesy of Robin, kissing Eddie and being surrounded by family had Steve feeling happy and complete.

Part 19 Part 20: Epilogue

Updated Taglist: @nickavalens @conversesweetheart @themostunoriginalpersonever @swimmingbirdrunningrock @eddiethegreatteddybear @harrumphingtons @call-me-big-eyes @moonshadows-13 @glittergluekintsugi @cpidcupk @doubleb11 @mentalcyborg @amoris-no-smut-allowed @purple-lemonade @labels-are-for-the-weak @thebrazilianatheist @rajumat @livelaughlexa @5ammi90 @colorful565 @marvelousforlife @chaoticcoffeequeen @gregre369 @suddenlyinlove @thegreatmistake @stillfullofshit @nburkhardt @batxsignalsx @newunknowns @thosemessyvibes @tailsfromthecrypt @luciana-rowan @bird-with-pencils @adaed5 @lolawon @flustratedcas @iwillfindmyneverland @messrs-weasley @skoomy-doompy

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[illegalmushrooms]

shrooooms, the kids miss uu where art thou 😭

... hey!

(incoming yap session, beware)

This is a little awkward. I haven't touched my Tumblr in like, apparently three years. There's some questions in my inbox, but they're so old it feels a bit strange to answer them now, right? 😭

Anyway. It's nice to see you! Whoever you may be! (Are the kids OK?)

Last week, for god knows what reason, I re-donned my mushroom hat (humor me for a moment and imagine a Mario Toad-style monstrosity) and published a new (old) chapter of Don't Leave! (y'all remember that? Does anyone reading this right now remember or know who I am??).

Laying off the parentheses now--I explained in the chapter a bit of the future of the story and what was happening with me. Oh my gosh, is that a conveniently-placed link to the chapter down below?

As I mentioned somewhere in that conveniently-placed link, I'm mostly fine, and there's nothing else I have written for Don't Leave! so far.

Well...

Okay, so that's a complete and utter lie. I do have something written. But I'm afraid it's not very useful.

I actually wrote... a complete, very dramatic ending to the story. It's an interesting ending, to say the least, but of course, the story is nowhere near that point. I'd have to write another thirty-forty-who knows more chapters or something to even reach this supposed ending, and by then I might not even like the idea I have there.

I guess that's not relevant. I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that I never, ever, forgot about Don't Leave! I've thought about it a lot, even when I haven't been writing a single word. I've been reading every comment and message I received across the different platforms, and you know, smiling stupidly at my phone every time. I've totally missed the world of fanfiction! I've missed Bella, the ridiculous character I conjured up within the depths of pandemic-era isolation! I've missed sitting down at my laptop and tap-tapping away and sinking into this wonderful world Togashi made!

So here's what I'm going to say about the story. (This post just gets longer and longer, doesn't it? Sorry!)

As of right now, there is no next chapter.

I can't say when there might be a next chapter.

I can say that maybe, life-permitting, I'll post something in the fall, if I can squeeze in some time to rewatch HxH. I've just... forgotten a lot of the go story's intricacies that an author has to keep in mind to write a comprehensible fic.

That's what I have to say about Don't Leave! .

(and, to anyone who might be thinking of those other fics I wrote, which I highly doubt anyone is... I actually have a few chapters of them simmering in my docs somewhere. But I'm a bit embarrassed about it, so let's consider them dead for the moment, alright?)

Now that I've cleared that up, and some of my conscience along with it, I suppose I'll drop in a tiny life update for any curious souls. I've never disclosed much about myself and I'd like to consider myself awful cool and mysterious, but can I speed run certain vague life events from my past three years?

I... survived a car crash, travelled to new countries and places, moved, wrote a ton (fanfic and general fiction, all of it kind of ass), survived a fire, worked and toiled to the capitalist machine, had a couple mental breakdowns, conquered the mental health, lost it again, conquered again...

...and so on...

What's next for me?

I am hesitant of publishing anything else at the moment. I have a lot of fics I'd written just sitting in my files; everything from miscellaneous anime stuff to Harry Potter to this one reallllly odd story about isekai-ing into Minecraft, of all things. (I actually kind of like that one. Don't know if there's an audience for that kind of thing, though). My writing has absolutely improved since those admittedly rough early chapters of DL (I am ASTOUNDED it ever gained the little audience that it did) but there's still an anxiety I have about sharing my work. Silly, yes, but that's that.

For right now, I have the new DL chapter, I have this long-ass update post, and I have my genuine appreciation.

Much love to anyone who might still care. <3

Until next time?

Illegal Mushrooms

[mango-jpeg]

st elmo's fire and drop the knife notes

(i wasn't sure at first if i would make these posts again this year (like.. get a new bit bro) but ultimately i do think they're helpful for me so i'll stick w it for now)

i don’t remember much about persona 3 from playing it 15 years ago. basically all i remember is 1) being obsessed with akihiko 2) sobbing like a baby when i finished it @ 2 am 3) the crackly, fuzzy quality of my old tube tv

anyway i also don't remember writing much of st elmo's fire bc i was so inside it the whole time. i did think more about structure for both fics, i think that's something i'm going to focus on more this year

sidenote: i read chuck palahniuk's consider this in jan which was a great read on its own and also gave me lots to think about re: writing, and influenced me/my thinking for both of these fics

additional sidenote: coming to terms w the fact that the style of writing i enjoy most + would like to imitate works best in first person but i do not want to write or read first person fanfiction

for the first time i wrote drafts/outlines of almost every scene in my notes app then wrote them out fully in docs, which it turns out is a good way to do things

past tense? again?? who am i.

st elmo’s fire wrote from feb 6-7? to feb 25

this is maybe the most for me and only me thing i’ve written. i’ve wanted to write an awkward morning after pill scene for so long

looked up their personas bc i was curious about their mythology and obviously seized on the st elmo’s fire thing

(i thought it'd be cool to include a bit of magic in a fic that otherwise ignores all the canon magic)

this fic was my way of reaching back thru time to my horrible teenage self + saying you’re gonna be ok kid

reading:

I Have Some Questions for You, Rebecca Makkai

Me Talk Pretty One Day, David Sedaris

Heartburn, Nora Ephron

listening: st elmo’s fire (approx 40 times a day), hold it in

fav early bit i wrote: the whole paragraph about shinji’s boobs a fav late addition:

Inside the air was dry and charged; Akihiko was sure if he touched Shinji he’d spark. He felt the kind of calm certainty he usually felt only before matches, when he knew the result would be in his favour.

drop the knife wrote from feb 21 to mar 10

i have sequel disease. once i've written the long 'figuring out the characters' fic i neeeed to write another one. i think it's getting worse actually, i think i might have trilogy disease (write one long standalone and immediately want to write 2 related works)

the kind of cooking i do is soup. if i had things my way this is the only food we'd eat. this made writing the recipes a huge pain in the ass bc i do not think shinji is a 'throw everything into a pot and let it figure itself out' kind of cook

took the key lime pie recipe straight out of the last chapter of heartburn. idk if this is really the ‘right’ dessert but it’s the kind of food i’d actually make and i wanted to include one heartburn recipe

i thought writing aki instead of akihiko for the whole fic would be annoying and then switching between the two became a way of reflecting shinji's attempt at putting distance between them ie. thinks 'aki' in the abstract, and when his guard is low. idk how much that comes thru in reading but i made the attempt

reading:

Heartburn, Nora Ephron (i reread chapters for 3 weeks. i loved everything about this book. i’m codependent on it now.)

Wallflower at the Orgy, Nora Ephron

Tokyo Ueno Station, Yu Miri

Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut

listening: sore, knife, i got heaven

fav early bit:

Aki looked at him. He was within arm’s reach and his face was soft in a way it rarely was, his eyes large in the dark. Shinjiro wanted him in ways he’d given up on long ago, wanted him bloody and beneath him, wanted him laughing and leaning in to close the distance.

late addition:

Aki was like one of those dogs bred to rip prey out of their burrows or drag sleds across the tundra; being forced to stay inside was torturous, he needed something he could sink his teeth into.

took me ages to come up with a title, i didn’t even have a working one. found the poem oxygen when i went searching and i liked the phrase drop the knife bc knives are used in cooking (lol) + implies being disarmed + the poem has the sort of half of my soul vibe these guys have goin on

[bunnygirl678]

20 questions for fic writers

i felt like doing one of these lmao

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

30! Which most of them are for Nameless lmao

2. What's your total A03 word count?

304.751, about to go up again lol, probably another 80k in this month, 268,863 have been in 2023, lol. I spent a large portion of time not writing, but after my breakup this year I've started writing frequently again.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Right now really just pokemon, if something else comes to me I'll write it, I'm working on a dragon ball z fic, but I don't touch it a ton.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

This is sad for me cause they all suck. I wrote them late high school early college, and they're all based on the Avengers movies (although one i think may have been the comics) it's a huge fandom, and I've had them up for 10 years so (god it's been that long already???) All of my good marvel 616 fics are missing, buried in a discord that I don't have access to anymore and word docs from a computer long since recycled

But in order, I feel Salem, Astronaut, Almost Honest, Wicked Games, The Whole World Was Moving But I was Standing Still (God what was with my names then lol)

Please don't read them haha

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to! Sometimes I miss them, but I try to respond when I see them, even a few weeks/months later. I really appreciate comments, and I feel like I've made some friends through them, or at least they comment on stuff I write, and I can reference my other fics to them lol, though they can totally make friends on here or discord, happy to talk to anyone. I've had people tell me I inspired them to write which is seriously the highest honor.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

ummmm prolly the one where Tony dies after Steve cheats on him, I think that one is 616 based, but don't quote me, or go read it, the writing is...undeveloped, I think at that point I just started writing them, my characterizations weren't great, they got better but none of that is available lol

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Ummmmm maybe Ode to my Soulmate? I can't do sad endings for the most part, my philosophy is real life sucks so I always try to make happy endings, Frank Left has a nice ending, that one gets almost no love, but I adore it.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I'm not good enough/big enough to get hate, lmao. Smaller fandom now, i think there might be some negative comments on the marvel ones but I haven't read those in yearsss.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I'm trying, Oral Fixation is my most recent published, but I'm working on one where Green gives Red a blowie in his Neo Champ uniform from masters, i've been writing that since the neochampion uniforms came out months ago ahha. I'm not great at smut, but I'm practicing, fun fact I learned how to give a bj through fanfics, and used to get compliments all the time in my younger sluttier years lol (Pre-kid haha)

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Not anymore, I used to do 101 dalmatian crossovers lol, i doubt any are published, maybe on fanfic.net but i don't even remember my username haven't touched that since like 2011, i used to do x-men crossovers where various characters would have mutant powers, but i doubt those are published either.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so? I'm probably too small to get that kind of notice. I always welcome people to steal my aus and write their own fic with it (not copy paste my stuff, but write out the au the way they come up with with their own words)

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I doubt it, but anyone can, I might end up translating one or two when I finally start learning a new language, or maybe improve my output on spanish (i can read it but not write/speak/listen well lmao)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yeah but this was high school and I don't think we ever posted them, again might be on fanfic.net, but like I don't even remember my username

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

I don't have a favorite, maybe reguri, or 616!stony which i don't read much anymore but will always hold a place in my heart, my oldest ship is probably rougexgambit

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Blood Bank- but only because there is no ending, I'm going to continue that thing for the rest of my life, (at least quarterly updates lol although working on a new chapter now), there's also a reguri one that i wrote like 10k words on after i first started writing again, but it sucks ass, I don't love the plot to rewrite, I've written a lot more better stuff for them

16. What are your writing strengths?

I feel like I do pretty well with hints/twists. Certain characters I'm really good at writing, feel like I've gotten really good at world building, and coming up with off the wall aus. IDK i'm not good at pointing out my strengths.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Everything not listed above? Lol. No, probably missing edits and not noticing them until I'm reading the fic months later, I'm getting better at pacing and general flow, sometimes I overdo it on dialog, and leave out movement. Smut too, but i'm working on everything, the key is to just keep writing, also too many fics going at once,

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I typically don't do it unless I know the language, I'll just put it in english and say they said it in whatever lang. So like for Kalos I just say they're speaking Kalosian lol

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I used to tell stories with 101 dalmatians, but the first I ever actually wrote was from Stargate SG-1, I was like 10ish, I didn't post it, it's long since been trashed, but I was obsessed with Carter/O'neil and wanted them to adopt Cassie (i think that was her name, it's been years since I watched that show), first published is probably x-men i remember writing phoenix's force fics and posting on fanfic, might have done a ginnyxdraco for harry potter. These would be on my old fanfic.net or possibly livejournal, i don't remember,

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

I write all my fics for myself, so i really love them all, and go back and reread them often lol

Unfinished, Under the Alolan Sun and Blood Bank, those are my passion projects, I have fun writing them,

finished, either The Most Expansive Collection of Champion Red Merch in All of Kanto (probably one of my least angsty lol) or How to Beat Champion Red at Something (my silly little ficlet about Red being a picky eater, i just giggle when i reread it)

Ode to My Soulmate is also up there.

[alchemistc]

👓💛🔮 for the writer asks, please!

👓What helps you focus when you write?

-Clean organized workspace, Earl Grey tea, lavender and cedarwood candle, atmospheric background noise (if it has lyrics I'm fucked for focus)

The fic I'm working on right now already has it's own pinterest board and a whole ass playlist of atmospheric yt sounds. Maybe once artist claims are done for SBB I'll post a teaser of them.

💛What is the most impactful lesson you've learned about writing?

Ooooh, this is rough, but I think, honestly, the one piece of advice I only decided to take in the last year or so has helped me enjoy writing so much more: If it doesn't fit, or you're getting stuck: just Fucking Delete It And Start Over. If it's a word, a paragraph, a phrase, and you're deliberating too much or waffling or it's causing you to stare at your gd cursor but you still like it - Ctrl+V it into a new tab and then get rid of it. Move on. Come back to it and see if it's still something you need.

The number of times I've left a "scrap" of writing in a draft on G Docs or in my phone notes and then either found a better place for it, or been inspired by it to write something else entirely, AND gave my brain the audacity to move past it and keep going has been amazing.

That and [ELEPHANT]. If you're blanking on a word but the flow is there, keep those juices going and just bracket an filler word in there. Ctrl+F that bitch later when the juices aren't flowing so well.

The point is - don't get caught up on the details. Don't let yourself get stuck. A draft is a draft for a reason, and even me with my "reading it on ao3 and catching spelling mistakes 6 days later" laissez-faire attitude about editing, There's Always Time To Fix It.

🔮Any advice for writers working through burnout or writers block?

See above, but also - put it down. Walk away. Change your scenery, take a walk, actually touch some grass.

For burnout, literally put it away. If you're in a spot where it's just not working and you're spinning your wheels and shit's just not hitting, or you're sad or annoyed or beating yourself up or you're just fucking tired, take a nap and get back to it.

For a lost muse - change it up. Drink a different tea, take your laptop outside and sit in the sun, leave the laptop alone entirely and take a hike through the woods. Take a notebook with you when you draw yourself a bubble bath. Disassociate in the grocery store. Rework the scene with your pillow as an acting partner while you try to fall asleep (If you're anything like me, you'll do this for hours bc insomnia is a bitch.)

Most of all - let yourself be moved by the story if it needs it. I used to be a very stream-of-consciousness writer, and have only in the last few years really outlined a whole story before I write it, but the thing that always used to stop me from planning it out is the same thing that held me up once I started - I write where the words take me, and if you limit yourself to the story you started out with you might miss some happy accidents.

Thanks for the questions!!

FANFIC WRITER ASK GAME

[edenwolfie]

🥺,🛒,❌,💲,👀,🧠(Hua Cheng, Xie Lian),🎉,✅ for the writing meme!!!

Hoooo boy! Thank you and hello! Let's gooo

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels? A good old passionate smooch! as someone who irl hates kisses, oh boy the concept of them? mmmm yess, very good. Also just, casual touching, love that shit. Folks crying on each other or an emotional confession??? wrecks me.

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc. I love,,,soft. Found family gets in there a lot. Adding women into settings where there's not many of them in canon (ie. compass and tangled by the night). I think all my fics have a getting together component. A little angst, h/c, etc always gets in there cause 👌👌👌.

❌ What's a trope you will never write? Write? oh man...less of a trope, more of a genre, different setting AUs are not it for me, ie. modern AUs, historial AUs, I always like the settings of whatever it is I'm writing of and that's the world I want to play around in, and even when I'm reading fic, those are the fics I only really read when I'm desperate for something. Tropes wise I could probs see myself writing any if it suited me?

💲 Would you ever open commissions? Probably not, mainly because if I do not have a clear plan of the overall structure of a fic, it will not get finished. I am however defo open to suggestions of fic ideas, they may or may not take me anywhere, but they also might! I had so much fun with my artist partner angie-s-g when working on 'let our walls cave in' for the mdzs rbb22 as that was a very collaborative process in laying out the story beats together which I then went running with. All my other fics v much get written p much in a vaccuum without outside eyes (which, not the greatest i will say, and, one of the reasons i started posting compass before it was done was so i could get a little feedback as we went, but it is what it is). I think i got off topic here....whoops

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please! Oh, hm...let me check the wip doc...hmmm, of these I have no idea if any will get finished or even shared...I've been working on Compass for like, a year and a half now and I only really dip into these when I get stuck but want to keep the writing habit going and oh man there a lot of very shameless smut/abo/nonsense in here . So short answer is, no idea what the next actual project is, maybe one of these, maybe a new idea!

🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them. For the both of them, its the ace-spectrum headcanons, because lets be real, its barely a headcanon and as an ace person, I fuckin love that shit.

🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success? Anyone else reads the thing! Honestly, in classic writer form, all my fics have been written very self indulgently for me, that anyone else likes them is awesome. That a few have become p well loved is legit mind blowing to me as someone who does not have a huge amount of confidence in their writing!

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to? My own little kinks always slip in there rip 🫣

ask game :)

[downcastoutcast]

Day 1 # 100

All right, so I've been here before many, many times. Typically it involves me realizing another year has gone by of me planning on doing things that I never end up doing, and then I go into existential crisis mode, and then I tell myself I've got to do something. Usually this comes in the form of me drafting a new YouTube video and then ultimately shelving it after it's been written and maybe even filmed to some degree. So many projects started but unfinished...

Since 2015, I have tried to get a written project off the ground. It's existed as web diagrams, timelines, loose leaf notebook paper, Google Docs, etc. And the funniest part about all of that, to me, is that in all of that time, 2 very, very short chapters were written. Among all of the "notes" I had, there's probably less than 20 pages. The problem is, I haven't been working on this project for the past 8 years with little to no breaks - far from it. If anything, the project gets touched once, maybe twice in a year, and then it's back into the dusty recesses of my mind where I might think about it again when I get in that mood. Now look, I'm no professional writer. I don't even qualify as an amateur writer. But it doesn't take a writer to tell you that if you plan on going anywhere, literally anywhere, with writing, you have to do just that: write. Write, and write, and write.

Over the years, between videos and the previously mentioned project, I've written little things here and there. Writing prompt stories, story ideas (and I use the term ideas loosely), the occasional "first page" of a story I may have never really intended to write. My problem, like most things I've set my mind to in my life, is having the discipline and determination to see it through. And I'll tell you what, at 28 years old, I've had plenty of periods in my life where I've looked back and thought Okay, another year older. Time to get moving. Man, you can only do that so many times before you really are as old as you think you feel. Life happens, things change, people come and go, and nothing is ever really as easy as we want it or need it to be. That's why you've just got to do the damn thing... within reason, of course, I'm not advocating murder here. Get that doughnut, adopt that dog, write that fucking story. You get one life, and it's not going to be perfect and it is going to be messy, but it's yours.

WIth this 100th Day 1 (or maybe Day 2 or 3 at this point in my "reboot" cycle), I plan to make a real go of it. And the first thing on my list is to take that story I've touched on and off for the past 8 years, and burn that bitch to the ground. Maybe I can sweep some of the ashes into a little dustpan and incorporate them into future writings, but for now, it's back to square one. I truly hope this is the first of many posts as I chonicle whatever this journey is going to be. I mean, I really hope I do more actual writing than Tumblring (Tumblng?), but this is a decent outlet to have.

I don't know how people sign off anymore. See you later...?

[thebigqueer]

omg new year new fun tag game. ty for the tag!! this looks fun

1. how many works do you have on AO3?

49 currently but i have deleted or orphaned some so it could be more than that

2. what’s your total AO3 word count?

187454

3. what fandoms do you write for?

only riordanverse. i’ve considered writing for adventure time but i just don’t have enough passion for it

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Soft Touches in the Darkness (valgrace one shot)

moonlight (valgrace one shot)

Promise? (solangelo one shot)

Lost Voices (solangelo tartarus fic)

Secrets Uncovered in the Firelight (solangelo one shot)

5. do you respond to comments?

no cuz i’m shy 😭 but i do sometimes if someone’s comment is particularly exciting or i like a take. i do always always appreciate the comments though they make me happy <333

6. fic with angstiest ending?

hmm… i would say Bottle the World (arcane au valgrace snippet) or Flaming Eyes (leo & jason)

7. fic with happiest ending?

probably New Year, Old Beginnings (valgrace secret santa au).

8. do you get hate on fics?

no not really. & i’m thankful for that!!

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

not publicly i don’t 🤭 but if you were to look through my docs there’s probably like one sexy piece with my ocs. idk if it counts as smut cuz they don’t actually do anything... it’s just toxic lesbian horny rage nothing really happens lol

10. do you write crossovers? what’s the craziest one you’ve ever written?

i don’t really but i do have an arcane au. it’s not really a crossover i just kind of made up a plot for pjo characters based on the end of arcane lol. (arcane au snippets) WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED someone once asked me to do a (crackfic) she-ra & pjo crossover but i can't find the link unfortunately...

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don’t think so

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

nah

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes but weve only posted 2 before. all the other co-written fics never got finished unfortunately

14. what’s your all time favorite ship?

honestly i don't have one i think it really depends on my mood and what im reading at the moment.

15. what’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

ARCANE AU 😭 MY POOR ARCANE AU IM SORRY 😭 it's not that i wont write it its just that its never going to be coming out in full its all gonna be in one shots because i have 0 energy. also i had this one "immortal" au i tried writing a while ago and i still like the concept just not the characters i used at the time but i dont think ill write it again

16. what are your writing strengths?

i write a lot (as in my word counts are high per fic) but i dont really consider it a strength because i don't think length equates to the quality of a fic. a fic is good even if its short or long, and i like short fics more beacuse i feel like im feeling just as much in a shorter amount of time but other people might prefer long fics. its about what you write about and how you do it, not about length. ive also been told im pretty good at integrating introspection with dialogue but idk.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

also plot. it's like the fics that have a really dense and thought-out plot are the ones i never get to finish cuz i get too intimmidated after i finish planning them. i'll always plan them out in bullet points and then even when im almost done planning them out i just give up at the last minute and then never get them done lol. maybe one day i'll finally write something. i think if the plot isn't too dense then it's better off

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i think it's cool. i don't think i've done it yet but maybe i will one day.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

percy jackson. it was a solangelo fic in first person on wattpad 💀 WAITT SCRATCH THAT. when i was in 2nd grade me & bff at the time LOVED the rainbow magic books so i think we wrote something that was similar in plot to that. that was a banger series

20. favorite fic you’ve written?

i really liked "Stay. For Once." (lost trio fic) because it was my first time writing something for the lost trio and even though looking back i might change some things i think i really loved writing about them & thinking about their dynamic. i also really liked "Stars Bursting Across His Lips" (valgrace one-shot) not because i actually like the fic itself that much but it was really fun to write cuz i think driving on a highway at night is the sexiest most erotic most romantic thing anyone can do. i dont think i have a true favorite though.

tagging: @crushing-on-nico-di-angelo @perachel-heretic and anyone else who wants to do it. no pressure though

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @mrv3000

1. how many works do you have on Ao3? 195

2. what's your total Ao3 word count? 403 068

3. what fandoms do you write for? percy jackson and the olympians, heroes of olympus, trials of apollo, kane chronicles, magnus chase and the gods of asgard, nevermoor, her royal highness, roots of chaos, x-men (films mostly but some comic bleedover), avatar the last airbender, the legend of korra, the kyoshi novels, marvel cinematic universe, bbc ghosts, a song of ice and fire, doctor who, the locked tomb, star wars (prequels mostly), spiderman comics, rosewood chronicles, derry girls, dc (vaguely, comics)

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

rot with all the burnouts in the cell (dc marvel crossover)

oh my brother, my brother, my brother (who have you become in the wake of all that's happened?) (star wars timetravel)

breezeblocks bricking up my heart (my take on a dadneto reveal)

water into wine (five times percy was the son of dionysus and one time he was the son of poseidon)

5. do you respond to comments? i do my best

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

that's relative and i have so many fics that this probably isn't accurate but by my own measure it's probably don't want to fight the tide (nevermoor fic, being immortal sucks)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

again that's relative but i'd say there's a million roads to rediscover (pjo/hoo five times jason missed his sister, and one time he saw her again)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

occasionally i get like smarmy comments like one on a certain fic that the timeline didn't line up (it did + i had page references + it was tagged canon divergence anyway) but not really

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i have one so ig lesbian threesomes??

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

i write so many crossovers i love putting characters in situations. probably rot with all the burnouts in the cell since it involved a ton of drama

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i'm aware of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i think one of them but i can't remember which one. (technically this is studying) i'm trying to translate a few of my drabbles into scots gaelic

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

in part like it got started and then i got ghosted before anything else happened

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

the couple i've written the most about is a tie between morridence, fierrochase, and jadie, but i'd say i get the most feelings about ruegard

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Great the Roman is coming up to its third year anniversary this month and i only hit the halfway point a few months ago so we'll see

16. What are your writing strengths?

lesbians. probably emotional stuff if i'm being serious

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

plot. its part of the reason i only do oneshots about 1k-3k but i'd like to work on more big fics. part of the reason was i started a bunch back in 2021 and i'm still working on two of them

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

one of my fics has some dialogue in scots gaelic but i cannot remember for the life of me if its supposed to be 'S ann or 'S e form and its haunting me

19. First fandom you wrote for?

fun fact: i originally wrote on wattpad and published a fierrochase fic on the release day of the hammer of thor. it's called fierrochase and it Sucks but it might actually be the first one ever which is fun if not slightly haunting

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

well you don't know me. but i know you it's a asoiaf time travel fic from the pov of people who don't know. i feel like i really pushed myself with characterisation on it

tagging people who i think write fic @tragedykery @lesmiserablol @oh-hush-its-perfect @thebigqueer @aphrodititi @ethannku @speedytherandom

[thatsalrightprettymama]

I Think I'm in Love

A/N: Thank you so much @smbonilla2002 for requesting this! I loved this song and I'll be honest while the first movie played at the drive in I listened to it, wrote, and the story just came alive! I honestly never expected to write something this long, but despite it's length I'm really proud of this fic! I honestly hope you enjoy this! Thank you again from the bottom of my heart! You don't know how much it means to me to have you and others request work and interact with my work!

Also I'm sorry that this is all one post! My word started to mess up around the 5.5k mark and the easiest way to post it was to look at it in read only view and copy and paste in one go! I promise the next time I make content that looks like its gonna be near this link ill make a pause point and start another doc 😂😂.

Also last note, there are a bit of historical in accuracies.

1. I changed the year that Alice Cooper (Vincent Furniture), Chevy Chase, and Liza Manelli let Elvis in his International suite. They met in 1973, but for this story's sake they met in 1970.

2. Priscilla and Elvis split in 1972 and officiating the divorce in 73. For the story's sake they split and divorced in 68/69.

3. I also do not know the tour dates or schedule of Alice Cooper or Elvis in 70, so idk if their schedules lined up but for the story they did lol.

As always it's unedited, so I apologize for any mistakes! Criticism is always welcomed! I hope you enjoy it!

Word Count: 6.2k

Warnings: Mentions of drug use, cussing, mentions of sex, mentions of domestic violence/abuse, fluff, angst, hurt/comfort.

 Buzzing you stood outside the International Hotel with you brother Vinny, or as the rest of the world new him as, Alice Cooper. “Y/N. Don’t be weird. “Vinny tells you sternly, his dark eyes boring into yours. “The only way I got you in was saying you were my assistant, and I didn’t go anywhere without you on tour. Per manager’s request. “He tells you as you two stand in the dry Vegas air. “Wow, way to make me seem like I’m the weirdo of the family, and I don’t care whatever you had tell them, I’m Just glad I made that promise when I was seven. “You tell your older brother shooting him a smirk as you remind him of how surreal this night is about to get. “Exactly! Which is why I said don’t get weird.” He tells you with a loving smile as he hugs you. As your older brother wraps his slender arms around you, he gets oddly emotional.

“I love you Y/N, and I know how much this moment means to us both. Thank you for being there since the begging, and always in my corner.  I remember showing you your first Elvis film, and I remember when I first played “Let’s Have A Party” for you and you made me promise that when I got famous like him that I’d let you meet him, but I swear I don’t care how famous I get I’m not going to let you meet Lennon. He’d steal my sister.” He tells you causing your heart to warm as you squeeze him in the hug. “Vinny, I love you. You’re my hero. Now we better stop, or I’ll cry and be weird.” You tell him as you two release the hug. After taking a moment to take it all in, you two head into the huge building.

As you two go into the Hotel, you couldn’t help but think of how awesome the night was going to be when you saw Chevy Chase and Liza Manelli standing near the portly older man that was Elvis’s manager. Having spent time with your brother in his journey to fame you have met a lot of people. Yes, you’ve gotten star-struck before, you’ve also learned to hide it. Though while you already knew it, you really were going to have to use all your might not to gush tonight. As the group starts to walk to the elevator you take a small moment to fall a pace behind with Vinny to link pinkie and then touch your own nose with your pinky. A small ritual since childhood that’s become a slight comforting action. You two quickly join the elevator, and head to the penthouse suite with the group.

Once the door opened you could hear the faint sound of music and laughing come from another room from the huge, beautiful hotel room. Following Parker, you, and everyone else joined Elvis and his Memphis Mafia boys. While you held a small smile, you internally screamed as you saw the backside of The King in a jumpsuit. You also couldn’t help but notice his laugh was dreamier in real life than in movies or interviews. Thankfully you keep your composer when he turns around and introduces himself and everyone.

As the small get together gets going you start to relax. You start talking to Liza at first, finding out you two had a mutual love for shoes, you realize quickly that you can’t drink near Chevy, or you’ll die chocking on it from laughing, and You have a really interesting conversation about Johnny Cash and music with Billy Smith. Overall, the night was surreally amazing. Though you didn’t know how much better it was about to get when Elvis come’s and sit’s beside you. Especially, not knowing that your brother let it slip that you wanted to meet him. Which kind of intrigued Elvis, because you hadn’t interacted with him since he shook your hand when he was introducing himself. “Hey little darlin’, how are you tonight?” The handsome older gentlemen asks you, his deep southern drawl secretly melting you. “I’m doing pretty great, thank you for inviting us and letting us be here. “You tell him smiling at him. Unable to help the slight blush as the dark-haired beauty flashed you a smile.

“That’s good doll, and thank you all for coming up, Alice has got an interesting act. It’s also sweet that despite how wild it is he snuck his girl to meet me.” The older man tells you as he smiles at you, though he stops when you bust out laufhing. “No, No I’m sorry. I’m definitely not with Alice, and I’m his assistant.” You told Elvis with a smile trying to keep the charade. Though you realize that doesn’t exactly work when he calls you out on it. “Darlin’ you’re too young to be his assistant, but going by how you laughed I’ll believe you ain’t his girl.” He tells you as his curiosity gets peaked. “Who are you then?” He asks bluntly, though his drawl softened it. That or you were biased to it due to how it made you feel. “Promise not to tell? He’d have my hide,” You ask him sweetly smiling at him. You subconsciously bite your lip as he chuckles and nods. “I’m his little sister.” You tell the older man, seeing no real reason to lie to him. If they didn’t like it well I mean it’d suck but also at the very least you met him.

“Really?” Elvis asks, leaning back into his seat as you get comfortable. As you nod confirming, you tell him and you two begin to talk. Despite the age difference, you two quickly bond over music, also talk about some movies, and you two actually skim some talks about future hopes. Before you two now it, you two have talked the rest of the night away. Though before you leave, you end up with an invitation to lunch with Elvis at the same suite tomorrow when he found out you and your brother would be there for two more days. As you leave the hotel your brother tells you, “Listen what I’m about to say is only because I love ya, and he’s Elvis. Just be careful.” You give your brother a look you bite your lip and take in his words briefly. Though you, unknowingly falsely, assure him by saying, “I know, but also you know what I said after Corey. “ “Yeah, but never say never.” He tells you with a knowing look before you two head back to your hotel.

The next morning you woke up smiling, something that your brother couldn’t help but to tease you about before you started to get ready for your lunch with Elvis. As you walk into the international, you see one of Elvis’s friends, Billy, that you met last night. “Hey girly, EP sent me to get ya.” Billy tells you as you walk towards him. “Probably best, I don’t think there’d be a lunch if he came down.” You quip to the older man with a smile as you two head up to Elvis’s suite. As you two walk into the suite, you can’t help but wonder if there’s anything Elvis would look bad in when you see him in a black floral shirt and pants that looked tighter than your skirt. “Hey little darlin’ I hope you don’t mind I sent Billy down.” The older man greets you with a smile, bringing you into a friendly hug as you ignore the butterflies that try to stir. “I don’t mind at all, How’s your morning been?” You ask as you break apart and he leads you to living room. “Pretty good, but a whole lot better now I getta see your pretty face. How about you?” He flirts, his deep voice carrying the words so smoothly that you couldn’t help the faint blush that brushed your cheeks as you two sat down.

“Well, I’m glad that my presence can help improve your morning, I tend to have that effect. “You flirt back at Elvis, using every bit of confidence you had to make sure despite how you internally felt, you weren’t seen as that giggling schoolgirl. Whatever this was, all it could ever be was fun was what you told yourself as you watch something flash in his cerulean blue eyes before he smiles and chuckles. Though he quickly laughed when you quickly added. “ Though depending on who you ask I can bring trouble.” Leaning into the couch he puts his arm on the back as you relax. Surprisingly your conversation flows easily as you two continue to flirt and talk for a bit. After a while though he asks you, “Well I did invite you for lunch, I’ll be honest I don’t cook much would you be fine with room service? I don’t want to interrupt our time with crowds.” You smile at him sweetly and nod before telling him, “I’d be fine with room service; I totally understand in small way. While Alice doesn’t have your reaction, it’s still a bit weird sometimes when he does”.  “Yeah, I love my fans, but sometimes it’s exhausting playing Elvis.” He tells you honestly, making a part of your heart hurt for him. “I’d imagine so, while I’d say it’s euphorically surreal to be you, that also comes at a hefty price.” You comment as he hums and nods. Your conversation pauses while he orders you two some lunch, but it quickly picks back up while you two wait for your food.

As you two continued to talk and get to know each other, you think to yourself that you’ve honestly never met anyone like him. He was so charming, funny, kind, but also real. Something you’ve lacked since living in California. The food around and the conversation lulls some as you two take it to the table and sit, but it’s not long before it starts back up again. The whole time you two eat you shove the butterflies down and try not to think too much about how much of a good time you’re having. Shortly after you two finish eating you look at the time, and realize you’ve been there most of the day. Not wanting to overstay your welcome you tell Elvis, “Thank you for inviting me, and for lunch, but I’ve probably taken up enough of your time. Plus I should probably get back to the tour bus and help Shep wrangle Alice out of whatever trouble he’s gotten himself in today.” Flashing you a charming smile he smoothly tells you, “Little darlin’ you could take up all my time, and I think I’d still wanna spend more with ya.”  You feel your cheeks burn as you biting your lip as you watch him smirk. “Damn you’re smooth.” You comment causing him to through his head back as he laughed. “There’s a reason, besides my voice, they call me the king.” He cockily flirts causing you to giggle and shake your head as he adds, “I’d like it if you stuck around longer and maybe see my show tonight, but I also understand if you really do have to get back to your brother doll.” You have a small internal debate as Elvis watches you waiting for your answer. One hand you’d stay all day with him and see the show, but that also could lead to trouble. Biting your lip you compromise with yourself and ask the older man, “Well, I would like to spend more time with you, but I should go check in with my brother. Maybe if it’s alright I can go back to the tour bus and I can come back for your show?” Elvis smiles, but a small part of him wonders about your hesitation. Ignoring it he can’t help but think of how pretty your smile is as you nod.

“That sounds good to me Y/N. You alright with me having Billy get ya again when you come back?” He checks with a smile before asking, “Do you have an idea what time you’d be here? The show starts at 8. “. “That’s fine with me, and how about 7? “You ask as he nods, smiling back at him you stand up from the couch, him following suit. Elvis walked you to the door, and hugged you goodbye before you left the suite. As you happily made your way out of the International, a small part of you worried if your brother’s warning was warranted. Shaking your head, you assured yourself that this was just something fun as you left the hotel and headed back to your brother’s bus.

As you get back to the bus you see your brother sitting at the small table with Shep. “How’d lunch go?” He asks with a smile, pausing his talk with Shep. “It was good, I’m going back later to see his show.” You tell him as you grab a glass from the small kitchenette and start to get some water, not noticing the look that flashes in Vinny’s eyes. “That’s good, and really? That’ll be fun, just don’t have more fun than you have at mine.” He teases deciding not to comment, while you’re always going to be his little sister you were twenty now. You had to experience life without him trying to shield you, besides he already failed at shielding you with Corey. You scoff and shake your head before teasing your brother back, “You’re just saying that cause you know I will.” You smiled warmly when he laughed before going back to his conversation with his manager.

Thankfully the hours fly by and before you know it, it’s time to get ready. While looking through your suitcase, you tell yourself that the type of people at the show is why you’re pulling out the short blue dress that you had buried under all your clothes, the one of the only non-leather or denim item in your suitcase. Getting changed and doing your make-up, you leave the bus and excitedly head to the International again. You smile as you see Billy in the lobby. “EP’s in trouble if you’re gonna walk in lookin’ like that.” He jokes as you walk up to him causing you to laugh. “Yeah right, I’ll take the compliment, but I doubt it’ll phase him much.” You tell the older man with a smile as he shakes his head with an eye roll.  “Whatever doll, you ready to see EP?” He asks as he leads you down a hallway. “Of course, I wouldn’t come out in this dry heat for you.” You tease him with a smile as he laughs. “Are you this much of a little shit to EP, or am I just special?” He asks teasingly shoving you as you laugh. “I only save it for you and Alice, you should’ve never bonded over Johnny with me.” You tease as he continues to lead the way to Elvis’s dressing room.

As you finally reach the door, you smiled as you saw him in a white and jeweled jumpsuit. “Here’s your little wild child. “ Billy announces as you to enter, making you bite your lip at the look Elvis gives you when he turns around. You can’t ignore how your cheeks burn as he gaze wakes over you. “Woah little darlin’ you look amazing.” Elvis compliments you, his deep southern voice making your cheeks burn more as he comes over and hugs you. “Thank you, you don’t look too bad yourself sir.” You lamely flirt back, glad he chuckles at it, wishing your face wasn’t as red as it was. “Thank you doll, how’s your evening been?” He asks as he leads you to a couch in the room. “You wanna drink or anythin’ doll?” He offers as you sit. Shaking your head no you smile and answer, “No I’m good thank you though. It’s been alright just listened to him and Shep talk shop.” Putting his arm behind you he turns his body to face you as you two talk. Even though you two didn’t have too much time together before you had to go to your seat, it was just as fun as before leaving you feeling a bit weightless.

In your seat you people watch a bit before you hear the opening music. Excitedly you pull your eyes to the stage and you’re thankful that he can’t hear the gasp that comes from your lips as the curtains rise. As he begins the first note you become intoxicated by his command of the stage, hell of the whole room. With wide elated eyes you watch the whole show entranced. When it’s over Billy comes to take you backstage. As you walk through the door, you see Elvis with a towel around his neck as he gets him a drink. “That was an amazing show! Probably the best show I’ve ever seen.” You compliment the older man, causing him to turn around and smile at you. “It was a good show, I’m glad you liked it doll.” Elvis tells you with a small smile. “I loved it.” You tell him with a smile. Hanging in the dressing room for a bit you and Elvis talk before he invites you up to his room.

You follow him up, and despite what you first thought when he invited you up after the show, nothing sexual happens. You two end up literally spending the night talking and joking until the early hours of the morning, when Elvis gets a call from the Colonel because Vinny had Shep call him looking for you. “I know you said you got a few weeks left of touring with your brother, but here’s my room number. I’ll be here for atleast a month, and I’d really like to hear from you again Y/N. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, and I wanna know you more. “ Elvis tells you before you leave his room. Ignoring the butterflies and a small voice telling you don’t take it you’ll get hurt, you take the small slip of paper with a smile. “I’ve really liked getting to know you too Elvis, and I’ll give you a call.” You tell him before you leave.

When you get back to the bus, Vincent bitterly swallows the lecture he wanted to give when he saw your tired and happy smile. As he listens to you talk about the show and Elvis, he resists the urge to tell you again to be careful. Giving your brother a hug, you both go to bed and get ready to leave the bustling desert city tomorrow. It’s not till two days later that you let yourself call Elvis and end up starting a new daily routine. As the next three weeks fly by, and when you find yourself missing the older man or wanting to see him, that it doesn’t mean anything deep. You continue to lie to yourself, even when you call him on the last night of your brother’s tour.

You’re playing with the payphone’s cord as you tell him, “The crowd was so wild tonight, I can’t believe tour’s over. I know I’m just a tag-a-long, but I kind of like the traveling.” “That is probably one of the highlights of touring, getting to see all the different places and people. Though you really like all that travelin’ though doll?” Elvis asks you as a rash idea pops into his head. “Yeah I really do, I mean yeah it’s tough and it can be tiring hopping from one city to another, I really like knowing I’m going all around this country getting to have all kinds of experiences I’d never have if I never left Phoenix.” You tell him honestly as the cool night air breezes against you. “Well darlin I’m actually going to do a US tour after this Vegas stint ends in two weeks. Would you maybe wanna be my tag-a-long for it?” Continue to play with the cord you don’t acknowledge how happy the question made you. “Would you really want me to be a tag-a-long?” You ask him chewing on your lip. “I would want nothing more doll, so you gonna go on tour with me?” He asks you again. “Alright if you really want me to, I’d love to be your tag-a-long!” You tell him not able to help the smile that lights up your face.

“Great! It’ll be fun doll, plus it’ll be nice to finally see your face again.” He flirts with you after hearing your answer. You two continued to talk till Shep gave you the signal to get back on the bus. “I gotta go or they’re gonna leave me here Elvis, but I can’t wait to tour with ya. “ You tell him starting your goodbyes as you hear his deep chuckle on the line. “I can’t wait either darlin’.” He tells you before you continue your goodbye. “I’ll call you when I get back to California, and we’ll talk more about me joining you. “ You tell him before you hang up and quickly go back to the bus. You excitedly tell your brother the news of your new trip, and while he listens to you he can’t help but think that you’re gonna get hurt. Rather it be due to your own fault or by the iconic man that’s wormed his way into your life, Vincent doesn’t think there’s a way for this to end scrape free. Though he keeps it himself, well he tries to until it’s the night before you leave to meet Elvis in Vegas again.

You were staying over Vinny’s house, spending your last night in town with him. You were sitting on his apartment balcony smoking a joint when he came out with two glasses of whiskey. Peaking your interest as he hands you one, and while you exhale your smoke you take it. Though your curiosity raises when he asks you, “Can I talk to you sissy?” You put your joint out and nod as you take a drink. “Yeah, you know we always can, but I’m worried since you’re throwing out sissy. I haven’t heard that in a while. “ You answer him as you sense the mood turn a bit serious, which was rare for you two. “ It’s not really anything bad, it’s just I gotta get somethings off my mind before you go, I’m a bit worried about you going on this trip.” He admits to you causing you to take another drink of the amber liquid, letting it’s burn drown the small voice telling you that it’s right this trip will be trouble. “I know what you said after Corey, and I I get that. I really do, but also I’ve seen you since you’ve met Elvis. I haven’t seen you smile as much as you have in a while. I’m not complaining about that, but I’m worried about the reason for those smiles.” He tells you as he begins his speech, taking a moment to pause for a drink before continuing, “Either you’re gonna hurt yourself cause you won’t admit something’s there and miss it, or he’s really just taking it as it is and you do finally admit and he hurts you are the two scenarios running in my mind. Though I honestly believe it’s the first if I’m honest with you.”

“I can’t let myself fall in love again, not after Corey Vinny. I can’t let myself get that deep again.” You tell him honestly as you take another drink, looking away from the sadden look that flashes in his eyes. “I can’t let myself fall in love again and give someone that power over me. “You tell him as you look into your glass. “Whatever you and Corey had at the end wasn’t love Y/N. Yes, you two may have been in love at one time, but love doesn’t hurt like that. Love also doesn’t always turn into that; you can let yourself have it and it be good.” Your brother tells you softly, before biting his lip when you bring your head up to show watery eyes. “How do I trust that it won’t? How can I risk it?” You ask him softly, feeling like a small child again as you look up at Vinny.

Placing his drink down he kneels and pulls you into a weird side hug. “You just risk it, you do so much crazy shit all the time and take those risks. You just jump in.” He tells you as he comforts you. You two stay like that for a moment, before you break apart. Lighting your joint again you break the serious mood. “I don’t want are last hours to be some weird emotional shit. That ain’t us.” You tell him as you pass it to him, causing him to laugh and take a hit. You smoke with your brother and talk and joke before you two finally make your way inside his apartment. Going into the familiar guestroom you go to sleep excited and nervous for the next day. It hadn’t seemed like you were asleep long before your brother was waking you up to take you to the airport. Excitement buzzing within you and temporarily stomping out any nerves, you get up and quickly get ready.  You say your goodbye to Vinny outside the airport, promising to call each night before going in.

The few hours it takes to land in Vegas thankfully fly by. While you walk through the airport with your luggage you excitedly look for Billy. As you walk around the baggage claim you thankfully find him. “There’s my favorite little shit! How’ve you been?” He asks giving you a brief hug before taking one of your bags. “I’m good! How’s my favorite asshole?” You teasingly ask as he leads you out of the airport. “Good, good, and alright except EP keeps driving us crazy about you comin.” He teases as he leads you towards a black car, you see a silhouette of someone and chalk it up to being another Memphis boy. “Sure sure. He doesn’t know what he signed up for. “ You tease with the man that’s become your only friend outside of Elvis in this circle. He rolls your eyes and goes to the trunk. As your helping him put your luggage up you finally notice who’s in the car. You can’t help the smile when you see Elvis wearing his sunglasses wearing a red shirt and pinstripe pants, waving at you in the back seat.

Excitedly you leave you stop helping Billy and get into the car as you hear him laugh. “Elvis!” You excitedly say as you hug his chuckling form in the seat. You ignore the fuzzy feeling you get as you feel his arms wrap around you. “Hey darlin’! I’ve missed you too.” He tells you smiling as you blush realizing your reaction. “Yeah sorry I guess I just missed seeing ya.” You bashfully say as he brushes a piece of you hair behind your ear. “S’alright darlin’, as I said I missed you too. How was your flight?” He asks sweetly as you relax in the car seat next to him, starting to realize how much you’ve really missed him. “It was good, are you excited for tour?” You ask while answering him, faintly hearing Billy close the trunk before he gets in the front. “I am, though I’m more excited to spend the next few weeks with you.” He honestly flirts as Billy starts to drive.

As you two catch up and flirt you begin the probably the wildest journey you’ve ever been on. Your day with Elvis at the international is the calm before the storm. The next day you adventure begins as you, Elvis, and his crew get on the tour buses and get ready. As the days and miles pass you get closer and closer to Elvis. Though a little over a week into tour, you should’ve realized you were in deep when you and him finally kissed in the late hours of the night on the tour bus. From that moment touches get more frequent and so do kisses, it’s not too much longer that those become heated. Every time you hugged, kissed, even fucked, you told yourself you two were just having fun. Leaving the older man confused but hooked. Though it all comes to a head shortly after the tour’s over.

It's the day after you two arrived at Graceland, and your naked body is sprawled over his as you two calm down from your highs. You lay your head against his chest and listen to his heartbeat as he rubs a hand up and down your back. You’re both quietly winding down before he asks, “What are we doin’ Y/N?” You keep you cheek pressed against his chest and look at the wall as you answer, “Laying here, unless that’s your way of asking for round two.” Purposefully avoiding the question, you knew he was really asking. “You know that’s not what I meant little girl.” He tells you with a scoff as you bite your lip. “I gotta know something darlin’. I can’t handle being left hangin’, wonderin.” He tells you firmly but gently as he takes his other hand to make you face him as you stay silent. “Please give me somethin’.” He tenderly pleads as you pause, feeling like his eyes were staring into your soul. “Please, I don’t want to lie to you Elvis. But I I can’t say it out loud and admit it. I’m scared of fallin’ in love again.” You tell him honestly, being the most vulnerable with the older man than you ever had been after a pause.

Your brothers words coming back into your mind and help fueling your honest confession as you bite your lip and watch his reaction. To your shock you see tenderness. “Oh baby, it’s always a bit of a terrifying rush but especially after you feel heartbreak. I’m worried about it too after what happened with Priscilla and I.” Elvis honestly tells you as his cerulean blue eyes gaze into Y/E/C eyes. “Yeah but what happened between you two’s a lot different than what happened between me and Corey. I know I don’t have to worry about you turning out like him, but it still scares me to fall back into love and let someone have that control over me. I lost myself after I left Corey.” You open up to him biting you lip as you start to absent-mindedly tracing on his chest. Deciding despite your heart hammering out of your chest, that you would listen to Vinny’s words and let yourself be honest with the man you’ve grown to love.

“If if I tell you the whole thing, do you promise not to look at me differently?” You ask confusing Elvis as he nods. “Course darlin’ I don’t think anything could change the way I see you.” He tells you softly, his plump lips pulling down some at how small you looked. “Vinny sees me differently. He won’t admit it but I know with how he treats me now. So please, please promise me you won’t too.” You plead looking into his eyes as you swallow another lump. “I promise Y/N.” He tells you tenderly as he waits for you to talk. You close your eyes and take a deep breath before opening you eyes back up to see Elvis’s worried look.

“I met Corey when I was a freshman in high school, he was a senior and I thought he hung the moon and the stars. I thought he was as cool as James Dean and as sweet as honey. He was at first.” You begin to tell Elvis, quickly averting your eyes to his chest as you continue on, “Everything was picture perfect for three years. I thought I was gonna marry him when I finished high school. Then something changed when I started my junior year.” You blink back the tears welling up and swallow a lump as you feel his warm hand start to rub circles on your back. “Darlin’ you don’t hav-“ Elvis goes to tell you as you pause before you thickly interrupt him, “No. No I gotta tell you Elvis. If I’m gonna finally admit my feelings and take that risk, you gotta know how fucked up I am.”  While you feel Elvis hug you into his chest , you don’t see the heart-breaking look that flashed across his eyes at your interruption.

“At first it was just comments and critiques. I was so in love with him that I believed every word he said about me. Then I couldn’t please him, so I started getting small punishments for my mistakes.  Still I fucking believed that he loved me, and that he was right. That I deserved every mark and ache. That if I was better that I could be enough.” You continue after your interruption, unable to start the tears from falling down your cheeks as you started to let it out. You hadn’t ever spoke about Corey to anyone besides Vinny, Shep, and Sheryl.

“Then when I started to finally smarten the fuck up, and realize that whatever we had then wasn’t love, I was fucking stuck. I was cut off from everyone, and sickly enough he was all I had. Vinny was in California, Mom and Dad couldn’t give a shit as long as I kept their godly image up. “ You continue to spew your soul, Elvis holding you the whole time his heart breaks for you. “Well I had finally gotten enough gumption to stand up to him, and he blew a fuse. The next thing I know is I’m waking up in the hospital and Vinny’s in the room crying. I know I don’t ever have to worry about that with you, but I just worry that if I let myself fall in love again it’ll just spoil and rotten.” You finally finish, unable to hold back your emotions. You bite your lip as you feel him gently cup you face to make you look at him, and the tender gaze he gives you make more tears appear. “Oh y/n darlin’ , I’m so sorry you went through that.” He tells you gently as he wipes your tears. “ First of all though, you’re not fucked up. If there’s anyone in that situation fucked up it’s that Corey bastard. “ Elvis tells you firmly but tenderly as he comforts you. “Though I honestly do get the fear part. I’m worried I’ll just run you off like I did Priscilla. “ He confesses to you as you sniffle, trying to stop your tears.

“Though while I can’t promise I won’t be a right ass at times, that it won’t be hard, I can promise that I’ll love you every day you let me.” He simply but honestly promises, his blue eyes staring into yours. You watch him chew on his bottom lip for a moment before asking,” I’m gonna ask again darlin’ and no matter the answer I’ll accept it and still want ya in my life. What are we doin’ Y/N?” Your heart hammers in your chest, and your flight response still screams to run despite you barring your soul to him. Swallowing a lump and honestly answer, your voice slightly raspy from crying, “I love you Elvis, I really do. I wanna try being in a relationship with you.” You watch as his face lights up and for once you don’t ignore the butterflies as he leans down and gives you a soft slow kiss. Pouring all his emotions into it as he presses his plush lips into yours. “I won’t be easy to be with.” You smally admit after you break apart, not helping the small smile as he chuckle, the sound vibrating his chest under you.

“That’s fine mama, I’m not easy to be with either.” Elvis tells you swipping his thumb across your cheek. “I love you Y/N,” He tells you sweetly causing your chest to warm. “Will you say it again?” You sweetly ask after a moment, looking up at him with doe eyes. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” He tells you happily as he rolls you over, making you giggle as you feel his lips lightly trace your neck. “I love you.” He tells you again breathlessly as he stares down at you, As you reach up and place a hand on his cheek you tell him. “I love you Elvis Presley.” Embracing the butterflies as his smile lights his face up before you softly lean up and kiss him. You two happily but tiredly cuddling and basking in the moment. As you fell asleep you knew that this feeling, that Elvis, was worth the risk and while you didn’t know what was going to happen next, you knew you could face it all with the man next to you.

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

Care to share the John struggling with sexuality findings… feel as if it would nice to learn

Wow this is a HUGE question. I'll try to gather some evidence (I was actually doing a Notion doc on this as a sideproject lmao but it's nowhere near finished)

This is definitely not a complete list (and most of this will be old news to people who've been on here for a while), but it's quite extensive and hopefully helpful to someone who's just starting to research this, I'd say. Also feel free to come back and ask, if you have more specific questions about this once you read this!

Also, when I was almost finished with this post, tumblr froze on me and I hadn't saved the post as a draft and the text couldn't be copy-pasted anymore. I freaked out since this took me hours, but was able to salvage the raw, unformatted, paragraphless text by getting it from the page inspection thingy (pro-tip!). So, I had to reformat everything and add the sources back in (but least the sources on the frozen page were still clickable so I didn't have to go hunting for them again, just had to recopy the links over).

Point is, there might be mistakes in here because of that :(

April 1963 Trip to Barcelona with Brian Epstein:

(here's some background info on the trip if you're not in the know.)

• Pete Shotton, John's childhood friend's account of a conversation with John shortly after the trip (from the book John Lennon: In My Life)

I visited John at Aunt Mimi’s a few days after his return to England. And when he started in about how much he had enjoyed Spain, I could hardly resist taking the piss out of him. “So you had a good time with Brian, then?” I smirked. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

I was somewhat taken aback when John didn’t so much as crack a smile. “Oh, fuckin’ hell,” he groaned. “Not you as well, Pete!”

“What do you mean, not me as well?”

“They’re all fucking going on about it.”

“It’s OK, John. Don’t take it so serious. I’m just joking, for Christ’s sake.”

“Actually Pete,” he said softly, “Something did happen with him one night.”

Now that wiped the grin right off my face. Had I even dreamed there might be any truth whatsoever to the rumors, I would never have made light of the subject in the first place. Still – as John surely knew – I would have stood by him, and let the rest of the world handle the business of passing moral judgement, even if he had just told me he’d committed murder. And John would surely have done the same for me.

Which, after all, is what true friendship is all about.

“What happened,” John explained, “is that Eppy just kept on and on at me. Until one night I finally just pulled me trousers down and said to him: ‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, Brian, just stick it up me fucking arse then.’

“And he said to me, ‘Actually, John, I don’t do that kind of thing. That’s not what I like to do.’

“‘Well,’ I said, ‘what is it you like to do, then?’

“And he said, ‘I’d really just like to touch you, John.’

“And so I let him toss me off.”

And that was that. End of story.

“That’s all, John” I said. “Well, so what? What’s the big fucking deal, then?”

“Yeah, so fucking what! The poor bastard. He’s having a fucking hard enough time anyway.” This was in reference to the “butch” dockers who, on several recent occasions, had rewarded Brian’s advances by beating him to a bloody pulp.

“So what harm did it do, then, Pete, for fuck’s sake?” John asked rhetorically. “No harm at all. The poor fucking bastard, he can’t help the way he is.”

Comment: Pretty eyebrow-raising to offer yourself up like that if you don't on some level desire it, but at the same time this plus John's violent reaction to Bob Wooler insinuating something happened weeks later to me indicates he was not feeling very secure and normal about what had happened.

• John himself on the trip (from his 1980 Playboy interview)

I went on holiday to Spain with Brian... which started all the rumors that he and I were having a love affair. Well, it was almost a love affair, but not quite. It was never consummated. But we did have a pretty intense relationship. And it was my first experience with someone I knew was a homosexual. He admitted it to me. We had this holiday together because Cyn was pregnant and we left her with the baby and went to Spain. Lots of funny stories, you know. We used to sit in cafs and Brian would look at all the boys and I would ask, 'Do you like that one? Do you like this one?' It was just the combination of our closeness and the trip that started the rumors.

Comment: "Never consummated" might be consistent with Pete's account if to John "consummation" entailed some form of penetration. It's left to the imagination what John might've meant by "almost a love affair". Also, his interest in how Brian experiences his own sexual orientation is of note, regardless of the extent to which something between him and Brian happened, I'd say.

• John on the trip (from his 1970 Lennon Remembers interview)

Q: Let me ask you about something else that was in the Hunter Davies book. At one point it said you and Brian Epstein went off to Spain.

A: Yes. We didn’t have an affair though. Fuck knows what was said. I was pretty close to Brian. If somebody is going to manage me, I want to know them inside out.

Comment: This is kind of weird to me, because Brian had been signed on as his manager for over a year by April 1963. John wanting to "know him" seems a bit late by this point. He might not be lying though and just genuinely have confused some memories.

• John on attacking Bob Wooler at Paul's 21st birthday party (Interview with Andy Peebles, 1980. I can't for the life of me find a full transcript of this but here's a post transcribing this bit and the audio is on Youtube, I haven't double-checked the transcription though)

The Beatles’ first national coverage was me beating up Bob Wooler at Paul’s 21st party because he intimated I was homosexual. I must have had a fear that maybe I was homosexual to attack him like that and it’s very complicated reasoning. But I was very drunk and I hit him and I could have really killed somebody then. And that scared me…

Comment: John is directly expressing that he once doubted his own sexuality. Obviously, this does also slightly read like a denial, in that his use of "must have had a fear" sounds, grammatically, like that fear was perhaps unfounded.

At the same time, can you blame him for backing out of admitting to this, if that's what's going on? I also sort of personally doubt he ever got to a point in his life where he was actually fully comfortable with his attraction to men, and even went through phases where he actively repressed/denied it.

• John on attacking Bob (1971 interview with Peter McCabe & Robert D. Schonfeld)

I remember it, vaguely. I was out of me mind with drink – when you get down to the point where you drink all the empty glasses, that drunk. And he was saying, “Well, come on, John, tell us,” something like that, “Tell me about you and Brian, we all know,” like that. And obviously, I must have been un– uh, f– frightened of the fag in me to get so angry at that. You know, when you’re twenty-one, you want to be a man, and all that.

Comment: The same as above, essentially

John and Paul (+ Yoko's suspicions):

• John on his expectations from a romantic/creative partner (1972 Interview with Sandra Shevey)

It’s a plus, it’s not a minus. The plus is that your best friend, also, can hold you without… I mean, I’m not a homosexual, or we could have had a homosexual relationship and maybe that would have satisfied it, with working with other male artists. [faltering] An artist – it’s more – it’s much better to be working with another artist of the same energy, and that’s why there’s always been Beatles or Marx Brothers or men, together. Because it’s alright for them to work together or whatever it is. It’s the same except that we sleep together, you know? I mean, not counting love and all the things on the side, just as a working relationship with her, it has all the benefits of working with another male artist and all the joint inspiration, and then we can hold hands too, right?

Comment: Even in a quote technically denying being attracted to men he seems to express a wish for having such a relationship. The last statement kind of feels like at least some part of him wants to hold hands with the men he's worked with.

• John (+ Yoko), when asked about how people perceive his relationship with Yoko, bringing up Paul (Interview with David Scheff 1980; this didn't get printed by Playboy)

JOHN: Well, that’s rubbish, you know. Because nobody controls me. I’m uncontrollable. The only one that can control me is me, and that’s just barely possible. [Yoko laughs] But that’s what life is about. And that’s the lesson I’m learning. Because – nobody ever said anything about Paul having a spell over me, when I was with him for a long time. Or me having a spell over Paul. They didn’t think that was abnormal, two guys together.

YOKO: They might have. [laughs]

JOHN: Or four guys together. In those days? Why didn’t anybody ever say, “How come those guys don’t split up? I mean, what’s going on backstage? I mean, what is that Paul and John business? Why – you know, how can they be together so long?”

Comment: John clearly sees a parallel between JohnandPaul and JohnandYoko (where few saw it) and uses it to demonstrate a hypocrisy he perceives. However, when claiming no one found his and Paul's relationship oddly close, Yoko calls this into question; she appears to disagree with John's assessment that what he and Paul had was "normal". Also, John correcting from it being about two people to about four, only for him to return right back to just him and Paul is of note to me.

• John, on how he feels about his relationship and partnership with Yoko (December 1970, Rolling Stone)

It’s just handy to fuck your best friend. That’s what it is. And once I resolved the fact that it was a woman as well, it’s all right. We go through the trauma of life and death every day so it’s not so much of a worry about what sex we are anymore.

Comment: Just pretty interesting, considering how often he compared Yoko directly to Paul and made allusions to replacing him with her. Also, his comment on having to resolve the fact she was a woman is odd (but he very well might be talking about the role of a "best friend" and deconstructing some type of misogyny that stopped him from opening up to women). John generally had an interesting perspective on the roles of being a friend, a sexual partner, a creative partner and how those intersect.

• John to Paul reflecting on the songs they've been writing for the Get Back sessions (Get Back sessions, January 24th, here's the audio, I don't have a link to the video. It's in episode 2 or 3 of Get Back though)

PAUL: It’s like, uh, “We have to get back.” “We’re on our way home.”

JOHN: Yeah.

PAUL: There’s a story. There’s another one – ‘Don’t Let Me Down’. “Oh darling, I’ll never let you down.” Like we’re doing—

JOHN: Yeah. It’s like you and me are lovers.

PAUL: [reserved] Yeah. [pause]

JOHN: We’ll just have to camp it up for those two.

PAUL: Yeah. Well, I’ll be wearing my skirt for the show, anyway.

Comment: Paul not flatout laughing at the comment kind of makes it seem like the vibe John was giving off here wasn't a joke (Paul knowing him well, would probably have a better feel for this than we do). But I will say that Paul during this period generally seems to have had trouble reading John and his emotions.

• Yoko on John and Paul (from the book John Lennon: The Life by Philip Norman, which Yoko later revoked her endorsement from)

From chance remarks he had made, she [Yoko] gathered there had even been a moment when—on the principle that bohemians should try everything—he had contemplated an affair with Paul, but had been deterred by Paul’s immovable heterosexuality. Nor, apparently, was Yoko the only one to have picked up on this. Around Apple, in her hearing, Paul would sometimes be called John’s Princess. She had also once heard a rehearsal tape with John’s voice calling out “Paul … Paul …” in a strangely subservient, pleading way. “I knew there was something going on there,” she remembers. “From his point of view, not from Paul’s. And he was so angry at Paul, I couldn’t help wondering what it was really about.”

Comment: I've already talked about how problematic and ambiguous this passage is but the basic gist of it is quite clear: Yoko felt justified in suspecting John had sexual feelings for Paul. She had reason to believe she wasn't the only one suspecting this.

Misc. other things John (allegedly) said on this topic:

• Yoko on her and John discussing the terms of an open marriage in 1973 (John Lennon: The Life)

There was even some discussion, albeit not very serious, of whether he should stick to his own gender. “John said ‘It would hurt you like crazy if I made it with a girl. With a guy, maybe you wouldn’t be hurt, because that’s not competition. But I can’t make it with a guy because I love women too much, and I’d have to fall in love with the guy and I don’t think I can.’”

Comment: It's odd of John to suggest going out with a man if he doesn't actually want to, isn't it? We're also missing any hint of how Yoko reacted to the suggestion so this passage is eyebrow-raising to say the least. Especially given that Yoko appears to have had suspicions about John and Paul. It's not unreasonable to assume he backed out the moment Yoko showed some resistance towards the idea.

• John mixing up pronouns when reflecting on his partnership with Yoko (1971 Peter McCabe/Robert D. Schonfeld)

And it was like finding gold or something. To find somebody that you can go and get pissed with, and have exactly the same relationship as any mate in Liverpool you’d ever had, but also you could go to bed with him, and – it could stroke your head when you felt tired, or sick, or depressed. It could also be Mother. And obviously, that’s what the male-female – you know, you could take those roles with each other. And if the intellect’s there, [and] you know, compatible, well it’s just like – we’re in the pools.

Comment: I don't usually like to put too much weight on misspeaking because I think it happens without much reason most of the time. However, John saying "him" and then switching to "it", and not bothering to explicitly correct himself is interesting. He also barely falters, doesn't laugh about the mistake. It doesn't appear to be a normal instance of misspeaking to me because of this.

• John talking about what he aspired to be as a teen (I'm not actually sure what interview this clip originates from but it appears to be from 1975)

I was thinking, if only I could get out of Liverpool, be famous and rich, that would be great. I’ve always wanted to be a famous artist, you know? Possibly I’d have to marry a very rich old lady… or man, you know… to… to look after me while I did my art. But then Rock & Roll came and I thought ‘Ah, this is the one’, so I didn’t have to marry anybody or live with them, you know?

Comment: John openly suggesting he wanted to marry a man at some point.

• John in an interview during the "Lost Weekend" on all the press coverage his split from Yoko was getting at the time. (December 1975 interview with Lisa Robinson)

Yes, all your best friends let you know what's going on. I was trying to put it 'round that I was gay, you know– I thought that would throw them off... dancing at all the gay clubs in Los Angeles, flirting with the boys... but it never got off the ground.

Comment: Here, he is openly admitting to wanting people to think he is gay. It does seem to be quite a jokey tone though. Still, not the most common joke for straight people to make.

• John, interviewing himself, bringing up bisexuality (Andy Warhol's magazine, 1974)

Q. I’m sorry. Just a few more questions MR. LENNON, I’m sure you understand I have a deadline… my editor… etc..

A. Alright then, GET ON WITH IT!

Q. Have you ever fucked a guy?

A. Not yet, I thought I’d save it til I was 40, life begins at 40 you know, tho I never noticed it.

Q. It is trendy to be bisexual and you’re usually 'keeping up with the Jones’, haven’t you ever… there was talk about you and PAUL…

A. Oh, I thought it was about me and Brian Epstein… anyway I’m saving all the juice for my own version of THE REAL FAB FOUR BEATLES STORY etc.. etc..

Q. It seems like you’re saving quite a lot for when you’re 40..

Comment: Honestly, the awareness of bisexuality currently being trendy and bringing it up is extremely interesting to me, as someone who has accused myself of faking my own sexuality for attention. It makes it seem like this is not something he took lightly, even if he is joking about it here.

There's also something on Tony Manero who openly claimed John came onto him multiple times and called him bisexual but I've heard that people have had trouble confirming he's a real person I think (?), so I didn't include it. You can read his account here though.

As I've said, this list isn't comprehensive, there's a few more anecdotes that I've either seen people mention but haven't come across the original source yet or stuff other people see as compelling evidence that I don't agree is relevant. Also, of course, I might have forgotten some things.

Here's some other places you can check out, off the top of my head:

My John speculation tag

My John-Paul speculation tag

My John-Brian tag

@thecoleopterawithana's "I'm not a homosexual" tag

@amoralto's oh john and awkward best friend talk placeholder tags