#so many changes are gonna be made cause I literally had to revise the ages and stuff for this | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

remcycl333 · 2 years ago

Note

Void/LOA success by 💇‍♀️anon

This post is gonna be a bit lengthy , blunt and unbelievable 😭 also very sloppily written cause i’m havijh so much fun. i really have got out of my comfort zone and I’m so happy i did. No you do not have to follow every step I did! This is simply for motives and inspo.

So, yeah it's obvious i was one who struggled with void and loa blah blah blah for a LONG TIME! I was a hardcore druggie, physical and mentally abused all my life, had a very rare illness and so much more. But who gaf ab the old story. ☠️

So after a day of sending that cringe ass message to u i ended up prioritizing myself. It’s clear I was idolizing void and I’ve been doubting in LOA too like ??? So in the 3D i moved in with my one and only friend, got a job at a fastfood place (pls this is sorta embarrassing), and decided homeschool was much better for me. Also between that time I learned how to correctly manifest and shiz by you and @theandreiaeffect<3. And girlllll literally less than the next week I manifested perfect mental and physical health, my dream job, desired appearance, and 7,000,000$ with a 15,000,000$ home me and my bestie now live in. I was already so happy how it was. Yet after that crazy ass week passed by i woke up in the fucking void. I have no clue how but i did.

Now for what I manifested in void.

- ‘i heard a rumor’ power - a power of this girl from a netflix show. basically you say ‘i heard a rumor ____’ and it happens. its like a brainwash power? its simple to explain but idk. (If u watch that show my fav character is klaus whats urs?)

- Time travel(?) - so when i got in void it was prolly like september 11th 2022. i just said in the void ‘it is August 30th’ and when i woke up it was august 30th as you can tell so now I’m just relapsing my days but in a goodway.

- changed family - my bestie is like family and i changed her appearance to her desired appearance, more cousins, siblings, aunts etc. my dad being a famous nfl star.

- Revenge - basically just fucking with my abusers life the same way they fucked with mine. I have no regrets so🤷‍♀️

- Name and age revision - I always hated my full name so i changed it. I was 17 and just revised that i’m 21. yeah it was a big gap but idc it was worth it for me honestly. i also manifested i’m not gonna die till like 90 and age like wine so.

- a bf- oh let me tell u. i’ve always had a crush on ralph macchio. and now i have a boyfriend who is his twin but even more attractive. his personality and the way he showers me with love is mwah.

- Removing phobias - i’ve always been scared of animals🤦‍♀️ not anymore tho now i have 2 cute lil puppies and a parrot:)

- Vegan restaurants and shops opening up close to me - I’ve been vegan since the beginning of the year due to animal cruelty and just not enjoying meat.

- Immune from getting preggo til 25 - its self explanatory what i be doing but i’m not ready for a baby yet so🤫

- Being protected and safe 24/7 - anyone around me also is aswell its like a invisible barrier to danger

Now those are just a handful of what I manifested. I literally manifested sooooo many other priv things. Just get ur shit together. I have nothing else to tell u. Honestly idk how LOA coaches don’t get fed up with y’all constantly crying ab how u dont got ur shit when u are the reason why. U have a cheatcode to life. Not many people are spiritually awoken. Do you know how fortunate you are to have discover LOA???? Keep this in mind and maybe ya know manifest ur dream life. To Rem, I thought I’d be on tumblr way longer as your anon, but I’d rather go live my life to the fullest for a while. I hope my story leaves an imprint on the LOA community. Andreia, you have also really inspired me. I’m so fucking happy I made a whole 180 with my life. Rem and Andreia, i will NEVER forget what you have done for me. Thank you so much really. I love u guys so much🥲🥲

yesss im so proud of u!!! when u said u traveled back in time from september i got the chills! and baby go live your life and enjoy it, you deserve it!!! come back whenever u want and update us <3

#void success stories #💇‍♀️ anon

857 notes · View notes

jenosweave · 6 years ago

Text

college!kun

FINALLY A KUN REQUEST!! this is one of my favorites please enjoy and don’t let me flop!!

let’s start w the basics…

major: linguistics

minor: comparative literature

extracurriculars: book club

other: literally writing his own novel??

school life

kun is such a good student

he always does his work on time and tries to get ahead when he can

he’s a plug too

he'll even do his friends’ readings and summarize it for them if they have a particularly busy week

he doesn’t allow himself to be used though

he just loves and appreciates his friends so much and wants to help them be successful when there are things they cant control that can get in the way of that

kun really enjoys his studies

his required courses are really stimulating and keep him on his toes

he loves leaving class every day feeling like he’s one step closer to understanding where language comes from and why we communicate the way we do

kun’s passion for linguistics sprouted from his adoration of reading

he’s a member of every book he could find on campus

he firmly believes the more you read, the more perspectives you’re able to see, which in turn, makes you a generally more enlightened and compassionate person

kun loves reading and language so much that he decided to just write his own book over the summer for fun

he sent a “very rough draft” to a local publisher

just for experience

and to get him used to rejection in case he ever wants to seriously pursue a career in writing someday

but now he’s fucked because

they actually liked it??? so he kind of has a book deal now??

which he was not expecting at all

there were a lot of comments for him to address as he expected

and the first one he decided to deal with was the lack of a love interest for his protagonist

except there’s only one problem with that

he has no idea how to successfully write for a love interest

so he does what any normal young writer would do to get inspiration

and goes to the university’s monthly speed dating event in the quad

early stages

you had been “too single for too long,” according to your best friend

and the only way you could get them to shut up about it was if you attended one of the school’s speed dating nights

and you decided it was worth the trouble, and made your way to the quad to get this over with

you had exactly two and a half minutes with every person you’d “date”

and for the most part, those two and a half minutes couldn’t go by fast enough

after talking to other students who only cared about football, trucks, and battlestar galactica, you were about ready to up and go

but your second to last “date” changed your mind

his name was kun

“alright this is gonna go by quick, so i’m gonna take the reigns if you don’t mind,” he spoke

he was oddly productive

you nodded

“great!’ he smiled. “any hobbies?”

“well, i love to read an-”

“reading? me too! what genres are you into?”

a wide smile stretched across his smooth face and his pupils dilated noticeably UGH CUTIE

“i mean, i like fantasy, historical fiction, biographies, science fi-”

“no way! me too!” he interrupts. “i just like all books so much!! i’m writing my own actually!”

you thought that was mighty impressive and asked him what his book is about

and he told you he can’t disclose that information because of his publishing deal

and youre like,,,, wA i T.. PUBLISHER?? THAT’S SO COOL!!

and he goes, “thank you! maybe you’d like to come and read it sometime when it’s finished.”

you couldn’t help but blush and turn your head away

and that’s when you noticed you only had ten seconds left on the stopwatch

you hurriedly seized the pen the event organizers had left on the desk and grabbed kun by the wrist, taking him by surprise and causing a slight gasp to escape his lips

you messily scribbled your number onto his forearm

and as soon as you had finished writing your digits, the timer rang

as you both departed from the table, kun shouted at you from a distance “how am i supposed to read this chicken scratch?!”

you shot him a smile playfully and shouted back

“text me!”

you didn’t receive a text that night

or the night after

but the night after that, your phone dinged as soon as you hopped out of the shower

“hey! this is kun from the speed dating thing. i hope this is the right number. i’ve already texted three wrong people and have had to explain myself to each of them. it’s really embarrassing. please confirm if this is you!”

you sent him a simple “:)” in response

“so does that mean you’re down to get a coffee with me tomorrow?”

“:)”

the next morning, you had the first of many, many morning coffee breaks outside the school library

these quick little meetups usually concluded with a quick sift through the library, where you’d each recommend each other your favorite books and read the prologues to each other over a hot cup of coffee

at first, the librarians used to kick you out for having drinks inside, but now youre clever and just hide your cups under your jackets

this became a weekly occurrence

and then it started happening twice a week

and now you basically see kun every other day

he even managed to get you to join the biographical book club with him, something you’d be way too nervous to do before meeting him

kun was such a good guy

you knew he was smart and funny and you knew he was caring and fun to be around

but what you didn’t know is that he had been smitten with you from the second you scribbled your number onto his arm

one day, as you were studying for your last final of the semester, you got a call from kun

you sent him the automated response, “sorry, i cant talk right now”

but he called right back anyway

“what is it?” you answered

“i’m sorry if you’re studying but this is super important and im so excited and i just have to tell someone!”

“what’s up kun?”

“my book! it’s finished! and i finally added in the love interest like the publishers asked!”

“I’M SO PROUD OF YOU BITCH

“finish studying! then we can facetime and i can read you a chapter!”

and so for the next thirty nights (even over your winter break), you and kun would facetime so he could read you a chapter until the book was finished

and you’d give him pointers at the end of each one so he could go back and revise once you had gone to sleep

the plot was incredible, honestly

the protagonist was a divorced middle-aged man whose wife left him for being too aggressive and absent-minded all the time

in the divorce, the wife got full custody of their teenage son

but when she goes on a business trip, the protagonist gets to watch the son

however, when he goes to pick the son up to take him to his house, hes nowhere to be found

so the novel follows this poor guy trying to find his missing son

but no one seems to be listening to him, so hes losing his mind

he’s working alongside the police and falls for the dci leading the investigation

and basically in the end it turns out he’s schizophrenic and his wife and son never existed at all

all of this was in his imagination

and he had just been showing up to the police station every day like a crazy person

kun did so much research for that

he even got the accuracy of his portrayal of a schizophrenic checked by his pal psych major!jungwoo

on the night kun finally finished reading to you

you were sh0000000000000k like what the fuck all that trouble for it all to be fake?? genius kun!!

so he asked for your feedback on the development and personalities of all his characters

you complimented him on how well he portrayed the dci

they weren’t your typical love interest

they were headstrong and witty and educated

and they were determined to help the protagonist find his son when no one else was listening to him

“you like them?” he asked you

“yes! they were so different than i had expe-”

“i was hoping you’d like them. i was inspired by you.”

your heart BURST!!!

“KUN THAT’S SO SWEET!”

and that’s when he explained to you why he went to speed dating to begin with, and told you he was so glad to have met you

because you were the “perfect muse”

and then he asked if you’d like to be his s/o

and of course

you said yes bc duh?? he’s kun??

relationship

kun is the cutest bf ever!!!

nothing has really changed between you two

you still have library and car dates

but now you hold hands sometimes

and when kun is feeling extra bold, he gives you a peck on the cheek

you guys have such a cute and innocent relationship

you can often be seen together on the campus quad where you met for the first time, you in kuns arms, him tickling your stomach to make you giggle

he’s so sweet and is so considerate of your needs

out of all the boys, he’s hands down the one most likely to change for you if you guys hit a rough patch

he always pays for food

which kind of ticks you off because what if one day he goes broke

but all he really cares about is your happiness and satisfaction

and he really just wants you to know that no one loves you quite like he does

and he tells you every day how grateful he is to have you in his life

117 notes · View notes

forthemultiverse · 6 years ago

Text

See Me, Hear Me (love me) - Bruce Wayne x Reader

Anon: It's a Soulmate AU where once you see or hear your soulmate (even at a distance) you can hear their thoughts from there on. My idea is that Bruce is on patrol and saves his soulmate without realising it. His soulmate is continuously confused at the different thoughts until she figures out Bruce is Batman and confronts him in a super sassy way. What do you think? If you like it, feel free to use it!

- I’m a sucker for Soulmate AUs <3<3 I didn’t really do that much of a sassy confrontation but I actually quite like what I’ve written. Thank you for a good burst of inspiration.

“We’ll be back in town soon,” Dick assured Bruce.

“You’re chatting like I can’t handle this city on my own.”

“I’m not saying you can’t handle it on your own, I’m just saying it’s been awhile since you’ve had too, and Batman needs a Robin. A sunshine.”

“Did you just say that sentence, Dick?” Bruce landed to roll his eyes at some of the things his eldest son would say.

“I’m busy, Damian’s busy, Tim’s busy, Jason’s who knows, and you don’t have a Batgirl right now. Babs can only do so much from a computer.”

“If you’re busy, why are you still talking to me.”

“We’ve decided as a group that if you don’t have healthy communication, then you’ll become a hermit and do something stupid.”

“I’m an adult. I’m your dad!”

“Occasionally.”

“Shade, Dick!” Stephanie joined the conversation

“You’re supposed to be revising or sleeping, you have an exam tomorrow.” Bruce quicked into parenting mode.

“Don’t remind me.” she groaned, signing off. Bruce went back to being Batman, gliding through the city as Dick chatted with him. It was nice to have someone to talk to.

“I thought you were gonna take tonight off anyway?”

“My plans changed.”

“Selina ditch you?”

“Having plans doesn’t mean I’m meeting Selina.”

“Who else?”

“No one else! Just changed plans.”

“You can tell me you know...” he paused, “If she’s your soulmate, we’d all get it.”

“She’s not my soulmate.”

“I just figured...”

“Would my life be easier if Selina was my soulmate? Probably, but she isn’t, so that’s the end of that discussion.”

“Did I strike a chord?”

“No.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Why are you suddenly interested in my love life?”

“I want you to be happy! I’ve always been interested.”

“I don’t need a female friend to be happy.”

“Just say, girlfriend. I’m not a teenager, I’m literally nearly thirty.”

“I don’t need a girlfriend to be happy.”

“You’re a strong independent man.”

“I feel like you’re making a joke.”

“No!” he snickered, “I just thought I’d ask.”

“Well, I have things to do and so do you, probably.” Bruce cut the comm out.

“Female friend,” a female voice started laughing

“Stephanie.”

“Leaving.”

His something to do was an abandoned building, where lots of voices were yelling inside. No lights or decorations to suggest it was some teenagers having a party. He tried to find the best side entrance - an easy to open window or door.

A part of him still didn’t understand how Selina wasn’t his soulmate. It just felt right with her, and her lifestyle worked with his. She stole because she always had and because the rush was a drug, but if they were soulmates, he could probably convince her to find that rush in helping him. She knew both sides of him. The pair of them just worked. But they weren’t soulmates. Bruce had to accept that. Someone else was destined for him, someone else out there was gonna be cursed with his thoughts every second of the day. God. That poor person. Maybe, he just didn’t have one. Maybe, Selina was his perfect match, but she was an even more perfect match for someone else, so he was the spare. There was probably just an odd number of people in the world. He would be left out.

There wasn’t any point moping about Selina. Their relationship was so flawed, and as much as they had passion, it wasn’t love. He just didn’t like to admit it. It was just fire, and eventually, they would burn out. He might as well put them out before they caused to much damage to everything around them. He’d made the right choice by blowing her off tonight.

But could the universe really have someone out there who matched him?

He peeked through the window, and a room full of panicking civilians were causing all the noise. He dropped to the floor, and the room went silent. Bruce could count about four grunts, and two guards knocked out across the floor, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what happened.

“Took you long enough!” A woman snapped from above the chaos. She was sitting on a table and had stood up to glare at him.

“What?”

“We’ve been here for eleven hours, waiting for whoever they were working for to show up or kill us and we’re all tired, hungry, and a little bit annoyed.”

“Eleven hours?”

“I have a watch. Eleven hours.”

“What happened?”

“I stole a baseball bat and knocked them out. All our phones were taken off us, so we had no way to get help but yell. You gonna do something about this or just stand here?”

“Oracle?” he summoned the police to get everyone home before getting Babs to look into what might’ve happened to get this man people here without raising any alarms. Surprisingly, it wasn’t some giant scheme, just some low-level grunts trying to be big and messing up.

Lucius needed to talk to me, Babs is covering security for me, Dicks coming home, I need to check in with Clark and see if he’s been spying on Jon and Dami or not.

You slammed your face into your pillow. You’d known your soulmate’s inner monologue for about a week now, and you were ready to throttle whoever it belonged to if she ever managed to meet them again. They could not make up their mind on who they wanted to be, or maybe they had some multipersonality disorder. If it was that, then she could maybe deal with it, but if they were just weird, then she might scream. One second they're working out how to eat a burger with a fork, another second they’re eating it like a normal person, then back to the fork. They never seem to sleep, and they do stupid detective puzzle’s every day - which might have been fun if you could see the puzzle and do it too. Now you were just focused on not thinking anything.

It’s extremely hard to function in the world without thinking. You had no clue how some of the people you knew managed it.

Keep calm, think about puppies, think about your favourite shows, no, don’t do that. What if you think something weird. God. The universe is such a little bitch. Who thought mind reading was a good idea.

Bruce was freaking out a little bit. He’d learnt to clear his thoughts as part of training, he could filter out some of the things that might give his identity away. Alfred had laughed at him for being scared of a soulmate, but Bruce wasn’t sure what else he was supposed to be. He didn’t know who it was, he just knew it was after a patrol night. What if it was some thief he’d stopped. He couldn’t help but agree with the voice. Mind reading was stupid.

I could just think the puzzle aloud if you’re that desperate to be involved

Oh, my god, we can just chat like this? Crap, crap, crap, you’ve heard everything I think. I’m so sorry. I feel so invasive. I’ve just been eavesdropping your life, and I don’t mean to! I promise I’ve tried zoning out.

Were you a hostage?

Straight to the point. I could just tell you who I am.

...

Why not? Are you scared or something? If I’m one of the hostages...do you know something I don’t? The police told me that it was nothing.

It was nothing just-

How do you do that? I should be able to read your thoughts, but you keep shutting me out. How?”

It’s a skill.

...

Where’d you go?

So you would be panicked if I just disappeared...you want to know if I’m a hostage because...oh my god please be Batman.

Why would you want me to be Batman?

Because it’s Batman or a kidnapper.

Or another hostage.

Nah, if you were another hostage, you would’ve thought about it more.

Are you the girl with the baseball bat?

Yeah.

Why did you have a baseball bat?

So you are Batman.

...

That would explain the sleep schedule. It’s keeping me up you know. Having your brain so active means the second mine switches off I get yours.

Sorry

beat

I had the bat because one of them dropped it while trying to grab my ass. He touched me, so I smacked him around the head. The others came to try and detain me, but I was in a bit of a state. You saw the end result.

They touched your butt?

Yeah. I tried asking what was going on, he said some sexist crap then tried to ‘show me who’s boss’. Bit scarring. Not something a girl in this town isn’t used to. Not everyone gets to be a princess.

I’m sorry I’m keeping you up.

It’s okay. I mean, it’s for a good enough cause right. Making Gotham a better place, giving kids something to look up to, but where’s Robin? I miss seeing the red cape at night.

He’s...making friends.

I have to go, my friend needs me to cover her shift at work. Get ready for a few hours of me repeating things over and over again.

What’s your job?

I’m a bit of an artist, work in advertising for a few companies - design websites, run social media accounts, make videos and billboards and unique displays. I’ve illustrated some books. Those graffiti billboards for the main cinema’s are all me. The inspiration art round the town’s me too. My friend’s sick, works at a restaurant. We look alike so I can get away covering for her.

You couldn’t sleep that night. Too many thoughts. Too awake.

If I’m going to adapt to your sleep schedule, do you want to chat or would that be too much of a distraction? Don’t want to put you at risk.

I can talk.

So...all your side kicks...are they all your kids? Cos I’m not judging, but that’s a lot.

Is that really the first question you want to ask?

Yeah?

One of them is my biological child, my son, the others are all my family though.

How old is he?

Thirteen

Fun age. Is he a rude teen yet.

He’d been a rude teen for a while now.

The others?

It’s kinda a long list.

I have all night.

Five boys total, one girl legally mine but two of my son’s girlfriends are basically members of the family.

All of them are heroes?

Yes

Real good parenting.

I’m a cool dad.

You didn’t just say that.

I didn’t know what I was doing with the eldest one, and once you let one kid do something you have to let them all do it!

That’s more understandable.

Large or small family?

Small, my brother moved abroad, and my parents are not part of my life. A big family sounds fun. So does that mean your kids found their soulmates before you? That's gotta hurt, no offence

It only hurts if you weren't worth the wait

Harsh!

You seem pretty worth the wait.

Won me back.

You opened your apartment door to find a basket of art supplies, a new laptop and drawing bag sitting on your desk. Your window, which had been open when you left, was now closed.

How did you find out where I lived?

I’m -

If you say, Batman,

Batman

Can you hear me sighing

You sound very dramatic, much disappointment, and now you’re laughing

How’d you even know what to buy?

My son’s very into art, I asked him what the best supplies were then researched most useful digital tablets.

So you’re rich. I figured since you fund all this Bat stuff, but like you must be so rich to support that many teens on top.

I’m comfortable

That’s what rich people say to seem less rich.

It’s polite

Thank you

Something’s bothering you.

You managed to surprise me when I can read your mind. You’re hiding things from me.

It’s hard for me to be open.

Yeah, that’s not an answer.

I barely know you, you can’t just expect me to open my entire world to you.

Why not? Isn’t the beauty of this. Someone who is perfect for you, who you can trust completely, who you have nothing to hide from, who you can’t lie to. Someone who keeps you honest and good, and complete. They get you. And don’t give me the barely know me crap, I’ve been one hundred percent readable. You’ve heard everything from movie reactions to my internal monologue when I walk to a job. You know my opinions on everything.

I don’t really want to have this conversation.

You don’t have the option not to. I mean, am I ever going to meet you again. Do I ever get to see the face under the cowl? Do your family even know you have a soulmate?

You can’t just ignore me

It’s complicated

You’re making it complicated

What have you got going on tonight that’s making you so stressed? You thought about sitting on your couch and watching a movie

Work Event

Batman Work or Real Life Work

Batman is real life

That sounded like such a bratty teen response. ‘It’s not a hobby, it’s a lifestyle mum - you just understand my passion!’

Are you trying to compare being Batman to a gamer guy?

Lil’ bit, don’t take it to heart.

Do you want me to tell you who did it?

Can you hear what I’m watching?

No, you’re just thinking about it a lot.

You've seen it before?

Watched half of it, stopped.

Figured out the murderer?

Maybe.

Just say yes, don’t pretend to be modest.

I am modest.

Yeah, wearing a mask all the time must get tough. Never getting the praise, the thanks...Have people ever claimed to be you?

I can still hear you trying to work out the murderer before half way.

Give me this one win.

Maybe you were playing with him a little bit. You’d been working on learning to tune your thoughts out. Thinking about things in codes so he couldn’t work out what you were doing. Really, you didn’t care who the murderer was - you were about to work out who he was.

After three months of conversations like this, you really did like him. Small details, he was trusting you more, it felt nice. Listening to him rant about some of the people that worked for him had helped you connect the dots. Now you just wanted to see if he was impressed with you.

A soulmate was someone who connected with you on a level more than the rest of the world. They’d love you, and you’d love them. You wanted to be loved, but talking through amind connection was getting a bit old, nothing could beat sitting somewhere quiet and chatting with someone, seeing how their face changed and moved during the conversation. Little talks, face to face. Seeing a real person, a person to fit the voice.

You were wearing a homemade dress. You were good dressmaking though. It was gold and shiny, and when you wore it, you felt like a princess. You had a feeling Bats was on to you. He had left you the mask after all. A black masquerade mask that contrasted your bright colour choice. You were getting a bit sick of hearing his love isn’t the part of the job, I don’t deserve love monologues too. He was the Knight, but you weren’t, and you’d be the day for as long as he needed if it meant you got to see him face to face.

The large family, large amount’s of money, training to become Batman. It all made sense really. Bruce Wayne. Busy lifestyle with connections to the GCPD through the Gordon family, and Lucius Fox working with him a lot. It all made so much sense.

Bruce Wayne.

(Y/N) Wayne.

You were kinda lucky. A superhero, billionaire, who’d buy you art stuff and talk puzzles - even if he already knew the answer.

You didn’t want to filter your thoughts anymore, you didn’t want him filtering his.

“Name?” the bodyguard asked at the door

“Bruce Wayne’s plus one.”

“He doesn’t have a plus one listed.”

“Give me a sec.” You could see him.

Where are you?

Look up

What?

Look up.

Where?

Just look up Greatest Detective, I’m hard to miss. Gold dress, mask you left.

Where!

See me, Bruce. You can hear me, see me.

He made eye contact with you and started laughing slightly. You’d been worried he might get mad. He might not want you here. He might not even be your soulmate. You could’ve made a huge mistake somewhere in your detective process.

I’ll give you this one.

You started laughing now

What was that you said about ‘not everyone gets to be a princess?’ You definitely look like a princess to me.

Come let me in.

The bodyguard could tell something was up. Bruce’s sudden attention towards the door, and the laughter. You suddenly blushing.

“She’s with me.”

#bruce wayne #bruce wayne x reader #batman #batman x reader #bruce wayne one shot #batman imagine #bruce wayne imagine #batman one shot #bruce wayne headcanon

523 notes · View notes

thatonepsychoticbipolar · 7 years ago

Text

In the beginning (second revision)

Brendan,

Yes, I know you are most likely pissed off that I deleted my old account and made a new one just so I could send you this message, but hear me out. I might say something that you don’t want to miss. Okay, maybe nothing that important but really I need you to keep reading.

Anyway, I have been thinking lately about how much you have impacted my life in this short amount of time that I’ve known you. I met you January 14th by the way, but that’s besides the point.

You have impacted my life in both positive and negative ways. I do admit that I was pretty stupid before and even after I met you. You put up with me though and you saved my life, literally. You also got me to stop being violent with my sister, and you gave me the same lecture when you found out that I had started being violent with her again.

Remember this at all? That whole subject brought up a big argument that was painful for me but I still considered you a friend, but why? I can’t even answer that question. Back to the main point, you also complimented my first video I posted on youtube after I told you that you were absolutely rude and that I didn’t want to talk to you ever again. I remember that, don’t you?

You also made me realize that I was wasting my time liking Kyle. Maybe I didn’t start liking exactly who you thought I would. Yeah, this got some major arguments stirred up, not to mention that it lead to about two weeks of absolute silence. Yeah, I know it’s different that I can’t give you the exact dates.

Anyway, I think I just proved that yes, you did impact my life in a positive way however, there is a negative part to having you in my life. I’m not really gonna go into much detail about the negative, I’ll just say the top three negative acts you have done that really impacted my life:

All of your put downs and name calling. Being called stupid and mocked by not only you, but my other friends, and even Kyle, when I made my first cut.

Telling my parents that you never wanted to talk to me again and that you never considered me your friend.

When you changed your number and blocked me on every account you had still open.

That is all I will ever say about these things. I will say this though, I still consider you a friend even though you have put me through a lot of crap. I think I always will even if I never hear from you again.

I’m sorry. Yes, I apologized. I’m sorry for all my childish behavior and stupidity. Thank you. Yes, I just thanked you. Thank you for putting up with me for six months. I don’t think I can thank you enough.

Now the hardest part of the whole thing: are you willing to give me another chance? Before you think of your answer, just remember that people can change over time and that I believe that I have.

So please just one last chance that I promise not to mess up this time. If you are the same person that said, “That is a lie, I care about everyone,” you would say yes. However, are you the same person? If you choose to not give me a second chance, could you do me a favor, and take the time to type the two letters: n and o before you block me again?

Thank you for reading all the way to the bottom, I didn’t think you would.

I woke up at about 10 o’clock that hot, July morning. I was on the floor, in a sleeping bag, surrounded by emptiness. I could hear my anxious breaths starting, as I began to replay the message I had sent to a guy that had tried many times to leave my life.

I was known for being off the rails like this, not letting anyone leave without an explanation. I felt that I was entitled to knowing exactly why a person was leaving, and if I didn’t agree, then they didn’t get to go peacefully.

I at one point had a crush on this guy, but he wasn’t the guy I had my mind on then. He had lead me to the person that I currently wanted to be in a relationship with, but that didn’t matter. None of it mattered anymore. I started to realize what day it was. It was a very anticipated and dreaded morning. That day, was July 31, 2009, and that was the day that my life would change forever.

I quickly unzipped my sleeping bag, because it was so hot and I was sweating. I had the bright idea of leaving the window open, as a last chance to breathe in the Arizona air. I stood up, and looked around, reminding myself that it was the last day I would ever be in that house, the house I grew up in. It was also the last day I would spend in the city, or even in the state.

I shared a room with my sister, but she had decided to sleep in the living room with our other two siblings, while I, decided to be in my room for one last night. My sister and I had never really gotten along and sharing a room with her was pure torture sometimes, especially when I had friends over and she decided that she had to be in the room as well.

I walked out to see more emptiness and some unzipped sleeping bags on the floor. I was the last one to wake up. Sleep was good for me; it was the only time I wasn’t depressed or anxious, which were two things I was no stranger to.

If I wasn’t experiencing anxiety, I was experiencing depression, and on really bad days I would experience both at the same time. My emotions were difficult for me to control or predict but when I tried to explain to the many therapists I have seen in the short time I had been alive just shrugged it off as me being an adolescent and that it was normal.

However, it didn’t feel normal. I didn’t see my classmates bursting into tears over things that were small and didn’t matter, or experiencing extreme anger that would cause them to have subtle tantrums by taking heavy steps and being short to anyone that talked to them.

I’d watch my other peers at school; I knew what I was experiencing wasn’t normal. If I wasn’t being bullied for one thing or another, I’d just watch them, trying to figure out why they were so different from me. They’d have boyfriends and lots of other friends and always be smiling.

I had two friends that stuck by my side, and others that were just passing flings. My friend Sami, sat with me at lunch every day and listened to my rants on life, school, parents, or whatever it was that day. Boys were a subject she avoided with me because she knew that I did not have very healthy behaviors in pursuing them.

My other friend, Jazzi, was about my sisters age but more my style. She had a super strict, Christian mom, but we always found ways around her. She would go on adventures with me and the other people who were only kind of my friends, one of those people being Brendan.

I was my worst critic. I would look at myself in a very judgmental and self loathing way because I put my value in my ability to communicate with people and blend in with a crowd. As awful as I was at school, it was ten times worse at home.

At home I was always in trouble because of my emotional outbursts. My privileges were revoked most of the time, including but not limited to: my cell phone, ipod, and access to the internet. It was even more depressing when I would have nothing to help calm me down when I was experiencing deep emotions that I didn’t always understand; that I never understood for the entirety of my lifetime.

I walked slowly to the garage, where I knew my parents would be. My mom, was working on a paper for school and my dad was on the phone. My siblings were talking to the neighbor that we had grown close to.

While they were doing all of that I decided to go for a walk down the street I had lived on since I was four years old. As I was walking down the street, I passed the house of my seventh grade crush, Kyle. Nothing ever happened between us mainly because I had no idea how to act around people I wanted to be in a relationship with.

I had met Kyle in seventh grade. We had science together and we were both band students. I had various crushes throughout that year but he was the most distinct. It started out innocently, walking home with him after school, having him over to play video games, and playing games outside with the neighborhood kids.

Then something happened, and I went crazy. I wanted him and only him and nothing was going to stop that. The only thing that did stop that, was him. He pulled back, running away from me after school and taking the extra time to avoid me.

I would go into full obsession mode and stalk them with the core of my being. Facebook made that easy to do. I wasn’t very smart about either, I would go very far down on their page and like and comment on old statuses, completely exposing the fact that I was down right stalking them.

I was very immature for my age, due to the emotions I couldn’t control, and my dad had no problem pointing that out and making me feel like I was the problem and that I had to fix myself. I could never fix myself though, no matter how hard I tried. I would get frustrated with myself and a growing self hatred began to grow.

I walked down a few more houses and then turned around and began to head back to the house. I knew this was it. I knew it was the last time that I would ever see this neighborhood again. I cried a little as I approached the house.

I went inside and rolled up my sleeping bag and gathered the little bit of things that I had left off of the moving truck: the first twilight book that I was finally able to get my hands on, my diary and diary writing pens, my flute that I didn’t want exposed to the heat, my cellphone, my ipod, my wallet, and my Nintendo DS. In a small suitcase was an overnight bag, containing toiletries and another comfy outfit because we would be stopping about halfway through the drive.

I grabbed everything and made my way to the garage again and set them down on the ground, just waiting for us to leave, growing more anxious by the second as I waited. I had no way of knowing what this new place had to offer me and I didn’t like the idea of having to leave the place I grew up in, but my fate was sealed and all I could do is see what this new place had to offer.

When my mom closed her laptop, I knew it was time. I watched her put it in a travel bag and put it in her SUV. It was a red, Ford Expedition, and it was old yet functionable. I wondered, quietly to myself if it would even make it as far as she intended to drive it.

I was the one riding with my dad, in his maroon, Ford F-250. The three younger ones were riding with my mom. I wasn’t too particular about the riding arrangements, it was forced upon me, much like this whole relocation.

I loaded my stuff into the back seat and I stepped up and into my dad’s truck. That was the moment in time where I cried over leaving Arizona one last time. I had no idea what it was going to be like where I was going. I had no idea what school was like there, what the kids were like there, or what the band program would be like there.

I had built a life, though not a good one, there in Tucson, Arizona and I was sad to see it go, a feeling that I do not understand to this day. I was bullied constantly in middle school, and who’s to say high school would have been any different? I had friends, but they were shallow and often using talking to them as a privilege, and the two friends that didn’t do that weren’t much help through that difficult time.

However, I was most sad about leaving the opportunity to have my first real relationship. It was the first time I hadn’t gone overboard and acted crazy about liking him. Yes, Alex and I had gone way back and I was comfortable with him. I had known him since sixth grade and he was always super nice to me. We had a lot in common because he too, had problems controlling his emotions.

We had spent the summer on the phone and growing closer together, but we were both awkward and inexperienced so to have an actual relationship with him, it would have needed a ton of patience and lots of guess work.

I had Brendan to thank for opening up a different kind of communication between us. If it wasn’t for him, I would have no idea how to even talk to him on a level that made me seem like a good fit, and not just a crazy child that had no idea how to even handle a middle school crush.

All the kids in that part of the city had already started school, and I too, would have already started my freshman year in high school. However, my mom didn’t want to start us because she knew the schools where we were going started in late August. I remember arguing with her about her not letting me start school. I would always say it would help me have closure with the area. To her that wasn’t a very sound argument, therefore, I did not start school with the rest of my classmates.

As we started to back out of the driveway and into the street, I watched with tearful eyes, the house I knew and loved get further and further away. This was it. It was really happening. As we drove down the Tucson streets on the way to I-10 I was in deep thought. I was thinking about everything that was leading up to this point in time. It was a better opportunity for the family; my mom wouldn’t have to work from home anymore, running a home daycare, and just concentrate on school because my dad was offered a better job.

It was that deep thought, at the very beginning of the journey to our new home, that I started to understand that this was my chance to start over. I was on to a new adventure. I remember feeling a half smile as I came to this realization. A fresh start where no one knows my name. Maybe things were going to be okay for me.

Maybe age 14 was the age where things started to look up for me. Maybe I was finally going to live a normal life without people at school calling me every name in the book, stealing my homework, and making me feel like an inferior person.

“Maybe I’ll be popular like I had always dreamed of,” I thought. “Maybe I’d be desired by many boys and have to turn a lot of people down. Maybe I’ll have a chain of friends that never ended, that would always have my back if one of the popular boys was being an asshole, or if I forgot my pencil black eyeliner to touch up my waterline during lunch.”

My hopes and dreams of my new home, a house or place I had never even seen pictures of, started to grow within the first hour of our two day journey. Little did I know, that it was that dream, though just thought of, was the start of something only a psychotic woman would do. I was determined to live that life one way or another.

I could see it before my eyes, me being the leader of the pack, of people of all ages, Them all adoring me and walking in a formation in the mornings and after school in the hallways. If we’d have the same classes, we’d tell each other test answers and copy each other’s homework before class.

Maybe one would be a cheerleader. Young, yet excelling. Of course some band mates, maybe one that plays the clarinet? A Japanese girl, most definitely a Japanese girl, one where we’d have to teach to walk in wedges and dress in skirts. Older boys, like seniors, maybe brothers of people closer to my age, and if any of them had sisters that are older, them too for that matter.

Feuds only come naturally with being so beloved and popular. Girls would try to steal boyfriends by being slutty and tempting. Girls who would say mean things about me and presume I’m a slut or a bitch or a hoe for having so much success in a social circle.

I just sat there in thought, watching the numbers on the exit signs get bigger and bigger, feverishly picking my nails to the point where I was exposing the skin underneath the nails, and bleeding in some cases. It was a nervous tick that I had acquired in middle school that had gotten worse and worse as it continued. It would cause so much pain, to the point where I had trouble playing my flute and sometimes gripping a pencil.

I looked down at my wrist. The top of my left wrist had a scar that ran across the length of the wrist. That was the sight of my first cut. I didn’t have much resources so I was taught by some girls at school how to scratch the skin by scribbling on a piece of paper with a mechanical pencil, creating a point, and pressing and running it back and forth on the area that I wanted to cut.

I thought of how it felt. It hurt, but took my mind off of the emotional pain I was feeling. I knew after the first and only time I had done that, that there was going to be more times it would be done.

It was an escape from all the emotional pain and gave me something to concentrate on. It was like a trip, where I felt my emotions become numb and my mind finally relax. It was a dangerous drug that I was in the early stages of becoming dependent on it. If only I knew what I was getting into, and if only my parents knew, then maybe, just maybe, I could have been spared from such a self destructive path

As we continued to drive, I closed my eyes in thought. I began hypothesizing how my new life was going to play out. Starting dreams of meeting my first boyfriend quickly and dreams of a beautiful first kiss and maybe more. I mean, if I’m gonna be popular I’d have to have an open mind or those boys would lose interest. It’s high school after all, that’s all boys want.

It all didn’t matter anymore. The message I had just sent Brendan the night before, sneaking on my sister’s laptop because I still had a desktop and it was already on the way to the destination, didn’t matter. Who cares what they wanted? Who cares what anyone wanted?

My old self died, right then and there. I started to make a mental transformation right there in the passenger seat and I liked who I was becoming. Life was finally going to be okay for me.

With my dreams in mind, I started to drift asleep. I was not anxious at that point in time and I was trying to take advantage of that fact. When I dreamt, the characters I had recently started to make up were given names. That was way more of a downfall than I realized at the time. It was in it’s early stages, but it started a process deep inside my psychotic brain that had already began to consume me.

0 notes